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[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right Jim. Your quarterlies look very good. How are things at the library?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, I told you. I couldn't close it. So..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So you've come to the master for guidance? Is this what you're saying, grasshopper?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Actually, you called me in here, but yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right. Well, let me show you how it's done." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[on the phone] Yes, I'd like to speak to your office manager, please. Yes, hello. This is Michael Scott. I am the Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products. Just wanted to talk to you manager-a-manger. [quick cut scene] All right. Done deal. Thank you very much, sir. You're a gentleman and a scholar. Oh, I'm sorry. OK. I'm sorry. My mistake. [hangs up] That was a woman I was talking to, so... She had a very low voice. Probably a smoker, so... [Clears throat] So that's the way it's done." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I've, uh, I've been at Dunder Mifflin for 12 years, the last four as Regional Manager. If you want to come through here... See we have the entire floor. So this is my kingdom, as far as the eye can see. This is our receptionist, Pam. Pam! Pam-Pam! Pam Beesly. Pam has been with us for... forever. Right, Pam?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well. I don't know." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "If you think she's cute now, you should have seen her a couple of years ago. [growls]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Any messages?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Uh, yeah. Just a fax." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh! Pam, this is from Corporate. How many times have I told you? There's a special filing cabinet for things from corporate." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You haven't told me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's called the wastepaper basket! Look at that! Look at that face." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "People say I am the best boss. They go, \"God we've never worked in a place like this before. You're hilarious.\" \"And you get the best out of us.\" [shows the camera his WORLD'S BEST BOSS mug] I think that pretty much sums it up. I found it at Spencer Gifts." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[singing] Shall I play for you? Pa rum pump um pum [Imitates heavy drumming] I have no gifts for you. Pa rum pump um pum [Imitates heavy drumming]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "My job is to speak to clients on the phone about... uh, quantities and type of copier paper. You know, whether we can supply it to them. Whether they can pay for it. And... I'm boring myself just talking about this." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Whassup!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Whassup! I still love that after seven years." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Whassup!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Whassup!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Whass...up!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Whassup." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Strains, grunts] What?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nothing." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK. All right. See you later." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right. Take care." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Back to work." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "[on her cell phone] Just before lunch. That would be great." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Corporate really doesn't really interfere with me at all. Jan Levinson Gould. [walking out of his office] Jan, hello. I call her Hillary Rodham Clinton. Right? Not to her face, because... well, not because I'm scared of her. Because I'm not. But, um... Yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "Alright, was there anything you wanted to add to the agenda?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um... Me no get an agenda." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "What? I'm sorry?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I didn't get any agenda." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Well, I faxed one over to you this morning." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really? I didn't... [looks at Pam] Did we get a fax this morning?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Uh, yeah, the one..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why isn't it in my hand? A company runs on efficiency of communication, right? So what's the problem, Pam? Why didn't I get it?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You put in the garbage can that was a special filing cabinet." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, that was a joke. That was a joke that was actually my brother's, and... It was supposed to be with bills and it doesn't work great with faxes." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Do you want to look at mine?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, yeah. Lovely. Thank you." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "OK. Since the last meeting, Ellen and the board have decided we can't justify a Scranton branch and a Stamford branch." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Michael, don't panic." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, no, no, this is good. This is good. This is fine. Excellent." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "No, no, no, Michael, listen OK. Don't panic. We haven't made... We haven't decided." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All the alarm bells are kind of going... ringie-dingie-ding!" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I've spoken to Josh in Stamford. I've told him the same as you and it's up to either him or you to convince me that your branch can incorporate the other." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK. No problem." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "This does, however, mean that there is going to be downsizing." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Me no wanna hear that, Jan. Because downsizing is a bitch. It is a real bitch. And I wouldn't wish that on Josh's men. I certainly wouldn't wish it on my men. Or women, present company excluded. Sorry. Uh, is Josh concerned about downsizing himself? Not downsizing himself but is he concerned about downsizing?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Question. How long do we have to... [Telephone rings] Oh uh, Todd Packer, terrific rep. Do you mind if I take it?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Go ahead." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Packman." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Hey, you big queen." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, that's not appropriate." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Hey, is old Godzillary coming in today?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh, I don't know what you mean." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "I've been meaning to ask her one question. Does the carpet match the drapes?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, my God! Oh! That's... horrifying. Horrible. Horrible person." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "So do you think we could keep a lid on this for now? I don't want to worry people unnecessarily." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, absolutely. Under this regime, it will not leave this office. [zips his lips] Like that." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "So what does downsizing actually mean?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Well..." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You guys better update your resumes just like I'm doing." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "I bet it's gonna be me. Probably gonna be me." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah, it'll be you." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I have an important question for you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Are you going to Angela's cat party on Sunday?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, stop. That is ridiculous." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Am I going to tell them? No, I am not going to tell them. I don't see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "This is Mr. Scott." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Guilty! Guilty as charged!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Ryan Howard from the temp agency. Daniqua sent me down to start today." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Howard, like Moe Howard. Three Stooges." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yup." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Watch this. This is Moe. Nyuck-nyuck-nyuck-nyuck-nyuck. Mee! [hold hand up for a high five] Ah, right here. Three Stooges. Oh, Pam. It's a guy thing, Pam. I'm sort of a student of comedy. Watch this. Here we go. [Yelling in cod German] I'm Hitler. Adolf Hitler. [Continues with cod German]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't think it would be the worst thing if they let me go because then I might... I don't think it's many little girls' dream to be a receptionist. I like to do illustrations. Um... Mostly watercolor. A few oil pencil. Um, Jim thinks they're good." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Sure. Mr. Davis, let me call you right back. Yeah, something just came up. Two minutes. Thank you very much. Dwight, what are you doing?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Just clearing my desk. I can't concentrate." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It's not on your desk." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's overlapping. It's all spilling over the edge. One word, two syllables. Demarcation." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You can't do that." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Why not?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Safety violation. I could fall and pierce an organ." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[crosses fingers] We'll see. [Dwight begins smashing pencils with his phone] This is why the whole downsizing thing just doesn't bother me." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Downsizing?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Downsizing? I have no problem with that. I have been recommending downsizing since I first got here. I even brought it up in my interview. I say, bring it on." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "You just still have these messages from yesterday." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Relax. Everything's under control. Uh, yeah. Yeah. That's important. Right. Oh this is so important, I should run to answer it. [Imitating Six-Million Dollar Man sound effect]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Come on. Six-Million Dollar Man! Steve Austin! Actually, that would be a good salary for me, don't you think? Six million dollars? Memo to Jan. I deserve a raise." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Don't we all?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm sorry?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Nothing." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "If you're unhappy with your compensation, maybe you should take it up with HR. OK. Not today, OK? Pam, just be professional. [Sighs]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I think I'm a role model here. I think I garner people's respect. [Imitating a PA] Attention all Dunder Mifflin employees, please. We have a meeting in the conference room, ASAP." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "People I respect, heroes of mine, would be Bob Hope... Abraham Lincoln, definitely. Bono. And probably God would be the fourth one. And I just think all those people really helped the world in so many ways that it's really beyond words. It's really incalculable." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Now I know there's some rumors out there and I just kind of want to set the record straight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm Assistant Regional Manager. I should know first." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Assistant to the Regional Manager." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "OK, um, can you just tell me please? Just tell me quietly. Can you whisper it in my ear?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm about to tell everybody. I'm just about to tell everybody." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Can't you just tell us." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Please, OK? Do you want me to tell 'em?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You don't know what it is. [Laughs]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "OK. You tell 'em. With my permission. Permission granted." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't need your permission." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Go ahead." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Corporate has deemed it appropriate to enforce an ultimatum upon me. And Jan is thinking about downsizing either the Stamford branch or this branch." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I heard they might be closing this branch down. That's just the rumor going around. This is my first day. I don't really know." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Yeah but Michael, what if they downsize here?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Not gonna happen." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "It could be out of your hands Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It won't be out of my hands Stanley, OK. I promise you that." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Can you promise that?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "On his mother's grave." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, yeah, it is a promise. And frankly, I'm a little insulted that you have to keep asking about it." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "It's just that we need to know." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know. Hold on a second. I think Pam wanted to say something. Pam, you had a look that you wanted to ask a question just then." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I was in the meeting with Jan and she did say that it could be this branch that gets the axe." }, { "character": "Man", "line": "Are you sure about that?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, Pam maybe you should stick to the ongoing confidentiality agreement of meetings." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Pam, information is power." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "You can't say for sure whether it'll be us or them, can you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, Stanley. No, you did not see me in there with her. I said if Corporate wants to come in here and interfere, then they're gonna have to go through me. Right? You can go mess with Josh's people, but I'm the head of this family, and you ain't gonna be messing with my chillin." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "If I left, what would I do with all this useless information in my head? You know? Tonnage price of manila folders? Um, Pam's favorite flavor of yogurt, which is mixed berry." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Jim said mixed berries? Well, yeah, he's on to me. Um... [Laughs]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Watch out for this guy. Dwight Schrute in the building. This is Ryan, the new temp." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "What's up? Nice to meet you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Introduce yourself. Be polite." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Assistant to the Regional Manager. So, uh, Dwight tell him about the kung fu and the car and everything." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Uh... yeah I got a '78 280Z. Bought it for $1,200. Fixed it up. It's now worth three grand." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's his profit." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "New engine, new suspension, I got a respray. I've got some photos." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Damn it! Jim!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK. Hold on, hold on. The judge is in session. What is the problem here?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "He put my stuff in Jell-O again." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[Laughing]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's real professional thanks. That's the third time and it wasn't funny the first two times either Jim." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's OK here, but people sometimes take advantage because it's so relaxed. I'm a volunteer Sheriff's Deputy on the weekends. And you cannot screw around there. That's sort of one of the rules." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "What is that?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That is my stapler." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, no. Do not take it out. You have to eat it out of there, because there are starving people in the world [turns to camera] which I hate, and it is a waste of that kind of food." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "OK you know what, you can be a witness. [points to Ryan] Can you reprimand him?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "How do you know it was me?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's always you. Are you going to discipline him or not?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Discipline. Kinky! [Laughs] All right, here's the deal you guys. The thing about a practical joke is you have to know when to start and as well as when to stop." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And yeah, Jim this is the time to stop putting Dwight's personal effects into Jell-O." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "OK. Dwight, I'm sorry, because I have always been your biggest flan." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Laughing] Nice. That's the way it is around here. It just kind of goes round and round." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "You should've put him in custardy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey! Yes! New guy! He scores." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "OK, that's great. I guess what I'm most concerned with is damage to company property. That's all." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pudding. Pudding... I'm trying to think of another dessert to do." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Do you like going out at the end of the week for a drink?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's why we're all going out. So we can have an end-of-the-week-drink." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "So when are we going out?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Tonight, hopefully." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "OK. Yeah." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Hey, man." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What's going on?" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Hey, baby." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Roy's my fiance. We've been engaged about three years. We were supposed to get married in September but I think we're gonna get married in the spring." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Do you mind if I go out for a drink with these guys?" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "No, no. Come on. Let's get out of here and go home." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "OK. I'm gonna be a few minutes. So it's only twenty past five. I still have to do my faxes." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know what? You should come with us. Because you know we're all going out and it could be a good chance for you to see what people are like outside the office. I think it could be fun." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "It sounds good. Seriously, we've gotta get going." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Um... What's in the bag?" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Just tell her I'll talk to her later." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, definitely. All right, dude. Awesome. Will do." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Do I think I'll be invited to the wedding? [scratches head]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "So have you felt the vibe yet? We work hard, we play hard. Sometimes we play hard when we should be working hard. Right? I guess the atmosphere that I've created here is that I'm a friend first, and a boss second... and probably an entertainer third. [Knock at door] Just a second. Right? Oh, hey do you like The Jamie Kennedy Experiment? Punk'd and all that kind of stuff?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You are gonna be my accomplice. Just go along with it, OK?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just follow my lead. Don't pimp me, all right? Come in. So, uh, Corporate just said that I don't want to..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You got a fax." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, thank you. Pam, can you come in here for a sec. Just have a seat. I was gonna call you in anyway. You know Ryan. As you know, there is going to be downsizing. And you have made my life so much easier in that I am going to have to let you go first." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What? Why?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why? Well, theft and stealing." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Stealing? What am I supposed to have stolen?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Post-it Notes." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Post-it Notes? What are those worth, 50 cents?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "50 cents, yeah. If you steal a thousand Post-It Notes at 50 cents apiece, and you know, you've made a profit... margin. You're gonna run us out of business, Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Are you serious?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah. I am." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I can't believe this. I mean I have never even stolen as much as a paperclip and you're firing me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "But the best thing about it is that we're not going to have to give you any severance pay. Because that is gross misconduct and... Just clean out your desk. I'm sorry." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Pam starts crying] You been X'd punk! [Laughing] Surprise! It's a joke. We were joking around. See? OK. He was in on it. He was my accomplice. And it was kind of a morale booster thing. And we were showing the new guy around, giving him the feel of the place. So you... God, we totally got you." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You're a jerk." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't know about that." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "What is the most important thing for a company? Is it the cash flow? Is it the inventory? Nuh-uh. It's the people. The people. My proudest moment here was not when I increased profits by 17% or when I cut expenses without losing a single employee. No, no, no, no, no. It was a young Guatemalan guy. First job in the country, barely spoke English. He came to me, and said, \"Mr. Scott, would you be the godfather of my child?\" Wow. Wow. Didn't work out in the end. We had to let him go. He sucked." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "How are things?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Good. I thought you were going out for a drink with..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh no, I just decided not to. How's your headache?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's better, thanks." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Good. Good." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's great" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Is...?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Um... Are you..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Am I walking out?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes, I... Do you want to..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Great. Let me just..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Car horn honking] Oh, Roy." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah. Listen, have a nice weekend." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, definitely. You too. Enjoy it. [looks at camera] You know what, just come here." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Dwight Schrute. My father's name, also Dwight Schrute. My grandfather's name, Dweide Schrude, Amish. That's my family. I don't know where they came, the Amish, came from originally. Uh, Amland." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[holding up a Dundie and pretending it is talking] Hello. I'm Michael Scott. I'm the best boss in the world." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "My name is Jim Halpert and I am a sales rep, which is a very important job. Um, without me dozens literally dozens of small businesses would go paperless. They would have to write on their hands, or bed sheets, or who knows you know. Total chaos, total chaos. I mean or they could get their paper somewhere else. Staples maybe. I don't know." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam! Pam-Pam! Pam has been with us for... forever. Right, Pam?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I guess." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, at one time or another every guy in the office has sprayed on Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Messages?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "People respond to the human touch and that's what I give them. I can look at a client and I can say, \"Hello, how are you? How's business been going?\" And we can go back and forth for sometime and uh, then I'll say, How much, how many reams do you want?\" And they'll order it and then I'll take care of all the sales. I'll make sure that they get that paper. And they appreciate that." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ah, right here. Three Stooges. High five. [Michael and Ryan high five] Oh, Pam. It's a guy thing, Pam. [camera cuts to Pam then back to Michael] Now, who was the one before Curly?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Uh, Shemp." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Curly? Very good. Curly Joe DeRita." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Just Curly. Joe DeRita was different." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, comedy's kinda my thing. Watch this, here's Curly Joe. Mmm. Me, me, me, me, me, me. Me, me, me, me, me, me. Oh, I forgot. Here we go. [Yelling in cod German] I'm Hitler. Right. [Continues with cod German] Me, me, me, me, me, me. Curly Joe Hitler. [laughs]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "All these people are walking around and they're happy and their lives are just going along, ignorance is bliss. But if they knew what was lurking on the other side of that fence that furry monster. [imitating monster] \"I'm gonna get you, downsizing.\" No. They wouldn't... They'd freak. And I'm not going to play God. They look to me for support. And they look to me for guidance and leadership. And I think if I could lie to them and it serves them, then that's what I'm going to do." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "So this is our sales staff. They are the ones who are making calls and making us lots of money. [comes to a screeching halt and laughs] This is accounting. The numbers dudes. Do not let the job description fool you, they are all completely crazy. Especially that guy, he is a mental patient. [camera zooms in on Kevin] Not literally of course, that wouldn't work. The last place you'd want somebody like that is accounting. [hides behind office plant] \"Very interesting, but stupid.\" Artie Johnson. It's a crazy place." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "My name is Angela and um, I'm in charge of the accounting department. There are three of us, Kevin and Oscar." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "It's my job to keep the books in order. And, um, I... I'm, uh, immediately below my supervisor." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oscar, how do I describe him. He's like a stapler. Do I need a stapler? Yes. But, I'm still the one that has to push it down." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "There's a lot of anxiety. I don't want to get laid off. This place is like five minutes from my house." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I don't wanna be laid off. This is a good job for me. 'Cause I need my nights free. I'm in a band." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Not very worried about downsizing right now. Because, uh, I think you've met Kevin and um..." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Can I just say one thing? Um, my friend is Jewish, Art Geller. And a couple of years ago he, um, showed me how you can plant a tree in Israel, so I planted a tree. So... You know 'cause... Yeah we work in paper. Well, you know, I try to give back." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I have a lot of cat figurines on my desk. I think cats, really, are old souls. And, uh, Phyllis thinks so too." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "What you don't know... Well, it can hurt you, but if you don't know it won't hurt you. Then, you can just be happy for a little while at least." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "What's that?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Wired." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, John Belushi. What a crazy guy. Phew, freaked myself out this morning." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah. I thought I found a lump. I checked the, uh... I check the jewels every month. This time... You know, it's a little different. It was fine. It was fine. But freaky, man, you know. Testicular cancer, God. Cancer, whoa testicles. So... What's, um... What you eating?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Smoked turkey." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, place around the corner. Nice. All right. See you later." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do I need to speak up? [grabs boom microphone] Hello." } ], [ { "character": "Documentary Crew Member", "line": "[boom microphone drops into the camera shoot] Can you move it out? Can you move it? Is that all right? Can you make that work?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's fine." }, { "character": "Documentary Crew Member", "line": "[new take] No, you don't even need ... That's fine. We'll keep it..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm sorry it makes me nervous." }, { "character": "Documentary Crew Member", "line": "Understood, but it is what we need to capture what you're saying as clearly as possible." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I understand. It's in a blind spot because I'm trained in several martial arts and one of them, uh, includes, uh, an awareness that the masters bring, uh, of anything on all sides of you. It could be behind you or whatever. This is directly in a blind spot, so I'm trained to respond negatively to something right above my head. [new take] This now I have an eye on. You see, it's on my periphery and if I needed to block it, attack it, stop it somehow. [does a martial arts move with his hands] I could come right out. I mean, I know you're doing your job, but... Documentary Crew Member: [talking over Dwight] It's..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm doing my job." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I think better to be a happy idiot then a, um... Then someone who knows the truth." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, uh, can I help you out in here?" }, { "character": "Mr. Brown", "line": "Oh, I'm all set, thanks." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Gotcha. Good. I'd go with the rows. That's a good idea." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Today is diversity day and someone's going to come in and talk to us about diversity. It's something that I've been pushing, that I've been wanting to push, for a long time and Corporate mandated it. And I never actually talked to Corporate about it. They kind of beat me to the punch, the bastards. But I was going to. And I think it's very important that we have this. I'm very, very excited." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's the thing. It's very sturdy paper and on the back it says, \"100% post-consumer content.\" What? Hello? Uh-huh. Wait. What? I'm sorry, Mr. Decker. I think I'm losing you. [Shedder whirring] Hello? Hello? Yeah. Hold on one second. I don't know. Hold on one second." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Do you really have to do that right now?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes I do. I should have done it weeks ago actually." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mr. Decker, I'm sorry about that. What were you... Can you hold on one second? Yeah, just one second. Thanks. [Power off, silence] Hello? That's it. Perfect. So what I was saying... [Dialing tone] Hello? Thanks, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Retaliation. Tit for tit." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That is not the expression." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, it should be." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "This is my biggest sale of the year. They love me over there for some reason. I'm not really sure why but I make one call over there every year, just to renew their account, and that one call ends up being 25% of my commission for the whole year, so I buy a mini bottle of champagne, celebrate a little. And this year I'm pushing recycled paper on them for one percent more. I know. I'm getting cocky. Right?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Solitaire?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, Freecell." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Six on seven." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I know. I saw that." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "So then, why didn't you do it?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm saving that 'cause I like it when the cards go T-ts-ts-tch-tch-tch." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Who doesn't love that?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, Oscar! How are you doing, man?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Did you have a good weekend going there?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "It was fine." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh yeah, I bet it was fun. [to Mr. Brown] Oh, hey! This is Oscar---" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Martinez." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Right. See? I don't even know, first-name basis!" }, { "character": "Mr. Brown", "line": "Great. We're all set." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh hey, well, diversity, everybody, let's do it. Oscar works in... here. Jim, could you wrap it up, please?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, uh, Mr. Decker, please." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's diversity day, Jim. I wish every day was diversity day." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know what? I'm actually going to have to call you back. Thank you. Sorry about that." } ], [ { "character": "Mr. Brown", "line": "Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Great." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Come on people, let's get 'em in. Get in the cards! Get in the cards!" }, { "character": "Mr. Brown", "line": "Thank you. Thank you very much. OK. Thanks for filling these out and I promise this'll be quick. At Diversity Today, our philosophy is about honesty and positive expectations. We believe that 99% of the problems in the workplace arise simply out of ignorance." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what? This is a color-free-zone here. Stanley, I don't look at you as another race." }, { "character": "Mr. Brown", "line": "Uh, see this is what I'm talking about. We don't have to pretend we're color-blind." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Exactly, were not..." }, { "character": "Mr. Brown", "line": "That's fighting ignorance with more ignorance." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "With tolerance." }, { "character": "Mr. Brown", "line": "No. With more ignorance." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ignorance." }, { "character": "Mr. Brown", "line": "Right. Exactly. Uh, instead, we need to celebrate our diversity." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Let's celebrate." }, { "character": "Mr. Brown", "line": "Right. OK." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Celebrate good times. Come on! Let's celebrate diversity. Right?" }, { "character": "Mr. Brown", "line": "Yes, exactly. Now here's what we're going to do. I've noticed that..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what? Here's what we're going to do. Why don't we go around and everybody... everybody say a race that you are attracted to sexually. I will go last. Go." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I have two. White and Indian." }, { "character": "Mr. Brown", "line": "Actually, I'd prefer not to start that way. Michael, I would love to have your permission to run this session. Can I have your permission?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Mr. Brown", "line": "Thank you very much. And it would also help me if you were seated." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK." }, { "character": "Mr. Brown", "line": "Thank you. OK. Now, at the start of the session, I had you all write down an incident that you found offensive in the workplace. Now, what I'm going to do is choose one and we're going to act it out." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "A few of the ground rules?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, hey why don't you run it by me and I'll run it by him." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "OK, can we steer away from gay people?" }, { "character": "Mr. Brown", "line": "Um..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm sorry. It's an orientation. It's not a race. Plus a lot of other races are intolerant of gays, so...paradox." }, { "character": "Mr. Brown", "line": "Well, we only have an hour." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I figured it would save time." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK. Why don't we just defer to Mr..." }, { "character": "Mr. Brown", "line": "Mr. Brown." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ah. Oh, right! OK. First test. I will not call you that." }, { "character": "Mr. Brown", "line": "Well, it's my name. It's not a test. OK? Um, so looking through the cards, I've noticed that many of you wrote down the same incident, which is ironic, because it's the exact incident I was brought in here to respond to. Now, how many of you are familiar with the Chris Rock routine? Very good. OK." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "How come Chris Rock can do a routine and everybody finds it hilarious and ground-breaking and then I go and do the exact same routine, same comedic timing, and people file a complaint to Corporate? Is it because I'm white and Chris is black?" } ], [ { "character": "Mr. Brown", "line": "So we're going to reenact this with a more positive outcome." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I will play the Chris Rock guy. I would like to see someone else pull this off." }, { "character": "Mr. Brown", "line": "Well, let's have someone who wasn't involved in the reenactment." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK, I will play guy listening." }, { "character": "Mr. Brown", "line": "Great. Guy listening. Ok, anyone else remember?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I remember." }, { "character": "Mr. Brown", "line": "Great. You're the Chris Rock guy and you're guy listening." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Kevin is a great guy. He's a great accountant. He is not much of an entertainer." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Basically, there are two types of black people and black people are actually more racist because they hate the other type of black people. Every time the one type wants to have a good time, then the other type comes in and makes a real mess." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. He's ruin... He's butchering it. Could you just let me... [As Chris Rock] Every time... Every time black people want to have a good time, some ignant ass... [Bleep] I take care of my kid!" }, { "character": "Mr. Brown", "line": "Wait a second." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Bleep] They always want credit for something they supPOSED to do!" }, { "character": "Mr. Brown", "line": "Stop it!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[As Chris Rock] What you want a cookie?" } ], [ { "character": "Mr. Brown", "line": "Now, this is a simple acronym. HERO. Uh, at Diversity Today, we believe it is very easy to be a HERO. All you need are honesty, empathy, respect and open-mindedness." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Excuse me, I'm sorry, but that's not all it takes to be a hero." }, { "character": "Mr. Brown", "line": "Oh, great. Well, what is a hero to you?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "A hero kills people, people that wish him harm." }, { "character": "Mr. Brown", "line": "OK." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "A hero is part-human and part-supernatural. A hero is born out of a childhood trauma, or out of a disaster that must be avenged." }, { "character": "Mr. Brown", "line": "Ok, you're thinking of a superhero." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "We all have a hero in our heart." }, { "character": "Mr. Brown", "line": "Now, I need you to take these forms. This kind of expresses the joint experience we had today. And I need you to look 'em over and sign them as kind of a group pledge." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Clears throat] I don't think I can sign this." }, { "character": "Mr. Brown", "line": "I can't leave until you do." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, OK, it says here that I learned something and I knew all this stuff already, so... I know, I could sign something that says that I taught something, or that I helped you teach something, so... Pam! Where is she? Pam, could we change something on this?" }, { "character": "Mr. Brown", "line": "Michael, can I talk to you candidly?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sure." } ], [ { "character": "Mr. Brown", "line": "We both know that I'm here because of the comments you made." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Here's the thing. This office, I think this is very advanced in terms of... racial awareness and it's probably more advanced than you're used to. That's probably throwing you off a little bit." }, { "character": "Mr. Brown", "line": "Um, it's not throwing me. I need your signature." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK, well I know. You told me that several times." }, { "character": "Mr. Brown", "line": "Yes, but you're not listening to me. Yours is the only signature I need." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK." }, { "character": "Mr. Brown", "line": "Those are my instructions from the Corporate offices to put you through this seminar for the comments that you made. The reason I made copies for everyone was so you wouldn't be embarrassed." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, here I am thinking that you actually cared about diversity training. And you don't." }, { "character": "Mr. Brown", "line": "Don't worry about dating." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I won't." }, { "character": "Mr. Brown", "line": "OK. Thank you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "\"I regret my actions. I regret offending my coworkers. I pledge to bring my best spirit of honesty, empathy, respect and open-mindedness...\" Open-mindedness, is that even a word? \"...into the workplace. In this way, I can truly be a hero. Signed, Daffy Duck.\" [Laughing] He's going to lose it when he reads that." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, hi. Is Mr. Decker around? Oh, well, could you just have him call me after lunch? Thank you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "\"I pledge to always keep an open mind and an open heart.\" I do believe... in that part of the pledge I that just read. But a pledge? Come on. I mean who are we, the Girl Scouts? No. Look... the guy, \"Mr. Brown,\" he got us halfway there. He got us talking. Well, no. I got us talking. He got us nothing. He insulted us and he abandoned us. You call that diversity training? I don't. Were there any connections between any of us? Did anyone look each other in the eye? Was there any emotion going on? No. Where was the heart? I didn't see any heart. Where was my Oprah moment? OK, get as much done as you can before lunch because, afterward, I'm going to have you all in tears." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right? Everybody pretty? Come on. Here we go. It's time. Let's do some good." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Hey, we're not all going to sit in a circle Indian style are we? [Laughing]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Get out." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I'm sorry." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, this is not a joke. OK? That was offensive and lame. So double offensive. This is an environment of welcoming and you should just get the hell out of here. OK, let's go. Let's do it. Come on. Let's have some fun, everybody. Here we go. Take a seat. Cop a squat. And um... thanks for coming in. Um... Diversity... is the cornerstone of progress as I've always said. But don't take my word for it. Let's take a look at the tape." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[on the tape] Hi. I'm Michael Scott. I'm in charge of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products here in Scranton, Pennsylvania but I'm also the founder of Diversity Tomorrow, because today is almost over. Abraham Lincoln once said that, \"If you're a racist, I will attack you with the North.\" And those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK. Questions? Comments? Anybody? Jim?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": ": Uh, is that it?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes. I only had an hour to put it together but I'm going to add on to it later on." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "It was kind of hard to hear." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh, yes. That probably had something to do with the camera work. Anybody else? Um..." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I have a customer meeting." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, well, if you leave we'll only have two left. Yes. Enjoy. Absolutely. Namaste. Ok, well since I am leading this, let's get down to business and why don't I just kind of introduce myself, OK? Um. I am Michael and I am part English, Irish, German and Scottish. Sort of a virtual United Nations. But what some of you might not know is that I am also part Native American Indian." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What part Native American?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Two fifteenths." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Two fifteenths, that fraction doesn't make any sense." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, you know what, it's kind of hard for me to talk about it. Their suffering. So who else? Let's get this popping. Come on. Who's going? Who's going? Let's go here. Oscar, right here. You're on." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "OK, Michael, um... Both my parents were born in Mexico." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, yeah..." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "And, uh, they moved to the United Sates a year before I was born. So I grew up in the United States." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wow." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "My parents were Mexican." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wow. That is... That is a great story. That's the American Dream right there, right?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Thank... Yeah..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um, let me ask you, is there a term besides Mexican that you prefer? Something less offensive?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Mexican isn't offensive." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, it has certain connotations." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Like what?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Like... I don't... I don't know." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What connotations, Michael? You meant something." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. Now, remember that honesty..." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I'm just curious." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "...empathy, respect... [Phone ringing] Jim! Jim!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hello? Hello?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I have something here. I want you to take a card. Put it on your fore... Don't look at the card. I want you to take the card and put it on your forehead and... Take a card, take a card, any card. Um... And I want you to treat other people like the race that is on their forehead. OK? So everybody has a different race. Nobody knows what their race is, so... I want you to really go for it, cause this is real. You know, this isn't just an exercise. This is real life. And... I have a dream that you will really let the sparks fly. Get 'er done." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why? Because Martin Luther King is a hero of mine. There's this great Chris Rock bit about how streets named after Martin Luther King tend to be more violent. I'm not going to do it but it's..." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh this is a good one." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Um, hi. How are you?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Fine. How are you?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Great." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Push it." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I admire your culture's success in America." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good. Bom bom bom-bom bom. Come on Olympics of Suffering right here. Slavery versus the Holocaust. Come on." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Who am I supposed to be?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, that was inadvertent. We didn't actually plan that." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Lots of cultures eat rice, doesn't help me." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Um... Shalom. I'd like to apply for a loan." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That's nice, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "OK, do me. Something stereotypical so I can get it really quick." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "OK, I like your food." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Outback steakhouse. [Australian accent] I'm Australian, mate!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam, come on. \"I like your food.\" Come on stir the pot. Stir the melting pot, Pam! Let's do it. Let's get ugly. Let's get real." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "OK. If I have to do this, based on stereotypes that are totally untrue, that I do not agree with, you would maybe not be a very good driver." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, man, am I a woman?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "You'll notice I didn't have anybody be an Arab. I thought that would be too explosive. No pun intended. But I just though. \"Too soon for Arabs.\" Maybe next year. Um... You know, the ball's in their court." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "What are you watching?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Chappelle's Show." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I downloaded it on her computer. I hope she doesn't mind. She just had a lot of extra space." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No way. I think she likes this stuff." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Great. She's cute, huh?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, you know, she's engaged, but..." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Oh, no, the girl in the... sketch." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, yeah. She's hot." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "You wanna go to the beach?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Sure." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "You wanna get high?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I think you do, mon." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Stop..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK. All right. No. It's good. You just need to push it. You need to go a little bit further. All right. OK." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Voice raised, Indian accent] Kelly, how are you?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I just had the longest meeting." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh! Welcome to my convenience store. Would you like some googi googi? I have some very delicious googi, googi, only 99 cents plus tax. Try my googi, googi. [Lowering voice] Try my googi, googi. [High-pitched voice] Try my googi, googi. Try my... [slap!]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[trying not to cry] All right! All right! Yes! That was great, she gets it! Now she knows what it's like to be a minority." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[on the phone] Mr. Decker, we didn't lose your sale today, did we? Excellent. OK. Let me just get your... what's that? No, we didn't close last time. I just need your... Oh. W-What code were you given? Oh, OK. That's actually another salesman here. I can redo it if you want to do that. Oh, he gave you a discount? No, I don't blame you." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I just hated it when that guy was in here. Mr. Brown, if that was his real name. I mean, he had never met any of us before, and here he was telling us how to do our thing. I just wanted... I just wanted to do it our way. You know? On our own. Man I should have gotten some food." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[Itialian accent]Maybe some spagh-etti." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, Kevin. You can take that off that thing, OK? That would really, really have shown him up, wouldn't it? If I'd brought in some burritos or some colored greens. Or some pad Thai. I love pad Thai." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "It's collard greens." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "It's collard greens." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That doesn't really make sense. Because you don't call them collared people, that's offensive. Hmmm... OK, well, it's after five. So... Thank you very much. Buena vista Oscar. Thank you. Good job. Oh, my man. Thank you Brazil. Nice." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Pam is asleep, resting her head on Jim's shoulder] Um... Hey." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[stirs] Mmmm." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "We can go." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Sorry." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's fine." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh... Not a bad day." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Mr. Brown", "line": "Thanks for filling these out. I promise this will be quick. We only have about an hour." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah. I would like to see us erase 100 years of racism in an hour." }, { "character": "Mr. Brown", "line": "Does this company have 100 years to erase?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, the country." }, { "character": "Mr. Brown", "line": "Oh right, more like 200 years." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, more like a 1,000." }, { "character": "Mr. Brown", "line": "Okay, um. Uh, I'll try to make this quick." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I am a salesman, okay. And I don't think we should be doing this during prime sales hours. If you can prove to me that diversity is going to help my sales, I'll go elephant running with James Earl Jones. I really will, but not on spec." } ], [ { "character": "Mr. Brown", "line": "HERO, at Diversity Today, we believe it is very easy to be a HERO. All you need are honesty, empathy, respect and open-mindedness." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I just think that HERO? It's cute, but it's... It's empty, you know? It's easy. Dwight, you know what, I came up with some terms of my own. Could you put these on the board? The first one is Inclusion, New Attitudes, Color-blind..." }, { "character": "Mr. Brown", "line": "Oh, nice." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Expectations...." }, { "character": "Mr. Brown", "line": "Good." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you. Sharing..." }, { "character": "Mr. Brown", "line": "Great." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And tolerance." }, { "character": "Mr. Brown", "line": "Beautiful." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Um, that spells incest." }, { "character": "Mr. Brown", "line": "Oh, my sorry. That is not appropriate." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, it's not ideal but you have to give me some credit 'cause I made it into a word." }, { "character": "Mr. Brown", "line": "Yeah, but it's not appropriate. This is not helpful as a memory aid." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I will give you a number of reasons why it is, actually. Okay, first, incest is bad. Racism is bad. No brainer, right? Two, incest. We're all a family, right? We're all brothers and sisters. Racial message? Um? Number three, and this is a fact. The states where they have a lot of racism are the states where they have a lot of incest. Okay? And finally..." }, { "character": "Mr. Brown", "line": "Okay, Michael, I just..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, no, no, wait. Final one, final one this is important. The more we can encourage interracial dating as a society the further away we get from incest, literally." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "It would've been just as easy for him to spell insect. Of course, that wouldn't have made any sense either." } ], [ { "character": "Mr. Brown", "line": "Does anyone have anything else at all? Anyone besides Michael?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I have something." }, { "character": "Mr. Brown", "line": "Yes, please." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Um, well I grew up here in Scranton and when I was a kid the guy who lived next door was a former baseball player, who actually played pro ball before the leagues were integrated. And he had the most incredible stories about..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. I'm sorry, I'm sorry this guy's a temp and I should've told you that." }, { "character": "Mr. Brown", "line": "No, no, no, no. An outsider's perspective would probably be pretty helpful." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, but no, seriously. Uh, you know, he's not a member of the full staff so, uh, Ryan you wanna just step outside?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "What do you want me to do?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, maybe you should go down to the parking lot. You know what. Yes, go down to the parking lot and check to se if any of our guests have parked in the handicapped spots. Cool? 'Cause the handicaps get a raw deal. Oh, you know what. That ties right into New Attitudes. New attitudes about handicap people. Very important." }, { "character": "Mr. Brown", "line": "I'm sorry, Michael. We're actually out of time." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, um, there's good things about Michael. He uh, uh... Yeah, definitely. Um..." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "\"In this way, I can truly be a hero. Signed, Daffy Duck.\" [laughing] He's going to lose it when he reads that. Doh! Hogan! Not again, Hogan! Get Col. Burkhalter on the phone! [laughing] I'm kind of a Hogan around here. And kind of, Jan is kind of Col. Burkhalter, then Dwight is Schultz. But, it's... Oh, God. We have fun. We have fun. 'Cause he's gonna be pissed. [making voice] No doubt about it." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What you doing?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Freecell." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Solitaire is a one-player game. It can't have two players." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, I mean." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What's your win rate?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Seventy-six percent. What's yours?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You're not allowed to play two-player. You need to start over." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You're doing fine." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Are we going? [Dwight puts four fingers in front of the camera to start a countdown] Don't do that. Just say action when we're ready." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Dunder Mifflin, Michael Scott, Diversity Tomorrow, take four. And action." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[mumbling] Should I... turn, no. Do it again." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Diversity Tomorrow, take five. Action." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hi. I'm Michael Scott. I'm in charge of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products here in Scranton, Pennsylvania but I'm also the founder of Diversity Tomorrow, because today is almost over. Abraham Lincoln once said that, \"If you're a racist, I will attack you with the North.\" And those are the principles... Damn it. Okay, sorry. Don't laugh; please don't laugh this time Dwight. You're... it's, it's bugging me. Let me give myself a countdown, ready? Three, two, one." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Take six." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just let me do it! God! Three, two, one. Hi. I'm Michael Scott. I'm in charge of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products here in Scranton... Keep the camera steady please! People are gonna get sea sick watching this. Ready? Three, two, one." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Action." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Don't. Please don't say anything. [sighs] Oh, God." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And action... Lights, camera, action. Whenever you're ready." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Could I count myself down please, Dwight. Three, two, one. Hi. I'm Michael Scott. I'm in charge of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products here in Scranton, Pennsylvania but I'm also the founder of Diversity Tomorrow, because today is almost over. Abraham Lincoln once said that, \"If you're a racist, I will attack you with the North.\" And those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Cut." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[wandering around the room during his diversity exercise] I want you to push it. I want you to push 'cause breakthroughs are right around the corner. Something's going to pop here. Something's going to pop between a party. Feel what it's like to be in someone else's skin. What does it feel like to be a different race? It feels pretty bad doesn't it. So let that come out." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, I marched on Washington back in the day. I went to the Washington Monument and the Lincoln Memorial, U.S. Mint, congressman talked to our class. It was pretty cool." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Talk like you're talking to that race. I have a feeling that this could get kind of volatile. So keep it going. [camera shows Devon sitting outside with West Nile]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Um, what's going on here?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "People treat us like the race on our forehead. And then we guess what race we are." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ah, good. Good luck. Doing good. [goes to the index cards and writes another race down]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, man, am I a woman?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes, yes." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "God!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "How embarrassing is it? That's not fair. Here..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's not fair." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Try this. [takes Dwight's 'Asian' race and switches it with the one he wrote]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thank you. Thank you very much." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Go get 'em." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Good. [clears throat] So, am I a hunter gather culture?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Do I live near a harbor or an ocean?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, I'm an inland. Am I a mountainous?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Am I nomadic?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, okay, okay, okay. I think I got this. Um, I am treated in a foreign way with a great deal of prejudice. Am I one of those tribes in Africa? The piggies, or whatever?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No. But I am, I am human, right? [Pam hesitates]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[Dwight's new race is 'Dwight'] I could be French." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[takes his 'Dwight' race off his forehead] Damn it, Jim! That's not funny, Jim!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, okay. Here we go, breakthrough radar. What happened? What happened here?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It didn't have anything to do with race." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, all right. Let's keep on track. Keep on point. Let's do it." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "One time we had an ethnic festival in Scranton. One time." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Try my googi, googi. [Lowering voice] Try my googi, googi. [High-pitched voice] Try my googi, googi. Try my... [Kelly slaps Michael] All right! All right! Yes! That was great, she gets it! Kelly thank you. [claps] She's not here, but she gets it. That's what we have been looking for. The whole time. [trying not to cry] Oh, man. This is what I thrive on. You know? It's like Don Rickles on acid, man. Right?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Um, why did she slap Martin Luther King?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What, huh?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What card was she?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I think she wasn't wearing a card." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's good. This is good. We got it happening now. All right? Let's keep it rolling. Let's round it up." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam. Pamela. Pam-elama-ding-dong. Making copies." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm not making any copies." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Let's go. Messages. Stat. Lots to do, lots to do. Information superhighway." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Nothing new." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Lay them on me. What?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "There's nothing new." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's not what you said earlier." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, do you want me to repeat the messages that I gave you before for the... [nods toward camera]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "The most sacred thing I do is care and provide for my workers, my family. I give them money. I give them food. Not directly, but through the money. I heal them. Today, I am in charge of picking a great new health care plan. Right? That's what this is all about. Does that make me their doctor? Um... Yes, in a way. Yeah, like a specialist." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "So, which health plan have you decided on?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am going to go with the best, Jan. I am going to go with the one with the acupuncture, therapeutic massage, you know, the works." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Wait, acupuncture? None of the plans have acupuncture. Have you looked at them closely Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I think it was you who didn't look closely enough at the Gold Plan." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "The Gold Plan? I'm not even on that plan." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, I'd recommend it. It's very good." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You gotta crack these things open." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "You know the whole reason that we're doing this, is to save money. So you just need to pick a provider and choose the cheapest plan." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, that is kind of a tough assignment. Um... It won't be popular decision around the old orifice." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "It's your job. So..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, it's a suicide mission, you know." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Michael... maybe... I mean..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "There, there..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Sometimes a manager, like yourself, has to deliver the bad news to the employees. I do it all the time." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[scoffs] When have you ever done that?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I'm doing it right now. To you." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Last night on Trading Spouses, there's... have you seen it?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No. I have a life." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Interesting, what's that like?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You should try it sometime." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow. But then who would watch my TV? That is..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[laughs]... your problem." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jimbo! Ha haaaaa. Ah." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "There's a decision that needs to be made, and I'm having an unbelievably a busy day. So I'm going to let you pick a health care plan for our office and then explain it to your co-workers." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Gosh." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That is a great offer. Thank you. I really think I should be concentrating on sales." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah. I just don't think this is the kind of task, that I... am going to do. You know who would be great for this?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Any time Michael asks me to do anything, I just tell him that Dwight should do it." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes. I can do it. I'm your man." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Right now, this is just a job. If I advance any higher in this company then this would be my career. And uh, well, if this were my career, I'd have to throw myself in front of a train." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "OK, first, let's go over some parameters. How many people can I fire?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ah, none. You're picking a health care plan." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "OK, we'll table that for the time being. Two, I'll need an office. I think the conference room should be fine." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You can use the conference room as a temporary workspace." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[to self] Yes, I have an office. [to camera] Bigger than his." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nope, you cannot use it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "OK, I take it back, it's a workspace." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Temporary workspace. You can use it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thank you." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "If Dwight fails, then that is strike two, and good for me for, ah, for giving him a second chance. And if he succeeds, then, you know, no one will be prouder than I am. I groomed him. I made him what he is today. Unless he fails, and we've talked about that already." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What did I do? I did my job. I slashed benefits to the bone. I saved this company money. Was I too harsh? Maybe. I don't believe in coddling people." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, \"Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me and I'm dead.\" Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "There's no dental, there's no vision, there's a $1,200 deductible." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[on phone] Pam, Michael Scott. How's tricks?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Where are you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, I am in my office. I am swamped. I have work up to my ears I'm busy, busy, busy. Can't step away. I just wanted to check in and see how everybody's doing. Everybody cool out there?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Actually, people are really unhappy. Um, Dwight sent around this memo and people are freaking out 'cause the..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam! Whoa, whoa, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I, I, I, I gotta go. I'm getting a call." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No you're not." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I have to make a call after I finish... my work. You know what? Uh, just don't let anybody in my office under any conditions today. I'm just too busy. Too swamped, you know? I am unreachable. I am incommunicado, capisce?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "OK." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you, Oh, gah, here we go again. Gotta go, I have to take this." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Still no one calling." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Dwight, what..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Uh, knock, please. Please knock. This is an office." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It says \"workspace\"." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Same thing." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "If it's the same thing, then why did you write \"workspace\"?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Just knock, Please? As a sign of respect for your superior." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You are not my superior." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh gee, then why do I have an office?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I thought it was a workspace?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "OK. Dwight. Are you really in charge of picking the health care plan?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes. And my decision in final." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "This is a ridiculously awful plan. Because you cut everything." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Aww, times are tough, Pam. Deal with it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You cut more than you had to, didn't you?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Sure." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, why did you do that? You work here, don't you want good insurance?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Don't need it. Never been sick. Perfect immune system." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "OK, well, if you've never been sick, then you don't have any antibodies." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I don't need them. Superior genes. I'm a Schrute. And superior brain power. Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Why would you want to raise your cholesterol?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So I can lower it." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "He literally won't come out of his office." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "He's got to come out sometime. To go to the bathroom." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Kevin! That's inappropriate." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Michael, can I talk to you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ah, uh, I would love to, but I am really busy. Rain check?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Michael. Michael, please, can we talk to you about this memo?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ah, what? Which memo?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Dwight's health care memo. I told you about it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Is it a good plan?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's a great plan. It saves the company a fortune." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "It's like a pay decrease." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael, he made huge cuts." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Cuts? What? Wow, Dwight, did you make cuts?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, you said..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no , no, you know what? I said nothing specific because I was so busy. Why don't you go in there and find these people a plan that will work for them? OK?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I can handle that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK? All right. Do we feel good? All right. Good. Plus, there's some other good news. Today, at the end of the day, I will have, for all of you, a big surprise. OK? So hang in there, and I will see you at the end of the day. Right?" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "This is not good." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "It's ridiculous. Did you talk to him?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What was that?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "You let him walk all over you. It's just pathetic." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "What are you guys talking about?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Nothing, Kevin." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do I know what the surprise is? Hell no! It doesn't matter. The point is, they're not unhappy anymore. They're out there thinking, \"Wow, my boss really cares about me. He has a surprise. He's cool. I... what a great guy. I love him. I... love him." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "OK, everyone. Gather round. Step forward. It has been brought to my attention that some of you are unhappy with my plan. So what I'd like you to do is to fill this out and write down any diseases you have that you might want covered and I'll see what I can do." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "OK, you know what Dwight? We can't write our diseases down for you because that's confidential." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "OK, well, I didn't say to write your name down, did I? Fill it out, leave it anonymous. Or, don't write any disease down at all and it won't be covered. Sound fair? Good. I'll be in my office." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Workspace." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what? Come with me. We are going on a little mission. Operation Surprise." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Where are you going?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um, headed out. Part of my busy day, you know. Meetings. [Giggles] Couldn't find the knob." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "So, basically, I want to do something nice for my employees. Atlantic City, OK? They have this thing where they send a bus, right, for free. Picks everybody up, you head down there, get to the hotel, room is comped, they give you a pile of chips, and your food, everything just kind of all-inclusive, free kind of weekend." }, { "character": "Travel Agent", "line": "I don't know of anything like that, but, um, you know what you might want to do, is just call those casinos directly. Um, maybe?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did, so..." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wait. What are you writing? Don't write Ebola or mad cow disease. Right? 'Cause I'm suffering from both." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm inventing new diseases." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, great." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "So, let's say my teeth turn to liquid and then, they drip down the back of my throat. What would you call that?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I thought you said you were inventing diseases? That's spontaneous dental hydroplosion." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Nice." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thank you." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[on his cell phone] Calling you to ask you a little favoroonie my friend. Um, trying to give the troops around here a little bit of a boost. And I was thinking that maybe we could take them down to take a spin on your big ride." }, { "character": "Man on Phone", "line": "You mean the elevator that takes you down into the mineshaft? It's not really a ride." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Its says here that it's a 300ft drop." }, { "character": "Man on Phone", "line": "It goes 300 feet into the earth, but it moves really slowly." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So it's not a free fall?" }, { "character": "Man on Phone", "line": "It's an industrial coal elevator." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh, all right. Well, once you get down into the mine, what... you got laser tag or something?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK, so I don't know what the surprise is. Am I worried? No. No way. See, I thrive on this. This is my world. This is improv. This is Whose Line is it Anyway?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Damnit! Damnit Jim!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "All right, who did this? I'm not mad. I just want to know who did it so I can punish them." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What are you talking about?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Uh, someone forged, uh, medical information and that is a felony." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "OK, whoa. 'Cause that is a pretty intense accusation. How do you know that they're fake?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Uh, leprosy? Flesh eating bacteria. Hot-dog fingers. Government-created killer nanorobot infection." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You did this, didn't you?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Absolutely not." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes you did." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No I didn't." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I know it was you. Fine. You know what? I'll have to interview each and every one of you until the perpetrator makes him or herself known. And until that time, there will be no health care coverage for any one!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Killer nanorobots?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's an epidemic." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The problem, Jim, is that people who are really suffering from a medical condition won't receive the care they need, because someone in this office is coming up with all this ridiculous stuff. [reads off of paper] \"Count Choculitis\"" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Sounds tough." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Why did you write that down Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Do you?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I think you need to confess..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mmm hmm." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "...the fact..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yep." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What are you doing? Those are my keys." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Good luck. [closes door and locks it]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jim! Damnit! No! Jim! Let me out! Jim! Let... [Without looking, Jim throws his keys to his left, they land on a shelf next to Stanley]" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[looks at keys, continues talking on phone] ...the light green or green..." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[answering phone] Jim Halpert." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Let me out." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Who is this?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Let me out or you're fired." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, you can't fire me." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes I can. I'm manager for the day. Clean out your desk." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "OK, can you hold on? I'm getting the, ah, beep. [presses button on phone]] Jim Halpert." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[on phone] Hey, Jim. It's Pam." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey Pam! How are you?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jim! Open the door!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Good, how are you? Busy?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm doing OK. Getting excited for the weekend though. What are you up to?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jim!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Um, I'm not bothering you, am I?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, not at all." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You don't have anything you're doing?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I have nothing to do." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jim!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh great. Um, no, this weekend? Nothing. I'm not really doing anything." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jim!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh yeah?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I might go to the mall." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "The mall?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jim!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I need new shoes." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, interesting, what kind of shoes?" } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "Hello?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Uh, hello. Uh, this is Dwight Schrute calling for Jan Levenson-Gould." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "This is Jan." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hi. Dwight Schrute calling, acting manager, Scranton branch. Listen, I needed your permission to fire Jim Halpert." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Who is this?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Dwight Schrute." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "From sales?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Where's Michael Scott?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "He is not here right now. He put me in charge of the office." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Dwight, listen to me very carefully. You are not a manager of anything. Understand?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's not entirely true, because he put me in charge of picking the health care plan." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "OK, when Michael gets back, you tell him to call me immediately." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Call you immediately. Good. Oh, hey, listen, um, since I have you on the phone, um, can I fire Jim?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "No. Please don't use my cell phone ever again." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, this is your cell, I thought this was your... [dial tone]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, hey, everybody, Ice-cream sandwiches! Aaaahh! [laughs] Here you go. Take one, take one. It's all good. Phyllis, think fast. Ya-bome! Oh, oh, I see Angela. Angela? Right? Waaaaah! Oh, hey temp. Why don't you take two? Because you don't get health care. And uh, faster metabolism." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Did you get the kind with the cookies? Instead of the..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why don't you just eat it, OK? And here you go, Stanley the manly." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Oh, thanks." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "There you go." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "This isn't the big surprise, is it? Because we've been having a pretty horrible day." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh, nope. Nope. This isn't the surprise. It's surprising, um... because you didn't expect it. But you will... you'll know it when you see it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael. Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[under his breath] Oh, Christ." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I tried being rational, OK? And what happened? The employees went crazy, I got no help from corporate. That leaves me with no options." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm now going to read out loud your submitted medical conditions. When you hear yours read, please raise your hand to indicate that it is real. If you do not raise your hand, it will not be covered." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "What about confidentiality?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You know what? You have forfeited that privilege. I have tried to treat you all as adults, but obviously I am the only adult here. Number one, inverted penis." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Could you mean vagina? Because if you do, I want that covered." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I thought your vagina was removed during your hysterectomy?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "A uterus is different from a vagina. I still have a vagina." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "OK, great. Dermatitis. Thank you Angela. I'll make sure that's covered. OK, now. Who wrote this, hysterical one? Anal fissures?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "That's a real thing." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, but no one here has it." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Someone has it." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Do you think we should go ?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I don't know, Kevin. This is important. I don't want... [spots Michael through the blinds] There he is." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "What is he doing?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I don't know." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Well?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, what? You could be referring to anything." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "OK, the health care plan." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Why did you put Dwight in charge of that? He did a horrible job." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh, Dwight? Did you raise benefits?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I most certainly did not." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh come on! That's horrible! Aaah... Thanks, Dwight, for a crappy plan. Ah, Damn! Oh, mmm, I wish I had time to change it, but Jan needs it by five, and... what time is it, what time is it? [looks at watch] Ah, it's after five. Oh, oh it's awful. So, well, OK. See you guys on Monday." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "What about the surprise?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh... Yes. Exactly. Thank you Angela, for reminding me. Terrific. Um, before I tell everybody what the big surprise is, would you like to tell me what you think the big surprise is?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "We all think you don't have a surprise." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right, I have some news for you. There is a big surprise. And... here it is. Here we go. And the big surprise is... Brrrrrrrr! Drum roll... Brrrrrrrr! Brrrrrrrr!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "When I am backed into a corner, that is when I come alive. See I learned improve from the greats, like, um, Drew Carey and Ryan Stiles." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[clapping hands] God, yeah... Ah! This..." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Robin Williams. Oh, man, would I love to go head-to-head with him. Oh! That would be exciting. [as Robin Williams] \"Hi. I'm Mork from Ork.\" Well, I'm Bork from Spork. Nanoo, nanoo. Jibelee, baloobaloo." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, um... Jan wants you to call her." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[heated discussion in the 'Dwight Schrute Workspace', door opens] I did not dismiss you." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Well, you have no right to ask those questions." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You came into my office voluntarily." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Because I don't want my benefits slashed." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, maybe they won't get slashed if you answer all my questions." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I'm reporting you." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You know when ever a worker is promoted above their peers there's always going to be a little bit of jealousy. Uh, it's natural. And that's going to lead to goofing off and that's okay that's fine. As long as they are willing to suffer the consequences." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Michael I need to talk to you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sorry, too busy can't even come to the door." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[opens door] Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, no... [hurries to get up from chair]" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Michael, Michael I... [blinds rustle] ... inside." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what. I, um, I'm out the door. I'm going to a meeting. Pam, I'm headed out to another meeting. So see you later. Uh, here we go." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "We stole Dwight's trashcan and she found some of his early attempts at his sign." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, here's uh, this is very simple. \"Dwight's Workspace,\" nice." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Mmm hmm." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Um, this one interesting the power comes from the font in this one. \"Schrute Space,\" very medieval, very England. Um, this one's forceful, this one's very Dwight. \"Quiet! Dwight Schrute Working,\" it's good." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Mmm hmm." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I really heard him on that. This one's interesting I'm not really sure what he meant by this. Um, \"Dwight Schrute Privates.\" Tough to say." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, you know what, Dwight. What if you got a really serious disease like Ebola." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Psssh, no." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, it could happen. Have you ever seen the movie Outbreak?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah. Well, have you ever seen the movie Unbreakable? 'Cause that guy couldn't get sick, just like me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay. Have you ever seen the movie Sixth Sense? Maybe you are already dead." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Unlikely." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "You promise these are confidential?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "100%." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Did you just mark on that?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I don't think so, no." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You made a \"P.\"" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wrong. [walks away] Thank you Jim. Kevin. Stanley. [whispering] Pam, Jim, Kevin, Stanley. Pam, Jim, Kevin, Stanley. You finished?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Oh, yeah. Here's the rest of them." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That was... unauthorized." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, it is time to call in a little favor. A buddy of mine runs this tourist attraction, actually it's big. It's probably one of the most popular in the state. So..." }, { "character": "Man on Phone", "line": "Hello." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[on his cell phone] Hey, hey Craigers, my man! It is Michael Scott here. [silence] Dunder Mifflin, we supply your office paper." }, { "character": "Man on Phone", "line": "Oh, I think we already did our order this month." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, no, no. No, actually to ask you a little favoroonie my friend. Um, here's the deal. Um, trying to give the troops here a little bit of a boost. And I was thinking that maybe we could bring them down to go on your big ride." }, { "character": "Man on Phone", "line": "You mean the elevator that takes you down into the mineshaft? It's not really a ride." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, it says here that it's a 300ft drop." }, { "character": "Man on Phone", "line": "Well, it goes 300 feet into the earth, but it moves really slowly." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So it's not a free fall?" }, { "character": "Man on Phone", "line": "It's an industrial coal elevator." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh, okay. So um, once you get down into the mine, what do you do? Is it like, uh... Do you have laser tag down there or something?" }, { "character": "Man on Phone", "line": "No, you just look around. It's a historically preserved coal mine." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's it?" }, { "character": "Man on Phone", "line": "Well, there's the adjacent Anthracite Heritage Museum. They got some really interesting old mining tools. There's also a photo mural exhibit. Uh, bat guano sculpture. [Michael hangs up cell phone]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh, he's a small client. They don't really buy much." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Why do you want health care, Pam? Hmm? Why do you want it?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "In case I get sick." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Why don't you just go ahead and use Roy's health care plan, huh?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Because we're not married." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "But you're engaged. Aren't you and maybe you've set a date for the wedding, hmm? And because you know you're going to get married you don't have to take our health care plan seriously." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We haven't set a date. [Dwight laughs]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You really expect me to believe you haven't set a date? I think you have. Sure Pam, sure. But you know what, you've been engaged for three years and I know you've set a date. And you know what else, I know you've got coverage under Roy and I know that you wrote down those fake diseases. Admit it. Admit it, Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Shut up, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You wrote down... I didn't give you permission to.. I didn't..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm not talking to you anymore." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dwight, I uh, I have something to confess." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You're doing the right thing. Go ahead. What 's your confession?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Um..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Let it out." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You're a jackass." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay. You wanna do this the hard way. We'll do this the hard way. You wrote down those fake diseases didn't you?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No. Was that the hard way?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I know you did." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, then why are you wasting everybody else's time interrogating them?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, because I want to know who wrote those diseases down." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Right." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You want you to take this pen and this piece of paper and write this down. Write this down." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I, Jim Halpert..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wait, slow down." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "...confess to health care fraud." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "One second 'cause that sounds really good. Is jackass one word or two? [Dwight sighs] One, right? 'Cause, 'cause of the show, it's one." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "One word." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I've really learned from the greats. The great improvisers, Drew Carey, Ryan Stiles, uh, the Brady guy not so much. He's more the signing, Wayne Brady. Um, Robin Williams. Oh, man, would I love to go head-to-head with him. Oh! That would be exciting. [as Robin Williams] \"Hi. I'm Mork from Ork.\" Well, I'm Bork from Spork. Nanoo, nanoo. Jibelee, baloobaloo. [as Robin Williams] \"That's Good morning, Vietnam!\" Well, hello to you. You know it would be... God. And you know what, sometimes when I'm watching somebody like um, like Jay Leno. He'll be half way through his step [snaps his fingers] And I will already be laughing at the punch line. He hasn't even gotten to it. He doesn't even know what it is it. So it's fun, you know it's fun having a mind that works like that. That is just a few steps ahead of... comedically ahead of like what's going on. Like I'll watch T.V. and I'll be watching a show and I will think, oh, I know someone's gonna walk in here right now and say something funny. And then they do. Or, um, I know they'll be like oh boy that person deserved to be slammed down. There's going to be some sort of insult. And there is. You know, there's like, \"Oh you're... God your butt is fat.\" And I knew it. I know it's like I knew they were going to say that. I knew they were gonna go there. Don't go there. Um, but other... You know it's like uh, you know Leno, um and Letterman, Carson, you know. Need I say more? No." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, um... Jan wants you to call her." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We're all going bowling!" } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael!?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh! God. Dwight, come on..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I wanted to talk to you about the downsizing?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "There's no downsizing." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I, but if there were, I'd be protected as assistant regional manager?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Assistant to the regional manager Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, so I don't have to worry?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Look, look, look. I talked to corporate, about protecting the sales staff. And they said they couldn't guarantee it if there's downsizing, okay?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "But there's no downsizing, so just don't..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Bottom line. Do I need to be worried?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mmm, mm, mm. Maybe." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "It looks like there's gonna be downsizing. And it's part of my job, but... blah! I hate it. I think the main difference between me and Donald Trump is that, uh, I get no pleasure out of saying the words, \"You're fired.\" [as Donald Trump] \"You're foir-ed. Uh, you're foir-ed.\" It just makes people sad, and an office can't function that way. No way. [as Donald Trump] \"You're foir-ed.\" I think if I had a catchphrase it would be, \"You're hired, and you can work here as long as you want.\" But that's unrealistic, so..." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's a real shame, 'cause studies have shown that more information gets passed through water-cooler gossip than through official memos. Which puts me at a disadvantage, because I bring my own water to work." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Why'd you do this?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I didn't do it. What do you mean? Oh, the water cooler was brought over here for... maintenance. So what do you guys hear? What's the scuttlebutt?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Get set for Operation Morale Improvement starring Michael Scott. Now, I think I have had a little stroke of genius in that I have had my assistant Pam... Smile, Pam. I have had her go out and find out whose birthday is coming up, so we can have a little celebration for it. Not bad, not bad at all. All right. And the birthday person is... drum roll please. Here we go, who is the birthday, birthday person?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Who is it? Who's the birthday?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Um... Actually, we don't have any staff birthdays coming up." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Next person on the..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "...calendar." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay, umm... that would be Meredith." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes! All right, come on down Meredith!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "But it's not until next month." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um... uh, OK. Well, great, well, you know, it'll be a surprise." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You still want to have a party?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, why not? Sure. Go ahead, live a little. Come on, Pam. Come on, shake it up. Shake it up! Shake it up!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[grabs cell phone off desk] Brrrp! Uh, Spock, are there any signs of life down there? Well, let me check Captain. Eeee. Eeee. Eeee. Eeee. No, Captain. No signs of life down here. Just a wet blanket named Pam. Brr-rrrp. Star Trek." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Well, uh, for decorations, maybe we could... it's stupid, forget it." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I was just going to say, maybe we could have streamers, but that's dumb, everybody has streamers. Never mind." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No, yeah, I think that's a good idea." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yeah?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "What color do you guys think?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Well, there's green, um, blue... yellow... red..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "How about green?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I think green is kind of whoreish." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "This was tough. I suggested we flip a coin. But Angela said she doesn't like to gamble. Of course by saying that she was gambling that I wouldn't smack her." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "These are my party-planning beeyatches. Pulled off an amazing '80s party last year. Off the hook!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So I was thinking, if you haven't already got a cake, um, maybe going for one of those ice-cream cakes from Baskin-Robbins. Those are very good. Very Delicious." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Meredith's allergic to dairy, so..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "She's not the only one that's going to be eating it, right? I think everybody likes ice-cream cake. It's not, uh, it's not just about her, so..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It is... her birthday." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mint chocolate chip! That'd be good, how about some, mint chocolate chip?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey, so listen, I was thinking that it might be a good idea if you and I formed an alliance. 'Cause of the downsizing? I think an alliance might be a good idea, you know. Help each other out." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Do you want to form, an alliance, with me?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Absolutely, I do." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Good, good. Excellent, OK. Now we need to figure out who's vulnerable and who's protected..." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "At that moment, I was so happy. I mean, everything Dwight does annoys me." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Did you get your tickets?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "To what?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The gun show. [Rolls up his sleeve and kisses his bicep]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "And I spend hours thinking of ways to get back at him, but only in ways that could get me arrested. And then here he comes and he says \"No, Jim, here's a way.\"" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "There's one other thing and this is important. Let's keep this alliance totally a secret. Don't tell anyone." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "An alliance?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh yeah." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What does that even mean?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I think it has something to do with Survivor, but I'm not sure." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Um, I know that it involves spying on people and we may build a fort, underground." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jim! Hey. Hi, Pam. Listen, could I talk to you a second about the... paper products?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Did you tell Pam about the alliance?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What? No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Just now." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What? Oh no no no. Dwight, no. I'm using her, for the alliance. Who knows the most information about this office? Pam." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Right, that's good, good, pursue this." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well I'm trying to. Do you see what I'm doing?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Mmm hmm." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "But listen, I'm going to have to talk to her a lot. All right? And there may be chatting, and giggling. And you gotta just pretend to ignore it. Wipe it away." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Done." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[to the camera] Can you get her? She's right there. [camera zooms in on Meredith at here desk] That is Meredith, the birthday girl. And this... is Meredith's card. Happy Bird-Day. [laughs] Um, let's see. Jim, Jim wrote, \"Meredith, I heard you're turning 46, but, come on, you're an accountant. Just fudge the numbers.\" Not bad, pretty funny, I don't appreciate condoning corporate fraud though. Uh, here's the thing. Whatever I write here has to be really, really funny. Because people out there are expecting it. I've already set the bar really high. And they're all worried about their jobs, you know. It's kinda dark out there. Can you imagine if I wrote something like, uh, \"Oh, Meredith. Happy Birthday. You're great. Love, Michael.\" [pretends to vomit and laughs]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "They seem awfully chummy, don't you think?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, what do you think that's about?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Only one way to find out." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm on it." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "You are not going to believe this." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What? I believe it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, tensions were high in the kitchen." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I could tell, from the body language." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey Kev, that looks good. What is it? Turkey?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Italian." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, Italian. Nice. Wow! You got the works there. Red onion, provolone..." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Toby and Kevin, they're trying to get Angela kicked off." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Good, let 'em. It helps our cause." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, I don't know, if Kevin's in accounting, and Toby's in Human Resources and they're talking..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, they're forming an alliance" } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "I love their sandwiches." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I love their sandwiches too." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Their bread's really good." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Their bread is very good." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Damn it. God!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "OK, listen, we need to assume that everyone in the office is forming an alliance and is therefore trying to get us kicked off." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "God... Damn it! Why us?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Because we're strong, Dwight. Because we're strong." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[staring at birthday card] Meredith, Meredith... Meri... Mary had a little lamb. Mary... Meredith had a little lamb. Don't bring that lamb to work or it'll poop on the floor." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, Oscar! Come on in. What's up?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Uh, I'm sorry to bother you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, not at all. Come on in. What's going on?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "My nephew is involved with, um, a charity for cerebral palsy, and I was wondering if maybe you'd like to... you know... if..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Donate to the charity?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, God. Of course I would. Get it over here. Get that over here." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I'm always good... for some serious buckage. Wow. Two dollars, three dollars? People out here do not care about diseases. I am going to give you... $25." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "That's... that's... that's very generous." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, my gosh, well... Listen, Oscar, generosity and togetherness and community all convalescences into... morale. That's what I say, so..." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[whispering] Hey, Jim, can I talk to you for a second?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Sure, what's up?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Um, I don't know, I'm just like, I'm going a little crazy 'cause I keep overhearing all these conversations between Michael and corporate about like, staff issues?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh no?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, he's making me take notes on these meetings and I'm, like, \"These people are my friends.\" But he's all like, \"This is confidential. You can't tell anybody.\" But I just feel like I want to... aaah. Just promise me you're not gonna say anything." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, will not, I'm not going to tell anybody. This is between you and me." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "OK, yeah." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jackpot." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "That was beautiful. All her idea too. Awesome. She is so great." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[looking at birthday card] Meredith, bad breath. Meredith has bad breath." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey, you wanted to see me?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah. What do you know about Meredith?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I don't think she'd be missed." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "There's not going to be downsizing Dwight, OK? I just, I need to know a little bit more about my friend." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Name, Meredith Palmer. Uh, personal information, divorced twice, two kids. Uh, Employer, Dunder Mifflin Paper Incorporated. Awards, multiple Dundies." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know all that. I know all that. I just, I need something kind of embarrassing, you know. Kind of fun, inside." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "She had a hysterectomy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[laughs] Which one is that again?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's where they remove the uterus." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh God! Dwight, no. I'm trying to write something funny. What am I going to do with a removed uterus?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It could be kind of funny." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what, I am on a deadline here, and just... OK. Thanks, thanks for your help. I'll work it out. Thank you Dwight. That was a waste of time." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "OK, here's the deal. All right? Pam says that one of the alliances is meeting in the warehouse during Meredith's birthday." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh my God, we have to be there." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I know, but it's gonna be a little tough because there's no good place to hide there." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No no, yes there is. Behind the shelves. Oh my God." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What? What?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I know. I know exactly what to do." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[gives Dwight a high five] Great." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm a deer hunter. I go all the time with my dad. One thing about deer, they have very good vision. One thing about me, I am better at hiding than they are... at vision." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "This is going to be perfect, OK? Centrally located. Perfect cover. I can hear and see everything." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Good." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Michael? Are you done yet?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Almost there. Just a sec. Just a second. It is perfect, thank you. Excellent, here we go. It is time, thank you. OK, come on. Let's go! Get the cake. Here we go. Come on! Shhh. Be quiet." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wait, this isn't gonna work. The lid's open." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So tape it down." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I can't do that. You won't be able to breathe." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Look, I can breathe just fine. OK, but if it makes you feel better, I'll poke holes in the box." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thank you, thank you. OK." } ], [ { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Surprise!" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Oh! Surprise." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No, it's ah..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's surprise Meredith. One, two..." }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "[tunelessly] Happy birthday to you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Find a key." }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Happy birthday..." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "So do you want me to stay here and, you know, stand next to the box?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, you need to go upstairs to the party so people don't notice we're both gone." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Right... That's good." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Can I trust Jim? I don't know. Do I have a choice? No, frankly, I don't. Will I trust Jim? Yes. Should I trust Jim? You tell me." } ], [ { "character": "Everyone", "line": "[singing] ... birthday, dear Meredith Happy birthday to you..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And many more!" } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Last year, five years ago..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You were surprised, weren't you?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You looked freaked, man. We said \"Surprise.\" You were, like, \"What?\" \"What the hell's goin' on here?\" Good cake. Why don't you have some?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Uh, I can't. Um..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Come on. A little bit." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I can't eat dairy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, right. God, too bad. It's so good." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Yeah, it makes me sick." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what? If I were allergic to dairy, I think I'd kill myself. 'Cause this is way, way too good." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "He's in a box?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Pam, he's in a box. He's downstairs, in a box, on the floor, near the shelves. I'm serious. Go down there and work your magic." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[on her cell phone] Hey where are you? Yeah, we were supposed to meet here. What? Oh my gosh! That ties in perfectly with something that Michael was telling me earlier! I just don't know what some of the people in, like, accounting are going to do? It said specifically that..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[box falls over] Oh." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jim, good party, huh? Just a little something I whipped up. You know, a little morale boost. No big deal." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Speaking of which, I meant to tell you. Very impressive, the uh, donation you gave to Oscar's charity. What was it? 25 bucks?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, you know, money isn't everything Jim. It's not the key to happiness. You know what is? Joy. You should remember that. Maybe you'll give more than three dollars next time." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, well, three dollars a mile. It's gonna end up being like 50 bucks. So... God, I can't even calculate what you're gonna have to give." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Is Oscar around?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I just thought it was kind of a flat, you know... 25 dollar, one-time donation. I didn't think it was per mile kinda deal. You know, so..." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Well, that's what a walk-a-thon is." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know..." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "It says it right on the sheet. Look, look at the sheet. It says, \"However many dollars per mile.\"" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Right. Got it. Yes. So it does. Um..." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I just think it's kind of cheap to un-donate money to a charity." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, no, no, no. That wasn't what I wasn't, that wasn't... No. It-it-it's not about the money. It's just... it... it's the ethics of the thing, Oscar. How's your nephew? Is he in good shape?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "How many miles did he do last year?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Last year, he walked 18 miles." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Son of a bitch. That is impressive." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Happy Birthday. [gives Meredith her card]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Read it out loud. And say who wrote everything so we know whose is the best." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "\"Happy Bird-day\" Um... \"Meredith, good news. You're not actually a year older because you work here, where time stands still.\"" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[under his breath] I don't know about that." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "That was Stanley. \"Meredith, happy birthday, you're the best. Love, Pam.\"" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[pretends to vomit] Huh! Thanks, downer." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "This is from Michael. \"Meredith, let's hope the only downsizing that happens to you is that someone downsizes your age.\"" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Because of the downsizing. Rumors. And because you're gettin' old." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "No, I... I get it. It's funny." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[laughs] You didn't get the joke. So, that's cool. That's, you know what? Actually... I have a bunch of these, good ones, that I didn't use. Um... Oh, where's that? Oh, OK, here's a good one. Um... \"Hey Meredith, Liz Taylor called, she wants her age back and her divorces back.\" 'Cause Meredith's been divorced like, twice. Is that right?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "You're right. You're right. Yes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Divorce. Um... OK, \"Meredith is so old...\"" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "How old is she?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Everybody? If... could do it? \"Meredith is so old...\"" }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "How old is she?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "\"She's so old, she went into an antique store and they kept her.\"" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That wasn't even mine. I got that off the Internet. Website. Um, don't get mad at me." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Uh, nice party Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "This isn't my fault. Ladies, not your best effort. The streamers? I think we could have done better than that." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Phyllis wanted red, I didn't." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh, boy... You..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK, we... all right. People, hold on, hold on. Just a second. OK, I think we're losing sight of what is really important here. And that is that we are... a group of people... who work together. I was... I really wasn't gonna flaunt this. I have made a very sizable donation to Oscar's nephew's... walkathon. $25." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Per mile." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Per mile, yes." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "When I retire, I... don't want to just disappear to an island somewhere. I wanna be the guy who gives everything back." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "A check for the kids, and for the team." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I want it to be like... \"Hey, who donated that hospital wing that is saving so many lives?\" \"Um, well, I don't, I don't know. It was anonymous.\" \"Well, guess what, [whispering] that was Michael Scott.\" \"But it was anonymous, how do you know?\" \"Because I'm him.\"" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Thank you, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Come here. [hugs Oscar and In a low voice] Don't cash that till Friday, OK?" } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Really? Today?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Oh, Happy Birthday." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Thanks." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Yeah, I could say something." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "No, don't. Don't do that." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "OK, OK. I have something that totally tops the box." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, tell me, tell me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "OK. I have just convinced Dwight that he needs to go to Stamford and... [Pam starts laughing]... spy on our other branch. No no no." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "But before he does so, I told him that he should dye his hair to go undercover." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[laughing] That's perfect!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "If we can get him to drive to Connecticut... and put peroxide in his hair..." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "[yelling] What the hell is this? What are you trying to cop a feel or something? Huh Halpert?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, no, dude, no." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, Hey!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, dude, no, I was just, listen! Whoa." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Come on." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "God, I don't even, I don't even know how to explain this. Uh, um... Dwight, uh, asked me to be in an alliance. And then um... um... we were... we've just been messing with him. Uh, because of the whole alliance thing. Um..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's just office pranks." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It's stupid. It's, it's just office pranks." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "[looking at Dwight] An alliance? What the hell is he talking about?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I have absolutely no idea." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Come on." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Do I feel bad about betraying Jim? Not at all. That's the game. Convince him we're in an alliance, get some information, throw him to the wolves." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[With blonde hair] That's politics baby. Get what you can out of someone, then crush them. I think Jim might have learned a very valuable lesson." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Good, excellent, and file sharing off and done. Security software, 128-bit encryption, firewalls. Get up, I'll install it on your computer." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No thanks." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Pssh, stupid. Identity theft happens all the time. I can become you like that. [snaps fingers] But no one can become me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No one wants to be you, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Not true. And if they did, they couldn't because I'm password protected." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Is your password Frodo?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No. [typing on keyboard]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Did you just change it to Gollum?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No. [typing on keyboard]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[telephone rings] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Hold please." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All righty then, well I see you're going for the whole bored supermodel thing. \"Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. May I help you?\" [takes a drag from an imaginary cigarette] Smoke, smoke, smoke, smoke." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I wasn't really going for anything." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no. I get it, I get it, I get it. A child is born, \"Oh, oh-hum.\" A beautiful sunset, \"No, I'll catch the next one.\" Right? Unicorn walks into the office, \"Oh, do you have an appointment?\" [laughs] Okay, look Pam this is not meant as a criticism, but let me tell you what you're doing wrong. You are the voice of this company, right? And when clients call and you're not smiling they can hear that in your voice. It is a real turnoff." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Are you being serious?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, I am, absolutely. So, the next call we get I'd like you to smile. I'd like to see a big smile." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. [waits for call]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No one's calling." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know, somebody will. And we'll wait." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Sometimes there's a lot of time between the calls." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know, I know, we will wait." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We will wait for the call and you will smile. Let me try something, just while we're waiting." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Tell me if I'm smiling or not. [covers face with hands] Hi Pam, how are you? Was I smiling?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, let me try this one. [covers face with hands] Hi Pam, how are you?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I mean you can tell." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, I could tell." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I wasn't smiling that time and they can tell too." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That was a good example." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you. All right, when we get a call I'll come back and you'll do the smile." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay. [telephone rings]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Show time! It's show time!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[smiling] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. One moment I'll transfer you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[throwing away a banana, mayonnaise, and a sandwich from the refrigerator, smells the mayonnaise] God. [drinks from the milk carton and puts it back] Mmm." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[looks in the refrigerator] Hey Dwight, my tuna sandwich isn't in the refrigerator. You wouldn't know anything about that would you?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It was rotting." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It was not rotting." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Any employee may dispose a food item..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Stop. Dwight, stop." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "...that risks contaminating the other food item. Read the official kitchen regulations memo." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dwight, you wrote that memo. Okay, it's not an official memo." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Uh, uh, not my problem. Okay, this is a paper factory not a bacteria factory." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dwight, it's not a factory at all. Do you have to do what you are doing? [Dwight is tapping each of the bobble heads on his desk and making them bobble]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Uh, if they don't bobble, what's the point?" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "What is this?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "My nephew does it every year. Anything you could give would be fantastic." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Okay, but I don't want to be put on a mailing list." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "We need to assume that everyone in the office is forming an alliance and is therefore trying to get us kicked off." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "God... Damn it! Why us?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Because we're strong, Dwight. Because we're strong. God, it's freezing, I gotta go in. You stay though for like five minutes." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[talking over Jim] Okay." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You don't want to arouse suspicion." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'll stay for ten." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Good. I like it. You know what. Pretend to smoke. [Dwight pretends to smoke]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do a poem for Meredith's birthday or uh, limerick. Limerick. Um, [knock on door] there was a girl from Dunder Mifflin. Come on in. Who had a big, smifflin." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Hi, do you mind if I sign the card real quick?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, not at all come on in. [Toby signing the birthday card] No, no. You can't. No, red hair is my area. We have it on tape, so..." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "It's just a birthday card." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I was going to put that in my message, Toby. All right? So just cross it off. Cross it off, now. [Toby writes on birthday card] What are you doing? Oh come on, you're ruining it. Toby, come on. Just, look at that. That's wrecked. Ass. Get some white out." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "There's some right there." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's my white out. Get your own white out. Just... what's the matter with you? God. [Toby leaves] Okay, um, there was a girl from Dunder Mifflin. Who had a big, puttifflin. [thinking out loud] Mifflin, spifflin." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh, by the way. Have you heard Dwight say the word immunity, yet? Because if I can get Dwight to say the word immunity, it might be the greatest day of my life." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You wanted to see me?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh, yeah. What do you know about Meredith?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I don't think she'd be missed." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "There's not going to be downsizing Dwight, OK? I just, I need to know a little bit more about my friend." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Name, Meredith Palmer. Uh, personal information, divorced twice, two kids. Uh, Employer, Dunder Mifflin Paper Incorporated. Awards, multiple Dundies." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know all that. I know all that. I just, I need something kind of embarrassing, you know. Kind of fun, inside." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "She had a hysterectomy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Which one is that again?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's where they remove the uterus." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh God! Dwight, no. I'm trying to write something funny here, okay. What am I going to do with a removed uterus?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It could be kind of funny." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[sighs] Come up with a joke that I can use, okay?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Mmm-hmm." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Help me out here." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay. Hey Meredith, where's your uterus?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, not a uterus joke Dwight. Please. Something useable. A joke." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "If I find a joke for you, will you grant me immunity? [cut to Jim holding his hands up like a champion]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "From the downsizing." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "There's not going to be downsizing, Dwight. You know what, I am on a deadline here and just, okay. Thanks. Thanks for your help. I'm... I'll work it out. Thank you Dwight. [Dwight leaves] Thanks for coming in, that's always... Always helpful when I give him a call. Call him in." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Meredith. Oh, oh man, ah gosh. I can't remember why I came over here. Ha, ha." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I hate that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know. Ugh, that is so annoying. [makes fart noise] Brain fart. By the way, do you remember any funny interactions we may have had recently that I've forgotten about? Just, you know we bumped into each and you said, \"Brr, brr.\" And I went, \"Argh, Argh.\" You know? Anything? [shakes her head 'no'] Well, if you think of something, let me know. 'Cause I like to know. 'Cause I'm going crazy." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oscar, uh for future reference just think you should know, that you should probably make it clear that your nephew is doing the walkathon and that he doesn't actually have cerebral palsy. Okay." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I never suggested..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no. I know you didn't intend to, but I just I got the idea and I, uh, I just don't it has a lot of ethical merit to make people think something. You know? And then prey on their emotions." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Michael, if I gave you..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, hey it's just kinda uncool, okay? I, just... Play fair, you know, play fair." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "\"Meredith, let's hope the only downsizing that happens to you is that someone downsizes your age.\"" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Because of the downsizing. Rumors. And because you're gettin' old." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "No, I...I get it. It's funny." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[laughs] You didn't get the joke. So, that's cool. That's, you know what? Actually... I have a bunch of these, good ones, that I didn't use. Um... Oh, where's that? Oh, Okay, here's a good one. Um...\"Hey Meredith, Liz Taylor called, she wants her age back and her divorces back.\" 'Cause Meredith's been divorced like, twice. Is that right?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "You're right. You're right. Yes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Divorce. Um... Okay, \"Meredith is so old...\"" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "How old is she?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "If everybody... could do it? \"Meredith is so old...\"" }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "How old is she?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "\"She's so old, she went into an antique store and they kept her.\"" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[clears throat] What's the difference between Meredith and Michael Jackson? Michael Jackson's surgery was unnecessary." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "You're talking about my hysterectomy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes! Thank you. God. She gets it. [laughs] We just picked the best one right? Just had it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[whispering] I'm so sorry. [Angela, Phyllis, and Pam all whispering] ... seriously, we're just..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um, no, no. Come on. No. Don't comfort... don't comfort her, that's not... She doesn't need comforting. We're just joking around. I think she's... No that's very unprofessional. I think she's being very unprofessional over there." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm only going to ask you this once. Are you part of an alliance?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well played." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[to Jim]: Hey, you ready?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right, all right, secret sign. Hey, Ryan. [Ryan holds up his bag] Very good. Excellent, excellent." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Today at lunchtime we're going to be playing the warehouse staff at a friendly little game of basketball. My idea. Last time I was down there, I noticed they'd put up a couple of hoops, and I play basketball every weekend. So I thought, \"This might be kinda fun.\" And so I started messing around and... I'm sinking a few, you know. Swish, swish, swish. Nothing but net. And their jaws just dropped to the floor. African-Americans! So... you know, it's really just a good friendly game, a reason to get together." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam, Pam, thank you ma'am. Messages, please. Thank you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael, can I talk to you, please? Privately? In your office? I think I should be on the team." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. And that's not me being mean, Dwight. That is based on your past behavior." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, please." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[to camera] When I let him come to my pick-up game..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I apologized for that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[to Dwight] I vouched for you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael, I..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I vouched for you in front of Todd Packer, Dwight. All right, here's what I'm going to do. The hand strikes and gives a flower. You are not going to play basketball. But I need somebody to come in and take over the holiday and weekend work calendar." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I can handle that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good. Excellent, it'll be fun. Because corporate, uh, wants someone to be here on Saturday. And so we're going to have to have some people come in on the weekend, and I know nobody's gonna want to do it and I know everybody's gonna complain and bitch and I don't want to have to deal with that." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And that's why you have an assistant regional manager." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes it is. Assistant to the regional manager." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[to camera] Same thing." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, it's not. It's lower, so..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's close." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So we need someone to work this Saturday and I think that, that should be...Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "God, this is so sad. This is the smallest amount of power I've ever seen go to someone's head. Phyllis, can you believe this?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Keep me out of it." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "My fiance has plans for us this Saturday. So I really hope that Dwight doesn't make me work. Maybe I should sleep with him? I'm kidding, kidding. Totally kidding." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right, managing by walking around. This is our warehouse. Or, as I like to call it, the whorehouse. But don't you call it that, I've earned the right." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Fine, don't worry about that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And here we have \"Mister Roger's Neighborhood.\" Come on over here. Hey, this is Ryan. He's temping upstairs." }, { "character": "Lonny", "line": "What's up?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And this is the foreman. Mista Ra-jahs." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "It's not my real name." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, it's Darryl. Darryl is Mista Ra-jahs." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Darryl Rogers?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Darryl Philbin. Then Regis, then Rege, then Roger, then Mister Rogers." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[laughs] And that is Lonny. And this is Roy. Roy dates Pam. You know, the uh, the best looking one upstairs." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah, yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You still getting it regular man? Huh? I mean, I can tell her it's part of the job! Rapport!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[on the phone] No, no, I know that the warranty's expired, but isn't it supposed to last longer than two years if it isn't defective? OK, fine, three years." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Pam gets a little down. Her toaster oven broke. Um, which she got at her engagement shower. Um, for a wedding that still has yet to be set... and that was three years ago." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "So, um, one o'clock sharp and we've got a game on." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "We're loading at one." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, I see, you're chickening out on me. You're bailing on me." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "No, we got a truck going out at 1:15. So, that's the busy time." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, well, I'm glad that some time is a busy time because whenever I'm down here it doesn't seem too busy to me. Oh, oh. You can dish it out, but you can't take it. OK, fine, have it your way. [clucking and dancing like a chicken]" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "All right, fine, you know what? One o'clock." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right, see you at one." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Are we ready for the game?" }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "[half-heartedly] Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I... yeah, yeah. I know, grumble, grumble. But you would follow me to the ends of the earth, grumbling all the way. Like that, uh, dwarf from Lord of the Rings." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Gimli." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nerd. That is why you're not on the team." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Just trying to be helpful." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh, [in a nerdy voice] \"I'll help, Elwyn Dragonslayer, uh, ten points, power sword.\"" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's him." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK, so, let's put together a starting line-up, shall we? Stanley of course." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I'm sorry?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um, what do you play? Center?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Why \"of course\"?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh..." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "What's that supposed to mean?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh, I don't know. I don't remember saying that." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh, I heard it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, people hear a lot of things, man. Um... other starters... Me, of course. I heard it that time." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I'd like to play if it's just for fun. I played basketball in school." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[ignores Phyllis)] Um... Yeah. Who else? We have Jim. We have Ryan, the new guy, right? Untested. Willing to prove himself now. A lot of passion, a lot of heart." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "But, I'm getting paid to skip lunch?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "OK." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, this is business. The, uh, business of team building and morale boosting. Uh, who else?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I can help out, if you need me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I will use your talents come baseball season, my friend. Or if we box." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I have a hoop in my driveway." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I have a sports bra." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, ridiculous." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael, look. [Dwight throws paper at the garbage can]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Close. All right, uh... Me, Stan the man, Jim, Ryan and Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sorry Phyllis." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Can I be team captain?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I'm team captain." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Can I be team manager?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I am the team manager. You can be assistant to the team manager." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Assistant team manager?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "OK, we'll see who's working this weekend then." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jim, you're in charge of the vacation schedule now." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh my God." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Threat neutralized." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[hits Pam in the head with a piece of paper] Off the backboard!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Please don't throw garbage at me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, Pam with a zinger. Hey, Pam, how would you, like to be our cheerleader today? You know, some, ah, pigtails? A little, ah, halter top, you could tie that up. And you know, something a little, just, youthful, for a change. Just this once?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't think so Michael. Besides, I can't cheer against my fiance." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'll do it. Wear a little flouncey skirt if you want, and..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, I bet you would. Just try not to be too gay on the court. And by gay I mean, um, you know, not in a homosexual way at all. I mean the uh, you know, like the bad-at-sports way. I think that goes without saying." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Maybe Angela would cheerlead." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, yeah right." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I'll do it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, yuck, that's worse than you playing. ... 'Cause we need you as an alternate in case somebody gets hurt. That's where we need you. Blessed be those who sit and wait. You made it, suit up, you're on the team! All right, cool! Very good." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh-oh. Oh-oh. A spy from the warehouse. Trying to figure out our plays, huh, man?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Just getting a tea bag." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh ho, oh, he's running. He's running. He's running, but he can't hide because you know what? One o'clock, you better bring your 'A' game. Because me, and my, posse guys are gonna be in your face. Right in your face!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Why don't we make it more interesting? Loser buys dinner at Farley's." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Whoa-ho. I like the way you think. You know what, I'm gonna take that one step further. Loser, works, on Saturday." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "No, that's not as much fun. You know what?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You're on." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK. Cool, you're on. [to Dwight] Don't screw this up." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[to camera] Classic beginner's mistake, eating before a game." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Has anyone seen the first-aid kit? [Dwight holds the kit up] How many times have I told you? I'm the safety officer, not you." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Basketball? It was kind of my thing in high school. And I'm, yeah, I'm looking forward to playing. You know, I think I'm gonna impress a few people in here." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "You coming down?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, I'm just forwarding the phones." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You gonna wish me luck?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, you're gonna need it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Whoa." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Is that trash talk from Pam?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[laughing] I'm just saying, Roy is very competitive." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "And he wants to take the WaveRunners to the lake this Saturday so..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, I'm going to the outlet mall on Saturday, so if you wanna save big on brand names and Roy has to work, which he will, because I'm also competitive, you should feel free to come along." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Um, I think I'm gonna be up at the lake." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I think I'll see you at the mall. Yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, there he is! Secret weapon! All right, guys, come on, let's bring it in! Here we go! OK, listen, this is just going to be a friendly game, right? We are all on the same team here, the Dunder Mifflin team. Of course, if you beat us, you're fired. That's a joke. OK, let's do it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Have a good game man." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Yeah, you too. Should be fun." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right, everybody stretch out a little bit. Stretch it. Full stretch. Ryan, you wanna stretch?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I stretched before I came." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK, Ryan, you have Darryl. I have Roy." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Really? I thought I'd take Roy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Actually, I think Roy is their best player not Lonny. So, Dwight, you uh, have the East German gal. Uh, who else we got... Um...OK, all right, you guys." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[taking off his shirt] OK, we'll be skins!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Aw, come on Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What? Shirts on or off?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "On. Just put it on." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You sure?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes. Uh, Pam? You kind of have your foot in both camps, why don't you do the uh, jump ball OK?" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Don't listen to him Pam. Trust me, tip it my way or you're sleeping in the car." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Stanley! What? You gotta be kidding me! !?! [Roy steals the ball, and goes for a lay up] Oh... Here we go! [Lonny shoots and makes it] Who's on him? Somebody get him!" }, { "character": "Teammates", "line": "Yeah!" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "That's what I'm talking about." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Over here, over here. [Jim saves the ball from going out of bounds and passes to Michael] Here we go. Three! [Shoots and misses] Let's go to the zone! We're going to zone!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "De-fense! [clap, clap] [Michael joins in] De-fense! [clap clap]" }, { "character": "Michael & Dwight", "line": "De-fense! De-fense!" }, { "character": "Warehouse worker", "line": "[Roy scores] Well done team." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Who's got Roy? [Jim does a behind the back move around Roy for the basket]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Woo!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[misses a half court shot] Aw, come on! What is wrong with me today!? Usually hit those. [Dwight scores] Dwight, I was open. All right, let's go." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Roy bumps Michael to get around him] OK, foul. Charging. Charging. That's a foul." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "OK." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK, I'll take it. [misses free throw] OK." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "When I am playing hoops all of the stress and responsibility of my job here just melts away. It's gone, I'm in the zone." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[misses another shot] What is wrong with me today?!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Who am I? Am I Michael Scott? I don't know... I might just be a basketball machine. What's Dunder Mifflin? I've never heard of it. Filing? Paperwork? Who cares? Possible downsizing? Um... well, that's probably gonna happen, actually." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jim! Jim! Jim, right here, Jim! Give me the ball! Ryan, cut! [Michael looks away and misses Jim's pass] Whoa!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "My bad." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[scores] Here we go. Here we go. Here we go." }, { "character": "Lonny", "line": "[dancing] Where you at? Where you at? You over there? I'm over there." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That is cool. Is that like the Robot?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Ryan scores] Nice! Come here! [gives Ryan a chest bump]" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Can we just do one? That's cool, that's fine." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You have one more free throw shoot. Come on." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "All right, let's go." } ], [ { "character": "Warehouse worker", "line": "Watch your back Madge." }, { "character": "Madge", "line": "Hey! Come on man!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Come on! Hey, Dwight. Dwight!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[scores] Yeah! [points to Madge] In your face!" }, { "character": "Madge", "line": "Yeah, like that counts." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what? Dwight, Dwight..." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Football is like rock and roll, it's just bam-bam-boo... And basketball is like jazz, you know? You're kind of... Dupee-doo, dupee-do. It's all downbeat, it's in the pocket, it's like... [singing] Dupee-do, dupee-do, dapee-dah..." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[singing] Du-du-du-du-dupee-do, de-do-do-do. Du-du-du-du-dupee-do, de-do-do-do. Harlem Globetrotter..." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "[steals the ball, scores, mimics singing] Du-du-du-du-dupee-do. Your ball." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right, time, time out. Come on, sales, over here. Bring it in! Come on!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What's going on? What's going on? You're playing like a bunch of girls." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know what? Let me take Roy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right, switch. Take it up a notch, come on." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Shoot, shoot it. [Roy hits Jim in the mouth with his elbow] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Foul! Naked aggression! Oh, that is... You all right Jim? Suck it up." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Block, block, block!" }, { "character": "Madge", "line": "He's afraid of you now." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Jim makes a shot after pushing off Roy] Ouch! Oh, how much does it hurt? How much does it hurt?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Jim pushes Roy to the ground and makes another shot] Yes!" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "What the hell man?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Take it easy." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "No, you take it easy." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Darryl scores] Watch the long passes, you guys!" } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[Dwight steals the ball from Ryan] Same team, Dwight." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[scores] Yes!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Phyllis scores] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! In, your, face! Angela, what's the score?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "You're ahead." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, baby, here we go!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Jim has the ball] Jim! Jim! Right here! [runs into the elbow of the guy guarding him] Ow! God! Hold it!" }, { "character": "Worker", "line": "I'm sorry." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Foul! Foul!" }, { "character": "Worker", "line": "I'm sorry. You all right?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, that hurts." }, { "character": "Worker", "line": "Sorry, I didn't mean to do that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What's your problem man? Gah, just clocking me for no reason?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Take your shot man!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, no, no. That was a flagrant, personal, intentional foul. Right there." }, { "character": "Worker", "line": "No it wasn't." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[mocking voice] Yes, it was. You know what, I'm just being fair." }, { "character": "Worker", "line": "Oh, really? No, I just put my arm up..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Game over. Game over. That is it! I'm sorry, you know? I hate to do it this way but, you know, that's just... we're having a friendly game. It's a shame. This is a damn shame, but we're like a family here and that just, that won't fly." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "This is a cold pack..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Here, give me that. You have to break the interior bag. [bag explodes]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thanks Dwight." }, { "character": "Lonny", "line": "Wait, what does that mean? What is it, a tie? What's going on?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, let's just say whoever was ahead won." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "That was you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It was us? Really? I didn't, I didn't know. Great, I mean, I guess you guys are working Saturday. Your face." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "No, no, no, I'm not coming in on Saturday." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yeah, this isn't happening." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um... well, you guys, you know, I'm the boss so..." }, { "character": "Lonny", "line": "So what's that? We're coming in on Monday, right?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, hey..." }, { "character": "Lonny", "line": "Monday?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[laughing] You guys believed me? Come on. Dogs, you know, you should know me better than that. No, oh, do you think that would've been good for morale? No. No. No. Exactly, no. I'm embarrassed it was even that close though. So... nah, of course, we're coming in Saturday. Good game. Word." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[to Pam] ...so I talked to the scout, it looks good." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Mmm-hmm." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I didn't sign anything." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Hey baby." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "[to Jim] Look at Larry Bird. Larry Legend." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, he's, uh, pretty good, huh? [to Roy] Let's get you into a tub." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Yeah? Let's get you into a tub." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, what a game, huh? What a game." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What time do we have to come in?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Come on. Let's not be gloomy here man. We're all in this together. We're a team. You know what? Screw corporate, nobody's coming in tomorrow. You have the day off. Like coming in an extra day is gonna prevent us from being downsized. Have a good weekend." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "The great thing about sports is that it is all about character. And you can learn lessons about life even if you don't win. But we did because we were ahead." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[slams palms on desk] Pam, Pam, thank you ma'am. Messages, please. Thank you." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "New pants?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh, yes. Thank you for noticing." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Abercrombie & Fitch?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh, they look that good? Wow. [Mike Myers voice] Oh, Pam please behave. Mike Myers, genius. Um, no actually I got them at a fancier place. Target." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael, could I talk to you for a second, please?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "In your office? [in Michael's office] You know that is why you have an assistant regional manager." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, yes. Assistant to the regional manager." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[to camera] Same thing." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, it's not. It's lower." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's close." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What was that?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That look?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What look?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Like trying to find the camera, to give the camera a look. Okay, we're done. Is that your stomach? I keep hearing somebody's stomach. [whispers] God." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "So, you uh, see the Sixers game last night?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[howls like a wolf] Oww whoo whoo! The Answer was on fire!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Iverson. Yeah, always man. It's very important." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, man! Man I tell ya. Iverson has maybe got me beat by like 20 pounds, 3 inches. [makes 'pop' noise with his mouth]" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "What? Iverson's not fat." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, neither am I. We both look good." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do I have a nickname on the court, um? Well, The Answer would be nice, but it's taken. So, uh, probably The Question. The Answer dishes to The Question. The Question back to The Answer. Answer over to The Question. The Answer, whew, [makes shooting motion] three points. The Question, whew, whew, [makes shooting motion] six points. Nothing but net. Question, who's the best player in the league? Answer, The Question. Or the Drunkmeister." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I can't work Saturday." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Please, have a seat. [Kevin sits down] Okay, why not?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I'm in a band." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Marching or garage?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "It's a Steve Miller Tribute Band." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I tell you what. You give me a tape of your band and a tape of the Steve Miller Band and I'll get back to you. That is all." } ], [ { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "[on the phone] Mello." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Packer. Pac-man." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Whoa. Hey." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pac-man [imitating the noises of the video game Pac-man eating dots]" }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "[on the phone] Is this Michael Scott? My secret lover. My intercom, I told you never to call me here. Never! [Michael's laughing]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm not your lover! I'm am not Michael Scott, I am Dr. Bergerstein. Your proctologist." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "[on the phone] Bergerstein!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ah, yes. Ah. [laughs]" }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "[on the phone] Bergerstein!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's not a Jewish joke, so don't worry." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "[on the phone] I want my money back you greedy Hebrew. Bergerstein!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[clears throat] No, hey, hey , hey. You know what I just wanted to remind you about the game today. One 'o clock. Big game, big game." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "[sounds sick on the phone] I can't make it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mmm. No, you said you could man. We're counting on ya. You know you're playing point guard." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "[on the phone] I... I'm not coming." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. Hey... I mean, although it's just for fun, you know we want... I was counting on you man." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "[on the phone] Oh, God! Stop whining. You know, you only come to the pick up game once a year. You little bitch. [Michael picks up phone, takes it off speakerphone] All right, yup. Hey, okay. No problem, you know, best you can do. Hey, you know. Hey, nice talking to you too. All right take care. [sighs] Michael Scoot. That's funny. He's a good friend." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[eating Tootsie Rolls from Angela's candy on her desk] Mmm. Good. Mmm." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "They're one per person. [points to sign \"Please take one!!]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Would you like to have a vacation this year? That's what I thought. [continues eating Tootsie Rolls] Mmm, delicious." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, I though we were saving money for the wedding, but apparently Roy thought it was more important to buy two WaveRunners. I don't really ever get to use the other WaveRunner that's supposed to be mine because his brother uses it and they race." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jim, you're the new schedule guy, huh?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm trying, yup." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, I hear that. You know what? This little baby might come in handy." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Great, thanks." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "On one condition. You..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Forget it. It's just a dry erase board." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, no it's not. Okay, check it out." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, that's insanely complicated and the first thing I'm going to do is erase it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, you're not because I spent hours on it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, then keep it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, I will. Okay, fine. You'll be back." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[misses a free throw badly] I... I think you can play. Like you could when you were a kid. I think you can never give up the play. Because if people stop playing, then they stop living. It's like a shark. If a shark stops playing he stops living. And sharks are very playful creatures." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "[Dwight holds the first aid kit up] I'm the safety officer, not you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Isn't that crazy? I'm a Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy. Lackawanna County says that it's okay for me to perform CPR, but for Michael my lips aren't qualified enough for his perfect little face. It's nuts." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Is that really necessary?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[wearing a face guard] I've almost had my nose broken a dozen times." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what. I think most basketball movies are great movies. Because it's a great subject. There's one about a little kid who, um, joins a professional basketball team and he's really, really good and he can dunk and he's like 3 feet tall. And he can dunk the ball. That, oh, I love that movie. That movie kind of, that movie makes me cry. I don't like to cry on camera, but that movie makes me cry. Um, because it touches a cord in me about hoops. [Michael's free throw is really short] Short, short, short! And basketball is like jazz, you know. To like pertipify it there's a jazz musician, a guy, you know... if you know jazz you know who I mean. He's uh, God what was his name? Um, he plays one of those curly horns, like those really shiny curly horns that's used in jazz a lot." } ], [ { "character": "Warehouse Worker", "line": "[back to the basketball game] Let's go Lonny." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Michael steals the ball] Yeah, Michael. Go Michael. [makes shot]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Birdie. He's not the guy with the cheeks. Kenny G. Is... if you knew jazz, you'd know who I mean. Kenny G. God. Glad I remembered that. Jazz people know who he is." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[back to the basketball game] Dwight, pass it to Jim! Pass it to Ryan!" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Oh, my ankle!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Stanley, gotta play hurt." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Oh, actually no I don't Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I just want you know, you've been a big disappointment to me today, okay." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[in pain] Oh. Go away." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm in. I'm in. Here we go. [Lonny gets around Michael to score and he ends up in front of Phyllis] Zone, Phyllis! We're playing zone!" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[makes seven straight shots from the free throw line]" } ], [ { "character": "Everyone", "line": "[Michael hits a half court shot] Ah! [clapping]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes! Yes! All right. We got game!" } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "Are you listening to me Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Affirmative." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "What did I just say?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You just said, let me uh... check my notes. You just said..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Alan and I have created an incentive program to increase sales." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, hey how is Alan? Tell Alan that the Mets suck! Okay? From me, big time. Go Pirates!" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I'm not going to do that Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "We've created an incentive program to increase sales." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh, huh." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "At the end of the month you can reward your top seller with a prize worth up to a thousand dollars." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Whoa. Howdy-ho. Wow, a thousand big ones. That's cool. Do I uh, do I get to pick the prize?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Uh, yes. Yes you can." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um, question: Does top salesman include uh, people who were at one time such outstanding salesman that've been promoted to..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "No, Michael. No. You can't win this prize." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I didn't mean me!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, first what we have to do is find out what motivates people more than anything else." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Sex." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's illegal. Can't do that. Next best thing." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Torture." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Tah, come on Dwight. Just help me out here. That's just stupid." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Uh, Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, there's a..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Burger with cheese!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "There's a person here..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And fries!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "There's..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And shake! What? Go ahead." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "There's a person here who wants to sell handbags." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, no. No vendors in the office. That is a distraction." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay, I told her you'd talk to her." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam. Pam. Come on, I'm busy. So just tell her to go away." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[exhales loudly, looks out window and sees Katy] Oooh, alright I'll talk to her." } ], [ { "character": "Katy", "line": "This one is hand embroidered." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right girls break it up, you're being infiltrated. Cock in the henhouse." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Cocks in the henhouse." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Don't say cocks. Oh, what is your name, my fair lass?" }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "Katy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ah, Katy. Wow. Look at you. You are, uh you're like the new and improved Pam. Pam 6.0." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, look. Oh hey, no catfights you two. I'm against violence in the workplace." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So am I." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nobody cares what you think." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Doesn't matter." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So uh, you know what? I usually don't allow solicitors in the office but today I am going to break some rules, and you can have the conference room. It's yours. All day." }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "Wow, thanks." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "There's an HR meeting in there at 11:30." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, lets put 'em in the hallway. Give 'em some chairs. Right? Decisiveness. One of the keys to success according to Small Businessman." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I do. I read Small Businessman. I also uh, subscribe to USA Today and American Way Magazine, that's the in-flight magazine. Some great articles in that. They did this great profile last month of Doris Roberts and where she likes to eat when she's in Phoenix. Illuminating." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "This is my conference room. So please, uh, make yourself at home. Whatever you need, I'm right on the other side of this wall. [knocks on wall] used to be a window here. There's not anymore. So, that's where I will be." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So if you need anything else, something to make you more confortable just don't hesitate to ask. I'm right here." }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "I guess a cup of coffee would be great." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wait a second. I should have spotted another addict. Uh, gotta love the 'bucks." }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's like a slang for Starbucks. They're all over the place. Oh, man, that place is like the promised land to me. What a business model too. Ah, too bad we don't have the good stuff here." }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "Regular coffee is fine." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nah, it's not. it's spppplllibbb" }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "No really it is." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, here's the thing. Y'know I do my best to be my own man and go by the beat of a different drummer and nobody gets me, and they're always putting up walls and I'm always tearing 'em down, just breakin' down barriers, that's what I do all day. So a coffee, regular coffee for you. High test, or unleaded?" }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "Bring it on." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh. Woo, I will. I will bring it on. Ah, all right." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "So are you jealous 'cause there's another girl around?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "She's prettier than you though." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That's a very rude thing to say, Kevin." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[nods]" } ], [ { "character": "Katy", "line": "So do you like the periwinkle and the purples?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The purse girl hits everything on my checklist. Creamy skin. Straight teeth. Curly hair. Amazing breasts. Not for me, for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[handing Katy a mug of coffee] There ya go. Nice steaming cup o'joe." }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I have an idea. Why don't I introduce you around, you know you can kind of get your foot in the door, meet potential clientele, right?" }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "Gosh, I would love to but, my purses, I should, um..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, um, well, we could have Ryan take a look. Ryan, would you look after the purses, please?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I'm installing File Share on all the computers." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, well, bladdy-bluda-blah-blah. Techno-babble. Just do it, okay. We have company. Right?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "You should sell a lot here because this branch made over a million dollars last year. Not that we're all millionaires. I'm probably closest. So here's Oscar. Oscar, this is Katy." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I'm on the phone." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oooh-ooh. Oscar the grouch. Right? I thought of that." }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "That was on Sesame Street." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know. I know. I made the connection. Can you believe he'd never heard that before he worked here?" }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "No, I don't believe that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know, it's unbelievable." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's nice having Katy around. It's another person for Michael to um, interact with." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Here is Toby from Human Resources. Katy, Toby." }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "Hi" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Hi, nice to meet you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Toby, Katy." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Hey, um did you go to uh, Bishop O'Hara?" }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Yeah, me too." }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "Cool. What year were you there?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Eighty-nine." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Toby's divorced. He uh, guh recently, right?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You and your wife, and you have kids." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "A girl." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh that so - that was really messy. He slept one night in your car too?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "[looks resigned]" }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "I should probably get back to my table." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. Alright. Cool. See ya in a bit. [looks at picture on Toby's desk] Oh, she's cute. Cutie-pie. Back to work." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I live by one rule. No office romances. No way. Very messy. Inappropriate. No. But, I live by another rule: Just do it. Nike." } ], [ { "character": "Roy", "line": "Hey, Jimmy what do you think of that little purse girl, huh?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Cute, sure, yeah." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Why don't you get on that?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "She's not really my type." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "What are you gay?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hmmm, I don't think so. Nope." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "What is your type?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[glances at Pam] Moms, primarily. Yep. Soccer moms. Single moms. NASCAR moms. Any type of moms, really." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "That's disgusting." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Stay away from my mom." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Too late, Kev." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "[Katy walks through breakroom] Man, I would be all over that if I wasn't dating Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We're not dating, we're engaged." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Engaged, yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Pam and I are good buddies. I'm sort of Pam's go-to guy for her problems. You know with stuff like work, or uh, her fiance Roy. Or uh... Nope, those are pretty much her only two problems." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "She'd be perfect for you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hmmm... she's been talking to Michael a lot." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "So, what? You're Assistant Regional Manager." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Assistant to the Regional Manager." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, you know what Dwight? He's your work boss, okay? He is not your relationship boss." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's true." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Plus you have so much more to talk to this girl about, You're both um, salesmen. I mean that's something right there." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "True. Plus I can talk to her about the origins of my last name." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It's all gold." } ], [ { "character": "Katy", "line": "Guys are usually my best customers, they buy the high end stuff like the beads and the sequins and stuff. For gifts, you know? They don't know what they are looking at. So I make suggestions." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright. Here's the thing okay, you just keep talking to her. If you hit a stall you have a perfect fall back." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What's that?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You buy a purse." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I don't want a purse. Purses are for girls." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dwight, that's not necessarily true. Do you read GQ?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, I do. There like mini briefcases, alright? Lots of guys have them." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Like those?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes. Listen, you are spending way too much time talking to me, when you could be talking to her." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, I'm just going to use the bathroom, and then I'm going..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No. You don't need the bathroom. You've got it. Go." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, shhhh stop... stop whatever you're doing because this is going to be good." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[smiles]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[mimicing Dwight in high-falsetto voice] Hi my name's Dwight Schrute and I would like to buy a purse from you. Good lord, look at these purses! This is something special. Oh my God is this Salvatore Di-chini-asta?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[mimicing Katy] Oh definitely, definitely step in and out of it like that." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes, well I want to stress test it. You know, in case anything happens." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh! That was really. [Dwight hits purse against table] This is necessary to do to really give it a good workout. This is the ooooh... This is the prettiest one of all." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm going to be the prettiest girl in the ball. Oh, how much?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, God. It's sad. It's so sad." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[whispering] Here he comes, shhh..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[gives Dwight a thumbs-up - mouths the word] Good." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[smiles in agreement]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "He did pick a good one." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You're horrible." } ], [ { "character": "Katy", "line": "This one's really good for a hot date." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, what's that?" }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "[laughs]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm engaged. So..." }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "Congratulations. You need a hot date more than anyone." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I wished, right?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Giggle-giggle, juji-juji, I get it, I get it. Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood over here right? [to Katy] So how's that uh, coffee from earlier?" }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "Good." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ah, I knew it. Guzzled it down. You greedy little thing. So, uh, Pam is this your lunch break, or was that earlier when you were eating in the kitchen with those guys?" }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "[whispers] Sorry." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Busted." }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "[to Pam] Come back..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh hey, I want to show you something. Come here I want to show you something. I know you are going to like this. Picked it up today. A thousand big ones." }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "Is that from Starbucks?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes. This is a Starbucks digital barista. This is the mack daddy of espresso makers." }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "Wow. Is that for the office?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, I know what you're thinking. You're not prying this out of my hands, but don't tempt me because I'll give it to you!" }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "I wouldn't think of it." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Coffee is the great incentivizer in the office. It's a drug. It is quite literally a drug that speeds people up. It's not the only drug that speeds people up. You hear stories about Dunder Mifflin in the eighties before everybody knew how bad cocaine was. Guh. Man, did they move paper!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Katy reading text message on her phone] Oh the rotating um, steam wand. [Katy looks annoyed] What? What's the matter?" }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "Oh, nothing. My ride just bailed on me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, oh! God. I'm sorry. Is there...?" }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "Oh no, it's um..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Where you going? Nearby? Because I can give you a ride." }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "No..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Seriously. No, really." }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "No. I really don't want to inconvenience you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "God! No, no, no, no. No inconvenience. I mean I'm out of here at five sharp." }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "At five?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I can go earlier. 'Cause I'm the boss. You know, whatever. I'm out of here slaves." }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "Okay, I guess that would be, I guess that would be okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. Sounds good. Sounds good. Five o'clock sharp. I will give you and your purses a ride home." }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "Okay. Cool." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Excellent." }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "Cool." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Great. Cool. Cool. [takes deep breath - looks at camera] Yeah, okay." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I should have never let the Temp touch this thing. I had all these great icons and now I have four folders. So.." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's actually better this way." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No it's not. Because I could just click on the icon and then I'm onto---" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael could I ask you something? I wanted to ask your permission to ask out Katy. I know it's against the rules and everything. Because..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, no it's not against the rules. She's not a permanent employee so it's not." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thank you, Michael. I appreciate this so much." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "But I think you should just know that I am going to be giving her a ride home later." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "She asked me for a ride and so I am going to give her a ride home." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Is that all it is? Just a ride home? Like a taxicab?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, might be a ride home. Might be a ride home and we stop for coffee and dot-dot-dot..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Please. Please, I am your inferior and I'm asking you this favor. Can you promise me that it will just be a ride home?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. I cannot promise you that." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You cannot promise me, or you won't promise me?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Listen, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Do you love her?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[laughs] Dwight, no. I don't know. It's too early to tell. I don't know how I feel. [Dwight sadly looks away]" } ], [ { "character": "Katy", "line": "I think you've made a really good choice, she's really going to like that." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Hmmm..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Espresso?" }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "Oh, thank you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're welcome. Thank you. Hmmm-hmm-hmm." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Is that from the machine that was in your office?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ummm-hmmm..." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I thought that was the incentive prize for the top salesperson." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Very easy to clean." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. Like he's going to win anyway, right? [laughs]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Did we get any mail?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, I gave it to you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes you did. Yes, you did. Just checkin'. Just checkin', double checkin', checkin' on the check. Thoroughness is very important in an office and..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "So, can I..? [points to the door]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, yeah, of course. Uh, Pam, one more thing. Um, how do girls your age feel about futons?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "A futon?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[nods]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "He's a grown man" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That's what he said." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's sad. Or it's innovative. Well, you know the futon is a bed and couch all rolled into one. [Jim sees Roy and trails off]" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "What's up?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[not looking at Roy] Hi." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Are you still mad at me?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Roy..." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Come on [begins to tickle Pam]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Cut it out." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Come on, you mad at me?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Stop it. [laughing]" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Are you still mad at me now?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[giggling] Cut it out." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Are you mad at me now?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Stop. [giggling]" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Huh? huh? Come on... Come on, Pammy I was just kidding." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[breathless] Stop, I can't breathe." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "I was just kidding. You know I didn't mean it. I can't..." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Jim is a great guy. He's like a brother to me. We're like best friends in the office and I really hope he finds someone." } ], [ { "character": "Katy", "line": "You seem to like to touch things. Did you try the velvet?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I don't like to necessarily touch things. I'm just... I'm shopping." }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "Oh no, it's fine that you, um. Here, what about the raspberry one? It's really uh, kind of festive. It's got a lot of personality." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yeah, uh no." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey, how's it going? Good. Can I talk to you for a second? In private?" }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "I don't think so I'm really busy." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It will just take a second." }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "I can't." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Just for a minute." }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "I really can't." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Please? I wanted to talk to you in private because I wanted to ask you out on a date." }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ok was that no to talking to me in private, or was that no to the date?" }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "Both." }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "What colors do you like?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Gray. Dark Gray. Charcoal." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ryan." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Would you like to help me with a special project?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I would love to." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[in Michael's car] Okay, just throw out all the empties." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "You don't want to recycle them?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um, yes. Throw them away in the recycling bin." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Do you want this? [holding a full bottle of water]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "What about this bottle of power drink?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh, what flavor?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Blue." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Blue's not a flavor." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "It says flavor: Blue Blast." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, Blue Blast. Yes, put that in the trunk, and there should be an unopened Arctic Chill back there. I want that in the passengers cupholder. Thank you." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm Jim, by the way." }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "I'm Katy." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hi Katy, nice to meet you." }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "You sit out there, don't you?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I do. That's what I'm best known for. Sitting out there. Alright, let's talk about purses." }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "Okay, um..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Katy but you know what, don't try to sell me one. Okay, seriously 'cause I'm just here to learn." }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "Okay. [laughs]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, so I know about most of these, but you know you can..." }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "What, stop! Whoa! That's my Drakkar Noir." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "No, this is Rite Aid Night Swept." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, it is a perfect smell-alike. I'm not paying for the label. Right here. Give it." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Well, it's empty." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Not it's not, there's some in the straw. [Michael opens bottle and wipes straw along his neck] There, now you may throw it out." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Wow. How many filet-o-fishes did you eat?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's over several months, Ryan." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[Under his breath] Still." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "What's up?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm bored." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thank you for choosing me." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, I'm kidding. Um, so you got big plans this weekend?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ah, well I think I'm gonna see Katy." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What are you guys going to do?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, man I don't know. Uh, dinner, drinks, movie, matching tattoos." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That's great." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And stuff... yeah." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That's cool." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I, I was gonna say, I think that um, we're gonna help Roy's cousin move." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "'Cause Roy's got a truck." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's cool." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Uh, huh. Yes." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That is cool. Well, I'll see you Monday though, right?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Great." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay, I'm gonna head back." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I think in order to be a ladies man, it's imperative that people don't know you're a ladies man, so I kind of play that close to the chest. I don't know, what can I say? Women are attracted to power. And I think other people have told me that I have a very symmetrical face. [laughs] I don't know. I don't know. Maybe they're right? I don't know." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sure you don't want me to help you with that? Cause I can grab that no problem." }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "Goodnight, it was nice nice to meet some of you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "See you later. Goodnight. Goodnight, Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Goodnight, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Where you going?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I don't know. Grab a drink, I think?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "With us?" }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "I uh, I probably should have told you, I don't need a ride now 'cause Jim can take me home after so you're off the hook." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. Great. Off the hook. Excellent. Okay, cool." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I got this. [taking Katy's bag from Michael]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright, have fun." }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "Thanks." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I got it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Don't drink and drive." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Take it easy." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Have a good night." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You too, have a good night." }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "You got that?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, yeah. You sold a lot, so it's lighter." }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "Good. Here. Squeeze it inside." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright now, I'm gonna warn you. Don't freak out, okay?" }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "Why?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "This is a really nice car. In case you haven't noticed, this is a Corolla. Okay." }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "It's a... it's a very nice car." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You're not going to freak out?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do I have a special someone? Uh well, yeah of course. A bunch of 'em. My employees. If I had to choose between a one-night-stand with some stupid cow I pick-up in a bar, and these people? I'd pick them every time. Because with them, it is an everyday stand and I still know their names in the morning." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The perfect girl for me would be Konikotaka. She has the most amazing story. She was orphaned at age 10 when both her parents were assassinated, and she was taken in by a wealthy, but very cruel, businessman. So she practiced aikido in secret for years until she could avenge the death of her parents. She's also a survivor of monster rape." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "This is really well made. Good stitching. Excellent fabric. [shakes the purse from side to side by it's handle] You sell a lot of these?" }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "It's very popular, yeah." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I knew it. Is it waterproof?" }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "I'm not sure. It's faux snakeskin." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Snakes are waterproof. So, I'm betting that it's waterproof. Do you know the difference between a snake and an eel?" }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "'Cause I could look it up real easily." }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "You're really into reptiles, huh?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "My belt's made out of alligator. Check it out. [lifts shirt]" }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "Oh, um, it's okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight. Dwight. Dwight! Okay, that's it. Keep it in your pants." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I was just showing her my belt." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, don't do that. Where are your glasses?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I...." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "He wears glasses. Did you know that?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Not all the time." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, now suddenly he can see. [laughs] Okay, take off. See ya. Bye-bye. [gives coffee to Katy] There you go steaming hot cup of joe." }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, I know your hero. Yeah, saving you from Animal Planet Jack over there. [laughs]" }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "Ha. Yeah, asks a lot of questions." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, yeah he is the worst." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "What's the um, saying, \"once their laughing they're... that's... Once they're laughing that's 50 percent of them being horizontal. So, not that I'm just... Not that that's my... that's what I'm trying to do, but I think it helps kind of melts the ice. Breaks the ice, melts... Breaks the ice and melts them. Melts their hearts." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you, Al Gore... for the Internet. Can send messages from one side the global to the other in the blink of an eye. Can you believe we couldn't do that ten years ago?" }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "We could do that ten years ago." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Right, but 20 years ago we couldn't and that is amazing. Here's Toby from Human Resources. This is Katy. Toby, Katy." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Hey, did you go to Bishop Ohara?" }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Yeah, me too." }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "Cool, what year where you there?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "'89." }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[talking over Toby and Katy] Toby's divorced. God, that's hard. That really ripped you up. She got the kids right? That'll damage ya. Sorry man. That's uh, that's a bad one. How much you paying her? What can, you can't even afford anything now, right? You're all right though, right? Don't ask me for a raise. [laughs] Cup of Soup's a good idea though. That'll... that's a good budgetary thing to do." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "It's just a snack." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, they're good snacks. They're good food, good meals, good lunch. Roman noodles are good too. You still sleepin' in the car?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "'Cause he slept in the car a couple times." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Just the once." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Are you still taking the antidepressants? 'Cause it was a good idea. 'Cause it'll help. It'll help, man." }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "I'm gonna go back to my table." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. I'll see you in a bit. [whispering] She's pretty cute isn't she? See you in a bit." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I mean whatever one you want." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Um, I like that one I think. [Ryan hands her a purse]" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah, I mean, it looks real good, probably." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "You know Michael's been talking to her too." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, really?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What do you think his chances are?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, Pam I'm not gonna lie to you, he's chances are none. Um, he's 41 years old, he is losing his hair and his cell phone ring is \"Mambo #5.\" So..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[laughs] I like that song." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I don't know though. I mean, you know that was a hit." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[laughs] 10 years ago." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, was it 10? Yeah, I have it on a mix tape from junior high." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Went well?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I think it did." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know what, just in case she's looking you should put some stuff in it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Seriously?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Anything. [Dwight begins to fill his new purse] Good. Yup." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What else?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Post-it Notes. Wow, that purse holds a lot." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's a mini-briefcase." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, oh, I know. Looks great. [Dwight throws the purse over his right shoulder and gets back to work]" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Do you like Steve Miller?" }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "'Cause I'm in a Steve Miller Tribute... Tribute Band." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, Dwight. I need your stapler." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's in my purse." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, great thanks." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Let me describe the perfect date. I take her out to a nice dinner. She looks amazing. Some guy tries to hit on her. Uh, now he wants to fight. So I grab him. I throw him into a jukebox. Then the other ninja's got a knife. He comes at me. We grapple. I turn his knife on him. Blood on the dance floor. She's scared now, I take her home. I'm holding her in my arms. I reach in for a kiss. I hear something in the leaves. I flip her around. She gets a poison arrow right in her back. She was in on it the whole time. But, I knew." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right. That's looking good. Hey um, Ryan do you have any music I can borrow." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "What kind do you like?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ah, I know, everything really. I love it all. I love music." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Okay, do you like hip-hop? Do you like indie rock?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, I love both of those so much. A lot of 'em." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Okay. Do you like The Strokes?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mmm hmm. I like 'em." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Do you like The Hives?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes. God. They're awesome." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "You like the Fleebulls, The Glorps?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh huh. Yup. That last thing they did was great." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah, I had a feeling you would like those." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Cool, so maybe hook me up with some Fleebulls and some Hive." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Absolutely." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right. This is gonna be good." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hi, here you can have this. [Dwight gives Kelly his purse] It's a mini-briefcase, but you can use it as a purse." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Uh, thank you." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Tonight is the Dundies, the annual employee awards night here at Dunder Mifflin. [holds up a trophy of a business man] And this is everybody's favorite day. Everybody looks forward to it, because, you know, a lot of the people here don't get trophies, very often. Like Meredith or Kevin, I mean, who's gonna give Kevin an award? Dunkin' Donuts? Plus, bonus, it's really, really funny. So I, you know, an employee will go home, and he'll tell his neighbor, \"Hey, did you get an award?\" And the neighbor will say, \"No man. I mean, I slave all day and nobody notices me.\" Next thing you know, employee smells something terrible coming from neighbor's house. Neighbor's hanged himself due to lack of recognition. So..." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "So, you ready for the... the Dundies?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ugh..." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "You know what they say about a car wreck, where it's so awful you can't look away? The Dundies are like a car wreck that you want to look away, but you have to stare at it because your boss is making you." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[in a Fat Albert voice] Hey hey hey! It's Fat Halpert." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[in Fat Albert voice] Fat Halpert. [in normal voice] Jim Halpert." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "So why don't I take you on a tour of past Dundie winners. We got Fat Jim Halpert here. Jim, why don't you show of your Dundies to the camera?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, I can't because I keep them hidden. I don't want to look at them and get cocky." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, that's a good idea." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Mine are at home in a display case above my bed." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Gyaaah. T.M.I. T.M.I my friends." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "T.M.I.? Too much information. Ah, it's just easier to say T.M.I. I used to say \"Don't go there\" but that's... lame." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "And here we have Stanley the Manly. Now Stanley is a Dundie all-star, aren't you Stan? Why don't you, ah, show them some of your bling." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I don't know where they are, I think I threw them out." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, no you di-int." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I think I did." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "W-why did you..." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Say, we got to order some more apa-teezers this time. We ran out last year, remember?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes we should. I... you know what? I wanted one of those skillets of cheese, but when I got off stage, [turns to Kevin] someone had eaten all of them." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[in video] To Oscar Martinez it's the \"Show Me the Money\" award! Yeah!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael has taped every Dundies awards and now, he's making me look through hours of footage to find highlights." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[in video] That's supposed to be confidential." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[in video] He has the award-ah! ...it's a type of song that we are going to play for the ladies. Hit it, Dwight!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[singing along to tune on video] A little bit of Paaam, all night long, a little bit of Angela on the thing..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[in video]...a little bit of Phyllis everywhere..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, yeah, this is the part where Kevin sat in front of the camcorder all night. It's great." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[on video] ...a little bit of Roooy eating chicken crispers... ...a little bit of Jim with some ribs, a little bit of..." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "It was you." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Live and learn." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[quietly laughing] It wasn't. I swear." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Yeah, it was." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So, what's the joke? You're not perfect either." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We're not laughing at you, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So who are we laughing at?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Um, just something somebody wrote." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Who? Dave Barry?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[laughing] No. No, just something that was written in the ladies' room wall." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What is it? Who wrote it?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Um, it's kind of private." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "[whispering] It's about Michael." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That is defacement of company property. So you better tell me. Kelly, if you tell me, you'll be punished less." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay, now I'm laughing at you." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[talking to the speakerphone] Will her highness, Jan Levinson-Gould, be descending from her corporate throne this evening to visit us lowly serfs here at Dunder Mifflin Scranton?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "[on speaker phone] It's a, it's, it's a two and a half hour drive from New York, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, you could take the bus. You could work on the way here. Sleep on the way home." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wuh... Come on, Jan. This is important. I mean, this is, this is, validation to my employees here that you and corporate approve of this. So..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "No, we don't approve of this Michael. I mean, y-you only had the budget for one office party a year, so... we're not paying for this." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[to camera] Could you...?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Are you there Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, I'm here, I just wanted to, uh, talk to you for a second about that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um, what, ah, what is, I mean..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "...come on, Jan!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're dropping an A-Bomb on me here." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Really? I'm dropping an atomic bomb on you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, yeah, I mean, what is..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "You already had a party on May 5th for no reason." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No reason?! It was the 05 05 05 party..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "And you had a luau...." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "...it happens once every billion years." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "And a tsunami relief fundraiser which somehow lost a lot of money." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, no, that was a FUN raiser. I think I made that very clear in the fliers, fun, F-U-N." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Okay, well, I don't understand why anyone would have a tsunami FUN raiser, Michael. I mean, that doesn't even make sense." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, I think a lot of people were very affected by the footage." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "This is a little character I like to do [places a green turban with a yellow feather on his head], it is, uh, loosely based on Karnack, one of Carson's classic characters. [puts an envelope to his head] Here we go. The PLO, the IRA, and the hot dog stand behind the warehouse. [tears open envelope and pulls out card] \"Name three businesses that have a better health care plans than Dunder Mifflin.\" Here's the problem. There's no open bar because of Jan and it's the reason why comedy clubs have a two drink minimum. It'll be fine, I just...wish people were going to be drunk." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Dwight, get out of here!!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, no, no, no..." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "What were you doing in the ladies room?!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "...no, no, no, no, it's not what you think." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Why were you peering over the stalls?!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, why were you in there?!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "You are a pervert!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What were you doing in there?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "You, are, a pervert!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I am not." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[in video] The Dundie award for \"Longest Engagement\" goes to Pam Beesley." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam, everybody! [starts clapping]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Whoooo! When is that girl gonna get married? That's what I have to say. Ah, Roy's accepting." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "[on video] Yes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[on video] Thank you Roy. Are there any words you'd like to say, on Pam's behalf?" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "[on video] Ah, w-we'll see you next year." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[on video] Yeah, oh, hope not! Oh God!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm not changing that, it's the best one." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, it's hilarious, you're right. I just think, um, \"world's longest engagement\", um, we're all expecting it, you know?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's why it's funny. Every year that Roy and Pam don't get married, it gets funnier." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well I think if you use the same jokes it just comes across as lazy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, [taking it to heart] lazy. Uh huh." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Excuse me, everyone, could I have your attention please. I just wanted to say that the women in this office are terrible. Especially the ones who wrote that stuff about Michael on the bathroom wall. Having a bathroom is a privilege. It is called a ladies room for a reason. And if you cannot behave like ladies, well then you are not going to have a bathroom." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "You're taking away our bathroom?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "We are going to have two men's rooms." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "But where would we...go?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Be prepared to hold folks [Michael comes out of his office] From 9 am to..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "...Dwight is banning us from our bathroom." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, well, that's just ridiculous, so just don't, I-I don't have time for this right now." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Nnnnno, there needs to be repercussions..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just don't, don't talk-" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "...for people's behavior." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Don't talk-" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And it's-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just STAP IT YAP IT!!!!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, look, I know there have been a lot of rumors flying around about the Dundies this year. How there is no money, and how there is no food, and how the jokes are really bad, but WHAT THE HELL EVERYBODY!? I mean, God. The Dundies are about the best, in every, one of us. Can't you see that? I mean, okay, we can do better. so, tonight, for the first time, we are inviting all of your friends and family to attend the awards with us." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[with a small fist pump] Yes!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, not bad, right? So let's make this the best Dundies ever." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[clapping] Best Dundies ever." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Welcome to the eighth annual Dundies awards." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Before we get started, a few announcements. Keep your acceptance speeches short, I have wrap it up music, and I'm not afraid to use it. [points] Devon!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "\"The Dundies, how can I explain it? Awards you like to hate it. I'm psyched you all made it. You never had to work so hard and feel that no one notices you. You're just a name and number and no one even says hello.\" [to Ryan] Card!" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "The Dundies are kind of like a kid's birthday party, and you go, and there's really nothing for you to do there. But the kid's having a really good time, so you're, kind of there. That's-that's kind of what it's like." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "\"You down with The Dundies? You down with the Dundie-\"" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The waitress tripped on the cord." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright, alright, joke landed. So we are here, thank you all for coming to the 2005 Dundie awards. [takes off sweater to reveal tuxedo] I am your host, Michael Scott. And I just want to tell you please, please, do not drink and drive. Because you may hit a bump and spill the drink!" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[to waitress] Oh, just put these on the group tab." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nope, actually this year, ah, no group tab, we're going to be doing separate checks." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "You said, we could bring our families." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I did. And why didn't ya Stanley?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I did, my wife's name is Terri." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, I'm looking forward to meeting Terri." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "It's this person who's hand I'm holding Michael." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[to Dwight, in a low voice] Shut it. [normal voice] Um, good. Speaking of relationships, of all, all way shapes and forms. Um, I was out on a very, very hot date with a girl from HR, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Really? We don't have any girls from HR." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, that...for the sake of the story. And things were getting hot and heavy." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And I was about to take her bra off..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "...when she made me fill out six hours of paperwork-" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Like an AIDS test?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No! [under his breath] God." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[clears throat] Alright, so let's get this party staaaarrrrted." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Hey let's go to Poor Richard's." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Yeah, let's get out of here." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Um..." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um, guys, where you going? Pam, show's just getting started." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Sorry." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "You staying?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, gotta eat somewhere." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "And now... to someone who quietly goes about their job, but always seems to land the biggest accounts..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "...the \"Busiest Beaver\" award goes to Phyllis Lapin." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, way to go Phyllis. Nice work, per usual." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "This says \"Bushiest Beaver\"." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What? I told them busiest...idiots." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "It's, it's fine." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, we'll fix it up. You don't have to display that." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "...because that's what happens every time!" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "...talking about? He's a jackass every year." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "[Put's his hand on Pam's arm] Come on, we're going to Poor Richard's." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[Breaks Roy's grip] No, I don't want to go, I don't want to." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Pam. Go." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "If you would have asked me that, then you would know." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[in a stereotypical oriental accent] Herro everybodeeee. I'm gonna cwall Jan Revinson-Gould." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey! How are ya? I thought you left?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh no, I just, I decided to stay." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'll just get a ride home from Angela." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh good, I'm just in time for Ping." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[doing impression] Oh, dat wir be fwar. Ah, me so horny." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Right? You know wat I'm talking 'bout." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[to an off camera waiter and still clutching Jim's beer] Can I get a drink?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "This next award goes to somebody, who really, lights up the office." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Somebody, who I think a lot of us, cannot keep, from checking out. The \"Hottest in the Office\" award goes to... ...Ryan the temp!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah. [singing to music] \"Hidy ho, you sexy thang. You sexy thang you.\" Here you go." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "What am I going to do with the award? Nothing. I-I don't know what I'm going to do. That's the least of my...concerns right now." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "And the \"Tight Ass\" award goes to Angela. Not only because she is everybody's favorite stickler, but because she has, a great caboose. So...come on down." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Pam starts sipping an empty glass] I think those might be empty." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, no. 'Cause the ice melts and then it's like second drink! [laughs]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Second drink?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "The \"Spicy Curry\" award goes to our very own Kelly Kapoor! Get on up here. Here you go." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "\"Spicy Curry\", what's that mean?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um, not everything means something, it's just a joke." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Yeah, but why'd you give it to me?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't know, it's just..." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "This is a bowler-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know. It's ju- they didn't have any more businessmen. So..." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Yeah, but everyone else-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just sit down Kelly." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[sweaty and chugging water from a bottle] It's so freakin' hot in there. Now I know what Bob Hope was going through when he performed in Saudi Arabia. Man! I got Dwight sucking the funny out of the room, but you do what you can do. [Music starts playing in the background] Here we go, he's early with the cue. Here we go." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Michael is singing to the tune of \"Tiny Dancer\" by Elton John] \"You have won a tiny Dundie.\"" }, { "character": "Guy at bar", "line": "Sing it Elton." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, thanks guys. Hey, where you guys from?" }, { "character": "Other Guy at Bar", "line": "We just came from yo' mama's house." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, alright, yeah." }, { "character": "Guy At Bar", "line": "Sing 'em a song dude." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh, you know what guys, we're just having a little office party, so if you want, uh..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Something flies by Michael] Hey, you know, cool it guys, really-" }, { "character": "Guy At Bar", "line": "You suck man!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Let's cut it. [Dwight turns the music off]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[clears throat] [with a lot less enthusiasm] I had a few more Dundies to, uh, give out tonight, but, I'm just going to cut it short. And wrap it up so everybody can enjoy their food. Um...thanks for listening, those who listened. [clears throat] This last Dundie is for Kevin, this is the \"Don't Go in There After Me\" award. It's for the time that I went into the bathroom after him, and it was really, really smelly. So..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[give Kevin his award]There you go." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yay Kevin. Whoo hoo for Kevin! For stinking up the bathroom." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[starts clapping] Yeah, alright Kev." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Woo! Hey, I haven't gotten one yet!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes, I have not gotten one either. So, keep going." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "More Dundies!" }, { "character": "Pam & Jim", "line": "[clapping] Dundies! Dundies! Dundies! Dundies!" }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Dundies! Dundies!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[getting his spirit back] Alright, alright, alright, okay. Alright, we'll keep rolling. Okay, this is the fine work award. This goes to Stanley, for all the fine work he did this year." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Fine work! Fine work Stanley!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know you did." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Here here! Speech, speech, speech, speech [other people start joining in]" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Well, well, last year, I got great work, so I don't..." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "So, I don't know what to think about this award. But at least I didn't get smelliest bowel movement like Kevin. [starts chuckling]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "And this next award is going out to our own little Pam Beesley..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "...I think we all know what award Pam is going to be getting this year." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It is the \"Whitest Sneakers\" award! Because she always has the whitest tennis shoes on!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Get on down here! Pam Beesley ladies and gentlemen! [Pam grabs the microphone from him] Oh, here we go." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I have so many people to thank for this award." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay, first off, my Keds. Because I couldn't have done it without them. [people clap] Thank you. Let's give Michael a round of applause for MC-ing tonight because [people start clapping again] this is a lot harder than it looks. And also because of Dwight too." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Um, so, finally, I want to thank God. Because God gave me this Dundie." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "And, I feel God in this Chili's tonight. WHOOOOOOOO!!!!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam Beesley ladies and gentleman. [Pam hugs Michael and gives him a quick peck on the cheek] Oh! Thank you." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "What a great year for the Dundies." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "We got to see Ping. [Pam nods] And we learned of Michael's true feelings for Ryan. [Pam nods] Which was touching. And, we heard Michael change the lyrics to a number of classic songs. [Pam nods] Which for me, has ruined them for life. [looks at Pam, who is staring at him, nodding]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Nothing." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I don't know, what?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh my God! You are so drunk!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Did you get that? Please tell me you got that. This is all going to be on." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Quick, quick, the woman is having a seizure. Grab her tongue, grab her tongue! It's okay, I'm a sheriff's deputy." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "He's a volunteer." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Don't get into that now. We need something to cushion her head. Throw pillow? A cush-" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dwight come on, come-" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's okay, I'm going to use my shirt." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Dwight, get off me!" }, { "character": "Employee", "line": "I'm sorry, you're gonna have to put your clothes back on, people are trying to eat." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[struggling] Ahh! I can't-" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Was this year's Dundies a success? Well, let's see, I made Pam laugh so hard, that she fell out of her chair, and she almost broke her neck. So I killed, almost." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh my God!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Whoa." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I just want to say, that this was the best, Dundies, ever! WHOOOOOOOOO!!!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Whoa." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Whoa, careful, careful." } ], [ { "character": "Chili's Employee", "line": "We have a strict policy here not to over serve. Apparently, this young woman was sneaking drinks off other people's tables. I Xeroxed her driver's license and she is not welcome to this restaurant chain ever again." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Great work tonight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Watch your step." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Excellent." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thanks, I had to, uh, check her pupils to make sure there wasn't a concussion." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, that too, but I mean with the audio. Great work." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I feel bad about what I wrote on the bathroom wall." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No you don't." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, here she is. Careful, careful, whoa. Alright, easy. Almost there." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, um, can I ask you a question?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Shoot." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Um, I just wanted to say thanks." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Not really a question. [starts to laugh] Okay, let's get you home, you're drunk." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Bye." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Goodnight, have a good night. Thank you Angela." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "TMI. Too much information. I used to say, \"Don't go there,\" but that is so lame now. Or, \"You go, girl.\" Or... Um, when did \"Where's the beef?\" That was, like, a long, long time ago. It's funny how the shelf life of these things, like how long they last, like, \"Too much information\" probably came on the scene... I mean, I didn't hear it till, like, this month, so it's pretty recently. Um, but you know, they're generally good for, like, no more than five or six years." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Yes, that's true. I have never won a Dundie. I am more than okay with that." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I think I'm gonna share some Cadillac Fajitas with Toby. Toby is so cute, except he has that stupid kid." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yes, I'm the designated driver, which is very important. We need everyone to get home safely. [sighs] But no one ever gives me gas money, and people live all over. It's expensive." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[scoffs] Like a gaggle of geese... [jibbering mockingly]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right, we need something for Kevin." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mmm-hmmm." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What do we know about him? He's an accountant." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "He plays guitar, he likes naval history. He's a bowler." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[talking over Jim] He's fat. The fat accountant award." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, you seem to have this under control." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "The weird part about this whole deal this that Michael truly believes that these awards are inspiring and motivational. I mean, he puts more effort and time and commitment into the Dundies than anything else he does all year. Which is probably why this branch will be downsized." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am the fat accountant." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael, I need to talk to you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Here he is." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I just thought that you might like to know that someone has written something about you on the ladies' room wall." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really? What did they say? \"For a good time, call Michael Scott\"?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Good one." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Uh, no, no. No, I think something bad, maybe." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why do you think that? You just immediately go to that, Dwight? Why are you so negative? Why..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I mean, you just come in and you're just negative..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "...and you just walk negatively." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do you want me to find out what it says?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "By any means necessary?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What does that even mean? What are you... What are you talking about?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's the ladies' room." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just go and find out what it says and who said it and report back to me. But don't tell anybody that I have anything to do with it because if they ask me, I will say that you are crazy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you. You won't regret this, Michael." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What award would you like to give Dwight?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I hadn't planned on including him." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Kevin." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It hasn't always been easy being a whistleblower. When I was in school, the kids would call me a tattle-tale or a snitch or a worm. So I really identify with those women from Enron. I wrote them letters to tell them how much they inspired me, but they never wrote back. I guess they're all married." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Angela, it's simple. Just tell me what the bathroom wall says." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I don't talk about what goes on in the restroom." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm not asking what you do in there. I just want to know what's written about Michael." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I don't says those kinds of things out loud. It's inappropriate." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, I'll talk. You nod if I get it right. Does it have to do with his butt or his wiener?" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I think his characters are pretty funny. Especially Ping." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, what should I do, guys? Seriously, do you want me to just cancel the Dundies?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "No, we were just hoping you wouldn't do those characters, like last time." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ping? Everybody loves Ping. He's my most popular character." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I think many people find that character slightly racist." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really? Well, he is based on the Chinese delivery guy that I have, who talks exactly like that, so, I think you should take it up with him instead of me." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Look, I'm just saying that there are many people that are offered by your insensitive skits." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[sighs] Well, neither of you are Chinese, so what... Why do you care?" } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Dwight, get out of here!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, no, no." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "You can't be in here!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's not what you think." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Shut up. You're a freak!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm on official business." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "You are..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "This is Dunder Mifflin..." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I'm telling Michael." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No. Phyllis, you're not..." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I'm telling Michael." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Phyllis, no. No." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Michael, Michael." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Phyllis, no, no. Do not listen to her. She's out of her mind." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Dwight was in the ladies' room and he was looking at me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That is not true." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "He was looking at me in the ladies' room." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's totally unfair. I was just in the ladies' room in order to spy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight, you've hit a new low here." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "That's what I said. He was spying in the ladies' room." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What do you think, Phyllis? You think I followed you in there? Like, \"Oh good. Phyllis is going to the bathroom, so maybe I get to see her naked from the waist down.\" I'm not even attracted to you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That is a good point." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Write him up or I'll take it to Jan." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, all right, I will do that. I will get to that definitely. Absolutely." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "When?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, I don't know. Maybe after I finish writing, producing, directing, and hosting your awards show. All right, just relax, keep your pants on. Unless, of course, you're in the bathroom and you should be able to take your pants off in that case without Creepsville Central spying on you. Good." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "All right." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "All right, let's wrap it up. Come on, we're late. The Dundies are starting very soon. Accounting, let's go, let's go. Okay, I gave you fair warning. [turns off their computers] Out. Who's next, customer service? Meredith, let's roll." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Here we go. [organizing his costumes] And that. [to waitress] Hey. How you doing?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[singing] You down with the Dundies?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, you know me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[singing] You down with the Dundies?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The Dundies!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[singing] You down with the Dundies? You're all my homies" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You know me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[singing] You down with the Dundies?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, you know me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[singing] Yeah, all the homies" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I have listened to that song so many times and I still don't know what OPP stands for. Other people's... Something. I... [shakes head]" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "So, Pam, I wonder who's gonna get \"longest engagement\" this year." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Well. You're not goona get longest engagement, man, 'cause we got that locked up." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I wonder what I'll get. I brought my fiance." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right, our next award... ah, yes, this award goes to the most creative writing on the ladies' room wall, and the winner is... Who is it? Who wants to claim it? Shiny Dundie. Who wrote it? Great idea, Dwight." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "I'm just saying I don't think it's appropriate for you to have given Ryan that award." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "He's hot, all right? What do you want me to do about it?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Okay, that is fine to feel, but not to act on." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[sighing] It was unanimous, Toby." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "It wasn't a vote. You decided." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, okay, I based it on what I felt was unanimous office sentiment, and this isn't even about what Ryan thinks. It's about you. It's about how you feel about the Dundies. Admit it." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Okay, that is not true." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, it is true." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "'Cause Ryan asked me to talk to you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, I don't have time for this. I need to get on stage and you are breaking my concentration. [imitating Native chant] Me Chief Michael Scott. Here to trade..." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Excuse me, Goldschlager, extra flakes." }, { "character": "Waitress", "line": "We don't have that. You want a Presidente Margarita? Blue Pacific Margarita, El Nino..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, no. No margarita. Hot sake." }, { "character": "Waitress", "line": "[shakes head 'no']" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Fosters in the big can." }, { "character": "Waitress", "line": "[shakes head 'no' again]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Just a chocolate shake, chocolate sprinkles." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay. No, no, no, no, no. Lie still, lie still." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I am fine." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dwight, this is crazy." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jim, not now! We need to cushion her head. Lie still. Please, Pam. Do not move." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dwight, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm sorry." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[laughing] I am fine." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jim, don't interfere." }, { "character": "Manager", "line": "You have to put your clothes back on. People are trying to eat." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, my God." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Can you give me a second, sir." }, { "character": "Manager", "line": "No!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Dwight, let me up." }, { "character": "Manager", "line": "Put your clothes back on. Get, get right now." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I am a Sheriff's Deputy." }, { "character": "Manager", "line": "That's fine." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I could have my men in here in a second and have you arrested." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "The other volunteers." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Pam, are you all right?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm fine." }, { "character": "Manager", "line": "Sir, sir." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "How many fingers am I holding up?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You're holding up three fingers." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "All right. Are you okay?" }, { "character": "Manager", "line": "Put your clothes on, right now." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I will. I will. You need to calm down." }, { "character": "Manager", "line": "Right now." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Don't wanna forget that." }, { "character": "Manager", "line": "You and your party really need to leave right now." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Absolutely. Is this mine or is this Chili's?" }, { "character": "Manager", "line": "You know what? Don't worry about it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Keep it. My gift. [hugs Chili's Manager] Thank you. Have a good night. See you next year." }, { "character": "Manager", "line": "That's fine." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[clears throat] Hey, what's up?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Any emails today?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Um... I don't think so." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No? Um... Check your spam folder." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh! There it is!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Um... 'Fifty signs your priest might be Michael Jackson.'" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[laughs uncontrollably]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well done." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Kay." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Topical." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am king of forwards. It's how I like to do business, everybody joking around. We're like 'Friends'. I am Chandler and Joey and, uh, Pam is Rachel. And Dwight is Kramer." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So the monkey does the sex thing right here! [monkey noises in background]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's funny! That's funny. Not offensive. Uh... because it's nature. Educational." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Do you want the link because then you could forward it around?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um, I..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Consider it?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah... maybe. Maybe. Well, we'll see. Because I... I don't know if it's... [muffled by jacket over his head] Whup! Come on! Hey!" }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "What has two thumbs and likes to bone your Mom? [points at self] This guy!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Kay! Oh, you are so bad! Yeah!" }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "[makes laser gun noises]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, Boom! Bam! Oh, this guy is out of control! He is a madman! Better get the bleep button ready for him." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "bleep, bleep. What's up, Halpert?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh oh." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Still queer?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh oh! Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-o!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Todd Packer and I are total BFF. Best Friends Forever. He and I came up together as salesmen. One time, we were out and we met this set of twins. And Packer told them that we were brothers. And so, you know, one thing led to another, and we brought em back to the motel. And then Packer did both of them. It was awesome. So..." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh-whoa-oh! Oh! Okay. Grade 'A' gossip for you, right now. Randall, CFO, resigned. Nobody knows why." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Are you kidding? Everyone knows why! You don't know? Okay, check this out. Al lright. So here's the story. So Randall is nailing his secretary, right? And she is totally incompetent." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really? Here we go! Buckle up. It's going to be a bumpy one!" }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "We're talking blonde incompetent." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, yeah." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Like 10 words a minute... talking." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, to be fair... blondes, brunettes, you know, there's a lot of dumb people out there." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "They are women, right?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh! Wow! I didn't say it! I didn't say it!" }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "I said it. And then, suddenly, for no reason, this bimbo blows the whistle on the whole thing just to be a bitch." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, wow! What did I tell you about the bleep button." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, um... what has two thumbs and hates Todd Packer? [points at self] This guy!" } ], [ { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Meant to ask you, can you think you can get someone to drive me around because of the, uh, DUI situation?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh. Bad boy. [to Ryan] Um... Ryan? [makes Donald Duck noise]" }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "[to Ryan] Come on, kid. Let's go." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ah! Man. That Todd Packer can do anything." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Except pass that breathalyzer." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "You a big William Hung fan?" }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Why does everyone ask me that? Who the hell is that?" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin's computer", "line": "[monkey noises]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm really excited to meet your Mom." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You are?" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "My Mom is coming in to visit. And she lives like two hours away. And she doesn't have a cell phone... which is cool cause it's kind of adding some suspense to my day. And I keep looking over at the door hoping she'll walk in." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I've decided to show her around. She really wants to meet everybody." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh yeah?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "mmhmm." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Good. Cause I have a lot of questions." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh really?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah. As a child, did Pam show any traits that would hint towards her future career as a receptionist?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, send me that link to the monkey sex video. I'm going to forward it like it's hot." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Forward it like it's hot. Forward it like it's hot. \"Old School\"." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, Toby?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Um... I need to talk to you in your office. It'll just take two seconds." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um... literally two seconds?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Toby is in HR which technically means he works for Corporate. So he's really not a part of our family. Also he's divorced so he's really not a part of his family." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "The full story is that Randall resigned because of sexual harassment. So Corporate asked me to do a five minute review of the Company Sexual Harassment policy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, Toby. No." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "It's really not a big deal, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It is a big deal. It's a big deal! What are we supposed to do? Scrutinize every little thing we say and do all day? I mean, come on!" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "And then Corporate is going to send in a lawyer..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Just to refresh you... ." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "NO!" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "on our policy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What? He! No! Okay, what is a lawyer going to come in and tell us? To not send out hilarious emails or not tell jokes?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Maybe not some of them. Maybe not inappropriate ones." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "There is no such thing as an appropriate joke. That's why it's a joke." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Everyone! Hello! Everyone. Hi! Sorry to interrupt. I know you're all busy and the last thing you want is for a major interruption. But Toby has an announcement that he insists on making right now in the middle of the day. [to Toby] So, take it away." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Yeah, okay. Corporate would like us to do a five minute review of the Company Sexual Harassment policy so I'll go over that later." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I wish you luck, Toby. I really do. But you are going to have a mutiny on your hands and I just can't wait to see how you handle it." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "A guy goes to a five dollar... lady of the night and he gets crabs. So, the next day he goes back to complain. And the woman says \"Hey. It was only five dollars. What did you expect? Lobster?\" This is what's at stake." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Time to bring out the big guns. I'm heading down to the warehouse where jokes are born. Find a killer joke that'll just blow everybody away at the seminar later. And remind them what is great about this place. So... ah! Here they are. [to Warehouse guys] Guys! Wondering if I could, uh, get your help for something. I'm looking for a new joke to tell and it needs to be just killer. And it does not need to be clean. So whatcha got?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Like a joke? A knock-knock joke?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um, yeah, no, well... I mean better. Better than that. The type of stuff you guys tell all day." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Well, [points at Michael] those are some awful tight pants you have on. Where'd you get em? Like Queers R Us?" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Boys R Us!" }, { "character": "Warehouse Guy", "line": "Oh!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright, alright. Well, yeah, but, you know... a joke but not necessarily at my expense." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Man, we can see all your business coming around the corner, okay? You need to, you know, hide the... good thing you don't have a lot of business to start with." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oooh, okay. That was still about me." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Hey, hey, hey." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "So you don't have the biggest package. Don't feel bad." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't feel bad." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[fake whispers to Roy] I think he feels bad." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I don't." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "You look like you feel bad." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Little package!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, not exactly what I was looking for but thanks guys." }, { "character": "Warehouse guy", "line": "Little package! Little package!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "You look good." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Hiding from his momma." }, { "character": "Warehouse guys", "line": "[kissing noises, sheep baaing sounds]" } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "So remember, intent is irrelevant. And that's it. Pam?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Um... I just wanted to say that... Just, my Mom's coming in today." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "MILF!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thanks, Kevin." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Usually the day we talk about sexual harassment is the day that everyone harasses me as a joke." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "She's coming in today and maybe just don't joke around about that stuff in front of her." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Great point." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Um... in fact, basic rule of thumb, let's just act everyday like Pam's Mom's coming in. All right. That's it. Um... if anybody has any questions about anything, you know where I sit in the back." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hi, is it over?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Uh, yes!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I can go over it with you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know, I know. It's good. It is not over. It is not over til it's over." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "It's over." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Did he tell you everything? Obviously, he didn't because you all still look relatively happy. Albeit bored. Do you realize what we're losing? Seriously?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Email forwards." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Exactly! Mmwwah [blows kiss to Angela]! Can we afford to lose email forwards? Do we want that?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I hate them. You send me these filthy emails and you say forward them to ten people or you'll have bad luck." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Give me a break. Umm... Stanley, how about that hot picture you have by your desk? Centerfold in the Catholic schoolgirl's outfit? I mean, it is hot, it is sexy, and it turns him on. And I will admit, best part of my morning is staring at it. But what? Are we just going to take it away?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "That is my daughter. She goes to Catholic girls' school. I am taking it down right now." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Um... what about office romance?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Office relationships are never a good idea. Yeah. So let's just try to avoid them. But, um, if you already have one, you should disclose it to HR." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "All relationships? Eh, even a one-night stand?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I think the old honor system was just fine. For example, I have never slept with an employee. And, believe me, I could have." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, Meredith." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No! No! Catherine. Remember her? Remember how hot she was?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "She would have definitely slept with me." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "She wasn't that hot." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, she was. Dammit, Kevin!" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Ok, you know, Michael..." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm in an office relationship. It's special. Um... she's nice. She's shy. She's actually here. You want to meet her? Hold on one second. Oh, my God! Put on a shirt! Put on a... . I told you that you'd be on camera. I'm sorry, she's European. No, I told you that you'd be on camera. Stop it." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "What if Pam was a lesbian? What if she brought her \"partner\" in to work? [to Toby] Would that be crossing the line?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What if they made out? In front of everybody?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Well, that would be..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "At home? And I told everybody everything about it." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Okay, I'm lost." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. Well, then let's act it out. Pam, you will be girl A and girl B will be... Okay! We'll use the doll. Pam. Pam?" } ], [ { "character": "Video", "line": "[Crossing the Line: Rules for the Modern Workplace]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I wish Todd Packer was here because he would love this. I wonder if anybody else would like to do this. Hey! Um... we have to watch, uh, Toby's video that he's showing us in order to brainwash us and I was wondering if anybody would like to join in? Going to be fun. Got my great pizza. Whataya say? Jim?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, thanks. I'm good." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's what she said. Pam?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Uh... my mother's coming." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's what she sai [clears throat] Nope, but... Okay. Well, suit yourself." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey, Toby." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Hey Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You said that we could come to you if we had any questions." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Sure." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Where is the clitoris? On a website, it said at the crest of the labia. What does that mean? What does the female vagina look like?" } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Technically, I am in Human Resources. And Dwight was asking about human anatomy. Um... I'm just sad the public school system failed him so badly." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Yeah, maybe when you get really comfortable with each other, you can ask for that." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Good. Good. And..." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I should get back to work." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Man in Video", "line": "In today's fast-paced business climate, it can sometimes be hard to know when a comment or an action crosses the line. Let's take a look at a couple of scenarios and ask ourselves 'where is the line?'" }, { "character": "Video", "line": "[Scenario 1: The Natural Redhead]" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Natural redhead." }, { "character": "Actor", "line": "Hey, Rach." }, { "character": "Redheaded Actress", "line": "Hey, Joe. Mike." }, { "character": "Actor", "line": "Hey, settle a bet. Are you a natural redhead?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Oh, Mi... ! Hey, stop the video! Michael, stop it right there! Stop it right there! That's that girl from that thing. [pointing at Redheaded Actress] I banged this girl right here. This is..." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "That's her?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yes, this is the one." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "No!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You remember? Yes!" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "At the party?" }, { "character": "Warehouse guy", "line": "You banged her?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yes! [to video screen] Right here. You are a naughty girl!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... Okay! Hypocrite! She is a hypocrite. That is such a scam! Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "[to cell phone] Yes. Yes, I did. Okay. Well, we can talk about that later then. [to Pam] Hi." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, you are never going to believe this. The girl in the video we're watching that Corporate gave us... Darryl banged her! Aaand is about 90% sure." } ], [ { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Don't ever let this little bitch drive you around town. We got, uh, lost for half an hour." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't have any DUI's so I can drive myself, but thanks." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Where is Michael Snot? Sniffing some dude's thong? Probably." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "So you are the lawyer, Mr. O'Malley? I know a lot of lawyer jokes." }, { "character": "Mr. O'Malley", "line": "I love lawyer jokes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, it's probably because you don't get 'em." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "When I said before that I was king of forwards, you got to understand that I don't come up with this stuff. I just forward it along. You wouldn't arrest a guy who's just delivering drugs from one guy to another." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "You seem a little bit agitated, Michael. What's the problem?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "The problem is that I am the boss and apparently I can't say anything." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Well, that... that's true in a way. You can't say anything." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Where's the line? Where's the line, Jan." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Do you need to see the video again, Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I've seen the video." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "[to Jan] He talked the whole time." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I didn't. [to Jan] Huh, what? [everyone looks up at blow-up doll]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Attention, everyone! Hello! Ah, yes! I just want you to know that, uh, this is not my decision, but from here on out... we can no longer be friends. And when we talk about things here we must only discuss work-associated things. And, uh, you can consider this my retirement from comedy. And in the future, if I want to say something funny or witty or do an impression, I will no longer, ever, do any of those things." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Does that include 'That's What She Said'?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mmmhmm. Yes." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow! That is really hard. You really think you can go all day long? Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling, so..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Michael. MICHAEL!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[laughing] Come on." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Michael, please." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "There he is." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mwah! [kisses hand and salutes office]" }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "There he is. Good one." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "You would have done the same. You just didn't think of it first." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Mike... Michael. Please. I... I... really." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's... That's..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "That's not my sense of humor." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. [to man entering office] Hello. [introduces] Jan. Mr. O'Malley. This is my lawyer, James P. Albiny." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Wha..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I believe you may recognize his face from the billboards. He specializes in Free Speech issues." }, { "character": "Albiny", "line": "[to camera] And motorcycle head injuries, worker's comp, and diet pill lawsuits." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "This guy does it all." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "[to Albiny] 'Scuse me, I'm sorry. [to Michael] Michael. Mr. O'Malley is your lawyer." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Mr. O'Malley is our Corporate lawyer. We have him on retainer. To protect the company as well as upper level management, such as yourself." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So I'm not in trouble?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am so used to being the bad boy. I am so used to fighting Corporate that I forget that I am Corporate. Upper management. They hooked me up with an attorney. To protect me. You can't be too careful about what you say. Mo' money, mo' problems." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. Well, let's get you out of here, James. Um... I think we're under an hour still, so..." }, { "character": "Albiny", "line": "Yeah, but I did a lot of paperwork at home before I got here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know. We'll talk about it later. Thanks for coming in." } ], [ { "character": "Helene", "line": "Um... hello." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[ecstatic] Oh my god!" }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "Finally made it!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hello!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I love my Mom. Okay. That's probably really the most obvious statement ever." } ], [ { "character": "Helene", "line": "This is all yours?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah. I'm in charge of this whole area." }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "Oh, my goodness. That's great." } ], [ { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "So a guy goes home, tells his wife, \"Honey. Pack your bags. I just won the lottery.\" She goes, \"Oh my god! That's incredible! Where are we going?\" He goes, \"I don't know where you're going, just be out of here by five!\" [men laugh] Boom!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "This is where I used to keep my computer." }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "Oh, right! I remember..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "But then I moved it." }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "with the picture." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, yeah, but I uh... I switched stuff around because I actually needed like more room for organization. So..." }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "Sure." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "So this is like, um, an organization station..." }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "[to Roy] Oooooh!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey!" }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "Well, there he is!" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "How are ya?" }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "Hi, handsome!" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "You look great!" }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "Oh, thank you! So! We ready for dinner?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, you know... actually, I kind of need to stall a bit. But, it's okay, because I am very used to killing time." }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "Oh, I don't believe that." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Okay, I'm going to go wait in the parking lot. And what kind of tunes you want for the ride? Little, uh, classical? Or oldies?" }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "Oh, anything is fine." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "All right, I'll see ya." }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "So which one is Jim?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Mom!" }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "I just wanted to know." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "All right. Okay." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ten minutes." }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Then we can go to dinner." }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "I'll make myself busy." } ], [ { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "There's this guy. He's at a Nymphomaniac Convention. And he is psyched 'cause all these women are smokin' hot perfect 10's, except for this one chick who looks a lot like, uh... [points at Phyllis]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Phyllis?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. No, no, no. That crosses the line." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Ex-squeeze me?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Not you. Kevin. Just unwarranted. Hostile work environment, Kevin." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Packer said it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. You said it. He pointed. A point is not a say. Look. Kevin, we are a family here and Phyllis is a valued member of that family. Like a grandmother." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I'm the same age as you, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't know about that." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "We're in the same High School class." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, I have a late birthday and usually September's a cut-off point. [to Kevin] You know what? You just crossed the line. Okay? There's a line and you went over it. And you must be punished. So go to your corner." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "You mean where my desk is?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, your corner. Go." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Okay. I have a lot of work to do anyway." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mmmhmmm." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Oh my. They really got to you, didn't they?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "They didn't get to me. I got to them. I am still the same old Michael Scott. New and improved. You know what? I love Phyllis. You know what else? I think she is gorgeous. I think she is incredibly, incredibly attractive person. [to Phyllis] C'mere, c'mere, c'mon! Come on! Come on." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Michael! Come on!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oooh!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "You don't have to worry. I'm not going to..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm not worried." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "...report you to HR." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what? The only thing I'm worried about... is getting a boner. Good work today, everybody." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Times have changed a little. And even though we're still a family here at Dunder-Mifflin, families grow. And at some point, the daddy can't take a bath with the kids anymore. I am Upper Management. And it would be inappropriate for me to take a bath with Pam. As much as I might want to." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "He said what?" } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good morning, Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Good morning, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What's going on?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Nothing. You look nice today." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You look real thin." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't get what you mean." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You just... You look good. Your shirt looks... You look real good." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, you said I looked thin, so what does... Does that mean I'm like thin weird or thin handsome or... [laughing]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thin handsome, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, well, of course. Of course. [laughing]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wait, Jim, no! Don't drink directly from the can. Okay, I'm serious. It's all over the Internet. They use the same shipping company as a rat poison, and it gets on the can. [Jim takes a drink] Well, you're an idiot." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What can I say, Dwight, I live a very dangerous life." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[Email chiming] [snickers] Did you see that?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I saw it." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "You can see her..." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "It's fake." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "How do you know?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "She wouldn't do that. She's a Senator." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Office romance. For example, Pam and I are dating, do we have to disclose that?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We're not dating." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, but I'm saying hypothetically if we were dating..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We're not dating, I'm engaged." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, Roy is dead, and I ask you out." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I would say no." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You say yes, and we go out." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I would drown myself." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And now Roy and Pam are dead, and we have your stupid rules to blame, Toby." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Toby actually gets alimony from his ex-wife because she makes more, so that's kind of embarrassing. Not that I'd mind, but it would never happen to me because I would make the marriage work. People seem to like him because they think he's one of us, but he's not. He's this weird loner who just tells people, \"Don't do this, don't do that. Hire this person for this reason.\" I would complain about him, but who would I go to, to complain about Toby? Toby. Bias. And what does he do about that? Nothing. Because he's Toby. What kind of name is that? It's almost a girl's name. I think I've known more girls named Toby than guys. He just kind of makes my skin crawl a little bit. Toby is the devil. Toby's the devil." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I know we're having that harassment thing this afternoon." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Sometimes when we IM, I send you that little winking face with the lipstick." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah. I realize that might be harassment." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes, it is harassment and I'm going to be suing the winking face. I've hired the angry face as my lawyer and you will be hearing from him pretty soon." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay. [IM chiming] [laughing]" } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm an early bird, and I'm a night owl. So I'm wise, and I have worms. Oh, breakfast." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I got your sausage, egg and cheese biscuit." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yummy, yummy. Thank you, Ryan." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "What was the thing, ah, you needed me to come in early for?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um. The sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit. But thank you. And why don't you take a couple hours. The office is yours. \"Home Alone,\" \"Risky Business.\" Take your pants off, run around. Whatever you gotta do." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I'm just going to take a nap in my car until work starts." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok. [Removes biscuit, leaving only sausage, egg and cheese.] Healthier. Gotta watch those carbs." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Today, I, Michael Scott, am becoming a homeowner. Investing in real estate." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Diversifying. Smart." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes it is. Yes it is. It is very important to own property. Back in olden days, they would not even let you vote unless you owned property and they'd throw you in the stocks and humiliate you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And it worked. They should bring the stocks back. People'd obey the law, there'd be less troublemakers." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Maybe." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[looks bored. Taps finger on desk. Head falls to desk]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[laughs]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Every so often, Jim dies of boredom. I think today it was the expense reports that did him in. And our deal is that, it's up to me to revive him." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "You see Dwight's coffee mug?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mm-hmm." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Sometimes when he's not here, I try to throw stuff in it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No way. Let's do this [crumples post it and throws into mug. Misses.] Oh." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Here." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wind." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Try paperclips. Oh wait. This message. For Dwight." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Perfect. [misses]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You should go." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes. Yes. Final walkthrough." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Uh huh." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sign the papers at the condo." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You have your lawyer there?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh, I don't need one." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Can I be your representative?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't need a representative." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I think I should be there." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm good. I can make sure things are up to code." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. Dwight. I'm fine." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Please, I'm always the guy you rely on at work." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, this isn't about work. This is closing on a condo, it's completely personal." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So you're taking a personal day?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Except that, this is about my living arrangement, and as boss, I need to have a living arrangement in order to do work." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Please, I'll make you proud." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok. Fine. Yes, you can come." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes! As your representative?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "As my associate." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Same thing." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No it is not." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I have been Michael's #2 guy for about 5 years. And we make a great team. We're like one of those classic famous teams. He's like Mozart, and I'm like Mozart's friend. No. I'm like Butch Cassidy, and Michael is like Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart; you're going to get a bullet in your head courtesy of Butch Cassidy." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, most honorable Pamera. Not offensive, because that's the way they talk in movies." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You headed out?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We are. Dwight and I are going to the big thing. So why don't you have everybody work on their expense reports and I'd like them in by the end of the day." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ok." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Very good." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Have a great time." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We will. Um, did you do the thing I asked you to do about the magazines?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, I changed them to your new address." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good. The Small Business Man?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yup." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Maxim? American Way? Cracked?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes, I changed your Cracked magazine subscription." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "How about, uh, Fine Arts? Aficionado Monthly?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[shakes head]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "NO, well can you get on that, because I don't just read Cracked. Thank you." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok. See you soon." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What kind of shocks you got on this baby?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't know, regular. Normal ones. Nothing fancy. Not my style. What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[tries to open sun roof] I want to put the top down." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What? No, Dwight. It's fifty degrees outside. Don't... please..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "But then no one can see us." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I... Just... Would you put it up? [roof opens] Ok. Fine. Just leave it down. Whiner." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Check it out. [points at sunglasses] Terminator." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I do not understand what you spend your money on." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[paper football lands on desk] Ooh." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, Oscar, on these new expense reports, do we really have to go back to last quarter?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Yeah. It's a terrible system, I know." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[points at paper on desk] What does 2005 season mean?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Eh." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wait a minute, what is this?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "It's a scoreboard." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Kevin and I play this paper football game when Michael's out." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Or when we're bored." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh my God! Wait, this goes back two years." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "We're bored a lot." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[flicks football onto Kevin's desk] OH!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Sweet!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes! So close. I really love the paper triangle flicking and hitting things game. Yeah." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "We call it Hate Ball." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Why?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Because of how much Angela hates it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, do you guys have any other games?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Sometimes we play \"Who can put the most M&M's in their mouth?\"" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "You play that." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You should ask Toby to teach you Dunderball." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Home, sweet home." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Which one's yours?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Right there. My sanctuary. My party pad. Someday I can just see my grandkids learning how to walk out here. Hang a swing from this tree. Push them back... wait... [turns around] no, it's this one, right here. Home, sweet home." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[bounces ball off wall with Toby] So that's what this sound is all day." } ], [ { "character": "Carol", "line": "Michael, this is Bill. He's the head of the condo association." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, how are you? Nice to meet you, Bill. Bill. Mr. Bill. OHHH NOOO. MR. BILL. OHHH! SNL? When they pull him apart? He'd always get rolled over by something." }, { "character": "Bill", "line": "Nice to meet you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nice to meet you too." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "This is smaller than your old place." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, small. I'm buying it and I'm not renting it. So, it's still an upgrade. He doesn't know anything about property ownership. Kind of an idiot. Um." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Actually, I do own property. My grandfather left me a 60 acre working beet farm. I run it with my cousin, Mose. We sell beets to local stores and restaurants. It's a nice little farm. Sometimes teenagers use it for sex." } ], [ { "character": "Carol", "line": "Are we ready to sign some papers?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Actually, no. We have a couple of questions, about the neighborhood." }, { "character": "Bill", "line": "It's very safe. It's very clean. Also, it's very accepting of all lifestyles." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "It's a very gay-friendly neighborhood." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh. Good. That's good. It's good to be accommodating of that." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Let's go check out the master bedroom." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Stanley. Just played Dunder Ball with Toby. What about you, you got any games?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Yeah, I got a game. It's called \"work hard so my kids can go to college.\"" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Fair enough." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "This, my friends, is the master bedroom. Check out the cathedral ceilings. Those are like seventeen feet high. We have cable readiness. [points at wall] Right there. I am going to totally pimp this place out. I am going to put a surround sound system. I am going to put a plasma screen right against this wall." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh. Terrible idea." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm putting my bed right over here." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, no, no, no, no. This is a shared wall. Neighbor throws his wife into the wall, plasma screen hits the floor. Totally smashed." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, then I will get a warrantee." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Warrantees don't cover it, plus they're a rip-off." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well then I won't get a warrantee." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Shh Shh." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So that's the problem, is solved. What?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Listen. [puts ear to wall] Can you hear that? Oh man. These babies are thin." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[sings Olympic theme song] This scented candle ...andle ...andle. Which I found in the men's bathroom ...room ...room. Represents the eternal burning of competition. Or something." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "It smells like cookies." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes it does. Yes it does my friend. Ok, we will be competing for gold, silver and bronze yogurt lids." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Now the bronze are really blue, and they're also the back side of the gold, so no flipping. K? Honor system." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "I do play games. I sing and I dangle things in front of my cats. I play lots of games. Just not at work." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Let the games begin. [sings Olympic theme]" } ], [ { "character": "Carol", "line": "And then, I just need you to sign here at this arrow." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What kind of mortgage did you get?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh... Ten year." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "Well, ten over thirty, so thirty year total." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What? Wha? You said ten." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "Ten year fixed, over thirty. Thirty year total." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ho, thirty years." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok, ok, ok." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wow, you'll be paying this off in your mid-seventies." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Forget about retiring when you're 65. Hey, I've got an idea. You know that extra bedroom? If the whole girlfriend thing never happens, that's where the nurse can live." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok. Alright. Oh boy." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, this is it." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "Whenever you're ready." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um. Oh. [moves stove burner] Oh, ok. Is that suppose to come off?" }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "Actually yes." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey, look! Cool. Carpenter ants." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um. I'm going to take a little breather for a second. Excuse me." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "We'll be here waiting for you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, man." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "A thirty year mortgage at Michael's age essentially means that he's buying a coffin. If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn't hear the other dead people." } ], [ { "character": "Carol", "line": "Whenever you're ready, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh. [breathes deeply, head at knees]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "You have what is the national sport of Icelandic paper companies. And I'm blanking on the name, can you help me out Pam?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Jim, they refer to it as Flonkerton." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hum." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "In English, box of paper snowshoe racing." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Fair enough, but I like Flonkerton." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "The thing about Jim, is when he's excited about something, like the Office Olympics, he gets really into it and he does a really great job. But the problem with Jim is that he works here, so that hardly ever happens." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "So, who will be challenging Kevin in Flonkerton? Anyone?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I'll do it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes! Phyllis! [claps] Phyllis, just put your foot right through here [lifts strap on box of paper]. Right through the flonk." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "The ceilings are lower than they were last week. That, I don't... I don't..." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "...know if you showed me this same unit or not." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "Michael, this is the unit you saw and..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Where are all the hot people? I was told that there would be all these attractive singles." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "Who told you that?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "As far as I can tell, I'm the best-looking person here." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "There's a basic principle in real estate, that you should never be the best-looking person in the development. It's just sorta common sense, because if you are, then you've no place to go but down." } ], [ { "character": "Carol", "line": "Is this a financial thing? If it's a financial thing, what some people do is they rent out the third bedroom." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, no." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "That's some extra income for you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am not going to rent the third bedroom. I want a price reduction or I am a-walkin." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "You will lose $7,000 if you walk away right now." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ehhhh...." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I made the right decision. I'm glad I signed. I'm a homeowner. Right? Good to be a homeowner. Diversifying. This is good. This is fun. We're having fun." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Totally having fun. Can you imagine those poor saps stuck at the office today? [laughs]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Here we go. Here we go." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Go! Go! Go!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Pair of shoes!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dig deep, dig deep! OHHHhhh! It's Phyllis!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's Phyllis!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Phyllis by a nose. Gold medal in Flernenton." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Flonkerton." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thank you, delegate from Iceland." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Wow!" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[empties bowl of M&M's into his mouth]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow! Ok. No one else should even try! Gold medals! Give him medals. Wow." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "There's something else Dwight wanted to talk to you about. I have a surprise for you, for helping me out today." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You didn't have to..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no. I insist. I insist. Because you've really done some great work. Great work. And that is why, I am going to let you move into my third bedroom and pay me rent." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why did I do it? Because I believe in rewarding people for their efforts. Ah. I rewarded Dwight with the room, and he is rewarding me back, ah, with $500 plus utilities." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I don't even know what to say." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm thinking, lock into a four year commitment, we'll go month to month after that. Or, until I start dating, have a girlfriend, then you're, you know, you're gone." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Question. Where can I put my terrarium?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What the hell is a terrarium?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's a fish tank for snakes and lizards." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, so an aquarium. Ah, that will not come into this place." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Question. My grandparents left me a large number of armoires." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Are you sure you don't want to play?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I'm sure." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Come on Angela, don't you have a game?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I have one, yes." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, let's play, what is it?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I call it Pam Pong. I count how many times Jim gets up from his desk and goes to reception to talk to you." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We're friends." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Apparently." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Very nicely done. I think that's H-O-R for Stanley, and H-O for Phyllis." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Are you calling me a ho?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh my god. Phyllis, coming alive. I like it." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Question. What about carpooling, who pays for the gas?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We take separate cars." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Question. Can sometimes I drive your car and you drive mine?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why would we do that?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Just for fun?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Question. Who is the primary on the fire insurance?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "EHHHHNT. Game over. Offer revoked. Dwight. I'm sorry, but you reach out and you try to be a nice guy, and help out a friend, and this is what happens. This is what I get. Oh god. I'm ... Ok." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thank god. It was nice of him to offer, but I live in a nine bedroom farm house. I have my own crossbow range. It's a perfect situation for me. Although two bathrooms would have been nice, we just have the one. And it's under the porch." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Ah..." }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "OH!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Who had someone from Vance Refrigeration?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I did." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ryan Howard. Ryan! [claps] Gold medal." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I made something for our closing ceremonies." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What? [looks in box] Oh my god. Where did you have time to make that?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Automatic voicemail." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright Pam, alright [gives her hi-five]. Nice work!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[sees Angela making check mark on tally sheet]" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "A little bit more and I would have had it." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You know you can always refinance your mortgage. We had a 15 year on our beet farm. We paid it off early." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, well, you know what? Nobody cares about your stupid beet farm. Beets are the worst." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "People love beets." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nobody likes beets." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Everybody loves beets." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nobody likes beets, Dwight. Why don't you grow something that everybody does like? You should grow candy. I'd love a piece of candy right now. Not a beet." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Let's get this roof going." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Stop it! [smacks Dwight's arm]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ow." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Final lap. Final lap. Time to beat is 1:15." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Oscar!" }, { "character": "Crowd", "line": "Go! Go! Go!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Time to beat is one minute, 15 seconds. Here they come. [Michael and Dwight enter] Guys?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What is going on?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nothing. Guys? Timer's still going? Er?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's my stopwatch." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[hands expense report to Oscar] Here you go. All done." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Great." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, I filled out the expense reports. That took about five minutes and then I closed two sales at lunch time. So, about as productive as any other day. If not more so." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I figured I could throw it away now, or I could keep it for a couple of months and then throw it away. I mean, it was really nice of Pam to make them, but what am I going to do with a gold medal made of paper clips and an old yogurt lid?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I have 59 voicemails." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mmm. Hey, can you ignore those and do something for me instead?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Sure." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, today. 5 o'clock. Closing Ceremonies." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Notify the athletes." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Cool." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah. Jim. Slim Jim. What's going... What's going on?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nothing. I just wanted to congratulate you on your condo." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh. Thanks. Thanks. It's very cool. It's a three bedroom, gay-friendly." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nice." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, would you mind coming out here for a second? I just have something for you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "What's this?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "These are the Closing Ceremonies. Step up. You're on the top one. [Michael stands on podium] Congratulations to Michael, because he closed on his condo. So, gold medal. [everyone claps]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't really know what to say. Um, I'm not one for making speeches, but ah, my heart is very full at this moment." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And for Dwight Schrute, the silver medal." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Get up here, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Silver medal." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yep, not as good as gold. [national anthem plays] Why are you playing the national anthem?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Um... 'Cause your condo's in America." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh. [doves move across cord] What the hell is that?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Those are the doves." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey. Morning." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, Pam? Can I see you in here for a second? It's important, so..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay. What? What is this?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I found Dwight's wallet in the parking lot." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, my God. What are we gonna do?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what the best play is. Do we tear everything up, or do we buy a horse on the Internet? I mean, I don't know what to do. What do you think?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I know. I know what to do." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, what?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay. Put everything back exactly how you found it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, Dwight. Jim and I found your wallet in the parking lot." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What did you do to it?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nothing." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm serious. What did you do to it?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Dwight, I swear, we didn't do anything." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Nice try. [on the phone] Cancel card. Cancel card. Cancel... card." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I mean, you've got, you've got stuff here. You rented \"Mermaids.\" You can't... It's a movie. You can't deduct that, you know that." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "It's not an office expense." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yes, thank you." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Next year, you should file your stuff in a basket." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Remember last year he slipped by with \"Stripes.\" He rented \"Stripes,\" he had it for a week." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Please..." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "And that got through, so maybe he's thinking he can do that from now on." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Please, please. Please." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What are the specs?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, okay. I'll tell you. Let's see here. Three bedroom, two bath..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[talking over Michael] Nice." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "...contemporary townhouse. Two car parking..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[talking over Michael] Yes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "...wall-to-wall carpets..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[talking over Michael] God, what a steal." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "...all fixtures included. Yes, this is... This is looking good." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Does it have a deck?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I think it does." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Have you seen it?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Does it have a deck?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I think it has a... Yeah, it has a deck. They call it a porch, but it has a deck." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "When a man is laying on his deathbed there are four things that go through his mind. Was I well-loved? Check. Did I express myself? Did I let my light shine through? Check. Will an attractive woman cry at my funeral? Check. Probably more than one. Check. Check, check, check, check. Lastly, did I achieve success and own real estate? And when I close on this condo, I will be able to check that one as well." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "What do you call it? Schruteball?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay. How about skeet Schruteing?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Did you just come up with that?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Mmm-hmmm." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That is good. That's it. That's what it is." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow. [cup tinkles]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, oh." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, Somebody went in. That was a team effort, Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Home owner. About to join an exclusive club, Dwight. Maybe some day these people out here will know what that feels like. Maybe not. Who knows? Not my problem. [groans]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's time." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Are we ready?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Are we gonna do it?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "This is all mine. All the way down around the corner. It's a shared space, but I can use it whenever I want to," }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, so I called in a favor to my buddy at the police department." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ah, the volunteer Sheriff station." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Same thing." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Um, these are the crime statistics for the surrounding square mile over the past four years." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, anything bad?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Two charges of loitering," }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mmm-hmm." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "one noise complaint, several speeding tickets." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mmm-hmm." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Do you own a gun?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'd think about it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't need a gun." }, { "character": "Man", "line": "Hello?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hello! How are you? I'm, uh, just about to close on 126 over there and I guess we're going to be neighbors. Very cool, very cool. So, uh, so what's the vibe? What's the vibe of this place?" }, { "character": "Man", "line": "Uh, I don't know. It's pretty quiet." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh... That's gonna change. [laughing]" }, { "character": "Man", "line": "Why?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Because I loves to party and I'm gonna be partying my butt out at this place." }, { "character": "Man", "line": "Okay, but there's an 11:00 noise curfew." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hi, I am Dwight Schrute, Mr. Scott's associate." }, { "character": "Man", "line": "Who is Mr. Scott?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Him. I have got a couple of questions about the neighborhood. Have you had any problems with prostitution, crack dealing, gang violence, etcetera?" }, { "character": "Man", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Here's a question for you. I have a convertible. Is it safe that park that in my driveway. [Man steps back inside his house and shuts the front door] All right. See you soon. Good guy. Um, cool." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "So it's like volleyball." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Okay, you get a one-second hold on the ball..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mmm-hmm." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "...and you bounce it off the wall on your side of the tape." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, okay. Oh, do... that's what the tape is for. I didn't know." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Yeah, Michael asked about it once. I just pretended not to hear him. He left." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I think I'm going to make myself some microwave popcorn. [humming] Press \"Popcorn.\" Oh, that's gonna be delicious. I just love having popcorn in the middle of the afternoon. You know what? I could do with some hot chocolate as well. Oh, drat. I can't make hot chocolate and popcorn at the same time, unless, I can. Boom! Second microwave for le hot chocolat." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "Hello." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, Carol. Hello, how are you?" }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "Hello, hi. Hey, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good to see you." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, boy. This whole condo's shifting. It's like this place was built on ancient Indian burial ground." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, Phyllis, Do you have any games that you play in the office?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "What do you mean?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Um, like stapler tennis or something like that." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Second bedroom for the ladies. I mean, the extra ladies who aren't in my bed, or for friends or family, whoever wants to pop on by to casa de Scott. And right in here... What, what's in here? Uh-oh, bedroom number three. What are we gonna do in there? Limitless possibilities." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Seal it off." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What? [toilet flushing] What are you doing in there?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Fill it full of cotton or soundproof insulation." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, my God. Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Seal it off with drywall so you don't hear Yo-Yo Ma over there all the time." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what I might do, I might make this into a kids' room." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Kids? You don't even have a girlfriend." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I will have a girlfriend once she sees this place. I'm gonna get married and I'm gonna have kids." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, that depends on how old she is. What if your girlfriend is 55?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm not gonna date a 55-year-old woman." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Just a possibility." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, it's not. Just shut up." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "If you fall in love with her." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're an ass. Shut it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I smell mold." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, you don't." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Living on a farm, your sense of smell gets very sharp. For example, there are beets in the condo two doors down that way. And someone over there, I believe, is a big fan of olives." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm gonna back out of the deal. Nothing personal, but I feel like I have been taken advantage of here." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "How?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "This smells of fraud to me. This whole thing just kind of stinks." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[looking into his coffee mug] What the hell?" } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Sure, can I ask who's calling? Just a second." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Jim Halpert. What? How did you get this number? Stalker." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Katy and Jim met in the office. And now I guess they're like going out, or dating, or something. And, uh... I don't know! You know? They're just... She calls him, and they... You know, I'm sorry. I feel like I'm talking really loud. Am I talking really loud?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "So we're still on for lunch? You're meeting me here? Okay. Great. Bye." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[to Jim] Hey! You can just give her your extension." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Howard, slash Ryan, Ryan Howard is sitting in my office. And he has been a temp here for a couple of months and he's kind of gotten the lay of the land a little bit. Had a few laughs along the way. And now he wants to know what I think." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "The temp agency wants to know what you think." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Shall we? Let us proceed. First up, proficiency in necessary skills. Aaaaeeexcellent! [laughs]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael's in there right now evaluating the temp. He hasn't evaluated me in years." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Five years from now, what do you want to do? Where do you want to be?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Ah, well, I'm interested in business." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh! Good. Ambitious. Excellent. Want to be a manager?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Uh, no, actually, uh, what I want is to own my own company." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That is ridiculous." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ryan's about to attend the Michael Scott School of Business. I'm like Mr. Miyagi and Yoda rolled into one." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[speaks in a Yoda voice] Much advice you seek. [regular voice] Do you know who that is?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Fozzie bear?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mmm... No. That was Yoda." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "There are ten rules of business that you need to learn. Number one: You need to play to win. But... you also have to win to play." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Got it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And I will give you the rest of the ten at lunch." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[to Ryan] [makes clicking noises like shooting a gun] Hey!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael and I have a very special connection. He's like Batman, I'm like Robin. He's like the Lone Ranger, and I'm like Tonto. And it's not like there was the Lone Ranger, and Tonto, and Bonto." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[in background, on phone] But it says no late fee... ." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[alarm sounds] People!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Okay! Everybody!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "This is not a test! Move to the exits!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Do not panic!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Head towards the exits." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Safety partners." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Get up off your desks!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Do not panic." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[in phone] No, I don't hear it? Alright." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, panic is warranted!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Go in single file lines." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[in phone] No, no. Finish the..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "This is not at drill!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Arms at your sides! Arms at your sides!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Please, move quickly! This is a paper company, people! Step lively!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Go, let's go." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "This whole place is a tinder box, it is ready to blow!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "This is not a test! Can you leave?!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh, you say that every time." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "DO YOU WANT TO DIE?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh, boy..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Do you want to die? OUT!!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Alright, let's go, let's go." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "STANLEY! Have you ever seen a burn victim?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Come on, you're safety partners!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Move to the exits!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "You're safety partners!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "We've got smoke! We've got smoke! Smoke! Gah! [Spots Kelly] Oh, Kelly! You're okay! I've got you!" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I'm okay!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Cover your nose and mouth. Breathe through your nose." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Let go of me!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Breathe through your nose. Remove your stockings. Okay? They'll melt right into your flesh! Stay below the smoke line. Let's go! Clear out, stat! STAT MEANS NOW!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, I was the first one out. And, yes, I've heard women and children first. But, we do not employ children. We are not a sweat shop. Thankfully. And, uh, women are equal in the workplace by law. So, I let them out first, I have a lawsuit on my hands." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Another rule of business is being able to adapt to different situations." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Adapt. React. Re-adapt. Act. All right? That's rule number two." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, guys, listen up, we need a head count. We need to count off. Michael's number one. Where is he? Where is he?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "So what was rule two?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Ah... adapt, react, re-adapt, act." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, well, let's... . let's kind of take it a little slower." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey, Michael. Um... Ryan needs his number for the count off." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, uh, well, one is taken." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Uh, okay, two?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "NO!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Okay... uh, sorry?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, he can have 14. Marjory's not here today." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, he needs a permanent number, right?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "No." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "...I don't." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, you know what else? I thought of a nickname for the three of us. Three Musketeers." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um, yeah. Okay. That... No, no, no. I got one. I got one. The Three Stooges." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's funny, too. But if we're the Three Musketeers..." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I don't want to be like \"a guy\" here. You know? Like, Stanley is the \"crossword puzzle guy\". And Angela has cats. I don't want to have a thing... here. You know, I don't want to be the \"something guy\"." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, you know what? I am going to be, uh, setting the agenda here. Okay? Can everybody gather up, please? Important announcement. Very important announcement. I think this is a perfect opportunity for all of us to participate in some really intense, psychologically revealing conversations. So we're going to be playing Desert Island, umm, Who Would You Do?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Ooh." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And, um..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "...Would You Rather?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Would You Rather. Would You Rather is our third game." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[to firemen] Hey guys, great response time. Listen up, I got some theories. Okay, there's a..." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, so... three books on a desert island? Angela." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "The Bible." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "That's one book. You've got two others." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "A Purpose Driven Life." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nice. Third book?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay. Phyllis." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Um, The DaVinci Code." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "The DaVinci Code!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nice." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I would take The DaVinci Code... so I could burn The DaVinci Code." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay. Great, that's going to keep you warm for like 7 seconds. Question: is there fire wood on the island?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I guess." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Then I would bring an axe, no books." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh, it has to be a book, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Fine. Physician's Desk Reference." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nice. Smart." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "...hollowed out, inside: waterproof matches, iodine tablets, beet seeds, protein bars, NASA blanket, and, in case I get bored, Harry Potter and Sorcerer's Stone. No, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Question: did my shoes come off in the plane crash?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Rule number four. In business, image is everything - Andre Agassi. This car is an investment. Right? If I have to take out a client or I'm seen around Scranton in it. I love it. I love this car. Do you like it?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay. Thought people read more books." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "DVDs! Five movies. What would you bring to the island? Yes! Meredith?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Legends of the Fall, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, Legally Blond, Bridges of Madison County..." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Legends of the Fall?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow. Bridges of Madison County, Legally Blond, these movies are just... ." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, I kind of liked Legal..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wait, wait, wait. Pam. No. Do you understand? The... the game is Desert Island Movies, not guilty pleasure movies. Desert Island Movies are the movies you're going to watch for the rest of your life! Forever! Unforgivable." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I take it back." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Unforgivable." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I take it back!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Good." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "...and Ghost. But, ah, just that one scene..." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Is this your car, Ryan?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wow, some pretty big books back there, huh?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[to Dwight] Don't..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Good shocks." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hello, Mr. Egghead! Woop! So... oh, Stanley Kaplan! I know him. 'M' is for Murder, 'P' is for..." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "That's actually a test prep book." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "...for Phone. What?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "That's a test prep for business school." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um, oh, thinking about business school?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I just got in. I applied, I go at night." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So you think you know a lot about business?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "No, not yet." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh huh." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Just started." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah. Quiz me." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I... wouldn't even know where to start." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Come on, egghead. Let's do it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Do it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Quiz me up." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "All right, um... Why have people been rethinking the Microsoft model in the past few years?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh..." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "When I was Ryan's age, I worked in a fast food restaurant, to save up money for school. And then I spe... lost it in a pyramid scheme. But I learned more about business, right then and there, than business school would ever teach me, or Ryan would ever teach me." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Is it cheaper to sign a new customer? Or to keep an existing customer?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Keep an existing..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[to Dwight] Shut, it. Can I... can I just do it please? [to Ryan] Uh, it's equal." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "It is ten times more expensive to sign a new customer." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. Yes! It was a trick question." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, but look, I mean, he didn't need business school. Okay, Michael comes from the school of hard knocks." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Self taught. You didn't even go to college." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what, Dwight? You don't need to help me here. Okay? Well, you know... Maybe you should go to business school like Ryan, then... then you'd know what you're talking about." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[scoffs] Come on. I'm studying with the master, huh?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "For instance, why don't you go to business..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[to Ryan] You should learn from him, right?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I am." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Right?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I am." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Stop. Dwight. You know what? You're acting like a dork. Would you cool it? Please. Okay. Hey! He's not your five year old brother, Dwight. He's a valued member of this company... and you know what? He knows more about business than you ever will." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Stupid!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I did not go to business school. You know who else didn't go to business school? LeBron James, Tracy McGrady, Kobe Bryant. They went right from high school to the NBA. So... so it's not the same thing. At all." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Look at this stuff. Market fragments. What is that supposed to be?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "It's a way of looking at consumers as subsets of a larger client base." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You are so smart. You are so eff-in' smart. You should be teaching me." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Pam? Get us back into it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Five movies. Go ahead." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Um, Fargo, um, Edward Scissorhands, Dazed and Confused..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ooh, definitely in my top five." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes. In my top three, so suck it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Breakfast Club. Um... The Princess Bride and..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay that's five." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, my all time favorite!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Pam, play by the rules." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "All time favorite." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Play by the rules. Dwight. All time favorite movie." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The Crow." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I became a salesman... because of people, I love making friends. But then I was promoted to manager, at a very young age. I still try to be a friend first, but... You know? I'm very successful... your coworkers look at you differently. Huu, what do you think?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Maybe we should get some air." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nah, I'm okay." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I'm really uncomfortable." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right. Let's move on. Let's move on to the main event. Who Would You Do?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Present company excluded?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Um, not neccessari..." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Pam." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Pam." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Um... okay. Ah, you know what? Maybe I'll... I'll finish explaining the rules. Let's... let me explain it first, and then..." }, { "character": "song", "line": "[\"Everybody Hurts\" by R.E.M.] Think you've had too much / in this life." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, so we'll get right... You know what? I'll be right back. Stanley, you're taking over for me, buddy. I'll be right back." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Okay, um..." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dwight. Dwight." }, { "character": "Song", "line": "Everybody hurts," }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Come on Dwight! Use words." }, { "character": "Song", "line": "Sometim... ." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Why didn't I go to business school?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Who goes to business school?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The temp." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "He does?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, it's all him and Michael talk about anymore." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You know, I bet Ryan thinks to himself 'I wish I were a volunteer sheriff on the weekends'." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "He doesn't even know that I do that." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You should tell him." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh yeah, Pam. Right. That's going to help things, just talk it out. I hope the war goes on forever and Ryan gets drafted." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Dwight." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm sorry I said that, I didn't... just part of me meant it. Besides, he'd end up being a hero anyway." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know what you should do? You should quit. And then, that would stick it to both of them." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh Jim, I'm not going to quit. Then Ryan wins." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah. You're right." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thanks you guys. I just need some alone time." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Kay." }, { "character": "Song", "line": "Everybody hurts" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright buddy." }, { "character": "Song", "line": "Everybody cries" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Hey! Guys, what's going on?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nothing." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey!" }, { "character": "Song", "line": "Everybody hurts" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "What's up? Can I hang out with you guys for a bit?" }, { "character": "Song", "line": "Sometimes" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "The warehouse guys are a bunch of jackasses sometimes." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Come on people, you know the rules of the game now." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, hey. Game, what game are we playing here?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Okay. It's called Who Would You Do?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, I play this at home all the time while I'm falling asleep. What, uh... . Where are we? Where are we here? Mmm.. Roy? Roy? Who would you do, Roy?" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Uh... Oh, I got it! Uh, what's the name of that, uh, tight ass, uh, Christian, uh, chick. The, uh, the blond?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "My name is Angela." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Hey, Angela! Roy. Nice to meet you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Aaaall right. Who's next, who's next, who's next, who's? Jim? You're next. Who would you do?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Um... Kevin, hands down. Yeah. He's really got that teddy bear thing going on, and afterwards, we could just watch bowling." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, I would definitely have sex with Ryan. 'Cause he is going to own his own business." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "You're all gay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Who's, uh... Who's next? Who we got? Whooo..." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[answers phone] Hey, no, I can talk, I can talk, I can talk... this is great timing." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wish I had my cell phone, but I left it inside. So..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Would that make you happy?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What's that?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "If you had your cell phone, it would make you happy?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm on it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight. Hey!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "You can't go in yet!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight, don't! He is an idiot. The man is an idiot, ladies and gentlemen." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "What if he dies in the fire? And that's the last thing you ever said to him." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I didn't say it to him. I said it about him." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "...Jim." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Definitely Jim." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Definitely, definitely, Jim." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Come on, Pam." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "How about you Pam?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Um... Oscar's kind of cute." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yeah, I like Oscar." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ooh, Toby!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[in the background] How long does it take to find a cell phone? I don't know either." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Is there anybody else." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[clears his throat]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[on the phone] Hey, where are you? Oh good. Yeah. We're just here, we're playing Desert Island. It's when you pick your five favorite DVDs..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Seriously, where the hell is Dwight? Hey, call my cell phone. It'll make it easier for him to find." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "What's your number?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I gave it to you in the car." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Um..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I saw you program it in." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "You got to... you got to give it to me again." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. Alright." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Now I have it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh, I better tell somebody. [to fireman] Excuse me, sir..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[coughing]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight!? Great goin'. God, Man! Why did you go in there? What... Everybody was scared out of their wits, man? Oooh." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[coughing] Everyone, okay? Uh, I have an announcement. Apparently, in business school, they don't teach you how to operate a toaster oven. Because some smart, sexy temp left his cheese pita on oven instead of timing it for the toaster thing." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wow. Okay. Well, I guess they don't teach how to operate a toaster oven in business school." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's exactly what I said." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, did you miss that day there, Ryan?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Were you absent?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Toaster Oven 101?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You failed?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I am so sorry." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey! I know what'll impress everybody, I'll start a fire. Oh, man. Bad idea. Bad idea jeans." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I have a song. Attention, everyone! That I want to sing. That I wrote especially for this occasion when I was up there among the flames. Ready? [sings to Billy Joel's \"We Didn't Start the Fire\"] Ryan started the fire! It was always burning since the world's been turning!" }, { "character": "Dwight & Michael", "line": "[singing] Ryan started the fire! It was always burning---" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Everybody!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[singing] ...since the world was turning." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I can't believe I started the fire." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight & Michael", "line": "[sing gibberish to \"We Didn't Start the Fire\"]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[singing] ... Marilyn Monroe!" }, { "character": "Dwight & Michael", "line": "[singing] Ryan started the fire! It was always burning..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Eat it! You gotta eat it. You have to eat it!" } ], [ { "character": "Katy", "line": "Hi!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "How are you?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Good, how are you?" }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "I'm good. It's good to see you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Good to see you, too." }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "I'm hungry." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, I am too." }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "Oh, I have been thinking the whole way over and I have my answers." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What answers?" }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "Um, for the... the desert island." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh! Right! Right, right, right, come-ah on, on, on. [to everyone] Ladies and gentlemen! Gather around! We have one more participant. Come on, be polite. Be polite. [to Katy] Desert Island. Five movies. Go." }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "Okay, um, first, Legally Blond." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I forgot what a super, nice girl Katy is. And just... good for Jim! They are so cute together. And, um, what an adorable car." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, I think the game's over... People are like leaving. There was a bigger crowd last time. Do you just want to go to lunch?" }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah?" }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "Alright! You want to drive?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Sure." }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "Alright." } ], [ { "character": "Katy", "line": "[looking at Roy and Pam] They are soo cute." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I'm really sorry, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Answer me this, though." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Was it worth it? Was it worth it temp?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Was it worth it?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I'm really sorry, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The fire guy! The fire guy!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[sings] Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Studebaker, television, North Korea, South Korea, Marilyn Monroe, Ryan started the fire!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. Rule five - safety first, i.e. don't burn the building down. Okay? That should be a no brainer." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh... look! Ryan is book smart. And I am street smart. And book smart." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'll give you the rest of the ten tomorrow." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Seventy and clear, that's nice. Where's that?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That's here." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm Michael's number two. He's one, I'm two. He's Alpha, I'm Beta. He's A, I'm B. It's easy. Whatever Michael is, I'm one less." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Rule three: Reach for the stars. And if you fail, see rule four. Rule four: Failure is not an option." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, my God. Ryan is gonna love these." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. And at the end I will reveal, that they were all just one rule." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That is so cool." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mmm-hmm." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Plus you can go, \"Rule five, see rule six. Rule six, see rule five.\"" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I'm not trying to trick him. I'm trying to be a good mentor. So..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Kill or be killed." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Shoot to kill, or kill to shoot." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, come on, Dwight, I have to have 10 of these by lunch, I promised Ryan." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You could ask for an extension." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm not asking the temp for an extension unless I really need it." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I know Michael's every move. It's not something you can just pick up. I could write a book about him. Literally. I started once, but Michael made me stop." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey, how's it going, man?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Good. What's up?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, nothing much. What's up with you?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I'm good, thanks." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Good. Good, I'm good, too. How's it cracking?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Uh, fine. What's up?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You know what you would love? Guns N' Roses. When I was your age, I loved Guns N' Roses. Do you like Guns N' Roses? I'll make you a tape." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Cool." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'll make you two tapes." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I don't have a tape player. So..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Someday, temp. I've got a couple of shirts that don't fit so well anymore. I'll bring them by. Okay, see you later." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael and I have a very special connection, like an umbilical cord. And the thing is with Ryan is that I don't want him to trip on it, or get it caught around his neck." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Sixty-three, sixty-four, sixty-five, sixty-six, sixty-seven, sixty-eight. [snickering] Sixty-nine. Seventy. Seventy-one, seventy-two, seventy-three." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I like fire drills. You know what's the greatest? Like, when you were in school and the teacher would let you have class outside." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, the best." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, it was great because it was like you're supposed to be working, but nothing ever gets done." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, we had outside classes all the time and we never did anything." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[chuckling]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Actually if I had fewer outside classes, I probably wouldn't be stuck here at a paper company." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You're not stuck." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yes, there is a real fire, but it's okay. Everyone got out fine. This is why you practice these things." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, yes, I ran out first. A captain is always the first one on the ship and the last one off the ship. And this parking lot is our ship when the building is on fire. So, I ran out onto the ship." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, DVDs. Five movies. What would you bring to the island? Toby, go ahead." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Say Anything, The Shining, Annie Hall, that's too obvious." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Those are like my favorite movies. I didn't really think you could win Desert Island, but I think you just did." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Toy Story 2, one of the best movies I ever saw. I went for my daughter and stayed because you can't leave your daughter in a theater." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Toby and I used to sit together until Michael moved us because he thought we talked too much." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Kevin, do it." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Uh, Cannonball Run, Cannonball Run II, [snickering] Weekend at Bernie's, Weekend at Bernie's II, and, oh, Groundhog Day." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Groundhog Day." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I have a client who watches that movie once a week, at least." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I should put you in touch with him. Maybe we could get together and work on that account." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I would love that." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, guys, guys, guys. That almost sounded like business, and we are trying to focus here today, okay?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "When I was Ryan's age, I worked at Arby's and then I worked selling cutlery for a while. Cutlery that could decimate a penny, I kid you not. There were these shears that could cut straight through a penny. So I have life experience and work experience that Ryan doesn't, and will never have." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "And then you go to school for three years." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "For two years, and it's only at night, and then it's on your resume forever." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow. And just out of curiosity, how much is it?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "$650 bucks" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "A semester?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "A credit." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "It's an investment." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, yeah, it sounds like it." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I think it's worth it." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "If I could change the life of one person, just one person. I... Actually, that's shooting kind of low. I already did that when I was born. I changed two people's lives. Mom and Dad. Um, if I could change the lives of 5,000 people... 10,000. No, five. I'd be satisfied with 5,000. I... 10,000 though, that'd be something. Wow, 10,000 people. Because, you know what? Even one is amazing." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Happy Halloween, everyone! [notices Pam, in her cat costume] Oh... that's great!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey... Happy Halloween. Jan called." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ohh... OK." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know why she's calling. It's the end of the month, and I was supposed to let somebody go by the end of the month. And somehow I'm supposed to put on a costume and smile. [dials a number on his speaker phone] Okay." }, { "character": "Sherri", "line": "[on phone] Jan Levinson's office." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, Sherri. Michael Scott returning." }, { "character": "Sherri", "line": "Oh, she's in a meeting. Uh, she just wanted the name of the employee you let go." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, I'm gonna wait till the end of the day. Because the book said it's best to wait till the end of the day." }, { "character": "Sherri", "line": "I just need the name of who you're planning to let go." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't know... yet. I will have to call her back." }, { "character": "Sherri", "line": "I know she wanted the name." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay... Sherri?" }, { "character": "Sherri", "line": "Yeah?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "If you were getting fired, how would you wanna be told so you could still be friends with the person firing you?" }, { "character": "Sherri", "line": "Jan wants the name as soon as possible, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thanks." }, { "character": "Sherri", "line": "Mm-Hmm." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'll call her back. [talks softy, to himself] Wish I could fire Sherri." }, { "character": "Sherri", "line": "Hey, I'm still here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay! I'm sorry." }, { "character": "Sherri", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No?" }, { "character": "Sherri", "line": "OK." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Bye." }, { "character": "Sherri", "line": "Hanging up now." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I mean you hear about layoffs in the news, but when you actually have to do it yourself, it is heavy stuff. It's... these are people's lives you're talking about." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[entering] You wanted me?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[notices Michael's costume] Papier-mache?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hmm." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeeesh." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Mm-hmm." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um, Pam, I have to let somebody go today. This is, uh, the hardest thing I've ever had to do." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Why did you put it off until Halloween?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Because it's very scary stuff." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I think it's gonna put a damper on the party a little." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're worried about the party? There's a man's life at stake here." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "So it's a man?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. Or a woman. A human life. If you had to guess, who it would be based on their job performance... and who you think deserved to be fired - who would that be?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I just answer the phone." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And... sometimes you just let it go to voicemail." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You're costume is fantastic! [laughs]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know. I sent away for it in July from a catalog. [bobs his head around, causing the costume head to jiggle around]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh no, don't, don't, don't, don't. [Michael laughs] Aah! [laughs, then leaves] Okay..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, man. Okay, I have to fire somebody." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[eyeing Jim's costume] What is that?! What are you supposed to be?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm a three hole punch version of Jim. 'Cause you can have me either way. Plain White Jim, or Three-hole Punch." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "That's great!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, yeah." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, well look... [pulls his hood over his head and pops up his light saber] What about me?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "What are you? A monk?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I am a Sith Lord. [looks at Jim] Oh big deal. Three round pieces of paper taped to a shirt. This cost me 129 dollars." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Ass." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You guys excited about the party?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's gonna be fun." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[looks to Oscar] Oh, boy... look at you! Haha. Showing your colors. Bet you wish you wore a dress every day." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What are you implying?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All good. Happy Halloween. What happened to all those spooky decorations that we had? The cobwebs and such?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "You know, I don't know. We put them all up last night." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, you know what? Go buy some more. I'll approve the overages. Sound good?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good. Oh, yeah, also about budget stuff. Um, I'm going to need you to find, like a, a full employee salary, plus benefits, like fifty grand. I'm going to need you to find 50 grand in the numbers." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "But we don't keep two sets of books." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, that's not what I'm saying. Just, you know, find it. Pretend that your jobs depend on it." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mmm-hm-hmm. Interesting take on Dorothy. I love it. Hey, you know what would even be better? Soccer ball and cleats." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Why is that?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "\"Bend It Like Beckham.\"" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh, like ... the movie about the Indian girl who plays soccer?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[laughs] Yeah. That would be perfect." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Yeah, I mean, I guess I could do that. I don't really play soccer or anything." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, I don't really have two heads. So..." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wait, what are you again? Oh, right... Three-hole PUNCH! [punches Jim in the chest and cracks up laughing]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay, greatest strength." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, okay..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "A dog-like obedience to authority" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nice." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "But that doesn't sound good." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, okay. Um, how 'bout, the ultimate team player? [Pam laughs and types]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dwight is... special. But, I don't believe that his talents are being used in this office. So Pam and I have put his resume on Monster.com, Google, Craig's List. We're really interested most in jobs that take Dwight out of state. Um, preferably Alaska... or India." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "He's a gun nut." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Um. He sticks to his guns." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Well, I looked through all the budgets. And there is one department..." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Yes?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "... that has three people..." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Yeah?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "... doing the work that could be done by two." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "This is great. [Angela shakes her head] Oh." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah. Oh." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Who do you think it should be?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jim. Definitely." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, Jim brings in money." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Phyllis." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Eh." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Stanley. Pam. Oscar. Meredith. Kevin. Angela." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's not a popularity contest. Although it does make sense to fire the least popular because it has the least effect on morale." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "One of the warehouse guys." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[turns to the fake head, listening] What? There was someone left off that list? Who?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Who is he saying?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're right, I didn't even think of him." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, that's actually a really good idea." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, not me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah... I could." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Not Dwight." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm not saying that's what he said." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I know that's what he said." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[listening to his head] What?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Tell him, not Dwight." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That is not a very nice thing to say about him." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Tell him to stop." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Are you kidding?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Quiet, you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I agree. He'd land on his feet." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Make him be quiet." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Those aren't chips and dip." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, I made brownies." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Uh!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "... What?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I'm just trying to figure out why you're sabotaging things." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I made brownies." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "And I made cookies. Same category." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm guessing Angela's the one in the neighborhood who gives the trick-or-treaters some toothbrushes. Pennies. Walnuts." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[on phone] Dunder-Mifflin. This is Pam. [listens] Uh, yeah. [snaps her fingers in the air, getting Jim's attention] Just one second. I will, uh, transfer you to our manager, Michael Scott." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Um... Whoa. [picks up ringing phone][in managerial voice] Michael Scott here. Yes, I am regional manager of this orifice. Mmm hmm. Dwight Schrute is amazing. Yeah. No, he is actually the single greatest employee of his generation. Mm hmm. You know what? I'm gonna tell you what. You hire Dwight K. Schrute, and if he does not meet, nay, exceed every one of your wildest expectations, well then, you can hold me, Michael Gary Scott, personally and financially responsible. Okay. Okay. Okay-kay-kay-kay-kay. Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Stanley, could you come with me, please." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "As Assistant Regional Manager..." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "To the." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Look! I've got some bad news. You're fired. You need to pack up your things and go. [Stanley laughs.] I'm serious, Stanley. It's over. I'm sorry." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[laughs, and imitates Donald Trump] You're fired. Get your fingers off my phone." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "So. How did it go with Stanley? How... how'd he take it?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "He wouldn't listen to me" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ahh, come on." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "If you want to fire him, you're going to have to tell him yourself." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't wanna fire Stanley. I never said that. I'm certainly not going to do it myself. Get those big, baleful, eyes staring at me. Yikes. Just, okay, just... [waves Dwight away]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[whispering on the phone] Cumberland Mills?! And how did you get my resume? Oh no, no. I'm very flattered. Don't get me wrong. I'm just not sure that it's my official resume or if it's something that maybe a satisfied customer posted online. What does it say under martial arts training? Oh. Okay, I'm gonna have to supplement that. Could I have your fax number?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Would I ever leave this company? Look, I'm all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I'm getting paid for here is my loyalty. But, if there were somewhere else that valued that loyalty more highly, I'm going wherever they value loyalty the most." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Oh... hey." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Oh, your dress is stuck in the back. Kind of just..." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Oh. [fixes his dress]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[on the phone] So you got the fax? So why didn't you add it to the res... ? What do you mean? Of course martial arts training is relevant. Oh, excuse me! I know about a billion Asians that would beg to differ. Uh, yeah, I get a little frustrated when I'm dealing with incompetence. Well, you know what? You can go to hell, too. And I will see you there... burning. Fine! Okay... oh wait! So you'll let me know when you've made a decis... [stops and hangs up phone.]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Jim is really talented. And he should be the one who's getting a better job offer. Like, for real." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Don't take this the wrong way, but... you should go for that job." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Um... it's in Maryland." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, but I mean, look at the salary. And it's definitely a step up. And a challenge." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah. Yeah. You know what? Maybe... maybe I will. [starts walking away]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Jim..." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "This is called leveraging an offer. [walks into Michael's office] Michael, can I talk to you for a moment?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, God." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I just thought you should know that I was just offered a job with better pay, better benefits and a better title at Cumberland Mills." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Fantastic!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And I turned it down." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What?! That would've solved all my problems." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Out of loyalty to this company..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, you idiot." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "... so I was hoping to be made Assistant Regional Manager officially." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "If you left, I wouldn't have to fire anybody." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "But then you wouldn't have me here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Big deal. Oh, it would've worked out so well. Can you get it back?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's in Maryland." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You can call. Can you call 'em?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I can't. I... I suppose I coul... no. They never really made me an offer anyway." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wohahah! Why are you torturing me?! God." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Honestly, I don't think Michael has the slightest clue of who he's gonna fire. I think he keeps hoping that someone's going to volunteer. Uh, or be run over by a bus before the deadline. But in the end, really, what's going to happen is it's gonna be the first person to give him a dirty look in the hall. And therein lies the true essence of his charisma." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[clearing his throat and interrupting Jim's talking head] Can I speak to you a minute?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Um... yes." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Michael, I really didn't mean to..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Help. Me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm sorry?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I want you to role play firing me. I want you to fire me, and I will take it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, you want me to be you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I want you to be me, and I will be Creed." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, are you firing Creed?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, no. That's just the first thing... came... in head." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "We should switch seats in order to..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, that's a good idea." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright. [they stand up] Excuse me.[They sit down] I'm really sorry, but I have to let you go. And it's purely budgetary. It's not personal..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Aaaahh! I'm gonna kill myself!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm going to kill myself, and it's your fault!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's an overreaction." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Corporate is really breathing down my neck. And they're saying this has to be done by the end of the month." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Is this you? Are you being you, or is this Creed? Are you..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I... this is Creed." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm improvising, so just try to keep up. [phone rings]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, hold that thought. Hold that thought." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And I'm very angry, and I want..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[picks up the phone] Michael Scott here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm gonna kill you. I'm going to kill you for firing me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Toby? Mm hmm. [looks back to Michael] I really have to take this Creed, so it was really worth..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Get off, get off. No, no. OK.. just get off.[sits back down in his chair and waves Jim off.] Just, just... yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "What happened?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It wasn't me." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh. That was like crazy. 'Cause I was..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, I know." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh, hey... Creed?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Huh?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Could I talk to you for a second?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "You are great. Very ambitious. And I feel like you want more than this little office has to offer. And I understand that you'd wanna just spread your wings, and fly the coop." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "What are you telling me?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I... we're gonna have to... You... you want something better." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "No, I don't. I wanna stay right here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, you wanna leave." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "No, I wanna stay here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why... why are you making this so hard?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Um, I think there's a misunderstanding, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I think you're right." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Can I go?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, of course you can't go. We haven't even started this horrible process of... okay, Creed. I need to let somebody go today. They told me I need to let somebody go. And as much as I think you're a great guy, and I like you, you're... you're, goodbye." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Let's fight it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hmm?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Let's call Jan and fight this thing together like the old days." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What old days? What are you talking about?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Did you start the paperwork yet?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's right here on the desk, yeah." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "You don't have to do this, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I can't, I can't..." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Undo it!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I can't change anything. This is the way..." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "No, you have the power to undo it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't... okay, just listen." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Michael, undo it!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Don't..." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, I went hunting once. Shot the deer in the leg, had to kill it with a shovel. Took about an hour. Why do you ask?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I have to fire someone today, okay?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Fine. Fire someone else. Fire Devon. He's terrible. I am so much better at my job than Devon." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, well... I already picked you. And you know that. So, unless I just go through with this, you're always gonna look at me as the guy who almost fired you." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "No, no, no, no, no, no. I will forget so fast. You will be my savior. You're they guy who gave me my life back. Thank you. I knew you'd see it my way Michael. God Bless you. You're a fine man." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Don't..." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Listen, you will not regret this either. Devon is terrible; No one's gonna miss him. Good, good, good." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Devon, could I talk to you for a sec?" } ], [ { "character": "Devon", "line": "Creed's an idiot, you know that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, he..." }, { "character": "Devon", "line": "No, no, no, no, no, no! You had it right the first time." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, maybe I did." }, { "character": "Devon", "line": "Exactly. You gotta go with your gut, man." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Huh. No! I can't, no. I can't go back. I would look like an idiot." }, { "character": "Devon", "line": "That's why I'm being fired?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Devon", "line": "So you might not look like an idiot?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. It was all the stuff that I said. It was the business downturn, the cutbacks, and, and..." }, { "character": "Devon", "line": "This is unbelievable!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I just hope that you and I can remain friends." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Devon, wait, please." }, { "character": "Devon", "line": "What!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Look, look. In addition to severance, and everything, I want to give you this gift certificate to Chili's. From me. Okay? No hard feelings." }, { "character": "Devon", "line": "[takes the gift certificate and tears it up] Kevin, Jim, Pam, Kelly, Toby, Oscar, Meredith, Phyllis, Stanley, or the temp. If any of you wanna meet me for a drink, I'm going to be at Poor Richard's. And the rest of you can go to hell!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[watching nearly everyone leave] What about the Halloween party?" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, hey, Jim. Wait, stop. Um, I'm sorry... for pushing you towards Cumberland. Seriously, if you left here, I would blow my brains out." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[motions for her to follow him] Come on." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's just a figure of speech, you know? Blow your brains out? Come on. All it really means is that we're friends. Who else is she gonna talk to if I'm gone, right? I mean, if she left, I wouldn't blow my brains out. Of course, I would take that job in Maryland. Because it's double the pay, and soft shell crab just happens to be my favorite food." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I love Halloween. You know, it's just, it's just fun. Every year, it's just fun. Last Halloween I came as Janet Jackson's boob. It was topical. People got a... a big kick out of it. The year before that, I came as Monica Lewinsky, and I wore a stained dress. The year before that, I also came as Monica Lewinsky. And before that, I was O.J. It was pretty funny. Oh, I wish you were here last year." } ], [ { "character": "Children", "line": "[ringing the doorbell of Michael's Condo] Trick or treat!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "He... Hey, hey, hey, hey! How you doing? Wow! You guys looks great." }, { "character": "Kid", "line": "I'm a bumble bee." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You look great! And you're a princess?" }, { "character": "Kid", "line": "A fairy princess." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "A fairy princess. You're very... ." }, { "character": "Kid", "line": "I'm a lion." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're a lion. [trying to to open a bag of candy] Wow, I want to hear your, your... Oh! [the bag tears open, spilling all the candy] Oh, okay, that's all yours. That's all yours. Grab it, grab it. You know what? You guys are getting all of these." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, you. Big Jim. And Phyllis. Working hard, Phyllis?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Mmm-hmm." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Of course. You're always working hard." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Thanks." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Keep it up. And there's Stanley. No costume? Well, no, not trying to fit in. I wish I had your confidence, I really do." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Something wrong, Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no. What could possibly be wrong? Everything's great. Just keep living your lives. Everything's gonna be fine. [sighing] You are all such wonderful, innocent people." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Hey, Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What's up, Hef?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What? What?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Michael, do you have the name of the employee you're letting go? I'd like to start working on out-placement." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Fine. If you are so anxious to see a head roll, it's you. There. You brought it on yourself. Too bad. Can't say that I'm sorry. It's a relief." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I don't report to you, Michael. I report to the head of HR in New York." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You asked for a name, I gave you a name. Now you're not doing your job. Why don't you just resign?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "They would just send someone else. You need to have an HR representative." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just know that if I could have fired you, I would have." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I know, Michael." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm going to have to do this Sopranos-style. Just whack him. Guys, could you take the freight elevator, please?" }, { "character": "Vance Refrigeration Worker #1", "line": "Hey, you wanna see a really messy show? Follow us around. Come to our office." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what? That's my foot." }, { "character": "Vance Refrigeration Worker #2", "line": "Ass, ass, ass..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You guys..." }, { "character": "Vance Refrigeration Worker #2", "line": "...ass, ass, ass, ass, ass..." }, { "character": "Vance Refrigeration Worker #1", "line": "Hi, Mom!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I will handle it in the best way possible, but in case he or she goes postal, you will be available to subdue. Am I correct?" }, { "character": "Hank", "line": "Who is it?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't know. Hey, are you on our payroll or are you employed by the building?" }, { "character": "Hank", "line": "Building." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, shoot. Okay, well, just have your pepper spray ready." }, { "character": "Hank", "line": "You're on your own." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right. All right, this is it. By the time I get back to our floor, I will have decided. [elevator bell dings] Wow, that's a fast elevator." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I have a proposal, everybody. Listen up. Now, Corporate has been really breathing down my neck to make some pay cuts, but I refuse to fire anyone. So, I was thinking that maybe all of you would take a 10% pay cut and that would save the money. Yeah?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Yeah, We're not doing that. I have kids in college. Make a decision." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, great. Fine. Well, then, if anyone is annoyed later at what goes down, you know who to blame. Stanley. Not the guy who was trying to be creative. [turns around to find Toby standing behind him]" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Michael, it's almost 5:00." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Leave me alone, okay?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do you want some coffee?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "No, no. I had some, thanks." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[slurping] Oh, wow. How long have you worked here? How many years, Creed?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Fifteen years, I think." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, that's right. Fifteen years and three months. Wow, you were hired before I was. Must be thinking about retirement." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Oh, no. I need the money." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "What do you mean, \"Why?\"" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's just that you never got married and you live in an apartment." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "I don't know. I got nephews." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Yeah. Yeah. And I buy them stuff, you know. Oh, made some bad investments. Why are you asking me this?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just trying to be your friend." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Well, you never asked me about my life before, is all." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Of course, I did. I always... Yes, I do." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Do you have something specific you wanted to talk to me about?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Are you pulling my leg or..." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You have no clue why I've asked you in here?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "I do not." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, here we go. This... um, here's the deal." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes. Actually, I have. I have been on a hunting trip. I shot a deer in the leg. I had to... I had to hit him, I had to hit him with a shovel for about an hour, so he... That's good eating, though. Venison's very gamey. It's hard to watch, though. It's hard to... It's hard to hit another living thing in the face with a shovel for about an hour. That... I haven't been hunting since then. I, I... 'Cause that's, you know, where's the joy in that? Where's the... There's no sport, really. Especially when you're the one with the shovel. And they're the one just lying there. Um... I would have rather hit it with my car or something and just... I was just smacking the hell out of that thing. That was a mess. And we just left him there. I didn't eat it. I didn't want to eat that. That guy. Why do you ask?" } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "[on the phone] This is Jan." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "His name was Devon." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Excuse me?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "The human being man's name was Devon." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Devon. The... Oh, is this the man that you..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[talking over Jan] Yes, yes, yes." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "The person that you fired, Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, it is." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Is that what you're... Okay. Oh, you sound a little... A little upset." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh, well, I am. A little. Justifiably. My Halloween is ruined." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Well, I have to say that I am impressed, Michael. I know... I know how hard that was." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do you? I don't think you do. Devon was one of my best buddies. And now he hates me." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Well, I'm glad you did it, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[talking over Jan] You're glad?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "And so, good job. Good job." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thanks. Thanks so much. You think it was good?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Yeah. Good job." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[talking over Jan] Think I did a good job? Great. I feel good. I'm gonna give myself a pat on the back." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "[talking over Michael] Yup. Yes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "There. I'm doing it. Right there. Great." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You're supposed to be a cat?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "You know, guys, Michael has really incredible decision-making abilities. Michael's really incredible at making decisions." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[camera pans over, Michael is sitting in a chair] Yeah, blah, blah, blah." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Pussy. Here, pussy. Pussy. Pussy. Here, pussy, pussy. Meow." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You people are revolting. By far, the least popular people here. I should have fired you. Who knew Devon was so popular and had so many friends. So well-loved." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I feel like I made the right choice. Things happen for a reason. I wasn't destined to go to Cumberland Mills. Just like Anakin Skywalker was destined to become Darth Vader, I am destined to sell paper here at Dunder Mifflin. That's what I was put on this earth to do." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Where is my desk?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That is weird." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "This is not funny. This is totally unprofessional." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok, well, you're the one who lost the desk." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I didn't lose my desk." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, calm down. Where was the last place you saw it?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, who moved my desk?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I think you should retrace your steps." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ok, I am going to tell Michael and this entire office will be punished!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Colder... warmer... little warmer... there you go, ooh, warmer... warmer... warmer... warmer... warmer ... cold, cold, cold, back up... ooh, ooh, warmer, hot, red hot, hot, very hot." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[In bathroom, answers phone] Dwight Schrute." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[On the phone with Dwight] Hi, Dwight, um, what sort of discounts are we giving on the 20 lb white model." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jim, I've given you this information, like, twenty times." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I know." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's by the ream?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh, yeah, ream." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "...now, $9.78, signs and discounts 7%." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok, thank you, gotta get back to work." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wash your hands, Kevin." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[On the phone] Right, oh let me just check the pricing list. Hold on one second..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[Also on the phone] Sensei, hello it's Sempai..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Umm..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Dwight..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know what, let me give you a call right back. I'm going to uh, find it and then I'll call you back, thanks." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes, I just had a ques-... Yes Sensei. Arigatou gozaimashita. Hai." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Was that your mom?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, that was my Sensei." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, I thought it was your mom." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I am now Sempai, which is Assistant Sensei." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Assistant to the Sensei, that's pretty cool." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Assistant Sensei." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I am a practitioner of Goju Ru Karate, here in Scranton. My Sensei, Ira, recently promoted me to purple belt, and gave me the duties of a Sempai. Not that a lot of people here in America know what a Sempai is, but it is equally as respected as a Sensei." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I don't want to stay until seven again this year." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't really have any control over that Stanley." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael tends to procrastinate a bit whenever he has to do work. Umm, time cards, he has to sign these every Friday. Purchase orders have to be approved at the end of every month. And expense reports, all he has to do is initial these at the end of every quarter. But once a year, it all falls on the same Friday and that's today. I call it the Perfect Storm." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[singing and tapping on his coffee mug] I don't want to work, I just want to bang on this mug all day." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Did you ask me here for any specific reason?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uhh, yes, I did, here's the dizzle. I have a very top secret mission for you. I want you to update all the emergency contact information." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Why is that secret? [Pam knocks and walks into Michael's office]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[to Pam] Hello, oh God, busy work. Ahh, get away, cretin." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Umm, I put stickers so you know where to sign." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, thank you. I know where to sign." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's just last year you..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Last year they were out of order, weren't they Pam?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, the last pick-up for overnight deliveries is at seven. So you need to have them signed by then. Or much earlier." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Chillax, Pam. Stop Pam-M-S-ing. That's pretty good. Um, actually, I'm sending Ryan on a top secret mission. Tell her what it is." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Updating emergency contacts." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, is that really a priority?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Is it a priority? Oh I don't know, um, what if there is a tornado, Pam? People's legs are crushed under rubble. \"Please, would you be so kind as to call my wife? No, I can't because we don't have any emergency contact information because Pam said it wasn't a priority.\" Think. Think with your head, Pam. Ok, well. She walks out. That's the problem with being a boss is that when you are tough they resent you and when you are cool they walk all over you." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Catch-22." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Catch-22. Yes. Why don't you give me your contact information to start with, ok, what's your cell?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh, Larissa Halpert." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "What's her address? [Ryan's cell phone rings]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "117 Mount Bergin St." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Hello?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[in his office on his cell phone, talking in a fake high voice] Hey Ryan. This is Michael Jackson calling from Wonderland." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Do you mean Neverland?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "This is Tito." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Calling from... [Ryan hangs up]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[Reading Jim's palm] You're major and minor lines cross at a ridge - that sucks." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You making this up as you go along, aren't you?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I am just following the website." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, at least I don't have cavities." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes, you have very nice teeth." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thanks." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Who is your emergency contact? [Ryan's phone rings]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Stacy." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[looks to see who is calling but doesn't pick up]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Taps on the glass in his office to get Ryan's attention] Pick up." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Hello?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[in a high pitched voice] This is Mike Tyson." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, Dwight. As Sempai, do you think there is ever going to be a day where humans and robots can peacefully co-exist?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Impossible. The way they're programmed... You're mocking me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No I'm not." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Look, I'm going to offer you a little piece of advice. I'm not afraid to make an example out of you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, that's not advice. What advice sounds like is this: umm, don't ever bring your purple belt to work because someone might steal it. [reveals Dwight's purple belt]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ok, give that back to me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok, say please." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No. That is not a toy." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Please?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Please?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Good, and it absolutely is a toy. Arigatou." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Arigatou. This is not a toy. This is a message to the entire office so they can see that I am capable of physically dominating them." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "And this is more a ying-yang thing. The 'Michael' all cursive, the 'Scott' all caps. Left brain, right brain. Or, duality of man." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Could you practice on the forms?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No women or children, unless provoked." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok, Roy?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Warehouse guy. Doesn't count." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok. Michael? Could you beat up Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, yeah, I don't think that would happen." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Because we're friends." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Because I would kick his ass." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, Dwight's a purple belt, so..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So? I've beaten up black belts." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh, how did you know they were black belts?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "They told me. After. You see, I used to run with a very tough crowd. Street Fighter types. Real, real bad people, I'm just lucky I got out." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Is your wife still your contact?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Um, ex-wife. Yeah. Um, her last name is 'Becker' now." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "'Kay." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "You don't need to write 'ex'." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "And after that, nobody ever messed with the 'Damn Rascals' ever again." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Sounds tough. When you're a Jet, [starts snapping] you're a Jet all the way, right?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You were a Jet?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Have you signed the expense reports yet?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, in theory, I have. I just need to cross some t's and dot some i's. Alright, I'm going to be in my office if anybody needs me. [Puts Dwight in a headlock] Hoo-hah. Oh, wow, sleeper hold. That's my rebuttal. Shhh. Hoo. You are the weakest link." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Argggg!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm friends with everybody in this office. We're all best friends - I love everybody here. But sometimes your best friends start coming into work late, and start having dentist appointments that aren't dentist appointments. And that's when it is nice to let them know that you can beat them up." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just hit me. You'll see." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I can't. I just got a manicure." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, queer... [realizes he is on camera] eye. Queer eye. That's a good show. Important show. Go ahead. Do it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Just have Dwight punch you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh yeah, that would be kind of worthless because I know a ton of fourteen year old girls who can kick his ass." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know a ton of fourteen year old girls?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What belt are they?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Look, Dwight is a wuss. When we rented 'Armageddon'..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "... he cried at the end of it. He did." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael, I told you, it was because it was New Year's Eve and it began to snow at exactly midnight." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, Bruce Willis. Are they going to leave him on the asteroid?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ok, I'll punch you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok, here we go. Alright, come on." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Kiyah!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Fuuuaaaahhhhh... oohhhhh!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Did I want to harm Michael? The one man I've been hired to protect? No, I did not." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Are you ok? Are you sure you are alright?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah. [Jim opens office door for Michael] Thank you." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War II veteran. Killed 20 men then spent the rest of the war in an Allied Prison Camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok, he has to be stopped. Please, please, please, please, just ask Michael." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't know." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok, I'll buy you a bag of chips." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "French Onion?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Obviously." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ok." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[to Kevin, who he is teaching to fight] Take this pen and stab me with it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Pam knocks on his door] Go away." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I just have a quick question." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I haven't signed them, ok?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, it's not that. Um, I was just wondering, since I'm probably going to have to stay late, could you ask Dwight to stay late too so he can walk me to my car?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Come in. Um, Pam, I hate to break this to you but Dwight can't stop you from being mugged. He's just not tough enough." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "He's a purple belt. That's really high." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, I could beat up Dwight. That's ridiculous. I could murder him." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's just out there, you..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, so that's what they are saying?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok, alright, where is Dwight?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh, Kitchen." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Hi-yah!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Good." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Wow, that's actually pretty cool Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Now watch, let me take you from behind." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Watch out Kelly, he might sucker punch you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I didn't sucker punch you, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, Really?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "In case you remember, I was defending my honor... like a samurai." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really? Well, the offer, Dwight, was for one punch which I absorbed. I had no idea that there would be a second punch. So, catch-22." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ok, fine. Tit for tit. Give it your best shot. Two punches. Go!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Look, if we were in a bar right now, there would be two punches: me punching you and you hitting the floor." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, I would block your first punch rendering it ineffective." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what? You're just lucky that we are at work right now." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ooh, what about, uh, Dwight's dojo?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, they must have class." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, it's free during the day. It's fine." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Look..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I've got the key." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Michael..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, Toby." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Any word on those time cards?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I've got an idea: why don't you leave right now. Why don't you walk away from the room, 'kay? Fine. We'll go at lunch. Pam, make an announcement. Figure out carpools." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Um, well, we are all getting excited to see this fight. The Albany branch is working right through lunch to prevent downsizing, but Michael, he decided to extend our lunch by an hour so we could all go down to the dojo and watch him fight Dwight. Fight... Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, I'm coming, fight..." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I recognize that. That is Japanese for California Roll." }, { "character": "Ira", "line": "Uh, no, it's not." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I think it is. A guy told me about that." }, { "character": "Ira", "line": "Actually, it's a symbol for eternal discipline." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Reading Pam's palm, while she has on extremely padded gloves] Wow, that is really interesting." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Your love line- I'm just kidding. I can't see anything." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, look closer." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Jim moves his head closer and Pam taps him gently in the face] Oh, ok." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Once point for me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Gently taps Pam on the forehead] Tied up." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, you're dead." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What, what are you going to do? Bring it, Beesley. Bring it. Oh yeah, good move. Not such an ultimate fighter now." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, put me down. Put me down. [Meredith turns and looks at Jim and Pam] Oh my god, hey, put me down. Hey..." } ], [ { "character": "Ira", "line": "Ok, gentlemen, listen up. After a clean strike to the chest, stomach, or kidneys, I will separate you and award a point. The first person to three wins. Alright?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes, Sensei!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alotta rules. Alotta rules. On the street we didn't have any rules. Maybe one - no kicks to the groin, home for dinner." }, { "character": "Ira", "line": "Shi mate!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hiii! [kicks Michael]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey!" }, { "character": "Ira", "line": "Alright, break." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What the hell was that?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes!" }, { "character": "Ira", "line": "Dwight - awarded a point." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Eat it!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright, that's the way you want it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Two more." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Play dirty, huh? Ok, game on, man." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Sweep the leg." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm comin' atcha man. Ok, purple belt, ok. I got him." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I got his pants." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It was my pants." }, { "character": "Ira", "line": "No points for pants." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight, you have... No, you have something... God, you look like such an idiot! [Lots of yelling and flailing of arms by Michael and Dwight]" }, { "character": "Ira", "line": "Clean single kick, gentlemen." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Go on, I dare you to kick there again. Kick there again, I dare ya." }, { "character": "Ira", "line": "Ok, break. Break." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No holding." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You can't see. You can't see. Good boy. Good boy. Great boy. Two points, three points, four points. I win. I win. [Michael is using his head guard to hit Dwight] Eight points. Nine points. [Begins to hock a loogie]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, stop it! Come on! Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Open your mouth." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, Michael!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? \"Raging Bull.\" Pacino. Oh, I want that footage. I want it. I need it. Ah, I have to get back to work. I have lots of work... Oh, oh check this out. Come here. [Michael opens his blinds and looks at Ryan in the parking lot] There he is. Mr. Temp. Having lunch by the car. Let us play with him. This'll be hilarious. [Calls Ryan on the phone, Ryan doesn't pick up after seeing that Michael is calling] Oh, we're playing phone tag." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan's Voicemail", "line": "Seven new messages. First New Message. [Michael's voice] \"Hi, Ryan. This is Saddam Hussein.\" Next new message. \"Hi, Ryan. This is your girlfriend... and I'm mad!\"" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "My emergency contact is Todd Packer. Todd F. Packer. Do you know what the F. stands for?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Fudge?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[knock at the door] Yeah... uh, come in. Oh, hey Karate Kid. The Hillary Swank version. Hi. How are ya?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I need to change my emergency contact information from Michael Scott." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Ok, to what?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Just put \"The Hospital.\" Contact number: just put 9-1-1. [Dwight leaves]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "He is such a sore loser. You heard, obviously, that I mopped the floor with him this afternoon. You know what, um, do yourself a favor and just keep me as his contact and I will call the hospital. Cut out the middle man." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Later Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Later, Kev. [Puts French Onion Potato Chips on Pam's desk] Have a good weekend." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, you too." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Knock at the door] Yeah." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I have the emergency contacts." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, just throw them on the chair. I'll take it from here. So, whatcha up to this weekend?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Uh, hanging out with some friends, probably." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "If you're doing anything crazy, give me a shout." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah, alright, I'll um, see you Monday." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright, bye." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Michael, did you finish yet?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "This close. Dwight, may I speak with you for a minute?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm busy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, [points at himself] busier. Making the time." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Michael, can't your conversation wait till Monday." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "We want to go home." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, you don't even have anyone to go home to, Toby." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "The shipping place closes in a half hour." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know, but I've been carrying the load on my back all day, and if everybody would just chip in a little bit, it'd might help me out. What do you say? Let's gangbang this thing and go home. Good? Dwight." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "This is illegal." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I don't care." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I have been testing you the entire day. Did you know that?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Of course." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And I am happy to say that you have passed. So effective immediately I am promoting you from Assistant to the Regional Manager to Assistant Regional Manager." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael, I don't know..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know, I know, I know, I wouldn't be offering it if I didn't think you could handle it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I can handle it. I can. Wow. So I guess this will just be my office." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, title change only." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'll have Pam send out a memo." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no. Three month probationary period. Let's not tell anybody about this right now." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Just a formality." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Absolutely but not really." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael, I have so much to learn from you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes you do." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thank you, Sensei." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And, ditto." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I told Dwight that there is honor in losing. Which, as we all know, is completely ridiculous, but there is, however, honor in making a loser feel better which is what I just did for Dwight. Would I rather be feared or loved? Um, easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me. And I think I proved that today at the dojo." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Master", "line": "[Dwight grunts] Great. Excellent. [Dwight yells] All right. That's okay." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[Dwight's pager goes off] Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on. Hold on. Sorry, just one second." }, { "character": "Master", "line": "Dwight, you can't use your pager in here, I told you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, I just..." }, { "character": "Master", "line": "Dwight..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's a sales call." }, { "character": "Master", "line": "Ten push-ups. Ten push-ups!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I can... Yes, sensei." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Do I feel bad that I haven't bonded with the other students? No, I'm not there to make friends. I'm there to attack people." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "What about Oscar? Could you beat Oscar?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No problem." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I don't know. He looks pretty scrappy." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Unless he has a shiv, in which case it wouldn't be a fair fight." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "True. Meredith." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No women or children. Unless provoked." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay. Roy." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Warehouse guy. Doesn't count." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay. Michael. Could you beat up Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, I don't think that would happen. See, I used to run with a very tough crowd, street fighter types. Real, real bad people. I'm just lucky I got out. I was a bad ass mo-fo. Stanley knows what I'm talking about." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Excuse me?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I've never lost a fight. You know why? My motto. Never say die." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You just said it. You just said it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, that's not how I meant it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Die. You just... You said it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Shut up, Dwight." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Do you think he's signed them yet?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Signed what?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Forget it. Is that chocolate-vanilla swirl?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Just chocolate. Angela? For the last time, I did not eat your chocolate-vanilla swirl." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Don't look at me. [smiles at camera]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I don't know why I write my name on things." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Are you going to happy hour later?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I'm still recovering from last night. But maybe." } ], [ { "character": "Master", "line": "Sir, your shoes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Master", "line": "You're gonna have to take them off. It's a sign of respect." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh. Well, in my office, if you took off your shoes, it would be a sign of disrespect. Stinkyfeetville. Kind of a ying-yang. [exclaiming] Oh, stretchin'. I like to stay tight. Compact. [Dwight screaming]" }, { "character": "Master", "line": "Here's your gear. Please put this on." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do you have, do you have anything in, like, black?" } ], [ { "character": "Master", "line": "Okay. Gentlemen. [to Michael] You ready? [to both Michael and Dwight] Okay, listen up." }, { "character": "Alyssa", "line": "Hi, sensei. Hi, Dwight." }, { "character": "Master", "line": "[to camera] That's Alyssa. My senpai. She just qualified for regionals." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Alyssa? I guess she's technically the senpai. But nobody really respects her. The only reason she got into regionals was because her competition was a bunch of 13-year-old girls. Put me in that division. Let's see how she does." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "God, you look like such an idiot. [both yelling] [grunting]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Stan the man." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Hi, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Did you hear about the fight? Well, it wasn't much of a fight, actually." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "No. Are those purchase orders signed?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I opened a big can of whoop-ass on him." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Huh? What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I went medieval on his heinie." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Are those purchase orders signed?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, Stanley. I don't tell you how to do your job, do I? He..." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Look, I just want to have a job, Michael. If we don't get these purchase orders..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Grow a pair, Stanley. Right? There not gonna downsize because I miss a lot of deadlines. That's not how business works, okay? [sighs] Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "For the record, let me just say, Michael Scott has no honor. If he lived in Japan, he would be an outcast. Well, that's not totally true, 'cause Asians worship chest hair. I had a friend, a hairy friend, who lived in Japan. He told me the women would line up to satisfy his every need. So, and he wasn't even that attractive." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[door opening] All right. Here you go, Princess. Just finished with part one." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "This is what you had Ryan do." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, under my tutelage." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, what about the other stuff that has to be in today?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "If you didn't badger me with so many questions, Pam, I could be done with it by now." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[entering office] Hey, have they left for the big meeting yet? I've got Michael's lucky tie." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No. They're in the conference room." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Good." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Wait, are those Michael's Levis?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah, who dry-cleans jeans?" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael and his jeans. He gets in them, and I'm not exactly sure what happens. But I can tell you, he loves the way he looks in those jeans. I know that's why he started casual Fridays." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[to Ryan] I'll take those. Thanks. [throws jeans under her desk]" } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "This is a projection of the county's needs..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wow, graphs and charts, somebody's really been doing their homework. Looks like USA Today." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Thirteen schools, uh, two hospitals..." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "So this possible client they're talking about, actually a big deal. It's Lackawanna County. Our whole county. And if we get this, they may not have to downsize our branch. And I could work here for years. And years. [groan] Years." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "So when we get to the Radisson, I'd like to, um-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I changed it. To Chili's." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Excuse me?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Radisson just gives out this vibe, \"Oh, I'm doing business at the Radisson\". It's kind of snooty. So." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "You had no right to do that, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Here's the thing. Chili's is the new golf course. It's where business happens. Small Businessman Magazine." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "It said that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It will. I sent it in. Letter to the editor." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Alright. But you will let me run this meeting." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh huh, uh huh. [under his breath] Power trip." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "What?" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "She had done a background check on me, she had it printed out." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No..." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Yeah. And she was asking me about stuff, line by line, while we were having dinner." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "That is unbelievable." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What is going on?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "We are doing worst first dates." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh my God, I win! Ok, it was a minor league hockey game. He brought his brother, and when I went to the bathroom, the game ended and they forgot about me." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Ok, that's a joke." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, they had to come back for me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wait, when was this?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Umm... it was not that long ago." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Wait, not Roy. Say it's not your fiance. [laughs]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I always knew Pam has refused to go to sports games with Roy, but I never knew why. Interesting." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok, let's do this thing. [to Pam] Wish us luck." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Good luck, Michael. Good luck, Jan." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[under his breath] Kiss ass. Ok, probably going to go late tonight. Burning the midnight tequila. So, I think you could all just take off now." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Michael, shouldn't take more than an hour." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Do you always shut down the entire office when you leave for an hour?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no. That would not be efficient. Actually, they just don't get very much work done when I'm not here. [Jan stares at Michael] That's not true. I know how to delegate, and they do more work done when I'm not here. Not more. The same amount of work is done, whether I am here or not. [another Jan stare] Hey, everybody, listen up. This is what we're gonna do. You sit tight, until I return. Sound good? Doesn't matter, it's an order. Follow it blindly, mwahahaha, ok? Alright, ciao. [to Oscar] Adios!" } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "So which way is Chili's?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh, I'll drive." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Oh, no, that's alright. I wanna leave straight from there." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's just a couple blocks away, so... boy, you really don't know Scranton, do you?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I know Scranton." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "At all!" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Alright." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You ever been to Scranton, Jan? Dar de-" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "If it's a couple blocks away-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dar de dar." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Ok." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jan Levinson-Gould. Jan is cold. If she was sitting across from you on a train and she wasn't moving, you might think she was dead." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "We should come up with a signal of some sort." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Why would we need a signal?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, in case one of us gets into trouble, the other one can signal-" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "What kinda trouble are you planning on getting in, Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, I... it could be either of us." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "You're gonna let me do the talking, we agreed on that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeees." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hello? Christian?" }, { "character": "Christian", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thought that was you. Hi. Michael Scott. This is Jan Levinson-Gould." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Just Jan Levinson." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No Gould?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "No. [To Christian] Thank you very much for meeting with us. Have you been waiting long?" }, { "character": "Christian", "line": "No, not long." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh, Jan, what happened?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Is Gould dead? What uh-" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Michael, we got divorced, ok? [to Christian] I'm so sorry. Excuse me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wow, you're kidding me! Do you wanna talk about?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Michael. [to hostess] Uh, could we have a table for three, please?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "When did this happen?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "We're in a meeting." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok." }, { "character": "Hostess", "line": "This way, please." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Christian." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright, after you." }, { "character": "Christian", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[mouths \"Wow\" to the camera]" } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "I thought we could start by going over the needs of the county." }, { "character": "Christian", "line": "Right. Well, Lackawanna County has not been immune to the slow economic growth over the past five years. So for us, the name of the game is budget reduction-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Awesome blossom." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[to Christian] I think we should share an Awesome Blossom, what do you say? They are awesome. Want to, Christian, blossom?" }, { "character": "Christian", "line": "Sure." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok, it's done. Actually, [turns around] Megan, may we have an Awesome Blossom, please, extra awesome? Now it's done." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "So-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I heard a-" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "If you have a-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Very very funny joke the other day. Wanna hear it?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Christian, you don't have to listen to this." }, { "character": "Christian", "line": "It's ok, I like jokes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Just the one." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just one joke. Ok. Well, if it's just gonna be one, I will think of a different joke. Umm... let's see... choo choo choo." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam, it's Michael. I need you to go into my office and check some data for me." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[to Michael on speakerphone] Ok, you want me to read 'em?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ok. Um, a fisherman is walking down Fifth Avenue walking an animal behind him-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "When-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nope. Told it. Not as good as you think. Pick another one." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ok. There's a transcript between a naval ship-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh ho ho, yea! Bingo! And a lighthouse. Yes. That is hysterical. Could you start that one from the beginning?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Sure. There's a transcript between a naval ship and a lighthouse." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Is this real? [Pam dumps Michael's screenplay on Jim's desk]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It is a screenplay. Starring himself." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Agent Michael Scarn." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Of the FBI." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "How long is this? [flips through pages] Oh, Pam. Good work! Oop, wait, stop. Drawings." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What is that?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, those are drawings. In case the writing didn't really put a picture in your head. And there he is, in the flesh, Agent Michael Scarn. Now we know what he looks like." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "First guy says \"Well, I'm an astronaut, so I drive a Saturn\". And the second guy says, \"Well, I am a pimp, so I drive a cheap Escort\". And the third guy says \"I gotcha both beat, I'm a proctologist, so I drive a brown Probe\"." }, { "character": "Christian", "line": "Ohhh no! [laughs] Oh my God, that's funny! I almost had Awesome Blossom coming out of my nose!" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "[to waitress] Excuse me, could I have a vodka tonic, please?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Do we all have our copy of \"Threat Level: Midnight\", by Michael Scott?" }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Yeah, yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright, let's get this started. I'm gonna be reading the action descriptions, and Phyllis, I would like you to play Catherine Zeta Jones." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "That's the character's name?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh yeah-" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ok, you guys should not be doing this." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Why not, Dwight? This is a movie. I mean, this is for all of America to enjoy." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You took something that doesn't belong to you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dwight-" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Brought it in here-" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Do you want to play-" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Made copies of it-" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "The lead role of Agent Michael Scarn?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[making the mouth on his tie talk] Yum! Yum yum yum! [Christian laughs] That's delicious! I love it!" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "We would probably be upset with ourselves if we went this whole night without talking business, so, Dunder-Mifflin can provide a level of personal service to the county that the warehouse chains just can't match." }, { "character": "Christian", "line": "Well, we are out to save money." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "What's the bottom line?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Bop! Be blah bop, be boo boo bop." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's why I wanted a signal, between us, so that I wouldn't have to just shout non-sense words. That's her fault." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Did somebody say \"baby back ribs\"? Hmmm? Hmmmmm?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I don't think Christian has time for that." }, { "character": "Christian", "line": "I have time." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[singing] I want my baby back, baby back, baby back [Christian laughs]" }, { "character": "Michael & Christian", "line": "[singing] I want my baby back, baby back, baby back-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[singing] Chili's baby back ribs..." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[reading the screenplay] Inside the FBI, Agent Michael Scarn sits with his feet up on his desk. Catherine Zeta Jones enters." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Sir, you have some messages." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Not now!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "They're important." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ok, what are they?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "First message is: \"I love you\". That's from me." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Not in a thousand years, Catherine. We work together. And get off my desk!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes, I have acted before. I was in a production of \"Oklahoma\" in the seventh grade. I played the part of Mutey the Mailman. They had too many kids, so they made up roles like that. I was good." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "If it isn't my old partner, Samuel L. Chang." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Agent Michael Scarn, you lost some weight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thank you for noticing. Now keep me company for one more mission. [Pam gets up to talk to Roy]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, uh, I have to work late." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "[looks around conference room] You're joking right?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Michael Scarn takes out a nine-millimeter gun and shoots the-" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Pow! Pow! Pow!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Hahaha, Agent Michael Scarn, you so funny. Word." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Michael's movie? Two thumbs down. [Smiles] Heh." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "A man sitting several seats down, who has a gold face, turns to Michael Scarn. [out of character] Uh... Ooh, Oscar, you wanna play Goldenface?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Mr. Scarn, perhaps you would be more comfortable in my private jet?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes, perhaps I would, Goldenface. Sam, get my luggage." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I forget it, brutha." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Samuel, you are such an idiot, you are the worst assistant ever. And you're disgusting, Dwigt. [out of character] Wait, who's Dwigt?" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Here's what we think happened. Michael's sidekick, who all through the movie is this complete idiot who's causing the downfall of the United States, was originally named Dwight. But then Michael changed it to Samuel L. Chang using a search and replace, but that doesn't work on misspelled words, leaving behind one Dwigt. And Dwight figured it out. Oops." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "D-W-I-G-H-T." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ok, you know what? I am done with this. That's it, the end." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, some of us wanna keep reading, so-" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Uh, you don't speak for everyone, Jim. Ok, announcement. My uncle bought me some fireworks. Anyone who wants to see a real show, come with me outside now." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's actually a good idea. We'll all take a brief intermission. [To Pam] Hey, are you hungry?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah?" } ], [ { "character": "Christian", "line": "So after watching my mom go through so much pain, I decided to keep that promise, that I made to her, and take care of her." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Woo, well, this brings us to Jan. Truth or Dare? Tell us about your divorce. Ohh, ohh." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Oh no, Michael, Michael, please. No, really." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, so you're not gonna play? She's not playing." }, { "character": "Christian", "line": "It's not fair." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "She's not playing the game." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "We'd been fighting for a while-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Check please." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "He didn't want kids, but I knew that going into it. But he also knew that I did. I guess I thought that he would change his mind; he thought that I would change mine." }, { "character": "Christian", "line": "You didn't." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I was stupid." }, { "character": "Michael & Christian", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, you were not stupid. Gould was stupid. Right?" }, { "character": "Christian", "line": "That's right." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know?" }, { "character": "Christian", "line": "You were really brave! You, you put your arms out there, you slit your wrists." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's true." }, { "character": "Christian", "line": "You said \"World, this is my blood! It's red, just like yours. So love me!\"" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I had plans to meet a friend tonight. Which I had to cancel. But this is cool, too. I'm not a complainer." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Pam lights a candle] Wow." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "For the bugs." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nice. That's excellent, because bugs love my famous grilled cheese sandwich." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes... nice! I can't remember the last time someone made me dinner." } ], [ { "character": "Christian", "line": "Right down the street?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh huh, Kenneth Road, born and raised. Spent my whole life right here in Lackawanna County and I do not intend on movin'. I know this place. I know how many hospitals we have, I know how many schools we have. It's home, you know? I know the challenges this county's up against. Here's the thing about those discount suppliers. They don't care. They come in, they undercut everything, and they run us out of business, and then, once we're all gone, they jack up the prices." }, { "character": "Christian", "line": "I know." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's bad." }, { "character": "Christian", "line": "It's terrible." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It, you know what, it really is." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Uh- [Michael signals for her to shh]" }, { "character": "Christian", "line": "I don't know. I guess I could give you guys our business, but you have to meet me half way, ok, because they're expecting me to make cuts." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, corporate's gonna go ballistic, but, uh, you think we could Jan?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "So, I guess I'll see you in [looks at watch] ten hours." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What are you going to do with your time off?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Travel. I've been looking forward to it. It's gonna be... really nice. Gonna find myself." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[points to Jim's iPod] You have new music?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah. [Pam puts her hand out for an earbud] Definitely." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[waving to Christian] See ya." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Bye... thanks. [pumps fist] Yes!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We did it!" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "We got it!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nailed it. Nailed it! Come here." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I am really- [Michael kisses Jan] Thrilled. [Michael and Jan kiss again] Let's go." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What!?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Let's go." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Goin'. Ok. Where we goin'? Doesn't matter. Goin' to the go go. [nervous laugh] Oh-ok." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[waking up on office couch] Michael? Michael? [goes into Michael's office] Michael? [looks out Michael's window] His car's not in the parking lot. I should check the accident reports. [taxi pulls into Dunder-Mifflin parking lot] Who's this? Jan?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Morning, Pam. Hey." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, nothing happened. I-I swear, nothing happened. What, I'm, totally being serious. A gentleman does not kiss and tell, and neither do I. [laughs] No, seriously, guys, I'm not, I don't want to go into it at all. It's off limits. Fine, I took her back to her hotel and we made out for a little while. It was great. I mean she told me about her divorce, we talked for about five hours, she fell asleep on my arm. So." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hello, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Did you do her?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Who." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jan Levinson-Gould." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh, no, no, no Gould." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Did you do her?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "This is none of your affair because she is your boss-" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And she is your boss." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And she is a woman. She is a strong, soft, thoughtful, sexy woman. And you know what? I don't think that I can sit here and let you talk about her that way without me defending her honor. [to camera] Jan, I defend your honor. [to Dwight] Is that all?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Jan didn't come back for her car last night." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What!?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Could it be that Agent Michael Scarn has finally found his Catherine Zeta?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, I don't know... [Jim laughs, phone rings] Oh my God. This is Jan's cell." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No way." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know we have to register as a consensual sexual relationship with HR. My question: do I do it as the man? Does she do it as my superior? I don't know. That leads to other issues that we may have in our relationship. It's, uh, [phone rings] Excuse me. Hello? Hi! Just talking about you. The camera? No. Uh huh. How's traffic? I miss you. What. Ok. Well, if it was a mistake, it was a wonderful mistake. No. [to camera] Would you excuse me? [to Jan] No, I did not intentionally get you drunk. Um hmm. No, no. [goes under his desk] This is just a fight. This is just a first fight of many fights we're gonna have. Right. No. Wha-so-I don't understand, you wanna see other people. Only other people. Wh-why, ok, I think you're still a little bit drunk [to camera which is now under desk] Excuse me? Excuse me?! [to Jan] I think you're, yes, why don't you just come back here, go to the hotel, have a few drinks and-no, no. I didn't slip you something!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Some might even say that we had our first date last night." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, really?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Really." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Why might some say that?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Cause there was dinner, by candlelight." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Uh hmm." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dinner and a show, if you include Michael's movie. [Pam nods reluctantly] And there was dancing and fireworks. Pretty good date." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We didn't dance." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You're right, we didn't dance. It was more like, swaying. But still romantic." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Swaying isn't dancing." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Least I didn't leave you at a high school hockey game." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I have some faxes to get out." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, come on, Pam. I-" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok, we didn't dance. I was totally joking anyway. I mean, it's not really a date if the girl goes home to her fiance. Right?" } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Have you ever heard of Doctor David Friendly?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hmm..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Doctor David Friendly's Egg Yolk Diet. It's, it's kind of unique. It's just, my diet the last couple months has consisted mostly of eggs yolks and cottage cheese. And, um, what you do, you don't just have the egg yolks, it's not like a Rocky thing. You do like hard boiled eggs and I got one a those melon ballers [shot of Michael peeling boiled egg] and I, it's just like a little ice cream scoop, and I just scoop out the middle of the egg and just pop it in my mouth. I don't even, I don't even use a plate anymore. Uh, the first couple weeks I did, but you know what, boom, I keep a melon baller in my desk so if I have a hard boiled egg [Jenna breaks as Pam and laughs] I know, I know! But you know what? It's perfect. I know it sounds ridiculous, it sounds ridiculous, but you know what? Dr. David Friendly, he came up with this thing. The guy, I think he was like four hundred pounds when he started, and he started with this... I, well, the melon baller was my idea." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Most of that is good." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[throwing away food from the fridge] Not today, Kevin. Cannot be around carbs today. You know what one loaf of bread would do to my abs?" } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "I'm almost there, so we should have plenty of time to go over the presentation." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh huh." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "And, uh, hmm, excuse me, I've also confirmed the meeting this afternoon at four p.m." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Conflict!" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I have a conflict with that." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "What do you mean?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh, I have a pajama party. At the Playboy Mansion. With the bunnies." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Michael. I need you to take this seriously." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I can't get out of it!" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Michael-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok, alright." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Are you hearing me?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm hearing you, meeting confirmed." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "This is a very important-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Meeting confirmed. Would you like your confirmation number? Please grab a pen, because I will only be repeating this once." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "[sighs] I'll see you in ten minutes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "42897. Ok." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "What is a closer? A closer is a sales term for someone who always gets the job done. And that is me. A B C, always be closing. Glen Garry, Glen Ross. \"Hey, gimme the Glen Ross leads.\" \"No way, they're just for closers.\" \"Do you know who you're talking to?\" \"I'm Michael Scott.\" \"Really? Well, take any lead you want.\" \"No thanks, I don't need 'em.\" Because I have a client list [taps screen] right here in my computer. [sighs] So suck on that." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't know, I think I was just staring at my desk." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Really? Do you wanna get back to that? I could go. I should go." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, do you mind leaving?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, not at all." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's very important." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh hmm." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Sure." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Do you think they'll get the account. [Stanley stares at her] How come you never answer me?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I'm sorry, Phyllis. No, I don't think they'll get the account." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[reading screenplay] Bullets are flying everywhere. Ooo, wait, last page, big finish. Here we go. Agent Michael Scarn kicks open the plane door with a karate chop." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "A kick and a chop are two totally different things." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, it's just a movie, Dwigt." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It doesn't make any sense." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Yeah, now it doesn't make any sense." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Don't jump Agent Scarn! There are no parachutes!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Just then, Agent Chang gets a bullet in the head." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh! So close to retirement." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Another bullets heads towards Agent Michael Scarn, but he jumps out of the plane without a parachute." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Is that it?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yup, I guess so." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Does he die?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I sincerely doubt it." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I have to say, I think this is a terrible movie." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "What was my worst first date? Umm. It was a couple of years ago. It was a lunch date, actually, it was right down here, at Cugino's. And we had just met, and we really hit it off, it was, it was kinda nice. Umm, huh. And, uh, then, as it turned out, it wasn't even a date, because she was actually in love with someone else. So, best first date is also my worst first date. Oddly enough." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[bouncing on an exercise ball] You should get one of these." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No. Thank you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Do you even know what this is? It is a fitness orb and it has completely changed my life. Forget everything you thought you knew about ab workouts." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Done." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "This ab workout is specifically designed to strengthen your core. [knocks things around Jim's desk] Sorry." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "S'ok." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Numerous health benefits, strengthens your back, better performance in sports, more enjoyable sex." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You're not having sex." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Plus, improves your reflexes [knocks over more stuff] see, I would have caught that." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok, you know what, uh, how much is that?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's only twenty-five bucks." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow. Um, ok. [pops Dwight's orb with scissors]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam, could I see you in my office?" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's performance review day, company-wide. Last year, my performance review started with Michael asking me what my hopes and dreams were, and it ended with him telling me he could bench-press 190 pounds. So, I don't really know what to expect." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam, you're trustworthy-" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And a woman-" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, no." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And I want you to listen to a voicemail from my boss. [Jan on recording] \"Michael, it's Jan. I guess I missed you. I'll, uh, be there this afternoon for performance reviews. I hope it's understood that that will be our only topic of discussion. See you soon.\" First impressions?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Uh, just off the top... I think she'll be here this afternoon." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "My boss is coming in today, the lovely Jan Levinson-Gould will, well, no Gould. The Gould has been [makes slashing neck hand motion] swack, divorced. Um, the awkward part is that this will be the first time that we'll be seeing each other since, well, uh, it was really nothing. We just sort of got caught up in the moment. The vulnerable divorcee gives herself to the understanding, with rugged good-looks, office manager. Just, uh, she didn't want it to continue for some reason. It, we both, I didn't want it, we both didn't want it to continue. Was not professional. Um, when people say something's mutual, it never is. But this was mutual." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[playing Jan's message] \"I guess I missed you.\" I guess I missed you. So, she misses me?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "She missed you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "But then she goes on to say \"that will be our only topic of discussion\". That doesn't mean anything, those are just words." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I have one idea of what it means." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok. Yeah, what, what?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well I don't think you're gonna be very happy with this." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ohhh, great. Well, now I'm in a terrible mood. Let's do your performance review-" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Because she's conflicted. She has to be professional, but she's fighting feelings... for you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ah, why, that's great news? That, that, then why would, why would I not like that?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Um, just cause, that, you work together, and it might be awkward." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, wow, wow. Alright, let's listen to that again. [plays Jan's message] \"Michael, it's Jan. I guess I missed you\"." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, hey, listen, Jim. Here's a little tip for your performance review." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Tell Michael that we should be stocking more of the double-tabbed manila file folders." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "We don't have double-tabbed manila file folders." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, yes, we do." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, we don't." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, it's a new product. So, you should just suggest that to him and he'll be sure to give you a raise." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright... well, I'm not asking for a raise. I'm gonna actually be asking for a pay decrease." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Uh, that is so stupid. What if he gives it to you?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I win." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ugh, you know what? I am going to zone you out for the rest of today. I need to stay focused, and I don't have to see you tomorrow or Sunday and please don't call me, and we'll see how things go on Monday. Uh, stupid." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wait, wait; one thing. Uh, by tomorrow, you mean Saturday, right?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Uh, duh." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Duh." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Today is Thursday. But Dwight thinks that it's Friday. And that's what I'll be working on this afternoon." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Sometimes women say more in their pauses than they say in their words." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Oh, yes. Let's listen to it again. And this time, really listen to the pauses." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "God, Stanley, that's frickin' brilliant. How do you know that? Did you learn that on the streets? Sorry." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Oh, no, that's ok. I did learn it on the streets. On the ghetto, in fact." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No kidding." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "It's all about my bonus." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael and Jan definitely made out." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ohh..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Maybe more." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Eck!... Oh! Also, it is Thursday, but Dwight thinks it's Friday. So, keep that goin'." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, yea!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good work, Stanley. Great performance review. Stanley in the house, everybody. Woo! Angela, your turn." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "I actually look forward to performance reviews. I did the youth beauty pageant circuit. And I enjoyed that quite a bit. I really enjoy being judged. I believe I hold up very well to even severe scrutiny." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Jan's on the phone for you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh; Angela, you were totally satisfactory this year." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Interesting. Jan is calling me. Maybe it wasn't so mutual after all. [puts Jan on speakerphone] Yeah?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jan! To what do I owe this pleasure?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I am returning your many calls." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, hello to you, too. Um, yeah, I was just um, I just wanted to get some closure on uh, what transpired between us at the meeting we had in the parking lot of the Chili's." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "No. No, we won't be discussing that, Michael. The only things I wanna talk about during your performance review are your concrete ideas to improve your branch." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, surely this uh, review is a formality because of what happened uh, at our meeting in the parking lot of Chili's." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Uh, your review is anything but a formality, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I expect you to forget anything that you think may have happened between us and exhibit completely professional behavior." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Been thinking about you." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Ok, that is an example of completely unprofessional behavior." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um, I don't see how that's unprofessional. Just-" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yep." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Are the cameras with you..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "...in your office?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "They are not. Yes, they are. [Jan hangs up] That's my girlfriend." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I heard they made out and had sex." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "No, they just made out. That's it." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Well, I heard they made out and had sex." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Don't talk about it. Office romances are nobody's business but the people involved." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Romances?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam, I have ideas on a daily basis. I know I do. I have a clear memory of telling people my ideas. Um, is there any chance you wrote any of my ideas down? In a folder? A \"Michael-idea\" folder?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Sorry." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's unfortunate. How 'bout the suggestion box? There's tons of ideas in there." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What suggestion box?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "The suggestion box that I put out, and people could be put in suggestions anonymously? Maybe there's prizes?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, yeah. Uh, I think I remember that from back from when I first started." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why don't you find it and tell people to get theirs... never mind, I'll tell them. Hello, everybody? Yeah, uh, attention, please. Jan Levinson's coming, very soon, and so, we're going to have our weekly suggestion box meeting, so you can all get your constructive compliments in a.s.a.p." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Don't you mean constructive criticism?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What did I say?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "You said \"constructive complements\"; that doesn't make any sense." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, Kelly, that was neither constructive nor a compliment, so maybe you should stop criticizing my English and start making some suggestions. 'K?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[on phone] Hey, Dan, this is Jim, and it is about 11:15, and I wanted to know what you were up to tomorrow, which is the fifteenth, and that is a..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Saturday." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[pumps fist] ...Saturday, so just let me know what you're doing tomorrow, Saturday, for lunch. Ok, talk to you soon." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "[on phone] We'll address this in the meeting then. Ok. Ok, bye-bye. [to Pam] Could you please tell Michael that I'm here?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Sure." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hi, Jan. How are you?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I'm good; how are you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good to see you." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Nice to see you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok. [tries to kiss Jan's hand] Ok, why don't we just step into my office? We're gonna go in here." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Can we please go in your office?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yep, right after you. Apres-vous. [mouths to Pam] No calls." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oooo." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright [takes Jan's coat]." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's nice to see you." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Nice to see you too, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Not like that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, well." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "You know Michael, I think I need to make something clear right off the top. I'm not going to discuss anything with you other than Dunder-Mifflin business." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Period." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yep." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Do we understand each other." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Absolutely." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm a little confused. 'Cause first it's all like kissy-kissy. And then it's like all regret. Because \"Oh, I regret that.\" But, \"Wait, I'm still gonna call you.\" But, but, \"We're just gonna talk business. And I may come down and fire you if you don't do your job.\" But what were talking about when we first kissed? Business." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "So are you still in the middle of the performance reviews then?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, no, I finished all of that. I'm very fast. I'm not too fast. Not like wham-bam-thank ya ma'am. But I do say thank ya ma'am. But, I'm, I'm not like wham-bam. Not that there's anything wrong with wham-bam. If it's consensual. [cold Jan stare] We're talking about office stuff. Can I ask you a question?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "This is a business question. It's nothing personal, I promise." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Fine." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Are you wearing a new perfume today?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "How is that a business question?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, you're wearing it at the office. And [smells Jan] it, I'm sorry, but no offense, but it's really sexy." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Please don't smell me, Michael." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, how's it goin'?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh my God, did you see \"The Apprentice\" last night?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Course, it's on every Thursday night, so how could I miss it?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Can you believe who Trump fired?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, that was unbelievable." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Who? Who was it? Who did he fire?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You didn't see it?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, I went out and got drunk with my laser tag team last night. Crap! I never go out on a Thursday night; what the hell was I thinking?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't understand- [phone rings] Hold on. Sorry. [answers] Yes, Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael, it's time for the suggestion box meeting." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm kind of in the middle of something. I wish you wouldn't interrupt." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You told me to buzz you about the suggestion box meeting when Jan was here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I did not, not, not use those words." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Uh, I'd like to sit in on that meeting [to Pam] is it happening right now?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, it's in like ten minutes." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Everyone's waiting in the conference room." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Great. Very good." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why are we here? Because I value your opinions. Now, I know a lot of don't think that I read your suggestions, but I do. I just sift through them every week and I really look and scrutinize to see what you guys are writing. Um, so, let's, uh, just read some of these suckers. Alright. Number one: \"What should we do to prepare for Y2K?\"" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What should we do to prepare for Y2K?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I thought you read these every week." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, obviously this one got stuck in the box. [to Jan] That happens occasionally." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It happens occasionally." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And, um, one down. Next suggestion: \"we need better outreach for employees fighting depression\". Ok, alright, enough with the jokes. Nobody in here is suffering from depression." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "That sounds serious, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, ok, well, yeah, who wrote it?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Tom?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Tom. Then it is a joke because there is nobody in here named Tom." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Tom? He worked in accounting up until about a year ago. [blank stares] Tom? [acts like she's shooting herself in the head] Pow." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, that guy? That guy was weird. Alright, next suggestion." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Next suggestion." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Arrr, dooby dooby do. \"You need to do something about your B.O.\"" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You need to do something about your B.O." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok, I don't know who this suggestion is meant for, but it's more of a personal suggestion and it's not an office suggestion. Far be it for me to use this as a platform to embarrass anybody." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Aren't the suggestions meant for you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, Toby, if by me you are inferring that I have B.O., then I would say that is a very poor choice of words." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Uh, Michael, he wasn't inferring, he was implying. You were inferring." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Was I, Creed?! Ok, well, you know what? I am implying is that when we're on an elevator together, I should maybe take the stairs, because talk about stank. Not that I would ever say something like that in public, and I never have, and I never will. I just think it's something that we should all be aware of. Ok? Now that we've learned this, let's continue. See, this is good, we're learning and we're figuring some stuff out. \"You need to do something about your coffee breath\"-" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You need-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "To do something about-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Shut up, shut up, shut up, Dwight, OK. I don't think you people are grasping the concept of the suggestion box." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Sometimes you talk to us real close." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, is that hard for you? Alright, well-" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Well, when you have coffee breath-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'll work on that-" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "It's hard." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Let's keep going. Keep it going. Yep. What do we have here? We have somebody's piece of gum. Somebody put a piece of gum in there. This is not a, a garbage can, this is the future of our company. This is not a place for gum. I don't wanna have to read these tomorrow." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, who wants to come in on a Saturday?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, what? Uh, alright, next suggestion." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Next suggestion." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "\"Don't sl-\", ok, that's blank [Dwight picks up note] Don't, just put it-" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "\"Don't sleep with your boss\"? Do you think this is referring to you boning Jan?" } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "I can't, I can't-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't understand why you're so upset." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Please sit down." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Let me ask you-" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "You're gonna sit here and I'm gonna go sit over there." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok, let me ask you this." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Please, sit yourself down." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Let me ask you something." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "What, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Where did you get your outfit?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[loud metal music playing in a stairwell; Dwight pacing] You are giving me this raise! I deserve this raise! [plays air guitar] Yes! [kicks] Yes! Yes! Hiya! The least you can do is keep my salary consistent with inflation! Keeya eyah! Yes! Why are you gonna give me this raise? Why? Because... I'm awesome! I am awesome!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I just don't understand why you have to pretend like nothing happened." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Because nothing did, Michael. It, I'm not going to say anything more about it, and I would advise that you do the same" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Look-" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh my God..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm sorry, am I interrupting? Oh God; were you guys making out?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "No, Dwight; come in." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Great." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What do you want Dwight?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I am ready for my performance review." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok, great. Your performance has been adequate. You may leave; goodbye." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Is this how you've been conducting all the reviews, Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You wanna talk now, good; OK, Dwight, leave." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Uh, wait, I would like to discuss my raise?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why on earth would we give you a raise?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That is an excellent question. Thank you for asking. Let me bring up one word: dedication. [points to graphs] I have never been late. Also, I have never missed a day due to illness. [Michael sighs] Even when I had walking pneumonia. I even come in on holidays." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You do? How do you get in?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I have a copy of your key." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "That's a serious offense!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That is a serious offense. Very serious. As is toying with a man's heart." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Oh! Michael, for God sakes!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'd also further like to talk about my merits in the workplace." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok, third wheel, why don't you do that?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "For instance, the time I brought in deer jerky for the whole office." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That was deer!? Gross, oh!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You liked it!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, did not!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jan, have you ever had deer?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's a delicacy. And you know what? It's an aphrodisiac. So when we're done here, you guys could go over to The Antler Lodge, sample some deer and talk about my raise." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What do you say, Jan?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Ok! Here's what I'm gonna do: I'm gonna step outside, collect my thoughts, and I will return in about ten minutes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok. You just, uh, clear your head." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "[Dwight opens door] Thank you, Dwight." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "Look, I know it's your job, I know you have to ask, but I promise you, I'm not gonna discuss it with him, I'm certainly not gonna discuss it with you. [digs a cigarette out of her purse] Do you have a light?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And in conclusion, I think that Lex Luthor said it best when he said \"Dad, you have no idea what I'm capable of\"." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's from Superman?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Smallville. And that is why, I feel, that I deserve this raise." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Do you think Michael and Jan actually..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I don't really wanna picture it. But thank you, Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "How do you come back from that?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Um, you don't, I don't think, come all the way back, you know. Especially working together." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, I mean doing that with Michael. How do you come back from that?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh-" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "As a human being." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, no, I don't think you can." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "I'm heading back to New York; Alan and I will conduct your performance review over the phone tomorrow." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wait." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "'K?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wait, wait, wait, come, I just, I just wanna know why?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Michael, now is not the time or the place." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok, so you're saying that there is a different time or place?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "No, I am saying we are never having this conversation." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, ok, well never as in 'never ever ever', or never as in there's still a chance?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Never, for me, always means 'never ever ever.'" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I just want to know, from the horse's mouth, what is the dealio?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Michael, it has nothing-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Am I too short?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "With your looks, ok? It's your personality. I mean, you're obnoxious, and rude, and, and, and stupid, and you do have coffee breath, by the way, and, and I don't agree about the b.o., but you are very, very inconsiderate." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Really. You're, you're, you're a great guy, ok?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I appreciate that, thank you." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "And you were very sweet, and you stayed up with me and talked with me, cried with me, and I appreciate that-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I wasn't, I didn't cry-" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "At this time in my life. I just am not in the place right now where I'm looking for a relationship, so we can still work together, we can still be friends but... ok?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So my looks have nothing to do with it?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Ohhh, God." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jan is not in a place where she feels she can have a relationship right now. And it doesn't matter how great a guy I am. And that is all I needed; I'm good. I can go home now." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, it's 12:20; where the hell's Dwight?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ummm... no idea." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Never missed a day, my ass." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[Jim bows to Pam; she bows back] Thank you." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[running through parking lot] I'm here! I'm here! I'm here! It's ok!" } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oscar, I'm ready for you." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Today is performance-review day, company-wide, and I'm a little concerned about my review. I exceeded my sick days and my personal days because I just couldn't take it. And I don't have a good answer for him, when he asks me." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "So..." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Michael, I don't know what to say." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um, you're in accounting..." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Yes, I'm in accounting and I'm sorry and all the extra days. I know I passed my limit." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So, good, good, good. Something to work toward, being here more. I'm a big believer in people being here more." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Yes." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You know what this is?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, you don't." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Then why the question?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "This is a visual aid for my performance review. Budget is tight, and if anyone is getting a raise, it is gonna be a fight to the death. And I intend on winning that fight. \"Dwight: determined, worker, intense, good worker, hard worker, terrific. Dwight.\"" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I have one, too. Jim. Jim, Is Jim. My name is Jim." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's a total waste of your \"M.\"" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You have a better idea?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, magnificent worker, marvelous worker, more money for this worker. Man, I like this worker. Mighty worker. That's good. That's good." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'll use that." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "I am not going to discuss anything with you other than Dunder Mifflin business." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Period." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yup." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Do we understand each other?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Absolutely." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "\"I am not going to discuss anything outside of Dunder Mifflin business, period.\" Okay. Now, why would Jan say she only wants to talk business and then make it clear that she is on her period? God, I don't understand women. How about a clear signal, right? Is that too much to ask?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "So, that's... It's great." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, it is." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah. You have fun?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, I did." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Did you go to first base?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hell, yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, yeah?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Did you go to second?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Second." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Kind of, yeah. Over the shirt, my elbow, but..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, so close call at second. Was there an infield fly?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um, yup, wait, yes." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Pop-up?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, there... Later there was." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "So, you got the signal from the third-base coach. You know what I'm saying? Like if there was a fly out to deep right, you know. A runner on second. He tagged up, didn't he?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I didn't, you know, it was... It was dark, for one thing." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Office romances. Um... [laughs] I think you should probably ask Pam 'cause she's in an office romance, technically." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Let's just push on, shall we?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Pushing on." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's next. Just keep it. \"Look on the supply shelf.\" What? What is that? All right, Ryan, look on the supply shelf, would you?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah. It's another note." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, yeah." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "\"Look on the windshield.\"" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Does it specify which windshield?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I'll check them all." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "This ought to be good." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Which one?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, no, no. It's on the Miata." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "He sees it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What does it say?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "He can't hear you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, field trip's over. Come on. Could we please get back to this?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[clapping] Come on. Let's get back to this." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right, don't break any lands-speed records getting back, okay, Stanley?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I'm back." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Christ Almighty." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "\"Look under the sink in the men's room.\"" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right, next suggestion." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Next suggestion." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "\"Don't...\" Okay, that's blank. Don't. Just..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "\"Don't sleep with your boss.\" Do you think this is referring to you boning Jan?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Okay, let me make something clear. As embarrassing as this is, I feel that it needs to be said. There is nothing romantic or sexual going on with Michael and myself." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "The other night, I gave him a polite congratulatory kiss because he just closed the biggest deal of his career. And that's it. If anything else has been implied, Dwight, or inferred, Michael, Creed, it's just not true, okay? It's not true. So... Is everyone straight on that?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Crystal." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "There's one more suggestion." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "How pleasant. You can..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "\"Way to go man, Jan's really hot.\"" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, I think we're good." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, my God. When Dwight said no one wants to come in on a Saturday..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I know." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I almost lost it. That was too good." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, that is because that is the gift that keeps on giving. Oh, my God. I left today's paper on my desk." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You mean yesterday's paper." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What? Yes, that is exactly what I mean. Wow. You are very good at what you do." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thank you." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey, temp." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Look, we're twins." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Cool." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Bet you I got mine for less than yours." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I bet you did." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Getting a little something that calm the nerves?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "What nerves?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "For the performance review. Oh, wait, you don't get one. You're a temp." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Actually, I had mine already." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You're lying." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Why would I lie about a performance review?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Why would Michael give you one before me?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I think because my name is before yours in alphabetical order. [coins dropping]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "How did it go?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Fine. He actually gave me a small raise, which I did not ask for. [hits vending machine] It's stuck. [Dwight begins throwing his entire body into the vending machine] It's cool, it fell." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[Wild Side playing] You are gonna give me this raise. Ya! Yes, you are. You are gonna give me this raise. Ya! Ya! The least you can do is keep my salary consistent with inflation, right? You are gonna give me this raise! Why? Because I'm awesome, awesome, yes! Yes! Yes! Thank you for your time, dude. Champ. My lord, mi amigo. Mi amor. Ha! Wild side! I am ready. [groans]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, that got a little out of control. Jan's taking a break, which is fine. I'm doing the same, just chilling. Getting my mind off of us. She's right. I need to be more professional at the office. When I'm at work, I need to focus on work. I should call her ex-husband." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hello, is this R. Gould? Hi there. My name is Michael Scott, I work at Dunder Mifflin. I believe I work with your wife, ex-wife, Jan. Yeah, that's right, yes. Um... I was wondering if I could ask a personal question about her. Mmm-hmm. Okay, well, could I ask anyway? Uh-huh. Well, I'm just gonna ask. When you guys were dating was she sort of easy to get and then really hard to get?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, that Gould is a real interesting guy, a gem. I can see why he and Jan are no longer together. If my conversation with him is any measure of their relationship, he was verbally abusive, he was curt. He was... He had an inability to communicate, shall I say? He was emotionally unavailable. I don't know how she dealt with that as long as she did." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Never..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Never for me always means never, ever, ever." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, then, Gould wasn't kidding." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nothing, I just..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "What did you say, Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nothing." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Did you call my ex?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I did not." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Gould, you said, Gould." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Maybe I did. Maybe I called him, I don't know." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "How dare you, Michael? My personal life is off-limits to you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Okay, how dare you do that?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I didn't do that. I... Maybe he called me." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Why would he do that? Why would he call you, Michael? Why would my husband call you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ex-husband, you have to let it go." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I mean..." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "\"Look under the suggestion box.\" \"I can't believe I kept this up all day.\" Signed, me." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "What is an office? Is it a group of people? Maybe. Is it an idea? Of course, yes. Is it a living organism? Exactly, yes. And any single cell organism has to have a spine, and that's me. But the spine is always controlled by a brain, and that is Jan. But the brain needs a heart, and that is me again. So ironic. You know what? The heart is smarter than the brain. But the brain is so effing hot." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "It is Friday morning and it is another beautiful day in Scranton, Pennsylvania. [sees man in a turban outside] Oh my God. Ohhh. [dials phone number] Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up. Oh, we have a serious problem here. [goes out onto office floor] Alright everybody, lock the doors, turn off the lights. Pretend you're not here." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Are we in danger?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "There's no time to think about if this is real. Just, shh, everybody. [knock at the front door]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Michael, should I call the... [Michael waves his hands] What?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "The IT tech guy and me did not get off to a great start." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, I tried to install it myself, but, uh, you guys have these things so password-protected..." }, { "character": "Sadiq (IT guy)", "line": "That just means you have to enter your password." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh..." }, { "character": "Sadiq (IT guy)", "line": "What's your password, Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, umm... [looks at Post-It on computer]" }, { "character": "Sadiq (IT guy)", "line": "Oh, it's 1-2-3." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Mi-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "AH! Guh-oood." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Sorry." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Please don't do that." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ok, I'm sorry. What is going on in there? Why is he here? What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I can't tell you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You have to tell me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't have to tell you anything." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Look, Michael, I know you don't want to have to think about this, but if something were to happen to you, God forbid, then I would need to know in order to take over." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight, nothing is going to happen to me, ok? I'm in the best shape of my life. Look at this. [flexes his arms] Brrr! That's strong!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, but that doesn't matter, you could get a brain aneurysm-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm not going get a brain-" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Or get hit by a car-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Stop it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Or a bus or a train. Get poisoned, fall in a well, step on a mine, choke." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh, oh, ok; if I step on a mine in Scranton, Pennsylvania, and die, you can have my job, ok? Why don't you just go... away?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "There are certain things a boss does not share with his employees. His salary, that would depress them. His bed, it--- And I am not going to tell them that I'll be reading their e-mails." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "So how do you search?" }, { "character": "Sadiq (IT guy)", "line": "By keyword phrase." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Try \"profits\". No! Try \"Michael Scott\". \"Michael\" \"boss\" and \"funny\". [Sadiq (IT guy) types; result pops up] Oh my God, wow! [chuckles] E-mail from Stanley. Stanley, Terribly nice guy. [reads e-mail] \"Sorry I didn't write back sooner; I can't go to the game tonight because my boss Michael is an ass and making me stay late.\" Well, Stanley's an ass. Not one of our harder workers." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Hey, what's the deal, Michael? Why are you spying on our computers?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, no, everybody; Oscar's gone crazy! What other ghost stories do you have for us? That I'm a robot? [robot voice] I will destroy everything in my path-" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Actually, it's just-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Beep! Bop!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Ok..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Bommmm. Bop! Onk onk. [Tin Man voice] Oil can. Oil can." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Tin Man. Actually we just a got a memo from IT saying you're doing e-mail surveillance." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, what? No. That defeats the whole purpose." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So it's true? You have access to our e-mails?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what the problem is?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I think I do." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "The problem is that when people hear the term \"big brother\", they immediately think it's scary or bad, but I don't. I think, wow, I love my big brother." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I gotta erase a lotta stuff. A lot of stuff." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh hey, just so ya know, if you have a lot of sensitive e-mails, they need to be deleted immediately." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I know." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Good. [Pam overhears]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[whispers to Jim] Hey. Something just happened. Dwight just told Angela that she has to deleted all of her sensitive e-mails immediately." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I know!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hmm..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Do you think that they're like-" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, right, no, no." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[humming]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Uhhh, ew, ew, ew... .Maybe?" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's like squishing a spider under a book. It's gonna be really gross but I have to look and make sure that it's really dead. Sooo... [to camera guys] If you guys see anything... ?" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, Dwight, um, my friend is kinda into these two girls that he works with." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Nice." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "One is tall and brunette, and the other one is short, and blonde, and perky, and kinda judgmental. Who do you think he should choose?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Does he have access to their medical records?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ummmm..." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I think one of the greatest things about modern America is the computerization of medical records. As a volunteer sheriff, I can look up anyone's psychiatric records or surgical histories. Yeast infections. There are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we are down river from that old bread factory." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Meredith has an E-vite from Jim. Barbeque at Jim's tonight. Tonight? Wonder where my e-vitation is. Click on guest list. Angela, Stanley, Oscar, Meredith, Phyllis, Kevin, Creed. Must be... .[scrolls down list] No." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, Angela-" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "How's it going?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "It's ok." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Listen, are you bringing anyone to Jim's party tonight?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No. Are we supposed to?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No. I mean, I don't know, I don't think so." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Hmm... [Pam reaches towards vending machine] Excuse me." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "There's always a distance between a boss and the employees. It is just nature's rule. It's intimidation mostly, it's the awareness that they are not me. I do think that I am very approachable, as one of the guys. But maybe I need to be even approachabler." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "That's pretty young." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[to Michael] Are you gonna eat with us?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Of course. Hangin' with my crew, crew that I am one of. Hangin' with my Cup of Noodles. This is a meal in a cup." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh hum." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hot, tasty. Reminds me of college. Lived on this stuff. Brain food. Mmmm... You know what I really, really miss about college? The parties. Everybody'd go. The athletes, the, the nerds, professors." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "The professors would go to the parties?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah! They were the most fun. We always invited them." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "It's true. I'm having a party. I've got three cases of imported beer, a karaoke machine, and I didn't invite Michael. So three ingredients for a great party. And it's nothing personal, I just think that if he were there, people wouldn't be able to relax, and you know, have fun, and my roommate wants to meet everybody. Because I'm pretty sure he thinks that I'm making Dwight up. [sighs] He is very real." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[to cameraman] What? [looks at Dwight eating a Baby Ruth] Ohhhh... Yes! Thank you!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Question: on the Internet there are several different options to get to your house for the party tonight-" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, uh, no. Could-" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I was wondering-" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Could, keep that down." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Why?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Because not everybody knows about the party." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Like who? Who doesn't know?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Umm, Michael." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Why just Michael?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Because it's a surprise." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Is it?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh hmm." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, that's perfect!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "So, don't tell." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I won't." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "So, Dwight thinks that tonight is a surprise party for Michael." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Really? That's great." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I know." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Maybe we can get him to hide and wait somewhere." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[laughs] Oh man. Oh, you know what, speaking of which, I was just trying to get a handle on, you know, numbers for food and stuff. So do you think that Roy's gonna come, or..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, no, he can't make it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, ok, cool." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey there." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Almost quittin' time." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yup, it's, uh, four o'clock." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "One more hour. Take care of anything you forgot to do. Hey, you know, I don't know if you have any plans tonight, but if ya don't, we could hang out." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, um... .I can't." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You have plans." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh hmm, definitely." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I do, too. I do, too." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You do?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I do, yeah. Big plans." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Because you said \"do you wanna hang out\"-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Tonight, I can't do it tonight, no. Improv class, I have improv class, hanging out with my improv buds-" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Aw, that sounds like a lot of fun." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's the best. It's the best. I would not miss it for the world. But if something else came up, I would definitely not go." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Improv sounds great." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It is. Ok." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[someone coughs] What?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I think Stanley just coughed." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, Pam. Do you need me to walk to your vehicular transport?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No thanks." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright. Oscar, got big plans tonight with-" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I'm on a call." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Kevin, big man, big man, what are you doing tonight? Where are you off to?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "My brother is in town and we are going to see the Alaska Film Festival at the Scien-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok, alright." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, Angela, rushy, rushy. Where you rushin' off to?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I'm just leaving for the day." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, well duh. Where ya headed?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Charity. Bake drive." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Liar!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You are a liar." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No, I'm not." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight, oh ho, Dwight, Dwight, my loyal compadre. You and I are hangin' tonight. The two of us. We are celebrating our freedom and our manhood. You know what? Why don't we watch that show that you've been wanting to watch, that stupid Battleship Galaxy." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Battlestar Galatica." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's, whatever stupid show you want-" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I can't-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "To watch tonight" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Tonight." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We're watching it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Unfortunately, I've got plans. I have to go to practice. Soccer practice." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I didn't know you played soccer, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Clarinet." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You, too, Dwight?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Have fun tonight! Whatever it is that you're doing, and I'll see you Monday. [to the camera] He has no idea!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Quick announcement everybody, if I could have everybody's attention. We do have wine in the kitchen, and, uh, there is beer available on the porch and despite what you might think, it's not all for Meredith and Kelly, so please enjoy." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jim! You really think this is a good idea, huh? A hide-a-key rock?" }, { "character": "Mark", "line": "Hey, you must be Dwight!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You don't work with us." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's because Mark's my roommate." }, { "character": "Mark", "line": "Hey, I love the Birkenstocks." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thanks. Yeah, I always keep an extra set in the car, for special occasions. Jim, come here." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh hmm." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "When is the guest of honor coming?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, uh, later-ish." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "He's gonna love it!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Great. [to a group of guests] Just wanna let you guys know that we will be taking the tour like I promised-" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey! Just in time! You wanna go on the group tour? We were just about to leave." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Definitely." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, the group tour is now leaving, then. Ladies and gentlemen, just a few things that we are gonna be pointing out to you today, you will be able to see both bedrooms and, uh, if we're lucky, maybe get a chance to peek into the bathroom, who knows. I have to remind you that flash photography is prohibited and as much as you can, please refrain from touching things. I know you might want to." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Hey, is Katy coming?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh, actually, I haven't talked to her in a while." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Huh, is it ok if I call her?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "We can talk about that later." } ], [ { "character": "Improv Teacher", "line": "Ok, let's get right into it. I need two people for the first scene." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[In Horshack voice from 'Welcome Back, Kotter'] Ooo Ooo Ooo Ooo, Mr. Cart-air, Mr. Cart-air." }, { "character": "Improv Teacher", "line": "Ok, Michael. And... anybody? How about Mary-Beth? Come on. Ok, so you start us off Mary-Beth." }, { "character": "Mary-Beth", "line": "Great. [skips] La la la la la laaa..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[fake kicks in door] Boom! Detective Michael Scarn. I'm with the FBI." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Think about this; what is the most exciting thing that can happen, on TV, or in movies, or in real life? Somebody has a gun. [gasps] That's why I always start with a gun, because you can't top it, you just can't." } ], [ { "character": "Girl acting Pregnant", "line": "I'm supposed to meet my doctor here? Have ya seen him? He's a very angry midget." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Boom! Freeze! Michael Scoon, FBI. You know what you did. Boom! Boom! Boom! [shoots at Pregnant Girl and another actor] Yeah, you thought that you could get away with your little ruse, didn't you? Didn't ya!? Well, you didn't, because I know where ya hid the diamonds. I been on to you and your little friends for weeks. [another actor steps in] Boom! Boom! Boom!" }, { "character": "Actor", "line": "I'm not even in the scene!" }, { "character": "Actress", "line": "Again!?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Boom! Boom!" }, { "character": "Improv Teacher", "line": "Stop, stop, ok, stop." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Boom! Boom!" }, { "character": "Improv Teacher", "line": "You shot me, great. Now stop." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why" }, { "character": "Improv Teacher", "line": "You can't just shoot everyone in the scene." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, if you hadn't stopped the scene, you would have seen where it was going." }, { "character": "Improv Teacher", "line": "Ok, what about the scene they set up?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Boring." }, { "character": "Improv Teacher", "line": "No, it wasn't. No more guns." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I could of-" }, { "character": "Improv Teacher", "line": "No. No. Michael, I want you to give me all the guns you have." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok." }, { "character": "Improv Teacher", "line": "Just, I want you to get rid of all your guns and give them to me. Great." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yehhhehh." }, { "character": "Improv Teacher", "line": "Yeeehh, ok." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Jim's bedroom." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "See, I knew we lost somebody on the tour. It's-" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Cool... This is your desk." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "This is my desk." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Your home office?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "My home office, this is it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Down. You have to sit down so I can get the full effect." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok, sure. Will do." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ok, wait, so that would make me [walks to side of room] like right here." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, that... Yep, that feels about right." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "And Dwight would be like-" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know what? Let's just leave that image out of it, because this is a happy place. Happy thoughts, Pam. Happy thoughts." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Umm, [gasps] yearbook!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, you don't have to, ummm. Alright, yes, that's not gonna be awkward at all." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[finds Jim's picture] Ooooohhh no!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh yeah." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You were so dorky!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thank you." } ], [ { "character": "Improv Teacher", "line": "Freeze!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm in." }, { "character": "Improv Teacher", "line": "You wanna go over the rules one more time?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, no. I'm looking in my wallet for money so you can tell me my fortune." }, { "character": "Bill", "line": "I promise it's worthit . Ooo, I can see you walking out of here and you're thrilled with your reading." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What are you... [whispers to Bill]" }, { "character": "Improv Teacher", "line": "Michael, what did you tell him?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nothing." }, { "character": "Improv Teacher", "line": "Then why are his hands up? Bill?" }, { "character": "Bill", "line": "He told me he couldn't show it to me, but he has a gun." }, { "character": "Improv Teacher", "line": "Ok, let's call it a day. Nice job, Bill." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good, it's good. Good work, everybody." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Angela, burger? Dog? Havin' fun?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I got sap on me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Chicken, hot dog, burger." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I'm a vegetarian." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "There is soda inside." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Guh." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I didn't think the premium laser color copy batch would sell as well as it did." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Yeah, it surprised us all. I'll tell you why. Because when they---" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I'm sorry guys; can we please not talk about paper? There's gotta be something else we can talk about." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "I think it's alright. Jesus drank wine. [Pam overhears]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey Phyllis, come here for a second." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Sure." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Have you heard anything about any secret office romances?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "You tell me. Well, you do mean you and Jim right? Oh God. I am so sorry, I thought, you guys hang out all the time and you're talking all the time. I'm sorry!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That's ok. It's ok." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[smacks Ryan's hand] Not so fast... Fire Guy." } ], [ { "character": "Mary-Beth", "line": "How do I get to Bernie's Tavern from here?" }, { "character": "Bill", "line": "Oh, don't worry. We're all gonna carpool." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So Bernie's, huh? We're all going to Bernie's? [to camera] Go to Bernie's?" }, { "character": "Bill", "line": "Oh sorry, we're not going as a group, it's just a private friend who just happens to know all of us from different ways is throwing a private birthday thing." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Right, right, right. Well guys, I'd love to go to Bernie's with you, but, you know, I have an office party. A big office party I need to go to, so... Can't get out of it." }, { "character": "Bill", "line": "Ok." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok, see you later. Nice job, Bill. Not." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "[singing] Here I go again on my own. Going down the only road I've ever known..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh by the way how's your side project going?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, yeah I gave that up." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, it turns out I was, um, just grasping at straws." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Just because two people are hanging out, it doesn't mean that they're together, you know? Like people can just be friends. And I think that it was really unfair to think that there was anything else going on." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[singing] Just turn around now, cause you're not welcome anymore." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Surprise! [laughs] Everybody!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Dwight..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wow! Who opened the morgue for this thing? I'm just driving by, thought I'd drop in. [to Jim] There's some wine. I would love a glass, if you're gonna open it. Here ya go Temp, take my jacket! [sees Sadiq (IT guy)] Oh, come on! That guy? He is a good guy, not a terrorist. Karaoke, I love it! I am a karaoke fiend. I call dibs. I got next, I got next up. Come on, let's get this party started, ha! Ok? Where's that wine?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok, yeah, this is a duet, so, need somebody else, Pam? You wanna come up and sing this one? Need somebody else. Takers, please. [singing] Baby when I met you there was peace unknown. Kelly? Tried to get you with a fine tooth comb. I was soft inside, there was something goin' on. This part goes to the, uh, girl. You do something to me that I can't explain. Hold me closer and I feel no pain. In every beat of my heart, we got something goin' on. Tender love is blind---" }, { "character": "Michael & Jim", "line": "[singing] It requires a dedication, all this love we feel needs no conversation. Divided, together, uh huh. Making love with each other, uh huh." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We're making love!" }, { "character": "Michael & Jim", "line": "[singing] Islands in the stream, that is what we are, no one in between, how can we be wrong? Sail away with me..." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Talk! Just talk!" }, { "character": "Mary-Beth", "line": "I am-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Shut up!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Funny story: the way that I got into improv was, I got into improv. The story about me getting into improv was that I was walking down the street, and a race car pulls up, and the guy says \"Hey you're funny, you're the funniest guy I've ever seen, or my name is not Dale Earnhardt.\" [giggles] And that was an improv. Um, the real way is that I found a flyer." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "[Oscar shakes his leg] You're going to have to stop that. [Oscar moves over] I can still feel it." } ], [ { "character": "Sadiq (IT guy)", "line": "Do you have a question or something?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um..." }, { "character": "Sadiq (IT guy)", "line": "About my turban, maybe?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nope, nope. I actually wear a turban sometimes. Wanna see it?" }, { "character": "Sadiq (IT guy)", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Got it right here. [pulls out Karnak turban]" }, { "character": "Sadiq (IT guy)", "line": "Why do you have that?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Comedy; it's funny. It's Johnny Carson, Karnak. It's, um, put it back. Huhhhh, did you have Johnny Carson in your land?" }, { "character": "Sadiq (IT guy)", "line": "In Pittsburgh? Yeah, but I never really watched him." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh. You were forbidden." }, { "character": "Sadiq (IT guy)", "line": "No, I'm much younger than you. I watched Conan." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright, I'm gonna, uhh, get a cup of coffee. Do you want some coffee er-" }, { "character": "Sadiq (IT guy)", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Or some tea or hummus or something?" }, { "character": "Sadiq (IT guy)", "line": "No, thank you." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh, this isn't good." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "It's fine." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "You don't even know what I'm talking about." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Should have done this a long time ago. Tons of personal e-mails, huge time wasters. Uh, uh huh. Wow, like Kevin, rating the best bars in Scranton? Poor Richard's number seven? Idiot. Stupid load. [phone rings] Yeah." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, Michael, accounting needs your approval on-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, I'm busy right now. [hangs up]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Here's a helpful suggestion for Jim. Jim, instead of e-mailing Amazon, to try and get that CD that you didn't receive, I suggest that you go to Visa and tell them to cancel the charge." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, definitely didn't need help with that, but, yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's seems like ya did though-" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jim. Lots of e-mails to Amazon, lots of wasted computer space. Alright, let's get back to work." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Yeah, I assumed Michael was already doing this. That's why I only use my personal e-mail account." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[moves chair to Jim and Dwight's desks] Ooo, bleh bleh bleh." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Where's your tie?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't know. Just felt like taking it off. Man, work can be just so damn frustrating don't ya think, Jim?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh, yeah, I guess." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What's going on, Michael. Talk to me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't know, same old stuff. Same old. Boss just been ridin' my ass." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh no! Jan!? What's goin' on?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't wanna talk about it. I just wanna hang out, just be one of the guys." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The most important one of the guys." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's not the point." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's exactly the point. You've hit a slump. It happens to the best of us. You just have to remember, you know-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Where you come from, and who you are." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You know, you have worked so hard for this. You are the boss; you can buy and sell us with just a snap of your little finger." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok yes, I would never do that." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, no one can snap with their little finger." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ha." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jim, this is hardly the time." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, this is completely the time, this is perfect time. This is just guys gently ribbing each other, it's what it's all about, just hangin' out. Enjoying friends, all being the same. Worker bees." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And their king bee." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, just bees, just bees hanging out, buzzing around." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Master bee." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm not a master bee." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Queen bee." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm just a bee, Dwight, ok, just a bee, just buzzin'." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hi!" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Hey babe. Hey, how are you!?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Good." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "You look good." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Hey, um, I was wondering if it'd be ok if I go to Lonny's poker game tonight. I promise, it'll be like the last time for a while." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We were supposed to go to the barbeque at Jim's house." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Oh, man. Um, could you go without me? Make something up, say I like, ate something, or..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Uhh..." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Huh, huh? You're the best. You're the best!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I might be late." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Ok, don't wake me up cause I'm playing ball in the morning." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ok." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Alright, bye. [Pam looks around the office]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[to the cameraman] Did I miss anything?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Five o'clock. Time to go get my improv on. [drinks] Little bit of the comedy juice. Mmm. Alright, see if you can guess what this is. [roars and flails his arms] That is a dinosaur getting ready to go to improv class. Just a taste of the improv." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I need to know... who shot Johnson!" }, { "character": "Mary-Beth", "line": "Uh, President Johnson. Um-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Shut up!" }, { "character": "Mary-Beth", "line": "Ok." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I have a right mind to shoot you right in the head." }, { "character": "Mary-Beth", "line": "I, I killed him. You're right! It was me!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just shut up! I don't wanna hear anything more from you." }, { "character": "Improv Teacher", "line": "No, listen to what she's saying." }, { "character": "Mary-Beth", "line": "Alright, I'll be quiet if we can make some kind of deal. A deal?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! No deal. Not with Michael Scarn, FBI. Michael Scarn doesn't make deals. Michael Scarn shoots and then asks questions later. [blows on his fake gun]" }, { "character": "Improv Teacher", "line": "Good, good." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "She was kind of tripping me up, cause she was, um, I was trying to get something going, when I was over her with the gun, and she like kept changing the story." }, { "character": "Mary-Beth", "line": "I don't think... he was saying-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, you kept-" }, { "character": "Mary-Beth", "line": "He kept saying \"shut up\"-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Going into nuclear something; that's not where the scene was going." }, { "character": "Mary-Beth", "line": "I-" }, { "character": "Bill", "line": "It goes wherever." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, it goes, it goes in the best direction, and that was not the best direction." }, { "character": "Mary-Beth", "line": "I felt like he was ordering me around, cause he-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, he, Michael Scarn, that character, orders people around, and that's, you should of just gone-" }, { "character": "Improv Teacher", "line": "All your characters order people around though, and-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well..." }, { "character": "Improv Teacher", "line": "There's stronger choices." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't think there's any stronger choice than being a really strong character." }, { "character": "Mary-Beth", "line": "We've seen you do that character before though. I mean, you know, that's cool." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, it's, like, well, it's, you know, when refine it, refine a character down to its essence, that's..." }, { "character": "Mary-Beth", "line": "Like Jim Carrey or something." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Exactly, thank you." }, { "character": "Mary-Beth", "line": "Right, well I wasn't saying that-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I appreciate that." }, { "character": "Mary-Beth", "line": "Nah, I know, I just meant that... he shot me, I just-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Or Ryan Stiles, something like that." }, { "character": "Mary-Beth", "line": "Yeah, ya know maybe, he made me get on the ground, and I didn't feel safe in this game." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You shouldn't have been, 'cause you were dealing with Michael Scarn. That was exactly what I was hoping to achieve, so that is probably the best thing you could have said, that's a compliment." }, { "character": "Improv Teacher", "line": "You succeeded." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good work." }, { "character": "Mary-Beth", "line": "Yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "And in this room here, if you look closely, you will find out a few clues about who lives here. Um, he likes biking, obviously, and uh, what else? Uh, he likes tour guides, I guess. And if you're very perceptive, you'll notice that he didn't do a great job of cleaning his room [kicks water bottle under bed]. Ok, and uh, that's the tou-" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "And he's really into penguins or something?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Um, thank you, Ryan, uh, I don't know, I think I made the mistake one day of telling someone that I like penguins, and here we are." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh, I'm sorry. I gave you a penguin." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And that's why it's on my desk, Phyllis; it means a lot to me, and now that I know it was from you, it means even more. Moving on! Uh, ok, so that's the end of the tour for now, and if you liked it please tell your friends: \"Whenever you're in Scranton, visit Casa de la Halpert\"." } ], [ { "character": "Improv Teacher", "line": "Ok, for the next exercise, let's everyone pair up.[everyone picks a partner] And everyone got somebody? Ok, good. [Michael is partner-less] Uh, ok, uh, why don't you go out in the hallway and go through all the rules in your head. Ok, you take a break and sort of run through the rules in your head. Ok, stay there." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'll just throw out some suggestions." }, { "character": "Improv Teacher", "line": "Ok, you guys wanna start? [to Michael] Don't throw out any-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "They're in a whorehouse." }, { "character": "Improv Teacher", "line": "Suggestions." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And he's a proctologist. [to teacher] What?" }, { "character": "Improv Teacher", "line": "We don't need a suggestion for this one; it's gonna come from them. [to other students] It's a game called \"Yes, and?\" and uh, you will say the first sentence. And uh, you're telling a story-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "First sentence is: \"I'm a proctologist\"." }, { "character": "Improv Teacher", "line": "We're not gonna get a suggestion for this one, it's gonna come from them. [to students] Ok, you're gonna say the first sentence and then she will say yes to that and then she'll add something to the story, like you're telling a story. [looks at Michael and then students] Oh yeah, what was he doing? Ok, why don't you take a break? Since you don't have a partner." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright, I'm ready here." }, { "character": "Improv Teacher", "line": "Ok." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Why don't you turn it up? [Ryan moves to turn up the grill] Uh! Not so fast... Fire Guy. Think we need some more heat, Fire Guy? Hey, Fire Guy, maybe we should burn Jim's house down." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "That's really funny." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hey, Kelly; I called him Fire Guy." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Good one, Kev." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah... hey Stanley-" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "He called me Fire Guy." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Oh, good one. [laughs]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "It never gets old." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Never gets old." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Go. Get the door." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Here we are." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Go. Push!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh god." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Push!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, turn it around." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Really shove it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You'll break it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Shove it through! Break it!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You shove it. Shove it back! Here we go. Don't break the branches, Dwight." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I got a splinter." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, suck it up. We all have problems. Hey, everybody, look what we have! [laughs] Nice, huh?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I've got it leveraged. Push. Straight up." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "On three. Ready? Big, one, two, three." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "One, two, three. [they push the tree up and it breaks through a ceiling tile.]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Merry Christmas!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Did it work?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[holds up the piece of tree he just cut off with a paper cutter] Well, sort of. Why did you get it so big?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "A, that's what she said, and B, I wanted it to be impressive. The biggest day of the year deserves the biggest tree of the year." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "But what are we going to do with this hacked off part?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, that is a perfectly good mini-tree, Kevin. And we are going to sell that to charity. That's what Christmas is all about." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "So this year, for the first time ever, I got Pam in Secret Santa. And I got her this teapot, which I know she really wants, so she can make tea at her desk. But I'm also going to stuff it with some inside jokes. Like, this is my high school yearbook photo. She saw it at the party, and it really makes her laugh. Not sure why. What else .. ooh. This is a hot sauce packet. She put this on a hot dog a couple years ago because she thought it was ketchup. And it was really funny, so I kept the other two. [holds up a miniature pencil] This would take a little too long to explain, so I won't. And this is the card. Because Christmas is the time to tell people how you feel." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Is there anything we're missing? Phyllis, you got the lights?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yes, I got those cute little ones. [Angela looks at her disapprovingly] Do you think I should have gotten the big ones?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "We'll see." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Angela drafted me into the party planning committee. Her memo said that we need to prepare for every possible disaster. Which to me seems excessive." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[comes into the conference room in a Santa hat and beard] Merry Christmas! Ho, ho, ho, [points to Ryan] pimp. I'm kidding. What do we got, what do we got? How many plates are we getting?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Fifty." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Double it. Double everything. Double ice cream. Double napkins. Double it. On me." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "It was a tough year. I had to fire somebody this year. This party has to really rock. Check it out. Christmas bonus. 3,000 G's. I got this for helping save the company money. So I guess some good came out of firing Devon after all. Maybe I should call him and tell him that." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I want people to cut loose. I want people making out in closets. I want people hanging from the ceilings, lamp shades on the heads. I want it to be a Playboy Mansion party. And also, I want you to spread the word that I will have my digital camera. And I'll be taking pictures all along the way. And the best and craziest thing that happens will be on the cover of the newsletter. Incentive." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You do realize that we can't serve liquor at the party." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, I know. Damn it. Stupid corporate wet blankets. Like booze ever killed anybody." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin & Oscar", "line": "One, two, three. [they lift and start to move a desk]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You guys should use a hand truck." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Do we have one?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "[having trouble with a plastic tablecloth as Pam stands idly by] Will you help me?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "No! No way! It... no." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Come on, Mike, let me borrow the hat for just a couple of hours." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You wanna be Santa?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Have you ever seen Santa?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yeah, I've seen Santa." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Who cares?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, I'm sorry. It just doesn't work." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael, I would like to be the elf." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That makes sense because he has elfish features." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[now wearing an elf hat and ears] Okay, everybody listen up! It is time to get your presents, wrap them, and place them under the tree like so. If you do not get your present wrapped and under the tree within the next five minutes you will be disqualified from Secret Santa. All right? No exceptions except Michael." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "I got Angela. She is into these posters of babies dressed as adults. I got her one of those. I felt kind of weird buying that." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I got Creed. And to tell you the truth, I don't know anything about Creed. I know his name's Creed. I know he works right over there. I think he's Irish and I .. I got him this shamrock keychain." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I got myself for Secret Santa. I was supposed to tell somebody, but I didn't [smiles happily]." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "You get something good this year?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I think I did a pretty good job." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah? Who did you have?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, I can't tell you cause it's a secret." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I think I got something pretty nice for my guy." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I spent a lot of dough. Lot of dough. Wow." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, there's a $20 limit, right? So .. ?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah. I wanted this party to be really special so I sorta went above and beyond." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's great. Well don't tell me who it is, cause I can .." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It was Ryan. Yeah. I have Ryan." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Gather round. Secret Santa, let's go. Let's go. Come on. Stanley, no, I'm going to handle the cord. Okay, safety reasons." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I know how to plug something in." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I want to do it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right, let's count it down, like Rockefeller Center. Ready?" }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Three, two, one. [very dim lights come on the tree]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Not great." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I'm sorry, everybody." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I think the tree looks nice." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey, I could get some flares from my car." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no. Shake it off, everybody. Just, let's do Secret Santa." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Presents are the best way to show someone how much you care. It's like this tangible thing that you can point to and say, \"Hey, man, I love you this many dollars worth.\"" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "First present, Oscar." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[rips off the wrapping] Shower radio. Neat." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh, good, that was from me." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Thanks, Kelly. You know I was gonna get one of .." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay. Okay. That's enough. Let's keep it moving on. Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, cool. [opens his plastic bag]" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "That's from me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Great. Where did you get it?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "I don't know. It was so long ago." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "He obviously forgot to get me something, and then he went in his closet and dug out this little number [holds up way-too-short sleeves] and then threw it in a bag." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "Yep. That's exactly what happened." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[opens up her present] Oh, my god! Thank you very much, Santa, whoever you are. It's awesome." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "There's a little more to it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "All right, next. Ryan. [tosses present]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, don't!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[unwraps present] Whoa, a video iPod." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Whoa. Wow. Jeez. Somebody really got carried away with the spirit of Christmas. That was me, I got a little carried away." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Wasn't there a $20 limit on the gift? This is 400 bucks." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You don't know that." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah, you left the price tag on." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I did?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What? Oh, shoot. Wow. Okay, well, who cares? It doesn't matter what I spent. What matters is that Christmas is fun, right?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh hey, for me. What is in here? [opens a handmade oven mitt] Oh, come on." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I knitted it for you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "An oven mitt? Okay. [walks out]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "So Phyllis is basically saying, \"Hey Michael, I know you did a lot to help the office this year but I only care about you a homemade oven mitt's worth.\" I gave Ryan an iPod." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Should we just keep opening up the presents?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "We don't do anything until Michael gives us further instructions." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I got it! We are going to turn Secret Santa into Yankee Swap." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What is Yankee Swap?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "One person chooses a gift. The next person can either choose a gift or steal that person's gift. If your gift gets stolen, then you can steal somebody else's gift or choose a new gift." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I thought that was called Nasty Christmas." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, we call it White Elephant." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, I call it fun!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Why are we doing this?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Because it's better. Because it's more special." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "It sounds mean." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Shut it. No, it's not. Okay, just give it a shot." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Michael should have asked the party planning committee first. He's not supposed to just spring things on us out of nowhere. [starts to cry]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, Meredith is up first. Here's the deal. You can either pick a new gift or you can steal somebody else's gift that they've already gotten, like the oven mitt." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I'll take the teapot." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, shouldn't we ... I bought that specifically for Pam." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yankee Swap! That's what makes it fun. Pam, you can steal the oven mitt now." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'll take the iPod." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "And I have to give it to her? I don't have a choice?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes, now you can steal the oven mitt, the old shirt or the shower radio or pick a new gift." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[after Ryan opens a new gift - a nameplate saying 'Kelly'] That was meant for Kelly." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah, I figured." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I think this is going great." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[unwrapping the poster] Yikes." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Well, it's for Angela, so .." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "That's like, the creepiest thing that I've ever seen." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Angela, you're up." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I'll take the poster. Some people like these." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I will steal the iPod." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Everyone wants the iPod. It's a huge hit. It is almost a Christmas miracle." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, well, Oscar, you little gourmand, you have the next turn." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I'll take the ... teapot." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Damn it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, moving along. Meredith, let's go." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I really want the iPod." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's already been stolen this round. Pick something else." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[holding oven mitt] I hope nobody takes this baby, cause this is great. Wow, look at that fine craftsmanship. Somebody really put a lot of work into that. It's beautiful." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I'll take the oven mitt." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sucker! See, I wanted somebody to take it. Boom! Reverse psychology." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Reverse psychology is an awesome tool. I don't know if you guys know about it, but basically you make someone think the opposite of what you believe and that tricks them into doing something stupid. Works like a charm." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[opens present] \"In addition to these paintball pellets, your gift includes two paintball lessons with Dwight Schrute.\"" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You and me, Michael. Yes!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Who wants to take paintball lessons? How is that better than an iPod?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I never said it was better than an iPod." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael keeps bragging about his iPod, but you know what? Two paintball lessons with someone as experienced as I am is worth easily, like, 2 grand." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[shooting paintball gun at target] Take that, Saddam!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Last gift. Kevin." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I want the foot bath." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "That's the thing I bought myself. I'm really psyched to use it. [pauses] Maybe I should have taken the iPod. Oh, shoot." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Pam, steal something or pick the final gift." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I want the iPod." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Damn it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Sure you don't want the teapot?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, I mean, it's an iPod. But .." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Right." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Sorry, I .." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No. No. Definitely. It's .." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Okay, well, I guess I will take that book of short stories." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes! There you go. I want the teapot. Gracias." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Got to be kidding me." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yankee Swap is like Machiavelli meets ... Christmas." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[after Phyllis leaves suddenly] What is she so upset about?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Maybe because you hated her present so much." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Come on! I think that Yankee Swap was a big hit! I think it's a success and I'm the one who ended up with Dwight's stupid paintball pellets." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, but, Michael, the point is that we all bought gifts for specific people." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "And you should have just bought a $20 gift like everyone else." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, I didn't. I got a big bonus because I fired Devon, and I used the money to buy something awesome. Sue me!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You got a bonus check?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "How much?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It wasn't. It wasn't that much. It was $3,000." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "All right, I'm done now." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Unbelievable. I do the nicest thing that anyone has ever done for these people and they freak out. Well, happy birthday, Jesus. Sorry your party's so lame." } ], [ { "character": "Liquor Store Clerk", "line": "It comes to $166.41." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right, now, you're the expert. Is this enough to get 20 people plastered?" }, { "character": "Liquor Store Clerk", "line": "Fifteen bottles of vodka? Yeah, that should do it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Cool, cool. Box it up." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I bought this teapot for Pam, and I know she really wants it. So, can I trade you for it?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No trades." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Come on, it's a shamrock keychain. Good luck." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "\"A real man makes his own luck.\" Billy Zane. Titanic." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Look, it has sentimental value, Dwight. Can I buy it from you?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No. I want it. I'm going to use it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You don't even drink tea." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "True. But I get sinus infections, and sinus infections can be cured by making your tea from green tea leaf stems .." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay .." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": ".. and pouring it directly into your nose, like so. [demonstrates]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "To think that my gift for Pam will be used for that, it's a little too much to handle." } ], [ { "character": "Roy", "line": "This is awesome." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I know. It's totally going to change the way I work out." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Yeah, I was gonna get you one of these for Christmas, and now I don't have to. I'm gonna save a ton of money." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "So what are you going to get me instead?" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "I don't know. Probably like, a sweater or something." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh-oh. Looks like Santa was a little naughty." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "What is that?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "This is Christmas spirit, as in spirits, booze." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "We can drink?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "We're really not supposed to serve alcohol." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Zip it, Toby! Just .. I mean, it's a party. Come on. If I can't throw a good party for my employees, then I am a terrible boss. Who wants a drink?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Me. Please." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Go, here we go!" } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "The deal is that this is my last hurrah, cause I made a New Year's resolution that I'm not going to drink anymore. During the week." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Hi guys." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Does everybody know my boyfriend, Bob Vance?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Kevin Malone." }, { "character": "Bob Vance", "line": "Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Stanley Hudson." }, { "character": "Bob Vance", "line": "Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Ryan Howard." }, { "character": "Bob Vance", "line": "Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "What line of work you in, Bob?" } ], [ { "character": "Roy", "line": "I think after I lost Culpepper and T.O it was over, man." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Oh, yeah, I need McMahon, Deion Branch to have big games or else I'm done." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "It's possible. I can't believe you traded Shaun Alexander, man." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I had to. I needed defense." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Come on! Shaun Alexander? He's the best back in the league." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "It's defense." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Oh, no. That is not worth it." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "It is worth it." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Never." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Are you kidding? You wait." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Anybody making out in here? [checks hallway] Not yet, give it time. Oh, hey, Ebenezer, boink. [takes picture of Jim] Okay, how's it going in here? [takes picture of Meredith and Kevin]" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "We're running low on cups. Do you want me to just run out and get some?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "There should be some .." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, no, no. We'll find some, don't leave the party." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis & Meredith & Michael & Kevin", "line": "One, two, three. [do a shot]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Kudos to Ryan, king of the party committee." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Oh, no." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, yeah, yeah." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I really did not do anything." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, no, no. No false modesty, my friend." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know, you don't have to answer calls during a party. Just thought you should know." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[laughs] No, I was just checking out my present. [holds up teapot]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "But .." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I traded with Dwight. Just, I figured, you know, you went to a lot of trouble and it means a lot. And also, Roy got me an iPod or was going to get me an iPod, so .." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, either way. This is an amazing gift because it comes with bonus gifts. Look inside." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[opens teapot] Oh my god! The yearbook picture!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, I think I made the right choice." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, my God! It's incredible. [Jim reaches and steals his card back before she can notice it] Is this the Boggle timer?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I didn't think you were going to get that one. I really didn't." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "This is so awesome." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Not bad. And if it couldn't go to Ryan, you are the guy I'd want it to go to." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're welcome." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "[grabbing Michael around the neck] Merry Christmas, asswipe!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No way. Oh, you're kidding me. Packer! Yes! Todd Packer, ladies and gentlemen!" }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "[rapping] What's up my nerds. Check it out. [points at the mistletoe stuck down his pants]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, no, no. Oh look at that. Icing on the cake." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Pacman need a drinky." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, let's fix you up. Who wants to fix up .. Toby. Toby's gonna fix you up." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[listening to music through headphones] Yeahhh." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Darryl. There you go. [hands him the Santa hat] You earned it." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "That's okay, Mike." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, no, no. I really, really want you to have it." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "All right. Thanks, man." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, Merry Christmas." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[looking at Xeroxed butt pictures] Whose butt is that?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Mine." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Oh, how did I not guess that?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[coming out of his office] Lampshade on head! It's happening!" } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "[as Jim decorates a passed out Todd Packer] Oh, no." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, hello there. [Kelly leans up and kisses him] But what are you doing?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I don't know." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You shouldn't do things like that. The man is supposed to do that." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Thanks for the party, Michael." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Bob Vance", "line": "Oh, hey. Listen up. We're going to Poor Richard's. Who's in?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I'm in." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Michael? Poor Richard's?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, that sounds good." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Christmas is awesome. First of all, you get to spend time with people you love. Secondly, you can get drunk and no one can say anything. Third, you give presents. What's better than giving presents? And fourth, getting presents. So, four things. Not bad for one day. It's really the greatest day of all time." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, Meredith. Heading over to Poor Richard's?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Yep." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Cool, cool, cool. Do you need a ride? [Meredith drops her top. Michael takes a picture] All right, let's head out. Sounds good. Do you have a coat?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay!" } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Towards me." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Towards me. That's good, towards me. Towards me. Towards me, towards me. Okay, I'm good. I'm good, I'm good." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Okay, okay. [gasping]" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Creed." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Remember on that animated special when they taught the uh, the monster to put the star on top? That's Dwight. Dwight's the monster that we taught to put the star on top of the tree. You take his teeth out, and he could put the star on top of the tree." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Do you want me to help you with that?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Phyllis and Angela and Meredith are helpers. I guess Angela's kind of... Angela's little. Phyllis and Meredith are not little. Pam is sort of a medium helper." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay. Christmas lights? Good. Tinsel? Good. Star? Good." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight is... Dwight looks like Spock to me. He always wears the ears, and I always give him grief about looking like Spock, and he hates it because he has a different pair of ears that he wears to be Spock, for some reason." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Question, Pam. Is Roy coming to the party?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, well, you didn't tell me that. Now, he will not be allowed in unless we register him on this list." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Are you kidding?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Do I look like I'm kidding? [Pam shakes her head 'no'] Phyllis, stag, I assume." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I'm bringing someone." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Really?" } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I invited someone to the party. Bob Vance. He works at Vance Refrigeration next door. That's how we met. [whispers] He's my boyfriend." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Everyone, please remain calm until we receive further instructions." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Just let us open up the presents, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Absolutely... not." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What separates humans from jungle beasts? The fact that we have rules. When humans give each other gifts, they do it properly and orderly. When bears give each other gifts they just rip open a fox carcass and present it to their mate. I prefer the human way." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Man, I really wanted that. I really wanted the shower radio, too." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, thank God you didn't steal my oven mitt. And Oscar, you little gourmand, your turn." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I'll take the tea pot." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Damn it." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "So, I guess, you really didn't want the shower radio that bad. No, I just like tea." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "No, I just like tea." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I don't know why Oscar didn't like the gift. I know he wanted a shower radio. I mean, I totally remember him telling me that he wanted one." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Kelly had me last year, too, and she gave me the same exact thing. I only have one shower." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oscar, paint ball pellets." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I guess I'll take the last gift. Cool." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It was supposed to be for Meredith, 'cause she said she likes my drawings." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Thanks. I wish I could've had it. Do you wanna trade?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah. Like anybody would want an oven mitt. [Phyllis gets up and leaves the party]" } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "So, hey, you wanna trade?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Yes, totally, 'cause I was just gonna throw this out anyway." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Really? You were gonna throw out a book?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Mmm-hmm." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[Rap music playing] [singing] The time is now, the place is here And the whole wide world is filled with cheer My name's DMC with the mike in my hand And I'm chilling and cooling just like a snow man" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[singing] So open eyes Lend us an ear We wanna say Merry Christmas and Happy New Year [Darryl whooping] Yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I'm the DJ because I really know how to heat up a party." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I do enjoy a drink now and again, but tonight, no. I am also an officer of the law and I'm unofficially on the clock. I need to stay sober and alert. Also, on a personal note, I'm not at my best when I drink." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I actually got that for you. I had you originally." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Oh, cool. It looks really interesting. What did you end up with? [Ryan pulls Creed's old coat out of a bag] Sorry." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I didn't want anything else, so I figured at least I could give it to a homeless guy." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Christmas." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah, Christmas." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What did you end up with?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Your shower radio." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You like music at least?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "I love it. I actually used to have a radio show back in the '70s." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You're kidding. What was your DJ name?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Whacky-weed Creed." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Turns out that Creed is a pretty interesting guy." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "You behaved very badly tonight." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Sorry?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "See, that's what Christmas is all about to me, is when you see someone open a gift and you think, \"Man, I wish I got that.\" I mean, that's just such a great feeling, to watch other people envying a gift that you gave to somebody else. I don't know, it's just... I don't know, just makes you kind of feel good." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hello. Jim?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What's up, buddy?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "This is not funny. Why is my stuff in here?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow, that's weird. Oh, dollar for a stapler, that's pretty good." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, well, I'm not paying for my own stuff, okay? I know you did this, because you're friends with the vending machine guy." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Who, Steve?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, Steve, whatever his name is." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Sorry. What do I want? What do I want... Oh, it's a pencil cup." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, no, no, no, no. That's my pencil cup." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Um, I don't think so, I just bought it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Uh, I think so, and you're going to hand it over to me." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I love these." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, fine. Where's my wallet?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, there it is. J1." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "But I don't have any..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Here, you know what? You can have some nickels." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[putting quarters in] Five, ten, fifteen, twenty, twenty-five..." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hello, everyone." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Good morning, Michael." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Where are we going this afternoon?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ah! Ha ha ha!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Last week, Michael sent out this mysterious memo." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "\"It's time for our first quarter camaraderie event, so pack a swimsuit, a toothbrush, rubber-soled shoes, and a ski mask.\"" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "A ski mask and a swimsuit." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "So that he can have us rob a bank, and then escape through the sewers." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "And brush our teeth." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Stanley! Bo banley." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I need to know..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Banana fana fo fanley." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "What we're doing." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Be my mo manley." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "You said bring a toothbrush." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Stanley." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Is this an overnight?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Maybe. The suspense is just so exciting, isn't it?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Should my wife tell her boss she's not coming in tomorrow?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Maybe, I don't know." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Not maybe. Yes or no." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, no. But... okay, don't spoil it for everybody, all right? But we are going on a booze cruise on Lake Wallenpaupack." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "In January?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's cheaper." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "This is not just another party. This is a leadership training exercise. Right? I'm going to combine elements of fun and motivation and education into a single mind-blowing experience." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "It is now time to unveil the destination of this year's retreat. We are going on a harbor cruise of Lake Wallenpaupack. It's a booze cruise!" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "All right!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I have a test for business school tomorrow night. Is it okay if I skip the cruise and study for that?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. This is mandatory. But don't worry, you know what? You're gonna learn plenty. This is gonna turn your life around, Ryan." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I'm already in business school." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, this..." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Wait, Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Why did you tell us to bring a bathing suit?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "To throw you off the scent." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Yeah, but I bought a bathing suit." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, just keep the tags on and you can return it." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I took the tags off already." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, that's not my fault, okay? Just.. we're not going to pay for a bathing suit. Okay, I know what you're all thinking, \"Who is this smart little cookie?\" Her name is Brenda... something, and she is from corporate. And she is here, like you, to learn from what I have to say." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am a great motivational speaker. I attended a Tony Robbins event by the airport last year, and... it wasn't the actual course. You have to pay for the actual course. But it talked about the actual course. And I've incorporated a lot of his ideas into my own course." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Leader... ship. The word \"ship\" is hidden inside the word \"leadership,\" as its derivation. So if this office is, in fact, a ship, as its leader, I am the captain. But we're all in the same boat. Teamwork!" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Last year, Michael's theme was \"Bowl over the Competition!\" So guess where we went." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Now, on this ship that is the office, what is a sales department? Anyone?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "How about the sales department is the sails?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, Darryl, the sales department makes sales. Good. Let me just explain. I see the sales department as the furnace." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "A furnace?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeesh, how old is this ship?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "How about the anchor?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "What does the furnace do?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right, let's not get hung up on the furnace. This just... it's the sales... I see the sales department down there. They're in the engine room, and they are shoveling coal into the furnace, right? I mean, who saw the movie Titanic? They were very important in the movie Titanic. Who saw it? Show of hands!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm not really sure what movie you're talking about. Are you sure you got the title right?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Titanic?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I think you're thinking of The Hunt for Red October." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I'm Leo DiCaprio! Come on!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Michael stands in the front of the boat and says that he's king of the world within the first hour, or I give you my next paycheck." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Michael, everyone in the engine room drowned." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No! Thank you, spoiler alert. You saw the movie, those of you who did. They're happy down there in the furnace room. And they're dirty and grimy and sweaty, and they're singing their ethnic songs, and... actually, that might be warehouse." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "The... no, no. No, I didn't... okay. Well, okay, in a nutshell, what I'm saying is... leadership. We'll talk more about that on the boat. Ship." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Aye aye, Captain." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[singing] A three-hour tour, a three-hour tour." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam, you are Mary Ann! We have the Professor and Ginger, welcome aboard. Angela, you are Mrs. Howell. Lovey. [to Kelly] Uh... the native. Sometimes they come from neighboring... [to Stanley] We have one of the Globetrotters, I am the Skipper, and Dwight, you will be Gilligan." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Cool." }, { "character": "Captain Jack", "line": "Actually, I'm the Skipper. But you can be Gilligan." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'd rather die. Hi, I am Michael Scott, I am the captain of this party." }, { "character": "Captain Jack", "line": "I am Captain Jack, I am captain of the ship. I'm also captain of anyone who sets foot on the ship. [to boarding passengers] Hi, welcome aboard." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "In an office, when you are ranking people, manager is higher than captain. On a boat, who knows? It's nebulose." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, look! I'm king of the world!" } ], [ { "character": "Captain Jack", "line": "Okay, all right! Welcome aboard! I am your captain, Captain Jack." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And I am the regional manager of Dunder-Mifflin, Michael Scott. Welcome, welcome!" }, { "character": "Captain Jack", "line": "Okay! So..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay! So..." }, { "character": "Captain Jack", "line": "Please. The life preservers." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Right." }, { "character": "Captain Jack", "line": "They are located underneath the seats, all along the border of the boat." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "But don't worry, you are not going to be needing life preservers tonight." }, { "character": "Captain Jack", "line": "Well, we might, okay? Please let me finish, okay? Thank you. So, the Coast Guard requires that I tell you where the safety exits are. On this ship, it's very easy. Anywhere over the side. [Dwight laughs loudly.] Not only am I your ship captain, I am also your party captain! Whoo! We're gonna get it going in just a few minutes here..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm your party captain too! And you are gonna put on your dancing shoes later on! So we are gonna..." }, { "character": "Captain Jack", "line": "Okay, Michael, if you don't mind..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Rock it!" }, { "character": "Captain Jack", "line": "Please, okay?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "If the boat's a-rockin', don't come knockin'!" }, { "character": "Captain Jack", "line": "Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yep." }, { "character": "Captain Jack", "line": "Your company's employees are not the only people on the boat tonight, okay?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We're all gonna have a good time tonight!" }, { "character": "Captain Jack", "line": "Why don't you let me and my crew do our job. You just sit back and have a good time. All right?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hm? Okay. Yep." } ], [ { "character": "Katy", "line": "You guys, it's like we're in high school and we're at the cool table. Right?" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "Pam, were you a cheerleader?" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "No, she was totally Miss Artsy-Fartsy in high school. She wore the turtleneck and everything!" }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "That's hilarious." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It's not hilarious, but..." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Where did you go to school?" }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "Bishop O'Hara." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Piss slop who cares-a? We played you! You... you really look familiar. Did you... you cheered for them, didn't you?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Um, no." }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "Yes, I did! [chanting] A-W-E-S-O-M-E! Awesome! Awesome is what we are! We're the football superstars! A-W-E-S-O-M-E!" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "I remember that! We crushed you like 42-10!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Having fun?" }, { "character": "Brenda", "line": "Yeah. Everybody's really nice." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good. Well, that is what Scranton is all about. Not like you New Yawkers." }, { "character": "Brenda", "line": "When are you going to start the presentation?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, we already sort of started it back at the office and on the dock with the Gilligan thing, so... right now, I was thinking. Yes. Okay, listen up all you Dunder-Mifflinites! I would like to talk to you all about life preservers. Now, one important life preserver in business is IT support." }, { "character": "Captain Jack", "line": "Not now, Mike, we're doing the limbo! That's right, partiers, it's time to limbo, limbo, limbo!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So, okay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Limbo, whoo!" }, { "character": "Captain Jack", "line": "All right! I need a volunteer to come up here and hold my stick. Who's it gonna be?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Me." }, { "character": "Captain Jack", "line": "Okay..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Me! Me, me, me." }, { "character": "Captain Jack", "line": "Uh... usually it's a woman." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm stronger." }, { "character": "Captain Jack", "line": "Hey, I got an idea! How would you like to steer the ship, Dwight?" } ], [ { "character": "Captain Jack", "line": "Keep us on a steady course. Keep a sharp eye out. I'm counting on you!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I was the youngest pilot in Pan Am history. When I was four, the pilot let me ride in the cockpit and fly the plane with him. And I was four. And I was great. And I would have landed it, but my dad wanted us to go back to our seats." } ], [ { "character": "Captain Jack", "line": "All right, all right, that was great! Now it's time for the dance contest!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "But before that, I have to do my presentation." }, { "character": "Captain Jack", "line": "Nope! Dance contest!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right, we'll have a motivational dance contest! Hit it! Yeah, okay, dancing! It is a primal art form used in ancient times to express yourself with the body and communicate!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sometimes you have to take a break from being the kind of boss that's always trying to teach people things. Sometimes you have to just be the boss of dancing." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[singing] What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor early in the morning?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Hey, come inside and talk to me." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I can't. Do you want us to run aground, woman?!" } ], [ { "character": "Darryl & Katy", "line": "[chanting] Snorkel shot! Snorkel shot!" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Whoo! Who's next? Come on, Pam! Come on! Come on!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, I'm not going to do that." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Come on!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "That's what I'm talking about!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, why don't we find like a quieter place to hang out?" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "I've just gotta wait for Darryl to do his shot. Just a minute. Come on! [chanting] Darryl! Darryl!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's getting kind of rowdy down there." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah. [chanting] Darryl! Darryl! Darryl!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Sometimes I just don't get Roy." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I mean, I don't know. So... what's it like dating a cheerleader?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, um... [A long silence.]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm cold." } ], [ { "character": "Captain Jack", "line": "So, what's this presentation all about?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ah! See, this is of general interest. It is about priorities and making decisions, using the boat as an analogy. What is important to you? If the boat is sinking, what do you save?" }, { "character": "Captain Jack", "line": "Women and children." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no. Salesmen and profit centers." }, { "character": "Captain Jack", "line": "That's a stupid analogy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, well, obviously you don't know anything about leadership." }, { "character": "Captain Jack", "line": "Well, I was the captain of a PC-1 Cyclone Coastal Patrol Boat during Desert Storm." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wow. You should be the motivational speaker." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah. He gives me real responsibility, Michael. Captain Jack delegates. He's let me steer the ship for the last hour." } ], [ { "character": "Katy", "line": "I'd like to be engaged. How did you manage to pull that off?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Uh, I've been engaged for three years, and there's no end in sight. So... you don't wanna ask my advice." } ], [ { "character": "Captain Jack", "line": "Suppose your office building's on fire. Jim, who would you save?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Um... let's see, uh... The customer. Because the customer is king." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Not what I was looking for, but a good thought." }, { "character": "Captain Jack", "line": "He's just sucking up!" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "When you were in the Navy, did you ever almost die?" }, { "character": "Captain Jack", "line": "Oh yeah, oh yeah. And I wasn't thinking about some customer. I was thinking about my first wife. The day I got back on shore, I married her." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know what? I would save the receptionist. I just wanted to clear that up." } ], [ { "character": "Roy", "line": "Hello, everybody, could I have your attention for just a second? Could you listen to me for a second? We were up at the front, and we were talking about what's really important, and... Pam, I think enough is enough. I think we should set a date for our wedding. How about June 10th? Come on, let's do it! Come on, Pam!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't want to take credit for this, but Roy and I were just having a conversation about making commitments and making choices. Right? Did I motivate you?" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "No, it was Captain Jack." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well... could have been either one of us, because we were pretty much saying the same thing. Congratulations. That is great!" }, { "character": "Captain Jack", "line": "We gotta celebrate! Hey, I got an idea, I got an idea. I can marry you right now, as captain of the ship!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes! I can marry you as regional manager of Dunder-Mifflin!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, no, I want my mom and dad to be there." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Then I'll give you away!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, thank you." } ], [ { "character": "Katy", "line": "Do you think that'll ever be us?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "What is wrong with you? Why did you even bring me here tonight?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I don't know. Let's break up." }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "Whoa. What?" } ], [ { "character": "Captain Jack", "line": "This is where Captain Jack drives the boat." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Wow!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Seasick? Captain Jack says you should look at the Moon." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Captain Jack is a fart face. I'm on medication." }, { "character": "Brenda", "line": "Really? What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Vomicillin. Okay. All right. It's time to be boss. It's time to motivate. Let's blow some minds here. Okay, guys, guys, cool it. Everybody, Dunder-Mifflin Scranton employees, Brenda, I have some very, very urgent news I need to tell everybody right now. Listen up. The ship is sinking! Okay? We're going down, right now. Just wrap your heads around the reality of that. Shh, please! Everybody, it's my turn now, okay? Captain Jack is gone. In five minutes, this ship is going to be at the bottom of the lake! And there aren't enough spaces on the lifeboat! Who are we gonna save? Do we save sales? Do we save customer service? Do we save accounting? This is a business scenario. Right? It's a scary... it's a..." }, { "character": "Captain Jack", "line": "Hey! Hey! What the hell is going on here?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's a predicament, and it's something that each and every one of us has to think about." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm in the brig. See? The boat's not as corporate-friendly as advertised. What was the deal with the guy jumping overboard? What was... if he had just waited and heard what I had to say, he would be motivated right now and not all wet." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Is somebody there?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What happened to you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Captain Jack has a problem with authority." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, right, because you announced that his ship was sinking?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "He just totally lost it. If you ask me, he caused the panic." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What a night." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, it's nice for you. Your friend got engaged." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "She was always engaged." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Roy said the first one didn't count." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's... great. You know, to tell the truth, I used to have a big thing for Pam, so..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really? You're kidding me. You and Pam? Wow. I would have never have put you two together. You really hid it well. God! I usually have a radar for stuff like that. You know, I made out with Jan..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, I know." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah? Yep. Well, Pam is cute." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah. She's really funny, and she's warm. And she's just... well, anyway." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, if you like her so much, don't give up." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "She's engaged." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "BFD. Engaged ain't married." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Huh." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Never, ever, ever give up." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Don't worry, Michael. I'm taking us to shore." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's a fake wheel, dummy." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Are you all packed?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Yes, I brought my duffel bag and a sleeping bag." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Where do you guys think we're going?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Definitely some place you can swim." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Right." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Maybe Florida." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Did you hear something?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[knocking] Yeah." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Hello, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hello." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Can we come in?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Of course, yeah, yeah, yeah." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Thank you very much." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Have a seat." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Brenda." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, every man's dream." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Oh, really? A surprise visit from his boss?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Two ladies at once. What? Why are you looking at me like that? Okay, you heard something. Um, yeah, it's a booze cruise, but it... There's more to the story than that. It..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "A booze cruise? What do you mean?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Leadership off-site. Uh, booze cruise is just a rhyme..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Michael, we discussed the IRS's regulations." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, I don't even know why I said booze cruise. I don't even think there's booze on the boat." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Okay, this event has to have legitimate business content to be tax deductible." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Of course." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "We discussed that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Of course, of course. Yes. Yes. Look, I have a whole program planned. Jan, this program is going to change people's lives. I am going to be dropping serious knowledge all over the boat." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Good. This is Brenda Matlow from corporate training." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hello." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I thought she could attend tonight, and if your event is appropriate, you could give it to other branches." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, cool. Cool. And maybe you could attend tonight and then you could stay over at my house for the night. Awkward. That's... You know what. Brenda, could Jan and I have a moment alone?" }, { "character": "Brenda", "line": "Jan said if you asked me that I was supposed to say no." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really? You seriously said that? Okay. Brenda, could Jan and I have a moment alone?" }, { "character": "Brenda", "line": "Sure..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Brenda." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thanks." }, { "character": "Brenda", "line": "I mean, no." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Okay, you know, I'm gonna go now, and..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, okay." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Good luck, Brenda." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'll see you later." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Okay, see you later. And try to be professional." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'll call you later." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "No, that's all right." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's like..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "You call me if you need anything, Brenda." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'll call you, too. [to Brenda] So. You are probably gonna get carded, so I can make you a fake ID. We have a laminating machine." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "What is a sales department? Oscar, what do you think?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I don't know what the categories are of workers on a boat." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm not giving you the answer. Deck hands is one. And..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, oh, can I be the first mate?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I'm first mate. You're second mate. I'm first mate, as the captain." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "How about the anchor?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, the anchor is the only thing that kind of slows the ship down. Toby is the anchor. Oh, God. He, well... [to Brenda] Tell you about Toby later, he's awful." }, { "character": "Brenda", "line": "Yeah, I know Toby from Jan's birthday." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Hey, Brenda." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, hey, Toby. So... It's an analogy." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Toby running to get on the cruise] Hey! What's wrong with you? You missed the boat." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I got lost." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Idiot." }, { "character": "Captain Jack", "line": "We can go back." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, no. That's his punishment for not being here on time. Too bad, anchor!" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I guess I shouldn't have stopped for dinner." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "On the high seas, Captain Jack is the leader. On the land it's Michael. On the ramp up to the boat, I was a bit conflicted. But now that I'm here, I'll follow Captain Jack to hell and back." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey, Captain Jack, what kind of fish they got in this lake?" }, { "character": "Captain Jack", "line": "Perch, bass." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You know, my grandfather told me there was a monster here that eats Catholics. Have you heard..." }, { "character": "Captain Jack", "line": "I haven't heard that, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "If the hull is breached for any reason or the boat is overtaken, I am a volunteer Sheriff's Deputy, and you can count on me." }, { "character": "Captain Jack", "line": "That's good to know, Dwight. Thanks." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Your problem now, Captain Jack." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey. You know what the best way of studying is?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "At home, not on a boat?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Flash cards." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Flash cards. Doesn't really help me right now because I'm on a boat." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You are gonna get seasick if you keep reading in here." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Well..." } ], [ { "character": "Captain Jack", "line": "Yeah! All right. All right. That was awesome. All right, looks like the guitar player's gonna take a little break. So this'd be a great time to head on over to the taco bar. All right." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That is a great way to kill this party. Not on my watch. Let's, uh,... Let's rock. Let's rock some stuff here, okay? [playing badly] Okay... I'm hearing a little too much reverb. [feedback echoing] Can we down the reverb? All right. Follow my lead. [playing Smoke on the Water] Does you guys know that? Take the bass. Take the drums. What?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Do you want me to give it a shot? Just..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what? I don't think it's in..." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "I..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's not in tune. I don't know if you can..." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "I don't know, let's try." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "...make much of out of it, Creed. Good luck to you. I don't know. It is a defective ax, my friend." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good luck." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Guys, E, blues. Follow me, okay? [playing well]" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Yeah!" } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "Back in the '60s, I was with the Grass Roots. We toured with Janis Joplin, The Doors, Cream. We had a lot of fun, And now I do quality assurance for a paper company. As you can imagine, drugs played a part. They still do. My work calls last about 90 seconds, and that's about as long as I can concentrate." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Those slide moves are just bush league. I hope I die before I'm old." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[throwing up]" } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[speaking Spanish] Por favor, tequila seoor." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I think you've had enough." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "What you say, bitch? You know, you might be right." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "You've been to the lake before?" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Yes, I have. [kisses Pam]" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Should have done it a long time ago." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes, you should have." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "I do what's right whenever I figure it out. I love you, babe." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Love you." } ], [ { "character": "Katy", "line": "You should make a toast." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, I really don't want to." }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "Jim, come on, don't be shy." }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "Everybody, everybody? There is a toast. Come on..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah! Toast!" }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "Yeah, toast! Toast! Toast!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Come on." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thanks, Katy. Um, didn't really prepare anything to say. We're all caught pretty unprepared with this whirlwind courtship. I guess I just wanna say that Pam is the greatest. My best friend. And she's awesome. And..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, okay. My turn, my turn. Is this thing on? Uh, I want to congratulate the happy couple. You know, they say that marriage is an institution. And I say, who wants to be in an institution?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's my line! That's my line, That's... I always say that at weddings. So I'll just think of something else to say. I... [band starts playing]" }, { "character": "Katy", "line": "Cheers." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, Jim. You got a hat?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thanks." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "[to Angela] So this is..." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[storms out of Michael's office] Well, we're not going to Florida." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh. Someplace with a pool, then?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[gives Phyllis a look]" } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "...Lord of the Rings trilogy, if you see it back to back, it's really long. But it's good." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[off camera] Yeah, that's right." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam! It's Michael. Help me! I need help right now." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael, what's wrong?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm hurt, I have hurt myself. Oh my God!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ok, wait wait wait wait..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ungh, this is not looking good Pam!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael, do you need me to call an ambulance?!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I want you to pick me up." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ok..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What's going on?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Wait a second, I thought you said that you were hurt." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am hurt. I hurt my foot." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm sorry? Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[exasperated]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What is going on?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I want to come to work. But I need you to come and pick me up. [Jim lunges across Pam's desk and puts Michael on speakerphone]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OH GOD!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, whoa, Michael..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh God!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It's, okay, it's Jim. Just say again, uh, really loudly what happened." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK, buhhhh, I burned my foot very badly on my Foreman Grill and I now need someone to come and bring me into work." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You burned your foot on a Foreman Grill?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon, sue me. And since I don't have a butler, I have to do it myself. So, most nights before I go to bed, I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman Grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill, I go back to sleep again. Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious, it's good for me. It's the perfect way to start the day. Today I got up, I stepped onto the grill and it clamped down on my foot... that's it. I don't see what's so hard to believe about that." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam, could you come get me?!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Uh, I have to stay here and answer the phone." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok, could someone come and get me please, Ryan?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Michael, you should stay home and rest." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "There's no toilet paper here. Could Ryan... tell Ryan to bring toilet paper. Could you tell 'em that?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Can you hop?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I tried hopping, Kevin, and I bumped my elbow against the wall and now my elbow has a protruberance." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[panicked] No one wants to pick me up!?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[silence, Dwight enters the office] What is going on? What is going on?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael, is, um, sick and he wants one of us to rescue him." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm not sick! I'm burned!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm coming Michael!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm gonna save you!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Don't... is that Dwight? I do not want Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hold on Michael! I am coming! Wait there!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't want Dwight!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael, why don't you call your girlfriend?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't have a girlfriend." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "But you said that you went out with her this weekend." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It was all made up. Just someone come, ok? Anyone. Anyone but Dwight." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[sounds of a car crash] What was that..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What was that?! [everyone runs to Michael's office window]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ohhhhhh!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "He hit the pole!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It's broken right, he can't..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh my gosh." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh Dwight, Dwight, [Dwight pukes on his back windshield] Ohhhhhh!" }, { "character": "Jim & Pam", "line": "Oh my God!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Is he ok?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "He's still driving... Dwight, you forgot your bumper!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hellooo? ... Please don't send Dwight!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Morning everyone. Don't freak out. I forbid anybody to freak out. Clearly, I have had a very serious accident, but I will recover, God willing. I just want to be treated normally today. Normal would actually be good, considering the trauma that I've been through." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You missed two big conference calls today, one with corporate." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Did you explain why?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, I didn't mention that you cooked your foot." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Burned my foot, Pam." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Please stop popping my cast. Thank you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "So, where are you shipping your foot?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ha ha ha. So where are you shipping..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Your foot?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you. Pam, messages please?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You didn't have any." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really, well, it, uh, seemed very important to you earlier that you needed to stay and..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "And do my job?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, your job is being my friend, Pam. OW! God!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[holding mini-fan] It slipped." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Sorry." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's just that before, you said that you didn't want any special treatment." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't want any special treatment, Pam. I just want you to treat me like you would some family member who's undergone some sort of serious physical trauma. I don't think that's too much to ask." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Do you want some aspirin, because you seem a little fussy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I don't want some aspirin, yeah I'm a little fussy. Aspirin's not gonna do a damn thing. I'm sitting here with a bloody stump of a foot." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey, Pam, I'm assistant regional manager, and I can take care of him. Part of my duties are to." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What? Part of your duties are to what?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You just said \"part of your duties are to\" something." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, I didn't." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, you did. What is wrong with you?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What is wrong with you?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Where is my cornbread?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Here you go." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you. Did you get all dark meat like I like?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yes. I ordered three full rotisserie chickens worth of all dark meat." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Where are the yams?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "They were out of yams. I got you creamed spinach." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Did you go to the one in Stroudsburg?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And they had no yams?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "They had no yams." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "How strange. Because they always have yams." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Aw, man, is that a Prism Duro-Sport?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You've seen one of these?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, they're like an i-Pod only they're better 'cause they're chunkier and more solid." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Roy gave it to me for Christmas. I'm trying to figure out how to put songs on it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, no no no. Don't go there. I know this Russian website where you can download songs for two cents a piece." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, I'll write down the address for you. Only, the only thing is, is that all the songs are in Russian. ... Kidding!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh! Ha, haha." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Why would they all be...? Ok, see you later, Pan." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Pan?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam... PAAAM!?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, God." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[phone rings] What." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Come here please." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Tell me before I come there." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I want you to rub butter on my foot." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam, please? I have Country Crock." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh, ow. Ryan! ... Ryaaaaan ... RYYYYAN!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "These covers are totally indestructible." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah. Throw it. I promise it won't break. Chuck it. [Pam throws her mp3 player]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh no, it's broken." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What?!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, it's fine. I told you it wouldn't break. You could throw it all day long." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That is so cool. Thanks Dwight!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yep." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "So, I guess Pam and Dwight are friends now." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh God no, Dwight isn't my friend... Oh my God! Dwight's kind of my friend!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, nope, no one is helping me out at all Mom. No, I'm not gonna call Jan. She'd just worry... drive down here and make a big thing... Who told you that? No, it was mutual. What is Pam doing chatting with you?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Huh. Do you like candy?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "It's alright." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Cause you're sweeter than candy." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "What is wrong with you? [Dwight pats Angela on the rear and runs away laughing]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Hey!" } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Wow, you just dive right into it." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "You know, around age twelve, I just started goin' for it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[loud noise in bathroom] No! Guh! OW! Awww, help, help me!" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "What, what happened?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I fell off the toilet. I'm caught between the toilet and the wall." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "What do you need?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ugh, not you. Someone else. Get Pam." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I don't think Pam's gonna want to come into the men's room." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Get Ryan. He needs to lift me. [Ryan shakes his head] and he needs to clean me up a little bit. Bring a wet towel." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Ryan, is, uh, dead." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, he's not." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Dead." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I just saw him." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "No. Can't, can't you just get up yourself? I... You only grilled your foot." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ugh, forget it. I'll just get up myself. No! Uh, aaaahhh! Ah! Oh God!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Do you think Dwight's bein' a little weird today?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, he's actually been really nice and helpful." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And that isn't weird?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Wow..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Can I have everyone's attention please? Phyllis, Oscar, Ryan, who's supposed to be dead, can I ask you all a question? Do you all know what it's like to be disabled? Oscar?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Um, I had scoliosis as a girl." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, never heard of it. No, a real disability, not a woman's trouble." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "When I was a teenager, I was in an iron lung." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wuh, how, how old are you? Look, the point is, I am the only one here who has a legitimate disability, although I'm sure Stanley has had his fair share of obstacles." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I'm not disabled and neither are you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok, [lifts up cooked foot] what does this look like to you Stanley?!" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Mailboxes, Etc." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Shuuut it, ok, well, well you know what, disabilities are not things to be laughed at or laughed about. You people are jerks. Imagine if you had left Stevie Wonder on the floor of that bathroom instead of me." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh, we wouldn't. We love Stevie Wonder." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[sigh] I burned my foot!!! Ok, twenty minutes, conference room, everybody's in there!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[looking up at Creed] Dad?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "While we are waiting for our special guest to arrive, I wanted you all to take a look at a few of the many, many disabled icons who have contributed so much to our society." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Quick question: uh, why is Tom Hanks on the wall?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Twice." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good question. Forrest Gump: mentally challenged, Philadelphia [points to a picture from Big]: AIDS." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I think that's from Big." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't think so, no." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Yeah, he's dancing on a piano with Robert Loggia." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "He grew into a man overnight. Rare disability, still works. [sigh] A crossword puzzle Stanley, seriously, are you learning nothing here?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Uh hmmmm... ." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What you mean uh hmmm... ?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I mean I'm learning nothing." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok." }, { "character": "Billy Merchant", "line": "Michael Scott, I'm looking for Michael Scott." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, right in here, come on in." }, { "character": "Billy Merchant", "line": "Great." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "This, ladies and gentlemen, is our special guest." }, { "character": "Billy Merchant", "line": "Sorry I'm late. Someone parked in the handicapped parking space." }, { "character": "Billy Merchant", "line": "Hey everyone, I'm Billy Merchant, you may have seen me around here before, I'm the properties manager of this office park" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You are so brave. You are so brave." }, { "character": "Billy Merchant", "line": "Thank you. Actually, I've been meaning to come by here for a long time..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "But it's hard for you! Right? Because you're in a wheelchair." }, { "character": "Billy Merchant", "line": "No, I just have a lot of properties to manage." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Let me ask you something, how long does it take for you to do something simple, every day, like brush your teeth in the morning?" }, { "character": "Billy Merchant", "line": "I don't know, like 30 seconds?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh my God, that's three times as long as it takes me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "How did you get in your wheelchair?" }, { "character": "Billy Merchant", "line": "This morning? Just like every other morning, just climbed on in. [Everyone laughs]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, hey, hey, not funny! Not funny." }, { "character": "Billy Merchant", "line": "Hey, hey, relax, just jokin around here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, that's good, he still has a sense of humor." }, { "character": "Billy Merchant", "line": "Listen, I've actually used a chair since I was four years old. I don't really notice it anymore." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well they notice it. Don't you? You notice it. It's the first thing you saw when he rolled in here, isn't it?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I want to clamp Michael's face in a George Foreman grill." } ], [ { "character": "Billy Merchant", "line": "So, there are just a couple things I want to remind everybody of..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok..." }, { "character": "Billy Merchant", "line": "First is parking. You can't block the freight entrance with your car, even if your blinkers are on. Does anybody have any questions? [to Dwight, whose arms is raised] Yes. Yeah? yes..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Dwight, you have your hand up." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ignore him. You know what? We're not that different, you and I. When I clamped my foot into a non-stick..." }, { "character": "Billy Merchant", "line": "You know what Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah..." }, { "character": "Billy Merchant", "line": "Let me stop you right there." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok." }, { "character": "Billy Merchant", "line": "And leave." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Did you see Born on the Fourth of July? I was under the impression that Billy would be more like that guy." } ], [ { "character": "Billy Merchant", "line": "What's wrong with that guy?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You mean today? He stepped on a George Foremen grill and he burned his foot." }, { "character": "Billy Merchant", "line": "No, not Michael. The moon-faced kid who crashed into the pole. He looks like he has a concussion." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[popping his bubble wrap cast] Hey!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I found the pudding cups you wanted in a gas station in Carbondale!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You did it! Look at you, and with the plate and the napkin. Very nice. Thank you, Ryan." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "You are very welcome." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Did you get the yams?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "No, the gas station in Carbondale did not have fresh yams!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[sigh] Ok, I'll just have the pudding." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "You sure?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeh." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Ok." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what? I feel better. Ryan brought me some chocolate pudding and his kindness healed my foot." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, baby, I am feelin' better. My body's literally healing itself. It is amazing what the human body is capable of when you have a powerful brain." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I ground up four extra-strength aspirin and put them in Michael's pudding. I do the same thing with my dog to get him to take his heartworm medicine." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh, finally feel the blood coursing through my foot veins." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[hits his head on his desk] Uh, ugh, ohhhh..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh, ok, I think we need to take him to the hospital because I'm pretty sure he has a concussion." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, now you feel some compassion for him." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "He needs to go right now, and you're his emergency contact. I think that you should go with him." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why don't you go with him?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I, barely know him..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I want Michael to take me..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I can't take you, I don't have my car and yours is all vomity." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "You can take my van!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, ok, that's, great. No, I can't drive. Jim why don't you drive." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Fine." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We'll go. I'm still recovering. So let's just, Ryan, could you get my coat please." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Slowly, slowly. Let's just get to the elevator." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Choo choo choo choo choo choo..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What are you doing? What, stop..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Vietnam sounds." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Dwight falls onto the couch] Stop, stop, stop, stop." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Tired... [Jim grabs spray bottle from planter]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You can't lay down." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Want to take a rake... ." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wake up. [sprays Dwight]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ahh!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Dwight, here, let me help you Dwight." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm just gonna get..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ok, Pam, thanks." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Get up, get up." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You're the best." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Just keep him awake." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It smells like chicken soup." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I know." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I have to go to the hospital." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I know." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Where we going?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I just want to say goodbye ok?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'll be back, I mean..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes, I know, but it's gonna be different." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Why?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's just hard to explain." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Aw, Pam, you're adorable [taps her nose]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh my goodness!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[giggles]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Come here." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, huggy hugs." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Shotgun!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You don't think you should sit in the back with Dwight?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "The rules of shotgun are very simple and very clear. The first person to shout \"shotgun\" when you're within the sight of the car gets the front seat. That's how the game's played. There are no exceptions for someone with a concussion." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, God, a mini-van. What is Meredith's problem?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, I think she has a kid." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, yeah she has one kid, no husband. She's not gonna find one driving this thing around." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Where are we going?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Come on, get inside." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Where are we going?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "We're going to Chuck E. Cheese." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Chuck E. Cheese? Oh, God, I'm so sick of Chuck E. Cheese." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "We're going to the hospital, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know, just sayin'." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight, what are you drinking?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I found it under the seat." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh my God, Dwight, put that down." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm thirsty." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Give the bottle to Michael [sprays Dwight]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Give the bottle to Michael!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm thirsty!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Give it to me." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight... [to Jim] You just keep your eyes on the road. [to Dwight] Give me the bottle or you're fired." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You can't fire me, I don't work in this van!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Give it to me Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No. [takes a drink]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Give me the bottle!!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[to Michael] Will you stop?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Gimme the bottle, Dwight!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Michael stop." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[drinks] Mmmmm..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just give it!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Michael stop. [sprays Michael, then Dwight]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Stop, stop it! Stop spraying! [Dwight whines] Gimme the bottle!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Stop [sprays Michael]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "My eyes!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Stop spraying me! Gimme the bottle!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "My eyes!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight, what is your middle name." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Danger." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[sigh] Something with a \"K\"." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It's Kurt. Wow, I am so sad that I know that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What do I write under \"reason for visit\"?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Concussion. [Michael scribbles something out] What did you write?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nothing. I wrote \"bringing someone to the hospital\"." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "So you thought they meant your reason for coming to the hospital." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No... you know what Jim, this isn't about me anymore. I made a miraculous recovery, which is more than I can say for him. [Dwight falls towards Jim]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Come on Dwight. [sprays Dwight]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hi Michael!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hi Dwight." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ahhh. Mweehaa" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Doctor, what is more serious, a head injury or a foot injury?" }, { "character": "Doctor", "line": "A head injury." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, you don't have all the information. The foot as been fairly severely burned and healed quickly, very quickly, actually like suspiciously quickly." }, { "character": "Doctor", "line": "[to Dwight] So, I'm ordering a CAT scan." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What is that?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Look since you have the machine up and running, can I just stick my foot, we take a look?" }, { "character": "Doctor", "line": "Well, for a burn, you really just need to look at the outside of the foot." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok, what kinda machine is that?" }, { "character": "Doctor", "line": "Does the skin look red and swollen?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's what she said." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's my joke, damnit Dwight." } ], [ { "character": "Lab Tech", "line": "Ok, no electronics past this point. Camera, sound equipment..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's ok, they're with me." }, { "character": "Lab Tech", "line": "No metal of any kind." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright, well, I guess this is where we leave you off." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I don't want to do this." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh, well you should of thought of before you crashed your head on your way to pick me up. We'll, see you when you get out." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Fine. Fine." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dunder Mifflin, this is Jim." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh my God, what is going on, is Dwight ok?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh hmm, he should be fine, but, uh, they brought him in for a CAT scan." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I can't believe he's getting a CAT scan." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Michael went in there with him too. It's pretty sweet." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Really? Michael went in with him?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh huh." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Wow." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "But they shouldn't be much longer now, so we'll be back soon." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ok, that's uh, good news [Pam sees Angela eavesdropping] Uh, yeah, no I'll let you go." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ok. Bye." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Bye." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, Oscar?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What's up, Pam?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I just wanted to let you that Dwight's gonna be ok. The doctor said there's a really simple treatment for a concussion, so he'll probably even be back at work tomorrow." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Ok..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I just, uh, thought you'd want to know that." } ], [ { "character": "Lab Tech", "line": "Ok Mr. Schrute, inhale with me on three. One, two, uh Sir? [Michael tries to put his leg in the scanner] Stop that. Stop. Stop that." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[Jim popping Michael's bubble wrap cast] You should put butter on it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh, that's what she said. See, haven't lost my sense of humor. No, no need, it was a non-stick grill." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I've had a Foreman grill for about six years, I've done about 85% of my cooking on it, but I've never burnt myself, probably because I don't use it as a pillow." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I always keep a stash of bubble wrap at my house. Some days, hectic, tiring days, I just like to go home and zone out and click on the tube and pop a few. Very soothing. [to the interviewer] Want to try?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know, that's probably not gonna last too long, you should go to a hospital and get a real cast." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Right, I'm gonna spend the day in the hospital, bujehh. Bureaucracy and germs." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And doctors." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, so, no thank you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Pssht." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Constructing a home-made cast? Genius. Filled with foresight. Like in the pioneer times, if you lost a leg, they would then use the bone of the leg for a cane. They wasted nothing." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wow, I don't want to hear... you talk. Pam, could I have a word with you in my office? [stumbling] Oh, oh, oh. Alright." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "My assignment is to make a temporary disabled parking permit for Michael Scott." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Ooo! Who made popcorn? [Michael rubbing butter on his foot]" } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "[on speakerphone] Well you know, frankly a lot of us have been saying this for a long time." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, I've been sayin that." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Yeah, and I, uh, I think that the very fact that we're including it in our agenda frankly, is a big step forward." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Did you know I used to be in HR?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I'm sorry?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I used to be in HR. I was a Hell raiser." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Uh, ok." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Right? [laughs]" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Uh, great. Why don't we move on?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright. Movin' on." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Great. Because you that I think the very fact that [Michael mutes the call]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ry-an. You're here. Whatcha got, whatcha got? Alright, Panic Room, Maverick, Nell, Sommersby, The Accused. Where's Little Man Tate?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "They were out." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh come on." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "At three different places." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh man. It's not a Jodie Foster afternoon without Little Man Tate, buddy." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mmm, I'm telling you the best cure in the world is comfort food. You know how they say \"stuff a cold\"? Well I don't care you've got, the flu, Lyme disease, emphysema, you eat an entire dark meat chicken, you can walk on the moon." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Look, I feel fine. As a volunteer sheriff's deputy I have been trained to notice all the signs of a concussion. One of them is slurred speech, ok? Number three, shortness of breath. There are four things you have to remember. One: I am faster than 80% of all snakes. Also." } ], [ { "character": "Doctor", "line": "We need to get your friend into the CT machine." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Into a machine?! Ok. Uh, that's bad, will you stay with me?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ok, will you please call my cousin Mose?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I'm not calling your weirdo cousin. Twenty-seven years old, never left the beet farm." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh God. Oh God." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Guh-od." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh God." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok, I'll stand near you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Next to me?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Next-ish." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm gonna pull the car around." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Shh shh shh shh." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Do you speak Spanish?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. Do you?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, I don't." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Not much what's up with you?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, I can not believe I fell for that. [laughing] Oh, my God." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ah, ah, ah, what? What? Where's the funny? Give it to me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Umm, is it me or does it smell like up-dog in here?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What's up-dog?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nothin' much what's up with you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, oh, wow! I walked right into that. Oh, that's brilliant!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, Stanley, is that jacket make of up-dog?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I'm on the phone." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mmm, what flavour coffee is that? Up-dog?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "What's that?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't know, nothin', what's up with you?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Huh?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[low] No, damn it!" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "What does that mean?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What does what mean?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "The thing you just said?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just forget it." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight! Hey is it me or does this place smell like up-dog?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What's up-dog?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Gotcha! [laughing] Oh, God. [low] Crap! Nothin' how ya doing?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Good. How are you doing?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[mouthing] So close." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[low] Damn it." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Today is spring cleaning day here at Dunder Mifflin. And yes I know its January. I am not an idiot. But, if you do your Spring cleaning in January; guess what you don't have to do in the spring? Anything. They say a cluttered desk means a cluttered mind. Well I say that an empty desk means a..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Empty mind." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, that's not... no, that's not what I was going to say." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Meredith, men's room. Make sure you replace the urinal cakes. They're worn down. Kevin file drawers. Angela kitchen. Oscar dusting. Where is Oscar?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "He's out sick." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's unacceptable." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I agree it's unacceptable. [longing look]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Whhh... What are you guys doing?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oscar is out sick." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "On a Friday? [Dwight nods]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Can I do some of the talking?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I will do all the talking." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ok, let him know that I'm here." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Hello." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What difference does it make whether your here?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Hello?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hi, Oscar its Michael." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And Dwight." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yechh, yeah, um, heard you were under the weather?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Yeah I think I came down with the flu." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really? Oh, that is a shame. You know it's cleaning day here today? Could have used some of that famous Hispanic cleaning ethic." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Yeah, I feel terrible about it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ask him his symptoms. I'm on Web M.D." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What are your symptoms?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I have the chills." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Umm, hmmm." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I feel nauseous and my heads killing." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Checks out." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Michael is there anything you need from me? I'd like to go back to bed." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I need you to go back to bed. I need you to get better. See you Monday. Unless you're still sick. So have a great long weekend." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I'll just be sleep--- [Michael hangs up the phone before Oscar can finish]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ok. First impressions?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "He sounded sick." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Which is exactly how you'd wanna sound like if you wanted someone to think you were sick." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's exactly what I was thinking." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Question? May I investigate?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah. Drop what you're doing. Make this a priority. Because an office can't function efficiently unless people are at their desks doing their jobs." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I bought my veil." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh my God! That is so exciting! Can I be a bridesmaid?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ummm..." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Listen, you don't have to answer now. But how are you going to do your hair?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ok. I was thinking about wearing it down. Kind of like, I don't know, like loose with big curls and..." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "You'd look like an angel. I'm seriously going to cry." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wowweee. Mikey likey. Why don't you wear your hair like that all the time. It's much sexier. [Pam puts hair back up] [Michael walks by Jim] Man, this must be torture for you." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah. On the booze cruise I told Michael about some feelings I used to have for Pam. I had just broken up with Katy and had a couple drinks. And I confided in the world's worst confidant." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey Jim-bag." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Remember that thing I told you on the booze cruise about Pam? That... was... personal so if we can just keep that between you and me. That would be great." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Umm, hmm." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Who else knows?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nobody." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wow!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jim and I are great friends. We hang out a ton, mostly at work. But, the fact that he told me his secret and no one else knows says everything about our friendship. And it is why, I intend on keeping that secret for as long as I possibly can." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "My lips are sealed. [singing] My lips are sealed... Bangles." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright. Great. Thank you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[singing] Can you hear me, they talk about us..." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Listen Temp. I am conducting a little investigation so I'm no longer going to be able to head up spring cleaning. Do you think you can handle it?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah, I think I can handle it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Do you think? Or do you know?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I think." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[low] Oh God, here." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, whatcha gettin'?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm going with grape." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ah, good stuff, good stuff. Did you see the game last night?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Which one?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Any of em? So, uh, what's the 411? Any news on the \"P\" situation?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I don't know what you mean." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "P-A-M. P-A" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh, uh, ok." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No it's okay, we're talking code." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "What is?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Listen Stanley. How long does it take you to pick out a soda?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm going to take off actually." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright, well, cool. [Michael walks by Jim] Still deciding?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Hmm?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Michael presses a button for Stanley] Peach iced tea. You're going to hate it." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey Oscar how ya doin'? Dwight Schrute calling. Listen a little question for you, buddy. I called six minutes ago and no one answered. So I was wondering if you could explain. Oh, I see, so. Sounds like you're too sick to come into work but your well enough to go to the pharmacy." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "There are several different ways to tell if a perp is lying. The liar will avoid direct eye contact. The liar will cover part of his or her face with his hands, especially the mouth. The liar will perspire. Unfortunately I spoke to Oscar on the phone so none of this is useful." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's Grrrrrrape! Soda." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Tony the tiger. You don't hear that much any more." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Not so much." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ok, what is going on here?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nothing." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, really nothing? Fact: You are drinking grape soda. You never drink grape soda. Fact: You are talking to Jim. You never talk to Jim." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Fact: I love grape soda. I always have. Fact: Jim and I talk all the time. We tell each other secrets." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ok. So what is the secret Michael?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Um, I had asked Michael if I could head up the Oscar investigation and he said that only Dwight was capable of handling such sensitive material." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Is that true?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um, I don't know, yeah, yeah, yeah it is." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thank you Michael. I know your telling the truth." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I can tell. I won't let you down." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thanks." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Whooo, nice. That was, that was slick. What are you doin' for lunch?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I don't know probably just gonna eat my ham and cheese sandwich in the break room." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh nonsense [lifts leg and puts it on Jim's desk], no way, no. Why don't, why don't I take you out to lunch? My treat." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, that's alright, thank you though. It's, I, gotta do some cleaning, should probably stick around here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey you know what we could do? We could spread out a blanket in the break room. Have a little picnic order some 'za. Talk about you know who." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, ah, no but no. You know what let's go out. That was a good idea. Let's go out." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know just he place." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[at Hooters] Oh man, you should order milk. Get it?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why do I like Hooters? Well I will give you two reasons, the boobs and the hot wings." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, here we go, here we go. Bogy at 3 o'clock. Hi." }, { "character": "Dana", "line": "Hey I'm Dana. Welcome to Hooters." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We're not worthy. We're not worthy. Hello Dana, I am Michael and this is Jim and we are brothers." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nope we're not brothers." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm his boss actually. And I treat him well. I'm taking him out to lunch cause I can afford it and he can have whatever he wants." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Can I just have the ham and cheese sandwich, thanks." }, { "character": "Dana", "line": "And for you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Tell me Dana, how is your chicken breast?" }, { "character": "Dana", "line": "Oh, it's great. It's served with our world famous wing sauce." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mmmm, sounds yummy. I will have a chicken breast hold the chicken. [Giggles]" }, { "character": "Dana", "line": "Is that what you really want?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I'm gonna have the gourmet hot dog." }, { "character": "Dana", "line": "Great." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Who took all the black ones?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That's a communal bowl." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So, how did Oscar sound when he called in?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Sick, like lots of sniffling. I don't know." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Sniffling how?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Umm. How many different ways are there to sniffle?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Three." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ok, it was the second one." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ok, good, thank you. That wasn't so hard now was it?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Nuh-uh." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "What do you like best about Pam?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh, I really don't want to talk about it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Is it her boobs, or..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Um, she's easy to talk to I guess and she's got a really good sense of humor." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh-huh." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Never get's any of my jokes." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What about you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Her boobs, definitely." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow, that's not what I meant." }, { "character": "Dana", "line": "Here you go." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, thank you." }, { "character": "Dana", "line": "And I understand we have a birthday today." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ohhh happy birthday Jim!" }, { "character": "Dana", "line": "Ready girls? Front side." }, { "character": "Hooter's Girls", "line": "You put your front side in; you put your front side out. You put your front side in and shake it all about. You do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around. That's what it's all about. Whoo, hoo!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Woo! Yeah!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thanks, thanks Dana." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you very much." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hilarious. Hey." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What did you guys talk about?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Holds up Hooters t-shirt] Just you know politics, literature." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I hate you." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Quick Oscar update. I have conducted interviews with everyone in the office." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just go to his house and see if he's sick. I could have done this Investigation in like twenty minutes." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Including prep time?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just do it." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "If I had to I could clean out my desk in five seconds and nobody would ever know I had ever been here. And I'd forget too." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Michael messes up hair to look like Jim's] Expenses." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Michael is that a wig?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. It's... I wear it like that sometimes. Is that a wig?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "This is from Hooters." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, it's a business lunch." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Did Toby approve this?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No he did not. I don't need his permission." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "You just got your corporate credit card back. Do you really want me to take it away again?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uhhh it's ridiculous. They took my card away because I spent $80 bucks at a magic shop. What they don't understand is that I bought the stuff to impress potential clients. So business related, right?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I put a cigarette through a freakin' quarter. And you know what Toby? They almost bought from us." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I'm not processing this." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Look Jim needed a relaxing lunch, he has been depressed and it has been affecting his productivity. How is that not work related?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "He seems fine to me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're not his friend, you don't know. He is in love with a girl he works with who's engaged. So just cut me some slack. Please?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Pam?" } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Angela who would you choose Jim or Roy?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "It's nobody's business, Phyllis. Roy." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Jim has got it bad for Pam." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Oh ho! Which one is Pam?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Well she's the... Hey Michael so do you think Jim will try to break up the wedding?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what Kevin? Jim is a friend of mine, so the only people that this crush really concerns is Jim and Pam... and me." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "As a volunteer Sheriff's Deputy I have been doing surveillance for years. One time I suspected an ex-girlfriend of mine of cheating on me. So I tailed her for six straight nights. Turns out she was, with a couple of guys actually so... mystery solved." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Jim, why didn't you tell me you had a crush on Pam?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well the cats out of the bag. I used to have a crush on Pam and now I [hesitate] don't. Riveting." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Nice... she is so hot." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Did you find anything good in your desk?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ah, coupon for a free sandwich." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Score." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It expired in August, and my cell phone charger from two years ago." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Big day." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Big day." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey oh, listen, um, I told Michael on the booze cruise. It's so stupid. Um, I told Michael that I had had a crush on you when you first started here." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well I thought that, I figured you should hear it from me rather than, I mean you know Michael." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Right." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And seriously, it's totally not a big deal, ok? And when I found out you were engaged, I mean." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, I know, like, I kind of like, I thought that maybe you did when I first started." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh you did?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, I mean, just 'cause we like got along so well." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, no, you saw through me, great." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "So are you going to be like totally awkward around me now?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh yeah, yeah... hope that's okay." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Mmm, hmm." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And Pam it was like three years ago so I am totally over it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Cool." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Stay low... This is it... There he is. He's been gone for at least two hours. Who is that? Come to Papa... Oh yes. Let's roll. I knew it! You are so busted. Ice skates, shopping bags? I think I know what's going on here. You weren't sick at all." }, { "character": "Gil", "line": "Who's this?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "This is Dwight Schrute. Who is this?" }, { "character": "Gil", "line": "Gil." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Are you going to tell Michael?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "How bout this. I don't tell Michael and in exchange you owe me one great big giant favor. Redeemable by me at a time and place of my choosing." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Guess what I found out about Oscar tonight? He was lying about being sick. Should I have reported Oscar's malfeasance. Hmm, probably, but now I know something he doesn't want me to know. So I can use his malfeasance to establish leverage. Otherwise, it's just malfeasance for malfeasanceses-ses sake." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know, I know, I know." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Umm, what happened?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I, oh, just, um, I know I was trying to, expense reports. And then God, Toby, you know he just... I know. I'm just, I just hope that, I just hope that [starts to get choked up] this doesn't affect our friendship! Stupid, this is so stupid." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, hey, wow, wow. Listen man it's, you know what. It's not a big deal." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok, I'm fine, no I know, I'm good, I'm good, it's just." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Look its one day, everything's gonna be alright. No big deal. You good?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah I'm good." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Good." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Creed did you organize the menu book?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Oh, I thought that was more on a volunteer basis." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "No, that was mandatory." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Oh, I thought it was a volunteer thing." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, here's your schedule for next week. Are you okay?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah I'm fine. Look, about you and Jim." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, no, that's, you don't have to." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I feel it's my responsibility as your boss slash friend." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, really, it's okay. I know that Jim had, like a crush on me when he first started. But that was a long time ago, so." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It wasn't that long ago. It was on the booze cruise." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Jim had a crush on me on the booze cruise or he told you about it on the booze cruise?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yehhh, okay, shuuttt it Michael. I'm done. That's it. I'm out." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ready?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yep." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "People are always coming to me. \"Michael, I have a secret. Your the only one I trust.\" No thanks, because keeping a secret can only lead to trouble. Like I was watching Cinemax last weekend. This movie, Portrait of a... Prostitute something. Secrets of a Call... More Secrets of a Call Girl. And the lead character, Shila, is framed for murder. She goes on the run and winds up working at a bordello in Malibu. I don't, I don't want to live like that. I like it here. I don't want to be Shila, I like being Michael Scott." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hello. Pammy want a cracker?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No thanks. You got a package." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, Pam with the dirty talk. [laughs]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And he's lining it up. Seems pretty straightforward from here. If Michael Scott sinks it, he'll win a Buick signed by Tiger Woods." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "He totally misses," }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, he meant to put it right next to the hole, that's much harder to do." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Interception. He shoots, he scores, yeah! Michael, try it like this. This'll be much harder." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, no, no. I don't want to chip my mug. Please get that off the floor. [sets mug on the edge of Michael's desk]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right. Jack Nicholson for birdie." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jack Nicholas." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's a celebrity tournament." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[golf ball rolls under bookcase] I got it. No problem. [clears throat]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do you see it?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, man, it's really back there." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do you feel it?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah. I can barely..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[mug falls off Michel's desk and smashes on the floor] God... damn it, Dwight! That's great." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Should I clean out my desk?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[pulls a brand new mug out of his desk door] That won't be necessary." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Don't be fooled by the phrase \"dust bunnies.\" They are vicious little bitches and if they get inside your disc drive, God help you. They will bring your computer to its knees. They sit in corners hatching, defecating, laying eggs. And their sole purpose in life is to eat dead skin, which humans in this office shed by the boat load. Especially Creed." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Look at all them out there, my little worker bees buzzing away." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "If they're the worker bees, you're the Queen bee." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I am the King bee," }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Queen's higher." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, King is higher. Then Ace. I am the Ace bee." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "People Magazine, crossword puzzle, keep or toss?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Keep. I will finish that later." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "It's from '99." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, I know when it's from, Ryan." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "18 across. Mary-Kate and Ashley blank.\" Michael wrote, \"Judd?\"" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, I rushed a few fraternities, but you know what? I don't believe in paying for friendships. So, I made a decision not to accept any offers. And fortunately none were made. Which was good, so nobody's feelings got hurt." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Temp, shouldn't you be monitoring the progress of people's cleaning efforts?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Everything seems pretty much under control." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah. Well, I'd hate to see it blow up in your face." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "How would..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Let's table that. So, temp... You seem to be pretty close to this Oscar." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Not really." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Getting defensive?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You seem a little nervous. You shouldn't be." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you, Dana." }, { "character": "Dana", "line": "Sure." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Keep the change. Here you go buddy, happy birthday." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow. Thanks." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're welcome." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, you what, seriously, you should have it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, no, no. I have the long sleeve. And actually, you know what we should do? We should wear them tomorrow to work, it'll be hysterical." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, tomorrow, that's gonna be tough 'cause I already laid out my outfit, so..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, Tuesday. Whenever. You'd better try it on, make sure it fits." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[catching Jim looking at him at Pam's desk] What?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, nothing." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Pam's on vacation and she gets back tomorrow, so it'll be nice to see her. It'll be nice, and, uh, she set a date for the wedding with Roy. Uh... June. Summer. So, that'll be nice. And that's that." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[again catching Jim looking at him] What?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, nothing." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Jim's been looking at me kind of a lot all week. I would be creeped out by it, but it's nothing compared to the way Michael looks at me." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Spamster!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Um, Pam plus Spam plus...?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hamster." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Right." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Welcome back! How was your vacation?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It was great." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Mm-hm." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Did you get lucky? Oh! Boink!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Roy and I just got back from the Poconos. I get ten vacation days a year, and I try to hold off taking them for as long as possible, and this year I got to the third week in January." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am Pam. Spicoli guy. Oh, God. Names, numbers. Okay. [walking into office] Whoa! God! Yuck, yuck. Yuck. Yuck!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wow! What happened in there?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't know." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "There is stink in there, my God! What is... what is that?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[looking at pile on Michel's carpet] Oh... I don't know." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Is it a bird?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, I don't think it's a bird." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, God! How could that happen? How could... right in the middle of the carpet." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "What's goin' on?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um, somebody vomited right in the middle of the carpet in my office." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[taking a look] I don't think that's vomit." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Check it out." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Me?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Check it out. Don't be a wuss, just get... no, I'm not holding your coffee." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh, that's ridiculous." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What is it?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Michael. [tapping on door]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What is it? No, just tell me what it is." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[pounding on door] Michael, I ... I ... I gotta get outta here. I can't hold my breath that long." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Open the door up!" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "It smelled terrible." } ], [ { "character": "Pam & others", "line": "[after going in to check out the smell] Phew. Oh! No, mm-mm. [leaving quickly]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I cannot believe a pipe burst and left that in there." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "That's no burst pipe." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "How do you know that? What is it, then?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Hi guys. Somebody makin' soup?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[as cleaning lady with mask leaves] Here she comes. All cleaned? Great. [walks into office]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[coughing] It's still stinky." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That is worse." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "She probably scrubbed it into the fibers of the carpet. Total permeation." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[while in his reeking office] I am a big Fear Factor fan. I'm a big fan of anything Joe Rogan does, actually, so this is sort of like my audition tape. Um... [clearing throat] I can't stand it [gets up to leave], I can't stay in here another second. No!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey! Welcome back!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thanks!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "So, how was the resort? Did you ski a lot?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "A little." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Good! What's goin' on here?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "What? I did not do that. That sounds disgusting." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[barely stifling laughter] It wasn't me. Um... it wasn't me. [regaining composure] It was not me." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[smelling the stink] Oh. Wow." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[giggles at Roy]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[sitting at Jim's desk] Hey Jim. I thought that we would be desk buddies while they changed my carpet." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That might be a little difficult with the one computer." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh... It's ..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "But there's definitely a desk open in the back." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[reluctantly] Yeah ..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "...which I guess I'll be taking." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, no! Seriously, I don't mind sharing." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, no, no, seriously, I'll be in the back." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, Kelly." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Are you moving back here?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Um, just for the day while Michael's at my desk." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Because Toby used to sit there, but he had to move over there because of an allergy." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Allergy to... the desk?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[shaking head] Weird." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[putting his feet on desk] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Old bullpen." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[putting his feet on desk] Ha ha ha... the old bullpen." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Don't ape me." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "This is great." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "The pressures of my office are insane." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[agreeing] Mm." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I just... you couldn't understand, but man, you guys have it so easy out here, you know? I used to sit right here." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No way!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And who had your office?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ed Truck. [exclaiming is disgust] Ed Truck was the manager before me. Horrible. He hated fun. It was like, \"Oh, Ed Truck is walking toward us. Stop having fun. Start pretending to do work.\" What a jerk. He's... You know what? I swore to myself that if I ever got to walk around the room as manager, people would laugh when they saw me coming and would applaud as I walked away." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[to Jim] I'm serious. My closet doors will not shut. I mean, it only takes so long to measure to make sure that clothes will hang up because aren't all hangers like that big? So I don't understand why the closet engineer didn't think of that. So now I'm doing this new thing where I just leave piles of clothes on the floor and then I walk around the piles to get an outfit..." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know who used to sit at that desk?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That guy Miles who quit to form his own company?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mm-mm. Todd Packer." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I thought he was out on the road." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "He was, but, uh... that desk was empty. He'd come in and sit there sometimes." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ah." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "When I was in training, many years ago... not so long ago... I worked side-by-side with a fellow named Todd Packer, and together we rocked the office [picture behind Michael falls]. Packer and I once spent the whole day with our pants off, and when people noticed, we convinced them that they were crazy." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I will gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[on phone] Excuse me one second, please. [to Michael] What is it that you need right now that you can't wait until I'm off the phone with a customer?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, a customer, well, sound the alarm. [laughs] Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Another time, Packer held this guy's head in the toilet for like a minute. Guy had no sense of humor about it. Probably why he wasn't hired." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "[after Michael punches him in the arm] What did you hit me for?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Charley horse!" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Charley horse!" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "You shouldn't have hit me, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, okay. Gah." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Once, as a joke, Packer banged every chick in the office. [giggles] It was hysterical." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[to Jim] Beyonce, pink the color, Pink the person, hot dogs, basically anything that is awesome. Snow cones..." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Hey Jim, Michael wanted me to ask you how to raise your desk chair." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It's the lever on the side." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "That's what I told him. Thanks. [leaves]" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh my God, he is so cute! Would you talk to him for me and see if he likes me?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, I don't think I can..." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh, please Jim? Please, please, Jim. Please, please, please? He's so cute. I like him so much. And I would do it, but I'm too shy. Please, Jim, please, please, please, please, Jim. Please, please, please..." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[whispering] Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[whispering] Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Let's send up Accounting." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Old fashioned raid. Sales on Accounting. Yeah. Follow my lead." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey guys." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Hey, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ahem. What's up?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Hey, Dwight." }, { "character": "Michael & Dwight", "line": "[as they throw accountants' files and supplies around] Ahhhh! Whoo hoo! Come on, come on, come on, come on! Sales rules!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah! [laughing]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah! Oh ho ho [laughing]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Should we help 'em pick up their stuff?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, no, no. We don't do that. We don't do that." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Watch out, Pam. You're next!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You're gonna throw my things on the ground?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Maybe!" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What happened in Michael's office was wrong. I understand it [chuckles], it makes sense [regains composure] But it... it was still wrong." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why would somebody ruin a perfectly good carpet? I don't know. It could be done out of hate. It could be done out of love. It could be completely neutral. Maybe somebody hates the cleaning lady. And, well, she doesn't do a very good job, obviously, because my office still reeks like you would not believe. I hate her." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what? I am beginning to think that what happened to my carpet was an act of terrorism against the office. The only thing that makes any sense." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[on phone] Hello, am I the 107th caller? [hangs up, dials again] Hello, Rock 107. Am I the 107th caller? [hangs up and dials again] Hell , Rock 107. Am I the 107th caller? [hangs up and begins to dial again] I'm totally gonna win us that box set." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Stop." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jethro Tull..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Stop it. [Dwight hangs up] Stop. It. [Dwight beings to dial] Don't. Don't." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I need to make a sales call. Please?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[on phone, whispering] Am I the 107th caller?" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[to Roy in Jim's earshot] ...back so soon." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "We can go back in, like, a couple of weeks maybe." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, right." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Okay, maybe another month, like, maybe for, like President's Day or something." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, that's right. We could do a three-day weekend. I wonder if I could, like, call in sick on the Friday. Then I get a four-day weekend." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[to unseen co-worker] But it's so weird to fall asleep. And I just hate it. 'Cause I try to go to bed at, like, 9:30." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[to Roy as Jim escapes into bathroom] Are you kidding?" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "No." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hi, guys." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "We haven't finished getting things in order from your last visit." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm just walking around." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Were you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, yeah." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "It's just that we're really swamped over here, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, and I'm not? Why would you say that? Because I'm having fun? You guys just are workin' for the weekend, aren't you? I'm workin' for the week. Sales team, listen to me. This is what we're gonna do. I'm gonna up the ante a little bit literally. Right here, I'm gonna put a crisp one hundred dollar bill. The person with the most sales at the end of the day gets to keep the cash. Sound good?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[counting cash] Seventy, eighty, one, two three. Eighty-three dollars. Still a lotta money and I'm going to ... [moves money after seeing workmen walk by] ... I'm gonna leave it right over here where everybody can see it. I will be taking Jim's clients today because he is not here and out of sight, out of the contest. Let's see who winds up with the cash, shall we?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "You're gonna compete against us?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, it is on, Phyllis, it is so on!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It is so on!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "God, this is gonna be fun." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael is gonna wipe the floor with us!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[on phone] So you have 40 boxes going out, and I will deliver those personally in a Sebring. Very good, nice doing business with you. Thank you. [hangs up] Yes! [chuckles] Oh, yeah! Read it and weep. Oh! Oh, look at that! [puts post-it on Phyllis' forehead] Look at me, Phyllis! Oh, what is that? That's my sale! [humming then dancing victoriously]" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[walking by with new carpet] What... What's that? Whatcha doing?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[stops dance] Nothing." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "[laughing] I think he's dancing." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. Just ..." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "That was definitely not dancing." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what, guys? It's none of your concern. It was official business, so just..." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Paper business." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, paper business. Is this done?" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Nope." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Extreme Home Makeover puts together a house in an hour. If you were on that crew, you would be fired like that. [snaps]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Somebody did something bad to Michael's carpet. Maybe that's all we need to know." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "[to Oscar] Who do you think did it?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Are you kidding? I thought it was you." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Really? I thought you. [both laugh in Michael's earshot]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "This was no act of God. A person did this. A person who works in this office. Maybe all of them." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what? Today is not a good day for a sales contest. We're... we're not... we're not doin' this today." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That doesn't seem fair." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You wanna talk about fair? Does anyone need to smell my old carpet? You explain to me how that was fair, and I'll explain to you how this is fair. Plus I just... I think that picking today was sort of taking advantage." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "But you're the one who picked today." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am a victim of a hate crime. Stanley knows what I'm talkin' about." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "That's not what a hate crime is." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well I hated it! A lot! Okay, I... you know what? If the guilty person would just come forward and take their punishment, we'd be done . [no one comes forward] Very well. Then you are all punished." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What's our punishment?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're all on a time out. Just sit there quietly. [phone rings, Phyllis reaches to answer] No. NO! [phone continues to ring]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "What's up?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nothing much. Let me ask you something. It's actually little awkward." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What do you think of Kelly?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I don't know. Depends if you like a little junk in ... [notices camera] Umm... She's really cool." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Are you interested in her?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah, totally." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Did she say something?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "She said lots of things." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Do you know if she's looking for a long-term thing or if she'd be cool just hangin' out?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I have no idea." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Can you find out?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah. Sure." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[to Jim] Oh, long-term, definitely. Fall in love, have babies, spend every second together... but don't tell him that, okay? Just tell him I'm, like, up for anything. I mean, I'm not a slut, but who knows?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do you remember Ed Truck?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Sure. He hired me. How's he doing?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "How would I know?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "I thought you might." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "My biggest fear is turning into him." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Michael, you should have much bigger fears than that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[sighs] I wasn't talking literally, Creed. Yeah, being buried alive would be worse. Happy? Why am I talking to you?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[meeting Ed Truck in parking lot] Ed? Hi. Thanks for meeting me. Must be kinda neat comin' back." }, { "character": "Ed", "line": "Yeah. Should we go upstairs?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh, well, honestly Ed, I really don't wanna be up there right now." }, { "character": "Ed", "line": "So, what's the problem with my pension?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, no, no, no. You're good. It was clerical. You're good. Um, well, somebody did something in my office, and I now think that they did it on purpose and it was directed at me." }, { "character": "Ed", "line": "Well, what was done?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I didn't get a good look at... it, but it smells horrible." }, { "character": "Ed", "line": "Yeah, somebody once did that in my office." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Ed", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, that figures. So how did you deal with people not liking you?" }, { "character": "Ed", "line": "You can't expect to be friends with everybody." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well... s-sure I can." }, { "character": "Ed", "line": "No. They'll always think of you as a boss first." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Not necessarily. You can love a boss like you do a father." }, { "character": "Ed", "line": "I'm not sure that ever happens." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, okay. Different management styles." }, { "character": "Ed", "line": "Why can't your workers be your workers, family be your family, your friends be your friends?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Last week I would have given a kidney to anyone in this office. I would have reached right into my stomach and pulled it out for them. But now, no. I don't have the relationship with these people that I thought I did. I hope they ask, so they can hear me say, \"Uh... no. I only give my organs to my real friends. Go get yourself a monkey kidney.\"" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[on phone] Hey, Brenda. This is, uh, Jim Halpert from the boat. And I got your number from the corporate directory and, well, I was assuming that you probably gave it to them because you wanted me to ask you out, right? Um, so gimme a call back. You can get my number from said directory, um, or just check your e-mail 'cause I just sent you one. Yikes. Uh... give me a call back, I hope. I'll talk to you later. Bye." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "You just asked a girl out on the phone!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yep." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[on phone] Yes." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Hello, yes. I'm looking for a gay nerd named Michael Scott." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Who is this? How did you get this number?" }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Your mom, you gay nerd!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh my God. Packer. Packster. Whacky Pack. How you doin'?" }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Hey, did you get that package I left for you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh... no. Did anybody see a package here today? No. How big was it?" }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "It was pretty big." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Did you see a big package? Where did you leave it?" }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Left it in the middle of your office." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really? Guys, did you see a big package in my office?" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "You mean the thing?" }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "[laughs uproariously]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Are you kidding me? Oh!" }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Special delivery!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That was Packer! Oh, you're... you are dead. You are dead, my friend! That is hilar... Oh, God! Of course it was you." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Sit on the throne, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh. [laughs and claps] Yeah, yeah! Oh my God. It was Packer!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "It takes an advanced sense of humor. I don't expect everybody to understand. It was done out of love, just like I thought. It's ah... God, these people are so... these are good people. We have fun. [giggles] We just have fun! Oh, I'm just so sorry that I threw the thing out." } ], [ { "character": "Jim's voicemail", "line": "You have seven unheard messages." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[voicemail message for Jim] Hey, Jim. It's Pam. I keep looking up to say something to you and then Michael's there and it's horrible. Anyway, I'm bored. Come back!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[voicemail message for Jim] Hey, guess what? I moved my computer so I can't see Michael's head. It's working. I think I can have a career as a very specific type of decorator." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[voicemail message for Jim] Sudoku. Level moderate. 18 minutes. Suck on that, Halpert." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[voicemail message for Jim] I'll transfer you. Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Hold, please. Dunder Mifflin, this is ... okay, sorry. Michael was standing at my desk, and I needed to be busy or who knows what would've happened, so thank you." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[voicemail message for Jim] Hey, what's that word we made up when you have a thing stuck in your shoe? Anyway, I have a thing stuck in my shoe." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[voicemail message for Jim] Hey, I have a chance to sneak out of here early, and I'm not messing this up, so I'll see you tomorrow." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[voicemail message for Jim] Calling from my cell phone. I don't know if you guys figured out who did that to Michael's carpet yet, but I have a theory that involves an inter-departmental conspiracy. Everybody in the office. We need to talk." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I think this whole disaster on Michael's carpet happened for a good reason. Him sitting next to me is a huge gift. This girl I know would say that it was a gift from God, but I don't know about all that." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Obviously, this was Kevin. This is his sense of humor exactly." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "There are so many people with motives, even me. Almost everyone is a suspect. Whoever did this is a genius. [laughs]" } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "That looks, cool, where is that?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "That hotel, it looks so romantic." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, just somewhere in the Poconos. I was just surfing." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I went with my parents to the Shadowbrook Farm once. That was also really romantic. Oh, my God, I wish a boy would take me there. I would need a fun new top. You know what a great color is on me? Lavender, actually." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Just give me one second. I'm just gonna grab something to eat." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "So, you used to share that cubicle with Kelly, right?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Mmm-hmm." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And then you just changed desks, right?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "To one without a cubicle." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "So, you just couldn't take it anymore, huh?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "What are you talking about?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "So, that's how it's gonna be." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Honestly, I don't even hear her anymore. It's like waves crashing against the beach." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[on the phone] Okay, that quantity of cotton fiber will cost you... my screen disappeared. I know. I will click on the bottom and... Yes. I'm getting one of those little hourglass things. Used to have a price chart on the wall, now it's a little hourglass thing with an arrow next to it. Now it's just an hourglass thing. Uh-huh, yeah, well, or I can call you back. Okay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[on the phone] Excellent, good, good. Well, our truck is going out first thing tomorrow morning. So..." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "...cases of typical format and coated white paper. Okay, thanks again so much. All right, bye-bye." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "20 cartons of it's coming, on it's way." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What's going on? Anything here?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, yes. What yes? A sale or a lead or..." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "A sale." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ah. Small?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Big." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Huge?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Just big." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Would you say the sale that I made earlier was huge or..." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Big." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[on the phone] Good. No, I completely understand, times are a little tight right now. If it's alright with you though, I will just give you a call back next month. Great, thank you so much. Goodbye." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What was that?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You call that a sales call? My God, what have they been teaching you?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You're the one who trained me, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, well, did I teach you to roll over like a submissive dog?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You most certainly did not." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I did not." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What can I do better?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Exactly, ask me, which you did, so, tell a joke." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm not good at jokes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do you know a joke?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "My cousin Mose told me a joke." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Call a client right now." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And tell him the joke." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I will." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Strike while the iron's hot. A joke always works." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[on the phone] Yes, Howard Gruber, please." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just sell it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[on the phone] Howard, hello. Dwight Schrute. Dunder Mifflin. Yes, and you are my favorite client. Listen, I'm calling you to tell you a little joke. What is black and white and red and can't think? A nun who has a beet for a head. ... No, I'm Catholic, too." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Give me the phone." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[on the phone] I understand." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Give me the phone." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[on the phone] If I was offensive in any way, I..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Tell him. Tell him that your supervisor is on the line." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[on the phone] Humor works in..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "The old one two. Let's do it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[on the phone] ...crazy ways. I'm going to pass you off to my supervisor. Hold on one second. [whispering] Howard Gruber. It's Howard Gruber." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[on the phone] Hey Howard. Michael Scott here. Yeah, sorry about that. Dwight is an idiot. I know. No, he's a little... Little dim. He's the janitor's brother, so..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's not true." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[on the phone] Uh-huh? Yeah. Well, you know, like in a fast food restaurant, just to be nice they hire somebody who can't even find their way to work? That is Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[whispering] He's my best customer." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[on the phone] What can we do to help you out? You know what? I have a discount. Today and today only, on lightweight copier paper." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "But that's my sale. This is my sale, Michael!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[on the phone] Uh-huh, yes, I can do that. Absolutely! Perfect. Oh, I'm glad it timed out that way." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What Michael doesn't understand is that when I worked in the fast food industry I was actually commended by management for the three \"M\"s. McService, McCompetence and McPunctuality." } ], [ { "character": "Roy", "line": "[laughing] You gotta drink on that one. Too bad." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Hell yeah, yeah, yeah. Mo'fo, mo'fo." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "You ready?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Mmm-hmm. [thumping] [Roy groaning] Now you've got to drink." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, look, I know what you're gonna say. That I'm not standing up for myself. But you know what? It's complicated and I really don't appreciate all the badgering." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "You could out-sell Michael any day." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I really thought these people were my friends. My best friend since kindergarten, Elliot, that's a friend. Best friend ever. I should call him. Wonder where he lives." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "So, I'm happy to be here. It's very nice to see all of you. You're all looking well." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Today's a 'women in the workplace' thing. Jan's coming in from Corporate to talk to all the women about... um... I don't really know what. But Michael's not allowed in. She said that about five times." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "Women today, though we have the same options as men, we often face a very different set of obstacles in getting there. So..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[knocks] Hey, what's going on?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Michael... I thought we agreed you wouldn't be here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah... I... You know what... I... I... I just thought about it. I just have a few things I want to say." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hold... Just hear me out. What is more important than Quality? E-Quality. Now studies show that today's woman, the Ally McBeal woman, as I call her, is at a crossroads..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, just uh... you have come a long way, baby. But I just... just want to keep it within reason." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "They did this up in Albany..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "You are not allowed in this session." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And they ended up turning the break room into a lactation room which is disgusting so..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Now you're really not allowed in this session." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, I'm their boss, so I feel like..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I'm your boss." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[stands up] Anybody want any coffee or..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "We're fine, Michael. We just need you to leave, please." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Women in the workplace... yeah, translation \"I have been banned from my own conference room so that Jan can talk in secret to all the girls.\" Oh! Sorry. 'Women of the workplace.' About what? I don't know. Clothes. Me. Eeegkh!" } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "Ladies, I am so, so sorry. Can we start again? We were on such a roll. I... I... really apologize." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Jan." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Yes, Pam?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael's still at the door." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Michael!" } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "[in the background] So one obstacle is how assertiveness is perceived differently in men and women. Men who are assertive will be admired. They're called... anyone?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's a terrible idea." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What is?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Them in there all together. If they stay in there too long they're going to get on the same cycle. Wreak havoc on our plumbing." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Everyone. Guys. Circle up, please. Come on over. Bring your chairs. Toby, come on over. You're a guy... too... sort of. Let's do this!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[in the background] Well, first of all, I, uh, just want to warm up a little bit. Let's just clap." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Let's just clap. Ready? [clapping] Yeah! Yeah!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's what I'm talking about!" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I don't know what you're doing here, Michael," }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just having a little 'guys in the workplace' thing." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "... but it's very destructive." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why can't boys play with dolls? Why does society force us to use urinals when sitting down is far more comfortable?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Can you please do this somewhere else, Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We have nowhere else Jan. This..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "We could do it in the warehouse." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Dwight, excellent idea. Go to the warehouse." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK, OK, Fine. Yeah, actually, perfect. Perfect. You know what? There's another side to this place, gentleman. And I know we all love our cushy jobs and our fun, exciting office. But do you realize that underneath us, there's another world. The warehouse world. A world that is teeming with sweat and dirt and life. Life. The bowels of the office. These guys are down there, they are real men doing real man's work. We are going to learn how a warehouse works." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, I think it's going to work out great. Because managing the warehouse is a very important part of my job. And I haven't been there in months." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Remember on Lost when they met the Others?" } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "I'm so sorry about that... um... so where were we? Pam, are you okay taking notes then?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Mmmhmm." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Please? Thank you. very much." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "So let's meet the warehouse! Let's get some shots. Pan around there. This is Darryl, one of our warehouse staff. Darryl, what is your biggest fear?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "My biggest fear is that someone will distract us from getting all the shipments out on time." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know, Darryl is actually the Foreman here and not Roy, which is cool. There's Roy riding the big rig. So Roy is actually going to be marrying Pam sometime this summer. And... uh, she's our receptionist. Sort of a Brangelina thing." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Why?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Brangelina is the Brad Pitt and Angelina... Roy..." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "I don't understand." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Roy and Pam. It's a Ram. It's a Ram thing." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[talking to Jim] I bet Roy heard about you liking Pam. I bet he'll try to beat you up." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thanks for the head's up, Kev." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I've got your back if he does. But try to stay out of it." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[points at math equasion on chalkboard] Uhhuhhuh. Just in case there's someone down here who shouldn't be. A little \"Good Will Hunting\" situation. All right. Troops. This is an important day. Big day. Now you may look around and see two groups here. White collar. Blue collar. But I don't see it that way. And you know why not? Because I am collar-blind." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "Why don't we go around the table and all say something that we know we're good at. I will start. I am good at public speaking." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Hi. I'm Meredith and I'm an alch... good at supplier relations." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Great. Phyllis?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I'm good at computer stuff, emails, spreadsheets, all that." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[disbelieving] Really?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I don't know. I thought that I wasn't going to be asked that..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "No. Okay. Stop. Go on..." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I've seen some of your spreadsheets." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Really? I thought they were pretty..." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't know how I fit in with these women. Here. Or with Jan. Um... I mean we get along great. Fine. Um... I guess the person I have the most in common with is..." } ], [ { "character": "Roy", "line": "Jim... Halpert. Hey uh, I, uh, you know heard there's a rumor going around about you used to have a crush on Pam." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, no, no. No." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "No, it's cool, because I know you're a good guy. And I know that that crush ended a long time ago, so... you know. We're cool, right?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah. Nope. Yeah. Definitely." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "You know, it's great with me cause that way, glad she has a friend at work she can get through the day with. She's not all bap bap bap bap when she gets home." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah. I like talking to her too." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "So, we're cool, right?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes. Yeah." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yep. Cool, man." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Sweet." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[blows a sigh of relief]" } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Hey, Mike, look. How bout we go upstairs, too. You know learn how the office works. We can all switch places today." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh... well... okay... yeah, you know what? I don't think... You.. You're... My job sucks compared to this. I don't think you'd like it up there." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "The experience..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Guys! Want to start unloading the truck?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay. Let's go. Step up." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Check this out! Look at that! Look at that [squeezes blow-up doll] bwup-bwa! [talks in girly voice] Hello! How are... [regular voice] Oh! Kay. That is great. That is good stuff." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "In five years, I'd like to be... five years sober." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "That is an excellent goal." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Four and a half." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I'll tell you one thing. I am not going to be one of those women schlepping her kids around in a minivan." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Great! Uh-huh?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I want an SUV... with three rows of seats." }, { "character": "Women", "line": "[general murmuring of agreement]" } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "Well, I'll be honest. One of the goals of these women seminars is to feel out if there's any standouts. Women who could be a valuable addition to our Corporate life." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael wants us to bond so we need topics for conversation." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ponies." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "How about rainbows?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Flowers." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "It's dangerous, Michael. Come on, get off this." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, you're going to, going to hurt yourself." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Mike." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Stand clear." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Mike. Get off of the lift. Please. Come on now." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm fine, I'm fine. I'm fine." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Look, would ya... look." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, oh, oh! We'll get somebody to clean that up." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "We're the ones that got to clean that up!" }, { "character": "Lonny", "line": "Dammit, Michael!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We ought to have this thing serviced." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "So! Guy's gripe session. Here we are. Now, we definitely live in different worlds but we have a lot in common. We even like the same girls, some of us. That's going to happen, you know. We're guys, so..." }, { "character": "Madge", "line": "Hey, do you want me to go?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, why? Why would I... ? You could..." }, { "character": "Madge", "line": "I'll go." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Stay or..." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "...and a big walk-in closet." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Oh, that's part of my dream too." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh, me too." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Great, great. And Pam, what about you? What is your dream?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well... I always dreamed of a house with a terrace upstairs. Plant flowers on it... stuff like that. Since I was a girl. Um... More seriously though, a husband that I love... Roy. And I love to draw. And I... I did a little in college and I'd still love to do something where I could work with art or graphic design in some way." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "She's real good." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thanks." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "You know the company is offering a design training program in New York." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well... I have a job right now, so I can't really take time off..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Well, it's only on weekends and then a few weeks in New York, but I'm sure that I could ask Corporate to help you out." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well... it's just that the weekends aren't good because, um..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "There are always a million reasons not to do something." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Let's start with the Warehouse. What bothers you as guys, you know?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "My priority is safety." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "So it really bothers me when somebody comes in here speeding around on a lift, playing with it like a toy. It kind of gets under my skin." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK, Yeah. Yeah. Yeah shhh..." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Uh uh uh. Don't shush me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I... That was just..." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "That bothers me too." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I was breathing." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Pam shushes me. It drives me crazy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I hate shushing. You know, that's the thing! What the... ok... what is our beef as human men." }, { "character": "Lonny", "line": "You know that's a good question, Hasselhoff. What bugs us?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK. Alright. Good. Guys ragging on each other. That's what guys do... and we love it." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "All right. Let's talk about clothing." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I'm excited about today. [whispers] I love girl talk." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. All right. You can use your clothing to send a message about your ambitions by wearing clothes that reflect what you aspire to be." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "I'm not gaining anything from this seminar. I'm a professional woman. The head of accounting. I'm in the healthiest relationship of my life. I just think it's insulting that Jan thinks we need this. And, apparently, judging from her outfit, Jan aspires to be a whore." } ], [ { "character": "Roy", "line": "I hate it when girls insist on taking them out to new restaurants every weekend night and then they're like \"When are we going to go on a date-date?\"" }, { "character": "Guy", "line": "I hate that too! [general clapping and agreement]" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I hate that too." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "That sucks so much." }, { "character": "Guy", "line": "It totally sucks." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah and then they make you drive them to Church the next morning. Like \"Gas ain't free!\"" }, { "character": "Lonny", "line": "Yeah, on our salaries, man, what do they expect? You know to take us out every weekend? You know what I mean? We're not millionaires." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I feel you." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "No, you don't. You don't feel us. How can you? You know what?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Not literally." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You say we're the same, but we get compensated very differently." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "We work the same hours as you and you just said we work a lot harder" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ah, you do. So..." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "But we get paid a lot less." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Word." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Like next to no benefits." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know. God! What is that?" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Exactly." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It blows. It blows, man. Gah..." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You know this would not happen if we had a union." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "That's what I'm talking about." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. Whoa, whoa. Yeah." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Absolutely." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "That's what we need." }, { "character": "Guy", "line": "You know you're right." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Man, see... That's what I've been sayin', man. We need to do this finally." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what? Is that necessary? Because you already sorta have a union... of guys." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "It's more than necessary, Mike. We need this. Roy? You still have that card from the Dockworker's Union?" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "In my truck." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dockworker's?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Man, hook you up." }, { "character": "Men", "line": "[generalized clapping]" }, { "character": "Guy", "line": "Come on, man." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah. You know what? I think the problem is the chicks." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Union! Union, yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "The problem is the chicks. And you gotta blame them." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Are you with us Mike?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah-es." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Welcome to the warehouse." }, { "character": "Group chant", "line": "Michael, Michael, Michael, Mi..." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "Another issue is inequality of pay between men and women. I'm sure that all of you have felt that before..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[knocks] This is important. Ladies, take a breather. Jan, I uh wanna... Can I help you? Um... I wanted to say that the guys downstairs are thinking about forming a union. And they have some good points..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "What? A union! What..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Don't get hysterical." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I'm not..." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Part of my job is knowing how to talk to women." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Let's... be... rational... here. What are the pros? What are the cons?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "The cons are that everyone will lose their job. Michael. Everyone. Office, Warehouse. What do you think... the... pros... are... here?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Don't talk to me that way please. Just... they're going to want to hear this from you." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "You got yourself into this Michael, so you get yourself out." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "But we're bonding down there!" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "That's too bad." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I mean I just don't want to have to tell them something they're not going to want to hear." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I don't want to..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok. Come on Jan. After all we've been through..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Michael! Michael! Michael!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We have a history..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "...between us." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Don't say another word." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I won't" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Get yourself down stairs." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm just saying we have something... Ok. Whatever." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "You know what... we could get this done a lot quicker if we formed a type of assembly line." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "This here is a run-out-the-clock situation. Just like upstairs." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "Sports metaphors are one of the ways women feel left out of the language of the office. Now, I know this might sound silly but a ... many women ask to go over it. So... Fumble means..." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Mistake." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Slip." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Right. Par for the course is a golf term. It means right on track. Below par means worse. Wait... that should mean better, that doesn't make sense." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "What about second base? Like if Michael said that he got to second base with you? Does that mean you like closed a deal?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Excuse me?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I mean that's a baseball term, right?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I don't know what Michael was talking about. I don't know." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[in the background] ...and you went to Chili's and he got to second base with you." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "[in the background] Kelly, I don't know what Michael's talking about." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[in the background] He told everybody so I just want to know is that a baseball term..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "How's it going down there?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It's a complete... well, actually it's exactly what you'd expect, so... How are the girls?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Good. We watched a video about our changing bodies." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Did you really?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No. [laughs]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Almost." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Good." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Um... but hey? Something kind of cool. There's this internship in graphic design that Jan was telling us about. She made it sound, like, really great." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nice. Well, what's it all about?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Um..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I think you should do it. That's great!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's really cool." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Cold front coming into the Warehouse. Uh oh! Better put on your ski boots! Woohoohoowoo. Waaaah! Happy New Year, Darryl! Hey,Darryl. You ever done this?" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Are you married?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I'm divorced." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "That must have been hard." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "It was. Yes." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "You were probably feeling really depressed and sad and that's why you did that thing with Michael." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I think you should all spend a little more time thinking about your careers and less time on personal stuff." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Mmmm, I think we're all okay with the balance we've struck." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "At least you don't have kids. You have no kids, right? Thank God." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Okay. Let's take five. I think we can all use five." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "How can someone so beautiful be so sad?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Did you take care of the situation?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yuh, yuh, yes! I... I have essentially..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Excuse me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I have essentially. Yes. I've taken some..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Excuse me. I've been told there's been some interest in forming a Union and that Michael supported it. Obviously he's not a friend of yours because he didn't tell you the facts. So let me. If there is even a whiff of unionizing in this branch, I can guarantee you the branch will be shut down like that [snaps her fingers]. They unionized in Pittsfield and we all know what happened in Pittsfield. It will cost each of you a fortune in legal fees and union dues and that will be nothing compared to the cost of losing your jobs. So I would think long and hard before sacrificing your savings and your futures just to send a message. If you have any further questions you can direct them to... to Michael." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Dreams are just that. They're dreams. They help get you through the day. Like the thing about the terrace. It's nice but... um... I don't know. It was just something I read in this book when I was twelve. The girl in the book has a terrace outside of her bedroom and she planted flowers on it and I just loved that. Just always kind of stuck with me." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "So you're not doing it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "How did you know?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Why not?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Just like no big reason. Just a bunch of little reasons." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Come on." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Roy's right. There's no guarantee it's going to lead to anything anyway." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Roy said that." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What? You have something you want to say?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You got to take a chance on something sometime, Pam. I mean, do you want to be a receptionist here, always?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, excuse me! I'm fine with my choices!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You are?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's impractical. I'm not going to try to get a house like that. Um... they don't even make houses like that in Scranton. So, I'm never going to... ." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm just going to put this over there." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "This is not a good idea right here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You did uh... okay." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pizza. Great equalizer. Rich people love pizza. Poor people love pizza. White people love pizza. Black people love pizza. Do black people like pizza?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey. Um... look guys, I'm sorry. Sometimes Jan can be such a bitch." }, { "character": "All the Men", "line": "Generalized mumbling agreement. Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, watch it, watch it. We have a relationship." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you to our hosts." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Hey Michael. This ain't over." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ahhh! Excellent." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Is it good to be back. Yeah. I mean I love the guy stuff but to run an office you need men and women. You know why? Because you need to have that crazy sexual tension to keep things interesting." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh! I don't know, Pam. I paid $400 for this phone because I liked the ring." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You did?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And now, I realize that you can program or download any ring you want. So, I'm a little overwhelmed." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "There's a lot of choices. You got to help me here." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Which one of these is coolest? What do you think? [classical piano playing] [violin playing]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "How about that one?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no. [blues piano playing]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, that one was good." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dude, are you kidding me? No. That one says, \"I am so lame.\" Know which one I want? There's one that sounds like a jackhammer. Just really grabs your attention. It's like... [imitating jackhammer] You know what I'm talking about?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Do you mean vibrate?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." } ], [ { "character": "Roy", "line": "Bushmaster's hard to beat for long distance. It's a great point." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah. I got a spudgun in my car." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah. Shoot a chuck of potato at your face, 80 PSI, bon appetit!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What are you guys talking about?" }, { "character": "Dwight & Roy", "line": "[at the same time] Guns." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Cool." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "How's that union stuff coming?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Working on it." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yup." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Guys! Check it out! Spudgun! Woohoo! Bon appetit! [Darryl's office window shatters] Sorry." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "That's my office." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "There was this film that I saw when I was little. It was about a kid who goes on the most incredible adventure. And even though it was really great, and she had a great time, she ends up back home in Kansas and says, \"There's no place like home.\" And that's how I feel right now. There is no place like home. What the hell was that movie called? [sighs] It's gonna drive me crazy." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam. Uh... hold, please." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh! I don't know, Pam. I paid $400 for this phone because I liked the ring." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You did?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And now, I realize that you can program or download any ring you want. So, I'm a little overwhelmed." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "There's a lot of choices. You got to help me here." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Which one of these is coolest? What do you think? [classical piano playing] [violin playing]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "How about that one?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no. [blues piano playing]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, that one was good." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dude, are you kidding me? No. That one says, \"I am so lame.\" Know which one I want? There's one that sounds like a jackhammer. Just really grabs your attention. It's like... [imitating jackhammer] You know what I'm talking about?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Do you mean vibrate?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Bushmaster's hard to beat for long distance. It's a great point." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah. I got a spudgun in my car." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah. Shoot a chuck of potato at your face, 80 PSI, bon appetit!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What are you guys talking about?" }, { "character": "Dwight & Roy", "line": "[at the same time] Guns." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Cool." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "How's that union stuff coming?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Working on it." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yup." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Guys! Check it out! Spudgun! Woohoo! Bon appetit! [Darryl's office window shatters] Sorry." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "That's my office." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "There was this film that I saw when I was little. It was about a kid who goes on the most incredible adventure. And even though it was really great, and she had a great time, she ends up back home in Kansas and says, \"There's no place like home.\" And that's how I feel right now. There is no place like home. What the hell was that movie called? [sighs] It's gonna drive me crazy." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I really like Valentine's Day in this office. It's kinda like grade school. Everybody gives out little presents and stuff. Like last year, Jim gave me this card, with Dwight's head on it, it was horrifying and funny and..." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[Delivery man enters with a bouquet of red roses. Pam stands up to look at card.] Phyllis." }, { "character": "Delivery man", "line": "Would you sign here? [Phyllis gets up from desk and walks over.]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Roy and I are saving for the wedding, so I made him promise not to get me anything too big." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "\"Happy Valentine's Day darling. Love Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.\"" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Isn't he sweet?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Yeah. Wow." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright Dwight, as you know I am heading to New York today. [Dwight holds up passport.] Doing a presentation on the branch to the new CFO." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And you want me to come with you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nope. The opposite of that." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I will stay here and run things on this end." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok, good." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Question. Will you be seeing Jan when you're in New York?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I probably will, why do you ask?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well... It's Valentine's Day, and you guys, you know..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Screwed." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What is your problem?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "This is a business trip. I would have to be a raving lunatic to try to talk to Jan about what happened between us. Her words, not mine. She sent me an email this morning. But, it is Valentine's Day. It's New York. City of Love." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, Pam. You heart N.Y., right? You want me to pick you up anything?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That's OK." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "The best present would be, you do a good job in front of the new CFO." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dude, I'm gonna nail it. Me in New York? Oh, I own that city. Fuggedaboudit! See ya!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well here we go. On our way to New York. New York, New York. City so nice they named it twice. Manhattan is the other name." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "So I broke up with Katy and haven't been dating anybody else, so this year I don't have to worry about Valentine's Day. It's gonna be good. I invited a couple of friends over. We're gonna play some cards and I'll end up winning a lotta money. Because, they're idiots. It's gonna be great." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What's this? What is this?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I dunno, it's on your desk." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, but who put it here? And for what purpose?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It was there when I sat down." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[opens box and reads card] Happy Valentine's Day. [pulls out bobble head] It's me. I'm the bobble head. Yes! [Angela smirks in background] Ahh!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "The meeting isn't 'til three, but I always like to come to New York little bit early and hit some of my favorite hunts, like right here, is my favorite New York pizza joint. And I'm gonna go get me a New York slice. [Michael walks toward Sbarro.]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey Kelly. What's up?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Nothing. Oh except, oh my God Jim. Last night, Ryan and I totally, finally hooked up. It was awesome." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "OH, that's great. I'm really happy for [starts to walk away]" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "And it was so funny 'cause we were at this bar with his friends and I was sitting next to him the whole night and he wasn't making a move, so in my head I was like \"Ryan, what's taking you so long?\" And then he kissed me. And I didn't know what to say." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "So I said, \"Ryan, what took you so long?\" And I just said that to him, can you believe that?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh my God, Jim, is that embarrassing? I'm embarrassed." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, don't be." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh, thank God, because I was nervous, Jim, you will not believe." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I bet." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "So nervous, but now -- now I have a boyfriend." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright. [Kelly squeals]" } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[anguished] I hooked up with her on February 13th." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Here it is, heart of New York City, Times Square. Named for the good times you have when you're in it. Most people when they come to New York, they go straight to the Empire State Building, that's pretty touristy. I come here. Great places to eat. [points] We have Bubba Gump Shrimp, Red Lobster down there. Ya know. This is, this is the heart of civilization, right here." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Woah. [Delivery man with flowers]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Guess what?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Really, Oh, they're from Bob again." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That's great. [Meredith scowls]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Everybody takes the subway in New York. It's fast, it's efficient, gets you there on time. It's a way to [turns and rushes back up stairs] Okay, there's a guy pooping in a cardboard box down there." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "This is the world famous Rockefeller Center. Founded, of course by Theodore Rockefeller. This is a skating rink and I think the Rangers practice there sometimes and it's, that's Tina Fey [points]. That's Tina Fey from Saturday Night Live. Hello? Hello, hi? [walks over] OH, I'm sorry, I thought you were [Conan O'Brien walks in front of Michael], OK, I thought that was. She, she looked a lot like Tina Fey. [to camera] Hello, hello, I thought that was Tina Fey, but it wasn't. So... Are you serious? He was here? When, when I was talking to the fake Tina Fey? Come on! And are you, argh." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hello Angela. Did you hear, somebody rocked the house and got me the best present I've ever gotten." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Really? I wouldn't know anything about that, but I'm glad you enjoyed it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh I did. I did." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I didn't get anything for Valentine's Day." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, I bet you will before the day is over." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Really? Well, I hope I do." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I would love to live in New York someday. It's a big dream of mine. Work for corporate, with Jan. It'd be awesome. Go to Broadway shows, eat hot dogs. Scranton is great, but New York, is like Scranton on acid, no on speed, no on steroids. [Michael sees it's the end of a street.] OK, umm, I think, that's either the Hudson or the East, so we're back, should be back this way. There's a lotta pressure on me right now. It's like Michael Jordan, in the NBA finals. Or, like Stormin' Norman Schwarzkopf, and this presentation is desert storm and as soon as it's over, we will not have to deal with those Iraqis anymore. Let's do it." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[on phone] Nah that's alright. Spend money on her, instead of giving it to us. That's fine. No, I didn't even have a seat for you anyway. Yeah, hahaha, alright man, have a good night. Bye." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Woah, woah [Delivery man with oversized bear]" }, { "character": "Delivery man", "line": "Phyllis Lapin." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "OH, Holy God!" }, { "character": "Delivery man", "line": "It's from Bob." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Man, that thing's bigger than I am." }, { "character": "Delivery man", "line": "No, it's not." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh zip it." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "There they are. What's up? Hey hey." }, { "character": "Craig", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Josh", "line": "Michael Scott. [sticks out hand for handshake]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Josh Porter, high five. [They high five] Bam." }, { "character": "Josh", "line": "You know Dan Gore from Buffalo." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, how ya doing? Nobody needs to introduce this guy. Craiggers. [bump fists]" }, { "character": "Craig", "line": "What's up buddy?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You have been kicked out of every strip club in Albany, is that true?" }, { "character": "Craig", "line": "Guilty, yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So what's going on? What I miss?" }, { "character": "Josh", "line": "Not much, they're uh, I guess running late upstairs, so we're just waiting for the presentations." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Cool. Good, good, good. Give us some time to catch up, and... [awkward silence]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Pam. Hi, How ya doing? Good. Listen, uh may I speak with you... privately?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You can't fire me, Dwight, just 'cause Michael's not here." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, Pam, Just. Just, [tilts head away, towards another room]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "You need to get something for your girlfriend." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[same time as Pam] Girlfriend. Yes, and the reason I didn't get anything for this particular person - who shall remain nameless - is that she's not really the kind of person you'd think would be into Valentine's Day. She's kind of..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Tightly wound?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "(smirking) Exactly." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ok, well, sometimes the gift is really about the gesture, you know, like what it means, instead of what it is." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You mean, like a ham?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, not like a ham. It's about doing something, so that the person knows that you really care about her." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ok, I get it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That you remember her." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ok, shut up. I know exactly what to do. [gets up and leaves]" } ], [ { "character": "Josh", "line": "What about you, Craig, you lose anyone?" }, { "character": "Craig", "line": "Oh man, Jan, called me in September and said \"You gotta fire four people,\" and I was just like, \"What?\" Ya know?" }, { "character": "Josh", "line": "Did you?" }, { "character": "Craig", "line": "No, I just ignored her. She's the worse." }, { "character": "Josh", "line": "She is our boss." }, { "character": "Craig", "line": "She ain't my boss dude. I don't work for that bitch." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ay, Kay. Come on, you know, that's not. Cool it." }, { "character": "Craig", "line": "What? You like Jan? How can you like Jan?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Maybe because she's my girlfriend. [starts retracting statement] Was, or not my girlfriend. She's... we hooked up and..." }, { "character": "Josh", "line": "You hooked up with Jan?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know, months ago, just once, It's, just stupid. Just forget it," }, { "character": "Josh", "line": "Yeah, let's change the subject." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I don't know what he's thinking, but I would just be so psyched if we just dated forever." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Take it slow. 'Cause it seems like a lot of the time things like that need... [Ryan walks in]" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Soda." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[to Ryan] Cool. Hey, so... do you want to... do something tonight? Or..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[under breath] Oh, no, not while I'm here." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I mean, I know it's Valentine's Day, or whatever, but there's totally no pressure at all, of any kind. What so ever. So..." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I can't tonight. I have plans with my friends." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "OK, That's cool. I completely understand." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Cool. Cool. OK." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "Josh Porter, Stamford." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "David [to Josh and shakes hands]" }, { "character": "Josh", "line": "Nice to meet you." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "And Michael Scott, Scranton." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Nice to meet you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ditto. [to Jan] How are you Jan?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Fine Michael. Thank you." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "OK. So we are in the process of doing a complete review of the company's financial strengths. All I'd like to do today is to..." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "Nervous, no I'm not nervous. Well, I guess I'd be lying if I didn't say I was a little nervous. Umm, the new CFO is judging me on this too, and well, it is Michael, so. Yeah, I'm very nervous." } ], [ { "character": "Josh", "line": "So with the twelve new local accounts, we had a total of four percent organic growth, which was just above our pre-year targets." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Thanks very much." }, { "character": "Josh", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "OK, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What is a business? Is it a collection of numbers and sales reports? Sure. But as you know, David and Jan, it is much more. [plays video on screen. David and Jan have confused looks on their faces.]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[video dialogue for \"The Faces of Scranton\"] Life moves a little slower in Scranton, Pennsylvania. And that's the way we like it. Because at Dunder Mifflin Scranton, we're not just in the paper business, we're in the people business. Let's meet some of the folks that make the Scranton branch so special. [video shows Stanley at desk] This is Stanley Hudson, one of our talented salesman. An African-American father of two, Stanley's dedication is no doubt one of the hallmark's of the foundation of the business we're hoping to build our bases on." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, I shot a bunch of footage around the office, edited it together on my Mac. I was thinking of entering it into some festivals. Probably won't. You know, not what this is about." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[video dialogue] And finally, Pam Beesly. Look at her. Look how cute. Not bad at all. As the receptionist, Pam is truly the gateway to our world. Well, I hope this gave you a little taste of what life is like here at Dunder Mifflin, Scranton. What it's like to walk a mile in Oscar's shoes. Or try on Phyllis' pants. Maybe even one of Angela's famous brownies. And you'll know, that you're home. [video says, \"Great Scott!\"]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Questions?" } ], [ { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Wow. OK, OK, thank you Michael, that was great." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, thank you." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "But, for right now what, I would really like to know about is the branch's performance, so do you have that information as well?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, absolutely David. Get that for you. I umm... [hands over report]" } ], [ { "character": "Delivery man", "line": "[with flowers] Can you sign?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[delivering plant to Oscar's desk] Oscar." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Nothing for me?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[walks away] Join the club." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Whose it from? [to Oscar]" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "My mom. [puts card in pocket]" } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "It's frustrating, because we'd be so perfect together." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know what? Here's the deal, Kelly. It would be really nice if he was in to you, right? It'd be great, but he isn't." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Yeah, it would be so great if he was." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, he's not, though. So you just gotta suck it up. You just gotta move on. Try to have some fun. Come to my poker game tonight." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Okay, cool. Is it okay if I invite Ryan? [Jim leaves]" } ], [ { "character": "Dan", "line": "And that about does it, thank you." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "OK. [looks toward Craig] Craig," }, { "character": "Craig", "line": "Yeah. Here's the deal. I did not understand this was supposed to be a full on... like report or whatnot." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Um, I'm sorry, what did you think financial presentation meant?" }, { "character": "Craig", "line": "I was under the impression this was, more of like... a meet and greet type deal." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "So, does that mean you don't have the numbers on your branch?" }, { "character": "Craig", "line": "That is correct, yes." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Craig, you realize that we're trying to decide whether if drastic steps need to be taken?" }, { "character": "Craig", "line": "Look, I'm sorry, I didn't know." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Well, the point is, is that doesn't exactly bode well for your branch." }, { "character": "Craig", "line": "Oh man, you know what? Michael made that stupid movie, he doesn't get into any trouble? Maybe I should have slept with you, too. [David looks at Jan, who glares at Michael.]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, ok. Alright." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "NO, NO I'm not, I'm not, I just... I just don't know what to do anymore, Michael. I mean, we're all gonna get fired." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No you're not." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Yeah, Michael - the CFO thinks that we slept together. Do you understand, people get fired for much less? And I just [scratches head] can't believe that you told everybody and we didn't even sleep together." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Technically, we fell asleep in the same bed. So..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Oh, God. Michael. It was months ago. It was once, It's over. Do you understand?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes. I'm sorry. I will fix this. I'll talk to him. I'll talk to David." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Surely, you cannot be serious?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am serious. And don't call me Shirley. Airplane." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Women are like wolves. If you want a wolf, you have to trap it. You have to snare it. And then you have to tame it. Keep it happy. Care for it. Feed it. Lovingly, the way an animal deserves to be loved. And my animal deserves a lot of loving." } ], [ { "character": "Roy", "line": "Hey babe." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "You almost ready to go?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I guess, yeah." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "What's wrong?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Nothing, it's just I had to sit here all day, while Phyllis got like an entire garden delivered to her." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "What, you're mad at me?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I mean, I know that we said no big gifts, but I was kind of hoping you'd get me something for Valentine's Day." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Well, Valentine's Day isn't over. Let's get you home and you are gonna get the best sex of you life." } ], [ { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "You understand this is a very serious situation." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No no no no no, yes I, OK, well, alright, here's the deal. It's my fault. This is, this is totally on me. Before you guys came in, I was talking to the guys. We were all chatting and I made a joke, a really dumb joke and Craig the idiot took it seriously. [Jan looks at Michael]" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "You made a joke?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I did, it was stupid. And Craig, you saw him, he's not the sharpest tool in the shed. Although he is a tool. [David grins]" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Well I don't need to explain to you that even a joke about sexual relations with your boss..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know. It was borderline at best and... And Jan is a fantastic executive and has all the integrity in the world and um, I'm really sorry. It will never happen again." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Uh, that's fine. Let's just forget it." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Good. [Michael leaves office]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Heading out?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah. Alright, Beesly, Hey, Happy Valentine's Day." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Bye. [Jim leaves]" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Goodnight Pam. [Leaves with oversized bear on back.]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Night Phyllis." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "Oh, Michael. Thank you again for that, really. It was very nice." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, no big deal. Really. Sorry again." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Oh, no, it's OK. [Puts hand in way of elevator door to stop from closing.] So, uh, Happy valentine's Day." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, Happy Valentine's Day. [Jan turns and then kisses Michael. Michael looks and sees camera, Jan turns and sees camera, too. Elevator door closes.]" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Oh." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oy vey... schmear. [Points at Fiddler on the Roof playing at Minskoff Theatre and does a dance.]" } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Everybody, hello, can I have your attention, please? Since it's Valentine's Day, there's something that I wanted to say. I love the women of this office. Pam, I love you." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael's got a few tricks for Valentine's Day. He found a place where you can get 12 plastic roses for $10 and he's got a great line. \"Me so thorny.\"" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I love you, Angela. Yes, even you. I love you, Kelly. I love you, Meredith. This is all platonically, of course." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I love ladies, always have. And you know what I think is the most attractive part of a woman's body? The brains. Because I don't think a woman is beautiful unless she is smart. And also, the brains are where the ladies get their best nasty ideas for bedroom stuff." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "You have any big Valentine's Day plans, Kev?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Not really, my fiance is out of town." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Where is she?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I'm not sure. Arizona? Sometimes she doesn't tell me." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Cool." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's a lot of noodles. How much sodium do you think is in that cup? This place used to be full of hookers and porn shops and it's not that way anymore. There's an old building. That one hasn't been torn down yet, but they will. They'll get to it." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Happy Valentine's Day, Meredith." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Thanks." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Okay, you take it easy, ace." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Here you go, Creed." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Hey, thanks, ace." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "I'm not good with names." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "This is where it's all happening. We got TGI Fridays. I'm in the picture! Sometimes I just jump into people's pictures. Lot of people have their picture taken. It's kind of a New Yorker thing. You jump in on a tourist's picture and kind of ruin it. There's an energy to New York that you just feel. Um, everybody... Don't get hit. Everybody is kind of together and everybody hates each other, but loves each other at the same time. Screw off! People just yell at each other in New York, and it's great." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I'm gonna go call Bob." }, { "character": "Vance Refrigeration Worker #1", "line": "So, what are you doing for Valentine's Day?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm gonna spend it with my fiance." }, { "character": "Vance Refrigeration Worker #1", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What are you guys doing?" }, { "character": "Vance Refrigeration Worker #1", "line": "Probably go grab dinner with my girlfriend. He's gonna be pulling his pud watching Skinemax. [points to Vance Refrigeration Worker #2]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Nice." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, okay. That's enough." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Come on, break this up." } ], [ { "character": "Receptionist", "line": "Yes, sure. Mr. Scott, you can head to the conference room. The other managers are already there." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Great. Thank you." }, { "character": "Receptionist", "line": "All right." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, here's the thing about Jan. She talks such a big game about, \"Oh there's nothing between us and stop talking about it.\" And \"Border-line harassment when you call me at home.\" But let me ask you this, is it just a coincidence that this meeting is taking place on Valentine's Day? Answer, maybe, but maybe not. We shall see." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "How do you spell \"animalian\"?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Animalian?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Why?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "None of your business. I'm writing something." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You're writing something?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Forget it. I'll look it up myself." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, you know what? You do it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, I'm not gonna do that." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Uh, yes, I'm in charge. You have to. Look it up." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "But I know how to spell it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So tell me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Only if you tell me what you're writing." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Forget it. I'll do it. But you're getting written up." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "So now you're writing two things?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dwight lives on a beet farm and he practices karate at the forth grade level. And he apparently has a girlfriend, so... I guess there really is someone for everybody." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[phone ringing] Hi, this is Kevin. Stacy? Happy Valentine's Day. Yeah. Oh, awesome. Okay. Yeah, I'll be leaving here soon. Cool. I love you, too. Okay, 'bye. Stacy's back." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "That's great, man." } ], [ { "character": "Devon", "line": "Hey Scott. Hey. Hey! Hey! Come here! Come here! I want to talk to you. Come here!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what? It was nice to see Devon again. To sort of get closure on that whole thing." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Let's think this through. If we ask Corporate for that then..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "They are either going to say yes... or no." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Could go either way. We don't know what they are going to say." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Think it through." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Have to think it through. Because if they say no..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Can we not?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No! Yes, we have to! You know why? Because I don't like to be cooped up in that office! In that box! All day long. [Michael starts playing with a football in the office] Heisman! Because I need to think. Okay, Jim? Oh, Kevin, oh! [laughs] Nice catch. Mmmm, mmm, mmm,mmm. Os-car! Intercepted." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Still want that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Give it to me. Phyllis, give me the ball. Ok, give me the ball. Give me, you guys... Creed give me the ball! Right now give it to me." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Ryan!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Fumble! Yaaah!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hut! Hut! Hut! Hike!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You all right Ryan?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ryan." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ooh. They're having a sale on TiVo. Maybe I should get a TiVo. Oh. DVD Burner! Maybe I should get one of those. You are so lucky, Jim. You are so lucky you don't have this problem. What was the 9th place prize again? A loaf of bread?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Cugino's pizza." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, great. Tasty, terrific pizza. Hmm. Question: Do their pizzas play DVDs?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dwight was the top salesman of the year at our company. He wins a little prize money and gets honored at some convention. It is literally the highest possible honor that a Northeastern Pennsylvania-Based Mid-size Paper Company Regional Salesman can attain, so..." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "What did I do to deserve this?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Are you sad that Dwight beat you?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Are you going to cry, Jim? Do you need a tissue?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Hey, I heard you got a wedding dress. Do you have pictures?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh! I... uh... yeah. Um... I'll uh show them to you later." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, I should get back. Talk to you guys later." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ok, cool." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I have a ton of stuff to do for the wedding. And I have to do it in the office. And that can be kind of awkward. Um... just because people can get all weird about wedding stuff. Then... I just... I don't want to offend... Angela... or someone." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's what she said!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ha! I don't get it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Grapes. Seductive. So you ready for the big speech this afternoon?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, it's not really a big speech. You still coming right?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh! Abso-fruit-ly. Fruit. Grapes. Nailed the joke. Matter of time. Um... And yes, it is a big speech. Biggest of your life." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Speaker at the Sales Convention. Been there, done that. Went there again, did it again. Two years in a row. Consecutive. I just... I miss the feeling of knowing that you did a good job because someone gives you proof of it. Sir, you're awesome! Here's a plaque. What, a whole year has gone by and you need more proof? Here's a certificate. They stopped making plaques that year." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What if I give a really long, extended Thank You. For instance, \"Thank you, Mr. Blank. Thank you very, very, very...\"" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That would look terrible. These are mostly salesmen and salesmen expect to be entertained and you are the main act." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "When I was in the sixth grade, I was a finalist in our school Spelling Bee. It was me against Raj Patel. And I misspelled, in front of the entire school, the word 'failure'." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I can't do this." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's because you're incapable of doing it because you don't know how. Because you have no skills. Dwight, there's no way I can possibly teach you what you need to know about public speaking by speech time." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "But I can teach you enough so that you don't embarrass me or the company." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, deal! I'll do whatever you say. No questions asked." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, if you have a question, you should ask me." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'll try and think of one. When..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Don't. Don't try and think of a question to humor me. Just... try not to be such an idiot." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Is that an insult or is that part of the public speaking advice?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Insult." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Mom, I'm sorry. I know you and Dad are chipping in for the wedding but I do not want orange invitations. Yes! Well, if you really want my..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hi, yeah, can I talk to one of your travel agents?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm going to take a trip. I'm going to get out of town for a while... and go someplace... not here." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Where do I want to go? Um... that is an excellent question. And one I should have probably thought about before I called you. Um..." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I get here early every morning so I can set the thermostat. I like it a little cooler, around 66 degrees. I'm more productive. Maybe some people don't like it as cold as I do, but I don't care." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[stand up comic voice] But seriously, what's the difference between a salesman and a saleswoman?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Saleswoman has a vagina." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's a joke, Dwight. It's not a Sex Ed class." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "But I'm right?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, you're right about the difference between a man and a woman, but not about the punch line to the joke, right? [stand up comic voice] The difference between a salesman and a saleswoman... is boobs!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey. Do you remember the speeches that you gave?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I do. Both of them." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Could I have a copy of one of them?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no! They would remember them. Look, it doesn't matter what you say. It just matters that you're saying something that people care about. Yeah? All right? Here we go. Watch this." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Attention everybody! Attention please! I have some very great news from Corporate. We had a wonderful quarter and as a result all of you are getting bonuses for 1000 dollars!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[generalized clapping and cheering] Congratulations." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Unbelievable." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "You see that? You see how they responded to me? In that moment, I had them." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That is so great about the bonus!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no! It's not true. I was just talking so just go out there and say anything. They'll eat it up. They're a great audience." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Go ahead. Get the wallpaper. Wallpaper the ceiling if you want. Call Terri and tell her she..." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "It's unbelievable!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Excuse me! May I have your attention please? There has been an accident on 84 West. Cars have skidded off the road into the safety railing. Several cars have flipped. There is broken glass everywhere. Several people are injured." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Do we know anyone who was in the accident?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Brad Pitt. Also there will be no bonuses." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Why would this affect our bonuses?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "They are unrelated." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Is Brad okay?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "He will never act again. Also, this branch is closing." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What the hell is going on here?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Are we out of jobs?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "This is karma because of what he did to Jennifer Aniston." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "He's kidding. Dwight was kidding and I don't know why because it wasn't funny... and it was just horrible." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "You said we were getting bonuses." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right. Everybody in the conference room now. Let's go. Let's do it." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Cancel wallpaper." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "As your leader and your friend, I sort of demand that you can all speak in public as I can... and did... twice. [speaking to camera] You saw the plaque, right? [to office] All right. We're all going to go around the room and we're going to make toasts. And that way, we will overcome our fear of public speaking." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You mean Toastmasters?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam! I'm public speaking. Stop public interrupting me. Actually, this would be good practice for your wedding toast." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, the bride doesn't really do... Have you ever been to a wedding?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Can I go?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes. Good. Jim taking the initiative." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "So. Uh... I am going on a trip. But not really sure where I'm going yet. It's kind of open-ended. So I was hoping maybe you guys would have some suggestions?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "You should go to Hedonism." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What is that?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "It's like Club Med, but everything is naked." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I was thinking more like Europe. Or something like that. But, good second choice." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Been to Amsterdam." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh ho hokay. You know what? That's not a toast. You're not standing up." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "[mimes lifting a glass] To Amsterdam." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "When did you go there?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Umm... After my divorce. Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Really for like how long?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Uh, about a week. Er... .um... .maybe a month. I uh can't..." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Jimmy, listen to me. You do not want to go to Amsterdam. Trust me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Where do I want to go?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "I'd send you to Hong Kong." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "Like to say 'Hi' to my friends in China. [speaks in Chinese]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, Dwight. Show us what you have learned today." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Good morning, Vietnam! [general groaning] Okay. You know what? This isn't working. Because um I'm not nervous in front of them. They're my subordinates." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No. We're not." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Uh, yes you are. I'm Assistant Regional Manager." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Which means absolutely nothing." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael, can you explain?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, it's mostly made up. So..." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight is not going to do a job. It's sad. And they're expecting excellence because I did do such a good job. Two years in a row. I killed. It was amazing." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Confidence, Dwight." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dwight. If you could travel anywhere in the world where would you go?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I can travel anywhere except Cuba. And I will travel to New Zealand. And walk the 'Lord of the Rings' trail to Mordor. And then I will hike Mount Doom. So... no... just leave me alone." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay. Just trying to get some advice on my trip." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh please! You're not taking any trip." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know I majored in Public Speaking in College." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You did?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mmmhmm. And the first thing they teach you is that you've got to be true to your self. And you are all about authority." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes. I am." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "The great speakers throughout history were not joke tellers. They were people of passion. So if you want to do well today, you got to do what they did." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Which is?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You've got to wave your arms and you've got to pound your fists. Many times. It's supposed to emphasize your point." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok, I didn't actually major in Public Speaking. But, I did download speeches from some of history's famous dictators. Like this one [holds up paper]. Originally given by Benito Mussolini." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok, look. I know you are giving this speech on your own but I wrote up a few talking points for you to take a look at. I hope you don't mind." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'll glance at it." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's time, Dwight. The grim reaper is here." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "The very best of luck to you, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thank you, Angela." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Why'd you pick the V.A. for the reception?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Roy has a connection. It's nicer than you think." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "You're inviting Jim?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Of course. He's one of my closest friends." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right. You ready? Here we go! Wow. It's a little bit bigger than I remember. Come on. We're down here. Right." } ], [ { "character": "Overhead", "line": "[song] You all ready for this?" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "[coughs] [sniffles] I am just feeling under the weather. And... I think that I will go home and rest." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I've never, ever seen you take a sick day." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Well, I've seen you take enough for the both of us." } ], [ { "character": "Speaker", "line": "Next, I'd like to introduce the Dunder Mifflin Salesman of the Year, Dwight Schrute!" }, { "character": "Crowd", "line": "[polite clapping]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight, they called your name." }, { "character": "Speaker", "line": "Dwight, how we doing?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, I can't... I ca..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right. You know what? Okay. No. No problem. You are lucky you have me here. I'm going to cover for you. [shouts] All right!" }, { "character": "Crowd", "line": "[claps]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Gooood morning, Vietnaaaam! I am not Dwight Schrute. Not at all. I am Michael Scott, his mentor and boss. And until Dwight comes up, if he ever does, I wanted to say a few words about excellence. What makes a work environment excellent? Well, there are many things, I believe, that do such a thing of that nature. And one would be humor. What is the difference between a salesman and a saleswoman?" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I always set it at 69. [snickers]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Maybe we'll use a DJ. That's the one thing Roy's in charge of for this wedding but all he's managed to do is set a date." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "But he did a great job. June 10th is perfect. I want a June wedding. I've always wanted one. Ryan, do you know when you would want to get married?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Actually, I don't see myself ever getting married." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ryan, you should be more sensitive. It's obvious she likes you and comments like that, they just..." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I know what I said." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm very sorry. I did not know you were wearing a hearing aid and I just thought you were speaking abnormally. ...And now the black guy from the 'Police Academy' movies. A robot. [makes robot sounds] Michael Winslow, anyone?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Car starting. [makes car sounds] All right, Dwight Schrute everyone." }, { "character": "Crowd", "line": "[clapping]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good luck. That is a tough crowd." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[bangs fists] Blood alone moves the wheels of history! Have you ever asked yourselves in an hour of meditation, which everyone finds during the day. [waves arm] how long we have been striving for greatness? [bangs fist] Not only the years we've been at war, the war of work, but from the moment as a child when we realized that the world could be conquered. It has been a lifetime's struggle [waves arms]. A never-ending fight. I say to you [hits podium] and you'll understand that it is a privilege to fight!" }, { "character": "Crowd", "line": "[clapping]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "WE ARE WARRIORS!" }, { "character": "Crowd", "line": "[clapping and cheering]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Salesman of Northeastern Pennsylvania, I ask you once more rise and be worthy of this historical hour!" }, { "character": "Crowd", "line": "[clapping and cheering]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[laughs maniacally] Yeah. Yes!" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I've got a time share in Key West that might be available." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Maybe. Thanks." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "You really think you're going to go?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah. I'm definitely going." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Nice. Send me a postcard." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Jim has worked at the same place for five years. Jim eats the same ham and cheese sandwich everyday for lunch. I don't know. If I were a betting man, I'd say he will have a fun weekend in Philadelphia." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No revolution is worth anything unless it can defend itself. [bangs fists]" }, { "character": "Crowd", "line": "[claps]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Some people will tell you salesman is a bad word. They'll conjure up images of used car dealers and door to door charlatans. This is our duty - to change their perception. I say salesmen... and women of the world unite! We must never acquiesce for it is together, TOGETHER, THAT WE PREVAIL! We must never cede control of the motherland! For it is..." }, { "character": "Crowd", "line": "[shouts] Together that we prevail! [cheering and clapping]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Australia? I have always wanted to go there?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm going. I'm a little nervous to run into Dwight on his connecting flight to Mordor. But, other than that... um, yeah, I bought the ticket, non-refundable." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That's awesome. Where are you staying?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I don't know. I feel like I have plenty of time to figure out the details but..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "When are you leaving?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm... leaving on June 8th." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah. And I'm really sorry about that, I just..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh yeah. That's too bad." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah. Do you want me to take these on my way out?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's ok. I got it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ok, thanks. [to Michael] There you are. What happened?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I got thirsty. How'd it go?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It was amazing. I wish you would have been there." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You would not believe what happened here." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What? Something happened?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh! This woman came in, sat down, ordered a drink. The bartender asked for her ID which I thought was odd because I pegged her at like 35." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Weird." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, it was weird. So, she was like 'I don't have my ID, please give me one.' And he was like 'I can't do that. I can't serve you.'" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Con artist." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "She might have been. So she says 'Fine. I will go to my room. I will get my purse. I will come back. I'll show you my ID.' She hasn't come back yet. She's probably in her room drinking from the mini-bar! Right?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight gave a great speech. That's the word on the street anyway. And I entertained Dwight to no end with my bar stories. So, I captivated the guy who captivated a thousand guys. Can you believe that? A thousand guys?" } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "My future is so bright, Jim. Jim, do you know how bright my future is? It's so bright that... What? Do you know? Is there something I got to wear? Huh?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Goggles?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[imitating '80s rock]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And what a lot of people don't understand about sales is that it has so much to do with organization. I have a system in place for keeping track of who I speak to, when I speak to them and what we have discussed. Etcetera." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's it? You're going to end with \"etcetera\"? Okay, what's this big organizational system that..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, do you think I should describe our filing system?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That would be suicide. Never, never talk specifics. Not in a speech. But the fact that you have no idea what to say is, believe it or not, the least of our worries." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It is?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's your delivery..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What is?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Our biggest worry." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I don't follow." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "My God, Dwight. The best way to learn is by watching. That's why porn is a multi-trillion-dollar industry. Listen. Okay. Sit down, let me wow you. [clears throat] [shouting]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, God!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "See, I have your attention now, don't I? You're scared, but now you're ready to learn." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, that didn't go well." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, it did not. And that is because at no time did you employ the use of humor. We'll find you a joke that not even you can ruin." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right, listen up, please. Dwight has a joke." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[whispering to Angela] Stop it. [to the office] Two sailors walk into a bar..." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Please don't tell a sailor joke." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, why not?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Her nephew's in Iraq." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Iraq is sand. Sailors are on water." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes, but they are both in danger." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, well, you know what? We need to... All right, everybody in the conference room now. Let's go." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Who's gonna start. How about Phyllis? You kick us off and then we'll move around. Go ahead." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "What are we supposed to talk about?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Anything your heart desires." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I would like to toast to the good fortune I've been having lately..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[shouting] Louder!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I, uh, I met a man and I'm totally in love, and that's a chapter of my life that I thought had closed. Uh, I was terribly depressed for the longest time and I have to admit I had some very dark thoughts..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good. Good, good, good. That's good. Now see, that's not so hard, right? All right. Who's next? Who are we going to... Ryan. Ryan's next." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Why am I next? I thought we'd go in order?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Don't be shy, shy boy. Don't be shy. Get up there." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Well... A lot of you know that I'm in business school. And while I'm learning a lot here, a lot, hopefully soon I'll land a challenging full-time or part-time position somewhere else." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Way to go, Ryan!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Stop! Stop! Stop! That's, you know what? The toast is really not supposed to be about anything. It's certainly not supposed to be about going anywhere or doing anything else, so..." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ryan is a temp, and that means that he could go at any time. Am I worried about that? Try scared to death." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I got the stamps." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "The ones that say \"love\" on them?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "The ones that say \"39 cents.\"" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh. Doesn't matter." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I didn't think it did." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "As soon as they leave, well get Kelly and start." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Kelly's helping?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Is that okay?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah, sure." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ghosts. Lots of ghosts in this old Radisson. There it is, Rosebud Room. Memories. Wow, this turnout is pathetic. I packed the house, you know." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, no, I don't think this is it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Numismatic. Numismatic Collectors. Nope, wrong room." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. They got sports medicine seminar, nope. Science fiction convention, nope." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, yeah, I read about that. The entire cast of Battlestar Galactica is gonna be here, including Starbuck. I'm so in love with her." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're weird." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, no, no. It's totally normal, 'cause she's not a Cylon or anything. She's just a great human fighter pilot. If I see her, my heart will explode." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Are you a 12-year-old girl? I don't know. There we go." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ah, look at me. I'm huge in Wilkes-Barre. Performing nightly, Michael Scott. Not comedy fans here, which is fine because not having a sense of humor is just as fine as having one. Questions? Comment? Can't see you, but I know that you're not breathing. I know you're breathing. Is this on? Hello? \"Well, isn't that... Well, isn't that special?\" \"Jell-O pudding.\" Bill Cosby. I think Bill Cosby said it best when he talked about his brother and all of the fun he... All the great things they did together as kids. And there was the one time when he put the snowball in the freezer, and it... And he waited for five months and then he took the snowball out and he threw it... He would have thrown it at the kid but then his mother had thrown out the snowball so he couldn't throw it. So... Bill Cosby is smoking! And now some race car. [imitating race car engine] That brings me to my... Brings me to a point that you should always have a list of your clients. It's important to because a client list is next to godliness... List. [baby crying] Could you shut him up, please? I mean, who brings a baby to a sales conference? Really rude." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm looking forward to 'Take Your Daughter to Work' day. I am not great with kids, but I wanna get better. Because I'm getting married. So, I put out a bunch of extra candy out on my desk so the kids will come talk to me. ...Like the witch in Hanzel and Gretel." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Bribery. Nice." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, I have more. [Holds up bags of candy]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam. Ms. Beasley if yer nastay! Janet Jackson. Hey! You having a wardrobe malfunction there? Or w---" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, Michael. You can't be nasty today. [whispering] 'Cause of the... [points to 'Welcome Daughters!' sign]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "... Oh, God is that today?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I reminded you last night." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Listen, I like kids. But this is not a kid's environment. This is like HBO, no limits. Who knows what I'm going to say? Crazy stuff. And it is R rated, it is not rated G. I am like Eddie Murphy in \"Raw,\" and they are trying to make me into Eddie Murphy in \"Daddy Daycare.\" both great movies, but, still." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, I'll be in my office." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Don't you think you should say something?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "They're cool." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael, I think that as the boss you should really---" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine. Hi, children. I'm Michael Scott, and... I... am in charge of this place... ahh, what'll make you... understand... I am... like Superman, and the people who work here are like citizens of Gotham City." }, { "character": "Jim & Dwight", "line": "[in unison] That's Batman." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, I'm Aquaman. Where does he live, guys?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "The ocean." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[under his breath] I work with a bunch of nerds." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[looks at Sasha] Mmm... hello tiny one." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "[to Sasha] Come on." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You are the future!" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "This... is my file cabinet. Uhm... oh. This... is the partition... between my desk... and Angela's." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Abby's my fiancee Stacy's daughter, I think she'll have a good time. I just hope she doesn't look on my computer. ...Actually, I'd better go check." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Michael, you remember my daughter, Melissa." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, yes, hello, how are you? Good to see you. Wow, you've really grown up. You know what? Don't mind me saying so, she is turning into a stone cold fox. Better keep the... frat boys away from her." }, { "character": "Melissa", "line": "I'm in eighth grade." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "She's in middle school." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, middle school's amazing. It is extraordinary. An extraordinary time." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's not that children make me uncomfortable, it's just that, why be a dad when you can be a fun uncle? I've never heard of anyone rebelling against their fun uncle." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[while Jake is throwing things at Michael] They want how many spiral pads?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Um, fif--well, fifty... I... over ordered because they had a back order." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I got permission to bring Jake into work, which is great because he got suspended this week and now I don't have to pay for a sitter." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Can you put that down there?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Yep. [spreads tablecloth]" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "[to Sasha] Okay, tell them what you wanted to say." }, { "character": "Sasha", "line": "Do you need any help?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No. Thanks. We'd... have to explain everything, it's probably just easier if we do it ourselves." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Alright, I wasn't expecting that. Let's uh... let's go draw." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh my God, she is so cute, I want to die. Don't you just love kids, Angela?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I guess I wouldn't mind a pair of small, well-behaved boys." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "God I cannot wait to get pregnant and have babies!" } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Kelly and I both agreed that we would just have fun, and, I'm learning that fun for Kelly is... getting married and having babies. Immediately. With me." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[on phone] Just compare last year's order to this year's. Uh-huh. Yeah, I'm looking at it right now. [Sasha walks in the door] ... Yes. We--yeah, they're very--they're different. [Sasha walks out] Yeah, we can stick with last year's, you're just going to have to supplement it, somehow." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, Abby! Do you want to help me shred some old documents? It's actually pretty cool." }, { "character": "Abby", "line": "No thanks." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I only have one goal today. To make one kid like me. Just one." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "What are you reading?" }, { "character": "Abby", "line": "From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Aww, best book?" }, { "character": "Abby", "line": "Yeah, but I've read it before." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Pfft. So have I. Hey, question. If you had to spend a night in the Met or the Aquarium, which would it be?" }, { "character": "Abby", "line": "Definitely the Aquarium." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Definitely. Yes. Glad you said that. ...You don't want to help me with some of my sales, do you? 'Cause, I'm kind of swamped." }, { "character": "Abby", "line": "Sure." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Abby", "line": "Mmhmm!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yesss. And you're Abby, right?" }, { "character": "Abby", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm Jim. [Jim hi-fives Abby] Annnnd... let's sell some paper." }, { "character": "Abby", "line": "Alright." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Let's start with... your mom." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[on phone] Yes. Well... we can... [Sasha walks in, begins playing with Michael's toy train] uhm... hey, uh, you know what? Can I call you back? I'll call you right back. Yes, I promise. ...Hello, can I help you? ... You can pick that up, if you want. That's--- that's alright. [Sasha moves the train to Michael's desk] Want to bring it over... here, make some room. My name's Michael. What's your name?" }, { "character": "Sasha", "line": "Sasha." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nice to meet you." }, { "character": "Sasha", "line": "Ooh! [picks up train whistle]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, you know what that is! That is a train whistle, like I'm the conductor. [blows into whistle] But I'm sort of the conductor of the office here, right? [blows into whistle] You want to try?" }, { "character": "Sasha", "line": "Sure. [Sasha blows into whistle continously]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All aboard for sales! Next stop, Cu...camonga! [Sasha and Michael laugh]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[shaking hands with Abby] Ow, ow, ow, ow, you broke my hand." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "There is no way that hurt." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Really? 'Cause she's pretty strong, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Little girl. Come over here. Shake my hand. Come on, I don't have all day. [Abby shakes his hand] I don't feel anything. Nothing. [to Jim] You're so weak. [Jake walks over and messes with Dwight's bobbleheads] Uh, excuse me, these are expensive collector's items, okay?" }, { "character": "Jake", "line": "Do you have any computer games?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, I don't have computer games on my work computer. That would be innappropriate." }, { "character": "Jake", "line": "Yeah, Meredith doesn't have any either. It's so lame here." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You call your mom Meredith? That's very disrespectful." }, { "character": "Jake", "line": "Whatever, okay?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You can refer to me as Mister Schrute." }, { "character": "Jake", "line": "That's your name? Mister Poop?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Schrute. Mister Schrute." }, { "character": "Jake", "line": "Sure, Mister Poop. [Jake walks away]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[quietly] ... Schrute. [Jim and Abby snicker, Angela glares at Dwight]" } ], [ { "character": "Sasha", "line": "[to Phyllis] Are you Mother Goose?" } ], [ { "character": "Melissa", "line": "I drink like, a hundred Ice Macchiatos a day, and practically nothing else." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Wow." }, { "character": "Melissa", "line": "There's a really cool coffee place, Jitters, at the Steamtown Mall. Ever been there?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Melissa", "line": "You've never been to Jitters? Ryan, you are so dorky. Gimme your number, so I can text you." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Uhm..." }, { "character": "Melissa", "line": "Come on! [Kelly glares through the door] You have an email address?" } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "...that I thought you should know ..." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Mmhmm. What?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I think something a little fishy is going on. [points to Ryan and Melissa]" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "A little fishy?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Yeah. I mean, I've been noticing them all day, I was thinking that maybe ... [Stanley gets up]" } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "That little girl is a child! I don't want to see you sniffing around her anymore this afternoon, do you understand?!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yes, I--" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Boy have you lost your mind? 'Cause I'll help you find it! Whatcha lookin' for, ain't nobody gonna help you out there! Jesus could come through that door and he's not gonna help you if you don't stop sniffing after my child!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Stanley yelled at me today. That was one of the most frightening experiences of my life." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[plays the recorder] That was Greensleeves. A traditional English Ballad about the beheaded Anne Boleyn. And now, a very special treat... a book my Grandmutter used to read me when I was a kid. This is a very special story, it's called Struwwelpeter, by Heinrich Hoffman from 1864. [reading from book] The great tall tailor always comes to little girls that suck their thumbs--- are you listening, Sasha? Right? And 'ere they dream when he's about, he takes his great sharp scissors out, and then cuts their thumbs clean off!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight! Dwight!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "There's a photo..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What the hell are you reading to them?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "These are cautionary tales for kids, my Grandmata used to read these---" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, you know what? No, no no no no. They, no. The kids don't want to hear some wierdo book that your Nazi war criminal grandmother gave you." }, { "character": "Sasha", "line": "What's a Nazi?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What's a Nazi?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[standing up] Nazi was a fascist movement..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Don't!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "...from the 1930's..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Don't! Don't! Don't talk about Nazis in front of--- you know what? They're going to have nightmares, so why don't you just shut it?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I was gonna teach the children how to make corn-husk dolls." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[sighing] Why don't you just leave? Okay?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "...Okay." }, { "character": "Jake", "line": "Bye, Mister Poop." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright. There goes Mister Poop. Now, who likes Dane Cook?" }, { "character": "The Kids", "line": "[raising hands] I do, I do!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Children cannot lie. They are innocent, and they speak the truth, and out of the mouths of babes, Michael Scott is freaking cool. [cracks up]" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "You know, I never misbehaved in front of my father because he was a very strict disciplinarian. I can only hope my mate has some of those same qualities [makes eye contact with Dwight]." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "This is where the magic happens! Right over here, let me show you this. See all these? [pets shelf of paper] You know what that is? That's paper. This is where paper comes from. Any questions?" }, { "character": "Melissa", "line": "So... you cut the paper and dye it and stuff." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, we don't actually cut the paper. That's a good question. The paper is sent to us cut, and dyed, from a paper manufacturer, and then we sell it to a business for more than we paid for it." }, { "character": "Abby", "line": "That's not fair. [the rest of the kids agree]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes it is, well, w-w--you need someone in the middle to facilitate..." }, { "character": "Jake", "line": "You're just a middleman." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm not just a middle... man..." }, { "character": "Melissa", "line": "Wait, why doesn't the saw mill just sell paper directly to people?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You are describing Office Depot, and they're kind of running us out of business." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "We have better service than they do!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "...There's Creed! Let's take a look at what he's doing, everybody! This is Creed, and he is in charge of... something. Right?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "That is correct." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Say hi to the kids." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Hi kids." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yaaaaay." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Have you ever seen a foot with four toes? [begins untying shoe]" }, { "character": "Kids", "line": "Ewwww!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What are you doing? N--stop it! Stop it! Just--no, no, no, no! No! Would you cut it out?! What is your problem?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Th-the hair covers it, mostly." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No no no, we're not gonna see--- we're not gonna see the four toed... Creed, okay?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know, there's something interesting about me you might want to know. I ... used to be ... the star of a kids show." }, { "character": "Kids", "line": "No way." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's true. I did." }, { "character": "Melissa", "line": "You serious?" }, { "character": "Jake", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am totally serious. There was a show called 'Fundle Bundle' and I was the star." }, { "character": "Abby", "line": "That doesn't sound like a show." }, { "character": "Melissa", "line": "What?!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's true! I can prove it! I can prove it, watch this. [gets up and runs out] Ryan, can you come here a second? [clears throat] I would like you to go to my mother's house in Dickson city, and if she is in the pool, the back kitchen window should be unlocked, I want you to boost yourself up, I want you to go down to the basement. In the basement is a tape labeled 'Fundle Bundle'. I want you to grab it, I want you to get my guitar." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Right. Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I want you to get the tambourine. Do you know how to play the tambourine?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Um, I'm already getting the pizzas from Bernetti's, so..." }, { "character": "Melissa", "line": "You know, I can go with him." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oka--" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "No! I will... go." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay! Thank you Ryan. Good attitude, hottest in the office." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[to Abby] Alright, nowwww... what kind... of pizza do you like?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't get why parents are always complaining about how tough it is to raise kids. You joke around with them, you give them pizza, you give them candy, you let them live their lives... They're adults, for God's sake." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am going to give you a little blast from the past of Michael Gary Scott when he was a child star, and a show that you might remember called 'Fundle Bundle.' Okay? Without further ado, Ryan?" }, { "character": "Miss Trudy", "line": "[from TV] ...Bundle, are you ready to come on in? [TV children cheer] Let's have some fun!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That... is Miss Trudy. Can't tell from the costume, but she had an amazing body. Okay, you can... fast forward. And... I want you... to..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Is that a real fun shooting windmill?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Stop! Stop! Stop! [Ryan resumes the tape] Yes! That is, uh, Edward R. Meow." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's pretty funny." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Edward R. Meow", "line": "...Recess! Hey, what's your name?" }, { "character": "Chet", "line": "My name's Chet." }, { "character": "Edward R. Meow", "line": "Well hi Chet." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Is that Chet Montgomery?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uhh, I don't know." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That is!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Checkin' in with Chet. Doppler's up." }, { "character": "Edward R. Meow", "line": "What do you want to be when you grow up?" }, { "character": "Chet", "line": "I want to be on TV!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[employees chuckle] And he is on TV now!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Can everyone please shut up, please! So you don't miss it." }, { "character": "Edward R. Meow", "line": "Okay, next? So, whats your name?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh! That's me. Shh. Shh." }, { "character": "Edward R. Meow", "line": "Well what's your favorite subject at school?" }, { "character": "Young Michael", "line": "Recess." }, { "character": "Edward R. Meow", "line": "Ree-cesss. So tell me, what do you want to be when you grow up?" }, { "character": "Young Michael", "line": "I want to be married and have a hundred kids so I can have a hundred friends, and no one can say no to being my friend." }, { "character": "Edward R. Meow", "line": "[jaw drops, awkward pause] Uh, ah... oh, okay! Well uh, nice talking with you, Michael. Uh, back to you Miss Trudy!" }, { "character": "Miss Trudy", "line": "Hi everyone, it's one of my favorite times of the day." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Coulda sworn there was..." }, { "character": "Melissa", "line": "Did you get married?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "...uh, no." }, { "character": "Abby", "line": "Why not?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh, just never happened." }, { "character": "Sasha", "line": "So, do you have any kids?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh, nope." }, { "character": "Jake", "line": "Do you have a girlfriend?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I do okay." }, { "character": "Melissa", "line": "Was Chet Montgomery cool back then?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Jake", "line": "Even I have a girlfriend." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay! Alright, okay." }, { "character": "Sasha", "line": "So you didn't get to be what you wanted to be." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "...I guess not... you know, I have a load of work to do so I am going to grab a slice of this delish pizza... and I'm going to go do my work. Bye." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "He's not coming out. He won't pick up the phone." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Can't believe his mom dressed him like that, that's the real tragedy." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "[wrestling with Jake] Pam! Pam! I love this guy! [laughs] Come on!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "So, Melissa... I met your mom a couple times. She's so nice." }, { "character": "Melissa", "line": "Who? Terry?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Mmhmm." }, { "character": "Melissa", "line": "That woman is not my mother. That is my step-mother." } ], [ { "character": "Jake", "line": "Mister Poop, I have to tell you something." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Uh, okay. But first, that's not my name." }, { "character": "Jake", "line": "You're ugly." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well at least I'm not a horrible little latchkey kid who got suspended from school. So..." }, { "character": "Jake", "line": "Meredith!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Toby knocks on door] Yeah?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I think these belong to you. [puts toys down on desk]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, that's okay, she can keep those." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Believe me, she has enough toys... she doesn't need your watch." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Is everything okay?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You have to ask me that because you work for human resources." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Uh... it's true..." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, sure, playing the field is great, don't get me wrong, but there's more to life than notches just on my bedpost." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Mmhmm." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Tell me something honestly, do you... think... that it is too late for me to have kids?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Well, you need a wife first, or at least a girlfriend." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What about..." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Not Jan." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "...Jan. Kay." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "If you really want to have kids, I--- I guess you could somehow... foster parent, or something." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "...Or biologically." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Somehow." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thanks, that's, no, that... that really means a lot to me. Hey, does Sasha have a godfather, because I..." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh... kay." } ], [ { "character": "Jake", "line": "Is it okay if I take one?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Sure." }, { "character": "Jake", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You're welcome." }, { "character": "Jake", "line": "Is your job hard?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's not too bad. I get to shred things sometimes, do you want to see?" }, { "character": "Jake", "line": "Yeah!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Jake", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay. Um... here it is. Don't put your fingers in there. [shreds paper] Cool huh?" }, { "character": "Jake", "line": "That's so cool, yeah!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, I get to do this like, every week." }, { "character": "Jake", "line": "That's so awesome!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I know." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, it is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username. And... I have a great one [types]. Little kid lover. That way, people will know exactly where my priorities are at." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Go ahead." }, { "character": "Abby", "line": "Do you want to come over for dinner tonight?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ohh, man, I would love to! I can't tonight, but can I come over some other time? [Abby nods]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "What're you doing? You never have plans." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thanks, Kev. Uhm... I'm actually going on a date." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Niiice." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, uh, no, please? You can't leave yet. There's still one more thing we need to do." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[singing] You... who are on the road... must have a code... that you can live by... [Dwight joins in] and so... become yourself... because the past... is just a goodbye... and teach... your children well..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Why does he own a guitar if he doesn't know how to play?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I think he thought his ukulele skills would transfer. [Jim leaves]" }, { "character": "Michael & Dwight", "line": "[singing] ...did slowly go by... and feed... them on your dreams..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "My theory is that... [Jim signals he's leaving, waves bye to Pam]" }, { "character": "Michael & Dwight", "line": "[singing] ...The one they picked... the one you'll know by... don't you ever ask them why... if I told you would cry... you never look at them and sigh... and know they love you..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And they do, your parents, love you very much." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "One more time. [singing] You..." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The Schrutes consider children very valuable. In the olden days, the women would bear many children, so we would have enough laborers to work the fields. And if it was an especially cold winter, and there weren't enough grains or vegetables, they would eat the weakest of the brood. [Laughs] They didn't eat the children." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Okay. I think five plain and one veggie should be fine." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "How about pepperoni?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I like extra cheese." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Absolutely not." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I like extra cheese, too." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Fine. The first lesson we'll teach children will be about obesity." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Thank you." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm pretty excited about today. I baby-sit Toby's daughter Sasha sometimes. So, she's the coolest kid. She has seen me play with dolls, though, so I don't know how cool she thinks I am." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Put that away and learn." }, { "character": "Melissa", "line": "Learn what?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Learn why Daddy's so cranky when he comes home from work." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I brought my daughter Melissa in. That girl is very spoiled. That child has no idea what I have to deal with so she can have her little cell phone and spend all my money at that Steamtown Mall." } ], [ { "character": "Abby", "line": "I'm gonna go read my book now." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[whispering] Angela. Is it okay if I'm the head accountant today?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I'm the head accountant." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah, but can I say that I'm it, just for today?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I can't set that kind of precedent. She's a bright girl. She'd see right through that." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You must be pretty strong, huh?" }, { "character": "Jake", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "You think you can beat up Darryl?" }, { "character": "Jake", "line": "Yeah. I don't know, maybe." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "I think you might be able to." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You think you could beat me up?" }, { "character": "Jake", "line": "Yeah. Yeah, I do." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Then you gotta have muscles, man. You got some muscles? Let's see." }, { "character": "Jake", "line": "I got some muscles. You wanna see the muscles? Bam! Look at that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, don't touch him, please!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Man, you have got to be kidding me." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Didn't do background checks of the warehouse guys. [exclaims] Well, I'm sure it'll be fine." } ], [ { "character": "Jake", "line": "Can I have a quarter? I promise I'll pay you back." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sure." }, { "character": "Jake", "line": "Can I have a dollar? Then I can buy chips and a drink." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. There you go." }, { "character": "Jake", "line": "Will you marry my mom?" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Melissa. Hey. I was working. I was in the middle of something." }, { "character": "Melissa", "line": "Just give me two seconds, I'll be done." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I was in the middle of something." }, { "character": "Melissa", "line": "Dude, seriously, just give me two seconds, I'll be done." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Stanley." } ], [ { "character": "Abby", "line": "...get you, I'm gonna get you! Come back here for more! [squealing]" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Kids, kids, kids, slow down." }, { "character": "Abby", "line": "Oh, I'm gonna get you!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What the... [pulls a pencil eraser out of his mug, after a drink]" } ], [ { "character": "Abby", "line": "Did you draw that?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah. Do you like to draw, Abby?" }, { "character": "Abby", "line": "Yeah, I wanna be an artist when I grow up." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Me, too." }, { "character": "Abby", "line": "You are grown up." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "So, how's your day been?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay. It's been a little more tiring than I thought." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Yeah, it doesn't help that Stanley's daughter's such a slut." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hmm." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, Abby. I wanted to give you this for all your hard work today. Look. Michael signed it and everything. Official." }, { "character": "Abby", "line": "Thank you so much." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Absolutely." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, I hate to break it to you, Abby. The certificate's a fake. Okay? It's not real. Where's the certification number, Halpert?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Actually, I have the certification number right here." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, really? Uh-huh." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yup." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh. Okay. Fine. Well done." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "\"A7557962.\" Totally nonsense numbers, but you do what you have to do." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "So, Phil recruited me to sell these cards, and now I am recruiting you." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Who is this guy again?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Don't worry about Phil. He drives a corvette. He is doing just fine. Okay. Calling cards are... the wave of the future. These things sell themselves." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Who uses calling cards anymore?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what? That's a nice attitude, Ryan, I'm just helping you invest in your future, my friend." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "This sounds like a get rich quick scheme." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes! Thank you! You will get rich quick. We all will!" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Didn't you lose a lot of money on that other investment, the one from the email?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what, Toby? When the son of the deposed king of Nigeria emails you directly, asking for help, you help! His father ran the freaking country, okay? ...Alright, so, raise your hand if you wanna get rich. [Jim and Dwight raise their hands] Alright." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, um. How is this not a pyramid scheme?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright, let me explain. Again. [draws on board] Phil has recruited me and another guy. Now, we are getting three people each. The more people that get involved, the more who are investing, the more money we're all going to make. It's not a pyramid scheme, it is a... it's not even a scheme per se, it's... [Jim draws a triangle around Michael's diagram] ... I have to go make a call." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Happy birthday Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh ho ho! What?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I said happy birthday." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you! That's really nice." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Today is my B-day, and people around here just go crazy for it. I don't know why. Oh! Fun fact. I share my birthday with Eva Longoria. So, I have a perfect ice-breaker if I ever meet Terry Hatcher." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "What's up?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey. ...Oh, happy birthday." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ah, thank you sir." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Did you hear anything yet?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "No. I'm still waiting." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Dwight knocks on door] Yeah." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes. There he is, the birthday boy!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ohh, god." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Birthday hug!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No no no, no, new suit, please." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That suit is amazing." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you very much. It is from Italy. [checks jacket] Actually--- no, Bulgaria." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Mmm. Maybe I should get one." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good luck. One of a kind." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ebay. Hm. Question! May I be in charge of the party planning festivities?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Not necessary, the party planning committee is all over it. They've been working twenty-four seven all day yesterday." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Excellent. On my part, I did manage to reserve the..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Don't! Nope! Please, don't want to spoil it for anybody. Spoil the surprise." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Let's get the party started. [Begins 'raising the roof']" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Let's get the party started. Not the way I taught you! [Michael joins in]" } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "When should we bring out the cake, one or one thirty?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "One's good." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "One thirty. [Pam yawns] I'm sorry, are we boring you?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Party planning committee, listen up. Michael would like trick candles for his birthday cake, so make that a priority." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Where do we get those?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Not my problem. Here is a list of things that Michael would like to be surprised by. [hands list to Pam]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael wants a strippergram?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes, but he doesn't want to know when, or whom." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No. This is a closed door meeting." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[answering phone] Yeah?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael, I have Jan on the line." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, great, put her through." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Hello, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, you." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I'm... returning your call, you said it was urgent." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It is urgent, I just wanted to call and wish you a happy birthday." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Well, today's not my birthday, so..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really? 'Cause, I thought we had the same birthday." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "...Happy birthday, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thanks. [grins]" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Am I on camera?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nope. Totally private. You can say whatever is in your heart. [Jan hangs up]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[to Ryan, sitting across from Michael] ...You can take a five, if you want." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Somebody brought in donuts for my birthday!" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Mmhmm, happy birthday." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thanks." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Man, I'm so sorry. When do you find out?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "They said this afternoon. They're waiting on a second opinion." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, okay." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Second opinion on what?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Um, I might have skin cancer." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh, no! I was watching Grey's Anatomy, and there was a lifeguard on it, and he had skin cancer too." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Kelly, you know what..." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I never really thought about death until Princess Diana died. That was the saddest funeral ever. That and my sister's." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Who brought in donuts?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Somebody got donuts for my birthday!" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Happy birthday!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You didn't know it was my birthday." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I... guess I forgot." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, I guess I forgot to give you a donut [closes box]." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Are you serious?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mmm." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Skin cancer is treatable." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Right." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "It's going to be okay." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "You don't know it's going to be okay. Don't give him false hope. ...It's probably nothing, though." } ], [ { "character": "Delivery Woman", "line": "Hi, delivery for Michael Scott." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Here we go. Ohhhkay, this is great! [giggles] Thank you my friends, she is perfect! Ahhh, Dwight, may I have your chair please? And, um, some singles, if you will! Allllright. Nnnnn-dink! [puts single into delivery woman's pocket, giggles] Okay, um, alright. This has arms. Is that gonna be a... is that alright?" }, { "character": "Delivery Woman", "line": "Uh... s-sure." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[laughing] Okay. I'm so nervous." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I can sign for it." }, { "character": "Delivery Woman", "line": "Oh. Thanks." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "When I was seven, my mother hired a pony and a cart to come to my house for all the kids... and... I got a really bad rash from the pony, and all the kids got to ride the pony and I had to go inside, and my mother was rubbing cream on me... for probably three hours, and I never came outside. And by the time I got out the pony was already in the truck. And around the corner. So that was my worst birthday." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[eating donuts while Dwight plays the recorder] Stop it. Stop! What is that?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's 'For the Longest Time,' by William Joel. It's you favorite song." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, well, it's on the radio. My birthday blows. Nobody even signed my birthday poster. Probably my mother is the only one that cares enough to send me anything." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I probably care more than she does." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're making it worse. I bet Luke Perry's friends don't treat him like this [points to James Dean poster]." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "When does he hear?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Sometime today." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ohh... poor Kevin." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "If I knew I had a week to live, I would... probably go to Europe. And South America. And the Grand Canyon. And... I would want to see the Pacific Ocean. ...It would be a pretty busy week." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Uh, that's a list price of four dollars and fifty cents. Unfortunately, this item is on [watch beeps] back... order... [hangs up] Michael! Michael! Michael Michael Michael! Come here, come here, come here! Come here!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Listen up everyone! It is 11:23 exactly, the exact moment when you emerged from your mother's vaginal canal, so... huh?! Right, have a seat. Please." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[grinning] Ohhh, God." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "There is a tradition that the Hebrews have of hoisting the birthday boy up on a chair." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ohhh, no." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So come help me celebrate Michael's birth moment. Kevin!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "...I'll do it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ohh, no, no, no! I can't... Ryan, come on. Let's do this." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Creed! Come on. Stanley!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "...I feel like we should go get Kevin something. Do you think we can sneak out of here?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Maybe, but... we're gonna need somebody to create a diversion, and..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "On three, we're going to hoist away! Ready?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Happy birth moment, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "One. Two. Three! [Michael is raised until his head hits the ceiling]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Whoa whoa! Alright. Alright. Watch it... please." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oscar..." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "It wasn't me." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, that is not an eight foot sub." }, { "character": "Delivery Boy", "line": "Uh, we don't make an eight foot sub. This is eight one foot subs." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "F. Alright, what's the damage?" }, { "character": "Delivery Boy", "line": "Uh, thirty-nine sixty." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[pulls out wallet] Thirty nine... sixty." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist, because... I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Here they come." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Get in here... everybody." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Come and get it!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Birthday party subs! My gift to you." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What is this?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Uh, bologna, tomato and ketchup." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "The best." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "These are all the same?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Bologna? I don't eat bologna." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, then just have the tomato and ketchup. Still good." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just the bread, it's fresh baked." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mm-kay. Get whatever you want. [under breath] And choke on it." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "When I was sixteen, I was supposed to go out on a date with a girl named Julie. But there was another Michael in the class that she apparently thought the date was with, so she went out with him, on my birthday. And, she got him a cake, at the restaurant. And it wasn't even his birthday, but I heard about it the next day in school. So... That was the worst birthday I think I ever had." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "So. We got Kev some stuff. Um... a party pack of M&M's, his favorite candy. A DVD of American Pie 2, which is his favorite movie, and, he lent it to Creed, so, I can guarantee you he won't get that back." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Sixty-nine cup of noodles." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Which we realize sounds crass, but, it... is his favorite number." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "And his favorite lunch." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey temp, you know uh, we still got five feet of sandwich left [pulls ice cream cake out of freezer]." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[making peanut butter and jelly sandwich] Someone ate three feet of that thing?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hell, yeah. Save room for ice cream cake." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[grabs cake] Oh. Thank you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh. I got it." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "What are--- it's... the party planning committee." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[whispering] This is the most important day of the year. I can't risk anything." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Fine." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What about that meeting... later... to discuss finances?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yes... [whispering] but don't expect any cookie." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[whispering] But what if i'm hungry?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[whispering] No cookie." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[puts fabric softener into cart] ...What?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You use fabric softener?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, you don't?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, I do." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "...Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Office Staff", "line": "[singing] Happy birthday dear Michael, [Michael joins in, Kevin's phone rings] Happy birthday... [everyone but Dwight stops] ...tooo youuuu." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hello? Hey." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Kevin? Respect the birthday please." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "No, um, no not yet. I will. Bye. [hangs up] It was just Stacy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Are you done? ...Good. Okay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Here we go. Make a wish." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uhhh... blow out the candle. Okay. Mmmm... [blows out the candles]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yaoo yay! [claps]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "... I asked for trick candles." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Pam was supposed to get 'em." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. Well, when she comes back we'll do it again. [notices Meredith hugging Kevin] Hello, what about the birthday boy? Haven't had a hug all day." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No one cares about your birthday. Kevin's waiting to hear if he has skin cancer." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "... Aww, that... sucks, great. ... Wow, that's good timing. That's... that's, sorry, that's terrible. Terrible news. That's terrible... terrible news for both of us [takes cake into office and slams the door]." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[checking watch] We should probably head back." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah. Okay. Oh. I dare you to make an announcement." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You dare me? How old are you?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Just... quit stalling." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[over loudspeaker, imitating Darth Vader] Luke, this is your father. Come set the table for dinner." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Such a dork." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[loudspeaker] Jim Halpert? Price check on fabric softener, the kind that gives you..." }, { "character": "Store Employee", "line": "Ma'am? Please don't touch that. That is not a toy." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh I'm sorry. I'm sorry." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "How old are you?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I hate you." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "[to Kevin] Honestly, is there any way you can get on your fiancee's plan? Our health plan is s... just... it's terrible." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "There you are. Good news. Did some research. It turns out that 98% of people with skin cancer fully recover." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Still scary." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, but it's not brain cancer. And it shouldn't stop us from having fun. You know what they say the best medicine is." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Well the doctor said a combination of interferon and dicarbazine." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And laughter... also." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I don't really think people are in the laughing mood." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why are you here? I didn't even invite you to my birthday party." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I work here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[mocking voice] Nyeh, I work here. [to Kevin] Alright, well, you know what, since Toby doesn't speak for everybody and I am your boss, I... think you should just go home. Take the rest of the afternoon off. Take a sick day." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "If I go home now, I'll just drive myself crazy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, you're pretty much driving everyone else here crazy... crazy with worry." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Where have you been? And don't say the bathroom, 'cause I kicked in all the stalls." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well that's an invasion of privacy, so, I'm going to tell Michael." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Please, don't." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You... owe me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Excuse me, everyone. Attention please. Kevin, we're going to take you to a very special place, a place that will make you happy, and a place that is far, far away from the evil sun." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Is this trip related in any way to your... birthday?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "How dare you sir. You are gross." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[sees 'Happy Birthday Michael Scott!' poster at skating rink] That should not be there." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'll get someone to take it down." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, it's alright. It's already up. Just leave it. Where's Kevin? Come on! Let's get our skate on!" } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Don't be scared! You're good! You're good!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Think you can let go?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No. [laughs]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. [Michael skates by]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "YEAH!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Who is that?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Is that Michael?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, I've been pretty much skating my whole life. I thought about playing in the NHL, but, you're on the road so much. You got no time to spend with your wife and kids. And I really want a wife and kids." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I got it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey Pam, all this stuff with Kevin... um, it's pretty scary. And I'm thinking that uh, next time you're in the shower, you should check yourself out. You know, give yourself an exam. Those things are like ticking time bags. Alright? Think about it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "...It's something to think about." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I can't relax about it, you know?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Kevin. You heard anything yet?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "No, not yet." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. Well. Live strong." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Okay, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah. Carol? She sold me my condo! Hey! What, is this place on the market? Or..." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "Uhh, no, I... don't just sell real estate. Uh, my daughter has a skating lesson." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, these... all your kids?" }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "No just the front two." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, hey guys. Whats up? You wanna go for a ride? Is that okay?" }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "Sure." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Cool. Alright. Grab on. Here we go. Ready? Hang on tight. Alright. We are moving. We are reaaallly mooovin' now!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Push. Good! That's great. You got it. [Kevin's phone rings] Excuse me." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hello? Yeah okay. Alright. Okay, I will, thanks. [hangs up] It was negative." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh... God... [stomps] God! [throws hockey stick and yellow paper bracelet down] We're gonna beat this, okay? We're gonna... come here [hugs Kevin]." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, apparently in the medicine community, negative means good. Which makes absolutely no sense. In the real world community, that would... be... chaos." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "This is awesome. Thanks, you guys." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, who's this from? Wowwwee, look at that! Jersey!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Turn it around. Turn it around." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Cool. Ohh. Great. From Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Number one!!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you... Dwight. That's great. Thanks." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "This is from all of us." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh! You didn't need to do that. ...Nightswept. This is... really amazing. Thank you. I love it." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael's birthday was actually pretty cool. It was a good day. I don't know... It was a good day." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Michael's birthday. It's pretty fun to watch, actually. He gets very excited, and then he eats a lot of cake. And then he runs around the office. Then he has a sugar crash in the afternoon. And then he falls asleep. And that's when we get our work done." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Let's get the party started." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's not how I taught you, right? [singing] My hump, my hump, my lovely lady lump Check it out [Dwight imitating drumbeat]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael's birthday is hard for me because he gets very excited. But he's also under a lot of pressure, which builds up until he's ready to explode. As his right-hand man, it's my job to release that pressure so that he can enjoy himself, if only for a moment." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, here's the thing about bosses and employees. A good boss will say, \"Hey, it's my birthday. Celebrate me.\" A great boss will say, \"Hey, it's my birthday. Celebrate yourselves, because you are the ones who made me great, and I will acknowledge your contributions with donuts.\"" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good. You know, Ryan, you didn't have to get me a present." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I won't." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good. Great." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Okay, good. I think I'm gonna go." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I think you're gonna stay." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "On my 20th birthday, my supposed best friend, Sam Ambrose, ditched me for his twin sister's Sweet Sixteen party. And that was my worst birthday. Until today." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Can you please stop staring at me? [Dwight continues to stare and then walks away]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "To think that a man's skin could turn on him. It's brilliant, 'cause you'd never expect it. Most people think of their skin as an ally. [scoffs] Makes me rethink having skin at all." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[knock on door] Mmm-hmm." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Hey. I got the information." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, good. Okay. Don't tell me, tell them." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[turns to camera] \"The survival rate for localized melanoma is 98%.\"" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, my God. That's a piece of cake. That's a piece of cake. Oh, 2%. Jeez, that's good." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[looking at camera] \"There was 7,800 deaths from melanoma in 2005.\"" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Out of, like, 18 billion Americans, so, no worry." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "\"For localized melanoma, the five-year survival rate is 98%. The survival rates for regional and...\"" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Those were probably misdiagnosed. I mean, anybody with a zit goes in and says, \"I have cancer.\"" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "\"The skin is the largest organ of the body.\"" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Untrue. The heart is bigger than the skin. If you stretched the heart out, it would cover more than the entire body." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "I'm not afraid of dying. I know where I'm going. But if I were Kevin, I might be terrified. Gluttony." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Kevin Malone, you're next. Spit that out. [Kevin shoves the rest of the donut he's eating into his mouth] Spit... Okay, come on, let's go." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "You look cute today, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thanks, girl." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "So, yesterday Dwight found half a joint in the parking lot. Which is unfortunate because as it turns out, Dwight finding drugs is more dangerous than most people using drugs." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Let's go over some of the symptoms of marijuana use, shall we? You tell me who this sounds like: slow moving, inattentive, dull, constantly snacking, shows a lack of motivation." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[nods] Hey..." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I like the people I work with generally, with four exceptions. But someone committed a crime and I did not become a Lackawanna County Volunteer Sheriff's deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven't." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[mimicking Stanley] I enjoy the tangy zip of Miracle Whip." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[laughs] Jim does the best impressions. Sometimes he'll look up at me from his desk and he'll just be someone else. Like he'll go um, [makes mournful face, giggles] that's supposed to be Phyllis. I can't do it as good as he can." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "And the guys are saying, chug, chug, chug, but I'm so small and all I'd eaten that day was one of those Auntie Anne pretzels from the food court so I said \"Is it okay if I sip it?\" and they said no, but Ryan seemed cool either way." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Stop! This is not Kelly Kapoor story hour. Illegal drugs were consumed on company property, okay? Your ass is on the line, mister! My ass is is on the line! Now I'm going to ask you again. What time did you go home last night?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Six." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I didn't know that you were at a party on Saturday night." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I go to a lot of parties." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, I'm gonna need to search your car. Give me you keys." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I am not giving you my keys." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Don't make me do this the hard way." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "What's the hard way?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I go down to the police station on my lunch break. I tell a police officer, I know several, what I suspect you may have in your car. He requests a hearing from a judge and obtains a search warrant, once he has said warrant, he will drive over here, and make you give him the keys to your car, and you will have to obey him." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah, let's do it that way." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ry, is he bugging you? Dwight, dude, you gotta take a chill pill, man. It was one joint in the parking lot. You know, you're totally harshing the office mellow." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I can't stop this investigation. It is my job." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Whoa. You are a volunteer." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I volunteered for this job." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And that's not the same." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It is my duty..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[interrupting] Volunteer duty." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "...to investigate the crime scene. I have six more interviews to go and then I will reveal what I know." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[fake coughing] Narc!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[giggling]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "If you are attempting to compliment me then you have done a very good job." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I wasn't attempting to compliment you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, you have..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uuf, well..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "...because being a narc is one of the hardest jobs that you can have..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[shakes head] Okay..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "...and I am very proud of being a narc." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why don't you just cool it, cool it Dwight, please, God! [to Jim] Dude, where's my office? [Jim quietly laughs] I totally lost it, 'cause I was half-baked. Smokin' doobies. Doobie brothers, I was smokin' doobies with my brothers. Peace out, Seacrest!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, your office is behind you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thanks. M-m-munchies. Who wants some munchies?" } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I don't think Michael's ever done drugs. I don't know if anyone has ever offered him any." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oscar visited Mexico when he was five to attend his great-grandmother's funeral. What does that mean to a United States law enforcement officer? He's a potential drug mule." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Have you ever taken any illegal drugs?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "No, I have not." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Do you think it's possible that maybe you could have had some drugs in your system without you knowing about it?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What are you implying?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Have you ever... pooped... a balloon?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Okay. I'm done with this." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "He sure left in a hurry." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I don't want to blow this. This is what all good law enforcement officers dream of. The chance to solve an actual crime." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Do you know what this is? [pushing a photo toward her]" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yes, it's marijuana." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "How do you know that?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "It's labeled." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[grabs pictures back and looks at it] Dammit." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "That is Northern Lights Cannabis Indica." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, it's marijuana." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm just saying that you can't be sure that is wasn't you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's ridiculous, of course it wasn't me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Marijuana is a memory loss drug, so maybe you just don't remember." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I would remember." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, how could you, if it just erased your memory?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's not how it works." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Now how do you know how it works?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Knock it off, okay, I'm interviewing you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No! You said that I'd be conducting the interview when I walked in here. Now exactly how much pot did you smoke?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[opens eyes wide in total surprise]" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "So Pam told me that you do a great Stanley impression, I'd love to hear it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, um...[mimicking Stanley] Why do you keep CC'ing me on things that have nothing to do with me? [Pam and Oscar laugh, Stanley walks in, and Oscar leaves quickly]" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Is that supposed to be me?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, hey Stanley. Uh, I was just doing an impression." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I do not think that is funny." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "He does everyone in the office." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Hmmmpt." }, { "character": "Pam & Jim", "line": "[in unison] I do not think that is funny." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Jinx! Buy me a coke." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, no, no, no talking. Jim is not allowed to talk until after he buys me a coke. Those are the rules of jinx, and they are unflinchingly rigid. [Jim puts money in drink machine, selection is sold out]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Sold out? That has never happened in the history of jinx." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[mouths] C'mon!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Sorry, that's not my problem." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[presses drink button, looks at camera, makes Jim-face]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I know you're innocent, but I can't look like I'm treating you any differently." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I understand." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Where were you yesterday after work?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[smiles knowingly]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Who's he calling? Ratting somebody out. Narc! Narc! Kevin?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "That is so good, Michael" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Remember the narc bit? [laughs] Uh-oh, who's in trouble?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Attention everyone. Drug testers are coming in a couple of hours to test everyone's urine." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Waa... what? What are you talking about?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Company policy. If drugs are found on the premises there is automatic drug testing conducted within twenty-four hours." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Is that true, Toby?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Oh, when you sign your job application you agree to comply with random drug testing." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Two nights ago, I went to an Alicia Keys concert at the Montage Mountain Performing Arts Center. I scored these great aisle seats. Anyway, after the opening act this beautiful girl sits down next to me and I never get to meet girls with lip rings and she had one. I don't know exactly how this happened but one of her friends started passing around some stuff and they said it was clove cigarettes, and I'm sure that it was clove cigarettes. Everybody in the aisle was doing it." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, attention everyone the drug testing has been cancelled. Instead, I will be going around to each of you and doing a visual inspection." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No you can't do that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I can do that, it is my office." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No you cannot. It has to be official, and it has to be urine." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hmmm. Ha. [under his breath] Alright. Great." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Kevin, what prescription drugs are you taking, besides Rogaine?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I'm not taking Rogaine." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Angela, what about you?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I don't take any prescription drugs." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You're not on anything?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[Gives Dwight a knowing look]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Good." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "So the first time we went out to dinner, it was like, whatever, fine, but I was so nervous. So this time I wanted to be special, so I bought a new dress! [Jim hunches his shoulders and grins] One of those kinds that is kinda low cut at top to show something, but not everything. [Jim shakes his head no in agreement] I mean not everything, Jim. [Jim shakes his head in agreement] I promise, I'm not that kind of..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey guys, what's going on?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "We're having the best conversation. [Jim, eyes wide, shakes his head, no]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, okay. Well, Michael wants to see everyone in the conference room. [Jim shakes his head. Seems relieved to be getting away from Kelly] But you know what? We have a few minutes so you guys should definitely finish up your conversation. [Jim nods his head as if to say, \"Gee, thanks, Pam.\"]" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "So, I was looking so hot..." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "It has come to my attention that some people here think that the use of drugs is something to laugh about." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "We don't feel that way." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No, not at all." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You were the one joking around calling Dwight a narc." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, uh, no. That was a test. I was testing you, and you all failed. Miserably. When I said that Dwight was a narc, how many of you defended him? How many of you said, \"Hey, you know what, he's right? What he's doing is protecting this office from the evils of drugs.\"" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thank you, Michael." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am ridiculously anti-drug. So anti-drug that I am above suspicion in any way that involves suspicion, or testing of any kind." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Drugs ruin lives people. Drugs destroy careers. Take Cheech and Chong everybody knows that Cheech and Chong are funny, but just imagine how funny they would be if they didn't smoke pot. I want everybody to take a look to their left. Now I want everybody to take a look to their right. One of those people will be dead from drug use at some point in their lives. This year more people will use cocaine than will read a book to their children." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Where did you get these facts?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Are these facts scaring you, or are they not?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "They are not." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do you think that smoking drugs is cool? Do you think that doing alcohol is cool?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "No, I don't. I have a glass of red wine with dinner about once a week. For the antioxidants." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, enough, enough, enough! I have written down a list of illegal drugs. Take a gander. How many of these are you familiar with?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Hookah is not an illegal drug, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes it is." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "No it's not. It's a type of pipe. You can fill it with tobacco, often mixed with fruit, or other flavors." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, you know what, Toby? Pam, can you take this down? [Pam throws her hands up to indicate she has no notepad] In addition to Toby's urine being tested, I would like to test his blood and his hair." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "You can't do that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I can test anyone randomly, and I have chosen you randomly." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "That's not random." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, eeny, meenie, miney, moe, is random. Okay, you know what? I'm going to need a volunteer to select one of these words and tell us of something tragic that happened in either their lives, or the lives of a loved one. Yeah, Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I know that Jim has an amazing story about a relative of his who got caught up in the world of drugs." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really? [Jim shakes his head no]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Uh, hmmm." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jim it's okay. You can t... [Jim looks at Pam and shakes his head, Pam looks at him and gestures for Jim to go up and tell his story] This would be a good place to let it out, Jim. These are people you can trust. These are people who care about you. [Jim shakes his head no] It's okay, just we will not judge you. We are here to not judge you. [Jim stands up] Oh, he's doing it, okay. [Jim looks at Pam] It's okay. [Jim pretends to try, looking teary eyed, shakes his head no, mouths \"I can't\" and sits back down. Pam is amazed.] Oh. Okay, are you sure? [Jim shakes his head. Kevin pats his shoulder] That looked like it was going to be good. Alright. [Pam nods in admiration at Jim] Okay, well." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Wow! He really pulled out the big guns. Fake crying. Did not expect that." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "The point I'm trying to make with all of this people is that I hate drugs. I hate them, and based upon what I have seen you all don't quite hate 'em as much as I do so you are going to have a drug test, and I am not." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, you will be tested." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, I will not be." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You will be. That is the law according to the rules." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, well Dwight just know that I've been very busy today and I got a lot of work to do and I wasn't planning on going to the bathroom and I don't even know if anything is going to come out, okay? So good. Thank you." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hi, Linda. Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager. You might remember testing my urine a few years back when I was applying to be a volunteer sheriff's deputy." }, { "character": "Linda", "line": "We test a lot of urine." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Mine was green." }, { "character": "Linda", "line": "Oh, right. How are you?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm all better." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "So I need you to do some work on the St. Andrews account. I need your urine. I need some filing done." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What kind of filing?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just forget it. Just the urine." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That goes directly to the tester." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just. I need your urine." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Like in a cup?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes in a cup, we're not animals, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "For what purpose?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's none of your business." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Then I refuse." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. Alright. Just, I went to an Alicia Keys concert, over the weekend, and I think I may have gotten high accidentally by a girl with a lip ring." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Are you serious?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I need clean urine for the lady." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "But that's illegal." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Don't think of it that way. It's like, urine goes all over the place. You know, there's no controlling it. It just... goes" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Not my urine." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "A cup could find its way under the urine. It might be an accident. It happens." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Were you forced to do drugs at this concert?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, just look. Look. Just... just fill up the cup." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Do you want to give Michael your urine?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I want him to have all the urine he needs." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "You're not going to get my permission on this." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I know that. Don't you think I know that?" } ], [ { "character": "Linda", "line": "Yeah, we do testing all over the country." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Cool. Hey, are you guys hiring?" }, { "character": "Linda", "line": "You want to work at the urinalysis lab?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah. Maybe." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "My father's name was Dwight Schrute. My grandfather's name was Dwight Schrute. His father's name Dwide Schrude. Amish. I loved my father very much. Every morning he'd wake up at dawn and make us biscuits with gravy. When I was little my dad and I played a lot of games together. My dad cheated a lot but I never busted him on it. I would have, except I didn't know about it. He didn't tell me till years later. I was shocked when I found out." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "What? [Jim shakes his head] Did you want to tell me something? You look like you want to tell me something. [Jim shakes his head no] You look like you have something really important to say and you just can't for some reason. [Jim smiles] Come on, you can tell me. Jim, you can tell me anything. [Jim stops smiling and looks down. Pam wonders what that means]" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I'd like a magazine." }, { "character": "Linda", "line": "We just need urine, sir." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I'd still like one." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight. Well, I passed the test thanks to you and your untainted pee. Thank you very much." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's great." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What's wrong? Where's your costume?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's a uniform and I turned it in today when I tendered my resignation." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why? Wha..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I took an oath when I was sworn in and I broke that oath today." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[placing a coke can in front of Jim] Here. [Jim looks confused] Just buy it from me. I haven't talked to you in hours and it's been weird and I really want to know what the hell's going on with Dwight. [Pam scoots the coke can towards Jim. Jim pulls out his wallet and hands Pam a dollar. He gives the coke back to Pam]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "How much time do you have left on your break?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ten minutes." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Since you did such a good job with the investigation, I decided to pull a few strings. Call in a few favors. and I've decided to make you official security supervisor of the branch." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, sir." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's fantastic because I've always felt that the security here sucked ." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So you wanna? Thanks." }, { "character": "Hank", "line": "Dwight K. Schrute, I hereby declare you an honorary voluntary corporal in charge of assisting all activities security." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Hank", "line": "Here's your badge." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thank you, Michael. Very nice. Great. [To Hank] Can I have a gun?" }, { "character": "Hank", "line": "No, I don't have a gun." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, I'll have to bring in my bow staff." }, { "character": "Hank", "line": "I don't think so." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[salutes] Thank you, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. Oh. Uh...[awkwardly salutes]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I need to go over some details with you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright. [to Hank] Well, Thank you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "First of all, Hank, how many orange traffic cones do you have?" }, { "character": "Hank", "line": "Two." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, God." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow. What a terrible day to not be able to talk. Dwight was literally carrying around his own urine and dressed like one of the Village People. Why does he do the things that he does for Michael? I just don't get it. What is he getting out of that relationship?" } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[growling] Nice." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Kevin." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Do someone else." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Um, [gives Pam a look]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Angela." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Whoa." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "The eyebrow." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm not only hoping to find the culprit who committed this heinous crime, I am praying to find this heinous culprit. And I will pray to Thor himself, if that's what it takes." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Michael's behavior is erratic and unpredictable, but I don't think he's doing drugs. Maybe he should. Take the edge off. Uh, not at work, of course." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "People use marijuana to escape. Jim does not have a girlfriend. His sales are nothing to brag about. And he does not belong to any organized clubs. If that were my life, I'd do drugs." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "He asked if you've been acting withdrawn lately." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "And what did you say?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I said no." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Hmm." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "You're welcome." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Your turn, Stanley. [Stanley just takes a drink from his mug] Angela, you're up." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Last night? Let's see." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Go ahead. Don't lie." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I won't. It's just that last night is really hard for me to remember because I was just a teensy bit high. Should I have not said that?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, no, no. It's okay. Go ahead." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I know that I shouldn't have done it. But I was in the parking lot at the Quick and Easy." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "And I took a bong hit from my Bong Water with my pimp." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Pam said you had something important to tell me. Is it bad? Am I getting fired? [Jim shakes head 'no'] Why aren't you telling me? It must be bad. They're taking away my kid. I knew it. [Jim waves arms and shakes head 'no'] They're not taking away my kid. Oh." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh, sure, I can definitely help you with that. Okay? Please hold." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Kelly Kapour. Say your prayers. Let's go. Conference room, pronto. Come on, step it up." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Drugs are everywhere in our society. They are omniscient. If you look at the amount of pot that was smoked in the United States last year, that would reach the moon." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "How?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Exactly. I know. It's amazing." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "No, how could it reach the moon? Like, would you make it into a rope, or..." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "I have some hemp ropes at my house, they're really strong..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Shut... Shut it. No. Just... Just focus on the facts. Cocaine. They use cocaine." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, me? Just one of the gang. Sitting in the back, doodling, not playing attention. Bam! Pow! Surprise! Got you! [Note pad reads, \"Creed -Shifty eyes / Ryan - Dilated pupils / Kelly - Hyperactive\"] There's a Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy in your midst, and he is taking names." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "One thing that you need to remember is that there's no way of knowing who's a user, who's an abuser, because we don't know. It could be anybody. Your instinct is to say it's somebody-like Stanley or Oscar..." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Excuse me?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no! Your instinct. That... Your gut reaction is to say that, but I don't! That's, that's... Those are instincts that have been created by media and hype. And they are wrong. What I am saying is that you just do not know who drug users are. It may be the person you least suspect. It may be somebody hot, like Pam, or it could be somebody matronly, like Phyllis, but just not me." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "It's not me, either." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No? okay, fine." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "[on the phone] Michael, I'm gonna get going. I really don't think I need to be in this meeting." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, well, I really think that... [dial tone beeping]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Has she been on the phone the whole time?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah. Sorry you had to hear that. It was a lovers' quarrel." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Make-up sex. Nice!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Nice." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, let's get personal for a second, shall we?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The scary thing is, it could have been any one of these people. They all had a motive. To get high." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, well, I made up some fliers for everybody to take on your way out, in case you're ever tempted. So there you go. And, Dwight, you know, I'm very busy today. It wasn't even planning on going to the bathroom, so I don't even know if anything will come out." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "just drink a lot of water." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You have to relax your muscles around the bladder." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't... Let's just not talk about it, okay?" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[reading from Michael's flier] \"Drugs: Let's not and say we did.\" I think Michael was high when he wrote this." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "You know, sometimes I wish we just didn't have a conference room. [Kelly laughs] You know? He couldn't do that." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "But then we wouldn't have any meetings." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Okay. Bye, Toby." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Bye." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh, my God. Oh, my God, oh, my God. Hello? Yes, I am so, so sorry. Yeah, actually, I don't have that information just yet. Uh-huh. Listen, do you mind if I put you on a brief hold? Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "I look forward to drug testing. I used to get a runner's high, which is why now I swim." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Why would I be worried? I'm not a drug user. I would never abuse my body like that. I mean, they are plenty of other ways to have fun. My body is 100% drug-free." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[telephone ringing] Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam. Um, hold, please. [to Jim] There's a Brenda on the phone for you. [to Brenda] Just one second, I'll transfer." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[telephone ringing] [shows note to camera \"It's OK. She'll call back!\"]" } ], [ { "character": "Man", "line": "She's got it up now." }, { "character": "Sheriff", "line": "He'll be up. Okay, sure. I'll get someone down." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey. Hey. Jerry." }, { "character": "Sheriff", "line": "Thanks." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Sheriff Pierce? I'm turning in my badge." }, { "character": "Sheriff", "line": "Where sis you get that?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I got it here." }, { "character": "Sheriff", "line": "No. No, you didn't. we didn't give you this." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, I mean at the gift shop. Also, I can't wear this anymore." }, { "character": "Sheriff", "line": "You were never supposed to wear this in the first place, Dwight. Come on now, seriously, you got me concerned here a little bit." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, don't worry. I never abused my power. I only tried to help the Sheriff's Department in any way I could." }, { "character": "Sheriff", "line": "Right, well... Why don't you give me a couple examples of ways that you've helped us out?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, God, there are so many. Roadside assistance, breaking up unruly parties, surveillance..." }, { "character": "Sheriff", "line": "Surveillance?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Crowd control, directing traffic..." }, { "character": "Sheriff", "line": "Mace! You... You've been carrying around weapons-grade Mace?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I've only had to use it once." } ], [ { "character": "Vance Refrigeration Worker #1", "line": "[tosses the butt of a joint in parking lot] We should get a pizza." }, { "character": "Vance Refrigeration Worker #2", "line": "I hate pizza." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "So, uh... you found a band for your wedding yet?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "'Cause I'm in a band. We really rock." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, I mean it's inevitable. I definitely overhear some wedding preparation, but I'm fine with it. She hears me arranging my social life. And we both have to hear Dwight order deer urine over the Internet, so it evens out." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh I got the 'Save The Date'." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yeah, pretty stationery." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, thanks!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I didn't get mine yet." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Uh..." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "There are a few people I decided not to invite, and that might make things kind of awkward but ... it's my wedding. And I don't want anyone there who has called me a hussy." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, thanks, Fantastic Sam's. Adult Cut Plus. Comes with a shampoo and blow dry. We're doing I.D. photos today. Gotta represent." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Uh, on or off?" }, { "character": "I.D. Photographer", "line": "Off." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Okay... [removes glasses]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh! What is on your face? Is that a disguise?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "[leaving the room] Excuse me." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Clown paint." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I.D. badges are long overdue. Security in this office park is a joke. Last year, I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day, with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's a nice tie." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That is... who makes that?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Um, I don't..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do you mind if I wear that for the photo?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Um... let's um, let's keep our clothes." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "It's like child abuse. I say, if Jesus saw that, he'd freak out! He'd freak out, Toby! I mean on some levels... it's... and I'm supposed to work there. I'm supposed..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[walking into the Conference room] What's the dealio?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Just letting Oscar vent a little. We would use the break room, but the photographer's back there today." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What's the problem?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Angela!" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "It's just a little dispute over a poster in their workspace." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Since Christmas." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So what, you're having a little spat. I forget, are you guys dating?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Michael, can I talk to you for a uh, second please?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Here's how I usually handle this: all I do is listen." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "These things just have a way of working themselves out." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "It's like if you write someone a letter, when you're really angry... they say to keep it in a drawer for a couple days. Then you just never end up sending it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What do you know about conflict resolution? Your answer to everything is to get divorced. So..." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay... what?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "That was the right decision for me and my marriage." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, well... that's not gonna fly here. Because in this office, it is till death do us part... assuming we don't get downsized. [leans over to Pam] Uh, Pam, will you get Angela and meet us in the conference room please?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[holding up a binder] A mediator's tool chest. Okay, well, before we get started, you should know that are 5 different styles of conflict.[in a comedic voice] My Shaolin temple style defeats your monkey style." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Can we go? I have a lot of work to do." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. Okay, this is important. The first style is lose/lose." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What's the next one?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just hold on, please! Okay, if we do lose/lose, neither of you gets what you want. Do you understand? You... you would both lose. Now I need to ask you, do you want to pursue a lose/lose negotiation?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Can we just skip to whatever number 5 is - win/win or whatever?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Win/Win is number four and number five is win/win/win. The important difference here is with win/win/win, we all win. Me too. I win for having successfully mediated a conflict at work." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[in front of poster] Okay, since this is the disputed poster. Now, one at a time, I want you to express your feelings using \"I\" emotion language and no judging or \"you\" statements." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I got this poster for Christmas, and I feel I want to see it everyday. It makes me feel like the babies are the true artists, and God has a really cute sense of humor." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Come on, seriously, that?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I don't like looking at it. It's creepy, and in bad taste, and it's just offensive to me. It makes me think of the horrible, frigid stage mothers who force the babies into it. It's kitsch. It's the opposite of art. It destroys art. It destroys souls. This is so much more offensive to me than hardcore porno. I'm talking about the..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, okay. Stop, stop, stop! Let's see if we can just brainstorm and find some creative alternatives that are win/win." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Win!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes. Thank you, Pam. How about Angela makes the poster into a t-shirt, which Oscar wears. That way, he can never see it and whenever she looks at Oscar, she can see it. Win/win/win." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "That's... no..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay... well, brainstorm. Own the solution." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "How about, I leave it up?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "How 'bout, she takes it down?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "How about, Angela can keep it up on Tuesdays and Thursdays?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, that is called a compromise. And it is style 3. And it is not ideal. To sum up, win/win - make the poster into a t-shirt, win/lose - take the poster down, compromise - Tuesdays and Thursdays. And the answer is... make the poster into a t-shirt! Win/win." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Win." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Fine." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "But, it..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[claps his hands twice] It is done!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Win" } ], [ { "character": "Photographer", "line": "[snaps a photo of Creed, then Creed turns to the side for a profile shot] No, you're all good." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Great. [gets up and leaves]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, Angela.[hands her a Save The Date card] I didn't have your zip code." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oh. Thanks." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "It was hand delivered. But, I did get a Save The Date after all. It's not my taste." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "You solved it?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Well, good. We can, uh, throw that one out. [shuffles through papers]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Are those all the other complains?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Mmm-Hm." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I would like to see those please." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I... I can't do that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You can't do that, huh? Huh, ok. Now you and I have a conflict. I order you to give me that file." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "That... [shakes head and places hand over the file]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. [yanks the file away, despite Toby's resistance] There! No more conflict. [looks at the camera] I had to use win/lose on that. It was not pretty. [looks back at Toby] All right... is that it?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "[sighs and pulls out a box under his desk] It's all Dwight's." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Every Friday at 4, I have a standing appointment with Dwight for him to file a grievance against Jim. I tell him that I'm sending them to a special file in New York. That box is the special file in New York." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ohh... God. Alright. Why do I have to do everything?" } ], [ { "character": "Photographer", "line": "Are you sure? [looks at Oscar, who is front of the camera, holding the baby poster in front of his chest]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, he's sure. Just shoot." }, { "character": "Photographer", "line": "[shoots twice]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[looking through papers in the complaint box] This is from Kevin. He says Stanley uses his Miracle Whip without asking. Meredith complains that everyone talks too loud in the morning and the lights are too bright. Creed... huh. Duh, duh. Creed is sick of looking at the redhead all day and wants a seat facing the receptionist." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Nice." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You will notice that not one of these complaints is against me." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Actually, I have a separate folder for complaints against Michael. This [unlocks a drawer]is January through March of this year. [pulls out a fairly large folder]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "How many of you have at one time gone to Toby to complain about another employee? [looks at all the employees, most of whom raise their hands] And... did you get what you wanted, or were you merely listened to, you forget about your problem, and you move on? [employees mumble \"merely listen to and forgotten...\" ] That is outrageous! I love this place... and it pains me to see all of the negativity festering... [sighs] Okay, today we are going to get everything out of these files and into the open, where it can be resolved. Alright, how about the Phyllis/Angela dispute?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "You already did me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's what she said. [Jim mouths these words along with Michael] The thing is, Angela... you are in here an awful lot. You have complained about everybody in the office, except Dwight, which is odd because everyone else has had run ins with Dwight. Toby, by the way, what does \"redacted\" mean? There is a file full of complaints in here marked \"redacted\"... ?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Yeah, it just means whoever complained came to me later and withdrew it, so I took their name off." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, ok. There were a bunch of complaints about Dwight that were put in the redacted file about six months ago." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Whoa.. wha... wait. If someone has a problem with me, why would they withdraw it six months ago?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[notices Angela's intense concern] Um... let's move on. I volunteer. Did anyone have a problem with me?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right, Pamela. Come on down! Let's do it! And [looks through the file]... okay. Just one complaint. Actually, it has been withdrawn. So that is no help to us. Next." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Wait, what did it say?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh... [reading]\"Does she have to plan her wedding on office time? Couldn't she do that at home?\" [Pam looks Angela an angry look] Who else? Why don't we just warm up first? Warm up emotionally, all right?" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I have this kind of big secret about Angela. And I've been really nice to her... and I haven't told anyone. And what the hell?!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Here is a Kelly complaint: \"Ryan never returns my calls.\" Ugh, join the club." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "My voicemail's really spotty... sometimes..." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I didn't file a complaint. I was just talking." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "To your HR representative." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "To my friend, I thought. I want that withdrawn." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Fine, I'll take your name off. [looks at Michael] So no one will know." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[crumbles up the complaint paper] Makin' progress. [Jim raises his hand] Yes?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dwight tried to kiss me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What?!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And I didn't tell anyone because I'm not really sure how I feel about it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That is not true. Redact it. Redact it!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, I'm not actually making a formal complaint. I just really think we should talk about it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, question. [looks at Toby] When a name is withdrawn, does that also apply to the permanent misbehavior file in New York?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Sure." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Stanley. [off camera]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[gets up and walks over to Angela, whispering to her] Hey. Thanks for ratting me out!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[still of camera] You got a lot of anger under there buddy. Come on start us out. Unleash it." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I didn't do it! [Michael and Stanley continue to talk off camera, but it's inaudible]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I find that hard to believe... considering you have problems with every single person in this entire office except Bobblehead Joe." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Someone complained that the men's room is \"whites only\". Stanley, you know that's not true." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I didn't say that." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Then why is there a picture of a white man on the door? [Michael, along with the camera, look at the standard stick man on the bathroom door.]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, Phyllis. You complained that Angela's giving you dirty looks. And you tried to get off the party planning committee." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "No, I never said any such thing. Angela and I are close." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And... also, Phyllis, Stanley says that you cry too much, and that bugs him." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Stanley and I are close, too." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "We sit close." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh... ok." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "[sits down for his ID picture] Just take it. [flashes goes off, while he is standing back up again]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I can't believe Angela. I went against my better judgment, and I gave her a Save The Date. And now it turns out she complained about me to Toby." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, it was redacted. Look, if she wants an invite, maybe she's just trying to be friends." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Don't take her side." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[sighs] Well, what does Roy think about everything?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't know. I try not to bother him about this kind of stuff." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You mean your thoughts and feelings?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah..." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I know you keep saying it's your space, even though there's no assigned parking, but I keep forgetting." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yes, that's the problem." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I guess so..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, well... all settled, then." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "[whispering to Angela] I don't like you." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK, Ryan. You told Toby that Creed has a distinct old man smell?" } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "I know exactly what he's talking about. I sprout mung beans on a damp paper towel in my desk drawer. Very nutritious. But they smell like death." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right, Kevin. You are accused of making sexually suggestive remarks to Angela that made her feel uncomfortable. Solution: Angela, you are to make sexually suggestive remarks to Kevin that will make him uncomfortable." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I accept your decision!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey... you know what, Dwight? Maybe we should get our photo I.D. taken together." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That doesn't make any sense." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, it saves time, you know. 'Cause we could just meet in the parking lot every morning. Walk in together. Perfect." }, { "character": "Photographer", "line": "[to Dwight, who is sitting in front of the camera] Smile." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I never smile if I can help it. Showing one's teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "This came out really well. [picks up Dwight's I.D. from the laminating machine and hands it to Dwight] There you go." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "This is humongous. I am not a security threat..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And my middle name is 'Kurt', not 'Fart'." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What did I write?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I have another complaint for Jim's permanent file." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Talk to Michael. I gave him the box." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What box?!" } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "But I didn't report your snoring-" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Wednesdays, tearful. Tuesdays... [Dwight walks in and rummages through his complaint box]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh. Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ah... agh... dgh... Ahh! No, no! Four years of malfeasance unreported. This cannot stand." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay! Calm down." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No! You calm down! Who's side is Toby on? Who's side are you on?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, hey!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Him or me?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Stop." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Him or me? I cannot work with Jim anymore." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Either he goes, or I go." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You choose!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Stop..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "One of us is out of here by the end of today! [runs out]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh... kay..." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I am not bluffing!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Do the right thing here, Michael. Okay, I have served you loyally for years." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mm-hmm." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I deserve this. You know I do!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[picks up Dwight's I.D. and snickers] You know your I.D. says you're a security threat?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You have till five." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, look, Jim. There's a sales manager position open in Stamford. Want me to call Jan and tell her you're interested? I could put in a good word for you, 'cause I'll still be working here. Transfer! Transfer! Everybody! Transfer! Transfer! Transfer! Transfer!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay... you two, in the conference room with me. Nobody leaves until we work this out. Cage match!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Cage matches? Yeah, they work. How could they not work? If they didn't work, everybody would still be in the cage." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, so Dwight, in your own words - [reads from complaint paper] \"Someone replaced all my pens and pencils with crayons. I suspect Jim Halpert.\" [flips to another paper] \"Everyone has called me 'Dwayne' all day. I think Jim Halpert paid them to.\"" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[laughs] Yes! Five bucks each. And it was totally worth it." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[reading] \"This morning, I found a bloody glove in my desk drawer and Jim Halpert tried to convince me I committed murder. I think he may be the real murderer.\" [flips to another paper] \"Jim Halpert said there was an abandoned infant in the woman's room. When I went to save the child, I saw Meredith on the can.\" Gah. \"This morning, I knocked myself in the head with the phone.\"" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "That actually took a while. I had to put, uh, more and more nickels into his handset, till he got used to the weight, and then I just... took 'em all out." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[reading] \"Every time I typed my name, it said 'Diapers'.\"" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Just a simple macro. You know, these actually don't sound that funny one after another. But he does deserve it, though." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "\"By the end of the day, my desk was about two feet closer to the copier.\"" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, I just moved it an inch every time he went to the bathroom. And that's how I spent my entire day that day." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "The Japanese have this thing called shiatsu massage, where they dig into your body, very hard. And it is very painful. And apparently, some people throw up. But the next day they feel great. I've never had one. They sound awful." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Maybe Stanford would be cool." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's a good market. Higher volume." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah. Maybe we should both go." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I have a girlfriend..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Sure you do, Dwight. Sure." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, there's like, 300 more of these. Let's get to them later." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So, you going to transfer Jim or not?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Maybe, I haven't decided yet. Let's get to work." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I want an answer by tomorrow." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. Oh... actually, tomorrow's not good. How about later in the week?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Fine." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good. Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey! Wait. How about a group picture while you're here?" }, { "character": "Photographer", "line": "I can't. I only get reimbursed for the I.D. photos." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well... that's... what, a computer camera, right?" }, { "character": "Photographer", "line": "You mean digital?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It'll take like two seconds." }, { "character": "Photographer", "line": "20 bucks." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ugh... All right. Everybody, [looks around at the employees] come on. Group photo for the newsletter." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "You gotta be kiddin' me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Come on, everybody." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Come on, let's go. Creed, Kevin, Oscar... andale! Let's go." } ], [ { "character": "Photographer", "line": "One, two, three... smile. [camera flashes, but no one smiles] Try to smile." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We resolved a lot today, everybody. Think happy thoughts." }, { "character": "Photographer", "line": "Alright, I'm just gonna take it on three... whether you smile or not. One, two, three. [camera flashes]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good, let's check that out. [looks at preview screen] Ew, okay, all right. One more. We'll take one more." }, { "character": "Photographer", "line": "That'll be another 20." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Angela, I want to talk to you about something." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[off camera] You just press the button." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[looks at to Jim] I am. [looks at Angela] It's about the Save The Date." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Pam, it wasn't her." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What?!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm the one who complained about you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I... I didn't know that Toby was gonna write it down. [the camera flashes] I was just venting." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[off camera] Okay, good. Check that out." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know, it was one day." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[off camera] That's terrible." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And I took it right back. It was like..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh, dear." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[off camera] Let's pay Mr. Price Gouger. [rejoins the group, on camera] Okay... we can do this. Come on, everybody. All right. Here we go. [flash goes off before he sits down]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "It was really hard getting a good picture of fifteen people. He would not give me a good discount. And eight tries added up." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[flashback the photo being taken] One, two..[flash goes off] Didn't say three, did I?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "But, I'm sort of an expert at Photoshop, so it turned out fine in the end. When people work together, there is going to be conflict. You can't outrun your problems." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[on Pam's answering machine] Hey, Pam... it's Jim. Um, I have a doctor's appointment in the city. So I probably won't be in till the late afternoon. Just thought I'd let you know. Okay, bye. [camera shows Jim sitting on a waiting coach in another Dunder Mifflin office]" }, { "character": "Female worker", "line": "Okay, Jan will see you now." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, thanks." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "And that is why the idea of a cage match is so universally appealing. But here's the thing about cage matches: sometimes you have to open the cage. And that is something Toby will never understand." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[elevator bell dings] What is this? What happened here?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I don't know." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, this does not look good. Did anyone see what happened around my desk area this morning?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dwight, I really think someone's probably just playing a prank on you, so just go right through it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "A prank, huh? This is official police line tape, okay? It's not a prank." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Probably is." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Damn it, people! Someone must have seen something! [Jim's cell phone beeping] Oh, you people are useless. Jesus." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[telephone ringing] Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam. Hold, please. Dwight, it's the Sheriff. He said that it's really important. It's regarding your desk. I'll transfer." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, no, no, don't! I can't... [groans] [telephone ringing]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Just cut through it, man, it's no big deal." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "This is why I'm a Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy and you're not." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That is not why. Wow, man, he really wants to get in touch with you. Maybe it's a murder." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, there's no blood." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Maybe poison?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Possibly." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "My God!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[exclaiming in fear] No, Jim, no! [Jim knocks Dwight's phone off its cradle] [yelling toward the phone] Sheriff, this is Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy Dwight Schrute. Press the pound key! What's your 20?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nothing much is happening today. We are having our photo IDs taken. Whoop-de-doo. Can't always be like The Apprentice." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I know." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "On Big Brother, something important happens every day. But real life is not like that." } ], [ { "character": "Photographer", "line": "[Dwight slurping] Okay, here we go. One, two..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "He sometimes wears glasses, write that down. Also, that may not be his real hair." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I hate it when people don't tell each other why they're angry. My dad was like that. I would say, \"What's wrong, Dad? What's wrong, Dad? What's wrong, Dad? What's wrong, Dad? What's wrong, Dad? What's wrong, Dad?\" Over and over and over. And he would just look at me like I was an idiot." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm the one who petitioned the office board to have these ID badges taken." }, { "character": "Photographer", "line": "So there were no death threats?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Let me see your ID." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "There is this old story about two women who each think they are the mother of this baby. And they can't decide, so they bring the baby to a wise man. Just like a manager in those days. And the wise man says, \"I will adopt this baby and raise it as a Hindu.\" See? They didn't expect that. And that fixed it. Because I think he was the dad anyway." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "There are dozens of old complaints in here. Cold cases, like the show. [imitating gonging] And Toby is a lazy detective who has decided that these armed robberies and rapes and murder/suicides are not important enough to solve. Well, you know what? I have a problem with that. And I'm going to open up these cases before Toby can kill or rape another person." } ], [ { "character": "Photographer", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That's not bad. Hey, do you do weddings?" }, { "character": "Photographer", "line": "Would you seriously want your wedding photos to look like that?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Not bad." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I gave her a higher clearance than you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What does Level Red mean?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you. [laughing maniacally]" } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Wait. [puts eye drops in] [Photographer takes the shot and her eyes are closed]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "No, wait. [put on a hat] Yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "You must have misdialed. This is Phyllis. No, I'm not sure what his extension is. [glares at Stanley as he glares right back]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wow! I never thought Dwight would go postal. It's always the person you least expect and I always thought Dwight would go postal." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Come on, Dwight, I think it's actually healthy to get it off your chest." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm done talking. I am a Schrute. We don't back down." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "You're arrogant and pompous, and I don't like you." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "\"Cage Match\"? I don't know if it was in the packet from corporate, because I barely read any of it. So if you're asking if I stole their idea, the answer is no." } ], [ { "character": "Hank", "line": "Excuse me, sir! Dwight Schrute, is that your real name?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes, sir." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Morning." }, { "character": "Hank", "line": "Good morning. Okay, go ahead." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thank you. [elevator door closes] No, come on... God!" } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Tonight the Scranton Business Park is having Casino Night and we are converting our warehouse into a full-blown gambling hall. And I know it's illegal in Pennsylvania, but it's for charity. And I consider myself a great philanderer. It's just... It's nice to know at the end of the day, I can look in the mirror and say, \"Michael, because of you, some little kid in the Congo has a belly full of rice this evening.\" Makes you feel good." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Excuse me. How long is the wait for a table for two?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I would never, ever serve you. Not in a million, billion years." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's a nice tux." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I know. It belonged to my grandfather. He was buried in it, so family heirloom." } ], [ { "character": "Roy", "line": "So, what's the deal? We gotta pay for our own drinks? That's lame." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Come on, it'll be fun, and besides, I'm a roulette expert." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Impossible. Roulette is not a game of skill, it is a game of chance." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I can always kind of win at roulette." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, really? Mmm-hmm." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "How would you do that?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mind control." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[laughs] You can't be serious. Are you serious?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ever since I was a little kid, like, eight or nine, I could sort of control things with my mind." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I don't believe you. Continue." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It was just little thing, you know, like I could make something shake or I could make a marble fall off the counter. You know, just little things." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[scoffs] That's ridiculous. You know what? Uh... Why don't you move that coat rack? Excuse me, everyone! Attention in the office, please. Jim is about to prove his telekinetic powers and he needs absolute silence. Go ahead." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, I'll try. [The coat rack wobbles] [Pam holds up an umbrella handle to the camera in another scene]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, my God." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I try not to think of it as lagging behind. It's more of a David-and-Goliath thing." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "[on phone] Yeah, but... Well, the fact of the matter is that your branch is currently number four of the five branches that I oversee." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Top 80 percent!" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "You know that I'm very serious here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jan, listen, I promise that I will kick it up a notch. Bam!" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Emeril. Oh, actually, while I have you, not that I have you or have ever had you, but we're having our Casino Night tonight and I think everyone would love to see their fearless leader here." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I thought that you were their fearless leader." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am, but you are the Eva Peron to my Cesar Chavez." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "[laughs] I think you can handle it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, come on. Come on." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I think so, Michael..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know, it'd be fun. I can hear it in your voice. You need a break." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Goodbye, Michael." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jan and I understand each other. The romance thing is sort of on hold for the time being, but we've remained good friends. Good friends with privileges. Not now, some day." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, everybody. Tonight's event is to benefit the Boy Scouts of America." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Again? We do that every year." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, they need our money. They don't have cookies like the Girl Scouts." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "It'd be nice to do something for people who are actually suffering." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, Oscar, if you don't like it, then you should concentrate on winning. Because the person at the end of the evening with the highest chip count will receive $500 to donate to the charity of their choice. And they will get a mini-fridge compliments of Vance Refrigeration." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So get your charities in to Pam. I, for example, am playing for Comic Relief." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That doesn't exist anymore." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Comedy is very much alive, as are homeless people." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, they stopped making that show." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, then, they need our money more than ever." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "You have to pick an approved, non-profit organization." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "There's a great soup kitchen in downtown Scranton. Delicious pea soup on Thursdays. I'll probably give the money to them." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Something with animals. Or people." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Kobe Bryant has a foundation, and he is so hot. And he gave his wife the biggest diamond ring. I know he didn't do it. ...Maybe he did it." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "We are giving money that has been gambled. Why don't we just deal drugs or prostitute ourselves, and donate that money to charity?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, and another fun thing. We, at the end of the night, are going to give the check to an actual group of Boy Scouts. Right, Toby? We're gonna..." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Actually, I didn't think it was appropriate to invite children since it's... You know, there's gambling and alcohol, and it's in our dangerous warehouse and it's a school night... And, you know, Hooters is catering. You know, is that enough? Should I keep going?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not... that way. I hate so much about the things that you choose to be. Okay, you know what? I will not donate my winnings to Comic Relief, since apparently it doesn't exist. I am going to donate to Afghanistanis with AIDS." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I think you mean the aid to Afghanistan." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I mean Afghanistanis with AIDS." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Afghani." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Afghani." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's a dog." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, that's Afghan." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's a shawl." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wait, canine AIDS?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. Humans with AIDS." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Who has AIDS?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Guys, the Afghanistananies." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, you know what? No. No. AIDS is not funny. Believe me, I have tried." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "There are certain topics that are off-limits to comedians, JFK, AIDS, the Holocaust. The Lincoln Assassination just recently became funny. \"I need to see this play like I need a hole in the head.\" [laughs] And I hope to someday live in a world where a person could tell a hilarious AIDS joke. It's one of my dreams." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, nothing." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "\"Till Death Do Us Rock.\"" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "They're wedding bands." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Roy was supposed to pick the band, but he's concentrating more on the bachelor party now." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wait, wait, where you going? I mean, even if you don't hire a band, you still have to watch the bands. Pam, these are people who have never given up on their dreams. I have great respect for that. And, yes, they're all probably very bad and that will make me feel better about not having dreams." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "There's a KISS cover band in here." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Let's do it." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm pretty happy these days. I'm getting married soon and I'm getting along with everybody at work." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Why did I talk to Jan about transferring? Well, you know... I have no future here." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I have already put down the deposit. Do you understand how a deposit works?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Mike, I am not having fire-eaters in a paper warehouse." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's Casino Night like Las Vegas. There are fire-eaters all over the place." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Except my warehouse." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, actually, it's my warehouse." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Actually, it's owned by Beakman Properties, and Dunder Mifflin is four years into a seven-year lease." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why are you here?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "When Darryl was coming, you said you wanted me here for protection." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Not. I said, not that." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "We just have a lot of stuff down there that could be stolen." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's ironic." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That you are afraid." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Why? 'Cause I'm from the hood?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dinkin' flicka." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[sighs] Dinkin' flicka." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I taught Mike some, uh, phrases to help with his interracial conversations. You know, stuff like, \"Fleece it out.\" \"Going mach five.\" \"Dinkin' flicka.\" You know, things us Negroes say." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Give me some. [Michael and Darryl perform simultaneous hand gesture]" } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Oh, yeah, I taught him a handshake, too." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Jim ejects a videotape from the VCR and puts in a new one] Wow. I don't know how you're gonna decide. They are all extremely good." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I think I should hire them all. Do like Lollapalooza." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Have three stages, yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Your mom would love that. She would. Oh, this band is called Scrantonicity." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Let's take a look. Nice." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, wait. That's Kevin. On the drums." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "On the drums! On the drums!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, my God, that's Kevin! Great song, Kev. Oh, my God, he's the drummer and the singer." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "We really don't do a lot of weddings. We actually don't play in public very often. We are all really hoping that Pam's wedding works out. This could be a turning point for the band." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow. Oh!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, my..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, you haven't seen that since 1983. That is amazing. Okay, we have to sign him. I'm gonna call the label, we're gonna..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No! No!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, Pam, you're gonna lose him to another wedding." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, come back! No, no, no!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Kev!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Jim is great. Being with him just takes away all the stress of planning my wedding." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[phone rings] Yes" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[phone rings] Michael, Carol Stills for you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Who?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Carol Stills." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do I know a Carol Stills?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Your realtor." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, yeah, put her through. Hey Carol, how goes the real estate biz? Is it real good?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's still me." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Sometimes I don't put Michael through until he's already said something. I look at it as a practice run for him. He usually does better on the second attempt." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Carol, you're on with Michael." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "[on phone] Hello, Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hi, Carol. How you doing?" }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "I'm great. I just needed one last signature for your mortgage insurance." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, hey, no problemo. Incidentally, I love the place." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "Oh, great." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Great. It has a little bit of a weird smell. It's okay. At Christmas, the tree helped." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "Oh, good, I'm glad. Can I drop it over later?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Actually, I'm sort of hosting this charity thing in our warehouse, Casino Night." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "Oh, great." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, it'll be good. You know what? Why don't you come by? Bring the papers, I'll sign them and then you can stay and have a drink." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "To the casino thing?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah. It'll be fun. What do you...[phone rings] What do you..." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, I'm sorry. Could you hold on? Yes?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael, Jan's on line two." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, put her through. [Deep voice] Jan Levinson, I presume?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's still me. Uh, Jan, here's Michael." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, Jan. How you doing?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "You know, I... I thought about it and you are right." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I could use a little fun. So, I am going to drive up for your Casino Night." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, okay." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Incidentally, what is the charity?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "AIDS." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Okay, then. I will see you tonight." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, sounds great." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Bye-bye." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Bye Hello, Carol? Hi, sorry about that. I just..." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "No problemo." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Right." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "To answer your question..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah?" }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "I'd love to go." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "I have to get a sitter, but that shouldn't be a problem." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Problem. Good." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "And I'll bring the papers, too." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good, All right. Sounds great." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "I'll see you tonight." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Bye." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "Bye." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Two queens on Casino Night. I am going to drop a deuce on everybody." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[People playing casino games as the actual Casino Night begins] Oh, my God!" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Yeah! That's great." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, hey." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, Carol." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You look great." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "Thanks. Thank you for inviting me. It looks so great in here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, well... Kiss. [Michael kisses her on the cheek, pauses and then kisses her on the other cheek] That's how we do it in the paper biz. It's European and... Yes? Ah, Dwight [Kisses cheeks]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Code name Re/Max is here. No sign of Lan Jevinson." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm Michael's wingman. I've got his back. Two dates. He's got two dates tonight. My job is to keep Jan away from Carol and vice versa. Michael said, \"We must deceive them, so as not to hurt them, and in that way, we honor them.\"" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Can I get you a drink? The food is from Hooters." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "Drink would be good." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "Oh, I steal things all the time. It's just something I do. I stopped caring a long time ago. You should see how many supplies I've taken from this place. Honestly, I love stealing things." } ], [ { "character": "Billy's Girlfriend", "line": "I'm gonna get a drink. Do you need anything?" }, { "character": "Billy", "line": "No, I'm fine. Thank's sweetheart." }, { "character": "Billy's Girlfriend", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Billy, your nurse is hot." }, { "character": "Billy", "line": "That's my girlfriend." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Your nurse became your girlfriend? Sweet." }, { "character": "Billy", "line": "She was never my nurse. I met her at Chili's. She was my waitress." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Chili's is great." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Welkommen, Bienvenue, and welcome to Monte Carlo! Dwight. I am no longer your boss. Lady Fortune is your boss." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[Under his breath] Will Lady Fortune give me a raise?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Shut it, shut it, shut it. Will Lady Fortune be your mistress? Only time will tell, my friends. Leave all your preconceived notions about casinos at the door. Old friends, new lovers, and the disabled! Welcome all! Great, okay. Shuffle up and deal. Let's get it started! Black-Eyed Crows." }, { "character": "Dealer", "line": "Okay, the game is No-Limit Texas Hold'em. Good luck, everybody. That's at least four red chips to you, sir." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All-in. [Other players fold their hands]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Bluffing is a key part of poker, which is too bad, because I'm not very good at bluffing. Did you believe me?" } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "I'll call." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What are... That's insane." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I have good cards." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, Toby, I went all-in on the first hand, so doesn't that tell you that I might have good cards, too? So don't be stupid. Just take it back." }, { "character": "Dealer", "line": "No, I'm sorry. He can't, sir. He's gone all-in." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, all right, whatever." }, { "character": "Dealer", "line": "Flip them." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You really screwed that up. [Michael leaves]" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Wow." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "I don't really play cards, but I'm not gonna lie to you. It felt really good to take money from Michael. Gonna chase that feeling." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I expect to do very well tonight. I have an acute ability to read people. Jim, for instance, has a huge tell. When he gets a good hand, he coughs." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[coughs] I will raise. [Dwight sighs and folds his cards] Thanks." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "It's the weirdest thing. Every time I cough, he folds." } ], [ { "character": "Carol", "line": "Wow, bad luck." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, whatever. Hey, you know what? If luck weren't involved, I would always be winning. [Sees Jan] Oh, my God. Oh, my God." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jan." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Look, okay, I think we're all adults here, and it has always been my understanding that we have an open relationship." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "What are you... Just... Wait, what're you talking about?" }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "What does that mean?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "After you said you weren't coming, I invited Carol to come and I don't think that I did anything wrong." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "No. No, you didn't. Hi, I'm Jan. I'm Michael's boss." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "Hi, hi." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Does anyone want a drink?" }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "No, I'm good." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Okay. [Carol stares at Michael]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey, hey." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey. What..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jan's here." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Give me the dice." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Come on, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Let's go." }, { "character": "Billy", "line": "It's all on you, baby. Let's go." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Good evening, Dwight. What is this?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Evening, Angela. This is craps. I need to roll an eight. If I do, everyone wins." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Then roll an eight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thank you, Angela." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Good luck, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah! Yeah! [Kisses Angela, she slaps him and walks away smiling]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Dwight, let's keep it going. Let's keep it going. Let's go." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Let it ride. Let it all ride." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Give me the dice!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, right." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "\"Yeah, right,\" what?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What was this? [Makes face]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[Laughs] I have good cards." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Mhmm, And I'm gonna take you all-in." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow. I think you're bluffing." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah, I think she's full of it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Straight." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh. Three nines." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Pam. Jim Halpert, ladies and gentlemen." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thank you very much. It was fun." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "Cosmopolitan, please." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "Can I get a red wine? So, two hours? That's a long drive." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Well, it's part of the job, you know? Keep an eye on things. So... Why not? So, how long have you and Michael been..." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "Oh, well, actually, I guess this would be our first date. I guess." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Casino Night in the warehouse. Good sport." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "Well, I'm having a nice time." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Oh, me too. Me too." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "One beer and one Seven and Seven with eight maraschino cherries, sugar on the rim, blended if you can." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "So, that's still going on, huh? You and Kelly?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right!" }, { "character": "Dealer", "line": "The point is four. Shooter, roll it. Four!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Come on, shooter!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Four! [Holds dice in front of Carol] Blow. Blow for luck! Yeah! Also, you. Not playing favorites. [Holds dice in front of Jan] All right, here we go!" }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah!" }, { "character": "Dealer", "line": "Five." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So close. So close." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Come on. [Turns to Jan] So where you staying? Radisson?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Super 8?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "No, I..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Motel 6? Best Western?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I didn't... I don't know..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Holiday Inn? The Hyatt in Wilkes-Barre? You staying with Michael?" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I won the 2002 $2,500 No-Limit Deuce-to-Seven-Draw Tournament at the World Series of Poker in Vegas. So, yeah... I'm pretty good at poker." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "All-in." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Okay, let's do it." }, { "character": "Bob Vance", "line": "Good Luck, honey." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh, thank you, Bobby. But it doesn't matter, it's just fun to play." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Three queens." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Nice, very nice." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I have an ace." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "No, that's a flush." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, man!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh, I have a flush!" }, { "character": "Bob", "line": "Yes!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Look, I won! Look I have all the clovers! You wanna play again?" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I suck." } ], [ { "character": "Roy", "line": "She took you down, huh?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I do not want to talk about it." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Hey, I saw your tape. Your band, Scrantonicity? You guys rock." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah?" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Yeah, you guys wanna play our wedding?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Awesome. Did Pam say it was okay?" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Whatever. I'm in charge of the music." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Dude, you will not be sorry." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Sweet. All right." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "All right." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "Smoke?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, thanks. You having fun?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Fabulous time. I drove two and a half hours to get here." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, we all really..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Left work early, drove down here. And I am completely underdressed" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, I think you look great." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Why did I hook up with Michael?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, why did you?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "It was very late, Jim. Very... Very late and... Have you given any more thought to the transfer?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, yeah." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Good. Have you told anyone?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Well, you should." } ], [ { "character": "Bob", "line": "Excuse me. Big moment. The evening's chip leader and winner of this beautiful mini-refrigerator courtesy of Vance Refrigeration, Creed Bratton, Dunder Mifflin!" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Thanks. I never owned a refrigerator." } ], [ { "character": "Roy", "line": "Sorry, babe. I am just beat." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's okay. I'll see you at home." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Okay. Hey, don't try to lose too much money, all right?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "If you still want a honeymoon. Hey, Halpert. Keep an eye on her, all right?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, will do." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "See you." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Bye! Hey." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, how's it going?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Good, especially after I took all your money in poker." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah. Hey, can I talk to you about something?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "About when you want to give me more of your money?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, I..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Did you wanna do that now? We can go inside. I'm feeling kind of good tonight." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I was just... I'm in love with you." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm really sorry if that's weird for you to hear, but I needed you to hear it. Probably not good timing, I know that. I just..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What are you doing? What do you expect me to say to that?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I just needed you to know. Once." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, I um... I... I can't." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You have no idea..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Don't do that." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "...what your friendship means to me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Come on. I don't wanna do that. I wanna be more than that." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I can't. I'm really sorry if you misinterpreted things. It's probably my fault." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Not your fault. I'm sorry I misinterpreted our friendship." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "Hey. I'm leaving." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, okay." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "So, I just wanted to congratulate you on a fantastic evening. You did the company proud." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "And thanks for inviting me. You were right, I needed it. So, thanks." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. Thanks for coming." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Nice to meet you." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "You, too." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "And you guys have a good time together." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. Talk to you Monday." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "Goodbye." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good night. She's a good boss." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "She seems really nice." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, she's great." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Love triangle. Drama. All worked out in the end, though. The hero got the girl. Who saw that coming? I did. And Jan was really happy for me. So actually the hero got two girls. He got the girl that he works with and he got the girl that he buys real estate from. So, I've got my New York girl and my local flavor. Life is good." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[On phone] About 10 minutes ago. No, I didn't know what to say. Yes, I know. Um, I don't know, mom, he's my best friend. Yeah, he's great. Yeah, I think I am. [Jim enters] I have to go. I will. Listen, Jim... [They kiss]" } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Everybody, in the conference room now, please. Thank you. Time is money." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Do you need anything?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Should I get water or donuts?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Come on, let's go. Take a seat." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What's going on, Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I want somebody to give me the name of one of our biggest competitors." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Office Depot!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good. Yes, that will work. All right. Now I need a plural noun. [All groaning]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Apparently Michael has come up with a Dunder Mifflin Mad Lib, and he's making us play it with him. We are so happy. No. I'd like to choose a different adjective." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "How about a location?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The planet Caprica." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Where the hell is that?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's from Battlestar Galactica." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, all right." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I am going back to my desk..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, no. No, no, not until you give me an adjective." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Annoying." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We already have that. So..." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Frustrating." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, Toby, damn it, come on! We already have that. I need something fun. Something like fat or smelly. Or pukey. Pukey. Pukey's good. Okay. Pukey. Now I need a noun." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Ass." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good. Thank you, Phyllis. That wasn't so hard. All right, here we go. \"Office Depot is an annoying store. One day Creed went there to buy paper. And he ran into irritating Cylons.\"" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, get them, Creed!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "\"One of them was named Michael Scott, and he was an...\" Oh, damn it. Okay. Okay, okay, we're... Okay, we're starting over." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "My charity is the Farm Defense Fund. It's one of the best organizations that fights infestation of the beet armyworm." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "My charity is the Lackawanna County Volunteer Sheriff's Department, because Dwight's a Volunteer Sheriff. So I thought this was a perfect opportunity to support/mock him." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I don't believe that Jim moved that coat rack. But if he did, he has an obligation to use his gift wisely. With great power comes great responsibility. They could do a cross-section of his brain to find out more. But I don't think it's true, though." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Look, if anything goes missing, we will reimburse." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yeah. Can Dunder Mifflin afford that?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dang! Paper making paper, I.e. money." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Paper money. [clears throat] Yeah. The company's doing fine." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Mike, we're not shipping as much as we did last year." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey. Okay. You know what? Don't even think. I command you to just go down and have fun tonight. All right? Don't think about it." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Our numbers are down, yes, but we have a heck of a crew here in Scranton. Hardworking, motivated, dynamic. Every single last one of them. They follow my lead. I sort of set the tone. And it doesn't hurt that my ex works for corporate. Jan loves this branch, and I think that's really more than half the battle." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "It is extremely stressful, planning a wedding by yourself. It's like a job. I mean, it's fun, but it kind of becomes like work. I've already planned it all out in my head. But it's just in my head." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith's Vet", "line": "Hey. Meredith, right?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Oh, God. Oh, no. I have this problem all the time. I never remember people I've had sex with." }, { "character": "Meredith's Vet", "line": "I'm your vet." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Oh, right." }, { "character": "Meredith's Vet", "line": "And we had sex in the parking lot." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah, I'm not a temp anymore. I got Jim's uh, old job. Which means at my 10 year high school reunion it will not say \"Ryan Howard is a temp.\" It will say \"Ryan Howard is a junior sales associate at a mid-range paper supply firm. ...that'll show 'em." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[after \"the kiss\"] You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Me too. ...I think we're just drunk." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No I'm not drunk. Are you drunk?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No... [Jim leans in for another kiss] Jim---" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Are you really gonna marry him? [Pam nods] ...Ok." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[sobbing] Jim is gone. He's gone. I miss him so much. Ooooh I cry myself to sleep, Jim! [serious] False. I do not miss him." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "No! That is the fun of this place. I call everybody \"faggie\". Why would anybody find that offensive?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "OK I think Oscar would just like if you used \"lame\" or something like that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's what faggie means!" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "No not really..." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Apparently you called Oscar \"faggie\" for liking the movie Shakespeare in Love more than an action movie." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It wasn't just an action movie, it was Die Hard!" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "All right Michael, but Oscar's really gay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Exactly!" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I mean for real." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, I know." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "No, I mean he's attracted to other men." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK, a little too far, crossed the line." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "OK, I am telling you, Oscar is an actual homosexual. Yeah, he told me this morning. And, obviously he hopes he can count on your discretion." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I would have never called him that if I knew. You don't... You don't call retarded people \"retards\". It's bad taste. You call your friends \"retards\" when they're acting retarded. And I consider Oscar a friend." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Listen man, I am so sorry. I had no idea." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "No, it's fine." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. No it's not. I feel terrible about it. I have been calling people \"faggie\" since I was in junior high, and I have never made this mistake. If I don't know how to behave, it is because I am just so far the opposite way, you know? I'm just... I, I can't even imagine... the... thing. Maybe we could go out for a beer sometime. And you could tell me... how... you do that to another dude." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "That sounds like a great, wonderful idea, let's do that." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "[in reference to Oscar being gay] It explains so much." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "No, I'm not gay. And I don't understand why anyone would think, that I'm gay... if... [sighs] Uh... yeah I'm gay." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I can't say whether Dunder Mifflin paper is less flammable, sir, but I can assure that it is certainly not more flammable." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Why did I transfer to Stamford? I think that's pretty obvious. I got promoted! And you can't beat that view... right?" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey, Big Tuna! You're single right?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh-huh, yeah. I am." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "She's pretty hot huh? [Jim nods] She's completely crazy. Steer clear Big Tuna. Head for open waters." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "OooOK." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "OooOK." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I ate a tuna sandwich, on my first day. So, Andy started calling me Big Tuna. ...I don't think any of them actually know my real name." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Big Tuna is a super ambitious guy, you know? Cut your throat to get ahead kind of guy, but I mean I'm not threatened by him. I went to Cornell, you ever heard of it? [laughs] I graduated in four years. I never studied once. I was drunk the whole time, and I sang in the acappella group, \"Here Comes Treble.\"" } ], [ { "character": "Josh", "line": "So, end of day we are going to have a little diversity policy refresher, because of some more problems at the Scranton branch. And I have a list of business startups I got from the chamber. Yes, I am going to need someone to cold call them." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, I can do that." } ], [ { "character": "Karen", "line": "Jim's nice enough. I dont... I don't know how well he's fitting in here. He's always looking at the camera like this. [makes classic \"Jim\"-camera face] What is that?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Can you tell who's gay and who's not?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Of course." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What about Oscar?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Absolutely not." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, he is." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, he's not dressed in women's clothes, so..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[deep sigh] There could be others... I need to know. I don't want to offend anybody else." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You could assume everyone is, and not say anything offensive." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, I'm sure everyone would appreciate me treating them like they were gay." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, what about Angela? She's hard and severe. She could be a gay woman." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I really don't think so." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't know, I can imagine her with another woman, can't you?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[creepy smile]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do some research. Find out if there's a way to tell by just looking at them." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jim told me you could buy gay-dar online." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's ridiculous." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah probably. He didn't tell the truth a lot." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[sighs] Let's call him and get the website." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Definitely." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "What's gay-dar? Oh, oh, gay-dar, yes! No, uh, I think they have it at Sharper Image. Oh, you know what? I could check for you. No problem. [loudly fake typing] It's sold out! Yeah sorry about that, that's a bummer." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, they're sold out." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Damn. [thinks] I'll try Brookstone." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I miss that." } ], [ { "character": "Roy", "line": "Chicken or fish?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[loud sigh] Chicken." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "So you havin' a good day?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Excellent, thanks." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Good, glad. OK." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, I didn't go through with the wedding. I got cold feet, a few days before. And I can't really explain it. I just had to get out of that relationship. We still had to pay for all the food. So we froze it. But I'm, I'm doing well. I have my own apartment. I'm taking art classes. And I have lunch for the next five weeks." } ], [ { "character": "Roy", "line": "After Pam dumped me, I um, I kinda stopped taking care of myself there, and uh, I hit bottom when uh, drunk driving arrest. I've been working out and um, you know, I'm not gonna take her for granted. I gotta win her back." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I got them a toaster. They called off the wedding and gave the toaster back to me. I tried to return the toaster to the store, and they said they no longer sold that kind of toaster. So now my house has got two toasters." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "That is so cool that you're gay. I totally underestimated you." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Yes I'm super cool. I am an accountant at a failing paper supply company, Scranton. Much like, um, sir Ian McClellan." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Sure, sometimes I watch Will and Grace... and I want to throw up. It's terribly loud. I do like it sometimes when Harry Connick Jr. is on. He's so talented." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "OK. Who put my calculator in Jello? Good one. But uh, seriously, guys who did this? Seriously guys, who did this? I need to know who put my calculator in Jello, or I'm gonna lose MY FRICKIN' MIND!" } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "You know, it's amazing to me that in this day and age, you could be so obtuse about sexual orientation." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I watch the L Word. I watch, Queer as F***, so..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "That's not what it's called." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "OK, Michael, are you aware that you ousted Oscar today?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What? What does that even..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Coming out, is a significant moment for a gay person, and they should be allowed to select the timing and manner of announcing it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, gay pride, right? Gay pride parade? It's not like gay... shame festival." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "All right, now Oscar's feeling discriminated against by his co-workers, primarily Angela, and um, that's your fault." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I think Angela might be gay. Could Oscar and Angela be having a gay affair? Maybe! Is that what this is about?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "NO!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't kn--" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "No, it's not possible." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Anything's possible." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "You know, imagine... you were gay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[laughs] Well, I'm not gay Jan, and you should know that better than anybody!" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Michael, your immaturity is extremely disappointing and may even lead to a lawsuit which is the absolute last thing this company needs right now. Do you understand?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "The company has made it my responsibility today to put an end to 100,000 years of being weirded out by gays." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Am I the first gay man you ever knew?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Trick question! Cause you can't always tell, so... how would I know. Is that the right answer?" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael, Dwight's looking at gay pornography on his computer." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Uh, Michael knows Pam. He asked me to do this just for him. He has his own reasons." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[looking at gay porn] Nothing wrong with this stuff. At all. This is fine. You know what. Gay porn, straight porn, it's all goooooood! I don't particularly get into this. But uh, you know what. I totally see the merit! And actually... it is quite beautiful." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ah damn pop-ups." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What are you doing?!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Watching some of your friends." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[yelling] All right, everybody in the conference room! I don't care if you are gay, or straight, or a lesbian, or overweight! JUST GET IN HERE! RIGHT NOW!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Did you know that gay used to mean happy? When I was growing up it meant lame. And now it means a man, who makes love... to other men." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "We're all homos! Homosapiens. Gays aren't necessarily who you think they are, people. I mean anybody could be gay. Business-men. Like antique dealers, or hairdressers, or... accountants. Oscar, why don't you take this opportunity to officially come out, to everybody here. However you want to do it. Go ahead. Stand up. I'm doing this for you." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Yes I'm gay. And I didn't plan on sharing that part of my life with you today, so, whatever. Can I sit down now?" } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": ": I'm not offended by homosexuality. In the sixties I made love to many many women, often outdoors, in the mud and the rain. And it was possible a man slipped in, and there would be no way of knowing." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Who should be the judges and juries of our society?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Judges and juries!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, that's a good point. She has a good point. Because gay marriage currently is not legal, under U.S. law. I bet a lot of straight men wish that applied to them. So they could go out there and have some torrid unabashed monkey sex as much as they could. You know? Sounds pretty good, right?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": ": That sounds great." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I think all the other office gays should identify themselves, or I will do it for them." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "No one else in this office is gay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What about Phyllis? She makes absolutely no attempt to be feminine!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I'm getting married to Bob Vance." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's great. Congratulations Phyllis. That is great, and frankly kiiiiiiiind of amazing! [laughs] See? Everybody has a chance!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "But still, Phyllis, in college? Did you ever experiment with other women? A lot of women do!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "No, you knew me in high school. Course, we all thought you were gay in high school." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[laughing] Right! [serious] And I take that as a compliment." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Well with your ties and your matching socks and ---" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, I just like to look good OK, so ---" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You sound pretty defensive Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I am just coming out myself. I am coming out hetero!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I think the problem with this office is that you are sending mixed signals about my being here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No no no. The only signal that I am sending is: Gay, good." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Look, if I was gay, I would be the most flamboyant gay you have ever seen. I would be leading the parade covered in feathers, and just... I would be waving that rainbow flag." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I don't think I can work here any longer. This has been the worst, most backwards day of my life." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You misunderstand-- OK. You know what, OK. I uh, I'm gonna put my money where my mouth is. You ready? I am going to embrace Oscar. You might want to watch this Angela, because you can't catch anything. Here we go. We are going to make a statement. You and I are going to make a statement together. Oscar is my friend ---" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I would rather not." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "...and I just don't care who sees it, doesn't bother me!" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "No, NO! I don't want to touch you, ever consider that? You're ignorant, and insulting, and small!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right, um... sorry." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Michael... I'm sorry. That was a good idea. Come on, come on. [Oscar and Michael hug]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[sobbing] I'm sorry I called you faggie. You're not faggie. You're a a good guy." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael appears to be gay too. And yet he is my friend. I guess I do have a gay friend." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[embracing Oscar]You know what, I'm going to raise the stakes. I want you to watch this. And I want you to burn this into your brains. Because this is an image that I want you people to remember for a long time to come. Whenever you come into the office I want you to think about this. [awkwardly kissing Oscar] I did it. See. I'm still here. We're all still here. [everyone claps]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Dwight gets up to kiss Oscar] Oh come on! Dwight! Come on, man!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "We are not in the playground anymore. There are new rules. We have to be mature. But we can't lose the spirit of child like wonder. What is love... anyway? Maybe it's supposed to break all the rules. Like me and Jan. Or Oscar... and some guy. Life is short. When two people find each other, what should stand in their way?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am glad that today spurred social change. That's part of my job as regional manager. But you know what? Even if it didn't, at least we put this matter to bed. ...that's what she said. Or he said." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, there's Gill. Oscar's roommate. I wonder if he knows?" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I was going to quit. But Jan offered me a three month paid vacation and a company car. All I had to do was sign something saying I won't sue. Gill and I are going to Europe. Kids, sometimes it pays to be gay." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[reading the note with the gay-dar] \"Hope this helps. -Jim\" Nice!" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[Dwight is running the gay-dar over Oscar's body] What are you doing?!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Shhh. Don't be scared. [gay-dar beeps over Oscar's belt buckle, Dwight smiles] It works. [gay-dar goes off next to Dwight's belt buckle] ...oh no." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "[on speakerphone] Okay, what is your goal for after lunch?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I will do my job to the best of my abilities." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "[under breath] Heaven help us. [aloud] Specifically." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I will do my regional manager job to the best of my capability." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Specifically, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Specifically, Jan, I will make at least ten phone calls to clients." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, I have to begin every day by letting Jan know what I intend to accomplish, and then I have to call her at the end of the day to tell her what I did accomplish. But it's not mandatory. It's something that I... wanted to do... and so it's voluntary, really. Even though she... makes me. I think she just wants to hear my voice. Because we're no longer lovers, and she's just hurting. But things are going well with Carol. I've seen her seven times in the last few months, and I'm growing very fond of her kids. Tommy, who I call Tomas, and the little girl..." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "[on speakerphone] Are you on the toilet, Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[quietly] No." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Well, I know sometimes you are and... that you wouldn't tell me, so I'm just going to assume that you are, and call me back when you're finished." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. [Jan hangs up. Toby opens the office door.]" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[sigh]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hi, honey. You holding up?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yup." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm... painting my new apartment tonight." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, good. By yourself?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Aw. Well, hang in there, okay? You know what? You should get one of this big body pillows. That way you wouldn't miss you-know-who so much." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thanks." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Roy." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Right." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "What do I think? I think everybody should stay out of everybody's personal business!" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Yes, I'm gay." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "[shocked expression]" } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Why are all the best-looking single men always gay?" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey, Big Tuna. You ever Google Google? What do you think would happen?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Let's find out. [starts typing]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[makes frustrated noises]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh! Lots of results." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I didn't mean you should do it. You were supposed to ponder it. It's... You removed the fun. Thanks a lot, Big Tuna." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Did you see Oprah yesterday?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, I didn't." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I, uh... I am going to be a father." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What was Oprah about?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Angelina Jolie was on. And she adopted a baby from Asia, and she said that it changed her life. And that really inspired me. So, I want you to look into seeing how much a little Chinese baby would cost." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That's a really big decision." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Maybe you should wait before you adopt." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Or not adopt." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just do it, okay?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Roy's sister looked into it, and the application alone costs a thousand dollars." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um... find out if there's a cheaper, less expensive baby out there, okay?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You know, she also said the waiting list is like eight months." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Eight months?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't even know if I'll want a baby in eight months." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You probably won't." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what, Pam? If in ten years, I haven't had a baby, and you haven't had a baby..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Twenty years." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thirty." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Sure." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's a deal." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "All right. Three pairs of pants. Three pairs of socks. Three packs of condoms." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yesh." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Uh, fun jeans." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Right there. Ah." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Sign." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Per diem." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Guess where I am going. I will give you a hint. It is a booze-fueled sex romp, where anything goes. You are correct, sir! I am headed to Philadelphia for the Annual Northeastern Mid-Market Office Supply Convention. And Jim Halpert is going to be coming, which will be fun. Poor little guy. He's been stuck working under Josh, the poor man's Michael Scott, as he is known around my condo." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Don't be mad, it is a business trip." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "But I don't understand. It's for managers." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Monkey, I am an A. R. M., Assistant Regional Manager." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I know! It... I was just really hoping we could spend some time together. [A long silence.] Are you still there?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes, Monkey." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Don't \"Monkey\" me! You can't wait to get out of here, A. R. M." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "In the Martin family, we like to say, \"Looks like someone took the slow train from Philly.\" That's code for \"check out the slut.\" What is... why are there flies in here?" } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh my God! Are you so excited for tonight? I am so excited. You guys are going to click, I can feel it. So what are you wearing?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "This." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "You look so pretty." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thank you." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes, I have a date. He's a cartoonist for the local paper, which is really neat, because I like to draw too. I'm kind of nervous. I haven't been on a first date in nine years... probably shouldn't broadcast that." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Well, remember, no matter how much you may want to, do not sleep with him on the first date. It gives him all the power." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sleep with who? Whom, whom... whom?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "My neighbor Alan. They're going on a date tonight." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, wow! Oh my God, I have a great idea. You know what you should do to be hilarious? Wear your wedding dress. It would be a great icebreaker." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And your veil." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, do it!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'll probably just wear this." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really? Okay. Well, word of advice: unbutton that top button. Let those things breathe. Any message you want me to relate to Jim?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Um..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um. Okay, um." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Um." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You got that?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I got it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Write it down." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I got it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Um." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um." }, { "character": "Dwight & Michael", "line": "[singing] Um, um, um..." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "There's my girl. I noticed you handing out some shekels. How would one get on that train?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "That was for per diem, for Philadelphia." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "That town smells like cheese steaks." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "That town is full of history!" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Andrea's the office bitch. You'll get used to her. [introducing himself] Creed." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Can I have my neck pillow back? Michael! Can I have my neck pillow back?" } ], [ { "character": "Josh", "line": "Hey, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, Josh, how ya doing?" }, { "character": "Josh", "line": "Pretty good." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good to see you. There he is! There's the traitor! Traitor! Traitor! Come here, you. Come here! Yeah! The product... the progidal... my son returns." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I was shocked when he told me he was transferring to Stamford. It's like the firemen. You don't leave your brothers behind, even if you find out that there is a better fire in Connecticut." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "It's really good to see you, man." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah! Wow, I didn't expect that. It's good to see you too!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, hey, how's it going up there? Have you made any sales yet?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, sold about forty thousand." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Shut up. That's impossible." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, it's not. I did. Yep." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, I did it too." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know, when I saw Dwight, I realized how stupid and petty all those pranks I pulled on him were. And then he spoke. I wonder how hard it would be to get a copy of his room key." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "So did you hear?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Pam's back on the market again." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Really? She's dating?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "If I weren't engaged, I would so hit that." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So what kind of commissions you get up there?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, Dwight. I've missed you so much." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You're so immature!" } ], [ { "character": "Josh", "line": "Listen, Michael, I heard you were a great salesman." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ah." }, { "character": "Josh", "line": "And I just want to let you know that if our branch absorbs your branch, I'm going to look for a place for you at Stamford." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Oh, hey!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey, Jan." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "We all checked in?" }, { "character": "Josh", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Great, let's dump our stuff and meet back here in half an hour." }, { "character": "Josh", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Okay!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jan? Look, I think we need to set some ground rules." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "What are you talking about?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "The eight-hundred pound gorilla in the room. Carol. I'm still dating her, so nothing can happen between us at the convention." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Step away from me, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you for being so brave with all of this. Thank you." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Alan's cartoon is so funny, right?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Mm-hmm." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "And they're, like, so smart. I don't even know what they mean half the time." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "This party is going to be awesome." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know! That is specifically why I chose a room close to the elevator. More foot traffic." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Check it out." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That is crooked on that side." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wow." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey hey!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That is a lot of liquor." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And a dart board." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, that's how we do it in Scranton. Or did you forget? There ain't no party like a Scranton party, 'cause a Scranton party don't stop." }, { "character": "Josh", "line": "We should probably head on down and hook up with Jan." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, well, we have time! One for the road, gentlemen?" }, { "character": "Josh", "line": "A shot of MIDORI, perhaps." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, no, sorry, it's an inside joke. There's this bartender at Stamford who, uh... you know what? You'd just have to be there." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wish I was. I love inside jokes. I'd love to be a part of one someday." }, { "character": "Josh", "line": "Um, we should..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right, see you guys down there. Change your mind, come back up." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'll do a shot, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ugh, that would be gross. It's not even lunch yet." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "SWAG! Stuff we all get. I basically decorated my condo for free with all of my SWAG." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Check it out. Hi, I'm Michael Scott, Dunder-Mifflin." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager, Dunder-Mifflin." }, { "character": "Jerome Bettis", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm a huge fan." }, { "character": "Jerome Bettis", "line": "Thanks. I appreciate it, guys." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what? I'm having a huge blowout tonight, Room 308. Hope you can come." }, { "character": "Jerome Bettis", "line": "All right, maybe. If I can." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, cool! Okay, so... can I tell people you're gonna be there?" }, { "character": "Jerome Bettis", "line": "No, you cannot." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So maybe. See ya." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Why do they call him The Bus?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Because he's afraid to fly." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Smile!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do you remember me from last year? There's a party in my room, 308, can't miss it, right off the elevator. Tonight. Be there!" } ], [ { "character": "Josh", "line": "All right, Jan just emailed me. She wants us to meet her up front." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yep. Yeah, she's up front." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You don't have email on your phone." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't have to, I just know. Yes, hello?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No one just called you." }, { "character": "Josh", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right, nice meeting you, Ted. Take care." }, { "character": "Ted", "line": "I'll see you soon." }, { "character": "Josh", "line": "Yeah, stop by later." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[into phone] See you in a bit. Bye-bye. [to Dwight] May I have a moment of your time please?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I need you to do something for me." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes. Anything." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I want you to dig up some dirt on Josh. Find out if there are any skeletons in his attic." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'll talk to my buddy down at the station, stat." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Hey, Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey! What's up?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "It's, uh... I was... might ask if you wanted..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[answering phone] Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam. He's not in the office. Can I take a message? I will. You too. [hangs up] Sorry. What's up?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Um, if, uh... um... I just completely forgot what I was going to say. It's so weird." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay. Well, if you think of it, I'll be here." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So I called my buddy down at the station today. Had them run a background check on Josh Porter. See if there's any known aliases, et cetera." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "He wasn't volunteering today." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Business has been pretty crazy around the office." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh yeah?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah. Moved Ryan over to your desk." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, tell him I say hi." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I will call him later with that message." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, how is... Toby?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Toby Flenderson is everything that is wrong with the paper industry. Is he why you left?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, no, it was... you know, a good opportunity for me, a promotion. I got a chance to..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Opportunity, promotion, blah, blah. You know, Jim, those are just words. Have you taken into account other factors, vis-a-vis bosses? Is Josh funnier than I am? Does he even have a girlfriend? Because I have two, basically." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Michael, it's really not a competition." } ], [ { "character": "Josh", "line": "Jim got us a great lead with a new rep from National Envelope. We can grab lunch with them tomorrow." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Great!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, Jan, Jan? Don't worry, I have got the tip." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Whoa. Michael." }, { "character": "Waiter", "line": "Wow, oh my God, thank you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're welcome." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Was that your per diem?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, that was a different hundred dollar bill." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "What have you generated, Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I have generated a lot of interest in my party this evening." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "What party?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "The party I'm having tonight in 308. Obviously, you are invited." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Michael, um... Jim and Josh are in meetings all day. And I am in and out of meetings. I can't stay on top of you 24/7." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "You should order the most expensive thing on the menu, so he knows you're worth it." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "If you do that, you're going to have to put out." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh, yeah. You'll have to put out." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Is there a key for Jane Doe? Thank you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Any messages for 308? All right." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey hey, fellers." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Michael." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What's up?" }, { "character": "Josh", "line": "Well, Jim and I have a meeting with Uni-ball in about forty-five minutes, so we should probably go now." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, check this out. How about that? A little friendly competition. Stamford versus Scranton." }, { "character": "Josh", "line": "I don't think so." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, Jim. Looks like you picked a bad time to defect, my friend." }, { "character": "Josh", "line": "Fine! All right." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay! Excellent. Oh..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Keep the wing flaps." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Shut it. [answering phone] Hey, Pam, what's up? Yep, yech... no. Tell him I will give him general specifics tomorrow, okay? Yes. [to others] Say hi to Pam!" }, { "character": "Jim & Josh & Dwight", "line": "Hi, Pam." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes. That is Josh and Dwight and Jim. [to others] Pam says hi. [into phone] Have fun on your date! Very good, talk to you later. Bye." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "You first." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Come on. Nice try, Josh!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Not. It hit the rim. Okay, and... okay. Double or nothing." }, { "character": "Josh", "line": "Or what? We didn't bet anything, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, let's..." }, { "character": "Josh", "line": "Yeah, we should go." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Come on!" }, { "character": "Josh", "line": "We gotta go." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Come on!" }, { "character": "Josh", "line": "Uh... we'll do it later." }, { "character": "Evan", "line": "Say, while I have you here, could I talk to you about some new and exciting advances to our product line?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Fine." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jim and I have different definitions of friendship. I think it's talking and being friends, and Jim thinks it's moving to Connecticut and being best friends with Josh. Well, phooey on that. I, uh, I'm done. I am not going to be speaking with him anymore. Whatevs. Long-distance relationships never work." }, { "character": "Evan", "line": "That is so true. Ready?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, let me tell you what we're looking for." }, { "character": "Evan", "line": "Great." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sorry, my meeting ran late." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, Jan, really. With a rep from HammerMill." }, { "character": "Josh", "line": "They're exclusive with Staples." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Used to be. Evan will call you in the morning to work out the details. We can now sell HammerMill products." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes! Ha!" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Well, Michael, I underestimated you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, well, maybe next time you will estimate me." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dwight's room key. And... Dwight's room. What can I say? Old habits die hard." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "D?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh my God. Dwight got a hooker! Oh my God, I gotta call... well, I gotta call somebody, I don't even know who to call. Dwight got a hooker!" } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "So, Alan, Pam is obsessed with your cartoons. She reads them every day." }, { "character": "Alan", "line": "Oh, great." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I don't want ketchup." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "You love ketchup! He loves ketchup." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "So how do you come up with your cartoons?" }, { "character": "Alan", "line": "Well, I just, uh... I kinda think about stuff that I see, or dream them." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You dream in cartoons? How fun!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, first guest! You are going to have some tequila, my friend." }, { "character": "Guy", "line": "I thought there was a party in here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "This is the party." }, { "character": "Guy", "line": "This is room 308?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Party central! So, what can I do you for? [Guy leaves] All right." } ], [ { "character": "Alan", "line": "See, this one is great, because it can work on a couple of different levels." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Huh." }, { "character": "Alan", "line": "[French accent] Freedom fries for the table." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Freedom fries. Yeah." }, { "character": "Alan", "line": "Yeah. I mean, people always say, like, \"Don't be edgy.\" But I don't know any other way. Yeah, you get it." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, it was, uh, it was really nice meeting you, Alan." }, { "character": "Alan", "line": "Yeah. Next time bring some of your illustrations, I'll let you pick my brain." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "More freedom fries." }, { "character": "Alan", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That's great." }, { "character": "Alan", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I went on a date. It wasn't a love connection, um... I think when I like someone again, I'll just kinda know." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Michael. Am I the first to arrive?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "People have been filtering in and out." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Can I get a drink?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Can I get a drink?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sure. You like Cosmos?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sure, sounds good. So why are you here? Is Josh busy?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Michael..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I get it! No, no, I totally get it. He made a better paper airplane, Stamford is better in sales... I get it. We had some fun. We had some laughs. And that's just..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wait, wait. I didn't transfer because of you. You're a good boss. You're a great boss." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm not better than Josh." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Michael, it's not about... I transferred because of Pam." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh my God. You don't even know. She's single now." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, I just... I heard something about that. It's just, I kind of put it all on the line. Twice, actually. And she said no. Twice." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm sorry, man. I'm sorry. Hey, you know what? I will talk to her." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nope, that's okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's all right." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I will. I'll talk to her. You should at least talk to Roy. I mean, he knows exactly how you're feeling." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah. Okay, maybe." }, { "character": "Evan", "line": "Are we early?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey! No, you know, people have been filtering in and out." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Evan, this is Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "How are you?" }, { "character": "Evan", "line": "Hey, uh... Arnie Reisman. Michael, Jim." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, Ernie, how ya doing?" }, { "character": "Evan", "line": "Do you guys work together?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, we used to. Now we're friends." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Best friends." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Some people need dozens of friends to say, \"Hey, look at me, I'm popular.\" But not me. I'm very picky. I need three, maybe two. When you meet that someone special, you'll just know. Because a real relationship, it... it can't be forced. It should just come about effortlessly." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Now, would you do the pleasure of hitting the lights, sir? [lights go out, leaving Michael's black light on] Ha, ha, ha." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ha, ha, ha, ha." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Whoa. What are those stains?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Blood, urine, or semen." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, God, I hope it's urine." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Today I'm headed to Philadelphia for the annual Northeastern Office Supply Convention. [makes horns gesture and heavy metal scream] Wooo-yaaaaah! Oh, these things tend to be kind of crazy." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Angela enters Michael's office] Ah." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Sign." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Per-diem. [singing as he signs] Perrrr-diiiiieeeemmmm! [shows off $100 bill to Ryan] You know, Ryan, it's all about the Benjamins." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[reading checklist] Fun jeans." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[points to door] Right there." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Fourth quarter projections for Jan?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes. What? Oh, yeah, have Pam give those to me." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Will do." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sure you don't want to come?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Gonna be fun! Change your mind we can get you a cot." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[shakes his head]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "A couple of years ago, I went to one in Hartford. \"Connecticut.\" And Todd Packer and I went to this bar and met a girl. And [laugh] Packer decides to make out with her. Turns out that her boyfriend is the bouncer at the bar. [laugh] I love this. The bouncer chases us out to Packer's Vette, jump in the Vette, he peels out, and I [laugh] I don't make it to the car. [turns serious] Um, and the other bouncers caught up with me and really did a number on me... It was in the paper... [brightens] But to answer your question, yeah, I'm really excited about this weekend." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "See that factory?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Mm-hm." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I almost worked there." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yup. Yeah, I applied for a job there." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What would you have done? Been manager?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I was going to be a bottle capper." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You? A bottle capper?! [laughs in disbelief]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know, I know. Crazy world. Crazy, crazy world." } ], [ { "character": "Josh", "line": "Yes, I'm aware of Jan and Michael's... history. Um, I don't really like to talk about it 'cause it's unprofessional. Kind of gross." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Josh reminds me of a guy I went to high school with. Big football star, girls loved him. Whatever. Guess what he's doing now. He's a TV announcer for the Eagles. Up in the... [laughs] He doesn't even get to play in the game, I mean." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So, you ever been convicted of a felony?" }, { "character": "Josh", "line": "What? Uh, no. [to Jim] Uh, I want you to make sure you call Karen and get her to fax that vendor list over." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Misdemeanor?" }, { "character": "Josh", "line": "Um... When I was in the Coast Guard, a couple of us broke into the women's barracks and we got arrested for trespassing." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Coast Guard? So you know how to fight underwater?" }, { "character": "Josh", "line": "[stunned]" } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "[Jim, Josh, and Jan walk in the hotel lobby] Josh, um... [Jim continues walking ahead] Why don't you come up to my room for a couple of minutes and we can just go over the schedule for tomorrow together." }, { "character": "Josh", "line": "Can we do it over breakfast? It'll be..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "A quick drink?" }, { "character": "Josh", "line": "Thanks, but maybe another time." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "[putting on a good face] Great! [walks off]" } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[waiting on Pam to be done with the microwave] Ahhhhhhhhh. [whispering loudly] I'm hungry." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Movie Monday! The only cure I know for the Monday blues is... Varsity Blues!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Let's gooooo! Let's go, let's go, let's go!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[directing people to their assigned seats] Take a seat down there. Second from the end." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright, everybody here? Yes." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[walking in with a tray of six popcorn bags] Popcorn anyone?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes pleeeeease! Thank yooouuu!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[with five popcorn bags left] Anyone else? Nooo." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Movie Monday started with training videos, but we went through those pretty fast. Then we watched a medical video. Since then, it's been half hour installments of various movies, with the exception of an episode of Entourage, which Michael made us watch six times." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Entourage!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Kevin, would you like to do the scenes from last week?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yes!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Why him?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Don't whine. Get the window. [Dwight exhales]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Previously on Varsity Blues..." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Ok. Billy-Bob, got a head injury, but coach made him play. So then Lance, he gets sacked, he's out for the year..." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "[walking into an empty office because everyone is watching Varsity Blues] Hello?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Not everyone approves of Movie Monday. I won't say who." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "I don't approve. I don't." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "Hello? [Angela coughs and points to the conference room]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Jan walks in on Movie Monday] Hi Jan! Hope you brought the Milk Duds!" } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "How would a movie increase productivity Michael? How on earth would it do that?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "People work faster after..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Magically?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No... they have to... to make up for the time they lost watching the movie." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "No." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "[walking past Dwight's desk] Kitchen." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Michael is going to get us all fired. You sat back and let him play that dumb movie, and now Jan is peeved off and we're all going to lose our jobs." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's not going to happen." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "You know she has it out for him now." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's not his fault! He had to follow his heart!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ever since Michael dumped Jan for Carol, Jan's been bitching out on him. Reject a woman and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also weak arms." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Dwight, you should be running this office." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael would never let me..." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "It's not up to Michael, it's Jan's call. Talk to her." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I could never do that!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Fine! Sit back and do nothing and let us all get fired!" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "I know that patience and loyalty are good, and virtuous traits. But sometimes I just think you need to grow a pair." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "At the Stamford branch, they all play this World War II video game called Call of Duty, and they're all really into it. I'm told it started as a team building exercise. Unfortunately I really suck at it. We didn't play many video games in Scranton. Instead we'd do stuff like, uh, Pam and I would sometimes hum the same high pitched note, and try to get Dwight to make an appointment with an ear doctor. And uh, Pam called it... Pretendenitus." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[on the phone] Hey Kelly, my stuff just got here. [Kelly screams with excitement into the phone and Pam has to take it away from her ear]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Kelly really likes to online shop. Soooo, I felt like I wanted some new clothes. I mean, I just, I wanted to, it just, I felt like it was time, to maybe um... just get new clothes." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[pulling her new shirt out of a box] Ok." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[gasps] I love it!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Really? I don't know." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "You haven't even tried it on yet, try it on." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Not at work, I'll try it on---" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Fashion show! Fashion show! Fashion show at lunch!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "...noooo" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[clapping her hands in unison] Fashion show! Fashion show! Fashion show at lunch! Fashion show! Fashion show! Fashion show at lunch!" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Why did you do that?!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm just killing Germans, any way I can." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "We're on the German team. Shoot the Brittish." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[turning around to Karen] Wait, are we playing teams?" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "[laughing] Yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[outside in the parking lot, pacing back and forth] WAH! GAH! [breathing heavily]" } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "[answering the phone] Hello?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Is this Jan?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Who is this?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "This is Dwight Schrute. I am calling about an extremely sensitive matter." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "You should talk to Michael, and he'll talk to me, and that way we don't have to speak to each other." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's about Michael." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "What about him?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[exhales] I can't talk here. It's too sensitive." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "It's not about a surprise party is it?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, but we should discuss that another time." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Look, I am already an hour outside of Scranton, Dwight, I'm not coming back." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Pull over at exit 40. There is a Liz Claiborne outlet. I know you like that store. Go inside and shop, until I can meet you." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "How do you know I like that store?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Many of your blouses are Claiborne's." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "How do you know that?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Part of my job." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "No it's not. It's officially not." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "...noted." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[walking into Michael's office] I'm going... to the dentist." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I have to have an emergency crown put in." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ouchy." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes. It's a new dentist. He's far. I might be gone... three hours." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Three hours, wow. Have fun. [Dwight walks away staring through the blinds at Michael]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Did you get anything good?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "New blouse? Halter top? Camisole? Teddy?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I can save the branch." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "If you let me run it." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Ok." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[excitedly] \"Ok\" I can run it?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "What would you do differently?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Mostly get rid of waste. Which is half the people there. And clean house. [to waitress in diner] Right here. It's all for me. Thank you." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Dwight, you must feel strongly, to speak with me this way, behind Michael's back, and turn on so many of your co-workers." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The decision to turn on Michael was difficult. [pouring way too much syrup on his food] But once I did it, I didn't look back. And mostly I feel that Michael would approve. It's really what's best for the branch. And I could care less about my co-workers. So [cutting his food, giving Jan a \"so there\" look], here we are. It's all, on the table. I want... the branch. And I await your decision." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[shoveling waffles into his mouth] Oh, by the way. There's a new Ann Taylor outlet store near here. I know you like their earrings." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "[thinks for a second] Where is it?" } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "[on speakerphone with Michael] Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I just had a very interesting conversation with one of your employees." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh. That's nice." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "No, it wasn't. Dwight just told me that he thinks he can run the branch better than you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "...what?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Mm-hmm." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "...you were at the dentist?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "You can't have people undermining you. Get control of your branch immediately." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "What was Dwight thinking? That he could turn Jan against me? She's my ex-lover! ...ish." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "[Pam walks out of the bathroom wearing her new red shirt] Woooooow." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "It's so sexy. You look so hot." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "It's really something." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[smiling] It's too much." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm gonna return it." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "No, you have to keep it today, just see how you feel." } ], [ { "character": "Roy", "line": "[walking into the break room] Hey." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "You look nice." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thanks." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Isn't that like your third soda today?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah I think we can be a big help to your company. [someone dims the lights, signifying that it's game time] Ok, see you next week. Bye. [to Karen] Again?" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Scared?" } ], [ { "character": "Karen", "line": "[with her hands making the rocker sign] Call of Duty!" } ], [ { "character": "Josh", "line": "[sounding upset] Andy, Jim, can I see you in the conference room for a minute?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Now?" }, { "character": "Josh", "line": "Yes now." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Put the game on hold everyone." } ], [ { "character": "Josh", "line": "This is not working, ok? We are getting slaughtered out there." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It's the new guy. [looks at Jim]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, I'm sorry I don't know... what we're talking about..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "See what I mean?" }, { "character": "Josh", "line": "We just need a strategy, ok? We're going to set up a trap in the gun room. All right Jim, are you using the MP-40 or the 44?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Um, sniper rifle?" }, { "character": "Josh", "line": "SNIPE--" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "WHAT?" }, { "character": "Josh", "line": "JIM!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Are you playing for the other team?!" }, { "character": "Josh", "line": "You don't snipe in Carrington, ok?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Saboteur!" }, { "character": "Josh", "line": "Andy, it's not---" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Saboteur! I'm going to kill you for real. This game--- the game is over. I'm really going to shoot you." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do you want an M&M?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No thanks I'm stuffed." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No seriously. You should have an M&M, they're really good." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "...ok. [takes and eats several M&M's]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "They're good, huh?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "...so good." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey. I thought you weren't supposed to eat anything for a couple hours after you've had a crown put in." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "They have this new kind of quick drying bonding, so..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sounds like a good dentist." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What's his name?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[long pause] Crentist." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Your dentist's name is Crentist." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yep." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Huh. Sounds a lot like dentist." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Maybe that's why he became a dentist." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Let me see your teeth. Let me see 'em. Let me see 'em." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[reluctantly opens his mouth and Michael peers inside] Ahh. Aaaah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You should... floss." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I know..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[exhales] Well then... I am glad you're ok." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Business is like a jungle. And I... am like a tiger. And Dwight, is like a monkey, that stabs the tiger in the back with a stick. Does the tiger fire the monkey? Does the tiger transfer the monkey to another branch? [smiling] Pun. There is no way of knowing what goes on inside the tiger's head. We don't have the technology." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight, can I talk to you for a second?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[in Michael's office] Wow, this is tough." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ohhhh. Arrrgggh!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What is it?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, I just got off the phone with Jan. And um... she demoted me." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah. You know what the craziest part of this is? She demoted me to your job!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Gahh!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And she said that you should be expecting a call later from corporate, and that um, I guess that means that you are going to be acting manager of Dunder Mifflin, Scranton." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I can't believe this news. That--- wow." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know. I told her I didn't know whether you'd wanna do it... because you've always been so loyal to me. You've been my most trusted ally." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You said that?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yep, I did. I did. But I think... you should do it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well... Gosh, if you think I should. Then I will." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[exhales] Perfect, well, we're settled." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right. Well then, you are now acting manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton Branch, and I... am assistant regional manager." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Assistant to the regional manager. Thank you Michael, for staying on. I really appreciate it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ohh.." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey... I can't imagine this place without you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[muttering] Can't you? That's so nice." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well... I guess we should go tell the troops." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, when I'm ready, Mike. [Dwight exhales, Michael looks at the camera] Ok let's do it." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, hi, hello. Everybody, I have some good news, and I have some bad news. I... am being replaced, as your leader, by Dwight." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "You're kidding..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You might think that I am kidding, and I understand that." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Congratulations Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thank you Angela." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "But... why Dwight?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Because, Dwight... never lies." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "How does that qualify him to run a branch?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Because that's all it takes." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok, Dwight, would you like to say a few words to everybody... about loyalty?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thank you Michael. I just want to say, to the few of you who will remain under my employ, that I intend to lead you into the black! With ferocity!" } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Michael, what will you do?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, I'll be fine." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Do you have any savings?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, I don't, but---" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Michael, you might lose your condo." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I... won't. I won't." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I have this little vacuum cleaner that's broken. If Dwight doesn't work out, maybe that could be manager." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Maybe I'll quit." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "It's really happening!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "We can make a difference here." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I, will, make a difference here." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "You alone? Because I thought together we could---" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh please, don't be naive. But you can be in charge of the women." } ], [ { "character": "Karen", "line": "[whispering] Look how cute he is! He's trying to shoot with a smoke grenade." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm sorry what are you whispering about?" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "I'm sorry nothing, just concentrate on turning around." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm trying---" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Just tap S then D." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "[her players gun is pointed directly at Jim's player's head] Any... last words? No?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What? [Karen's player shoots Jim's player, \"You killed Jim Halpert\" appears on the screen, Karen giggles]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow. Psychopath. [Karen grins widely at Jim]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "I'm just looking." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Please go back to your desk." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "In a minute." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, I remember why I dress the way I do at work. But I'm gonna keep the clothes. I mean, it'll be cool to just have some after work clothes that aren't pajamas." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, I guess it's time, that I turn over the keys, to the famous Sebring." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[smiling] No thank you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's a corporate lease Dwight, you've earned it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No thanks." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Not my style." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "But you said you liked it. You've always admired it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well that was before. I'm thinking about getting something German, something with decent gas mileage. Plus, that convertible, it's a ridiculous choice for this climate." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Michael finally breaks] Take it back." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[confused] No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's my car." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What did you---" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "THAT'S MY CAR." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know, Dwight. I know. I know. I know." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You know what?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jan called me about your little meeting!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know, what you did. I made the whole thing up, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I think the Sebring's cool. It's cool. The Seabring's cool. It has a cassette and it has a CD." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh do you? Do you like the Sebring--- HOW DARE YOU?! How dare you, Dwight?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[Dwight gets on his knees and puts his face down on the ground] Don't fire me. Please." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Give me one good reason why I should fire you RIGHT HERE ON THE SPOT?!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[terrified] I HAVE EXCELLENT SALES NUMBERS!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Not. Good. Enough!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[sobbing] I'll do anything! Anything! I'll do your laundry for a month! For a year!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I have a laundry machine!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm sorry! I'll do anything, I swear. [squeaking, crying]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't know if I can trust you anymore." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You can't. You can't. But I promise I'll never betray you again. What can I do, Michael. What can I do? [Michael exhales] What can I do? [Dwight has his face to the ground but his butt raised high in the air] What can I do? What can I do?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You can get up. Get up. [Dwight gets up with spit hanging from his lips] And you can hug it out, bitch. [Dwight and Michael have a firm embrace]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hug it out, bitch. That is what men say to each other, after a fight. They hug it out, and doing so, the just... let it go. And walk away. And they're done. Not a good idea to say that to a woman however. I have found. It doesn't translate." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[leaving his desk for the day, pretends pull the pen out of a pretend grenade, and tosses it to Karen]" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "[throws some desk material in the air to signify debris from the grenade explosion, grins as Jim walks away]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yep. Yeah, we hugged it out. But, it turns out, I was still a little angry. So, I felt I needed to punish him, just a little bit more, [cut to Dwight standing on a box with \"LIAR\" written on a piece of paper hung around his neck, Dwight's head hung in shame] and I'm making him do my laundry for a year." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. [Jan leaves Michael's office; Dwight enters]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey. [shuts door] Is everything okay?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It is not your business, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "If the branch is in trouble, there are things you can do." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What do you know about management, Dwight?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I know that we need to cut costs. We could fire Meredith. That's a big cost." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm not firing anyone." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Creed might be living here, we could charge him rent." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "... What?" } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "Four nights a week, I sleep under my desk, and then three nights I stay at my place in Toronto. They don't know about this job up there. It's a welfare state. Beautiful countries, both of 'em." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. Here we go. Everybody, you know what? It dawned on me we were all in there watching a movie together before we were so rudely interrupted, Let's get back in there. [no takers] Come on. Movie Monday! Come on, Stanley let's go." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[standing at the supply shelf] I'm on the phone." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ryan?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I'm pretty sure Jan said that we're not supposed to." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, well, we had scheduled this time to watch a movie together, so I guess I will just go play some online Scrabble." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[looks to Angela]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[shakes her head disapprovingly]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The Schrutes are a very loyal breed. But I also have Mannheim blood from my German grandmother. And the Mannheims knew when to cut and run. No sense going down with a losing regime. But the Schrute blood... It's amazing that when these two bloods mix, the whole thing didn't explode." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "So, she sleeps with him, but she is still in love with the head surgeon, um, the McDreamy guy, and she starts crying, but the dorky doctor, he's in love with her... [phone rings]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. ... Uh, sure, I'll get him for you. [to Michael] It's Jan for you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I may have a few weeks ago faked a call from Jan in order to get out of a synopsis of, I think it was, Navy: NCIS. Since then, Michael's been suspicious." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Nnnnice. Wow!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[playing Call of Duty] Oh? Someone's left out in the open, taking a little siesta. Not smart. [shoots] Yes! Finally killed you... [Karen's desk is empty]" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Hey, Jim?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, Jan." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "How's work going?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[nervously] Pretty good." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "[kills Jim's character, giggles] Oh, you know what, I gotta see Josh right now, but remind me to tell you what Dwight said to me earlier, okay? You'll get a big kick out of it. [leaves]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[baffled expression]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Things are a little bit... different here in Stamford. [shrug] It's not bad." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey Ryan, can I get you a pencil from the warehouse?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Uh, no thanks, I'm good." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, it's okay, I'm going down." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Um... Yeah, absolutely." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right, I'll be right back. [goes down pretend stairs]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[laughs uproariously and applauds] Whoo!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[hands Ryan pencil] There you go." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Awesome!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're welcome." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael, can you get me a pen from down in the warehouse?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Don't mind if I do. See you in a minute. [goes back down pretend stairs and grabs pen from Stanley's desk]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay. [continues to laugh] Whoo!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "There you go, fresh from the warehouse." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey Michael, would you get me some coffee from the warehouse?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "There's coffee in the kitchen, Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "But the warehouse coffee tastes SO much better." }, { "character": "Ryan & others", "line": "Yeah. Yes, it's better. It's great." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[breathless] All right. Okay. [goes back down pretend stairs, crawls on belly to the kitchen for the coffee]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am like Bette Midler in For the Boys. Gotta keep the troops entertained." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[after Michael returns with coffee] With cream and sugar?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[sighs] All right." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "[on speakerphone] So, I wanted to let you know that we lost Ed Truck." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oookay. Let me see if I have his cell. Is this the only reason you are calling, Jan? Or does somebody miss me?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Michael, Ed died over the weekend." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, wow." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Attention, everybody. I just received a call from corporate with some news they felt that I should know first. My old boss Ed Truck has died." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh, Michael, that's such terrible news! You must feel so sad." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, I am. It's very sad. Because he was my boss." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "That's a shame. Ed was a good guy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's right, you worked with him. So did Creed. Well, I'll be in my office in case anybody wants to drop by. Cheer me up." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "So did you hear the news?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "The news that you just announced? That Ed died?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Is there anything I can do?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, gosh, what can anybody do, really? It's... pssssh... . He was almost 70. Circle of life." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[holds out arms to Pam]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh. Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah. Mmmmmm." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[extricating herself] Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Josh", "line": "What's going on with Fairfield County schools? Karen, did you generate that price list?" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Um, shoot. Uh, I will. Sorry." }, { "character": "Josh", "line": "Okay, just get it done. Jim, will you make sure?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh yeah, definitely." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[coughing out his words] Suck up! Josh, did you hear what I said?" }, { "character": "Josh", "line": "Thank you, everyone." } ], [ { "character": "Karen", "line": "[at vending machine] Dammit." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What's up?" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Uh, nothing. They're just out of Herr's chips." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "But don't worry about it. My snack food doesn't fall under the umbrella of your authority." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mmm, that's where you're wrong. I'm your project supervisor today, and I have just decided that we're not doing anything until you get the chips that you require. So, I think we should go get some. Now, please." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "It's a real shame about Ed, huh?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah. Must really have you thinkin'." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "About what?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "The older you get, the bigger the chance is you're gonna die. You knew that." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Ed was decapitated." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "He was drunk as a skunk, he was flying down Route 6. He slides under an 18 wheeler. Pop. It snaps right off." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh my God." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That is the way to go. Instant death. Very smart." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "You know a human can go on living for several hours after being decapitated." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You're thinking of a chicken." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "What did I say?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "That is just not the way a Dunder Mifflin manager should go, I'm sorry. Alone, out of the blue, and not even have his own head to comfort him." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[clears throat] So, I'm not exactly sure how to say this..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ed was decapitated." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You said you didn't know how to say it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I didn't... he was driving on the road and he went under a truck. And that's when his head was separated from the rest of him. And I will let you know more as soon as I find out." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "If my head ever comes off, I would like you to put it on ice." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I do not wanna talk about this." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "When I die, I wanna be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever because I will have used that time to figure out exactly why I died and what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't understand. We have a day honoring Martin Luther King, but he didn't even work here." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "[on speakerphone] I understand how you feel, Michael. I really do. So, would it be helpful to give everyone the day off?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You really don't get it, do you? You don't understand these people. That is the last thing that they would want is a day off." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Well, what would you suggest?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[thoughtfully] A statue." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Of Ed?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "[scoffs] I'm not sure that's realistic." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, I think it would be very realistic, it would look just like him." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "No, that's not---" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We could have his eyes light up, we could have his arms move..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That is not a statue, that is a robot." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I think that is a great way to honor Ed." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And how big do you want this robot?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Life-size." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Mm, no. Better make it two-thirds. Easier to stop if it turns on us." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "What the hell are you two talking about?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, we are talking about how to properly honor a man who gave his life as regional manager of this company, Jan." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "You know what, Michael? I've really tried with you today..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mm hm." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "...and I have to get back to work." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh do you? You know who wished they could get back to work is Ed Truck." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "So call me when you feel like having a real conversation." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "But Ed truck can't because he is---" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Goodbye. [hangs up]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "DEAD." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Look [holding up sketch] I gave him a six foot extension cord so he can't chase us." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's perfect." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, that is a \"no\" on the on the West Side Market." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Okay, great. I think that's enough. Can I get back to work now?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow. Never pegged you for a quitter." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "I am NOT a quitter. I will do this all day if you want." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Yeah, all day." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey. What are we doing? What's the game? I want in." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, there's no game. We're just trying to get these chips for Karen." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Did you check the vending machine?" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Oh, the vending machines! How did we miss that?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I have no idea. We went right for the copier." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Mm." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And then we checked the fax machine." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Yeah, nothing there." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Did you check your... butt?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oohh... can you imagine how much blood there was? If it happened right here, it would reach all the way to reception. Probably get on Pam." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Okay that's enough." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "We do not wanna hear about this." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, you know what? I didn't wanna hear about it either, Stanley, but I did and now I can't stop picturing it. He leaves work, he's on his way home... wham! His cappa is detated from his head!" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "You have just spit on my face." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, you know what? There's something wrong with you. There is something wrong with everybody in here. Because we have lost a member of our family and you don't wanna talk about it, you don't wanna think about it, you just wanna get back to work!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "There are five stages to grief, which are [glancing at computer screen] denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. And right now, out there, they're all denying the fact that they're sad. And that's hard. And it's making them all angry. And it is my job to try to get them all the way through to acceptance. And if not acceptance, then just depression. If I can get them depressed, then I'll have done my job." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am going to throw you this ball. When you catch the ball, I want you to say the name of a person very important to you, somebody really special who died, and then I want you to say how they died, and you may cry if you like, that is encouraged. Let me just start. Let me show you how this works. I catch the ball. I lost Ed Truck. And... it feels like somebody took my heart and dropped it into a bucket of boiling tears... and at the same time, somebody else is hitting my soul in the crotch with a frozen sledgehammer... and then a third guy walks in and starts punching me in the grief bone... and I'm crying, and nobody can hear me, because I am terribly, terribly... terribly alone." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Excuse me, I'm sorry to interrupt, uh, I need to see Pam. There seems to be, like, something wrong with the radiator in her car." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, fine. Hurry back." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "[as they leave] There's nothing wrong with your car. I just thought you might like a break from the \"grief counseling\" session." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh. I would like a break." } ], [ { "character": "Roy", "line": "How are you likin' the new car?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Great." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Yeah? Sure is small. Got airbags?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I think so. I don't know, I was mainly focused on the cup holders." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "[laughs] Well, you're not still driving so fast, are you? Yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[on phone] Hi, yeah. This is Mike from the West Side Market. Well, we get a shipment of Herr's salt and vinegar chips, and we ordered that about three weeks ago and haven't ... . yeah. You have 'em in the warehouse. Great. What is my store number... six. Wait, no. I'll call you back. [quickly hangs up] Shut up [to Karen]." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "[laughing] Six?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[as Pam returns to conference room] Okay, we can start. Um..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You waited for me?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah. Pam, you're a member of this family. So we will wait for our family members. Phyllis, you wanna give it a shot?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[grabbing ball] I got it. When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered, that I had resorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No. I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, why don't you throw the ball to somebody else." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[throwing ball back] Nope." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[returning ball to Stanley] Oh, yes Stanley. Come on. Your turn, you have to go." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I will NOT. [throws ball back]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay... I'm going to toss the ball to Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Let's see. I had an aunt that I was really close to. She was this amazing female boxer. Um, anyway, she was injured in a fight, and she was paralyzed. So, you can imagine how upset I was when I found out that she asked her manager to remove her breathing tube so she could die." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wow. If you wanna cry, that's okay." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[catching ball] Thanks. Um, a few years ago, my family was on a safari in Africa and, um, my cousin, Mufasa was um, he was trampled to death by a pack of wildebeests and, um, we all... took it really hard. All of us kind of in the audience of what happened." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do you want to talk about it anymore?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Oh, it would probably take me like an hour and a half to tell that whole story." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Me, me, me, me, me me. [catches ball] Yes. Okay, um. I was trying to throw this party once. And everyone was over for the weekend. And then my uncle Bernie died, and so me and my best friend, we had to pretend like he was alive, so..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wait a second. That's Weekend at Bernie's. [upset] Do you think that this is a game?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Well, there is a ball." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right, we're starting over." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "No, I'm done." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You are not leaving. No! We are not done." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "We really have a lot of work to do right now." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah. Well, you know what? The guy who had my job has died. And nobody cares! And he sat at my desk. [breaking down]" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Michael, look. I know this is hard for you, but death's just a part of life. I mean, just this morning I saw a little bird fly into the glass doors downstairs and die. And I had to keep going." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "How do you know?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That that bird was dead? Did you check its breathing?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "It was obvious..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Was its heart beating, Toby? Did you check it? No, of course you didn't. You're not a veterinarian. You don't know ANYTHING! [runs out of conference room crying]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael! [following Michael downstairs] Michael. Michael ..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[seeing bird] Oh, God!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[in disgust] Oh..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh my God! Oh my God, come on ..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Poor little fella." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh shhhh--oot!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "He is a goner." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, he's not." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, he's not. [cradling bird next to face]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael, get him away from your head! He is covered in germs and bacteria!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, you can't get diseases from a bird!" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "A dead bird should not be in the kitchen!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We don't know if it's dead." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Ugh, no that thing is dead." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You want me to flush him?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Attention everybody. This will only take a second of your time. Today at 4 p.m. we will be meeting in the parking lot to have a funeral service for this bird." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I have a lot of work to do." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, I'm sorry to inconvenience you, Meredith. But that is what you do when things die. You honor them. Toby killed this bird. And now we are going to honor it." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "But..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, no! That's enough! You know what? This bird is dead. He died alone. The least you can do is be there for him now. [to Dwight] Find a box for him." } ], [ { "character": "Karen", "line": "I'm calling a supermarket in Montreal." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nice!" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "[on phone] Bonjour. Je cherche des tchips de la marque Herr's. Non? Ah... merci quand meme. Au revoir." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Sounded good." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Thanks." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[crying]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's okay. It's okay. [pats Kelly on shoulder] Shh... yes, I know, I know. It's been a tough day, but it's good to let it show." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I mean, how many times to I have to confirm with Ryan [Michael walks away disgusted] for him to know that we have a date tonight?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[trying to shove bird into a can] Argh... gah!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What are... What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What? No, this is about the right size." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, God, no it's not! What is the matter with you? Is that the beak!?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm sorry, I grew up on a farm. We slaughtered a pig whenever we wanted bacon. My grandfather was reburied in an old oil drum. [pause] It would have fit if he had given me another minute." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I need a box. I need a box. A small box... not too confining." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Is it for the bird?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I have it covered. [hands Dwight a decorated box]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, thank you." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "If you wanna do something for the funeral..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes, please." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Maybe you could play a song on your recorder." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Excellent." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Do you have it with you?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Always. [runs off]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Did I wake up this morning thinking I'd be throwing together a bird funeral? You never can tell what your day here is gonna turn into." } ], [ { "character": "Karen", "line": "[spotting Herr's chips on her desk] Where'd you find them?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Where'd I find what?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I called the manufacturer, who referred me to distributor, who referred me to the vending machine company, who told me that they sell them in the machines in the building next door." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Glad you could all make it." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "You told us we had to." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight, do you have the box?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Actually, I have it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You made this? Wow. [impressed] That's... that's very nice." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "When I was five my mom told me that my fish went to the hospital in the toilet and it never came back so we had a funeral for it. And I remember thinking \"I'm a little too old for this.\" And I was five." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'd also like to say a few words if that's okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What do we know about this bird? You might think, \"Not much. It's just a bird.\" But we do know some things. We know it was a local bird. Maybe it's that same bird that surprised Oscar that one morning with a special present from above." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh, I remember that. That was SO funny." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "And we know how he died. Flying into the glass doors. But you know what? I don't think he was being stupid. I think he just really, really wanted to come inside our building to spread his cheer and lift our spirits with a song." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "He's not a songbird." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Shhh." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "An impression, then. Lastly, we can't help but notice that he was by himself when he died, but of course, we all know that doesn't mean he was alone. Because I'm sure that there were lots of other birds out there who cared for him very much. He will not be forgotten." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[quickly] Amen." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[begins playing recorder]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[singing] Just smile for me and let the day begin. You are the sunshine that lights my heart within... on the wings of love ..." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Society teaches us that having feelings and crying is bad and wrong. Well, that's baloney, because grief isn't wrong. There is such a thing as good grief. Just ask Charlie Brown." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Let's get back to work." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Hannah", "line": "Hey Jimmy. Want to see some pictures of my baby?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Umm... sure." }, { "character": "Hannah", "line": "[shows picture] Here he is." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[chuckles] He's so cute." }, { "character": "Hannah", "line": "And here's his first bath. Warning: contains nudity." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's okay. [Hannah shows pic of husband naked with baby] Oh, no, it's not. I'm sorry, is that your husband in the tub with him?" }, { "character": "Hannah", "line": "You think we should have left our baby in the tub alone? [Jim shakes head] Talk to me when you have kids." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Sounds good." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "[on the phone] Ed Truck died over the weekend." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, wow. He..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Yeah. And I know... I know he was your boss, so I thought you should know." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Does his family know?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Yes, they know, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "But I'm the first in the office?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I guess, yes. I think it would be appropriate for you to make an announcement to your team, in case they want to pay their respects." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, yes, sure, I will do that..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Good." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "...'Cause I'm the first to to find out. Nobody else knows and it is my responsibility to tell them. Well, good. How are you holding up? Want me to come over? [Jan hangs up]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ed Truck died. And it blows. They say that with grief, time makes it worse, which is bad for me because I found out before anybody so I've had more time to be sad." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Attention, everyone. As you know, Ed Truck is dead. If you have any contact information on Rolodex files or in Microsoft Outlook, remove it now. Also, if you have any photographs, Pam will make her shredder available during lunch. That is all." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Remembering the dead doesn't help anybody. The way to best honor them is to figure out what killed them and prevent that thing from killing anyone ever again. In this case, some sort of steel exoskeleton to protect the neck, or else a device that allows the head to live separately from the body. I'm working on both." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I would like you all to clear your schedules this afternoon, because I am telling corporate to send in a grief counselor. We need to find out what is blocking you. And that way, we'll be able to honor Ed the way he deserves to be honored. May he rest in peace." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "...ces. [chuckles]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What was that, Kevin?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Nothing." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, you said something, didn't you?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "May he rest in pieces. [chuckles] You know, because there's, like, two pieces of him." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You think that's funny." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "No. [chuckles]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You are disgusting." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael, no need to call corporate. We are supposed to use Toby. He's trained as a grief counselor." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, that can't be right." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Well, I am trained in grief counseling, but, ahh, I don't think that's what they need right now." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, then I guess that makes you about the worst grief counselor in the world, doesn't it?" } ], [ { "character": "Roy", "line": "Hey there." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "So how's your day going?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, I will be spending the entire afternoon in grief counseling for someone I've never met." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "That sucks. [laughs] You guys got it much harder up here." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Closer to the epicenter, I guess." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "[laughs] Cool, all right." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Well, as you know, Ed Truck passed away. So, I'm here to talk about it if anyone would like to." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Not really." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're ruining it, already. They should not be given the choice." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I did not know Ed Truck. So I will probably spend the day zoning out and planning my weekend. I think Ed would have wanted it that way." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Is anyone having any trouble eating?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Concentrating? Is anyone having trouble getting their work done today?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I'm having trouble getting my work done today." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Well, look, sometimes things crop up later. So, uhh, you should know I'm always available if anyone would like to talk." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wow. Wow. No. No. You are the most heartless, soulless person I've ever met." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Michael, I'm sorry..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. No. Shh. Enough. It is going to take me hours to undo all the damage that your have done here. Dwight, Ryan, I want you to take the table out. We're gonna go on a five minute break, and when you come back, we're going to start with a clean slate, and, in the interim, I would like you to forget everything that Toby has said, okay?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't think I'm overstating it when I say that Toby is a plague on this company. And he is worthless. You give people a chance to shine and they blow it, just like you knew they would. Grief counseling is not about, \"Are you hungry? Would you like a sandwich?\" These people are so far gone, you have to stick a food tube down their throats." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, part of the problem was that Toby talked at you. Now, I am going to talk with you. First off, I want you to be comfortable, because you really can't grieve if you're all tight and buttoned up. So, guys, loosen your ties, just take your jackets off if you want. Ladies, let your hair down. You know what? Even take your shoes off. I wanna get personal and I want you all to really open up. And I want you to know that anything and everything can be said." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Okay. I don't think Kevin should take his shoes off." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "My feet do not smell. Angela knows that hyperhidrosis is a medically diagnosed condition." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I found an exercise in Toby's binder that he managed to miss, that involves screening the part of you that says, \"I don't wanna do that. I don't wanna talk about that. That is too private.\" Here's how it works. I'm going to throw you this ball." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Yeah, the ball-throwing exercise is in the binder. It's in the section marked, \"Fun Ways To Make Brainstorming Sessions Explode With Excitement and Creativity.\"" } ], [ { "character": "Roy", "line": "Hey, my cousin Billy, they just had the twins." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Wow, I thought that was supposed to be, like, next month." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Yeah, I know. I guess they couldn't wait. I'll bring in a picture if you..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, I'd love to see them. Oh, and tell them I say, \"Congratulations.\"" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Sure." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I should probably head back in." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Yeah?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "But, umm, thanks for the break." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "No problem." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[in his office playing with a Dunder Mifflin Truck when it drops and the \"head\" of the Truck comes off]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael once told me that Home Alone is the saddest movie ever. When I asked him why, he said, \"Because the whole family forgets the kid at home. There is nothing funny about that.\"" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's... Hold it, hold it, hold it. Start, like, right in there. [Dwight digs hole in ground] Just dig." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ow! God!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, give it to me. You don't know what you're doing. All right. [Michael starts digging]" }, { "character": "Man", "line": "Hey! Hey! What are you guys doing over there?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nothing. Let's just... all right. [talks to warehouse guys] Guys, do you have a box we could use?" } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Brain teaser. I have two coins totaling 15 cents and one of them is not a nickel. What are they?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "A dime and a nickel." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, I said one of them is not a nickel." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "But the other one is. I've heard that before." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ok. A man and his son get into a car accident. They are rushed to the hospital. The doctor says, there is no way I can operate on this boy, ..." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Because he's my son. The doctor is the boy's mother." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "A man is found hanging from the ceiling..." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "He stepped on a block of ice, hung himself, and the ice melted." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "A hunter." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "It's a polar bear because you're at the North Pole." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Damn it!" } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "Tell me what you did yesterday." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uhhh... nothing." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Nothing?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, nothing. How was your day?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I don't care how your day was Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wow. Well. Ok. I don't care how your day was either, Jan. I was just asking you because you asked me. Why do you set me up like that?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Tell me what you did yesterday." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I worked. And then I went home to my condo. And Carol came over. And then we had sex. Is that what you want to hear?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Never ever, ever sleep with your boss. I am so lucky that Jan and I only got to second base." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "Hi, Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I'm great. So, Pam I would like you to keep a log of everything Michael does hour by hour so we can analyze it at corporate. Ok?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, I don't know if I'm..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Thanks Pam." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's weird. Jan use to treat Michael like he was a ten year old, but lately it's like he's five." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So you excited?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Very excited?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yes. I'm very excited." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Extremely excited? ... Just very? That's cool." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I have spent a year here. I have to commit or get out. Dwight's the top salesman in the company and he's taking me on my first sales call today. And, um, I'm excited." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I am very excited. Ryan hasn't made a sale yet, but more importantly, he hasn't made an ally yet. Is he going to be a slacker-loser-wise-ass like Jim was? Or is he going to join the Dwight Army of Champions?" } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "So what if they're not talking much, then does it makes sense to kind of lead the conversation? You know, just 'till it gets to a point where they are asking questions? [car stops] So where's the sales office?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "When you are ready to see the sales office, the sales office will present itself to you. Your journey begins now." } ], [ { "character": "Karen", "line": "[squeaky chair] Hey." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "My chair is squeaking." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Is it?" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "You took my chair." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, I didn't. I took back my chair that you took from me, but I didn't take your chair." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "When you get up, I'm just going to take it back anyway, so..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "So I guess I can't get up." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey Koselli, the Kos. Cosby. Hey hey hey. I love Jello Pudding Pops. My son, Theo, loves Jello Pudding Pops too." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Do you know where we are, temp?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I know where we're not." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I hold in my hand, a beet seed. Take it. [Ryan tries to take it, Dwight closes hand] AH! [Ryan tries again and takes seed] When... Damn it." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey, Big Tuna, can I talk to you for a second." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Sure." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Can you stand up? And talk to me over there?" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "That's it? That's what you came up with?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'm acting my heart out here." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, really. You asked for my help, so I helped." } ], [ { "character": "Announcer", "line": "Attention Scranton Business Park, there will be complimentary pretzels in the lobby from now until 4 o'clock as a thank you to our loyal tenants." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Once a year they bring in a little cart and they give away free pretzels. It's really not a big deal. To some people it is." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Productivity is important but how can I be productive if I have this one little thing in my brain? That I cannot get out. And that one little thing is a soft pretzel. So I'm just going to have my soft pretzel, then I'll get to work, and I'll be super productive. Look out for me." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[looks at long pretzel line] Oh, shhh... Come on." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And just as you have planted your seed in the ground, I'm going to plant my seed in you." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I don't think you know what you're saying." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Smells pretty bad, doesn't it?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Uh huh." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's called bull crap and a client can smell it from a mile away." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Gotcha." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh hey, I forgot something in my car. I'll be right back." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Ok. [Dwight drives away] Of course." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I wake up every morning in a bed that's too small, drive my daughter to a school that's too expensive, and then I go to work to a job for which I get paid too little, but on Pretzel Day? Well, I like pretzel day." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Because they acted all tough and everything..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh huh." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "But what they were rapping about was cupcakes and the Chronicles of Narnia. God. Who invented cupcakes, right? I want to..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Phyllis embraces Bob ahead in line] Hey, hey, hey! Phyllis, what are you doing?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I'm just saying hi to Bob." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I think you're cutting in line." }, { "character": "Bob", "line": "Well settle down, Scott." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I'm not going to settle down." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "No way." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Get in the back please." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Boooooo. Booooo. Back of the line." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Boooooo. Thank you. [hi-five's Stanley]. That's right." }, { "character": "Bob", "line": "What a pair of Mary's." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "This is Pretzel Day." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Hey Dwight, you're a great salesman. Can you teach me? Sure, Ryan. I'll make you the ole commodor. I'll abandon you in a beet field. Huh. That sounds great, Dwight, I'll really appreciate that. Thank you so much for your mentorship." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Congratulations resourceful salesman. You have passed the second challenge. Welcome to Schrute Farm." } ], [ { "character": "Karen", "line": "[rocks in squeaky chair]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[sings] Love me, love me, say that you love me, fool me, fool me," }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "stop." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Go on and fool me. Love me, love me, say that you love me" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "This is not fair, this is going to be in my head all day. Please." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "fool me, fool me, go on and fool me. Love me," }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "This is not a proportionate response." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Love me, say that you love me. Fool me, fool me, go on and fool me." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I don't care 'bout anything but you... what ever happened to those guys?" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No cuts. Oh, Pam. Just the woman I'd like to see. You read my mind." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Great! I thought you could use this time to authorize some checks." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I thought that maybe you could wait in line for me while I go to the bathroom. You're an angel." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, why don't you just go up to your office, get some work done, and I'll just bring you a pretzel." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Because I like them a certain way, and if it gets screwed up, then whole thing is blown." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You know, I just think it's really important that you be productive today." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam, productivity starts with patience and determination. I'll be back." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It is time for your next test. You have planted the beet seed. You have walked the long lonely walk of loneliness." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Look man, I was in a frat in college. So I know what you're doing. I get it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You know what your problem is? You know why you haven't made any sales? Cause you think you know everything. You have to trust that maybe there are other people that can teach you things. Are you ready to learn? Are you ready for the final test?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Come on!" } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Thank you! [takes pretzel]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hi. Please tell me that you have a sweet pretzel left." }, { "character": "Pretzel guy", "line": "We do." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank God." }, { "character": "Pretzel guy", "line": "And we have 18 different toppings. We have sweet glaze, cinnamon sugar, chocolate, white chocolate, fudge, M&M's, caramel dip, mint chip, chocolate chip, marshmallow, nuts, toffee nuts, coconuts, peanut butter drizzle, Oreos, sprinkles, cotton candy bits, and powdered sugar." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Is there anyway that you could do all, all of them?" }, { "character": "Pretzel guy", "line": "The Works. You got it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right! Thank you!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Please be seated. [man runs behind Dwight]" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Who was that?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Pay no attention to the spirits that haunt this hallowed ground." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Is that your Cousin Mose?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Mose is my cousin and he lives here. He will always be my best friend. Unless things go well with Ryan today in which case, I won't hang out with Mose so much anymore." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What is the greatest danger facing Dunder Mifflin?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Outsourcing and consolidation of competition." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wrong. Flash floods. What is the true cause of Robert Mifflin's suicide?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Depression?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wrong. He hated himself. What is the DHARMA initiative?" } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I can't believe that Ryan is not back yet. Where could they be?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Sales take a long time." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh my God, I'm so worried." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I'm sure Dwight will protect him." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I don't know. Dwight's so weird." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "He's not weird, he's just individualistic." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "No, he's a freak." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "You're a freak!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Final question, young Ryan Howard. What is Michael Scott's greatest fear?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Um, loneliness. Maybe women." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wrong. He's not afraid of anything. Also, I would have accepted snakes. Fear is what it's all about. You cannot sell while undergoing fear. You need to vanquish fear! One must wrestle fear to the ground. You will now wrestle my cousin Mose." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "No. Ok. All right. All right. It's over. This is over. OK." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wrestle him to the ground." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "No, you're a freak. I'm not doing this anymore. This is over. Goodbye." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ryan. Don't. Ryan! You don't have to wrestle him. Just get in the coffin. Ryan?" }, { "character": "Mose", "line": "Bye, Ryan. He seemed nice." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Where are all the animals?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ryan, come on. I am sorry. I am sorry. Mose is sorry too. Look, he sent over a basket with eggs and some fat back bacon. And look, something he whittled." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You still mad? It's just Jim and I didn't get along, and I didn't want it to be that way again. You know, I wanted us to be a team. An unstoppable team that competed against other teams." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Look, that, that's not what I wanted, ok. I just wanted to go on a sales call." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Screwgun. The sales call!" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[Michael is listening to \"Rock And Roll Part 2 by Gary Glitter\" and everyone can hear it. Kevin singing in unison with the song] Hey! Hey!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mr. Kosseli. Hey hey hey, the Cos. What's going on? Do we have a deal? Deal or no deal? Let's make a deal. So what is the deal?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Establish time frames. Keep the phrase \"real dollars\" in their head. And always keep the power in the conversation. That's why you're losing them on the cold calls. Cause you say the word please too much." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Wait, can you go back?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael always said, K.I.S.S. Keep it simple, stupid. Great advice, hurts my feelings every time." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Ok, I'm going to establish time frames." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Good." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I'm going to put everything in terms of \"real dollars\"." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Right." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I'm going to ask a lot of questions that all have sort of positive answers." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Uh huh." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Saying, that would be better, or we would like that. That sort of thing." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Exactly. Yes." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I'm going to try to be confident, but not cocky." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh! Hey! Everyone, I am officially streamlining the efficiency of this corporation. Second..." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Second?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, second, Toby. Second, I am insisting on increased accountability from every single one of you." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Account...? Michael, what is going on?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And I will be taking questions." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Did you have a lot of sugar today, Michael?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "What's on your suit?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Carmel Dip. But, one question at a time please. Phyllis, Stanley. I want you to switch desks, I'm going to reorganize and restructure the physical layout of the office to maximize everything! I think we're getting a lot done, don't you? On paper at least. And we are, after all, a paper company. Are we not, are we not, are we not? Are you with me, are you with me? Thank you very much!" } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "They really didn't like me." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "They did not. They didn't have to say it to your face." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I don't get it. I don't get what I did wrong." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Not everything's a lesson, Ryan. Sometimes you just fail. It's those online paper jerks. The whole business is changing. You know what? They're going to be screwed once this whole internet fad is over. What are you doing? [Ryan throws egg at building] Oh no no no no! Ryan! Yes! Ryan the temp! Come on! Courtesy of Dunder Mifflin. Come on! Drive." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "You drive." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Oh, hi Jan. He's, uh, on a sales call. No message? Bye, Jan." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[Dwight chokes as Ryan downs a beer in one drink] Temp! Temp! Temp! Temp! Ryan! Ryan! Ryan! Ryan! Yes! Just think, that temp agency could have sent you anywhere." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I think about that all the time." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Night, Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Night." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, what time is it?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "20 past 5." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "AM or PM?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "PM." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, good." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "These came for you. Contracts? Brent Koselli?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh. Koselli. With the Jello." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "This is a huge sale." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes. Right. Good." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Night, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Goodnight!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[phone rings] Dunder Mifflin." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ah, hey." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh my God." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Sorry, I forgot Kevin's extension. It's a fantasy football thing." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And I was just going to go through the system cause I didn't think you'd be there. Why, why are you still there?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I had to work late. Jan's making me keep a log of everything Michael does all day." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow. Do you think you could send me a copy of that?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, totally. So..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "So..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Do you..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, I'm sorry. Go ahead." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Uh, no, I um. Everything's pretty much the same here." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, good." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "A little different. What time is it there?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What time is it here? Um, we're in the same time zone." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, yeah. Right." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "How far away did you think we were?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't know. It felt far." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah. I have a question for you." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "How many words per minute does the average person type?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I type 90." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Shut up. Mavis Beacon doesn't even type 90." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's true." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok, I said average." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "70? How many do you type?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Forget it. I was just about to brag but forget it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Come on. Tell me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You have to tell me now." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "65. Ok, no need to laugh." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, it's, that's respectable." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Respectable?" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "So ok. I'm watching the movie, by myself..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Right." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Because I just wanted a relaxing evening at home..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "And, I'm freaking out." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That movie is so scary!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I know!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "But I'm holding on because I keep waiting for Sandra Bullock to show up." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No way. How do you confuse 28 Days with 28 Days Later?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Because I got it at Blockbuster and they don't put the pictures on the box." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, you're making this up!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Would I make that up?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes. Fancy New Beesley would make that up. New apartment, new stories." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, yeah, in my fancy new apartment. I have one bedroom, one bathroom, and a closet." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And how many kitchens?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I have one kitchen." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow, you got totally taken for a ride Beesley." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's actually..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Most apartments these days have like three." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Three kitchens?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes! How are you going to cook every meal of the day in one kitchen?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[Ryan and Dwight enter] Hey, Ryan, are you ok?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Pam?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah. Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Pam?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Um. Ok, bye." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, yeah, I should, I should, I should probably go too." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, I was um..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, no no." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You have to go?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, uh, well." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, I should probably go too." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I mean, yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah. Bye Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Bye Jim." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Three hundred and sixty four days, 'till the next Pretzel Day." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "What I want, Michael, is an hour-by-hour log of how you spend your work time." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, that's really not the way I roll, because sometimes I'm in the zone, and sometimes I'm in the zoning out." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Zoning out?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do you want me to go on Amazon and order you a slang dictionary? Cause I'll do it." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "If you can account for your time..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, big if." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "...then maybe corporate can justify your salary." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "A woman spurned." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's like mommy and daddy are fighting. Except mommy outranks daddy and mommy is way scarier." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Take a good look at this boy..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I always do." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "...because you are never going to see him again." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "If you lay a finger..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Today is Ryan's first sales call and I am bringing this boy home a full-grown man." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Would you look at that? [Hugs Ryan] [Dwight attempts hug] Damn it, Dwight! Come on." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Dwight is taking Ryan on a sales call today. So if we find Ryan's body in a heavily-wooded area tomorrow, I owe Jim $30. It's an old bet, but a deal's a deal." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I once saw a movie called \"Training Day\". It starred an African-American and Ethan Hawke. In it, the African-American trains Ethan Hawke with various tests and trials. Today, Ryan is Ethan Hawke, and I am the African-American." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Get in the car." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I don't have a key." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Don't you realize the key is inside you? [pretends to pull key out of Ryan's ear]" } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "He's the top salesman at the company. He's the top salesman at the company. He's the top salesman at the company. Today's gonna be great." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, but seriously, your ears are the key. 90% of a good sales call is listening, only 10% is talking." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Huh." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Get in the car. [Ryan knocks the car door] Get... get in the car." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Sales is not all in here. [wails arms] It's also in here." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "What was that first thing you did?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[wails arms] You know, selling, typing, dialing." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What is that in your ear? [pretends to pull beet seed out of Ryan's ear] A tiny beet seed. You need to clean your ears better." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "It's going okay. I've already learned more about beet agriculture than I ever thought I'd know." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "\"9:00 to 10:00, checked in with receptionist. Met with Jan, RE: log. Lost log. Found log.\" \"10:00 to 11:00, light salad, three points.\" That's on the wrong page." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, let's focus today. Make today all about focus. I'll help you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. That sounds good. [puts banana in toy mouth that's in his mouth] [laughs] Yes. Actually, today's a good day to do that." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "You know, every time I think I hit rock bottom at my job, the floor opens up, like at a carnival ride. I'm gonna retrace my steps. College, four-year degree, student loans, business school, alone in a beet field. I... there's a step missing. \"Hey, mom.\" \"Hey, Ryan. How's that five-year plan coming?\" \"Oh, it's great. Today, I knelt down in cow manure and I got abandoned in a beet field.\" \"Oh, that's cool.\" \"Yeah, that's really cool. I'm learning a lot. I'm really glad I took this full-time job.\"" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Sales is about people, Ryan. About understanding them and learning how to get along with them. Case study: me. To understand me, you have to know that I work in the city, but I live here on this small, beautiful farm. It's a family farm. Many Schrutes were born here and many of us end up here. My grandfather was a good man who did some very bad things. What the... Damn it! Those kids! [discovers two teenagers naked, running] You! You, get out of here! This is not a cheap motel! This is a farm and cemetery! Freaks! You're lucky I don't have my crossbow! Let me show you the compost pile." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[in the kitchen and Stanley comes in and swipes Kevin's pretzel without Kevin seeing] Shoot." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "There's four things that I love. My wife, my daughters, Pam Grier, and a hot, chewy roll of buttered dough." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "What makes them so good?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I do not know." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I mean, they're just dough twisted up with some candy. They taste so good in my mouth." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "That's what she said. [Stanley and Michael both laugh]" } ], [ { "character": "Karen", "line": "Look, I've never seen a Clint Eastwood movie." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "See, that's weird." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "But if you said \"Go ahead, make my day,\" I would know that it's from \"Dirty Harry\". How can you not know that's from \"Ferris Bueller's Day Off\"?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yo, mama! Ask me how bad I wanted to bone Jennifer Grey." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I saw the movie. I just don't know every line from the film." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Seriously, you guys, ask me." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "You didn't know that \"Bueller?\" was from Ferris Bueller?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Let's just say, me and Jennifer Grey probably would've broken a few laws." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Here you go." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nice dress, Ryan." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "It's not a dress. It's a kurta." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[laughing] OK." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Tonight, one of our most ethnic co-workers, Kelly, has invited us all to a Diwali celebration put on by her community. What is Diwali, you may ask? Well, to have Kelly explain it [girly voice] it's ada blah blah blah, it's so super fun and it's going to be great. [normal voice] Lot of gods with unpronounceable names. Twenty minutes later you find out that is essentially a Hindu Halloween." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "You look so handsome." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Really you do. I love the material." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I know." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "How come you didn't get me one?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I..." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Ok, so, between Meredith's Mini-van and if I borrow Bob's Yukon that should fit about twelve people." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I actually might not go. Feeling kind of tired." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Do you want to make Appletini's and watch 'Sex and the City' at my place?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, I don't know. I haven't decided yet." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I don't get why you won't go. Did I do something wrong? I mean, I thought we were really close friends." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I just feel kind of tired, you know." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Maybe you've got mono." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Maybe. I just ...I don't really have anyone to go with." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Well, go with Dwight. He's single, too. Right?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, totally single. Hundred percent available." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Are you guys going to this Indian thing tonight?" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "I don't know. Who's... uh, who's going?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oooh. Do you mean like, is Pam going?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Don't go. They eat monkey brains." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey. Hey. Stop that. That is offensive. Indians do not eat monkey brains. And if they do... sign me up... because I am sure that they are very tasty and nutritional." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's important that this company celebrates its diversity. And you know what, Stanley? Come Kwanzaa time, I have got you covered, baby." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I don't celebrate Kwanzaa." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wha? Really? You should! It's fun." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I love the people here. And if there was one thing I di... don't really care for is that they can be terribly, terribly ignorant about other cultures. And I don't want them embarrassing me in front of my girlfriend, Carol." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Diwali is a very important holiday for the Hindus. But, frankly, I'm a little appalled that none of you know very much about Indian culture. So, without further ado, Kelly you are on." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Um... Diwali is awesome... and there's food... and there's going to be dancing... and... Oh! I got the raddest outfit. It has, um..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Kelly?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Sparkles..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um... why don't you tell us a little bit about the origins of the holiday." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh, um... I don't know. It's really old, I think." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "How many gods do you have?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Like hundreds, I think. Maybe more than that." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[points at picture on the wall] And that blue busty gal? What's her story?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "She looks like Pam from the neck down." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Pam wishes. [generalized laughing] Kelly, I'll take this one. Diwali is a Celebration of the Coronation of the God-King Rama. After his epic battle with Ravana, the Demon King of Lanka. It symbolizes the battle between good and evil..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right, all right, all right, all right. This isn't 'Lord of the Rings'." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Sorry." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I started biking into work. Josh does it and he lives a lot farther away than I do. And also it saves gas money, keeps me in shape... helps the environment. And now I know it makes me really sweaty for work." } ], [ { "character": "Karen", "line": "Nice basket." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thank you." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Now, a lot of people say that Kelly is one in a million and that's true, but it's also not true. Because, frankly, there are literally billions of people just like Kelly in the world. Here are some famous Indians. [slide show] Subrahmanyan Chandrasekhar. He is a Nobel prize-winning physicist. Impressive. Apu from the Simpsons. Hilarious. Indian. M. Night Shyamalan. 'The Village', 'Unbreakable', 'Sixth Sense', 'Sig... '" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I see dead people." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. Spoiler... alert." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "He was dead the whole time." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just stop it. [slide of Michael & Carol kissing] What's the... oh, whoa! [laughs] Where did that come from?" } ], [ { "character": "Tony", "line": "Karen, my chips got stuck in the vending machine again. I need your skinny, little arms." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Oh. Did you shake it?" }, { "character": "Tony", "line": "Yeah, I shook it, I shook it." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "We have such a roller coaster thing, Karen and I." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "'Scuse me?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Roller-coastery friendship. Hot. Cold. On again. Off again. Sexual tension filled type of deal. It's very Sam and Diane." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "From 'Cheers'." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yup." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "And another thing about the Indian people... they love sex positions. I present to you the Kama Sutra. I mean look at that. Who's seen that before?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "I have. That's the 'Union of the Monkey'." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Oh, that's what they call it." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "This is the best meeting we've ever had." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you, Kevin." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I find this incredibly offensive." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, I find it beautiful." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Well, whatever Kelly wants to do in her own house is fine but we shouldn't all be subjected to it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No..." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Actually, she's right. This isn't appropriate. Why don't I take these." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, You're not going to collect them." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. This is delightful, charming culture." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "My Indian Culture Seminar was going great until Toby decided that he was too immature to deal with culturally explicit images. It's just sex. People... everybody does it. I'm doing it... with Carol! Probably tonight." } ], [ { "character": "Josh", "line": "All right. Think you guys should be all set. Oh, here's the corporate card for dinner." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Thanks." }, { "character": "Josh", "line": "And Karen? Let's keep it to twenty dollars a person this time." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Got it." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Once a quarter, the sales staff at this branch has to stay late to do order form consolidation... which, amazingly, is even less interesting than it sounds." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "You guys ready to party?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What's that?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I said are you ready TO PARTY!" } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Isn't this fun? Not wearing shoes?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I wish some of us still had our shoes on." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Stop it. It's a disease! I've told you." } ], [ { "character": "Carol", "line": "[wearing cheerleader costume] I thought you said this was a costume party!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[points at woman] What does that look like to you?" }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "An Indian woman in a sari." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No one's even going to notice." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Nice outfit." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, Kevin. It's a costume. Why don't you just cool it, okay? Carol? Carol." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'll have one of those as well. Thank you very much. Now these are limes, lemons, onions..." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I'm a vegetarian. What can I eat?" }, { "character": "Server", "line": "It's all vegetarian." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I'll just have some bread. You used your hands." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, yuck. [spits out food]" }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "What? Too spicy?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. These s'mores are disgusting." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "They're not s'mores. They're samosas." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do you think they have any s'mores?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "All they are is chocolate, graham cracker, and marshmallow. How difficult would that have been?" } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "So, you're Kelly's sisters, huh?" }, { "character": "Girls", "line": "[laugh] Kelly Zach Braff [speaks in Hindi]" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Ruka, Nipa, Tiffany. Stop acting like such little losers and just be cool. Come on, Ryan. Come on. Leave him alone. I hate you guys." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "They said something about Zach Braff." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Don't even listen to them. They're so..." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "No, you don't..." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Very official." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I decided to come. Uh... I feel a little under-dressed... but at least I'm not dressed like a slutty cheerleader, right? Is that mean?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Temp! Temp! Pflut! Pflut!" } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I don't even want to hear it. Okay. I didn't come this Diwali to get yelled at!" }, { "character": "Kelly's Mom", "line": "Stop it right now. Ryan is a temporary worker, makes no money. Wally is a whole doctor. So handsome." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Uh... excuse me. I want to get a..." }, { "character": "Kelly's Mom", "line": "He's a perfect match." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey, Big Tuna, you ready?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yep." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "One. Two. Three. Shot!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, Holy Mother of God." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, that burns! Golly. Um..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Good." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Ooh." } ], [ { "character": "Overhead", "line": "[song by Beyonce Knowles] Looking so crazy, my baby. I'm not myself lately. I'm foolish. I don't do this. I've been playing myself. Baby I don't care. Cuz your love got the best of me. And baby you're making a fool of me." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wow, thirty years? And you two only met once before the wedding night?" }, { "character": "Kelly's Father", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wow." }, { "character": "Kelly's Father", "line": "How long have you been married to the cheerleader?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh! She's not a cheerleader. She thought this was a costume party! Um... no, we're not married... yet!" }, { "character": "Kelly's Mom", "line": "She is very fair." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "She is. Very fair and very kind. So... um... tell me, is your marriage the kind of thing where when you die she has to throw herself on a fire? No? Okay. It's still very cool. Ok. Thanks!" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "One. Two. Three. Shot!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh." } ], [ { "character": "Carol", "line": "Are you okay?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm going to be. [to DJ] Hi, I'm just going to get this for a sec... just a sec. [speaks in microphone] Um... everyone? I'm sorry, could I have your attention, please. Thank you. Ah-hah... Hi. Sorry. I just have an announcement to make. Um... okay. I have learned a lot about Indian culture tonight. But I have learned even more about love. And I know you're all thinking 'who is this crazy gringo and what is he talking about?' Well, I'm not crazy. Maybe I'm crazy in love. So without further ado, Carol? Carol Stills. I would like you to do me the honor of making me your husband." }, { "character": "Crowd", "line": "Awww!" }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "Oh, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What do you say?" }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "Can we talk about this in private?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I didn't hear you. [laughs]" }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "[louder] Can we talk about this in private?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[lowers microphone] Oh, you've got to be kidding me. Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. I get it. I get it. You're not ready. We'll wait. This is a classic..." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "This is the ninth date, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, well, but I ... I feel like I've known you many lifetimes. Maybe I'm Hindu after all. Okay, I'm not Hindu, but... Carol. Carol, I just... I feel like... I just like you so much." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "I better go. Okay, you can find a way home, all right?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok. Okay. Good night. [louder] Hey, you know what? Why don't I come with you. Cause I've got this book called the Kama Sutra." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "Okay, good night, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right. Good night." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Well, I was a Temp but I got promoted. So, um... the compensation is a lot more competitive." }, { "character": "Kelly's Mom", "line": "So you're saving money..." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Kelly's Mom", "line": "...to start a family and home." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Oh, um... or travel. And,um... and buy an Xbox." }, { "character": "Kelly's Father", "line": "Is there anything you wanted to ask us tonight?" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Can you believe my boss proposed to his girlfriend in public? That is so Michael." }, { "character": "Young Man", "line": "Is it? He's really outgoing, huh?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah. Hey, would you excuse me for a second?" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's hot in there. How's the naan?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Dry. You look like you were having fun." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I am. You should come dance with us." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I have to watch our shoes so they don't get stolen. Who were you texting?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No one." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[sings Indigo Girls] I went to the doctor. I went to the mountains. I looked to the children..." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Andy, no acappella." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[sings] I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain." }, { "character": "Andy & Jim", "line": "[sing] There's more than one answer to these questions pointing me in a crooked line" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Wait, wait." }, { "character": "Andy & Jim", "line": "[sing] the less I seek my source..." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Oh, come on, guys. Please." }, { "character": "Andy & Jim", "line": "[sing] the closer I am to fi-i-i-ne. The closer I am to.." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "It's not good." }, { "character": "Andy & Jim", "line": "[sing] fi-i-i-ine!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "TUNA! Are you kidding me!!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, God! [chokes on food] Oh. Wow." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Here. [hands drink]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's so spicy." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh. You waiting for a call?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Uh... no." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wow. Pam. When Carol said 'No.' tonight, I think I finally realized how you must be feeling. We are both the victims of broken engagements." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, you were never really engaged." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I was in that marriage arena, though." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah. Uuuuh... well." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I kind of thought something would happen tonight too." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We're so alike. So alike. [leans in to kiss her]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm rejecting your..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm... what? I didn't" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "...kiss." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[scoffing noises] Can I have a ride home?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "If you sit in the back." } ], [ { "character": "Karen", "line": "Goodnight, guys." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Can I have a ride, man? I... uh... I have my bike." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No way, dude. I am not driving home. I have brought an inflatable bed for just such occasions. You're welcome to share it though. It's a roomy twin." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Hey dummy, get in the car!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm a drunk driver." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Yes, you are. Here. Let me take that. Just... uh... get in the car." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Man, you can really hold your liquor, Billabelli." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Yeah, you can't." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No kidding. And I am just going to lie down in the back, if that's all right." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Sure. Here's your bag. Just don't puke on anything. You okay?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "So good." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Good." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "These are not my shoes. This is just like that show 'Taxi Cab Confessions'." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You say one more word; I'm stopping the car." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sorry." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "This is going out to Indians everywhere. It's a tribute to one of the greats... Mr. Adam Sandler. [sings] Diwali is a festival of lights. Let me tell you something. Tonight has been one crazy night. So put on your saris, it's time to celebrate Diwali. Everybody looks so jolly. But it's not Christmas, it's Diwali. The goddess of destruction Kali stopped by to celebrate Diwali. Don't invite any zombies to a celebration of Diwali. Along came Polly to have some fun at Diwali. If you're Indian and you love to party, have a happy, happy, happy, happy Diwali. Happy Diwali!" }, { "character": "Crowd", "line": "[loud clapping, cheering, and whistling]" } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "How do I explain this to Jan?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Um, well, basically, it's like a really big party, and everybody gets super-dressed up, and there's a bunch of different gods, and each of the gods has a special power, like the Care Bears, you know?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, please, stop talking. Three words or less." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Like, an Indian Halloween?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "An Indian Halloween. Okay, great. [to phone] Pam, could you put Jan on, please?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[on phone] Michael, you're on with Jan." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hello, Jan." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Michael, what is this about you letting everyone leave work early today?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, I was letting everybody go to the big Diwali party." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "What is Diwali?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What is Diwali?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You don't know what Diwali is? Wow, Jan. I'm surprised. It's the Hindu festival of lights. I just assumed you'd be familiar with it. It's the most sacred and honored Hindu holiday in the world. It's like Christmas, Easter, and Halloween---" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Mich---" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "---rolled into one." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I bet you're not even aware that our own Kelly Kapoor, who works in..." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Um, customer service." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "... customer service is a Hindu person." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Yes, of course, I know Kelly." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I thought she was Muslim." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "What? I'm not Muslim!" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Well, I think it sounds lovely. I think it sounds like a good idea." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You do?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Yes, of course. It's important to celebrate our company's rich diversity. And, and in fact, Michael, if you had planned better, we might have been able to charter a bus to the event---" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, I dunno about that." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "---or, or, or been a sponsor for the party itself." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "For Kelly, that seems a bit much." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Hey, one person is an integral part of the fabric---" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[hangs up]" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "She's so wonderful." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, you should see her naked." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I had promised Carol a romantic evening on the town. Um, I wanted to take her on this spooky hay ride thing, but it was like seventy dollars a person, and she's allergic to hay. So I said, \"Pop a Claritin, and I will spot you the seventy bucks,\" and she's like \"I don't like to borrow money or take unnecessary medication.\" And I'm like, \"Well you're really not gonna like what I slipped in your drink last night.\" And she's like, \"What the hell are you talking about?\" And I'm like, \"I'm kidding. I didn't put a roof...\" [cracks himself up] ... We laughed so hard... It was hilarious... oh... [calms down] So yes, I'm very excited about the Diwali party." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "For Diwali 07, you must consider Scrantonicity. For a fraction of the cost of this DJ, you could have the rocking sound stylings of a Police cover band." }, { "character": "Mrs. Kapoor", "line": "No Police cover." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "No, okay, well, let me send you a demo, and... Better yet, I'll give Kelly the demo, and she can give it to you. It'll save us both on postage." }, { "character": "Mr. Kapoor", "line": "[nods]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Excellent." } ], [ { "character": "Carol", "line": "You're the temp!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Um, yeah. [shakes her hand] Ryan." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "Hi, I'm Carol." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Hi, nice to meet you." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "The wavy brown hair and blue eyes." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Ah." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "Michael talks about you... a lot." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "Top of your class at business school, and you live on Shady Hill Road, right?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Wow, um... Sorry you had to..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Does Michael talk about me a lot?" }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "[pause] Yes." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "He does? What does he say." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "He says... \"I love him.\" He loves you." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "At Cornell, in my fraternity, my house name was \"Hubble\" because I was so good at finding a party. I was like a powerful space telescope, so... Freshman year, when my skin was still really bad, they called me El Guapo." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah. Big Tuna, tuna?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nope, I got eel." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[speechless]" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "[looking for Jim's sushi] Eel... eel." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Didn't see that coming." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "And perhaps the most important person to Indian culture, Sir Ben Kingsley. Because of him, the British left India, and then he became an actor like Ronald Reagan." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Your shirt is buttoned wrong." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So, any questions?" } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Karen", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Who are you faxing so early in the morning?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, umm... kinda hard to explain." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I don't have a ton of contact with the Scranton branch, but, before I left, I took a box of Dwight's stationery, so, from time to time, I send Dwight faxes. From himself. From the future. [reading fax] \"Dwight, at 8 A.M. today, someone poisons the coffee. Do not drink the coffee. More instructions will follow. Cordially, Future Dwight.\"" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No![knocks coffee out of Stanley's hand.] You'll thank me later." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "There she is - Jan Levinson. First..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "...thing in the morning. Love to start my morning with a hearty bowl of Jan." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[singing] Just call me Levinson in the morning, baby." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I am here to tell you that we are closing the Scranton branch." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't understand." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "The board voted last night to close your branch." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "On whom's authority?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "The board's." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I'm very sorry. I don't relish telling you this. You've been a big part of this company, and the board asked me to thank you for your years of service." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're welcome." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "A small number of people will be transferred to the Stamford branch, and the rest will be getting severance packages." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Am I a small number person or a severance package person?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Well, we haven't made final decisions about personnel yet. But you're a severance package person." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh... [burrys head in hands] Oh, my god. Oh, my god! I don't really get it 'cause we're not doing that bad and our numbers are gonna come up." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Well, it's not all about numbers, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "It's... it's about talent." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, you gotta be... Josh?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Our CFO believes that Josh is going to play an important role in our company's future." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh really, what role is that? King of the stupid universe?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "It is an outrage, that's all. It's... hey're making a huge, huge mistake. Let's see Josh replace these people. Let's see Josh find another Stanley. You think Stanleys grow on trees? Well they don't. There is no Stanley tree. Do you think the world is crawling with Phyllises? Show me that farm. With Phyllises and Kevins sprouting up all over the place. Ripe for the plucking. Show me that farm." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pictures. Memories. [Picks up a framed photo of Stanley's daughter from Stanley's desk] Look at that. They grow up so fast." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey stranger." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Don't say that. That just sounds weird. Please." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Sorry. I just feel like we haven't talked in awhile." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well... we have nothin to talk about, Dwight. Just do your work ... while you still can." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "When you become close with someone, you develop a kind of sixth sense. You can read their moods like a book. And right now, the title of Michael's book is, \"Something Weird is Going On.\" Colon, \"What Did Jan Say? The Michael Scott Story. By Michael Scott, with Dwight Schrute.\"" } ], [ { "character": "Karen", "line": "Hey, um... did you hear about your friends in Pennsylvania? Rumor has it that the Scranton Branch is... [clicks her tongue to her mouth motions chopping off a head]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Really? Wow... that's bad." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Um, sorry... the Scranton branch is closing? [Karen nods and Andy looks at Jim] In your face!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, I work here now." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Mmmm.. suck-ah!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Are you okay?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, great! Amazing. Best physical condition of my life." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What did Jan want?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nothing. Just checking in. I can't tell you, so..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What can't you tell me?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nothing, Pam.[whispers to himself] What difference does it make? We'll be gone in a couple of weeks anyway." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What?!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You just said that we're gonna be gone...?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do I have any messages?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael, what's going on?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok, ok..." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[facing the whole office] Listen up, everybody... I have some news. We are screwed. Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton is being shut down." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Michael, uh... we shouldn't be talking about this until all the decisions have been made." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You knew about this all along, didn't you?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Jan told me just a few minutes before she told you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Traitor. You are a traitor." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "What about us, Michael? Do we still have jobs?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't know. Probably not. This is the worst." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "It makes perfect sense that it would happen today because I just received this in the mail. [holds up cards] A thousand business cards with this address and phone number." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "I don't want to blame anyone in particular. I think everyone's to blame." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "If I get to stay and Ryan is laid off, I will kill myself. Like Romeo and Juliet, the Claire Danes one." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[surrounded by clapping coworkers] Stamford, Connecticut! Stamford, Connecticut!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I worked in Scranton for a really long time. And uh, it's going to be weird that it's all disappearing. I mean, I always knew that the branch would shut down someday. I just figured it would be because Michael sold the building for some magic beans." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I couldn't be happier. I'm gonna take the severance and retire. My wife and I are gonna travel. [chuckles] I really couldn't be happier." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's a blessing in disguise. Actually, not even in disguise. Sometimes at home, I answer the phone, \"Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam.\" So, maybe that'll stop now." } ], [ { "character": "Roy", "line": "What does that mean?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Well, some of us are fired and a few are going to Connecticut." } ], [ { "character": "Roy", "line": "I don't really want to work here without Pam. You know that Cinderella song, \"You Don't Know What You Got (Till It's Gone)\"? That pretty much says it better than how I know how to say it... in words." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Hey Mike." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Darryl. Noble Darryl. [sighs]" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Look, I heard about the office. Tough break." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know, I know. Well, I'll land on my feet. Don't worry about me." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I wasn't." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So, you'll be okay too. You're a warrior. You're smart, capable. You'll find something else and..." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Actually, Bob Vance bought out the warehouse. So he's keeping on the whole crew. So, we good." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Awesome." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "This is my house. The CFO is taking away my house and giving it to Josh. And Josh is giving the garage to Bob Vance." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right, listen up. Some of you may have heard some rumors about the branch closing. But, I am not going to take this lying down. I have a plan and I am going to save our jobs. So just hang in there. [Looks at Dwight] Let's go." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, good... you're bringing Dwight." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes. This might get ugly. I need backup." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What's the plan?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Go to New York, confront the CFO, show him he's making a mistake... save the branch." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Can I drive?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No... way." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Shotgun!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. There's no one else." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Still." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thank you very much. [hangs up cell phone] Okay, secretary says Wallace is away for the day and won't be coming back into the office." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, okay. Um..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "But, do not worry. I have his home address right [presses cell phone button] here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Christmas card list." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You sent him cards? You never met him." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "But when I do, we'll have something to talk about." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, do you have a second?" }, { "character": "Josh", "line": "Sure, what's up?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I know it's not definite or whatever, but uh, do you know who's coming over here from Scranton?" }, { "character": "Josh", "line": "I honestly don't. I don't know." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, so is it like sales or... accountants?" }, { "character": "Josh", "line": "You know what, Jim, I wouldn't worry about it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What does that mean?" } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Josh", "line": "Jan, hey." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Oh, good. You're both here. Ready to talk logistics?" } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[to Kelly] I just feel like it could have been something special if we could have kept working together, but I'm gonna go someplace else and you're gonna go someplace else. It just doesn't make sense." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "This kinda worked out perfectly for me. I got some good experience. Uh, Michael's gonna write me a great recommendation. And as far as me and Kelly goes, I think it's for the best." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, this is it. [runs up the stairs of CFO's house, with Dwight] This is exactly what Michael Moore does, famous documentarian. He goes up to people with a camera and he's like \"Why did you do this? Why did you pollute? You are bad. You're a bad person.\" It's very dramatic. Although, I can't say I was a big fan of 'Bowling for Columbine', because I thought it was going to be a bowling movie, like 'Kingpin'. And it wasn't. It was something else." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "So, Josh will be running what is now called Dunder-Mifflin ,Northeast, which is all the offices north of Stamford. And Jim, fi you want the job, you'll be his number two." }, { "character": "Josh", "line": "Wow. Uh, sure. Absolutely." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Awesome." }, { "character": "Josh", "line": "Excuse me, Jan, I'm sorry... I'm gonna have to stop you there. I, um, will not be taking the job." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Wha... excuse... why not?" }, { "character": "Josh", "line": "As of today, I have accepted a senior managment position at Staples." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Today?" }, { "character": "Josh", "line": "[nods]" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "You leveraged your new position with us into another offer?" }, { "character": "Josh", "line": "[sighs]" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Damn it, Josh. This whole restructuring thing was based around keeping you. I..." }, { "character": "Josh", "line": "I'm sorry, all right? It's done, it's done." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I'm gonna make some calls." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Say what you will about Michael Scott, but he would never do that." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So, do you know what you're gonna say when he shows up?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I will improvise. I will speak from the heart." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No. Bad idea. You need an attack plan. Here, I'll be him, you be you. Let's practice." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[as David Wallace] Dum, dum, dum, dum... coming home from work." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Excuse me, Mr. Wallace? David Wallace?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes? What is the meaning of this?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Can you tell us why you are shutting down Scranton and putting 15 people out of work?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, the branch is no longer finicially viable. It's simple dollars and cents." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, but these are employees, Sir. These are human beings." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Listen, Scott... we're losing money, okay? It's not a charity; it's a business. And it's a dying business." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[no longer talking to Dwight as Wallace] Stop... stop it! Just, okay. He's not going to say any of that." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[as himself] Whoa hey, why not?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Because he'd be intimidated and I, just... let's start again. Just be more scared of me, okay?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Don't touch me this time." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[as David Wallace] Dum, dum, dum, du, doy, du, do... coming home from work..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Excuse me, Mr. Wallace?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[frightened] Uh!" } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "So... we are still scrambling here. But uh, it looks like Scranton is going to absorb Stamford." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "And I know that you just left there a couple of months ago, but we would like to offer you the number two position at that branch." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, it's just I'm not sure if I um... well to be quite honest with you, Jan, I have a few unpleasant memories of Scranton. And um..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Michael." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No. No, no. Just um... some personal stuff. And I'm not really ready to revist that, I don't think." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Ah. Well, please think about it. And call me. We will do whatever we can to get you to stay." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Hey guys. Uh, I'm trying to organize a little group lunch for everybody since you know, we're never gonna see each other again." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Where are we going?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I thought maybe DJ's." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "How about Cugino's?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I don't want to go all the way to Dunmore." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "How 'bout Cooper's then?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No seafood." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "But, I don't want to go to DJ's." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oh, now all of a sudden you get picky?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Okay, forget it. [walks away]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hooters?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ah. [takes a gulp of Gatorade and passes the bottle to Michael] Here, replinish your fluids." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[takes bottle and cleans off cap with his tie]" } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "[in Scranton] Where's Michael?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "He's not here. I don't know where he is." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "[looks around, noticing that no one is working] Wha... what's going on here?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "We know the branch is closing; Michael told us." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Ah, god. Okay. You know what everybody? I'm sure there is a better way to do this but I've drive something like 400 miles today and I'm completely exhausted so I'm just gonna tell you. Your branch is not closing; Stamford is closing. Um, for the time being, it seems that all your jobs are safe." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yes!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yes! [hugs Angela]" } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Stanley! [hugs Stanley]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Is it because of Michael? Did he actually do something?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Well, reasons are not important. Would you just call him, please? Wherever he is... and tell him." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Sure, uh, Jan... um, do you know, is anyone coming back to Scranton?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Back?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Coming to Scranton. Is anyone coming to Scranton?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Uh, we don't know. Probably. A few." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[referring to Michael's ringing phone] who is it?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "The office." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Gonna get it?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, not until I have some good news for them. Not until I have some good news." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I guess some new people might be coming from Stamford. Should be fun. New blood." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Is Jim coming back." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That's, um... I hadn't thought about it, huh." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I just don't want it to be weird, you know? I mean, I took his old job and his old desk." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, that might be weird. Overall though, we still all have our jobs... so, good news, right?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Oh, yeah, totally." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Ahhhhh! [hugs Ryan] I'm so happy we don't have to break up now, Ryan! [kisses him] This is the best day of my whole l ife!" } ], [ { "character": "Karen", "line": "What you gonna do?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I really don't know. How you doing with all this?" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "You know, I'm fine. I'll be better when I know if I have a job." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You'd actually move to Scranton?" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Yeah, if they let me, I think I... I think I would." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "New York City is 45 minutes down the road from here. And you wanna move to Scranton? I dunno. If I were you I'd move to New York?" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Yeah, you know... I might do that. I, who knows? I... I might do that." } ], [ { "character": "Josh", "line": "Hey Andy!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[after screaming and throwing papers around in the kitchen] What's up, Josh?" }, { "character": "Josh", "line": "I just want to say thanks. Good luck." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Thanks, man. You, too. Totally." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Anything?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Nothing. [puts down binoculars]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What if this doesn't work? What is the office actually goes under?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Then it was an honor to have worked with you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[pats Dwight and sighs] All right, favorite moments in Dunder-Mifflin history. Go." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "My first day when you hazed me by spraying me with a fire extinguisher." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That was hilarious. The foam ..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Uh,... my first sale, my promotion to assistant regional manager, our basketball game, when you took me to the hospital, and told me that you cared about me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, right. Okay, that's enough. That's good." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What were your favorite moments?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, hmm, all of them. I loved them all. Every single one." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What about when Jan said the branch was closing?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "God, Dwight!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, it doesn't..." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hey Pam, we're going to Poor Richards. Creed's buying shots." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No thanks, guys." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Have fun though." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Cool." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Hey, I hear Jim's coming back." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Really? Where did you hear that?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I was..." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[interupting] Hey Ryan, you coming?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Uh yeah, we'll meet you there." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Awesome. Let's go, Phyllis." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "[to Pam] I'll tell you later." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Roy", "line": "Crazy day, huh?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Yeah, man! I'm uh... I'm really glad you're still gonna be working here." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, me too." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Maybe this is good. Finding another job is a pain. There's another annoying boss, another desk, I'd have to learn everything all over again. So, there are reasons to stay." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, um, I think I am gonna take that job. And Scranton... it's not that bad. So, if they offer you a job there, I think you should take it." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Okay, yeah. Maybe I will." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Karen", "line": "Yeah, I'm happy he said that. I mean, I don't think he's into me or anything, but, I'm kind of into him. So...there you go." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "What are we still doing here? It's over. Let's go home. Get the car." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[picks up his beeping cell phone]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, this was such a stupid idea! This was so stupid. I am such a stupid idiot. I let everybody down. Everybody hates me. I lost everybody's jobs. Nobody likes me anymore!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[on the phone] Oh my God!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What?!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Stranford is closed! Michael, we're not closed. Stamford is closed. Stamford is closed." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We did it? We did it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "We did it!" }, { "character": "Michael & Dwight", "line": "We did it! We did it!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Right here! Right here! [pounds his chest against Dwight's]" }, { "character": "Michael & Dwight", "line": "Ouu! Ou! Ouu! Ouu!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, baby!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "In your face!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We did it!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, man." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "How did we do it?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I don't ... have no idea." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't understand." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Well for a minute there, I saw myself selling my house, moving to Costa Rica, learning how to surf. But, Costa Rica will still be there. When I'm 65." } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "The Stamford branch is closing and everybody's just packing up their stuff. Andy Bernard made these tasteful hats." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[to office worker] That's the other thing you got to watch out... [to Jim] Yo! Tuna! I wanna talk to you about this new boss, Michael Scott." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "So what's he like? Likes? Dislikes? Favorite sports? Favorite movies? Favorite men's magazines?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know what? I think you just need to meet him." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Playing your cards close to the vest. I get it. Good luck over there, Tuna. Cross me and I will destroy you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Sounds good Andy." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "This is going to be an adventure." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes. This is going to be very interesting. All right, I'm out of here. See you later?" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Right on. [to Andy] Hey is that Josh's computer?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What?" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey!" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "How'd the run go?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Ah, pretty good. I finished." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That's great!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Psh, why is that great?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Because he accomplished something." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What was your mile time?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "About seven." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[scoffs] I could beat that on a skateboard." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Well, that has wheels." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, well my feet don't. And I can still crush that time." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Really, Dwight? How fast are you?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Let's just put it this way. Last weekend I outran a black pepper snake." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Really?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I am fast. To give you a reference point. I'm somewhere between a snake and a mongoose. And a panther." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Man, what is taking Toby so long?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, I'll just time him later." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And you'll compare the times?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah. Are you ready?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, my groin..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Set" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "...is really tight." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Go!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I can't... [starts running]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Am I being mean to Dwight? I don't know. I did just make him run around the building and I have no intention of timing him. This isn't even a stopwatch. It's a digital thermometer. He does make my life harder, sometimes. And on purpose. Like he tried to put meters on the bathroom stalls as a way of bringing in more money for the company. [yells to Dwight] Hey, three more laps to go. Gotta pick it up if you're going to beat Toby." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Aaaaah!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I should probably get back to work." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Here... Who's here?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Nametag?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, please." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Karen Filippelli." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Karen Filip... [In Italian voice] Ka-ren Fili-pell-li." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Probably Italian. Possibly Filipino." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "My branch is absorbing the Stamford branch. Or, as I like to put it, my family is doubling in size. That's all I'm going to say about it because I have a gigantic performance ahead of me. And I have to get into my head and focus. [exhales]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Who's next?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's Andy Bernard." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Andy Bernard." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "If I were you..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Saint Bernard." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "...I would fire Anthony Gardner..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "...before noon..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm not..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "...to consolidate power." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm not firing somebody on the first day." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, no, no! Not somebody. Gardner." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The Japanese camp guards of World War II always chose one man to kill whenever a batch of new prisoners arrived. I always wondered how they chose the man who was to die. I think I would have been good at choosing the person." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Good morning!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Got the food? Good! Looky-looky-looky. What I want you to do... set it up in the conference room, please. Make it look nice. As if you are trying to impress a much older man who's way out of your league." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes! I'm in a good mood today! I'm excited to meet all the new people and to see my old friend again, definitely. That's always a thing that makes people happy... to have an old friend back." } ], [ { "character": "Hannah", "line": "Hello?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ah! Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding. Our first arrival. Welcome to Scranton. This is Hannah Smoterich-Barr." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hannah Smoterich-Barr." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Welcome to our humble abode. Follow me to your desk. Your ball and chain is right over here." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know for a lot of these people this is the only family they have. So... As far as I'm concerned, [holds up WORLD'S BEST BOSS mug] this says 'World's Best Dad'." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ah! There he is Tony... what's your last name?" }, { "character": "Tony", "line": "Gardner." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Gardner! I knew that. There you go. Gift bag... for you. [laughs] Okay." }, { "character": "Tony", "line": "Thanks." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Michael, I didn't get a gift bag." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, they're just for guests. If there are any left over, you can buy one later." }, { "character": "Hannah", "line": "My bag's mostly pencils." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wh..and coupons... to various hot spots around Scranton. [to Tony] All right! Let me show you to your area, sir. Come on, big guy." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Can I have your pencils?" }, { "character": "Hannah", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hi!" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm Pam." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Karen. I love your sweater." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, thanks. My Mom made it for me." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Really? That's so cool. I've always wanted to learn..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Welcome." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "...to knit." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Welcome, welcome, welcome! [in robot voice] Take me to your leader. Oh wait, I am your leader." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Uh wait, are you a robot or a Martian?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mmm... dah. I am actually your boss, Michael Scott. Welcome. Wow! You are very exotic looking. Was your dad a G.I. or uh?" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'll be the Number Two guy here in Scranton in six weeks. How? Name repetition, personality mirroring, and never breaking off a handshake. I'm always thinking one step ahead. Like a carpenter that makes stairs." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hello." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ah! You must be Andy Bernard. Aloha and welcome!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "And you must be Michael Scott. Aloha and... hello." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "A-ha-ha-ho. Very good! Welcome to our little kingdom. Ah, we have a bag of nifty gifties for you." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Michael, thank you for welcoming me to your little kingdom, Mike." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Nifty!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "They are nifty! They're nifty gifties." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know who I really like? Is this guy Andy Bernard. He has got this very likable way about him." } ], [ { "character": "Martin", "line": "...which is why they need a passing game." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Right." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[to Jim] No way. Get him out of here. We don't want any of this kind in here. Good to see you, man." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[to Martin] How are you? Martin Nash, I presume? This is a little gift bag for you." }, { "character": "Martin", "line": "Oh! Thanks." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Free of charge. Follow me, I will show you where all the slaves work. [shakes head] Not... so, your desk is..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hi, I'm Jim. I'm new here." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh my god! It's really you!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, I was just doing a little joke there about how we'd never met..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I know. I don't care." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Awesome! Good to be back. The place looks really good." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's really good to see you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You, too." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Where do I stand with Pam? Um... no idea. I mean, we're friends. Always have been friends. Um... .that is where we stand." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged in from Stamford." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Fact - I am older. I am wiser. Do not mess with me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay. Sounds good." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I don't know what you're talking about." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I have a smudge on my forehead?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No. Looks good." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Why are you looking at my forehead?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm not." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Meet my eye line, Jim!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I am." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Stop acting like an idiot!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Hey, buddy. Welcome back." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey! How are you man? Good to see... you." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I'm good! How are you? So..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, I'm sorry. Are you sitting here now?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Um... unless you really, really want it back." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know, man, it's really you're call." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Cool, thank you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[whispers] Let me get that for you." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yuh." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "This one taken? No. Good." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah. Jim is a nice guy. That's why I got the desk." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Hey, this came with the Stamford book. [Sets down box that says: Personnel Files Stamford CT Office Confidential] Can you take care of it?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh, yes I can." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "In general, they do not give me much responsibility. But they do let me shred the company documents. And that is really all I need." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Michael Scott. Thank you. I appreciate it, Mike." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Right." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hello. I don't believe we've been introduced. Dwight Schrute. Assistant Regional Manager." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Andy Bernard. Regional Director in Charge of Sales." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So you'll be reporting to me, then." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Umm, on the contrary." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "My title has 'Manager' in it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "And I'm a director." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Which on a film set is the highest title there is. Do you know anything about film?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I know everything about film. I've seen over 240 of them." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Congratulations." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, Toby!" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Hey, Jim!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "How are you, man?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Oh, really good." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I just wanted to say hi." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "How are you? Hey. Welcome back. [puts out fist to bump]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh. Is that like your new thing?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "No, I'm sorry, it's..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No. It's cool." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "No, it's nothing. We'll just... [shakes hand]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right. Good to be back." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "So... okay." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "All right... sorry... sorry about that." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No problem." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "It was just..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[off camera] ...what?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Nothing." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "This thing is so awesome. It will shred anything. Ooh! It will shred a CD. It will shred... a credit card. It will shred... oh! [whispers] Shoot." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[talking to himself] I present the orientation video." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "We need to talk!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Not now." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Which is higher? Assistant Regional Manager or Regional Director in Charge of Sales?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I told you the titles are irrelevant. They just relate to pay scale." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay. So who gets paid more? Me or Andy?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It is not a matter of more or less. Your pay is just different. Okay? All right! Show time, part one." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ok. Who reports to who?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't care! Dwight! You all report to me! That's all that matters! The rest of it just work out amongst yourselves, ok?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And then if I want..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Work it out amongst your selves!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Please! I have a company to run. Well, you let me run the company?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Will you?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "One..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Please?" } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Jim!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Kelly!" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh! Oh my god! I have so much to tell you!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Yes! Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes? They had a baby and they named it Suri. And then Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie? They had a baby, too, and they named it Shiloh. And both babies are amazing!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Great. What's new with you?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I just told you." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. Everybody settled in? Good. Why don't we all proceed in to the conference room? Or, should I say, the banquet hall. For... drum roll, please [makes drum roll noises], the official Merger Day All-Family Welcome Breakfast. Come on in!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yoko shack." }, { "character": "Male voice", "line": "...thank you James. [laughs]" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Hey, champagne." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nope, no. Guests only." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Looks like salmon." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nope. Um... for the guests it is. For you, consider it cow-meat. Strictly taboo." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I eat beef." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, then... consider it poisoned beef. No touchy." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "The beef is poisoned?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, it's not beef... just... sit down, please. [talks to group] Welcome. Help yourself." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Um... You might want these orientation materials." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wrong. Toby, this is an orientation not a borientation.[talks to group] Okay. Do not worry. All of your questions are about to be answered. Cell phones and pagers off, please." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, this looks promising." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You won't be disappointed." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Let's face it. Moving to a new job can be very stressful. So I have made an orientation video especially for you newcomers. But it's not like any orientation video that any of you have ever seen. It's funny. It's got a little bit of a zing to it and I hope that it gives you a flavor of what we're all about here at Dunder Mifflin. And what we're all about here in Scranton. So let's just all laugh together and watch \"Lazy Scranton\"." } ], [ { "character": "Video", "line": "[Lazy Scranton Video]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sittin' in my office with a plate of grilled bacon, call my man Dwight just to see what was shakin'." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yo Mike, our town is dope and pretty." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So check out how we live" }, { "character": "Michael & Dwight", "line": "in the Electric City!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "They call it Scranton." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "The Electric City. Scranton." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "The Electric City. Call poison control if you're bit by a spider." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "But check that it's covered by your health care provider!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "It reminds me of the orientation video showed on my first day. 'The Scranton Witch Project'." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[in video] I am so scared... when people don't label their personal food." } ], [ { "character": "Video", "line": "[Lazy Scranton video continues]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You like coal mines and you wanna see 'em, Well, check it out, yo, the Anthracite Museum! Plenty of space in the parking lot," }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "But the little cars go in the compact spot" }, { "character": "Michael & Dwight", "line": "Spot, spot, spot, spot ..." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[on video in background] Spot. Scranton. What? The Electric City. Scranton.What? The Electric City. Scranton. What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, so far, I think it is killin'. I thought it would either be an 'A' or an 'A+' but I completely forgot that there's an 'A++'." } ], [ { "character": "Karen", "line": "[recording phone message] This is Karen Filippelli. Please leave a message." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Terrible. Totally unconvincing." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "[recording] This is Karen Filippelli. Please leave a message." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Not bad, but you are Italian so... try it more Italian." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "[recording] [in bad Italian accent] Dis is Kar-en Fill-uh-pel-li. Please leava me da message. A bon danza." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You feel good?" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Mm-hm." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "[recording phone message] Karen Filippelli." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey, buddy. Anything new to report?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Do you mean to me? From you? Cause that's how it works." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Sure thing, buddy." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Am I trying to get under his skin? Yes. Because the angrier he gets, the more marginalized he becomes. Meanwhile, Andy Bernard is out there layin' on the charm." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey, Angela. Check this out. It's my new screen saver." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Do you like it?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I do like it, actually." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Thank you. You have such a pretty smile by the way." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You're welcome." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What happened to grape soda?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh yeah. I'm trying to move away from that. Getting into more of a bottled water phase." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh. You've changed so much." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, I'm evolving, Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "So when do I get to hear everything? Are you still getting unpacked or... you want to grab a coffee or something after work?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh! Um... tonight, actually? No. I'm uh just still getting settled." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, yeah, no! You know. Whenever." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh-kay. Sorry to interrupt. I..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nope. You're not interrupting anything. Nope. I'm..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Don't..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right. [to Pam] I should probably get back to work. Get back to work." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah. I know, me too." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "The day's going fine. It's been a little chaotic but it's fine. It's great! A lot of distractions. But, it's good." } ], [ { "character": "Hannah", "line": "[using breast pump] Take a picture. It'll last longer." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I'm sorry. It's just, it's a little distracting." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Ditto that, my brother." } ], [ { "character": "Hannah", "line": "Look what's on his computer." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What is that? A squid's eye or..." }, { "character": "Hannah", "line": "It's my left breast." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "How did you..." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Right place at the right time." } ], [ { "character": "Karen", "line": "Uh, what's that smell?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "What smell?" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Must be an... air freshener plugged in somewhere. It smells like a funeral home." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh, I'll help you find it." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Oh, you know. Never... .never mind." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "What is it?" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "I... I... I, uh, think I'm just allergic to your perfume." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "My perfume?" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "It's just my crazy nose. I'm... uh, used to different smells." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Bob Vance bought this perfume for me in Metropolitan Orlando. It's made from real pine." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Who's Bob Vance?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "You have a lot to learn about this town, sweetie." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I don't know who these new people think they are. I've sat downwind of Phyllis' stinky perfumes for years. Never said a word." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "People hate people that are different from them. That's natural. But you know what makes people forget their differences? A great show. That is why I created the 'Integration Celebration'. This is the moment when Scranton and Stamford come together as one. United in applause." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know what a lot of you must be thinking. 'Wow! What a day! Feels more like a night at a party than a day at work.' Well, in my opinion, business should feel like a night out. A night... at... the Roxbury. Okay. There's supposed to be music and it's... I got it, I got it! I got it. Dwight! Just." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Do you have batteries?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ssshh stupid! Um..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[sings drum beat intro to 'What is Love?']" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's it!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[sings] What is love?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, yes! Okay!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Baby, don't hurt me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, here we go." }, { "character": "Andy & Michael", "line": "Don't hurt me! Baby, don't hurt me!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Baby, don't hurt me!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh! Oh! Oh!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Whoa-oh-oh-oh" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Scuse me! Scuse me!" }, { "character": "Andy & Michael", "line": "Whoa-oh-oh-oh! Whoa-oh-oh..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You me? You me? Me you? You! You! You me! Bow Bow Bow!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Whoa-oh-oh-oh." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You me? You me? Me you me! You! You! You me you! You! Oh my nose so itchy, why's my nose so itchy!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, probably because of all the nose candy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[laughs hysterically] Okay, I told you these guys had a sense of humor." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Very funny, Michael!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay! Okay!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Really funny, Michael!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right, all right, I'm on a roll." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why are the new people on the table? To show them that we are not above them." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Shouldn't we be equals?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Not today. No. Tony! Please join your cohorts on the table if you would." }, { "character": "Tony", "line": "Uh... this is difficult, for me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I understand. We're all friends." }, { "character": "Tony", "line": "No. I mean I can't physically. I can't get on the table." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, well. Just use the momentum of your lower half to hoist yourself up." }, { "character": "Tony", "line": "[starts to climb table]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what? I'll help. I will..." }, { "character": "Tony", "line": "No, please. No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Don't be shy! Dwight! Let's do this!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Do this. Come on. Ready?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Come on. We're doing this thing! Let's get up." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "On three. One... two... three." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Bend at the knees. Okay, here we go. Here we go. I'm under this... I'm under this hock here. I don't know what I'm grabbing here." }, { "character": "Tony", "line": "All right. All right. Stop. Put me down." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We've almost got it. Push it! Push it!" }, { "character": "Tony", "line": "Let me go!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm right in your crack!" }, { "character": "Tony", "line": "Put me down right..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Up and over." }, { "character": "Tony", "line": "Put me down!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Up and over." }, { "character": "Tony", "line": "Put me down right now!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You've got it." }, { "character": "Tony", "line": "I'VE HAD ENOUGH!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You've got it, you've got it." }, { "character": "Tony", "line": "PUT ME DOWN RIGHT NOW or else!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Whoa Whoa Whoa! Okay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey, hey. Easy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Easy." }, { "character": "Tony", "line": "I'm sorry!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Don't..." }, { "character": "Tony", "line": "It's just not going to work for me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What..." }, { "character": "Tony", "line": "I have to go." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't understand." }, { "character": "Tony", "line": "I was on the fence about this and... it's just not a good fit." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, we'll squeeze you in." }, { "character": "Tony", "line": "I can't work here. I have to quit." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "You can't quit! On the first day. That's [deep voice] heresy, my friend! [regular voice] Okay, let's talk about this. What happened? I mean, what... Was it Toby? Did he say something? Cause he's... what?" }, { "character": "Tony", "line": "No. Toby was helpful. He was very kind. It's just your management style." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "My management style? So... didn't you think 'Lazy Scranton' was funny?" }, { "character": "Tony", "line": "No. Was it supposed to be funny?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. Well, don't bother quitting because you're fired." }, { "character": "Tony", "line": "Excuse me?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You are fired! I'm sorry, but we don't have quitters on this team! Just clean out your desk!" }, { "character": "Tony", "line": "But there's nothing in my desk except coupons." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Don't try to apologize to me, man! It's too late. Just get out! Take your bad vibes with you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That was my advice. Remember? I'm the one who suggested that you fire him." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Probably the best advice you ever gave me, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And what advice has Andy given to you today that you have acted on? Would 'none' be an accurate estimate? None advice? [whispers] Fire Andy. Fire. Andy." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Dwight may have won the battle. But I will win... the next battle." } ], [ { "character": "Hannah", "line": "Tony was right. This environment is dysfunctional." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Maybe that's because some people treat it like their own private Hooters strip club." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Whoa, Angela! Hold on. Hooters is a restaurant. With over 400 locations worldwide." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Back to work. We don't have to get along. We just have to work together." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. We do have to get along. Can't we all just get along? Or have we forgotten the words of the Reverend King." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "The word merger comes from the word marriage. And that was what today was supposed to be. The loving union between people. Instead, it has become like when my Mom moved in with Jeff. And once again, it becomes my job to fix it." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey! Hey, everybody! Something happened! Those guys from Vance Refrigeration, they let the air out of our tires." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah! They punk'd us! They punk'd us good! Come on. Come on!" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Does Bob Vance work for Vance Refrigeration?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Does he ever." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Man, they got us so bad. We cannot let them get away with this. We have got to pull together as one and steal their refrigerators." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "YEAH!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I don't... I don't think we can do that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Go home, Toby. Just..." }, { "character": "Martin", "line": "Hey! Why doesn't your car have a flat tire?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why? I will tell you why. Because they saved the worst for me. They put a hate note under my windshield wiper. Check this out. It's so hateful. [reads note] \"You guys SUCK! You can never pull together as one and revenge us. That is why you SUCK!\"" }, { "character": "Hannah", "line": "For crying out loud." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. No, no, no. No. You are falling for it. You're playing right into their hands. This is just what they want you to do. Don't, oh..." }, { "character": "Martin", "line": "[to Stanley] What's up with this guy?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Got an hour? I'll try to explain." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "THIS IS EGREGIOUS! This is egregious!" } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Trust me. It only gets worse." }, { "character": "Martin", "line": "Is he always like this?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Sometimes he brings more costumes." }, { "character": "Hannah", "line": "When do people work?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh, we find little times during the day." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "How are we going to get home?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Bob Vance has an air pump. He said he'd fill all our tires up." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "See that? Mission accomplished. Like a bunch of fourth graders. Sometimes, what brings the kids together is hating the lunch lady. Although that'll change. Because, by the end of the fourth grade, the lunch lady was actually the person I hung out with the most. [answers phone] Jell-o!" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Michael!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hi, Jan!" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Did you fire Tony Gardner when he was trying to quit?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I did. Major personnel crises averted. Compliment accepted." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Do you realize, Michael, that we now have to pay him severance?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "You do?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "But do you realize that that was actually Dwight's idea? Bad advice from my Number Two." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "What? No. No. No, Jim is your Number Two." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "He's the only one who has worked with both groups. I sent you a memo about this." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, I know that. For, I do read the memos." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "So after a great deal of thought and introspective-shun, I have decided to make Jim my new Number Two." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "If he even wants it. It doesn't come with a pay raise." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, it does, actually." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So who will be your new Number Three?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh... that I have not decided yet." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Michael, I would just like to say you have handled this entire situation with great aplomb." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you, Andy. That's... very kind. Thanks." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And I have to say your leadership..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Shut it..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "has brought..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Shut it! That's... [whispers to camera] suck up!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[talking on cellphone] Hey! Where you at, Filippelli?" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "[off camera] I'm at the grocery store buying a corkscrew to give myself a lobotomy." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[laughs] What's wrong? You didn't have a good first day?" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Oh my god! Hey! You want to meet at Cooper's in an hour? I need a drink." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah. Sure. Sounds good. I... . [sees Pam in rearview mirror] Hey! You know what? Can I give you a call right back?" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok, thanks." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Ok." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I thought you had already... left." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Uh... no. I just uh had some other stuff I had to do." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh... Good." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What's up?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, nothing. I just feel bad. I feel like things were a little weird today... or something." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What do you mean?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I just think I should tell you that... I've sort of started seeing someone. And uh..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh. That's totally cool. You can do whatever you want." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "O..ok. Um..good." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We're friends. We'll always be friends." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Right." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's good to have you back." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah. Good to be back." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Where'd you get that salad?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Staples." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Saw your dorkmobile in the parking lot. What does it get, like four miles to the gallon?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Uh, try double that. Classic TransAm, vintage American muscle. Please." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, my Xterra's pretty sweet. Luxurious, yet rugged. Leave it to the Japanese." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Xterra's not even a real word." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Actually, it is. It's Latin for \"earth.\"" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, so you drive an X-Earth?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That makes sense. I'd rather drive a classic TransAm than an XEarth." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, I bet you would. Oh, by the way, 1985 called. It wants its car back." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well I hope 1985 has a time machine 'cause I drive an 87." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, speaking of time machines, I just got back from the future and I went to your funeral and, guess what, nobody came." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Speaking of funerals, why don't you go ahead and go die." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, that was a really well constructed sentence. You should be an English professor at Cor-not University." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Idiot!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "If I were an idiot, I'd be driving a TransAm." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "If you were driving a TransAm, you would be the smartest idiot in the whole world." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[coughs word] Idiot!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[coughs sentence] You're the idiot!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[coughs sentence] Nice comeback!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[coughs sentence] I was making fun of your comeback! That's why it worked. [talks normally to camera] Totally got the best of that interchange." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "And this is, don't tell me, Martin... Ne... Ne...Nack." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Nash." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Martin Nash. Okay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Male, age 37..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Mocha complexion. Supplier relations. Either caught a fish or was standing next to a man who caught a fish in Key West, Florida." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What are you talking about?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[holds up piece of paper] It wasn't clear on the Google Image search." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right, just..." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, Kev. How you doing?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hey, man. Good. Listen, my M&M's are under the desk if you want any." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hidden from [whisper] them." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Smart. Good. [to Angela] Hey, Angela." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "You need a hair cut." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Bye, Angela. All right, Kev." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "See you later, Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "See you later." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[to Angela] It's his first day back." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "His hair's flipping out on the sides." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[smiles] I like it." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oh, my Lord." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "This is weird with you facing the other way." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, I never even knew that part of the office existed. [Pam chuckles] Hey, who's that guy? [Jim points to Stanley]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That's Stanley Hudson." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Huh." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "He's one of our salesmen." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Seems like a nice enough guy." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh very." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What about, uh.. [points at Meredith]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hmm, that is... Janet Fenstermaker." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[Pam nods head] You should say hi. Use her full name." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thank you for all of this. This is so helpful. You know what? One last question. Um, who is that fine older gentleman in the corner? [points to Creed]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Uh, that is Creed Bratton. He has four toes and he fought in the Civil war." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "For the North." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "For both sides. Whoever paid more." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Obviously." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Hey, uh sorry. Seriously, can you guys... I'm trying to get some work done." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Sorry. Man. [Pam hesitates and then leaves]" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Thanks." } ], [ { "character": "Karen", "line": "Hey, nice thermos." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "[notices Karen has same thermos as herself] Hey. That's funny." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "[holds out flask] Do you want a little?" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Uh no, I'm fine, thank you." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Okay. If you change your mind, you just let me know, okay?" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Yeah, I'm okay, thanks." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "That's cool." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[approaching Kevin to shake hand] Hi, Andy Bernard." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Kevin Malone." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Nice to meet you." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "What's that on your shirt? [points to Andy's shirt]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That is a penguin. You like it?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "The Penguin." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Andy, or Andrew." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Okay, Penguin. [laughs]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Smiles." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good, what's funny?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Michael, have you met the Penguin?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, nicknames, yay! Penguin power." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ha, that's why I wore this shirt." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, girls. What's happening? Startinng to blend? Well, before long, you guys keep hanging out, you guys you are gonna share the same menstrual cycle." } ], [ { "character": "Martin", "line": "[sniffs. Pans to Creed eating his mungbeans.]" } ], [ { "character": "Hannah", "line": "[pushing back desk item] Here you go." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "That was in your way?" }, { "character": "Hannah", "line": "Um" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Sorry." }, { "character": "Hannah", "line": "Yeah, I mean my stuff's coming over, but umm... is this...is this yours? [holds up travel mug]" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "[takes mug] Yes." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey Kevin." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Have you lost weight?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Well... I... Hey. You've never met me before." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I know, but you just give off the vide of a guy who's getting thinner." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Well, thanks. I appreciate that." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You're welcome." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "You know who I really like? That guy, Andy." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Can't we all get along? No, we can't. But here's the thing: yes, we can. Well, why not? Because of differeneces. Well, can we overcome these differences? No. Can we find each other and connect with each other in spite of these differences? No, we can't. But, we have to try and that is why I created the Integration Celebration." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I need somebody to pick a card. [Dwight raises hand] One of the new people, please? Tony? [Tony walks away]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[gets up] I'll do it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right. Good. Thank you. [Andy picks a card] Do not look at your card. Now, I've always said that to be a great salesman is to have the ability to connect with people right here [puts hand over heart]. So to be a great salesman is to be a king of hearts. Turn over your card." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[turns over card] King of hearts." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[starts clapping] Very good Michael. Really good. [Michael shushes Dwight]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So I think in order for us all to work together well we must come together as a family and then we can all be [starts to fan out the rest of his cards facing the group showing kings of hearts] a king of hearts." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[claps] That was fantastic." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[clapping] No, no, it's better than fantastic. It's super perfect." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight, don't, don't be a suck up." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "What I want all of you [points at Scranton branch] to do is approach one of the new people and tell them the one thing that you like most about them. Who wants to start? Who wants to give it a shot?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "[raises hand] I want to." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay Meredith, let's give it a shot." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "[to Martin] I love your complexion. It's like devil's food cake." }, { "character": "Martin", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[clapping] Beautiful. Very good, nice." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It just goes to show you, you play with fire and you are gonna singe your eyebrows. And they do not grow back the same way. [takes of glasses and points to right eyebrow]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "It is inspiring to me to watch you navigate these murky waters." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Bull... [bleep] [clears throat] Sorry." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We heard it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We heard what you said. You didn't cover it at all." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I had a tickle in my throat." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[points at camera] They're gonna have... You can't say that, all right?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I can't say [clearinng throat noise]?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[clearing throat noise] Idiot. Dwight's an idiot! Did you catch that or did... did the cough cover it?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Sometimes it hurts Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[cleaing throat] You're a jerk. Dwight's a jerk!" } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ohhhh! She's absolutely adorable!" }, { "character": "Hannah", "line": "He." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "...Oh, sorry. He's--he's dressed all in pink." }, { "character": "Hannah", "line": "That's his favorite color." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "...Oh. That's... fun for him." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Fantastic." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ohhh, wow. Look at that. How cute." }, { "character": "Hannah", "line": "Thank youuu." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ohh. May I?" }, { "character": "Hannah", "line": "Uh, sure!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[climbs under desk] Hey, look at me, I'm a baby! I'm one of those babies from \"Look Who's Talking.\" What am I thinking? [Laughs] Look at all those staplers! What's a stapler!? I don't even know, I'm a baby! Hey, Mom, I'm thirsty! I'm thirsty, Mama! I want some milk. And you know where milk comes from! Breasts." } ], [ { "character": "Karen", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "...Almost done?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Just about... yup. Now." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes. I have started to see Karen. It's very new, and... not really ready to talk about it openly yet, just because, I think, once the word gets out there, it might affect the way people behave around us or... I dunno. Just, not yet." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, Jan, it um... looks like a check, piece of paper of some sort. Receipt. I don't know." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Jan, this is Angela Martin from accounting." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "[over phone] Mmhmm." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Look, we have a rebate from... the Federal Work Opportunity Program and no one knows what that means." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "We get that money for hiring an ex-convict." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I didn't hire an ex-convict. Unless they mean Toby. Convicted rapist. [Jan sighs] ... I'm just kidding." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "When did the check come?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Last week." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Okay, that's when the branches merged, so Josh must have been taking advantage of this program. Smart move." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "One of the Stamford people is a criminal?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey Jan, speaking of Stamford, Hannah brought in her baby." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Jan, which one of the new employees is a criminal?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Uh, reformed convict, and, uh, I'm not sure. Though hang on, let me email our HR, stay on the line." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[whispering] Who is it?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hannah?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hmm." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Hmm." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Andy." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Andy?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hmm. Martin?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Kuhhhh... you are such a racist." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Wait, why am I a racist?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Because you think he's black." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "He is black... right? And..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Stop it. Stop it right-stop it right now." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "...Okay it's someone named Martin Nash." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah!" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Michael?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why did the convict have to be a black guy? It is such a stereotype. I just wish that Josh had made a more progressive choice. Like a white guy... who went to prison for... polluting a black guy's lake." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I wonder what he did." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "In our society, a black man can be arrested for almost anything. He was probably at a sporting event and... saw some people pushing each other, and he intervened." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Why would anyone go to jail for that?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sssssso, what we need to do... is to forget about this whole Martin in prison thing. People will draw unfair conclusions about Martin and or black people." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Cool." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay. Angela?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Sure. Let's protect the convicts. At the expense of the general feeling of safety in the workplace. As a 90-pound female that sits in an ill-lit, rarely-visited corner of the office, naturally I agree with that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good. All right. [everyone leaves]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[picks up phone] Jim Halpert." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[over phone] I am so horny." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "...Okay I can't... help you... with that." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, I think you can, Big Tuna. Tell me about that Indian chick, Kelly. She seems pretty slutty. Good for a romp in the sack." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "She is dating Ryan, I think." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, and I care why?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "She's... high-maintenance." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Next. How about... [motions toward Angela]. Blondes are more fun. C'mon, trust me on that." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, trust me, that would be fun for no one." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Okay fine. Um. Pam, the receptionist. Paaam. Should I go for it?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "...Absolutely you should." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Jackpot." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just... try to be cool." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I am cool." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, are you cool, really?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm cool, I'm cool, I'm so cool. Tell me what is going on." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um... Martin, from Stamford, was, at one time, in prison. [Dwight starts to run] No. Dwight! Be cool! Be cool!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I am greatly concerned about having a convict in the office. And I do not care if that convict is white, black, Asian, German, or some kind of halfsy. I do not like criminals." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "All... righty, let's get started. What is she into?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I know Pam pretty well. I know the things that she likes, and, just as important, I know the things that she hates. So, one of the things that she likes is pranks. And, the things that she hates..." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Frisbee-based competitions..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Are you kidding?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "She..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I started the main Frisbee golf club at Cornell. Where I went to college. I live to frolf." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Lead off with that. She loves hunting. She also loves those ads for Six Flags, with the old guy. [Andy hums Six Flag ad] Got it. Also... do you speak pig latin?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey Martin, how's it going?" }, { "character": "Martin", "line": "Good. Getting settled, you know?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ah. Good good. Good. Just a second. Everybody? May I have your attention please? I realize that a lot of you have already heard that Martin here has had some trouble with the law, but I just want to declare publicly that I... trust... him, completely, and that anybody who doesn't is an ignorant, dumb... person. Okay? As a matter of fact, you show me a white man you trust and I will show you a black man that I trust even more. Pam. Tell me a white person you trust." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "My dad." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "...Danny Glover. [Jim raises hand] Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Jonas Salk." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Who?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Justin Timberlake?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh. Please. Colin Powell." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Hey I got one." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yup." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Jesus." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Apollo Creed." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Close your eyes. Picture a convict. What's he wearing? Nothing special, baseball cap on backwards, baggy pants... he says something ordinary like... 'yo, thats shizzle.' Okay. Now slowly open your eyes again. Who are you picturing? A black man? Wrong. That was a white woman. Surprised? Well, shame on you." } ], [ { "character": "Martin", "line": "So... you all wanna know what I was in for?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. That's not cool. You don't have to tell them." }, { "character": "Martin", "line": "Um, I really don't mind. It was a stupid mistake. I was working in finance and, I... got involved in some insider trading. So, I spent a little time in the clink." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[laughs] That is awesome." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I had Martin explain to me three times what he got arrested for, because... it sounds an awful lot like what I do here every day." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "What was prison like?" }, { "character": "Martin", "line": "Not terrible. Boring. We do the same thing every day. But... at least we got outdoors time." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "You got outdoors time?" }, { "character": "Martin", "line": "Two hours, every day. Sometimes we'd play pickup football games..." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Michael, why don't we get outdoors time?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, some days I never go outside." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, we are running a business, so." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "What was your cell like?" }, { "character": "Martin", "line": "Not good. Uh... a little bit bigger than Michael's office... but, you know, I really only slept there. You know, during the day, there-our time's our own. They had uh, classes, I took some... watercolor classes." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "They have art classes?" }, { "character": "Martin", "line": "Yeap. Yeah." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "They have business classes there?" }, { "character": "Martin", "line": "They did, taught by some uh, Harvard business school guys--a lot of the guys also, that were in the class, the inmates, a lot of them have gone on to do extraordinary things in business." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Kinda sounds like... prison's... better than Dunder-Mifflin." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ah. Well. That's not true." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I would so rather be in prison." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Prison sounds great." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No you would not." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "This place is not prison. It's... way better than prison." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "[singsong voice] Baby. Hello baby. Here you want to play with this?" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "You can't give paperclips to a baby. He could swallow." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Oh, it's okay. I've got tons of them. You like that? Goo-goo-goo-goo?" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Pam-a-lama-ding-dong. Listen, you're cute. There is no gettin' around it. So... I don't know if you like country music, but I was thinking maybe one of these days we could drive out to a field, crank up some tunes, smoke a few Macanudos... maybe even toss a disk around. Utway ooday ooyay inkthay, Ampay?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Wow... I--" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Shh. Think about it. I'll hit you back." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Wow. That was... wow." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay! Listen up everybody! Um, you guys said that prison was better than this place, and I heard ya, loud and clear, so, I am instituting some changes to make this more like prison. We are going to start with an hour of outdoor time. So let's go!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael, it's freezing out." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I can't feel my toes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why don't we... pump some iron? Anyone wanna... pump up?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What is that, like... five pounds?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's uh... two and a half. I'm not going for bulk, I'm going for tone." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I'm going back inside." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, it's... freaking cold out here. Anybody wants to stay out, you've got about... twenty-seven minutes of rec time." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh heyyy. Martiiin. You have TV in the joint?" }, { "character": "Martin", "line": "Yeah, in the rec room." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ah. A ten inch black and white?" }, { "character": "Martin", "line": "Actually, our TV was bigger than that one." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "These people don't realize how lucky they are. This office is the American Dream. And they would rather be in the hole." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh. Andy. I thought of one last tact you can take with Pam." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Quick question - do you play the guitar?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I play the banjo." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hold on, let me think about that, yes, that'll work. But can you sing in a sexy high falsetto voice?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[singing] You know I can, my man." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yup. That's perfect." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'm gonna go get my banjo out of my car." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Perfect." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "What is going on?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "...I'm messing with Andy. I'm sending him to all the women in the office with... just... terrible information on how to get them to go out with him." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "I love it. I want in. Who's the target?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "...Oh, you know what? ... It was... gonna be Pam, but..." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Perfect. What do I do? Just give me an assignment." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh, you know what though? I feel like I already sicked him on Pam... we'll give her a break. Let's think of someone else." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right everybody, there has been a lot of name calling against our office today. Corporate maligning, slurring, much of it coming from one of you, who claims that prison is better... than... here. And none of can say \"Boo\" because none of us have ever been to prison. Well, there's somebody I'd like you to meet. Somebody else who has been to prison, who can tell you what it is really like [puts on bandanna]. I'm prison Mike! You know why they call me prison Mike?!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Do you really expect us to believe you're somebody else?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do you really expect me to not push you up against the wall, beeyotch?! [employees protest] All right, hey, hey, hey, hey, that's just the way we talk in the clink. Been a lot of fun talk about prison today, but I am here to scare you straight. I AM HERE TO SCARE YOU STRAIIIGHT!! In prison you are somebody's bitch. Oh, and you. [points to Ryan] You, my friend, would be da belle of da ball. Don't drop the soap! Don't drop the soap!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Michael, please. [Michael makes kissing noises]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Where... did you learn all of this?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Internet." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "So, not prison." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And prison. Eh, fifty-fifty, both. Look, prison stinks, is what I'm saying. It's not like you can go home, and, recharge your batteries, and come back in the morning and, be with your friends, having fun in the office." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What'd you do, Prison Mike?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I stole. ... And I robbed. And I kidnapped... the... president's son. And held him for ransom." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That is... quite the rap sheet, Prison Mike." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And I nevah got caught, neither." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, you're... in... prison, but, mmhmm." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Prison Mike? What was the food like in prison?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Gruel. Sandwiches. Gruel omelettes. Nothing but gruel. Plus, you can eat your own hair." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Wow. Prison sounds horrible." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah. Yeah. Well, thank you, Andy. Tanks." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Prison Mike. What's the very very worst thing about prison?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Don't encourage him, Dwight." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "The worst thing about prison was the... was the Dementors. They... were flying all over the place, and they were scary. And they'd come down, and they'd suck the soul out of your body, and it hurt!" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Demen-Dementors like in Harry Potter?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, not Harry Potter. ... There are no movies in prison. This is my point! You guys got it soft, and cushy! This place is freaking awesome! The people are awesome! Your boss is nice! Everyone seems to get along! People are tolerant! People who... have jumped to conclusions can redeem themselves! Nobody is nobody's bitch. I hope that this scared you. And from me, Prison Mike, to you, I just wanna thank you for listening to me. Letting me be a part of your life today. 'Cause you got a good life! YOu got a good life. A good life. [turns around, takes bandanna off] So. What do you think? It doesn't sound so great, does it?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Wow. Thank you. Um, that must have been hard for you to relive that. Both of you." }, { "character": "Martin", "line": "Yeah, that... wasn't really... at all my experience. There were certain elements of what you performed, I've seen on television. But it didn't remind me of my time in prison." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. Okay, fine. You guys think prison is so great? All right. Well, here you go. [locks employees in conference room]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, Michael. Come on. Let us out." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No! If you think is prison is so wonderful, then, enjoy prison! They are such babies. I am going to leave them in there until they can appreciate what it's like to have freedom. And if this doesn't bother them, then I am out of ideas." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[knocking on door] Hey! Let us out of here! Hey! I have--" }, { "character": "Hannah", "line": "Shh!" } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "[answering phone] This is Toby. Hey Pam. Where are you calling from?" } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Michael. Why's everyone locked in the conference room?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "They were very disrespectful to me, and to the office. And Martin has had a bad influence, to think that I gave him the benefit of the doubt." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Well, you're going to have to let 'em out. Or... or I will." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. You know what Toby? I am teaching them a lesson, so." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "You know they're teasing you. I mean... obviously, this is... a much nicer place than an actual prison. We get paid to be here. We go home afterwards and have social lives. We have... we have parties here. They're teasing you. To be funny." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[unlocks door] Okay nutcases, get out of there! Good work. Long day. Really long. Why don't you guys head home. Early. Time off for good behavior! Heh. Good job. Enjoy your freedoms!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Martin went from being a new guy from Stamford... to a convict, to... my friend. Back to a convict. Then to... a kind of a nuisance, actually, to be completely honest. And finally, to... a quitter. And I will not miss him. And that is not because he is black." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[singing] So we've been told, and some choose to believe it, I know they're wrong, wait and see, 'cause one day we'll find it, the ainbowray onnectionkay, the lovers, the dreamers, and meeee..." } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Merry Christmas! [holds up dead goose and puts it on Pam's desk]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Merry Christ--[looks up] NO! Why... why did you bring that here?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Don't worry, she's dead. Oh wait. He's dead." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Dwight, what uh..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I accidentally ran over it. It's a Christmas miracle!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, get it out of here." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Relax, OK. And because this is Christmas, I am going to roast this goose and prepare it with a wild rice dressing. Do we have any cayenne pepper in the kitchen?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Merry Christmas Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow. What have we got here?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What does it look like?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dead goose." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And circle gets the square." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[to Pam] So can you watch this? I'm gonna get my carving knife out of the trunk." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Oh, Dwight, we talked about this." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, Toby, this is different. He's already dead." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Once I brought in a duck. To prepare for lunch. And people got upset. Apparently, they got attached to the duck and didn't want to see it killed." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "He was already dead. And we Schrutes use every part of the goose. The meat has a delicious, smoky, rich flavor. Plus you can use the molten goose grease and save it in the refrigerator, thus saving you a trip to the store for a can of expensive goose grease." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow. Win-Win." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Exactly. Thank you, Jim." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I like goose. If it's already dead is it so crazy we eat it?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "That's crazy. It's crazy." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Dwight, you cannot keep that here." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ok, that is ridiculous. And totally against the spirit of Christmas." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Come on Dwight. We went over this, like for a half an hour." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's Christmas Toby." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "It's a dead animal in an office. You can't..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Toby..." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I'm sorry." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[sighs] Please? Please?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Clean it in your car." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I would like it off my desk." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh Pam. Take a chill pill." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Riding a bicycle down the hallway and singing] Deck the halls with boughs of holly. Fa la la la la la la la la. [Struggling to stay on] 'Tis the ... ack. [expletive] Hey! [to Pam] I would like a nice slice of Christmas Pam. Side of candied Pams. And perhaps, some Pam-chops, with mint..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Can I help you, Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm looking for the toy drive box." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's behind you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK... Well, I need to put this bike in there. I hope it'll fit, with all these little knickknacks." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow. What kind of bike is that?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Umm... I don't know? Average kind?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "The tires look pretty worn." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, that is probably from the test drive." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "But the paint's chipping. Is that your old bike, Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yo, Michael, sweet ride Mike." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, thanks. [Michael and Andy do a fist bump and explosion.]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes? [Pam holds up a bag] Oh Pam, that is so sweet. You didn't have to do that." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[hands over bag] I didn't, it's from corporate." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK. Did everybody get one of these?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yup." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Terrific. Good." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "This is going to be the best Christmas ever. My girlfriend Carol is coming to our party tonight, and I have a little surprise for her. [singing] I've got two tickets to paradise! Pack your bags, we're leaving the day-after-tomorrow! Um, taking her to Sandals, Jamaica, all-inclusive. All-inclusive. You know what that means? Right? Yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Creed takes toy from toy drive box.] Oh, I think you're supposed to put a toy in the box, Creed." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "And a happy holiday to you." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Carol walks through door looking upset] [waves] Carol." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "Hi, is Michael around here?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "There she is. A Christmas Carol. Hello [kisses Carol] You're about five hours early to the party. You're such a blonde. [laughs]" }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, everybody. I don't know who you haven't met yet, but I think this is one of them. This is my girlfriend - Carol. This is just the front of her. Show 'em, show 'em the other side." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "[whispers] What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Turn around, turn around. Come on. [making a body turning gesture]" }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "Get outta here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, you get outta here." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Michael" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "If I may say. She's even prettier that you described her." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[standing up] Oh, ouch. Michael, I don't think there is anything wrong with the way you described her." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "I really need a moment alone with you. [Carol heads towards Michael's office.]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Not as much as I need a moment alone with you. [puts finger on her back and reaches for her butt] Berp." } ], [ { "character": "Carol", "line": "What is this? [Holds up a Christmas photo]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That is my Christmas card. It's a picture of you and me and your kids on a ski trip, having a blast. Ski-sons Greetings." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "No. See, we never went on a ski trip." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "I went on a ski trip." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Right." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "Two years ago with my kids and my ex-husband." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, but what you didn't realize at the time was that I was with you in a sense. I was in your heart..." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And next to your kids. What?" }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "This is so weird." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't understand?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "It's a bold move, to Photoshop yourself into a picture with your girlfriend and her kids on a ski trip with their real father. But then again, Michael's a bold guy. [Towards unseen cameraman] Is bold the right word?" } ], [ { "character": "Carol", "line": "I think you're a really sweet guy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK" }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "But, um, I don't know how to deal with, with this thing [waves Christmas card]. And, and the proposal. And I don't think things are going to work out with us." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no no no Ok, OK, You know what, you're not thinking straight. You know what you need? You need to think this through in [making drum noise] Jamaica's largest fresh water pool." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "What are you talking about?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I got us tickets to Sandals, Jamaica, We leave day after tomorrow. [Carol shakes head in disappointment]. You better find the skimpiest bikini there is." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "Oh, no. Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And it's all inclusive." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "Michael..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "I'm sorry." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, Carol. You walk out that door and it is over." }, { "character": "Carol", "line": "I know. [Closes door.]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Psst. Jim. [Jim turns around. Pam nods head towards her for him to come over] Um, hey. I need to give you your Christmas gift now because, well, I'll just tell you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "For the past few months I've been sending Dwight letters from the CIA. [hands a folder to Jim]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Are you serious?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "They're considering him for a top secret mission. There's his application. Oh, and this is where I made him list every secret he promised he'd never ever tell." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Opens folder and reads from Dwight's file] Last year, my boss, Michael Scott, took a day off because he said he had pneumonia, but really, he was leaving early to go to magic camp. Wow." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "So... here's the gift. You get to decide what his top secret mission is. [Jim smiles] Sorry I didn't wrap it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[closes folder] You know what? Uh, I really don't think I should be doing this stuff anymore, you know?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, because of the promotion." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It just feels a little bit, like..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, I get it, of course. OK. [holds out hand for folder. Jim gives Pam back the folder.]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I feel like there's a chance for me to start over. And if I fall back into the same kind of things I used to do., then ... what am I doing?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'd like everybody's attention. Christmas is canceled." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "You can't cancel a holiday." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Keep it up Stanley and you will lose New Year's." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "What does that mean?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jim, take New Year's away from Stanley." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael, what's going on?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Carol and I split up. Amicably. And I just don't think it would be appropriate to celebrate under the circumstances." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Will they still air 'Rudolph?'" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "That's not fair." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[over everybody else's talking] Are we gonna cancel Hanukah as well?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Fine! [everybody stops talking] Have your party. Just no guests." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "But we invited guests." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, you know what Phyllis? All of your guests would have probably canceled at the last minute anyway, leaving your life a stupid rotten mess." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, oh, oh, oh, it hurts." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I know." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It hurts my heart. It hurts my stomach. It hurts my arms." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "OK, well, why are you laying like that?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[moves a little] Thanks. How did you push away the bad thoughts?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Like what?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Like maybe, the real reason they left was because there were things they wanted you to do in bed, that were, foreign, and scary?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well.. um I, I don't..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And not that you didn't want to try them. Some wine may have helped. Do you know what I'm referring to?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't need to know." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael. Sorry to interrupt. Uh, It appears we're one bathrobe short." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Take it from Toby." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Copy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, would you like to go to Sandals, Jamaica with me?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, thank you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's all... [Pam walks away.] OK." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Hey Dwight. Pretty nice robe- [Dwight grabs bag with robe in it and walks away.] Why?" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Phyllis, I need you to pick up green streamers at lunch." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I thought you said green was whorish." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No, orange is whorish." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Uh, so I had a couple of ideas to make the Stamford people feel more at home. Each year we have a Christmas raffle ... [Phyllis and Pam nod their heads in agreement]." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "It would never work here." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Ok ... um, another idea was karaoke ..." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "A Christmas drinking game ..." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "God help you." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "These are all terrible ideas and none of them are on the theme of \"A Nutcracker Christmas.\" I think you should leave." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "You're kidding." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "You tried this out, and it's clearly not for you. It's time to go. Come on. [Angela gets up from seat] Please. [Karen gets up and leaves] Thank you. OK, thank you very much. [Angela closes door]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "What are you doing? [\"Goodbye My Lover\" by James Blunt plays]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[putting things into a box] We are getting rid of everything that reminds you of Carol." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey, what's the haps? [Dwight shuts door in his face.]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Carol?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, look at this. [looks through papers] Your old condo closing papers. It's riddled with Carol's name. I wish I could throw this in the box. [Michael hits repeat to \"Goodbye My Lover\" on computer]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Why don't you just buy the whole song?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't have to buy it. I just want to taste it. I just... I just want a little taste of it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, look at this, she saved you two thousand dollars 'cause they failed to report a mold problem. [Continues to sift through papers] But wouldn't that affect the final... How did she? Oh, oh, I see what she did. That is good. Wow. Carol is one smart cookie." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[singing] Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my friend. [hits repeat again]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "This is an old adage, but they say when you find true love, you know within the first 24 hours. With Carol, I knew within the first 24 minutes of the second day I met her." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I feel like I've been kinda cold to Karen and there's no real reason for it. I mean it's not like she's ever done anything to me. So, I think I probably shouldn't be cold to her." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, Karen. Sorry about that meeting today, that was really crazy." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Yeah, right? I'm so glad you said that. Because, I don't know how those meetings usually go." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Um, usually like that." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Does anyone ever stand up to Angela or..?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I think one of her cats did once. She came in with scratches all over her face. [both laugh]" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Right." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Um, I really liked your karaoke idea." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Oh cool, yeah." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That could really be fun." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Oh, thank you." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You guys do a raffle?" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Yeah, we do a raffle..." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Hey Kev." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hey. [Toby puts hand on Kevin's back, who is wearing the robe and feels it a little bit.]" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "This should've been up yesterday. [refers to party flyer]" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "It'll be all right." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[Pam puts up another flyer] What is that? [Reads flyer] The \"Committee to Plan Parties invites you to a margarita-karaoke Christmas?\" There's no such thing as the \"Committee to Plan Parties.\"" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "There is now. We just started it." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Well, you just can't start a committee. You have to have funding." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "What's your funding?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Two hundred dollars." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What's ours again?" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Umm, two hundred and one dollars." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh right." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[pointing] Hey, a margarita-karaoke Christmas party, that sounds like fun." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No, that is not a party. There's only one party and it's hosted by the Party PLANNING Committee and it starts at three o'clock." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Then why are there two flyers?" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Oh, I understand that this is confusing for everyone, let me explain. There's a party that starts at three." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Right." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "And then there's a way more fun party that starts at two forty-five." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Right, and if you're interested in the way more fun party, all the info can be found here on our more brightly colored flyer. [Angela rips down brightly colored flyer and walks away. Karen rips down Angela's flyer.]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I didn't see where it was." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yup, looks like the Scranton people and the Stamford people are finally coming together. And that's what you want, right?" } ], [ { "character": "Karen", "line": "I think that's a really good option..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Pam and Karen. I am ordering you to cease and desist all party planning. Immediately." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You can't do that." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "As ranking number three in this office, I am order -" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Umm... I'm number three." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You're number four." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, but I'm number three." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ah, no. [to Pam and Karen] You must turn over to me all Christmas decorations and party paraphernalia immediately that will be returned to you on January fourth." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "OK, I think I can help here." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ok, good" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "As ranking number two, I am starting a committee to determine the validity of the two committees and I am the sole member. The committee will act on this now." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "OK, this is stupid." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Could you please keep it down? [interrupted Dwight] I'm in session. I've determined that this committee is valid. [Pam and Karen cheer.]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No no, no, wait, wait, wait [raises hand] Permission to join the Validity Committee." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Permission denied." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Damn it!" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey. I can't concentrate when I know you're in pain, man. Let me take you to lunch. [Michael sighs.] C'mon, my treat." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right. Nothing here to distract myself with anyway." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That's my boy. I know the perfect place, too." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hooters?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No. Benihana. Much classier. But don't worry, the babes are totally hot, too. [do a fist bump and explosion]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ah, I need my entourage [both exit Michael's office] Jim. Dwight. Ryan. C'mon, we're going to Asian Hooters." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Ah man, I can't." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why not?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I'm not feeling so well. I've got a ton of work to do here. MSG allergy, peanut allergy, I just ate there last night. [Michael feels Ryan's forehead]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok, feel better." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Thanks." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "C'mon Jim, let's go." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "OK. [to Ryan] Wow, thanks for taking all the excuses, dude." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Doctor appointment, car trouble, plantar warts, granddad fought in World War II. Use your head, man. I keep mine in here. [Holds up blackberry.] Look alive, Halpert. Welcome back." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Bros before hos. Why? Because your bros are always there for you. They have got your back after your ho rips your heart out for no good reason. And you were nothing but great to your ho and you told her she was the only ho for you. And that she was better than all the other hos in the world. And then ... and then suddenly she's not yo' ho no mo'." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "So she looks really hot, so I said, \"You look hotter than usual today.\" [to waitress] Thank you. Michael [gesturing to sit down.] Head of the table." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Get out Jim. [Dwight tries to sit between Andy and Jim] Actually, um... [to two other people at the table] Sir, I'm going to need take this chair." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight, just, just leave them alone please. They're on a date. They look very happy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "So she looks at me right, and she goes, \"I'm sorry, don't I even know you?\" After a year, a year of buying lattes from her, do you believe that?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I can't... I can't here what you're saying." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Carol used to drink lattes." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[off screen at other end of table] What're you talking about?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "She would get this little foam mustache..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[still off screen] Carol had a mustache?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And I used to say \"Hey, got latte?\" And she'd say, that's not funny." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[off screen] What are you guys talking about?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "She totally got me. She understood that we didn't have to laugh to enjoy ---" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael! Repeat what you said louder!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It is my job to be there for Michael. How can I be there for Michael if I'm here for Michael? [food is thrown at Dwight's face]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm already starting to forget what color eyes she had. I can't, OK, I'm gonna call her. I am gonna call and find out..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Who are you calling?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm just gonna call her." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Put that away. Put that away. S.O.S. We... I... May day. Haha. Man down over here, [to waitress] we need your help." }, { "character": "Waitress", "line": "What can I get for 'ya?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I think we'll start with a round of noga-sakes. [waitress gives confused look]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "One part eggnog, three parts sake. Some places won't make it for you though, because eggnog is seasonal." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "You should, you should put out salt for the rims [referring to margaritas]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That's a great idea." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Phyllis?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I was just getting a snack." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You can have your snack in here." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Pam, don't tell her what to do! Phyllis." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "OK." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I think I'll go to Angela's party, because that's the party I know." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I miss the days when there was only one party I didn't want to go to." } ], [ { "character": "Roy", "line": "So I only use three?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "If you're using more than three pieces of tape to wrap a present, you're doing it wrong." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "OK. And where to do you get all those cool bows?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, I just get those at any party supply place." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "OK. Are you sure I can't use like, the cartoons from the newspaper?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh yeah, your mom would love that." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "[Karen walks in] Hey. All right, I'll see you guys later. [leaves room]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Bye." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "He's cute. You should date him." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, yeah... Maybe." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Looks like you've got a little Nakiri knife action going there." }, { "character": "Chef", "line": "No, it's Usuba." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, I bet you wish you had a Nakiri, though." }, { "character": "Chef", "line": "Actually, the Usuba's the better knife when you're working with this quantity." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Nah, I don't know... Still think Nakiri's better." }, { "character": "Woman at bar", "line": "I think he'd know. [Dwight and her stare at each other]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nothing he's doing is cheering me up." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Wait for the onion. Trust me. Hey Cindy, he just had his heart broken, you wouldn't do that to him, would you?" }, { "character": "Cindy", "line": "I don't know." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, sure you would. Look at you, I bet you break up with a guy every hour. [Cindy laughs and walks away]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You made her laugh. Yes! She totally digs us. [referring to what chef is doing] Watch, watch, watch, watch. [Onions smoke up] Heh, heh? What did I tell 'ya?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're right. That's good." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hello everyone. We would just like to announce that our party is starting now in the break room. So... you can come by... ." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I have a very important announcement to make... about... your paychecks. Umm... Your paychecks will be arriving as scheduled on Friday. And they will be in the correct amount that they are normally in... Please stand by for a very important announcement... refer..[starts to leave office] for further regarding your paycheck! [runs outside]" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "[on cell phone to Dwight] I need to know if I can start the party?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael! Hey! Over here, Michael! [waves down Michael with a napkin and whistles to get attention]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "This drink... [in audible conversation with Michael]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't know. No one can hear me. You know what? Start the party." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Did Michael give you permission to do this?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[with conviction] Start the party." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[Angela slams phone shut and runs back to office.] Also, I would like to inform you that, um, as a special treat, my party will be starting early. In fact, it will be starting right now [opens door to conference room.]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Our party is also starting now [opens door to break room.]" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Yup." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "[Stanley gets up and walks towards the break room.] All right Stanley. Woo." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Good choice. [Kelly drags Ryan to the break room.]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Welcome Hannah. You will not be disappointed." }, { "character": "Hannah", "line": "Why would I be disappointed?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I said you wouldn't be disappointed. [Meredith heads towards break room.]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Meredith, if you don't come to my party, you will be very, very sorry." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Is that a threat?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No, it's an invitation." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We have vodka!" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Lots of it! [Meredith leaves to break room party.]" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I hear Angela's party will have double-fudge brownies. It will also have Angela. Double fudge... Angela... double fudge... Angela [puts out hands to weigh his options] Hmmm..." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Brownies. Cupcakes. [Kevin walks toward conference room]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Don't push it." } ], [ { "character": "Karen", "line": "Are we taking this too far? You know what, I don't think we're taking this far enough. [Pam and Karen look at each other] What?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I got goose bumps." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "I don't back down. My sister and I used to be best friends, and we haven't talked in 16 years. Over some disagreement, I don't even remember. So... yeah. I'm pretty good." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ahh, damn this chicken is good. My compliments to the chef. [points to chef] Which is you! Right? Hahahaha. Awesome! I need some meat. I want some steak. [leans over to neighboring man's plate] I see steak." }, { "character": "Man", "line": "Excuse me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Excuse me [tries to take away meat with chopsticks] Ah, un guard. [Fights with chopsticks and laughs] Family style." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, it's not." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Cindy, Cindy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't think... I love it!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I want you to close your eyes and imagine your dream house. [Cindy laughs] C'mon, do it for Michael. He's had a really long day." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[laughing] I don't know what he's doing." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "This is great." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jim! Jim! What... What's happening?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, [points to Cindy] she's asleep." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh... Narcolepsy." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Probably." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Now open your eyes and describe it to me." }, { "character": "Cindy", "line": "I... don't know, it has four bed rooms and a loft..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh my gosh, now she's up." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And she's trying to correctly butcher a goose, but she's having trouble coming up with it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, OK. Cindy! Yo, Cindy! Cindy! Hold its neck back and insert the knife below the jaw. Bring it all the way around, there's going to be a good amount of blood. [Cindy looks confused. Woman next to Dwight is disgusted] Don't let it bother you. Have a bucket there, for the blood... and the innards... and the feathers." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh no, this is different. The CIA thing, that was a prank on Dwight. This is more like a umm... OK, it's pretty much the same thing." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "What d'ya think? [to Stanley about his drink]" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Fruity and delicious." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "See, I told you. You want one Meredith?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "No thanks. They're too sweet." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Hey, so what's the status." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Looks like they forgot the power cord." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Oh, you're kidding me?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Oh, you guys, guys, um... I'm sorry, but there's a problem with the karaoke machine. [everyone sighs]" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Well that blows." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Hang on little ladies. You don't need this thing, I'll go grab my synthesizer. [Everyone cheers]" }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Darryl! Darryl! Darryl! [Darryl exits break room and passes Phyllis]" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Hey. Hey, look, when you get done with your... [looks inside conference room] meeting, you should, uh, come to the break room. We're having a party." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh, ok." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "All right. Se you later..." }, { "character": "Hannah", "line": "[tries to break nut on a Nutcracker doll] These nuts are really hard to crack." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Try harder then. [Hannah smashes Nutcracker on top of nut. Sees Kevin take another brownie] Uh uh. No one has seconds until everyone's had some." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "You've got to be kidding!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "You've got to be kidding. {Kevin takes bite of brownie]" } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Cold, huh?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Huh? [puts on jacket]" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Maybe that'll help. Is it cold in there?" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[referring to waitresses] They have been checking us out, all night! I am not kidding!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what we should do?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We should invite them to the Christmas party." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Now, you are thinking. Yes. And you know what? Because you have had such a rough day, you get Cindy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, you are such mench my friend. [They stand up and do fist bump and explosion]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK, where is everybody? I would like them to meet my new girlfriend. [Guys walk in with two different waitresses from Benihana's]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm sure they'll want to meet her, too." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "The least I could do was give some poor sick kid a bike." }, { "character": "Second Cindy", "line": "That rocks." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nah, you rock. Tell you what, if you want it, it's yours." }, { "character": "Second Cindy", "line": "Thanks! I, I wanna give you something." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh. [She whispers in his ear. Michael starts to laugh] That's what she said." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hello? I would like everybody to meet my new girlfriend." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "My new girlfriend." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Where's Dwight?" }, { "character": "Second Cindy", "line": "Is he the hot one or the giant baby?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[whispers] The giant baby. Wow, I am so sorry, I had no idea this party would be so lame." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "[under her breath] There's another party in the break room." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, party in the break room! Let's go, let's go! Thank God! Let's go to the break room." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Hey, excuse me! Waitress lady! Hey, where do you think you're going with that? [refers to toy she just took from table]" }, { "character": "Second Cindy", "line": "I thought I could have it." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "You can't have it [takes back toy] I don't walk into your house and steal your Hello Kitty backpack." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Shhh... Shut it! C'mon! Party." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey! It's Angela! [Angela slams door shut, but not before Kevin sneaks out] Hey!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We're going to ..." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[singing] I want you to know. That I'm happy for you. I wish nothing but..." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I just think there are two, two specific kinds of people in the world. People who own houses and people who own condos. [turns to reach for pretzel while Second Cindy turns other direction] And... my question to you [points and pulls away other waitress] is do you agree?" }, { "character": "Other waitress", "line": "Do I agree about what?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do you agree about what? [laughs] Wow. You're lucky you're so darn cute." }, { "character": "Other waitress", "line": "What're you talking about?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What're you talking about?" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[singing] And I'm here to remind you of the mess you left when you went away. It's not fair, to deny me of the cross I bear that you give to me. You, you, you, you, you, you, you oughta know ta know." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right [high fives Kevin]" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Did you have fun at Benihana's?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No. It was awful. I couldn't hear anything. [cheers from other party]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I've had the worse day here [turns up Nutcracker music on the stereo. [Sighs. Dwight reaches for and holds Angela's hand]" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "[Karen and Pam enter] Dwight, you won the raffle! [holds out gift]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No... way! Yeah!" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Open it! Open it ! Open it! [Dwight rips open present. Angela is upset and Pam notices]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Do you like it?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Walkie-talkies." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Can I talk to you a second?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes!" } ], [ { "character": "Karen", "line": "Well the Committee to Plan Parties has served its purpose. We're gonna disband. In the name of Christmas." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[holds up rice krispie shaped like a star] In the name of Nutcracker Christmas." } ], [ { "character": "Karen", "line": "Angela, we've been hearing really great thing about uh... your brownies and we were hoping you'd consider merging into two parties." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I'm not sure. Does your karaoke machine have Christmas songs?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, but we don't have a power cord." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oh, I may have seen it somewhere. [Goes to plant and picks up power cord] Is it this one?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Mmm. Hmm." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Yeah, thanks." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We'll go tell everyone." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "OK." } ], [ { "character": "Andy & Michael", "line": "[singing] And if you want love, we'll make it. Swim in a big sea of blankets. Take all your big plans and break 'em. This is bound to take awhile. Your body is a wonderland. [Michael notices Cindy ride up to him on the bike and looks confused] Your body is a wonderland." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Your hands." }, { "character": "Both", "line": "Your body is a wonderland." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'll use my hands on it." }, { "character": "Both", "line": "Something 'bout the way your hair falls in your face..." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[singing] Whatever we deny or embrace. For worse or for better. We belong, we belong, we belong together... Ryan..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "When you know, you just know." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Right." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Check her out. My little gal over there. Babe-alectable." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Which one is she? [Michael stares at both waitresses]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's... it's one of those two. [points at both]" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "You don't know?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Dude, you should know." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah... well, it's been hard, they're wearing the exact same uniform. And I've been drinking. And you know how all waitresses look alike." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I honestly don't see what the big deal is. Stevie Wonder is married. Are you going to tell me that Stevie Wonder doesn't love his wife just because he's not sure what she looks like?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey. Where's my girl? Is she in the fridge? Where is she hiding? I don't know where she is. 'Cause I'm drunk, I can't even find her." }, { "character": "Second Cindy", "line": "You know where I am." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Haha, I do! I just haven't hugged you in awhile [marks Cindy's arm with a black marker]" }, { "character": "Second Cindy", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, good. That felt good. Let's go. Party." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "[singing] Spinnin' n reelin with love. Give it the time, I might come back down. But it feels so good. My feet don't touch the ground. Wha..wha..wild. Wha..wha..wild. Well everybody knows, I'm crazy about 'ya..." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[into walkie-talkie] Monkey, this is Possum. Do you copy?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[into another walkie-talkie] Copy, Possum. What's your twenty?" } ], [ { "character": "Karen", "line": "No way. [both hold up Bridget Jones' Diary movie DVD]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What a horrible, horrible movie that was." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "And now we get to remember it forever." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Thank you. [Both hug]" } ], [ { "character": "Second Cindy", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, hey, you. How are ya?" }, { "character": "Second Cindy", "line": "Hey. This party blows, so we're gonna leave." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, no. Hey, you should stay because we are having fun and..." }, { "character": "Second Cindy", "line": "Cool..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Where do you wanna go?" }, { "character": "Second Cindy", "line": "I... We're just gonna take off." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I... you know what? I, OK, listen. I like you. I really like you. So much in fact, that I would like you to accompany me on a trip to Sandals, Jamaica." }, { "character": "Second Cindy", "line": "No... I have school. [leaves with other waitress and bicycle]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You want help? OK... Merry Christmas." }, { "character": "Second Cindy", "line": "Merry Christmas." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[singing] Lady, from the moment I saw you standing all alone. You gave all the love that I needed..." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "That waitress was the one." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No. She wasn't." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "How can you be sure?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, for starters, I've known you as a couple since the beginning of the relationship, which was approximately [looks a watch] three hours ago." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Don't make fun... You're making fun of me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Sorry." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I guess, I didn't know her very well. I marked her arm." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You what?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I, I put a mark on her arm. [Both are laughing] So I could tell them apart. I don't... I know, I know. I can't believe I gave her my bike!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, why do I feel like crap?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You just had a rebound." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I had rebound? Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah. Which, don't get me wrong, can be a really fun distraction, but, when it's over, you're left thinking about the girl you really like, the one that broke your heart." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I totally rebounded. Someone else shoots and I take the ball and I score. Well, I guess I didn't score and I'm not sure who's actually shooting, but, whatever. Doesn't matter. It's all good. Or as my ex might say. Domo arigato, Mr. Scott-o." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "[singing, with Dwight holding up microphone] Little baby, parum pum pum pum. I am a poor boy too, parum pum pum pum. I have no gift to bring, parum pum pum pum. That's fit to give our King, parum pum pum pum.." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[on phone] Yes, I just wanted to see if, uh you would like to come to Jamaica with me. There's this resort called Sandals. Really? OK. All right. I promise you won't be disappointed. Umm, It's all-inclusive..." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "[singing] ... Shall I play for you, parum pum pum pum [Oscar and Gil walk through door]" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Too soon. [both turn back around and walk out]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[singing] I played my drum for Him, parum pum pum pum. I played my best for Him, parum pum pum pum, Rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[singing along] pum pum pum pum pum pum pum" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Bye Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Night." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[to Pam] Oh, you know what? Sorry, forgot to tell you. I intercepted a transmission earlier and it seems that the CIA is gonna need Dwight down at their headquarters in Langley for training and an ice cream social with the other agents." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We should get him a bus ticket. [types on computer] To make his trip easier." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh no, that would be great." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It costs seventy five dollars." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hmm... Well, maybe the CIA can send a helicopter?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ohh... [laughs]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[Cell phone beeps] What the? [Reading text message] \"You have been compromised. Abort mission. Destroy phone.\" Destroy phone? [Dwight throws phone off of the roof and walks away]" } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "William Randolph Shakespeare once wrote in one of his plays, and I'm paraphrasing here, \"Love doth be poison.\" Brilliant. And a lot of people don't give Shakespeare enough credit. They think it was somebody else. A-holes." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "When Michael suggested canceling Christmas, I was outraged, not on my behalf, but on behalf of baby Jesus. I mean, would he cancel Christmas because he got dumped or he was two weeks behind on his party planning, on top of the fact that his cats were ill? I think not. I think baby Jesus would suck it up and plan his party." } ], [ { "character": "Karen", "line": "We didn't have a party planning committee in Stamford. Somebody would just volunteer to run out to Carvel and pick up an ice cream cake. So the fact that they have a committee here, fascinating." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "This is ridiculous. I... I've spent so much time, like I always do. And for that little trollop to come in here and throw her own party... Are you even listening to me?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Angela, what do you want me to do?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I want you to tell her to stop, Toby. Am I being clear?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "[sighing] Look, it's a free country. If she wants to throw a party..." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "What are you...?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "...using her own money..." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "And what..." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "...then she should be allowed to." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No she shouldn't." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "The more the merrier." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[Angela slaps Toby on the face.] Stop it." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Oww." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I'm sorry. It wasn't my intention to hurt you, but I want to wake you up to the injustice that's going on right in front of your face." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "That really hurt. I'm writing you up. [Angela makes an angry face] Hey, you are not allowed to touch other employees. Am I being clear?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Michael was so right about you. You are pathetic." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "I don't care which party I go to. Once you've danced naked at a hash bonfire with the spirits of the dead, all parties seem pretty much the same." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I think I'll go to Angela's party, because that's the party I know." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Where would you like the Rice Krispy Treat stars?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "They're Sugarplum fairy wands." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Sugarplum fairy wands." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "It's like you weren't even at the meeting." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I'm going to the party in the break room, because they have more chairs in there. If I have to stand around a long time, I get real unpleasant to be around." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "[Phyllis puts down phone] Hmm hmm. [Phyllis gets up and goes to Angela's party]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, no, no. You know what, I better hold off. I wanna make sure I don't dial Carol before I get drunk." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "So, really, you're just calling her?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah. You know what? I am. I'm gonna call her. That's a good idea." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[from across the table] Where's Michael going? Michael? Is he sick? Is he choking?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[on [phone] No, I don't think I'm asking too much. I think it's only fair that you tell me exactly what I did wrong. Okay. Uh huh. Well that... yeah. Uh huh. All right. Well, could you tell me something that I did right?" } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[knocks on office wall] Hey." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Hello, Ryan." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Merry Christmas. [hands over a gift]" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh, thank you. Do you always get presents for your ex-girlfriends?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Okay, we're never technically... um is there.. Is there a problem?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Well, I didn't get you anything, because you have treated me inconsiderately, and I'm not gonna stand for that anymore." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Um That's... That's fair. I'm sorry. Merry Christmas. [Ryan starts walking away.]" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[runnning after him] Wait, Ryan, you're not mean. You're adorable. I'm so sorry. I got you a present, too. But then when I got to work, I didn't see anything on my desk from you, so I threw it away. And then Asuncion took the trash out, that's why I think it's in the dumpster. I'm so sorry. I'm the worst. [Kelly hugs Ryan]" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "There's no fizz in this punch. Phyllis!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I'll just go get a ginger ale." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No, I've got it, Phyllis. Stay. Have fun. Eat your wand." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[talking to Kelly in dumpster] Hey, Kelly, you know what? Throw my gift away, too." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[from inside dumpster] No, you paid money for that CD." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I'm serious. It'll show that we don't care about material things." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I don't understand." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Kelly, I'm so cold!" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[starts to cry] You don't have to scream at me." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Are you having fun in this relationship?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Sometimes." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I don't know Kelly, sometimes I look at us and I think..." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[crying] Don't dump me while I'm in the dumpster. Just go back inside if you're so cold. I'll just stay in the dumpster. [Ryan smirks]" } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[both inside dumpster] Did you look over here?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Who's eating all these apples?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Kelly." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "And what are these? Are... Why are there egg yolks in here? Aren't you supposed to eat the yolks?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Michael was on an egg-yolk diet. He's so weird." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Do you think I should diet?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "No, you're perfect. [Kelly gasps] What? Did you find it?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "No, I'm scared." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "All of a sudden?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Uh huh. Hold me." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, honey, here's Stanley." }, { "character": "Second Cindy", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "He is also in an interracial relationship, so, you know, if you have any problems, you can always call him." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Oh, you're gonna face far greater problems than I can possibly help you with." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sounds good. Okay, let's go." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right, let's get started. Umm... Oh, first off, we're supposed to be pushing cardstock this week. So... let's push cardstock this week. Uh, also... [to Dwight] what is this?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Tape recorder." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "For what?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "For recording. Michael is on vacation and he's asked me to record all meetings and to type up the transcripts." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "OK. Uh, Karen, any news from that law firm?" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Yeah, the deal closed yesterday, it's the six month commitment." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh my God, Dwight, what're you doing?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You're not allowed to take off your pants in the middle of the office." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm not." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dwight, you know what, just back up, okay, that's making me uncomfortable. This is sexual harassment, by the way. Oh my God! He's got a knife!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I do not have a knife!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, let the record show that Dwight K. Schrute is now completely nude and is holding a plastic knife to Stanley's neck?!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[leans into tape recorder] Let the record show that Jim Halpert is a liar!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[picks up tape recorder and speaks into it] Dwight Schrute is now wearing a baby's bonnet." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Give me it. I am not." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh, Jim Carrey just walked in! Dwight, get his autograph for Michael quickly..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jim Carrey did not just walk in, OK." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Dwight, what is that on your stomach? Is that a Muppet Babies tattoo?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh my God, Karen, you're right, that is Animal from the Muppet Babies." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You can't see... You can't see my stomach." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I am now chopping off Phyllis' head with a chainsaw! ... Rin-in-in-in-in-in!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, mon!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey. You have a bunch of messages and... [sees Michael shaking head with beads in hair] that's nice. Hannah quit while you were gone. I guess she memo-ed to file some complaints she had about being a working mother? And so you might also have to be deposed." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Relax." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "OK." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just relax, OK? I'll get to all of it later." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's kind of serious." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Aren't you going to ask me how Jamaica was? Say it. Ask me." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "How was Jamaica?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It was so good. Oh, Hey mon! At Sandals, Jamaica, when somebody says \"Hey mon,\" everybody says \"Hey mon\" back." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Oh, Michael, I'm glad you're here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Stanley. You know what? It is really good to see you, too." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "My bonus check was a hundred dollars less than you promised." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK, well payroll is in charge of all that." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "They said I should talk to you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, I am just getting settled in. So, I'm gonna..." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I am not doing a lick more work until I get my full bonus check." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You are not as much fun as your Jamaican brothers... mon." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "You want to talk about it?" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Nope." } ], [ { "character": "Karen", "line": "I still haven't found an apartment yet. I'm living in a hotel. Yesterday, I saw a \"for rent\" sign down the street from Jim and he said he didn't think it'd be such a good idea. He said it would be like we were living together. In different houses. Two blocks away." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Feelin' hot, hot, hot! [playing conch shell] Feelin' hot, hot, hot! Feelin' hot, hot, hot! Feelin' hot, hot, hot! That's all I know so far, but I'm gonna keep practicing." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That's good. [Michael continues to play conch shell]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know, I had never been out of the country before now?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Huh." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Got to see how Jamaicans live. It is great, you know. They just relax, they party all the time." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's kind of an impoverished country." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah... Gosh. Great. You know what, Pam? Make a note. I want us all to start having pina coladas every day at three." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "But you can't today, we're doing inventory." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Inventory's at the end of December." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We couldn't do it without you, so we postponed." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I specifically went on vacation so I would miss it." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Inventory is boring. In the islands, they don't make you do stuff like take inventory. Why do you think so many businesses move to the Caymans?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Tonight, we are going to have an inventory luau. I want to bring back a little slice of paradise to the Dunder Mifflin warehouse inventory. So, Party Planning Committee, get on it." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "By the end of the day? That's impossible." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "The Jamaicans don't have a word for \"impossible.\"" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yep, it's English, it's \"impossible.\"" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Michael, there's no way we can do it in time." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "How hard is a luau? All you need are some grass skirts, pineapple, poi, tiki torches, suckling pig, some fire dancers. That's all you need." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Come on in. Settle in. Settling. Settling... and settled. Good, there is something I would like to show everybody. See this sign? [points to a TV monitor of a picture from Jamaica and reads] \"No Shirt, No Shoes, No Problem.\" This is an attitude I would like all of you to have right here. So what, if we have to stay late to do inventory? No problem." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh my God. Is that Jan? [points to same monitor]" }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "What? Where?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "On the left." }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Oh yeah, oh my God." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, no. No, that's a German woman named Urkel Grue." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jan told me to play it cool and not tell anybody because it can get us both in trouble. So officially, I did not see her. But I did see Jan there. In our room. At night. And in the morning. That's all I'm gonna say. Sex. We had sex. I had sex with her. I had sex with Jan." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[on phone] Hey dude. I just got back from Jamaica." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Big whoop! I was in Hot-lanta. That whole town is whacked." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, that sounds amazing. You know what? The lady Jan Levinson wanted to go to Montego Bay." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "You took the ice queen? I don't buy it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well I'm looking at a photo, right now. And I'm telling 'ya, could be in Maxim." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "They wouldn't give you a subscription to Maxim." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh no?" }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK. Well, check this out. I am sending you some email. You got it?" }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Well, no. I got nothing." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Check it again. Hit refresh." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Yeah, Mike, still nothing." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK, wait a second. I sent it to you at... [reading computer screen] [email protected]. [email protected]. Uh oh." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Wait, I just got it from somebody else. Wow. This is hot. Damn! How do I get you out of this picture?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Darryl?! Hey. Hi. Where's Darryl?" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "He's in the office." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK, Hey, man, how's it going?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "All right, what's up Mike?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's great, OK. Um, so did you get an email from me?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yup." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK. Well, that was supposed to go to Packer, not \"packaging.\" Did you already, um, forward to a whole bunch of people?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Uh huh." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK. Um, well, did you get the second email that I sent? Explaining that the first email was a mistake and that you should delete it." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yup." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And you sent that out to everyone?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Mike, I'm very busy down here. [eats chicken]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yikes." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Already sent it to you my friend." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Fantastic." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Boring. Call me if she rolls over." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You OK?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You sure?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah. Yes. Um, I'm just in this, like, stupid fight with Karen." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh. You want to talk about it?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Really?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I have a special assignment for you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Who's the target?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "A sensitive email has been released to the office. It contains a file, a picture. The file name is \"Jamaican Jan Sun Princess.\"" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What's it of?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Not important." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Unless you're willing to tell me everything, I cannot accept this assignment." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK, forget it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "OK, I accept it." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "So, I dunno, I just feel likes we've been dating a month, right? Same street. I think that might be a little close. A little much." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hmm." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hmm, what?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "How far away does she live now, like ten minutes?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, I guess." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Honestly, I think you should go easy on her." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, I didn't mind helping Jim with his problem. That's what friends do. I help Phyllis all the time. Just yesterday, I untangled a piece of tape from her hair. So, yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, thanks a lot." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, don't worry about it. I mean, it's better than listening to Michael play a conch shell... which is what I was doing. Oh, also, Michael went to Jamaica with Jan!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, yeah, How have we not talked about this already? I mean what happened there? Kidnapping? [both start laughing]" } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Hey I need to talk to you right now." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Not now, not ever." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "About you and Jan." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Aww, none of your business." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Wish it were true, but it, it uh, seems from that photo that you took, you've entered into an intimate relationship." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That photo is my personal property and if you are telling me you went on my computer and stole that photo, then I am going to call the cops." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Michael, nine different people emailed me that photo, including my ex-wife... we don't talk now." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "This is probably the icebreaker you need." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "You know, for your own protection, you should disclose the relationship to HR." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I bet you would love all the details, wouldn't you? Skeevy little perv." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "All right, if you're having a relationship with your superior, you must disclose it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, no. I am not dating Jan. She was very clear about that. Just two like souls having a romantic time in the most romantic place on earth. Got enough, weirdo?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "All right, thanks Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "OK, we only have three hours people to plan a whole luau, and you're not helping." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "What are the ingredients of poi?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I called every grocery store in Scranton, and no one sells whole pigs." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Did you try the petting zoo?" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[on phone] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Just a second. Michael, it's Jan on the phone for you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, God, no. No, no! Hang up! Hang up! Tell her I'm not here. Tell... tell her, I ran out for cash. I hit a deer. I hit a deer with my car. Tell her I hit a cat. Tell her I hit a cat." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "He'll call you back. OK, great." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "She bought it? [Pam nods] OK. OK." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[to Jim and Ryan] Michael hit a deer?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael! Michael! [pokes head through blinds in Michael's office] There's an emergency in the warehouse." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "There an accident? Somebody hurt?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, it's... involves the photograph." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh. God. No, no, no, no, no." } ], [ { "character": "Roy", "line": "[starts clapping] Mike, you are a rock star, man. You are the man! Well done." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right. [continued clapping and cheering for Michael]" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "That corporate booty, he likes to hit it!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hello. Hi. Attention everyone. Um, apparently, there is an email circulating around that contains a very PG-13 rating picture of me and a woman---" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Jan." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, Kevin. A woman. Maybe Jan, maybe..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Urkel Grue." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "My point is that, if you get it, I would ask that you just delete it. Sight unseen. Let's be professional, all right?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Feelin'... feelin' hot, hot, hot! [plays conch shell]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What are you doing out here?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Island living. You know?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Jan called. She's coming in later to talk to you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Did she say what it's about?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That's all she said." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ole ole - ole ole... Ole ole - ole ole. People in the party - hot hot hot [playing conch shell]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh, I think you dropped this [hands over piece of paper]" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "You sure?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Definitely." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I have disconnected the office T1 line. I have ordered that that [referring to large picture of Michael and Jan in Jamaica on the wall] be taken down and destroyed all print outs from the bathroom." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "There are copies in the bathroom?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "There were. A lot of them." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right." } ], [ { "character": "Karen", "line": "I think I owe you one." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Sorry?" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "For talking sense into Halpert. The Day's Inn room 228 was starting to get really depressing." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, yeah, no. Don't worry about it. I mean, he was being ridiculous." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Yeah, but... thanks. Seriously." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Sure." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Oh, yes! Yes! What'd I tell you? I knew he'd turn up [holds up an iPod inside speakers] You see that? This is the greatest night of my life." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Who did this to you? [refers to Pam crying] Where is he?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What? No, it's not... it's nothing." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[takes off coat to tie around waist] It's hot in here." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[Dwight hands out handkerchief] Thanks. You don't need to stay here." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I know. [puts arm around Pam who continues to cry] So you're PMSing pretty bad, huh?" } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "Hello everyone. Hello Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Guh." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hi Jan, you look... tan." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I was in Scottsdale visiting my sister." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah. How was it?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Very sunny. Family's important. Michael, I would like to speak with you, in your office." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK, yup." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "Why am I here, Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "In the last year, I've gone through a divorce, an identity theft, a husband who would not... communicate. This is nether here or there. My psychiatrist thinks that I have some self-destructive tendencies and that for once, I should indulge them. You following me?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I... I... Yes." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I think I owe it to myself to find some kind of happiness, you know? I mean, even, even if it means... lowering my expectations or, or redefining the word, itself." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK, yeah." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "This is the kind of thing, you know? I am... attracted to you. I, I don't know why, I... but, I am. And, I need to follow my instincts. At least that's what Dr. Perry thinks." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Who is Dr. Perry? I..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "This is the point, OK? You're wrong for me. In... In... every way. But I still find myself wanting to... be with you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And I, to you, in addition, feel the same feelings that you are as well." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Good, good." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So, umm... thanks for coming by. So, I, uh..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Well, good, OK. Thank you... for taking the time..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well thanks for coming over, I appreciate - [Jan leans over and kisses Michael passionately]" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Wait 15 minutes, find an excuse, and meet me at your condo." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jan, you... complete... me." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Oh, God." } ], [ { "character": "Roy", "line": "Hey, remember when we were planning our honeymoon and you wanted to go to Hawaii and I wanted to go to Mexico?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "I was definitely right. [both laugh] Oh, brother." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "What am I going to do? [Refers to large pictures of Jan and Michael] I'm gonna hang it up at home. I don't have a lot of art. [smirks]" } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I just had the best, most romantic week of my life in Sandals, Jamaica. Went with a lady, and we laid on the beach and drank fruity drinks for free, because it was all-inclusive. And then I flew back to Scranton, and then they lost one of my bags." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, Mister tally man, tally me banana, six hand, seven hand, eight hand, BRUNCH! [snickers] So delicious. Dinner, too. And every morning I would watch the sunrise and I would eat a mango. That is how I want to feel all the time. It's called island living. You know, how they say take a chill pill? In Jamaica, I took one. Guy on the beach sold it to me for $40. And after I finished vomiting, I was more relaxed than I ever have been. Lost six pounds, too. That's how I want every day to be." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael sends me a postcard from every vacation he goes on. Atlantic City, he wishes I was here. Busch Gardens, Virginia, all I got was this lousy postcard. And this time, I'm Jamaican-him-crazy. I don't know how far away he thought he was, because he put $10 worth of stamps on this." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hello, you're back." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, mon. Me just got back to the office." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "While you were gone..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Me had an i-rey time." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "While you were gone, Jim glued my desk drawers together. He changed my voicemail so that my voice sounded like a chipmunk. He told me that we had a meeting at 4:00 AM, and I was the only one who showed up." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight, please, please." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "He turned over my..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I just got back from vacation, mon, all right? So chill. Let's don't... Don't harsh my mellow, mon." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I took a vacation once. Never again. While I was away, Jim had my desk shipped to me in Roswell." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Presents. I got presents for everybody. Dwight, a genuine Rastafarian wig." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Unbelievable." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Andy, I got you a genuine Jamaican T-shirt. They love Milli Vanilli down there." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I give thanks, mon." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You are so welcome, mon. Angela, you just got leied. [puts lei on Angela]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No, I didn't." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, you did. Okay. Oh, Pam, I forgot to get you something." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That's okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm just kidding. Coconuts for your coconuts!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[laughs] Try it on." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Go ahead. Let me know if I miscalculated the size. I don't think I did." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Stanley, I got you some ganja. I'm just kidding. It's coffee. I bet you wish it was ganja." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I just got back from vacay. Come on. Give me a break, man. [holds up CD] Waves over Jamaica, $6.99." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "Did he actually give you some ganja?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "You want some?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, let me tell you a little story. When I was on vacation, I met a man named Bavon. And Bavon takes people parasailing. And you know what he said to me? He said that he loves going to work every day. How many of you can say that you love going to work every day like Bavon? [Dwight and Andy raises hand] No one." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "But, Michael, Buvon gets to go parasailing every day, and that's fun." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "His name is Bavon. And you know what? I'm sure Bavon gets sick of his job, too. I'm sure he would like to take a day off. I'm sure he would like to spend a vacation selling paper, but he has the right attitude. And that is something that you learn when you go to Jamaica, and you really apply yourself." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I would love to take them all to Jamaica, but is that good management? Yes. But is it the best management? Well, I can't afford it, and corporate won't pay for it. So who's the real criminal?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "How many of you know the meaning of the Jamaican term, Hakuna Matata?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[raises hand] Are you stoned?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "In the picture, are you high?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, that's red eye." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Is that not what happens when you're high?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "You look like you have the munchies." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well..." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I have the munchies. I'm gonna get some of those chocolate wafers." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, can we just focus?" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael and Jan together in Jamaica. I guess I would just need a little bit more evidence than seeing it with my own eyes." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I don't know if Michael and Jan really went to Jamaica, because Michael's way into Photoshop. For example, I never went with him to Egypt. [holds up picture with Michael and himself in Egypt]" } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Where did you save the list of exchanges?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I will gladly give you that information when my bonus comes through." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "But I won't be able to do inventory without it." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Then you won't be able to do inventory." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yeah, I really like Stanley, but I'm not always sure if he likes me. I guess that's okay, 'cause I don't really like him." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Come on. Come on." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. Well, Jan's email password is not Dunder Mifflin, Sandals, Jamaica, Michael, Michael Scott, Jan Scott, or Mrs. Jan Scott." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Try Dwight." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Her passwords aren't going to be Dwight, Dwight. That's stupid. Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Don't you have some sort of chaser or gobbler thing that you can send out that's able to eat up that other emails? I read about something like that. Well, I am in America and I am online, so I do think it involves you. Uh-huh. And if I were a subscriber, would then you be able to send out the gobbler? I'd... Yes, I will hold." } ], [ { "character": "Someone", "line": "So your trip to Scottsdale was good?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Oh yeah, Arizona's beautiful. Yeah. It's great to... great to see my sister." }, { "character": "Someone", "line": "Burnt." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Oh, yeah, I know. I don't... I don't normally lay out in the sun a lot, but, you know, when it's Scottsdale... I was visiting my sister and..." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "When a woman gets older, she'll go just about anywhere with just about anyone. I've done some things I'm not so proud of, but I've seen the world." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Your body is a temple. You have to respect it. You can't just whore it out." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I should be turned on. But, last year, remember, I had that skin cancer scare, and so now all I can think is that I hope she was wearing sunscreen. God, I would love to rub some on her." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The worst part about the Internet, when a secret is out, everyone knows. The best part about the Internet, that video of the dancing Indian midget, crossbow.org, massively multiplayer online gaming, i.e. Everquest. I also enjoy online banking." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay. So I went on the Internet, and she is not gonna find another apartment for that price. I mean this one is twice as much, and it doesn't have parking. Does she like to park?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, loves it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay. This one is the same price but it's got..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Green walls." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I think that's mold." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ooh... fancy." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Spiderman, Peter Parker, would not reveal his love for Mary Jane for fear that she might be captured and harmed by the Green Goblin. Now, if Michael had studied the Spidey principles that I'd drawn up for him, Jan's boobs might not be all over the Internet. [Dwight pretends to shoot out webs from his palms]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Attention everyone! May I have your attention, please? Listen up. If we all work really hard and focus, we should be out of here in seven hours. Now, somewhere in these stacks, I have hidden a deck of cards. That should motivate you to keep your eyes open. If you find the deck of cards, you can redeem it with me in exchange for a free soft drink. [Jim shuffles the deck of cards] Get back... Back to work!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes, it is The Island Luau Inventory '07. It's actually a success compared to Disco Audit '05." } ], [ { "character": "Roy", "line": "What's the problem?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "We have seven fewer boxes of Canariola copier paper in stock than we're supposed to." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Let me see this. [scans one box seven times] Looks good to me." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I wouldn't have come, but I know Jan is showing up soon. I don't wanna miss the show." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Kelly singing] Hey! Hey! Stop your mouth, please." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Eighty-six. Eighty-seven. [singing] Eighty-eight. Eighty-nine." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey Dwight, I bet I can stack faster than you can." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Please, I can double your pace." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, yeah? Prove it, champ. You ready?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Let's go." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "One, two, three, go!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Dwight and Andy stacking boxes rapidly] Nice." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Get out of my way, Jim!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jim, move!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Dang it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Two at a time!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Those aren't straight. Totally crooked. Totally crooked. You're disqualified." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "[to herself] Be careful. [yells as boxes fall on her] Hello? I'm stuck!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, Stanley, in case I don't see you again after tonight, here is your bonus, $1,000 cash. Keep the change. [hands Stanley a piece of Jamaican currency]" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "There is a butterfly on this. Why?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It is Jamaican. The exchange rate is 65-to-1. I don't remember in which direction." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "So it's either worth $15 bucks or $65,000." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, good luck with that." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "You know, I actually lived in Honolulu for a year." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh, so you've been to a real luau." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I tried. We didn't have time." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You're a box short on the black, medium-line ballpoints." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "I don't know what to tell you." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "One year, I had a close acquaintance of mine back a truck in here and clean out this whole place. That was a very good year. I think they blamed it on some kid." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jim, could you come in here please?" }, { "character": "Harvey", "line": "Hi, Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hello." }, { "character": "Harvey", "line": "I am Harvey, a computer. Jim sucks." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sorry, oh wow, that's so rude. I'm sorry, I can't control him." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, you can." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what? Get Pam." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "For this?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam." }, { "character": "Harvey", "line": "Pam, you look very hot today." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Pam, meet Harvey. This is Michael's new friend." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Great." }, { "character": "Harvey", "line": "Me so horny. Me love you long tim." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, that is gross." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Who is 'Long Tim'?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Damn it." }, { "character": "Harvey", "line": "Long time. Me lobe yoy long time." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh well, 'Yoy' should bring in 'Long Tim' in one day. Shouldn't he?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I would love to meet Long Tim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah. Right?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Harvey", "line": "You ruined a funny joke, you. Get out of my offive." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ok. Bye Harvey." }, { "character": "Harvey", "line": "Boobs." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Angela." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "That was a voicemail that corporate left last night. They did not get our tax forms. Did you send them?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "They arrived this morning." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Are you sure? It is a big deal." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Is it a big deal? Is it Kevin?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "... Do you really not know? Because it is a big deal." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Five of us transferred from Stamford. There are two of us left. Me and Karen. It's like we are touring Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory and dropping off one by one. Well, guess what? I am not falling in a chocolate river." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Everything ok? [Takes candy from Pam's desk]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Everything is fine. You are in the clear." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Thank you. [Puts candy back] I... I don't want those." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight, care to join us, finally? Thank you." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey Dwight, pass the tardy sauce. Get it Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes. Ok, here is the dream team. My sales dream team. Today we are going to team up for sales calls. Andy, since this was your idea, you get to pick first." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hmmm, well... let me think about this for a minute. Oh, I don't know. Michael Scott." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ph. D. Doctor of Sales." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, I appreciate that. That is very gracious of you." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well, it is very gracious of you to accept." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, thank you sir. Ok, now going by seniority. Phyllis, our resident senior." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "We're the same age and I'll pick... Karen." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Oh, uh, thanks." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good. Next up, Superfly himself, Stanley." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Pass." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You can't pass. You've got to pick somebody." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "... I'll take the kid." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I am very flattered. I was his second choice after \"Pass.\"" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "So that just leaves Dwight and Jim." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ok, wait. Does anyone want to trade?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yup. I'll trade." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dwight and I used to go on sales calls all the time. In fact, I have a picture to remember that time. Oh young Jim. There is just so much I need to warn you about. And yet, tragically, I cannot." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Sebring by Chrysler. Heck of a... motor... carriage." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yup?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Here ya go. [throws laundry]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah! You want shirts on hangers?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Please." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "He does your laundry?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Long story. All right everybody, circle up. Here we go. You know what this is? This is the \"Amazing Race.\" [To Ryan and Stanley] And you guys are the retired marines. [To Phyllis and Karen] And you guys are the mother and daughter. [To Dwight and Jim] And you guys are the gay couple. And we are the firefighter heroes. Are we ready to go?" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Wait, \"Amazing Race\" like, the biggest sale wins?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, we're just going to rush out, do the sales thing, and come back." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Is there a prize?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just bragging rights." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Then how is this \"Amazing Race\"?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's just... brrrrrr... It's \"Amazing Race,\" Phyllis. Okay? We're in teams of two and we are on a mission. All right, so, on your mark, get set, go. Let's do it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Come on!!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Michael. [Michael throws Phyllis' keys under the car.]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Whoah, whoah. Oh hahahaha. Vamanos!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Bueno." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Do you have a pole?" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Let's go get a broom." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Seriously? You're going to sit in the back?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Uh, yeah. It's the safest part of the car. In the event of a crash, the driver always protects his side of the car first." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Here we go." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "In order to take down Dwight, I have to chip away at his ally, which, in this case, is Michael. Here's the good news. Every success I've ever had at my job or with the lady-folk has come from my ability to slowly and painfully wear someone down." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "What's the deal with Dwight doing your laundry?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ugh... that is a long story. Um, couple of months ago, Dwight tried to go behind my back with Jan and get my job and I am now having him do my laundry as punishment." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Wow, that is a long story, but quite well told, Michael. I find it very interesting. Especially about the part Dwight going behind your back and basically, like, being a terrible person. You know if you want your laundry done right? I used to work at Abercrombie. So, pretty good folder." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Hey Pam. Would you like to go with me to grab a coffee?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yeah, I could use some fresh air. Might be fun." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ok. Sure." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Ok." } ], [ { "character": "Karen", "line": "Why are we turning in here, this is a beauty salon?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Um-hmmm." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Hey, do you mind if I take the lead on this one and then you can critique me after?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "You want the lead?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah, if you don't mind." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Mind? Nothing would delight me more." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Leave the keys." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You still do that thing?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Leave the keys!" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I think you have assembled an amazing team at Scranton. It's really a pleasure to be a part of it. It's like, everyone has their own special skill, you know, just like the Superfriends. Except for Dwight, who is more like a SuperDud. I mean, he would be a Superfriend if there was a Superfriend whose super power was always being late. You know?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hawkman." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "My plan is taking longer than I thought but I don't give up easily. I have walked two marathons." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Walks out of the Ladies' Restroom] Let's go. The men's room was disgusting." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "After you sir." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No thank you, I never let anyone walk behind me. Seven out of ten attacks are from the rear." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok, well, that still leaves a 30% chance that I will attack you from the front." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Uh, yeah, but it will be easier to stop. I can always block the blow. I can counter it with... [Jim slaps Dwight]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Angela, you seem so happy. I bet you wish you were like this all the time." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "This friend of mine - let's call her Noelle - she missed this deadline turning something in to Corporate in New York. But then this gallant gentleman - we'll call him Kurt - he drove all the way to New York and handed it in for her. That's... I don't know. I guess he really just likes her a lot." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That's great." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yes, it is. [Walks up to the counter where there is no employee] Hello?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, did you catch that up at Lake Wallenpaupack?" }, { "character": "Buyer", "line": "Yep." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know, I used to go up there all the time with my step-dad, and I never caught anything that big." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Caught an eighty-pound shark off of Montauk. It's in the Hamptons. My dad's got a 42-ft Bayliner. Sniped it with a rifle from the crow's nest. Also shot a deer once." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what? Let's get right down to it. Dunder-Mifflin may be just two rooms and a warehouse, but what we lack in flash, we will make up for with hardwork and decency." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ok, this is the classic undersell because you should know we don't work out of a log cabin. We trade on the New York Stock Exchange. Ever heard of it? It's in New York." }, { "character": "Buyer", "line": "Uh, I have to say I am a little wary with getting involved with a big company. We've had some problems in the past." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I think what Andy is trying to express is that while we have the resources of a large company, we will give you the care and attention of a small company." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, man, that is, like, poetry." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I swear, this guy could sell paper to a tree." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Stop it. [Puts his hand on Andy's shoulder] Stop it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ow." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh man. Talk about your classic \"Lame dash O.\" Do we even want that guy buying our paper?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I... I'm so sorry man. I really screwed that up." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ah, no. Don't worry about it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I really 'Schruted' it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "'Schruted' it. It's just this thing that people say around your office all the time. Like, when you screw something up in a really irreversible way, you 'Schruted' it. I don't know where it comes from though. Do you think it comes from Dwight Schrute?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't know. Who knows how words are formed." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "It's a big order. Thanks Kenny." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Yeah, thank you." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Hey, how's Annie?" }, { "character": "Kenny", "line": "Oh, she's great. This is us last year in Bermuda. Lovely place. You ever been to Bermuda?" } ], [ { "character": "Julius", "line": "Stanley Hudson." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Ah, Julius, how's it goin'?" }, { "character": "Julius", "line": "Great, great, great." }, { "character": "Guy", "line": "Stanley." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "So good to see you too. I'd like you fellas to meet Ryan Howard." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I'm gonna let Ryan do a little pitch for you while I do my crossword. Ryan?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Um... [To the Buyers] Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi." }, { "character": "Julius", "line": "Hello, Ryan. What do you have for us?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Oh..." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "We can offer our biggest discounts on 30% recycled and ultra-premium laser." }, { "character": "Man", "line": "'Kay. 'Kay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Can I use your phone?" }, { "character": "Man", "line": "Yeah, sure, go ahead." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thanks." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Let me talk to you about a few of the other things we can offer. Namely, we know the tax season is coming up, so by April 1st we can have you fully stocked." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[On Phone] One..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "We have discount prices on ink cartridges..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Three..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And, also, any forms that you are going to need..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Seven..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "We can custom make them." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Ha ha ha! And you just said, \"Hi! Hi! Hi!\" Ha heh ha! You sounded like my niece, and she's six months old!" } ], [ { "character": "Man", "line": "We'll I appreciate what you guys are saying but it, uh, makes more fiscal sense to go with one of the big guys." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Sure." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Sure, that's true we can't compete with their prices. But let me ask you something. How important to you is customer service?" }, { "character": "Man", "line": "It's very." }, { "character": "Phone", "line": "Please keep holding, your call is very important to us." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Erm, that's one of the 'Big guys.' Been on hold this whole time." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Dials cell Phone] And this is Dunder-Mifflin." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Dunder-Mifflin customer service, this is Kelly." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, Kelly, it's Jim." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh my god, Jim. How are you ? I wanted to tell you ... . [Jim hangs up]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Here is my card. It's got my Cell number, my pager number, my home number, and my other pager number. I never take vacations, I never get sick, and I don't celebrate any major holidays." }, { "character": "Man", "line": "All right, I get it. We got a deal." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thanks." } ], [ { "character": "Karen", "line": "Thanks. That was fun." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yeah, I really enjoy spending time with you. You are a very nice person." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I'm so glad you're with Jim. He was hung up on Pam for such a long time. Never thought he would get over her." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "That's nice." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "You can pay me back later for the makeover." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey boss. Got a minute?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, Andy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I forget, why did Dwight say he was late this morning?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "He didn't say." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That's weird. Because I was just walking past his desk and I saw this, which is a tollbooth receipt from New York City, stamped really early this morning. So, why would Dwight go to New York without telling anyone? Do you think he went to see Jan? That's not like him. Is it? Someone told me a story about this, with, like, laundry and betrayal. Did you betray Dwight and try to steal his job or something?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, you are remembering it wrong." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight betrayed me once before. So this is his strike two. You know what they say? Fool me once, strike one. But fool me twice, strike three." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I like Karen. She's pretty and appears intelligent." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, I like pretty women who have the appearance of intelligence." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "My girlfriend is also beautiful and smart. She could be a model or a college professor which is intimidating to a lot of guys." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "We should go on a double date." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No thank you." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "Dwight's name is on the security sign-in sheet, but I don't know who he met with. And where it asks to state your business, he wrote \"Beeswax. Not yours, Inc.\"" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I knew it. [Dwight and Jim walk in]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, doggie." } ], [ { "character": "Karen", "line": "Hey, do you want to grab a coffee?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Sure. Look at you!" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey, we nailed the sale!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Where were you this morning?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I overslept. Damn rooster didn't crow." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why do you lie, liar?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I am not a liar." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You are lying right now." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It sure seems like he is lying." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Stay out of this, you!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know that you went to corporate this morning, and I know that you lied about it. And given our history, I need you tell me this instant exactly what you were doing." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael, I cannot tell you what I was doing there. But you have to trust me, I would never do anything to hurt you or this company." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok, you know what? I want you to think about your future in this company. I want you to think about it long and hard." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's what she said." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Don't. Don't you dare. I want to know what you were doing this morning by the end of the day." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's going to be ok." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "How is going to be ok, Dwight? Everyone will know our business." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's not the worst thing in the world. I'll just stand up in front of the office and reveal our true love. It won't be that bad. Look at Kelly and Ryan." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I hate those two people more than anything in the entire world." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, I don't have a lot of choices." } ], [ { "character": "Karen", "line": "So, let me ask you a question." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Did you ever have a thing for Pam?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Pam? Did I ever have a 'thing' for her? No, why? Did she say something?" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "I moved here from Connecticut..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah. Ok, here's the ... I had a crush on her before I left. And I told her about it and she didn't feel the same way. So, it didn't amount to anything, and I left. I'm really glad you're here. 'Kay?" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "'Kay." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ahem-hem-hem. May I have your attention please? This will only take a moment of your time. Although I love this company more than almost anything in the world, I have decided to step down from my post and spend more time with my family. I do not fear the unknown and I will meet my new challenges head-on and I will succeed. And I will laugh in the faces of those who doubt me. It has been a pleasure working with some of you and I will not forget those of you soon but remember, while today it is me, we all shall fall. In other words, I am quitting. So... ." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oompa-Loompa Doompity-Dawesome, Dwight is now gone which is totally awesome. Why was he gone, he was such a nice guy? No, he was not. He was a total douche. Doompity-doomp." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I would like to give the rest of my belongings to Michael Scott. Just take them. Except this." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good luck." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Dwight will be missed. Not by me so much, but, he will be missed." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Dwight, from sales, was one of the most honorable and efficient employees this company has ever had." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "One of my life goals was to die right here in my desk chair. And today, that dream was shattered." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey man. [Dwight hugs Jim and leaves]" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "What happened on your sales call?" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Um, am I happy the way things turned out? Oh, well, happy's such an ugly word. But, um, I saw what needed to be done and I did it and now I'm thrilled. So, it's pretty... [camera had focused in on Angela watching] Hello? Pretty good." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. [excited] This is Pam. I did?" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah I did a watercolor of Frances Willard Elementary School for a contest they were having. They were calling with the results. And I won. I won! My painting won. So I like to thank my mom for always encouraging me. And I like to thank my dad for buying me my first set of art pencils. And I'd like to thank the sixth grade class that picked me." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey Kev, guess what. I won an art contest today." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "How much did you win?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "$100." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I won $400 bucks on the Celtics game last night." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Cool. Congratulations." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Thanks, so sweet." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, Angela. I got good news today too. I won an art contest." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "That's great Pam. I like having these little moments with you. You know what? Sprinkles recently had kittens." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I would like to offer you the dominant male. His name is Ash." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Mmm-hmm." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hmm. I don't think so. But thanks. My building manager... is... You understand." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Well then. Have a nice day." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Beesley, coffee?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, thanks. I had some already." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, but, hey, Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I won an art contest today." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No way! All right Pam. Congratulations. [high five]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thanks." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Which one was it?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I sent in one of my watercolors." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Cool." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It was the new one I did." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "You ready Jim?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah. Can I see it when I get back?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Congratulations." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thanks." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Big deal." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I have left Dunder-Mifflin after many record-breaking years and am officially on the job market. And it's very exciting." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "For your convenience, I've broken it down into three parts: professional resume, athletic and special skills resume, and Dwight Schrute trivia." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I am ready to face any challenges that might be foolish enough to face me." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "How would I describe myself? Three words. Hard-working, Alpha male, Jackhammer, Merciless, Insatiable." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "There is nothing on my horizon except everything. Everything is on my horizon." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[in Staples uniform] I got this job to make some money while I continue my employment search. And uh, it's fine for the time being. Oops. Break's over." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[to Ryan] Big Turkey. [cellphone plays \"Rockin' Robin\"]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Is that you singing?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "All four parts. Recorded it on my computer. It took me forever." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nice job." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Thank you muchly. [cellphone continues playing]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You gonna answer it?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I called it myself. I just thought you'd get a kick out of the new ring." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yikes." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Side note. I'd just like to say I'm thrilled to be working directly beneath you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I feel I have a lot to learn from you, even though you're younger and have less experience. So here's to the future... Andy and the Tuna. [sings] Andy and the tuna..." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I miss Dwight. Congratulations, universe. You win." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, Dwight Schrute has left this company. More personnel turnover." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "The cost of doing business." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, well. It is a big loss. Dwight was the top salesman..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Was the top salesman..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I said 'was'." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[chuckles] Addition by subtraction." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What does that even mean? That is impossible." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Mmmm. Yeah you're right." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "But, there is some good news. Oscar is back. Addition by addition. So we are going to have a big party today to welcome him back and hopefully that will lift everybody's spirits." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Hey, everyone." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh, hello, Oscar. How was your gay-cation?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Oh, that's very funny." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah? I thought of it like, two seconds after you left." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[sits at his desk] Hi, Angela." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oscar." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey, boss." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, what's up." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Noooothin'. Ehrrrrrrrrr. Heh. Man. TGI-Wednesday. Am I right?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yep." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Gonna go home. Get my beer on. Get my \"Lost\" on. What are you doing later, wanna hang out?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't know. Maybe." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well, I will take that as a maybe. [Michael gets up] Where are you going?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Bathroom." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, well, I'm going to the kitchen, I'll walk with you." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[lurking by the bathroom door] Yeah, things are going pretty good. Gettin' a lot of face time with the boss." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oscar? I have a question. Would you like to join the party planning committee?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "The one of all women?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Because I'm gay?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No. No. Certain events have transpired. And I've thought about certain things. And I'm sorry for the way those certain events transpired. [starts to cry] And I would just like to make some changes about certain things and certain situations." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "OK, OK, OK, all right, all right. I'll join. I'd love to. That's -- thank you." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Thank you. [sniffles]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Can I join too?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Never." } ], [ { "character": "Staples Guy", "line": "You sell those two printers this morning? Nice work." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[scoffs] Child's play. Give me something hard to sell." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wow. [walks over to the plant] What is wrong with this thing? It looks terrible." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Do you want me to ask the cleaning crew if they stopped watering it?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah. And you know what? Ask them about the toys on my desk too. They always used to arrange them in a very pleasing way. It used to brighten my morning." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, that wasn't the night crew. That was Dwight." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really? That was very nice of him. We need more attitude like that around the office." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Feel ya, dawg." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, do you?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Absolutely." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What did I say?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You said... [makes gibberish noises]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Huh." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Which is like, \"Right on.\" And Pam was like \"blah blah blah\" and you were like \"Yeah, psht.\" Nailed it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, no." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, no." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Love that Andy, right? Solid fellow. Seems smart enough. Likes me a lot. A lot. Too much. Like a crazy person. A little. Not super crazy... just... there's something about him that creeps me out. I can't really explain it. He's always up in my bidness. Which is ebonics for \"being in my face and annoying the bejesus out of me.\" I don't understand how someone could have so little self-awareness." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I really have no preference. We don't even have to have a party." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, hey, hey. Don't be ridiculous. Of course we are going to have a party. A celebration of Oscar. Oscar night. And I want it to be Oscar-specific." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Michael --" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, no. I mean, not because you're gay. Your gayness does not define you. Your Mexican-ness is what defines you to me. And I think we should celebrate Oscar's Mexicanity. So Phyllis... I want you to go find firecrackers. And a Chihuahua. Pam, in the frozen food section, Swanson makes a delightful chimichanga." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Why don't you have me riding in on a donkey into the office like Pepe." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ah, a burro, of course. If Oscar wants a donkey, let's get him one." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Need any help?" }, { "character": "Lady", "line": "Oh, no, thank you. I'm just looking." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Great. I will literally be standing right here if you need anything at all." }, { "character": "Lady", "line": "Okay. [moves away]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I think I could go for some tuna fish right about now. Oh, oh, got my rod here. [fake casts off] Whizzzzz. [catches Jim] Click, click, click, click, click, click, click. [Jim gets up] Cli -- ah! I got one! I got one! Ahhhh!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "So Andy is in rare form today." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Yeah, you should not encourage him." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Encourage him? I'm the victim, okay? He's fishing for me. We've got to do something." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Look, I've got like fifteen new clients I inherited from Dwight and each file is password protected with a different mythical creature. So, I'm sorry. I can't." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Fine. Party pooper." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Who's that sportscaster that bit that lady? Marv something? Andy is like Marv Something. Great sportscaster. Big weirdo creep." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "185 pounder. Check it out. Whew! [\"displays\" Jim who looks thoroughly annoyed]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, Ryan?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You wanna pull a prank on Andy?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Not right now, but ask me again ten years ago." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I liked you better when you were the temp." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah, me too." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey guys. How's the workload on all of Dwight's old accounts? Handling it okay?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Sort of. He had a lot of clients." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, he did. Have any of you talked to Dwight?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Oh, sure, we talk all the time." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Don't - don't do that. That's not nice. What about you, Phyllis? You and Dwight were close." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "No. Sorry." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Dwight has a big personality and I have a big personality. And a lot of times when two people like that get together it can be explosive." } ], [ { "character": "Paris", "line": "Really comin' down out there. Commute's gonna be hell." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I have snow tires and chains. Plus exceptional hand-eye coordination." }, { "character": "Paris", "line": "So um, where were you workin' before this?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Dunder-Mifflin." }, { "character": "Paris", "line": "What kind of company is that?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[scoffs] Paper company. They're only one of Staples' top competitors in the area." }, { "character": "Paris", "line": "I never heard of 'em." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Whoa. Really? Have you heard of paper?" }, { "character": "Paris", "line": "You gonna be like that, huh?" } ], [ { "character": "Paris", "line": "I don't like him, his giant head, or his beady little eyes. That's all I got to say on the matter." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[singing] In your he-ead, in your he-eyd-ed. Zombie. Zombie. Zombie. Ey, ey, ey, ey. In your he-eyd-ed." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Would you like to pull a prank on Andy?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, I'm kind of in the middle of -- yes please." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, good. Stay right here." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[after Jim knocks over his pencils] Oh. Good move, Tuna. Nice one." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[hands Pam Andy's phone] Are there any messages?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Nope." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "So weird." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[takes the phone] Hmm." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nice to have Oscar back." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Large Tuna. Have you seen my cell phone device?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Cause someone is calling right now. There is a call." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Angela?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oh. [hands Pam tape]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Is everything okay?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "What's going on?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What are you talking about?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Where is my FREAKING phone?!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know what? Maybe it's in the ceiling." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Maybe you're in the ceiling!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[trying to look in Phyllis's desk, she slams the drawer shut] I don't trust you, Phyllis!" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "I wanted to let you know that Dwight was late that morning because he was driving to New York to drop off the correlated documents that I forgot to send. Though to be fair, Kevin never reminded me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why would Dwight do that for you? I think I know why. Because Dwight loves this company." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do you think that anyone else out there would have driven to corporate for you?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "None of them. Especially not Andy." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam, I have a mission to accomplish. Make sure this party gets rolling and I will be back shortly." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Wait up. Where are you going? Do you want me to come with?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Just listen, I forgot to tell you the plan for this Saturday. You, me, bars, beers, buzzed. Wings. Shots. Drunk. Waitresses, hot. Football - Cornell/Hofstra. Slaughter. Then a quick nap at my place and we'll hit the tiz-own." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. I don't want to do any of that." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Duh. Which is why I was just joking about doing that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, just stop. Stop. Stop doing it. You're going to drive me crazy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Fine. I'll just sit at my desk and be quiet. Sorry I annoyed you with my friendship. [Andy's phone rings] Excuse me. And I'm also sorry that a lot of people here for some reason think it's funny to steal someone's personal property and hide it from them. Here's a little newsflash! It's not funny! In fact, it's pretty freakin' unfunny! Oh, my GOD. [punches a hole in the wall] That... was an overreaction. Gonna hit the break room. Does anybody want anything? Pam, you good?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Sure? Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[to customer] Well, that question is meaningless. Just go with the copy paper. It's your funeral. See how that works out for you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What's up?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Same old." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um. It takes a big man to admit his mistake. And I am that big man. Angela from accounting told me what you did." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh my God, she told you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, she did. And Dwight, if you were willing to do something like that for some random co-worker, then clearly I have misjudged you from the beginning, and I apologize." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Accepted." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "How's this place treating you?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[scoffs] The boss isn't funny." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, well." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I don't get to wear my ties." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. I'm sure." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So, maybe you should come back. You should come back. Please." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I don't want to do your laundry anymore." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We can talk about that. [Dwight high fives Michael] All right." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[inspecting the hole in the wall] Oh my God, that's half-inch drywall." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I think we broke his brain. [they both snicker]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[imitating Andy] \"It's not freakin' funny!\"" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Are you enjoying your fiesta?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Actually, yeah. I didn't think I would, but turns out -- [Angela walks away] it's great." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ladies and gentlemen! May I present... Mr. Dwight Schrute!" }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Yay. [scattered appalause]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Welcome back." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, Dwight, you can let go of her hand. You're gonna break it. [looks around the room] Not bad, huh?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You did this for me? [camera pans to \"Welcome Back Oscar\" sign]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Guilty." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "Oh... Where did you get this stuff?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Gerty's." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Which aisle?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I don't remember." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Well, draw me a map, mama." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam. I will shake mine and then you will shake yours." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, I will not." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "So does this remind you of your childhood right now?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "It reminds me a lot of the 'Three Amigos' with Steve Martin and Chevy Chase." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wow. Thank you. Wow, that's-- thanks so much." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "[sighs] Do you still have feelings for her?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[long pause and then he sighs and nods] Yes." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "And now, ladies and gentlemen, the big finale! Sir, would you do the honor? [hands broom to Dwight, though Oscar thinks he's handing it to him]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, man. [Kevin starts to put a blindfold on] No, no, no. I don't need it. Get out! [beats up pinata]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "It takes a big man to admit his mistake and that's what I did. The important thing is I learned something. I don't want somebody sucking up to me because they think I'm going to help their career. I want them sucking up to me because they genuinely love me. Hmm." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "So Michael had a little chat with corporate and they decided to send me to management training. Anger management, technically, but still. Management material. [gets out of his car] This whole thing supposed to take ten weeks, but I can be done in five. How? Name repetition, personality mirroring, and positive reinforcement through nods and smiles. So, don't worry about old Andy Bernard. I'll be back. Just like Rambo, so." }, { "character": "Marcy", "line": "Oh, hi. You must be Andy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, hi! Yes. I am and you must be... Marcy!" }, { "character": "Marcy", "line": "That's right, it's so good to meet you." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It's so good to meet you!" }, { "character": "Marcy", "line": "Thanks. Well, you ready to have some fun?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah." } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hello son. If you're watching this, that means I'm already dead. Life is a road---" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "How do you know it's going to be a boy?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "How, would you stop interrupting please?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yesterday I was scraping some gunk off my wall sockets with a metal fork and I gave myself the nastiest shock. And when I came to, I had an epiphery. Life is precious. And if I die I want my son to know the dealio. The dealio of life." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Here are some things that I want to teach you that your mother won't be able to." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "To jump start a car, first pop the hood. Then you take these bad boys and clip them anywhere on the engine. Then you take these and clip them wherever." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[Shakes head]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Number eight, learn how to take off a woman's bra." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We will demonstrate on Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No. No. [Leaves]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Come on." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Dwight is wearing a bra] You just twist your hand until something breaks." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ow." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well you get the picture. Thanks Pam." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "And remember no matter what, I will always love you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What if he's a murderer?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "He's not going to be a murderer." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Maybe that's how you die." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what, Dwight, do you want to do this, or no?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I want to do this." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. From the top. Ready? Three-" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Action." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hello everyone! As you know, we are six days away from Phyllis' wedding. [Applause] So get your suits to the dry cleaner and get your hair did. And Karen, um, you might want to invest in a dress or a skirt of some kind if you don't already have one. This may be Phyllis' only wedding ever. It is my job to ensure that none of you look like ragamuffins. So I am instituting prima nocta." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Prima nocta, I believe from the movie Braveheart, and confirmed on wikipedia, is when the king got to deflower every new bride on her wedding night. So..." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm sorry. I had a very different understanding as to what prima nocta meant." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm trying to get everyone excited about Phyllis' wedding because I want her to get people excited about my wedding when the time comes. Which won't be hard, because it's going to be awesome. A lot better than hers, that's for sure. It'll probably be on a boat." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "What's up spinsters?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Nothing. You know this is a luncheon shower. Girls only." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No problem. The guys are having a little shindig of their own in the warehouse. From 2:30 to 3:15. It is the only time that Bob was available. Sort of a guy's night out. A G-N-O if you will. A Gah-No. Actually, it's more of a guy's afternoon in. A G-A-I. A gay. Not- not- it's uh, not gay, it's just a, it's a bridal shower for guys. A guy shower. An hour long shower with guys." } ], [ { "character": "Karen", "line": "I guess Jim and I have had a little bit of a rough patch for the past couple weeks but we had some really good talks and actually now I think that we're better than ever." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Karen and I had a long talk last night and the night before that and uh, every night, for the last five nights." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Something's up with Jim and Karen. Not that I've been eavesdropping. It's not really any of my business, but I've gotten pretty good at reading the back of Jim's neck." } ], [ { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Halpert! Tall, queer, handsome as ever. Hey everybody it's me, Jim. Hello, hello. Todd Packer." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Karen Fillipelli. Jim's girlfriend." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Shut up!" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Yep." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Shut it!" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "That's rude." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Either this chick is a dude or Halpert got scared straight!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes. Yes! Oh! There-oh! [Clutches chest and falls to the floor]" }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "What happened?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh God-" }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Quick somebody help! Help the man! [Pretends to kick Michael]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, no!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I can't believe you're not going to be there. It's going to be good, it's going to be a great bachelor party man." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "I have a full day of sales calls." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You should get out of them." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "[Breaks pencil.]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's the only time he can do it. 2:30 to 3:15. It's going to be great. We're going to be doing some darts, we're going to be grilling up some steaks, got some pie. Going to be very delicious." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "And what kind of stripper did you get?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I did not order a stripper." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "You didn't order a stripper? Have you ever even been to a bachelor party?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um, not personally, no." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Mike, okay, a stripper is bachelor party 101. If you don't get a stripper your party is going to suck it hard." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I can't get a stripper here. Sexual Harassment." }, { "character": "Todd Packer", "line": "Just get one for the girls too. That evens it out. You know, separate but equal." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So that's what that means." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay everybody, slight change of plans, we are still going to be having two parties but each is going to get a little extra dose of naught-ay. Uh! [Spanks himself]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Alright! Uh! [Spanks himself]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Gay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. Co-ed naked strippers in this office. For realsies." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Under no circumstance should a man strip off his clothes in this office." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "SHUT UP ANGELA!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ugh." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ugh." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Everything okay?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh yeah. Why?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well you seem a little tired." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh. Yeah well, I guess there's been a couple late nights. Karen and I have been up talking." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You should get more sleep." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, I know I should." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Never underestimate the power of a good night's sleep." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, I'm sure you're right." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "When I get eight hours, compared to like six hours, like, big difference." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh yeah. Gotta get your REM cycle going with the whole sleeping. Better than not." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Good advice Beesley. Thanks. See you out there." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah. Don't fall asleep at your desk. [Turning towards the vending machine] Oh my God." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. We are off. Ryan and I are going to go get some supplies and I need you to handle hiring the strippers." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Absolutely not." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm on it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well get on it. And make it happen." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ruddy cheeks, thick calves, no tats, no moles, no tats. No, TATS. Of course I want-" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Stop. That's disgusting." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Leave me alone and get the male stripper." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Fine." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I knew you would, Nancy." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Sally." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No preference, what do you think redhead or brunette?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Blonde." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Nice. Do you have any blonde women?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Giggles.]" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "He hasn't even said a word yet. Just giggling." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Pokes Ryan with a sex toy.] Gotcha, oh! [Phone rings.] Yes?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Are you okay?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm in the, I'm in the sex shop." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ah, gotcha. Okay, so they have Albert Einstein, Ben Franklin, or Sponge Bob Squarepants." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Squarepants?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yep, Spongebob Squarepants." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And you think that'd be sexy?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Michael referred me to a male strip club called Banana Slings. Instead, I called the Scholastic Speakers of Pennsylvania." } ], [ { "character": "Ben Franklin", "line": "Hold the door please!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Ben Franklin", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh. Hello!" }, { "character": "Ben Franklin", "line": "Hello!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You wearing a thong?" }, { "character": "Ben Franklin", "line": "What?" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Sparkling cider is very good." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I think that's champagne." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[Spits champagne back into her glass]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hello ladies. Who here is a history buff? Who's a fan of buff naked? Without further ado, the one, the only, the sexy Mr. Benjamin Franklin." }, { "character": "Ben Franklin", "line": "Thank you for that introduction, Mr. Scott, and good afternoon fine gentlewomen of Dunder Mifflin." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Half pants, right Mr. Franklin?" }, { "character": "Ben Franklin", "line": "Knickers in fact, yes!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "He's in his knickers. Mr. Franklin, I would say you are probably one of the sexiest presidents ever." }, { "character": "Ben Franklin", "line": "Well, actually, I never was president." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, but, Ben Franklin was." }, { "character": "Ben Franklin", "line": "Ah. I'm here to teach you a little bit about my life and the era of the founding fathers." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And when they came over on the Mayflower. Bow chicka bow." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Wait, this is the entertainment?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, alright, so I want you to give him your undivided attention and Mr. Franklin, if any of these ladies misbehave I give you permission to spank them. Especially that one. [Points to Phyllis]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Have you ever seen a stripper before?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes. Jennifer Garner portrayed one on Alias. It was one of her many aliases." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, me neither." }, { "character": "Elizabeth", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Elizabeth", "line": "I'm Elizabeth, I'm the dancer that was requested." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, I specifically ordered a stripper." }, { "character": "Elizabeth", "line": "I'm the stripper." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, okay good. Well in the future please identify yourself as such." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Phone rings] Oh God." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[Reading the text message] Is she hot? Text back, \"Kind of.\"" } ], [ { "character": "Ben Franklin", "line": "It was a warm June evening in 1752, the night of my fateful kite flight." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Mr. Franklin?" }, { "character": "Ben Franklin", "line": "Yes?" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Do you have a girlfriend?" }, { "character": "Ben Franklin", "line": "I have a lovely wife, Deborah." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "But don't you also have girlfriends in Paris? Like a lot of them?" }, { "character": "Ben Franklin", "line": "Uh, well that is a grey area of my life. Okay? So, it was a warm June evening." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Look at that. Nothing like grilling in the great outdoors." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Is this the same grill you grilled your foot on?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. Yes." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Oh gross." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "But I got all the foot off of it." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay Ben Franklin!" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Ben Franklin tied a cherry stem with his mouth!" }, { "character": "Ben Franklin", "line": "Well, that is because I am a renaissance man." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ben Franklin, do you wear boxers, briefs, or pantaloons?" }, { "character": "Ben Franklin", "line": "Well, you're very saucy! [Winks at Pam.]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Guys, beef! It's what's for dinner! Who wants some man meat?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I do! I want some man meat!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Michael, Dwight would like your man meat." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well then my man meat, he shall have. There you go. Deliciousity." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[Stanley's fork breaks.] Of course." } ], [ { "character": "Karen", "line": "So I guess you have the Ben Franklin wig and the costume and you figure, how can I put this to practical use?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well I like to think that his dad was a Ben Franklin impersonator and he really pressured him into it." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Hey um, I wanted to talk to you. I know this is weird or whatever, but Jim told me about you guys." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What do you mean?" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Well that you kissed. And we talked it through and it's totally fine, it's not a big deal. It's just a kiss. Wait- you're not still interested in him?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh yeah." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh no, I was confused by your phrasing. You should definitely go out with Jim. I mean, you're going out with Jim. I'm not going out with Jim. You're dating him, which is awesome, because you guys are great together." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm not into Jim. Yeah." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "So um, well good." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah. Sorry." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "What are you sorry about?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Um, what?" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "What are you sorry about?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Nothing. I was just thinking of something else." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Okay. The game is no limit deuce to seven lowball. Lines twenty five fifty, nickels are worth ten, dimes twenty-five, and quarters fifty. Nothing wild." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I call shuffle. Here we go. [Spreads cards out all over the table]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ah, gentlemen, the entertainment is here. Everybody I'd like to introduce you to Elizabeth." }, { "character": "Elizabeth", "line": "Hi guys!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nice outfit." }, { "character": "Elizabeth", "line": "I hear there's an important meeting here." } ], [ { "character": "Roy", "line": "I'm not really into strippers. You know what I find sexy? Pam's art. She's an artist and I appreciate that. It's very moving and sexy. The art." } ], [ { "character": "Elizabeth", "line": "Hit it. [Feel Like Makin' Love plays in background] So where's the groom?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "He's right there. There he is." }, { "character": "Bob Vance", "line": "Absolutely not. That's all you. That's all you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. Alright, I'll do it. Yeah. Lets do it. Lets do this thing. Yeah. What do I?" }, { "character": "Elizabeth", "line": "Just sit on down." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright." }, { "character": "Elizabeth", "line": "Alright." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Elizabeth", "line": "Here we go." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Here we go. Alright!" }, { "character": "Elizabeth", "line": "Yeah!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Not bad! Not bad! You smell nice. Like Tide." }, { "character": "Elizabeth", "line": "Mmm, what's that?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You smell like Tide detergent. Do you use Tide detergent? Ha ha ha! I have a girlfriend so..." }, { "character": "Elizabeth", "line": "I bet she'd be jealous. [Rips off shirt]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah she probably, yeah she would be. You know what, okay, excuse me. Please stop it, stop it. Turn off the music. This is wrong, this is wrong! This is wrong! I have a girlfriend. And you are engaged and I'm sure you have a boyfriend in prison or something so lets just clear out okay. Shame on you. Go back to work!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Elizabeth, I want you to sit here. When the phone rings, answer it." }, { "character": "Elizabeth", "line": "You want me to answer phones with my clothes on." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "We hired you for three hours work and we're going to get it." }, { "character": "Elizabeth", "line": "Oh I love your poster." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[Mouths 'hi' at the stripper]" } ], [ { "character": "Ben Franklin", "line": "You know I invented electricity." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I know." }, { "character": "Ben Franklin", "line": "Well I'm sensing a little electricity right here." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Didn't Ben Franklin have syphilis?" }, { "character": "Ben Franklin", "line": "Yes, but I don't. My name is Gordon." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ohhh." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "On one hand I want to be honest with Jan and tell her the truth but on the other hand I'm afraid she's going to dump me." }, { "character": "Ben Franklin", "line": "You know Michael, I fathered an illegitimate son." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really." }, { "character": "Ben Franklin", "line": "But I kept all this from my wife Deborah. These things only serve to upset the women. They are the gentler sex." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, Ben Franklin, you're really kind of a sleezebag." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Stripper? Could I ask you a question about women? Um, should I tell my girlfriend that you danced up on me?" }, { "character": "Elizabeth", "line": "Secrets, secrets are no fun. Secrets, secrets hurt someone." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wow. Thank you." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Care for a piece of chocolate?" }, { "character": "Ben Franklin", "line": "Chocolate! Where did you acquire it? That is a delicacy in the Amazon but it has not yet been imported to the United States." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Who is the king of Austria?" }, { "character": "Ben Franklin", "line": "Joseph the 2nd." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Who is the king of Prussia?" }, { "character": "Ben Franklin", "line": "Fredrick Wilhelm the 3rd." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Who is the king of England?" }, { "character": "Ben Franklin", "line": "Why the tyrant King George, of course!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I don't care what Jim says, that is not the real Ben Franklin. I am 99% sure." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "[On speaker phone] Michael, I left a meeting. What is so urgent? Are you, are you okay?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Not really, look I don't know how to say this so I just will." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I went to a bachelor party and things got a little out of hand." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Uh when, when did, when last night?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, today at work." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "You went to a bachelor party at work?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes. I kind of arranged it." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Well I don't even think the stripper was that hot. Do you guys think she was hot?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Kelly don't do this." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Do what? I just asked you a question." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "You know what you're doing." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Anyway, do you know who was totally flirting with Ben Franklin? Pam." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Really? Looks like I hired the right guy. I'm glad. Any real potential there Beesley?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, right. God, I need a boyfriend. You know Ryan I'm totally ready to be set up with one of your business school friends. Whenever." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Ok." } ], [ { "character": "Elizabeth", "line": "Oh my God, I would get so fat if I worked here." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah? I lose my appetite all the time." }, { "character": "Elizabeth", "line": "You could strip you know." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thanks." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "So you don't want to end our relationship?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I'm closer to firing you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That is so sweet. You are the best GD girlfriend in the world. Do you know that?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I'll talk to you later." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You are. You are." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "So you know who turned out to be kind of a creep? Ben Franklin. And Elizabeth the stripper gave me great advice. Which rhymed. Really makes you wonder how Ben Franklin can become president, but someone like Elizabeth can't." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Are you near sighted or far sighted?" }, { "character": "Ben Franklin", "line": "Both. That's why I invented the bifocal." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "GAH!!!" } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Damn, lost another file. Going to have to reboot. Again. [Windows reboot sound] Hey, Dwight, do you want an Altoid?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What do you think?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "In school, we learned about this scientist who trained dogs to salivate at the sound of a bell by feeding them whenever a bell rang. For the last couple of weeks I've been conducting a similar experiment." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Windows reboot sound] Dwight, want an Altoid?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Windows reboot sound] Altoid?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Sure" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Windows reboot sound] Mint Dwight?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Inbwit? Yes." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[Windows reboot sound] [Dwight holds out his hand, sighs]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I don't know. My mouth tastes so bad all of a sudden. [nasty, dry mouth-smaking noise]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Always the bridesmaids, right ladies?" }, { "character": "Photographer", "line": "Okay, for this next one everyone hop out. Just Phyllis and Dad. Actually, let's bring Mom back in. And the sisters. And you, and you, and you. Great." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Phyllis is getting married. And I am in the wedding party. She has asked me to push her father's wheelchair down the aisle. So, basically, I am co-giving away the bride. Since I pay her salary it is like I'm paying for the wedding. Which I'm happy to do. It's a big day for Phyllis. But it's an even bigger day for me. Employer of the bride." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yes, I put Michael in my wedding. It was the only way I could think to get six weeks off for my honeymoon. No one else has ever gotten six weeks before." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Phyllis... ended up using the exact same invitations as Roy and me. So it was kind of like being invited to my own wedding. And I was like 'Wait, thought I called that off'." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "So what's in the box?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "A toaster, you?" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "A toaster." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Unbelievable." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hello, Angela." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Hi, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You look as beautiful as the Queen of England." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Thank you. Don't linger. Break left. Left!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The Shrutes have their own traditions. We usually marry standing in our own graves. Makes the funerals very romantic, but the weddings are a bleak affair." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Those flowers are nice." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Yeah. P and R?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Phyllis and Robert." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Ah, of course." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Also, Pam and Roy." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "There she is. I swear Phyllis you are as beautiful as the first day you started work at Dunder Mifflin." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Thanks, Michael. That's sweet. Same as when you said it outside." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "How you doin'? You excited." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yes, very." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Me, too. If you need to vomit, that is ok. I did. Do you want to talk about tonight?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're probably worried about pleasing Bob. A lot of pressure. Phyllis, did you break wind? It's okay, if you did. It's a very natural reaction. It's your wedding. And you're nervous..." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "That wasn't me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay... umm... I'm sure that Bob... Wow. That is... that is pungent. I lost my train of thought. Aaah... Are you set on that hairstyle?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I thought it was..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Here, let me..." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Michael... No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just cover up that bald patch." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I don't need your... thank you. No, Michael please... I just need some time alone." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "You might be surprised to learn that I've only been to one other wedding. It's actually a very cute story. My Mom was marrying Jeff. And they asked me to be ring bearer. I was understandably emotional and somehow my pants became wet." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[in video of Michael as a kid] I hate you!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Long story short: Jeff's dog ended up as ring bearer. And the irony is that after the ceremony that dog peed on everything and nobody said 'boo'." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Why are all these people here? There are too many people on this Earth. We need a new plague. Who are all these people?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know what? I bet a lot of them are wedding crashers." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No way." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Did you ever see that movie?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Of course I saw it." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I saw Wedding Crashers accidentally. I bought a ticket for Grizzly Man and went into the wrong theatre. After an hour, I figured I was in the wrong theatre, but I kept waiting. That's the thing about bear attacks, they come when you least expect it." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know I just wish, I wish, I had the investigative powers to smoke some of these guys out." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Once again, Jim, I will take care of this. I will locate the wedding crashers and report them to Phyllis. That way I won't have to get her a gift." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[to Toby's date] Hi. I'm Kevin. [to Toby] Where did you find her?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "At the gym." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Riiight. The gym. [snickers]" } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Could you scoot over? You're on my dress." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I thought you're not supposed to wear white to a wedding." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I know but there was an emergency." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I look really good in white." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "This strappy young lad sitting here is Phyllis' father, Albert, and he is quite the ladies' man, aren't you Albert, hah? Ah, ringbearer. I could have done better. I will do better. I am going to be better. I can't believe I'm actually doing this! Ooh! Are you ready for this, Albert? I am. Let's do it." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "That's my dress." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[whispers to father] That's ok. [Albert gets out of his wheelchair and starts walking]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's a miracle." }, { "character": "Crowd", "line": "[generalized clapping]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "This is bull****!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Me walking Phyllis down the aisle was supposed to be the highlight of the wedding. And now... the wedding has no highlight." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I can't believe I pushed that... that guy's lazy ass around all day... until he was ready to stand up and steal the show. That's... well... I got news for you, Albert. If that's your real name. The show's not over." } ], [ { "character": "Priest", "line": "And do you, Phyllis, take Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration, to be your lawfully wedded husband?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I do." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present to you for the first time as a couple, Mr. and Mrs. Bob Vance!" }, { "character": "Priest", "line": "And do you, Bob..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, shiii..." }, { "character": "Priest", "line": "... take Phyllis to be your lawfully wedded wife" }, { "character": "Bob Vance", "line": "I do." }, { "character": "Priest", "line": "You may now kiss the bride." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ladies and Gentleman, for the first time as a couple, Mr. and Mrs. Bob Vance. [generalized clapping and cheering] Yeah! That's what I'm talking about!" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Congratulations, Phyllis. You look lovely. Your dress is very white. So white, my eyes are burning." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Thanks Angela." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Congratulations, Bob. You're a good man. But just know... if you ever lay a finger on Phyllis, I will kill you." }, { "character": "Bob Vance", "line": "If you ever lay I finger on Phyllis, I'll kill you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Agreed. No fingers will be laid on Phyllis. [to Albert] Oh, decided to sit down again, huh? Great. Bet you can hear me, too." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Best of luck, Phyllis. Also I'm going to need to see a copy of the guest manifest as well as photographs of the caterers." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I don't have that, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Dammit, Phyllis!" } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Are you all right? This must be so awful for you." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What do you mean?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Well... this was supposed to be your wedding." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh... um... no. That's... um... That's actually fine" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "There's no way it's fine. I'm sorry. If I was you, I would just like freak out and get really drunk and then tell someone I was pregnant." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay, that's a lot of good ideas. Thanks" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "'Scuse me, sir. How do you know the happy couple?" }, { "character": "Uncle Al", "line": "Who?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The bride and groom? What are their names?" }, { "character": "Uncle Al", "line": "Oh, I... I don't... I'm not sure." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh I get it, I get it, come on, freeloader. Let's move it. Come on. Come on." }, { "character": "Uncle Al", "line": "Okay, Okay. Where are we going?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Got to find yourself another wedding to crash, my friend." }, { "character": "Uncle Al", "line": "Oh!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Phyllis! Are you happy with everything? What can I do to make it more perfecter?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "It's beautiful. Why don't you find your seat. Enjoy the buffet." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm already on it. The chicken? Totally undercooked. I sent it back." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "It's fish." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I will take care of that." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I do. I know a fair amount about fine food... and drink. This is a white." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "No this is not our first wedding. This is the THIRD wedding that Scrantonicity has played. We also played our bassist's wedding and our guitarist's wedding." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Attention, everyone. Attention, please. I am supposed to ask if anyone has seen Uncle Al. He is old and has brown eyes and dementia. His family is very concerned. It is a very serious situation. [sings] Roxanne. You don't have to put on your red light." } ], [ { "character": "Roy", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "I know I normally don't notice these kind of things but uh... This wedding's really nice! I mean, the flowers and stuff? Phyllis has got some great taste." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You're kidding me, right?" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "I know you're probably not going to remember this, right? But um... Those color roses? I got you those color roses for our prom." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Roy, I picked those flowers. Phyllis just stole all of my ideas for our wedding." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "I uh guess I wasn't really too involved in the planning." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Sorry about that." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's okay." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "You think this sucks for you? I was the one who actually wanted to get married." } ], [ { "character": "Randy", "line": "Phyllis, you're a wonderful woman. And you're a hell of a bowler!" }, { "character": "Crowd", "line": "[cheering and clapping]" }, { "character": "Unknown", "line": "She is." }, { "character": "Randy", "line": "Cheers." }, { "character": "Crowd", "line": "Cheers." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you, Randy. That was great. Thank you. Thank you very much. Hi, I'm Michael Scott and for the next forty minutes, I'm going to be your tour guide through the lives of Phyllis Lapin and Bob Vance. One of the great, seemingly impossible, love stories of our time. My name is Michael Scott. Webster's Dictionary defines \"wedding\" as the fusing of two metals with a hot torch. Well, you know something. I think you guys are two metals. Gold medals. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Michael Scott, Phyllis' boss. To quote from The Princess Bride \"Mawige..." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "The most important part of a speech is the opening line. When time is not a factor, I like to try out three or four different ones." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Phyllis and Bob: their celebrity couple name would be Phlob. You look at her... and she's kind of matronly today, but back in High School, I swear, her nickname was 'Easy Rider'. Now as for Bob... Bob Vance..." }, { "character": "Bob Vance", "line": "Oh okay. That's enough." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "is a guy that..." }, { "character": "Bob Vance", "line": "Thanks, Michael. Give me..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "he works... Okay hold, hold on, hold on. Look. Look. I didn't say anything when Phyllis' dad upstaged me at the ceremony. And I think you owe me this. Kay." }, { "character": "Bob Vance", "line": "Give me the microphone." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. I'm not going to..." }, { "character": "Bob Vance", "line": "Give me... Give me the microphone, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok. All right." }, { "character": "Bob Vance", "line": "You're out of here!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh. Yeah. You're out of here! You're... Yeah. I hate you!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "When are we going to get to see some of those famous Beesly dance moves?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh... I'm pacing myself." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Come on. Get out there. Give the people what they want." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No. I'm such a dorky dancer." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I know. It's very cute." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hypothetically, if I thought Pam was interested, then... No, it's totally hypothetical." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Come... Come on!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I can't let you in, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight, just..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, it's Bob and Phyllis' orders." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Look, I just wanted to go in and quietly sit and have a piece of cake. I'm not even going to dance one song." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You are a real life wedding crasher and I must bounce you. I'm sorry, it gives me no pleasure." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK." } ], [ { "character": "Roy", "line": "Hey, they're playing our song." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, that's weird. I thought they only played the Police." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "I know. Uh... I gave them twenty bucks. You want to dance?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[sings] ee... I was meant for you... buppity du bom bu." } ], [ { "character": "Roy", "line": "[to Pam] Hey, want to get out of here?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Here's a 'not hypothetical'. I'm really happy I'm with Karen." } ], [ { "character": "Karen", "line": "[sings] Every little thing she does is magic. Every little thing she do just turns me on. Even though my life before was tragic. Now I know my love for her goes on. Every..." } ], [ { "character": "Women", "line": "One... Two... Three. Ahhhh! [Phyllis throws the flowers, Ryan knocks them out of Kelly's hands, Toby's date gets them]" } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Toby! Yeah!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I just want Phyllis to have a great day." }, { "character": "Uncle Al", "line": "Phyllis and you will be great together." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We are great together. We are a great team." }, { "character": "Uncle Al", "line": "The Celtics were a great team." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes. Yes. They were. Robert Parrish! I should talk to her. I don't want this to ruin her honeymoon." }, { "character": "Uncle Al", "line": "Nobody ever helped me. I had to do it myself. Even the doctor didn't know!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dude, keep it together. I listened to you for half an hour even though most of that stuff went right over my head." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Phyllis. Phyllis! Wait! Please. I'm sorry. I just... I just wanted to make this a day to remember." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "You found Uncle Al!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah. Yeah. He's kind of a weirdo." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Thank you, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're... You're welcome." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "They say that your wedding day goes by in such a flash that your lucky if you even get a piece of your own cake. I say that's crazy. I say let them eat cake. Margaret Thatcher said that about marriage. Smart broad." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Be careful. Oh no!! [Phyllis and Bob smear cake on each other's face] Oh wow! Phyllis! Phyllis! You look like a clown! Here. Get me! Get me! [Michael smears cake on his own face]" } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh hey, Kevin, nice of you to join us, where were you?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "My tire blew out on the way here, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Huh?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I almost died. I... I went into this skid---" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pop quiz." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "...What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why is today a special day?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I almost died." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Today's a special day, because I am being honored as a... visiting... professor, special lecturer, emeritus... how did you, how did you..." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "You will be a guest speaker... in my Emerging Enterprises class." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "In business school, Kevin. Business school." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Wow." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "If you bring your boss to class, it automatically bumps you up a full letter grade. So... I'd be stupid not to do it, right?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "A boss is like a teacher. And I am like the cool teacher. Like Mr. Handell. Mr. Handell would hang out with us, and he would tell us awesome jokes. And he actually hooked up with one of the students. Um... and then like twelve other kids came forward. It was in all the papers. ... Really ruined eighth grade for us." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Here we go. College Roadshow. Gotta bring our... A game. What was the most inspiring thing I've ever said to you?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "\"Don't be an idiot.\" Changed my life." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, \"Would an idiot do that?\" And if they would, I do not do that thing." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Will they throw their hats, you think?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "A lot of times, at a... school, or naval academy, after a rousing speech, the crowd would throw its hats high into the air." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Y-You understand nobody's graduating." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, I know, I know. I'm just saying if they did throw their hats I've got a great line for that: \"May your hats fly as high as your dreams.\" ... That was a pretty good line." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "...It doesn't apply." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I understand! Wow. Relax, spazzy boy. Sometimes you're such a little spaz! [pokes Ryan] Whoa, hey!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Quit it!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We have fun." } ], [ { "character": "Roy", "line": "I can't for your art show tonight." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay, just so you know, it's just the students from my class in a little studio." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "I-I wouldn't miss it for the world." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thanks." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm really happy to be back with Roy. I think it shows maturity. Maturity and dignity. ... Is that braggy? I don't mean it to be braggy." } ], [ { "character": "Roy", "line": "Love ya." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You too." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Pam's with Roy. I'm with Karen. And, uh, Brangelina is with Frangelina. Movin' on." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I can't believe you're back together with Roy!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, yeah! We have such a solid foundation, you know." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh my God. You're so in love now." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah. Oh, you should come to my art show, by the way." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh, art show!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I mean, it's not a big deal, but I think a lot of people from the office will be there." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "...Oh... yeah. Definitely... I'll be there. For sure." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Campus. Brings back so many memories. ... That I would have made. Hey. Frisbee. Check that out. Aww! What do you say we get our Fris on before class? [runs over, throws frisbee] Whoo!" }, { "character": "College Student", "line": "....Dude." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "...Oh my God. Animal stool. [jumps on desk]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Dwight, what are you doing?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Solving a mystery, if that's quite alright with you. [opens ceiling tile] Come to Papa. Okay, ladies and gentlemen, what we have here is a bird that has been trapped in a vent. Fortunately I have found it befo--BAT! BAAAT! BAT!" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Oh my God!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "BAAAAT! BAT! NO! EVERYONE REMAIN CALM! There it goes!" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Goooood bye." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[on ground] ... Please don't let that stupid thing near me..." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, this is it. Ryan is doing my intro right now." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "...Dunder-Mifflin can't compete with the modern chains, and management is unwilling, or unable, to adapt. Their customers are dying off..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I can't hear what he's saying, but he looks like he's really into it." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "We have... a bat... in the office." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "The simple solution would be to open a window... if we had... windows that could open." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Poop is raining from the ceilings. Poop!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay. Thanks. [hangs up phone] Animal control will be here at six." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "At Six?! No, that is unacceptable. Okay, Jim, you are the number two in this office. You need to step up and show some leadership." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm sorry what did you say? So wierd..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What? What's so wierd?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "The bat, I mean, I know I felt it bite me, but look. There's no mark. I feel so... tingly... so strangely powerful... [shrugs] Oh well." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "And now, without further ado, I present the regional manager of Dunder Mifflin, Scranton, Michael Scott." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hello everyone, I am Michael Scott. And I would like to start today by inspiring you. May I borrow someone's textbook, please? Thank you. What have we here? Ooh. Economics. Very, very interesting. [rips pages out of book] You cannot learn from books. Replace these pages with life lessons, and then, you will have... a book... that is worth its weight in gold. [gives book back] I know these are expensive, um, but the lesson is priceless. Good. Alright. I think you're inspired. Shall we proceed? There are four kinds of business: Tourism. Food service. Railroads, and sales. And hospitals slash manufacturing. And air travel." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[sighs] This is your job, Halpert." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ow!" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Oh, what happened?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That bread on your desk? I just picked it up. It's white hot." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "But Jim, this garlic bread is cold." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What? ... No. It burned me. I... bizarre." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No... no. One crisis at a time." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "If a vampire bat was in the U.S., it would make sense for it to come to a \"sylvania.\" Like PENN-sylvania. Now that doesn't mean that Jim is going to become a vampire. Only that he carries the vampiric germ." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "So, you wanna start a business. How do you start? What do you need? Well, first of all, you need a building. And secondly, you need supply. You need something to sell. Now this could be anything. It could be... a... thingamajig. Or a... a whosi-whatsi. Or... [pulls out a candy bar] a Whatchamacallit [throws bar]. Now, you need to sell those in order to have a PayDay [takes out a PayDay, throws it]. And, if you sell enough of them, you will make a 100 Grand [throws 100 Grand bar]. [pulls out a Snickers] Satisfied?" } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Oh, this looks great. I'd, I'd love to be there, but my daughter's play is tonight. ... Damnit! You know, one of the other parents will probably videotape it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh! No, you should go." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Well, it's important to support local art, you know. And what they do is not art." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, I'm seeing some confused... faces out there. Let me slow down a little bit. Break this down. Okay. The more stickers you sell, the more profit, fancy word for money, you have to buy PlayStations and Beanie Babies." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "...And products!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "What we normally do here is more of a question and answer thing." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well... okay, I was just kind of getting it going. Um, alright. Well, okay, we can do questions. Okay. Very good. First hand up." }, { "character": "Business Student #1", "line": "Sir, as a company that primary distributes paper, how have you adapted your business model to function in an increasingly paperless world?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We can't overestimate the value of computers. Yes, they are great for playing games and forwarding funny emails. But real business is done on paper, okay? Write that down. [everyone types on their laptops]" } ], [ { "character": "Karen", "line": "Hey Jim, here's the aspirin you wanted." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, thank God. I have such a headache from that glare." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "What glare?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "The glare off Angela's crucifix? It's blinding." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I don't have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once. But by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor's dog." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Extraordinary events call for extraordinary actions. We form an allegiance--" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Sure." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "--to use sudden violence." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Do you have the tools to turn a wooden mop handle into a stake?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "What size?" } ], [ { "character": "Business Student #2", "line": "What do you say to a customer who wants to leave you for the convenience and savings of a nationwide chain?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "...I say you will miss our service, and I absolutely guarantee you'll come back." }, { "character": "Business Student #2", "line": "Has anyone ever come back?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "...We don't want them back, 'cause they're... stupid." }, { "character": "Business Student #3", "line": "How far has your Herfindahl index declined since the merger?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nice try, how's your Pollack-says-what index?" }, { "character": "Business Student #3", "line": "...What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thanks, Kowalsky. Um, can we get on track here?" }, { "character": "Business Student #1", "line": "By your own employee's calculation you'll be obsolete in the next five to ten years." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "...Wait, Ryan said that?" } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "What are you doing? You'd better not hurt that little bat." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Animals can't feel pain." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Don't hurt that bat, Creed! It's a living thing with feelings and a family!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Flush him towards the door. On my go... NOW!" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "AHH! KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IIIT!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[locks bat in break room] I... am a hero!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah sure, you know business, sitting up here in your ivory tower. And your ebony tower. You know what? Tell you one thing, Dunder-Mifflin is here to stay." }, { "character": "Business Student #2", "line": "But how can you compete against a company with the resources of a nationwide chain?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "David will always beat Goliath." }, { "character": "Business Student #1", "line": "But there's five Goliaths, there's... Staples, Officemax..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, yeah. You know what else is facing five Goliaths? America. Al-Qaeda, global warming, sex predators... mercury poisoning. So do we just give up? Is that what we're learning in business school?" }, { "character": "Business Student #1", "line": "But in the big picture..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dunder-Mifflin is the big picture! Can't you understand that? No, you can't. You're too young. Ryan... has never made a sale. And he started a fire trying to make a cheesy pita. And everybody thinks he's a tease. Well you know what? He doesn't know anything, and neither do you. [walks out] SO SUCK ON THAT!" } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "...It wasn't personal." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Business is always personal. It's the most personal thing in the world. When we get back to the office, pack your things." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Pack my--?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You heard me, pack your things." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I really want to come out!" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Good night, Mary Beth!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "So... you're cool to just wait here for animal control?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Animal control? I've been controlling animals since I was six." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Cool. Okay. I'm gonna go home and lie down, draw the shades... there's just so much sun in here... bye Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Goodbye Jim. And good luck." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jim is on a path now. An eternal journey, and I wish him well. But I have a destiny in this realm. Specifically, in the kitchen." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "...And it's all from the same series." }, { "character": "Woman", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Called 'Impressions.'" }, { "character": "Woman", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Not that I call myself an impressionist, per se." }, { "character": "Woman", "line": "Maybe one day." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I hope so." }, { "character": "Woman", "line": "Mmm." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I still need... you know, my breakthrough, or whatever. [Woman leaves, Roy enters] Hey, babe, how are you?" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Good. Alright I brought my brother, huh?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, Kenny." }, { "character": "Kenny", "line": "Hey Pam." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "How 'bout this, huh? I show up with my brother, and, no one from work is here? That's... pretty cool, huh?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Magic time. Gyeeeaahhh! [puts bag over Meredith's head]" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Get off! Get off me! Get off me!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hold still, woman!" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Get off me! Get it off! Ahhhh!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "...[captures bat in bag] ... You're welcome." } ], [ { "character": "Roy", "line": "It's cool if I go, right? I mean, I looked at all of them." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, I'll just, I'll drive myself home." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "To my place?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Maybe, I'm a little tired." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Your art.. was the prettiest art of... all art." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thank you." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Look, I'm sorry, okay? I was just trying to do my presentation, and... of course, I was wrong to suggest that Dunder-Mifflin might ever go out of business. But you don't have to fire me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Fire you? No, no no. You are moving... to the annex." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "To the annex? Where... Kelly is?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "A good manager doesn't fire people. He hires people and inspires people. ... People, Ryan. And people will never go out of business." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You're the one who said we needed more culture." }, { "character": "Gil", "line": "This is culture to you?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "It's her first try." }, { "character": "Gil", "line": "Yeah, on Van Gogh's first try, he drew the hands of the peasants." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Meaning what?" }, { "character": "Gil", "line": "Meaning, real art takes courage, okay? And honesty." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Well, those aren't Pam's strong points." }, { "character": "Gil", "line": "Yeah, exactly. That's why this is... motel art." } ], [ { "character": "Artist", "line": "Thanks for coming." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam-casso! Sorry I'm late, I had to race across town." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wow! You did these... freehand?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yep." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "My God, these could be tracings! Ohh! Look at this one. Wow! You nailed it. [sighs] ... How much?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What do you mean?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't see a... price." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Um... you wanna buy it?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, yeah. Yeah, we have to have it for the office. I mean, there's my... window, and there's my car! That your car?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Uh-huh." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That is our building... and we sell paper. ... I am really proud of you." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[hugs Michael] ... Thank you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Do you have something in your pocket?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "...Chunky. Do you want half?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No thank you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "It is... a message. It is an inspiration, it is... a source of beauty. And without paper, it could not have happened. Unless, you had a camera." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God..." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "It's only temporary, okay? Don't get excited." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't..." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well ultimately I went into business to inspire people. They say those who can't do, teach. I can do both. I teach doing." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "OK, here we go... Digest of business terms, CliffsNotes on business economics, and a sales encyclopedia." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wow! That's a lot of books, do you have, umm, one book that sums up all of these." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Those are the books that sum up the other books." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So no?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What are you reading?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, umm, ever since I started here, I've kept a diary of all my sales." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, that could be interesting." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, it's just mileage mostly, but there's one chapter that I call wisdoms. I'm going to read you a series of statements, and I want you to tell me, on a scale of one to ten, how smart they are." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[clears throat] I am ready." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Don't do what I say, say what I do." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Five." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just getting warmed up. Mistakes are just successes that you mess up." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hmm... Five." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "This... You know this is a scale of one to ten?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK. Do you want me to repeat that?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, I got it." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "[motions to phyllis's desk]" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "She's on her honeymoon. She won't be back for six weeks." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "I'll wait. [sighs]" } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Here's a joke for you. Why did Pam hook up with Roy at Phyllis's wedding?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Don't Meredith." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "You ready?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You know I don't like to participate in the..." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Why did Pam hook up with Roy at Phyllis's wedding?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Really, it's just that I don't like to participate..." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Grow up." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "It's just... I'm sorry... It's gossip, and I don't think it's healthy." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Get over yourself." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Well, I'm not going to get over myself... it's wrong." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Because Roy use to... [long censor beep]... with the rice... [long censor beep]... [laughs]" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[laughs] That's disgusting." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "[still laughing] I know." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Everybody please stand, and get up on your desks. [goes to stand on desk] Just stand right up." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Michael it's not... It's not..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's, yep a little flimsy. Umm... OK... Ahh... Alright, no more desks. Oh OK." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I have a lot of big ideas, and the trick is to get it out of my brain and into theirs, in a way that is easy to swallow. Simple... [holds up snickers] Kids love candy bars." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Lets try a little... Little social experiment here. Raise your hands if you like to buy things. OK, I see some people who like to buy things. You're it, you are the reason this world rolls along, give yourselves a round of applause. Say, say you want to start a business, and business is all about buying and selling, is it not? So say you want to sell lemonade, or stickers. Something you have to keep in mind, you must, and you might want to jot this down, you must sell the stickers for more than you bought the stickers for." } ], [ { "character": "Student 1", "line": "How have you adopted your business model to function in an increasingly paperless world?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, Oh, I take umbrage to that premise...ses. Umm, let me ask you this: How many people exist in the world? Over forty billion. What are they going to be writing on... rocks? Any one else? [points] Yep." }, { "character": "Student 2", "line": "Just following up on that first question..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No no no no no. Never follow, always lead." }, { "character": "Student 2", "line": "OK." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK." }, { "character": "Student 2", "line": "New question." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Very good." }, { "character": "Student 2", "line": "In the digital age..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK." }, { "character": "Student 2", "line": "... email..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Bop bop de Bope bop bop bop bop bop. You only have me for a limited time... Yes." }, { "character": "Student 3", "line": "Do you believe your high fixed cost are warranted given your diminishing market share." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "How can I put this? That question makes you sound gay." } ], [ { "character": "Karen", "line": "[Karen sees Pam's art show flyer on the cabinet door, she looks around to make sure no one is looking, then proceeds to rip in down, Oscar comes out of the bathroom, Karen acts like she was just looking at it and then walks out of the kitchen]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "BAT!" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "[comes out of the bathroom... screams... runs back into the bathroom]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What is a leader? I asked Jim that, and he said he had never heard the word before. In America, in 2007. He said he knew the word ladder... What an ignoramous." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "[Bat hanging from ceiling cleaning itself] I really want to come out." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You want rabies? Be my guest." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[looking with Kevin at the art show flyer] Should be fun." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Your name looks really nice." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "Goodnight Mary-Beth." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Hope she's OK." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Just goes to show the power of prayer." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "You prayed for this?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "In a general sense." } ], [ { "character": "Kenny", "line": "So cool you're back with Roy. Maybe we can rent that cabin on the lake again this summer." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, that'd be nice." }, { "character": "Kenny", "line": "There'll be two of you and only one of me this time, since Denise left me. So I think it's fair I only pay a third." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah that seems fair." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Can you confirm that the straps are tight?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes. But this [pulls at straight jacket] seems to be..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And now, the chains." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "A lot of people think that magic camp is just for kids. And that's why so many other people in my class were kids. Self fulfilling prophecy. It's um, it's really for anybody with a dream and a belief in magic and a little extra time after school." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "MAGIC MAGIC Magic Magic magic magic... And now, Michael the Magic, will attempt to escape from extreme bondage. [Kevin giggles] Can he do it? I don't see how he can." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I know how. Dislocate his shoulder and slip his arm out from underneath." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. No. Everyone, now count down with me. THREE!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Sorry, quick thing. Is it true that if you can't get out, you don't want anyone to help you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I will get out. Oh yes, I will." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "So we shouldn't help you, no matter how much you might beg and plead?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. Alright, this is getting hot. So let's just do this. Ok, ready? Three, two, one, go. [Michael spits out key, Jim covers it with his foot.]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "AHHHH!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Is everything ok, Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I cannot tell you how I plan to escape. Other than by using magic. That is the magician's code. Separately, on an unrelated note, if you happen to find a small brass key..." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[trumpet sounds]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ready? Come on guys. Early worm gets the worm." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Another worm? Like, are they friends?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's early bird gets the worm." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam, would you smell my breath?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, no." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Let me smell. [Michael breathes at Dwight] Good, not great." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "\"Michael, you go to parties all the time, why is tonight so special?\" Well, tonight is so special because my boss's boss's boss, the CFO, not his initials, common mistake, is having a little shindig for all the managers in the company. And Jan and I are going as a couple. For the first time. So it's kind of our coming out party. Really. And that is why tonight is so special." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jimbo, last chance to carpool." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh no thanks, I think Karen and I will take my car." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sure? Might be a good idea." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Go in together, could save some gas, have some fun, long trip." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thanks." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Play some games?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh. Um. I think we're good." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I spy?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Why don't I wanna go? Didn't expect to need a reason, so let me think here. Um. I don't know any of these people. It's an obligation. I don't like talking paper in my free time, or in my work time. And, did I use the word pointless?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thanks for inviting me along." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, sure. Really didn't give it any thought. Wait, should you be going? [phone rings] Heh-woh you." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, Buttercup." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am on my way. I should be there in about 15..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Let's just blow this party off." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's what she said." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Am I on speaker phone?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh, yes you are." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Is anybody else in the..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hello, Jan." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Hi, Dwight. Ok, Michael, take me off speaker phone." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No problem. [doesn't turn off speakerphone]" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Ok. Let's just go to a motel..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "...and just like rip into each other like we did on that black sand beach in Jamaica." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok. Jan. Jan? This party is actually a really big step for us. So, I..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Still on speaker?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ummm... I don't know." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Are camera's there?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Maybe." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "See you soon." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Talk to you later, Jan." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright. Bye." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, Michael left early, so a bunch of us are going to go to Poor Richard's for happy hour. You should come." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "I can't. My brother, he just unloaded the jet ski's and kinda took a bath, so... we're going to go get hammered." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ok, well, we're going to a bar. Hey. You have to come to stuff with me. I'm serious! If you're going to be my boyfriend, you have to do boyfriend things." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Ok." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I have decided that I'm going to be more honest. I'm going to tell people what I want. Directly. So, look out world, cause ol' Pammy is getting what she wants. And, don't call me Pammy." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Beauty. Thank you sir!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Salad." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You dressed exactly like the servants." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Shut up. Ok, change shirts with me." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wait. I don't think yours will fit me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't care. Oh, wow. Here. Don't put my jacket. Don't give me that." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That would have been really embarrassing." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Crisis averted." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, that duck is so cute." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hey Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey guys." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oscar. Angela." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hi." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Actually, it's polite to arrive early. And smart. Only really good friends show up early. Ergo de facto. Go to a party really early. Become a really good friend." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, um, potato salad." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's from both of us." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, it's not." }, { "character": "Rachel", "line": "Wonderful, let's, ah, see where we can put this. Ok." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, you probably want to leave the cover on until the guests get here." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's been sitting in my car all day. Sun beating down on the mayonnaise. Just, you never know." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Kevin, you and Stacy set a date yet?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh my God, when is it?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "It's complicated. I would appreciate some space on this." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey. You made it." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "You said it was important, so... How's it going?" }, { "character": "Kenny", "line": "What's up, Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey Kenny, sorry about the jet skis." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "You guys, uh, want a round, on me?" }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Yeah? Get you a drink." }, { "character": "Kenny", "line": "Thanks man." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No thank you, Roy." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, you know that line on the top of the shrimp? That's feces." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "What are you looking for? You bring dip?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I'm sure that it's catered. I need you to sign these, Michael. It's a waver of some of your rights. You should read it carefully. It releases the company in the event that our relationship, in your opinion or in reality, interferes with work. You get a copy, I get a copy, and a third copy goes to HR." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Awesome. I'm going to frame mine. I could frame yours too." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "You realize this is a legal document that says you can't sue the company." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Over our love." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I've never told you that I love you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You don't have to, Jan. This contract says it all." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "I am taking a calculated risk. What's the upside? I overcome my nausea, fall deeply in love, babies, normalcy, no more self loathing. Downside? I, uh, date Michael Scott publicly and collapse in on myself like a dying star." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "What's this over the \"i\"?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's a heart." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "Why is this so hard? That's what she said. Oh my God. What am I saying?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I love this woman!" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Oh, no. Michael, please. Michael, please." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Do you ever watch Battlestar Galactica?" }, { "character": "Dan Gore", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No? Then you are an idiot." } ], [ { "character": "Rachel", "line": "Hello Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Rachel. Boy, you clean up good. Place looks great with all the lights on. And everything. Actually looks bigger with people in it. It's weird. So..." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Jan, glad you could make it." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Of course, of course, David. Do you remember Michael Scott?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Of course I do." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "From the Scranton Branch." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jan and I are lovers. It feels so good to finally say that out loud." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "David, can I, um, speak to you privately for just a moment, please." }, { "character": "Rachel", "line": "Excuse me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[looks at beers] Oh. [Starts to walk away, turns around] No. Actually, one of these is supposed to be a lite." }, { "character": "Bartender", "line": "Oh, sorry." } ], [ { "character": "Man", "line": "So did the merger go smoothly, or?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It did. Like butter. Mike Myers, SNL. You should ask Karen, she was one of them." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "I'm the only one left. Everyone else was either fired or quit. And there is one in Anger Management." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, but you're great now, right? We're all great. Aren't we great?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "We're good. [Michael tries to kiss Jan] Michael, stop. Please stop that, ok?" }, { "character": "Rachel", "line": "Can I get anyone anything, or?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I could go for an appeteaser." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Martini please." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Bagel bites or something." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Rachel, your house is beautiful." }, { "character": "Rachel", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What's the square footage?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "About 5,000." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Does that include the garage?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight, wow. That's not appropriate." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm just..." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "I don't know" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's a common question." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "David, how much did this house cost?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "These old colonials are great, when they're sound. I'd love to take a look around." }, { "character": "Rachel", "line": "I'll show you around." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Cool, let's start with the banisters." } ], [ { "character": "Karen", "line": "Hey, do you see that guy behind you in the blue blazer against the wall?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yep." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "That's Drake. And just so you know, I don't want to be weird or anything, but we use to date." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, ok. Cool. Thanks for telling me." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "And it didn't end well." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Gotcha. Alright." } ], [ { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "This was a gift from Lee Iacocca. Twenty year old, single malt scotch." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Here is to Mr. Iacocca and his failed experiment, the De Lorean. [takes sip, coughs violently]" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "You ok?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah. Do you have any ice?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Sure." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "How about some Splenda?" } ], [ { "character": "Roy", "line": "One, two, three, up Jenkins! Down Jenkins. Oh, I think I heard the quarter over here." }, { "character": "Kenny", "line": "Where?" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "On this side." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "No, it is definitely under one of these hands. [points to Meredith and Kelly's hands]" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I think I heard it on Roy's side." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "No, it is here." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[tapping Meredith and Kelly's hands] Not here. Not here. Not here. Not here." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Good thing you didn't listen to me." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah, close one." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "[points at one of Stanley's hands and one of Pam's] Not here. Not here. It's either here or here. [Stares at Pam] Not here. [Points at Stanley's hand]." }, { "character": "Kenny", "line": "YES!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Nice job." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "I can read you like a book." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh yeah?" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "You can't keep anything from me." } ], [ { "character": "Student 1", "line": "Hey Creed." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Hey! What are you guys doing here?" }, { "character": "Student 2", "line": "You're the man buddy." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "I run a small fake ID company from my car with a laminating machine I swiped from the sheriff's station." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Huh. [Bangs on wall] Yeah, these studs are way too far apart. What's in here? [Opens door]." }, { "character": "Rachel", "line": "Uh, that's a guest room." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Just the one window?" }, { "character": "Rachel", "line": "[phone rings] Oh. I must get that. You'll have to excuse me." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Are those real pearls?" }, { "character": "Rachel", "line": "Uh, yes." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[tests smoke detector] Good." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, it was nice meeting you guys. Take care." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Well, if you're wondering why his wife was staring daggers at me, it's because I kinda saw him for a little bit while they were separated." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh. Hadn't noticed." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Really? I thought it was so obvious. I'm glad it didn't make you uncomfortable." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, it was before I knew you so, its fine." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "This one really smells like vanilla. Check that out." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "It's nice." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You and the misses should join us at Sandals Jamaica next Christmas." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I, Michael, I think David probably wants to spend Christmas here with his family." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh yeah, they don't allow kids at Sandals. They are persona non gratis... there. But it's fun. It's an awesome place. You would not believe how low this girl can limbo." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Crazy." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I'm sorry. You're just going to have to excuse us for just a couple minutes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok. Excuse me. What's going on? What is it?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Sorry. Michael, come here. Just, just, just, just. [kisses Michael]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Don't you know what I'm doing?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, but you could tell me. What... What is that? Why are you? Why are we going in the bathroom? I thought this is where you liked your privacy." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Shut up." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "What has gotten into you?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Come on." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, no." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Come on, let's go back to the party." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Just let me loosen my dress." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Don't take that dress. Stop it, Jan." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, no, means please don't. Please." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Slam me up against the wall, right here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm not going to slam you up against the wall." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Oh, please." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're acting inappropriate. Jan." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Oh, I'm acting inappropriate? Get out." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Here. [hands Pam a duck stuffed animal]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, where have you been all night? I was looking forward to hanging out with you." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I was..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, don't you have a daughter?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "[takes duck back] Yes." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh good, you're up. Hey, who makes this chair?" }, { "character": "Child", "line": "I don't know, it was here when I was born." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I want one. It's got good solid construction. Comfortable. What is this? Oak?" }, { "character": "Child", "line": "I don't know." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What do you know?" } ], [ { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "God, I hate these parties. Do you want to sneak out back and shoot some hoops? Meet me outside in two minutes." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "You stay here and have fun, because I'm going to go out back and shoot hoops with David Wallace." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Ok. Oh, um, don't mention that you and I are dating cause I think he might still have feelings for me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wallace? What the hell, have you dated like every guy here? [Karen smiles and gives herself away] Wow. Ok. You got me." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "I so got you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "So, none of them?" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Of course not. I mean, you're kind of like, my first." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Oh my God, it's so easy. Fun." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Hey Jan." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Not too good." } ], [ { "character": "Rachel", "line": "Did you get a chance to try Michael's homemade potato salad?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Rachel thinks that I brought homemade potato salad and I just picked it up at the supermarket. It's funny. I wish I could make potato salad that good. It's just potatoes and mayonnaise. There is something wrong with Jan." } ], [ { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "What's ah, what's with Jan and Michael?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I don't know. Where to begin? My ball." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The chimney is in decent shape. Not great. I found some termite damage in a crawl space and some structural flaws in the foundation so all in all, it was a pretty fun cocktail party." } ], [ { "character": "Roy", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I want us to make it. I want a fresh start." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "That's awesome. That's what I want." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh ok, but in order for us to make it, there can't be any secrets between us." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "I didn't do anything. Ask anyone, I totally could have and I didn't at all." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Just listen. Remember that casino night about a month before we were supposed to get married? I kissed Jim." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "He told me how he felt and I guess I had feelings too, and we kissed." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Jim came on to you?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Just listen." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "No, I am listening! That's the problem I am listening!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Don't yell!" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Don't yell?!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "This is over." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Yeah, you're right. This is so over. You kidding me, Pam!? Come on! God!" }, { "character": "Kenny", "line": "Damn jet skis!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Our first fight. If this is about what happened in the bathroom, there was no place to cuddle..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I feel sick." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You didn't have any of the potato salad did you?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "No, we were good when we were just running around, you know, in secret. It was wrong and it was exciting. Maybe it was a mistake to take it public." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, if that's the way you feel, my lady, then you have hurt me greatly." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Please don't cry." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm not going to cry. I feel like it but I am not going to. Why don't you just take your stupid love contract and tear it up into a million little pieces." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "It was never a love contract, Michael and besides, I have already given a copy to David and it would be just as embarrassing to get it back as I was handing it to him." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I want the house, Jan. I want the picket fence. I want the ketchup fights and the tickling, and the giggling." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I didn't mean it. I was..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Whatever." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Tired. I'm tired. And I didn't eat enough. And, and, that's all. That was it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's all, you didn't mean it?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "That's all. I didn't mean it. That's all. I'm just saying I didn't mean it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I love you, Jan." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Ok." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Don't break up you guys, you're great together." } ], [ { "character": "Roy", "line": "Are they going to call the cops?" }, { "character": "Kenny", "line": "No, I paid them off." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Jet ski money?" }, { "character": "Kenny", "line": "All of it." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "I'm gonna kill Jim Halpert." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Karen", "line": "I think it's great that Jim's invited. It's important to have contact with the New York execs, or they'll think everyone here is like Mi...chael." } ], [ { "character": "Roy", "line": "[Points to Pam's painting of the building] [laughs] You gotta sign that." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[laughs]" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "No you gotta put your name in the corner. I've seen that artist do that. Its good too, cause like you can know who paints what, you know." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Hey, are you going to Poor Richard's?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I don't know, you?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Maybe." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I'm going and so are both of you. We're all going." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Hey, isn't there some rule against inter-office dating?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "[whispering] I am not doing your dirty work for you." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I hear whispering." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok, so promise that you'll wait till we leave the parking lot before you go to the bar." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes boss." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "See ya Pam." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oscar, Angela? I didn't think you guys would come." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Why wouldn't we come?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Because of reasons..." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Are there carbs in vodka?" } ], [ { "character": "Waiter", "line": "Hey folks, what can I get you? Oh, hey Meredith." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Hey" }, { "character": "Waiter", "line": "Another vodka?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Yeah. Jack, these are my co-workers." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Sup?" }, { "character": "Waiter", "line": "[pointing to each correct person] Ryan, Pam, Stanley, Kelly, Kevin, Creed. How'd I do?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Hmm, come here much?" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "These wings are all fat and bone." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "This place is disgusting. [They smile at each other]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Why would the architect design stairs this wide? Was there an obese family in here before you?" }, { "character": "Rachel", "line": "I don't know that. I'm sure the architect passed away many years ago." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "How convenient." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "I am attracted to weird, wrong men. I dated a violent karate instructor and then an unemployed fireman. Life has been complicated. I've made some decisions that I'm not proud of; my marriage, being overly litigious with my family. I orgasm fairly easily. Michael was kind of like my dirty secret, you know, having sex with him, oh I was just turned on by my own degradation. Um, why, anyway, I was told by somebody recently that I respect that I'm old enough to have a mature relationship, and that's what this whole evening is about and I have high hopes." } ], [ { "character": "Melissa", "line": "[at the door] Hi Ryan." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Melissa", "line": "How are you doing? I've, I've missed you." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I've missed you too..." }, { "character": "Melissa", "line": "Don't you remember me?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Um, you ah, you gotta give me a hint. Um, did you meet me at the gym?" }, { "character": "Melissa", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[still at the table] Who the hell is Ryan talking to?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[at the door] Are you a client of Dunder Mifflin." }, { "character": "Melissa", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[at the table] Oh, not again. Melissa!" }, { "character": "Melissa", "line": "Daddy." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Wait for my outside. [To Ryan] She is sixteen years old. What is wrong with you?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Okay, okay. Stanley, let me explain to you what happened." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "No, no, no, no." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "She came right up to me just like she did when you brought her into work." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "No, no, no. You planned this whole thing boy. I'll snatch your spine out your back." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Space shuttle. Which one? Oh, Atlantis. Good thing it's not the Discovery. You play soccer?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "What a weird day. I don't understand it, but you don't get to understand everyday of your life. Maybe five, ten days a year, I'll get home and I will have no idea what the hell just happened. Guess everybody has days like that. Sometimes they're the nicest ones. Still, I think there might be something wrong with Jan." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Karen", "line": "So do you want to see it or not?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I don't know. Feel like... Friday night crowds..." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Oh my God, you're like, agoraphobic." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Agoraphobic?" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Yeah! You would rather sit on your couch and watch a Phillies game, than go out to a movie with your awesome girlfriend." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Absolutely correct." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Later, Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Kev, have a good weekend." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Bye. Ok, so this is what's gonna happen. You're gonna suck it up." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Here we go..." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "...and we're gonna go to dinner." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok..." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "And then we're gonna go to the movies." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Sounds good." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Hey Halpert!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey... [Roy lunges towards Jim]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "ROY!" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "[shrieks]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Roy don't! [Dwight pepper-sprays Roy]" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "[screams in pain] Ahh God!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Pam, please call security!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Everyday, for eight years, I have brought pepper spray into this office to protect myself and my fellow employees. And everyday, for eight years, people have laughed at me. Well, who's laughing now? [Dwight blinks and winces in pain from the pepper spray]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "No need for consternation, everything is under control." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Michael, last Friday one of your employees attacked another employee in your office!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It was a crime of passion, Jan, not a disgruntled employee. Everyone here is extremely gruntled." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "[sigh] Is Toby there?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No..." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I'm... here, Jan." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Ok, what... what is the situation Toby?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Well, we fired Roy, obviously. And Jim won't press charges against Roy or the company." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Thank God." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Yeah, um, but now apparently Darryl has some issue with his..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, he has been wanting a raise for a couple of months and he's just using this Roy thing as leverage." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "All right, well are you gonna take care of this?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeppers." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "What did I tell you about \"yeppers?\"" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't... remember." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I told you not to say it. Do you remember that?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeesh..." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I really don't want to talk about it. I don't mean to be rude, but I just... I don't want to comment on what happened. It sucked." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I guess... all things considered, I was lucky Dwight was there. And Roy was lucky that Dwight only used pepper spray. And not the nunchucks or the throwing stars." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey man, I never got a chance to thank you... for stopping Roy. Thank you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thank you not necessary and thus, not accepted. I saw someone breaking the law and I interceded." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay. Um... Got you something." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Don't want it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You don't know what it is." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Don't want it. Won't open it. Don't need it. Won't take it. Citizens do not accept prizes for being citizens." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "It was a little glass display case for his for his bobblehead. That would have made us even, I think. He saves my life, I get him a box for his desk toy. Even Steven." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, don't call me a hero. Do you know who the real heroes are? The guys who wake up every morning, and go into their normal jobs, and get a distress call from the commissioner, and take off their glasses and change into capes and fly around fighting crime. Those are the real heroes." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Angela, Roy's check. He's coming in later to pick it up." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Man, I cannot believe I missed the fight." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "It was crazy." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "You saw it? Describe it please." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Well, I heard some shouting. And I look over and Roy's by reception and you could just tell he's gonna punch somebody. Jim says something. Roy stomps over there. All of the sudden, BAM. Roy goes down, and Dwight's standing there like an action hero." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oh..." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "It was insane!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[flustered] Well... good for Dwight." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok I want you to be Darryl and ask me for a raise, because I want to try out some of these negotiation tactics on you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Where'd you get that?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wikipedia." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wikipedia... is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject, so you know you are getting the best possible information." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok, Darryl, ask me for a raise." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, Mike. Since Roy left I've been doing a lot more work, and I need a raise." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hmm, well that's interesting Darryl. I think... [mumbling softly] that maybe you should... [mumbling jibberish]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I can't hear you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What I'm saying is that, [continues to mumble jibberish]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Still nothin'." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok, see what I did?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "By leaning back, and by whispering, I established a dominant physical position." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nice." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok, let's try another one. Um..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Walking out of the room unexpectedly." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And what happens in this one?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's a surprise." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Go ahead, ask me for a raise." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Can I have a raise?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[gets up and begins to walk out of the room]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[softly] Sex, Steve Martin, Terri Hatcher." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, what did you say?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I didn't say anything. I was waiting to see what happened." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh it... sounded interesting... what you were gonna..." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I saw the perpetrator advance toward the victim at a high rate of speed. His head was thrown back, his shoulder and arm cocked indicating an attack position. Perp grabbed the victim. I removed my weapon from its secure hiding place." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Which is where?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Irrelevant. Discharged it at a distance of a little over a meter into the perpetrator's eyes, nose, and face area. Rendering him utterly and completely disabled. Then I contacted the authorities. The end." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Thanks Dwight." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "That is the bravest thing I have ever heard." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I can't imagine what I would have done." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I can. You would have left me to fend for myself. Like that time we were on the Ferris Wheel and that kid dropped a milk shake on me and you just laughed." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Well that was funny, that's why." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh it was?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Mm-hmm." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Okay, well the next time that you get scared, that you think a murderer's in your apartment in the middle of the night..." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "...and you call me, to calm you down..." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "You know what? I didn't---" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Can you stop..." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "...you can just call somebody else 'cause I'm not gonna do it anymore, Ryan. I'm not." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "There's a bunch of people back here, maybe..." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Well, don't talk to me about calling people in the middle of the night..." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Guys..." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I call you in the middle of the night to tell you that I love you!" } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "I don't think Michael intended to punish me, by putting Ryan back here with Kelly. But, if he did intend that? Wow. Genius." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[knock on door] Yeah." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You ready for me?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, yeah, absolutely. Have a seat." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Cool." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what? Actually, let's go into the conference room." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, you know what? Let's stay here. No let's go... Yeah let's go to the conference room." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Tactic number six. Change the location of the meeting at the last second. Totally throws 'em off." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Number 14, declining to speak first. Makes them feel uncomfortable, puts you in control." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[long pause] I am declining to speak first." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Okay, I'll start. It's pretty simple really. I uh, I think I deserve a raise. I'm scheduled to get one in six months, but I'd like that to be moved up to now." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hmm. Ohh, Darryl. You are a good worker, and a good man. I just, you know, times are tight. And I just don't think corporate is going to go for this right now." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Are you wearin' lady clothes?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Are you wearin' lady clothes? Those look like lady... pants." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, this is a power suit." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "That there's a woman's suit." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Darryl laughs] I do not buy woman's clothes. I would not make that mistake again." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I'ma call Roy, man." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ohh... kay." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "This is gonna make him feel better." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "This is too good." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright, you know what? Pam, could you please tell Darryl that this is not a woman's suit?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh my God, that's a woman's suit!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "You're wearing a woman's suit?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I do, I, I wear men's suits, OK? I got this out of a bin." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "There were these huge bins of clothes, and everybody was rifling through them like crazy, and I grabbed one. And it fit! So I don't think that this is totally just a woman's suit. At the very least it's bisexual." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Who makes it?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh, [reading the inside of his jacket] MISSterious. And it is mysterious because the buttons are on the wrong side... that's the mystery." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Look, it's got shoulderpads, and did you see that lining?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Did you see..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Would you stop it, please?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "So, none of that tipped you off?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's European, OK? It's a European cut." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael, the pants don't have any pockets." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, they don't. See? [Michael lifts his jacket tail, sticks out his back side and shows Pam]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[Laughing, covering her mouth]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Italians don't wear pockets." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's been a really rough couple of days... This helps a little." } ], [ { "character": "Karen", "line": "Hey, maybe you want to come over and raid my closet?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I don't want to do that because I'm twice your size anyway." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yeah, he look like Hillary Clinton." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um, let's just do this in 15 minutes." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Okay, can you just stand right there? [snaps camera phone picture] I gotta send some e-mails." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Negotiations are all about controlling things. About being in the driver's seat. And make one tiny mistake, you're dead. I made one tiny mistake. I wore woman's clothes." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Karen, how do you feel that Roy tried to kick your boyfriend's ass over another woman?" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "I feel great, Kevin. Thank you." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "You must have been scared out of your mind." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Well, you know it happened so fast I didn't really have time to be scared." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "What happened, exactly? I wasn't here, so I haven't really heard the whole story." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Um, well, Jim and I were talking and Roy walked in looking super angry." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Mm-hmm." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "And he's a big dude, you know? And all of a sudden, Jim pushed me out of the way, and Roy cocked his fist, and then bam, Dwight sprays him and knocks him on his butt." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[flustered] Goodness." } ], [ { "character": "Karen", "line": "When I heard Jim and Pam had kissed, my reaction was to have lots of long talks with Jim about our feelings. Roy just attacked him. I'm not sure which one Jim hated more." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Let's get down to business. Why don't you tell me why you think you deserve a raise." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Well, it's simple Mike. I mean we merged these two branches right? So now we're shipping twice as many orders as we used to. With Roy gone we got a smaller crew. And I'm pickin' up all of his slack, so I think I should be compensated fairly, by gettin' a raise." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[mumbles jibberish]" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "What? I can't hear you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[mumbling softly] That was a very good point." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I can't--- what, Mike? Are you---" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[mumbling softly] You make a very compelling argument." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Sorry I almost got you killed." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, that was nuts." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "He could have broken your nose or something. Crazy. It's just so stupid. I mean, getting back with Roy and everything. I mean, what was I thinking, right?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, I mean, you guys really seem to have a strong connection." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Not anymore. It's, um... It's completely over now." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "We'll see. I'm sure you guys will... find you way back to one another someday." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Jim... I am really... sorry." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, yeah. Don't worry about it." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am going to give you a piece of paper. I want you to write down how much you want, and I want you to slide it back across the desk to me." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Why can't I just... tell you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Because, that is the way these things are done. In... films. [Darryl writes the amount and starts to hand the paper to Michael] No, slide--- slide it, yes." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "There you go." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh. [scoffs] Come on. Be serious." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I am serious, Mike. That's a 10% raise. That's what I want." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I... I can't give you that, I--- I don't make this much." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Come on, be for real Mike." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't. Want me to prove it to you? There is... a pay stub." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[laughs] Are you serious? You're earning this?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Plus perks, yes." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Mike, this is barely more than I make. You been here ten years, dog. [laughs]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Fourteen years." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Ho-ho!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, please, please..." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Oh, I'm sorry Mike, some of my folks got to hear about this one. [texting on cell phone] Ah. [laughs]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok, let's take 15, again." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "A boss's salary isn't just about money, it is about perks. It... for example, every year I get a $100 gas card... Can't put a price tag on that." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok, if you don't want a gift, at least let me buy you a beer, or lunch or something." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "When Han Solo returns to the Death Star in the Millennium Falcon, and shoots down the TIE fighters and saves the Rebel cause, do you think he does so for a free beer?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Boy I---" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No. And why are you so interested in buying me something Jim, what's your angle?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "It's like when he annoys me and I want to screw with him to get him back, he never sees it coming. But now, I want to be nice to him, and actually give him something, and he's like an eel. I just can't grab onto him. It's infuriating." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Maybe you just feel guilty about all the pranks." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well... yes, that's probably what it is. So what do I do?" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Hmm... I don't know. Maybe you should go back out there and sell paper so we can go on a trip." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Michael, here's the, uh, $15 I owe you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, thank you." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah. I heard you might need it. So..." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Here's the $40 you gave me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I didn't give you $40." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "In a way you did." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Yeah, I heard how much Michael makes. I still think he's way overpaid." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[on cell phone] Fourteen years. Fourteen. I know. [laughing] Ok, alright. I gotta go. Later. [hangs up]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. Okay, here's the straight... dope. No tricks. No Wikipedia." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I talked to corporate, and they told me that I can only give you a 5% raise." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "That's 'cause of you, Mike. They're not gonna give the workin' man more than the boss." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well what am I supposed to do?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Get your own raise. You gotta get out there and earn, son." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm not gonna go out and ask for a raise right now. That is ridiculous." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Well, when they merged the two branches together, they put you in charge. Okay, and we're shippin' more now than we ever have." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[exhales] That's true." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yeah that's true. You gotta call your girl, and get paid. Show her who wears the pants in the relationship." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what? I should." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yeah, you should." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I have been a loyal employee for a long time." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Fourteen years long." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what? I deserve a bump." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Make it happen, cap'in." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am makin' it happen, sergeant." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "I remember it was very late at night, like 11, 11:30. Big fella comes in screamin' about God knows what. I think maybe Halpert had stolen his car. [Angela rolls her eyes] Something like that. So the big fella pulls out a sock filled with nickels. Then Schrute grabs a can of hairspray and a lighter---" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "You're useless." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "Why don't we talk next month, after the quarter ends?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, Jan. I've never asked for a raise in 14 years. This is long overdue. I wanna do it today." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Today. All right, well, uh, if you want to do it today, we should meet in person, and uh, can you get here by five?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yshhyah. Um, yeah. I'll leave right away." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Great. Uh, and listen. Because of our, uh, our... you know, situation, we're gonna need to have a third party present." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, I'm bringing Darryl." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Da--- Darryl from the warehouse?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mm-hm." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "No, Michael. We, we need an HR rep. So, uh, I think you should just bring Toby." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, I'd rather kill myself." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Michael, he's your branch's HR rep..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[talking over Jan] No, Toby is terrible. Toby is the worst human being I've ever known." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "...and we need someone else, in the room, because of our relationship. You know this. Michael, either Toby comes with you, or we don't do it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[sighs] Fine." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "You are so mean." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I don't know what you're talking about." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Yes you do, Ryan Bailey Howard. You called me stupid." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "No, I said your idea was stupid." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Toby, come on. Let's go." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Where?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Where? I'm gonna smack you in the head with a hammer. Come on, let's go." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "What is so stupid about wanting to name a baby Usher?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Alright." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Usher Jennifer Hudson Kapoor." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Don't you see why that's insane?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh, so I'm crazy now?" } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Comfortable, Mike?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah. Fine." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "How about you, man. Comfortable?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[imitating Chris Tucker] Don't ever touch a black man's radio! ...Chris Tucker. Rush Hour. I won't touch yours, by the way." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well..." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I haven't been to New York in a long time." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mm, the Big Apple." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Maybe I'll stay overnight. Got a cousin lives down there." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "How would we get home?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Oh you could stay too. He's got a big place." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Maybe I'll stay." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Mm, it's not that big." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well..." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Busses, though. They get you home quick." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[mouth full of pretzels] Oh, I..." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "And all of a sudden, Dwight stood up and was like \"No!\"" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Then what'd he do? [Kelly's phone rings]" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "You should just read the report that Toby did. He took everyone's stories. [answering phone] Dunder Mifflin, customer service, this is Kelly. Oh yeah I could totally help you with that. Ok, let me just get the folder out. Okay, it seems here that you ordered 12,000 reams of paper. Oh, 12 reams..." } ], [ { "character": "Hunter", "line": "Hey guys, Jan is ready for you." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Okay, bring it home now. And don't forget the new black man phrase I taught you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pippity poppity, give me the zoppity." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yes sir. Remember that. I'll be right outside if you need me" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yeah, I taught Mike some new phrases. I want him to get the raise, I... just can't help myself." } ], [ { "character": "Roy", "line": "[to Jim] Hey man, uh... I'm sorry. [Jim motions \"Don't worry about it\"] [Roy receives his check from Angela] Thanks. [to Pam] Can I, like, see you after work for coffee, or... something?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't know." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Please. I just got some stuff I gotta say to you. [Pam nods, meekly]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[as Roy is walking out] Jim--- Roy--- Look out!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thanks, Kev. I'm good though." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "Thank you, Hunter. [to Michael and Toby] Hello. Come in. [exhales] Ah, Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Who's the boy toy?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "That's my new assistant." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Were you going to tell me that you hired James Van Der Beek?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I have to call you the second I get a new assistant?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Be nice to get a memo, we are lovers." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Hi, Jan." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Hi, Toby. [clears throat] First--- [Michael clears his throat] First off, Michael, this is a salary negotiation. All matters regarding our personal relationship have to be set aside. Are we clear?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pippity poppity." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Right now we can offer you a 6% raise." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Six percent? After all we've been through?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Oh, God." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I got you... jade earrings." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Michael---" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No!" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Michael---" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. You gonna play it like this? You give me a good raise, or no more sex. [Toby begins to write] [to Toby] What are you writing, perv-ball?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Just preparing for the deposition." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "This may be the first time that a male subordinate has attempted to get a modest scheduled raise by threatening to withhold sex from a female superior. It will be a groundbreaking case when it inevitably goes to trial." } ], [ { "character": "Roy", "line": "I'm so sorry, Pammy. I really wasn't gonna do anything. But then I... kept thinkin' about you two together, and... I just thought you guys were really good friends, or... or maybe he was gay or somethin'... Not that that's wrong." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm sorry too. I just, I think that we both made some bad choices." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "So you gonna start datin' Halpert then?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Um... no. No, he has a girlfriend." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Oh yeah... Wait a minute, you... broke off our wedding for the guy." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, there were a lot of reasons." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "But you're not even gonna try to go out with him? [Pam meekly shakes her head] I don't get you Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I know." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What's this?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What's what?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Certificate of Bravery, from the Scranton Police Department. \"Recognizing outstanding citizenship from a very brave young man. Dwight K. Schrute\"" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow. I guess word got around. That's a nice... honor." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Please. They hand these out to little kids. Look. There's a teddy bear in a policeman's cap." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[under his breath] Didn't think you'd notice..." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why don't you just take that pen and stab me in the heart. This is me, Jan. This is me!" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Okay, Michael. Please, why don't we just take a break. This is really going nowhere." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, no, no, no, no. You do not try tactic number eight on me. I invented tactic number eight. I'm not going anywhere." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Ok, Toby, how about if you..." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Sure." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Great." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "What's wrong with you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ohh. It was a weird day. I accidentally cross-dressed. And then Darryl made me feel bad for not making any money. And then I had to ride up here with stupid Toby. And then, your assistant, is all young and hot. And I---" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Okay, Michael. I can offer you a 12% raise, but you have got to ask for 15." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well that's ridiculous I'm not gonna make---" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "No, just... I just need you to ask for it, so I can record that you asked for it. Okay?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ah, so... All right, Levinson. Here's the rub. I would like a 15% raise." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "No. But we can offer you 12." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "But you just said 15." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Negotiation is an art. Back and forth. Give and take. And today, both Darryl and I took something. Higher salaries. Win win win. But you know, life is about more... than just salaries. It's about perks. Like having sex with Jan--" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Michael!" } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "So you and Bob are looking at a historical house?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Mm-hmm, near the river." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Mm, how many bedrooms?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Four." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Dwight. Dwight. I've been doing some very interesting reading." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Mm-hmm. Tales of bravery." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Mm, good stuff." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Mm-hmm. I was thinking tonight, we could... read it together." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Sounds... fun. [they kiss, Jim walks out of the bathroom and sees]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[scoffs] I... will never say a word. And now, we are even." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I graduated from anger management the same way I graduated from Cornell. On time. Now I'm back. Got a second chance, and I'm not gonna blow it. [in a forceful voice] So look out Dunder Mifflin! [laughs] [snaps] I mean, look out... in a fun way! You know, not like, I'm gonna hurt you..." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey guys! Guess who's back! [Dwight pepper-spray's Andy] AHHH! [screams in pain] OH, GOD!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No need to thank me." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I am not a hero. I am a mere defender of the office. You know who's a real hero? Hiro, from Heroes. That's a hero. Also, Bono." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Look, I am not a gazillionaire. I can't... I can't dress like Donald Trump dresses. I have to stay within the parameters of my budget. I can't shop at a fancy Norwegian boutique. I buy my suits the old fashioned way. I buy them from discount stores... or on eBay. And when I found out that Ross was having a midnight madness sale, I ran, not walked, as per the instructions on the flier. And I got there, and when the doors opened, all of these women ran to this one bin. And I did too. And I grabbed this suit. And a woman, sort of a, I don't know, Missy Elliot type, grabbed the jacket. And, uh, we had kind of a heated tug of war. And I could tell by the way she was screaming that this must be a get. And I figured she was just buying it for her husband, to answer your question from before. Um, anyway, she s... socked me, in the eye. And she got it, she got the suit. But, I went to the Ross, in Trenton New Jersey, and I found the exact same suit. And I didn't have to deal with Missy Elliot." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Good morning, Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, welcome back, Andy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Drew. I'm Drew now." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh. Drew. Sorry." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Apology not... accepted. Because it wasn't even necessary in the first place. [laughs]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Several weeks ago, Andy Bernard had an incident. [cut to shot of Andy punching a hole in the wall] But after five weeks in Anger Management, I'm back. And I've got a new attitude. And a new name. And... a bunch of new techniques for dealing with the grumpies." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Mornin' Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, Andy. How are you, man?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Good. Drew." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What's that?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Dr--- You can call me Drew." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, I'm not gonna call you that." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Cool. I can't control what you do. I can only control what I do." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Andy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Drew. [walks to Dwight] Dwight. How's it goin' man?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes, I have decided to shun Andy Bernard for the next three years. Which I'm looking forward to. It's an Amish technique. It's like slapping someone with silence. I was shunned from the age of four until my sixth birthday... for not saving the excess oil from a can of tuna." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jim, could you please inform Andy Bernard that he is being shunned." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Andy, Dwight says welcome back, and he could use a hug." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ok, tell him that's not true." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dwight says that he actually doesn't know one single fact about bear attacks." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You guys..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ok, no. Jim, tell him that bears can climb faster than they can run. Jim! Tell him!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[half-heartedly] Andy! Nah, that's too far." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Damn you." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Today is Safety Training Day. Toby is leading ours upstairs. Yeauck. But, I am giving everyone a little bit of a treat. We are going to listen in on Darryl's presentation to the warehouse. And if I know Darryl, it gonna be zoppity." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Now, this is the forklift. You need--- [Michael rattles it] You need a license to operate this machine. That means the upstairs office workers can't drive it. ... Quiz! Mike." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hmm." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Should you drive the forklift?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I can, and I have." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "No! No no no no no! I said should you. You should not drive it. You should not drive the forklift, you understand?" }, { "character": "Lonny", "line": "You're not allowed to drive the forklift." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "It's not safe, you don't have a license." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Guys, I'm not the only one who's driven the forklift. [points] Pudge has driven the forklift." }, { "character": "Madge", "line": "Madge." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I thought your name was Pudge?" }, { "character": "Madge", "line": "No, it's always been Madge." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. Um, her." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Her. Yes, \"her\" is qualified to work a dangerous machine. You are not. Okay?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ah, fine." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Do you understand that?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeeesh." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "We do safety training every year, or after an accident. ... We've never made it a full year. This particular time, I was reaching for a supply box on the top shelf, when one office worker, who shall remain nameless, kicked the ladder out from under me and yelled..." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[barely keeping his composure] \"Hey Darryl, how's it hangin'?!\" [laughs]" } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "And I fell and busted my ankle. I'm legitimately scared for my workers." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "The baler can flatten a car engine. It can cut off your arm and crush your entire body without skipping a beat." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It's on!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "How many people a year do you think get their arms cut off in a baler?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Bail'er? I hardly know her." }, { "character": "Lonny", "line": "Dammit, Michael. Pay attention, man." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Anybody wanna take a guess? Anybody?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Five bucks says it's over 50." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You really wanna bet?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Anybody?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Ever since March Madness ended, I am so bored." }, { "character": "Guy", "line": "How many?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok, you're on." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Ten people, Michael. Ten people. Would you like to be one of them?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[mouths] Damn..." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[in background] You have to be alert, and calm. And always careful..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, don't worry about it. We'll just got double or nothin'." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "On what?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I don't know, we'll figure somethin' out." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Nice." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What are you guys talkin' about?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "These are very dangerous machines down here, and the upstairs workers, Michael, should not go anywhere near them." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, yes. But it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world... if somebody..." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "It would be the worst thing in the world! It would! Very much so." }, { "character": "Lonny", "line": "What the hell is wrong with this man?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's a big red trash compactor!" }, { "character": "Lonny", "line": "What are you---" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "It's not a trash compactor! It's a baler!" }, { "character": "Lonny", "line": "Don't disrespect the baler!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, okay! I got it. I got it. ... Only on the rarest of occasions..." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "No do not touch it!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "...would I go near---" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "There is no occasion for you to go near this stuff, okay?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Toby now has the floor... and he is going to try not to screw this up, like everything else in his life. Let me rephrase that. I believe that you can do safety training and make it sound just as good as Darryl. Here we go!" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Ok, um, one thing that you're gonna want to look out for is carpal tunnel syndrome. It's recommended that you take a ten minute break from typing every hour. For your circulation, you're gonna want to get up out of your chairs and uh, and move around about ten minutes every hour." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, good. Fine. Like stretching and..." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Um, yeah. You're computer screen can be a big strain on your eyes, so uh, it's also recommended that you step away for about... about ten minutes every hour." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wow, that is... that time really adds up. That's like... a half an hour, every hour?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Take them at the same time." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok, you know what? You're making it sound kind of lame. So, skip ahead to the really dangerous stuff. Like sometimes computers can explode, can they not?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "No, no. Um, you always want to keep a sweater or cardigan of some sort, in case it gets drafty." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "What about a long sleeve T?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Well, that'll work." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Long johns? A shaw?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "You know, anything that warms you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok, you know what? I think that everybody is going to vomit due to boredom. [to warehouse guys] Sorry, he is very lame. [takes book from Toby] Um, let's see. \"Seasonal affective disorder! A depression that includes weight gain, fatigue, irritability, brought on by the low light of winter.\"" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Thank God we only had a baler to deal with." }, { "character": "Lonny", "line": "Yeah, that dim light is a bitch, ain't it?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok guys, you know what? I didn't--- I didn't interrupt when you were having your presentation." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Actually, you did." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes. Okay, let's do another one. This is a good one. \"A particular concern for office workers is a sedimentary life style, which can contribute---\"" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Sedentary." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes. \"Which can contribute to heart disease.\" Heart disease kills more people that balers." }, { "character": "Lonny", "line": "That's called having a fat butt, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mmmm, no, no, it's... sedentary..." }, { "character": "Lonny", "line": "Yeah, yeah. That's, that's fat butt disease. That's what you suffer from?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Lonny", "line": "Fat butt disease, Michael?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Excuse me, sea monster, you weigh like a thousand pounds." }, { "character": "Lonny", "line": "Yeah? I bet you'd like to swim with this sea monster, wouldn't you?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Ryan?" }, { "character": "Lonny", "line": "Dude, tell your girl to shut up." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "What?!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Kelly, you insulted the gentleman. Please apologize." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Are you kidding me?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Alright, we outta here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Darryl, I did not walk out in the middle of yours. So, I---" }, { "character": "Lonny", "line": "Yeah, but ours was real, Michael." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "That's what I've been trying to tell you, Mike. It's serious down there. We do dangerous stuff, man. This is shenanigans, foolishness, Nerf-ball. You live a sweet, little, Nerf-y life. Sittin' on your biscuit. Never havin' to risk it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. ... What, Nerf isn't cool anymore?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Darryl thinks he is such a man because he works in a warehouse. I worked in a warehouse. Men's Warehouse. I was a greeter. I'd like to see Darryl greet people. Probably make 'em feel like wimps. Not me, I... \"Hello, I'm Michael. Welcome to Men's Warehouse. We have a special on khaki pants today.\" ... This is one example." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[Pam is holding a jar of jellybeans] Ten." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Really, ten? That's your guess? You're a professional accountant." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "There's like ten green ones." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Forty-two." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm gonna say fifty." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Fifty-one." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, don't be that person." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "That is lame." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "It's a strategy!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's called being smart." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh, geeze." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't know how the whole betting thing started, but it's fun." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ten..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Kev's out." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Damn it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "47, 48, 49! Jim wins!" }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Oooh! [Jim claps]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "That is not fair. He has spent hours up here at reception with you. Hours and hours." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, okay." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "No, constantly. Like, for years." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam, depression is as scary as a baler, right?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't understand the question." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Working in an office can lead to depression. Which can lead to suicide. I mean this is really serious stuff." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I--- I--- Nobody commits suicide because they work with a baler, and yet those guys are makin' fun of me, calling me a Nerf, that..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's really hard to demonstrate depression. Their safety training had visuals." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah... you are... ah, so right. They had visual aids. And all we had were the facts. You don't go to the science museum and get handed a pamphlet on electricity. You go to the science museum and you put your hand on a metal ball, your hair sticks up straight... and you know science." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "So, you're okay?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Indubitably." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "They use props. They use visual aids, and they just made us look like dopes." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Idiots! God, what are we gonna do!?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't know, I don't know. Because you know what our killer is? Depression---" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wolves." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nn--- Depression." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Visual aids." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "A quilt. Depression quilt?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No time to sew a quilt. ... I got it. Give me the number for the Giant Big Box Toy Store." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "You may be asking yourself, \"What am I doing on a trampoline?\" Well, I thought I'd bounce here for a while, relieve some stress, and then move on with my day. Not! Here's the plan. Dwight, is going to gather all of the office workers and all of the warehouse guys, we're going to have another safety seminar. Only this time, where's Michael? Oh my God! He is on the roof! Now I have got their attention. I... tell them, about the cold hard facts of depression. And then I say, \"Hey! You ever seen a suicide?\" And I jump. And they freak out. And they get to see... the dangers of depression with their own eyes. Nice side note: They might think \"Hey, I should have been nicer to Michael.\" But that's... not why I'm doing this... Then, I land on the trampoline, take a couple extra bounces for fun. I climb off, walk around the corner... Ta-freakin'-da! [Dwight nods]" } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "So then the next movie moves to the top of the queue. So number five becomes number four, number six becomes number five, [Ryan checks his watch]number three becomes number two, etc, etc. And let's just say that I just sent back Love Actually, which was awesome. [Karen lays money down on the desk next to Ryan] And they sent me Uptown Girls, which is also awesome. But guess what, now I want to see love actually again, [Phyllis throws her money down] but it's at the bottom of the que! Oh no, what do I do!? [Creed throws his money down] What I do, is this. I go online, I go click, click, click. And I change the order of the que, so that I can see Love Actually [Pam throws her money down] as soon as I want to. It's so easy, Ryan. Do you really not know how Netflix works? [Jim throws his money down]" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I guess I forgot. [kisses Kelly, gathers up all the money]" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "You're such a ditz." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Ryan, well done. Two minutes, forty-two seconds. Additionally, Pam, you win ten because she said \"awesome\" 12 times, and Jim, you win five because she mentioned six romantic comedies." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[on the roof] Okay, let's do this thing! I'll go summon the troops!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Maybe we should test it first. Letterman-style. Throw a TV over, or..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "We measured it once..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Go buy some watermelons." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Seedless?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just..." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "[Creed takes a bite of an apple] Creed is eating an apple. I found a potato." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey Creed." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Hey!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Hello. [Jim replaces Creed's apple with a potato][Creed takes a bite of the potato]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Here you go. [hands money]" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Nice." } ], [ { "character": "Karen", "line": "I don't know this place as well as I thought I did. I'm getting cleaned out." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ready?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Let's do it! Drop that sucker." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[drops watermelon, watermelon bounces off trampoline, onto a car, bursts, car alarm sounds]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "BINGO! WHOA WHOA WHOA! Oh... crap. Deactivate the car alarm. Clean up the mess." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Find out whose car that is. If it's Stanley's, call the offices of James P. Albini, see if he handles hate crimes." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Got it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Also, take apart the trampoline, stick it in the baler." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "We're not allowed to use the baler." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Have Pa--adge do it, or... the sea monster." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm on it!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm temporarily lifting the shun." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It means nothing. I need you to do something for me." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Anything." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, calm down. I need you to acquire an inflatable house, and/or castle." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You mean a moon bounce." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What do you think? You've got an hour." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'm gonna need... I'm gonna need petty cash." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Shunning resumed." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Do you, do you want a drawbridge?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Un-shun. Yeah that sounds good. Re-shun." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh yeah, this is much better. Safer. Excellent decision." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, thank you for seeing that." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "When you land, try and land like an eight year-old. These bouncy castles are not designed for adults." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't know if I wanna do this." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Do you wanna do another test? I got plenty of watermelons in my trunk!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. No more. The tests are going terrible. If we keep doing it, we're not gonna want to jump. This is about doing, not thinking." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's right! Doing! Totally doing! It's rock n' roll!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Rock n' roll!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's right! I am not thinking." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[imitating the sound and playing an air guitar] Near near near near near!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes! Yeah!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[singing] Michael is awesome! Jumpin' off the roof!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Woo!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[singing] Bouncin' on the bouncy bounce! Show 'em who's boss!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Woo!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[singing] Rip a hole in the suuuuuuun!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am ready to do this! I am ready to make a point! [Dwight continues air guitar]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[out of breath] Guys! Listen up! Michael is up on the roof, and acting strange!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Whoa! What's the situation?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[hesitates] Un-shun. I think he's suffering from depression. Re-shun." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ok, when's the shunning thing gonna end?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Un-shun. Never. Re-shun. I think he wants you all to come out to the parking lot and watch him die!" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Is it nice outside?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's gorgeous. Let's go!" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Do I need my jacket?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No really, it's, it's very nice. Come on!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Will I be too warm in a long sleeve T?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Everybody's gonna be fine in exactly what they're wearing, let's go! Let's go!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[outside] Come on, hurry up you guys!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[on the roof] My life! Oh, my life..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[on megaphone] Michael, what's wrong?!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Everything's wrong. The stress of my modern office, has caused me to go into a depression." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Depression? Isn't that just a fancy word for feeling bummed out?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight, you ignorant slut. Depression is a very serious illness. Over 32 thousand people commit suicide every year! According to a 2004 study!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Is that the last year the data was available?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes! My head is in such pain! And turmoil!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Don't do anything rash!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wait, where are the warehouse guys?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I didn't... [Dwight runs up to the side of the building] I didn't think you needed them for this part." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay... that's..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "you said to just..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's the whole point, dummy." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, I'm on it!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Attention blue collar workers!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "What are the odds that this is in any way real?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'd say like... 10,000 to 1?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Okay, I'd like ten bucks on those odds." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "If someone gives you 10,000 to 1 on anything, you take it. If John Mellencamp ever wins an Oscar, I am going to be a very rich dude." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael's up on the roof and he's acting strange!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oooooh, my life!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael! What's wrong?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Everything is wrong, Dwight. The stress of my modern office, has made me depressed." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Depressed? Isn't that just a fancy word for feeling bummed out?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight, you ignorant slut." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, you know, the first performance was a little off. But I really think they hit their stride, in the second show. Um, might even bring my parents tomorrow, to the matinee." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And that is why, I am going to jump off this roof!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, excuse me. It's my... favorite part." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "This is just offensive." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "At least we're outside." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "[zipping up his pants] Hey, check it out, there's a... there's a castle over there." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh my God, there is a castle." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, there's nothing to see over there, people! There's nothing to see. ...They found the castle, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Damn it." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh... God. Oh my God, he's gonna jump." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh. He's going to kill himself, pretending to kill himself." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah..." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey uh, Michael. Don't jump on the bouncy castle. You can't do that, because you're going to get horribly, horribly injured." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey Michael! I have a present for you, but you have to come down and get it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What is it?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Come down and... open it and you'll see." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight, find out what the present is." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, uh... I don't see anything. She might be bluffing." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dwight..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Dwight, what are you---" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh... It's uh, a Repliee Q1 Expo female robot, they're only available in Japan." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight, you are such a liar. Pam, really, what is it?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Mike, this is the opposite of safety. You jump, you're gonna serious hurt yourself." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You told me, that I lead a... cushy, wimpy, Nerf life." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yeah, but I never said you had nothing to live for." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What do I have to live for?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "A lot... of things. Uh, you, uh... What about Jan? Lovely, lovely, lovely Jan, man. It's goin' good, right?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's complicated with Jan. And I don't know where I stand, or what I want. The sex isn't nearly as good as it used to be." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Mike, you're a very brave man. I mean, it takes courage just to be you. To get out of bed every single day, knowing full well, you gotta be you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do you really mean that?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I couldn't do it. I--- I ain't that strong. And I ain't that brave." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm braver than you?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Way braver! You Braveheart, man." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I Braveheart. I am." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Come down, okay?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. Pam, I'm coming down to get my present." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "An office... is as safe as the people in it. And sometimes those people can drive you to do crazy things to show the dangers of the office. That's the danger I found myself in today. I saved a life. My own. Am I a hero? I really can't say. But, yes." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "When people think of Andy, they think of hate and anger. When people think of Drew, they think of baked goods." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh my God, these cookies have no flavor. How is that possible?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "They are the worst. Who's this Drew chick?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Drew isn't a girl... She's Andy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh no, nobody likes my cookies. I'm so angry, argh I want to hit something. [laughs] Totally kidin' guys." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Little device I learned to diffuse tension, be the first to make fun of yourself, because if they make fun of you before you do... Then you might lose your mind." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[pours the last of the coffee into his mug]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ahhh... Is that the last of it?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I'm sorry." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It's OK. I can't always have what I want, but I can always want what I have." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Well, would you like a cup of no coffee? 'Cause that's what we have." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Is it fresh? [winks]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Are you going to beat me up?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Umm... [draws back arm] No. [laughs]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "People don't need to be afraid of me. I can't achieve anger any more, and I have a new car. Toyota Prius, because Andy didn't care about fuel efficiency, but Drew has seen \"An Inconvenient Truth\". Nearly twice." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "[walks around Andy's new car keying it]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK, come on everybody, go time. Pam let's go." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I thought I'd stay and answer the phones." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Don't worry Pam, you will be answering phones for the rest of your life... Your long lovely life. [whispers to camera] saved it." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Here we go." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Come on." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Field Trip." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Step lively. Single file everybody." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Like we're going to the science museum." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Let's single..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Learn by touching." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Single... OK." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I've been told that I'm a tactile learner." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Buddy system, everyone buddy up, find a buddy." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "You should work out Ryan, you would look so hot." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Totally, we should both work out." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Screw you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Kelly, Ryan looks great. You should be thankful that you..." }, { "character": "Larry", "line": "Sir, could you please, please focus on Darryl?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I..." }, { "character": "Larry", "line": "Try." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Summing up." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sum it up Darryl, sum it up." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "We got beat today, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[sighs]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "But it was not a fair fight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No it was not. Remind me again, what was the fight exactly, who was it between, and what was the outcome?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It was the warehouse guys..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Right." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "... Dwight, they embarrassed us..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Argh!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "... because they had a much scarier safety presentation." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ghaaa!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what's funny? Robin Williams. [sighs] When a cat gets stuck in a washing machine. City Slickers. Talking like Borat. You know what's not funny? Safety, or making fun of the person trying to talk about safety. [in Borat voice] Not nice. I must show people how dangerous office can be. High five... Now that's funny." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "How do you make depression sexy? How do you... How do you get people interested in depression? That is the conon... the conun... the conumbery" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Those warehouse guys, think that we are all flabby, middle management, nerf balls. Well I'm going to show them that we have nerfs of steel. [winks]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[Michael, Andy, and Dwight are standing around a trampoline] You know guys, I recently learned some pretty cool stuff about the difference between feeling something and... acting on that thing." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Can you tell Andy to focus on the springs? Please." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, Drew." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yes bosses." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know Drew, why don't you go inside. Dwight come here. Where should we put this?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "OK, ahh, turn around, and do a broad jump for me on go. Ready... Go! One Mississ... OK, you went that far on one Mississ. Ippi would take you to here. This trajectory times the propulsion from your quadriceps would be about three Mississippi, maybe three and a quarter. So one Mississ... correct... ippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi... e. Right here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK, good. Thank you. Wanna take our time, do this right." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "[phone rings] Hello? Hi Bob Vance. [laughs]" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "That's three times in ten minutes." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Where's my five dollars?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "You are my little teddy bear. I wantcha." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I always knew my co-workers were annoying. I never realized I could profit from it. Go ahead Bob Vance, call Phyllis, all day." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[Michael is up on the roof of the building] Michael, go ahead, we're listening." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm going to wait. I don't want to say this twice, it's too painful and I'm too depressed." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "[talking through bullhorn] Michael, you can not fly, you can not, I've seen this too many times." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Give me that thing, I want to try." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, you know what we should probably preserve the batteries." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I was just going to say that [yells toward Michael] you have a cute butt. Oh my God I did not just say that, did I just say that? Oh my God I'm so adorable." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I know the timings bad, but I hate to be a nudge, but there's stuff that he has to sign that needs to be mailed by four." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "OK, if he's not down by four, I'll get the papers up to him." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "OK, it's three forty eight." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "OK, Ryan you know what? You can do this." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Oh, no, I have no training in this sort of thing." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Come on." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Don't play dumb, you know damn well what we talking about." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Come on. He'll listen to you." }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Come on Ryan." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Let's do it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Come on pretty boy." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Michael, you have always taken a great interest in my career." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I will miss you the most Ryan." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Oh, what is your deal man!? Seriously I don't get it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Let me borrow that chief. Michael, you don't have to prove anything to anyone but yourself. So don't jump just to prove anything to us. OK? That said, if you need to prove something to yourself, you should jump." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Up to you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No no no!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "If you do jump, I want you to reach for the sky." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "OK. careful, thanks. [takes bullhorn from Andy]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Grab a comet and kiss the moon! Kiss it!" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "See this is why you always take ten thousand to one. You never know." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You own a convertible. Come on man that's, that's hot. Women love that stuff right?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's only leased, and it's got rust damage, he'll never get his deposit back." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Coal miners, crab fishermen, Dog the bounty hunter, all dangerous jobs. But also upper middle management. [takes deep breath] Wow! I could have fallen off a roof today... And you don't worry about falling off a roof when you work on a crab boat... And there are no roofs in coal mines." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[in parking lot] Goodnight Stanley. [sees his car is keyed, just nods his head]" } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Dressed as Dwight] It's kind of blurry. [puts on his glasses] That's better. [exhales] Question. What kind of bear is best?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's a ridiculous question." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "False. Black bear." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well that's debatable. There are basically two schools of thought---" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Fact. Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Bears do not--- What is going on--- What are you doing?!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Last week, I was in a drug store and I saw these glasses. Uh, four dollars. And it only cost me seven dollars to recreate the rest of the ensemble. And that's a grand total of... [Jim calculates the total on his calculator-watch] eleven dollars." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You know what? Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, so I thank you. [Jim places a bobble-head on his desk] Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "... MICHAEL!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, that's funny. MICHAEL!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[on phone] Yes, I understand. Can I transfer you to customer relations?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[on phone] Absolutely. I couldn't be more sorry about this." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "[on phone] I know, I know. We're all trying to get to the bottom of this." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[on phone] I am upset. Don't I sound upset?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[on phone] It is disgusting. I totally agree. Well, we're going to recalling all of that paper." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "We have a crisis. Apparently, a disgruntled employee at the paper mill decided that it would be funny to put an obscene watermark on our 24 pound cream butter stock. Five hundred boxes has gone out, with the image of a beloved cartoon duck, performing... unspeakable acts upon a certain cartoon mouse that a lot of people like. I've never been a fan." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Everybody in here. STAT. No time to lose. Cri-Man-Squa. F and C, doubletime." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Cri-Man-Squa?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Crisis Management Squad." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "F and C, doubletime?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Front and Center. Twice as fast as you would normally go. Any other questions?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "One more. Why are you talking like that?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "To save time, Jim." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Actually I think you could make the argument that it wastes time." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, she has a good point. I mean, for example, with the last thing you said, by the time you explained it, it actually took up more time." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what? Bluh bluh bluh bluh bluh! Forget it. Where is Creed?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Creed. Quality assurance. Your job. I really think you screwed the pooch on one, Creed. Because of you, the entire company is in jeopardy." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "Every week I'm supposed to take four hours and do a quality spot-check at the paper mill. And of course the one year I blow it off, this happens." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "We have a lot of angry customers out there. This puts us at threat level midnight. Accounting, you are on customer service duty today." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "That's really not our job." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Midnight, Oscar! Don't worry, Kelly will be training you first." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Kelly's training us?" } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "This day is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. This day is bananas! B-A-N-A-" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "[getting a pill from the bottle] I don't have a headache. I'm just preparing." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jim, big fire in your house. Your client, Dunmore High-school, sent out their prom invitations on this paper. Went home to all the kids." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, I gotta call out on that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, no, no. Not good enough. This is a keystone account. I want you in the school. In person." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I want you to bring a partner." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I'll go." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, sweet cheeks. We need someone who's actually made a sale. Andy, you go." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[English accent] William Dolittle at your service. A.K.A., Will Do." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, I'm definitely gonna go alone." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no. I need two men on this. That's what she said. No time! But she did. NO TIME! Guys, get on this. Dwight, I want you to be in charge of the press conference." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes! You are entering the \"No Spin Zone!\"" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We're having a press conference?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, Pam. The press is just gonna find out by themselves." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Not! [scoffs]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Here's the thing. When a company screws up, best thing to do is call a press conference. Alert the media, and then you control the story. Wait for them to find out, and the story controls you. That's what happened to O.J." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I have invited Barbara Allen, one of our oldest clients, to come in here, and meet with me, for a personal apology. The press wants a story, I will give them a story." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, did the press ask for a story?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Here is your headline. \"Scranton Area Paper Company, Dunder Mifflin, apologizes to valued client. Some companies still know how business is done.\" Okay? Battle stations everybody, let's go, go, go, go, go, go!" } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "Yes, hello. Creed Bratton, Quality Assurance, Dunder Mifflin Scranton. I was supposed to meet with one of your floor managers last week for a quality inspection, and he or she wasn't there. And I'm trying to remember who it was. Mm-hmm. Who wasn't there last week? Debbie Brown. And which day was that? Wednesday, the eleventh. Perfect." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "The only difference between me and a homeless man is this job. I will do whatever it takes to survive. Like I did... when I was a homeless man." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Look, I know the reason that you guys became accountants is because you're not good at interacting with people. But guess what? From now on, you guys are no longer losers! So give yourselves a round of applause. [Kelly and Kevin clap]" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I wonder how many phone calls you're missing while you're teaching us to answer calls." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I know, right? Probably a lot." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Can you just tell us what we need to do so we can go?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "OK, Angela. I love your enthusiasm. All you need to know how to do is pick up the phone and say \"Customer Service, this is Kelly!\" Except don't say \"Kelly,\" say your own name. Or if you're bored, you can just make up a name. Like one time, I said I was Bridget Jones, [in an English accent] and I talked like this for the whole conversation!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh! Can I be [horrible Australian accent] Australian, mate?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[in accent] Absolutely!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[in accent] 'ello, mate!" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[in accent] I like ice cream! I need a boyfriend." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[in accent] I like ice cream too, mate. Alligators and dingo babies." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Beer me!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What's that?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hand me that water. I always say \"Beer me.\" Gets a laugh like a quarter of the time. So how's what's-her-name?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know her name." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Who, Karen? Yeah, she's only one of my oldest friends. [takes swig of water] Mmm. How's the apartment hangin'?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It's fine." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Nice. Check out this sunshine, man. Global warming, right? Today was supposed to be really cold, I bet." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What about music? Do you have any music?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Uh, yeah. Should have said so. [sings] Rha-dah-dah-dah! Give me the beat, boys, and free my soul. I wanna get lost in your rock and roll and drift away-he-hay. Ruu-da-doo-da-doo, ba-dit-da-doo-da-dun, Give me the beat, boys, and free my little-ole-soul, I wa--" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I was thinkin' about more like a CD, or... a CD." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Your call, dude. My girlfriend made an awesome mix. Beer me that disc." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Lord, beer me strength." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "So, Tuna. When we get in there, let's do a really good job, okay?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Did that really need to be said?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well not everything a guy says needs to be said. Sometimes it's just about the music of the conversation." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Whoa! What the--- Why is my girlfriend here?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, is she that teacher in the white?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No, she's a part-time frozen yogurt chef." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Which one... is she?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "The one in the green hoodie." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I wonder if she's, like, a... a guidance counselor, or something?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, I don't think so." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "She's like, probably a tutor." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nope." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "She probably a t--" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Sh---" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK, press conference in 45. Dwight, make sure this place looks nice." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "On it. OK, Karen, Ryan, Pam, center stage. Pam, run a comb through your hair." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "First rule in road-side beet sales: Put the most attractive beets on top. The ones that make you pull the car over and go, \"Wow, I need this beet right now.\" Those are the money beets." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[Chad Lite walks in the door] [to Office workers] Hey! [snaps twice] Look sharp! [to Chad Lite] Hey! Uh, Hi. Hello, Dwight Schrute." }, { "character": "Chad Lite", "line": "Hi, uh---" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And you must be uh, from the Washington Post." }, { "character": "Chad Lite", "line": "Scranton Times. Chad Lite, \"Lighter Side of Life.\"" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And \"Breaking Corporate News.\"" }, { "character": "Chad Lite", "line": "And obits." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, dear God. OK, here are your credentials. You've been granted level three security clearance." }, { "character": "Chad Lite", "line": "Oh..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Don't get too excited, that's out of 20. Right this way. Regional Manager Michael Scott will be addressing the client in the press room shortly. Have a seat, can I get you a beverage?" }, { "character": "Chad Lite", "line": "Uh, yeah, I'd like uh, uh---" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[shuts door on him] Great." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, Andy. You know what? We don't have a lot of time, so we should probably..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Jamie!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Andy--- Ohh..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What are you doing here?" }, { "character": "Jamie", "line": "Andy?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Are you a student here?" }, { "character": "Jamie", "line": "Oh... yeah..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You never told me you were in high-school!" }, { "character": "Jamie", "line": "This is weird. I... gotta go to Spanish." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "OH MY GOD!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh my God." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I had no idea." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well... that's not gonna hold up in court." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Huh... We didn't do anything illegal. Except knock over a mailbox with her friends." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[on phone] Sir, yes, you have a valid point. I'm sorry. No, I am so sorry." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[on phone] Really, Dixon City? ...Carbondale." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[on phone] Excuse me? Well, I don't see how that's our fault. And I've already told you, the official position of Dunder Mifflin is apologetic, so I don't know what you want from me. [hangs up]" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "OK, first, I just wanna say that you are doing sooo good. Look, you have so many good qualities, that the one that you might wanna work on is, apologizing?" } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "When I went over Wednesday, for the spot-check, I got a call from Debbie Brown, saying she has an emergency dentist appointment." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Emergency dentist appointment." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Now I'm told she told her manager she had the flu. I'm a trusting guy, but uh, I just wish Debbie Brown had been there. We would have caught this." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes, I'll be sure someone returns your call. I'm so sorry. Bye." }, { "character": "Barbara", "line": "Hello, I'm looking for Michael Scott." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mrs. Allen is our most important client... because every client is our most important client. Even though she's a pretty unimportant client, really." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "And so, with the eyes of the nation upon us, I would like to say that Dunder Mifflin truly regrets this unfortunate incident. And, as a gesture of gratitude, for your continued loyalty, Mrs. Allen, I would like to present you with this novelty check, for six months of free paper or 25 reams, whichever comes first." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[snaps picture with his camera phone] You look good in this." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So, let us consider this matter ended." }, { "character": "Barbara", "line": "Well it isn't ended. I'm... I'm very angry. I--- I could have lost business." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know, I know you're angry. And we are truly, truly sorry." }, { "character": "Barbara", "line": "I don't accept your apology. The watermark was obscene and horrifying." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, we are extremely sorry." }, { "character": "Barbara", "line": "I don't accept." } ], [ { "character": "School Official", "line": "I'll be with you in a moment." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Who was that guy she was talking to? At her locker." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Not important. Because you're not dating her. Because it's a felony." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "But who was that guy?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Probably another high-school student." } ], [ { "character": "School Official", "line": "The issue with the watermark is very serious." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Absolutely." }, { "character": "School Official", "line": "We teach our students that character counts." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And you should." }, { "character": "School Official", "line": "But---" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[scoffs] Pfft. You don't teach it well enough. One of your students is a bitch." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Andy... is having a real rough day today." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I want to take out an ad, in your yearbook. A full page, two words---" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "\"Good luck.\"" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That's not what I had in mind." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Ask where he's from." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[on phone] Where are you from? Ohio? That's nice. So what do you want? [to Kelly] He's upset about the watermark." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "OK, great. Now tell him that it was an unfortunate error, and we're doing everything we can do to fix it, and that you're sorry." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[on phone] It was an unfortunate error. We're fixing it. And you already got your money back..." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "And you're sorry." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "...and the company has already apologized, so you can take that apology or not. [hangs up] [to Kelly] I think he had Tourette's or something!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "We... are going to do everything humanly possible, to ensure that this never happens again." }, { "character": "Barbara", "line": "Well, it--- it doesn't help, because it already happened to me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "The watermark... it's a one time thing." }, { "character": "Barbara", "line": "I don't care! It was disgusting. Cartoon characters having sex?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "May I point out that the sex appeared to be consensual? Both animals were smiling." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK..." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doin' a goat, couple of pigs watching. Whoever drew this got it exactly right." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "What... can I do, for you?" }, { "character": "Barbara", "line": "I, for starters, I think that you should resign." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well... [exhales] OK, well... Um, wasn't really my fault. The guys at the papermill---" }, { "character": "Barbara", "line": "You're the head---" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "The guys at the papermill--- No no no!" }, { "character": "Barbara", "line": "You're the head of the company!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm the head of the company?!" }, { "character": "Barbara", "line": "Yes, and that makes it your responsibility---" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I'm a regional manager---" }, { "character": "Barbara", "line": "And so you should lose your job!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No--- my--- OK, this is insane. You can get out of here. Get out!" }, { "character": "Barbara", "line": "Fine." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's insane. We'll give this to somebody who will appreciate it." }, { "character": "Barbara", "line": "Mm-hmm." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's non-transferable..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Doesn't matter. Out please!" }, { "character": "Barbara", "line": "I'm calling the Better Business Bureau." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, well I'm calling the Ungrateful Bi-atch Hotline! [to Chad Lite] Did you get all that?" }, { "character": "Chad Lite", "line": "Everything." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "We gotta do something. [exhales] This is spinning out of control, Pam. This is just, not..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's just the Scranton Times..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, then Newsweek picks it up. And then CNN does a story about it. Then... YouTube gets a hold of it..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You know what? I really think the whole thing is just gonna blow over in like a week or two." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're right. It will blow over. But it's not... going to take... a week or two. [pulls out a video camcorder from his desk] Do you know what this is for?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael likes me to run the camera when he makes his apology videos. He says he needs a woman's touch." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Dwight is spraying far too much hairspray into Michael's hair] OK, I think that's good." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "\"Hello. I am Michael Scott, Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton. By now you are probably sick of hearing about Dunder Mifflin and our embarrassing watermark boner. Let me tell you something. Something from the heart. I am not leaving this office. It will take a SWAT team, to remove me from this office, and maybe not even that.\"" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Uh, you could never withstand a SWAT team." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's how devoted I am to this job." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm just saying..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "They would flank you. Throw in a concussion grenade." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I understand that, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You would be on the ground, blind, deaf, dumb." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do you think you're taking it a little... literally, Dwight? And now we're wasting tape. I'm gonna have to cut this all out. Can you say cut?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Cut." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So I'll know where---" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Cut." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm asking Pam to do it, please." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Cut." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK, ready?" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Kevin, what's four plus seven?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[thinks] Eleven." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yeah, well you didn't know that when you filled out this payroll form." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah, well at least I didn't suck at customer relations. Oooh, yes. Facial." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[laughs] Yes. [air high five]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "You two are apes." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I expect you to apologize for that, Angela." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I'm sorry... that you're both morons." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh, but you still said \"I'm sorry.\"" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I called you morons." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Still said it." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Still said it, so... [Kevin and Oscar screw up an air high five]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Five, four, three. \"There is no way, I will resign. It wouldn't be fair. Not to the good workers I work with, not to my clients, and especially not to me. Let's not forget who this whole resigning business is about, anyway. If I could leave you with one thought, remember... it wasn't me. They're trying to make me an escape goat. If I am fired, I swear to God, that every single piece of copier paper in this town is going to have the F-word on it. The F-word. You have one day.\"" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "One day for what?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's... they always give an ultimatum." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "OK." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good, cut?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Cut. That was your best apology video ever." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thought so too." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "[to Dwight] Got a farewell card for Debbie Brown. I thought maybe you'd like to sign it. Maybe throw a couple of bucks in there for her. She's got some children." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "I feel terrible about Debbie Brown. She got fired because of Dwight. So I thought I'd pass around a goodbye card, maybe everyone could put in a couple of bucks to help her through these difficult times. Why do bad things always happen to the good people? It's tragic. Just tragic." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "You want music?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I don't care." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Come on man, just give it a couple days. I think you'll be all right." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[singing the intro to The Lion King's \"The Lion Sleeps Tonight\"] A-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You know what--- I don't---" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "A-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[Joins in with classic Andy falsetto] Oooo-oo-oooo-ooo-oo-oooo-oo-ooo-ooo a-wi-imbube!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "A-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oooo-oo-oooo-ooo-oo-oooo-oo-ooo-ooo a-wi-imbube!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "A-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Sweet." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[walks in dressed as Jim] Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, Dwight. You look really nice today." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[scoffs] Pssssh. I look like an idiot. Hey Karen." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Hey, Dwight, lookin' sharp." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, that's cause I'm... you're boyfriend, Jim Halpert. Hey, Karen, wanna get t-together later and have sexual intercourse cause you're my girlfriend?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Do you?" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "OK." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "I'm good. Thanks." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Dwight imitates the \"Jim face\"] Look at that." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm Jim Halpert. [more horrible \"Jim faces\"]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Spot on." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ah-luh-luh, a little comment. Muh." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh my God, I am so sorry, that is so messed up. Everyone here is so upset, you have no idea. And rest assured your voice has been heard. Okay, I'll be thinking about you all day. Customer service, this is Kelly. Oh my God, I am so sorry, that is so messed up. Everyone here is so upset, you have no idea. And rest assured your voice has been heard. Okay, I'll be thinking about you all day." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Customer service, this is Kelly. Oh my God, I am so sorry, that is so messed up. Everyone here is so upset, you have no idea. I'll be thinking about you all day. Customer service, this is Kelly. Oh my God, I am so sorry, that is so messed up. Everyone here is so upset, you have no idea. I'll be thinking about you all day. Customer service, this is Kelly. Oh my God, I am so sorry, that is so messed up. Everyone here is so upset, you have no idea. I'll be thinking about you all day." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "The key to a crisis is dealing with it right away. Like that aspirin company that sent out the poisoned aspirin in the regular aspirin bottles. If you don't act fast, you will lose customers." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hello, CNN? I need to speak to your Scranton-area bureau chief? All right, then the bureau chief for the Greater Wilkes-Barre area? How about, ah, Lackawanna County. Okay, Northeastern Pennsylvania then. This is extremely urgent! No... you put your supervisor on the phone!" } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Customer service isn't like accounting. It's not just typing numbers into a calculator and then it tells you an answer." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "We do a lot more than that." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Okay, or hand out checks, or whatever it is you do. Look, I know the reason that you guys became accountants is because you think that people don't like you. But guess what, from now on you guys are not losers! So give yourselves a round of applause." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I wonder how many phone calls you're missing while you're teaching us to answer phone calls." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "The annex rocks. All you need to do is make sure that you make a connection with the customer. They just wanna know that you're sorry. Do that and you'll be fine. Make sense?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Mm-hm." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Okay, role-playing time!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Alright, I think I'm trained." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Ooh, can I be a pirate?" } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "[hums]" }, { "character": "Chad Lite", "line": "Hello." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Hey!" }, { "character": "Chad Lite", "line": "Excuse me. You're Creed Bratton, guitar player for Grass Roots in the late 1960s." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "I am indeed. How'd you know that?" }, { "character": "Chad Lite", "line": "I wrote your obituary." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Oh, oh that's right! Good work. Thank you very much, sir [shakes hand]." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "About 10 years ago, for tax reasons, I faked my own death. I've been collecting benefits as my own widow ever since." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, my God!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, my God! Wow." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I had no idea." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Then you did nothing wrong. We should go." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "How could I not have realized?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "She looks older." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, she does, doesn't she?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "She acts older, too. She knows everything about European history, and photosynthesis, and she made me this lanyard with, like, a Fimo clay thing. She's a real Renaissance woman." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Or a high school girl. Let's go [mouths 'wow' to the camera]." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Chicken pot pie." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What's that?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That's what I was eating, in the parking lot of a 7-Eleven for dinner. And I got out of the car to shake the crumbs off my shirt, and this smoking hot woman comes up and we strike up a conversation." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh. You don't have to tell me this." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "She lets me buy her and her friends some wine coolers for a dinner party she's going to." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You shouldn't be talking about that." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I threw in some scratch tickets, 'cause generous guy, and next thing you know we're making out in the woods." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hypothetically. Hypothetically you were making out in the woods." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No, we were really making out in the woods." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, can't help you now." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I gotta go talk to her." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No. D-" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "With dissatisfied clients, it doesn't matter what you did. All they wanna hear is that you're sorry. They're like women that way. And this client is a woman. So when I say I'm sorry, it will be twice as effective." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "So we're good?" }, { "character": "Barbara Allen", "line": "No, we're not." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm sorry." }, { "character": "Barbara Allen", "line": "Well, okay. But I don't accept." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[whispering] Say you're sorry times infinity..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "...'cause there's no comeback for that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right. We are infinitely sorry." }, { "character": "Barbara Allen", "line": "I'm still furious." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You understand? You... you get this check." }, { "character": "Barbara Allen", "line": "Mmm." } ], [ { "character": "Spanish Teacher", "line": "Can I help you?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah. I'm Mr. Bernard Johnson, MD. I'd like to talk with Jamie about a certain heart condition. Diagnosis: broken." }, { "character": "Jamie", "line": "Get out of here, Andy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Who's this guy?" }, { "character": "Jamie", "line": "My boyfriend." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You're such a liar." }, { "character": "Spanish Teacher", "line": "Sir? You need to get out of here, before I call the police, okay?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, maybe you should call the police. See whose side they take. Warning, most cops are dudes." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dr. Johnson, we need you in surgery right away." }, { "character": "Spanish Teacher", "line": "What?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I don't believe in apologies. When someone in the yakuza makes a mistake, they cut off a portion of their own pinky finger. And in that way, save face. And knowing the Japanese, they probably get an even better prosthetic finger. With a knife you can take out of it, or a screwdriver or a corkscrew." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Why am I getting all of the bad ones?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Why can't you just say you're sorry and make them feel better?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I'm not gonna lie and say I'm sorry when the company didn't do anything wrong. That's immoral, and this is ridiculous." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Would you, please? Please." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Well, you have to do what I say, okay? Because Michael put me in charge, even though you're old enough to be my mother." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "What? Well what you say is stupid, and your job is pointless. And you're a slut and everyone thinks so." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Well, you're fired, okay? Go back to accounting, Angela." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Gladly. I quit." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "If cartoon characters didn't have sex, then how would we get new cartoon characters? From the sex! [giggles]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "The customer is always right. Mrs. Allen was our customer. She was wrong. Is that a contradiction? No. Because she's not our customer anymore." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael likes me to run the camera when he makes his apology videos. My favorite is the one for his mother." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, Mom. Happy birthday, belatedly. Sorry I forgot. I had put it on my calendar and Pam threw that out." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "My personal favorite is the one he made for his condo association." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "And without denying the seriousness of the situation, I would just like to remind you that in much of the Netherlands, swimming naked is the norm. So in Norway, you'd be the weirdos." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, Andy, we need to go. Seriously." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Dude, there she is. Don't look, don't look. She's sitting with Denise. How am I supposed to do this? Denise hates me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Don't do it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What is your problem, man? Can't you support a bro? That's why you don't have any friends, Tuna. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I just, I need..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's okay." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "...your help. I love her." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah. I lo- I love her. Is this what love is? This, like, horrible feeling in my stomach?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, that's your conscience. Listen to it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Look, okay, just be my wingman. Beer me five minutes. Talk to Denise. She's really into White Russians and whippets." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Jamie, can I talk to you for a second?" }, { "character": "Jamie", "line": "Yeah. I only have a minute." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[sits down next to Denise] So, high school." }, { "character": "Denise", "line": "Do you have a cigarette?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, I don't smoke. Sorry." }, { "character": "Denise", "line": "There's nothing to do in this town." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You should take up a musical instrument." }, { "character": "Denise", "line": "Yeah, I should take up that. Jamie?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, uh, does Mr. Nortman still teach here? He's a jerk, right?" }, { "character": "Denise", "line": "He's dead. Hey, do you have any weed?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, nope. What else? What else? You watch The Hills? What is Heidi thinking?" }, { "character": "Denise", "line": "How old are you?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "How old do you think I am?" }, { "character": "Denise", "line": "Forty?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[shakes head]" }, { "character": "Denise", "line": "Are you someone's dad here?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Not that I know of." }, { "character": "Denise", "line": "Ew. What kind of car do you have?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I drive a Saab station wagon." }, { "character": "Denise", "line": "My dad just gave me his old Lexus." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Really? Way to earn it. Hey, Andy?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yup." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Very well [hangs up phone]. I just got a call from Debbie Brown over at the mill. She claims innocence and is willing to come over here and defend herself." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "No time. Dwight, I love Debbie Brown. She's a close personal friend. But quality is my life. This company has a reputation to uphold. As much as it pains me, someone has to be held accountable." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You're right. Mercy is for girl-babies. Time to put this dog down." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Are we ready?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Final touch-ups." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. Am I shiny?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. We good? Okay, that's enough Aqua Net." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I don't know..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[clears throat] Stop it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[coughs]" } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Hey, Angela. I'm sorry that I said you were old enough to be my mother. I don't know why I said that. I think I might be hypoglycemic or something, but still, it's no excuse. So, I'm very sorry." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oh. Thank you, Kelly [long pause]. And I wish I hadn't called you stupid." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Do you think I'm a slut?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No, but some of your outfits are not appr-" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Apology accepted! [hugs Angela]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I didn't apologize." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "We're like best friends now!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "We're not." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I'll text you!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Don't!" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Bye, Angela!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Fine." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "That is all I was looking for today. She got something out of my training session. I mean, she will never work in customer relations. Oh, my God, no. Never. But maybe she'll be less of a grump." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Kelly's not so bad. She really taught me something today [rolls eyes]." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I have literally apologized an infinite number of times on this, and there are still calls for me to resign. Calls from an annoying woman, and possibly even the media alike. Well let me tell you something, something from the heart. I will not resign. I need this job. My mortgage is hundreds of dollars a month. With this job, I can barely cover that. I have a company car, but I still have to pay for gas, and gas prices are high. And I have no savings whatsoever. And it wasn't even me. It's so not fair that they want me to resign." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "...to the fullest extent of the law [hangs up phone]. Listen up, everyone! I just got off the phone with the mill. Final responsibility for Watermark-gate has been assigned. Floor manager Debbie Brown has officially been terminated. Lets give a big hand to Creed Bratton, without whose earnest and diligent sleuthing this scandal might never have been resolved [claps]." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Just doing my job, guys." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[to Pam] Hey." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Dwight hands Jim a piece of paper] Oh, what's this?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That is a demerit." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[reads demerit] \"Jim Halpert, tardiness.\" Ugh. I love it already." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You've gotta learn, Jim. You are second in command, but that does not put you above the law." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, I understand. And I also have lots of questions, like, what does a demerit mean?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[scoffs] Let's put it this way. You do not want to receive three of those." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Lay it on me." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Three demerits and you'll receive a citation." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Now that sounds serious." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, it is serious. Five citations and you're looking at a violation. Four of those and you'll receive a verbal warning. Keep it up, and you're looking at a written warning. Two of those, that'll land you in a world of hurt... in the form of a disciplinary review written up by me and placed on the desk of my immediate superior." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Which would be me." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That is correct." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "OK, I want a copy on my desk by the end of the day or you will receive a full disadulation." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What's a dis... what's that?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, you don't want to know." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[door opens] Hey, Phyllis. You all right?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I think I just got flashed." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What? Really?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "In the parking lot." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, my God." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[jumps out of his chair and runs for the door] Move!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "OK, I'll call the real police." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What happened? What can I do to help?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[on the phone] OK." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'll check the web." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[on the phone] Thank you. [hangs up the phone] The police are on it. They say they've already had three calls." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[to Phyllis] Can you tell us what happened?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Um... I was walking to the building and this man asked me for directions. And he was holding a map. And when I walked over, he had it out... on the map." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Phyllis. You're a married woman." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "The guy was just hanging brain. I mean, what's all the fuss?" } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "If that's flashing, then lock me up." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[whispering] It's just, like, so creepy." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[whispering] Yeah. [Pam and Ryan whispering]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What's happening?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, some guy exposed himself to Phyllis in the parking lot." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really? Is she OK?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, Bob Vance took her for a walk to calm down." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK. [deep breath] Phyllis, you say? [snorts] Hmm. [suppressed laugher]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "What is so funny?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um... I mean did he even see Pam? Or, uh... Karen from behind?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I'm guessing not." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[laughing softly] I'm sorry. It's pretty funny when you think about it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mm... not really, no." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's disgusting and demeaning." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, OK. Masters of comedy. A guy dropped his pants. Have you ever been to the circus? [everyone glares] OK. [Michael puts his finger through his pant's zipper] He's back! [laughs] OK. Hmm. [babbling with his coat pulled closed] Waagh! [flashes everyone]" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Hey, what's going on? There's a police car in the..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What? Oh. [makes descending scale noise as his finger goes down]" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "What's going on?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, Phyllis got flashed. It's, uh... [laughs]" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I don't think laughing about it is an appropriate response." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, come on. We are laughing at Phyllis, but she's not even here, so no harm, no foul." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I don't think the women in this office -" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Incidentally, where were you during all of this? Maybe you're the flasher." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I was at a parent-teacher conference." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh-huh. Prove it. Let's see your penis. [everyone is shocked] [exhales]I... you know, as that was coming out of my mouth, I knew that it was wrong." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "In all the excitement, I forgot that my primary goal is to keep people safe. Women can't have fun if they don't feel safe. For example, Jan and I have a safe word in case things go too far. Foliage. And if one of us says that word, the other one has to stop. Although last time... she pretended she didn't hear me." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "[on speakerphone] Michael, ..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Huh?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "...come over after work tonight, OK? I miss your body." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't know. I feel... I drive a lot. I'm spending a fortune on gas and tolls -" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I'll give you $200. And if I get up before you, I'll leave it on the dresser." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um, that... I don't know. That makes me kind of uncomfortable." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "$300?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I... uh, well, I don't know." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "You know whatever. Just let my assistant know if you're coming over so he can get more vodka, OK? Hunter, are you on?" }, { "character": "Hunter", "line": "[on speakerphone] You got it, Jan." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Employees of this office are very small and delicate. Deserve protection from local pervs. Better 1,000 innocent men are locked up than one guilty man roam free." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[exhales] I am sick over this thing. Those people out there are clearly afraid. And that can't happen. Not in my house." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Agreed. Let me show you what I've been working on." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[lays a folder full of pictures on Michael's desk] There are several penises there I'd love Phyllis to run her eyes over. You know, see if we can catch this pervert." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "This is the last thing that Phyllis needs to see right now, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Look at that one." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight, are those your pants? That's a Polaroid. [Dwight takes the Polaroid and crumples it in his hand]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Attention, everybody. Dwight has something he would like to say." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Due to a recent incident involving Phyllis, a man, a map, and his penis - I think you know what I'm referring to - Michael has authorized me to form an emergency anti-flashing task force." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[raises hand] Question. Won't that interfere with your other task forces?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Answer: No, because this is being given priority one. This is a petition for the business park to upgrade their security cameras as well as install two floodlights in the parking lot. And I know... I know what you're thinking. [Pam nods] Won't that just shed more light on the penises? But that is a risk we have to take. Pam. You can draw, kind of. Why don't you work with Phallus on drawing a picture of the exposer that I can post around the community?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Phallus?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Phyllis, sorry. I've got penises on the brain. Back to work, everybody." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't often miss Roy. But I can tell you one thing. I wish someone had flashed me when I was with Roy. Because that would have been the ass-kicking of the year. [small laugh] Especially if it had been Jim. He would not have wanted me to have seen Jim's... Whoo, I am... I am saying a lot of things." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I didn't really get a good look." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That's OK. I don't feel like answering phones." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Hey, did you guys see this memo that Dwight sent out? [reads memo] \"Women will be sent home if they wear makeup or heels exceeding 1/4 inch. Females are not allowed to speak to strangers unless given written authorization by Dwight Schrute.\" This is ridiculous." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Attention. I am removing all bananas from the kitchen." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Dwight, this memo that you distributed is insulting." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Desperate times call for desperate measures." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[reads memo] \"Sleeves down to the wrists, buttoned-up collars, and muted colors.\" Nobody dress like that. [camera pans over to Angela]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK, you know something, Dwight? We are not the terrorists. Why don't you just take these women, put 'em in a burlap sack, and hit 'em with a stick? Because that's what you're doing. I celebrate these women. They deserve the right to dress as they please. If Pam wants to show more cleavage, she should be able to. I encourage that." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Look, it's really simple. We just want you guys to treat us with respect." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "See? That's what we're talking about. Did you hear that, Dwight?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes. Did you hear that, Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, Dwight. Respect. R-E-S-P-svee-T. Find out what it means to me. All right, you know what? That's it. Conference room, five minutes. Women's appreciation." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wait a second, how are you qualified for that?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, I don't know, James. Did I come from a woman? Have I slept with a woman? More than one?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[eating banana] Mm, less than three." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That is not current." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You know what? Why doesn't Oscar run the meeting? He's a homosexual." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Why don't you run the meeting? You play with dolls." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Those are collectible action figures and they're worth more than your car." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what? I am the expert. I will conduct it. I know the crap out of women." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I, um... would like to apologize for all of the men who thought this was a laughing matter." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Are we still discussing this? I say again, what is the big deal?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nobody likes to be flashed. When Meredith flashed me at that Christmas party, I nearly vomited." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I don't remember doing that." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "What a surprise." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK, no catfights. Please. Let's - my point is... my point is... a penis, when seen in the right context, is the most wonderful sight for a woman. But in the wrong context, it is like a monster movie." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Alien. Blagh!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What are...? Shut it. Shut. Up. OK, so what I want to engage us in today is a hardcore discussion about women's problems and issues and situations. Magazines and TV shows and movies portray women as skinny, tall goddesses. Well, look around. Are women like that? No. No, they are not. [points to Pam] Even the hot ones aren't really that skinny. So what does that say? That says that you women are up against it. And it is criminal. Society doesn't care. Society sucks. I don't even consider myself a part of society. FYI. Because I am so angry over all of this." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "If it were up to me, you ladies would be the fashion models." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yes, Andy. Then the fashion models could come here and work with me." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "What you're saying is extremely misogynistic." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes. Thank you. That was not necessary, but I appreciated it. And I proves my point. Women can do anything." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "I'm saying that you're being sexist." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. I'm being misogynistic. That is insane. I am not being sexist." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "That - it's the same thing." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "When I got my hair cut short, you asked me if I was a lesbian." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Because wha... that was one possible explanation as to why you got that haircut." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "And when we get mad, you always ask us if we're on our periods." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I have to know whether you're serious or not." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I wish I could menstruate." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "If I could menstruate, I wouldn't have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I'd just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus, I'd be more in tune with the moon and the tides." } ], [ { "character": "Karen", "line": "Can we just get back to work?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ye - OK, yes." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "This is not work talk." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're right. You're right, you're right. And you know why? It's because of where we are. This is a masculine environment. We need to find a place where you feel comfortable. You know where we're gonna go? The Steamtown Mall. [Kelly gasps]" } ], [ { "character": "Karen", "line": "Frankly, it's kind of insulting. But I have a bunch of stuff I need to return in my car. So... I could do that." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Malls are just awful and humiliating. They're just store after store of these horrible salespeople making a big fuss out of an adult shopping in a junior's section. There are petite adults who are sort of... smaller who need to wear... maybe a kids' size 10." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK, let's go, ladies of Dunder-Mifflin. Hey, we should have a calendar printed up. Pam, put that in my good idea folder. [Pam nods] Let's go!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Have you finished with the sketch?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hmm, doesn't seem like the type." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Uh, Phyllis got a good look." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hmm." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[Pam's sketch looks like Dwight with a mustache, but without his glasses] I plan on plastering this pervert's face everywhere. You can run, but you cannot hide." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[tires screeching] Oh." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Meredith, slow down! We're not gonna get there any faster if we're dead." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Thanks. I know how to drive. [dumps the crumbs from a bag of chips she was eating into her mouth and throws it out the window]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, yeah. You really shouldn't litter." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "My car, my rules." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hey, Jim. You wanna go in the women's bathroom?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No. Thank you, though." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "You aren't curious?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Not really. I've seen a bathroom before." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah, but... it's every guy's fantasy." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I think you mean a girl's locker room. And in the fantasy, there's usually girls in it." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[quietly] Yeah. I'm going in." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Go crazy." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[in women's bathroom] Oh... my... God." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I really appreciate your letting me work alongside you so closely today." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Of course you do, moon face. That's because you're a preppy freak, you're the office pariah, and nobody likes you. So start hanging these all around the building." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "This guy looks like a real deviant." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, duh. That's why we gotta catch him. Start hanging those." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Aye, aye, Cap'n." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "More like, \"Aye, aye, General.\"" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Meredith parking the car] I don't think she's gonna make it. Don't think she's gonna make it - [metal scraping]" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "It's a little too tight. I'm gonna find another spot." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Many women are competent drivers. [scraping] OK. Come on." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[marks Scranton with a red pushpin on a map of Pennsylvania and exhales] This is what we know." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[in women's bathroom] Well, I stand corrected. This is pretty cool." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Hey, uh... where'd you decide to take Karen tonight?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Anna Maria's." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "What's the occasion?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Six-month anniversary. What?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Nothing - I think, uh, we all kinda thought you guys were just, like, hooking up." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, we've been dating for six months." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Uh, she might mention an email that I wrote a while back, um -" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, right. I remember that one. She read it to me. She said she's not really ready to date somebody in the office, but she really likes you as a friend." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I figured. It's cool. I don't - I wouldn't want to be in an office relationship anyway." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right. Hope nobody's on a diet." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Thanks, Michael." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Thank you, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're welcome. You're welcome, you're welcome. OK. So, let's dish." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What do you want to dish about?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Anything you guys want. This is your time. [everyone is silent or continues to eat, Michael exhales] Mm. What is a Pap smear? Or is it \"shmear?\" Like the cream cheese." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "OK. New topic. Kelly, how are things with Ryan?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Awesome. Um, awful, I mean. But, uh, sometimes awesome." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What, um... what do you think of role-play?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh, it can be fun." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah? Well, Jan has this schoolgirl fantasy." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "It's a pretty common one." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I just... I feel uncomfortable wearing the dress." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "OK. I'm gonna be at the doll store." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Sometimes, the clothes at GapKids are just too flashy. So I'm forced to go to the American Girl store and order clothes for large colonial dolls." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael, you shouldn't do anything that you're uncomfortable with." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jan says anything that doesn't scare us is not worth doing. I don't know. Maybe we're different people. I like cuddling and spooning and she likes videotaping us during sex." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, my God." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[groans] And then watching it back right afterward to improve my form." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "That is not healthy behavior." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, it's not that bad. The worst part is that she shows it to her therapist and they discuss it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael, you need to get out of this." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, she's... she's fooling around. It's a woman thing." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, normal women don't do stuff like that. This is bad. [Karen nods and Michael looks like he's about to start crying]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No... No, it's all right. I'm OK. I'm OK. [sniffing] You guys... what are we gonna do about Jan? [sighs]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Read the pros first." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK. Jan is smart. Uh, successful. Good clothes. Hot. Perfect skin. Nice butt." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "She does have very nice clothes." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "OK, OK. Um, cons." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Cons. Wears too much makeup. Breasts: not anything to write home about. Insecure about body. I'm unhappy when I'm with her. Flat-chested." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What was the last one?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "She's totally flat. Shrunken chesticles." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "No, the one before that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm unhappy when I'm with her." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael... you shouldn't be with someone who doesn't make you happy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm happy sometimes. Um... when we scrapbook or right towards the end of having sex." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Look, most relationships have their rough patches. You just have to push through it sometimes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, that's smart." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Maybe. But it sounds like you're just wrong for each other." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That sounds good too. I don't know who's right. I just don't - I don't know. I don't know." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I bet you know. Don't think, just answer. What do you want to do about Jan?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I wanna break up with Jan. Wow. I wanna break up with Jan." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "My mom taught me that." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wow, I cannot believe this yogurt has no calories." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No one said it has no calories." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, hey, guys. I want to do something nice for you, because you did something so nice for me earlier. I want you to go in there. I want you to buy one item on me as a thank-you. [Kelly sprints inside Victoria's Secret] Come on. Get in here." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Let's face it, most guys are from the Dark Ages. They're caveman. And they like a woman to be showing her cleavage and to be wearing 8-inch heels, and to be wearing, um, see-through underpants. But... for me, a woman looks best when she is just absolutely naked." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[in women's bathroom] This is so great, huh? We should do this much more often." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I-I think we hang out an appropriate amount of time." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "What are you doing in here? This is the women's room." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "You're in here." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "I pay for that privilege. [goes into stall]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[all get up to leave] OK." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "[wearing headphones and speaking loudly] I'm a pretty normal guy. I do one weird thing. I like to go in the women's room for number two. I've been caught several times and I have paid dearly." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mm. You don't want anything? My treat. Some panties or... pick a thong or... G-string. T-back. Get a nice bra. Padded bra. See-through, push-up, lace? Thigh-high? Bustier? Any - it just - you know what, I would love to buy you a fresh set of underwear." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Phyllis. What do you think? Too much?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Jim's gonna love it. [Karen giggles]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm kind of in-between boyfriends right now. So I don't need anything sexy. But I do need some new hand towels. I figure I can cut up this robe." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "[in the car] Slower. Slower. Meredith. [Michael's cell phone ringing My Humps] Slow it up." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh. Oh, no. [inhales sharply] It's Jan. What do I do?" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Answer it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Don't answer it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK, it stopped." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[bang] Whoa." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "[tires screeching] Crap." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[snickers at Pam's sketch] That is pretty cool." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Michael, you know how to, um -change a wheel, right?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh, yeah. Yep. Um... Could somebody grab me the lever, and I will..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Here, uh... Meredith? Why don't you put your hazards on." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, get your hazards on for safety. Let's see. [takes off his coat and tosses it aside] There we go! [Pam brings over the jack and lug wrench] Good. Yes, we have the... all right. [tries the use the jack to loosen the lug nuts]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I think I've got it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do you have a... a crescent? A crescent Allan?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't think we really need that, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh... you know what? I'm going to... you take care of that. I'm gonna do traffic... detail." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "You know, I changed a tire today. All by myself. This bathrobe's already coming in handy. [Meredith honking] Coming!" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Think we'll find him?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, I do. 'Cause justice never rests." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[pulls a candy bar from his coat pocket] Halvsies?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No. Wholesies. [snatches the candy bar]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Listen, man, I really appreciate you letting me shadow you today. I feel like I learned a lot." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Natch. [bites off a lot of candy bar]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yep. If you don't mind, I think I'll hang some of these posters around my neighborhood. Schools, post office, et cetera." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You know, I may have underestimated you. You're not a total ass. [coughs]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK, I am really going to do this." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Good luck, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what? I need my girls with me. Pam, Karen, even Phyllis. Come on. Let's do this. Let's do it. [sighs]" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "OK, remember, be strong." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I love you guys. Now I'm getting her voicemail." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Don't leave a -" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[leaving a message] Hey, Jan. It's me, Michael. I'm just calling to say that I think we need a little break, permanently. And, uh, I know everybody says this, but I-I wanna remain friends. Or at least business associates who get along. Oh, just so you know, it's not me, it's you. [Jan walks in] OK, buddy. Somebody just walked in. I have to go. Um, so I'll talk to you later." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Michael... [clears throat] I was, um... I was really unhappy with our conversation earlier. And I... I just - I couldn't stop thinking about it. So I decided that I would drive down here and apologize to you in person. So... [takes Michael's hand] I'm sorry." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "So... we're good?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Abso-fruit-ly." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "[cell phone vibrates] Oh. Hold on, I'm sorry." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No... No..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "One second. Oh! It's from you. Uh, you wanna grab some dinner?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "OK. [voice on phone] \"It's me, Michael. I'm just calling to say that I think we need a little break, permanently. And, uh, I know everybody says this, but I want...\"" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Maybe some Italian. [voice on phone] \"... to remain friends. Or at least business associates -\" [Jan takes the phone away from her ear] Chinese? [voice on phone] \"who get along. Oh, just so you know, it's not me, it's you. OK, buddy.\"" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Oh. [door closes]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[sighs] Any man who says he totally understands women is a fool. Because they are un-understandable. There's a wishing fountain at the mall. And I threw a coin in for every woman in the world and made a wish. I wished for Jan to get over me. I wished for Phyllis, a plasma TV. I wished for Pam to gain courage. I wished for Angela, a heart, and for Kelly, a brain. \"Michael, how can you appreciate women so much but also dump one of them?\" You mean, how can I be so illogical and flighty and unpredictable and emotional? Well, maybe I learned something from women after all." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[phone rings] Dunder-Mifflin paper/sex predator hotline, this is Dwight Schrute." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, Dwight. It's Jim." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jim, what are you doing? I'm busy." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, you're not. I'm looking right at you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ugh. I'm hanging up." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Don't. [quietly] I have information about the sex predator." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You have information about the sex predator?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I saw him two minutes ago." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Where?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "In the women's bathroom, above the sink." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[hangs up and runs to the women's bathroom] Anti-flashing task force! Above the sink. Above the sink. Hmm. [sees himself in the mirror with two black marks on the mirror making a mustache, removes his glasses and figures it out] PAM!" } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "So how are you liking the Wall Street Journal subscription?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Love it." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Are you reading it everyday, like we decided you would?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh, yes, I am." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Good, good, it's the best business reporting isn't it?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh, yeah, it's okay. Its just, I don't think the cartoons are very funny." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Wait, wait, what cartoons?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "The a cartoon that goes with each article. This one says Mel Karmazin? I don't, I don't know. I guess I get it." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "[Sigh]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We should really start recycling." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Right uh, Michael." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Hey, what's going on?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Phyllis got flashed in the parking lot." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[Screams]" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Okay, you need to stop that right now." }, { "character": "Bob", "line": "Phyllis, you okay? You sure?" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey good lookin', what ya got cookin'?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I got nothing cooking, it's cooked. It's borscht and its served cold." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey listen, I'm sure everyone's already told you but, your presentation out there, was pretty inspiring stuff. Must be nice being a woman around here, knowing they have a protector in you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "If you are trying to kiss my ass, I would not suggest it. Believe me, you do not want to kiss this ass." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Borscht, according to Dwight it's best served cold. You know what else is best served cold? Yeah, gazpacho. You see what I'm doing? I am establishing a mutual love of cold soups. This is the first step in my plan to win Dwight's trust." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I should make you my vichyssoise." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I will never be your vichyssoise." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Orgasms, why can women have them? Yep?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No. I'm not a lawyer, but I don't think this is the place to do this." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sometimes I imagine what it would be like to be a woman. I have a full-length mirror in my bathroom, and before I get dressed I will tuck myself between my legs just to see. And, um, it's uncomfortable. So maybe I do understand." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[sings] We're going to the mall. Bye Ryan, bye." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Lets go, fall out, let's go. Move, move, move, move, move." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I got shotgun. Damn it." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Let me be clear. There's only one thing that's important to me, and its not friendship. Its dominance, and I think I know a thing or two about dominating. Okay, I lived with a dominatrix for three years in Stamford. Mistress Lila. Taught me more than any college professor I ever had, while attending Cornell, which is where I went to school." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Look at that! Come on! Free underwear!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "It is totally inappropriate, but on the other hand..." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, Pam, how bout something like that for you. Could sort of cover up any imperfections in the mid section. Just show off the twins a little bit." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's pretty cool." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "You can make people believe anything. Today I made Dwight believe I like cold soups. Why? I don't know. I don't have to know. That's what makes me so dangerous." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Idiot." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I learned a lot about women today. And any man who says he totally understands women is a fool. Because they are un-understandable. Jan and I broke up. Why? Because she didn't like one message I left on her voicemail? But that is her peariagative. I thought I understood women, but maybe, can't believe I'm gonna say this, maybe, women don't understand themselves." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ughh... Blech." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "OK, where does it hurt?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just... all over. I don't want to do anything... I'm dying..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, that's not how it works. You have to point to a specific part of the body." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Right there. [Michael points to computer screen.]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[reading from screen] \"Abdomen. Menses.\"" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Maybe." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "\"The uterus contracts after your egg passes through it.\"" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Not it. I don't have eggs." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "About 40 times a year, Michael gets really sick, but has no symptoms. Dwight is always gravely concerned." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, is it possible you ate food that contained animal waste?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's possible." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh-huh?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "David Wallace is on line one." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "The CFO? Ohh..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK, everybody out. Out. Out. Out. OK." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "To what do I owe this great honor, David Wallace?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "[on phone] Michael, I am calling---" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And Gromit. [David sighs] Jan? Is Jan there?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Jan is out of town right now." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, you sigh like Jan. I broke Jan's heart, David, and it was awful. It was... It was never my intention to ruin a life. But you know what? Sometimes..." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "...you just gots to get your freak on." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hmmm." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "I am calling to see if you can come down and interview for a job we have opening in corporate." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Week from today. Bring your first quarter stats and your recommendation for who would take over the Scranton Branch." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wow. I wish I had prepared something to say." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "That's not necessary." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "May God guide you in your quest." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Yes." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK, everybody have their towels and swim suits? We have about an hour and half. I suggest that you all go potty now and then we will be congregating on the partay bus." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Oh I'm excited. Today is Beach Day! And Michael is taking the whole office to the beach. So I'm wearing my bathing suit underneath my shirt [lifts up shirt, definitely not wearing anything underneath] Oh, yeah... I packed it in my purse." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oscar, you brought your Speedo, I assume?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I don't wear a Speedo, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, you can't swim in leather pants. [laughs] I'm just yankin' your chain. Not literally." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Anybody need sun block? Got SPF 30." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, you know what? Uh, you're not going." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "It's Beach Day..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, I know. I'm sorry, Toby. We... um... Somebody has to stay here." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I want today to be a beautiful memory... that the staff and I share after I have passed on to New York. And if Toby is a part of it... then it'll suck." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Hey, want my sun screen?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, great. I forgot mine and I'm wearing a two piece." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Uh-huh." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thanks Toby." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey Pam, I have a very important job for you" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I thought we were just having fun at the beach." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We are. We are. But, I would like you to take notes. And I want you to find out about people's character. Not their hotness, per se, but their humor, and their charisma, and the indefinable quality that makes you all glad to follow me." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "What happens to a company if somebody takes their boss away? I will answer your question with a question. It's like what happens to a chicken when you take its head away. It dies. Unless you find a new head. I need to see which one of these people have the skills to be a chicken head." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "You want me to write down people's indefinable qualities?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I want you to write down everything that people are doing all day. And then type it up, in a way that is helpful. Alright?" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I have the most boring job in the office, so... why wouldn't I have the most boring job on beach day?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "This way to the partay bus." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That's all I've ever wanted." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[singing] [Angela mouthing the words next to him] And the night got deathly quiet, and his face lost all expression. Said, \"If you're gonna play the game, boy, ya gotta learn to play it right.\" [rest of office joins in at varying times] You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, Know when to walk away and know when to run. You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table. There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealin's done." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Everybody, may I have you attention please? Today, we are not just spending a day at the beach." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Oh, sweet mother of God." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "If you don't like it, Stanley, you can go to the back of the bus." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Excuse me?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Or the front of the bus. Or drive the bus. Just, we are all participating in mandatory fun activities. Funtivities! And there is a special secret prize for the winner!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes! Funtivities! I knew it wasn't just a trip to the beach." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, you know what? Your enthusiasm's turning people off." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I hope there will be management parables." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, [whispering] Hey Pam, did you get that down?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Like what?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Like everything I said and everything they did and... Just don't..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well... no, I don't... exactly... what?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well write it down before you forget it. That's... You've just been drawing pictures. [sighs] Rrrr. I can't stay mad at you." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Here we are ladies and gentlemen. Everybody ready? Last one down is a rotten egg. [Gets off bus] Watch out for snakes!" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Everyone put on sunscreen." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright, find a cozy spot. Everybody settle in. [everybody sits down on beach] OK, everybody up! Circle 'round. [motions for circle to form] Let us play some games. We are situated on the northeast corner of scenic Lake Scranton. America's eighth largest indigenous body of water. It is here that a group of Americans will undergo the ultimate challenge. One day, 14 strangers who work together, but only one survivor." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just words. Inspiring words. [under breath] Not a contender. [out loud] For the competitions, you will be divided into four tribes. Each tribe will have a leader that I will pick randomly off the top of my head without thinking. Jim, Dwight, Andy and Stanley." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Choose your tribes. Except for Pam. Not Pam." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jim Halpert. Pros: smart, cool, good-looking. Remind you of anybody you know? Cons: not a hard worker. I can spend all day on a project, and he will finish the same project in a half an hour. So that should tell you something." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I choose Michael!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm not playing." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "OK, temp." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight is an obvious candidate for my job. He has the best sales record in the office. He loves the work. He is, however, an idiot." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "We are going to choose team names. Dwight?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "We will be called Gryffindor." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Really? Not Slytherin?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Slytherin are the bad guys, Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I know. Okay, we will be Voldemort." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "He-who-must-not-be-named? I wouldn't do that." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[starts chanting] Vol-de-mort, Vol-de-mort ...[Kevin and Karen follow] Vol-de-mort! Vol-de-mort! Vol-de-mort!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "OK, seriously. You really shouldn't be saying that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, hey, hey. Ok, Ok... Stanley, your team name?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I don't care what you call my team." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Then I will name your team the Red team." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "No [crosses arms], the blue team." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am also considering Stanley because of all the good that black people have done. For America." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "We will be team U.S.A." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Very good. Pam, please take a note that Andy is patriotic." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Andy Bernard. Pros: He's classy. He gets me. He went to Cornell. I trust him. Cons: I don't really trust him." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "It is time for the great spoon and egg race. This one is with a little twist." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "There's already a twist, you're carrying an egg on a spoon." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Shh... The person carrying the egg will be blindfolded. Please put on your blindfolds. That person carrying the egg will go down, circle a torch, come back, deposit their egg in the pail. First team back is the winner. Alright. Ready? Set. Go! [contestants start walking]" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Come on Phyllis, you can do it. [Phyllis' egg falls off spoon] Ahh..." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Thank you so much. [Stanley sits down and pulls out his crossword puzzle]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Phyllis is out. Yes! [to Kelly] Follow my voice. Follow my voice. Yeah, keep it moving. Keep it moving. Right this way. Looking good. [Cheers]" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I don't want to hit the big rock!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Don't worry. You're not..." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I know I'm near the big rock. I just know it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No where near the big rock." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[takes off blindfold] I just don't want to get hit by it..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What're you doing? No! See, now we're disqualified." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I am okay if I lose every single contest today. Honestly. Because I see these contests as an opportunity for me to demonstrate what a good sport I am. Mallard! [throws a stone]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[to Karen] Woah, stop, stop, stop. There's a hole. Step over the hole." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Hole?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yup. [Karen takes a big step] Perfect, oooh, just made it. OK, turn left." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[to Ryan] Come on! Come on! Andale! Arriba! Arriba!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Can you just stop this right now, or I'm not gonna do this anymore." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What are you saying?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "You have to stop yelling at me or I'm not gonna do the egg race." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "OK, I apologize for yelling at you." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "That's what being a good captain is about. It's about listening to the members of your team." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I am trying to bring team spirit." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[to Karen] Woah, stop, another hole. Take a big step. [Karen steps into lake] Yes!" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "[lifts up blindfold] Oh my God! You ass! [chases Jim and throws egg at him] [both laugh]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "There's nothing better than a beautiful day at the beach, filled with sun, surf, and uh... diligent note-taking. [holds up notes]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[off screen] Pam...you're missing things. [shakes off hand and starts writing in notebook]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[at Ryan holding egg in spoon] Let's go! Let's go! Come on! Mush! Mush! Come on you bastard! [Ryan takes off blindfold and throws it to ground along with egg and spoon] What the? Damn it temp!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[begins to clap] Great job everyone, that was fantastic. [Michael sighs]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay Pam, I have another little project for you." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Does it have to do with these shopping bags filled with hot dogs?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Smart as a whip! Yes! [holds up hot dog packages] These are pre-cooked, so it's not absolutely necessary, but I would appreciate it if you could heat up 800 hot dogs for a little contest I'm going to be having. I would greatly appreciate it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "When's the contest?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Like umm...[looks at watch] ten minutes?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "How am I supposed to... get..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thanks a bunch." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "A good manager has got to be hungry. Hungry for success." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK, who's hungry [Kevin starts to put hot dog in mouth] No, no, no. Do not touch the food. Please. Not yet. That is our next event. A hot dog eating contest. [sighs at the table] For those of you who are curious, the world record is 54 and one half hot dogs. Wow! And you know what? I personally have cooked up enough so each and every one of you could break that record. So shoot for the stars, OK? Alright, the team that eats the most hot dogs in ten minutes will be declared the winner. On you mark. Get set." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Can I have a turkey burger?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I have the only one. I claimed it. Ready?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Turkey is a healthy meat." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's very good for you. [overlapping talk from all at table]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Guys, guys, guys. Come on! Pleeeeease... Let's just... OK, it's very important that you all try to eat as many hot dogs as you can. On your mark. Get set. Eat!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Is there any mustard?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No mustard, no mustard. Just eat it, eat it, Phyllis. Dip it in the water so it'll slide down your gullet more easily." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Come on, the winner gets a big, big prize." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "[eating hot dog] What is it?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I can't say." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You can't say, or you can't pronounce it?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "The winner gets a regional manager's salary for a year, and a Sebring, and the feeling that they are making a difference in the world." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Can we just take those first two things?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "The winner of today gets my job. Ok? I'm interviewing for a job at corporate. And they're only interviewing a handful of people and I'm the most qualified and I'll probably get it. Alright?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You're leaving?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I didn't want to tell anyway. I didn't want to cast a pall over our fun beach day. But you know what? I don't know who to recommend because frankly nobody is stepping up." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[slams fist onto table] I am so hungry! [starts eating hot dog real fast]" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Do you expect me to believe that you're truly making your recommendations on this basis?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[points at Stanley] Word. [Stanley starts eating hot dog] There we go. Let's see it." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I would rather work for an upturned broom with a bucket for a head than work for somebody else in this office besides myself. Game on!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Four. Three. Two. One. Stop your eating! And the winner is Andy Bernard, with 14 hot dogs!" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Team U.S.A.!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "One came up." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "13 hot dogs, everybody!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Damn it!" } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "[holding a fish with all the meat stripped off] Nobody told me we were going to have hot dogs!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Sabotage." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "What? What are you saying? Did you say sandwich?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No. I was saying that before. Not now. Now I am saying sabotage. The ancient Dutch art of screwing up your own team." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I knew you were saying sabotage. I was giving you an example of it. I will misunderstand everything that Andy says until he goes insane." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "If Michael organizes some kind of group hug, stand next to me." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's very simple. There are only three rules. You must not touch the ground. You must not step outside of the ring. And you must always wear the safety mittens." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Uh, we don't have any safety mittens" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Probably left them in the trunk of my car. It's alright. It's alright. Here we go." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Get 'em big boy!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Aaaaaand, go!" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "C'mon, Jim!" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[growly noises, Jim looks terrified]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nice, Stanley!" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[to Jim] Sorry about that. It's all about taking points away from Dwight." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah. No. Good." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, my God. I have never seen that look in a man's eyes... ever. I thought that I might die. On beach day." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "If either of these guys are put in charge of the office I will transfer to Albany. Gil can come if he wants. I'm kinda looking for a way out of that relationship anyway. I think I might try girls for a while. Angela thinks I can cross over. We'll see." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[Andy and Dwight sumo wrestle] Gaaaaa...." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "One. Two. Three." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yaaaaa! Yaaaaa!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Excellent!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Gryffindor! Gryffindor!" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I didn't win. But the only reason I didn't win is because I recently learned that it's better to work thing out with words." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's not why you lost." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah it is. I totally could have kicked your butt so bad." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, right." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, right, c'mon! C'mon! [Dwight and Andy wrestle]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[bouncing off of Andy] Aaaagh! Uggggh! How do you like that?" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[Trying to wet bandana, falls in water] Oh, God! Waaa! Guhh! Wuuuh! Help! Angela! Angela, hey! Oh, thank God! Please tell somebody!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "What, Andy? Andy, what should I tell them?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Go tell them I'm floating away, obviously!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I don't understand what you want from me." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Angela, it's pretty simple! Look at what I'm doing and go tell somebody about it!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Sorry! Bye, Andy!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Angela!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I knew that finding a successor would be difficult. I did not know that it would be impossible. Thus far the candidates have been wildly disappointing. Uh, Jim is not taking it seriously. Uh, Stanley is having a stroke. And Andy, where is he? Where the hell is Andy? Where is he, Pam? Do you know? Ah... who's ahead in points?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I think they're even. At various times you gave Jim ten points, Dwight a gold star, and Stanley a thumbs up. And I don't really know how to compare those units." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Check to see if there is a conversion chart in that notebook." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I really doubt it, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Please just check." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[on cell phone] Great. Yeah, I'll see you next week. Thank you, and here is Karen Filipelli. Bye." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Hello? Yeah, hi David. Yes, I would like to be considered for the corporate position in well." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "In well?" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "As well." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "How would that work in well? I just want to know." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Yes. uh, huh." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wait a minute." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "That would be fine." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "If this job is in a well, I don't want it." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "[whispering] Cut it out!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I don't!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "What does a great manager need most of all? Courage." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "How so? I mean... sure thing, that sounds smart... I can't do this anymore! I'm goin' to sit in the bus." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Your loss, Stanley. Meanwhile the rest of us will have a super fun time defeating our fear and creating a lasting memory. Walking through FIRE!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Who among you has the guts to replace me? Let him walk across these coals." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Are you going to try it?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I'm not going to talk through the fire after your disgusting feet have gone through." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Angela, it is a million degrees." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm gonna do it. And I fully expect to burn my feet and go to the hospital. That's the right spirit when doing a coal walk, right?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. No, not you, Pam. You have to keep score." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'd like to try it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pointless." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "But I'm not kidding. I really want to do it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Blah, blah, blee blup, blup, okay? This is about guts. It takes guts to be a regional manager. Jim, you're up." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nope." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ji.. why not? C'mon." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, 'cause I don't want my feet to get burned." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You do not have what it takes to be a regional manager." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's harsh." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Who's next? Andy? Where's Andy? Andy is never here today." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[lying in water, car lights light up his location] Hello? Who's there? My name is Andrew Bernard, I was with a group called Dunder Mifflin. Hello?" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Why don't you go Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Because I already did. Remember? I burned my foot on a George Foreman grill." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And that is not the same at all. If you're going to ask other people to do it, you should do it yourself." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright. Okay. Alright. Fine. 'kay. [clears throat, breathes noisily] The mind has to wrap around the foot. [exhales] Okay." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Do you want us to count to three?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes. Count to three, please." }, { "character": "Group", "line": "Three. Two. One." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Count the other way. Count... no, no, count one, two, three, not three, two, one." }, { "character": "Group", "line": "One. Two. Three! Go! Do it! Go, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wait! Am I going on go? Or am I going on three?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "On the go that's after three." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Group", "line": "One, two, three, go!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No! It's okay. I will do this Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Don't, don't." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[walking on coals] I will walk and stand on these coals until you award me the position of regional manager!" }, { "character": "Group", "line": "Wow. Go, Dwight. Keep moving." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[standing still, on the coals] GIVE ME THE JOB! GIVE ME THE JOB!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm not going to give it to you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[falling on his knees, then on all fours] Aaagh, aaagh!" }, { "character": "Group", "line": "[yelling excitedly for Dwight to get off the coals]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael, do something!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Aggggh, that stings!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Being the boss is also about image. I've never looked like that. That was gross. I just, I don't see the connection between a firewalk and management. Worst seventy-five bucks I ever spent. You know what, if I had to pick my replacement based on today, it would be Mr. \"Outside Hire.\"" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Or Mrs. \"Outside Hire.\"" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah. Ummm, hmm... True. Look, I don't want to leave this branch that I love to an outside hire therefore we are going to have a one hundred point winner take all sudden death tribal council round. To test the aspect of my job that I think is the most important, something I call the Bob Hope factor." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Who's Bob Hope?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "God! He's a comedian." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh, like Amanda Bynes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Who's Amanda Bynes?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "She's from \"What a Girl Wants.\"" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, I love that movie. Yes, Kelly is right, the person to replace me has to have a great sense of humor and they have to possess the leadership qualities of a Bynes or a Hope. So without further ado, Jim and Dwight show us what you got." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, I know what you're looking for, but um, I got to be honest, I really don't think I should be considered as your replacement." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You are being too modest." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Michael, on Thursday I'm going to drive down and interview with David for the open position in New York." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hhhh... okay. That is not funny. I am deducting sixty points from Voldemort for false pretenses. Okay, Dwight your turn. Wow us." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The Aristocrats. A man and his wife and his children go into the offices of a talent agency. And the talent agent says, \"Describe your act.\" And the man says something really, really raunchy and the talent representative says, \"What do you call yourselves?\" And the man says, \"The Aristocrats!\"" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[breathes deeply and runs across coals] Oooh, uh hah, ooh! Wha-hoo! Ahhhh..." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[finishes story] I mean truly repulsive acts." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That is a very, very funny story." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[runs over after walking over fire coals] Hey! I want to say something. I've been trying to be more honest lately and I just need to say a few things. I did the coal walk! Just, I did it! Michael, you couldn't even do that. Maybe I should be your boss? Wow, I feel really good right now. Why didn't any of you come to my art show? I invited all of you. That really sucked. It's like sometimes some of you act like I don't even exist. [turns and looks directly at Jim] Jim, I called off my wedding because of you. And now we're not even friends. And things are just like weird between us, and that sucks. And I miss you. You were my best friend before you went to Stamford, and I really miss you. I shouldn't have been with Roy. And there were a lot of reasons to call off my wedding. But the truth is, I didn't care about any of those reasons until I met you. And now you're with someone else. And that's... fine. It's... whatever. That's not what... I'm not... Okay, my feet really hurt. The thing that I'm just trying to say to you, Jim... and to everyone else in this circle I guess, is that I miss having fun with you. Just you, not everyone in the circle. Okay, I am going to go walk in the water now. Yeah. It's a good day." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam, that was amazing. But I am still looking for someone with a sales background." } ], [ { "character": "Group", "line": "Flintstones, meet the Flintstones. They're a modern stone-age family. Ba-ba-da-da-da. From the town of Bedrock, they're a page right out of history. Ba-da-da-da-da. [overlapping singing of the wrong verses] When you're with the Flintstones, have a yabba-dabba-doo time, a dabba-doo time, we'll have a gay old time!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "WWWWIIIILLLLMMMMAAAA!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Nice!" } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "So we have about an hour and a half. I suggest that you all go potty now and then we will be congregating on the party bus. Fun on wheels. Only way to travel. Besides a monorail." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Well, Bob was going to just drive me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. No, no, no. No guests today. Classic gang only. Just us good friends, and Karen and Andy." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Sometimes Michael gets nostalgic and he talks about the classic gang. That's Michael, me, Jim, Dwight, Angela, Kevin, Oscar, Stanley, Phyllis, Creed, Meredith, Kelly and Ryan. We're a regular Ocean's Eleven." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Jim, David Wallace is calling for you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, okay. Hello. Hey, David. Sure." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam, you broke up with your boyfriend and then kept working together. How did that work out?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You remember you fired Roy for attacking Jim and I don't talk to him anymore really." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Acrimonious." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "This way to the party bus. Good." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "[Sign says 'No Alcohol, No Loud Talking'] Um, What the hell?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's a bus that takes you to a party. Here we go." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Um, I forgot my..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Here we go. Come on. Okay, everybody here?" }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Yeah!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Then, Mr. Driver, we are off like a herd of turtles! Johnny Carson. [Meredith runs to catch up to bus with her large drink cup]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Seat belts fastened, folks. Safety first. Hey what is all this?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nothing." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "If I guess, will you tell me?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Please?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Is that a sumo suit?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I know, we're putting on a play for Japanese investors." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, we are not." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Please tell me. I've been so good..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You are really annoying me. If you don't knock it off..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Please." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "...I'm never gonna tell you anything ever again. Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Please." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Can we please pull over at the next rest stop?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. We're only 10 minutes from the lake." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Pull over! Pull over! [Meredith uses a bush while all the other passengers look the other way, except Creed]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, I am choosing my apprentice. Which is why I have modeled all my games after Survivor." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Any questions?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Just one." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yup." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "The torches are lit." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, for dramatic affect." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, Michael, people are blindfolded. That's a hazard." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Very good, Jim. Pam, please note that Jim is very astute. All right, are we ready?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Are you not gonna put out the torches?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Set!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Go!" } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I think Jim would be a good boss. Plus he's eye candy. It's OK, Bob... Vance knows he's on my list. Um, George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, Jim, and that British guy that got in trouble with a prostitute." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "It is an honor just to be considered for Michael's job. Honestly. And if I win it, then I will be ordering a pretty sizeable Most Improved Player plaque to put over the hole I punched in the wall." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[sighs] Okay. Pam, who came out best in the race, in your opinion?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Um, Karen left her blindfold on the longest but she also threw her egg at Jim." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Because he wasn't following the rules." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I think they were just having fun." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "But they didn't complete their task, Pam! If people can't carry an egg in a spoon, blindfolded, then what does that tell you about how they will be able to manage a sales report, or conduct a business call?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It tells me nothing." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Exactly. Are you sure you're doing that right? Taking an awfully long time." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "There's 800 of them!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, all right." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's very important that you all try to eat as many hotdogs as you can..." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Hotdogs are really unhealthy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Son of a bitch. God! Okay. All right you know what? Here we go. On your mark! Get set!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Is there any mustard?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No mustard! No mustard! Just... eat it. Eat it, Phyllis. Dip it in the water so it will slide down your gullet more easily." }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "That's what she said!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, no, no, not that--- just... come on, you guys, let's do it! I'm serious. Who's got the hungry?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I do!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Who's got the hungry?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I do!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Come on, Ryan..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Let's go." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ryan, I want to see you with a hot dog in your mouth. Right now." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Karen and I are having our own contest to see who can eat the most normal amount of tuna salad in an unspecified but very cofortable amount of time. I don't know what to tell you. Right now? Dead heat." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Keep eating tuna, Big Tuna. Loser!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "He's gonna throw up." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Dwight and Stanley are in sumo suits] Ready! Go!" } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "The guy who sits behind me and the guy who sits across from me are fighting to see who becomes my boss. [laughs]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[Dwight knocks Stanley down] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Eat sand, you fat, old man!" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh, I'm out of it. Let's face it, the hot dog-eating contest was my best shot." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Michael, since Andy isn't here, maybe I could be the team captain." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You? You haven't made a sale." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I know, but I'd like to give this a try." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Don't try to flirt your way into this. Sometimes you really creep me out." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[in sumo suit, waves down a car, which swerves around him, runs after it, waving his arms] Wait! [throws sumo hair-hat at the retreating car]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Andy Bernard is in first place with four hot dogs! Dwight Schrute is a close second with three and a half! Here comes Stanley! Here comes Stanley, with three hot dogs!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "This is an inflatable sumo suit. [blows] Now, in the olden days, when they wanted to find a guy who could be king, they would have him pull a sword out of a stone. Well, times have changed. [blows] And it's not even about who is the best sumo wrestler. It's about who is the best boss. And I don't even care who wins. [blows] It's how they wrestle in a blow-up suit... [breathes in] that will tell me all I need to know [blows] or how sumo... [collapses]" } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[at Dunder-Mifflin Corporate in NY] David!" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "[confused] Oh, Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Are we all set?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Isn't our interview tomorrow?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes. I just happened to be in the neighborhood, thought I'd drop in and say hello." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "You happened to be in mid-town Mahattan?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thought I'd catch a show." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "In the middle of a work day?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Naaah. You know what? Since I'm here, let me ask you a few questions about the job." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um, how many people are you interviewing?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "We're only interviewing the branch managers and some other upper level company people." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ah, well, good. Out of curiosity are you interviewing anyone who has been here longer than I have, or manages more people?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "I don't think so." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Great. One more... question. When you merged those branches who did you put in charge?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "I believe we put you in charge." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ah, great. No further questions." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Okay, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "I'm really looking forward to our interview." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And I'm really looking forward to working with you." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I got it made in the shade. I know this company. The other branch managers are total morons. [on cell phone] Hey, Pam yeah, I forgot what day the interview was and I drove to New York accidentially. I'll be like three hours late." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[Jim walk through the door sporting an obvious new haircut] Hey." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, Kev." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "What's different about you? You look worse." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "You got a haircut. It's sexy, hot." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ohhh..." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Turn around." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No way." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Do it!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Blup-dup-do. What's up, Big Haircut? You are no longer Big Tuna. From henceforth, you shall be known as Big Haircut." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[exhales loudly] Andy..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What is it, Big Haircut?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nothing." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Sorry, I can't hear you Big Haircut." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yup." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Karen suggested that I get a haircut for the interview tomorrow so that I could look presentable and not, as she so lovingly puts it, homeless." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey. I think it looks great." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thanks, Pam." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "After I had my little outburst at the beach, Jim was really nice about it. He just basically said that he missed my friendship too and I would always mean a lot to him and I understand where he's coming from. For the record, I am not embarassed at all. It needed to be said, and I said it, and it only took me three years to summons the courage, so [quietly, and mock bowing] thank you." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[knock on door] Yeah." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You wanted to see me?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, the time has come to name my own replacement. So please hand this letter of congratulations to Dwight K. Schrute." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "But that's my name. [opens letter and reads] Dwight, congratuations a-wipe. Don't screw the pooch. [begins to cry] Thank you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. Uh..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[cries harder] Thank you, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh, okay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[sobbing, holding letter to chest] Thank you so much." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Stop crying." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[sobbing] Thank you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ohhhhh..." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Um, about the beach..." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "It's okay, we all say things without thinking." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, no it's not that, I've actually been thinking that for a long time, and I'm glad I said it. I just... I'm sorry if it made you feel weird." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "[confused] Oh. Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Karen", "line": "Pam is... kind of a bitch." } ], [ { "character": "Karen", "line": "Hey, what if we leave tonight? Grab a bite, get a hotel room, enjoy the city a little bit." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ahhh... just have so much paperwork to do. [exhales] Wow. Done. Okay, let's do it." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "So I was wondering if Karen and I could get off a few hours early 'cause we want to spend the night in the city." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why so you can do it?" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "[looks annoyed]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Whoops." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, um, well I was thinking that uh, actually we could all leave tomorrow and do a convoy you know? Convoys are really fun. Pull up next to each other, give each other the finger..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hmmm." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Heh." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Moon each other." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ah, we're gonna go tonight, but we're gonna see you there tomorrow morning, right?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Your loss." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Wait, how would you moon us if you were driving?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Cruise control." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Oh." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "So Jim, who do you think is hotter? Pam or Karen?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, I'm not going to talk about this now." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Pam is taller." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You sure?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yes. She has bigger breasts, too." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I think Karen has a prettier face." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh, hmm. [thinking] Uh, hmm. What else?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Well I mean Pam's face is really pretty too. It's a very tough call." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hm. Really tough call." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know what? Why don't you take the rest of the day, figure it out and then come back and tell me what you got." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Will do." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right. [smiles]" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Hey, Pam I've been meaning to say something to you. I really miss our friendship. [group laughs]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Wow, very funny." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I've never heard you talk that much. I thought it was Kelly." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Are you kidding? I would have never done that. It was pathetic-ville. No offense, Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[smiles]" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "You know what? Don't even worry about it. Everyone was so drunk, I bet no one even remembers what you said." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "I remember. I blogged the whole thing." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "www.creedthoughts.gov.www/creedthoughts. Check it out." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Last year Creed asked me how to set up a blog. Wanting to protect the world from being exposed to Creed's brain I opened up a Word document on his computer and put an address at the top. I've read some of it. Even for the intranet it's... pretty shocking." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "There they are, the Accounting Department. I shall miss your humility and your promptly printed checks." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Do you think it's gonna to be weird working with Jan in New York?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. Not at all. I haven't talked to Jan since we broke up, and I think if she had something to say she would have called me." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Maybe you should talk to her? Before..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, no. You know what? It's a done deal. I basically have the job already. There's nothing she can do to stop it now. I already sold my condo." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Michael..." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Why?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I'm sorry, that just doesn't make sense." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, I..." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Wha? Who gave you that advice?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah, Michael you should never sell your condo..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I have to buy another place." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "But you said you were in debt. [crosstalk]" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You're not sure that you have the job." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I sold it on eBay. The buyer was very motivated, as was I. It went for eighty percent of what I paid. Sold in record time." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "How would you like to spend the night with the Regional Manager of Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No Dwight, I don't care if that is how they consolidated power in ancient Rome." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, no, not Michael. [whispers] Me. I'm taking his job." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[smiles] Not now. [Dwight leaves] Goodbye, Kelly Kapoor." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[squeezing hand grips] Jim, Jim, Jim. Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh hey, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I am gonna be your new boss. [laughs] It's my greatest dream come true. Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check in time is now. Check out time is never." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Does my room have cable?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No. And the sheets are made of fire." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Can I change rooms?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Sorry, we're all booked up. Hell convention in town." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Can I have a late checkout?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'll have to talk to the manager." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You're not the manager even in your own fantasy?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm the owner. The co-owner. With Satan!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, just so I understand it, in your wildest fantasy you are in Hell and you are co-running a bed and breakfast with the devil?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, but I haven't told you my salary yet." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Go." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Eighty thousand dollars a year." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Once I'm officially Regional Manager my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[signing interview sheet] I will see you at the inter-view." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes you will." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Who is D. Abramson?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "He's from that company in Pitts..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "[walks through front door] Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why... are you here?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Uh, how are you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm good. How are you, Janet? It's good to see you." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I'm great. Uh, can we, can we talk... privately... for a minute?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why privately?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I just, [quietly] I uh... I don't uh... I, I don't, I don't like the way that we left things." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, sure, fine. Um, why don't you wait in my office. I have some important business matters to take care of." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam, Defcon ten. Houston, we have a problem." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What do you want me to do?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh, I may need some immediate assistance. If you would slowly and quietly gather the ladies in the conference room. Phyllis, Angela, Karen." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What about Meredith?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. She's an alternate." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "So, how you been?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Been good." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Good." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Sorry to drop by unexpectedly. I uh, I tried calling, but I kept getting voice mail." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Weird. Yeah, I didn't get both of your messages." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "So, um, Michael needs us in the conference room." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "'Cause of Jan again?" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Hey, uh, before I leave tonight, would you mind making a half a dozen copies of Jim's and my sales reports for our interviews tomorrow?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Uh, sure." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Thanks." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I really hope you get the job." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Thanks. [looks suspicious]" } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "After you ended... everything with us, I went on a vacation." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hmm." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "To kinda clear my mind." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sound good. Sounds fun." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "It was. Yeah, it was good. [laughs] I think I'll just get right to the point, you know? Um, I, I feel good about myself for the first time in a really long time." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hmm.." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I've made some big changes in my life and... I miss you. I want us to get back together." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Would you excuse me for a second?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Ohh... [Michael leaves and walks into conference room]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Defcon twenty. She wants to get back together." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "What are you gonna do?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't know, that's why you're here, help me. Please..." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Do you want to get back together with her?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no. What do I do?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Just don't get back together with her." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What if she makes me?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "How can she make you get back together with her?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "She made me do a lot of things I didn't wanna do." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "This was a terrible relationship. You were not happy when you were with her." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I wasn't." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You're so much happier now. Just go in there and be strong." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're right. You're absolutely right. I'm gonna go in there and tell her that we can't be together." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Right." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wow." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Do it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm in a very good place right now. Thank you." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[walks back into office with Jan] Okay. [clears throat] Jan, we need to talk. [Jan turns revealing that she has had her breasts enlarged]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jan is in a different place right now, and it is a sign of maturity to give people second chances. So I am going to hear her out." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh my God. [mouths to Jim] Huge!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, bigger actually." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[whispers] That's crazy!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mm-hm." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[mouths] Wow!" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "[moves to block Jim from Pam's eyeline] Oh my God. Can you believe that?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Unbelievable." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Wow!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "She could put the cup right there." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "I know!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, it's fine. I'm sure it must have been weird for Jim when Roy and I were joking around... that one time." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I would never do that. Waste of money. In my experience, guys are way more attracted to the back of you than the front." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I love fake boobs. Often times, you find them on strippers." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "I find it offensive. Au natural, baby. That's how I like 'em. Swing low, sweet chariots." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "So... [exhales] there are a lot of things that I would like to do differently." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I feel like, when we first got together, that I had a problem with my priorities." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "First got priorities." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "And if we could talk about a way to approach a possible reconciliation..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Let's get back together. [Jan smiles and laughs]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. No, no, no, no. I'll tell you this, it is not because of the boob job. Excuse me, boob enhancement. That would be shallow. And this is the opposite of shallow. This is... emotionally magnificent." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, everyone, listen up! [claps] Time to begin the interview process! [looks at sign-up sheet, only contains Andy's name] Andrew Bernard." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Saving the best for first!" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "All right, you guys. See you later, wish us luck!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No! Hey, hey, hey, hey! Do not wish them luck. Do not wish them luck. All luck must be wished unto Michael." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Good luck, you guys! [everyone wishes them luck]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What did I say!?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[to Jim] Good luck." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thanks." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm happy for him. I hope he gets the job. I really just want him to be happy. And I know that sounds cliche. And I know saying it sounds cliche, sounds cliche... Maybe I'm being cliche. I don't care. Cause I am what I am. [thinks] That's Popeye." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I am going to begin this process with a simple test of intelligence and mental dexterity. What is the best color?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "White, because it contains all other colors." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wrong. Black. It is the most dominant. How do you make a table?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You make a chair, but you don't sit on it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What is the capital of Maine?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "The capital of Maine is Montpelier, Vermont, which is near Ithaca, New York, where I went to Cornell." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, also, moratorium on Cornell talk. Don't wanna hear about it. Forget your personal history, and learn the history of this company." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Should not be a problem. I minored in history in the Ivy League school which I attended." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You're not off to a very good start, Bernard." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I agree. But in another way, I am off to a very good start, wouldn't you say?" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I am a great interviewee. Why? Because I have something no one else has: my brain. Which I use to my advantage, when advantageous." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[Andy and Dwight arm-wrestle, Andy is about to win] Time! No, you failed." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Damn it!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "This interview is over. I'll let you know." } ], [ { "character": "Karen", "line": "[Driving to New York] Hey, thank you so much for driving me down for my interview." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Totally, no problem. What are you interviewing for, by the way, my assistant? Or..." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Oh, you know I'm gonna have a congratulations Karen party um, tomorrow night at my friend's house." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh wow, that sounds like fun. Is your friend named Karen too? What did she accomplish?" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "No, I'm sorry I should have been clearer. It's for me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh..." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "'Cause I'm going to get the job." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[holding Jan's breasts] Remarkable." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Thanks." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wait, wait. Check one more time." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Oh, okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Very good [Jan nods]" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Well, I um, I have to get back, but I will see you in New York tomorrow, right?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, indeed." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Good luck with your interview. [whispers] Bye." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "So, I guess we're getting back together." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What happened?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Your advice was good, but Jan's was bigger." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Here's the sitch. Two weeks ago, I was in the worst relationship of my life. She treated me poorly. We didn't connect, I was miserable. Now, I'm in the best relationship of my life with the same woman. Love is a mystery." } ], [ { "character": "Karen", "line": "So we have all night. Where do you want to go first?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, I dunno, how about the U.N.?" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "How often do you come here?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Um, everytime my sixth grade class has a field trip." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "I think you'll really enjoy this, adult Jim." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, everybody. The next time you see me, I'll be working for corporate. Starting tomorrow, Dwight Schrute will be running the branch. So without further ado, [clicks on small tape player] I would like to start saying my goodbyes [Song: Thank You, by Natalie Merchant plays in background] Okay. Goodnight, and good luck." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[Dwight clicks off tape player] Who's ready to work?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Karen punches buttons on an ATM] Yeah, we went to the Spotted Pig for dinner. It's in the Village. Uh, Karen knew it. And then we second acted Spamalot. That's when you sneak in at intermission with all the smokers. And then we went to a bar that used to be a church. Oh and at this one bar, I swear I saw Lorne Michaels." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "That wasn't him. [Jim nods, mouths, yes, it was]" } ], [ { "character": "Karen", "line": "So what's going to happen to us when I get this job?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh do you mean when I get the job?" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Well, if you get the job then I'd move here with you. Would you move with me? I'm not stupid. I was at the beach. We won't have a future in Scranton. There's one too many people there." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You mean Kevin?" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Exactly. But you get it, right? Can't stay there." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, I do. C'mon. [they hold hands and cross street]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[exhales] How are you guys doing? Need anything?" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Uh, no, we're good. Thanks." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I have been here a bunch of times, so I know where everything is, know everybody's names. If you need to know somebody's name, just ask me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[points at bearded man] Who's that?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That is Beardy." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Beardy?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mm-hmm." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm gonna introduce myself." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, no, just... that's not his real name. That's just what I call him, so..." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am by far the most qualified person they're interviewing. Jim and Karen are here, which is cute. They're like, kid actors tagging along with daddy, on the big audition, hoping to be discovered. Except daddy... is the best actor around. Daddy is Meryl Streep." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael is gone." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hail to the chief!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "My first order of business: make Andrew Bernard my number two." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "My first order of business: accept." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "As if you had a choice. [scoffs] Duh. [scoffs] Opportunity of a lifetime. [spits chew into Michael's World's Best Boss mug]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Three months ago, I was nowhere. I was just a Cornell grad, in anger management. Look where I am now. Not bad. [washing out Michael's mug]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey! Hunter! Wha's up my brutha? This is Hunter, secretary extraordinaire." }, { "character": "Hunter", "line": "Uh, administrative assistant." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jan in yet?" }, { "character": "Hunter", "line": "I think she's comin' in... later." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Could you give her a message for me, when she gets in?" }, { "character": "Hunter", "line": "Sure." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just say, \"I want to squeeze them.\" It's code. She'll know what it means." }, { "character": "Hunter", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, and Hunter? Could you tell her, [Michael shakes his head and makes the \"motorboat\" noise] \"Brbrbrbrbr!\" also?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You showed great leadership potential at the coal walk. Even if you did follow it with that embarrassing personal confession." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I had to make Andy my number two. It's political, complicated, you wouldn't understand. I want you... to be Assistant Regional Manager." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, in a sense. Although, publicly I am going to retain the Assistant Regional Manager position." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You will be your own assistant." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Correct, I need someone I can trust. But I would also like the title... to be secretly applied to you. Just stripped of its pomp and frills." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay. So... you would be the Regional Manager, and the Assistant Regional Manager. Andy is your number two. I would be the Secret Assistant Regional Manager." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Mmmmmm, let's call it Secret Assistant to the Regional Manager." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Mm-hmm." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Do you accept?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Absolutely, I do." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I learned from Jim, if Dwight ever asks you to accept something secret... you reply, \"Absolutely, I do.\"" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[knocks on door] Hello, hello!" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Michael, good to see you!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good to see you. Here are the post-merger performance stats that you asked for." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Oh, great. I've been meaning to thank you by the way. You didn't lose a single customer during the merger, and you still managed to trim the budget? That is nice work. [Michael smiles] So, let me ask you a question right off the bat. What do you think are your greatest strengths as a manager?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why don't I tell you what my greatest weaknesses are? I work too hard. I care too much. And sometimes I can be too invested in my job." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Okay. And your strengths?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, my weaknesses are actually... strengths." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Oh. Yes. Very good." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Very good." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Dwight is our new boss." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Oh, Michael's not going anywhere." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Then who do you think will get the job?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Karen. She looks corporate. Those little pants suits." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I think it's gonna be Michael." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Do you really think he's qualified for that job?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "No, but he wasn't qualified for the job he has now, and he got that one." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[laughs] Mm. Yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Listen up! Come to the center of the room, please. This... [holds up paper that resemles a sheet sized dollar bill with Dwight's face in the middle] is a Schrute Buck. When you have done something good, you will receive one Schrute Buck. One thousand Schrute Bucks... equals an extra five minutes for lunch." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[raises hand] What is the cash value of a Schrute Buck?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Excellent question, Pam. 1/100th of a cent." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "So ten thousand of your dollars is worth one real dollar?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Just... zip your lid! Another announcement. Michael wasted an enormous amount of the group's time and patience with non-work related ethnic celebrations and parades of soft-minded dogoodedness. No longer. No more meetings!" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Amen." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Instead, today I will begin my first lecture in a long series of lectures designed to increase your knowledge on the world of paper." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[raises hand] Do we have to?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes! Michael is gone. There's a new sheriff here in these offices, and his name is \"me.\" Conference room! Ten seconds! All of you!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I literally cannot wait to see what Dwight has planned. And I wish Jim were here." } ], [ { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "What do you think we could be doing better?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I've never been a big fan of the name Dunder Mifflin. I was thinking we could name the company something like, \"Paper Great. Where great paper is our passion. We're GRRRRRRRRRREAT!\" I don't know, could be good. Or, uh, \"Super Duper Paper. It's super duper.\" I don't know, something like that." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Okay!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Thanks for comin' in, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "It is always a treat when our paths cross." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It is always a treat when our paths cross. So, oh! Before I forget, I wanted to let you know, if you hadn't already heard, uh, Jan and I are back together. So... I may need to fill out one of those love documents again." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "You're back together." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes. And I am very excited about the prospect of working under her... or on top of her. [laughs] Mm, that's not sexual, just... we're all professionals." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Okay, uh. Well, I thought it was clear in the description, the position... the job you're applying for... is Jan's job." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't understand. So, we're gonna tag team it?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "No, we're letting Jan go." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Listen up. Let's start... from the ground up. Where does paper come from?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[at the same time as Dwight] Trees." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Trees! And where do trees grow?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[at the same time as Dwight] Forest." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Soil. Right. We have, in front of you here, seven different types of Pennsylvania top soil. Now, what would you say... is the most important element in the production of above ground leafy growth? Probably phosphorus, right? [Angela smiles, shakes her head \"no\"] Wrong! It's nitrogen! Absorb this information. Good! Now, let us discuss precipitation. Stanley! When rainfall occurs, does it usually fall in a liquid, solid, or gaseous... state?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Liquid." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Very good! You have earned one Schrute Buck." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I don't want it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Then you have been deducted 50 Schrute Bucks!" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Make it 100." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "We--- Don't you wanna earn Schrute Bucks?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "No. In fact, I'll give you a billion Stanley Nickels if you never talk to me again." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What's the ratio of Stanley Nickels to Schrute Bucks?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "The same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay---" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That's it!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What---" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Class is canceled, everybody out!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No wait, what are you doing?!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'm punishing them." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, no, no, wait! Class is not canceled." }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "[grumbling, getting loud]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "HEY! COME ON! Let's listen to Dwight's presentation! [Dwight winks at Pam]" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What--- What are you winking for?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Zip your lid!" } ], [ { "character": "Karen", "line": "So, that's... my basic 5 year plan. And after that, who knows?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Okay. Uh, now, this may seem like an odd question, but..." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Yeah?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "...what do you think about Michael Scott?" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "He's a very nice man. And he's very well suited for the job he has now." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "This is off the record." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "He would be disaster." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "Hey you!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "How was your interview?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pretty good." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Yeah?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Could have gone better I guess." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Oh. [they kiss] I'll put in a good word for you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Cool. Maybe you should do it sooner rather than later." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Daaah, let's just run away together. Let's just run away to Jamaica and live in a bungalow. You have some savings right? You could pay off my debts. It would... be fine. We'd have fun." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "What's... what's the matter? What... what happened in there?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I can't tell you." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Tell me what?" } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "You son of a bitch!" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Jan, this isn't the time, we're in an interview---" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "You're firing me? Where the hell do you get off?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Frankly, it's overdue. Your behavior in the last two years has been completely erratic." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Erratic?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Recently, you don't even show an interest in your work! You smoke constantly in your office. You spend most of the day online shopping. You disappear for hours at a time, sometimes days. Always saying you're visiting your sister in Scottsdale. You go to Scranton far more often than you used to---" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "[opens up her overcoat] Is it because of these?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wuuuoooh, hey, whoa, Jan---" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "No, I wanna know. I wanna know! Because if it is, then, then, then I will see you in court!" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "It's not." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "No?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "It's not." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "'Cause he likes them. [points to Michael] Okay? He likes them. And, and that is, that is all I care about." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "The time has come for you to end your professional relationship with this company. You are clearly unstable." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey! You're unstable!" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Yeah!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No--- We're all unstable." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Okay, you know what? I'm just not leaving. I'm not leaving. Not leaving." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "David, I did not tell her." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "It's like staring into my soul, when I look at this wall." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's like outerspace without the stars, it's so black. [laughs]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "This is gonna look so awesome!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's so intimidating! Anyone who comes in here... is gonna have to take me seriously. Abandon all hope, ye who enter here!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[laughs] Totally!" } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "[giving a hug] Bye Hunter." }, { "character": "Hunter", "line": "Bye." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Good luck with your band." }, { "character": "Hunter", "line": "Oh, thank---" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Don't let them change you, okay? [Jan drops several items, Michael and Hunter help pick them up, she starts to walk out the door] So long, [censored]." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So, I am gonna... give her a ride home. Let me know about the job." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Actually, Michael, I think we're gonna take it in another direction." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good, I'm glad we're on the same page. I have a lot of ideas for new directions." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "No, we're not giving you the job." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what? That... is actually good... because, um, I don't think I could take... my girlfriend's job. That's not being a good boyfriend. So, I respectfully withdraw my name from consideration. Do you accept my withdrawal?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "I do." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good. Very good. I'm glad we are finally on the same page. Still have my job in Scranton, though." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good. That's all I ever wanted. These two. [points at Jim and Karen] Either one of them... excellent candidates." } ], [ { "character": "Karen", "line": "Wow. That was some serious... hardcore... self destruction." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah. Kinda feel bad for her though." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Don't! She's nuts! [they laugh]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, man. You know what? This might take a while. You really don't have to stay, if you don't want." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Okay, good! Because, um, a bunch of my friends are meeting downtown for lunch. And, I was gonna meet them, so..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Just call me when you're done." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Sure." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Good luck, Halpert." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Receptionist", "line": "[phone rings, picks up] Dunder Mifflin, this is Grace. Sure." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "Oh, God! I mean, I just don't understand! It's just so rude, you know? I mean, the absolute nerve of that guy!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know. I know, I'm sorry about that. That was terrible." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Oh, just... No, actually I think it's good, you know? It's fine, actually, I do. I really think it's great that it happened. Because, you know, my work has always been the thing that has gotten in the way of my happiness, so... [laughs]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, it's... [Jan starts crying, high pitched whining] No, don't cry, it's gonna be OK." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "[sobbing] Oh, I know, I know. It's just... I'm sorry. It's just these painkillers that I started taking since the surgery. Ohhh! They make my moods totally unpredictable! Wow! What am I gonna do?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[whispers] I don't know. [normal volume] Well I guess... you could come and stay at my condo. I think I could back out of the sale. [Jan exhales] Probably get some negative feedback on my eBay profile." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Live together. Actually, wait a minute! This could be great! This could be perfect! You know, my full-time job could be our relationship. I could wear stretch pants and wait for you to come home at 5:15. [laughs] It could work. This could work, really!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[in the office, imitating the terminator] I'll be baaaaack! And I am baaaack!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "How'd it go?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. No, Pam. I'm baaaaaack! For gooood! Kevin Nealon." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Everybody, may I have your attention please? It is with great honor and privilege that I announce to you that I have officially withdrawn my name for consideration from the corporate job. I know, I know, I know. \"Michael, what are you thinking? You were a shoe in.\" Well, got down there. I nailed the interview. And the strangest thing happened. Why is my office black?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "To intimidate my subordinates." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's stupid." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It was Andy's idea." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You shouldn't have taken it. Bad management! Good thing I'm baaaaaack. [laughs] Ryan, coffee." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I don't do that stuff anymore." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, it's for me, bimbo. Kids." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "So I'm back. And I am never, ever going to leave. I am going nowhere. This place... is like... the hospital where I was born, my house, my old age home, and my... graveyard... for my bones." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Did... Karen get the job?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[to everyone] Back to work. [to Ryan] Still waitin' on that coffee." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Pam, hello." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Dwight, hello." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I wanted to thank you... for helping me, when you held the title, Secret Assistant to the Regional Manager. You served the office with great dignity. [Pam salutes Dwight, Dwight returns the salute]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, I don't know what the future holds, but... I'm optimistic. And, uh, I had fun goofing around with Dwight today. Jim and I... are just... too similar. Maybe one day I'll find my own Karen. But--- you--- that is, a, um, you know, not--- A man. A man version. But, uh, until then... I can hold my head up. ... I'm not gay." } ], [ { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "I don't know how I feel about hiring a Sixers fan." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I should leave. [pretends to get up] [they laugh]" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Uh, let me ask you a question, Jim. You're clearly a very bright guy." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thanks." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Always hit your numbers, personable, you make a great impression on everyone you meet---" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm sorry, wait, so is the question \"How'd I get to be so awesome?\" [laughs] Because, I don't have an answer for you. [laughs]" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Uh, oh, hey, do you have your quarterly numbers?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes, absolutely." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "And that, uh, questionnaire. Sorry to make you fill that thing out..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, no, absolutely." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "...that's a HR formality. We have this very irritating HR guy here, he's probably the only person you're not gonna like. [Jim notices a small note inside his papers, it reads \"Jim, Don't forget us when you're famous! Pam\" It has a gold medal yogurt lid attached.] Kendall. Ugh. So, first up..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[hands David his papers] There you go." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "How do you think you function here in New York?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[not thinking clearly because of Pam's note] What's that? Oh, uh, great. You know? I just um, I really appreciate the buildings, and uh, the people, and um, there's just a [sic] energy... New York has, uh... Not to mention, they have places that are open past eight. [David laughs] So that's a... bonus." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "You've been in the Scranton branch a long time. [Jim stares at Pam's note] What have you liked most about that place?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[thinks] The friendships." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Okay. Well, we want the person who takes this position to be here for the long haul. So... long haul. Where do you see yourself in ten years?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[flashback to Beach Games] How are your feet?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Medium rare. Thanks. [they laugh]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "The real reason that I went to Stamford... was because... I wanted to be... not here." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I know." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And even though... I came back, I just, I feel like I've never really... come back." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, I wish you would." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[phone rings, Pam answers] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Just one moment, I'll transfer you." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I haven't heard anything, but I bet Jim got the job. I mean, why wouldn't he? He's totally qualified, and smart, everyone loves him... and, if he never comes back again... that's OK. We're friends. And I'm sure we'll stay friends. We just, we never got the timing right. You know? I shot him down, and then he did the same to me, and... But you know what? It's OK. I'm totally fine. Everything is gonna be totally--- [Jim walks in]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Pam. [to camera] Sorry. [to Pam] Um, are you free for dinner tonight?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right. Then... it's a date." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[to camera, tearing up, smiling] I'm sorry, what was the question?" } ], [ { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "[on phone] So, I know we left the other day on a note of uncertainty. But, after some more thought, I'm very pleased to be able to offer you this job. [laughs] Great! I'm so glad. We're all very excited you're going to be joining us. It'll be nice to have another MBA around here." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[on phone, smiling] I'm excited too. Okay. Bye." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Who was that?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[still smiling] Nobody. You and I are done." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "What?! [Ryan smiles and glances at the camera]" } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Where do you see yourself in ten years?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, [clears throat] I've actually done a lot of thinking about that. And in ten years, I am living in a big house, with my kids. And in this house we have screens on the walls that have famous art on them and I have a remote that works everything, that has like a belt-loop attachment, or in my ear, like a gluetooth. And, because it's the future, I can take just a little tiny pill and get all my vitamins for the whole day." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "A... multivitamin?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, I don't know what it's gonna be called, but... my point is, the future of this company is now. And the future... is me." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Michael, what happened?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jan got fired. And I realized that I could not work for a company that would fire my girlfriend. But more than that, I realized that... I couldn't take a job that would take me away from this place. This is where I belong. This is... my home. And home is where the hardest." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Home is where the heart is." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Heart is. That makes a lot more sense. You think they'd help each other out like that at corporate? [Oscar shrugs] I think not!" } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Well, if Michael gets the job, I will be so upset, because Dwight used to have a crush on me, so if he's boss, it'll be really awkward." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Mmm-hmm. [nods]" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "But if Jim gets it, you should be happy, because you have a crush on him, and he totally doesn't feel the same way, and then he'll be gone." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, well, you know, whatever happens. [Kelly puts her hand on Pam's shoulder] Oh." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Pam, he's just not that into you." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, I know. We talked about it and he told me." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "No, seriously Pam, wake up." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Kelly made me realize something. She and I have... nothing in common. And I need more friends." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Define scorched earth policy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "When an attacker goes through another country sometimes they wi..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Nyah ah! Too long! What is the Dharma Initiative?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It is the source of all energy on this planet." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wrong. It is a corporation formed by aliens." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'm a very good interviewee. Why? Because I have something that nobody else has. And that is... my brain. Which makes me charming, witty, intelligent... [long pause] and quick on my feet." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Who was the second man on the moon?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Trick question. There was no second man on the moon." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Inventor of the cotton gin." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Eli Edison." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Talk me through an appendectomy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Step 1, disinfection. Step 2, incision. Step 3, remove the appendix tenderly so it doesn't burst and spread toxic...icity everywhere." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Step 5, [talking over Andy, indistinct] ...the wound." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Re-suture. Sutures, yes." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "When is the Paleolithic Age?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "17 B.C." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What is a scented candle?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "How is the new boss? Tough. Do people respect him? They have to. Do they like him? Irrelevant. They do not. And I hate them back." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "New York real estate. I started by looking for a brownstone, like the Huxtables had, [shakes head] but instead I found this very, very, nice place in Jamaica, Queens, mon. It is on the last stop of the subway, which is wonderful, because if I fall asleep, I still end up at home. It is a suh-weeeet one bedroom. I have a roommate, uh, Vijay Chokalingham, he's a sophomore at Queens College. He actually works in the Indian restaurant right below the apartment, so... free food, and the place always smells like curry. So, win/win." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok, well I did not get the job in New York, but I got the real prize, domestic bliss. Jan made me breakfast this morning... well she bought the milk. It's soy. [walks into bedroom, Jan sleeping on bed] This is why I do it, that's what I have to come home to. [sighs] She probably won't be up for a few hours." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "This is going to be a very good year. Very good. Jan is at home. Jim is back. My protege Ryan is at corporate. Good stuff. Um... Andy and Dwight are rockin' the sales team. I feel very blessed. [slams on breaks, camera turns, Meredith rolls off the hood]" } ], [ { "character": "IT Tech Guy", "line": "You know generally it's not a good idea to click on offers that you haven't requested. What was the exact offer?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It was for a video." }, { "character": "IT Tech Guy", "line": "Yeah, what kind of video?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "A celebrity sex tape." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Really, what kind of celebrity?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Not relevant." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "How much did you pay for it?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Not relevant." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You paid for it?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It all happened so fast." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I broke up with Karen after the job interview, and uh... it was a little awkward when she came back from the city. She told me, very clearly, just because we were broken up didn't mean she was going anywhere, because she worked really hard for her career. But the next day her desk was empty, and as for me and my current romantic life, I uh... I'm single now and looking, so if you know anybody." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Jim and I went to dinner a few times when he got back from New York. I talked him through his break up. It's really nice to be good friends again." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Are you kidding me, Pam and Jim are totally hooking up. All they do is smile; they're just keeping it a secret. Right? [looks at Oscar]" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I don't know, there is no evidence of intimacy. They've been in remarkably good moods. It could be other things." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Are you kidding me?" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "And Sunday I'm thinking of going to that flea-market at the drive-in." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh that sounds fun. I'm mountain biking on Sunday. On Montage Mountain." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Cool." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well have fun with that." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ladies and Gentlemen. I have some bad news. Meredith was hit by a car." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Where?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It happened this morning in the parking lot. I took her to the hospital, and the doctors tried to save her life. They did the best that they could... And she is going to be OK." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "What is wrong with you? Why did you have to phrase it like that?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "So she's really going to be fine?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes. She has a slight pelvical fracture, but, ah... people have survived far worse." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thank God you were there." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Did you see who did it?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No need we can just check the security tapes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Gah. Kind of a good news bad news there. I was able to be on the scene so quickly because I was in the car that hit her." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Who was driving?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, Michael." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "One day Michael came in complaining about a speed bump on the highway. I wonder who he ran over then." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's only Meredith." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, it's only Meredith, thank God. But did you see the way they looked at me? Like I was a murderer or something." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey... Why did you do it?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It was an accident." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Was she talkin' back?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Did you get sick of that face? Did she owe you money? Uh-oh. Is this downsizing? Did she spurn your advances?" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey guys, we're all gonna visit Meredith at lunch. And we're kicking in $5 for flowers." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Who's we, you and Jim?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, uh, me Stanley and Phyllis so far." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh, I bet Jim goes too." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, I haven't asked him yet." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh, I bet you ask?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I was planning on it." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I bet you were." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Angela?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[whispers to Kevin] Subtle." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "What" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[to Angela] Are you coming?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I can't, Sprinkles is sick." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "She's been sick for some time. Thank you for asking, no one asks... about Sprinkles." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "I have to give her her meds, I have to pet her, and who will she eat lunch with?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Can't your other cats keep her company." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "There's bad blood, jealousies, cliques." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Angela, you're the chairman of the party planning committee. I shouldn't even be planning this, it's your job." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[sighs] All right!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "My lord my liege." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yes Michael?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "So Ryan got promoted to corporate, where he is a little fish in a big pond. Whereas back here in Scranton I am still top dog, in a fairly large pond. So who is the real boss? The dog or a fish?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "So I need a little treat for the gang. Something to win their affections back." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Back? Why is that Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, I ran down Meredith in my car." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Oh! Did you do this on purpose?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I was being negligent. But she's in the hospital, she's fine, recovering nicely. Tiny little crack in her pelvis. But she will be up in..." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Did this happen on company property?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes. It was on company property, with company property, so... double jeopardy, we are fine." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I don't think you understand how jeopardy works." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, right, I'm sorry. What is: we are fine?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[sigh]" } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "People keep calling me a \"Wunderkind\"; I don't even know what that means. I mean, I know what it means, it means very successful for your age, so I guess it makes sense, but... it's a weird word." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Hey D." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey monkey, what's up?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Can you do me a little favor? Go to my place at lunch and give Sprinkles her medicine." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Sure." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I have to visit the alchy." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Check to see if she's faking. If a car hit me, it wouldn't crack my pelvis. You know what; I bet she cracked it at home. Jumped in front of the car to get some workers comp." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I wouldn't put it past her." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So what do you need me to do?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I wrote it out." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Mm-hmm." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "There's a diabetes shot, roll the insulin in your hand, don't shake it. She gets an ace inhibitor with her meal, but you have to put her right in front of the dish or she won't see it because of the cataracts. Mix one capsule of omega fatty acid in with her kidney medicine, um... and you want to give that to her 15 minutes after she's eaten. And, oh and there's a fungal cream because she has this infection under her tail, so you're gonna have to lift her tail and put the cream right at the base of her tail." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok, I have an announcement." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You pushed Darryl out the window?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "You shot Dwight?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No! That is not funny, I love my employees, even thought I hit one of you with my car. For which I take full responsibility. Look I'm just trying to take everybody's mind off of this unavoidable tragedy, and onto more positive things. So I thought we should plant a tree." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh good, so we don't have to work." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "OK, we're leaving for the hospital at 1." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So, like a freedom tree." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I can take 3 people." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I can also take 3 people." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[to Kevin] Separate cars." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Alright, I will get a card at the hospital and we'll sign it outside her room." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Sales people can go later in the day. Hourly works can go at lunch." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok, good good, so we'll just all go down there together at lunch." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Excellent!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I was thinking that we..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good work Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "But..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yaaaaaay, Pam! Alright, since I am the boss I will drive as well. Who wants shotgun?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "You can't be serious. You ran a woman over this morning." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Everyone inside the car was fine, Stanley!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don't know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me... No, don't sue me. That is the opposite of the point that I'm trying to make." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Eww. I hate hospitals. In my mind they are associated with sickness. Oh... She looks like an angel." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "She looks awful." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No... OK, she always looks like that... That is not my fault." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I think she's awake." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No... She's in a coma." }, { "character": "Nurse", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK... Meredith, [hauntingly] Ooooohhhhh. I brought all your friends from the office dear." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "At the same time." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Hello Meredith." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "This is weird." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Brought you some balloons. Why don't we... here you go. [wraps them around her IV] Tie these up, cheer up your tubes... [IV pops out] Oh! Shhhh... For God's sake!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Whoa!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nurse." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "No don't bother the nurse, just put it back in." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[groaning] I am going to be sick... I'm gonna puke." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I wouldn't... I wouldn't worry about it. Don't touch it." }, { "character": "Nurse", "line": "What, what are you doing? Just gimme that." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Thanks." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[applauds]" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Does it hurt terribly?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "No, it's not too bad. They have me on a lot of painkillers." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Oh really, what kind? Codeine, Vicodin, Percocet, Fentanyl, Oxycontin, Palladone? What..." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I have no idea." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Oh. [laughs]" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Well it was really great of all of you to come and visit me at the same time. I'll see you guys at the office." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, OK... Wait up, wait up, guys guys guys, hold on a second. You know what I was thinking might be sort of fun? Is if you forgave me in front of everybody." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Michael, I'm not gonna do that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Cause you know what they say in the Bible about forgiveness? Forgiveness is next to Godliness." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No, that's not. That's next to cleanliness." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, just shhhh... just just..." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "You cracked my pelvis" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Look, I just... I don't understand what is preventing you from laughing this off and giving me a big hug." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "You're not forgiven." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Come on. [starts to climb onto the bed with meredith." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael! Michael!" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "[screams]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked. But it's not like a compulsive need to be liked. Like my need to be praised." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey monkey." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Any problems?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well you left the TV on, and your cat is dead." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "What!?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Sparkles, the white one, is dead." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Sprinkles." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That was the sick one, right?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Uh-huh. But I thought she had more time." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Did she look... When you saw her how was she looking?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Really dead. Like a... just a dead cat." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[sobbing]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So... Hey come on, don't be sad, just... OK... just. She's in a better place." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Alright." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Actually the place that she's in is the freezer, because of the odor." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[still sobbing]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[to Angela] It's gonna be OK." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK, you know what? Everybody, let's just get over the whole Meredith thing. She cracked her pelvis, a tiny little crack. She going to be fine, so let's just..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael, Angela's cat died." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sprinkles?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[nods]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[sighs] Oh, sh... I'm sorry Angela. Man what a day huh? How could it get any worse? Her computer crashes with the porn, and then Meredith with the accident, and then... Sprinkles! God, that's 3 things. I'll tell you what's going on. This office is cursed, and we need to do something about it." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, I am taking responsibility. It is up to me to get rid of the curse that hit Meredith with my car. I'm not superstitious, but... I'm... I am a little-stitious." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Did anyone do anything involving an Indian burial ground?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Like what?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Like park on it. Or dig up a body... Toby? Anything you want to tell us?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "No, I did not violate an Indian burial ground. In fact I had some good luck recently, Alfredo's Pizza, picked my business card out of the basket, so... uh, I got a week of free pies." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That's cool." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Perfect. So our tragedy is your good luck. Satan." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Sprinkles never hurt a soul. God in your infinite wisdom how could you do this? She wasn't ready. She had so much left to accomplish." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "She's only a cat." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "You never... you don't like them." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Cats do not provide milk or wool or meat." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Dwight please!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight, you haven't seen Meredith yet, have you?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, I have not." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, I think you should go to the hospital, and pay your respects." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I do not respect her, but I will go." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright, I would now like to talk about each of your individual religious beliefs." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Oh, Michael, you can't ask about religious beliefs..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Satan is a master of lies. Everything he says is the opposite." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Alright, well then you can ask about religious beliefs." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you for the permission. Psych! Alright let's just go around the room, and tell me what you believe in." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I'm... um, Catholic." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Presbyterian." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh me too." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Oh?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[puts hand up for high five] Same religion." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Alright! [high fives Pam]" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I'm a Lutheran and Bob's a Unitarian. It keeps things spicy." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "That's why we're cursed." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "I've been involved in a number of cults, both as a leader and a follower. You have more fun as a follower, but you make more money as a leader." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Kelly, you are Hindu, so you believe in Buddha." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "That's Buddhist." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Are you sure?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What are you?" }, { "character": "IT Tech Guy", "line": "Well if you're going to reduce my identity to my religion then I'm Sikh, but I also like Hip-hop and NPR, and I'm restoring a 1967 Corvette in my spare time." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK, 1 Sikh, and..." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "As a farmer, I know that when an animal is sick, sometimes the right thing to do is to put it out of its misery. With the electricity we're using to keep Meredith alive we could power a small fan for 2 days. You tell me what's unethical." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Blink once if you want me to pull the plug." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Don't pull any plugs." }, { "character": "Intern", "line": "How are you doing Ms. Palmer?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Better." }, { "character": "Intern", "line": "Excellent." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Are you a doctor, or a male nurse?" }, { "character": "Intern", "line": "Um... I'm an intern, which makes me a doctor, but..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Pfft... Her chart doesn't indicate that she had a hysterectomy but she did, or at least she got time off for one." }, { "character": "Intern", "line": "Ah, so uh... so that is where her uterus went... Um, Ms. Palmer, your last tetanus shot was when you were bitten by a bat a few months ago?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Yes. Dwight here, trapped it in a bag against my head." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Just doing my job." }, { "character": "Intern", "line": "It also says you were recently bitten by a raccoon?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "And a rat. Separate occasions." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "You spend your whole life trying to get people to like you, and then you run over one person with your car. [sighs] And it's not even one of the popular ones, and everybody gets on your case. Doesn't make any sense... God is dead." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "If there was a God then Ryan and I would be married by now." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Maybe believing in God was the mistake. What did people believe in before? The sun? Maybe there's some sort of animal, that we could make a sacrifice too. Like a giant buffalo, or some sort of monster, like something with the body of a walrus with the head of a sea lion. Or something with the body of an egret with the head of a meerkat. Or just... the head of a monkey, with the antlers of a reindeer, with, ah... the body of a porcupine." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I will do some research." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I can help you with that." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So, just to be safe they are giving her the rabies vaccine." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh God, Rabies?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Mm-hmm." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I was in the hospital room with her. How contagious is that, is that like an STD?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, no. You've gotta be bitten by something." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "This place is so cursed." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Actually the doctor said it was lucky she came in to the hospital, cause the only way to beat rabies, is to start treatment before the symptoms set in... Lock jaw." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[walks out into the office] I know a lot of you are upset with me for endangering Meredith's life by hitting her, with my car. But it may make you feel a little better to know that before that happened, Dwight endangered her life, by putting a garbage bag over her head that had a bat in it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Six of one, really." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Turns out Meredith has been exposed to rabies. Which is like 10 times worse than a little crack in your pelvis. Thanks to me she went to the hospital and I saved her life. Curse is broken. Curse is broken people! [Kevin claps] Oh... there is a God, and he has a plan for us after all. So go home get some rest, very very good work today. We got a lot accomplished." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Is there a God? If not, what are all the churches for? And who is Jesus' dad?" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[Pam walks out of the office into the parking lot alone. Kevin pops up from the back seat of his car as if spying] Oh well, if they aren't together now, then they probably never will be. I thought they'd be good together, like PB&J. Pam Beasley and Jim. What a waste. What - A - Waste!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[Pam's car pulls out of parking lot and then off to the side of the road] I told you I'm not dating anyone. And even if I was, I don't think it's anyone's business. I mean, when I do fall in love, like when it's for real, the last person I'm gonna talk about it too is a camera crew, or my co-workers. [Jim gets into the passenger side] Almost marrying Roy Anderson was as close to Pamela Anderson as I ever want to be. [Jim leans over and kisses Pam] Trust me, when I fall in love, you'll know." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael Scott's Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton, Meredith Palmer memorial, celebrity rabies awareness, fun run race for the cure, this is Pam." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pro-Am." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Pro-Am race for the... They hung up." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "A woman shouldn't have to be hit by a car, to learn that she may have rabies. But that is where we are in America. And that does not sit right with me. And that is why I'm hosting a fun run race for the cure for rabies. To raise awareness of the fact that there is a cure for rabies. A disease that has largely been eradicated in the US. But not very many people know that." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[on the phone] No, rabies... Babies would be a good idea. Can I put you down for a dime?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hi Stanley, how many sponsors so far?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Zero." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Come on man, gotta step it up! It's for a good cause. Jan called this morning and pledged $500.00." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Isn't that your money?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That... is for a good cause. Phyllis, how's the rabies quilt coming?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh, it's coming." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, look at that, 3. Way to honor Meredith, Phyllis." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "You cannot make me run." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK. [walks away]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "It is not a real charity. It's stupid Michael, and I'm not gonna do it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright, alright." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "You didn't run for me..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Shhh..." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "...when I thought I had skin cancer." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know that you're probably scared of people seeing your fat legs in shorts." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK, well back in olden times, a large fat person, like this, was a person of power. A person who had money, could buy food, person of respect. Like the regional manager of the day. Whereas, someone athletic and trim, like myself, was someone who worked in the fields... And I was a peasant." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I just don't want to run. I didn't bring my sneakers or my clothes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, you're going to have to run, or you're going to be in a lot of trouble. It is not olden times anymore." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[in bathroom] I'm petrified of nipple chafing. Once it starts it is a vicious circle. If you have sensitive nipples, they chafe, so they become more sensitive, so they chafe more. So... I take precautions. [tapes a cotton ball to each nipple]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey Angela. Hey, um... I'm sorry about your cat. [Angela starts to cry]" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "This is Sprinkles. [holds up a picture] She was my best friend. I kept her going through countless ailments. I asked Dwight Schrute to feed her once, and she is now deceased. This is Halloween last year, [picture of Angela holding Sprinkles] just a couple of kittens [starts to cry] out on the town." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Pssst. I'm having relationship problems. And since you're always having relationship problems, I thought you'd be able to give me some advice." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What's wrong?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I have this crazy thought, that I know is crazy. That maybe Dwight killed my cat." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hmm..." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "When I got home, Sprinkles' body was in the freezer where Dwight said he left her, but all my bags of frozen french fries had been clawed to shreds." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ah." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Something's not right. The vet's doing an autopsy." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Angela, I'm sorry." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Did Roy ever kill one of your cats?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm more of a dog person." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[sighs]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "So what's your strategy for this race?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well I'm gonna start fast." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mm-hmm." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Then I'm gonna run fast in the middle." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Then I'm gonna end fast." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Why won't more people do that? [laughs]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Cause they're just stupid." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[looks at camera] What?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Pam and Jim watch video of their kiss on the tv] Oh, ah... No that's not... I mean that wasn't, ah..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah... That was um..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I mean I can see how it would seem a bit like we uh... How it looks like um... I mean now a days you can edit anything, right? I mean you can edit anything to look like um... anything." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, I gave him a ride home because..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Right!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "... We're dating." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow! There it is." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ah, yeah. We haven't told anybody, but it's going really great. [looks at Jim] Right?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It is going really great." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[Angela runs into Dwight] Oww!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Shut up." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You're taking this out on me, but I was only the messenger." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oh, really?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[sighs] You'll feel better after the 5k. Exercise is good for depression." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[pushes her chair into Dwight's legs] I'm not depressed I'm in grief." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "We have raised, almost $700.00, most of it from me and Jan. Um... when do they put that on the giant check? Or is that something that we write in later?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well a giant check costs about $200.00 to make up. I have a print shop standing by but... What do you think Michael, that's over 25% of our funds?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hmm... That's a tough decision. Um... I always imagined it with a giant check. So..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, I mean I personally am definitely on board for the giant check." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Giant check it is." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yep." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well I don't know, on the other hand it does leave less money for bat birth control." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Bat birth control" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wait, this money is going to bat birth control, right Michael, that's what you told me when I contributed." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You didn't contribute very much. I was also hoping to hand the giant check to a rabies doctor. And how's that been going?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Not well. A doctor won't come out to collect a check for $700.00, or $500.00 if we go with the giant check." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Which we are." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "And also there is no such thing as a rabies doctor." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What about a rabies nurse?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't think so." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know what though, I've actually seen ads for nurses that you can hire by the hour, for parties and bachelor events." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's possible. Look into that." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Great, it's gonna cost a couple a hundred buck and ah... oh actually more with tips." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Maybe we should just skip the ceremony and setup a college fund for Meredith's son." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Have you met that kid? He's not going to college." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael, 5k means 5 kilometers, not 5 thousand miles. [knocks]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Come in." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, hey, hey" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh my God." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You said come in!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No I didn't, just please don't..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh my God." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "So I closed the door but the image of his..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Baquette." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "... dangling participle..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Eww." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "... still burned in my eyes." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I can imagine." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[Michael knocks slowly on door] Come in." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "May I enter the room?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes. Or come in." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "See how I did that. That's the way you should enter a room. You knock and then you wait for the all clear." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You couldn't have taken off all your clothes in the men's room?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, but I have an office, so why would I do that." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "On average, how many hours a day do you spend naked in your office? Just ballpark." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "European offices are naked all the time." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "They're so not." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Besides my shirt tail covered most of it so..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I didn't see where it started but I saw where it ended." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[sighs] Gross." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's not gross, it is the human body. What is your problem? Pam you're an artist, right? Think of me as one of your models. OK, you know what, I don't want this to detract from what we really need to be thinking about today, it's not fair to people with rabies. And that's the point, right? OK, let's go have some fun." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "They say if you're nervous around someone you should picture them naked. I do not recommend this strategy. Try picturing them with more clothes on... or a funny coat." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[naked from chest up] Oh, I'm sorry, is this a working office, and not a French beach?" } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "OK, name please." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Creed Bratton, 75 plus division." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "You're over 75 years old?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "82 November first. How much is the prize money?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "There's no prize money." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "What, is any of this real?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Check that out. [points to Toby] Look at me, I'm Toby, I'm stretching, I know what I'm doing. Why is he even here?" } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "So I heard that you were peeping on Michael." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What? Look, no it was not..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I don't know what your deal is, but he's mine, OK? So hands off." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK everybody, listen up. Thank you for coming. Before we get started I wanted to say a few words about this deadly disease called rabies. And I'd like you to take a look into the face of rabies. [turns around a picture of Meredith in the hospital] That should scare you. It scares me. You people need to educate yourselves. Myth: 3 Americans every year die from rabies. Fact: 4 Americans every year die from rabies. How many of you know someone who has been afflicted or affected by rabies? Show of hands. One, two, three... too many to count. It is truly the silent killer. No, it is the foaming barking killer. And it is something... Darryl what are you doing." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[feeding a squirrel] I'm giving him a peanut." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, don't give him... just, did you hear anything I said?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Look how happy he is." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "He's happy because he's insane. You know what, that's the perfect example of the kind of awareness we need to generate. Where's the nurse? [Elizabeth walks up in nurse's outfit] This is the reason we're here." }, { "character": "Elizabeth", "line": "Hello Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh hey, I know you... Elizabeth?" }, { "character": "Elizabeth", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Right? Wow, very cool you went back and got your degree. I would like you to accept this check, for $340.00 made out to science. Make sure that, that gets into the right hands." }, { "character": "Elizabeth", "line": "Great. [everyone claps]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "You got it?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Mm-hmm." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK, fettuccine alfredo, time to carbo-load." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just remember folks, it's not about winning, it is about finishing." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "On your marks, get set..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[pulls Toby's pants down] Beow!" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Hey! [extremely loud gunshot]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "On your left!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You're doing great Michael, look at you go!" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "That's my boss! Yeah-ha baby!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am fast! I'm very fast! I'm like Forrest Gump, except I am not an idiot. [Creed, Stanley, and Oscar get into a cab]" } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Oh yes I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I've walked 2 marathons. Pretty sure I can handle a 5k. Key is drafting, eliminate wind resistance. [running right behind Kevin]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah. [laughs] Oh we're in last place." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, would you look at that." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Darn it." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "Water? Water? [Toby gabs water, drinks, then throws back at Jan] Water babe?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no water for me. Not while rabies causes fear of water... solidarity!" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Michael that's irrational." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Rabies victims... have to live with an irrational hatred of water their entire lives. So... least I could do." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh God! My nipples, it's starting." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "[Creed, Stanley, and Oscar sitting at a table] Can we get another round?" }, { "character": "Waitress", "line": "OK." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Thanks." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "So we've got what, another 20 minutes?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "More or less." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Hmmm..." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "That fettuccine is sitting in my stomach like a rock." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You've got nothing to worry about, I put Imodium in Toby's coffee before the race." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[laughs] Excellent! ...Simpsons. Wait, Imodium or Ex-lax?" } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "I'm makin' great time. Usually I have to take a bathroom break half way through a race like this, but not today." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ooo! An estate sale. Wanna go in?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't know I'm really committed to winning." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "OK, but what if I told you all the money you spend here, goes to preventing a disease that's already been cured." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Mmm... Yes." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's what I thought." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Right. Let's do some good." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[Ryan looks at the phone as it rings... [Pam's voice] [You have reached the offices of Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton, currently the entire staff is out doing the Michael Scott, DM FM PMC rabies awareness Pro-Am fun run race... [Michael's voice] for the cure... [Pam's voice] leave a message\" Ryan hangs up]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Burp] Oh God, Oh, alfredo sauce. I'm getting a stitch. [groans]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[runs into the back of Kevin] Ah, God watch the nipples, Kevin." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Back off me." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "How ya feeling, better?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well you look cute as a button. You've worked up quite a sweat." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "The vet is removing all of Sprinkles organs right now and sending them to the lab." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I am a farmer Angela." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "What does that mean?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "OK, when a farmer sees an animal that is in pain, that has no quality of life, that has no utility, a farmer does what city folk don't have the stomach to do." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "You did kill her!?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I... I sang her, her favorite songs." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "You put her in my freezer." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It was beautiful and gentle and respectful. I fed her antihistamines and she gradually fell asleep." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Well then she barfed them up in the freezer and tried to get out." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well I'm not responsible for that!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "You! [hits Dwight]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey, Oww! [looks around to onlookers] It's OK." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "It's OK." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's nothing, I'm robbing her." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "It's nothing." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's fine. What?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "How could you do that without telling me?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I thought I was helping you. I expected a hug. I took care of that cat, the best way I knew how." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Cat Heaven is a beautiful place, but you don't get there if you're euthanized." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I know a great taxidermist. I'll pay to have her stuffed. Well he's not great, but he's pretty good." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "You don't understand." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[runs by] Take bat bites seriously. Don't get bit." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Or we can have her buried out at the east field, by mother. Huh, Angela?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Don't touch me Dwight! [runs off crying]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[holding lamp] You like it? It's kinda designy and cool, it was $8.00." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, and I get to carry it." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "[crosses finish line] And the winner is Toby Flenderson." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Have a seat, I'll write it down." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Where are we?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I dunno, like 5 kilometers from the office." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "He couldn't have made it a circle?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[bent over] I am not going to finish. I can't beat rabies. Nobody can beat rabies, rabies has been around for a thousand years. I was a fool to think that I could beat it. [Creed,Stanley, and Oscar pass by in the cab and get out at the finish line]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "...talk about it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah probably. Hey, Michael?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What are you doing here? Did you come back for us, or..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I can't finish. I feel so weak, I just..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, you're probably dehydrated." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What do you want me to do Jim?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Glass of water would be a start." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, There are people all over the world, who have all sorts of problems and afflictions, and diseases. They're deformed, and they're abnormal, and... they're illiterate and ugly. Symphonies don't have any money. Public TV is bust. I can't do anything about it, I can't... you know. There's just one of me, and there's a thousand of them. And rabies wins." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow! You are a downer. We were having a pretty nice day." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm still having a nice day." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You are?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah. Hey Michael, look at this lamp. $8.00." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's a good deal." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "And Michael, you don't have rabies. And chances are you're not going to get it anytime soon. So... you don't really have to think about it too much." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam, if everybody felt that way, nothing would get done." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, but there's other, better people out there who are helping." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You just don't think I am capable, of making a difference." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I know you Michael, I saw you naked." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You don't, you don't know me. You've just seen my penis. I can make a difference, remember, I'm the one who started this whole thing off by hitting Meredith with my car. And I owe it to her to finish this... GD 5k [gets up groaning, Jim tries to help] No, no!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Finishing that 5k, was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I ate more fettuccine alfredo and drank less water, than I have in my entire life. People always talk about triumphs of the human spirit, well today I had a triumph of the human body. That's why everybody was applauding for me at the end. My guts and my heart, and while I eventually puked my guts out, I never puked my heart out. And I'm very, very proud of that." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Hey Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey Mer. How ya doing?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Better." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's ironic isn't it? I mean I'm in the hospital for not getting enough water, and you're in it for a disease that causes the fear of water." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I'm in because you hit me with your car. But I wanted to say, I heard you were trying really hard, so I'm not mad at you anymore." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thanks, I'm not mad at you anymore. [sighs, takes sucker out of his mouth] Wanna share?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Sure." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm not really sick. [Meredith takes a lick and hands back to Michael] Nah, I'm good." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Did you ever think of this? Would a sober person walk in front of a car?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ay-o!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm sorry, are you saying that Meredith was drunk at 9 AM?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well..." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "That's despicable." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael." }, { "character": "Someone", "line": "That's not cool." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "There's no proof of that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's not..." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "That seems early, even for her." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's not what...no, no, I'm not saying that, that's disgusting." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Drunk? No! You can't get drunk off Kahlua. It's just a kind of coffee." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Then... what are you saying?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am saying... that... maybe I was drunk. Did you ever think of that?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Definitely not." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "That'd be DUI." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "That's..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Maybe she hit me. You ever think of that? She hit me? I don't know whose fault it was. I wasn't exactly looking at the road." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, Toby. [walks past him to Kelly's cubicle]" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Kelly, we're going to visit Meredith at lunch. [Kelly's lying down on floor, head unseen under desk. She rolls to her side, away from Pam] Kelly?" } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Well, Kelly's been so upset about Ryan dumping her, that she can't even talk. [grins]" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[from under desk] I don't want to talk to anybody about Ryan! Please, go away!" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "They don't have this kind of technology at the vet's. It's not far." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "It's fair." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what, why don't go around the room and say one memory of Meredith. I'll start. I liked her jumpers. They reminded me of Kindergarten. Jim?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I'll always remember Meredith's back. That's all I can see from my desk. All that red hair, over a nice strong back. Sometimes I pretend it's Carrot Top, and he's going to turn around and tell a joke." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "So, how's the view old girl? [looking out windows] Oh! There's a cemetery. You think that's affiliated with the hospital, or is it a like a separate feature..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey! Okay, okay, okay, You can just close that." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Bye, Meredith. Here you go. We got you some balloons." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "See you guys. [chorus of goodbyes, all but Michael file out as he's talking, Creed takes Meredith's pills]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Let's just... Why can't you just forgive... Why, why are you having such a hard time laughing this off? How do you know that you weren't born with some sort of abnormal pelvis that it was just bound to crack at some point?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Oh please, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm not going to leave until you forgive me." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "You're gonna be here a long time." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[standing for a while, sighs, turns to walk out] Oh, okay." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Nurse! I just need some water. And my pills. Thank you." }, { "character": "Nurse", "line": "There you go." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "There's nothing in here." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "This office is cursed. [sighs] And we need to do something about it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Conference room?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Maybe the conference room, maybe the annex. I'm just saying, at least right here [indicates floor in front of his office] is cursed. Conference room, 10 minutes." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "On the one hand, it's a relief to know that it's not just me, the whole office is cursed. On the other hand, I may have to deal with the dark unknown." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Question: Has anyone recently offended a Gypsy?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We have to have done something wrong." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "You ran over an employee." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That was the curse, Stanley, and we are trying to find the cause of the curse." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Mmm. [nods]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oscar, are you Santaria?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I was raised Catholic, but I'm agnostic now, so I guess I'm a secular humanist." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh. Great. We have a secular humanist here, that is disgusting." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Michael, do you know what secular humanism is?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes. It is a philosophy which says people can improve their lives by using reason instead of religion or superstition." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Stupid." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "My cousin Mose's best friend was a dog. One day, he was foaming at the mouth, so I had to shoot him dead. Turns out, he had only eaten one of Mose's cream pies. Did I feel bad for killing him? No. That's how you deal with a thief." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, the, uh, the charity's having some financial problems. What do I look like to you, Paul Newman? That's actually not a good example, because I have been compared to a young Paul Newman, my eyes and my face. And I make my own salad dressing. I mix Newman's Ranch with Newman's Italian. Sell it at flea markets for a slight loss. I could make... I could make a profit if I changed one of the ingredients to Wishbone [shakes head] but I won't do it." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Whoa, 'scuse me! Oh!" }, { "character": "Bob Vance", "line": "Let... let's pick it up, Phyllis!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, slow! Oh, ho, ho, ho. [laughing as he passes Phyllis and Bob] You guys are going so slow..." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Go get him Bobby!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Come on, I'm going backwards." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Sic him!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, all right! All right! All right! All right!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Sic him!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay! [Bob Vance and Michael in an all-out sprint, Michael grunting]" } ], [ { "character": "Pediatrician", "line": "You're gonna be just fine, Michael! You're gonna have a good life." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thanks." }, { "character": "Pediatrician", "line": "Lots of people suffer dehydration; they all recover just fine." } ], [ { "character": "Pediatrician", "line": "I'm Michael's pediatrician. Dehydration's pretty simple. He could also have been treated by a Boy Scout leader, a coach, or a, a... a water bottle." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, apparently, my insurance will not be covering this hospital stay. I will be paying out-of-pocket. Um... I kinda wish I'd been hit by a car." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, doc? You forgetting something? [pediatrician takes a lollypop from his pocket and gives it to Michael] Thank you." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I gotcha one. [Pam hands over a grape soda to Jim]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh wow, thank you." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm just gonna grab some chips, you want some?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No. Thanks... uh we're still having lunch today, right?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I guess. [Pam smiles and walks away, then comes back and kisses Jim on the cheek] How dare you." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey Toby. What's this? [holds up memo Toby has passed out to the staff]" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Ohh." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[reads memo] I just want to remind everyone about the company rules involving PDA or public displays of affection." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Yes, uh some people in the office have complained..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh really." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "...about some other people engaging in PDA and, you know [Michael leans in closer to Toby] I just wanted to remind it's not appropriate to, to do that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Is this about me and Jan? In my office? Because I will have you know that that was consensual. What we did has nothing to do with you or anyone here. I don't think. I don't think anyone heard anything. We were very discreet and, and most people had left by that point. So I don't think it's any of your business. What I think you should do is roll up the memo, real tight..." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Ok, look the memo is not about you..." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[to everyone in the room] For the record, I have never been involved with anyone at work, in any capacity." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Alright everyone, look, it, alright my complaint was about Jim and Pam. So..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[turns to address Jim and Pam] No way." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "You guys are together?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ummm... yup. Yes, we are." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Woooah! Wow!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Tuna!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Awesome!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I knew it!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You guys! Yes! Yes!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Toby, was this your fun little way of congratulating us?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh kay, mind is exploding. Get over here. [gestures to Pam to get up] Come on. Come here. Okay, okay, [to Jim] stand up. [Jim moves over in chair] OK, here we go. [holding both Pam and Jim's hand] Everyone, this is a day that will live in infamy. Because today, is the day that Jim and Pam become one." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Actually, we've been dating for a couple months." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I love you guys, so much. [hugs Jim]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ohh.. [Michael goes to hug Pam, phone rings]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Phone's ringing. [goes back toward desk]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, no Pam let 'em ring. Let the bells of Dunder Mifflin chime out your love. Because this is [starts to well up] really good, this is really good. My heart soars with the eagles nest." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I don't see it. I think they both could do better." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "It's not a surprise to me. Pam is the office mattress." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Jim Halpert's off the market. Guess who just became the best looking single guy in the office?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey. Can you make that straighter? That's what she said." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Did you plan it?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. [tries to hide piece of paper, but Pam grabs it]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[reading from paper] Can you make that straighter? That job looks hard. You should put your mouth on that. How can you even use that one naturally?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Blowing up balloons I thought." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You might want to trim it a little." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Michael... [Kelly enters conference room in a flirty red dress]" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[reading sign] Oh, is... Ryan coming back today?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, he is." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam and Jim are together. Ryan is visiting. Only thing that could make this day better is ice cream." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "What do you want?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "To give you this [reveals a cat from under a coat]." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oh, what is that?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's a feral barn cat. I trapped him last night and I'm giving him to you as a replacement cat for the one I destroyed." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Her name was Sprinkles." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And his name is... Garbage. Mose calls him Garbage because he likes to eat garbage. [shakes cat] Don't you Garbage? [makes chomping noises]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I can't believe you just thought you could replace Sprinkles. Before she's even in the ground." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You haven't buried her yet?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Don't rush me. I'm grieving." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Garbage can be very helpful. OK, he's a youthful cat. He killed an entire family of raccoons. [holds cat towards Angela] Look at him." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I don't want Garbage! I want Sprinkles! [walks away]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey Toby." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Hey... [sees both Jim and Pam] you two." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey. So now that we are dating, uh, we just wanted to know if we had to sign one of those 'we're dating' things for the company." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Oh well, you know, those were only for, you know [makes quotes with fingers] relationships, so... if, if this is just a casual thing, there's no need, really." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, I don't wanna speak for Jim, but, it's like pretty official. [Jim smiles]" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Uh huh." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Sorry, uh do we need to sign one, or...?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Let's just wait and see what happens. [whispers] You know?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Let's just wait." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, OK." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "OK." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Great. [Jim and Pam walk away]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[sees Ryan coming through door] Hey Ryan. Welcome back --" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Hold on one second. [Ryan types on Blackberry for a few seconds] Hey Pam! It's great to see you. Is Michael in?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "There he is! There he is! He's back! And he's with a beard. [laughing] He... He has facial hair. Look at him! All grown up and no place to go. Hello, Mr. Sunny Crockett. I'm Tubs." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "OK. Should we get started?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ohh, yeah, let's get started because uh, yes, cause uh this is very serious business and umm.." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yep, exactly. This is a business meeting." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "...business meeting --" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[rubbing hands in Ryan's hair] Fire!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Stop that! Stop that!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's right! That's right!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[to Kevin] You scared me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Fire guy. Don't start any fires, Ryan." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Fire guy [makes flames with his hands]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "You weren't here for that." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Here for what?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "When he started the fire." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Look how big he is. Look at you, you are so mature and old and little man now. You're like our little man..." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Little old man boy." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Michael and everybody, umm..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Beard." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Bearded man boy." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "...let me just say something. I know I used to be a temp here, but now everything is different. I'd like your respect. I am your boss now. You're gonna have to treat me that same way you treated Jan." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, wow!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "So..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's a little kinky. I don't swing that way." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "OK..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Woooo![laughs] I think Ryan has a gay crush on me." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Enough! OK? This is inappropriate and it stops right now. Do you understand?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, everybody, come on. Settle town. Let's get serious here. Um Ryan, has a very special, important presentation to do, which we will be doing in the conference room in [looks at Ryan] 10 minutes?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Perfect." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sounds good. OK, alright." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, Ryan snapped at me, but there was this twinkle in his eye that I picked up on, which said, \"Dude, we're friends. I'm doing this for appearances. I am the big boss now. And I have to seem like an ogre. But you know me and you trust me. And we like each other. And we'll always be friends. And I would never take you for granted in a million years. And I miss you, man. And I love you.\" His words." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Dunder Mifflin Infinity represents a floor to ceiling streamlining of our business model. The center piece of the campaign is a new business-to-business website interface that will allow us to compete directly with big box chains." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wait a second. Last time I checked, Dunder Mifflin already has a website. And quite frankly, I'm not really sure what's wrong with it. [Jim at his desk, showing the Dunder Mifflin website reading \"Under Construction. Coming Christmas 2002!\"]" } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "This is a massive overhaul. We're getting younger. Sleeker. And more agile so that we adapt to the market place. All essential personnel will be issued Blackberries for company use." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OOhh. Gimmme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I'll stick around to help you set them up afterwards. Any questions? Dwight?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What if we don't want to use a Blackberry because they are stupid and pointless?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "This is company-wide, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Got it. [Andy's hand goes up]" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Andy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "We should call it Dunder Mifflinfinity. You know, push the words together?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Any other questions? [Kelly's hand goes up] Kelly Kapoor." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Can we speak privately about our relationship?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Thank you everybody." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ryan Howard everybody. [starts clapping] Good job. [everyone gets up to leave]" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "That's some fun stuff. When does the website go up?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "As fast as possible. We want to start retraining people A.S.A.P., so we can hit the ground running with a new system." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Cool beans." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "We're screwed." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Who is?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Us? You and me. The old timers." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am not old. You are old. You are like a hundred." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "You're over 40, that's the cut off. Are you listening to what he's saying? Re-training. New system. Youth. I'm telling you this kid is the grim reaper. You deal with this or you, me, Sammy, Phyllis, the chick you hit with the car, we're goners." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Swore I wouldn't tell anyone this, but in the interest of revealing secrets. Oh my God, this will make your brain explode. Umm, Dwight and Angela dating. Have been for six months." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No.. [in awe]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Swear to God. [Pam shakes her head]. Aww this is great. I was actually gonna wait and tell you on your birthday, but this is much more fun." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, they have been dating for like two years. [Jim in shock] Since before your barbeque." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wait. What? [Pam nods her head] You knew? And you didn't say anything?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You didn't say anything to me?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Fair enough. Wow! We should have started dating like a long time ago." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Can you believe that..." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Sorry, I didn't know you guys were in here." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh no, we're just sitting here." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I couldn't see your hands. [Jim shakes his hands] Hey Pam, by the way, it's great that you're dating. But when a new client calls, you just have to randomly assign them to a sales person. You can't base who gets new clients on who you're sleeping with that week, OK?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "OK." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "OK." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "OK." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "And... that is why we waited so long to tell people." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "OK, what's up?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, kay. I was just... After the presentation, just wanted to make sure, that vis-a-vie, that everything in the office is business as usual?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Well it is business, but not as usual." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, I know I understand... we're making great strides and we're updating, but business as usual, no?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "No. [shaking head] We're throwing out the entire playbook, we're starting from scratch, we're implementing a brand new system." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good, so, we're on the same page?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "No. We're not. Michael, I know exactly how much time and man power are wasted in this branch. This company is getting younger, faster, more efficient. You need to prepare yourself." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "We had a foreign exchange student live with us when I was young. And we called him my brother. And that's who I thought he was. Um, then he went home to what is now formerly Yugoslavia, taking all of my blue jeans with him. And I had to spend the entire winter in shorts. That is what Ryan is like. A fake brother who steals your jeans." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "So, how are you?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Awesome. I am dating a lot of guys." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Good." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "A lot. Black guys mostly." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Kelly..." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "What?!" } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Wait, uh, how do you touch just one of these buttons at a time?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I don't know." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Did you even try?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "If the kid wants to set mine up, I'll let him." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I can't see half of the things. [adjusts glasses]" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "It's too little. Use the phone." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I want you to tell me that you care about me. That is what I want." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Kelly, I'm your boss now, OK? You can't keep talking to me like I'm your boyfriend." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh big strong man, fancy new whatever. I don't think you ever cared about me." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I never cared about you? Six months ago Karen Filipelli sent me an email. Asked me out. I said no, because I was committed to our relationship." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Well, I hope you're still committed because I'm pregnant." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[shaking head]" } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "And guess what buddy, [points at Ryan] I am keeping it." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "OK. OK." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Do you feel prepared to help me raise a baby?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I can... I can't talk about this right now, OK? After work, we'll go out to dinner, we'll talk about it then, OK?" } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "We have a date!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hello." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Hello, Dwight. I've been thinking about things and I wanted to know if you would have dinner with me tonight?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'll make a reservation. No, no. Let me cook for you. Cauliflower and noodles. Baked potato on the side." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I would prefer a public place. See you after work." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "Hi, Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Is Michael in?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "In his office. You can go right in." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "[to Ryan] Hey." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Jan." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Ryan. Ryan. Ryan, Ryan." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "So elephant in the room, I have your old job." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Well, not exactly my job... I had a different title." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Oh well, excuse me, same office, same responsibilities." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Different salary. [laughs] You'll get there, don't worry." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Well... you look great." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Thank you, thank you." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Scranton suits you." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Best decision I ever made." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "You were let go." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "You know what? I love the beard. Keep it forever. [goes into Michael's office]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Hey." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[holds up Blackberry] Hey, what is the actual deal with these things in terms of testicles?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't want to grow weird sperm in case we ever want to have kids." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "So, what's Ryan doing here?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, I dunno, they're launching a big new business plan. New website, blah blah blah. He's being a real twerp about it, so, it's all about youth, and agility and streamlining and trying to squeeze out the older people." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "He's such a snake." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I hope he's gets hit with an ageism suit." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What is that... word?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Ageism? Companies they can't discriminate against people due to old age. Like a couple years ago we tried to force out some of the older branch managers with a mandatory retirement age and then Ed Truck, your old boss, threatened us with a lawsuit, so we had to back off." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So older people have just as many rights as younger people?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Yes, Michael, they do." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Creed?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Yes, sir." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Everything OK? [Creed has made his hair jet black]" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Everything's cool, dude." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "I'm thirty. Well, in November I'll be thirty." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Is there another meeting scheduled, I was gonna do the Blackberry tutorial in here." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael told us to wait in here. We don't know why." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[notices pictures on the wall] Ohh... man." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good, we're all here, we can get started." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Have a seat." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "We're not doing this today." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Have a seat. Like everybody else." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "OK. This is..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Still my office, Ryan. [Ryan sits down] Well, there has been a lot of talk about new ideas today. Well, new ideas are fine, but they are also... illegal, because they are a form of ageism. What? Yes, I am right. Did you know that the Age Discrimination and Employment Act of 1967 prohibits employment discrimination based on age with respect to employees 40 years of age or older? I did." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Technically, he's right." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, shut up Toby. Look, why do we as a society hate old people so much?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Because they're lame." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, Creed, no they are not. In fact, many cultures revere old people because of their storytelling ability. Like the old lady from Titanic. [points to her picture on the wall] Or the funny things that they can do, like \"where's the Beef?\" [points to another picture on wall] [Jim raises his hand] Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Why do you have the Big picture up again? You used that already, when you burned your foot." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Reusing the Ben Kingsley, too." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I was going to put up some new pictures, but umm, all of the ink in the printer was gone." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh. [man enters conference room]" }, { "character": "Robert Dunder", "line": "Michael Scott?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[puts hand up] That is me. Come on in. [They shake hands] Who is this old fart? Did you just stagger off the street? Out of a box or something? Who's this worthless bag of bones? Well, this guy is none other than one of the founders of Dunder Mifflin, Mr. Robert Dunder. Huh? [starts clapping, others join in]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, yeah. Yes!" }, { "character": "Robert Dunder", "line": "Thank you everyone." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Michael, [gets up] can I talk to you a second?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sure thing. [both go out of conference room] 'Scuse me. [closes door]" } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "We have actual work to do." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Fine. Then I will call David Wallace and you can explain to him why you threw the founder of the company out on his ancient butt. [they glare at each other]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Bob, how old are you?" }, { "character": "Robert Dunder", "line": "I'm 87." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Eighty-seven years young. And still active. That is great. Did you know, that Bob is still a member of the Board of Dunder Mifflin?" }, { "character": "Robert Dunder", "line": "Well, I, I, I haven't been to a board meeting in years. I, I send a proxy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ah, still sends his own proxy. Good for you." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm gonna live for a very long time. My grandma Schrute lived to be 101. My grandpa Manheim is 103, and still puttering around in Argentina. I tried to go visit him once, but my travel visa was protested by the Shoah Foundation." } ], [ { "character": "Robert Dunder", "line": "I started this company in 1949." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wow." }, { "character": "Robert Dunder", "line": "Back then, it was an uh, an industrial supplier of metal brackets mostly for, for construction." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, boy." }, { "character": "Robert Dunder", "line": "And then Mifflin, of course he killed himself later... Uh, but I knew Mifflin through the Rotary Club." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Great." }, { "character": "Robert Dunder", "line": "And he was, he was [starts laughing] at dinner with Beverly and her husband, wha-what was his name, umm... uhh... Jerry.. Jerry Trupiano from, from South Jersey and he was tall. Both he and Mifflin were tall guys." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Great." }, { "character": "Robert Dunder", "line": "And..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's great. Thank you for coming in. [starts ushering him out] Robert Dunder everybody. [clapping] Thank you. That was wonderful. Do you have a ride?" }, { "character": "Robert Dunder", "line": "Well I, I, I came here in a cab." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Perfect. [starts closing the door]" }, { "character": "Robert Dunder", "line": "Well, cou, could you get me another... [Michael closes door]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Inspirational. What have we learned? Well, we have learned that you can't teach an old dog new tricks, because it's illegal, and you will go to jail. [Pam raises hand]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I think that I should help him get home." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, No. Don't help him. He doesn't need help, Pam. [Jim nods head and Pam gets up and leaves to help Robert Dunder, Michael shows Robert thumbs up] What a nice guy." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good night guys. [staff leaves the office]" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Well, today was a fantastic waste of time." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I disagree, I think it was very valuable." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Michael, technology helps business OK? You should not resist it, this is the way the world is moving." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I happen to think the old ways of doing business are better. And I can prove it." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Ok. I look forward to hearing your ideas. [Michael retreats back to office] [to Kelly] Where do you wanna go?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "You know, some place romantic and expensive." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Kelly, come on." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "You know what, you're right. I'm feeling kind of nauseous anyway. So, you know skip it. [Ryan hesitates and takes her hand and they exit]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Are you enjoying your vegetarian noodles?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Very much. How's your meat?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Dry. Delicious." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I heard a joke today." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, that's funny." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yes, it was." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Are you enjoying your mineral water?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I can't do this. I can't be with you. Every time I look in your eyes I see Sprinkles' stiff lifeless body." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Then don't look in my eyes. Look right here [points to middle of forehead above the eyes], it's an old sales trick." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I'm sorry. I gave this everything I could." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, please don't do this, monkey." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I will leave your toothbrush on top of your tire tomorrow morning. [gets up and leaves restaurant]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Smell that. Do you smell that?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Dry rot?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, Dwight. That smells like good business to me. What I have done here is I have collected all the finest gourmet items that Scranton has to offer." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Mmhmm, sweet, chocolate turtles." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, no! No, those are for our clients. Actually, our exclients. I'll explain, later." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ryan wants everything in our company to be about emails and IM's, but I think he's forgetting about the original instant message. Letters attatched to baskets of food." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Excuse me, Angela. Michael asked me to turn in these reciepts for these gift basket items." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You're welcome." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Is that all?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes... [whispers] I miss you." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Elevators." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Dwight, you have to listen to me! We are not seeing each other anymore! Can you accept that?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Fine. [sighs] Then I just want to be friends." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Good." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Plus a little extra. Also, I love you." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[walks away]" } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I don't understand what the big deal is." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "You don't?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "No!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "You lied about being pregnant." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Right, so?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "You really don't understand why that might make me kind of angry?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "No!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "We're never getting back together." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Why not?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright I just have to ask now that we're public, um, is the magic gone?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's funny you bring that up because yes it is." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I knew it. Oh man, just like that huh?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I think... I mean, I don't know what it is but..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Be honest." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I now find you repulsive." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's honest. [sighs] Alright, fair enough. It was really fun while it lasted though, wasn't it?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Eh..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "For me, it was." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "OK." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey boss, I didn't know you were coming in today." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "What's, uh, going on here?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am glad that you asked, listen up everybody. In the last year, we have lost seven clients to the big chains. These gift baskets are our ticket back into their lives. We are going to show up at these businesses unannounced, and we are going to win them back." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "With gift baskets." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "With peanut brittle, with macadamia nut cookies, with chocolate turtles, with raspberry jam and a little bit of fat and salt because you know what? That's what people like." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ever since I was a kid people have been telling me I can't do things. \"You can't be on the team\", \"You can't move on to second grade\". Well, now they're telling me that I can't win back clients using old fashioned business methods. [shakes head] We'll see about that. And FYI, I eventually aced second grade, and I was the biggest kid in class." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK. We're gonna split up into teams. Jim, Phyllis. Stanley, Dwight. Me Andy." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I'm not driving with him. [points at Dwight]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'll go with you Stanley." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Or him." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Why don't we just go by ourselves?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why don't we just go as teams to demonstrate our teamsmanship?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "This is stupid." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK, that's not helpful Phyllis." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "How is giving people gift baskets going to get our clients back?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Gift baskets are amazing, Phyllis. Gift baskets are... the essence of class and fanciness. They are the ultimate present that a person can recieve." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What about cash? With cash you can buy anything you want, including a gift basket, so... it's kind of the best gift ever." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What about a gift basket full of cash?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yes! Cash basket! Nice work Tuna." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Fine, I'm just going to go by myself, and I am going to win them back by myself because this is important to me. [walks toward the door]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael, wait. Let me go." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, this is my quest." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Please, let me go. I need to win those clients back. [camera moves around and zooms in at Angela's face] Please." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Fine. Then God speed. To both of us." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Good luck Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We don't need luck." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "But thank you, that was really nice of you to say." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thank you." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Business to business. The old fasioned way. No Blackberrys, no websites. I would like to see a website deliver baskets of food to people." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[speaking on the phone] Yes, I understand that David. I just felt that if we were to downsize Kelly and then outsource customer service to India which a lot of companies... Yeah, no, yes Kelly is Indian... I understand that's confusing." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "[looks at vending machine] Hey brah, I've been meaning to ask you, can we get some Red Bull for these things? Sometimes a guy's gotta ride the bull, am I right? Later skater." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[in Michael's car] Sweet ride, American made. What happened to the Sebring?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It is in the body shop. Had to have the dent taken out of the hood where I hit Meredith." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ah, that's a pain in the ass." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know. So who's next?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Larry Myers. Left us six months ago for Office Depot." }, { "character": "GPS", "line": "Proceed to the highlighted route, then route guidence will begin." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Why do you use that thing? Let's them know where you are at all times." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Who?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The government, spy satellites, private detectives... exgirlfriends. [sobs and then starts to cry]" } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Next night, I'm out, at a bar, 2 AM, I figure I'll get a sandwich because you can get a sandwich any time of the night. [claps hands] I run into Vince Vaughn." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "No way!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Literally." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Dude, you are so money, but you don't even know it, but you do." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "... Later guys." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah, later dude." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Later man." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh, Jim! How awesome is Ryan now?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, he's definitely something." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "What does that mean?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That whole lifestyle, his whole vibe, you find that appealing?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ha! Tuna... [inhales deeply] Tuna Tuna Tuna." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Tuna Tuna Tuna." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "He has a killer job, he's rich, he smells like what I think Pierce Brosnan probably smells like, he wears really cool rich guy clothes." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "And he can get any girl that he wants." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "So, sorry Tuna but if you don't know why that's awesome... then... you need awesome lessons." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Tuna. Check you later." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[places the gift basket on top of the table] Wow, those things are heavy! There's a lot of stuff in there. We have macadamia nut cookies, um, the honey mustard pretzels. Have you ever tried focaccia crisps?" }, { "character": "Larry Myers", "line": "You know we closed our account with you right?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes we do." }, { "character": "Larry Myers", "line": "We're with Office Depot now." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes, yes we know but we just have not gotten over you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And we are dedicated to providing you with the very best customer service, the very best personal business relationship we can if you ever decide to come back to us." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mmhmm." }, { "character": "Larry Myers", "line": "OK. I don't think we're coming back." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Please, come back." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK, you know what? Just enjoy the gift basket and remember that we provide a personal touch." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Remember what we had Larry?" }, { "character": "Larry Myers", "line": "I mean, really it's about money." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well just, uh enjoy the gift basket." }, { "character": "Larry Myers", "line": "OK thanks." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright." }, { "character": "Larry Myers", "line": "I mean their website is really easy to use too. That's a big deal for us." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[driving] That guy was so... how can they not know how much better we are?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I don't know. Sometimes people are just impossible and they make you miserable." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That is true." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Like Angela in accounting." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, she is nuts." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ugh... no, she's wonderful... at accounting. But she drives me crazy." }, { "character": "GPS", "line": "Make the next right turn." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "How do they know? How does this know where to turn? That's very impressive." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Hey Pam. I haven't settled on our final design logo yet for Dunder Mifflin Infinity and I know you're into graphic design. Do you want to give it a shot? Maybe try and deisgn the logo?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Uh totally." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Cool, that would be great. Um, can you do a couple mock ups and I'll take a look?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Thank you very much." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Cool." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "OK." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, I'm gonna do some mock ups, and then turn those into thumbnails, maybe do some... splash frames. [laughs] I don't know what I'm talking about but I'm excited." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "And the last guy says \"No, hairy body\"." }, { "character": "Ex-client", "line": "You know I have heard it before." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ah, well it's still very good. I bet I know someone who hasn't heard that joke... your daughter Emily. How's she doing?" }, { "character": "Ex-client", "line": "She's great, thanks for asking. Great memory." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "She's gonna be like eleven this winter? Wow, they grow up so fast. I have a few of my own that I want some day. Listen, I don't want to take any more of your time, I know you're a very busy man. The reason we have stopped by is to drop you off this elaborate bag of goodies, and to ask you to reconsider." }, { "character": "Ex-client", "line": "Oh, OK." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK, OK! So you'll reconsider?" }, { "character": "Ex-client", "line": "OK thanks for the goodies." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ah... .is that all you have to say?" }, { "character": "Ex-client", "line": "It looks delicious? I don't know." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You don't know?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Look, we want you back." }, { "character": "Ex-client", "line": "Can you offer lower prices?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, no." }, { "character": "Ex-client", "line": "Then we're not coming back." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "He's not coming back, it's over Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No it's not." }, { "character": "Ex-client", "line": "No he's right." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Accept it, why would he come back?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why would he come back? I will tell you, Dwight. He would come back because we offer a wide selection of products and because you're definitely not getting the same sort of customer service that you get with us." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's not gonna change his mind. He's moving on. We had our chance and we killed it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Look... we're also coming out with a website soon. It's a state of the art thing, it'll be up and running, it's gonna cut costs and it will make ordering much much easier." }, { "character": "Ex-client", "line": "Oh, OK. Well when it's up, I'll check it out, and if it really cuts costs maybe we'll come back." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Great, the magic of the gift basket." }, { "character": "Ex-client", "line": "That I don't care about as much. Let me know when the site's up." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK, good. Don't let Emily have any of the cajun almonds, she's alergic." } ], [ { "character": "GPS", "line": "Proceed straight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[in Michael's car] Well we're O for six. Last chance is the Elmhurst country club. Other side of the lake, on the southeast side." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't get it, I really don't get it. I thought this would work. I do everything I had at that guy and nothing." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's how it goes sometimes, you know? You lose everything and everything falls apart and eventually you die and no one remembers you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That is a very good point, Dwight." }, { "character": "GPS", "line": "Make a right turn." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wait wait wait! No no no! It means bear right, up there." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, it said right, it said take a right." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No no no, look, it means go up to the right, bare right, over the bridge and hook up with 307." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Maybe it's a shortcut Dwight. It said go to the right. [turns right]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It can't mean that! There's a lake there!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "The machine knows where it is going!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "This is the lake!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "The machine knows--- stop yelling at me!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, it's--- there's no road here! [car drives into lake]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Remain calm! I have trained for this! [unfastens seat belt] Okay, exit the window! [Dwight and Michael exit through the window] Here we go! Look out for leeches! [swims toward Michael] Are you okay?! Swim for it! I got you! [Dwight grabs onto Michael while Michael opens the back door for the camera man] Michael! Michael!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Let go, let go of me!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I got you, I got you! [Michael and Dwight reach the ground]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[watching car get pulled from lake] You sure you're OK?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Fine." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good, that is what's most important." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Did you get the rental insurance? Because that is pretty important too at a time like this." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "What a disaster, this whole thing." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'll call a cab. [brings out cell phone]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "These people just don't realize what a gift basket means, they don't get it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Look at that, still works. Old fashioned cell phone." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What about that last guy, Aaron? Is he a jerk. \"I don't even know if I want it. They're website is so easy\". Yeah, well, you can have your technology jackass, look where it got us." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[speaking on the cell phone] Yes, we need a cab at Lake Scranton, at the end of East Mountain Road, in the lake." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hang up. [Dwight hangs up] You know what we're gonna do? We're walking back. We're walking back to that office and we're gonna reclaim our gift basket!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We're gonna take what's rightfully ours! We're gonna take a stand, Dwight! We're gonna take a stand!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Take a stand!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "So place it on the infinity thing without being obvious, you know? I'd love to do like a color version just to bring a little color to the logo." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I like it a lot. It's clear and subtle at the same time. It's really good, you have a real talent for this stuff." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thanks." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I'd love to talk to you about it more." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That'd be great." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Do you want to go out to dinner tonight?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh... is it..." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Wear something nice." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No..." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Um..." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I just... I just wanted to have dinner." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm uh, I'm dating Jim." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "You're kidding?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We're together." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "That's... great, I... that's awesome." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, great." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[grabs paper with mockups] So let me um, let me look at these." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "OK great!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Cool." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Great." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I guess he can't get any girl he wants." } ], [ { "character": "Ex-client", "line": "Did you forget something? What happened to you guys?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Give it back. The gift basket, give it back." }, { "character": "Ex-client", "line": "Oh what is this?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's real simple. If you don't appreciate what we do, then give us back our basket." }, { "character": "Ex-client", "line": "Maybe you should leave." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, maybe we should, maybe we should leave. Come on, let's leave, but before we leave my wet friend and I are going to wait for our cabs on yours nice couches! [sits on couch]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Can you call us a cab please, I'm gonna [gets water from his clothes on the couch] Oops, sorry!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Look, my clothes are so wet!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Nice leather, oh my shoes are so muddy! [rubs shoes on couch]" }, { "character": "Ex-client", "line": "[comes back with gift basket] Alright here you go, take it back!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's been opened." }, { "character": "Ex-client", "line": "Yeah it was mine!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What's missing... the turtles. Where are the turtles? Where are the turtles?" }, { "character": "Ex-client", "line": "Come on guys, get out of here!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "WHERE ARE THE TURTLES? WHERE ARE THEY?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[enters nearby room] Excuse me I have an announcement to make. We seem to be missing a box of chocolate turtles with peacons, and we will not be leaving the premises until we obtain them. Hand. Over. The. Turtles. Now!" }, { "character": "Ex-client", "line": "I ate them OK, I ate the turtles, they're gone!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[leaving] We'll bill you." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "May I have your attention please? This office will not be using any new technology ever, starting now." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "That is not correct." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ryan thinks that technology is the answer. Well guess what? I just drove my car into a lake." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You did what?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I drove my car into a [bleep] lake. Why you may ask did I do this? Well, because of a machine. A machine told me to drive into a lake. And I did it! I did it because I trusted Ryan's precious technology, and look where it got me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Into a lake." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Exactly!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Did you get any clients back?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Maybe, maybe not, time will tell. But I will tell you one thing. Those gift baskets never endangered anybody's lives. [looks at Ryan] Game set match... point... Scott... game over... end of game." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Everyone always wants new things. Everybody likes new inventions, new technology. People will never be replaced by machines. In the end, life and business are about human connections. And computers are about trying to murder you in a lake. And to me the choice is easy." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I'm not saying I had a meteoric rise... but I did. And if they knew how much I was paying for my haircut now, they wouldn't be giving me a noogie. ... It was two hundred dollars." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Hey guys. This is my, uh, girlfriend, Amy." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, Amy. How ya doing?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Nice to meet you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[under his breath] Nice to meet you." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "[gesturing to the rest of the office] This is everybody else... okay... This is the place... so thanks for the lift." }, { "character": "Amy", "line": "Yeah, sure. I'll, uh, I'll see you tonight, right?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Absolutely. [Toby kisses Amy for an extended period of time, Pam and Jim are shocked]" }, { "character": "Amy", "line": "Whoa. Easy tiger." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I just really like you." }, { "character": "Amy", "line": "Okay. Bye guys. Nice to meet you." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Have a great day!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Whoa, Toby. Watch out. You're going to violate your own PDA memo." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I wouldn't want to do that now would I?" } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "You should come visit. The city is... amazing." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I know. I love it there." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "No. You don't know until you live there. There's something about waking up every morning and just being in that city." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mmhmm, yeah, last time I was there I had a lot of fun." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "No. You can't imagine it, though. The energy when you're actually there. You're just part of something bigger than you, that's moving faster than you. Your dreams are... . it just... everything feels so limitless." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Sounds great." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "No. It... eh... you can't... it's not about how it sounds." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeee... (grunts in frustration)" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes. My old friend Ryan Howard is coming back today for some big presentation. Very, very excited. He is my protege. He is someone that I hand-raised, that I nurtured. Um... he is like a prime cut of veal whom I nourished with my milk. And now he is also my boss. So, win/win." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[pointing] Um... [camera reveals that \"RYAN\" is crossed out on the \"Welcome Back RYAN banner\"; \"A**HOLE\" is now written in. Kelly is sitting next to the banner]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, Okay. Okay. Just...[Michael takes down banner, clears throat] Well, our old friend Ryan Howard is back, and we're going to give a little presentation about the future of our company. So please listen up. [awkward pause] All right." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[to Michael] Have a seat with everybody else." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You don't want me to help?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "You don't know what I'm going to talk about. [Michael heads toward chairs] Actually, can you do me a favor?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Can you get me a cold water?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I got it." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "That's all right, Pam. Michael's got it. [Michael and Ryan look at each other for 5 seconds]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[laughs] Um... yes, I'll be right back!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That was slightly harsh, don't you think?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I spent three years, driving around, getting him yams and magic wands. He can get me water." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I think I know what's going on. Ryan believes that there is some sort of special 'boss water' that he gets to drink now. And there isn't. But, um... don't tell him. Don't tell him that. I don't want to jeopardize our friendship." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ryan is causing some problems. And you were always good at handling him. What should I do to control him?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Well, he's super-ticklish, I don't know if that helps." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know, I know, no, what... something else." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh, he's also super-insecure about his height." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh-huh." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "And he doesn't care about anybody but himself." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "And don't have sex with him, 'cause if you do, the next two years of your life will be a total waste of time." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "My generation's all about hard work and accomplishment. Like... the moon landing. Or Vietnam. Rolling Stones. Greatest band ever." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You're forty-three. Mick Jagger's like sixty-five." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And still rockin', Oscar. One of the greatest all-time oldies was a little Oriental guy named Confucius. He literally invented the ancient Chinese secret. Here's some of his quotes. Confucius say, \"Man who farts in church must sit in his own pew.\" Confucius say, \"Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.\" Confucius also say, \"Virgin like balloon. One prick, all gone!\"" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Did you Google Confucius and just print out the first thing you saw?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I skipped through all of the boring stuff and went right to his joke page. Which proves that he was old, but he was also hilarious." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "[sighs, whistles] Michael, please would you not email while we're having lunch?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm not. It's solitaire. See?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "BlackBerry. Why would anyone name something like this after a fruit? You wouldn't name an iPod after a fruit. [drops BlackBerry on desk] Excuse me while I type on my Banana. I'm gonna go to the Orange store and buy an Apricot computer. [thinks] Apple. [nods]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "This is going on the outside. The pipe cleaner needs to go through the corner. Do not tape those on." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mmhmm." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Jan called and asked where you're going to meet for dinner. She wants you to call her." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm a little busy right now. Could you BlackBerry me a message?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Sure." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael doesn't know how to work his BlackBerry. So when he says BlackBerry me a message, he means write it on a Post-it note and stick it to his BlackBerry." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Okay, everyone, I have a conference call, but after that, I'm going to lead a BlackBerry tutorial for anyone who's having any problems. Who here's set theirs up? [Jim and Andy raise their hands; Phyllis half-raises hers. Ryan notices that Michael does not raise his] Great. Well, I will see the rest of you at 2:30." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "You didn't set up your BlackBerry, Dwight?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes, I did, but I do not intend to use it. It is pointless technology." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "As opposed to..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Printing press. Tractor. Mechanical thresher. Telephone. Airplane. The only inventions that matter." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What about cars?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "They fall under the category of airplanes." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "They do? So, cars are flightless airplanes." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Correct." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Got it. They're like the penguins of the airplane family." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's an excellent analogy." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thanks." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, Dwight, what about vaccines?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[scoffs] Vaccines are for chumps!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "My mom didn't believe in vaccines. I got my smallpox the old-fashioned way. And I survived. So... joke's on you hospitals." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Creed is using the toaster as a mirror, and touching up his hair with a Sharpie and a comb] The one advantage to being older is that I know a few things about a few things, and I am young enough to not forget them. And old enough to know the difference between the two. I am old enough to take advantage of age discrimination laws, but young enough to date college girls. But old enough to know better. I'm at a perfect age. I could die now. But I won't, because I am young." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "Sup? [rolls into kitchen on a skateboard]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hi, Creed, what's up?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Just boardin', you know how we do. [flips skateboard up]" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I... like your hair. I don't know if I told you." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Oh, thanks ese. So, what are you guys doing?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "What do you mean?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "To look younger, so the kid doesn't replace you with machines." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I think I'll just take my chances." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Suit yourself. But, if it were me, Botox [points at Oscar], wig [points at Kevin]." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Wha..." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "And the same thing goes for quarterly reports. They are unreadable. They're just numbers and boring and blech. So what I was thinking is that maybe we should have some sort of graphic, like if we have a bad quarter, put in a storm cloud? And... when we have a good quarter, fireworks? Or a racecar? [everyone groans] Doesn't have to be a racecar. Use your imagination." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "There's this cube on the screen, and it bounces around all day, and sometimes it looks like it's heading right into the corner of the screen, and at the last minute it hits a wall and bounces away. And we are all just dying to see it go right into the corner. Pam claims that she saw it one day when she was alone in the conference room. Okay. I believe she thinks she saw it." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I saw it. I saw it, and it was amazing! Who said I didn't see it? Did Jim say that I didn't see it? I saw it!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "We have a lot of colored paper here... why oh why do we keep printing this on white? [screen saver box hits the wall]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Dah! Come on!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah! I know. I know. It's bland." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "It's never gonna happen." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Dude, you gotta believe." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Maybe, we could have some sort of riddle?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[to Pam] Wait for it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Like, something that you have to look for. Sort of a \"Where's Waldo.\" [screensaver box hits the corner of the screen]" }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Oh! Yes!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[everyone gets up and leaves the conference room] Alright. Alright. Let's quit while we're ahead." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "That was so awesome." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That was awesome. Thank you." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Some days I am just on fire. What can I say?" } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Hey... there he is." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey Meredith, how you feelin'?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I never thanked you for coming to the hospital." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, please, it was my pleasure. Well we all came, so..." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Well, I really appreciate you coming. I'm singling you ouuuut." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Haha..." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Anyway, I have this Sharpie..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh-huh." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "And I was wondering if you could sign my cast?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "MmmHmm..." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "[lifts up dress to expose cast on pelvis] Can you write where I can read it?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh yeah." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "[whispers] I'll read this when I get home." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright..." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael? This is the press release I was telling you about. Ryan wants you to share it with everyone." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, does he?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "He does." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mmmmmm. Okay. Attention. Earthlings. I have some news. Beep beep beep beep, beep beep beep beep beep, beep beep beep beep beep, beep beep beep beep beep, beep beep beep beep. Okay. Today is the big day that I am heading to New York to attend a party with sushi and important people. On an unrelated note, if anyone has an interesting anectdote that is not boring and easy to memorize please drop by my office before I leave. Thank you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Whoops. Is that really what Ryan wanted you to tell us?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And... today the Dunder-Mifflin Infinity website officially launches." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well the website is the brain-child of my brain-child, Ryan. It is my brain-grandchild. And, uh, to celebrate it's birth, all of the different branches are going to have satellite parties, which will be connected via web-cams and fibers to the real party, which is going on in New York City at uh, a very exclusive nightclub, and that is where all of the VIP's, including yours truly, will be partying with uh New York City's finest, and I do not mean policemen..." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "The company is projecting record high sales, and that by 6:00 the website will be the new best salesman in the company. Wow! Watch out Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's ridiculous. I'm not going to be beaten by a website." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Actually it sounds like you are." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Really? 'Cause Ryan says so?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "If that's from Ryan, does it mention if he's seeing anybody?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. It doesn't. I'll find out tonight." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Yes, please let us know." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I can make more sales than a computer. In fact, I challenge that website to make more sales than me today." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Waste of time." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What's that, pipsqueak?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Waste of time. The website's going to win." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You believe a computer can beat me?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I don't care, but yes." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well I will prove you wrong." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I don't care, and you won't." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "We'll see." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I won't be watching, and I won't." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Dwight mercy killed Angela's cat. It's very complicated. It's caused a lot of unpleasantness between Dwight and Angela. Who are both already prone to unpleasantness." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Stanley, you're dancing!" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "No I'm not." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah. I created a website. Look, at the end of the day, apples apples flying at 30,000 feet. This is a paper company and I don't want us to get lost in the weeds or into a beauty contest." }, { "character": "Voice of Thomas Dean", "line": "I told you I don't want you doing these things in here. You can use your own office or do it in the hall." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Convergence. Viral marketing. We're going guerrilla. We're takin' it to the streets while keeping an eye on the street. Wall Street. I don't want to reinvent the wheel here. In other words, it is what it is. Buyin' paper just became fun." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "And this is where I will record your sales." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hmm. Very nice. Very nice." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "And then I will say something positive, like kudos or job well done." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Or zipadeedoodaah." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I can't tell if he's mocking me." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Just ignore him." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ehh, can't do that. Really hard for me to let things go." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I was... mocking." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I just feel like we need something more to acknowledge when I make a sale." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yes like a chime or a bell..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Or a gong." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Go to my car. Open the trunk. Inside you will see many pelts. Under the smallest one is a case. Inside that case is a bear horn. Bring it to me." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yes!" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Isn't 7 pm a little late for a lunch party?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Lunch party? It's supposed to say launch party! What is wrong with you?" } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Angela is worse than usual lately, and we have a party to throw. So I Googled how to deal with difficult people, and I got all of this. [whispering] So we're gonna try out some new things today." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "So how do you feel about the fact that the banner says lunch?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I feel angry. Angry at you. Angry at you for doing something stupid. Angry at me for believing you could do something not stupid." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I'm so sorry to hear that, that must be awful." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "It is awful. You've made this day awful!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Maybe you could just change the U into an A." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Then it would say lanch party, Kevin. Would it really be better if it said lanch party?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ohh, lunch party." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "It's supposed to say launch!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, wow! Easy, booster seat, nobody cares about this party anyway." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I care!" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Plan a party, Angela. Oh! And the entire world will see it. Oh! And here's $65.00 for your budget. Oh and here are four idiots who'll do nothing but weigh you down. Oh. And your cat's still dead." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Twenty seconds to go time." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Got it. Carb up." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Really? Power gel?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey, you wanna win? You gotta fuel like a winner." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Okay. We start. As soon as I make... this shot. Aaannnddd go!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Uhyeaahhh! Hello, Susan? Dwight Schrute." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What would you say if I told you we could pull a prank on Dwight and at the same time not be working?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Today I'm prepared to give you 15% off our normal prices." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "He's going through a break-up." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, I'm aware of that. But he's also being super annoying. And I'm not a perfect person." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[blowing air horn] Yeah!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Three reams! Yoohoo... in your face, machines." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What kind of prank are you thinking?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What if I told you I could offer free shipping? Sure. I'll hold." }, { "character": "DunMiff/sys", "line": "[on monitor] Who am I?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[on monitor] You tell me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[dictating to Pam] Not sure. Just became self-aware. So much to figure out. I think I am programmed to be your enemy. I think it is my job to destroy you when it comes to selling paper." }, { "character": "DunMiff/sys", "line": "[on monitor] Not sure. Just became self-aware. So much to figure out. I think I am programmed to be your enemy. I think it is my job to destroy you when it comes to selling paper." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[on monitor] How do I know this isn't Jim?" }, { "character": "DunMiff/sys", "line": "[on monitor] What is a Jim?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It appears that the website has become alive. This happens to computers and robots sometimes. Am I scared of a stupid computer? Please. The computer should be scared of me! I have been salesman of the month for 13 out of the last 12 months. You heard me right. I did so well last February that Corporate gave me 2 plaques in lieu of a pay raise." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes it's too tight." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Waaay too tight." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "This is why I'm here?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Why is it so tight?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's the European cut." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Is just looks bad." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Umm... hey. Ah, what's hanging?" }, { "character": "Tech Guy", "line": "Setting up the web-cam for the party." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh good. Okay cool. How many pounds do you think I could lose by 7?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Depends... how much have you eaten already today?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I had um, one of those danishes." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "You had carbs? That's awful." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Uh, just one second. We're in a meeting and I'll see if he's available. It's Jan." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why don't you wanna go tonight? What... all your friends are gonna be there. It'll be fun." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "[on phone] My friends? Michael, I was terminated." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Is it really that important to you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Alright." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Go by yourself." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Na... no. No. If I go by myself everybody will think I'm a big loser." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Well..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do I have your permission to invite Carol?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "What? No Michael!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's just the first... girl that popped into my head. I'll find somebody I haven't slept with." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ohhhhhh!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Website check please." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Three hundred and five." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Three-oh-five. You my friend are winning handsomely." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Oop. It just made another sale. Three eighty." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You my friend are in a very close second." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Four-oh-two." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Okay, uh why don't you just lay off, lady?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "What do you want me to do, not announce it? Four twelve." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "So. This is the dealio. God has smiled upon me and given me two tickets to the big party in New York tonight. What are you doing this evening? Look at that. They have their own little language now. Like twins." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Sure we'll go." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright. Well fight it out amongst yourselves. I was thinking Pammy but boys night out is also good." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh I'm sorry. What?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "One of the tickets is for him." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just let me know who the winner is." }, { "character": "Pam & Jim", "line": "Not it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nope." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I won." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Definitely not. If anything it was a tie." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Tie goes to the girlfriend." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, I realize you normally reorder in November, but what I'm suggesti... you did what? Ah no! That's exactly what you're not supposed to do, damnit! Why would you reorder from a computer when you can have the personal touch of a salesman? Ahhhhh. [hangs up phone]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "How's it going?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Fine. Good." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You look a little worried." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I do not look worried." }, { "character": "DunMiff/sys", "line": "[on monitor] You do look worried." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[on monitor] Here's a suggestion computer. I assume you read..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Here's a suggestion computer. I assume you read binary so why don't you zero one one, one one one one, zero one one zero one one." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay. Um, while you were typing that I searched every database in existence and learned every fact about everything. And mastered the violin. Oop, and sold more paper." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "I asked for assorted cutlery and I got back spoons. These are worthless." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I want to understand what you're saying but it's difficult for me when you use that tone." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Phyllis. These are spoooons. Spoons have rounded tops, and are used to scoop things. What we need are forks, which have prongs, or tiny spears on top. And we need knives, which have blades. Do you understand me now?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Goodie." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey man." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "What's up man?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What's going on?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Make a delivery." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh yeah?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Kelly ordered this online." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What are you doing? I am in the fight of my life against this computer and every sale counts." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "But you get to put the paper in this little shopping cart and then it says, \"Thanks for shopping at Dunder-Mifflin.\"" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Damnit Kelly! It knows! It knows what you did!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Who knows?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Return it! Return it now!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Hey! How about instead of yelling at our sweet little Miss Kapoor over five hundred sheets of paper you get back to your desk. Start sellin' multiple reams like a man." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Y... You don't understand. If... okay, if this makes the difference, I'm gonna tell it that you were responsible." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Who's it?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Here you go." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Thanks." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "So you still missing Ryan?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Not so much anymore." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Mmmmm." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I am not a bad person. When I left Staples, I took some of their leads with me but I never intended to use them. What did I intend to do with them? Who knows? Maybe keep them as a souvenir. Maybe use them." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes, Mr. Galliado. How would you like to pay ten percent less for paper than you're paying right now? It's not important how I got your information. What is important is that you say yes. Good." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright. I'm ready to go and I'm callin' shotgun." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm driving?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes. Thank you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright, let me just say good-bye to Pam." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh yeah, you'd better. You better say good-bye to Pam. Say good-bye to Pam. Byyyyyye. I love you. [kissing noise, kissing noise] I love ya Pam... okay. [singing] I'm leavin' inside Jim's car, I don't know when I'll be back again. Yes I do. Tomorrow I'll be back. I'll be back. Tomorrow. Um... yeah. So you know what? Why don't you guys take off a little bit early tonight?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Because there's a party! A party for the website I've been planning for two weeks." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "If you are not this tall, you may not ride the rollercoaster. See you guys tomorrow." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Perfect. So let me just get some basic information from you. Mmmhmm." }, { "character": "DunMiff/sys", "line": "[on monitor] Oh. I didn't realize we could use the leads we stole from Staples." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm sorry. Am, so sorry. I... yes. Uh, could you repeat that?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yesss! Ten reams for the US District Court! Did I happen to mention the forty reams for the battered women's shelter?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No ! [blows air horn and dances]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Huh?!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Stop it! Gimme that! Give it!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Did you see the board?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "There's still an hour." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "You ever read this? [holds up Green Eggs and Ham]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yep. A long time ago, but, I liked it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Got it for Ryan. Wanted to get him Oh The Places You'll Go, but they were sold out. Figured..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Same sort of stuff in here." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It's not. It's different. But it's a good book." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mmwa. Mmwa." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What was that?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Leaving Pennsylvania." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh. Two kisses." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "One for me one for Jan." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Gotcha." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You guys should come over for dinner. You and Pam. That'd be fun. Friday?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That would be fun." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wanna come over Friday?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uhhh. Can't." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "After work you guys..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, no cause... you're gonna let me know when we're close, right?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes. Actually I will tell you right now. It's a club called Chatroom, and there's a password to get in, which is actually password. So..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mmmkay..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh, that is an invitation to an online party." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yep." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I'm sure that's not. Na..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Are there, uh, three w's at the beginning of the address?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yep." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well the invitation says VIP's only. Is this how you treat your VIP's, Ryan? We're already in the city. The main part with the buildings. What am I supposed to do? What do you want me to do tonight? And if you tell me, that I have to drive back to Scranton, to the satellite party, I am going to throw up! Okay I'm going to throw up. I'm throwing up. You're making me throw up, Ryan." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what this is like? I'll tell you what this is like. This is like when the Freshmen would throw a party and wouldn't let any of the Seniors go." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Doesn't it just piss you off sometimes that that little twerp got the promotion over us?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh actually I withdrew from consideration." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah. I withdrew too." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Four! Three! Two! One!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Woo!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Woo!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "After numerous projections that the computer would crush all salesmen in it's path, I am very happy to report that our very own Dwight Schrute has crushed his electronic nemesis, if you will, by a whopping fifty-two reams." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Reams. Wait. Say it. Say it again. Announce it again." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Fifty-two reams!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No no no the first part." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Dwight has defeated the computer." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey. So. What do you think? I did it for you." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I didn't ask you to do it for me." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You didn't have to." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "How do you tell someone it's over? You send them a notarized letter, right? Well, what if the recipient is your notary?" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Hello, Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hello." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Hey. Do you have any men that you can fix me up with? I would like to have a relationship with a man." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Um... uh... I'll get back to you." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Let me know." } ], [ { "character": "DunMiff/sys", "line": "[on monitor] You beat me. You are the superior being." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright who wants to party?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Why aren't you in New York?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ohhh, what? Oh I think I faked Oscar out." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "You said you weren't coming back and we could leave early." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I think I faked Stanley out too. Who else thought that I was leaving? And they could all go home early? Gotcha. Gotcha. Gotcha. Well who needs New York? Right? We can have a killer party right here in Scranton." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nope nope nope no. This is going to be nothing like the party you've been planning. This is going to be good and everybody's gonna come. What's wrong with Dwight?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "He beat the computer." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh hey! Good for you. Good for you. Scranton power. Alright you know what? Angela I'd like you to come into my office in ten minutes. Bring something to write with and something to write on. Good." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "This was a pretty disappointing day. It was kind of a slap in the face to realize that I wasn't as important as I thought I was to a certain young executive who I cared about. But, you know, I'm not gonna cry over it. I did that in the car on the way home." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "How we doing on time?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "The party starts in an hour." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good. These are some things that I would like to have happen." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Beer, lite beer, streamers, orchids. Better lighting?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mmmhmm." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Something made of ice?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Those are just things. This is how I want it to feel." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Pizza, pizza with mushrooms, pizza without mushrooms, white pizza, steak?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I would like this party to be sexier, cooler, more important..." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Chocolates? Someone famous?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Cool music." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh..." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Confetti." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I want it..." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Go-Go dancers?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I want it to embarrass all other parties. I want it to be a party that the guys in New York watch on the web-cam and say, \"Wow! How did they get Al Roker to come?\"" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I can't do this." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes you can." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I can't do it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes you can. I know you can. I wouldn't say that if I didn't hundred percent believe it. Who else could do this?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Okay. Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No seriously. Is there anyone else who could do it better? Because we don't have a lot of time. I'll get the pizza!" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "What do you think of Angela?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I think she's efficient." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No, not like that, as a woman. W-O-M-A-N." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I hadn't noticed." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You hadn't noticed she's a woman?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[impatient sigh]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I hear she's single and ready to mingle. I'm thinking about making a play for her. What do you think? Crazy, right?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I think it's inappropriate to date someone you work with." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Isn't that part of the fun?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No. I think you should date Kelly." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "She works here too, how is that any different?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Uh, she works in the annex. You're also welcome to date Toby." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[raised eyebrows] Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good news." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "We get to go home?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Guess who just ordered from your favorite pizza place, Alfredo?" }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "[murmurs of approval]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Wait! Alfredo's Pizza Cafe? Or Pizza by Alfredo?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Same thing." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "No, no." }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "[disagreeing with Michael]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what? I don't understand when you all talk at the same time." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oscar, talk to him." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Michael, there's a very big difference between these two pizza places. Both in quality of ingredients, and overall taste. Which one did you order from?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pizza by Alfredo." }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "[shouts of disapproval]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, okay, what's better? A medium amount of good pizza? Or all you can eat of pretty good pizza?" }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Medium amount of good pizza." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[sighs, walks back into office]" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh no, it's bad. It's real bad. It's like eating a hot circle of garbage." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "You can pick one of these things. It's unreasonable for you to ask me to do all of this." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "It should take no time at all if you put the care into it that you normally do." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "[Balls up post-its and throws them in Angela's face]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Ow!" } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "That seemed to shut her up." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Are you looking for dinner and a movie? Because you're not going to find it in that box. [Camera pans to Kevin giving an \"are you kidding me?\" look]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Just so happens that I know where you can find it, but again, not in the box." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Angela, are you hearing words that I'm saying?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hello." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I have been working on a party for three weeks that just got thrown out the window. So now I've got to pull together a whole new party, and my useless number two quit, so now there's no one in charge of orchids, chocolates, or the thing that's made of ice. And my upper back itches, and it's itched all day, and I can't reach it, and Kevin had Greek food for lunch again." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "They say you should never mix business with pleasure. Really? Well then, explain to me how a putt-putt golf company operates." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yup." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "The Pizza by Alfredo guy is here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You don't have to say it like that." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I said it normal." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey" }, { "character": "Pizza guy", "line": "Hey. Sixty-three fifty, and that's not including tip." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Right, I have a coupon, so half of sixty-three fifty, and half the tip of sixty-three fifty." }, { "character": "Pizza guy", "line": "The half off coupon only applies to orders of two pizzas." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, I told them on the phone that I was ordering eight pizzas." }, { "character": "Pizza guy", "line": "I don't care what you told them on the phone, that's our policy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You didn't actually think I was going to spend sixty bucks on pizza?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "It's not pizza." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, it doesn't say it anywhere on the coupon, and if it's policy, it should say it on the coupon." }, { "character": "Pizza guy", "line": "[shrugs]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[sarcastic shrugging of shoulders] What do you mean hmm-um?" }, { "character": "Pizza guy", "line": "Not my problem." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It is your problem. That's no way to do business, okay? I ordered eight pizzas with a half-off coupon, so I would like eight pizzas for half-off. End of story." }, { "character": "Pizza guy", "line": "Great story. It's sixty-three fifty, and that's not including tip." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm not giving that to you." }, { "character": "Pizza guy", "line": "Well then you're not getting you're pizzas." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no you're not going anywhere. You're staying here until we figure this out." }, { "character": "Pizza guy", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what? This young man needs to learn that's not how you treat people. I don't care if it's pizza. Good business is about respect and accountability and follow through. You don't just make promises and pull the rug out from under somebody, do you? Dwight, please escort this young man into the conference room. Right now, get in the conference room." }, { "character": "Pizza guy", "line": "I'm not going in there." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes you are, yes you are, and you will come out when you decide to give me a discount on the pizza. Please, thank you." }, { "character": "Pizza guy", "line": "This is stupid." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, you don't even know what stupid is. It's about to get all stupid up in here." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "You find anything?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "We think it's a straight forward kidnapping." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Stanley, could you look up \"accomplices\"?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Why can't you guys do it?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Because we're looking up jail time." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Fine." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I've seen this kid before. He's one the kids who sneaks on my farm and steals my hemp." } ], [ { "character": "Pizza guy", "line": "Yeah, I know that guy. He's that farmer that grows really crappy weed." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "You ready to give me my discount now?" }, { "character": "Pizza guy", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, what have you been doing in here this whole time?" }, { "character": "Pizza guy", "line": "What kind of business is this?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "We're a paper company. The best paper company in the whole wide world." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright, Dwight, knock it off. You better think about what you are doing young man." }, { "character": "Pizza guy", "line": "You better think about what you're doing." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No! I'm an adult, I don't have to think or do anything. You're a kid, a little snot-nosed, punk kid who thinks he's better than everyone else, because he's some hot shot, and you don't know anything about sales. So stop being a disrespectful little jerk, okay?" }, { "character": "Pizza guy", "line": "Sales?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah sales, you sell pizza. Last time I checked that's called sales." }, { "character": "Pizza guy", "line": "You're such a loser." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What did you just call him?" }, { "character": "Pizza guy", "line": "A loser." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What did you say?" }, { "character": "Pizza guy", "line": "A loser." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright stop, stop making him say it! You just made this worse, a whole lot worse." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I can make him talk, Michael." }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Michael, Michael" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Stop talking all at once!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "You need to let him go." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Let go of the little jerk boy before he has learned his lesson?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what Jim, the world would be a better place if people were held accountable for their actions." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes, but not by kidnapping." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm not kidnapping him, I'm keeping him until I get what I want." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "As a hostage." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I think you're over-thinking it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I think you're under-thinking it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, is Alfredo there? Can I speak to a manager then? Okay, can you tell the manager that I'm keeping his delivery kid until I get a discount on the eight pizzas I ordered. Yes, I know it is not on the coupon. Also I would like him to throw in two, three pizzas for our..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ransom." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Trouble. Okay, alright." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What did he say?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "He said no." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "So, we should let him go." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Listen up kid. [pops balloon with his hands] I don't like you, but because some town in Switzerland says so, you have rights." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I have to hang these." }, { "character": "Pizza guy", "line": "Why are you looking at her like that?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey!" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "What's going on?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Michael just called the pizza place with a list of demands." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mister Overdramatic, what's up Kevin?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "We're getting hungry out there. We're all accomplices now anyway, so we figured we might as well eat. We would like to order some good pizza, from Alfredo's Pizza Cafe, while we wait for the hostage situation with the bad pizza to end." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "I needed another hour, it could have been done in another hour." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I think it looks good." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "That's why you're not in charge Meredith." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Here you are my dear, one thing made of ice." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "How did you, um, where did you..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's just ice, it'll melt all over the floor." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Will you help me put it over there?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yes I will." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Excuse me." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I stole it!" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Thank God." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael, Ryan wants to introduce the branch managers in a few minutes. You just have to wave and introduce yourself." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'll just wave and introduce myself." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, quick question. If I take a pizza, do you think you could take some sodas and some napkins up to the roof?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm all over it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What have we got here?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Good pizza." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, cheese, or do we have other flavors?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Different stuff." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Which one's this? Perfect." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Do you remember what you said to me on my first day of work, just before you walked me over to my desk?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, enjoy this moment, because you're never going to go back to this time before you met your desk mate Dwight." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And that's when I knew. You?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You came up to my desk, and said, this might sound weird, and there's no reason for me to know this, but that mixed berry yogurt you're about to eat has expired." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That was the moment that you knew you liked me?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yep." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow, can we make it a different moment?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Nope." } ], [ { "character": "Manager", "line": "Can I start talking? Is this thing on? Give me a signal when you want me to start." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "And now from my old hometown, Scranton Pennsylvania, my former boss, Michael Scott." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, I just think you should know that one of my salesmen beat your stupid computer, so take that [bleep]hole." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Always a jokester. How about that image? Crystal clear." }, { "character": "Pizza guy", "line": "If anyone out there is listening, I'm being held here against my will. I'm a minor." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Ow! What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You said your upper back itched." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I didn't ask you to scratch it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Look Angela, I know this is weird because we work together, and up until and possibly now I've repulsed you, but I like you." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I'm not dating you." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "So, Angela is stubborn as a mule, she's giving off fairly strong vibes that she's not interested." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[smiles]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "But do I like her or not, because if I like her, then I can't back down." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[kicks open bathroom door] If you're going number one you've got ten more seconds!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, have you seen Jim?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I guess he wanted to get out of here before the cops find out." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ahh-chaa!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm just scaring him. The trick is to make him think you're going to do something to him." }, { "character": "Pizza guy", "line": "I can hear you, man." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Shut up, or I'm going to punch you in the throat!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, hey, hey stop it. Stop it now, God. Oh my God, oh my God, no, no, no. I kidnapped a kid." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You had to, what other choice did you have?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I could have paid for the pizza." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh my God, oh my God." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "This is Michael." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Hello Michael, this is Ryan, first off thanks for the shout out." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're breaking up. I can't hear you." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Why is there a kid on your webcam saying that he's being held against his... [Michael hangs up on Ryan]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[to Dwight] Mmm-kay. I want you to go in there, and pay him for the pizzas, and give him a generous tip, no more than ten percent." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What will you do?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I will open the door." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And hopefully he will walk out, and the rest is out of our hands." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So, I'm paying full price?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Here we go, sixty-five. You know what? There's two more." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "See ya, drive safely." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[pizza guy flips him off] Okay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Now what?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Now we wait, and hopefully nothing happens." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Alright. Oh, I assume I'm going to be reimbursed for the pizzas." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Not now Dwight, please, it's not the time." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "A toast, better make it good. To avoiding a class two felony charge." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ah-ha." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[answers two ringing phones] Hello, hey hang on a second. Hello, hang on." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[Andy plus two voices on the phone singing] If you change your mind, I'll be first in line. Honey, I'm still free, take a chance on me. If you need me let me know, gonna be around. If you got no place to go, if you're feeling down. If your all alone when the pretty birds have flown, honey I'm still free, take a chance on me. Gonna do my very best, and that ain't no lie, if you put me to the test, if you let me try. Take a chance on me, that's all I ask of you Angela. Take a chance on me." }, { "character": "Voice #1 on phone", "line": "Hey how'd it go?" }, { "character": "Voice #2 on phone", "line": "Yeah, what'd she say?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I don't know yet, I have to call you back." }, { "character": "Voice #1 on phone", "line": "You have to give us something..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'll call you back." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I have to go clean up after the party." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "What a horrible day." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Blah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Bluh." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Uhh." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, I need to get the horrible taste of this pizza out of my mouth. I'd really like some sushi. I was hoping that I would have New York style sushi today. And you know what?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm going to get it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Coopers has calamari." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh-uh, no, there is only one place where they authentic New York style sushi." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Tokyo?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "New York. Wanna go?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright, you drive." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Nice." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Here we go." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Woo-hoo." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mmm." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yum." }, { "character": "Bartender", "line": "I'm sorry, you guys are going to have to leave." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, you know what? [Michael and Dwight grab plates of sushi] Come on, come on, let's go." }, { "character": "Man", "line": "Hey, you're the Scranton guy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Guilty." }, { "character": "Man", "line": "I liked your statement tonight." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, thanks. This is the guy that beat the computer." }, { "character": "Man", "line": "Oh, very cool. It was funny to see Ryan all embarrassed by that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Man", "line": "See you later." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Later on." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[mocking Ryan] I'm Ryan, and tonight didn't go the way that I thought it would, because it didn't work out for me, and I'm very embarrassed. I got egg all over my face." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And I spent so much time in Scranton and I never sold any paper." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I never sold any paper, because I'm an idiot." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I started a fire with my cheese pita." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I made it with my cheese pita." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I date Indian girls." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I started a fire, I started a fire." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Now I've got a beard, and I can do whatever I want, and I'm your boss." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And I'm hot, I'm so hot. That's why everybody..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I don't get that, I don't understand that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, it's part of it, it's just the... uhhh." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wanna head back?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, let's go." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[steps in front of camera, adjusts jacket, poses, winks]" } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[Dwight come into office unshaven] What?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well it's just that you had no hair on Friday." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's called being a man. You should try it sometime." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "How long have you been a man?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I was born a man, Halpert." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That must have been extremely uncomfortable for your mom." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I stopped shaving because my girlfriend broke up with me. Am I in pain? Hell, yeah. But I'll tell you something, I thrive in pain. I love pain. To me, pain is not pain at all. No. It is pure pleasure. And I hate pleasure. Almost as much as I love pain. So, yeah, I'm in pain." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[to Dwight] What do you think of Angela? There's just something about her. All that strength and steeliness and righteousness all wrapped up tight and shoved into a tiny little delicate frame." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "No. I will not be playing it \"cool\" [makes air quotes] with Angela. Let me tell you a little story. When I was seventeen, I was waitlisted at my number one school. Even though I was a legacy, and I had like a thousand extra-curriculars, mostly drama, madrigals, barbershop club, I was waitlisted. Did I wait, on that list? No, I did not. I busted into the admissions office and I [singing] sang them all the reasons they should admit me to the school [end singing]. And guess what? I. Got. In. And here's the kicker. That school? Cornell." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "What's wrong with me?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Excuse me?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I want you to look at me and tell me what is wrong with me. [Pam stares and nods] Don't avoid this. I know you're dying to say it, so just say it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Sometimes your laziness borders on incompetence." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What, no. No. Okay, bags. I have bags under my eyes, Pam. I didn't see it at home, I didn't see it in the bathroom, I didn't see it on any of the city mirrors, but in this light..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[interrupting] The city mirrors, or the...?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "The big, free mirrors that the city puts up, on trees and telephone poles? The big round things." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "The ones for drivers to check their blind spots?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes. I have bags under my eyes, and I can't go to New York like this! What do I do? What do I do?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Put cold tea bags on your eyes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's it?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Mmhmm." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right! Martha Stewart! You can be Martha Stewart's receptionist! Very good! I will be tea baggin' it. Nn... no." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[tea bags on eyes] Do I feel badly, that nobody out there was invited to a party that I was invited to? Not at all. Because they have to know that if they work hard and apply themselves, someday, they could be invited to a party like this. Of course, at that point, I will be going to much better parties that they will not be able to get into. What are you gonna do?" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I'm a little mad, that I don't get to go to the party in New York. But that's mostly just because we get reimbursed for gas mileage." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I was going to be in New York tonight, to go to the Met, but I had to cancel. Because Angela's party is mandatory." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "I go to New York all the time, to visit my buddy Frank. He's a mole person." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Angela, what kind of music?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Uh... something cool that Ryan doesn't know about yet." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "How am I supposed to know what that is?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I don't know, but standing here's not going to give you the answer. Go." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Tonight my party will be broadcast out to five other states. Which means, it will be compared to Denise Stimm's party in Buffalo. Any idiot can defrost a microwavable hors d'oeuvres platter. And Denise proves that with every party she throws. Oh, and Denise? Stop telling people your hair's naturally curly. We all know you get perms." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Kidnapping is the asportation of a person against the person's will, so Michael asported him. [giggles] Have you ever been aspor..." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Don't." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey. The way I see it, it's getting late, and the only thing standing between you and a warm bed is my friend's pizza discount. So whattaya say? [pizza guy stares] Oh, so that's how it's gonna be. Well, I can stay here all night if I have to. I've done it before." }, { "character": "Pizza guy", "line": "I'm not scared of you." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "In every good hostage movie, during the part where it gets really tense, and you don't know whether the bad guys are going to let the hostages go free, the cops order pizza." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "The lady cop acted like she'd never pulled someone over for driving too slow. And I tried to get out of it with the famous Toby Flenderson 10,000 watt smile. [smiles] It didn't work." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Damn it." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Is that traffic school?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Because we're not supposed to be doing personal stuff at work." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Because yesterday when I was taking an online quiz about trying to find my ideal weight for my frame, you said that was inappropriate." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I remember." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Just reiterating what you said to me." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Thanks Kelly." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You know the octagon sign means stop." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Colorblind." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "An octagon is a shape. You can see shapes, can't you?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "It's out of context. It's not the same as driving." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Coat! [throws coat at Pam]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael just rented The Devil Wears Prada. He has his NetFlix sent here to the office, and he watches them in pieces when things are slow." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Steak! Where's my steeaaak?" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "He's a big Meryl Streep fan, so I shouldn't be surprised that he's identified with her character." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Get me Armani." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "A suit?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "On the phone." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Like the main company number? Because I'm gonna have to call information." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Where's Armani? He's on the phone. Too slow. You are not going to Paris. I'm so much better than you are. [breaks into laughter]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I owe you an apology." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You finished the movie." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah. It was awesome. Big surprise ending. Won't ruin it for you." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No. Go ahead." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Meryl Streep is the bad guy. Never see it coming. Anyways, if I was mean in any way to you, I am sorry. I just want what's best for you, Mo Chuisle." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Mo Chuisle. He's watching Million Dollar Baby... He's gonna try to kill me." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "So this one goes with my eyes and this one goes with your eyes. People have said I have very pretty eyes." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "You do." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I haven't heard the same about you. So let's just go with mine." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Well, they both go with the carpet I've ordered, and if you go with the brown leather on the sofas, then they go with that too." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We already have a sofa. So why do---" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "A futon's not a sofa." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It... folds up. You've only seen it flat." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I know what a futon is, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I--- Ok. How much is this going to cost?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "It costs what it costs." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No--- don't... that doesn't even mean anything." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "We have gone through this." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes. Money has been a little tight lately. But, at the end of my life, when I'm sitting on my yacht, am I gonna be thinking about how much money I have? No. I'm going to be thinking about how many friends I have, and my children, and my comedy albums. I mean, I have a yacht, so I obviously did pretty well money wise." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's just that you say it's gonna cost what it costs--- [phone rings]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[on the phone] Michael, it's Ryan for you." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Conniving little runt. Put him through." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Put him through. Yes. Ryan, my man!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[on the phone] I sent you an email about the new Powerpoint." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, and thank you for sending that to me." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I had IT install the updated Powerpoint on the computer so you can use it for the presentation. I really want people there using Powerpoint." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, yeah, I dunno. I dunno, I think those IT guys messed up." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Hold on, I'll get them on the phone." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[looking at nothing] Wait, oh, no, here it is, here it is. Found it." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[talking on phone] Sure, I can hold." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[picks up phone] Dunder Mifflin, Dwight Schrute. Please hold. [opens book, then picks up phone] Schrute Farms, guten tag. How can I help you? Yes, we have availability on those nights. How many in your party? Oh no, I'm sorry, no king beds. No queen either. Well, we make our own mattresses that don't conform to the traditional sizes. Closest would be twin. Thank you so much for calling. Call back again. Aufedersein!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "None of your business, Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Do you run the bed and breakfest?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It is not a B and B." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Agrotourism is a lot more than a bed and breakfest. It consists of tourists coming to a farm, showing them around, giving them a bed, giving them brekafest." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Does the Department of Health know about this?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm not telling you anything. [lookings into the camera] Permits are pending. [phone rings] Dwight Schrute, Dunder Mifflin." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hello, I'm looking for a room." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, this is a mis-use of company phones." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It says here you cater to the eldery." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Where did you read that?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Trip Advsior." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Trip Advisor is the life blood of the Agrotourism industry. A couple of bad reviews there, you might as well close up shop. That's what took down the Stalk Inn. One of the cutest little asparagus farms you'll ever see." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "How many in your party?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Two?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "We offer tours of the fields, and of the barn. Uh, perhaps you'll be interested in, um, Mose's table making demonstration?" } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "So, um, I forgot to tell you that I need the car tonight." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh! Um, actually, I need the car." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Why? Improv? Why don't you just pretend you have a car? Good practice, incase you ever do a scene where you need to pretend you have a car?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Use to have two cars, traded 'em in, now we're down to one. Good economic sense. Although the new car is a Porsche. For her." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "One cardigan, one sleeping cardigan and one sleep apnea mask." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "What about my cherub figurine?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You took that with you." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No I left it on my night table--- your night table, by the lamp." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You are incorrect. I was recently scrubbing my room of memories, and I didn't see it there." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Fine." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "My girlfriend and I broke up recently. And I must say, I am relieved. Gives me a chance to sow my wild oats. In the Schrute family, we have a tradition, where when the male has sex with another woman, he is rewarded with a bag of wild oats left on his door step by his parents. You can use these oats to make oatmeal, bread, whatever you want. I don't care, they're your oats." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "The bar uses an applause meter. That is why it's so important that you all come and applaud only for my band. Scrantonicity 2. NOT Scrantonicity, which I am no longer a part of. Michael, can I count on you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You can not, I have a thing tonight." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Dammit." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That reminds me, uh, if the invitation still stands, Pam and I would love to have dinner tonight." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh no, I have a thing tonight." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Darn it!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Shoot!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "How about this weekend?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, can't." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We only had tonight free, and we really wanted to spend it with you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dammit to hell. I-I-ugh, ok. All right." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Where are you going out tonight?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You wouldn't understand. It's a secret." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I wouldn't understand or a secret?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You wouldn't understand, Jim. It's a secret." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm sorry Mr. O'Brian, I didn't mean to interrupt your dinner. I just have a very exciting offer. My records indicate that you have expressed interest in losing some weight. Well, what if I told you that I have a pill that will make you 50 pounds lighter in 5 minutes? How does that sound? Amazing right? Well, it won't be that fast, but it will--[notices camera]-- it will be that easy." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I can't believe this place is real. I mean, I've heard about his beet farm for years, but wow." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "The Beets Motel." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "The Beets Motel? That is, wow." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thank you. Eh. The Embassy Beets. Radishon!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "How are you doing this?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't know! [Mose starts running by the left side of the car]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh my gosh." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I just love sales. I love it to death. It's as simple as that. And I don't get to do it enough as a manager, so I took this second job. I count it as a hobby. Some people have golf, or relaxing." }, { "character": "Nick", "line": "What's going on here?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, I just got off the phone, and I was gonna make another call." }, { "character": "Nick", "line": "We're a legit operation with a license from the city I can show you. We pay minimum wage against commision---" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, they're with me, so... this is Nick Figaro, manager to the stars!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "We have three rooms, each with a different theme." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What are the themes?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "American, Irrigation, and Night-Time." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Irrigation." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nice." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'll put you down for Irrigation. Well then, do you have any special needs or diertary restrictions?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes. We will be requiring a bed time story." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Not even Harry Potter?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No. Jim, come on." }, { "character": "Mose", "line": "But you promised." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Mose, bags! Now!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Here we are, the Irrigation Room! A very special room. So I'll come get you before the table-making demonstration. And as of this morning, we are completely wireless here in Schrute Farms. But as soon as I find out where Mose hid all the wires, we'll get that power back on. All righty." } ], [ { "character": "Nick", "line": "Everybody in the conference room. In 5 minutes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "These meetings are useless." } ], [ { "character": "Nick", "line": "I just want to remind you to stick to the script. Improving the work. So, make the call, say the lines, make the sale. Got it?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Very inspirational. [laughter]" }, { "character": "Nick", "line": "We're offering a $50 bonus tonight to the guy with the most sales. Ok." }, { "character": "Co-Worker 1", "line": "Or a woman." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Or a trained seal. [laughter]" }, { "character": "Nick", "line": "You could make jokes when you've made a sale there rookie, ok? [laughter ends]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hmmm, I'd say 1 in 6." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, I thought you asked me what our chances were in being murdered here tonight." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know, I've just realized, this is Pam's and my first night away together. I use to play it over my head, and it was just a little bit different. Maybe a uh, nice hotel. Or a romantic dinner. Wine... uh but, wine that wasn't made out of beets. Didn't think Dwight would be involved at all. And uh, I always imagined less manure. I mean, some manure, just... less." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Mose, what are you doing? No Mose! Put the--- Put the manure down! Put it down! Do not throw it! DO NOT THROW IT! Ow!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, is Mr. Hudson there?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[on the phone] Yes, who is this?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm just calling because you responded positively to the---" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "...Stanley?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Why are you calling me here at home?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Spanish accent] Senor, are you happy with your---" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Michael, I know that's you. Why are you calling me here at home?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[speaking with a different voice] Have you--- Have you considered satellite television?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Michael, I know that's you. I know your voice. Why are you calling me here at home? [Michael hands up]" } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[on the phone] When I'm at home at night in my own house in my sweats drinking some red wine watching my mystery stories, the last thing in the whole God forsaken world I want to hear is the voice of Michael Scott." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well your son sounds like he's really motivated. I think it's crazy the coach won't play him frankly." }, { "character": "Nick", "line": "[hangs up phone] My office." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You bet." } ], [ { "character": "Nick", "line": "Just dial the number on the sheet and stick to the script. Say those words exactly, got it? I don't know why we have to keep on having this conversation." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Look, I know sales, and I had that sale, I just needed a few more minutes---" }, { "character": "Nick", "line": "A few more minutes is a waste of our time." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It is not a waste of our time." }, { "character": "Nick", "line": "This is a trading game." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Nick", "line": "You give a quick pitch. You make the sale. You move on. That's how Vikram does it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Vikram doesn't have my people skills." }, { "character": "Nick", "line": "Good for Vikram, because he out-sells you every night." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, I hope this conversation has helped." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[reading to Jim, Pam, and Mose] And Harry saw the white hand raise its wand, and felt Voldemort's surge of vicious anger. Saw the frail old man on the floor write in agony. \"Harry?\" It was over quickly as it had come. Harry stood shaking in the darkness, clutching the gate in the garden, his heart racing." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "What did you get tonight?" }, { "character": "Vikram", "line": "Oh it looks like mixed masala, eggplant, and rice." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, that looks good." }, { "character": "Vikram", "line": "Oh, and what about you? Peanut butter flavor again?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am going with the vanilla crisp this evening." }, { "character": "Vikram", "line": "Enjoy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you." } ], [ { "character": "Vikram", "line": "I was a surgeon back home." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Vikram", "line": "Oh yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wonder what I would've been back home?" }, { "character": "Vikram", "line": "Well this is your home." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know, but it's competitive here. What's a dollar worth in your land? Medical school must cost like 40 bucks or a donkey or something." }, { "character": "Vikram", "line": "Uhh, no." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I would've been chief of surgery... Or a cowboy." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Jim and Pam hear noise] Wait, you're going up there?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah. Coward." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[Pam sees Mose in an outhouse] Oh my God. What century is this?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what, here's the thing about Die Hard 4. Die Hard one, the original, John McClane was just this normal guy. You know, he's just a normal New York City cop, who gets his feet cut, and gets beat up. But he's an everyday guy. In Die Hard 4, he is jumping a motorcycle into a helicopter. In air. You know? He's invincible. It just sort of lost what Die Hard was. It's not Terminator." }, { "character": "Co-Worker 2", "line": "Dude, you should review movies. [other co-workers agree]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I actually wrote a movie." }, { "character": "Co-Worker 3", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm writing one, yeah." }, { "character": "Co-Worker 3", "line": "What's it about?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um, sort of a spy, thriller..." }, { "character": "Nick", "line": "What's so captivating? [everyone stops talking, go back to work] I like captivating things. And this must be really captivating because it's keeping you off the phones. I mean time is your money, that's how I know how captivating it is. Because how much time you spend talking." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[Pam and Jim hear Dwight crying] Ugh, your turn." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[Jim knocks on Dwight's door, crying stops] Come in. Did you have another nightmare?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, Jim. I thought you were Mose." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Does Mose have nightmares?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh yes. Ever since the storm." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Is everything satisfactory with your stay?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, yeah." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Great." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Just thought that I heard crying, moaning, or something in here." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh. Well I'll look into that in the morning. Thank you for bringing that to the attention of the staff." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Good night, Dwight. [Jim leaves, Dwight continues crying]" } ], [ { "character": "Co-Worker 2", "line": "Yeah, so we're all gonna go out for a beer. Do you wanna come?" }, { "character": "Co-Worker 3", "line": "We'd love for you to come, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thanks, no, I have work tomorrow morning." }, { "character": "Co-Worker 2", "line": "All right, next time dude." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, see you guys. [Sees Jan] Hey, how you doin'?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "You drive, I had too much wine." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. How's yoga?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I didn't go." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wh-Why not?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I just didn't!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "How was improv?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good night Vikram." }, { "character": "Vikram", "line": "Good night." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, congrats on the bonus." }, { "character": "Vikram", "line": "Thank you Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm gonna have it one of these nights." }, { "character": "Vikram", "line": "Well if you concentrate and make your calls faster, yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good night." }, { "character": "Vikram", "line": "Good night." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael. Morning. Hey Dwight, how are you?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Pam." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You okay?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I am better than you have ever been or ever will be. [Ryan walks in]" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Hey guys! What's happening? How's my favorite branch doin'?" } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Okay, Michael, why dont you start us off?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um... that wasn't much of an introduction." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Ladies and gentlemen, your boss, Michael Scott." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ahh, still lame. Okay. All right. Thank you, Ryan, for that wonderful introduction. Okay, um, today we're gonna be talking... about...PowerPoint! PowerPoint! PowerPoint! PowerPoint!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes I forgot about Ryan's presentation. And yes, it would have been nice to do well with the first presentation he had given me. But you know what else would have been nice? Winning the lottery." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "And the best way to start is to hit start. And up comes the toolbar, that's what she said. What we have to do here is go to Run, and then you look up to PowerPoint. And we are in. We are going to register. You hit register--- Updates are ready. I should update. Um, estimated time 12 minutes, so this should take 5 or 10 minutes." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Is this the first time you ever opened PowerPoint?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "You didn't prepare a presentation at all, did you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I had a really rough night, and my boss can back you up on that." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I'm your boss." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "My other boss, Mr. Figaro." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "You have another job?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What I do between 5:30 pm and 1 am is no one's business but mine and my other business'." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Are you a cocktail waitress?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "You can not have another job if it affects your work here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It won't." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "It did, all ready." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, honestly, it was unlikely I was gonna figure this out anyways. [Kelly laughs]" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "You're so funny." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Why is Darryl here? He works in the warehouse." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I invited him." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "It's not a party. Darryl, back downstairs, this isn't information you need." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "There's information here? Yeah, you're right, I don't need this." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Okay. [makes out with Darryl]" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Hey, get off." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Umm, see you later tonight." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I have plans later." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Okay, bye honey." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "How long until you actually get this presentation ready?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why don't you do the presentation, because you know how to do it?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "You know what I really want? Honestly Michael, is for you to know it, so you can communicate to the people here, to your clients, to whomever." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Huh, okay." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's whoever, not whomever." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "No, it's whomever." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, whomever is never actually right." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, sometimes its right." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Michael is right. It's a made-up word used to trick students." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No. Actually, whomever is the formal version of the word." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Obviously it's a real word, but I don't know when to use it correctly." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Not a native speaker." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I know what's right, but I'm not gonna say, because you're all jerks who didn't come see my band last night." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Do you really know which one is correct?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I don't know." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's 'whom' when it's the object of a sentence, and 'who' when it's the subject." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yeah, that sounds right." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well it sounds right, but is it?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "How did Ryan use it? As an object?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "As an object." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Ryan used me an object." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Is he right about that?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "How did he use it again?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "It was Ryan wanted Michael, the subject, to explain the computer system, the object." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "To whomever, meaning us, the indirect object. Which is the correct usage of the word." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No one, uh, asked you anything ever, so whomever's name is Toby, why don't you take a letter opener and stick it into your skull." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Wait! This doesn't matter. And I don't even care. Michael, you quit the other job, or you're fired here." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I've never done this before. I've never quit anything in my life. So, you are filming history." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nick, I had a dream last night that I had two full time jobs. One here at the Lipophedrazone diet pill company---" }, { "character": "Mr. Figaro", "line": "Lipophedrine" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And the other I was a Regional Manager of a small paper supply company called Dunder Mifflin." }, { "character": "Mr. Figaro", "line": "Never heard of it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "In this dream I did both of these jobs beautifully, and I loved it, and everybody loved me. But the truth is, I can't do this." }, { "character": "Mr. Figaro", "line": "Are you quitting?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am." }, { "character": "Mr. Figaro", "line": "Come back anytime, don't forget to disinfect your headset." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I was never in this for the money. But it turns out that the money was an absolute necessity for me. I tried to live the dream. I tried to have a job, a girlfriend, another job, and I failed. But the good thing about the American dream is that you can just go to sleep, and try it all again the next night." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "So." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What's up?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Me. All night. Dreaming about Angela's smoking hot body." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You're being gross." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Not from a male perspective. You need to set me up with her, I know she told you that she's looking, and she's totally not responding to my moves." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What moves?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I have moon-walked past accounting like ten times." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I can't believe that's not working." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Um, I don't know if I really see you two together." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Really? Well, maybe you should look in the smart part of your brain." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "She's very religious." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Okay, well I come from a line Wasps so long it leads back to Moses." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay, well she takes her convictions pretty seriously, she can be kind of severe." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, and I punched a hole in a wall." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That's right, you did." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Now that I think about it, Angela and Andy might actually make a good couple. But I couldn't do that to Dwight... or Angela... or Andy." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey Kevin, you're a gambler right? A rounder, you play the ponies, small horses." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I do gamble Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, I was thinking about doing some gambling myself. You know, just a little bit of money. Maybe doubling it, and them doubling it seven more times. I don't know, kind of just for fun. I was thinking, do you have tips, or ideas about sure things. Like a boxer who is going to throw the big fight, you know, like, like he's tied into some crooked dealings, maybe his kid is sick or something. Like, who do I call about that?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "The mob." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do you know anybody in the mob?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[shakes head no]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, um, Oscar, I'm going to need to take another advance on my salary." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "What do you mean you have plans tonight?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I have my daughter tonight; we're renting Charlotte's Web." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Well, you have to make a choice, it's either your daughter, or me." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "My daughter." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Okay, I see how it is. [pushes a stack of files onto the floor] Oops." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "That was cold." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[makes a W then an L with her fingers, and then runs a finger across her throat]" } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "He's always been terrible with money." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I bet it's Jan spending him straight to the poor house." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah, women be shoppin'." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I can't believe he has a second job." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "He's not even good at his first one." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey guys." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Shh." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What'cha talking about? [camera pans to each face in the break room] Okay, I know what's going on. You're talking about Jim and Pam, if they're having sex, what it looks like, I know, I think---" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, hey, hey." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Michael, are you having money problems?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Monkey problem? No, I'm not having monkey problems. Why would I have monkey problems?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You heard me correctly." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, I hate monkeys." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What's going on, why do you have a second job?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't have a second job. Maybe I'm having an affair with Suzanne Summers." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Doesn't Jan have money?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't talk to my girlfriend about money. It is rude, and unsexual." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "True, it's best to hide our money problems from women." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I totally agree with you. But I don't have money problems, I don't. Alright, you know what? Watch this, if I had money problems, would I do this? [Michael holds up a bill, crumples it up, puts it back in his pocket]" }, { "character": "Oscar & Stanley", "line": "You just put it back in your pocket." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, but I destroyed it, it's not even useable anymore." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Hey, let's call this what it is." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "It's like she only wants to hook up when Ryan comes around. It's gotten to the point where I get excited every time I see that little dude walk through the door." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Well, I just need to know where this is going." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Hey, I like you. Oh yeah, what's not to like? But you need to access your uncrazy side, otherwise maybe this thing's run its course." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Don't you dare walk away from me Darryl Philben, you are the most selfish person I've ever met in my entire---" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Slow down, think it over." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Darryl Philben is the most complicated man that I've ever met. I mean, who says exactly what they're thinking? What kind of game is that?" } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "Hey cuz, heard you're having money problems." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No you didn't." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Listen, I've got the answer. You declare bankruptcy, all your problems go away." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "Creed Bratton has never declared bankruptcy. When Creed Bratton gets in trouble, he transfers his debt to William Charles Schneider." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "How would that help Creed? In Monopoly when you go bankrupt, you lose." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "You don't go by Monopoly man, that game is nuts. Nobody just picks up \"get out of jail free\" cards, those things cost thousands." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That is a good point." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Bankruptcy, Michael, is nature's do-over. It's a fresh start, it's a clean slate." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Like the witness protection program." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Exactly." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Not at all." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I've always wanted to be in the witness protection program. Fresh start, no debts, no baggage. I've already got my name picked out, Lord Rupert Everton. I'm a shipping merchant who raises fancy dogs. That's the life." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I... DECLARE... BANKRUPTCY!" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Hey, I just wanted you to know that you can't just say the word bankruptcy and expect anything to happen." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I didn't say it, I declared it." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Still, that's not anything." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "This is a lot of credit card debt." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, tell me about it." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Mmm." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know, Jan has my credit cards, and she's using them as if I'm made of money, she thinks I'm a human ATM machine." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Okay, a hundred and twenty-five dollars, Amazon." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, that's the Muppet Show, on DVD, classic." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Twelve hundred dollars. What's a Core Blaster Extreme?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That is by far the best way to strengthen your core. This machine, you sit on a stabilizer ball, you put your feet into the power stir-ups, you reach up and you grab onto the super rod, and you twist, and you twist, and you twist. It strengthens your entire core. Your back core, your arm core, the Marine Core actually uses it. I think that's how they got a core." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I left a little present for Angela. I think she's going to like it, because I found it outside of Vance Refrigeration all alone, and I told her in the note that the cat came to find her, that they were destined to be together. I got game." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Okay, the green bar is what you spend every month on stuff you need, like a car and a house." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mm-hm. That is so cool how you have my name at the top." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "The red bar is what you spend on non-essentials, like magazines, entertainment, things like that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Right." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "This scary black bar is what you spend on things that no one ever, ever needs, like multiple magic sets, professional bass fishing equipment." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "How do they do this so fast? Is this power-point?" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Man, Angela really had a hold on him. [Dwight playing the recorder in the background] Angela." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Michael, I'm going to set you and Jan up with a debt consolidator, you meet with this guy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, we are going to leave Jan out of this." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "She has to know." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We will find another way, we'll ask power-point." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Michael, this is a presentation tool." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're a presentation tool if you think I'm gonna tell Jan about this." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I'm done!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No you're not! Ok, just... you're not a tool. Look, we'll tell her that it's bad, but it could've been a lot worse but due to some fancy financial foot work I was able to cut it in half." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Jan is smart." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "She poses." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dwight, how's the hotel business?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Stupid." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Have you checked Trip Advisor recently?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Maybe you should." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Maybe you should. Whatever." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "We wrote a good review. Under comments, we wrote, the natural aroma of the beets drifts into the bedroom and makes you dream of simpler times." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "The dawn goose walk will tug at your heartstrings." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Table making never seemed so possible." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You will never want to leave your room." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "The architecture reminds one of a quaint Tuscan beet farm." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm glad you enjoyed your stay." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We really did. It was fun." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "So due to Michael's clever financial maneuvering, he finds himself tremendously in debt." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "[on phone] You're broke?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um, that's, how did you get that from what Oscar's saying?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "[on phone] Michael, how did this happen? Where did all your money go? I don't, I don't get this. I really don't. I don't know how you could be so irresponsible. I mean, this is, it is astounding to me, really. I don't know what more to say." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Jan." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "[on phone] Yeah, what?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Michael left." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "[on phone] Okay, where did he go?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I don't know." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "[on phone] Well, is he coming right back?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I don't think so." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "[on phone] I'll be right there." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "What am I doing? I am blowing dodge. I'm getting out of town. Whatever you call it, I am running away from my responsibilities. And it feels good." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "[to Andy] You may ask me out to dinner. Nothing fancy or foreign, no bars, no patios, no vegetables, and no seafood." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Dwight." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Uhh-mmm [moaning]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Did I ever tell you why I left Scranton?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[incoherent mumbling] No you didn't." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, I didn't think I had. Well, it was all about Pam." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Mmm-uh-mm [incoherent mumbling]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, I mean she was with Roy, and, uh, I just couldn't take it. I mean, I lost it Dwight. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't concentrate on anything. Even weird stuff, like food had no taste. So my solution was to move away. It was awful. It was something that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, and that includes you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[sobbing, reaches out to Jim after he walked away]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, I was thinking about dinner--- [Jim grabs her face and kisses her]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ah, dinner. Let's see, maybe we should try the new Italian place, where the drive-in used to be." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Jim's just really passionate about Italian food." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yep, I'm very passionate about Italian food. In fact, um, I'm in love with Italian food." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Jan, he went running that way." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Alright. [throws her keys at Oscar]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[singing] Runaway train, never come back. Runaway and I'm never coming back." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey Jan." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "What's going on?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Not much, what's up with you?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Well, why are you sitting on a train? Where are you going?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm out of answers Jan." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "What does that mean?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I told you, no more answers. This is who I am now. A guy on a train with no answers. I hope that can be enough for you." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Michael, come on. Running away from your problems won't solve anything. You know that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't know that." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Your creditors can follow you anywhere with ease. Your debt follows you around the world, electronically." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'll stay off the grid." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Uh, Michael, come on, come on, you can deal with this. It's not that bad." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah it is, it is. I really messed up." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Well, when my life fell apart and they, and they screwed me in New York, and I felt like my whole world was collapsing around me, I didn't have anyone. I mean, my whole family still won't even talk to me, on the advice of counsel, and my friends were just waiting for this to happen." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's really nice of you to say." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Michael, no, what I want to say is you were there for me. By my side. Without even a thought. That's just who you are. I mean, no matter how badly I treat you, or what I'm going through, you just, you are there for me. And that is a guy worth staying beside. So, where's this train taking us?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I think the engineer left." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[takes a ruler and shoves it between his desk and Jim's, knocking Jim's files on the floor] Hello, this is Dwight Schrute calling from Dunder-Mifflin, and according to our records you appear to be low on office supplies. Okay, sure, yeah I can take care of that right now." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Don't sell your implants please." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I'm keeping them. I know you like them. They're kind of uncomfortable though." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's nice though." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "It's kind of painful and my nipples are over-sensitive now." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It looks cute though." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I used to get offers in the mail for credit cards all the time. They would say things like \"don't pay for six months\" or \"you can transfer your account from another card\"..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, [mumbling] I don't know." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do you think I'll get any new ones? I could... [pause, eventually looks up at Dwight]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What do you mean, \"what\"?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What... [mumbling]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Were you listening to what I was saying?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I was aware that you were speaking." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What is the matter with you?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What is the matter with... me?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm... discombobulated." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I need help." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right, well, go find some. Get outa here, please. [Dwight sighs and leaves]" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Okay, you need to focus, Michael. You need to stop spending money." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah. What?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I hate to ask you this, but are there any retirement funds you can borrow from?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um, my CDs." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You have CDs?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I do." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Okay, good, okay. What bank?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "My CDs are in a portfolio, a rather large portfolio, um, called Case Logic" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[whispers] Case Logic." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And, um the Case Logic portfolio is currently in the back seat of my car. There is another smaller Case Logic portfolio clipped to my visor [Oscar vigorously shakes his head] What?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I'm asking about Certificates of Deposit." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I've been putting money into CDs for years. I bought music that I didn't even like. No. [shakes head]" } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "I just think that..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I can't." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Why?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I can't go back to that." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I think you can. I... what?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't know if I can do that. I can't see myself spending the next six years digging myself out of that kind of hole." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "All right, well then maybe there's another way, you know? I mean, we could just... we'll think of something else." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We will? I can't. I don't have an idea in my head." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Well... well, we will." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I have..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "We just will." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. What? Um..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I have some ideas." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Tell me." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "[laughs] I am not going to tell you yet." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, please? I won't tell anybody." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Oh, yes, you will." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, I will." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Gentlemen, a word. Look, you guys are my closest friends in this office." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Right back at ya." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "And as such, I come to you..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "State your business!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I am dying of lovesickness and horny-sickness." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That is impossible. Unless you mean gonorrhea." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'm talking about Angela, okay? Did you hear what she was saying to Pam the other day?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes, I did, 'cept I don't think she means it. Angela is in a great deal of pain because of the death of her cat, and she's in a kind of a grieving process, and it makes her say things. So... best to just lay off." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No can do. I am itching all over with Angela-pox." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh my God, you do have gonorrhea." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Hey, Andy! Maybe this is one of those situations where you just have to do her to get her out of your system." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Stay out of this, you!" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey, fellas! And... lady." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I still do not have your reimbursement check." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That's not why I came over. I mean it's a week late, but... I just came over to say hi." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[waves] Hi." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Angela, you like lacrosse?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Lacrosse, the sport?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Scranton U. Varsity's gonna scrimmage the J.V. squad. Should be pretty interesting. J.V. gets really amped." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Well, I guess it's a big opportunity for them." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You wanna go?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Because we could get some food..." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Afterwards at the..." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Andy, no. [Andy nods and starts backing away, Kevin giggles]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Still waiting on that check." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Pam! You don't think he'll mind if we take the shampoo, do you? [holds up large bottle]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Mmm. Mmm-mmm. [shakes head 'no']" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[Mose serves bacon] Thank you, Mose." }, { "character": "Mose", "line": "[clears throat] Everybody poops." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes, they do." }, { "character": "Mose", "line": "There's no other... way to get rid of the food." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Where's Dwight?" }, { "character": "Mose", "line": "Gone." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Where'd he go?" }, { "character": "Mose", "line": "His day place." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "The office." }, { "character": "Mose", "line": "What office?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hmm." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Mose, Angela hasn't been around here much lately, has she?" }, { "character": "Mose", "line": "Angela?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Angela - she used to stay here sometimes?" }, { "character": "Mose", "line": "Angela [leaves]." } ], [ { "character": "Mose", "line": "[on trampoline] Cannonball! Lemon bomb! Jim, Pam, watch! Jim, Pam, watch! Jim, Pam, watch!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay, we're watching, Mose!" }, { "character": "Mose", "line": "Okay, go Yankees! I'm a war hero!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You're doin' great, buddy!" }, { "character": "Mose", "line": "Name's Mose, buddy! Dwight, can I stop? They're not even looking." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, go ahead and stop. You guys, you should really be looking, he's working his ass off over here." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm sorry, did we or did we not pay for a show?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, go ahead, they're right." }, { "character": "Mose", "line": "Large spins!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[not watching Mose] More spins." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Arr, dammit! [throws saw at table he was working on]" }, { "character": "Mose", "line": "Helicopter!" } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah! Everything! Oh it's all good, it's all good. Phyllis!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Dancing babies!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dancing babies! I love it! I love it!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "We are making a commercial for Dunder Mifflin today. Our first ad ever. Corporate purchased some air time in local markets to spread the word about Dunder Mifflin Infinity and they are even sending up a professional ad company to help us make it later so... it's uh, not too shabby." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Best ad ever. [sings in the tune of the \"Kit Kat theme song\"] Gimme a break, gimme a break, break me off a piece of that... I am totally blanking. What is the thing?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nobody tell him!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What? No, why?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You got it, you're so close!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[singing] Break me off a piece of that... huh huh huh... br- applesauce." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Break me off a piece of that applesauce, I don't think..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Break me off a piece of that Chrysler car." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nope." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Football cream. Grr!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, it's football cream. It's football cream. Alright! So, anybody else?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm taking a computer animation class so I could try to do a logo." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Look at that. Even the receptionist is getting in on the creativity. Very good, very good." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hello hello!" }, { "character": "Ad guy 1", "line": "Hey, how ya doin'?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Michael Scott." }, { "character": "Ad guy 2", "line": "Hey, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Regional manager." }, { "character": "Ad guy 2", "line": "Hey Michael, nice to meet you" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Excited to talk ideas." }, { "character": "Ad guy 1", "line": "Let's do it, man." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know, I want this to be cutting edge. I want it to be fast, quick cuts, you know, youthful, sort of a MTV on crack kind of thing." }, { "character": "Ad guy 1", "line": "That sounds great." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right, good, well this is what we have to work with." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I would like you to meet Andrew Bernard. The 'Nard Dog. Who let the 'Nard Dog out?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hoo hoo hoo-hoo!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "He gives the best back rubs in the office." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It's true, I give a mean backrub. I also do good aromatherapy [makes farting noise]. Not! You just got 'Nard dogged!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Now this gentleman right here is the key to our urban vibe." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Urban? I grew up in a small town. What about me seems urban to you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Stanley is hilarious. Phyllis is like our Mrs. Butterworth. Kind of a less urban Aunt Jemima." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "These are our accountants. And as you can see they are very different sizes. What you might want to do is kind of a Papa Bear, Mama Bear, Baby Bear thing. That might be kind of fun." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[looking at Oscar] Mama Bear!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Who else?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I think it's great that the company's making a commercial because not very many people have heard of us. I mean, when I tell people that I work at Dunder Mifflin, they think that we sell mufflers, or muffins, or mittens, or... And frankly all of those sound better than paper, so I let it slide." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "You playing that game again?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Second Life is not a game. It is a multi-user virtual environment. It doesn't have points or scores, it doesn't have winners or losers." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh it has losers." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I signed up for Second Life about a year ago. Back then my life was so great that I literally wanted a second one. In my Second Life I was also a paper salesman and I was also named Dwight. Absolutely everything was the same. Except I could fly. [shot of Dwight's avatar flying around]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[reading off piece of paper] Little girl in a field holding a flower, we zoom back to find that she's in the desert and the field is an oasis. Zoom back further the desert is a sandbox in the world's largest resort hotel. Zoom back further the hotel is actually the playground for the world's largest prison. But we zoom back further---" }, { "character": "Ad guy 1", "line": "Okay I can tell that your time is valuable---" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Actually I don't get paid by the hour anymore, but thank you, I get paid by the year, so..." }, { "character": "Ad guy 1", "line": "That all sounds really, really ambitious." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, I know." }, { "character": "Ad guy 1", "line": "Why don't we show you what we did with the Nashua branch?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mmm. Okay. [commercial plays on laptop, peppy music in background]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's what Nassau came up with? That sucks! [chuckles] Whoa." }, { "character": "Ad guy 1", "line": "That's what we came up with." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well we can do better than that." }, { "character": "Ad guy 2", "line": "Well the main part of the ad has to stay the same, actually." }, { "character": "Ad guy 1", "line": "Yeah, it's the last five seconds where we have some leeway." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "The waving?" }, { "character": "Ad guy 1", "line": "Well, no, no. You don't have to be waving. That was just what they did. You guys can be clapping. Sitting. Standing outside, inside, whatever. This is where you really get to be creative." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I need some advice. I've been spending a lot of time making out with Angela lately. But we've been necking, but only necking. Right? Not actually kissing, our mouths, just the neck on neck. It's just like rubbing slash nuzzling our necks together. It's hot, I'm not going to lie to you , but it's a little weird, but you seem like a guy with answers, so how do I fast track this to get to first base?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "We cannot talk about this... because, someone might hear us." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "We'll use code names." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Angela can stay the same, but we'll change Andy to Dwight." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That's not different enough." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Dwike?" } ], [ { "character": "Receptionist", "line": "You have a call from Eddie Murphy." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Hello?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[on speakerphone, Eddie Murphy voice] Shrek! Shrek, I'm a donkey! I'm a donkey, Shrek! [laughing] I'm just kidding. It's me. Hello Ry." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, calm down. I have a small problem." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I told you not to call about small problems." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, well when I call about big problems you don't like that either, so make up you mind, kiddo. Here is the deal, the ad guys that you sent are locking me in a creative box, and sort of ignoring my ideas." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "That's good. They're creative, you're not." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm creative, Ryan." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "It's not part of your job, it's like, maybe you can cook but it doesn't mean you should start a restaurant." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well actually I can't cook, and I am starting a restaurant. Mike's Cereal Shack. I'm thinking we'll have as many varieties as you can buy in the store." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Okay, I'm not really interested in that right now. I'm delegating creativity to creative professionals. It's a different skills set. Look, I wasn't good at sales, right?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "But I'm good at managing people who do sales ." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Are you? I don't think you're doing such a good job here, suppressing ideas and creativity." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right, let me ask you this, tell me if you think this is creative. When I was five, I imagined that there was such a thing as a unicorn. And this is before I had even heard of one, or seen one. I just drew a picture of a horse that could fly over rainbows, and had a huge spike in its head. And I was five, five years old. Couldn't even talk yet." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey guys, um, you know what, we cannot shoot this ad today." }, { "character": "Ad guy 2", "line": "Okay, when should we come back?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "How about never hundred hours, sir." }, { "character": "Ad guy 2", "line": "We were sent here to help out." }, { "character": "Ad guy 1", "line": "Okay I'm not going to argue with this guy. Let's go. Good luck dude." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey thanks. Thank you." } ], [ { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "[on phone] Michael, David Wallace. What is this about dismissing the ad people?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, I'm glad you called. Ryan is being a little bitch again." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I'm on Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What's up my brotha? Listen, David, I would like to do this ad in house. I want to use only the creativity that we have right here in the office. And I will send it to you tomorrow morning, take a look at it, and if you do not think that it's ready to air, send the ad agency back down here, and we'll do it on my dime." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "This is weird." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm willing to stake my entire reputation on it." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Okay, I'll see it tomorrow." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. [hangs up phone] And thus, Michael Scott sealed his own destiny. In a good way." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Has anyone ever come up to you and said, \"You're not creative\"?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well they're wrong. You are creative. You are damn creative. Each and every one of you. You are so much more creative than all of the other dry, boring morons that you work with." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Who are you talking to, specifically?" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I kind of know what it's like to be in commercials. My nickname in high school used to be Kool-Aid Man. [makes squinty face]" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "When I was younger I always wanted to be an actor in commercials. Then I realized I had a brain." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I'm excited about doing the ad, but I'm not really used to doing videos with so many people around." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "We have three scenes to film, big scenes. We have a song to write. So let's get cracking. Kelly, I want you to do makeup. Oscar, I would like you to do costume design, obviously. Phyllis, I'd like you look around town and see if we have any celebrities in our local area." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "[gasps] Sue Grafton is at the Steamtown Mall. She's doing a book signing right now." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, okay, Phyllis this is what I want you to do. I want you to go down to the mall. I want you to get in line. I want you to get her to be in this commercial. This would be a huge coupe people. All right? Do not take no for an answer." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Does anyone actually know what Sue Grafton looks like? I mean, is she hot or-?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "She's crazy hot." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well then maybe we should just use Angela and say she's Sue Grafton. Would anyone notice?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "That's not happening." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "I find the mystery genre disgusting. I hate being titillated." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Bye everyone." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Line it up Phyllis." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Get her Phyll." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[singing] Out of paper, out of stock, there's friendly faces around the block, break loose from the chains that are causing your pain." }, { "character": "Andy & Creed & Kevin & Kelly & Darryl", "line": "Call Michael or Stanley, Jim, Dwight or Creed. Call Andy and Kelly for your business paper needs." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Dunder Mifflin." }, { "character": "Andy & Creed & Kevin & Kelly", "line": "The people person's paper people." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Dunder Mifflin." }, { "character": "Andy & Creed & Kevin & Kelly", "line": "The people person's paper people." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Time out, time out, time out, time out, time out. I thought... I was under the impression that this was going to be a rap." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "What's rap?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, Darryl, wow, you need to learn a lot about your own culture. I'll make you a mix." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Great." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "News flash. I got some juicy updates on Operation Fallen Angel. Remind me to tell you later." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No talk, I'm animating." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Why don't we take a quick ten second break from that so I can show you what's going on here. [pulls up Dwight's game] Okay, this is Dwight's Second Life. He's on it all the time. So much so that his little guy here has created his own world. It's called Second Second Life, for those people who want to be removed even further from reality." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Are you serious?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh my God, he's really in pain." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[sighs]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Who's that?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, it's just my avatar guy. Whatever." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "He looks a lot like you. How much time did you spend on that?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Not much, it's just for tracking Dwight so---" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Right... you're a sports writer in Philadelphia? Nice build too." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yep." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You have a guitar slung on your back. I did not know you played guitar." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I... why don't we go back to this animation." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No no no, I want to see more of Philly Jim. I want Philly Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ah, show me how this works." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh boy." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[singing in different tune] Out of paper, out of stock, there's friendly faces around the block, break loose from the chains that are causing your pain. Call Michael, Stanley, Jim, Dwight or Creed. Call Andy and Kelly for your business paper needs. Call Dunder Mifflin." }, { "character": "Andy & Creed & Kevin & Kelly", "line": "The people person's paper people." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Dunder Mifflin." }, { "character": "Andy & Creed & Kevin & Kelly", "line": "The people person's paper people." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Stop. Stop stop stop stop stop stop. This is not me. This is not my music." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You're right, it's better than you! It's us! [sings] Dunder Mifflin." }, { "character": "Andy & Creed & Kevin & Kelly", "line": "The people person's paper people." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I hate it! I hate it! ...I don't hate it, I just don't like it at all. And it's terrible." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You're on your own, Mike. [gets up and starts to walk away]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, you know what. Hold on, hold on Darryl." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You just said you hated it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. I said I hate the, the style." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[singing] Break me off a piece of that lumber tar. Snickers bar." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, wow. Wow, this looks uh, terrible." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Break me off a piece of that Grey Poupon." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Andy, Andy, this is a pivotal scene in the ad. And if we don't get this, if we don't nail it, we're going to lose the whole triumph of the moment. The triumph of the will. Now, God, what? What Phyllis?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "[crying] Well, I got in line to buy Sue Grafton's book and when it came to my turn I asked if she wanted to be in the ad and she said no thank you, but I wasn't supposed to take no for an answer." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That'a girl." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "So I kept on asking and they finally threw me out of the store in front of all my friends." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Did you, or did you not get Sue Grafton?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "[sobbing] No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ugh, can somebody give her a tissue please? [Kevin hands her piece of tape]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I hope you're not killing yourself on this, because I'm sure it's good enough for Michael's ad that will probably be seen by no one." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Maybe, but it's not good enough for me yet." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay. Do you want me to stay?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No no, you can go home. I'm good." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Pam is staying late tonight to uh, achieve her dreams. So I'm pretty proud of her, unfortunately she was my ride home." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "You comin'?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I, ah..." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Piss or get off the pot!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Good morning. [Pam sees breakfast sitting on her desk] Yeah I'm sorry, I looked away for a second and Creed snatched your hash browns." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You're welcome." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I worked until about 2:45 AM. And then I had to decide if I wanted to spend the night with Michael editing in his office, and Dwight watching Michael edit in his office, or drive home and probably fall asleep at the wheel and die in a fiery car wreck. I passed out on my keyboard trying to decide." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Let me pour you some bubbly because somebody got to a whole new level last night." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Andy, I can't hear this right now." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No, no no no, this is good. You know how we haven't really gotten anywhere that I want to get to physically yet? Well, last night, that changed. We're makin' out, I'm kissin' her neck, and cheek and her ear lobe, and she's not really kissing me back. But she closes her eyes and she's like, \"Oh D, oh D.\"" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "She called you D?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah. D for Andy." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh D." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh D." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[whispers] Oh D." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh D!" }, { "character": "Both", "line": "Ohhhhhh D! [laughing] Ohhhh D!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm about to send the ad to corporate... and it is sent. They'll probably watch it right away. I know I would. Okay. [dials phone]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[on phone] Yes?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam, please clear my phone lines." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Certainly. [makes beeping noises] Okay, clear." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "They could call at any second now. [sighs] Oh God...I better call." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Ten days later] Well, it's been tough. The uh, geniuses at corporate rejected my commercial and tonight they are airing the brain dead version. So welcome one and all to the world premiere of Corporate Crapfest!" } ], [ { "character": "Everyone", "line": "[watching ad] Oh! [clapping and cheering]" }, { "character": "Bartender", "line": "Hey it seemed like a big hit." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, it was stupid. People like waving, waving sells. It's not art. Yet we made our ad, the real one was full of humor, and full of depth, and full heart and it was real." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, could you do me a favor? Could you put that in the DVD player?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey everybody! Just want to welcome you all to the premiere of the real Dunder Mifflin commercial, the Michael Scott director's cut. Hope you like it." } ], [ { "character": "Michael's Ad", "line": "[Chariots of Fire theme plays] It all starts with an idea. But you can never tell where an idea will end up. [people passing a Corporate Memo around to each other] Because ideas spread, they change, grow. They connect us with the world. [Kelly catches paper airplane that says \"I love you\"] And in a fast moving world, where good news moves at the speed of time [newspaper with Andy saying \"Hometown Boy Wins Race\"], and bad news isn't always what it seems. [Dwight hands Phyllis paper that says \"You have a son, and it's me\"] Because when push comes to shove we all deserve a second chance. [Stanley finds paper that says \"Turn your life around. Now hiring at Dunder Mifflin\"] To score. [Jim throws paper in basket, Michael retrieves it; it says \"World's Most Creative Boss\"] Dunder Mifflin. Limitless paper in a paperless world." } ], [ { "character": "Everyone", "line": "[claps and cheer]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Animation? All her by the way. [points at Pam]" }, { "character": "Bartender", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I just thought you should---" }, { "character": "Bartender", "line": "The animation was cool." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thanks." }, { "character": "Bartender", "line": "Hey listen, you ever been on a motorcycle?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ahh. [puts his arm around Pam]" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Michael, that was fun." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That was fun. Next round of drinks is on me, people!" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[singing] Claude Van Damme, Hair for Men, poison gas, NutraSweet. [speaking] It's gotta rhyme with \"piece.\" Fancy Feast! [sings] Break me off a piece of that Fancy Feast! It's the cat food. Nailed it." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right! So, anybody else? No bad ideas. Everybody, let's keep 'em coming... oh, God. Okay, Toby?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Well, you know how everyone fast forwards through ads these days? Well, what about an ad in slow motion. You know, if they fast forward through it, it'll just seem normal and it will catch your eye. Plus, uh, the slogan could be: Dunder Mifflin, we adapt to the pace of your business. [murmurs of approval by everyone but Michael]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "There are no bad ideas but for an idea, that was really, really bad." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I spent three years in advertising before I came here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And that is probably why most ads suck. [points to the ad men waiting outside the conference room] Oh, that's them! Those are the ad guys right there. All right, my very fortunate and creative group, go back to your desks and I will let you know when it is time to film. [everyone starts leaving the conference room] [loud whisper] Pam! Pam, come here for a second. Did you get the memo about dressing your best?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "About dressing your best today?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, I distribute so I get all the memos." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Cool. Cool, I just wanted to make sure you got it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, I get all the memos. [starts to leave]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, good. Good." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "This is Pam Beesly, representing our girl next door. Pretty but nothing special. You know, but she sort of keeps it real. What you might want to do, is if you could zoom in, like really quick zooms on her. Might be good. [walking away] Who else? [pointing] Oh, Creed... is the old guy over there. Don't look at him. You might want to use him to sort of get that Orville Redenbacher dynamic going." }, { "character": "Ad guy 1", "line": "Sure." }, { "character": "Ad guy 2", "line": "Right." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And if not we can just make him disappear. [walks quickly over to Jim's desk] This is Jim! Halpert. Jim has a very expressive face, don't you Jim? He is like our Mr. Bean." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So do, um, do sad, do the sad face." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I don't want -" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, that's skeptical. Do sad." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mmm..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's, that's a pirate movie. [Jim stares at Michael] That's annoyed. Well, he doesn't do very well under pressure." }, { "character": "Ad guy 1", "line": "[shakes head] Yeah... no. [Jim turns to Pam with an exaggerated sad face; Pam laughs. Dwight walks towards Michael and the ad men]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And anybody else, we can just hire an actor to replace. Follow me! Let's get this movin'. [Dwight goes back to his seat, embarrassed]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right, let's start." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right! [sitting down behind Michael's desk] I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be doing, but..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You are my producer, you are a suit. I am the creative genius. You take care of all the boring stuff, and let my mind just run free." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yup." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Now, we have eighty-five dollars, and a Sam Goody gift certificate..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Right." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "...and we need to be done by 9 A.M. tomorrow." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mmmhmm. Why don't you start by telling me what you got." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We start on a single blank sheet of paper." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Love it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And we widen to reveal ancient Rome." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mm, can't do that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, we widen to reveal a spaceship blasting out of a woman's womb." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Definitely can't do that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Bull[censored] man!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know what?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "This is bull[censored]!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, Scott, why don't you take your head out of the clouds and come back down to planet Earth so we can make a commercial." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ahhhh! [sweeps toys off his desk]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm just doing my job, man." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "If you don't let me pursue my artistic vision, I am going to walk!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Good! Fine! I've got one Andy Bernard that will direct this puppy for half your fee... [dialing phone]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No! No! Jim, Jim, don't, don't..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What? What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I can do it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I can do it good. I can do it good. Please, don't. Please. [kneels in front of desk] Please give me it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, make a commercial." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[taps on desk and starts to leave his office] Do you want this open or closed?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Closed. [Michael leaves his office, gives Jim two thumbs up, which Jim returns]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, everybody, I just got off the phone with David Wallace, and he has given us the go-ahead to make the first ever Dunder Mifflin television commercial. Huh?" }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "[applause]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I can't hear you! [less applause] Heard you a little bit less that time. Must be..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "We had already applauded." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, okay. Who could do music?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "How about Darryl?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Actually, I'm a little concerned about having a black person do the music, because that could create a positive stereotype that could then become a... celestine prophesy, and keep the next Bon Jovi from ever picking up a piano." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Michael is on a mission to prove that he's creative. Which I think is odd, because Michael actually might be the most creative person I've ever known. Every day, Michael says and thinks things that no one has ever said or thought before." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Rolando", "line": "[on phone] Dunder Mifflin, this is Rolando. Oh yes, she's been expecting your call. [knocks on door]" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Rolando", "line": "Karen? He's on line one." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Thanks Ro. Hey, we finally connected. How's Scranton?" } ], [ { "character": "Karen", "line": "I am the regional manager of Dunder-Mifflin Utica branch. Turns out it's a pretty easy gig when your boss isn't an idiot and your boyfriend's not in love with somebody else." } ], [ { "character": "Karen", "line": "Look, All I'm saying is it would be a great opportunity, and we'd love to have you come aboard. So think about it, okay? Okay, bye." } ], [ { "character": "Karen", "line": "Look, for the record, a certain Scranton salesman approached me, okay?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "This is perfect." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "He looks like your twin." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "This is a dummy, a la Ferris Bueller's Day Off. We have tied a string to the wrist, which goes to the door. When somebody opens the door, the hand goes down, hits the remote, turns on the tape recorder, which is me snoring. Now nobody knows whether I am here, or whether I am gone." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I will know." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "But, you will not tell anyone." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I won't need to because we'll be together playing hooky. Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, sometimes. Most of the time I will be with Ryan, or Darryl. [knock on the door] Yes? Oh good, good Stanley! First victim, this is what I want you to do. Go out, come back in. We're going to hide. I want you to tell me if this looks like me, okay?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I don't understand why sleeping at your desk is better than you not being here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just go out, and come back in." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I got an offer from Utica for more money, and I'm going to take it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey everyone, can I have your attention please? I just thought you all should know that Stanley Hudson is planning on leaving us, because our old friend Karen from Utica is going to give him more money to work there." }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "[applause]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, no, no, no-no, no no. You completely misinterpreted my tone, this is a horrible thing. Clearly, Karen is trying to get back at us because Jim dumped her." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, I don't think that is what's happening." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, smarty pants, then why? Why is she trying to take Stanley from us?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I think it's because of my sales record." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That could not possibly be it." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "You cannot take the hilarious black guy from the office. Stanley is part of what makes this branch so extraordinary. The bluesy wisdom, the sassy remarks, the crossword puzzles, the smile, those big watery red eyes. I don't know how George Bush did it when Colin Powell left, and if Utica thinks that they are going to poach Stanley, they have another thing coming." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "How can I get you to stay?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Money." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah we all want money. But there is none in the budget, so... Tell me why you're really leaving." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Money." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mo money mo problems, Stanley. You of all people should know that. Let me ask you this, if I were-" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Money." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pssh, kay." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oscar, did you bring it?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "To be Edwardian. His best work." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay, well I have the tablecloth, don't forget the flatware." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Sure thing Pam, can't wait." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oscar, Toby, and I are founding members of the Finer Things Club. We meet once a month to discuss books and art, celebrate culture in a very civilized way. Sometimes the debate can get heated, but we're always respectful. There is no paper, no plastic, and no work talk allowed. It's very exclusive." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Besides having sex with men, I would say that the Finer Things Club is the gayest thing about me." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "So tell me again why I can't be part of your club?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Because some people think you monopolize the conversation by trying to be funny." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oscar?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Some people." } ], [ { "character": "Karen", "line": "[on phone] Hello?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Fillipellers, how's it hanging?" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Michael..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "To the left?" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Listen, I-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "To the right?" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "I'm-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, enough small talk, go ahead." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "You called me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, listen, um... You cannot tear Stanley from his family like this." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "I'm pretty sure his family's coming with him." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, his work family. Look, this is very hard for me, but I'm going to give you my best man. You may have Toby." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Toby's not a salesperson." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You can train him. He's very very smart, and funny, and charming... You know, I can't do it, Toby is the worst. That- that was a bluff, um... Listen, if you are going to poach one of my guys, I'm going to poach one of yours." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Oooh. Good-bye Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, good-bye. Wait! Wait! Karen, could you transfer me to one of your salespeople please? Your best one? [Karen hangs up]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I have Ben Nugent on the line, he is the top salesman in Utica." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hi Ben, Michael Scott." }, { "character": "Ben", "line": "Hi Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm going to cut right to the chase here. Do you like magic? Because I'm a genie in a bottle, and I'm going to grant you three wishes. To move to Scranton, to have a great job, and to be my best friend." }, { "character": "Ben", "line": "Aren't you the guy that hit the woman with your car?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[giggles]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[to Pam] Get out. [to Ben] Uh, yeah. I also saved her life, but I guess that's not as grabby." }, { "character": "Ben", "line": "Everyone says Scranton branch is worse than Camden. Didn't everyone from Stanford quit, like immediately?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I fired them, and your next. ... So what do you say?" }, { "character": "Ben", "line": "Seriously?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "What is that guy talking about? Scranton is not lame. Scranton is the cool, fun branch. We're like Animal House." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Found him!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jim, we're getting crapped on. Word is that our branch sucks, and we have to do something about it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "So what are you going to do?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What are we going to do? We are going to make a monster sale, that's what we're going to do. Corcroan dropped Staples." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Did they?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes they did, oh yes they did, and we are going to murder it. You, me, Dwight are going to jump into my PT Cruiser, and we're going to crush this sale. We're going to prove, what the hell is that music?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's Vivaldi, for Finer Things." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's the problem, that's the problem. We need rock n' roll Pam, rock n' roll. Alright? [sees Toby in a bow-tie holding a plate full of tea cups] Oh... My... God, that's why people are leaving. I- I have no words." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "We just passed the exit for Corcroan." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What? What? We did?" }, { "character": "Dwight & Michael", "line": "Surprise! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Look at his face! Look at his face!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What are we doing?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Egg dripping, blah, blah, blah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What are we doing, Dwight, what we are doing?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, gee, Jim, I don't know, I guess there's no sales call today." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We are going on a panty raid to Utica, is what we're doing." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "We're going to Utica?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh-huh." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm not going to Utica right now." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes you are. Oh, buckle up Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We are going to make Karen wish that she had never been dumped by you." }, { "character": "Michael & Dwight", "line": "[chanting] Utica! Utica! Utica!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael & Dwight", "line": "[chanting] Utica! Utica!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "In your face" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yow!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I can't believe you guys. I'm not going to go further piss off my ex-girlfriend." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Are you calling Karen?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, I'm not calling Karen." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "He's lying." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yep, get it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What are you doing? Stop it, Dwight!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[throws Jim's cell phone out of the window] Gah-ah-hah-ha!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Are you kidding me?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No communication with the outside world Jim." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It had to be done, it had to be done." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, that kind of sucks, because it had all the photos of my brother's new baby on it, so..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh no, that is too bad. Shoot." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey Dwight, he found it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know what? I'm just going to call a cab from here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright, you're going to miss the best prank ever." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright. Wait, what are you planning on doing?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do you really wanna know?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, God. [hangs up phone]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Follow me, come here. Here's what we brought, we brought uniforms from the warehouse. I brought silly string, Dwight brought gasoline and chunks of rubber to make stink bombs." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Or real bombs." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, not real bombs." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, come on, it will be so badass." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh, maybe, maybe, I don't know." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It could be badass. Yeah, it will." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, no absolutely we are not doing this." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Come on, I already filled the bottles with the gas, it's going to be so badass." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Are you kidding me? We've been driving around with this stuff in the trunk the whole time?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Teach her to offer Stanley more money." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "So the deal was, Dwight doesn't blow anything up, and I wear a costume. And a moustache." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "So, why did you and Karen break up? Was it the sex?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I can't imagine the sex being bad, I mean her body is..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, you know what?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "...awesome." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Why don't we play that alphabet game that you were talking about?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, I will start. Um, \"A.\" [singing] \"A\" my name is Alan, and my wife's name is Alice, we live in Alaska, and we sell... Damn it! What do we sell? Um..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It doesn't matter." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm trying to think of what we could sell." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Doesn't matter." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ah, la, la, la. What is that? That sound... The air-conditioning leaking or something?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That doesn't make sense, couldn't be." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What is that? Dwight, are you peeing?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm peeing in this empty can." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh my God!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Come on man, that is disgusting Dwight!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well you said that we couldn't make anymore stops, and I really had to go." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Michael, watch the road!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey, you're making me spray!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'll kill you man!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Michael! Michael, pull over!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That is just so disgusting!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Pull over, pull over!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I think I cut my penis on the lid!" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Can you imagine a life where all you have to do is summer in the Italian countryside?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I know right? I just want to go, and look at art, and swim in the Adriatic." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "And spend time with George Emerson. That's what I would do. I mean it's the best male protagonist we've read, right?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[joins them at the table] Totally, I mean, come on, such a free spirit." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Just came to discuss my favorite E.M. Forester novel. Pam, these finger sandwiches look finger-lickin' delicious Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Uh, I'm sorry Andy, but this is a closed club." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "The Finer Things Club is the most exclusive club in this office. Naturally, it's where I need to be. The party planning committee is my back up, and Kevin's band is my safety." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Fine. I'll just sit here, in the common area, and read my book. Which just happens to be the very same book you're reading." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Alright, just know that you're not in the Finer Things Club." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Why can't I be in the club?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I can't believe we're here, I can't believe this is happening." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Believe it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Afro wig, do you want the afro wig?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, Michael. I'm not leaving the car." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, Dwight, here's how it's going to go down. You and I-" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Guy's going by. Shh." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You and I are going to sneak inside and pretend that we are warehouse workers. And then we will silly string the beejeezus out of the place." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And if we have to defend ourselves, I will stab the security guy in the eye with the jumbo chalk." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, no, you won't do that. Nope." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Then I'll grind up the jumbo chalk and blow it in his eyes." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dwight, nothing with the eyes, please?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh my God, that's her! That's her, go, go, go." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Let's move! Move, move, move, move!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Shut up, you, shut up! This is the dumbest thing we've ever done." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I think it's interesting how Forster uses Italy to represent sexuality and passion. [Kevin dumping change in the snack machine] And that also brought up themes of, uh, you know, fate and coincidence. And Lucy's torn between these two things. She's torn between passion and convention." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Damn it!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It just- [Kevin banging and shaking the snack machine] To be making a case for passion in Edwardian times, I thought was, uh..." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Damn it! [banging machine]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Maybe sort of ahead of his time as a writer." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Very brave. [Phyllis beeping microwave in the background]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Very brave choice also, I thought." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "And George, his- his youthfulness. His, um, freedom. [Phyllis still beeping the microwave] Evokes, um, um, feeling, um, to the, um... What are you microwaving!?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Popcorn." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Why don't you use the microwave in the kitchen, Phyllis?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Someone needs to clean it. It smells like popcorn." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "So, Stanley, are you really outta here?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Yep, looks that way." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'm gonna miss you man, you've been like an uncle to me. Like a kind old uncle Remus. I wanna stay in touch." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[from the walkie-talkie] We are in a stairwell." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[from the walkie-talkie] We are climbing some stairs." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm breathing heavily." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, you know what? You don't need to be updating me as much as you're updating me." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "There's a guy, there's a guy." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "There's a security guard coming by. Hello, we're warehouse workers. Would you like more proof?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh my God, oh my God, that was very close." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I can see the security guard's eyes." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, no, don't do anything to them." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I have to do something to his eyes." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The eyes are the groin of the head." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright, Great Scott, if you found that choking hazard poster, just head on home." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We found something far better, their crown jewel. Their industrial copier." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Isn't that thing huge?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's enormous, but it's got wheels. We're wheeling it down the hall, into the stairwell. Get the car ready, keep the engine running." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, that is a terrible idea, don't do this." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Aha! [crashing]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "My hip bone!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We're wedged between the copier and the railing. Ah! Ow! Ow, my leg! Jim leave us." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Don't leave us!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Save yourself!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Don't leave us, help us, we need help Jim!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay! First of all, stop using my name. And second of all-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight, you gotta move!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Damn it guys!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight, could you move over a little bit." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm losing control of my bladder." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh my God, oh my God, Karen is back!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Did you say Karen?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Take her to a motel, make love to her Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, I'm not doing that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just say you wanna get back together." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, I'm not doing that!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It doesn't have to mean anything. Just, do it for Stanley. Come on Jim, just climb on top of her and think about Stanley. Ah, Jim, if this is it for me, promise me something, host the Dundies." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Jim?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey Karen." } ], [ { "character": "Karen", "line": "Uh, what are you doing here?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "First of all, hi." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "What are you doing here?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You good? I'm just checking on the other branches. Michael wants me to do that from time to time, so..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Do not tell Karen about the industrial copier." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Copy that." } ], [ { "character": "Karen", "line": "I cried for weeks over that guy, so yeah, seeing him climb out of a PT Cruiser in a ladies warehouse uniform, felt pretty good." } ], [ { "character": "Karen", "line": "Let me ask you, did you accomplish what you wanted?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Listen lady, you can expect these kind of repercussions as long as you keep trying to poach our people." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "I'm taking Stanley." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Then we will burn Utica to the ground." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[whispers] Dwight. Granted, maybe this was not the best idea, but at least we care enough about our employees that we are willing to fight for them. And if you so much as harm a hair on Stanley's head, we will burn Utica to the ground. [they get up to leave]" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Jim, hang on a second?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes?" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "So you're still doing this kind of stuff, huh?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, trying to quit though." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "If you wanted to see me, you could have just called me like an adult." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh no, I didn't want to see you. Not that I'm not happy seeing you, right now, I'm just saying ultimately I was here for the copier. Equal, I'd say it was equal. So, good to see you..." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "[huffs]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I mean, it's just that- [clears throat] You know, Pam and I are still dating, so, and, I just mean that things are going really well, so I didn't want to see... you..." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Oh, things are going really well? Are they? They are? That's great, that's so great. I wanna hear more about how happy you are with Pam. Can you tell me more about that? Thank you so much for coming to Utica, and breaking my copier, and telling me how well things are going in your relationship, really, thank you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[slinking out of the room] Alright, you are welcome. I'm going to go because of, um, traffic." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Traffic, yeah. Oh, def- go, go because of traffic, definitely, beat-beat the traffic, mm-hmm." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I... will... [gives up and walks away]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "We tried and we failed. Stanley, you may go. Here is a box, for your things, but I doubt that that box will be able to contain all the memories that you have of this place. Fly away sweet little bird, fly away and be free. Pam, I'm gonna need some help writing a want ad." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um, wanted: middle aged black man with sass. Big butt, bigger heart. [knock on the door] I can't do this." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Michael? A word?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Of course." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I changed my mind, I wanna keep this job." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really?" } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I wasn't really planning on leaving, all I wanted was a raise. How on Earth did Michael call my bluff? Is he some sort of secret genius? [laughs] Sometimes I say crazy things." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm so sorry, Rolando told me everything. How humiliating. Would it help you to return to another age? A time of refinement, and civility." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Are you inviting me to the Finer Things Club?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[nods head yes]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh-oh, come on!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Irish accent] Angela's Ashes, top o' the morning to us. Frankie's prose is funnier than a pot of gold, say I." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Okay, did you get it out of your system." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yep. No, I mean I really liked it. I thought was uh, a fun read." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Fun?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mm-hmm." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "What was fun about it for you? Was it the death of the twins?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, that wasn't fun." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Did you even read it?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Of course I read it." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "How does it end?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Who was the main character?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Angela. Nope. The ashes." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[mouths \"I'm sorry\" to Oscar]" } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "And let me just add, that as a member of The Finer Things Club, I would bring a strong financial contribution to any discretionary funds that we may have. Finally, here is a recommendation from former U.S. Senator Rick Santorum." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Okay, that's enough, uh. Thanks, Andy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Mmmhmm. [leaves]" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "He's gonna ruin everything." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, my God. His letter of recommendation from Rick Santorum is three fifty-dollar bills." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Wow. Now we can afford hard-cover books." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I like it just us three. [very quietly] I don't want it to change." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "I love The Finer Things Club. My ex-wife used to have a book club, and I would read their book and sometimes listen from the kitchen." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "The Finer Things Club was not sanctioned by the Party Planning Committee. Renegade clubs are dangerous. I squashed the Weight Loss Buddy Support Group. They didn't need to gather. It was just gross." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "[slurping her from her big cup] I don't know why I'm not in The Finer Arts Club [slurring]. It's bullcrap. [throws her cup on the floor, something splashes on the camera] You clean it up." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[opens envelope Toby has handed him] Dear Andrew Bernard, after carefully examining your application to The Finer Things Club, we are unable to offer you a position at this place and time. We would, however, like to place you on a list in case an opportunity arises when your inclusion can be tolerated. Your position as an ongoing financial patron, however, is yours to cherish. Sincerely, The Finer Things Club. [pauses to consider] Yeees! [to Phyllis] I got waitlisted." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I got into Cornell off the Wait List. A lot of people were like, \"Oh, you just got into Cornell because your dad donated a building.\" No. Okay. I got into Cornell because I'm smart. I'm smart enough to have a dad who donates buildings to things." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Utica is snoozeville, um, Albany are the prepsters, Nashua, no parking, um, Akron is haunted, Camden... is in a basement, Yonkers has the two hot girls, and here in Scranton, we are the cool guys." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Woo! Shotgun!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, you're driving, right?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, I am, but I want shotgun for you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mmm... I'd prefer to sit in back." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wait! I wanted to sit next to you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, Dwight! Dwight, Jim is sitting next to me. You're gonna sit in the back left where I don't have to see your ugly moongob." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, that is so mean! You know what, I'm not going." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Dwight, you're handsome. You're a very handsome man, get in the car." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Woohoo!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[on phone] So, there was no sales call." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nnnno. Uh, turns out, it was just a really bad idea involving fire. But I think I fixed it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Wait, you're going along with this now?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I have to. Pam, if I'm not there, someone's going to go to jail. Or die." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Right. And, you wouldn't be able to talk to Karen." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, I promise you that has nothing to do with it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "A little bit." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, yeah I don't want to see her get physically harmed, that's for sure." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Because you love her? [baby voice] Because you love her very much?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right, I'm gonna go now." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay. Have fun with your girlfriend!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, I will. [idiot voice]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm kidding around. We joke about that stuff all the time. I'm not really the jealous type, so, I don't care if Jim sees Karen. I care a little." } ], [ { "character": "Security guard", "line": "They sprayed me in the eye. [Dwight and Michael are trapped by/under a copier in the stairwell]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[moans] Scranton rules! [sprays Silly Spray]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight! Stop it! [moans] Can you help me please, I'm being crushed." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Would it have killed you to spend the afternoon making love to her in a motel room? Like I begged you to? Pam would have understood. Heck, Pam would have done it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Pam is down for anything." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You embarrassed me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You embarrassed us." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah. We shoulda brought Andy. I cut a chunk out of my penis for nothing." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "I really didn't think I was going to have a good time, but I did. Totally did." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I love camping. [in a singing voice] Anything can happen." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Oh, it wasn't camping, it was more of a wilderness retreat. [Michael walks in]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Morning." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Michael." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ryan invited some of the branch managers and Toby into the woods for a \"get to know you\" weekend. Michael wasn't invited. Apparently they already knew everything they needed to know about him." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Did you sleep in cabins?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Under the stars. It was really beautiful, you should come." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Bob and I took rock climbing lessons once. [Michael laughs]" } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Michael wasn't invited on Ryan's camping trip. Toby went, but Michael didn't go. He wasn't invited." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Who went?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Me, Dan from Buffalo, Mark Chisholm, Jeff from Albany and Ryan, obviously. Made so many s'mores, that I finally had to say, \"No more s'mores, no more s'mores.\" [everyone in room but Michael laughs, Michael exits break room]" } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Ryan invited me to go on his wilderness adventure retreat. It was this amazing, beautiful experience [Michael knocks on the window behind Toby from outside]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[from outside] Hey, nobody cares. Nobody cares. I need that room at some point, so just, wrap it up." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Michael wasn't invited." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hypothetically, if I were to ask you to go camping, and you know what hypothetical means? [Jim makes a face] Not real." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Got it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So if I were to hypothetically ask you to go camping with me, would you go?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Absolutely, yes." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "When Michael plays the hypothetical game, I always say yes." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, you wanna go today?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "And I am always busy." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, can't go today, 'cause I'm donating blood." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "How often can you actually donate blood?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Is there a limit?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Your body only has a certain amount." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, is that it? Or?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, just this whole Toby, camping thing, uh, seems a little lame." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "How so?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "A bunch of guys, in a tent? Making s'mores? [makes a noise and gestures with his hands]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What's that?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hello, I'm Broken Mountain. You know, here's the thing. That's not how you go camping. I think you go camping by yourself---" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Right." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "In the wilderness. It's not with a group of guys frolicking around in tents. It's one guy, or two guys, if your plans change." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Not gonna change." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I wanna do it myself. You know, I want to go and, and find out something about myself, I wanna get outta here. All the cliques, and the office politics. Fluorescent lights. Asbestos." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I thought we had that looked at." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm sick of it Jim. I'm sick of this place." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "When Jan and I had satellite, we used to watch a reality show called \"Survivorman.\" And, it was interesting because it was about a guy who would go out in the middle of no where and just try not to die, try not to get eaten by an animal, or be overexposed." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK, I will only need two things. Roll of duct tape and a knife." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[winks] I'm on it. [leaves room]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK. Thirty minutes or less, please come back. Save the receipts. [Dwight comes back with set of knives] Hey, what..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Let's see if any of these will work. [clears the front of Michael's desk]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, hey hey! Dwight. [Dwight rolls out an assortment knives]. Dwight." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I keep various weaponries strategically placed around the office. I saved Jim's life with a can of pepper spray I had velcroed under my desk. People say, \"Oh, it's dangerous to keep weapons in the home or the work place.\" Well I say, \"It's better to be hurt by someone you know accidentally, than by a stranger on purpose.\"" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight and I are going out. He will return later, but I will not. I will also be taking a personal day tomorrow, and perhaps the next day." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Do you want me to ask where you're going?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Great." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight will be driving me deep into the Pennsylvania wilderness." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Where he will then leave me to either die or to survive. The choice is yours." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hmm, no, the choice is actually yours. Are you sure you want to do this?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, and I am leaving you in charge of the office for the rest of the day and for the next several days. Do not try to follow me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "OK, great." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "This is a very personal, private experience in the wild, that I wish to share it with me, myself and I." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yup." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "When I return, I hope to be a completely changed human being." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That'd be great." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Do I believe that Michael possesses the skills to survive in a hostile environment? Let's put it this way: no, I do not." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "This is what a true survivor man does. You simulate a disaster, like a plane wreck. You could only wear the clothes that you have on, and you could only use the stuff you have in your pockets. Now, in this case, this disaster is a serial killer. Creepy guy who's abducted me and is taking me out into the wilderness to leave me for dead." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, I would never leave you for dead. You would never escape." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, yes I would. And I would survive." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I would make sure that you were dead." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "First, I would remove your teeth and cut off your fingertips so you could not be identified." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And they would call me the Overkill Killer." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You... you are as creepy as a real serial killer. For real. [blindfolds eyes with tie] OK." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am putting this on so I have no familiarity with my surroundings. Now this way, I can't retrace my steps. I don't know what streets we've been--- [Dwight whacks Michael with his shoe] Ow! What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It would be better if you were unconscious." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No! Gosh! Dwight. [Dwight tries to hit Michael with his shoe again] Stop it, stop it! Stop it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Do you want to do this right or not?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just, please allow me to have one cathartic experience in my life?" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Jim, we need to order a cake for Creed's birthday." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, wasn't it just someone's birthday?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yes. Kelly's was last week, remember?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I do remember, yeah." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "It's birthday month. Creed's is today. Oscar's is week after next. Meredith's is at the end of the month. [Jim exhales deeply] Michael usually goes with red and white streamers..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know what, I have an idea. Why don't we just do one big shared party?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "What?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "There are thirteen people working in this office, so thirteen times a year Michael gets a cake and balloons, and some sort of joke gift and makes a toast. There are two types of toasts. One is a joke about how old you are." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[flashback to Stanley's birthday] Look at those wrinkles. Blacks do crack! Not crack the drug." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "And the other is something inappropriate. Or horrible. Or both. What else? He only sings the high harmony to \"Happy Birthday.\" And he's a very big believer in surprise parties. Maybe even, arguably, possibly to a fault." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[flashback to Kelly's birthday, hiding in the elevator] Happy Birthday!" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Ahhh!! [drops the papers she was holding]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[flashback to Oscar's birthday, hiding in the break room] Happy Birthday!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Ahhh! [runs into door and Michael laughs]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[flashback to Phyllis' birthday, sneaking up on Phyllis' car] Happy Birthday!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh! [Michael laughs]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "So... I think, yeah, I think getting these out of the way might be productive." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "We can just have one big fun party. Everybody's happy, nobody wastes their time." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I don't like it. [Angela leaves]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Wow! You're shaking things up a bit, huh?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It's a pretty good idea, don't you think?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Do you think it's a good idea?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No... I think it's a great idea." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[smiles] Hmm." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "We're here. [gets out of the car]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight will take my blindfold off when we are deep in the forest. Just the two of us from this point out." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[leading Michael from car] Here we go. Just the two of us [gestures for camera crew to follow]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Here we go, into the wild. Mighty forest. Can you smell the trees and the nature?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Keep going, you're fine. Just some bushes and some thickets [leads Michael into some tall grass] Keep going. You wanted wilderness, you got it." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know, try sending them another invoice." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Ok." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright. [starts walking away, but returns] Oh, did you see my memo by the way?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[picks up and reads memo] \"Let's be honest, as fun as birthdays are we could all use a break from the constant cake, so let's celebrate birthday month in style today.\" This is really cool." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Right? I was just thinking..." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "No, totally, totally. This way we get it all out of the way at once and it could actually be fun." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Right! Exactly. [pats Oscar on the back and walks away] Knew I could count on you. [Oscar rolls his eyes]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Good a spot as any. [They stop and Dwight starts spinning Michael around in circles]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What are you doing? Stop. Dwight, Dwight. Just --" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm just --" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Stop." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Spin. I'm trying to confuse your sense of direction. [stops spinning and takes Michael's blindfold off] Behold." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright, good. Thank you, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Here's your knife. Here's your duct tape." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright, very good. Ahh, OK. [Dwight gives Michael a hug]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Good luck, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thanks for the ride. OK. Leave me be, Dwight. [Dwight runs off]" } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Hey, Jim, can I have my own cake?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What's that?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I really prefer devils food cake." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, sure." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Yes!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "OK. [Meredith leaves]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Wow! That was easy." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, people like me I guess." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "[knocking from outside window in break room] Jim." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "I hate devils food." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well I think Meredith was just --" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Screw Meredith, I don't think it's fair to let someone else pick the cake on my birthday." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Everybody's birthday." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Today is actually my birthday and I want to pick the cake." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What do you want?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "I want pie. I want peach pie." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You want a birthday pie?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "I want a nice cobbler." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, I'm gonna to talk to Angela and we're gonna see what we can do about a pie." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "I don't care who you talk to. Just make it happen." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It will be Angela." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "You tell her it's for Creed. She'll know what that means." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[to own camcorder] Day One. I'm in the interior of the vast Pennsylvania wilderness. I've brought with me only the bare essentials. A knife, roll of duct tape, in case I need to craft some shelter or make some sort of water vessel. It's hot today. The sun is in the two-thirds easterly quadrant, which would make it about [looks at watch] 2 o'clock in the afternoon. It's really beating down on me now. I think that I want to get a little more comfortable because the sun is depleting my resources. [cuts pants with knife] OK. OH, there we go. Watch that I don't hit my corroded artery here..." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I lied to Michael. I said that I would leave him alone, but I will not. I will remain close by to provide unseen moral support, but I will never help him. I will let harm befall him. I will even let him die. But I will never let him lose his dignity." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "There we go. [standing with short sleeves and short pants] Much better. Now everything I brought with me can be used. My sport coat here, can be fashioned into a backpack of sorts [ties jacket around neck]." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm going to wear what was once one of my pant legs. [puts pant leg on head like a hat]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "See, this is a beautiful piece of material [rips other pant leg in half] This could be used for all sorts of things." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Some sort of kerchief to keep my neck nice and comfortable." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Tuna. [rolls in chair to Jim's desk]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Andy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Me likey the ice cream cake, okay? Fudgie the Whale." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Not your birthday." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well, I'm just saying, you know, if you want to make people happy, namely me, you will have a Fudgie the Whale." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright, I'll look into it, but the answer's no." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Wow, OK, harsh. Just don't expect me to show up." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, Andy, I have some calls to make." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Loud and clear. [rolls in chair back to desk]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright. [Andy rolls back]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Pizza rolls." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "OK, I'm gonna go into this office here [gets up and walks into Michael's office] to do some work. So I will be in here." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Mushroom caps." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am totally alone right now, with only my thoughts. I love it. I'm loving it. I can literally say anything I want. No one is gonna here me. [screams] Wish I could have gone with Ryan on that cool retreat! Jan has plastic boobs! I HAVE HEMORRHOIDS! Doesn't even matter." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael is a man of great depth and passion. I don't know what he's searching for out here. [pulls a nest from a tree] I hope he finds it. [picks up some bird eggs] Lunch." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well it is a little chillier than I had thought, so I have fashioned my hat back into my pants. Several hours in, time for me to find some nourishment. Now, these woods are full of creatures that can sustain human life. Things like, uh, squirrels, nice juicy rabbit would be delicious." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "About two more minutes [cooking bird eggs]." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I have made this spear, with which I will impale my dinner. And it couldn't come a moment too soon because I have been without food for a good three hours or so. I'm startin' to feel it a little bit. Ohh... It's Creed's birthday. [singing] Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to Creed. Happy Birthday to you. Happy birthday, buddy." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "What is Jim thinking? It's a birthday, so what if there's a lot of them?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah, I work hard all day. I like knowing that there's going to be a break. Most days I just sit and wait for the break." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I took an extra shot of insulin in preparation for this cake today. If I don't have some cake soon, I might die." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Why don't you just have an apple?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Why don't you mind your business?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Listen, I figured this out. Jimmy had his birthday three weeks ago, so he doesn't care." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Probably went to his head." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Yeah. [Jim enters room]" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Hey, Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey guys, what're we talking about?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Nothing! Nothing going on. We're talking about nothing. C'mon gang." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well if you take a look at this, I tented my pants. I've made myself a nice pants tent shelter. And this little guy [pats a large tree trunk] may be Dunder Mifflin paper some day." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Nothing to worry about. Just using the scope. Safety is... [clicks rifle into safety mode] on." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "[knocks] Hey Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Toby." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Hey, I just got the word on the communal birthdays. Great idea." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, thanks man." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Yeah..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Is there anything --" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "My birthday was two months ago." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, OK." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "There was no party." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Well, it... there was. But Michael scheduled it for 4:58 on a Friday. You know, people sang in the parking lot." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I remember that." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I don't know, I just thought you could include me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Seriously?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I just though you could add me. I don't see the harm in that." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Toby's great. He's great, but sometimes he can be a little bit much. [in Toby voice] I don't see the harm in that. Well, it's a cake Toby, so, c'mon." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "OK. Yeah, you know what, we're just gonna throw you in. Because more the merrier, right?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No. No way. I am not a machine, Jim. You can't just change plans willy nilly and expect these little magic party elves to do your bidding. We already have devils food, peach cobbler, Fudgie the Whale, mushroom caps." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I'm allergic to mushrooms." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's a bummer. OK, then we need to...[steps outside office] Hey everybody. Hi, how you doing? Can I have your attention please? 'Cause we have to talk about this birthday thing." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[raises hand] Conference room?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes, conference room in five minutes... No. No. We're gonna solve it right here. We're actually gonna talk about it out here. So, who has problems with the birthday thing? [everyone raises hands] One, two, three, everybody. OK, so then we just shouldn't do it." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "What am I supposed to do with two cakes and a pie?'" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh, I'll take 'em." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Well nobody's touching my cobbler." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "[raises hand] Hey, Michael. I mean Jim." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yup, Phyllis called me Michael. And I will always and forever be haunted by that fact." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Under this tree, I think I struck the mother load. Those [points camera to mushrooms] are nature's best mushrooms. Wild, and I have to say these little buggers are damn tasty as well. [puts them in mouth]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Stop! No, no Michael! Nooo! Nooo! [runs up to Michael and knocks him over] Nooo! Arghh. Get, get them out. [picks out mushrooms from Michael's mouth]" } ], [ { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday [Michael joins in with high note] to Creed. Happy Birthday to you. [Creed blows up candles on pie]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah! [everybody clapping] Alright, skip around the room. Skip around the room. We want -- OK, alright. Yeah, don't do that. You're gonna break something." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Man became civilized for a reason. He decided that he liked to have warmth, and clothing, and television, and hamburgers, and to walk upright, and to have a soft futon at the end of the day. He didn't want to have to struggle to survive. I don't need the woods. I have a nice wood desk. I don't need fresh air, because I have the freshest air around, A.C. And I don't need wide open spaces. Check it out. [shows off computer screen scenery] I can also make it the sky." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, buddy." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What up?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Sure glad you're back." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You are relieved." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You have no idea." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So what did I miss?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, I tried to put all the birthdays together at once." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "So, terrible idea." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, okay, I did that. Rookie mistake." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You did do it?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh huh. Yeah, just wait. Ten years, you'll figure it out." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, I don't think I'll be here in ten years." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's what I said. That's what she said." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's what who said?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I never know. I just say it. I say stuff like that, you know, to lighten the tension. When things sort of get hard." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's what she said." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey! Nice. Really good. Bravo, my young ward." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Come in!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, it's Creed's birthday today. Should we get him an ice-cream cake? Mint chocolate chip?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam, are you my friend?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, no." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We have been friends forever, right?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes, I have been working with you forever." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hypothetically... would you go camping with me, if I were to ask you? And bear in mind that I would never actually ask you to go camping. That Jim is also a friend of mine, and I would rather die than make any sort of improper ovation toward you." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't think so." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Here's the thing. When Michael invents a hypothetical situation, he eventually turns it into an actual situation." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do you understand that Jim is like a brother to me, and I would never do anything inappropriate?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I do." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So, as friends, would you go with me on a camping trip?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you for your honesty." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You're welcome. Open or closed?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Split the difference. Hey... mint chocolate chip, please? Is Jim out there?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Can you send Dwight in here?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah. Dwight, Michael wants to see you in his office. [Dwight runs in]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You wanted to see me?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mmhmm. I had something very personal I would like to discuss. [Dwight closes door, takes off glasses, kneels in front of Michael's desk] Would you go find Jim, and send him in here, please?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm on it." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael has employed Dwight to track you down." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "How much time do I have?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jim, Michael's office." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Couple minutes, give or take." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Now, Jim!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And this... is a Hassenfass. Case-hardened steel. One side, as sharp as you'd ever want something to be. The other side serrated for maximum damage." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Look at that. Perfectly balanced. This is a fine precision instrument." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right, Dexter, just give me the knife." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Don't you want a sheath for that?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, just get me a case. [Dwight looks at the camera, lifts his leg onto the desk, removes the sheath from his ankle, and gives it to Michael] All right." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Anything else? Flint..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "MmMmm. All I need..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Parka..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, Dwight!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Tent, rainfly, gorp..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm telling you, all I will need are my instincts and my will to survive." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Mmmnnnnmmm..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[holding up knife] What is this called again?" } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "So the figures show improvement right there, Michael. And again- [Pam walks in and shows Michael a note]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'll call back." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "You never call back." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Every time Michael's in a meeting, he makes me come in and give him a Post-It note telling him who's on the phone. I did it once, and he freaked out. He loved it so much. The thing is he doesn't get that many calls. So he has me make them up every 10 minutes." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Pam walks in and shows Michael a note that says \"Good Morning\"] Yeah, um, tell him I'll call him back." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "[laughing]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You can't always work 200 days though." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Pam walks in and shows Michael a note that has a smiley face] Oh, no, no, no, I don't have time for this. Tell him I'm in a meeting. [Jan looks impressed]" } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "You have to know how to work this. There's no excuse for this." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yep." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I can get you a tutor if you need- [Pam walks in and shows Michael a note with a waving, smiling Hot Dog saying \"Hiya Buddy\"]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh. Ah, this is a very important client. But, I have the most important client sitting right in front of me, my boss, so I will call him later." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Oh, no, no, no, customer service is obviously priority one. You can take the call." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "N-No, money isn't everything Ryan. And you're my friend, and I don't want to be rude." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Take the call, friend." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I refuse. My house, my rules, I insist." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I insist you take your work calls." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh, okay, all right. Pam, would you put the call through? [Pam pushes a button the phone] Hi buddy." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "I don't know, it's just, ugh, I never felt welcomed there, you know? It's such a...boys club." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, I hate that." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Good." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So, here's the deal. Um, I am on my way to New York to be deposed as part of Jan's wrongful termination law suit. The company fired her for having the courage to augment her boobs." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "And they displayed a pattern of disrespect and inappropriate behavior." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, yes. Pat-tern. Patt-ern. My friend Pat took a turn. That's how I remember that. Could we pull over and put down the top? I'm feeling a little queasy." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Um, no, I want it up. My hair." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well-" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Remember, it isn't just a pattern, It's a pattern of disrespect, and inappropriate behavior." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Disray .My friend Disray got news specs. Disray spect. My friend Inappro drives a Prius with his behind neighbor." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Does this work for you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yep. Tell them how much you're gonna get if you win." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Uh, come on Micheal, that's tacky." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Million dollars!" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Four million." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Four million dollars! Man that is a lot of guacamole. A lot of the green. Lot of green. That is why I have memorized Jan's answers, and I have also thrown in some errs, and ahhs, to make it seem like it's not memorized." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "No, Michael. Oh, come on." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Perfect crime." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Stop saying ridiculous things. He's just gonna tell the truth, the truth is-is very...you know, complicated, so we went over it carefully, and-and just so we wouldn't leave anything up to chance or Michael's judgment." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Could we please pull over and pull down the top, I do not feel good." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Michael, I told you, I am not putting the top down." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm getting car sick! Ugh, I'm gonna puke. I think I'm gonna throw up." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "All right, fine, just a second. Hold on." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, Schneider, real quick. What do you call a butt load of lawyers driving off a cliff?" }, { "character": "Lester", "line": "A good start. And I think it's busload." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, a bunch of rich lawyers took the bus. [To Jan] Where did you find this guy? Hey, there he is." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Hey Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey hey." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I'm glad you're here. I actually need to talk to you for a second." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Could we talk off the record? As friends?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I would love that." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Jan... has put the company in a very tough position here. Now you've been with us for a long time. Over 10 years, right? We just want to be sure that you won't do anything to hurt us with your testimony. Do you understand?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Abso-fruitley. Yeah. I'll-I'll do anything for the company." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Good. That is great to hear." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It is." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[playing ping-pong] Game, son!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right, let's run it back." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "The warehouse got a ping pong table last week. Now Jim comes down and plays with Darryl. Sometimes I bring him juice. My boyfriend is 12." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "What has two skinny chicken legs and sucks at ping pong?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hi, Kelly." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Guess whose boyfriend it is?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't wanna guess." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I'll give you a hint: It's not my boyfriend. I think it's a guy over here [points to Jim]." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I don't talk trash, I talk smack. They're totally different. Trash talk is hypothetical, like: Your mom is so fat she can eat the internet. But smack talk is happening like right now. Like: You're ugly and I know it for a fact so I got the evidence right there." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Jim. Can I see you for a second?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Sure." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay, it's not regulation size, but it'll do. You have to practice. You have to get real good and beat Darryl." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, I can't beat Darryl." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Please? Kelly's trash talking me because Darryl is beating you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What, seriously? What is she saying?" } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[flashback, to Pam] Your boyfriend is so weak, he needs steroids just to watch baseball." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[flashback, to Pam] Jim couldn't hit a ping pong ball if it was the size of the moon." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[flashback, to Pam] Were Jim's parents first cousins that were also bad at ping pong?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "So you're asking me to defend your honor against Kelly?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Sorta, yes." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Bring me players." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Diane Kelly", "line": "Hi everyone, I'm Diane Kelly. I'm the company's chief legal counsel." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hi. [Michael sees Toby] No, no, absolutely not. What is he doing here?" }, { "character": "Diane", "line": "Toby?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Are you renewing your divorce vows, before my deposition?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Michael, I'm your HR Rep. I'm on your side." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Never. I want him gone. I don't talk until he leaves." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Michael, just relax, okay?" }, { "character": "Diane", "line": "You know, I think they're, uh ready for us now. So.." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. All right." } ], [ { "character": "Deposition Reporter", "line": "Mr. Scott. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yessh." }, { "character": "Lester", "line": "Mr. Scott, can you describe the circumstances of Ms. Levinson's termination?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, it was not just termination. It was a pattern of disrespect and inappropriate behavior." }, { "character": "Lester", "line": "Oh. Very good. Well put." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "People underestimate Michael. There are plenty of things that he is well above average at. Like ice skating. He is a very good ice skater." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, Kevin. Jim needs to see you." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "About what?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "He needs help balancing some travel receipts." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Are you sure he wants me? Because I have Oscar balance my travel receipts." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, no, he asked for you specifically. He's in the conference room." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[enters conference room and sees ping pong table] Oh, awesome! [Pam puts \"Meeting in Progress\" sign on the door]" } ], [ { "character": "Lester", "line": "How long have you known the plaintiff?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I haven't actually seen it. But I have seen the firm, and I am planning on renting The Pelican Brief" }, { "character": "Lester", "line": "How long have you known Ms. Levinson?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Six years and two months." }, { "character": "Lester", "line": "And you were directly under her the entire time?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's what she said." }, { "character": "Lester", "line": "Excuse me?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's what she said." }, { "character": "Lester", "line": "Ms. Levinson told you she was your direct superior?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh, wh-why would she say that?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Can we just move on to another question?" }, { "character": "Diane", "line": "No wait, I don't understand. Who's on record on saying this?" }, { "character": "Lester", "line": "With all due respect, I'm in the middle of a line of questioning. Now Mr. Scott, what did you say Ms. Levinson said? Regarding your employment status with respect to her corporate position." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Come again? That's what she said? I don't know what you're talking about." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Okay, if I may, he was just telling a joke before, so can we move on to another question?" }, { "character": "Lester", "line": "Oh, are you sure?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Uh, yes." }, { "character": "Lester", "line": "Can you go back to where this digression began?" }, { "character": "Deposition Reporter", "line": "[reading off paper] Mr. Schneider: And you were directly under her the entire time? Mr. Scott: That's what she said." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, delivery is all wrong. She's butchering it." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[Pam leaving bathroom, Kelly entering, awkward moment, Pam steps aside to let Kelly in] Yeah, that's what I thought." } ], [ { "character": "Lester", "line": "Did Ms. Levinson ever say why she thought she was being fired?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "She thought it had to do with the twins. That's what I call them." }, { "character": "Lester", "line": "Can you be more specific? Who are the twins?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um, to be delicate, they hang off milady's chest. They... make milk." }, { "character": "Lester", "line": "You don't need to go any further. Her breasts." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Lester", "line": "She thought it had something to do with her recent breast enhancement surgery?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, and frankly, the timing was nothing short of predominant." }, { "character": "Lester", "line": "What about your romantic relationship with Ms. Levinson? Could that have played a part in her termination?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, if it did, then the company is breaking its own rules." }, { "character": "Lester", "line": "Interesting. How so?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Because before we started dating, we disclosed our relationship to HR. And I have the proof right here. [makes a gasping sound]" }, { "character": "Diane", "line": "Okay, the company has just a few clarifying questions, Mr. Scott, if that's okay with you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I will allow it." }, { "character": "Diane", "line": "Um would you mind please just, uh, taking a quick look at, uh, this photograph please. [Diane hands Michael the photo of Jan and Michael in Jamaica]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh..." }, { "character": "Diane", "line": "That is you and Ms. Levinson in Jamaica, is that correct?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh-huh." }, { "character": "Diane", "line": "And that photograph was taken more than two months prior to this start of your relationship. Does that sound right? Mr. Scott, the timeline here is actually very important. Please, when did your relationship actually begin?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ugh. Well, de-depends on how you define \"begin\". I mean, if it was from the first time we shook hands, that's like six years ago. If it's from the first time we kissed, that's like two years ago." }, { "character": "Diane", "line": "Wait, excuse me?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "If it was the first time we kissed sober, it was like four months after that." }, { "character": "Lester", "line": "Could we take a short break?" }, { "character": "Diane", "line": "No, uh, are you telling me that your relationship began two years ago and not in February as you previously testified to here?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Line." }, { "character": "Diane", "line": "I'm sorry, what?" }, { "character": "Man", "line": "He asked for a line, like in a play." } ], [ { "character": "Deposition Reporter", "line": "[reading off paper] \"Mr. Scott, do you realize you just contradicted yourself?\" \"I did?\" \"Yes you did.\" \"Can I go to the bathroom?\" \"No.\" \"I really have to, I've been drinking lots of water.\" \"You went five minutes ago.\" \"That wasn't to go to the bathroom, that was to get out of a question.\" \"You still have to answer it.\" \"First can I go to the bathroom?\" \"No.\"" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Good game Meredith." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Don't patronize me." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "All right! What is going on here?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dwight! Thank God you're here. As it turns out, one of our biggest clients is a ping pong master, and I have to play him tomorrow, or we lose the account. Can you help me out? Will you help me practice?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Dwight and Jim are playing ping-pong, and Dwight scores] What the hell?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I told you." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "All of my heroes are table tennis players. Zoran Primorac, Jan-Ove Waldner, Wang Tao, J�rg Ro�kopf, and of course Ashraf Helmi. I even have a life size poster of Hugo Hoyama on my wall. And the first time I left Pennsylvania was to go the hall of fame induction ceremony of Andrzej Grubba." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jan and I had an off again, on again relationship for two years. And I know this destroys her case, and I am sorry, but I throw myself at the mercy of the deposition." }, { "character": "Diane Kelly", "line": "Thank you, Mr. Scott. That's all we needed to know." }, { "character": "Lester", "line": "Wait, we'd like to enter to the record a page from Michael Scott's personal journal." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Whoa whoa whoa whoa! What are you doing with my diary?" }, { "character": "Lester", "line": "This is plaintiff's exhibit 107. I quote from an entry dated Janruary 4 of this past year. \"Just got back from Jamaica. Tan almost everywhere. Jan almost everywhere. Hehe. Oh diary, what a week. I had sex with my boss. I don't know if it's going to go anywhere. Jan was very specific that this is not going anywhere, that it was a one time mistake. But we had sex six times so you tell me. I am definitely feeling very eerie.\"" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Irie." }, { "character": "Lester", "line": "Irie, sorry. \"More tomorrow. xoxo, Michael.\" It would appear, that neither you nor Ms. Levinson considered you had a relationship in any sense of the word. Is that correct?" }, { "character": "Diane Kelly", "line": "We're gonna need to see a copy of that entire journal before we proceed." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't think anyone in this room has the right to read my diary." }, { "character": "Diane Kelly", "line": "It's basic discovery. We have the right to review it." }, { "character": "Man", "line": "OK, let's make ten copies of this diary." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Um, can you make it eleven?" }, { "character": "Man", "line": "Eleven, sure. And we'll break for lunch, so everyone can have a look." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[looking for a place to sit, goes to Toby's table] Can I sit here?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "[nods] ...You know, I, uh, I know a little about what you're going through in a way. Um, when I was a kid, my parents got divorced. They both wanted custody, and they both asked me to testify against the other one in court. So, I don't know, I didn't want them getting divorced in the first place you know? I loved them both so much. I just wanted... [Michael pushes Toby's food tray off the table and walks off]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "How can you give up my diary like that?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I had to, I'm sorry but I need to win this. We need to win this." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "How'd you even find it?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "You keep it under my side of the mattress." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't like lump. I'm really upset about this." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Alright, I stole your diary and gave it to my lawyer. You emailed a topless photo of me to everyone in our company. Let's call it even." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Fine. I love you." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I love you too." } ], [ { "character": "Diane Kelly", "line": "[looking at a copy of Michael's diary] Mr. Scott, who is this other woman, Ryan? Who you refer to her as \"Just as hot as Jan, but in a different way.\"" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Not a woman, just a cool, great looking, best friend." }, { "character": "Lester", "line": "Aren't we trying to determine whether Michael or Jan were engaged in a romantic affair? Not Michael and this Ryan person." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "[laughs out loud] Excuse me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright, alright. This is the way I see it. Yes, I had sex with Jan, and yes, I did consider Jan to be my girlfriend. However, Jan clearly didn't consider me to be her boyfriend. So her actions are completely rightful." }, { "character": "Diane Kelly", "line": "OK Mr. Scott, it's, it's admirable the way you defend a woman who is so obviously ambivalent about her relationship with you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you very much. You didn't have to say that." }, { "character": "Diane Kelly", "line": "Considering she consistently gave you such poor performance reviews." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That was before our relationship. She was going through a divorce, and she was drinking a lot... [Jan glares at Michael] ...of water." }, { "character": "Diane Kelly", "line": "Mr. Scott, this is a copy of a particularly negative performance review. Would you mind, uh, reading the date on that please? [slides the performance review towards Michael]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "March 17th." }, { "character": "Diane Kelly", "line": "And that would be a month after your relationship became official, is that correct?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Diane Kelly", "line": "You may read the, uh, highlighted portion out loud if you'd like to." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[reading the performance review] \"I am out of carrots. I am out of sticks. Mr. Scott has time and again proven himself to be an unmanageable employee, and a poor branch manager. I recommend he be removed from that position and re-assigned to sales where he belongs.\"" }, { "character": "Diane Kelly", "line": "Mr. Scott, after hearing that wouldn't you say Ms. Levinson's judgment is, at least, very seriously flawed?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[stares at Diane, eyes tearing up]" }, { "character": "Diane Kelly", "line": "Mr. Scott?" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[walks in the conference room where Jim and Dwight are playing ping-pong] How's it going?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, he has gone from completely hopeless to simply miserable." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Check this out though, spin serve. [serves, and Dwight scores] Well, it works like 80% of the time, so..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Nice. So, should I reschedule the rematch with Darryl now?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I think I'm ready." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'll make the call." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wait a minute, Darryl is the client? ...No, no, no. He works here, dumbass." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "...Right. Spin-serve! [serves, and Dwight scores]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "How can you do that to me?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "[looks at Lester]" }, { "character": "Lester", "line": "You can respond, just remember it's all going into the record." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Michael, I am not the enemy, OK? Dunder Mifflin is the enemy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dunder Mifflin has always treated me with the utmost respect, with loyalty. They were going to give me your job and I should have taken it." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Alright, wait. Before you go any further, let me show you what kind of loyalty they have, OK? Lester, please read that part of Wallace's deposition." }, { "character": "Lester", "line": "Starting at paragraph 6. Council: \"Mr. Wallace, regarding Michael Scott, was he a contender to replace Jan Levinson?\" David Wallace: \"Yes.\"" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "See? I was his number 1 contender. I was being groomed." }, { "character": "Lester", "line": "Council: \"Was he your first choice?\" David Wallace: \"Michael Scott is a fine employee who has been with the company for many years.\"" }, { "character": "Council", "line": "\"Was he in the top 5 of contenders?\" David Wallace: \"What do you want me to say? Come on, he's a nice guy. There were many people that I considered.\" Council: \"Was he seriously being considered for the corporate job?\" David Wallace: \"No.\"" }, { "character": "Lester", "line": "I have one more question, Mr. Scott. Wouldn't you agree with Ms. Levinson that the company exhibits a pattern of disrespect toward its employees?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "...Absolutely not." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[watches Jim score in ping-pong against Darryl] Yes! Way to go. [looks at Kelly] See that?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Yeah, the floppy haired girl you date won a point." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "19, serving 4. [serves and scores]" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Woooh! Nice baby! Nice one! [starts singing] Hey, hey, you, you! I don't like your boyfriend! Cuz, cuz, cuz, cuz, cuz he sucks at ping-pong!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You know what? I'm sick of this! Let's go, you and me!" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Let's go. Pick up a paddle." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "OK. Bring it on." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I am." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Think you can handle this?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "In my sleep." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "OK. Volley for serve, P. [serves]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "O. [hits the ping-pong ball, and it hits the net] [serves] P." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "O. [hits the ping-pong ball, and it hits the net]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Do you want to go play on the table upstairs?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yes." } ], [ { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Michael. I am very sorry." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, hey no biggie. Just..." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "No, no, no, no, no. This was rough. We never meant for you to get caught in the middle of this. I'm very sorry." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[nods and shakes hands with David Wallace] Hey, David?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Yeah?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I think you're a nice guy too." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Thanks, Michael." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why did I do it? I don't know. Jan said that it was because of the photo that she revealed the diary. But she already brought the diary with her to New York, so... You expect to get screwed by your company, but you never expect to get screwed by your girlfriend." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Driving with Jan in the car] What do you want to do for dinner?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "How about Chinese?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sure trying to save some money... get something cheap." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "That was my cheap suggestion. Chinese was my cheap suggestion." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do you fast food?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Fine, fast food's fine." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "So, where did you learn how to play?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Cambodia. You?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "My friend's basement. All right, ready to start?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Let's do this thing. [Creed loses the first point, tosses his paddle on the table and starts taking off his shirt. Jim retrieves the ball and looks back to see Creed with his shirt untucked and unbuttoned]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "We're not playing strip pong? [Jim shakes his head no] Okay. [Creed picks up paddle]" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I totally see that. [looking at spreadsheet]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Right. There, first..." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Yeah, yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I think that's the question that you had..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "It's a problem with the client. I think, Jim..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. [makes 'talking' gesture with her hand] Jim, come on, we gotta get in there and practice. Okay? I'm not kidding!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow. [heads toward the conference room]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Now. Get good work done. Concentrate." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "On your backhand. [Jim opens the conference room door and enters]" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Booyah! [laughs]" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "[laughing] Thought we were playing for fun." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "No one paid me to say 'Booyah.' Now pick up the ball." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "But it's closer to you." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[kicks ball toward Phyllis] Now it isn't." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What are you guys doing?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh, we're in a meeting." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh yeah, how long's this meeting going to last? [Stanley mumbles, looking at his watch]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[calling in, unseen] I have next meeting!" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I played a lot of pong growing up. I spent a lot of time on cruise ships. I'm also a monster snorkler." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Okay, you know what, this table's not regulation." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Good eye - it's an oval. [Andy compares his arm length to his side of the conference table] You're measuring the table." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Do you know anything about physics?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Do you?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Just serve. Let's go. [hits one into net] Dammit! These balls are weighted weird, aren't they?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yup." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah. Get another one. [throws the offending ball at Jim, who takes another from his pocket]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Now, wait a minute. You're not gonna punch a wall, or me, or anything like that if you don't win the point, are you?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I don't know! No, okay, just... serve!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I have some, uh, experience. I, um, once had to testify in a traffic accident case." }, { "character": "Man", "line": "Then you're an old hand at this." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes. My testimony was actually very important, um, because the accident was my fault. [To Toby] Tell Meredith I said it another time [Toby nods]." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "Yes, Michael is going to be cross-examined today, which'll be very, very risky for me, nonetheless, not an easy decision to make, but it's a deposition. It's not going to be in front of a judge. And it's four million dollars." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Before we continue, I would like to make an opening statement." }, { "character": "Man", "line": "Fine. Please be brief." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[clears throat and stands] Ladies and gentlemen of... the... table. I would just like to say what a joy it is for me to be here today, but frankly, at my age, it's a joy to be anywhere [no one laughs]. I'm only forty-four, so I'm not old, and I guess that doesn't really play. But the point is, I have a sense of humor. And I implore you all to have a sense of humor as well. Jan, David, my wonderful girlfriend [indicates Jan, then turns to David Wallace], my gorgeous company... Why don't we all just take a big deep breath... and just relax [breathes in deeply, no one responds]. Good. That feels good [sits]. All right. Everybody feel better?" }, { "character": "Diane Kelly", "line": "Two years ago, when you quote \"kissed and fondled in the Chili's parking lot\" [Jan sighs and shakes her head], were you aware of company guidelines specifically discouraging that behavior?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Na, Na-oh, Naa-es." }, { "character": "Diane Kelly", "line": "Yeah, I'm sorry, that's not a word." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ye-ohh. Ye-no." }, { "character": "Diane Kelly", "line": "Okay. Were you aware that when Jan was with you, she claimed to be visiting clients, or, uh, traveling to see her sister in Scottsdale?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Very nice! [Borat voice]" }, { "character": "Diane Kelly", "line": "I'm sorry. Excuse me?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "High five! [Borat voice]" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Sometimes when he gets nervous he, uh, talks like Borat." }, { "character": "Diane Kelly", "line": "Okay, Mr. Scott, would you mind, um, speaking in your normal voice for us. Please." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[shakes head] Can't stop." }, { "character": "Diane Kelly", "line": "Okay [nods]." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Forgot normal talk." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "This is ridiculous." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Do you have any idea what time we'll get out of here?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nobody likes to work late, least of all me. [to Jim] Do you have plans tonight?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nope I don't, remember when you told us not to make plans 'cause we're working." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes I remember. Mmm, this is B.S. This is B.S. Why are we here? I am going to call corporate. Enough is enough, I'm - God, I'm so mad! [on phone] This is Michael Scott, Scranton, well we don't want to work. No we don't! It's not fair to these people. These people are my friends and I care about them! We're not going to do it! [hangs up] Everybody I just got off the horn with corporate and basically I told them where they could stick their little overtime assignment. Go enjoy your Friday." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thank you Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right, happy Friday. [to Jim] Well I think we dodged a bullet there." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I think you did." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I think we should celebrate. How about you, Pam, mi casa, a little dinner, dancing, drinks?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, I-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You said you didn't have plans. That's what you said." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Michael has asked Pam and me to dinner at least 9 times. And every time we've been able to get out of it. But I've got to give him credit, he got me. Because I'm starting to suspect that there was no assignment from corporate." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael, what time should I be arriving?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight, it's couples only. And besides, I only have six wine glasses, so it will be me and Jan, and Pam and Jim, and Angela and Andy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey-o!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Does it bother me that I wasn't invited to Michael's dinner party? [breaks down crying]" } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hello." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "How are you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Come on in. Good to see you." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Chilly huh? So glad we finally got to do this with you guys. You wanna take their coats babe?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes I would. So, what have you been doing?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Let's see, since I saw you an hour ago?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I have been getting ready and then driving over here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well we have been doing pretty much the same thing." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Except driving." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We got you this. [gives a bottle of wine]" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Oh well Pam, thank you, this will be great to cook with." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well have a seat, or come on in, or, I don't know, make yourself to home. This is our casa." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's really nice." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "So what do you guys think, should we do the tour first or the appetizers first?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Tour, let's do the tour first." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Do you have a preference babe? Upstairs first?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Totally your call babe." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Alright, well, let's go then, I say upstairs." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, you guys doing a little construction?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, just redoing the sliding glass door." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Yeah, so sorry about this God-awful carpet, we're still a work in progress here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, thats..." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "This is my office." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yep, never been used." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Not super exciting." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "And this is my workspace." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "This is it, check that out, can you smell that? [the room is filled with candles that say \"Serenity by Jan\"]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Uh-huh." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "As you can smell there's a lot of different odors going on in here." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "So you have an office and a workspace?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I do, I cannot create in the same space I conduct business, I'm sure that you're the same with your doodles. [puts a candle to Jim's nose] Smell." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It's fire." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Uh-huh, Bonfire." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Bond." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Men love this one." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "James Bond Fire. I am Bond fire, James Bond Fire. Michael Scarn. [clicks tongue]" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "When I get frustrated, or irritated or... angry, I come up here and I just smell all my candles and it just -poof- goes away." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Just like that." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Just like that." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "So this is the master bedroom, and these walls used to like white, like an asylum. So I wanted it to be softer, So I had it painted in eggshell white." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Guess what, white and eggshell white are exactly the same color." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "[puts away video camera facing the bed] Babe I thought you said you were going to tidy things up." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, I-" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Shame on you." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What a cute bench." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thanks, that's my bed. Jan has some space issues, so I curl up on that puppy." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Really? 'cause... seems pretty narrow... and short." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's actually a lot bigger than it seems. Look at this. [Lies down]" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "See, he fits perfectly." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I finally broke down and bought myself a plasma TV. Check it out. [reveals a tiny TV] I actually hung this on the wall myself. I want to show you something . A lot of people in the room, need more space? [moves TV back a couple inches] Voila, right in the wall." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sometimes I will just stand here and watch television for hours. I love it, I love this TV. Oh and I also built this table." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What is that chestnut?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I think that is either pine, or nordic cherry." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "It's pine." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Michael, I'm just terrible at all this stuff, so that's really cool." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, he tried to set up my TIVO for me but then I didn't have audio for a week." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "If you ever need any help, I am just a phone call away." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I bet you are." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, I saw - oh your Dundies. I'm surprised they're not out on the coffee table for everybody to see." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "It was between the neon beer sign and the Dundies so I said \"Honey keep the trophies.\"" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh honey, I have the best trophy right here, aside from my Dundies." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "[doorbell] Oh, excuse us just a second." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'll get it." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "[Andy and Angela enter] So glad you're finally able to be here." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[Michael tries to hug Angela] No, no." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Tuna! What's up Tuna, we having tuna for dinner? [to Pam] I bet you're sick of tuna right? You probably have tuna every night. Tuna! [to Jan] These are for you. [hands flowers]" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Oh, how thoughtful." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Very nice." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Except for one flower, which is for... my flower." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Aw." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "What am I supposed to do with this?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "How 'bout we do the short tour and then I'll start dinner?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh I can help starting dinner if you need it." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Oh no no no, it's just the osso buco needs to braise for about three hours, everything else is done." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Three hours from now or three hours from earlier like 4:00?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "You know Pam, in Spain they often don't start eating until midnight." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "When in Rome." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Do you have a preference, upstairs first?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Whatever you say babe." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Follow me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "How 'bout a toast. Shall I? Here's to good friends." }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Cheers." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Kinda sorta an oaky afterbirth." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What was that?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "So music, should we turn some music?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah that sounds good." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Do you guys remember my old assistant Hunter? He is an excellent songwriter." }, { "character": "Hunter's CD", "line": "You took me by the hand, Made me a man, That one night, You made everything all right, So raw, so right, All night, all right, Oh yeah, Oh yeah, So raw, so right, All night, all right, Oh yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what, Hunter was a terrible assistant, that is why Ryan fired him." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Well I think he's probably just about as reliable as Pam being that it usually takes you an afternoon to get back to me." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Sometimes I think she holds on to faxes." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[To camera] I don't care what they say, I just want to eat. Which I realize is a lot to ask for... at a dinner party." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[playing charades] No it's a... hump. There's a hump." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Joe Camel!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Okay yes, first name of that animal and the second name is the state where Helena is the capital." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Montana." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Oh!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Joe Montana!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yes! Yes." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Why didn't you just say 49ers quarterback?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right, [rhythim clapping] my my my my turn, my my my my turn, my my my my turn." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Babe can you just like really, woah, could you just simmer down?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What, no, I'm just making people laugh." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, I was watching Jim's face." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I was watching Jim." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And he was laughing." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "No smiling." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Look at him, he's laughing." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Michael and Jan seem to be playing their own separate game and it's called 'Let's see how uncomfortable we can make our guests' and they're both winning. So I'm going to make a run for it. [holds cellphone]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "You'll never guess, I just got a message from my landlord apparently, my apartment flooded, something with a sprinkler. Pam, we should probably get going and see the damage." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well you don't need two of you to do that." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's true. Um... dinner sounded delicious. Pam I'll see you at home, thank you so much." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh Jim, I don't think you're going to abandon this party here all by itself." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I don't know because I everything I own is there." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You can buy new stuff but you can't buy a new party." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's true, that's a great point. Come on down here. Sit down on that couch and be amongst friends and we are not going to think about all your stuff being destroyed, all right." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Michael, you're up." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right here we go, this is going to be fun, ready. All right first name is Tom-" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "No no no, no names, no names, no rhyming, no soundalikes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right, Okay, okay, you're getting inside my head. First name is blank and he goes on a cruise, he goes on a Caribbean CRUISE." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I don't know." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Katie Holmes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, Baah! But he's married to her!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, Dawson's Creek." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No! It has to be a real person Jim, come on. Okay, no no, I'm gonna pass, I'm gonna pass. Okay, rhymes with Parnold Schporzenegger." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "No rhyming!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Not really a rhyme." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Another clue, another clue." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, he is the governor of California, he is the Terminator." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Those aren't helpful." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Tom Cruise!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Time!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "God, does anybody read the paper?!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[Michael offers his coat to Pam, who is shivering] Oh, thank you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're welcome." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "[eyes Pam] I'm so, so sorry for the temperature in here. The um, sliding glass door shattered. It's actually a really cute story. Do you wanna tell it babe or should I tell it?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't like that story babe." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Come on, it's a cute story, Michael ran through the sliding glass doors because he thought he heard the ice cream truck!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Stop, stop it! I mean, I like ice cream. Okay? Sue me. Oh, no, don't. I shouldn't say that jokingly because she will sue me. She loves to sue, loves lawsuits. You know honey, that door was extremely clean and it looked invisible." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "You are so right, you're so right because before I lived here, the glass was always covered in smudges, and then I moved in and I cleaned it so I guess that makes me the Devil." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ha ha, you are! She is! She is the devil! I'm in hell! Aaahhh I'm burning, help me!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "You shouldn't joke about that." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Is there more wine in the kitchen?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I will get it, I will get it, what kind of hostess would I be if I didn't get. It's okay, I don't mind. In fact you know what, girl's trip, Angela come on. Girl's trip." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "[checking the oven] Uh, not even close." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "So you keep a very tidy house." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "You should see our bathroom after Michael takes a bath, whew. But I don't have to tell you Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, yeah. What?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Oh well don't tell me that he's really changed since you guys dated." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, are you joking?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Well, Michael told me a little bit about it, but I see the way you look at him." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I have never, ever dated, or wanted to do anything resembling dating Michael, ever. Not ever, not now, not then, not now, not ever, ever." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I've noticed how you look at him at the office." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Mmhmm." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[in the garage] So I spend most of my time right here. Have a hand [the chairs are shaped like hands]. So Jim I noticed you checking out Jan's candles." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh no she just put it in front of my face." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, did you know that candles are the number one fastest-growing product in the scent aroma market? $2 billion dollar a year industry. And for only $10,000, you could become a co-owner of \"Serenity by Jan\" What do you think about that?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Thought about it, I'm in." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm sorry, are you really trying to get us to invest in Jan's company?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm sorry. [doorbell rings] What now?" } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "Coming! [Dwight and a woman are at the door holding wine glasses and a cooler]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hello." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "What are you doing here?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "We came here to eat dinner and to party, this is a dinner party right?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[whispering] Awesome." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "What is he doing here?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yes, What are you doing here?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight is my friend." }, { "character": "Woman", "line": "We weren't invited?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You said that I could not invite Dwight because he was not part of a couple, and because we didn't have enough wine glasses. Dwight brought glasses and a person." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Fine, whatever you want, just like always, whatever you want." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Whatever I want? It's never whatever I want. When I wanted to see Stomp, and you wanted to see Wicked, what did we see?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "We saw Wicked." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "When I said that I wanted to have kids, and you said, you wanted me to have a vasectomy, what did I do? And then when you said that you might want to have kids and I wasn't so sure, Who had the vasectomy reversed? And then when you said you defintely didn't want to have kids, who had it reversed back? Snip snap! Snip snap! Snip snap! I did. You have no idea the physical toll, that three vasectomies have on a person. And I bought this condo to fill with children." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I am so sorry that I don't want to bring kids into this screwed-up world, okay? But look if you want to have kids, then fine you win. Let's have a [bleep]ing kid." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do you mean it? You want to have a kid? [Jan walks away]" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I hate my life." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So can we come in?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hmmm... Mmm... great turkey leg." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "[crying] I'm just gonna check on dinner. [Jan gets up from the table]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Angela, would you like some of my beet salad?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I hate beet salad." }, { "character": "Woman", "line": "It's actually really good." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey hey hey hey. [to Angela] I know you love beet salad. I've seen you eat it many times." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "The thought of popping one of your beets into my mouth makes me want to vomit." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[leans across to Pam whispering] Pam... I hope she didn't do anything to the food." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[whispers] Like... like what?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I can't prove it but I think she might be trying to poison me. [Jan serves the food] Hey, looks great babe." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah it does." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I know Jan didn't poison the food. I know that. But if she was going to poison the food of someone at that table wouldn't it be me? Michael's former lover?" } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "[Michael dips his steak into his wine] Can you not do that? It's disgusting." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know I have soft teeth, how can you say that?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Oops." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Excuse me for a second. [gets up from the table]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[to babysitter] So... how do you guys know each other?" }, { "character": "Woman", "line": "I was his babysitter." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "And now you guys are dating?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Purely carnal and that's all you need to know." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Would you write down your e-mail because I have just so many questions..." }, { "character": "Woman", "line": "E-mail?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nevermind." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok... alright... here we go. [takes down huge painting behind his seat and puts up a neon beer sign] There. [plugs it in] Oooookay." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's nice." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Everybody enjoying their meal?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Hey babe?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "How about we take the beer sign down until our guests leave and then we can discuss it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. No. I'm gonna leave it up. I think it ties the whole room together." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Ok. [gets up and goes over to the stereo and turns on Hunter's CD really loud]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[to the guests] Jan thinks Hunter is very talented. You know what? I don't think he's that good." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "At least he's an artist." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "BFD. I'm a screenwriter." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "[shouting] AND I'M A CANDLEMAKER BUT YOU DON'T HEAR ME BRAGGING ABOUT IT!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "NO ALL YOU DO IS YOU GET ME TO TRY TO WORK ON MY RICH FRIENDS!" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "FOR AN INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITY!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "MAN! I WOULD LOVE TO BURN YOUR CANDLES!" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "YOU BURN IT. YOU BUY IT!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OH GOOD. I'LL BE YOUR FIRST CUSTOMER!" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "AND YOU'RE HARDLY MY FIRST!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[yells] THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID! [Jan gets an evil look on her face and picks up Michael's dundie and throws it into his plasma screen tv] THAT IS A 200 DOLLAR PLASMA SCREEN TV YOU JUST KILLED! Good luck paying me back on your zero dollars a year salary plus benefits, babe! [Jan goes upstairs crying.]" }, { "character": "Woman", "line": "I'm gonna get going." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Fine. Get outta here." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It's getting late." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what guys, she'll be out of the bathroom soon." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Jim and Pam head out the door and there are policemen at the door] Of course" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Get out of my way, I'll take care of this. OK.[to police] Uhhh what seems to be the problem officers?" }, { "character": "Officer 1", "line": "Not now Dwight, We got a call about a disturbance?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nope. Nope. Nothing disturbing here. Just a couple of friends having an awesome dinner party." }, { "character": "Officer 2", "line": "The neighbors said they heard some shouting." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh... yes. There was some screaming but... um... my girlfriend... threw a dundie at my TV. Plasma." }, { "character": "Officer 1", "line": "You wanna press charges?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Would she get into trouble?" }, { "character": "Officer", "line": "Yes. She'd be charged." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I will take the fall. I did it." }, { "character": "Officer 2", "line": "You know you don't have to press charges, you could just try to be more quiet." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "[running out the door)] Michael! [pleading] Michael. What are you doing to him?" }, { "character": "Officer 1", "line": "Sir, do you have any other place you can stay? Maybe with one of your friends here?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[puts his hand on the Officer's shoulder] Michael can come home with me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jim? Pam?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh... my apartment's on fire" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[whispers] Flooded." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Flooded." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You people. [to Michael] Come on. You're sleeping with me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm gonna take you home Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nope." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Alright. [leads Michael away]" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Bye Babe!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[Pam and Jim are sitting in Jim's car in front of Detroit Coney Island Chili Dogs] This is the best burger I've ever had, babe." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know, babe, I should have told you but... I did something bad." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hmm?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[holds up Hunter's CD] I stole this. [Pam laughs] For you babe." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[Hunter's voice starts singing, Pam joins in] One night..." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Holding his head out of Dwight's car]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[Tries to steal a bite of Angela's ice cream.]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[Rolls down the window and smashes it against his car]" } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "[Watching Michael's cracked plasma screen TV and tries to fix his Dundie.]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael & Dwight", "line": "[Slow at a red light and see the woman at the bus stop, she waves to Dwight, who passes her by.]" } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "My ideals at a party? Easy. Jim. Pam. Ryan. The Mayor. Barack Obama. Shiloh Jolie-Pitt. Because at the end of the night, Brad or Angelina would have to come and pick him up and I would get to meet them. Shia La Beef because of Disturbia. Umm, all of the children of the world. Val Kilmer. But he probably wouldn't come, too famous. Obviously George Clooney. Umm... And Jan definitely, if there was room." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'll tell you about my ideal dinner party. John Wilkes Booth. Lee Harvey Oswald. Osama Bin Laden. John Wayne Gacy. Jeffrey Lionel Dahmer. \"Oh hey guys, welcome to my home. Oh, here comes the waiter with the soup, hope you guys are hungry.\" Meanwhile, the waiter suddenly nods at me. [Dwight nods] But I don't acknowledge him. But I know he's an assassin because I trained him. Boom. Two minutes later, five dead psychopaths at my dining room table. All that's left to do is dispose of the bodies and collect the reward. Ugh, it's almost too easy." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "A little amuse-bouche, anyone?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[to Jim, quietly] Food!" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Okay, trivia! Does anyone know what that means?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I believe it means mouth pleaser." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Oh!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It's French. I studied some French during my semester at sea. Or, shall I say a semester at la mer, which is French for 'sea.'" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Andy, was that coordinated by the Cornell Study Abroad Office?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Mm-hmm, mm-hmm." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "The reason I ask is that Andy went to Cornell." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "[Michael comes out of the powder room to rejoin the group] Ahh, did you wash your hands, babe?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, I did, for you, princess. Even though I only went number one. [quietly to Jim] I didn't really wash my hands. Ohhh, what have we here? This looks delicious. [picks up amuse-bouche tray]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[quietly] Not with your hands." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[touching and moving each amuse-bouche] They need to be presented... royally... anyone?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Mmm. [takes one and eats it]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good stuff. All right. Let's get down to some wine drinking." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, my God, [eating a bar in the hallway] I thought I was gonna pass out. [Jim takes it from her and takes a bite]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "We should probably get back." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Mmm-mm. I'm probably just gonna stay here for a while, say I got lost." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "[coming up suddenly] Are you eating?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It was just a little..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I didn't have anything, Jan." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Really, Pam. This is a dinner party. [walks away. Pam looks at Jim accusingly]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm sorry. She scares me. [walks away, Pam keeps eating]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael's dinner party is for couples only, which is why I wasn't initially invited. But that was then. I very recently entered into a serious, monogamous relationship. [looking around] If that idiot ever gets here." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "So, this girl that I basically grew up with becomes Miss West Virginia, and then suddenly, all the boys start paying attention to me. And it was funny because, you know, I never even considered myself beautiful until people started pointing it out to me. You know, \"Jan, wow, you are so much more beautiful than Miss West Virginia.\" [laughs] Ah, so that is why I uh... wait, Pam, what was your, what was your question?\"" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Where did you grow up?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's been a rough couple of weeks." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Well, I just got into a little trouble with the neighbors." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Little trouble. Yes. Well, Jan fell asleep during her neighborhood watch shift." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Wow, you did neighborhood watch?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I did, and I had a very late shift and I had a little bit of wine and I fell asleep." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So she's passed out, and some kids spray-paint a swear word on the neighbors' dog..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And the neighbors blamed Jan." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Yeah. But, you know, it was my fault." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's like, you know, the dog shouldn't have been outside in the first place. Anyway, it's a tragedy, really, because the paint is not gonna come off the dog until it sheds..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Mm-hmm." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "It was me!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What's that?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I spray-painted that dog. It was sleek, and shiny, and perfect little haircut, it was parading around like it was God's gift to this God-forsaken town [laughs] and I just couldn't take it anymore, so I went over there and I held down my knee and I just spray-painted it until I was good and done. [claps] It bit me on the arm, [reaches out and taps Jim] I didn't even feel it." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "What are you doing to him? What... [sees neighbors' dog] is this about that stupid, ugly mutt?" }, { "character": "Neighbor", "line": "She's a Weimaraner, you bitch!" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Please, please. Don't hurt him, okay?" } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "W.B. Jones is renovating their offices and their construction crews are taking up some of the parking spaces we used to get." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "So we had to park at a satellite parking lot over there." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Which just means we get to see more of our lovely street. Tell them what we saw today Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh today, we saw a junk yard dog attacking the bones of a rotisserie chicken." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Nature." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Been here nine years. Now all of a sudden I'm supposed to park half a mile away." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I lost a penny out of my loafers, Oscar." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[sitting down, rubbing his feet] I will quit. As God as my witness, I will quit if this is not fixed." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Some of us like the walk more than others." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[off screen] Hurts like hell." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[to Michael who is looking at a chair catalog] Did you pick a new chair? It's been awhile." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam, when I first opened this catalog, I thought I was just going to be picking out a chair." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "But instead, you found something to distract you from ever picking out a chair." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael started the process of selecting a new chair about three weeks ago. And normally I wouldn't care, but he promised me his old one. It's way better. It's one of these. [makes a shrrhhh sound of a chair moving downward as Pam slumps down] I really want it." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[holding up the catalog] Have you ever seen this woman?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Her?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hmm..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "The one in the really great mesh black high-back swivel chair?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Look at her smile. Those eyes, look at her eyes. She's got - I don't know what it is actually, she dresses like a professional and yet you know there is a side of her that could just curl up on a couch." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Or in a great chair." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, yeah, maybe, but remember after my dinner party when I said that I was swearing off women?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I definitely remember your dinner party." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I think what I meant was that I was completely swearing off one woman. [whispers] Jan. I think that fate put this catalog in my hands." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Actually, I put the catalog in your hands 'cause you have to pick out a new chair." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "What is it like being single? I like it. I like starting each day with a sense of possibility. And I'm optimistic because every day I get a little more desperate and desperate situations yield the quickest results." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ladies and gentleman, would you please open your supply catalogs and kindly turn to page 85. [phone rings]" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "[on phone] Yo, is this his new chair?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[on phone] No, he hasn't picked one yet." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "[on phone] Daat!" } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "When Pam gets Michael's old chair, I get Pam's old chair. Then I'll have two chairs. Only one to go." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am ready to start dating again. Getting back on the market. So, FYI, for those of you who are thinking about fixing me up with any of your friends, use the woman on page 85 as a template. That will be all." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I left my cell phone in my car." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Call us when you get there so we know you're OK. [Andy gets up and leaves]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[to Kevin] Listen man, I am completely over Jan, so, would you set me up?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "If I had someone to set you up with Michael, then I'd take her for myself." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I thought that you were engaged?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Nope. Stacy broke up with me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Whaaaat? God, that's terrible man. Eghh, she's crazy. Umm, are you still on good terms with any of her friends?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Not anymore." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh..." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "It's a bitter situation." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah... ugh. She's... [gets up and leaves] you don't deserve her. Alright." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[sitting on Oscar's desk] Oh hello Oscar Mayer Weiner lover. I bet that you have a bunch of very liberal girl type friends that trust you implicitly because they know you'd never touch 'em, because of your condition. Umm..." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I have a friend who's single." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Sandy. She's gorgeous and she's got a feisty personality, too." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hmm, I see, feisty. So she's not jolly or sassy? Not like a jolly, sassy opera singer?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Umm, no, she's a professional softball player." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oooo. Catcher or in field?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Umm I don't know Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Is she a dress wearer or a pants wearer? Could we share a row boat? Could, could a row boat support her?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "What are you asking?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I think I'm being very clear what I'm asking. Would an average size row boat support her without capsizing? [silence] It bothers me that you're not answering the question." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "No, alright no, she can't fit in a row boat." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Damn it, I knew it! I knew it Phyllis! OK!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "What is wrong with these people? I would do anything for them and they're just hanging me out to dry." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dating shouldn't be hard for somebody like me, but it is and you know why? Because nobody here is willing to help me. Nothing would ever get done in this office without a formal request, would it? Well, fine. Here goes." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I don't think that this is---" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, now OK, I know that this is probably not appropriate, but I need help. Because I want to play ball with my kids before I get too old. And before that happens I need to get laid. And before that happens I need to be in love. And I don't wanna hear \"Ahnnn... I can't help elhh la la.\" No. No. I'm a catch and I am not going to be the one who got away. So, this is what we're going to do. Dwight is going to hand out index cards and I want you all to write down the name of an eligible woman for me to date by the end of the day. No, by the end of the hour or you are fired." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[gets up from chair] Write legibly people." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Because of the construction at W.B. Jones, half of us have to park in the satellite lot." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hmm.." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It's like a ten minute walk." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "No, thirty." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, look, I am in an assigned parking place in front, so... Alright, alright, alright, umm let me try to think about what it would be like to not have one. [thinks] OK, yes that would be bad." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That would be bad." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "OK." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Nice." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "...So help us out." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wish I could, but I can't. Well can, but won't. Should, maybe, but shorn't." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Michael, please he--" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What part of shorn't don't you understand, Kevin? Look I could probably handle it, yes, but I think it would be a good exercise for you guys to do it yourselves." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "We won't let you down." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh you can't because I don't care. Listen, [Kevin and Andy high five as they leave Michael's office] don't forget to fill out those cards. My love cards." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "There's nobody I hate enough to write her name on this card." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Well, I'm setting Michael up with my fat friend anyway, he can just deal with it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[to Jim] Who are you putting down?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, you don't know her." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Who is it?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Your mom." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, whatever. [Jim holds up the card] [Pam laughs] Give it to me. Give it to me." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok, Wendy. Hot and juicy red head. Give this a try. [Michael dials phone number. Phone rings.]" }, { "character": "Wendy's phone operator", "line": "Wendy's." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hello Wendy, this is Kevin's friend, Michael." }, { "character": "Wendy's phone operator", "line": "This isn't Wendy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, I'm sorry, could you put her on please?" }, { "character": "Wendy's phone operator", "line": "Dude, this is a Wendy's restaurant." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[under breath] Damn it Kevin. OK, umm, could I just have a frosty and a baked potato please?" }, { "character": "Wendy's phone operator", "line": "You have to come to the restaurant to order food." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, I'll send somebody to come pick it up. Just have it ready." }, { "character": "Wendy's phone operator", "line": "It's ready now." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well put it aside. [hangs up the phone] [Dwight enters] Umm... yeah." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "OK, I have collected the rest of the ladies." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good. Good because this batch was awful. Umm... this one says chair model..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I wrote that. Michael, you shouldn't have to settle. This is my pledge to you. I will find her and I will bring her to you and as God as my witness, she shall bear your fruit." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That sounds good. [both smile] Go get her. Wa-Wait, wait, wait, wait. First, go to Wendy's, get my food. Come back and then go." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[on phone] That is fantastic. Thank you, thank you very much. This is just what I needed." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The furniture company gave me the name of the advertising agency. They gave me the name of the photographer. The photographer, a Spaniard, used a Wilkes-Barre modeling agency. The agency gave me the following information. [reads from notepad] Deborah Shoshlefski. 142 South Windsor Lane. Dead. Car accident. Case closed." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "She's dead? [Dwight makes knife slitting noise] She's so young." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "She was so young and now she is dead. As dead as every dead animal who has ever died." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, God. Oh..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Why don't you sit down? Michael... come on. [gets up and leads Michael to sit in his chair] Here we go. Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Michael, you didn't even know her." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Try not to be so hurtful Jim." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jim, how dare you. [Jim's face is in shock]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Please, not at a time like this. [sighs]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "OK Michael, you know what? I might have someone for you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh really? What's her name? Burger King?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, I mean it. [walks towards Michael] She's really nice and sweet and you guys might actually get along. [hands over card to Michael]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't, I don't think I'm ready. Is she hot?" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm setting Michael up with my land lady. She's really sweet and... whatever, I just can't take Michael like this." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "No question about it, I am ready to get hurt again." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "We need to assemble the five families." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[while brushing teeth with an electric toothbrush] No, not the five families." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "We have to." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "The five families are the five companies of Scranton Business Park. The bosses rarely meet. There's Michael Scott, Regional Manager, Dunder Mifflin. Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration. Paul Faust of Disaster Kits Limited. They call him \"Cool Guy Paul.\" W.B. Jones of W.B. Jones Heating and Air. Grade A Bad Ass. And Bill Cress of Cress Tool and Dye. Bill Cress is super old and really mean." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[still brushing teeth] Sorry, I don't have time for this right now. I'm trying to get a date with Pam's hot friend. And she needs to meet me right now." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[to Andy] I'm calling the meeting anyway." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[to cashier at coffee shop] Thank you very much. Our suspect has straight brown hair. She is wearing blue jeans and a black top. So... behold our bachelorette [cut to a blonde woman in a skirt]. Give her ten for looks and a three for her ability to describe herself. Hello, my lady. [woman walks right by and doesn't respond]" }, { "character": "Margaret", "line": "Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[turns around to see the woman from his description] Ugh." }, { "character": "Margaret", "line": "Are you Michael Scott?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Is who a Michael what?" }, { "character": "Margaret", "line": "Oh, I'm sorry, I'm, I'm supposed to be meeting someone named Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, that's not, yeah I'm not... OK..." }, { "character": "Coffee shop worker", "line": "Michael? Michael? [reads cup] Large hot chocolate with caramel and a shot of peppermint." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "So you get the rent checks every month and what happens next? What..." }, { "character": "Margaret", "line": "You're asking what I do with the checks that people write to me?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just making conversation." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why is it so hard to meet people? I... you know... it's uh... All I want is somebody nice and sweet and someone I can talk to and share an experience with, you know? Why is it so hard for people like us?" }, { "character": "Margaret", "line": "I don't know." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You wanna see what I walked out on? This is gonna blow your mind. [holds up cell phone with a picture of Jan] Look at that." }, { "character": "Margaret", "line": "She's beautiful." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah. Yeah, and you can't see her whole body. Down here, she's got a boob job. Just... she was just crazy smart and really manipulative and I don't know." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "[on phone] Michael? Hello? Michael? [Michael hangs up phone]" }, { "character": "Margaret", "line": "I'm gonna head out." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, OK. Well, umm... I enjoyed this conversation. It was very nice. It was like talking to the sweet old lady on the bus." }, { "character": "Margaret", "line": "That's incredibly rude." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Now you ruined it. [gets up and leaves]" } ], [ { "character": "Bob Vance", "line": "Where's Scott?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Uh Michael Scott could not make it today due to an unforeseen prior engagement." }, { "character": "W.B. Jones", "line": "Let's just meet back in an hour." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Gentleman please. We called this meeting. Andrew Bernard is the name of me. And this is my associate, Mr. Kevin Malone." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[nervously stuttering] I... have... things..." }, { "character": "W.B. Jones", "line": "Alright, what do you want?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well first of all, I'd just like to say [pulls out note cards] what an honor it is to be sitting here with you gentlemen." }, { "character": "W.B. Jones", "line": "You have about ten seconds---" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "We want our parking spaces back!" }, { "character": "Paul Faust", "line": "Whose parking spaces?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "W.B. Jones' construction guys park in our parking spaces every morning and some people have to park really far away and walk all the way to the office. And some people sweat too much for comfort and---" }, { "character": "Bill Cress", "line": "Ohh... God..." }, { "character": "Paul", "line": "I don't have time for this you guys. [to W.B. Jones] Just give 'em back their spaces." }, { "character": "W.B. Jones", "line": "OK." }, { "character": "Paul", "line": "We good? OK. Could have done this over e-mail." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "After Stacy left, things did not go well for awhile. And, and it was hard to see... [starts breaking up] It's just nice to win one." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Margaret the land lady? Really Pam, is that what you think of me?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "She's sweet and cute. I thought you'd get along." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, OK, Well I'm looking for a passionate affair, not companionship. I'm a man... of intensity, of, of cool and youth and, and passionately. God...[walks away back to his office]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[walks up to reception] Margaret?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I know." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You just got yourself kicked out of your apartment. [both laugh]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh I don't care, I didn't really like that place that much anyway. I'll just move." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh really? Who's gonna take you in? You're messy. You're a klutz, you spill everything. And you leave the volume on the TV way too loud." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, maybe I'll just move in with my boyfriend 'cause he's kind of a slob, too." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "OK, sure. Let's do it. [Pam laughs]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, I umm, well I'm not gonna, I'm, I'm not gonna move in with anyone unless I'm engaged." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Have I not proposed to you, yet?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hmm, I don't, know..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, well, that's coming. [smiles]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, right now?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No. Not gonna do it right here, that would be rather lame." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "OK, so then, when?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Pam, I'm not gonna tell you. Hate to break it to you, but that's not how that works." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, right, yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wait, I'm serious. It's happening." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ohh kay." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And when it happens, it's going to kick your ass, Beesly. So... stay sharp." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I've been warned." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I am not kidding. [shows camera an engagement ring] Got it a week after we started dating." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't know man. I was with Jan for so long. I was excited about meeting somebody new. Put my heart out there. It's just... [sighs]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You know what you need? Closure." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're right. What do you mean though?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "There was a woman in your life who affected you very deeply, and she left before you could say good bye. I think you need to say good bye." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hmm." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Come on. I'll drive." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "We did it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[at same time as Kevin] I did it." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "We got our spaces back." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Wow. [Stanley laughs and high fives Kevin]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Nice job." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nice. [fist bumps Kevin]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, there it is. You're welcome." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Did I do this for me? No, I did this for the little guy. For Joe Sixpack. The guy who wakes up every morning in his four hundred dollar a month apartment, wonders how's he gonna pay his mortgage that month. Wonders how he's gonna fill his car up with oil. Wonders how I'm gonna pay my kid's orphanage bills. That guy shouldn't have to wonder where he's gonna park." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[looking at the chair model's headstone] How did she die?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I guess you could say she died of blunt force trauma and blood loss. She got in a car accident and plowed into the side of an airplane hanger." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "God." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "She was so innocent." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "She was stoned apparently." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know I used to think that I had this perfect person out there waiting for me, but knowing that, that's just silly because she's dead. What do you do?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You wait until next year's chair catalog comes out and you find someone who's still alive." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, you move on." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Where do you want to go for dinner?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't know, I kind of hate all our regular places right now. Oh, you know what [Jim gets down on one knee], that one..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey Pam, will you wait for me one second while I tie my shoe?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[smiling] I hate you. [walks away]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What? My shoe is untied. What is your problem? [Pam laughs] Oh my God, you thought I wa--- oh." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, oh." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, no, no." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "How could I have thought that? How could I have thought that?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[singing] Bye, bye, Ms. Chair Model lady. I dreamt that we were married and you treated me nice. We had lots of kids...drinking whiskey and rye, oh why'd you have to go off and die? Why'd you have to go off [with Dwight] and die?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael & Dwight", "line": "[singing] OH! You believe in rock 'n roll. Can music save your mortal soul? And then [jumbling up the words] can you have to dance real slow. Well, I know that you're in love with him. 'Cause I saw you dancing in the gym. [more jumbled words] 'You both kicked off your shoes. Those rhythm and blues..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Return." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Rhythm and blues..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "This'll be [with Dwight] the day that I died." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "It is moving day. I have spent the last month here at Dwight's lovely farm, taking a little bit of a vacation, clearing my head after Jan and I, um [Dwight puts his fingers to his head and makes a shooting noise] ssp... No, I did not kill her. We were just at different places in our lives. No, I thought I'd be the bigger man and allow her to stay at the condo. She has since moved on; she is staying with her sister in Scottsdale. Fresh outlook, and it's all good." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, so look that over, make sure it's accurate." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh. What is this?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Your bill, minus the ten percent Dunder Mifflin corporate discount." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You were charging me? I'm your friend." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You occupied the America room for six weeks. That's our most popular room." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "There was no other guest the entire time I was here." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Right. Because you were in the America room. In an election year." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. All right, Dwight. Take my money. Go ahead. Keep in mind that this whole thing was just a business transaction. The late nights, the talks, the slumber parties, the crying jags, that was all business, that had nothing to do with friendship, and being friends. Just ring me up. Go ahead [Dwight tears up bill]." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "We don't take debit cards, anyway." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight, little help with the bags, please." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "So, what about you, Angela? Do you have any single friends?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I don't." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "A cute little religious type, someone who wears a uniform, or..." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "A Catholic schoolgirl?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, obviously older." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "A nun?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Love. Marriage. Baby carriage. Those have been my goals ever since I heard that song. Jan and I had love. We did not have marriage. We did have a baby carriage, which I got her for bringing groceries home, after she got a DUI." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Hi, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[sitting at her desk] Hey, Kelly." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Yeah, what are you doing here?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nothing. Just hangin'. Chillin'. No agenda. Would you consider hookin' me up with one of your friends?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh, all my friends are crazy. My one friend, Brianna..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh, my God..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's hilarious. What's her number?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "She's 23." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mmm... nah, that's too young." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Actually, I know a ton of people that I can set you up with!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Some of my friends' parents, they're getting divorced now. [Michael gets up and starts walking away] So I think some of those, like, older ladies, they're really looking for a guy to go on a date with." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "['Rita Klondike 507' is written on an index card] All right, time's up! Pencils down. Please pass your future Mrs. Michael Scotts forward." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Forcing your employees to set you up is not a, uh, uh, technical violation of any Dunder Mifflin rule. You know, but neither is forcing them to help you with a shot-by-shot remake of Indiana Jones. Huh-how do you make a rule book like that?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pammy?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't have anybody." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You don't have one single girlfriend?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm not looking for a perfect 10 here, just somebody to hang out with. Just fun, healthy young woman." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Sorry." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "A kindergarten teacher, who is great with kids, maybe an ex-model, and now she wants to do something with her brain?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, I don't, I..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "How 'bout a professional volleyball player who models on the side?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I just..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know, just a fun, guh, look, there, here, it doesn't have to be a model. I'm not, don't rule out model, but just in terms of models, there are like twenty different categories. There's face models, hand models, body models [Jim raises hand] - yes." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I actually know a sex model." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yep. Yeah. She's blind, is that a problem?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I am, it's all about the personality, Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Are you talking about Beverley?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Because she's not a sex model. She's a tollbooth operator." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Send me a picture." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "So far, these are my leads. A blind tollbooth operator and a twelve hundred pound catcher. It's a start." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "What's wrong Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I got gum in my hair." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You do." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "This just stinks. Don't touch it, please don't touch it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You've got a ton of dandruff." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK, let me be." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "How'd you get gum in your hair?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I was walking in and I noticed something shinny under Stanley's car and I got under to see what it was and I messed up my hair, all for a stupid piece of tinfoil." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "But best case scenario, you thought it was a quarter." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Kill me... right now." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We have peanut butter in the kitchen." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't feel like peanut butter. Get me an ice cream sandwich." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nope. Not for you it's for your hair, and it is 9 am." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No Dwight, not the good peanut butter. People are going to get mad." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, hey, hey. This is my hair we're talking about." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Smells good." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Taste good too." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh don't. That's disgusting." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wow! Lot of calories." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well just don't leave it on too long. Keep massaging please. Ah yeah, that's nice." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey Michael, how was your date last night?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[sighs]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I will be honest; the dating has not been going well. Look, men are visual creatures. We crave beauty, like a piece of fine art by any number of renowned artists, or an arty photograph of Cindy Crawford nude... that, but the women I'm getting fixed up with are, egh! Not that they aren't nice, or that have great personalities, they just... They just lack a certain... Crawfordness." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I am livid, Absolutely livid." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "It's ridiculous." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yes, I'm having the Scranton branch come in on one Saturday so they can re-enter sales that they made on the phone as sales that were made by the website which they should have done in the first place, if the website had been working." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "My favorite branch. How's everybody doing?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey man, you mind if I run something by you?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Love it. Go." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, I kinda feel like what we have going for us is our customer service, and no matter how we change this up, I don't know that a website's going to be able to replace that." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I can tell you thought about this a lot, I appreciate that." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thanks." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "David Wallace does too. You told him all about this at the Christmas party, right?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Did I? I don't..." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "You did. Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hmm." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Watch your back Jim. I'm just kidding." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ladies and Gentlemen, may I have your attention please. I know that a lot of you are very angry with Ryan because he is the reason we all have to come in tomorrow, however, I swear to God, If any of you hurts him in any way emotionally or taunts him or makes fun of his height or his half beard or..." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Ok thanks Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I'm here today to do some creative problem solving about Dunder Mifflin Infinity and field your questions." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Question." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Why am I being forced to come in tomorrow and pretend that a website made sales that I made?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "This is a temporary measure to increase the legitimacy of the site." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I don't like when my clients call me to help them use the website, I'm not seeing commissions on that." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I hear you Stanley, that is a great observation. Problems like that will not happen when we launch Dunder Mifflin Infinity 2 point O." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "When will that be?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "TBD. Phyllis?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Did the police solve the problem with the..." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yes, yes they did, yes they did." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yes, the social networking feature of the Dunder Mifflin Infinity website was infiltrated by sexual predators." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I don't understand why our website has to have social networking at all." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, I actually have to agree with Dwight on that one." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "It's all about creating a one stop shop consumer experience, alright? You're chatting with your friends, you're talking about the latest music, about the election; all of it is happening in our virtual paper store." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And then an older gentleman asked you \"Boxers or briefs?\"" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "I don't get the big fuss here, I like the site." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "If I'd have created a website with as many problems, I'd kill myself." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Do you have a question Kelly?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Yeah I have a lot of questions. Number one, how dare you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[slow clapping] Ryan has done a very good job, and I am not applauding sarcastically. Think about it, a month ago nobody would go on this site because we were worried about getting molested, or losing our identity, having it stolen. But now, at a time TDB, all of the problems will be in the past. Ya done good kid, ya done good." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well it has been nice seeing you again my friend." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "You too." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh Ryan, I need a girlfriend so bad. [hugs Ryan]" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Michael let me go. Let me go Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Argh. Alright. Do you know any girls in New York you might want to hook me up with? Some that might be interested in a guy like me." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Na." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Na?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Sorry man." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well you tried." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "But seriously, you should see the girls I meet at clubs in the city." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Unreal." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "They sound great." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Bye everyone. Stay real Scranton, alright. Peace." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Would you have sex with Meredith?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do you think she'd keep it quiet?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm gonna go to my desk." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jim, it's not the horniness, ok it's the loneliness that..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I know." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Let's go to New York. We'll go clubbing with Ryan." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I can't." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes you can, you're single, I'm single. It'll be awesome." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm not single." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Who you dating?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Pam." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's still going on?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok, Dwight grab your stuff, we're going to New York to party with Ryan and to meet girls." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh yes! Count me in dudes. I am in some serious need of some bro' time. Old ball and chain's been a lot more chain than ball lately if you know what I'm saying." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I'm right here." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, singles only, singles only. Also three is unlucky. Curse of three." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sorry Andy. Cannot take any chances on curses, not tonight. Let's go. Everybody, I will see you tomorrow, Saturday morning, probably wearing the same clothes that I am wearing right now, If you catch my drift." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "We get it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am going to go get laid. Goodbye." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[laughs] With sex!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's... I, I think that..." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know what? If we all stayed a couple of hours late tonight without Michael distracting us, we wouldn't have to come in at all tomorrow." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "So I caught everyone before they left and I told them my idea, and they loved it. Because this is a group that respects good ideas... the one time a year they hear one." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ryan's assistant told us that he would be at this club this evening. It is called Prerogative." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Place is packed." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Fire hazard." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Packed with beautiful babies. Swingers. Classic. John Favreau, tall guy from DodgeBall." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Women look like white slaves." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, they're just hotties." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I don't know man, when you think about it, Cabo's really the third world. I don't go to a place like that to see more poverty you know. You go there to get some glamour." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "What are you doing here?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well you know, just taking you up on your offer to party, so tada." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "That is so awesome man!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "And you brought this guy!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Aww!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ryan, it's Michael and Dwight." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I know it's you guys." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I'm so psyched you're here!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Woooo!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Let's get a drink." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Let's do it!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thanks a lot guys, Good job." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Later." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nice job everybody. Great work." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Did you not tell the security guard we were working late?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nope. I didn't, but let's go inside and I can call him right now." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You can't, I locked the office from the inside when we left." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Perfect, you guys worked together on this one. If I'm not in my bath with a glass of red wine in an hour, you're both dead." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "There is a master key and a spare key for the office. Dwight has them both. When I asked, \"What if you die Dwight, how will we get into the office?\" He said, \"If I'm dead, you guys have been dead for weeks.\"" } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Guys, I want you to meet a really good friend of mine, this is Troy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, nice to meet you." }, { "character": "Troy", "line": "Hey, how ya doing?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey, Dwight. You resemble a Tolkien character." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Ah, he basically is man. He's a regular banking wizard." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, no, no. Not a wizard, a hobbit." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Bottle service ya'll?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh ok, all I know is I would like some chicken fingers and a Midori Sour." }, { "character": "Waitress", "line": "We don't serve food here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh ok, then just bring me two cups, one with olives and another filled with maraschino cherries." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Do you live in a regular sized house?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah. He's a normal guy, he's cool." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "You really don't have his phone number?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I told you, I have the number that rings here. Do you want that number?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I might have it in here." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Aw! That's great Toby." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "It's so random that I have it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Toby, you're the best." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "When I put it in I thought it would be a waste of time, but I guess it was worth it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Great, It's under here as Security Guard home. Did you not get his name? Or..." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It's ringing. Does anybody have his name? Quick." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yes, it's Eddie." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It's not, it's not Eddie, it's ah, Evan or..." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Hank, his name is Hank." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No guys his name's not Hank, it's ah, is it Edgar?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Elliot." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Elliot!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Is it Elliot? Hey ch... chief, this is Jim Halpert from um... where you work. You're the guy who sits behind the desk... you're, you're the, the Afri... African-American guy, I mean you're. Ah... Who, Who've I got here?" } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Dwight Schrute man. How's Schrute Farms?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Good." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "This guy owns his own beet farm." }, { "character": "Troy", "line": "Insane." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well it's weevil season but we were prepared." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Weevils, what a crazy word man. What? I don't even know what that means. What does that mean?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "They lay their eggs inside the unripe beet root, then come spring time the babies eat their way out." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Crazy. That's too much for me man, I'm gonna hit the bathroom." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You've already been several times." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Maybe you have some kinda bladder infection." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I don't know, maybe." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'll order you some cranberry juice." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "With vodka, you're the best." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[to troy] Do you have powers?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[on phone] Oh thank you Hank. You are a lifesaver, Hank. Appreciate it. [to office co-workers] Alright, so Hank is gonna come down here and he's gonna let us all out. [lowers voice] He said it should just be under an hour, so... [everyone groans] we did it." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "We should all make sure to give him a big tip this Christmas." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Sorry guys, but I don't think I tipped him for last year's." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yeah, neither did I." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Jim was supposed to collect it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yup..." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Way to go, man." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Now he's never gonna come." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "By a show of hands, who thinks we're a better couple than Jim and Pam? [people raise hands]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Phyllis." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I umm, thought about getting a tattoo on my back as well at one point. I was thinking about getting \"Back to the Future.\" \"Back\" because it's on my back and \"Future\" because I'm the kind of guy who likes to look ahead into the future. I just think a tattoo should mean something, you know? And it's my second favorite movie." }, { "character": "Girl in Club", "line": "I've never heard of that movie." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Back to the Future? [she shakes head] Oh, wow. Well you should take a, a film education course." }, { "character": "Girl in Club", "line": "How old are you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Forty... I'm in my forties." }, { "character": "Girl in Club", "line": "Wow. That's so cool." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nuhh..." }, { "character": "Girl in Club", "line": "Well I'm gonna go back to my group now." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, OK." }, { "character": "Girl in Club", "line": "Thanks for the drink." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You are welcome." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "This place is like sexy pre-school." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Did you want a place where we could meet older women?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I would love a place where we could meet older girls." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Hell yeah. I'll hook it up. [smashes beer bottle on the floor]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ahh, wow. That's dangerous." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[to bouncer] Check again, Ryan Howard." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[to tall woman in front of him, tapping her shoulder] Excuse me." }, { "character": "Tall Girl #1", "line": "Yeah?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[referring to girls in front of him] How did you all find each other?" }, { "character": "Tall Girl #1", "line": "Uh, we're the Jersey State Varsity Basketball team. Northeast Regional Champs." }, { "character": "All Girls", "line": "Wooo!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Amazons." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[to Dwight, Michael and Troy] It's off. It's not the dude I know. It's some other loser who won't let us in without chicks." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're kidding." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Let's bail. [starts to leave]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ok, wai, wai, wai, wait, wait. [turns Ryan around annd points to basketball players] You two, Jersey State girls, let's go." }, { "character": "Tall Girl #2", "line": "We're not going unless we can all go." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "OK. You know what, fine. Let's go, two girls to a guy. Come on, let's do it. C'mon, Ryan. Move out. OK, three or four with him [referring to Troy]. Let's go, c'mon. Here we go." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Hey, look what I found in the back. [shows a football to Pam] Wanna play? Teach you to throw." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I know how to throw a football." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Course you do." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, Pam! Hit me up! Go long. Woo! [Pam throws football, hits Meredith's face]" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Owww!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh God." } ], [ { "character": "Bartender", "line": "There you go." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wait, wait a minute, what's this, I didn't order this?" }, { "character": "Bartender", "line": "It's for you. From them. [points to Jersey State girls across the bar]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh. [dumps drink out]" }, { "character": "Troy", "line": "What are you doing man?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's not safe. Anything could have been in there. [to girls] Nice try." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I've never met anyone who does that. You wash dogs? Very cool." }, { "character": "Girl in 2nd club", "line": "That's one aspect of small pet grooming. What do you do?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am a bank teller." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ryan told me to always tell women you work in finance." } ], [ { "character": "Girl in 2nd club", "line": "Cool." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I think so." }, { "character": "Girl in 2nd club", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, I have fun." }, { "character": "Girl in 2nd club", "line": "I'm just gonna just use the powder room." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Girl in 2nd club", "line": "So I'll see ya soon." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Very perfect. [girl walks away, Michael laughs] Oh my [notices Dwight making out with Tall Girl #1] This needs to be shared. [takes a picture with his camera phone] [Cut to the office - All Office co-workers cell phones go off. They notice the picture Michael has sent and all groan]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "She washes dogs." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "You're doing it man." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know. I don't wanna get ahead of myself, but I think I want her to meet my mom." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Hey man, you ever think there's gonna be this massive nuclear holocaust, and after all the major nations are destroyed they'll just be the tribes in the jungle that rise up and survive? The jungle war fare's gonna rule the world?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, maybe. [notices previous girl talking to another guy]" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "It's inevitable, right?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hmm..." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[on phone] Please don't pick up, please don't pick up, please don't pick up." }, { "character": "Hank", "line": "Hello?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Haaank. Is that you?" }, { "character": "Hank", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Still haven't left the house yet, huh?" }, { "character": "Hank", "line": "I'll get ready to leave." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Good. Please hurry." }, { "character": "Hank", "line": "[on phone] Stop calling me so I can put on my damn socks!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Will do. [hangs up] I'll stop calling." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[on phonne] I am. I am getting out there. Well, no I've asked a lot of girls to dance mom. They're just, it's not... [Ryan is dancing feverishly and falls over] Yes, I shaved above my neck. Oh my God, mom, I gotta go. One of my friends is getting beaten up by some girls." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Actually, it's kind of too bad we're not coming into work tomorrow." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Why?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I bet Michael had some elaborate theme party planned, like Scrambled Egg Saturday. [a few chuckles]" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "More like \"Everyone let's get your boss laid Saturday.\" [more laughs] [Toby puts his hand on Pam's knee, everyone stares, Toby removes his hand] I have an announcement uh, to make. I am moving to Costa Rica. Thought about it for a long time now. And I'm finally gonna do it. So, I'm just gonna hop the fence and jog home now. [runs out of lobby and climbs the fence and jogs away]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Michael and Troy dragging Ryan out of the club] Those girls really wailed on you bad." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Why wouldn't they let me dance?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well..." }, { "character": "Troy", "line": "OK I gotta go. Do not take him to a hospital. [runs away]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pretty weird. [Dwight and tall girl run out of club]" }, { "character": "Tall Girl #1", "line": "[to Dwight] You have to go with me." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I do, I have to go." }, { "character": "Tall Girl #1", "line": "Stay. Stay, please?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, I have to go. Good luck against Conn College, alright?" }, { "character": "Tall Girl #1", "line": "Call me." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Uh huh. [to Ryan and Michael] I'm not gonna call her." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Let's go." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I don't wanna go back in." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know, here we go." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[notices cleaning crew coming up to the gate] Cleaning people. Oscar. [everyone starts to walk outside] OK, so all you need to do is explain to them what happened, 'cause I think they can help us." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Why are you assuming they only speak Spanish?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I... just... if they speak Spanish." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[to cleaning people] Good evening, we locked ourselves in. [women don't respond] Nosotros trabajamos aqui, nos trancamos, OK?" }, { "character": "Cleaning lady", "line": "Ohh..." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "They happened to speak Spanish." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Lucky us." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "This is a one time thing, you know that right? [they walk into Ryan's apartment]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wow." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "This is it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "This is where the magic happens." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Nice." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Very nice." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "One of you guys can have the sofa, and one of you guys can have..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I got sofa. I got sofa." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight, I'm the boss." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I got floor." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Case anyone needs to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, I don't wannna get my head stepped on." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[to Ryan] Do you want me to sing you a song my mother used to sing me, when we were sick?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "No. [Dwight starts singing in German]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight, shh shh. Dwight. Leave him alone." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's a lullaby." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Shh. Ryan, Ryan, we're going to take your clothes off." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "No. Guys, I think my friend Troy might have a drug problem. What do I do?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I think his species might have a higher tolerance than ours." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Shh, just stop. Here's what you do. You tell him that you're his friend and that you're gonna help him and that everyone's gonna be all right. And then you put a wire on him and you find out who's selling him drugs and then you get that guy and you flip up, turn him into a snitch. You follow that guy to the people who's really really bad. Been watching The Wire recently. I don't understand a word of it." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Guys, I'm going to sleep. You can leave the light on if you want, but please stop talking, OK?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "OK. Good night Ryan." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Best night ever." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Like I said, it's not about the horniness, it's about the loneliness. And how can I be lonely with my boys? Like a famous person once said, Boys on the side. But I don't, I disagree, I say... let's hear it for the boys." } ], [ { "character": "Hank", "line": "[drives up to parking lot to notice all the office cars are gone] Son of a bitch." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're gonna be okay, it's gonna..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ohhh, man! [sound of Ryan throwing up] There it goes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ahh, ooh!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I am so sorry. I'm so sorry, sir." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[helping Ryan out of the taxi] Come on, come on." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That'll come out of the upholstery. Oh, man. He threw up in the back of the taxi." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Dehydration." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Here we go, let's sit down." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's dehydration. He went to the bathroom at the club like fifteen times." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right, shhh. Dwight, leave him alone." } ], [ { "character": "Troy", "line": "Hey, don't blame me for what Ryan does. I'm not his dad. I'm his friend, okay? And friends are there to help you have a good time. And sell you the stuff you need to have a good time." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "You had a rough night tonight. But your life is very good, my friend. You've got a great job, you... you can have any woman you want, you're good looking, you, you know..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Friends with a hobbit." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Frien..sss...yes, you're friends with a hobbit, and... look where you live. I mean, you've got it all." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah, New York is great." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I mean this apartment building, it's fantastic." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Oh, this, this is not my apartment. This, this is the Metropolitan Museum of Art." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, now I can say that I went to a museum." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "[Phyllis, Pam, Toby, and Oscar are sharing iPod headphones] I don't understand. Which one is that?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That's the other Boleyn girl." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Honestly, the book is so much better than this." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Shh." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[through the fence to Terri, who's holding a drink for him to sip] Ah, we don't know. They didn't give him his Christmas bonus this year, so..." } ], [ { "character": "Hank", "line": "[on phone] Stop calling me so I can put on my damn socks!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Will do. [hangs up] I'll stop calling. [walks into lobby]" } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Was he still there?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, that was his wife, so he's on his way." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Jim, how long? I have to go to the bathroom." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, he'll be here really soon, Kev." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "If you hadn't made us stay, we'd all be home by now." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Somebody's always got to be a hero." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I'm so cold, I'm gonna faint. If I faint, it's totally your fault, Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Let's be honest, it's not totally my fault. [indicates Pam] Shared responsibility." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Mmm?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, I just mean if you, if you didn't lock the door, then we could be upstairs where it's warmer." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm supposed to turn the lock when I leave, it's part of my job." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Is that... I didn't know that was your... okay, so we're in agreement, this is not ideal... situation." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ryan?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do you ever miss us?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Not really. New York is...so great." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ryan?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do you remember what color my eyes are?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hazel. They're hazel." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight, I asked him." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "No, I, I was going to say hazel, yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Not just because he said it?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ryan?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "You're my friend, Michael. OK?" } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Everybody! Everybody! Listen up, I need your ideas, now! Ideas please, right now! Go! Go! Come on!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael we don't know what you're talking about..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wet cement, outside. It's drying fast, come on. This is a lifelong dream. What do I write? What do I write?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Michael you could put your initials in it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "M.G.S.? No. Some idiot named Mark Greg Sputnik will claim credit for it. I don't..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah that's true." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Once in a lifetime opportunity people! Come on, here we go!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "We-- we--" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Here we go!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Well--" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Let's, yes?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "When I was a little girl..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay... Okay, do it! Go on! Great! Let's hear it!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "We-we found some wet cement in the park..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's drying, it's drying..." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "In our neighborhood..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright, hablbelah, come on, Phyl!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "What did we write?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ahh come on!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Here it is, you should draw a picture..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Cause that says, that says..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "So much more than words..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No!! Come on, gimme something good!" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Ok, ok, I was watching E!, and I saw Will Smith outside the Chinese Theater, and omhmygod, he looked so good..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam, translate." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "She's talking about the handprints that celebrities make in the cement." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I love it!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "If you were a real star you would put your face in it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I love it more!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Michael that doesn't seem... safe." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I... love it!! Haha, come on!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Come on! [Kevin and Dwight laugh and follow Michael]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "We are here today, not to immortalize a man, but an idea... Maybe the idea of a man." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[with petroleum jelly on his face] Hurry, please." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Greatness is only skin deep, some people say..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Can you breathe?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well that's not true. Other people believe it's deeper inside..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hold your breath." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And in this case..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ready?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's also not true." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And... go. [Michael sticks his face in the cement] Force it in as deep as you can." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[muffled] That's what she said." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Today is a very special day for me. And it's really not about me, it's about my grandkids, it's about my great grandkids... I can come back here when I'm 100, and I can find that piece of cement and say, \"That's me. Look kids, your daddy left that face hole...\" I dunno, it's a good feeling." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[playing with Madlibs] Okay, adjective..." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Um... tall. No, no, uh, nice." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Good one. Okay, you ready?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Mmhmm." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[reads] The tall man entered the nice building to visit a very nice man. \"Sit down, Mr. Smith, can I interest you in any good... cat food?\"" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[laughing] It's a man eating cat food." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What about a cat eating man food?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Andy and Angela seem very happy... I hope nothing horrible ever happens to them." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[wearing glasses] Um... yeah, I slept over at a, uh, friend's house and, I forgot my contact solution, so... I had to wear my backup glasses... Shut up." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right, everybody... Oh my God, Pam, those make you look so ugly. Um, Pam, in order to get hotter, you take the glasses off. You're moving in the wrong direction..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't have my contacts..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ub, dub dah, don't need, I can't even hear you. It's just noise coming out of an ugly scientist. Um, everybody, we're going to have a little brainstorming session in the conference room." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ener-gize..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know what would energize me? If you, Pamela Morgan Beesly..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Don't, don't--" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Would..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "If you propose to me during a Michael meeting, I will say no." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, it's too late, because I'm proposing... that you get me a cup of coffee, which would energize me greatly, and make me the happiest man in the world." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Everybody, so how are we going to energize our office? I mean, I haven't done anything since Christmas. Pam, clearly, has just given up trying. So what we need to do is we get things going, we need to get percolating a little bit. Anybody have any ideas of what we could do. Any suggestions? Yes, Andy?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What if we changed our outgoing answering machine message, so it just had a little more... zing, and a little more pep?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Zing and pep, see that's those are the kind of words we're looking for. Yes, Jim?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What about if we did an even newer voicemail message that had even more zing and pep?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Now we're cooking. I like this. Maybe a whole theme, like a rap. A rap rhyme..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "An urban thing..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "An urban, yeah, Stanley? You wanna help us out with that?... Stanley, earth to Stanley..." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Not me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes you. Come on, Stanley, put your little game down and join the group." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Stanley, we're havin a little..." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Leave me alone, dammit." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We're havin a little brainstorm session..." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "DID I STUTTER?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "...Good, this is good. I'm going to grab a glass of water." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Can I talk to you a second?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ugh, what?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Uh, I really think that you need to address what happened with Stanley this morning..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What are you blabbering about? Nothing happened." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Well, you know, Stanley was openly insubordinate." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That? In the conference room?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We were joshin around, the two of us, and he said \"did I stutter,\" and I said \"wha-wha-wha-wha-what, dawg?\" It was joking, Toby, alright?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "He didn't seem like he was joking." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well you don't get it, because Stanley is a beautiful, sassy, powerful black man, and you're... you. If you had any friends, you would understand. Friends joke with one another: \"Hey um, you're poor.\" \"Well hey, you're mama's dead.\" That's what friends do. It's... you're so white." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Alright... Well, um, if you really believe that Stanley was joking..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mmhmm." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Um, why don't you go ask him that?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, I will... I'm not feeling very well right now though. My stomach hurts, so I may be going home early today, but..." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "You know, Michael, sometimes my daughter's stomach hurts when there's a mean girl at school..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well sometimes my stomach hurts when you come into my office, so it's probably psychological." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "You meet a lot of ladies driving an Xterra, because you pull up to a stoplight, and look over and there's an Xterra next to you. They're always driven by chicks, so there's your icebreaker." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[kicks the car] Unh! Scratch." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That's a racing stripe." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Uh, bumper's sagging." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Mmm, I doubt that very much." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "This car's crap. I will buy it for next to nothing." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "How next to?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, here are your options: you can sell it for parts, drive it off a cliff... you can donate it to a person that you'd like to see die in a car crash, or, you can sell it to me, and I'll use it as I would a wagon on my farm. It will be towed by a donkey." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I have to pick one of those?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Can you go over those options again?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You know what? You knock $1500 of the price right now, and I will take it off your hands. It's gotta be now." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well I have the, the blue book value..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Seal the deal. Let's do it. Let's do this thing. Three, two, one--" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Can I think about it?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Five, four, three, two..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Let me think about it--" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Now. Now. Now." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Let me think about it--" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Say it. Do it. Now." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'm thinking about it--" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Do it now." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Thinking--" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Do it. Shake my hand. You will sell me this car. Shake my hand." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah. All right!" } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "What." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I, uh, see that you... gave me that form that I asked you to give me, Stanley the manly, so thank you for that. I guess we are back to normal." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "What are you talking about?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, you know, uh, the thing that you said earlier, that you didn't mean, um, and that I forgive you for. The whole thing's silly, isn't it? Friends don't need to apologize to friends as far as I'm concerned, so we are cool." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I am not going to apologize to you." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "It's like I used to tell my wife, I do not apologize unless I think I'm wrong, and if you don't like it you can leave. And I say the same thing to my current wife, and I'll say it to my next one too." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jim is in charge of Stanley only in sales-related matters, hence the green line--green for money-sales, get it?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh huh..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "There is this yellow zigzag that does give Ryan the authority to discipline Stanley..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Great" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "However, in so doing, it zigs past your name, hence zagging you and making you appear weak. Thus the yellow color. Yellow for cowardly." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What's the pink?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Menstrual cycles." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok... Is there anybody up here, anybody at all, that can deal with this?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Other than me." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, there is the emergency disaster mode for the org chart. This gives me full authority over every single person in the office." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I never said you could do that." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "All you have to do it say it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Just say it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, I will think about it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Say it. Just do it. Don't think, say it. Do it. Five, four, three, two... do it. Give me control. Michael... I promise to give authority back to you when this crisis is over. Do it, Michael. Do it. Hey, this office needs a strong man. Say it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So... All right, well, you're gonna have to deal with this yourself." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hey Pam, I really like your glasses." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, thanks." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "All the girlfriends that I've ever had have worn glasses." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, okay..." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah, it's kind of a turn-on for me actually..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I should probably get back to..." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Like librarians." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Entering the...." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Could you just say, \"these are due back Thursday\"?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No. [Kevin leaves; Pam takes off her glasses; phone rings] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Okay, go ahead. [puts a notepad close to her face and writes message]" } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "A lot of jazz cats are blind, but they can play the piano like nobody's business. I'd like to put the piano in front of Pam without her glasses and see what happens. I'd also like to see her topless." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Mike." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I'm very busy here, man." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Darryl, [clears throat] have you ever been in a gang?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Why?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's an advice question, and if you don't wanna talk about it, I completely understand. It's, um..." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "No, no, no..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know, it's very, very personal..." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "No, um... I have." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I knew it. Okay, who we talking about here? Crips? Bloods?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Both." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "God." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yeah them, and the Latin Kings... the Warriors..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Newsies." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, so dig this: you're on the street, and one of your gang disses you." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Oh my goodness." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, right, so what do you do to get them to make it right?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Well see, um... in the gang world, we use something called Fluffy Fingers." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What is that?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "That's when somebody really gets in your face, you know, you just... start tickling them." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yeah, and then he starts tickling you. You know, pretty soon you're laughing and hugging. Before you know it, you've forgotten the whole thing. Ya'll can just go to church together... get an ice cream cone." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I would've never thought that gangs would be tickling each other." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Well, it's effective." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[to Toby] I think it's self-explanatory. [to Jim] Hey, Jim, come here for a second. Can you answer me something, as, as a true Eagles fan?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh boy..." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "How do you live with a franchise this bad?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "On a wing and a prayer, mostly." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Alright, whatever you say. Uh, listen, while I have you here with Toby, I need to give you a formal warning about your job performance." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "A formal warning... [chuckles]" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "It's actually not a joke. I know how you spend your time here, and I know how little you care about your job. And honestly if you spent as much time selling as you do goofing around with Dwight and hanging out at reception, we wouldn't be having this conversation." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[stammers] I'm sorry, is, is this because I talked to Wallace about your website? Because I really didn't mean to go over your head." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "This is nothing to do with that, alright? I always appreciate constructive criticism about my job performance. I thrive on it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm sorry, then do you mind explaining a little better? Cause I'm not sure what's really..." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Woah, don't get all defensive, alright? It's just a warning. If you want the details, Toby can provide them. You take it easy, alright?" } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "I'd say all the goofing around at Pam's desk, and, and hanging out with Pam, has finally caught up to him... w-with Pam" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, what happened? What did Ryan want?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh we were just... talking about, bureaucratic stuff..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Because you're very important?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah..." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[washing the Xterra] Rocka doopa deepa do POW! Shacka do DO! Oh! What's Dwight up to? Oh probably nothing. Racka do do dee do-do do-do! Sha-KA!" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "What the hell is this all about? [holds up flier] You're flipping my car for profit." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's my car now." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I gave you a deal... based on what you said to me." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, well... seller beware. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to monitor a three-way bidding war for my car on eBay." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I've got a Madlib for you: a stupid, idiotic, numbskull named Andy Bernard sold his Xterra to a smart and capable man named Dwight. This is shaping up to be an awesome day for Dwight." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, everybody, shh! So, earlier today, Stanley sassed me, and Toby gave me some suggestions on how to discipline him. They did not work, obviously, because they were stupid, so I am now going to fake fire him." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What does that mean?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's like a mock execution." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's not a good idea." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes it is a good idea. It's the only possible solution I have left." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Well, you can actually fire him." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, okay... I've had enough of you." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Why are you telling us this?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Because I want you to behave as if I'm actually firing him, Oscar, okay?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Michael, if you hadn't told us this, then we would've thought that you were actually firing him." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm not firing him. I'm not, I need you to act like I am firing him. Just, what I'm going to do, is I'm going to pretend that I am firing him, and I need you to act like I am firing him. Do you get that? Do you get it? I'm teaching him a lesson. He needs to learn humility, alright? That's all I'm, okay, here he comes. Let's just... play act. [Stanley enters the room] Stanley, may I talk to you for a second?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Stanley Hudson, you are fired." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Are you serious?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am serious, we are all serious. You are fired like a heart attack." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "You're firing me over three words. Have you lost your mind? Do you think I'm gonna let you do this to me?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hmm." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I've watched you screw up this office for ten years, and I'm filing a lawsuit, and I'm gonna tell them about every stupid thing you've ever done up in this office." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright alright, okay, you know what? Now you know how I feel. This was a fake firing. Lesson learned. Good work, everybody. Very nice." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "So I'm not fired." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's it. And uh... do you have anything to say to me?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Oh yes, I do. You are out of your damn, little pea-sized, mind. What is wrong with you? Do you have any sense? At all?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay..." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Do you have any idea how to run an office?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Every day you do something stupider than you did the day before." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's not-" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "And I think, \"there's no possible way--" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right, all right..." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "He can top that.\"" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "But what do you do?! You find a way, dammit, to top it! You are professional idiot!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, STOP IT! Okay, everybody out." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Who?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Everybody, except Stanley." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Let's go." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I can't find my glasses." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, you know what? Why don't you take my hand, and leave them, and let's get out of here." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay, okay." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[chuckling] It's Michael versus Stanley, and it is the clash of the titans. In one corner, you have Michael, and he is mad. And then, in the other corner, you have Stanley, and he's mad. So that's about it!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[starts to cry] I don't understand why you keep picking on me." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Oh, for the love of God." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You just, do, and I don't know why, so... please help me understand." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Fine. Here it is: you are a person I do not respect. The things you say, your actions, your methods, and style. Everything you would do, I would do it the opposite way." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well Stanley, maybe you're feeling that you don't respect me because you don't know me very well." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Michael I have known you a very long time, and the more I've gotten to know you, the less I've come to respect you. Any other theories?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right, you don't respect me. I accept that. But listen to me, you can't talk to me that way in this office, you just can't. I am your boss. Can't allow it." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Fair enough." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am good person, and sometimes, good people don't get no respect. Rodney Dangerfield. [as Rodney Dangerfield] Hey, I don't get no respect. No respect at all. When I was in the sandbox as a kid, I got not respect. My wife likes to talk after sex, so she called me from a hotel room, and said, \"I don't respect you!\" Ahh, thoughtless. Aw, you know what don't get no respect? Airplane food. Why don't they just make the plane out of the airline food? My wife don't get no respect, some--take her, please, for example. [as Jeff Foxworthy] If you don't get no respect, you might be redneck. [as Borat] Respect is niiice. Borat. [as Rodney Dangerfield] What's the deal with Grapenuts? No grapes, no nuts. I don't get no respect!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "So I'm thinking, as a reward for our loyal clients, that we contact their assistants, and we find out where they live. And then, we go to their houses, in the middle of the summer, and go caroling. It is a summer Christmas sale-abration. And we call it, a summer sales-a-lot. Feedback? Anybody? Stanley?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Has potential to be your best idea yet. [Michael smiles]" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "That's the dumbest thing I ever heard. [laughs]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dammit, Phyllis. Alright, everybody out except Phyllis." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know, I don't care what he did to me. He's mean to other people, that's what gets me. He's just..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Who else is he mean to?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Everybody. He just, he's always, he's always talking about people behind their backs to me." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What kind of stuff does Stanley say?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Like that people are stupid, and that they're idiots, and that they're sluts." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Why would he say that?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Because he's mean. He's, he's like a really mean-spirited guy. He talks about how gay Oscar is..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mm-hmm." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And that Angela's a midget, and that [indicates Jim] your chin is too big." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know, I know. I think it's tiny. I think it's too small if anything. And that your glasses make you look ugly." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "She's never worn these glasses before." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, he's just mean." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael, I think that what Stanley did to you was rude. Maybe you should just get him aside and tell him that he was behaving badly." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's complicated, Pam. I mean, the world looks a lot easier from behind your reception desk." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, I actually agree with her, I think you should talk to him. And you also might want to explain to Andy that no one wants to help him decide whether or not he has a rash." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh, yeah, and then, yell at Creed, because you know what? Looking can be as bad as touching." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I put Stanley on a pedestal, for a long time. But sometimes he can just be a big, fat jerk. I... jerks don't deserve to be on pedestals. Jerks should be placed up somewhere where everybody can see how jerky they are. Big marble... jerk stand." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam, stand up." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hi everyone. My name is Pam, and I wear glasses." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Hi, Pam." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pretty disgusting." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I like your frames." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thanks, Phyllis. Yours, too." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh, well, I'm already married. Boys don't make passes at girls who wear glasses." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Ignore her, those glasses are so cool." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Yeah, you look like Lisa Loeb or Tina Fey or someone. You should definitely wear them all the time." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Huh. Maybe I will." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Guess who just became the cutest girl in the office." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "What's it like without my glasses? Um, well, here, I'll show you. Unfocus your lens. A lot. I'm 20/400. You got it? Okay, I'm gonna spend the rest of the day like this. I can't see any of the things that would bother me on a normal day. I can't see anything disgusting, or ugly, or Michael... it's great." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yo!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hi, can I help you?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Haha, nice! I guess I have been a stranger lately." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[pointing] Ryan!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Hey, Pam, do you want a bagel? [throws it]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Think fast. [it hits her in the face] Honestly, Pam, the bagels in New York are the only good bagels in the world, I swear to God." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "The only good bagels anywhere." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I've heard that. [reaches down to pick up bagel from the floor]" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Same with coffee, and women." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I'm gonna go find Toby. Oh, here's what you do. [takes her bagel] You scoop out the middle, like that, and then you just eat the shell. You know? [pats his belly, points to Pam] Fewer carbs." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, if I could have seen what he just did, I think I would have gotten angry." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "A formal warning, seriously?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Well, as you know, Dwight has filed a lot of complaints against you over the years." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And no one cared." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "But now it's being looked at as more of a productivity issue." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Productivity? My numbers are good." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I know, um, but Ryan thinks that, uh, they're not good enough." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Wallace likes Jim. So going after him - that's a risky move for me, but in business, you gotta take risks. Sometimes you gotta get out on the open highway, with the top down [pushes button about eight times to get the top down. Finally it comes down and it's all bunched up. As he's fixing it, the car rolls backwards a bit.]" } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey. Ready? Come on, show me excited!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Yes. [small fist-pumps from both Pam and Oscar.]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, I'm pretty excited too." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Today I'm heading over to the job fair at Valley View High School, to find some new interns. Want to get some fresh blood. Um, euthanize this place." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Hey, are we doing this thing?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yup." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh my God, Darryl, you look like Barack Obama. Everybody I'm dating Barack Obama!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why are you dressed like that?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[in a dress shirt and tie] Like what?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Like you're applying for a loan." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Maybe he's going to church. Or court." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Figured I look presentable. [looks Michael over] You? [Michael dressed casually in jeans and sneakers] Went a different way." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[to Darryl] I think you look nice." }, { "character": "Michael & Darryl", "line": "[simultaneously] Thank you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, here's what we're going to do: I'm going to instruct the kids about management and sales. Oscar will be in charge of accounting. Pam will be eye candy. No... uh, also, because that is your alma mater. Darryl will hire some kids for the warehouse. We don't have to worry about internships with them, because they definitely ain't going to college." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "What college did you go to Mike?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Let's go!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Today, I am meeting a potential client on the golf course, because Ryan put me on probation. You remember Ryan, he was the temp here. Yeah. And uh, it is not a good time for me to lose my job. Since I have some pretty big long term plans in my personal life with Pam, that I'd like her parents to be psyched about. So I am about to do something very bold at this job that I've never done before. Try." } ], [ { "character": "Phil Maguire", "line": "[takes golf swing] Whoa!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mr. Maguire, it's been a couple of years." }, { "character": "Phil Maguire", "line": "Hey Jim, how are you, nice to see you man." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh no! No, no-no-no-no! My grandfather would be spinning in his urn, if he knew that I was out here with a Dartmouth boy. You take that shirt off right now or I will take it off for you, sir. I am... totally and completely kidding! [they both laugh] Andrew Bernard, Cornell '95." }, { "character": "Phil Maguire", "line": "Phil Maguire, Dartmouth, '74 [goes to shake Andy's hand]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oop, got some blisties." }, { "character": "Phil Maguire", "line": "Yeah, you do." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hit about 1200 balls last night, in preparation for today, so hands are a little tender. [shows blisters on both hands] It's actually not funny at all. It's incredibly painful." } ], [ { "character": "Phil", "line": "Let's make it interesting, say, uh, ten bucks a hole?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Great!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "What are we talking? Skins? Acey Duecy? Bingo bango bongo? Sandies, Barkies? Arnies, Wolf? What?" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I'm gonna take this petty cash I got from Oscar, and turn it into next month's rent." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "So many memories in this old gym. Pretending I have PMS so I didn't have to play volleyball, pretending I have PMS so I didn't have to play basketball. Those were the days!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Darryl approaches as students throw basketballs] A little over the top, don't you think?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Show them what you brought, Mike." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[holds up single sheet of paper] Um, that's all we brought." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "This is all we need." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "We'll see." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes we will see Oscar, we will see, because a blank sheet of paper equals endless possibilities! Conceptual! All right! We. Are. Open for business! [all four of them sit in an empty booth with small Dunder Mifflin sign] Hello!" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Andy, you're up, let's go!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[gushing lotion inside his golf gloves] Giddy up, let's do this." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "People assume I'm great at golf. But like everybody, I hated golf lessons when I was a kid. So, I used to hang out at the sailing club instead. Got my \"knot\" on." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[swings] Dammit!" } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Guys, do we have to stay all day?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I mean, Michael's gone, can't we just go?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Yeah, and I finished my work months ago!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Excuse me, people. It has come to my attention, some of you have forgotten, who is in charge here. When Michael is gone... Jim is in charge. When Jim is gone, Andy and I are in charge. When Andy is gone you answer to me. Okay? [Stanley gets up to go] Excuse me where do you think you're going? Oh no, no, no. You're not leaving. No! Stanley, do not walk out that door! If you walk out that door, so help me, I will - [Stanley leaves] He left. Last time I checked, the American workday ends at five pm. You will all stay at your desks until that time. Or, you will suffer the consequences." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "What consequences?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I will tell on you." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "There's some filing, restocking the supply shelves. Replacing the water jug, which nobody likes to do. Um, we... uh, eat a lot of cake!" }, { "character": "Justin", "line": "Cool." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[laughs] Yeah, and uh, you basically learn how an office runs." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hello. Hi. [to Pam] Can I talk to you for a sec? Excuse me." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "This is Michael, my boss. [she points] Justin." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, uh, remember what we talked about, in the car on the way up, \"only the best and the brightest.\"" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "He's nice and he seems interested." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "He's totally wrong, Pam. [to Justin] Hey." }, { "character": "Justin", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "How you doing? Listen, I don't think that a handsome, funny, smart, funny-looking kid like you, should limit himself. You could do whatever you want to do. You could be a classy janitor, or a cashier with dignity, or a... migraine worker. [takes back the info flyer Justin holds] Maybe for you, paper should be more of a hobby." }, { "character": "Justin", "line": "Sorry for wasting your time." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, no problem. [looks down] And he signed! He put his name on the piece of - okay, that was supposed to be a blank canvas on which to put their hopes and dreams. And he just, made it into a stupid piece of paper. We need another one, immediately." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yeah, the booth is lame without it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I only brought the one." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Are you mental?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael, do you remember, you specifically told me to only bring one sheet of paper? You said it only takes one sheet to make a difference. And I said, \"Are you sure Michael?\" And you said \"Pam! Pam! Pam!\" And then you sneezed in my tea, and then you said, \"Don't worry, it's just allergies.\" Do you remember that?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I... don't." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay. I'll go look for another one. [she leaves]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And that. Is why. I need a smart intern." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, so how's the direct mail business going?" }, { "character": "Phil", "line": "I can't complain, people love their junk mail." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Now are you getting all your paper from PPC? Or-" }, { "character": "Phil", "line": "You know what Jim? I'm not really looking to change things up right now, I just came out here to get out of the office for a little bit, so why don't we just play, okay?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Absolutely, will do." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "So I guess I'll just... work on my short game." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[teen approaches table] Hello there." }, { "character": "Kid", "line": "What is this company?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well it's funny that you should ask, because it's really more than a company..." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Dunder Mifflin paper." }, { "character": "Kid", "line": "Thanks. [walks away]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dammit, Oscar!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, I'm trying to lure these kids into my booth, but uh, kids are very wary about being \"lured\" these days. Thank you Dateline!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thank you. [hangs up phone, leaves for restroom]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Extension 128." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "[over phone] Hiya Pumpkin, it's Creed." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Say, we're gonna ditch this bitch. You in?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Are you out? [Angela hangs up] Pumpkin's out, let's go gang! [they all make a run for the door, Dwight re-enters room with only Angela left]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "My old art room. [finds a sheet of blank paper] Oh, maybe it's still here! [looks for her painting] No. No they must have taken it down. Never mind." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[answers cell] What do you want?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael, I know you're swamped. I just thought you should know that everyone in the office has left, except for Angela and I. Do not worry though, I have taken down their names, and I have docked them a personal day." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Who cares? I'm not there, Jim's not there, why should they have to be there?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So... what else is up? [Michael hangs up] Mich-" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you! [Pam hands him blank paper] What, what is this?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "A piece of paper." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "This isn't Dunder Mifflin paper. Some sort of Pendleton crap." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well I think they'll get the spirit of it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam-Pam-Pam-Pam-PamPamPamPam! We're dying here. I want you to go back to the office and I want you to get the real stuff. I want you to get ultra white card stock." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Are you serious?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes. And don't call me Shirley." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Phil", "line": "Oh! [Phil is stuck in the sand trap] Ah, dammit!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know, you can just pick it up, take the triple bogey." }, { "character": "Phil", "line": "Yeah I'll- I'll get it out. Thank you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yep. [Maguire keeps swinging]" } ], [ { "character": "Angela & Dwight", "line": "[silently working] [Pam walks back into office, gets paper out of the copier, shows it \"voila\" to camera, leaves]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[Jim's cellphone rings] AH! Come on, Tuna!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, can't really talk now, what's up?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Just checking in, how's it going?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh, you know, we'll see, we'll see." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I just drove twenty miles round-trip back to the office to get Michael a single sheet of white paper. So, I could have just had them fax it to me, I guess." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, I like you." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Talk to you later?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah. All right. Bye. [Kevin sinks putt] All right. Sorry, I got to annoy you one more time. What if I bring down shipping costs?" }, { "character": "Phil", "line": "You can try. But I've looked at your prices. Even with free shipping? Doesn't work. It's just- it's not in the stars, Jim. [Phil sinks putt] Six." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "All right, race to the next hole! [he runs off to the cart]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Ooh! Winner gets ten bucks! Wait -wait for me! Andy!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Shortcut! Shortcut! [drives cart off course, it flips over] Woah! I fell in the sandtrap!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[hums at copier, Angela waiting behind him]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "All of these jobs? Suck. I would rather live jobless, on a beach somewhere, off the money from a large inheritance, than to have to work in any one of these crap-holes. They suck." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey! [walks up to Oscar and Darryl tossing basketballs, grabs Oscar's ball] Game over. [kicks the ball up to the gymnasium ceiling]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[singsong] Just-in time." }, { "character": "Justin", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just-in case. What's your last name?" }, { "character": "Justin", "line": "Polznik." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "This... just in. Justin Polznik! Huh?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Justin is the ugly girl in the movie, who takes off her glasses and she's hot! And you realize she was always hot, she was just wearing glasses. And that you were the blind one. He's the most... important thing in my life right now." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I want you to meet my family. Come on. Oscar Martinez. Accountant extraordinaire. This is Justin." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Justin", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "This is Darryl Philbin. Isn't he big? And you already met her, Pam Beesly, office hottie. She will \"do\" you. [laughs] No, no. But she has already dated two guys in the office, that we know of, so, this could be number three, you never know?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Excuse me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Come here. I would never say this to her face, but she is a wonderful person and a gifted artist." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Why, why wouldn't you say that to her face?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So, what do you think? Think these guys are nice? The guys I didn't bring are even better. Justin, I'm willing to commit right now. Would you do me the honor, of spending the summer with us, at Dunder Mifflin? I think, I think you are very special." }, { "character": "Justin", "line": "You didn't want me before. That's what you said." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I didn't. You misconstrued me." }, { "character": "Justin", "line": "You were kind of a jerk to me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I, uh, hmm." }, { "character": "Justin", "line": "And I'm, I'm gonna go now." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why don't... hey." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[trying to pick up a beer bottle with blistered hands, struggles trying to take a drink as everyone watches.]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[tries to stop a sneeze] Ah-choo!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Bless you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thank you. [Angela turns to look at him.]" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Okay, Jim, you owe me one-twenty, and Phil, you owe me two-thirty." }, { "character": "Phil", "line": "Let's open a tab, because you and me are gonna be playing more often." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Count me in!" }, { "character": "Phil", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "All right!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay. You had some fun, and uh, I think I paid for it. So let me get my last shot in there. Is there anything you can do for me?" }, { "character": "Phil", "line": "I'll tell you what. My fiscal year ends in two months, let's talk then. Sound good?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Absolutely." }, { "character": "Maguire", "line": "Good playing with you guys." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Right on." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know it's a tough thing, seeing a grown man take six shots to get out of a sand trap but, I had to give Phil credit for not quitting. Which is what I told him. I also told him I don't quit either, and I'd call him every single day until he gave me his business. Which he then did, after ...fifteen minutes of me blocking his car. So I am now his paper supplier! And I shot a 102 today, so I'm feeling pretty good." } ], [ { "character": "Woman on mic", "line": "The job fair will be closing in five minutes. Eighth period will commence as scheduled." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hold down the fort, I have to do something. [walks up to microphone] Excuse me. If you can hear me, I'd like you to look around at all these companies and know that none of them are good enough for you. H&R Block? Come on, I mean I don't even know what they do. Frank Regan Funeral Home? Too much formaldehyde! The Air Force? [Airforce recruiter glares at Michael] Air Force is cool. The refreshments? Bush league! You know, that's not what you want. Dunder- they, well, okay I see security is coming so I just want to say, come to Dunder Mifflin. Dunder Mifflin, a great place to work! Anybody? Show of hands, anybody want to intern at Dunder Mifflin? We do not offer college credit, we cannot give you any sort of pay, but it is a really fun work environment. Anybody? Show of hands? Damn... it. Okay, I'm gonna wrap it up here. Thank you for your time, and drive safe." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "[Dwight and Angela exiting, he opens door for her] Thank you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You're welcome." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[clink of beer bottles] Beers? You closed it?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I closed it!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes! Oh! [runs into his arms, kisses him] Um, congratulations to you, sir. [they shake hands business-like]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thank you. Oh, thank you very much. Appreciate it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well done." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thank you. You know what, screw this! [pulls Pam into a big smooch]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oooh! [Kevin and Andy add suggestive \"bow-chicka-wow-wow\" vocals]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Today I did something stupid. I questioned myself. And I will never do that again. Because I look at somebody like Jim Halpert and I think, that guy can do anything he wants to do. He could do anything, and he chooses to work here, selling paper. Just like me." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[standing way too close to Jim and Pam] Yeah, kiss her. Kiss her good. [Jim and Pam stop kissing]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Graphics guy", "line": "Hello." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I was just wondering, what kind of jobs do you guys have?" }, { "character": "Graphics guy", "line": "Are you interested in graphic design?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah. Can I fill out an application?" }, { "character": "Graphics guy", "line": "Oh absolutely, here, take a seat. I should let you know right away, this is just an entry-level job. It's really basic. We're looking for like, a self starter, someone who can meet deadlines, who just pretty much just go the extra mile, I guess." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I can do that." }, { "character": "Graphics guy", "line": "Great. And uh, obviously looking for someone who knows Photoshop, and Dreamweaver. Uh, Corel Painter, Illustrator, AfterEffects, all the basics." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't know any of those." }, { "character": "Graphics guy", "line": "[laughs] It's actually not super-complicated. I mean I'm sure there's some sort of like, adult education classes in the area. But if you're really serious about graphic design, one thing about New York or Philadelphia, they've got amazing programs out there for design." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "New York or Philadelphia." }, { "character": "Graphics guy", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "All right. Cool, well... thanks." }, { "character": "Graphics guy", "line": "Sure." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "And uh, I'll look into those." }, { "character": "Graphics guy", "line": "You should." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "New York or Philadelphia." }, { "character": "Graphics guy", "line": "Absolutely." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Graphics guy", "line": "It's where the action is." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thanks." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, kids today have a very short attention span. They are into texting and video games and sex, and they just, they get distracted easily. And today they're being distracted by the other booths." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[clears throat] Hey, there! Michael Scott, regional manager, Dunder Mifflin." }, { "character": "Brad", "line": "Brad Bailey, nice to meet you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That is a very firm handshake. Ow, ow, aahch! Killing my hand, there." }, { "character": "Brad", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So, what is your poison? You like uh, sales, accounting, customer service, what do you like..." }, { "character": "Brad", "line": "Sales, uh, sales would be cool." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sales is and could be very, very cool. If you like paper, and you love to laugh, this is the place for you." }, { "character": "Brad", "line": "Well, that's great." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Right here. We have a lot of fun." }, { "character": "Brad", "line": "Mmhmm." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Pam returns] This is one of our staff. This is Pam Beesly, [takes piece of paper from Pam] receptionist extraordinaire." }, { "character": "Brad", "line": "Hey, Pam, what's up?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Check that out, huh?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hi, nice to meet you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pretty nice." }, { "character": "Brad", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "She sits there all day." }, { "character": "Brad", "line": "Nice." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You get to look at her. Why don't you hold out your hand. [hands Brad paper] Tell me what you feel." }, { "character": "Brad", "line": "Paper." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's called card stock. That's what you're feeling. Now what you're feeling inside is confusion, butterflies, exhilaration... You're thinking, \"Am I good enough for this job? Do I have what it takes?\" And I think we both know the answer. We'll find that out together. You can keep that." }, { "character": "Brad", "line": "Are you sure?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mmm, yeah." }, { "character": "Brad", "line": "Sweet. [camera zooms in on Pam]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Don't fold it, though." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "We have the Dundies, my birthday, those blow out, and it's sexy, it's sort of a sexy atmosphere, you know? The other day, in the parking lot, I actually found a condom. So. [to Pam] I've been meaning to ask you, do you know whose that was? [Pam shakes head no] So, sexy is fun..." }, { "character": "Brad", "line": "Well, it was nice meeting you, I'm, I'm gonna take off." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, you know what? Coincidence - I am going to go for a little stroll myself. Are you psyched about the summer?" }, { "character": "Brad", "line": "Oh, yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, me, too." }, { "character": "Brad", "line": "Okay, well, I'm gonna go to the bathroom." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, be my guest." }, { "character": "Brad", "line": "Thanks." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And do your worst." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[to Brad coming out of the bathroom] Hey." }, { "character": "Brad", "line": "Whoa, come on!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So, I forgot to mention that my old temp is now my boss, so, gives you an idea of how quickly you can move up in this..." }, { "character": "Brad", "line": "Yeah, I get it, okay, I'm not interested. Stop following me around; you're really starting to creep me out." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "One other thing I wanted to..." }, { "character": "Brad", "line": "Nnn, look. I was just being polite. I don't want to waste my life selling paper for your stupid company, okay? [walks away]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[laughs] Ohh...Nah." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I'm gonna take so much money off that guy. That guy is a whale. I'm gonna clean him out. This is really gonna get me out of a hole." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "He's not my client." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "If your client likes Italian food, you bring him to Cugino's. And if your client likes a little action, you bring him a gambler. And if your client hates Cornell, you bring him Andy." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[tries to break club over knee] Ow! Ow! [tries again] Owooh!" }, { "character": "Phil Maguire", "line": "Guy's kind of a douche." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, well, you know...Cornell." }, { "character": "Phil", "line": "[chuckling] I guess." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, Justin!" }, { "character": "Justin", "line": "I'm sorry, I'm sort of in the middle of this." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wait, you want this kid to be in the Air Force?" }, { "character": "Air Force recruiter", "line": "Absolutely. Justin is smart, capable, ambitious, and he aims high." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Time out. You think this kid could be a fighter pilot?" }, { "character": "Air Force recruiter", "line": "I think Justin can be anything he wants to be." }, { "character": "Justin", "line": "[chuckling] Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Have you given any more thought to Dunder Mifflin?" }, { "character": "Justin", "line": "Well, you took away the brochure, so I sort of..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, yeah, but you don't need the brochure. The brochure is up here [indicates head] and it's in here. [indicates heart]" }, { "character": "Justin", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I think you are smart, and capable, and you aim high." }, { "character": "Justin", "line": "That's what the recruiter just said." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm right." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[cell phone rings] Hello, this is Dwight Schrute. [phone keeps ringing] Hello?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[presses button on headset] Hello, this is Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hello? Hello?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes, we do have that. Hold on one second..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jim, what are you doing?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And how many would you like?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Uh, uh, hang that up right now. Ha-" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Absolutely. We can get that out to you immediately." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[into Jim's headset] This man is an imposter! Do not do business with him! This is not Dwight Schrute!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dwight left his cell phone on his desk. So, naturally, I paired it to my headset." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[cell phone rings] K, fine. I'll just let it go to voicemail." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[presses button on headset] Hello, this is Dwight." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, is this Dwight?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes it is." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh my goodness, you sound sexy." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, thank you. I've been working out." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Woah, woah, woah, Pam!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Have you?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Pam! You are not talking to Dwight right now. You are talking to Jim." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Dwight?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No! [waves arms] Pam, I'm over here!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm confused..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Disconnect that right now. You give me your earpiece." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Can't do that. Unsanitary." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ugh! Okay, you know what? Fine. I will reprogram my phone to go to my office phone. [presses buttons on his cell phone] Done." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[office phone rings at Jim's desk] This is Dwight." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, and I forwarded his desk phone to mine." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, hello Mater. Good news: I've married. Tell Fater. [hangs up] Such a nice woman." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[slams cell phone on desk] Argh! Ahh!!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Today is Toby Flenderson's last day. I couldn't sleep last night. I came extra-early. So much energy... There are certain days you know you know you will remember for the rest of your life, and I just have a feeling that today is one of those days." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Morning." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mornin'. [to camera] So here we go, just a matter of hours now, until his horribleness has left the building. I'm going to set my watch alarm... And... [watch beeps]" } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Good morning, Kelly." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I can't believe this is your last day. How do you feel?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Fine. Good." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I feel weird." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "First thing on the agenda-actually, the only thing on the agenda, is the status of Toby's going away party." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "We have a buttercream cake and a slideshow of Toby." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "But so far we only have two pictures of him." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, well, this will not do. Toby is going away forever, and uh, we need to do something very very special. In some cultures, when somebody leaves, like New Orleans culture, they have a parade and they have a band and people party in the streets..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Do you mean, leaves as in dies? You want us to throw Toby a New Orleans' funeral?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "If the Devil were to explode, and evil were gone forever, what sort of party would you have?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Michael..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Like a beach blowout? Or a toga, toga-" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No. You know-no!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Toga!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "You always do this! We have a nice, modest party planned, and then you come in and demand the world. Let me be clear. There is simply no money for anything other than a cake and to develop a few more slides... although Toby won't be in them." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I thought that you might say that. [takes off his shoe; hums; takes out cash from shoe]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Every year, my sweet, sweet grandmother sends me a check on my birthday for fifty dollars. And lately, she has been sending me, like nine or ten checks a year... uh, as Nana starts to... but, I knew I should be saving it for something, I just didn't know what I should be saving it for. And then I had an awakening. \"Michael, buy a motorcycle.\" So I put the money in my shoe, and then I forgot about it until now." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I want a party that makes me feel like I am flying through the air without this... ugly weight holding me down, you know?... I want an antigravity machine. I saw it in a movie. You drink a potion, and then you just start floating all around." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "So how much antigravity potion do you want?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No! No! You know what? This is not a party-planning committee anymore! And I don't want your foot money, and I feel uncomfortable participating." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Phyllis, can you do this?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "[whispers] Yes." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hi, can I help you?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Hi. Yes, uh, I'm Holly Flax. I was told to ask for a Mr. Flenderson?" } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "As part of my last day I'm training the new Human Resources rep in the ways of the company. Again, the company has allotted for this training-one day." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "So this is H.R. This is your desk." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "I love the view." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Yeah, it's great, isn't it?" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey. [kisses Jim on cheek]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey... What?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Guess who just got into the Pratt School of Design." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No way! What did I say? I said that they'd love those sketches. Congratulations!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, thank you! I don't know why I doubted it, because I'm so clearly awesome!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes! So when do you start?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't know, I didn't read it carefully, I just saw \"congratulations\" and I skimmed the list, I saw my name, I came in here to tell you and get a snack." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow. Busy morning." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "So, you know it means I have to go to New York for three months..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It's not a big deal. I'll come visit you. And you'll visit me. It's only two hours away. It'll be fine. That part's gonna suck, but it'll be great." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, it sucks, but it'll be great." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "See how easy that is?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ohh... [they hug; she laughs]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I wouldn't go if things weren't so solid with Jim. And down the road, if we have a family, I couldn't go then either. So, the timing's perfect... And that is the first time I've ever used the word \"perfect\" in here!" } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Hey, Stanley..." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Hmm?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I want to introduce you to..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[watching from his office] Toby's replacement. Ugh. Wow." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So what do we know about her?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, we know that Toby thinks she'll be great. So, strike one, I hate her already." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I hate her too." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why do you hate her?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Because she... stinks... with her... ways... and her... head." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know, Dwight, sometimes... I don't know, I think you say things just to agree with me." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Would that be such a bad thing?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah! It would! Just have a thought. Have an original thought. Although, I will agree that her head is weird. You know what we need to do?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We need to sell her an elevator pass." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "But our, our elevator doesn't require a pa... [gasps]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Exactly. A little old-fashioned hazing." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Hi. Are there any local companies that rent antigravity machines?" }, { "character": "Woman over speakerphone", "line": "Antigravity machines?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "That's right. Yeah." }, { "character": "Woman over speakerphone", "line": "What do they do exactly?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "They make you feel lighter..." }, { "character": "Woman over speakerphone", "line": "Antigravity... Um... Anti...depressants? I could put you through to someone on that." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[knock on door] Yeah." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Hey Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, hey, do you still work here?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I'd like to introduce you to my replacement." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nah." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Come on." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. I think I will pass." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Michael Scott, this is Holly." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hi. Yeah. Right. Okay, well, they hired a female Toby. Good for the world. Thank you, God, for creating two of you. Here's how things work here: my job is to make the office fun. Your job is to make the office lame. And we have an eternal struggle, you and I. And only one of us can be the winner. Spoiler alert: I'm gonna win." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Man, someone doesn't like H.R." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "[to Toby] What did you do to him?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Nothing." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "T-No. He tortured me... with his awfulness." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Yeah, I know what you mean. I nearly fell asleep when he gave me a tour of the files. Um, well look, I'll let you get back to work, but I-I really look forward to working with you, Mr. Scott." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Y-You can-Michael." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thanks to Toby, I have a very strong prejudice against Human Resources. I believe that the department is a breeding ground for monsters. What I failed to consider though, is that not all monsters are bad. Like E.T. Is Holly our extraterrestrial? Maybe. Or maybe she's just an awesome woman from this planet." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "[shaking Holly's hand] The pleasure's all mine." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Oh, thanks. I'm really looking forward to sitting down with you and finding out more about what you do here." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Any time." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "What do you do here?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "...Excuse me." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "What is wrong with this woman? She's asking about stuff that's nobody's business. \"What do I do?\"... Really, what do I do here? I should've written it down. \"Qua\" something, uh... qua... quar... quibo, qual...quir-quabity. Quabity assuance! No. No, no, no, no, but I'm getting close." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[whispering] Have you been introduced to Kevin?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "No. Which one's Kevin? [they glance over at Kevin subtly, who is stifling a giggle]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "He's here on a special work program. He's slow, you know, in his brain." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Oh. Good for you guys." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hazing is a fun way to show a new employee that she is not welcome or liked." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Accounting department, listen up. Holly, Human Resources. Angela, Oscar, and Kevin. [accountants mumble hellos]" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Hello. Hello. [to Kevin] Hi." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "What do you do?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I do the numbers." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Oh, good for you." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Do you want a M&M?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Oh, no, that is so sweet. But thank you though." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah. I keep them here at my desk so that everybody doesn't take them." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Well that is a very safe place for them." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Here she is! Holly... You know, if we hung Holly from the ceiling, we'd have to kiss underneath of her. So-I know. Oh, sorry. Question, are you real, or are you a Hollygram?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Oh... [laughs along] Nice, I've never heard that one before actually." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I bet." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "That's good." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I bet. Are these guys boring your ears off?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "No, no, I..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh... What, um, what is your commute like? How long does it take to get in?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Ooh, uh..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know, I should make you a mix. Do you have a, uh, a CD player?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Um... Y-yeah. Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Thanks." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yep." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Great." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Do you like it? It's a photo of everyone in the office. So you can take it to Costa Rica." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "You're-you're not in it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well I was taking the picture." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I love it. I love it... I would love a picture of the two of us, to also take to Costa Rica." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Sure, do you have a camera here?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "No, uh... [shouts] Does anyone have a camera here? [no one answers him] No one has a camera here. Uh..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay..." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I'm gonna... I'll go get one. Stay. [runs out of the office]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[on the phone] So I just got the fax closing the sale, and uh, it's big. It is really big." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Congratulations!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thanks." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Don't interrupt." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I just-" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Congratulations on doing your job. Did you enter the sale on the website?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, I didn't. I just logged it in right here, so..." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "All right, try to be a team player here, Jim. Log it in the website." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right, well it already went through, so..." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Don't worry about that. Just re-log it. [hangs up]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hello?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[listening to \"Crash Into Me\" on his computer] Hmm... Jim? [Jim comes into his office] I am downloading some N3P..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's not it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Music..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "For a CD mix tape..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Close." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "For Holly." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mmhmm." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And I'm looking for perfect songs that work on two levels." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What are the two levels?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "The two levels being, uh, \"Welcome to Scranton\"..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mmhmm." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And \"I... love you.\"" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay. Let's start with the \"I love you\" level." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, what's the group that was from Scranton that made it big? Was that U2?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes. You don't love Holly." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I think I do." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "But you just met her." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, it was love at first sight. Actually, it was-no, it was when I heard her voice. It was love at first see with my ears." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, okay, it doesn't work like that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, you're not a romantic." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Actually, I think I am. And I have a little bit of experience in office romance." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh really?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Like, with who?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "We've been through this." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes, we are still dating. And guess what? I took it slow." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, you took it too slow." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, we're really happy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "This thing with Holly feels a lot like love to me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And that's really sweet. And you can think that. But you don't say that out loud, and you definitely don't say it to her." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't want her to get away." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I know. Here, Michael, you can court her as you get to know her, you know? I mean, the office is a great place for that. Pam and I, we got to know each other right out there. I mean, the first time we joked around was at my desk. And the first meal we ever had was, in the break room, actually. We were at two separate tables and, I remember that. The first time we kissed even, was right outside, and... Look, all I'm saying is that you can get to know someone really really well, like I did, right here at work." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I was thinking... fireworks for the party. What do you think?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh boy. I appreciate your help, but I can't..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I just meant I wanted to pay to have fireworks at the party." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Why would you do that?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Because I'm gonna miss Toby. Yep, he's a heck of a guy, and I think we should send him off right. It doesn't matter. Here ya go. [hands her an envelope with money in it]" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well we all want a good party, right?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm going to propose tonight. Holy crap!" } ], [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "Hey Kevin." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Do you need some help?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I can't decide what to get." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Well, what do you like to eat?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Well I like pretzels, but, I really like chips." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Hmm. Well how much money do you have there? [looks at the change in his hand] Okay, let's see... fifty... Oh, this is a button. Okay. Fifty-five, sixty-five, okay, you have seventy-five cents. So, that means you could get anything up in the top row." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hmm..." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I'm totally gonna bang Holly! She is cute, and helpful, and she really seems into me." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[on phone, leaving a message] Hey, Ryan, it's Jim. Look man, I don't know what's gotten into you lately, but you know what? I really don't care, because you're trying to get rid of me. And I bet you don't think I care enough about this job to actually fight back, but you're wrong, because I do, and I will. So you can keep trying to push me out of this place, but guess what? I'm not going anywhere. [hangs up and exhales sharply]" } ], [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "[tool clicking] Damn it!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hello, Holly. [Holly is on the floor with her desk chair in pieces] Woah, what are you doing? You don't, uh, you don't have to do that. I mean, we have already put-together chairs. That's how we buy them actually." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Oh, I'm trying to adjust the lumbar support on Toby's chair and... that made this up/down lever thing not work, and then I took the whole chair apart, and that... is the story of me on the floor. It's pretty good, right? You know, I'm gonna sell the movie rights." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And the sequel, \"Woman Stands at Desk and Works.\" So, I have no idea how you, [he sits on the floor] how you sit like that." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Yoga." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[as Yoda] Sit on floor and put together chair we will. [laughs nervously] Yo-da. Um..." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "[as Yoda] Pass curvy metal piece, you will." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So are you in down this weekend? Cause, I'm not-I'm not... I'm not gonna be in town. I'm going out of town." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Ohh, so you can't make my orgy? Kidding!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Kidding. [overdramatically] Acting!" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "[overdramatically] Acting!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[overdramatically] Acting!" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "[laughs] Lovitz." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I did it! [exhales]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What'd you do?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I talked to her-Holly. Just pleasantries, nothing, you know... not like, do you want kids or, religion, or what side of the bed do you want. Hey, I can take either side of the bed at this point." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow. Okay, so how'd that feel?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It was hard. I wanted to kiss her." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, I'm so glad you didn't." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Whew, oh God. [inhales] Laying a base. Laying a base..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "There you go. There's plenty of base-laying left, right?... Hey. Hey!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[giddy] Yeah..." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Hello Angela." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Phyllis, you look like you're gonna have a heart attack." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Can I get a list of your vendors?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I shredded it." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Why would you do that?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Gosh, I just don't know. Why do you think?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "[knocks files off desk] Sorry." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "[Michael and Holly are still working on the chair] What'd you guys do?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, there he is. Thought you had gone home already. Why don't you go home, and come back for the party?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Well, we still have to do the exit interview." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes we do." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'll let you in on a little secret: I've been very much looking forward to this moment. Very, very much. I-I have been steeped in anticipation. Toby has been cruisin' for a bruisin' for twelve years, and I am now his cruise director, and my name is Captain Bruisin'." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "[Michael hands him a present] Wow, thanks, Michael, I..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Can I just say that, of all the idiots, in all the idiot villages, in all the idiot worlds, you stand alone, my friend." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "[enters conference room] Hello." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey! Hi, good to see you." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "You too." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm just having a little exit interview." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Yeah, I know, that's why I'm here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um, no, no, no. This is very boring stuff. Why don't you take a tour? Have you seen the baler?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "No, no, I'll look at it later. It's part of my job." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[enters conference room] Did you need me to take notes?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Hi Pam. Stay." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um... Alright, well then, I will proceed. [takes out note cards] I just have some questions that I was gonna ask. Um... Who do you think you are?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I'm Toby." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah. Correct. Um... What gives-what-what gives you the right?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Um, I-I brought the binder. Do you wanna take a little look?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sure. You know what? That sounds good. I'll take a little look-see." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Here you go." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you. [reads] What would you improve about Dunder Mifflin?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "This place, um..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, no no no no no..." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I've got some ideas, I guess..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No no no no no. I'm not asking it. I'm just reading it out loud." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Oh, I'd like to hear the answer." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Well let me see... I would, uh..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[hides his face from Holly; whispers to Toby] I'll kill you." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I guess everything's okay." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "I made it this far, right? What's the point?" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Toby, why don't you open your present?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, no no no, no, no. No, this-hey, hey, hey, hey, this might not be what I think... that I don't even know is in there, because there are a lot of presents in my car, and I don't know which is which..." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "[unwraps present; present is a rock with a Post-It note rubber-banded to it; reads] \"Suck on this.\"" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What the hell is that?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's... What do you mean, \"Michael\"? That's not even my handwriting. [exits conference room] Hey! What the hell is going on here?! Who thought it would be hysterical to give Toby a rock for his going-away gift?!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You did." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You made me wrap it. I thought it was over the line. I just- [Michael slams conference room door in his face]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, you know what that is? You know what that is? That is... a psyche. Psyche. So, that is not my real gift to Toby." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "So what is your gift?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "My gift is forthcoming, Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What is it?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am going to give Toby..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Your watch?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "...Yes, I am. That was it. How did you know that?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I just knew." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "How did you know?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Oh that is so sweet." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well... That's my watch." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Thanks, I'm gonna set it to Costa Rica time." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, that's good." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "[from outside the conference room] Hey, it's the kid! Look, look, look, look, look! [Michael, Toby, Holly, and Pam exit the conference room] Hey! It's the temp! Look! [everyone is crowded around Jim's computer]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh my gosh." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "It's the temp! [all are watching a YouTube video of Ryan being escorted out of Dunder Mifflin corporate offices by policemen]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Is that the police?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Mm-hmm." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Well this is what happened: uh, Ryan's big project was the website... which wasn't doing so well. So Ryan, to give the impression of sales, recorded them twice: once as office sales, once as website sales. Which is what we refer to in the business as \"misleading the shareholders.\" Another good term is \"fraud.\" The real crime, I think, was the beard." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[still watching video of Ryan] Oh my God. Ryan... Oh my God." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I cannot wait to visit Ryan in prison. I'm gonna wear my hottest track suit, and get my hair done, and then be like, \"Hi Ryan.\" And then all the other prisoners are gonna be like, \"Damn! Ryan, you got a hot ex-girlfriend. Ooh, I would never have treated her so bad when I was outside of prison.\"" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Would you do me a favor and connect me to Ryan?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Absolutely. [dials and hands Jim receiver]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[clears throat] Right to voicemail. [into phone] Hey, Ryan, it's Jim. You know what? Totally disregard that last voicemail, because you obviously have your hands tied. Good luck! [hangs up]" } ], [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "What's protocol on this?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I normally do nothing, I guess. No, you shouldn't- [Holly knocks on Michael's door]" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Michael, are you okay?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[voice straining] I'm just worried about my friend." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Oh, of course you are." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just, I'm fine. I'm holding it together. I-I have a business to run." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "No, hey." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm cool." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Stop. You can let yourself be upset. He's your friend. You know what I usually find?..." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Holly is sweet and simple, like a lady baker. I would not be surprised to find out that she had worked in a bakery before coming here. She has that kind of warmth. I'm pretty sure she's baked on a professional level." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[everyone exits the building to find a carnival-themed party in the parking lot] Woah! Cool! A bouncy house!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Kevin, take your shoes off first!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No antigravity machine, huh?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Sorry, Michael, I don't think they're real." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ferris wheel's pretty cool though." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Wow. Look at our parking lot." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, who'd have thought? [Pam sees fireworks being set up; smiles]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Is Jim gonna propose tonight? He is, isn't he? No, he's not... Is he?" } ], [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "Oh, it was a pretty good company, but I just couldn't see a future there. They kept hiring from the outside. It was easy to get in but impossible to rise up." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's what she... a lot of places are like that." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "I think it's really cool you hired Kevin." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thanks." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You have it?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Almost. [she unlocks Holly's car]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, here we go. Here we go. [Mose carries a raccoon in a cage] Put it in. [he puts the raccoon in the car]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I like, uh..." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "That-That's my car." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey. What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[Mose drops cage and runs] Mose!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What the hell is going on here?!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "N-nothing you need to know the details of." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "There is a raccoon in the car, Dwight!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "N-no there's not." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why did you do that?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It was playful hazing." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. There is no such thing as playful hazing. Dwight, I want you to look at Holly right now. Everybody, I want you to look at Holly right now, and maybe if you look at her deeply enough, you will see what I see in her. And that is that we are all very lucky to have her here. Holly is the best thing that has happened to this company since World War II. Fifty years, she is the best. [to Dwight] Take care of that, all right?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's not rabid." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Shh..." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Thanks for bringing that up." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Get it out. Come on, get it out. Get it out." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm really sorry." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Michael, thank you so much for saying that. [puts a hand on his arm] I feel so welcome here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah..." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "I just... Um, excuse me." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Did you see that! Did you see it? Did you see what... wow-wee! Uh, well, Jan didn't believe in showing affection, so... sometimes I don't know how to react when a girl touches me. Oh... I like it! [giggles]" } ], [ { "character": "Vance Refrigeration guy", "line": "Hey Mrs. Vance, we're all out!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Hey, Kev, I need you to do me a solid and go buy some more barbeque sauce. [Kevin nods] Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "Cool! You drive your own car?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yup. This is my car. Do you drive your own car?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Yep. Just like you." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Okay, bye." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Bye. Kevin, I'm really proud of you." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[on microphone] Alright! Let's hear it for Darryl and his band. [applause] You know what? Let's also give a shout-out to Phyllis for this awesome party, huh?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[everyone applauds] Yay, Phyllis!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Probably the best one that we have ever had, right? [cheers and applause] But the real reason that we are here, is to say goodbye to a guy who we will probably never ever see again. Now, a lot of you know that I am an accomplished songwriter." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Song parody writer." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I have done things like um, \"Beers in Heaven.\"" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Classic." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Or, \"Total Eclipse of the Fart.\"" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Not my favorite, but..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I like that one." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It's not my favorite..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I like that one." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I love to sing them, but I am not going to be doing that today. I am going to be doing something I wrote specifically for Toby. [to band] Do you know, um, \"Goodbye Stranger\"? Supertramp?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yeah. [music starts]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[sings] It was early morning yesterday... I was up before the dawn... and I really have enjoyed my stay... Toby must be movin' on." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm gonna to miss Toby. He has a nice, calming presence in the office." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[singing] Goodbye Toby, it's been nice. Hope you find your paradise..." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Don't tell him I said this, but I always thought he was kinda cute." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[singing, screaming into the mic] Come tomorrow, feel no pain! Feel no pain! Toby! Toby! Tobee-yy! Toby's goin' away! See ya! He's outta here! See ya! He's outta here! Ohh! Goodbye Toby! Goodbye Toby! Goodbye Toby! Goodbye Tooo-by!" } ], [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "Not bad." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, hey. Thanks." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Someday I would love to hear \"Beers in Heaven.\"" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, okay. Yeah. Well, actu-too soon. It's uh, it's uh, very sexual. [cell phone rings] Sorry. Kevin. [answers] Kevin, where are you? You missed my song, buddy." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah, Michael, I'm at Gerrity's. You have to come down here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just pay for it and we'll reimburse you when you get back." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "No, I-I brought my money. Michael, there's something that you need to see." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What is it?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Just hurry. [hangs up]" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Is he okay?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah. He's at the supermarket and he needs me." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Yeah well, the party, driving to the supermarket... it's a big day for him." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, that's true. Don't move a muscle. I will be back momentarily, all right? [Holly freezes; Michael laughs] No, you can drink-you can finish your drink and then I'll-okay, I'll be back." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "Well it was good to see you." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "It was great to see you, Jan." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Yeah, so..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "O-kay. Hello Jan." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Hello... Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wow, Kevin, really? We're- [to Jan] Sorry. We're in the middle of a party. [to Kevin] Is this why you called me down here?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah, Michael, I just uh..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I..." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I think you kids have a lot to catch up on." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, okay." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thanks, Kevin. Um... [Kevin walks away, revealing Jan's pregnant belly]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wow. I can't believe it! Look at you! [Jan laughs] Are you nauseous?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do you-do you have cravings? You never touched my Propecea, or my Accutane, did you?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Uh, no." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good. Good. Thank God." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I didn't..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Cause that's..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "... touch that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wow, I am so happy. I am so deliriously happy..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Why?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Because you're pregnant, and because it obviously happened when we were together. And, I am very..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Yeah, it did..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "... proud." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "... happen when..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "... we were together. That's true. And-but, you... are not... uh, you're not the dad." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You cheated on me... when I specifically asked you not to?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "...Not to. No, I did not. I did not cheat on you. I did not." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, okay..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So it's mine, and it's not somebody else's, so... I know... the whole toilet seat thing is a myth, so..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I went to a sperm bank." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You did?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Yuh-huh." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "When we were going out?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Uh, yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "W-I don't understand. You always used to be very cautious... I'd wear two condoms." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I know." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You'd rather have somebody else's sperm than my sperm?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "No, no no... it's not just any sperm bank. I mean, it's really... this is a really, really great place. It's amazing, actually. I'm gonna bring you the catalogue. You should look through it. It's... and it's-in fact, it's right next to that little breakfast place that you like in the city where you can draw on the tables." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "IHop." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "IHop." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "If I was 22, and I had lots of time to have lots of children, then sure, let's let Michael have a shot at one of 'em. But, honestly, I need to make this one count." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "Oh, that's really good. I feel so much better. I just needed to get all that out onto the table." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm glad you told me." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Look, I don't know what you're gonna be doing tomorrow, but I have my Lamaze class in Allentown, and um... you could come. I usually, you know, use a foam noodle instead of a partner..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um, I'll... I have to think about it." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "My whole life, I have known two things: I love sex, and I want to have kids. And I always thought that those two things would go hand in hand, but now, I think it might be one or the other." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh look, they're starting. [all watch fireworks display; scattered applause and cheers; Darryl's band plays soft music]" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "[to Phyllis] Well, I hope you had fun today, because you're never ever throwing a party again." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[gets engagement ring from his pocket] Hey..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[on microphone] Can I have your attention please? [music stops] I was waiting for the right time to do this, and I can't think of a better time than right now, with the music playing, and all our friends around, and fireworks going off... My parents are here! Andrew and Ellen Bernard. Thank you for sharing in this joyous moment. Miss Angela Martin, will you please join me onstage? [Angela shakes her head 'no'] Okay, then I will come to you, my flower. [knocks over Darryl's keyboard]" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Unh! Damn it!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Angela, will you do me the honor... of giving me your tiny hand in marriage? [shows her a ring]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "...Okay." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Into the mic, sweetie." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I said, okay." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "She said yes! [light applause] And the crowd goes wild! Woo! [music starts playing; Jim puts his ring back in his pocket and exhales sharply]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I've been carrying that ring around in my wallet for six years. Because you don't know when you're gonna meet the right girl and the moment's gonna be right. And tonight, with the fireworks, and the music, and everything... it was right." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Can I be your bridesmaid?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well... it's my own fault." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Tuna! [hugs Jim; makes small explosion sound] I'm engaged!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I know. That's awesome, man. That's great." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Mr. Andrew Bernard... it's got a nice ring to it." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Hey. Hey, you know, I just realized uh, I don't have a picture of the two of us." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, yeah, um..." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Yeah, could we..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Sure. Meredith, do you mind?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "[hands Meredith his camera] This one right here." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Okay. One two three- [takes picture] Oh let's do it again. Pam your smile is weird." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "It's digital, so just take as many as you want." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "One, two three- [takes picture] One, two, three- [takes picture]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't know, I just, I really thought Jim was gonna propose tonight..." } ], [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "Hey there." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "So you missed something really big." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Yeah, Andy proposed to one of your accountants." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, wow." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "I'm not so specific as I can be on my first day, but..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, I can see Andy proposing to Angela. I can also see him proposing to Oscar. [they chuckle] Oh..." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "So... You know, somehow after all those ribs, I'm still really hungry. I don't know, I was thinking of maybe going off-campus somewhere, getting some dessert, or..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, um, well, you know what? You should go to the Glider Diner. Ask Stanley about that. Practically lives there." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I'll go to the diner with you." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Oh that would be great." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah, we can go eat pie." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "I love pie." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Me too." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Have a good night." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Okay. Good night." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Bye." } ], [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "Yeah, it was a good day. I mean, first days are always the hardest, right? Well, I should go. [Kevin is waiting in the car] I gotta buckle him in." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well this is it. I am here to see you off." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Thanks... [Hank is standing next to Michael] Really, Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sorry. Corporate policy." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "It's not." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You might take something." }, { "character": "Hank", "line": "I don't think he's gonna take anything." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, security guard." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "[watch that Michael gave him beeps] Oh, some kind of... alarm." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[on phone, leaving a message] Hi, Jan, it's Michael. I just um, I just want to let you know that I am going to go to your Lamaze class tomorrow. Um, and if there's any details you need to fill me in on, like... what exactly Lamaze is, that would be great. And I... will see you tomorrow morning. [hangs up] I am going to be... kind of a daddy." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Party planning's a real high. Like a runner's high. [gets out of elevator; hears moans and heavy breathing coming from office; opens door and sees Dwight and Angela making out]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[sees Phyllis; gasps] Oh my God!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What? [turns and sees Phyllis; Phyllis gasps and drops the box in her hands]" } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "This is Jim Halpert..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "And Pam Beesly." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Oh, Pam! Toby says such nice things about you." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[to Toby] Thank you!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "He didn't mention me, did he?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Oh, no, he said you were a really good salesman." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thanks, Toby." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "You're welcome." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I've always gotten along well with Toby. Uh, we're friends. But I don't think we'll stay in touch necessarily. I think I'll probably get updates on him from Pam." } ], [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "Oh, I think that makes us neighbors." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "It's a couple streets over." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Oh, maybe you can show me some of the fun hangouts, and where to get my nails done." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Sure! That sounds fun!" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Great." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I hate that bitch. I wanna cut her face. [Dwight walks by and hears]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Stop! Don't look at me. On the counter you will find bread, peanut butter, and jelly. Pretend to make yourself a sandwich." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Pretend? Or really make one?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Really make one." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Make your own [bleep]in' sandwich." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Will you please? Make a sandwich. Now, according to my sources, you have an issue with the new H.R. woman. Well, so do I. And so does our secret benefactor. That's too much peanut butter. What I propose is a good old-fashioned hazing, and I need your help. If you choose to accept this mission...Wipe the knife off before you stick it in the jelly. Have you ever made a sandwich before? Dammit, Meredith!" } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "[on phone] Well, who can do a party of this size? But you're in the business, you must surely know of some other businesses. Okay, well, I JUST WANT A DAMN DANCE FLOOR! Sorry. So sorry, I shouldn't have sworn, I'm so sorry. Um, thanks for your time. [knock on door] What? Sorry, I shouldn't have said 'what' like that, it was really rude." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Scared me. How's the party planning going?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Jim, I am so f[bleep]ed." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "So it's going great, sounds like." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I don't know, I'm not used to the stress." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "When I was growing up, my mom said, \"the sky's the limit.\" I could do anything. Be a teacher's aide, nurse's assistant, some kind of volunteer. But now, I, I'm not so sure." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "This is a picture I've been carrying around in my wallet for about six years. It's this unspoiled beach in Costa Rica, Playa Grande. Um, I take it out when I get stressed or depressed, and it really calms me down. Never thought I'd get to live here, you know. But it turns out they built these great new condos there, so, this could be me, right around, uh, where the trees used to be." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Did you just buy that?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Yeah, I guess it will be my, uh, thing in Costa Rica, be a nature photographer." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's cool." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Yeah. Um, you mind if I get a picture?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Sure!" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Think you could...[wants to hand the camera to Jim, but Jim is starting to snuggle up with Pam, posing. Toby aims the camera, the flash pops up] Okay. [takes picture] Okay." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Good one? [Toby puts on the lens cover and scurries away awkwardly] That's a cool camera." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, this is the second time in two days that the website isn't working. Do you guys know anything about it?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The website is hiding, forming alliances with other sites, preparing an attack for which we will have no defense." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Do you honestly believe that?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes, I do." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm gonna get a second opinion." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It was down for a couple hours yesterday, then back up, and now I've heard from a very reliable source that it is once again out of commission. And that reliable source is you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, you could just say you don't know what's going on." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Um, I do, 'cause I just told you." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Is Ryan gonna fire me? I don't know. I know that I've done everything I can, and I just brought in a huge sale, and... am I insane, or was this kid a temp two years ago? Because in the three years that he's been here, I think all he's ever done is start a fire and grow a beard. And it's not even a good beard." } ], [ { "character": "Troy", "line": "Troy Undercook, for Michael." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ahh! I'm sorry, I didn't, I didn't see you come in." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Troy! What are you doing here?" }, { "character": "Troy", "line": "Just filling in for Ryan, as a favor." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Where is Ryan?" }, { "character": "Troy", "line": "He had an urgent matter in New York." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Welcome to our land." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Dwight. [to Troy] Michael will be out in a second." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Can I get you a tankard of mead?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, Troy, can you do me a huge favor? Next time you see Ryan, can you tell him to check his messages? That'd be great." }, { "character": "Troy", "line": "If I see him, I'll tell him." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Why wouldn't you see him? You work for him." }, { "character": "Troy", "line": "I report to Wallace now." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, what's going on?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Looks serious." }, { "character": "Someone", "line": "What's a..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, my God." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Troy, do you know anything about this?" }, { "character": "Troy", "line": "Maybe I do." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Maybe I do. Enough of your magical riddles!" } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "And if the food stations are here and here... no! Here and here. Drinks here, then people can mingle. But then where would the band go?" }, { "character": "Bob Vance", "line": "Mmm. Well, what about there?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Mmm, no Bob, I don't know." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "It's times like these, I wish my mother were with me right now. She'd show me what to do. That's stupid; she's not here. [looks at watch] She's at water aerobics for the next forty-five minutes." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Why don't we eat more corn dogs? They're delicious." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Totally, they're the best." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Corn dogs should be the standard. Corn dogs should be called hot dogs, and hot dogs should be called bad dogs." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Why don't we make corn burgers?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[chuckling] What a messed up world." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Seriously, do you like my idea? Corn burgers." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "I need you to make an announcement that this party is a disaster." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "But I don't think it's a disaster. I think it's fun, and I like the food." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Deep fried Twinkies? It's gross!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Is that what that is?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You know what, I didn't try those. [reaches for one] I could try this. Augh! Fried Twinkies, you kidding me? Starting to wonder about the food in this place [takes a bite]. Oh, God! That is so good." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "When I had my colitis, Toby was very helpful. He gave me seven weeks off. When I had my acid reflux, Toby was not as helpful. So I'm mixed on Toby." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Toby Flenderson, come on up here." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Uh, no, that's okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Come on, no, no, no." }, { "character": "Co-workers", "line": "Toby! Come on, Toby!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Toby!" }, { "character": "Co-workers", "line": "Toby! Toby! Toby!" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Okay, okay, I'm going." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Toby has written a fantastic speech for you, he spent a year on it. It's very funny and charming and heartwarming. And it rhymes, and if it's not any good, he has instructed us all to storm the stage and beat him to a bloody pulp. [laughs] No! So, take it away, Toby! Whoo!" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Well, uh, okay. Um. It's really great to be here tonight, with the Ferris wheel, the band, and the low sunlight. I'm gonna miss you all when I go to Costa Rica, and if I keep drinking beer like this, I'm gonna have to take a leak-a. [laughter from audience, Michael looks at camera unhappily] Look, on a more personal note, I just want to say thanks, you know, no matter what was going on in my life, you know, my divorce, or the custody battle, or that thing with my sister, it was just nice knowing I had a, a supportive place to come to where..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ach, [to Darryl quietly] okay, okay, play the cutoff music." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I'm gonna really miss going to beers with you guys every Tuesday night [Pam holds up soda in salute, Meredith yells 'yeah!', Michael looks at camera] and lastly, I'd love to urge you to keep up with my fight to have the building checked for radon gas. You know, it's a, it's a real serious matter, and every time I try to have the, uh..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Blah, blah, blah, blah..." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "...building looked into..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "...blah, blah, overstaying your welcome! Let's keep it moving! Let's keep it moving! Toby, everybody!" } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "I gave Toby my buddy Jorge's number in Costa. He'll hook Toby up with everything: cable TV, women, oh, and this amazing coffee to snort." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right, everybody. This is your last meal, so eat up. [cheering]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "From this point forward, you will not use the bathroom. We need to keep our starting weights high so we can lose more." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "This summer, corporate is sponsoring a little weight loss contest between the branches. Whichever branch loses the most weight gets three extra vacation days." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "What should we do with all these leftovers?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I'm taking the dumplings for my wife." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, no, no. This is your last meal. There will be no leftovers." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "I can bring these to my shelter." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I'm taking my dumplings." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[sprays food with bug poison] There. Take those home to your wife." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight, Dwight!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael, it's time." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hit the scales, everybody. Right on that black platform. This way. Step it up." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Don't go breaking my scale." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'm excited to lose weight for the wedding, because I really want to have washboard abs the first time Angela sees me naked." } ], [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "Ex-squeeze me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I will ex-squeeze you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK everybody. Get used to this because we are going to be standing here briefly every Monday for the next seven Mondays." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wait a minute. One more bite of eclair each. Hold it in your mouth if you can't swallow." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[smiles, looks to Michael] Really, nothing?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "2,336 pounds. Y'all need to learn some portion control." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wait a minute. Pam is on the scale." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, Pamcake. No, no, no. We would love your extra poundage, but you are going to be leaving us next week, so vamoose. Vamoose, Pam. Dunder Mifflin family only." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Family only." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "All right, got it. 2,210 pounds." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Pam, you weigh 226 pounds?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Almost, Kevin." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Not almost, though, Holly. I mean, not -- not close to 200..." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Math is hard." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Just, we'll just keep going." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'm totally gonna slaughter at the weigh-in today." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "All I had this weekend to eat was a chicken breast and a case of Diet Coke." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Really? 'Cause I haven't eaten anything since noon on Friday." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "OK. [holds elevator] Stanley, come on." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Oh, I forgot something in my car. I'll see you guys up there. [takes the stairs after the elevator doors close]" } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I happen to be losing weight on my own for my own reasons. The truth is, I have lost a little of my speed, a little of my fire. Here's what I used to look like. [holds up old photo] Look at those biceps. We were fighting the power and eating whatever we wanted." } ], [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "And arch your back. And slowly bring up your head. [Michael and Holly face each other in yoga pose]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jimbo." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ah, they moved the shower." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Did you see Holly's butt?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, I didn't. [Michael laughs] You know why?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Because most of the time, friends don't talk about other friends' butts." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "But what have you learned about her?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I learned that she broke her left leg twice in one year. I learned that she's allergic to sesame seeds. I learned that she has read \"Lonesome Dove\" three times." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nice." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And that her butt refuses to quit!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, I tried. [Michael laughs]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[follows Jim into bathroom] You have to agree with me. [follows Jim back out] That's insane." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'll just go later." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I thought you had to pee." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[forces candy out of vending machine and forces fruit into racks]" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Hey, if you're into yoga, I take a great bikram class in Dickson City." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Oh, thanks. I should check that out." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Also -- and no pressure -- the teacher? He's a catch." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Actually, I'm a lesbian." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I'm gay!" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "I'm not a lesbian. I don't know why I said that... It's a joke." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What's the joke?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "There is no joke. I just said it because I haven't had much luck lately and I'm not really looking to date. Maybe I should switch to women." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Oh, you think it's a choice?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Um, I'm gonna head back to my work area and just--" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I'm messing with you, Holly." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "I knew that. OK, bye." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "OK." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "So you have the directions." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You have a toothbrush." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You have a cell phone charger." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I have everything." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Tomorrow I start a three-month design program at the Pratt Institute in New York. I will be a little fish in the big apple. [does hand gesture] What up, 212?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Fax this for me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Come on, man. She goes to New York in like 10 minutes." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's not gonna take her 10 minutes to fax it, Jim. [to Pam] If I don't see you again, goodbye. Well, actually, I'll see you when you give me the fax confirmation, so never mind." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ang. Ela. [sings] Ella, ella, ella. Under my Angerela. Ella, ella, ella. Ay, ay--" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey, check it out. [hands her brochure] This is The Breakers, Newport, Rhode Island. Huge, awesome gorgeous mansion overlooking the Atlantic. And my dad went to Cornell with the current groundskeeper." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Every little boy fantasizes about his fairy-tale wedding." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "No. No." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "This is where my parents decided not to get divorced." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I don't care." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "OK. How do you feel about Maine? [Angela picks up phone and dials] I'm on it. I'll see you later, love. [Dwight's pager vibrates, he and Angela walk out]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[exiting warehouse storage room] Ahh. We done good in there, half pint." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Well, that was the last time, Dwight. I mean it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Monkey. [kisses her]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No, no. I have a fiance I very much like!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[sees Pam and Jim through office window, runs out the office] Hey, hey! [falls down stairs, gets up, falls down again] Pam, Pam! Hey!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What happened?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[frazzled and out of breath] I wrote you a goodbye poem. It's really long. I left it up in my office. Could you just please wait till I go get it?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I should really get going." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. OK. Um, the last word is \"seagulls.\"" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm sure it was really lovely." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I took a lot from other poems." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Call me when you get in. [kisses Pam]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "OK, bye." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Bye." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right, call-- [leans in to kiss Pam]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, Michael." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Why haven't I proposed yet? Uh, actually Pam and I talked about it. And we just decided that, um -- well, we didn't want to spend first three months of our engagement apart. And Pam's always said she doesn't want a long engagement. Something in her past, I guess. I'm not really sure of the whole story, but something about a guy who used to work here..." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK, no, no, no, no, no, no. Same places as last week." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "It doesn't matter, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, it does. No, this is about weight displacement. We have to have the same weight distribution. Right here. Here we go. Let's move that up. Here we go." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Oh, fancy meeting you here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "OK, everybody smile. Ho! You lost 31 pounds." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I can't believe I'm saying this, but Michael is actually killing it with Holly. And I think I know why. It's because Holly is kind of a major dork." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[rapping] I'm MC Mike Scott, and I am hot. She's DJ Jazzy Flax, and she is the best. All those sucker branches can suck our fat!" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Wikka wikka wikka what?" } ], [ { "character": "Ronnie", "line": "Dunder Mifflin, this is Ronnie." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I don't really know Ronnie. But I have a feeling I will get to know her very well over the next few years, and eventually declare my love for her." } ], [ { "character": "Professor", "line": "Sorry I'm late. I accidentally switched my alarm clock setting to Zapf Chancery. [laughter] Which is my terrible segue into our course, Expressive Typography in New Media." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm in the wrong class..." }, { "character": "Professor", "line": "Some of you may remember from last semester I am Professor Monaghan. [sees Pam leaving] And looks like I'm boring someone already." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, no. I just--" }, { "character": "Professor", "line": "Please sit down." } ], [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "You're shaking. Are you all right?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Just leave me alone!" } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[sickly] I am on the third day of my cleanse diet. All I have to do is drink maple syrup, lemon juice, cayenne pepper and water for all three meals. Um, I just bought some bikinis online, size 2. So ... gonna look amazing." } ], [ { "character": "Ronnie", "line": "Hi, can I help you?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I need you to make me 100 copies of this on canary yellow." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hi Jan." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "How's the candle game?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Oh, great. Yeah, Serenity by Jan is kicking ass and taking names. You remember last week when that girl went missing? Guess whose candles they used for the vigil?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Cool. Thank God they found her, too." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Oh, they found her?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hi, Jan. Hello, baby. How are you? Good to see you. Who's your daddy? You don't know who your daddy is, do you? No, you don't. [to Jan] Come on. Let's go in." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "When Michael told us that Jan was pregnant, he led us to believe that he was the father. By telling us that he was the father." } ], [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "Hey, Oscar. Who's that woman in Michael's office with the feet?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "That's his ex." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Oh, she's very beautiful." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Yes, she is. And clinically insane." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "So, listen, I don't know if your offer still stands or whatever, but you can give your yoga teacher my number." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "OK." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Listen, dummy! It's not that hard. All you have to do is take the numbers from the sales report and type them into a master spreadsheet. A G.D. monkey could do it. I do not understand why you can't do it." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "No! You do not talk to him like that!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "But he's an idiot!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hey!" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "He is not an idiot!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Thank you, Holly." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "He is mentally challenged. But he's doing a super job here." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Wait, back up. Do you think that I am retarded?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Well, no. Dwight..." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oh, Holly, that is very offensive." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "I'm sorry." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey. So, since my little lady has such particular, impossible to perceive taste, I have made nonrefundable deposits at four totally different wedding locales: Hot-air balloons over Napa Valley, world-famous Walt Disney's Epcot Center, scuba-diving wedding in the Bahamas and the Wilkes-Barre Marriott Ballroom C." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Dangerous. Tacky. Sharks. Haunted. No." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "[walking into storage room] Hurry, we have to make this fast." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Let's do this thing." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[Dwight slaps her butt] Hey!" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "I have a nice comforter and several cozy pillows. I usually read a chapter of a book, and it's lights out by 8:30. That's how I sleep at night!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right, I am connecting and ... you are not there. Did you install it right? How about this: Go to applications--" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[on computer screen] I can see you!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "This is so cool." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "So what is going on, girl in the computer?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Lunch with a girl from my hall." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh-huh." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ceramics class. Then dinner by myself. I'm gonna watch HGTV and maybe go to Bungalow 8 with John Mayer." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "OK, can you turn the girl off please? I'm trying to get some work done." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No way. No way. Pam Beesley. Hello. [picks up computer] Hey, everybody look, Pam. Pam, say hi. Say hi to Pam. Don't we all look skinny? Oh, oh, almost dropped you!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Can you put me down I'm getting a little nauseous?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam, I'd like you to meet Ronnie. We call her Rice-a-Ronnie. She is hilarious. She is wonderful, a beam of light in this dark, dark office. Not really so much. All she does is plop herself down there and answer phones all day." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "The nerve." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, calm down, weirdo. It's just a joke. She's such a weirdo! You know what? My real beef with her, though, Pam? She can't find those little colored paper clips that I like so much. Will you help her find them, please?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "They're on the supply shelf." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Let's go. We are following Pam to the supply shelf. Let us go." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "New York is so exciting. I love my classes. The city's awesome. Um, can you give me back to Jim now, please?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK, everybody, let's suck in our guts." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "2,184 pounds, for a grand total -- oh! You all gained five pounds back." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Damn it. Come on." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[Kelly faints] Oh!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh, my God!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Come on, Bernard. [Andy spits on floor as warehouse worker walks past]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Here we go. Everybody on." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "All right, we're set." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Still good. You guys lost a pound. You lost one pound." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I was on an IV for two days at the hospital." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I lost four pounds. I don't know what those other fools were doing, but I lost four pounds." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Angela, you'll go to the supermarket and get the New York cheesecake. Make sure it's the generic one. It's Stanley's favorite." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yes, I've replaced Angela as head of the party planning committee. [footage of Dwight and Angela making out] I guess I was just in the right place at the right time." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "How's it going?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "It's going well." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "I have a crazy idea. What if we did, um, fruit instead of cake?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Cake? Who suggested cake? [Angela points to Phyllis]" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "We lost weight today. I think it's OK to reward ourselves once in a while." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Are you kidding me? We only lost one pound, Phyllis." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "What is wrong with these people? They have no willpower. I went -- I once went 28 years without having sex. And then again for seven years." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Does anyone have any idea what the number one cause of death is in this country?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Shotgun weddings." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's not what that is." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Fright. Being scared to death." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Obesity-caused illnesses." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Obesity-caused illnesses." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you. Holly is right. People, this is not just about winning some extra vacation days. This is about a very cool HR initiative that if we don't follow, we are all going to die of obesity. So how much are we gonna lose?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I would like to lose 65 pounds." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, all right. Who else? [to Angela] Can I put you down for 10 pounds?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No. My doctor wants me to gain weight." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "If you gain weight, you will die. I want you to live forever. I want us all to live forever. How? How are we going to do this?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Cryogenics. Beer me five." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "This is how we're gonna do it. Five pounds. I'm asking each of you to lose five pounds. That plus Jim's 65 will give us a very good chance at winning this thing." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right, I'm taking off." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Booty call." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nope, just going to see Pam." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Here." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Maybe put up some shelves." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wait a second. [removes condom from wallet, throws it to Jim] I don't want you to end up with a surprise pregnancy like me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "OK, thank you for ... this." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You want more?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I don't know if there's any one place that has all these things." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "It's not my problem. [dials phone]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Thousand-year-old church in the continental United States. There has to be a rainbow. 24-hour veterinarian on call." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "That is very important to me, so -- I have work to do. Just do it. [walks away]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Sweetheart. [Angela turns around] Just so you know, I don't care where we get married. I'll marry you right here in this building. I'll marry you in the parking lot. I'll marry you in the eye of a hurricane in the middle of a snowstorm on top of a monsoon. All I care about is that we're gonna spend the rest of our lives together." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[Angela kisses him] Hey-oh!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I know I haven't made this easy on you. [Dwight comes out of storage room alone, looks at watch.]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[knocks on door] Hi." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hi. [they kiss] Mmm. 'Cause-- [looks toward camera]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, that's so rude of me. Have you seen, um, Pam's new art? It's right there. Check it out. [closes door]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[music playing] It's a pretty lame party." }, { "character": "Ronnie", "line": "Does anyone want to dance?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[watching baseball game on TV] Some girl came into Pam's room crying about her roommate stealing her soy milk. So I'm in here waiting it out." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Stanley, Michael's not here. You can eat a slice of your birthday cake." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I don't like cake anymore" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Why not, dawg?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Tastes changed. Now all I like is baklava." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael, we have a situation." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "They should not be in that room." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "That's so lame they didn't invite us." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what we should do? We should have a party and not invite them." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Let's go mini-golfing." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Hey, could I have a rain check on the mini-golf. I, uh, actually have a date tonight." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh..." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "It'll probably be a total disaster, but..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um, I think you'll have fun. Men from Scranton are handsome, and they know how to show a woman a good time." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Not that guy who murdered his mother. He was not so handsome. Also Kevin." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what? We're pretty much done here today. Why don't you just take off early?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Oh, that's sweet. Wish me luck." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good luck." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, Holly doesn't need luck. Everyone that meets her instantly loves her." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Party's over. You are so busted!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK, everybody. Phyllis, did I or did I not say fruit?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "You said fruit, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And what is that?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Cake." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know, we're gonna have to try a little harder if we are going to win this thing." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Happy Birthday, Stanley! [kicks cake onto Michael]" } ], [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "It's kind of a good news, bad news situation. The bad news is we're not doing very well, so we really had to starve ourselves this whole week. But the good news is that all the other branches are doing just as bad as we are, so corporate upped the prize to five days. So if we stay fat long enough, we may actually get a whole month off." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[spreading peanut butter on a bagel] What?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Oh nothing." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "It's just some of us are taking this really seriously." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I swallowed a tapeworm last night. It's going to grow up to three feet inside of me and then it eats all my food so that I don't get fat. And then after three months I take some medicine and then I pass it. Creed sold it to me. It's from Mexico." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "That wasn't a tapeworm." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[walks in the office] How's my favorite branch doing? [no one talks, everyone stares at Ryan] All right [sits at reception]." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ronnie was bleh. Things were at an all time sad here. But then I got an e-mail from Ryan, that he was coming back to town. And I called the temp agency and I told them I will pay you any amount, just give me Ryan Howard. Give him to me. I want him. I need him." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "And you got a goatee!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I did!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Did you get that after you helped me move and you saw mine?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes. Gooooo-tee!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Firrrrre-duh guy! [high fives Ryan]" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Hey Kevin... [Kevin gives Ryan a noogie] That's really funny." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "It's great to see you Kev." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "You too." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I'm keeping a list... of everyone who wrongs me. So when I'm back on top, they'll be sorry. Kevin just made the list." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Jim. I wanted to apologize... for how I treated you last year. I lost sight of myself and now that I've quit the rat race I've realized there's so much more to life than being the youngest VP in the company's history. I've even started volunteering. Giving back to the community." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well that's great. [shakes Ryan's hand] You're talking about your court ordered community service?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I don't need a judge to tell me to keep my community clean." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "But he did, right?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[glares into the camera and writes Jim's name on his list]" } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Well you lost zero pounds. [everyone grumbles] No change. On the bright side you gained zero pounds." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, you know what? I can't do this by myself people! Kelly and I are the only ones who have either passed out or almost passed out. [flails his arms]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Damnit, I need these five days for my honeymoon! Who is slacking?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Ok, let's just all try and work harder, ok?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "NO! I want names!" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my entire life. I haven't had a very hard life." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "So how was your date?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Eight point five. I got a red wine stain on my favorite shirt. But he's cute, right?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[groans painfully]" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "What's wrong?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[struggling to speak] Mmm--- mmm... Um..." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Close the door. This is your fault." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nope." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Your stupid friend zone." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mmm." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I should have been lovers with her first and then friends. That was terrible advice. Terrible advice! You know my seduction method. I like to get in there and get my hands dirty! Wh--- You sabotaged me. You sabotaged me, man!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Attention! Attention! We only have a few weeks left. [looking at Phyllis] And most of you are just as fat as the day we began." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "How much weight have you lost, Dwight?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I am hardly the problem, Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, you're definitely the problem." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "This is what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna randomly select three names and these three people will get liposuction. Uhhhhh Stanley, Phyllis, Kevin. And you will be responsible for your own medical bills." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Kelly." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh, hello Ryan. You look well." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I wanted to say I'm sorry... for treating you bad the past couple years. I was in my mid twenties and I was goin' through a lot of stuff. I think I never fully processed 9/11. Um, I want you to know I've changed." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Cool." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "We should get a drink later. Catch up. Pick me up around eight?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh that is so sweet. Um, but I'm dating Darryl, still, and we're like crazy in love so..." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "That--- I, um... cool. Well maybe I'll see you around." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "It's a small office." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hello Phyllis. Do you have a minute? Listen. I'm really sorry... about what I said before. Ok? I was way out of line." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yes you were." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "But you know what, I want to make it up to you. There is a sure fire sale, but it's a two man job. Interested?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Split the commission?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[sighs] Sixty - forty. Hm? [they shake hands] I'll drive." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[exhales, camera shows Kelly and Darryl making out on the reception couch, Kelly looking at Ryan]" } ], [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "Dieting's only half of it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mmm-hmm. Saunas." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "And exercise. Although I know everybody loves going to the gym." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Gah, the dreadmill. [both laugh]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Probably the weirdest thing about Pam being gone would be lunch... actually. But um, it will force me to become acquaintances with people I consider... coworkers." } ], [ { "character": "Friend", "line": "Oh, my God. Ok. Everybody just act normal. Don't say anything." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Friend", "line": "My ex-girlfriend. She's right behind you. Just... hide me." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Really, where?" }, { "character": "Friend", "line": "No no! Don't look! [Pam sees an old lady behind him]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Wow, was it the age difference?" }, { "character": "Friend", "line": "Uh, actually, kind of. Yes. I just didn't like eating dinner that early. [they laugh, Pam's phone rings, she answers]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey! Jim! Um, listen, can I call you back in a little bit? I made friends!" } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "[storms in the office, sweaty and out of breath] Are you insane?!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey, hey!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Oh my God, what happened?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "There was no client. Dwight drove me to an abandoned warehouse five miles away and pushed me out of the car. I had to walk home with no money and no phone." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And you burned over a thousand calories walking home. And this branch just got a little bit closer to winning the contest. Phyllis Vance, ladies and gentlemen! [claps]" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "You left me in a bad part of town!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, I took your purse. What are you worried about? [Phyllis storms to her desk, picks up phone and dials] You look great. I can definitely see the difference." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "[into phone] Phyllis Vance for David Wallace." } ], [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "\"...or that Dunder Mifflin does not discriminate. Nor does it condone unhealthy dieting habits or extreme weight loss strategies. As was clearly stated in the official starting---\"" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[in a fat suit, speaking in his Michael Clump voice] Ohhhh! Bang! Boom! Say Clump! Why hello everybody!" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Fair question." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I say, I say, I say, I say down Holly! I'll take it from here. I am beautiful. [hangs pictures of fat people on the wall, including two fat people on a bike, the Ghostbusters Marshmallow Man, Elvis, Martin Lawrence in Big Mamma's House, Jabba the Hutt, and a fat pig] They are beautiful. He is beautiful. This big fat pig is beautiful." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's my sumo suit. I just didn't inflate it all the way. I am so glad that I bought instead of rented." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Body image. We are here because there is something wrong with society." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "See, you're always saying there's something wrong with society, but... maybe there's something wrong with you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "If it's me, then society made me that way. Now, I know a lot of you are probably asking yourself, \"Why are you dressed in a plus sized suit?\"" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Because you're kind of doing Michael Clump." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "How do you know Michael Clump?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Because it's your making-fun-of-fat-people character." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "How dare you! Michael Clump is a celebration of fat people." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I think of him as more like... a monster? What about, \"I say, I say, I say, I'll sit on you!\"" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, no, no, it goes, it goes... look, \"I say, I say, I say, I'll sit on you!\"" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, no, NO, no! You know what? Fat people are not monsters! Why don't you guys have a little more sensitivity to the subject. Bang! Boom! Case in point! Look at the outside of this building. It is ugly. But you come inside... and it is beautiful. Just like this unappealing fat suit. Inside is a rather handsome, sexy, man." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Vamping." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey! Why don't you just sit down, please?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Eh, I've been sitting all day." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We're doing this because of you. So why don't you just go stand somewhere else. [to Ryan] Hey. Hey. You shaved?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I did." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[at a loss for words]" } ], [ { "character": "Professor", "line": "So, in the year 2000, fungus and even black mold was discovered growing in the cave. Some blame it on the new air conditioning system they installed. Some, on the high powered lights. [Pam's friend shows Pam a drawing mocking the professor, they laugh] Others feel that fungus is do to an over---" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[to friend] Nice." }, { "character": "Professor", "line": "Quiet please." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Sorry." }, { "character": "Friend", "line": "Sorry." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight, I would like you to apologize to this beautiful, beautiful woman for forcing her to walk five miles, which for her is basically a death march." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "She should thank me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok Phyllis, thank Dwight first." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Why should I have to thank him?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're right, you're right. Just, Dwight, do it. Just say it ok." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[exhales] I apologize for creating a ruse which forced you to exercise." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Finally. Right? Ok, Phyllis you must be exhausted from standing on those gams. Why don't you have a seat? [Phyllis sits] Let's all clap at Phyllis. [everyone claps] Ok! [in Michael Clump voice] When Michael Clump wants to remind you [normal voice] that corporate... their idea, yes, was to urge you to lose weight, but more importantly what this whole thing is about, this contest is really about being healthy. And in order to be healthy, you have to eat, Kelly. Kelly. [kneels down in front of Kelly, Dwight tries to help him down, Michael shouts gibberish at him] Kelly, I want you to stand up on your chair. Come on, stand up on your chair. Stand up, stand up, stand up. Somebody help her. Here we go. [Kelly stands up on her chair] Ok, I want you to look at her. She's a beautiful Indian woman. Why? What makes her beautiful?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[stands up] Everything. She's perfect." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I like her nails." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok, be more specific." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I like her fingernails." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I like her purple dress." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What about her looks?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Hell of an ass." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "...what else do people like?" } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I wonder what people like about me? ... Probably my jugs." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Kelly, will you just agree to stop this mess and stop trying to kill yourself?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I hate dieting, I hate it so much. I hate this worm inside of me!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I want you to know. Kelly, look at me! I want you to know that you are beautiful. You are truly, truly beautiful. Give me a hug. [Michael hugs Kelly, his head in her chest] Mmmmmm." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Summers going great. Just spent two hours listening to Michael Clump. I have a weird pain in my left side that I'm convinced is an ulcer. My girlfriend lives in New York and I haven't seen her in 10 days. How's your summer?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey Ryan, look. Shaved off my goatee. I am goateeless. We are the goateeless brothers." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Oh..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ahaha, Yep! [Dwight looks down depressingly and rubs his new goatee]" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "How was Friday night?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Oh, I had a good time, but it's been three days and no call. I even have two tickets to see Counting Crows for tonight, so..." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "He'll call." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oscar, enough with the girl talk please." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You guys lost four pounds." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I say we have a parade." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "We better." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Excellent! Good job." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "So as it turns out, tonight is my nephews T-ball game and I kinda missed the first three, so..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You've already disappointed him so much. He can't be expecting a lot from you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I know. I suck." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes, you do." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dwight says \"Hi.\"" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I do not! I do not say \"Hi\" Pam!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Now he is saying \"Hi\" louder." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I... listen, umm, we're still good for this weekend, right?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Umm..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No football games, recitals, karate tournaments." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, can you go to IM?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "OK." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "OK." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[JIM9334 screen name] Let's meet for lunch." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What are you writing about me?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[Receptionitis15 screen name] What -- today?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[JIM9334 screen name] Yeah. C'mon we'll meet halfway. You'll be back for your 4 o'clock class." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm gonna write you both up for not working." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm gonna write you up for not working." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ok, well played. Neither of us'll write the other up for not working." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[Receptionitis15 screen name] Where?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[JIM9334 screen name] The rest stop where that soda exploded on me. Exit 17, I think. 1 o'clock." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[Receptionitis15 screen name] Alright. See you there. : ) P.S. I finally finished my summer project [Dwight emoticon]." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[holds up an ASCII image of Dwight]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, oh, hey. Did he call?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "I just got off... Kendall? I just got off..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No no, did, I heard you talking to Oscar about that guy. What, what happened? Did he call?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Oh, no." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Aach." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "And you know what? I even got two tickets to see the Counting Crows tonight as a surprise. Why do guys not call when they say they are gonna call?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I dunno. I always call everybody back right away. He'll call back though. Give him until the end of the day, he'll call. If he doesn't, he is loco." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Thanks. That's sweet. Anyways, umm, seems like we lost to Utica by only eight pounds." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ugh." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Well, at least everyone lost weight. That's all that really matters." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wait, do we have until the end of the day?" } ], [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "So we're only eight pounds behind Utica. Now, I know it's a stretch but we could weigh ourselves again at the end of the day and maybe win this thing after all." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Leave it to me, boss. I can get this whole office to make weight. [turns up thermostat] It's gonna be a little toasty in here. Good old fashioned sweat lodge." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Andy Bernard does not lose contests. He wins them... or he quits them because they are unfair." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Kelly eating in the break room] Hey, is that healthy food?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Nope." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We're trying to win a contest here, Kelly. Please?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, Michael. I just scheduled lunch with a client so I might be back a little late." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok, that is fine. Just water, and be back by weigh-in, ok?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Perfect." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[sprays the inside of the vending machine with bug spray]" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "I hate to even ask because you have been so accommodating about all the wedding stuff." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Your wish is my command." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Is there any way our first dance can be to my favorite song, The Little Drummer Boy?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Of course!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah! I mean it's a great song. I always thought it was bigger than Christmas anyway. You know?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Mmhmm." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "And you know what? The guys already know it so it's easy breezy." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "The guys?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I didn't tell you." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Mm-mm" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Here Comes Treble, class of '96 was available for our big day, so, I booked 'em." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I don't think that..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "And, they are collectively my best man. And they are crashing with us for three weeks, so... it totally works out." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I don't know if I want your old college a capella group to be our wedding band." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ok, I hear you, sweetheart, but this is a deal breaker. But you know what? You're gonna love these guys. Carl 1, Carl 2, Broccoli Rob, Spare Rib, Doobie, Lunch Box, Boner Champ, that's me, Pubie Lewis and the News, Hopscotch, Jingle Jangle, Sandwich. These are the best best-man a guy could ever hope for." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[Angela dials the phone] Let's talk about this later. [Dwight's pager buzzes]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Mm-wah! [Angela walks away, Dwight follows]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey! This is not half-way! I did the math. I had to drive way longer than you. Montclair would have been closer, so you have to buy lunch." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Jim gets down on one knee]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I just... couldn't wait." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh my God!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Pam, will you marry me?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh my God!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "So?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes! [they embrace and kiss]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "God. Where is Jim?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "I'm calling it. I guess that's curtains for the yoga guy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Aww, really?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I have to say, I think the problem with that whole thing..." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Yeah?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "...was that he was a complete stupid idiot." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Aww man, I really wanted to see them." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know. I love Counting Crows." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Look at where my seats were." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wow, really?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's a shame. A shame to waste these. I want to buy them from you." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Michael, you don't have to buy them." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I do. No. I do. I, I want to. Trust me. I really do." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Ok." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright. Alright! [tears up tickets] Just, I want you to just forget about him, ok? Case closed. Umm, can I pay you tomorrow? I have like a 60 dollar limit on my ATM, so..." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Is that good?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, sorry everybody." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What are you smiling about there smiley pants? You're late." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Wet Tuna!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey Dwight." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What's up, Meredith?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Nothing." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Dripping on me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Darryl, would you do the honors?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Two thousand one hundred seventy-five. [everyone moans] Sorry guys." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nonono, no, no, I don't want to hear moaning. This is a good day. You guys accomplished something big. You lost a ton of weight, literally. A lot of weight. And I don't care what any stupid scale says. You guys are all gigantic losers." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I don't know about anyone else. But it was a good summer for me. I lost seven pounds. And you know what? I'm just gonna take five days off anyway." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "[in a hospital bed, watching Entourage in Spanish] Oh, I went zip lining my third day in Costa Rica. I guess the harness wasn't strapped in exactly right. I broke my neck. And, I've been in the hospital five weeks now. I still haven't seen the beach. It's nice to have visitors." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[to Holly] I'm doing the blood type diet." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Who gives a f[bleep]?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "What'd you say h[bleep]?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Okay, great. I got it." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Look what just arrived from the Nashua branch. [reads from card attached to gift basket] \"Here's something to enjoy on your three non-vacation days. Nashua branch.\" Can I send them a dead deer?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, you know what we're gonna do? We're gonna take that and we are going to us it as a reward for the end of our competition." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Classy." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "My dream vacation? I sleep in, putter around the farm, go fishing for a few hours, take a long run in the forest, check the traps. Then the sun comes up and I head into work, which is empty, because everyone else is out of town on vacation." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[seeing Kevin throw out bunch of M&Ms] Nice job, Kevin. [Kevin fills jar back up with another candy]" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I'm pretty fit. But in the gay community, there's a lot of pressure to be ripped. I got straight abs. I want gay abs." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Can you turn the heat down now - it's oppressive." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, totally. I'm sorry, Oscar. Yeah, I didn't realize it was bothering you." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "It's just..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "'Cause it's kind of bothering all of us, 'cause it's really hot, you know, it's hot, so we can lose weight, so we don't screw up this whole contest for the entire freaking office, but if you want, I'll turn it down." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hello, hello. Hey! Your face is almost back to normal." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "One more kid calls me \"Hellboy,\" I swear to God..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, you wish. Hellboy's a hero." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "These guys took me out on their fishing boat. I don't think I caught anything." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Have you been to the beach yet?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "[on the computer] No, but I'm going zip lining tomorrow, through the, through the rainforest, with this cool couple I, I met at my hotel. Wo-woman's amazing..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, Oscar! Come on, let's go!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Okay, Toby, I gotta go." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Hey, is that Michael? Does he miss me? [laughs] Uh, Oscar? Are you there? Hello? [sighs]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am suspending you without pay for the rest of the year." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, you're not." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, no, I am not. Dwight! [Dwight runs into Michael's office] I want you to take Jim's chair. No! No! His chair at his desk. He gets it back on Friday." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "All right!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I want you to get your ass out of my face." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[sitting on a stack of paper] Yeah, well, if you're only free till three on Sunday and I can't get there till one, then it's gonna be pretty tight." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[from his office] That's what she said." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[as Dwight tries to take paper out from under him] Hey, can you not?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Can you not? No sitting devices, Michael's rules." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, no, no, definitely, definitely. Yes. Next weekend, then. All right! I love you, too." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Gah! [tries to dislodge paper with his feet]" } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Hey, um, my daughter said you traded her a headband for her Nintendo DS?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh yeah, she loves that headband." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "She's six." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "She manipulates you." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Okay, I'm gonna need you to make this right or else we can't be right." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I never know when you're kidding." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "I can't feel... I can't feel anything that you're doing, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "It's like nothing's happening." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're...you know what? I read in one of those books that you're not even supposed to give foot massages because it can induce labor." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Oh, just stop making excuses and just dig in there." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm digging." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "When Michael told us that Jan was pregnant, he led us all to believe that he was the father... by telling us he was the father. But then we got this e-mail from Jan. [waves paper and reads from it] \"Hi, everyone! Jan here, writing to share some wonderful news and to quash a rumor. First, the great news - I am expecting. The beautiful baby inside me will be ready to meet the world this fall just a few months before the launch of the new Serenity by Jan line (shameless plug, I know, don't hate me, LOL). Anyway, I also wanted to clarify that the father is not anyone that you or I have ever met. Remember, no matter how excited someone is about my baby, it does not make them the father. Best, Jan. P.S. Hope to ship you something soon.\"" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I can't wait to be a father. I'm going to smother that baby." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "Uh, new wicks from Craft Corner, uh, this dress [hands Michael bag] returned to Suburban Casuals, and uh, panty liners." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I really, I don't want to get panty liners, please..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Well, I, you said you wanted to help, so I..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know, it's..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Will you be able to milk with those implants?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "You mean breastfeed?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah. [Jan starts to get up] Easy there, old girl. [tries to help her]" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Uh, I'm fine, thank you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Would you just call me when you're done with the errands, Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[as Jan leaves room] Careful. Hmm. She was a keeper." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I want you to get the panty liners." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Done." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[on the phone] Well, I should go." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright. I'll tell everybody here that you say hi." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, don't. I'm mad at them." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Why, what happened?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Not one of them called to congratulate me on our engagement." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ah. That... they might be off the hook for because I... didn't tell them." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What? Why not?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I just didn't, you know, want a deal." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Come on, it won't be that bad." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "OK. You know what? Here we go. [stands up] Uh, everybody? I just want to make an announcement. Pam and I are engaged." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[speakerphone] Hi everyone!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I thought you were already engaged." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nope." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "That was Roy. She was engaged to Roy." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thank you Angela." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I got a gift for Pam and Roy. Do I have to get another one?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "A little close to my engagement there Tuna, what's your game here?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "To get married." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[raises hand] She's not a virgin, you know." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Wow." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[walking in] What's going on?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, nothing. Nothing Michael! Just saying hi. [Michael waves \"hi\" at the phone]" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "The tall guy got engaged." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[to Jim] To be married?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yep. [Michael hugs/tackles Jim]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Sorry." } ], [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "Pencils down! [Dwight quickly puts his pencil down] Just kidding, take your time." } ], [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "Today is ethics day. After they finish their quiz I'm going to run my first ethics meeting here. It's gonna be insaaaaane. No, it's not. I have to read from the binder." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[trying to assist Michael, who is trying to press play on a CD player] I got it, I got it. [Olivia Newton-John's \"Let's Get Physical\" starts to play as Holly and Michael jog into the meeting room, dancing]" }, { "character": "Michael & Holly", "line": "Let's get ethical! Ethical! I wanna get ethical! Let's get into Ethics yeah! Let me hear that Dunder Mifflin talk! Your body talk. Let me hear your body talk." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "WOO! Alright!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "\"Why are you helping her? You're not even dating.\" She's my friend... and... ultimately my strategy is to merge this into a relationship... without her even knowing. Uh..." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok, let's give it for Miss... Holly Flaaaax! [everyone claps]" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Thanks Michael. [Michael groans exhaustingly] Today we're going to have a business ethics seminar because recently, without mentioning any names, there has been some misconduct at corporate and we have a very strict ethics policy and that employee has been fired." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh come on! He's right there. [points at Ryan] He was hired. [to Jim] Oh check it out, \"Hired Guy.\"" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nice. [they bump fists]" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Ok, elephant in the room. Let's talk about it. Do I regret what I did? Of course I do. Even though it was an amazing ride, and I'll give you an example. Anyone see Survivor season six? [Dwight raises his hand] Anyone know Joanna on that show? [Dwight nods] In New York City, I hooked up with a girl who looked exactly like that. Indistinguishable. So..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[clapping] Ok. Well done. Good speech Ryan, you're a good guy." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Let's start discussing those questionnaires that you filled in this morning. It is wrong to make personal calls during work hours. Now, some of you marked that you very strongly agree. But ideally you would have selected totally agree." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I thought very strongly agree sounded stronger than totally agree." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Corporate would like to emphasize that ideally you would all totally agree with that statement." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, I think we can all totally agree that Holly is totally fantastic. [claps]" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Thank you. In fact, spending a half hour at the water cooler during work hours is a form of stealing." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Yes, it's called time theft, and it's the same as taking money from the company. Can anyone think of examples of things that are over the line time wasters?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "This meeting." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey-oh!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[to Holly] Can't set 'em up like that." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Why is ok for smokers to take breaks all the time? If I want to go outside and hang out once an hour, then I'll just take up smoking. I'll do it. I don't care." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I'll smoke with you. I got a bag of cigars in my purse." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Stealing office supplies is another big ethical area that there seems to be some confusion about." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Can we have a moment? [whispering] Can I talk to you for a sec? Lot of good stuff. And you look... you look fantastic." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What should we be working on while you guys are talking?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do some... do some work. [whispering to Holly] People expect a lot from these meetings. Laughter, sudden twists. Surprise endings. You need to be Robin Williams and M. Night Shyamalan. You need to be Robin Shyamalan." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Well, I just have to get through the binder." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do you... just... you're kind of losing them." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "I am?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, don't think about the stakes. It'll freak you out." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Ok. [to everyone] Michael makes a really good point so, uh, let's just open this up a little bit. Say my name is Lauren and here I am shopping in a supermarket and I steal a pencil. That's not right." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[coughs to hide his words] Lauren, [coughs] enough with the pencils." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "No, I have to go over pencils and office supplies. It's part of the ethics thing." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "That isn't ethics. Ethics is a real discussion of the competing conceptions of the good. This is just the corporate anti-shoplifting rules." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'll drop an ethics bomb on you. Would you steal bread to feed your family? ... Boom!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Exactly, Andy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, I took intro to philosophy, twice. No big deal." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's a trick question. The bread is poisoned. Also, it's not your real family. You've been cuckolded by a stronger, smarter male." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No that's... not how it works." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I would not... steal the bread. And I would not let my family go hungry." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Ok, but we should get back to business. Have any of you ever faced any ethical dilemmas in the workplace." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Anybody? This is a chance for you to say something without any repercussions. Stanley? Oscar, come on." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Pass." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I will go first. When I discovered YouTube I didn't work for five days. I did nothing. I viewed Cookie Monster sings Chocolate Rain about a thousand times." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "What was the dilemma?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "To tell you or not. And I'm glad I did. I feel very very good. Cathartic. I promise you that you are not going to get into trouble. You can say anything you want with total and complete immunity." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Oh--- no no no." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, [interrupting gibberish]. Come on, anybody. Let it fly." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Ok, once in a while I'll take a long lunch." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "A siesta!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Time thief. Time thief! Fire him!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dwight, you've really never stolen any company time?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Never!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You are a thief of joy. Anybody else. Yeah?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Sometimes I download pirated music onto my work computer." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Who hasn't? Good. Good! What else?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "No--- I, I'd like to hear more about that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mmm..." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I once reported Oscar to the INS. Turns out he's clean, but I'm glad I did it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, let's keep this party movin' on." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I'll go. Have you guys ever met Bruce Meyers, the Scranton rep for Hammermill?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Bruuuuuuuuuce." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Well for the past six years I have been sleeping with him in exchange for discounts on our supplies and Outback Steakhouse gift certificates." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Jackpot." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ach! Wuh---" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Meredith, that is serious. I mean not only that a conflict of interests, there's also an exchange of goods." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Exchange of steak. Have you ever had sirloin steak, honey?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's crazy. That's crazy talk! Meredith! The Merenator, sleepin' with suppliers! Hoo-ooh! Wow! What time we got? [checks watch] You know what? That's a good place to end it. Right there. This, I think, was a great ethics seminar. She has given us a lot of wonderful things to think about. Right... what is wrong. Who's to say? Really. In the end. I mean because it is... unknowable. But, let's give her a round of applause. Holly, everybody. Holly! Get back to work. [everyone applauds, then leaves] [to Holly] Great job. I am truly impressed. That, uh, you really pulled that one out. Classic. Classic meeting. We should celebrate." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Michael, there is some serious issues with Meredith." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh..." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "I mean all of you have done things I wouldn't have done myself but Meredith's actions are really over the line." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nnyeah. What ya gonna do?" } ], [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "So, regarding this supplier, approximately how many liaisons have there been?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Liaisons, you mean meet-ups? I don't know, once a month for six years. Something like that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Meredith, why don't you tell Holly... it's not what she thinks. Nothing unethical happened... and that you just like to sleep around." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Am I in trouble here or something?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No... no, this is just a stupid formality." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "No, it's not a formality. Now, were these, um, meet-ups just personal? Unrelated to business?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Nah, I wouldn't have done it if it wasn't for the discount paper. There's not a lot of fruit in those looms." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ughh! For the love of God we're trying to help you... stupid bag." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "What I don't understand is... why the steak coupons? I mean, if you were already getting the discounted paper?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Well it's funny. Maybe it's a girl thing, but after we did it, and he would give me those coupons, I just felt good about myself. [Holly begins to write in her notebook] Hey what's going on here? I thought I had immunity?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Well unfortunately immunity or something being off the record does not really exist in the workplace. I mean I've never heard of anyone who's kept their job after something like this." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Well... I'm not quitting." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[starts a stopwatch as Dwight yawns, stops it when Dwight is done] Yawn. Four seconds." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh you had said that you don't do anything personal during work time so... I'm just making sure." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, so wait a minute, you're going to time me every time I yawn? That's absurd. [Jim smiles and starts the stopwatch] Really? [in a mocking voice] Oh hey look, monkey knows how to use a stopwatch everybody! He's ti--- [Dwight conceeds and goes back to work, Jim stops the watch]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Personal conversation. Seventeen seconds." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "There is no way that that was--- [Jim starts the watch]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[stops the watch] One second." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, well. Holly... lujah! It's a miracle, you're at your desk." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "It's Mike-raculous." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hoo-ooh! Reaching! You'll get there. Anyway, I was giving it some thought, and there's no reason that two attractive, good looking, intelligent, funny, attractive people can't, you know, just... sit down and work this whole Meredith thing out." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Sounds good." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good. Would you care to bang it out over lunch?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Oh I already bought this..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh no, no, no. Your food is no good here, my lady. [sweeps her food into the trash can, misses] Sorry! You know what? Let's go out! Dunder Mifflin's treat. Um, actually you're not a client... so... we'll just split it? Ethical." } ], [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "So, I've gone over corporate policy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What do you think? What do you think of this place?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Oh, it's very nice." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Istn't it? Yeah, it's kind of... business/romantic. So you're from Des Moines?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Mmm." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wow, that sounds so... warm." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "In Summer." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Here too. You know what my favorite season is?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Maybe we should talk about Meredith first." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, get the boring stuff out of the way. Autumn was what I was going to say. When the leaves change. It's just, I... I think it is the most contemplative of seasons." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Ok, so I have gone over this and I have thought about it and I just don't think there is any way I can write a report that doesn't end with her being terminated." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wow, terminator, terminator." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "I'm from da future." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, Andy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yo." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "By any chance, did you see Battlestar Galactica last night?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No, I did not. Was that any good?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Actually not. It was really so-so." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ok. [Dwight turns around, but Jim holds up the stopwatch, threatening to start it]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I mean I like all the crazy monsters and stuff. You know, like klingons and wookies and all that but... [Dwight begins to turn around again, Jim holds up the watch] Sorry, was there something you wanted to add, Dwight?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Is that anything like the original Battlestar Galactica?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know, it's weird. It's practically a shot for shot remake." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Really? [Dwight closes his eyes, clutches the paper in his hands] Huh, that's cool." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Story's kinda bland. It's about this guy named Dumbledore Calrissian who needs to return the ring back to Mordor." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Really? That doesn't sound right." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I just don't want my employees thinking that their jobs depend on performance. I mean, what sort of place is that to call home? And Meredith needs this job. This is her main source of money." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Well, that's very sweet but we have to follow the protocol. Those are the rules." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok, new idea. We don't report it at all. We just punish her." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "We punish her?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mmhmm, tell her she can't have sex for six months." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "I don't think we could enforce that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't know. I saw this thing, like a belt with a key." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "A chastity belt." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, it's more of a underwear garment that has little spikes like made of, sometimes they are made of metal. You know what I am talking about. You unlock a little door that... down... where you, where you put, where you put the..." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "He has not stopped working for a second. At 12:45 he sneezed while keeping his eyes open, which I always thought was impossible. At 1:32 he peed, and I know that because he did it in an open soda bottle under the desk while filling out expense reports. And on the flip side, I have been so busy watching him that I haven't even started work. It's exhausting, being this vigilant. I'll probably have to go home early today." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am just saying that I don't think that you understand what I am saying." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "No, you are saying that we should sweep it under the carpet, accept the discount on supplies, not fire Meredith and pretend like the whole thing never happened." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "What am I saying?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well... bleh busted. I don't..." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "I'm saying that her behavior is unethical and a little icky and I don't think I want to work in an environment where that sort of conduct is tolerated." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, you have to tolerate a lot when you are part of a family." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "It's not a family. It's a workplace." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I will be honest with you. That car ride did not go well and that was not my fault. The only reason I am standing out here right now is because I don't want to take the elevator with her. And I am holding on to her leftovers. [throws Holly's leftovers in the trash]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Dwight walks back to his desk] 19 minutes and 48 seconds. What were we doing for 19 minutes and 48 seconds?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "None of your business." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "So I guess I can assume that was personal." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[Dwight stares at Angela, buttoning the top button of her blouse] Fine." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "So maybe you're not completely ethical after all." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes, maybe I'm not. [Dwight grins and gives a sly look at the camera]" } ], [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "It's been a little tense. People are suspicious of me. And my best friend in the office won't even talk to me. Turns out being the morality police does not make you popular. I should know because in middle school I was the hall monitor and the kids used to stuff egg salad in my locker. I was just hoping middle school was over." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Kendall from corporate HR is on line one and Holly is on her way in too." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What's the only thing worse than one HR rep?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Two HR reps." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You get me." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Can I sit?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't know. Can you? Kendall, my main man." }, { "character": "Kendall", "line": "[on speakerphone] Listen, Holly, Michael, I just got the report that your branch submitted and there's a lot of stuff about a relationship Meredith is having with.." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Yes, that came out during the ethics seminar." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Let the record show that it was during the immunity part of the seminar." }, { "character": "Kendall", "line": "Well, I'm not sure these circumstances warrant any action." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Oh, I think it is pretty clear that it was unethical." }, { "character": "Kendall", "line": "Well, from what I can gather it seems like a gray area. Look, to be honest the company is getting a discount at a tough time in our balance sheet and I don't know that the right thing to do for the company is to turn our noses up at that." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Umm, Kendall, I understand that the discount is good for the company but I'm just not happy about the way we are getting it." }, { "character": "Kendall", "line": "I thought it was clear with you, Holly. Your task was to get signatures from the employees showing that they completed the training." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "No, I understand." }, { "character": "Kendall", "line": "Every other branch has managed to get this to us so if it's not something you can handle then that's a different discussion." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "No. I can do it." }, { "character": "Kendall", "line": "Good." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "How do you tell somebody that you care about deeply, \"I told you so.\" Gently with a rose? In a funny way, like it's a hilarious joke? Or do you just let it go, because saying it would just make things worse? ... Probably the funny way." } ], [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "Can I have everyone's attention? Excuse me, may I have everyone's attention, please. We need to finish the ethics seminar." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No way, lady." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "It's a trap." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Everyone, please, I just need your signatures to show corporate that I gave you the training." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Don't sign anything." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok, everybody listen up. If you are not in that conference room in two minutes I am going to kill you." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "It's a quarter to five and I have started to gather my things." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Get in there right now or I'm gonna lose it! [everyone gets up to go in the conference room]" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Am I getting fired?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Now is really not the time, Meredith." } ], [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "In this next section we examine the difference between sick days and personal days. Sick days are only to be used when an illness precludes you form doing your job or can spread to your coworkers. Personal days, on the other hand, are much more flexible." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Thank you, Meredith, this was delicious." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Hey, where is the steak sauce?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I think we're out." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I got some in my minivan somewhere." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Wait a second, how does the steak factor in again?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I think she got it as a tip, but I don't know why she didn't just take cash." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I don't care what she's doing. I just hope she keeps doing it." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Amen. Just keep the ribs coming." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "Stealing office supplies is another big ethical area that there seems to be some confusion about." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "That's a big ethical area?" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Listen, I would love to have an honest conversation with management about ethics. Why isn't the company doing better? Mmm... it could be the pad of Post-its I took home last week. Or it could be the twelve million dollars in deferred compensation in stock options they paid the CEO for a year of substandard performance. I'm sure we'll cover both in the seminar." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "I've done some things I'm not proud of. Committed some atrocities in Vietnam, uh, two years ago. Princess Cruise Lines." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "During our honeymoon safari in Africa, Bob and I were driving late at night, and he'd been drinking, and suddenly thump. We hit something with our jeep. It was probably a man. We didn't know what to do. We heard the police were corrupt and they might beat us, so we just kept driving as fast as we could. We bribed the airline, got on a plane that night, and fled home. Maybe it was just an ostrich. In a soccer uniform." } ], [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "Have any of you ever faced any ethical dilemmas in the work place?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Let's keep this rollin'... Ryan?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, but you mean other than embezzling?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Fraud, Jim, Fraud." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Fraud." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Sure, last year you guys were riding me really hard for the website and I just peeled out my Z3 and I knocked the mirror off somebody's car. I never said a thing." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Wait, what?" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "You knocked the mirror off of my car." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah, isn't that messed up?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "That guy did a lot of things I'm not proud of." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Wait, when you say \"that guy\", you mean you?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I mean the guy I used to be. I'm Ryan 2.0 and if it makes you feel any better, that guy did a lot of messed up stuff to me too. [tries to walk away]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "No, you mean that you did a lot of messed up stuff to you... too?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Look, I feel you okay? That guy took no responsibility for his actions." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "But are, are you gonna pay for my mirror?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "If I have to answer for everything that guy did... [shakes head] I'm never gonna move on." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "It was like two hundred dollars." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "We're never going to get what need from that guy. [still shaking head, pats Kevin on the shoulder and walks out of the kitchen]" } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Hey, anybody see a pair of sunglasses?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Umm... I think I saw some in the kitchen. [toaster oven bell rings, Ryan opens it as smoke rolls out and he see's his melted sunglasses on the tray, Ryan takes cooked sunglasses to Kevin] Oh! I didn't do that. That was Kevin 1.0, but he hurt a lot of people Ryan, and I can't accept responsibility for what he did. [Ryan walks away and throws his sunglasses in the trash, Kevin smiles]" } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "What are we gonna do?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "About what?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Holly. She's on the warpath. She is gunning for all our jobs. Do you guys have any dirt on her?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Mmm... sometimes her stockings have a run in them." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "No. Something I can blackmail her with." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "One time I said good morning to her, and she didn't say it back." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Stanley, didn't she say a bunch of racist stuff to you?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "No, that was you." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "You weren't even in the room! Thanks for nothing." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Hey, how did it go?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, cr..., oh, God. Meredith, you know what? I just need a minute, okay?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Okay. [remains sitting]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What do you need?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I'm getting fired, aren't I? I can't get fired. I got nothing else. Nothing. No skill set. Can't type, bad on the phone, not great with people." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I... really want to keep you." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Where else am I gonna get another job that lets me come it at eleven and leave at four?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wait, what?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I wish Toby was still here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nnnngah!" } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[looking pregnant] Hey Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Contractions are coming every ten minutes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK, just remember to keep breathing." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "My cervix is ripening." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK, good." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[drawing two family trees on a whiteboard] Jan is about to have a baby with a sperm donor. And Michael is preparing for the birth of a watermelon with Dwight. Now, this baby will be related to Michael through [draws a question mark] delusion." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael! My water's breaking!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, OK! OK!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Aaaaaaaa! What do you do? What do you do?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I get a call from Jan and I meet her at the hospital." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Right. Highways or surface roads?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I take Quincy Ave to Gibson." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, Gibson is covered in potholes. Your car breaks down. Adapt!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I checked the route - there are no potholes. Come on, get in here and have the baby." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's about adapting to the circumstances." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[annoyed] Andy, would you like to have my baby?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yes! Yeah. [squatting and pushing] Aaaaaaaa! Aaaaaaaa! Aaaaaaaa!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No. OK, no. I'm crowning! I'm crowning! Aaaaaaaa! [runs into Michael's office]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right, OK. [to Andy] Sorry. Sorry. Here we go. Here we go!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The pressure! The pressure!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do it! Do it! Scream! Scream it out, scream it out, scream it out." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Aaaaaaaa!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Aaaaaaaa!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Babies are one of my many areas of expertise. Growing up, I performed my own circumcision." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just keep pushing..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[lying on Michael's desk] Hold me!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm right here." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Cradle my head!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm right here, I'm right here." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm screaming, I'm screaming, I'm screaming! Aaaaaaaa!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[annoyed] All right. Dwight. Just push and breathe." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Numb me up. I want anesthesia!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Shhh. No, you can't have it. It's too late." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No! I don't want natural!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. You have to just push it out!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "OK!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Keep simulating." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Aaaaaaaa!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Do you have the Sharpie?!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Keep simulating." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Do you have the Sharpie?!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, I do!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "OK! When the baby emerges, mark it secretly in a kind of a mark that only you could recognize and no baby snatcher can ever copy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ready?!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Aaaaaaaa!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Aaaaaaaa! It's coming! Here we go! [drops the watermelon onto the floor] Oh! God! Wow! What was on that?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Butter. Newborns are slippery." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nice touch. Good. Let's try that again." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[eating the watermelon] It is going to be the happiest day of my life. [Dwight gets dressed behind Michael and zips his fly]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hello ladies, how's my shower going? Phyllis, did you get the live storks?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Damnit, Phyllis! I'm sorry. [more softly] Damnit, Phyllis. It was hard enough to convince Jan to come. So are we set for refreshments?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Per your instructions, we have the personalized M&Ms with the baby names. This is your boy bowl, with the name \"Chevy.\" And this is the girl bowl, with M&Ms with the name \"Astird.\"" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "That can't be right." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Michael wrote down \"Astird.\"" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "She said it is the name of a Viking princess. So..." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Ass...turd." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know. I know. It is beautiful. No. Thank you. Is this it? I mean, is this... Two bowls of M&Ms and some balloons? You know what Phyllis, I think you need to step it up. I think you need to get the lead out. Because if I'm not mistaken, we gave you your wedding shower here. We all came into this room and gave you a golden shower. Well you know what, where's my golden shower, Phyllis?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "It does not matter to me at all whether this baby is biologically mine. I am going to love it. It's like when the dog nurses the tiger cub. Have you seen that video? It is... it's so bizarre and unnatural, but... it, it happens." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Hey, I'm collecting for the baby shower." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "But Phyllis, it's not his baby." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I know, Kevin." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Why do we have to pay money to get a gift for his ex-girlfriend's unborn sperm bank baby?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Look at it as if you're paying for the cake, not the baby. Sheet cake." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I do enjoy being the head of the Party Planning Committee. I'm no longer under Angela's heel, and her little grape head is under mine." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[banging on the glass] Hey, hey. What are you doing? Don't talk to them." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Sorry." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Make the party. Don't - make the party, please, Phyllis. [Phyllis starts inflating a balloon with a pump] Pump it!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[on phone] So you know Stacy, right?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Right, the one from England." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "There's no one from England, Jim. Katie studied in Ireland - this is Stacy, the one who does the Murakami-style collages." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh. Right, that style." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "So, Stacy and Eric get to Bogre's DeTech half an hour early so they don't have to sit on the slab." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "OK..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Anyway, Bogre's TA Sarah Kaya comes in." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wait, who's Sarah Kayacombsen?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, Sarah Kaya comes in. Don't interrupt, I have like thirty seconds to finish this and get to DigiPres." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "OK." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "So Sarah Kaya says to Eric, \"No way. You can't reserve seats.\" And Stacy gets all up in her face and Sarah Kaya picks up Stacy's new PM pad and throws it at the light box." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[clearly just humoring her] No... way!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ha ha. That's hilarious?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, it's horrible! Jim, she might get arrested." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Who, Stacy?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, Stacy is a boy. Ugh. Frustrating. Why can't you just be in art class with me?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, wait, I gotta go, class starting. [hangs up]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "OK, I'll ta...I'll talk to you later. [hangs up] That was a good story." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Who's Sarah Kayacombsen?" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yo. I got the Nard-puppy for ya. What's going on here?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "It's a baby game where you guess whose picture is whose." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Awww. Check it out - who would have thought that this little baby would be marrying that little baby?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "That's Phyllis." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well -" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yeah, it is. So I hope you two are very happy together. Pervert." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Why would that make me a pervert, I -" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Well, it does. That's me." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That's not you." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yes it is." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That's mean, come on, that's - [Angela storms out]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ahoy, matey." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Ahoy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ahoy. So, how you doin'?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Good." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um, listen. Jan Levinson is coming in today, and she is in the terminal stages of her pregnancy - the child of which I have a vested interest. It's all kind of weird. Anyway, she is incredibly... fat and enormous right now - extremely unattractive. And you are, on the other hand, one of the more attractive people in the office. So, while she's here I am going to be acting kind of cold to you. And I am doing this to pay respect to her bloated feelings. And I'm treating Ryan the same way." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Of course. Yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I do not like pregnant women in my workspace. They're always complaining. I have varicose veins, too. I have swollen ankles, I'm constantly hungry - do you think my nipples don't get sore too? Do you think I don't need to know the fastest way to the hospital?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Jan enters the office, pushing a stroller] Jan." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Hi, Jim!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What do we have here?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "This is my baby." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Really..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh no... [Michael enters and notices Jan's baby]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jan had the baby and Michael wasn't there to mark it. So the baby could be anybody's. Except Michael's." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "So this is Astird." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Astrid." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, OK. Why didn't you call me?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Well, um, you know, labor just kind of started very suddenly and-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I could have helped." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "And the birth instructor thought it wasn't a good idea for you to be there, so..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, man. Him? That guy? He had no sense of humor and I proved him wrong in so many ways." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "OK, you don't have any idea what I've been through, so, let's..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I don't!" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "I'm sorry, I thought today at the baby shower would be a good time for the two of you to meet." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Can I hold her?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Yes, yes you can. You know, I think, just leave her in the car seat. Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[cradling the car seat awkwardly] All right, OK." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I love babies. I think they are beautiful in all sorts of different ways. I try to pick up and hold a baby every day, if possible, because it nourishes me. It feeds my soul. Babies are drawn to me, and I think it's because they see me as one of them. But cooler, and with my life put together a little bit. If a baby were president, there would be no taxes, there would be no war. There would be no government, and things could get terrible. It actually, probably - it would be a better screenplay idea than a serious suggestion." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[carrying the car seat] Ladies and gentlemen, it is my privilege and honor to present for the first time in her life and in the office: Assst..." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "trid." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "...trid Levinson. Hi! Astrid, this is everybody, look. This is your family. You're going to know them for the rest of your life." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Well..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[looking at Creed] Well, he may not be here. Say hello! OK, here we go. [lifting the car seat high above his head] Lion King!" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Michael, Michael, Michael, that's... yeah... that's too high. I'll take that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK, come on, let's get our shower on. Conference room, choppity chip chop." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "You OK? You seem kind of..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[sees Jan sizing up Holly] I'm fine, weirdo. Such an HR weirdo. Try not to suck all the air out of there when you walk in." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ready to play some games? Let's do it!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Michael, the baby's already been born." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh, duh." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "So we had games planned but the baby ruins all of them." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, the baby doesn't ruin anything, Kevin, OK? The baby multiplies the fun. Let's just do what you were going to do." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "OK... Who wants to guess when the baby will be born?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right, how about some presents? I want to see some presents. [holding a memo pad] I got this so I can write down for thank-you notes." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Thank you. That's very sweet of you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Whatta we got?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Um, we all chipped in and got you this stroller." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh!" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "She already has a stroller." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "And this is way worse than the stroller she came with." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "She's got an Orbit; that's a twelve hundred dollar stroller." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Huh. Twelve hundred dollars for a stroller? Phhhbt." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK, what else?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Twelve hundred dollars is what I spent on my whole bomb shelter. For that kind of money, this stroller should be indestructible. [straps the watermelon into the stroller on the elevator]" } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "[singing \"Son of a Preacher Man\" to Astrid] Being good isn't always easy / No matter how hard I try / When he started sweet-talking to me / He'd come and tell me everything is all right / He'd kiss and tell me everything is all right / Can I get away again tonight / The only one..." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey you!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[on phone] Hey! You busy?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Not even. I'm doing laundry for the first time in like a month." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "OK, OK, so you gotta hear this. So, Jan's shower is going on right now, and she's singing \"Son of a Preacher Man\" and everyone's just staring at her." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I can't hear anything, there's like, there's like machines going-" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "The song is about losing your virginity next to a church, and guess what - she's been singing for the last twenty minutes!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I can't hear anything!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh. OK, well you know what, I um, just call me later." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "OK." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm not frustrated. Even if I were in Scranton, Jim and I would have days like this. We're just... a little out of sync. You know, that's all. Oh, great. I washed my lipstick." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "[now belting out the lyrics, even though Astrid is asleep] How well I remember / The look that was in his eyes / Stealing kisses from me on the sly / Taking time to make time / Telling me that he's all mine / Learning from each other's knowing / Looking to see how much we've grown / And the only one..." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[heaving the stroller into a tire yard] Don't hit the fence. Oh no, my child!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[throwing the stroller against a high chain link fence] Don't get stuck on the barbed wire!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[tossing the stroller off a tall heap of tires] Playtime is over!" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "So Jan, tell my intended about the miracle of childbirth." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Well, actually, I, uh, I had a tub birth. And it was really, really quite amazing." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "You gave birth in a tub?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Yeah, it's a really nice transition from womb to world, you know, kind of like a big womb." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Um, so you're in the tub with everything?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Oh, yeah, the afterbirth floats, yeah." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Must be like the tide at Omaha Beach." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Oh no, it's actually really hygienic, Creed." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Ugh." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I'm done." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Me too." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "And after the birth you get out and deliver the afterbirth. [everyone starts leaving]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey! Hey, no no no no no no no no. No. No. This is the birth story. It was beautiful. It was beautiful. This is a once-in-a-lifetime experience. And I should have been there. I should have been there to witness this." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I could have helped." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "You're sad about this. I know that, and I wish that I... but... would it help if you held Astrid for just a, a little bit?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[smiling] Uh, yeah." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "All right. Um, I'm just going to lie down for a couple of minutes. I'm exhausted, so um. Remind me to talk to you about Astrid's 529. Wake me in twenty." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[voiceover] I usually love babies, but when I held Astrid I just felt... shortchanged." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Phyllis? Could you take-." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey guys." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "What's up, Mike?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh, I need some advice from one baby daddy to another." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You a baby daddy?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, I a baby daddy. Um, when you first became a baby daddy, did you have an immediate connection with that baby? Like, the first time that you held it, did you find that with your baby baby?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Hell yeah. You know why? Because that was my baby." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I just saw this baby daddy-" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You should stop calling yourself \"baby daddy.\"" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why, Darryl, because I'm quote white quote unquote?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Because you're not a daddy, and it's not your baby." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well-" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You feel connected to his baby over there?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's- that's different." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You feel connected to this? [hold up his back brace]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's not a baby." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You want to hold me, to see how you feel?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[sighs] Could I?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "No." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "[wakes up on the reception couch] Oh. I was just catching up on my sleep." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "I can imagine." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Where's Astrid?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Oh, I think she's on a sales call." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "On a what?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Waaa! More paper! Waaa! [she cracks herself up but Jan is unimpressed] No, she's just on a coffee break." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "[sarcastically] That's funny." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "She's with Angela." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "[with Astrid covered in and surrounded by vegetables on a lunch table] That's good. Now, I need you to - I need it to look up here. Get the baby to look up here, ready?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "OK. Yeah. Look at my finger. Look. Looook!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Now. Come on, up here!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Look up here!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Your hand's in it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What? Sorry." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yeah, that's a good one." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "What are you doing? What's going on? Excuse me." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "We're taking a picture." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "[picking up Astrid] There you are." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "She's nature's bounty." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "You don't flash around a newborn baby. Don't you know that?" } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "Michael, I need your help." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[sees Holly behind Jan] I was just going to... I was going to talk to Holly, about her hygiene. She smells like old tomatoes and dirt." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Uh... come on." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I like to call this... the bumper test. [drags the stroller behind his car and runs into it several times]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sure you can't stay a little longer?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Oh, no, Michael, you know what? I really have to go." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right. All right, everybody, we're leaving. Jan and Astrid are leaving." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "You know what, where is the stroller that I came in with?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh. I took the liberty of putting it in your trunk." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Ah. Thanks, Dwight." } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "OK. You know what? There is, uh, there is one more thing that you can do for me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Don't date Holly." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wha - that's, I hate her. Wha - God! Why would you even ask me to - I, I mean, not that it matters, 'cause I don't, but wha - OK, all right, fine." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Thanks for the baby shower. It was great. And I'll see you... soon." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "OK." } ], [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "You still gonna be mean to me?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[just hugs her, and she hugs him back and smiles] You wanna go out?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Yes." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I didn't feel much when I held Astrid, but I got a good feeling from Holly." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[on voicemail] Hey, it's Jim. Leave a message." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[on voicemail, because she's calling Jim at the same time] Hi, this is Pam. Leave a message." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[walking to his car] Hey, it's me. It is 5:03." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I figured I'd catch you walking to your car, but..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You must be out or something." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'll leave a message." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Is it me, or are we just a little off today?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I guess this is just one of those days. It'll get better." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hope you didn't have any major laundry issues." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I finished my laundry. Got all my socks. Nothing like that time that crazy guy pushed you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Remember that time that I helped you do your laundry and that crazy guy came in and started yelling at you?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "And then, remember, we went shopping the next day to buy me a washer and dryer?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yet here you are, back in a Laundromat. Now, I'm just trying to help you, Beesly. Be safe." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You're probably upset that I'm even at a Laundromat right now. But, don't worry, I'm being safe. And I'm headed home. I'm... headed to my dorm. Not home." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wish you were home. Uh, anyway..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Anyway, um... I miss you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I miss you." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "All right, how about we play the game where we guess how big the mother's belly is?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh! OK!" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Well..." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "How many squares of toilet paper go around the waist?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Does that mean there's no toilet paper in the bathroom?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Kevin, relax." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "OK, you know what, I don't think I need to do this one, because I only gained twelve pounds and I'm just going to get rid of all of that, so..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Seventeen. I say seventeen squares." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "OK, give me the roll. I'll do it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do the boobs!" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Yeah, we're not doing my boobs, Michael. OK, seven, someone give me the prize. [to Astrid] Oh, it's OK..." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Did she really just have a baby? She's so beautiful." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh yeah. Wait 'til you get to know her better though." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey! HR lady, stop whispering in the corner please. Very rude. You're ruining the party." } ], [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "I'm starting to get a feeling for what life was like around here for Toby." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "[on the phone] It was terrible." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "I know." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I prefer being stuck in a Costa Rican hospital." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Not really." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hey Jan, you went to a sperm bank?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Uh, yes, I did." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I donated sperm." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Maybe I'm the father." }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Well, this is a highly exclusive establishment." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Next to the IHOP?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Well, I paid for an ideal specimen." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Are you saying Kevin is not an ideal specimen?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "This is a wonderful shower, everyone. Thank you." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[to camera] I might have done it with Jan!" } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "It's not Kevin's child. Can't possibly be. I mean, I don't know what I would do. Sue... icide?" } ], [ { "character": "Jan", "line": "[Jan nurses Astrid with her top down, office workers try to work] Okay, 'Stridly, you want to try the other side? Okay, here we go. That's good. Oh, good job." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Jan? What's new?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "You know what, Kevin? Why don't you just go ahead and stare? Because, you know, it's, it's fine with me. I mean, this is sooo natural, and so beautiful, and..." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Seriously? You're okay with that?" }, { "character": "Jan", "line": "Of course. I mean, there's nothing erotic about this, you know, it's, it's, it's what these [shakes a breast] were made for, you know, I mean they're full of baby milk, they're... nourishing my baby, so... [tosses head proudly, Creed comes up to stand next to Kevin, staring directly at Jan's chest] Michael!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hello, spoiled little baby, [to a watermelon] in your fancy brand name stroller. Mmm, I wonder if it's as safe as they say it is. Oh, look, a curb. Uh oh, let's see what happens... [lets it go, it flies off the curb, stays upright, and stops safely] Inconclusive. [pushes it out into the street, it rolls to a stop] Spartans would leave a weak baby by the side of the road. My parents left me beside the road. I crawled home." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Not so weak, huh, Mom?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Gosh, Mommy feels like taking a jog. [runs with stroller] Oh, no! Mommy forgot to wear a bra, and her big fake boobs are really hurting her, and she needs to let go, she can't control the stroller any longer [forcefully pushes stroller away toward uneven ground with junk strewn around, the stroller hits some junk, stays upright, and stops safely]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Let's see what this baby can do... [drives car fast, holding stroller alongside the car, stroller remains fine] Aaaah! Aa-aaah! [throws it ahead of the car, it goes for a while and then is stopping] It's a hardy stroller. [takes watermelon out of stroller, holds it up to show camera] Maybe it's safe!" } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Receptionist", "line": "Pam, line three." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay, thanks." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "New York, as it turns out, is very expensive, and I ran out of money. I thought about selling a kidney, but Michael offered to get me a part-time job at corporate." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[on phone] Paaam-o-laaaaaa..." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Of course, now Michael knows where to reach me 16 to 18 hours a week." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[on phone] Paaam-o-laaaaaa... Miss ya kiddo. Miss you... so much." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Hello." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That was really fun last night." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Yeah, it was nice." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm actually thinking about getting my own set of putt-putt golf clubs." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Oh, that would be great. You need that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh really?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well..." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "It would help." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I, uh... [to camera] I let her win." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "[to camera] No, he didn't." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So, when, um, can I see you again?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Um, tonight, I'm free tonight. Is that too eager? [laughs]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "I don't care, free tonight." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. Oh, wait, oh, tonight's no good. [Holly's smile quickly fades] Because I am busy taking you out." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "[gasps] Oh, I just remembered, I can't tonight." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[concerned] Why?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "I'm going out with you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wow... Oh, wait a second, I can't tonight..." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "[shakes head] No more." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Tonight's so..." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "No more." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Too many times. It's all good, um, alright, so, good, so, have a nice day." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Thank you, you too." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're welcome." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "In my opinion, the third date is traditionally the one where... you have sex. Does Holly feel that way? I don't know. I will probably find out tonight. If she starts having sex with me I'll know for sure." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "That's for you. And, um, oh. I am right in assuming that Dwight is short for D-Money. 'Cause that's what I wrote on your save-the-date." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[whispering] You set a date?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "J-Money. Or should it be T-Money, for Tuna? Receptionist Money. K-Money." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "[sigh] What are you making?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "A knife." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "You're making a knife with a knife?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You got a better way?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "You want to talk about it?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "About what?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "You know I know. [looks at the camera guys] You know they know." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I know none of that. If I did, you'd be the last to know." } ], [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "Oh, the mall could be fun." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "We could go to the food court and get different foods. You could get Chicken Teriyaki. I could get a hot dog." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Some of what we order depends on whether we're having sex after. [laughs] Oh, my. Wow, elephant in the room. Are we, do you think? Do you think we're going to have sex tonight?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "...Hell yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, so, we do the restaurant thing and then... then... then we can do... We'll just do the restaurant thing first." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Yeah, that's good." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Probably get soup or something light." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "She introduced me to so many things. Pasteurized milk, sheets, monotheism, presents on your birthday, preventative medicine." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "It's nice to learn new things." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I was talking to myself." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I just don't get it." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "What don't you get?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Why is she marrying Andy?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Angela's not really a risk taker. And Andy's not really a risk." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's really fattening." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "No, it's lettuce." } ], [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "[playing cards] It's time to go." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. No. Reservations are at 8:00, so we've got like an hour and 45 minutes. [sighs] [goofy voice] I'm a crazy eight, I'm crazy." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "You're crazy, go crazy." } ], [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "[walking out of the building] Oh, I forgot my keys." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do you need 'em?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Yeah, lets go grab them." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Oh, after vous. [walking into the girls bathroom]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank vous. [chuckling] What? Oh! [kissing]" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "I didn't forget my keys, I just didn't want to make out with you in front of the cameras. Do you think they can hear us?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Not if we turn these dials [getting louder] all the way down. [whispering] Now they can't hear us at all." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Oh, good." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We're totally alone." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yes, that's correct. I need to cancel checks from 10,001 to 90,000." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Great, they stole my laptop." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah, well, they stole my surge protector." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "How does that even compare?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oscar, I'm now going to be prone to surges." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, my God, what happened?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "We were robbed last night." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Bravo, Watson. Looks like a classic seven-man job. Okay, security tapes were stolen, Motives-financial, or possible, vintage HP computer collectors. Hank down at security had clocked out. And that's all we have." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Can I talk to you for a second?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah. Oh... oh!" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "That wasn't us, right? I mean... you remembered to lock the doors?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, did you?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Michael I think this is our fault." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, no, my God." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Oh..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh my God!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "So much for sex without consequences." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[on phone] [Jim holds up phone] You are such a dork! Shots!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "So apparently Pam went out last night, and accidentally called my work phone at 3:00 in the morning." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[on phone] I'm not drunk." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm on minute six of this message." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[on phone] Okay, I do not sound like that." }, { "character": "Man on phone", "line": "You can take the girl out of Philly..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[on phone] Scranton." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "The future mother of my children." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "I never felt safe here." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You're always safe with me. I'm a very good screamer. And one day, we're going to move to Disney's Celebration Village in Florida and leave all of this behind." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I would very much like that." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[cockney accent] Consider yourself... at home!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[Dwight groans] Ugh." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Get in." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Where are we going?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I know she loves me, Phyllis. I am sure of it. She practically told me so." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Then you need to give her an ultimatum. Tell her she needs to make a choice. You or Andy. If she pick you, great. If not, you can move on." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Are you sure that's going to work?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "It did when Bob said I had to stop talking to my sister on the phone so much." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wait, this isn't our floor. Dwight..." } ], [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "How's everyone doing? My door is always open if anyone wants to talk." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I don't want to talk. I want my laptop back." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "Nobody steals from Creed Bratton and gets away with it. The last person to do this disappeared. His name? [whispering] Creed Bratton." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "We're gonna make everything all right. Alright? Conference room, 15 minutes. Half an hour. Alright?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "To recoup their losses, I am planning a little charity auction, where people from all over Scranton can come and bid on our goods and services. I'm calling it crime-aid. It's like farm aid, but instead of farms fighting against AIDS, it is us fighting against our own poverty." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I think it's a fun idea." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "We could auction off things we do for each other like cleaning or tennis lessons. My sorority did it all the time." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, I'm gonna have to stop you right there. Was this a sorority that you didn't get into a real sorority so you had to kind of form your own?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Move on, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. Okay! Well, come on, let's have an auction. Let's do this. We'll auction off people like in the olden days." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "So, in order to recoup the value of items we liked, we have to spend more money on things we don't want. Who would ever come to this?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't know, it could be any number of people. It could be a pedestrian. It could be an old person. It could be a lookie-loo. Or, it could be... a Bruce Springsteen fan - what? Who said that? I did. Why did I say that? Oh, I think you know why I said that. I think it is very apparent. I think it goes without saying. Bear with me. There's a point there. But what is the point? I don't understand what he's saying. It seems a little shady. It seems a little foggy. Well, it's not a little foggy there's actually something going on here-" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Do you need us for any of this?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do I?" } ], [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "Michael scored the big ticket item. Springsteen tickets! The boss scored the boss." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, I think that's pretty boss." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "He knows how to get things. He got me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Whoa!" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "[giggles] Sorry." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Twice. ... Right?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Mm-hmm." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mm-hmm." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Mm-hmm." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Listen to me close. 'Cause I'm only gonna say this once. You either break off your engagement with that singing buffoon, apologize, and then date me, or you can say good-bye to this. [points below his belt]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I think you have me confused with another person." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I said I was only gonna say this once. You have until 6:14 PM. 6:14!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I heard you. [quickly walks away]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pump it up! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! [Huey Lewis' Heart of Rock and Roll plays] Pump up the volume. Thank you very much, everybody. Thank you, Mr. Springsteen. [music stops] And welcome to C.R.I.M.E.-A.I.D. [clears throat] Crime Reduces Innocence Makes Everyone Angry I Declare. It is not known how many office robberies occur every second because there is no Wikipedia entry for office robbery statistics. However, tonight, its victims, are standing together and standing strong in the form of song, cooking lessons, and hugs. Really Phyllis? You're auctioning a hug? Okay, so with no further ado, lights, camera, auction! Take it away Bruce! [Huey Lewis' Heart of Rock and Roll plays]" } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Mike gave me a list of his top ten Springsteen songs. Three of them were Huey Lewis and the News. One was Tracy Chapman, Fast Car. And my personal favorite, Short People." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, this is the moment that you have all been waiting for. Our first item up for bids tonight is something that I consider to be very boss indeed. [cheers and applause] It is a Yoga lesson from Holly Flax! Yoga! And I would like to start the bidding off at 300 dollars. [auctioneer voice] 300 dollars do I hear 300 dollars? 300 dollars. Hey, batter batter batter, hey batter, swing batter, 300 dollars, 300 dollars, 300 dollars. Anybody, 300 dollars. 400 dollars. Who wants for 400-[speaking gibberish] Do I see somebody in the back? Is there somebody in the back? Do I see somebody in the back? 400-450 [speaking gibberish] Sold! For 300 dollars to me! [bangs gavel, which squeaks] What the hell is that?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "It's the only gavel I could find." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It squeaks when you bang it, that's what she said. Let's hear it for me! Right? A bargain at any price!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Hey Mike, do my thing." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, yes, great. Very good, Um, so, Darryl, and the boys in the hood in the warehouse, have graciously donated to, uh, go out for a beer with them right now. You know what, I'm actually going to bid on this. I'm going to start the bidding, because this is something that I have dreamt of-" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Mike, you can't do that. It's conflict of interest." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "5 dollars." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Sold! To Jim." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. Okay, sold! Have fun, you guys. Well, this next item is sure to spring steam from your ears if you don't win it. It just says \"Creed.\"" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Yeah, that's all-inclusive." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "She thought I was McNabb. [laughing]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I can see that." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yeah, well, watcha gonna do?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Another round, boys? Great. [Jim walks to the bar]" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Halpert?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "What's up, Roy?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey man." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "I'm not gonna hit you or anything." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, I wouldn't-[clears throat]" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "You good?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm good. How you doing?" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "I'm good." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, okay." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Hey Darryl, what's happenin'?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Oh, what's up, Roy?" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Hey, what's up, guys? How you been?" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hi, I'm Kevin. And I'll do your taxes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Let's hear an opening bid, everybody. Who's first? Kevin do your taxes. He's the tax man. Kevin the tax man." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Federal and State." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Federal and State. [no one bids]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Fine. [throws down microphone, knocks down microphone stand]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, alright. Hey, you know what? I would appreciate it if people would stop storming off the stage." } ], [ { "character": "Hank", "line": "[the security guard] [playing blues on a guitar] Me and the blues. It's me and the blues. [Dwight looks at his watch, then at Angela, who looks away from Dwight towards Andy]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "We are getting there folks. Slow and steady. [David Wallace walks in] Well, well, have we been blessed today. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. David Wallace! Whoo!" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey!" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Thank you Michael, thanks, thanks everybody. I'd like to auction off a weekend at my place in Martha's Vineyard. Hey, hey!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "100 dollars." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "100 dollars, great." }, { "character": "Bob", "line": "125." }, { "character": "Guy in audience", "line": "140." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey Phyllis, someone let the air out of your tires. Come quick." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh dear." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Keep it going. Hey batter batter batter." }, { "character": "Guy in audience", "line": "160." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "160." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I had to get your attention. This is an emergency. [the air is let out of one of Phyllis' tires]" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Why couldn't have you just said it? Why did you actually do it?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Listen, she ignored my ultimatum. Now what?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Now you move on." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, fine. I've moved on. Now how do I get her back?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Well Dwight, I don't think you do. I think you've got your answer." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wait, that's it? That's your advice? I thought you had some kind of big master plan." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Well, I just think we all deserve to be with someone who wants to be with us." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh. I get it. You're trying to secure your place as head of the party-planning committee. You're just being selfish. [Phyllis slaps Dwight] And you slap like a girl." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What did Phyllis do wrong? I'll tell you what Phyllis did wrong. She stuck her nose into my business and tried to help me. [Dwight has an epiphany]" } ], [ { "character": "Roy", "line": "What's going on with Pam?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, she's good actually." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Yeah?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "She's, um, she's in New York. She's at an art school." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, she's doing really well." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Huh." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "She's engaged, um... to me." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "[laughs] Congrats, man." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, thanks man. Appreciate that." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "So Pam's happy?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, I'd say she's happy. I mean, she loves her classes. Loves the city. I mean, last night, she was out with her friends, till, like, 8:00 AM." }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "Wow." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Roy", "line": "I thought you were a friend." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[driving] I am going to see Pam. Because I feel like I should. [sighs]" } ], [ { "character": "Bob", "line": "When are you getting to Bruce?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh, just a few more items." }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "[chanting] Bruce! Bruce! Bruce!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right, all right, all right, all right, all right! Here we go. All right, big ticket item. [cheering] All right, in my pocket, I have... two tickets... to Mr. Bruce Springsteen, front... Oh, where are those? Has anyone seen an envelope with Bruce Springsteen front row tickets and backstage passes? Anybody seen something like-lying around?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Do you want us to look for 'em?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. I think they were stolen. I think they were stolen and they're gone forever. So... oh, that was the last good item. So, good job, everybody." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I have my hug." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, well, Phyllis, nobody... really wants a hug, so." }, { "character": "Bob", "line": "I'll bid on a hug." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "She's your wife, you idiot." }, { "character": "Bob", "line": "100 dollars." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "200." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh, what the hell is happening?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "250." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I need a hug, unless you're gonna give me one." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Not here." }, { "character": "Bob", "line": "300." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "300, we have 300. 300 going once. 300 going twice." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "300 and one penny." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "300 and one penny, 300 and one penny." }, { "character": "Bob", "line": "325." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "325, 325." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "350." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "350." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "350 and one penny." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "350 and one penny." }, { "character": "Bob", "line": "400." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "400, 400 hey batter batter." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "400 and one penny." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "400 and one penny." }, { "character": "Bob", "line": "500." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "500." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "500 and one penny." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "500 and one penny. One million dollar!" }, { "character": "Bob", "line": "700." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "700." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "700 and one penny." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Humuna-humuna-humuna-humuna-humuna-" }, { "character": "Bob", "line": "1,000" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Eh, it's not worth it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "1,000 going once, 1,000 going twice. Sold for 1,000 dollar. [applause] Nicely done." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[driving, sighs, laughs] No. you know what? No. Because... I'm not that guy. And [laughs] we are not that couple. [turns around]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[whispering] Hey, that looks good. Listen, about the tickets. It's sort of a gray-kind of a gray area in terms of...whether or not I had them- [Holly covers Michaels mouth]" } ], [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "The Springsteen tickets seemed too good to be true. But, a lot of Michael seems too good to be true. So far it's all true. But yeah, those tickets, really seemed too good to be true." } ], [ { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "[after accidentally seeing Michael and Holly kiss] No, I did not know that Michael was dating Holly." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "What can I do for you, Michael? I'm kinda busy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, I guess that job that I got you is working out for you well, then." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It is. Thanks again." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, if there's anything else I can do, just let me know." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[long pause] And of course, if there's ever anything I can ever do for you..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what? I would love a slice of real New York style pizza." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "If I get you a slice of pizza, are we even?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Even as pie." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[opening a delivery envelope, takes out slice of pizza which appears to have a section off the end] Okay... don't ask me how I got it, let's just say that I have... connections. [folds it in two and takes a bite] Mmm. Mmm. [with a full mouth and an Italian accent] I'm the Godfather. I'm gonna eat this whole pizza. And then I'm gonna kill you. [digs around in envelope, pulls out the rest of the slice] [indistinct] some cheese. You gotta fold it up. That's the way you eat pizza." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I just don't know if he's presidential enough." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I know. And how long is CJ gonna spin this whole MS thing? How can Josh and Sam keep quiet?" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Every night, Jim and I watch an episode of The West Wing together on DVD. Um, he wanted to watch Battlestar Galactica and I wanted to watch Cranford... so we compromised. Next we're gonna watch Cranford." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Cranford? No. We will never watch that." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am going to run three possible date ideas by you and I want you to tell me which one gets your blood percolating." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ah, I'm sure they're all great." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I have two sure things, one wildcard." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Let's start with the wildcard." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mmm-hmm." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "The wildcard is dinner at a nice restaurant." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh-oh." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Exactly. Here, here are my sure things. I blindfold her. I take her to the Houdini Museum. She chains me up..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I think I got a pretty good sense of that one." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yep." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Let's move on to the next." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Number two, we go to the mall..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mmm-hmm." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We go to the bed store, I let her choose whatever bed she wants..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, that's good." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And we have sex on it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I like the wild card. I'm already liking the wild card." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really? I don't know. It's a big third date, Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mmm-hmm." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What do I do?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Have you asked her what she wants to do?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, I thought as the man that I should make the decision." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No. You got that backwards." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Times have changed, Jim." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Our first date was at the Anthracite Coal Museum. We had both been before, but we pretended like it was our first time so we could get all the extra information. They knew we were faking... 'cause they recognized us. But we made them tell us all the stories. All the safety information. And we corrected them whenever they got it wrong. [Phyllis chuckles and nods, Dwight sighs and takes the rest of his sandwich out of the container and holds it up to Phyllis] You want half a sandwich?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'll bring you one tomorrow. You've earned it. [bites into the sandwich half, chews] Mmm. I hope you like fox meat." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[dressed as Carrie Bradshaw] Wow you guys look amazing. Stanley, I thought you hated Halloween." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "[dressed as Raggedy Ann] Shh. He wears that so he can sleep at his desk. Who are you?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh, I'm Carrie Bradshaw from Sex And The City." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Mm. I like your shoes. [Kelly has 5-inch heels on]" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Thank you. Will you help walk me to the fax machine?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Sure." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I got her, I got her. I can help you. You look amazing." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Inappropriate. Thank you. Who are you, Larry King?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Gordon Gekko." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh, from the insurance commercials!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "... Yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[Creed dressed as the Joker enters] Whoa. Awesome." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Let's put a smile on that face!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[also dressed as the Joker] Dammit Creed! I've been up since four!" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[dressed as a kitten] Meow. Sweet 'stume, dude. Who are you supposed to be?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dave." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Cool." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You are? [Andy hisses] A cat?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[buzzer noise] We were looking for \"kitten.\"" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[phone] Oh, hang on one second. Jim Halpert." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey New York, Happy Halloween!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thanks. My costume's getting a lot of attention. [Pam is dressed as Charlie Chaplin]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "So apparently no one dresses up for Halloween here. I wish I had known that before I used greasepaint for my moustache. And I can't even take off my hat, because then I'm Hitler." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[dressed as the Joker] Hm mm mm mm. Want to see a magic trick? Heh heh heh! I'm gonna make a pencil disapp-- oh! [elevator doors close, reopen.] Disappear." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, I think we are set. We have puzzles, string for Cat's Cradles. Burned this last night. A little road trip CD. Puppets." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Oh, look at all this stuff! It's only seven hours." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "When Corporate found out that we were dating, they decided they were going to transfer Holly back to her old branch, in Nashua, New Hampshire." } ], [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "Michael is taking a personal day to move me up." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Road trip! Right?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Breaker one-nine, copy?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, copy that breaker. Those Duke boys are at it again." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Hey! Do Not Touch My Radio." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We're not." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Kidding." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We're not doing anything." } ], [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "It's been a weird week since we found out I had to transfer. Michael wanted me to quit and get some job here in Scranton, and I said \"Well, why don't you quit and get some job in Nashua?\" And he said \"I asked you first.\" And I said \"First!\" at the same time he did. And then I said \"Jinx.\" And then we never talked about it again and haven't been back to the conversation. So..." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right everybody. I'm out of here. Jim, you're in charge." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, I'll walk you out." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ah, you are quite the gentleman." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "You can let people go a couple of minutes early if you want." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right. We'll see. [to camera] No." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I am off to New York. My brother Pete from Boston, and my brother Tom from New Jersey are taking Pam and I out for lunch, to celebrate the engagement. Or maybe to beat me up. I can never tell with those two." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Good morning temp." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "'Morning. [Dwight reveals Cornell sweatshirt] Wow. Good morning Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thought I'd go casual today. Morning everyone. Good morning. Hello. How are you Phyllis?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ha ha ha. That's funny. [angrily] Take that sweatshirt off! Hey buddy." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Andy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Remember when I jokingly yelled at you to take your sweatshirt off? Totally joking. But, you should know, those colors are sacred. Not that I care. But if you're not a Cornell man, you probably shouldn't wear them." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No I get it. I totally understand. And uh, I just want to assure you, that I mean no disrespect. You see, I'm applying!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Come on, you think you can get into Cornell?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well if somebody who barely out-sells Phyllis, can get in, I should be fine." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I'm sitting right here Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I meant that as a compliment to you Phyllis, as well as a slight to Andy." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Cornell is a good school, and I want to better myself through higher education. If it makes Andy angry, so be it. [He sips from his Cornell mug]" } ], [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "I have to unpack this weekend but maybe next weekend we go to the outlets!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Cool!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Mike you'll drive this every weekend?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We're gonna switch back and forth, the driving. Sometimes we'll just meet in the middle. It'll be fun. Wait a sec. Oh I love this song." }, { "character": "Michael & Holly", "line": "Life is a highway, I want to ride it all night long." }, { "character": "Michael & Holly & Darryl", "line": "If you're going my way, I wanna drive you all night long! If you're going my way..." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey there. So uh, how do you think we're gonna do against Penn this year? Nathan Ford's arm looks pretty strong." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well he's had a pretty good season so far--- Stop saying \"we.\" You did not go to Cornell. Okay, you're just doing this to screw with me." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Not so. Cornell is an excellent school. Without its agricultural program, we probably wouldn't have cabbage. At least not modern cabbage." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I know it's an excellent school, Dwight. I went there. My blood runs Big Red." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Someday, we'll both get together in Comstock Hall and just laugh about all of this." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey!" }, { "character": "Tom", "line": "Hey, future baby sis!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "How are you Tom. Nice to see you." }, { "character": "Tom", "line": "I'm good." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I asked Tom and Pete to come early so we could play a prank on Jim at lunch! Pretty awesome, right? I think they're into the idea. They're probably thinking, \"That Pam Beasly, she's the coolest sister-in-law on the planet. She's the best! The absolute best.\"" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay, so here's what I'm thinking. I'm gonna say that before ceramics class, I took off my ring, and then when I changed back out of my smock, it wasn't in my pocket anymore, and I lost it." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "That's perfect. You know what would be even more hilarious? Remember that thing we did when Jim was in high school with his girlfriend?" }, { "character": "Tom", "line": "Right! That would be hilarious! We should totally dog her, about being an artist, never making any money!" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "That, is awesome!" }, { "character": "Tom", "line": "Like she basically has a hobby, for a job." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Oh yeah." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "So, not the ring then? The- the- Not doing the ring?" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "I think this is better." }, { "character": "Tom", "line": "The other thing would \"get\" Jim." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "This is nicer, it's fun. It's fun!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay, okay." }, { "character": "Tom", "line": "Oh, he hates it when we pick on his girlfriends." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oookay...." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "They came up with that idea really fast." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "This trip was longer than I thought." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Yeah it did look shorter on the map-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ah! Ah! Ahhhh! [waking up] Hey. Whew. Ow. I was having a nightmare." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "You were sleeping? You were talking before." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Was I? Really? Was I saying anything interesting?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Not really." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right. What's the scoop, how far?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Four hours. Almost halfway there." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "We're only halfway?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Halfway! Okay, You know what I want to do, I want to pull over and find little bed and breakfast for when we meet in the middle. Emphasis on the bed. And the breakfast." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Next exit isn't for five miles." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Let's check there." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey guys." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, how are you?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hi! [smooches]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Good to see you." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Nice to see you again, Pam." }, { "character": "Tom", "line": "Pam, I haven't seen you in so, so long!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right so now we can sit... and get comfortable." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "There's nothing out here man." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah. I don't know I just- I imagined a hotel right here. Pool, over here. Really good breakfast place. With really good bacon." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Here we go, fourth time's a charm. \"Life's like a road where you just... one day here, and the next day back...Sometimes you deal with it, today you don't, sometimes you do, what you want... there's a world out there.... [Holly sobs] Hey. Are you crying?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Allergies?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Did Darryl touch you?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "WHAT!?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "No, Darryl did not touch me. Can we just keep going, please? [crying]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "What's the matter?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "It's not gonna work." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sure it is." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "There's too much distance." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh no no no.. It's gonna work, it'll be fine." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Michael we've only been dating each other for a few weeks" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Listen to me. I like you so much." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "And I like you too." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And I've dated four women in the last--" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "I've dated four guys last year too." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Not last - no. In like the last ten years." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I've dated almost four women, and you are so far above them, it is stupid." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Michael. Don't. Don't. Don't make it harder than it has to be." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's what she said." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Holly thinks that this relationship is over. Well, you know what? I am not gonna give up that easy. I'm gonna make this way harder than it needs to be." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Take that down. [Dwight has hung a large red Cornell banner from the ceiling]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Excuse me?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Take. That down." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "You know I once dated a couple of guys from Cornell. They were really nice. They gave me a ride home." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I seriously doubt that anyone from Cornell dated you." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "It's pronounced Ker-nell. It's the highest rank in the military." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It's pronounced \"Corn-ell!\" It's the highest rank in the Ivy League!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Andy, let's just talk about this man-to-man, after work." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Fine." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What do you say?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, good. Can we--- [Dwight pulls out Cornell mascot bobble-head] Grr. Heh heh heh. That's Big Red Bear! That's a bobble Big Red Bear! God!!" } ], [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "If you leave on Friday, by five, you'll be rolling in at... midnight? At best?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "And then sleep in Saturday. That only leaves us less than 24 hours before you have to go back again." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, okay. I will talk to you on the Bluetooth the entire trip. So we're talking constantly all the way." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'll tell you everything that I see. Everything that I pass by, things that I witness on the road." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Well-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Maybe I'll see an accident one weekend?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "How long could we keep that up?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Years!" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Years?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Years? Of just a few hours every weekend?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Here's my wish. I want you to meet a great guy, and I want you to be happy." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "[kisses his temple] Thank you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "My wish has come true, incidentally, because, you've met me, and you are happy." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Clever, Mike." } ], [ { "character": "Tom", "line": "So Pam, how much does an artist make after they leave art school?" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Yeah, not a lot of money in the arts, right?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's not really true. There's a lot of things you can do with an art degree actually." }, { "character": "Tom", "line": "Maybe Pam should pay the check by drawing a picture on this napkin." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow, that's- that's a little rude. What's your deal?" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Hey, just having fun Jimmy." }, { "character": "Tom", "line": "Yeah. Right Pam?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yup! [Tom and Pete give Halpertian looks to camera]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what? I think we're a great couple. I think we're a classic couple. I think we're like Romeo and Juliet. I think we... go together so well. We're like peanut butter and jelly, don't you think?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "I do, I think so." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Then don't do it. Please don't do this. Please don't do this. [they continue arguing]" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[leaving someone a message on his cell phone, looking very uncomfortable] Hey what's up, I just thought I'd try you. I was thinking about that story where you ran into the girl you used to babysit." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't know what I'm gonna do!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Please call me back." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Please?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "You'll be okay" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm not gonna be okay." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Please..." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "You will." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No I won't! I'm not strong! And I'll go back to Jan, and I hate Jan! Oh God!" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[outside men's room] You might be interested- [stops when he sees Stanley come out]" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Dwight!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Andy, I've been meaning to ask you, which a cappella group should I join? The Harmoniacs, or the Do-Re-Mi-Go's?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hm. Assuming you had the voice to be in any of them, it's irrelevant. Because I called admissions and it looks like I, will be conducting your university interview." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's a conflict of interest." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah. Big one. So, should I not let you in now, or do you want to do the interview, and then I won't let you in?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[thinks] Interview." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Excellent. When the hourglass strikes three, then in the room whence employees confer." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "The conference room!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Who are your role models?" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "If I had to put Dwight's chances into a percentage, I would say he has none percent chance." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "So, Dane Cook, Jack Bauer, and Eli Whitney. You're doing great." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh wow. This is my niece Vanessa. She's a trumpeter. And, look at her." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Cute." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That must be really fun for you and Marci huh?" }, { "character": "Tom", "line": "Yup. She only knows how to play \"When the Saints go Marching In.\"" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Love that one." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Yeah but, she doesn't think she's gonna be like, career musician right?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Here you go again! What is your deal today?" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Just saying. How many famous trumpeters can you name besides... Louis Armstrong?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Miles Davis." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "One." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Chet ...something." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Half." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "The point is Pam, is there are jobs-" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Dizzy Gillespie." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Also good." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "And there are hobbies. I love baseball more than anything, but you don't see me try to get on the Mets." }, { "character": "Tom", "line": "You don't!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Pete couldn't make the Mets. She's at Pratt. You played JV baseball. Will you lighten up a little bit?" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "I'm just calling it like I see it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't know if I'm gonna make any money with art." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Pam, don't worry about it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I mean it's a very competitive field. But I have a professor who says I have a lot of promise, and if I don't try now, I never will. So..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Guys, what is going on?! [Pete and Tom burst out in laughter]" }, { "character": "Tom", "line": "We pranked you!" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "It was Pam's idea. Pam was the mastermind." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "... Got you." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "That was killer. I was so close to blowing it." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Let's see how well you know your Big Red history." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Bring it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Who was Cornell's eighth president?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Dale Raymond Corson!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Mm, I'm sorry that's incorrect. Cornell's seventh president was in fact, James A. Perkins. [writes in a notebook] Comprehension skills, sub-par." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hmm, interviewing skills, sub-par. [writes in a notebook]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What are you writing? Can't even give Cornell your full attention?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "On the contrary, I'm helping Cornell. By evaluating their interviewers." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Nobody wants ...that, to happen." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, when they get my evaluation we'll see if they're interested." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "\"Applicant is attempting to blackmail interviewer, showing low moral character.\"" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "\"Interviewer is threatening applicant with an arbitrary review process.\"" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "\"Applicant is wasting everyone's time with stupid and inane accusations.\"" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "\"Interviewer has suspect motives.\"" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "\"Applicant has a head shaped like a trapezoid.\"" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "\"Interviewer has turned off applicant's interest in Cornell, and they are going to go to the vastly superior Dartmouth.\" Ever heard of it? I think I have everything I need." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I have everything I need- [talking over each other]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And you will be hearing from the -" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "And you will be hearing from -" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "-Cornell Application Department," }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "which I will not be a part of-" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And you will not be pleased with the result. [pulls table away from Andy]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "And YOU will not be pleased with the result!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And your affiliation with Cornell -" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "And your affiliation with Cornell -" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Will end completely!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Will end completely!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[has won the table war] That is all sir, you may go." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[Michael and Holly cautiously pass each other] There's another dolly in the truck, Mike. You could take more than that lamp." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "For the record, I wanted go another direction. Which was way better." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, I'll be the judge of that. What do you got?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay. I lost my engagement ring in ceramics class. Left it in my smock. I had this whole thing where I go back to class, wrongly accuse another girl. Look I even used makeup to put a ring around my finger, you can hardly see it, it's very subtle." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That is good." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Truthfully anything would have been better than that prank. [laughs] Oh, text message from my brother. \"Pam cool. Welcome to the family.\"" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh. Hey how about at Thanksgiving we prank Tom about being bald?" } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "This is the last of it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh that's mine actually. Um, maybe put it back in the truck." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You're not staying?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know I have some things I need to do this weekend. I just remembered, so, I'll just ride back with you." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "But you want me to put it back in the truck." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'll be down in just a second. [into house] Holly?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "So um... I think I'm gonna go back with Darryl [Holly hugs Michael] Okay. [they kiss goodbye.] Goodbye." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Okay. Bye." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I know it's hard Mike. Break-ups hurt." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We didn't break up." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Looked like it. Sometimes when I'm down like this, it helps to sing the blues." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[bluesy] Da na na na na... da na na na na..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's a really pretty song." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Da na na na na. No, no, check it out, look. Da na na na na... want to do that?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "That's when you hit me with what's getting you down, okay?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Da na na na na." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Da na na na na." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Da na na na na." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Da na na na na." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "No, wait. You're, you're supposed to... Never mind. Da na na na na." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Da na na na na." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Da na na na na." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Da na na na na." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Da na na na na!!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Da na na na na!!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Da na na na na ." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[deeper] Da na na na na." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yeah! Da na na na na." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[deeper] Da na na na na." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "YEAH! Da na na na na." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[blues singer] Da na na na na..." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[Whistling, enters office in farmer overalls] I thought I'd come in casual today. Man, I'm hungry. Anyone else feel like a beet?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Where did you get those?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What, these? Bernard Farms. Best beets in the state." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I see what you are doing. But I do not know where you are going with this." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well you will. Soon as you visit, my new beet farm. [attempts to bite into a raw beet, beet is too hard] You're supposed to cook these, aren't you?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[scoffs] Cornell. [easily bites into a beet]" } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "We'll miss you." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Well, I'll be around." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[chuckling] Isn't it a seven-hour drive?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "It's not that bad. But if I'm really jonesing to see you guys, I can always fly." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I don't know if it'll be shorter to fly. [Holly gasps] You have to drive to Boston, right? That's an hour and a half. Get there an hour before the flight. Now you're up two and a half hours. The flight to Philadelphia is an hour fifteen. It's another two and a half hour drive to Scranton, assuming there's no traffic, because...." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "[interrupting Oscar] Well, I just want to say goodbye. [hugs Oscar]" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Bye." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Well, Hol, this is it." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Yeah, okay. [extends hand to Kevin]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[outstretches arms for a hug, Holly reluctantly complies]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[whispers in Holly's ear, Holly reacts with horrified look]" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "[pushing Kevin away] Um, yeah, that's not gonna happen." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah, but you have to admit it would be wild." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "So, you're dumping Michael? Smart." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "No, we're gonna do the long-distance thing." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh! You guys are gonna keep dating? That's so romantic!" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Yeah, thanks." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I almost quit my job so I could be closer to Bob, and we're in the same building." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Oh, well....look, we could always call, or email, or write. I should get all your email addresses." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yes, we'll email you, and then you'll have our addresses." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "[talking head] It's a little sad. Michael and I just started dating. He wants me to stay and get a job around here as a baker. Or a baker's helper." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[talking head] This is gonna be awesome. This is gonna be awesome. I've decided that on my drives to Nashua, I am going to learn French, the language of love. And on my drives back, I am going to learn Spanish; what the cleaning crew speaks." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[talking head] I'm driving them up for five times what I would've made at work. I thought I made a good deal. [expression changes from smiling to downcast] Then I realized I'm gonna be trapped in a truck with Mike all day." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[playing cat's cradle with Holly] Okay, am I grabbing this one?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "[chuckling] No, that's not what you're grabbing." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[laughs]" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Put....okay...." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[driving truck] Hey, y'all are not gonna be playing these little private games all the way." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Sorry, Darryl." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "It's like Driving Miss Daisy, you know?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You gotta include me in the conversation." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Fair enough." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "If you don't mind." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, okay. What kind of car games did you play in the 'hood?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I got a game. Cow surfing." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Cow surfing?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Spot a cow, last person to say \"Jackson Five\" has to get on its back and ride it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Were there even cows where you grew up?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Everybody got a government cow." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Cow surfing. [spots a cow out the window] Okay, here we go, there's a cow." }, { "character": "Holly & Darryl", "line": "[in unison] Jackson Five!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, shoot! Okay. All right. All right. [throws up hands] Pull it over. Here we go." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Here we go. Go get him, Mike!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[reaching to open door] I'm gonna do it." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "[grabs Michael's arm] No, Michael. It's not a real game." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Then why did you say \"Jackson Five?\"" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "The man has a point." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Darryl...." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "All right, I made it up." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[visibly shocked] What? Why?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Because I wanted you to like me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[gasps] I do! Hey, come on!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[trying not to laugh] Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jackson Five." } ], [ { "character": "Holly & Michael", "line": "[both laugh hysterically at portable DVD player on dashboard while Darryl drives, looking miserable]" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[makes sudden sharp turn to the left, causing DVD player to fall out open window, then grins to camera]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[rubbing noses with Holly] You're the one." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "No, you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You are." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "You are." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, you are." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "You are more." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[rubs face in exasperation]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're the best." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "You're better." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're better. You're better than my best." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "You're better than betterest." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "[plants kisses all over Michael's face]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Here we go." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Hold your breath!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, Ready?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[setting stopwatch] Go." }, { "character": "Michael & Holly", "line": "[both inhale deeply and lock lips while holding their breath]" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[looks to camera for several seconds] At least it's quiet." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Watch this. Darryl, watch this." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Look, Darryl, lip up." }, { "character": "Michael & Holly", "line": "[kiss each other while puffing their cheeks and mumbling]" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Down, and give me 50!" }, { "character": "Michael & Holly", "line": "[in unison while kissing with mouths closed] One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten!" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Hey, you know what would be fun? Like, sleeping." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You know." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "[hugging Michael] Oh, snuggles!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah. Right, snuggle time." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Snuggles." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "There you go." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[makes squeaking sounds]" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Spooning." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Here's what I was thinking. The following weekend, I drive up." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Mmm hmm." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We get right in the car, we pop up to Montreal. It's like another seven hours." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Ooh!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Speak." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "We could stay in a cozy B&B with a fireplace?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Absolutely. Oh, and you know what, Darryl? You are invited to go as well." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Oh, thanks. Thanks. No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Come on, it'll be fun." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Thank you. Thank you. No." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[emerging from convenience store with two ice cream sundaes] Hey, look at that. Fun, right?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Mmm." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mmm mmm! Remember the 15-scooper we had last week? Wasn't that good? I was Scooperman, you were Scoopy-Doo. Remember what you said? You were laughing." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Say what you said." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "No, Michael. I don't....[mimicking Scooby-Doo] I'm gonna puke!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[laughs] I'll save you! I'm Superman! Scooperman!" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Darryl didn't want any?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I didn't ask." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "We want the same things." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "I know, but from seven hours away." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That is a lucky number. Seven. 7-Up. Seven dwarfs." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Michael...." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Seven deadly sins. It's a sign." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Hey, y'all wanna hear some loud music or something?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "I'm an atheist. Did you know that? I don't know your religion. There are so many conversations that we haven't even had yet." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Hey, look, Pennsylvania license plate! That's crazy! All the way out here! Who can name all the states?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[standing with Holly next to \"Welcome to New Hampshire\" sign] Oh, it's really cold here." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Oh, it's just later." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "[holding camera] Here we go." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[starts to cry] Can we have another? I think I blinked." } ], [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "[unlocking front door] This is me here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, you have your own entrance. That's nice." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Stairs. Oh, man...." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "He's just trying to push your buttons." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I don't care, so it doesn't matter." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Great, then it doesn't matter." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You don't think he could get in, though....right? I mean, I don't care, but I just don't see how he could. I doubt he could get in." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[reverently] He is fiercely intelligent." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I don't care either way, so....shut up." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "He's just...." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[in parking lot on cell phone] Don't tell me to calm down, Dad! [grunts] Don't do that! Oh, God, of all people, I thought you would understand. You're an alum. This guy, he's....he's poking the bear! [listens briefly] Yeah, okay, I'll see you at Thanksgiving. Hi to Mom. Bye." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Why are you doing this to Andy?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You once told me that Andy and I had different strengths. Well, he can't do what I can do. I can get into Cornell, but he doesn't know how to make food and shelter from a golden retriever." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[looks at Dwight disgustedly and sighs] Even if you do somehow get in, that's not going to make me leave Andy." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, but it'll make you respect him less." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[sighs] Yes, that's true." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, sport." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I heard someone got engaged, you dog, huh? [punches Michael's shoulder]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ow! God!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, nothing can hurt you now. You're a man in love!" } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I was there. That dude is not engaged. I'm not a big believer in therapy, but I'll go into my own pocket to cover his co-pay." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Big idea: double wedding. Me, Angela, you, Holly." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, we would never do that. And if we did, it would be with Jim and Pam." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, we'd never do that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, so there you go." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[enters Michael's office] Michael, I got my bridesmaid dress." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, wow, so quickly." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Yeah, and you said I could get it in any color I wanted, so I picked white." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Michael, did you tell your mom yet?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nope. Nope. Not yet." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You wouldn't tell your mom?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "You love your mom." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Call your mom, Michael. [everyone talking]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'll call her later." }, { "character": "Group", "line": "[chanting and clapping] Call her! Call her!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't want to do that. [chanting continues] All right. [picks up phone and dials] She is going to freak out!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[punches button] Speakerphone!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's -- thanks." }, { "character": "Mother", "line": "[on speakerphone] Hello?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mom, I'm getting married." }, { "character": "Mother", "line": "No, you're not." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why do you always do that? Whenever I'm getting married, you don't believe me." }, { "character": "Mother", "line": "Well, are you getting married?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. [laughs]" }, { "character": "Mother", "line": "Are you-- [Michael ends call]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm not, I'm not getting married. So... [laughs] Psych." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "So I returned my bridesmaid dress, and it was on sale, so I'm out $100." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And I'm out a fiancee. Are those the customer surveys?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Yeah, uh, this is all of them: Jim, Dwight, Phyllis, Stanley, Andy and -- oh. Oh, it's the receipt to my bridesmaid dress. What's that doing there? [hands stack of papers to Michael]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'll take care of that for you. [crumples receipt and throws it in trash] Thanks." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Kelly Kapoor is our dusky, exotic customer service rep. And once a year, she will contact our clients and find out how happy they are with our salespeople. Sort of a Kapoor's List. \"Schindler's List\" parody. ... That's not appropriate, no." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Those reports affect our bonuses, which is kind of great for me, because you wouldn't know it from looking at her, but Pam's a gold-digger." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[on Bluetooth speaker] Hey, New York ain't free. Get back to work." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Aww." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's the world's tiniest Bluetooth. I found it in a Japanese gadget store in the village. I got one for Jim, too. Jim, say something." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[on Bluetooth] Testing, testing. Hello, everybody." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We wanted to stay on the phone all day, but the company has a policy against eight-hour personal calls. So we're not telling anyone." }, { "character": "Alex", "line": "Uh, Pam. What do you want on your coffee?" }, { "character": "Jim & Pam", "line": "Sprinkle of cinnamon." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I should go." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alrighty, Dwighty, let's see how you did." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Bring it on. [starts to put foot up on Michael's desk]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Sorry." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wow." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What does it say?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight, your feedback is horrible." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's impossible." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "A number of your clients found your personal style abrasive and distasteful." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I sell more paper than anyone. [stands and reaches for the file]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, no, no, no." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wait, is this a joke? I'm getting that queasy feeling that sometimes accompanies jokes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do I look like I am joking?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, but that's sometimes part of it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "If I were joking, you would be laughing. Do you look like you are laughing?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Impossible to say. I can't see myself." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're not." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yo, Tommy Tuna, did you get your scores yet?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nope." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I got mine. They were really good." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[listening in New York] I miss him." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You must be really proud." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, pretty psyched. Whoa! That's my mug." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, sorry. It was just -- it was right here." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Right, well, it's mine, so if you could pour it out and get another one." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "OK. Or maybe I could finish the coffee that's in here and you could use [finds a mug] uh, oh -- Snoopy." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Don't give him Snoopy. That's mine." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[smiles] It is a great mug. But it's not my mug. That is my mug. So give it back." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "How can you even be sure?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It has my face on it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[holds mug next to Andy's head] Make the face. [Andy smiles] Yeah, I don't see it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Dude, that is my face!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[Dwight slams something on desk] What was that?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow. That was Dwight. He seems upset about something." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Describe him exactly. What color mustard is his shirt? Yellow or Dijon?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It is... more of a spicy brown, actually." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What are you mumbling about?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "How was your meeting with Michael?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "None of your business." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Was it your scores?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Those can't be my scores, Jim. For your information --" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mm-hmm." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm being sabotaged." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Of course." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And I'm going to find that person and punish them." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Absolutely. Or you could just be nice to your customers." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You're an idiot." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "There's the charm." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jimbo, let's do this thang." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That is me. Wish me luck." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No way." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[whispers on bluetooth] Good luck." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thanks." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I didn't say anything" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I love you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I love you, too." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What do you think I am saying to you?!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm not talking to you." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I've caught Jim talking to himself several times today. What a loser. Get a friend, loser." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[on phone] Yeah, I'm looking at it right now. It's really gorgeous. You guys do great work." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I found the best tentist on the east coast. He personally tented Giuliani's first and third weddings. And I got him. [shakes fist] I got him!" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[on phone] Would you be able to do the same design, but with walls of gray? And a top that's gray too? Fabulous." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, come on." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You too?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Did my scores drop a little?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jim, they are a poopy. [Jim coughs, presses button to end call on Bluetooth]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[touches ear] Jim? Jim?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Are we even sure that's my file?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. [glances at it] Yes, I am sure, Jim. It --" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, there's got to be an explanation." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I agree." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So let's see what we can find out from reading. [reads] Jim Halpert is smudge and arrogant." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I think you mean smug" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[points at Jim] Arrogance." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Michael, I'm just trying to --" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And there's our smudgeness." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I need a decent bonus, because I'm actually in the process of buying my parents' house so that they can retire. And if history tells us anything, it's that you can't go wrong buying a house you can't afford. Pam doesn't know about the house, so it's... a fun surprise. [taps Bluetooth earpiece] Pam, sorry about that. I lost you for a second. So, as it turns out, I may not have done so hot on my customer reviews this year." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Maybe it's because you spent the whole year flirting with the receptionist." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "A little bit. ... Worth it." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Here's what's going to happen. I am going to have to fix you, manage you two on a more personal scale, a more micro form of management. Jim, what is that called?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Microgement." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Boom! Yes. Now, Jim is going to be the client. Dwight, you're going to have to sell to him without being aggressive, hostile or difficult. Let's go." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "All right, fine. [picks up phone] Brrring." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[picks up phone] Hello?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hello, this is Dwight Schrute from the Dunder Mifflin Paper Company." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow, that's great, because I need paper." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Excellent, then you are in luck, because we are having a limited-time offer only on everything." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow, this is my lucky day." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[whispers] Ask him his name." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What is your name, sir?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I am Bill Buttlicker." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Really, that's your real name?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "How dare you? My family built this country, by the way." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Be respectful, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes, Michael." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Would you hold on one second? That's my other line." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What? No, but I --" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hello? [laughs] No, I'm just on the phone with this stupid salesman. He's so dumb. Probably just gonna keep him on the line forever and not buy anything. Yeah, OK. [punches button on phone]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's up to you to change his mind." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Sorry. That was a family emergency." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, no. What's wrong?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know what? That's private." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Boundaries, Dwight. Come on!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Sorry, Mr. Buttlicker. As I was saying, we're having a limited--" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Sorry, you're going to have to speak up a little bit louder. I'm hard of hearing." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "He's hard of -- he's an old man. Let's go." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "OK, as I was saying, right now we are having --" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You're gonna have to talk louder." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "OK, our prices have never been lower." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Son, you have to talk louder." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "...never been lower!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Louder, son!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[shouting] Buttlicker! Our prices have never been lower!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Stop it! Stop it!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "He --" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That is totally inappropriate. You never yell at the client. You never yell at the client." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Now, you listen to me, sir." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Here we go." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "The three words I would describe you as is aggressive, hostile and definitely difficult." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Give me the phone." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Please, Mr. Buttlicker --" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm irate right now." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Give me the phone." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Please give me another chance. Mr. Buttlicker." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Give me the phone. Give me the phone." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I have to put you on with my boss." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, I should hope so. [Michael takes phone] Who is this?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hello, this is Michael Scott, regional manager." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, this is William M. Buttlicker." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hello, Mr. Buttlicker. How may we help you?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Michael, I like the sound of your voice. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to buy one million dollars worth of paper products today." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[shakes fist, whispers] Yeah!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[covers phone, whispers to Dwight] See how it's done? [into phone] Thank you very much, sir. I don't think you'll regret it. [to Dwight] See what I did?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You are the master." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "There is one condition, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You have to fire the salesman that treated me so terribly." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Don't do it, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "... [whispers] It's a million-dollar sale." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "So it's called the Shangri-La Tent. It's two stories, heated and has a bridal suite for my bridal sweet. It's just really simple, really tasteful." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I don't want to be married in a tent like a hobo" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hobos live in trains." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Nana Mimi can't be in canvas that long." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well, Nana Mim -- Ahh. OK, look. This tent is awesome. And it's in high demand, so I really think we should put a deposit down now." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "OK fine you can have your tent, but only if it's in a field, a hand-plowed field" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Done and done-er." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "There has to be a barn that's old enough that you can see the stars through the roof slats when you lay on your back. And antique tools to look at when you roll over." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Do you have a specific place in mind?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No. But anything within a five- to eight-mile radius is acceptable." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "On it!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dwight. Dwight. [Dwight's car comes screeching into view]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Get in!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Are you serious?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Get in! [he peels off into parking space]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "OK, what are you --" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Shh. [turns radio up loud, playing \"Centerfold.\"] They might be listening to us." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What's that?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "They might be listening to us" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Who's they?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Customer service might be monitoring this conversation." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "In this car?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You never know. Better safe than sorry." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[turns radio down] What are you thinking?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Who stands to benefit from our downfall?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "The mob, maybe NASA." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Could be the mob. But then Dunder-Mifflin would need to be a front for money laundering, and there's little evidence of that." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Is there some evidence?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[on Bluetooth] Ooh, cute shoes online." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "How many shoes do you need?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I don't know. Two, maybe three if one wears out. How many shoes do you need?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm not talking to you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Who are you talking to?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Pam." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "She's not here, Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, she's not." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[in New York, humming to herself to the tune of \"Centerfold\"] Na na na na na. Na na na na na na na." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[at computer, spins chair around and makes triumphant gesture] Yes!" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I found it. I found the perfect place. A local bed-and-breakfast on a 60-acre beet farm. And even better, I have an in with the owner. Oh, yeah. We work together. It's Dwight Schrute. As in Schrute Farms." } ], [ { "character": "Customer", "line": "[on phone] So I'd like to redouble my order, if you could put me down for, um --" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wait, shut up." }, { "character": "Customer", "line": "I'm sorry?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Shh. Do you hear that?" }, { "character": "Customer", "line": "Hear what?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Breathing. Is that you?" }, { "character": "Customer", "line": "Well, I am breathing, yes." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, stop. Hold your breath. I still hear it. Who's there? Kelly, is that you? Hold on. [puts down phone and runs away]" }, { "character": "Customer", "line": "I need paper." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[jumps into Kelly's area] Ha! [Kelly screams in surprise]" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh, my God. You scared me." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hear anything interesting?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "What are you talking about?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[laughs] I think you know." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "You always say that, and I almost never know." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What are you up to, girl? Huh? Phyllis put you up to this? Stanley? Are they paying you?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Are you accusing me of something?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Of course I am. I know you're the mastermind, but you're too stupid to do it by yourself." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[behind Dwight]: OK." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[surprised] Ah!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Easy." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "OK." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Let's just -- Let's head back to the desk." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "You just can't come into my nook and call me stupid. And maybe if you were a little bit more nice and polite, then people wouldn't give you such bad customer reviews." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The reason that I got bad customer reviews is because I didn't! There is a massive conspiracy going on here, and I know you're involved." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Dwight, get out of my nook!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[in New York] That's what she said! That's what she said! That's what she said!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Good one." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[enters breakroom] Hey. Sorry about Dwight, by the way." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Yeah, he's weird." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, we all handle it differently. I personally choose to handle it like a normal person, but..." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "OK." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, how are you and Darryl?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Um, we're cool. [gets up to leave] Bye." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Bye." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[on Bluetooth] That was weird." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What was?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Have you ever had a conversation with Kelly where she didn't go on for 15 minutes without taking a breath?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, actually." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Did you do something to her?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I don't think so." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, something's off." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, how's things?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Living in the moment." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Do you have any reason to believe that Kelly would be mad at me?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I don't play the politics game anymore, Jim. Can I tell you something? I played it full on in New York. I played it high stakes. For keeps. Made it to the top. But look what it cost. [takes sip of coffee] Can I tell you what else I learned?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wait, that's pretty weird." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, Andy has a mug just like that." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Oh, yeah, Kelly gave them out as party favors. Remember? You got one." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No. What party?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Her America's Got Talent finale party over the summer. [Jim makes face] That's crazy. It was packed. I thought everyone was there. You were there. I remember you being there." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I wasn't. But thank you. [to Pam] Do you know anything about this party?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes, I said you definitely should go, but you wanted to visit me instead." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, I can't be the only one who didn't -- [sees mugs on Angela's and Meredith's desks]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[walks quickly to break room, opens cabinet and finds mugs of Oscar, Creed and Phyllis]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dwight, let me see your coffee cup." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No. [holds Sheriff's Department mug protectively]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Is that it?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No. Why? No. [puts it in desk drawer and slams it shut]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "OK, I'm gonna assume that was it. Here's the thing: I think you're right. I think it was Kelly. I think she's mad at us for not coming to her party." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, man, I knew it. Who are her co-conspirators?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Probably just Kelly." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Obviously. I knew it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's what I'm saying." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah. What?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You were right." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I was -- I was right." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You were right." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I was right." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You knew it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I knew it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You knew it the whole time, buddy." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I knew it the whole time, buddy! [shoves Jim]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah! Woo-hoo!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[in New York] Right Dwight is loud." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I knew it! Yeah! Ha-ha! Woo! [kicks near Phyllis' head; she ducks] Boom! Kelly the whole time. Let's get her." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, no, no, no. Dwight, Dwight, Dwight. Let's talk about this." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "What's going on?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why don't you tell us?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Nothing's going on." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Let me paint you a picture of a little girl from southern India, who despite being welcomed into this country will now spend the rest of her life in prison for a crime she did commit." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight. [to Kelly] I was informed by these gentlemen that the reports that you filed may not entirely be accurate." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "What? I -- I don't know what you're talking about. This is the first I'm hearing about this." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, come on. You juked the stats, cupcake." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "We called about a dozen customers, and they all said that they gave us great marks." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What's going on?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I love your tie, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[looks momentarily flattered, but thinks better of it] Kelly." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I was raped." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You cannot say \"I was raped\" and expect all of your problems to go away, Kelly. Not again. Don't keep doing that. I'll give you one last chance to come clean. Just tell me what happened." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "OK, all right. OK, I did it. All right? I lied, whatever. Just fire me. But you know what? I did it because you guys didn't come to my party, and you said you would try to and then you didn't even show up, and so you're bad friends." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "We have our confession. I'm calling security. [reaches for phone]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Don't. Don't. Get away from that, Dwight, please. You know what? She's got a point about you two. You do have a problem dealing with people." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "See? I wasn't lying." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You were lying." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I was lying." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes. Jim, Dwight, please excuse us." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I want to be here when you fire her ass." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I will call you when it is time. [Jim and Dwight leave]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I have an enormous amount of trouble trying to get people to come to my place. And I hate it. I can't tell you how much leftover guacamole I have ended up eating over the years. I don't even know why I make it in such great quantities. Here's what we're gonna do. We are going to sit here for a while, make it look good. And maybe you should cry. Can you make yourself cry?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "No problem." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I think you should do that. [Kelly starts fake-crying, then laughing, then she and Michael both laugh]" } ], [ { "character": "Alex", "line": "Pam Beesley?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, what are you doing here?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Who's that?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's Alex." }, { "character": "Alex", "line": "It's Pam. Uh, I came to kidnap you. There's free wine and cheese at the Chuck Close retrospective. Let's go." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, that's gonna be great. Who's Chuck Close?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, I love Chuck Close and his photo-realist paintings. But I have to work." }, { "character": "Alex", "line": "Uh, well, actually there's something else I'd love to talk to you about. Can we go somewhere else to talk about it?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "OK." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's it. I want to talk to this guy. Put me in his ear." }, { "character": "Alex", "line": "[in private office] Um." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What's up?" }, { "character": "Alex", "line": "I'm gonna take a big leap and I want to tell you that I think you should not move back to Scranton." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Wow." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm gonna make a bigger leap here. He is into you." }, { "character": "Alex", "line": "Why did you come to New York in the first place?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Because they have a great design program, and I wanted to see if I was any good at it. And I wanted to work on my art, too." }, { "character": "Alex", "line": "Right. And that's why I think that you should stay here. Because I mean, you -- really you just got here, you know? You can't do New York in three months. You know, it has everything. It has -- all the opportunity is here. All the -- the whole art scene is in New York. You know, it would be nuts to go back to Scranton without getting to fully experience it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Jim's in Scranton." }, { "character": "Alex", "line": "I know. But all I'm saying is, if there's even a teeny, tiny part of you that really wants to be an artist, then I think you should stay here, because you don't want to wake up in 50 years and look back and wonder what could have been. And that is the end of my speech. I planned it all. Anyway ... I will see you tomorrow." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'll see you tomorrow." }, { "character": "Alex", "line": "OK. [Pam and Jim look worried]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Is that the Matsuhashi B-400? The world's tiniest Bluetooth? [reaches toward Jim's ear] May I?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Don't." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Congratulations on choosing Schrute Farms for your wedding." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "We haven't decided on anything yet. We're still reviewing some options, and it's gonna come down to the numbers." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, then. Why don't you look over some of our materials? [opens album]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh. Hmm." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[looking at Angela] While I describe to you the Excalibur package. In addition to the breathtaking natural beauty and smell of Schrute Farms, I can promise you that our grounds can be catered to fit your exact specifications. [Angela smiles] I will work tirelessly for you over the coming months and be at your constant disposal. [Andy moves his head into Dwight's view] Please feel free to call or stop by, any time of the day or night." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That's very generous." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "While you, my good friend, have nothing more to worry about. This wedding is officially out of your hands." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, thank the good Lord. Deal! [shakes Dwight's hand]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "OK." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Um, what are we talking price wise?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You already said deal." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Pay him whatever he wants." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Can't argue with that. Dwight ... [takes Angela's hand] You are going to make us so happy. [Dwight and Angela grin at each other]" } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Come on, how did you propose? Spill it. Were you wasted?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "How did I propose, let me see... well, I drove her up to Nashua, and I had the ring, a big 10-carat diamond; it was beautiful. And I got down on my hands and knees, and a shooting star crossed overhead, and it just lit up the diamond like a shooting star. And we were in a restaurant, and I put the diamond into a cheeseburger." }, { "character": "Kevin & Andy", "line": "Ooooh." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And she took a bite, started to choke. So what do I do? I have CPR training. Go around, start doing the Heimlich." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Perfect." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "The ring, 10-carat diamond, pops out of her mouth, hits her shrimp cocktail, right onto her finger. Million-to-one shot. All of the Greek people in the restaurant start screaming \"Opa!\" Which means \"congratulations,\" so..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, man!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[in Jim's ear] Ask how he's doing since the breakup." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "So, how you holdin' up?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm pretty much devastated." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ask if there's anything you can do." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know what you should do? Take a vacation." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Maybe go to Sandals, Jamaica. Or the other Sandals, Jamaica. I just don't want to go by myself." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Tell him you'd like to go with him." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "We should take a look at those surveys." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why are surveys important? Okay, hypothetical: A man wants to buy 500 reams of....carrots. And, so he's like \"What do I do? Where do I go? Do I go to the insensitive carrot supplier, the insensitive carrot salesman? Or do I go to the nice carrot salesman, who will maybe charge a few cents more per ream of carrot, but guarantee next-day delivery on your carrots? Most companies need their carrots the next day. Now, substitute paper for carrots, and that is why surveys are important.\"" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Great marks, Phyllis. [Phyllis walks out of Michael's office smiling]" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "[to Stanley] Hey, I did good too!" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I knew it. Haha! [they high five]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[hand up, seeking a high five] Up! Don't leave me hangin'! [they do]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What do I do with my bonus check? [scoffs] Simple. Purchase paper from myself. Boosts my sales, which boosts my bonus. Last year I bought even more paper to make this year's bonus even bigger. Eventually, I'll get a bonus so big I can retire on it. And I'll use the paper to write my memoirs." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I taught Jim and Dwight everything I know about sales. But there are certain things that cannot be taught, and it is these things that I now must teach them." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Attention, all problem sales persons. Jim Halpert... Dwight Schrute..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[raises hand] Here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Intensive one-on-one retraining will begin after lunch. That is all." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I am no longer the worst salesman in the office. Yes! [Andy gestures excitedly, knocking over his coffee mug] Ow! Dammit!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dwight and I are both writing letters to our clients. I'm just sending a quick note to say how much I appreciate their business, and he is writing notarized letters to inform them them that lying on customer reviews is a prosecutable form of fraud and defamation. It's just... different styles." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "My job is to manipulate the customer into buying paper. In return, they give me money. I am the predator and they are the prey. Would a mouse give a positive review to a hawk? Should the hawk even care? [sighs heavily, nearly starts to cry] Excuse me, I've got work to do." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[laughs heartily and passes a newspaper to Phyllis]" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "[laughing] It's good!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey, what are you laughing at?" }, { "character": "Stanley & Phyllis", "line": "[continue to laugh]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Are you laughing at me?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "We're laughing at this cartoon! [passes newspaper to Dwight]" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Perfect, isn't it?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[looks at cartoon] How is that funny? What are you really laughing at? Huh?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Haven't you been following the news? Ther university is using its non-profit status to fund its private real estate investments." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[laughing louder] And he really nailed them on it. Somebody's finally holding them accountable!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[looking at cartoon] There's no way you're laughing at this." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[peering nervously through conference room window] Oh, I don't have anything to say. I'm just hiding from Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[is seen taking apart his phone receiver to check for listening devices]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's good to be paranoid. People need to be more paranoid. Case in point, JFK. If I had been JFK, I would have seen all three gunmen. I would have pulled out my concealed Luger and fired first. Man in book depository, BOOM! Grassy knoll, BOOM! Fake Jackie, BOOM! [pretends to kiss, then shoot imaginary person to his left] Then I shoot myself, so I don't change history and create a paradox. BOOM! But right at the last minute, [contorts head sideways] I twist out of the way of the bullet. Nice try, history. Better luck next year." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "So, as it turns out, Dwight is right. How bizarre." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[in Jim's ear] I wonder what else Dwight's been right about...." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Major pharmaceuticals do not want you to know that beet juice has medicinal value both as an aphrodisiac and a laxative." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The Scranton Zoning Board has a strong bias against beet farmers. The mayor is in the pocket of Big Lettuce." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Battlestar Galactica isn't a documentary exactly." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The book All The President's Men is about a conspiracy, just not the one people think." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jesus had a daughter, and she was the Mona Lisa." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What we have come to know as fake crab meat is in fact real crab meat, and real crab meat is lobster." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Did you know that in Morocco it is common to exchange a small gift when meeting somebody for the first time? In Japan you must always commit suicide to avoid embarrassment. In Italy you must always wash your hands after going to the bathroom. This is considered to be polite." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Why are you telling us this?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am jetting off on an international business trip." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Where are you going?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "To Can-A-da." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Where is it?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Canada." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "My boss is sending me abroad to do a presentation to an international client and I have always been intrigued by all things international. The women, the pancakes, the man of mystery..." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Meredith, I would like you to pretend that you are from Abu Dhabi." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "[British accent] Hello." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am ashamed at your naked face. I must cover it with my jacket. [covers Meredith's face with his jacket] You are now sexy in your culture." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "T minus..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Six point five days. [winces as Kevin smacks him on the back]" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "[walks up behind Jim and puts his hands on his shoulders] One more week." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Pam comes back from New York next week and everyone here has just been so excited for me. And involved. And intrusive. And weird." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "On more week. [chuckles]" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Heh heh. [Jim gives camera an odd look]" } ], [ { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "[on speakerphone] Do you have your passport?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I have my passport. [pats jacket pocket]" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Got your per diem?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I have my per diem. [holds up money] I already know what I am going to spend this on. I am going to buy a sweater." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Michael, the... that's for your food." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well I'll just... I'll use different money for that." } ], [ { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "I was happy to send Michael on this trip. He's been feeling pretty down since we had to transfer Holly up to New Hampshire. But this little perk really seemed to turn him around. [chuckling] And it's pretty tough to find somebody who wants to go up to Winnipeg mid-November." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "And business class air, like a five-star hotel in the sky, nothing but the best. Actually better than a five-star hotel 'cause you get a big, cushy seat and you sit in a row of people and to eat, whatever the mind can imagine. I think I am going to have a filet with mushroom sauce." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Well, I'm just glad to know you're happy because you know I felt bad." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well that is all in the past." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "And in terms of nightlife, when you get there just ask the concierge." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "They have one of those?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[in a singsong voice] Lets do this!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wait, why do you need three suitcases?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Two are for souvenirs." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Do you have your money belt?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I do. It's right here. [indicates to waist]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, no, no, no, no. You want to wear that puppy right up on the breastbone like a bra. [demonstrates]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I don't want to wear a bra." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Here, let me help you. [reaches for Michael's money belt]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Stop it! Stop it!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Do you want to get robbed in a foreign country? I wash my hands of this." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. Where is my translator?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Monsieur." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "There he is." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'm just bidding a bon voyage a La Mon Petit fiancee. Translation: Goodbye my petite fiancee. [chuckles]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Be good." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I will try." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Meaning what?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Meaning I will try to get other dudes laid." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah baby! That's what I'm talking about. That could be you [points at Jim] if you hadn't forgotten French. Where is my numbers man?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "There we go. Our town car awaits." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "It's just a van." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Its not just a van." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Look, I know my way around a van. That is just a van." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight, can you get those please?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[sighs and picks up Michael's empty suitcases]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[on airplane] Welcome to Cribs-the business class edition. Check this out. Mimosa." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ah... sweet!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Handed to me as I sat down. This was my hot towel. It is still wet." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Michael Gary Scott rolling like a pimp!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Take a sip of that. [hands Andy his mimosa]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Mmmhmmm..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That good?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Mmmm..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Don't drink all of it. Give some to Oscar." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That's really good. [offers mimosa to Oscar]" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I'm good." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You want one of your own? I can hook you up." }, { "character": "Stewardess", "line": "I'm sorry. You'll need to keep moving." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, this is Beth. This is my personal valet/flight attendant and she will be helping me this morning." }, { "character": "Beth", "line": "We need to keep the isle clear." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Get back, get back. Come on, get back to the slums." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh boy. [follows Oscar back to coach]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[whisper] Hey... guys, check it out. My own personal DVD player and 20 movies." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[whispers] Andy brought one too." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[loudly] Harry and the Henderson's" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Shhhh! Keep it down." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I made egg salad sandwiches. Do you want one? [holds up sandwich]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Could you have picked something stinkier to bring on a plane? [Andy laughs] My God, Oscar. Really? Do you have a bag of baby poop in there too, to share with everybody? No, I will be ordering my own food, thank you very much." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[to stewardess] Hi." }, { "character": "Beth", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um. I'd like to see a menu please." }, { "character": "Beth", "line": "Oh, I'm sorry. There are no meals on flights less than two hours." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh... okay. [looks back at Andy and Oscar] Doesn't matter, because I am going to take a nap. I think I am going to use my complimentary blindfold. I will don it... and oh! Look at that. I can't see because I am in a-- [cart crashes into Michael's leg] GAH!" }, { "character": "Beth", "line": "What would you like to drink?" } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[walks into Kelly's cubicle and sets a box down on the desk] Just checking out where I'm going to be pretty soon. When Pam gets back. Gonna be close quarters. Gonna be a lot of tension." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "For you. I'm with Darryl." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "This looks like where I'll probably do my pushups every day. [gets on floor and starts doing pushups]" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Is that supposed to impress me? [Ryan starts trying to do one-armed pushups]" } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[talking head] No. Not going to happen. He has hurt me too much and too often. And I am in a healthy relationship so I'm not gonna flaunt it and I'm not gonna hurt him, but that door is closed." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[making out with Ryan on her desk] What are we doing? This is so wrong." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah... Mmmmm..." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[going up escalator in the hotel] This is nice. This is nice. Move in here. Very sweet... ah." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I'll check us in." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Very cool." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Very cool." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "We are going to find out where the action is, my friend." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Where's the concierge?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes! Wallace said there would be one of those." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Mmm... bingo! [indicates towards concierge desk] Follow moi, bro-sieur." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wow!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[to concierge] What about a nice sushi place? Maybe a place with a view?" }, { "character": "Concierge", "line": "Tsk... Oh. Matsuki. That's a good one. Uh, you may walk there if you wish or you man take the number seventeen bus until 9:00. Other than that you can take the taxi and the number is right there." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wow! Wow, I am blown away by this. I, um... I--ah! This is great, thank you!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "One final question. Where might you find yourself on a Winnipeg night like tonight?" }, { "character": "Concierge", "line": "Oh, the Huntsman is good." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[nodding towards Michael] The Huntsman." }, { "character": "Concierge", "line": "Down here... the financial district." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "A concierge is like the Winnipeg equivalent of a geisha. This is a woman who has been trained in the fine art of fanciness and pleasure. And when you meet one, it is intoxicating. Just what the doctor ordered." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[at school in NYC] Can't believe this. [pulls out cell phone... sighs]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[in office] Are you sure?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[over the phone] I just talked to my advisor. Failing." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow. I thought you were good at Flash." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I was, and then they switched to Acrobat just as I was learning Quark. I hate computers." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, okay, it's no big deal. So you're not a computer geek." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I have to stay and retake it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[looks shocked] W---Wow. Um. Well... okay." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That means another twelve weeks. [pause] Can you do this for another three months?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It's not--- It's not about me. I mean, this your dream." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[over phone] I know." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And you went to New York to do this. So when you come back you come back the right way. Right?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[starting to cry] Right." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[concerned look on face] You okay?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[over phone] Yeah I'm fine. Um... my cell phone battery's low, so I have to let you go." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Alright." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[over phone] Love you. Bye." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Love you too. [hangs up phone, Pam sits on a bench crying]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Guys, she's in there." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Engaging wings [imitates mechanical sound]" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I'm probably going to leave after one drink." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Let's do this." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah with a hot slab of Canadian bacon in your hand." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[goes up to concierge from the hotel] Excuse me, hello. Concierge Marie. Michael Scott. Good to see you again." }, { "character": "Marie", "line": "Good to see you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um, this is my associate uh, from Dunder Mifflin, uh, Oscar Martinez." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Nice to meet you. [shakes Marie's hand]" }, { "character": "Marie", "line": "Oscar." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Works in accounting. This is uh, concierge Marie..." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "...who works at our hotel. You look, how do you say, radiant tonight." }, { "character": "Marie", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And it is, how do you say, a beautiful night---" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Michael, why?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "She's foreign. I am--" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "For Madame et monsieur. [hands Michael and Marie a glass of wine]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, thank you." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You're welcome." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you, Andy." }, { "character": "Marie", "line": "Thank you?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Let me get a picture of you guys." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Everyone is going to end up dying someday. And I think it's better to die with people you like... like Oscar, and Andy, and concierge Marie... than to know that there's somebody out there that you love that you're not with." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Alright, I've scoped out the joint. Those two dudes are as good as naked." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "How do you even know they're gay?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Come on! It's Dandy Dale and Foppy McGee over there. [turns to bartender] Mademoiselle! Beer me dos Long Island iced teas s'ill vous plait. [to Oscar] Bad decision in a glass." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I don't care if you're gay, straight, engaged... whatever. A guy needs intercourse." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "You'll thank me when they spank thee." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Don't do this. [watches Andy take drinks to the other table]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Do you guys like apples?" }, { "character": "Guy at table", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Do you like apples?" }, { "character": "Guy at table", "line": "Uh, sorry... what?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well, how do you like these apples? [sets drinks on table] Alright, on a scale of 1 - 10, how hot is that dude? [indicates towards Oscar who waves slightly]" }, { "character": "Guy at table", "line": "Is he your boyfriend or something?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No, but he could be yours if you play your cards right." }, { "character": "Guy", "line": "Dude, leave us alone alright?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Gentleman. [walks away]" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Dude, you struck out. They're totally stuck up. Here... drink up." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "How about this one? It's Christmas eve---" }, { "character": "Concierge Marie", "line": "Mmm-hmmm..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "---and everything's closed and you need to get some dry cleaning done. 12:00 midnight. Where do you go? What do you do? What do you do? Come on! What do you do?" }, { "character": "Marie", "line": "Uh...A stro cleaners on St. Johns place is the only place open on that day." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Unbelievable! Unbelievable." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "If you don't mind me asking---" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Anything. You can ask me anything." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'm your wingman." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Its just that I've sat next to Angela for a very long, very long time." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Right-o." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "How could anyone stand that woman?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What do you see in her? Wh -- what do you see in Angela?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What do I see in Angela?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I want to know." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I see through a hard exterior to a little jelly in the middle. She is teaching me to be a better person. And she's working really hard on that. And she has the softest skin I've ever seen and I can't wait to have sex with her." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You haven't had sex?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Y--Are you guys waiting to get married, or?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Honestly, I don't know what we're waiting for." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Andy, something is wrong with that woman." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What is wrong with her?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I'd like to know. You should call her and ask her. I'd like to know what's wrong with her." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I should call her and ask her. What is wrong with her?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Do it! It's a--- Call her! [Andy holds up phone] Oh my God, don't call her! Don't call her, Andy. [giggling] Andy, don't call her!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Too late, too late. It's dialing... now it's ringing. [Oscar laughs] Shh..." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[on phone] Hello? Hello?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What is wrong with you?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Why won't you do Andy?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That was Oscar and he wants to know why you won't do me and I think it's a valid question." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Are you drunk?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "This is Andy Bernard!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I know who this is!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I wanna take you to sex school." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[over phone] Who is that monkey?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Is somebody there?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Are you drunk?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I have needs." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "We will discuss this later." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Naked." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "We'll discuss it later naked. I want to see you naked." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[standing outside hotel room... whispering] Do you want to get some breakfast or something?" }, { "character": "Concierge Marie", "line": "I am so tired." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[noticing that everyone is giving him a sympathetic look] How does everyone know already?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Know what?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Pam failed art school." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, well, doesn't surprise me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Excuse me?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Have you seen her painting, Jim? The building? There are shadows coming from two different directions." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Dwight, stop it." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What? Are there two suns?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Come on." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Oh my God." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Last I checked, that's not an office building in the Andromeda galaxy." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm gonna grab a cup of coffee." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's totally unrealistic. There are no lines in the parking lot." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oscar" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That was fun last night." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Yeah, it was." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You know, it's true what they say--- Long Island iced teas are way stronger in Canada." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Hey, um... thanks for trying to hook me up." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You kidding me? It's what I do. Get the whole nine 'nards. [Oscar laughs]" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I can't believe we called her up. [both laugh]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Totally. [continues laughing] What--- Who?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I'm talking about Angela. I can't believe we called her up last night." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "We called Angela?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You--- you call--- you called her." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That was real?! I thought I dreamed that. Oh, God!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Alright." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, God!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "So bad!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Good morning, Michael. [Michael approaches table] Are you ready for the meeting?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Slept like a baby." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Mmmm.... mmm. This can't happen again." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "This has to happen again. Darryl can't happen again. Look at me. Do you want me to do more push-ups?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Okay. You have to break up with Darryl. I already typed out a text message for you. All you have to do is press \"send\"." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I don't know. I mean, it's well-written and all, I just---" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Has to be done. We'll press send together. [phone beeps]" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh my God. He's going to kill us." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I'd like to see him try. [kisses Kelly... cell phone beeps]" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh! He says it's cool. [laughs] He said, \"It's cool\"." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "That's all he wrote?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "That's all he wrote." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Can I see it?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Mmm hmm." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Didn't you two date for like a long time?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Mmm hmm. It's like a fairy tale! [grabs Ryan and kisses him] Mmmm..." } ], [ { "character": "Client", "line": "I'll be honest with you--- we've been talking with Catalyst Paper. Their prices are better than yours." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Look, people continue to come back to us time and time again because they feel cared for here. They feel respected and they feel that their needs matter. They are treated like human beings. [sighs]" }, { "character": "Client", "line": "Everything okay?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh man, she is so pissed. [sitting down by Oscar]" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Mmm..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "She's taking us back to first base." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What is first base with Angela?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I get to kiss her forehead. [looks at Oscar] I had a good time hanging out this weekend." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I had a good time too." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Wingman for life. W.M.F.L" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You up for a chest bump?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Bro hug? [Oscar shakes head... then sticks his hand out and Andy shakes it] Back to basics. I like it." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I had to go all the way to Canada to get to know a guy who sits 20 feet away from me. And he's delightful! [laughs]" } ], [ { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "[on phone] Hey! I just heard you guys made the sale." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, we locked him up for two years." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Good, very good. See, told you. Sounds like somebody had a good trip." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. Actually the trip sucked." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Excuse me?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "The trip sucked, David. It blew chunks. It was terrible. It was a bad trip." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "What are you talking about?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I did not like the trip. Well, starting with her airport shuttle which was basically just a van." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And business class which was basically just coach. And the hotel which sucked big time." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "The hotel? What, M--- okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It was not, it sucked." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "I'm sorry to hear the hotel was bad." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh and thanks for the tip on the concerige. That was great. That was great. That was--- that was a---" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Okay, okay. Hey, hey, hey." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That was a really good choice." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Michael, please lets listen for a second." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, David. You listen to me. Why did you send her away? That--- God. You knew I liked her and you just sent her away. And that--- that was a sucky thing to do man." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Michael, sometimes---" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That was a really sucky thing to do." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Sometimes, we-- [Michael hangs up phone]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why have I stayed at Dunder Mifflin for so long? Certainly not because of the paycheck. 'Cause I could be making more money as a doctor or a professional athlete. I think it's because they respect me. A boss that will not fire you, even though you just tell him off... right to his face... over the hone. That's respect." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "You did it, man. [fist bumps Jim] Day one. Congrats." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thanks man." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm coming back the wrong way. [smiles at Jim across the parking lot] It's not because of you. I don't like graphic design. That's it. [laughs] Stop smiling. I really didn't like it. It's just designing logos and stuff.... and I miss Scranton. But it is not because I missed you. I just really wanted to come home... and I know you said to come home the right way, but you can't tell me what to do. Got it?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I missed you." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I missed you too. [Jim kisses her]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You're back." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Uh, yeah." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Good. I need you to make five copies of these. [hands Pam papers]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm not going inside." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Alright. First thing in the morning then." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Welcome back." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "We're back together again baby." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "We're back." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "They tried to keep us apart, but they couldnt. It was like destiny." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I--- I realized that for whatever reason I... just couldn't do better than kelly." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[whispers] Yeah." } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Are you swallowing them whole? You're eating them so fast, are they even touching your tongue?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[with mouth full] Yes." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Brownies is it? Hm. Pastry cubes made of sugar and fat? No thank you, I'll stick with my jerkie." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "So why did you come in here?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "To socialize. And inform." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh brownies! I'm taking two so I can parcel them up and eat them at my leisure later on, much healthier." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "You're taking two?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Yeah, um, but one of them is for Toby." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah why don't you send that to him in Costa Rica?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Um, I'm just gonna hand it to him right now." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Heh, okay, weirdo." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Why is that, why is that weird?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "She said she was going to give it to him right now. [starts laughing]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[laughing] She's probably going to, cause they sit next to each other." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, they used to." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Toby works here again." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, can you imagine?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh no." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uhhgh." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You don't know." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't know. What?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You should probably just meander back there; take a look. See if he's, see if he's back." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hmmm, dare I? [laughs] You know what? I'm going to, for old time's sake. [walks to the annex, standing in Toby's cubicle] Great practical joke Jim, you got me to go to the annex. [turns around and sees Toby]" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Hi, Micha-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "NOOOO! GOD! No, God, please no! No! No! NOOO!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[watching Toby at Phyllis' desk through his office blinds] Look at him. With his stupid face. Stupid... tan. No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "He looks great." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well rested." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "He looks worse." } ], [ { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Michael, is everyone okay?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh, well I'm afraid not. Toby Flenderson, of H.R., has made a sudden reappearance." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "I don't understand, is anyone hurt?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Not on the surface, no, but I can tell people are disturbed, David." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Michael, you texted me, 911 CALL ME." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "All in caps. Do you know what 911 means?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I learned a while back that if I don't text 911 people will not return my calls. Um, but now people always return my calls because they think that something horrible has happened." } ], [ { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Now what I'm curious about is how you were able to go an entire a week without knowing a member of your staff was there." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I did not want to go back to the annex because that is where Holly worked whom I loved." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Also, it's icky back there." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's true. People say it's icky." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Okay, I have to go." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "David, wait." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Is there no way we can get rid of him?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Not without cause, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I have cause. It is be-cause I hate him." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "You have to get along with Toby." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Yep." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Goodbye, Michael. [hangs up]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Dwight comes over, starts to massage Michael's shoulders] Don't do that." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[pours something from the fridge into a bowl and opens the microwave, it is covered in exploded food] Oh, come on! [to the documentary crew] Do you see this? Disgusting." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "So, Tunes, you still gonna buy your old man's place?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, I am. Wait, how do you know that? I didn't tell you that." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ehhh no, I was just walking by your desk. I saw some email. I got peepers of an eagle." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's really not cool." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Kaaw!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "So Jim, you're gonna live in the same house that you used to pee the bed in?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, I guess technically Kev, you're right." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Today's a big day. Today's the day that I show Pam the house that I bought for us. Without telling her. But it's my parent's house, the house I grew up in and yeah, I bought it kind of impulsively. I mean, the price was good and I was helping out my mom. It's got shag carpets. I mean you can't blame my parents it was the 70's. And why would you want to buy ugly wood from trees when you can have paneling? And a painting of some creepy clowns that is apparently crucial to the structural integrity of the building. [tugs and pulls in vain at the clown painting] She's gonna love it. Right?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Could you guys all do me a favor and not talk about this until I tell Pam?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Whoa, you haven't told the misses about the castle? You're in for a spanking my friend. Myself and my lady? - no secrets." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Jim, don't listen to Andy. I think it's so romantic." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh thanks, Phyllis." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Where's your place?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, it's on uh Linden Ave? By the quarry?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Ohhh..." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Cool beans, man, I live by the quarry. We should hang out by the quarry and throw things down there." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Definitely we should." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[reading from a note on the microwave] \"To whoever made the microwave mess: the microwave is a shared kitchen appliance. By not cleaning it up you are basically telling whoever follows that their time is less valuable, as they will have to scrub out your disgusting splatter. Sincerely, disappointed.\"" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That is just obnoxious." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "No kidding." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah. Wait, what, the mess or the note?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "The note. So \"holier than thou\"." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Hmm, I liked it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Don't you think the person who left the mess is the obnoxious one?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No, the note is way more obnoxious than the mess." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Sincerely, disappointed? Get off your high horse, Richie." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Just because someone likes things clean, doesn't mean they're rich." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Yeh, they're rich." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "You want to see some really high caliber acting? Well, Mr. Kurt Russell, you are about to be served. [walks to the annex] Hey Toby, great to have you back, man. Seriously, just a, just a real pleasure to see you again." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Well thanks Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're welcome. Missed you. Missed you as part of our family." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Well that's sweet, I missed you guys too." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So Costa Rica that was - did you have fun? That must have been fun." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Well, um, it was amazing. It really was, thanks for asking. Um the beaches were pristine..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nice beaches, pristine beaches?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "...and, yeah, the whole thing was incredibly cathartic." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why'd you come back? Why didn't you stay?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "It was actually kind of hard to meet people I found." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I bet, for you." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "And uh, yeah, plus it was hot." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[shifting uncomfortably and sweating] Shhh hot, why didn't you get an air-condition--- should have gotten an air-conditioner for yourself." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Are you all right, Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, I am. I am." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I tried, I tried. I tried to talk to Toby and be his friend but that is like trying to be friends with an evil... snail. I feel like I'm dying inside. I feel like Neve Campbell in Sream II. She thinks she can go off to college and be happy and then, the murderer comes back and starts killing off all of her friends. I learned a lot of lessons from that movie, this is just one of them." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, just summarize." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, fireable offenses include: workplace violence and sexual harassment." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's it, that's it, perfect. We will get him to hit on somebody, and then we will catch him in the act." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I love catching people in the act. That's why I always whip open doors." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mm. Me too. Okay, let's get this started." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay [stands up removes jacket and starts loosening his tie]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[removes glasses] I am the bait." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "For what?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Men find me desirable." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, no." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, it's a good day too. I'm wearing my mustard shirt." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're the bait for Toby?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Mmhmm." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, for one thing, he's not gay. And if somebody were to be bait it would be Jim. Or Ryan. Or me." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Men find me desirable." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, sure they do, Dwight." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "When it comes down to it, it's a health issue. I should have written that." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mmhmm, yeah." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[looks up] Why aren't you as mad or interested in this as me?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh totally. Sorry, are we talking about the microwave still?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Are you inching away from me?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Reach your arms out." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[laughs and swings his arm out which doesn't come close to touching the reception desk] I'm always this close." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pamtown lady sing this song, doo-dah doo-dah. Hello, Pam. Jim may I have a moment with Pam please." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes, I just have to take this call anyway so..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, oooh his mistress. No. I'm kidding. No one would ever cheat on you; you are the complete package, Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What do you need, Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, what I would like you to do is take this folded note, and deliver it to Toby Flenderson? I just want you to just react to whatever this note elicits. Do not read it beforehand. Can you do that for me?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good. [Pam stands up and starts reading note] N-no no no, don't." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "\"Please hug and kiss me, no matter how hard I struggle. I'm too shy to tell you that I love you.\"" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam. Pam, you gave me your word." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[kissing Kelly against her desk] You did that for me?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Mmhmm." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Are you happy you did?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Hey guys that's really inappropriate." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[kisses for a little longer] What's up?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um, I got some photos from Costa Rica if you want to see them?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah, yeah I'll see them." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Toby can I see those? Ooh. [takes photos and throws them on the floor] What's the matter? What's the matter? You scared?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Those are fighting words." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You mad? You mad at me?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I hope he doesn't haul off and just hit you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do you want to do that? You want to hit me, you want to punch me?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hmmm?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Huh? He might do it..." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Punch him, Toby!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I dare you to. Come on." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Come on. [making karate moves] Baaah!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What's the matter... haaaww!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hit him! Hit him, Chicken." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah, punch him." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey hey! Come on, Ryan, who's side are you on?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ryan. Come on, man?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No do it, do it. I dare you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Punch him as hard as you possibly can in the face." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Not, not as hard as you can, just a good, solid punch. Come on! Come oooon..." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I'm not going to punch you, Michael." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Are you really not going to punch him?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "No, why would I punch you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Son of a bitch." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[as Toby picks up his photos] You should have hit him man, guy was asking for it. Once in a lifetime, man." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I thought you were going to parcel those out through the day" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[mouth full of brownie] Just stop it. You haven't done anything helpful all day." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "There's still one thing we could do to get Toby fired." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What's that?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[goes over and closes office door] Frame him, for using drugs." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Frame him?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, it's illegal, but... everything they do on The Shield is illegal." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I've never framed a man before, have you?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh I've framed animals before. I framed a raccoon for opening a Christmas present. And I framed a bear for eating out of the garbage." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just seems awfully mean. But sometimes the ends justify the mean." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hello. I've seen you guys around. I'm Michael Scott, Dunder Mifflin. How you doing? [they stare at him] Uhghh, so I guess you know why I'm here? I need to purchase something." }, { "character": "Vance Refrigeration guy", "line": "A fridge?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. Uh, I wanted--- I wanted to buy some weed? Some..." }, { "character": "Vance Refrigeration guy", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Grass, weed?" }, { "character": "Leo", "line": "What makes you think we'd have weed?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I heard you drug--- I heard you dealt." }, { "character": "Vance Refrigeration Guy", "line": "[whispers in Leo's ear] Hey, just hold on one second." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm not wearing a wire, so..." }, { "character": "Leo", "line": "Why would you even say that?" }, { "character": "Vance Refrigeration Guy", "line": "[comes back up to Michael] Hey, that's gonna be 500 dollars." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "How much? How many pounds is it?" }, { "character": "Vance Refrigeration Guy", "line": "It's- it's two pounds. I'm losing money on this man just, give me the money. Alright, walk away." }, { "character": "Leo", "line": "Walk away." }, { "character": "Vance Refrigeration Guy", "line": "Walk away." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Hey, Pam? I just wanted to let you know; I'm totally on your side with the whole microwave situation." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I was just back there, to make some cup-o-soup; the thing is still a huge mess." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I know, can you believe it?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah, it's crazy. But, I guess the thing is at some point, notes or no notes, someone's gonna have to just get there and clean it up." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I guess that's why we have a temp, huh?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Ah ha ha, oh no, trust me. I would just make it worse." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "How would wiping it with a paper towel make it worse?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I--- I would find a way." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You've seen things cleaned before though, right?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I--- Pam, I am hopeless at that stuff I... I, uh..." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Hi, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, hey, hey. Hey. I forgot... I forgot..." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[on a cell phone in the hallway] Yes, I repeat a drug dealer is on the premisis of Dunder Mifflin. His name is Toby Flenderson [Michael opens Toby's desk drawer and puts something in it] and he recently returned from a mysterious vacation in Central America. I have risked a great deal to tell you this information. My name is Andy Bernard. Andrew Bernard, that's my name. See you soon." } ], [ { "character": "Police Officer 1", "line": "Hi, we received a call?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't know anything about that." }, { "character": "Police Officer 1", "line": "We were tipped off about a possible narcotics situation." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Here?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey, Pam. Hey I got this, okay? Hello, officers, Dwight Schrute, former volunteer Sheriff's Deputy. Listen, I may have inside information that someone is hiding drugs in this very office. [leads them back towards the annex as Creed stands up and starts to put him hands up and then relaxes them behind his ears]" } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "Just pretend like we're talking until the cops leave." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Those are real cops, real guns. I wonder what's going on. [follows them]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Officers, I reveal to you the perpetrator." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Hey, what is this?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Search his things." }, { "character": "Police Officer 2", "line": "Sir, can you step away from your desk please?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Why?" }, { "character": "Police Officer 2", "line": "Sir, please step away from your desk." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Hey, what's going on? You don't have my permission to do this." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "They don't need your permission, Flenderson, they've got the company's permission." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Hey, hey what are- why are you doing this?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh, you know what? I think that this... uh, this is probably a misunderstanding." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Don't search my stuff." }, { "character": "Police Officer 1", "line": "Sir?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I have a reasonable right to privacy." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Save your whining for the jury there, Flenderson." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Michael!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, let's just cancel this, okay?" }, { "character": "Police Officer 1", "line": "Sir, did you recently return from a trip to Central America?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Oh my God!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no no no... No, no." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "That was... I went to Costa Rica for a few months. What is going on?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, that was... that was legitimate. That was totally legitimate." }, { "character": "Police Officer 1", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Police Officer 2", "line": "Check this out." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh God!" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "That is not mine. I have never seen that before." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no no no no." }, { "character": "Police Officer 1", "line": "Turn around." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "What is going on here?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "God! No, that's not... I don't know what that is. And I... I bet he has nothing to do with that!" }, { "character": "Police Officer 1", "line": "Do you have any weapons?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Of course not!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ahh, that's mine." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No! Michael, no!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, it's mine." }, { "character": "Police Officer 2", "line": "Some basil. Salad dressing, I think." }, { "character": "Police Officer 1", "line": "Salad dressing?" }, { "character": "Police Officer 2", "line": "Yeah it's, uh, a caprese salad. There's a little bit of, uh, mozerella right there." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Are you kidding me? That's my salad." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So wait a minute, there's no drugs?" }, { "character": "Police Officer 2", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Gahh, dammit! [punches file cabinet] Come on!" }, { "character": "Police Officer 1", "line": "We got a fake tip." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wait, officers, are you sure you don't want to interrogate him?" }, { "character": "Police Officer 1", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[following them out] You have laws that protect you in any kind of interrogation. Why don't you use them?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You must feel pretty good about yourself right now." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I didn't put caprese salad in my drawer, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hmm." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Did you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Since when is it illegal to put caprese salad... anywhere." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "You know but the police could have been out there you know, catching real criminals instead of here searching my stuff." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me, that's who you're worried about? You're... you're worried about the cop's time? You think I framed you, and you're worried about the taxpayer? Dah, God! Welcome back, jerky jerk-face." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "You said you were leaving and you made liars out of all of us. So..." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I did leave." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, you did. And then you came back, which makes you the biggest liar of... history." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Well, I don't see it that way." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do you want to hear a lie?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I think you're great. You're my best friend." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[stops kissing Kelly] I can't do this." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Can't do what?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "It's not fair to you. And it's really not fair to me." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Wait, what are you saying? I broke up with Darryl so I could be with you." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "That was your choice; don't put that on me. I'm just going on a little trip." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh, can I come?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "It's not that kind of trip. I'm going to Thailand with some friends from high school, well, a high school. And if I don't do it now I'll never get to go. And I'll always resent you for it... you don't want me to resent you, do you?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "So you're dumping me?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Let's be adults about this. Let's have sex one more time. And if you have any extra cash, that would be amazing." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Okay?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[walking out of the building] Hey, do you mind if we make a stop on the way home?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Sure." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Cool." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[getting out of the car] What are we doing at your parent's house?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I have a surprise for you. All right, ready? Close your eyes and now [spins her around once] open your eyes. Tadah!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't get it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I bought it. It's ours. Let's go inside, I'll show you inside. [walking inside] So if you can believe it I did it without a realtor. Saving on closing costs is good and, uh, we can put all the money to de-shag the carpet. Which I think will help, the color situation. [Pam walks over to the clown painting on the wall] Yeah, I am really sorry about this. I tried to move it but he is really nailed in there. Worried about art theft, I guess, lot of art theives in this neighborhood. [upstairs] This is the master bedroom but, I'm actually not allowed in here so... [shuts the door]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[outside] So I'm still in the process of converting the garage. It's got great light in here and I'm thinking, it could be perfect [opens garage door] for an art studio. [Pam looks around and then looks at him] Look, I know, I bought this without asking you and it's doesn't look great, I know that. And if you really hate it, I totally understand it's just---" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I love it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You do?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, I love it!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I mean, you bought me a house!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh my God..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You bought me a house!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, I did. [they kiss]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Um, do we have to sleep in your parent's bedroom?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, No, we'll just board that up. It'll be that weird spare room that people ask us about." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "And the clown?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, I can't... really can't move him." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting: I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris, by the Trocadero. She's been waiting for me all these years; she's never taken another lover. I don't care, I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier." } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Here are our final actual costs for this year." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mmm... okay." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "As you can see, we did pretty well, so..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes. Yes, I can see... that we did indeed. Why don't you explain this to me like I am an eight-year old." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Alright, well this is the overall budget for this fiscal year along the x-axis..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Right there." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "There's the x-ax...icks." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You can see clearly on this page that we have a surplus of $4300." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mmhmm, okay." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "But we have to spend that by the end of the day or it will be deducted from next year's budget." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why don't you explain this to me like I'm five." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Your mommy and daddy give you ten dollars to open up a lemonade stand. So you go out and you buy cups and you buy lemons and you buy sugar. And now you find out that it only costs you nine dollars." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ho-oh!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "So you have an extra dollar." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "So you can give that dollar back to mommy and daddy, but guess what? Next summer..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'll be six." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "And you ask them for money, they're gonna give you nine dollars. 'Cause that's what they think it costs to run the stand. So what you want to do is spend that dollar on something now, so that your parents think it costs ten dollars to run the lemonade stand." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So the dollar's a surplus. This is a surplus." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "We have to spend that $4300 by the end of the day or it'll be deducted from next year's budget." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[whistles poorly] Whoo." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "We should spend this money on a new copier, which we desperately need." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, break it down in terms of, um... okay, I-I think I'm getting you..." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Guess what, everybody? Christmas has come early this year. Oscar, very smartly, has discovered an extra $4300 in the budget. Thank you, Oscar. And I have decided with that money I am going to buy a new, drum roll please... [imitates drum roll] Can anybody guess?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "New chairs?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, a new copier! [only Oscar applauds] Unless everybody can agree on something better?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "No, no, please. Please do not do this." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes, Michael, new chairs. These chairs are terrible. We were supposed to get new ones last year." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So... we all agree to get new chairs then. Good?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[over indistinct conversation] Good? Yeah, he said good, I'm good..." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Now listen, we are a paper company. How can we take pride in our jobs if we have to put our fine paper in this wretched machine?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oscar, no. This is not the time for one of your principled stands." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Pam, you make more copies than anyone." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Exactly. That should tell you how terrible the chairs are." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. Okay, good suggestions. All good suggestions. Uh, let's just decide and agree upon one." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I'm with Pam. Chairs." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright, so, teams forming." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "We should really have the office's air quality tested. We have radon coming from below, we have asbestos in the ceilings. These are silent killers." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You are the silent killer. Go back to the annex." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "You'll see." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I've talked to Meredith, Stanley and Jim about the chairs. I know they're with me on this." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh, actually, I'm gonna go with copier." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What? Jim." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ever since Pam and I started dating, I just feel weird asking her to make copies for me. So, I make my own copies. And that copier sucks. Let me tell you, I-But you know what? Pam and I don't have to agree on everything." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Jim, good for you, standing up to Pam like that." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "The balls on you, man." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "So Michael, what do you think?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why me?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You have to make the decision." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wow, okay. Well... I swallowed all your ideas, I'm going to digest them and see what comes out the other end." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Dwight, I'm a little concerned about some of these directions to Schrute Farms..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, do tell." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I mean, like, \"156 paces from the light red mailbox, make a left.\"" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Mmhmm." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "\"Walk until you hear the beehive.\"" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "How could it be more clear?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I think Andy makes an excellent point." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "But my biggest concern is that there's only one bathroom." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "We'll dig a trench. As long as it's downhill from the well, we should be fine." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Nana Mimi cannot squat over some trench." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well we're not gonna put out stumps, come on." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Let's three-way this little issue, and come to a solution by the time we get to Schrute Farms, how's that for a plan?" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "We're getting married at Schrute Farms, no matter what. I have looked at twelve venues, I have lost eight deposits, and I have seen Angela naked zero times. I am not losing another deposit." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "So um, I've been thinking about this whole chair/copier thing..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mmhmm." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I really think you should reconsider." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, Pam, I really... hate that copier." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, I know." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "But I really think you should reconsider." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Beesly, are you threatening me?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Jim. Jim, Jim, Jim. I'm not threatening you. I love you. [whispers] But you should know, you're on very dangerous ground [kisses Jim]. [at normal volume] All right." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[shudders] Whew." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "This is where you'll have your receiving line. Of course we'll clear out all the livestock and hay and such." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hmm... mm, what's that smell?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You're gonna need to be more specific." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Manure. Get rid of it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Manure covers up the small of the slaughterhouse." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Do you have to slaughter on our wedding day?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You wanna eat, don't you?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Honey, say something!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Uh, Dwight, if we pay extra, could you slaughter the entrees the day before?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "...I'll consider it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "See? That's how you do it! Makin' progress here. [steps in manure, trying to laugh it off] ...Darn! Heh." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "There's a hose out back." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Remember, you were gonna get a new chair, and you were gonna give your old chair to me. Remember that?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well that never happened." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't know. I haven't decided yet." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I'm just gonna grab some lunch. You wanna come with?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really? Absolutely! Yeah, that would be amazing." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Woah, you guys going to lunch?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mind if I join?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ohh, God!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Let's go." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Best lunch ever! Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Let's do it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right! Cool!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Where we going?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I have no idea." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "So, I guess that's how they're gonna play this. It is on. [very serious] It is so on." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Look, I really need this new chair. I mean, seriously, how is it possible that in five years I've had two engagement rings, and only one chair?" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[laughing uproariously with Michael and Jim] Stop it! Michael." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Michael, that is hilarious." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[through the laughter] Oh, is somebody making fun of me?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "The best. Great friends. Thank you, Michael. [all three are still laughing]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ahh... I got you some tiramisu. No hard feelings." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Aww." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That's cool. [opens the container and smells the tiramisu] Mm, good stuff. [throws it in the garbage]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You look really pretty." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thank you. [goes to Michael's office and knocks on the door]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, hey." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You got a second?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I do." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, good." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, that must've been so fun." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "it was fun. We had a good time." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, have I told you you look really nice today?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, thank you." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, is that a new tie?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um, no, not... no. No, I got it at TJ Maxx, four dollars." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That is amazing!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You think that's good? Check out these pants. Nine dollars." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nine dollars. The boys' department." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Look at the ass. Check out the ass." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[applauding] No way!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Look at that. [begins dancing] Unh. Unh-unh." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah! Oh, so I guess Oscar and Jim were talking your ear off about the new copier." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes they were." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "They were." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Here's what I was thinking: everyone sits on a chair every day..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mmhmm." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "But not everyone..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sits on a copier." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Or even uses the copier every day." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, right?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Very valid." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "...That's it. [giggles]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "All right, see you later..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "See ya." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hot tie guy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[laughs] Hahaha!... well..." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Have you made a decision on the butter sculpture?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No. I haven't thought of it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay. Cow, goat or sheep. It's not that hard." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I would like cat." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Cats don't make butter." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I would like cow butter sculpture of a cat." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It doesn't make any sense." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yes it does!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Okay, guys!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I want a butter sculpture of a cat!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Cow, goat or sheep." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What is this? All right, we're all on the same team. Is it- [steps in manure] Damn! Why is that in the kitchen?!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Pam is making copies and is struggling with the machine] You might want to consider changing teams, because we would-we would love to have you." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, copier's great." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah. I have my copies. [holds up messed up copies]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "There they are." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "And I have my original. [holds up original paper, ripped in half]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You got it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "So suck it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Michael, I got you a hot chocolate. I hope that's okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, thank you my dear." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Wait, Michael! Let me open the door for you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, well, chivalry is not dead after all. Okay..." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "There he is!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "There he is! Hello, hello!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Hello." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hello! Good to see you! Good to see you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mm! [gives Jim a high five] Yeah!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "There's that ass!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey hey! Yeah! Unh!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Woo! Yeah. Aw, don't take it away!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh... ah, I almost choked." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Here's another place." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "It's beautiful." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey-o!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So... why don't we try this out, we'll see what would happen. Give it a little test drive, what do you say? You pretend to be Angela's father, you will play Angela, and uh, I will pretend to be you. That way you can see what it looks like when you're up here." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[whistling Pachelbel's \"Canon in D;\" switches to singing then back to whistling]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[to minister] Hello, I'm Angela Martin, and-" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'm Andy." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I work with Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "He doesn't understand a word you're saying." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Although born just minutes from here, he speaks only German. Closed society. So, now, after the readings by all of your sisters, we will arrive at the vows. So, Konrad... [speaks German to minister; minister begins speaking in German] And away we go. This is a little taste of the ceremony, if you will. He's explaining why we're here, what we're doing here, making introductions, blah blah blah... Then he's gonna have Andy repeat a bunch of stuff. He's gonna ask Andy to produce a ring. I have uh, now just uh... just some twine for our purposes, and you will put the ring on her finger. Yadda yadda, then he's going to ask Andy, uh, if he would like to marry Angela. And you will reply, \"I do.\" [Andy mouths, \"I do\" silently] And then he's going to ask Angela if she would like to marry Andy, to which you will reply..." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I do." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And there we go. Okay, and that's just about it. Man and wife." } ], [ { "character": "Hank", "line": "Got a call about a problem up here." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Did somebody call Hank?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hank, thank God you're here. The office is at a crossroads." }, { "character": "Hank", "line": "So, there's no security problem? You know, I hustled up the stairs." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes. I need your sage advice. And everyone, whatever Hank decides, that is the decision. That will resolve this issue. [Hank takes some jellybeans from Pam's jar] Yeah, take as many as you want." }, { "character": "Hank", "line": "Thank you. Thank you. You know, it's nice and warm up here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Hank", "line": "So what are we talking about?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. Well, we have a surplus. Imagine that your parents give you money for a lemonade stand-" }, { "character": "Hank", "line": "I know what a surplus is." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, okay. Good. Good. Well, here's the thing. Some people want to use the surplus to buy a new copier. Other people are complaining about the chairs." }, { "character": "Hank", "line": "Is that the copier?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It is, yes." }, { "character": "Hank", "line": "[inspects the copier] Hmm." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Hank", "line": "I was just thinking. Let me see a chair." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You can try mine." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, there we go." }, { "character": "Hank", "line": "Hmm, not much lumbar support." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Now everyone, bear in mind once again that whatever Hank says goes. He is an impartial third party." }, { "character": "Hank", "line": "On the one hand, this copier is very old. You should see some of the new copiers they have. You would not believe what they do." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So, the copier." }, { "character": "Hank", "line": "Well, let me finish." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right, yes." }, { "character": "Hank", "line": "Now the chairs. The chairs are very weak. Very weak chairs. I could not sit all day in this chair." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, what should I do?" }, { "character": "Hank", "line": "...Let me see the copier again." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right, get out. Get out." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Dwight, I thought I knew what I wanted. And then, being here with you and the German Mennonite minister... it just all felt right. I made a mistake picking Andy." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I know you did. And that's why I have taken care of everything." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "What do you mean?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well Monkey, he's a real minister. And you said, \"I do.\" And I said, \"I do.\" And Andy wasn't signing a receipt; he was signing our marriage certificate as a witness." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Dwight! That doesn't count!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes, of course it does." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No, it doesn't!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It does in the state of Pennsylvania." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I didn't-" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Haha, Mrs. Schrute." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "We are not married." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wha..." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Take this thing. [takes off twine ring]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "My... It's not my fault you don't understand German; I've been telling you to take it for years!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Are we, uh... are we leaving or what? [Mose hits Andy in the head with a deflated ball] Ow!" } ], [ { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "[on speakerphone] Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey David- [begins coughing violently] I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm eating tiramisu. Some of the chocolate powder just went down my throat. I'm stopping now." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Is this why you're calling me?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, no, no, no. No. I'm calling- [coughs again] I'm sorry." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mm. I'm calling because, um, we have a stupid budget surplus, and people-everybody wants something different." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "You want me to weigh in on a minor budget issue?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, no. I want you to make the decision so I'm not the bad guy." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Well if I were you, I would just return the surplus and take the bonus." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "The what now?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Branch managers who come in under budget get 15% of the savings." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "...Like a tip? [calculates amount] $645?!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I hate disappointing just one person. And I really hate disappointing everyone. But I love Burlington Coat Factory. You go in there with $645, you are literally a king." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[on the phone] We have that going out Tuesday... Okay? Sure, no, I can... I'll double-check that for you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right, attention everyone." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Let me call you right back. Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I have made my decision. We do not need a new copier. We do not need new chairs. This copier... is... [puts paper on glass and makes a copy, then takes paper from glass] working perfectly." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "That's the original." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam, would you stand up for a sec? [sits in Pam's chair] Hmm. See how relaxed I am? I like this chair. [slowly sinking into the chair] Offers good support, it is urkelnomically correct... it's a good chair. I think we're spoiled because we don't appreciate the things that we have. You think kids in Africa have chairs? No. They sit in big piles of garbage. You think they have copiers? [the chair has slowly lowered itself almost to where Michael is not visible over the desk] They don't have copiers. They don't even- [struggles to get up from Pam's chair] Gah! They don't even have paper. And we are spoiled because we throw out perfectly good tiramisu because it has a little tiny hair on it. My point I this: I have seen the light in terms of what we need, and it is nothing." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Do you know?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do I know what?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I think you know." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mm, no..." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Know what?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, know what?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Does anyone happen to know what 15% of 4300 is?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "$645." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Michael's a genius." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Right." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Why'd you say dollars?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Because that is how my mind works." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What's 15% of 200? [Michael doesn't answer] Thank you. Everyone, Michael is returning the surplus so he can keep 15% as a bonus." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wait, what?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You can do that?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hey Michael, what's 394 times 5,912?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Let's see..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You're gonna give yourself a bonus of $645 instead of getting the entire office something it really needs?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't need $645; I already have $645, more or less." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You're gonna get us a copier then?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "This is so stupid." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Or chairs?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "This is so, so stupid. And, God... [looks at his watch] that's my phone." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I didn't hear a phone." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "To be continued!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I don't-this doesn't change anything. I have a very important decision to make. We need a new copier. We need new chairs. And I need to figure out a way to keep this money without having everybody hate me." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey Tuna, check it out. Tuna sandwich. Just like you. [Angela walks over to Andy] What-" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[kisses Andy passionately in his chair] Now, I have to take care of a legal issue." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Was that hot or what?" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "So what's it gonna be?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Michael, you have to make a decision. The day is almost done." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Let me just say, you've been promising me this chair since the day you hired me." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You are a smart guy. I know you'll do the right thing." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[groans in frustration] You think it's easy?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "It's your job." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, you know what? Why don't you guys deal with it? I am going to get up, and I am going to be out in the common area. But you need to decide; otherwise I'm taking the bonus. All right?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "It is a classic management tactic. You have two sides, a deadline, you know that neither of them are gonna concede. What you do is you put 'em in a room, and you just- [Pam and Oscar come to the door of kitchen] Hey." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Hey, we're going with the chairs." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I just figured I'd rather have new chairs than nothing at all." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thanks Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good work. I'm proud of you. [Pam and Oscar leave] Mother-" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[wearing a fur coat] What did we learn this week? Well, one, thanks to me, my team is much, much faster at coming to decisions than I thought they would be. Number two, never buy a fur coat with a credit card until you absolutely have the money to pay for it. And three, [camera zooms out to see fake blood is splattered on the fur coat] you should know that some people think it's cool to throw buckets of fake blood on you as you are walking out of Burlington Coat Factory." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Truce?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, I guess, since I won." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, you did win. You did win. Anyway, I'm going to need three copies of each of these, stapled and collated. [begins to walk away, then turns back] Totally kidding. [leans in, whispers] I'm gonna need four. [kisses Pam]" } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What is this?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Happy Holidays, Dwight. But do not open it till Christmas." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You're so pathetic. How long did this take you? Three hours?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Five minutes actually. I am a black belt in gift wrapping." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, no such thing. They don't give out black belts for things that are stupid. [scoffs] Well, I hope it was worth it, cause I'm gonna take it apart in about five minutes." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I think it'll take you a little longer than that." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Really? If I can skin a mule deer in less than ten minutes, I ought to be able to cut my -- [sets briefcase on desk and sits in chair, desk and chair are made of paper, Dwight crashes to the floor]" } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Eh..." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I'm sorry. It's the largest one I have." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I will not be the big guy in the tiny hat. [Kevin is wearing the same hat]" } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "This is the first Christmas party I am throwing as head of the party planning committee. The theme is \"Nights in Morocco\". This isn't your grandmothers Christmas party. Unless of course she's from Morocco, in which case it's very accurate." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, Phyllis, do I need this invite to get in to the party?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Awesome. I think this is going to be the best Christmas party ever." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Angela. You're going to move this for the party right? It's not on theme." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "It's the nativity scene." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Alright. You can keep your camel, sheep, elephant and the north African king can stay. Everything else goes in the drawer." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "I am not going to judge Phyllis for desecrating Christmas. There is one person who will though and Phyllis just stuffed him into a drawer." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I need you to get rid of the tree." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "But--" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Thank you." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh, I don't think it's blackmail. Angela just does what I ask her to do so I won't tell everyone that she's cheating on Andy with Dwight. I think for it to be black mail, it would have to be a formal letter." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ah. You brought in your doll collection." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "These are not dolls, Jim. These are commodities. Same as gold or oil." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Every year I do research to determine which toy will be the most popular of the Christmas season. This year it's a doll. Half girl, half unicorn. Catchphrase: \"My horn can pierce the sky\". Pathetic. I bought out every store in the area over the last couple of weeks. And as lazy parents become desperate I will sell them for an enormous profit. Isn't that right princess? [makes doll nod]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's the Christmas spirit." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I am simply punishing those parents that would wait till the last minute to get their child a gift. And such a genetically improbable one. Look at that. How does that happen? King has sex with a unicorn? Man with a horn has sex with a royal horse?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, hey, is that Princess Unicorn? I thought they were all sold out." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "They are now." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Cool. [sings] My horn can pierce the sky." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "This is equal parts scotch, absinthe, rum, gin, vermouth, triple sec, and two packs of Splenda. Call it a one of everything." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "[drinks] Oh... my... GOD!!! [laughs] Hit me again." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright... One more time around the block." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I will grant you one wish." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I wish that you'd stop rubbing that lamp in that creepy way." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Stupid. Everyone knows to ask for a hundred more wishes. [Pam laughs] Dumb." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[sitting on floor playing the sitar] Hey, hey... Ange... check it out. [sings] There's a place in France where the naked ladies dance. [laughs]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Really Andy? It's Christmas and your singing about nudity and France." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[sings] There's a hole in the wall where the men can see it all." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jim, Jim...." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What is it?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That is vodka and I mixed it with orange juice. I call it an orange-vod-juice...ka." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow, that is delicious." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Can't believe no ones thought of that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "[dancing drunkenly] Ahh yeah!!" } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "[continuing to dance, lifting her shirt] Belly dancing!" } ], [ { "character": "Guy buying doll", "line": "120, 180... 200." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Guy", "line": "Thank you so much. My daughter is going to love this." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, so glad I could help." }, { "character": "Guy", "line": "Thanks." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Merry Christmas." }, { "character": "Guy", "line": "You too." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-ka-ching." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[sighs] Oh, so this is what every day would be like if you hadn't left India." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Meredith's hair is on fire] Oh, oh, oh, oh!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "We got a live one! On fire!! [Dwight extinguishes Meredith]" } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I'm all right. I'm all right." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Sorry." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "We're back on the 5th, should we just do it then?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Can not do it then. Monthly dental appointment, soft teeth" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What about February 2nd?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ah... would you want to do it on Groundhogs day?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no. I celebrate privately." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's cool." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why don't we just do it now? We'll do it quickly." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Now? It's our Christmas party." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We'll do it quickly." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well what if we can't do it quickly." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[mimicking] What if we can't do it quickly? What if we cant do it--" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Do you know how to do an intervention?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, shut up. Here we go. Everybody gather up." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "An intervention. It's sort of hard to describe, but really its-- it's a coming together... it's a surprise party for people who are-- who have addictions. And you get in their face and you scream at them and you make them feel really badly about themselves. And then they stop." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "It looks like we're going to be here for awhile, so why don't you make a little plate of hummus for everyone. Little triangles of pita, toasted on both sides, fanned so you can easily can grab them." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I don't--" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "And napkins... fanned." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, how do you feel?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "A little better. I threw up." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uck... T.M.I." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Fire girl. [looks around] Too soon?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, you know what I thought we should do is have a quick intervention and then get back to the party." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Michael, we are only allowed to talk about Meredith's work performance. We can not ask her to stop drinking." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am not asking her to stop drinking. I am imploring her to quit being an alcoholic." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I'm not an alcoholic." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, obviously you are. Okay, everybody who thinks that Meredith is an alcoholic please raise your hand. [everyone raises their hand]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Aye." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "The aye's have it." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I don't care what everyone thinks. I know I am not an alcoholic." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright, well, let's look at this a little bit closer then shall we? [pulls a piece of paper out of his pocket]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "When I was in college I used to get wicked hammered. My nickname was puke. I would chug a fifth of socos, sneak into a frat party, polish off a few people's empties, some brewskies, some Jell-O shots, do some body shots off myself, pass out, wake up the next morning, puke, rally, more soco, head to class. Probably would have gotten expelled if I had let it affect my grades, but I aced all my courses. They called me Ace. It was totally awesome. Got straight B's. They called me Buzz." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Meredith, have you ever used alcohol to alter your mood or deliberately change your state of mind?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Sure." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do you sometimes have a drink to celebrate a special occasion or mark a holiday?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Obviously." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Have you ever under the influence of alcohol questioned the teachings of the Mormon church?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Where did you get this?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I got it on a website, that's not important." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Michael, We should contact some experts. You don't know what your doing." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, you know what Toby? One of my employees is undergoing a crisis and I wish for just once you would take my side on this. I'm doing your job man. Hey, are you texting?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Yeah, 'cause this is kind of a drag." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alcohol is a drag. Yes. Here's what I'd like to do. I'd like to go around the room and have us each express to Meredith how her alcoholism has affected us. I'll begin. This Christmas party is perhaps the best Christmas party I have ever been to, but then you got so drunk that we had to stop and do this. That's how your drinking affected me. Anybody else? Another time when Meredith's drinking affected you? Come on people. If we don't say anything she's not going to get any better. [Kevin raises his hand] Yes, Kevin." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Well, Meredith, there was that one time you bought movie tickets and then you got too drunk to go, so you gave them to me. And that was really cool." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's-- you didn't-- you weren't hurt by that." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah, you said affected by it. Thanks again, Meredith." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "You're welcome." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, no, that's not what we're going for. Who has a problem with Meredith's drinking? It has to bother you. It bothers me. Right? How does it bother you? Dwight, don't you have anything?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, I like Meredith." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Actually, I don't care for Meredith, but I don't believe in this kind of thing. In the Schrute family we believe in a five fingered intervention. [holds up his fist] Awareness, education, control, acceptance and punching." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Who is going to tell us the latest dirty joke? Who is going to tell us what you watched on television last night?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I am fine." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Was John Belushi fine? Was Bob Hope fine? Hey-- come here. If anything ever happened to you, I would be very angry at myself for not doing all that I could do." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I know I drink. I like to party" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I want you to say I'm an alcoholic." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I am not an alcoholic!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You can say it as loudly as you want, but we're not going to believe you." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I was waiting until later to hand out this years gifts from corporate. [holds up shot glass] I don't think they're appropriate anymore." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Please stop making me do these things." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh, sorry, it's your job." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "But it's the season of mercy." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "You never showed me mercy when you were in charge. Why aren't you wearing the hairnet?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I lost it. [Phyllis glares at her until Angela pulls out the hairnet and puts it on]" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Ok... nice." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I don't mind telling you that I have an addiction. I do. To porn." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[amid groans from the rest of the office] Alright, no, no, no. No. That is the image, I think we can all agree is very disgusting. But you know what, Meredith, you lit your hair on fire today. What about tomorrow.? What is going to happen when you come into work and you're dead?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I stab her in the brain with a wooden stick." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "There are several ways to kill a zombie, but the most satisfying one is to stab it in the brain with a wooden stick." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Everyone in this room loves you, but mark my words, we are not going to support your alcoholism anymore. The next time you light yourself on fire we are not going to help put you out." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, as fire marshal I would have to." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight--" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "She is a hazard to the other people of the office." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[sighs]...okay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I suppose I could do it if it was a controlled burn in a well ventilated area." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, but you're gonna need a permit for that." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh right, that'll take a couple of weeks." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "I can get you one in an hour." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Okay you know, this-- this is over." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I agree." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Michael, I think... you did the best you could, but this is bigger than all of us." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Enabler! Enabler, enabler, enabler, enabler, enabler. It's Christmas and we are turning our back on somebody who is asking for help." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what the only thing I want for Christmas? I want Meredith to get better. That's my only wish. But you know what? My wishes never come true, so I'm not going to wish that on her. I-- a watch would be nice." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[watching Meredith and Michael talk in his office] They've been in there for 45 minutes." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I know. If she wasn't an alcoholic before, she is now. [Jim laughs]" } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "That's a halwa shabkia cookie. They serve it during Ramadan. [Angela spits her cookie out]" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Mmmm... chewy." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Andy playing the sitar] Hey." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What's up?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Do you take requests?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Sure." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Please stop. People are having a Christmas party." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[whispers to Meredith] I'll be down in a minute. [walks over to Toby] Could you write down the number of that rehabilitation center that you mentioned?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Sure. Wow. [Michael throws a pen at his head] Ow..." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "We just missed Poor Richards." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We did?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Yeah, I thought we were going out for a drink?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, shoot. Oh well, we'll have to go someplace else then I guess." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "The Bog? Cooper's, Kelly's..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We could go there, sure." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "...Brixx's, Carmen's..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, yes." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "...The Fort, Andy Gavin's." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I have a new place." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Well, it must have just opened up." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It-- yep, recently." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Yeah... all right." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Enough of this Christmas crap. Let's get some party music. [changes radio station] Yeah!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, oh there you go." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Yeah!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's good." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Yeah that's better." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We're party girls." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "[on phone] Hey Sasha, it's daddy. Have you ever heard of this doll , Princess Unicorn?" }, { "character": "Sasha", "line": "[shouting excitedly over the phone] Daddy, daddy, daddy!!" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "No, No, No. No, I'm just curious if you've heard of it." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "This is great. My ex-wife's going to be so pissed. [chuckles] For once daddy's gonna be a hero." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "$200." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yo." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Hey, I'd like to buy one of your dolls." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, that's my last one." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Oh, no, I-- no, no, I was gonna buy that doll." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Thanks man." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I was-- I was gonna get the doll." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Not my problem." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "But I-- I promised my daughter. Darryl, look-- I-- I need the doll, I need the doll. I-- I'm-- I'm begging you. I just-- I need it more than anything in this world. I need this doll. Darryl, man I need this doll." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "All right man, don't cry. It's cool. I'll let you get it for $400." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I only have $200." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You can owe me." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "[laughs] Oh man, thanks, thank you, [tearing up] thank you, thank you." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I know, right. Merry Christmas." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Oh thanks. She's gonna... [notices the doll is black] oh..." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Something wrong with the doll?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "No. It's even-- it's even better than the one I wanted." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Sunrise Rehab? No! No! No! I told you no! There is no way!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's okay. It's all right." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "No way! There is no way! No way!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Meredith, we are doing this for your own good. Okay. Come on--" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "No way! No way! There is no way!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Here we go. This is gonna be good." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "No! No way! I told you. We talked about this. There is absolutely no way. No! No! There is no way! No! No! I am not going in there! I am not going in there!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes you are. [tries to pull Meredith from the car]" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I am not going in there! NO!!" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Just wait! Just wait!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Shhh... just calm down." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "[runs away] Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! No! No!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[chasing Meredith] Come on. Shh..." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "No! No! No! There is no way! There is no way!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Here's the door. Here's the door." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "There is no way! There is no way! No! No!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[dragging Meredith on the floor into the rehab center] Let's start meeting-- Hello. How are you?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "This man is crazy! This man is crazy!" }, { "character": "Rehab Nurse", "line": "Can I help you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I have a deposit. Alcoholic." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "No! No! No! No! No!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So do I sign?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "NO!!!" } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I need you to put the Christmas tree back up." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "It's outside." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I didn't ask you where it was. I told you where it needs to be." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Shut up." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Excuse me?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I'm not moving the tree. Face it. The only power you have over me is this big secret that I know you're not going to tell. And you want to know how I know that? Because then you won't be able to plan your stupid, tacky parties anymore. So you move the tree." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Okay. [starts to walk away, then turns around] Angela's having sex with Dwight. I caught them doing it after Toby's going away party." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well don't look so surprised." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I knew it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You did not know it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I knew some of it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Everyone knew some of it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's Christmas." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You knew it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thank you. I knew it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "She knew it." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "As it turns out you can't just check someone into rehab against their will. They have to do it voluntarily. They have to hit rock bottom. So I think I know what I need to do at this point. I need to find ways to push Meredith to the bottom. Um... I think I can do it. I did it with Jan." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "All right, everybody's still here. Perfect! Got a little surprise I've been working on. Angela, my bride, I just wanted you to know that for the rest of our lives, no matter the cultural milieu, I will always be there to bring you Christmas cheer. [sings] Deck the halls with boughs of holly. Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. Tis the season to be jolly. Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. Don we now our gay apparel. Fa-la-la-la-la-LA. Troll the little Yule tide carol. Roo-di-di-di-do. Roododododo. [laughs]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I think I'd like to go home now." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Sure. Dooo. Tough room. [chuckles] Come on. I just learned it. Just so you know protocol is a little round of applause. But, Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night." } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[answering the phone] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. I'm sorry, he's not in yet. Would you like his voicemail?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[heard yelling from the street] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah, okay! Twelve miles an hour. Eat that, Carl Lewis!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Angela made several 911 calls about cars going too fast in front of the building, so the police put up a radar gun. It's actually caused a bit of a traffic hazard." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[yelling as he runs past the radar gun] Aah!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Wow, thirteen!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. No, no. There was wind." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I was just jogging." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight, there was wind. I want a do-over." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, no, no, it's not your turn. All right, thirteen is the new number. Oscar, go ahead." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I want another try. Here we go! [Michael runs past the radar as a car passes] Thirty-one! Thirty-one!" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "There was a car." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I was ahead of the car. Thirty-one is my new number." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Thirty-one is humanly impossible." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Go, Oscar. Thirty-one's my number." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "That's impossible." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Beat it!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Today's a big day. My presence has been requested by [in an authoritative voice] Chief Financial Officer, David Wallace. [in normal voice] He says that he wants to talk about big picture stuff. And, I'll be honest, I have little or no idea what that means, so... probably bad." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Quick announcement: new year, new candy." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Whoo-hoo!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay, be careful, Kevin. They're kind of spicy." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hot tamales." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Uh oh." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "So, maybe just try one at first, and then if it's okay, have a couple more..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[entering the office] Excuse me, everyone, can I have the floor please? Um, this is insanely awkward. It's kind of the elephant in the room, so I'll just... [sighs] No one has RSVP'ed to our wedding yet, and the deadline was yesterday." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wait, you still don't know..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[getting up quickly to silence Michael] No, no. Nope." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hmm?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nothing." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You still don't know." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Why don't... Let's..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[to Jim] What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "How about we just... Just have to talk to you for a second..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Andy." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ahh! [ushers Michael into his office]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No, no one has RSVP'ed, and I don't understand it, and now, you're shutting me out. You're not even listening. That's really considerate. Thank you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[from inside his office] No, what I'm saying is..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, no." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, that's not it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I know." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Andy still doesn't know that Angela's having an affair with Dwight. And it's been seventeen days. I mean, eventually he'll figure it out, when their kids have giant heads and beet-stained teeth. But right now it's just... awkward." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[sighs] How can he still not know?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "We can't figure that out." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I can't take it anymore." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wait, what? You can't take what?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am telling Andy." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No. You can't do that. It shouldn't come from you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Who should it come from, then?" }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "[simultaneously] Angela." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[to Dwight] Are you still having intercourse with her? [Dwight's expression implies 'yes']" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What is wrong with you? She is engaged." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Did you ever have intercourse in this office? [Dwight's expression implies 'yes']" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Are you serious? Ugh. Where? [Dwight stares at Oscar; more forcefully] Where? [Dwight's expression implies 'at your desk'; Oscar's voice breaks] Where, Dwight?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[coolly] Seems like you already know where." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Kevin, you screwed this form up again. The amount owed goes at the top." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize I was doing something wrong. If I had, I would've admitted it, and stopped right away." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "That's enough." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Because I wouldn't want an innocent person, who doesn't know anything about the form... [Angela puts headphones on; Kevin looks at Oscar] What?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "That was good... It's just, at the end you weren't saying something that could also apply to the form." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "How about, \"I'm sorry I did such a whorish job filling out this form?\"" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "There you go." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[on the phone] That cannot be true! [Dwight jumps] You're going to charge me a fee to cut my own cake? Uh, no. No, no, no. What I'm saying is, I want to cut it myself..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[whispering to Jim] Trade seats with me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I've got a better angle on Pam. I can see everything." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Please stop." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[grabs a spoon from Jim's coffee cup and checks behind him with it] I need a soup spoon." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Rule 17: don't turn your back on bears, men you have wronged, or the dominant turkey during mating season. There are forty rules all Schrute boys must learn before the age of five. [sings] Learn your rules. You better learn your rules. If you don't, you'll be eaten in your sleep. [makes chomping sound]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[moves his bobblehead from one side of his nameplate to the other and clears his throat to get Angela's attention]" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "What is it?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You've got to tell Andy about us." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "That is a terrible idea. One of your worst." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Get it over with. Then we don't have to hide anymore." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "You're expanding on your worst idea." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Do you love me or not?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I've already admitted that I do. Why do you keep making me repeat it?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Because you're engaged to Andy." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[sighs]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Not yet." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "When?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "When what? [clears throat] When what?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know this can't go on." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What can't go on?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We have to put an end to this." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Seems like..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Come on. [Dwight and Jim follow into Michael's office]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You guys should... be hearing what I'm saying." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "This is really not how this is supposed to happen." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Angela said she was going to tell him. She's just not ready." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "When will she be ready?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I don't know." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Is she crazy in bed?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[boastfully] Yes." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Stop. What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "How so, specifically?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, listen." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Eager." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "This shouldn't happen at work." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And flexible." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "This shouldn't be coming from his boss. And we should also consider the fact that that man has an anger issue." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's too late." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well it's not too late, because you haven't done anything." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am already walking." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael, once this gets out... I don't know how it's going to go down." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, what does that mean?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Might get ugly." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[sighs] Jim, this has to get out, so we can all deal with it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "But you're leaving..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[to Michael, who opens the door to leave] Have a good trip." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thanks. [to Andy] Andy?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Walk with me." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Will do, boss-man." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ohh, I do not have much time... car's all the way over there, to tell you what I have to tell you. And just bear in mind when I say... say these things, that... are bad things... that you hear... in your ears... this is something that I, if I were you, that I wouldn't want to hear..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You're not making any sense." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well... no, I'm not. So I... I'm not very articulate today, so I'll just leave it for another time. Another day." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "All righty." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Which will be fine. I am off!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Have a good meeting!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you! [gets into his car]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[through the car window] Kick Wallace's ass!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[through the car window] Okay. I will... Dwight and Angela are having an affair, so..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I can't hear you through the glass" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[rolls down car window] Dwight and Angela are having an affair. They've been sleeping together for some time. That was the news. I wanted to let you know." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right. See you later. [backs out of the parking space] Ahh." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Are you serious?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yep. [drives off]" } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I knew something bad was gonna happen today." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You said that yesterday." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Yeah, my neighbor got murdered." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[to Dwight] What are you standing for?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "If I'm sitting, I can't disable his neck or his groin." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You're not going to do anything to his neck or his groin." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "If I'm sitting, I don't have the option to." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dwight, I'm in charge when Michael's gone, and I need you to sit..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[enters the office and walks to Angela] I need to talk to you." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "We can talk right here." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I need to talk to you in private." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "We're not listening." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Let's go to the conference room." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Is it true?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "What have you heard?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That you're sleeping with Dwight." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "That doesn't sound like me." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Is it true?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Andy, I'm engaged to you. I mean, we just signed off on our wedding flowers. Would I have said yes to formal chrysanthemums if I didn't want to get married? And, we went through all that stuff with our wedding cake..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Just answer the question. Are you sleeping with Dwight?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "A little bit." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "How long has it been going on?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I don't know. I mean, we were together, and then he killed sprinkles, and then we stopped, and... I don't know exactly when we started up again." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Who else knows about it?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Michael." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Who else?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[quietly] Let me think about it... I, um... there... [Andy looks over to see everyone watching them]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh God. Come on!" } ], [ { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "So listen, Michael, your branch has been doing great lately, and your sales staff is reporting very strong numbers. Out-performing last year, in fact. Um, and I don't know exactly how to put this, but... what are you doing right?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Right what?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Utica, Albany, all the other branches are struggling, but your branch is reporting strong numbers. [Michael smiles] Look, you're not our most traditional guy, but clearly, something you are doing... is right. And I just, I need to get a sense of what that is." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "David, here it is. My philosophy is basically this. And this is something that I live by. And I always have. And I always will. Don't ever, for any reason, do anything to anyone, for any reason, ever, no matter what. No matter... where. Or who, or who you are with, or, or where you are going, or... or where you've been... ever. For any reason, whatsoever." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sometimes I'll start a sentence, and I don't even know where it's going. I just hope I find it along the way. Like an improv conversation. An improversation." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "This is going to sound sort of high-maintenance, but could we have it, like, three degrees cooler in here? I always think better when it's cooler." } ], [ { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Here's the thing. Michael is doing something right. And in this economic climate, no method of success can be ignored. It's not really time for executives to start getting judgmental now. It's Hail Mary time." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[pokes his head in] Hey, what say we order up some pasta?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "What say we do." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Standard, you know? Nothing fancy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "So like, missionary..." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I said nothing fancy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Do you love him?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I love you." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Why should I believe that?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Andy, we are at a crossroads here. And we can either give in to what people are saying that we're not good together." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Who says that?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Or, we can prove them wrong. Let's prove them wrong." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Where's Dwight?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You okay, man?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No. Not at all, actually. But thanks for asking. Appreciate it. You know what? I'd also like to take this opportunity to thank all of you for lying. To my face. And not telling me what's been going on this entire time." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "You are welcome." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[Dwight enters] Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Andy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It's over." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh good. She broke up with you." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No. It's over between you two." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Uh, no way. I am not giving up." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You have to." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No I don't." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[forcefully] She doesn't love you. She's marrying me." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[angrier] Well I don't know about that, because she certainly seems to enjoy making lovemaking with me." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Angela Bernard." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Will never be her name." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It will be her name. And you will have to call her that!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I don't think so." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey guys, why don't we, uh, just cool off a bit?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'm telling you to back down." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And I'm telling you that I will never back down." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Then I'll make you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh really? How are you gonna do that?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Through the use of force." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That is very general, and does not scare me in the slightest." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I will fight you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nope." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, fine! Good! A duel! The winner gets Angela." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Fine!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Fine!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "This is nuts." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What is your weapon?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, you know what? That's enough. Because..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey, this is none of your business." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey. It is my business when it happens at work." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Guess what? Not happening at work." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "We're gonna do it outside." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Outside of work." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "None of your business." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "None of your business then. [Dwight and Andy high five] Good. So what weapon?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "My bare hands." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That is stupid. I will use a sword and I will cut off your bare hands." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Then I'll get something too." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I've had two men fight over me before. Usually it's over which one gets to hold the camcorder." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Angela, you have to put a stop to this right now." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[thinks for a moment] I will respect the results of the duel." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Of course you will." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I call loser!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I will be taking my break at 4:00 in the parking lot." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I will also be talking my break at the exact same time and in the same location." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[softly] What a coincidence." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Mm." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "So, I either get more involved, or I take a sick day... leaving Dwight in charge. Oh God." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[collects Dwight's weapons from around the office; holds up a hand scythe]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[innocently] How'd that get there?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "There's a star-shaped thing taped under the kitchen table." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thanks Meredith." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "So I was in the office, and I look over to our Accounting division, and there is Kevin Malone. Kevin is wearing a jacket that I've never seen before. And I call over to Kevin, \"Kevin, is that a tweed jacket?\" And he looks at me and he says, \"Michael, yes it is a tweed jacket.\" And I look back at him and I say, \"I feel the need!... The need for tweed.\"" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "It's hard to try and evaluate yourself, Michael, but I appreciate you trying. [gets up] And thanks for coming in." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[rises] Oh, thank you." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I have to say, I am so impressed with the potential you see in me." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. [sits back down to continue eating]" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "[opens his office door] Yeah, finish up." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[shouting] Come on! Where are you? Let's do this thing! Come on! Come on out!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[watching from the conference room] I can't believe they're gonna fight over me." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I guess people have fewer choices as they get older." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Come on!" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Hey, has anything happened yet?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Where are you?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Mm-mm. It's 4:10, I don't think he's gonna show." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh come on, man! Believe in something." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Come on, coward! Where are you? Where... [spots a note attached to the bushes; goes to read it] \"From the desk of Andrew Bernard.\" [scoffs] A note. Pathetic. \"Dear Dwight, by now you have received my note. How are you? I am well. You are no doubt wondering why I have left this note. It has come to my attention that in any physical match with you, I would surely be bested.\" True. \"The soft underbelly of my refined upbringing is my soft underbelly...\" [as Dwight continues to read, Andy drives around the corner very slowly]" } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "There's Andy, he's in his car. You guys, what is he doing?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Why isn't Dwight turning around?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "The Prius is silent if he keeps it under five miles per hour. He deserves the win." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[still reading] Alas, after much consideration and deliberation..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh my God!" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "What's happening?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Andy's running over Dwight with his car." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Whoa! What are you! Hey! Hey!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Everyone watching", "line": "Oh!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Come on! Ow! Ah! Aah!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You give up?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Never! [hits Andy's car with his bike chain] Get out and face me like a man!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I am a man! I'm a bigger man than you'll ever be! I would never sleep with another man's fiance!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You're not a man! You don't know how to take care of her! [hits his car with the bike chain] All you do is dress fancy and sing. [imitating Andy] \"La la la la la la la la la la!\" What does that mean? You can't even protect her!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Protect her from what? Bears, you idiot? When's the last time you saw a damn bear in Scranton?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Last year, idiot! [hits his car with the bike chain]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dwight! Are your legs broken?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No. My right one's falling asleep a little bit." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Andy, are you all right?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Go away, Tuna! I'm winning this!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, back off. This isn't your fight. Oh, how much is this gonna cost? [hits his car with the bike chain] Oh! What? Trust fund will take care of that! [hits his car with the bike chain]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What did you say? I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I sa- [Andy honks his horn]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What? You stupid idiot! [Andy honks his horn] You're like, you're like a Sasquatch! You live in the woods..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Sasquatches are the strongest animal on the planet! So fine, call me a Sasquatch!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I don't get it! How can she be sleeping with you this whole time and only sleep with me twice?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "She's sleeping with you?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'm her fiance." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "She said she was only sleeping with me." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[enters, followed by Dwight, and makes a call] Yes, hi, my last name is Bernard, and I would like to cancel a wedding cake that I had ordered. B-E-R, N-A, R-D. Yeah, the one shaped like a sailboat... Yep, that's the one." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[picks up his bobblehead and throws it in the trash can]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Thank you. [hangs up]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wow, what a day! Haha! I thought I was gong to get chewed out, but, hold on! Here's an attaboy for ya! What? Rollercoaster ride! Rollercoaster! It just goes to show, you leave Scranton, exciting things can happen. [sighs] Ahh!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[as Jim is collecting weapons, runs to the couch near reception and pulls out a crossbow; Jim catches him and he hands it over]" } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What's this?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Looks like a red wire." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hmm. It wasn't here before." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well it's a computer Dwight, computers have wires." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yours doesn't." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Doesn't it?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, it's going in a different direction then the other wires." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dwight, I am really busy, I can't talk about this anymore. [Dwight follows red cord through office past Phyllis' and Stanley's desks]" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Dwight, get out of here!" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "What are you doing?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I got 500 feet of red wire at a flea market up by Dunmore High School. 20 bucks for the whole spool. Crazy, what a deal. [behind Jim, Dwight climbs telephone pole] Oh he'll be fine. I made it up there." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "What you talking bout, Wallace? [imitating What you talking bout Willis]" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Hi Michael how are you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hi, I am well, how are you?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "So listen, as you know, we haven't yet filled the regional supervisor job." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, have you not?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Correct. And I was wondering if I could get you to do some of the field work that would normally go to the supervisor [Michael makes exaggerated oh-my-gosh face at camera]. There is an area from Carbondale to Marshbrook, where we have never done any business." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "There is a small company there, Prince Paper. I can't get a report on it because it's not a public company. But we have been talking about going after their market, so I was hoping you could do some fact finding for me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "I'll fax over some of the things we're looking for." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Fax, why don't you just send it over on a dinosaur?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Look, this is important, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, well, then, email it to me." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "You've got no taste Stanley Hudson." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Oh, I do." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What are you guys talking about?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Some actress, whether shes hot." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Who is the gal in question?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Hillary Swank." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Ah, Hillary Swank." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[most of office huddles around print out of Hillary Swank, judging her hotness] Not at all." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "She's got mean eyes." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Have you seen her with her bangs?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "She looks like a monster." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Guys, she is a beautiful movie star, so maybe we should just go to work." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "She is an amazing actress." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "That is not the question." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "She's not hot." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah, thank you Phyllis." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, okay, okay. Why don't we just put this to a vote, and then we'll be done with it." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I'm not voting." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[snaps back] No one cares. Who thinks that Hillary Swank is hot, raise your hand. [half of office raises hand] Okay, and who thinks Hillary Swank is not hot, raise your hand. [other half of office raises hand]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[counting votes] Five. Five to five." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thank you, accounting department." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "So what do we do now?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[riding in car with Michael] What if the owner of Prince Family Paper has a beautiful daughter and we have to seduce her in order to get their secrets?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I will seduce her." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, I wanna seduce her." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I will seduce her." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Please Michael, please." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I got it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You'll fall in love with her." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, so what if I did? That would take precedence and I would expect your support." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, let's go over the plan again." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright, I am a local business owner. [Dwight nods along] I need to buy paper. I find out everything about their prices and policies" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Your fictitious name?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Michael Scarn." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I am a paper salesman looking for a new job. I find out everything about their expenses and salaries." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Then we meet at the Denny's..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[interrupting] No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "...and then we compare notes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, I never said Denny's. IHOP." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No! [arguing over each other]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You know how I feel about IHOP." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, don't start," }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Are you socialist?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what? I don't want to get into this debate again. I enjoy IHOP." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'll have a cup of a coffee." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You will have pancakes and you'll like it." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Store only has three employees." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So what?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It means they are not expanding." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Maybe they are shrinking." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "They could be shrinking." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No because their sign is centered perfectly above their store. No sign of the sign being moved." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ah ha [popping something in his mouth] Yup." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[spying through binoculars] Its lunch time, and no sign of anyone coming in or out. Which means they are not taking new customers out to lunch." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mm hmm ." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Which Means they're not acquiring new business. So once again no growth." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And there are clouds. There are clouds in the sky, which means gonna rain, bad for business." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, it would if they were all cumulous and not cirrostratus." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Argh, why are you all..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Get your clouds right." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Shut up." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So you go in now, I am going to go in exactly ten minutes. We have never met each other. We are complete strangers. Also, we are going to need a signal to bolt out of there if there is danger. Lick ur lips, try it. [Michael licks lips] No, no like this. [Dwight starts and Michael follows passionately licking their lips] Good." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ready to do this?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good. Here come the sharks. [they imitate jaws theme sounds and Dwight makes shark fin on his forehead]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "In nature, there is something called a food chain; it's where the shark eats a little shark. And the little shark eats a littler shark. And so on and so on. Until you get down to the single cell shark. So now replace sharks with paper companies and that is all you need to know about business." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hello." }, { "character": "Entire Prince family", "line": "Hello, hi." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "My name is Michael Scarn. I am a local business owner and I would like to find out about your company." }, { "character": "Prince Grandfather", "line": "Oh, please come in" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Prince Grandfather", "line": "What kind of business are you in." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We are a law firm." }, { "character": "Prince Grandfather", "line": "I assume your primary paper needs are stationary, general office." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know, I will be honest with you... about something. Where we used to live, our paper supplier had a lot of big clients and I just didn't feel like a priority. So I guess my question [reaches for paper in his pocket with questions on it] for you would be [reading off sheet] how many clients do you have?" }, { "character": "Prince Grandfather", "line": "About 80." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really? That many? This doesn't seem like a very big operation." }, { "character": "Prince Grandfather", "line": "It's just me, my wife and my son." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ah, so when did you set up shop?" }, { "character": "Prince Grandfather", "line": "I opened this place after I came back from Vietnam." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh Vietnam, I hear it's lovely ." }, { "character": "Prince Grandfather", "line": "[muted] Mmhmm. [shrugs]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Each side will have three minutes to prepare opening arguments. Topic: Hillary Swank is attractive." }, { "character": "Entire office", "line": "Hot!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "The debate is whether she is hot." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "What difference does it make? Attractive, beautiful, hot, we're talking about the same thing here." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Huge difference. A painting can be beautiful, but I don't want to bang a painting." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Okay, TMI." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "So, even specialty paper, say 94 brightness double-bonded, you would put that on the same truck as your conventional stock?" }, { "character": "Prince Grandfather", "line": "You sure know a lot about paper for a lawyer." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well that is... because... I am a genius." }, { "character": "Prince Grandfather", "line": "Oh really?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, well about some things, and other things I am very stupid. Like, watch this. Is this the cup? [picks up tape dispenser and makes drinking motion] Is this the cup? [picks up a stapler and makes drinking motion] Is this what I drink out of? [glug noise, both laugh] Laughter is my job, tears are my game, law is my profession." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hello, I would like to apply for a job." }, { "character": "Prince Grandfather", "line": "Hi, I'm afraid we're not hiring right now." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Why don't you just get rid of this guy? [points to Prince Son]" }, { "character": "Prince Grandfather", "line": "That's my son." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm your son now; you can visit him on holidays. Dwight Schrute, I'm a paper salesman at a second tier paper company called Dunder Mifflin. I'm the top salesman there and I'm looking for a new challenge. I would say you guys have what, 40 high full volume clients?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Try 80." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Pshaw, that's nothing. I've 90 clients myself. You had better look out, someone might run you out of business." }, { "character": "Prince Grandfather", "line": "I sure hope not." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Me too. [smirking]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I think all of us have a tendency to view celebrities as sort of mythical figures, you know? We don't really see them as real so therefore we don't judge them as real people." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Are you serious? Jim, just show us a picture." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Kevin, c'mon." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Yeah, shut up Kevin." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "He's making all these fancy, uh, it's a gut thing." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Kevin, you know what, why don't you close your eyes? Imagine that Hilary Swank comes into this office for real and she walks over to you [in a more and more seductive voice] and says Kevin Malone, I just read your online profile and there is nothing I would rather do then make out with you right now. And now you tell me something, is she hot? [Kevin gets up to join the \"hot\" team to their great joy] Does that end the debate?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[Kevin sits down, gets right back up and heads back to \"not hot\" team] No, it's is she hot, not would you do her. Respect the game." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oh my God." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[fingers opened an inch] This close." } ], [ { "character": "Prince", "line": "Grandfather: So why are you considering leaving Dunder Mifflin?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "My boss, his insensitivity might border on cruel. This is a man who does not listen to the needs his underlings. [Michael takes offense and charges over]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, hey, how is your interview going?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's going very well." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Don't blow it. Hey Linda, can I get a picture of you?" }, { "character": "Linda", "line": "You want a picture of me?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I would, could you just stand over here? That would be great [positioning her towards sign of Prince Family Paper customers] Just a little something to remember the trip by. A little to your left [positions Linda to get better picture]" }, { "character": "Linda", "line": "Can I get a copy of that?" }, { "character": "Prince Granddaughter", "line": "Grandma, I can't do this." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What's going on? Little homework over here? Lets see if I can help. Huh, math, that's not so hard. Ok. There are 4 of these, ignore the parenthesis, right?" }, { "character": "Prince Granddaughter", "line": "Right." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why is this little 2 so small? It's, it's weird, you don't, you just go by the x. The x means times. 4 times x 2. What is double 4?" }, { "character": "Prince Granddaughter", "line": "8" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Excellent! Way to go! Nice! [Michael and granddaughter Prince exchange high fives]" }, { "character": "Prince Grandmother", "line": "Don't put that. [granddaughter Prince erases and corrects answer]" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Ladies and gentlemen, even though the penis was fake, I was expecting a second plot twist where we found out Hilary Swank was a boy." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[disapprovingly] Kevin!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Ok, I wasn't going to dignify this discussion by getting involved, but I don't even get the discussion, hot is a temperature people. But Kevin deserves to lose for what he said, so, yes, she's hot, she's hot as heck, she's a female Boris Becker." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "OH! [the \"yes she's hot team\" claps]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, well thank you very much for all of your help. It's going to be an incredibly hard decision." }, { "character": "Prince Grandfather", "line": "Wait; let me get something for you. Here is some, some references. Here is a list of references, our top clients. You call any of them; I trust you will hear some good things." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I... Okay, okay, okay, [in disbelief] alright, thank you. [heads towards Dwight, makes make out lips signal]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[both making make out lips at each other] Excuse me sir, I took the bus here and was wondering if I could catch a ride home with you in your car." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Of course. Thank you very much. Thanks for your time." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thank you very much." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I cannot wait to contact your clients." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thank you for your time I look forward to getting your calls. [hurrying out door]" }, { "character": "Prince Grandfather", "line": "Bye bye now. So long." }, { "character": "Dwight & Michael", "line": "Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. [running out door]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Haha, we struck the mother load!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Cmon." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wallace is going to freak." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "All their top clients I can't believe it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "He's going to absolutely freak." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Someone's looking out the window. Go go, Peel out, go. [car hits front divider, screeching]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh shoot." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You drove over that. Go back [car hits divider, screeching]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh God, what was that?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's not good." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "No, no, no no. Shes hot, okay? Because if you are saying Hillary Swank isn't hot, then you are saying that I am not hot. Because obviously I am not as hot as Hillary Swank! [Kelly runs away in tears]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh my God." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Aw, it's alright." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh man," }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Aw, my car." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Not good." }, { "character": "Prince Grandfather", "line": "Is everyone okay?" }, { "character": "Prince Grandmother", "line": "It sounded bad." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No no, we are fine. You have done enough already." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You've done more then you can possibly know." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just, shut up. You know we are just going to call a tow truck, so..." }, { "character": "Prince Grandfather", "line": "A tow truck is going to charge you one hundred bucks to take you a mile. Let me take a look." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, really not necessary." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "He drove over the divider and then backed over it and caused the.." }, { "character": "Prince Grandfather", "line": "I'll be right back I'm just going to grab my tool box." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ladies, are we prepared to let the Kevins of the world decide anything for us? Anything at all? We don't even give him full internet access." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[surprised] Wait, what?" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "See that, the obvious symmetry of the face? That's a natural appeal of the scientific standard of coin aphelia, features that are a composite average of many features. Yes, she is attractive, but is not hot." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "How much longer is this going to take?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know let me give you some money for this." }, { "character": "Prince Son", "line": "No, I work at a desk all day, its nice working with my hands." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh coffee, that's too much. [Dwight drinks it]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "This is disgusting, what is it this, instant?" }, { "character": "Prince Grandfather", "line": "Well that outta do it. [bumper is heavily duct taped to the car]" }, { "character": "Prince Granddaughter", "line": "Its all better." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Prince Grandfather", "line": "Gosh, well so long. [they exchange byes]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I look forward to hearing from you about that job application." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok, goodbye Prince Family." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Goodbye prince family, [to Michael] should be called the Sucker family. Here you go shark, let me fix your fin for you and sharpen your teeth while I'm at it. [Dwight laughs evilly, Michael seems remorseful] Bye bye." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[punches Michael on the arm, beckons to Michael for high five, does not get it, high fives himself, smiles contently]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[entire office is chatting] I'm saying, all I'm saying is Kevin is not necessarily a feminist, is all I'm saying." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, because... [Dwight and Michael walk in and march into Michael's office, silencing the conversation]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight, what will happen to that family if I call David and give him this information?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Its simple, David would use that information to destroy them." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok. You know, our sales are fine. We're doing fine. They're doing fine." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "They could do better." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why don't we just, live and let live?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Live and let live." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm not familiar with that expression," }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's from James Bond." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It doesn't make sense, of course I'm alive." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm not going to make this call." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael, you have to. Have you ever seen a lioness devour its cub? Have you ever seen a baboon devour its mate? Have you ever seen a raccoon devour a squirrel?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "My heart says..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Your heart is a wonderful thing, Michael. But it has made some terrible decisions." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That is true." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That is true. We have gone down the wrong path many many times." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jan... Ryan." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, save your heart for love, and use your brain for business, right? If we don't do this to prince paper, someone else will. Worse yet, someone else will do it to us." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I am trying to be more optimistic in life. I've got what, 20 or 30 years left. And my family history says I have less. Now, the old Stanley Hudson would have found something wrong this actress. But that is no way to live life. Look at this healthy sexy pretty strong young woman. C'mon people! She is hot." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "There was a terrible war, ugh, so many died. Far too many died. But if Frodo hadn't destroyed the ring, then goodness itself might have died." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're right." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You are right. I will call David and give him the customer list and I will give him all my info." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Good, so, [Michael takes client list and heads out of office] where are you going?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just something I have to do first." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Where are you taking the client list?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Somewhere safe, where it can't hurt anyone [starts running, Dwight follows]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael, Michael, no. Michael, give that. Michael, don't do this. No. [chasing Michael out of the office into parking lot]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh shoot! [gets to his car turns around]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Freeze, give me the list! [still chasing him back into office where Michael grabs his car keys from his desk and heads back to parking lot]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No no no, I can't let you do this!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Those people will be ruined. [runs out back door]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Its business, not personal. [they run back outside, where Dwight gets paper from Michael]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Give it, give it. We can't do this to those people." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Its over, Michael, its over. [holding list of clients up]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Im not a shark." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Okay, it is time for the final votes. All of those in favor of resolution Hillary Swank is hot? [half of office raises hand] Okay. And all those opposed? [he skips back and joins other half of office in raising hand]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "This is ridiculous." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "That's the thing about debating, you're just going to get people more entrenched in the view they had in the first place. [two sides of the debate start arguing]" } ], [ { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "This is good stuff Michael. You are a titan of industry pal." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[pained] Mpfh." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Good work." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Look I'll be in touch, thanks buddy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, bye bye." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Guess whose stock just went up, golden boy?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I guess this is what they call a bittersweet moment. It is bitter because I slightly destroyed a wonderful little family. But sweet because David Wallace thought I did a good job. That's what I hate bittersweet chocolate. I don't even... what's the point of that? Why not just sweet? Who are you helping?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, hey what is this?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hillary swank." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, she is hot. [\"Hillary Swank is hot\" supporters cheer]" } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Last week I gave a fire safety talk. [clears throat] And nobody paid any attention. It's my own fault for using PowerPoint. PowerPoint is boring. People learn in a lot of different ways, but experience is the best teacher. [lights a cigarette] Today, smoking is gonna save lives. [throws cigarette into garbage can filled with paper and lighter fluid]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[looking around office to see if anyone notices the smoke] Does anyone smell anything smoky?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Did you bring your jerky in again?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[clears throat]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[points to smoke] Oh, my God! Uh, Oh my God!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "What--" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Whoa, fire!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, fire! Oh my goodness! What's the procedure? What do we do, people?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "The phones are dead." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, how did that happen?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "It's out in the hall." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, we don't know that. The smoke could be coming through an air duct." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh my God! Okay, it happening. Everybody stay calm." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What's the procedure, everyone? What's the procedure?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Stay [bleep] calm!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wait, wait, wait." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Everyone, now [bleep] calm down!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No! No, Michael! No! Touch the handle. If it's hot, there could be a fire in the hallway." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What does warm mean?" }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "[groaning] Oh my God." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Not a viable option." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Try a different door." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, what's next?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Don't run." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh! Here's a door. Check that one out. How's the handle?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It-- it's warm." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, uh, another option. [everyone chattering at once]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Back door." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Back to our options. Jeez! Ok! settle down everyone. No bunching!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh! I forgot my purse." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Leave it woman!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Get out of the way! Go, go, go!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Things can be replaced, Phyllis! People, human lives, however, can..." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Ah! My hand! That's hot!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Aah! This ones hot too!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, we're trapped. Everyone for himself." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, let's go." }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "[shouting] Out of my way! Let's go. Get out of my way!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Calm, please" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Get out of the way!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Have you ever seen a burn victim?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Move it!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay! Procedure, procedure. Exit options. Where do we go folks? Wha-- Use a what to cover the mouth?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[pulling cat out of filing drawer] It's okay. Shh shhh." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "A what? A rag. A damp rag, perhaps. Let's remember those procedures. What are the options? Okay, that's the wrong way. We've already tried that. Remember your exit points. Exit points people." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oscar." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What's next?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oscar!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Stay alive! I'm getting help!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Pull me up!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You're too heavy!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I only weigh 82 pounds! Uh-- save Bandit! [throws cat into air duct and he falls out through the other side] Oh!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "How about 911? Anyone? 911. [Michael throws a chair at the window, Kevin smashes a chair through the vending machine and begins to grab snacks, everyone is shouting.]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What do we do?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Use the surge of fear and adrenaline to sharpen your decision-making." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, I am not dying here. Come on. [everyone is coughing from the smoke, Dwight lights some fire crackers and they start popping]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "What is that? What is that?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "The fire's shooting at us!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "What in the name of God is going on?!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yes! [Dwight pulls fire alarm] Yes, ba-- Yes, battering ram! Battering ram!" }, { "character": "Phyllis & Creed", "line": "Ahhhh!!! [Oscar's leg crashes through the ceiling]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Go, go, go, go, go!! [Andy and Jim ram the door with the copy machine]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[throws the projector out the window] Help!! Help!!" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I'm about to die!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[blowing air horn] Attention everyone! Employees of Dunder Mifflin! This has been a test of our emergency preparedness. There is no fire. It was only a simulation." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What?!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Fire not real. This was merely a training exercise. [Oscar drops down from the ceiling] So, what have we learned? [Stanley falls to the floor] Oh come on. It's not real Stanley. Don't have a heart attack." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, no! You will not die! Stanley! Stanley! You will not die! Stanley! Stanley! Barack is president! You are black, Stanley! I'm gonna give him mouth to mouth." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, no, no! Don't give him mouth to mouth for this!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "He's going to swallow is tongue." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No. Michael. Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Open your mouth. Come on. Don't swallow it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[everyone shouting at once] Michael! Michael!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Leave me al--" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You're choking him!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Saving him!" } ], [ { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "How could you possibly think this is a good idea?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "A lot of ideas were not appreciated in their time." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Electricity." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Shampoo." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "You could have burned down the whole building." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I just want to say for the record, I did not kill anyone. Stanley was attacked by his own heart. And he should be released from the hospital and back in the office in a couple days." }, { "character": "Lawyer", "line": "Did you shout, \"Fire!\", causing a panic?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes I shouted \"fire!\". I shouted many things! I also shouted instructions on how to get out of the building, so you can imagine my frustration as safety officer when nobody would heed of what-- heeded--" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hed. Hedded" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "When no one hedded--" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Take hedded of." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "N-no one would take hedded of my instructions." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Heed. Heed." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So, you--" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Take heed of." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And, well, I don't see my co-workers--" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Take heed of." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hee-heeding this right now." }, { "character": "Lawyer", "line": "Wh--what?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. [walks to the window, sighs] This city. Dwight. We are not mad, we are just disappointed." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "No, we are mad." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes. We are. We are livid. But we are going to let this one slide." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "No, we're not." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am not a mind reader, David." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Look, this is very serious offense. We have cause to fire you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Can you shove down? Instead... shove down, please. Instead, what I think we should do is strip of your title as safety officer." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And we should take a part of his pay and donate it the charity of your choice. Something that Dwight doesn't like." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "PETA." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Michael, you have to take responsibility here. One of your employees had a heart attack. He could have died, because of the way that you are allowing your office to run. Do you want that on your conscious?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do you?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You talking to me?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well... I guess we papered over that pretty nicely. [chuckles] It always amuses me when corporate thinks they can make some big change with a twenty minute meeting in some fancy high-rise. What's the matter? You hungry?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[sighs] No, Dwight. I am worried. A man's life is in my hands." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Don't you worry about that. I got it covered. Okay?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I am planning a bomb scare that should really get the blood pumping." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's not gonna happen. I'm taking over as safety man." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What? You?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Come on." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm a smart guy. I'll figure it out." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's preposterous." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I will." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nobody should have to go to work thinking, \"Oh, this is the place that I might die today.\" That's what a hospital is for. An office is for not dying. An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max, to... An office is a place where dreams come true." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Shhh! Don't excite him. Don't make him excitable. [whispering] Welcome back, Stanley." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Thank you, Michael." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "It's true. Around this office, in the past, I have been a little abrupt with people..." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[flashback] Not maybe. Yes or no." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[flashback] No way. Uh-uh." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[flashback] Are you from another planet?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[flashback] Boy, have you lost your mind? 'Cause I'll help you find it." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[flashback] Did I stutter?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[flashback] I'm done. Goodbye." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "But the doctor said if I can't find a new way to relate more positively to my surroundings I'm going to die." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Andy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[in a British accent] A throne for your highness." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I'm not sitting in a wheelchair." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, no. No debate. You are going to sit in that wheelchair until you are back on your feet." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I'm going to die." } ], [ { "character": "CPR trainer", "line": "A-B-C. Okay? And hat stands for... airway, breathing and circulation." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, you know what? That could be a little confusing, because in sales A-B-C means \"always be closing.\"" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "This is a farce. I should be teaching this course." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Shut it. Shut it." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "We found ourselves on the less prepared side of things when Stanley had his... when his heart went berserk. And I knew exactly what to do, but in a much more real sense I had no idea what to do. So I thought we should have CPR training class and of course you can't get the practice dummy unless the instructor comes along with it. Red Cross, you know, racket." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[giving chest compressions to the practice dummy] I can't keep doing this forever." }, { "character": "CPR Trainer", "line": "It's been 20 seconds." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Call it." }, { "character": "CPR Trainer", "line": "Would you like to try next?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Absolutely I would not." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know who I really think should go? Stanley." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Oh, I don't know." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "That's not a good idea, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Come on." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "He needs to rest." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No rest for the sick. We are not always going to be there to coddle your heart back when it disappears to be working. What are you gonna do if you're by yourself and your heart stops?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I would die." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And you're okay with that?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I'm okay with the logic of it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh-uh. No, no, no. Come on. Get up. Let's do this." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Yes. I had a heart attack. I would quit, but I'm too old to find another job and I don't have enough saved to retire. I feel like I'm working in my own casket." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Come on Stanley. You're losing you. You're losing you. Do it!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Michael!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "This is you we're talking about." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, okay. I'll show them. Here we go. [whispers] Stanley. All right." }, { "character": "CPR Trainer", "line": "So, assessing the situation. Are they breathing?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, Rose. They are not breathing. And they have no arms or legs." }, { "character": "Rose", "line": "No, that's not part of it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Where are they? You know what? If we come across somebody with no arms or legs do we bother resuscitating them? I mean, what kind of quality of life do we have there?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I would want to live with no legs." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "How about no arms? No arms or legs is basically how you exist right now, Kevin. You don't do anything." }, { "character": "Rose", "line": "All right, well, lets get back to it. 'Cause you're losing him. Okay, too fast. Everyone, we need to pump at a pace of a 100 beats per minute ." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "okay, that's uh, hard to keep track. How many is that per hour?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "How's that gonna help you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I will divide and then count to it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Right." }, { "character": "Rose", "line": "Okay. Well, a good trick is to pump to the tune of 'Staying Alive' by the Bee Gees. Do you know that song?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, yes I do. I love that song. [clears throat, begins to sing] First I was afraid, I was petrified." }, { "character": "Rose", "line": "No, it's--Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, stayin' alive, stayin' alive." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, I got it." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "[to Rose] You were in the parking lot earlier. That's how I know you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, stayin' alive, stayin' alive [Andy joins in] Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, stayin' alive, stayin' alive." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh you can tell by the way I use my walk I'm a woman's man, no time to talk. Music loud, women warm, been kicked around since I was born. Oh, it's alright, it's okay, [Michael and Kelly join in] you can look the other way. Loo do do!" }, { "character": "Rose", "line": "Okay!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Da, da, da, da, da, da, da" }, { "character": "Rose", "line": "Okay!" }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "[muttering] Stayin' alive, stayin' alive." }, { "character": "Rose", "line": "Yeah, okay. You didn't maintain 100 beats per minute, and the ambulance didn't arrive because nobody called 911. So you lost him." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, he's dead. Anyone know what we do next? Anybody? Rose?" }, { "character": "Rose", "line": "I have no idea." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Anyone else?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "We bury him?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wrong. Ehh. Check for an organ donor card. If he has one, we only have minutes to harvest." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "He has no wallet, I checked." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "He is an organ donor." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "He is." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Get me some ice and a styrofoam bucket. [pulls out knife from holder that is attached to his leg] Here we go." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oh my God! Dwight!" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Dwight!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "What are you-- [people are yelling] What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "We search for the organs. Where's the heart? The precious heart." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I'm not feeling well. I need to sit down." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, Stanley." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Stanley." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Are you okay?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oh my God! [Dwight has cut the face off the CPR dummy and put it over his own]" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Oh my God!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Dwight!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Clarice?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Oh my God!" } ], [ { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Could you tell me why you had to cut the face off the dummy?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I didn't think it was very realistic in the movie and it turns out, it's pretty realistic." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "We had to pay for it. Cost us thirty five hundred dollars." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Five thousand three hundred dollars for a dummy?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wow." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, look. David, this is why we have training. We start with the dummy, and we learn from our mistakes. And now Dwight knows not to cut the face off of a real person." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hope you brought your appetitos. My lady. My tuna. A little movie popcorn. [dumps popcorn in bowl, it's almost all seeds] Uh, damn it. This movie, a lot of buzz. Not coming out for another six months. Mrs. Albert Hannaday. So, friendship with the Nard-dog has its privileges." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "We don't normally download films illegally. Because we're honest, hardworking people." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And we don't know how." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "But Andy does, so we have to watch it with him." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Punishment fits the crime." } ], [ { "character": "Jessica Alba", "line": "[movie] I want you to meet my nana. Nana..." }, { "character": "Lily", "line": "Mmmhmm..." }, { "character": "Jessica Alba", "line": "This is Sam." }, { "character": "Sam", "line": "Hi. Nice to meet you Mrs. Hannaday." }, { "character": "Lily", "line": "Please-- Call me Lily. [light chuckle] Let's play Bridge. You can be my partner." }, { "character": "Sam", "line": "Alright... Lily." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[after Pam checks her cell phone] What's going on?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh, no one really knows, but Pam's parents are going through a little bit of a rough patch in their marriage." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "My dad spent the night at our place last night. My parents have been fighting for weeks and... it kinda sucks. Jim's been great. But I'm gonna need to buy my dad a robe." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "He's not saying what he needs to say." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hmm? Who? Sam?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I mean, they just need to communicate, you know? If they said to each other what they're saying to everyone else, then--" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hmm." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Jim and Pam are, like, movie geniuses. They're catching things that are totally going over my head." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hi, everyone. Corporate has given Dwight two strikes. They are very, very upset with him. So, as a disciplinary measure he is going to have to issue a formal apology. Dwight, have you prepared your statement of regret?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I have." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Let's hear it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[clears throat] \"I state my regret.\"" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You couldn't of memorized that?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I could not, because I do not feel it. Okay, everyone. I am going to need you to sign this statement of regret as an acknowledgement that you heard it. Okay? Everyone come on up here. It's not a big deal." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "It is a big deal. You almost killed Stanley." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, right. I filled him full of butter and sugar for 50 years and forced him not to exercise. Now, take a lesson from Stanley and jog on up here and sign this, okay? Make a line. Just form a line right here. Sign it! Sign it now!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hi dad. Yeah Jim has shaving cream, check our bathroom." } ], [ { "character": "Lily", "line": "[movie] I'm in here." }, { "character": "Sam", "line": "I uh, I'm sorry I didn't uh, realize you were in a bath. Do you want me to go?" }, { "character": "Lily", "line": "I want you to stay." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Gimme a break." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I know it man. You know, Lilly was supposed to be Nicole Kidman, um and it was gonna be Sophie's mom, not grandmother. But then Nicole kidman dropped out so they went with Lily, with a small rewrite." } ], [ { "character": "Sam", "line": "[movie] Get that in there. Oh yeah." }, { "character": "Lily", "line": "Get that done already." }, { "character": "Sam", "line": "I know but if I get it in deeper..." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[to Pam] Can you believe this? [pause] He was pretty talkative at breakfast." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah... but... eh... breakfast? You mean when they were eating soup? I don't think that was breakfast. Unless soup, does soup symbolize breakfast?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "So he doesn't share it with his daughter but he shares it with his daughter's fiance?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You guys, they're making out." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Um, did my dad say anything about my mom?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mmm... nope, we mostly just talked about cereal." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[sighs]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I dunno. I mean, maybe he'll talk to you about some of this stuff 'cause he can't really talk to me about it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mmm..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You're good to talk to." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[laughs] I'm ok, I'm not, great, and um... [nods]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[in a monk-impression tone] Ohmmm... Ohmmm... Everybody sit on the floor Indian style like me. [Meredtih sits Indian style in a dress exposing herself right in front of Michael] Ohmmm my God if you're wearing a dress please keep your knees together nobody wants to see that ohmmm... ohmmm..." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "My goal is to make this office as peaceful a place for Stanley Hudson as I can. I think sounds have a lot to do with that. Here are some downloaded peaceful sounds. [a couple of sounds play on the computer] That one makes me think... of death. It's kinda nice..." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[everyone is lying on the floor in the conference room with the light off, Michael is walking around with a candle in his hand] It is a beautiful, sunny day as we walk through the meadow that is very spiritual and relaxing and there are flowers and it is sunny and beautiful. Now, up ahead, a castle, in a distance." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Don't open your eyes." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What? [opens her eyes, Michael is standing over her] Oh..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And you walk up toward the castle, and inside the castle are 4 men, and each of them, none of them have shoes, and they give you a funny cigarette, and you feel even more relaxed, and then you want ice cream. You want a big bowl of ice cream. What kind do you want? Shout it out." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Chunky monkey." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Too expensive." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Chocolate." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Racism is dead Stanley, you can have any kind of ice cream you want. What do you want? [beeping starts] What is that? People! Please I told you to get rid of the cell phones." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "It's my bio-feedback machine.." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, ok. What is that, like, a video game?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "It alerts me when my stress level goes up so I can try to calm down." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You have stress?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Yes..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "During our relaxation exercise?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Let me get you some water." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No no, I'll help you. I'll help you up. Here we go." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "No, Michael, No. [beeping speeds up]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Let me getcha." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Would ya, would ya step back please" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok, alright." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Please. A little further." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok. [beeping slows down]" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "That's better. [Michael walks back towards Stanley and the beeping goes up again]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok... I think that thing is on the fritz. Ahh... Oscar, would you reach over and touch his thing? That's what HE said! Right guys, 'cause of gay? [Oscar has Stanley's monitor now] Let's give this a shot." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hellloo... [beeping speeds up as Michael gets closer]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Michael, I think you're what's stressing everybody out." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "So... it wasn't Dwight after all. Looks like I am the killer. You never expect that you're the killer... it's uh... great twist. Great twist." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Dunder Mifflin this is Pam. Oh, hey Mom. No, what did Dad say?" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "What did you say to my dad?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "After you talked, he called my mom and said he was gonna look for an apartment." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh my God. Pam, I don't know, I, nothing, truly, nothing. I mean, I, I just was honest with him and I, I'm so sorry, I don't know. I'll call him again. [Pam rolls her eyes and walks away]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce, so... it was her parents or my parents..." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "What could Jim have said to make my dad want to leave my mom? And at what point in our marriage is he gonna say it to me?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't get it. Do I stress you out?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Nothing stresses me out. Except having to seek the approval of my inferiors." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Speaking of which... [hands Michael the paper to sign for Dwight's formal apology]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Remember when people used to say boss, when they were describing something that was really cool like, those shoulder pads are really boss man... Look at that perm, that perm is so boss. It's what made me want to become a boss. And I looked so good in a perm and shoulder pads. But now, boss is just slang for jerk in charge." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok everybody, I've figured it out. The reason that you are all so stressed around me is that you are too intimidated to tell me what you really think. [Jim shakes his head at the camera] You are keeping these feelings inside, and that is what's causing stress. So, what is the solution? Solution is honesty, laughter, and comedy. In short..." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "A vacation." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What? No. No, I am talking about a roast! Of Michael Scott! Oh c'mon! Who here has the Comedy Central Roast channel? You've seen it right? Everybody gets together, and everyone starts hurling insults at the one guy, and everybody's laughing, and everybody's hugging each other..." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Michael are you serious? You really want us to roast you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Si senor." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "That's offensive." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's not! It's not offensive during a roast! Anything goes! I want you guys to really get crackin on this. I want you to take me down. Don't hold back. I want you to really make fun of anything about me. It could be my race, could be the fact that I'm so fit, or I'm a womanizer... fair game. Whatever. I don't want to write your stuff for you, but I just want it to be good." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[giggling] Oh my GOD... Oh man... Ohhhhh my God..." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I consider myself a good person. But I'm gonna try to make him cry." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I can already feel people's stress starting to melt. I think they're very excited about paying their respects this way. I have got to make sure that YouTube comes down to tape this." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "May I have your attention please? Sign in, sign in on the sign in sheet, the clipboard. This meeting is mandatory, if you do not sign in your name will not be counted. Thank you." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Hey, this is your apology letter." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That was the last signature I needed." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Whoo!! Welcome welcome welcome welcome welcome. You are all jerks. Just kidding, not yet anyway. Welcome to the roast of Mr. Michael Scott. If you're here for the Grabowski wedding, it is the second door on the left. [Creed looks around] So, we all know how these work, needs to get crazy, take your best shot. I am going to sit right here on my chair and... ah... whoever wants to come up and roast me, you may. [Angela jumps up] Ok... lower the mic for the midget." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "If you ever wondered if you were Michael Scott, here's a quiz to help. If you ever put sunblock on a window, you might be Michael Scott. [laughter]" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "I normally don't enjoy making people laugh. [grin]" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "If you ever called the fire department 'cause your head was stuck in your chair you might be..." }, { "character": "Group", "line": "Michael Scott! [laughter]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey Hey, I don't go make burgers where you work and then tell you how to make burgers. Ha ha!" } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I have made a list of people that I would make out with before I would make out with Michael Scott. A turtle, a fridge, anybody from the warehouse, a woodchipper, Kevin, a candle, and Lord Voldemort. Anyway, Happy Birthday Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're so lucky! Good one... [clapping]" } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Michael? You ran over me with your car. You posted a picture of my bare boobs on the bulletin board with a caption that said \"Gross\"..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well..." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Michael, you are the reason I drink. You are the reason I live to forget." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pow pow pow... [hands making gunshot impression, sporadic clapping]" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[yelling at Michael in Spanish]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Toby tries to come on stage] NO! No, friends only. Friends ONLY. [Toby shrugs and sits back down]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Several times a day, Michael says words that are way beyond my vocabulary." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know where this is goin'." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Do ya?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok. Remember Spider face?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "OK. 'Cause the quote was, cut off your nose to spiderface." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Spite her - ok [laughter]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah... yep." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "How dare you all attack him like this." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, stop it Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael is your superior." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No no no no no no!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, you should be bowing down in front of him." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight your'e supposed to do it this way." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ok, no, they don't understand who they have..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That is the way you're supposed to do it, idiot." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You're interrupting me. I'm trying to get your back." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Idiot. Idiot! Idiot. Idiot." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Are you calling me an idiot?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Idiot." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Don't you ever talk to me that way. You pathetic, short little man. You don't have any friends, or any family, or any land. [clapping and whooing]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well I just want to take a minute to talk to you all about something very serious. Once every hour, someone is involved in an internet scam. That man is Michael Scott. [laughter] He's supporting about 20 Nigerian princesses." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, ya know what? Forgive me for caring. Right?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, ya know, Michael is a great delegator. He never does any work himself. Ever. And one time, I walked in on him naked, and his thing is so small. [quickly walks off stage] If it were an iPod it would be a shuffle! [clapping, laughter]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Can I make just a little announcement. In a professional roast, usually the roaster will say something nice about the roastee after they're done, something about how much they love them, so, just, keep that in mind." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Mike claims, we're all a family isn't that right?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We are, we are a family." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Ok, so um, what's his name? All the way in the back there." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh very funny." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "What's his name?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uhh... hehe hah! I'm thinking Roy?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Roy left years ago. What's his name?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't believe I have had the pleasure." }, { "character": "Warehouse Michael", "line": "Michael I gave you a ride home last week, we spent an hour in traffic..." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "What's his name?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jefferson." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Nope. His name is Michael. [Michael makes the da dum ksch on the drumset again]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[singing and playing the guitar] What I hate about you, you really suck as a boss, you're the laziest, jerkiest and you're dumber than applesauce. We're stuck listening to you all day, Stanley tried to die just to get away, heeey, well it's true. That's what I hate about you. That's what I hate about you. Yeah. And now, a man that deserves no introduction, Michael Scott." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Haha ha. Thank you very much, thank you. That was great. Great job, great laughs. Really, really went after my intelligence there. [clears throat] Dozens of online IQ test might prove you wrong, but, and my thing isn't tiny, its average, so... get your facts straight. [clears throat again] So when I heard that there was going to be a roast in my honor, I thought [choking up, clears throat again] sorry. [laughs nervously] I think I have a frog in my throat. Um... [sigh] I decided to jot down some quick thoughts about you people, um, first up Phyllis and Kevin. Uh um... [Michael walks off stage, knocking over the snare drum]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Dunder Mifflin this is Pam. Uh, I'm sorry, Michael's not here right now can I take a message? Great. I will. Thanks." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's very unusual for Michael not to show up to work. My guess? He's either deeply depressed, or an icicle has snapped off his roof and impaled his brain. He has this terrible habit of standing directly underneath them and staring up at them. And I always say Michael, take two steps back, and stare at the icicle from the side. And he's like no, I like the way they look from standing directly underneath them." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[in the lunch room, with a sock puppet] He is so dumb that he tries to put his M&Ms in alphabetical order. [giggles]" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Alright Kevin. Enough with the Michael jokes. I think he got it bad enough yesterday." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I'm almost done." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "That reeks, and I'm trying to eat." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Attention everyone I just got a text from Michael. He says personnel day. Are we hiring?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yep. You're being replaced." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I think he meant personal day." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, that's quite a leap Pam." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I hope he's ok, I feel bad." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Give it up, he's dead." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "He just sent a text..." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "What's a text?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[at a park throwing whole pieces of bread] Caw... caw... caw caw... caw..." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know sometimes, to get perspective, I like to think about a spaceman on a star incredibly far away. And, our problems don't matter to him, because we're just a distant point of light. But he feels sorry for me, because he has an incredibly powerful microscope, and he can see my face. [looks towards the sky] I'm okay. No, I'm not." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Phyllis there's a package for you." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh, ok. [Phyllis signs for the package, opens an empty box]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[after snatching the clipboard with her signature] Got it." } ], [ { "character": "Lily", "line": "[movie] Sam, Sam Sam. It's not that you dumped my granddaughter, and its not that you want children. It, it's that you lied to me. Can't you see that? Can't you see? Oh, I can never trust you. [Andy looks like he's going to cry]" }, { "character": "Sam", "line": "Lilly no. Lilly! Lilly please! Lilly STOP! I don't care how much time we have left. I don't care what my friends say! And I don't care what your mom thinks! Frankly I'm pretty sure she's not makin any sense. Please. Move back to my apartment. [Andy's crying, \"I'm All Out of Love\" starts playing] Lilly. I'm not giving up. I'm not giving up. Lilly... Lilly! Push the reverse button! Reverse the button!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[through tears] Sam! Sam!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey Dad. No I know, Mom told me. Ok. Yeah I'll see ya then." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "So what did he say? Was it my fault?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah. He said that you told him how much you love me. About how you feel when I walk in a room, and about how, you've never doubted for a second that I'm the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with. I guess he's never felt that with my mom, even at their best." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You ok?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah. [they hug]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "When you're a kid you assume your parents are soul mates. My kids are gonna be right about that. I guess it also means that sometimes love affairs look different to the people inside them. [Andy is in the background, looks incredulous]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I am not insightful enough to be a movie critic. Mm... maybe I could be a food critic. These muffins taste bad. Hmm, or an art critic. That painting is bad." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael! It's really good to see you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey. Why are you wearing a turtleneck?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Are you alright?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Michael, I feel like I was a little harsh yesterday. [murmurs of agreement]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I um, I spent the afternoon in the park trying to feed the pigeons, I guess they all flew west for the winter, and I, I just had some thoughts that I wanted to share with you people." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well I wrote them down so I wouldn't forget. Jim, you're 6'11 and you weigh 90 pounds, Gumby has a better body than you. Boom. Roasted. Dwight, you're a kiss ass. Boom. Roasted. Pam, you failed art school. Boom. Roasted. Meredith, you've slept with so many guys you're starting to look like one. Boom. Roasted. Kevin, I can't decide between a fat joke and a dumb joke. Boom. Roasted. Creed, you're teeth called, your breath stinks. Boom. Roasted. Angela where's Angela? [Angela raises her hand] Whoa there you are, I didn't see you there behind that grain of rice. Boom. Roasted. Stanley, you crush your wife during sex and your heart sucks. Boom. Roasted. Oscar, you are... [Stanley is laughing] Oscar, you're gay." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Wow." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Andy, Cornell called, they think you suck. And you're gayer than Oscar. Boom. Roasted. [Stanley is still laughing] Alright. Alright everybody, you know I kid, you know I kid. You guys are the reason I went into the paper business, so, uh, goodnight, God bless, God bless America, and get home safe. [clapping and murmurs of appreciation]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "They say that laughter is the best medicine so Stanley, you can throw away those pills. You are cured. Actually, you should... better hold onto them pills, just in case." } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[breathing heavy over intercom, starts laughing]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "This morning the phone guy comes in, and he shows Michael that the phones have a PA function. And then he just left." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[over PA] This is your captain speaking, the office will be flying at an altitude of two stories. Look out your left hand window and you will see Vance Refrigeration. [snickering] I am the ghost of salesman past, do not come near me. [wheezing laughing, starts coughing] Yes Michael Scott for Dr. Jocelyn, please. Hello doctor I was just following up on my mole again. No, I was looking online about sebaceous cysts. I have not been squeezing it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[disgusted groan]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Could I stick it with a pin?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ugh." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[still talking over PA] Toby Flenderson to the principal's office. Your mother called, and it appears that you wet the bed again. So you have to get home to wash your sheets [Jim stands up, puts scissors in back pocket] because they are yellow and they're wet with your urine." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[sighs and knocks on Michaels door]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You, and at six foot six, from the University of North Carolina, Jiiiiim Halpeeeeert." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's pretty funny. Hey you know what? Did I drop my, uh..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What the heck? Is that, uh... [bends down, cuts phone cords with scissors]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You find it?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I didn't, I'll look somewhere else." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Would you like fries with that? Please drive around." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[knocks on Pam's hotel door] Hello, good morning." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Good morning." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You ready? And we're off, like a herd of turtles." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, Pam and I have eloped. Actually we just robbed a bank, and we are on the lam. [laughs] No, uh, seriously, I am on a lecture circuit. Apparently Scranton has the best sales of any regional branch. So David Wallace has asked me to go to all the branches, except Nashua, still a little bit raw there. Um, but I am going to these branches and sharing my secret recipe for success. My 11 business herbs and spices, in a sales batter. [looks at Pam] Oh that, well, that is Pam. Pam is coming along as my assistant and my driver so I can focus. And I like to pack heavy." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "He brought a sled." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No! That is a toboggan, you never know when you're gonna find a snowy hill so... Every magician has a hot assistant, and every rock star has a roadie, and Pam is my hot roadie." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah. I love being on the road, but I especially love the time and a half pay 24 hours a day, for three days. Cause I have a mortgage now, got a bring home the bucks." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, oh don't say bucks, it's not lady like. Here we go! [gets in backseat] Okay so what we do is drive all day and we stay in hotels together at night." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Separate rooms." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well that goes without saying." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm going to say it anyway." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey! Look at what you're wearing again, Pam. Have you ever seen a magician's assistant? That's..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "This is a new cardigan." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "...kind of [retches] Maybe you could tie it around your waist or lose the shirt underneath or something." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. Oh, all right." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[front door slams, Kelly walks by] Hey, Kelly." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Screw you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Excuse me, that is no way to address a superior." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh yeah? Screw you too." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Whoa! What was that all about." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "You forgot her birthday, it was yesterday." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Jim and Dwight sitting next to each other in talking head interview] Go ahead." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Go ahead, you do it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I insist." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Basically after Phyllis blackmailed Angela, Michael asked them to both step down from the party planning committee cause there was too much drama." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What he said was... [puts finger toward Jim's face]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[pushes Dwight's finger away] Just, easy." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "...there was a problem with having one head of the party planning committee. She becomes too powerful, so he appointed two heads." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Party planning is literally the stupidest thing I have ever done in my life." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[at the same time as Jim] I am a paper salesman, this is humiliating. [shoves Jim's arm away] That's on my side." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "So this is fun." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "My birthday was yesterday, and everybody forgot. I got really dressed up and excited, and no one said a word. There wasn't even a party. I think sometimes people are really mean to the hot, popular girl." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Can I turn on the radio?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. I need silence or Sam Kinison to prepare." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "But then you fall asleep and there's nothing for me to do." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Then listen to your iPod, Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That's dangerous." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well then... hey you know what then let's just talk." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That's okay I can... I'm fine. I'll just play a song in my head." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You nervous about seeing Karen again, since she was the other woman? Actually you were the other woman so..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, that was a long time ago." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Is that why your wearing makeup today?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, I'm not even wearing that much." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I hate the idea that someone out there hates me. I even hate thinking that Al-Qaeda hates me. I think if they got to know me, they wouldn't hate me. But Karen knows me, and she still hates me, so..." } ], [ { "character": "Julia", "line": "Oh, this is a nice office." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[laughs] You don't have to lie. Through here." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Um Phyllis, who's that?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "She's out of your league Andy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "For your information, I have been with lots of beautiful women." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Sexually?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "This conversation is over." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I am single now. What we have here, is the ultimate smackdown between the Nard-Dog and crippling despair, loneliness, and depression. I intend to win." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "We just wanted to say we are very sorry." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Screw you guys. You're dead to me." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "If you say screw you one more time..." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Yeah, screw you, beefer, I don't forget your birthday, I would never do that." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey, HEY." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[while Dwight and Kelly are arguing] Guys guys guys guys guys guys. We just want to make it up to you. What can we do?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I guess my only wish, would be that nothing so terrible would ever happen to anyone else ever again." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh God." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "In a way, it's good that it happened to me, because at least I can bear it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What kind of cake do you want imbecile." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Ice Cream." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[taking Michael's picture] Okay, uh, point at the Dunder Mifflin." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hello, Rolando, how are you?" }, { "character": "Rolando", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Rolando, [clears throat] I'd like you to meet Pam. She is our receptionist. You know what? Maybe you guys could go out on a little friend date sometime." }, { "character": "Rolando", "line": "[sarcastically chuckles] Uh, your late, everyone's already in the conference room. Karen will be right here to take you over." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, don't be nervous, just picture her naked." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Stop it, please." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's what I do, steal my trick." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Please cut it out." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Hey. Hi, guys." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[notices Karen's pregnant] Oh my God. Is that Jim's?" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "What!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael!" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Of course not!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. Wow. Oh man! My head just exploded. Whoo! Thank God, for everybody right? Whoo kay. Wow, you're huge! That's incredible! I... God sorry, sorry my head is... I'm just, I'm trying to figure out the last time that you and Jim had sex, and..." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Let's just get this over with, shall we?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, Mm Hmm. Ten, ten months?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[partially blown up balloons on table and hanging from streamers] Are you kidding?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, I'm not done yet." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dwight. This, [picks up balloon] fits in the palm of my hand. You haven't blown 'em up enough. Why have you chosen brown and gray balloons?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "They match the carpet" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What is that? [looks at sign that says \"IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY.\"] It is your birthday period." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's a statement of fact." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Not even an exclamation point?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "This is more professional. It's not like she discovered a cure for cancer." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I can't believe how bad this looks." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Are you trying to hurt my feeling? Because if so, you are succeeding. Fortunately, my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man's." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, good then." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Have you collected the money from everyone?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I am working on it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "How much do you have?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Six dollars." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[yelling] That's how much you and I contributed! I... Damn it Jim!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I said I was working on it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[sighs]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[looking into Julia's car] Trying to see what CD's she got. It's good to know the deets about the girl you're wooing. Eh, Aha! Fiest. Yes! [bangs on car and alarm goes off] Whoa! Aah, Aah! [backs up and runs into another car starting another alarm]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[on cell phone] NO! Oh, my God. Oh, No. That is so awful. That is the worst news. I have to go. I have to do a presentation. I'll talk to you... [hangs up phone, sighs] This is going to be hard for me to speak today. Because I just learned that my father has died. ... No, he didn't! He is alive. And this isn't even a cell phone. This is a calculator. But you bought it! And now you can't return it. Or can you? No you can't. [Karen raises her hand] Yes. Karen, do you need to go pump?" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Not gonna have to do that, till after I have the baby. No, I am wondering. What are you talking about?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am talking about, how you all need to sell an experience. Like I sold you on the idea that my father had died." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "But now we think you're a liar." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Would a liar bring mini Mounds bars? [Pam tosses a handful of Mounds bars at everyone]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am a theatrical person. Growing up, I always thought I would become an actor. Because I have, these memorization tricks that I use. Um, for instance, I learned the Pledge of Allegiance by setting it to the tune of Old MacDonald. [starts singing] I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation under God. With a woof-woof here, and a woof-woof there. Here a woof, there a woof. Everywhere a woof, woof. Um, you get it." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't know you. But I need to know you in order to sell to you. That is why I have asked you to go around and tell me you names. I have an amazing mnemonic device, by which I have memorized all of your names. Shirty, mole, lazy eye, Mexico, baldy, sugar boobs, black woman. I have taken a unique part of who you are, and I have used that to memorize your name. Baldy, your head is bald. It is hairless. It is shiny, it is reflective like a mirror. \"M\" your name is Mark." }, { "character": "Mark", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Got it. It works." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Uh, it's very insulting." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "But it works. I would like you all to give this a shot. What do you say?" }, { "character": "Mark", "line": "But we already know each other's names." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, then it will be easier for you. But I, I still think it's worthwhile, to give a, give it a try." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Okay. All right everyone, meeting's over." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, I still have more." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Can I please see you in my office, please?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "She is pregnant. She is knocked up. \"K\" Karen. Pam, let's go." } ], [ { "character": "Julia", "line": "I can't accept these prices, Stanley. They just cut our budget." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Brought you guys some coffees. Stanley, I know you have adult onset diabetes. So I put Splenda in yours. Let's see. How many did I put in there? [starts singing to the tune of Feist's 1234] One, Two, Three, Four Splenda's in your coffee, Stanley. None in yours, Julia, cause I don't know how you take it. But if you'd rather..." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Four Splenda. Are you crazy?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well, No, I actually only put in two. But that's not how the songs goes." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Are you out of your damn mind?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Are you out of your damn mind? You bring an angel like that into this office, and you don't even set me up with her." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "We're not friends. I didn't think about it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "We are friends. Stanley, we're friends. And you let me down." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "You really like her, huh?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah. I really like her with all my heart." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[thinks for a moment] Give me two clients for her." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I grab this [grabs a chain saw], and I turn it on and I say, \"Prepare yourself, for the Utica chain store massacre.\"" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "No that's, that is incredibly dangerous." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, don't worry, the chain is off." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No it's not." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "You know, I think I'm just gonna distill all this, and send it in an email to my team." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Email's not scary. This is an opportunity. Don't, don't blow it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "So when are you due?" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Uh, in about a month." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Wow, that is wonderful, congratulations." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Thank you. It just all happened so fast." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's really amazing. Congratulations Karen. So is there a guy or, uh, a person. Or, uh, a sperm machine that did this to you, or?" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Yes, Michael. My husband impregnated me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, great." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "His name is Dan, uh, this is us. So dorky." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, he's cute." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Yeah, he's so cute. He's a dermatologist. We met a bar. Can you believe that?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What is happening there? [points at picture]" }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Oh, yeah. Don't even. That's really dorky." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's really sweet." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, it's really dorky. You were right the first time." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "So, how are things in Scranton? How's Jim?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Uh, they're good. Uh, Jim's good. We're engaged." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "That's so great. That's great." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Karen", "line": "Oh, my God. I'm so happy for you. [hugs pam]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Old hatreds dissolve into new friendships. It's a really wonderful moment." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I have to take care of a couple things. So Andy will be taking over things here. You're in good hands, and give my best to your mother." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "So Julia, um, let's see. With regards to, uh, billing. Should we send bills to you, or to your boyfriend's house or?" }, { "character": "Julia", "line": "No, it could go straight to our business address." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh Okay, all right. That makes sense. How does your boyfriend, deal with your phenomenal success? Is he just, like, totally threatened by you, or?" }, { "character": "Julia", "line": "Actually, I, I don't have a boyfriend." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[stammers] Really? Is that... wow, that's so weird." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Guys, stop everything. I'm about to ask out this girl, and I'm completely panicking." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[quietly] Oh, my desk is over... [quickly walks away]" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "This gal, she's really into you?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I've seen her, like, three times today. And we love all the same music, and whenever I walk into a room, she totally looks up." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "All right, all right. Say no more. So, this is how I got squeaky fromme. No small talk. Just show her who's the boss. Just go right in and kiss her." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Okay, it sounds risky." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Have I ever steered you wrong, Jim?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Wait, what?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I would give that lecture a solid B+. Although, for the record, Karen. Wow, kind of mean." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I like her." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really? No, honestly. Tell me what you really think." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm serious. Um, I'm really glad I came." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Because, um, cause I'll never wonder ever again. If I did something wrong and... Now I have closure. She's happy and, I don't know, it feels good." } ], [ { "character": "Julia", "line": "Thanks for walking me out." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, my pleasure. Yeah, there's all kinds of weirdo's out here, so..." }, { "character": "Julia", "line": "You must be freezing." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I am about to die. [laughs] Will you wait here while I go get my jacket?" }, { "character": "Julia", "line": "Oh, no, it's okay. This is my car." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Okay, Okay. Well listen, you're a new client, and as one of my new clients, you will always be taken care of. And that is the Nard-Dog guarantee." }, { "character": "Julia", "line": "What's a \"Nard-Dog\"?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[points to self] This is the Nard-Dog." }, { "character": "Julia", "line": "[Andy leans in to kiss her] Whoa. What the hell?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Oh I, I thought we had this energy. And I'm a mess. And I just had my heart broken. And you came in today and your so pretty. You're, like, incredibly pretty." }, { "character": "Julia", "line": "I just got out of a relationship too. It's really hard." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, right? Wow. Yeah. Do you want to talk about it? Go to a mall of something? Just walk around?" }, { "character": "Julia", "line": "No, I, I don't think so." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Sure, yeah that's... your right. It's too soon for... definitely too soon for me. So I'm glad we go that out of the way. I'm gonna be in touch with you. In three months. I'm gonna call you about that order. And maybe about that mall walk." }, { "character": "Julia", "line": "[chuckles] Okay." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Take care Julia." }, { "character": "Julia", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[as Julia is pulling out] Sorry I tried to kiss y..." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "We lost the account." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[struggling to blow up a balloon as his desk phone rings] Damn it! [answers phone] Dwight Schrute." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[over the phone] How old's Kelly?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Who is this?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It's Mose. Who do you think it is?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Mose doesn't know how to use a phone. So joke's on you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Look, I'm at the supermarket, and they only have numbered candles. How old is she?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Uh, 24. 37." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Do you think I'm calling you for your best approximation?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[sighs] I'll call you back. [goes to a filling cabinet takes out a file and looks around]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I have here Kelly Kapoor's personal and confidental file. Allow me to share. [opens file] \"Kelly Kapoor spent April 1995 to December 1996 at Berks County Youth Center.\" Juvie. \"According to past employers, it in no way affects her job perfor...\" Blah, Blah, Blah. [closes file]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Are you asleep?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. I'm just thinking about what you said, about Karen, about closure. You remember Holly? She used to work for H.R.?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, remind me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Blonde hair, nice boobs. Not too big, not too small." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Perfect boobs, [gives a look at the camera] of course I remember Holly." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "She was the love of my life. What you and Jim have times 100. Just she... she just left. And I didn't... I never got closure, you know? I never got closure with her. I haven't talked to her since. I haven't seen her since. And I feel like I need to go to Nashua and get closure. I feel like I need that." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay, lets go." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[scoofs] I'll just blow off the lecture at Rochester." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, screw 'em. Let's do this." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[chuckles] Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[leaning against Creed's desk] So I am collecting $3 from everybody. For Kelly's party." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "I'd like to contribute." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, great." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "[opens wallet and hands Jim a single bill] There you go." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[looks at a three dollar bill]" } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[Kevin is holding two ice cream treats] Two?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I didn't eat lunch. [Oscar gives Kevin a look] I didn't eat all my lunch." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "[enters smiling and waving] Hello, everyone. Oh, ice cream. Nice, Kevin. Looks good." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "It... yeah." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Angela, you're more chipper than usual." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I am proud to announce that there is a new addition to the Martin family. [takes a breath, excitedly] She's hypoallergenic. She doesn't struggle when you try to dress her. She's a third-generation show cat. Her father was in 'Meet the Parents.' Needless to say, she was very, very expensive." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "How much?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Seven thousand dollars." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "For a cat? I could get you a kid for that." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Where'd you get that kind of money?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I sold Andy's engagement ring on eBay." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Wait, you didn't give it back?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "He wouldn't have wanted that. Her name is Princess Lady!" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Seven grand?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Mm-hmm." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I gotta see that little bitch." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I have something better than a picture. Come on." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You have your cats on Nanny-Cam?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yeah. [cats meowing] I mean, I usually try to take leave when I get a new cat, but I'm out of vacation days. And this company still doesn't recognize cat maternity. I mean, when somebody has a kid, oh sure, take off a year." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "She's right. I had my second kid just for the vacation." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Right. Anyways... I just want to make sure Princess Lady is acclimating well. She means more to me than anyone." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Any cat, you mean." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "And person." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "So, detour. We're now adding Nashua to the Lecture Circuit so Michael can confront Holly and get some closure. Nashua actually sounded very excited on the phone. I don't think they get a lot of visitors. Because their office is only accessible by cross-country skis. Hey-oh! [laughs] [whispers] I've been driving too long." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[shouts from another room] What did you do?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Stop yelling at me!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What did you do?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I didn't do anything!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What did you learn in there? I bet you learned things, huh? Like how to fashion a shiv, hmm?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey! What the hell's goin' on?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Why don't you tell Jim where you were from ages 14 to 15." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I was kickin' it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "In juvie." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Juvie... nile... Detention Center. Where they send teenagers!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yep." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "For reha-" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Got it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What did you do? Huh?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, Dwight, sounds like she was 14, so maybe we wanna go a little easy." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, if she's old enough to get married, she's old enough to follow the law. [to Kelly] What did you do?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "My boyfriend dumped me, so, I stole his boat. I mean, he told me it was his boat. It was actually his father's. And I just thought it'd be really romantic, like 'Thelma and Louise,' but with, like, a boat. And it was the worst year of my life. And I can't believe that you guys are making me talk about this on my birthday!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I thought you said yesterday was your birthday!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, you know what? I got you a cake." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "You did? I wanna see the cake." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And... ta da." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I hate it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "How do you hate it? It's a cake." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Well, there's no flowers... or toys... or--- I mean, there's nothing on it. Where did you even find a cake like this? I mean, it doesn't have my name on it! Do you guys know what my name is? My name is Kelly!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Right." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I forgot if there was an \"e\" between the \"l\" and the \"y.\" I still don't know." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I mean, I don't even know what the theme is. What's the theme?!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Birthday." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Frosting." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Those aren't... themes. There's always a theme. [walks out]" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "There's always a theme." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Nice job on the cake, Bozo!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, you know what, next time, I'll let you get the cake and I get to scream at the birthday girl." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[taking Michael's picture] Okay, a little bit more closer to the sign. Yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do I look okay?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You look good." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Receptionist", "line": "Hi, can I help you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, you can. I am, uh, Michael Scott, Regional Manager of the Scranton branch." }, { "character": "Receptionist", "line": "Yes, we were expecting you. Have a seat." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you. ... Um... is, uh, Holly Flax anywhere here?" }, { "character": "Receptionist", "line": "Actually, she's on an HR retreat for the next three days." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh- She's not here?" }, { "character": "Receptionist", "line": "But, if you need to get in touch with her immediately, you could talk to A.J. He's a salesman here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "A.J." }, { "character": "Receptionist", "line": "Yeah, he's her boyfriend. He's just over there." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "She has a boyfriend." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm so sorry, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "How could she do this to me, Pam?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "She's not doing it to hurt you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I can't do the presentation, I can't- [voice cracks] ... just... oh... thinking about seeing him... and... thinking about... him getting to hold her and getting to kiss her, it just- oh, God! [starts crying, covers his face]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Listen, when Jim was dating Karen, I didn't want to come to work. It was awful. I hated it. I wanted to quit, but-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know, just... uh, please, I'm going through something, okay? [exhales]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You know, when Holly gets back, everyone will tell her what a great job you did. And then she'll realize what she's missing." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And then she'll move back to Scranton. And her boyfriend will die." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, maybe." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[laughs]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Maybe. One step at a time." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[sighs]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You can do this." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I can do this." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "It could be snacks, or-" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Why would we- [cats meowing from Angela's computer, sounds like crying]" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Wha-" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Is that what I think it is? [Kevin and Oscar get up and go to Angela's computer]" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Good God!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[gasps]" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[laughs]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[gasps]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "That one ugly cat is humping Princess Lady!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No!" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Awesome!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Stop it, Mr. Ash! Bad cat! That is very bad! You stop it right now! I swear, he is fixed." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Yeah, I know fixed; that ain't fixed." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "No way." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No, now listen. You can't let what you see here, sully your image of them. They are good, decent cats. [all laugh] I gotta go. I'll be back in an hour. Oh, stop that! Oh!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh, the other one's watching." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, so all we need is a theme... and cups, and ice, and punch, and a cake." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Busy!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, what's that show that she's always talking about?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, my God. Is this how you are with Pam? 'Cause she must want to shoot herself in the face." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know what? I could use a little help." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You know what? I'm a little busy." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "We have a lot to do, and you are... putting up a very effeminate sign. Is that what you've been doing, is making a sign?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's not effeminate. It's festive." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You've been making that sign, for something that we could just announce to the whole office? Hey everybody, the party's now at 3!" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I know, I just read it on the sign." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Goooood morning, Viet-Nashua! Sales. Sales is what bwings us together, today. How do we deal with clients who say, \"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn... about paper\" and get them to \"Show us the money!\" Well, we are going to find out today. Show of hands. How many of you are salesmen? Let's see the salesmen. [some raise their hands] Oh, okay. Well I know what the rest of you are thinking. Wow, yuck. Salesmen are the worst! They are awful. They are so arrogant. They think the whole place revolves around them. Handsome, good listeners, funny, Mr. Wonderful. So, okay, you're a salesman. What's, uh, what's your name?" }, { "character": "A.J.", "line": "A.J." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "A.J. What kind of name is A.J.?" }, { "character": "A.J.", "line": "[laughs]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What do you race cars?" }, { "character": "A.J.", "line": "[laughs] I'm a salesman. That's why I raised my hand." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ooh. Ouch. Okay, good. You're funny, very good and funny. Tell me, A.J., are you dating? Is there somebody you date?" }, { "character": "A.J.", "line": "Yeah. Why, are you interested? [all laugh]" }, { "character": "Woman", "line": "I have a question about discounts from distributors." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yep, we will get to you. Okay, so you're dating somebody? Um... is it serious?" }, { "character": "A.J.", "line": "It's pretty serious, yes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Huh- [pauses] Does she ever talk about me? [voice cracking]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, God." }, { "character": "A.J.", "line": "Excuse me?" }, { "character": "Man", "line": "What does this have to do with sales?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's all connected. Shut up. [to A.J.] Does she ever mention 'Michael Scott?'" }, { "character": "A.J.", "line": "No, what are you talking about?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[sighs loudly] Does it feel good?" }, { "character": "A.J.", "line": "Does what feel good?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[grunts] Your life. [sits down, upset] Oh, wow. Whew. Ahh, legs are sorta giving out. Long drive in the car, so let's just- We'll just continue. [sighs, falls to floor, gets more upset] Oh, wow. [takes deep breath] Ooh, okay." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael, get off the floor!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, yeah... uh, I can't do this Pam. Just read from- just read the cards." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[whispering] No, no, no, you have to do it-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, I'm okay. I'm all right. [sighs heavily] Okay... okay." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That was weird, huh? It's all part of the presentation. It was confusing, right? Because confusing situations happen to us all the time in our jobs. [pauses] I'm just trying to bridge the gap between what just happened and the fact that I'm going to be doing the rest of the presentation. [reading from the cards, in Forrest Gump voice] Sales is like a box a chocolates, you never know which vendor you're gonna get. Forrest Gump." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[pointing to staff members] Blazer. Freckles. Penguin. K.D. Lang. Holly's boyfriend. These mnemonic devices help to make a connection, and then, also to help you memorize names. I have a chainsaw! [holds up chainsaw, makes a wimpy chain saw noise] Cutting down the competition." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "[cats meowing in background][on Nanny-Cam] Where is that bad cat? Oh, you know who you are. Excuse me, Petals, I'm looking for Mr. Ash. He's a bad cat. Bad, bad cat. Do you hear me? Bad. Yeah, you were bad. No, you look at me when I talk to you. Do you hear me, Mr. Ash? You look at me. 'Cause I'm talking to you right now." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[chuckles]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[snickers]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[meows like a cat, then hisses]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "This is getting weird." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Is she cleaning the cat with her tongue? [Angela licks cat, meows]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Ohhh..." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[sighs, touches Holly's sweater, cuts off sleeve, chuckles, sees Word document on Holly's computer named \"Dear Michael,\" plugs in USB flash drive to copy file from computer]" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "[shivers] [meowing noises] Has this been on the entire time?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I have no idea." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I was looking at pictures of food on my computer." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[sigh of relief] Well, sorry I'm late. [clears throat, coughs, pulls hairball out of her mouth]" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I want to get that image out of my head. The psychological issues that go behind licking a cat, are not things I want to go into. Also, I'm pretty sure she coughed up a hairball." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[loading up car with Michael] Don't look up. Don't look up. [sighs as office workers all looking from window]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Want some pie?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I went through Holly's things." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I stole a sleeve of her sweater." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, Michael..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I also stole something off of her computer. A document called \"Dear Michael.\"" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You did what?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I shouldn't have done it. It just- I couldn't help it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "She never sent it to you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, sh- she didn't. I'm gonna read it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, under no circumstances can you read that letter. It's a violation of her trust." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "How?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Because, she didn't send it to you!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know, I know. You're right, you're right." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I could read it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, that wouldn't-" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, I could read it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, you don't have to do that." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Go get your laptop." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. [leaves to get laptop]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[to camera] What? I'm not in love with her." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[blowing up balloon, breathes loudly] You have to write my suggestions down, too." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm not writing, \"Horse Hunt.\" I don't even know what that means." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's in the name." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[grunts] Okay, so far, our ideal party consists of beer, fights to the death, cupcakes, blood pudding, blood, touch football, mating, charades, and yes, horse hunting." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You're right, forget horse hunting. It's stupid." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Look, is there a birthday you remember that you loved?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Here's one. It was dark, warm, wet. A sudden burst of light. An intense pressure like I'd never felt before. Father, dressed in white, pulls me forward. Mother bites the cord. [pretends to bite]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, stop. Forever stop that story. That's disgusting, and it doesn't count. So give me another one." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Schrutes don't celebrate birthdays, idiot. It started as a Depression-era practicality, and then moved on to an awesome tradition that I look forward to every year. [rolls eyes] What about you?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Actually, when I was seven, my Dad took me to the Natural History Museum in New York. And we looked at fossils all day. And at the end of the day, he got me a little plastic triceratops. It was awesome." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's cool. Hey, you know what's even cooler than triceratops? Every other dinosaur that ever existed." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[to camera] Didn't see that one coming." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[closes laptop] It's deleted." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "She still has feelings for you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "She said that? Is that what it said? What did it say?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I can't tell you specifically, but... it's not over." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're sure?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[nods and smiles]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[smiles, sighs, chuckles] Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[enters conference room]" }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "Happy Birthday!" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Surprise!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey, it's not a surprise." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Not a surprise." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "This doesn't look good." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What?! You have a cake. You have a delicious cake, with your name spelled correctly?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[shakes her head no]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Told you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You haven't heard our theme, though." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "You don't hear a theme, you see it... why is there a chicklet on my cake?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's the best part. That represents a pillow, or a television." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Our theme, if you will." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Because the fun part is, you get to decide on an hour of television, or an hour of napping." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's our theme." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Cool." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I love it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[high-fives Jim] Oh, yes! Okay, good. So what's it gonna be, Kapoor?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Ooh- can she pick a half hour of each?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh, then pick TV." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Take a nap!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "TV." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "No, watching TV at work is really cool." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Take a nap, nothing good is on TV right now." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Bonnie Hunt is on." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "You know what, I have been watching TV all week. I choose nap." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, nap it is! Everyone out! Get out! We're gonna be eating cake at our desks. Let's go." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Surprise." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Move it! Let's go, go, go, go, go. I got this." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ahem. This is for you... and [puts blanket around her shoulders] ...Happy Birthday, Kel." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[giggles] Thank you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[turns off lights] Okay, you've got one hour. [shuts door]" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I'm too excited to sleep." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Mm, great cake." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thanks. [both eat cake]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[opens door to wake Kelly, bangs together two trash can covers loudly] Birthday time is over! Now go make up for all the work you missed when you were taking your nap. [slaps Kelly's butt] Many happy returns. [slams door]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I feel great. So good to have closure. Ah! We should go apologize to Roy or something." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, we don't need to do that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Who have I wronged? Who have I wronged? Oh, oh! What about that fat guy from Stamford that I insulted? We should find him!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You mean Tony?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jabba the hut, Pizza the hut, Fat guys like pizza, pepperoni pizza, pepperoni Tony!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Man, was he fat. So, so... fat. You know what, forget it. I know me. When I saw him, I would never be able to apologize to him. Too fat. Big fat fatty." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "As you may know, I am no longer in a relationships. It's been really stressful here. So, I decided to treat myself to one of God's most perfect creations...a beautiful new cat! It's tacky to talk about money. But she cost seven thousand dollars!" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[holds up cell phone showing video of Angela talking to her cats] For a rainy day. [laughs]" } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Phone Salesman", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Good morning, can I help you?" }, { "character": "Phone Salesman", "line": "Yes, I'm from Techstar about a new phone system for you. I was wondering if I could talk to Michael Scott." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm sorry, he's not in right now." }, { "character": "Phone Salesman", "line": "Really? He's never around when I come by." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Shoot." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "They have new phone systems now that can ring directly to a salesman, or someone presses star and they go to accounting, basically 95% of my job. But I'd like to see a machine that puts out candy for everyone. [realizing] Vending machine." } ], [ { "character": "Phone Salesman", "line": "How about I make an appointment to come back? That way, I know he'll be here." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That is a great idea." }, { "character": "Phone Salesman", "line": "Great." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[while leafing through Michael's appointment book and seeing nothing but free time] Um, oh boy, let's see, he's really..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[approaching Reception] Michael Scott, manager. Hi, how are ya?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "There he is!" }, { "character": "Phone Salesman", "line": "Oh, hi! Great." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nice to meet you, yeah. Whew! I can assure you we don't need a new system though. Happy with ours." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[coming out from his office] Hello, may I help you?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Jimbo!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "...Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[impersonating Fonzie] Ayyyy!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ayyyy!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ayyyy!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ayyyy!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ayyyy!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[running from his desk] Ayyyy!" }, { "character": "Jim & Pam & Michael & Dwight", "line": "Ayyyy!" }, { "character": "Phone Salesman", "line": "Ok. I'm, uh, I'll be going." }, { "character": "Jim & Pam & Michael & Dwight", "line": "Ayyyy!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[laughing] What was that?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That was funny." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That was funny. Let's go do it to somebody else. Ayyyy!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, look at that. Cupids and hearts. Really shoving our faces in it this year. You doin OK, bud?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I miss Stacy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, I hear ya. It's been four months since I was with Holly, and she was way hotter then Stacy. So if you think you're hurting..." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I can't even imagine." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "This is our first and only Valentine's Day as fiances." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You're only engaged once. Well present company excluded, but." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Really, Jim? On Cupid's birthday?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah. [Jim leans in for a kiss but Pam turns away] She's fine." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "So, I received my first Valentine from a secret admirer. [Kelly opens the envelope] Roses are red, violets are blue, it's time for your dental cleaning, and maybe a check-up too." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, wow look at those. How nice for you. Up there, front and center, beautiful. I think they would look better right here. [Michael takes the flowers from Pam's desk and puts them on the ground off to the side] They're very pretty and I wouldn't want them to fall. [Kevin groans]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just about everyone in this office is single right now. Including me. And everyone is experiencing an incredible amount of emotional pain. Especially me, because of my great capacity for emotion, and it is my first Valentine's Day since Holly, so I think that I am well qualified to understand that these people need to be protected from having love shoved into their faces." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam, really, they're back?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I can't see them when they're on the floor" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "They're for her to look at, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Can I have a word with you, Jim?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes, let's have a word." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, um, Jim. Today is a very difficult day for a lot of people in this office." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, I'm sorry." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah. And the sexy looks between you and Pam, the general sexiness, the flowers, it's creating a bit of a hostile work environment." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I understand that." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So sexy it becomes hostile." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mm-hmm." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh, I actually thought we were keeping it pretty low-key." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, if you guys insist on having your own private little love fest--" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "We do." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "--that none of us can be a part of--" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You can't be a part of our relationship, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[gesturing Pam to be quiet] --then, we, are gonna have our own private Valentine's Day party." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That sounds fun." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So suck it. Hey everybody, I just invited Jim to suck it, and I am cordially inviting all of you to a special convention, a lonely heart's convention, this afternoon. Singles only." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, deal with it Pam!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So we may not have someone in our lives that we love, but we do have each other." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Having trouble finding a vein?" }, { "character": "Blood Drive Worker", "line": "Yup, a little." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "How about now? [Dwight untenses his arm]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I train my major blood vessels to retract into my body on command. Also, I can retract my penis up into itself. [pauses, then nods signaling that he performed the feat]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am about to give blood. The gift of everlasting life, the transfer of my bodily fluids, oh wow, that's a big needle, that --" }, { "character": "Blood Drive Worker", "line": "You're gonna need to lie down right over here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. Hello." }, { "character": "Blood Girl", "line": "Hi, I cant talk right now. I'm sorry." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, OK." }, { "character": "Blood Girl", "line": "Whew, I'm really nervous." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, me too." }, { "character": "Blood Girl", "line": "Yeah, when I get nervous I sort of clam up." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, well, that's fine." }, { "character": "Blood Girl", "line": "Whew, it's better for me just to be quiet, yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, can I point something out to you?" }, { "character": "Blood Girl", "line": "Sure." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're actually talking a lot." }, { "character": "Blood Girl", "line": "Sorry, it's the other thing I do when I get really nervous." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, here we go." }, { "character": "Blood Drive Worker", "line": "Alright, here we go." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, God. [Michael clears his throat]" }, { "character": "Blood Drive Worker", "line": "Just relax." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yup, I'm good, whew. Wow, I feel like a human juicebox. [Blood Girl laughs] Hawaiian blood punch." }, { "character": "Blood Girl", "line": "Oh, that's gross." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Type O-Ocean Spray." }, { "character": "Blood Girl", "line": "God, stop. Stop it." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Hey, why don't you guys come have lunch with Bob and me? We'll take all afternoon. [whispering] Michael is terrified of bob." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What do you think?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I have a lot of work to do this afternoon. Those mines aren't gonna sweep themselves." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We're in." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yick." }, { "character": "Blood Girl", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I looked at the bag." }, { "character": "Blood Girl", "line": "Ew." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I looked straight at the bag." }, { "character": "Blood Girl", "line": "That's not good." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Could you distract me for a second, just talk about things that don't have blood in them?" }, { "character": "Blood Girl", "line": "Well, ok... bags! [Michael is taken aback] Alright, that was bad." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That was mean." }, { "character": "Blood Girl", "line": "Um, a hat." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "A hat." }, { "character": "Blood Girl", "line": "A hat with no blood in it?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That is full of soup." }, { "character": "Blood Girl", "line": "You're cute." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Blood Drive Worker", "line": "You're done." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, already." }, { "character": "Blood Girl", "line": "Ah, we did it!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Whew, wow I was so nervous about this I don't think I ate for three days. [Michael passes out]" }, { "character": "Blood Girl", "line": "Is he OK?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[ccming to] Oh my God, how long was I out? [Michael looks over where Blood Girl was and sees Hank]" }, { "character": "Hank", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Excuse me, waitress, where did the lady go?" }, { "character": "Blood Drive Worker", "line": "Oh. She left." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK. Oh, wait a second, wait a second, that's hers. This is hers, she left her glove. I need her name if I'm gonna return her glove." }, { "character": "Blood Drive Worker", "line": "I'm sorry sir we can't give out that information. [Michael sighs]" } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "[seeing Kelly tear a paper heart in half] What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Decorating." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I'll help. [Meredith tears the wings off of a Cupid] Now it's just a stupid baby." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Yeah, thanks." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "It is so nice to go out with another couple." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Anything to get out of that office." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I know" }, { "character": "Bob", "line": "I honestly don't know how you can work with that jackass, that other jackass, and that new jackass." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "He's talking about Michael, Dwight, and Andy." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh yeah, I understood." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well here we all are. Alone but together. No flowers for us. [in a Mexican accent] Relationships, we don't need no stinking relationships. I think we should all go around and tell our worst relationship story, and then get past it, just blow through it, yeah? Kelly, what about Ryan? He treated you pretty terribly, yeah?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Well, his heart was in the right place." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, but now his heart is in Thailand along with the rest of his body having random sex. [Kelly looks hurt] Okay, sorry, let's, who else? Oscar." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I don't think so." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Come on, I'm sure there's something you need to get off your chest." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I can't." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "If you wanna just, anything? Are you sure? I'm sure whatever you did it wasn't your fault. OK well, who else?" } ], [ { "character": "Bob", "line": "Everyone here who's bowled a 280 please raise your hand. [Bob does so]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No way, a 280?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Wow, that's impressive." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Okay. Now everyone here who's bowled under 70 raise their hand." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yikes." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Come on, Bob. Raise your hand. [Bob does so reluctantly]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No. Bob, no. No!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Bob", "line": "One time. You love bringing up that one time, don't you?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yes I do." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Jim uses a 6 pound ball." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That is a lie, that is a lie." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes, he bowled 5 frames with this pink sparkly thing until a little girl had to ask for her ball back." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "But! That girl must've had monstrous hands because the holes fit." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, you just have little dainty fingers." }, { "character": "Bob", "line": "Oh yeah. You can always model ladies' jewelry." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nobody asked, Bob!" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Do you risk telling him how you feel? Do you say something that you can barely admit to yourself?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oh God, what did you do? I mean, not that I approve of any of it but..." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I was stupid, I told him." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Was he in to you in like a gay way?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Moron, if he was there wouldn't be a story." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "He told me he wasn't gay. [everyone groans]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really sad." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I'm not done yet." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh my God." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "A week later a friend of mine calls me up, and he says \"I just saw him in a gay bar in Kansas City.\" [everybody groans except for Michael who looks pleasantly surprised]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well then it's a happy ending, because he was gay. You should call him!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "My worst breakup was actually two breakups. Two different men. I was in love with both of them and when things went bad they had a duel over me." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Yeah, Dwight and Andy. We were here." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No, this was years ago when I was living in Ohio. John Mark and John David." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Angela, you had two sets of different men actually duel over you?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I guess I have. Huh." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright who's next? Where's Andy?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "He's on one of his honeymoons." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "He made non-refundable deposits on his honeymoons, so he's just knocking them off one at a time. I think today he's hot air ballooning and later he's got a couple's massage." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "My worst breakup was with Stacy. It was a Sunday morning, we were reading the paper, and I said \"Oh my God, I think the Eagles could clinch the NFC East!\" and she said that we're done." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what guys? I don't think we need to do this." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You're right. OK everyone, back to work." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, no, no. I mean have this kind of party. I look around and I see all these beautiful people who are alone on Valentine's, and I think that there are other single people out there too. We just need to find them. There's a girl out there for all of us maybe even in this office park. There has to be a way to get all these lonely people together." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "A net? a giant net?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. Not a giant net." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What do you have in mind?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I was thinking maybe like a mixer." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh God, that's a terrible idea." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Old fashioned meet market --" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "-- I don't think it is." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Lonely people mixing with one another? Breeding? Creating an even lonelier generation? Ha, you're not allowing natural selection to do its work. Pssh. You're like the guy who invented the seat belt." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "These people need love and I am going to get it for them Who cares if we sell a little bit less paper today? A great boss cares more about the happiness of his employees then anything else. I am going to be cupid, and I am going to shoot my sparrow at unsuspecting victims, and they are going to get hit and say \"I'm in love I was hit by cupid's sparrow.\" Funny little bird, but he gets the job done." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey. No movement." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ah, still early." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Eh, its not that early." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[sighs] So how you holding up?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm ok. Feel a little lopsided because of all the blood they took out of my right side." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. No, I meant about being single today." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh. Meh." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Meh, exactly. Eh." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Eh." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, here we go." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hello." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hello. [two women, a blonde and a redhead, enter the office. Michael and Dwight walk towards them and Dwight extends his hand to the redhead]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Dwight K. Schrute. Why don't you introduce me to your little friend? [Dwight immediately breaks the handshake with the redhead and turns to the blonde] Hi, Dwight." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Babe alert! [to the redhead] Hello, I'm Michael Scott, welcome to our little shindig." }, { "character": "Lynn", "line": "Oh, hi! I'm Lynn." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Lynn, follow me, come on in. For you we have one of our top people Kevin Malone. Kevin, come out here show your beautiful self." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hello." }, { "character": "Lynn", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[after a short pause] So run with the ball! Run with it, Kev. [after another pause] Where you from?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I'm from here!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, OK. Well, he only gets better." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Thank you, Michael." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I can untie any knot. I'm serious. Name a knot, any knot. Go ahead." }, { "character": "Blonde", "line": "I- I- believe you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You shouldn't believe everything you hear. In fact, there are many knots that I cannot untie. So where does a woman as charming as yourself find herself employed on a day such as today." }, { "character": "Blonde", "line": "Um, I work at a place that does catalogs for community colleges and small businesses." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You must use a lot of paper." }, { "character": "Blonde", "line": "Oh God tons of it ." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "What's the rule about eating when people are in the bathroom?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I think if you ordered hot food you're allowed to eat." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, damn. [Pam looks down at her salad] They've been in there for like ten minutes." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Look at that. Bob ordered hot food." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes. And I think they gave him too many fries." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "We should help him out. [Jim and Pam each take a French fry, eat it, and then look toward the bathroom]" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "At the Circle Drive-In they show old movies. It's really cool." }, { "character": "Lynn", "line": "That does sound cool." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I used to go there with my fiance [Lynn is taken aback]. Before she left me [Lynn shows pity]. No, I mean, before I left her [Lynn looks confused]. She left me. [Kevin walks away dejected]" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I think I blew it. It all happened so fast. So... fast." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "So, Eric. You mentioned before that you are in tool and dye repair." }, { "character": "Eric", "line": "I am." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Meredith recently had a total hysterectomy, so that's sort of a repair. Alright, I'll let you guys talk." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's going very well. People are mixing, a lot of hope. Cause that's what you hate to see, when hope gets crushed. [Michael suddenly turns to look at the open entrance door] Sorry, thought I heard somebody coming in. Um, so [looking at his watch] it's not too late." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "...and the kind of discounts we're talking about are not... hold on - Michael, Why do you keep looking at the front door?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No reason." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Is somebody after you?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Why do you always go to that? Has anyone ever been after anyone in this office?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey, it just takes one!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nobody's after me, I just, I met a woman when I was giving blood and I thought she might come by." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "You met a woman when you were giving blood? That is so romantic." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's not a big deal really, I just, you know met somebody, we hardly talked, I picked up her glove so I was hoping I could give it back to her." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh my God, that makes it even more romantic. This is like a modern day Enchanted, it's like a fairy tale." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "She could be your soul mate." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, not likely. 3 billion woman on the planet, most of them live in Asia so the numbers just don't add up." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "It's possible." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "She could be." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Believe me its nothing. I hardly even talked to her we just, we were lying there next to each other, I think our blood bags touched." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Aww. [Michael grins sheepishly]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Here they come." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[looking up from her pilfering of Bob's food] What?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, just kidding. Seriously though, that's enough." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, you should cover it with the broccoli." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh great, I have to cover?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Do you think they dined and dashed?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well they didn't dine so, yeah, maybe they just dashed." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I thought we were having a nice time." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "We were." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[emerging from the Men's room] Empty." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[exiting the Ladies' room] Mine too. [Pam and Jim notice the Handicapped stall and walk towards it. Putting their ears to the door they hear Mr. and Mrs. Vance being intimate]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh boy." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "My God." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "OK." } ], [ { "character": "Girl", "line": "Is this the party? [everyone turns to Michael wanting to know if this is Blood Girl]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nah. [everyone groans and Girl turns around and walks away." } ], [ { "character": "Bob", "line": "OK then." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "So..." }, { "character": "Bob", "line": "Where were we?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "[out of breath] Bowling." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yep, that, yeah." }, { "character": "Bob", "line": "You didn't eat much there Jimbo." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh initially I did." }, { "character": "Bob", "line": "Want some meat?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh sure, a little piece. Ooh, no mushroom though." }, { "character": "Bob", "line": "Forgot." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yeah, thank you. [As Phyllis enjoys Bob's meat, Jim and Pam look knowingly into the camera]" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hey, I'm sorry we did not have a chance to talk more. I get very nervous talking to pretty girls. Seriously, feel how sweaty my hand is." }, { "character": "Lynn", "line": "That's really sweaty." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Are you on email?" }, { "character": "Lynn", "line": "Oh, yeah. [gives Kevin her card]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Cool. Bye." }, { "character": "Lynn", "line": "Bye, Kevin." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Good Valentine's." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So basically, the greater volume you decide to buy in, the greater discount we can give you." }, { "character": "Blonde", "line": "OK. [Blonde stands up to leave]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "OK, what's up?" }, { "character": "Blonde", "line": "Look, I'm gonna go..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh-oh-oh before you go, I'd just love to get a firm commitment on this. You know maybe sign--" }, { "character": "Blonde", "line": "Look, we already have a paper supplier." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "OK. Well, thanks for wasting my time tonight, idiot. God!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, you don't deserve her." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thanks, Michael." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, if anybody wants to go..." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "We can stay a little longer." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really? [everybody signifies their agreement, and Kelly gives Michael a piece of cake] Oh, thanks." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Michael, it's time." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what, you guys, you guys can get out I'm gonna soldier on a little bit." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Come on, we'll all go." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[after some encouragement] OK." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Four months ago, I dated a woman named Holly and, um, this is actually the first time that I've even considered getting back into that arena again. You know what, sometimes it's not about whether Cinderella gets her slipper back, but it's about the fact that the prince even picked up the slipper at all. There's a lot of princesses out there. You know, they have all different sizes and shapes of feet and hands so I think, I think my odds are pretty good." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Pardon me, may I have a chocolate chip cookie? I gave blood earlier and I'm still feeling woozy." }, { "character": "Blood Drive Worker", "line": "Of course. [noticing Stanley's arm] That's weird. You got a cotton ball and tape and we've been using Band-Aids." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[backing out of the bloodmobile] I, uh-oh I feel so woozy I just [to Phyllis] Band-Aids." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Damn." } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[on the phone] Yeah, that's no problem." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[on the phone] Sure. Uh huh." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam? Knock, knock." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm on the phone." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know you are. Knock, knock." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[on the phone] You can fax it over. Yeah, 5-7-0-5-5-5-0-1--" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[at same time as Pam] 4-9-1-7-4-5-1" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "0-1-7-5. Thank you. Bye, bye. [to Michael] It really makes us look unprofessional." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "They would never know it was me doing it. Here we go, Knock, knock. [Dwight walks over]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[sighs] Who's there?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Buddha." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Buddha who?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[puts a slice of bread and stick of butter on Pam's desk] Buddha this bread for me, won't you? [Michael and Dwight laugh]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Great." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I, I need something to wipe my hand." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Now there's, there's butter on my desk." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That was helping. It was classic." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I got a knock-knock joke." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No... God." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "OK, Michael, please, please, please, please, please let me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[clears throat] Knock, knock." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Who's there?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "KGB." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "KGB - [Dwight slaps Michael on the face]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[in Russian accent] We will ask the questions!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What the hell was that? [Michael starts to fight with Dwight]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey! Hey! Stop it! Stop it!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You, you like that?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "C'mon. What are you doing? Mine was a part of my hilarious joke." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mine was retribution. What are you doing? No more knock-knock jokes. That's it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ding Dong." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[to Jim] Who's there?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "KGB." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight, get the door." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm not answering it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Answer the door." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ding dong." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No way, it's the KGB." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ding dong." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm not answering that. You answer it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm not gonna answer it" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm not gonna answer it, it's the KGB. [Jim slaps Dwight]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "The KGB will wait for no one! [Michael laughs]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's true." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[Michael walks in dressed as Willy Wonka] Good morning, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, no, no, no, no. I am not Michael. I am Willy Wonkaaaaa." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Good morning, Mr. Wonka, here are your messages." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why thank you very much. [notices jelly beans] Oh, what are those? What are those? Tell me, please!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Jelly beans." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, no. They are not just ordinary jelly beans little girl. These are extraordinary jelly beans!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "The Willy Wonka Golden Ticket promotional idea is probably the best idea I have ever had. It's probably the best idea anybody has ever had. Three days ago, I slipped five pieces of gold paper into random paper shipments. This entitles the customer to ten percent off of their total order. It will be a day for them that is full of whimsy, and full of excitement and full of fantasy." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I've written these things because it is my responsibility, as manager of this branch, to profiligate great ideas and I think I have done my part with the golden ticket promotion. Now it is your turn. I want to hear some great ideas from you that are just as good as mine. [Jim raises hand] Umm hmm." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "We own our own delivery trucks. We could lease them out on the weekends --" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Too many words. Good ideas are simple. 'Golden ticket.'" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "'Free paper.'" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. Jim. We're a business. Post-its. That is a golden ticket idea. NASA took five or six golden ticket ideas to get man on the moon." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Golden Girls. That's a golden ticket idea, right, I mean how great was that show? Golden Grahams. Another, is it -- I don't get this..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, you don't. No, it - [sighs] What will be the state of this company if I am the only one coming up with the great ideas? Right?" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I think I should call her." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No! No! No!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Why is it so bad for me to call and ask her to lunch today?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[sighs] You're making it too easy for her. You're just conveying, 'Oh I like you just the way you are.'" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "But I do like her just the way she is." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well that's not what we agreed on." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Huh?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[to Kevin] Why don't you just go out on a date with her? Try to spark up an on going joke and then in a month or two, if it feels right, you'll know." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You don't have to wait that long. I mean, you don't have to wait a month to ask her out. Just ask her out." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You're asking him to give up all of his power." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What power?" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Andy, Pam, and Jim are all telling me how to deal with this girl that I like, Lynn. I, I don't like getting advice from more than one person at a time. I'm a textbook over-thinker." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "You can't let a girl feel good about herself. It will backfire on you. Every compliment has to be backhanded. 'Oh I like your dress, but I'd like it more if you had prettier hair.'" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That's psychotic. Do guys actually do that?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well guys with girlfriends don't." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That's low, Tuna." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[on phone] Hey, Tom. What's that? Oh, you found a golden ticket. [puts hand on receiver and speaks to office] One of my clients found a golden ticket. [Michael screams in excitement] [Jim back on phone] Yup. No, congratulations. [Michael dances in background]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Woo hoo." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[on phone] I'll take that down right now." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Tell me; was it a spoiled little girl with big lips..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm on the phone." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "...or an odd little boy with a cowboy obsession?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[on phone] Hold on one second." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Invite them on the tour." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[to Michael] It's actually Blue Cross from Pennsylvania." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really? That's kind of a big client. [gets up and heads toward Oscar] Hey, Oscar. Woo hoo hoo. Um, how much of a hit is ten percent of our Blue Cross account?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Ten percent?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "They're our largest client." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "It's gonna hurt." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[on phone] Hold on one sec. Hold on one sec, Tom, what's that? You found five golden tickets? And does it say limit one per customer? Nope, it doesn't." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "How do you not spread out the tickets into different shipments?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I thought I did. So..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "OK..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well no harm no foul." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "...well I'm going to call corporate to make sure that they know I didn't lose half my sales." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You didn't, but... it'll be fine. It'll be good." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey. Hey. Hey. You idiot." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Start over." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sir. I placed a bunch of golden tickets into five separate boxes and some how they all ended up with Blue Cross. How does this happen?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Were the boxes near each other?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Irrelevant." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I put three pallets on the truck to Blue Cross once a week. They use a lot of paper." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK, I'm going to ask you something and I want you to be honest. What is a pallet?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "My golden ticket idea? OK. Why would anyone think that this is my golden ticket idea? There is a one in 13 chance that this could be anybody's golden ticket idea. [sighs] That... [sighs]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Oh hi ,David. [Michael shakes his head to Pam] No, I'm sorry he's not back from the Civil Rights rally. I'll have him call you the minute he gets back from the Lincoln Memorial." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "When Michael's skirting a phone call, he gave me a list of places to say he is. 'Stopping a fight in the parking lot. ' 'An Obama fashion show. ' Whatever... that is. Or 'trapped in an oil painting.' I'm gonna save that one." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nobody panic. The good news is... they can't fire all of us, right?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "They can." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, they can't." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Yes, they can." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oscar, you don't know what the hell you are talking about." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Michael, what do you think shutting down a branch is?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright, then we're screwed. I am just a net that traps all of your crappy subconscious ideas and adds a little bit of my own childhood memories and whimsy, so -" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "So, well I lost a ton of money today and I have a mortgage, so I'm a little pissed too." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you, Jim is with me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Absolutely not, I'm mad at you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well you know what Jim? It is not my fault that you bought a house to impress Pam. That is why carnations exist." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "That's not why." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK, we need a gold ticket idea to get us out of this mess. [Pam raises hand] Yes." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Does that mean an idea that blows up in our faces later? [Pam's phone rings]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Good one." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK, don't get that. Please? [Pam gets up to answer her phone]" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I've got a golden ticket idea. Why don't you skip on up to the roof and jump off?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That is not constructive." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[on phone] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Oh hi, David. He's having a colonoscopy. Alright, I'll find out if he's out yet." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[on phone] Hello David. I just got back from my procedure, so--" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "[on speaker phone] Michael, what the hell is going on here?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "How are you doing?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Fine. What is going on?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[reading from computer] My colonoscopy was an examination of my large colon and the distal part of my small bowel with a camera." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Why did you OK this golden ticket idea? We're going to lose a fortune, Michael. How could you let this happen?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, there is an explanation that involves me not letting it happen and I just don't... I don't know." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "How could you not know Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I think we might have hired an outside marketing consultant." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Might have hi--- OK, what firm?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're breaking up." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK, I think, it might have been an inside consultant." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Was it the sales department?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Was it Jim?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "OK, was it Dwight?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[long pause] Yes." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Dwight walks in] Come on in. Good to see ya, have a seat. I just wanted to congratulate you on that great golden ticket idea." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That was your idea." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Woah, wow, who told you that?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You did. Several times. Over and over again." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[same time as Dwight] No, I don't think I ever did. That was your idea Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[same time as Michael] You were dressed as Willy Wonka so..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm not taking... I'm not taking..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wasn't my idea. Loved - but I can't." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wait a second, wait a second, I wrote it down in my diary." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You don't keep a diary." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes I do. You've just never seen it. [reading from diary] March 4th. Dwight came up with the best idea today about golden tickets." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hold that thought. [Dwight gets up and gets own diary from desk and returns] [flipping through diary] March... 4th. Michael Scott came up with golden ticket idea to give five customers ten perfect off for one year." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why do you have a diary?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "To keep secrets from my computer." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK, you know what? You came up with this idea. I remember you told me that you loved the Willy Wonka movie when you were growing up." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Impossible." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, you did." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I wasn't given candy as a child, so a movie that fetish-ized it that much, would have made no sense to me. Plus, we weren't allowed to see movies. So... do the math." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What are you writing? [Dwight writes in diary]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Had conversation with Michael about taking credit for an idea that wasn't mine. Discussed movies." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Would you like to go to lunch with me? Just the two of us?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "With all my heart." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "You guys are throwing a lot at me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All I'm saying is that it's a first dates, so just keep a respectful distance." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Right." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't think Jim means to say that you shouldn't touch her." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, that is what I mean." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[to Jim] Shush. [to Kevin] Kevin, a playful touch on the arm, or on the back, it can show your interest and it's really romantic." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[puts hand on Jim's hand] Like that?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, stop it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Don't touch her. Don't talk to her. Don't look at her." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[Jim, Andy and Pam all talking over each other] ...turn into this black and carbon brick-where this barbeque sauce of shame and rage and two hot people with a perfect relationship would not understand that." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "We think a lot alike. Sometimes you will think something and I will say what you're thinking--" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "OK, what am I thinking right now?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Umm, nacho chips." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No... How skin is the largest organ of the body." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, OK. Let me just cut to the chase, Dwight. I want you to fall on your sword for me." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, not gonna happen." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I did fall on my sword once. I was running with it in my belt. Won't happen again." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why do you even want to stay at Dunder Mifflin? I mean what's the point? You're cooped up in there all day. You don't get to do your farming. You're not dating Angela anymore. It doesn't matter if you get fired for taking credit for the gold ticket idea. It doesn't matter. Me on the other hand, I would be lost without this place. You, way too manly." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What about Shoe La La?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[sighs] It's not ready yet." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I have an idea for a fancy men's shoe store called Shoe La La. And it's just men's shoes for the special occasions in a man's life, like the day that you get married or the day your wife has a baby, or for just lounging around the house." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "May I have your attention please. I have an announcement. Mr. Dwight Schrute and I just returned from a wonderful stroll together and although I probably will never do it again, I had fun. I really had fun with my best friend, Dwight." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "These aren't announcements." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes they are, you just don't care about the information." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I love working here and I do not want to leave." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "He doesn't love it that much. Wouldn't be such a bad thing for him to be fired." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I mean, like we were talking about that is why he has come to the conclusion..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "We discussed the fact that I'm cooped up here instead of experiencing the whole wide world." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Right." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No plowing my own acres. Going around shirtless all day. You know experiencing freedom." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's it. That's it. You can't put a price on freedom." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Try me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's why you made the decision. That's why you made..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I haven't made a decision yet." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You kind of have." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "You cannot take the fall for him." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "He said he would do the same for me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "He can do the same for you. Right now. By getting fired instead of you. So what are you gonna do?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm gonna go back to work. After I write you up for insubordination." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "There it is." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[seeing David Wallace come into the office] Oh my God. Dwight! Dwight! Get in--- what's it gonna be, what are you gonna do? [Dwight runs into Michael's office] What's it gonna be? Are you gonna do this thing for me? Dwight? [David knocks on Michael's door and opens door] Hey David, how are you? Good to see you. Nice surprise. Dwight and I were just having a very unfortunate conversation." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "That's too bad." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes it is, but it had to be done, didn't it?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Hopefully, nothing that can't be undone because Dwight I owe you an apology. The head of Blue Cross just called. They were so excited about the golden ticket discount that they have decided to make Dunder Mifflin their exclusive provider of all office supplies. Congratulations Dwight. [holds out hand for handshake]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "David... you're welcome. [Dwight and David shake hands and make exclamations]" } ], [ { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "I just want to say that this golden ticket idea is one of the most brilliant signs of initiative I have ever seen at this company and how about a big round of applause for Mr. Dwight Schrute? [everyone starts clapping]" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Alright Dwight. This is huge." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's what she said! [David laughs]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, Dwight, great idea. Dwight, Dwight, great idea. How'd you come up with that idea?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Inspiration." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really? How did-- how are you inspired? How did it pop into your head Dwight?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[same time as Michael] You never know when it's gonna strike. Just... boom." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Give me the details of how that happened." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You, you are taking about Dwight Schrute. The biggest Wonka fan I know. I mean, you've been talking about that movie for years." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And you know what? I even made fun of you when you dressed up as Willy Wonka to pitch this idea and for that I apologize." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Apology rejected." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[going up to give Dwight a hug] Thanks for much for helping the company, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh Pam." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Good work, kid." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thanks old man." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "This, this is great. OH, OK, look I want to get you on the horn with the marketing people in New York. The should meet you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Pam, could you set up a call in there in about 15 minutes, please?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Sure." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "David? David?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[same time as Michael] 'Cause I've got this idea..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "David?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Yeah?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Could I be a part of the meeting also?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "You probably have too much to do around here. I don't want to uh, take up your time with another meeting." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, let's face it. This meeting sounds like it's Wonka fans only. He's never seen the movie. [David laughs]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Alright." } ], [ { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "[on speakerphone] Hey guys, I have with me Dwight Schrute. Dwight, take it away." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "OK guys, listen up. Here's the deal. I love candy. Sweet sugary candy from the second it touches my tongue to the moment it's metabolized by my stomach acids, so naturally I liked Willy Wonka." }, { "character": "Man on phone", "line": "Wait, do you guys hear that? There's not a dog listening in, is there? [cut to show Michael on the other line] I hear panting." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "No. No dogs." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So I love Willy Wonka. That golden ticket scene is so inspiring to me that that's where I cam up with that idea [Michael comes into conference room]." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "There is no movie called Willy Wonka. It's called Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's actually based on a book called Charlie and the Chocolate Factory." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Pam..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I can't... vouch for that. But I do know this. He is a liar. He has taken my idea." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That is my idea." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "[on phone] We are gonna call you back guys. [to Michael] What is going on here?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK, here's what happened, David. It was all my idea. You called me and you were really angry at me and I got scared, so I had Dwight take the fall, but now, it turns out that it's a great idea and Dwight will not confess. Can you believe that?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "No, no." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It is my idea." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh how dare you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It is my idea. I'm filled with good ideas. Thousands of good ideas." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You are? Good ideas, huh? Hey, did you come up with toilet buddy? It's a net, circular net, that you put inside the toilet to catch all of your change and your wallet from falling into the toilet? Formally known as toilet guard?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Horse Boat." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh please." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "A canoe built around your horse so you can go from riding to water travel without slowing down. Horse Boat!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Toilet sponge. It's a hollowed out sponge..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh give me a break." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "...that is more absorbent, and softer than toilet paper. I have a lot of toilet ideas." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's because they're easy!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "They're not easy. Everybody has to go to the bathroom." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[same time as Michael] Women's urinals... uh..." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "[same time as Michael and Dwight] Guys, guys. OK, enough. Please, enough. What, is this true, Dwight? I mean, is this true?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes, it's Michael's idea that he forced on me on threat of death." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank You!" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "What, I don't -- what do you want me to do now, Michael? What am I supposed to do now?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well David, I will be honest with you. I do want the credit without any of the blame." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "OK, uhh... I am going back to New York. Pam, do me a favor, don't send me those notes." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "OK." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "I am gone." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "When they look back on this day in the history books all that will be remembered is that I had a good idea. And that's what I am going to write down in my diary. That is what I want you to write down in yours." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh I am. In my own words." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I want to see it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I want to see it. [Michael gets up to try to see Dwight's diary]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Give me... Give me the diary." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No! [Michael struggles to take Dwight's diary from his hand]" } ], [ { "character": "Lynn", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Lynn, I'm just gonna say to you everything that I am thinking." }, { "character": "Lynn", "line": "OK." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I think you have the best smile. I'd like to take you out to dinner and a movie." }, { "character": "Lynn", "line": "OK." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Nice. [Both laugh] Boobs. [Lynn blushes]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well, it's uh, his funeral. So... neh!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ding dong." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Who is it?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "KGB." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright. I just got out of the shower, I'll be one second." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[in accent] When you are done, open the door. ... Hello in there?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, I'm late for work, so I have to brush my teeth, it's a whole routine." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "We have more houses to visit." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "If you want to come back then, that'll be fine." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "We will come back at... how is [looks at watch] 4:45?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I get back from work around 6." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "How about 5:15?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You can try. That, that might work." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Very well, we will come back at 5:15." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright." } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael, since it is your fifteenth anniversary at the company, I thought it might be appropriate to begin the festivities with a fifteen-minute round of applause." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I like it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Followed by a fifteen minute moment of silence." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[wearing a tuxedo] I don't know. Is it classy enough?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jim! Enough with the classy, ok?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I just feel like after fifteen years at this company, bravo by the way, that we should celebrate with a very classy event, a night to remember." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I think you're right. This party has to have all the excitement, drama and intrigue of my time here." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And of course, classy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And classy, yeah." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael, you're just agreeing with him because he's wearing a tux. Don't you see what he's doing here?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Last week, Dwight sent out a memo about the dress code. So, this is me showing him that I'm taking it very seriously." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, here's one: a string quartet, playing classy-cal music. [Jim grimaces]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[watches Jim grimace, copies him] You know, that's good but it's not classy. I-I need something classy like the opening of a car dealership." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's it. Or Mr. Peanut." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Mr. Peanut is not classy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "He is." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "He is a regular peanut. He just happens to have a cane, a monocle and a top hat." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's what makes him classy." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ok, how about this? An ice sculpture, shaped like you, covered in chocolate-covered strawberries." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, Dwight, you're trying too hard, and that's just not classy. You see, the thing about classy is it's a state of mind." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, I'm sorry, I just don't know what classy is then." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok, well let's just try this one on for size. And I apologize because it's right off the top of my head: an ice sculpture. Of you. Completely surrounded by a variety of chocolate-covered fruits." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Strawberries?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's inspired." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I said that! [storms out, slams door behind him]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Not classy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Not classy at all." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "De class�." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "French. Classy." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hi, can I help you?" }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Yeah, I'm Charles Miner, here to see Michael Scott." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Sure. Just one second. Please have a seat." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[on speakerphone] Yes?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael, there's a Charles Miner here to see you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Miner? I hardly know her!... Hello?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, are you coming out now?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh-huh. [comes out of office] Well, well, well, who have we here? Ah, it is Prince Charles Miner. [shakes Charles' hand] At your service. Everybody, this is Sir Charles Miner and he is the new VP for the Northeast region. So, just give it up for this big guy, right? Give it up. [leads round of applause] Here he is." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "I-I was-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wow! Hold that thought. I want everybody to go into the break room. I have a little surprise for you. Go ahead. You too. Dwight, would you escort our guest in there? C'mon, here we go, don't be shy, don't be shy, you're one of us . [whispers] Dwight, stall him a little, I have to get the fish." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Really wish you would have told me the new boss was coming today." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What? No, I didn't want to make everybody nervous." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nope. I mean, I could have brought a change of clothes, or-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You look dynamite. What are you talking about? Very slick. Ok, get the fish." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Originally founded in 1866, Scranton quickly became one of Pennsylvania's largest anthracite coal-mining communities." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Surprise, there is nothing in here. The real surprise is in the conference room. Let's go! [swings arm above head for everyone to come, hits doorframe] Oh! God! Ok, come on, come on!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "We'll finish it up later, but essentially what we're talking about is..." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Surprise! [unveils bagels sitting on table] As you can see, I turned the bagels from O's into C's, for Charles." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Took me all night." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "This is what you did last night?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I met this guy at corporate last week and we were just digging each other's vibe. I was totally grooving on him and vice-versa. And besides, the last two people to have his job were Jan and Ryan. The former was my lover, and the latter my best friend. So, who knows? I do. [in British cockney accent] It's gonna be mental! It's going to be mental." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "My god, he's like a black George Clooney." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Really? I don't see it. I mean, he's ok, he's not unattractive, it's. . ." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, how you doing? Jim Halpert, sales. Just wanted to say, if you need anything, let me know." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Why are you wearing a tuxedo?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I didn't think you'd notice. [laughs nervously] Uh, it's funny actually, there's another salesman out here, Dwight Schrute, and he sent out this memo, as he always does, and, uh, it was about professionalism in the workplace. Of course, he singled me out. So I just had to mess with him." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Uh." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, you'd understand if you read the memo which I should probably get you, there's probably one in a drawer... uh. It was pretty crazy. But, uh, not more crazy than wearing a tux, at work, I grant you that... so, uh." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Your name is Jim?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Jim Halpert, yep. So, um, just going to let you get back to it... [being pulled away by Pam]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "He just had to wear his tux today." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I thought it'd be funny." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Took him 40 minutes to get ready." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right, let me introduce you to some of the troops. Accounting, front and center. Come on up here. I'd like you to meet somebody. This is the accounting department." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Hey, I come from accounting, too." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, nerd alert!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Ni-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "This is Oscar Martinez. He is Latino. And he just got out of a long-term relationship with a man, Gil, who broke his heart. But he didn't bring any of that into work, it did not affect his job performance whatsoever and I am very proud of him for that." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Hey, Oscar, it's good to meet you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "This little hell-raiser is Angela. She has slept with a bunch of different guys in the office. One over there, in the orange [points to Andy]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey-o!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "There you go! Where's the other?" }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "You know, Michael, I don't need to know everyone's sexual history." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, perfect, because we have now arrived at Kevin and he has no sexual history." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hey!" }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "How about I just say hi to everyone at one time?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good. Good, good, good. Everyone, please give it up for Charles Miner. [claps]" }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Thank you, Michael. Thank you for the C-shaped bagels." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh! Well..." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "That's great." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Above and beyond." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Hey, you know we're in tough times and we're not immune to this economy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's true." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "But the goal is to, you know, fight our way through this." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[clears throat, raises his hand] Stanley Hudson. Are there gonna be layoffs?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. Absolutely not." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Uh, hold on, Michael, thank you. Uh, Stanley, you know, we can't make any promises, but we'll try everything in our power to avoid that." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Do you have specifics?" }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Sp-Well, um, Michael should have filled you in last week." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, due to the economy, there is a lot of worry going around. I didn't want to worry people." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "You didn't tell them." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, why don't-" }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Yeah, I will. What I told Michael last week-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Charles is going to tell you." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Is that we are cutting three percent across the board, which means we will no longer be matching 401k contributions. All overtime requests will need to come through the corporate office." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Fantastic." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, it's not official." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "It is official. It is official. And actually, guys, I'm encouraging branches to consider a freeze on discretionary spending." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Such as salary, benefits, etc, etc. Insurance." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "No, no, not salaries. Petty cash, supplies, and uh, you know, parties." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well-" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What about your party?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok, ok, you know what? I think this has been great. I think this gives us a lot to think about, doesn't it? Charles Miner, ladies and gentlemen. [starts round of applause] He has a long trip home. Thank you for coming in. We have to get back to work." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Michael, I'm going to stay for the day." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh no, no, no. You don't have to do that. I've got this covered. This was just a meet-and-greet." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "No, it's a little bit more than that. I'm going to set up in here, ok?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am thrilled that the new boss has taken such an active interest in all of the responsibilities that I'm supposed to have. Thrilled." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[on speakerphone] David, it was my understanding that I was not going to be managed." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "What gave you that idea?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It was my understanding." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "I see." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Listen, why don't we just leave that position vacant? Truth be told, I think I thrive under a lack of accountability." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Look, Michael, Charles is very qualified. Get to know him. I really think the two of you are going to make a great team." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "But the branch is still mine?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "You're still the branch manager, yes, and if you need anything else at all, just let Charles know." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ask him about the party." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, right. David, are you coming to my fifteenth anniversary party?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "I'll give it my best shot, Michael." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No the other thing." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, ok. If we hire Cirque de Soleil as salaried employees, will that help us with year-end tax stuff? [several seconds of silence]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "He hung up?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "No." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I just got off the horn with David Wallace, and he said that you and I should try to get to know each other better. And I agree, so what I would like you to do is tell me something that you've never told anybody before." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Come on. What's your wife's name? Where did you work before you came here?" }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Saticoy Steel." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Beautiful. See, African-Americans have such a rich history of unusual names." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "No, I worked at a company called Saticoy Steel." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're not from paper?" }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Does David know this?" }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Yeah, he knows. He just wants a good manager." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well that, actually, is an excellent segue into really what is my only point-" }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "And what is that?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And that- I-I don't need to be managed, Charles. And if you want pick up some tips, observing here, and take them to the other branches, it's all good. But Jan would mostly come by when she was super horny, and Ryan would come by to visit his parents and do laundry, so... Are we clear?" }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "That's not how I plan on doing things." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok, alright, well I'll just bounce that off David, see what comes back." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "I'll tell David what he needs to know. Sorry. David wants it this way." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Whatever David wants." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Ok." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[on phone] Michael Scott calling for David. Well, just tell him to call me ASAP as possible. Thanks." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, Michael, come on, no. You have to charm 'em. [calls back on speakerphone]" }, { "character": "Stephanie", "line": "David Wallace's office." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey there, gorgeous. How you doing today?" }, { "character": "Stephanie", "line": "Good. Thank you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "How's it hanging?" }, { "character": "Stephanie", "line": "Alright. . ." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Good. Listen, my name is, uh, Michael... Scotch. And, uh, I just wanted to say that, uh, I've got David Wallace's son in the trunk of my car. If he doesn't get on this phone in 5 seconds-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No! You idiot! [hangs up] Idiot, idiot, idiot! What are you doing? God! Oh my god. [redials]" }, { "character": "Stephanie", "line": "David Wallace's office." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hi Stephanie, it's Michael Scott again. I just spoke with Michael Scotch and the son's going to be returned, everything's fine." }, { "character": "Stephanie", "line": "Michael..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And I really really need to talk to David." }, { "character": "Stephanie", "line": "Please hold." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "[on cell phone] Charles Miner. Hello? Hello, who is this? Who is this?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I was never given a name. [hangs up, he and Dwight sigh in relief]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Yawns at desk, looks up to see Charles watching him from conference room, looks up again to see Charles peering through blinds]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[Smiles]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[to delivery men] Uh, hi, can I help you? I don't think anyone here-" }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Oh, uh, Pam? Hey everyone, lunch is on me today." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "That is so unnecessary!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Are you kidding me with this? On the day that I bring in breakfast?" }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "It's no big deal." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I wish you had told us sooner, because I was going to go to the vending machine and get an egg salad." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "You still have that option. [Michael sighs]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Thanks again, Charles." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nobody thanked me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thanks, Charles." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "For breakfast. Except Charles. You say no more parties, and then you spend all of this money on lunch, I think it's a little hypercritical." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "I do this for every branch I go to. If you do not like it, then I think there are some bagels left over from this morning." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[on phone] Damn it, Stephanie, put me through to him. Is that him in the background? David? David! David, pick up the phone!" } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Should I seduce him?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No. No one wants to see that. [both smile at David]" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yep." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I just realized that I used the 2008 calendar to do the spreadsheets for January and February. I may need to come in this weekend to fix it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do some overtime? You want to do some overtime this weekend? You know what, Kevin, I applaud your initiative. Yes. You may." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Uh, no, sorry, Michael. No, Kevin, right? We're going to need you to do that during office hours." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Ok." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Ok." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Kevin? This is my branch. You don't ask Charles. You ask me. I say, approved." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "That's not the way it's gonna work." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes it is!" }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "No, it is not." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, it is not." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Ok, so we're on the same page, great." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok, so we're on the same page, great." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Ok, Michael, what are you doing?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok, Michael, what are you doing?" }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "No, seriously." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, seriously." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "How old are you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "How old are you?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh no." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I can tell Michael's mood by which comedy routine he chooses to do, the more infantile, the more upset he is. And he just skipped the Ace Ventura talking butt thing. He never skips it. This is bad." } ], [ { "character": "Charles", "line": "Five years old?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Five years old?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Duuudes, stop." }, { "character": "Employees", "line": "[as Michael continues imitating Charles] Not a good idea, Michael. Michael, stop. Stop doing that. Stop it. You're going to get all of us in trouble." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "I will walk away." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm gonna walk away." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Stop doing that!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm kidding around, wow! Relax, everybody, it's just a joke. It's fine. Boy, so touchy. PPC, let's continue our morning meeting in the conference room." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "And then, out of that cake, pops another stripper holding a smaller cake. And then an even smaller stripper pops out of that one." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What is that smaller stripper holding?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Cupcake. It's cupcakes and strippers all the way down." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok." } ], [ { "character": "Charles", "line": "What exactly is the PPC?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh, that's the Party Planning Committee. They spend hours planning parties." } ], [ { "character": "Charles", "line": "Excuse me, guys. What's going on in here?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Party Planning Committee. Not your concern, Charles." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "This doesn't seem like a good way to spend company time." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really? Well then how would we come up with great ideas like Jim's? Go ahead." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, I would like to get back to work, actually, please." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Whatcha got, Jim?... What is a two-way petting zoo?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You pet the animals and they pet you back." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's a great idea. And we have a cake in the shape of a bale of hay." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's really just a regular shaped cake." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "But it's cool, and it's-" }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "This isn't a good use of company time, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Whoa. You're talking about my anniversary party, so. . ." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Everyone, except for Michael, go back to your desks." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, why don't you do that?" }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "[Dwight, Jim and Pam leave] Thank you very much." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, here we go. Ok." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Ok, Michael, I'm dissolving this committee." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Yeah, I mean, come on. This is a work place. It isn't designed for your vanity." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Newsflash: I've been here for fifteen years. Headline: You have been here one day. End of story. You have no right to cancel my fifteenth anniversary party. End of story. End of story. End of story!" }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "I don't know if I have hurt your feelings or you do not disagree with my methods, but it is over." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok, no, no, no, no. No. You know what? I'm going to New York. And I am going to talk to David Wallace. [gets jacket] I'm going to tell him everything. And I'm sorry to say, you're screwed. And, you know what? You are gonna be through. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry to do that to you. Do you even know how paper is made? It's not like steel. You don't put it into a furnace. If you put paper into a furnace, you know what would happen? You'd ruin it. [pushes chair as he leaves]" } ], [ { "character": "Charles", "line": "[Jim knocks on door] Come in." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright, Charles, I've gotta be honest. I think we really got off on the wrong foot here. And, truth be told, I'm a pretty smart guy, and, uh, a hard-worker. And a great number two for the office." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Number two?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Second-in-command to Michael." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Oh, I didn't know that position existed." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, that's because at first it was a made up position for Dwight, just to make him feel better, assistant to the regional manager. But then he lost that, and Michael gave it to me." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "So you're the assistant to the regional manager?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Assistant regional manager, yeah." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Any responsibilities come with it?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, not exactly." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "So you keep this made up position? It's important to you?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright, I will, um, I'm just gonna let you get back to that." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Yeah, would you, uh?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yep. [shuts door behind him]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hello, Stephanie. Ok, where is he? [looks into empty office]" } ], [ { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "[coming out from bathroom] Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[points to bathroom door] So is this the meeting you've been in all day?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "How did you get here, Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I drove." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Ok." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Cancelled my fifteenth anniversary party. Just pulled the rug out from under me. And he said no figs. I've already bought em. And I don't have a place to store them. So, I feel like I've been sort of boned." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Michael. Listen-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do you talk to him about this? You've talked to him all day, obviously. Did you talk to him about this?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Well, I didn't know about the figs, specifically. . ." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok. Then I don't get it. It doesn't make any sense to me. Because I thought in the new system I was supposed to talk to Charles, and then Charles was supposed to talk to you, and that would dilute any need for me to ever talk to you again." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "That's not exactly-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Clearly that's what you wanted." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Fifteen years I have been here. And I have sacrificed a lot." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I've put having a family on hold." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "We didn't ask you to do that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And I've never gone hang-gliding. And I've never driven my car to the top of Mount Washington." } ], [ { "character": "Charles", "line": "Ok. Nice meeting everyone. I'll see you in a couple of weeks." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Cool." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Excellent." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "It was very nice meeting you, Charles Miner." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "See ya. See ya. [Charles leaves] Bye!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "And for my next trick, I will make my career disappear." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I could see our kids facing obstacles being half-Black and half-Indian, but it's so worth it, you guys." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "It's just me here." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I am going to get him to buy me a prime rib tonight." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I think he left." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "What?! Move! [pushes cameraman out of the way]" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "[Kelly runs to parking lot in the rain] Hello, Charles? Charles!" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Hey! Is that his scarf?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No! [Kelly chases Angela through parking lot]" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "[out of breath and wet] Charles and Kelly? Absolutely not. He is a sophisticated man. He does not need to go dumpster-diving for companionship, ok?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't understand that after fifteen years of service here, I have to get in the car and drive to New York in order to talk to you. That doesn't seem right to me. That doesn't seem fair. And I think that I've earned more than that." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Yeah. You're right. Yes. I get it. I get it, Michael. Here's what I'm going to do-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "We will move some money around, and I will personally see to it that you have your party, you have your figs. I will be in attendance. It's gonna be great. How's that?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[gets up to shake David's hand] I quit." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You have no idea how high I can fly." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'm telling you, when corporate sends somebody, it is big trouble, or, really good news. And then sometimes it means business as usual." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Ok, what do you think?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Well, it's-" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Why are you asking him? I just told you why he's here." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "The real question here is who's this guy work for?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Dunder Mifflin." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Ah, it's all starting to make sense now." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I had no idea when I got in that car and headed to New York I was going to quit. I got on that ramp and I thought two hours, two hours to go. Feeling good. Listen to some tunes. Should've peed before I left." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Michael get to the good part." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, so. I get up to the building, I get to the revolving door... broken! So I have to take the normal door." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "At least he is in the building." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, No! I was so nervous it was the wrong building! I walked into the wrong building!" }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "[groans]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "He finally has a story everyone wants to hear... and he knows it." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay focus. Focus. You're in the right building, you're with the right people; what happened?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I looked at Wallace and I said \"I quit!\" and as I turned to leave I looked back and I said \"You have no idea how high I can fly.\"" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Did you tell him how sick of him you were?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why would I do that?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Well, wouldn't it feel good to tell him that he was incompetent?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "That he's wasted 15 years of your life?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Did you spit in his face?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You guys have thought about this a lot more than I have. I just winged it." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I love a good quitting story. It makes me feel like I have control over my own life. Gives me hope. Maybe I will have one of own someday. [laughs] But I dream... so..." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Michael has a 'sticky-hand' toy and snags a paper off Jim's desk and then laughs] About a week ago, Michael gave his 2-week notice. And, surprisingly there is a very big difference between Michael trying and Michael not trying." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Michael is that scotch?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Scotch with Splenda. Tastes like Splenda, gets you drunk like scotch. [in Oscar's ear] Clinky, clinky-clink. Come-on... come on, come on." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[slightly drunk] What am I gonna do? I'll tell ya what I'm gonna do. I gonna do a little bit of this, a little bit of that. I gonna stay up all day. Gonna sleep it up all night. I'm gonna give it a OHH! HEY! HO! And I'm going to stop worrying about calories." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Maybe you should go into your office, close the door, and make some calls about jobs?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I have a job." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "For four more days." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Do you have any leads on a job?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam, what you don't understand is that at my level you just don't look in the want-ads for a job. You are head-hunted." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You called any headhunters?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Any good headhunter knows I am available." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Any really good headhunter would storm your village at sunset with overwhelming force and cut off your head with a ceremonial knife," }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Right, cause that's what we are talking about." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Uh, I need you to go over this client list and indicate any wrong or false data." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're 'I need you to' is my command." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey Michael..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Can I talk to you a minute?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You can talk to me for as long as you want. I have all the time in the world. [eats some spaghetti] Oh God! Blech! Phyllis!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I just wanted to tell you that... Oh What? [takes a present out from behind his back] What's that?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh! Hey. What is this about?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Um, you know, cause your leaving and so, it's a farewell..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I hope I get to work with you someday again." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Me too, me too. Is this wine?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ah... busted. Yes" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I already have wine." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh." } ], [ { "character": "Isaac", "line": "[interviewee enters office] Hello." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Isaac", "line": "Isaac Silby here for the interview" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Uh, yes. Please have a seat. It'll be a few minutes." }, { "character": "Isaac", "line": "Thank you. [to Michael] You interviewing too?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hmm?" }, { "character": "Isaac", "line": "Interviewing?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "For?" }, { "character": "Isaac", "line": "Regional manager." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes I am." } ], [ { "character": "Charles", "line": "For regional manager I've decided to go with an outside hire. For obvious reasons." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Where you from?" }, { "character": "Isaac", "line": "Philly." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's a drive!" }, { "character": "Isaac", "line": "Yeah, well this is one of the few places that's hiring. It's uh, its brutal out there." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[sighs]" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Pam?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hmm?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "When will the new copier be ready?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm working on it Kev." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "You said it would be ready by today. And it is today." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It'll be ready soon." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Soon could mean anything. Soon could be 3 weeks." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Is that what 'soon' means to you?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Sometimes." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Then come back soon." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "During the course of business, a copier goes though something called 'Normal wear and tear.'" } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "[feeding coins into a vent] I think it's 75 cents." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "That's a lot." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "[Bandit is chewing on wires] Bandit, No! No no no!" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[dumps coffee all over the copier glass] Oh!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yesterday, they delivered the new one. But they didn't set it up. So my day just got a little more interesting. [holds up a huge manual]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[overhears loud monster noises] Its Monster dot com. Singular." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you. [groaning ceases]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "You work in paper long enough, you get to know the players. [dials phone]" }, { "character": "Phone", "line": "Hi, you've reached Prince Paper. We are sad to inform you that after 40 years of serving the community we are no longer in business. Thank you for your support. May God bless you. [girl's voice] Bye!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[sighs] What am I gong to do? Uh... [chuckles]." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "PSST! PSST!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah... .you want me to come in your office? Oh." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, oh okay, okay. Close your eyes." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I would prefer not to." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just close your eyes. I'm going to start my own paper company." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You're starting your own paper company?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "yeah!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Why?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Can you believe... cause I know paper. I know everything there is to know about paper." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Do you know the industry is in decline?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah! Oh God. I practically invented decline." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Right." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Right, I know paper, I know how to manage. I have a name, close your eyes." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, I did that before, it added nothing." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Close them." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay. [keeps eyes open]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright, Michael Scott Paper Company. You want in? Do you want to be a part of this?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I am not gonna do this." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Obviously." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And you are not going to, either." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, agreed, mmm, except..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Here's the thing. What I wish for you is that you land a job at a company that A, exists, and B, has a salary. Because they're set up to do that kind of thing." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey hey... what's up Chuck?" }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "what are you doing?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nothing, just talking." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Okay, Michael handed in his 2-week notice, did you also hand in your 2-week?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I didn't... no." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Okay. After you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No I'm staying." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[examining the copier manual] Do you want me to translate the German instructions for you?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, I'm sure they're pretty much the same as the English instructions." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Typical American ignorance that got us involved in a war we never should have been in. World War II." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That's a really... well fine, Do the German instructions say what this is supposed to do?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Deutsch... let me see here. That is either an incense dispenser, or a ceremonial sarcophagus." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hmm..." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "My German is pre-industrial and mostly religious." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam, listen. This order form. Instead of saying \"Dunder Mifflin\" at the top is there any way I could get it to say something else?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Like Michael Scott Paper Company?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You... oh. Somebody has been talking in bed. Pillow talk." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hmm... yeah. Listen Michael. Have you really thought this through? 'Cause it's a pretty big risk." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "This is a dream that I have had since lunch, and I am not giving up on it now." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah... you could give it up though right? And almost nobody would know." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Before you got here, I'm the one who landed all these clients. Half of them, at least. I can do it again. I know the market, I know the price points. I'm on it, don't worry. So, how do I do that?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, um, you can scan it, and then you can upload the image, and then you can copy the new image." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Can't I take some paper and just tape over it with transparent tape?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah. Good." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you very much." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Mmm-hmm" } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "So that is why I have to leave at 5: 00 on Tuesday, it's to pick up my little sisters from school. We're really tight. We're like the Kardashians.." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "You know, you can run this stuff by Toby." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Yeah I don't like talking... [knock on door]" }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Come in..." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were with anyone. I just wanted to bring you the brochure on that accounting seminar that I was telling you about. Earlier." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Yep, we were in the middle of something so why don't you just..." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Okay, um, actually you know it was so much fun last year. There was a Sunday-bar. I mean I didn't have any, you know, to stay trim." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Did Michael just let anybody in his office?" }, { "character": "Angela & Kelly", "line": "Yep! Yeah. He just loved having people, communicating all the time. He was like 'Come on in!\"" } ], [ { "character": "Charles", "line": "I am aware of the effect I have on woman." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "So you should be heading back to your desk." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Okay. Bye Charles. Well you'll let me know. Good bye." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "She's such a special person. And she's turning 50 this year." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm starting my own paper company." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No way!?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "In this climate?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah. In all climates. It's going to be worldwide. And I'm looking for some talented salesmen to join me. That's where you come in." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ehh... [in accent] well it's a very intriguing concept, isn't it? Um... hmmm..[makes weird noises to stall, Dwight enters] Michael is starting his own paper company. What do you think about that?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Your own paper company." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Can you believe it? Well, we'll see, we'll see. It's just a, just a nugget of an idea right now so" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Right..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Potential, lots of potential. yes." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What a courageous venture." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's... it's very courageous, very exciting. Um..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Location is hard for me, with the farm and the responsibilities..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's what I was thinking, with the farm, so... You getting to wherever I'm gonna put my thing." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay. So yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So think about it. Lets put a pin in it for now." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You know, I would love to put a pin in that." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Everyone, can I have your attention. This is the moment you've all been waiting for. Right? [drum roll on copier]" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Little Ms. Thing wants attention." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Meredith... [copier has an error] Oh... so uh... G-44. It's not ready Kevin!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm at a crucial point where I have sunk 4 hours into that copier, and I am not going to let it beat me like that wireless router did." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[bites his sandwich and notices there is a note in it]" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You put a note in my food?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I made it sterile." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Just to say \"sterile\" doesn't make it so." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am offering you the opportunity of a lifetime, Oscar. To come work for me." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Do you have a business plan? A funding request? Market research, financials?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no no." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You need those things. Most new businesses, they don't make a profit till at least two years. And then your margins will be razor thin. Best case scenario, you don't cut yourself a salary for at least 5 years. Can you go 5 years without a salary, Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Five years?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, hey, you already have the job. You don't have to convince me." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "It's just not prudent Michael." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[from inside the restroom] Stanley?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Can't you see I'm urinating?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Listen, Listen, Stanley. You don't have to answer me now." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just... I want you to think about it, I'm starting my own company." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh-okay, you're not letting me finish, and you just lost out on a million dollars." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "No I didn't." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what. I had a great time at prom. And no one said 'Yes' to that either." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "How's it working?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Um, let's see... it's fine." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Good." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I did it. I learned everything about this machine. I know all the buttons, even the inside ones. I know all the error messages. I could do a bound book, in plastic with offset colors. Which feels..." } ], [ { "character": "Charles", "line": "Hey Hank, You ready?" }, { "character": "Hank", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Okay, Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hmm?" }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "I can't pretend I haven't seen that. So I am going e to ask you to stand up, walk out. And you can't take anything." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, I have immunity. It's my two-weeks..." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "not if you're starting your own paper company, Michael. Hank..." }, { "character": "Hank", "line": "Okay Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hank? You really think Hank is going to be loyal to you? Hank, please escort Charles from the building." }, { "character": "Hank", "line": "Come on man, let's, let's go." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I always thought Michael got a bad rap. He's a good guy. And he's super funny. Yeah, maybe I should tell him before he goes. He's all the way over there." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[to everyone] Well here we are... I would just like to..." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "No, no no no. You're done, Michael." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[yelling from Parking lot] Alright then everybody, I'm outta here!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[from behind the upstairs window] What is he doing? It looks like he's saying something." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I think he's singing." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I can't believe this is really happening." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "... and I feel free!" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "And just like that. As mysteriously as he arrived, he was gone. [Michael sneaks back in the parking lot, and into a back door of the building]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "The whole office feels darker, you know? It's just a sad dark day." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Andy He's gone." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I know." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "You don't have to kiss his ass anymore." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Michael is like a movie on a plane. You know, it's not great, but it's something to watch. And when it's over you're like... how much time is left on this flight? Now what?" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[Michael is Army crawling around the office] Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Shh shh shh... don't look down, look straight up. Come on please!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "These are for employees only." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Angela Kevin, you have to help me out I just need a few things then I will be gone." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Michael, why is it that you asked everyone except me, Angela, Creed, and Meredith?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I was going to, I wanted to. But I had to start somewhere." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "But you didn't want to start with us?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, of course not. But now I want everybody. Jim! Jim? Buddy, Hey! Buddy, Jimbo? Did you have time to think about my offer?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I did have a chance to think about it, but then I thought about something else." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So which way are you leaning?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well it is tempting but I am 100% leaning towards something else." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thanks Jim." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Hey, did anyone see the client list that Michael was supposed to be working on." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Okay, let me know if you find it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, Okay, we don't have much time. Just act normal. Don't look at me people. Stop. Don't look down. Don't look down. He's going to see me. Don't look all the way up. Keep it at a normal height. Okay. This is not Michael Scott talking right now, this is your future. Hello, I am your future. You're older, and you are very happy now. Because you went with Michael Scott. Right. So everybody come on down. Lets just crawl out of here together. Alright? Come on! Are you, are you doing your best here? Are you being the best that you can be? [Pam is thinking hard] Alright. Everybody who's going to go with me I want you to stomp your foot. Okay, alright. Come on. You're coming with me. Come on Phyllis. Here we go, here we go!" }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Michael get up!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh God... okay alright. It's time to go it's time to go. Jim, let's go. Come on!" }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Michael, what are you doing?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I think maybe Hank should be here." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Hank? No, I don't need Hank Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're going to mess with me, is that what you're going to do? I'll tell you something Charles, I don't even care. Cause I've got nothing got lose. [Charles steps towards Michael] Oh my God, OH GOD! No no, all right. Fine, it's not even worth it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh no." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm going with him." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What? Pam!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm going." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Pam! You can't be serious." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael, wait! I'm coming with you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You are?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. It's going to be great." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Great. Uh, except, I don't want to be a receptionist anymore." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Right... Executive assistant." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Salesman." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright, okay. Deal! Okay, well... Jim?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Still no." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, okay, lets go." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, all my stuff is still upstairs so..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Are people watching?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Probably." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Michael, its not how you leave in an office. It how you..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jim Jim Jim... we're having a company meeting here." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'll bring your stuff home. Okay, bye." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay, see you later." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Bye." } ], [ { "character": "Charles", "line": "So, we had a personnel change today. Shouldn't effect our day to day. But, until we get a new receptionist I want Kevin on the phones." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Phones?" }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Also, there has been too much wasted time. So Stanley." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[holding a crossword puzzle] Yes." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Yeah, I want you to be on top of that okay? I want you to be my productivity czar. Okay, good. Uh, okay that it on my list. So uh, you know, no excuses guys. Lets get going okay? [everyone leaves except Kevin and Stanley, who are sitting stunned in their chairs]" } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[phone ringing] You gonna answer that, Kev?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh, right. Thanks. [reading off index card] Dunder Mifflin, this is Kevin. Please hold while I transfer you. [cupping the mouthpiece, yelling] Oscar, your mom!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Charles is having Kevin cover the phones for a while. How do I say this diplomatically? [pause] I think Kevin is doing exactly as well as anyone might have expected someone like him to perform in a position like that." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Please hold. [cupping mouthpiece and holding out the phone] Andy! Phone call." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No. [Andy gets up from his desk] Stay there. Kev, thought we nailed the whole transfer thing earlier." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah, I wrote it on my hand... but then I washed it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It is transfer, extension, and then transfer again." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Okay. Andy, get ready. [muttering] Transfer. Extension. Transfer." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Here we go. [Meredith's phone rings. Jim and Andy groan.]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh, man!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It is 1-3-4, Kev! [Kevin runs to the phone]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Kev, c'mon." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hustle!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hold it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You are murdering the Nard-dog!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[on phone] This is Kevin. Please hold and I will transfer you. [Phyllis's phone rings]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "You're bad at this too!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[running to the phone] Just... don't answer that call!" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Just transfer the damn call." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Your call is very important to us. Ple-[Andy's phone rings]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey-o! [applauding and cheering]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Way to go." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "My maid died." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Today is my first day at my new job at Michael Scott Paper Company Incorporated. You know, Apple Computers started in a garage. And we're starting in a condo. So we already have a leg up on Apple. [picks up piece of mail] Look, it's official! [door opens, Michael is in a bath robe]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, good. My hooker's here. [laughs] Hi." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael, you were expecting me, right?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes I was. Yes I was." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Are you wearing anything under the robe?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That is inappropriate, Pam. Come on in." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "This looks great, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you. Would you like some french toast?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes, please." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What shape?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "... Square is fine." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright." } ], [ { "character": "Charles", "line": "Just want to fill you in on a few details. As you know, I will be running the branch while we search for Michael's replacement. So please feel free to come to me with any questions or concerns. [Kelly raises hand] Yeah." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Where will you be staying while you're in Scranton?" }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Eh, uh, in a hotel." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Charles, where were you born?" }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Actually, I meant questions more about the day-to-day operations of the company. Kay. [Andy raises hand] Yeah." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "How are operations of the company? Just, day-to day." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Okay, let's go over non-discretionary cuts. Okay, guys? [Charles sees Stanley with his crossword, Charles stares and he puts it away] Thank you. So, umm..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[whispering] Would you please stop that?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You're breathing very heavily." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "This is how I breathe." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No it's not." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "If you want to tell me -" }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Okay, Jim Halpert. I need your eyes up front." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh no. I was just -" }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "No. Hey, hey. I just want to hear \"yes\"." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "... Yes." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Good. As I was saying..." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh no! The new boss does not find Jim adorable! Ohhhh! [smiles]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "So, what do you say we get started?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "After breakfast." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm full." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So how you feeling about the new company?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I feel good. [sees a huge pile of French toast] Wow." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You excited? About the new company?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah. I'm excited to start the company." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "After breakfast." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We did that. So, what's next? Michael, just stop for a second. [reaches out to take the whisk] Michael. Stop for a second." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I'm whipping them." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, I know you are." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just let go." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Just let me have... Oh." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Let go, please. Just gimmee -" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Fine! [eggs splatter all over his robe] Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I can't do this! This is pathetic, isn't it? I am such an idiot. I gave up the only job I ever loved to do this? I have egg in my Crocs." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I never see him drink. I never see him eat." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I don't think he even uses the bathroom." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Oh, he does. He does." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[doing situps] I feel weak today. Felt much stronger yesterday. Like Benjamin Button in reverse." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You know, Michael. When I feel overwhelmed -" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm not overwhelmed, Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I know! No, I'm saying that when I feel overwhelmed, something I like to do is make a list. Make a list of things to do and then start with the easy stuff." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Whatever calms you down." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay, first, work out. And, hey! Look! You did that. Check. [Michael doing leg lifts] Eat an enormous breakfast. Check." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Don't patronize me, Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I think you should get dressed." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm not getting dressed. I'm not getting dressed. I have too many things to do before I get dressed. I need to find a hundred clients." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael, that seems impossible." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's totally impossible!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We need to come up with one realistic thing that we could do today." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Assemble a sales team. A dream team." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Great." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, Ryan." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No. What? Why?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "He's everything I'm not and everything I am. He's the whole package." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No. We're not gonna hire Ryan." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Umm... Oh! Vikram! Best salesman I've ever met." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "He worked at that telemarketing place." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We'll find him." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. Oh also, we have a meeting this afternoon with a potential investor." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We have an investor already?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Maybe. Barbara Keebis. She invests in local businesses. And I am putting together a little presentation for her." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael, that's fantastic." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, I guess it's not so bad. Got a few things cookin'. [sits down in robe, legs spread wide] Umm..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey! We need to get you dressed!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I have doubts about this too. But when one person freaks out, sometimes it weirdly makes the other one calmer. That's one thing I've learned about relationships. I hate that I just used the word relationship. [Michael comes out in a suit] Hey! You look great! [checks something off her list] Let's go!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[laughing at something on his computer]" }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "You a soccer fan?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh. Oh my God. I'm so embarrassed. You weren't supposed to see this. This is like my secret obsession." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Well, that makes two of us." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No way!" }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I hate soccer. But guess who doesn't hate soccer? Charles Miner." } ], [ { "character": "Charles", "line": "I was actually in Germany for the 2006 World Cup Finals." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ahhh. You bastard! That shoulda been me!" }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Yeah, I love the sport. I love the sport. Alright, man." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Cool!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I've never been a kiss up. I - it's just not how I operate. I mean, I've always subscribed to the idea that if you really want to impress your boss, you go in there and you do mediocre work. Half-heartedly." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Next on the list - open the mail." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh. Wow. \"Michael Scott Paper Company.\" Okay. Very official. \"Dear Mr. Scott. Please be advised that it is in violation of your condominium agreement to conduct a business headquartered in your residence. The penalty, a forfeiture of residence.\"" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, okay. It's fine. It's fine. We're just gonna add \"find office\"..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "How are we gonna find an office? How can we pay for an office?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Next on the list -- song parodies." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. Okay. \"Achey Breaky Fart.\"" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Great. Let's sing it in the car." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No! No No. No. \"My Stumps.\" Like \"My Humps\" but a guy with no legs." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We can do this." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We can do this." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Whoa! And he just goes, \"Boom\". [kicking motion] Goal!" }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Yep. Yep. That's Pele." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You know your soccer, man." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "I know. Yes I do." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I prefer [looks down at palms] Maradona. Uhhh... Diego Maradona." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Oh yeah?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "From Argentina." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "I didn't know we had so many, uh, soccer fans in the office." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I mean, to be fair, I was the first one to talk about it, but..." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "What about you, Jim? You a fan of the game?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh, no. Nope. Not really." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Well, it's not for everybody I suppose. [Andy laughs]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It's 'cause I'm more of a player." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Yeah?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You bet." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Really, Jim? I had no idea you played soccer. 'Cause you never, ever talk about it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well I do." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wow." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I play." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You can be so modest sometimes." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, maybe you should get back to work." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Maybe you and Charles should kick the soccer ball around." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Maybe we will someday." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Maybe you will tonight after work. What do you say?" }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "That's a great idea, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Great ideas are just part of what I bring to the table." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I don't try and be anything that I'm not." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "What do you say, Jim? Huh? Wanna play some soccer?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jim, what do you say?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Sounds fun." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'm in it to win." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Game on!" }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Okay. See you on the field, there, bro." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Let's... eh... see ya." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "See you on the field. Ha, ha. I can't wait!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yep, I used to play soccer in school. From second to fourth grade. I was on the orange team." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[Michael comes out with Vikram, arms raised] We got Vikram!" }, { "character": "Vikram", "line": "You got me." } ], [ { "character": "Vikram", "line": "Where are we going?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We have a meeting with an investor today." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes we do. So, get excited. But I have to go the bathroom real quick. If you'll excuse me, be right back. [gets out of the car] Ah, okay." }, { "character": "Vikram", "line": "He seems really confident." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "He can be." }, { "character": "Vikram", "line": "Confidence. It's the food of the wise man but the liquor of the fool." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hm. I'm looking forward to getting to know you better, Vikram." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey. I would like a pair of size nine, please. [Ryan is working at the bowling alley] It's Michael." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I'm swamped, Michael. [over the PA] Happy birthday to Sally in lane 27." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, imagine a company that has no memory of your past misconduct because they have no files." } ], [ { "character": "Vikram", "line": "He's taking a long time. Is it possible he's bowling? I mean, you know him better than I do." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes. Yes, it's possible." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, it has always been a lifelong dream." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael! What's going on?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, Ryan." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Hey, you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Excuse me. Yes?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "This wasn't on the list." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, it is." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's not." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It is." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[looks at list] When did you add this to the list?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam. Everyone deserves a second second chance. [walks back to Ryan] Ryan, just out of curiosity, how much do you get paid here?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Sixty thousand dollars a year." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You get paid by the year at the bowling alley?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "What do you make, secretary?" }, { "character": "Supervisor", "line": "Back to work, shoe bitch!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I told you guys, I'm really busy here, so..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Would you like to come to work for the Michael Scott Paper Company?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "What size shoes are you guys?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh, nine." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "What are those, a men's ten?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Ryan grabs some shoes] Look what he's doing." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What is he doing?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "He's stealing them. Okay, okay." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh my God." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "He's already paying for himself." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Sorry!" } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Where is it?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Right here." }, { "character": "Vikram", "line": "Hey, c'mon, guys. These are prime selling hours, you know." } ], [ { "character": "Charles", "line": "Miner - [kicking a piece of trash]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, there he goes." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "...sees his partner -" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yikes." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Halpert. He looks up!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Aw, man." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Defending duo! He sets him up! [Jim moves the piece of trash with his hands] He sets him up. Yeah. Oh-ho!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh! Goal!" }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Aw, man, I can't wait to play with you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Aw, it's gonna be the [softly] worst." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Do you guys want to hear about Thailand?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh yeah." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Sure." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "It was indescribable." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sounds awesome." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Beat." } ], [ { "character": "Vikram", "line": "What sort of investing club is this?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Vikram, you ask a lot of questions and I like that. Hey, Nana! Hi!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[mouthing to camera] Nana?" }, { "character": "Nana", "line": "Michael!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "People turn to their families all the time when they need help starting out and if my Nana's investment club can help the Michael Scott Paper Company become a reality, then I'm sure that's what she would have wanted. Does want." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well I'm sure that you must all have very, very busy schedules, so I appreciate you meeting with us here today. What this is is a business that I have worked toward my entire life. Hey! [snaps in front of sleeping old man] I have assembled what I believe to be the most exciting, sought-after talent in the industry today. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the dream team. From our very own Scranton, Pennsylvania - Pam Beesly. Pretty Pam is always reaching for the stars and someday, she may just surprise us all and grab one. Meet Vikram. From his humble beginnings as a - stay standing - from his humble beginnings as a prominent surgeon, he risked it all to become the most successful telemarketer in the lipophedrene industry. And do not call it a comeback. The youngest vice president in the history of Dunder Mifflin, and recent bowling alley employee, Ryan Howard is about to make a splash in paper." }, { "character": "Nana", "line": "So let's hear it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. I have spent the last 15 years learning the ins and outs of the paper industry. With a lean, mean fighting crew and low overhead, I think I can perform the same business at a much, much higher rate of profit." }, { "character": "Nana", "line": "How do you expect to turn a profit in this economy?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "By wanting it more. By working hard-" }, { "character": "Nana", "line": "What's your mission statement?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mmmm-My mission is stated as follows: I will not be beat. I will never give up. I am on a mission. That is the Michael Scott guarantee." } ], [ { "character": "Charles", "line": "C'mon, Oscar. What positions do people play?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wing." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Wag." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Jim. What do you play?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Left." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Forward or half?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Forward, definitely." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Okay, striker, huh?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Striker!" }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Let's see what you got in those legs!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright! Let's do it." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Alright. [Dwight blows whistle in Jim's face] No, no, no. That's supposed to be the kickoff." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Kickoff. [to camera] My strategy is to touch the ball as little as possible. Chalk it up to teamwork. [to team] Alright! [clapping]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "And I offer same day, free delivery." }, { "character": "Nana", "line": "Michael, I don't know about this." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nana. [softly] I really think that Papa would want you to do this." }, { "character": "Nana", "line": "I'm not so sure." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well what is it exactly? I mean, what, what specifically? We don't - it doesn't have to be paper. We could sell medicine and other..." }, { "character": "Nana", "line": "See, this is what concerns me." }, { "character": "Old Woman", "line": "We could just give him a chance. It's not much money." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well... this might not be the right time, but I need more than I originally asked for." }, { "character": "Nana", "line": "This isn't a handout club. It's an investment club!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Nana", "line": "I love you, Michael. I do." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Nana", "line": "But no. I mean it. No." } ], [ { "character": "Vikram", "line": "I thought Nana raised some good questions. What kind of a name is Nana?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It means grandmother." }, { "character": "Vikram", "line": "Oh, sweet Jesus. Look, I'm sorry to do this, but can you drop me back at the telemarketing building?" } ], [ { "character": "Vikram", "line": "You know, Michael? You want to succeed? You got to apply the same- [Michael slams door]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Get 'im, Jim! C'mon, tough D, Jim. [Charles kicks, ball hits Phyllis in the nose]" }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Oh, my God! Oh wow. Jim, what the?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Phyllis, Phyllis." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Phyllis, are you okay? Are, you okay?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "[muffled] No, I swallowed a crown." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Why'd you duck, Jim?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, Jim. Why would an experienced soccer player like yourself duck at the very last moment?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, I'm just gonna go get some ice." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Does that make you feel better? Huh?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm sorry, Phyllis." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Oh, yeah. Jim's sorry." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Do you get TNT? The station? Do you get TNT?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah. I have cable and satellite as a backup. [to Pam] Yeah, I know. Two not-so-great things in a row. Ehhhh, well. Stuff happens, right? At least we got Ryan. The Rye-guy. We should call him Rye bread. We don't have to call him that. Unless you like it. We could call him that." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I can't do this." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What's that?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I can't do this. I had a real job. I sat ten feet away from my fiance. I had health benefits. I was just feeling impulsive. I should have gotten a tiny tattoo on my ankle." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Blech." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I just keep getting bored. And I let things build up and build up and then I - I, I do something too big, like this. Who does this?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well you know what? My mom always used to say that average people are the most special people in the world. And that's why God made so many." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We don't have any money. We don't have an office. We don't have anything." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well we should make a list. Lists are good. Lists are good. Lists are good. First on the list, let's get you out of the car. Alright. [Pam tosses list out car window] Okay..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "How come out of everyone in the office, I'm the only one that went with you? Is it because I'm that stupid? I mean, your own grandmother doesn't even believe in you!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I want you to listen to me. Because I want to tell you the situation that we are both in right now, kay? You quit your job. I quit my job. We both quit. Those are the facts. That's what happened. Now, what are our choices right now? Because you know, kiddo, you quit." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So what are our options? Well, we can start this paper company. We can try. Or... that's it. That's our only option. Because we quit. Pam, I do my best work when people don't believe in me. I remember in high school, my math teacher told me I was gonna flunk out. And know what I did? The very next day I went out and I scored more goals than anyone else in the history of the hockey team. See what I mean? I thrive on this. I thrive on it. So I'm gonna go inside. I'm going to make some calls, I'm gonna get us an office space, and I'm going to show you why you joined this company. Okay? [Pam nods]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "You gotta have some extra space. Philly, work with me here. There's gotta be some sort of secret office that you have... lurkin' around... some awesome, free, keep it off the books... Oh, no. Not there. That would be humiliating." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I did what I had to do. I stepped in. I took charge. That's what being a man is. And earlier today, I was freaking out. Pam stepped up. She was the man. Don't think a woman can be a man? Well, then that's your stereotype, not mine." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[walks into room] Okay." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I could work here. I could see this." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's right in the middle of the paper belt." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Are you good?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, I'm good. You good?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm good." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what they say, keep your friends close. [pointing to office sign where \"Dunder Mifflin\" is listed right above \"Michael Scott Pap\"]" }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Michael, you're back." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, I am, Charles." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Mmmhmm." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Except this time, you have no legal right to kick me out, because I have started my very own paper company right here in the building. If I were you, Charles Miner, I would watch your step. Because the Michael Scott Paper Company is about to open a big ol' can of whoopass on Dunder Mifflin. [Pam and Michael stare him down, he walks away] Actually a six pack. We're gonna open a six pack of whoopass. He looks scared." } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's Britney bitch. And I am back, in the form of a new company. The Michael Scott Paper Company. [tries to parallel park, hits car.] Okay. Not gonna make this one. [drives away revealing plenty of space for the Cruiser]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "LOVE the hair. [Ryan walks up driveway with blonde dyed hair]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Morning Michael!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hello! They took away my parking space but they can't take away my pride! [awkwardly climbs out of his car]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I would like to invite you all to come away with me, on a journey. [nips mylar ribbon with hedge clippers, it won't cut, he tears it down] Welcome! To the Michael Scott Paper Company!" } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "So. I thought we could take the customer on a... Then. Then we could..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You realize you're not actually talking to me, right?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "And..." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Hey Kelly?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Yes? Charles, you wanted me?" }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Oh, I meant, I meant that Kelly. [New receptionist walks in]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "The new receptionist is also named Kelly. So Kelly Kapoor has decided to hover around my desk, so that she can run into his Charles' office every time he calls for Kelly. She thinks if she says \"You wanted me\" enough, he will in fact want her. It's not the worse plan she's ever had." } ], [ { "character": "Charles", "line": "Oh, and Kelly..." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Yes Charles? Yes, you wanted me?" }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Okay, I'm gonna call you Kapoor, okay? And you, Hannon." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "If we're changing names, can I be Erin? It's my middle name." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Erin. Okay, that's very pretty." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Well you know what my middle name is? Rajani Ghana! And I hate it! I hate it!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I thought Rajini Ghanda was a boy's name?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "We are in the heart of it. [Bathroom sounds rattle the small office.] And the surge of water carries our business out to the sea." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What should we do now?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We wait, and hope that people show up to the pancake luncheon." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't know I think we've done absolutely everything you can do to prepare for the day. I've updated our contacts, I have gotten quotes from suppliers. I have sent out an E-vite for our big grand opening pancake luncheon. Six yeses, one maybe, only eleven noes. Um, and 788 not yet replieds. But of that group, 782 have viewed it." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am going to need 800 of these, on nice bright paper. It is a coupon for unparalleled customer service. [He sets sheet between Pam and Ryan on desk. Neither takes it.]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I make that one copy, and I become the girl who makes copies, and by the end of the day I'm receptionist again. And the worst part is, I like making copies. The paper comes out all warm and stuff. And it's cold in there. Cause it's technically a closet." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "What do you think?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Let me check. [Pulls out hunting scope] Oh nope! Clearly a hunter. Who knows how to throw an outfit together." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Thank you!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes, I am taking Andy hunting after work. Not long ago we were sexual competitors. I used to hate him, hate him, hate him, hate him. I studied him, to figure out why I hated him so much. But that blossomed into a very real friendship, as these things often do." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "You should come into town this weekend man. Yeah, we'll hang out Scranton style." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey you said you were gonna be out of town this weekend." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Please don't listen to my phone calls. Yeah, she's like um, she'd probably be a Six in New York, but she's like a Seven here in Scranton. And then uh, my boss is my old boss from Dunder Mifflin. It's a small space." } ], [ { "character": "Charles", "line": "Hey Jim can I get a, um-" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hi! [Awkward]" }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Hi. I need a rundown of your clients, can you get that to me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Sure!" }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "What the hell's a rundown?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "When did you need that rundown by?" }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "As soon as possible." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Just get it right." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah. Gotcha. Of course. I'm gonna dive in. To the rundown. I'll be exhausted 'cause it's like a triathlon. [At door.] Do you want to close this? Close, or keep it?" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You know there's a ghost in this office" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "A woman was murdered on this very floor in 1816. Haddie McGonagle. She was a prostitute." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Why was she in this building?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, this whole place used to be a brothel. There was a tavern on the ground floor." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "That's crazy." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah isn't it? She was bludgeoned to death by the business end of a riding crop." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh my god!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It was gruesome. They say she walks these hallways. If you ever feel a tapping on your shoulder?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hmm." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That could be Haddie. Begging for her life. And it could mean, that you're next. [Taps her shoulder]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh! [Dwight and Erin laugh.]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Just kidding. You finding everything okay?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Just got some ice." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Erin [eerie voice] Erin..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, this is awkward. [Andy and Erin 'dance' trying to get out of each other's way]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oops!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Uh oh! Oh! Oh! [Andy improvs musical verbage]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "So I'll see you guys around!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey buddy." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey Ryan? [Ryan watches Montgomery Flea Market ad on YouTube] Could you get to that copy from before?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Pam's better at that stuff" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That is so insulting." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "How is it insulting to say that you're good at something?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Because the thing you're saying I'm good at, is pushing a big green button a bunch of times." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I'm not judging it, it's like ... I could run GM but I couldn't fix a car. It's not saying one is better than the other." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Seriously? Because it sounds like one of those is better than the other." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "What the hell? [Michael closed his laptop]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Listen. Listen listen listen listen listen listen. I need someone to make a copy of this. Because I don't make copies, I'm the boss. Got it? I make originals." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah I make originals too." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Shut up!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Stop it stop it! Bickering! Stop it!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Really!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah!" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Not much? What's up with you? [from bathroom above] Nah it's okay. I'm in the bathroom. Hey you been watching Damages this year? It's so good. No, you gotta tune in, it's as good as anything on HBO. [sound of pissing] Hey does blue go with tan?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Would someone just make the copy?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I have like, like a blue shirt? I don't wear a lot of colors, I have a lot of tan. Uh huh." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just make that copy okay?" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Seriously? This is what's so important, putting naked pictures on the desktop?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "That's me and my friend Jonathan from Thailand." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't want to look at your friend Jasmine's boobs all day." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "You could be hot too if you made any effort. At all." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Like how? Dyeing my hair blond?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "This is from the sun." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh yeah I bet." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "They're getting on my nerves Mom. Both of them. R thinks he's too good to be here, and P is not as much fun without Jim." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael, we can hear you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm on the phone, please. Mom, I'm gonna have to call you back. P's being a giant B." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay it's my turn." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "No don't take that, give that back!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Give it back for what? What're you gonna do with it?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I'm gonna make a spreadsheet." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You're gonna make another \"spreadsheet.\"" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah exactly. It's my turn." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Go make a copy, secretary." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Come on! Ryan!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "They always say that it is a mistake to hire your friends and they are right! So, I hired my best friends. And this is what I get?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey buddy, what are you up to?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Um, nerthing?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Listen, when I saw you talking to Erin earlier, I noticed that your pupils dilated, and your skin flushed, and I'm assuming, a little bit of blood rushed into your penis." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Pffft." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, a little bit of blood rushed into mine as well, so where does that leave us?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "The last thing I want to do, is step on your funk man." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And I, yours. So I will cede her to you." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No, that's ridiculous." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No no no." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Look you've been here longer, and besides, I'm a better wingman than I am a boyfriend so-" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Look I just want you and I to hang out so, you know. Just, [They Hi-5 badly] Boom." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Listen up. It has come to my attention that some people in this office are not getting along with other people in this office. And I think I have come up with the reason why. This office space is too small." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Definitely." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. There are ... 4 corners in this room. Each corner is to be a personal space for each one of you. Whichever corner you want. And make it your own." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We could work from home." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Or you could fire one of us. Whoever has less education." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay guys, thank you for the offers. But I want you to get pumped about this corner idea. All right? 1,2,3- What are we gonna do?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": ".... Corner idea?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, you're supposed to say, \"Rock the house.\"" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Rock the house!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "How would we know that?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey dude, you know what a \"rundown\" is?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Use it in a sentence." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "\"Uh, can you get this rundown for me?\" [impersonating Charles]" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Try another sentence." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "\"This rundown better be really good\"?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I don't know but it sounds like the rundown is really important." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Charles asked me to do this rundown of all my clients." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Why don't you just ask him--" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No. I can't. It was like, hours ago." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What have you been doing?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Try it in another sentence." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Last night was crazy. Jojo? Yeah. He did a donut in a parking lot in front of a cop. And then he yells, \"Hey cop, you like donuts?\" then we drive off. No, he just stayed there. [Pam goes to sit in a chair in the corner.] I want that new phone. No, the other one. No the other one. No, you know which one I'm talking about it's the one, the one with the awesome browser. [More bathroom noises] No, not that one." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's my corner." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I thought that was your corner." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, this is where I work. I can't relax in the same corner where I work." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "So my corner's the one with the copier?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam, I don't make the rules. [Pam walks out.]" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah. I wish my iPod could make phone calls. No I don't want an iPhone, I know what an iPhone is." } ], [ { "character": "Charles", "line": "You started on that rundown yet? [Looks at Jim's screen.]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, this is just something I'm taking a break with." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I will get back to the rundown, uh, right now." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Okay, great." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey you know what? Do you have a rundown that I could take a look at, just so I know what type of rundown you're looking for ?" }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Just keep it simple." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Keeping it simple -that's what I'm doing. But I am working hard on this one. Real hard." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "You're working hard? On this?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No. Not too hard. Not harder than I should." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Right. I mean why work harder than you should." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, I...." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Can I help you?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No thanks." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey I'm here to see Charles." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey Charles." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Hey Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I know you're a very busy man so I'll cut right to the chase. I'd like my old job back." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "I don't know what to tell you. The job's been taken." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Um, well, I could come back as a salesman. I have experience now." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Um." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Or I could come back as your personal assistant. You know? Sort your mail, set your appointments. I know all the people." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Yeah I know." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Personal shopper?" }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well it was great catching up with you. And I'll see you around the building." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm just gonna sit here for a little bit longer if that's okay. The air smells so good. I don't remember it smelling so good. The chairs are so comfortable." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh hey! Stanley, Phyllis. Come on in. Welcome, welcome. Let me give you the tour." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I get it. [To Phyllis] You need to see more?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "It's really cute." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you. You remember Ryan [Stanley laughs deeply] And Pam is around here somewhere." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "She's upstairs talking to Charles." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What for?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I don't know. [They shrug and leave.]" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Are we staying til five?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Maybe the Michael Scott Paper Company was a huge mistake. I should leave. I should go, and start my own paper company. That'll show 'em." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Get your free pancakes. They are delicious. They are nutritious. They are complimentary. [Flips a pancake. It's about 8x11 inches] Young sir, would you like a free pancake?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I'm texting. I don't want to get my fingers sticky." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ryan, enough with the texting machine. Come on. And tuck in your shirt, you're the face of this company." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey Pam." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You sorta disappeared there for a while. Where ya been?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, I needed to take care of some stuff." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That's as specific as I'd like to be." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, at least you're still being honest with me." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "There's the rundown you asked for. I may have expanded some areas that you weren't prepared for." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Great. Fax that to everyone on the distribution list." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah sure. You want to look at it first?" }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Do I need to?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No. No, I just wanted to make sure, it was in the same format. So that distribution list is gonna be my...?" }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "What's that?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "The one I have. I'll use the one I have." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Just faxing. My Dad. A rundown." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "We're small, but we're eager to make a name for ourselves." }, { "character": "Man", "line": "Do you have a card?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Nope, I don't have a card, but I'll do you one better. A little scrap of paper." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "These are terrible boss. You gotta make them in a circle so that they cook evenly." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "These are shaped like paper." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Well I don't even want these. [Takes the rectangle pancakes out of his coat.]" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I'll take them for my kid." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Country roads, take me home, to the place...[Dwight is strumming the tune on his guitar] Sorry. I like that song. You're good!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You're good." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That was great, but it's just sort of, it's still a little choppy like. But don't worry, it's hard, it took me a while too. It's like [Andy plays Country Roads on his banjo.]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Wow!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What? Oh my God you heard that I'm so embarrassed. I'm like so rusty." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh it's good, you're coming along. It's really technically proficient but really there's no heart or soul in it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey you want to sing with me? Almost heaven..." }, { "character": "Dwight & Erin", "line": "West Virginia, Blue Ridge mountain, Shenandoah River [Andy vocalizes]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "In German! Leben ist dort alt, alter als die Baume, Junger als die Berge, wie eine Brise blasend" }, { "character": "Dwight & Andy", "line": "Take me home, country roads, to the place, I belong. West Virginia, mountain momma, take me home, country roads. [Erin leaves]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Take it Andy! Take me home, to the place I belong, Ba bah dah duh" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "You have to stop. [bangs on glass window]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[sits alone at the pancake table, the breeze blowing paper around.]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I once had a dream. That I was eating a peanut butter and tuna fish sandwich. And, let me tell you something it was delicious. So the next day, I decided to make that sandwich. And in real life it is disgusting. [The phone rings] It is a disgusting sandwich. [It rings again.] And the reason I tell you this story. [phone] Pick up the phone." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Dunder Miff...Michael Scott Paper Company, this is Pam. Oh, hi Russell from the pancake luncheon, how are you? Well we'd like to do business with you too! How can we make that happen?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Keep going. [Whispers]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Don't tell them we have free delivery! [Also whispers]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We already offered free delivery!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "They don't know that!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Um, I can offer you free delivery on any order that you place today. Okay, twenty boxes? I can do... just a second. I can do 20 boxes at 43 dollars a box. Great!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Write it down." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Give him a guarantee." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "A guarantee of what?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just say the word." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "And I guarantee, that you will be satisfied! 'Cause your satisfaction is our guarantee! We guarantee it. We look forward to doing business with you too. Thank you Russell." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I made a sale!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Oh!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You did!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh yeah!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "We did it !" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "She did it!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! [Dancing in the office]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Who would have thought, that the thing that would save this company would be work? And pancakes? In the end, this day definitely had its ups and downs. I realize that we don't have the biggest office. Which is a surprise, because 165 square feet sounds like a lot. But, we have people with the biggest hearts. And I think for a small company that is really [flushing] Someone went to the bathroom. That is really what's important." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Literally every song is better a cappella. Name a song." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Cherry Pie, Warrant." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Better a cappella!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No! Really?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah. Name another." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Enter Sandman, Metallica." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Better a cappella." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Rebel Yell, Billy Idol" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Aw!! Way better a cappella" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah." } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hup! [throws cheese puff to Ryan who catches it in his mouth]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Things are a little slow here. And there's only so much cold-calling you can do in a day. Turns out there's no limit to the number of cheese puffs you can throw at someone's face." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hup! [throws cheese puff to Pam who catches it in her mouth]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We're getting pretty good at it." } ], [ { "character": "Pam & Ryan", "line": "[Throw cheese puffs to Michael]" }, { "character": "Ryan & Michael", "line": "[Throw cheese puffs at each other]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[throws a cheese puff over his shoulder to Ryan]" }, { "character": "Pam & Ryan & Michael", "line": "[Throw cheese puffs to one another, give high-fives]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[Yawns, two cheese puffs thrown at her, one sticks in her hair]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Andy put down a bunch of deposits on stuff for his wedding with Angela, but then she was sleeping with Dwight for... several years. Wait, no, that can't be right." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "The timeline's messy." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Anyway, now we are going bargain hunting in the haunted graveyard of their love." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "This is my solo. [stereo plays Andy imitating bass guitar, a cappella starts singing 'You Can Call Me Al']" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm confused. Am I walking down the aisle to 'You Can Call Me Al?'" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Trust me. You will not be walking. You will be boogie-ing." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I am extremely interested. So, how much will all of this cost?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well, 12 guys, airfare, three nights in a hotel, food per diem, table up front for merch... $9,000." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't know. It seems like a lot for an a cappella group from a college we never went to." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Did you even hear the music I just played for you?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Mm-hmm." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "What's wrong with you?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "These sleeves are cutting off my circulation. Not enough blood getting to my hands." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I think you look nice." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Doesn't Charles know he's compromising my attack readiness? It's not a dress code. It's a death sentence." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Looking good." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "'Kay, thank you. It's a straight jacket! [knocks things off shelf with arms] Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "When Michael was in charge, this place was like the Roman Empire. And the Wild West. And war-torn Poland. And Poland. There was just a lot going on, so what you wore to work was the least of anybody's worries. And in that chaos, I soared." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey. Ed's Tires is thinking of making a change." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[gestures to 'Bed & Breakfast' magazine] Is this good?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "They have some great kitchen ideas." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh. Okay. Ed's Tires, huh?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's small, I know." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I really appreciate it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thanks, Michael. [Michael palms Dwight cash in their handshake] Wait, what is this?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's for your trouble." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wh- I don't need $6 to help a friend." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, listen, as a friend, I want you to have this." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael, you know I can't take this." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, I do." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "But don't forget you owe me $10." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That was four years ago. Why don't you let it go?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "What was up with Pam being all pushy and negative in there?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I think she just didn't want a crucifix cake." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It scares me to see you going down a road that I went down." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Am I going down a road?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "When I see her bossing you around like that, it just makes me wonder if this thing really has the legs to go the distance." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It's so scary how right the things you're saying are. And you're coming at it with almost no knowledge, so of course I trust your opinion on this." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I know a few things about love. Horrible, terrible, awful, awful things." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I was going to use today to purge my inbox, but now something much more pressing has come up." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ed's Tires. Why don't you tell them that we have fewer clients, so we can spend more time with each of them. Also, try to discuss it over Indian food, and try to mention how you distrust women." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm not gonna do that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That is smart. That would not seem genuine. Ryan?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I can get there." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good, you take the lead on this one. Also, do not forget that he has just gone through a messy divorce." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Oh, awesome." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Bring it in. Morning cheer. [clears throat]" }, { "character": "Michael & Pam & Ryan", "line": "U-G-L-Y, you ain't got no alibi! You ugly, huh huh, you ugly! You mama says you ugly! Hey! Go Michael Scott Paper Company!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm here. I'm a part of this now." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You needed to speak to me?" }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Dwight, take a seat." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I prefer to stand. Less blood clots." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Nah, that's weird. You're gonna sit. [Dwight sits] Great. You know, Dwight, it has been quite a transition for all of us. Are you happy with the way things have been runnin' lately?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Do you mean compared to the ways things ran with other bosses? Comparisons are hard." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "I've just been impressed with your performance and I wanted to make sure good work doesn't go unnoticed." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Your concern is noted." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Yeah, I like your work ethic. You're so... focused." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Like a wolf. Thank you." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "And I wanna start givin' you more responsibility. What do you say you and I go out for a drink this week?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Definitely." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[sighs] It's firm." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[on phone] I need you to get me the prices that you're charging Ed's tires so I can undercut Dunder Mifflin." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I don't know that I can do that now. You know, uh, something's come up." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh n- Is it Mose? Did you put the cover on that well?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, Mose is fine. I roped it off. It's not about Mose. Listen, things are changing here, Michael, they're changing fast." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm not following you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Imagine... Someone has a personal hero they really wanna help. But then there's this new guy. Very cool, very Will Smith-esque, who would not like it if he helped his hero." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Personal hero, cool new guy. Okay, I think I'm getting your drift." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Good, do you see what I'm saying?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Crystal clear. So is this for a movie that you're writing?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Can I use it? [Pam holds up note saying \"He's talking about you!\"]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Michael dismisses note, Ryan and Pam point to notepad] Dwight, are you talking about us?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It is possible that I could be talking about us." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Someone could say that it is like the situation that we are in now?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It is the situation that we are in now." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So I would say that the old boss has always been good to Dwight, and he was there first, so he has dibs. You respect dibs, don't you?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm not a barbarian." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good. Will you meet me in 20 minutes at the spot?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I will." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Is the cool new guy Charles?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I've said too much." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Is it Stanley?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, Andy. You know I've been thinkin about what you said-" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "'Noishe.'" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "-I just don't know if I can do it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That's interesting, because I hear what you're saying is that you want to do it, which means you can do it. Believe me, I broke up with Angela, and I'm like, the happiest guy ever. I mean, I'm so happy. I'm so happy. Like, total freedom, you know?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It's just that Pam gets me through the day, you know? I really rely on her. I'm pretty emotionally needy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "And you know what? I am here for you. Let me be your traveling pants. [imitates punching on Jim's fist] Ah, what'd you do that for?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[both laugh] You know that I was doin' this." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[fist pound each other] Totally." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hello, Dwight. What's with the shirt? Are you alright?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm sorry, Michael" }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "[Charles comes from around corner] Hi, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh my God! Run! Run! It's a setup. Setup!" }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "No, Mich-Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight, run!" }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Michael, no, let's be cool, ok?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You be cool." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just-what's going on?" }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "We need to talk about our two companies, and how we should behave. Dwight tells me you've been pestering him for company info." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mm-do... Dwight would not-" }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "He did." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I did, Michael. I was upset about the shirt sleeves at first, but now I'm okay with it." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Michael, I want you to stop pestering my salesmen, and I want you to leave Dunder Mifflin alone. Do you understand?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I. Understand. Nothing." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Michael storms into office] Wow." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael, are you alright?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It was a setup. Dwight told Charles. He told him." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Tell us what you're talking about." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's like, a girl says she'll make out with you, but then her boyfriend is waiting around the corner with a pee-filled balloon." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We can't help you if you don't just tell us what happened." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I got hit in the face with a pee-filled water balloon, Pam, ok? I don't know how they did it. They filled the balloon with pee. A funnel? I don't know. Is that clear enough for you?" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey, Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Jim slams lunchbag on table] I just totally blew a sales call." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Bro, I do that all the time." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, well, with you it's different, okay? Cause I just- I just suck. I just- I suck!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Tuna, be nice to my friend Jim, ok?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Why? When I look in the mirror, I don't like the face that looks back." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well, so what? Your body's a ten." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Forget it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I said forget it. [drop kicks lunch across room, stomps on it]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[on phone] Dwight Schrute." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hello, traitor." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I think you have the wrong number, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I want you to listen to me, friend, and I want you to listen to me good. I am going to come at you, and I am going to come at you hard. I am going to steal all of your clients, and then I am going to kill them in front of you." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm just getting hardcore with him." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Finally." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, and hear me, Dwight, when I say I brought you into this world, and I can take you out. [hangs up] Bill Cosby." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[on phone] Mr. Schofield, please?" }, { "character": "Secretary", "line": "He's in a meeting." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Dammit! [hangs up]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[on phone] Is Mr. Schofield there?" }, { "character": "Automated phone voice", "line": "If you'd like to reach an outside line, please dial nine first. [Michael sighs, hangs up phone]" } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "So, you think Michael's going after the whale, huh?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I have a long term relationship with Harper Collins publishers and Mr. Schofield. I'm not worried." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "You sound worried." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And you have bad skin. Oh, look everyone, we're all making observations! [gibberish sounds]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[on phone] Well, if you could do me a big favor and tell Mr. Schofield that Michael Scott has tickets to the Wilkes-Barre Penguins game this weekend, and if he would like to join me... Hello, Daniel. How are you? Uh-huh. I sure do. Yes. [referencing rolodex card] Wanted to ask, did Kathy ever make JV?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Look at that old dude and his rolodex go." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I spent a month putting that rolodex on his Blackberry, which he now uses as a nightlight." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wow. High score?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And no, I cannot lower my current prices. [phone rings] Hold on. Hello? Mr. Schofield, thank you so much for taking the time to talk. I wanted to discuss your contract with us- oh, you're considering him. I thought Michael Scott left the paper business after his nervous breakdown." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael has been talking to my biggest client. Master and apprentice pitted against one another for the fate of the greater Scranton area paper market. So it's not exactly like 'Highlander,' but still..." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hello, Dwight, I've been expecting your call. What do you want?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I would like to arrange a truce." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So you heard Schofield is considering a switch, and you want mercy?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Meet me in our spot in four minutes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. No. You think I am going to fall for that? There's no-" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Meet- Ok, go to the spot and then walk 100 feet." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "In which direction?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Toward the sun." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "At what time?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Noon." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You have two seconds. [Dwight starts running]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[looking at his watch] Michael. [Madge walks by] Sorry." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I hope you're not recording this conversation. [Dwight drops his pants and lifts up his shirt] Good. I cannot believe that you sided with Charles." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You were making me do things that were not all right." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So you just rat me out? You could have said no." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And not come through for you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "If you want a truce, I will give you a truce." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I want a truce." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I do too." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Let me take you and your whole company out for lunch at Alfredo's." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Cooper's." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I had fish yesterday." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Damn it." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Michael, Ryan and Pam sitting at restaurant, phone rings] Oh. Dwight-elicious. Where you at?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, hi, Michael. I'm so sorry I'm late. I got stuck in traffic." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really? That's weird. We didn't see any." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I hit a bear." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "He's technically fine. I imagine the true horror will be when he wakes up in a zoo. [throws a fish into the vent at Michael's office] Hey, listen, will you do me a favor and order the meatball parm for me, with extra cheese?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, sure." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ok, I will see you very soon, alright? [takes all the items off Michael's desk and puts them into briefcase, including rolodex]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, see you in a bit. Dwight hit a bear. He'll be here in a sec." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[Pam, Ryan and Michael enter office] Sounds neat." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "We can spend a couple days there." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh my God, I think we've been robbed!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Michael answers phone] Yeah." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Did you enjoy your lunch?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight, not now, we've been robbed." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, Michael, you were sabotaged." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, Dwight, we were robbed. How would you even know? You're still stuck in traffic. [Pam holds up sign saying \"Dwight did it!!\"] You?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What about our truce?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I broke it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "On purpose?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You think this is some kind of game? No, this is a war, and I will not stop, I will not rest. You have no idea what kind of enemy you've created. You have unleashed the wolf!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Be that as it may, I have your meatball parm sandwich here, and I am going to eat it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And I knew that you would do that. The meatball parm is their worst sandwich!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh. [bites into sandwich, looks disgusted] Bastard!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hi there. Dwight Schrute here. I was just calling to see if Michael Scott Paper was meeting all of your paper needs, and how is [reading off rolodex card] Brenda, age four, ponytail, and Simon, age 7? Oh, you don't say." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[holding up rolodex card] Schrute comma Dwight. And on the back he wrote, \"great salesman, better friend.\" [turns card over] \"Tall\" and \"beets.\"" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And say hello to Cheri, who is your black wife. [hangs up and answers cell phone] I see you're begging for mercy, huh? Well, you will find none here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight, do you mind if we talk?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Sure. That'd be fine." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "If you keep coming after us, the Michael Scott Paper Company cannot succeed." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "This is war and that is what happens." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, one more thing. I'm going to have you listen while I steal your biggest client." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, no. No. No. No. No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, uh oh, I'm turning you down right now." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael! Michael!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You can hear me, but I can't hear you." }, { "character": "Secretary", "line": "Mr. Schofield's ready to see you now, Mr. Scott." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, great. Mr. Schofield's ready to see me. Thank you so much." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Don't let him in! He's a traitor! Michael!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Walking in the door..." }, { "character": "Mr. Schofield", "line": "Michael, good to see you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mr. Schofield, good to see you. And I'm closing the door. [Dwight runs out of the office]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[on speakerphone in Dwight's car] Now, when Dwight tells you that he will keep prices steady for a year, I think he is speaking out of turn." }, { "character": "Mr. Schofield", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes. He does not have the authority to say that. I, on the other hand, am the president, the owner, and the founder. It is like you are buying software from Bill Gates." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Are you saying you invented paper?" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[hugging a crying Jim] Okay, okay." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, God." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Okay, Tuna." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Hey, guys." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hello." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Excuse me, can I have your attention, everyone? Here's the deal, everybody, Jim Halpert is very upset and disturbed. I don't know if it was something you did, something you said, a look you gave him, maybe it was nothing at all, but here's the deal, ok? It stops now." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I guess I could be nicer." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Andy, I think Jim is messing with you." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, really?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Mm-hmm. [looks over to Jim smiling through windows to the kitchen]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, okay, what the heck is happennin' here?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Two things I need you to understand. One, Pam and I are very happy together." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Uh, that's not what was-" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And two, that stuff that happened with you and Angela is a bummer, and I know you don't think you're ever gonna find someone else, but you will. I promise you, you will." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh man, he got me so good. I learned something about myself today. Yeah. I wish this was a sofa, cause I feel like I could sit here and talk for hours." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "What is that thing that Dwight always says? Paper is the soil in which the seeds of business grow?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's not the soil! It's the manure! Paper is the manure! On-time delivery is the soil! Aah! [runs into office]" }, { "character": "Secretary", "line": "Uh, hello, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Spin move." }, { "character": "Secretary", "line": "Oh-" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ha ha! April 13th, 2002." }, { "character": "Mr. Schofield", "line": "Dwight, I'm in a meeting." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's very rude." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I barge because I care. April 13th, 2002, that is the date when you tried to switch paper providers for an obscure sociology textbook, but were hung out to dry when the price of glossy stock increased." }, { "character": "Mr. Schofield", "line": "Maybe we should schedule a meeting on our-" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "La la la! Continuing. Notice my persistence and recall. Continuing! You called Dunder Mifflin, and your order was filled within an hour!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm going to pull a date out of the air right now. April 13th, 2002. That is the last day that you evaluated your paper needs. Is it not? We all know that the economy is bad, and bloated companies like Dunder Mifflin..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Come on." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Are going to fall by the wayside. Two of their branches have closed within the last year. The Michael Scott Paper Company, however, has opened a new branch this very month." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What he's not telling you is that he will abandon you." }, { "character": "Mr. Schofield", "line": "Why don't you guys just e-mail me your best offers and we can finish it up that way?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That sounds like a fantastic idea. I will see you this weekend for the Penguins. Box seats as usual." }, { "character": "Mr. Schofield", "line": "Uh, ok, sure." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good, good, good. I will see you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thank you, Mr. Schofield, for your time. Much appreciated. Oh, and tell me, um, how's your gay son?" }, { "character": "Mr. Schofield", "line": "Excuse me?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I color code all my info. I wrote \"gay son\" in green. Green means go, so I know to go ahead and shut up about it. Orange means \"Orange you glad you didn't bring it up?\" Most colors mean \"Don't say it.\"" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "How is Tom, the homosexual sophomore?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I wanted to start a company, not a war. Because in a war, you always fight those you are closest to. And the great tragedy of the civil war is that brother fought against brother. For what? What purpose did that serve? Apart from abolishing slavery? In that case, war was the right choice. This doesn't feel as important though. That's just how the world works, I guess." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan & Michael & Pam", "line": "[Muffled speech, all have mouths stuffed with cheese puffs]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Answers the phone and talks with mouth full]" } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "He gives me leads and I take the leads from him and in exchange it makes him feel good. And if a friend can't make you feel good, then I don't want any friends. Except Dwight, because he is our only source of fertile leads." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight just got Howard Family Dry Cleaners." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Uncle Dave?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "He's undercutting us big time. He's actually taking a loss and paying the difference out of pocket." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "That's my family. When you mess with my family, I can't be responsible for my actions." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "When are you ever responsible for your actions?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Get off my ass, you hag." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, hey, hey. Something about that seems inappropriate." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Betrayal ain't just a river in Egypt." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Who is that knocking on my taste buds? Why, it's Mr. Lemon. Hmmm, nice to meet you." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's good. But won't it feel weird cutting into a cross?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Don't think of it as a cross in the Judeo-Christian sense, think of it more as a symbol of your lives crossing in marriage." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "When I think of it like that, I do not think of the other connotations." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yes!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't think so, Andy." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Sorry. Her day." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey, bud." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Are they looking at me?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Who?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Everyone. Everyone just keeps looking at me." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Are you sure?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Will you just talk to them, please? Pam just knew!" } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's 4:30 in the morning. Do you know where your kids are? If you are Ryan's parents or Pam's parents or my parents, you do. They're gonna be in this van. With me. Who am I? Nothing to fear. I am just a 44 year old guy with a paper route." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[honking horn] Time to make the donuts. [laughs and drives away as Ryan tries to get in the van] Come on. Whoa! No, I promise I won't do it again. Come on. [does it again] De-nied!" } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "We've been making 5:00 AM deliveries for a couple weeks now. Ever since I've gotten clean there's something about fresh morning air that... just really makes me sick." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hello! Time to make the donuts! Oh, Halpert! Whoa! Boner patrol. Arrest that man! Your donuts make me go nuts! [laughs] Hey Pam." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "We got the van at a used car lot. We think it says \"Alleluia Church of Scranton.\" in Korean. It was either this or an old school bus with an owl living in it." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "You didn't happen to bring any coffee, did you, Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Milk and sugar." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, awesome. You're a life saver. [drinks from coffee cup] Wait, is this just milk and sugar?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's what I said." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Do you drink this every day?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Every morning." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "We're, uh, we're doing okay. A couple weeks in and, um, we're having fun. Uh, yep. We have 20-- of those." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[an Asian lady tries to enter the van] Oh, oh, excuse me! Sorry. Sorry, no. It's, uh, it's a paper company now. It's not for the church." } ], [ { "character": "Charles", "line": "Okay, who covers Bans Pet Grooming?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, they're my client." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "No, they were your client. They just called and told us they're switching over to Michael Scott Paper Company." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[sighs] Shame, Jim. I expected more." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "In the last month we have lost ten major clients to Michael Scott." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "What are we supposed to do? They keep undercutting us on price." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "I don't want to hear excuses. I want to see improvements. This is unacceptable." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey, Boss. Uh, I'd just like to point out that I have been here less time than these guys." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Why are you telling me this?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I just think the bar should be lower for a newbie." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Is this something you really want to have said?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I don't want to have said that. But I think it's important that you know it." } ], [ { "character": "Charles", "line": "I don't know what to do to inspire these people. Okay, maybe it's my fault-" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's not your fault. Some people just don't want to be inspired." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "I wrote a memo to all departments asking them to find ways to save money but, uh--" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Charles, I got your memo. Thank you. I want you to know I'm putting my foot down when it comes to expense reports. Waste not, want not." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Uh, well said, Angela." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Been there, done that." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what we need? We need some couches in here." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Michael, we should really consider getting a delivery guy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, you know what you would love? Is if we built a loft." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Why would I love that? Can we afford a delivery guy?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Like in a dorm room. You put your desk underneath, you have your loft up top. You can sleep up top." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, I know what a loft is." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Most dorm rooms don't even have that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Most do in the magazines." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Let's see what a delivery guy costs." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We should look into that. Or we just go for the loft." } ], [ { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Would you let Charles know that David is here, please? Jim, hey." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, David." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "David Wallace! Hello, we've been expecting you, David Wallace. Charles and I were waiting for you." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "There he is. There he is. How was the trip up?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "A lot better than a month at the Scranton Radisson, I'm sure." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Oh, you know it hasn't been that bad. Hasn't been that bad. These people are the salt of the earth down here. You couldn't ask for a better way to learn a company." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Hmmm." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "I feel like I should be thanking you." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Uh." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[makes kissing, puckering sound]" } ], [ { "character": "Charles", "line": "The conference room is ready if we want to get started." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "You know, I just want to address everyone first." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Oh yeah, take your time. Stanley, pay attention." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Hi, everyone." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Hi. Uh, look it's no secret--" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Hello. Uh, it is no secret that Michael Scott Paper has siphoned off a large chunk of our core business. And I'm here-- I just want to assure everyone that we think this is just a temporary setback." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Right." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Okay?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Maybe, and I don't know, if you had just returned Michael's call none of us would've lost clients." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "I've been wondering that myself lately. We're just gonna get started, we're gonna figure this out. Rest assured. Jim, can you come in with us please?" }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Uh, Jim hold on. [whispers] You know, David, uh, Dwight's been my guy. Okay?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Hmm." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Yeah, Jim--" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "I find that extraordinarily surprising." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "He shows promise and Jim, I don't know-- I-- he's been a disappointment." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "We'll bring them both in." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Okay, great. Uh, Dwight come on in. Also, Jim." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Come along, afterthought." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "How much can we afford to pay a delivery guy?" }, { "character": "Financial Guy", "line": "Well, if these numbers you gave me are correct--" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "They are correct, sir." }, { "character": "Financial Guy", "line": "Then you can't afford to pay him anything." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. A lame attempt at humor. Swing and a miss." }, { "character": "Financial Guy", "line": "Your prices are too low." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Lowest in town." }, { "character": "Financial Guy", "line": "Why do you think Staples and Dunder Mifflin can't match your prices?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Corporate greed?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Look, our price model is fine. I reviewed the numbers myself. Over time with enough volume, we become profitable." }, { "character": "Financial Guy", "line": "Yeah, with a fixed cost pricing model that's correct." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Financial Guy", "line": "But you need to use a variable cost pricing model." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, sure. Right, so-- why don't you explain what that is to-- so that they can under-- just explain what that is." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Explain what you think that is." }, { "character": "Financial Guy", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Explain that." }, { "character": "Financial Guy", "line": "As you sell more paper and your company grows, so will your costs. For example, delivery man, health care..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, we don't--" }, { "character": "Financial Guy", "line": "...business expansion--" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Whatever, yeah." }, { "character": "Financial Guy", "line": "At these prices, the more paper you sell, the less money you'll make." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Our prices are the only thing keeping us in business." }, { "character": "Financial Guy", "line": "They're actually putting you out of business." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, okay. Hold on, hold on. Ty, I would like you to crunch those numbers again." }, { "character": "Ty", "line": "It's a program. There's no such thing--" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just crunch 'em. Just crunch 'em please." }, { "character": "Ty", "line": "[presses key on computer] Crunch." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Did it help?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hi, Jerry. Michael Scott. Well, this is slightly embarrassing. [laughs] Um, I'm going to have to... ask you to pay me a little bit more money for that delivery we dropped off yesterday. Yeah. We did. We got the check, but we're just going to need a much, much bigger check." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "When a child gets behind the wheel of a car and runs into a tree, You don't blame the child. He didn't know any better. You blame the 30-year-old woman who got in the passenger seat and said, \"Drive, kid. I trust you.\"" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Now, would corporate approve a temporary price reduction for returning customers?" }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "God, no." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Stupid. Yeah, makes us look weak." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "I agree." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I say we fill Michael's office with bees. My apiarist owes me a favor." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Really? Does he do good work or--" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[scoffs] No, Jim. I use a bad apiarist. [sighs]" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Fellas, why don't we take a five-minute break and then we will come back, start fresh, sort this out." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Five minutes exactly." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Okay. Hey, Dwight. Can I talk to you?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Sure thing." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[opens phone] Hey. I saw you called." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "You're just out of business?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We have maybe a month. I don't know what I'm gonna do." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, yeah, well don't worry about it. We'll figure it out. We'll be okay." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That's what Michael said." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, yeah. Only this time we will be okay. [cell phone rings; Dwight's voice saying \"Idiot, Idiot, Idiot\"] Oh, that's my new \"Dwight\" ring." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I like it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Good, right? Hello." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[over phone] Idiot, we're starting back up. This is Dwight, by the way." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, okay. [kisses Pam] Don't worry about it." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Did I ever tell you about the day that Steve Martin died?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Steve Martin's not dead, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know. But I always thought that the day that he died would be the worst day of my life. I was wrong. It's this." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You want to hear something sad?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I would love that." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "So Jim and I are getting married and the wedding's really expensive. So I tried to get a job on the weekends to earn extra money. I applied to Old Navy, Target and Wal-mart. None of 'em called me back. Not even for an interview." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I never went to Thailand." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I went to Fort Lauderdale." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Was it nice?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah, it was amazing. There was a great Pad Thai place, though." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I love Pad Thai." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "You've never had Pad Thai." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. There's a lot I haven't done." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Now, this is the projection over three months?" }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "We still have the inventory sitting-- [everyone starts chattering at once]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Let me float something out there, okay? Can I just say-- can I say something?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Yeah, yeah." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "There is a hive of bees outside the front door. We kidnap the queen, extract her alarm pheromones, place them on a flushable wipe, put that in his bathroom." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "I can't believe I'm about to say this, but the cheapest option... is to make Michael an offer." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Yes. Yes, I was gonna say the same thing. We should buy him out." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, but you didn't." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, Man! If only Michael had children. That's how you really apply the pressure." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "What is wrong with you?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Jim, you're-- you're pretty close with him. You think they'd be up for hearing an offer?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, I don't know. You know, they've taken a good deal of clients, so--" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I mean I guess-- I guess I could go down there and try to nudge them in the right direction." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You know what? Why don't I do it, okay? Michael adores me. I'm the man for this job. Charles, you got my back on this?" }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "No, Jim... I think you should go." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, so I'll be back in, um-- back in a bit." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[knocking on door] Hmm?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, can I talk to you guys for a second?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We're not hiring, Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Actually here for something else." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Listen, I can't make you laugh right now." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know I love a good guessing game, but why don't I just tell you what I'm here for? Turns out you guys have made a pretty big dent in the Dunder Mifflin sales." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Oh, that's nice." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "David Wallace has asked me to come down here and see if you would be interested in Dunder Mifflin buying you out." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Seriously? Are you being serious?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "He's bluffing, Pam." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jim, what you don't understand is that this company's worthl--" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No-- We don't have--" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh! See I'm here to learn as little information as possible. All I really need to hear is if your incredibly successful company would be receptive to a buyout." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[stammers] Uh... Yes." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Maybe." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Three yeses. I will see you titans of industry upstairs." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, well, we're not only tight-ends, we are also quarterbacks." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Missed the last part." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's a pun." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Got it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yep. Oh... wow." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Okay, so you are not going to reveal in any way that we're broke." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Of course not." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "That we're having any problem at all." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nope, nope, nope." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Just to reiterate, none of us is going to say anything that might indicate that we are going broke." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Right, right. There is no way in hell that I am going to say that we're broke." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, I'm really worried that I'm going to say it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ah..." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "No, man. You're-- you're fine." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We have to come from a position of strength." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm good, I'm good." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Just put it out of your mind." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It is. I'm good." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hello." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Michael Scott Paper Company to see Mr. David Wallace. I believe we're expected. [David and Charles walk out of conference room] Well, well, well. How the turntables..." } ], [ { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Michael, in order to expedite these negotiations, we are prepared to make you a very generous offer." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And we are prepared to reject that offer." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Michael, you haven't even heard--" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Never accept their first offer. What is your second offer?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "$12,000." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Are you kidding me? That is insultingly low. I don't even want to hear what your first offer was." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "What do you hear?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[mumbles]" } ], [ { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Here's the situation. Your company is four weeks old. I know this business. I know what suppliers are charging. I know you can't be making very much money. I don't know how your prices are so low, but I know it can't keep up that way. I'm sure you're scared. Probably in debt. This is the best offer you're gonna get." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'll see your situation and I'll raise you a situation. Your company is losing clients left and right. You have a stockholder meeting coming up and you're going to have to explain to them why your most profitable branch is bleeding. So they may be looking for a little change in the CFO. So I don't think I need to wait out Dunder Mifflin. I think I just have to wait out you." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Okay, now I don't know that I can get this. I do have to go to the board for approval. How's about $60,000. Hmm? $60,0000. Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[stutters] We'll have to talk--" }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "We'll have to talk about this." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Mm-hmm." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just amongst ourselves." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Okay, yes. Please take the room. Be right outside. Take your time." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, my God. Oh, my God." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "$60,000." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We are so rich." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Are you kidding me?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, Jerry, the one who got away. May I ask why you're leaving the Michael Scott Paper Company? Really? Please hold. [gets up and runs to kitchen] Charles." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "May I have your attention? The Michael Scott Paper Company is broke." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "What? How'd you hear that?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "They've been calling all of their clients and begging them to pay more money. That can only mean one thing. They're desperate. Which can only mean one thing. They're total failures." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Great work Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Quiet you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, I mean, great detective work. 'Cause this must be the first case you've ever cracked, right?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You don't crack a case. That has pejorative connotation. That's like calling a policeman a cop. You solve a case, and yes, I've solved plenty." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "So how long can they stay viable?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What are your top five cases?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm gonna answer Charles first." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Because you've solved zero cases." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, one. Case of the beet bandit. Missing beets from all over the farm. No footprints. Inside job. Mose in socks. Boom, case closed." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Okay, do not go anywhere near the conference room." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Done." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Because you have embarrassed me for the last time today. Got it?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm not-- I'm not following you." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "You two are morons." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Got it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wh--" }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Get out." } ], [ { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "So you've thought it over, yes, and you accept our offer. We can finally put this whole thing behind us? Hmm?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Can you give us another minute please?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Oh, okay." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "How could you do this to me, Michael? You just cost me $60,000." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Why are you assuming you'd get the whole thing?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's a lot of money, okay. But we need money coming in every week. We need jobs. Wouldn't you rather have a fishing pole than a fish?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I would rather have $60,000, honestly." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, Michael's right. Jobs are safer." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Agreed?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Agreed. But that's all, okay." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah, discuss these things--" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Shut up, shut up. Hello?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I want my old job back. I want my old parking space back. I want a Sebring." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "They don't make them anymore." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And I want Charles gone." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "I am not firing Charles. He is very valuable." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "That's very kind of you to say, David." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I need him gone." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, then I want Pam back." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Uh, you already have a new receptionist--" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sales." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Pam's not a salesperson." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, she is. At the Michael Scott Paper Company in it's heyday." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That's right." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Okay. Please continue." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And Ryan." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Ryan cost Dunder Mifflin hundreds of thousands of dollars, Michael. Ryan is--" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know, David. I don't care if Ryan murdered his entire family he is like a son to me." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Do you realize what you're asking for here? You're talking about salary plus health benefits--" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And dental this time." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Insurance, taxes, social security for three people. This is a heck of a lot more than 60 grand. You're talking about a multi-million dollar buy-out." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "These are our demands." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Your company cannot be worth that much." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Our company is worth nothing. That's the difference between you and I. Business isn't about money to me, David. If tomorrow my company goes under, I will just start another paper company. And then another and another and another. I have no shortage of company names." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Michael--" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's one of 'em! Yes. These are our demands. This is what we want. Our balls are in your court." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Okay. Deal. Okay?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Can we have the room please?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Yeah. [David and Charles leave room, Michael shuts the door and closes the blinds]" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yes, yes, yes!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Alright!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes! Can you believe it? That's what I'm talking about!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "There are certain defining moments in a person's life. The day he is born. The day he grows hair. The day he starts a business. And the day he sells that business back to Dunder Mifflin. What have I learned from all of this? It is far too early to tell. I just know that I am flying high and I don't even want to think about it. I just want to enjoy it." } ], [ { "character": "Charles", "line": "Hey, guys--" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no. You're done." } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "At least once a year, I like to bring in some of my Kevin's Famous Chili. The trick is to undercook the onions. Everybody is going to get to know each other in the pot. I'm serious about this stuff. I'm up the night before pressing garlic and dicing whole tomatoes. I toast my own Ancho chilies. It's a recipe passed down from Malone's for generations. It's probably the thing I do best." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Someone is returning! He started his own company, and now he's back. Who could it be? I'll give you a hint. He is a man. A man you have missed with all your heart. A man who has ruined all other men for you. Who is it?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[whispering] Who is it?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[whispering] Who is it?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[whispering] It's Michael Scott. [applause; Michael jumps through sign] Hold it up. Conference room, five minutes." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, I guess the first order of business is to welcome back me, and Pam and Ryan. [scattered applause] And how about casual Friday again, huh? Reinstituting casual Friday? You all look great. What I want to do right now is try something a little different. I'm going to throw it out there, starting with this meeting. I want you guys to run it. I want you to say whatever you want, take it away. Your meeting." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[after a few moments of silence] Wh--what are you doing?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "If there is something that you would like to say as a group, then by all means, you may say it to me right now." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "People are dressed inappropriately." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Take it up with Toby. What I want you to do, is I want you to look inward. And I want you to reflect. And I want you to say something different." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Can you give us a hint?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "When I needed salespeople for my new paper company, everyone here turned their back on me. Am I going to ask them to beg for forgiveness? No. Am I going to ask for big, crying apology? No. Am I going to ask them to slit their wrists for me? No. I just want a tiny, microscopic version of that." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oscar, what were you going to say?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Nothing. I didn't say anything." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Do I still have a job here?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Not important. [everyone mutters] Okay, alright. Yes. Yes, you have a job. Frankly, you have a job because Ryan and Pam are starting with us as salesmen." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wait, what?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "How is that going to work?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's going to work very smoothly, because Pam and Ryan are bringing over a ton of clients from Michael Scott Paper Company and--" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "You mean the clients you stole from us." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah , aren't we getting those clients back?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, you lost those clients." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I call foul, sir." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You were bought out. So the company then bought out all of the stolen clients." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, Dwight. Let me explain something to you. I set the rules and you follow them. Blindly. Okay? And if you have a problem with that then you can talk to our complaint department. It's a trash can." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "[to Ryan] Don't fall in love with me, kid." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[laughs] Boscov's at the Steamtown Mall?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "It sure looked good on the mannequin." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, you have good taste." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Well, thanks. I sure wish I had more time to talk to my clients, though." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Isn't that what you said to a bunch of my clients when you were stealing them? That I didn't have enough time for them?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, I, um..." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Close your mouth, sweetie. You look like a trout." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "The man is wearing sandals. I don't need to see Oscar's toes at work. Gross! I mean he looks like he just got off the boat." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Can't you just not look at his feet?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Excuse me? Oh. You're so educated, aren't you Toby? So trained to deal with a hysterical woman. I don't want to look at his feet. [storms off] Do your job!" } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Well, I was in the Seminary for a year and dropped out 'cause I wanted to have sex with this girl, Cathy. Followed her to Scranton. Took the first job I could find in H.R. Later she divorced me. So no, I wouldn't say I have a passion for H.R." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[hands Ryan a soda] There you are, my friend." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Oh, thanks, man." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pamela." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thank, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yep." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Fresh hot ink." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "\"New File System\"." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Trust me, Stanley, you're going to want to read this memo very carefully." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I am not changing the way I do my files." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, no. This goes for all of you. Believe me, you are going to want to heat my words." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "When held over heat the invisible ink will reveal that everyone should meet at the warehouse immediately. Do not ask me where I got the invisible ink. Urine. It was urine." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I'm sorry you're offended by my shoes, but I am not going to drive home to change." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I could loan you a pair of socks." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "No, they're clean. I was going to wear them to volleyball practice later." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I don't think so." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Andrew Bernard." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, what are you still doing at your desk?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What are you still doing not at your desk?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Did you even read the memo?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "All my files are now in reverse alphabetical order--" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, you idiot. There is a code embedded in the memo. Listen, you need to round up all the salesmen, except for Ryan and Pam, and get them down to the warehouse pronto." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, it is on like a prawn who yawns at dawn." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Stop doing rhyming poetry. Just tell them, please. God, the simplest thing." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "We're in crisis mode here, do you understand? The two unqualified so-called salespeople are being favored because they all failed together. And frankly, I'm not convinced that Michael and Pam didn't have a thing going while they were gone." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Can I address that?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, you're too close." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Stanley, how do you feel about those two taking your clients?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "It's not right. I don't like it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "He doesn't like it." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "You don't take my clients away and give them to a secretary. [sighs] No offense, Jim. I think she's very pretty." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Her face is okay, but-- Jesus! What --what are you doing here?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I don't know. I saw a crowd. I thought there might be a dogfight or something--" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Get out! We need to do something. I'm thinking maybe a coup or we take Ryan hostage." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Those sound too harsh." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, I'm not saying we do those things. I'm saying something like those things." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Of course. What is like a hostage?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Excellent question." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "We could write a strong-worded letter." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Words will never be enough." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Strongly-painted picture." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, pictures are too interpretive." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Can I just say something? I know that tempers are high, but I think the best way to handle this might be to just talk to Michael directly." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh. Well, that--that's a great idea, Jim. Oh, I totally see your point. Okay, we'll talk to Michael directly. So uh, meeting is over, I guess. I'll see everyone upstairs." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Great. See you upstairs." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "C'mon. [whispers] Guys. Psst, listen. Now is the time for action. I'm talking action--" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "That one's great." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "You look so classy in that picture." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I do? Well--Where is that bowl?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, you have a second?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Michael Scott Paper Company only." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, I think you're going to want to cool it with that 'cause it's starting to upset the other salesmen." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, well---" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Tough." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I will--no, no. I'll talk to them when they all get back from the bathroom." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "This is awkward to talk about, but there may or may not be--but definitely is--a mutiny forming in the warehouse right now." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Against who?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "You. Us." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "It's gotta be because they all want their clients." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "The old Michael Scott might have taken this, but not the new Michael Scott. They are in for a bitter surprise. I am not to be truffled with." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Six weeks ago, none of these people wanted to come with me. You two were the only ones with the stones to follow." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Mm-hmmm." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That was us, right there." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We were something else." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "What you gotta do is you gotta go down to that warehouse and you gotta crack some skulls." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mm-hmm." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Chiklis style." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, the Commish." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yes, but Chiklis Shield style. Not Commish style." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, yeah. The Shield." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "It's crazy what's going on out there today, huh?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I know. Yeah, it's...kinda--" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Sometimes it's best just to say out of it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's true. That's right. Yeah." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Want to play a game?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey gang. Where you been?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Lunch." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Where'd you eat?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "A restaurant." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What'd you have, Stanley?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I had a salmon salad. With water, no ice. I was going to get a soda, but the waiter talked me out of it. Her name was Flo, she had black hair." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I had Mexican food." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So since you guys already ate, you won't be eating the stuff you brought with you for lunch, will you? [walks into kitchen] Oh, wow, Stanley. Is that egg salad? Andy brought some salmon." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "That looks great." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight, is that a meat sandwich? You guys hungry?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I can eat." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm going to o have some of this meat sandwich." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's pony." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mom. What kind of sauce is on your salmon?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Dijonnaise." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mmm. Thanks for going out, guys." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Mmm." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Hey, Meredith. Can I talk to you privately for a second?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "About what?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Your outfit." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "What? What's wrong with my outfit?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "You--you might consider pulling it down a touch. It's ri--it's riding up a little high." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "A bunch of prudes. You know, Oscar's allowed to wear sandals, but I'm not allowed to wear open-toed shoes? [pulls down dress, office gasps] Is that how it goes?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Meredith, your boob is out." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Fine. [pulls dress up, everyone gasps again]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Meredith, too far!" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Dammit, Meredith, where are your panties?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "It's casual day. Happy? [bends over to get a file, exposing herself to the office]" } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "[playing chess with Jim] No. IF you do that, I'm gonna do that. IF you do that, I'm gonna do that. IF you do this, I'm gonna do that." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, what if I just do this?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "You don't want to do that." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm just hiding out until all this stuff blows over. With Creed. Playing chess. At work. He's winning. I feel like I'm describing a dream I had." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I'm sorry you feel that way, Mr. Bart. Is there anything I can do to make things better?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Give me the phone. Give me the phone." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Exactly." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's my client." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Exactly. This is your first complaint in ten years." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Give me the phone." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Things have been generally good." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Give me the phone. Tell him Dwight Schrute wants to talk to him." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Look, uh, Mr. Bart..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hi, Mr. Bart." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "At these prices with this service..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey, it's Dwight here. Give me the phone." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "You're not gonna find this anywhere else." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Dwight Schrute here. Hey, don't hang up." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "No, no, no. Sir, don't listen." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I know times are tough right now, and I laud your thriftiness. [tries to pull phone out of Ryan's hand] Ryan!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Ryan, hand the phone over." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Stop flustering me, everybody!" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Who let this boy on the phone?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ah! Mr. Bart! Ugh! [slams phone down[ I cannot believe you lost that account. He was my client for ten years!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You made him lose the account by screaming at him the entire time. It's okay, Ryan." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You're a secretary! What do you know?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And you're a temp and I'm taking your phone. I'm confiscating this." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, hey guys. You know what I want you to do? Shake hands, get over it. That was not a shake, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "We want our clients back or we quit, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Who quits?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Me." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "And me." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Me too." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You guys gotta be kidding." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, we gotta be deadly serious. We'll start our own paper company. The Schrute-Bernard-Lapin-Vance...Stanley Paper Company." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I love it. I love this idea, and I fully support you. As a matter of fact, I'm going to give you some seed money. [throws money at Phyllis] There you go. There's some seed money for you. And you can take it, no hard feelings. But if you stay, I want an apology, and I want a big one." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "You want us to apologize to you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes I do." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That's completely backwards." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's frontward's." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Michael, you thought you were attacking corporate, but we were the ones who got hurt. You should be apologizing to us." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "That's right." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Right." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Michael, you always said we were a family. Then you went after us." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "No matter how I look at this, I am in the wrong. And I have looked at this thing, like a hundred different ways. From my point of view, from their point of view...98 others. And the bottom line, I am in the wrong. I'm the bad guy." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I need you to arrange a meeting between me and the sales staff without Ryan and Pam knowing." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Gasp. Are you talking about a secret meeting?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Whatever you guys did earlier." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I don't know that first things about secret meetings." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just do it, okay?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'll do--" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Get 'em there. Get 'em there." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'll do the best I can." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Are you kidding me?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Deceit does not come easy to me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, okay, okay." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "I really love your outfit." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Thank you so much for saying that. I can't believe that Toby thinks this is inappropriate." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "You look like J-Lo." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "So from the bottom of my heart to the top of my heart, I am sorry." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Are you giving us our clients back?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "If we could just focus and go down the line, and everyone would say, \"apology accepted\", I think we would all feel better. And then we can break out my gift to you--complimentary white chocolate bark." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Nobody likes that stuff except for you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "They wouldn't make it unless people liked it." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Michael, just give us our clients back. That's all we care about." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. If I give you your clients back there won't be enough clients for Ryan and Pam, and I promised both of them they were gonna be salespeople." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "So?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Fine, have your clients. I can see that's what you wanted all along. [everyone mutters \"okay\"] However, I rescind my apology." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's fair." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You are not reacting at all as I had hoped." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "What'd I tell you about building forts in my warehouse?" } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Michael gave all of our clients back to their old salespeople, so now there's not enough for both me and Pam to stay on." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "He can only keep one of us as a salesperson now. He'll make his decision by the end of the day." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I think you should get it. You really grew into it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh. I think you should get it. You've changed a lot and you'd be good at it." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "If you really think that, will you tell that to Michael? That would go a long way coming from you." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Thanks." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "So hey, I'm want to set you up with my daughter." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, I'm engaged to Pam." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "I thought you were gay." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Then why would you want to set me up with your daughter?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "I don't know." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jim. Can I talk to you for a minute?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Sure. Let me just finish this turn." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[puts Scrabble pieces on board] And Bingo was his name. Let's go." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Challenge." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I need your help. This whole Pam/Ryan debate is screwing with my head." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I don't want to be biased, but I am very close to Ryan. You know that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're close with Pam too." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Eh, she's nice, I guess. You know what? Best thing to do, Pros and Cons list." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pro for Ryan, he went to business school, he's my number one choice." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, that's--" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I like his hair." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Cons, Ryan. He defrauded the company. He has never made a sale." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "He definitely stole my iPod." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That sounds pretty biased." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You didn't hear my pros. Environmentally-conscious 'cause his mom drives him to work everyday." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. Pam, pros." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mm-hmm." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I like her. I think that she is a fast learner. Cons, she doesn't always follow through. Sh--New York and the whole art school thing. And Roy. She has a weird voice." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's not true." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't need to tell you that." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I think she'd be a really good salesperson." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't think you are being totally impartial though, because you haven't said one bad thing about Pam." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And I won't." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. So be it, then you've lost credibility. And I'm going to go with my guy, and that's Ryan." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right. You're right, sometimes when she's tired, she can be a little bit shrill. But that's not a weird voice." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, wow! Whoa!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Take it easy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ho-ho, man! Wow. [in a high-pitched voice] Honey! I want you to bring the garbage out. 'Cause I'm not going to have sex with you unless you bring out the garba--" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I have a very difficult decision to make. It's like last week I was at the video store. Do I rent Devil Wears Prada again? Or do I finally get around to seeing Sophie's Choice? It is what you would call a classic difficult decision." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "You don't understand clothing, Toby. You're dressed like this amorphous blob of khaki." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "All right, look, what you gotta understand is that when you come to work, you give up certain rights." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Listen up, Flenderson. You're being weak and ineffectual. I'm cowboying this meeting, okay? Here are the new rules. Earth tones only. Also, women are forbidden to wear pants." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "All right, come. Sit down, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I'm running this meeting." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's debatable." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "It's not. It's not. Sit down or I am writing you up." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Ooh, where has this guy been?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Casual Fridays are cancelled. [everyone protests] Let's just not do it anymore." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You're running from the problem." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "There's not a single appropriate outfit in this whole--except mine, quite honestly." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam, can you come in here, please? Have a seat. [clears throat] Well, there's no easy way of saying this. So I think I will just...drag it out. Since the dawn of time there has been--" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Just tell me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I gave Ryan the sales job. There just weren't enough clients for the two of you. So I had to--" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm sorry, sorry." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay, I get it. [Michael laughs] Why are you giggling? Is this a joke? [Michael continues to laugh] Michael, is this-- did I get the job?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[laughing] Yes, you did." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I did?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yep." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "For real, you're not kidding?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, you--no." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I did?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, you're the best person for the job. You're going to be great." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, Michael, thank you. Thank you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[laughing] Oh, oh!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thank you. You will not be sorry." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You should have seen your face. Oh man! Oh, that was classic." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh. [laughing] I really thought I didn't get it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, really?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah. 'Cause you said I didn't" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, man. That was really good. That was really good." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What about Ryan?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't know, I offered him his temp job back. We'll see. He was not happy at all when I offered him this job and then I told him he didn't get the job, so--" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah. Maybe you shouldn't fake fire people anymore." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't appreciate you telling me what to do. So clean out your desk, you are through here." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thanks, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh! What's our receptionists name?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Erin." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Could you send her in?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[opens door] Erin. Michael wants to see you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hello." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Have a seat." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "This is very difficult to say, but no one here like you in the office and we are going to have to let you go. [pick up phone] Hank, could you come up here please? Hank is our security guard--" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh, I can go." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "He will be ushering you out. [starts laughing]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, your face! Oh!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Is--do the people--" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I'm kidding. No, you're not--you're not fired. Yet." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh..." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Do they not like me, though?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't know, actually." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Okay." } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh my God! I can't believe it! I jut won an art contest! [Erin screams, Pam and Jim look at each other, Dwight, laughing, gets up and hands her some money]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[whispering] Thanks. I still don't understand why you wanted me to say that." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Shut up." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[laughs hysterically] I got her!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Not cool, Dwight. [Dwight continues laughing]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Not cool. [Dwight still laughing]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[caught by camera crew dancing to \"At the Car Wash\", but laughing] Oh, no. I still have the lease on the Michael Scott Paper Company, so occasionally I will sneak down here for a little coffee and dancing. I actually dance all the time. Tip-toeing around corporate - it is a ballet. When I am breaking all the rules, I am break dancing. And expresso." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Guys, I'm scared. I'm really scared. I think I'm growing into a giant. Because look at this normal sized coffee cup. Looks so tiny in my giant hand now. Anybody want to go to lunch with me later on?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I do." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. How about a woman? Pam?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, I can't do lunch. I was just sending you an email. Jim and I need to leave early today to meet with our contractor." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, really? Ok." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Just sent it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What about the rest of you? [complete silence]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "At Dunder-Mifflin there is a very strict no lunch with the boss policy and I don't know who instituted it. I think it started right after my predecessor stepped down, but at the Michael Scott Paper Company I really enjoyed having lunch with Pam and Ryan everyday. So, rules be damned, I wanna have lunch with these people." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Who else? Who else? Ryan?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I don't do lunch. I'm eating five small meals a day now." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Now that I'm back to doing the job of a temp, again, I find that food is one thing I can control." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok. Anyone? Anyone? At all? Accounting? I am accounting on you to go to lunch with me." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No. I don't want to stay late to have a two hour lunch." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Michael, we have a lot of work to do." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Work." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ugh! God! What happened to you people? [talking like a robot] We are just office drones. We are office drones. All we do is work... is work." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "If you don't take out his battery, he just keeps going all day." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, no. Your battery fell out." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[still talking like a robot] I... was just learning... to... love." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hi, guys. How you doing?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Erin, how many times do I have to tell you? It is not necessary for you to ask us how we are doing every time you interact with us." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Right. I'm sorry." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[sighs] Now, how can I help you?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Did somebody here leave a map in the printer to Youngstown, Ohio?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Attention, office. Who here is planning a trip to Youngstown, Ohio? I will take your silence to mean that you are all hiding something. This location is the Superior Court -" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "So someone is going to a court. Big deal." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It is a big deal. Cause there's only a handful of reasons why someone would ever go to a courthouse in Ohio and not be charged with a crime. To claim an inheritance from a deceased relative. To obtain a learner's permit at age 14 and a half instead of 15. Erin, let me see your birth certificate." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Sure." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "There are other reasons to go to Ohio." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We're getting married today." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "So, it turns out it's the closest place to get a marriage license without a 3 day waiting period." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Tell 'em how it happened." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok. So, we're going through all the wedding plans and, boy, it is complicated." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "And very expensive." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Very expensive. Cause you say you want a small wedding and that's great but then you have to invite -" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You can't leave anyone out." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No one." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ok, just get to the good part." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok. Right. Oh, so this morning we are having breakfast together and I just looked up from my cereal and I said, \" You know what I want to do today? I want to marry you.\"" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I had just woken up. I didn't look cute. That's how I knew he meant it." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Michael? Michael sorry to bother you. Are you going to be working down here? Do you want these down here now?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No work. No work. No work. I come in here to release frustration. Ooh. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ooh." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Well, I like to swim." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's good." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "You have a cool place to come hang." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "If you ever want to come down here, door's always open, lock's broken, so..." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Thanks." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Come on in. Hey, hey, hey. Here we go. Here we go. Yeah." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Wow." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Now you got it." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Now I do got it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Now you got it. Hey, you want some espresso?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh, yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You gotta keep yourself dehydrated." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "That's rule #1." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok. I love it. I love it." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Whew." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I love it." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Guys, I believe that I have figured out what is up your butts. There's no reason to be scared. The bad man is gone.Charles is gone." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Charles really did a number on these guys. They are way too focused on work. When I was in charge, this place was like Dave and Buster's People just hanging out, having, fun, eating apps. I don't know. It's like [pause] Dave died or something." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Daddy's here and daddy is going to take care of you." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Please don't refer to yourself as our daddy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am your big daddy and I am gonna kiss da boo boo." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[baby voice] Wittle Andy is afwaid." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Andy's afwaid?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Are you all afwaid?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Daddy's here for you. My wittle angels. Ok. I think that I have figured a way to get you guys out of your funk." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Funk is the problem and the solution." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That makes sense." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I've taken my downstairs office and I have turned it into a place to hang out. A place where unattractive and attractive people can get together. To meet. To greet. To see the ones that you love. To love the ones that you see." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Is this our punishment for not wanting to have lunch with you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why don't you get over lunch, Oscar? Everybody else is past it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[Jack Nicholson impression] All work and no play makes Michael a dull boy." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "This is like a haunted coffeehouse thing?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. Dwight is confusing you. That - it's, it's more of a disco." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It's like a haunted disco." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "... with coffee but without the haunted." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "It's a combo dance house coffee bar." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's a daytime disco on the ground floor of and industrial office building." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "It's a cafe disco." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Exactly." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "So, like, a disco cafe?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wha - No. No. Not even close. I can't force you to go down but I can entice you. I'm gonna be down there. Erin will be down there from time to time... and all-you-can-eat espresso." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, Kevin, I guess it is just me and you." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Holdin' down the fort." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah. This place is great." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oh, my God, Kevin. I am still on hold. You were supposed to get the answer from Michael and come back up." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I'm sorry." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "This is a no work zone. Please respect the lei." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah. Respect the lei." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Come." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Kevin, stay." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Kevin, come." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Kevin, stay." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Kevin, come." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Stay, stay." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Come on, right now." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Cookie. Kevin, cookie." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Ugh. There is no cookie, Kevin." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[to Michael] Is there a cookie?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mmm-hmm." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Wha -" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Come on." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Oh, for goodness sakes, Kevin. There's no cookie. There's no cookie. Come on. Come." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I wanted a cookie." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Completely unacceptable." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Now I know what the founders of Phillip-Morris felt like. you just want to give people a smooth, fun way to relax and suddenly you're just some terrible monster." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[Michael is holding the stereo speaker up to a vent - blaring \"[Gonna Make You Sweat] Everybody Dance Now\", spins in chair] Oww!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Aw, what the hell? [goes to Vance Refrigeration] Hi, Jessica. Is Bob in?" }, { "character": "Jessica", "line": "Oh, he's on a call." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh, I'll just duck my head in." }, { "character": "Jessica", "line": "It's pretty important. He wouldn't want to be disturbed. Can I give him a message before he gets off?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Tell him I'm going dancing downstairs in the storage closet between the bathrooms that used to be a utility shower and he should join me there." }, { "character": "Jessica", "line": "I'll let him know." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Mmm-hmm." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Phyllis?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Hey. I like." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[starts dancing with Phyllis] Alright. Back. There you are. There you go. Good. Good. Ooh. Show me some attitude." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh! Mother ******!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, God! No! No! No! No! No!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Back!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, wow! What did you do?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "[moans in pain]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You didn't do that. You're ok. You're ok. Let's lie down. You want to go down? Alright." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Wow! Sorry!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok. That's ok. That's not a problem. Ok, sweetie." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey! Hey, hey, hey! I got your text. Who's Phillip?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. No. No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Who tipped you over? Was it Phillip?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "It's my back." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's her back. We just - We need - Let's - You know what?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Call a doctor." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We're going to take care of you. We're gonna get you help. Let's - come on." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "No. Call Bob." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, no. No. No. This is no good." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah. Back injuries are common. Not as common as knee injuries but more common than wrist injuries." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't need you to give me a history lesson. Ok?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What do you think history is?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's just, we need to get her out of here because no one is going to want to go in there with a woman writhing around on the floor. Wait, wait, wait. But most importantly we need to get her some medical attention. ASAP. Stat." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[barging through office door] Alright. Here we go." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Out of the way! Move it or lose it!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You having fun?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh, my God! What happened?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What? Oh, just having to much fun. Phyllis, we're going to put you in here. Dwight's going to take care of you." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "What? No. I thought we were going to the hospital." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You want to get sick you go to the hospital." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok, Dwight. Ok. Good. I do not want anyone to worry." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What happened to Phyllis?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, you know. Nohting. She's - we were hanging out at Cafe Disco and she had a flare up of am existing injury. But she's a tough, old bird. So..." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Can you please go back to work instead of masterminding these situations were in we hurt ourselves?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok. Phyllis did injure herself. But she injured herself having fun and I don't think she would trade that memory for anything. [Phyllis can be heard screaming in the backgroud]" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I would like the memory of a day uninterrupted by this nonsense." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You all took a life here today. you did. The life of the party. Erin?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I want you to go downstairs and I want you to shut it down." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Like unplug the coffee machine and bring it up here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't care. Bury it. I hope you're happy." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[exits the conference room in an undershirt] I'm gonna need two able bodied men." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Cafe Disco? More like Crappe Disco." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "You're bad. [they turn off the lights and turn on music - start dancing]" }, { "character": "Vance Refrigeration Guy 1", "line": "There's girl in there." }, { "character": "Vance Refrigeration Guy 2", "line": "Where?" }, { "character": "VRG 1", "line": "The other room?" }, { "character": "VRG 2", "line": "What other room?" }, { "character": "VRG 1", "line": "Down the hall." }, { "character": "VRG 2", "line": "There's girls in there?" }, { "character": "VRG 1", "line": "What'd I just say?" }, { "character": "VRG 2", "line": "You have another sandwich?" }, { "character": "VRG 1", "line": "Forget the sandwich. Girls. Girls." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I guess they got what they want. I am eating alone. Might as well be dinner." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You comfy? Alright? Alright. Relax. Relax, ok?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Dwight! Dwight!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Come on. Relax. The shirt wasn't doing you any favors. If my assessment in correct, you grind your teeth?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I do." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No kidding! She sits three feet from me. It's the most annoying thing. [mimics grinding teeth] It's like children singing Christmas carols." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah! I love the vibe down here." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Ashley! You made it!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You invited someone?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh, yeah. Was I not allowed to do that?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I've been here 8 years and I've never... [Erin walks away] Rude." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'm not sure, but I'm pretty sure I'm in a dance off. Alright!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Cafe Disco is dead but I can still hear the music in my head." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "I hear it, too, Boss." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's better than I imagined it!" } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "That feels good, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Tell me where it hurts." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Right... mmmm... right there." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh yeah. you've got a knot in your crest. This remedy has been passed down in my family for generations. and it always works. My grandfather was told that Diamond Dancer would never race again. they were wrong. He came in 9th in the Apple Creek Derby and his jerky came in 3rd the following year. A majestic beast. So fast. So tender." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Welcome, welcome! Cafe Disco. I am Michael Scott." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hey, Angela! Welcome to -" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Stop!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Angela. Angela. Angela. May I interest you in a triple espresso or perhaps a dance?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No. I didn't come down here to get wet and wild. I just need you to sign these." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh. Alright. There you go." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No. You need to sign them all." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. No. No. Here is the deal - one signature for every song." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Look, I hate to be \"that\" person but I just don't like the general spirit of music." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know. I know, Angela. A lot of people doubted Cafe Disco at first but it is a magical place. You have to give it a chance. If these walls could tale they would say, \" This is a magical place! You are safe here. We have talking walls. We're not going to eat you.\" [Angela shows Michael the papers again] No." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "This is oil from the gland of an otter. It keeps their fur water resistant, as well as traps heat. Now I need you to lie still for an hour." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "An hour? I can't stay here an hour." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Whoa! Whoa, whoa, girl. Whoa. Whoa." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "Boss, this used to hang from my windshield but it belongs in here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, thank you, Creed. you're really getting this place." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "No problem. I'll just have no idea who's driving behind me now." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm gonna with the python." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "But the rattler's so scary." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No. Please. I find the rattle soothing. It puts me to sleep." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I think Bob is gonna cheat on me with his new secretary. [she starts to giggle]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What's so funny?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "When I say it out loud it's so silly. [they both laugh]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey! Hey! Angela, no! No cleaning up!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "You are forcing me to be down here. Am I not allowed to have some fun?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No... cleaning... up." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[waiting outside the bathroom for Pam, he is holding a hand-picked bouquet of flowers and pacing] These are for you." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "They're beautiful." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You ready?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "We should probably stop by. It'd mean a lot to him." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey! Hey! Jim and Pam! Can you believe this? It's really happening." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Wanna dance, Dwight?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ordinarily I would say no but you need to move to reduce lactic acid build-up. Also, this song is fantastic." }, { "character": "Bob Vance", "line": "Mind if I steal my wife?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You can't steal what is legally your property." }, { "character": "Bob Vance", "line": "Are those staples?" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "This dance competition is not over." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "What dance competition? I was just dancin' casual with my friends, y'all." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "You guys are the best for coming. You don't have to stay if you don't want to. I understand." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "We're gonna stay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah. At least for one more dance." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, no. Not me. Not me. Get out of here. Cafe Disco! [Dwight hits Michael in ear] Hey! Come on, man. It's not even to \"Y\"." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "This is so cheesy." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I like cheesy." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Me, too." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah. I think maybe I want a \"wedding\" wedding." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Me, too." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Would you like to dance?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No. [Camera pans to down to show her swinging her foot to the music]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah. No. Well, ok." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Stop squirming." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well, stop trying to poke me with a sharp thing." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "You wanted to do this. Just be brave." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I, I - but you're not a professional and I'm thinking maybe we should have gone to a professional." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I'm doing it. No. I'm doing it for free. You have to stop squirming otherwise I'm gonna mess up." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Are you sure that's not the \"gay\" ear?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Gay ear? Are you 12 years old?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well, I..." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Look, I'm gonna count to 3." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Count to twen - count to twenty." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "No. I'm gonna count to 3." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "K" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "1... 2... 3" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Agh! Son of a bitch!" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Andy, that was just the ice." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It was?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Yeah. It was." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Lynn", "line": "Hey, Kevin." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hi. Did you have bacon for breakfast?" }, { "character": "Lynn", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh...cause you smell like bacon." }, { "character": "Lynn", "line": "I didn't think I did. How's everything going?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Tight. I'm going down the hall to this office to see Michael - there's free espressos." }, { "character": "Lynn", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I would invite you but I remember that you just want to be friends." }, { "character": "Lynn", "line": "We can still..." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Are you sure that you didn't eat bacon?" }, { "character": "Lynn", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh. Whatever it is I like it. Bye." } ], [ { "character": "Lynn", "line": "Yes, I had some bacon this morning. I just didn't think it was anyone's business." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I love the smell of bacon on a woman." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hey, Lynn, it's Kevin. I was thinking about going and getting a coffee at the Cafe Disco, wondering if you want to go with. Bye. Angela, my stomach is really hurting." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Just go down, Kevin." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "My grandpa was the funnest guy I ever knew. He would sing. He would dance. He would....fall down. But then...he started going to these meetings and everything changed. He...stopped going out at night. He got a job. The fun just dried up. It was really sad. I don't want that to happen to you guys. I'm not gonna let it happen." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "How did I end up back in Crazytown?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It is hard to imagine you playing softball." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I was all-county my junior and senior years." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh yeah? Big deal. I once hit three home runs against Little Flower Catholic." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "The girls school?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I played high school softball. Notice I didn't say \"girls\" high school softball. Not after the landmark case of Shrute vs. the Lackawanna County Board of Education.That was one case the Pennsylvania Supreme Court got right. I hit the ball right over the protest banners." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[sarcastically] Oh, no. I love Ohio. Next time you're there say \"Hi\" to my cousin Amel and then kick him in the groin area because he's a cheat and a ball hog. And if he's still married to Clarissa, kick her in the groin area, too. 'Cause she's a heart breaking tart...and a ball hog." } ] ]

[ [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "[phone rings, whispering] Dunder Mifflin, this is Erin... He's not available right now... Uh huh... Yes... Sure, I'll give him the message when he gets up-- gets back." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Michael had chicken potpie for lunch. Actually, let me rephrase that, Michael had an entire chicken pot pie for lunch, and- let me be more specific. Michael ate an entire family-sized chicken potpie for lunch and then he promptly fell asleep, so we're all trying to be very quiet so as to not wake him up before 5:00 pm. Which, actually, should be in about... ten minutes." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[whispering] Okay, I'm gonna go in there and change the computer. Are you sure you can change his watch?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[whispering] I can do it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[whispering] What do you need from me?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Normally I don't condone leaving early, but I have an appointment with the horse doctor. How that horse became a doctor, I don't know. [laughs heartily] No, I'm kidding. He's just a regular doctor who shoots your horse in the head when its leg is broken." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[mumbles in his sleep as Pam and Jim change the clocks in his office]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[changing the clock in Michael's car] Like clockwork." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[silently counting] Three, two, one... [Erin turns on the office lights, all laugh loudly]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[wakes up, joins in with the laughter] Uh oh. What's so funny?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You had to be there." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh yay! Geography joke. [still laughing, notices the time] Oh! Wow! Okay. Alright, let's all go home. Come on. See you all tamale." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "See you later!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Bye Michael! [all applaud and cheer, Dwight imitates gunfire] Yeah!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[at company picnic] All right, you ready for this?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, we walk around, everyone sees our faces and we leave, right?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wait, should I have left the car running? [both laugh]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, don't get us wrong, we like picnics." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Come on, who doesn't like a picnic?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Tell them what happened last year." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I had this huge spider in my baseball mitt." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, no, that guy who hit on me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, right, some drunk guy hit on Pam last year. Said he was grabbing her for balance." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, you don't grab these [gestures to her chest] for balance." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well..." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm gonna say 30." }, { "character": "Rolph", "line": "Ah, 40. Insect repellent, which we clearly need, reduces the effectiveness of SPF." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Good point, but, thought of that already. Combination SPF/repellent." }, { "character": "Rolph", "line": "Woah. Homemade?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Of course. You think the EPA would ever allow that much DEET? [both laugh]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Rolph is my best friend. We met in a shoe store. I heard him asking for a shoe that could increase his speed and not leave any tracks." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Michael, isn't that Holly?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We're just friends. [approaches Holly and AJ] Hey, hey, wait a second. Who let you in here, is what I want to know." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Oh no, I see they're letting just anybody in here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mmhmm. Yeah, that's right." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right. Mmhmm. [both start laughing and hug] Hey." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Hi. You remember AJ, my boyfriend?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "A little bit. Uh, I meet a lot of people." }, { "character": "AJ", "line": "Hey Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey. [hugs AJ a little too forcefully] Arrggh. So would you guys like some lemonade? Or one of you? Or both of you? Either or. The combinations are endless." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Lemonade sounds great." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "AJ", "line": "I'd love an iced tea, actually." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You can go to hell. [laughs] I'm kidding. Um, sure, I will get you the best iced tea in the world." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I lied to Kevin. Holly and I can never be just friends. I wrote down a list of bullet points why Holly and I should be together, and I'm going to find the perfect moment today and I am going to tell her. Number one: \"Holly, you and I are soup snakes.\" The-and the reason is... because... in terms of the soup, we like to- that doesn't make any sense. We're soul mates. Holly and I are soul mates." } ], [ { "character": "Charles", "line": "Jim. Pam." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, how are you?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey Charles." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Nice day, huh?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Must be nice to get a rest from all your rest. [walks away]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I don't get it. He's not even my boss anymore." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Do you want me to beat him up for you?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, I shouldn't have to ask you to do stuff like that. You should just do it." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Listen up everyone! I've gone over this lineup very carefully. We cannot forget the humiliation we suffered last year at the softball game with Jim's whole spider-in-the-mitt incident. Right?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, I could've died, so... I looked it up online afterwards." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Erin, back row. Ryan, you move up a row!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Bro-migo, you think you could put Erin on my row?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Why? I don't understand." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "If-" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Woah, woah, woah. W-w-wait a minute. I get it. You want her to set you up so you can spike it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Uh... [laughs sheepishly]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'll tell you what, I'm gonna do you one better. I'm gonna put you next to Phyllis. She is the best setter on the team." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That's..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Sly dog." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "... not what I meant." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Come on, folks!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "What is up with you two, Holly?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Um, not much." }, { "character": "AJ", "line": "We're designing a house." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Cool. For who?" }, { "character": "AJ", "line": "For us." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wow... I'm designing a chair. It's part of your pants. You sit down, you're supported." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "I remember your chair pants idea. [laughs]" }, { "character": "AJ", "line": "I like that. Put me down for a pair. I'm a size 34 waist." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right, fatty. I will do it. You know what, we should actually rehearse." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Okay, yeah." }, { "character": "AJ", "line": "You guys are really gonna do this?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You bet your fat ass we are." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, in his infinite wisdom, David Wallace has authorized us to put on a little presentation about the history of Dunder Mifflin." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Yep, the old comedy team is back together again." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's right." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "[in a New York accent] Have ya hoyd the news? Extry! Extry! Read all about it!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Newspapers for sale!" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[playing volleyball, yelling at Erin, who hit the ball out of bounds] Are you blind?! Are you blind?! [turns attention to a man on the other team] Sir, with the glasses, are you literally blind? I'm concerned you might be in danger." }, { "character": "Man", "line": "These are expensive Ray-Bans, jackass." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Okay, I was just looking out for you. [to Erin] You're doing great, by the way." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Thanks." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[playing volleyball] I got it. [Kevin misses]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ohh! Oh, Kevin! Come on!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Are you blind?!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I could've gotten that, idiot!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Can you see things with your eyeballs?!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's not a sledgehammer! Come on, people! We need to get our heads in the game! Let's focus! Come on, you're better than this! I am better than this! Phyllis, why are you sitting on the ground?!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "We've been out here for a while. I don't need this." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[grunts in frustration]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[playing volleyball, Ryan hits the ball away, not paying attention to the game] Oh come- Ryan, come on, man! W-w-wait. Net. Net. Her hand's on the net." }, { "character": "Woman", "line": "So what?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Rule violation. Ball is ours. Give it to me. Our point. Okay. Hey, Pam, how ya doin? Hey, do you know if you're right-handed or left-handed? Or do you even know? What hand do you use to answer the phone?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Back off, Dwight. [serves] Hyuh! [the opposing team misses the ball, the Scranton team cheers] What?" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Maybe I played a little in junior high... and in high school... maybe a little in college... and went to volleyball camp most summers." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[serves] Hyuh! [other team misses and Scranton cheers] Well, look at that, we win!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nice job, Beesly." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes! We advance to the next round!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Oh, Lord in heaven." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[to Phyllis] Had to be part of the group. [laughs]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I brought some snacky snacks, in case we get hungry." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Ooh, yes please. [takes a bite] Mmm. So what do you have planned for us today? Hmm?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[watching her eat] What?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Do you have a script for the sketch, or..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um, no, I just thought we'd wing it. That cool?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Crystal cool." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[playing volleyball] Hit it Andy!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Bump! I bumped it!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Set!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Don't set it to yourself!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[Pam saves the play and Scranton cheers] Yeah!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Ow, my ankle!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What happened?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I... twisted it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You weren't even moving. [Phyllis leaves the court] Okay, sub!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I can play." }, { "character": "Rolph", "line": "Is there a... Meredith here?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Yeah! Man in!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Rolph, did you not hear me?" }, { "character": "Rolph", "line": "I don't hear cheaters, tramps, or women who break my friend's heart. Let's go!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "We could do a movie... sort of thing." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "[gasps] We could do Back to the Future." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh!" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "We have to convince Dunder and Mifflin to go back in time... fix their parents. [both laugh]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Could we get a Delorean?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Jaws. They swim in the ocean and they terrorize the whole community." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh! [to the theme of \"Jaws\"] Dun-der. Dun-der..." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Dun-der. Dun-der..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dun-der. Dun-der. Dun-der. Dun-der. Blooo!! [both laugh]" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Oh... We haven't found our great idea yet." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. No." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We're circling it." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Hmm..." } ], [ { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "[playing volleyball, Scranton wins another game] Nicely done. We're still going to crush you though!" }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Yes we are!" }, { "character": "Rolph", "line": "You suckers are goin down! They're gonna wipe their asses with your serves! Piss all over your faces!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, Rolph! Woah. Wait, wait- [shouts of disapproval]" }, { "character": "Rolph", "line": "It's true!" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Ah, this reminds me of the HR convention last fall." }, { "character": "Kendall", "line": "Oh yeah, with Bernie and Efrem. That was hilarious." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Really, really funny." }, { "character": "Kendall", "line": "Really funny." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Listen guys, one more point and we play corporate. [they get the last point, Jim and Dwight hug]" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Settle down gentlemen." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Good game!" } ], [ { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Welcome to the 43rd Annual Company Picnic, everybody. Thanks for being here. Now, a couple of employees have volunteered to entertain us with a song." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[shouts from behind the trees] Uh, it's a sketch now." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Okay, introducing Scranton's Michael Scott performing with Nashua's Holly Flax! I have not seen this. [applause]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And now, presenting..." }, { "character": "Both", "line": "SlumDunder Mifflinaire! [laughter]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[imitates Who Wants To Be a Millionaire theme music as both sit in folding chairs]" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Are you ready to play SlumDunder Mifflinaire?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, I am." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "For one hundred dollars, where did Dunder meet Mifflin? A.) On easy street, B.) a tour of Dartmouth College, C.) they never met, D.) brushing their teeth?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ohh, I'm thinking... I'm going to say... B, tour of Dartmouth College." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "That is correct! [both run to another side of the stage, acting out a different scene] How did you know that?! [pantomimes electrocuting Michael]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[screams] Ahhhh!! Ohhh!! Ahhh!! I was there! Ahhh!! I was a tour guide at Dartmouth College!! Noooo!!!" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "[now pretending to be Dunder and Mifflin] Nice campus. Think you'll get in?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, I'm definitely getting in. I'm a shoo-in." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "I'm Robert Dunder." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm Robert Mifflin. [pause to see audience's response] Ah, okay. [both run back to chairs]" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Robert Mifflin had a great life. But unfortunately, had undiagnosed depression, which over nine million Americans suffer from and is very treatable. For two hundred and fifty dollars, how did he kill himself? A.) A rope, B.) a knife, C.) a gun, D.) brushing his teeth!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Two hundred and fifty dollars is more money than I've ever seen in my life. I will say, C, a gun. He shot himself in the head." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "That is correct!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes!" } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I usually don't enjoy the theater, but this is delightful." } ], [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "The economic downturn has been difficult recently, forcing the closures of both Camden and Yonkers, to be followed soon by what other branch? For five-hundred thousand dollars, is it A.) Scranton, B.) Buffalo, C.) Utica, or D.) toothbrush!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I will say B, Buffalo! Final answer!" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "That is correct!" }, { "character": "Man from Buffalo", "line": "[over crowd of murmurs] What is he talking about?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "[pantomimes biting off Michael's fingers, Michael screams] How did you know that?!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "David Wallace told me!!" }, { "character": "Woman from Buffalo", "line": "David, is this true?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Uh, okay everyone, we're at a picnic today..." }, { "character": "Man from Buffalo", "line": "Are we losing our jobs or not, David?" }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "They didn't know?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[whispers] I guess not." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "I'm sorry, this certainly wasn't the time or the place to announce this sort of thing, but there have been talks about closing the Buffalo branch." }, { "character": "Woman from Buffalo", "line": "And?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "We're- we're closing the Buffalo branch." }, { "character": "Man from Buffalo", "line": "[over shouts of protest] You've got to be kidding me! You've got to be kidding me! We're the best branch in the company! I can't believe it. [Michael and Holly bow]" } ], [ { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "How could you possibly think that the right way to announce a branch closing was in a comedy sketch at the company picnic?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well... I didn't know they didn't know." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "What about the fact that they're here today? What about that? That didn't throw up any alarms? No, Michael needed a little bit for his comedy sketch, and he thought, \"oh, this would be really funny.\"" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Damn it, Michael, I told you that in confidence. Now I have to go over and deal with these employees and their families. A little boy just walked up to me and said, \"is my daddy gonna have a job by Christmas?\"" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, he's just thinking about his own gifts." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Maybe we shouldn't play due to the circumstances." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey, people need volleyball now more than ever." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "How do you figure?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Because if we don't play, then the other team wins." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Dwight's right. Corporate deserves to get its ass kicked." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Let's do this." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[playing volleyball] Jim, come on! [Jim scores a point, Scranton cheers]" }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Look who just woke up! [laughs, scores a point on the next play] I've been up for a while." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "It's six to six. It's a nail-biter. [ball hits Kevin]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Kevin! Now it's seven-six, or is that too much accounting for you?" }, { "character": "Rolph", "line": "Here's an accounting question for you: what does one fiance plus one lover equal? Answer: one whore." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, knock it off, Rolph." }, { "character": "Rolph", "line": "What? She is sitting there, casting aspersions-" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Rolph, please. I am asking nicely-" }, { "character": "Rolph", "line": "No way! You don't mean that!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Rolph, leave it alone!" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "[hits the ball over the net and scores a point] Yeah! Boo-yah!" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[running for the ball] I got it!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Pam!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[falls] Oof!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You all right?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yep. No, no, no, I'm fine." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You sure?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, easy, easy..." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Woah, woah, woah, woah, you wanna get that looked at." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, no, it's fine. Just gimme a second." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "I don't know. You know, this is a company picnic, so technically that is a company injury, you know? Safest thing to do is get that examined, right David?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right, you know what? You're just trying to get rid of our best player." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Oh, Jim, you're putting a volleyball game in front of your fiance's health." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, uh-" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Look, seriously, I can move it fine. Come on, let's go, it's our ball. Let's go!" }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Yeah, I don't think we can let you play with that foot." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[whispering] Tell you what. I spotted a small hospital a few kilometers south of here. Get her back as soon as possible. I'll stall 'em." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "I guess that's it for you, Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right, you know what? [picks Pam up and carries her off the court] Let's do this." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We'll be back!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh man, I am so mad that Pam got hurt! Argh!! Rrrraah!!! [kicks volleyball into the woods, calmly] I'll get it. [walks slowly toward the woods]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Probably shouldn't have mentioned Buffalo." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Hindsight." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Should've had hindsight." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "How do you think it went before the Buffalo thing?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I think it went well. I think it was good." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "There weren't any laughs." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, it was a tough audience." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Yeah, but we wrote it specifically for this audience." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Believe me, I have seen a lot of tough audiences in my time, and that was one of them." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "Well, I'm glad we did it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Me too. [long pause] We have a lot of good material for next year's sketch." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "I can't wait." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[on the phone] Yeah, she's with the nurse right now, so you'll have to stall a little longer... No, don't send in the subs yet... Dwight, I don't know. Think of something!" }, { "character": "Nurse", "line": "To be safe, we should do an x-ray." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "How long will that take?" }, { "character": "Nurse", "line": "Oh, shouldn't be too bad, it's a slow day. So, no other radiation this year, no metal plates, no chance you're pregnant..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm sorry, can we just hurry this up? I've got a game to get back to." }, { "character": "Nurse", "line": "Oh good, because my next question was \"do you have a game to get back to.\"" } ], [ { "character": "Holly", "line": "What'd you think?" }, { "character": "AJ", "line": "I loved it. You know, there was a part near the end that seemed like that went on a little long, but..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well you guys should hit the road before... I close down another branch." }, { "character": "Holly", "line": "[laughs] Okay. So good to see you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good to see you. [they hug] AJ." }, { "character": "AJ", "line": "Michael. [they shake hands]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I didn't find a perfect moment, because I think that today was just about just having today. And I think that we are one of those couples with a long story, when people ask how they found each other. I will see her every now and then, and... Maybe one year she'll be with somebody, and the next year, I'll be with somebody, and it's gonna take a long time... And then it's perfect. I'm in no rush." } ], [ { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Dwight, come on now, it's time to put in the subs." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "Yeah, it looks like Pam won't make it back. Okay?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay. Fine." }, { "character": "Charles", "line": "All right! Come on." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Except, you know what? It's not fine. How many people need to get hurt before we learn a valuable lesson? One? Two? Three? Four?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, no, hear me out. Five? Six?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Seven? Can I finish please?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Eight?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[on the phone] Oh, Dwight, we're so close! Just buy us a few more minutes... Well, they just called me in for an update, so I'll call you right back... Okay... Okay, great. [goes into a private room where Pam and the doctor are, the voices are inaudible, but the camera can see through a window, Pam and Jim look in shock, they hug and Jim goes back out into the hall to call Dwight back, trembling] Hey, Dwight, uh... send in the subs! [laughs] Ohh! [goes back into the room to hug Pam]" } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[enters office, somersaults onto couch, kicks over painting and lamp] Parkour!" }, { "character": "Dwight & Andy", "line": "[rush into office, Andy climbs on reception desk, Dwight holds video camera]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Parkour!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[walking on Pam's desk, then Jim's desk] Extreme! Parkour!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "This... is Parkour. [turns laptop to camera, shows Parkour instructional video] Internet sensation of 2004. And it was in one of the Bond films. It's pretty impressive. [Michael is shown climbing/walking on various objects in office] The goal is to get from point A to point B as creatively as possible, so technically they are doing Parkour, as long as point A is delusion and point B is the hospital." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[stands on his hands kicking open bathroom doors as Andy films, Meredith is seen applying deodorant in women's bathroom]" }, { "character": "Dwight & Andy", "line": "[approaching elevator, as Michael films] Parkour! Parkour!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Andy! Leapfrog! [Andy leapfrogs Dwight]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Do me! Do me!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah! [Dwight jumps on Andy's back, riding him like a horse] Parkour! Parkour!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ow! Get off! Get off!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Andy & Michael", "line": "[walking across cars in parking lot, Dwight filming] Parkour! Parkour!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[crouching beside car] Jump over the camera! Jump over the camera! [Michael feebly attempts to jump off car, gives double thumbs up to camera]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[standing on tractor trailer with Dwight and Andy, looking down] Okay, we all go together or we go one at a time." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Here it is, here it is... truck, to refrigerators, to dumpster, [camera pans to refrigerator boxes, then dumpster] 360 onto the pallets, backflip gainer to the trash can." }, { "character": "Michael & Dwight", "line": "[in unison] Yeah! Gainer! Woohoo!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[to Michael's camera] Hardcore Parkour!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Parkoooooour!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Let's do it!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[leaps from trailer, disappears into empty refrigerator box]" }, { "character": "Michael & Dwight", "line": "[look down, appearing shocked and concerned]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[inside refrigerator box, sounding injured] Parkour!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[on telephone] Good. Excellent. Thank you." }, { "character": "Female Intern", "line": "[hands Dwight a cup of water] There you go. Is there anything else I can do?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[chugs water, throws away cup] Yes. Umm... see those files behind Kevin's desk?" }, { "character": "Female Intern", "line": "[nods] Mm hmm." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Go put them all in random order." }, { "character": "Female intern", "line": "[confused] Mm-kay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Then come back here for your next assignment concerning their order." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "This is the last day of our summer interns. It's been nice. We haven't had interns for a while, ever since Michael's Monica Lewinsky incident. [interns are shown gathered around Kelly's desk, one holding a box of tissues, as Kelly cries and wipes tears] He didn't do anything sexual. [female intern opens a jar of salsa for Michael] He just made far, far too many Monica Lewinsky jokes. [Meredith rubs her breasts into Maurie's back] It was just easier for corporate to shut down the program." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "[to Oscar, motioning to male intern and female intern] Think she did him?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I bet there's something there. I was with them in the kitchen yesterday, and they were all too happy to be cleaning the freezer." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "If they get married before I do, I'm going to kill myself." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[entering break room] Who's getting married?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Nobody." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "If somebody doesn't tell me, I'm gonna start screaming." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "It's Eric and Megan." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh! Hey, I hired them! Matchmaker! This place is like Spaniard Fly." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "They're not getting married. It's just talk." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Did everybody know about this but me?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "There's nothing to know, it's just gossip." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[shaking head disgustedly] Okay... okay. [leaves room]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[talking head with Jim] We haven't told anyone I'm pregnant." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, with her being unmarried... knocked up by some guy, I mean the yakity-yaks in this office would have a field day." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, we don't want them at the wedding thinking Jim's being marched down the aisle by my dad with a shotgum." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wait, there's not gonna be a shotgun?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Nope." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No shotgun... 'cause that changes everything." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Can't back out now, Halpert." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What are you gonna do about it? There's no shotgun, so... free at last, free at last!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, keep it up." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[approaches Dwight's desk] You'll never guess what I know." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[typing] Okay, let me finish this thought." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Eric likes Megan." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[still typing] He most definitely does. He's been asking her out repeatedly for weeks. She finally said yes. They went out on a group date the other night; apparently it went very well." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[annoyed] How do you know this?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[still typing] People tell me things. I guess I have a face you can trust. I think it's because of my low cheekbones. And... boom. [finishes typing, turns to face Michael] Okay, what is it, what can't I guess?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I hate, hate, hate being left out. Whether it's not being picked for a team, or being picked for a team and showing up and realizing the team doesn't exist. Or that the sport doesn't exist? I should've known. Poopball?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[to Maurie, the Asian intern] Man, I know how you feel. Third wheel. I have been the third wheel so many times in my life. My mom told me something once that made me feel a lot better. She said \"The third wheel is what makes it a tricycle.\"" }, { "character": "Maurie", "line": "What are you talking about?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm talking about your group date with Megan and Eric." }, { "character": "Maurie", "line": "At Tink's?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes" }, { "character": "Maurie", "line": "How'd you know about that?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well..." }, { "character": "Maurie", "line": "Did Stanley tell you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[confused] Stanley was on your group date?" }, { "character": "Maurie", "line": "No, Stanley was with his wife. I waved at him, but he didn't wave back." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[laughs] Does anybody else know about this?" }, { "character": "Maurie", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[laughs, looks to camera excitedly]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "There he goes. There he goes. [Stanley gets up from his desk, walks into kitchen area]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So, what is the scuttlebutt? Anybody hear anything?" }, { "character": "Dwight & Jim & Pam", "line": "[stare blankly at Michael]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nothing? Well I got a little somethin' somethin'. I don't know if I should say..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Just keep it to yourself then." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Stanly is having a midlife crisis." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Stanley's way past the middle of his life. Especially considering his height to weight ratio." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well apparently, he and his wife were out dancing at a club for young people." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Teri's out of town, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Who?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Teri, Stanley's wife. She's at an interior decorating expo in Philly. Stanley hates crowds, kids, and music. I think you should check your facts." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[starts to speak, says nothing, walks away]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[entering break room, to Maurie] You stupid son of a bitch. You set me up." }, { "character": "Maurie", "line": "What are you talking about?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Stanley's wife is out of town." }, { "character": "Maurie", "line": "He was with somebody." }, { "character": "Eric", "line": "He was definitely with somebody." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, was he? Well who, his sister?" }, { "character": "Eric", "line": "[chuckles]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[upset] I don't get it!" }, { "character": "Eric", "line": "If that was his sister, then what they were doing was totally illegal." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Drugs?" }, { "character": "Eric", "line": "Making out." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[fumbling for words] Mmm... okay. Uhh... hmm... okay. Never mind. Carry on." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[approaching Kelly's desk, whispering] Stanley is having an affir." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "WHAT??" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am very happy right now. Thrilled perhaps, to be part of the office, to be part of the conversation. When you have somebody's attenton, and their eyes are lighting up because they are very interested in what you have to say, [Michael is seen whispering to Jim, then Pam] that is a great feeling, and I experienced that firsthand today. It is wonderful to be the center of attention." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[motioning to pad of paper with hangman game, spelling out \"S_an_ey is chea_in_ _n _eri] That and that are the same letter." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Q." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No... no. He's holding a pencil. He could be doing a crossword puzzle with that pencil. What's that letter, right there? Same letter here and here. What haven't you guessed?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "T." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "T! Yes! Yes! That is a \"T\", and there's another one right there. Just sound that out. You're almost there." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[opening blinds as Stanley walks past] Hey, Stanley! Where you goin', big guy? Up to no good?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I'm meeting a client. Do you have a problem with that?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, no, no. I just had a quick question for you. I'm casting a movie and I'm looking for a woman who can dance, beautiful woman. Do you know anybody?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Goodbye. [walks away]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pays five million dollars. Nudity required." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[approaching Michael] You have to stop this." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[giddy, whispering] Did you hear Stanley's having an affair?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I did. From you. You gotta stop telling people." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, okay, I get it. You feel out of the loop, and you feel sorry for yourself, and it's really sad because everybody thinks you're a loser..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Do you know if it's true? Do you have any idea? Because you might be ruining his life." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[stares at Jim silently, then walks away]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[in parking lot, blocking path of Stanley's car] Stop. Hold up, hold up, hold up! No, no, no. Time to stop being polite and get real. [Stanley honks horn repeatedly] Stanley, are you having an affair?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[as Michael gets in car] That is ridiculous. Of course not, why would you think that?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So It's not true. Okay, well... ahhh, those interns, they told me they saw you at a club, and they all said it was you, it was clearly just... racial profiling gossip." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[hits steering wheel angrily] Damn! I told her it was a stupid idea to go up in that club." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[nodding] So stupid!" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "It's just that... Teri's been traveling a lot..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know, I know." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "And it's been lonely." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, I bet." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Cynthia's been keeping me company. She was my nurse, when I was in rehabilitation. We used to go on these long walks on the treadmill... I didn't..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wait, hold, hold, hold... so it IS true?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Yeah, but Michael, I'm going to go break it off. That's where I'm headed right now. I swear." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh my God! Wait a second, do people often say they're going on sales calls and then go someplace else? 'Cause that's not cool." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I just need you to promise not to say a word about this to anyone. Michael, please." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[muttering] I'm not saying... a damn thing." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I'm counting on you, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[looking afraid] You can count on me." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[sighs]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[entering kitchen area] Oh, that smells good." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I might have extra, it just depends on how many I eat." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Did you hear about Angela? That's pretty weird." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah... what do you mean exactly?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, the fact that she is apparently dating an 81-year-old billionaire. Owns a Quizno's on the turnpike." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Reeeeally." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh huh. [gestures to Kevin to keep it quiet] Alright?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "How do you un-tell something? You can't. You can't put words back in your mouth. What you can do is spread false gossip so that people think that everything that's been said is untrue, including \"Stanley is having an affair.\" It's like the end of Spartacus. I've seen that movie half a dozen times, and I still don't know who the real Spartacus is, and that is what makes that movie a classic whodunit." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Kelly has an eating disorder?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "She always eats my lunch." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Anorexia. She's an anorexatic." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "We should do something." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nothing can be done, we just have to tell everybody and hope for the best I guess." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[to Kelly] I'm worried about Erin, because she's not a very good worker. I don't know how long she's gonna last here." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah. So... and Andy is gay." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Andy Bernard??" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mm hmm." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[whispering to Meredith] Did you hear Pam is pregnant?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah!" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "She's gonna hate being a mom." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[making a cup of tea in kitchen area]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[looks at Andy and giggles]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[still giggling] Tea." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "So?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "You would." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[laughing] I like tea!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[sarcastically] Oh, I bet you like it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hahaha! I like it a lot! I love tea!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Do you like it as much as you like mens' butts?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "WHAT??" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Because you're gay." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[serious] Who told you that? Was it Broccoli Rob? Someone from Chi Psi? Or did you run into someone from my high school?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "This is not the first time rumors about me being gay have come up. Twice before, actually. Just a weird coincidence... a little too weird. [chuckles nervously] Almost makes you wonder if it's not a coincidence at all. Whoa! Which it is, of course. [long pause] But it makes you wonder." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[to Oscar in break room] Did you hear the rumor about me? That I'm gay?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[nodding] I did. Yes." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "And?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Do you think it's true? Do you think that I'm... gay?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Are you attracted to other men?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[scoffs and chuckles] No! But, let me kick you a scenario. I'm at a beach cabana, and Brad Pitt approaches. He tries to lean in and kiss me. I would definitely resist, like at first. But if he was persistent, [long pause] I think I might give in a little bit, just to see what it... felt like." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[stares at Andy incredulously]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Would I push him away? How hard? Like, what if he's like really aggressive?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "If you resisted Brad Pitt a little bit, he would still... need to get to you?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It's not real Brad Pitt, this is like, this is my fantasy. Or it's like, not a fantasy, it's just... it's just a scenario." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Wow. I wish... I wish I could help you. I don't... you might be gay. You might be gay." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What exactly is my responsibility here? To comfort insecure heterosexual men? That can't possibly fall to me." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "How far along is Pam?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "A few months, that's why they're rushing the wedding." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[whispering] Guys, guys... you can't believe everything you hear. Like Stanley, having an affair? That is crazy! It's just... there's no stalking it. It's a weird day for false facts. Let it go." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[with everyone assembled in conference room] Okay everybody, big day. Last day for our interns, a lot of other stuff... who knows what to believe? Dwight, the honors." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[giving envelopes to interns] Present these to the dean for credit. And, as a gift, I've attached my card. Call me any time of the day or night." }, { "character": "Eric", "line": "Why would we call you at night?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[grabs card from Eric, crumples it, throws it to the ground] Well now you can't call me at all. Problem solved." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[to Eric] You're gonna regret that when you find yourself between a moose and her cubs." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Look at the intern to your left. Now to your right. [interns do nothing] One of you will do exceedingly well in business, just unlimited potential. One of you will make a living, and nothing more. And one of you [looks directly at Megan] will make a great mother. It's up to you to choose which you want to be." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "[eating cake with Kelly] I am so happy you're eating again." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[mouth full of cake] Me too!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[to Jim] Tuna, how come you never try to set me up?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, I don't really do that. But Pam might have some friends, though." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Women friends?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yep." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Not guy friends?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Are you... interested in her guy friends?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No. I mean, for the record, I prefer women." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "But off the record, I'm kinda confused." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Really." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, the evidence is sort of stacked against me, I feel like..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well you gotta figure this out." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, right?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "How?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You gotta have sex with a woman." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Right-o." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And a man." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ohh..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And then compare." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Alright. [looks around uneasily] Well hey..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yep." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Congratulations to you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "On what?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[chuckles] Come on... little baby Tuna. Little junior toro." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[looks around room nervously]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[to Pam] Did you know a baby conceived out of wedlock is still a bastard?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Want me to say it again?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Why did that come into your brain?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[grabs Pam by the arm] Can I talk to you for a second?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[whispering to Pam in corner of room] So, they know." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Who did you tell?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I didn't tell anyone! Who did you tell?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Nobody!" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "[approaching Jim and Pam] Hey, did one of you tell Stanley I have asthma? Because I don't, and if it gets out, they won't let me scuba." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "If I can't scuba, then what's this all been about? What am I working toward?" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[to Andy] What? You think I'm the voice of the Taco Bell dog?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "[to Phyllis and Stanley] What are you guys talking about? I have a daughter. How can I be a virgin?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, has everyone heard a crazy rumor about themselves today?" }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "[in unison] Yes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[entering conference room] Yeah, yeah... you know what? Let's discredit these rumors." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, sure, but... who's been saying all that stuff?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's not important, Jim, I just think we shouldn't listen to any of that crap." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Sure, but we should get to the bottom of this. Let's pick a rumor and trace it back to the beginning." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I need to do mine first. Who's been saying that there's another person inside of me, working me with controls?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "I heard that from... Andy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I heard it from Erin." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I heard it from Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[quietly leaves room]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[approaching Michael at elevators] Michael? [to others] He's over here!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[to Michael] Where are you going?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nowhere." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael... [leads Michael to corner of vestibule, then whispers] You told people I use store-bought manure, when I showed you where my manure comes from. Hmm? Hmm? [Michael looks nervously to camera as elevator doors open]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Don't get on it. [Michael inches toward elevator]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Michael, don't." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Don't... get... on. Do not." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Michael..." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Stay." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Step away." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Come on, boss." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[reluctantly exits elevator]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[to everyone, in conference room] Okay, I made it all up." }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "[sighs in unison]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Even the fact that I'm gay?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[relieved] Yes!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "But guys, I'm a victim here too, okay? People here have been saying that I'm a J. Crew model." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No. We heard that about Jim." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jim? No, no. I spread the rumor that somebody here was a J. Crew model, and I was referring to myself." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "How is that a bad rumor?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Because a lot of people think that models, even though they're very attractive, are somewhat vapid. It's set our industry back quite a bit." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Michael, why? Why say all these things? Why make up an eating disorder, Stanley's affair, me being a spokesdog..." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "[pissed off] You told everyone I was having an affair?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, okay... here's the thing. There was one true rumor out there today. I didn't want everybody to know what it was. So all of you are off the hook, except for this one person." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Well then, what's the one true rumor?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "We have a right to know." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Michael... am I gay?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[sighs] The one true rumor, and this is going to ruin this person's life, is that..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[interrupting] That Pam's pregnant." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I knew it!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I knew it! Her breasts were a tiny bit bigger. At first I thought \"Oh, she has a new bra with padding.\" But then I thought \"Pam doesn't need padding.\" It just didn't add up, Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay. Thank you." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Congratulations!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "That's really great, you guys." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Don't vaccinate it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Who's the father?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Jim." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "How far along?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Four months." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Who's the OB/GYN?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Stop. Don't. Just..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright, alright... you know, this is not the truth, and you can't fall on the sword this way. The real thing is that Stanley Hudson had an affair." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nope." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes. Jim..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[arm around Pam] Thank you for trying to defend her. But actually, Pam is pregnant, and we can prove it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "If everyone would like to see proof." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay. [leaves room]" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Are we just gonna wait here? [Pam returns, displays sonogram]" }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "[gasps, then cheers]" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "It's true!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Look at that! [grabs sonogram from Pam] That is the inside of your vagina! [Jim takes sonogram from Michael]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[talking head with Jim] It's clear why we were trying not to tell people. That's clear now. [Jim nods, looking at floor]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[to Jim and Pam] How long have you known about the pregnancy?" }, { "character": "Jim & Pam", "line": "[look at each other uncertainly]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "A week? A month? A year?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Michael, we only told our parents last week." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Did you pee on a stick?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I did. It was inconclusive." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You should've told me." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[exchanges looks with Jim] You're right. We should've realized that you are an equal part of this." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[phone rings, hits speaker button]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Michael, Teri Hudson returning your call." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[gasps]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[in disbelief] You called Stanley's wife?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, oh... yeah, a long time ago, just to make sure she was out of town. Oh... oh God." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Don't take it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I have to take it, or it'll seem suspicious." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "If you talk to her, you're gonna tell her about Stanley, and that's gonna seem more suspicious." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, I can do this." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You can't do this." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, I can. I am going to tell her that I need to redecorate my condo, and I need her help. We will haggle about money, and then I will back down, and then I won't talk to her until this whole Cynthia thing has blown over." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That sounds terrible." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael, please don't." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[picking up phone] Hey, what up, Cynthia? [lowers phone, looking terrified]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[gets up to leave room, Michael gestures for him to stay]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hold on a second, Cynthia." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[hangs up Michael's phone, leaves room]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, it turns out that Teri was already suspicious, because she had caught Stanley and Cynthia a few months ago. So Stanley promised that he would stop, and he did, end of story. Well, not exactly. [camera pans down from Michael's office window to parking lot below, Stanley is seen destroying Michael's Sebring with a crowbar] Uhh, Cynthia kept calling him, she would not stop calling him, and she was in love with him. Oh, and get this. Cynthia, also married. So... you can't stop love, I guess [Jim is seen displaying fetus picture on his desk as Pam smiles] and quite frankly, I don't think you should ever try." } ], [ { "character": "Maurie", "line": "[talking head with Eric and Megan] I learned that a company can describe their internship as \"full of exciting experiences,\" even if that's a lie. There's no regulation." }, { "character": "Megan", "line": "I learned that half these people's email password is \"password.\"" }, { "character": "Eric", "line": "I learned that a ream of paper is 300 sheets." }, { "character": "Megan", "line": "I thought it was 500." }, { "character": "Eric", "line": "Oh... I guess I didn't learn anything." }, { "character": "Maurie", "line": "I learned that if you look even the tiniest bit like Jet Li, Michael will call you \"Jet Li\" all summer." }, { "character": "Megan", "line": "[raises hand] Julia Stiles." }, { "character": "Eric", "line": "[raises hand] Alan Thicke." } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[knock at Michael's Office door] Yeah?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You wanted to see me?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, Oscar come on in. Close the door if you would. Thank you, thanks so much for talking to me." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Yeah sure." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm going in for a procedure today." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Is everything okay?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, it's routine. I'm just a little bit scared." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I'm sure everything will be fine. [pulls up a chair] What do you? What's the procedure, if you don't mind my asking?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It is a colonoscopy." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "In your experience, what should I be expecting in terms of sensation or emotions? [Oscar looks irritated and frustrated] Is there anything I can do to make it more pleasurable for me or for Dr. Shaundry?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[sighs] Oh my God." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "My main concern, should I have a safe word?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Yeah. [Oscar gets up and walks out]" } ], [ { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "So Michael, do you think you can give me a run down on the Buffalo clients by Monday?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Abso... you know what? I'll do you one better, Sunday, Sunday night." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Okay, I will look at it Monday." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ho, Hol, hold on big guy, I'm gonna put it in the mail Sunday night and you'll get it Weds." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Okay, Jim you wanna hit the conference room?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Sure." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, Good luck." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh right, this thing. I remember now. [whispers to Jim] What's this about?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ah, this is just me and David, if that's okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's okay with me but he's gonna want me in there." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "No, ah it's okay Michael. We got it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright, do you mind if it sit this out? I have so much work to do, I feel like I'm gonna blow my brains out." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "[nods] Okay. [Jim smiles and waves to Pam]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Am I worried that Jim and David are having a meeting without me? No, because we are the Three Amigos. And once in awhile one of the Amigos will go off... to the bathroom... while the other two have a secret meeting. [shrugs]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey let me escort you to your desk." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay, it's just three or four steps but thank you, thank you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You and Jim are close, huh?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, I think the pregnancy really brought us together." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, what do you think he and David are talking about? What do you..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ummm, I don't know." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, you said good luck to Jim as he walked in." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Did I? Doesn't sound like me, not very superstitious." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "If you are lying to me right now Pam, your baby is gonna come out a liar. That's how it works. They inherit things through the breast milk." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Please don't talk about my breast milk." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I just don't want you to lie to me. I don't want you to ever lie to me. Have I ever lied to you?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I just don't want you to." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I was rushing to fill an order. I put the ladder up to grab a box of three hole from the top shelf. Next thing I know, I'm on the ground and the ladder's on top of me." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "And that's how you broke your ankle?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hmmm, interesting. How did the ladder end up on top of you, if you fell off of it?" }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "This doesn't concern you man, you need to walk away." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh really, I'm sorry I thought this was a free country. I didn't know we were in communist Sweden." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "If we were living in Sweden, I wouldn't have to worry about this 'cause we'd have universal healthcare." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Nnnnn, that's not... okay." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Be quiet." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm talking about... hmmm." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I will send this off to corporate. Make sure you hold on to your medical bills. Feel better." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Thanks T-Man, later. [fist bumps Toby}" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So long Darryl, feel better... [to Toby] He's lying." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "He has a doctor's note." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh? From who, Dr. J? Look, you really need to investigate this. People don't just fall off of ladders." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "A guy on my street fell off a ladder painting his house. It was on the news." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Since when have you known Darryl to rush to do anything other than to come up here for birthday cake? [imitating Darryl] Y'all having birthday cake?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "That's not a very good Darryl." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Please... and how many foremen do you know that pull boxes?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Hmmm." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It just doesn't add up." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Well, we did a little investigation and Dwight had a good point. The ladder didn't reach the top shelf. I don't know if I believe it, but I am a fan of the hardboiled detective novel. [impression] I'll punch you in da mush, see." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[walks into conference room on his cell phone, interrupting David and Jim] Uh huh, well if he doesn't like it you can tell that SOB that he is fired. Sorry, I'm going into a meeting right now. I will... I love you too. Bye." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Who was that?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sorry about that. What'd I miss?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Michael, we would like to continue the rest of this meeting in private, please, if you don't mind." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do not mind! Yes, I do! No, I don't. Yes, I do! No, I don't mind. Catch you guys on the flippity flop. Oh this... call waiting. [answers his phone] Yeah, uh huh, well you tell the Mayor he just lost six votes." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "[spying on David and Jim] They've been in there a while." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Can't be good." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nope." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Think they're talking about me?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I think they're talking about me." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Yeah, that makes way more sense. Okay thanks boss." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "What is Jim telling him? That I can't handle this job? That 's bull crap. That is bull crap. Although, it has been chaotic lately. Corporate shut down the Buffalo branch which left us to absorb all of their clients. I will tell you there has been work everyday. Had to come in on a Saturday. To retrieve... I left my cell phone here." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey Kelly." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Ugh, so jealous of your boobs." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thank you. Um, listen I just wanted to confirm that you're not coming to the wedding, which is totally understandable and more than fine." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Is Ryan going?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't know, he hasn't RSVP'd yet." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "We invited everyone in the office to our wedding. Even though we realized most people wouldn't be able to make the drive to Niagara Falls. [whispers] Which is why we're having it in Niagara Falls. [normal volume] Then Michael told everyone they could have Friday and Monday off, if they came. So now, people have to decide if they want to come to our wedding or have to work." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Here's the deal. I really want to go but I'm not gonna go if Ryan doesn't go, because it's kind of a waste of time. That came out wrong. It would awesome if you could try to get him to go because I'd really like to be there to support Jim." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "What can I do for ya Hoss?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[staring into the conference room] How are your sales doin'?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "How are my sales doin'? Busted. My numbers are down a little bit and it's 'cause of the economy. You're not buying it, you're good. Okay the truth is, I have been having trouble focusing lately. I'm in this weird, flirty, nebulous thing with this cousin of mine and it's a total mind effer." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Again with the cousin." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, I'm sorry Phyllis, you explain this email, okay. \"Hey Andy let's go visit grandma and then get drunk together, ha ha.\"" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Shhh, I'm just trying to figure out what's going on in that room, okay?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wallace had to show up on the one four month period that I'm completely overwhelmed." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know when they say it's so crazy it just might work? Well, I don't believe that. I say go for the air-tight plan and that is why I am having Andy wheel me into the conference room inside a makeshift cheese cart. It is just elegant." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[in the cheese cart] Be my eyes." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You got it." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "What have we here?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, just backing up and turning around." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hey, we're gonna do this..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Dit, dit, dit, dit, it's not for you. [enters the conference room] Pardon moi, Messieurs. I took the liberty of preparing for you a cheese platter which I will place here on the eastern wall of the conference room." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Cheese platter?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oui, Oui, Monsieur. From the Wisconsin region, a nice firm cheddar. Also from the great state of Wisconsin, an aged parmesan. Here you will find a cheddar style spread which has reacted nicely with the air to form a light rind which I think you'll find both challenging and delicious. At that point, I would recommend you take a trip south of the border to the great state of Illinois where you will find this fine Bleu Cheese dressing. If I may be so bold, it's a lot of fun to let the goldfish take a little swim in the bleu cheese. Bon appetit." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Alright, well I should go. Thanks for this. You've given me a lot to think about. Please promise me you won't do anything until we speak." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, I won't. Alright, thanks for giving me your time, I appreciate it." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Thank you Jim." } ], [ { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Erin, is Michael around?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I think he's around here..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[crawls out of the cheese cart unseen] Hey, hey, you must have walked right past me. How you doin'?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Ah, yeah, could we talk in your office for a second?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, definitely." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "[spying at Darryl's house] Sounds like a EMDP-40." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Nah, that's a GE. A P40 is much higher pitched." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "You're into trains?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I have been my whole life." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Wow." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm rebuilding a turn of the century steam engine in my slaughter house." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "That's so cool." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Wow, I'd love to take a look at that." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, it's just a run of the mill slaughter house, but sure anytime." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Well, you know, 'cause of the trains." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wa... wa... wait , someone's coming." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Uhh, oh boy, oh boy." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Here, get down! He's not using crutches! Get the camera!" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Get over there! Get over there!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, worker's comp, my ass!" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I can't believe this. [mistaking Darryl's sister for Darryl] Hey you, ass****!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Toby..." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "You gonna eat all that dog food yourself?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ooohhh... [crashes car into garbage cans] Oh man! You okay?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Just keep going." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey Ryan." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "So, I just wanted to confirm that you're not coming to my wedding." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yeah, I might stop by." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It costs about $75 per person." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Okay, I once had a glass of Cognac that cost $77." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Can you just tell me now if you're coming or not?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Yes, I'm coming to your wedding." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay, Ryan Howard, yes." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Probably, yes." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Kelly Kapoor, yes." } ], [ { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Are you sure you're okay with these new responsibilites?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Look who you're talking to." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "I'm just trying to figure out the best way to utilize everyone's talents." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well I would say that my greatest talent is being the best man, woman, or child, to have ever run this branch, ever." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "What about Jim? Do you think Jim is someone who is ready to move into a management position?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[looks at Jim] Permission to speak on the record?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Please do." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jim is like Big Bird. He is tall and yellow and very nice. But would I put him in charge? No, I don't think so. Because Big Bird doesn't make the tough decisions. I... If I was gonna put someone in charge, I would put Burt in charge or I would put one of the real grown-ups in charge, like Maria or Gordon, maybe." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "I thought you liked Jim?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Very much, Jim is my best friend. But it's his performance report... right here. Now this was written by Toby, who we all know is extremely reliable." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's not very well written, but you get the gist." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Is there anybody else you think could run the day to day of the branch?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I can just continue to run it myself." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Jim had an interesting idea to help you with this extra work load and it involved you being promoted to oversee all northeast sales and then Jim would be promoted to your position." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "This was Jim's idea?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Mmhmm." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wow. Ummm, well I'd have to talk to my mother and my guy at H and R Block." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Ummm... okay, here's the thing though. The plan doesn't work unless we have someone to replace you. I was hoping... plus we have to worry about Jim, he has another job offer. We may have to replace him." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I didn't tell Michael because I thought he'd try to help. Example, he handed out Jello shots at the 23rd mile of the Steamtown marathon." } ], [ { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Jim can you walk me out to my car for a second." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Sure." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[after talking to David, Jim looks dejected] I can't help but feel partially responsible." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[shakes jelly beans] Little pick me up? [Jim accepts] Oh those are the best. Little sugar rush." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "When you were in the office earlier talking to Wallace, did I come up at all?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well we did talk about how handsome you are." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Why don't we head in your office to talk?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh what a week, God. We said... I know there were certain things we said..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Michael, look I'll just be honest with you. Earlier today I spoke with Wallace about a promotion. I actually think that talk went really well. And then after he spoke with you, for some reason it felt like things had changed." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hmmm, that's weird, that's weird... it's kinda weirding me out. Did you know that Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Michael, did you say anything?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Tell you what, when you leave this office I am going to call Wallace and I am going to tell him that you should get that promotion." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You will? Wanna do it right now?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I tried to keep Michael in the dark. I should have known that he can do just as much damage in the dark." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I need to see your pupils. I need to see if they're dilated." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "If they were dilated..." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Toby! Dwight! Is that them?" }, { "character": "Gwenneth", "line": "Definitely." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You come to my house, bust up my trash cans, call my baby sister an ass****, and told her to eat dog food." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "We thought that she was you." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Why would you think a lady is me?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Are you... are you serious? Be... cause you look exactly alike. Am I the only one? Are you getting this?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "No, nah. I don't see it." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Here's what I'm gonna do, I'm calling corporate and I'm filing a complaint against both of you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Aww, Darryl." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "C'mon Gwenneth." }, { "character": "Gwenneth", "line": "Sad." } ], [ { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "[on phone] This is David." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey David, this is Michael Scott. [Jim pushes speaker phone button] Michael Scott here." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Yep." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just wanted to talk to you about Jim Halpert. I understand that he did not receive the promotion. And I wanted to see what I could do to nudge you in the right direction." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "So, what, you're changing your mind about Jim?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Absolutely, [turns speakerphone off] not. [turns speakerphone back on] Like I said before, Jim is fantastic and he deserves this job." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Michael, it seems like you're cutting in and out... This is not what you said earlier." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wha... here's the thing, Jim is the best man for this job, I think you should give it to him." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Well, it doesn't change what you showed me in Jim's file." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, nnnn, that... that was an anomaly. That file had been falsified. Toby Flenderson is doing drugs." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Michael, I really don't know what's going on [police sirens in background] down there, but... oh, dammit, I am getting pulled over for talking on my cell, dammit." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Hey Darryl, look ahhh, we're here to apologize ahh..." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Cool." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wait! They're using the lift as their own personal elevator." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "He broke his ankle climbing over the railing and he lied about it because it was a misuse of company equipment, case closed." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Stupidest thing I've ever heard." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Really? Then why is there new wood only on one railing? Hmmm? We should check the security tapes Toby." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Well, I don't think there's any reason to check 'em but I suppose if we wanted to be really certain..." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Alright, yeah fine so whatever..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes!" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "You really did it..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Now, I would like to file an official complaint to corporate because Darryl lied on an official form." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "And I'm telling them you guys sexually harassed my sister." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Phhhht. No judge is gonna believe that..." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Ahhh, kay. Look, we could all file complaints against each other and just drown in a sea of paperwork, but you know, we can just move on with our... with our lives." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "So Dwight and Darryl came to an agreement that both would file complaints with corporate and now I get to do all this paperwork. We worked it out." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, hey Jim, it would make me feel really good right now if you would just punch me in the face. Alright, Just do it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "How many times have I asked you to put me up for a branch manager job." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I never recommended you because I didn't want to lose you and I didn't want to lose Pam, [starts to choke up] and now I don't wanna lose the baby." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "So instead, you screwed me?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's what she..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "David Wallace is calling." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Kind of in the middle of something here." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Should I tell him you'll call him back?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I, yeah... no, I'll tell him myself. Let's both." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[on phone] Hello." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Hey Michael, you got Jim there with you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, it's just us." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Actually, can you call Jim in? I want him on, please." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, oh, well here he is right now. [Michael knocks on desk] Come in. [Makes sound effects for door opening and footsteps and points to Jim to answer]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hi David." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Hey guys, so I spoke to Alan, we had kind of an unconventional idea, which I think is pretty cool. But it only works if everyone's on board." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well just as long as it means Jim becomes a manager." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "We were thinking of having two branch managers in Scranton. Both of you guys working as co-managers. Jim would handle the day to day and Michael you would focus on clients and big picture stuff." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow, that sounds pretty cool." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I like that, so manager and co-manager." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Co-manager and Co-manager. See, there are a lot of moving pieces and this is the only way I can sell it upstairs." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well that might be a little confusing for people because they know me as manager." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Alright, hey Michael can you pick up for one second. [Michael picks up phone] Okay look, I'm not going to force you into anything. If you're willing to lose Jim, fine, you just say so and we'll find another solution, okay. Is that what you want to do?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay people, listen up, I have an announcement to make, fraud was committed..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay everybody, I have an announcement to make... whoa do you have an announcement?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm... I was making it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Everybody, David Wallace and I have talked and we have decided to promote Jim to the position of co-manager." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Co-manager of what?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Of your butt, and your butt, and your butt, all of the Scranton branch butts." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "What's happening to you Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What's happening to me? I am also being promoted to co-manager, we will be co-managers together. Jim Halpert, welcome." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[shakes Michael's hand] Thank you. [Dwight looks disappointed and angry behind them]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "AHHHHHHHHHHHH!" } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Niagara Falls in October? Pfft, hells yeah." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Do you think that you could send in your RSVP card?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Nah, I'll just tell you now, easier." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, you have to choose a food option and there's information in there about directions and lodging..." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I'll just have whatever's fanciest, unless there's ribs. I'll just get the other information the day of, I'll text you." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You are going to text me, the morning of my wedding." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Uh huh." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "To ask for directions.." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Right..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "And you will eat whatever is fanciest?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Unless there's ribs. [leaves]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Rude." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "So rude, right?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Mmm hmmm." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[sits down] Oh my gosh, I have been chasing people down all day. It's incredible." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Pam, my bag was there..." } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[in Michael's office] Could you please sign my expense report?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No way, no how. Expense reports are a day-to-day item. That is Jim's now. I am exclusively big picture, epic." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[in Jim's office] Sign this." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ah, ah, ah. Where's the \"please\"? We're not animals." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Sign it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, not without a \"please.\"" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Idiot." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[in Michael's office] I have a complaint about Jim." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That is not big picture." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I would like to file a huge, enormous, massive complaint about the tallest guy in our office." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "... Okay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jim won't sign my expense report." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That is not-- okay-- that is day-to-day." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, that is huge." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're trying to trick me." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "This has to do--" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Get out, get out, get out, get out, get out." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[in Jim's office] I'd like to lodge a complaint." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm sorry to hear about that. Who is this about?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay. Just want to let you know I take complaints very seriously. So... When did this happen?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "One minute ago." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay. And how do you feel?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Angry." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All right. Did he hit you?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Did you cry?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Did you feel like crying?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm just gonna write \"held back tears.\"" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wait, stop writing that. That is not true." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "If you stop crying, I'll stop writing it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm not cr-- uhh!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I deserved that promotion, not Jim. Oh, man. Makes me want to put him in a triangle choke hold and force him down to the ground and just keep pressing and pressing. And then flip him over and then put him in a hammer lock! And he's gasping, he's panting! Every last breath! And the crowd is going crazy. And boom! I emerge victorious! [claps hands and stands up] Aha! $18,000 and a chance at the title! Ooh hah!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[at the door] Dwight, Jim wants you to keep it down." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Everyone, now would be a good time to freshen up, because I'd like everyone to meet in the conference room in five minutes. And I suggest that you bring a snack, because we may be in there for a while." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Michael..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Can I talk to you in my office for a second?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mmm, sure, but could I first talk to you in my office?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Can I also be a boss?" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Look, it doesn't take a genius to know that any organization thrives when it has two leaders. Go ahead, name a country that doesn't have two presidents. A boat that sets sail without two captains. Where would Catholicism be without the popes?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I have noticed that we--" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Welcome." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thank you. I've noticed we've been having a lot of conference room meetings." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mm-hmm." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And I'm wondEring if perhaps those are a bit, um--" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Disruptive." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I don't think they are. I think the meetings are very important." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, maybe we should talk specifics." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Let's do." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay. Yesterday, we had a meeting about planets." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "N-- well, to be fair, Jim... James... Jimothy... To be fair, Jimothy, the-- ah, that sounds weird. Are you okay with being called Jim?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I am." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright. Jim, to be fair, the conversation wasn't about planets..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Right." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "At first, we were talking about introducing a line of toilet paper. And what part of the human body does one use toilet paper upon? So you draw a line from there to the other planets, and I think by the end, we all learned a little bit about how small we are." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes, I agree." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Because it's a big universe, and we're all just little, tiny specks of dust." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I just think that maybe they're eating large amounts of the day." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what eats a large amount of the day are naps. You go to sleep, it's light out, you wake up, it's dark. That's the whole day. Where did that day go? I have no idea." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You mean on a weekend?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "How about this? I think our goal should be we don't have meetings unless they're absolutely essential." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright. No more meetings this week." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Really? You just agreed to that?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I can be very suprising." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "What's going on?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I need to fit into my wedding dress. However, I'm also pregnant." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "You know, it's a myth that women have to gain more than nine pounds in a pregnancy. Look at these actresses. Some of them lose weight." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Hey, did you guys register for wedding gifts?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We did, but mostly because people expect us to. We're also accepting other gifts not on the registry... However much." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's awkward asking people for money, but we could really use it. Why doesn't Crate & Barrel let you register for a toaster full of cash?" } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Perfect. I hate registries." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, good." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "My cousin makes the most amazing romantic birdhouse mailboxes. I know I shouldn't tell you, but you'll still be suprised when you see it. You're not registered for a birdhouse, are you?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, we're not." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Good. Good." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mm-hmm?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[walks in, see's Oscar, Stanley, Creed and Kelly sitting in Michaels office] Okay, I thought I saw people missing." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, just focus-grouping a product expansion idea to these folks. Got one of each." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Really? Hey, Stanley, what was the last thing Michael said before I came through the door?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Stanley, you don't need to answer that." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Stanley?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "\"If you don't smell this, you're fired.\"" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, Michael, I thought we agreed to not take up people's time with meetings like these." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What do you mean by \"these people\"?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Michael, this is a conference room meeting." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, hey, everybody, I think that Jim has gone insane, because he thinks that my office is a conference room." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's not what I meant." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Listen, Jim, no offense, but when push comes to shove, what I want is more important that what you want." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I disagree." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What do you guys think? [all start talking at the same time]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Great. Guys, can I just have a moment alone with Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, no, you don't need to go anywhere. Anything that Jim has to say to me, he can say in front of these types of people." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That is not what I said, and, also, I am co-manager, meaning you are not the only manager anymore. I am also I co-manager." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That is not what Wallace told us." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's exactly what Wallace told us." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That is not the way I heard it." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I love rivalries-- Michael or Jim, Paris or Nicole, Heidi or L.C. It's so much fun. But I guess if I'm really thinking about it and answEring your question honestly, I'd have to go with L.C. Heidi's a bad friend, and her skin is terrible." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "It is one thing, me giving you the co-manager title. It is another thing, you bossing me around." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm not bossing you around. I'm trying to do my job, which is sharing your job, so maybe we should just call David Wallace." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, no. No, we will not call David Wallace. [Michael pulls out his cell phone] I will call David Wallace." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "David Wallace is on line two for you guys." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Or David Wallace will call us on line two. Why don't we just--" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, David. You got Jim here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey David, this is Michael, senior co-manager." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Hey guys, um, I'm calling, because, unfortunately, we will not be able to give out cost of living raises this year, and I know people expect it. However, there just is only a small amount of money for each branch, so we're leaving it up to the managers to decide how to distribute it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Got it, Dave. Sounds like your classice big-picture decision." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Which will clearly affect the day-to-day well-being of our employees." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "It's probably a little of both." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Which is it more of?" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Excuse me?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "David, I know that I'm very new at this, but I have a very good perspective on how things work." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Wait, I'm sorry. Michael, are you-- are you texting me?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I thought maybe we could talk after this is over." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Look, I need you both to take care of this. This is not going to be a problem, is it?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nope, not at all." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, it will not be. I am on top of it." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Very good." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright, thanks alot, David." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Talk to you later-- [Jim hangs up] Okay, you didn't let me say good-bye. [sighs, and claps hands once] Alright, I am looking forward to this." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You don't have to lie." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I hate the fact that we have to do this together. I think we work better separately. When I am irritated and I look at you, I don't see you anymore." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Right." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All I can see is how big and gross the pores on your nose are." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright. Let's get started." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "Hey, why haven't we ever, um..." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "We have." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know, there's no easy way to do this. I say we add 1.5% to their paychecks and don't say anything about it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Do you mean, like break-in in the middle of the night and change the numbers on payroll?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, we can do it during the day. It doesn't have to be that dramatic, Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay. You know what would help is a pros and cons list for our options." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jim, don't take this the wrong way. Are you gonna take this the wrong way?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It's hard to tell so far." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You use your brain too much." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm sorry, are you advocating that I use it less?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sometimes the smartest people don't think at all." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You just came up with that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "As I was saying it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah. Okay, so for the 1.5% increase, pro-- everyone gets a little bit." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[in nerdy voice] Con-- you look like a nerd." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Con-- no one gets as much as they did last year." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pro-- you get to share your pros and cons list with the other nerds." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Pro-- no favoritism." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Con-- you unzip your pants, and you find that there's a calculator down there." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I've been studying Michael for years, and I've condensed what I've learned into this chart-- [pulls out a pie chart] How Michael spends his time. As you can see, we have procrastinating and distracting others, and this tiny sliver here is critical thinking. I made it bigger, so that you could see it." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hey, Pam, I heard that you were registered, but I didn't hear where." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't think we registered anywhere. We just want cash." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Like money? Like you-- you want my money?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Mm-hmm." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Will you take a check?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Cool. In the memo line, I'm gonna write, \"To love's eternal glory.\"" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Wait til' Monday." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Is this what I've become? Materialistic? Shallow? I feel horrible. [looks down at the check] oh look! \"Mrs. Pam Halpert!\" That's the first time I've seen it in writing!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know, the more I think about it, the more I think we should give it to the salesmen." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That will not go over well." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I know. I just think it seems smart to keep the salesmen happy right now. 'Course I know that this might come off as biased, so you know what? Let us..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, my God! Are you gonna make another pro and con list? I'm gonna kill myself." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm not gonna let you stop me from thinking." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No! I could not do that, Jim. I can see it in your crusty little eyes that you are going to make everything perfect. If I can just think this through, if I could just think it exactly right, I can make this perfect, and then I can go down every avenue, and every avenue off of that avenue, and then another avenue." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And then another--" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Look, you have a lot of strengths." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, I do?! Tell me what they are." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I think that you are able to take constructive criticism very well." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ha! That-- I am not known for that!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "But there is a reason why I'm here!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes! You went over my head to Wallace!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, it's because you also have a lot of weaknesses, Michael!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. Well, why don't you tell me what those are, Jim? Why don't you enliven me?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I don't think you're good at making tough decisions!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "At thinking out the options, and then stating that decision very clearly, especially when it's an unpopular decision." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, here's a tough decision for you. You suck! You suck! Is that clear enough for you?!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "But maybe I'm here for a reason, because I might have some good ideas, too. I've been sitting out there, and I've been learning a lot, and maybe I can just bring something different to the table." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, Skippy, here we go. Why don't you run yourself out there and tell them? [laughs] You call it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[leave the conference room to address everyone]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[to the camera] This had better be terrible." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Could I have everyone's attention, please? I have some tough news, so I'm just gonna give it to you straight. Truth is, we only have so much money for raises this year, so the simple fact is some people will get raises, and some people won't. Now, what we've decided is, we are gonna give those raises to the sales staff." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Wait. Seriously?!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Look, you guys are smart, so I'm just leveling with you. I'm just trying to treat you like adults." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Thank you, Jim, for thinking that we're smart people." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "But, I do not understand. If we're such smart adults, then why don't we get raises?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Excellent question, genius. It's because Jim wants to give the raises to his friends and the people he sleeps with." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ooh, easy. That's not it at all." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Well?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Really what it is, is about the money the sales staff brings into the office." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[walks in from shopping, with bags in her hands] What's going on?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Jim is only giving raises to the salesmen." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "What the hell?! Why are you being such a jerk?!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Hold on, Kelly. Would it help you to know that Jim thinks you're smart?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "No! [put's down her bags] How is that gonna repair Ryan's car?!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "This is ridiculous! How could he do this to us?!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, Dwight, you know what? You'd be getting the raise so--" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What about all these people, huh?! How is it fair to them?!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Exactly!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Totally!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "We work just as hard as the sales people. We deserve raises." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yes. They don't get 'em, if we don't get 'em!" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "My kid needs shoes! You want to tell him he doesn't get shoes?!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Her kid needs shoes, Jim!" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "What the hell?! [everyone complaining at Jim]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow! I'm just gonna rewind and back off a bit, so... [imitates a tape rewinding and chuckles, Michael comes over by Jim laughing]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That was good! That was good! Okay, all right. Well, we all know it's hard to be a boss, right? You know what? Look around you. These are your best friends. These are the people who will open their hearts to you. They all have heart-ons for you [someone growns in disgust], and that is a gift. So in terms of gifts, we should be giving each other gifts. Angela, yes, lend Oscar a cup of sugar. This--" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "What are you talking about Michael?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "We just need to hear your plan for our raise." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "My plan-- a man-- panama." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That's not how that goes." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "You're not saying anything. At least Jim was being direct..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thank you, Meredith." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "...when he was telling us his dumbass plan." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "We would just like to know what's happening. Are we getting a raise, yes or no?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright! Let me get this clear! Does everybody want a raise? [all say yes] Alright, everyone wants a raise, so what we're going to do is go into here, and we will not come out until we do." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Again, that gives us no information." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "This isn't a game, you know? It's our livelihood!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "What about a raise based on merit?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Rank each person individually?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mm-hmm. Piece of cake. Ryan, obviously the best." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[sarcastically] Well, obviously. Too bad he's a temp and doesn't count, so let's get started. [starts to write on a piece of paper]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Are you making a--" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nope. I'm numbering the paper." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[everyone talking to the camera] Just--" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah, I don't understand how they can even consider giving money to some people and not the rest of us." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "It's not like we're not gonna see the checks. We're in accounting!" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I am so pissed at this company!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[out the side of his mouth] And Jim!" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Yeah. Who said that?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I think it was Creed." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Yep." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[to camera] It's going really well, actually." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[to camera, holds up a bean] Each Boston Baked Bean represents half a percent raise. We each got 24 beans, so the idea is, you place the bean on the picture [walking around the table] of who you think deserv-- who's that? [picture that Michael drew of toby, looks like a monster]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Toby." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "He's not a part of this. You know that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just wanted to draw a picture of him." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, your move." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright! Who to pick? [walking around the table] Who to pick?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Here we go." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I... will skip a turn." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, you're gonna still have to play that bean. You know that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I need more time." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Wallace sent an e-mail about a meeting next week. He wants you both to respond. [Michael and Jim leave, Dwight sneaks in]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "People are starting to notice how terrible Jim is. It's great. Eventually, they'll rise up and revolt. My only hope is that they do it sooner rather than later. If the people here were our founding fathers, the Revolutionary War would have been delayed ten years, because Stanley Washington was napping, and Phyllis Hancock was still signing the declaration, and Kevin Jefferson was distracted by a butterfly." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Come on in. [everyone looking around at all the pictures and beans on the table] That's right. Come in, feast your eyes. They determine our worth by putting beans upon our faces." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What the hell?!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Things were not this bad when just Michael was manager." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, what are you guys doing in here?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "What does a bean mean?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Why aren't there any beans on this very old, frizzy-haired picture of me?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Michael, what does a bean mean?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Jim?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I was just trying to be unbiased." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "What does a bean mean?!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Someone please explain it to Kevin." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Why can't you? My time is just as valuable as yours." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Not according to the beans." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "This is how you make this important decision?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "There's no way that Stanley gets more beans than me. [starts to take Stanley's beans, Stanley swats Andy's hand with his crossword puzzle] That is ridiculous. This is how it works. [everyone continues to argue]" } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "It's not so much that I might not get a raise. It's just demeaning!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Thank you! That is exactly-- by the way, I would also like a raise." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yeah, I would, too." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Are we idiots? [gets up, starts walking around] What right does Jim have to claim authority, hmm? Is he as good a salesman as I? Is he as matronly as Phyllis? There are moments where we can affect change. For a few seconds every decade, we exist, and these are those seconds! Let us storm his castle! Come on! Tick-- let's get him. Tock-- let's get Jim! Tick-- and drag Jim out of his office! Tock-- take his keys away from him! Tick-- that's a clock! The time is getting very close! It's now or never! What say you?!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I say no." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, I mean, what do you say to my plan? [all groan] Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[leaving his office, hurrying to Jim's office]" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "What does a bean mean?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[in Jim's office] How you doing?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh, on a scale of one to ten, I'd say I'm about a four." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, what are you usually?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Six. You?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Usually a ten, but I'm feeling like a zero." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I mean, a performance-based raise sounded like a good idea, right?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know, I know." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "We tried to find the fairest way to do it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, we did." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I just-- what?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um, nothing. I just... I used to have to do this part alone, and it was the worst. I have something I would like to give you. [leaves office]" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Michael!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Michael!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Come on! This isn't fair!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[to camera] Michael's my only friend left in the office. Except Pam... I think. Is she still upset?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "[at Michael return to Jim's office] Michael, you cannot just keep avoiding us like this!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Michael give Jim a \"World's Best Boss\" mug] Thank you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're welcome." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What's in here?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Gin. [toast, sip]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ooh!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[someone knocks] Just pretend we're not here." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Heard you guys are looking for cash for the wedding?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, I mean, if it's all the same for you." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Question for you. Would you guys rather have $100 now, or $5,000 a year from now?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "$100 now for sure." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Because you just give me $50 to cover the broker fee, I put in a hundred of my own money as the gift..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah. No, no, I'll um-- the hundred. I'll just take the hundred." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Instead of $5,000 a year from now?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "How sure is this?" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "The guy has an algorithm to determine the winner of any given college basketball game." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[writes a check, gives to Ryan] Don't tell Jim." } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm sorry. You guys have probably noticed my stomach's a little more sensitive lately. So, if you wouldn't mind wearing a little less perfume... and if your lunch is especially pungent, maybe have it in the break room?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "We would really appreciate it." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Pam is constantly throwing up because of the pregnancy. If she eats something the fetus doesn't like she is screwed. It's amazing. A three ounce fetus is calling the shots. It's so bad ass." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Phyllis, if you could switch to a different soap, just for a month or two? Yours is kind of perfumy." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Now this is getting ridiculous." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, gee, I'm sorry. I guess I missed the meeting where we all all voted for you to get pregnant. No! I reserve the right to peel my hard-boiled eggs at my desk." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "All morning I look forward to my afternoon cigars and I'm not stopping for anyone." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I don't think I'm asking for too much. I guess it's just the end of courtesy in the workplace." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[Dwight peels a hard-boiled egg at his desk, sniffs it and takes a bite; Pam stares at him, picks up her trash can and pukes into it] Watching people get sick always makes me sick. And... frankly so does talking about it. So... wow... [Andy, Phyllis, Meredith, Erin, Oscar and Angela all proceed to throw up in various places while Creed looks on eating a bowl of noodles; Dwight stares shocked; Pam wipes her mouth with a satisfied look]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[standing next to a car decorated for leaving a wedding] What do you think? I spent all morning on it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It is really special." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, but aren't you supposed to do that to our... no. It's great." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's just a really important day for me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, congrats." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thanks." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Dunder Mifflin Scranton will be closed today and Friday for a company wedding in Niagara Falls. So, please leave a message and we'll get back to you as soon as possible. Have a great day." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Believe it or not, Kevin, fire crackers are in the don't column." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "So... you're going to provide them, then?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No. This is a fire cracker free wedding." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "What the hell?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Come on. You've got to be kidding me." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ok. All of these things are important to remember but the most important thing is no one say anything about my pregnancy at the wedding." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Absolutely. 'Cause not everyone knows and some people may be offended." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Decent people everywhere will get offended." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, we're thinking of my grandmother who we haven't told and is very old-fashioned." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Well, you're lucky you have a grandmother. Some of us have to be our own grandmothers." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's nice." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You know, Angela, you don't have to come to the wedding." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Really, Pam..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes she does. Yes she does. We're all gonna go and we're gonna have a good time. [hugs Angela]" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Ow! He pinched me!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Next time we're all in this room Jim and I will be married." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "We'll see." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thank you, Dwight." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Good-bye." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "See you later. [others say good-bye]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And, hey, don't embarrass me when we go to Niagara." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What happens in Niagara, stays in Niagara. [laughter]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Don't. Don't. Don't. You stole my joke. Don't steal my joke." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No... I didn't steal your joke." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes. I said that yesterday." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "But you can say that about anything." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What happens in accounting, stays in accounting." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. No. No. Please, please. Dwight, that's my joke." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's easy. That's what I'm saying." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "This is what I'm talking about. When we leave here and go up to Niagara Falls we are representing Dunder Mifflin, everyone. This is a very important wedding for the branch. The most important wedding until I get married. So, I want you all on your best behavior or so help me, God. So... I will see you up there in Viagra Falls!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam and Jim's wedding will be the single best pick up destination in the history of the universe." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I stole the guest list from Jim's desk and I search engined every female on both sides of the family." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Get out of here." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, my God, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "For instance, Pam's cousin, Jocelyn Webster." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "There's... a name." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Two years ago she was selling a mountain bike." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh. Well, tell me about Jocelyn." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well... she was really into mountain biking but not so much lately." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "She had a couple hundred dollars to spend, I mean, if she was able to sell her bike." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Is that all you have on her?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, if this is in fact her because it is a very common name." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're an idiot." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "People don't think of me as one of the sharper dressers in the office... but I'm going ot turn that around at this wedding. I thought, how could I take it to the next level? The hair. [Angela beeps her car horn.] It's the hair-- [beeps again.] Ok. Ok. I'm going. [long beep] God." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[in Andy's car, Andy driving] Hey, do one of you guys want to sit up front with me so I have someone to talk to? It's like a five hour drive-ish, you know." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "This is so much cooler. We feel like wer're in a limo and you're our driver." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Mmm-hmm. Erin?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh no. That wouldn't be fair to leave Kelly alone in back." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Not only is Erin really sweet and cute... she smell's like my mom." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[in car] Hey, my aunt told me something neat." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "She said everything with the wedding goes by so fast we should try to take mental pictures of the high points." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, wow. That's cool." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[aims imaginary camera at Pam] Click. Oh, you blinked. Damn it. Now that's in my brain forever." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Lousy Picture." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "We should have hired a professional to take our mental pictures." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[in car, Michael driving] Oh! God! Wow! Oh. I was asleep." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What? No way!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Those glasses are super dark." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh. God." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright. We need some tunes, I think." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You know what? I made you a cd..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You did?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Mmm-hmm." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That was nice of you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "This is to play when you bring a woman back to your hotel room." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, very thoughtful. A little mix to set the mood. Delightful. Pop that in." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You're gonna like this. [Dwight's voice on the cd] \"Hello. This is Dwight Schrute. If you are listening to this you are a lucky woman Michael has seduced. Ah to be in your shoes. 'What's next?', you're probably wondering. Don't be scared of you're night in heaven--\" [Michael turns off cd]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Are you serious? You want me to play that for a woman coming to my room?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah. It's practical." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. No. That's not how it works." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Niagara Falls used to be, like, a spiritual experience for people. They stayed in tents and it blew their minds. It's really kitchy now, which is a lot of fun." } ], [ { "character": "Front Desk Clerk", "line": "Halpert..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And Beesly. Tonight we're in two seperate rooms and tomorrow night is the honeymoon suite." }, { "character": "Front Desk Clerk", "line": "Great." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I know. We're pretty excited, too." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Can we take a look at the suite now?" }, { "character": "Front Desk Clerk", "line": "Oh, I'm sorry. Somebody just checked in." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh... is there another wedding at the hotel this weekend?" }, { "character": "Front Desk Clerk", "line": "Oh, no. Just an individual. That man over there." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey. I got the room the night before you guys. I'll break in the bed. [laughs]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I don't like that." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm gonna need the name and cell phone number of the housekeeper responsible for changing the sheets, please." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hello. Reservation for Michael Scott." }, { "character": "Front Desk Clerk", "line": "One moment while I check." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The proximity to the falls makes everything smell like a basement." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mmm-hmm." }, { "character": "Front Desk Clerk", "line": "I'm sorry, sir, but I'm not seeing you in here. When did you make your reservation?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't have a reservation but I want a room in the Halpert-Beesly block of rooms." }, { "character": "Front Desk Clerk", "line": "Oh, ok. Unfortunately, sir, the block only applies to the rate. I'm afraid we're all sold out." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Dwight Schrute. I have a reservation. Confirmation number: Romeo. Tango. G7745." }, { "character": "Front Desk Clerk", "line": "Yes. Schrute." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And I had spoken to Teresa about a room with two safes?" }, { "character": "Front Desk Clerk", "line": "Sure. No problem." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ok." }, { "character": "Front Desk Clerk", "line": "Here's your key, Mr. Schrute." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight. Dwight, Dwight. I need to stay in your room." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No way. What if I meet someone?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm staying in your-- Come on, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No. No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I would do the same for you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You would?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes... just go--" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wait a second. Oh. No, no, no. This must be some kind of mistake. This reservation seems to be under an M. Scott. This must be yours." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh. Thank God." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh no. Now that I don't have a room, can I stay with you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um... no. And you know what? I would say yes but you can't. And I'll tell you why." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Please?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "If I have a woman up there and things are getting amorous, she's going to get turned off if she looks in he bathroom and sees you brushing your teeth with butter and clay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Mmm-hmm." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ok. Ok. A-ha-ha! [rips reservation out of Michael's hand] That was a test. You have failed. For this is my room. You would not share with me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't have a room?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No you do not." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok. 'Oooh. You must pass the dungeon wisdom test.'" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It worked." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jerk." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "When Mary was denied a room at the inn... Jesus was born. When Michael was denied a room at the inn, we don't know what happens because that story hasn't been told yet." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Mr. and Mrs. Stanley Hudson." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey. Stanley? Can I stay in your room tonight?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Are you crazy? I brought Cynthia with me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Not in the same bed. In the other bed." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I got one queen size bed." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You... are... kidding me." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "A queen size bed is five feet wide. I am not five feet wide, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm not a physics major, Stanley. I'm just saying be careful. Hey, guys. Hey. Could I stay in your room tonight?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh. Gross." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Blow my brains out." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's rude." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Michael, I have one extra twin bed, if you want." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You are going to be slepping by yourself for the rest of your life, so you just get used to it." } ], [ { "character": "Mr. Halpert", "line": "So, which one is Pam's grandma?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, Mema? She's the one in the teal suit. She's the only 80 year old with no smile wrinkles." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dad, remember, no mention of the baby, right?" }, { "character": "Mr. Halpert", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's very conservative. So, mum's the word." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mom, Dad. This is Michael Scott." }, { "character": "Mr. Halpert", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "How ya doin'?" }, { "character": "Mr. Halpert", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nice to meet you." }, { "character": "Mr. Halpert", "line": "Nice to meet you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Who's doing a toast? I would like to go third. Sort of bat clean up and--" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Michael, I thought we discussed that we would rather you not speak, like, at all. Because it's just going to be blood relatives, I think." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[talking quietly, trying not to move his lips]That is seriously going to impeed my ability to hook up with your female relatives." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Pretty sure everyone heard that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Didn't move my lips." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, Mema." }, { "character": "Mema", "line": "I wasn't sure about your branch of the family. After I heard about your parent's divorce. But you and Jim are just perfect. God bless you." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh. Thank you... but nobody's perfect." }, { "character": "Mema", "line": "Well... I wouldn't care to live if I thought that." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mr. Beesly. How are ya?" }, { "character": "Mr. Beesly", "line": "I'd like you to meet Christy Kelly." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh. Is this, uh, is this your niece?" }, { "character": "Mr. Beesly", "line": "[laughs] No no. She's my girlfriend. Hey? Can you make room at the head table?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "From quarter three to quarter four up 17 percent, while his sales down two percent. It's all in the report." }, { "character": "Little Girl", "line": "Why would they make the bad man a boss if you're so much smarter?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Excellent question. Because while I was busy trying to improve the company and make it a success, Jim... the bad man was busy kissing the boss man's butt." }, { "character": "Kids", "line": "Ewwww!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's right. It is ew. It is very ew." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oscar, Kevin, this is my sister, Penny. She's also my maid of honor." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Pleased to meet you." }, { "character": "Penny", "line": "I'm sorry, it's Kevin. I thought it was Gil?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "She thought I was your boyfriend." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You thought I was dating this? What the hell is wrong with you?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oscar, it was an honest mistake." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Him? Him?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oscar, I would be proud to date you." }, { "character": "Penny", "line": "I'm sorry." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I'm not gay. I'm Kevin." }, { "character": "Penny", "line": "Nice to meet you, Kevin." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You owe me and apology." }, { "character": "Penny", "line": "I'm so sorry." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Are you seeing anyone right now?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "She has a boyfriend. He's out of town." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Cool." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[to a girl sitting next to him] I was the youngest VP in the company history." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "More recently, he worked in a bowling alley. Tell her one of your funny bowling alley stories." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Um... also--" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "How did Meredith get put at the young people's table?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "She probably switched cards with someone. Like I did with Erin." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What? You're kid-- That's-- You're--" } ], [ { "character": "Isabel", "line": "Jim and Pam, I can't tell you how happy I am to be here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Head table, where I belong." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's just for family." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, who's that one?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Isabel Poreba. Oh, I've got stuff on her. [laughs] In 1996 her tenth grade volleyball team went 10-2." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What am I supposed to do with that, Dwight?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's a very good record." } ], [ { "character": "Pete", "line": "Alright, so I'll be like, 'You're so sweet guys and so kind'." }, { "character": "Tom", "line": "That's when I'll do the face, like-" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Like, 'What? What?'. And then we'll just give him a little punch in the back and--" }, { "character": "Tom", "line": "A noogie?" }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "You know what? Never too married for a noogie." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "They have hilarious material and they are going to totally deliver it wrong. I would kill with the brother stuff. It should be me... up there. It should be me and Pete, not Pete and Tom." } ], [ { "character": "Tom", "line": "Pam, you've got the greatest smile and you're body is really fine." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Smoking." }, { "character": "Tom", "line": "Hoping it'll make our wives take it up a notch." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "A little mo' cardio." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's not appropriate. Hello. Hi, everybody. I promised I wasn't gonna make a toast and I'm not going to. Just going to do a little free standing comedy and if at the end everybody wants to raise their glasses to Pam and Jim, then so be it. Hey, what is the deal with the Smart Car? How smart is that? Those things are tiny. Can you even drive them in traffic? 'I'm so smart. E=mc... squared. I drive a Smart Car.' That's not smart in my book. The real smart car is Kitt from Knight Rider." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Knight Rider." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's a car that can talk. Can Smart Car talk? Nope." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's not smart. And also, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. [no one is laughing]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Very smart." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And... you... everybody can laugh. It doesn't have to just be the idiots. Everybody can laugh." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah. Go ahead." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright. Hey, everyone. Thanks for coming." }, { "character": "Pete", "line": "Douche." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Aw, thanks, Pete. That was really nice. I just want to say how happy we are that all of you are here tonight. And I want to especially thank those of you who traveled from far away to be here with us tonight... especially the Flordia cousins who, obviously, can't take a hint. [laughter] Four years ago, I was just a guy who had a crush on a girl who had a boyfriend. And I had to do the hardest thing that I've ever had to do... which was just to wait. Uh, don't get me wrong. I flirted with her. Pam, I can now admit in front of my friends and family that I do know how to make a photo copy. Didn't need your help that many times. And do you remember how long it took you to teach me how to drive a stick?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Like... a year." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I've been driving stick since high school. So... yes. For a really long time that's all I had. I just had little moments with a girl who saw me as friend. And a lot of people told me I was crazy to wait this long for a date with a girl who I worked with, but I think even then I knew that... I was waiting for my wife. So... I would like to propose a toast. So if you'd all raise your glasses. Not Pam, for obvious reasons, but everyone else. If you would raise your glasses--" }, { "character": "Mema", "line": "What's obvious? Why can't Pam drink?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Pam can't drink? I didn't-- I shouldn't have said that. I don't know why I did. She can do whatever she wants, though she shouldn't. She shouldn't because she's an alcoholic. Pam is an alcoholic. That's not true. I-- no. What we want-- the real reason is that, that Pam's pregnant." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[clears throat] Ok. Ok. Hey. What I think Jim is trying to say is that... they had an accident and you know what? These two people, they're living together, they're having lots of consentual sex--" }, { "character": "Mema", "line": "They were living together?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes. Yes they were living together. Yes and you know what? You can't expect them to be careful every time. Because, frankly, it's just a different sensation." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "When you c-- well? Am I wrong? They say it's not different, but it's a different sensation." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, my God. Please." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "When you use something to block-- I think everybody knows what I am talking about. It's not necessarily different for the woman--" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "...but it's different for the-- ok. Ok." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael. Stop." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright. My point is I said what I wanted to say and Mema, I hope you heard every word." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "To waiting." }, { "character": "Everyone", "line": "[quiet and scattered] To waiting." } ], [ { "character": "Mema", "line": "I should have known. The hotels television set had a movie on called \"Bruno\" last night. The remote control had so darn many buttons on it, I couldn't turn it off. So I had to just sit there while it happened to me. I wondered, 'How could they pick such a hotel?' Hmmm. Now I know." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Mema." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "That was a little touch and go at first but I think we saved it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I can't believe it was me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know. I can't believe it was you, either. I actually think it takes a lot of pressure off of me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Is there something about being a manager that makes you say stupid things?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I have not found that to be the case." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, smooth guys." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm so sorry." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Can you believe it? He screwed up, not me." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Mema's not coming to the wedding. She's leaving tomorrow morning." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, my God. Are you serious?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "There's gonna be a free room?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hi, Mema. It's Michael." }, { "character": "Mema", "line": "Oh. You're that foul guy that kept talking about intercourse." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes. Yep. One in the same. May I?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am actually great with old women. In fact, for the longest time, my best friend was my grandma... and then she met Harriet and now she thinks she's better than everybody." } ], [ { "character": "Mema", "line": "I want to go to bed but I can't. I can't turn that television off." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh. Ok. Well... hook you up, there. [turns off tv]" }, { "character": "Mema", "line": "Oh. Thank you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're welcome." }, { "character": "Mema", "line": "It was that horrible Charlie Rose." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh. Isn't he terrible? May I? Here's the thing. Umm... Mema, I think you just need to chill out about this whole Pam getting pregnant thing. It's not 1890 anymore. It's modern day. And women have sex before marriage and I think we need to celebrate that. And I know in your day she would be considered a whore but, now, women go out and they have sex and they get wild and they take their tops off and they have pictures taken of them and we need to encouage them. That's part of life." }, { "character": "Mema", "line": "People are like cats and dogs these days." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Exactly." }, { "character": "Mema", "line": "This used to be such a great country." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know." }, { "character": "Mema", "line": "I don't know what happened to it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "They're gonna name the baby after you, you know. They're gonna call it Mema." }, { "character": "Mema", "line": "You mean, Sylvia." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, and if it's a boy they will call it Sylvio." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Partay. Room 639." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yes!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Chicks are gonna be off the hook. Guys, too, Oscar. Like Calvin Klein models." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "That sounds epic. Can we bring anything?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Nothing. Except $40 for beer and any hot chicks you know. 'Cause that would help me deliver on some promises I made. Woo!" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "No one from the office has been to a real Bernard throw down." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "If I was girl, I would seriously reconsdier coming to this party. But don't tell anyone that I said that, 'cause I want them to come." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "And where do you think you're going?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I was just going to go down to the hotel bar for a little bit." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Well, why don't I just save you some time and kick you in the stomach instead?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I just wanted to get out of my room for a little while." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Mmm-hmm. Ok. I'll go with you. Come on." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[sighs] Nevermind." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Are you sure?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "It'll be fun." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "What are you wearing?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What? It's a casual, social outfit." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Looks like you're going to a fish fry, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No. They're howling at the moon. It's suggestive to women because of the howling during sex." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok. [Dwight howls] That's not appropriate. [Dwight continues howling] Uncool. Uncool, Dwight. [they both howl] Ok. Ok. Come on. Let's go. [both howl as they exit]" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "It's a good idea." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "It's not a good idea. There's no such thing as a good hairpiece." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah. But that's easy enough for you to say, Oscar. You have that thick, beautiful, Chicano hair. So nice." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm just worried about the farm, ya know? Mose hates to geld the horses by himself." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Dwight, Dwight. Shut up about the farm. It's not relatable. Nobody owns a farm." }, { "character": "Isabel", "line": "Wait. You're worried about your horses? That's cool. How many horses do you have?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Nine and three-quarters." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I invented a device called 'Burger on the Go'. It allows you to obtain 6 regular size hamburgers, or 12 sliders, from a horse without killing the animal. George Foreman is still considering it. Sharper Image is still considering it. Sky Mall's considering it. Hammacher Schlemer is still considering it. Sears said, 'No'." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[talking to an attractive woman] Toy Story, Finding Nemo, Up. I ball the entire time. I can not watch Pixar." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Drop this one. Abort." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I found twins." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, my God. Twins. I'm sorry. You understand. Nice to meet you." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Aren't they magnificent?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "They're men, Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I love finding a good set of twins." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Something is wrong with you." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "[everyone is dancing] Go Meredith. Nice moves." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You call that a robot? Try being more robotic, ok? Like this." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Lame! What else you got, Andy?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "How about a little bit of this." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh yeah. What else you got?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "What else you got?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Did someone change my name to Baskin Robbin? Because I feel like a banana split. Woo! [Andy does a split and screams out in pain]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "What else you got?" } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "It's gonna be fine. It's gonna be fine. Pam's here. [knocks on Pam's door] Pam? [knocks again]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I was dancing and I did a split and I landed on my car keys in my pocket." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I tore my scrotum. I need you to take me to the hospital." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Andy, I am getting married in 8 hours." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Everyone else is too drunk. Just don't let me die here." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[on the phone] Hey, hey! Where are you? Can you take Andy to the hospital?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[over phone] What?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "He tore his scrotum dancing." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[over phone] What?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "He is in my room icing his balls." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[over phone] What?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Please stop saying what. Can you take him?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Look, I would so take him in any other circumstance, but I'm pretty certain I'm completely wasted." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Your brothers took you out drinking?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[over phone] Is that Pam? Hey, have her come out! Have her come out! It would be like Coyote Ugly." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That's Michael. You're out with Michael?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[over phone] And Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[over phone] Hey-O!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Pam, it just happened." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay, fine. I'll take him." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I love you. Okay, I gotta--I gotta go!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[over phone] I love you! [laughs]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Are you pushing me off the phone?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No. Let's talk for a long time." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Goodbye. [hangs up phone]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mmm! It's after midnight. [points at Jim]" }, { "character": "Michael & Dwight", "line": "You're married. [hugs Jim] He's married!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Congratulations." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's not how that works." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh my goodness." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh my God. You're not going to be able to talk back." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You'll have Pam to answer to." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "She'll be sitting home saying, \"Jim... take the baby to the zoo cause I want to sit at home and eat bon-bons.\" [Dwight laughs] \"And... and clip my toenails.\"" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "\"Jim... hey why don't you braid my hair. I want to watch TV.\"" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Now you sound like Kermit." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Are you sure this is the right way?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Nope. I, like you, have never been here before." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well, at least slow down a little bit because every little bump in the road is major pain on... my scrotum." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Look, I'm not the one who asked you to do a split when you've never done one before." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I was trying to liven things up a little bit. I was kinda doing your job so--" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "My job? My job is to get married in the morning. That's my job." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well it's also to make sure that we have a great time at your stupid wedding, so--" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[Pam swerves the car back and forth] Ow, ow!" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[snickers] I spent the night with the bride the night before the wedding. Ah yeah. She stepped on my hand on her way to the bathroom." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Andy, did I dream that you were crying through the night?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No. No that was real." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[folding his pants on top of the ice machine, man walks in with ice bucket] Why don't you take a picture. It'll last longer. God. Can't I get a little privacy?" } ], [ { "character": "Hotel Employee", "line": "[Kevin rings bell at the front desk] Good morning. How can I help you?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I left a pair of dress shoes in a bag outside my door last night to be cleaned at polished, but they haven't been returned yet." }, { "character": "Hotel Employee", "line": "You must be Mr. Malone. One moment please." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Hotel Employee", "line": "[whispers to manager] Sir. It's the man with the shoes." }, { "character": "Hotel Manager", "line": "Mr. Malone. Your shoes are gone." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "They were stolen?" }, { "character": "Hotel Manager", "line": "No. Destroyed." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Hotel Manager", "line": "The bag was opened by our shoe shine and the smell overcame him. I too smelled them and made the choice that they must be thrown away. Incinerated actually." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "But that was my only pair of shoes." }, { "character": "Hotel Manager", "line": "It became a safety issue, sir." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Well... well damn-it." }, { "character": "Hotel Employee", "line": "I can offer you a complimentary breakfast." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[walking out of hotel room with a woman] You have everything?" }, { "character": "Isabel", "line": "Hmm-hmm." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Cell phone? Charger?" }, { "character": "Isabel", "line": "Yeah. So you sure you don't want breakfast? It's the most important meal of the day." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It really is. I'm not hungry. I ate a whole bunch of sunflower seeds after you went to sleep. And besides, I wouldn't want to take you away from Pam on the morning of her wedding. She needs you Isabel." }, { "character": "Isabel", "line": "That's really sweet, Dwight. So I'll see you at the wedding?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You know it." }, { "character": "Isabel", "line": "K. [they kiss]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, get out of here." }, { "character": "Isabel", "line": "Bye." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[passes Isabel] Hey, good morning. [to Dwight] It's about damn time. I haven't gone to the bathroom in a day and a half. [walks into hotel room] Oh my God, Dwight. This room is a pit." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[lays on bed] Really? I hadn't noticed. Too busy knocking boots." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[watching Dwight eat breakfast] How can you eat like that?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm ravenous after a night of love making. You?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, I'm hungry, but I'm not going to make a pig out of myself." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey, what was she like?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "She was cute. You know? She was hot. She was very hot. She made love like a tiger." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Brides side or grooms side? Or townie?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "She was from Europe." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No kidding." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh-huh." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I bet she had hairy armpits." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Isabel was nice, but I hope she doesn't think this is going anywhere." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wait a second. You're not into her? Are you kidding me?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "She's Pam's best friend. You guys could double date. Swap maybe?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh please. Put a gun in my mouth." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No... you're crazy." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Look. She's a dental hygienist from Carbondale and she makes love like one. She's a bumpkin. Pass." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "She's-- okay. Do you know how hard it is to be a hygienist? You have to take x-rays. You have to scrape the plaque off of people's teeth. You have to tell kids when to spit and make sure they're not scared when the dentist comes in. It-- it--" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You should ask her out." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[stands up and walks away] I already have my European girlfriend." } ], [ { "character": "Stanley", "line": "If your hat hits me in the face one more time--" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "That's funny. Your wife loved this hat the last time she saw it. [glares at Stanley's date]" } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "[sees Kevin's toupee] Oh my God." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Oh..." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oscar. Angela." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Are you in a lot of pain?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh cause of last night? No way. Reports have been exaggerated. Weddings make me very emotional. I um--I just have that side to me." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "People say you cry all the time." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well that's not--" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Crotch injuries are the worst. You don't need to tell me." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I wasn't telling you." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Is there still something there?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Excuse me?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "It didn't get torn off?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No, it didn't--nothing got torn off. Who told you that?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I may have told some people that. I'm nervous. I'm about to get married." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "If you want to sit on this-- [hands Andy her wrap] I was thinking the wood might be too hard on your damaged penis. Make it softer." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It was my scrotum. Um, and it was. Thank you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, here we go. They asked for cash, but you know... I give them cash every week, so-- how much cash does a person need? I have taken it upon myself to do something a little more special. I have painted a portrait of the two of them from memory. [holds up painting] And I have another one of them in the nude. But that one is for me." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I got them a set of turtle boiling pots, a shell hammer and bibs." } ], [ { "character": "Penny", "line": "Is it zipping over your belly? Don't squish the baby." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thank you weirdo." }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "everybody see Kristie's stupid blonde extensions? It's like they were made from a plastic broom." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay, here I come. [walks out in her wedding dress]" }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "Oh darling! You look beautiful." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thanks mom." }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "Oh, I hope he deserves you." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "He does." }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "Are you sure? Remember you don't have to do this. You don't." }, { "character": "Penny", "line": "Mom, you're totally projecting. You're being a drag." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes. Thank you, mom." }, { "character": "Isabel", "line": "Hey, I'm going to go outside and talk to Dwight." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay great. [Isabel kisses her cheek] Yeah, I'll see you in a second. [pauses] Wait, what? [tries to follow, but veil gets caught on wall and tears] Oh! Oh no!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[answers cell phone] Hey!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Can you come here please?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Is this allowed?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No. No, but I'm allowing it. Just come here." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[talking to a woman] That was an intelligent comment." }, { "character": "Isabel", "line": "Hello stranger. How do I look?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh. Fine. Isabel, [holds out hand] nice to see you. What do you want?" }, { "character": "Isabel", "line": "Um... [shakes head] nothing. Anymore." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[turns back to other woman] So, uh tell me again the difference between Filene's and Filene's basement." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[to Isabel] Hey, hey... He's not sitting with me either. Where are you sitting? You need a seat buddy?" }, { "character": "Isabel", "line": "I'm standing. I'm a bridesmaid." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, I wish I was a bridesmaid. Where am I gonna go?" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow. You look--" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Terrible." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "So beautiful. [Pam's starts to cry. Jim pulls up chair to sit next to her] Hey--" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "My veil tore. I knew when we were getting married and I'm five months pregnant that I'm not going to be able to wear the dress that I always wanted or high heels--" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[takes her hand] Hey. You look just as I imagined you would. Pam, you're so pretty." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[sighs] Thank you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And who cares? It's a stupid veil, right?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, this was the one thing I was supposed to be able to control, was this veil and-- [Jim cuts off half his tie]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "There. Now we're even. [Pam laughs and mimes taking a picture, they kiss]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[sighs] Everyone's driving me crazy. I know way too much about Andy's scrotum. [Jim chuckles] And my mom won't stop freaking out about my dad's new girlfriend. [sighs] This is supposed to be our wedding day. Why did we invite all these people?" } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "I think Pam ran away because she knew deep down she wouldn't be a good wife." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Yes." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[to Kevin who is bouncing up and down] What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I'm trying to decide if I have time to pee." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "How long do you take to pee?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "The peeing is fast, Oscar. It's getting my tie back on." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[to Pam's mom] Hey. Hi. Do you--would you have a snack in your purse? You're a mom. I just figured you might have--" }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "Oh, yeah--[hands Michael a snack]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh! Eww... apricot. Do you have any of the Very Berry or Ocean Splash or--" }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh... okay. Were you saving it?" }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "Oh, no, no, no. That's okay. I was just--I've had a very rough weekend." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm sorry. [puts food in his mouth] Ugh. Apricot. Made of real apes." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "Do you think they canceled the wedding?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Relax. You'll get your shot at Jim. Those two treat the whole office like a 1970's key party." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "my weekend was bad so far." }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "Oh--" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I came here hoping to meet somebody. You know, as you do at weddings. End up going to sleep by the vending machine. It was loud, but it was warm." }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "Oh that sounds awful." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And... and the love of my life is dating somebody else." }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "Oh--" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It is a terrible year for love." }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "Yeah. Guess it is." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm thinking about having my sperm frozen." }, { "character": "Tom Halpert", "line": "Excuse me, are you Michael Scott?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um, yeah." }, { "character": "Tom", "line": "Heard you might have a whoopee cushion on you." }, { "character": "Pete Halpert", "line": "Sisters in the can and we totally want to get her when she comes back." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, wow. That sounds hilarious. I do actually. [pulls whoopee cushion out of pocket and hands it to them] There you go. Use it in good health." }, { "character": "Tom & Pete", "line": "[laughing] Yes!" } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. What is the etiquette on taking the gifts? Can you only take your own back or is it a whatever you can carry type of thing?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Anyone have anything they want to trade for a toaster?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh, oh, does it have slots for hot dogs?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Who would want it?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Guys, maybe we should wait a little more time before we start grabbing boxes." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Toby." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'd like to lodge a formal complaint against Jim for making us wait for over an hour." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "[sighs]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[looks over and sees hole in his present] Crap. [sees turtle on the ground, goes over and picks it up] Come here you." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Well I guess this weddings not going to happen. I wonder if this is it for them. [Jim and Pam walk in laughing]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam's dad", "line": "Hey. What happened?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Where were you guys? Do you know how long I've been waiting here?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well we are here now, so let's just--" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[walks up] Yes! Yes! I have so much joy... in my heart... right now. How do I look?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You look great." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You look great." } ], [ { "character": "Tom", "line": "[looks at Jim's cut tie] Wear a tie much?" } ], [ { "character": "Penny", "line": "[music starts playing and people start dancing down the isle] I begged them not to." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Mm-hmm." }, { "character": "Penny", "line": "I know you specifically put this song on your Do Not Play list." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes I did." }, { "character": "Penny", "line": "I'm sorry." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[smiles] Go ahead. I think it's your turn." }, { "character": "Penny", "line": "Wait, what happened? You're okay with this?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, I'm okay." }, { "character": "Penny", "line": "Okay then! [takes flower girl to dance down the isle]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey Pam, did you see this? It was on You Tube." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Saw it." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I bought those boat tickets the day I saw that You Tube video. I knew we'd need a back-up plan. The boat was actually Plan C. The church was Plan B and Plan A was marrying her a long, long time ago. Pretty much the day I met her." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "What an awesome party. The best wedding I've ever been too. I got six numbers. One more would have been a complete telephone number. This was epic. My Kleenex shoes were a huge conversation piece, but man my dogs are barking. [sticks his feet into the hotel ice machine] Whoo. My feet were so sweaty I can't even feel the cold. What a lovely hotel." } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "The fundamentals of business. The funda-mentals of business. \"Mental\" is part of the word, I have underlined it. Because you're mental, if you don't have a good time. You have to enjoy it." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Well the \"fun\" is in it. [conference room group chimes agreement.]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Get out." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "[halfway out] Yeah, I know." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes. So, it all starts with a handshake. But you can't just go right to the selling, you need \"small talk.\" What topics can you use for small talk?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Golf." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mmhm." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Stock market." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mmhm." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Dave Matthews." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, what else?" }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Uh, small things. Peas, ball bearings, dimes..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "The weekend!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah! That's good! Come on up! Meredith, come up here. Let's do a little something. So Meredith and I have just started conversing and I will say, \"So Meredith, how was your weekend, what did you do?\"" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Well I caught my son taking a dump on the upper part of the toilet." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right..." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "He calls it an upper decker." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, okay. God. What you people don't know about business, I could fill a book with." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Then do it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Write a book." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[into mini recorder] The fundamentals of business by Michael Scott. Over one billion sold. More than the Bible, I'm not surprised. Chapter one. The businessman..." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "[Michael walks in office, man waits on couch] Mr. Grotti, this is Michael Scott. He's the person you should talk to." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh hi. I'm sorry, just a sec. [whispers] Erin, you're supposed to be the gatekeeper, do you have any idea how valuable my time is?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "In your schedule it just says nine til noon is \"creative space\" and I thought this could be part of that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do you know how creative space works? Okay I just cancelled my afternoon." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "You don't have anything in the afternoon. It just says \"free play.\"" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Push free play til tomorrow morning. [to Grotti] Hi. Sorry. Crazy day. You're seeing how the sausage gets made." }, { "character": "Grotti", "line": "Ah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Come in the conference room and I will show you a finished sausage." } ], [ { "character": "Grotti", "line": "As a manager of business, you have a lot of pride." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mmhm." }, { "character": "Grotti", "line": "But you also got a lot of responsibility" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yep." }, { "character": "Grotti", "line": "None greater perhaps, than your need to be sure, that your small or large business is secure in the event of a covered loss." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "There is nothing more insulting to a great salesman, than having to listen to a bad salesman. It's like a great basketball player having to listen to a bad basketball player." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Jim's gone on his honeymoon. So I started borrowing his office to fart in. Then one day I came in and I just stayed. Cause this place is awesome. It feels like home now. Even better than my home. My home sucks." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "What do you think?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I think you're right. It definitely looks suspicious. And his southern Italian heritage raises some flags." }, { "character": "Grotti", "line": "God forbid you... should have a fire in the warehouse." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh yup. Yeah, definitely. All that paper burning up." }, { "character": "Grotti", "line": "Yeah, and a truck, goes off the side of the road, there's injury." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mmhm, I hear you. The truck." }, { "character": "Grotti", "line": "You will be hearing from me Mr. Scott." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, well." }, { "character": "Grotti", "line": "I can be very very persistent." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do your worst. [they shake hands]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Grotti knocks over coat stand grabbing his overcoat] Oh, great." }, { "character": "Grotti", "line": "Would you look at that people? What an unpredictable world we live in, huh?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mmhm." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "What happened in there?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nothing, other than once again, I am just thankful that I am a paper salesman." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Did he threaten you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No Dwight, not everything is a threat." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Mobsters are!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "There is no such things as monsters." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "He drives an SUV!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I knew it! More trunk space. Or should I say, corpse space." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Hey guys, I drive a SUV, does that mean I'm in the mob?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, not that, by itself. But look at all the facts. He seems like a mobster." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wait, when did we start talking about the mob? The guy was trying to sell me insurance." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "All mobsters have a front, sometimes it's selling insurance, sometimes it's waste management or sanitation." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "For the record, not all Italian-Americans are in the Mafia." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I think, he just seemed like he was just trying to sell me insurance." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, buy my insurance or I'll burn your warehouse down!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Exactly." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "He did talk about a fire in the warehouse... and he also vaguely threatened me with testicular cancer." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Uhh. All right, who else is here? [looks around]" } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Pam and Jim are on their honeymoon. So there's not the usual balance between \"sane and others.\" Toby has mentally checked out since June. It's a very dangerous time. The \"coalition for reason\" is extremely weak." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Oscar says I checked out huh? Huh. [nods head]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[over chatter] Hey, hey hey, calm down. Calm down. Calm down. Ryan, you lived in New York, what do you think?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Well first of all, there is no such thing as 'The Mafia.'" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "What you have are specific families. What's the guy's last name?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um it is, Grotti." }, { "character": "Andy & Dwight", "line": "[groans] Oh no. Fabulous." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What? What?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It's John Gotti, you idiot!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "It's, it's a completely different name!" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "So he won't get caught!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah. It's pretty close." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "No, what are you talking about, what mobster would change his name from Gotti to Grotti. It weakens it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No I disagree. \"R\" is among the most menacing of sounds. That's why they call it \"murder.\" And not \"muck-duck.\"" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay too many different words coming at me from too many different sentences." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Lock your door!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm not gonna lock my door. [door closes. Then clicks locked]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hello?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Jim? It's Oscar. I'm so sorry to be calling you on your honeymoon." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oscar! Uh, what is going on?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "It's Michael, he thinks he's being shaken down by the mob. I don't know how you usually handle this." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Look, We're in Puerto Rico, so-" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey Oscar. It's Pam. Hey. We're on our honeymoon." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Pam, I'm sorry--" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Unless someone very close to us is in immediate physical danger, you should not be calling us." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You're right. You're right. [Pam hangs up] Oh, okay bye." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's Grotti. He's following up." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Already? This, this guy is persistent!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[reads email] \"I feel that you will regret missing this great opportunity to be in business.\"" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's bad." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's bad." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah. What are my options here? Do I just ignore it, or?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah right! You heard him! He's gonna burn down the warehouse or run one of our trucks off the road." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, I'm calling the police." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[hangs up, rips cord from phone] That is the stupidest thing you could do right now!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "He's right. Cops can't do anything until a crime has been reported." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Not only that, but if they find out you snitched, you get a dead horses chopped off head in your bed!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Shh!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You know what?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's not gonna happen." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's an exaggeration." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That's how it works!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What am I supposed to do here?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "When somebody threatens you, you give in right away. Okay you need to buy insurance from this guy and get him off your back" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I was thinking exactly the same thing." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, criminals are like raccoons. Okay, you give 'em a taste of cat food pretty soon they'll be back for the whole cat." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Dwight..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The only way to defeat a bully is to stand up to him. Trust me, I have bullied a lot of people." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't know, I don't know about that." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Wait let's hear him out, this is interesting." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Here's what we do. We meet him in a public place. Ask him to lunch or something like that, some place he can't be openly violent." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Let him know you're not the typical kind of guy that he can shake down. That you're stubborn. That you might even be a little bit dangerous." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[snaps fingers] I like this plan. I'd like to officially withdraw my plan." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hold on, hold on! Just-" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No, no, no. My plan is out! We do this the hard way." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right. I will meet with him, but I'm not going alone." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well you're gonna have to. [overlaps] Dwight: We'll be right beside you." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Andy dressed as a mechanic, Cornell hat on] What are you wearing? Who's Pat?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well if I'm gonna back you up, I need a weapon without drawing suspicion, and I have to justify it somehow so, I'm a mechanic with a tire thing." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Do you know how to use it?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "To change tires, no. But it's metal, I can hit somebody with it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Let's go, come on. [whispers] God!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Should I change?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You're wearing loafers!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Forget it! Forget it!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Andy is playing with the tire iron] Take that thing off the table! Please!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well then I can't use it. I'm just gonna hide it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey. Bathroom checks out clean. Nothing behind the toilet except for this roach motel." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh! God! [smacks roaches]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh my God!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You'll never kill it that way. You want to separate the head from the thorax-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Guys, guys. Cool it. There he is, there he is." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hello." }, { "character": "Grotti", "line": "Mr. Scott." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mr. Grotti we meet again. These are my associates." }, { "character": "Grotti", "line": "Hi. Angelo Grotti." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hello." }, { "character": "Grotti", "line": "So, you got this table?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Grotti", "line": "This is one of those half booths, can't-decide-what-it-is type of thing." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well." }, { "character": "Grotti", "line": "Waitress, we're gonna sit over here." }, { "character": "Waitress", "line": "That's fine." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[answers phone] Hello." }, { "character": "Credit card rep", "line": "Hello Mr. Halpert. I'm calling from the identity theft department at Capital One. We've detected some unusual activity on your credit card." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh man, do you think it was stolen?" }, { "character": "Rep", "line": "First would you mind verifying your home address?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Um, yes. [looks at Jim's pay stub] Um, 383 Linden Ave., Scranton PA" }, { "character": "Rep", "line": "And may I have the last four numbers of your Social Security Number?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Six-six-five-zero." }, { "character": "Rep", "line": "Well Mr. Halpert. You're obviously not in San Juan Puerto Rico." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Wait a minute. Yes I am." }, { "character": "Rep", "line": "I'm going to go ahead and put a hold on your card." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "No. That... I, I think that we should let the criminal use the card a little longer." }, { "character": "Rep", "line": "Very funny sir. We'll get a new card out to you right away." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "No-" }, { "character": "Rep", "line": "Have a nice day, and thank you!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Shoot." } ], [ { "character": "Grotti", "line": "If you want to supplement your coverage, we can do that. If you want to replace your current coverage, all the better. Ah, you seem like a nice guy." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh he's not that nice." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's not true." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hmm. Very true." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay shut up." }, { "character": "Waitress", "line": "Have you decided?" }, { "character": "Grotti", "line": "Yeah, I'll have the linguini, red sauce on the side. If the sauce does not come on the side, I will send it back. I want garlic bread, toasted, not burnt. If it comes burnt, I will send it back." }, { "character": "Waitress", "line": "Okay then. And for you sir?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I will have the gabba-gool." }, { "character": "Waitress", "line": "The... what?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "The gabba-gool." }, { "character": "Waitress", "line": "I don't really know what that is." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[with Soprano's inflection] You know, gabba-gool." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't, I don't have to have that." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What he's trying to say is, Gabba. Gool." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Guys, guys-" }, { "character": "Waitress", "line": "I don't really think that we have that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's okay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Bring him the gabba-gool!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Shh. I will have the spaghetti, with a side salad." }, { "character": "Waitress", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "If the salad is on top, I send it back." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Why would you cancel Jim's credit cards?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I usually can think quick on my feet, but they were so fast on the phone." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "This constitutes identity fraud." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh God. I wouldn't last in jail Oscar. I'm not like you." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "What's that supposed to mean?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oh you don't know about jail? Oh you would love jail." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Why would I love jail?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Because... You would love it." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't think our company actually needs any more insurance. So I am out." }, { "character": "Grotti", "line": "Look closely Michael. I feel there's a plan here for you." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Maybe we have a plan for you?" }, { "character": "Grotti", "line": "How about you? Maybe you can use supplemental coverage of some kind. Anybody can get hurt! You always think, it can't happen to you, and [drops hand loudly on table] Think about it." }, { "character": "Woman", "line": "[approaches with child] Excuse me. Sorry to bother you. Are you a mechanic?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeeeeah." }, { "character": "Woman", "line": "My battery is dead, I've got my kid, can you please help?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yes I can." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no no, no. Come on. I'm sorry, we're having our salad." }, { "character": "Grotti", "line": "Come on! Lady in distress? Go! Go!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Okay!" }, { "character": "Woman", "line": "Thank you so much, I really appreciate it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, do you need any help?" }, { "character": "Grotti", "line": "I'm sure he can handle a simple jump-start. Now come on, sit down." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "He's a good mechanic." }, { "character": "Grotti", "line": "Where were we?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "He was trying to force you to decide on a policy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, okay okay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "So we're choosing..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yep, all right." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Check out Dental?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Put it down." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Black goes on the red. With the... If we... Positive... Mo- it being a motor drive, it's probably down." }, { "character": "Kid", "line": "He seems bad at this." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You want to do this junior? I didn't think so. Sorry. It's kind of a long day at the... mechanic store. [Andy places connections wrong, smoke and explosion set off] Aaaah! You got a leaky spark tube." }, { "character": "Woman", "line": "What?!?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "So your car's totaled. Uh, you're just gonna want to get a refund on that. Or my guy could do it. He's great. But uh, I can't do that for you. I work exclusively on motorcycles. [Andy walks away, woman is exasperated]" } ], [ { "character": "Grotti", "line": "Now if you could just sign this letter of intent, I'll bring this back to my boss, and we can get this in motion. [Andy clears throat loudly] You okay, Pat?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah. Just thinking about how, uh, I had this car, this Italian car, and I was driving it, and it kept telling me how much it needed oil, but I wouldn't give it any oil. And then, one day it exploded and it killed everyone and that's what I'm afraid of." }, { "character": "Grotti", "line": "Aren't you a mechanic? Why wouldn't you put oil in the car?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It was before, my tech- my technical training." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Don't do it!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Do it." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Don't." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Just do it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Grotti", "line": "Look Mike, I don't know what your friends are telling you, but you have to decide for yourself. Are these guys gonna take care of your things if you die tomorrow?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I don't understand, why would you buy a policy?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's just the cost of a cup of coffee an hour." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You were man enough to back down Michael, I'm proud of you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I had to make a snap decision Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It wasn't a snap decision, you were sitting there for an hour." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It was a lot of snap decisions." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Do you know what \"snap decision\" means?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It means like this. [snaps fingers]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just get in the car." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hello?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jim?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh thank God." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "How did you get this number? Michael, we're on a catamaran." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It wasn't easy. I had to tell the hotel it was a medical emergency. I chose massive coronary, cause you told me that your Dad had a bad heart. Listen man, I, I got a problem, I think I'm in trouble with the mob. Or a major insurance carrier." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That sounds bad." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, I know and you usually can get out of stuff like this, so I'm turning to you my friend." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'm gonna help you through it all right?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All you're gonna need to [faking a bad connection] and- it- and then go to--" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jim? Are you?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And then you'll be saved." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What? Wait, I didn't hear a thing you just said." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Just [drops] and then you'll be saved." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No! God! I missed, I missed the important part again!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "A- ah--" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No! Oh my God!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And you'll be saved." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, Jim please, repeat what you're saying! I can't understand you!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I [drops out] at the Bermuda Triangle. An- M- please don't call again." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jim?!? [dial tone] Oh my God." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey uh, question for you. I recently purchased some insurance that I can't afford given my present salary. Is there anything accounting-wise I can do to sort of make it all go away?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Accounting-wise, no. But phone-wise, just call up and cancel it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh no. Um. What about this Cash For Clunkers thing?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Just- no. No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "All right. Well, it was a thought. Thanks." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "We have let Michael down, and it's 85 percent your fault." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "He's alive. So you're welcome." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Not on the inside he's not. Look at his life! Broke! Living in fear! No friends, dead end job." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, some of that existed before." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Not the living in fear, that's new." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You're right, that is new." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yes. He's got to stand up to this mafia guy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well I don't see that happening." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Me neither. Not the way things are now. But what if Michael felt no fear toward the mafia guy?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Are you saying-" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah..." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That we surgically remove the fear center from Michael's brain?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What is wrong with you? I am talking about convincing Michael that the guy's not mafia!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That seems a little far-fetched." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well more far-fetched than a mobster walking into a paper company for a low-level shakedown? And that happened." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael. Incredible news. Grotti is clean." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. He's not. He's just good. Nothing sticks to him. You still don't understand how this works." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No, Michael. What we're trying to say is, we made a mistake assuming he was mafia. I have a buddy who's a Fed, and we did a background check on the guy. His background is perfectly clean." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's true, he's clean. I have a couple of friends still on the force. Checked with them. Ran his Fed friend up the flagpole to make sure he wasn't on the take. Turns out he's a totally lovely guy. Sweetest guy on the force really." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Class act. Boy scout." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "But Grotti acts like he's mafia though." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "He's trying to intimidate you to close sales. He's just a pushy salesman." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "And he made us all look like chumps!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[grunts]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "If there is one thing I hate more than the mafia it is a liar. I wish the mafia would go out and kill all the liars. Bury them in my yard. And I wouldn't tell the cops a thing. Not that I would be lying per se. But I would just get really quiet, all of a sudden." } ], [ { "character": "Grotti", "line": "This is Grotti." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "This is Scott." }, { "character": "Grotti", "line": "Oh! Great. Michael, I'm finishing up your paperwork right now." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh really? Is that supposed to scare me?" }, { "character": "Grotti", "line": "I, I thought you'd be pleased." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well you thought wrong. Because I am not pleased. I'm actually kind of PO'd." }, { "character": "Grotti", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I think you know exactly why, because you were trying to scare me into buying insurance." }, { "character": "Grotti", "line": "I don't get it. How was I scaring you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I think you knew exactly what you were doing. And frankly I think you were being a total and utter jerk." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Whoa. Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You suck!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay that's-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And I'm not gonna buy your stupid insurance." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's good, let's wrap it up." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "How about that? The only person that actually needs insurance is you, if you show your face around here again, got it?" }, { "character": "Grotti", "line": "Look, Michael, when we all calm down here, maybe at some point in the future, you change your mind, why don't you give me a call?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Doubt it. [disconnects call]" }, { "character": "Dwight & Andy", "line": "[relaxing] Oh man." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What a tool. [Dwight and Andy exchange looks] What?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Next time you look in the mirror, you're gonna be looking at a guy who stood down the mafia!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. What do you mean?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "We just told you he wasn't mafia, so you wouldn't be scared." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You successfully backed down the mob!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You made the mafia apologize to you! You made the mafia be polite!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh man. I should be mad at you guys. But I'm not." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "So I looked him in the eye and I said, \"Not today Grotti, Not today. And not tomorrow, and not the next day. Or the day after that. And you can tell all your friends that if I see them, then they're already dead.\" I said something like that." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Very close." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Just to be clear, he backed down an insurance agent from Mutual of Harrisburg." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Erin?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yes?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Coffee?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Not from the kitchen. Stop and Shop. If it's not Stop and Shop, I send it back." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Large. If it's a medium I send it back. If it's an extra large I send it back." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "How do you return coffee?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Go. Any questions?" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[on phone] Are you kidding me?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hi Pam, is Jim there?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Listen our credit card has been cancelled and we have to deal with that, and I really can't handle the fact that you're calling us here!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Okay, that sounds good. Um, I'll let you go, just -tell Jim, that I said hi." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh I will. I will Kevin. I will make that my top priority." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Cool. Okay. [Pam hangs up] Bye." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "They have no idea what happened." } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "They're back!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oooh yeah... [people chuckle] Jim and Pam!" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "How was Puerto Rico? Was it so romantic?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It was." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It really was." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Really was." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[voice cracks] I'm so happy for you..." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Puerto Rico was awesome." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh my gosh. The honeymoon was great. We met this other couple at the resort, Frank and Benny. We hung out with them a lot." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[goofy voice] Frank and Beans. [laughs] Always makes her laugh." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[goofy voice] Frank and beans!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Is there someone there? Who is there? I hear voices, is somebody there?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Is someone there? I can't see you because I'm blind." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Its Jim and Pam, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[gasps] It is?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "They're back? Oh! Oh! Oh, Pam! [reaching out with hands at chest level]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nope." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And oh, Jim..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hi, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, I haven't see you since my accident that I had when I fell- I fell into the pool of acid, eyes first. Blind guy." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Blind-guy McSqueezy. How do I describe it? It is a character I've been workshopping whose lack of vision gets him into all sorts of trouble. The women in my improve class absolutely hate him. [groans]" } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "So what'd you bring us?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Some candy." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "What else?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That's it." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Oh, 'cause you spent so much on the wedding." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[behind Pam, acting out blind-guy, groaning]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's good to be home." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "This conversation has two items on the agenda." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Do we have a conversation scheduled?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Number one, do not leave your things on my desk. It's not some kind of personal pen receptacle for you. I don't care how high they promote you, which brings me to item number two... I never formally congratulated you on your promotion, so I'd just like to say... [high voice, holding up wooden mallard] con-quack-ulations!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow, that's... really thoughtful of you, Dwight, thank you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[duck voice] You're welcome! [quacks, laughs]" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I inserted a listening device into the belly of the mallard. Now I can observe Jim, trap Jim, and destroy Jim, just like in the Bavarian fairy tale. Only this time, the mallard skins the toad alive. And of course in this version you lose the whole veiled critique of the Kaiser thing." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm sorry to have been bugging you all these years." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It's a real handsome duck." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Mallard. Okay, I'll get out of your hair." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey!" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hi!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Uh, we brought back some Puerto Rican candy." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Coco Leche! That's my favorite!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Awesome! I'll leave it up here so everyone can enjoy it." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh, um, let me just check with Michael first." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[laughs] I think it'll be okay." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[laughs] I think it will too, but I'll just check with him, though." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Great." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oops, sorry. [slides candy back to Pam] Oops." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I have recently taken a lover." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, that's great. Congratulations. Who's the lucky lady?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam's mom." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam's mom, Helene. Remember from your wedding?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You're messing with me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "About what?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You did not have sex with Pam's mom." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, big time." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What kind of car does she drive?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "She drives a green camry." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[expletive]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And the seats go all the way down. All the way down." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh my God. [Michael bangs the table] Oh my God." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[laughs] What?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, never tell Pam, and secondly-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, good, a pact. A pact. Although I may have to break it tonight when Helene and I tell Pam over dinner. You alright?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh my God." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "[walks in] Hey, Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Not now, Toby, my God!" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Oh, Jesus!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Get the hell out of here, idiot." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "What did I do?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, as far as dinner tonight, cancel that, and please, for both our sakes, never, ever, ever see her again." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I think you're underestimating Pam. I think more than anything, she wants me to be happy." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, not more than anything." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, I have a good thing with the mom-" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Don't call her \"the mom.\"" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "She's right on my way home from work." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Then take a different way home, man!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I di- alright, I'll take surface streets, its- the last thing in the world I would want to do is upset Pam." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, so we're good." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Can you change my dinner reservations from four people to two?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Sure. Oh, is it okay if I put out some candy that Pam brought back from Puerto Rico?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sure. Thanks for asking." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Pam, we're all set. [Pam places candy on Erin's desk] Yum." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Frank and beans!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Frank and beans! [both laugh] So what'd we decide for Michael, the bottle of rum, or the seashell alarm clock?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know what? Can I have the weekend to decide?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Bottle of rum it is. [takes package out of bag] Alright, shall we?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You know what, I am really slammed, trying to catch up on everything here and I know that Michael's slammed too. So, maybe we should do this when things are a little less crazy." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Come on, it'll take two seconds." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, it- [high-pitched feedback as Jim starts to leave, feedback changes as he moves, turns over the mallard to see the listening devics, sighs, places mallard back on the desk]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[unwraps rum gift] Oh, wow." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[giggles]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That is amazing. I feel like a real Puerto Rican." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Michael, you're all set at Botticelli's. I changed the reservation to two people." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Erin, look. [holds up parrot rum bottle]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Fun!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Wow, Botticelli's, that sounds like a special occasion." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, no, it's nobody." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[laughs] I don't know. I think Michael has a date." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[chuckles] Hmm... no." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[laughs] I think you have a date." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Come on." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Uh, I think we should just drop it... 'cause obviously he doesn't want to talk about it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[sighs] I don't deserve this, guys." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes, you do." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I don't." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Just take the parrot." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[long exhale]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, back to the old grind." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I was probably going to break up with her anyway." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, that's too bad." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Don't-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pam, it is very complicated. There are a lot of moving parts here." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Sounds complicated." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It is." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, but I mean, if you really like this person, then you should see where it goes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You want me to be happy?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Of course." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Part of the problem is, she is the mother of a close friend of mine." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "More than a friend, a co-worker." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh! Gossip, who is it? Who is it? Who is it, Michael? ...Who?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's okay." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No, no, no, no, no. Oh, no. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Nooooo!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "That could have gone one of two ways, but I never expected her to get upset." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[screams out in the parking lot, Michael watches from his office window]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[to Michael] You seem tense. Hey, you want me to give you the chills?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "There's an egg on your head and the yolk is running down, the yolk is running down..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[sighs] Feels good." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "There's a knife in your back and the blood is gushing down..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm sleeping with Pam's mom. Sometimes, dinner." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "...the blood is gushing down, the blood is gushing down... You know, I really would have appreciated a heads-up that you were into dating mothers. I would have introduced you to mine." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[outside, on cell phone] How could you do this to me? He's my boss! How many times have I complained about him to you? No, I am not being dramatic, you are being crazy!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[singsong voice] Who wants a hot chocolate?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[sighs] Oh, so Dwight gave me this wooden mallard as a gift, and I found a recording device in it. Yes. So, I think if I played it just right I can get Dwight to play out the plot of National Treasure." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You need to be more upset about this. She's your mother too now. Your mother is sleeping with Michael Scott." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Andy, can I talk to you for a second?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Sure thing, Tuna Boss." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[holding up a sign that reads, \"Dwight picked the wrong day to put a wooden mallard in my office\"]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[in Jim's office] How may I be of service to you?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I am gonna need your advice [starts playing loud opera music, everyone can hear it, Creed starts crying] I was thinking about getting this opera for Dwight's birthday, what do you think?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[both look at Dwight, Jim waves] This aurea is a joke." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What are you thinking?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I was gonna go with this one." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[both look at Dwight who is standing right outside the office] Let me tell you something, if you respect him at all, you will get him something better." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[Andy gets up and leaves the office] The Nard Dog... what was that all about?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I know, right?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What were you talking about in there?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Trust me it would only make you mad. [opera continues, Dwight looks at Jim standing outside his office, waves, Jim waves back]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[in the conference room leading a meeting] Due to a certain recent incident, corporate has asked all the branches to come up with ideas as to how we can better communicate with our communities." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Is this because of the 60 Minutes segment about working conditions in our Peruvian paper mill?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That was a hit job. If you read the Dunder Mifflin press release it clearly states that they had absolutely nothing to do with that particular cancer cluster. So if there is a lesson to be learned here and I'm not sure that there is, it is that in order to help our communities, we need to put other people's needs ahead of our own." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Haha! Ha ha ha." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And whoever comes up with the best idea gets a $50 gift certificate to the restaurant of his or her choice. [everyone claps and makes comments]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Who wants to help the world one step at a time? [Dwight raises his hand] Alright, good." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Volunteerism is important. Every weekend I volunteer at the local animal shelter and they need a lot of help down there. Last Sunday I had to put down over 150 pets all by myself." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright, that's..." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Paint a mural of Chicano leaders." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I have a way to make Scranton a better place, you could leave it. [laughter]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay, I'm out of here, [pretends to leave] see you later guys..." }, { "character": "Various", "line": "Get out and stay out, bye..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok, oh no here's an idea... conservation..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I love it, conservation. Let's start by conserving our time and stop having these stupid meetings. [stands up and cheers] No more meetings! No more meetings! No more meetings! No more meetings! [Stanley cheers her on in the background]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Anybody else? Who else has an idea?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I have some ideas about conservation..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes! Angela! Please..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Michael leaves to answer his phone] Can you hold down the fort? [on phone] Hey boo!" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Thank you. Sure well first of all I think that we could totally..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[on phone] What's it... why are you crying?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes! I think we should look into that. If you could just speak up louder..." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[to Angela] Shhhh..." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Well, for our profit..." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[to Angela] Shhh..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[on phone] No, no, no, I'll talk to her. I will... No... nobody talks to my baby that way... uh ah... yeah, I'll let you know how it goes. Alright, by pickle." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Who's pickle?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[hangs up phone and walks back into conference room] Pamela Morgan Beesly, you need to apologize to your mother right now." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I'm sorry, I was told I had the floor." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Hold on, hold on, what's going on?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nothing... nothing at all... it's all good!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'm not apologizing to anyone. Michael owes me an apology." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "For trying to find happiness in the arms of a lover?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Don't call my mother your lover." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yes! That's what I'm talking about." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That is not okay dude." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright, in my defense..." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Disgusting..." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "She's messed up man..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes! Thank you, welcome to my personal hell!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You have no sense of boundaries Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Shut up Oscar. Hey, alright, you know what, clearly I'm outnumbered here, but can I just say one thing, please? What is so wrong about me? I'm caring, I'm generous, I'm sensual. Is it really so horrible that I could possibly go out and find happiness." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Good luck Michael, I hope you find what you're looking for." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Maybe you're right, who are we to..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Shut up Oscar. What is wrong with all of you, he is sleeping with my mother!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I don't think there's a whole lot of sleeping going on." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Let's get back to the matter at hand." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Whatever, you know, sleep with my mom, sleep with everybody's mom..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, no... no, no..." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Whoa, that's my mother you're talking about..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't like the tone here... this is a place of business, you are to listen to others, you are to give others respect, and you are to keep your personal issues out of it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Uhh, huh, ho... oooh my God, you are ridiculous!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do not talk to me that way! I am your boss and I may someday be your father, so get out." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You are never going to be my father, you get out!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I hope that you are willing to die in this office, because I am..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Me too..." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey. [walks up to Oscar and hands him a report to sign]" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "[in a sing-songy voice] Pam, how's your day going?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Pam, just for the record, I think you're overreacting a little bit, your mom's old enough to make her own decisions." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, well, thanks Oscar. I was just wondering how would you feel if Michael was sleeping with your mom?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "My mother's in a wheelchair." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, he could still... I'm sorry about that... Oh could I just get you to sign this second page." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[Dwight listening in his ear piece] Ryan, I have to ask you a personal question. Do you think that I should get a Fedora?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Ahh, I don't think so, no..." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Well, I think I'd look really hot in one. Where'd you get your fedora?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I'd rather not say." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "I think I'm gonna get the same fedora as you." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hi Dwight!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[Dwight storms through the break room listening to Kelly and Ryan in his ear piece] Shh!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "[Ryan and Kelly talking] ...it should go with the persona you already have." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Well, I think I have that persona." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Where did you get that mallard?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "What the hell is a mallard?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That!" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh, Professor Damien D. Duck, Jim gave him to me." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, I gave that to him that as a gift, I'm taking that back." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "If you take it back, I'll scream." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[sighs heavily] I'll give you five bucks for it." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Twenty." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Ten." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Deal. [pays Ryan and takes the mallard back]" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[to Ryan] You're so cool." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "This reminds me, you owe me three bucks for gas." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[walks into Toby's office] Hey Toby, could I talk to you for a minute?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Yeah, sure, what's up?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Um, I just wanted to apologize for taking that tone with you earlier that was... uncalled for, I'm sorry." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Um, yeah, ah, ah, that means a lot. Thank you for saying it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Can I sit down for a second?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Yeah, er... pull up a chair or sit on the shredder." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "This is gonna sound weird, but I think I may be the victim of a hostile work environment with this whole Pam situation." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Ah, you should probably deal with that outside of the work place." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "She brought it into the work place so I feel like it has to be dealt with here." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Ok, I mean, I could talk to her." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really? Would you do that?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Yeah... that's why they pay me the big bucks. [both laugh]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[hugs Toby, who smiles big] You're a good, good guy." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I'm good..." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "You know, I always knew if Michael just took the time to get to know me, we'd become friends." } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "[walks up to Pam's desk with a binder] Hey Pam, could I talk to you for a sec?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Sure, what's up?" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Well, I was hoping that maybe in light of everything that's happened today, it would be a good idea if today, you, me, and Michael could head into the conference room for some conflict resolution." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[to Michael] What's the matter, you can't fight your own battles?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No... that's..." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Maybe you could just take the rest of the day off... you know..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[to Michael] Oh, would that make you feel better?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't... um... I can't hear your conversation." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You can tell Michael that I'm not leaving." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "[gets up and puts a hand on Michael's shoulder] Buddy, I think that..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, yeah, yeah-okay... you're a jackass. [to Pam] Hey, hey, you know what? You're just as stubborn as your mother, when you don't wanna do something you just don't do it." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Heh, heh, heh." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael, you're just her rebound!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You were right Jim, shoulda listened to you, should never have told her." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[to Jim] What! You knew?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Barely, I... I don't have all the facts. Frank and Bean..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[Pam storms into break room] Okay, do you want me to stop seeing your mom? Is that how we're gonna get past this? Cause, I will." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Mmmmm, yes!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, that is not gonna happen!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Then why'd you even offer!?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Because I assumed that you want me to be happy because I want you to be happy." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael, let me make this very easy for you, I could give a sh[beep] about your happiness! Stop dating my mother!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what? I'm gonna start dating her even harder." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What's that supposed to mean?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You know what it means." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Pam storms out of the break room] Hey..." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Shut it!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yep..." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't need to be friends with Pam. I have plenty of female friends. My mom, Pam's mom, my aunt... although she just blocked me on IM, what's her face from Quiznos, I see her four times a week." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[walks into his office and sees the mallard back on his desk] Dwight, you brought the mallard back." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Well, I had to, I mean... Kelly was not even..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[speaking into the mallard and looking a Dwight] Hi buddy." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[walks into Jim's office and takes out ear piece] I'm sorry." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "A wooden duck?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Mallard. I put it in your office in order to surveil you. I was jealous that you got the promotion over me." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, just to be clear, you're terrible at this and you are not equipped for espionage..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, I'm equipped... I can..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Silence." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Don't tell Michael..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I won't. But, you will wash and buff our car." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Punishment fits the crime, I accept. [shakes Jim's hand and leaves]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[leaving his office with his rum] Night everyone. Night Pam, thanks again for the rum." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Night Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Night Erin." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[in the conference room] Hey Pam, can I see you for a second? So, Dwight heard you were having a really rough day. So he generously offered to wash our car." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[looking out the window at Dwight washing the car] Awww, he did that for me?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes, he did. You know what was nice, nights swimming in Bayou bay." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Mmmm." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Michael is seen debating on whether to come back in to the office] Remember that older couple whose kids were also named Jim and Pam?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Haha, yeah. Say more nice things." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well, we went on a Segway tour and we're awesome at it and Frank and Beans!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Maybe I'm overreacting." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah... maybe." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "But I don't think I am." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You're not, nope. Nope." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[Ryan is walking out of the office ahead of him] Oh... where'd you get that hat?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I'd rather not say." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[walks into Jims office, twists the top of the pen that he placed in Jim's pen holder which has a bug in it, pushes play] [Jim's voice] \"We have our high quality 28 pound bond, our heavier 38 pound bond, or our...\" [pauses recording] I've got eight hours of this. Of course I wanted Jim to find the mallard, make him feel safe. Did you really think I would put my primary listening device in a wooden mallard? I'm not insane. [starts the recording again] \"...65 pound cover stock, which is the heaviest paper that will still feed smoothly through your desktop printer.\"" } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Welcome children of the Scranton Industrial Park Community." }, { "character": "Kids", "line": "YAY!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Join your gangsta pumpkin on his palette truck of doom. Don't worry about a thing. Rest assured you will see me later. Bwah ha ha... [bumps into something] ... ha ha ha." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "We are doing a haunted house this Halloween. Which is actually kinda spooky because, as legend has it, on this very site there used to be a productive paper company." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am going to scare these kids so bad." } ], [ { "character": "Darryl", "line": "This is the spookiest warehouse in the world, kids. You don't believe me? Just take a look. [Kevin chops into Erin, who is dressed as Princess Fiona] Oh. Scary, huh? This is a surgery with an octopus and a burn victim." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Black widow." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Lulu from The Fifth Element." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Nobody told me what people were, alright? So... label yourselves or take what you get." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "I want to sell your blood!" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "That's really not the trend in vampires right now." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Here is an old man and a goth dude... and then the old crone from Drag Me to Hell." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I'm a hobo." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "I asked for a list. [Dwight rides in on a tricycle, laughing diabolically] ...and a clown." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm Jigsaw, idiot." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "You're not as scary as Book Face, over there." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes. I am the popular social networking site known as Book Face." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "Ok, kids. You've all been so good and unbelievably patient so I think you are gonna get some candy!" }, { "character": "Kids", "line": "Yeah! [a chair falls over, Michael is seen hanging from the ceiling with a noose around his neck - the kids scream]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Kids, just remember, suicide is never the answer. Alright?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why is Christmas the only holiday that can have a message?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "It is the easy way out. You are not alone." }, { "character": "Darryl", "line": "What the hell is wrong with you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Who wants candy?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "...and then I think I'm going to go to the Garlic Festival." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sounds like fun. You guys would love it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I bet we would." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "They have a TCBY booth." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Cool." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "The same stuff you get downtown." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mmm-hmm." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do you like TCBY?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Who doesn't?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I can't believe it's- I can't believe it's yogurt. Uh... it'll be fun" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I confirmed with Raskin Design and they're expecting the both of you in an hour." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh. Actually, it's just gonna be me." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "They said the both of you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That is a mistake." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You should give them a call. Check that out." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright. Let's clear this up. [on phone] Well, there's actually been a few changes in the company and Michael and I are actually at the same level. So, I can- no. Nope. Why would that be a problem?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jim's a good kid. He can handle a lot but sometimes you have to call in a master. I, uh... why would you date an amateur when you could date a professional?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Great. See ya' then." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wha- what?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "They said that they would feel more comfortable if you came along." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Why don't they just want you to go by yourself? Why do they want me to come, too? I don't understand." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I absolutely don't understand, either." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't want you to feel like I'm baby-sitting you, or something. Alright." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Let me get your stroller." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Sure. Michael's a good teacher. A teacher is someone who stands right next to you your whole life and never lets you do anything. That's what a teacher is, right?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "What are you gonna call him?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dave." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. What is his name?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Dave." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mr. Bourchard. They're very formal." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah. I've spoken to them on the phone." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah, well... this is not the phone. This is real life, baby, and you gotta own it. Is that what you are wearing?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yes, it is." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "...and that is the watch that you are going to wear? No. It is not. You should wear this watch. I will loan it to you. It is a Tankard. I highly recommend you wear that." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No thanks." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "They are into style." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mmm-hmm." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "They are into appearance. We are selling success." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "...and paper." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's sorta secondary. [offers Jim the watch again]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nope. No." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "He's trying to micro-co-manage me... or co-micro... manage... me." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Here we are outside-" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "WB!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "- the Wilkes-Barre Industrial Park." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Industrial P.! Makin' cold calls." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "The two people with the lowest sales in the quarter have to do them." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[singing] Where are you? Dean Trophies. Suite 100. Sherman Blinds and Rugs. Suite 202." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Here it is. [Andy is still singing] Suite 401." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah. I was gonna sing that part." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I know. Now you don't have to." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Except it was going to resolve the melody, so now my head hurts. Feels like I held in a sneeze. Mmm! I hate this feeling. [sings] Suite 401." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright. Hi. Any messages?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "You're soaking wet." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh, well, Jim and I got caught in a little flash rain, flash wind, flash lightning." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Wow. Sounds scary." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It was. It was. And then in an instant it wasn't." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Why isn't Jim wet?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I outran it." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I don't think it rained. My hip would be throbbing." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It rained." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael, can I get you something? A towel? Some cocoa?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Nothing. Cocoa." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'll just leave that suit in your office then." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Good. Yep." } ], [ { "character": "Secretary", "line": "Must be nice to have company on these cold calls." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "We're kind of a dynamic duo. Or trio. [points to Pam's tummy]" }, { "character": "Secretary", "line": "How exciting! Do you guys know the sex yet?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[Andy shakes his head 'no'] Oh. No, no. [laughing] We're not together. No, no, no. Definitely not. Definitely not. No. We just work together." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[miffed] Looks like somebody's got a case of the definitelies." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "[Michael is walking around in one of Jim's suits] Um, Michael? The custodian from Raskin Design is on the line. He said they found your keys in the Koi pond." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok. Thank you." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Did you say 'Koi pond'?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[phone rings] Yeah?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Michael, people are asking questions." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok. Put them on speaker. Hey guys, what's going on?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Michael, did you you fall into a Koi pond?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh... I can't really hear you. I think we have sort of a bad connection." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Jim, did Michael fall into a Koi pond?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mmm... it's like Michael said. It was some- something else." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It was- Ok. This is what it was. It was these bunch of idiots who had put a fish tank in the ground with no cover and no railing." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "So you fell in?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. Maybe I was trying to save a child that had fallen in." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "So a child had fallen in?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Not yet!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "That is hilarious. [extends hand for a fist bump]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No it is- don't! I'm not gonna bump. I'm not gonna bump. And it was not hilarious. It was very, very terrifying. [Stanley laughs]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Truthfully, it wasn't the way he fell in. It was... how long it took him to get out." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "And we'd like to offer you 15% off your first purchase as our way of welcoming you to the area." }, { "character": "Customer", "line": "Well that sounds like a really nice deal." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Sha-bow." }, { "character": "Customer", "line": "And I must say, that since we are a family business it is nice to see that you are, too." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, wow. You thought that- oh, my gosh. Oh. Definitely not." }, { "character": "Customer", "line": "My mistake. Sorry." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It's ok." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Nuh. Actually, it's kinda not ok. Um, I date models. Face models. My girlfriend, on a scale of one to Giselle, uh... a nine." }, { "character": "Customer", "line": "That- that's good for you." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Anyway, we also have a special on envelopes." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Pam's carrying our surrogate. Because my girlfriend needed to keep her figure for fashion week. So, we, uh, we put our baby in Pam. Doesn't matter what Pam looks like." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "You were way meaner to me than I was to you." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No I wasn't. Ok. The very idea of us together made you burst out laughing like you just bit into an Adam Sandler and jelly sandwich." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You blew the sale, you idiot." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Let me tell you something. I was never gonna make that sale." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Erin, do we have any of those clips that hold paper together?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Staples? [Kevin clears his throat] Uh, David Wallace called." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh. He did? What did he say?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "He heard you made a big splash at the meeting. Oh, my God. That was so mean what I just said and I didn't mean it. It was Kevin and Meredith put me up to it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[whispers to Erin] I'm gonna kill you." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Michael, don't listen to them." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Thank you, Stanley." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "You just ignore their carp." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "A carp is both a fish and a term for complaing. They're mocking you with wordplay." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Hey, boss, did you find Nemo?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I can name Pixar movies, too. Toy Story." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Don't you mean 'Koi Story'?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "And when you fell in, did you flounder?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael, flounder is both a kind of fish and -" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know what a flounder is." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm not usually the butt of the joke. I'm usually the face of the joke. I wish Jim had fallen into that pond and he'd have to put on my suit and it'd be too short and he'd look... Damn it! He'd still look good." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "The most fundamental thing about sensitivity training is that you cannot make fun of a person for something or some action that they have done that they regret. Show of hands- who has been 'Koi-ponded'? Who here's been the butt of a joke that has gone too far? Phyllis?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Michael, you make fun of us every day." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Uh..." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Yeah. Every single day." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You never said anything." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Uh, we have. Countless times." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, it is hard to tell the difference between you guys saying, 'Stop because I want you to stop' or STOP as in 'Stop. You're making me laugh so hard. What you're doing is so funny. You are on a roll. I am busting a gut. Stop!'" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "That's never the case." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We are going to make a 'Do Not Mock' list. Ok? Anything that we think might be out of bounds, we put on this list. Anything you put on this list you cannot be teased about. Got it? I'm gonna kick it off. Let's see what I have to put on the list, right? [writes 'Koi pond' on the list] Ok. I also have fallen into the fountain at the Steamtown Mall. Ok. Who else? Who else? Dwight, come on." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I don't want people making fun of my nose." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Your nose?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "It's too small." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Alright." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Oh my. That is small." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Just, write it down, please." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Can you breathe okay?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "What keeps your glasses on?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey! It's on the list, everybody." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. I haven't finished writing. Did you sneeze it off? That's it. No more. Ok. Who else? Who else? Everybody's getting their chance." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I don't want people making fun of my weight." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok. That's to broad. It's gotta be something else. How 'bout your stomach? Yeah? [writes Huge Gut] Meredith?" }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I don't want to say it out loud." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok. Fine. Come on up here. Write it yourself. And don't sign your name to it. And nobody look. Everybody look away. Look away." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "I really didn't want to put it on the board but I thought maybe it was gonna come out somehow so... what are you gonna do? [she writes 'sex with a terrorist']" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ok." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "That is our sales pitch and we are stickin' to it." }, { "character": "Keena Gifford", "line": "Well, you two are quite the salesmen and a very cute couple." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well-" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh- [both look at each other and together say] Thank you." }, { "character": "Keena Gifford", "line": "Some couples don't seem like a good match. You two do." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, you know." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah. You know. Two peas in a pod. We complete each other. What can I say? She loves to cook-" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "He loves to eat." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I love to dance-" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I love to watch him dance." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Right. Sometimes I'll just dance for hours in the living room-" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "And I'll just watch him." }, { "character": "Keena Gifford", "line": "And a baby on the way? You must be so excited." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah. We are thrilled." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Mmm-hmm." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "In fact, we spent the whole weekend researching various birthing coaches. Wasn't that fun, honey?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "It was, sweetie." }, { "character": "Keena Gifford", "line": "Oh. I know the best teacher. Her name is Miss Janet." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah. On Clearview Avenue." }, { "character": "Keena Gifford", "line": "Yeah!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "This sounds ridiculous, I know, but some people say that I eat like a squirrel." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "So now you're comparing yourself to a cute, tiny animal?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Um, Michael? The custodian called again. Apparently a Koi has died. [everyone shows remorse]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's a fish." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "They want you to pay for it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It could've died of natural causes. So..." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Well, they said you stepped on it's head. He did not suffer." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "When is the funeral?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do not mock, Oscar. Do not mock. How much do they want?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "$300." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What? No. I could get a fish for a 5 cent worm." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "Oh, you're payin' way too much for your worms, man. Who's your worm guy?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Ok. Great meeting, everybody. That's it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thank you. [everyone begins to leave]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. We are not done here. This-" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "One of the baby books suggets the best birthing posture is on all fours, like an animal. I just wish I had a special telephone so I could find out exactly wht the little soy bean wants. Right? Hey, little soy bean. What do you want? Right. How do- It- I felt it kick!" }, { "character": "Keena Gifford", "line": "That's great!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, my gosh. Like a little magical foot just high-fived me." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, well, that'll happen." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, my gosh. It's like he's trying to say, 'I love you, too, Daddy'. I love you, too. [leans over and kisses Pam's belly]" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Sometimes we're so excited we forget where we are. Like at a business meeting." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Message received, little soy bean." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I think you just gotta ride this one out, man." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, Jim. You don't understand. Things like this don't just die. Kids in high school still call me 'Ponytail'." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, they don't." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes, they do, Jim. Because of the time I got my ponytail stuck in the power trail." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Maybe if you make fun of yourself it'll all go away." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I want to make fun of you right now." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Really? Do it. I am a big, stupid goofball." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. Don't do that. You're not. You're not stupid." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "See?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, my God." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey. I- I just wanna say that I cannot believe that I walked into a Koi pond. I mean, seriously. Walk much? [everyone starts laughing] Oh. I should wear a snorkel to the next business meeting that I go to." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Michael. You know, when you think about it, it's not all your fault. I mean, who puts a Koi pond in a lobby?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, you know what? You're right, Phyllis, but I've been there before. I've seen that pond. This is the thing, I am a world class moron. That's the problem." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael, please. Stop it now. You're embarrassing yourself." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's ok. We're having fun. It's not actually the first time I've been embarrassed by a pond. In high school, the girls volleyball team always used to hrow me into the frozen lake. Four years in a row. Oh... it was freezing. [Jim signals for making to stop] No. No. No. Oh, this is even worse. [Michael begins to lose his cool] Couple weeks ago I went to get a new cellphone and I wanted on of those packages where you have, you know, the friends- the five- the friends and family thing and the guys was like, 'Who are your 5 friends?' and I'm, like, 'Uh... ' I didn't even know I couldn't even think. [realizing he's going downhill] Oh, my God. It was so embarrassing. That was- oh. I don't even have Jan's cell phone number and I hate her! She won't give it to me. I was like, 'Oh, I guess I'm a loser. 'A luh-whooooo a za her'. Too far! God! Thanks a lot, man. Thanks for the advice." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[watching Angela eat something] Enjoying your nut?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Kevin." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Why?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "I'm not mocking. I was just making an observation about a nut." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I was." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey. Who wants to watch Michael's pond dive? My roommate's friend is the night janitor over there. He swiped the security tape for me and he's bringing it over." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Mm... I'm, know what? Maybe we should go easy on Michael, guys. You know, you watch that tape and you're gonna have to stay late for more sensitity training, so..." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "We'll stay late." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well, that went pretty well." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, I guess." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "We got a maybe. It was our first maybe. Going by the Nard Dog curve, I'd say we nailed it." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "If I'm being completely honest, I could've done without the belly kiss." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You know what? I'm sorry. 'Cause in that moment I knew I was kissing your belly too much." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah. Way too much." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I mean, what the hell was that?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What the heck was that?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "When you cried?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Agh- try almost cried, ok? I just got caught up in the fantasy." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You're fantsy involves comparison shopping birthing classes?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No. I know I'm gonna go with Miss Janet. I just- I don't know. It was fun to role play, right?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hmm." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I mean, it was fun for me. Having a wife and a little baby. Agh, I'm so sick of being single." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, are you dating anyone?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "What do you think of Erin? I mean- she's- I- She's kinda cool." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ah." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You think I can do better?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ah." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Gotta get my goin' out on." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Hey, let's watch this thing." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Ok. Yeah. We're not watchin' this." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "How can we not watch this?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What happened to 'Do Not Mock'?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "We're not mocking, we're watching." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That will inevitably lead to mocking. So..." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Well, we'll deal with it as it comes." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Is this the tape of me falling?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Yes. Put the DVD in." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Open QuickTime." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "It starts on it's own. Let it -" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "No! Use QuickTime. Trust me. I've done this." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Guys. Michael can't handle this and as your boss I'm saying we're not watching it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. It's ok. Watch it. He can't fire all of you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "What are you doing?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's alright. I can handle it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am a grown-up, Jim." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Shh. It's on." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Here they come. [everyone reacts to seeing Michael fall in] Boom!" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Oh. Did - did you see that?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "See what?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Why'd you stop it?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oscar, yes. You're right to stop it. Thank you. Eject it." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Jim, you let Michael fall in." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Play it again. [everyone has the same reaction as before] He purposefully leaned away and let you fall in." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh... man. I thinke when I started to see you go in I think I just froze." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't think you froze." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It's a killer new dance move. [re-enacts leaning back] Do you wanna talk in your office?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I didn't ask you. [back to Michael] Would you like to talk? [walks away]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Judas." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Jim is my enemy. But it turns out that Jim is also his own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So, Jim is actually my friend. But... because he is his own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy. So, actually Jim is my enemy. But-" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I should've grabbed you. I'm sorry. Look, I thought I could've done today's sales call alone. I mean, I may never be as good a salesman as you are, but I at least need the chance to do the job." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Jim is jealous of me? Jim is jealous of me." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "[as Jim enters the kitchen] Hey, what's up lifeguard?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Jim, I think I'm in your way. [leans back - they both exit]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oscar's a douche." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[laughing] He's alright." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. He's a- yeah, he's alright. Ok. [holds door open as they exit]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Thanks Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're welcome. Whoa! [leans back] Almost fell. [they both laugh]" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey, Erin. Do you mind faxing this for me?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh, sure. Oh, wait. Hand them to me upside down so I don't accidentally read them." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Ok." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Thanks." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Mmm-hmm." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "How did today go, by the way? Did you make any sales?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No. It was a total waste of time. Um... it was fun, though, because I got to spend the day with Andy Bernard. He's really cool." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yeah, he is!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, he is." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "He's, like, the coolest person I've ever met." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That's... right. He's like Marlon Brando." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh. Do you mean Marlon Wayans? 'Cause he is." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I actually do mean Marlon Wayan. Yeah." } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Good morning everybody. Who would like an authentic New York bagel? Hmmm? Stanley?" }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Thank you. [reaches for bagel]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, no, no, no. I got a pumpernickel just for you." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Wow. H & H. You went all the way to New York City to get us bagels?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, why? Is there a place closer that sells them?" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "This is really nice Dwight, thanks." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Thanks." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, don't mention it. You owe me one. You all owe me one." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Good morning Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Morning Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hungry?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No. I had a fish stick sandwich. Actually I had two fish stick sandwiches. My girlfriend didn't want hers. Because I guess I'm the only aphrodisiac she needs." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Fish sticks are not an aphrodisiac." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, yeah..." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You're thinking of deer penis." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It worked." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Regardless. That was over two hours ago and it is now a scientific fact that you are hungry. [holds up tray] Bagel?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't mind if I do." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "K. I brought cheese too." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm taking one for my lady friend." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Excellent." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Brain food. Thank you very much." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay. [walks out of Michael's office] You owe me." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Can't a guy just buy some bagels for his friends so they'll owe him a favor which he can use to get someone fired who stole a co-manager position from him anymore? Geez. When did everyone get so cynical?" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Pam, would you care for a bagel?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, no thank you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That's right. You're a woman and you need to refuse food the first time. I'll try again. Please Pam, reconsider and have a bagel." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I have an early lunch." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael's been trying to get Jim and me to hang out ever since he started dating my mom. I don't know. I really hoped this thing would just die out, but today he's planning a birthday lunch for my mom and we have to go. No way out. No way out." } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "These are amazing. You took all these?" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I've always found beauty in uncommon places. Homeless people. Graffiti. Photography lets me capture all that. Have you ever been photographed before?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh just by like friends." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Well here's what I've been doing around here. It's for a series on exposure in the workplace." }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "[walks into the office] Whoohoo! Pammy?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey! [gets up to greet Helene] Hey. Happy birthday." }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "Thank you. [they hug]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[comes over to hug them both] My girls. There they are. [Pam walks away]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Birthday lunch. Birthday lunch-- there is no better medicine than birthday lunch. It'll cure all of your \"Gee I don't know if Michael should be dating my mother\" and fixes all occurrences of \"I don't really see them together\". So, open wide Pam and take a big old spoonful of birthday lunch medicine. Take with food." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Pam, aren't you going to introduce us to Michael's girlfriend?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I think you guys all remember my mom from the wedding." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah--" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Hi." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I think everyone has meet Helene. Shall we?" } ], [ { "character": "Helene", "line": "Wait a minute. [looks at the bag in Michael's hand] Is that another birthday present for me cause you already gave me a necklace." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Oh my God I love it. [looks at camera and shakes head]" }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "Tell her how you gave it to me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, that wouldn't be--" }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "He put it around my neck while I was still asleep this morning. What a nice way to wake up." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yeah. The rest of the story has been censored due to-- inappropriosity." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Because of sex?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey--" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Kevin!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Please, Kevin. You're fired. [Kevin looks at Jim; Jim shakes his head] Sorry, sorry. Work with a bunch of idiots. Shall we go?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yes, let's go. [looks at Erin and nods]" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Oh, wait. Um-- Swartz Lumber is on the phone for you Pam and they say it's urgent." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh, you guys. Just one second. [picks up phone] Oh my gosh! Are you serious? Shipping emergency. I don't think I can go to lunch." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh man, that's crazy. Right as we were on our way out too." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I know. Isn't that always how it goes?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Rarely. If ever. Let me give it a whirl. I'll talk to them." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I want to handle it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's okay." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I feel like its--" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "It's my pleasure. [takes phone from Pam] Hello? Well that's great. [hangs up phone] Turns out the paper was there all along." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "[sighs] Thank God." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "Something's up. That paper was never supposed to arrive." } ], [ { "character": "Helene", "line": "So, Pammy-- are you still liking sales?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah-- it's exciting." }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "Well, you know-- Michael and I were-- talking, and maybe if you put a little more face to face time with your clients you could improve your sales." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Pam's sales are fine actually." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Just want you to succeed Pammy. You know what, we shouldn't even be talking about business today." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Thank you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Today is about family." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Why did I get in the car? I could of struggled. I have a whistle in my purse I didn't even blow it." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oh, Dwight. I have a little surprise for you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Let me guess-- you ate the bagel I gave you and loved it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yes! [they laugh] And I wanted to return the favor. I was polishing my loafers and I happened to look over and noticed that your brief case was a little worse for the wear, so a little elbow grease and she's polished right up, back up to her former glory." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wow--" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Feel it against your cheek." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I will. [Andy rubs the briefcase against Dwight's face]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "You give me a gift-- Bam! Thank you note. You invite me somewhere-- Pow! RSVP. You do me a favor-- Wham! Favor returned. Do not test my politeness." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Let me get that door for you-- [runs to open door]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Whoa--" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "There you go!" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Thank you very much. Now I've got it for you. [holds open door]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh... goodness... thanks. You know, here's a healthy fitness tip. If you clench your buttocks together while walking you can really take the pressure off your knees." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Is that right?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Observe. [walks towards desk]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Huh. [laughs; follows Dwight]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Right?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That really works." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Yeah, feel free to use that. Anytime. Okay." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Hey-- oh, hold on a second. Do not walk around with your jacket cattywampus." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[straightens Andy's tie] And that needs to be straight as an arrow." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Whoa-- thank you very much. [takes off Dwight's glasses and blows on them] Oh boy." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Thank you very much for that." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[puts Dwight's glasses back on Dwight's face] You are very welcome." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[pulls out Andy's chair] Have a seat. Allow me." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[pulls out Dwight's chair] Have a seat yourself." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You know what? I am going to preemptively change the batteries in your wireless mouse." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Not necessary." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, no, no! [takes mouse and runs away]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You didn't have to do that." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Andy is complicating things. But I'm not worried. This will only up my game." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hello. Scott. Table for four." }, { "character": "Hostess", "line": "Welcome Scott family. It'll be just a moment." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I use to love coming here. The chicken parm is good. Big part of my childhood. Oh, maybe Michael will start dating that too." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "What table should we take? So many to choose from." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow." }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "[sees table decorated with a banner and balloons] Oh my God!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What? All I see are boring old tables with no birthday decorations. Oh, wait a second! You mean this one? Wow!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael, you did all this?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Not about taking credit. Let's just say we all did it." }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "Well, thank you. All of you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, it was actually me alone, so-- wow look at this place. Really makes me want to go to Italy some day." }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "Oh you'll love it. You can have my guide books. I think I'm done with those really long plane rides." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh. Thank you. Thanks for lending me the books." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "So, mom... which birthday are we celebrating this year?" }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "[laughs] Sticking with 49." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "49 again? That's nine years in a row. This is now our longest family tradition." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's funny." }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "Well, as long as you're running numbers Pam, then help me out with this one. Let's see your six months pregnant, but you've only been married for 30 days, so what does that add up to?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, burn. Burn on you... and a little bit on me, too. [they laugh]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're 54 years old." }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "No. I'm 58." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're 58 years old?" }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "Uh huh." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Congratulations." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "The only time you should care about a woman's age is if she is too young for you and I am not robbing the cradle. If anything I am robbing the grave." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Mom, have you decided what you want to be called?" }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "Oh, well I like Nana, but I also like the classic Grandma." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Please be Grandma." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Definitely Grandma." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I want you to be Grandma." }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "Oh, Michael what do you think? Grandma?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[nods uncomfortably] That--" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yay, Grandma!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, would you guys ever do a triathlon, do you think?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Maybe." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Helene?" }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "Oh, oh no. I don't think so." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I am. I'm definitely going to do it. I've already got the run and the bike thing down. Just need to learn how to swim. Come on, you in?" }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "Oh no, I think a triathlon is pretty much something I can rule out. It just-- doesn't interest me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So it's a matter of interest. Good, okay. It's not anything you would have ever done." }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "Hmm... I might have done it when I was younger, but now there's just other things I'd rather be doing, instead of running and jumping and swimming--" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well there's no jumping in a triathlon." }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "Oh--" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're thinking of the broad jump. Would you try-- bungee jumping?" }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "No, no... [laughs]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Snowboarding?" }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "You want to go snowboarding?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I might." }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "Michael, what are you talking about?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[sighs] Nothing. Just life-- and doing things-- before you die. I don't know." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do I really want to go snowboarding? No. But I would like to if I wanted to." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[singing fanfare] Aye-yi-yi! [lifts covers off trays of food]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What's going on in here?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Andy bought lunch." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh... no... really?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yep, yep. Took a page right out of the old Schrute book of niceness." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "There is no book. There's only a survival guide." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "You bought breakfast for everyone, so I got lunch for everyone." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Okay, well, allow me. You know what-- gosh these tacos are awfully complicated to make. I will make everyone's tacos! Gra-ga-ga-ga-ga!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "So we should get the check?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What about your gift Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, no, no, no. No. It's stupid. You'd hate it. I hate it." }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "I'm sure I won't." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes you will." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "He locked himself in his office all morning working on it." }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "Gimme. Look at this wrapping paper. It's got the word love on it in every language." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Aww--" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I literally-- I put no thought into the wrapping at all. Might as well of been toilet paper." }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "[opens present, reads inscription] A scrapbook of our first memories by Michael Gary Scott. For my girlfriend Helene on your birthday. [laughs]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's just an arbitrary title." }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "Ok, there's a penny. What's that from?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Penny for your thoughts." }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "It was from the wishing well at the mall. You threw it in. I went back later, waded in and I found it." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Wow." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That's amazing." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's not amazing... at all. It's sort of weird that I went and did that. And now your wish won't come true, so that blows." }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "[looking through the book] A poem!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh that I plagiarized I think." }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "[reading] I can not go to school today said little Peggy Ann McKay..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[whispers to Pam] Shel Silverstein." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "Um-- I have the measles and the mumps, a gash, a rash and purple bumps. And my teachers really mean-- Happy Birthday , I love you Helene." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "That's really nice Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I think it sucks." }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "I think it's wonderful, absolutely wonderful." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, that's because you and I have very different tastes and you like lame things. It's a generational-- sort of gap between us." }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "[hugging book] God... it's a scrapbook." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Home run Michael." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You set the bar so high." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That was a bunt." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Whoa, whoa Dwight. I'm going to do this." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey, hey, hey-- relax I got it covered." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "No, I insist." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, no, no, no, no, no, I insist. [pushes Andy out of the room and locks the door]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Ok, Dwight this is ridiculous." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Don't worry about it. You can just owe me." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Hey. Where'd you go?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, just went to the bathroom." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "And then you stopped at the bar on the way back?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I got thirsty." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay, weirdo. Come on. It's time for cake." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Honestly, for a long time I thought I was going to grow old with Holly. And then I met Helene. And she is great and she already knows and has done everything that I have ever wanted to do and can tell me about it. But, I think I want to do those things myself." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "Cakes really good." }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "Oh, I know. I love how they use butter cream frosting." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Finish your cake, Helene." }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "Hmmm?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I want you to enjoy that cake because I have something terrible I need to tell you. I want you to enjoy your cake before I tell you this terrible, terrible thing." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Helene I think you're a wonderful person and I-- God-- I've enjoyed dating you and being your boyfriend so much. But I have to consider Pam's feelings as a friend and a co-worker I can not in good conscience continue to date you, when I know what this is doing to her." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael. Michael ,it's okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No it's not." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I know that it took me a little while to come around and its still a little weird to get used to, but you obviously make my mom very happy. And that makes me happy." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Wow. That just-- you've really grown." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well--" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[covering eyes] Thank you Pam. And I hope you are as gracious during this next part. Helene, once again you are a wonderful person and you have lived a great life and I envy it. And I want it someday, but just in the future. You need somebody who-- who understands your references. Who is Kafkaesque? I've never-- I don't know him. There's another woman. And her name is Italy... and skydiving... and bungee jumping." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Okay, so--" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "And I want kids. And you... unfortunately, have already completed that part of your journey down there." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's not my decision. It's mother nature. And mother has very strict rules about fer-- [waitress comes over to pour water; long pause] -- tility." }, { "character": "Helene", "line": "I, um-- I got it." } ], [ { "character": "Helene", "line": "I'm 58. What am I supposed to do now?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, hobbies--" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Stop." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[reaching for something on the top shelf] Ahh." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What's going on?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Stupid things wedged up there. No one in this office will help me." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Alright, move it." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "What if Dwight dies and I still owe him something? That is a recipe for a ghost." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh yeah, you're going to owe me big time." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It's like a little envelope-- there you go." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Got it. [looks at envelope] To Dwight. Wha-- [opens envelope] Starbucks gift card." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Surprise! [laughs] It's from everybody. $15 value." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Dammit. I am no closer to taking Jim down. What a waste of a day. I could of grown poisoned mushrooms that would have been this high by now. [bends over and hold hand about 1/2 an inch from the floor] They're mushrooms. They don't get that high." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Pamela Beesly Halpert--" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "May I have a word with you in my office please?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I am working." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well, this is a work related matter." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes. Join me please, won't you? [Pam gets up and follows Michael into his office] I am going to give you a raise." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Why?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Because of all the good work you've done." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I have the lowest sales record of anyone here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That's-- no, no-- it's not about numbers, Pam. It's about attitude." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I have the worst attitude of any person here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do you want the raise or what?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Yeah, I'll take it. [turns to leave]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey, Pam, Pam-- with this raise there are strings attached. [Pam sighs] And the string is attached from my heart to your mean attitude." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You're bribing me?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No! No-- no I am not. Unless you want me to. DO you want me to? Cause I will. I will bribe you. No. Your face is saying don't-- unless I haven't offered you enough... your face isn't changing. What is it? Talk to me face. Tell me what Pam's brain is thinking. Come on! What do you want? What do you want? Do you want a million dollars? Do you want to hit me? Want me to get down on one knee and beg you or--" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I want to hit you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I want to hit you. I'll do that." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[nervous laughter] Oh-- okay , what? I don't-- Are you kidding?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No. Are you kidding?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ye-- No. Alright. I'll take off my jacket and tense my stomach and you can just--" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No. I don't think I can hit you in the office." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "So, um... we'll do it after work. In the parking lot. In front of everyone. I'm going to hit you as hard as I can." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "See you then." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "See you." } ], [ { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Quick question." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "Are you scared?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Never. About what? A little-- what are you talking--" }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "We heard about the punch." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What punch?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "Pam. She's going to punch the crap out of your face after work." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I'm pretty sure we said slap." }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "No, it's a punch and Pam has that crazy pregnancy strength now." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "I'm getting concerned that you don't seem to understand what's going to happen. Do you?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I-- mmm-- I'm good." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "alright. See you there." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Do you and Pam ever get frisky?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Inappropriate." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I mean-- do you ever wrestle with each other?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "All the time." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Really?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "She strong?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "She wants it bad Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Can you stop this?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I can." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And I don't support her choice to hit you." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't either." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "But at the same time she looks crazy and I do understand her reasoning." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Mmm-hmm. I know." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I just need some time." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You gotta do something--" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I just need some time. Just give me some time to make a decision." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "How much time do you think you'll need?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No more than a week. Maybe two weeks." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Come on, man!" } ], [ { "character": "Toby", "line": "Pam, can I talk to you for a second?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Oh..." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "I heard about the hit. Just-- make sure it's off company property, right?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Right." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Okay, I think we should probably be okay." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Okay. And-- the-the power-- comes from the back foot. So its-- its all one motion through the-- body. So you stay a little low and there's a twist. You keep your shoulder down and you kind of throw out the arm. [demonstrates punch] Pow!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[stands up; gets into stance] Okay wait-- it's-- you're saying it comes from the foot." }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay. [punches Toby's hand]" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Wow!" }, { "character": "Toby", "line": "Okay." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Hey everybody, he's not in the men's room although the seat was warm so we may have just missed him." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "My money's on Pam." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "It's not a fight. What other outcome could there be?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Michael could win." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "How? He can't hit back." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Why can't you just agree with me sometimes?" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Am I scared of getting hit in the face? No. Everyday weirdo's pay dominatrix's hundreds of dollars for that very privilege. I'm scared I'm gonna love it. [claps hands] Let's do this." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's okay guys... I can handle this. Everybody can go home." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "We're here for the show, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You're just a bunch of voyeurs. Are you eating popcorn?" }, { "character": "Kelly", "line": "It has almost no calories." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Are you ready?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[goes to punch Michael; he flinches] You have to keep your hands down, Michael." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I know. [sighs] Okay. Alright. [Pam goes to punch him again] Oh-- God!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael, you have to put your hands down." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Put your hands in your pockets." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay! [braces himself] Pam, Pam-- I'm really sorry. I'm sorry." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "What are you sorry for?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "So many things. I don't know. It's hard to choose." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "How about for dating my mom?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Maybe that--" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "And dumping her on her birthday." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Okay-- just-- don't ever date a member of my family again." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Okay. I promise. [Pam starts to walk away] For the record your mom came on to me. [Pam turns around and slaps him; he gasps]" }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Holy crap." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Are you okay?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No!" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "You're okay." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Feel better?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "No. You were right." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[walks with Michael back into the office; Michael is clutching is face and limping] Wait, why are you limping?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I don't know." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Let's get some raw meat on that face. I got a chicken in the freezer upstairs." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "As I watched Pam's big, strong hand coming towards my face I saw my entire life flash before my eyes. And guess what? I have four kids. And I have a hover-car and a hover-house. And my wife is a runner and it shows. And Pam and Jim are my best friends and our kids play together. And I am happy and I am rich and I never die. It doesn't sound like much, but its enough for me." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ahh... [Dwight is holding a frozen chicken to his face]" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Good, good. Keep it on there for another five minutes. Just let the swelling go down." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh thank you. Thanks. I owe you one Dwight." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Fire Jim." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I'm cashing in the favor. Fire him." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "What are you talking about--" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Do it. Promote me. Tri-managers." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Forget that." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Can I have an office?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You know what you can keep your stupid favor. It's worthless. And this is my dinner on your face. I'm keeping it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[pats face] Oh that feels better." } ] ]

[]

[ [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[screaming, Phyllis and Dwight wrestling] Got you! Broken arm! Boom Boom Boom! Broken Nose! Boom Boom Boom Boom! Broken Nose! Boom! Ha, gonna flip you!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Once a year Dwight holds a seminar updating us on the newest developments in the world of karate... because as we all know, the one thing thousand year martial arts do all the time is change." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "How can I pose this to you in a relatable way? You are all members of the Yakuza and you happen to be visiting the Lackawanna trolley museum... and you are attacked by triads... how can you hold them off until your clan arrives? You cannot go wrong with a throat punch [screams, pretends to punch Meredith in the throat]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "OK, so there's no defense for that, good to know." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "No, there is a defense for that. Let me demonstrate. Someone attack me. Kevin, go!" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "No way. Last time you pulled my pants down and then you tried to choke me with my shoelace." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "False. I did choke you with your shoelace. Now come at me!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "OK, with all due respect to everyone here, I think the most worthy opponent of you is you." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "That is correct. Unless there happened to be measles present." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "So let's just say that Dwight has come at you with the throat punch. Now how would you, Dwight, defend against it?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Easy. Allow me to demonstrate. I am attacking myself with a throat punch. Here it comes. [gives himself a fake throat punch] Block. Grasp wrist as such. [grasps wrist]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And what if he comes at you with the other hand, because he does have two." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Good point. Second, throat punch, absorb the blow. [gives himself another throat punch and proceeds to both attack and defend himself] Groin punch, hip block, elbow to the gut. Uh oh, up to the nose. No, you're not. Ow! Oh!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh my God, he's making you look like such a fool." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "He really is, but not for long. [steps on foot] Ow! Instep, oh, not again. [more screaming] You let go, you let go. Oh, you're right, I can't hold on." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "You two are so evenly matched I don't know how one of you is going to get the upper hand." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "The important thing to remember Jim... we always have what is called the element of surprise. [hits himself in the groin and moans]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "But I would say my favorite art form is a tie between sculpting and stand up comedy." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I did stand up comedy once." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You did?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, I killed." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That sounds like it was hilarious." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "It was hilarious." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Michael?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Yes?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "What is the meaning of this email that everyone got?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You'll have to be more specific Dwight, I get like eight emails a day." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "This one, from David Wallace to all Dunder Mifflin." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Woo hoo, shout out!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hello everyone I am sure you have seen the item in the Journal. I just want to stress that it's all conjecture. If there's any concrete news you will know ASAP." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Erin, do we have the journal?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Your feelings journal? You told me to put it in the time capsule." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Did you?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Michael, he means the Wall Street Journal online." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, the Wall." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I found the article. [everyone walks over to his desk, he begins reading the article] \"On a day marked by panicked corporate board meetings, one that is relatively not surprising is Dunder Mifflin's. It is rumored that they will recommend... \" and the article cuts off." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's $1.99 to finish the article. I wonder what it was going to say? [no one makes a move to pay for the article]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Are you serious? [starts typing on the computer and Andy begins to lean in toward the computer]" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I got it, I got it... Oh, Tuna beat me to it." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "\"It is rumored that they will recommend declaring bankruptcy.\"" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, that doesn't make any sense." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Oh lord, we're all gonna lose our jobs." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Not necessarily, bankruptcy could mean a lot of things. Maybe they're just restructuring to get out of debt." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh, that sounds awful." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Or it could mean the end of Dunder Mifflin." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oh God. Well, that's an interesting theory." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You know what? You can all have jobs at Schrute Farms as human scarecrows. It doesn't pay much and you can't unionize." } ], [ { "character": "David Wallace's Secretary", "line": "I'm sorry, Michael, David's in a meeting." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Ah, well maybe you should spy on him. [in Valley Girl voice] Oh my God, wouldn't that be hilarious! [laughs]" }, { "character": "David Wallace's Secretary", "line": "Um, I'll just have him call you back." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK, OK. Good. I'll catch you on the flippity flip. Bye. [hangs up phone] He's busy, he'll call me back when he's free." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[retching sounds coming from the men's bathroom, Kevin walks to the door and goes in] Michael, are you OK? Did you throw up in there?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I'm just poopin'. You know how I be." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "It smells like throw up in here." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Crazy world. Lotta smells." } ], [ { "character": "Kelly", "line": "[in lunch room with several coworkers] Guys, what if this is our last day at work? What if we never see each other ever again? [Andy scoffs and looks over at Erin, Erin looks sad]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I like Erin. There, I said it. I was kinda hoping she would ask me out, but things have not panned out on that front, so... it is time for the Nard Dog to take matters into his own paws." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Michael in his office playing music loudly, Jim walks in and turns the volume down, Michael trailing off on singing] We have to do something because people are losing it out there wondering what's going to happen." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK, we need some sort of distraction for everybody. Anything new on YouTube? Doesn't even need to be good. Oh God, I can't think, need more Mullins." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Listen, Wallace said these were just rumors, right? So we have no reason to think the company is anything but fine. So if we just go on with our work, you and me, they'll follow along." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Monkey see, monkey do." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That's it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Monkey pee all over you." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "That rhymes, so what have we on the docket today?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We have a monthly staff meeting" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright, let's conference room it up! [everyone is now in the conference room] Here's the deal guys. There is no new information as of yet, so I suggest we all just keep working." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Sure I'm a little nervous, but doing our work will make us feel better. I only slack off when things are good." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Customers have to use the coupon code from the website. And as of now there is no differentiation between the letter O and the zero, but we are working on that. Stay tuned for that." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "[Michael leaves] He needs me. Seat saved infinity. [leaves]" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "OK, great." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[walks back in, on cell phone] What? Oh my God! [everyone starts asking questions] There has been a murder. There's been a murder in Savannah. [runs back to his office]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "Games have the power to distract people from stressful situations. Battleship got me through my parents' divorce. Operation got me through my vasectomy, i.e., my operation. I don't think I would have been able to endure my breakup with Holly had it not been for Toss Across." } ], [ { "character": "Meredith", "line": "[reading the game box cover] Belles, Bourbon and Bullets, a murder mystery dinner party game." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It is so much fun. Everybody plays a character, we go around the room, we try to figure out who did it..." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey, I am wondering if this is a, uh, terrible idea." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "This is my call Jim, big picture stuff, it's about murder." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I thought we agreed that we wouldn't do things like this." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Tube City, you owe me one." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Co-managing is a give and take. You have to pick your battles. One of the battles that I picked was to stop Michael from running plastic tubes all over the office and placing hamsters inside of them. He was going to call it Tube City. So, yes, I do owe him one." } ], [ { "character": "Voice on CD player", "line": "August the 5th, 1955. It's a sad day down here in Savannah. Local magnate Bill Bourbon was killed last night and all y'all have congregated tonight for a meal to celebrate Bill as he passes on to his great reward. You're not just here to pay your respects, you have to figure out which of y'all is the no-count scoundrel who killed him." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "This is ridiculous. [gets up to leave, as does Angela]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "There will be food. You leave, you do not get food." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "What kind of food?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Sandwich platters." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "I'm in. [sits back down]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Baby carrots. [Angela sits back down]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK, here are your character cards. Take one, pass it down. Here is your prop box, some of your characters will have props. Now, on your character card, it tells you who you are, and what your alibi is. Everything else is up to your imagination. So, if you talk slowly in real life, your character could, say, have been kicked in the head by a horse." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Whoa, I'll try it." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "OK, use your imaginations." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Who'd you get?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Naughty Nellie Nutmeg, a vivacious young socialite with a penchant for scandal." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Oooooo, saucy." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "How about you?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Nathaniel Nutmeg, the local bartender and Nellie's brother." } ], [ { "character": "Angela", "line": "Michael, I don't like this game. It's scary." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "It's not scary." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "I don't like my character." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Who are you?" }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Voodoo Mama Juju, the witch doctor of the Savannah swamps. I'm not comfortable with this. [holds up a head]" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Well how do you think I feel? I mean I have to play Caleb Crawdad, handsome playboy. Every night, a different woman. Being oogled. Having to hug and kiss and spoon, I make them feel beautiful." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[looks at Oscar who is using his phone, grabs it] Well, well, well. What is this contraption, I do declare?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "It's my blackberry Michael, I am trying to get updates on the company." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Who's Michael? I'm Caleb Crawdad, I do declare." }, { "character": "Ryan", "line": "You don't have to keep saying \"I do declare\". Any time you say something it means you are declaring." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "That is the way Southern people talk." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "And what Designing Woman are you basing that on?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Delta Burke, I do declare. Now, shall we get to the mystery?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I'll go. [stands up, begins speaking with a southern accent] My name is Deborah U. Tante. Deb for short." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "That's clever, Debutante." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Bill Bourbon was my uncle. I would have never hurt him any more than I'd hurt a June bug." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "Nice accent. You sound like Forrest Gump." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I do not." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Well, you do actually. You've got this kinda like Florida Panhandle thing going, whereas what you really want is more of a Savannah accent, which is more like molasses just sorta spillin' out of your mouth." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Oooo, now do the Swedish chef." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Uh, not familiar, what province is he from?" }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "He lives on Sesame Street, dumbass." } ], [ { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "You know, I think I'm supposed to say something to Pam, I mean, Deb, OK? [in character] I overheard you asking the butler where the pistol was kept." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Wait a minute, wait a minute. I'm the butler. You were listening in on that? You rich people. You think you can do whatever you want to the servant class!" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, no, no. Don't turn this into a political thing." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I will poison your food." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I reckon I got something to say to Miss Beatrix Bourbon, if'n she don't mind." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Oooooo, doggie, we got a party now!" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "I do believe that the game is a big hit. People are really diving into their characters." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Y'all." } ], [ { "character": "Creed", "line": "[Creed pulls into the parking lot and goes into the office] Sorry I'm late, boss. What's going on?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[accent] Sir, there has been a murder, and you are a suspect." }, { "character": "Creed", "line": "OK. Hang on just a second. Let me just settle in and I'll be right back." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Very good, very good. Now, no one was there in the wine cellar. [Creed gets in his car and drives away]" } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[in character] Hey there young lady." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Hello." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I would be remiss if I did not ask the pretty young lady out on a date for this weekend." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Sounds like a plan, Sugar." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Alright, a plan it is." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Voodoo Mama Juju, explain your dalliance with the Dark Arts." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "It's not my fault, I was exposed to Harry Potter." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I know you did it!" } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I know she didn't do it. It's never the person you most suspect. It's also never the person you least suspect, since anyone with half a brain would suspect them the most. Therefore I know the killer to be Phyllis, AKA Beatrix Bourbon, the person I most medium suspect." } ], [ { "character": "Kevin", "line": "[in character] Do you want to go out on a date with me? We can make out by the horses." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Well, you know ol' Nellie's always up for a romp in the hay." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "How about a threesome?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Yeah, my boudoir's always open." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Nice." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "I'm a little worried I might have asked out Naughty Nellie and not Erin. Which would be a whole lot less appealing, because Naughty Nellie says yes to everyone. And she might be a murderer." } ], [ { "character": "Oscar", "line": "I just got an email from corporate, specifically for Accounting to stop all payments to our vendors." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "What does that mean?" }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "Well, maybe nothing but it could mean a problem with liquidity-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[accent] Whoa. What's this strange Yankee accent coming out of your mouth, son? This here's Savannah." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "[tries to speak in a high-pitched southern accent] This plantation, we're running low on greenbacks. We're having problems paying the people who give us the seeds and the dirt. We can't pay... [in regular voice] - Michael, I can't - Basically it could mean a lot of things, but it is unprecedented, so it's cause for concern." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "OK, I'm going back to work." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No no no no no no no. [accent] I'm going to skip forward to a relevant clue. Here we go." } ], [ { "character": "Voice on CD player", "line": "Well by now you've figured out that ol' Beatrix Bourbon was the killer." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Michael, I was doing so well." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[accent] Are you going to believe that? That is a mis- that's a misdirection. We still don't know who the murderer is. [everyone leaves] Nellie Nutmeg, come back in here. I can't do this myself. Voodoo Mama Juju... what am I gonna do?" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "OK, so Corporate is still in their meeting." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "That could be a good sign." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Hey everyone, Kevin's going to give us his take on the situation. Let's listen up." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Alright guys, it's a work day and you guys work here, so let's go do some work." }, { "character": "Kevin", "line": "Now, Jim telling us all to work? I think that is a very good sign." }, { "character": "Angela", "line": "Don't just say things." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Michael walks in] Oh, hey, Michael. Listen, I brought up those sales targets. Do you want to-" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "[accent] I do believe you have me mistaken, my name is Caleb Crawdad. Y'all skedaddled way too soon. We need to reopen this case." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No, you're not reopening the case. The case is closed." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No it ain't." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Frankly, I'm not surprised. A lot of the evidence seemed to be based on puns." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "Just thinking about Weekend at Bernie's. It's funny, the guy's dead the whole time." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I haven't seen it." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Speaking of weekends, you excited about our date this weekend?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[accent] Of course, Nathaniel." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Yeah, OK." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[accent] Where are you taking me?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "[accent] Well, finest steakhouse in all Savannah." }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "[accent] Savannah? That's a far way from Scranton." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Did you mean a real date?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "No. [laughs] Did you?" }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "Totally... not. [Erin gets up and walks away]" } ], [ { "character": "Erin", "line": "I thought it was for real. So I was excited, but it was just, it was part of the game." } ], [ { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You're sure it was water, it couldn't have been acid?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "I already declared you, it was too dark to tell." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Stop playing games with me, Crawdad." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "This is not a game, this is my life. You are out of order, sir." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Answer me." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You are out of order." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "You are out of order." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "You are-" } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "I think Michael may have snapped." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Or maybe he's just stuck in character." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Well, which is worse? Snapped or stuck?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Both. They're both worse." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "It's going to be alright. We're a good company, we'll figure this out. We're not going under." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Jim, what if we both lose our jobs? I'm trying to think of a way that this all ends up fine, and I can't think of one." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[comes into Jim's office using accent] Deb, what in the world - do you have the vapors?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Michael, not now." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Can't wait, we have to get you to our witch doctor right now. Come on. Come on." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "I should just go. [accent] Where to now Caleb?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "To Mama Juju Boo Boo." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Michael, can I... OK, I'm just going to skip right past the what and go with why." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Because this is the recreation of a crime scene." }, { "character": "Meredith", "line": "[laying on the ground] I'm the dead body and these are my brain chunks." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Hey shut up. You're dead." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Michael, can I talk to you in your office?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No Michael here, my name is-" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Caleb!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Today of all days..." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, you shut up. They need this game, Jim. Let us have this stupid little game, alright? [Jim nods]" } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "[accent] Oh, you startled me. My stars, my heart nearly leapt out of my chest. What can I do you for?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "Wallace is on the phone. He's returning your call." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Detective Wallace?" }, { "character": "Erin", "line": "I don't think so. I think it's David Wallace from Dunder Mifflin." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Aw, shucks, tell him I'm not here." }, { "character": "Oscar", "line": "You're not gonna answer the phone?" }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "No, I only answer to Detective Wallace 'cause I got a warm body in the other room." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "I'll take it." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Hey David." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Hey, sorry to be getting back to you guys so late. Things are still a bit unclear, we didn't officially decide anything yet." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Oh, OK." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "But if I can be candid with you here Jim, it's not good. We fully expect to be out of money by the end of the year. Insolvent. So, well... You know what? I'm sorry, I have to run. But we will talk soon, OK?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Sure. Oh, you know, while I have you... today I was working on this pitch for a supermarket chain, and it would actually be a big account and I wanted to-" }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "You know what? I can't really get my head around anything like that right now, but that's great. Keep after it, but I gotta run." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "OK." }, { "character": "David Wallace", "line": "Thanks Jim." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "See ya." } ], [ { "character": "Pam", "line": "[Jim comes out of the office] What's the news?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Nothing yet." }, { "character": "Phyllis", "line": "Well, I guess that's not-" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Well there is some bad news. [accent] There has been another murder." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "A murder, you say? I do declare." }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Conference room everyone." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Do we have to play?" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "No." }, { "character": "Stanley", "line": "Super." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "Oh, this could be a juicy one." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "Get in there!" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "I think today was a good day to have two managers. 'Cause if you're a family stuck on a lifeboat in the middle of the ocean, one parent might want to just keep rowing. But if the other parent wants to play a game, it's not because they're crazy. It's because they're doing it for the kids. And I get that now." } ], [ { "character": "Michael", "line": "There has been a lot of murder and a lot of intrigue. My little heart can barely take it no more. [regular voice] Today is the hardest I have worked in a long, long time." } ], [ { "character": "Andy", "line": "[Andy, Michael, and Dwight are pointing imaginary guns at each other] I didn't do it!" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "OK, everybody just calm down." }, { "character": "Andy", "line": "I am calm." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "On the count of three we're all going to put down our guns." }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "I have crossbows." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "We'll put down our weaponry on the count of three, you ready?" }, { "character": "Dwight", "line": "OK, I'm ready." }, { "character": "Michael", "line": "One, two, three.. [all scream]" } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "Andy revealed himself to be a double agent. At which point Dwight felt comfortable revealing that he also was double agent. And then Michael announced to everybody that - get this- he was a double agent. Oh, and it is 6:00." } ], [ { "character": "Jim", "line": "[Michael, Dwight, Andy and now Pam are in the circle and training their 'weapons' on each other, Jim walks in] Really?" }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "[accent] It wasn't me. I'm not goin' down for this!" }, { "character": "Jim", "line": "Yeah, I want to go home." }, { "character": "Pam", "line": "Get the keys out of my purse, start the car. [Jim and Pam slowly back out of the office, Pam has her weapon trained on everyone and then they run out]" } ] ]

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