diff --git "a/fullMentalHealth.csv" "b/fullMentalHealth.csv" new file mode 100644--- /dev/null +++ "b/fullMentalHealth.csv" @@ -0,0 +1,2455 @@ +Questions,Answers +"My wife and mother are having tense disagreements. In the past, they've had minor differences. For example, my wife would complain to me my mother is too overbearing; my mother would complain my wife is lazy. +However, it's intensified lately. I think the cause is my wife talked back to her once. Now, any little disagreement is magnified, leading to major disagreements. What can I do?"," What you are describing is something psychologists have termed "triangulation" which is what happens when one family member will not talk to the one they have a problem with and goes to a third member of the family to complain instead. You have been "triangulated" by your wife and mother. This is often seen in families. It's seen everywhere. How many times have you had a problem with someone but you didn't go to them to tell them, you went to someone else to complain? It is usually difficult for a person to confront another, especially in relationships where there is a power differential. For example, I bet it's easier to complain to a coworker about your boss rather than go to the boss with your complaint. I'm not saying triangulation is always a bad thing. Sometimes a third party mediator is needed to help solve problems between two people who disagree. That's what therapists do every day! Sometimes just getting someone else's perspective can help you see the issue clearer. However, in your situation it sounds like this is becoming a problem. You are stuck in the middle between two people that love you and that you love. If you want to put a stop to this triangulation, you will need to encourage the two of them to talk to each other and work out their differences. Perhaps it was a simple misunderstanding that some open communication can clear up. Even if they really don't like each other and can't get along, your relationship with the both of them is going to continue to deteriorate the longer you are stuck in the middle.  Try to understand what might be the feelings behind their behavior. It is possible that they may both feel threatened by the other. These are the two most important women in your life and they both know it. Your mother may be afraid that she will lose you if she confronts your wife. I heard one mother-in-law describe her son's wife as the gateway to her son. The wife has the power to dictate when and how often the mother gets to see her son. The wife also is the gateway to the grandchildren. If your wife doesn't like her mother-in-law she can severely hamper or damage her mother-in-law's relationship with you and any children you two may have. From your wife's viewpoint, this is the woman that she may feel like she can never live up to. If you regularly praise your mom's cooking, her housework, gardening, or anything else your wife may feel that you are putting down her own efforts in these areas and can feel unappreciated. This can be especially difficult if your wife and mother are nothing alike. I am not saying that this is the case with your family's situation. These are just a few examples from other families in a similar situation as yours.  Regardless of what the cause is, if this dysfunctional pattern is allowed to continue, your mom and your wife will begin to get upset with you when you don't agree with them. They will get upset if you don't align yourself with them against the other. They will be offended when it seems like you are choosing the other one's side or that you are not standing up for them like they think you should. In worst cases, if it continues to escalate you may even find yourself in the impossible position of having to choose between your wife and your mother which may mean cutting off contact with the other, ending that relationship. Change the dynamics before it spirals even further. " +"I'm planning to have baby, so I have to quit smoking - but it's hard. Sometimes it's not a physical need, it's mental. + +I cannot help myself from thinking about smoking. What can I do to get rid of this addiction?"," Hi. Good for you in planning ahead to do what's healthiest for your baby (and yourself). That's a great first step! It's also good that you are able to identify that it's not always a physical need that's driving the addiction. For the next steps, I would suggest trying to figure out when the psychological cravings for a cigarette occur. The psychological (or mental) cravings are usually based out of habit, such as having a cigarette after a meal. And if you're consciously trying to quit, you'll find the craving starts with simply thinking about having a cigarette, then usually moves on to thinking about how good it made you feel, etc., etc. Well, if I'm on a diet and I continue to let myself think about the ice cream sitting in the freezer, eventually I'll give in and eat it. You're going to have thoughts about smoking a cigarette. That's normal and, for the most part, out of your control. But you choose whether or not to CONTINUE thinking and dwelling about it after that initial thought. That's what you would have to work on changing. When you have that initial thought, acknowledge it ("Ok, I kind of want a cigarette now."), but then change the thoughts that typically follow. Distract yourself, think about something else, do something else, whatever it takes to get your mind off of that cigarette. I've suggested to clients before that they should plan these scenarios out ahead of time so they already know what they're going to do when the time comes. Write down when you usually have the craving for a cigarette and then write down new thoughts or things to do to get your mind off of it. Eventually, it will become easier and easier to brush off that initial thought until you no longer have it. Best of luck, and you have a really great motivator to quit - your baby! " +"I have secrets in my mind, and I don't know what to do with them. I don't want to tell my wife and mom because I don't want to hurt them. But I'm not sure how long that I can keep the secret to myself. + +What should I do? It's becoming annoying and making me anxious. Help me out"," It sounds like keeping the secrets has become a problem for you now. There are several things to consider before you make a decision. - You mentioned that you don't want your wife and mom to know because you don't want to hurt them – why would it hurt them?  - Is it necessary for them to know this information? - What are the consequences of either telling them the truth or not telling them? (for you and for your wife and mom). - Once you have considered these, think of what you would tell your friend if they were in your exact situation? - Also, if your wife or mom were in your situation right now, what do you think they would do themselves? - If your wife and mom were in this situation, how would you feel? Would you want to know the secrets? - How has keeping these secrets affected your own mental and physical health? Once you have looked at the problem from all angles, you will be able to better make a decision on whether it is right to tell them or not. " +I am extremely possessive in my relationships and this is hurting my friendships. How can I fix my underlying issues?," Hi there. It's great you are able to realize there are other issues going on with someone who feels possessive. At the root of it is fear. Fear of losing someone, fear of being alone, fear of not being good enough. All those fears can lead to low self-esteem and feeling like you have to control other people so you don't lose them. The thing is, controlling other people only pushes them away. Vicious circle, right?  What I would suggest is some cognitive therapy to change those underlying ways of thinking. You can start with this assignment. Write down all the things you think about yourself, positive and not-so-positive. Then rewrite those not-so-positive things so they are positive. For example, thinking something like, "I'm too pushy", can be rewritten as, "I'm assertive and I go after what I want." It can be hard to do since we tend to get "stuck" in our negative ways of thinking about ourselves. If you have someone you trust, you can ask for their help as well since most likely they see you differently than you see yourself. Finding a good cognitive therapist can help you further, but if that's not an option for you right now, there are lots of self-help books and websites that are out there. You've already taken the first step, so keep moving forward. " +I had a head injury a few years ago and my mind races all the time. I have trouble sleeping and have a lot of anxiety. Every medicine I have been on my body rejects; I get sick to my stomach and get blisters in my mouth. How can I calm my self down? I'm a wreck.," You didn't say what or how many medications you've tried. Certain anxiety medications can make you feel nauseous, but I haven't heard of any that cause mouth blisters, so there may be some other underlying medical issue there. I would definitely talk to your primary care physician and whoever has prescribed the medication as well as a neurologist if you've suffered a severe head injury. There are so many medications available for anxiety or insomnia or even depression that there may be others with lesser side effects. But beyond that, have you tried any other treatments such as deep breathing or meditation? Meditation can be very effective, but it takes practice and you don't have to sit cross-legged for hours chanting "Ohm" to meditate. It's about focusing on your breath, rather than all the thoughts that are racing through your head. And when they do take your mind off your breath, simply refocus (and refocus and refocus). Like I said, it takes practice, so don't give up. You can find many sites offering different ways to meditate, so look around and see what works best for you. Like medication, you just have to find the one that works best and that might take some experimentation. I hope this helps and best of luck to you. " +"I want a secure relationship with someone that wants to be with me and who will actually put effort into it. +I seem to gravitate toward unavailable men and those that want intimacy and no relationship. I let men dictate and control me because they accuse me of being controlling. I let men emotionally abuse me and I am at their beck and call. +I am not comfortable being alone or doing anything by myself. I feel I need the security of someone being around just to survive. I know what I'm doing wrong and I do it anyway just hoping things will change. How do I stop this behavior and thought process?"," It is a good thing that you have recognized that you have been in some unhealthy relationships and that you are wanting to break this pattern. You seem to have some good insight into the situation. The type of behavior that you are describing is usually rooted in childhood issues with insecure attachment bonds with your caregivers, childhood trauma and/or abuse or neglect, or dysfunctional family issues that did not allow you to develop healthy boundaries for yourself or a sense of self. This is something that is going to take some time to work through in therapy. I recommend a book titled “Boundaries: Where you end and I begin” by Anne Katherine. Another book that might be helpful is “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie.  In the meantime, until you can work through your personal issues, absolutely do not enter into another relationship. Take however long you need to and work on becoming a whole, happy, emotionally healthy person on your own. Needing another person to define you is problematic. That's too much to expect from any individual. For a relationship to be healthy and happy, both people in the relationship first need to be a whole person on their own. That means having a clear sense of self, knowing who you are and what you want, knowing how to set healthy boundaries, and knowing how to meet your own needs. It is unreasonable to expect your partner to meet all of your needs all of the time. There will be times that they won't be able to meet your needs. You have to know how to meet those yourself.  When you are working on becoming the best you that you can be, eventually the right person will come into your life. Then you can CHOOSE to be with someone because you want them in your life instead of feeling like you NEED them to complete you. " +I easily recognize this but have no control over it and need suggestions for managing my anger.," I suggest that you work on emotional awareness.  Emotional awareness basically means knowing what you are feeling and why. Emotional awareness also means that you can identify the link between the way you are feeling and your actions. In other words knowing that your feelings dictate what you do. Often feelings of hurt or insecurity can come out as anger if we cannot properly identify and express the feelings. Being emotionally aware also means that you are able to express your feelings to others. Being unable to do so leads to feelings of frustration and being misunderstood. Many people for many different reasons are not in touch with their emotions. For example, men traditionally have been brought up taught to not express sadness or weakness. Therefore, many men learned to turn feelings of sadness, insecurities, or fears into anger and express these feelings as anger. Being taught not to feel a certain emotion does not make that emotion disappear. Instead it makes us learn how to express it in other, incorrect, ways. If a man never learns to say “I am sad” or “that really hurt my feelings” and instead lashes out in anger, then the response they get from those around them will be to the anger and not a response to the underlying true feeling, which will leave the man feeling alone and misunderstood. You can control yourself and not explode. Walk away, remove yourself from the situation, do whatever you have to do to not lash out. Instead of reacting the way you normally would, go somewhere by yourself and think about what just happened and try to understand why such a “simple” thing upset you. What is the real feeling driving these outbursts? Maybe you can begin to recognize an underlying pattern.  It might help to keep an anger journal. Write down everything that gets you upset. That might help you see a pattern and pinpoint what may be setting you off. Talking with a therapist about this would be beneficial in helping pinpoint the underlying cause of the outbursts you are experience.  " +"It takes me a long time to fall asleep; I'd estimate about two hours. I often have nightmares, starting with being eaten by a monster, and I often wake up frightened and unable to breathe. + +I believe I started losing sleep after breaking up with a girlfriend of 8 years. Also, my father's business went bankrupt and my mother has a chronic condition. I was under a lot of stress, and life lost meaning. + +After improving my life and developing a habit of running and exercise to release stress, my symptoms improved. However in the past couple months, I started losing sleep again and having nightmares without warning. How can I solve this issue?"," First of all, exercise is always beneficial for your physical and emotional health. That's great that you have added this in your routine. Have you also considered altering your diet? Certain foods are linked with poor sleep. For example, alcohol, caffeine, nicotine and high fat content foods do not bode well with quality sleep, especially right before bed time.  On the other hand, warm milk and foods high in carbohydrates have actually shown to positively impact sleep. Additionally, at bed time it's important to keep your room dim, cool and without distractions (i.e. TV, IPad, Phone). Stick to a sleep routine and avoid any activities close to bed time that demand a lot of attention and energy. As far as your nightmares, there could be many causes contributing to them. Certain foods (many of the ones mentioned) or medications could be the culprit. Doing a bit of research into the ones you are consuming may help you eliminate the offender.  You may also benefit from talk therapy with a qualified therapist to discuss any underlying issues you are experiencing. Oftentimes, depression and anxiety can manifest themselves during sleep, causing nightmares.  Finally, Yoga has shown to be very beneficial for quality sleep. There are many instructional videos available that can introduce you to the practice if you'd rather not join a class right away.  Best of luck to you and I sincerely hope you are able to catch up on some well deserved Z's! " +What do you do when a therapist and a parent drugs a child and makes up lies in order to stop the other parent's custody visitation?," I will admit I am confused about this question. Are you the other parent in question or a concerned coworker of this therapist?  Therapists do not prescribe or have access to medication. Most therapists won't even get involved in a custody battle. They know there is a good chance of their records ending up in court and that they themselves will have to testify in court. Of course, therapists are human and can make mistakes, but I find it highly unlikely that a therapist would knowingly and willingly do something like this that is such a major ethical violation. Not only are they losing their license to practice by doing this, they are going to face criminal charges and jail time. If their clinical judgment is that the other parent is a danger to the child, they don't have to resort to illegal means to try to prove this.  If you have concrete proof that this has happened then there is a process in which you can file a report against the therapist with their licensure board. Every therapist is licensed in their state. There are different types of licensures so you would need to know this therapist's licensure. Most accusations from the other parent are expected in a custody situation because people do tend to get quite ugly. Don't accuse the therapist or the parent of anything just to try to make yourself look better and them look bad. Have evidence of wrongdoing before accusing them of this. If this has really happened then of course it needs to be reported, but don't try to ruin someone's career unless you are sure this occurred. " +They're calling me names like hypocrite and a baby even when they act in the same manner as I do. I'm tired of being called names. What should I do?," It sounds like your confused as to why your friends would be calling you a hypocrite when they act in the same manner, correct? Communication is key to any relationship. I would recommend speaking with your friends face-to-face to address why they feel your behavior is concerning.  In-person contact is the best method of sorting out differences considering texts, emails or any written response can be misconstrued. Be upfront with them and let them know that being accused of hypocrisy is hurtful and you feel it is unfounded. If after speaking with them you feel that they have valid reasons for the way they are feeling, maybe you can consider modifying your behavior accordingly. Especially if this friendship is valuable to you. However, make sure they are aware that there is a respectful way to address these issues and name calling is not one of them.  On the other hand, if you feel that their reasons are indeed unfounded, it may be best to distance yourself from the relationship. Not all friendships are healthy ones. And it is important that you surround yourself with people who are an asset to your self esteem as opposed to those that hinder it. I hope you are able to get this matter sorted. Best of luck! " +"Cheating is something unacceptable for me but because we have two daughters I decided not to break up the family. +However, now I am struggling to forget and forgive what happened. I feel like I cannot trust him. Without trust, I cannot stay in this relationship. On the other hand, I do not want my children to get hurt. I'm not sure how to move forward?"," First of all, my heart goes out to you. Infidelity is an extremely challenging obstacle to overcome. There are some things that you should consider. First of all, did he seem truly remorseful? If you felt in his heart that he was truly sorry for what he had done, it will give you a piece of mind that it was a  mistake.  Secondly, was he forthcoming with this information? How about with answering your questions after the truth was uncovered? If you found that he was still lying or not forthcoming, the sting is even more painful. He should be able to answer any question you have honestly and without hesitation. Thirdly, has he shown a positive difference after this experience? At this time, he should still be proving his faithfulness to the marriage, you and the children. Keep in mind that experiencing infidelity is a form of grief. It is not a quick process that can easily be overcome. What you are experiencing is 100% normal.  My best suggestion would be to see a marriage therapist. Find out what drove your husband to cheat in the first place and decide if this aspect in his life has been resolved. I know its important for you to keep your family together but children can sense anger and frustration, this is not a healthy environment either. If you decide that you can no longer remain in the relationship, a therapist will also be able to help you cope with the separation along with addressing your children's needs. Please know that you are not alone and that unfortunately, many relationships have endured this very thing. It may also be helpful to reach out to people who have experienced similar obstacles. The web is a great resource to find groups whether online or in person to use as a support or sounding board. Best of luck to you and your family! " +"I have a lot of issues going on right now. First of all, I have a lot of trouble sleeping at times, while other nights I sleep too much and still feel quite tired. I'm also noticing increased irritability and experiencing anxiety attacks that last for hours. Is there something wrong with me and if so what should I do?"," It sounds as if you may be experiencing a bout of anxiety and/or depression. Sleeping difficulties, irritability and anxiety attacks all are correlated with these mood disorders. And it's actually quite common for someone to deal encounter this during their lifetime.  Also, keep in mind that just because you are experiencing this now does not mean that you will be dealing with it the rest of your life. Many times, it can be a single episode and if treatment is received, you can help prevent any recurrent episodes. However, you may want to first talk with your primary physician to rule out any medical issues that could be causing these problems. There may be a reason for the sudden onset of these symptoms that can be addressed quickly.  On the other hand, if it is determined that you are experiencing anxiety and/or depression without a medical reason, there are two methods that are very helpful in your treatment: #1 Talk therapy with a certified therapist He/She will be able to address the concerns you're experiencing and discovering if there is an underlying issue that may be causing it. #2 Medication There are many medications that can assist you with the feelings that you are experiencing. Your doctor will be able to help you find the right one that works for you. If one doesn't work, keep trying. There are many different options to address your specific needs. Also, a combination of these two options is extremely beneficial! Thank you for your question. I sincerely hope that you feel better soon! " +"I have no intercourse drive due to medical issues. I've shut down completely and closed everyone out. I've even told my husband that I wanted a divorce since that's what I thought he wanted to hear. However, it devastated me when I learned he's seeing someone else. +I've since told him that I wanted to work things out but he's not sure I actually mean it. He thinks the only reason I want him back is because I'm jealous. How do I show him I'm serious?"," I'm sorry to hear about your current situation. My heart goes out to you during this time. First of all, it is of vital importance that you discuss your symptoms with your doctor. Regardless of whether you are able to mend your relationship with your husband, you need to address the physical issues you are experiencing. More than likely he/she will be able to help you relieve some of these symptoms. Secondly, you must be upfront and honest with your husband. Intimacy is a large part of a relationship and it is unfair to your husband that you did not disclose how you were feeling. I think he would appreciate knowing that it was your medical problems causing the lack of intercourseual desire as opposed to the reason being him. If you explain to him that you are addressing your intercourseual issues with your doctor in order to enhance your relationship, he may be more willing to see that you are serious in wanting to mend the relationship.  The conversation will be hard to explain to your doctor and your husband since it is of such a personal nature but it will be extremely beneficial. And please note that the reason for the feelings you were experiencing (or lack thereof), was not your fault. Best of luck to you and your husband! " +"I have a lot of issues going on right now. First of all, I have a lot of trouble sleeping at times, while other nights I sleep too much and still feel quite tired. I'm also noticing increased irritability and experiencing anxiety attacks that last for hours. Is there something wrong with me and if so what should I do?"," Hi there. I have to commend you on reaching out to get some answers on why you are feeling the way that you are feeling. A lot of people secretly go about their lives every day feeling this way because they are too afraid of what the answer might be. First off, what stressors do you have in your life right now? Financial, relationship and unemployment are all common stressors for people. They can often make it difficult for us to sleep at night due to the constant racing thoughts and wonders of how you will deal with it all.  Secondly, do you have a history of depression or does depression run in your family? Some of the symptoms listed here in this question (i.e. trouble sleeping, constant fatigue, too much sleep, anger & anxiety) are all common symptoms of depression. Often times, these symptoms can be overlooked and mistaken for "just being tired."  Furthermore, it's important to ask yourself, if you are feeling worthless, problems with concentration and recurrent thoughts of death. If you are having these symptoms, please seek help IMMEDIATELY.  Lastly, considering your stated symptoms I would recommend reaching out to your Doctor for further consult. It's always better to be safe and the earlier you catch the symptoms the faster you will get to feeling better! do Some helpful tips for the your Doctor would be to monitor your sleep habits (i.e. how much or little are you sleeping), make a list of your triggers for your anger outbursts as well as your triggers for your anxiety attacks.  I hope this was helpful and the best of luck to you. " +"The last of my emotions belong to my pets. Today my dad said he might get rid of them tomorrow. If that does happen I might dig hole in the ground with a paper that says ""here lays my emotions. R.I.P."" I practically have no emotions left and I came to the realization about this not being normal by comparing my reaction to certain situations to my family's. What's wrong with me?"," It sounds to me like you have had a lot going on and now you are afraid you are going to lose the last things you care about, your pets. I do not know what all is going on in your family, and I cannot answer for your dad's actions or his reasoning behind this. I would recommend that you focus on developing healthy coping skills. We cannot change what others do but we can change how what they do affects us. If you have all of your emotions and all of yourself tied up into one thing (like your pets) then when that thing is taken away it causes a lot of emotional distress. It is really good to have a wide variety of interests such as friends, hobbies, games, etc. Develop other things that you care about and are passionate about. Another reason for developing healthy coping skills to deal with whatever might be going on in your life is if you don't have healthy ones, you may develop some very unhealthy ones. You have to cope somehow, right? Developing unhealthy ways of coping with life is only going to make life more difficult for you. I don't know if this is what it is like for you at your house, but there are two kinds of household environments that can cause dysfunction in children. One is when you grow up in a very rigid stern household where all decisions are made for you and you feel like you have no control over anything. The other is a household where things were chaotic and you never knew what was going to happen next and had no stability. People need to have some stability in their lives and need to feel in control over some things in order to feel safe. Both of these environments can lead you to develop some unhealthy ways of coping with life. Please talk to a trusted adult about your feelings before it gets any worse. " +"Me and my girlfriend just broke up. She said she loves me but is not in love anymore. This came out of nowhere. We seemed so happy together. +It all started when she went to Missouri to visit her family. The first week she was there she was fine then once she went to this one sister's house everything changed. That's when she told me she loved me but was not in love with me anymore. I thought maybe it was just because she missed her family and she just wanted to be home because she told me that she could not leave them again. +Then she told me to come to her in Missouri. So that's what I did. I quit my job I dropped everything, said goodbye to my family in Florida and drove 15 straight hours to be with her. +Once I got there everything was fine again.  She apologized for everything and said she didn't mean any of it then we were good for about a week. Then she went back to saying she didn't love me anymore and had no feelings for me. +The only thing that really gets me and makes me not want to accept this is that now she is pregnant. This wasn't an accident. We were trying to get pregnant, so all this is hard to accept. I love her so much. I have never been bad to her. I've treated her the best I can. I wanted her to be my wife. I was going to propose to her when she got back. Now I'm losing my family and my mind. I don't know what to do."," I am sorry to hear of these troubles. I see a few issues here. I wonder why you were both trying to get pregnant when the relationship seemed troubled? Some people think that they can fix a broken relationship by getting pregnant, and all this does is bring up more problems. You say you never treated her badly, and I believe you. People in a relationship can still be unhappy even when there is no abuse or mistreatment going on. In fact, giving too much of yourself to the relationship and not having a “self” outside of this relationship can be unhealthy. It takes two whole, healthy, happy people who are that way when they are single to come together to make a whole, healthy, happy couple in a relationship. Expecting your partner to meet all your needs or to provide your happiness is not going to work. There are two books that I recommend you buy and read. One is Codependent No More. The other is Can My Relationship Be Saved? Sometimes when you cling and try even harder to hold onto someone, it makes you both miserable. You cannot change her and cannot change her mind. Sometimes the best thing is to let go. If it is meant to be, you will end up back together again. It seems like this is something that she needs to decide since she is the one that keeps doing the leaving. I suggest backing off and letting her go. Maybe she needs time to clear her head and make up her mind. If it is meant to be, she will come back. If not, use this time to work on being a healthy happy you on your own. " +Now I have anger and trust issues. How can I treat this and fix myself?," I will assume that for whatever reason, you either do not want to or are not able to seek counseling for this. However, I highly urge you to do so because long-term childhood abuse does have negative consequences for your life as an adult, as it seems you are already aware.  There are confidential and free crisis hotlines that you can call that deal with intercourseual abuse. Some/most also offer free counseling services in local areas. That would be a good place to start looking, especially if cost of counseling is an issue. The important thing to know is that what happened was not your fault and that you deserve to live a happy life free of the past. Having anger and trust issues after something like this is a perfectly normal reaction to what happened to you. Angry? Yes! At your brother for what he did, at your parents for not protecting you. Having trouble trusting? Of course! The very people who were supposed to love and protect you hurt you instead. Two books that might help you are Codependent No More and Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin. " +"I've never been able to talk with my parents. My parents are in their sixties while I am a teenager. I love both of them but not their personalities. I feel that they do not take me seriously whenever I talk about a serious event in my life. If my dad doesn't believe me, then my mom goes along with my dad and acts like she doesn't believe me either. I'm a panintercourseual, but I can't trust my own parents. +I've fought depression and won; however, stress and anxiety are killing me. I feel that my friends don't listen to me. I know they have their own problems, which I do my best to help with. But they don't always try to help me with mine, when I really need them. I feel as if my childhood has been taken from me. I feel as if I have no one whom I can trust."," Hi there. Being 15 years old can be a very difficult time in your teenage life. I remember when I was 15 and how I often felt my parents weren't listening to me. It's even more difficult when you feel that you do not have a friend that you can confide in.  Having depression in the past and being able to get through it shows me that you can get through anything! Depression alone is a very difficult problem to work through. In addition to the communication problem with your parents, it appears that you are also struggling with stress and anxiety. We all have stress and anxiety in our lives. If we didn't, none of us would be living. Anxiety & stress keep us on our toes! Often, I have to remind myself of this as well. However, it is how we manage stress and anxiety, so it will not overcome our lives.  Are you familiar with relaxation techniques, such as: deep breathing exercises, meditation or yoga? Relaxation Techniques can help you tremendously in reducing your stress and anxiety.  Deep breathing exercises are helpful when you are on the go, such as school, shopping, out with friends or whatever extracurricular activities you engage in. Most people do not take full advantage of their lung capacity. I know, that sounds silly. But, it's true. You would be surprised how much air you lungs can hold. Imagine being in the Doctor's office and taking deep breaths. This is what you want to do when you are feeling overwhelmed and/or stressed. Take a moment to take in at least 10 deep breaths and let them out slowly. You will be surprised how well you feel afterwards.  Meditation and Yoga are also healthy forms to working through stress and anxiety. You will need a quiet place for your meditation. You want to be “in the moment” and take in the peace and serenity. All it takes is a quiet place, closing your eyes and thinking of your “happy place.” Some people use meditation music as well. If you have access to this type of music and or the internet for more ways to practice meditation, please go for it!  Yoga on the other hand will take a little more work and practice. I would not suggest you learning this on your own, if you have never attempted yoga before. Find an experienced Yoga instructor to teach you the ropes and/or ask your school counselor about the possibility of getting someone to come to the school to teach the students.  Lastly, in regards to your parents it is very important to be able to have a relationship where you feel comfortable communicating. I would recommend writing a letter to them, if you are unable to express how you feel in person. A letter is more intimate and requires a little more effort on their end. If they are open on working on this relationship, maybe suggest family counseling to fully work on this issue.  I hope this was helpful for you and I wish you the best!  " +"I have been with this guy on and off for 8 years. At first, we used to do things together and our intercourse life was ok. Then things started to change, we'd break up and reconnect, and he cheated on me numerous times. We've also had two beautiful baby girls during this time. Now we argue and he says I am not affectionate at all or I don't know how to please a man, when I work part-time, take care of a 2 year old and a 5 month old and cook. Sometimes he cooks, but he also spends a lot of time on the internet. In addition, I have 2 boys and he has 1 son. I feel somewhere I have lost something. It's not that I don't care, I truly love this guy, but I'm just tired of being the one who is always being judged. Please, I am in need of a Christian counselor to help us because I really need to speak to someone."," I don't think you've lost something, I think you've found something - your breaking point, and it's about time. Your boyfriend seems to be a very selfish and immature man who reconnects with you when it's convenient for him. Obviously, he has his own issues, but I want to address yours. I agree you need to talk to someone. The fact that you've put up with his repeated cheating and then letting him blame you for it (by saying you're not affectionate enough, etc.), tells me you probably have low self-esteem and have likely told yourself over the years that you don't deserve any better. You do! You may truly love this guy, but based on his behaviors, he does not love you, not in the way you deserve.  And although you may want to believe he can change, he has proved over and over again that he's not willing to, so you need to do what is best for you and your children. What would you tell your daughters if someone was treating them this way? Would you want your sons to treat women this way? That's what you're teaching your children when they see this. Like I said, I agree that you should talk to someone. You can ask your boyfriend to go too, but my guess is he won't. Even if he does, you should still see someone individually to work on YOU. I understand it's not easy to just kick him out, especially since you have children together, but a counselor can help you talk through all the details while helping you raise your self-esteem and self-worth. " +"My son claims that hes been having extremely violent thoughts and dreams. Not violent like he's hurting someone, but violent thoughts like horrible things happening to his loved ones. He explained one of his dreams the other day and it was so violent it was sickening. It was far beyond anything in a horror movie, he says he can't help these thoughts they just pop up. Please help!"," Let me start my stating this is important to take seriously - taking to his PCP, getting a referral to a pediatric specialist, and getting him to a relational psychotherapist would be my first tasks.  I wont label this occurrences as "normal" yet it is important to note these things do occur. My first observation is to say that it is a tremendous advantage that your son is communicating what he is experiencing. I'd encourage him to continue to do so, no matter the extent of his thoughts - his trust of you being able the handle his experience is of utmost importance. His containment and sense of security is also dependent on your reaction to what he shares. Seek professional help, communicating your support, including a plan of action, and reassuring him you will figure this out together will help you as you begin.  " +I need to get on base to see my doctor. My ID card was in my wallet which was stolen. I'm unable to reach my husband at this time. He is only one who can take me on base in order to get a new ID so I can continue to see doctor. Is there anything I can do?," Do you have any other form of identification? The first place to stop would be the Visitor's Center or whichever department issues passes. They are located outside of the gate so you do not need a military ID to enter. If you have another form of identification it's possible that they can give you a pass in order to go and obtain a new military ID.  If you do not, you could always ask someone else to sponsor you on (a friend, coworker, etc.) that have military access. Depending on the threat level, they may not need your ID as long as you are with someone that has access. Keep in mind that currently (6/11/15) all military bases are on Bravo which unfortunately means you will need your own ID. Finally, if all else fails, call your doctor and explain your situation. I'm sure they would be more than willing to discuss your options. Also, it's important to make sure that you report your wallet being stolen if you haven't already. Security Forces on base can help you with this and to ensure your ID doesn't get into the wrong hands.  Good luck! " +"I am going through a divorce from a narcissistic sociopath who left me for another woman after mentally and emotionally abusing me for 11 years. I have moved to a different state and after giving up my successful business am working as a server at a restaurant. I'm coping as best as I can. Is it normal and healthy to not adapt as quickly and be as strong as I think I should be? I am astounded at his cruelty and how much he doesn't care, as well as most other people in my life. I feel like I don't exist to anyone anymore as there is no contact from anyone who I thought cared about me. My brother just said no to lending me a few hundred dollars for me to live on. I am losing faith in humanity itself."," I am very sorry to hear of your struggles. I think that it is normal to struggle to get your feet under you again after a divorce, especially after leaving a relationship that lasted 11 years, so try not to be too hard on yourself. Take it one day at a time and do the best you can. I notice that you said he left you. This tells me that you didn't have the strength to leave him on your own despite the fact that you say he was emotionally and mentally abusive and also cheating on you. Low self-esteem can keep someone in a bad relationship because they think they can't do any better. Also, abusers will make you think that they are the best thing you can get. The way I see it, he did you a favor. You are now free to make your own life whatever you want it to be.  Take this time alone to work on you. As hurtful as it may be that other people don't want to help you, this is something that you need to do for yourself without feeling like you need someone in your life to take care of you. Your statement “I don't feel like I exist anymore” tells me that in addition to low self-esteem, you also don't have a clear sense of identify and rely on the people in your life to help define who you are. People can and will let you down. It is important for you to learn to handle disappointment, learn to take care of your own needs, and to gain a stronger sense of self.  Do nice things for yourself every day because you deserve it. Even if it is just to soak a little longer in a hot bubble bath, do something that makes you feel good. Find a hobby that you enjoy. Look in the mirror and tell yourself some positive affirmations daily. Google “positive affirmations” to find some that resonate with you. Such statements might be “I am a good person who deserves to be happy” or “I can do this.” Some relaxation and meditation exercises may help you as well. There are some free meditation exercises that you can find online by doing a simple Google search. Take this time to focus on you and try not to worry about what everyone else in your life is doing. When you are a happier, more stable person, the right people will come into your life without you even looking for them. Good luck with rebuilding your life. I know it is hard! Remember to take it one day at a time. " +"I've been married for 3 years and I have two kids. During my 3-years married, my husband cheated on me twice. The second time really got to me and at my lowest I hurt him back. We aren't communicating as well as I would like. What do I do?"," Hi there. Thank you reaching out for help. It takes a lot of courage for someone that is being abused to reach out for help. I want you to know that I am here to help you in any way that I can.  First and foremost, you did not mention whether or not you had children yourself by this man. I'm going to assume there are. So, the most important thing right at this moment is asking yourself, if you and your children are safe? Is the boyfriend currently living in the home or is he coming and going? If he is coming and going or currently living in the home, my suggestion for you to is to pack a bag for you and your children and go somewhere safe (i.e. family members home, friend or a shelter temporarily). I cannot stress this enough. Although, some people tend to minimize their abusers behavior (i.e. they only do it when they are drinking, they only do it when they are mad), it's those individuals that find themselves or their children in a serious situation. So, you can never take abuse (physical or mental) lightly because you never know what is going through that persons mind at that particular time. It's always better to be safe than sorry.  Secondly, it will not be safe, helpful or productive to attempt to talk to the abuser about your relationship. Abusers often times try and manipulate you into staying by apologizing or attempting to justify their behaviors. This is the time you would want to go see a magistrate in order to get a protective order for you and your children. It's unfortunate that your significant other was involved with another women causing pregnancy; however, that is no longer your concern. Your concern at this point is keeping yourself and your children safe. I would also suggest counseling for you and your children in order to work through these issues. I hope this was helpful and please stay safe and take care of yourself.  " +"I have been with my husband for almost 7 years. We got engaged a little after 5 years of being together. I had always been clear that I wanted to get married and I sadly would drop hints about how i wanted him to propose. +When he did propose it was during a random vacation that I had planned. I was happy but I couldn't help feeling disappointed too. +I had told him numerous times before that I wanted him to do it in front of my friends and family. I know it sounds dumb to be upset but I couldn't help how I was feeling. +We are now married but the wedding and ring were also far from what I wanted and it wasn't due to lack of funds. I know this is all material and the marriage is the most important thing but I cant help but get jealous and envious every time I see someone get a proposal or wedding that I had wanted. +I cant help my anger because I know we only get one proposal and one wedding. What I wanted will never happen. +I have been working on my feelings for the past year and half to get over it. I try to focus on our marriage but every time I see someone have the best proposals and weddings I get upset. +I know it is selfish and I know its petty but I just can't control it. It's ruining our relationship because I constantly think about it. Plus, I get mad at him for small things because I am trying to hide the fact that I am so disappointed. +Why can't I move on?"," It's hard to let go of the dreams you had regarding your wedding and engagement. This was something that you and most women think about for years, so it's understandable to be disappointed. But please be aware that it is rare that any wedding is perfect. You may envy your friends' weddings but more than likely they had a few mishaps of their own and/or it wasn't as perfect as they had planned it either.  However, like you know, the marriage is the most important thing. How many women are envious that you are in a happy, stable relationship? I assure you that there are plenty.  Try to live in the present considering that dwelling on the past can still not change how you were proposed to or how your wedding day transpired. Focus on what you can control NOW. Perhaps, you can plan an extravagant renewal of your vows or change the look of your ring? I would also be upfront with your husband and explain why you've been short lately. But after that, close that chapter and move on. It sounds like you have a wonderful companion and you certainly don't want to lose this due to a situation that is impossible to change. " +What can I do to stop grieving my mother's death? When I am awake I just cry every day. I don't have anyone to talk to. I need help; I am still cry over her. Will I ever stop crying? It's been 3 years.," I am sorry that you lost your mother. That is a really hard thing for someone to go through. There is really no set time for grief to be over, but I agree that if it has been three years and you are still crying every day then this is past the time for normal grief. I do not know how old you are and if you are in school or have a job, but I would imagine that if by now you literally were doing nothing but crying every day all day, someone would have noticed and would have gotten you some help. For one thing, bills have to be paid. There are typically five stages of grief and they can come in any order. You can go back to another stage that you previously experienced. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance are the stages.  At first, people are usually in denial over the fact that they lose someone or are losing someone. This may mean that you deny they are ill or deny that they have actually died. Then comes bargaining, in which you may beg God that if you can only have this person back then you will do whatever.  Depression is when the reality has settled in and when we cry and really feel the loss. It sounds like you are stuck in this phase. Finally, acceptance is when we accept that it has happened and we pick up the pieces of our life and move on. When we lose someone we never forget them. We may always have certain days that are tough, such as holidays or any special remembrance of your loved one. But we do get to the place where we accept that death is part of life and that it is inevitable, and that life goes on. A therapist can help you explore the reasons for your extended grief and can help you with coping skills to better deal with it. One suggestion I have is not to try to run from the sad feelings, don't try to not feel them. Embrace the feelings. Let the feelings wash over you and accept them. Trying not to feel something is not going to help. Sadness is a part of life and needs to be felt just like happiness does. Unpleasant feelings are not to be avoided. I am sincerely sorry that you lost your mother and that you have had such a hard time of it for three years now. You deserve to be happy and to live a full life. I am sure your mother would not want you being sad for so long. I wish you all the best as you continue to try to heal from this loss and deal with your grief. " +"I'm having issues with my relative. The police never believe the experiences I have been through because I am only a kid.  + +I've even had trouble trying to reach a therapist because I said I wanted to get an adult to help me. Could you please give me advice?"," I think it would be wise for you to call a hotline especially designed for children. It's called the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline. The number is 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453).  It is completely anonymous and a trained therapist will be able to provide you with guidance, confidentiality, and can also help you make a report of you want. The call is completely free and they are open 24 hours a day / 7 days a week.  I'm glad that you are taking steps to improve your situation. You are a very brave and an intelligent child.  Please remember to call 911 if you are in immediate danger. " +My wife just last week said she wants a divorce and it's all sudden. I understand that marriages have their ups and downs but I don't understand why she can't tell me why she wants a divorce. Should I fight for my family (daughter and wife)?," Chances are, if you really think about it, there were signs that something wasn't quite right in your marriage. You may have passed these things off as being the normal ups and downs of a marriage, but whatever it was (or wasn't), it's obviously bothering your wife. I would say yes, keep trying to fight for your family, at least until you know what the problems are from your wife's perspective and if they're repairable. Ask your wife if she's willing to try to work on the marriage and then see a marriage counselor. Just be sure you're open to hearing what's said and try not to get defensive if she blames you for some things. Even if your wife is adamant about getting a divorce, that doesn't mean you're divorcing your daughter and you should make sure she knows that. Continue to be a part of her life. And although it may be difficult, if a divorce does happen, try to be as amicable as possible with your wife so your daughter isn't further impacted by this new family dynamic. " +I loved him more than anything. He passed away on our anniversary which was also the day I was going to apply for our apartment. I'm not handling it well. I moved to a new town and started a new life but nothing helps.," I am so sorry to hear of your boyfriend's passing. Grief is something that can take a long time to recover from. Have you considered speaking with a grief counselor? Being able to speak with someone that specializes in grief would be very beneficial.  Do not get down on yourself for not recovering quickly. This is one of the hardest aspects to deal with in life but eventually you will be able to move forward.  In the mean time, immerse yourself with positivity (i.e. Good friends, hobbies, exercise) and try to schedule a time with a counselor.  Perhaps there will be a support group you could also join. Oftentimes, it is comforting to meet others who share the same experience as you. Good luck to you. I hope you will find peace and comfort soon. " +I did some horrible intercourseual things as a kid and I regret everything. Can someone help me cope with myself? Can someone help me remember my past?," I'm very sorry to hear this. Hypnosis can be a valuable tool that a trained therapist can use to bring back suppressed memories. However, keep in mind that hypnosis doesn't work for everyone.  I think regardless, speaking with a therapist about your intercourseual issues would be beneficial. It seems like you have experienced some painful experiences in the past and may need help dealing with them in order to move forward.  In addition, if past memories do resurface a trained therapist will be able to help you cope with them as they arise.  I wish you the best of luck and I hope you receive the treatment that you deserve. " +"I have been with a guy for 4 years, he's a great guy and we also have a son together. The problem is that I'm in love with a guy that I've been talking to for about 2 years but I've never met him in person. Honestly I'm bored with the relationship I have with the first guy and he makes want to go after the second guy, I don't know how to tell him that. What should I do?"," Hi there. Wow, this sounds like a sticky situation; however, I'm here to help guide you through this decision.  First and foremost, you must ask yourself, if you ever loved your sons' father or was it a situation to where you two got pregnant and stayed together for the child. It's very common to stay with your partner when a child is involved regardless, if love is involved or not because “it's the right thing to do.” Right? Well, not entirely. Although, staying with your partner because you have a child together may seem right, in fact, it hurts the child in the long run. If you are not love with your partner, you will show distance, unhappiness, sadness, possibility of frequent arguments and cheating. When a child grows up in the home and witnesses these types of emotions & behaviors it is unhealthy as he/she will expect their own relationships to be such. As a responsible adult, you are supposed to be there to shape and model the future for your child. Just remember, what you do, your child will model.  Secondly, do not sell yourself short from love. Everyone deserves to be happy and to have someone to share their love and intimacy with. However, being in love with someone you have never seen before can be very risky. Honestly, that sounds like lust and the longing of love. Humans have needs and when people are unhappy in their current relationship, they often seek out what they need. If you decide to pursue the second relationship, I would suggest setting up an outing with a friend or two in order to get to know this person as there are a lot of scammers these days.  Finally, I am not convinced that this has anything to do with choosing between two guys. This seems as if you are making a decision to end the relationship with your child's father or not. You should ask yourself, if you were in love with your child's father first off. If you were, you would have never sought after love. I hope this was helpful for you and I hope I was able to shed a different light on your situation. Take care of yourself! " +My boyfriend can't get over my promiscuous past. He says he loves me but says the thought of my past is disgusting and a intercourseual distraction. He says he should have had more intercourse with different people. I don't know how to handle this.," I am sorry to hear of your relationship struggles.  One thing I wonder is did you volunteer the information about your past or is this something that he asked about? In the future, it is probably best to leave details out of conversations like this. I think it is common and natural for partners to ask about the intercourseual history. For one thing, it is a good idea to be checked for STD's before entering into a intercourseual relationship with someone, and it is fair to share that information with each other. Partners usually want to know how many you have been with and what kind of intercourseual preferences you have or if there is anything you don't like to do. This gets into a gray area for some people. I don't necessarily want to know how many people my partner has been with and I certainly don't want a whole lot of details. Sometimes that is an image I just don't want in my head about my partner. Vague details are usually enough. However, I understand that your partner has the details and is not happy with your past. This is a reflection on him, not you. This shows insecurities on his part. You cannot control how he will react to information that you provide to him and you cannot control how he feels about the information. The past should remain in the past and not be held against you in the present or future. If he cannot handle your past then it is going to cloud your relationship. You can offer couples counseling to him and see if he will go with you. I have seen relationships recover from some very serious problems such as infidelity. It takes two people who both want it to work to make it work though.  If your boyfriend cannot get over your past, you may have to let him go. Don't keep yourself tied to someone who is not right for you. Constantly holding your past over your head and holding that against you is only going to bring you down and eventually you may start having insecurities or low self-esteem due to this type of treatment. I don't see that you have done anything wrong. If you aren't cheating on him now and you answered his questions about your past honestly, how he handles that information is on him. Ultimately, relationships have a tendency to come and go. Don't fight to hold onto someone who is not right for you. It is okay to be single and enjoy being the best you that you can be. In time, the right person for you will enter your life. " +What do I do if I have been feeling like I could never be with anyone because no one would want me. Or I couldn't have many friends because of who I am. It's strange I want to be loved but I'd hate to be because I always lose.," I'm sorry you are feeling uncared for. I'm sure there are plenty of people that care and love for you that you are not taking into consideration. Sometimes when we get upset we may think irrationally and see the world as all or nothing. However, take a deep breath, relax and start focusing on the positive relationships you have with others, regardless of how small or insignificant they may seem. I think you will quickly realize there are people out there that care a great deal about you. I also think it would help for you to surround yourself among people who you can identify with and share common interests with. Maybe you can attend a religious service, join an interest group (i.e. reading club, sports group, etc.) or start a group of your own. Most importantly, you need to tap into your interests and surround yourself with things that are beneficial for your own mental and physical health. From this, relationships will start to immerse.  You may also like to talk with a therapist regarding your feelings of being unloved. This is an unhealthy way to think of yourself and I think with a little help, you can see that you are more than deserving of a great relationship.  Thanks for reaching out and I wish you the best of luck moving forward.   " +"What makes my step child, an 8 year old boy, choke my daughter, a 6 year old girl? This has been going on for 4 years. The boy tells my daughter not to tell on him. He knows it's wrong; we have did time out, spanking, taking away toys, and sitting on the wall. I am afraid for my daughters safety!"," I can see why you are alarmed. That is a scary situation for a parent. Do you know if the child has been evaluated by a mental health professional? Early treatment is often the key. A professional will be able to help the child learn how to control their anger and mend the troublesome actions into more appropriate responses.  Have you addressed your concerns with the child's other parent? There could be contributing factors in his life that could be causing these issues (exposure to violence, intercourseual/physical abuse, drug use, stressful events in his life, etc.). It is important that these factors are identified so that they can either be eliminated and/or reduced.  I wouldn't hesitate to have him evaluated (if he hasn't been already) and to ensure that he is getting the help that he needs whether it be medication and/or therapy. Until then, I would make sure that he is always supervised under an adult's care. " +I have this weird fetish that I'm afraid to open up about it. What should I do?," This is difficult to answer because you don't tell us what the fetish is.  I do understand that this is something that is bothering you though.  The first thing to ask yourself is if this is something that is illegal or not.  If this is illegal to engage in, then you need to seek counseling help immediately to control the urges. However, if your fetish is not something illegal and you just feel that it is something odd, a therapist could still help you deal with these feelings.  You may find that it is something very common and not something to be ashamed of.  You may find other people have the same interest as you.  Find a therapist that you can trust and tell them.  Don't hold back with your therapist.  Trust me, they have heard and seen it all by now, and they can help you either stop the behavior that is causing you distress, or help you come to terms with accepting the behavior as part of who you are.  There is no need to suffer with this alone.  " +"My coworkers are making false statements about me to the boss, saying I have mood swings. They have no proof to back it up. Can my employer make me see a therapist of their choice?"," I can't give you legal advice, but employers can suggest you see someone if your behavior is affecting your job. I believe most government agencies have an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) where employees can talk to a therapist about any issue, not just work-related, for free (up to a certain amount of sessions). I'm wondering, though, why your coworkers would tell your boss this if it's not true. Is it possible that you're not aware of how your interactions are affecting others? Maybe this “forced counseling” can be an opportunity for some introspection on your part. " +I'm in a state of depression right now. Who can I talk to? I've been sick in a lot of pain and crying. Don't know where to turn.," First of all, if you're sick and in pain, have you seen your doctor? If you have a chronic illness and pain, this can often lead to depression and is very common. You've taken the first step to dealing with it. You can talk to your doctor, even if your depression isn't related to your health. He or she can either look at prescribing you an antidepressant or can refer you to a psychologist or psychiatrist. If that's not really an option for you, there are also helplines (local or national) or support groups where people dealing with similar issues can talk to each other. If you can't find any in your area (newspapers usually publish this information), there are online support groups as well.  " +"My dad refuses to acknowledge my anxieties about going to parties, dinners, etc. Whenever I have an opinion it gets shut down. My mom and everyone else behaves likewise. For my father who heads a company, this is normal. He has to be right all the time. He blatantly refuses to even try to see it from my angle. + +Recently however, it's been getting to the point where I feel pressured and unable to speak my mind. It isn't possible for me to get professional one-on-one help. He tells me to grow a pair and get over it. I recently have been developing more severe body image and self-confidence issues, which I have had all my life. I feel invalidated by my dad. I have been more paranoid lately as well. I can't turn on location services anymore on my phone because of a past incident. He makes me feel guilty about it. I feel rather worthless more often than not, unfortunately. What do I do?", I'm sorry to hear that you are unable to get through to your parents. It sounds like you are experiencing a great deal of anxiety that needs to be addressed by a professional (despite the fact that you are unable to at the moment). I would recommend talking with another adult such as a school counselor that can offer you support in this area. Perhaps they can work with you on your anxiety issues and schedule a meeting with your parents so that he/she may help mediate the conversation with them. If you are unable to reach out to a school counselor maybe you can try a member of the family such as an aunt or an uncle that feels comfortable addressing the issue with your parents. Sometimes it helps hearing it from a third party before the situations is taken seriously enough. Good luck! +I'm a 40 year old male and having erection problems. Still have the desire for a woman. Awfully frustrated. Any suggestions? My Doc doesn't want to discuss it.," Hi there, first off I have to commend you for reaching out. It takes a lot for a man to reach out for help when it comes to erection problems. Believe it or not, this problem is very common for men and women.  There are some things that you can try naturally, before resulting in medication, such as your eating habits and exercise. I would suggest taking a look at what you are consuming throughout the day. Do you consume a healthy diet and do you exercise regularly? How much caffeine and sugar do you intake daily? These are just a few common things to look at. You would be surprised of how much pressure what we consume puts on our bodies. Our bodies are like a car. You have to maintenance it, in order for it to continue to run.  If you would like to get further natural advice and/or suggestions on eating healthy and exercising, I would recommend you see a nutritionist. A nutritionist specializes in maintaining a healthy diet. As far as your Doctor, I would recommend looking into getting another Doctor. I have never heard of a medical professional not wanting to talk about anything. That appears to be a personal issue on their part. I hope I was helpful and I wish you the best of luck! " +My husband cheated on me and it hurt me very bad. It was a time when my health was poor. I'm have a hard time moving on.," How has your husband acted since then? Was he regretful? How did you find out? Did he confess? These are all things that you want to consider. Betrayal is very hard to get over so if it's taking you awhile to get over, know that this is normal. Hopefully you're husband has been very regretful and upfront and honest with you since this happened. It may take awhile to reestablish your trust with him and he should understand this.  It's also very important to discuss WHY he cheated. You want to make sure that the reasoning behind this was not something that could arise again in the future. And if it can, there needs to be an action plan in place (i.e. being honest with how he's feeling) so that you both get a chance to rectify the situation. If the cheating has happened more than once, you may want to reevaluate your reasoning for staying in the marriage. It would be obvious that he did not truly regret what he had done or else he wouldn't repeat the same mistake. However, if it was a single event and he has shown you and continuously shows you that he genuinely loves you and is sorry for his mistake, I would give it a try. People do make mistakes and sometimes it takes an event like this to realize what you have. Know that it takes time and that you have the right to feel what you feel. If the relationship was a good, healthy relationship, it is worth saving. Ease back into it and be upfront with your feelings. In return, your husband should be patient and understanding of this.  Also, marriage counselors are often a good go-to as they have a great deal of experience working with marriages in similar situations.  Best of luck to you! " +"I've been abused emotionally all of my life and for some reason I keep getting with men that I let emotionally abused me. +How can I stop it? I know the mistakes that I've made in my life. I'm having a really hard time getting back on my feet. Can you help me please?"," I want to applaud you for taking this first step towards realizing that this is an issue and wanting to do something about it.  You are already on the road to a happier life with this realization.  A lot of women do not recognize that it may be something about them that continues to attract a man like this and will only blame it on the men for treating them that way.  Until you realize there is a problem you won't start looking for a solution. Don't misunderstand me!  The abuse is not your fault! You are seeing a pattern, though, so this does need to be addressed.  First, go and buy the book “Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin” by Anne Katherine.  Read it.  This book describes many situations that are similar to yours, describes how a person came to be that way, and how to stop it.  You will have to learn to set good boundaries in your life and to maintain them. Be single for a while.  Stay single until you feel like a whole, healthy, happy person on your own.  Often we get in a relationship because of a need.  If you feel like you need a person in your life to make you a whole person then you are in a relationship for the wrong reasons.  The first step is to work on whatever it is in you that makes you feel like you need another person in your life.  Identify those needs and then learn to fulfill them on your own. I was doing a couples therapy session and the husband was being emotionally abusive to the wife.  This was a recurrent theme for her, like you are saying it is for you.  However, she had been doing a lot of work on her own and in private therapy, and this was a new relationship.  Obviously she still had not “gotten it right” because she did once again attract a man with these tendencies.  The difference this time was that she had done a lot of work on herself and had become a stronger person.  When she looked at him in our session and said to him “I don't need you. I want you.  But not if you are going to continue to act like this.  So you leave the house and don't come back until you are ready to make some changes.”  She stuck to that, too.  He didn't leave for two more days because he kept telling her he would do different and begging to be allowed to stay.  She had drawn a boundary and stuck to it, and he left. She was fully prepared to be single again.  They actually did end up working things out in the end. You can't let someone stay and continue to treat you badly.  Sure, a marriage takes work and compromise on both sides.  Couples therapy can help you both learn to communicate in a healthier way with each other and can help you realize what areas in the relationship need work.  You may not realize how some of the things you say to him comes across, and he may not realize how what he says does to you.  A therapist can help you with this so that you both learn how your words can hurt. But you need to know your boundaries and be prepared to stick to them and not compromise your boundaries.  That means following through on the threat to leave when he continues to abuse you.  Someone can't do that if they are too scared to be alone.  If they feel they need the other person in their life.  These patterns are developed in early childhood from what we learn from our parents.  When someone has grown up in a dysfunctional family, it is all they know.  Even when you can say that you realize it is a problem, you still don't know how to stop it because you never learned any other way of interacting with people.  Something that took a lifetime to learn will take time and work to overcome.  Be patient with yourself and find a good therapist.  You can't change your partner.  Work on you, and when you begin to heal and feel healthy, the right people will come into your life and stay.  The more you focus on trying to change the wrong ones to be what you want the more frustrated you will become. " +I feel like I would be more comfortable as a girl even though I still like girls. I think I'm like a girl stuck in a guy body. I imagine myself as a girl too. I think this more because my friends say that if I was a girl I would be a hot looking one. And I don't care about having boobs or anything. I just feel like the way that I do act will make more sense if I was a girl.," I understand that gender and/or intercourseual identity crises can be very difficult to navigate, although in today's time I think we have made a lot of progress and it is becoming easier for individuals to find themselves and also find acceptance from society. I am unsure how old you are. If you are a child or teenager, this is a normal time to have identity questions and to be in a phase where you are trying to figure out who you are and what you want out of life. I hope that you have understanding and supportive friends and family that you can talk to and who will support you in how you feel and what you may decide to do. A lot of people, unfortunately, do not, and if this is the case then it makes it harder for you. Because then you may not feel safe exploring these feelings and decisions. I urge you not to try to make any permanent changes for quite some time. By this I mean a intercourse change. Anything permanent like surgery or hormone replacement to change your actual gender is something that does not need to be done lightly. Please find a therapist that can help you explore your feelings and your identity crisis. Of course there are things that you can do that are not permanent changes. Many people decide to dress like their gender of choice. Maybe experimenting in this way is something that you could do. See if you have a local chapter of PFLAG in your area. PFLAG stands for Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. They are able to help not only with those who identify as lesbian or gay, but also transgendered and aintercourseual.  I wish you all the best in your identity crisis. It would be very easy for you to sink into depression if you do not have good support and understanding from those around you during this time. Find a professional that can help, especially if you experience depression or any thoughts of harming yourself. " +"I've have lived for sometime with depression but things have gotten a lot better, but why is it so hard to get over anxiety and social isolation?"," The best way to handle depression and anxiety is with a combination of appropriate medication given to you by a medical doctor, and therapy to help you understand the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that are causing the depression and anxiety in the first place and then to replace these with more positive thoughts and behaviors. This is not something that anyone should just “white knuckle” and try to get through on their own with no help. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is a technique that has been proven helpful for depression and anxiety. This takes a therapist trained in CBT.  There are some things in life that you cannot change and must learn to accept. A lot of people spend time trying to change things that they have no control over. This may be the behavior of someone else in your life or it could be a situation that you cannot change, such as the recent death of a loved one, a lost relationship, or an accident or illness which has left you handicapped. In cases like this, what can change is your attitude and thoughts about the situation that you now find yourself in. One thing that is inevitable about life is that stuff happens and it is not always pleasant. Some people take these unpleasant occurrences very hard and it throws them into a deep depression. Other people seem to be able to handle life's ups and downs and bounce back. They do this with having positive coping skills in their life. Learning new coping skills is something your therapist can help you with. A lot of people are so focused on trying to change the things in their life that they cannot change and are ignoring the things that they can change. There are things that you can do. Here is a quote for you to consider. “You are getting almost everything that you are getting based on the choices that you have made. You will continue to get the same thing out of life until you make some changes.” Another quote I like is “You will find a way or you will find an excuse.” Don't ever say that you have no choice. Everyone has a choice. You might not particularly like any of the choices that you are facing, but you do have choices. Not happy in a relationship? You can leave it. Hate your job? Get a new one. If it matters to you, you will find a way. Don't sit there complaining about everything but not doing anything different or better. Take care of yourself. Exercise is very important not only for your physical health, but for your mental health as well. Eating right and exercising will help you feel better about yourself. Also, find a meditation that works for you. There are progressive muscle relaxation exercises, visual and mental meditations, and many many more. Start making some positive changes in your life today! You can do it! " +"Hello, I have a cousin in my family who has been making me feel belittled, insecure, and frustrated during her stay here in the city. I know she comes from a place of love, but she has always been short-fused and highly temperamental if something doesn't work out the way she planned it. I have tried my best to coordinate plans with her, but she always ends up frustrated about the lack of communication I seem to have on my part and then makes condescending comments about my character that include: inconsiderate, negative, oblivious, and self consumed. + +I have tried to talk to her openly about this, but it always comes back as an attack on my character and I have never heard these comments from anyone else before. I have been thinking a lot about her comments and whether I truly am an inconsiderate person who is not thoughtful, spatially aware of surroundings/people, or positive, but in the end, I am feeling awfully hurt about how this has affected our relationship. + +What can I do?"," Do you have a close friend or relative who's opinion you trust? Ask them for their honest feedback and if they see you like your cousin does. If they don't see these qualities in you, then it may be your cousin's issue and she's taking it out on you. You can always ask her what would be the best way to communicate plans with her so you know, specifically, what she is expecting. Then if you meet these expectations and she still blames you and comments on how inconsiderate you are, it's her issue and she is not coming from a place of love. Even if you do resemble her comments, the way it sounds like she approaches this problem is not out of love. The fact that you're introspective enough to consider your own behavior suggests the problem is not with you.  " +"I have a child with my baby mother. She works I take care of our young son. She says she is not cheating I have not found anything but she always putting me down, telling me to get out and telling me she doesn't love me, but then the next day after our fight she says she does. I'm having a hard time because before our child she said she was raped by a family member but she never went to the hospital or the cops. Now me and my family don't talk. She's always telling me I'm annoying and just belittles me. Nothing I do is right. + +She says I work you watch the baby. On her days off she never cooks or cleans. I have no friends or family and a couple months ago she was confiding to some guy, but says he's not any thing to her. What do I do? I don't want to leave."," It sounds like you are in a tough situation. You have to ask yourself why you don't want to leave her. Is it because of the child? Or is it because you want the relationship to work? You must consider that being in an abusive relationship is not healthy for you or your child. So if the abuse continues, it would be more beneficial for you and your child to move out. On the other hand, if you are just wanting the relationship to work out despite its current state, you need to evaluate whether the relationship is worth salvaging. It seems as though you are very unhappy and undervalued in this relationship. Although your question revealed just a short bit of information, I didn't read about any positives in the relationship.  Sometimes it's extremely hard to leave a relationship even though you know that the relationship itself is harmful for you. However, with time and focus you can do it. Each day will get a little easier and you have to trust yourself that you are making the right situation for you and your child. However, if you really feel that you want to stay in the relationship, you have to be upfront with her. You need to tell her exactly how you feel and give her specific examples of how she is hurting you. This gives her a chance to render the situation. If after this there is no improvement, I suggest that you start reconsidering your decision to stay. I also think it would be valuable for you to start engaging in things outside of the home that make you happy. Are there any hobbies you enjoy? Are there any groups in the area that you can join such as playgroups that will allow you to engage with other parents? Start looking into these options and finding an avenue for you to do something for your own benefit. It is certainly not healthy for you to isolate yourself from friends and family. You need to have additional support networks besides the one with your girlfriend, especially since this has not been a healthy environment lately. Thank you for reaching out. I wish you the best of luck with your relationship. " +"Or how to send him somewhere that can help him, something like The Baker Act."," More information would be needed for me to accurately answer this question, such as your age, whether you live with your dad or not, and what other family members live in the household.  Something like this, alcoholism, is a whole family disease. In other words, family members often unknowingly contribute to the alcoholism and enable the alcoholic to continue the destructive behavior. First of all, you can't make your dad do anything, and constantly nagging him or begging him to stop is just going to make him defensive and make this worse. Nobody can change another person. What you can do is change how you react to him and the things that you and other family members do for him.  Research codependency. There's a great book called Codependent No More. There are a lot of articles on the internet that you can read. In short, you have to stop enabling him. Like I said, you cannot control him, but you can control yourself. This means do not buy his alcohol. Do not make it easy for him to get. Don't loan him the car keys or pay any household bills for him. Don't call in sick to work for him or make excuses for him in any way. Do not bail him out of jail when he gets arrested. He needs to be responsible for himself. This may mean losing his job or losing his driver's license. This may mean that he loses his family if he doesn't stop.  What you and your family can do is set boundaries about what you will put up with. It is his choice to drink, but it is your choice to put up with the behaviors of his drinking. A lot of people go into rehab because their spouse said if they don't then they are getting a divorce. If you are an adult and you don't live with your dad, then the best thing you can do for him is STOP doing things for him. If you are a child who lives at home with him, then this could be a case for child protective services. In my state this is called DHS. A report is made to this organization for child abuse or neglect. Substance abuse in the home qualifies. Of course, alcohol is legal and when consumed in moderation, there is no problems. The problem will be the result of his alcohol consumption. Does he drive with children in the car while intoxicated? Is he left to care for minors while in an intoxicated state? Are there any domestic violence issues due to his drinking? This could be a reason for the authorities to step in.  You can look for a local meeting for family members of alcoholics. They are similar to the AA meetings that an alcoholic should go to, but are for the family members. They can help you.  " +"In particular during family gatherings (such as funerals), where there are different customs."," I think the best thing you can do is be respectful of each family member's wishes. Although everyone may not agree with one another, the most important thing you can do for each other is to respect their faith and beliefs instead of trying to sway them in a certain direction.  There are many families that are united despite their differences. For example, a mother may be Catholic and the father Jewish. By introducing the children to each faith until they are ready to decide for themselves can be beneficial.  Also, it's not uncommon for views to change as one ages or faces different life experiences. So don't get too discouraged if your child wants to explore different avenues.  Creating a loving and accepting environment is most essential.  " +"I don't know what's wrong with me. At times I can be really happy, excited, I'll talk fast, and I want to do things. But lately I've been staying up way later and sleeping too much. I don't hang out with friends, I don't really have them. I feel nothing, worthless. I want to do nothing, I have no interest in anything. + +All I usually do is stay in my room. I want to be happy, I want to be nice. What's wrong with me?"," I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling as if you're in a slump. First of all, nothing is wrong with you. Many people report similar symptoms. Have you ever talked with a physician regarding your symptoms? Two extreme emotions such as feeling extremely happy and then feeling extremely low for a length of time may indicate a mood disorder. I think it would be best to talk with your doctor or a therapist to help pinpoint the issue causing them. It's possible that it could just be certain stressors in your life that are causing the two extremities but you definitely want to rule out any mental health issues. If it is in fact mental health related there are many medications or therapy choices that can help.  Thanks for reaching out! I hope that you will feel back on track soon! " +I'm worried I should see a therapist due to past events and current mental status. I'm just so unsure of how to ask my doctor about seeing someone.," Thanks for your question. I'm glad you realize that you need extra support and are being proactive. Simply explain to your doctor the feelings you have been experiencing and how you feel that speaking with a mental health therapist would be beneficial. However, keep in mind that you do not have to go into detail about your personal feelings. You can simply state that you are feeling down, overwhelmed, stressed, or whatever it may be.  I'm sure your doctor will be glad to direct you from there.  Best of luck you you! I hope that you will be feeling better soon!  " +I feel like my time is going too fast," Thank you for reaching out! That is a great question! As an American, I can truly say that I spend way too much time on the go! It is a proven fact that Americans live in a fast paced environment compared to Europe! I often ask myself, what if I only had one day left on this Earth? What would I do? Well, that is an easy question. I would spend it with my family! Easier said than done when we are living in a tomorrow kind of World, right? Its hard to focus on the now when we are so consumed in what tomorrow shall bring. Time management is a very important factor when learning to "live life to the fullest"! In fact, this is a required course in undergraduate college now. Everyone manages their time differently and it is up to you to decide how you would like to do this. Personally, for myself I like to keep a calendar with a to-do list. I always place my most important tasks at the top of the list. That way, if I do not get through the list, I am not stressing over the little things. When planning your day, it is important you schedule work, eat and play. A much as it is hard not to work after getting off work, it must be done. There is discipline involved in this process. If you have trouble with this, then maybe seeking out some accountability such as including a coworker to make sure you do not bring work home once your shift is over or your spouse/partner reminding you that this is a time for play and not work. These are just some ideas that I am throwing out there. Again, everyone has their own style on time management. I hope this was helpful for you. Please don't hesitate to reach out for anything further! " +I'm worried I should see a therapist due to past events and current mental status. I'm just so unsure of how to ask my doctor about seeing someone.," Having this kind of conversation with a doctor can feel difficult. But remember, you are the expert on you. Any good medical professional will recognize that. You are absolutely right to think about the importance of being your own health care advocate. Generally, the best approach is simply to be honest. Let your doctor know what you are concerned about and tell your doctor what you think might help. If there is a specific issue that you'd like to address in counseling, let you doctor know about it. And don't hesitate to directly ask for a referral. I know this may all feel a little overwhelming. It might help to bring a family member or significant-other with you to provide support when you talk to your doctor. It's great that you've already taken this first step to reach out. You're on the right track. " +"My last relationships have ended horribly. They just up and abandoned me. One of them I have never gotten closure with over it, leaving me emotionally wrecked. I know something's wrong with me but I don't know how to even start trying to better myself. +I get into these depressed like states whenever anyone I care about is too busy to be with me. I know that I shouldn't act like that because people are genuinely busy, but I feel like they're doing it just because they don't want to be around me."," Frequently when working with clients, I utilize the A-B-C model developed by Albert Ellis, the founder of Rational Emotive Behavior Theory. The theory basically states that you can not control an event but you can control your reaction to the emotions associated with said event. For instance here is an example: If you look at the model, B has a direct effect on C. The thought is if you change your reaction to A, then C will have a better consequence, such as: This is just an example but if you actively work to replace the negative thought patterns that effect your behavior, studies show that your overall outlook and mood will improve. If this model resonates with you, I recommend "Feeling better, getting better, staying better" by Alber Ellis. In addition, looking for support groups in your area are a great source of support when you are feeling abandoned or alone. " +I haven't uttered one word to my boyfriend in days. Now I'm over it and don't know how to approach the situation?," In any relationship, it is important to be able to say "I'm sorry" because it shows vulnerability and openness. I recommend that you sit and have a discussion with him now that you are calm about why you were upset and how you would like to handle such incidents in the future. If you find yourself becoming upset again, I encourage you to take a 20 minute break and then come back to the conversation once you are no longer heated. Studies show that talking or discussing arguments are more effective once you have cooled down and you are more likely to hear/understand what your partner is trying to convey. " +"I've been with my boyfriend over 3 years. He cheated on me and the woman is now pregnant. He is physically and mentally abusive towards me. I have attempted to talk with him in order to resolve our issues; however, he never wants to talk and often blames me for everything. +I'm always there when he needs my help. He tells me although I help him doesn't mean that I am a good person. He always discredits me as a woman and it's hurtful. I spend most day crying and feeling lonely. I am unhappy and unsure of what I need to do."," That sounds like a very hurtful situation. Unfortunately, without a batterers intervention course or a desire to change, the abuse cycle is unlikely to stop. I do not recommend that you try to leave on your own due that being the most dangerous time when in an abusive relationship. As an abuser, his goal is to control you whether it's through mental or verbal means. I recommend that you contact a domestic violence shelter in your area. I have worked closely with Harbor House of Central Florida and know they provide housing, transportation, and any other needed resources to women leaving an abusive relationship. There is help out there and you are not alone. If you need any additional resources in your area, please don't hesitate to contact me.  " +"I started dating a guy I met online. He told me that he registered intercourse offender but he didn't do anything. He took a plea to always register as intercourse offender and he did two years. That was more than two decades ago. Nothing on his record since. +I always believe the past should be left in past. But my roommates, their family and my son are unforgiving. Should I forgive this man that I'm falling in love with or should I dump him? If I stay with him I will never see my family and granddaughter again."," Thank you for your question. Trust is a huge thing in relationships and when that is broken, or perceived as being broken, it takes a long time to repair. From what you shared, it sounds like your boyfriend took steps to correct the situation and has shown to be trustworthy since. Unfortunately, no matter how much we apologize for something we did or for something others perceive we did, there will always be those with hardened hearts and will not forgive. If you feel confident in your relationship, then trust your inner wisdom. We cannot control others but only ourselves. Respect your families wishes to remain in unforgiveness while at the same time, ask them to respect your wish to believe in him and be in this relationship. Good luck to you. " +"About 3 years ago or so I was skinny, but I was still ugly. I really do want to change that but I've tried 3 times. Now can I try but don't stop. At school I get bullied about my weight and my ugliness and I have been bullied my whole life that I believe them. +How can I stop thinking about them and don't let it get in my head? My parents said I don't weight that much but, they do think I am fat but, they tell me I am not. I told my parents that I need to go to a therapist, but they think I am fine and I think they don't want to deal with it."," Hey!  I am so impressed with your efforts to ask questions, to figure out how to change the messages that you hear (and say to yourself), and to get support!  And it sounds like you want to make some changes in your life!  Take a walk over to the counseling office at school, the school nurse or consider reaching out to your Pediatrician's office. You don't have to have your parent's permission to seek support for yourself!  And maybe taking control of your support network will give you the strength to make even bigger decisions about your health!  I am rooting for you!  Be Wise! " +"A few nights ago I talked to this girl I know about my self esteem issues for the first time. We talked for hours and she told me time and again that I was a great guy. She told me I was attractive, and have a great personality, etc. I really started to feel better about myself by the time I woke up the next morning. +Now, though, I can't stop thinking about her, but I leave to go back to college in a few days and I go to school 4 hours away from her. So now I feel constantly depressed because even if I told her how I felt it wouldn't matter. I feel helpless and I don't know what to do."," Hey!  It takes a lot of courage to share your feelings with someone!  And it sounds like you have been lucky to meet someone who makes you feel safe enough to explore some of your more painful feelings.  A big part of the process, however, of strengthening your self-concept is learning how to tell yourself those positive messages that you heard from your friend!  Leaving for college may also be contributing to your feelings of unsteadiness.  Try this - Make a list of all of the positive things that you know are true about yourself.  Ask your friends and family to contribute to the list.  Then carry it with you in your wallet - and when you need a self-esteem boost, take a look at it!  You are in a season of life that presents lots of challenges and opportunities.  Reach out to your long-distance friend when you need support - and take a walk over to the campus counseling center and check out what they might have to offer.  Be Wise! " +"She cried because she lost all trust in me. Now I feel disgusting and like my heart just got stabbed, what do I do?"," Hey! Sounds like the part of you that knows the RIGHT thing to do won here! I am so proud of you for admitting that you lied to your Mom! Sometimes lies come out of our mouths before we can even catch them because we are trying to say what the other person wants to hear. I bet that, as you begin to show her that you are not going to lie any more, she will begin to gain trust in you again! Be open with your feelings with you Mom - she is there to support you, guide you and love you! Give her lots of hugs - and give yourself one too for being so brave! Be Wise! " +"When having intercourse I think of other men and want other men all day long. Been married 3 years, together 14. What do you think?"," Sustaining passion in marriage is tough stuff. It's a relatively modern dilemma you are facing with perhaps unrealistic expectations of what marriage "should" be. It sounds like your definitions of love and intercourseual passion have merged together, that's both common and confusing! Intimacy and intercourseuality within your marriage are bound to ebb and flow. Resparking your passion will involve growing. Using your intercourseual drama and fantasies as windows into discovering your needs (security) and wants (desires). Marriage is a people growing process; you mature into one another and to achieve fulfillment your continued development will be required.  " +We make love once per month. Is it normal?," To begin with, what's normal for one couple isn't going to be normal for the next, every couple has their own normal and that's important to keep in mind. Your intercourseual lives will ebb and flow. What I'd be more curious about is the quality rather than the quantity of the intercourse you are having. I'd also want you both to refocus on building up your little daily moments of connection, I wrote a post about exactly that a while back and you can find it here.  " +"In this argument my friends are all against me so I'm wondering if I'm exaggerating my feelings. I feel like I'm being attacked and that is making me blow things out of proportion and taking the role of the victim, when in reality I'm the one being unreasonable and I am simply annoying my reasonable friends. Or are they really being insensitive and not respecting me in our friendship?"," Conflict is a tricky beast and shows up in every one of our relationships. What I'm reading is that you find yourself in a loop of  seeking validation of your thoughts and feelings from your friends rather than validating yourself. Am I right? If you aren't validating yourself, no one else will be able to either.  Try finding a small nugget of truth in the feedback your friends give you, this will help to lower your defenses and help your friends hear what you are really sharing.  And then if you are still feeling vulnerable, share that too...  " +I am always down and out. Could this be postpartum depression?," Probably.  I always tell the new parents I work with (and this is just as true for dads as it is for moms) that if you are feeling off, seek help.  Postpartum Support International (www.postpartum.net) is a great place to start finding resources and locating support.  " +"I am married to a beautiful lady. I love my wife with all my heart. We have 3 boys and I have a daughter from a previous marriage. We also have 3 grandchildren. +Now this event is tearing us apart. I want our family to be together and happy. It was a mistake from so long ago. My wife wants to leave and I don't want that to happen I love her so much. Please help me save my marriage. Even my 3 boys want us to work it out. They love us both and want our family together. Please give me some advice or hope. Sincerely heart broken."," If your wife is willing, seek out a qualified couples therapist! Look for one trained in the Gottman Method or Emotionally Focused Therapy. Your relationship is repairable, but you may need some qualified support in the process.  " +We do communicate but one of us has trouble accepting what the other person says. How can I fix things?," Being able to accept your partner's influence is a key relationship skill. And it's very two sided.  Chances are if you don't feel your partner is being influenced by you, they likely don't feel you are being influenced by them either. The best fix you can practice is to soften yourself into your partner and see how much more open you can be to their influence.  Play with it.  " +"My wife and I are newly married, about 2 months. We've had some issues surrounding intercourse, particularly her lack of libido. She's on an anxiety medication, of which diminished libido is a side effect, but I think our issue is also partly one of a lack of intimacy/romance centered around my hectic schedule. Our intercourse life has suffered as a result. +Tonight she made a genuine effort to let me know she wanted intercourse, which is a big deal. Once things started, she had the most obviously fake orgasm I've ever encountered. I was honest with her about why, and told her that the most important thing to me in intercourse was knowing that she was legitimately enjoying it. She responded angrily with a complete denial of the faking. I don't know how to broach this subject and have an honest conversation. I think she will continue to lie to me about faking it which will cause our intercourse life to spiral further. Please help."," You are newly married, you Have a hectic schedule, your wife is on anti anxiety medication. What if you take the focus (hint: pressure) off of her orgasms and focus instead on connecting with one another. You know, like the gestures you each likely made while dating.  It turns out that these little moments of connection throughout our days are actually foreplay. Spend a few weeks making a real effort to focus on building up your little daily moments of connection, I wrote a post about this a while back, you can find it here: http://connectfulness.com/little-moments/ And have fun with it!  " +"I'm always told I'm not good enough or trying hard enough. I put 100% in to every thing. I'm worn out, I've worked on all of my family relationships, I'm doing great in school, I'm kind to those in need and otherwise. I stick to my religious beliefs and leave room for mistakes and learn from others so I don't have to make as many and the ones I do I learn from. +Somehow it's still not good enough and nothing I do works. Nothing has changed, and I feel hopeless. Any suggestions or ideas?"," Hello, and let me say first, what a great question!  There are so many people putting forth their 100% everyday and often times, do not get the credit they deserve. Without being able to fully understand where you're question is coming from, I think there are a couple of different ways to look at this question. First, I think it's important for us to consider the message being sent by those in your life stating that you're "not good enough." Is that ACTUALLY what they said, or is this just what you heard? Sometimes, because of our own self-doubts and fears, we skew and misinterpret the messages we receive from others. Again, listen to the message being sent and attempt to remain objective. Is the message being sent coming from a place of love or concern? If so, have an honest and open communication with that individual about what your concerns are regarding the amount of energy and time you're spending on being "good enough." Explore with them how you feel you'r already giving your best. If the person is unwilling to work at understanding this concern you have, then it may be time to explore the relationship. Some relationships we engage in can be toxic, especially if the other person is toxic. It may be they have their own "stuff" going on and they feel the need to constantly put others down to make themselves feel better. If you're in the direct path of this individual, then it serves to reason you will probably be in the direct fire, as well. Explore whether or not you want this relationship to continue in your life. If it's a relationship that MUST continue, then work on what you will do to distance yourself from their toxicity or their problems. Until they're willing to work on these issues for themselves, then it may be necessary to find an exit strategy, such as leaving the room or simply refusing to engage in the conversation.  Another perspective of this question is exploring the reason why it's important for YOU to satisfy the expectations of these other individuals? NO ONE will ever be 100% "good enough" for EVERYONE. Every single person has their own set of expectations in themselves and expectations in others. It would be impossible to satisfy all of those expectations for every single person in our lives.  The question becomes, what is it WITHIN you that feels the need to meet these expectations? There is most likely a part of you, yourself, as an individual that feels "less than" and feels as if you, yourself, are not good enough. It then becomes impossible to every feel "good enough" for others, because it's really YOU you're trying to feel good enough for. If you already feel as if you're doing everything you can do to be at your best version of yourself, then really work on LETTING GO of the rest. No one is perfect, and striving for perfection in our lives only creates more anxiety and stress. Find a middle ground in which you are happy with your accomplishments and your daily goals, and learn to let go of what's left. After all, tomorrow is a new day and you can work on more of your goals tomorrow! I recommend doing this by finding a mantra, a statement or phrase you can repeat to yourself anytime you start to feel that sense of stress and pressure from striving for perfection. The mantra can remind you to let go of this expectation you have for yourself or that others have for you so you can also let go of the stress and anxiety surrounding the expectation. I leave you with one of my favorite quotes that perhaps you can use as your mantra, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. " - Eleanor Roosevelt.  " +"I'm always told I'm not good enough or trying hard enough. I put 100% in to every thing. I'm worn out, I've worked on all of my family relationships, I'm doing great in school, I'm kind to those in need and otherwise. I stick to my religious beliefs and leave room for mistakes and learn from others so I don't have to make as many and the ones I do I learn from. +Somehow it's still not good enough and nothing I do works. Nothing has changed, and I feel hopeless. Any suggestions or ideas?"," The feeling of never feeling good enough usually stems from our early relationship with our parents or significant role models who made us to feel we were never good enough to meet their standards. In the healing process, you'll need to work on discovering the root source of where these thoughts and feelings come from and then learn to accept yourself just as you are unconditionally. I'd be pleased to help you in this process. I provide online private counseling through proventherapy.com. Dr. Rachelle Vaughan " +"He's been losing feelings and he doesn't know why. I love him very very much. He sometimes thinks I'm obsessed when I'm not at all. I give him his space and I make sure he's okay but sometimes I think if me and him saw each other more it would be better? +I truly want me and him to get better, it's kind of hard not to stress about it, because the love of my life is losing feelings which is a sad feeling. He's a great guy! I just don't know why he's been losing feelings towards me. He's starting to put less effort in talking to me. +At this point I'll do anything to just make us better as a couple. I tried talking to him but he doesn't like talking about it much. Advice on what to do?"," I'm willing to bet that this isn't what you are hoping to hear, but I'd suggest giving him space. Ooph, that's a tough one, right?! I know. But here's the thing, when you keep trying to process and talk it out with him you keep pushing him away. He needs to feel like a solid and whole person (as you do too) to be able to be fully in your relationship. It's the work of being in relationship to learn this. I get that this is tough stuff. I wonder, outside of being with him, how do you soothe and calm yourself? That's the stuff for you to tune into and focus on right now. " +"I want a secure relationship with someone that wants to be with me and who will actually put effort into it. +I seem to gravitate toward unavailable men and those that want intimacy and no relationship. I let men dictate and control me because they accuse me of being controlling. I let men emotionally abuse me and I am at their beck and call. +I am not comfortable being alone or doing anything by myself. I feel I need the security of someone being around just to survive. I know what I'm doing wrong and I do it anyway just hoping things will change. How do I stop this behavior and thought process?"," You may be interested in reading my most recent post, Intimacy Begins With You. In it I offer 7 expert tips to help you get started on a path of self connection and discovery. This is important stuff to do in order to work through that stuff that's holding you back from the relationships you desire. You may find that it's especially helpful to do this work with the alliance of a skilled individual therapist.  " +"I regret ever hurting her and they mean the world to me. But it feels like nothing I do seem to work. +I'll always love them no matter what and when I'm with them nothing else matters. I love them more then anything. I don't want another guy raising my kids."," How you you expressed your regret and taken responsibility for the pain thus far? Repair is a very essential skill in and part of developing healthy relationships. Your love sounds deep, sit with that. Also sit with how she's been hurt. You get to feel your hurt too and your kids. In feeling all this you may also find our way to the repair. If feeling all this is tough to take on, seek out a local therapist to support your process.  " +I have dog obsession disorder and I am having problems with my girlfriend because I am placing more importance to my two dogs over her. How do I get over this problem and prioritize my girlfriend over my two dogs?," Hey, dogs are cool. They adore pleasing humans and often LOVE to work on learning what you want and expect from them. Your girlfriend on the other hand, likely has her own desires and needs that she attend to before tuning into yours. You are good with dogs, that tells me that you've spent some time observing their behavior. The first step in working through this issue would be similar, start to tune into and observe your girlfriend more often... Observation is a skill when it comes to relationship building. The skills you have mastered in relating with your dogs can carry over, you will just have to relearn what behaviors you are watching. And keep in mind that also means observing yourself in relationships.  " +I find myself lying about small everyday things that there is really no need to lie about. How do I figure out what triggers me to do this? And how do I help overcome this problem? I would like to become more honest and open no matter the situation.," Well let's start with the awesome realization you've already had, you want to notice that you have triggers. That's huge. Really.  I find that when people lie, it's most often as a defense mechanism. Which is likely a flag that something doesn't feel safe. What exactly doesn't feel safe could be lots of different things but the key to notice is that it's that feeling of insecurity that is very likely triggering you.  It could really help to explore this with therapist, perhaps even someone with a trauma specialty -- that's not to say this is related to a trauma but more so to suggest that therapists specializing in trauma are very skilled at helping to identify and assist in repatterning your triggers!  " +I've been like this ever since I was in school; back then I transferred to another school. Now I'm thinking about changing my job.," I recommend that you make a list of all the reasons you should change your life and all of the reasons you shouldn't change your life. Can the problem you are in be fixed? Is there others you can lean on for support? Are there other people you know who have been through a similar experience and are willing to share their story with you? It is important to rely on your support network to help you get multiple points of view. If you believe you need additional help, I suggest seeing a professional. " +"I keep hearing I am attractive from people around me, and I think I believe it. But I have low confidence regarding approaching girls I like."," I recommend that you focus on the negative thoughts or irrational beliefs that are going through your mind at the time in which you are trying to approach a girl. When you are aware of the negative thoughts or irrational beliefs, you can then work on changing them. An easy way to recognize an irrational belief is a thought that contains the words "must or never." Once you recognize the thought or belief, I would like you to picture a big red stop sign. This is called thought stopping. This is a technique to use to stop unwanted or unhealthy thoughts. Then, I would like you to think of a more positive thought to replace it with such as: Negative thought: "That girl will never go out with me" STOP Positive thought: "I won't know if she will go out with me unless I ask". What this does is increase your self confidence by replacing your negative thoughts with positive ones that will ultimately boost your self esteem. " +We have been fighting a lot and have 3 kids but we both want to stay together. I need some help to save our family.," Hello, I do not live in the California area. However, perhaps I could make some suggestions as to where you might look for free counseling. First, I must mention that most insurances now cover for many different types of issues, including family issues. If your girlfriend lives with you, most insurances now cover "live-in partners," as well. If you have insurance, contact your policy provider and ask whether or not couples counseling is included. Aside from insurance, the next place that comes to mind is a religious affiliation. Do you belong to a church or other religious organization? Many of the pastors or leaders in these disciplines have significant training in counseling, as well as assisting with marriage and couples counseling. These services are ordinarily offered free of charge to members. Another option might be to explore support groups within the area. There may be a group in the form of a couples support group that brings couples together to explore their relationships in the safety of the group. If you find there are no such groups in your area, there are anonymous, support groups online. Here is one such site: http://relationship.supportgroups.com/  " +I'm currently dating someone else and I really like him. But I love and miss my ex so much. What do I do?," Finding the right person is a tricky thing to do. Why did you and your ex break up 3 months ago? In relationships with others you get to see a reflection of yourself. Sometimes you may enjoy that reflection, other times it may not feel so good. I'm not sure where you are in your life and relationships and what you do from here depends on what you desire more of in your life. But I'm not simply talking in the moment desire, I'm referring to the direction you want your life to go. If one of these guys was to support you...who would help you reach your dreams? And who would you enjoy spending time with? It's complicated and no one can answer the 'what to do' question but you. Slow down. Tune into your heart. Listen.   " +I feel like I have to be promiscuous in order to keep people around? It started after I got raped by my ex-boyfriend.," I recommend that you seek professional services to address the trauma you experienced. EMDR has been proven to be very effective in treating trauma. In addition, a support group might be helpful to find a more stable support network. Either a support group for victims of rape or intercourse/love addiction www.sa.org sound appropriate. Whichever group resonates the most with you will be the most helpful.  If you have any additional questions or concerns, please feel free to ask. " +"We kissed and he grabbed my boobs and we exchanged some texts and a few calls. It went on for about 8 months. Just when we were all together and our spouses were out of the room. Once I met him for lunch to tell him that we needed to stop. We ended up kissing after lunch and then I sent him a few more texts that day telling him I was serious and that was the end of it. His wife (my good friend) saw us kiss once and told my husband. I told him a couple of things then and we got over it. +A year later she told him a couple of other things. Same story. It's been about 3 years since. They are now divorced and my husband and I have been happy. A few weeks ago the wife called me and said that her now ex told her more stuff we did. I decided to just tell my husband everything. We are trying to work things out. But he is having a really hard time believing that he knows all of it. How can I help him believe me?"," The issue at hand here is that you're betrayal broke his trust. In order to repair your relationship you will both need to confront the infidelity. And both of you will need to honor yourselves by communicating your feelings and ensuring that those feelings are heard and validated. It would be really helpful to do this work with a Gottman or Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist. Gottman's The Science of Trust and What Makes Love Last would both be helpful reference books to guide you along.  " +"Cheating is something unacceptable for me but because we have two daughters I decided not to break up the family. +However, now I am struggling to forget and forgive what happened. I feel like I cannot trust him. Without trust, I cannot stay in this relationship. On the other hand, I do not want my children to get hurt. I'm not sure how to move forward?"," Let's just start with acknowledging that trust is huge and betrayal hurts. You're entitled to your feelings; all of them and you need to know that your husband understands you. That said some ways are more effective at rebuilding and repairing relationships that others. I am a big fan of The Gottman Method for couples therapy, especially following infedienity. You can read about this approach in Gottman's books: "The Science of Trust" and "Making Love Last" and/or you can seek a Gottman Certified couples therapist here: https://www.gottman.com/private-therapy/  " +"I feel that I need to end my present relationship. He lives three hours away and likes the reassurance of having someone to talk to multiple times per day and seeing me once or twice a month. I want someone who is more present and more of a life companion. +Lately, he has had a very busy work schedule and I have only seen him a few times in the last 6 weeks. I told him that I can't continue in this way because I constantly feel frustrated and angry and that he is not making the relationship enough of a priority. I also feel it is keeping me from possibly finding the relationship I want. +We have been together 7 years. The problem is that I panic and experience anxiety and depression thinking of him with someone else and then thinking I will never meet someone I like. We have gone through this cycle already 4-5 times and I feel it is unhealthy to stay in it, but my aversion to the anxiety and depression I experience upon separation always leads me to reconcile."," Sounds like your panic is less about loosing the relationship you are in (which by the way doesn't sound like it's meeting YOUR need for connection) and more about being alone. Being with him is serving you, even if the relationship is less than ideal, from being alone. Being alone can be scary. You'd have to face yourself. You'd have to learn to love and care for and cherish yourself. All important skills and tasks in maturing and growing up, but scary none the less. What if...What if you gave yourself permission to be in a relationship with YOU? " +He goes out with her to dinner/brunch/movies when we are not together (we live 2 hours apart).," Would you have the same desire to meet this friend if she were a he? If you are concerned that their friendship is a substitute for you when you aren't present, talk to him. It sounds like you are concerned that he is building an emotional intimacy with her and spending time doing the sort of things with her that you'd otherwise be doing with him. Help him understand why this bothers you but try to also be open to allowing him to make friends. Is the issue that he hasn't introduced you? Is there another reason you don't trust their friendship?  " +What do I do if I have been feeling like I could never be with anyone because no one would want me. Or I couldn't have many friends because of who I am. It's strange I want to be loved but I'd hate to be because I always lose., What would make you feel no one wants to be with you? +"I'm in a relationship, but I feel like I'm always putting more into it and not getting reciprocated. My ex told me that I will never find anyone else, and that's lingering in the back of my mind."," The most crucial key to any relationship is that mutual feeling you hold between you both: that you matter. Sounds like you are stuck in a cycle of hearing your ex say you don't matter. That's why it didn't work with him btw. He wasn't reflecting to you that you mattered. However it ended, clearly though that's the sentiment that's lingering with you. So here you are hanging around a new man why is telling you the same message. Move on. You aren't unworthy, you just haven't found a man who is worthy of you!  To be worthy of you, he must see your worth. Often though before anyone else can see your worth, you have to believe it.   " +"This is preventing me from getting a job. I have bad relationship with my bipolar mother. I am living with her but it stresses me out so much to be around her that I have locked myself in my room. I have no friends or other family to help me. I have no money for therapy, but I think I need therapy before I can secure a job.", A good first step would be to make an appointment with your primary care provider & discuss your concerns.  They would have resources available to help in your particular situation. +"I have no self control over food. Most people stop when they've had enough, but I keep eating for the pleasure of it. Especially with sweets - I'm never done eating dessert."," Hello! I'm so glad you decided to write in today. This is such a great question and I'm sure many others will relate to exactly what you're describing. There are a few different ways we can look at in understanding your concern.  First, I think it's important to understand food is just food. Food is meant to nourish our bodies, provide us with energy and yes, sometimes reserved for special occasions and celebrations. But in many cultures, we place a LOT of emphasis on food. We have food at every gathering and every celebration. What's more people have come to almost EXPECT food to be present at any and every get-together. And if it's not? Well, then forget about it!  I see this time and time again with my clients. Donuts appear in the office, and it's almost like donuts have never been there before! Must eat one (or two)! However, we need to remind ourselves that this occurrence, or similar ones, will not be the last time we can enjoy this particular food. It is likely the office donuts have happened before, and they will be there again on another day. During these moments, I like to have my clients employ a Stop-and-Think method. Stop-and-Think about your goals before you eat. Is this donut getting you where you want to be? Also, I have my clients ask themselves how special is this donut? If the donut really is a special donut (from the best bakery in town and you've never been there before) then now might be a time to have the donut. But if not, it would be wise to pass and wait until that "special" donut.  Another aspect we need to remember about food, is to think about what we're getting from overindulging or overeating. Are you trying to drown out other emotions? Are you trying to feel better and the food gives you that feeling for a brief moment? What ELSE is going on? This can be determined by utilizing what we describe as a Thought Record. A Thought Record involves tracking and identifying thoughts and feelings associated with food triggers. By targeting the emotions, we can then determine where they're coming from, as well as how to decipher them. A therapist can also help you with understanding your emotions related to food and will be helpful in assisting you with the Thought Record. The most important thing to remember is that "food addiction" can be a real problem for a lot of people. If food is taking over your life and you are preoccupied and overwhelmed with knowing where to start, please seek out help. Binge eating is the most common eating disorder and impacts the lives of thousands.  There are lots of free resources and information on my website at www.maddenwellnessky.com. In addition, I offer individual coaching and counseling through my website and I would love to help! - Amber " +"I have no self control over food. Most people stop when they've had enough, but I keep eating for the pleasure of it. Especially with sweets - I'm never done eating dessert."," I would recommend removing yourself from the environment you are in after you have finished eating. A simple walk around the block, calling up a friend and going to visit, or even going to another room in the house can help. If you find that you truly have no self control over food, I recommend attending Overeaters Anonymous; a 12 step group for those with compulsive issues related to food. I hope this helps.  " +"I know someone who is extremely sensitive to stress and very sensitive to a negative tone of voice. Sometimes during a disagreement he tells me that my communication is having a harmful impact on him. Once he believes I am being negative I can't seem to find a better way of communicating. In fact, it is often a self fulling prophesy because his accusatory manner becomes unbearably frustrating. + +What advice might you offer?"," With any type of criticism, it is usually best to introduce the topic at a neutral time, ie: when both of you are relaxed, with no current stressors involved, having fun, etc.   Begin with a non-judgmental reflective comment about a recent bothersome event, as if it were just then crossing your mind (therefore not something you've been consumed with ruminating over - eases the impulse for him to dive straight into defense mode). Then share how you felt at the time of the event.  Just say when.... I felt kind of hurt / shocked (or whatever the feeling was).  PERIOD.  THATS ALL YOU SHOULD SAY.  Wait for him to respond to your matter-of-fact statement. No matter what his response is, stick to your same message - don't get overwhelmed by trying to rephrase or explain your view as that will likely set you up for continued arguing.  You can even add, "I agree I could have misunderstood  it (event).... I just know it made me feel uneasy." Here you give him little wiggle room for a debate. Good luck & I'd love to hear how it goes! " +"When I ask him who he is talking to, he tells me no one. But, it sounds like he is holding a conversation with someone. I have even accused him of having a secret cell phone. I ask so much, I feel like I am losing it. Is he trying to make me question my sanity, or is he talking to himself?"," A rare topic & likely extremely troublesome for you... I would need to have more background information on the two of you before beginning to offer any insight. Feel free to email me. I would also like to add that aside from the reality of whether or not these conversations are actually occurring, as your partner, he should be just as concerned about something that is disturbing you to this level.  Partners need each others' trust and support, no matter who is right or wrong. " +"We went out had great intercourse and I was really liking her. Then one day she says we should just be friends, but I can't stop thinking about her. She's always on mind and I want her back."," It can be really difficult when someone you care about doesn't feel the same about you. The most important thing to remember is that you can not make her feel a certain way.  There is nothing you can do to force her to want to be in a relationship with you. In the end, if she ""just wants to be friends"" then she's probably not the right match for you. Remember, every relationship ends - until that last one that doesn't.  And that is how it's supposed to be   " +"She cried because she lost all trust in me. Now I feel disgusting and like my heart just got stabbed, what do I do?", It sounds like you've already learned that just being honest is often the best approach.  What do you think about telling your mom how you're feeling?  She might really appreciate it if you also let her know that regaining her trust is really important to you.  +I'm a 40 year old male and having erection problems. Still have the desire for a woman. Awfully frustrated. Any suggestions? My Doc doesn't want to discuss it., When a doc blows you off it may be a signal that it is time to find a new one! ED can often be caused by health issues. If all physical possibilities are ruled out then it's time to look within and enlist the help of a intercourse therapist. Here's a good article for you to start with. +He is in his late thirties and I am in my mid twenties. We have been together for about 5 months. I really like him. He says he cares about me and is willing to fight to make things right. He has been very apologetic and expressed he did it out of fear. I don't know if it's worth giving him a second chance.," Cheating is often a sign that something is amiss in the relationship. His fear may be full of information. While it's possible to repair relationships after a betrayal it's also challenging to do, especially so early in your relationship. I can't tell you if you should/shouldn't give this relationship a second chance but I will tell you to tune into your own intuition (and follow your own fears in doing so, they often are incredibly informative when we don't push them away with denial). " +"However, it seems as though he is really talking to someone other than himself. I have even accused him of having a secret phone. Is he trying to make me crazy on purpose, or is he really talking to himself?"," Some people simply talk to themselves as a way of processing information. Have you checked in with your husband about this in a non-accusatory way? Something like ""Hey babe (or whatever sweet name you typically use), I'm so curious what that's all about? Do you notice that you are talking out loud?"" Chances are it's just how he thinks things through and is not at all about trying to make you crazy, it's just one of his quirks you'll grow to endear. Early married life is a time full of discovering one another's quirks!  " +"I keep getting into relationships with men that are in bad situations. I take them on and help them and do all I can and the relationship still fails. How do I learn to not get in relationships with men in bad situations? I see someone in need of help, I jump in. And it is getting me nowhere. I am alone sad and frustrated."," Sounds like you already see what's amiss. You're looking for fix-er-uppers! When you meet these men they need you. And you're filled by fixing them.  And when they are fixed, what do they have to give you? What's your need in relationship? What if you found someone who didn't need fixing?  " +I have manic depression and last summer was very very bad. I have recurring nightmares and I avoid anything that will give me a similar feeling as I did that summer.," In general, the answer is no. Depression can not not generally cause PTSD.  Your question does make a lot of sense, though. Depression is a common symptom of PTSD.  A counselor in your area should be able to help you what's going on - either feelings of depression, PTSD, or both.  " +I loved him more than anything. He passed away on our anniversary which was also the day I was going to apply for our apartment. I'm not handling it well. I moved to a new town and started a new life but nothing helps.," Grief is unpredictable and does not fit into rules and stereotypes. Everybody grieves differently, react in their own ways. There can be no expectations about how long, how hard, how easy it will be.  Furthermore there is no way around it. No matter how much we may want to escape the pain and accelerate the process by doing all the 'right' things we have been told will help with our bereavement, there is only one way: through... The more we allow the pain to go through us, experience it, accept it, acknowledge it, make peace with it, the more we will heal.  Grief comes in waves but can also feel like a rollercoaster. At first the waves feel like tsunamis, with time they become smaller and more spaced out. Yet every time they catch us by surprise. All the 'firsts without them' after a loved one has passed away, every anniversary, birthday, holiday, are all difficult times. You can not force grief to go away, to heal the wound faster than it needs to take. What you can do though is ride the wave. Go with the flow. Accept the pain. Express it. Talk to your loved one that has passed away. Express your emotions, every single one of them, both positive and negative. Write down in your journal. Take good care of your body, your nutrition, your rest. Grief is very taxing on the body too yet we disregard that.  Read inspiring books, surround yourself with beauty and things that soothe your soul. Be brave and be open to the world out there, be vulnerable with pride. Try new things you never dared try before. Meet new people. Travel. Hang out with close friends. Ask for help when you need it. Be kind and gentle to yourself.  The more you chase and wait for happiness, the more it will elude you. The more you stay bravely in your present and do the best you can, being loving to yourself, honest about your feelings and do not try to escape grief, the sooner it will loosen up it's claws and allow you to feel relief and finally heal. One thing is for certain, happiness will be there to it's appointment and it will be when you least expect it! Keep the faith and keep walking, nothing can remain the same forever. The only certainty is change! " +"I have recently separated from my husband whom I have been with for 5 years. Throughout our 5 years together, I have stood by him through 2 affairs, him talking to other women while I was pregnant, his drug abuse and thru verbal and physical abuse."," It usually boils down to a lack of self esteem, self love and self acceptance. If for whatever reason the 'scripts' we have been told about ourselves from others, or what we have witnessed as children has become our beliefs about what to expect from life and others, have been negative, it is hard to imagine a different reality for ourselves. If what we have learned and observed in our close environment has not taught us and inspired a healthy self esteem, then we can not know what it is and how it feels like. It is as if we lack the language, the words to define it and the skills to practice it. Putting up with a loved one's drug addiction, their infidelity, lack of respect and esteem, verbal and physical abuse, tend to show and reflect the degree of our lack of self esteem, lack of sense of self worth, lack of belief that we are worth and deserve more from life. Separating was the first step towards reversing this negative situation. Spending time on your own and distancing yourself from your past experiences with him will give you a better and clearer perspective. The fact that you are asking yourself this question, shows that at some level you are aware that something is not quite right. It is just a matter of finding out exactly what it is, how you got where you are now and how to get where you want to get in your life in the future. Working with a therapist/counselor will help you understand the mechanisms and learn how to build a healthy sense of self esteem. Get a good sense of who you are and what you want. And finally design the right strategy and plan of action to achieve your goal, to move on in a healthy manner. You have made the first step, it is now a matter of being consistent in seeking help and doing the work until you achieve what you want. Become who you want to be and create the life you want for yourself. " +"I'm in a relationship with my fiancé and I currently found out that she's been cheating on me with a co-worker. I was very upset none the less. I understand what she did was wrong, but I want to spend the rest of my life with her. So I'm willing to forgive and move on. We have been together for a little over 9 years, and we have a son. At the beginning of our relationship, I was unfaithful and she caught me cheating. She forgave me for what I've done to her and since then I been completely faithful. I'm worried about our relationship and want to move forward but its been very unsettling. All I can think about is her with another man. I don't know what to do or where to go for advice?"," My first question for you would be to see if you've talked with her about it yet? You mentioned you found out....and I know this can be so painful. It can also be frightening to bring up the experience when it hurts a lot, when you feel so unsettled as you mention. But you can look at this as a vital and important piece of information about what's happening in your relationship, and an invitation to get really honest and genuine with each other.  You have a long history, being together 9 years, and a son, so you are very bonded no matter what changes happen in your relationship. It may be incredibly helpful to find a counselor you can both go talk with. Having a third party who is neutral and cares about your process and hers can be such a relief when you need to discuss things you feel scared about. Even just a few sessions can make a huge difference.  If this doesn't feel possible for you right now.....ask your fiancee for time to set aside for a meaningful heart-to-heart talk. Say you'd like to set it up on the calendar, and make sure you have a babysitter for your son. Set aside at least 4 hours. Let her know that you'd like to hear her honest truth about what's going on, and share with her your truth as well. It's not a time for criticizing or condemning, and I don't sense that is your intention at all--you have a great deal of love for her. Speaking honestly and listening openly is an amazing gift, both for yourself and for your partner. You can do it. " +"I'm in a relationship with my fiancé and I currently found out that she's been cheating on me with a co-worker. I was very upset none the less. I understand what she did was wrong, but I want to spend the rest of my life with her. So I'm willing to forgive and move on. We have been together for a little over 9 years, and we have a son. At the beginning of our relationship, I was unfaithful and she caught me cheating. She forgave me for what I've done to her and since then I been completely faithful. I'm worried about our relationship and want to move forward but its been very unsettling. All I can think about is her with another man. I don't know what to do or where to go for advice?"," Hello, I know this is a tough situation your going through and it has you questioning everything but one thing is certain, and that is that you still love her, dealing with the hurt can be very challenging but after learning from your mistake you changed and became more faithful and loving and the comfort knowing she forgave you, is what made you love her more and less likely to hurt her once again. You live and you learn, she will soon realize her mistake and her outtake may be the same yours was. But marriage is a special bond in front of God, which means once you are officially married, cheating and lieing to eachother will only lead to an early divorce. Practice in your pre-marriage state with speaking to her and opening up to eachother about what you feel and what you look forward to in this marriage. It's possible she's seeking something from someone else because she is not receiving it in her own relationship, improve, grow and be strong. Learn from your mistakes " +"About 5 months ago my ex left without fully explaining why. For me it seemed out of the blue. I don't miss her as much as I used to but I just don't trust people anymore, not even my friends who I have known since my childhood not even my family. I'm so terrified of being judged or dismissed. Instead of acting like someone else or putting on a mask of a personality, I've just shut down. I haven't felt that sense of comfort and happiness with myself since everything fell apart. I'm scared to because I don't want it to be taken away from me again. I feel like ever lesson I learn only last a day. I just don't know what to do. I'm working at a place I know I should enjoy. I'm keeping up with my creative passions: working out, eating healthy, etc. I'm doing everything the books say I should do, but I don't feel any different. I just don't know what to do."," Sounds like you need closure. I'm sure your doing your best to overcome this feeling but seem to be struggling with your own happiness. Trust God no one else. Give this some time and don't close yourself off to the world or the people who love you. Be open hearted and minded. And know that no matter what reason your ex walked out of your life, she missed out on how great of a person you truly are and may have had personal issues of her own.  " +Then turn right back around and say he loves me and needs me. This rollercoaster is crazy., Your partners obviously very confused when it comes to love. Sometimes people shy away from good and positive relationships and companionship because their afraid. They know that it's something worth holding on to but most feel they can't handle it and can't meet up to their partners expectations. Your partner loves you but must have fear that keeps standing in his way. It could also mean their afraid of getting hurt or disapointed in the long run.  Give your partner comfort and reassurance that they can come to you to confide in you about anything that may be bothering them.  +"I'm in a relationship with my fiancé and I currently found out that she's been cheating on me with a co-worker. I was very upset none the less. I understand what she did was wrong, but I want to spend the rest of my life with her. So I'm willing to forgive and move on. We have been together for a little over 9 years, and we have a son. At the beginning of our relationship, I was unfaithful and she caught me cheating. She forgave me for what I've done to her and since then I been completely faithful. I'm worried about our relationship and want to move forward but its been very unsettling. All I can think about is her with another man. I don't know what to do or where to go for advice?"," I'm sorry for the stress and unhappiness stemming the problem you describe. Trust your instinct that there is more complexity to feeling good about being in a partnership than simply wanting this to happen. In any relationship, the complexities of each person combine.   Often people accept when this feels good and are lost as to what to do when natural human complexity, doesn't match up with our partner in the way we'd like. A couples' therapist would be able to help each of you talk about the factors motivating the cheating, as well as clarify the reasons you each have for continuing to stay together.  The unique advantage of couple's therapy is that each person is able to hear their partner talk out loud about themselves and their partner. This is sometimes enormously helpful since our inner thoughts are often hidden yet very dominant in how we direct ourselves in relationships. Sometimes the initial consult session offers enough new understanding that a second session wouldn't be necessary for a while. Good luck in finding your relationship happiness! " +"This is preventing me from getting a job. I have bad relationship with my bipolar mother. I am living with her but it stresses me out so much to be around her that I have locked myself in my room. I have no friends or other family to help me. I have no money for therapy, but I think I need therapy before I can secure a job."," Overwhelming fear, social anxiety and depression are especially painful because they make behaving constructively a challenge.  But there are also lots of examples of folks who have successfully worked their way through this.  So there is hope!    In addition to the suggestion to visit your doctor (who may prescribe a medication to help you relax), there are many social service agencies who provide free counseling or take medicaid.  A good CBT therapist will help you look at your thinking so that you may see how you are distorting your thoughts.   Behavior is also important.  Despite how you may feel: it is helpful to go out, to do things that relax you (maybe a yoga class or a meditation class?).  Exercise. Diet. Eat well. Think back on the things that you used to do that helped in the past, and force yourself to do these things again.  I know that this seems hard, but it beats the alternative, doesn't it?   Of course, I recommend you pick up a copy of my book, Living Yes, which will help you look at these and other ideas to help you out.  I hope you get unstuck soon!  ~Mark (www.MarkMorrisLCSW.com and www.LivingYes.org) " +"My doctor thinks that seeing a psychiatrist will help with my depression and anxiety. Now my anxiety is worse, what do I do? Writing on here has taken every bit of strength I have left."," Did you take the medication the way the psychiatrist prescribed it?  Did you follow up with her/him to report how it was going?  Different medications work differently with different people.   It's not always the first one that helps.  And some of the medications take some time to have an effect.  Give the doctor the chance to help you.  I suggest you find a certified CBT therapist to help you examine your thinking.  www.AcademyofCT.org has listings of the finest CBT clinicians.   In the meantime, do some ""anxiety fasting"" by taking a few minutes to do something nice for yourself right now.  I hope you feel better soon.  ~Mark (www.MarkMorrisLCSW.com and www.LivingYes.org) " +"In particular during family gatherings (such as funerals), where there are different customs."," You have an opportunity, but you haven't described a problem.  (Are you creating one?)  Many families have various members who have different spiritual beliefs and religious practices.  Accepting the idea that those with whom we are close may be different from us is the only way to create a world of peace.   This may be a wonderful opportunity to practice tolerance and love.  If mutual decisions need to be made in religious contexts, you may also get to practice boundary setting, assertiveness (without aggression), communication skills, and loving kindness.  This is a great problem to work through!  It is indeed a very spiritual question.  Blessings to you all, ~Mark (www.MarkMorrisLCSW.com and www.LivingYes.org) " +I have manic depression and last summer was very very bad. I have recurring nightmares and I avoid anything that will give me a similar feeling as I did that summer.," A PTSD diagnosis requires an event which occurred at least 6 months prior to the symptoms.   Depression is a common symptom of PTSD, but depression can come from many other sources as well.   In the end, diagnoses are systems of behavioral labels.  If you believe that one label (PTSD) is worse than another (Depression), you are creating a false hierarchy.    Consider consulting a CBT therapist, such as the fine clinicians listed in AcademyofCT.org.   You may also want to look at my book, Living Yes, for many ideas about challenging your thinking and improving you mood. www.LivingYes.org.  I hope you feel better soon.  ~Mark  (www.MarkMorrisLCSW.com and www.LivingYes.org) " +I always feel like I'm not good enough and it literally is so hard living. I don't know how to talk to my parents about it.," Are you a teen?  This is a really hard problem for more teens (and adults) than let on.  When I was about 15, I remember asking my parent's friend, Herman, whether life gets any easier when you get older.  He said the problems are actually harder, but you gain the ability to deal with them better.  I've been an adult a long time now, and that is so true.  If you need someone to talk to, consider a teacher or a school guidance counselor or someone you respect, maybe in church.  If they're good and they don't know how to help you, they may know how to get you to someone who can.   Also, the idea of not being ""good enough"" is a common psychological event.  In CBT it's called a ""core belief,"" but I call it a ""core lie"" in my book, Living Yes, a Handbook for Being Human.  If you are serious about changing yourself, read about it  at www.LivingYes.org and pick up a copy there or on Amazon.   I hope this was helpful.  The future is filled with possibility if we don't prejudge it!  ~Mark (www.MarkMorrisLCSW.com and www.LivingYes.org) " +"I think I'm annoying and bothersome, but my girlfriend says I'm just fine. I don't think so, I think I'm stressing everyone else out"," I think you have identified something important here. It's not unusual to experience feelings that don't seem to match up with what your rational mind recognizes.  In this case, it sounds like a part of you recognizes that the people around you do not find you ""annoying and bothersome."" Despite knowing that people like you, it seems that there's still a part of you that feels like you're a bother. Finding a local counselor who can work with you to process those feelings might be just the help you need. " +Sometimes 3 times a night.," As a depth therapist (aka ""psychodynamic practitioner""), I do a lot of dream work with clients; and they gain great insights from our explorations. We remember dreams, I believe, because dreams are messages (always in code) from the unconscious, communicating the crux of unresolved conflict between who we are and who we think we are supposed to be. You might be remembering so many dreams because your conscious mind is ready to hear these messages...and make some internal changes in response. Write them down! You'll be glad you did. A broad cross-section of these these messages will help your therapist help you interpret the meanings of these communications from you to you, and possibly chart your best path forward toward to resolve the cause of psychological symptoms you might be experiencing. " +"I found out my boyfriend takes anti-depression medicine. Lately he's been saying he has a lot on his mind, and he needs time to think about us. We've only been dating 3 weeks but I like him a lot."," This seems like two questions.  The first is what may have happened to prompt him to back off.  The second is what it means to you to have a boyfriend who takes anti-depression medication who says he has ""a lot on his mind.""  Both give you opportunity to look at yourself.   Having expectations can be a huge trap.  I write about this extensively in the first chapter of my book Living Yes (www.LivingYes.org).  Is there any way that you can enjoy your time together without expecting anything down the road?  Are there wonderful lessons for you to take from the relationship - even if it only lasts three weeks?  Can you create a mindset of gratitude for what is and let the future expectations (and future demands) go?  Are there new ways to communicate that might bring you together?  What are the lessons for you about allowing the relationship to develop its own course on its own time?  Again, let go of all expectations, and see what happens. That's what ""Living Yes"" requires. I am sure this will work out well for you - either with him or without him.  ~Mark  (www.MarkMorrisLCSW.com and www.LivingYes.org) " +I feel like I'm trying to convince myself that I'm okay when I'm not. I'm always blocking out the bad things and forgetting. I also feel like nobody cares for me and they never will. I feel truly alone.," I'm glad you're aware of how you honestly feel.  Knowing one's personal truth is always the first step in finding what is necessary to be and develop. Reflect a little more on the type of care you'd like in your life. ""Care"" means anything from checking in on someone to deep, intimate connection between two people. Knowing your own definition of ""care"" is the first step to know what is necessary for you to recognize what you'd like attracting. It is much easier to attract what we'd like if we are clear on what this is. " +Sometimes 3 times a night., Dreams are our chance to make sense of our waking lives. If you've got a lot going on in your life then your dreams are your assistants in understanding these happenings and dynamics. +"About 5 months ago my ex left without fully explaining why. For me it seemed out of the blue. I don't miss her as much as I used to but I just don't trust people anymore, not even my friends who I have known since my childhood not even my family. I'm so terrified of being judged or dismissed. Instead of acting like someone else or putting on a mask of a personality, I've just shut down. I haven't felt that sense of comfort and happiness with myself since everything fell apart. I'm scared to because I don't want it to be taken away from me again. I feel like ever lesson I learn only last a day. I just don't know what to do. I'm working at a place I know I should enjoy. I'm keeping up with my creative passions: working out, eating healthy, etc. I'm doing everything the books say I should do, but I don't feel any different. I just don't know what to do."," since you realize your sense of trust was broken, withdrawing from close relationships, makes sense. This may be your Self giving you natural time to recuperate from emotional pain. Also it is your chance to think over how to handle yourself differently in future relationships. Maybe this process requires more time than you'd like. Having patience is very difficult when a person feels hurt. A therapist of your own may be a good idea so you have someone for guidance and to chart your progress w you. This may feel less lonely and help you tolerate the waiting period till you're better " +"I think I'm annoying and bothersome, but my girlfriend says I'm just fine. I don't think so, I think I'm stressing everyone else out","Interesting:  How much of your issue is your own self-judging and how much of your perception is real? There are many ways to stop judging and self-judging using Cognitive Theory (CBT).  You could find a (CBT) counselor/ therapist to help you reduce your judgments.  In addition, I've written extensively about this in my book, LIVING YES, A HANDBOOK FOR BEING HUMAN (www.LivingYes.org).  I recommend you visit the webpage and pick up a copy. As to your own perception:  You seem okay being who you are, and your girlfriend agrees.  Instead, you appear to be upset by your own guess at what others may be thinking. That's a trap that stresses a lot of folks out.  Consider this:  Many happy people don't mind what others think of them.  And consider this:  Many heroic characters in literature and movies are unlikeable.  (""Colombo"" is annoying and bothersome, but we love him.  So is Johnny's Depp's Jack Sparrow and many of the roles played by George Clooney, Sandra Bullock, and Jack Nicholson.)  Would it be okay with you to be an ""antihero"" in your own life?  If you don't want to be an antihero, you have the power to be the person you want.   Your behaviors and thoughts are completely under your control.  What other people think of you is not under your control.  You are completely in the driver's seat here.  The choices are all yours.  Enjoy who you are, and use your will power to make yourself who you want to be!  ~Mark  (www.MarkMorrisLCSW.com and www.LivingYes.org) " +"Sometimes I can't stop thinking about life after death. I was raised in a religion that teaches that we will live on forever either in hell or in heaven. +When I think of living forever (even if it is in heaven which should be good), I feel overwhelmed. I don't like the thought of living forever and ever and ever. Sometimes I just can't get the thought out of my mind and the thoughts lead to panic and anxiety. +Am I crazy? I don't think these thoughts are normal."," Many people generate intense anxiety with obsessive thinking.  While the nature of your obsession about the afterlife and eternity appear very powerful and unique to you, the pattern of obsessing about one thing/area is common.   I suggest that you consider counseling to help you with your anxiety.  If you are so inclined, there are also medications which may bring relief.  Obviously, I can't diagnose you from one paragraph, so it would be wise to visit an experienced mental health professional (either a counselor or an MD in your area) to help you with disengaging from your self-destructive thoughts.   CBT, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, is a very effective counseling approach for obsessive thinking.  If you'd like a see a top notch CBT therapist, visit www.AcademyofCT.org.  And of course I suggest you pick up my book, LIVING YES, A HANDBOOK FOR BEING HUMAN, which includes CBT concepts and many more tools which will help with obsession and anxiety. As for believing yourself ""insane"" (or ""crazy"") this is not a mental health term but a legal one (or a slang).  So as long as you don't commit a crime, no professional can legitimately call you insane or crazy! Take it slow!  ~Mark (www.MarkMorrisLCSW.com and www.LivingYes.org) " +I keep on begging him to come back. I am so unhappy with him but am so scared of being a single parent to our son. I was abused as a little girl and that has made to be very abusive to men. What should I do...," Major change frightens almost everybody. Don't be so afraid of your fear that you let yourself beg and are willing to accept unhappiness as a standard in your marriage. If you start considering that life can be better than what is current for you now, new possibilities and ideas will start developing in your mind. Consider finding a therapist so that you have private space to talk in detail about your fears and the new ways of seeing your Self. A therapy relationship, since it is safe and supportive, will be a good balance to having been abused, suffered, and unhappy. " +"She was raised by her abusive father and his wife. 30 years ago I shot and killed my rapist and was convicted in Louisiana. I lost custody of my daughter and served 5 years. When I was released, she was 5 and didn't remember me. Many many sad memories came from my having to leave her visit after visit, having to leave her in Texas to travel back to Louisiana. She doesn't remember that. I do. +Over the years, I thought we had developed a close mother daughter relationship. She gave me good reason to doubt that on several occasions but especially last year. I have been cruel to her verbally and to my son who I met years after giving him up for adoption. Last night, I was angry at the world and afraid of God. I drank and cussed out a maintenance worker for not doing his job 4 months running. Now I'm not only feeling guilty for that but afraid of being evicted now. Help."," Was either parent abusive or violent toward you? You sound to have suffered emotionally in your relationships since early in life. One point to consider is to strive for moderation in what you offer in relationships. A lot of what you've lived through is extreme, either as victim or perpetrator. If you imagine that apologizing to the custodian for the way spoke to him, would calm him down, do so. At the very least, you'll be actively resolving your guilt over cussing at him, and fear of his retaliation. " +Sometimes 3 times a night.," Perhaps more dreaming means that you are making use of your mind to solve problems.  I find that change states, while sometimes difficult, are very exciting.  They give you opportunity to grow more rapidly.  So I say: ""congratulations!""  ~Mark (www.MarkMorrisLCSW.com and www.LivingYes.org) " +Why am I attracted to older men?," What a wonderful question! Good for you on clearly knowing your priorities. If I was sitting with you now, I'd ask you to list your reasons. Start with whatever answers you do come up with and examine each of these a little further. If, for example, you feel you need a man because many of your friends are in relationships, then possibly you feel insecure about being your unique self, even when this sets you apart from your friends. If, you feel you need a man to protect you financially, then possibly you've lost faith in your ability to financially support yourself. If you'd like a man in your life to offer your love and are willing to contribute the work of relating intimately, then you've found the best reason for wanting a man in your life. This is far different than ""need"". " +"I found out my boyfriend takes anti-depression medicine. Lately he's been saying he has a lot on his mind, and he needs time to think about us. We've only been dating 3 weeks but I like him a lot."," Your boyfriend may like you a lot as well. People have different styles of reflecting on their lives, one of which is to retreat the way you describe your boyfriend doing. One point you can consider is asking for a time frame of when he'd be ready to discuss his thoughts on your relationship. He's entitled to retreat, as much as you're entitled to talk. Cooperating with the other person's way of handling themselves is one aspect of relating. Since the anti-depressants are a concern for you, consider bringing up this topic when the two of you do talk. " +"I have been with my best friend for over a year, and we have had a beautiful baby girl. We were in love, and I still love her dearly. I am in my late teens and so is she. She says she has lost her connection with me. She is talking to a random guy that she says is just someone to talk to. But she says she still loves me. I'm very hurt and confused."," Congrats on having your daughter! Have you told your partner about your feelings of ""hurt and confused""? This is one possible way of opening a conversation about the different ways you each feel about one another and whether either of you would like changing or continuing to live together, in light of the change in emotional connection. The first step of having a dialogue about a relationship is being clear on what you are feeling, what you are willing to contribute to the relationship and what you would like having in return from your partner. Ask your partner if she is willing to have a conversation on these topics.   Then, allow some time so each of you is clear about their own expectations and what is possible to offer the other. This is a fairly complex process and very often is difficult to keep on track without outside help to keep the discussion focused. It is normal for emotions to override our logic when discussing matters we care about deeply. If the conversations don't go very far, or if your partner has no interest in talking, stick with your own interest to more fully understand matters. Interview some therapists to find one whom you feel helps you clarify and find direction for yourself about this situation. " +Then turn right back around and say he loves me and needs me. This rollercoaster is crazy.," Yes, I agree with your view about the ""rollercoaster"" sounding ""crazy""! Concentrate on knowing what your reasons are for staying with this guy, given the broad facts that you state. What are you gaining from being together and are these gains outweighing how you feel when your companion says the opposite of what he just told you? Also, examine yourself for any fears of being alone. Very often, people stay in detrimental relationships because of a fear that being alone will feel worse. It may, initially feel this way after a breakup. This is from change itself. Eventually, stability and peace of mind return, and being alone with oneself is preferred to being taken on an emotional rollercoaster by a partner. " +I'm going through a majorly bad divorce and my wife is making things so impossible for me. I need help.," Crying due to a dissolution of a marriage, is normal.   Hating yourself may be a sign of extreme sadness, feelings of loss and uncertainty. Do you know why you hate yourself?  Discovering your reason is the first step in knowing the obstacles and then the additional steps possible, to move from ""hate"" to ""self-love"". Divorce signals a loss of familiar life structure and daily routines.   As with any meaningful loss, crying is part of mourning what is soon to be gone. If you have confidence in your attorney's handling of the legal areas related to the divorce, and the ""impossible"" you reference is on facing and coming to terms with statements and behaviors from your wife that you never noticed before, then your best choice is to find a therapist whom you feel at ease in talking with, to sort through the emotional upheaval within yourself and your everyday life and world. Divorce is a wonderful time for learning about ones own emotional needs and expectations in relationships since these are the areas currently coming apart. The good news behind losing something that seems valuable, is that new space becomes open to attract what is more suitable for who you are. " +"I want us all to get along, but feel that I am not being respected. Of course I do have some insecurities because he was with his ex for 8 years. He wants to see his step daughter and ex makes it so he has to go there to see her, but she doesn't want me around. She has a boyfriend, but mine fixes their vehicles, goes over once a week and hangs out with the ex and does family things with her. Since he works nights, I only see him parts of Friday-Sunday and we live together. He won't let me use his phone when I forgot mine, says his ex used to mess with it. I don't think he's cheating, but he will lie about what time he actually left her place to come home or about going over early to be with them. I feel like the other woman. She has tried to mess with holiday plans by restricting when he can see the child. He only dated once person before her, so this could be why. I don't feel he has let go enough. He is a wonderful boyfriend other than this."," How much of your unhappiness with your boyfriend's way of handling himself regarding his ex, have you told him? The topics that upset you are the core of any intimate relationship. The good news is your own awareness of priorities and expectations from a partner. There may not be any bad news, depending on whether your boyfriend has the interest to adjust what he does regarding the ex. Talking the matters you list, may open a lot of emotion and become sidetracked very easily. A couples' therapist, whose focus is on the couple, not either of you as individuals, may be useful to you and your boyfriend so that you are able to complete your discussions without getting lost by the emotions raised. " +"My therapist is gay so there are no intercourseual issues here. However, my therapist for six years has made me believe that he cares about me and that we are friends. I have loaned money to him many times, and he always paid me back. + +I had a medical emergency last weekend and I was heavily medicated. I knew that this therapist came into my home and wrote down my credit card information so he could pay back what he owed me, but this therapist dropped me off and never came again. I don't know what to do."," Do you want this therapist to have your credit card information? If not, then cancel the credit cards that you believe may now be accessible to this therapist. Therapists are expected to keep very clear boundaries between the therapy work and not have other relationships, such as ""friend"" or ""money lender"" with someone who is their patient. Therapists are never ""friends"" with their patients. Letting you believe that you are the therapist's friend, is a violation of professional ethics and almost definitely, a violation of the Consumer Protection laws in your State. Start by dropping this person as your therapist.  He has broken too many ethical standards to be worthy of offering therapy. Think over if you'd like remaining friends with this person, whom you describe as lacking integrity and stealing from you. If you need help getting back money from him, then contact the police and talk to a detective about what has happened so far.  The detective will advise according to the laws in your community and State, whether to file a police report, and what steps are necessary to utilize the Court system to get back your funds. If you'd like doing future patients who may be treated to similar ways by this therapist, a favor, go online and file a complaint with the therapist's Licensing Board. Good luck! " +"I found messages between my boyfriend and this girl on social media. He was asking her for naked pictures and then hung out with her once, but nothing happened. I didn't find out about the messages until last month and that was six months after it happened. I can't trust him anymore and I'm just wondering if I ever will. He admitted that he wanted to have intercourse with her but he didn't. He was only talking with her because he thought we were going to have a break up. My heart is completely broken. I feel like I'm in competition with every girl on the planet for my boyfriend's affection. I'm afraid that he doesn't like me anymore, but without me he's homeless and without a car. I love him so much. It's been tearing me apart. I don't feel pretty anymore though. I don't feel good enough for anyone or anything. I thought I knew him as well as I knew myself. Then all of a sudden my world was flipped upside down. I'm still trying to figure out which way is up."," I'm sorry for so much stress in your relationship life. In what ways does your boyfriend express his commitment and positive feelings about you, to you? From what you write, you feel more aggravation, stress, loneliness and insecurity, than satisfaction by being in this relationship. Does he care that you don't trust him? Very often people stay in relationships from fear of knowing who they really are.  The feeling is of needing a partner in a way that is similar to how a fearful child needs staying nearby a parent. My suggestion is to think over how much your sense of need for a partner, may be preventing you from actually seeing the amount of love and investment in your relationship, your boyfriend actually has. These realizations are sometimes painful and frightening to understand, especially if you grew up in a family that largely ignored or didn't adequately nurture you as a child. A therapist for your Self may be a good investment of time and cost in giving yourself a safe and trustworthy space to think deeply about your best interest. " +"In 2008 my former husband of 14 years walked away from my life and we've been separated ever since. We have always been together intercourseually and both have experienced sleeping with others. I stopped because I wanted my marriage to work out but he did not. If he stops sleeping with other women, can our marriage be saved? Or should we just part ways? I still care deeply about him after all that I did and he has done. But he is seeing someone else on and off for years now. Will our marriage still be saved if he decides that he wants to try to do so?"," Sorry to hear about the stress in your relationship.   There is definite value in being clear as you are, about your own emotional investment in your husband and that you expect intercourseual exclusivity from him as part of the foundation of your marriage. Also positive is your awareness that only your husband is the one who must similarly decide his own standards of being intercourseually exclusive to you, or not. Whether your marriage can be saved depends on what each person is willing to accept about the other one. Is sleeping with other women the only criterion of what will satisfy you about being together with your husband? Love and care are not enough to make a marriage work.  Partners need to be able to compromise and cooperate with each other.  That you care for him definitely intensifies any emotion you feel toward your husband.  It intensifies any frustration and sadness about the relationship too. Decide how much emotional sadness and hurt you're willing to tolerate and the reason you're willing to do so. From what you write, you are being very generous of yourself and not being reciprocated for this. If your husband doesn't start taking steps toward satisfying your wishes, this may be your time to question your own generosity in waiting for him to do so. " +"I was married to a narcissist sociopath for 10 years. During that time I was a general manager. I used to help him financially and in other ways when we were together. But things began to change. He emotionally and intercourseually drained me. I lost my spirit. I used to be a very happy person but now I am a loner. I left him and moved to another state. Currently, I'm working as a server which makes me believe less in myself. I feel pity for myself a lot but don't know what to do. When I have money problems, he does not help me. He actually enjoys seeing me have a hard time in my life. I need help."," Congratulations on leaving your marriage! It is ok and natural to feel sadness, loss, uncertainty in direction, hurt, resulting from ending the marriage. Possibly what you consider ""pity"" is a combination of these feelings. Be kind and caring toward who you are since you just put yourself through a major separation and need time to clear out the old emotions that connected you to your ex. There is very, very little chance of him helping you since he lacks compassion and empathy. More likely any help he gave would be in order to manipulate you. Maybe for now your server job is ok do you have more time to concentrate on taking care of your emotions. You were a manager once, you can be a manager again when you feel ready for doing so. Good luck! " +"I have been diagnosed with ADHD and experienced manic depression episodes. I have problems with anger management. Apparently, I also have an ODD, bipolar and split personality. How can I be truly happy?"," The ADHD and manic depressive episodes are terms other people told you that you have. You don't have to accept these words to describe who you are. A lot of mental health in our country is about telling people what's wrong with them and giving pills for these so called conditions, instead of helping a person know more about themselves in order to make good decisions. You can be happy because nothing from the outside, such as the names people have used to tell you who you are, can interfere with your own wish to be happy. Others can slow you down because of the self-doubt and hurt feelings.  No one can take happiness from you, only they can make it harder to find and hold onto. Anger management only works temporarily because it is a surface approach. Think of the reason you are angry.  This will be better to know so you will be able to address it. Then you will not have anger to manage. " +"My therapist is gay so there are no intercourseual issues here. However, my therapist for six years has made me believe that he cares about me and that we are friends. I have loaned money to him many times, and he always paid me back. + +I had a medical emergency last weekend and I was heavily medicated. I knew that this therapist came into my home and wrote down my credit card information so he could pay back what he owed me, but this therapist dropped me off and never came again. I don't know what to do."," I'm sorry to hear that this has happened. Counselors are legally and ethically required to make sure that they always put the wellbeing of their clients above their own interests. In addition, counselor ethical rules, and the laws in just about every state, make it illegal for counselors to take advantage of a client financially. A counselor borrowing money from a client (even if the counselor pays it back) would usually be considered to be taking advantage of the client. There are a few options you have at this point if you can't (or don't want) to continue to try to contact him directly. You can file a complaint with your states' regulatory board and let them know what has happened.  An investigator will then look into the situation for you.  Another option would be for you to find a different counsleor who can provide you with an independent and netural point of view to help you figure out how you want to handle this situation.    " +"My boyfriend says I'm nuts. I need to get help because I get an overwhelming feeling that he is cheating on me. Whenever I try to talk with him about it, he always turns it around on me by telling me what I'm doing wrong. I know that accusing him does not help. When his whole demeanor shifts towards me, I can't help but think that something is wrong. Am I wrong for feeling this way? I try to talk with him to make it better. I let him know when I am feeling down. But I am not confident in these things. +Two weeks ago a girl texted his phone 3 times trying to hook up with him. He texted her back with ""Sorry, I've been working. I just read your message."" The girl was trying to get him to call her at a time when he was at home with me. He texted her back with ""Don't text me anymore."" I don't feel like I am way out of the line. But I can't talk with him if all that he will say is that I'm crazy and I need help. What should I do? How will I go about checking if there really is something wrong with me?"," Trust your intuition that your boyfriend is involved with other people. You gave examples which strongly suggest this. Quite commonly, a person twist someone's words to convince then of having problems in seeing or understanding their own and other's behavior. Your intuition is again working quite well in telling you that your problem is having a boyfriend who manipulates you, not that you're seeing things incorrectly. One way to check if you're totally misreading him, is to examine whether you feel similarly in other relationships. If no one else who knows you tells you that you're crazy, then this strongly points to your boyfriend twisting words so that you feel wrong. Also, a consult with a therapist would clarify the dynamics between you and your boyfriend. A therapist session would also allow you to think out loud in a confidential discussion, what to do with your newfound clarity! " +"I am having a problem with extended family members who are inappropriately urinating in my home. They are peeing in cat litter boxes, bottles, and directly on floors and in corners of my house. +Is there any literature that supports why such adults would behave this way? This is not a joke. I am trying to understand."," Hi,  This sounds like a very challenging and upsetting problem - good for you for reaching out! My first thought is, these two adults may have a sleep disorder that could be contributing to the urination in inappropriate places. Since they are adults, and you can't force them to seek treatment,  you might be able to suggest that there could be an underlying medical issue and advise they speak with a medical provider. . As far as what to do for yourself - set some firm boundaries. Be clear about the expectations of your home. Also include the positive and negative consequences should they decide to address or avoid this issue. I hope this helps you, your family members, and the pets! " +"Tonight, my husband seemed to put our son down through an incorrect approach. His approach was perfectly wrong. I found myself defending my son. I told him that what he did was not the way to encourage our son. +Instead of watching my husband's harsh behavior I decided to sit beside my son and, together, we worked on his science assignment in order to encourage him to study. My husband got upset and he was swearing at me. He threatened me. I knew that he was not joking. His words scared me a lot!"," I have had these many cases, but in situations like this.... If it does get out of hand, the police do need to be involved. Sit down and talk to your husband when he is calm and collective.  " +"How do I ever trust another woman? I have found myself constantly reading between the lines with every other woman that I meet. I am having a difficult time making any sort of connection to anyone because of her deception and willingness to say and do literally anything in order to control my emotions. +Once the ""relationship"" was over, she became extremely abusive and has attempted to intimidate me into silence regarding the many false claims made on her immigration application."," I'm sorry to hear about being taken advantage of by your former wife. On the positive side, think of how much you learned by going through this very painful time. Maybe you are naturally very generous and caring, to the point of expecting very little from the other person, for example. Consider yourself in a favorable position to not feel like going out right now and meeting a new person.    Your spirit is guiding you to stay put and recuperate from this ordeal, review for any signs you may have been more trusting than merited by the person's behavior. There's a natural flow to what we're able to handle and when we have renewed capacity for new adventures. There's no reason to assume that you'll never trust another woman again.   The first step is re-building trust in yourself to step into a new relationship.   There is no designated time line.  You'll simply feel more ready than you feel now. Very unlikely that you'd ever place yourself in a similar situation to the one you're currently recovering from. Good luck! " +"I am currently living in a hotel and I don't have a family. I met a guy a month ago. He is a biintercourseual. He has a lot of gay friends on social networking sites. He would not help pay for the room. When I asked for the TV remote control, he threw it elsewhere and asked me to get it. I slapped him and asked him to leave my room. We recently just got back together. One time I was sick. He came to visit and feed me but left no money. Then he texts me and brags about his house and car knowing that I have struggles living at a hotel. He says that he has a whole house where he can put me in and orders me to text him whenever I need someone to have intercourse with. He left his bath soap so he could come and get it. I think that he is trying to find a way to come back. Please help me. What's going on? I am a good, loyal woman. Why is he treating me like this?"," I am less concerned about this man as biintercourseual and having gay friends, than about how you feel is treating you.  You are in a vulnerable position because of social isolation.  If you have friends to talk to, please reach out.  While this man has money, it is not his job to take care of you financially unless the two of you have decided that together.  It sounds like he sometimes cares for you and other times you feel disrespected.  I would suggest you look for a man that is consistent in his love and care.  This is not your fault.  But you are in control of removing him from you life or choosing not to because he meets some of your needs.  Take care.  " +"I'm a senior high school student. I'm also five months pregnant. I got pregnant by my boyfriend of three years. My parents don't want us to communicate with each other. He can't even come to visit my gynecologist. My mom goes to attend all of my doctor's appointments. She's supportive of me. I wish, though, that my boyfriend was next to me and be able to see his daughter on a sonogram, at the very least. My family does not understand that he deserves that much. I cry all the time because I feel lost and hopeless. +I need guidance and I believe that you can give it to me. Am I wrong for wanting him around? Are they right for keeping him away from the appointments and not letting us communicate with each other even though we are the parents? I do everything that they ask of me. I just want him to be around. When I ask my parents to let him be here, they call me a selfish person. Please help me."," You're not wrong for wanting to be with your boyfriend of three years who is also the biological father of your child. Do your parents object to you and your boyfriend continuing to see each other in person?  Or, do they object only to electronic communication and don't want him involved in his child's life?  Ask your parents what their reason is for forbidding you to communicate with your boyfriend.  Ask them also to understand your point of view. Now is also a good time for you and your boyfriend to plan whether and where you will live as a family and how to financially and emotionally support one another once your baby is born. Your mom and dad are definitely making fatherhood difficult for your boyfriend and motherhood stressful for you. Consider bringing up the topic during your next obgyn visit.  Your doctor may ask your mom to explain her reasons and address these. Look online for women's resources to see if there are clinics or agencies that would help you advocate for your position in this matter. Good luck with the remainder of your pregnancy, labor and delivery! " +I have always wanted to have a transition from male to female for some time now. This issue has persisted for 10 years already but I don't know where to start. I do not have the soundest information either., Wonderful!  I am so excited for you.  What a huge decision.  I am writing from Toronto Canada so it is hard for me to direct you specifically.  I would start with two things 1) Find a doctor that is comfortable perscribing hormones and 2) find a Counsellor or Therapist that is transgender specialized.  They will know how transitioning works in your health care system and other supports as well.  Google is a wonderful way to find these resources.   I wish you well. Thanks for writing! +How do I stop those thoughts?," The thoughts you are having are just thoughts.  Not actions.  It is your choice whether you act on these thoughts.  If you decide to explore having intercourse with adults of different genders that is great.  If you find yourself obsessed with intercourseual thoughts, you may want to see a cognitive-behavioural therapist.  Take care.  " +I feel like I would be more comfortable as a girl even though I still like girls. I think I'm like a girl stuck in a guy body. I imagine myself as a girl too. I think this more because my friends say that if I was a girl I would be a hot looking one. And I don't care about having boobs or anything. I just feel like the way that I do act will make more sense if I was a girl., Gender is personal thing.  There is not just boy and girl.  It is ok to be a boy and feel feminine and date women.  It is also ok to be a transgendered women and date women.  Have fun with it and feel it out.  What is right for you?  +"I've never been able to talk with my parents. My parents are in their sixties while I am a teenager. I love both of them but not their personalities. I feel that they do not take me seriously whenever I talk about a serious event in my life. If my dad doesn't believe me, then my mom goes along with my dad and acts like she doesn't believe me either. I'm a panintercourseual, but I can't trust my own parents. +I've fought depression and won; however, stress and anxiety are killing me. I feel that my friends don't listen to me. I know they have their own problems, which I do my best to help with. But they don't always try to help me with mine, when I really need them. I feel as if my childhood has been taken from me. I feel as if I have no one whom I can trust."," First of all, I am sorry that you have been missing out on your childhood. It may help you to know that many of us feel that we have missed out on our childhoods, as well, and that despite such deprivations, for many of us, our adult lives have been extraordinarily fulfilling due to our opening up to trusted adults. I recommend that you find a trustworthy adult to talk to. This may be a teacher, a coach, a school counselor, a minister, a family member, or a friend's family member. If none of these are available, try out a professional counselor, social worker, psychiatric nurse practitioner, psychologist, or a psychiatrist. It is best to get a referral for such a professional from a peer who has had a positive and safe experience with a particular provider. " +"I'm going through a divorce with my wife of three years, who I've known since the 4th grade and been involved with for seven years! We just had a baby seven months ago and never got along with my mother, who I've lived with for years. I am now back with my mother because I have nowhere to go with this divorce looming. I'm heart broken because I fell into a depression, I haven't seen my child in a while, I'm having good and bad dreams, and I feel hated. Can you help? Can you intervene? Can I speak with someone?"," It's hard to accept the end of a marriage when it's not your choice; you feel powerless, abandoned and unwanted. Your wife has the right to decide not to be in a marriage with you, and a therapist can help you accept and move through this change that has broken your heart and left you lost. You don't indicate why you haven't seen your child, and you may want to consult with a lawyer about the laws in your area and how to gain access to your baby. Therapists don't intervene in these ways. The marriage may be ending, but your role as a loving father is only beginning.  You can focus on giving your child the gift of two parents who respect each other. " +"I been having anger problems a lot lately. It only takes one word wrongly said to set me off. I use to not be like this until I got with my soon-to-be husband. I think his mood and rage/anger problems have rubbed off on me a lot. I don't get nearly as bad as he does, but I yell almost constantly and I can't seem to just stop. I have two young babies that have to hear this, and I don't want my girls growing up with a mommy like I have been lately. I just don't know how to get back to my old self."," My gut says that your own rage is being triggered partly because you feel trapped or shutdown by your fiance's moody/angry/rage responses and powerless to stop it. You can start by accepting that this is who he is and you won't change him. You can only change your own behaviours, and I see you taking responsibility for those, which is great. You want to protect your girls, and that's appropriate; children are greatly affected by this type of home environment. I urge you to see a therapist so you can understand your own emotions and sort out the choices you have to make, knowing that your fiance has to make his own choices about his behaviours.  " +"I have been with my boyfriend for more than a year. He recently got a new job and travels a lot. I'm not used to him being gone all the time. I feel as though he has forgotten about me because he does not talk with me as much and doesn't keep me up to date on everything that he does throughout the day, which he used to. +I feel lost, sad and unwanted. This is really a tough new challenge. I just want to break up with him, but I love him so much. I don't know why he is acting this way lately. I believe I have separation anxiety. Is there anything that I can do to help me cope with this while he is out of town?"," In a way, yes, you have separation anxiety. It's normal in a relationship for us to slow down a bit with the attachment behaviours that establish and deepen love and connection. So, just because your boyfriend isn't talking as much or keeping you up-to-date doesn't necessarily mean what you fear it means...that he's forgotten about you or loves you less. It could mean quite the opposite...that he's focused on being successful in his new job and impressing you. He may think he's loving you more, but you feel loved less. You have two jobs to do here. The first is to manage your anxiety by ""talking back"" to the thoughts it puts into your head. It sounds like ""It's normal to be insecure, but I have tons of evidence that he loves me and that I mean the world to him..."" Find that evidence that helps you refute what anxiety is trying to claim. The second part of your job is to let him know what you need. You need more affection and connection during this period when he's away (more texts, phone calls, information). It's okay to want that, and I am sure he will be relieved to know exactly what he can do to help you feel secure and calm when he's away.  " +"I'm a teenager. I get random spurts of anger, like complete, pure rage. I figured it was hormones, but others notice it too. I get self-destructive. I used to cut but stopped. Now when I get mad, I bite my arms and fingers, pull my hair, scratch my face, or punch my thighs. Basically, I do things I can hide instead of breaking anything in my room and having to explain it to my mom. I don't live in a bad household. I have a great family, a great relationship with my boyfriend, and a good job. I have no idea what this is and I don't know how to control it. It's over any little thing. Tonight, it was because I couldn't get my earrings out. This happens maybe two to three times on a good week, and it's always over stupid, petty things."," Hi. I'm glad you wrote. In general, when a small thing bothers us (and this happens to all of us), it's because the small thing triggers an emotion in us that we have felt ""too much"" or ""too intensely"" in the past, and we don't know how to manage that emotion effectively...we just want to avoid it as quickly as possible. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy with a qualified therapist can help you to understand what is being triggered in you and learn how to manage emotions productively. You say that your behaviours are self destructive, and I agree. It sounds like you have developed a habit of channelling your distress towards self-harm, and this is a separate and potentially more serious problem. This is a choice you make that points to shame being an issue for you. Again, a good therapist can help you learn what's behind your shame and self-harm. Your feelings are normal, and you can learn more healthy ways to deal with them with qualified help.  " +"He said he would try and he never did. It's been nine months, and this is making me worse. Today, he said I have to respect whatever decision he makes. Is that true? Am I supposed to respect the decision to leave because he can't handle what I'm going through and leaves me here crying and worried every night? He's constantly changing his mind on if he wants to work it out."," I'm sorry for the hurt you're feeling from your husband's decision. Keep in mind that if one partner does not want to be in a relationship and remains in it, then both people will be unhappy, dissatisfied and feel stressed. Imagine being in a relationship that you'd rather leave. All the negative feelings and resentment of being with someone whom you'd rather be without, would not leave very much energy to satisfy your partner. I'm glad you realize that you feel depressed. Depression is a mood that can change once you understand what is causing it. Depression is an area that very often therapists help their patients understand, and emotionally support and encourage them during the course this takes. For now, concentrate on decreasing the tension in your life.  Your husband's indecision may very well be adding to your stress. Only he can make up his own mind. As hard as this may be, all you really can do is take care of how you feel so that you will feel better. From what you write, your husband is too unsure to offer you the love and care you'd like from him. Learning to love oneself is always worthwhile.   At this stage in your marriage, now sounds like an ideal opportunity for you to teach yourself self-love. " +"My new daughter-in-law just informed me that she is smoking marijuana while pregnant because of her morning sickness. I'm in shock and I don't know how to respond. I just lost my mom, and she was good with advice."," Have you reached your own conclusions and reasons for these, regarding the topic?    When you feel confident in your own reasons for your conclusions, then obviously ask your daughter in law for some time together and tell her what you think and your reasons for opinions. Plan for this meeting according to the type of relationship you have with your daughter in law. Since your son will also be affected by the prenatal conditions of his child, he may also be interested in being part of this conversation. Also, during your discussion, find out the exact ways the morning sickness affects your daughter in law. It is possible that scheduling adjustments in routines can be made so your daughter has more time to rest or fewer responsibilities for a while until she feels better. Maybe you and other family members can lighten her daily routines so she has more time for herself to manage her morning sickness in a less risky way. Sending Good luck! " +"Current medications are: topamax, ativan, brintellix, lamictal, restoril, abilify, tx: long term dbt, cbt","The general prognosis for anyone is good, so long as they have faith in their own ability to find the goodness in life. From what you write, the professionals may have so much focus on the drugs they give you, that they have forgotten that you are a human being who has interests, opinions, feelings and thoughts. The list of drugs you write sounds too long for anyone to reasonably need. My best suggestion is to find a therapist who does talk therapy, not drug therapy. Discussing your fears and anxieties in a protected, professional, confidential space, sounds like the first step to helping you believer your own conclusion about your well-being. Taking a lot of drugs creates self-doubt and weakens the sense of self that people naturally have. My wish for your future is to regain trust and confidence in yourself as a person, not a diagnosis who is told to take a lot of pills. " +"He said he would try and he never did. It's been nine months, and this is making me worse. Today, he said I have to respect whatever decision he makes. Is that true? Am I supposed to respect the decision to leave because he can't handle what I'm going through and leaves me here crying and worried every night? He's constantly changing his mind on if he wants to work it out."," Wow that is tough. There is nothing worse than fearing abandonment when you are already struggling with depression. It sounds like you are still wanting to work through whatever challenges you and your husband are having but your husband may not be on the same page. I would encourage you and your husband to seek professional support if you haven't already. While depression can put real strains on a relationship, relationship problems can lead to or contribute to depression and there may be some real benefits to both of you in doing some couple therapy. With that being said - if your husband is not willing to do therapy or is clear that he wants the relationship to end, then I can't see what choice you have but to ""respect his decision"" as you mentioned. This doesn't mean that you have to feel okay with the decision - as I'm sure you wouldn't - but ultimately loving one another and staying in committed relationships is a choice that we each have to make. If he is wanting to leave - this could make things a lot tougher for you. I would encourage you to seek professional support for yourself and reach out to lots of friends and family. You do not need to face depression alone - nor should you have to. We all need support at tough times like these.  " +"I've been hospitalized twice. Once was last month for psychiatric help. I'm on medicine, but I'm struggling with fighting the negative thoughts, irrational fears, and loneliness. The people around me aren't helping much."," If you are someone who usually has a job, pays or contributes to household bills, and generally manages your own daily life, then here are some suggestions. Start with small changes in your life so that you will feel successful in developing little areas of personal happiness. Since the people whom you currently are in your life ""aren't helping much"", consider branching out your life so that you are with those with whom you do feel help you. Follow your natural interests.  If you like reading, look online for a local book club.   If you like watching birds, look up a bird watching group. Social isolation increases the intensity of negative feelings. Also, the way healthcare is set up in the US, psychiatrists spend 15 minutes asking a person questions and then giving them a pill script.    There is almost no human interest in the person. If you'd like feeling better as a person, then find people.   Relying only on our mental health system will keep you feeling low and unsteady. If your life is a little more sheltered and you are in a group home setting or your basic needs are taken care of by someone or some organization, then similar advice is still valid. Find and participate in whatever human settings which appeal to you and are available on a somewhat regular basis. " +"I find myself being very outgoing most of the time, but there are some times when I don't know what to say. I don't even want to talk at all. It's like, I search for the right thing to say and nothing ever comes out. I don't know if I'm outgoing only to fill the void of not knowing what to say. I don't know if people like that about me. I'm very self-conscious and always think people are talking about me, so it makes me have a cold shoulder and not want to talk."," Would you feel more secure in conversations if instead of talking soon after meeting someone or entering a social situation, you simply listened attentively to the other people? This way you'd have a more secure idea of what topics the group likes talking about and whether you like talking about these topics as well. Maybe you simply are in groups or situations in which you don't care for the people or focus. Start by trusting your own evaluation of your true interest in being among the groups in which you are. Maybe you simply need new and different groups. " +I am going through a very hard time and I'm so depressed. My parents are getting a divorce and a lot of bad things are happening. I want to lull myself.," Consider yourself quite normal for feeling overwhelmed and depressed about your parents divorce.   This is the most natural way to feel at this time. Depending on how old you are, and whether you live under their roof,  are dependent on their support, and are either part of the decision or not, of with whom and where you will live, start considering these points. How did you find out about the upcoming divorce? Are either of your parents reluctant to answer your questions or is it clear that neither of them want to talk about anything with you? Whatever your fears and questions about your own future, these are all real.  It is necessary for you to know about your basic future. If you are living on your own and the main problem is your inner adjustment that your family structure is completely changing, then probably a good therapist would be a great help to you now, to clarify these tensions. Sending lots of good wishes for an easy resolution to your new path! " +"I was raped repeatedly when I was younger. I told my parents and action was taken, but now that I'm an adult, I suffer from extreme anxiety."," It's not unusual for traumatic experiences that happened when we were younger to stay with us when we get older.  Traumatic experiences can become embedded in our bodies, as well as in our emotions.  If the issue doesn't get a chance to get resolved within, then external action doesn't necessarily take care of the problem.  Seek out a qualified trauma therapist so you can start to deal with the issues you're grappling with. " +"My toddler is having a real hard time with toilet training. He almost throws up every time he sees his poop. He gags and will not go on the toilet. We have tried a toilet chair and ring that goes on the big-boy toilet, but he refuses to use it. When he sits on the toilet, he just sits there forever and only will pee. He holds the poop in until he get up and then will poop in his diaper. I dump his diaper in the toilet and let him know that it is where it goes to try to encourage him. How can I help him get over this fear and passed the stress?"," Your son is showing signs that he's just not ready to be toilet trained. You don't say how old he is, so I'm not sure whether the problem is deeper, but right his fears may reflect that right now he is simply be not ready to take that step. Pushing him at this point could worsen the problem, so I suggest pulling back the expectations, waiting a month or two, looking for more signs of readiness and trying again. In general, teaching children to use the toilet works best when ""mistakes"" are handled calmly and when parents pay close attention to cues that the child is responding positively.  " +"I was raped repeatedly when I was younger. I told my parents and action was taken, but now that I'm an adult, I suffer from extreme anxiety."," Hi. Even though (thankfully) your parents responded well to you telling them, and you received treatment, it's possible, and very normal for intercourseual abuse trauma to affect you in different ways as you age and develop. Please see a therapist, who can help you find the root of the anxiety. " +"I was raped by multiple men, and now I can't stand the sight of myself. I wear lingerie to get my self excited enough to have intercourse with my wife."," I'm sorry for your being taken advantage of and for all the negative feelings created by being exploited. If you have not already explained to your wife about what caused your great distress, then please consider doing this.   A conversation that happens in a safe relationship, will give her a chance of being supportive to you.  And, the discussion may relieve some of the bad feelings toward yourself which you currently feel. In its most positive light, you and your wife can build a new intercourse life based on the loving foundation you develop from talking with one another in this deeper way. It will certainly distinguish your love based intercourse life with your wife, from intercourse as a violation of your body by other people. There are also behavior therapists who would set a program of building tolerance for intercourse as part of your usual life. These programs usually work for a short while only, unless the person also clears out the deeper levels of fear and hurt from being victimized. Good luck in progressing to feeling that your intercourse drive is back! " +"My husband and I would've been married for five years come June 2016. Our infant daughter just had her birthday. Shortly before, he told me he wanted a divorce. He has four other children, three of which are from his first wife. He decided to end that marriage when his youngest was an infant. The children do not have a good relationship with him now. He has another child from a woman he was dating. He decided he didn't want to be with her anymore when the child was an infant. + +It seems to me that there is a pattern. He easily detaches from relationships at the same time in the child's life but wants a relationship with them when they are older. I've tried to research online, but I'm not getting any answers. He also has an unhealthy dependency on alcohol and does not believe in mental health disorders such as depression and bi-polar disorder. He also does not believe in therapy or seeking help from professionals. Is there a detachment disorder or some form of mental block he could have? Where do you recommend researching this?","This sounds really difficult and I can understand your motivation to get to bottom of why this behaviour has occurred - especially if your husband (who sounds like he is an ex-husband?) continues to have a relationship with you and your children. With that being said - relationships and mental health are very complicated and you are unlikely to find the answers you are looking for. In order for someone to be diagnosed with a mental illness or in order for them to identify what leads them to fall into particular patterns in relationship - they would need to be willing to seek help and honestly talk about their challenges, something that you say your ex is not willing to do.  While it might be a relief to understand what is going on with him - it might be more comforting for you to get support for yourself in processing your feelings and everything that has come up for you as a result of his choices. " +"I was raped repeatedly when I was younger. I told my parents and action was taken, but now that I'm an adult, I suffer from extreme anxiety."," While anxiety can come about for many reasons, trauma is definitely one of the factors that makes anxiety a possibility both immediately following a traumatic event and later in life. When we have experienced such scary violations of our bodies - we may experience residual effects of fear for many years to come. This is normal, natural and in many ways helpful - at least initially. This fear is in some way a sign that your body/mind is taking good care of you - trying to keep you on your toes in order to protect you from anything terrible happening to you again. However, as it sounds like you know, anxiety feels awful and there are certainly ways of learning to reduce anxiety. In order to get the tools you need to manage anxiety and also understand where it comes from and how it works in your life, I would encourage you to seek professional help and check out anxiety resources online.   " +"I don't love my sister. I would never wish her harm, but if I could, I would wish for us not to be related. Is this cruel? Why must blood mean we have to be friends? Am I being unreasonable and is there a way to fix this? I do care about her, like I do every human being, but I'd rather be with my friends than be with her at all. It's not just a ""teenager phase."" I still love my mom and dad, and I'm very close to them. However, it's my sister I don't love or have ever really liked at all."," Not liking someone is not cruel - even if it is a family member. There is nothing wrong with you for not liking your sister. Some people are fortunate to have siblings that they get along with really well, other don't. We all have different personalities and we are not going to like everyone - even if they are related. In fact, sometimes being related makes it harder because you know all of each other's flaws and imperfections. With that being said - it may be worth it to make an effort to talk about the things that get in the way of having the kind of relationship that you might ideally want with your sister. Sometimes it is hard to like someone if we have a lot of old frustration and resentment and being able to talk about it in a constructive and kind way can lead to more understanding and respect, and sometimes actually liking each other.  " +"Sometimes I can't stop thinking about life after death. I was raised in a religion that teaches that we will live on forever either in hell or in heaven. +When I think of living forever (even if it is in heaven which should be good), I feel overwhelmed. I don't like the thought of living forever and ever and ever. Sometimes I just can't get the thought out of my mind and the thoughts lead to panic and anxiety. +Am I crazy? I don't think these thoughts are normal."," You might be surprised how normal you are. Anxiety is incredibly common and while your particular type of existential anxiety might be unique to you - it is very difficult for most people to really comprehend what happens after we die - regardless of the religious or philosophical belief systems we hold. It is the ultimate unknown and some philosophers and psychologists believe that at the root of our day-to-day anxieties is the fear of death or fear of the unknown.  Just as it can be really hard to comprehend the ending of life it can also be hard to comprehend an eternal existence. What these both have in common is that we are imaging a future that is ultimately unknowable and this unknown can provoke a lot of anxiety.  Mindfulness based practices like meditation - maybe there is something like this in your religious tradition - can be very helpful in making peace with the unknown in the present moment. The more we can learn to live in the moment - the less we get hung up on anticipating outcomes for our lives that may never come true. Mindfulness practices can help you ground, be where you are , relax and regulate your nervous system so that you are able sleep and recuperate, and train your attention to focus on living the life you want to live now - rather than worrying about what happens after you die.  Having said all that - it can be profoundly helpful to speak with someone about your anxiety - especially when you feel haunted by it, worry that you are crazy and can't get to sleep. There are lots of good therapists out there who can help you with your anxiety.  " +"I was raped by multiple men, and now I can't stand the sight of myself. I wear lingerie to get my self excited enough to have intercourse with my wife."," I am very sorry to hear about your rapes.  Traumatic events, such as rape, can have some lasting effects.  Issues with intercourse drive are one of these effects.  Therapy can help to decrease the impact that traumatic events have upon our lives as we process through some of our experiences.   EMDR can be a particularly effective modality of treatment to address this issues.   I would also encourage you to have an honest conversation with your wife about this concern.  Sometimes it is helpful to have that conversation with a therapist so that the therapist can help educate  your wife in regards to effects of trauma.  This may help her understand that your feelings are more about the trauma and less about her as a person.   Best of luck to you!   " +"I was raped by multiple men, and now I can't stand the sight of myself. I wear lingerie to get my self excited enough to have intercourse with my wife."," Hello Utah, thank you for writing with your question. intercourseual assault or intercourseual abuse is a very traumatic event that affects victims in many ways. Your difficulty in feeling intercourseually engaged and your description of the shame and self-loathing you feel are normal responses to the rapes you experienced. A good therapist can help you to process your traumas and understand that you did nothing wrong to cause the rapes; the shame is not yours. It takes a very patient and loving partner, but you can make progress towards a healthier intercourseual relationship with your wife. These are issues that I cannot address more fully here other than to recommend that you seek the assistance of a qualified professional.  " +"My boyfriend's sneaky and puts his friends before me. He fights just to leave. One day, he's happy. The next, he's mean and blames me for everything. He can't admit faults. He thinks he's perfect and does no wrong."," Hi, Ontario. I live in the other Ontario; in Canada. I'll try to help you sort this out. You have a long list of complaints about your boyfriend! It sounds like he's maybe a bit immature and moody, and these things affect you, for sure. I get it. It's got me curious, and if I was working with you, I'd want to know a lot more about how long you've been together and what's actually working well between you two. I would also ask a lot of questions about the details of your description. What tells you he's 'sneaky'? Does he lie? How do you know he lies to you? Also, are you wanting to make things better with him, do you just want an ear to vent to, are you looking for validation, or do you hope someone will help you wake up to an unhappy situation?  It helps me if I know what you want. Whenever I meet someone who has a lot of complaints about their partner or boyfriend, I encourage them first to look at the language they're using. Some of your words tell me that you think you know what he's thinking (that he wants to fight so he can leave, that he thinks he's perfect). It's always tricky when we assume what someone's thinking, and in an argument or dialogue, these kinds of statements tend to lead to defensiveness and an escalated argument. I'd encourage you to focus on his actual behaviours and how they affect you, rather than the motives or beliefs you think are behind the behaviours (because you really can't know what he's thinking unless he tells you). As a general rule, the ""When you do X, I feel Y"" sentence goes far in helping others understand what we feel. So, it's fair to say ""when you lie to me, I can't trust you"", or ""when you end our date early to hang with your friends I feel like I'm not important to you"", or ""your mood swings are difficult for me"", or ""I don't seem to get apologies from you"". Try to focus on his actual behaviour when you talk to him about this stuff. A relationship counsellor can help you each understand the other better beyond the surface behaviours if you want to improve the relationship. That said, I have to ask...if you haven't been with Mr. Not So Great for very long, is it maybe time to rethink the relationship? Unless there is a balance of really loving and positive behaviours that you're leaving out, you don't seem happy. A good therapist can help you understand why you are stuck in an unhappy relationship, if that is what's happening.  There's a lot to sort out here...how to communicate about your needs, how to know when to call it quits if something doesn't feel good... I wish you the best as you continue to examine these questions with assistance from friends or professionals. " +"I don't love my sister. I would never wish her harm, but if I could, I would wish for us not to be related. Is this cruel? Why must blood mean we have to be friends? Am I being unreasonable and is there a way to fix this? I do care about her, like I do every human being, but I'd rather be with my friends than be with her at all. It's not just a ""teenager phase."" I still love my mom and dad, and I'm very close to them. However, it's my sister I don't love or have ever really liked at all."," Hi. My guess is there's a lot of deep history here that I don't know about. Have you felt hurt by your sister in the past, or are you just 'different people'? It's a common feeling people have about siblings; that they're very different and they wouldn't choose them as friends, but most people stay connected to family unless there's a good reason not to. We don't choose our family, do we? Your feelings are normal and they don't make you cruel. If you were mean to her, that might be a different thing. It might be considered cruel to cut her out of your life for no reason, but choosing to not hang out with her a lot isn't cruel, in my mind. Perhaps you at least owe your sister kindness and respect (if she respects you), but not necessarily friendship.  How you respond here is up to you; there are no rules. You get to decide how much 'family' means to you and how much time you spend with friends or family. This may shift at different times in your life though. Cutting all ties with a sister now (you haven't said you want that though) might mean she won't want to be there for you in the future when you need her. Also, how you treat your sister affects your other family members as well. There are many things to consider here, but the bottom line is that you get to surround yourself with the people you want in your life. " +"My ex-boyfriend, will not stop harassing and stalking me. We work together. I honestly think he needs help to move on. His accusations are angry lies. But I think he may believe them to be true."," The specific laws about this will vary from state to state.  Generally, the only way to ""force"" someone to get mental health care is if they pose an imminent theft of harm to themself or someone else, or if they are unable to care for themself.   More importantly, is dealing with your safety.  Most states have laws that make stalking a crime. You might want to think about filing a police report and obtaining a restraining order against him.   You could also think about contacting a local counselor. While you can't force him to get help with moving on from the relationship, counseling could help you to deal with what is going on. " +"My ex-boyfriend and I met over a year ago. We hit it off and fell in love pretty quick. However, he has trust issues and assumed I was cheating. When I found out I was pregnant, we had just broken up. Five months later, I lost the baby, and we did not speak for a few weeks. Now we are talking, and he says he loves me but is afraid I will hurt him ""again."" I just want to know where to go with this because I love him so much, and I want to get back to us being happy and a family."," I'm truly sorry to hear that your relationship is causing you such distress at this time.  When we are in relationships, trust is so integral to our satisfaction within the relationship.  Often, when we feel we are required to prove ourselves, feelings of resentment can replace those feelings of wanting to be supportive.   In situations like this, I often recommend being open and honest in your communication with your partner.  Your fears about his response are valid, as he made an assumption which you cannot disprove because you cannot battle against a shadow fact.  If you feel comfortable doing so, you can always ask him why he is so concerned you are unable to remain faithful and challenge those beliefs with the facts that disclaim them.  You can also ask your partner what it is that he needs from you to help you to help him trust in your responses.   In the end, these are issues that you cannot conquer for him - you can only guide him and show him the path towards trust.  You may suggest couples counselling or that he seek out a professional to talk to, as well.  But in terms of your question, only you can decide whether you feel you can remain in a relationship in which you defend yourself against an uncommitted offense.  " +"My ex-boyfriend and I met over a year ago. We hit it off and fell in love pretty quick. However, he has trust issues and assumed I was cheating. When I found out I was pregnant, we had just broken up. Five months later, I lost the baby, and we did not speak for a few weeks. Now we are talking, and he says he loves me but is afraid I will hurt him ""again."" I just want to know where to go with this because I love him so much, and I want to get back to us being happy and a family."," Trust is essential in romantic relationships and it is common to have trust issues - because the stakes are so high. If both of you are committed and willing to be fully honest with each other, trust can be repaired and become stronger than ever. I would encourage you to seek out professional help as it easy to get derailed by fear when trying to work things out in the absence of trust. When fear takes over - we tend to become defensive and act in ways that makes it harder to trust one another. In addition to getting professional support I would encourage you to learn more about building trust in relationships and deepening connection through accessing various online resources on relationships. " +"She treats me like I'm not in her presence. She's always yelling at me for no reason. She gives more respect to my brothers than me, but only my brothers fight her while I respect her."," Attention is not equal to love and being valued. It may be precisely because your brothers demand so much more your mom's attention through fighting with her that she pays more attention to them. It is a common situation in families where the ""squeaky wheel gets the grease"" and the siblings or family members who don't demand as much attention end up feeling invisible. It sucks to feel invisible and it is important that there is attention for you and that you know how much your mom loves and values you.  This sounds like an important conversation to have with your mom and if she is not able to really understand or help you address this concern you may want to suggest doing some family therapy where a skilled therapist can help you and your family work this out.  " +"After 25 years, I fell in love for the first time. The person acted for a week and left me without even saying goodbye. My heart is burning, and I can't take this pain."," Ouch. Losing someone you love hurts so much. We all long to be loved and to love and to have that experience and then lose it is awful. While it is easy to feel angry or start doubting yourself under these circumstances, I would encourage you to recognize the agony of what you are experiencing as an indication of how much you value loving relationships and how much you want to make this happen in your life. When we are going through this kind of loss it is really helpful to have the support of friends and family. While no one is going to be able to make it better, we don't have to be alone with our pain. If you are not comfortable with going to those in your life it may be a good time to see  a counsellor to help you cope with your distress and learn how to move past this and find the love that you are looking for.  " +I feel like I'm trying to convince myself that I'm okay when I'm not. I'm always blocking out the bad things and forgetting. I also feel like nobody cares for me and they never will. I feel truly alone.," As social creatures, we humans all long for deep human connection. To know that we belong and are part of something larger. It is so important to us that when we feel alone - it can feel almost unbearable. You are not alone in feeling alone. While it can take time to build deep relationships there are moments in each day where we have the opportunity to interact with other people who may also feel lonely and scared and want to be seen and acknowledged. I wonder what it might be like for you if you took on an experiment of trying to really see the people around you and make little attempts to acknowledge and connect with them - fellow humans on this journey of life. A ""good morning"" at the bus stop or really looking at the person who you buy your groceries from or thanking or complimenting someone for something that you notice and appreciate. While this is not a substitute for close relationships these moments of real connection with the people who we share our communities with can go a long way to realizing that we are not as alone as we may have thought.  " +"I am currently suffering from erectile dysfunction and have tried Viagra, Cialis, etc. Nothing seemed to work. My girlfriend of 3 years is very intercourseually frustrated. I told her that it is okay for her to have intercourse with other men. Is that really okay?"," Hi,  First and foremost, I want to acknowledge your efforts to gain (your) ideal erectile function. If the medications are not working and you have taken them as prescribed, I would encourage you to seek the help of a intercourse therapist as the dysfunction may be due to a psychological and/or relational issue rather than a physical/medical one.  As for your question, only you can answer this. Is it OK? Are you OK with her sleeping with others? Have you thought through what this may look like, feel like, become for you and her? Opening up a relationship is a choice only the people in the relationship can answer. Even then, the answer may change at any point by either of you.  I encourage you to also determine what the intention is underneath your telling your girlfriend she could sleep with others. Be clear with the intention and then together have continuous conversations about the expectations of opening up (i.e.: are there any kinds of intercourse that is off limits, areas of the body where touch or intimacy is not allowed, are uses of safer intercourse required or not, do you want to know the details or not, so forth). An excellent resource would be the book ""Opening Up"" by Tristan Taormino.  I wish you the best of luck! Dr. Lily Zehner, MFT-C " +"I am constantly having problems with the same two people who will always be in my life. I had a daughter with my ex-boyfriend. I am now married, and my husband's ex-girlfriend is involved with my ex-boyfriend. They also have a daughter together. My issue is that there is always drama. I am pregnant, and I told my ex-boyfriend that I don't want any drama or arguments. I want to get along as much as possible, and he agreed. However, we just had an incident where my ex-boyfriend started discussing drop-off details about my stepdaughter. I told him that he needed to ask my husband because I can't make decisions about my stepdaughter regarding the matter. That led to an argument. I told him all my concern is when I pick up my daughter. My stepdaughter's pick-up details are between my husband and his ex-girlfriend. I especially told him I didn't want to be involved. Somehow, he turned it around and then wanted to change the schedule we agreed on. He threatened me and got ugly because I wouldn't discuss my stepdaughter's matters with him. + +The point is there is so much drama. I try my best to get along with everyone. I don't understand where I went wrong (besides replying back to his question). I feel like I'm going crazy because this is a constant battle where everyone's frustrations are taken out on each other, and it's the children that are hurting. I had a party planned for my daughter's birthday, and my ex-boyfriend told me to cancel those plans because he wouldn't let me have her. In my eyes, it's the child that is hurting. I was throwing a party for her birthday, and because of the problem with stupid pick-up details about my stepdaughter, which I have no control over, he took it out on our daughter."," Hi. I appreciate your mature instincts and strong efforts to draw clear boundaries in this very complex situation. I agree that it sounds like the adult drama is unnecessary and potentially will affect the children. Children need adults around them to act maturely, cooperatively and peacefully even when they don't like each other; it helps them feel secure and lets them focus on learning and growing. Your ex-boyfriend seems more focused on his own needs. In fact, he demonstrates behaviours that are aggressive, controlling and manipulative, bordering on 'parental alienation'. I agree this is a problem. I also appreciate how protective you are of yourself at this vulnerable time with the pregnancy. It's not unusual for pregnancy to trigger a need to conserve energy and reduce stress. Honour this instinct you have.  I will suggest a few things to you. First, to gather support around you, professionally if you need it, from family and friends, and certainly from your husband. If you two are on the same page regarding the children issues and your ex, that will help. He can help run interference when it comes to his daughter. It will help you feel supported. Know that your ex's behaviours aren't happening because you did anything wrong; it's the way he operates (and maybe this is why you're not with him?). You can't change him, but you can stop blaming yourself for his immaturity and aggression. You're correct that he will always be there, and you can both accept this fact and also find ways to manage the situation. Keep on defining clear boundaries! You might sound like a broken record (""You'll have to talk to my husband about that""), but that's okay. It's okay to ignore his efforts to pull you into an argument or power struggle. It's okay to not respond to texts or other communications that aren't vitally important. It's okay to not let him into your house if it makes you uncomfortable. It's okay to not engage with him more than is necessary. Regarding his manipulative behaviours that reflect a tendency to keep your daughter from you, I recommend you document these behaviours and incidents carefully and fully. Let him know what your expectations are, simply and clearly and in writing (""our agreement states X, and you are not following our agreement""). Your daughter doesn't have to be aware; I think you already understand that she needs to be protected from the adult conflict. A professional therapist can help you with all of this. I hope this helps get you started towards greater peace, at least within yourself. :) " +"After 25 years, I fell in love for the first time. The person acted for a week and left me without even saying goodbye. My heart is burning, and I can't take this pain."," Hi, San Diego. I'm sad that this was your first experience (in 25 years) with feeling in love. You deserve better. My understanding of today's (western?) social cultural norms is that it is somehow acceptable to abruptly stop communicating with someone you've been seeing, without explanation. I don't get it. It's rude. You're better off without this person around. There are still people who operate with respect, but this person isn't one of them. If I'm reading this right, you knew this person for a week? In my humble opinion, much heartache and many poor relationships come from attaching too soon. It takes years to get to know someone deeply. I know it's hard to keep yourself from falling in love, but you owe it to your heart to take these things more slowly, because everyone puts their best self forward at the beginning and it takes time for that to relax and for you to see who they are when times are tougher and real stuff happens. If I was your therapist, I'd be curious about how this is the first time you've fallen in love? Or is it that you were in love 25 years ago?  Was your heart broken then, or did something encourage your heart to close? What has kept you from either meeting people or letting yourself fall in love until now? Is there a danger that you will decide love isn't worth the risk? This is a crucial time for you to potentially seek professional support from a therapist in order to understand yourself and not shut down, if that's what happened before. :) " +"Every once and a while, I think about my ex-boyfriend from four years ago, and my current friend. It's like I can't get past it, and I need some kind of closure. I keep thinking about how we had something, but it got cut off due to parental intervention. Nothing was ever wrong with it. Now we've become friends, but there's this huge intercourseual tension between us, or at least I feel it when we're physically in the same place. + +Two summers ago, we saw each other casually for a while, but we never had intercourse then or while we were dating, which was only for two months three years ago. I'm now in my 20s, and my current boyfriend is amazing and in his 30s. Despite the age difference, I know we're a really good match. We've never really fought and are able to make compromises and talk everything out. I tell him everything. Also, my ex-boyfriend has a girlfriend now as well. He's been seeing her on and off for the past two and a half years, besides when they broke up and we had our casual thing. That summer, I told him I didn't want anything serious and broke it off. Only a week later, he had gotten back together with his girlfriend. His girlfriend is kind of mean spirited. I'm sure she may be different around him, but I worry about him committing to her in the long run. They're supposed to move in together soon. But still, I feel this connection with my ex-boyfriend, and I feel like he does too. + +I don't know what to do. I need some closure or I'm not going to be able to move on from this. I don't know what it is, but it's driving me crazy. I'm so happy with my current boyfriend, and I know he will do everything in his power to make my life beautiful and fulfilling. He's such a good person. I also know my ex-boyfriend smokes marijuana and does other things, but I can't get it out of my head. I'm trying to take a nap right now between classes, but I can't sleep because my mind is racing. I've never been so hung up on something for this long ever. + +I want to just talk it out with my ex-boyfriend, but I don't know if that's a good idea because of the possibility that it could blow up in my face. If he told his girlfriend, everything could go wrong because she hates me. If my current boyfriend knew, he would be crushed. On one hand, I want my ex-boyfriend to say no to having feelings for me, but I would be terrified of what to do if he said he has feelings too. Where would I go from there? On the other hand, I feel like I can't move forward in my relationship with my current boyfriend without closure from this. Sometimes I wish I could just cut off everything that had to do with my ex, but I don't want to. + +Please help me, because I really have no idea what to do."," If you're in a relationship and you're having strong thoughts about someone else, it's important to pay attention to that. Although you say you're happy, I'd suggest looking really carefully at the relationship you have and whether you're getting everything you need. Is there a physical connection with your ex that you don't have with your current boyfriend? It could be that your boyfriend is marvelous in many areas, but that you just don't feel excited about him for some reason. That's a pretty important element to be missing. It may be that, even if you are happy with your current boyfriend, you still hold something special for your ex. If you feel the need to see what is possible there, I think you have to tell your boyfriend about that and end it with him first. You can't have everything. If you truly feel that you want to be with your current boyfriend, you will do well to stop thinking about and focusing on your ex, because thoughts of him will interfere with the growth of your current relationship. The grass isn't greener... A therapist can help you to focus your energies and thoughts on the present, rather than an imagined version of the past or future. " +"Every time I speak, he says I anger him. Also, when he's mad at something, like work, he gets angry at me. I feel like we're so distant from each other now. We used to laugh all the time, and I feel like he lets too much negativity in. What should I do? We've been married for two years but together for seven."," Hi, Newark. It sounds to me like your husband is going through something, and I think you understand that. You might feel very helpless, sad, and disrespected at the same time. He's changed.  It's unfair for him to blame you for his emotions. His mood issues are about him, not you, and he's either not recognising that or not taking responsibility for it. Are you respecting yourself here by drawing appropriate boundaries? You can let him know when you feel disrespected, and what's not okay with you. He may be experiencing depression, which often shows up as irritability in men. It could be that he's not telling you something, or he's unaware of his emotional processes. You can try a ""I'm really worried about you. You don't seem happy and I don't know how to help you. Some things are happening that aren't okay with me. Will you see a therapist?"" approach. Perhaps you could go with him the first time?   It's about a combination of compassion, self-respect and seeking professional help, I believe. I wish you well.  " +"For the last year, my adolescent son and daughter have been driving me nuts with fighting. I'm at my wits end. How can I get them to stop and get along?"," That is a good question. Unfortunately there is no generic answer with this one. Kids fight for different reasons - wanting attention, wanting respect, feeling jealous, wanting space and to be left alone, or a whole bunch of other reasons. Regardless of the underlying motivations for fighting, most conflicts result from misunderstandings and assumptions about the motivations of others and one of the best ways to start figuring out what is going on is to sit them down and have some conversations with them.  These conversations should be centred on getting a better understanding of why they are angry with each other and really understanding them. It is important that they each know that you are committed to understanding their experience rather than simply sitting them down and lecturing them about what they are doing wrong. The more they are able to understand each other and feel understood the more likely they will be cooperative and considerate of each other.  One exercise for doing this that can be very helpful is ""active listening"" where one person speaks and the other person reflects back what they heard the other person say and then checks for understanding. This is hard to do but it often illuminates where the misunderstandings and assumptions are. If this doesn't work it may be time to get a family therapist or counsellor involved who can help facilitate dialogue and resolve conflict.  " +"I use to be so happy. No matter what, I always was happy. I got into a relationship with this guy. I love him so much. We're both teenagers. The week after his birthday, my mom made me stop talking to him. It broke me. He came to my house and talked to her, and she let us date again but not see each other. He comes up to my school every day and it tears me apart that I have to lie to her."," I understand that this can be difficult when you care about someone. Have you had a discussion with your mom as to why she does not want you and this boy to see each other, and what her concerns are? It sounds as though you and your mom may be able to use some help with communicating, and compromising. It is understandable that you do not to feel comfortable having  to lie to your mom. It  would be helpful if she could understand that you having to lie to he is getting in the way of you being able to go to her with any issue and  feel she will hopefully understand or try to understand where you are coming from.  Have either one of you been in family therapy? This may be something you may want to suggest to your mom to help you both understand where each one is coming from. If your mood is sad, and your feeling worse, it is important that you reach out to an adult, parent, person at school whom you trust to share your feelings and help you feel understood and work through your problems. " +"My husband took a job out of state for the next year and seems to be a different person. Before, he worked and slept, and on off days, he'd stay home because he didn't want to do anything else. Now he's going out with friends several nights a week while I'm still home working a 50 hours a week job and taking care of two kids by myself. He's suddenly saying he misses me and wants me to be his adored wife, but the whole time, I'm remembering how I've been emotionally starving for the last five years."," It seems that you have been very disconnected from each other which naturally  could contribute to symptoms of saddness and even depression. Obviously something has shifted which you do not understand. Therefore,  perhaps you should consider attending Couples therapy to help work through your concerns and feelings?  It would also be beneficial to assess if in fact any depression or other underlying issue is going on. Communication is so important in any relationship and the manner in which we express ourselves to our partner can either invite curiosity and emotional connection, or shut down connection. IMAGO dialoguing is a helpful tool for couples for communication as it teaches  validating and empathic listening to better heal disconnection.  " +"I find myself crying over every little thing, like dropping a glass of water. Today, I got out of the shower and noticed that I had forgotten a shirt. I instantly started to cry. When I made it to my room, I began to shake a little, cry more, and I begged for it to stop."," It is very typical for pregnant moms to feel completely emotionally and extremely teary eyed, so not to worry. Biologically speaking, your body generates an influx of hormones, that affects you neurotransmitters (chemical messages to the brain) that takes you on an emotional rollercoaster, but that's a good thing for the baby. Everyone reponds differently to these changes in mood, ranging from being anxious to being depressed. However it is mostly heightened in the first and third trimester. There is no guide as to how to handle these emotions, but engaging in various sensory activities like walking, yoga, swimming, listening to music may alleviate your mood. Embrace the emotions that go along with pregnancy and know that it is within the norm. " +"My long-distance girlfriend is in a sorority, and it's changing her. I feel like I'm becoming less important to her and it hurts. She just wants me to support the sorority, but it's so hard. I try every day to show her she's the most important thing to me, but she can't even stay relatively sober at a fraternity party for me so that I won't worry about her doing anything regretful. We love each other, but we're in a rough patch."," You may already be doing as much as possible for your relationship. Each of you are 50% of the relationship. Is the 50% which your GF contributes to your relationship, based on the same understanding of the couple's problem, as you have? Maybe a good starting place for the two of you to talk about is defining what problem the two of you have as a couple. This way, each of you will be able to know if you have similar values and definitions of your reasons for being together. Depending on what you each expect from your partnership, you each will clearly know whether, and then how, to accommodate the other person. These discussions stir a lot of emotions in each person, so that sometimes staying clear minded becomes very difficult.  You both will likely feel like talking about these matters more than one time. Consider utilizing a professional, credentialed and licensed therapist who would help the two of you stay on track with examine your emotional connections in a fair and safe way. Good luck with understanding and appreciating your relationship! " +"My husband always works. He does work from home, but his hours are from morning until night, and he neglects his family. If I have anything I want to do, I have to find a babysitter, but he does what he wants. He rarely comes to bed when I do, and we never have date nights."," I'm glad you're aware to expect more satisfaction from being part of a couple, than you currently describe yourself as having. Are you and your husband able to talk about any or all of what you've written here? His answers would be a starting point for knowing how he understands his share of your relationship and whether and how he would like making any changes. If the two of you feel too much tension in the relationship to bring up any of the topics you write about here, then ask yourself the reason for this. Very commonly, people are afraid to ask questions of their partner, even when feeling unhappy and that they'd like changes to the relationship. Often, people are fearful of harsh criticism by the partner and worry that by simply stating the reasons for feeling unhappy, will mean hearing judgments against them, spoken by the partner. It is always a good idea to utilize the services of a professional, credentialed and licensed therapist, if after trying to start a conversation on the topics you bring up here, does not go well or very far. For all of us, the emotions in our intimate relationships are deep and powerful.  They are not easy to handle, especially under tension and frustration. Sending lots of good wishes for future happiness! " +"Whenever I don't tell my friends or anyone what I did or stuff that's not really important, I feel terrible, like there's a hole in my stomach. It only goes away when I hurt myself."," Sorry to hear of your situation. Possibly you are overlooking that your own Self is someone worth talking to as well. None of us are ever really alone because we are always with ourselves. Self-talk is a major part of what guides our decisions and how we make sense of relationships and situations.    Even after telling people the stories or activities, hearing their comments, it is always within ourselves that we decide if the way we were received by these others, the comments we heard back, feel right and accurate to our lives. I hope the feeling of a hole in your stomach would decrease by enjoying your Self.    I am guessing that hurting yourself makes the stomach hole feel less bad because the physical pain you create in yourself distracts you from feeling it. Enjoying your Self by talking kindly, loving, and having inner dialogue may very well decrease the feeling of a hole, altogether. Sending lots of good luck! " +"My husband always works. He does work from home, but his hours are from morning until night, and he neglects his family. If I have anything I want to do, I have to find a babysitter, but he does what he wants. He rarely comes to bed when I do, and we never have date nights."," Hi Ohio, The crazy things about situations like this is that, almost guaranteed, while your husband is out working and away from home, he feels he's doing it all for you and the kids; he believes he's loving you. He might feel like he's carrying his family on his shoulders. Your 'love language' is different...you'd rather spend time with him or talk to him...you want to feel like he's a bigger part of the family and feel connected to him. I absolutely understand that, and I support you asking for that. He might very well miss that feeling of connectedness too, but he's likely also feeling the weight of financial responsibility. A lot of men (and women) don't talk about this but they feel it. Sometimes they feel like they can't win either way; there's pressure to earn and pressure to be home. He has needs too; he probably wants more appreciation and less blame.  I urge you to talk to him about how you feel, find out how he's feeling, and use a professional to assist you if your communication styles aren't great. Right now you WANT to spend time with him and that tells me that you have a good chance of addressing this problem successfully. " +"Whenever I don't tell my friends or anyone what I did or stuff that's not really important, I feel terrible, like there's a hole in my stomach. It only goes away when I hurt myself."," Hi Kansas, I feel strongly that the help of a professional therapist is important here. Feelings are never wrong, but it can help to understand where they come from and talk to someone who can teach you healthy ways to cope. Self-harm is not the answer to managing those emotions you feel in your stomach. Although I'm glad you said something here, a professional would need to spend some time with you and get a deep understanding of your life in order to help you sort all these reactions out effectively. I hope you reach out to someone soon.  " +"I'm in a long-distance relationship with my ideal man, but I'm not as attracted to him as I should be. Everything else is perfect about him, but I find myself lusting over more attractive men. The next step is marriage, but I want to marry someone who I can wake up to and fall in love with all over again. However, I also don't want to throw away a great relationship over what might just be lust. Am I asking for too much in the ""perfect guy""? Is there such a thing? Am I truly in love?"," The basic guideline for relationship satisfaction, is to know what you can and cannot live with and without.  And, since you are considering marriage, for how long do you imagine yourself being satisfied living with and without certain qualities of your partner. There is a hard wired dynamic between two people that defines the basic structure of the relationship. While life is filled with surprises and can change in an instant, the basic way in which the partners of a couple, connect. Do you understand why you are not attracted to your partner?    Whatever the reason, now is a good time to state this about yourself.   He may be quite willing and interested in developing new ways of intercourseually stimulating you.   Maybe he is just as shy about talking about this topic as you are.  On some level he must know that he doesn't satisfy you.  He may be relieved to hear you bring up the topic! As always, remember that if discussing a relationship matter feel hard to start, consider utilizing therapy services with a professional, credentialed and licensed therapist. " +"I have no real friends. I have a girlfriend who irritates me but loves me to death. I push her away and pushes me away. We're going through a breakup, and I have nobody."," Having time all to yourself may be necessary so you have time to reflect on your own identity and values, become more clear on what matters most to you, and with this increased self-understanding, be able to attract people who will feel like satisfying friends. Having a relationship with someone whom you push away and are pushed away, with someone who is irritating, seems to have limited benefit for each of you. Maybe you are together from fear of being alone, and being alone is exactly what you may now need in your life in order to draw more favorable people to you. " +"Back in high school, my friend and I used to masturbate around each other. I hate even talking about it now because it's so weird. We didn't even realize how messed up it was at the time. One time, it escalated and we ended up doing it for each other. It wasn't supposed to be a gay thing, but it sure sounds like it now that I talk about it. I pushed this away until it recently came up in my head again. I'm having a lot of trouble."," Writing about your high school masturbation times with your friend, is itself a form of acknowledging the full picture of who you are.    You are doing well to reflect on your actions in the truthful way you are doing. Also positive is that you have perspective, that at your age and social maturity, you were innocently doing something that in adult terms, would be considered in a negative way. Maybe through your more mature mind's eye of today, you can feel some compassion and understanding for your high school self.  This way your sense of self-judgment may start to dissolve a little bit more. " +"Everyone around me is much smarter and flaunts it. Everyone around me is skinny, and here I am trying to throw up so I'm not fat. Everything I do is wrong, and I can't seem to do anything right! No one else at school seems to feel the way I do! Is this normal teenage girls feelings? I don't think these feelings are normal."," There are some struggles that are less ""obvious"" than others, an eating disorder being one of them. From just your personal experience alone you might realize how easy it may seem to keep such a secret from those around you. In the same way, there are many people who struggle secretly with this problem and not many people know or even notice. So you are definitely not alone. Low self-esteem or lack of confidence in some areas are issues that EVERY teen, in fact EVERY person, has experienced at some point. These feelings are ""normal."" It sounds, though, as if these feelings of insecurity and inadequacy have begun to consume your every day thoughts and behaviors bringing you to where you are today - comparing yourself to others, purging, and feeling extreme guilt. Sometimes it's best if we seek outside help, instead of trying to tackle problems on our own. Breaking habits that come along with an eating disorder really requires the help of a doctor, nutritionist, and a therapist who can help change your perspective from the inside out! Hope this helps! " +"I'm in a long-distance relationship with my ideal man, but I'm not as attracted to him as I should be. Everything else is perfect about him, but I find myself lusting over more attractive men. The next step is marriage, but I want to marry someone who I can wake up to and fall in love with all over again. However, I also don't want to throw away a great relationship over what might just be lust. Am I asking for too much in the ""perfect guy""? Is there such a thing? Am I truly in love?"," Attraction is important but sometimes over-rated. I'm curious about your comment that you are not as attracted as you ""should be"" - What is your measuring stick is for what you are supposed to feel in terms of attraction in a relationship? Do you want to be intercourseually intimate? Do you enjoy having intercourse with him? Are you satisfied with your intercourseual relationship when you are with him?  The fact that there is lust for other more attractive men does not necessarily mean anything. There will always be attractive men and more attractive men than your partner and these attractive men will be even more appealing when you are in a long-distance relationship far from the arms of your partner. Loving someone does not mean that you stop being a intercourseual being who no longer notices and desires attractive men.  Attraction results from a number of factors beyond appearance - including the degree to which you feel emotionally open, safe, and connected and how in tune you are with each other's bodies. It sounds like you think very highly of this man ""everything else is perfect about him"". Maybe it is worth spending some more time together in the same place if that is possible before deciding on marriage or that you are not truly in love.  " +I just wanted to get to know one so I can hear about their college experience and the courses they took. I also wanted to know if they enjoy their job and how long they were in school.,"It's a great idea for you to reach out to find a psychologist to talk to if this is a field you might be interested in pursuing.  Regarding the length of schooling, it generally takes 4 years of college and an additional 4 to 7 years of graduate school to earn a doctorate degree to become a psychologist.  There are also other similar professions, including counseling that don't require a doctorate degree. Licensed counselors generally completed 4 years of college and an additional 2 years of graduate school.  If you are thinking about a career in psychology, the local APA chapter would be a good place to start to find a local psychologist to talk to. Here's a link to the NJ APA chapter: https://www.psychologynj.org/ " +"I have an eating disorder of binging. I've had gastric sleeve surgery. I need help with issues of abuse as a child, addiction, and abusive men. I have been in therapy for five months and get no feedback from my therapist."," It can be really frustrating to feel like your counselor is not providing you with the help you need. My recommendation in a situation like this would be to let your counselor know how you feel. Specifically tell Your counselor that you don't seem to be getting the amount of feedback you would like. If this doesn't help, then you might want to look for another counselor who will be a better fit for you. " +"I am an international student, and it is my first semester in graduate school in the United States. I faced a cultural shock, and I was so depressed when I arrived here. My counselor in the university was my savior. He helped me a great deal. Now I am going back to my country for a vacation. I was thinking to get him something special with my country's name on it, and I remembered that he likes wine. My country is known for that. Is it appropriate to give him wine as a gift after Christmas?"," This is a great question.  In general it is not appropriate for counselors to accept gifts from their clients.  There are some exceptions to this general rule - including a recognition that there may be a valid cultural aspect to this type of gift giving. It might be best to simply offer your counselor a holiday card as an expression of your feelings. You could also talk to your counselor about the gift and ask if him it if would be appropriate. In the end, I know he would most appreciate just knowing how much the counseling meant to you. " +"My wife is trying to leave. She agreed to come back and give me a little time. Even said she hopes I can do it. We buried our first born in Jan 13 years ago. She never got past it. So every year around this time, she gets emotional and says she doesn't think she loves me, but then we go back to normal. This time, another guy came in and showed her attention. I'll forgive the cheating if she'll come home."," I'm sorry that you lost your first born child.  Death of a child always leaves a permanent reminder to the parents of a very painful time in their lives. The good news is your awareness that you and your wife are not connected in a satisfying way. There are many possible areas to examine in your relationship as partners and as parents. If what you write here are your observations and theories about your wife's outlook and conclusions, then the first step is to directly have conversations together on the topics you write here. What needs clarifying is what her reasons are for wanting to leave the marriage. Often, a crisis such as a child's death, motivates someone to look deeply into other intimate relationships.   Keep in mind that looking deeply doesn't necessarily mean leaving the marriage. Also, be aware of your own frustrations and marital discontent.  Be ready to talk about your feelings and uncertainties. There is no such thing as one happy partner in a marriage and one unhappy partner.   Each person is part of a system and can only be as satisfied as their partner. The conversations that open relationship hurts and disappointments, hold a lot of emotion.  They are difficult to keep on track. Best recommendation is to find a couples therapist who will be neutral to each of you as individuals, and help both of you examine the true health of the relationship. " +"My dad cheated on my mom for 13 years. I cannot stop obsessing over the fact that my boyfriend might be cheating on me even when I know he isn't. I have full access to his phone, social media, and e-mails. I never find anything, but I'm obsessed with constantly checking just in case. How do I stop this? It's driving a wedge between us."," Hi Greenville, I respect that you're owning your own overreactions, and that you want to give your boyfriend the respect he deserves. The truth is that some people cheat, and some don't, and our partners deserve the benefit of the doubt unless they show signs they can't be trusted. The answer here is in two different areas. Basically, if you want to feel differently (more trusting, in your case), you look at your thoughts, and your behaviours. Your thoughts are stuck... like tires in deep ruts in the road. These thoughts are only habits, they don't reflect the truth. Fear is probably whispering in your ear things like ""everyone cheats"", or "" you're not enough for him"". Once you figure out what fear is trying to tell you, picture those words in red next time they come up. Ask yourself what the evidence is that supports that thought (there won't be much...perhaps none), and what is the evidence that doesn't support it (I know lots of good men, I know I deserve love and loyalty, there is no sign of infidelity...). You're learning to refute the thoughts that are connected to the fear. That's the first half. Practise these thoughts. The rest of the work is in your behaviours. Act as though you trust him. Force yourself to not check or interrogate, and the less you check, the less obsessive and untrusting you will feel. Acting ""as if"" something if true strangely helps us believe it. It's possible to change the way we think, and this is turn changes the way we feel. Try this to start, and see a therapist for support and cognitive behavioural therapy if you want to dive more deeply into why this is happening and how to stop it. Good luck! " +"Whether it's to a guy or girl, I always feel insecure talking, and I am afraid of embarrassing myself and not being good enough. Even when I am walking, I worry about my appearance and facial expression and such."," Hi. I'm glad you wrote, because I think a lot of people have this same issue (to different degrees) and we don't talk about it much. You have some social anxiety that is a bit beyond what the average person might feel. Most people have some amount of worry about what others might think of them, and this probably prevents us from making complete fools of ourselves so that's a good thing. But your ""alarm system"" is out of whack and you are spending too much time worrying about how you come across. As you age you understand this more, and it's true...that other people really aren't thinking about you much or monitoring you at all; they're too busy having the same thoughts you're having! Am I good enough? Do people like me, judge me...think I'm weird? We're all concerned about how we come across far more than how others come across. Like many people, you lack compassion for yourself, acceptance of yourself and confidence in yourself.  My gut says that these things came from somewhere in your past. Our sensitivities usually come from (as well as genetics) a specific time in our life when we experienced or felt something that was overwhelming and we end up with an alarm system that overreacts at times. Without more details, it's difficult to go further here. I recommend you see a therapist who does cognitive behavioural therapy, which can help you understand the roots of your fears and learn how to manage them more successfully.  " +"I have an eating disorder of binging. I've had gastric sleeve surgery. I need help with issues of abuse as a child, addiction, and abusive men. I have been in therapy for five months and get no feedback from my therapist."," Hi Anaheim, Relationships with therapists have some things in common with other relationships; they work best if there is dialogue about what your hopes, thoughts, emotions and needs are. Are you letting your therapist know what your goals are? It's okay to say ""I'd really like us to focus on this piece"", or ""I'm looking for specific direction about how to manage this part"". Your therapist is wise if they ask questions that determine what your needs are, but they can't read your mind.  Not every therapist will be a good fit for you. I know I'm not a good fit for everyone I meet. We have different styles; some are more  passive and focus on listening. This might be the type of therapist you have. For some people this is what they want, but maybe it's not for you. Maybe you want someone who digs at you more, asks more questions, gives you strategies, lets you know what they think... someone more active. If this is the case, it doesn't mean s/he's a bad therapist...it's just not what you're looking for.  Sometimes people think they can't end sessions with their therapist; they might be worried about hurt feelings. But, in the end, you don't owe your therapist anything if you feel it's not working or it's not a good match. Just move on and try someone new. Maybe ask them questions first about their style, even.  Best of luck! " +"My fiancé doesn't think I trust him because I was cheated on before. However, he hides his phone and has been texting his ex-girlfriend, who he has two kids with. What should I do?"," Oh Chino, I only have half the picture here so I will be cautious. There's a chicken and an egg, and I don't know which came first. One thing I see clearly is that your fiance will always have to have communications with his ex, because they have children. Can you accept that?  When suspicion and insecurity come along, your job is to look at the big picture and the real picture. Is there any real evidence that he is cheating? Remember that texting his ex is not evidence alone if the communications are about the kids. Has he earned your trust? If so, then it's not fair to punish him for the betrayals of others. He's not your ex. Reassure your heart that you are his priority if the larger evidence supports that.  At the same time, you can let him know what your triggers are. For example, hiding his phone doesn't send you a good message, right? See, this is the chicken and the egg...is he hiding the phone because you've been overreacting when he gets a text?  So let him know you won't blow up about him getting a text if he doesn't conceal or password his phone. Transparency helps build trust. You have sensitivities, and it helps you a lot if he's aware of them and willing to try not to do things that trigger fear.  Let him know when you get scared, and hopefully he'll give you the openness and security you need in order to trust him and act as if you trust him.  :) " +"I am an international student, and it is my first semester in graduate school in the United States. I faced a cultural shock, and I was so depressed when I arrived here. My counselor in the university was my savior. He helped me a great deal. Now I am going back to my country for a vacation. I was thinking to get him something special with my country's name on it, and I remembered that he likes wine. My country is known for that. Is it appropriate to give him wine as a gift after Christmas?"," Hi,  Different therapists are guided by the ethical guidelines of their own associations or colleges when it comes to receiving gifts, so this may differ a bit from therapist to therapist. It's important to me that I be sensitive to cultural norms, and to my client's needs. In Canada, and the US, it is customary for people to sometimes express gratitude with a small gift, and I have from time to time received small tokens of appreciation because I believe it would be rude to refuse this. It is never necessary to give a therapist a gift, but if you wish to express your gratitude in this way, I don't think it's inappropriate.  " +"A friend of mine taking psychology advised I go to my doctor to check if I have major depressive disorder. I'm afraid of the consequences of doing so. If I do become diagnosed with major depressive disorder, won't that go on my records? I will never be able to become a counselor along with a list of other things I may be prohibited from. I'm also afraid of taking any anti-depressants. This year, my doctor gave me some for a ""dislocated hip."" I had a severe reaction and passed out moments after taking them. Everyone I know who has taken anti-depressants says it's a bad idea all around and you're better getting treatment without them. I'm concerned they might take me to a clinic and force me to take medication because I am unable to make decisions on my own. I'm not really suicidal, but I am not really taking care of myself either. Someone also told me they still use electroshock therapy. I'm not keen on that. I'm wondering if I am better off just getting self-help and working things out on my own. It's just that I've been an emotional mess since I was in elementary school. I've graduated now and tried to stay positive and be happy, but I cannot deny I still am not good."," I admire your courage for stating your view about anti-depressants.  Questioning mainstream thinking and being in touch with your own views, are signs of strength and clarity in a person. As a therapist, I always tell my patients to avoid anti-depressants. Their effectiveness is in suppressing a person's mood and feelings.  If someone does not know how they are feeling, then they will have more difficulty in understanding themselves, their uncertainties and hesitations, and overall, how they relate to others and what they expect from others. Anti-depressants mask how someone feels. In a crisis, temporarily taking anti-depressants may be helpful.  If someone is so overwhelmed that they are not functioning, then  suppressing unhappy feelings so that the person can get through a day, may be of benefit for a short while. Basically, respect and follow your own opinion about anti-depressants.   Your view is shared by many.   It is a minority opinion, and very valid.  If you would like to shop for a therapist, ask the person on the phone, what their opinions are about anti-depressants. Ideally, you will eventually find a therapist who thinks in a way which is similar to you, or at least similar enough that you will have a sense that you are able to trust working with them on whatever you define as problematic. I hope you will have an easy and productive therapist search! " +"I was “mentored” by this guy for a few years spiritually. It was okay at times, but other times, it was just weird. I try not to think about it too much, but a lot of manipulation and lying happened, yet no one else really believed me when I told them. It's like he's two different people, and no one else really sees that side of him. I was blamed for a lot of our troubles, and now we don't really talk much. I'm worried because he's in a trusted position of leadership and no one suspects anything. They just think I'm attacking his character. How do I know for sure?"," You may intuitively be sensing what many professionals in the social sciences and psychology have already understood. Just Google ""psychopaths and leadership"" and many articles come up about boardroom politics and that psychopaths are very successful in these roles. Theoretically, is it terrible that corporate leadership qualities match those of psychopaths?   Well, yes.   And, I consider your question as a mark of your sensitive awareness toward other people.  Being able to recognize social dynamics, is a strength that you have. Psychopaths know how to be charming and to twist words so that others believe that their own interest is the same as the psychopath's. I agree with you about not being able to change people's minds who are attached to this person's interactions. The only way you can introduce a change in the relationship system of a psychopath is that if you are aware of illegal or law breaking activity, and you have evidence of this, that you contact relevant authorities. No one is allowed to break laws, including psychopaths. " +"When I see something I don't like, I go off like a ticking time bomb. I go from “0 to 100” really quickly."," Sometimes we react to situations immediately, without thinking of the consequences of our actions. Typically by not reacting right away, we are better able to gather our thoughts, see the situation more clearly and from other perspectives, and respond more calmly. One of the strategies that almost always helps is deep breathing. When faced with a stressful situation, you can give yourself a time out by removing yourself from the stress and spend 5 minutes taking deep breaths (breathe in slowly counting to 4 and breathe out even slower counting to 6), while focusing and thinking only about your breathing. After doing so, think of the various ways you can respond to the situation and choose the one most appropriate. Good luck! " +"I just got out of a two year relationship. I broke up with my boyfriend because he wasn't showing any affection at all. He was talking to other women and lying about it. It pushed me away and hurt me, but I'm still in love with him. A couple days after our breakup, he was talking to someone new. He told me he wasn't sure if he loved me. I cried for several days, lost my appetite, and couldn't sleep. Our whole relationship was only us. We didn't have friends. It was me and him against the world. We didn't talk to anyone else because we only wanted to talk to each other. We hung out constantly and Skyped to sleep every single night. Then, when I cut myself, we talked on Skype. He cried and told me ""I'm still in love with you, I never stopped loving you,"" and I cried tears of joy. I asked multiple times if he loved me and asked to make sure he wasn't just saying that because of me being so depressed. He promised and assured me he loved me. He came over after that, and we had intercourse because he wanted to. He went the home that night and told me he didn't love me, and he lied because he was scared. He told me I wasn't attractive, I wasn't beautiful to him, and that I changed. He also told me he was 100% sure he'd never love me again. I'm still in love with him. Why do I love him? How do I stop? Just knowing that someone else is with him hurts me. That I wasn't good enough and that I'm no longer beautiful hurts me. I think I need a therapist, but don't know if I should."," I am very sorry for the pain you are suffering. Losing the most significant person in your life is extremely painful and breakups are often equated to a death. There will certainly be a grieving process that you go through and time passing will allow the hurt to subside. With that being said, seeing a therapist is highly recommended as it sounds like continuous support may be necessary for healing to take place. Anytime sadness causes thoughts of suicide or self harm, it is important to get help immediately. A therapist can help you by validating your feelings and what you are going through, while also working with you to move through the grieving process, adopt new hobbies, social outlets, and goals for your future. While starting over and trying out new ways of being may seem like a daunting task, it will only make things easier and give you a sense of hope and purpose for your future. With the new year right around the corner, this could be viewed as a good time and opportunity to get reaquainted with yourself and set goals related to living a more fullfilling life. Hang in there. With a support system in place and a healthy mindset, things can only get easier. Best of luck to you!   " +"I am always arguing with my father. He gets stressed over work and health and talks to me in a tone of voice that seems very demanding and seems more like yelling. I get upset often at this. Am I too sensitive? He always says I am overreacting but never seems to understand that he is hurting my feelings. No matter how often I try to tell him this, he never listens."," Thanks for the question. Regardless of whether or not you are sensitive, it is okay to want better communication with those who are important to you. When we feel that we are being talked down to or being ridiculed, it is difficult to not take it personally. It sounds like you have taken the first and necessary step in resolving this by bringing up the issue to him. Is it possible that the delivery of your message is causing him to feel blamed or defensive? Try communicating with him during a time when you are not upset and when it is out of context. Begin your statements with ""I"" as opposed to ""you."" For example, you can tell him, ""I feel angry when you raise your voice at me"" instead of ""You always yell at me."" Also, avoid using black and white terms such as never and always. Additionally, offer sugggestions as to ways that he can better communicate with you. Maybe he just doesn't know how to. Lastly, when delivering a message, I like to use the sandwich method by starting off the discussion with something postive and ending it with something postive. For example, you may say something to the effect of: ""Dad, I enjoy the discussions we share and really value your opinion. There are times that I feel angry when you talk to me aggressively. Perhaps you can try talking to me using a calmer tone when I bring up heated topics. Let's try and work on this together. I will try to be less sensitive and I am asking that you be more calm."" I hope you find this useful! " +"I'm in a long-distance relationship with my ideal man, but I'm not as attracted to him as I should be. Everything else is perfect about him, but I find myself lusting over more attractive men. The next step is marriage, but I want to marry someone who I can wake up to and fall in love with all over again. However, I also don't want to throw away a great relationship over what might just be lust. Am I asking for too much in the ""perfect guy""? Is there such a thing? Am I truly in love?"," Hi Montgomery,  Your first sentence says it all. He might be an amazing person, but there's something missing for you. I'm curious...you say this is a long distance relationship. Did you make a connection through social media or email first? Maybe a dating website? I'm just wondering if this is the case. These modern ways of meeting people are awesome because we can be exposed to a wide variety of people who we never would meet in the grocery store or a friend's party. There are complications, though, and one of the drawbacks is you can feel very connected to someone and care about them a great deal before you ever meet them in person. Then, when you finally meet them and there isn't that spark of magnetic physical attraction, you're in a bit of a difficult spot because you've already established that you're drawn to each other in other ways; you're already connected. It can be very awkward then to say ""Now that I meet you, it doesn't feel the way it should for me"". In the future, I suggest meeting up in person early on, to answer that crucial question ""Are we physically attracted to each other?"". Clearly, this is not only important for you, but it is for most of us. My guess is that you feel you owe this man your affection and commitment even though you're not really all that into him (lusting after other men is a sign of that), because you like absolutely everything else about him. But honesty is crucial here, both with yourself and this man. Just because you don't find yourself attracted to him doesn't mean that you're a bad person, or that he's not attractive. Someone else might drool over him and I think he deserves someone who does just that. You can have both love and lust. For most people, only one of them isn't enough. " +"My husband doesn't trust me for some past we had. I know all marriages have their ups and downs, but sometimes, I feel I am getting tired of the same thing over and over: that I am messing around, which I am not."," Hi Louisiana, It's normal when trust has been broken in the past for fear and insecurities to come up from time to time. His reactions may not mean that he doesn't trust you, but rather that he gets scared that he's going to be hurt again.  You're a bit vague about the past. You don't say whether you cheated or not. If you did, then you might try taking an approach where you a) take responsibility for your past actions, b) show an understanding of and compassion for his pain about that, c) do everything you can to demonstrate trust and show that he is your priority, and d) reassure him when he says he's scared or feeling insecure. I'm suggesting that part of healing is you having tolerance of his emotions and demonstrating that you're so confident you can be faithful that you can handle his moments of fear. This is what he and the marriage need in order to heal from the attachment injury. Part of the issue might be that when he brings it up, he's coming across as angry, accusing or suspicious, rather than scared and insecure. This often happens. A therapist can help both of you understand that fear is behind the anger, and it works best if he shows you his vulnerable emotions rather than the anger (which is also natural, but less helpful in those moments), and then you can more easily recognise the cue for you to reassure him.  As much as you want to forget about it, he might need to talk about it sometimes, and that's normal. His needs are important. Also important, however, is your need for respect. If he approaches it in a disrespectful way, that's a separate problem. If it's brought up as a weapon, used to shut you down, or used to control or punish, those are unhealthy ways of dealing with past hurts. You can both offer compassion to him and use your sense of boundaries to protect yourself from being flogged with the past. A qualified therapist can help you sort through this trick territory. Best of luck. " +"I have bipolar II disorder, I'm addicted to alcohol and weed, and I'm hopeless. I keep drinking even though it's harming myself and others."," You may feel hopeless but YOU are not hopeless. Addictions of any sort are difficult to overcome, especially when they serve to bury pain and suffering that one is experiencing. It is not impossible to overcome alcohol or drug use/abuse/dependence on your own, but you will likely find much greater success with the help of a therapist or other support system such as rehabilitation or Alcoholics Anonymous. I suggest doing a bit of research to see what type of help is available and feasible for you in your area and go from there. Know that recovery takes time, willingness, and effort. Don't give up and remember that you are not hopeless. You can make the choice to change your habits and learn new ways of healthy coping. Best of luck to you! " +"My husband doesn't trust me for some past we had. I know all marriages have their ups and downs, but sometimes, I feel I am getting tired of the same thing over and over: that I am messing around, which I am not."," It is incredibly frustrating to not be trusted when you know you are doing nothing wrong. If the lack of trust on your husband's end has to do with something you did in the past, then be patient and give it time. Once trust is broken it takes time and effort to gain it back. Try seeing the situation from your husband's perspective, as often times looking at situations from different angles, gives us new understanding and insight. Remember that you can't change how he feels, but you can help him to regain the trust by asking him what he needs and responding to his needs as best you can. Seeing a couple's counselor is never a bad idea and it would also be beneficial for you and or/your husband to seek out individual therapy. There may be other unknown factors that you are unaware of that are contributing to the trust issues and inability to resolve them. Hope everything works out for you! " +I don't know what to say. I have never really known who I am.," What exactly is it that you are looking for? Different people define themselves in different ways. For example, one person may define himself by his values and morals while another identifies herself by her personality and characteristics. Still, another person may define himself by his interests and hobbies. Learning who you are as a person can take time and life experience. At the same time, who you are may change according to what experiences you have had and how you have dealt with them or felt about them. Try viewing the journey of finding yourself as exciting and ongoing. Allow yourself to feel emotions and learn how they relate to the experiences you have. This may help you to know more about what you value, what you like and dislike, and what you want for yourself in life. Best of luck to you! " +"My husband doesn't trust me for some past we had. I know all marriages have their ups and downs, but sometimes, I feel I am getting tired of the same thing over and over: that I am messing around, which I am not."," I'm sorry to hear about the trust issues in your relationship. Trust, as you clearly know, is essential to healthy relationships. Past indiscretions or dishonesty can damage this trust and make it really hard to confidence that these things will not happen again despite reassurances. We tend to be very sensitive to betrayal and risks to our relationship security.  Rebuilding trust takes time and effort for both parties. On your end, you may need to provide more reassurance and more concrete evidence that you are trustworthy, gestures of transparency (e.g. - giving him more information about where you are going and who you will be with, letting him know when you get texts or emails from people that might give him pause or trigger insecurities), and more patience and empathy for his fears.  On his end, he may need to learn to be with his insecurities and fears and ask for reassurance about your love and commitment in ways that do not lead to criticizing you, attempting to control you, or limiting your freedom.  If you are not able to come to agreements about how to put his fears to rest without it negatively impacting your life, I would suggest getting some professional help from a marriage counsellor or couples therapist. " +"I have bipolar II disorder, I'm addicted to alcohol and weed, and I'm hopeless. I keep drinking even though it's harming myself and others."," What an important question. I'm hearing your hopelessness and fear about the damage of your substance use and it sounds like you have reason for concern. While there can be negative stigma about using substances, for the most part substance use is an attempt to cope with emotional distress in the absence of sufficient coping strategies. We all look for comfort when we are in pain and this may be the way that you are getting comfort - even though it is also hurting you. In order to stop using alcohol and weed you will need a lot of support and you will need to learn other ways of getting comfort when you are in pain or struggling with bipolar related symptoms.  There is nothing to be ashamed of and we all need help when we are struggling. I would encourage you to reach out for support in any way that you can. Have you talked with your health care providers about your concerns or friends or family members?  Here are some links of resources in Whistler that may be helpful: http://www.vch.ca/locations-and-services/find-health-services/?program_id=11035 http://redbookonline.bc211.ca/service/9509054_9509054/whistler_mental_health_and_addictions http://mywcss.org/programs/counselling-assistance/ http://redbookonline.bc211.ca/organization/9489472/alcoholics_anonymous_aa___squamishwhistler " +"I've worked with this guy for about three years now, and I knew the first time I saw him that I was attracted. Over time, he became a very dear friend, and we talked about our relationship problems, family, dreams, and so on. There was always flirtation with us, and one day pretty recently, it progressed to making out. We agreed to keep it quiet, and we did, but in the back of my mind, I hoped it would become something more. It didn't, and three months later, I'm still not over it. + +I'm trying so hard to maintain the friendship because that's what he wants. We're no longer in the same office, which I thought would help me get over these feelings, but we still talk about work, and he's constantly touching me, so I'm still very drawn to him. He's a hugger and such a sweet guy, so I find myself fantasizing all the time about what could have been and what could still be, but he's clearly not interested. He's younger than me and prefers model types, but I see him checking me out a lot, which gives me hope. How do I get him out of my system and still maintain the friendship?"," It sounds like a tricky situation. If you want to maintain your friendship and continue to have regular contact with him, getting over him may not be possible. What makes it even trickier is that his actions (hugs and touching) may be misleading and are allowing you to believe that a romantic relationship is possible. Some ways in which we naturally get over others are when we fall in love with someone else or when we suddenly see the person we like in a more negative or unattractive light. If you truly want to force yourself to get over him, cutting contact or setting strict boundaries may be necessary. If you don't see him, over time you can begin to forget about him. If you set boundaries by discontinuing to allow the hugs and touches, you will not feel mislead or have the idea in your mind that he is being flirtatious or interested. It would be difficult to continue the relationship as is and expect your feelings to change. Thus, being proactive by talking to him about boundaries or cutting contact with him are two things you can do that will likely help you to get over him. Good luck!  " +"My husband doesn't trust me for some past we had. I know all marriages have their ups and downs, but sometimes, I feel I am getting tired of the same thing over and over: that I am messing around, which I am not."," The good news in the way you're feeling is recognizing that your husband's trust of your actions, makes a difference to you. The typical therapy formula for restoring trust between two people after some sort of betrayal, is for the one who has broken the trust, to earn it back. Restoring trust requires both persons to actively involve themselves in this process. The person who tires earning back trust, must know what standards for this, of the one who was betrayed. The person who feels betrayed must willingly be open minded to accepting the efforts of the one who tries earning back their trust. As simple as this formula sounds, the actual process of restoring trust raises a lot of emotion on both sides, therefore causing difficulty in keeping discussions in this area, on track. The best way of success in restoring trust between partners, is utilizing a couples therapist who would be able to guide your conversations back on track, and also open emotions for discussion when relevant to restoring trust. Good luck in establishing new terms with your partner! " +"I've worked with this guy for about three years now, and I knew the first time I saw him that I was attracted. Over time, he became a very dear friend, and we talked about our relationship problems, family, dreams, and so on. There was always flirtation with us, and one day pretty recently, it progressed to making out. We agreed to keep it quiet, and we did, but in the back of my mind, I hoped it would become something more. It didn't, and three months later, I'm still not over it. + +I'm trying so hard to maintain the friendship because that's what he wants. We're no longer in the same office, which I thought would help me get over these feelings, but we still talk about work, and he's constantly touching me, so I'm still very drawn to him. He's a hugger and such a sweet guy, so I find myself fantasizing all the time about what could have been and what could still be, but he's clearly not interested. He's younger than me and prefers model types, but I see him checking me out a lot, which gives me hope. How do I get him out of my system and still maintain the friendship?"," How frustrating to want a relationship with someone who does not feel similarly! The person who needs to be at the top of your list of those whose interest you consider, is yourself. Most often, staying engaged in dialogue, affection, intercourse, with someone who has different reasons than you have, for doing so, creates longing, frustration and sadness. Since the guy has told you he would like limiting his involvement with you, more than likely you will be protecting yourself from disappointed wishes, by taking his words seriously. Since you've made your interest in him clear, it sound like he's taking advantage of what you're willing to offer him. As long as he's not reciprocating with the involvement you'd like, why continue being available to him? The one area that is open to you in a positive way, is to understand which qualities of this guy you find attractive. By understanding more about your own interests about a potential partner, the stronger you will be able to step away from those who would like you for their reasons, which have nothing or very little in common  with yours. Good luck with defining the qualities of a partner with who you will feel fulfilled by sharing yourself. " +I need to speak to someone about intercourseual addiction and binge eating immediately.," Depending on your area and location, there may be therapists who provide services on a sliding scale. Additionally, churches will often times offer counseling for free or for a small fee. I suggest doing a simple Google search and contact therapists in your area. It never hurts to ask for a reduced fee and even if he or she is unable to provide the service, they may be able to refer you to someone who can. " +"I'm a male in my 20s. My girlfriend is in her late 30s. She's great. She's funny and smart, she has a big heart, and we have an excellent intercourse life. She recently moved in with me partially because she wanted to and partially because she had no place to go. We fight a lot. It's mostly my fault, I must admit. She doesn't like my insecurity and lack of trust I have for her. I have trust issues. Also, I can't fathom why a woman like her is with me, so I'm always dreading when a better dude will come along. I don't think she's happy. She's very submissive and she loves me very much, but also the fact that she has nowhere to go must be influencing her decision to stay. I love her so much, but my jealousy is not likely to diminish. I never believed in the whole ""If you love them, let them go,"" but I do now. I really want her to be happy. Should I end it with her? She has no place to go so I feel like I can't break up with her. I'm literally trapped."," Hi Fort Worth,  I applaud your awareness and insight into the relationship.  Most of us come into relationships carrying old baggage and although you can't change her,  what you can do, is change yourself.  We can usually begin to understand ourselves better in the context of our own upbringings.  That is where we learn what a relationship looks like and it is often not the best teacher.  I wonder about your jealously, insecurity, feeling trapped and a lack of trust.  Has that ever showed up anywhere before?  It has more to do with you and less to do with her.   Your relationship with her is tapping into unresolved issues within yourself.  That is really where you want to focus. Once you understand it and resolve it, you will no longer need to ask anyone else what to do, because you will know.  You are young and just getting started in the relationship world and the healthier you are, the better you will know what healthy looks like.   Know yourself, understand yourself and love yourself.  The rest will take care of itself.  Finding a Therapist can be a big help in this process.  You are asking the question, so I suspect you are ready to look at the man in the mirror.  I believe in you and am wishing you all the best. Sandra Cooper, RN, LPCMH " +"I'm a male in my 20s. My girlfriend is in her late 30s. She's great. She's funny and smart, she has a big heart, and we have an excellent intercourse life. She recently moved in with me partially because she wanted to and partially because she had no place to go. We fight a lot. It's mostly my fault, I must admit. She doesn't like my insecurity and lack of trust I have for her. I have trust issues. Also, I can't fathom why a woman like her is with me, so I'm always dreading when a better dude will come along. I don't think she's happy. She's very submissive and she loves me very much, but also the fact that she has nowhere to go must be influencing her decision to stay. I love her so much, but my jealousy is not likely to diminish. I never believed in the whole ""If you love them, let them go,"" but I do now. I really want her to be happy. Should I end it with her? She has no place to go so I feel like I can't break up with her. I'm literally trapped."," Are you possibly mixing up an impulse to nurture and protect someone, such as by offering housing, and your own need to feel loved and appreciated as a romantic partner? Maybe your feeling of jealousy is really your awareness of a reasonable need to be loved by a partner. Even though you are quite detailed in your description of your partner, one piece which is missing, is whether you feel you are loved by her. Maybe too, what she considers your insecurity, is really her unwillgness to love you. It's always easier to put distance between two people by insulting them. I hope this gives you a few new ways to look at your situation. A few therapy sessions, either by yourself or together w your gf, would give you more chance to know more deeply what it is you are facing. " +"My boyfriend and I have not had intercourse in a couple of weeks. He had to have a cyst removed on his testicles. I have been wanting to have intercourse with him for a while now, and it drives me crazy not to be able to make love to him. I'm scared to touch him and get close to him because I'm afraid that I will hurt him."," Are you talking with your boyfriend about his doctor advises on starting to have intercourse again? Being able to talk together about topics that involve both of you, will establish a new type of intimacy on an emotional level. Also, there are many ways of making love.  If your bf's cyst hasn't yet healed, then another way of both increasing your emotional intimacy and learning different love making suggestions, is to read about these together with him. I hope the two of you enjoy learning new ways of intercourseually taking care of one another, while developing more emotional closeness in the process. " +"I'm applying to private high schools. I'm playing basketball on my school team currently, and I love it. I also play on a team that I've hated since the beginning, and I finally want to quit before the season gets started. However, my parents say I can play on either both teams or neither. I think it's unfair because it's up to me if I want to play for a certain team. I was planning on playing basketball for the high school I get into, but if that means continuing to play for the team I hate, then I wouldn't want to play in high school. Now I don't know what to do! My parents are threatening to send me off to a different home if I don't play. I just want to run away."," The situation in your family seems to place unnecessary pressure on you. Are you and your parents able to talk together about their reason for their standard? Are your parents willing to listen to your reasons to not play on the team you hate? If yes, then maybe some type of compromise is possible for all of you to negotiate. If none of the above is possible, then you may want to get specific and direct advice from a professional, such as the school guidance counselor or psychologist, whom you'd trust and feel safe in talking. I hope you and your parents will find an answer that all of you are happy to accept. " +"I had to go to the emergency room today to get an X-ray of my spine. My boyfriend didn't want to sit there and wait with me. Instead, he wanted to go do things for his friends while I waited. When I was done, he was twenty minutes late in picking me up. He doesn't understand why I'm mad, and we keep bickering at each other over the smallest things. He thinks I don't have a reason to be mad, but I believe that I do.","It is extremely frustrating when our significant other doesn't understand our points of view. Often times, arguments are not the best opportunities to try and make a point, as strong emotions can get in the way of understanding others' perspectives.  Try having a discussion with him about what is bothering you during a time when neither if you are upset or arguing. Communicate how you feel without placing blame and without yelling. Addionally, give him ideas of what he can do differently so that he understands what your expectations are. Lastly, consider seeing a couple's therapist who can assist with teaching more effective communication techniques. Best of luck. " +"I'm a male in my 20s. My girlfriend is in her late 30s. She's great. She's funny and smart, she has a big heart, and we have an excellent intercourse life. She recently moved in with me partially because she wanted to and partially because she had no place to go. We fight a lot. It's mostly my fault, I must admit. She doesn't like my insecurity and lack of trust I have for her. I have trust issues. Also, I can't fathom why a woman like her is with me, so I'm always dreading when a better dude will come along. I don't think she's happy. She's very submissive and she loves me very much, but also the fact that she has nowhere to go must be influencing her decision to stay. I love her so much, but my jealousy is not likely to diminish. I never believed in the whole ""If you love them, let them go,"" but I do now. I really want her to be happy. Should I end it with her? She has no place to go so I feel like I can't break up with her. I'm literally trapped.","It sounds like there are assumptions being made regarding how she feels about you and why she is with you. I would not suggest breaking up with her without first attempting to resolve your own issues. You may not only regret your decision, but might find that the exact same problem arises in future relationships. I would recommend seeing a therapist who can help you figure out what is at the root of all of this. By learning about your own insecurities and where they come from, you can expect to discover new ways of responding and relating to others, which will likely impact your relationship in a positive manner." +"I am in high school and have been facing anxiety issues lately. Whenever I get close to being in a relationship, some kind of anxiety takes over and keeps me from the relationship. This anxiety causes me depression at times and even makes me want to vomit. While a semi-relationship should be joyous, for me, it's an emotional nightmare I can't get to the bottom of. I've had this before and had to leave the semi-relationship to avoid throwing up every time I made contact with my crush. What could be the reason behind this? Is it massive nerve problems? Is it a fear of a bad relationship? + +While I'm not quite ready to be in one anyway, I want to get to the bottom of this for a brighter future in which I can be in one. I don't take medications and have no desire to, I have read forums, and I've talked about the issue with my sister who has faced similar problems."," Hi Helena, I felt a bit sad when I read this. This is a new term for me... ""semi-relationship"". What does it mean? I know that today's culture for young people is more of a ""hook-up"" culture than a dating one. Maybe that means that you develop connections to people but you keep yourself from hoping for a full relationship because no one is doing that anymore. That makes me feel sad. I hear a lot of young women (I'm not sure you're female, but that's my guess) say that they struggle with hook-ups because they can't let themselves hope for a phone call after a hook-up. Research tells us that, after a hook-up, college age women tend to feel used and unworthy, and men tend to feel guilty. I think this scenario works better for men than women, but many of both genders are left unsatisfied in the end. This is only one possible explanation for your anxiety...that your gut knows that it wants to feel fully coupled with someone but you struggle with whether it's okay to want or expect that. Maybe take a moment and listen to anxiety. Anxiety tends to try to convince us that something's wrong with us or something bad's going to happen. Anxiety sometimes prefers to stay vague (it's more difficult to refute it then), but you can try to clarify it's whisperings by asking yourself these questions: What am I afraid of? What is the worst thing that might happen here? Then what might happen, and what would be the worst part of that? Keep going until you find the very worst thing that might happen? Might someone not want you...might you feel rejected...or feel not good enough...you might get hurt? Then when you find that core fear, you can look at your life and I bet you'd find a place where that idea or fear originated. A big moment (or many smaller ones) when you actually DID feel or get rejected or abandoned or hurt. In the end, it's a feeling you're trying to avoid (not life or relationship), and anxiety is trying to help you avoid it by making you overcautious. But this doesn't work for you! Good! With the help of a qualified therapist, you can learn to talk back to anxiety and move forward in life and love with calm. confidence. " +"I had to go to the emergency room today to get an X-ray of my spine. My boyfriend didn't want to sit there and wait with me. Instead, he wanted to go do things for his friends while I waited. When I was done, he was twenty minutes late in picking me up. He doesn't understand why I'm mad, and we keep bickering at each other over the smallest things. He thinks I don't have a reason to be mad, but I believe that I do."," Hi Moore, Underneath all your anger is a lot of hurt. The hurt is there because you are being disrespected. Your boyfriend (unless you've only told me a small, disproportionate part of the bigger picture) doesn't tend to treat you like you're important and he dismisses your emotions. This is happening because this is the level of ability (disability?) he has right now in a relationship. You can expect more of this behaviour (because that's who he is; it has nothing to do with you), and I hope you think carefully about whether it's working for you to be in this.  You could try telling him that you are hurt, because people tend to listen more to hurt than to anger, but my guess is with him it might not make a difference. I hope you talk to someone who knows and supports you about how you're feeling in this relationship.  " +"I just got married with my husband. I have four kids of my own, and he accepts me with my kids. I am thankful he loves my kids even though they're not his. Now we are having problems in our relationship because of my past. I know all marriages have problems, but sometimes I feel it's not going to work out if there's no trust. It's hard for me to let go because I love him, but I am getting tired."," Hi Louisiana, You say that the problems are with your ""past"", but my hunch is the problems are about his insecurity and his personal barriers to trust (unless you've recently revealed details of a sordid past?). You don't mention ever having hurt the trust in the relationship. Trust is the first stage in a relationship. Moving forward before they develop trust is a common mistake couples make, and now you two have involved children in a relationship that's missing a crucial element. But you didn't see this coming, did you? That's because only as we become emotionally intimate do our deeper fears and insecurities come to the surface.  I give you credit for wanting it to work, and I believe you would benefit from the support of a therapist in working through the kinks related to trust. Good luck! " +"I'm supposed to stay here the rest of my academic life, but I've never liked it here, not even before I came. I've never felt like I belong, I've missed my country every second in the past four months, and I'm just miserable. I'm gaining weight, doing nothing, and crying for hours straight. Is it time to go back home or is it just culture shock?"," It sounds like you are feeling very unsure and out of place and the prospect of continuing to feel as you do now for the remainder of schooling seems daunting. Without getting to know more about you and your experiences here and at home, it is hard to say what you should do, however, I think exploring these things with a competent therapist may help you to discover the answer. " +"Hello, I have a cousin in my family who has been making me feel belittled, insecure, and frustrated during her stay here in the city. I know she comes from a place of love, but she has always been short-fused and highly temperamental if something doesn't work out the way she planned it. I have tried my best to coordinate plans with her, but she always ends up frustrated about the lack of communication I seem to have on my part and then makes condescending comments about my character that include: inconsiderate, negative, oblivious, and self consumed. + +I have tried to talk to her openly about this, but it always comes back as an attack on my character and I have never heard these comments from anyone else before. I have been thinking a lot about her comments and whether I truly am an inconsiderate person who is not thoughtful, spatially aware of surroundings/people, or positive, but in the end, I am feeling awfully hurt about how this has affected our relationship. + +What can I do?"," It sounds like you are feeling pretty criticized by your cousin and at the same time you are wondering whether or not there is some truth in what she is saying. It also sounds like you would like to see if you can find a new way to relate to your cousin, so that your relationship can be more satisfying. If you can find a competent therapist to work with, there may be a great deal of opportunity to learn more about how you relate to people in the world and to learn strategies to show up in your relationship with your cousin in a way that feels right to you. " +"I've worked with this guy for about three years now, and I knew the first time I saw him that I was attracted. Over time, he became a very dear friend, and we talked about our relationship problems, family, dreams, and so on. There was always flirtation with us, and one day pretty recently, it progressed to making out. We agreed to keep it quiet, and we did, but in the back of my mind, I hoped it would become something more. It didn't, and three months later, I'm still not over it. + +I'm trying so hard to maintain the friendship because that's what he wants. We're no longer in the same office, which I thought would help me get over these feelings, but we still talk about work, and he's constantly touching me, so I'm still very drawn to him. He's a hugger and such a sweet guy, so I find myself fantasizing all the time about what could have been and what could still be, but he's clearly not interested. He's younger than me and prefers model types, but I see him checking me out a lot, which gives me hope. How do I get him out of my system and still maintain the friendship?"," It sounds like you have mixed feelings and motivations - which is understandable. On the one hand you want to get over him, on the other you are still holding out hope for something more. It will be really hard to let go of him and create friend boundaries so long as there is a part of you holding on to the idea of something more. If you are being really honest with yourself you might need to acknowledge that you are not really striving to get him out of your system - that you have not really given up hope of having a relationship with him. If you are whole-heartedly committed to moving past the intercourseual and romantic parts of your relationship and just having a friendship than refraining from all the touching would be a good place to start. It is hard to ""just be friends"" when all your intercourse and bonding hormones are coursing through your veins.  " +"How do I make myself happy without the people who made me happy? Now that they're gone, I feel sad. It's been two months now but I seem to be unable to stay okay and independent."," It sounds like you have been feeling pretty down, since the loss of a relationship, and you're wondering how to be happy by yourself. Intimacy is a very natural human desire and at the same time learning to enjoy ourselves, even when we are alone, can strengthen our ability to lead a satisfying life in and out of relationship. Working with a therapist, you may be able to gain insight into how you show up in your relationships with yourself and others and discover more fulfilling ways to do so. " +I'm unemployed just relocated. I can't get approved for a place to live because of past mistakes which follow me to this day. I'm depressed and on the verge of loosing my partner because I'm overwhelmed and have trouble functioning on a daily basis. I see no light at the end of this tunnel and need some help. I see no point in this chaos infested joke some call life.," It sounds like you are feeling like things are hopeless and out of control and you're not sure what to do about it. If you can find a competent therapist to work with, together you may be able to come up with some strategies for alleviating the overwhelming distress that you are experiencing and gain some insight into what may be contributing to these challenges. Additionally, a therapist may be able to support you in getting back on your feet in regards to work, a place to live, and showing up with your partner in a way that will be more satisfying to you. " +"That phrase makes me crazy. It happens anytime I point out something to my husband that he needs to change, such as looking up from his iPad long enough for me to tell him the grandbaby almost pulled the shelf unit over or explaining to him that I got all the things he needs to bake a pie. Another example is when he opens the front door, the dog runs out if he doesn't pick him up. Over and over again, he lets the dog run out, and I am afraid he will get hit by a car."," I empathize with your feeling ""crazy"" hearing your husband yell ""enough"" in response to you wanting to make a point to him. When the immediate situation has calmed down,  have you ever told him that this upsets you?   Is it possible he simply is not aware that you feel upset by how he talks to you? Keep in mind too that what you believe your husband must change, may not agree with his opinion on what he needs to change. A helpful starting place for the two of you to discuss once the immediate situation has calmed down, is what you each feel would have been a reasonable way of handling the situation that just happened. By learning more about how the other person thinks and feels, it will be easier to know what to expect form each other. Even if you disagree about what is best, knowing that there are differences between you may make living with them easier to accept, or at least not be surprised and startled by them. Sending good luck to both of you! " +"My boyfriend moved in with me a few months ago. I love him, but his dog is wrecking my house. Every day we get home, there is a huge mess on the floor, and several things will be ripped up (including the couch). He's slowly eating all of the doors, and there will be food and poop everywhere. Even though I come home during all of my breaks to take him out, he still poops and pees in the house every chance. I can't financially afford to have the dog wrecking my house. I've tried talking to my boyfriend about the dog to try and come up with a solution, but it never ends well. The dog is the only thing we fight about because I want him out of the house and my boyfriend doesn't want to see him go. It's not the dog fault though; I understand that. The dog is only a year old, and he isn't a bad dog. He's just too big of a dog for where he is; he should be a farm dog instead of a town dog. I don't hate the dog, but I just can't afford to continue having my house torn to pieces."," Every living creature needs time and support to adjust to a new situation. The dog is in a new place without the ability to understand the reason.  This may explain what sounds like the dog's agitation.   Have you spoken with your boyfriend on his opinion on how to address the dog behavior problems? Finding an answer together would be a good way of making your relationship stronger.  A lot of being a couple who live together is talking, listening and deciding together on how to handle major situations. If it is affordable, then a dog behaviorist may be of great help.  The person would guide you in working with the dog to become calmer. " +"It has been going on more often lately, but not all the time. It has been starting to affect my driving, among other things.", It's important to make an appointment with a neurologist and ophthalmologist ASAP for evaluation. There are medical conditions that can create this effect. +"I'm a teenager, and I struggle with going out and talking to people. I feel awful about leaving home. I know I can't afford a therapist so I don't know what my problem is, but I think I might have social anxiety."," If you are noticing that anxiety tends to be triggered around interactions with others, then you may have social anxiety. Working with a therapist, you may be able to gain insight into the nature of the anxiety, develop tools for coping with it, and take steps that may alleviate it over time, so that you can enjoy your interactions with others. If you are short on money, there still may be options for you to be able to see a therapist. Check with your insurance provider about your behavioral health coverage. If you have medicaid/apple care, there are some private practice therapists who accept this form of insurance, as well as community clinics which do. If you are not insured, some therapists and clinics will work on a sliding fee scale, and accept either low fee or may even work with you pro-bono (for free). " +"People who are parental figures in my life have, in the past, hurt me, and some continue to do so. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough for my husband or the life he provides me. I have had jobs, but I am going through a lot of my past garbage and trying to figure out when it all went wrong. Any time I bring these things up, I am expected to be over the issue. These are people that you can't just cut out, but I have never received apologies for so much of my pain. I don't know what to do any more. I don't know who I am anymore."," It sounds like you have been thinking about how past hurts have influenced you, and when you try to talk about these hurts with people in your life, you are feeling invalidated. It also sounds like current conflicts are continuing to leave you feeling hurt and devalued. In working with a therapist, you may be able to get some clarity about your past, who you are, and what kinds of boundaries you want in your relationships, so that you can lead a life that is more satisfying to you. " +"That phrase makes me crazy. It happens anytime I point out something to my husband that he needs to change, such as looking up from his iPad long enough for me to tell him the grandbaby almost pulled the shelf unit over or explaining to him that I got all the things he needs to bake a pie. Another example is when he opens the front door, the dog runs out if he doesn't pick him up. Over and over again, he lets the dog run out, and I am afraid he will get hit by a car."," It's hard to say what is okay and what is not okay, as it depends on what you and your husband feel is appropriate in your relationship. If you are feeling like you need to walk on eggshells or that you can't speak your mind and say how you feel, then that sounds like a problem. I would recommend having an open discussion with your husband about communication between the two of you in general. Do this during a time when there is little or no conflict and emotions are not heightened. Let him know how you feel and give him specific ideas of how you would like him to respond instead of saying, ""enough."" Additionally, try and see his perspective and understand why he shuts you down. Perhaps, he feels like he is being told what to do constantly or that he gets little positive feedback from you. An open dialogue about how to discuss issues going forward will likely help. Seeing a couple's therapist will also greatly assist with teaching better communication skills and seeing if there are underlying issues that need resolution. Best of luck to you guys. " +"My fiancée suffers from severe anxiety and depression. She has had it most of her life. Her anxiety in public places is the worst. It gets to points where she can't breathe or move. Sometimes, she won't even go to the restroom, so she will hold in her pee until her stomach hurts or she pees herself. She curls up in corners at the mall and has panic attacks. She won't eat or drink in public. If she isn't having a panic attack or crying, she's clinging to me and avoiding everything and everyone. Her depression flares up out of nowhere and causes her to become very suicidal and self-harming. She get really sick from anxiety and scared to the point that I can't even get her to eat, drink, leave the bed, or go outside. She always tells me how she grew up around so much fighting and fear that it makes her scared of loud sounds, yelling, conflict, and even talking to strangers in public. She will refuse to go to a store unless I am with her to talk to the cashier for her. She is so scared that I can't even get her to drive. She doesn't want to get her license because she's scared of trying to drive. + +Some people have recommended medication, but I believe it's just going to cover up her illness and not solve it. I don't want my fiancée pumped with drugs. I believe a psychiatric service dog would be the best bet for her. When we first met my poodle, it would calm her down a lot. She took the dog out every time we went out, and she seemed much calmer and happier. She slowly would eat, and the dog seemed to make her feel a lot better. I am worried and want to help her without medication."," It sounds like you have been a positive support for your fiancee. There is no doubt that this situation is a great challenge for the both of you. While it may feel like you are responsible for her health and happiness, it is important that you understand that you, on your own, won't be able to resolve her mental health issues. Based on what you have explained, it sounds like she needs to get a medical and/or psychiatric evaluation. Whether or not she decides to take medication is her (and your) decision, but keeping an open mind about treatment options is important. I suggest that she see a therapist on her own in order to better understand and cope with her anxiety and depression, especially given her suicidal thoughts. You would also likely benefit from therapy, individual or couple's therapy, in order to address how you are feeling and best learn how to support her and your relationship. I wish the very best for both of you and hope that things will improve sooner than later. " +"My husband and I got into a huge dispute. He said he wanted a divorce, and I left. I still come home a lot and see my kids, and he has not filed yet even though he still said he is. What does that mean for our marriage?"," In any relationship, including marriage, each partner will be better able to do their part, by understanding their own interests and wishes. Concentrate more on what you'd like from your marriage.  This will naturally raise the questions and criteria of what to talk with your husband about and what to ask of him. Think over whether you wish to divorce or not. Since he hasn't taken any action, then for the moment, you can assume he is not sure of what he wants. Once you feel a little more clear on your opinion about your marriage, including feeling uncertain if you'd like it to end or continue, then you will be able to tell your husband the suggestions you have for resolving the dispute matter and emotions. Try to re-direct your speculations about, ""what does he want"", ""I wonder what he's thinking"", back to answering these very reasonable questions, about yourself. This will strengthen your own purpose in clarifying where to start and guide a discussion with him. Good luck! " +I don't know what to say. I have never really known who I am.,Therapy may be an effective way for you to get a stronger sense of who you are. A competent therapist will work to create a safe and curious therapeutic relationship in which you can explore your identity. There are also many different exercises which you can do in and out of therapy which you may find helpful in this area as well. +"I feel that I need to end my present relationship. He lives three hours away and likes the reassurance of having someone to talk to multiple times per day and seeing me once or twice a month. I want someone who is more present and more of a life companion. +Lately, he has had a very busy work schedule and I have only seen him a few times in the last 6 weeks. I told him that I can't continue in this way because I constantly feel frustrated and angry and that he is not making the relationship enough of a priority. I also feel it is keeping me from possibly finding the relationship I want. +We have been together 7 years. The problem is that I panic and experience anxiety and depression thinking of him with someone else and then thinking I will never meet someone I like. We have gone through this cycle already 4-5 times and I feel it is unhealthy to stay in it, but my aversion to the anxiety and depression I experience upon separation always leads me to reconcile."," It sounds like you have some insight into the cycle that you describe with your current relationship and at the same time you are still feeling stuck. It also sounds like the distressing feelings that you experience, when you imagine what will happen for you and your current partner, are pretty overwhelming. A competent therapist may be able to help you work through these difficult thoughts and feelings and find a resolution to this cycle that will feel right to you. " +"I have a lot of issues going on right now. First of all, I have a lot of trouble sleeping at times, while other nights I sleep too much and still feel quite tired. I'm also noticing increased irritability and experiencing anxiety attacks that last for hours. Is there something wrong with me and if so what should I do?"," It sounds like you are noticing yourself becoming overwhelmed with anxiety, feeling more irritable, and struggling to sleep consistently. There are many possibilities, in regards to what may be contributing to these things you are noticing, and a competent therapist may be able to help. In therapy, you may be able to gain insight into these experiences as well as develop strategies for coping with and eventually alleviating anxiety, irritability, and inconsistent sleep. " +I am really worried about one of my friends because I think he has major depression. He disagrees with me on that. He is shut off when it comes to talking to people and telling them how he really feels. He told me he feels empty inside and the only emotions he feels are anger and sadness. I suggested to him to get help and talk to his mom about it but he refuses.,"First of all, I can tell that you really care about your friend and I think it's great that you are reaching out with your concern. It's hard to determine whether your friend would meet the criteria for an official diagnosis of depression without working with him, however, whether he does or not, therapy may be beneficial for him in working through these difficult feelings and relational challenges. Unfortunately, you can't make your friend get help. He will ultimately need to make that decision for himself, however, you can talk to him about your concerns and your hopes that he will reach out for help. " +I think about death all the time because I feel so alone. I want someone to love and someone to love me.," Hi Ohio, I'm so glad you reached out. I urge you to talk to someone close to you, today, about your feelings, and to also seek professional help for your serious thoughts and feelings. We want you to be safe, and your depression is treatable. Loneliness is so painful, and when we feel lonely, this can lead to fears that we are not worthy of love or that the world is just a cold and lonely place. Neither are truths; only thoughts. Once we have fears like this though, we start to pull away from people, the fears keep us isolated, which makes the thoughts worse, and the cycle continues.  We all have a place in this world. We all have value, we all deserve love, and there are safe, wonderful people out there waiting to meet you and care for you.  Can you take a moment right now to become more in touch with three things? First, who in your life, if they were sitting beside you right now, would say ""wait a minute...I love you!"" What is the evidence that you are already cared about? Then ask yourself ""what is the evidence that I am lovable?"" What qualities do you have that make you a good friend or person? The third question is ""what tells you the world is a good place?"" What evidence do you see that there are people out there who care about others?  Please reach out to someone today as you ask yourself those questions. I wish you the best.  " +"I like getting attention from men. I don't have intercourse. I lead them on to thinking I might want to. I like to tease, I like for men to chase me, and I like to feel wanted."," Hi Michigan, Good for you for recognising a destructive pattern. This behaviour, although it might get you the attention you want initially, will ultimately drive men away because it's not respectful of them. My gut says that you learned early on in life that your value is in your intercourseuality alone. That's a powerful thought. You are certainly acting as if this is true. If you believed in your value as a person, you would be less afraid of deeper relationships and intimacy in general.  If I were your therapist, I'd have many questions for you and I would need to understand a lot of things about you and your past to help you sort out where this idea about yourself came from. I'd suggest reaching out to a qualified therapist who can help you get to the root of this behaviour. Good luck! " +"I feel that I am struggling with undiagnosed bipolar disorder, and it is making my day-to-day life extremely difficult.","It sounds like you are experiencing a great deal of distress and you're wondering if it may meet a diagnosis of Bipolar disorder. There are a few different types of Bipolar diagnoses in the DSM (diagnositc and statistical manual) and the best way to find out if your experiences would meet that diagnosis would be to meet with a mental health professional. You can also look up the diagnosis online and see if what you are going through meets the criteria. One question that I would have for you is, what would it mean for you to find out that you meet the criteria for such a diagnosis? It sounds like whether or not you do, you are suffering and working with a therapist may help you get into a better place. " +"I never feel like myself. I can't even think straight anymore. I start stuttering and I can't remember anything. I always get nervous and usually talk myself down but recently end up fighting with, what feels like, someone else. I don't know why I feel this way, but I hate it."," What you are describing sounds like it may be a form of dissociation. Dissociation is our mind's way of disconnecting us from aspects of our experience in an attempt to protect us in overwhelming situations. It also sounds like you are noticing anxiety in certain situations. In working with a competent therapist, you may be able to gain insight into these experiences, learn skills for coping with anxiety and reconnecting with yourself, and alleviate these symptoms over time. " +"I find that I imagine things intercourseually, and I hate it because it puts strain on my relationship. I feel helpless and guilty. I want it to go away, and I want to make my woman happy again."," It is completely understandable that you would like to find a way to make these intrusive thoughts go away, however, your feeling that you can't control having these thoughts is accurate. It's also understandable that you would feel helpless and guilty, given that you see how these thoughts are effecting your relationship, though I would encourage you to go easy on yourself and remember that you aren't choosing to have these thoughts. I'm sure that if there was a switch to turn them off, you would flip it. There is no magic technique or pill that can guarantee these thoughts will go away, however, therapy may still have a lot to offer. In working with a competent therapist, you may be able to gain insight into where these thoughts are coming from and develop new ways of relating to them so that they do not leave you feeling as helpless and guilty and can be more present with your partner. Though there is no guarantee that the thoughts will go away, this may also be a result of work with a therapist. Either way, you may be able to find a way to deal with the thoughts and show up in your relationship in a way that will be satisfying to you and your partner. " +I think about death all the time because I feel so alone. I want someone to love and someone to love me.," Feeling alone and/or isolated is almost always associated with being depressed. As humans, we need connection and interaction with others in order to feel satisfied. Given that you are frequently thinking about death, I highly recommend that you see a mental health professional as soon as possible to help assess your immediate needs and address any underlying issues that may be contributing to your feelings of loneliness and depression.  The good news is that with proper, consistent treatment and commitment to change, things can really turn around for you. A therapist can work with you on building enjoyable activities into your daily routine, change maladaptive thought patterns that contribute to your sadness, and help with exploring what has gotten you to where you are. By learning about where your sadness originates, engaging in preferred activities, and changing your thought patterns, you should begin feeling relief from the burden of depression. What will likely result, is further opportunity to find social outlets and an increased ability to connect with others.  Don't give up. Create some short terms goals that you can likely achieve and make your treatment a priority and a focus. You have already taken the first step in getting better by writing to this site. Keep on this path and believe in yourself. Best of luck to you! " +"I am a teenager, and my brother is a few years older. He has a girlfriend who is always with him. He never hangs out with me anymore. We were really close, and it is making me really sad."," It is always hard when we feel as if we are losing somebody close to us. Feeling sad over these losses are normal. While there may be some things you can do to remedy this situation, it is important that you try and understand that part of life is change. The fact that your brother doesn't spend as much time with you doesn't mean that he loves you less or doesn't care about you. It most likely means that he is having to split his time between different people and priorities. I suggest that you communicate with him how you feel. Perhaps, ask him if he would be able to set up times that the two of you can hang out, without anyone else present. Addionally, it wouldn't hurt for you to also find some other ways to spend your time away from him. Now might be the perfect opportunity to pick up a new hobby or hang out with different peers. Keeping yourself distracted in healthy ways and processing your feelings of sadness will likely help with lifting your mood. Good luck to you! " +"I've been hurt by a man for five years. He doesn't involve me with the family or kids. Everyone in the family is against me. There is a Mass today for a family member, and he never asked me to go. I'm to sit home alone now and Christmas too. He expects me to sit alone while he enjoys being with the family. We are in our 50s, and it hurts that he won't even think of me or involve me as part of the family. He doesn't even care. I am leaving him as soon as possible, but I hurt so bad that I didn't know who to turn too. I'm now in this low funk of depression, and I'm scared because I do stupid things to myself and give up. I have no friends because I was a truck driver. I've been getting serious headaches and can't sleep. I don't eat; I've lost my appetite. This has been going on for a couple weeks now."," Hi Florida, I get the sense that, aside from this relationship, you're quite isolated in general. It's sad that you're feeling excluded at Christmastime and family events. While I would suggest that you don't really know what he or his family are thinking or feeling (you assume they're against you, and that he doesn't care), he is certainly behaving in a very distant, excluding manner and it's understandable that you would feel rejected and hurt.  How long has this part been happening? Has he always acted this way, or is it more recent? Did something happen recently? You mentioned doing ""stupid things to yourself"", and I don't know what that means. If you are engaging in self-harm he may be confused about what to do and he might need some time to think and be separate but is having trouble talking about this. Part of the problem, of course, is that you don't know what's going on for him. Certainly, you deserve the truth, and if he doesn't want to spend time with you, I would hope he would be honest. Have you been open to hearing the truth from him? Is there any reason for him to hesitate to tell you why he's being distant? Maybe you could ask him, if you are ready to hear. I'm glad to hear that you believe that you deserve a full, loving relationship, although it seems that moving forward might be difficult for you. Is it possible your happiness is a bit too dependant on this man? I'm just guessing, based on what you've said here.   It seems that it's possible your situation has led to some depression, and I would recommend a session with a qualified therapist to help you sort this out. You will need support, even if the relationship is repaired. Best of luck.  " +"I found out today that my wife is cheating on me. I love her, but she won't tell the truth even when I have proof. When I beg her to tell the truth, she yells, cusses, and gets a huge attitude."," Hi Prattville,  I'm sorry this is happening to you. You need support right now, and yes, you need answers. She is in denial and is trying to hide the truth, to protect herself. This is a natural behaviour. You don't indicate whether she wants the marriage, or is planning to leave. Which way you go from here depends in part on the answer to that question.  If she wants the marriage, you certainly have the right to say ""I need answers to all my questions"". Giving you the information she needs has to be (if she wants the marriage) more important than protecting herself. I would support your right to advocate for all the information you need in order to feel secure or make decisions. She may fear that the truth will turn you away. If you want to, you can reassure her that you want the marriage no matter what the truth is. If the marriage is to survive, it needs openness. If, on the other hand, she's planning to end the marriage, then you might want to resign yourself to the fact that you may never get the information you seek. You are better off, in that case, seeking support from friends and family rather than beating on a closed door.  Your wife has some decisions to make. Try to give her a bit of time to make them. You can patiently say ""I know this thing is happening. Talk to me so we can deal with it together. I want to move forward but I need the truth."" Only time (and a good therapist, if she is willing and wants the marriage) will tell which way this one will go. Individually, you can seek professional help as well.  " +"I never get infections or scars or anything, and it doesn't bother me if it gets filled up with blood or something, but I'm concerned."," Hi Houston, The fact that you're concerned says a lot. If I was your therapist I'd ask you questions about your worries and how this is causing a problem in your life. You're causing perhaps permanent changes (damage?) to your body, and it's likely you're trying to express something...pain maybe? A therapist can help you to explore what's going on for you and how to get your needs for self-expression met in a more healthy way. Good luck! " +"I never feel like myself. I can't even think straight anymore. I start stuttering and I can't remember anything. I always get nervous and usually talk myself down but recently end up fighting with, what feels like, someone else. I don't know why I feel this way, but I hate it."," Hi Houston, Okay, something's definitely going on, right? My gut is to start with your family physician, because you have some physical symptoms. While it seems anxiety is a likely problem here, your doctor will hopefully know your history and can help you decide if you need some medical tests or some therapy. Without knowing more, that's all I can say at this point. Best of luck.  " +"I am a teenager, and my brother is a few years older. He has a girlfriend who is always with him. He never hangs out with me anymore. We were really close, and it is making me really sad."," Hi Zionsville. It's so sweet that you have a special relationship with your brother. You will ALWAYS have that, you know? He's doing what's natural at his age...spreading his wings and looking for love. You may be heading into that zone soon too, but I get that it's weird that he's there before you, and you miss him. Try to respect your brother's autonomy, wish him well, be friendly with his girlfriend, and it's also okay to say ""Hey, bro, I'm still here. When can we hang out!?"" " +"I have lately been having lots of anxiety and self-loathing about the fact that I am a young adult virgin girl who has never had a boyfriend before. It seems like everyone my age has already had boyfriends by now or are not virgins anymore, and I just had my first kiss five months ago. I'm worried that, at this rate, I won't have a boyfriend for a very long time. The problem is that I want to lose my virginity to my first boyfriend who cares about me, but at the same time, I don't want to be waiting forever in order to experience intercourse. I have already given in to bad temptations by hooking up with random strangers on social media sites and having oral intercourse with them. Luckily, they were nice guys, but none of them wanted a relationship with me. I feel dirty by doing this, but I feel pressured to do this things in order to seem normal. + +Most people are surprised when they find out that I am a virgin or never had a boyfriend because people think I am really good looking. I am tall, I play lots of sports, and I get excellent grades in school. I am in my first year of university right now, and no guys have approached me to go out on a date or showed any interest. It bothers me. Most of the people in my family have been in relationships at my age already. I feel like I will be single forever sometimes."," I think one of the first questions that springs to mind for me is, ""what's the rush?""  Just because other people in your circle have had experiences that you are still warming up to does not mean that there's something wrong or something to be ashamed of.  If anything, I want to commend you on the self-respect you have in wanting to wait and share this most intimate of experiences with someone that will feel the same way about it.   One of the most common distortions in our thinking is when we try to directly compare ourselves to others; while these people and even those in your family share a level of closeness to you they are not exactly like you - they don't see or feel things in the exact same way as you nor do they share the exact same perspective. It's important to be making choices for you and for your own desires and life goals.  Once you stop comparing your happiness, you may find that you are already experiencing it and allow more of your guard to fall down.  " +"At school, it feels like I've lost all my friends, and I've been really weird with my sleeping patterns. I used to cut myself, and I really want to again, but I change in the locker rooms because I don't want anybody to see. I get ticked off easy and overreact. At night, I'm very depressed and listen to sad music and all that sort of stuff. Please help me. I just want to be happy again, and I feel like I'm starting to fake a smile at school."," As silly as it may sound, making sure that we are getting the right amount of *restful* sleep is very important when we are feeling low.  The reason for this is the lack of proper sleep significantly affects our ability to problem solve and critically evaluate our situation and can lead to a domino effect in our thinking.   I know you feel that you may be losing your friendships, but what are the facts that have led to this belief? Really ask yourself, ""are they facts?"" or are they your perspective on events.  In regards to your coping behaviours at night, it sounds very isolating and also very silenced.  As opposed to the sad music, why not try all music, allowing yourself to experience the wide breadth of emotions that are circling within you.  One of the other recommendations I would make would be to try and journal about some of those thoughts and fears in order to release them in a positively cathartic way.  Some of the behaviours that you have mentioned are a bit more significant, though and I would recommend speaking with someone directly in the near future.  " +"For my whole life, I've been very unconfident, insecure, and self-questioning. I'm super quiet because I'm scared of what people will think of me. I avoid all social situations as it causes me great anxiety. It is how both of my parents have always been, and I feel like I'm doomed to that life also. It makes it super hard for me at work as the other employees try to use me and walk all over me because I'm too nice. It causes me depression and brings me down. I'm in my early twenties, and I really need to create a better life for myself. I've been like this for so long, so how do I change?"," One of the greatest ways that we can promote ourselves s by learning how to assert ourselves.  Despite what most people think of when they hear the word assertive, assertive communication is one of the best ways to manage interpersonal conflict as well as maintain personal boundaries.  Once we become comfortable with acknowledging our boundaries, there is usually a follow-up whereby we realize that we have the right to those boundaries.  In effect, assertiveness communication becomes it's own self-motivating force in managing positive self-esteem. You may want to invest in a workbook that can help you to develop these skills on your own, or work directly with a therapist to develop them in a safe situation.   One of the Workbooks that I have found to be very helpful is, ""The Assertiveness Workbook: How to Express your Ideas and Stand Up for Yourself at Work and in Relationships"" by Randy J Paterson. " +"I'm scared that I am with this man so I won't be alone. He should be with somebody who deserves him if this is the case, and I don't want to hurt him."," While not wanting to be alone may not be the best reason to be in a relationship, it is probably more common and normal a reason than you think.  Since you seem to care about your friend (""don't want to hurt him""), I imagine there are many other reasons that you are together.  I suggest that you talk about this open-heartedly with each other.  The idea of being afraid of being alone sounds like an honest starting place.  Don't try to ""figure out"" whether you should be with him.  Just talk.  The communication is likely to shine light on deepening connection for BOTH OF YOU. In the meantime, your idea that you don't deserve him is rooted in a ""core lie"" that you are telling yourself.  You can read about ""core lies"" and much more in my book, Living Yes, a Handbook for Being Human.  Check out www.LivingYes.org. Be easy on yourself.  You are deserving! ~Mark " +"My mom and I have been fighting a lot now, and I just want a good relationship with her."," The best way to work on a relationship is for both people to engage with the problem and start communicating with each other more effectively.  One of the hardest things about this, however, is getting both people within the relationship to recognize that they are both responsible for the successes and failures within the relationship and remove all the all-or-nothing blame.  The best style of communication is open and asking for clarification; why not try asking your mother why this particular fight/situation is eliciting such an angry response.  Often, the simple act of expressing that we don't understand the other person's point of view can open the doors to better levels of communication. The hardest part is trying to remain humble as we seek out that clarification and avoid the blaming language we are so used to using in such times.  " +"I have lately been having lots of anxiety and self-loathing about the fact that I am a young adult virgin girl who has never had a boyfriend before. It seems like everyone my age has already had boyfriends by now or are not virgins anymore, and I just had my first kiss five months ago. I'm worried that, at this rate, I won't have a boyfriend for a very long time. The problem is that I want to lose my virginity to my first boyfriend who cares about me, but at the same time, I don't want to be waiting forever in order to experience intercourse. I have already given in to bad temptations by hooking up with random strangers on social media sites and having oral intercourse with them. Luckily, they were nice guys, but none of them wanted a relationship with me. I feel dirty by doing this, but I feel pressured to do this things in order to seem normal. + +Most people are surprised when they find out that I am a virgin or never had a boyfriend because people think I am really good looking. I am tall, I play lots of sports, and I get excellent grades in school. I am in my first year of university right now, and no guys have approached me to go out on a date or showed any interest. It bothers me. Most of the people in my family have been in relationships at my age already. I feel like I will be single forever sometimes."," It is very hard to want a loving relationship, and either see or imagine all around you, the great times other couples are having. Extra hard is that other people's comments may start giving you the sense that you are letting them down to not have a relationship! All the fantasies that develop from viewing Facebook photos and imagining everyone or most people in ideal relationships, just augments any frustration of not being part of this group. Your post sounds like you're being true to yourself and honoring who you are really, by developing clear standards of what you'd expect from a relationship. For the longterm, whatever develops in your relationship life, you will always be able to look back and know you had self-integrity.  By being your natural self, you're being attractive.    Probably very unlikely that a young woman who would like a relationship, will never have one. Maybe the young men in your school are not yet emotionally mature enough to know how to see and appreciate you. Even though it may be hard, have patience with bringing in someone who is good for you.   And, continue your keen insight of yourself because it is guiding you to be the best in all areas of living. Sending good luck in all areas! " +"I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about six years now. In the past, our relationship was difficult and frustrating. We argued a lot, and due to that, there was a lot of tension between us. We stayed together because we love each other and wanted to make it work. I used to party a lot, and several times I got into situations where I would end up kissing someone else. These situations were never more than just kissing. I have come clean about these situations with my boyfriend, and he decided to forgive and move forward with me. I love him so much and want to work things out too, but I'm having a difficult time understanding how he can forgive me. I can't seem to forgive myself. I'm overwhelmed with feelings of guilt and unworthiness."," Hi Cerritos, This is an interesting twist because it's more common for the person in your position to want to move forward, and for the person who was wronged to struggle with forgiveness. You are lucky to have a loving, compassionate partner, and your boyfriend is lucky to have a partner who takes full responsibility for their actions.  My hunch is that you learned some things about yourself when you were younger that are playing a role here. Your sense of worthlessness seems out of proportion to the mistakes you made. You don't have to be perfect in order to deserve the love of a good man. You only have to have the maturity to recognise when you've hurt someone and work hard to make it better. Who in your life overreacted to small mistakes you made? Were you shamed as a child? Did you learn that you deserved to be punished? Did something bad happen that you thought was your fault? Is there a mistake you made long ago that you need forgiveness for? There is a younger person inside you waiting to be forgiven for something they weren't entirely responsible for. The bar is too high for you. If I was your therapist, I would work with you to find the source of the shame, and address that wound.  If you want to move forward and be with your boyfriend, your job will be to forgive yourself. Forgiving doesn't mean ""it was okay""; forgiving simply means that it happened, that you can't erase it, and that you don't want to carry it around or punish yourself for it anymore.  You have done many things here that you can feel proud of! You've 'come clean', you've been honest, you've taken responsibility for your actions, you've not tried to minimize what you did, and you've chosen to be more loyal and aware of how you impact your boyfriend. These are all things you can use to build your sense of worth. You are acting very honourably. It's time to put your past mistakes away on the shelf knowing that you've learned from them and are a better person now. It's not our mistakes...not our worst moments that define us...it's how we handle them afterwards. I wish you growth and happiness. " +"When I'm not cutting, I'm drinking. When I try healthy outlets such as exercise, I end up running myself down into an asthma attack. From weapons, to words, I can't help but self harm. What am I supposed to do, how do I stop this cycle? I don't know how else to cope or motivate myself without pain."," It sounds like you are feeling helpless and out of control, you are concerned about your behavior, and at the same time you feel compelled to continue it. In working with a therapist, you may be able to get insight into what is motivating these behaviors, develop strategies for taking care of yourself, and get a stronger sense of who you are motivated to be when you are your authentic self. " +"It's not entirely true to say I enjoy being sad, but I always find a way to feel that way. I listen to sad music, read tragic stories, and, in a twisted way, like how bad it makes me feel. I focus on negative aspects of my life even if they aren't legitimate or I just make it seem negative."," It sounds like you are noticing that you are drawn towards sad and negative content and it's hard to understand why. This may sound counter-intuitive, but sometimes we do things that on the surface may look problematic (or even cause us some real problems) because it serves us in some unseen way. A simple example would be somebody who is addicted to a substance; their addiction may be causing serious problems in their life, and they may even know it, but the addiction serves them by helping them to avoid painful feelings that they anticipate having if they quit using. Now I am not saying that what you describe is an addiction, it is just a really illustrative example of the unseen benefit. One thing I would be wondering about is what is the unseen benefit of seeking out sad and negative content? I'd also be wondering what your relationship is to other feelings. These are things you may benefit from exploring with a competent therapist. " +"I have an ex-boyfriend who just lies about everything. He is super lazy. He lies to everyone that he has a good job, builds trust, and then start borrowing money—and large amounts too. It has come to the point where he has gone through several group of friends. He is leaving a trail behind full of friends in debt because he would put on a sob story, borrow money, then disappear. He refuses to work, so he sits at home playing games all day and either lies to his mom for money or lies to his friends. I used to think his lying was due to his drug habit, but now I'm hearing from other ex-friends of his that this started even before the drugs got into his life. He would borrow anywhere from $5,000 to $50,000 from everyone and it would all disappear. He's in debt with bills. He doesn't gamble, but he spends his money on random stuff. + +Although he has this habit of lying compulsively and spending money, he seems to be a good person. He'll always give a homeless person all his change no matter what. My brother has epilepsy and is really antisocial—my ex-boyfriend makes an actual effort to socialize with my brother. He takes him out to the movies and plays video games with him. He drives me to school and work every day and picks me up—just basically the small things that add up to the fact that he's not totally a horrible human being. Is he just simple a pathological liar or is there something that could possibly be deep down in there?"," It sounds like you have some ambivalent feelings towards your ex-boyfriend that are difficult to sort out. You notice that there are both desirable and undesirable things about him, and this is true of everyone to one degree or another. One question that I would have for you is, are you satisfied with your relationship with him as it currently stands? Are you happy with the boundaries between the two of you, or would you like them to be different? Negotiating through conflict and establishing different boundaries are definitely things you could work on with the help of a therapist. Another question I would have for you is, what would it mean for you to find out what motivates his behavior? Discovering the roots of such behavior is something that he would have to work on in his own therapy and not something that you and a therapist could discover without him. " +"About two and a half months ago, I met a woman on a dating site. We went out on two dates, and then despite her original plans on how to pace and conduct the relationship, I ended up at her house on a the Friday night one week after our first date. We respectfully tried not to have intercourse, but after hours of trying to resist each other, we gave in and we had intercourse. After that, I slept at her house every night for almost two weeks. Then one day, she went to her family's house on Thanksgiving and everything changed. Within the short time we were together, we got so close and serious really fast. We had finally found each other. We told each other that we loved each other all the time, even while we were making love. A few days after Thanksgiving, she told me that we would have to go back to her original plans of seeing each other much less frequently. I was very hurt and didn't understand. Then another week later, she told me she couldn't do it at all anymore. I was crushed! + +A few days later, she tells me how much she's missing me and “let's get together for lunch” or something like that. Then about two weeks later, we finally get together one night and we were so hot for each other (in love, not just intercourse), but she confessed that the reason for the sudden distance was that the father of her very young child told her he wants to get back together and this totally messed with her. So for her child's sake, she is now considering the possibility of allowing that to happen. She had told me all about him previously, and it is definite that she has little to no attraction to him, but she would do this putting herself in misery again for her child. Our love for each other is fully established and acknowledged, but she is torn and confused. She doesn't even think it would work between them as she had to kick him out before for not fulfilling his role properly. I know she needs time, and all I can do is take care of myself. We have agreed to remain friends, and if this doesn't work out for her, we will try again. I'm completely in love with her, and I'm in extreme pain."," Love doesn't hurt. Your description of the relationship so far, is that you are feeling a lot of emotional pain, alongside a deep attraction for this woman. In some relationships, the benefit of what draws us together with someone, is being able to learn more about our own deep sense of who we are, what we value and care about. This sounds more descriptive of your relationship than that it is a loving one.   Your descriptions are of the woman's life, parenting and relationship dilemmas, not about how much of an effort she is willing to make in her life so that the two of you are able to be together for the long term. Try distinguishing your wishes to be loved by this woman with what actually is taking place in everyday life. Being aware of how much love you'd like to give and receive, is valuable self-knowledge. Your ongoing emotional wear and tear of all decisions about the relationship that affect you, being the result of the woman's choices, sounds like the opposite of love. The relationship is very useful as an access in self-understanding of your needs and wishes.  It sounds like this is its main value in your life, not that it is sustainable in reality. Good luck! " +"I have major depression, severe, PTSD, anxiety disorder, and personality disorder. I had an appointment with my doctor. I was very upset, and I shared with him about that particular drug."," Your doctor might be required to tell your psychiatrist - especially if your doctor is concerned about your safety. It was definitely a good thing that you told your primary care physician about what is going on.  I know that must have been difficult to talk about with him.   By having that conversation, you are helping your primary care physician and your psychiatrist work together to best support your health. " +"An organization admitted to implanting thoughts in my head with technologies. The study was to implant a fantasy other people are having, but to me, it's a nightmare. I lost my kids, my job, and all that. I was an unwilling participant. I no longer trust a therapist. I'm too afraid to go under hypnosis or anything."," Given your experience of being imposed upon against your will, and all the personal and professional loss that has come since, your fear of what will happen if you undergo treatment and trust a therapist is understandable. There is no technique or pill that can guarantee these thoughts will go away or be reversed, however, there are things that you can do which may help you to change your relationship to the thoughts and to the distress that they cause. I understand that working with a therapist sounds risky, given your experiences, and at the same time a good therapist may be a beneficial resource in helping you deal with the intrusive thoughts, cope with and alleviate the stress that they create, and perhaps even lead to the alleviation of the thoughts themselves. A therapist may also be able to help you discover strategies to work towards any goals you have around reconnecting with your children and working again. If therapy feels too unsafe at the moment, I would recommend looking into workbooks on how to deal with intrusive thoughts and coping with stress. Some popular approaches that you may want to look into are mindfulness techniques, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. You may even be able to find some of these resources at a library, if affordability is an obstacle. " +"I'm an early 20 something year-old virgin, and my boyfriend is in his early 20s with kids. He's cheated on me twice: once in the beginning and then four months ago. He wasn't use to dating a virgin and broke up with me three times because he wasn't sure. We both work at the same job (where we met) and it's with the girl that works with us. I've been trying to get over it, but now my confidence and self-esteem are low, and sometimes I feel like he'll do it again or that he's not ready to be with me. I think about it all over again when I see her. He says he's in love with me, and with the last time he cheated, it didn't feel right, and that's when he knew he had to stop because his feelings were for me. He's contacted her and told her he will not communicate with her because he's in a relationship with me. + +How do I gain confidence? Should I let him go? If I let him go, I don't want to be sad about it being that we work together. I try to tell myself I'm beautiful every day, and I think I am a pretty attractive female with a great personality, but I don't like the fact that she works there."," Sorry to hear about all the stress in the relationship. You're on the right track by knowing and sticking with your own standards of what qualifies as acceptable behavior by your boyfriend. Since he was the one who broke your trust, he is one in the position of earning back your trust. This is always a basic formula for couple's therapy in which there has been infidelity. Understand within yourself whether you'd like being with your boyfriend and what you'd like him to do so that you start feeling more secure in the relationship. If yes, then tell him what you now know about yourself as partner in the relationship. For example, some people who are getting over being cheated on, would like knowing details about the affair person, some people want to see the phone of the one who cheated. Recuperating after a cheating incident takes many months. If he tells you he'd like earning back your trust, give him some time to see if there is progress in this area. As results unfold, you will feel clearer on the direction your relationship is naturally taking. About the girl at work, she will feel less meaningful to you as you work together with your boyfriend on securing the relationship. She has her greatest meaning right now because you are at the beginning stage of knowing what direction to take. As you go along this road, more than likely, you'll be more at ease in naturally finding a way of relating to her that feels ok to you. " +"I have experienced cycles of depression for the past four years, and it hits me harder every time it comes back. This past time, it was extremely debilitating, so I went on Wellbutrin. I could feel the effects of the medicine after the first week. A month and a half later, I decided that my depression was being caused by my own unwillingness to move forward and address my behaviors and thoughts that were keeping me in a place of despair. I became worried that the medicine was making me complacent and prohibiting me from working out what I needed to in my life to bring back true fulfillment. I stopped taking it a month ago and feel okay; a lot of the anxiety it was paired with has gone away. However, I still don't feel my sense of self has been completely regained, and I have days where I feel a zombie-like haze of having no interests or the ability to fully concentrate on anything. Is it better to continue letting time and good habits work out the remaining depression or should I go back on the medicine?","Deciding whether or not psychiatric medicine is a good option can be complicated, as you have noticed, and only a person who is licensed to prescribe can give you medical advice regarding medications. While there is sometimes relief from symptoms from medication, as you have pointed out, there are often negative side effects as well. While I can't give you advice on whether or not to continue medication, I would urge you to take an inventory of the positive and negative effects that you have noticed and educate yourself as much as possible about the short and long-term costs and benefits of psychiatric medication. If you can find a doctor, psychiatrist, or ARNP who is competent in mental health, it may also benefit you to consult with them. One thing that I am wondering about is, what is your support system like, in regards to your fight against depression? Are you seeing a therapist or attending any therapeutic or supportive group? While there are many things that one can do on their own to work through challenges such as depression, psychotherapy has been shown time and again in research to be highly effective and sometimes having a relationship with a caring, competent professional who understands depression and ways of helping can make a huge difference. " +"My husband and I have been together since high school. We have been married going on for nearly ten years, and we have three beautiful children. A few weeks ago, my husband decided he need some time apart and moved over to his dad's for a while. He comes home to see the kids and acts like there is not too much wrong. Can this marriage be saved or is it too late? He said he would go to counseling, so I don't think he has given up."," While it would be impossible for me to say whether your marriage can be saved it sounds like you are both willing to give it a try and to get professional support. With appropriate professional support for your relationship a lot is possible. I'm not familiar with the resources available in Jackson but I'm sure there are some good local couple therapists and there may be some agencies that specialize in couple counselling and family therapy.  So often the challenges that we have in relationships result from rather small habits in relating that lead to greater feelings of distress, loneliness, anger and resentment. I commend your willingness to put effort into creating the strong loving relationship that you want for both of your sakes and of course for your children. The following links provides more information regarding common behaviours that predict staying together or separating and also videos and other resources that can help you get started. Wishing you and your family all the best on your journey of healing and discovery.  " +"About two and a half months ago, I met a woman on a dating site. We went out on two dates, and then despite her original plans on how to pace and conduct the relationship, I ended up at her house on a the Friday night one week after our first date. We respectfully tried not to have intercourse, but after hours of trying to resist each other, we gave in and we had intercourse. After that, I slept at her house every night for almost two weeks. Then one day, she went to her family's house on Thanksgiving and everything changed. Within the short time we were together, we got so close and serious really fast. We had finally found each other. We told each other that we loved each other all the time, even while we were making love. A few days after Thanksgiving, she told me that we would have to go back to her original plans of seeing each other much less frequently. I was very hurt and didn't understand. Then another week later, she told me she couldn't do it at all anymore. I was crushed! + +A few days later, she tells me how much she's missing me and “let's get together for lunch” or something like that. Then about two weeks later, we finally get together one night and we were so hot for each other (in love, not just intercourse), but she confessed that the reason for the sudden distance was that the father of her very young child told her he wants to get back together and this totally messed with her. So for her child's sake, she is now considering the possibility of allowing that to happen. She had told me all about him previously, and it is definite that she has little to no attraction to him, but she would do this putting herself in misery again for her child. Our love for each other is fully established and acknowledged, but she is torn and confused. She doesn't even think it would work between them as she had to kick him out before for not fulfilling his role properly. I know she needs time, and all I can do is take care of myself. We have agreed to remain friends, and if this doesn't work out for her, we will try again. I'm completely in love with her, and I'm in extreme pain."," That sounds really heartbreaking. It is tough falling in love and not being able to dive fully because of complications on the other side. It sounds to me that you are doing exactly what you need to be doing by taking ""care of myself"" while the rest sorts itself out. While I admire your desire and courage to stay friends - the ""extreme pain"" that you mentioned may make this too challenging and at odds with your taking care of yourself. Since there is no commitment on her end to give it a shot with you I would make sure that you really honour your own feelings about what feels right to you so that you don't end up feeling strung along or resentful. Make sure that you lean on friends and family at this time - we need all the support that we can get when we are heartbroken.  " +"I have lately been having lots of anxiety and self-loathing about the fact that I am a young adult virgin girl who has never had a boyfriend before. It seems like everyone my age has already had boyfriends by now or are not virgins anymore, and I just had my first kiss five months ago. I'm worried that, at this rate, I won't have a boyfriend for a very long time. The problem is that I want to lose my virginity to my first boyfriend who cares about me, but at the same time, I don't want to be waiting forever in order to experience intercourse. I have already given in to bad temptations by hooking up with random strangers on social media sites and having oral intercourse with them. Luckily, they were nice guys, but none of them wanted a relationship with me. I feel dirty by doing this, but I feel pressured to do this things in order to seem normal. + +Most people are surprised when they find out that I am a virgin or never had a boyfriend because people think I am really good looking. I am tall, I play lots of sports, and I get excellent grades in school. I am in my first year of university right now, and no guys have approached me to go out on a date or showed any interest. It bothers me. Most of the people in my family have been in relationships at my age already. I feel like I will be single forever sometimes.","I think that every person who has been single for any extended period of time has felt the same worries - myself included. Since relationships are so important to us we fear not having them and being single. It is similar to fearing that we won't ever get a good job when we have been out of work for awhile or fearing that we won't be healthy when we have been sick. We fear these things because they are so important - not because these fears are realistic or true!  There is immense pressure put on young single people from peers and media to conform to ideas of what is normal and to meet expectations in terms of intercourseual experience, dating, etc. While some people may judge an adult who is a virgin - others will respect your choices and feel even more attracted to you because of your choices. Experimenting with intercourse, so long as you are being safe and respectful is also completely okay and normal.  Since expectations vary and we can't be happy if we are always comparing ourselves to other people, we need to ultimately trust that being who we are and building a loving relationship with ourselves is the key to meeting someone who will cherish us for all the ways that we are special and unique, virgin or not. When we are able to really accept ourselves and trust in our loveableness (not a real word but you get what I mean!) then meeting someone special is simply a matter of time and effort - putting ourselves out in the world in situations where we are likely to meet other single people looking for relationships.  When you are most afraid of being alone - remember that this fear is simply a reminder of how much you value relationships. Use that passion about wanting relationships to build the best relationship you can with yourself and then one day soon some lucky person will stumble into your life and benefit immensely from your passion and your ability to be authentically who you are rather than pretending to be ""normal"" or whatever that is anyway. Hope this helps!  " +"I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about six years now. In the past, our relationship was difficult and frustrating. We argued a lot, and due to that, there was a lot of tension between us. We stayed together because we love each other and wanted to make it work. I used to party a lot, and several times I got into situations where I would end up kissing someone else. These situations were never more than just kissing. I have come clean about these situations with my boyfriend, and he decided to forgive and move forward with me. I love him so much and want to work things out too, but I'm having a difficult time understanding how he can forgive me. I can't seem to forgive myself. I'm overwhelmed with feelings of guilt and unworthiness."," So wonderful to have a boyfriend who is able to understand and forgive you. What do you think that he sees in you that allows him to do that? Does he see someone who like other humans makes mistakes? Does he see someone who despite hurtful choices is a good person committed to being a loving respectful partner? The compassion and understanding that we can often extend to others can be difficult to extend to ourselves.  We often hold very unrealistic and perfectionist expectations for ourselves which may even lead to our poor choices in the first place - as a ways of letting off steam or rebelling against our high standards. Regardless of the reasons, we all make mistakes and imperfection does not make someone less loveable - it just makes them human. If your boyfriend is able to start clean with you, there must be a reason.  What you do from here on out will define the kind of partner you are to him. Can you treat him with the kind of respect that you would want? Can you help him to feel loved and safe in the relationship? Can you allow yourself to be imperfect and afraid and still worthy of love and acceptance. When you are feeling ashamed of your behaviours - try to imagine extending that scared part of you the same love and acceptance that you might extend to other people who have made mistakes. It is not easy to forgive ourselves but it is important in order to allow ourselves to be loved and to truly love others.  " +"I have lately been having lots of anxiety and self-loathing about the fact that I am a young adult virgin girl who has never had a boyfriend before. It seems like everyone my age has already had boyfriends by now or are not virgins anymore, and I just had my first kiss five months ago. I'm worried that, at this rate, I won't have a boyfriend for a very long time. The problem is that I want to lose my virginity to my first boyfriend who cares about me, but at the same time, I don't want to be waiting forever in order to experience intercourse. I have already given in to bad temptations by hooking up with random strangers on social media sites and having oral intercourse with them. Luckily, they were nice guys, but none of them wanted a relationship with me. I feel dirty by doing this, but I feel pressured to do this things in order to seem normal. + +Most people are surprised when they find out that I am a virgin or never had a boyfriend because people think I am really good looking. I am tall, I play lots of sports, and I get excellent grades in school. I am in my first year of university right now, and no guys have approached me to go out on a date or showed any interest. It bothers me. Most of the people in my family have been in relationships at my age already. I feel like I will be single forever sometimes."," Hi Winters, I'm so glad you wrote, because I think there are a lot of young women experiencing the exact same thing. You feel self-loathing for both being a virgin, and for being intercourseually active. Young women have always gotten crazy mixed messages about what they're supposed to be. They feel pressure to be pure, and they also feel pressure to be the vixen and please men intercourseually. But you can't be both, so you can't ever win if you buy into all that horse manure (excuse my language).  This current hook-up culture puts added pressure on girls to expect nothing more than random intercourseual encounters that leave you feeling empty and used; perhaps desirable in that moment but mostly worthless. The stupid part is that research tells us that young men are also impacted negatively by this cultural norm that values intercourse and not relationship; they feel guilt, and loneliness.   I urge you to talk to other girls and women about your feelings. My hope and prayer is that they will echo my words here. Your value and power cannot ever be found in whether a man wants you, whether you turn his eye, or how he treats you. Your intercourseuality is a beautiful part of who you are, and it is to be celebrated. I love that you want to celebrate it with someone who cares. Who you are is so very much more than your intercourseuality. You sound like you have a lot of things going for you. Try to see all of those things when you think of yourself. There are many more virgins out there, and many are afraid, like you, that they don't fit in. We are all different, and you don't have to be anything but who you want to be; who you are. You don't have to have any kind of intercourse until you're ready, and that makes you brave and smart, not weird. You're tall and beautiful, and guys may be intimidated by that. It may take time for you to meet the right guy, but he's out there. The question is: How do you want to spend your time until he crosses your path?  I hope you talk to someone soon and find out that your feelings are normal. I wish you the best. " +"I don't know what's with me. I'm almost constantly angry. Even when I'm happy, I still feel anger inside me. When I acknowledge it, it ruins my mood and takes over. I get angry at the littlest things. Even if I think someone said something they didn't, it infuriates me. Something perfectly normal can make me go off. When my anger flares up, I get a terrible pain in my chest that lasts for a while. It's like there is a fire constantly burning in my body, and anger is gasoline."," Hi Nashville, I'm glad you want this to be different. It doesn't feel good to be angry all the time, and it's stealing your energy as well as affecting relationships, I'm sure. Working with a therapist, you can learn to recognise the deep emotions that lie underneath the anger. It's likely to be either powerlessness or worthlessness, and what happens is this... a small moment in the present touches on an old, tender, bruised emotion that we've simply felt too much of or too strongly in the past. We develop ways of avoiding these vulnerable emotions, and anger is one way of doing that.  So, when someone looks at you in a certain way, or says something, you'd rather be angry than feel powerless, or unimportant (or whatever your kryptonite feeling is). In that moment, your instinct is to blame whatever happened, no matter how small, because that's the thing that happened just before you got mad. You fail to recognise that the problem is not the look on that person's face, or the shoe that someone left in front of the door...it's that you can't stand feeling something and you want to avoid it like you want to stamp your foot out if it's on fire. I suggest finding a therapist to work with. You can learn to take responsibility for your old emotions and find new ways to manage them. :) " +"My mom made a lot of mistakes a couple years back, and I can't seem to forgive her. I want to say that it's okay, but I can't. I feel like even if I did forgive her, I wouldn't be able to say it to her face."," Hi Cleveland, I think I get what you're feeling. You're scared that if you forgive your mom, that would mean it wasn't so bad, or she'll think it's okay to do it again, or she won't realize how hurt you are.  I invite you to look at forgiveness in a different way. Forgiveness doesn't have to mean what she did was okay. Not at all. Forgiveness can mean ""I accept what she did, and I don't want to live in her worst moments constantly. I want to put it down and move past it because I want her in my life, because fear and resentment interfere with my relationship with her, and mostly because I'm tired of carrying them (fear and resentment) around constantly."" You can forgive your mom for yourself, not for her.  If there is evidence that your mom wants to respect you moving forward, then it might be worth it to risk putting down the resentment and the grudge that you think you need to protect yourself.  Your ability to draw boundaries with her in the present is your biggest protector; let her know in the present what hurts you, and notice her responses. You don't have to say it to her face. Saying it to yourself is more important. Again, forgiving your mom helps you...it reduces your own burden of fear and resentment, leaving space for better things.  " +"My ex-husband told my two adolescents that Santa doesn't exist on the day before Christmas. They are desperate to hold on to the magic of Christmas, but I don't know if it's right for me to lie to them and tell them that Santa is real. I don't want to let them down and make them lose out on those memories, but I also don't want to lose their trust."," Well Boise, the cat's out of the bag now, isn't it? I love that you want to help your kids keep the magic of Christmas. They must want that too if they still believe in Santa into their teen years, which is unusual, I believe. I wonder if they had already figured it out anyway? But they know now, and your ex had the right to tell them if he felt it was best. So it's time to explain to them what a loving and magical thing it is that parents do, and Christmas can still be magical in so many ways. Really, who says they have to stop believing in Santa? Santa is very real as a spirit of surprise, generosity and love.  " +"I broke up with him three weeks ago because I felt that he needed to be more respectful. He has since had a rebound relationship. He says he loves and misses me but refuses to see me. He says it's going to be too difficult to see me. Every time we talk, it feels like I'm being pushy to see him. He used to be so madly in love with me, but now, it seems like he couldn't care less. I think I'm running him away."," Hi Kansas, I think your first instinct was good; you broke up with him. You deserve respect, but right now you're not acting as if you deserve it when you push to see him as he's moving on with a new relationship. It's appropriate now for you to respect that relationship and listen to what he says he wants, which is space.  Do you think he's going to be any different with her? This a common, unfounded fear we have. I wonder if maybe you miss the feeling of being in love and having a partner more than you miss him. The bottom line is you can't make someone love you, and you can't make someone be loving towards you, because how someone treats you (and the choices they make) has everything to do with who they are, and nothing to do with who you are. I hope you gather support from others and move on in hope and strength for your own future. " +"My mom made a lot of mistakes a couple years back, and I can't seem to forgive her. I want to say that it's okay, but I can't. I feel like even if I did forgive her, I wouldn't be able to say it to her face."," How someone feels when they forgive another, is at peace with themselves and their understanding of what went wrong, who was responsible for what in the situation, and clarity on their own motivation, actions, emotions including pain, regret, resentment, sadness. These steps ideally allow a new door to open in order to develop new paths in the existing relationship or accept that this will not be possible due to either person's way of handling themselves. The long answer would be that you're not yet through with this process. I commend you on being truthful with yourself about yourself. You're on the right track by expecting to feel resolved when you've reached resolution, and not before. Finding patience with the unpredictable amount of time needed to thoroughly examine all the details of the incidents you mention, sometimes is a frustration of its own. Keep up your good work of knowing your own life. It is a worthwhile endeavor! " +"I've been with my husband for eight years now. We have split twice before, and the first time was because he cheated. I took him back months later, and he really tried making it up to me by making a lot of changes. However, we continued to have issues because of my lack of trust. My insecurities and trust issues lead to physical abuse, which lead to us separating again. During that separation, he consoled himself by talking to the same girl he cheated on me with. But we then ended up back together and worked it out for a while until I got pregnant with our second child. + +The baby was a few months old, and he confessed to me about his secret relationship with her. He told me how he could never stop talking to her and how, during our issues, she has been and is the only women he's gone behind my back with (but on a friendship level because she's miles away). He confessed how he fought feelings for her and feels like he's possibly in love with her too. He said he feels like he's in love with the both of us now because this women has fallen for him, and she hasn't been able to leave him alone since. Even though she knows that he's still with me and happy with our family, she can't help it, and he confessed how his feeling for her are mutual. Being that he loves me too, he wanted to be with the both of us at the same time. He wanted to have affairs with her behind my back by flying her out and staying at a hotels, but he didn't want me to find out, so he told me everything. He said he didn't want to continue to lie to me and so I can finally stop accusing him of being with other women when it's only been this one girl the whole time. He feels like my insecurities and trust issues are what pushed him closer towards her, and that no matter what he did to do right, I would still accuse him. He's caught up in his feelings and pretty much says that he wants her but doesn't want me to leave him because I'm the one he wants to be with for the rest of his life. + +I'm of course hurt and in shock. I feel like I have to make a decision on whether I want to allow it and deal with having to share him or walk away. Both of these decisions are really hard to make because I feel like whether I stay or go, my heart will still be torn apart. I have to make a decision quick because she will be flying out sooner than I thought."," Hi Jayuya, I'm struggling in this moment with my own biases. I have biases that are about respect and every individual's need for and right to respect. Your husband lies, cheats and physically hurts you. He makes excuses and blames you for these behaviours and trains you to do the same. He demonstrates many controlling and abusive behaviours. And now, in an attempt to manipulate and silence you, he wants to have his cake and eat it too and suggests you should share him? There aren't many crumbs of this cake left for you, are there? So, my biases about respect don't make me want to rescue you or tell you what to do; I can't do that, and I don't think either of those things will help you. I'd like to ask you some questions though... Are you happy? Do you know what happy is? Do you know what respect is? Are your children safe? Are your children witnessing violence (because if they are, then they're not safe)? Do you have supports? Do your family and friends know what's happening in your life? Have you ever been to a women's shelter? Are you willing to sit down in an office with a professional who can help you think clearly? That's what I suggest. These are big decisions, you deserve some support. I wish you the best. " +"I crave attention, companionship, and intercourse. She has had a hysterectomy, and she has a bad knee."," Hi Hampton, Although I'd bet your wife also wants the attention and companionship, it seems that there are a few barriers in your intercourseual relationship right now. I also would bet that there are things that your wife would like from you.  This is a very common issue; two people with different intercourseual drives or needs. If you both want the relationship to improve, a couple's therapist who works in intercourseuality is a great idea; it's a complex picture that you've only given us a glimpse of. In the meantime, you can try a few things: have compassion for your wife. She's in pain and this may preoccupy her. intercourse may be uncomfortable for her. She needs understanding. You need understanding too, right?  Help her to see that you're not just angry, but lonely and hurt; it might affect how you see yourself as a man. Showing her irritability or anger might push her farther away. There are many ways to be close, intimate, and intercourseual that don't involve intercourse. You might want to explore some of these things and reassure her that you won't pressure her to have intercourse. Find out what your wife's wishes and ideas are. You might be surprised. These things take time to address, especially if they've been years in the making. I do recommend seeing that therapist. Relationships are very complex and it takes time to explore all the layers and barriers to change. Best of luck. " +"My girlfriend and I have broken up and gotten back together numerous times in the past two years. We recently just broke up again last night on New Year's Eve. When we break up, the very next day, she calls me and acts as if nothing has happened. She acts like everything is alright. This has been going on for two years. I do love her and care about her and her children a lot, but she seems really demanding as far as what she deserves from a man. She is always telling me that she deserves this and that from a man. It makes me feel like crap because I cannot give her everything that she wants. She told me one time that she wants a man who is going to be afraid to lose her. Is that a normal thing that women want, or should I just move on already? I am in my 30s and she is in her 40s."," Love is not enough to keep a relationship together. The people need to get along happily too. Let's start with knowing more about your happiness in being with your partner. The frequent break ups happen for a reason.  Try understanding more of why you go back together again. You state a few very clear reasons to not continue this relationship, such as ""feeling like crap"" and not liking that your girlfriend hopes her  partner will feel afraid to leave her. Trust your intuition telling you that these feelings matter. Sometimes men aren't sure whether following their instinct is a right action to take. It is. Also, hoping a partner will fear losing them, shows a wish to control a person. Control has nothing to do with love and trust, and these are basics of a relationship. Good luck! " +"I am so angry. I feel like the arguments with my parents have caused me so much anxiety and stress, and I don't know what to do. I want to sit down with a psychologist, but I cannot afford one, nor do I have my own health insurance. I can feel myself starting to get violent. I throw things of value when I start to get mad. I have punched holes in my wall. I can feel my aggression getting worse."," First off, it is great that you recognize that some changes need to be made. It is also really good that you understand where the source of your anxiety and stress comes from. Fortunately there are many self help books and internet sources that provide free tools to help you cope with life's obstacles, including anger management. There are several strategies that you can try to help control your anger, but the ones that I would recomend first are the following: 1. Try a different way of communicating with your parents. Since arguing with them is a great source of anger for you, learning more effective ways of communicating with them will likely be of great benefit. Choose a time to talk with them about ""heated issues"" when everyone is calm and emotions are not heightened. Use ""I phrases"" by telling them how the arguments effect you, as opposed to placing blame on them. Validate what you hear your parents say in order to allow them to know that you understand their point of view. 2. When you feel yourself becoming angry, take a break. Simply excuse yourself from the situation, find a quiet place to be by yourself, and do some deep breathing. Close your eyes, slowly count to four as you inhale, and exhale even slower, counting to 6. Focus on nothing except for your breathing and do this for 5 minutes. 3. Stop any negative thoughts in their tracks. Often times when we get upset, we catastrophize and do not see things clearly. When you catch yourself thinking negatively stop the thoughts and ask yourself if your thinking is logical and rational. If you cannot find much or any evidence that your thoughts are valid, then let them go and replace them with realistic, logical thoughts. 4. Finally, find a friend or someone to talk to and/or keep a journal. Keeping your emotions to yourself will not help you. Being able to express your feelings and problem solve will allow for some relief when feeling sad or angry. I wish you all the best! " +"I have bipolar II disorder, I'm addicted to alcohol and weed, and I'm hopeless. I keep drinking even though it's harming myself and others.","The first step to change is to admit that you have a problem that is in need of change.  Frequently our problems keep us in denial.  Although feeling hopeless is an uncomfortable feeling, it suggests to me that you know that you can not do this alone.   The best course of treatment for you is to treat all of these problems together.  Alcohol detox can be very dangerous so it is important that you do this under the supervision of a medical provider; preferably someone who specializes in addiction.  Know also that although marijuana may not appear to be as big as a problem as alcohol is, it will cause you to have an increase in alcohol cravings so complete abstinence from drugs and alcohol is needed.  I really recommend an inpatient stay for at least 30 days for anyone who is dealing with addiction, whether combined with mental health issues or not.  If this is not a possibility, then the next best thing would be an Intensive outpatient program that treats both addiction and mental health issues.   Know that there is hope for what you are experiencing.  You can get control over these issues.  The next step is finding the team and/or facility that is going to help you do it.  " +"My boyfriend has a child he gets every other weekend. He goes to see her twice a week or more. Every time she leaves, he gets into these funks like when his mom died. When she's here, she's disrespectful, and his answer is “Well, I don't know what to tell you.” She swears and talks back, and he laughs. He and her mom have been apart for three years, and he blames her behavior on that and her being so young. We never have adult time when she's not here. She's the ""golden child,"" and he won't listen to anyone."," Hi Lockport, Building a relationship when there are already children involved is very tricky. You don't tell us whether you live together or not. If you do, your position is perhaps more difficult, because his daughter's behaviours affect you; you live in the home.  A bottom line for me is you don't tell someone else how to parent. That's for your boyfriend to decide. When he's there, he's the parent, and he makes the decisions about how she is disciplined (or not). Even if you have good ideas or you completely disagree, or you think you see something that he's not seeing, it's simply not for you to interfere there.  It sounds like your boyfriend is struggling emotionally and needs support. He has had a lot of losses in his life and maybe every time his daughter leaves he feels powerless and abandoned. Do you talk about these things? Can you find that line of supporting him but not telling him what to do? Although I suggest you leave the parenting to him, what you can do is tell him what you see, offer suggestions if he's open to it, and talk about the ways in which the situation affects you. It makes sense to say ""I see you struggling and I don't know how to help"", ""I've noticed that you seem afraid to discipline her. Are you aware that it's coming across this way? Do you need help?"", or ""I feel sad and frustrated when we don't spend any time alone together.""  You sound a bit resentful of his daughter. Is it possible that your real struggle is about whether you're ready to be in a relationship with a man whose priority is his child? You have a voice, and it's great to offer support and ideas and let him know how you feel. Ultimately, however, you are wise to accept this man as who he is and accept the situation for what it is, and make your own decision about whether you want to be a part of it. :) " +"I am so angry. I feel like the arguments with my parents have caused me so much anxiety and stress, and I don't know what to do. I want to sit down with a psychologist, but I cannot afford one, nor do I have my own health insurance. I can feel myself starting to get violent. I throw things of value when I start to get mad. I have punched holes in my wall. I can feel my aggression getting worse."," I'm sorry you have so many arguments with your parents.  Ideally parents are people who tolerate that their kids are people with their own unique characteristics. Everyone likes feeling loved by their parent.   Do you feel loved even though you and them have clashes? Anger is a symptom of a problem. The real question is knowing what feels like its being hurt inside of you. I agree with your idea of talking with a psychologist or some other type of licensed professional therapist. See if your area has a family service agency in it.  Generally the non-profit sectors offer sliding scale fees, and if you qualify, your cost per session would be financially comfortable for you. One possibility is to tell your parents that you'd like starting therapy because of feeling so much stress from the family arguing. They may very well be surprised to learn of your maturity in assessing your level of stress and be willing to make a positive contribution to this by offering to authorize therapy through their health insurance.  They may even decide on family counseling so all of you work together to relate in more loving ways. Last, if you aren't ready to speak with your parents about wanting counseling, think about speaking to your school guidance counselor.  This person may have some recommendations for your specific geographic location. " +"Just wondering if this is a deviant act, and if I should be concerned for him. He isn't quite 10."," Well it's certainly unusual, and potentially could be cause for alarm. It's a passive aggressive act if done intentionally, so I would wonder if this child is trying to say something. I think without any context, however, or sense of whether there are other signs of disturbance, it's impossible to say what's going on. If there are other signs of distress or very unusual behaviours, you might bring the child to someone who can assess him properly.  " +"I've been in a relationship for over a year. He's cheated and lied. I heard he's married, but he says he's not. Everything is very up and down; there's no trust. Recently, he went on a trip, and I promised him I'd behave and not drink because when I drink, I drink too much, and I tend to make poor choices. This time, I made a huge mistake: I drank too much, and I cheated on him. I slept with another man for about five minutes before realizing what I was doing is wrong. I told him and he just got really rude. He called me names and threatened me. I feel bad as I do love him. We just have so many issues. I'm not a bad person, I've just made a lot of bad mistakes. It's unintentional, and I know right from wrong, but why do I still make the wrong choice?"," Hi Calgary (Canada!),  Let me get this straight...you're in a 'relationship', but he might be married. You both cheat and lie and he's abusive. The short answer is that there is too much wrong here for this therapist to try and fix it. Relationships don't heal us and they don't help us grow up. We have to be mature and stable enough to love someone before it's going to work. I'd recommend you focus on yourself alone for a while. You have a lot to sort out. I wish you the best.  " +"My fiancé and I have been in a relationship for two years. We have an infant son. My fiancé also has a child from a previous relationship. We do not live together. I live with my mother currently while I get on my feet, and he's living with some friends. My mother and I have an awful relationship that is completely unbearable most of the time. We cannot even stand to be around one another while living in the same house. She has made it clear that she wants me gone. Recently, I was talking to my father who lives in a different state. My father and I have always had a good relationship. I explained to him the situation I am in with my mother, and he said he would like for me, my fiancé, and our son to come live with him and his wife. I would really love to go. I do not want my son to be in this environment with constant arguing and negativity any longer. There is nowhere else for me to stay while remaining in this state. The problem is my fiancé is refusing to move away with me because he does not want to leave behind his other child. He and his child's mother have a horrible relationship, and she would absolutely not be willing to let him visit if we moved away. I believe I would be doing what is best for my child by moving away, but I do not want to leave without my fiancé. I have already explained the situation to him, and he will not give in. Do I continue to stay in this negative environment with my child and keep our family together? Do I move away with my child and have my relationship end? I do not want to take him out of either of his kids' lives. What do I do?"," Hi Bethlehem, You have a big decision to make.  I appreciate your fiancé's need to stay close to his child and be a stand-up dad, and I am glad that you know your son needs an emotionally safe place. I'm a bit confused, because the obvious answer seems to be that you and your fiancé would get your own place together. I get that you want your dad to take care of all of you, but maybe it's time to take responsibility for your own future and start building it independently of either parent. I say that without knowing how old you are, but if you have a child and a two year relationship, you basically have declared your independence anyway.   I wish you the best. " +"Ever since my ex-boyfriend and I broke up, I can't seem to get close to anyone else. I know I'm completely over him, but I just can't break down my walls and let someone new into my life."," Hi Bend, You're scared, right? That makes sense. Each time we have a break-up we are a bit more in touch with how much is at stake in this whole love and relationship business. We are falling in love and letting someone close to our hearts and there's a vulnerability in that; we can get hurt. Who you partner with long-term is a big decision and it determines 90% of our happiness in life.  The good news is that when we're just starting to get to know someone, we can take it slow. I think maybe you are slowing yourself down instinctively here, and that's okay. We are naturally people of attachment and it won't likely last if you are normally an open and accessible person who doesn't put up walls. So part of what I want to say here is don't pressure yourself too much. Take the time to heal naturally and listen to your instinct that is telling you to take things slow. :) As well, there are a few things you can do to make sure that the walls do eventually come down, or will come down for the right person.  First, think about the lessons you learned from this past relationship. What do you feel proud of? What do you need in a partner? What mistakes did you make? Use this experience to grow in your awareness of how you work in a relationship and what you need from a partner. Look at your thoughts. Are you having generalized negative thoughts like ""No one will ever love me again?"", or ""I'm going to get hurt again"", or ""I can't trust myself""? If so, write down what these thoughts are, and then ask yourself what evidence supports these thoughts. Fear tries to convince us that there is either something wrong with us or that something bad will happen, but it does so with little or no evidence of this ever happening!! It sells us a line based on no concrete evidence. Then ask yourself what evidence supports the opposite thought. What is the evidence that I am lovable... that there are safe, good people out there... that I can trust myself? Eliminate the negative thoughts, and add the positive ones. It's simple but very powerful. Lastly, take concrete and careful steps to act as though there are no walls. What is the evidence of the walls? Can you take purposeful baby steps in the direction of lowering those walls? When we act as though something is true, we start to feel it and believe it more. I hope you will find yourself back on track eventually, with time. :) " +I didn't trust my wife when I found out that she had a new guy friend that she was texting and calling. I investigated him before I found out that he was gay and that there was nothing going on. Now all my wife and I do is fight about trust.," Hello. Being unable to trust your significant other certainly can cause one to feel unsettled. Has your spouse ever done anything questionable that would cause you to not trust her? If so, then it will take time and some work to gain the trust back. Couple's counseling would be of benefit. If not, then you may want to consider seeing a therapist on your own in order to better learn where your insecurities come from. There are several possible reasons why you may be feeling insecure but without knowing them, the issue is not likely to get resolved. In the meantime, I suggest that when you're feeling upset and are unable to trust what your wife says/does, think before you speak. Ask yourself if you have valid reasons to not trust her. Instead of arguing, try and communicate how you're feeling and let her know that resolving this trust issue will be a top priority for you so that you can focus on other aspects of your relationship. Hope it all works out for you both! " +"I am lazy. I am very aware of the problem and try to talk myself out of it all the time, but I never seem to shake the habits. I try to think of what it is doing to me and my future, but no matter what, I keep creating excuses for myself to continue the procrastination. All I'm ever left with is regrets and a low grade. I am at an all-time low in my life, and I'm not even that old. I've always been a straight-A student, but now I'm getting C's and F's, and it hurts me to know that I am way better than that. It's not even like the work is hard."," I am sorry to hear that you are going through such a tough time. It sounds to me like you are suffering from depression to some degree. Have you seen a therapist or talked to anyone about your problems? If not, I would advise that you do so sooner than later so that you can learn what is causing you to be unmotivated and causing difficulty with breaking the cycle that you are in. It is also a good idea to get a medical evaluation from your doctor to rule out any medical causes for your current condition. Most often, difficult situations that life throws at us, along with an inability to think positively, and break bad habits are what cause depression. Some things you can do immediately are seek help from a professional, schedule in time every day to engage in pleasurable (or once pleasurable) activities, exercise daily, and practice thinking more positively. Set a few daily goals for yourself and write them down each morning or the night before. Achieving your goals every day will give you a sense of accomplishment and can lead to feeling more optimistic and capable. Additionally, keep a journal to write down how you are feeling and what ideas you have to help feel better. Sometimes having these ideas written down make it more real and tangible. Know that depression is most often curable but takes work and a desire to change (which you clearly have). Once you start feeling better about yourself and your life, your grades should naturally begin to improve, as you will have more motivation and energy to focus on that particular area. Best of luck to you! " +"I have been seeing this guy for a little over a year. Back in August, he asked for us to step back for now. Since then, he has still been in contact with me every day. We spent some time together over the holidays, but then I was gone for New Years with family. I came to find out that he put himself on a dating site. When I found out, I asked him about it, and he responded with this: “My apologies if I got my signals crossed, or if I wasn't honest with you. You have helped me tons this past year and I am glad you are in my life. I didn't realize you were still interested in dating. Again, my apologies.” Also, is it better to say that I want him in my life or that I want him as part of my life?"," It sounds like there is a bit of confusion regarding how you two feel about each other. Do you know what type of relationship you want with him? A friendship only, casual dating, or an exclusive relationship? I would encourage you to first figure that out and then communicate to him how you are feeling. Ask him to be honest with you about how he feels and what he wants from your relationship as well. Be mentally prepared for a variety of responses from him so that there are no major surprises. By clearing the air and learning what your own and each other's desires are, you can then move forward with a plan. Without that clarification, there will likely be false assumptions, unanswered questions, and confusion. " +"I am lazy. I am very aware of the problem and try to talk myself out of it all the time, but I never seem to shake the habits. I try to think of what it is doing to me and my future, but no matter what, I keep creating excuses for myself to continue the procrastination. All I'm ever left with is regrets and a low grade. I am at an all-time low in my life, and I'm not even that old. I've always been a straight-A student, but now I'm getting C's and F's, and it hurts me to know that I am way better than that. It's not even like the work is hard."," Possibly laziness is not the true problem and is only what appears as the problem. Since you describe your laziness as an observable quality, I assume you've not always felt or handled yourself this way. Quite possibly and more likely, the particular conditions of your current life are not ones that are optimal for feeling good about yourself and your involvements. One suggestion is to see if there is any purpose to what you're doing in all the areas in which you see yourself acting from laziness. If you're not able to notice any good purpose, then you may be mistaking ""laziness"" for a significant amount of stress in your life. Stress can be opened and understood.  If stress is what underlies what appears as laziness, then you define the contributors to your stress. Not feeling enough support in your life, financial uncertainty, arguments w people who are close in your life, feeling misunderstood overall or by particular people, all are possibilities. Good luck in learning more about who you are! " +I didn't trust my wife when I found out that she had a new guy friend that she was texting and calling. I investigated him before I found out that he was gay and that there was nothing going on. Now all my wife and I do is fight about trust.," Instead of fighting about trust, is it possible for you and your wife to talk with other about areas which upset each of you? Whenever feelings are hurt, knowing what exactly is problematic and being heard and understood by the partner, goes a long way to building trust. These type of discussions are hard to have, and especially for the first time.  A lot of emotions arise and often people lose their conversation focus from this. If you and your wife have a tough time opening up to each other, consider scheduling time with a couples therapist. Just by each of you committing time to invest in the relationship will show faith in the relationship, and this may contribute to restoring trust. " +"I have an overwhelming desire to watch my wife have intercourse with another man. I talked to her about it, and she said she will do it for me. The idea excites me to no end, but I don't want to because it disgusts me. How can I stop wanting it, or should I just give into it and do it? I've been struggling for years with this. It won't go away. By the way, I am in my mid 30s and my wife is in her mid 40s."," Try to understand your own ambivalence to having your wish fulfilled. Since you and your wife are in a relationship, the intercourse she will have with another man will affect emotions in both you and your wife. I suggest you and her prepare emotionally before you both go ahead with the intercourseual arrangement, By anticipating any jealousy or feeling helpless or out of control, or in control, since it's your wish being fulfilled, all the feelings you and her are able to expect, you'll be more prepared for the actual emotions from the episode, which may also resolve your conflicted feelings about creating the event. There are a lot of unknowns in the situation you're considering.  Having your partner, who will be key in satisfying your intercourse wish, be active in understanding these unknowns, is a good way of keeping your relationship strong overall. " +"From the moment I wake up, I hear what I think is my voice in my head. Even now, I hear it saying every word I'm thinking. When I lay down to sleep, I think of weird and crazy things, and the voice will never stop talking. I don't know if it's me thinking. It never stops. I'll lay in my bed for hours just thinking about weird stuff. I should mention that I talk to myself a lot: mostly in my head, but out loud as well."," Does the voice in your head sound different or the same as your own voice when you talk to people and go about your usual daily life? There is a great big difference in the type of problem you're having if you feel the voice belongs to someone besides who you are. If you are hearing ""self-talk"" of turning over in your mind what goes on in your life, reflecting on alternatives either of what you would like to have done differently in a certain matter, or anticipating what you will do in a future situation, then the problem of the voice in your head may be from a high degree of stress or uncertainty in your life right now. Talking out loud can be a symptom of severe agitation, restlessness, loneliness, and a sense that you are not understood by other people. I would be as concerned about the voice in your head as I would be about the actual content of what the voice is talking about with you. " +"I'm a female freshman in high school, and this question is for my male best friend. At the start of freshman year, we dated for about a week before his parents ended it because they said he is too young to date. He has been dating a really sweet senior girl for a month or two. I have nothing against her except for the fact that she has Tim's heart. He is convinced that they are in love, and maybe they are, but I don't really believe him. + +Lately, Tim had been expressing concern about what is going to happen when Sally leaves for college at the end of term this year. He's been asking me to help him with Sally and what girls like to show her how much he loves her. But he's also been thinking about breaking up with her just so they won't have to deal with it when she leaves. He seems really torn up about it, and I want to know what to say to him and how to help him once she leaves. + +He knows that I still crush on him. He doesn't rub it in my face. He's a good guy, but I want to actually help him out and recover before we think about maybe another relationship between us. How do I do that when the time comes? How do I support him and show him that I'm here without wanting to hook up? How do I make him feel better? He is convinced he's never going to be able to love anyone ever again, which I think is ridiculous."," First off, I think it is great that you are willing and able to help out your friend with issues regarding his current relationship, despite the fact that you have feelings for him. I think that the best thing you can do is let him know that you are there for him if he wants to talk about things. You can also help by presenting options that he has and help him weigh out the pros and cons of his decision, but ultimately he has to decide what to do. Know that you won't be able to heal the pain he feels when his girlfriend leaves but you can be a friend to him by simply listening, validating his feelings, and understanding. Regarding your question about being there for him without wanting to hook up....I'm not sure if that is possible. If you care for him on more than a friendship level, then that desire will likey be there for you no matter what. Be careful that you take care of yourself and don't jeopardize your own happiness while trying to help him with his issues. Good luck to you! " +"My husband and I got into a huge dispute. He said he wanted a divorce, and I left. I still come home a lot and see my kids, and he has not filed yet even though he still said he is. What does that mean for our marriage?"," In situations like this, in most cases, he probably will not fill anytime soon. It's more of the fact that he isn't ready to give that life yet... Now if you probably pressured him about it then yes, he would probably give in.. But if it hasn't been a big issue anymore or something you guys aren't talking about, then right now.. Everything is on a hold. " +"From the moment I wake up, I hear what I think is my voice in my head. Even now, I hear it saying every word I'm thinking. When I lay down to sleep, I think of weird and crazy things, and the voice will never stop talking. I don't know if it's me thinking. It never stops. I'll lay in my bed for hours just thinking about weird stuff. I should mention that I talk to myself a lot: mostly in my head, but out loud as well.", +I was violently raped by another women who was my friend of 13 years. I'm having bad flashbacks. I'm scared to sleep because I see it in my dreams. I don't leave the house because I have panic attacks.," I'm sorry for your suffering. There are therapy programs which help people to gradually feel more at ease so that daily living does not feel so frightening. Once you feel stronger and more secure from such a behavioral program, you'll be able to sleep more peacefully and leave the house whenever necessary to do your regular life. Then, you will be able to open and clear the deep emotional hurt that always occurs from being violated by a trusted friend. Sending good wishes in your work! " +"I'm in my early 20s. I've been married once, and he cheated on me. Ever since then, I've felt ugly no matter what. I'm engaged, and I still feel ugly. I don't like to take pictures of myself."," Sounds as though you're taking the blame for the bad actions of your former husband. He did an ugly action, and instead of feeling only your own emotions in response to being cheated on, you are holding his ugly behavior within you and feeling it. Does this sound like a possible explanation of why your feeling of ugliness started after the cheating incident? You may start feeling better by looking within your own heart for the full effects of having been hurt.  It is possible there is more suffering within you than you've realized until now. As you address all the emotional pain you've lived through, the feeling of ugliness may drop out all of its own. Because you'd be focused on you, not on any of the ugliness introduced into your life by your cheating ex husband. " +"From the moment I wake up, I hear what I think is my voice in my head. Even now, I hear it saying every word I'm thinking. When I lay down to sleep, I think of weird and crazy things, and the voice will never stop talking. I don't know if it's me thinking. It never stops. I'll lay in my bed for hours just thinking about weird stuff. I should mention that I talk to myself a lot: mostly in my head, but out loud as well.","First let's make sure that the voice is not one you hear outside your head and that it is not giving you commands.  If either are the case, please visit a psychiatrist for an accurate assessment. I believe you asking for some support in order to quiet your reactive mind (also called self-talk, automatic thoughts, mind talk, etc.)  When anxious, these thoughts tend to start racing.  The battle inside heats up even more when you start judging the thoughts themselves.  It sounds like the idea of the racing thoughts is giving you extra stress, and you have created a feedback loop.   In CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), there are some excellent BEHAVIORAL interventions to break free.  Start by doing behaviors that are distracting, fun, and healthy, such as calling a friend, going to a movie, or getting some exercise.  You may also do behaviors that slow your heart rate like deep breathing and yoga.  It's amazing how well slowing the body can slow the mind.  There are many other behavioral techniques for calming the mind.  Pick up a mindfulness meditation book for more ideas. Then there is the COGNITIVE aspect of your question.  This is the idea of recognizing how the thoughts are distorted and to challenge them rationally.  For example, if you do some of the behaviors just mentioned and you get some benefit, your stated idea that ""it never stops"" may not be accurate.  And your comments that the thoughts are ""weird"" or ""crazy"" are arbitrary judgments that you are making against yourself.  These are examples of cognitive distortions.  By challenging them, you may slow down the chatter inside your head. Of course, my book LIVING YES, A HANDBOOK FOR BEING HUMAN, is filled with ideas for both behavioral and cognitive improvement.  I evan have a chart (p. 57) which shows the different characteristics of the ""worldly voice"" and the ""sacred voice"" inside.  Learn more about Living Yes at www.LivingYes.org.  You may also want to find a qualified CBT therapist in your town by searching the top clinicians who are listed on the www.AcademyofCT.org website. I hope you find peace soon.  Keep breathing calmly and get some rest.  ~Mark " +"I have anger issues that have worsened over the years because I've never dealt with my emotions. My anger has never been expressed physically until the past year. My girlfriend has had to endure these episodes. I love her, and I think I'm about to lose her, if I already haven't. I throw things at her when I'm angry, and sometimes I hit her. I may not hit her enough to cause harm, but I still physically lash out at her. I don't want to lose her, and I don't want the situation to worsen. I am a lesbian in my early 30s, and I have been dealing with anger since my childhood. I'm ready to change. I need help now. I'm about to explode."," Good for you for recognizing that a change has to be made quickly. Regardless of whether or not your girlfriend leaves your relationship, taking control of your anger needs to happen sooner than later. If left unresolved, it will follow you into any relationship you have. Have you talked to a therapist? I would suggest you take that step first. A therapist will help you explore the source of your anger and teach you new, adaptive ways of dealing with your anger. Until you're able to get some professional help, I would advise that you start recognizing when your emotions are becoming escalated and take a time out before the anger turns into aggression. If you feel yourself becoming heated, excuse yourself from the situation, go to a quiet place or on a walk, and practice some deep breathing. Clear your mind of the problem and focus only on your breathing as you inhale slowly counting to four and exhale slowly counting to six. Don't get discouraged if it doesn't work right away. Deep breathing takes practice! Return to the situation or your girlfriend only once you have calmed down and are confident that you are not going to hurt anyone. You might also want to ask your girlfriend to remind you to take a break when she recognizes that your emotions are escalating. Know that with help and support, especially from a therapist, the issues you have can be resolved and new ways of coping can be learned. Good luck! " +"My husband's ex-wife married a man who was charged with seven felony counts of pandering involving a minor. He, by his own admission, is addicted to child pornography. My step-daughters are now all teenagers. They do not know. My husband's ex-wife has kept this information from my step-daughters. The step-father has had issues regarding his pornography addiction recently. The ex-wife minimizes it by saying that he has ""repented."" It is a constant strain on my husband, knowing that his girls are living with a man who is addicted to child pornography. My own therapist believes the girls should be told. The ex-wife says her therapist says the opposite."," Lorain, you're correct that your husband's ex-wife is (seriously) minimizing this problem. I have a very strong opinion here. In my book, the safety of children trumps potentially insulting or hurting the feelings of adults.  Of course the girls should be told, because they have the right to know. Their voice is not the only one I'm concerned about here though. I believe your husband has the right to insist that his daughters be in a safe home, and there is clear evidence this man is not safe.  This woman is putting her own comfort (she simply doesn't want to deal with her partner's situation, her own fears, or anyone else's needs) above the safety of two vulnerable girls. Honestly, if it was me, my kids wouldn't be even visiting that home with that man present, ""repented"" or not. It's not worth the risk. If she decides to stay with him, the natural consequence of having a known perpetrator in your home is not having access to vulnerable children in that same home. " +"I have anger issues that have worsened over the years because I've never dealt with my emotions. My anger has never been expressed physically until the past year. My girlfriend has had to endure these episodes. I love her, and I think I'm about to lose her, if I already haven't. I throw things at her when I'm angry, and sometimes I hit her. I may not hit her enough to cause harm, but I still physically lash out at her. I don't want to lose her, and I don't want the situation to worsen. I am a lesbian in my early 30s, and I have been dealing with anger since my childhood. I'm ready to change. I need help now. I'm about to explode."," Hi Baton Rouge, I'm glad you're reaching out. The first step here is that you are taking some responsibility for your behaviours. I do hear you minimizing your actions (you say you don't ""hit her enough to cause harm""?), but you're headed in the right direction.  I hope that in your pursuit of treatment you learn that the harm you're causing isn't just superficial bruising. The effects of using aggression and anger to control a person are deep and lasting wounds. Please seek treatment for yourself immediately. You say you love your girlfriend? Do you love her enough to leave the relationship while you address your issues? Are you brave enough to not lean on this relationship while you learn how to create a safe place for a partner? You have dangerous habits because you don't know how to manage your own emotional pain. You can unlearn this; and it doesn't mean you're a bad person. Sometimes, however, the relationship in which you have done the hurting is best ended, for both of your sakes, because too much damage has been done. I know you don't want to lose her, but you don't own her, and you don't have the right to trap her in this because you're afraid of being alone. Right now, she needs some space to figure out what's best for her and the freedom to make whatever decision she wants.  This is potentially the first step to learning real respect; honouring her need for safety above your need for comfort. I wish you well. " +I'm feeling different towards my husband. I feel I am growing from the relationship. I have been with my husband for six years and married for almost five. I just don't feel that connection anymore. I feel nothing. I don't know why or if I'm just being irrational.," Lacey, I'm SO glad you wrote. Thousands of people are having this same feeling right now. I'm glad you're paying attention to it.  When you first meet someone, there are all kinds of sparkly feelings and you both do and say lots of things to cement the attachment and create deep intimacy and connection. Then what happens is because we have that connection established, we instinctively cut back on those loving behaviours because we don't have to work hard to earn their love anymore. That sparkly feeling typically lasts a few years (long enough to procreate and keep the human race going), and then it wears off a bit, and you end up looking at each other thinking ""how come I don't feel the same anymore?"" Mostly (not always, and I'll get to that in a minute) all that this means is you've stopped doing all those loving things you used to do! It's as though you filled the car with gas, you've run out of gas now, and you're forgetting to put more in! The first clear solution to this feeling is to bring back more of your own loving behaviours that you've cut back on. Act lovingly, and you will likely regain those feelings. Talk to your partner about this. It's okay to say ""do you remember we used to do X,Y and Z? Can we do that again? Can I get more of the foot rubs you used to give me?"" Ask for what you want (instead of complaining). What are your 'love languages'? What are your partner's?  Marriages need to be fed. It's that simple. Many things get in the way...children, jobs, but mostly complacency. Get active with your love! Okay, now, you might read this and think ""that's not what's happening"". That's a cue to talk to someone, like a therapist, about your feelings. People do grow and change and sometimes relationships don't fit anymore. But these are huge decisions, not to be made lightly.  I wish you happiness. " +"My husband's ex-wife married a man who was charged with seven felony counts of pandering involving a minor. He, by his own admission, is addicted to child pornography. My step-daughters are now all teenagers. They do not know. My husband's ex-wife has kept this information from my step-daughters. The step-father has had issues regarding his pornography addiction recently. The ex-wife minimizes it by saying that he has ""repented."" It is a constant strain on my husband, knowing that his girls are living with a man who is addicted to child pornography. My own therapist believes the girls should be told. The ex-wife says her therapist says the opposite.", If the daughters are old & mature enough to understand substance abuse.  They should be told for their own empowerment. KNOWLEDGE is their power of safety and protection. +"I decided to stay and work it out. I just don't want to sit on the couch. Other than that, I have been getting over the situation. I don't feel it is fair that she expects me to sit on that couch and won't leave me alone about it. I can move on and continue to love, laugh, and play with my wife. I just don't want to sit on that couch."," Houston, It's normal for this kind of thing to be a trigger, so I get why you don't want to sit on it, but to keep refusing keeps the affair alive. Am I to assume that you can't afford a new one? Ideally, she buys you a new couch, but it certainly would be a gesture of love for you to do it too and it will help you both move forward.  t will be interesting to see if there's anything else that keeps the problem alive after the couch is long gone.  " +"My toddler defies everything I say and doesn't see me as authoritative, so she says no about everything. I'd like to hear some ways I can work on not needing to feel so much in control all the time."," Hi Biddeford, This is a super goal. Feeling powerless is something parents are wise to get used to; there's a creature in the home whose job it is to find and use their power in the family and in the world. Of course your toddler defies you, and that's healthy. I worry more about the overly compliant ones. She is wanting to know what the rules are, and all you have to do is show her clearly where the lines are. I'll give you some tips. First, remind yourself that it's her job to learn what the rules are, and where her power is. Don't be so surprised when she wants it her way. If we go through our days being ready and prepared for these beautiful creatures to have minds of their own, we're less caught off guard when it happens.  Avoid situations that invite power struggles. Any time you tell your daughter ""do this now"", you set up a power struggle. The good thing is that she's young enough you can pick her up; now is the time to teach her that mom's (or dad's) word means something. So, if you say ""let's get you dressed"", then be prepared to pick her up right away and show her that when you say something will happen, you can make it happen. And I'm talking about gently picking her up here...not roughly. Pick your battles; only give instructions when you have the power to make it happen. Give her choices, so she can see her power. Instead of opening her drawer and asking what she wants to wear, give her two choices. Here's an example...she's on the ipad and you say ipad time is over. She says ""no"". You can say ""ipad time is over. If you put it down, you can play later. If I have to take it away, you don't play it later."" The choice is hers. Then follow through. ""When...then"" statements are really helpful. Your child asks for something. Instead of saying no, try ""as soon as the toys are picked up, we can have a snack"". You're simply a pleasant parent who wants the same thing they do...but they have to earn it.  Staying calm yourself is the key, because then at least you will feel in control of yourself, which is the ultimate goal. Use self-talk to calm yourself. Remind yourself her behaviour is normal and healthy. Breathe through a moment in which you would have reacted, and it will be over by the time the breath is done. You can give yourself time to think before you make parenting decisions. Time is a useful tool not enough parents use. Good luck! " +"My boyfriend and I have been together for five years now. Throughout the entire first day that we met, he and I had the opportunity to interact quite a lot and instantly sparked a deep connection with one another. That same night, he and a friend stayed over at my house (without my mom's acknowledgment) and we kissed. The next two days were a repetition of the first day. On the third night, my mother finally caught us, and I was kicked out of my house. I left with him of course, and we went from meeting each other to being like a married couple. It was very hard for us. His stepdad also kicked him out of his home, and we were staying at cheap hotels and friend's houses with the little money we had. I quit my job and dropped out of school because it was hard to do anything without a stable home. There were times when we had nowhere else to go but sleep in the car outside a Walmart parking lot. Our honeymoon stage, as they call it, probably only lasted one month. After that, it was a downward spiral. We were constantly arguing about money, food, and our families. We kept having the famous ""you're doing it wrong—do it this way"" argument. After six months, we moved across the country only to live the same thing, and that's when the violence started. One afternoon, after a serious argument, he got into his truck and threatened to leave me. I was frightened that he would actually go through with his word, given that we had just moved to a place where we knew no one. He told me to let him leave or he would hit me. He had once promised he would never touch me, so I challenged him to do it. He slapped me, and ever since that time, when we have serious fights, he loses control and hurts me. I haven't had the courage to leave him, and there's really nothing stopping me now. I don't live with him, I don't depend on him, and we don't have children. We both haven't been able to let go of that deep connection that we still have and that has been damaged so badly. He always apologizes, and at the beginning, he was more willing to change. Now he just wants me to understand why he does it and how I don't ever make the effort to try to be okay. I've read enough about domestic violence to know that it's not my fault that he loses control, so that's not even an issue for me. I know he has to change that on his own. I just want to know if there's people who have gone through this and had the tables turned? Is there hope for a better future together?"," Hi Winters, I learned a long time ago that I can't ever predict who will change and who won't. I meet couples who seem to have all the ingredients but can't make it work, and others who have severe issues and they decide to make better decisions and things change. But in reading your story, the image of a slot machine came to mind. You're gambling your life away on the chance that this guy will change. Only you can decide how many years to give it. I see him giving you clear signs that he doesn't even believe in himself or want to change though. What are you waiting for? Although you say you know his behaviours aren't your fault, something tells me that you're hoping your love for him will turn the key that unlocks something and makes him want to change. It doesn't work that way. Just like the slot machine, you have no power to change him or make this work. You can only decide when you've paid too much.  I bet there's someone out there who loves and misses you. He's not your only support.  " +"My girlfriend broke up with me five months ago because I said awful things to her one night for no reason of hers. I have been trying to get her back, but it isn't easy. She is in her 50s and I am in my 40s. She is the one I want for my life, and this is killing me. Every day, I cry, and I am desperate for help."," New York, what would it mean about you if you got her back? Is that the only way you can like or forgive yourself...if she forgives you and takes you back? Your self respect doesn't need to rely on this working with her. She simply doesn't want to be with you, and every day that you refuse to honour her decision is another day that you hurt her all over again. Move on and heal, perhaps with the help of a therapist. " +"I'm a teenager. My entire family needs family therapy, and more than likely individual therapy. My parents refuse to take action, and I'm tired of it. Is there any way I can get out of this myself?","This sounds like a really tough situation.  As a teenager, you may be able to get counseling on your own (without needing your parents' consent) under some circumstances.  If your parents are refusing to consider counseling, you might want to try talking to your doctor or another trusted adult about finding some counseling resources - even without your parents' help.   " +"After a domestic abuse situation, I went to a therapist, and then my husband went. The therapist discussed her assessment of borderline personality disorder with me. She then told my abuser the results of my tests."," It sounds like it may have been a violation of confidentiality for your therapist to disclose information about you without your permission.  There are some exceptions to the general rule of confidentiality however.  For example, when a therapist has a reasonable concern that a client (or someone else) is in imminent danger, he or she is generally allowed to disclose confidential information to protect that person. If you believe your counselor has violated your confidentiality, you can always contact your states' counseling regulatiory board.  The board will then investigate the allegations and can take appropriate action. " +"I love my boyfriend and everything that leads to intercourse, but when it comes to the actual penetration, I hate it. I don't know why, but I just want it to be over. I feel like crying. I don't know why I don't like it because all of my friends enjoy it.","Although I am not entirely sure why you might be struggling in this area, an initial question I have is do you want to be intercourseually active at this time or is this something that you feel pressured into doing.?  If you feel pressured into being intercourseually active by your friends or boyfriend it is understandable that you want it to be over.  I would encourage you to ask your boyfriend to be patient with you at this time  until you figure out what is going on.  I encourage you to then think very deeply about what your reservations, if any,  about being intercourseually active.  Do you fear pregnancy?  Are there problems in the relationship?  Are you afraid of the emotional intimacy?  Another question that comes to mind is whether or not you have any history of intercourseual activity that you did not consent to that might be getting in the way.   When these types of traumatic events occur,  people can essentially become triggered negatively by anything that reminds them of past trauma.  Such events can cause an aversion to intercourse even if there is now a loving relationship whom one wants to be intercourseually active with.  If this is the case I strongly recommend individual therapy to begin working through some of these issues.  A final area that you might explore would be whether or not you are experiencing pain with penetration.  If so, I would recommend that you schedule an appointment with a gynecologist to rule out any type of medical issues that might be causing these problems.  Although pain can also be associated with emotional issues, it is always good to rule out possible physical causes.   I hope that these ideas help to point you in the right direction.  Take care. " +"My toddler defies everything I say and doesn't see me as authoritative, so she says no about everything. I'd like to hear some ways I can work on not needing to feel so much in control all the time."," That's a good question. I would say learn to pick your battles. What types of behavior/situations can you let go of? If you allow yourself to worry about the various areas in life that you cannot control, you will find yourself stressed out and unable to manage everything. Know that toddlerhood comes with lots of ""no's,"" tantrums, non-compliance, and a growing need for independence. When your toddler does something that you don't approve of, remain calm, explain to him/her the appropriate way to act, and model it for him/her. Remember to give your toddler praise when he/she does something good or acceptable. Be consistent and follow through with your instructions. Finally, know that you are not alone. Parenting comes with its set of challenges but all you can do is your very best. Good luck to you! " +"I love my boyfriend and everything that leads to intercourse, but when it comes to the actual penetration, I hate it. I don't know why, but I just want it to be over. I feel like crying. I don't know why I don't like it because all of my friends enjoy it."," Does your boyfriend notice that you hate intercourse? If ""yes"", then it is a topic which the two of you would gain deeper understanding of each other, by discussing. If ""no"", then possibly one reason for hating intercourse is that your boyfriend doesn't notice who you are as a person, not simply a physical body engaged in intercourse. " +Why am I so afraid of it? I don't understand.," Your fear is somewhat reasonable.  No one wants to be raped and I imagine everyone is afraid of what being raped would feel like. Do you mean that this fear is on your mind more often than you would like? If this is the case, then try understanding the reason behind your fear. Is it because you personally know or know of someone who was raped?   One general direction of what would help is to regain confidence in your decisions of keeping yourself safe.  The more you trust yourself to avoid social situations with lots of drinking, isolated physical surroundings, and being in isolated locations with someone with whom you're not very familiar, probably your fear will decrease. The other general direction to understand is if in your family history, people have been violated severely, either emotionally, mentally, or physically. In families in which people have suffered severe violations of themselves, often the emotional patterning of expecting to be hurt by others, plants itself very deeply and transmits to the younger generation. Its possible then, that you are suffering from fears established in other family members who have not yet been able to fully understand and accept their own suffering. The good news is that individual therapy, with a credentialed and licensed therapist, is ideal for a safe place to open and clear this type of emotional burden. " +"I have no idea what happened. I go places and do things but still feel lonely. I honestly have no friends, and I am always the one texting people and bothering people. I feel invisible, like someone that no one wants to be around."," A lot of times any and each of us creates what we need for ourselves by seeing other people as creating these circumstances and situations. Is it possible that at this time period in your life, being alone is positive for sorting through your true values or sorting through key situations in your life? If ""yes"", then possibly you are giving yourself some alone time, even though to some degree being alone is not your first choice. At the very least, since you aren't happy with being the one who texts others, then some alone time may encourage new thoughts and ideas creating more open space within you to attract other people who do enjoy texting you first. Also, most relationships are not forever.   Is it possible you are at a phase when some relationships are simply closing down so that you have clear space within your life for new and different activity? " +"My toddler defies everything I say and doesn't see me as authoritative, so she says no about everything. I'd like to hear some ways I can work on not needing to feel so much in control all the time.", Trust that you are a good mother and that you love your child. Trust and love are their own authority and come from a different inner place than the urge to be obeyed. Trust and love are effective guidance and usually feel happier and lighter too! +"I have been diagnosed with posttraumatic stress disorder due to my military experiences. Not a year ago, I had a car accident. Could this experience add more problems?"," You are right on to recognize that the effects of trauma can be cumulative.  It is very possible that a car accident could lead to an increase in PTSD symptoms that were related to other traumatic experiences. If you have been deployed to a combat area, you are most likely eligible for free counseling services through the VA Vet Centers.  The Vet Center clinicians typically have a lot of experience working with military trauma. Here's a link to a directory of Vet Centers: http://www.va.gov/directory/guide/vetcenter.asp Your service and sacrifice is greatly appreciated.  " +"I have family issues, and my dad was both violent and a cheater."," I can imagine how incredibly difficult this must be for you. Having past traumatic experiences creap up on you without warning can be very scary and stressful. You may be suffering from symptoms related to post-traumatic stress disorder. Getting evaluated by a professional would be a good step to take next. By seeking treatment and having a therapist who you trust and can connect with, you will gain the ability to think about your experiences without it significantly interfering with your daily functioning. A therapist can also help you to develop new coping stragies to be used during recall of these experiences and help you to adopt healthy thought patterns. I would also recommend that you seek support from loved ones. Sometimes just talking about your experiences and associated feelings will alleviate some of the emotional troubles you are suffering from. Lastly, you may find meditation or mindfulness work to be of great benefit. Having the ability to live in the present moment should reduce the effects of your traumatic experiences interfering with recalling your past or looking forward to your future. I wish you all the best! " +"I have family issues, and my dad was both violent and a cheater."," Hi New York, There's no way to keep your past from affecting your present and future, because it's a huge part of who we are. The GOOD news is, though, that the effect doesn't have to be negative. I'm met many people who have horrific pasts and it helps them know confidently, every day, what kind of person they want to be and what kind of world they want to live in, and it helps them make really great decisions. You can accept your past, integrate your traumas and move forward in a very different way.  If you see negative ways in which your past affects you (and this is also common), you are wise to seek professional help. Without knowing more, it's impossible to give you a lot of direction here. Basically, our past creates emotional ""bruises"" that are touch on and triggered by present situations. But our reactions are often about more than just the present moment. I think you know that. I wish you the best as you sort it out.   " +"Over the course of a few days, my wife was unsure about her feelings for me due to constant intimacy issues. After she thought things through, she came to the realization that she is no longer ""in love"" or attracted romantically to me. She instead has more of a platonic love and just cares for me as just ""family."" At that point, she said our marriage was over. Now over the course of the last few days, she has taken a ""friendship"" from a coworker. She insists there is nothing more than friends, but she has spent all her free time with him."," Hi Portland, This must feel like your world is turned upside down, for your wife to declare her confusion, followed closely by resignation, followed closely by a new ""friend"". I get how upsetting this is. If I was your therapist, I'd want to explore this a good deal, because there are several possibilities concerning what might be happening. Be careful not to jump to conclusions.  Sometimes people have been slowly ""falling out of love"" for a long time, and often this is due to some (perhaps unnamed) unmet need in the marriage. She may have been coming to this point over a period of time, and has only finally said so.  It's also possible that your wife is going through some temporary crisis...she's changing and personally unhappy and blaming the marriage for it. Only she can help herself through this (she could get the help of a therapist, but it's not your place to tell her to do this).  Or, it's possible she's met this new ""friend"" and her attachment to him has clouded her view, or clarified something for her.   Right now, it's important that you respect your wife's decision to separate, if she's asking for that. We can't trap people in a marriage. If she needs separation, or distance, then it's respectful to give her that. That doesn't mean that you have to give up on the marriage right now. I would seek the support of a therapist who can help you sort out what YOU want; whether it's to move on with your life, or wait patiently for a period of time.  I can't predict what will happen here. But you can find out what the best path for you is. I wish you the best. " +"My daughter didn't see her biological father for the last three years. She doesn't want to see him because she remember really bad things from him such as domestic violence and child abuse. The visitation is with supervision, but she refuses to see him. Is it better to take my daughter to the therapist and try to see him after the therapy?"," Hi Dillon, I'm from Canada, so I don't know the laws in your state. It depends on that a good deal, perhaps.  In my opinion, a child should never be forced into a situation where they feel unsafe, even if it is ""supervised"". If the child is old enough to make a strong statement about not wanting to see a parent, then this should be honoured.  Unfortunately, the laws don't always uphold a parent's right to do what is best for their child. I recommend you see a lawyer, who will advise you about how to proceed without putting yourself at risk of breaching custody agreements. If you feel your daughter can benefit from therapy, that is a separate question. Or is she already in therapy? A family therapist will typically meet with you alone first, in order to determine if therapy is a wise move for your child. It isn't always appropriate.  " +My partner seems to always get depressed over the fact that his kids have to see and go through the divorce process. It's especially when the mother of his kids keeps making him feel bad and using the kids as an excuse to get back at him. I feel like just telling him to go back with his family and forget about me.," Hold on, Sanger! You know, I meet with a lot of people who are so sick of the crap that their ex puts them through in the divorce process that yes, they wonder if it's best to go back. I don't think so. If your ex is using the children to manipulate, or is generally controlling the separation process, that's confirmation that getting out was the right decision. Your partner feels powerless to change the current situation. Of course he does, because there are many things that are beyond his control (his ex's behaviours, for one). Accept the powerlessness. Lean into it. It's okay, because there are many things he does have power over, and that's where he can focus.  He has the power to give his children a happy dad. That's HUGE. That's why he left, I'd guess. I bet the main barrier to him being happy is the guilt he feels. That's his ex's voice...that's what she wants him to feel...to give into that is letting her win. Ending a marriage in order to be happy is his right. He has not intentionally harmed his children. Hopefully he's aware that the separation has  affected them and he's working to create peace and balance in their lives, but he's can let go of the shame she wants him to feel; it's crippling him. He has the power to separate emotionally from his ex. He's not doing that when he lets her words control his emotions. He's still reacting to her. He hasn't completely left yet. A good therapist can help your partner regulate his emotions, combat shame, create emotional distance from his ex and erect proper boundaries. He needs your support in moving forwards, not going backwards. I wish you the best.  " +"Whenever I run into a situation that makes me upset or angry, I tend to start cursing and badly offending the person I am confronting. I say mean things to let my anger out. Whenever people tell me stuff about my relationship (like starting rumors or saying negative things about me or my relationship) I lash out not just them but at my boyfriend. I feel like I keep causing drama due to my personality. I want to be a better person and learn to let things not get to me and be happy and graceful. I hurt the ones I love with my words. I want to be better for myself and them."," Congratulations on making your way to Step One, self-observation and deciding to change a feature about how you understand and relate to others. There is extraordinary strength in being willing to notice your effect on others and consider what changes are possible. Start on the inside track of your own heart and mind.  Once you're able to understand what is driving your emotions to the point where the only reasonable way of handling them is to curse and offend people, you'd have gotten a long way in knowing your own expectations of others and how far off the mark from this in your mind, they are. For example, if you expect others to always be accepting, tolerant and happy about situations with your boyfriend, and you're hearing otherwise from people, then you can prepare yourself for possible, less than positive comments about your relationship, or you can ask people to not comment to you about your relationship at all. Basically, the more you know about yourself and are willing to accept your right to ask others to respect your views, the easier and calmer time you'll have in handling comments from others that you're not glad hearing. Also, this is a long process because you'd be trying to change long time and deep patterns of interacting. Be patient with your own learning curve and certainly consider therapy for yourself in order to have some outside guidance and support for the process you're placing yourself. " +"I have family issues, and my dad was both violent and a cheater."," Sorry that your growing up years in the family were so unsafe and painful. Everyone has family legacy patterns of behavior and ways of handling emotions, handed down to them simply by living. All of what any child observes and how they are treated within their family context, creates their foundational expectations of others. The best way of releasing yourself form hurtful interaction patterns is by being aware of your own feelings and intuition within close relationships. If you have a similar sense of hurt or that something is wrong, yet in a familiar way, then most likely you are in a relational pattern similar to the negative ones in your family of origin. This realization moment is your chance to more deeply see your own original trauma and try different ways of responding to these similar key situations. This type of work takes a lot of repeated effort because trauma is deep and childhood trauma is attached to loving ones parents. Expect slow progress and expect more than a few tears. If it feels overwhelming then a therapist for guidance and support would be very beneficial to the work you'd be doing within yourself. Sending lots of good luck! " +"My boyfriend recently got a kitty. I hate cats in general, and he knows it. It grosses me out and makes me very upset when he pets his cat. I want to throw out the cat. I feel very jealous."," Sorry for you and sorry for the cat because you're each in a tense position. What was the context of your boyfriend adopting a cat since he was aware that this would likely cause problems in the relationship with you? If you don't already know his answer, then find out.   Doing so will tell you a lot about your boyfriend's expectations about you.  Does he expect you to accept without question, whatever he does?  Does he care about your views?  Does a cat have some deep meaning for him that having one is essential to his life and he never told you so? Please don't be mean to the cat.  Its not the cat's fault for being in your boyfriend's care. There are plenty of other cats on this earth so throwing out the cat will not solve anything between you and your boyfriend. Who knows, your boyfriend may come back home with three more cats! Start with a conversation about your feelings and his interest in your feelings. " +"My daughter didn't see her biological father for the last three years. She doesn't want to see him because she remember really bad things from him such as domestic violence and child abuse. The visitation is with supervision, but she refuses to see him. Is it better to take my daughter to the therapist and try to see him after the therapy?"," Has the father or the visitation supervisor contacted you regarding why your daughter hasn't shown up for the past three years' worth of supervised visitation? Or is the supervised visitation a new development for the bio dad and your daughter? If no one is pressuring or expecting your daughter to show up, no one has even asked where she is, why she isn't present, then I don't see any reason for you to offer more effort by your daughter, than the father is willing to make for seeing her. If your daughter is willing to talk with a therapist, then let her find out first hand if the sessions seem useful or not. The one move I'd avoid is to force your daughter to go to a therapist since growing up in a household in which child abuse took place, being forced may remind her of her own feelings from this past, of feeling no one heard or cared about the way she wanted to be treated. " +"Whenever I run into a situation that makes me upset or angry, I tend to start cursing and badly offending the person I am confronting. I say mean things to let my anger out. Whenever people tell me stuff about my relationship (like starting rumors or saying negative things about me or my relationship) I lash out not just them but at my boyfriend. I feel like I keep causing drama due to my personality. I want to be a better person and learn to let things not get to me and be happy and graceful. I hurt the ones I love with my words. I want to be better for myself and them."," Hi California, I'm happy to hear you want to get a hold of this problem. Relationships don't tend to last when we treat people poorly. It is very possible for you to learn different ways of relating, with some strong effort. I would highly suggest working with a therapist, and I will give you a few things to think about in the interim. Sometimes anger is there because we feel something is unjust or unfair, but many times, anger is a ""secondary emotion"", and it's simply there to protect us from other, more vulnerable emotions that we would rather not feel and will do anything to avoid. Discovering what vulnerable emotions you are protecting yourself from is important. Perhaps you feel powerless, or unloved, or unimportant. It may take some time before you recognise this emotion.  Once you do, you can ask yourself about the other times in your life when you have felt that emotion. Where did it originate? At what age did you feel ""too much"" of that feeling...so much so that you can't stand it even in tiny amounts? You will learn in therapy to identify the thoughts you have that are connected to that feeling. They are typically incorrect thoughts, like ""No one lifes me"", or ""People will always hurt me"". Fear tends to generalize and predict bad things that aren't likely. Your habit is so strong that you likely have a poor sense of self-worth and you don't believe people will love you...so you hurt them to keep them at a distance. This happens in a subconscious level. Do you see how that would help you to keep people off balance or afraid or a distance away if you didn't believe in your worth? So, it's backwards really, because you think you're getting mad at people who ""piss you off"", but you're really just not wanting to face how mad you are at yourself. In addition to this work, you can start to purposely treat people more kindly. Find out what respect is, make amends and  resolve to spreading peace. It might sound too simple, but if you act as though you're a person of peace, you will start to feel more peaceful. But I hope you do contact a therapist. It will take time and support to reach your goal. " +"My son stole my debit card and lied about it. It's not the first time he has lied. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know if I should punish him or make him do something. I've tried talking to him and asking if anything was wrong. I have grounded him, but nothing works. What should I do?"," Hi Enid, You sound like a sensitive parent; I like that you talked to your son to see if anything is wrong. There is some key information here (I don't know your son's age, whether he spent any money, whether he put the card back, or how many times he's stolen), and my answer might be different depending on those details, but I'll give you my thoughts. I see it as every child's job to figure out the rules and find where their power is in the world. In order to accomplish that, many of them test limits. ""What can I get away with?"" is a question they have to find the answer to. If a child knows the rules, they're much more likely to not test limits (because they already know the limits). So, part of testing limits is experimenting with stealing and lying. Not all kids steal, but I would say pretty much every child lies at some point. It's a normal behaviour, and most of the time it's about small things that don't matter and we don't even find out.  Stealing a debit card is a bit more serious, and I'm not surprised he lied about it. If you absolutely know that he took it, it's okay to tell him that you believe he did this thing and also lied about it. It's appropriate to give a consequence for this type of behaviour, so that the child doesn't do it again. The consequence should be as natural and logical as possible. The behaviour (stealing) was harmful to you, so doing you a favour with extra chores might be a good idea.  It's funny, because as parents we try to tell our kids that lying is bad, but they know they'll get a consequence if they tell the truth so there are natural deterrents to being honest (we don't want people to know our mistakes). It's a dilemma. If you really want to focus on the lying part, you can tell him that you won't give him a consequence for the lying if he decides to come clean with the truth within one day. That gives him incentive to come to you with truth. It sometimes works with kids to give them a chance to come clean and then reward them for telling the truth.  You can set your child up for success and train them to tolerate honesty. Put a cookie on the counter. Tell your child to take the cookie at some point in the day. Then ask them later if they took the cookie. You're making honesty fun. Kids love games.  Basically, there's as much power in rewarding the positive behaviour as punishing the negative.  If this is the first serious offence for your son, don't make a big deal of it; consequence him and see if he learns. If it's a pattern, that's different and you may want the input of a therapist.  " +"I was hanging out with my close guy friend. We started kissing, but afterwards, he said that we should just stay friends because he doesn't want to ruin anything. We both just got out of relationships. His was very intercourseual. I'm not a intercourseual person, and he knows that. I want to be with him, but I'm not ready for another relationship, and I don't know if he ever will want to be more than friends."," Given that both you and your friend recently ended your respective romantic relationships, kissing each other sounds like each of you satisfied a very natural need which for right now does not has a natural source of satisfaction. Suddenly being without a partner is difficult because a relationship absorbs and offers much of a person's energy.  Stay focused on what you know about yourself, which is that you're not ready for another relationship. From what you describe about your friend, similar to you, he does not feel ready for a new relationship. If and when you feel ready to enter a new relationship and your friend seems attractive, then you'll be in a position to find out, either by approaching your friend as a potential partner, or by asking your question of his interest in you. Who knows? It is possible your friend will feel ready for a new relationship, approach you, and depending on your personal wishes to be or not be with who he has become, accept his offer. Good luck with Step One, becoming familiar with your new state of single hood, and sorting through the good news and bad news of your most recent relationship. " +"It's been almost a year since my ex-boyfriend broke up with me after he cheated on me many times. I had found out about a month before, but I hadn't told him I knew because I didn't want us to break up. I used to have very low self-esteem, and I think it might have to do with my dad being an alcoholic. My father cheated on my mother when I was little. I wonder if this pain has to do with that. My ex-boyfriend and I were only dating for five months, but I still can't get over this betrayal. I'm not sure what to feel to get over it: forgiveness? Hate? He helped me financially after our break up by lending me $3000, so I'm grateful for that. I still hate him for what he did and still want him to like me although we're not even talking anymore. We follow each other on Instagram and that's it. I feel like I still need his validation. This is haunting me day and night. I want to focus on my new relationship and goals, but I keep obsessing over this and keep checking my ex-boyfriend's Instagram and Facebook. I feel so bad and keep having nightmares."," The dilemmas you present are giving you a great chance to understand your true reasons for being in a relationship. Continue developing some points you've written here. That you grew up sensing and/or witnessing your mom's emotional pain from your dad cheating on her, very likely set a standard in your inner self, to expect similar circumstances in your relationship life. This is a natural dynamic which happens for all of us.  What we observe in our growing up households is what we understand as ""normal"", no matter how bad it actually is. After all, children don't have the ability to separate that what their own parents do, is wrong compared with the rest of our culture. It is natural to long for a relationship. What you have the chance to do now, is distinguish the reasons for your longing. Is it to attach to someone who has hurt you, hasn't shown you any understanding of having hurt you, and whose validation, even if he says validating words, has little meaning because people who validate are not the ones who harm us? If you're able to teach yourself that those who love us do not harm us, and to develop new expectations for yourself of feeling good from how your partner treats you, then you will be showing yourself a road that will benefit you for your entire lifetime. " +"I just had a newborn. When I brought him home, my mom told me to leave. Now I'm in a women's home. I don't see my boyfriend that often because he works. The women's place is helping me find an apartment so I can go back to work and get child care."," Congrats on the birth of your son! Was your mom's request for you to leave her house, one which she asked awhile ago or was this her greeting when you walked in the door? My question is whether your mom had some changed circumstance in her life, whether she and you discussed living arrangements prior to your son's birth, or whether nothing was talked about, you assumed you'd be living with her, she assumed you wouldn't, and the two of you didn't speak to one another about any of this. Depending on the answers, there may be clues as to handling future expectations of others, especially your mom. From what you write, the women's home is supportive of your basic daily living needs.   It is good news that the people who run this home know and offer community resources. In your interactions with the staff of the women's home, ask all the questions necessary so you'll have a clear understanding of the apartment lease, anything at all that is on your mind about becoming employed and finding childcare. The point is to have all the major steps you're about to start, addressed. This way, you'll be minimizing the possibility of any sudden bad news by the women's home, told to you. Sending lots of good luck! " +"I have been married for 20 years. He and I both cheated. I hid my cheating for 14 years. Over that time, I let life stress me out. I became depressed. When I finally woke up, he felt I had pushed him out."," Do you both want to fix the marriage? The relationship belongs to both of you so that one working without the other cooperating in this work too, will have one person who does all the changing. This dynamic itself creates problems of its own. About your husband telling you he feels pushed out, did he do anything on his own to address his problem of feeling like this? All you state is that he blames you for creating a situation he didn't like. If he did nothing because he felt unsure what to do, anything which shows he understands he has as vital a part in the marriage as you, is ok. Because affairs create mistrust between two people, the two of you would also need to be very aware to regain each other's trust. Talking as much as possible so you both know what goes on in the life of the other, how you each are feeling, what matters to you, is helpful to grow a new foundation for your marriage's future. " +"My ex-boyfriend boyfriend and I lived together. He had a two year affair with a girl and had three pregnancies with her. One was an abortion, another was a miscarriage, and then she had the third baby. They are not together, but he continues to contact me and wants me back. He has nothing to offer me."," Hi Attica, This is a question I think a lot of people deal with...they feel confusion about why they can't forget about or get over (or stop connecting with) someone who they absolutely know isn't good for them.  In your case, part of the problem is that he keeps trying to get back in touch with you. For some people, honestly, it's a game... to see how much power they have over you or it's their need to control you. If you don't want contact from this person, it's really important to give him clear messages about boundaries (""Don't contact me again""), and then ignore all of their communications. Any interactions or responses from you at all will feed their behaviour. Remind yourself why you don't want to be with them. I hear you doing that already when you say ""he has nothing to offer me"". That's great self-talk. But let's get back to the question of why we have a hard time letting go of people like this. Sometimes it's because we still hope they will change. Maybe we remember who they used to be or how they used to treat us, and we think it can go back to the way it felt in those ""good old days"". The problem there is that, over the first few years, as intimacy grows, people tend to show more of who they are, not less. So what they're eventually showing you is who they are and what they're capable of. People do change and grow, but it won't happen at your pace. Accept that person for who they are and stop expecting them to change.  Another reason we can't let go is because we picture our ex with someone new in the future and we wonder if they will be a better person for the next partner in their life. This is a normal... but not a healthy... thought. It's as though we want them to stay, maybe apologize, and heal our hurts; maybe make up for past mistakes. You deserve that healing, you deserve better than you got, you deserve apologies, but to expect that from the person who hurt you and hasn't demonstrated that compassion as yet is probably foolhardy.  It is my belief that underlying some of the above scenarios is the deep belief that we must somehow be responsible for the hurts our exes have caused. If you blame yourself in any way for someone's poor treatment of you, you will be dancing around trying to do things differently so that they can treat you better. It will be impossible to let go, because you blame yourself for their behaviours. Draw a line. Their behaviours are about them, not you, and the only solution is to challenge and reduce thoughts of them, and create physical and emotional distance. These things plus time will help the events of the past fade from importance.  " +"I was never like this. Recently this year (my first year of high school), I started getting emotional for no reason."," Hello Vancouver, It's really common for people to become very upset over small things sometimes. The small thing is a ""trigger"", and the emotions aren't so much about that event that's happening in the present; they are more connected to old events that evoked the same feeling. You've likely had too much of that feeling in your life and you've developed a sensitivity to it. Look at the small events that are triggers for you and ask yourself what same or similar emotion they evoke. If there's anger there, look underneath that. Is it powerlessness, worthlessness, hurt, shame...?  Then ask yourself when in your life you've experienced TOO much of that feeling. As a child, maybe, but not necessarily.  That's the first step, and combined with empathy, compassion and self-esteem, you're starting to build what I call an emotional air conditioner. A good therapist can help you with the rest of this process and with learning ways of coping with emotions daily. I wish you the best.  " +"I have a really bad temper. I get mad very easily then stay like that the whole day. I don't mean to be that way, but I can't help it."," A lot of times the anger someone expresses is from feeling a deep level hurt within themselves.    A surface situation, like, a store told you they'd have delivery of a certain item by Tuesday, and when that particular Tuesday comes, the store doesn't have what they told you they would, and you are furious. The fury may have more with many times before in your life, having been deeply let down by someone who mattered to your life at the time, who similarly promised something and failed to deliver whatever it. If at the time of feeling let down by someone important in your life, the relationship didn't allow for honest expression of all your emotions, you'd have learned to hold in what you realized would not be tolerated if you expressed it clearly. Without practice of being heard when feeling hurt by someone, eventually the person, possibly you, learned to contain and contain your emotions. It is possible that the anger you feel at a variety of situations lately, are muting hurt feelings that you've understood from relating to meaningful people in your personal history, to not talk about. As a way to find out if you feel other emotions in addition to anger, take some time to reflect on what triggered your anger and whether its possible that hurt emotions which nobody whom you know wants to hear,  are really the underlying source of your upset. I hope you will enjoy some new discoveries about yourself and your emotions! " +"About a month ago, I went through my boyfriend's phone and found him messaging his ex-girlfriend that he was dating before me. He gave her a promise ring when they were together, and he still had it hiding in his memory box in our son's room. I found many things on his phone, but that broke my heart the most. He deleted all the messages but two. I can't help thinking they were talking about the old times together or something like that. It really kills me, and I can't stop thinking about it."," Your sense of hurt is very understandable. Do you and your boyfriend have an agreement on looking through each other's phones? I ask because the overall problem sounds like lack of trust and that there may be a difference in what each of you wants and expects from your relationship. Probably if the two of you talk about these topics and you each become clear as to the commitment status of each of you to the other, you'll have more clarity as to what either of you would like from the other. With this new level of clarity, his  past relationship involvements will likely be less meaningful . Once you have clear definition of the two of you as a couple, who he was as a past partner to someone else, will matter very little. " +"I noticed lately that I've been thinking a lot about death. I don't want to die, and I'm not suicidal. I just think about what would happen if I died or if someone I loved died. I imagine how sad everyone I know would be. I know it isn't worth it, and I definitely want to live and have a future. I just think about it. When I'm driving, I sometimes imagine what would happen if I just let go of the wheel and kept going."," I'll respond to your speculation that if you let go of the steering wheel while driving, you'll end up quite seriously hurt, at the very least.    It is fine to play in your mind with ""what ifs"".   People who write horror movie scripts most likely have some terrible sounding stories and suppositions. If you trust yourself to actually not follow through with an idea that may kill you, and you recognize the difference between thinking dangerous things and doing dangerous things, then go to the next step of understanding more about your thoughts on death. Since you wonder about being missed if you die, it is possible your thoughts about death are from feeling that you are metaphysically dead to people in your life whom you wish would show more interest in you. Play around with your idea as to why you'd consider how people will feel about you if you're not in their lives. This may offer some insight as to your expectations of current relationships with others. " +"I've been experiencing a lot of anxiety and panic attacks lately. I was recently diagnosed by my psychiatrist with obsessive-compulsive disorder. Lately, I've been questioning everything from my career to my relationship. My boyfriend and I just moved in a few months ago. All of a sudden, I don't feel as comfortable around him as I used to, although I can't seem to find a reason as to why I feel this way."," Hi New Jersey, You talk about two very big changes in your life that have happened lately; the diagnosis/anxiety, and the moving in together. That's a lot! I love how you recognise that you been 'questioning everything'. I think anxiety's got its toe in the door and it's pushing you around, wanting some power over you. Fear and anxiety try to convince us that we need protection and that it's best to either pull away or fight. But letting anxiety control how you see your relationship isn't the answer here. I think you know that already. You must have moved in with him for a reason, and it's appropriate now to simply trust that, to ask him for some patience, and to focus on learning to manage the anxiety rather than questioning this decision to move in. Fear is getting in the way of you trusting yourself and your decision. You can figure the anxiety piece out while living with your boyfriend. When you're in a bit of a crisis is not the right time to make a major change. I suggest you use a therapist who works with cognitive behavioural therapy to learn to manage the anxiety, and then the relationship will likely seem more clear. " +"My husband and I have been together for seven years now. I will be honest: I have a problem lying to him about stupid stuff. I recently stupidly lied to my husband about an accident because I was afraid to tell him what happened. Ever since then, he gives me the cold shoulder. He gets so mad and ignores me for days. He's really verbally and emotionally abusive. He tells me all the bad things about me and calls me awful names. Should we call it quits? I'm tired of crying, but we have a toddler together."," Hi Texas, Thanks for your honesty; it helps me know where to go in answering you. What strikes me in your question is that you describe several ways in which your husband is hurtful/abusive/controlling with you, and then you ask ""Should we call it quits?"". We? I wonder if maybe the first step is for you to start seeing this decision as yours, rather than yours together.  The way your husband treats you is not your fault, Texas. Your lies are a natural and normal way of you avoiding situations and encounters that feel unsafe for you. The problem is not your lying. The problem is that you don't feel safe enough to be honest with a person you're supposed to be able to trust. There's an analogy that I sometimes use; I don't know if this is scientifically true or simply a useful story, but it's powerful either way, so I will tell it to you. If you take a frog and drop it into a pot of boiling water, the frog will jump out immediately, knowing instinctively that if it stays in the pot, it will die. If you take a frog, however, and put it in a pot of cold water, and slowly, slowly, heat it to boiling, the frog will boil to death because it will fail to recognise the moment when it no longer has the energy to jump out of the pot; by the time it realises it's dying, it has lost its strength.  It's called ""learned helplessness"". When your power or your voice has been taken away for a long time, you get used to that, and you fail to see the options that are available to you.  You have a toddler, and you may be under the impression that staying in the marriage is best for the child. In my experience, and what research backs up, is that children first and foremost need a safe environment and parents who are happy. You are likely underestimating the effects on your child of living in a home with woman abuse.  This is a complex picture, and if you were my client, I would want to get you to a stronger place emotionally where you're seeing the situation clearly and gathering resources and supports before you make any big decisions, but I do see that there are decisions that are there for you to make that can lead to a happy life for you and your child.  I sincerely hope you seek professional help, with either a shelter for abused women or a therapist. I wish you the best. " +"I'm depressed. I have been for years. I hide it from everyone because I'm scared of the reactions I'll get. Last time I tried telling my parents, it was a huge argument about me being too young to be depressed (I'm a legal adult), calling me ungrateful, and telling me that if I can't handle things now, it's only going to get worse in the future (which is turning out to be true). It's exhausting pretending to be okay, and I don't know how much longer I can try. I'm just really tired, and sadly, I can't afford the help I need on my own."," Hi Georgia, There's a really good lesson here. People tell us things, and we tend to think that's the truth...but it's not! I'll do some translating for you... ""You're so ungrateful"" means ""I need you to be successful and happy in order for me to feel I'm a good parent"". ""You're too young to be depressed"" means ""I don't want to deal with your mental health issues right now. I'll pretend it's not happening so I don't have to face my fear and shame"". ""It's only going to get worse"" just means ""I don't know how to support you beyond scaring you into wanting to at least fake happiness for my sake"". Your parents are being unsupportive, not because you're not suffering, but because this is all they're capable of right now. They are not where you will find the support you need, so keep looking for it in other places. It's out there. If might be an aunt or a friend, or a friend's aunt. It might be a therapist or a bus driver or your family doctor. Keep looking for someone who will hear you. I hope you don't ever give up. :) " +"I was texting a guy who wasn't my boyfriend, and my boyfriend found out. We work together, so he went to work and told everyone I was cheating on him. I moved out of the house. There have been previous problems, and I feel like I'm usually the issue here. In order for us to move on, he wants me to sign this contract that he wrote out listing things he doesn't want me to do anymore. I'm wondering if this a healthy relationship to save or if I should walk away."," Hi Dallas,  While I think it's healthy for both members of a couple to have things that they need from each other and to talk about that, your situation sounds one-sided and rigid. Will you have a list too? There are elements of control here: humiliating you in front of coworkers, saying you have to sign the contract before you can move forward...does he decide when you move in and out? Your passive aggressive communications with the other man and your difficulty in knowing what direction you want also hint that maybe you don't have a voice in this relationship. Do you have a voice? If you are uncomfortable with the contract, are you listening to your own voice? If you can't hear your own voice, maybe it's time to sit down with a therapist and strengthen yourself so you can at least know what you feel and want. No relationship is all good or all bad (wouldn't that make it easy?) Relationships don't come with billboards that tell us what to do. They don't come with crystal balls that tell us what will happen (except that past behaviour is a good predictor). You have everything you need in order to make the best decision for you right now, except clarity, and his control may be what is making things muddy for you. You're too busy blaming yourself to see the situation clearly. A therapist can help you stop blaming yourself and see what your situation is. " +I am on my own with my daughter. I am so worried and stressed about her.," Your instinct to help your daughter, is natural. How you proceed depends a lot on whether she recognizes she has a psychological and emotional problem, or if only you see this from observing her. Also, her age matters a lot in what way would be most likely to succeed in addressing the problems you describe. If you and your daughter have different opinions as to whether or not she has problems, and she is above the legal age of when you have authority over her life, then you can only suggest to her that therapy may benefit her. If your daughter is in your legal control, then you can locate a counselor nearby, discuss your situation with that person, and depending on the outcome, you'd be within your parenting right to take your daughter to a counselor. Starting therapy without willingness to do so, is risky.  The person may feel resentful enough to not participate.   And, sometimes the counselor is skillful enough to find a path to your daughter, or any patient's self-interest and engage them in therapy. Family counseling, regardless of your daughter's age, is another way to bring your concerns to your daughter's attention, in a therapy environment in which a counselor would be able to help distinguish the seriousness of your daughter's psychological problem, from simply a difference in viewpoints between you and your daughter, in how to handle certain situations. Also, if you believe your daughter is a threat to herself, then instead of this slower route, get in touch with the emergency psychological assessment service in your town, for a more immediate response. " +"I don't know how to have emotions. I never had any from my birth. Being human, I think of myself as a monster. I enjoy pain. I cut myself for my climax during intercourse. I think most of the time, I lie, even when sometimes it would have been easy just to tell the truth. I was in rehabilitation for four year. I have made love with both men and women, but it made no impact in my emotions. The books that I enjoy reading H.P. Lovecraft and Edgar Allen Poe. I go hunting every Saturday. I feel powerful. I don't enjoy the killing of the creature, but the hunt of it and to eat and drink the flesh and blood of the creature."," I'm not sure that you don't feel emotion or that you are frightened of the depth of your emotions.  From what you write, the context of your growing up years had people telling you to not feel.  Little kids and babies don't remember whether or not they had emotions since birth.  This is information someone told you or was part of your family system. Possibly your family was afraid of their emotions or of you knowing yours. Similarly, your comparison of being human means being monster like, is not an obvious connection.  Besides, monsters are an idea, they aren't real.  They embody what someone considers the worst qualities of themselves or the human species.  Again, I wonder whether you've taken on stories you heard growing up about how unacceptable and bad you are. A way to start learning your emotions is to start in simple, basic ways to ask yourself what you are feeling in the situations that you believe emotions would belong. If on the first bright sunny and warm day of the year, you remind yourself to notice what you're feeling in response to this, you'll be taking one step toward awareness of your emotions. If someone buys you a birthday present, be aware of how you feel.  Keep adding awareness to situations and see if this builds an ease with feeling emotions. " +"I've been experiencing a lot of anxiety and panic attacks lately. I was recently diagnosed by my psychiatrist with obsessive-compulsive disorder. Lately, I've been questioning everything from my career to my relationship. My boyfriend and I just moved in a few months ago. All of a sudden, I don't feel as comfortable around him as I used to, although I can't seem to find a reason as to why I feel this way."," How is your boyfriend responding to your discomfort around him? Has he told you that he's noticed changes in you? The good news about a relationship is that you can talk about matters with the other person.  Doing so can only help clarify feelings and what either of you expect from the relationship.   Given that the two of you recently moved in together, it is natural for new dynamics, feelings and expectations to arise.  It just adds to the reasonableness of talking with each other about how living together feels to each of you. Psychiatrists earn their living by diagnosing people and telling them to take pills.  Very often, just being told the person has a ""condition"" makes them feel fragile and less capable than they actually are. Anxiety and panic attacks do mean that there is a great deal of emotion and situation needing to be addressed. It is the normal sign of having to address many or deep matters.    Be patient and give yourself time to learn the details of your relationship and whatever the career particulars are that are bothering you.   You're apparently self-aware since you're the one describing your own problematic situations.   Keep the label of being ""disordered"", aside.  Psychiatry labels do more good for psychiatrists than they do for people who are trying to live their lives. " +"My mother-in-law is mentally ill. She has been for most of her life. She cuts herself. She has been in and out of psychiatric hospitals for about 40 years. She has voices in her head that tell her to cut herself. She has had multiple shock therapy treatments, and she's on enough medication to take down an elephant. Her parental rights for her two children were taken away from her when my husband was a boy—he is now in his late 30s. She doesn't even have custody of herself. She hasn't asked yet, but she has been insinuating that she wants to babysit my child. How do I go about saying no without creating an issue?"," Hi Fontana, Thanks for providing all the details needed in order to respond to your question. It seems very clear to me that ""no"" would be the appropriate response. I like your healthy boundaries, and I'll help you explore possible ways to respond to her.  First, she hasn't asked yet, and you don't know that she will. Right now, you can pleasantly ignore her hints. They're not hurting you and if you ignore them, they're more likely to go away. You can address and reduce your own anxiety about the possibility of her asking by reassuring yourself that you have the right as parents to make this decision, and that if she's offended, that doesn't mean that you're being mean; it means that she has unrealistic expectations. So, the first goal is to put it out of your mind as a worry. You might never have to face that moment. But, I understand that you want to be prepared. As her son, perhaps your husband is the best one to answer the question, should it ever come. Is he willing to do this? But if you are comfortable, and if you're the one she asks, you can confidently give her a simple, honest response about why it won't happen. And I would suggest presenting a firmly closed door, rather than saying ""but maybe later"". No need to apologize or hum and haw... ""We love that you want to be around Junior, and we definitely want you in his/her life. (try to leave out the ""but"" here). You're not in a healthy place, and we're not comfortable with you caring for him/her on your own."" If she pushes the issue, this is evidence of her denial or inappropriate boundaries. I'd let her know that it's not negotiable, that you understand if she's disappointed, but you're not open to discussing the issue. Really, there's nothing to discuss. Learning not to take responsibility for her emotions is part of having an ill person in your life. I wish you the best. " +"I have known her for years. She was dating my brother-in-law when we met. My kids think of her as their aunt. On Halloween 2014, I lost my mom to cancer. My mom and dad were still married when she passed away. My friend was there for me through that and my own cancer diagnosis. She has been a very big part of both me and my kids' life, but now last month, my dad told me that he really likes my friend and wants to marry her. She's like a sister to me. My kids hate the idea."," How are you measuring whether or not your dad understands your wish? Your dad understanding your wish does not mean he will necessarily follow through with what you want. Based on what you describe about your relationship to the woman in question, your discomfort with the idea of your dad marrying your friend, is reasonable. Have the conversation with your dad that includes your viewpoint, and also ask him for his impression of your feelings. Its even possible he already has considered your feelings and hasn't yet told you. It is also possible that a conversation on the subject, as well as your dad following through with his decision to marry your best friend, may develop in a very positive way. Part of the current uneasiness you feel may be from fear of how a change in circumstances and introducing new relationship dynamics might feel. Given that the person who died was your mom, maybe your emotions are not yet ready seeing your dad with a replacement spouse.  Try to see the situation from the point of everyone, including yourself, who is involved in this major change.  Maybe having a family discussion about acceptance and readiness to accept a new partner for your dad, would open new empathy for all of these family members. " +"My wife and I have a great relationship except for our intercourse lives. We are pretty transparent and honest, and basically, she feels bad because she never wants to have intercourse. She doesn't have the desire. She's also never orgasmed. She feels like a terrible wife and fears I'll cheat on her. She doesn't know why. Last time we had intercourse, she cried and felt bad and didn't know why she cried. However, she also told me that the last time we had intercourse, she felt me in her, but it just felt ""ehh"" and wanted to stop. That makes me feel really awful. We rarely have foreplay. Everything I try tickles her, so she makes me stop. We are both frustrated but very much in love. She and I are in our early 20s. We're married and we have a baby on the way."," Congrats on your upcoming baby! Its possible that the pregnancy is diminishing your wife's intercourse drive. From everything you describe about your wife, she sounds to not yet have become comfortable with having a wish for intercourse. The other side of the intercourse equation is you and your relative ease with having intercourse and whether it is for physical release or as an expression of love, some of each. Since you talk with each other honestly then start with a dialogue about what you each would like from intercourse with each other, from perspective of giving and receiving intercourse.  Hopefully this will open up some new light on your respective feelings. Really, there is a lot to navigate in a conversation about physical and emotional intimacy.   If these are not the types of discussions the two of you are used to having, a couples therapist is a good idea so you both become familiar and learn how to more easily articulate some of your respective deep feelings. " +I've recently thought that i could be transgender but I've never had the mind of a girl.," Hello Frostproof, Thinking about becoming transgender and being transgender are slightly different.  This is a topic that is best discussed with a therapist that specializes in LGBTQ issues.  From what you have written it sounds as if you still have some confusion as to where you fit in with the ""labeling system"".  While labels provide a means to quickly identify and classify, they can also feel restrictive or confining.  Instead of focusing on fitting into a specific classification, explore who you are as a person and celebrate your positive qualities and those things that make you uniquely you!  There are many options for you to find a therapist and e-therapy is also an option.  You can try Breakthrough an online service.   Here is some reading for refection that you may find helpful.  Yin Yang Woman Man http://dld.bz/ejVK2  What does it mean to be a woman or a man? predict separation and divorce. " +"I am broke, but I am sure I have been depressed for the past couple of years. I have always had anxiety. I just need someone to talk to right now. I don't have any friends or family I can talk to. I'm on the verge of just giving up."," Good question. There are resources out there - people to talk to. I'd try going to this link and calling the free 24/7 hotline: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ " +"My wife and I have a great relationship except for our intercourse lives. We are pretty transparent and honest, and basically, she feels bad because she never wants to have intercourse. She doesn't have the desire. She's also never orgasmed. She feels like a terrible wife and fears I'll cheat on her. She doesn't know why. Last time we had intercourse, she cried and felt bad and didn't know why she cried. However, she also told me that the last time we had intercourse, she felt me in her, but it just felt ""ehh"" and wanted to stop. That makes me feel really awful. We rarely have foreplay. Everything I try tickles her, so she makes me stop. We are both frustrated but very much in love. She and I are in our early 20s. We're married and we have a baby on the way."," That sounds really challenging for both of you. Differences in intercourseual desire between partners is common and can create real friction and conflict. I would encourage you to do some couples counselling or intercourse therapy as often these issues can be worked through and low intercourseual desire can result from relational fears and misunderstandings or intercourse that isn't as arousing as is possible. There are some good videos on this resource page about intercourseuality and intimacy and a video that specifically addresses desire differences in relationships.  " +"My wife and I have a great relationship except for our intercourse lives. We are pretty transparent and honest, and basically, she feels bad because she never wants to have intercourse. She doesn't have the desire. She's also never orgasmed. She feels like a terrible wife and fears I'll cheat on her. She doesn't know why. Last time we had intercourse, she cried and felt bad and didn't know why she cried. However, she also told me that the last time we had intercourse, she felt me in her, but it just felt ""ehh"" and wanted to stop. That makes me feel really awful. We rarely have foreplay. Everything I try tickles her, so she makes me stop. We are both frustrated but very much in love. She and I are in our early 20s. We're married and we have a baby on the way."," Have you guys ruled out medical disorders. There is new data that post part depression starts in the pregnancy before baby is delivered. There maybe those factors .Please check out those arenas, firstly.  Then consider marital therapy services. Relationship changes with the time passing and with the time and care deposits of investment onto the relationship bank account.  Thanks for this opportunity to answer some of ya.alls. relationship intimacy concerns. " +"My wife and I have a great relationship except for our intercourse lives. We are pretty transparent and honest, and basically, she feels bad because she never wants to have intercourse. She doesn't have the desire. She's also never orgasmed. She feels like a terrible wife and fears I'll cheat on her. She doesn't know why. Last time we had intercourse, she cried and felt bad and didn't know why she cried. However, she also told me that the last time we had intercourse, she felt me in her, but it just felt ""ehh"" and wanted to stop. That makes me feel really awful. We rarely have foreplay. Everything I try tickles her, so she makes me stop. We are both frustrated but very much in love. She and I are in our early 20s. We're married and we have a baby on the way."," I suggest seeking the support of an AASECT certified intercourse therapist to help work through much of the issues you address, you simply may need some really qualified support. Also, you might be interested in watching Esther Perel's ted talk on the secret to desire in a long term relationship, and/or you might want to sign up for my own 8-part-series on Reconnecting Parent Couples " +"I'm a young adult woman, and I have trouble finding my true identity being at home. This all started when I had a boyfriend about 10 months ago. My boyfriend and I were dating for a couple months and decided to get in to intercourseual acts. At the time, I was pretty religious, but I let this happen. I don't know why. I felt kind of guilty but mostly because I know my parents wouldn't like it. My parents are very religious—they're Christians. We did things every time he'd come over to my house. We didn't have anything to do at our house, so we would get tempted to do things when we'd watch movies by ourselves. + +One day, my parents found out I did this stuff with him because my dad read my messages. As soon as my dad found this out, he told my mom. They were both aggravated. They told me he was just a boy that wanted to get inside my pants. They said he wanted me for intercourse and he's not a Christian. I took their advice and broke up with him. Once we broke up for about a month, I decided to get back together with him a little after school started. My parents found out eventually, and I decided to not listen this time. I would constantly talk to my boyfriend about what they say about him: how's he's not the right one for me, and God totally forbids him. I would kind of try to break up with him, and then eventually I would just never listen to my parents. They're always yelling at me about how I shouldn't date this boy. I felt too old to listen to them. Now I'm kind of just stuck. Is the real me religious? Have I been brainwashed by him? I don't talk to my parents anymore about him, and my parents think I'm deceiving because of it. They threatened me that if I'm still with him, I can't do track and they won't support me. They've also called me slut, and now they called me basically a devil worshipper. They say my boyfriend is taking me away from my parents. I'm actually very happy with him. They also say I'm living a separate life at home than I am at school. They say they want what's best for me and love me because they adopted me."," What a tough situation you must be in, feeling torn between your parents and someone who is very special to you. I would say the first thing you want to do is (if you haven't already), have a calm reciprocal conversation with your parents, telling them how you feel and letting them know what you need from them. If communication attempts are unsucessful then you will need to make a decision with how you would like to move forward. You, unfortunately, will not be able to change your parent's feelings or opinions but you can agree to disagree on certain matters by keeping them separate from the relationship you have with your parents. It always helps to try and see things from another angle. You might want to, for example, try and understand your parent's perspectives and let them know you understand that they are upset. Validating other's feelings can be very helpful with communicating effectively. Are you living with your parents and do they support you? If so, are you willing to give that up should you decide to not follow their rules? Know that there is nothing wrong with being happy with someone or loving somebody so deeply. Your feelings and actions certainly do not make you brainwashed or a devil worshipper. Not everyone will always approve of the choices we make and sometimes we need to be okay with that. Best of luck to you. " +"My partner and I have had an amazing relationship and connection for over two years. We're very committed to each other and are planning a very long life together. However, he recently was very open and honest that he isn't interested in having intercourse with me anymore. He says this has happened in every past relationships and has ended it as a result. He knows it's because it's the ""same person"" feeling, but how can he get over this?"," I wonder how long ""anymore"" will be for your boyfriend. Since you both are planning a long life together, instead of his custom of ending relationships when he feels bored with the intercourse, he will be facing the situation of being in a relationship and not having intercourse with his partner to whom he is committed. What are your own views on the meaning of intercourse in a relationship? Knowing this will help you be better able to collaborate with your boyfriend on finding ways of balancing what you each would like. " +"Something happened this summer that I cannot forgive myself for. When I think about what happened, I feel ashamed and guilty even though my loved ones forgave me."," Hi Ohio, I totally get how it can be more difficult to forgive ourselves than to forgive others. My guess is that you tend to come down too hard on yourself a lot. That's a huge barrier to happiness that you can work to reduce. I'll get you started. You feel shame in a debilitating way that is probably way out of proportion to the incident. Is it triggering some old shame? Unfortunately, a lot of adults use shame as a motivator for kids. It doesn't work. When was the first time you remember feeling a lot of shame, as in ""I'm bad"", or ""I'm worthless""? Is there a younger version of you who is still feeling shame over something that wasn't your fault? Sometimes shame shadows are connected to an absent or hurtful parent, intercourseual abuse or some family loss or trauma.  If so, picture yourself at that age. Can you tell your child self that whatever horrible thing happened to them isn't their fault? Can you have compassion for that child who first felt shame or had shame heaped on them? That's your first goal...to go to the source of the shame and heal that child's wound with compassion. What happens to children is never their fault (and fault is a pretty useless concept anyway). Once you take the layers of old ""I'm bad"" shame off, the load is lighter and you can use self talk to further reduce the shame. Here are some things you can say to yourself...every day... Shame tries to convince you that you need to carry ""it"" around in order to prevent further mistakes. Poppycock.  You've learned your lesson, now you can move forward to other mistakes. Sorry...but you're human and you'll keeping making... hopefully different, glorious mistakes. Embrace the learning. Lean into the experiences of life. It's all juicy stuff, and you're in good company; we're all in the same position of being mortal. " +How can I know if I'm just being paranoid?," Hi Texas, Oh, that's a powerful idea, isn't it? It burrows into your head. Let's figure this out. First, has your partner given you any concrete reason not to trust them? Have they cheated before? If not, then they deserve the benefit of the doubt until there is evidence. If it's a ""yes"", then it's natural that these fears would be triggered and you can simply let your partner know what triggers the fear and what you need. ""When you refuse to let me see your phone I worry that you're hiding something. I need openness"". If they haven't cheated on you in the past, there are three possible scenarios here. I invite you to take a moment and write down what the evidence is that cheating is going on. What is the specific thing that's triggering your fears? When you have your data recorded, read on... The first scenario is that you have been personally hurt in the past by someone else and you've developed fears that you will be hurt again or that you're not enough to keep someone interested (this is just fear...people cheat for their own reasons, not because we're not interesting). This may be true if what you wrote down is ""They didn't really do anything wrong...there is no evidence. I'm just scared and suspicious"". That's a cue to do some self reflection and calm yourself with thoughts like ""nothing has really happened. I can trust."" If what you wrote down was vague evidence, like for example your partner has been distant or irritable, or you're having less intercourse than usual, you can try to approach the situation without making assumptions. Trust your gut, but your gut isn't seeing evidence of cheating...it's evidence of ""something"". Ask your partner what's up with accusations or assumptions. The third possibility is that there is some clear evidence that they are cheating. Maybe there are texts on a phone, or someone has told you something they saw. I'd say when there is some evidence, it's okay to present this to your partner and ask what's going on. If this happens repeatedly, and your gut is screaming and there are only excuses or explanations that don't make sense, then it's okay to do a bit of ""research"" and be extra aware of what's going on around you.  I hope that helps.  " +"I am divorced and happily remarried. Our blended family of children are in their 20s. My youngest, age 20, continues to call me crazy and favors her dad. He was abusive to me, and I left with injuries. He never wanted kids, and I did. He paid child support only through forced wage earners. Now my daughters favor him after all the sacrifices I made for them the past 15 years as a single mom. I don't deny them a relationship with their dad, but to be called crazy and then watch them hang out with him hurts me to the very core. I'm not sure how to handle this."," It sounds really difficult to know that your daughter may be ""choosing"" her dad over you, perhaps I can help by saying her intense emotional reactions towards you actually acknowledge how much safer and connected she feels towards you. We tend to have big emotions around those we care for most. I would suggest to let her know how hard it is to hear that, and sad it make you feel at times, and that this is hard for everyone. Expressing your feelings to here, will allow her to express hers too.  " +"I have bipolar II disorder, I'm addicted to alcohol and weed, and I'm hopeless. I keep drinking even though it's harming myself and others."," This relationship with your step dad sounds very challenging. It is hard to to be told over and over again how not good enough we are. Let me offer you this, frequently when we say harsh, mean, nasty things to others, we are simply projecting our own thoughts about ourself. I am not advocating that this is ok, it seems like your stepdad could also use some support. You get to make your own empowered choice around this, this is your life and if you find yourself in a situation that does not suit you make a change.  " +I've been struggling with it for a test and I'm starting to believe it's something mental. What could it be?," Hello in Jacksonville,  It sounds like you are struggling with motivation to either take or study for a test.  There could be several different causes.  If you were being seen at my practice, I would ask you to describe your self-talk when engaging in these activities, during the different phases ie. in beginning, after a few days, and after few weeks.  Negative self-talk leads to increased disinterest and eventually tasks not being completed.  It is great that you recognize that you have the tendency to not complete tasks that you start.  Some questions that would be great to explore with a therapist are: A licensed counselor in Jacksonville will be able to asses you and rule out or diagnose self-sabotaging, depression, anxiety or other possible contributing factors.   Remember to continue to provide yourself daily motivation and encouragement towards your goals. " +"I have bipolar II disorder, I'm addicted to alcohol and weed, and I'm hopeless. I keep drinking even though it's harming myself and others."," Anyone who wants to change their life path, eventually will be successful in this.   How to stop abusing alcohol involves a few steps, most of them time consuming, with slow progress and very often with tremendous emotional pain. The basic path is to figure out what motivates you to drink too much and be addicted to weed.  Almost always, addictions are rooted in the person having suffered feeling deeply ignored, humiliated, shamed, invisible, nothing very pleasant, since a very young age, usually starting around 18 months. Most often addicts are sensitive people who have been emotionally overburdened by the grownups in their family. With no outlet for emotional expression or nurturing, the frustration goes inward until the emotional pain feels very big and without an outlet. So, people mask and numb by substances, whether this is food, chocolate, work, alcohol, weed. Therapy that is humanistic based, is a better fit than one which is drug oriented and diagnosis oriented. If you'd like getting serious about knowing who you are, including any unfair treatment of you during your growing up years, you can do this. Once you have a stronger self-respect and awareness, you would naturally avoid substances because they harm people.  Harming oneself is the opposite of self-respect. Also, about your diagnosis, it may not be true at all.  the US healthcare system loves selling drugs to people and clinicians in agencies and clinics are encouraged to find something wrong with people in order to find a new customer who will take drugs. See if you can find a therapist who is independent minded, and therefore free to interact therapeutically with you as a human being, not as a potential customer if they are able to label you as having something ""wrong"". This simply continues the long line of being shamed by others that created the addiction problem in the first place. Good luck! " +My boyfriend is seeking therapy. He is in his 40s and has some childhood issues. He has kids from his previous ex-wife and is unable to see them.," Probably the more important questions to answer concern how much confidence you have in you and your boyfriend becoming parents, how you each feel about the influence of his being banned from seeing his current children, and be clear about the circumstances that led up to the decision of him not being permitted to see his kids. Don't allow some random professional to pronounce your boyfriend as cured.  A relatively qualified therapist would never make this call. Psychological and emotional tensions emerge from our relationships within families.  You and your boyfriend are in a position to set a strong foundation for having children, assuming each of you wants children. Childhood issues, your boyfriend's, anyone's, are more likely to go away when new patterns of interacting emerge. If the two of you are engaged in setting a secure relationship as future parents, the disappointments and hurt from the very early years, will be replaced by better ways of interacting. " +I have severe anxiety and have tried everything. Everything makes it worst.The only thing that helps is my emotional support animal.," Sorry to read of your suffering. Is it actually permitted that people are able to take support animals to school? I see your point of the animal helping you.  I just also see the point that some people have allergies to animal hair or dander, or may feel distracted by an animal in the classroom. You may end up feeling worse, if when you bring your support animal to school, that it disturbs people or interferes with the routines of the class. For your anxiety, I suggest some loving kindness toward yourself.  Be patient with yourself and that you have anxiety.  If you're able to accept that some situations create great discomfort for you, maybe you'll tolerate these difficult situation. Embrace your anxiety as part of you, basically, rather than trying to banish it, which because it actually is part of you, is impossible to achieve. In a way, I'm suggesting you become your own ""support animal"".  Love yourself, be kind to yourself, and see if you feel a little less stressed in school. " +"My husband has had issues with alcohol addiction in the past (he'd never admit to this). A while back (3 years ago), I asked him to stop drinking so much, and he agreed. I caught him one night drinking behind my back. I confronted him and he lied, but I told him I knew he was lying because I counted the beers in the fridge and four of them were missing. He admitted and apologized and promised he wouldn't do it again. Lately, my husband has been drinking on and off, but I noticed it was every single night. I didn't like this. For our New Year's resolution, we decided we were going to limit our alcohol consumption. He was on board—no more drinking every night. +The other night, I counted the beers in the fridge just to see if some were missing. It took a couple of days, but tonight, I discovered a few were missing along with a shot of vodka. He was passed out on the couch when I decided to wake him up and confront him (poor timing, but I couldn't wait). I asked him if he'd come to bed with me (when he drinks, he snores and I cannot sleep—it's a dead giveaway he's been drinking). He slurred a bit and said no. I asked if he had been drinking, but he snapped and said no. I went into our room to sleep, leaving him on the couch. +I'm not sure if I'm overreacting or not. I just feel like I'm so honest with him about everything, and I expect the same honesty. He is a good husband in every other regard."," Hi Los Angeles, So your husband is giving you mixed messages. He says he's willing to cut back on the drinking, but he drinks and hides it. His behaviour is passive aggressive and immature, which puts you into this position of having to act like a disapproving parent. It sounds more like you're talking about an out-of-control teenager than your partner.  Your husband's lying is sending a message. ""I get to make my own decisions and you can't stop me"" might be it. Underneath that, maybe it's ""I want to stop but I'm ashamed that I can't and I don't want you to see my failures"". Ultimately, as an adult, he gets to decide what he puts in his mouth and if you try to manage that by monitoring how many beers he has, you are pretty certain to get some fallout... pushback...backlash...   How does his drinking affect you? That's where your voice has power, rather than in counting his beers or setting him up to lie (when he's passed out, asking if he's been drinking seems confusing). You've mentioned snoring, which I guess is a legitimate complaint. If he's passing out, that's a legitimate complaint. When he drinks does he drive, act aggressively, or 'check out of' the relationship (avoid you)? All of these things are legitimate concerns, and I'd stick to talking about those rather than counting beers. My guess is he has few other ways to cope with stress, so he checks out with alcohol, and it also helps him avoid your relationship. But the problem is it makes it worse; the more he avoids you, then more you chase him with your questions. There's a conversation that would be helpful here.  It sounds like ""I've tried to support you in your drinking less, and it's not working. What are your goals for alcohol and how can I support you in that more effectively?"" I'd like to see you in a place where you're not micromanaging his drinking, but focusing on the things that affect you. What concrete supportive methods can you use with his agreement? Can we get the alcohol out of the house? Is he willing to seek treatment?  Lay your expectations out really clearly. ""I won't count your beers, but I can't tolerate lying"". You have to decide what's more important; is it really the number of beers, or is it something else. What do you need to happen in order to want to remain in the marriage? What does he need? Does he let you know what isn't okay with him? He might have trouble saying these things.  The drinking is only a part of the complex dynamic in your marriage. A qualified therapist can assist in pulling this apart, understanding it, and changing the way you relate to each other.  " +"I am divorced and happily remarried. Our blended family of children are in their 20s. My youngest, age 20, continues to call me crazy and favors her dad. He was abusive to me, and I left with injuries. He never wanted kids, and I did. He paid child support only through forced wage earners. Now my daughters favor him after all the sacrifices I made for them the past 15 years as a single mom. I don't deny them a relationship with their dad, but to be called crazy and then watch them hang out with him hurts me to the very core. I'm not sure how to handle this."," Hi Arkansas,  Your situation sounds like a case of parental alienation. Your ex-partner unfortunately has the power to say things to your children that poison their relationship with you. It's a form of woman abuse and child abuse. He's likely doing this to hurt you and have power over you, and he's not considering how it's affecting the kids. I've seen this happen in many families; parents who once had a strong loving relationship with their children suddenly feel abandoned in favor of the other parent. In some cases, children actually stop having contact with one parent, who is left bewildered and powerless. It's your ex's job to support your relationship with your kids, not try to destroy it.  While you can't change his behaviours, and I think you know that, there are things you can do for yourself and your kids.  For your children, you can refuse to enter into the war he's setting up. He's trying to provoke you into acting ""crazy"", but you don't have to fall for this. If you run around screaming ""he's lying!"", it only makes you look more 'crazy'. Try to stay calm, and don't put their dad down to them, no matter how tempting it is. One day, they may be ready to hear the truth of your relationship with their father, but wait until they ask. Trust that they have their own experience of their dad, and trust that he doesn't have the power to destroy their love for you. Children, in the long term, lose respect for parents who denigrate the other parent. They see who their dad is already, I'd bet, but they don't know how to cope with that. If he's the only one fighting a war, you're helping them feel less trapped in a parental conflict. Don't engage on his level.  Don't blame your children completely. Although I have to say that for them to call you names like crazy is not acceptable and you don't need to tolerate that disrespect, try to deal with this behaviour without bringing their dad into it. They are acting out their father's agenda, likely because they instinctively see his weakness. Children often support the weaker parent, rather than abandon them. You get the worst because they trust your love. But you can still have boundaries. Letting them abuse you isn't the answer, but have compassion for their position. This picture isn't their fault, but as adults, they can be held accountable for their choices. Reassure yourself that you are the mom you know you are. You don't need them to gush all over you in order to know that you made sacrifices. Hold onto the likelihood that some day, they will come back and be grateful. It may take a while, you can't rush it, but they will see you for who you are. Your power is in giving them a consistently calm, generous, connected, supportive mom who refuses to play games or be walked on.  I'd recommend trying to connect with other parents who experience this phenomenon, or a therapist who can reinforce these goals and help keep you grounded. Good luck! " +"I'm in my late 20s, and I've never had a boyfriend or even been on a date. I have no friends. I hate Facebook because everyone else has kids and a great husband and great paying jobs. I work in retail, and I can't find a job. I have an Associate degree. No one is not giving me a chance, and I'm getting upset and frustrated. I feel worthless and feel like everyone hates me. I feel like a failure, and I still live with my Dad. It's very embarrassing!"," In case knowing this helps you, there are many more people in similar circumstance as you than you may realize. Similar to you, they are not on FB for the reasons you list.  Plus, no one wants to go on FB and tell the world they don't have a fantastic life.  Everyone on FB is happy, even when they're miserable they're happy telling everyone about it. First, yes it is painful to see all around you what appears as joyful living.  Please keep in mind that the life you imagine these people have, is not necessarily the true life they are having.  I've been a therapist for a long time and have seen repeatedly how people who are married with kids by age 30, start having problems by their mid-thirties. Second, respect your unique identity.  For whatever reason, you have more sensitivity, possibly more depth, more complex standards and expectations, of yourself and others. As hard as it may sound or actually be, take time to hear your intuition and what it tells you, you need for your own growth and development. Feeling embarrassed can also be turned into a positive.  Consider it as motivation for the long term to develop new ways of reaching your goals. I hope this helps! " +"I've been having this ongoing problem for most of my life now. I am a young adult, and right now, driving and even being a passenger gives me terrible panic attacks and anxiety. I can't ride in the backseat or the front seat with the safety belt on. I have to lean the seat back a bit because the pressure on my back terrifies me. I miss so many opportunities to go places with friends and family because of my fears of having a panic attack. My family offers little to no support. They think it's fake or ""all in my head."" It makes me feel guilty and at times depressed to the point where I'd rather never wake up anymore. I am not self-harming, I just feel meaningless. This constant fear has taken over my thoughts and my life. I was such a happy person. I want my life back. I want to travel with my friends and family again, but I don't know how. I've almost given up hope on getting better and just accepting the fact that I'll live with this anxiety forever."," Not having support from your family for such a significant problem, is a problem itself. How about your friends, are any of them nurturing or treat you kindly when you bring up that you've got this problem? Are any of your friends willing to accommodate the fact that right now you've got panic attacks from driving and being a passenger? Maybe being and feeling accepted while you're in this current phase of your life, would help diminish the panic attacks. If no support is coming to you, then a next step would be to evaluate the relationships in your life and to develop standards and expectations of others, especially that they are considerate of your great need at this time. Its possible you are bearing the emotional burden of a lot more people in your life than yourself. If no one wants to show they care about this situation, then release yourself from trying to please and satisfy everyone's wish that you be better, while they ignore your need for their support. Be realistic in what you're able to give back to people who want to be blind to your emotional need. Thinking this way will at first raise your anxiety level from fear of losing everyone.  Eventually, you'll stabilize within yourself and know that all you're asking for is some support for having a tough time.  Hopefully, the others will be more responsive to you. If they don't you still know that you're being reasonable for what you'd like. " +"My husband has had issues with alcohol addiction in the past (he'd never admit to this). A while back (3 years ago), I asked him to stop drinking so much, and he agreed. I caught him one night drinking behind my back. I confronted him and he lied, but I told him I knew he was lying because I counted the beers in the fridge and four of them were missing. He admitted and apologized and promised he wouldn't do it again. Lately, my husband has been drinking on and off, but I noticed it was every single night. I didn't like this. For our New Year's resolution, we decided we were going to limit our alcohol consumption. He was on board—no more drinking every night. +The other night, I counted the beers in the fridge just to see if some were missing. It took a couple of days, but tonight, I discovered a few were missing along with a shot of vodka. He was passed out on the couch when I decided to wake him up and confront him (poor timing, but I couldn't wait). I asked him if he'd come to bed with me (when he drinks, he snores and I cannot sleep—it's a dead giveaway he's been drinking). He slurred a bit and said no. I asked if he had been drinking, but he snapped and said no. I went into our room to sleep, leaving him on the couch. +I'm not sure if I'm overreacting or not. I just feel like I'm so honest with him about everything, and I expect the same honesty. He is a good husband in every other regard."," As exasperated as you feel, and as obvious it is to you that your husband cares more about drinking than being honest with you, changing this is up to him. Does he care that you're upset with him for drinking more than he can handle? Does he care about you more than drinking? Living with an alcoholic, which is how his behavior sounds, is lonely and frustrating. Concentrate on what you like about him as he is now with his drinking. Your happiness matters.  His ignoring of what you're talking about, doesn't mean your requests are unreasonable. Be prepared to learn to live with and accept how he behaves, or not. Avoid the expectation that you can convince him to change. People change only when they realize their life can improve by changing.  He doesn't sound like this, at least now. " +"My suppose-to-be father told me to go find my real dad. We haven't been getting along since I was a teenager. If I said one thing that he thought was wrong, I always got degraded. He never said “I love you.” He never gave us hugs. He's always called me horrible names. I feel he's an evil man with no feelings."," Hi Louisiana, You got it right...he's ""supposed to be"" your father. It's tough enough being adopted (unless I'm reading it wrong, I think you're adopted); what you don't need is to be verbally abused by someone who's supposed to love and protect you. I don't know how old you are (past teen years though), or where your mom is, but I bet there are other people in your life who treat you differently. It's your right to spend your time with the people who love you properly. That's a really important part of learning how to be happy...carefully choosing who's going to be in your life. It's tricky to put emotional distance between you and your supposed-to-be father, but it's possible...physical distance (avoid him if you don't trust you'll be treated with respect), and emotional distance (feeling less connected to and affected by his relationship disability). I think you're already doing that part because you don't blame yourself for his words, which is wonderful. I don't know if he's evil (although I believe evil exists), but he may be incapable of loving properly, or lacking empathy, as you suggest.  A good therapist can support you in these goals. I wish you the best in your growth as an independent adult. :) " +"I keep being mean to my best friend, and I don't know why all the time. I did come to maybe some kind of conclusion that it is because my mother is mean to me all the time. Could that be a cause?"," Hi Morristown, There's a saying that goes ""hurt people hurt people"". It's possible that your aggression towards your friends is connected to your mother's behaviours. When we are treated poorly, especially as children, it affects how we ourselves, others, and the world. It's also powerful modelling of aggressive behaviour.  The good news is that you have this lovely awareness and I think a desire to learn about yourself and grow in your ability to be respectful to people you care about. I recommend you consider sitting down with a therapist and exploring these ideas and moving forward on that path you seem to want to be on. Good luck! " +"I've got so much anger. I don't know how to control myself. My girlfriend screams at me all the time, and sometime I don't know how to deal with life. I'm very depressed and angry. I feel lost."," Hi Campbell River,  You say you have anger but you don't mention how it shows. Or maybe it doesn't. Are you aggressive with your girlfriend? Since you mention depression, I wonder if you're bottling it all up somewhere instead of letting it show at all. If this is the case, I admire your ability to not lash out at someone who's hurting you. However, if they are totally  unexpressed, anger turn inward and shift into depression. When she yells at you, what do you do? Is this the moment that you feel the most angry? I wouldn't be surprised; anger is a normal response to someone yelling at you.  Something about anger...it's often there to cover up our more vulnerable emotions. Under the anger I wonder if you feel worthless, powerless, scared, unloved. Part of the trick to reducing anger is identifying those other emotions and expressing them. You say you don't know how to deal with life, and I think maybe you mean you don't know how to deal with emotions. Lots of people don't! This is confusing for most of us. What am I feeling? Why is it so strong? I'm afraid to express it for fear of hurting someone (or falling apart, or feeling alone...). How do I know what to express and what to be quiet about?  These are all great questions to ask yourself, and a qualified therapist can help you sort it all out and support you in your growth. I wish you well! " +I've been getting told lately by my partner that it's embarrassing that I'm so antisocial around his family and friends. I believe it's because I'm not as social as him.," Hi Buffalo, I think you're right; your partner's reactions are about him. I have to say it's a cruel thing to say to someone you love...that you're ""embarrassed by them"". The subtext says ""You're not good enough"", and I love that you can reject that false message. You don't have to be different for anyone. If he can't accept you for who you are, what is he doing with you? Your social habits (unless they are extreme...like you refuse to go anywhere) aren't a reflection on him; it's just you being you. Also, and I'm sure you've found this...the more he judges you, the more difficult it is for you to be the confident, outgoing person he wants you to be...so his method of trying to change you doesn't even work! I think that's the crux...he's trying to change you. What does that make you want to do?  " +"I met a guy a while ago, and I can't stop thinking about him. I feel like I love him, but I don't think I know him. What if he is not who I think he is? I cry sometimes thinking someone is going to be with him or that he has a girlfriend. I don't know, am I too obsessive? Every time we talk though, it's like magic. He makes me feel amazing, but what if I'm mistaken?"," Keller, it sounds like you're living this relationship in your mind, instead of in the real world. You can get answers to your questions by talking to him...getting to know him will answer all the curiosities you have. You're asking the questions in your head instead of being in the friendship.  So what is it that gets in the way of actually asking the questions and getting to know him? Fear of rejection? Fear of something else? If you have fear that keeps you from having fulfilling friendships, I recommend a therapist to help you work through that. I wish you well. :) " +"A girl and I were madly in love. We dated for over a year and were even talking about marriage and future plans together. She moved away for school, and we attempted a long distance relationship. We eventually broke up. It's been a year now, and I still haven't lost my feelings for her. I still love her the same way I did. I've suffered from depression ever since the breakup and have been unable to connect with anyone else. It's damaging me and my life."," Hi Boise, I'm sorry that you've lost this love. The fact that you were planning marriage and a future tells me that you meant something very special to each other at that time. It's different now...you're not together anymore, but you can't accept this, right? Good for you for identifying that this situation is damaging your life. You've been grieving for longer than you were together. Oh, but really you've not been grieving...you're stuck still loving her instead of moving forward. Unrequited love is a recipe for eternal heartache. Let's look at some possible blocks to moving forward. It could be that there's something unfinished for you. Maybe you felt hurt and you didn't have the chance to say so, or you felt you hurt her and you didn't have the chance to make it right. Maybe there's a burning question you need to ask or something else you need to say. Maybe you want to tell her you've never stopped loving her, and see if she feels the same way. If this is the case, you have two choices, right? You can reach out and say what you need to say, or you can stop ruminating on that question and let it go. If you reach out, there's no guarantee it will go well or that she'll even respond. Maybe write her a letter and don't send it (or send it...it might be worth the risk). Use the next paragraph to help you decide.  Do you know how she feels? How did it end? Did she end it? Was it ended just because of the distance, or are there more differences between you that didn't work? Sometimes people are so in love that they can't clearly see that the other person isn't in love with them anymore. Use the information you have about what she wants for her life...can you honour what she says she needs? If she's asked for distance, you would do well to honour that. A key to moving forward: look at your thoughts and where they're getting stuck. Write it down. What bad thing can happen if you let it go? Or ""If I move forward, that will mean...""  Keep going...what would be the worst part of that?  This kind of exploring can help you identify your stuck place. It is possible that you've turned this ending into some kind of negative meaning about you or your future. As in ""If this person doesn't love me, then I'm unlovable"", or ""No one will ever love me as much as she did"". So your need to cling to her in your heart is your way of rejecting that negative message about yourself or the future. Can you find another way to reject that message? Try saying these things to yourself: These are the kinds of things a therapist would explore with you. I wish you well! " +I would like to be able to have more positive relationships in the present.," Hi Chapel Hill,  I like your goal; research is telling us more and more that one of the most important keys to happiness is having healthy relationships. If we feel successful in that area, it can give us the confidence and hope to tackle anything life throws at us. There are personal barriers we all have to having healthy relationships; it's our ""stuff"", our ""baggage"" (not a steam trunk, right...you have a cute little Gucci bag!).  You hint that people may have hurt you in the past. Maybe fear says ""stay away...hold onto resentment or you will be hurt again!"". Resentment, or simply focusing on the past is certainly a barrier to improving any relationship. Learning to forgive ourselves and others is so important. And remember...forgiveness isn't about saying something was okay; it only means ""It happened, I can't change that, and I don't want to carry it (anger, hurt, resentment) around anymore, so I let it go.""  Or...sometimes fear tells us that people won't accept us; this keeps us isolated for sure! But really, all fear wants is power over us. Fear is a trickster! It tells us that if we let go of the past, we will be rejected or hurt. It says ""I'm trying to protect you!"", but what it REALLY wants is to paralyze and isolate us all so it can feel powerful. Once you pull the sheeps clothing off of fear, you can see that it doesn't help you at all! Once you see where your personal barriers are, and you start to refute those thoughts in your mind, you can begin to build new ideas about yourself and other people that are based on compassion instead of fear...  I wish you the best on your journey! " +"My fiancé and I have almost the best relationship every girl wants, but lately it's changed. I get less attention and little to no intercourse. He works a lot and goes to the gym a lot (he's a football player for an indoor league), but he has no time for me. We live two hours from family, and when I leave home to see family, he'll text me saying ""whatever"" and ""leave me alone."" But when we're together, everything is okay. No fighting or anything. I love this man, but I just don't know what to do anymore."," Hi Rockford, While no relationship is ""perfect"", and it's natural for the passionate beginnings of a relationship to lessen with time, because we have established the trust and love needed as a foundation and we don't have to smother each other with attention anymore, your situation sounds like something different.  ""He has no time for me""... yet you don't fight. Hmmm...Is it that you don't fight because you don't bring up what's bothering you? Are you avoiding conflict? Many people do. What do you fear would happen if you let him know how you feel about his recent pulling away? As an engaged couple, now is a really good time to see what happens when you bring a concern to your fiance. Better to find out now what happens when you rock the boat by being real. Or maybe you have spoken to him about it. If so, what happens? Does he listen and help you understand him better? Or does he avoid and reassure you...or maybe dismiss you? This is really important data to gather about how your fiance handles conflict and how you work together.  He says ""leave me alone"". That's a pretty bold statement about what he wants. He doesn't seem to have the same idea that you do about what marriage is, and how close you want to be. Plus, I have to say, those words sound more like what a closed-off fourteen year old would say to a parent than a loving fiance to his bride to be!  Giving him the benefit of the doubt, it could be that your fiance is scared about getting married and this is a temporary reaction that will change. But if this is true, he needs to tell you that so you can understand.  So, I suggest that the fact that when you're together you're ""okay"" is perhaps not the best barometer for how you're doing as a couple. Listen to your gut. I encourage you to be really open with your fiance about what your feelings and fears are. This may get rockier before it gets better, but until you face what's not working, you won't know who you truly are as a couple.   When you're engaged, it's a really cool time to see a therapist too...to get some conflict resolution skills down before you're a married couple.  " +"They don't go away, and I feel like I'm going crazy. Does that ever stop? Can it be a symptom of medication?"," This can certainly be a side effect of some medications. If the voices are so powerful that you can not sleep or they are constantly present, you shouldn't wait any time, but go and see your doctor straight away. " +I would like to be able to have more positive relationships in the present.," Remember, the past no longer exists and the future is just an illusion as we don't know what will happen tomorrow, so take the present as your guide. That is all we can do, so keep saying this to yourself and try to help someone each day.  The happiness is helping others to feel a bit better. " +"I'm in love with my friend who is also a girl. I fell in love with her in a few months. That was my first love. We used to talk for the whole day and night over the phone and on Facebook. I thought she had the same feelings for me, but I was wrong. I always wanted to touch her warmly and stay with her all my life. But all my dreams get broken apart after she got into a relationship with a guy. I've tried to be in relationship with guys, but I can't be in love with them."," It all depends how old you are and what a particular situation is.  You may be feeling very close to this friend and mistake that feeling for intercourseual feeling, or the feelings may be real. This is something you will find out for yourself, however, it definitely doesn't mean that you are a lesbian just because you have those feelings for this particular person. Time will tell, but if you need to discuss this, you could see your school councelor (if you are at school/university) or find a LGBT group with meetings and discuss this with them. I hope this is helpful. " +"They don't go away, and I feel like I'm going crazy. Does that ever stop? Can it be a symptom of medication?"," Since you realize that hearing voices in your head is not usual for you, then definitely there is a problematic situation happening within your awareness of who you are. if you recently started taking a new drug or increased dosage of one you already were taking, and the voices started shortly after, then yes, it is possible medication created your problem. Start by telling whoever gave you the presecription, about the problem you're having. ""Crazy"" has some flexibility as to whether someone is this way or not. Certainly a very positive sign that you're not crazy, is that you're self-aware of a problem within yourself. And, you're responsible toward yourself and making effort to address this problem. Crazy people usually don't do responsible behaviors.  " +"I need answers to my anger, possessiveness, and urges. +I am angry all the time. I push people away so much that I actually blow up on people now because they ask me how my day is or was. I have a possessiveness to someone who is not even mine. I have these urges to hurt someone really bad. I want to see them beg for me to stop hurting. I want to hear their agonizing pained-filled voices. What is wrong with me?"," What result are you hoping to get from the behaviors you describe? Maybe start by comparing the results you see yourself receiving from your current interactions, with how you would wish to feel from relating to others. Since you ask, ""what is wrong with me?"", there is a disconnect between what you are doing and what you'd like in return. This is true even with imagining doing harm to others. What are you really trying to accomplish for yourself by hurting others? Besides the unethicalness and criminality of this and legal consequences of arrest for such behaviors, what gain which is not evil, do you expect from overpowering and imagining you control another human being? " +I would like to be able to have more positive relationships in the present.," Would you describe yourself as sensitive to your surroundings and emotions? If yes, this may explain why letting go of past problems, is itself a problem. The dynamic of living one day at a time and letting go of past problems, is more imaginary and wishful than real. It is a popular notion of TV, FB, and media. Doing the letting go, has nothing to do with what is actually possible to do. Problems are not ""let go"", they are resolved somehow. Living one day at a time isn't possible for anyone who has consciousness.  No one can really disconnect from reality every day on which they wake up. Instead of trying to do the impossible which is promoted online and in media, allow yourself time to recognize what went into creating a problem in your life, in the first place.   Understanding problems leads to peacefulness and resolution.  Then you will have more freedom to make new relationships. Also, be patient with this process and yourself. If you have deep attachment to painful situations in your life, then possibly now is your time for understanding what went wrong. This is a process which cannot be rushed if it is to be done well. If it is done thoroughly, then you very naturally will bring new relationships into your life. And life will no longer feel so painful that you can only manage ""one day at a time"" without hurting.  You won't need to forget what happened yesterday.  " +"My fiancé and I have almost the best relationship every girl wants, but lately it's changed. I get less attention and little to no intercourse. He works a lot and goes to the gym a lot (he's a football player for an indoor league), but he has no time for me. We live two hours from family, and when I leave home to see family, he'll text me saying ""whatever"" and ""leave me alone."" But when we're together, everything is okay. No fighting or anything. I love this man, but I just don't know what to do anymore."," Your situation sounds a little painful. Have you brought up any of these topics for discussion with your fiancé? Now is a good time for finding out if and how your future husband is interested and addresses the way you are feeling. Until the two of you open up what bothers you, all you or anyone who talks to you about the situation, can do is take guesses as to what is driving your finance's behaviors. Also, in the moment of when your fiancé texts you words you find surprising or startling, you can tell him this.   Maybe by being clear and truthful about how what he writes affects you, then next time he will change what he tells you. And if he doesn't, then you know that you explained yourself, he had this information about you and that , he isn't that willing to consider what you told him.  Really, the best first step is to open up all the topics you wrote about here, with him.  This way you'll give each of you to discuss how to care about one another in a meaningful way. " +"My husband and I are in a terrible place. Part of me wants to fix it, but then I'm caught up with not knowing how and not being able to communicate my feelings to him because he always feels I'm blaming him. Sometimes I am because the feelings of distrust are so strong. I feel they must be coming from something he's doing, but sometimes I know I'm being irrational. Still, that doesn't stop the anxiety. The other half of the time, I just want to walk away, but I feel like that will only be a temporary fix."," You may be pressuring yourself to be the one person who fixes the relationship.   This is impossible because the relationship belongs to both of you. Has he told you whether he feels about himself that how he interacts with you, is contributing to problems in the couple? Is he willing to understand what you're asking of him, without shutting down with whatever he is feeling when he feels blamed? Your feelings of distrust are the natural outcome of not being properly heard and understood.  He's not willing to listen to you, so of course you're frustrated and this frustration comes out in all sorts of uneasy feelings. Willingness to hear each other in a non-defensive way, sometimes requires a couples therapist's assistance. Ask your husband if he's willing to understand, not judge you.  Be willing yourself to do the same. If after trying and getting nowhere, you'll know when to stop trying on your own as a couple and to find a specifically trained couples therapists. Warning, not all therapists are trained to do couples therapy.  Ask the therapist if they've had specialized training in couples therapy. Otherwise, having a referee type therapy session of, ""what do you think"", ""what do you think?"", isn't going to do anything except frustrate both of you further. Good luck! " +"My boyfriend of five years told me he cheated on me during our relationship after we broke up. We've since gotten back together and are trying to make it work. I don't know how to trust him now, but I really want to make it work, and it seems like he does too. But my trust issues are getting in the way and causing problems."," Hi Michigan, This is a common issue. How do you trust after you know someone is capable of hurting you? I totally get that it's hard, and I believe it's worth it if you truly love and want to be with someone. You can be stronger in the scarred places.  I would suggest that you each have a separate job to do to rebuild this trust. It is definitely possible to rebuild it, because anything is possible if both people want it enough. Your boyfriend came clean to you...this is pretty crucial. He chose to honour your needs rather than keep the secret. You can use that as evidence in your ""proof that he loves me"" file. Work on that file...thicken it up. Having a thick ""he does care about me and wouldn't hurt me again"" file will help you.  Other things that he can do to help you thicken that file (because after all, his behaviours caused this problem): answer all your questions, don't brush you off if you're feeling insecure, treat you as though you're a priority, avoid questionable contact with other women, have open communication, give you passwords to devices so there is transparency. He can help you to understand where those behaviours came from...why he cheated in the first places (although people aren't always good with those 'why' questions!) You can focus on telling yourself that people change, that he deserves a chance to show you he can be loyal (or at least you've decided to give him that chance), and that you want to be a trusting person. If you act like a trusting person, you will likely feel more like one. Don't go snooping, don't interrogate him. It's normal you might feel scared and try to tell him that when you do. Let him know what happens that leads to you feeling scared. This is a start for you. A good therapist can be helpful too! " +"I have been married for ten years. My husband is 29 years my senior. We have a young daughter. Ever since she was born, my husband has ""shut down."" We have no intimacy; he doesn't even kiss me. I've told him how I feel for years, and he swears he loves me and wants to make me happy, but I still have to literally beg for intercourse and affection. My self-esteem is gone, and I feel so alone. He has stranded me. He uses his passive-aggressive ways and ignores every comment I make. He refuses to talk to me in detail."," Hi Smyrna, Your husband is avoiding dealing with this problem. I understand how lonely you must feel, not only intercourseually, but emotionally too. From what you describe, it seems that he wants to be there for you, but he clearly has barriers to engaging fully around this issue. My hunch is that he doesn't know what to do or how to talk to you. But I think he does have something to say. Your husband is 29 years older and you've been together for ten years...that puts you at around thirty perhaps and him at almost sixty? Has any wise older woman sat you down to explain that men sometimes have erectile issues or hormone-related low intercourse drive as they age? It's possible that your husband is bewildered, angry, grieving or anxious about changes in his intercourse drive or his ability to maintain an erection, and that he doesn't know how to talk to you about this. He may feel like he's letting you down, and he's scared it will get worse, so he's sticking his head in the sand. Of course, that doesn't help, does it? The worst case scenario is that you get angry or hopeless, that he senses danger or disapproval from you and pulls away even further in shame. Eventually, you stop chasing him, and you drift further apart.  It's a bit of a conundrum...how to honour both your need for connection and honesty and his need for a safe place to explore his fears and insecurities. Maybe lower your expectations for a bit? Your husband will need to believe that you are a safe place to share his fears, and you would need to hold onto the fact that he's really scared, and that he's not rejecting you...just protecting himself. I would suggest having a gentle conversation that sounds something like ""Sweetheart, we both know that something's not right here. I think you've been trying to handle this on your own or hoping it would get better, but can we agree that it's not? I need you to either talk to me about what's happening, or please go see a doctor. What I need is to see that you are doing some little step to help us. Either of those things would show me that."" In the end, you need to know that he's heard you and that he's willing to look at the issue in some way. If he does neither, then at least you know where you stand and you can decide whether to live in a intercourseless marriage.  I wonder if showing him this answer to your question might help? Just a thought.  " +"I am divorced and happily remarried. Our blended family of children are in their 20s. My youngest, age 20, continues to call me crazy and favors her dad. He was abusive to me, and I left with injuries. He never wanted kids, and I did. He paid child support only through forced wage earners. Now my daughters favor him after all the sacrifices I made for them the past 15 years as a single mom. I don't deny them a relationship with their dad, but to be called crazy and then watch them hang out with him hurts me to the very core. I'm not sure how to handle this."," Hi, I understand what you're going through. Your daughters favor him because he has done no wrong in their eyes. Im guessing they lived with you? Growing up I was the same way.. I favoured my dad, thinking he has done no wrong. He also abused my mother multiple times, and that never came to mind. kids like their other parent more mainly because they don't see them everyday, and they usually buy them everything they want, because all he does it pay child support (by force) and then spoil their kids to make them happy. You seem like a great mom, don't doubt yourself.  " +"I constantly have this urge to throw away all my stuff. It's constantly on my mind and makes me feel anxious. I don't sleep because I'm thinking about something I can get rid of. I don't know why I do it. I started years ago when I lived with my dad then I stopped when I moved in with my mom. Years later, it has started again."," Since you wrote that you noticed a change in your throwing away urge when you changed with which parent you lived, would you feel that throwing away things is connected to wanting to be done with certain areas of influence with either parent? Play in your mind with the metaphor of ""throwing away"" and whatever associations you feel toward this.  Are you feeling alarmed or freed, by throwing away things?  I'm only suggesting these, not telling you that they apply necessarily. Anxiety comes up when people feel helpless to manage a meaningful part of their lives.  So pay attention whether your stuff represents difficult scenarios or phases of your growing up years.   Possibly you are trying to rid yourself of painful feelings which were part of your early years' relationship with either parent. Basically, sounds as though you are trying to establish a clearer sense of who you are and the throwing away part is a means of discovering who you are, once all the clutter is released. " +"The sounds of eating and breathing gives me headaches—mostly mouth breathing and snoring. It makes me angry, and I want to solve it myself."," Probably good to know in what type of situations you are, in which you are hearing mouth breathing and snoring. If you're sleeping beside your partner who does these actions, would have a different response than if you overhear mouth breathing and snoring from a family member who is napping on the couch and you are walking past them on your way to take a snack in the kitchen. Basically, if the person who does these actions which bother you, start by telling them. Depending on whether they are empathetic to how distressed you are from their sounds, or not, willing to change, or not, has a good deal to do with next steps. I don't really see any step you're able to take to solve that you are sensitive to human sounds from the head. One path I don't recommend is expecting yourself to ignore the fact of being feeling bothered, or dismissing your own sensitivity someone. Your needs matter. " +"I'm a teenage girl. I don't know if I'm straight, biintercourseual, or gay. I've been straight all my life, but a sudden rush of questions have come over me, and I don't know anymore."," Hi Brentwood, While our society tends to want to put us into categories...slots...when it comes to intercourseuality, because this is nice and neat and convenient...many people find that they don't fit perfectly into one or the other. All you have to do is exactly what you're doing; be aware of yourself and allow yourself to explore these thoughts and emotions both alone and in connection with a safe partner. The people who love you will continue to love you as you sort through this. You can resist the temptation to please others by giving yourself a label. We are attracted to, and fall in love with, people...and we can't always predict what gender they might be. I love how open you are to discovering yourself. Keep on that track. :) " +"I have been dating my boyfriend for a month, and we want a baby. We don't work or drive, and we haven't talked to our parents. What should we do?"," Hi Athens, When a teenager wants to have a baby, it's usually for a specific, and not healthy, reason. Do you maybe hope that a baby will cement your relationship? It doesn't work that way. Do you yearn for a person who will love you deeply? Babies don't give to us; we give endlessly to them. I urge you to talk to someone you trust about why you want to speed up your life by being a parent before you are fully grown emotionally. A relationship that is one month old is not stable enough to support a change like this. You're only starting to get to know each other. I wish you well and hope you talk to someone.  " +"Recently, I had a close call after delivering my second child (blood clot followed by internal bleeding and several blood transfusions). It was a close call. I am currently undergoing medical treatment because of the event, and I am constantly afraid the whole ordeal will happen again. I have never really had anxiety in the past, but I find now that it consumes my every day and night. With two beautiful children to raise, I am most terrified of not being able to raise and protect them."," Hi Meriden, it's natural that after a serious scare like that you would have some anxiety and fear. This fear is helpful to some extent, because it will assist you in taking care of yourself and not taking unnecessary risks with your health. You can say ""thanks very much"" to fear for trying to protect you, and then you can take steps to reduce it. Right now, fear is working overtime and stealing your quality of life. You can work to put it into perspective. I invite you to imagine that your job is to convince fear that you don't need it screaming in your ear constantly in order to be as safe as you can be. Imagine that fear is in front of you. It's saying ""hey, you need me! If I wasn't keeping you alert, you would be very ill"". Fear doesn't trust you to take care of yourself.  What is the evidence you are caring for yourself and doing everything you can to prevent a recurrence? What is the evidence that this won't likely happen again (it was specifically connected to the stress of labour, right?). What is the evidence from your doctor that this is unlikely to recur? What is the evidence that you are healing? What is the evidence that you are very aware of the danger and will respond quickly if there is a recurrence? What is the evidence that worrying about it will hurt you, not help you? How many hours of your life do you want to hand over to fear? Fear is trying to keep you safe, but you can turn the volume down by talking to yourself about all these things. I wish you well. " +"My brother just broke up with his girlfriend. While they were dating for the past two years, her son spent the weekends with me and my mother. Now she doesn't think her son should have any interaction with us. How should we approach the situation? Is she doing the right thing for her child?"," Hi Tampa, I get that this is a loss for all of you; you have bonded with this child as a result of the significant time you have spent with him. He's a lucky boy to have had you all taking care of him. Certainly, it seems that his mother might not be making the best decision for her son; if you are willing to maintain the relationship, it would be good for him to still have that contact. In my book, the more people loving a child, the better.  But, ultimately, she has the right to make these decisions. To oppose her won't likely do any good. You can focus on grieving this relationship and supporting your brother through his loss as well.  " +"I'm a teenage girl. I don't know if I'm straight, biintercourseual, or gay. I've been straight all my life, but a sudden rush of questions have come over me, and I don't know anymore."," Being open minded about the type of intercourseual connection which feels true and real, is a solid starting point. Having questions is a very valuable way of more clearly defining your intercourseuality. Write one or two of your questions if you'd like a more specific focus to your general search about your intercourseual preference. " +She is living with her boyfriend of seven years. He is in therapy for depression and social anxiety. He hasn't worked in all this time.," Hi New York, There is no need for shame here; no one's done anything wrong! A pregnancy is a glorious gift to be celebrated.  I wonder what gets in the way of you celebrating your daughter's pregnancy? Are they excited about it? I bet they are. They've been together for seven years. Even if it caught them off guard, the best thing for them and this new baby is to celebrate the joy of this new little person and their growing family. If you are happy for them and help spread their joy, how marvelous would that be for them as a family? New York, I will be honest with you; I hope that's okay. I sense that maybe you are feeling judgemental towards them. Do you dislike or judge his struggle with mental illness? Do you see him as less than worthy because he hasn't worked? I don't know for sure, but I imagine maybe his anxiety and depression get in the way of working. Maybe he's on a social disability? Mental illness doesn't make someone less lovable or valuable as a partner. He's getting help for himself and that's wonderful.  If your daughter loves him and is happy with him... If he is her chosen man, then they absolutely need your support, not your judgement. And if they struggle as a couple, you know what...they will need it even more! Is this your first grandchild? If not, then I don't have to say this, but if it is...you are in for the most amazing adventure of your lifetime. You will fall in love so deeply with this child. S/he needs that...this baby needs your love and support. So, you say to your family... ""I have amazing news! My daughter is expecting a baby! I'm going to be a grandparent!! I can't wait"".  " +"I've been feeling worthless, unaccomplished, and so frustrated. I want to break things, hit myself, run away, kick, scream, and cry. I just want to be happy and outgoing again. I want to be able to take care of my daughter and live comfortably."," Philadelphia, there is help out there. For your daughter's sake, start somewhere. Feelings are only that; your worst fears about who you are are only based on a few moments that haven't gone well. Depression is so treatable, but you have to seek treatment from a professional. Here's a quick exercise for you to do that can show you how therapy might work... fear is telling you the worst possible story of your life, right? So... if there was an opposite story...the very best story that someone could tell about you and your life...what would that be? Who would be telling it? Someone who loves you? Someone who was around you when you were that outgoing person? Someone who's been watching your life from the start? God? Write that best story. I dare you to give it as much credibility as the worst one.  Therapy is often about helping people reject their ""worst stories"". I invite you to start exploring with a qualified therapist whatever barriers stand between you and your best life. I hope you reach out soon. :) " +"I got involved with my best friend who is married but has been very unhappy for the last five years. We both fell in love and have been together for eight months. He left the house and filed for divorce. He decided to tell her about our relationship, and she is willing to forgive and work on things. This shook him. They have two kids together. He decided to put the divorce on hold. He left town for a month to get clarity on the situation and see a therapist."," Hi Miami, I feel your sadness; you might have planned a future with your best friend. We live in a world where we are constantly exposed and connected to people who intrigue us and to whom we might feel a connection. I believe that our ability to protect our relationships from the risks involved here has not developed fast enough.  Your friend came face to face with what leaving the marriage meant...huge changes and many intense emotions. He is wise to consider his choices carefully; especially if you have children, there is good reason to work at a relationship that is less than fulfilling. Therapy can help. So you fell in love with a man who was in an unstable place. He's taking the steps to create some stability for himself and that leaves you ""on hold"", not knowing what his decision will be. I love that you seem willing to give him the space he needs to figure it all out. This decision is his.  For yourself, you can accept that being ""best friends"" with a man might not be a wise thing. Many marriages don't fair well when friendships like that exist. You flirted with danger; both of you. You fell in love but he wasn't free, really. I'm sure his love for you is real and powerful, but it's not a competition. It's one man choosing his life path. You can focus on thoughts like this: If you have told anyone about the affair, seek the support of that trusted person and know you have to grieve this in silence because it was born in silence. I wish you well, and for the record, I'm proud of the maturity you show in this situation. :) " +"I think I'm annoying and bothersome, but my girlfriend says I'm just fine. I don't think so, I think I'm stressing everyone else out"," I'm glad to hear you have friends and that your friends say they like you. Trust your own sense of who you are which tells you that something feels uneasy within yourself. Is the friend who says you're ""just fine"", very familiar with who you are? ""Friend"" is a broad category. She may not know you as fully as you know yourself. Basically, it is possible to be ""fine"" and have some inner stress. Follow your own thoughts and observations to more fully learn about yourself in ways your friend may not notice or be aware. " +I have been dating my ex-boyfriend's cousin for a few years. We have gotten pretty serious. He wants to cut it off because people are giving him a hard time that our kids will be related to my ex.," Does your boyfriend agree with the other people's opinions or is the problem that he feels that doing what they want will be an easy way to stop hearing them say what he doesn't like hearing? Talk through whether he actually believes what the others are telling him or figures that complying will make them stop bothering him. Once the two of you understand what, if any, the differences are in the opinions you each have on the double relationship status, you'll be more clear whether the differences can be aligned somehow. " +"I'm almost never happy. Half of the time, I don't feel anything. I find it easy to make myself feel nothing. I know I push people away because it's easier. I just want answers. I'm sick of feeling this way. It's ruining my relationships with people."," Maybe you have depression. The name of your condition matters much less than the descriptions you wrote of how you feel. Since you've observed how you sometimes interact with people and realize you aren't happy with the result, you've a very solid starting point for reflecting on your deeper wishes in relating to others. Start with asking reasons of yourself about the puzzling aspects of how you're engaging with others. Theorizing as to ""why"" you feel that pushing people away is ""easier"", and easier than what? Googling the keywords of how you feel, may open a starting point for ideas on knowing yourself and what you wish for. " +She is living with her boyfriend of seven years. He is in therapy for depression and social anxiety. He hasn't worked in all this time.," Congrats on your upcoming grandchild! Does your daughter want you to break news of her pregnancy, to the family? Talk with your daughter first, whether or not she would like you to tell other family members. Also, given the other facts you mention in your post, if household and financial management are areas you feel your daughter is vulnerable, then bring up these topics too. Stay open minded about your daughter having views which are different from yours. " +"When I go to school, I feel like everyone is judging me, even my friends. I get overwhelmed which these thoughts and sometimes cannot get out of what I call a deep hole of thoughts. I barely go to any of our school dances because of all of the people. Not even when I am completely alone do these thoughts go away. I still feel like people can see me and are judging me."," It sounds like a couple of things are going on here; you are noticing yourself feeling judged by the people around you and that you are avoiding social activities and in addition to this you have intrusive thoughts that you are being judged, even when alone. It sounds like these thoughts are pretty distressing and you are wondering what is happening to you. Many people who come to therapy experience intrusive and distressing thoughts of various kinds, which often influence their behavior in ways that they may not like, such as leading them to isolate. In therapy, you may be able to gain insight into the nature of your distress as well as learn ways to cope and eventually alleviate this distress so that you can have satisfaction and security in your life and relationships. " +"I love him so much, and I don't know what to do."," Hi Savannah, This is a pretty common issue; one person feels that they are doing a great job of being loving, yet their partner doesn't feel loved. There's a great book ""The Five Love Languages"" by Gary Chapman. He explains that there are five main ways to give and receive love, but we don't necessarily all speak the same ""love language"" as our partner. You might feel that by going out to work and earn money, you're being loving, but if your partner's main love language is quality time, you're not hitting that bulls eye because you're not home! The five languages are words, quality time, acts of service, gifts and touch. I recommend couples grab this book, sit down and figure out what their love languages are, and then...slowly...you start to ask for the kind of love you want, and you start to speak your partner's language a bit better. You may never be fluent, but you can get better. The most important part is to understand each other better and to know that there's nothing wrong with either of you, you're just speaking different languages. You can help your boyfriend to get really specific about how he wants to be loved. I bet he just needs you to ""speak his language"".  :) " +"He owns his own business. Sometimes, he stays out all night but doesn't tell me. We have a son together, and I get to stay home with him. He says I complain too much about what he's doing. We've been together a year and a half. I got pregnant after being together for a month. We moved in together when I had my son in July. Everything was great, and then he started the staying out. He then started not spending time with either of us. I just don't know if I'm doing something wrong. We've talked and he says this is just how he is, but he wasn't like this before."," Hi Oklahoma, Listen to him when he says this is how he is. Your boyfriend's behaviours are about him; not you. At the start of a relationship it's easy to be loving and attentive; but it takes years to really get to know someone deeply. With time, people reveal who they are. For some reason, he is giving himself permission to detach from you and your son. This could be for several reasons; he may be avoiding intimacy and connection, he may be avoiding commitment, he may fear he isn't enough, or (and there is evidence of this one) he may have misogynist attitudes about male privilege that interfere with his ability to be the kind of supportive and respectful partner that you need.  It seems that you've addressed this problem with him and told him what you need. Good for you. His response seems dismissive though, and this isn't a good sign. Any problem can be worked through if you have two people who care about, respect and listen to each other. It seems this basic foundation is missing here. I suggest a therapist might be able to help you sort out where to go from here. I wish you the best. :) " +"I've been going through a rough time lately. I been into nothing but women. I've never thought about men until a week ago. I'm very upset and depressed about this. It's not normal to me. I looked at gay porn more than once to prove that I'm not gay. I get the same results each time, and I feel disgust. This is tough on me. I'm scared that I looked too many times. I keep thinking about it and shake all the time."," Hi Brookfield, It can be unsettling when we feel something as fundamental as our intercourseual orientation shifting. I like that you're honest enough with yourself to say ""I'm struggling with this"". To accept that there is a question is a brave place to be. And...it doesn't necessarily mean you're gay. Unfortunately, we live in a culture that wants to put people in slots...male or female, straight or gay...we tend to not like those grey areas so much as a culture. The truth is that, if we grew up in a society where there wasn't this categorization...if we felt free to explore and grow intercourseually, we might be surprised at who we are attracted to. You don't have to put yourself in a slot. Our intercourseual preferences are more fluid than we think, and it can change over time. We also live in a culture where there is prejudice against homointercourseuality or ""differentness"" in general. The wish to not be gay can be powerful. Many people who are gay spend years believing they were heteroxual...fighting against, repressing  or ignoring their gay thoughts. This is needless pain. If you are gay, there is no shame in that and you can still have a glorious life filled with love and passion. Having said all that...just because you have thoughts about men or get turned on by gay porm doesn't mean you're gay. Many heterointercourseual people have thoughts and fantasies about the same intercourse; it's arousing because it's naughty...we're curious about the forbidden, or we're just curious. Becoming aroused by gay porn is normal for many heterointercourseual men.  intercourseual orientation isn't just about intercourse either. A different gauge of who you are intercourseually can be found in your emotions towards men or women. Are you drawn into emotional connections with men more than women? Who do you feel the urge to explore and be close to? Exploring your intercourseuality through being open to different experiences can help too. How does it feel to kiss a man, to touch a man, as compared with a woman...sometimes this feels like such a big and forbidden step that it's a barrier to discovering ourselves. We don't want to open that door.  I wish you well as you do exactly what you are supposed to be doing...exploring and discovering yourself. It's an exciting journey and you might want to find a trusted person to talk more about this with.  " +"He owns his own business. Sometimes, he stays out all night but doesn't tell me. We have a son together, and I get to stay home with him. He says I complain too much about what he's doing. We've been together a year and a half. I got pregnant after being together for a month. We moved in together when I had my son in July. Everything was great, and then he started the staying out. He then started not spending time with either of us. I just don't know if I'm doing something wrong. We've talked and he says this is just how he is, but he wasn't like this before."," Congrats on the birth of your son! Your situation sounds painful, lonely, and isolating. And, these features are eating away at your self-confidence. Start by believing in yourself.   The feelings and ideas you describe here would only be arising from within you because they are at the very least, partly true. Ask your boyfriend if he is willing to listen and understand your point of view.  If he does, then hopefully the two of you will more easily talk with one another about the truth of feeling overwhelmed by the quick pace of your courtship and becoming a family. If these discussions continuously include him blaming you for having your own feelings and expecting him to more actively be a part of your and your son's life, then you'll need to start valuing your feelings and what is best for you and your son, by yourself. I send you lots of good luck! " +"I've been going through a rough time lately. I been into nothing but women. I've never thought about men until a week ago. I'm very upset and depressed about this. It's not normal to me. I looked at gay porn more than once to prove that I'm not gay. I get the same results each time, and I feel disgust. This is tough on me. I'm scared that I looked too many times. I keep thinking about it and shake all the time."," Are you able to give yourself some peace of mind while you take the time to further address whether or not you are gay? Whether or not and to what degree a person accepts their intercourseuality, depends on dense factors such as the culture of your family, the beliefs about gay people with which you were brought up, and your own tolerance for being a unique individual. Examining these factors, whether inwardly by yourself, in online blogs and sites, or live with other people, requires patience and effort. The more you are willing to commit to figuring out your own truth, the greater is your chance of finding it! " +I don't know how to notice or express my feelings besides anger. That's really the only one i feel.," Well, then give yourself some credit for noticing that you recognize at least one feeling that you have! What is your own theory as to what is difficult to know your feelings?  Your answer will give you clues as to unearthing your willingness to be aware of the way you feel. Sometimes the family in which someone grew up, did all they could to stop the kids from knowing who they were. In some families there were very severe consequences if a child spoke up with an independent mind.  By knowing where your difficulties started, you may very well be able to release the situation in which you learned to suppress your feelings. Also, spend some time with yourself just enjoying who you are.   Often, people who have difficulty in expressing themselves, suffered shame and humiliation as a child.  They have a chronic sense of worthlessness, and feeling worthless certainly works against self-expression.  By having a good time being with yourself, you may increase your self-appreciation and this will go a long way to believing that your feelings are worth knowing and stating. " +"I'm a little paranoid. My mind does get the best of me. One night, I put chairs under all of my door knobs because I thought someone might break in. I also think a lot, which is probably the reason for the paranoia. I can't stand loud noises, like the sound of cars going by. The grocery store is too noisy, and I feel like people are looking at me."," Paranoid people don't realize they are paranoid.  They believe their actions to be reasonable responses to potential threats. From what you write, you are aware that your actions may be understood as extreme. Instead of trying to fit your behavior into a negative psychological category, try seeing each of the behaviors you list here, as your own uniqueness. This way you will become more tolerant of what very well be your natural tendencies. If you are someone who needs a lot of time in quiet, then not liking loud noises doesn't make you paranoid, it is simply the way of who you are. One possible way of feeling better is if you would accept the answers you've developed so far for yourself.  They may be a little unusual compared to what we consider mainstream.   From what you describe, you already are dealing with what you call ""paranoia"". " +"I love him so much, and I don't know what to do."," Does he tell you a reason as to why he feels you don't love him? Ask him this so you will clearly know his definition of ""love"". " +"My life is completely normal, yet I feel empty inside. I feel as if I already know why I'm alive: to reproduce and die."," Are there any times or moments in which you feel other than ""empty""?  Start with knowing the context of when you feel something other than empty. If there is no recent example, then in your mind, go back in time to think of when you felt something other than empty.  Recall what you liked about this time, whether you were by yourself or with others, what type of activity you were involved at the time of non-emptiness. How did you come to your conclusion that your life purpose is to reproduce and die?   If this is what your parents, siblings and extended family believe, it is possible that you have a broader view of yourself and haven't yet uncovered a way of defining your own philosophy of living. Give yourself the time to browse around online, or in person social meet ups, on your interests.  It is possible you will discover entire new areas of life and ways of considering life, that are brand new to you and which connect to your true self. This is one way of respecting your individuality, which of itself, may decrease your sense of emptiness. " +"He is verbally abusive. When he gets mad, he just yells at me. At times, I feel scared."," Good for you on recognizing your own feelings.   Often in an abusive relationship, the person who is being abused, starts doubting themselves and starts tolerating, then accepting abuse. Marriage is based in love and feeling taken care of by the partner.  Feeling scared is the opposite of this. If you feel ready, tell him the way you feel and pay attention to how willing your husband is to being aware that he yells and that you feel scared. If he has no idea of what you're talking about, doesn't want to understand what you feel, then slowly take steps to understand within yourself whether or not tolerating your husband's behavior is acceptable to live with on an everyday basis. " +"I think I'm annoying and bothersome, but my girlfriend says I'm just fine. I don't think so, I think I'm stressing everyone else out"," ""Where you put your attention is where you will go"". I forget who said this first, but it's very powerful. If all you think about and talk about is how annoying you think you might be, that will get annoying. Your intense self reflection is lovely; it will help you monitor yourself so that you're not affecting others negatively, but your alarm is going off too easily here and you risk having the opposite effect. You don't have to be perfect. She's with you, so she probably likes you as you are. She seems to put far less emphasis on your possibly annoying traits. We all have faults and if that's what we focus on, that's all we will see. My hunch is that your most annoying trait might be your negative self-talk. How ironic is that? There's another irony here...your goal is to be a better partner...but when you are self-critical, your focus is on you, not her. Every moment that fear grabs ahold of you is a moment that you're not being present in the actual relationship; you're gazing at your imagined faults. Fear steals your ability to focus on your loving partner.  Maybe take a moment to image how she sees you...all of you. Put yourself in her shoes to see the entire you...how are you loving...thoughtful...a good partner? Confidence is a very attractive quality!  " +"My fiancé and I have almost the best relationship every girl wants, but lately it's changed. I get less attention and little to no intercourse. He works a lot and goes to the gym a lot (he's a football player for an indoor league), but he has no time for me. We live two hours from family, and when I leave home to see family, he'll text me saying ""whatever"" and ""leave me alone."" But when we're together, everything is okay. No fighting or anything. I love this man, but I just don't know what to do anymore."," Hello, It doesn't feel good when it seems that your partner no longer cares or cares less for you, especially if your feelings have not changed. It can be scary, frustrating, and lonely. Have you tried talking to him about your concerns? I would suggest to start there. There may be several reasons for his actions, some of which may have nothing to do with how he feels for you. Learning about what is going on for him will likely answer your questions and, depending on his response, may cause some relief. When initiating conversations about subjects that are sensitive, there are a few things that you want to remember. Tell him how you are feeling and what you are experiencing, rather than blaming him or telling him what he is doing wrong. Avoid using extreme, black and white language (i.e. always and never). For example, you may say something such as, ""I feel confused that we are rarely intimate and I'm wondering if you've also noticed this change"" versus ""You are never intimate with me anymore."" Don't be afraid to ask him questions. You deserve to know what is going on, as his behavior is effecting your well being. I like to ask open-ended questions instead of yes and no questions. It allows for more clarity and deeper explanation. Lastly, ask yourself (and possibly him) what part you play in the recent changes. Does he feel that you've been distant? Does he need something from you? Let him know that you are willing to work things out as a team. If communication attempts fail, seeing a couple's therapist can be a great benefit. Having an objective party to coach you through this difficut time can give you the support that will create lasting changes in your relationship. Best of luck to you!  " +"I have been dating a guy for two years. I think I love him, but I don't know any more. I am in my late teens, and I have been living with him for most of our relationship. I have been talking to a guy friend, and I feel more loved by him than my boyfriend."," Hi Michigan, Relationships are so sparkly for a few years, and then things start to feel different. Most of the time, this is simply because we've pulled back from all the attachment-forming behaviours we did at the beginning. We stop talking a lot, because we have less to discover...we do less for each other and buy fewer gifts...spend less time together...all because we have already formed the love and attachment and we don't need to ""fill the gas tank"" as much. So, just because it feels different doesn't mean it's ""gone bad"". Having said that, it seems as though you are missing something in this relationship that you need; you don't feel loved enough right now. Can you tell him? Have you told him? The strength of your relationship is more clear when people know what the expectations are. Let him know what you need, and see if he gets it.  You have choices to make and there is no wrong choice. You certainly have the right to say ""this isn't feeling great anymore"", or ""I want to explore other relationships"", and walk away. But often it's worth it to see how good something can be before you bail.  You're drawn to someone else, and this is up to you to decide how this fits with your expectations of yourself in a relationship. Your interest in this other guy is sparkly and new. Your boyfriend can't compete with that if he doesn't know you're unhappy.  For some people, being drawn to someone else is a sign they're not into their partner. For others, it's a danger alert, and it makes them want to improve their current relationship. Which one are you? " +"Something happened this summer that I cannot forgive myself for. When I think about what happened, I feel ashamed and guilty even though my loved ones forgave me."," A lot of times it is not about forgiveness but learning from experiences. As an example, as a child we continously fall in an effort to learn how to walk. Then when we begin walking we know we have to put one foot in front of the other in order to move forward. Experiences allow us to grow, find a balance and what to do and what not to do in order to move forward. On the positive side you now know the consequences as for your actions not to take the same course. Forgiveness comes with time as you ""learn how to walk again."" " +"People have been calling me names, and I have had enough of it. I cannot stand it anymore I'm done. I have told someone this, and that is why I am writing this. The thoughts are awful."," It's sounds like you are feeling pretty overwhelmed with intrusive thoughts and are feeling very criticized by others as well. I think it is great that you are reaching out and I can tell that you want this to change. Working with a competent therapist may be a good option for getting some more clarity about what is going on, developing ways to cope, and eventually getting relief from these overwhelming experiences. " +"We live with my ex-partner's sister and her husband. We have been there for five years now. They are Hispanic and talk to my daughter in their language. Sometimes they overstep their balance between aunt and uncle and reach into my role as a parent. They neglect to see this. I do, and it reflects in my child's behavior. She sees them as stable but is upset that her dad isn't here, and my intuition tells me she blames me to a degree because she doesn't know about his alcohol addictions."," Hi New York, I'm happy to hear that your daughter doesn't know about her dad's addictions. Although you don't say how old she is, and I imagine that at some point in her life she will be ready to know the truth, I trust your instinct that now is not the time. Your ability to have clear boundaries about what is adult conversation and what is suitable for a child to know are really important here, and I can tell you're being appropriately protective and a thoughtful parent. As much as this helps your daughter, I sense that you also know you can't take away the emotional pain that comes from having an absent parent. Children tend to blame themselves for a parent's absence. These children need extra love and support wherever they can get it. You say that you feel like there is a wedge between you and your daughter. I understand that having your ex partner's relatives in the same home would make it uncomfortable at times. It is very important to establish boundaries; only you should parent your daughter, but it's also natural for people to want to assist you. Let's trust that their intentions are good, if there is no evidence to the contrary. As much as they support you, they also  have emotional ties to your daughter's father.  While there is potential for discomfort in this complex situation, there are also many positive factors here that I invite you to see. I don't know what your culture is, but for your daughter to have the opportunity to preserve her father's heritage language and a relationship with his family are potentially wonderful additions to her life. In general, the more adults around loving and supporting a child, the better.  It could be that you are feeling threatened by small moments where there appears to be a special connection between your daughter and her father's family. Nothing anyone else does can take your daughter's love from you. My hope for you is that you can feel so secure in your own position as loving mother that you will not feel intimidated by other positive connections your daughter has. They are potentially wonderful connections, and she deserves your support in maintaining those relationships if they don't harm her. I suggest that the most important alliances to work on here are between you and your ex's family. If you could all give your daughter the gift of a healthy, united supportive and loving safety net for her...that's the best outcome of all.  " +"I was in a situation with a guy. He's my brother's friend and kind of like a brother to me. He invited me over to hang out, and then came on to me. I was instantly terrified to say no, and I gave in. I don't know what's wrong with me. I can't figure out why I'm afraid to say no. This is giving me a lot of guilt and depression."," Hi Tennessee, There is nothing wrong with you. There are many good reasons why you didn't say no. You didn't say no because you were caught off guard and unprepared; there is no place in life that teaches girls or boys how to manage it when someone crashes a intercourseual boundary. You also live in a culture where girls are encouraged to be cooperative and not upset people, and to put the needs of other people first. You instinctively want people to like you, and people can be very coercive intercourseually. You said it yourself; you ""gave in"". He wore you down. There's nothing wrong with you. It wasn't your job to say no. Women aren't the gatekeepers of male intercourseual urges. It was his job to get your consent first. He pressured you into it.  A good therapist would help you to dig deep and uncover all these barriers to saying no and more. If you said no, what might happen then? What might that mean about you? What are you avoiding feeling? Unloved, unwanted, cold? What would you have to believe in order to be confident enough to say no? That you didn't have to do anything you don't want to do? That you're special, or that intercourseuality is special? Would you need a better understanding of what intercourseual assault is?  I love that you want to do some work here to strengthen your intercourseual boundaries, and I urge a widespread conversation about what consent it. Men and women of all ages could use more of this training.  " +"Sometimes I can't stop thinking about life after death. I was raised in a religion that teaches that we will live on forever either in hell or in heaven. +When I think of living forever (even if it is in heaven which should be good), I feel overwhelmed. I don't like the thought of living forever and ever and ever. Sometimes I just can't get the thought out of my mind and the thoughts lead to panic and anxiety. +Am I crazy? I don't think these thoughts are normal."," Hi California, What you're experiencing is indeed anxiety; it's very common. Through research we know a lot of things about how to reduce anxiety. I'll get you started and it's a great idea to connect with a therapist who can build on these ideas and get to know you well. It's natural to have random thoughts that unsettle us. Our brains are complex, wonderful things. Fearful and anxious thoughts are a part of this picture; their purpose is to prepare us for the future and to help us make sense of the past and learn from it. But what happens sometimes is that our alarm systems get out of whack and get set off too easily. We often spend TOO MUCH time worrying about things that happened or might happen. When these thoughts take away from our enjoyment of life, it becomes a problem. So, while fear and anxiety try to protect us, they also seek power and will take any power they can get. In general, fear and anxiety try to tell us one or both of two things: that something is wrong with us, or that something bad will happen (or that something bad will happen because there's something wrong with us). They will use anything they can as evidence to convince you. For example... ""That person looked at you funny. You're strange looking"". Well there are dozens of possible explanations for the look on that person's face, and it's unlikely it had anything to do with you.  For you personally, your thoughts are about the afterlife...about living forever. What does fear tell you will be uncomfortable about living forever? What would the worst part be? A therapist would help you dig deep to find the core of what you fear. It might be that you have no control over who you are or where you go. It might be that you fear going to hell because you're ""bad"". Search for that deepest fear. I invite you then to picture that thought as a glass of water on a shelf. It's a heavy glass, and if you held it in your hands for a while and stared at it, it would get in the way; you'd be uncomfortable and unable to focus on your life. That's what's happening now. I suggest that the problem is not so much the thought you're having; we all have random silly thoughts that usually aren't true. The problem is how long you're holding it in your hand. You could have that thought (pick up that glass) a hundred times a day and, as long as you put it right back on the shelf, it's not a problem. The trick is to get it back on that shelf. Right now, you're using distraction to do this. You're trying to focus on other things around you, but I think the glass is still in your hand. It's not enough; you're looking for more tools to get that glass back on the shelf.  And the key is in your thoughts. Once you find out what fear is trying to tell you, then you can ""talk back to"" fear. So, as an example, if fear is saying to you ""you have no control over anything"", then you can work to accept the pieces you don't have control over, learn to tolerate that feeling, and claim back the pieces you CAN control. You CAN control the extent to which you let fear take you over.  With a therapist you can learn to ""refute"" fears' ideas. You can learn to look for concrete evidence of fear's lies and gain back control over your thoughts. I wish you the best! " +"I have a problem with binge eating, especially during times of stress. I binge eat and feel so overwhelmed with shame and disappointment that I end up going to the gym and trying to exercise the calories off. I am in my late 20s, and I have been dealing with this since I was a teenager. Are there any coping mechanisms I can use to break this cycle?"," In dealing with an eating disorder you are far from alone.  It is more common than you might think and tied to so many variables that it is easy for an individual to become overwhelmed in trying to navigate the influences of such variables.  I have been working with individuals dealing with such challenges since 1998 and have found over the years that behavioral analysis is highly effective in helping you begin to isolate, understand and then be able to address many of these variable impacting your behavioral and cognitive choices.   Consider finding someone trained in Dialectic Behavior Therapy (DBT).  There is a large body of evidence supporting the use of this approach to alleviating many of the aspects you identified in your post as well of a wide variety of tools that you can choose from and utilize that are able to practiced and assimilated into your daily tool box of coping mechanisms that end up becoming new behaviors and ways of thinking about issues that become automatic, the best possible outcome you can hope for if you want the solution to be sustainable.    " +"We are the legal guardianship of our grandson. He has been acting out, and he wants to talk to his mom that has not talked to him since before last year. How are we to handle this?"," Hi Boone, This depends a lot on his age and the situation. The younger the child is, in general, the more I would see this as your decision, not his. A child of any age should be listened to carefully about these matters, but just because a child has unresolved issues about a parent doesn't necessarily mean that having contact is a good solution.  Some questions... Was the parent harmful to the child? Is the parent likely to be harmful to the child? How likely is it to be a positive experience? Do you have any contact with the parent? You may want to speak with the parent first to determine whether they are in a stable enough place to allow this to happen.   I would start by asking the child more about what is on his mind. What does he want to get out of a visit with the parent? Is it to see them and know the parent is okay, to get an apology, to apologize for a perceived hurt, to have regular contact, to find out if they are loved...? What does he hope mom or dad might do or say in the visit? There are many possible goals this child might have in mind. This will give you a sense of what's missing for the child; what need are they trying to fill. Once you know the need, try to determine the likelihood of that need being met successfully through contact. Once you determine the risk of the child's need not being met, then you decide whether it makes sense.  The older the child, the more able they are to determine this with you or for themselves.  There are other options than a face-to-face. He can write to his mom or dad, text or email.  It's likely that the child is looking for a sense that he is loved, wanted, worth some effort. When a child is separated from a parent, they tend to blame themselves. Whether he sees the parent or not, he will need extra love, attention and support than a child who has two loving, present parents. I wish him the best and I'm grateful for the love and support you continue to give your grandson. You're very special! " +"We had our first kid 15 years ago, and intercourse has been nonexistent ever since. It only happens every three or four months. We have been to counseling, and I have been told over and over again she will come around. She hasn't, and I'm intimately lonely! I think it's time to move on, but how do I do that without hurting my kids?"," Hi Pocahontas, This is a painful situation. When you're in a relationship, you assume that you will continue to receive warmth and affection. When it dries up, it's a very lonely place. It's possible that there is an unaddressed issue in the relationship. It's also possible that your partner has hormonal issues, pain issues,  intercourseual dysfunction or is aintercourseual.  There is no one answer here. Only you can decide what is right for you. But let me ask some questions to help you explore next steps: Aside from the intercourse, is your wife loving and supportive? What are the other ways in which you feel loved? Does your wife talk to you? Does she communicate her needs and desires? Does she articulate what gets in the way of having intercourse? If your wife is generally a loving, open partner, you use this to see that her behaviours aren't personal. Whether she resolves this or not, it can help you to cope with the rejection. This is your wife's issue, and the ""ball"" is in her court. In my opinion, if couple's therapy hasn't helped, it's time for your wife to own whatever is blocking her and address it with her physician and therapist. Let her be in charge of the intercourse for a while, to take the pressure off, and she can have the time to figure out what gets in the way of having regular intercourseual intimacy in your relationship. If you think of this as ""my wife is in crisis and needs support in figuring this out"", it can help you manage your own emotions.  Pressure to have intercourse might push her further away. Did the couple therapist help you to see the dynamic in your relationship? Has your partner identified something she feels she is lacking in the relationship? One good way to make sure you ""get"" is to ""give"" (and I mean give what she wants, not intercourse).  It's appropriate to say to her now ""I cannot live in a relationship with so little intimacy. I need for you to be honest with me about what you want for us intercourseually. If this is all you want, I'm not sure I can do it. If you want us to be more intercourseual, I need you to address what gets in the way for you.""  Give her some time, help her in any way you can, and then see where you are. See if she does seek help to address an issue that is hers.  Then...you have a decision to make. I encourage you to make it looking at the big picture, not just the intercourse.  " +"I have been experiencing a lot of intercourseual tension with a lot of the guys that I talk to nowadays. I keep imagining having intercourse with them. I have never had intercourse before, nor have I had a boyfriend. I feel lonely and empty. I feel like my body is not okay, and I am missing something. I talk to so many boys in school, and I always fantasize about half of them. I want this feeling to stop because it is interfering with my time to study since most of the time, I am busy thinking about intercourse."," Hi Montreal, I'm glad you wrote. What you're experiencing is normal. We're intercourseual beings. We have a built-in desire to connect intercourseually with others, because it feels good, to keep procreation going, and mostly to ""connect"" with other people, because connecting with others makes us feel fulfilled and valuable. intercourseual desire is a healthy part of you. Maybe your body is telling you it wants to dive into that water and taste it instead of just staring at it? It sounds like you're beginning to explore yourself intercourseually, and that's okay. At your young age, you also have another innate burning desire, and that is to know yourself. I see both of these desires burning and competing in you. It's a bit of a crazy time...you want to connect with others but you're not sure who you are or what you want from them. You want to know yourself but you can't learn about yourself in a vacuum.  It's okay to trust your instincts. It's okay to connect intercourseually with others, as long as you're preventing disease and pregnancy and you know how to protect your boundaries. But even as I write this, I think maybe I'm being controlling and overprotective of you; it's your body and you're in charge of what happens to it! (But I do want you to be safe...whatever that means to you). Maybe talk to someone you trust.  With each encounter you have with other people (intercourseual or not), you will learn more about yourself and what you want, both intercourseually and just in relationship or friendship. You will develop a sense of who you are. Have you tried to get to know yourself intercourseually? This is a super place to start, and knowing how your own body works can give you confidence when you eventually connect with others. When you explore your own body, what feels good? What brings you to orgasm?  I wish you well as you explore both who you are and how it feels to connect with others safely. :) " +"I self-harm, and I stop for awhile. Then when I see something sad or depressing, I automatically want to self-harm."," In a way, self-harm can present somewhat like an addiction.  According to new research within the field of neuroscience there is a valid explanation for this.  When a person cuts or uses other forms of self harm, the body produces endorphins to help make a person feel better.  If a person was dealing with depression or high anxiety, that might be misinterpreted by the brain as a way to help oneself feel better and a new neural network or map might form (addiction) that would utilize this new behavior.  Another way to look at it would be thru a behavioral lens, a positive reward for a behavior, even though the behavior has other long term negative consequences.   Consider working with someone who can both have you work on and address those items that trigger your behavior and the root causes, in this case sadness or depression, and second find someone who can help give you alternatives that take into account the neurological requirement by replacing the behavior with another behavior (such as snapping a rubber band on the wrist) and working to extinguish the unwanted behavior.   Someone who is trained in Dialectic Behavior Therapy and/or Interpersonal Neurobiology would most likely have the skills and means available to address this with you.  " +"I feel insecure in my life. I don't think my wife truly wants our relationship even though she says she does. I have turned to drinking to help relieve my repressed stress about this and other issues. I have had a drinking problem for a few years. I feel the reason I drink is not just because I like to, but because I have lately been on edge. I've been very oddly emotional when watching movies that I have been watching for years. I'm paranoid about driving on main roads. I'm very jumpy at the slightest noises."," Given the description you have posted here, it may be time to find someone to work with.  First and foremost, look into working with someone who specializes in working with individuals with challenges surrounding drinking. This would need to be assessed first since if it has been ongoing, it may be making the situation worse and given the time it has been utilized as a coping mechanism, there is reason to believe that the structure of your brain may have been effected as has been demonstrated by current neurological research.  There are however, ways to address this.   As for coping mechanisms, the person you work with should also look at offering you alternatives such as the skills found within the Dialectic Behavior Therapy model (DBT) which has several useful tools to help address the underlying anxiety and difficulty managing emotional regulation.  Mindfulness, another component of DBT should also prove to be useful in both becoming aware of your state of mind and emotional state to allow you to make different choices which has been supported by a growing body of evidence.  There are also other tools designed to help repair damaged relationships.  Well worth looking into. Seeking help is never easy and it is only human to be hesitant given some of the cultural views of working with therapist.  This is a difficult place to be in and one that is not easy to move out of, but sitting on it is not going to help it go away.  Think of it this way, if you broke your arm, would you just wrap it up and hope for the best? or seek out a professional to help you set the break and teach you how to mend the wound.  The same applies here.  Think of it as first aid for the mind.  " +I avoid talking to him because he always makes me more upset. I can't be honest with him about anything because he is always rude to me.," Hi Troy, I totally get this. It's a dilemma; you want your dad to know how he's hurting you but you don't feel safe enough to say anything to him. Your reaction is understandable; it's his responsibility as a parent to work harder than you to create that safe place for you to be open. But that's not who your dad is. Your dad is your dad, and waiting for him to change won't really help. Nothing you do can change your dad, but...there are things you can do for yourself and your relationship with him.  While your response of avoiding him is understandable, I wonder what effect it has on your dad. It's possible that he's feeling frustrated, rejected and punished by your withdrawal. You may think he knows that you're feeling hurt, but he probably doesn't. So this is the squirrel chasing its tail: your dad is rude, so your habit is to be silent, then he maybe feels abandoned and frustrated. His frustration comes out as more rudeness, which makes you want to withdraw more, and the cycle starts all over again. You can't change his part of the cycle but you can change yours. Are you willing to take a risk? Can you be honest about how you're feeling? What's the worst thing that could happen if you said to your dad ""You know why I avoid you? I stay silent because when I talk to you say rude things. So if you want me to talk, I need to know you can listen."" I imagine it would come out differently because you're a few generations younger than me, but put that into your own words. I don't know the level of your dad's 'rudeness'. If he is abusive, then a better plan is to see a therapist alone or talk to someone about this. I don't want to put you at any risk. But if you don't worry your dad will hurt you, maybe give honesty a try. My point is that, as rude as your dad may be, checking out of a relationship by being silent is also rude. It's powerful...your silence. Your dad can't read your mind, and if you want things to be better you will need to get in that ring with him. And, if you're both open to it, seeing a therapist together can be really helpful. :) " +"As a child, my parents injured my brother, so they went to prison. I was there when he had gotten hurt, but I can't seem to remember. I also can't remember being with them quite well. It's a blur."," It's important to know that there are counselors who are trained in working with survivors of trauma and you can get help.  The ""blur"" in your memories is your brain's attempt to protect you from the experiences in your past.  To recover them can be a slow process done by a trained professional that you trust.  When you are ready and feel safe, those memories can be recovered and can be integrated with other memories.  This will help to lessen the potency of the memory, help to make sense of what has happened, and allow you to begin the healing process.  Check into therapist who are trained in EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing).   " +"I feel like I am internally screaming all the time. Externally, I am calm, but I have this intense, unidentifiable emotion constantly. I don't feel sad. I don't cry a lot. I feel rather emotionally distant other than the internal screaming. It kind of feels like I'm a caged animal.","As far as the formal diagnosis of depression goes, it would be hard to determine without more information. It sounds like you are noticing that there is a significant difference between how you are feeling on the inside and how you express yourself outwardly. Part of you is quite distressed and yet it remains invisible to the outside world, almost as if it is trapped inside of your body. Many people who are depressed experience such things as intrusive thoughts, emotional numbness, difficulty expressing themselves, and bodily tension (caged animal?). In working with a competent therapist, you may be able to get more insight into what you are going through, the nature of the disconnect between you inner feelings and outer expression, and eventually gain relief from the distress as well as a greater sense of connection with yourself and personal freedom. " +"As a child, my parents injured my brother, so they went to prison. I was there when he had gotten hurt, but I can't seem to remember. I also can't remember being with them quite well. It's a blur."," Sorry to hear of having witnessed violence within your family when you were very young. Your blocked memories are a self-protection from the enormous emotional pain and feeling de-stabilized by realizing that the people whom you expected to trust, are harmful. Already you are at the first step, which is to know that memories exist about the disturbing events concerning your brother. Probably the best way of finding your way back to those times, is by paying attention to all of who you are today. The more intently and with loving interest you are able to notice yourself, you will be gradually dissolving the layers of protective thoughts about intimacy being unsafe. Basically, you will be teaching yourself how to slowly trust yourself. Since trust is what was violated while you were young, you will be developing a new model for trusting yourself and others. Then, more of the memories of your painful and overwhelming times will make themselves available to you. They are simply waiting for you to be strong and trusting enough within yourself, to tolerate them! " +"I have not had a friend since I was 19. I don't go anywhere, and I have no job, all because I'm afraid of people.","Individual and/or group therapy can be a powerful antidote for social anxiety. Often in therapy, the things that tend to get in the way of our securing satisfying and lasting personal relationships will appear in some way in the therapy relationship and a competent therapist will be able to help you work through this anxiety, in a sensitive way, and eventually encourage you to seek out the personal relationships that you want. In group therapy, you have an opportunity to have a relationship not only with the therapist, but several other people who are all in the group in order to give and receive mutual support to one another. " +"I feel insecure in my life. I don't think my wife truly wants our relationship even though she says she does. I have turned to drinking to help relieve my repressed stress about this and other issues. I have had a drinking problem for a few years. I feel the reason I drink is not just because I like to, but because I have lately been on edge. I've been very oddly emotional when watching movies that I have been watching for years. I'm paranoid about driving on main roads. I'm very jumpy at the slightest noises."," Sorry hearing about the big amount of stress which you are feeling at this time. Since a lot of your stress is directed to uncertainty of whether your wife is happy being with you, would you consider continuing the conversation with her about your understanding of her answer to you? Your observation that she says one thing and behaves in a different way, is meaningful. Bringing your point to her attention would at the very least demonstrate her interest in showing and explaining her viewpoint about you. Basically, you'd be expecting her to care about you and how she handles herself with this question, may clarify what you're trying to find out. The good news about your relationship with alcohol, is that you realize you're overdoing it. From what you write, the emotional pain and helplessness you feel currently, seem too much to know about all at once. One possibility is to accept your feelings of hurt and insecurity.  This is the first step of working with them.   If they start feeling overwhelming, then maybe too, you can distract yourself for a while from the intensity by engaging in an activity that is not self-harming. After all, you are the most important person in your life, so keep yourself safe and healthy! " +"My issue isn't resisting angry urges; it's the anger itself. My rage is extreme and vastly disproportionate to the direct stressor. It causes violent thoughts, but I never act. I stay lucid enough to know the rage is violent, not me. I don't want to drown myself in anger and resentment."," Knowing how you feel and also being able to stabilize yourself to act upon the tremendous anger you feel, are fine qualities. Anger, whatever the magnitude, generally reflects emotional pain that has not yet been placed into words. Try thinking over your growing up years because maybe you will discover certain repeated dynamics which upset you and that no one helped you feel secure through such times. Also, if either of your parents drank too much and raged when they were drunk, you may be repeating their patterns of how to respond to situations.    Even without drinking, the response patterns of yelling and throwing things are frightening enough to leave a permanent memory. If this describes part of your childhood, then it is possible you are becoming angry because it was the only emotion that either of your parents was able to express. " +"I always see the worst end of things. My boyfriend and I aren't talking, and I swear he's leaving me. I keep failing my road test, and I see my future crumble. I have no desire for friends. I pushed my best friend away after Christmas, and I have no desire to fix it or make new friends. My aunt died, and I cry all the time, even if I burn my lunch."," I really love that you're taking responsibility for your pessimism here. There's a modern parable about two young brothers. One child is in a room full of every toy you could imagine, and he's miserable; the other is in a room full of horse manure, and he's flinging it around with joy. So then someone comes and asks the first boy why he's so miserable, because he has so much. He says that he's missing the one toy that he really wants. Then the brother is asked why he's so happy in a room full of manure, and he says ""With all this sh-t, there's gotta be a pony in here somewhere!"" Happiness is a state of mind, and I hear you saying that you used to be happy, so maybe this means you believe it's possible. That's a wonderful start. Research on depression shows us that it is very linked to pessimism. You say ""I always see the worst end of things"". That's pessimism. Life is like an elephant. If all you see is roughness, backup and walk around; the view will change.  The key to optimism is to build your ability to see the bad things in life as 1. temporary (this will pass. I know how to fix friendships), 2. Specific (not involving the whole of your life), and 3. not your fault (tons of people fail road tests). On the flip side, it helps if we can see good things as 1. more permanent, 2. bleeding into other areas of our lives, and 3. something YOU created. Not taking credit for good things and blaming yourself for the bad ones is typical especially of women.  The feelings you are having are temporary; you're in a slump and it's a good time to sit down and look at how you can make the picture look different. I think you know how; but you lack energy right now. If tackling this on your own isn't enough, a therapist can help you take that step back to look at the big picture and help you rebuild your natural resilience and capacity for joy. I wish you the best. " +"I was in a relationship with him for three years. My mom doesn't like it because she thinks I'm making a mistake. He got married a few months after we broke up, and now he is divorced. I forgave him for what he did in the past, and he says he's sorry and he really loves me. I love him too, but is it bad that I'm giving him a second chance again?"," Hey, it might be mistake in the end but this is a risk you want to take and you get to make your own mistakes. Your mom wants to protect you; I get that. Maybe she is worried you'll be hurt again. Were you hurt in some way by him? Can you understand where she's coming from?  Sometimes when we're mad at our partner and we complain about them to mom, it's hard to know how to repair mom's relationship with the partner when things are better and we reunite. Can you help your mom understand that you take responsibility for your part in how it went wrong; that the picture you may have painted of him isn't the total picture? She might need help there.  Thank your mom for her love and care, and you can also let her know clearly that you and your boyfriend are the only ones who get to decide whether you're together or not, that it's a risk you are going to take, and that you really need her support. :) " +"I was anxious to go to middle school. I was afraid of what people might say about me, so when school started, I wasn't acting like myself. I was quiet, which I'm usually not. I didn't talk to anybody and didn't have any friends. Then a few years later, my grandma died. I really became depressed and stop going to school for a little. I hated myself and still do. I just need help. I need someone to care for me. I need someone to show that they care."," I agree; you need more care and support. No one deserves to feel alone, or like they hate themselves. We're all wonderful, imperfect, complicated people and we're at our best when we're all helping each other. I'm glad you wrote this question, because a lot of people have this feeling sometimes.  I can tell that you're smart, because you seem to sense that the two things you wrote about are connected...you ""not being yourself"", and then how you felt when your grandma died.  When Grandma died, you needed and deserved extra love and support, but the people around you didn't seem to give it to you, maybe. My hunch is that they wanted to, but that they didn't know how much you needed it, or what you needed exactly. The older you get, the more you will have to take charge of letting people know what you need. Maybe this is one of the suckier parts of being mature, but that's how it works.  When you started middle school, it sounds like you changed; you got more quiet, right? That must have felt weird, to not be acting like yourself. It sounds like fear tricked you into thinking people wouldn't like you. Fear can be silly. So then, fear got you to not show yourself, and when we don't show ourselves, people can't see who we are; they don't know us as well and then they don't know what we need and they can't care for us as well either. Fear of not being liked isolated you from the people who love you. It does that to a lot of us.  So, where you're at right now is because of what fear did to you, and also because when Grandma died you were already isolated so people couldn't see your pain and know that you needed support.  There's a simple solution, but you'd have to be brave enough to look fear in the face and say ""Get off my back!"". ""You're not helping me by telling me lies."" Can you be brave enough to go back to your old, louder, self? If you talk to the people closest to you...tell them what you think and how you feel, then they'll be able to give you the care that you want and deserve. I wish you well as you try this! " +I've been with the mother of my child for years., I would think that you hold little self worth and feel that you are not worthy of better.  I would suggest that you get to know yourself.   What do you NEED in a relationship?  What is holding you to this relationship other than your child?  What have gone on in the relationship that makes you think or feel you deserve such disrespect?  Just a few questions to ask yourself.. +"We just cannot seem to get along. I cannot have a conversation with her without it turning into World War 3. She treats me like I have no right to an opinion and never really lets me speak. My real mother cares and tries to help me, but she can't do much, because my adoptive mother won't listen to her either."," Going to see a experience counselor would be my advice.  You will have a neutral person that can listen to both sides and help you all find a common ground of understanding.  If she doesn't agree to counseling, really the only person you can change is you.   I would suggest that you approach her with love and let her know what you appreciate about her, let her know the great things she have done that could not be replaced or forgotten however you want your relationship to get better than it has been lately.  Hopefully this will open the door of communication where you can explain your thoughts and feeling but in a loving way.   " +"I started seeing this guy that I met at a mutual friend's place. He recently broke up with his ex-girlfriend and started seeing me. Everything was great in the beginning, then I started having low self-esteem thoughts and thinking he was hanging with his ex-girlfriend again. It's all I think about. I am still seeing him, but things have changed because I am at a loss for words. I get stuck in my own thoughts. I like and care for him a lot. He just makes me nervous and gives me the butterflies."," Sounds like you are struggling with your own negative thoughts.  As you stated, everything was great then you started having low self-esteem thoughts and thinking.  What is contributing to these negative thoughts?  His actions or your past experiences with unhealthy relationships would be my question.. " +I am a survivor of multiple intercourseual abuse/rape experiences. Triggers are having an effect on my daily life and my intercourseual relationship with my partner. I'm trying to learn to cope with them.," Have you tried counseling?  Having PTSD from multiple abusive intercourseual experiences is very overwhelming for one to handle alone.  You may need the guidance, experience and support of a professional to identify all the triggers that effect you and obtain the best coping skills that would work for you.   " +"I am a single mother. As a child, I was molested by my mother's boyfriend. I never knew my father. I started having children at 18 right after high school. After having children, I completely lost myself and gave all of my focus on my children. Now my children are getting older, but I still don't know myself. I've had several attempts at relationships, and they all fail. I stopped caring about a lot after my children's father left me. I fell into a spiral and got depressed."," What your are experience is normal for most women.  We usually forget about self and totally focus on our children putting our personal wants and needs aside.  So to answer your question of how do you get to know yourself I usually do a 6 session course with my client by having them answer questions such as the following in the first session:  What do I love? (other than your children)  What are my own needs and desires?  What 3 things have I accomplished in my life that I'm most proud of?  What are 5 strengths or qualities I have?  What is one event that had a major impact on my life?  How have that event affected my life today?   For their homework assignment after the 1st session, they are asked to write a letter to self tell self what they love, cherish, appreciate and even admire about themselves.   Most women feel awkward at first, but I remind them that the truth is that only to the extent that you are able to love and value yourself, you are to love and support others.   " +"I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. He loves me a lot, and I love him. It hurts to be apart from him for so long. It hurts all over, and then I feel like it won't last.", I would suggest that you look up the word codependency and it's characteristics.  See if you relate to those characteristics.  I have a feeling  you have suffered some form of loss in your life that you have not dealt with properly.  For some reason you are depending on your boyfriend to fill that loss.  Considering working with a counseling to work through your emotions and resolve any lingering issues. +"I feel like I am internally screaming all the time. Externally, I am calm, but I have this intense, unidentifiable emotion constantly. I don't feel sad. I don't cry a lot. I feel rather emotionally distant other than the internal screaming. It kind of feels like I'm a caged animal."," It is hard to make a definite diagnosis however I would say  that it could be and or a combination of depression, stress, PTSD, etc.  More background information would have to be needed.  One thing I would say is that you really need to seek guidance from a professional to work through these symptoms.  If what you described as a caged animal is released, all the crying, sadness, and controllable emotions will come out.  That would not be good when they do.  Get help before they do.. " +"We've been together almost three years. We argue and he ends it by telling me he doesn't love me. It's hurtful because I am all about resolving the problem, and he dwells on the issue even if I drop what he's done and just swallow my pride and say I am sorry. How can this be resolved? We have kids, and I don't want a broken family because we can't communicate."," Under duress the very youngest parts of you and your boyfriend emerge. So, while you still look like grown ups, your actions and words are motivated by very early preverbal parts of both of you. In simple terms it is as if two infants somehow acquire the ability to say words but they are motivated by very basic early wounds that were created due to deficits in what was able to be done for each of you, and likely understandable in terms of caregiver's life experience, and that still fell short of what you needed. You are both still trying to get very early needs met.  The best advice I can offer is to try and remember this as early as possible when things start to heat up, and then restrain expression that you already know leads nowhere helpful. And seek out a therapist who can help you to work with these early issues and can support you to grow and develop from this stuck point. Avraham Cohen, Ph.D, R.C.C., C.C.C. " +"I have not been able to really sleep. I stay up all times of the night not even knowing why. Every day, I feel like I have anger inside of me. I have a little family, but I can't open up to them like I want to. I have a son, and I feel that I take my anger out on him by screaming at him."," Best question is....what are you so angry about?  You can't stop being so angry until you figure out what is the root of your anger.  If you feel like you have anger inside, while I am sure you do.  Taking it out on your son is only passing on the hurt and anger.  This will be inside him too.  Get some professional help so that you can be happy and have a happy child. " +"I start to think of an issue that doesn't even matter or something bad that happened years ago. Then, I cry, pull at my hair, plug my ears, hit myself, and throw things. In loud public places, I get on edge and start being sarcastic and moody. I have an awful fear of people leaving me (which normally ends up happening) and I feel like I'm too clingy."," There is a reason you are having breakdowns. I can't agree that they happen for ""no reason at all"".   Finding out the reason is going to be your biggest challenge because that may require you to dig deep into your past, uncover hurtful experiences, or recognize something that would be extremely pain.  However, if you don't find professional help to carefully guide you through whatever you may confront, the symptoms mentioned will continue and may even get worse.  There is a light at the end of the road but you need some help to find the right road to get on so you can see it. " +"Now that the other girl is out of the picture, our intercourse life isn't the same. Is it because he is still thinking about the other girl?", Or...better yet... Is it you still thinking about the other girl?  I am sure his cheating hurt you emotionally and may have affected your intercourseual performance as well.  Make sure the other girl is out the picture on your end as well.  Sounds like something the both of you need to have a calm and adult conversation about.  +"As I was growing up, my mother and father always fought. With that, I grew trust issues. I think it's going to affect my relationship now and end it sooner then I want to. I try not to let it affect me, but I can't."," If you thing your trust issues are going to end or affect your relationship it will because you are being baggage from your parents into this relationship.  Don't allow their problems to become your problem.  You didn't mention that your partner in your present relationship have done anything to make you not trust them.  Like in the court of law, if no evidence....find not guilty.  Don't make them pay the consequences as if guilty of your parents unhealthy behavior. " +"I been having anger problems a lot lately. It only takes one word wrongly said to set me off. I use to not be like this until I got with my soon-to-be husband. I think his mood and rage/anger problems have rubbed off on me a lot. I don't get nearly as bad as he does, but I yell almost constantly and I can't seem to just stop. I have two young babies that have to hear this, and I don't want my girls growing up with a mommy like I have been lately. I just don't know how to get back to my old self."," With me knowing that a healthy relationship usually includes respect, trust, appreciation, companionship, spiritual solidarity, domestic support, feeling of being cherished, and  sensuous affection, I am wondering if you are lacking in several if not all of these needs in your present relationship.  Before he becomes your husband, you should examine these areas and see if they are high in rating.  Otherwise, yes this relationship will affect your girls and you negatively.  I would suggest relationship counseling, specifically pre-marital.  Not be surprised if through the process you realize that this relationship is not the best choice for you and your children. " +My grandson's step-mother sends him to school with a pink Barbie backpack as a form of punishment.," Parents are to teach discipline to children, not punishment.   Punishment is another word for wanting to cause hurt.  There is a different in discipline and punishment.  Punishment could have long term affects on a child's self image and growth.  It can lead to others issues such as bullying from peers as well.  Whatever your grandson has done, there is a much better way of getting him to understand that his actions are not acceptable.  Punishment is not one them.  Encourage the step-mother to build a positive relationship with him, this way he will learn to respect and trust her.  His actions would improve.  She may need to attend a parenting class for blended families.  " +"I'm depressed. I have been for years. I hide it from everyone because I'm scared of the reactions I'll get. Last time I tried telling my parents, it was a huge argument about me being too young to be depressed (I'm a legal adult), calling me ungrateful, and telling me that if I can't handle things now, it's only going to get worse in the future (which is turning out to be true). It's exhausting pretending to be okay, and I don't know how much longer I can try. I'm just really tired, and sadly, I can't afford the help I need on my own."," Don't think that you can't afford the help you need on your own.  There are several counselors that see people on a sliding scale that can be as low as $5 (based on your income).  Find a center that is non-profit, they have great counselors as well.  It sounds like you know what you are experiencing and know that you need someone to talk to, someone that is willing to listen.  Your parents may not understand what your are feeling right now and that is not totally abnormal. I would encourage you to seek help immediately so you can live the best live you can...which is not being depressed.  " +I have several issues like I don't like people. They make me sick. I have issues with talking to people. I feel like they are talking about me and making fun of me. I have felt this way for years. When I look people in the eyes I have voices that tell me to hurt them and if I don't stop looking at who I am talking to it gets so loud I can't hear what they are saying. I just stay away from people to avoid this. I look at people and think how I could hurt them. I feel like I am worthless and would be better off not in this world where I don't fit in. Every day I wake up it's like another day. Any info would be good.," Sounds like you are dealing with a lot within your self which is causing you great pain.  I would suggest that first you get a full physical evaluation to make sure that you are ok physically.  Then getting a mental evaluation as well from a psychiatrist.  Seeing both would help rule out any physically or psychologically causes to your symptoms.    After getting these evaluations, your physician should be able to help guide you on what treatments would be the best to help with your everyday challenges your are facing.  Whether treatment includes medication and/or psychotherapist would be discussed.  Please consider doing both immediately so you can have the live you want everyday you wake up. " +"My husband used a lot of negative words to hurt me, and I moved out. He is seeing a counselor and wants another chance to make things right. I'm not sure if I trust that he will not go back to his old ways."," I am glad he is seeing a counselor.  That is something that most men struggle with doing at times.  Time will tell if his actions are of good intentions.  However remember that a person can only do to you what you allow them to do in relationships.   What part did you play?  Did you down play his disrespect at one time?  Did you give up the power of your own voice?  Did you lose yourself in the relationship and it became just one sided?  Did you allow him to make you doubt yourself?   In others words, if you do decide to give him another chance, what would you do different?  Not saying that you are the blame or cause of the negative words AT ALL, but don't allow such disrespect from him or anyone else in the future.  If you do decide to give it another try, go in with a voice, with the demand of respect, with your needs and wants expressed and expected.  With an increase in your self worth and confidence, you will know what to do if his actions are true or if with dishonest intentions.    Seek counseling as well, if you need that additional support to find self.  " +"I have a problem with binge eating, especially during times of stress. I binge eat and feel so overwhelmed with shame and disappointment that I end up going to the gym and trying to exercise the calories off. I am in my late 20s, and I have been dealing with this since I was a teenager. Are there any coping mechanisms I can use to break this cycle?"," Hello, This question describes a very typical setup of what is called the  Binge, Repent, Repeat cycle. This means that typically after you binge, you experience emotions as you described ""shame and disappointment"" and then because of these emotions you ""repent"" (i.e. vow to never binge again, promise to ""do better,"" go to the gym, etc.) and then ultimately end up bingeing again.  There are many coping mechanisms for binge eating and one of the best is actually attempting to NORMALIZE eating. Meaning you need to attempt to eat normally, eating appropriately portioned meals 3 times a day, with snacks in between. IF you binge, then it may be helpful to remind yourself that when you attempt to compensate for your bingeing behaviors, and you end up feeling restricted from over exercising or undereating, then this actually leads to a binge again. Thus, reverting you back to the cycle. If you binge, it will be helpful to try and get back on a normal schedule of eating instead of trying to compensate for the binge. Although it may feel counterproductive, getting back on a normal eating schedule will prevent you from entering into the restrictive cycle.  It can also be helpful to remind yourself that the binge has already occurred, it is in the past and the goal is to move forward without focusing on the past. Focus on what you can do differently next time. What emotions or situations led up to the binge? What can you to do prevent or change the circumstances that led to the binge, or the way that you handled the situation?  Lastly, if you're struggling with ""normalizing"" eating, it can be helpful to work with a professional that can provide counseling and coaching to help you learn how to eating normally, mindfully and without feeling the guilt and other harmful emotions sometimes associated with disordered eating. I would be more than happy to assist you if you ever have any questions or want to reach out to somebody. You can contact me via my website: http://www.maddenwellnessky.com/  " +"My parents seem okay with other intercourseualities, but normally they only talk about being gay. When they do talk about biintercourseuality, they say things like “they'll do anything” or things that make me very uncomfortable because I am biintercourseual. I don't know if I am ready to come out to them."," Coming out to family members can cause a lot of anxiety. However,  although I cannot promise what their reaction will be, the benefit is that you will no longer have to hide who you are. Perhaps researching or getting information on biintercourseuality can help your family understand what it truly is to be biintercourseual. Many times,  people are just not educated on certain things.  " +"I've had posttraumatic stress disorder for years without my parents ever finding out. I want to overcome it, but it's so vivid, it's like it's happening again. I'm scared and paranoid. I have depression, which I have been struggling with since a young age."," Unfortunately, ptsd is not something that can be cured.  Ptsd can be managed through therapy.  Mindfulness can assist in redirecting thoughts and gaining further control over paranoia. Therapy is confidential and there are different ways you can obtain treatment.  Mental health professional have availability to provide therapy online,  on the phone or in person.  " +"I've had posttraumatic stress disorder for years without my parents ever finding out. I want to overcome it, but it's so vivid, it's like it's happening again. I'm scared and paranoid. I have depression, which I have been struggling with since a young age."," Post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a very complex issue.  It is the root cause of many other issues including depression, anxiety and anger to name a few.  Re-experiencing the event is a telltale symptom of PTSD.  One of the best things you can do for yourself is to find someone who specializes in this area to help you work through the symptoms associated with this disorder as well as directly addressing the event/events that initially caused the symptoms.  There are various treatment methods available to helping professionals that are successful in treating this disorder.  In the meantime there is a book called ""The Body Keeps the Score"", it is informative and may be helpful for you on your journey.  It is my hope that you are not dealing with this alone.   Best wishes! " +"My parents seem okay with other intercourseualities, but normally they only talk about being gay. When they do talk about biintercourseuality, they say things like “they'll do anything” or things that make me very uncomfortable because I am biintercourseual. I don't know if I am ready to come out to them."," Perhaps you are not ready to come out to your parents.  Often times our readiness is not dependent on what others' will say or how they react. But more so dependent on how emotionally prepared we are to deal with others' reactions.  It may be beneficial for you to play out each possible scenario and conclusion (eg. your parents being supportive vs. your parents being disappointed and so on). How are you prepared to deal with the outcome?  You may also seek help through counselors, support groups and/or individuals you know that have dealt with similar situations to help you prepare to discuss this with your parents.  All the best!  " +"I started dating my fiancé two years ago. My first cousin is married to my fiancé's sister. There has always been a communication issue between my uncle and aunt and my cousin and his wife. My uncle goes to my mom instead of talking to my cousin, and it upsets my mom."," Based on the information provided, this is an issue with boundaries.   Sounds like your uncle goes to your mom and possibly your mother takes the issues to you.  I do not like to assume so I will direct you to information regarding families dealing with enmeshment and triangulation.  Enmeshment is the concept of diffused boundaries in families and other personal relationships.  Triangulation is two individuals relaying information to a third party what cannot be said directly to each other.  From someone who has dealt with both these issues on a personal level, being informed about family dynamics is beneficial and can help you develop healthy boundaries for yourself within your family structure.  You may need assistance with developing healthy boundaries.  Although it is possible, it is not easy to change the way you have been operating for any extended amount of time.  Hope this help! " +"I have a problem with binge eating, especially during times of stress. I binge eat and feel so overwhelmed with shame and disappointment that I end up going to the gym and trying to exercise the calories off. I am in my late 20s, and I have been dealing with this since I was a teenager. Are there any coping mechanisms I can use to break this cycle?","The fact that you are aware of the issue and what causes it is a step in the right direction.  You can absolutely break the cycle but it takes a lot of effort.  Much like growing a physical muscle, developing coping mechanisms must be practiced (exercised) in order to gain strength.  Find healthy activities that you like to do that can help you deal with stress.  It appears that you are already going to the gym which is awesome; you want this to be a healthy experience not one done out of guilt.  Is it possible for you to incorporate food items that are healthy for you? Remember any changes you make must be practiced and developed over time.  You should seek professional help to assist you with getting to the root cause of your emotional connection to food. Normally these issues date back to childhood experiences however this is a generalization and I have little information to go on.  Above all else BE KIND TO YOURSELF! Shame is counterproductive. If you want something to grow you give it love and attention. Well wishes!!!!!! " +"I feel so irritated and frustrated because of it. I get so angry to the point that I feel like I'm going to explode. I feel pathetic, stupid, and worthless. I just can't take this anymore."," Yeah I get the same problem... Look I'm not a professional but I've heard a few things. a powernap can help. just a half hour of sleep can clear your mind and let you refocus. Also, brain activity increases with physical exertion. Just walk around for a minute and get your brain working and that'll help you reach the task at hand. Taking breaks it totally okay. Try to have something to do in between that you enjoy.  " +I don't know what to say. I have never really known who I am.," I'm having the same issue... I think you need to consider your morals and what you really want out of life. If there's something you want to achieve, that's who you are. And you need to put yourself into that and immerse yourself in the purpose of whatever you want. It doesn't matter how small it may seem. If there's nothing you want badly then think about other things. What others want or what you need or what others need. Find something that feels important and commit to it.  " +"I'm a Christian teenage girl, and I have lost my virginity. My boyfriend is a Christian teenager too, but things just got out of hand between us in a intercourseual manner. I planned to abstain from intercourse but I guess I wasn't clear about this because I was also tempted and led him on. We continued to have intercourse. Does it mean that he isn't the one God planned for me? We're so young, but that doesn't stop me from dreaming of a potential future together. I really do feel like he is in my life for an important reason. I'm incredibly happy for I was able to escape from several abusive relationships because of him. I love him very much."," I'm not a super religious person... But I can't imagine that if you love him that much and you want him that much, that he wouldn't be the one for you because of something small like that. intercourse is an act of love and commitment. If you feel that you want to be with this person for the rest of your life, want to marry them, then why should you have to wait until marriage? If you truly feel that this is the person you want to be with, then why would you need to wait until marriage if you're just showing commitment to each other?  " +"Sometimes I can't stop thinking about life after death. I was raised in a religion that teaches that we will live on forever either in hell or in heaven. +When I think of living forever (even if it is in heaven which should be good), I feel overwhelmed. I don't like the thought of living forever and ever and ever. Sometimes I just can't get the thought out of my mind and the thoughts lead to panic and anxiety. +Am I crazy? I don't think these thoughts are normal."," You need to find an outlet. Someone to talk to. Your dad or someone who loves your mother as well is someone ideal. But anyone could help. Just look to someone for help. If you can't find anyone who you think will listen, talk to your mom. It can help greatly just to get the words out. Tell her how you feel about her passing, but then also about everything else. Talk to her about your day. Tell her about happy things. I don't know if you're a religious person, or where you believe she is now, but no matter what you can talk to her. " +"I have a problem with binge eating, especially during times of stress. I binge eat and feel so overwhelmed with shame and disappointment that I end up going to the gym and trying to exercise the calories off. I am in my late 20s, and I have been dealing with this since I was a teenager. Are there any coping mechanisms I can use to break this cycle?"," I believe that for results that last, the best approach is to understand why someone feels like doing a certain behavior. ""Coping mechanisms"" are superficial instruction that people usually give up on when feeling extreme pressure from the problem behaviors. Take the slower road of understanding why you would deprive yourself of enjoying food. Also, if you consider the binging as a mistake of some kind, reflect on why doing something less than ideal, deserves harsh criticism and not tolerance and acceptance that people mess up occasionally. I'm glad you know that there are better ways of treating yourself.  This is a valuable awareness of realizing you deserve patience and respect, not humiliation and severe criticism when you are lost as to best ways of self-care. " +"I've had posttraumatic stress disorder for years without my parents ever finding out. I want to overcome it, but it's so vivid, it's like it's happening again. I'm scared and paranoid. I have depression, which I have been struggling with since a young age."," What is the reason you wouldn't want your parents to know you are trying to find your way through PTSD? Would they believe that you've been traumatized? And, do you feel that your parents had a hand in creating your trauma? There is no need to tell your parents you have PTSD unless you feel that doing so will help you.   Maybe you intuitively realize that they don't want to understand or know about this. How did you come to the conclusion that you have PTSD? If you are working with a therapist, and a minor, then  the laws of your State dictate what information your parents can ask your therapist about you. If you are a grown person and working with a therapist,  you have complete legally protected privacy of what you talk about with your therapist. In any case, a good starting point is to know exactly your own reason for wishing to keep your psychological situation hidden from your parents. " +"We've been together almost three years. We argue and he ends it by telling me he doesn't love me. It's hurtful because I am all about resolving the problem, and he dwells on the issue even if I drop what he's done and just swallow my pride and say I am sorry. How can this be resolved? We have kids, and I don't want a broken family because we can't communicate."," Try having a conversation with your boyfriend about your views and wishes for the relationship, when the two of you are having a calm time.   A few questions I'd like to ask him is why he says he doesn't love you when the topic at hand is about a specific practical matter. I'd also like to know what he hopes will happen from dwelling on a matter. And, why are you swallowing your pride?  Sooner or later this will come up on you in much bigger ways.  Instead, try to know your own wishes that you are either not stating or are being ignored by your boyfriend. The best way to resolve accumulated tensions is to slowly open the discussion between the two people. It is possible to stay together forever.  What you each need to realize, is the terms under which this would most likely take place. Sending lots of luck! " +"Me and the father of my child have been dating for a year. We had a big argument and at first he wanted to work it out. But with time he started asking others and they told him to leave me. +Now he wants me to wait on him to mature. He wants to talk to other people. Then come back in four years. He doesn't want to deal with me while I'm pregnant. He doesn't take me to the doctor or anything. I feel alone. How do I handle this situation?"," Well, as far as your boyfriend, sounds like he has received advice from others that is not wise advice.  Leaving is not the answer after a ""big argument"" as you mentioned.  However this is not surprising to me based on his possible age and maturity level.  Having a baby is a lifetime responsibility and there are very few who handle this or who realizes that it requires one to step their game up.  This is something that he has to realize and be encouraged by his parents or a mature adult to do.  Hopefully, someone who has better (wise) advice will talk to him and he will listen. As for you,  how do you handle this situation is your question....you do what you have to do to prepare for your baby, with or without him.  A lot can happen in four years and you don't have time, are not required, and can't wait to see what will happen with him.  You have a LIFE to prepare for,  to feed, to protect, and to love.  Can you tell your baby to wait; I don't want to deal with you now; I need to mature; I will be back to see you later; Hope you will be fine?  Nope!!!   As I always say, you are not alone because there is someone somewhere going through the same or similar thing.  Develop healthy friendships...whether with family, friends or new people who may enter your life.  Your support system will grow and life will go on...with or with him.  Stay focus on you and your baby... " +"Something happened this summer that I cannot forgive myself for. When I think about what happened, I feel ashamed and guilty even though my loved ones forgave me."," Realize that you are human, not perfect and will make the wrong decisions at times.   That is OK, we all have.  However, the best way is to say OK, I did it, learned from it, will not do that again.  EVER!!!  You can get pass it; grow from it.  Unfortunately, we forgive others faster than we do ourselves because we hold ourselves to higher standards or expected better behavior from ourselves.  It can be embarrassing, hurtful, almost unforgiving at times.  But how do you forgive yourself? Take a Deep Breathe..... and then acknowledge that you did something wrong, acknowledge it, and say to self,  ""I forgive me"".  Just like you would say to someone else.   This starts the process of forgiving. Also ask yourself these questions:   What lesson did I learn?  What would I have done differently?  What will be a trigger that will make me do that again, if I happened to be weak or tempted?  Avoid or prepare for those triggers....   Forgiving yourself will set you free from the prison you have put yourself in.  You would start back living.  " +"We've been together almost three years. We argue and he ends it by telling me he doesn't love me. It's hurtful because I am all about resolving the problem, and he dwells on the issue even if I drop what he's done and just swallow my pride and say I am sorry. How can this be resolved? We have kids, and I don't want a broken family because we can't communicate.","Communication involves a listener and a speaker.  Both have to be willing to do their part to make communication work.  This is something that takes both and not just one.  Without both, communication is impossible.   Staying together and the kids observing unhealthy communication is already broken.  Seek help to improve communication.    Couples' counseling would be helpful." +"I found out my boyfriend takes anti-depression medicine. Lately he's been saying he has a lot on his mind, and he needs time to think about us. We've only been dating 3 weeks but I like him a lot."," Give him the time and space he needs.  Obviously something is going on with him that he needs time to process, think about, and work through.  Respect that most men are not talkers but more thinkers.  If and when he is ready to talk, he will.  When and if he does talk, be a comforting listener and put yourself in his shoes the best you can to be the support he needs.  Don't take it personal because you just been dating 3 weeks and his depression maybe something that been going on for a while.  If you do like him...showing him by being patient and supportive at this time. " +"Whenever I have to speak in public or be in big crowds, I freak out. I get light-headed, sweaty, and I have trouble breathing."," As you do it more, it should get better or at less with less anxiety.  Anxiety is normal for most when speaking in public.  I hear this from even the best of facilitators who have been doing it for years.  I even experienced that when I first became a counselor and had to lead classes.  I asked myself why were I so anxious?  I admit at that time I didn't have confidence in myself.  The more I prepared and practiced, the more my confidence level increased.  Yours will too... " +"My coworkers are making false statements about me to the boss, saying I have mood swings. They have no proof to back it up. Can my employer make me see a therapist of their choice?"," If this is a concern of a few coworkers, make sure it is not something they see but you don't admit to.  Employers can ""suggest"" or something ""stipulate"" in continued employment with them  for you to go to their Employment Assistance Provider (EAP) if they have noticed the same behavior and concerned of how it is effecting productivity or employee relationships.  No one wants to work in a environment which they consider hostile.  Employers can be held responsible if they do not take action. Couple of things you can do... Ask a coworker in which you trust and respect if what others are saying is true? Seek professional help from your primary care provider or counselor if mood swings do exist.      " +"I am a teenage girl. I've been seeing the same dream once in a while since I was very young. The problem is that I don't remember anything about this dream. I still know that it's the same one, and then I wake up in a panic, and I cry really loud without knowing the reason. Why do I see the same dream, why can I not remember it, and what should I do to remember it?","There is no scientifically established formula for understanding dreams, that I know about, however, many people get a great deal of value from exploring what their dreams mean. It is believed by many that our dreams contain metaphors that represent meaningful patterns in our lives and relationships and if we pay attention to them we can learn important things about ourselves. One thing you might try, to see if you can get more insight into the dream and possibly begin remembering things, is to take note of whatever you do remember, any details about your experience, such as when do you wake up from the dream, how do you feel, both emotionally and physically, what are you thinking about when you wake up, is there any pattern in terms of what happens to you in your waking life around the time you have this dream... If you can keep a journal or a recording device to speak into by your bed, you can try to record whatever you do remember and notice as soon as you wake up. People seem to have more difficulty remembering dreams, the more time they let go by before attempting to record the dream, or if you go back to sleep before recording what you remember. " +My mom is always bossy and treats me like a child even though I'm in my 20s. She argues with me over stupid stuff.," This is a common issue. You grow up gradually, and parents often forget to shift their habitual responses according to your newfound level of maturity and growing need for freedom and independance. I'm all for helping you find new ways to cope and interact with your mom.  Ultimately, you only have control over yourself, so that's the place to start. You can remind yourself that Mom's behaviours don't mean that she doesn't trust you or love you; it's just that she has habitual ways of talking to you that seem stuck in the fourteen year old range. If you can see her responses as habits, rather than a reflection of how she feels about you, then you can keep yourself calm. The more calm you are, the more she will buy into it when you invite her into a different sort of relationship.  Take a look at the picture from her perspective. She may feel overwhelmed with finances (are you in college?), and feel burdened by the mundane tasks in life that she doesn't know how to recruit help for. I bet your mom spends a lot of time picking up after you, cleaning, cooking, doing laundry...all those thankless mom tasks. Take a look at how she talks to you... is she nagging about chores? Can you see that underneath the nagging there's a pretty overwhelmed and powerless person who needs assistance?  Okay, so my guess is that you both have a legitimate beef. She wants help. You want respect. Let's talk about how you get both. I propose that you sit down with mom and negotiate out a different sort of dynamic. ""Mom...I see us as stuck in how we interacted when I was fourteen. Can we do this differently in a way that we both get what we want?"" Sell it as ""win-win"". Then you write down some things that end up forming a contract.  The first part is stuff that's your business and your business alone: things you want your mom to respect, like your room, your school, your job, your personal relationships and hygiene.... Mom's voice has no place in these arenas, unless you are storing food in your room and it's a health hazard. This is a ""Mom says nothing about"" list.  The second part is about what Mom needs from you. What are her expectations about your role in the home as an adult. Does she want you to contribute to rent? Buy your own food? Do your own laundry? What items can we put in your control that would take some burden off of Mom? How will these things be enforced? What will happen if you don't follow through? Write it all down so it's really clear. It has to all be mutually agreed upon. The third part of the conversation is about how she talks to you, and how you talk to her. You can let her know that you don't want to be told what to do or when to do it; that doesn't work when you're 20 years old. Listen to what she wants too. Beyond the contract you've just written up, anything else you want from each other is a request, it's optional, and whether and when you do it is at your discretion. My guess is that if she spoke to you with more respect, you'd be more willing to help out. AND, I think if you participated a bit more she would nag at you less. Go for the win-win.  I wish you well as you negotiate a new relationship with Mom. :)   " +"I get so much anxiety, and I don't know why. I feel like I can't do anything by myself because I'm scared of the outcomes."," The other two post answers to your question are very good and I don't feel the need to repeat what has already been said quite well, but I will offer one other option I have been able to utilize quite successfully with those dealing with panic attacks.  Chain analysis is a fantastic way for your to map out the situation starting with the prompting event, the chain of events ((links) that lead up to the behavior - in this case a panic attack, and then what the consequences were.  See the illustration below: you are ready. When you feel that you have the emotional and personal support that you need to take the risk. Sometimes people can feel pressured to come out, but I encourage you to do it in your own time. The truth is, there is a spectrum of how people's parents react to this kind of news. On one end, you may have the parents who shut a person out and are abusive, and on the opposite side you may have parents that are totally okay with it and throw you a ""Coming Out"" party. Most parents are going to fall somewhere in the middle. It is important to remember that their feelings may change over time. Many parents struggle at first, but they love their kids and get better with it over time. If you decide to tell them, consider taking someone along to support you. Plan ahead on what you want to say. It can be an emotional time, so do what you need to do to take care of yourself. If you need to, leave. You don't have to stay anywhere where someone is being cruel to you. I wish you well, and good luck. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC " +"I have had a crush on this guy for years. I last talked to him a few years ago when we graduated from high school. We left off on a good note. Should I message him and see how he is doing, or is it too late?"," You'll only find out whether or not it is ""too late"", by following through with wanting to message him. Regardless of whether the response you receive is what you'd hoped to hear, including not hearing back from him, you will have done yourself a great honor and respect by following through on a wish and curiosity you've had for some time. " +"I'm having a quinceañera, and the girls don't like their dresses. They never told me, and now it's a week away. I don't know what to do."," How did you find out that the girls aren't happy with their dresses? Did you hear this directly from one of them or is this third hand information that someone else told you about one of the girls in your party? The answer matters because gossiping instead of directly telling you about a problem, is a problem in itself. I suggest a conversation with the entire group of girls in which you tell them how you actually are feeling about their opinions about the dresses. One topic you may consider bringing up is what everyone expects to get out of the party.  Are they coming because they like one another and wearing a dress in which the girl is happy, is only one way of having fun together? You may learn a great deal as to the difference in values about a quinceaña among you and your friends. I hope you'll have a fun party! " +"He isn't violent, but he has anger issues and deep insecurities. He's working on them and has improved. We started counseling, and he participated in one or two individual sessions, but we broke up again shortly thereafter. Now his constant questions and accusations are getting really draining."," From what you write, you're not too happy with how your boyfriend treats you and how he handles his own life. What keeps you feeling connected to him in positive ways? If you're truly not happy most of the time in this relationship, then you're at the time of asking why you'd want to remain in a relationship which is draining. " +"I feel like every time I do something someone asks me to, I never fully meet what they want. I feel that when I finish it, they always think that they should have picked someone else to do it. I feel like they just want nothing to do with me.", As long as you try to reach others expectations you will never feel satisfied or accepted.  How about setting your own expectations for self and strive for those.  Make sure your expectations are reachable and realistic. +"Last year, I just always felt hopeless. I don't have a great relationship with my sister. I lost my mother recently, and that really added to my sadness. My sister always brings up how I was never close to my mother."," Wow what a painful journey you have been in for a long time. Death and grief bring up so many painful reminders of relationships--what they could have been, never were, and what was lost. With death of a family member the family often falls apart for a while... or longer. I hope you can find some support for you and your pain that was occurring before your mom's passing. I also hope you can find someone to help you set boundaries with your sister so you can have your time (as long as you need) to heal from losing your mom and then later figure out how to interact with your sister. " +"It happens especially at me and my sister, and then she gets emotional and brings up the past. How should I deal with it? She is always stressed about her work and doesn't put her family first."," Anger is a normal emotion, and yet it is a really hard one... how much is too much? and how do you express it without damaging those around you? yes mom's get angry, sometimes too easy... but its their responsibility to manage their anger-- get their own support and put themselves in time outs when they cannot handle it well.  Since you are the kids, you shouldn't have to fix or calm down mom's anger. Maybe in a calmer time when you guys are being silly talk with her one on one? Tell her  you are feeling sad and hurt that she gets upset at you girls. Ask her if there is 1 thing you can work on this next month to help her. Ask her if she would work on 1 thing for you this month-- not yelling? taking a time out? telling you before she blows her top so you can exit the room? Also for you, check out a library book on anger so you know how to handle yours, and one on parents and anger. Number one to remember, if you don't feel safe, if she is calling you names, or hurting you, breaking things etc. make sure you go to a trusted adult--school counselor, neighbor, aunt, church friend as soon as possible. You are much too important to be hurt and if mom is out of control, someone else needs to be --caring for you. " +"I am in my mid 30s. I feel I have used only 5% of my potential. I am in film making, but everything is stuck. I've never had a serious relationship. I had worthless jobs. I do a lot of meditation to try to fix it."," Being stuck in life is difficult, especially when you are feeling it in many different areas of your life. So you if you are ready for a change... time to make one! Make a list of the resources in your area--community colleges, friends, free classes, volunteer opportunities etc. Make a list of your passions and absolute ""no way"" things in life. Make a 5 year plan... where do you want to be in 5 years... then start breaking it down ... what do I need to do this year to make it to next year. Break that down into months... check in with friends/families/co workers etc to see what they see in you both good and bad. Take a deep breath and choose 1 thing to work on to get better in life according to them. Seek out any free training/counseling on career changes and life changes. You already began this by asking this forum for help Awesome! Use the peace and calm you find in meditation to spring board you to make some changes in your behavior--try new things, change poor choices etc. Use the meditation to give you peace while you make the changes. Good Luck! " +"My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year. We go to different schools, and we don't see each other that often. I just feel very paranoid that there's someone else or that he could be hiding something from me.", Paranoid is a mental disorder word.  That is a strong word I think to use in this situation.  Honestly the bottom like is either you don't trust him for some reason or you are insecure with yourself.  Which is it?  Do some soul searching to help you figure which one it is.   Work on either discussing why you don't trust him and work on building that trust ....or why you feel you are not good enough and work on that. +i was addicted to porn since the second grade. I'm in my early 40s and overcame my addiction during my separation from my wife of 15 years., The person who can answer this question is the person you want to rebuild that trust with.  They are the only one who can tell you what it will take for them to trust you again.  What they tell you may seem hard or impossible but unfortunately that is what THEY need.  It is up to you if you feel and know you can provide what they request.  +"I have PTSD from childhood events and other traumas as an adult. I have panic attacks, nightmares, anger, and at times depression. I feel like I'm always on the edge or just apathetic. Can I fix this by myself?", I will not say that you can't but I will say it will be much harder and the time may take much longer.  Getting help and having someone to be there with you through the ups and down of PTSD makes the journey much easier.  +"My son claims that hes been having extremely violent thoughts and dreams. Not violent like he's hurting someone, but violent thoughts like horrible things happening to his loved ones. He explained one of his dreams the other day and it was so violent it was sickening. It was far beyond anything in a horror movie, he says he can't help these thoughts they just pop up. Please help!"," If your son is reporting ""extremely violent thoughts and dreams"" please have an psychological evaluation done by a psychiatrist now before it gets even worse for him to bare.  Don't take his reports lightly.  For him  to tell you, he knows that something is not right.  He is seeking and needing help.  Get it immediately.  Best to be safe than sorry. " +"My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year. We go to different schools, and we don't see each other that often. I just feel very paranoid that there's someone else or that he could be hiding something from me."," Have you spoken to him about your fears? Perhaps you can explain this feeling to him and let him know what might lead to feeling more secure.  Also, it is important to trust your intuition!  Perhaps there are good reasons to feel concerned. It may not be paranoia - it may be based in reality!   " +What should I do when we see each other?, I am so sorry this happened.  Sharing a part of your private life without your permission can be so painful.  I might suggest (depending on your relationship) reaching out to your sister and discussing this (or setting boundary that you don't want to discuss your private life).  I might also speak with your wife and share how hurt you are and what you need to happen moving forward to begin to heal.   +"I have been noticing myself really enjoying watching/reading about gay or lesbian couples. I've also been imagining what it might be like to date a girl, and I like the idea. I also find guys cute too. Does this make me biintercourseual?", Hello!  Thank you for your question.  Exploring your intercourseual orientation and attraction is a wonderful opportunity to get to know yourself!  I would be curious to know what feelings you might have related to the possibility of being bi; What messages you may have received related to this orientation and any concerns you have about possible intercourseual orientations.   +"I feel like I was born in the wrong body I feel like I should be a girl not a boy +Ever since I was young, I have wanted to be a girl. I felt like what I was wasn't me. I want to know what I can do about it. My family is against transgender people and don't want anything to do with them. I want to be “me.” I feel as if I'll be happy then. I don't look in mirrors, and I don't like my reflection. Recently, I have been taking things to help even though they were not prescribed. I know I should have this handled by a professional."," Hi. Do you have any opportunity to work with a therapist?  It sounds like it might be really great to explore these feelings. If you aren't able to, there are many awesome gender work books available that you could use to explore your thoughts and feelings. Also - google ""ask a gender therapist"" - so many amazing video blogs to answer many questions!  Good luck! " +"It happens especially at me and my sister, and then she gets emotional and brings up the past. How should I deal with it? She is always stressed about her work and doesn't put her family first."," You are very wise for a young person. You have already figured out that other people's behaviours...how they treat you...it's not about you...it's about them. I love that you don't blame yourself for your mom's behaviours. It's not your fault. She's getting upset because she doesn't know how to manage her emotions, and these emotions have to do with her past and her present stress. You're just the trigger. Yes, this is normal, but it's not necessary. She can find another way to manage her ""stuff"". Unfortunately, you can't help your mom a whole lot or even help her recognize this. But for yourself... remembering that her behaviours are her issue is the biggest piece of ""dealing with it"". You can always try some new strategies when you talk to mom...you can say ""I'll listen you better if you don't bring up past stuff"", or ""I'm worried about you mom. You seem stressed"", or even ""I don't like the way you talk to me"". Good luck! " +"I am currently suffering from erectile dysfunction and have tried Viagra, Cialis, etc. Nothing seemed to work. My girlfriend of 3 years is very intercourseually frustrated. I told her that it is okay for her to have intercourse with other men. Is that really okay?"," Hello, and thank you for your question. I completely agree with Dr. Zehner. Many couples are in open-type or polyamorous relationships where one or both partners engage in intercourseual relationships with others. The key thing about this is that it really does have to be something that both people are okay with. Now, as Dr. Zehner indicated, what may be okay today may not feel okay tomorrow, so good communication is essential. The truth is, even in polyamorous relationships where partners are in agreement, jealousy does sometimes happen. Here is a good article about polyamorous relationships and the issue of jealousy: http://everydayfeminism.com/2016/02/polyamorous-dealing-jealousy/ This site has many other articles about polyamory. If you type in ""polyamory"" in their search box, you will find some good information. I wish you well, Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC " +My grandma had a stroke and passed away recently. I lost my home and job. I'm looking but haven't found a job. I've been binge watching television and binge eating.," Hello! I write to respond to your recent inquiry for possible increase in self-esteem and positive behavioral change regarding motivation for a new job.  First of all, please try to allow yourself some time for grief of the loss of your dear grandmother. It appears you were close to her in many ways and she had a great influence in your life. The grief process of anger, denial, despair and acceptance may be a part of what is keeping you feeling ""stuck"" in a cycle of not feeling motivated to find work at this time.  Perhaps your mind is constantly fighting this grief? Death can be a ""traumatic"" experience for some people and is considered a great loss, thus the grief process may continue to be a part of your world for a time but hopefully not keep you ""stuck"" on a long-term basis.  I would try to reach out to a counselor to discuss this grief process at a deeper level to discern whether her death is part of why you feel this way.  Grief and loss can also have an effect on your self-esteem.  Can you begin to see how this cycle is what you may be experiencing?  One positive I see is that you are continuing to look for a new job!  Take time to give yourself some credit for the  time you are spending looking for work.  Also, I would recommend you set some short-term goals first for example, make a list of 5-10 potential new employers and send them each your resume. Then followup the next week with an email or phone call to make sure the hiring manager or human resources received your resume and have any questions.  It is also a good idea to ask for ""informational interviews"" in order to get your foot in the door, so to speak. I hope that this information is helpful to you!  Please let me know if you have any questions or concerns. Warmly, Denise " +"Me and my adult daughter just do not get along. She's very belittling to me when I don't agree with her. It's almost like she scolds me. We get into all out war. She's said I don't support her in what she does and that I've never loved her. She calls me horrible names, and she pushes my buttons to the point I call her names."," As frustrating and probably hurtful as your daughter's comments sound, there's also a message in them about how she genuinely feels. To some degree, your daughter and you may both feel similarly misunderstood by the other. Developing ways of listening and talking to one another to better understand how you each feel, would probably help a lot. One major point to be aware, is that the mother/daughter relationship dynamic, because it is strong, may slow the new dynamic of relating as two adults. Watch for your own tendency to expect your daughter to consider you as a parenting authority, instead of considering her as a grown person. The same is true of your daughter.  She may need to remind herself to talk to you as the adult she is. Her needs from you are real, they just need to be spoken to you in an adult way. " +"I have been dealing with depression and anxiety for a number of years. I have been on medication, but lately my depression has felt worse. Can counseling help?"," From whom do you get anti-depressants? This person should be talking with you to know whether the pills are helping or not. Trust your own instinct that the pills aren't helping you. Pills work differently for everyone and not all people feel better from them. It is also possible the particular pills have lost their effectiveness because after around six to eight months, this usually happens. Try to understand what is depressing you.  This is slow work since you may have many theories. Just by addressing your own emotional needs and life structure in a caring and respectful way, may improve your mood so that you'll feel less depressed. " +"I terminated my counseling relationship with a social worker several years ago. I am now realizing that I would like to begin counseling again. The social worker's voicemail message says that he returns calls in 24 hours, but he hasn't called me back. I called him on the weekend and made it clear that I want him to call me back. Can he just ignore me?"," Yes, your former social worker should return your phone call. It is the professional ethic to do so and plain human decency to do so. If he doesn't, there is nothing you can directly do about the fact of his ignoring you. There are formal complaints you can make, which you can consider doing. What matters most is receiving social work service. Stick with looking for another social worker who is willing to help you. The self-doubts you mention may be worth examining. They do not, however excuse the social worker mishandling himself. " +"How do I ever trust another woman? I have found myself constantly reading between the lines with every other woman that I meet. I am having a difficult time making any sort of connection to anyone because of her deception and willingness to say and do literally anything in order to control my emotions. +Once the ""relationship"" was over, she became extremely abusive and has attempted to intimidate me into silence regarding the many false claims made on her immigration application."," I'm sorry to hear about that situation. If the woman was your therapist (or had been at one time), this could represent a significant ethical violation when she created a dual relationship with you. Even if you were not her client, this might still be an ethical violation. Counselors are held to a high standard of conduct and honesty at all times. In a situation like this you might consider filing a complaint with the state regulatory board. " +"When my boyfriend gets in a snit, he gives me the silent treatment for days. When I ask what is wrong, I get nothing: no reply, no phone call. If he does reply, it is something very sarcastic and hurtful. He never admits he is wrong and never apologizes."," You are in an abusive relationship-not because of your boyfriend's silences but because he is comfortable being sarcastic and hurtful, never admits he is wrong and never apologizes. It is your choice to participate in an abusive relationship. You can not stop an abusive partner from being abusive no matter how wonderfully you treat your partner. You can either accept the terrible relationship as it is or reach out for the support that you need to leave the abusive relationship. I wish you well, always. " +"I was the one who ended it, and I'm so glad I did. It was the best decision I made in my life. But how do I stop the nightmares and flashbacks? It is creating a wall in my current relationship."," Your challenge is called ""co-dependency."" People seek approval from others in an obsessive way when they are failing to truly accept themselves. I encourage you to truly love yourself and know that you have every right to every sensation, emotion, thought, and inspiration that you may have. Best of luck on your journey. " +"I'm a guy. If I don't like girls, nor do I like guys, does that mean I'm gay?"," No, it does not necessarily.  Your intercourseual preference is based on who you ARE attracted to, not what does not turn you on.  If you find you have no intercourse drive at all, this is called aintercourseual.  But you did not mention what you do find arrousing either.  Hope this helps. " +"I'm fine when we start becoming intimate, but out of nowhere, I will get a flashback of what happened to me in the past. I start hysterically crying and freaking out when my boyfriend obviously has done nothing to hurt me.","Have you sought the support of a therapist really qualified in working through intercourseual trauma? It can take some work, but healing is possible. If you feel able to, it may also help to open a dialogue with your boyfriend about what you need from him when you have these flashbacks. Let him know what some helpful responses may be. " +I blame my past relationship for it. I know it is bad to be this way. I want to get past it.," We humans are social beings. We learn how to BE in relationship as children. The caregiving you received (or didn't receive) set the stage for how you show up in all your adult relationships. Insecurity in relationships often has much to do with feeling unheard or unseen, perhaps feeling like you don't matter. There are many ways to rewire these relational patterns, the first step of which is taking pause and noticing that you are feeling insecure - so congrats on that because clearly you are already there!  Next I'd suggest finding a relationship therapist to help you sort through your insecurities, either as a couple or individually.  " +"I was the one who ended it, and I'm so glad I did. It was the best decision I made in my life. But how do I stop the nightmares and flashbacks? It is creating a wall in my current relationship."," From what you describe about yourself, I agree with you that ending your former relationship was a very wise decision. The nightmares and flashbacks show that you were deeply affected emotionally and on the foundations of your basic nature. The way for these to stop is by the slow process of realizing how badly injured and frightened you were of your former partner. Once you've stabilized yourself by accepting the tremendous harshness that was part of the former relationship, then the nightmares and flashbacks will disappear gradually usually, maybe all at once. There is a possibility too that your former relationship connected with being emotionally ignored, abandoned, treated harshly during your time of growing up years. Since generally people choose partners who relate similarly to the ways in which they felt treated by parents, it is possible that you had been badly treated while growing up and weren't aware of this until going through this terrible relationship. Congratulations on ending your relationship! " +I blame my past relationship for it. I know it is bad to be this way. I want to get past it.," How did you come to the conclusion that you are acting needy? Is this what your partner told you or are you feeling this way about yourself? The difference is that what you'd like from a relationship may be very reasonable, only that your partner is not someone who wants to meet your needs. One way of evaluating whether you're actually needy is whether you feel that you give yourself love, take good care of yourself when you're in situations that are not connected to being part of a couple. If being by yourself feels uneasy most of the time, then probably practicing self-love, consciously treating yourself with consideration and thoughtfulness, may help you feel less needy of others. This way, when you're with a partner, the time together will be in enjoying the partner, not getting love because of not figuring out a way of giving love to yourself. " +"I have been dealing with depression and anxiety for a number of years. I have been on medication, but lately my depression has felt worse. Can counseling help?"," Certainly counselling can help. however, there is a caveat, namely, you will need the right counsellor with the right approach. This leads to two questions: 1) What are the identifiers for the right counsellor, and 2) What is the right approach? 1) What are the identifiers for the right counsellor? The right counsellor will almost certainly have a lot of experience. He or she will have done a lot personal work and have an ongoing practice of inner work both on their own and with the support of an experienced therapist. This person will be viewing you as a human being with challenges, not as a diagnostic category. He or she will be willing to work with you over an extended period of time and have experience doing such work. Further they will be well versed in approaches that are responsive to you in the moment and overall. The in-depth work will be collaborativel designed in an ongoing way that is responsive to you, the moment, your overall life experience, and their in-the-moment experience. It goes without saying that you will subjectively evaluate the felt sense of connection with this person and the feeling that they are invested in their work with you, value you as a human being, and value the connection. As well, it is crucial that you feel this connection and that your therapist 'gets you.' 2) What is the right approach?  As Carl Jung stated, ""When the doctor sits down with the patient he (or +she) must drop all theories and learn the theory of this person."" The approach must include a bond between you and your therapist that is in a continuous process of development, attention to pre-verbal imprinting, development of awareness ability, ongoing development of the ability to attend to and stay with inner experience, development of a process orientation, attention to egoic structures that were seeded from the earliest days in the service of perceptions of threats to needs being met, identification of current egoic states and work with these inner selves and their relationship with each other to facilitate movement from developmental points of arrest, increased ability to access and contain non-ordinary states of consciousness, attending to what is, and working with this in the service of moving towards optimal human development. depression is generally experienced as the system shutting down. anxiety is a signal that something is wrong. anxiety is not the problem. it is a sign that there is a problem. the core of these issues is a lack of inner security that is the outcome of insufficient bonding. the work of psychotherapy is to establish an environment and relationship that will facilitate work with the bonding ruptures and re-initiation of the developmental process that stopped at an early stage. " +"I have PTSD from childhood events and other traumas as an adult. I have panic attacks, nightmares, anger, and at times depression. I feel like I'm always on the edge or just apathetic. Can I fix this by myself?"," When it comes to trauma, especially in the event that it has caused you to develop PTSD, there can be a lot of difficulty in attempting to resolve these issues on your own simply because of how strong your urge to avoid it whenever thoughts of the traumatic experience come up. PTSD is best treated with the help of a mental health professional and if using the Cognitive Processing Approach can be treated in as few as 17 weeks. As for your other concerns, many of these can be treated independently if you have the motivation to manage your way through. Panic attacks and depression, specifically, often respond well to self-help treatment manuals. The Centre for Clinical Interventions is a great online resource for workbooks to help you learn to manage the depression and panic attacks. Whether you decide to work through these concerns on your own or in professional therapy, just know that your panic attacks must be managed prior to addressing your trauma. Hope this is helpful and if you have any other questions don't hesitate to ask. " +"I have been dealing with depression and anxiety for a number of years. I have been on medication, but lately my depression has felt worse. Can counseling help?", My initial response:  consider a more comprehensive MH assessment to determine other factors. A medical evaluation is warranted to rule out poor health issues. Blood work is helpful. Review what hadn't helped.  +"I was the one who ended it, and I'm so glad I did. It was the best decision I made in my life. But how do I stop the nightmares and flashbacks? It is creating a wall in my current relationship."," Ending an abusive relationship is often very difficult, especially if you were very close initially without the presence of abuse.  If the abuse included verbal or psychological condemnation, you will often have a negative self-image that you may ""know"" is not true but often feels very true. This negative self-image and fear of being abused again can activate protections in you that were needed at the time you were abused but now create a ""wall"" in your current relationship.  The fact that you were able to end the relationship and know that you made the right decision is a great acknowledgement that you have solid internal resources to draw upon in healing from the abuse.  Good for you! Nightmares and flashbacks are a strong sign of memories, including associated beliefs, emotions, and physical sensations, that have remained unprocessed and therefore unhealed.  There are likely reminders (called triggers) of the past abuse that are being activated in your current relationship that are allowing these unhealed memories to come to the surface and affect both your sleep and your waking experiences.  This is certainly not something you are purposefully doing but is the result of what happened to you.  However, you likely feel as if you are not in control.     The goal is protect your current relationship, evaluate your self-image for flaws in beliefs and feelings, and begin working on healing your memories of abuse. In many cases, my use of EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) would be helpful in reducing the emotional strength of your abuse memories, reduce or eliminate triggers, bring healing, and allow you to enjoy being in the present with your current relationship.  I would recommend discussing with your current partner your harmful past experiences, your decision to pursue counseling, and your strong desire to be healthy for your current relationship.  With a good support network in place, healing is very possible. " +"My mother and I have an okay relationship. I know she loves me unconditionally, and I love her the same. However, more times than not, I'm afraid to tell her anything personal because she either doesn't listen, she turns it around and makes everything about her, or she ignores things - even when they are about my mental health."," Could you tell her ?  What would happen if you said ""Mom, I love you and I really want to share myself with you, but often I you get upset and I don't want that to happen. I really want to be able to talk to you.""   " +"I'm a guy. If I don't like girls, nor do I like guys, does that mean I'm gay?"," It doesn't sound like you are finding yourself attracted to anyone.  It could mean that you just haven't connected with anyone you find attractive, or that you are aintercourseual - essentially not oriented toward anyone.  I would suggest doing some reading on aintercourseuality and see if it connects to how you feel! " +"I was the one who ended it, and I'm so glad I did. It was the best decision I made in my life. But how do I stop the nightmares and flashbacks? It is creating a wall in my current relationship.", EMDR therapy has shown great results for work with PTSD symptoms which are similar to what you described. If you are unable to find a local EMDR specialist then I would suggest some meditation and journaling in addition to talk therapy to process your trauma. Your anxiety response centers int he brain are in hyper vigilance mode and retraining to turn down that response could be helpful for you.  +I have been having a lot of nightmares where I am being killed in different ways. I either wake up in a panic or just crying and sweating. It has made me terrified of falling asleep and is now affecting my daily life too. Can I make the nightmares stop?," Hello, and thank you for your question. Sleep problems, including insomnia and even the nightmares that you are writing about, are really common for people and so many people suffer from them. Here are a few things to consider or to try: 1. Have you changed or started taking any new medication lately? Medications can certainly affect your sleep and some can even cause vivid or frightening dreams. If you are taking a new medication, talk to your provider about the nightmares, this may be the cause. 2. Stress can certainly increase our difficulty with sleep and can also begin to affect our dream states. The dreams may not make much sense, but then again even good dreams don't always make much sense. Ask yourself, do I have any new or renewed stressors in my life? Work, school, relationships, health.... all of these areas and many more are places where stress can hide out. If this is the case, talk with your provider or consider seeing a counselor who may be able to help. 3. Something to consider is that once we start to have anxiety or stress about something, we can begin to obsess about it. My guess is that going to bed for sleep is no longer a pleasant thing for you. Your stress and fear of what may happen when you sleep could start way before you actually go to bed. This could increase your chances of having another bad dream. Try relaxation techniques before going to bed. If you have YouTube, you can pull up ""Guided Meditation for Sleep"" exercises to help you relax. There are many different ones to choose from. You may also want to try deep breathing. 4. There are self-help ideas for managing bad nightmares. If you Google search ""Nightmare Rescripting"" or ""Nightmare Exposure"" you may find some ideas and instructions on how to manage dreams. I hope these ideas help. Be well... Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC " +"I am a survivor of domestic violence from a past relationship. Even after seven years, I still have horrible nightmares. I wake up in sweat, and the dreams feel so real."," Hello, and thank you for your question. First things first, I am so glad that you are alive and very sorry that you had to endure such a terrible experience. Now, let's talk about these nightmares. The first thing I want to tell you is that you are NOT losing your mind. Many people start to think that may be the case if they are still suffering from the affects of something that happened a long time ago. That's not the case. There is no time set time for which we should be ""over"" something like this. I am not sure if you received counseling after what happened to you, but that may be something to consider. Bad nightmares could be the sign of something like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), which would include other symptoms like being startled easily, re-experiencing the event, or avoiding places that remind you of it. There are other symptoms, as well, so if you believe this may be something you have you may want to seek counseling. There are good treatments for PTSD. If you cannot seek counseling at this time, there are some things you can do to try to manage the dreams on your own. I would encourage you to look up ""sleepy hygiene"" and try to make your bedtime rituals as relaxing as possible. You can also Google search ""Nightmare re-scripting"" or ""Nightmare Exposure"" and get some ideas on how you may be able to change your dreams. It may be a good idea to attend a domestic violence support group and get ideas from other survivors who no doubt have had sleep problems related to their experiences, too. Hope this was helpful. Be well. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC " +"I am a survivor of domestic violence from a past relationship. Even after seven years, I still have horrible nightmares. I wake up in sweat, and the dreams feel so real."," Nightmare are actually very common for survivors of domestic violence. If they are affecting you the the point where you feel like you need to do something, you may want to consider processing your memories of the events with a trained trauma therapist. Another good option, may be to attend a support group for survivors where you could process your memories in a safe space where others will be able to provide support and understanding for what you went through as well as encouragement for the strength it took you to get out of that relationship. You may also want to consider completing a screening or assessment to rule out post-traumatic stress disorder as well. " +"I feel angry, anxious, and depressed. The PTSD I suffer is from a past relationship.","If the symptoms are to the extent that they are affecting your ability to function, you may want to consider seeking treatment. PTSD, anxiety, and depression all typically respond well to treatment if provided by a trained clinician. Common types of treatment for PTSD that you may want to look into include Cognitive Processing Therapy or EMDR. The nice things about Cognitive Processing Therapy is that it is time limited and only lasts 17 sessions typically. " +I recently lost a friend to suicide. I'm smoking marijuana and drinking more to cope with it. How can I handle this better?," First of all, I am very sorry for your loss, and I can understand the urge to drink and smoke to try and cope. As I'm sure you understand, alcohol and marijuana may take the edge off of the pain in the short run, but in the long run they may prevent you from being able to work through the thoughts and feelings that you have about the loss of your friend. Grieving is a process that is unique to each individual and each relationship that may involve difficult, confusing, and even contradictory seeming thoughts and feelings and a competent therapist can help you work through this process. It also may be useful for you to add other ways of coping, such as taking care of yourself through exercise, doing healthy activities that you love, and spending time with people that you love. Self care is often most difficult when we need it the most. Thank you for reaching out. " +I recently lost a friend to suicide. I'm smoking marijuana and drinking more to cope with it. How can I handle this better?," I'm so sorry to hear about your recent loss.  There is such a large feeling of uncertainty that befalls those of us left to sort through these emotions of such a loss, and it's never easy.   I think it's important to remember that there is no ""right"" or ""wrong"" way to deal with loss and the ""best way"" for you may not be the best way for someone else.  The fact that you are aware that you are smoking more marijuana and drinking more, and the fact that you can recognize that these may not be the best coping techniques, is a very good step towards giving yourself some better support at this time.  Marijuana and drinking are type of coping techniques that can numb us to our emotions, but they do not really help us to work through those emotions.  When it comes to grief, often one of the most helpful ways to move through the phases of grief is to use your social supports; talk to your friends and family, see your mutual friends and commiserate with each other on the loss and the uncertainty.  The more we talk about our feelings, the more we are okay with them being ours. The more we express our loss, the better we become at accepting such a loss. In talking with your supports, you may also decide ways in which you may want to remember your friend; ways you can do so on a personal level (writing a poem, planting a tree, etc.) or ways you as a group can remember and memorialize them (a special day where you get together to share your memories, starting a charity, etc.)  We never truly ""get over"" our losses, but we can learnt o accept the losses and what it means to us now...but that also takes time.  " +I recently lost a friend to suicide. I'm smoking marijuana and drinking more to cope with it. How can I handle this better?," Let me begin by offering my condolences for your loss. I can understand how difficult this time maybe for you especially if you have several unanswered the questions due to the circumstances surrounding the death of your friend.  It's during this time, that you may experience the various stages of grief. This includes denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. In the bereavement process, there is so specific time frame or lengths of time for someone to work through each step. Its imperative to note  that one may express each stage with different levels of intensity. Also, the five stages do not necessarily occur in any specific order. We often move between stages before achieving a more peaceful acceptance of death. Just note that everyone greives differently, some internalize their feelings and emotions, others express it externally, while other avoid it all together. Coping with loss is ultimately a deeply personal and singular experience. Sometimes we feel that no one understands what we are feeling or going through, much less comprehend our emotional state of mind . What's important, is that you allow others to comfort you through the various stages. My recommendation is to allow yourself to go through the emotions and feel the grief. Avoiding or resisting may only delay the healing process. Reaching the acceptance stage of mourning is a gift not not everyone is awarded, but seeking the help of a Grief counselor may assist in deciphering your emotions and set you on a more positive path to achieve closer. " +"It's been like a couple of years that I've been feeling like this. I don't want to self-diagnose, but I get so sad and cry and then I feel better. But then I get upset with people so quickly, and I hurt their feelings. It's this constant rollercoaster, and it's hard."," Hello, and thank you for your question. Bipolar disorder is generally characterized by extreme changes in mood, ranging from mania (highs) to depression (lows). There are different types; however, so here is a website that gives you a list of symptoms for mania and depression in bipolar disorder: http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/bipolar-disorder-manic-depression?page=2 After reviewing these symptoms, if you believe you may have bipolar disorder, then you may want to see your primary care provider or a counselor. Bipolar disorder is treatable, but for many people it requires the right medication and sometimes counseling to help people make behavior changes that are important for bipolar management. For example, some people may not get regular sleep, but proper rest is important for bipolar management. A counselor may talk to you about this and other lifestyle changes that you may need to make.  The good news is that many people live happy, healthy, and productive lives with bipolar disorder. So, if it turns out that you do have bipolar disorder, it doesn't mean that things can't get better. There is currently no ""cure"" for bipolar disorder, but with proper medication and lifestyle management, people can do quite well. Hope this was helpful. Be well. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC " +I recently lost a friend to suicide. I'm smoking marijuana and drinking more to cope with it. How can I handle this better?," Suicide is a very traumatic loss and affects survivors significantly. Everyone deals with their grief in different ways. One way I recommend to deal with the loss of a loved one is to write letters to them. Some people like to keep the letters in a jar, maybe fill the jar with sand so the letters are buried. I recommend writing the letters as often as you need to. You will notice over time the need to write the letters will decrease and the intense feelings of loss will decrease. I also recommend finding a survivors support group in your area. You can find more information on www.afsp.org. " +Is this something I should be worried about? Should I do something about it?," I recommend asking your son about the reasons he chooses to play alone at recess. If he is happy on his own and you know he has some friends, I would not be very concerned. However, there may be bullying going on at school. In the case of bullying, it may be a situation where you as his parent will need to step in. " +"I'm transgender, I know I am, but I've only told a few friends. I know I can't tell my family because of previous conversations we've had. They just wouldn't accept it. +My gender dysphoria is getting really difficult to deal with on my own. I need some strategies for dealing with it. What should I do?"," Hello, and thank you for your question. I am so glad that you reached out for help. I know that the dysphoria can feel nearly impossible to handle, especially since you have limited support from people who accept who you are. You may already know some of these resources, but I am going to share a few. 1. The website www.letsqueerthingsup.com is a blog from a very good writer that I know. His name is Sam Dylan Finch, and he is transgender. He writes about mental health, transgender issues, and many other topics. I know he has frequently written about gender dysphoria and ways to manage it. You may want to check out his site and do a search on there. 2. The website www.everydayfeminism.com employs many transgender writers and several have written about gender dysphoria and have given ideas for managing it. If you search for gender dysphoria on their site, many articles pop up. It may be a good resource for you, especially if you ever feel lonely and start to forget that there are others out there who are like you and have your back. 3. I am not sure where you live, but there are counselors who specialize in affirmative therapy, which is what is recommended for folks who are part of the LGBTQ community. So, if you decide to see a counselor about the dysphoria, try to find one that specifically says they have been trained in the affirmative approach. In addition, feel free to ask questions of the counselor before agreeing to see them for counseling. An ethical counselor would have no problem answering them before having you come in. 4. If there are some LGBTQ resource centers in your area, try to reach out to them and see if there are support groups. Gaining more support from others would be helpful. Sometimes LGBTQ-friendly counselors leave their contact information for people in resource centers. 5. Finally, I know you have not mentioned being depressed or suicidal, but I also know that it is very common for people to consider suicide when they are struggling with dysphoria, dealing with transphobia, etc. If this ever happens to you, please call 911 or the Trans Lifeline. It's free at 877-565-8860. Visit their site at www.translifeline.org. I hope some of these ideas help. Feel free to send another message if you have a follow-up question. Be well....be YOU. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC " +"I'm transgender, I know I am, but I've only told a few friends. I know I can't tell my family because of previous conversations we've had. They just wouldn't accept it. +My gender dysphoria is getting really difficult to deal with on my own. I need some strategies for dealing with it. What should I do?"," Hi. It can be difficult to handle such a transition on your own. I work with clients to understand their needs and wants. This can involve how to communicate effectively with friends, family, and other loved ones; or, learning how to have self-acceptance. I strongly recommend speaking with a licensed clinician one on one to help facilitate the change you are looking for.  " +I feel really uncomfortable when I have people's attention. It makes me not want to talk in public or answer questions in class. Can I get over this social anxiety?," you can learn lots of skills/techniques to feel more confident in what you need to do that will decrease your anxious response for sure! :) And  you can also learn how to work with your personality that may not like the attention. You may find that ""talking"" to others through the internet is more comfortable and you are great at it, or that you love one on one talking but aren't really made for group talking. There is a place in this world for you either way! Public speaking skills can be practiced in speech class, or toastmaster group, they will give you practice in a safe environment where the cool kids or cutest boy aren't ready to laugh at you.  What topics are you interested in and what groups can you do a little speaking up? Maybe in your small group at church try and raise you hand to share your opinion, or maybe your Girl Scout troop? Look around for a peer and one adult who you like to hear speak out, ask them to share with you 2 things that help them feel comfortable speaking in public. Check out some Ted Talks and see how they share in groups. Social anxiety is a difficult concern and picking apart what is your awesome personality and what needs skill building and mindfulness/anxiety  help are important steps. Good luck! " +I recently lost a friend to suicide. I'm smoking marijuana and drinking more to cope with it. How can I handle this better?," Suicide is not a natural way to pass from this Earth, so many times it can be EXTREMELY tough to deal with because of the ""unnatural-ness"" of the event. We may find ourselves feeling guilty that we did not see it or that we could've have done more or something to stop it, but often the fish in the fishbowl cannot see that which is closest to him. You are currently trying to numb your feelings, those feelings as nasty as they are, are meant to be felt, those feelings help us to process the event and also help us to pass through the situation. Your friend has a legacy, remember it, and honor that legacy everyday in some small or even grand way, perhaps committing or volunteering your time to help others in honor of your friend. Hope this helps, C " +"I started having anxiety three months ago. I'm new to having anxiety, and it's making me depressed."," As a past sufferer of anxiety myself, I have learned that it is a natural part of life, it is a natural part of us, the longer we try to run from it the more it entangles us in its clutches, if we deny certain parts of ourselves we will become depressed or even oppressed, the only way to deal with anxiety is to embrace it and accept it, and in fighting the fight without fighting we will eventually win, I would encourage you to look into Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, your answer I think lies in that area of research. Hope this helps, C " +"There are intimate things she did early in the relationship, and things she had once agreed to try that she will not do now. I end up thinking about it all day. I feel rejected and think I married the wrong person."," I'd say you're letting fear get a hold on you! You would really enjoy some intercourseual activities that your wife hasn't initiated in a long while, but it's a big leap to go from that to ""I married the wrong person"". Fear is telling you that she doesn't respect or like or want you? Look at the bigger picture. What is the evidence that your wife wants to please you?...that she is the ""right"" woman for you?...that she loves you?...that she cares about what's important to you?  If there is evidence there, then you owe it to the marriage to rein in your fearful thoughts. Talking to your wife is so important right now. We all have moments when we really just want to sit and stew in our self pity over our partner not vacuuming or cooking or saying loving things often enough...but they can't read our minds! Can you lovingly let her know what you miss? ...what you hope for?...what you need? This is the meat of a loving relationship. Sharing who we are, so that we can love each other better.  Your wife deserves the benefit of the doubt that she'll listen to what you long for. Can you risk feeling vulnerable? You can't control her answer, but can you trust her to care? " +I hate everything I see in the mirror. I don't like being in pictures and always scribble out my face. It's stressing me out. I don't trust my parents enough to tell them and I don't know what to do.," This is so very common in this crazy looks-obsessed world! I meet so many beautiful people who can't see their beauty. Is there something getting in the way for you? Was there a time in your life when people teased you or told you something hurtful, or did something to you that made you feel ugly? If so, this can be addressed first. Sometimes stories are told about us when we're young and the best thing we can do is see the author's evil or careless intent and not take that on. A therapist can help you with this part. Once you've addressed any past barriers to feeling confident, you can focus on a few simple things. First, your thoughts. If you keep telling yourself that you don't like what you see, then you will never feel okay about your looks. Experiment with telling yourself something different. Look in the mirror and I dare you to find something that's lovely about your face. Focus on that. Describe what you see? If you were your own best friend, what would you say about your face? Eliminating those negative scripts and building new positive ones will help you feel more accepting of how you look. You can't change your face, but you can change your attitude towards your face. Confidence is the things that will make you beautiful! Accepting how you look is important. Without going to plastic surgery (the popularity of which is a testimony to how nuts this whole thing has become), you were born with that nose, those eyes, those lips. Accepting yourself and knowing it won't change is a good idea, because wishing it were different won't make it so! Looking good is also about minimizing flaws and building on your assets. Are you in a rut about hairstyle or makeup? Ask a good friend to give you a make-over. Play with your features and wardrobe. There are plenty of average looking people who know how to make themselves shine because they are creative!  " +"I spent my whole life taking care of my dad, but left because of his verbally abusive behavior. I was the only one that helped with his health issues. I feel if I hadn't left he might still be alive. I need help dealing with my grief and guilty conscience."," I see such a sharp contrast between your question and your first sentence. Do you see it? ""I feel guilty about my father's death"", and ""I spent my WHOLE LIFE taking care of my dad."" Wow. After everyone else had left him to his misery, you hung in there. He is so lucky to have had you there. You didn't have to do that.  I have a hunch that your dad blamed you for a lot of things. Abusive people do that a lot; they make you believe things are your fault when they're not. You did the opposite of what you fear you did. You didn't contribute to your dad's death; your selfless care gave him a longer life...better health. In the end, no one's love and care could save him.  No one could fault you for deciding you had had enough at some point. I would never expect anyone to keep putting themselves in a hurting place over and over again. But this is what you did. You did it for him, and you did it so you wouldn't feel guilty. But you feel guilty anyway, right?...so putting yourself in that position was only worth it if you allow your loving acts to melt away the guilt. Can you tell yourself ""It's okay that I had to take care of myself too.""... ""I gave up a lot for my dad; I have nothing to feel guilty about"". Putting yourself last for your dad was a loving thing to do. And... my hope is that you can also find different ways to help yourself feel ""good enough"" in this world, and a balance between caring for others and caring for yourself.  :) " +I recently lost a friend to suicide. I'm smoking marijuana and drinking more to cope with it. How can I handle this better?," I urge you to seek some therapeutic help for this, and also to connect with others who knew your friend, because they're likely feeling the same way. Suicide is difficult to understand, and those left behind have many mixed emotions that make their grief complicated and anguished. Your friend either had an impulse that no one could stop, or they made a big decision that impacted everyone around them. There are other things you can do to cope with this, and it has to do with accepting your powerlessness to stop it, not blaming yourself, forgiving your friend, and finding meaning in their life and yours. You won't find that meaning in a bottle or a joint. I hope you reach out soon. :) " +"I always feel the need to impress people, whether it's my family, the people at school, or just random people. I know that no matter what I do or how I change, there will always be some people who hate me. Why do I feel this way?"," My first reaction to this is that It sounds like you rely alot on the impressions and projections of the outside world, that you need validation from other people to compensate for a lack of something on the inside, build yourself up on the inside, work on yourself, use positive affirmations daily, it would be wise for you to research some self-construct theory and do some self-concept work. Hope this helps, C " +"I started having anxiety three months ago. I'm new to having anxiety, and it's making me depressed."," I agree with Cory. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) does seem to help a lot of people who struggle with anxiety. It's not the only type of therapy that can help, but it seems to help people in a way that is more natural and realistic. As Cory mentioned, anxiety is something that is part of life, so therapies that indicate we can get rid of it are questionable. Our natural inclination when we have anxiety is to STOP any and all things that may cause it or provoke it. We do this because we think it will help, but it actually doesn't. Anxiety usually has us rehashing the past or rehearsing the future while ignoring the present. ACT helps folks who have those kinds of tendencies. Be well.. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC " +Is this something I should be worried about? Should I do something about it?," The answer depends on how the other areas of your son's life are doing. Is he happy or does he seem happy, playing alone during recess? Does he have friends in other social circles besides the students whom he's with at recess? How is his academic progress? How is his social integration among his classmates? Are there any special or unusual circumstances in the home and family environment? Go through this list to form a fuller idea of whether your son simply likes alone time and takes this option during recess, or if any if the above areas show stress or difficulty for him and which need to be further understood and handled. " +Is this something I should be worried about? Should I do something about it?," Humans are social creatures so this can be an alarming thing for a parent to deal with, just like adults children are not the same and some children are more social than others, if he plays alone at recess (all the time) it would worry myself as well, however recess is only one domain of life, does he have friends outside of school or daycare? Does he socialize in other situations or is it just at recess where this occurs? If this is a global problem occurring at other social times it may be indicative of something deeper going on, if perhaps it is occurring ""just during recess"" it could be something else altogether. I would request reports from all teachers and caregivers concerning socialization and make a choice on whether or not to evaluate further. Hope this helps, C " +I feel really uncomfortable when I have people's attention. It makes me not want to talk in public or answer questions in class. Can I get over this social anxiety?," Since anxiety usually about anticipating a bad result, or fear of being judged negatively, as though having failed some sort of test, consider what would give you the feeling of anticipating a good result from talking to an audience? Maybe, for example, if you prepared and rehearsed your talk more than what you typically would, you'd feel more secure in speaking  in front of an audience. Once you sort through your particular reason as to the source of your discomfort, it may feel more manageable. Yes, social anxiety can change.  You may naturally prefer smaller groups than an audience. And, it is possible to decrease anxiety in what may always be somewhat uncomfortable for you. " +"I have a lot on my mind, but all I want to do is stay locked in my room and not socialize with anyone. Why do I feel so alone?"," There is a difference in someone agreeing to try something and agreeing to continue to do it. Have you ever been willing to try something and then decided you did not like it? A type of food? A sport? A new restaurant? A type of dance? So this does not mean that things have changed between you. It does mean that the two of you may need to spend some time to find out what you both like.  Instead of looking at it as a rejection, look at it as a challenge, an adventure that the two of you can go on as explorers together. Some couples have even found it helpful to each write down ten things they would like the other person to try and then each person can pick three things from the other person's list to add into their life together when they chose to over the next few weeks.  " +"I have a lot on my mind, but all I want to do is stay locked in my room and not socialize with anyone. Why do I feel so alone?"," There are many possible issues to consider as depression  social anxieties, even medical illness.  For some, even grief creates a sense of isolation, pains from relationship break up.  Also, obsessive thinking can be debilitating.  Seeking at least one trusted friend or family member can be a start towards increased personal support.  Some persons may simply feel connected by spending time with someone as this, even if not talking directly on issues, just being around another is positive.  Obviously there is more to explore on this question, given minimal information from two sentences. " +"I've felt this way for two years. I feel so much better now then I did when it started, but it is still there in the back of my mind at all times."," Best answer that I can give to you is that some level of de-personalization is quite normal for everyone, it will come and go throughout life, kind of like being on a roller-coaster, ""here it is, then it's gone not to return for quite some time"", like many things, the more that you fixate on it, the more stress it will cause you, consider it part of life, accept it, and move on, now if your having many, many ,many of these episodes or have some auditory or visual hallucination or disturbances or emotional unbalancing that accompany it than that is definitely something to look at, but for the most part nothing to worry about. Hope this helps, C " +"I have a lot on my mind, but all I want to do is stay locked in my room and not socialize with anyone. Why do I feel so alone?"," It has been said that depression is often the result of a blocked goal.  Often people struggle with both anxiety and depression but have difficulty determining which is the most important issue. For some, depression is the result of frequently blocked goals and when their predominant issues are evaluated, they discover that they are anxious (worried) about a lot of areas in their life but seem to find no relief.  When there is no relief and there have been numerous attempts (either in their mind or in practical application) to resolve the anxiety, depression is often the result.  In this type of case, depression is not the main or underlying issue. The anxiety is the underlying issue.  Having ""a lot on my mind"" sounds like anxiety. Unresolved anxiety can lead to feelings of depression which are often associated with ""emptiness.""   In the question above, I would want to evaluate all of the issues surrounding having ""a lot on my mind"" and determine where these might be coming from. Has there been ongoing rejection from peers? From family? If so, why does this seem to be happening?  Isolation is often a protective measure that one implements to avoid further pain. Where does that need to protect originate?  Are there unmet needs from childhood? Are there traumatic life events that have created a need to self-protect as a defense mechanism?  We can feel ""alone"" even when in a crow of people or at a party.  This has nothing, in this case, to do with being around people. It has more to do with how we view ourselves.  If there is a prevailing message or script that has been internalized that says, ""You are worth nothing"" or ""You don't deserve the company of others"" then being around people will not alleviate the problem but only exacerbate it. I would want to evaluate how one feels about themselves and what negative messages one has received and has repeated to oneself over time.  The Developmental Needs Meeting Strategy is a therapy aimed at addressing unmet childhood needs. If there is specific trauma that is associated with socializing with people, then EMDR can be very helpful in desensitizing and reprocessing the trauma.   Looking at whether this individual's issue with emptiness is straight depression or whether it is depression as a result of unresolved anxiety is key to determining a treatment strategy.  " +"I have no friends, no hobbies, and no interest in anything. I get annoyed with everything and everyone. I am always tired, i can sleep 8 hrs or 12 hrs and im still tired. I don't know what to do. Is this normal?"," Hello, and thank you for your question. It certainly sounds like you don't like how things are going. Here are a few thoughts and ideas: 1. If you haven't seen a primary care provider in a while, you may want to. There are health conditions that can affect your mood and energy levels, even at your age. It doesn't hurt to get checked out. If they find the cause, they may be able to treat it and improve the symptoms. In addition, most primary care providers are trained to be able to manage medication for patients who have mild, moderate, and sometimes severe depression. So, don't be surprised if your primary care doctor offers to put you on an anti-depressant if they diagnose you with depression. Medication is not the only way to treat depression, but sometimes it is necessary depending on different factors. 2. You may want to consider counseling, since it is another effective way to treat depression. A counselor will help you explore the factors that may be leading to depressive symptoms in the first place. This could include thoughts, behaviors, beliefs, life experiences, and other things. 3. Finally, to answer your question about whether these feelings are ""normal."" These symptoms could be the sign of an underlying general health or mental health condition. It is important to remember that even if these symptoms are ""abnormal"" it doesn't mean that YOU are. Millions of people struggle with depression. So remember, the symptoms are the problem, not YOU. Hope this helps. Be well. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC " +"I'm a guy. If I don't like girls, nor do I like guys, does that mean I'm gay?"," Hi, and thanks for your question. I agree with my colleagues about researching aintercourseuality, but I want too add a couple of things about that: Here is a website that you can start with to get some information about aintercourseuality - http://www.aintercourseuality.org/home/ There are a whole lot of myths surrounding aintercourseuality. One is that people who are aintercourseual have absolutely no interest in intercourse, and that is not always the case. There are variations of aintercourseuality. Some people who are aintercourseual have an interest in intercourse and others don't. Also, once you read more on this topic, you may find that you don't connect with aintercourseuality either, and that is okay. Our society usually thinks of intercourseual orientations as only being straight, gay, lesbian, or biintercourseual, but the truth is there are many variations of intercourseual orientations. Keep exploring. There is a good chance that there is a community of people who feel like you do. Finally, labels are important for a lot of things, but labeling ourselves can sometimes lead to some painful feelings. Try not to feel pressured to label yourself too quickly. This is your journey. Your experience. Take all the time you need. You may never feel the need to label how you feel, and that is okay, too. Hope this helps. Be well. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC   " +It's really hard to not have negative feelings about friends who don't put any effort into nourishing our relationship.," One thing I would ask is ""why are you still hanging with those {friends}?"" A relationship needs to be nurtured by both parties, it is a dynamic fluctuation between two people. I would ask you to question why you continue to remain together as friends, I always believed that a relationship should emit positivity towards all parties involved, if your in a relationship that is one-sided, it is inevitable that it will start to de-compensate. Never travel with the circus, never travel with fools, everything in life should have some positive payout, will things at times be negative, of course they will, but in order to keep something or someone in your life there should be more positivity than negativity. Hope this helps, C " +"I was in a relationship for almost five years. We were friends for a few years before we got into a relationship. He was a caring, friendly, and charming guy up until three and a half years in. He started controlling me: who I hung out with, where I was at all times, and he had a huge hissy fit if I tried to ask him the same questions. All that time, he just liked me as a friend and was cheating on me with my so-called friends. At the end, he was a nasty and narcissistic person. Now it's hard to be social.","It sounds like you had a very confusing and painful experience in this relationship, and now you feel hesitant to let yourself get close to people. It is understandable that when we are hurt in relationships, we may have trouble trusting and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable with others. Therapy is a great place to explore the roots of present difficulties in relationships, to unpack what happened in prior relationships, and to find new ways to show up in relationships so that we can have the relaxed intimacy that we want. Often, relationship difficulties represent patterns of relating that we learn early in life which we may feel compelled to act on outside of our awareness and therapy provides an opportunity to become more aware of these patterns so that we can change them, enabling us to feel secure and to seek out satisfying companionship. " +"Ive been in an on an off relationship with a this man for almost 3 years. Even though I care about him, he continues to hurt me. + +He and his wife were separated when we met. Now he's going through a really difficult divorce from her and is taking it really hard. I want to end this relationship, but I don't feel like I can. How can I let go?"," Hello, and thank you for your question. Boy, ending relationships is tough, isn't it? Sometimes it's tough even when we are 100% sure that it is the right thing to do! I am going to give you some of my thoughts, and hopefully some colleagues will add some others. One of the things that I want to point out is that ""letting go"" is not really a thing. In other words, it's not really something you can reach out and grab. It's more of a process. This is good news, because you don't necessarily have to be at the end of the process to end an unhealthy relationship. We just have to accept that there will be feelings that come up even after the relationship is over. For example, someone can end an unhealthy relationship today, but then be reminded of the good times on what would have been their ""anniversary."" This could make the person very sad. They may even regret ending the relationship for a little while. It would important, then, for the person to remind themselves why the relationship needed to end, and that they are healthier because of it. This is relevant for you. It's hard to walk away from a relationship. We fear all kinds of things, including being single! Sometimes it's helpful to compare what you are getting out of the relationship to what you want from a relationship. It's helpful to be honest about what we have given up for an unhealthy relationship. It's fine to admit uncertainly about ending things. It's okay to be afraid. It's okay to have moments of doubt and sadness along with a dash of guilt. And even with all of that, someone can still leave if it is the healthiest thing for them. They can have sadness later on, and still not go back. It sounds like you are feeling responsible for making sure he is okay because of this divorce. The truth is that there is not necessarily a ""perfect"" time to end any relationship. There would be no guarantee that he would be doing any better after the divorce. Sometimes NOT making decisions stresses us out A LOT more than making a decision and living with the consequences, both good and bad. You may be at that crossroads. Be well.. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC " +"After I told them, they yelled at me."," Hello, and thank you for your question. I am very sorry that this was your experience with your family. I truly wish I could give you some things to say to them that would change their reaction, but unfortunately I can't do that. Their acceptance of you is a journey, just like coming out is a journey for you. Sometimes families initially respond this way, but after time they become more accepting and even supportive. Unfortunately, there is no way to know for sure if that will happen. So, here are a few things I would suggest: Surround yourself with people and things that remind you that you really are okay as you are. That won't take the place of your family's acceptance, and I won't even pretend that it would, but it may help during those days when it hurts the most. And that is really important. Patience is not something that many of us are really good at, but this type of situation sometimes forces you to have some. When families first learn something like this, they may go through a period of shock. And then sometimes even grieving. They may even be worried if they are of a particular religion where being biintercourseual is forbidden. These things can take time for them to reconcile, so it may just take some patience. If it is safe for you, try to talk to them, but if it becomes painful or hurtful then you have the right to walk away. I do recommend setting up some personal boundaries for yourself, and perhaps learn some assertiveness skills if you feel you struggle with them. The reason I feel that this is important is that people sometimes take a lot of abuse from family members and friends in times like you're describing. They may want to be accepted so much that they put themselves in hurtful positions over and over again hoping that their families will come around. They may, or they may not. And if they don't, you deserve to live a life free of abuse and to feel confident and assured of who you are. To be surrounded by folks who remind you of that.  If you start seeing this pattern and you are struggling, chatting with counselor may be a great idea. I am bias probably, but I think chatting with a counselor is ALWAYS a good idea. :)  Hope this helps. Be well. Be you. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC " +"It was over 20 years ago, but the pain has resurfaced again now because I have started seeing her Facebook posts about how great her life is. I feel so angry. How can I handle this?"," A mediated safe talk session between. You and your sister. Then, you and your husband have a mediated safe talk.  So both hear what you feel in the respective relationships.  Possibly the last step is a mediated  safe talk with sister, husband and youcoversation, in the future. " +"It was over 20 years ago, but the pain has resurfaced again now because I have started seeing her Facebook posts about how great her life is. I feel so angry. How can I handle this?", What is going on in your life that brings up more sensitivity to the affair? The best way of handling your hurt is by noticing your own feelings and the current circumstances that increase your sense of pain. Concentrate on your own life and making your life the best it can be. +"Ive been in an on an off relationship with a this man for almost 3 years. Even though I care about him, he continues to hurt me. + +He and his wife were separated when we met. Now he's going through a really difficult divorce from her and is taking it really hard. I want to end this relationship, but I don't feel like I can. How can I let go?"," First decide what you truly would like in the current relationship. Understand your reasons for staying in the relationship. Three years is a substantial amount of time to be involved with someone.   Whatever attachment you feel toward this man is deep and complex. Instead of deciding to leave or not leave, change your question to figuring out your satisfactions and dissatisfaction with the man.  Also important is to tell the man your feelings. Whatever problem you are feeling may become clarified by discussing what bothers you. At the very least, you will give the guy a chance to show how interested he actually is in the tension you currently feel and have felt for a while. " +"I am going through a divorce. He is extremely angry. He refuses to physically assist me with our teenager daughter. I have no extended family support. Often times, I feel overwhelmed, tired, and joyless. I feel out of control, sad and depressed on a daily basis. I am just going through the motions of life every day. I am in my mid-50s. I have almost 29 years on my job. How can I handle this?"," Going through a divorce is often a very low point for the people involved. Are you surprised that your soon to be ex doesn't help with your teenage daughter? Usually patterns and dynamics in parenting are not  sudden developments. Is it possible that what you're feeling now is more intensity to the stress of parenting by yourself, not that this is a sudden problem? This is relevant because you may be more familiar and more capable than you're giving yourself credit.   The lack of emotional support is definitely stressful. Your parenting skills may still be at the level at which they were prior to the divorce. Take your emotional weariness seriously and reflect on the various ways of stress relief which are available and interest you. Give yourself extra time to rest, nurture yourself and be flexible in finding what feels right for stabilizing yourself. Since you talk about your daughter and help in physical ways, if it is a matter of strength that you need, talk with your attorney so that the child custody agreement includes whatever is physically necessary in the way of strength, in taking care of your daughter. The Courts are very good at making effort that the custody agreement offers proper care to the kids. " +"When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I'm afraid it's going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal."," Its hard to answer this question based on the information presented but I shall give it a go, Is it possible that your daughter is afraid of failing, I've seen many children and kids who get stressed out over grades or performance in sports, can you tell me ""what was your grade in fourth grade English? Or what was the score of the 7th game you played in football when you were a junior? Much of what happens to us is insignificant and we worry over things which really , in the long term don't matter much to us. But ask yourself this question, Is your daughters reaction to what is going grossly out of proportion with what would normally be expected, if the answer is yes, a visit to a psychotherapist might not be a bad idea to learn some coping skills and to alter our reaction to life. " +"I believe my partner has a masturbation and porn problem. He masturbates daily, even when I am lying in bed sleeping beside him. We have intercourse once a week. He is rough and worries about his needs. He never touches me, and treats me like a porn star, wanting to finish on my face or chest."," It sounds like your in quite a rough place, my recommendation just based on what you type might warrant a visit to a psychotherapist to resolve what may be going on, I am not entirely sure but it sounds like he might have a bit of a intercourse addiction problem. One thing you need to ask yourself is ""Am I happy?"", ""Do I feel loved?"", these are deep questions, but the answers to those questions will give you a direction to travel in. " +My motivation has gone away. It's hard to get out of bed. I really don't know what to do anymore. I'm miserable. My anxiety and depression have taken over my life.," Anxiety and Depression are challenging experiences to live with and to manage on a daily basis. I would say that both are challenges to overcome but solutions to living healthy and well exist. Step 1: Talk about it. With friends, family, partners, counselors, and other trusted people in your life. Step 2: Create a plan with a counselor to learn new skills that help you recognize and manage your symptoms. Step 3: Don't give up. Working on yourself can be difficult and hard at the beginning. Stick with it and you will be able to find exercises, tools, and resources that help you live well. " +We've been dating for two months now. I have a heavy past that gets him angry. Does he have a right to penalize me for things I did before I met him?," How is he penalizing you? Have you asked for his reasons for wanting to know about your heavy past? His answers may be very different than that he would like penalizing you. What you can do is explain how pressured you feel by his questions. Ideally, the two of you will become much closer by talking openly about your respective discomforts and wishes from the other. " +"I am a young adult, and I was intercourseually assaulted by an older man when I was a teenager (which has really intensified the guilt/shame). However, I've been attracted to much older men since I was even younger than that."," Sometimes the reason for being attracted to older men is because of growing up with a father who was distant. If you grew up having enough interaction with your dad to know you'd have liked more and didn't receive this, then maybe your longings of childhood are still active within you. It is ok to like older men. Just be sure you're not idealizing them, or anyone else. Because regardless of age, a relationship is based on who the two people really are, not how we'd like imagining them. " +"It was over 20 years ago, but the pain has resurfaced again now because I have started seeing her Facebook posts about how great her life is. I feel so angry. How can I handle this?"," Emotional pain is different from physical pain that way, isn't it? Even many years later, an old wound can be ripped open again by a small trigger. You were betrayed by two people close to you. That's a complex injury. I don't know whether you're still in the marriage or not, or whether your sister is still in your life. Perhaps not, as your contact with her seems to be through watching her facebook activity.  I'm curious about why you're just now seeing her facebook posts again. Are you feeling more open lately to seeing how she's doing in her life? I guess if you were open to having your sister even in the periphery of your life again, you will have to figure out how to handle those triggers. If you can't, maybe consider unfollowing her or detaching from facebook for a while.  So your sister is happy, or she at least appears happy. Your mind might go to some unhelpful places, like ""She doesn't regret the affair"" (you don't know that), ""She doesn't deserve happiness"" (that would be a harsh judgement), or ""She doesn't care that I'm hurt"" (again, there's no evidence of that). Where does your mind go? It's important to identify your worst thoughts in connection to her.  When you have those worst thoughts identified, ask yourself ""What evidence supports that thought as truth?"" It's likely that either there's no evidence, or that the truth is so far from you that you can't know what she's feeling or thinking, which makes having those thoughts pretty futile. A therapist can help you determine what emotions are being triggered here. It doesn't help you and your happiness to carry around resentment, ill wishes, or the need for revenge. Forgiveness is not about saying that something was ""okay"". It's about saying ""It happened. I accept that I can't change it, and I don't want to carry the emotional burden around all the time"". Forgiveness is putting it down. She... (trust me this is true)...she carries her own burden of shame for what she did. For you to spend time feeling angry doesn't affect her burden. It only adds to yours.  Can you find the tender emotion under your anger? You're hurt. Validate that hurt. Honour that hurt. Take care of that hurt. You can stay away from people who disregard your needs, and you have the power to forgive those who make mistakes out of their simple humanity if you want them in your life.  If you continue to struggle, please seek the help of a professional who can assist you in navigating these waters. :) " +"My husband and I are in our 40s. We've been married 17 years. Three weeks ago, he said he loves me but is not in love with me. He was going to leave me, but he said he thought about it and decided to stay. I don't know how to feel any more. How should I take what he said and not feel so hurt? He has been very blunt, and hurtful words just come out of his mouth. He makes me feel like I'm nothing, but I so dearly love him with everything in me. He said it wasn't a mid-life crisis."," I get it. Your husband tells you that he's not in love with you, but oops, he's changed his mind and will tolerate you for a while longer? Excuse me? My Dear, it's okay if you expect more than that from a marriage. Maybe the question has shifted from whether he is happy in the marriage to whether you are happy in the marriage. You say you love this man,  who makes you ""feel like nothing"". I say it might be time to sit down with an individual therapist and look objectively at your marriage and whether it's working for you.  " +We've been dating for two months now. I have a heavy past that gets him angry. Does he have a right to penalize me for things I did before I met him?," Not in my book. You're only two months in? At this early stage, this is a bit of a warning sign. If he can't accept or feel comfortable with who you are and decisions you've made, there's already a level of discomfort here that shouldn't be ignored. No, he doesn't have the right to penalize you or punish you ...not just for past things...not for anything. What he does get to do it tell you how it affects him. Sure...if he feels uncomfortable or needs reassurance...listen to those things. But If he doesn't dig who you are, maybe he can walk the other way.  " +"I believe my partner has a masturbation and porn problem. He masturbates daily, even when I am lying in bed sleeping beside him. We have intercourse once a week. He is rough and worries about his needs. He never touches me, and treats me like a porn star, wanting to finish on my face or chest."," There is a lot of information out there right now about how porn is harmful...to a person's brain chemistry, to a relationship and one's ability to love, and to how men see women and intercourse in general. Your partner demonstrates a clear disregard for your needs. There is evidence, as you suggest, that there is addiction here. I recommend seeing a therapist who can help you sort out where to go from here.  " +I have a bad habit of thinking and worrying about what others may think of me. I really want to stop it and enjoy things.," Thinking about what others think of us is a natural tendency. Human beings are social creatures and rely on feedback from the outside world of people, places, and things to let us know more about ourselves. We also have an inner voice, dialogue, conscience, etc. that helps us to determine the path for us. Often, when someone is worried about the external feedback, and focuses on this as the sole source of information, it can create a dependency that can become problematic. Balance is key to so many things in life. Your own voice is powerful and has strength to provide you the enjoyment you seek. Don't discount it and rely only on the voices of others. " +"I'm a teenager, and I just got my first job. I am a month and a half in. Yesterday, my boss pushed me to the point where I had to go to the restroom and cry. She didn't see me, and I'm glad, but when I went to talk to her about it today, I let a tear or two come out. I hate it. I feel like they're not going to keep me anymore."," Getting your first job is an exciting, terrifying, and challenging experience. It is something you will remember for a long time and it shapes how you begin to think about yourself as a worker. You are literally ""learning as you go"" in this completely new environment. You are going to make mistakes. You are not going to get it right the first time. It can be even more challenging if you are having a difficult time building relationships that are supportive at work. A couple of things to remember here: 1) You are there to do a job and you are getting paid to do it, 2) There is a reason or reasons for you wanting to be there and do that work, 3) you know best what you need in order to be successful. These three items can be helpful to remember, especially when we feel our emotions are taking over in a place where we do not feel safe to express them fully. If you feel like your supervisor is approachable, meaning someone you could talk to because they express confidence in you, let them know you are nervous about doing a good job. Also let them know how you learn new tasks, information, or expectations so they can deliver the message in a way that you understand. Becoming a successful worker doesn't happen overnight, but each day you can identify what works for you and what doesn't by communicating with your work team, the easier it will be for you. We all had a first job once, and were all worried about doing well. Hang in there, and call a counselor if you need more help. " +My motivation has gone away. It's hard to get out of bed. I really don't know what to do anymore. I'm miserable. My anxiety and depression have taken over my life.," It is challenging to maintain motivation at all times, anxiety and depression can set in which can make interacting with others a  struggle, it can lead us to do things that make us not feel good and we become isolated.  This ends up feeding into a cycle that maintains the anxiety/depression loop  and can be really challenging to step out of it.  You are in a place of awareness and this is the first step in making changes that can help you feel better.  It is really one step at a time, a concrete plan, with self-compassion to build the solid ground you need to come out of this. http://www.empoweryou2.com " +"I live a normal life. I have tons of friends and family, but I feel lonely.", This may be happening because you and the others are not connected to each other on a level which reaches your emotions. Loneliness may show the absence of feeling a variety of emotions when you are among others. How many friends you have doesn't affect whether you and someone else feel emotionally engaged with one another. Consider if you feel like concentrating your friendship on more intensively sharing your feelings with a few of your friends. This may lead to fewer friends who are also more meaningful to you and your feeling a decrease of loneliness. +I have twin toddlers. I experienced a death of loved one prior to giving birth. I had a horrible break up with the father. People told him he was using me for money. My ex-boyfriend had extreme meltdowns every day for three years. I'm always alone with no friends.," First, let me say that you are a survivor and a warrior. Managing 1 child by yourself is difficult, but twins is a whole different ballgame. Anxiety can affect us at any time anywhere. This is the challenge, especially when we have so many things to manage each day. There are several methods and practices that help manage and even reduce symptoms of anxiety. It will depend on what works best for you. Talk with friends, a counselor, or a loved one who can offer you support and feedback as you navigate this process of learning what works for you. When all else fails; make sure you are in a safe place, pause for a deep, cleansing breath in, a long exhale out, and ask yourself, ""What do I want in this moment?"" Now you can begin again. " +"When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I'm afraid it's going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal."," Watching children go through challenges in their lives is difficult. On a very basic level, There exists a primal need to protect them from harm. The hard part for parents is letting them feel those challenges and working through them as they get older. At some point, there is a moment that occurs when the role as a parent shifts. Children no longer need the basics (food, shelter. water, safety) as much as when they were toddlers, but rather, their needs shift to wanting more support, encouragement, advice, and room to make mistakes. This is where the ability to communicate with them, letting them direct the sails to gather the wind needed to move, is so important. Keep the lines of communication open and be available to give feedback when they ask for it. " +"I often get the feeling that I'm being watched, like video cameras are hidden wherever I am, even at home. I feel like people can see all that I do and are reading my thoughts. Things I read or hear on the radio seem to be about (or meant for) me, and people are talking about me when they whisper.","It sounds like you are feeling pretty overwhelmed with worry about being continuously monitored, with no privacy even in your own mind, and as if people are constantly saying things about you in whispers on in the media. It's hard to say from a post online what is at the root of this experience, but you may be able to get insight into that, as well as develop ways of coping with the distress of feeling this way, with the help of a good therapist. There is no pill or technique that can guarantee that this experience will go away, though it might, however, there are things that you can do so that you can understand it better and so that it does not have such an impact on your ability to lead a satisfy life. " +"I have absolutely nothing to do with my life but lay in bed on my phone or hangout with my one friend. I don't have a job, my family doesn't include me in anything, and I don't have many friends. I have nothing to do besides go on my phone. I miss talking to people in person instead of online. I don't even talk to my family in person even from the other room.","It sounds like you are feeling pretty stuck, lonely, and hopeless; like you have a desire to be more connected to people and to find purpose in life, but are not sure what to do. I am glad to hear that you have at least one friend and I think it is great that you are reaching out for more connection. If you can, working with a therapist who is competent in treating depression may be a huge benefit to you and help you to regain a sense of meaning, motivation, and connection. Additionally, anything you can do to give yourself a little break from the feeling of pointlessness and any ruminating thoughts you may be having may be of help. I know it may sound pointless in the moment, and you may feel a great deal of inertia in doing so, but you may find that if you force yourself to do something small that is pleasurable, like taking a walk for example, there's a good chance you will be glad that you did so after the fact. Thank you for reaching out. " +"I sleep a lot. Music changes my mood. I cry every Wednesday. My mind is like a maze that even I get lost in. I don't usually feel my true emotions, but instead, I get fake mirrored ones."," What happens in your life on Wednesdays that you feel like crying?   Crying is natural.  Crying on Wednesdays may also be natural if some type of regular event or situation comes up for you then that you don't like, feel oppressed by and have no way of avoiding. Maybe you would qualify for a diagnosis for depression. This matters less than what you will do with a diagnosis.   Very often people feel some type of relief from hearing a professional tell them what they ""have"". Don't let yourself get talked into taking pills because now you ""have something"".   Pills change your mood. Only you can change your life. The diagnosis matters so the therapist gets paid from insurance. It is a good sign that you know whether you feel true emotions or fake ones.  This is a clear sign of knowing about yourself. Your mind feeling like a ""maze"" is a little too vague to know if you mean there are too many thoughts at once so that you have difficulty knowing which ones to examine first, or if ""maze"" means you don't know what your thoughts are and  feel lost for this reason. Depression which is addressed by a person can become quite liberating because you will remove what bothers you so much in your life that it weighs you down and depresses you. " +"I am not sure if I am depressed. I don't know how to bring it up to my parents, and that makes me miserable."," Depending on your relationship with your parents, inviting them to have a conversation might be a good first step.  If they consent then you can have the opportunity to discuss your concerns with them.  Inviting someone to a conversation and getting their agreement is a great first step. I would then make sure your location of the discussion is conducive to the conversation and once all that is considered it might be beneficial that you make a list of your concerns prior to the meeting.  this can help keep you on point.  " +My husband and I are separated. He says he needs some time apart. He says he needs to get back the “in love” part of a relationship but doesn't want to lose me. Should I wait or start over new?," It's not uncommon for relationships to go cold over time. It is a matter of one or the other becoming complacent. If you and your husband have been together for quite some time it's likely that you are very comfortable and familiar with each other. While this is a good thing in some ways, it can also become boring and you run the risk of losing that ""in love"" feeling he is referring to. Couples simply become ambivalent. For some of the couples I work with in my practice, I find that helping to organize a time apart, which I call a ""Therapeutic Separation"" can do wonders for the relationship. I offer homework to be done during this time. Reading, worksheets and individual counseling helps people learn more about themselves and what they desire out of their relationship. It often times brings more appreciation for their partners. When the pair comes back together, we are able to push the reset button and begin a new chapter that is more fulfilling and exciting than before. " +"I'm a teenager, and I just got my first job. I am a month and a half in. Yesterday, my boss pushed me to the point where I had to go to the restroom and cry. She didn't see me, and I'm glad, but when I went to talk to her about it today, I let a tear or two come out. I hate it. I feel like they're not going to keep me anymore."," How sad for you! I'm sorry your first job is turning into a place of tension. Did the matter between you and your boss get resolved? Do you feel respected by your boss and does she listen to your point of view, even if afterwards, she disagrees? Keep an open mind over the next several weeks or few months on how you feel in your new work situation. Expect to be treated fairly and reasonably. If this is not the way you feel most of the time, then consider finding a new place to work. " +"When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I'm afraid it's going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal."," I agree with your observation about your daughter feeling stressed.   Are you able to open this topic in conversation with her? Also, reflect on your own expectations as a parent.   It is possible that your daughter is trying to please you by getting consistently high grades. If your daughter prefers talking in confidence to a therapist, then this may help her regain a sense of balance in her life so that schoolwork feels less stressful. I wouldn't take her to a doctor because based on what you write, the problem is psychological and emotionally based.  While the stress may have physical symptoms, addressing the root cause of the problem has nothing to do directly with something being physically wrong with your daughter. Unless there is some other medical or physical problem that would explain your daughter's sense of stress,  I'd start first by bringing your areas of concern to your daughter, then possibly to a therapist.  " +"I am not sure if I am depressed. I don't know how to bring it up to my parents, and that makes me miserable."," I am so sorry you are struggling!  I do think it's a good idea to share your feelings with your parents and perhaps get some help connecting with a counselor or therapist if you feel that might help.  There are lots of ways to tell them, depending on your relationship.  Maybe saying ""I wanted to tell you guys something.. sometimes I worry that I might be depressed."" Or, some folks will write a letter, or even send a text.  The most important thing is that you tell someone you trust so you don't feel so miserable. I hope this helps.  Best of luck.   " +"I'm transgender, I know I am, but I've only told a few friends. I know I can't tell my family because of previous conversations we've had. They just wouldn't accept it. +My gender dysphoria is getting really difficult to deal with on my own. I need some strategies for dealing with it. What should I do?"," Hi! I am so glad you're reaching out!  Sounds like you have some solid support in some areas of your life but are still dealing with some difficult dysphoria.  I think it can depend on what kind of dysphoria you have - sometimes it's physical, social or mental.  Sometimes physical dysphoria means less time around mirrors or plans to make showering less stressful (music, audio books, distraction).  Sometimes online support networks can be a great source of ideas in this way (for social and mental dysphoria as well).  Some of my clients do things that help them feel better in their bodies that don't require anyone to know (hair removal, binders, packing, hormones,) and other things.  I recommend stopping by a website called Conversations with a Gender Therapist. There are some awesome videos there that might help you!  I hope this helps some!  Don't forget to try to connect with other trans folks (even online) - it can be a great relief to know you're not alone in how you're feeling! Best of luck!! " +"I am on the track and softball team. My school is small, so I play all four sports it offers. I feel obligated to do track because I'm not a horrible runner, and my dad wants me to. The catch is is that the days before a track meet and the morning of, I get sick and cry."," It sounds like you are no longer committed to track emotionally.  It can be hard to talk to your dad about this, but he may think you love track and may not know you are getting so upset the days of meets.  An idea would be to first write a letter to your dad to see what feelings come out and then preparing to speak with him.  I think he will appreciate your honesty and maybe this conversation will bring you relief and also time to find something you really will enjoy.   " +"My boyfriend and I have been going out for about a year. I suddenly find myself jealous when I see him talking to other girls. I have never been this way before. I don't like these feelings. He said that my jealousy would cause our relationship to have problems. I told him I can't help these feelings. I don't know where they are coming from, but this is how I feel, I tried to stop, but I can't. I really like this guy, but I'm afraid that I'm messing up the relationship. It's just stupid."," Trust is at the top of what makes a healthy relationship.  It sounds like you may benefit from personal counseling to explore where this jealousy comes from and what keeps you from having complete trust in your boyfriend.  This is not stupid, this is your mind telling you that there is something that needs to be worked through.  Sometimes we need to talk to someone like a counselor who is disconnected from our life to understand our feelings and what they mean in our relationships. " +"I'm socially awkward. I've always want to be popular. I've had the opportunity to be popular, but every time I get i,t I'm too scared. All I have to do is talk the popular people. They're really nice to me, but I'm too scared of change. I really want to work up the courage to lose my fear."," Change can be uncomfortable, but sometimes those uncomfortable moments are the opportunity for us to be the person we feel we really are.  It sounds like you like to spend the time in your head anticipating the worst, why not be in the present and encourage yourself that you can talk to people and it will be okay.  By telling yourself it will not be okay, or that it will go wrong you are hurting your confidence to do what you want.  Give yourself some credit for being awesome and tell yourself you can build new friendships...it may be the motivation you need to move past this fear. " +"In middle school and high school, my friends and family thought I was gay. I tried telling them, but they wouldn't believe me. It almost feels like they wanted me to be. Now I'm actually starting to believe them. I know I wasn't back then, and now I'm not sure anymore."," Use this time to explore who you are...imagine what your life would be like if you were gay and not, ask yourself what is different? What scenario do you find yourself gravitating to?  What is important is that you are happy. My message to you is that you do not need to define yourself with your intercourseual preference or feel the need to label yourself, especially if you are confused and exploring what your intercourseual preference is.   " +"He is an adolescent. He has peed his pant multiple times over the last few years, all at times when he is too wrapped up in a video game or video. We have taken away games and videos for long periods of time as punishment, but after a few months of having then back, he pees his pants again.","From a behavioral standpoint you should refrain from punishing your son.  Instead of utilizing punishment when he wets himself provide contingencies prior to any accidents.  Sit down with your son and discuss the importance of utilizing the bathroom and responsibilities and inform him that if he chooses to wet his pants that his video games will not be available for use for him the next day(or your designated realistic time frame).   This way if an accident occurs, no heated words have to be exchanged because you have already laid the ground work.  Also allow him to clean up himself.  Gather cleaning supplies and and oversee cleaning operations without ridicule or negative feedback.   Since you have stated that you have an adolescent who is experiencing enuresis, you may want to check with your PCP and a licensed professional for underlying diagnosis that can be treated.   You can also call a local behavioral analyst. " +"He is an adolescent. He has peed his pant multiple times over the last few years, all at times when he is too wrapped up in a video game or video. We have taken away games and videos for long periods of time as punishment, but after a few months of having then back, he pees his pants again."," Sounds as though your son is ""pissed off"" about something. Punishment will most likely result in more of the same, not less of the peeing you would like to stop from happening. ""Laziness"" is more of a social judgement than it is a characteristic of its own merit. Is this your description of your son or his description of himself? First step always before addressing any of the family dynamics, emotions, and psychology of the people involved, is a medical rule out as to why your son pees at times he plays video games. If he has medical clearance that there is no physiological  problem, then talk with your son on his opinions as to why he pees, if he is aware of the urge to pee and ignores it, or that his attention gets so absorbed he doesn't notice the urge to pee. See what modifications you can create by cooperating with your son. Maybe it is as simple as each two hours, he sets a timer and when it goes off, he takes a bathroom break. " +"I am on the track and softball team. My school is small, so I play all four sports it offers. I feel obligated to do track because I'm not a horrible runner, and my dad wants me to. The catch is is that the days before a track meet and the morning of, I get sick and cry."," Does anyone notice that you get sick and cry on track meet days? Have you told anyone? From what you write, as much as you would like to please your school and dad, something within you doesn't quite want to fully follow through. Step one in life always is to know what you want and what your limits are.   It already is difficult to avoid listening to your body. Try understanding what is difficult in telling your father that you'd like doing as he wishes, only are not able to do so because you are emotionally and physically distraught on the days you have track. After finishing the season for this year with your school's track team, then expect to concentrate on taking care of your own need to not do track. Hopefully your father will understand and care about your problem.   If he does not and track is more important than your well being, then you have a different problem entirely. " +"I don't speak up if I'm uncomfortable and hardly ever make plans for us when we hang out. He is a very open and straightforward person, so he is getting upset with me for my lack of proper communication. We've been together two years and have identified this as our main problem. Arguments have arised from this single issue many times."," Do you know what you're afraid may happen if you do speak up? Usually people don't talk freely because they feel afraid to do so.  Sometimes the fear of being rejected by the other, of being criticized or judged by the other person, or that what you will say stirs anger in the other person. If you are able to know what your particular reason is for not talking, then maybe you and your partner can talk about what makes talking easy or hard. Also, since speaking up is new for you, then ask your partner to be patient while you learn to do so.  Everyone does better at learning new skills when they feel supported and welcomed. " +"I'm transgender, I know I am, but I've only told a few friends. I know I can't tell my family because of previous conversations we've had. They just wouldn't accept it. +My gender dysphoria is getting really difficult to deal with on my own. I need some strategies for dealing with it. What should I do?"," This is a difficult situation to be in, as it sounds like you are feeling very isolated from both your family and your friends.   I don't know your age or gender so please excuse any incorrect assumptions about you being under 18 and use what is useful from the ideas if you are older.  One idea is to research online to find a therapist or a local clinic that has a therapist who is a ""Gender Therapist"" or a ""Gender Specialist.""  Most therapists who are transgender affirmative also have other specialties and do general therapy.  Though I don't think lying to your parents is a good idea, if you feel you truly can't talk to them about your gender, then perhaps you can find a therapist with a specialization in gender identity who can help you cope with your gender dysphoria.  You can let your parents know that you would like to see that particular therapist for other reasons, such as anxiety/worry, and that you researched them and liked their website.  Work to find a therapist who takes your parents insurance if you can.  You can also talk to the therapist on the phone first, before you talk to your parents about scheduling the first therapy visit. Therapists can help you learn some ways to manage feelings of worry, shame, and fear related to gender dysphoria. Depending on your family situation, many therapists will work to help you learn skills to safely communicate with your parents about what is troubling you.  Your parents may actually surprise you and be more accepting than you think.  Usually when parents learn that you are suffering, they want to be open to learning how they can help you, even if awkwardly at first. Reframing is a tool that helps you think about your situation from other perspectives.  It's kind of how you can look at the same picture with a different picture frame and it makes the same picture look a little different.   Keep in mind your situation is probably temporary and think about in the context of your whole long life (can you tolerate another 2 to 4 years living like you are if you have another X number of years to live?).  If you are living at home, you will eventually be more independent and be able to make more of your decisions about your gender expression. Keep the idea in mind the concept that is popular in mindfulness classes I teach, that ""This too shall pass"" or ""This is only for now"" when you start to feel hopeless. If you start to over focus on your gender or body issues, try to distract yourself with things that make you feel happy (your pet, music, art, sports etc) or stay busy.  If you can, find any GSA or LGBTIQQ youth group that you can attend confidentially, further away from home, to get some support.  Work to find an ally, one person, that you can talk to about what you are feeling. Making new friends online through social media can sometimes be a start in breaking down the isolation you feel. Another idea, if you are under 24 years old, there is a phone line (866-488-7386)  to call in case you are ever feeling you are in crisis.  You can also text chat! Trevor Project: http://www.thetrevorproject.org/ There is also a trans teen online chat group if you are 12-19 http://www.glbthotline.org/transteens.html If you are an adult you can get numbers to call in your state if you start to feel suicidal:http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ Day to day, can you creatively work on your gender dysphoria?  Yes!  Are there ways you can focus on parts of your body you love?  Can you focus on that when you look in the mirror?  Are you a writer?  Can you write stories or poetry about the life you imagine for yourself in the future?  Can you do small things that help you get more in touch with your gender day to day like making small choices about your clothing, like wearing clothes that are more uniintercourse,  that only you know are gender related but others won't notice?  You cannot force others to accept you but you can work on your self-acceptance and self-compassion. That work is something that is best done in the company of others like you as well as with at least another person who gets you and whom you can trust.  Good luck to you!  " +I'm having problems shutting them out and putting up walls.,"It sounds like you would like to let other people get close to you and at the same time you are finding yourself compelled to keep people at a distance. Often times, when we have difficulty trusting others, it is because we have specific fears about what would happen if we get close or let our guard down. Such fears may be rooted in past experiences in relationships in which we were hurt and or disappointed. In working with a therapist, you can gain insight into what is underneath your compulsion to put walls around yourself and develop ways to form authentic, lasting, satisfying relationships with others. " +"I have four children. One of them is in her 20s, and she cannot afford to go, nor can I pay for her. She went last year for two weeks by herself."," Of what do you feel you'd be guilty? Family vacations are not a basic human right to existence.  They are fun, ideally.   You're not violating a basic human right.  You wrote that you don't have enough money to pay for her to come along. You may find yourself feeling more guilty toward yourself if you give more than you reasonably can afford to give. My suggestion is to tell your daughter your reason for not taking her along. Maybe this will open more dialogue between the two of you. " +"I'm in my mid-twenties now, and my boyfriend of seven years and I want to start a life. My mother is 100% codependent on me and is extremely manipulative. She suffers from type 1 diabetes, which she uses to guilt me if I ever leave her. The problem is that I will feel guilty."," Focus more on your own life and less on the very heavy descriptors you wrote to describe your mom. All the words you wrote represent psychological conditions which are either lifelong or take a lot of motivation and effort to change. Since the only person who can change how your mom handles her life, is your mom, and you are the only one who can do the same for yourself, devote more energy and time to living your own life fully, despite the emotions you feel regarding her. " +It's especially bad at night time. I am scared of sleeping alone.," Being able to know you feel anxiety and write about it, is the first step to addressing and handling it! Generally, anxiety is deep fear of not being able to handle what comes up in life.   Somehow the person was insufficiently nurtured and so felt  insecure when very young. Usually the person had to fend on at least a psychological and emotional level for themselves before reaching an age when doing so would have been reasonable. Their inner feeling of overwhelmed from when very young, hasn't faced the reality that the grown person is now capable, even if this takes some practice.  Try asking yourself what you are afraid of and theorize how you would handle these situations as a grown person. Also, sometimes anxiety comes from feeling lonely.  This loneliness is reminiscent of the loneliness that the grown person now, felt when being left to take care of situations as a child which were too difficult and complex for any child to address. " +"It was over 20 years ago, but the pain has resurfaced again now because I have started seeing her Facebook posts about how great her life is. I feel so angry. How can I handle this?"," First thing that you must realize is that most people only post the ""best parts"" of their lives on Facebook, some people even go so far as to make their lives seem better or more interesting and post mostly false views of their life. Facebook is watered down, candied version of our life, you put on there only what you want people to see. The questions you should ask is ""How have I grown from this?"", Is my marriage currently in a good place? I really wish there was some form of magic that could be performed to solve peoples issues and help them sort out their emotions and troubles, however there is not, the closest we can get is by using {time and insight} to heal our wounds. " +I have been having horrendous nightmares this whole month.," Are you facing any type of overwhelming situation in your waking life? Dreams and nightmares are the non-logical ways in which we make emotional sense of what goes on in our everyday waking world. Besides having some type of relaxing bedtime routine to set a peaceful mood for your sleep, and avoiding viewing violent films and video games as entertainment, maybe even avoiding news stories which sometimes have similar themes of violence, the content of our dreams and nightmares is out of our direct control. Your nightmares may offer useful clues as to what you're trying to resolve in your life.   Pay attention to the story of your nightmare because it reflects how you feel in waking life. If you feel helpless and silenced in your nightmare, or taken advantage of, or whatever dreadful situation goes on during your nightmare, then look for where in waking life, you may feel similar. In this way, you'll become clearer about stressors in your life that you may not have realized existed were it not for the stress of nightmares. " +"My husband took a job out of state for the next year and seems to be a different person. Before, he worked and slept, and on off days, he'd stay home because he didn't want to do anything else. Now he's going out with friends several nights a week while I'm still home working a 50 hours a week job and taking care of two kids by myself. He's suddenly saying he misses me and wants me to be his adored wife, but the whole time, I'm remembering how I've been emotionally starving for the last five years."," My first concern is you: As you stated, you have been emotionally starving for the past five years.   Please try to find time for you; to clarify your thoughts and feelings by writing, talking to a trusted friend or family member and perhaps seeing a therapist. What's really going on with your husband?  Does he discuss in detail his sudden change?  Can the two of you still talk? Do you want the same things?   Before you go to couples counseling, I suggest that you get some support first to feel grounded within yourself and your life.  Make sure you are ready to hear what might come out of counseling.    I wish you the best.  " +"My mother has Alzheimer's and she has become so nasty and mean to everyone and she always asks for unrealistic, silly or meaningless items. I get so frustrated and angry, but then I feel guilty because I know it probably isn't her fault. How can I cope with feeling like this?"," Yes, certainly your mom's difficulty in having meaningful conversations with people results from the Alzheimer's disease process which weakens her brain function. Feeling a sense of guilt in relation to a parent, is pretty common for everyone. This is because as little kids and babies, we had a strong reliance on a parent and believing every word they sad and wishing to follow each action they ask or demand, was for the benefit of our own survival. One way of coping with your feeling of guilt is to examine it. Ask what it is you're feeling guilty about? Chances are that your sense of guilt is less due to what you're currently saying or doing to help your mom. Very likely, your guilt feeling is awakening the sense of obligation that you and all of us feel toward a parent simply because parents seem to have unquestionable power when we are very young. After all, you're thoughtful enough to write a question, so chances are great that you're already actively involved in caring for your mom. " +"My mother has Alzheimer's and I can see that she has lost some of her intellectual abilities. Even though I know this disease is not her fault, I'm still finding it difficult to separate my own feelings of disappointment and frustration when my mom seems to ignore my opinions and wishes, and seems"," Good observation on your part, to distinguish that your feelings in relation to your mom are not necessarily connected to the way she handles her part of the relation toward you. Has your mom usually ignored your opinions and wishes in relating to you? If prior to the onset of Alzheimer's, she never examined her way of relating to you, and if both of you have never had an open conversation about your sense of feeling hurt by her attitudes and manner with you, then the relationship between you and your mom will change in ways other than rational dialogue. She may continue ignoring or overlooking your wishes because she's been stuck in this attitude for most of your life. The good news for you about this is realizing that who you are and your way of relating to your mom, has very little to do with the way she relates to you. This is a more profound disappointment because it shows that her disconnect from you has been for longer than when the Alzheimer's began. You can however, feel a little more free knowing that you're not deserving of being ignored. " +"I keep feeling paralyzed and unsure during interviews. Previous jobs have fired me for lack of performance, and five employers have rejected me after extensive personality tests and interviews. I'm afraid of continuing because my depression is getting worse. I'm already humiliated working for temp agencies and doubt my self-worth as a provider for my family.","It sounds like you are feeling pretty overwhelmed and stuck between wanting to improve your work situation and worrying that you won't be able to. It is possible that the paralysis, uncertainty, and self-doubt that you describe are contributing to your difficulty in getting  and maintaining a satisfying job as employers generally like to see that a potential employee is confident and can think on his or her feet. With a competent therapist, you may be able to get more understanding of the roots of these feelings and learn how to move forward in your search for a better work life in a way that leaves you feeling confident and capable. " +"I'm in my early 20s, and I've been seeing my boyfriend for a year now. My boyfriend has always been the sweetest guy until recently. He has made comments such as “you would look better as a Tumblr girl"" or ""you should start doing more squats."" It's really hurtful."," Hello, and thank you for your question. I am very sorry that you are experiencing this. To be honest, this kind of behavior is really emotionally abusive, and you likely know that already. The unfortunate truth is, there is very little we can actually do to change another adult's behavior if they are not interested in changing it. Many people who behave in this way actually feel justified in saying what they say, or even believe that they are ""helping"" in some way by telling you how to improve yourself. What is actually going on is an attempt to control or change something about you by being coercive and abusive. It is important to know that this kind of behavior doesn't necessarily show up right away. That is why I am not surprised that you are a year in to this relationship and are just now noticing these behaviors. Some people actually don't see them until they are already married! You didn't mention that there has been any physical abuse, but I would warn you that this is sometimes a possibility once a person has already begun to be emotionally abusive. Other things to watch out for is your boyfriend trying to control who you hang out with, what you do and how you dress, etc. These are just more examples of emotional abuse and control. Here are some things to consider and some ideas: 1. You could talk to your boyfriend about this behavior, if you believe it is safe to do so. Perhaps he will recognize that his behavior is not okay, and change. If not, then you may need to decide what you want to do about this relationship, given the fact that you cannot force him to change. 2. You can call a local domestic violence program. They do not only work with people who have been physically abused or have been married. They are trained to talk about emotional abuse, also. It may be a good thing for support. Your calls are confidential. 3. Check out the wheel in the link below. On it you will find some other common ways that abuse can happen in a relationship. If any of these are happening to you, or begin to happen, talking to a domestic violence program, a trusted friend or family member, or a counselor would be a good idea.  http://www.domesticviolence-wilm.org/Portals/97/Images/violence_wheel.gif  Be well.... Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC " +"We have been together over a year. We spend time together every day no matter how busy. He started to be unusually fatigued and losing weight. He also began to be distant and intercourseually selfish. We had a argument, and he confided he has late stage stomach cancer. He wont treat it."," Hello, and thank you for your question. I am very sorry about this life-altering situation that both you and your boyfriend are going through. To be sure, this is a devastating and lonely road for both of you. I say lonely because when things like this happen we often don't know what to say to each other, and so we suffer in silence with little support. Here are a few thoughts that I am having, and perhaps others will add things, too: 1. By the sound of your main question, it seems like you have every intention to be there for your boyfriend during this difficult time. I am not sure if he is willing to talk about his health situation, but letting him know that you want to support him and also need his support may be helpful. 2. If it is possible, see if he would be willing to go to a counselor with you. There are many things that a counselor could focus on that may help your relationship, but also help you both cope with what is happening. 3. If he refuses to seek support, you may want to consider going on your own. If you can't afford it, sometimes hospice organizations offer support groups and other services. It is very important not to neglect yourself. Be well, Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC " +"She's in her early 20s, and she has a toddler."," Well, first let's identify what factors are involved in the situation about which you wrote. Are you the only decision maker regarding your stepdaughter living with you? Is her dad, and your partner, living under the same roof? Would you feel any obligation to consult with your husband about his opinion and his way of handling the situation? Have you talked with your stepdaughter about your observation and your reaction to the fact of her not honoring your boundaries? Consider too that there will be an effect on the toddler, your grandchild, if you kick out your daughter. Is your daughter financially ready to live on her own and support herself and her child? You certainly have the right to define the terms of what goes on under your roof. It is only fair to everyone that as many variables as possible, be considered. The conclusion may be that it is in everyone's best interest for your stepdaughter to move out. If everyone feels respected and a well thought out plan is developed, then the least amount of hurt and stress, and the most amount of happiness, will be possible from this change. " +Nothing we've tried has worked so far., Probably what you should do is decide whether you can continue having a romantic and intercourseual relationship with someone to whom you don't feel like having intercourse. Five years is long enough to know that the way you feel toward your partner is more than likely going to remain this way. Talk with your gf about your feelings because she may not wish to be in a relationship in which her partner is not intercourseually attracted to her. +"Any time my family and friends are in an altercation, I'm the one who steps in. I'm the one they call to fight for them. I do this even though I have a tough time trusting the people I'm fighting for. I'm only in my early 20s."," Breaking the patterns of relating to family members, is difficult work. In the situation you describe, both you and the family members who ask for your intervention, will be affected by any change you decide to make in the way all of you handle family disagreements. Always, it is best for any two people who have a disagreement, to talk directly with each other.   A third person distracts from the content and reasons for disagreeing. Maybe knowing that by pulling yourself away from mediating family arguments, you will in the long term be doing good for your family, helps you do the actual work of separating yourself from their arguments. Definitely, the fact that you're writing about the problem, shows you feel like doing something which feels better than how you feel currently. It is very healthy for you to listen to your gut intuition telling you to pull out of the mediator role you are in currently. You may feel guilty, your family members will most likely do everything possible to persuade, convince,  and push you back into their arguments. This doesn't make them right in what they're doing, it only makes your job harder of trying to let them have their fights on their own. " +"In the last ten months, I've been kicked out, moved around three times, worked many jobs, stopped school to make money, had dad and mom get sick, was cheated on while pregnant, lost my baby, had relationship issues, and was betrayed. I can't get a job. I have no friends. I feel lonely and isolated. I've been dealing with all this by myself."," One thing that may help is to focus on small things that you do have control over. If you can hold onto that sense of having control over what you wear or what you choose to eat or where you go during the day, this may help you be able to look at what is currently most important for you and consider different choices. For example, you say you can't get a job, but I wonder if you could work with and local agencies to help you find a job, like Career Link. You say you have no friends currently. Are there any previous friends that you can get back in contact with? You mentioned that you have no friends. Is there anyone in your life that you can talk with, even if it's not someone that you consider a closest friend? " +"My daughter basically freaked out out of nowhere over me saying “calm down” when she dropped her phone. Within seconds, the situation escalated to her kicking me out on the curb, saying horrifically unspeakable things, and her calling the cops on me. She seems unable to stop herself at times."," Bipolar disorder has a lot of different components. If this is a one-time event, it could be that your daughter had an intense moment of anger and the phrase of asking her to ""calm down"" may have made her feel as though you weren't understanding what she was saying. Bipolar disorder also includes feelings of depression. When this is coupled with intense anger and acting or speaking without thinking, these can be part of bipolar disorder, but that wouldn't be the whole picture of what bipolar disorder would look like. It may be helpful to track differences that you notice in your daughter's mood and any patterns related to the times of day or what seems to lead her to be upset. Patterns are very helpful in figuring out what is happening. " +"I'm a teenager, and I created a sort of imaginary friend to help me cope with stressful situations or if I'm worried or upset. She ""gives me advice"" and comforts me and tells me it'll be okay. I've given her a name (Solace) and created a personality for her that's like a comforting motherly figure. I know it's just my own advice and my own thoughts, but it's just that I'm thinking of them through a voice other than my own. I do this because I know I never really listen to my own advice, and I thought it would be better if it was through someone else who knew my thought process in and out, through this imaginary friend. Is this normal? Could it develop into a separate personality with time if I continue a mentality that she is her own person?"," Since you are saying that you know that the thoughts are yours and your thinking of them in a different person's voice to make them easier for you to follow through on, it doesn't sound like it could develop into another personality. It may be helpful to also find other things that give you comfort and to practice telling yourself that it will be okay in your own voice. If you start to do that slowly, it may be more comfortable for you. If you're following following through with your own advice, it sounds like some part of you knows that you are making choices that you agree with. What else gives you comfort? Maybe there's a room that you like to be in when you are home or a certain outfit or color that makes you feel good. Focusing on these things may also be comforting to you. " +"My ex-boyfriend and I have been back and forth for over a year now. He's in his late 20s, divorced for like five years now with two kids. He has a lot of narcissistic behaviors. He lies and cheats, but I love him. I've tried to date other people, but I always go back to him."," There are a lot of pieces to the decision of whether to stay or leave. Can you have open conversations about your concerns? Is he able to listen to that? I'm not sure how you know for sure that he lies and cheats, but does he recognize these things as problems? Which part of you is bigger: the part of you that wants to stay or the part of you that wants to leave? Can you consider what you want, wish for, and desire while also considering the same for him? Can he do that for you? " +"My mom and dad got divorced four years ago. I had to finish out the school year with my dad, and now they are deciding which place is best for me. I can't choose. How can I choose if I love both places?"," I don't know how old you are, but depending on that, you may be able to talk with them about spending some time in both places. Even parents who live in different states can do that sometimes. It's not as frequent as spending one week at one house and the next week and the other, but I know that it happens. If you can talk with both of your parents about how you would like to live in both places, maybe you can all work out some kind of agreement. " +"I've tried working out and eating fruits and vegetables, but I always seem to eat the junk in the house."," I know some people do better when they don't have as much junk food in the house. This is not as tempting then. Having said that, maybe you can reward yourself with different things, such as having dessert on certain days. If you are concerned about mostly eating habits, consider seeing a nutritionist. They can help you find the balance between what it is that you really want and your goals. I'm not sure how this links to happiness for you, but hopefully looking at your choices can lead you toward your goal of being healthier. " +I get really mad easily at my parents and family.," Anger is not necessarily a bad thing. If you are angry and you can talk about your feelings, that would be very helpful. Anger usually comes along with something else, like feeling sad, worried, overwhelmed, confused, and many others. Consider looking at what you notice in addition to anger and you may have a different starting point. If you get along well with friends and don't get angry with them, look at the differences. Do you feel criticized by your parents or family? Misunderstood? There could be any number of things. I wonder if you start getting angry very slowly and it builds or if it happens quickly. Try to keep an eye on the patterns and see if you can stop and look at what else is going on as you start to get angry. Anger is a real emotion in itself. It almost always connects to something else as well. " +My daughter is in later elementary school. She can't color in the lines. Her words jumble together when she writes unless there are big spaces or she skips lines.," It's hard to tell from the information that you were able to provide here, but talk with her elementary school a guidance counselor. Someone working with the school (usually a school psychologist) should be able to evaluate her to see if she needs extra help and to tell you more clearly what may be happening. " +"I'm dating a guy I really love. We have our problems, but I could see myself with him long term. But there's this other guy who I've had feelings for for awhile now. He gives me butterflies when we talk, and my heart beats fast when I see he's texted me, which i never felt with my current boyfriend."," There are different types of attraction.  You said that you've never felt this sort of feeling of your heart beating faster with your current boyfriend. Depending on how long you've been together and if you're looking at different ways of making a life together and getting to know each other on a deeper level, that's a different stage in a relationship and sometimes it feels different. Some people look at it as a difference between levels of passion and compassion, but there are many different terms to try to talk about it. Perhaps with this guy that you really love, you could talk about ways to keep things new and different in the relationship. Maybe you can leave notes for each other during the day or have a small surprise at random intervals (maybe an invitation to a picnic, for example). As for the other guy who makes your heart beat faster, what do you see in him? You said you really love the other guy, which is why I'm asking. What do you look for in the person who you want to be with long-term (whoever that is)? " +"I'm starting to think that I might have depression. The thing is though, I'm not exactly sad. I can joke with my friends and stuff, but I've stopped caring about my work, and I've been starting to think that life is pointless. I really have no clue if I need help, or if I'm just tired or something."," It is possible that you have depression, but you could also be experiencing some other changes that mean that you have feelings of being sad without actually being depressed. Your statement makes it sound like you've stopped caring about your work, but you're still going to work and doing your work. It almost sounds like you are dissatisfied with your work. Do you like what you do?  When you said that life is pointless, what makes it that way? What is keeping you going? Is there something you can do each day that you can find meaning in? You mentioned that you are not sure if you need help or are just tired. It sounds like you could certainly benefit from talking with someone about more specifics. I'm curious about how long you have felt this way and if you are aware of anything that is contributing to it. " +"I used to be the funny guy of the group—the class clown, if you will. I used to laugh uncontrollably all the time and be able to be social without it feeling awkward. Now I can't laugh at all, and I'm dead inside."," If you look back to when you feel as though you were the ""funny guy,"" I wonder what is different now? It may be that responsibilities have changed or any number of other things. I don't know whether you're also saying that you feel sad or if you're saying that you feel as though you don't have any big changes in your feelings. A lot of us tend to be really busy, and sometimes we over schedule ourselves to the point that we don't have time to have positive time for ourselves. Sometimes even if we are spending time with friends, we're thinking about work and all of the other things we need to do. I wonder if it feels awkward when you're with friends that you trust in an environment that you are used to. Maybe if that is more comfortable for you, it can be a stepping stone to focusing on how you feel better in those moments. It sounds as if you may have had an experience (or more than one) where you felt misunderstood or criticized and now reacting to people feels awkward. If so, try going back to people you trust. Who do you have support from? " +"I have friends, family, I live in a good home, I go to a nice high school, and I get pretty good grades, but I don't know why I'm so unhappy. These friends are my best friends and they're all amazing people, and yet I'm sad all the time and feel alone."," I wonder if you have moments where you feel happy? You say you have amazing friends. I wonder if you get along with them and feel as though you can be yourself around them. Sometimes we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to do really well at everything all the time and this can be overwhelming sometimes. Where do you have support? I hope you can tell someone that you are feeling sad so that you can talk about your feelings. Sleeping can make a big difference as far as feeling sad as well. If you're not sleeping well at night, that could be a big part of feeling sad a lot. Perhaps you could try to find a person or two who makes you feel totally safe and comfortable and try to talk with them. " +"My fiancée is always letting me know how I am a horrible/evil person, or I just don't care enough when it's about her feeling or when she is having an off day."," One thing you could try is to have a conversation when neither of you is upset so that you learn what makes each of you feel cared for and valued. It could be that you are showing caring in a way that doesn't quite match what she is really looking for in that moment. For example, having an in-depth conversation could be something that you want, but she may just want a hug in that moment.  I don't know if you heard of Gary Chapman's book about love languages, but it may be helpful. " +"I no longer carry expressions on my face, and my emotions are decreasing the more I have fights with my fiancée."," Sometimes when we fight a lot with our partner, it becomes more uncomfortable to share emotions because it feels like it will lead to another flight or disagreement. You could try having a conversation when you're not fighting and starting it out by saying that you would like to discuss something important to you and see if your fiancée is open to that. Something else is that you could have an agreement that if one of you is having a really strong emotions in a difficult conversation and would like to break from the conversation, you could agree (ahead of time) that you'll say that you would like a ""timeout"" and will come back to discuss the issue in a certain amount of time (usually about an hour) and then try to resume the discussion. The reason this can work is it can give you a chance to calm down and then still go back to the discussion rather than not talking about it again. This only works if both of you agree to that before something starts, though. " +"I stopped for a while, but I've started doing it again. It's like an addiction. The more I try to stop, the more I want to do it. I've tried doing some of the stuff they say to do like draw, but it doesn't work."," I've heard people say that they cut themselves as a way to feel relief from different emotions. You're also right that when you try to focus on just not cutting, it becomes more difficult because it's what you are focused on. While that is still something to work on, it may also be helpful to find something else you can do instead. You said drawing doesn't work for you. Sometimes more physical activities, such as doing a few jumping jacks, can be helpful. If you don't exercise, it might be something to talk with your doctor about first. The more you can learn about what makes you want to cut, the easier it will be to find out what you could do to change that. Try talking to somebody about what you are feeling in addition to the urge to cut. " +"When I'm sad and alone, I want to cut myself."," Try doing something physical. If you haven't exercised before, it is a good idea to get your doctor's approval first, but this can be helpful. The more you can find out about when you want to cut, the easier it will be to figure out what else you can do. If you are feeling sad or angry or nervous, look at what is leading up to those feelings and talk to someone about that. You said you are alone. I would see if you can find someone that you can trust to talk with about what you are going through. This could be a parent, a friend, someone at school, a coworker, or any number of other people. " +"She has chronic inflammatory demyelinating polyneuropathy, and I'm her caregiver. All she does is complain, hit me, call me names, and say things happened that didn't. When I tell her, she explodes. I didn't always hate her, but now every little thing she does irritates me, and I don't have the means to live on my own."," It sounds like you are hating some of the things that your mom does rather than hating her. Something you may be able to do is call the area agency on aging for the county where you live and ask for information about having other people help to care for your mom. I don't know how old your mom is, but if she is younger, they would probably have resources to other ways that you could have help. If you are both open to the possibility of someone else helping out, this may help with some of the difficulties between you if you are not spending quite as much time together. Do you think your mom is able to actually recognize how what she does and says affects you? From whom do you have support during all of this? " +She works with a man and always looks at guys that check her out.," I wonder if you are having some of these thoughts related to something that has neither happened directly to you in your past or to someone that you care about. This can often change the way that we look at different situations. Try to look at what feelings, for you when you notice that someone is ""checking her out,"" and perhaps when you have felt these feelings before. If you trust your girl enough to have an open conversation, perhaps you could ask her whether she is willing to talk about something that is important to you. Then you could talk about feelings that you're having. " +"I get an uncontrollable swallowing that is repetitive and then somewhat out of body feeling that lasts no more than a minute or two. It usually happens in bed at night, but I occasionally experience this during the day. I have a benign brain tumor, but the doctor said it is not associated with this."," I'm not entirely sure whether this relates to something in the mental health realm or if there is something else happening. I know you said that your doctor said it is not related to your physical condition, but have you tried speaking with your primary care physician? I've seen people with many different symptoms that end up being related to acid reflux or something of that nature. As far as the out of body experience, there are different stages of sleep, so if this is happening in the middle of the night and you are waking up from a dream, you may not be fully awake when it's going on. These are just some thoughts, but I think talking to your primary care physician would be a great place to start. " +"I know I was molested as a child, but I have no memory of it."," I'm not sure that I have the answer to your question, but I can tell you that it would be helpful to talk with a certified hypnotist. There are a list of them here: http://www.natboard.com/index_files/Page548.htm. You also may want to talk to someone who specializes in EMDR. This stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing and it is a specific trauma treatment. I am not trained in this particular method, but my understanding is that it does not require a lot of knowledge of the origin of the trauma before being started. " +"I think i may suffer from depression, and it is affecting my life and sleep. I am on my parent's insurance, and they won't let me see a therapist because they don't believe in it."," The answer here really depends upon your age and something called the ""age of consent"" in the state where you live. In Pennsylvania, anyone over the age of 14 can provide consent for their own treatment. As for billing purposes, try talking to some local agencies. If you are under 18, you may be able to have Medicaid out of medical necessity so that you can have treatment. If you are over 18, there may be some discounted rates at some agencies because of the situation you're in. Maybe your primary care physician will be able to refer you to some local agencies. If you are in school, you may be able to talk with a guidance counselor or someone at the school. This would not require using your insurance. " +"I feel depressed even though I act like a happy with my family. I act like I'm happy so my son doesn't see me sad. I act like my life is a happy life, but I feel sad and depressed. I sometimes think of killing myself and that my family deserve someone better than me. I just cry and write in my book all these feelings."," It sounds like you have several different things happening at the same time. I would encourage you to call and speak to a local therapist. If you are having thoughts of killing yourself in this moment, please call 800-273-8255 and talk to someone. While I follow that you would like your son to be unaware of what you are going through, that doesn't mean that you can't discuss your feelings with someone else. Who is it that you trust or could speak with about this? A therapist could be one person, but perhaps there is someone else in your life as well. One thing that may help is to find a bead or rock that is smooth and you can hold onto it while thinking of a specific memory where you were happy. This could be from as long ago as necessary as long as it is specific and you can place yourself back in that time when you are thinking about it. If you think about this time while holding onto the bead, the bead may remind you of a time when you felt happy. You could do the same thing for a time when you felt comfortable and safe. Have you recognized any patterns for what is leading you to be sad? Can you think of anything that makes you feel good, even if it only works for a few minutes? " +"Any time my family and friends are in an altercation, I'm the one who steps in. I'm the one they call to fight for them. I do this even though I have a tough time trusting the people I'm fighting for. I'm only in my early 20s."," You could be protective because of things that happened in your past or in the past of the people that you are protecting. A lot of us have natural instincts that we do not want other people to be in pain. For other people, conflict is just hard to watch and/or listen to. As for having a tough time trusting them, that could also relate to past events between you and these other people or it could relate to the conflict that you mentioned. It can be difficult to trust someone deeply when you don't know when the next big fight or argument is going to start. The next time you step in for someone, consider asking yourself what is making you do that? What are you feeling in the moment? " +"Two years ago, I was separated from the military into my contract for medical issues. It has emotionally destroyed me. I now basically hate myself. It's embarrassing to be separated from the one place who takes anyone. My family has been in the armed forces, and it has always been my dream. I can't do this alone anymore, and now my family is even worried."," It sounds like being separated from the armed forces is a major loss for you. It takes some time to work through the emotions related to this and it often takes longer if you are trying to work through it without a lot of support. Is there a task that you were doing during your military service that can in some way transfer into civilian life? I don't know what else your life involves, whether you have close friends or a romantic partner, a career, activities that you like to do, and many other things. You may be able to use some of the things that you still have today as a way to start moving forward in a different direction. Your military service will always be a part of you. Thank you for your service. " +"She's in her early 20s, and she has a toddler."," It may be helpful to first have a discussion about what you are expecting and put a timeframe on it that if she is not doing certain things by a certain date, she will have to leave. If you don't know where she can go, there is probably a list of shelters for the county that you live in. " +Nothing we've tried has worked so far.," intercourseual attraction is often discussed on a continuum. If you are saying that you are not attracted to your girlfriend, you could try changing what you do during intercourseual intimacy. You could also try slowly using nonintercourseual touch and discussing what you each like and would prefer to do more of compared to what is not as desirable. After doing this for nonintercourseual touching, it can also be used with intercourseual touching. Looking at more of what you like or would like to feel may be of help. " +Everything just makes me upset.," Anger often comes with a lot of other emotions. Consider what else you may be feeling at the same time and keep track of your different mood changes. You may be able to notice patterns, such as being more frustrated when you don't sleep well. If you do feel as though you are mad all the time, can you think of any exceptions so you can see what is different in those times? " +"Ever since I was little, I loved the idea of loving someone and spending my whole life with them. I treated everyone nice. For girls I liked, I would spend every second with them. It always ends the same way: “I like you as a friend,” or “I love your attention but not you.”", Attention is often something that is both wanted and sometimes not wanted all the time. Maybe when you're in a relationship with someone you can discuss the amount of attention that you are both comfortable with and/or what you are both looking for as far as amount of connection. +My father is in the hospital and was diagnosed with leukemia. I have been dealing with that all day. My husband keeps getting mad at me for things that I said.," I don't know how long you have been married, but this might be a time to explain to your husband what you wish he could do for you in this moment. It could be that he is showing that he is getting mad at you because he is worried about you and it is just coming out wrong. Maybe he would be open to an honest discussion? " +"My stepdad and I always mess around. I've noticed that whenever he playfully hits me, it's always my butt that he hits. He always comments on my outfits and always scans me head to toe when I walk into a room. I'm a teenager female, and I want to know if this is normal."," It's hard to tell from the way you described it. Do you think he would be open to an honest discussion? It could be that his comments about your outfit are designed to make you feel good or to help them show how much he cares about you as his stepdaughter. As far as scanning you from head to toe, I can think of reasons that parents might do that. I also think that talking about it is probably very important so you really know what his intentions are. That way, it removes the guesswork and you have the opportunity to know what he is thinking and feeling and he can also know what your reactions are. " +"She was diagnosed a type one diabetic two years ago and had a very tough time dealing with it. She has an attachment issue also; her mother just moved to a much nicer home, and she gets angry and demands to go back to her prior home. We do not understand what is going on, and it is driving us crazy."," There are many possible answers here. It could be that she misses friends, that she felt safe in the other house (emotionally safe and comfortable), or dozens of other things. Will she talk about it when she's not mad? You mentioned that she has an attachment issue. It could also be that she was attached to the house. It's not the same as being attached to a person, but possessions and safe places certainly mean a lot. " +"Sometimes, when I look at my pet cat, I think about how innocent he is and how somebody could hurt or kill him. It makes me sad because I love him, but I always think about how helpless he is. There've even been split-seconds where I felt almost tempted to kick him, followed by shame and guilt."," A lot of different things could be happening here. Do you feel angry or sad or anxious when you think about how helpless he is? If you have not actually kicked him, then I would encourage you to look at feelings other than guilt, since you did not hurt him. What else is there? It would probably be very helpful to talk with a therapist about the specifics of this so that you can see what else is happening for you. It could be that you feel safe with your cat, so strong emotions come up because you feel safe. " +"I don't have time to live or take care of myself at times. It's causing depression, stress, and anxiety. I don't know what to do.", I'm not sure whether you are referring to having a lot of activities after school or that homework is overwhelming. Can you set aside a couple hours a week for yourself as a place to start? +"I was a victim of an incident. I've been made fun of and have been beating myself up for it because I don't feel anyone honestly believes me. There are so many other factors I deal with on a daily basis. I ignore my problems when I'm with my friends, but it's scary when I'm alone."," I'm glad you have some time when you're not thinking about your trauma when you're with your friends. As far as feeling scared when you are alone, I'm not sure if you are referring to having flashbacks or thoughts on what happened to you or reminders in the environment around you or something else. One thing that might help is to find a bead or a rock that is smooth that you can hold onto or rub against your hand or fingers. Think of a time when you felt safe, comfortable, happy – basically a positive and safe moment – while holding onto the rock. Then, when you have scary thoughts, you can hold on to the rock and remember the happier place. Try to associate as many happy and safe moments with the rock as you can. " +"I have three siblings. My mom loves them and not me. She's always yelling at me, but when it comes to my siblings, she talks to them. I'm always crying in my room."," Have you ever tried talking with her about this when she's not angry? While I hear you saying that it feels like she doesn't love you, there could be a lot of other pieces to this. Have you ever told her about how much she means to you (when she's not angry)? " +"Over the years, I have slowly lost everything: my jobs, my cars, my freedom, and my money. I am a stay-at-home mom who doesn't make any money, doesn't have a car, never goes out, and cleans all day long everyday."," There are an infinite number of possibilities here. You included a lot of things that you don't have. Is there anyway that you can have some freedom for a few hours a week, at least? A lot of times stay at home moms have groups when they meet at different public places where their children can play together and they can talk together. I don't know how old your child or children is/are, but perhaps going back to work is something that can happen in the future. I wonder if you may consider who you have in your life who can support you. I don't know whether you have a spouse or parents or siblings who could help out with some different things. I wonder if you could consider where you would like to go if you had two or three hours that you could do whatever you wanted? If you can sort out some possible answers to that, maybe you can work together with friends or family to make it happen. Also, again depending on the age of your children, some parents can do things while the children are sleeping, even if you are in the same room. For example, if your children are sleeping for about two hours, maybe 30 minutes of that could be reserved for you and the rest could be for cleaning or other things you need to do. " +"My girlfriend remains friends with ex boyfriends/lovers on Facebook who actively like and comment on posts. It causes me to get jealous because I'm afraid they might reconnect somehow. I've attempted to talk to her about it, but she avoids it and doesn't seem to worry about how I feel about it."," Talking about it would probably be helpful if you're both in a place where you can decide when is best to talk about something that is important. It may also be helpful to ask if you could talk for two or three minutes to make a point and then have space for her to talk for the same amount of time. You can adjust the timing for what works for both of you. After one of you is talking, perhaps you could restate what you have heard the person say. This can lessen confusion. I know you say that she avoids it. It might be a good place to start talking about it – to see what makes her avoid it. It could be that she thinks any discussion about them is going to lead to an argument or you saying that she can't talk to them. I don't know how you typically react when you are jealous, but if you can discuss talking about this in a way that you are both open to hearing what the other person is experiencing, that may be helpful as well. " +"I'm not the same anymore, I don't know how to get back to who I am. I'm sad and confused and angry and tired. I don't sleep well."," Being tired can really affect almost everyone's ability to work through things that make them sad, confused, or angry, among other emotions. If you're having difficulty sleeping, try to get into a habit of going to bed and waking up close to the same time every day. Also consider only using the bed for sleeping so your brain knows that it's time to sleep when you are in bed. If you are not sleeping while you are in bed, consider getting up and reading a book or doing something to make you tired before going back to bed. Hopefully you'll be able to establish a pattern. Sometimes sadness and other emotions make sleeping very difficult as well. Try keeping track of your moods to see what is leading up to the changes. If you're still struggling, consider talking with a therapist about the specifics and/or maybe talking with your primary care physician. There are natural sleep remedies that he or she may recommend for you. " +"I'm in my early 20s, and I've been seeing my boyfriend for a year now. My boyfriend has always been the sweetest guy until recently. He has made comments such as “you would look better as a Tumblr girl"" or ""you should start doing more squats."" It's really hurtful."," My first thought was that I wondered what changed recently. Is he open to having a discussion about this so you can ask questions such as that one? It's possible that he does not understand the degree to which it hurts you. Try asking if there is a time that would be good to have a discussion that is important. I don't know how well the two of you have communicated over the last year, but if you are concerned about this turning into an argument, you may consider asking him to just listen to your point of view and see if he is able to summarize it correctly. Then you can listen to his side of the concern. " +"I try to do everything right just so we won't argue, and it doesn't help the only time he is calm is when he is drinking alcohol. I get anxiety over having fights with him."," Because of the way that you say your boyfriend is only calm when he is drinking and you have concerns about flights, it would probably be most helpful for you to speak with a local therapist so you can have specific conversations about what happens during these fights. When you do ""everything right,"" are you saying that you don't argue? It sounds a bit as though you are trying to read each other's mind without being able to communicate effectively. I recommend working on this with a therapist, though (even if you end up going without your boyfriend to sessions), so that you can talk about specific strategies and what you can do when he is not calm. " +"I'm in my early 20s. My ex's parents are friends with them and have told them bad things about me. I left my ex due to an abusive situation, and they are making me look like I was the bad one."," Maybe you can talk with your partner about this first look at the different elements of a possible conversation in the future. If you are at a place where you are willing or able to disclose the reason that you left your ex, that could be one element of the discussion, but it doesn't have to be. I don't know how long we have been together with your current partner, but perhaps his or her parents would see you for who you are and make their own opinions over time. That may be a discussion to have with them as well. Hopefully your partner will be a good sounding board before these conversations. " +"I'm in a relationship with my child's father. I'm a really jealous person. We don't go out or do anything with other people because of me. To keep our relationship going, I know I have to stop being jealous, but I can't. How can I get over these issues?"," It may be important to look at this as getting through something rather than ""getting over it."" If you're aware of the reasons why you are jealous, I don't know if they relate to this relationship or a previous one, but you could remind yourself of the differences if your feelings of jealousy relate to something from your past. Also, it may be beneficial to have a conversation with your child's father if you are both open to having a discussion about this in a way that you summarize what each other is saying so you are sure that you are understanding each other, at least to some degree. Also, consider what you may want from your child's father to assist you with this. You cannot make him do anything to support you with this, but you can certainly ask. What is something you could start or stop doing to move you toward your goal? " +"I'm depressed and recently went through a break up. It's like every guy I like only wants me for intercourse. I think I'm ugly, and sometimes I just want to die. I have a son, and I got really big when I was pregnant. I have stretch marks on my stomach."," If you are currently feeling as if you want to die, please call 800-273-8255 and talk to someone. One way to work on not always thinking so negatively about yourself is to surround yourself with people who are more positive toward you. Do you have friends or family who are supportive? Can you find one part of you that you do not think is ugly? If your stretch marks are still bothering you, talk with a pharmacist or your primary care physician. Sometimes there are creams or lotions you can use to decrease stretch marks and they should be able to guide you in the right direction. You mentioned mostly physical things here. I wonder if you can find one small thing each day that is going right and build from there. Perhaps your son makes you smile? " +"I'm feeling rejected and frustrated. This is not new. The first month we were together, intercourse was about every day. Then it slowed down to once a month right away. I love my husband, but I am struggling with this."," Have you said anything to your husband about the way you're feeling? Start with this. intercourse is after all, a two person enterprise. If he would like to talk about the way you're feeling, great and wonderful.  The two of you already are continuing to grow trust in your communication and relationship. If he doesn't want to talk about how you're feeling, then you're facing a different problem Your feelings are real and need to be handled. If you end up facing your feelings of frustration about your husband not wanting to have intercourse with you, on your own, then does your husband give you a truthful sounding reason as to why not? Ask what explains his disinterest in having intercourse with you. If he doesn't want to address this question, then you are a little further down the rung of trust and care about you. Depending on how satisfied you are with his answers, will guide you on how much dissatisfaction you can live with and why, longterm. " +I am pretty sure I have depression and anxiety. I also have voices in my head. I have problems sleeping too. I've already been diagnosed with attention-deficit disorder and obsessive-compulsive disorder. I have self-harmed in the last and used to be suicidal. How do I tell them this and ask for therapy?," What stops you now from telling your parents the way you are feeling? Do you imagine asking them for therapy would be a surprise for them? If they're paying attention to you at all, then I imagine they'd feel relief to know you're aware of having some feelings within yourself of a problem. If you believe they'd have a negative reaction to you asking for help, this may very well be part of why you are having problems in the first place. What reaction did your parents have when you were diagnosed with the other conditions? I'd separate their willingness to help you from your sense of needing help. If they do not want to help with finding a therapist for you, then start by looking for services available for people in your age group whose parents also do not wish to be involved in their child's emotional and psychological health. " +I was born a girl. I look like a boy. I sometimes feel like a different variation of gender. I don't know what to say if someone asks my gender. I just get really confused and usually say my birth gender.," It is ok to tell someone who is casually asking about your gender, what is written on your birth certificate.  Measure the significance of your answer to the significance of the person who is asking you the question. In addition, you are stating the simple truth, so there's nothing wrong with stating what is on your birth certificate. Do you understand the reason of why people are asking about your gender? It is not a common question, so I wonder about the context in which this happens. The whole field of gender identity is extremely popular now. Popular usually means people are swept into a trend just because it is in the air, not because they've given the time and seriousness to thoughtfully consider if the trend has anything to do with them personally. Keep open minded to who you are, including if you are truly a different gender than the one you're born into. It is a very complicated question and lately people, especially teens, are answering it much more rapidly than seems possible to fully consider. " +"I'm trying to make marriage work after a split. Before our split, he lied a lot and broke every promise to me. I don't think he cheated. Last month, I asked what women work with him, so he told me. Yesterday, I found out about a girl that he said he forgot about. Should I be upset?"," Are you upset, is the more pertinent question. Everyone has their own tolerance for lies and their unique reasons for being married.  Trust your own answers to the question you ask here. Also, think over the value of your marriage in your life and whether you are able to live with the unstable sense of trust that you have in your husband. Remember too, that if you are the only partner who is trying to make the marriage work, then your job is much harder than if your husband actively participated in making the marriage happier for the couple. " +I am becoming a Water Safety Instructor but I didn't have enough for a proper swimsuit. I was told by a boy in class that my top was displaying everything. I was very embarrassed.," Everybody does something or a few things in their life which looking back, the person wishes they hadn't. The key to feeling better is to realize that as long as you learn something for the future from your mistake, then you will be doing all that any human being is capable of doing. Your mistake sounds genuine, not that you were deliberately trying to create a stir or harm yourself or anyone. Now that this student in your class pointed out your mistake, you will learn to notice the appearance of your swimwear. Put in context that feeling foolish for doing something embarrassing means that overall, you generally do most activity in your life, in non-foolish ways. The incident would only bother someone who generally is responsible.  The mistake is a contrast with what is usual behavior for you. I hope you'll enjoy swimsuit shopping and find a beautiful bargain! " +"We have been together over a year. We spend time together every day no matter how busy. He started to be unusually fatigued and losing weight. He also began to be distant and intercourseually selfish. We had a argument, and he confided he has late stage stomach cancer. He wont treat it."," I wonder if both you and your boyfriend could have a conversation about what you both want, wish for, and desire from one another right now. That doesn't necessarily mean that your partner will give everything that you ask for, but this is one of the ways that he can learn more about what would help you through this and you can learn how you could support him, since traditional medical treatment is not something he wants. You may also consider using some open-ended questions (not yes or no answers) to talk about what you're feeling about both about his cancer and about your relationship. Both of you may discuss different ways that you would like support from one another. I would also see if he was comfortable with you disclosing this to one or a few of your close friends (with him considering doing the same) so that you both have support that includes each other and also includes others because there may be days when you both have a negatively emotional day at the same time and would benefit from talking with someone else. It may also be a matter of conversation to discuss what makes you happy together and use those positive moments to help move through more difficult ones. " +"Maybe this is a stupid question, but I sometimes don't know what's real or not. If feel at times like everyone's lying. How do I know if God is one of those lies?"," Your question is actually thoughtful and reflects a true interest to know more about life. No one knows if god is a lie because ""god"" is a concept in which people either make up their own definition of this concept, or believe one of the concepts of what god is, handed down by religions. All the religions exclude the other god concepts, and expect loyalty to believing in their particular version of ""god"". Probably god is real in the sense that most people want to believe there is guided purpose to what goes on in life. This is as definite as what we can know about ""god"". ""God"" is not a lie because it is not a fact.  Beliefs aren't provable.  " +"Maybe this is a stupid question, but I sometimes don't know what's real or not. If feel at times like everyone's lying. How do I know if God is one of those lies?","Thanks for posting.  This is a significant issue for many people and can make us feel helpless; among other emotions due to the uncertainty.  You said that, at times, you feel like everyone is lying. Ask yourself some of these questions.  What is it that makes you feel so strongly that they are lying?  Where is the concrete evidence that they are lying? How could I test my thoughts about this? What if things are not what they seem on the surface? Am I any lesser of a person as a result of this person's behavior or opinion?  Our beliefs about ourselves and the people and our world  and how we interpret information and experiences have a significant effect on how we feel and how we behave.  It is important to objectively challenge the beliefs that contribute to negative emotions.  You can start this process by answering some of the above questions.  We are unfortunately influenced by what and who we associate with.  As it pertains to if God is a lie; be honest with yourself and question your beliefs that tell you that God is or is not real.  It may be helpful for you to speak to a preacher or chaplain of some sort and they can help you with a lot of that.  Hope this helps at least a little bit.  " +"I can't seem to feel any emotion except anxiety, not even for myself."," Thank you for posting.  I'm interested to hear some more information; such as, if you live by yourself or family, if you go to school/employed/unemployed, and what kind of things do you like to do with friends or by yourself.  Often times, when we are experiencing a strong emotion that we interpret as negative, we put most of our focus on that negative emotion and struggle to see that we do not always feel that specific emotion.  There are typically points in the day (even if it is for only in 1 minute intervals) when we do not feel that negative emotion.  When we overgeneralize, we use words like ""always"" or ""never"" and when we use those words and it may not be totally true, we feel the negative emotion based on an inaccuracy which is not fair to you.  Ask yourself some of these questions: Am I being realistic when I'm overgeneralizing things? Have I ever noticed a short period of time that I wasn't feeling anxious?  What do I notice when I am feeling anxious? What am I thinking about?  When was the last time I felt empathy?  What was different when I was able to feel empathy?  Hopefully this helps get you started.   " +"Maybe this is a stupid question, but I sometimes don't know what's real or not. If feel at times like everyone's lying. How do I know if God is one of those lies?"," There are an infinite number of ways to look at this. Spirituality, religion, God, higher power, and many other parts of this discussion mean different things to different people. My question for you is what does ""real"" actually mean to you? Often, the concept of God has to do with what you believe in. If you ask 1000 different people, you'll probably get almost that many different answers. Consider talking with friends or family about this. I would suggest, though, that you have the discussion initially with people who you trust and who you feel are willing to listen to your questions and beliefs and perhaps offer an opinion without trying to make you believe as they do. You may also consider speaking with a pastor or another religious figure. The local Salvation Army may have a link to a religious or spiritual person that leads nondenominational church services. There may be able to help you to sort through this if your friends and family do not provide a comfortable environment for you related to this discussion. Just a word of caution. In my experience, ideas of religion and spirituality can be lead to very deep discussions with some people who are very strongly connected to what they believe. Some people do not easily separate their own beliefs from those of others. When initiating conversations about this, try first asking whether someone would be comfortable discussing religion or spirituality. A second question may be whether it is okay with this person you are talking to if you have different beliefs or opinions. As far as whether God is real or not, consider trusting yourself and what you learn, feel, and believe as you work through this process. " +"I have known I was always different. This year, in December, I found out that I never felt female. I did research and have identified myself as male but don't know how to tell my dad."," Hello, and thank you for your question. This is certainly a tough spot. I have a few thoughts and perhaps some colleagues will add some things. You may want to spend a few minutes calling to mind any conversations that you have had with your father about transgender issues, or if you have ever heard him talk about it. That may give you a small clue about how well he may accept this news from you. For example, if he has been watching the news lately, transgender rights is something that is being talked about a lot. Has he had an opinion? This won't tell you for sure if he would be okay with learning you are transgender, but at least you would know if there is hostility toward transgender people. To tell you the truth, the best way to tell your dad is whatever way feels right to you. There is no right or wrong way, best or worst. If you want to tell him when you are by yourself with him? That's perfect. Want to have a friend with you for support? Equally perfect. Whatever thing you need to do. And, of course, there is always the option of not telling him anything until you are comfortable doing so. Unfortunately, the response from your dad can't be predicted. Some parents are totally cool.... others not so much. This is one reason why having someone with your for support is sometimes a good idea. If things get heated, you have someone in your corner. There are therapists who specialize in affirmative therapy, and they may be very helpful to you in working out how you want to tell him. You can also Google some stories about how others came out. I refer many people to the www.letsqueerthingsup.com blog. It is a popular blog written by a trans man that I know. He writes on many topics related to trans issues. Hope some of these suggestions help. Be well... be you.. and good luck! Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC " +"Maybe this is a stupid question, but I sometimes don't know what's real or not. If feel at times like everyone's lying. How do I know if God is one of those lies?"," The way that I see it is that Humans have always been afraid of life and death, historically we have always tried to understand life, we try to organize it, categorize it, explore it, and we've built up this system, our system and societies system around us to help us define what life and (death) is, this system or way is not real but only a perception of our own value judgements, it is, no matter how you try to argue it, a false system of conditioning, humans have a finite mind and a finite mind cannot ever hope to understand an infinite mind of which a god would be. God has been developed over time as a security blanket for our child-like selves, the world is a beautifully brutal place and what is more reassuring than a master that will take care of us and show us the way. On Earth alone there are thousands of gods and even many more systems of thought, economics, societal structures and so on, it is almost as though it were a supermarket with so many choices, we have more choices in gods than we do flavors of ice cream at Baskin-Robbins, so then I ask you, ""which one is real?, and ""what is real?"" " +"I'm feeling rejected and frustrated. This is not new. The first month we were together, intercourse was about every day. Then it slowed down to once a month right away. I love my husband, but I am struggling with this."," This could have many different origins. Have you tried asking him about it? Sometimes starting with asking whether he would be open to having an important discussion can be a good beginning. If that starts well, perhaps continuing with something like ""I've noticed that we haven't been together intimately (or whatever phrasing works for you) as much lately. Can you tell me more about what it's like for you?"" When asking questions like this, it usually helpful to not overuse (and perhaps try to avoid using) the word ""why."" That word tends to trigger really strong emotional reactions in people. Try starting with ""what makes"" Instead. For example, ""what made you choose not to do that?"" " +I was born a girl. I look like a boy. I sometimes feel like a different variation of gender. I don't know what to say if someone asks my gender. I just get really confused and usually say my birth gender.," If you're feeling like your gender is different than the gender you are born with, and there are many different terms to help describe that. Gender is actually looked at on a spectrum. Transgender is just one of those terms, but looking at the information here may help: http://www.transequality.org/about-transgender. I'm not saying that you should use the term transgender to describe yourself because that may not accurately describe what you are experiencing, but I'm just trying to point you to some more resources. As for what to say to someone who asks your gender, that becomes a question with a lot of different parts. This is probably something that would be best talked out with someone else who you trust. I don't know whether that is your family, friends, and mental health professional, and member of the clergy, or someone else. There are many different things than you could say and they are all related to how much you already to share with other people about how you feel regarding your gender. Generally, I would suggest it would be important to become comfortable with how you feel yourself and possibly tell some people whom you really trust first. Also consider that once you tell someone something, it's not possible to undo it, so if you tell someone, they may tell someone else. Then there is also the matter of people having very different reactions related to different genders and not everyone will be supportive. I hope that you are able to surround yourself with some people who are willing to understand and work through this with you so that you have some ideas how to react if you come across someone who does not understand. Please remember that there is always someone to talk with. " +I am pretty sure I have depression and anxiety. I also have voices in my head. I have problems sleeping too. I've already been diagnosed with attention-deficit disorder and obsessive-compulsive disorder. I have self-harmed in the last and used to be suicidal. How do I tell them this and ask for therapy?," If you have already been diagnosed with attention-deficit disorder and obsessive-compulsive disorder, can you go back to the people who diagnosed you with those things? It may be that your parents would be open to you talking with someone because it sounds like you have done this in the past. I don't know whether you have a specific reason that you are thinking they may have some hesitation, but if you are comfortable saying that you would really like to talk to someone because you are feeling sad or anxious (or whichever of your concerns you feel comfortable revealing to them), that may be a way to start the process. As for how you tell them about the fact that you have harmed yourself in the past and used to be suicidal, a therapist may be able to work together with you to discuss the best way to tell them about that. I'm not sure if you have told anyone about what you have been experiencing, but if you have some support there, perhaps they would be able to give you feedback about ways to talk with your parents as well. You mentioned that sometimes you hear voices. This can happen for a variety of reasons, but if the voices that you hear are giving you directions and you feel as though you might follow them, that would be a time to ask for immediate help, before you follow through with what they are telling you, perhaps by calling 800-273-8255. They may be able to connect you with local resources and they can definitely talk with you in the moment that you call. " +"I have been falling into a deep depression where I can no function during the day and night. The only time I am at peace is when I'm asleep. If I am with friends, family, at work, and mainly alone, I cannot think straight. I no longer feel like myself."," I don't know how long ago your breakup was, but I would suggest that you reach out to friends or family that you trust and perhaps a local mental health clinician. I'm not sure what you mean when you say that you are not able to function during the day and night. If you are having trouble sleeping for more than a few nights, consider talking with your primary care physician. Not sleeping can really make changes in your emotions seem much larger. Can you find anything in your life that is the same as it was before the breakup? This may be a starting point for you. I wonder if you could think of and moment or two each day when you feel emotionally at peace while you are awake. Also consider looking at things that you can control, such as when you choose to wear, eat, and who you talk to about your deepest feelings. You mentioned that you have friends and family. I wonder if any of them are supportive to you. Please reach out and talk to someone about the details. I get the sense that you feel that you are alone in this, and having someone there to help you sort out what you're feeling sounds like it would be a gift to yourself.  " +"I can't seem to feel any emotion except anxiety, not even for myself."," Empathy usually falls on a spectrum, meaning that some people show more than others. Empathy is the ability to look at the world through someone else's eyes or ""walk a mile in their shoes."" There could be some people in your life for whom empathy is easier to feel and those for whom you have no idea what they are experiencing. Empathy is not usually categorized as an emotion, but as something related to emotions. For example, you could have empathy about someone's anxiety. I'm not sure whether you are also referring to the idea that you don't have sympathy for yourself or others. That's a different concept, but also involves different degrees. When you say you don't have emotion except anxiety, I wonder if you are saying that you have anxiety all the time and it may be covering up other emotions? If you are experiencing a lot of anxiety, try to look at what it connects to and find something that changes your focus for a few minutes. This could be any number of activities, such as watching TV, cooking, reading a book, or many other options. If you are feeling as if you are just going through the motions and not having a lot of emotions about anything, if it's just been a few days, it may just be related to a current stress that will lessen in a few days. If it has been quite a while, consider tracking your mood and looking at when you do notice changes in your emotions. There may be some variations that you are not aware of. If you continue to feel anxious and as if you don't have as many emotions as you would like, consider talking with your primary care physician or a local therapist. " +"For the past four weeks, I've been having nightmares and hearing voices telling me of horrible things. They're not random voices, but rather, the voices of those I care about."," Write down your nightmares and discuss them with an analyst or psychotherapist who specializes in dreams, as I do. If you are hearing voices while awake, see a doctor right away.  If the voices are strictly in your dreams, do call for therapy and talk to your caring others about what's happening. " +How can I get to a place where I can be content from day to day?, It's important to take a look inside and see what's going on with you to cause you to have these feelings.  Please contact us in whatever way is most comfortable for you and we can get you set up with someone who will help you figure out this space in your life. +"For the past four weeks, I've been having nightmares and hearing voices telling me of horrible things. They're not random voices, but rather, the voices of those I care about.", It's important to take a look inside and find out why you are experiencing these feelings. It could anything and it will change your life to know what your particular issue or trigger is. Please contact us a call with the method that is most comfortable for you. +"I am so terrified of having intercourse anymore because I have been told over and over that intercourse is dangerous even though me and my partner used both forms of protection. My partner is not happy about this and simply wants more intercourse, and honestly, I want to give that to her.", Alot of our choices have to do with what we have been taught and partly our fear of trusting ourselves to do what is right. There is so much more going on within you than you realize. We can help you bring it to the surface. Please contact us when you can and in whatever way you can to discuss what's going on with you. +"He said he would try and he never did. It's been nine months, and this is making me worse. Today, he said I have to respect whatever decision he makes. Is that true? Am I supposed to respect the decision to leave because he can't handle what I'm going through and leaves me here crying and worried every night? He's constantly changing his mind on if he wants to work it out.","When you are at your lowest, you have an opportunity to learn not just about the people around you and who you can depend on, but also, so much about yourself and why you have come to the place that you have. Take this time to do some introspection and learn yourself. It will give you the power to recover from whatever it is that has broken you. We'd love to talk with you. Please contact us sometime." +"I love him, but he doesn't show me love. He talks badly about me to his friends."," What you are describing is a state of abandonment like no other; a direct lack of respect. The challenge here is: you cannot control another person no matter how hard you try. The only person that you have control of is yourself. So then the question that this reality poses is: What are you willing to change? If you love yourself and know that you have tremendous value, if you can see what you bring to a relationship and that you deserve respect and love and tenderness, then you will get to a point where you will settle for nothing less than that. The change that might be necessary in yourself is to change the way you see yourself, the way you treat yourself and what you accept. Your husband also needs to change and that is something only he can do for himself but reaching out to get help as well. It would be helpful for you both to get help because there is damage on both parts. You have much more power than you realize and talking with someone can help you to hone that power and make a difference in your own life. Sometimes, the difference/change can be walking away from a bad situation or it can simply be changing your attitude and raising the bar. Sometimes our loved ones come with us on the elevation, and sometimes they get left behind.  You must do some deep introspection through therapy to get to the point where you can answer this question for yourself. " +"He said he would try and he never did. It's been nine months, and this is making me worse. Today, he said I have to respect whatever decision he makes. Is that true? Am I supposed to respect the decision to leave because he can't handle what I'm going through and leaves me here crying and worried every night? He's constantly changing his mind on if he wants to work it out."," If your husband is changing his mind about whether or not he wants to stay in the relationship, I wonder if you both might benefit from seeing a therapist who specializes in couples. In my training working with couples, partners come into counseling with one of three goals in mind: strengthening the relationship, getting a divorce, or making a decision. The decision could be whether or not stay together or it could be any number of other things, such as what state to live in. When you ask whether you have to respect whatever decision he makes, respecting his decision does not mean that you have to agree with what he decides. While you do not have the power to change his decision, he also does not have the power to change yours or how you feel about it. Having said that, if he is changing his mind a lot, chances are that the only decision he has made is that he needs to make a decision. Weighing the options of an important decision (any type of important decision) can be anxiety-producing its own right. The fact that you said you were diagnosed with severe depression leads me to believe that you are already seeing a therapist. Perhaps he or she can assist you in navigating through this. I'm wondering how you feel when you are around your husband. I'm not sure whether you are saying that having him there is a source of comfort for you or that it leads you to feel more sad. Maybe it is a little bit of both. " +"For the past four weeks, I've been having nightmares and hearing voices telling me of horrible things. They're not random voices, but rather, the voices of those I care about."," Are you in the middle of extreme emotional pressure right now? Or, is someone with whom you're close, under stress or somehow suffering? Dreams and nightmares are when our feelings and pressures we feel, try working themselves out without logic and language. Even though the nightmares are horrible, they are one way your psyche is trying to come to terms w extraordinary difficulty in your life or someone's life whom you feel greatly attached. " +"I am so terrified of having intercourse anymore because I have been told over and over that intercourse is dangerous even though me and my partner used both forms of protection. My partner is not happy about this and simply wants more intercourse, and honestly, I want to give that to her."," Maybe you'll feel less fear by understanding that whoever told you intercourse was dangerous, was wrong. If this message came from your upbringing, then it may a deeply embedded belief. Since the belief itself instructs to avoid risk, and overturning this belief requires taking the risk to believe the logic that reasonable safe intercourse measures are adequate protection, give yourself time to absorb this new understanding. Talk w your partner about your psychological difficulty bc their patience will help you. " +I am becoming a Water Safety Instructor but I didn't have enough for a proper swimsuit. I was told by a boy in class that my top was displaying everything. I was very embarrassed.," First I think we have to acknowledge that you are doing something amazing.  You are putting yourself out there and becoming a Water Safety Instructor.   We often times will focus on the negative and forget about the positive.  Next, you had an incident where someone pointed something out which may have caused embarrassment.  Whether or not it was malicious on his part I think the important thing to focus on is what is called ""Common Humanity"".  Common Humanity is one of the three elements of self-compassion.  Common humanity essentially recognizes that suffering and personal inadequacy is part of the shared human experience.  While you may have had this embarrassing moment at this time, that boy may have had an embarrassing moment another day.  We all have embarrassing moments.  When we recognize that we do not suffer in isolation then we are able to move past that suffering.  Additionally another element to self-compassion is self-kindness.  My question is why must you forgive yourself?  Rather, be kind to yourself for learning an amazing new talent.  " +"He said he would try and he never did. It's been nine months, and this is making me worse. Today, he said I have to respect whatever decision he makes. Is that true? Am I supposed to respect the decision to leave because he can't handle what I'm going through and leaves me here crying and worried every night? He's constantly changing his mind on if he wants to work it out."," The fact that you mention that he is ""constantly changing his mind on if he wants to work it out,"" suggests that Discernment Counseling might be a really good fit for you both. Discernment counseling is a protocol for partners where one or both aren't certain they want to remain in the relationship. It's a brief (1-5 sessions) and intentionally focused on helping partners talk through (primarily individually) their reasons for and against staying in the relationship - as well as confront their own contributions that lead to the relationship crisis. It's aimed at helping the couple reach a clear understanding of which path they are going to take, not asking anyone to change just yet, so it can be a lot less intimidating and more to the point than couples therapy.  You can look to find a local therapist providing this service here.  That said, I agree with other respondents that if he is deciding to leave, seeking out support for yourself would be incredibly helpful. You may need to accept his decision, but you can certainly feel whatever emotions you have.  You are allowed to feel exactly how you feel, and it's likely you'll be sad, or angry or hurt or disappointed or scared, or any combination of any/all of those. Having someone there who can validate those emotions and help you to process the grief that naturally comes with the end of a relationship can be a huge help in finding a place of healing and regaining a sense of self, a sense of hope.  " +I've been like this ever since I was in school; back then I transferred to another school. Now I'm thinking about changing my job.," There's a quote I love that says, ""Wherever you go, there you are"" and the book by the same name by Jon Kabat-Zinn may be very helpful for you. The thing about changing things up when they get tough is that they often aren't the things that need changing. The awesome (and challenging) thing about it is that when you work on the internal aspects that may need attention, you can learn to find a sense of centeredness that comes with practicing mindfulness and asking yourself who you really are and want to be. Through this deeper work, you can actually be in the midst of chaos and still feel that calm and peace within yourself. If you look for support in this journey from a counselor or therapist, I'd recommend looking for someone offering Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) or Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (MCBT). Also helpful may be the online program of Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MSBR) found here. There are in-person programs across the country, but this online self-guided version is free and a great resource! " +I've been like this ever since I was in school; back then I transferred to another school. Now I'm thinking about changing my job.," Sometimes changes make sense. It may be helpful to talk to someone who you trust to get a sense of whether the changes that you are making are those that are considered adaptable or important changes that allow us all to grow. Another possibility is that you are changing things in an effort to get away from something that is uncomfortable or difficult. There are many other possibilities along this continuum. I would ask you to consider the following: What is leading you to want to change your job? What feelings are associated with this change? (Happy, sad, scared, anxious/nervous, confused, motivated, etc.) How is the job that you are looking to transfer to going to be better or different? Are the concerns that you have now going to travel with you? If you are hesitating to get another perspective (from trusted friends or family or some sort of career advisor in your area), where is the hesitation coming from? " +"For the past four weeks, I've been having nightmares and hearing voices telling me of horrible things. They're not random voices, but rather, the voices of those I care about."," I would recommend that you talk with a mental health professional near you about the details so you can have some really specific support for what you are going through. I don't know if you can understand when the voices are saying, but I wonder how you feel about what you are hearing? If the voices are just at night, is it possible that they are part of a nightmare or a dream?  If you recall your nightmares, consider writing them down so that you can remember their content and work with a mental health professional to look for patterns. One thing that may help you while you are awake is to try to stay connected to the room you're in. For example, take time to notice your feet on the floor, hips in the chair, and shoulders against the back of the chair. You can also try mindfulness techniques, such as noticing what is around you or changing your breathing patterns. These ideas may help in the meantime prior to having more specific ideas from someone near you. Thanks for reaching out! " +"I am so terrified of having intercourse anymore because I have been told over and over that intercourse is dangerous even though me and my partner used both forms of protection. My partner is not happy about this and simply wants more intercourse, and honestly, I want to give that to her."," I would suggest possibly talking with a physician about all the different types of protection. They may be able to help you to know about all of the options that are available. It sounds like your partner is open to understanding your concerns. Perhaps until you have the chance to speak with someone about the effectiveness of different contraception and forms of protection, are either of you open to other forms of engaging in intercourseual intimacy (without penetration, but with use of vibrators, toys designed for intercourseual interactions, etc.)? " +"I have cheated on my husband of five years roughly ten times. I pretend we aren't married at my work. Recently, he has caught on, but I lie to cover it. He use to talk to girls online, but I have caught myself constantly having a affair."," It may be helpful to have this emotionally impactful conversation in the context of couples therapy. Whether or not you should get a divorce is not the first question that comes to mind for me, but more along the lines of do you want to be together and what kind of relationship do you want to create? For some people, polyamorous relationships (those involving more than two people) are acceptable. This does not work for everyone, but if each of you agree that that is okay, it may work for you and your husband. If it is something that you are both open to, it is often beneficial to have more than one discussion about the details of what is acceptable for each of you. If you want to be devoted only to each other, what does that lifestyle look like for each of you? What can you start or stop doing right now to move your relationship in that direction? Neither of you can make the other partner change. That does not mean you cannot talk about what each of your goals are together and support each other in working toward those goals you have for yourselves. Sometime having discussions like these is easier when there is a structure and/or someone in the room (like a therapist) who can help keep the conversation on topic and work on having each of you communicate in a way that expresses your wants, wishes, and desires in a way that is not blaming of your partner. If either of you wants a divorce, that could be part of the discussion. Divorce is not the only choice here, depending upon what each of you wants and is willing to accept, learn, and grow from as it relates to yourself and your partner. " +How can I get to a place where I can be content from day to day?," One thing that comes to mind is making a list of some things that happen each day. It could be that there are things that are affecting how upset you are, but because so many other things are going on, you may not notice. Another idea to try is to keep a list for a month of one good thing that happened each day. This way, when you're having a rough day, you have a list to think of and take a look at. Are you eating and sleeping in ways that are typical for you (typically at least two meals per day and roughly 8 hours of sleep that night (may be different depending on your age)? These two ideas are closely related to changes in your mood. From where do you have support? Friends or family? Can you take 5 or 10 minutes per day to do something that you enjoy? If you think back to the last time that you felt ""content,"" what was contributing to that? Another possibility is to try to be mindful of things that you do every day. For example, rather than eating a turkey sandwich as fast as possible on your lunch break, consider actually tasting it and enjoying it. Also consider giving yourself praise for doing something well. For example, when you finish your paperwork, take a moment to notice that and maybe reward yourself by checking your e-mail, reading five pages of a book, or something else that can be done quickly before you get back to your next task. " +"I have anxieties about everyday stressors, i.e. finances, work, relationships, kids, and maintaining a household."," Something to remember about anxiety is that it's a useful and necessary response to stressors, and we all have a level of anxiety that falls somewhere on the spectrum from very slight to very overwhelming. Anxiety is our brain's way of prompting us to deal with the stress in our lives by getting us geared up for action.  Some helpful ways of managing anxiety are actually very simple. The first I'd recommend is a calm breathing technique - breathe in for 4-5 seconds, and then out for 7-8 seconds. Try to repeat this for 3-5 minutes. Another suggestion is to pay closer attention in the moments you feel the physical symptoms of anxiety and see if you can describe - without judging - the sensations to yourself. Try to be very specific, such as ""my palms are feeling very sweaty, and I can feel the slight tightness and fluttering in my belly of the butterflies."" Then try to sit with these sensations without deciding if they are good or bad - just experiencing them as intentionally as possible.  Combining the calm breathing with this technique can also be very helpful.  If you feel that these techniques don't help and your anxiety about everyday stressors are inhibiting you from being able to engage in life the way you want to, then I'd highly recommend going for an assessment or even just consultation with a professional. This professional can help you determine if therapy/counseling would be helpful for you to develop additional skills for managing those interfering anxiety symptoms. " +"I have bipolar disorder, paranoid personality disorder, posttraumatic stress disorder, anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorder. I last self-harmed a week ago. When I am stressed, overwhelmed, hurt, or angry, the urge to self-harm is all I can think of. I am trying to seek help."," Seeking professional help does not mean that you will necessarily be admitted into an inpatient setting - though  to be honest, that can become an option if you feel unsafe or if you are unable to plan for safety. However, many clients who struggle with self-harm can find help in outpatient settings - particularly those which offer a treatment called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT). Looking for a DBT professional or group therapy setting may be particularly helpful, but a skilled professional can help you to figure out how to identify other options even when you are experiencing overwhelming emotions.  Without knowing your location, I also recommend searching to find your local helpline or suicide prevention hotline. The volunteers on the other end of the line can be very helpful even if your intention is not suicide and they are likely also to be able to connect you with resources in your area. Calling into the helpline may also be a first step alternative to self-harming when you're feeling overwhelmed.  " +"I have suffered many things at home and school. We never went to the doctor to diagnose depression or anything like that, but I always feel like a part of my heart is missing. I try to fill it in with objects or, in this case, a woman."," There are a lot of ways to look at this. It sounds as if there is a part of you that is looking for support. I wonder what it is that you feel when you're not in a relationship? Because of the way you asked the question, I'm getting the impression that you are referring to romantic relationships. I wonder if you have close friendships that could form a network to help with this when you are not romantically involved with someone. Even when you are in a relationship with a romantic partner, having friends is still an important element. I wonder if you could also notice what changes for you inside of yourself (as far as emotions) when you move from not being in a relationship to being in one. Perhaps you could take a look at what you value about yourself. In general, it is natural for people to want to be in relationships with others (in this case, relationship has many meanings and degrees). Most of us enjoy sharing elements of our days, thoughts, feelings, etc. with someone else who we trust and care about – also hoping they care about us in return. " +"A year ago, the love of my life left me and never looked back. Our son was two months old at the time and it broke my heart. I miss her so much and can't seem to get over being so heartbroken."," I recognize that you say you are missing being with the love of your life. At the same time, I don't understand whether you are able to see your son. I'm curious as to the relationship dynamic between you and your son's mother. When you say that she ""never looked back,"" I imagine you are conveying that getting back together is not something that she is interested in. I would suggest that you talk with a therapist and your local area so that you have the ability to discuss the loss of this person who you love so much. Most people think of grief related to the loss of someone who has died, But it also applies to people who have a significant loss, whether that is a relationship, a job, or any number of other things. In the meantime, try finding something about yourself that you value and can focus on. " +"I stress over everything. If I don't have enough ""quality time"" with my boyfriend, I start to feel resentment towards him. He has three children, and they are great kids, but I find we don't have much time together. I break down easily and find myself depressed."," Everyone has some level of anxiety - it's what helps us respond to stressors in our lives and clues us into the fact that we need to respond to something going on. However, if you're feeling overwhelmed by racing thoughts, feeling like you spend a lot of energy worrying about something specific or even pretty much anything at all, and you're starting to find that it's getting in your way when it comes to living your life the way you want, then I'd suggest seeing a counselor or therapist for an assessment for anxiety.  Your other concerns, though, seem pretty ""normal"" for someone who is in a relationship with a partner who has children. As a married stepmother, I've been there, and as a therapist, I can tell you that the boundaries and communication skills you have in your relationships need to be healthy for you to feel healthy. Finding some support from a group of others whose partners have children might be really helpful - being able to hear from others that you aren't alone in feeling like this can really lighten the load, and they might have some good ideas for handling certain situations. Another option is to find a counselor or therapist who has experience working with step/blended family dynamics - because even if you're not officially married, those dynamics come into play whenever there are kids from another relationship involved. You may even consider couples counseling so that both of you can learn to talk about your relationship needs and concerns in a way that will encourage connection and strengthen your sense of partnership. " +"I have been with my boyfriend for more than a year. He recently got a new job and travels a lot. I'm not used to him being gone all the time. I feel as though he has forgotten about me because he does not talk with me as much and doesn't keep me up to date on everything that he does throughout the day, which he used to. +I feel lost, sad and unwanted. This is really a tough new challenge. I just want to break up with him, but I love him so much. I don't know why he is acting this way lately. I believe I have separation anxiety. Is there anything that I can do to help me cope with this while he is out of town?"," Relationships at any amount of distance can be so hard! It makes sense that you are encountering more anxiety than usual given that major change in your relationship. And you're right that being separated from our partners can heighten our insecurities and worries about not only our relationship security but about our partner's interest. Have you talked with your boyfriend about this struggle you're feeling? It can be hard to have this kind of conversation without triggering a sense of blame and subsequent defensiveness in our partners, but it really is possible. If you have any concerns about being able to do this, then a session or two with a local counselor or therapist might be really helpful - and it really can be just about finding the way to share what you're feeling. As far as coping with anxiety, there are a lot of options but I highly recommend an app called Self-Help for Anxiety Management. There's so much good information in this app to help you learn to pay attention to what kinds of thoughts are helpful or unhelpful, and there are also lots of activities for calming down and decreasing the intensity of that anxiety. The best part is, it's free!  " +"I'm a man, and I'm soon to be married. I have been messing around with other men on the side. It started as a once in a while thing, but it's been happening a lot. I don't know what to do."," Hello, and thank you for your question. When faced with these kinds of difficult challenges, I usually encourage people to look to their values for help in determining what their behavior should be. Indeed, it is usually when our behaviors conflict with our values that we don't feel very content with our lives. Perhaps you can take some time to think through a couple of these questions: What kind of person do I want to be deep in my heart? What kind of character do I want to have when in public and in my private world when nobody is watching? How would I want others to describe me? Let's say that you want others to see you as being authentic, and YOU also value authenticity as something you want to live by. You may feel like this value is currently at odds with the behaviors you are engaging in right now. That you are not being the person that you really are deep in your heart. This is not an unusual struggle when it comes to intercourseual behavior and intercourseual orientation. So please, try not to feel alone. We all know quite well how unacceptable it may be to be seen as gay, lesbian, biintercourseual, etc. And I am not just talking about being unaccepted by others, but a person may have a VERY hard time accepting themselves. Thinking about your values and living a life based on them can bring a lot of freedom, but I won't lie, it can also bring a lot of pain at the same time. For example, someone with the value of living authentically may decide they have to tell others who they are and what they stand for, even if that means people may disapprove. That may cause a lot of pain, but it may also come with a sense of freedom to live a life based on honesty and authenticity. It may be helpful to find a counselor who is trained in affirmative therapy, which is recommended for people who are navigating their intercourseual behaviors and figuring out what is right for them. I would also sit down and think through some of the questions above and consider what your values are... both as an individual and as someone's fiancé. Above all, I wish you well in this journey. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC " +"I told her that if daddy dies, we will never see him again. She started crying because I wouldn't make her daddy die."," Children often have a difficult time expressing emotions accurately. It is also very likely that your daughter does not understand  the permanence of death. Having said that, she is using some very specific ideas here and I would recommend contacting a local mental health professional with some experience working with children. I would also wonder where she is getting this idea. Sometimes children hear things on TV or from an adult and we are not even aware of how much they are remembering. It may be helpful to teach her things that she can do when she is angry, like say that she is mad because she cannot have the toy that she is asking for. I'm curious as to how long it is that she stays mad like this and whether she talks to her dad after she is no longer angry. Does she say the same sorts of things about you? It may also be helpful for you to work with a mental health professional (possibly the same one who is working with your daughter) so that you can have some support with this as well. " +I get very nervous and anxious/scared before intercourse.," I first wonder what your anxiety or fear connects to. I don't know whether it is about intercourse itself or about ideas of worthiness or feeling desirable. There is also a difference between having self-doubt about the actual physicality of having intercourse (performance-related) or having doubts about whether you want to have intercourse with a particular person. Having intercourse can lead to feelings of great vulnerability. If your partner is someone you trust, consider discussing what it is that comes up for you around the issue of intercourse. This is the certain things that your partner would be willing to do that and the ease your discomfort, like staying with you for some time before and after intercourseual interactions. Another idea to consider is spending time with your partner and using nonintercourseual touch for each other (perhaps first you to him and then him to you) and communicating very clearly about what you like and do not like. Some people like to be spoken to during physical touch and other people do not. All of this can be part of your discussions. When you feel comfortable with that, you could move into intercourseual touch in this manner and actually look at what you do and do not like. You may also consider discussing things that are totally off-limits for you all the time and things for which you would like warning or awareness before they happen. There are really a number of different ways to work on becoming more comfortable if you trust your partner and if your concern is about intercourse itself. If this feels pretty structured, it is initially. Generally, the idea is to learn more about each other and yourselves and then the process becomes much more natural. If the concern relates more to self-esteem related intercourse, consider asking your partner to list several things that he or she likes about you. Even if you don't necessarily see yourself in the same light, consider that this is how your partner sees you, so these are some of the things that make you attractive to them (perhaps both in intercourseual ways and in a wider discussion of the relationship). If this is difficult for you to sort out on your own, consider seeing a therapist with experience working with couples or relationships. " +"Both of my parents committed suicide together, and I was the one who found them. I suffer from overwhelming depression, which is having an extreme effect on me and my husband's intercourse lives. He does not understand at all and is always making me feel so uncomfortable about intercourse."," Hello, and thank you for your question. First, I want to tell you how sorry I am for the experience you had with your parents. That is a grief and trauma that is certainly hard to imagine. Trauma and grief can affect us in many ways, and certainly deeply personal things like our intercourse lives. It may be difficult for others to make the connection, but it is there. So, for example, if stress and trauma make you feel like you are not interested in intercourse, a partner may take it as a personal rejection rather than response to stress, trauma or grief. If your husband will agree to it, couple's counseling may be your best bet. A counselor can help you with your communication and may be able to provide some education to your husband about trauma and how it can have an impact on intimacy. If he doesn't agree to go, it may be worth it to go on your own. You still have a lot you are dealing with yourself. And sometimes our personally therapy can influence others, so it may be a good idea. It is important to remember that even though you are married you have the right to make decisions about your body, and that includes when you want to have intercourse with it. I hope this is helpful, and some of my colleagues may have ideas, also. Be well. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC " +"I have suffered many things at home and school. We never went to the doctor to diagnose depression or anything like that, but I always feel like a part of my heart is missing. I try to fill it in with objects or, in this case, a woman."," There could be many reasons but often people feel validated when they are in a relationship, the need to be in a relationship can be related to a belief of unlovability which often stems from our childhood. The relationship sort of soothes this temporarily and the others interest or desire helps counteract the ingrained belief. There are many questions that may help understand why, how was your relationship with your mother (caregivers)?  How was your childhood etc.?  Many people describe having a hole or void they try and fill with material things or people but it only is a temporary fix which usually drives the person to the next relationship, or object in hopes it will be fulfilling but it never is because fulfillment is work we need to do ourselves. This journey involves finding acceptance and love for ourselves. Once we have that we don't need to look elsewhere for fulfillment. " +"I've been on 0.5 mg of Xanax twice a day for the past month. It hasn't been helping me at all, but when I take 1 mg during a big anxiety attack, it calms me down. I was wondering how I can ask my psychologist to up the dose to 1 mg twice a day without her thinking I'm abusing them. I just have very big anxiety attacks. Should I stay on the 0.5mg and deal with the attacks or should I ask to up the dose? I'm afraid she will take me off them and put me on something else."," Hello, and thank you for your question. While counselors work closely with medical providers, and sometimes have discussions about medications with people, we rarely make recommendations about how much or what type of medication a person should be taking. This is because prescribing and advising on medication is out of our scope of practice. The only exception would be if a counselor is also a physician, nurse practitioner, physician's assistant, etc. Having said that, I certainly understand that anxiety is a real serious problem that many folks struggle with. If you are currently not in therapy to help you with these panic attacks, you should consider it. Medications can be helpful for anxiety, and medications like Xanax may help for immediate relief, but they do nothing to deal with the root of anxiety and may not help with anxiety long-term. Therapists who have experience in exposure therapies would be good people to start with. Exposure therapy has good outcomes for people with anxiety disorders and panic attacks. If you are interested in speaking with your provider about the Xanax, I think explaining it the way you did on here is just fine. The provider will then decide if they feel comfortable increasing your medication. Please remember that medical providers are not trying to give people a hard time. Medications like Xanax really are highly addictive. The more you take, the more you may feel you need. The more often you may feel you need to use it. Depending on the frequency and amount of use, some people suffer serious withdrawal symptoms when they do not take the medication. It is a good idea to talk to medical provider about all of those things so that you can partner on right course of action to manage this anxiety. I certainly hope that you get some relief.... I know anxiety is awful. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC " +"Sometimes, I'm fine and can go out or meet people, but other days, my heart races and words physically cannot come out of my mouth. I've always thought it was normal and I was just nervous, but the other day, it took me almost 30 minutes of sitting in my car to find the courage to enter Target by myself."," It is possible that you could have or be developing an anxiety disorder. There isn't really enough information provided here to suggest a particular disorder, but it might be worth meeting with a counselor or therapist to do a formal assessment. Some of the questions they might ask could be what other kinds of physical symptoms you experience, how frequently these physical symptoms happen, what's going on for you when they tend to happen, and how frequently/intensely you find yourself worrying in general.  Anxiety itself is a really natural thing - it's just when it starts interfering with your ability to ""do life"" the way you want that we start to consider potential disorders. It might be that for the most part, the anxiety you feel is normal and you simply have some triggers that intensify it more than usual. Working on your own or with the support of a counselor/therapist to both address those triggers at the root and also to develop ways of managing the actual anxiety symptoms. This two-fold approach can be really helpful for not letting anxiety keep you from engaging in life the way you'd like. " +"I have been feeling more and more down for over a month. I have started having trouble sleeping due to panic attacks, but they are almost never triggered by something that I know of.","It could be really helpful to see a counselor/therapist about your increasing depression/panic symptoms. Finding out the cause of depression/anxiety isn't always as straightforward as it seems, since both issues tend to become patterns we engage in rather than solely related to a specific trigger/reason. For example, if I am feeling down about a particular circumstance in my life, then I start seeing life through this lens of feeling down, and typically I'll start to see a lot more that I get down about, and it can really build very quickly on itself. Same with anxiety. Obviously, this is a very simplified example and it can be very difficult to see how the pattern is maintained, but that's where working with a counselor/therapist comes in.  I would be curious about whether you can start to notice the initial sensations of panic, and if you can (through the panic attack) continue to maintain awareness of the actual physical sensations. Even better if you can talk yourself through the sensations you're feeling - such as saying to yourself ""Okay, I'm breathing really rapidly, and my heart is racing, now my palms are sweaty and my chest is feeling really tight..."" Reminding yourself that it's just your body's reaction to stress, and while it might be overreacting right now, you're okay and eventually it will go away. I highly recommend the SAM for Anxiety Management app for the anxiety piece, and I wouldn't be surprised if addressing the anxiety helped to address some of the depression too.  " +"Her father and I have been dealing with this problem for quite some time now. She is an adolescent, and the problem is mostly food. She is now overweight, and we just don't know what to do anymore. She can be disrespectful and doesn't listen to or respect what we say."," I would be curious about there potentially being some emotional or physical trauma in your daughter's history that she is struggling with. Physical trauma is usually easier to identify, but emotional trauma can be feeling a lack of emotional connection in her important relationships, having experienced bullying, or some other emotional injury. The fact that there are some defiance symptoms going on suggests that she might be in need of a safe place to process what she's going through, and the potential issue with control or meeting emotional needs with food is also concerning. I would recommend looking for a therapist/counselor who works with children/adolescents in the area of addressing trauma for an assessment. They may be able to ask the right questions to see whether trauma is truly the issue.  " +"I'm in my late 50s. I never loved or have been loved. I need deeper help than is offered in my small town, but I cannot leave this town because of agoraphobia. I find myself losing hope more and more. My brain barely works anymore, and my memory so small, I forget in a moment. I serve no purpose. I'm incapable of work or anything of value, and I never have been. I'm a complete waste of time and resources, and yet I keep trying. Why? Why does God insist that I continue to exist? I'm not suicidal, just tired.","The fact that you're reaching out says that there is something in you that wants this to be different, and that drive might be something worth tapping into. ""Why do I keep trying?"" is a question that might give you some insight into what it is in you that keeps you going.  A lot of therapists/counselors are now offering video therapy. As long as you're in the same state as a therapist offering this service, you could connect with someone helpful from the comfort of your home, even being in your small town. I'd recommend looking into this option, because you're asking a lot of really deep questions and might benefit from having those conversations with someone who can help you find your own answers. " +"I have been with my boyfriend for more than a year. He recently got a new job and travels a lot. I'm not used to him being gone all the time. I feel as though he has forgotten about me because he does not talk with me as much and doesn't keep me up to date on everything that he does throughout the day, which he used to. +I feel lost, sad and unwanted. This is really a tough new challenge. I just want to break up with him, but I love him so much. I don't know why he is acting this way lately. I believe I have separation anxiety. Is there anything that I can do to help me cope with this while he is out of town?"," Consider talking with your boyfriend about times that you may be able to talk together while he is away. This way, you have an idea when you'll be able to contact him. Does he recognize the feelings that you have while he is away? How do you feel when you are together with him and he is home? I'm also curious as to how the level of your anxiety (on a scale of 1 to 10, perhaps) changes during the parts of his trips. Maybe there are certain parts that are more or less related to anxiety for you. Perhaps you have less anxiety while working or involved in a specific activity, for example, spending time with friends. When you are both in the same area (when your boyfriend is not traveling), do you do some things independently with friends?  Do you know what leads to your anxiety when he is away? I don't know whether it is a general feeling of wanting him to come back or anxiety that something specific will happen to you or him. Do you ever recall feeling this way in your past? If so, what was happening then? What do you have that makes you feel very safe and comfortable? Consider working with a mental health professional in the area. Perhaps it would be helpful for the two of you to meet with a therapist who specializes in couples to see what kind of relationship you want to have and what you can each do to contribute to that relationship. There could be things that you could both start or stop doing to help your relationship move in the direction where you would like it to go. As an example, perhaps you would like a text before your boyfriend goes to bed, no matter what time zone or time of day it is. Perhaps he would prefer a good morning text or call/voicemail from you. " +"Sometimes, I'm fine and can go out or meet people, but other days, my heart races and words physically cannot come out of my mouth. I've always thought it was normal and I was just nervous, but the other day, it took me almost 30 minutes of sitting in my car to find the courage to enter Target by myself."," First, be aware that each end every one of us has anxiety at some point. That certainly seems to fit what you're describing here, but that doesn't mean you have an anxiety disorder, necessarily. That's where there is a difference. Anyone who has a hard time with public speaking or feels uncomfortable in large crowds, for example, is experiencing anxiety. It sounds like it would be helpful to look at the differences between the days when you are more comfortable on the days that you are not. If you notice your anxiety is keeping you from doing things that you need or want to do, it may be helpful to talk with and mental health professional. I wonder also whether your appetite and sleeping patterns are the same or similar to how they were before you experienced this anxiety, when your anxiety started, and whether you feel more comfortable when someone you trust is there with you. If you have an idea of times or situations in which you feel anxious, consider carrying a small smooth rock or another object that makes you feel calm and centered. Perhaps you can keep it in your pocket and remember specific comfortable times while you have it in your hand. " +"I've been on 0.5 mg of Xanax twice a day for the past month. It hasn't been helping me at all, but when I take 1 mg during a big anxiety attack, it calms me down. I was wondering how I can ask my psychologist to up the dose to 1 mg twice a day without her thinking I'm abusing them. I just have very big anxiety attacks. Should I stay on the 0.5mg and deal with the attacks or should I ask to up the dose? I'm afraid she will take me off them and put me on something else."," In general, Xanax is very short-acting. You mentioned that you are afraid that your medical provider will take you off of the Xanax and put you on something else. If the Xanax is not working well for you, I wonder if something else may work better. What is your reasoning there? Also, sometimes there are medications that you can take in addition to Xanax. In addition to talking with your medical provider about changing the medication, try to track your levels of anxiety on a scale of 1 to 10 throughout the day so you can get a pattern of what is happening. Also consider writing down what is happening before you have anxiety attacks. This may help your medical provider know what medication may be helpful to you or what changes could be made. As far as how to discuss this with your medical provider, I would suggest mentioning the symptom changes you are having (anxiety attacks that are not helped with 0.5mg of Xanax) and ask what they would suggest that might help. If your medical provider suggests taking you off of the Xanax, I would recommend talking about the reasons why you would prefer to stay on the Xanax and what your concerns are about coming off of it. You could also ask whether anything could be combined with Xanax. There are also many other anxiety medications. I have seen lots of people that take more than one medication to lessen anxiety that they are having. I would also consider talking with a therapist (unless the person who is prescribing a medication is also doing therapy with you). Getting more information about your anxiety and how it is affecting you may be greatly helpful to you. " +"I'm a man, and I'm soon to be married. I have been messing around with other men on the side. It started as a once in a while thing, but it's been happening a lot. I don't know what to do."," If you are happy with the person that you are about to be married to and are also enjoying time with other men, it could be possible that you are attracted to people of more than one gender. Having said that, some people have feelings toward people of more than one gender that are not really related to romance or attraction, but any number of other feelings, such as trust and communication. I don't know whether your use of the phrase ""messing around"" was related specifically to being romantically or intercourseually involved with the people who you are or referring to or if you are saying that you are enjoying spending time with them. These terms have different definitions for almost everyone. I would definitely recommend speaking with a local mental health practitioner in your area, not because there is anything wrong about the way you are feeling, but because there are a lot of different parts of what is happening in your life right now and it may be helpful to talk about the feelings and thoughts with someone who can help you to learn more about yourself and the people are most important in your life (yourself included). I also suggest looking at a few things that you love and appreciate about yourself. " +"He wants to wear makeup and heels. He even tucks his penis away to resemble a vagina. He wants me to wear a strap on and have anal intercourse with him. I have tried this for him, but I don't like it and have told him so. He keeps making comments about it and says he can't live without it."," It sounds like you may be asking two different questions. With regard to what you said about your husband dressing as a female in your bedroom, I wonder if you would consider asking him more about this. If you choose to do that, I would suggest that you ask him whether a certain time is a good time to have a conversation and asking questions for five minutes or more that are related to you learning more about his experience. This can be difficult to do at times, particularly when you may want to offer your own opinions or become very anxious or of type. Consider thinking of a phrase that may help you to stay calm during the discussion. It may be helpful to think of yourself as asking questions as if you were an investigative reporter and using questions that start with words like ""what, how, who, where, when."" Questions that start with ""why,"" can be very difficult to answer for some people and can be overwhelming because it often links to answers involving emotions that may or may not be understood.  Also try restating what your husband is saying to make sure that you are understanding correctly. If what he is telling you is different than what you have heard or thought of for many years, it may be challenging to follow his meaning initially. Remember that listening to your husband does not imply agreement with what he is saying, just that you are following and looking to understand what he is experiencing. I also recommend sticking to one topic for the conversation, but this could be done with many different topics over time. You could also see if he would be willing to have a discussion where he listens like an investigative reporter to learn more about the experience that you are having. As far as what you mentioned about the intercourseual experience, maybe if you can discuss what it is that you don't like and/or understand what it is that he does like, you could see if there is some middle ground here. It depends on what you both prefer. These types of conversations can be difficult to have for some couples, at least initially. Having structured conversations, such as the ones I've described briefly above, can feel awkward initially, but the reason it can be helpful is because it can lead to further understanding in a way that decreases the chances of having an argument. Also consider seeing a therapist in your area who specializes in couples to discuss some of these ideas. " +"Sometimes, I'm fine and can go out or meet people, but other days, my heart races and words physically cannot come out of my mouth. I've always thought it was normal and I was just nervous, but the other day, it took me almost 30 minutes of sitting in my car to find the courage to enter Target by myself."," Your, sitting in your car for 30 minutes, story sounds so sad and frustrating. Yes, you're describing classic symptoms of anxiety. Anxiety itself is the indirect result of repeatedly being in positions of feeling helpless or frightened. Are you able to recall from your growing up years of feeling insecure? You may not have felt loved and nurtured as much as you needed. Some people develop anxiety from missing enough love.  They feel lacking in ability to take care of themselves, similar to the lack of being sufficiently taken care of when younger. Try understanding if you felt neglected emotionally. If ""yes"", then start the slow process of emotionally rewarding and acknowledging yourself. Progress will be slow. Eventually you'll stabilize the way you feel toward yourself. This will gradually result in decreased anxiety. " +"I have known I was always different. This year, in December, I found out that I never felt female. I did research and have identified myself as male but don't know how to tell my dad."," I admire your courage. If you are concerned about telling your dad regarding your gender identity, I would suggest a couple of things. There are a lot of groups or other supports for people who are working through some of the same changes that you may be going through now. I don't mean to convey that everyone thinks, feels, or acts the same by any means, but rather that it may be helpful to talk to others who have had some similar experiences. I was trying to include some links for you, but that particular button isn't functioning window. If you search for ""transgender support"" on Google, you'll find GLAAD and PFLAG, both of which are national organizations. This does not mean that you have to identify as ""transgender,"" but researching that term may help you to find both national and local resources. As far as telling your dad, if that is particularly concerning for you, I suggest either talking through the details with a local therapist or considering if you have a trusted friend or family member (one who will respect your privacy with regard to who you would like to know about what you are experiencing at this time) so that you can talk with some people to have support. This may help with two things: allowing you to find some support for yourself as you work through the changes that you are going through now and also possibly talking with someone who knows your dad and may be able to talk with you regarding how or when to tell him. One thing that I tell anyone who wants to discuss something that is very important to them is to ask the person they want to talk to whether this is a good time for an important conversation. That way, you have greater chances of having the person's attention and/or not needing to end the conversation quickly.  Also, please remember that you know yourself best, as each of us does. " +"I'm a girl, and I can't tell whether I'm biintercourseual or gay. I like girls a little more than boys, but I don't really know."," intercourseual orientation is not always something that is clearly definable. Some people look at it on a continuum where being attracted to only boys is at one end, only girls is at the other, and biintercourseual is in the middle. Anywhere in between those points can be any amount of attraction to boys or girls. If you don't know whether you are gay or biintercourseual, that is okay. A lot of people don't know for quite some time. In addition to that, after people do know who they are attracted to, a lot of times they do not use the terms ""gay"" or ""biintercourseual"" for quite a while. It's okay not to know. Think about what sorts of expectations you have for your ideal relationship. Some examples may include trust, respect, availability for conversation or connection, etc. Whatever it is that you find important in a relationship is likely what matters most. If you are struggling with learning what it is that you would like in a relationship or any other feelings connected with what you are thinking and feeling, I would suggest connecting with a local therapist so you have a place to talk about what you are experiencing. " +"I went to my ex-boyfriend to reach out to one of his high school friends who's attempted to commit suicide. When I went to him to reach out to his high school friend, he told me that I put him in a terrible position and put an enormous load on his shoulders. He was very angry that I went to him to do that. Am I in the wrong for going to him to reach out? He helped me so much with my depression and bad habits, so that's why I thought of him to reach out. He made me feel awful for thinking highly of him to help. Why did he react this way towards me? I think he's being selfish."," I'm glad you think so highly of your boyfriend and his ability to be there when you would like to talk about things that are important to you. I see why you would want them to reach out. I also wonder about how close he was with his friend and what he thought you meant when you asked him to reach out. It sounds as if he is thinking that doing so would mean that he is responsible for his friend's well-being, although I can't say that for certain. Would you be willing to have a discussion with your boyfriend where for a few minutes (five minutes or so), you ask him about what made him react that way? During this time, try to listen and ask questions is if you are an investigative reporter and are trying to learn more about his experience. You can also summarize what you are hearing to make sure that you understand it as he does. This does not mean that you have to agree with what you say, but just that you follow. I hear you saying that you think he's being selfish. I'm suggesting that just during this conversation, you ask questions to focus on what he is thinking and feeling. In one sentence, the goal would be to learn more about his experience. I would not be at all surprised if he is scared. Are you aware of what kind of support he wants through this time? " +"I've been on 0.5 mg of Xanax twice a day for the past month. It hasn't been helping me at all, but when I take 1 mg during a big anxiety attack, it calms me down. I was wondering how I can ask my psychologist to up the dose to 1 mg twice a day without her thinking I'm abusing them. I just have very big anxiety attacks. Should I stay on the 0.5mg and deal with the attacks or should I ask to up the dose? I'm afraid she will take me off them and put me on something else."," Staying on the lower dose may give you more room to learn strategies for coping with your anxiety.  Medications are so helpful, and needed at times, but it's also important to have a variety of tools you use to manage your responses to stress.  If you are not already seeing a therapist, consider finding one who can help you learn some effective strategies, like replacing self-defeating thoughts with ones that work better for you, or mindfulness, relaxation, or other tools to keep your anxiety in the manageable range! " +"He is always telling me our fights are only and all my fault, he bashes me to our young child, and he is addicted to a few substances."," The behaviors you describe are boundary violations.  You can not change your spouse, but you can respond to his behaviors in ways that protect your boundaries and ensure your safety.  This is very hard to do without support.  Finding a therapist who understands the dynamics of abusive relationships may be helpful.  If you are not ready to do this, I recommend the book ""Boundaries"" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.  It's a great resource for helping one recognize boundary violations and learning how to respond to them in ways that are constructive! " +"I've been on 0.5 mg of Xanax twice a day for the past month. It hasn't been helping me at all, but when I take 1 mg during a big anxiety attack, it calms me down. I was wondering how I can ask my psychologist to up the dose to 1 mg twice a day without her thinking I'm abusing them. I just have very big anxiety attacks. Should I stay on the 0.5mg and deal with the attacks or should I ask to up the dose? I'm afraid she will take me off them and put me on something else."," Do you think you're abusing xanax? It is a highly addictive drug so maybe one reason you feel compelled to take more is bc you already are addicted. Drugs don't do anything helpful in solving life's problems.   Once the effect wears off, the stressful situation is once again waiting for you to address it. Think over your reason for not directly asking your psychologist about upping your dose. Also, do you ever talk about your life problems with this psychologist or only your need for drugs?    The more gradual path to a better life is to not need drugs in the first place. This consists of your willingness to face the matters that are creating such terrible feelings inside you. " +"I have terrible anxiety and depression. I've tried various therapists and pills, but nothing's helped."," Is it possible you simply didn't mix well with the particular therapists with whom you've worked?   If this is possible, interview a therapist before  starting therapy.   Then you will be choosing a therapist who feels compatible with your way of seeing yourself and your life. Also, therapy isn't for everyone. Read about the different healing modalities and see if one of these speaks to your interest in feeling better. What matters most is finding among all the legitimate healing methods, what you believe will be effective. " +"I've been dealing with this for years. My mom thinks I'm overly emotional and refuses to offer any help, like therapy or seeing a doctor. She's seen me when I'm having a panic attack and just said I was faking for attention or that I'm a hypochondriac. I just want to get better.", How old are you? Are you old enough in your State to have therapy without your mother's consent? Your mom's attitude toward you may be one significant reason on why you feels so much tension in the first place. Don't let her opinions and beliefs get in the way of what you know about yourself. Are you in school and does that school have a guidance counselor? Would you talk with that person about your difficult getting your mom to retain helping services for you? Keep looking for local resources which will support you either directly or indirectly by advocating for your right to receive mental health care. +"These ""jokes"" are made about everything. They seem to have the need to say something ""funny"" about everything. It's not funny, just awkward."," I agree, it is awkward when people make jokes about subjects which may not be funny at all.  And, if a person only jokes, then after laughing and realizing the person has nothing of themselves to offer, this can also be quite tedious. Realize that you are more aware of human interaction having many levels of expression.   You could start avoiding people who irritate you by the way they behave. " +"I'm in my early 20s. I've worked since two months after I turned 18. I have “plans.” I could become an electrician, or I could operate heavy machinery. I have goals, but I do nothing to try to meet them because I don't feel I can. I just want a better life for my fiancée and the kids than I did."," For starters, commend yourself for being committed to working. You have no idea what is going to happen in the next second, so focusing on thinking you will never have a good career or amount to anything financially is creating a fictitious story.  Remind yourself of that every time the thought pops up.  The false belief that nothing good will happen is sucking out energy you can use on pursuing your career dreams. Next, do you know what you need to do to become an electrician or heavy machinery operator? If not, find out. Then, set up a realistic schedule for yourself to accomplish the steps. As you accomplish each step, see your progress.  Notice that you are moving closer to your goal.  Every day remind yourself why you are pursuing this career.  In fact, write it down and tape it on your bathroom mirror.  When you start to feel discouraged, remember your goal and remind yourself that you have no idea if you'll make it or not but you are going to give it everything you have to find out. Anything worth pursuing is going to take a lot of persistence and hard work. Stay with it! You and your family are worth it! " +"My husband had an emotional affair with his ex-wife in November. She invited him to dinner, alone, with their daughter. I wasn't aware of this until after 11pm when I asked where he was. He had been drinking, and I told him not to come home that night. The next morning, we talked about going to counseling. He went out that night with friends and said his ex-wife wasn't going. I found out in April that she did go. I gave him the chance to get everything out in the open. I found out that he stayed that second night with her. I asked if they slept in the same bed, and he said yes, both nights. His daughter wasn't there the second night. He claims they didn't have intercourse, but what else should I think?","My answer is going to be super simplistic but I believe this may be what you need. Ask your husband if he wants to stay married to you.  If he says yes, then it would be helpful to go to a marriage counselor and work this out with a professional.  If he says no, then you can file for divorce.  " +I believe it is wrong for men to look at inappropriate content. The father of my child has agreed to respect my beliefs. His co-worker sent him an inappropriate video. He got mad because he does not think he should tell his friend to not send him things like that.," In my book, this is a boundary issue. Although you do not like inappropriate content, it is not up to you what your child's father looks at or what his friend sends him.  It is really hard not to monitor other people's lives, but in the end, your rights begin and end with you. " +"I'm a man, and I'm soon to be married. I have been messing around with other men on the side. It started as a once in a while thing, but it's been happening a lot. I don't know what to do."," Divorce is expensive emotionally and financially. If your fiance is not ok with an open marriage, it would be a good idea to seek the help of a counselor before you get married. " +"I told her that if daddy dies, we will never see him again. She started crying because I wouldn't make her daddy die."," It's normal for a child to be so angry she wanted someone to die, but this seems to be heading into a dangerous realm. I think it would be wise to have her seen by a child psychologist just to rule out anything more serious. " +"Sometimes, I'm fine and can go out or meet people, but other days, my heart races and words physically cannot come out of my mouth. I've always thought it was normal and I was just nervous, but the other day, it took me almost 30 minutes of sitting in my car to find the courage to enter Target by myself."," Though I don't know for sure, it sounds like anxiety to me. I think it would be helpful if you work with a therapist who specializes in anxiety disorders.  " +"I have terrible anxiety and depression. I've tried various therapists and pills, but nothing's helped."," I'm sorry that you have tried several different things and not had much relief. I will say that there are several different types of medications that may help and each therapist is different, so it is quite possible that a different combination of things you've already tried may be helpful. I would encourage you to continue trying different therapists. I would say to give each one at least six sessions before you decide that the approach that they are using is not working for you. Also, most places have a certain sort of structured initial session that must be done, but after that, the decisions are largely up to what you and the clinician feel is helping. If something is or is not working, communicate this with your therapist. This is a big deal. Most therapists I know actually welcome this feedback. There is a fair amount of research into the idea that the therapeutic alliance (the relationship that you have in the context of working through the reasons that brought you into therapy) is very important. Also, sometimes anxiety and depression can make it difficult to go to therapy on a regular basis. If that is something with which you are struggling, I would encourage you to talk about that as well. In addition to a solid relationship with a therapist who you connect with, you may consider trying something like yoga or meditation. Mindfulness is sometimes helpful as well. Here's a link to questions for finding suitable therapists: http://www.pharmatherapist.com/12-tips-for-finding-a-suitable-therapist " +"I've been dealing with this for years. My mom thinks I'm overly emotional and refuses to offer any help, like therapy or seeing a doctor. She's seen me when I'm having a panic attack and just said I was faking for attention or that I'm a hypochondriac. I just want to get better."," I don't know how old you are, but in Pennsylvania, if you are over 14, you can have therapy without your parents' consent. If you are young enough to use their insurance, that could be complicated, but depending on the state, there may be ways to work around that as well. If transportation is a problem, call a local mental health agency and see if they can connect you with assistance. In the meantime, try searching for a phone helpline in the county where you live. They may be able to help you figure out where you can get help. Another idea is that if you are in school, your guidance counselor may be able to provide links to where you can go for help. He or she may also be able to give you more specific ideas to help with your panic attacks. I know you said your mom refuses to offer help, which included seeing a doctor, but I wonder if she trusts the doctors that is your primary care physician (also called a family doctor) who you see when you have a minor medical ailment that may need medication. That doctor may be able to help you as well. Some of the information here may be helpful to you because it explains some of what anxiety is and there are some quizzes there that may give you information to discuss with a doctor or therapist when you get connected with one. http://www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/guide/mental-health-anxiety-disorders This may give you other information to speak with your mom about. Remember that I'm not asking you to actually diagnose yourself with one of these things, but just offering some basic information that may help you be able to talk about what is going on. If you are having a panic attack or having a moment of anxiety, try focusing on different things in the room around you. It may help to shift your focus briefly outside of what you are feeling and that may lessen the feeling a bit. Also remember that sometimes anxiety leads to more anxiety about having a panic attack in the future. Remember that they usually and after a few minutes. It would also be helpful for you to keep track of what leads up to your anxiety. Best wishes to you and keep trying until you get connected to someone. " +"Sometimes, I'm fine and can go out or meet people, but other days, my heart races and words physically cannot come out of my mouth. I've always thought it was normal and I was just nervous, but the other day, it took me almost 30 minutes of sitting in my car to find the courage to enter Target by myself."," These types of symptoms can be very disruptive to life!  Anxiety often presents in two key ways:  1) physical symptoms such as: racing heart rate, sweaty palms, dry mouth, shaking or trembling or nausea - often these physical sypmtoms are categorized as a Panic Attack.  2) mentally anxiety presents itself as worry.  Worry that spirals out of control, worry that dirsupts your life and concentration.  Worry that keeps from being present in your life.   Anxiety when it begins to spiral out of control either with disruptive mental or physical symptoms, needs to be addressed formally.  I urge you to see a counselor and/or a psychiatrist soon to begin to address these issues.   Good Luck,  Sitka Stueve, LSCSW " +"I've been with a man for four years. For the last year, he has said he is done, but he still talks, texts, visits, and has not moved on with anyone else. His words do not match his actions. I love this man, but it's hurting so much."," This can be difficult and confusing. If you think your boyfriend would be open to having a discussion, try asking him for a time when he is willing to have an important discussion. When that time matches with a time that is good for you, try discussing the type of relationship that you each want to have and what you can start and stop doing to get there. He may want to be really good friends. He may also be trying to figure out what he is feeling.  If you end up talking over one another, try letting one person be the one who is talking about their feelings for about five minutes and during that time, try having the other person asked questions to gain more understanding of their experience. Then you can switch. Also consider asking questions that cannot be answered with yes or no, but lead to more explanations. Questions that start with the words how, what, when, who are usually better than questions starting with ""why"" because they can be emotional triggers for some people. If this is difficult to do between the two of you, consider seeing a therapist who specializes in couples. " +My doctor seems to think I am in danger of having one. I neglected to ask how this was different than an episode. I have been formally diagnosed with bipolar type 1.," I will admit that I'm not specifically familiar with this from my own experience. My best educated guess is that you could have a seizure during which you have some sort of symptoms similar to a hallucination (which is one of the psychotic symptoms) when you hear or see things that aren't really there. In looking briefly online, I was able to find some information here: http://www.epilepsy.com/information/professionals/about-epilepsy-seizures/psychiatric-and-behavioral-aspects/psychiatric-2 It sounds like this would be a symptom in addition to an already existing seizure disorder, not a seizure disorder in addition to a mental health problem. If it is the other way around, I'm not sure how that would work. It is common with some types of seizures to have an altered state of reality during or shortly after the seizure, so that could also be related. I would suggest you talk to your physician about this directly so that if they are worried about this, you can learn more about what is making them concerned about it and what, if anything, you could do to lessen the likelihood of it or how to handle it if it does happen. " +"I've been with a man for four years. For the last year, he has said he is done, but he still talks, texts, visits, and has not moved on with anyone else. His words do not match his actions. I love this man, but it's hurting so much."," Have you brought up the topic as to the way you're feeling? The best way for someone to understand us or to understand someone, is to directly talk about  the specific problem. To start the discussion w your partner, understand your own reasons for continuing the relationship. Given his stated disinterest in the relationship, your mood is probably affected by this. Once you are clear on how the range of your feelings, especially any fears on being alone, suggesting you may be staying w this guy simply to avoid such fears, then you'll be ready w your self-knowledge, to start a conversation w your partner about your relationship.  " +"We had great chemistry, but then he became distant. I had the feeling that I can't be without him. As soon as I felt the difference, I was scared to lose him. I started freaking out if he did not answer, thinking that something bad happened."," The simplest answer is that love feels good, obsessions don't. Love deepens a sense of peacefulness and security. Obsessions give anxiety and worry of feeling abandoned. One suggestion is to study more about yourself and why you'd feel so ill at ease when you aren't w this person. " +"We had great chemistry, but then he became distant. I had the feeling that I can't be without him. As soon as I felt the difference, I was scared to lose him. I started freaking out if he did not answer, thinking that something bad happened."," People often care deeply for those whom they love. I don't know how long you have been together. It is also common to want to be very closely connected to people who are important to you. It may be helpful to have a conversation about talking more or talking about how you feel when he is not there and how he feels about answering you right away. It may be helpful for both of you to listen to each other and what you are feeling and experiencing so that you can look at what may work for both of you. For example, maybe you could remind yourself that he will answer you when he is not busy or as soon as he can. Sometimes just talking about these feelings can be helpful so that you can both have open discussions about whether the amount or type of communication is too much or in a style that is not working for both of you. You could also consider leaving text messages or something that does not require an immediate response so that when he is busy, you have the ability to write a message, and he has the ability to answer when he can. I also wonder where you are getting the idea that something bad happened. I don't know whether something happen with this person in the past or perhaps at another time in your life. Some people benefit from ideas such as not going to bed angry, but this is difficult for others. I would suggest considering what makes each of you feel loved, valued, appreciated, or special. Also think about what styles of communication you both like and what is and is not okay in the context of an argument. It may be difficult to talk about what has related to him being distant and it may be helpful to talk about ways to communicate about this first (such as taking a 10 minute timeout if it becomes overwhelming). Perhaps talking with a therapist who specializes in couples would be helpful if talking about this between you is confusing or if you do not both feel heard by the other person. Remember that feeling heard does not mean that you have to agree with one another. " +I shake and have panic attacks.," One of the first things I would suggest is to see if you can keep track of what is leading you to feel anxious.  If you shake all the time, consider talking with your primary care physician. Sometimes that can be a hormonal imbalance or another chemical imbalance (such as thyroid). One of the most difficult things about anxiety is that having anxiety (particularly panic attacks) can lead to anxiety about having more panic attacks. Also remember that panic attacks are typically part of your brain's protective response to what it considers to be some sort of threat. You may have heard of the fight or flight response. When you have an anxiety attack, your body is preparing you to react to something that isn't actually a threat, so it's almost as if you're fight or flight response is overactive. Here is an image that may be helpful: http://psychology.tools/fight-or-flight-response.html There are many different things you can do. You can practice breathing, mindfulness, meditation, or yoga techniques. If you decide to try some breathing techniques, try breathing in for a count of five, holding for a count of five, breathing out for a count of five, and repeating five times. Also remember that it is easier to learn these techniques when you're not having a panic attack. At that point, it can be really difficult to use methods to not panic. Also remember that panic attacks typically last 5 to 10 minutes. Using techniques to slow your breathing or become focused on the room around you is probably most helpful when you first start to feel anxious. Here are some other techniques that may help to decrease anxiety: http://psychcentral.com/lib/9-ways-to-reduce-anxiety-right-here-right-now/ As you figure out what is leading up to your anxiety, also consider asking yourself what is making that certain issue a big concern for you. Another important question could be when you have felt that way before. " +"I just don't know what I want in life anymore. I'm can't figure out what it is that is keeping me distracted and unfocused. I can't put things into perspective at all. I'm just stuck, and I'm disappointed with my lack of accomplishments."," It sounds as if you would benefit from talking with a local mental health professionals so you can discuss some details. Having said that, I wonder if you could consider how you would define yourself to someone who doesn't know you. For example, honest, adaptable, fun-loving, dependable, compassionate, open-minded, dedicated, etc. If you're looking for a list of adjectives, try these: https://www.englishclub.com/vocabulary/adjectives-personality-positive.htm . There is a list of negative ones here too. If you're going to use those, try to use three positive ones for each of the negative ones. You could also try asking yourself what you love about yourself and/or what others love about you. Sometimes it's easier to consider what others see as our positive points and if this is difficult for you, try asking someone who you trust to help you with the list. The idea here is to look at your relationship with yourself. I don't mean this in a way that you would be talking to yourself and receiving answers, but rather looking at yourself in a way that you deserve the same kind of loving and compassion that you give to others or want others to have. I'm also curious as to whether you are eating and sleeping okay, as these things can really affect your focus and many other changes, such as differences in your emotions. Also, you saying that you are struggling to put things into perspective leads me to believe that you are going through some things right now that are not typical for you, if so, consider from whom you have support and the ability to talk about what you are going through. Consider Metta meditation here to help give yourself loving kindness: http://www.mettainstitute.org/mettameditation.html " +"There are many people willing to lovingly provide me with a home. I have food, clothes, and a university education, but I never feel like I belong. Even when I have a good time with people who are supposed to be close, I feel like I'm just out with friends and I never go home."," For some people, having a sense of belonging takes some time. You mentioned that you have an education and some basic daily needs. I wonder if you may be able to look at your relationship with yourself and what makes you feel happy, safe, and having a sense of accomplishment. If you have those feelings, I wonder how you define trust and who you trust. You say you have a good time with people who are ""supposed to be close,"" so I wonder what keeps them from feeling close. I have also wondering if you have been emotionally hurt in the past, and if so, you may have some protective defenses that you use (maybe on purpose, maybe not) to protect yourself from being hurt again. Remember that this idea comes in degrees where you can be more perfect in certain situations and a little less in others. Being emotionally protected is on a spectrum or continuum, where you can make an infinite amount of adjustments or changes with different people and situations. I also wonder what it is that you want in your ""home,"" and how you define it. Consider giving yourself permission to think about how you would define your perfect home in a world where there were no realistic restrictions (such as money or location). After you have that, consider what parts of that you can have. Perhaps there is a small part that you could make a reality within a week or so. Thank you for reaching out. If this continues to be difficult for you, consider seeing a local mental health professional so you can discuss some more specific details. " +"I'm in my mid 20s with a husband and children. I love my family, but I feel like I've lost my identity, and I don't know who I am other than a mom and wife. At times, all I can think is what I gave up and how I feel unhappy and trapped, but I know I'd feel like worse without them. I loathe myself at times. I have an amazing life, so why can't I just enjoy it?"," It sound like there are some parts of your life that you really enjoy it and also some things that you wish were different. You say you feel like nothing more than a wife and mom, so I wonder if you could make a list of what else you are (friend, daughter, etc.). I also wonder if you could list your positive attributes or skills. I don't know what you gave up, but I wonder if there is some way that you could spend an hour or so a week working on things that you like and/or spending some time with what you did before you had children. For example, if you're missing a certain part of your career, maybe you could work with your husband to come up with a plan where you could do whenever that is for one day a week. There are often a lot of small changes that can lead you in that direction. Of course, that is assuming that you want to continue being involved with what you were doing before.  If not, what else do you want to do? What is it that makes you feel happy? What do you look forward to? Remember that looking forward to having an hour or two where you can do something for yourself does not mean that you are not a good mother or wife. These ideas can coexist. Can you talk with your husband about how you are feeling? Do you have trust for one another with feelings such as these? " +"I'm a teenager. My dad has been jail for the last five years. It's tough, but my mom really tries to give a normal life to my two sisters, my brother, and I. I feel like I took upon a parent role when I'm the second youngest, and I'm not stable. My mother and sisters say I'm overdramatic. I'm just so hurt, and I keep breaking down."," It sounds like you have a lot of weight on your shoulders. I'm not sure what you mean when you say you're not stable and you are breaking down. If you are crying because you're sad, that is okay. If you are crying a lot or having trouble eating or sleeping, that's different than just crying sometimes because you are sad. It may be helpful to talk with a local mental health professional in your area. They can help you to figure out what you could do differently to have the role in your family that you would like while also supporting yourself and what you want. " +"My boyfriend has this close female friend. It always bothered me because of how close they are, so I decided to meet her. That made the situation worse because they were even closer than what I thought. They acted like a couple rather than friends with each other. There was no physical interaction, but he talks to this girl a lot. What can I do? Leaving him isn't an option."," I wonder if you could have a conversation with your boyfriend about how you are feeling. A few things may help with that: This can be difficult. Consider working with a couples therapist to discuss it together. " +"She constantly tells me what I am doing wrong. For once, I want her to be proud of me. It's like no matter what I do, she does not have one nice word to say to me. She is always hateful towards me and always has been."," I imagine this is very difficult and confusing for you. It sounds like there are things for which you are proud of yourself, which is really good. I hope there are also other people in your life that are currently able to recognize the good things that you're doing. If you think your mom would be willing to go to see a local mental health professional with you, that may be a good place to have some discussions about the relationship that the two of you have. The reason I'm suggesting that it may be easier to have the conversations there is because sometimes the mental health professional can point out parts of conflict that are not easy for the people who are involved to actually see by themselves. If you want to try to talk with you mom to see how she is feeling, maybe she would be willing to discuss it with you. If you're going to have a conversation like that, I would suggest you try these things: If your mom does not want to go to see a counselor with you, remember that you could go on your own. Depending on your state and exactly how old you are, you may need your parent's permission to be in treatment, but not always. If you need help to figure that out, try contacting a couple of local mental health agencies to see if they can help you figure out what to do if you want to talk to someone. " +"He was in love with someone years ago, and he still thinks about her time to time. He said, and I quote, ""That relationship is definitely over. I love you, but that girl will always be in my mind."" It just didn't feel like he appreciated all the things I've done to make him happy."," It sounds like you were in a tough spot here. I'm not able to tell you whether or not you made a mistake because the decision is yours. I am wondering what led you to ask whether you made a mistake and whether you wish you were still in the relationship with this guy. If so, is it an option to talk about this with him? If you decide to get back together, consider having some conversations about what your concerns are and taking about five minutes or so to listen to this guy's thoughts, feelings, etc. Then see if you can repeat the essence of what he said to make sure you have it right. Then maybe you can ask some questions that you have and see if he is willing to listen. When each of you is in the role of asking questions, try to ask them as if you are an investigative reporter trying to learn more about each other's experience. If you are looking for information on coping with breaking up and you don't want to get back together or that's not an option, consider looking at how you define yourself and what is most important to you at this moment. I hear you saying you've done a lot of things to make him happy. I'm wondering what is making you happy. Hopefully you have friends or family that you can trust and talk to. Even if you don't talk about your relationship with all of them, I hope you have some people around whom you can be emotionally safe and comfortable. " +"I have been diagnosed with general anxiety and depression by my family doctor. They wrote a prescription for me to have an emotional support dog, I have the paper work, and I gave it to my apartment manager. They said I can't keep the ESD because I'm not disabled. What do you suggest I do?"," This can be a difficult situation.  Typically, only animals that are specifically trains to accomplish a specific task are legally protected as Service Animsls. Even though that can be very helpful, emotional support animals are not generally protected in the same way. You might not be able to make your landlord accommodate you. If possible, you may want to consider a different apparent that is more animal friendly. " +"I've been with a man for four years. For the last year, he has said he is done, but he still talks, texts, visits, and has not moved on with anyone else. His words do not match his actions. I love this man, but it's hurting so much.", That does sound very confusing...and hurtful.  You do not have to tolerate someone treating you in a way that hurts you.  It may be helpful to decide where the boundaries are for you and to stay true to them in your interactions with him.  You teach other people how they are allowed to treat you. +"I'm a man, and I'm soon to be married. I have been messing around with other men on the side. It started as a once in a while thing, but it's been happening a lot. I don't know what to do."," I would start by examining the reasons for seeking out other relationships. Are you getting something from the other men that you do not currently receive from your current partner? Such as, is it more exciting with others and that excitement is lacking in your current relationship? " +"Sometimes, I'm fine and can go out or meet people, but other days, my heart races and words physically cannot come out of my mouth. I've always thought it was normal and I was just nervous, but the other day, it took me almost 30 minutes of sitting in my car to find the courage to enter Target by myself."," I would suggest keeping a log of those days when you are having a hard time. Items to write would be what were you doing before you felt this way, did you eat and what, what time of day is it, how much sleep did you get that night, etc... This can help you identify any triggers. Further assessment can be made by a health care professional. It does sound like you are experiencing some symptoms of anxiety. " +"When my son was a teenager, we sent him to live with his dad because of the constant disrespectful attitude. A week after he graduated, his dad made him leave because of the same issues. All four parents tried to talk to him, and he just refuses help all around. He is now living with his grandparents. He had a job, and took steps to get his license and an insured vehicle. I thought he was heading down the right road, and then he tells me he quit his job because he didn't like it. I just don't know what to do."," I admire your efforts. You can continue to offer assistance for your son, but it is ultimately up to him to decide what to do with the information or ideas that you are giving to him. One thing you might try is to ask questions in a way that enables you to learn more about what he is experiencing. For example, if he is willing to talk to you about what he does on a daily basis and/or what he would like to be doing, you may be able to get a sense of what he finds difficult and find some resources to help. I might ask things like this (just as examples): If he is interested, you may be able to connect him with an area community college to learn more about possible job opportunities. With the way that I wrote the questions above, it probably sounds like it's relatively easy. In reality, it may not be an easy conversation and your son may choose not to discuss it with you. If that's the case, I'd remind yourself that you are trying to do everything you can. " +"In middle school and high school, my friends and family thought I was gay. I tried telling them, but they wouldn't believe me. It almost feels like they wanted me to be. Now I'm actually starting to believe them. I know I wasn't back then, and now I'm not sure anymore."," I agree with Amy. We get a lot of pressure from others and even ourselves to define who we are and what we want at a pretty early age. The truth is, our intercourseuality can change and grow in directions we never imagined. I may be wrong, but I am getting the impression that you may not want to be gay. That this is something you didn't like others suggesting and now you are uncomfortable with the idea that it may be true. This would certainly be understandable. Your intercourseuality is YOURS and yours alone. It can be quite frustrating and hurful when others try to define who you are. And it can be equally frustrating when you are trying to figure it out for yourself. The truth is that there are many different possibilities when it comes to intercourseual orientation. It may help to think about what qualities you find attractive. What kind of person can you see yourself being attracted to? Someone smart? Funny? Loves dogs? If you look for these qualities in a person they may lead you to being attracted to someone of the same intercourse, but maybe not. At least you would be choosing someone based on values and qualities that you love and admire. Another idea is to chat with a counselor, if you are interested. Preferrably one who has done some training in affirmative therapy. Be well and be you.. Robin  J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC " +"I was the one who ended it, and I'm so glad I did. It was the best decision I made in my life. But how do I stop the nightmares and flashbacks? It is creating a wall in my current relationship."," One thing you could try to do on your own is to focus on the partner who is in front of you now. If you are able to connect with them via touch or focusing on their tone of voice, that may help to center you. Tried to stay grounded and/or mindful. That is being aware of your position in the room, your feet on the floor, your hands in your lap, or your hips in the chair. Being mindful of the environment you are currently (for example, noticing what is around you) may be helpful. Try to use all your senses. For example, you could focus on hearing your husband's voice, feeling his hand in yours, being wrapped in your favorite blanket, seeing a comforting photo, using a comforting sense or candle, or tasting an apple that reminds you of times when you have enjoyed yourself in the kitchen. It also sounds like you are having a very specific reaction that could very well be related to trauma. I would recommend that you talk with a local mental health professional. Remember, just because it was the best decision of your life, that doesn't mean that what happened to you or in your presence automatically leaves you when you leave the relationship. Our brain is actually hardwired to remember things that have caused us pain or great emotional distress as a way of protecting us from them happening again. This is a very natural response and the reactions you have as far as nightmares and flashbacks are the past coming forward and your brain trying to make sense of it all. " +I don't know what to say. I have never really known who I am.," This is perhaps the deepest question that one can ask of themselves and the answer is as elusive as the deepest enigma. We are fluid beings, we are never the same from day to day, we learn or unlearn, we evolve or some of us even devolve, we are in a state of constant flux, changing and adapting, like a cloud in the sky that has its shape changed by the wind, life whittles us away and carves us constantly, trying to understand this question is like trying to bite your own teeth, however we can have a sense of what we would call our core and to understand the core, we need to live and to experience, but also to think deeply, analytically, and critically, by engaging with life we get a sense that we are like the Earth itself, inside of us there is a core, just as there is inside our planet but our continents shift and change over time, like those continents so does our own nature shift throughout our lives.  " +I've become so jaded that I can't control my thoughts. I cannot focus on anything and been having anxiety attacks.," I imagine that it's pretty disconcerting to feel as though you lost yourself. When you said that you are jaded, I'm not sure whether you mean that you are jaded toward someone, something, life in general, or some combination thereof. One of the difficult things about anxiety is that anxiety can lead to more anxiety because of being concerned about having another panic attack. Consider remembering that panic attacks usually only last a few minutes and the reason they don't go away right away is because of the way your brain releases chemicals because some part of your brain is reacting as if you are in danger in some way. As far as finding yourself, you may consider looking at what parts of each day you can control as a way to stay centered. You could also focus on something that makes you feel happy and/or comfortable. You may also consider the list of values here to give yourself an idea of what is most important to you, what it is that you are living by now, and what values you would prefer to live by. http://www.therapistaid.com/therapy-worksheet/values-clarification If this proves to be difficult, consider seeing a local therapist. " +"My husband and I have been married for seven years, and in that time, we have only had intercourse four or five times. Others have told me that most men would have left me by now. Honestly, I think I have a low intercourse drive or neither one of us actually knows what we are doing. I want to be better connected with my husband."," There are a lot of different things that could be playing a role here. First, different people have unique levels of intercourse drive, and sometimes there is a hormonal imbalance. Because you say both that there is a possibility that neither one of you ""actually knows what you're doing,"" and you want to be better connected with your husband, consider having some time where you sit together and touch each other in nonintercourseual ways and communicate about what you like and don't like. One person would be doing the touching and the other would be communicating. Then the rules would switch. After you both become comfortable with that, you could try the same thing with touching that is intercourseual in nature. Dr. Tammy Nelson is a therapist who specializes in relationships and intercourseual issues and she has several books and lots of other resources on her website: https://www.drtammynelson.com/ There are actually therapists who specialize in intercourse therapy and if you are interested in that, you would want a therapist who is a CSAT (certified intercourse addiction therapist). This does not mean that they only specialize in intercourseual addiction, but they do have special training in discussing intercourseual elements of relationships and their training is quite extensive. In addition to connecting intercourseually, you may consider discussing with your husband whether each of you are aware of things that make you feel valued, special, loved, and appreciated. It may be that making positive changes related to your intercourse life would also improve your relationship, and vice versa. " +"I have been diagnosed with general anxiety and depression by my family doctor. They wrote a prescription for me to have an emotional support dog, I have the paper work, and I gave it to my apartment manager. They said I can't keep the ESD because I'm not disabled. What do you suggest I do?"," This is tricky because there are different types of emotional support dogs. The ones that are officially trained actually go through months of training and then are paired with someone for whom they perform specific tasks. You may benefit from looking at the blog written by Valerie Parrott, who has an emotional support dog due to severe anxiety and panic. I will warn you that her blog is very blunt, but she is honest and she has gone through this process: https://thedogintheroom.wordpress.com/2016/06/20/what-makes-a-service-dog/#more-508 " +I don't know what to say. I have never really known who I am.," Because you put this under the category of spirituality, I'm not sure whether you are asking how you find yourself as far as religious or spiritual beliefs or overall. If you are talking about learning more about religious or spirituality, consider either going to or speaking with someone who is involved with a nondenominational church service (the Salvation Army usually has something) so you can discuss questions or ideas that you may have. As far as finding yourself in general, I suggest considering what makes you happy and/or comfortable. I also wonder if looking at the list of values here may be helpful to you: http://www.therapistaid.com/therapy-worksheet/values-clarification " +"My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore."," This sounds stressful. You mentioned that you want to learn how to avoid them. I'm not sure whether you want to avoid them overall or if you would like to ask your mom to maybe only talk to you about it for a few minutes about your niece in each conversation that you have. Maybe you can connect your mom with some support. It sounds as if she has lost part of herself and/or is very stressed out and in talking with you about it because she trusts you enough for you to be someone she can speak openly, you are becoming stressed because of things that you cannot directly change. This is the presumptive based on the amount of information that you posted, but it sounds like there is a bit of a circle of stress here. I also wonder who you could talk with when you are stressed. It may be helpful to see a local mental health professional to help redefine some boundaries so you can have the type of relationship with your mother that you want without necessarily feeling stressed out by it every day. " +"My fiancé and I recently had an argument over finances. He gives me the money each month to pay his automobile insurance. He no longer has one of the vehicles on the policy. He realized he was still paying for the coverage and asked why I was allowing him to continue to do that since I was physically paying it for him. My response was that he was giving me the money, and I just made the payment. I didn't think of the coverages. He was angry about it. I still can't figure out that anger."," A few things come to mind. I wonder if your fiancé is still angry about it or if he was angry in that moment and has now worked through it. It sounds like there was also a difference in expectations here. You were just  paying the bill with the money he was giving to you and he may have assumed you were reading it. You thought that you were following his directions. It could be that you could have a discussion about it, but that depends on how much of a hot button issue it still is for either of you. If you're going to talk about it, I might suggest asking whether this would be a good time to have a discussion about what happened with the automobile insurance so that you can both use the opportunity to learn more about yourselves and each other around this particular issue. " +"She said she needed space after three days of dating, and she got a boyfriend a week later. I still really miss her, and she told me she still likes me."," It sounds as if your ex-girlfriend is trying to figure out what type of relationship she is looking to have with you. There are lots of levels of relationships, from a basic acquaintance, to a more friendly acquaintance, to a friend, close friend, best friend, early romantic partner, committed romantic partner, and many more. If she is willing to have a conversation with you about her feelings, it may be helpful to have her explain her feelings to you while listening as an investigative reporter and asking questions that cannot be answered with yes or no, but are what are called open-ended questions, which ask her to provide more information. During this process, it would be helpful for you to try to think of it as not being personal, but just listening and trying to understand the experience from her perspective. After you have done this for five minutes (it's a rough estimate, but basically until you can restate what she is saying and she says you have it right), you can switch so she is asking you questions about how you are feeling. The goal is not necessarily to change the outcome, but to learn more about yourselves and each other. Then you may have an idea of where you stand in each other's eyes. " +"I recently went through a divorce. My ex-husband called my sister saying bad things about me. My sister never defended me. Now that I showed the truth, she's shutting me up and saying she doesn't care about the fight. Why didn't she convey that to him from the beginning?"," Unfortunately, I can't tell you what your sister was feeling or why she reacted that way. I can say that divorces can be difficult or confusing for everyone involved. While the divorce is most impactful for the couple going through it, the divorce itself also changes extended family dynamics. Also, a lot of people don't act the same way around extended family (or other people) as they do at home behind closed doors, so there are times when divorce is a real shock to everyone who was not directly involved in it. I wonder if you are at a place where you can shift your focus into looking at your relationship with your sister, how she is treating you, how you feel around her now, etc. I do not know how close you were before all of this and how close you feel now, but perhaps if you can assess your overall relationship, you could find a time when you could ask about this (why she didn't convey that to him from the beginning) in a way that is calm, not defensive, and is honestly looking for an answer from your sister, not looking to defend yourself at that moment. If that conversation can happen, it may be quite a difficult one, so it may be good to have something to think of to remind yourself that you are trying to gather information from her and him that conversation, it's not about you, but is about where she was coming from. After you think you understand that (I'm saying that you understand where she's coming from, not that you agree with what she's saying), you could see if she's willing to listen to how you feel about it. " +"I've known him for about six years. We've dated off and on. I hadn't seen him in close to three years but recently started seeing him again. I really want this to last this time. I stayed the night. Do I text, call, or make contact first, the same day of the morning I left his house?"," I don't see why you can't call, text, or make contact first. It would be up to him to reply when he can and wants to, but I don't know why you couldn't initiate contact. One thing to consider as you get to know each other better is having conversations about conversations. For example, you could say ""I'd like to call or text you more often, but I'm concerned about _____ (listing what you are most worried about)."" Then he can discuss his reaction and you can have a dialogue about it. " +"I'm a teenager, and while I've never been to any kind of therapist, I noticed I experience several anxiety symptoms. I frequently find myself not going out and following my parent around the house. I can't go into stores (grocery stores specifically) on my own, and when I do, I have to be on the phone with my dad the whole time. I also forget things a lot."," With the way you described your anxiety, it sounds like you have different types of anxiety. I'm not sure whether you have anxiety of public places, large crowds, being alone  (sometimes called separation anxiety), or some combination thereof. One thing that would be helpful would be to track your anxiety and see how anxious you are (on a scale of 1 to 10) in different situations. Also, if you know what leads up to your anxiety, it would be good to know this as well so you can look for patterns. As for forgetting things, you could be anxious because you are forgetting things or you could be forgetting things because you are anxious. When you are having anxiety, certain parts of your brain are overactive because you are in a kind of protective mode. It's also possible that forgetting things and anxiety are not related. Something else to try would be to notice where you feel your anxiety in your body and put your hand there is a way of giving yourself comfort. Another thing about anxiety is that having anxiety can lead to more worry about having more anxiety. One thing that helps for some people is to go to the regular primary care doctor to make sure that there are no physical problems (just for the regular physical) so they know that there are no physical problems and that the anxiety will lessen in a few minutes. Also, if you are able to notice your feet on the floor or your hips in the chair, this is helping you to be mindful of your body and connecting you to your surroundings. During this in combination with naming your emotions can be soothing as well. For example, in the grocery store, if you are feeling anxious, you could say to yourself ""I'm anxious right now and I'm okay"" while gently shifting your weight from one foot to the other. No one around you would notice what you were doing and the motion may be soothing to you. Anxiety can have a lot of different causes and things that trigger it. If it is difficult for you to work it out on your own (which is very common), consider talking with a local therapist so you can have more specific ideas. Also consider making a list of people who you trust and what it is about them that makes you feel comfortable. " +My fiancé and I broke up. He cheated on me numerous times. I kept forgiving but questioning his every move. He got tired and left.," There is a grieving process after losing a relationship (or any other major loss, such as a job, a house, etc.). One of the things to consider is give yourself a chance to go through the tasks of mourning:
  1. To accept the reality of the loss
  2. To process the pain of grief
  3. To adjust to a world without the person who has just left
  4. To find an enduring connection with that person in the midst of embarking on a new life. This could mean a lot of things, but it could be holding certain memories as your own.
You may also find things that make you feel happy or comfortable. It's also helpful to have people who you can talk to about your feelings and people who may be able to recognize things about you that you cannot see right now (such as how you are honest, committed to your work, a good listener, etc.). This takes some time. Try to be gentle with yourself. " +"My spouse decided he no longer wanted me six years ago. Things have deteriorated so badly that we have separated but still live in the same house. He says he despises the sight of me, wants to be with other women, and divorce. What I don't understand is that he says constantly that I have no feelings for him and gets absurdly jealous if I speak to another male. Why does he constantly do these behaviors? I might add he has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and as a narcissist."," It sounds like this is quite difficult. It sounds as if sometimes your spouse want you to be a part of his life (which could be a part of where the jealousy comes from) and sometimes he doesn't. Talking about this would likely be a delicate conversation and from what you mention he has been diagnosed with, I'm wondering if he has a therapist. If so, do you know whether he would allow you to come to one session so you can learn more about how he feels? Maybe he would be to use more of it because in the contained environment of an therapy office. This way at least you would know where he's coming from. You could also ask whether he is able to hear what you want, wish for, or desire between the two of you. Remember, just because you hear or follow what he is saying does not imply that you agree with him, although that concept in itself could be a subject of discussion because not everyone is aware of it. I hope that you are able to hold onto who you are and what you want throughout this. " +"Every time my partner gets angry for anything, she takes it out on me. Nothing I do is right, and once she's mad, she calls me all kinds of names and is verbally abusive. She says it isn't abuse, it's just angry verbal bashing, and that it's different. It gets worse each time. The names are very vulgar now."," One thing you could try is to talk to your partner when she's not angry about the following: I can't emphasize enough how important it is to have this discussion when there is not an argument going on. Perhaps you could mention that you would like to talk about something that is really important and see if the current time is a good time. If not, consider when in the next 24 to 48 hours would be a good time. It may also be helpful to discuss these ideas with a local therapist. The therapist may also be able to help both of you figure out where the anger is coming from and where she has learned to react this way. If it is abuse, it may be even more difficult to have these important discussions. It may be helpful for you to see a local therapist by yourself to assess things like physical and emotional safety. " +"I've always thought that there wasn't much good out there for me. Now that things are actually going well, it kind of scares me. I spent most of my life feeling unwanted and figured I would be alone. I recently met a great woman who seems to really like me, and I don't know how to process this. It's bothering both of us."," This can be really anxiety-producing when you have not felt it before. It may be helpful to work through some of this with a local therapist so you can get more specific ideas. Some other things that come to my mind are maybe talking about spending about 10 minutes or so discussing how you are feeling and seeing if your partner is willing to listen. Then you could ask questions about how she would react if you were doing something she did not like. This allows you to react to information she is actually giving you rather than your perceptions that sound like they are different than what she is trying to tell you. This gives you the power to receive the messages that she is sending to you. I would also wonder where you have learned that there wasn't much good out there for you and how you can stay present in the moment when you are with your girlfriend and see that she wants to be there with you. Perhaps you could look at what makes you feel emotionally safe and trusting with her and focus on that. You could even remind yourself ""okay, I'm here with [name of girlfriend] and this is okay when I'm with her."" We all have different levels of defenses in situations in which different people. It's common for people to see these things as black and white (either totally open or very self-protective. In reality, it's much more like a rainbow and the different shades of color that are available in the rainbow spectrum of white light (it's not really Just red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet that we all know, but an infinite spectrum of shades of colors that fade from one into the next). You can change your level of defensiveness with your girlfriend depending upon the location you are in, the mood you are both in, the subject, etc. There are infinite numbers of choices and you can experiment. Another thing that could help is to communicate about communication. If one of you uses a phrase that triggers something from earlier in your life or is really uncomfortable, you could discuss that. If she says certain things that make you feel really comfortable, you could discuss that as well. Hopefully you can learn more about yourselves and each other at the same time. " +"She's busy because her mom makes her clean all the time and go out places with her family. We don't talk much because of it. Also, we have little fights. We want to work it out but we don't know how."," Maybe you can start with having 15 minutes per week that you know you will be spending time with each other (even if it needs to be on the phone). Because this much time could be scheduled ahead of time, at least you would know there was that time that was set aside. That may also help you to rekindle some conversations between you. As far as your little fights, consider spending five minutes with one of you talking about one issue that is a concern and the other partner asking questions that are open-ended (cannot be answered with just yes or no) and listening as an investigative reporter to try to learn more about what the other person is experiencing. Then, once the partner who started speaking thinks the listening partner is understanding where they are coming from, switch. It's also good to restate what you think you are hearing. Then you know what each other is truly following about this. Also remember that following or understanding what someone is saying does not imply agreement, just that you are recognizing what they are saying and able to see where they are coming from. Also consider noticing what makes you feel valued, special, loved, or appreciated. Think of the same for your girlfriend. This could be a great discussion to have as well. " +"I'm a teenager, and I know the importance of my upcoming schooling. However, no matter how much I put in my best effort, my family thinks I have done zero effort in total. What can I do?"," First of all, I'm glad that you posted here and I'm glad that you recognize the importance of schooling. Where does your family get the idea that you are not putting in the effort? While people can interpret ""effort"" differently, with talking about schoolwork, I would think that your grades would show the effort that you are putting in. If you are getting good grades and you are saying that your family does not think your grades are good enough, maybe there could be a conversation where you are able to ask them what they are expecting from you (and try to listen without defending yourself for a few minutes) and then you could explain what you are doing to prepare. Maybe you could set time limits so you each have five minutes to discuss this (or less, if you think that would be better). If your grades are not as good as you would like and you are putting in the effort, I would still consider having a conversation like I mentioned above, and perhaps taking advantage of tutoring or other possibilities offered by your school. Just as a bit more information for you, I have been working with children, teenagers, and adults for more than nine years now. When someone tells me that they wish their child would do better in school, I always ask what that means. Sometimes it means that their grades are D's and F's. For other families, it means that the grades dropped below 95% and in that family, that is unacceptable. Perception makes a big difference here. If you are doing your best and accomplishing your goals, that is worth celebrating. " +"I'm trying to make marriage work after a split. Before our split, he lied a lot and broke every promise to me. I don't think he cheated. Last month, I asked what women work with him, so he told me. Yesterday, I found out about a girl that he said he forgot about. Should I be upset?"," Imagine your best friend just told you that her husband lied to her all the time and that he had broken every promise he ever made to her. What would you tell her? If I were her best friend I'd tell her to run the other way.  You may love this man. We don't choose who we love. But the evidence is pretty clear, isn't it?  A healthy relationship cannot be built on a foundation of lies and broken promises. I believe that as adults, we are always treated as well as we insist on being treated by our partners. If you continue to accept unacceptable behavior, you are likely to see lots more of it.  " +I don't know what to say. I have never really known who I am.," The older I get, the more I believe that our real task isn't to 'find' ourselves. We're already 100% ""there."" What we do have to do is become more mindful of the times when we feel the most alive, most happy, most creative, and most fully engaged with life. It is in those moments that we find ourselves. For example, I couldn't help loving the people or things I loved, no matter who tried to talk me out of them. All I needed to do was notice when my heart opened and I felt the most alive--not because I was afraid or addicted, but because in those moments, I was in contact with my highest self.  On the flip side, I needed to recognize the people and activities that consistently brought out the worst in me--the ones that made me feel controlled, constricted, dishonest, resentful, or afraid--and be honest about them.  Mindfulness of ""what already is"" is the key to finding yourself. Align yourself with the people and activities that matter most to you. Don't let old habits, crappy jobs, or mean-spirited people define you. Just stumble your way forward as best you can, with greater self-awareness followed by affirmative action..    " +"My best friend and I were pranking her friend, and I told her to tell him that she likes him. She said no, but I forced her. After she told him, he told her that he likes her too. Their friendship is ruined because of me. She won't forgive me, and I feel really guilty. I feel like crying."," This takes time. I don't know how long it has been, but perhaps if your friend is willing to discuss other things with you for a little while, you could discuss this at some point in the future. Hopefully the true intentions will become apparent (in the idea that it was a prank). Also, I encourage you to look at how this is affecting you and how you feel about yourself as well. If it was meant to be a joke and it did not work, that is not entirely your fault. I wonder how you could forgive yourself for what happened? This can be really difficult for multiple reasons, not the least of which is that it involves more than just you, so it's important to focus on the idea that you can ask these other people who were involved to discuss it, but that is ultimately up to them. Best wishes for looking at the positive parts of yourself and your friendships. " +"My older brother (in his 60s) started dating a lady with Asperger's. She is hyper-intercourseual and flirty. She does not understand boundaries. They've been dating for a few months, and she's talking marriage. Another sibling and his wife have met her, and they have said she is never invited back. My brother always picks similar ladies. Do we speak honestly and risk losing a relationship?"," This is tricky and quite delicate. I wonder if you could talk with your brother about whether he would be willing to have a discussion with you about something that is important to you. I would also suggest trying to make clear your true intentions. For example: I cannot underline enough the importance of having this come across as genuine, and for lack of a better word, gentle. I also be very honest with you that I cannot guarantee that he will react positively, neutrally, or even that he will have the discussion with you. Because it is true that he could choose to continue dating this girl and perhaps even hold it against you for a while, I would also encourage you to look at the importance of this to you and where you consider the risk-benefit ratio to be. " +"I had to put a restraining order against my ex-fiancé. He was served last night. He was mentally and verbally abusive towards me. I thought it was my nerves, but every time I stand up, I get sick. If I sit and rock, I'm fine."," Hello, and thank you for your question. You may be right, your physical symptoms of getting sick to your stomach may very well be your nerves or anxiety. That is totally normal and understandable given your circumstances. Another thing that is not unusual is that you feel better when you sit and rock. That is actually a fairly common way that many people comfort themselves in times of high stress. If you are concerned that there is an actual physical illness causing these symptoms, you may want to visit your primary care provider. They may tell you that they don't see anything physically wrong with you, and at that point you may want to visit a counselor about the symptoms and your relationship experience. A visit with a counselor may be a good idea either way. I work as a counselor in primary care, and I promise you that many people have very real physical symptoms when they have gone through abuse. Unexplainable stomach and headaches are very common. Sometimes, with counseling, those physical symptoms actually stop. Be well, and I hope you feel better soon. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCC " +"I'm trying to make marriage work after a split. Before our split, he lied a lot and broke every promise to me. I don't think he cheated. Last month, I asked what women work with him, so he told me. Yesterday, I found out about a girl that he said he forgot about. Should I be upset?"," I would ask you first what made you give him another chance after he repeatedly lied and broke every promise to you?  I would imagine if he repeatedly lied to you that it will damage your ability to trust him now.  Is he in therapy? Does he recognize that he has a problem and is he trying to repair it?  Even if he truly forgot to tell you about the woman at work I think the real issue here is TRUST.  I am not saying that he doesn't have a lying problem.  Instead of asking someone else if you should be upset, ask yourself how you truly feel about him and this situation.   " +My fiancé and I broke up. He cheated on me numerous times. I kept forgiving but questioning his every move. He got tired and left.," if he as cheated on you multiple times it is not healthy for you to continue seeing him.  However It takes time to heal your pain. You are not a robot that can just switch off your emotions.  Please surround yourself with people who can support and empower you.  " +"She has lied about every aspect of her life. She's created three fake relationships. The most recent one is concerning because she has fake photos, phone calls, and text messages, and it's with a married man with kids. Her lying is becoming dangerous because she could ruin lives.", Have an honest and open conversation with her about how her behavior is negatively impacting you ( and others).  You will feel good knowing you did the right thing.   +"I'm a teenage gay girl, and I'm in love with a girl a few years older than me. She loves me too, but we're not physically together at the moment. I've been thinking about being transgender soon too, but my family doesn't accept me, so I honestly don't know what to do about that because I feel like I have to constantly hide the real me. It hurts so much to hide the real me. What can I do?"," They would probably be helpful to speak with a local mental health professional about this, not because there's anything wrong with the real you, but because having these conversations can be difficult and you may choose to talk about your real self in different ways with different people. Maybe you could talk about your concerns with your significant other and discuss different ways you may be able to discuss your relationship that fit with how each of you defines your love for one another. Because you are saying openly that you are gay, and it sounds like you already identify yourself as gay, as compared to considering being transgender ""soon,"" it may be worth considering disclosing the fact that you are gay now and disclosing the idea that you are transgender after you have worked through that yourself. I would like for you to be able to be true to yourself and show the real you. It could also be that you already know that you are transgender, but with the way that you  phrased it here, I'm not certain. Here is a link to a hotline that you may want to consider using. The Trevor Project is about helping teenagers who identify as LGBTQ: http://www.thetrevorproject.org/ Here is another national site where you may be able to find a local chapter: https://www.pflag.org/ I don't know what you mean when you said that your family will not accept you, but since you are concerned about your family's reaction, I would suggest that it may be helpful to have a therapist or some other support in place before telling your family. The decision of whether or not to wait longer to tell them is ultimately yours, but I wonder if you have a likelihood of explaining what you are experiencing in a way that would be truer to you and also perhaps easier for your family to follow if you had time to process it with supportive people first. Please remember that you are not alone in this. There are people in the world who can and will accept you for who you are. " +"This is my recovery, and I don't feel that it is okay for them to ask this. They told me it is policy due to the fact that I may run into a peer there. I am a peer counselor in the small community that I grew up in. I am in recovery myself. I was asked to come work for this organization after I was two years sober (I was in treatment in this organization). I work with mental health peers and run life skill groups. I don't work with substance peers."," Hello, and thank you for your question. I know that workplaces have some latitude when it comes to requiring certain behaviors from their employees. For example, they may require you to tell them if you get into some kind of legal trouble. But this situation seems completely different. For one thing, 12 step meetings are supposed to be anonymous. I am not sure how they would know that you attended unless you or someone else told them. I agree that it seems like to cross a line. Usually each state has an office that manages complaints related to employment, such as the Department of Labor or EEOC. You may want to see which entity is in your state and contact them. It would be worth asking them to see if this is a legal practice. If it is but you still want/need to stay at this job, then you may want to look for alternate sources of support for your sobriety. There are active online support groups that would allow you to do things from the privacy of your home. SMART Recovery http://www.smartrecovery.org/ is a website that many people like. There are also online groups that specifically discuss the 12 steps. No matter what, I give you a lot of credit for doing your best to keep your sobriety and continuing to see the value in having support. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCC " +"I'm trying to make marriage work after a split. Before our split, he lied a lot and broke every promise to me. I don't think he cheated. Last month, I asked what women work with him, so he told me. Yesterday, I found out about a girl that he said he forgot about. Should I be upset?"," Is really difficult to tell whether he honestly forgot about someone or whether he was really lying again. I don't know whether he would be open to having a discussion with you about your concerns about this and whether you would be actually willing to listen to your thoughts about it. This might be something to discuss with a local therapist so that you can look at the patterns of lying in the past as well as whether you have a way to discuss this with your husband in the way that you would feel comfortable feeling vulnerable with your own feelings and also listening to what his responses are. This is difficult because I imagine you have a react very quickly and strongly to things like this because of what has happened in the past between you. All of this make sense. Having said that, there is also a question of whether he is telling the truth in this particular case and your reaction is based on past events. There's no easy way to know. If you do decide to have a discussion with your husband about it,  consider these things: " +"I'm trying to make marriage work after a split. Before our split, he lied a lot and broke every promise to me. I don't think he cheated. Last month, I asked what women work with him, so he told me. Yesterday, I found out about a girl that he said he forgot about. Should I be upset?", +"I told her that if daddy dies, we will never see him again. She started crying because I wouldn't make her daddy die."," Toddlers don't have the intellectual capacity to conceptualize. Better to find out why she wants daddy to die than explain the future consequences of death to your toddler. A person must be around 9, possibly 8 years old before absorbing the potential effects of an action taken in present time. Pretty much your toddler demonstrated to you here age appropriate and limited understanding of the loss of a parent, by crying that you weren't able to magically make her father disappear. Also, please pay attention and form your own opinions as to the reasons why your toddler would wish her father's death. She may be pointing out that the father behaves in frightening or harmful ways towards her. " +I don't know what to say. I have never really known who I am.," Start by giving yourself enough quiet and time to remember about yourself what feels steady and consistent in your nature and interactions with others. Give yourself the freedom to your interest in having interests.  Are you motivated because of competing with others or because an activity itself feels satisfying? If you are able to develop a sense of defining yourself without fear of judging yourself, you will start coming close to knowing who you are. " +"My husband and I have been married for seven years, and in that time, we have only had intercourse four or five times. Others have told me that most men would have left me by now. Honestly, I think I have a low intercourse drive or neither one of us actually knows what we are doing. I want to be better connected with my husband."," The numbers you write are low compared to how much intercourse many other people would be satisfied having. The key is your and your husband's satisfaction with the amount of intercourse you are having. And, know if there are reasons besides low intercourse drive that possibly explain this. Knowing the other possibilities matter because a low intercourse life may mean one of you is being satisfied intercourseually outside the marriage or that one of you prefers intercourse with a same gendered partner. If you've ruled out these possibilities, and you are satisfied with your emotional and financial life in the relationship, then a low intercourse drive may simply be the norm for the two of you. " +"My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore."," Then one day when life between you and mom feels calm, tell your mom that you aren't able to listen to her complaints about your sister. The truth exists whether or not it is acknowledged.   Bu acknowledging what feels real and necessary in your life, you are helping your mom see what she may not like to see and what nevertheless is right in front of her. There is no good reason or good to come of hiding your own truth about not wishing to continue listening to your mom complain. " +"My fiancé and I recently had an argument over finances. He gives me the money each month to pay his automobile insurance. He no longer has one of the vehicles on the policy. He realized he was still paying for the coverage and asked why I was allowing him to continue to do that since I was physically paying it for him. My response was that he was giving me the money, and I just made the payment. I didn't think of the coverages. He was angry about it. I still can't figure out that anger."," I'd be more worried generally about a fiancee who assumes you are responsible for tracking what in fact are his responsibilities, than about the anger per se. What you describe holds the seeds of classic abusive behavior, which is blaming the partner for what in fact are the person's own responsibilities. Start by withdrawing yourself from paying his bills. If he is on his own in terms of tracking what and when is due regarding his auto policy, then surely the only one for him to blame will be himself. Stay clear of involving yourself in doing favors for him if the favor involves something that he is the one accountable. Tell him it is so the relationship remains fair for each of you. " +"My wife and I got separated because I asked about her contact with a male friend of hers. The next day, she kicked me out. She let me move back two days later. Yesterday, she said she wanted a divorce then quickly changed her mind. I asked if the other guy was a factor, but she says it's not my business."," Divorce is a serious, life altering decision. It is best to decide any serious matter through reflection and discussion. Start by knowing what you want from the marriage and why you are willing to move in or out of your own house because your wife tells you to do this. Each of you would benefit from more clarity of what you expect and would like from each other. Does your wife want a boyfriend in addition to the marriage to you? Is she willing to drop the male contact? Does she care how you feel about her contact with the other guy? You need answers and knowledge about the definition of your marriage. Since there are many areas to open, all of which are filled with emotion, including pain, if you're not able to make satisfactory progress then a licensed couples therapist may be useful to you and your partner. " +"I am a heterointercourseual male in my late 20s. I find myself wearing pantyhose, heels, skirts and other women's clothing in private. I am torn on how to feel about it. I enjoy it very much. I have had a pantyhose/stocking fascination and other kinky fetish interests since I was young. I have no history of intercourseual abuse growing up. I am currently single."," Let yourself enjoy crossdressing! What sounds in your way are whatever beliefs you gre up hearing, see and absorb currently. Concentrate on your own satisfaction and that you are doing this in a non-harming way. Maybe if you branch out your interest by finding other people who enjoy crossdressing as much as you do. With any interest or activity, social interaction supports it. " +"My wife and I got separated because I asked about her contact with a male friend of hers. The next day, she kicked me out. She let me move back two days later. Yesterday, she said she wanted a divorce then quickly changed her mind. I asked if the other guy was a factor, but she says it's not my business."," This has to be very confusing. I wonder if the two of you would be able to have a conversation about what it is that she would like you to know about what happened yesterday and the day before so you know what message she wanted you to get out of all of that. I would also recommend seeing a local mental health professional. If you go yourself, you could at least discuss your marriage and your own thoughts and feelings about it. If you go together, I would suggest you see a therapist who specializes in couples. " +"I found the guy I'm dating on dating websites. He was telling women that they were beautiful. He said it wasn't him and that the phone was hacked. It has since happened two other times. He says he loves me and I'm the only girl he wants to be with, but I feel he is not telling me the truth."," I would suggest possibly talking about the type of relationship that both of you want to create. For example, you may want a relationship where honesty, listening, compassion, and romanticism are major parts. You could also see what your boyfriend wants. You may also consider taking five minutes to see if he will listen to your feelings about him being on the dating site and whether he can work to learn more about what you are experiencing with asking open-ended questions (not being answered with yes or no) and restating what you are saying to see if he has it right. After that, perhaps you could switch so that you can listen to his perspective for five minutes and learn more about what he is doing by asking open-ended questions. Remember that it takes two people to have  a relationship, so the choice is yours as to whether you choose to stay in the relationship and what kind of relationship you would like to have. " +"I am a heterointercourseual male in my late 20s. I find myself wearing pantyhose, heels, skirts and other women's clothing in private. I am torn on how to feel about it. I enjoy it very much. I have had a pantyhose/stocking fascination and other kinky fetish interests since I was young. I have no history of intercourseual abuse growing up. I am currently single."," If you enjoy cross-dressing and are comfortable with how you feelaand aware of your own thoughts and feelings about it in private as compared to in public,  I see no problem with that. If you would like to become more comfortable with it or express more feelings about it, I recommend that you  see a local mental health professional, not because there is anything wrong with what you are doing, but so you can learn more about yourself in the process. You may find  that doing this in private and having a partner  who accepts that is your view of how you would like things to be. You may discover that you would like to do this in public. I appreciate your honesty. " +"A lot of times, I avoid situations where I am to meet new people because I have a fear of embarrassing myself. I often avoid large groups of people, like parties, because I think they all constantly judge me."," Hello, and thank you for your question. First, I want you to know that you are certainly not alone on this issue. Everyone, at some point in time, has a fear of public embarrassment. But for many people, this fear can become so awful that it begins to have a real negative impact on their quality of life.  They will try to avoid any situation that they even THINK will cause them embarrassment or anxiety. Escaping a possible embarrassing moment by avoiding or isolating may cause some relief at first, but then many times the avoidance will eventually lead to loneliness, isolation, and even despair. By avoiding, we can also miss out on things that make us feel alive and bring enjoyment. There are many self-help books that offer advice on this issue. You can do an internet search, and I recommend reading the reviews of the book. That is  great way to find out if others have found the book helpful. Another option is to seek a counselor to help you with this fear. I would recommend a counselor who specializes in helping people who have anxiety or social anxiety. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy is  a good choice for helping with anxiety, but there are many others. The truth is that anxiety and fear of embarrassing ourselves is not something that any of us will ever ""get over"", but we can learn to respond to those feelings differently. A colleague may offer some other advice, as well.. Be well Robin Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC " +"I'm currently struggling with diagnosed depression, anxiety, and Misophonia. Also, I am 99% sure I have Borderline Personality Disorder and Avoidant Personality Disorder. I read the DSM-IV, taken college psychology, etc. I know it in my heart I have them. Is self-diagnosing okay with the right research?"," Hello, and thank you for your question. Self-diagnosing is something that we all do about one health issue or another. Taking a guess about what may or may not be happening to us is completely normal, however the actual clinical diagnoses of a mental health disorder requires a licensed mental health professional. Here are a few reasons for this: 1. Making a clinical diagnosis often requires other things besides matching up the symptoms of a disorder. To come to a diagnoses for any of the things you mentioned, a counselor would consult the DSM, but they may also use some type of screening tool, assessment or scale. Many disorders have similarities and it requires someone with training to tease out the differences in the symptoms. 2. Our judgement is sometimes off when it comes to assessing ourselves. We really can't be objective. Something as serious as determining a diagnosis really needs to be done by someone who has that objectivity. In addition, once you know your diagnosis, treating it usually requires help from a professional. 3. Sometimes the symptoms of a mental health disorder makes self-diagnoses impossible, in and of itself. For example, someone could be having hallucinations or delusions and not realize it. That would clearly make it impossible for them to diagnose themselves. There a many examples where something like this could happen with different mental health disorders. There are other reasons, but these are three important ones. Now, does this mean that you are wrong about your diagnosis? Maybe not. You may be correct. But, it is important to get this confirmed by a professional mental health clinician. If a disorder is then found, you can begin to talk about treatment. Hope this was helpful. Be well. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCC " +"I was the one who ended it, and I'm so glad I did. It was the best decision I made in my life. But how do I stop the nightmares and flashbacks? It is creating a wall in my current relationship.",It sounds like you have not had the opportunity to process through the trauma you have endured. It would help if you have the opportunity to speak with someone on a regular basis until the symptoms of your trauma have subsided. +I am becoming a Water Safety Instructor but I didn't have enough for a proper swimsuit. I was told by a boy in class that my top was displaying everything. I was very embarrassed.," First of all, congratulations to you on becoming a Water Safety Instructor. As far as how to forgive yourself, this is probably one of the toughest things that we ask of ourselves, no matter the subject. On the other hand, it sounds like the location of the mistake means that after you get through the class, you won't see the same people much longer, so hopefully the embarrassment will be temporary. As far as the class, maybe you can give yourself compassion for the idea that we all make mistakes and it certainly sounds like it wasn't intentional. I think we have all had a swimsuit shift in unwanted direction. Trying to make sure that the same thing doesn't happen again would probably be helpful, but it sounds like you are already doing that. Something else you could do is think of something you can say to yourself when someone says something embarrassing about that occurrence, such as ""it was an accident and I have fixed it now."" You may find some helpful tips here http://tinybuddha.com/blog/let-go-past-mistakes-6-steps-forgiving/ or here http://psychcentral.com/lib/how-do-you-forgive-yourself/ . These are not meant to be resources related to religion, but it is mentioned in a few places. " +I feel too scared to meet people I don't know - even relatives. I don't ever raise my hand or talk in school. I feel like no one understands. How can I handle this?," Congratulations on your courage to ask this question! This shows you are willing to engage with other people, just not in all situations, especially the in person ones. Start by ""meeting"" yourself. Reflect as thoroughly as possible as to what you imagine will be the outcome of meeting others or of speaking up during a class. Some people are afraid of being criticized or judged by other people, or do this to themselves inwardly.   If you are judging or criticizing yourself to be less worthy of having opinions or views or of being who you are, than others, then the thought of actually placing yourself in this situation, would feel intolerable. One way to move out from this position of feeling less than others, is to recognize that these feelings are inside of you. Then it is possible to know at least on an intellectual level that it is not true that any one person is superior to another. All the people whom you are afraid to meet, also have their own insecurities. We are all equal in worth and in having blindspots about ourselves. Also, it is possible that you are naturally shy and may be expecting more from yourself than is reasonable, in terms of a standard about meeting others. You may have a few fears of being judged unfairly, you may also simply not enjoy being around people very much. Be aware to not push yourself beyond your natural limits.  Overcoming fears of being judged is different than forcing yourself to do what is against your basic nature. " +"Sometime when small thing happen, like losing a comb, I get furious. I even start throwing things. Do I have a problem?"," Anyone who asks whether or not they have a problem, usually feels at least partly, that they do have a problem. Your answer to the question is what matters. Since you already understand that your reaction is overstated to the events which trigger them, the reactions you're having are more than likely anger that is leftover from past events, either in the near or distant past. Be aware, consider, reflect on  how you usually handle feeling angry.   Based on your description here, it is quite likely that the anger you show toward what you call ""little things"" reflect anger at much bigger matters that are uncomfortable and not easy to understand. Knowing more about the more significant matters causing frustration for you, may very likely decrease reacting angrily toward smaller matters. " +"She mostly targets me on social media. The bullying used to be much worse, but it is still going on. The comments are so vague, but I know that they are meant for me. Even when I confront her, she messages me short phrases to try to get in my head. If I try to fight back, she will ruin me."," Sorry to hear of your problem situation.  Feeling intimidated by another person is very unsettling. Stop having contact with the person. Bullies only interact with others either by intimidating someone or by themselves feeling intimidated by someone. Bullies do not have the same dynamics as everyone else. No one can convince or persuade or talk a bully out of their behavior. The best protection for yourself, assuming you are not being physically threatened by the person, is to close contact with them. This does not take away any of the disappointment or sadness of wishing for a better relationship with the person. Until the bully wants to interact differently with others, only harm can result from contact with them. Step one is to stop the bleeding, then to assess and learn to live with not having the person in your life. " +I feel too scared to meet people I don't know - even relatives. I don't ever raise my hand or talk in school. I feel like no one understands. How can I handle this?," It certainly sounds like you have some anxiety. Before deciding whether it was social anxiety or a more general type of anxiety, I would wonder what it is that you think will result from you raising your hand or talking to someone you don't know. Here is some information on social anxiety: https://socialanxietyinstitute.org/what-is-social-anxiety I would recommend talking to a local mental health professional. It sounds like your anxiety is affecting your daily life and there are lots of strategies that may help to lessen that. Thanks for being brave to post here. " +My boyfriend and I have been arguing every night about the same thing. He also tells me that if I go visit my mother out of state he will be gone when I get back. He and my mother do not get along. What should I do?," It's ultimately your decision whether or not you go to see your mother. I'm not sure whether talking with her on the phone or through some videoconferencing application (such as Skype) would be something you could do in the meantime until you sort out what you want to do. Some things I wonder are: If you decide to talk about these things with your boyfriend, try to do the following: I'm sure this is putting you in a very tough place. If you would like to talk to someone more directly about the details, consider seeing a local mental health professional. " +"When my boyfriend gets in a snit, he gives me the silent treatment for days. When I ask what is wrong, I get nothing: no reply, no phone call. If he does reply, it is something very sarcastic and hurtful. He never admits he is wrong and never apologizes."," This has to be very difficult to endure. It's pretty common for members of a couple to have different ways of resolving conflict. Very often, one person wants to deal with the conflict right away or shortly thereafter and the other person wants to wait. One thing that sometimes works is to consider having a conversation when you are not upset with one another about taking some sort of timeout and setting a timeframe for something like ""I cannot talk about this now, but we can talk about it in two hours."" My best guess is that your boyfriend is triggered by some previous relationship, either romantic or in childhood. If he is aware of something that he thinks or feels when you ask him to resolve conflict or to discuss it, it would be good to know what that is. It could even be that he's learned to handle conflict that way. Something else you could try is to have a conversation where you each discuss what is acceptable for what is acceptable for each of you during an argument and what is not. These sorts of discussions can be very difficult and you may benefit from working through them with a mental health professional who has some experience working with couples. As far as what you can do now, perhaps you can remind yourself that these things have worked out before, that you love him and believe that he loves you, or some other statements that are true for you. You may also consider finding ways to soothe yourself. For example, you may find that you like certain outdoor activities or reading a certain type of book or something else that gives you pleasure. " +"Sometime when small thing happen, like losing a comb, I get furious. I even start throwing things. Do I have a problem?"," I don't like the word ""problem"".  It is such a strong word.  However I would say that you have an issue that needs to be addressed and controlled before it directed at the wrong person and gets totally out of control.  I have found that anger management classes has been helpful for my clients.  Try and see if it will help.  You will be surprised at what you learn about your self. " +"I am a peaceful person, but I often find myself having thoughts about killing people. Eventhough I like the thoughts at the time, they make me cry. Why do I feel like this?"," Hello, and thank you for your question. Clearly this is something that has you very concerned. Sometimes thoughts are just thoughts, and they are pretty harmless. Many people have thoughts of killing someone, but they would never actually do it. They really don't even want to do it, they are just having a thought. Other times, thoughts are a sign of something more serious, and we should receive help when they start to worry us. I would recommend meeting with a counselor to discuss these thoughts. It is usually a safe environment where you can get advice with little judgement. Now, If you begin to start thinking about killing someone specific and making a plan to do it in reality- you should call for help immediately. By help, I mean 9-11, or a family member or friend. You would want to get help before doing something to harm yourself and others. Again, none of this is to judge, but rather to encourage you to get the help you're seeking. Either way, when we become concerned about some aspect of our behavior, seeking counseling is usually a good choice. Be well, Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCC " +"After he got home from the hospital he was angry, then for a time wonderful. Now he is depressed and hopeless again."," This is actually more common then we often realize, and actually understandable, as he has gone through a trauma, an unresolved existential crisis.  He was taken care of by others and now is again left alone with his own internal, and rather horrific inner struggle. In my work with CCT, or Contextual Conceptual Therapy, (see www.suicidetherapy.com) I have learned how trapped suicidal people are in their own isolation, also called a ""mysterious isolation,"" a form of self protection which cuts the off from their Self, or spirit.  And unless they address this message from their soul, accompany a guide on a journey to discover their own missing information, that is to recognize how their own uncomforted emotional pain has resulted in a coping stategy which has effectively cut themselves off from their own beauty, their Self, and their ability to receive love from themselves and others.  Their attempt to kill themselves is a cry from their soul or spirit that they cannot live the life they are living any longer.  They take this literally and try to end their life, when in fact what their soul or spirit is saying is they need to begin to live the life they came here to live.   " +I have three children. The oldest is nine and not my biological child. The middle child is three and the youngest is one. I have a great relationship with the oldest two children but I haven't developed the same level of attatchment to the youngest child. I rarely want her around and look forward to her nap times. Is this normal?," This is your experience, your feeling and you are wondering if it is normal, which means is this common or the rule.  This question about how you feel about your third child leads me to believe you are dis- turbed [etymology: agitated or stirred up].  Feelings are messages from our soul or spirit that something is not right.  So, though  it might be normal [common, the rule]  to look forward to a one year olds nap time when you have a three year old a nine year old, the dis- turbance or stirring up in you, is important and requires your attention, your listening, if you will to your higher self.       " +"After he got home from the hospital he was angry, then for a time wonderful. Now he is depressed and hopeless again."," Hello, and thank you for your question. This is a very serious time. I don't mean to frighten you, but you are right to be concerned. The time right after people leave the hospital after receiving psychiatric services is a time of high risk for suicide. It is very important, after hospitalization, to get follow-up care with a professional as soon as possible. If your husband has an established therapist, this is the time to call. It is also a good time to alert your support system of friends, family, clergy or others to let them know he is still struggling. This is good support for him AND you. It is important to think about means and opportunity to make another attempt. Means really do matter.  So, if you have a firearm in the home, it is really important to remove it. You can't remove all things that a person may hurt themselves with, but some things are more lethal than others. Firearms are very lethal. I am not sure what means he used last time, but try to reduce the opportunity for him to access it again. This is where your support system can help out. People can take turns hanging out with him until you are sure the crisis is over. If you believe that an attempt is going to occur, talk to your husband about going back to the hospital. If he refuses, you will want to find out what your options are to have him go even if he doesn't want to. I know the thought of that really hurts, but it can save his life. Calling 9-1-1 is always a good option if you are not sure. Usually a suicide crisis, meaning they want to harm themselves right now, lasts a few minutes, hours or days. Sometimes when you get them through the crisis stage, they no longer want to commit suicide. But, as you are indicating, that feeling of wanting to commit suicide can come back again. So, it is always good to have a plan. If you want more information, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. They will always answer: 1-800-273-8255. They can help you create a specific safety plan. I do hope things work out alright. Be well. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCC " +"How do therapists classify the type of personality their clients have? What characteristics do they look at to decide what type of personality the client has? I've read about this online, but I'd like to understand this from a therapist's point of view."," That's a great question. There is such a wide range of ways to define ""personality"" that it is difficult to identify specific characteristics that are used to identify personality types. That being said, some clinicians will use standardized tests (or assessments) to assess a client's type of personality. While these tests can't tell us everything about a person, they can help us understand where we are within larger groups of different personality styles. Some counselors will also use a diagnostic tool (like the DSM or ICD) to help a client understand a diagnosis that is related to a personality disorder. " +What do you do when a therapist and a parent drugs a child and makes up lies in order to stop the other parent's custody visitation?," This sounds like a potentially serious situation. The most important thing is to make sure the child is safe.  If you suspect that a child is (or has been) harmed, I would strongly recommend that you report your concerns to your local law enforcement or to Child Protective Services. If you don't think that a child is in danger, you can still report your suspicion of counselor misconduct to the state regulatory board. " +"How do therapists classify the type of personality their clients have? What characteristics do they look at to decide what type of personality the client has? I've read about this online, but I'd like to understand this from a therapist's point of view."," This is a great question, and I am happy to have the opportunity to explain my approach. When I am determining what type of personality a client has, I take my time and really absorb their lens/ point of view to themselves and others. Determining a personality type takes some time getting to know the person, and building rapport. After taking time to get to know them, and learning about their view they have of themselves and others, it is important to pick-up on more specific personality traits, which comprehensively contribute to a personality type. Clinicians, including myself, often witness certain traits that are enduring and consistent, which indicate a type of personality. For example, if a therapist is noticing that a client is exhibiting traits of organization, needing to be on time, planning, and perfectionism, these traits contribute to the ""type A personality"". In addition to utilizing clinical judgment, clinicians often use personality assessments and follow the guidelines of the DSM-5/ ICD-10.  " +"This is my recovery, and I don't feel that it is okay for them to ask this. They told me it is policy due to the fact that I may run into a peer there. I am a peer counselor in the small community that I grew up in. I am in recovery myself. I was asked to come work for this organization after I was two years sober (I was in treatment in this organization). I work with mental health peers and run life skill groups. I don't work with substance peers."," You definitely want to make sure not to inadvertently create an inappropriate dual relationship with a client.  In fact, it is not uncommon for state regulatory boards to determine that a clinician and client being in the same 12 step group is professional misconduct.  You might want to consider attending a 12 step meeting that is located in a different community than the one you work in.  Another option would be to look for one-on-one or small group recovery support. " +They discontinued treatment for no apparent reason after they thought to diagnose me with schizophrenia.," The general rule against medical abandonment says thst whenever healthcare providers discontinue treatment with you when you still need it, they are legally required to make sure that you have access to another provider of equal or higher ability. In this case, if your treatment team decided to discontinue your treatment based on a diagnosis of schizophrenia, they still will likely be required to provide you with a referral to someone who can provide you with treatment. If you haven't already done so, I'd recommend that you explicitly ask for a referral. " +"My boyfriend and I have a toxic relationship due to his emotional and verbal abuse but he makes me feel like I could never find someone better, and that I can't be happy without him. + +How do I get away from this relationship?"," I'm glad you recognize your own best interest and that your life will be much better without verbal and emotional abuse. One of the terrible results of being abused in a relationship which is expected to be loving, safe and supportive, is that the one who is being abused, starts to question their own judgement, rights, opinions, overall way of thinking. This happens because partners who are intimately involved with one another are very meaningful.  Regardless of how irrational, wrong, mean, selfish, intimidating, thoughtless, a partner is to the other, the person on the receiving side gradually starts questioning whether they are wrong for not accepting these sorts of interactions. Stick with what your own intuition tells you. There is a part within each of us which knows the truth of what is going on. Leaving a relationship is always difficult to some degree.  People are in familiar patterns of daily behavior, no one wants to suddenly ""be alone"", even if this only means showing up as a physical body, not as a truly loving partner, no one wants to start telling others about a breakup, answer questions about it, feel blamed, worry what others think. These are secondary matters to following the truth in your own heart. Listen to yourself about leaving this guy. Your inner self does not lie to you. " +"I empathize so much, even with characters on tv or in video games, that I actually feel physical pain. This has made life difficult to say the least. + +I believe I have an actually case of something called hyper empathy disorder. But since it's such a new disorder I can't find any information about it. Could this be what is going on with me?"," The world needs more people lately who have such a high degree of empathy which you describe in yourself! If it feels a little burdensome, then look to balance what is too much with its opposite.   Since you're giving a lot of empathy, maybe you'd like receiving a lot of empathy. In the situation you describe, when you start empathizing with others, real or cartoon, ask yourself whether you've felt empathy coming in your direction lately. Often people give to others what they feel within themselves is missing. The emotional brain reasons that if I give you my support, say, then at least I will feel half of what being supported is like. Obviously the wish to receive more empathy cannot be fulfilled by you directly.  Empathy is delivered by someone who is willing to offer it. Reflect on whether you are allowing those who are in your world, to know when you would like to receive their empathy. Is it possible you keep your feelings to yourself and present as though you are able to handle a great deal more than you'd like to handle without anyone's kindness to support you? Being open to others about your own inner thoughts and feelings is much more difficult than it sounds. It sounds easy to just tell someone how you feel. Sometimes the first step is the most difficult, of accessing how you feel. Start with knowing the amount of empathy you'd like from others and what stops you from asking. Also, about your diagnosis and the lack of  studies and lists and formulas.  Each person is unique, the instructions and guidelines don't necessarily mean very much.  Often having a diagnosis makes a person feel weak, stigmatized, incompetent.  Forget the diagnosis and concentrate on what you need to do differently in order to feel better. The answers are inside you, not inside a book or website. " +"After he got home from the hospital he was angry, then for a time wonderful. Now he is depressed and hopeless again."," The fact that you're reaching out for help here is really helpful. The first thing I would suggest is that you consider seeing a local mental health professional yourself to be able to talk about the details, how this is affecting you, and how you can hold onto you are while also being supportive to you husband. From the way that you describe this, I wonder what has changed since coming home from the hospital. Perhaps you can have a conversation with your husband this and mention that you are asking him questions to learn more about his experience and you can discuss how you notice that things were going much better when he came home from the hospital, and now things are not as good. Perhaps he can tell you about what is different so that you may know him would be most helpful to him. I also hope that you husband is still continuing with his own treatment. There may also be a local peer support telephone number for the county that you live in that they be able to help you determine whether your husband needs more immediate treatment if he is feeling hopeless again. There are national crisis telephone numbers listed below as well. " +"I am an international student, and it is my first semester in graduate school in the United States. I faced a cultural shock, and I was so depressed when I arrived here. My counselor in the university was my savior. He helped me a great deal. Now I am going back to my country for a vacation. I was thinking to get him something special with my country's name on it, and I remembered that he likes wine. My country is known for that. Is it appropriate to give him wine as a gift after Christmas?"," I don't think it's appropriate to give your counselor a bottle of wine. Your counselor helped you and supported you, which is great, But a gift is inappropriate. I can understand that you want to show your gratitude. There are many other ways to do that. You could drop your counselor a note or card, thank him in person, or tell him how much he helped you. These small gestures can be very meaningful for both of you.  " +I need to get on base to see my doctor. My ID card was in my wallet which was stolen. I'm unable to reach my husband at this time. He is only one who can take me on base in order to get a new ID so I can continue to see doctor. Is there anything I can do?, You should be able to get a replacement ID card either from the Personnel Office on your local base (the actual name of this office will vary depending on which branch of the military it is). You may also be required to go to the Military Police or Security office on base to report the loss of your old ID card. +"I start counseling/therapy in a few days (I'm freaking out) but my main fear is that I'll cry and embarrass myself, is it something to worry about?"," Please do not worry about crying. People cry, laugh, rage, rant, and talk during counseling sessions. Part of the therapy process is to look at your feelings, and to feel what you are actually feeling (instead of what you think you should feel). So if you need to cry, that's ok. If you feel embarrassed because you cried, or if you feel anxious that you might cry, well those feelings are ok as well. Your counselor can help you manage your feelings so that you can attain your goals, and your counseling session is the perfect place for that. " +"I start counseling/therapy in a few days (I'm freaking out) but my main fear is that I'll cry and embarrass myself, is it something to worry about?"," Oh, crying in therapy is very normal! I have a stack of kleenex boxes in my office. Cry away, therapist are very used to it:) First time being in therapy is scary, but you'll soon know if you are a good match.  " +"I start counseling/therapy in a few days (I'm freaking out) but my main fear is that I'll cry and embarrass myself, is it something to worry about?"," Please feel free to cry during therapy if you suddenly feel painful emotions arising when you describe some of your unsatisfying and unfulfilling relationships and situations. Crying when realizing the emotional hurt and unfairness between you and someone, clears you for new ways of handling interactions. As a therapist, I always have a box of tissues on the table next to the couch where people who utilize my therapy, sit. I hope you will soon discover that once your tears unlock your awareness of harmful relationships in your life, you will quickly see the freedom to establish new and happier patterns of relating. Have a good therapy! " +"I start counseling/therapy in a few days (I'm freaking out) but my main fear is that I'll cry and embarrass myself, is it something to worry about?"," People do cry in therapy sometimes, but it's not at all necessary to cry in order for most kinds of therapy to be helpful. When you start counseling you don't yet know your counselor very well, so it's normal to keep your feelings in check until you feel comfortable and a bit more relaxed with your counselor and with the situation. Sometimes, though, there are emotions that have been waiting and waiting to finally find someone who will listen with a kind ear. If you feel safe right away in the situation with your counselor, you might just cry in spite of your fears about it. Your therapist is used to people expressing how they feel and will keep strict confidentiality, so even though it's embarrassing, finally experiencing someone truly listening with empathy and kindness may just be worth it. It's okay too to let your counselor know right at the beginning that you're kind of freaked out about getting too emotional in front of another person. " +"I just took a job that requires me to travel far away from home. My family and I really need this job. + +People keep telling me I have ""anxiety"" and I'm terrified of having an anxiety attack on the road. This is all new to me. What can I do?","Anxiety can cause such a feeling of discomfort in our bodies that it can seem unbearable. The concern that I can hear in what you have written is that the thought of having some anxiety has now left you uncomfortable with any anxiety at all - and that can become a problem, indeed.  As opposed to thinking about your anxiety as something much bigger than you, it could be helpful to start breaking it down. What are the things specifically that cause you anxiety about this new job? Is it being away from your family? If so, why?  Once you start breaking down what causes you to feel anxiety into smaller ""mouthfuls"", then we are far better able to understand what has led to discomfort and start to problem solve the issue.  " +"My dad is always, and I mean always, cussing and screaming at me for no reason at all. He makes me feel stupid. He also compares me to my other siblings in a negative way and demeans me. Is this abuse?"," I'm really sorry to hear that you are going through this. It's a little difficult to answer your question because the laws that define child abuse are different from state to state. But usually, things like what you describe your dad is doing are not considered to be child abuse. The more important thing is how you feel about what is going on. It sounds like this is really bothering you. If you don't think you can talk to your dad about how you feel, you might want to try talking to another adult you trust (like a family member or teacher). They may be able to help you figure out some ways to communicate with your dad. I think you might feel better if you can talk to someone about how your are feeling. " +"My dad is always, and I mean always, cussing and screaming at me for no reason at all. He makes me feel stupid. He also compares me to my other siblings in a negative way and demeans me. Is this abuse?"," Everyone deserves to be treated with dignity and respect. Having said that, everyone gets upset once in awhile and may yell or scream, which can be disrespectful. You said ""always, and I mean always"" and that is troubling. If your dad curses and screams at you on a regular and consistent basis, it can (as you stated) impact the way you feel about yourself.  While the definitions of child abuse differ from state to state, talking to someone can help. Perhaps there is a counselor at school, or another trustworthy person you could confide in to help you understand how this situation is impacting you? Counseling is a good option.  There is also help available through the national hotline at 1-800-422-4453, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. You can call (press 1) and talk to a counselor while being anonymous. You can also check out this website: https://www.childhelp.org/hotline/resources-kids/ I am sorry that you are going though this situation. There is help available. You do not have to go through this situation alone. " +"I'm a female in my mid 20s. Lately I tend to over drink and I've become a very angry drunk. + +In the past, I have even cheated on my boyfriend while I was under the influence of alcohol. + +But now, even if I don't do anything wrong and don't embarrass myself, I still feel really guilty after a night of drinking. I don't understand why I'm feeling this way. Does this mean I have a problem?"," The short answer is yes - if you feel 'really guilty after a night of drinking', then you probably have a problem. What you could do is visit this website by the National Institutes of Health: http://rethinkingdrinking.niaaa.nih.gov/How-much-is-too-much/  There you will find information on how many drinks is too much, and the general answer for women is more than seven drinks in a week. There is also a quiz you can take anonymously that will help you determine if your drinking is a problem. The good news is that you can get help for substance abuse through counseling, self-help programs, or alcoholics anonymous.  " +"After he got home from the hospital he was angry, then for a time wonderful. Now he is depressed and hopeless again."," I appreciate that you are concerned about your husband's emotions and want to support him as best you can right now. I imagine that you must be going through your own difficult time too. You've had a complicated shock and trauma in your life and in your marriage; it's normal for both of your emotions to move from hope to despair to fear, anger, gratitude... there is no wrong way to feel and there is no particular pattern your emotions or his will follow.  Try not to assume what he is feeling but ask him instead. ""How are you doing today?"" is something that can be asked over and over again and your love and compassion for him will come through. If he has a hard time talking, you can share your observations. ""I notice you're more withdrawn. This worries me."" Certainly it will help you if you know what he's thinking and feeling because he hid his intentions to hurt himself. It's normal that you want to know.  If there is depression and hopelessness, this likely was part of what led to his initial despair. There is help out there. Depression is treatable, and seeking that treatment is important right now at this vulnerable time. This is the kind of complex situation that can be assisted by a therapist who is qualified to help you both understand and manage your emotions. Whether your husband seeks help or not, I hope that you do.  " +"On the first day of school I wore a bra that was too big so that it would look like I had bigger boobs. I did that the whole school year and my parents never found out. But now I can never hang out with my friends at my house or invite them over because it would be around my parents and my friends would see there is nothing there on my chest. + +How do I fix this?"," I get how you feel; you wish your body looked different and you're embarrassed that you tried to make it look different and people may notice.  You don't say how old you are. It's likely that, if you are young, your body will change as you mature, but in general, we're given the bodies we're given and I'm glad to see that there may be a desire in you to accept your body the way it is. You seem to want to stop disguising it. Bodies come in all shapes and sizes and every woman knows how it feels to struggle with accepting what her's looks like. Many men go through this as well, although women are more often targeted with cultural messages about how we're supposed to look.  Young people often believe that others are noticing and judging them. In fact, other people are far more preoccupied with who might be judging them than whatever's going on with you.  I suggest you wear whatever bra you want to wear, and if someone is rude enough to comment on it, you can ignore them and talk about the weather or the latest pop song that you love and they'll get the hint. But my bet is they won't even notice. :) " +"I've been suppressing it for quite some time, but there are days when I can't make eye contact with her. I think she knows, and we both admitted there was some type of vibe, but the overall discussion was vague. I think she could possibly be dating someone that works with us. It's driving me crazy. As an act of expression, I have purchased a gift for her that's personalized. I haven't given it to her yet."," Human attractions can be tricky things, and in this case - a power dynamic. In the workplace, a boss usually has the power to hire, fire, set schedules, approve vacations, and evaluate performance. Because of this power dynamic, most employee handbooks expressly forbid supervisors and their direct employees being in a romantic relationship. Perhaps you should check your employee handbook.  It is possible that if you or your supervisor act on your feelings, one of you might have to be reassigned, or if no reassignment is available, asked to resign. While you may be attracted to your boss, and your feelings may be strong, it might be in your best interests to resist acting upon them.  " +"My dad is always, and I mean always, cussing and screaming at me for no reason at all. He makes me feel stupid. He also compares me to my other siblings in a negative way and demeans me. Is this abuse?"," Yes, this emotional abuse.  There is no abuse without emotional abuse.  His abuse is demeaning and can have lasting negative impact on your perspective of your self and people around you.  Please find someone support to talk to.   " +"I was with my friends fishing by a pond. I found a frog and stabbed it with my friend's knife. I'm not sure why I did it. My friends saw me do it it and were shocked and got really mad at me. + +Now if someone brings it up I get really upset and panicked. I don't know why I feel like this. Does this mean there is something wrong with me?"," The good news is your awareness that being violent to animals feels out of character for you.    I'm glad you have awareness and I'm glad you are not at ease with killing frogs. Fairly likely that you were acting out aggressively toward the frog, feelings of being on the receiving side of similar type of violence. Basically, you did unto the frog what someone has or to you, feels like, has been done to you. Use your surprising finding of how strong your anger and most likely inward pain.   Reflect on your closest relationships and how these people treat you.   It is possible you feel more hurt by someone who is close to you than you ever realized. Stabbing innocent frogs is wrong.  It is understandable as a way to show you how much inner pain you probably have. It is also wrong that someone close to you hurt you. The direction to go is to recognize your pain and then decide how to go about changing what is possible on your side of that or those relationship(s). " +"I'm depressed often, and my mind goes a million miles a minute. Every once in a while, things are okay for a few days. After a bit, I start noticing that I am picking at my skin profusely. After roughly a week, the anxiety is back and still picking. Sometimes I find myself causing fights to have change."," Hello, and thank you for your question. I am very sorry that you are struggling. I have a few thoughts and perhaps some of my colleagues will add something else. Depression and anxiety can both be chronic conditions, as you have experienced. This means that they may always require treatment in order to have some kind of relief from them. Treatment could mean medication or some kind of counseling. Some people may take medication for the rest of their lives. Some people may go to counseling at times when the depression and anxiety worsens. As you mentioned, sometimes the symptoms improve for a little while, but they can also come back. When they do, it is important to talk to your medical provider if you are getting medication, and/or to go back to your counselor and talk to them about the symptoms that have returned. Skin picking and some other behaviors are not uncommon for people who are experiencing something like anxiety. Many people report that they do this when they feel anxious, and some say it calms them down. It is not really a surprise that you are constantly trying to change things and even starting fights to do so. These are ways to try to avoid, escape and distract yourself from the feelings of anxiety and depression. That is a very normal thing to do. Nobody likes these feelings, and so distraction is something we naturally try in order to get rid of them. The problem is that things like distraction and escape do not work as a long-term solution. In fact, they usually make things worse for many different reasons. Depression and anxiety can  be treated, but it is likely something you will need some help with. I would recommend finding a counselor who has experience with anxiety and depression. Medication can be helpful, but I still recommend counseling. The reason for this is that the medication can help with symptoms, while the counseling can address the symptoms and provide you with very helpful skills. Be well, Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCC " +"My boyfriend won't touch me intimately, he won't kiss me while we are having intercourse and he won't have oral intercourse with me. I know he has done this things with other women in the past. I don't know why he won't do them with me. What should I do?"," First off, don't blame yourself or be too quick to jump to any scary conclusions.  Human intercourseuality can be incredibly complex at times (e.g., what turns us on at one time may not be what turns us on the next time).  There could actually be a number of things going on including him having performance anxiety...maybe he had a bad experience with a previous partner that's left him scared to try again (we call this operant conditioning).   It could also be that he puts you in a different category than previous lovers.  Sometimes I refer to this as the ""hooker-housewife mentality"" where a partner somehow gets the idea that when we truly fall in love, we treat that one differently; almost up on a pedestal.  Drives many partners crazy until they're aware that this is going on and give their boyfriend/ girlfriend permission to enjoy both the naughty and the nice with them.  It could also be that he's not even aware that he's not doing these things. If you haven't asked him yet, you might try gently approaching the subject when you're not already in the bedroom or trying to get in on and inquire what he most enjoys about intercourse with you (or has enjoyed in the past, or thinks he might enjoy).  You can also share your favorite highlights of intercourse with him.  Give him an ego boost and tell him what he does well while then asking him if he'd be down to go downtown.  ""Baby, it REALLY turns me on when you kiss me during intercourse."" If you continue to get the impression that it's somehow only about YOU or that he's just really hesitant to talk about intercourse in general, you might see if he'd be cool to chat with a counselor who specializes in intercourseual intimacy.  " +"He wants to wear makeup and heels. He even tucks his penis away to resemble a vagina. He wants me to wear a strap on and have anal intercourse with him. I have tried this for him, but I don't like it and have told him so. He keeps making comments about it and says he can't live without it."," Depending on your own intercourseual history and what you grew up expecting to be ""normal"" in the bedroom, I can easily imagine that this came as quite a shock to you!   It DOESN'T necessarily mean, however that your husband is: gay, biintercourseual transgender, or even necessarily a cross-dresser etc. unless he has already told you so. I agree with the other poster who recommended you try and ask him more questions with an open and curious attitude and see if he might be open to explaining more with you.  That being said, what we also know from research is that frequently what turns us on isn't always what we identify as.  Lots of people have fantasies or even intercourseual behaviors they may enjoy from time to time without considering themselves to be a part of any label or subculture. For example, many women are okay with having their hair pulled or bottom spanked during a particular rowdy intercourseual encounter but certainly don't consider themselves kinky, submissive, or anything else.   It could be that your husband enjoys pretending/ fantasizing that he is something completely different in the bedroom from time to time from what most other see him as outside in the corporate world or in other roles he plays as husband, father, son, friend etc.  Many of my kink clients are drawn to their particular fetish simply because it's the opposite of what their life typically entails (e.g., a high profile CEO who is always responsible for making the decisions enjoys being at ""the mercy"" of someone else once a week).  Each of us has a intercourseual script - a blueprint if you will of what we like and don't like in the bedroom and also what we have each come to see as being ""normal.""  It's also an internal guideline for how we each define our role in intercourseual expression, intercourseual orientation, intercourseual behaviors, intercourseual desires, and how big a part our intercourseual identity plays in our everyday lives (Gagnon & Simon, 1973). You've been clued into the fact that your husbands greatly differs from yours on the surface level at the moment.  ALL of us are intercourseual beings yet none of us is exactly identical to one another in our intercourseual definitions and script expectations. It's like our own intercourse fingerprint.  In my role as a couples counselor, I often help partners become aware of their own intercourseual script and explore where it overlaps their partners and where it may always differ.  If a couple is able to successfully navigate formulating a plan for both to feel validated and intercourseually satisfied, the relationship thrives.  Most counselors would agree that a healthy script includes: If ""pegging"" your husband as it's called is a hard and fast no for you, that will likely need to be respected as it may be too far off your own intercourseual script.  However, if your husband is for sure absolutely adamant about ""needing"" to dress in a female fashion and/or be anally penetrated, you may seek professional counseling to help navigate how both of you will come to an agreement about fulfilling these desires in a way that doesn't hurt either one of you or the marriage. My warmest wishes to you both! " +"I was having a intercourseual relationship with a coworker. He decided he was going to get a hotel room for the weekend. Before I got paid, I told him I would have $25.00, which I thought I would. But when I saw my paycheck, I could not pay the $25.00. He says I lied to him about it. He wants me to reimburse him $25.00 for the hotel room he decided to get. He stayed at the hotel, and I left. I don't think it's right that he want me to reimburse him $25.00 for a hotel room he wanted to get in the first place. He is out of town right now and texted me yesterday telling me I am a liar and that I should never said I was going to have $25.00 when I knew I wasn't. I told him I had to pay rent and my rent was late. He texted me saying I need to get two or three jobs.","Hello, and thank you for your question. It really is up to you to decide if you owe him the $25.00. If you feel like it is the right thing to do based on your discussion with him, then pay when you can. I am actually much more concerned with how he is treating you over $25.00. I know that it can be a lot of money if you don't have much, but that doesn't give someone the right to call you names and harass you through texts. You may want to take some time and think about your relationship and make sure that these are the qualities and behaviors you want in a intercourseual partner. Be well, Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCC " +"Over a year ago I had a female friend. She turned out to be kind of crazy so I decided to stop talking to her. When she would call me I wouldn't answer the phone. This made my girlfriend really suspicious. She would ask me why I wouldn't ever answer that phone number. I told my girlfriend that I don't want to be friends with that other woman, but I don't think she believes me. How can I get my girlfriend to understand?"," We women really do tend to struggle with the comparison game. And Hollywood culture hasn't helped with romantic comedies and song lyrics telling us that when a man appears evasive, there's something to worry about.  It's been my clinical experience though that most women value transparency and security in their relationships. So you might try sharing a little bit more about your history with this woman. For example: If your girlfriend can truly see that you view her as the filet mignon to the other woman's hamburger, and that she is your favorite person on the planet and has NOTHING to worry about, she may start to come around. Now, IF she's more concerned that you might be taking this woman's calls behind your back, while I'm not typically a huge fan of sharing passwords or phone records, you might print them off and highlight this female's number and show your girlfriend that you absolutely are telling the truth. And if you really want to step it up, I would be intentional about doing all the little things that you know your girlfriend loves that helped make her fall in love with you in the first place (e.g., little love notes for her to find or sweet text messages, buy a rose or her favorite flower, have her car detailed, do the laundry...date nights...you get the idea).   Bottom line - show your girlfriend why out of all the women on the planet that you could be with, you CHOSE HER.  And would continue to do so all over again.  AND why you love HER as a person.  This will help her trust what you're saying.  Best of luck to you!   Tamara Powell, LMHC " +"My dad is always, and I mean always, cussing and screaming at me for no reason at all. He makes me feel stupid. He also compares me to my other siblings in a negative way and demeans me. Is this abuse?"," Oh my goodness, my heart goes out to you!!  I pray you have other strong and supportive loved ones or friends surrounding you. If you are in school, please consider speaking with a counselor on site who can help give you some good coping mechanisms as well as other resources. I believe most therapists would agree that this type of behavior is indicative of emotional AND verbal abuse. And quite often the two overlap because someone who is being yelled at and demeaned is also frequently having his/her emotions preyed upon as well.  Healthy Place offers us some great examples of emotional abuse which certainly fit the criteria of what you describe:
And abuse survivor and author, Kellie Jo Holly, offers some other great examples of verbal abuse: It's been my personal clinical experience that children who are experiencing the types of things you describe often say they feel misunderstood, lonely, or scared and don't want to make things worse by standing up for themselves.  Even if you feel you can't defend yourself outwardly, that doesn't mean your father's awful and toxic behavior is something you should ever internalize (i.e., believe to be true) which is why I hope you are surrounding yourself with people who will speak life and positivity back over you.   We are ALL worthy of respect, love, and kindness. Don't ever forget that! My love and light to you hon. Tamara Powell, LMHC " +"My roommate has had a drinking problem for a while. She goes out, gets trashed, and then expects everyone to take care of her. The next morning, she apologizes constantly until she feels validated. She also thinks everyone hates her all the time. If I don't seem anything other than happy, she asks me ""Do you hate me? You hate me. Tell me you love me,"" and I feel like I have to pity her because she has also been suicidal before."," It does sound like your roommate may have a drinking problem, and the short answer is that you can't do anything about it, only she can. We can't change what other people say, think, or do. We can only change our reactions. It does sound like your roommate may be having a hard time. You can suggest that she enter counseling or therapy. You can reassure her that you like her (if that's true), but you don't have to pity her. " +"My dad is always, and I mean always, cussing and screaming at me for no reason at all. He makes me feel stupid. He also compares me to my other siblings in a negative way and demeans me. Is this abuse?"," Yes, screaming and cussing at your child is considered abuse. Here are two points I suggest you consider for your situation. If your dad is ever calm when you and him are with one another,  ask for some time to talk about your relationship with him. Schedule it for sometime in the near future from your request.   This way he has time to consider his points of view on his relationship to you.   Even if he does no thinking about your relationship at all, he will not feel pressured by the surprise of suddenly being expected to talk about a topic he may prefer to prepare himself. My second point to you is to keep steady in your own views of who you are.  When a parent demeans and mistreats a child, the child is affected in a negative way.  Concentrate on loving yourself and keeping people in your friendship circle who care about you. " +"I have been married for 11 years. Within the past 2 years we have drifted far apart. We coexist together but there is very little personal interest in each other. I often feel that my husband has ""friends"" at work that he is more emotional invested in than me. I feel very alone and just uncared for. Is there anything I can do to feel reconnected?"," I'm sorry for how you're feeling in your marriage lately.   Are you and your husband able to talk directly about your feelings?   The way two people connect is usually by talking with each other to understand what each one cares about and thinks. Your current emotional suffering is the natural result of being married to someone who shows no interest in doing this. If your husband wants to start talking with you, then there is a chance the two of you can reconnect.  If he doesn't want to participate in the relationship with you, then start to think if its possible and for how long, to get emotional support from friends and family who do care for you. Also a question for the future is to understand what the value of your marriage is to you besides having a connection to your husband. " +"Over a year ago I had a female friend. She turned out to be kind of crazy so I decided to stop talking to her. When she would call me I wouldn't answer the phone. This made my girlfriend really suspicious. She would ask me why I wouldn't ever answer that phone number. I told my girlfriend that I don't want to be friends with that other woman, but I don't think she believes me. How can I get my girlfriend to understand?"," Open and honest communication can go a long way in situations like yours. Your girlfriend may be suspicious if you don't give her enough information. Answer her questions fully. Ask for her suggestions as to how to handle this female friend. Ask for your girlfriend for help in getting the female friend to understand that you are not interested in continuing the friendship. If you are honest with your friend, your girlfriend will probably feel like you are being honest with her.  " +"I just took a job that requires me to travel far away from home. My family and I really need this job. + +People keep telling me I have ""anxiety"" and I'm terrified of having an anxiety attack on the road. This is all new to me. What can I do?"," There are lots of things you can do, but first: Congratulations on your new job!  Commuting long distances can be stressful, but there are some things you can do. First, make sure that your seating arrangement in your car is comfortable. If you are driving long distances on a regular basis, you want to make sure that your body is in a comfortable position. Second, select some music or podcasts that work for you, rather than against you. Soothing music is good, as well as inspirational podcasts. Alternatively, listening to books can be a great way to spend the time, improve your mood, and find inspiration. Third, make sure that you have plenty of time for your commute. If the drive normally takes you 30 minutes, plan on 45 (or if it's 45 minutes, plan on an hour). This way you won't be rushed, can take your time, can focus on your driving, and if traffic is a bit backed up, you've got plenty of time to reach your destination. Finally, if you do find yourself being anxious in a way that impedes your driving, pull over to the side of the road, take some deep breaths, and sit with your feelings. Take a deep drink of water. Consider jotting your feelings down in a journal. If its safe, get out of the car and walk around a bit, stretching you muscles and breathing in the air. But most of all, be kind to yourself. I wish you much success in your new job. " +"I have been married for 11 years. Within the past 2 years we have drifted far apart. We coexist together but there is very little personal interest in each other. I often feel that my husband has ""friends"" at work that he is more emotional invested in than me. I feel very alone and just uncared for. Is there anything I can do to feel reconnected?"," Piggybacking on the other respondent's suggestions, I also agree that most couples could use more frequent and more bonding communication in their relationships, and this is a GREAT place to get the ball rolling towards reconnecting. Surveying the demographical data on long-term relationships, it's pretty common for couples to start to struggle around the 7-10 year mark and in fact, that's often when first time divorces happen. And for lots of reasons...most of them having something to do with beginning to take one another for granted and no longer doing the little things that nourish the relationship and light our partners up.  Seems like you've encountered this in your own relationship...where he appears to be neglecting your need for emotional connection with him. Doesn't have to be this way though. And from my own personal clinical experience, I can tell you that when even ONE partner is willing to make some small but powerful changes, they can often ripple outward to the other partner and bring about miraculous outcomes!  So my encouragement to you is this - if you're still in love with him...even a little bit...and you're down to try something new, there's hope!  As hard as it may be, I would ask you to try and focus on YOUR own side of the street when approaching him. Use an open and curious approach with him.  Ask him what he thinks he needs in a marriage.  Like Sherry said, if you can get him talking, there'll be plenty to work with. We only need a spark to kindle a fire. If he can give you a list, you'll have a blueprint for getting him to reconnect with you and it opens the door for you to offer him little suggestions as well. By the time a couple reaches the point where you're at, there's usually very little fun going on. We've stopped enjoying one another's company. Try and think creatively about some shared experiences he might be willing to do. A picnic? Happy hour? Concerts, museums, cooking class, new intercourseual behaviors...the list is as infinite as you want it to be!  Some of my favorite suggestions for couples looking to understand how they got here and how to build their way out are: And of course, I'd be remiss if I didn't suggest that if you're open to the idea, maybe some individual and/ or couples counseling could be helpful too. My very warmest regards to you, Tamara Powell, LMHC " +"I'm a female in my mid 20s. Lately I tend to over drink and I've become a very angry drunk. + +In the past, I have even cheated on my boyfriend while I was under the influence of alcohol. + +But now, even if I don't do anything wrong and don't embarrass myself, I still feel really guilty after a night of drinking. I don't understand why I'm feeling this way. Does this mean I have a problem?"," Usually when someone asks if they have a problem, they believe they do have a problem! The first step is to understand your own theory and definition as to what problem you feel you have.   Some possibilities are feeling unhappy in the relationship to your boyfriend, not having enough discussion between the two of you, not feeling cared about by your boyfriend, not liking your boyfriend. Did you grow up in a family in which the grownups drank to the point of excess at the times they felt stressed? Family modeling of how to handle problems may have left you no knowing how to handle stress except to drink to excess. Ask yourself what it is you feel guilty of doing? The guilt may point you in a good direction if it is your sense of self-esteem telling you to find better ways of managing your life. Do you drink alone or together with friends? Try defining your specific reasons for drinking because this is the first step to know how to handle the situation differently. " +"I've been with my partner for 4 years. She's given me no reason not to trust her. But lately I've been overreacting a lot when she's just doing normal things. I think it's triggering my bad past relationships. + +How can I get rid of these insecurities and be more trusting with her?"," Two paths are possible. You're not overreacting and instead are genuinely sensing that something feels unsettled within your girlfriend. You are overreacting because you have difficulty accepting how safe and loving your relationship is with this person. The only way to find out is to start conversations with your girlfriend on how you feel. This will allow new light to open an answer as to the truth. Once you know what truly is going on between the two of you, your self-trust naturally will grow stronger.  Self-trust will give you an accurate read of what and whom you are able to safely trust. " +"My husband and I have been married for seven years, and in that time, we have only had intercourse four or five times. Others have told me that most men would have left me by now. Honestly, I think I have a low intercourse drive or neither one of us actually knows what we are doing. I want to be better connected with my husband."," There are many different ways that can be approached in your situation. 1. I would recommend a complete medical examination including blood test. i would want to know if there are any medical issues in your low intercourse drive. 2. Where is your husband in this situation? Is he resentful, accepting, demanding or neutral? 3. What is your past intercourseual history? has this had an affect on your current issue? 4.Has there been problems in your past with abuse of any kind? 5. Understand that intimacy is more than intercourse. What other ways can you be close to your spouse? 6. It sounds like there is some confusion about intercourseual intimacy from both of you.Couples counseling would be a great place to start.  All of these areas need to be explored before any treatment goals can be established. You need to talk with a professional counselor to explore how to better connect with your spouse. " +"I have been married for 11 years. Within the past 2 years we have drifted far apart. We coexist together but there is very little personal interest in each other. I often feel that my husband has ""friends"" at work that he is more emotional invested in than me. I feel very alone and just uncared for. Is there anything I can do to feel reconnected?"," I can think of several things that may help you to reconnect. I don't know how much time you actually spend together, but one thing you could try is to spend 15 minutes a week together talking about common interests or other things that make you feel connected. Have you considered a date night or anything (doesn't have to cost a lot of money, but could make each of you feel special)? Something else you could try is to consider talking to each other in a way where you summarize what you are hearing and reflect back to make sure that you got it right rather than just assuming so. Communicating this way can feel awkward at times, but it could reconnect how you are listening and deeply connecting with your partner. Also, you may discover that you are on two different pages about things on which you thought you understood what each other felt, wanted, or desired. Consider what makes your partner feel loved, valued, appreciated, or special. Can you name a few things and get them right according to your partner when you check in? Can he do the same for you? You could also try doing two things every day that would be appreciated by your partner without either of you having to ask for it. There is some more information here, although what you do for one another does not necessarily need to be on this list: http://www.couplesinstitute.com/tracking-success-by-doing-the-daily-double/ Reconnecting is a bit of a process. Try to praise yourself and your partner for attempts that you make and recognize that you're not going to get it right 100% of the time. You may also find this book to be helpful (or there are other similar ones by the same author): https://smile.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1471479801&sr=8-1&keywords=Love+languages If this still seems difficult, consider seeing a local mental health professional. As one more thought, recall that this relationship involves both of you. If you are both committing to change your level of connection, change will likely not be a steady uphill climb (there could be plateaus or even some dips back in a negative direction) and each of you may change at a different rate. Best wishes in your quest for connection! " +"I empathize so much, even with characters on tv or in video games, that I actually feel physical pain. This has made life difficult to say the least. + +I believe I have an actually case of something called hyper empathy disorder. But since it's such a new disorder I can't find any information about it. Could this be what is going on with me?"," It sounds like this would be difficult at times, particularly if you feel misunderstood. You may or may not know that we all have chemicals in our brain. We also have different sections of our brain that become active when different things happen. There is a part of our brain where a lot of our emotions originate that is also designed to protect us when we are going through things that have been physically or emotionally painful in the past, and when that part of the brain is sometimes overactive (perceiving threat when there is no actual threat at the time), sometimes anxiety can develop. This doesn't necessarily mean that everyone has an anxiety disorder, but often if we are afraid of something that is not actually a legitimate concern (for example, most insects are not going to hurt me, but I still do not like them very much), we have anxiety about it. The first thing I thought of when I read your question is that perhaps some part of your brain are overactive. I did find an article that may be helpful to you, but I just want to caution you. Not everything listed here applies to you. Also, the article uses the term ""brain anomalies."" This does not mean that there is something majorly wrong with your brain. While I cannot tell you exactly what is happening, I'm asking you not to panic over the term and to just consider that perhaps some of the chemical reactions in your brain may be a little overactive, which may be able to be corrected with medication or something similar. I can't tell for certain from what you posted whether or not this is what is happening, but I would recommend that you either talk to your primary care physician or a therapist or psychiatrist. Here is the article: http://blogs.psychcentral.com/addiction-recovery/2012/09/too-much-empathy/ When you meet with your doctor or a therapist, please try to convey how much this is affecting your life. Thank you so much for posting here and I wish you the best. " +I am becoming a Water Safety Instructor but I didn't have enough for a proper swimsuit. I was told by a boy in class that my top was displaying everything. I was very embarrassed.," Sometimes we make ourselves feel worse with our own thoughts about things we can't change. We know that it is possible to overcome embarrassment and self-blame, but why does it seem so difficult to overcome it sometimes? If you tune into your own thoughts, or your ""internal dialogue"", you'll notice that your thoughts are connected to your feelings. So people who are holding onto embarrassment and self-blame often have thoughts like, ""How could I do that?"", ""I looked so stupid!"" ""Now people saw things I did not want them to see!"" If we tune in more, we might notice we are thinking that this is terrible, horrible, and that we cannot deal with it. These are self-sabotaging thoughts that lead to shame, self-blame and embarrassment. If you look at the evidence, you can find more rational thoughts such as, "" We all make mistakes"", ""People can look all different ways at different time - this incident does not define me!"" and ""If someone has a bad image or thought about me, it is really OK! People have all kinds of thoughts about other people, and it does not have to be a major problem."" When you practice your rational thoughts often and replace the negative ones, you will start to feel better, more confident and your embarrassment will decrease quickly. " +"I'm a teenager and I get these really intense mood swings. + +My mood will be really high and I'll think of something that I want to do. When I start to make it happen I get irritated by other people if they intervene. Then if the thing I wanted to do doesn't work out, I have these tendencies to blame other people for it not working out. + +Can you explain what's going on?"," Teenagers are prone to mood swings due to developmental and hormonal changes that are rapidly and intensely occurring in your body and mind - so some of this happens to many people in your stage of development. You are not at all alone. You've taken the first and very important step in regulating your moods by just identifying that you are having these intense changes instead of being completely submerged in them and unaware! The more you are able to be a witness to your emotions and thoughts, the more you can learn to manage them. Your question offers several clues for strategies that you can try - for example, identify the warning signs for becoming irritated and plan a response, such as taking a deep breath, informing the person you are becoming irritated and need some space, or find a distraction temporarily like listening to music or going for a walk. Since you are aware of blaming others for things not working out, you can proactively make a personal commitment to taking ownership or personal responsibility by just thinking about it and practicing thoughts such as ""I am responsible for my efforts"" and ""Blame is not helpful for anyone"" and other thoughts that you believe and can repeat related to this insight. When you practice thinking more rational, healthy thoughts, you are actually rewiring your brain, so practice is key! " +"I have anxieties about everyday stressors, i.e. finances, work, relationships, kids, and maintaining a household."," Since it is clear that people react differently to the same stressors, we know that the stressors are not causing the anxiety, our thoughts about the stressors are. Often, cognitive distortions are the problem. Some common cognitive distortions include catastrophizing (predicting the worst), future telling, black and white thinking (if it's not perfect, it's terrible), mind-reading (I just know he is angry at me) and can't-standitis (I can't stand this situation). There are more, but the list is long, and if some of these are resonating with you, I would advise looking up CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) tips, worksheets, booklets etc. on line, or contact a local CBT therapist. Another helpful piece of info on anxiety, is that it is prone to something called ""symptom stress"" - being anxious about anxiety. If we could hear this symptom stress it might sound like, ""Oh no I'm getting nervous about this, I'm getting uptight, I look nervous, what if I have a panic attack!"" followed by  more cognitive distortions such as ""I can't stand being anxious!"" and ""this is horrible!"" The antidote to this is acceptance.  Kind of like not stopping the waves but learning to surf instead (Jon Kabat-Zinn). If you happen to feel anxious, say to yourself - this is just a reaction I'm having that is unpleasant, but not horrible. I can tolerate and survive some anxiety, I can breathe deeply, and I'll be OK because panic attacks never killed anyone. I can stand this and it is temporary. You get the idea. We can increase our awareness of anxiety-provoking self-talk, and counteract it with calming and reassuring self-talk. We have the ability to think about our thinking, decide which thoughts are healthy and which are unhealthy, and choose which to focus on. We brainwash ourselves with our thinking, and according to self-perception theory, "" we learn what we believe when we hear ourselves speak,"" so we may as well be a calming, reassuring presence in our own minds. :) " +"It's the way my mom said I was worth nothing, stupid, no point of being in school. I'm ""lazy little fat.""", There is nothing wrong with going to summer school.  +"I empathize so much, even with characters on tv or in video games, that I actually feel physical pain. This has made life difficult to say the least. + +I believe I have an actually case of something called hyper empathy disorder. But since it's such a new disorder I can't find any information about it. Could this be what is going on with me?"," Sometimes it's helps to have a name for a problem - it can make you feel less alone as in, ""oh there's a name for this and other people have this experience too."" On the other hand naming the problem can also make it stick around longer as in ""now I have a special problem that has a special name, and that's an important part of who I am."" Bottom line, whether it's a disorder or not, you would like life to be easier and not have to be pulled so much by other people's energy and feelings. You might want to try imagining that you have a volume dial on your empathy (just like the volume dial or button on the tv) that you can gently turn down to the point where you still feel what's going on but it's not so ""loud"". You can also try imagining pulling your own energy back as if you were drawing your energy back home to the center of your own body and being, letting go of the other people or characters that pulled your energy out so far. This is a way create better boundaries and protect your own vulnerability. Just like on an airplane where they tell you to put on your own oxygen mask first before helping anyone else, your empathy will most likely not really help others if you allow yourself to be depleted. " +"I've been with my partner for 4 years. She's given me no reason not to trust her. But lately I've been overreacting a lot when she's just doing normal things. I think it's triggering my bad past relationships. + +How can I get rid of these insecurities and be more trusting with her?"," What's most important is that you recognize that what you've been doing is off base - that what you've been feeling is ""overreacting,"" that you have ""insecurities,"" and you suspect your actions and reactions are connected to your own past and not to the current situation or to your partner. That's an excellent first step because without recognizing these things about yourself, it's unlikely that you would change. That said, you sound as if you are really ready to start some therapy to work on your own personal growth... not because there is something ""wrong"" with you, but because you're ready to learn more about yourself and make some creative changes in your behavior. Yes, there are lots of self-help books and courses, but we humans often make the most progress when we have support in  real-time from another human being who can sit with us, point out our blind spots, and teach us some skills that are hard to learn on our own. " +"I have a mother who is still running my life even though I'm almost 30 years old. I want to move out and live my own life, but it feels like as long as I do what my mom wants our relationship is okay. It's never okay if I don't do what she wants. + +I don't know how to start making my own decisions and not worry about whether it's right in her eyes. Would it help for me to talk to someone about this?"," If the only way the relationship you have with your mother feels ""okay"" is when she is the only one who makes decisions concerning your life, then this only seems ok. In fact it is not okay for one person to be the authority for another person unless the one for whom this is being done, does not have their own ability to think for themselves. Separating your own wishes and way of handling life matters, from your mother's point of view, may be difficult. First, realize you need to get familiar with feeling at ease with the idea of deciding matters for yourself. You'll need practice until you feel comfortable. Unless, if you've been thinking through decisions you'd like to make and the idea of your mother's anger is the only point which stopped you, then you may almost instantly start living in a liberated way of running your own life. Basically, it is right and fair for you to have the chance to live your life the way you feel is best.    Be prepared that your mother may disagree with you and that her disagreement is not a reason itself to not do what you believe is in your best interest. " +"On the first day of school I wore a bra that was too big so that it would look like I had bigger boobs. I did that the whole school year and my parents never found out. But now I can never hang out with my friends at my house or invite them over because it would be around my parents and my friends would see there is nothing there on my chest. + +How do I fix this?"," Wear baggy clothes to disguise the problem and if you do this for a long enough time, then your friends may forget what size boobs you have. Can you tell your parents what you wrote here?   If yes, then maybe they will be empathetic and this always helps. They may also agree to not make any comments about your boobs when you wear the bigger bra around your friends when they visit you at home. Also, its possible your friends already have questioned why you wore a bigger bra than your boobs.  Maybe they saw what was going on the whole time during the school year and felt too awkward to tell you. " +"I know I'm ruining my life with a lot of the decisions I make. I consistently tell myself I need to make some serious changes in my life, but I just can't seem to even though I really want to. Why can't I force myself to change?"," In general the reason people aren't able to change is because the person feels a sense of fear to change. What the roots are of this fear are usually easiest to identify by talking with someone whom you trust and feel safe to talk about your inner thoughts and emotions. If you haven't got someone like this in your life, which is common, then shop around for a therapist because a therapist is someone who is professionally trained to listen in a way which helps someone know more about who they are. Be patient with yourself too.  Change sometimes feels much scarier and is more complex than simple compared with whatever you would like to change. " +"I have anxieties about everyday stressors, i.e. finances, work, relationships, kids, and maintaining a household."," Which one gives you the most anxiety? List from top to bottom which one gives you the greatest anxiety and ask the question how come? From there, we can figure out the underlying factors of your anxiety. " +"I'm trying to make marriage work after a split. Before our split, he lied a lot and broke every promise to me. I don't think he cheated. Last month, I asked what women work with him, so he told me. Yesterday, I found out about a girl that he said he forgot about. Should I be upset?", In response to your answer. Yes because he broke a boundary of yours that he knew was important to you. The question that should be asked is are you able to go forward with your husband with his behaviors not changing for the better in regards to your feelings and emotions? +"After he got home from the hospital he was angry, then for a time wonderful. Now he is depressed and hopeless again.","This must be so difficult for both of you.  Watching someone you love suffer so profoundly can bring up lots of difficult feelings.  Without knowing what you are already doing, I have a few thoughts to share with you.  I hope that this is helpful.  On my website (www.sarahmcintyrelpc.com), I've written a series of blog posts about coping with distress.  The techniques I've written about there may be supportive for you and your husband.  Sending warm wishes your way.   -Sarah " +"My girlfriend was abused as a child. Now, if I hug or touch her in any kind of way she says she feels as if she is being abused as a child. What might be going on?","Thank you for your question.  I think it's wonderful that you are approaching this with openness and curiosity.   The reaction you are describing is extremely common in survivors of abuse.  What you said is insightful...when you touch her ""she feels as if she is being abused as a child.""  From your description, I would agree that in those moments she is re-experiencing something that happened in the past as if it is happening right now.  Re-experiencing or reliving traumatic experiences is a key symptom of PTSD. If you are seeking to better understand what is going on for her, I would highly recommend Bessel van der Kolk's book the Body Keeps the Score.  This book also discusses effective treatments for overcoming trauma.   Best of luck to both of you, Sarah " +"I never feel like myself. I can't even think straight anymore. I start stuttering and I can't remember anything. I always get nervous and usually talk myself down but recently end up fighting with, what feels like, someone else. I don't know why I feel this way, but I hate it."," Hello, I am wondering if you might be experiencing some form of dissociation.  People who dissociate might feel like the world around them is unreal and unfamiliar, or that they are not really in their bodies and that they are observing themselves from outside of their bodies.  Dissociation can also mean that there are parts of you that have ""split off"" and sometimes parts are can feel like they are at odds with each other or are locked in conflict.  Sometimes dissociation happens after someone experiences a trauma.   Therapy can help you to understand what is going on and help you to integrate your experiences and ultimately heal. I am a therapist in Houston who specializes in dissociation.  On my website I have information specific to dissociation that might be helpful to you.  Sarah " +"I no longer carry expressions on my face, and my emotions are decreasing the more I have fights with my fiancée.",Sometimes repressing anger can lead to depression and block all kinds of other emotions too.  I would wonder about your experience with anger and if you've ever been discouraged from expressing anger.  I would also wonder if you feel like you have space to express yourself in your relationship or if you feel like you really aren't being heard.  It's hard to feel cared for and connected to someone else when you don't feel accepted by them. +"My fiancée is always letting me know how I am a horrible/evil person, or I just don't care enough when it's about her feeling or when she is having an off day."," I don't know much about the dynamics of your relationship, but I want to say that you cannot possibly be responsible for anyone else's happiness.  If you are interested in a good read on this topic, I highly recommend The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.  " +What should I do when we see each other?," I am so sorry that this happened.  Nobody deserves to be outed without their permission.   I would encourage you to get in touch with someone who is supportive and accepting and plan to touch base with them after you see your wife's sister.  You can also plan to take some time for self care after you see her.  For example, if you enjoy bike rides, plan on taking a bike ride afterward.  Plan to do something that feels nurturing and caring.  Best of luck! " +"I don't feel like myself anymore. For example, I could walk up an entire flight of stairs before realizing that my legs are moving. I feel like I'm watching my life be lived by someone else.","You may be experiencing a form of dissociation called depersonalization.  People with this type of dissociation may feel disconnected from their bodies, feel that they are watching their bodies from a distance, or may not recognize their image in the mirror.  Dissociation sometimes occurs after someone experiences something traumatic.   I would suggest working with a therapist who specializes in dissociative disorders as dissociation does not typically resolve on its own.  On my website, I have some information specific to dissociation that you may find helpful.  Best of luck to you. " +"She's a teenager, and for the last two years, she's lived with her older brother. She's angry because she wants to come live with me, but my current living situation is not the best for her. She refuses to see any reason. She's being disrespectful. Her intercourseual curiosity is waking up."," You're her mom and she needs you.  I would suggest focusing on connection.  Since you are not currently living together, one way to do this would be to plan a date in which she gets to decide what you do together.  Give her time to think about what she wants to do.  As long as the activity is safe and affordable, try to do it, even if it's not your thing.  While you are with her, turn off the phone and give her your undivided attention.  The goal would be just for you to enjoy each other and connect.   " +I am becoming a Water Safety Instructor but I didn't have enough for a proper swimsuit. I was told by a boy in class that my top was displaying everything. I was very embarrassed.,"I also want to note that we, as a society, are especially judgemental about how women dress and present themselves.  I am sorry that this boy said something insensitive.  There is nothing shameful about your body and it was not your intention to ""display everything.""  It also wasn't his place to judge you.  As women we are expected to be intercoursey in some situations and demure in others.  Men don't have the same range of societal expectations to navigate.   You didn't deserve his rudeness.   " +"Whether it's to a guy or girl, I always feel insecure talking, and I am afraid of embarrassing myself and not being good enough. Even when I am walking, I worry about my appearance and facial expression and such.","I want to add that one way therapy can help with social anxiety is to give you a corrective experience.  Each week, you sit across from someone who genuinely cares about you, who doesn't judge you, and who you can voice your concerns to.  Over time, you show them more and more of yourself, and as they get to know you, they still care about you, they still don't judge you, and they still think you are amazing.  Find a therapist you connect with." +"I was kidnapped at fourteen and raped at gunpoint. The guy got six months. When the same thing happened with two ""friends"" at nineteen, I didn't even report it."," Wow, I'm so sorry that this has happened to you.  My heart goes out to you.  Please find a therapist who specializes in working with PTSD.  Brainspotting, Internal Family Systems Therapy, and Somatic Experiencing are all highly effective therapies for complex interpersonal trauma.  If you are interested in reading about trauma from a compassionate and scientific perspective I highly recommend Bessel van der Kolk's The Body Keeps the Score.  " +"At a friend's house, we had some drinks and watched some television. He got up and went to bed. I felt sick. He came out to see if I was okay, and I said no. I said I wanted to go home, and he told me to come lay down. As I laid down on the bed, he started touching me. A friend called me, then I able to leave.", I am so sorry that this happened to you and am so glad that you were able to get away.  Your body is yours and yours alone.  I would highly recommend that you find a therapist who specializes in treating trauma in order to help you to heal from your ordeal. +"My boyfriend and I have a terrible intercourse life after three years of dating, and I don't know what to do. I have this lingering fear of pain during intercourse after having two partners previously who weren't careful. How can I stop projecting this onto my current boyfriend?"," Without knowing much about your situation, I would encourage you to seek out either a intercourse therapist who is trauma-informed or a trauma therapist who has knowledge about intercourseual concerns.   Even consensual intercourse can be experienced as an intrusion if a partner was not careful or insensitive to your pain.  It would be normal to have some difficulties with intercourse after such an incident. " +"I have attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder, posttraumatic stress disorder, anxiety, anger, and memory problems. I can't work. I have no income. I'm on medicine, but I feel worthless. I want to be normal.","I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling.  It sounds like you've had a traumatic experience that has impacted your life in many ways.  Without knowing much about your history, I wonder if the trauma you suffered has lead to the anxiety, anger, and memory problems you are dealing with, in addition to PTSD.  I would encourage you to look for a trauma therapist who offers a sliding scale or pro bono services.  There may also be community mental health services in your area that offer free therapy if you are eligible for grant." +"My dad beat and mentally abused me so badly that I can't function properly. Letting go of the past is important to moving on and getting better, but I'm terrified to get better because I don't even know who I am without the trauma. I've never gotten to be myself. I don't even know who I am.", I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling.  Getting to know yourself after a trauma (especially at the hands of a caregiver) and learning to trust yourself can feel terrifying.  I would encourage you to seek out a trauma therapist who can work with you slowly and at your pace.  You are not your trauma.  You are good and you are whole.  Please seek out the support of a therapist who sees that in you. +I am a survivor of multiple intercourseual abuse/rape experiences. Triggers are having an effect on my daily life and my intercourseual relationship with my partner. I'm trying to learn to cope with them.," I encourage you to seek out and work with a therapist who specializes in treating complex trauma.  Somatic Experiencing, Brainspotting, and Internal Family Systems Therapy are all highly effective treatments for people dealing with complex trauma.  If you are interested in reading a book that is supportive and compassionate, Bessel van der Kolk's The Body Keeps the Score is a wonderful book that discusses treatment options in depth. " +I always feel like I'm doing something wrong. Everything I do is crappy. I want to cry all the time. I can't eat or sleep.,"You are describing some of the most common symptoms of depression: low self esteem, difficulty sleeping, changes in appetite, sad mood, feelings of hopeless and feelings of worthlessness. A full assessment/evaluation with a mental health professional is warranted to understand if indeed you meet criteria for a Major Depressive Disorder i.e.., are delressed. One thing I often tell patients is that ""Do you think you are depressed?"" People often answer yes or no, but many individuals respond with a question: How would I know? To that I often explain that if I stopped watching movies or better, stopped enjoying watching movies that would be a clear indication for me that I am delressed. It would be a sign that I have lost pleasure or interest in the activity that I typically enjoy most . I'll ask you to think of one activity which you really really enjoy.  It could be anything from reading, to being with friends, to skiing to watching tv.  I would like to now ask you if you have stopped enjoying that activity or can't find the motivation to engage in it? This is another symptom of depression: loss in pleasurable activities. The good news is that there are many effective, available treatment if you are indeed in a depression or simply, you want to modify/decrease your depressive symptoms i.e., you want to stop feeling so tired and so worthless. Treatment includes one or more of the following: psychotherapy, medication, exercise. Any one or combination of both of these can help to improve your mood. The even better news is that feeling that you are doing something wrong can diminish with appropriate treatment over time.  I hope you find this information helpful. The most important next step is to get evaluated by a mental health professional typically a psychologist or psychiatrist, and for both you and the professional to better understand your symptoms and your mood in the context of what is going on in your life." +"I'm trying to make marriage work after a split. Before our split, he lied a lot and broke every promise to me. I don't think he cheated. Last month, I asked what women work with him, so he told me. Yesterday, I found out about a girl that he said he forgot about. Should I be upset?"," Let's look at your question and break it down. It begins with the word should. As a first reflection, it implies that there is a right and a wrong way to feel, in this case, feel upset. I think I would like to ask you the question in a different way: are you feeling upset? If you are feeling upset or if you are feeling another emotion : insert worried, ambivalent, scared, angry, insecure, confused that is likely reasonable if the relationship has undergone some breaks in trust followed by distance (seperation). The first step is to recognize what you are feeling, and accept it for what it is-- an emotion. A feeling. You are entitled to feel a range of emotions as you are in the process of repairing or rebuilding the marriage. It is what you  do with that feeling that matters-- how you act, how you think, what you say,  and the impact the emotion (likely emotions) have on your relationship and in turn your quality of life that matters. If you want to discuss the impact of your feelings on you or on your marriage, I suggest you consult with a mental health professional with expertise in couple therapy/ relationship issues. I hope you find this information helpful.  " +"I have been married for 11 years. Within the past 2 years we have drifted far apart. We coexist together but there is very little personal interest in each other. I often feel that my husband has ""friends"" at work that he is more emotional invested in than me. I feel very alone and just uncared for. Is there anything I can do to feel reconnected?"," What you are describing is something I often refer to as ""living with your roommate"" phenomenon. This is the idea that you feel like you are living with a roommate and no your partner or spouse . It is not uncommon for members of a couple to report to feel both physical and/or emotional distance. When we don't feel connected within relationships, this can be isolating and lonely. The emotional distance often makes us wonder: am I important to the other? These types of feelings need to be better understood in the context of your own background and upbringing I.e., who you are and also better understood in the context of your couple. Feeling reconnected can occur-- but there is not a ""one size fits all"" solutoon. As a first step, do you or your partner have any ideas of how to feel reconnected? Have you considering talking to your partner about the emotional void? Or how about discussing  solutions , together, that might help-- from individual therapy to couple therapy to a weekly date night to inquiring about one another's personal interest to starting off the conversation of what both of you want and can do to re-establish feelings of connectiveness. If this is too frightening I.e., to address the lack of connection between you and your spouse.  a fist meeting with a couple therapist can likely help unpack what the possible solutions for your couple. " +"I have been married for 11 years. Within the past 2 years we have drifted far apart. We coexist together but there is very little personal interest in each other. I often feel that my husband has ""friends"" at work that he is more emotional invested in than me. I feel very alone and just uncared for. Is there anything I can do to feel reconnected?"," Your question highlights your pain very clearly.  What you are describing is one of the most common scenarios I see in my practice with couples: One partner feels terribly lonely and unimportant in response to the other partner either turning towards other people and activities or being withdrawn and turning inward. My mind immediately goes to a question for you: What happens when you are feeling alone and uncared for? What do you say to yourself about you, about your spouse, and about your relationship?  What do you do in response to these feelings? Do you ask for what you need?  Does this lead to arguments?  Do you stay silent or withdraw? Very often, couples enter into negative patterns where one partner feels afraid of rejection by the other partner and so withdraws from the relationship (and is often seen as ""cold and aloof"" towards the relationship), and the other partner feels afraid of abandonment by the withdrawing partner and so pursues the other (and is often seen as ""critical and nagging"").  Regardless of ""who started it,"" these patterns can turn into infinity loops that take on a gravity of their own, and ultimately cause both partners to withdraw and dissolve the relationship.  If both partners want to work on saving and improving the relationship, the way out of this is to learn about your emotions and patterns together so that you can slow down the pattern and stay in touch with the emotions that pull people together.  As the patterns slow down, partners are better able to get more deeply in touch with their vulnerabilities, needs and longings, and ask for them to be met in such a way that doesn't leave the other partner feeling criticized, threatened, abandoned, or uncared for. Some couples can do this without the help of a therapist.  The book ""Hold Me Tight: 7 Conversations for a LIfetime of Love"" by Sue Johnson is a self-help book based on Emotionally Focused Therapy (the most scientifically validated couples therapy that currently exists), and has been helpful to many couples that I see.  When a therapist is needed to help partners reconnect or overcome betrayals, I recommend seeking couples therapists who are trained in a scientifically tested model of couples therapy (such as Emotionally Focused Therapy.  You can learn more about EFT or find an EFT therapist here: http://www.iceeft.com). To summarize: Your pain is understandable and valid.  It's telling you what you are missing and what you want. Reconnection comes when we can listen to what our feelings are telling us, express those feelings in a safe way, and assert our wants/needs, while remaining open to the vulnerabilities and needs of our partner. If you can do that on your own, and your relationship is responsive, that's fantastic!  If you encounter challenges in resolving this yourself, consider therapy with a trained couples therapist using a model that is scientifically validated.  Pain means this is important!  You and your marriage are worth the effort! " +"I just took a job that requires me to travel far away from home. My family and I really need this job. + +People keep telling me I have ""anxiety"" and I'm terrified of having an anxiety attack on the road. This is all new to me. What can I do?"," It is ok to have anxiety.   Please don't be anxious about being anxious. If you feel anxiety coming over you, then pull off the road to a safe place.   Concentrate on centering yourself and to breath slowly.   Take some sips of water.  Sit still.     The anxiety should pass in about twenty minutes. If it does not pass, then continue calming yourself until you feel safe enough to drive to your hotel.     You can always explain to your supervisor that you were taking care of a medical problem, because anxiety is a medical problem. " +I am a survivor of multiple intercourseual abuse/rape experiences. Triggers are having an effect on my daily life and my intercourseual relationship with my partner. I'm trying to learn to cope with them.," I'm glad you're willing to keep optimistic about life improving and offering better relationships than some of the ones in which you greatly suffered. One suggestion is to develop patience with yourself and the process of regaining your willingness to trust other people. intercourseual intimacy engages all of who we truly are.   Being cautious as to who and how much you allow someone into your life, is natural for anyone recovering from trauma. Allow yourself to withdraw when situations feel dangerous.   Your sense of danger is most likely on higher alert than had you not been victimized. Be attentive and cooperate with your own sense of readiness to engage in conversation, discussions and intercourse with your partner. Explain all this to your partner so the person can develop their own patience with your recuperation process. " +"After he got home from the hospital he was angry, then for a time wonderful. Now he is depressed and hopeless again."," Since as husband and wife your lives are closely joined, how your husband feels greatly influences the way you feel. Give yourself some time to concentrate on how you've been affected by your husband's suicide attempt.   Even if you decide against immediately telling him how you're feeling, knowing this about yourself will guide how and the topics you bring up with him. Is your husband talking easily with you? Do you have some ideas as to what is creating his feeling of hopelessness? The ideal approach would be if the two of you are able to discuss what bothers him and what bothers you. Depending on how far away you each are from such a position, you may benefit from speaking with a licensed professional therapist who can guide you and or you and your husband on opening up for discussion what feels stressful enough to merit taking one's own life. " +I have three children. The oldest is nine and not my biological child. The middle child is three and the youngest is one. I have a great relationship with the oldest two children but I haven't developed the same level of attatchment to the youngest child. I rarely want her around and look forward to her nap times. Is this normal?," Congrats on being honest about the way you feel! Many people state having a favorite child so the reverse would also be possible, of having a least favorite child. Try to understand your own reasons for not liking your youngest child as much as the others. One point to consider is whether it is the child' personality or the way they interact with you which gives you the feeling of not liking this child as much as the others, or does the reason have more to do with younger children requiring more care? Also, do you generally prefer older kids to younger ones?    It is possible the problem will go away as your youngest grows older. Is there another parent in the household who can make up for what you feel unable to naturally give to your youngest? Is it possible you feel your own need to be involved with activities or to have time on your own?   Maybe you simply need a break from constant mothering. Continue to give as much as possible to your youngest child. " +"She refuses to talk to me and told my mom (her grand mother) that she is remembering things from the past. I don't know what to do. My daughter blames me and swears she hates me. + +My parents say I should just let my daughter live with her dad, but I don't see how I could fix things if I only see her every other weekend. What should I do?"," Sorry to hear about your high degree of stress. How old is your daughter? Who abused yours daughter? The answers make a difference to your decision. Obviously if the father was the abuser, then unless your ex demonstrates to you and you believe, he will not abuse her, your daughter should stay with you. If someone other than the father was the abuser and the father has a good relationship with your daughter, then it is possible that the time away from your household will give each of you time away from arguing with one another. What does your daughter tell you she wants? Her wishes must be considered too. Relationships can be fixed.   Sometimes being apart helps this process because the two people each have time to reflect more deeply on what they value about the other. " +"Over a year ago I had a female friend. She turned out to be kind of crazy so I decided to stop talking to her. When she would call me I wouldn't answer the phone. This made my girlfriend really suspicious. She would ask me why I wouldn't ever answer that phone number. I told my girlfriend that I don't want to be friends with that other woman, but I don't think she believes me. How can I get my girlfriend to understand?"," Do you know why your girlfriend doesn't believe you? It is strange that your girlfriend prefers you to take the phone call of another woman. Have you blocked the unwelcome phone calls? Has your girlfriend said she doesn't believe you or is this your interpretation? Find out the answer and then ask your girlfriend to tell you her reasons behind her thoughts. It is much easier to help someone understand a situation if the person is engaged in a conversation. Whether or not she understands is up to her. All you can be responsible to do is to offer your explanation, which sounds like you've already substantially offered. Keep or reintroduce the topic for the two of you to talk about again. " +"I have been married for 11 years. Within the past 2 years we have drifted far apart. We coexist together but there is very little personal interest in each other. I often feel that my husband has ""friends"" at work that he is more emotional invested in than me. I feel very alone and just uncared for. Is there anything I can do to feel reconnected?"," I'm sure you've tried to talk to your husband, but if not, could you? Have a conversation with him about him and his life, his work, etc. See if he relaxes and opens up to you, even a little bit. Don't try to have a heavy conversation or even unburden yourself to him during this first conversation - just try to be light-hearted and focus on hearing him. It's the first step towards getting your needs met too, and ending any emotional standoff that might have come about between you. " +"My husband and I are separated and he doesn't even want to talk to me. + +He says he doesn't love me anymore, but I would do anything to get him back. Is there any hope?"," There is always hope. So don't give up on hope. However, you knew I would say that, there is a lot work ahead of you. You need to see someone to talk things out. Get some space between you and your husband. Don't chase and please don't stalk him. Do some deep searching as to why he left and what part you had to cause the split. You can't change him but you are in control of your own change. With the help of a professional counselor you can get help and direction where you need to change.  " +"My husband and I have been married for seven years, and in that time, we have only had intercourse four or five times. Others have told me that most men would have left me by now. Honestly, I think I have a low intercourse drive or neither one of us actually knows what we are doing. I want to be better connected with my husband."," It's encouraging that you say you want ""to be better connected with [your] husband,"" and since he hasn't left you, he must care about you and the relationship more than he does about just having intercourse. You don't say whether he complains or not, but even if he doesn't it seems there's a sense of something important missing for both of you. Most likely to connect better with him physically you'll need to become better connected with yourself and your body. Men often feel fulfilled by intercourse simply because it happened - the woman they want received them, allowed them to make love with her. For women that can sometimes be more complicated. A woman who loves intercourse most likely also loves her body, knows what pleasures her, and feels confident asking for what she wants. Self-pleasuring can be a way for you to discover more about your intercourseuality, and a classic resource is Betty Dodson's book intercourse for One: The Joy of Selfloving. A good counselor or intercourse therapist can be very helpful with your whole relationship as well as the intercourseual part of it, but not all counselors are comfortable working with intercourseual issues. Shop around and be sure you find someone who can help you and your husband get better connected on all levels. " +"I had a dispute with my therapist regarding an appointment cancellation. Now, she is blocking me from seeing other psychologists at the same clinic (which takes my insurance), which is also where I get my psychiatric services. There is a strict 48 hour cancellation policy, and my appointments are at 3:00 on Tuesday. I called to cancel at 4:30 the previous Friday. I was late, so we contacted my doctor to tell her that I would be out of town. She said I could do a phone in session. The thing is we do double sessions."," My recommendation would be to try to talk to your therapist about this  from your description, it sounds like you have a legitimate explanation for missing your scheduled session. Maybe if you could explain that to her she would be willing to work with you.  If she is not willing to consider your explanation and if she is not willing to continue working with you, she still has an ethical obligation to provide you with referral resources to another therapist. " +"I am a really shy person. I'm currently in a graduate program which requires lots of presentations, but they always make me feel stressed out and less confident. How can I get more confident?"," I can offer you hypnosis for confidence in presentations, via Skype, if you're in Cali. " +"I am a really shy person. I'm currently in a graduate program which requires lots of presentations, but they always make me feel stressed out and less confident. How can I get more confident?"," A good way to start is the language or ""self talk"" that is happening inside your mind.  Looking at your question, when it is said that the presentations ""make me feel stress"" you are giving the responsibility of the stress to the presentations and taking that away from your self.  The presentations cannot give or take away your stress, that's something only you can do and you can do it!   What language can you change in your self talk?  For example, are you saying ""I can't speak in front of an audience! I'll fail?""  That sounds a lot different than ""I studied my butt off and if I practice speaking out loud, I can ace this presentation!""  Although this is a short answer, I do believe that counseling will help you overcome these stressful feelings and bring out your inner confidence.    " +"I was raped a couple months ago, Since then, along with other unfortunately events that have occurred, I have been having trouble feeling emotions. It's almost as if I'm a sociopath lacking any feeling. What can I do to change this?"," I am so sorry to hear about what happened to you! What you are describing is being in a state of shock. You haven't suddenly become a sociopath - this is a normal reaction to an event that is completely overwhelming. There are most likely too many feelings to feel right now, so your body in its wisdom is shutting them down. You absolutely can recover, and it would be really important to get some trauma counseling with a counselor who feels safe for you to talk with. This is not the kind of situation to try and handle totally on your own.  " +"I just don't know what I want in life anymore. I'm can't figure out what it is that is keeping me distracted and unfocused. I can't put things into perspective at all. I'm just stuck, and I'm disappointed with my lack of accomplishments."," Check this blog out:  Four-ways-add-self-esteem-friends-list Hope you find a few nuggets of helpfulness in this. " +I hate everything I see in the mirror. I don't like being in pictures and always scribble out my face. It's stressing me out. I don't trust my parents enough to tell them and I don't know what to do.," Check out my latest blog:  Four-ways-add-self-esteem-friends-list I hope this offers you some nuggets of helpfulness! " +"For the past year, I have been feeling pressured to do well in school, and it put a ton of stress on me. I have been bullied for five years, and for some reason, it is now sinking in, and I can't stop it. For some other reason, I can't find a hobby I can see myself doing without thinking bad about myself."," Check out my latest blog on:  Four-ways-add-self-esteem-friends-list I hope this provides a few nuggets of helpfulness to you! " +"I feel like I'm ugly, stupid, useless, and that I can't make anyone happy."," Check out my blog post on:  Four-ways-add-self-esteem-friends-list/ I hope this offers you some nuggets of helpfulness!   " +I always need alcohol to feel better and use that as a excuse.," Check out my latest blog on:  Four-ways-add-self-esteem-friends-list I hope this offers you some nuggets of helpfulness!   " +"I was raped a couple months ago, Since then, along with other unfortunately events that have occurred, I have been having trouble feeling emotions. It's almost as if I'm a sociopath lacking any feeling. What can I do to change this?"," Terrible things do happen in life, and I am sorry to hear about what happened to you. Please rest assured that you are not a sociopath, and that your reactions are normal responses to traumatic events. I'm guessing you are experiencing a sense of numbness, which is a common response to trauma. The best thing you can do is to get some trauma counseling with a professional counselor.  As you process your experience, you will be able to feel emotions again. However, the first feelings to come back may be related to trauma, such as fear, panic, and a sense of hyper vigilance. A professional counselor will be able to help you tolerate these feelings, manage them, and heal from your trauma. " +Why am I so afraid of it? I don't understand.," Why are you afraid of rape? Because it is a problem in the United States! The National intercourseual Violence Resource Center reports that one in five women (0r 20%) will be raped (http://www.nsvrc.org/sites/default/files/publications_nsvrc_factsheet_media-packet_statistics-about-intercourseual-violence_0.pdf) and that 80% of women know their assailant. Given these statistics, it is perfectly logical to be afraid. However, there are things you can do to reduce the risk of rape, such as being aware of your surroundings, and limiting the use of drugs or alcohol. The Enhanced Access, Knowledge, Act program for college-aged women has been shown to reduce the risk of rape by more than 50%. (http://www.blueprintsprograms.com/factsheet/eaaa-enhanced-assess-acknowledge-act-intercourseual-assault-resistance-education) You may want to see if a program like this is available in your area.  Another great app for when you need to walk somewhere alone, is the Companion App (http://www.companionapp.io). Friends or family can track your progress from one point to another via the GPS in your phone. In addition, talking with a counselor about your fears would also be a good idea. Sometimes fears are rational and reasonable. Sometimes they are over-reactions and unreasonable. When then are over-reactions and unreasonable, they can have a negative impact on your life. In this case, a counselor could help you understand why your fears are unreasonable, and how you can stop them from negatively impacting your life.  " +"I was raped a couple months ago, Since then, along with other unfortunately events that have occurred, I have been having trouble feeling emotions. It's almost as if I'm a sociopath lacking any feeling. What can I do to change this?"," You're not a sociopath - you're traumatized. Shutting off feelings is our brain's automatic way of protecting us when something bad happens and we just can't deal with any more pain. It's temporary - which is both good and bad news, because after the numb goes away and your brain decides you're ready to handle it, you'll feel the emotional pain.  My advice is to get a therapist ASAP so you have a safe place and a safe person when that happens. This is a horrible thing that happened to you, but you are not a horrible person. With good therapy you will learn to assimilate this into the rest of your life. You'll never forget, but you won't have the same pain about it  . Good luck! You can do this! " +I'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together?," What an important question, and the fact that you're asking it is a big step in the right direction. To answer in detail would require having quite a bit more information about what ""relationship problems"" have occurred  that woke you up to the fact that you're not listening as well as you could and that you're running the risk of losing her. Given that I don't have all that information, I'll offer one simple suggestion. Your girlfriend is the expert on what she needs and wants in relationship. You could simply say to her that you know you still have a lot to learn about how to have a good relationship and you realize you're not yet understanding what she needs and you really want to. Then take a deep breath, settle down, and listen. Don't argue, don't interrupt, don't judge... listen. Let her know what you understand and that you're open to hearing more, learning more if you're not quite getting it yet... and then listen some more. Be present and curious about this person you love dearly and don't want to lose. This is the first step toward intimacy. " +I'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together?," Hello, and thank you for your question. First, I want to say that it is great that you are are willing to admit that you share some responsibility in some of the relationship problems you are having. This isn't always easy to do, but it sure is important if you want to see improvement. It does sound cliche, but communication really is the bedrock of relationships. And not just intimate partner relationships, but really any relationship that is significant to us. It sounds like you are saying that you have a difficult time really listening to what your partner is telling you and then responding in a way that is helpful. I want to tell you that you are not alone. Good communication skills are not really something you are born with, we actually have to learn them. The good news is that there is great information available to help you do that. Ultimately, some people must seek professional help through couple's counseling in order to get help with this process. This is because some of the hurt and anger could be at such a level already that you may need help setting boundaries, creating a plan, learning new skills, and staying on track. If that is not something you can afford or can do right now, here are a few suggestions that may help. Personally, I am big fan of Dr. John Gottman. He is an expert in relationships and wrote a really great, easy-to-read book called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Dr. Gottman discusses the kind of communication that healthy couples seem to have, which can be helpful and worth trying. You can buy Dr. Gottman's book on Amazon for under $9. It's a good deal. There are a variety of websites that have good information that may help you build your communication. Here is one that I found that has a few good tips. http://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships/effective-communication.htm You can try them and see if they are helpful. ***It is important to remember that like all new skills, communication requires practice and we surely fail several times before we start getting good at it. If you were ever a pitcher in baseball, then you know you have to throw thousands of pitches before you really start hitting your strike zone consistently. Allow yourself to make mistakes, own them, and start again. I hope these suggestions help, and good luck. Robin Landwehr, DBH, LPCC " +I'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together?," Thanks for your question. Becoming a good listener is an essential piece in being a better communicator. Being an effective communicator will almost always improve the quality of your relationships.  What stands in your way of listening to her? Do you find yourself becoming defensive when she brings up issues? Do you often find yourself thinking of what you want to say next? Do you take her words personally, preventing you from having the ability to problem solve? Here are some tips that may help you with being a better listener: 1. Concentrate on what you are hearing, not on what you will say next. 2. Ask questions if you need clarification or don't understand. 3. Summarize what you're hearing after every couple of minutes to make sure that you're not missing anything. 4. Ask your partner what she needs from you. Is she expecting advice or does she simply need to vent? 5. Keep eye contact and avoid using non-verbal cues that demonstrate defensiveness or irritation such as eye rolling or crossing your arms. 6. Remember that it's okay to disagree and, if this is the case, then decide as a team, how you want to move forward. I hope this helps. Good luck to you! " +I'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together?," I love that you are so thoughtful and proactive about this!  If only every client came in as solution focused as you, my job would be so much easier. I would second Robin's suggestion of reading ANYTHING by Gottmann. He's fantastic.  Other favorites of mine are: “Getting Together and Staying Together: Solving the Mystery of Marriage” by Dr. William & Carleen Glasser “Eight Lessons for a Happier Marriage” by Dr. William & Carleen Glasser “Hold Me Tight” by Dr. Sue Johnson “Divorce Busting: A Step-By-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again” by Michele Weiner-Davis, M.S.W. “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman “The Flight from Intimacy: Healing Your Relationship of Counter-Dependency – the Other Side of Co-Dependency” by Drs. Janae & Barry Weinhold I'll also add to Miriam's assertion that your partner is the expert on her. You can help things along by becoming a better expert on you as well. What is it that you are craving and likely trying to get your need met in potentially unhelpful ways from your girlfriend or in ways she doesn't understand or vibe with?  If you can better explain your own needs while trying to understand hers, you all have a recipe for great success! When both partners seek to serve one another and stay curious about each other in the process, intimacy abounds! Best of luck my friend! And if you get stuck, of course seeking help from a professional is always a great idea too. ;) " +I'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together?," The first step for making this sort of change is being motivated to change and it sounds like you have that, so you are already on the right track. As far as learning how to listen, try some of these steps: Something else to try would be using some sort of timeout. Consider this: While it may be helpful to ask your girlfriend what it is she may want from you, it is you that would be in charge of deciding whether you want to make that change and putting it into practice. Try to remember that part of being in a couple is holding onto your own wants, wishes, and desires while recognizing those of your partner. As one final idea, consider spending about 15 minutes a week together where you are not problem-solving about anything, just connecting with one another. I encourage you to see a therapist who specializes in couples if you would like some more specific ideas for what is happening within each of you and between you. Best wishes! " +I'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together?," The best tool for becoming a better listener that I know of is called Imago Dialogue. It consists of 3 steps: 1. Mirroring what she says (without judging, commenting, refuting, defending, arguing, or scoffing--just listening, no matter the content) and repeating it back, word-for-word. Continue to ask if she has more to add until she doesn't. 2. Validating. You tell her you you understanding why she feels this way. (If you don't understand, then find a way.) You can also say, ""That makes sense"" or ""I hear you"" or ""I get that."" 3. Empathizing. Tell her how you think she must feel about what she's telling you. Your job is to try and feel what it feels like to be her. This is a very different way of communicating than we're used to. My guess is that the arguments, discussions, and debates you've had with her have been counterproductive because you're both trying to win. With Imago Dialogue, you both win. She gets to be heard and you get to hear for a change. At the end of the exercise, switch roles. For more info: http://imagorelationships.org/pub/about-imago-therapy/imago-dialogue-101/ " +"I am a really shy person. I'm currently in a graduate program which requires lots of presentations, but they always make me feel stressed out and less confident. How can I get more confident?"," Have you tried rehearsing to yourself or a trusted friend what you will present to the class?    The more confident you feel in a safe space, the more chance there will be of making the same presentation to a larger group. Giving presentations is not necessarily a difficulty with communication.   It has more to do with performance than expressing yourself clearly. Practice, practice, and practice, until you see yourself improve in how you present. Also, keep in mind that whatever anxiety you may feel about making a mistake, the audience is almost alway much more forgiving than the person who feels anxious. Anxiety heightens fear, so whatever concerns you have, check if they are growing from anxiety instead of a realistic assessment of your abilities or audience receptivity. Good luck! " +"I was raped a couple months ago, Since then, along with other unfortunately events that have occurred, I have been having trouble feeling emotions. It's almost as if I'm a sociopath lacking any feeling. What can I do to change this?"," Sociopaths don't know they are sociopaths. Clearly, you realize you have pretty deep emotions and have lived through several severely distressing situations. Your sense of self may be protecting for a while until you recover the practical aspects of daily life and feel some sense of predictability and stability in your life. Knowing and feeling disturbing emotions which rupture basic trust that other people are safe, is itself a raw process. Yes, it is possible to become numb emotionally.   The good purpose is to protect you from additional hurt. When your inner world feels itself ready, more of your emotions from the recent distressing events will be accessible. If many months pass and you see no progress, then definitely consider a few sessions with a therapist who would be able to guide you to become more open to your feelings. " +"My boyfriend shows affection, but I just push him away. Every time my boyfriend tries to kiss, hug, or touch me I almost always push him away. I'm on birth control and it has killed my intercourse drive. + + I love him so much. Why do I do this?"," Are you sure it is only the birth control pills which has changed your intercourse drive? My guess would be that possibly due to the hormonal changes of the pill, your own awareness and understanding of yourself in this relationship, is what is actually changing. Birth control pills control ovulation.   They don't directly prevent people from all desire to express affection. Allow yourself some time to reflect on how you feel toward your BF.   It is possible the birth control pills triggered a change in your attitude toward him. And, maybe independent of the pill, maybe you just are done with the relationship. " +I just feel sad all the time and I don't like anyone in my family. I feel like they're trying to control me and won't let me grow.," Hello, While one can be sad from time to time, feeling sad ""all the time"" could be a sign of depression. If you feel sad on most days, it is worthwhile speaking to a psychologist to determine whether you suffer clinical depression. Feeling sadness is a normal response to loss, whether you lose a family, friend, job, or something you deem important in your life. However, feeling sadness all the time is a signal that you are not happy about something in your life. If it is related to your family and often relationship with family members could affect our self-esteem and self-worth, then perhaps it is worthwhile exploring what you find unhappy about your relationship with your family. Is it that you do not feel heard, supported or loved? Is it that you feel disrespected, disregarded or feel unimportant? These are just a few examples of common issues that people report that contribute to their depression. To help you to uncover your reasons for your sadness or depression and to cope with them in a healthier and more constructive way, it may be helpful to contact a therapist who could support you with this process. You do not have to deal with it alone. Dr. Virginia Chow, Montreal Psychologist. For more information about depression, please consult my website at www.PsychologyResource.ca " +"I am a really shy person. I'm currently in a graduate program which requires lots of presentations, but they always make me feel stressed out and less confident. How can I get more confident?"," Wow, congratulations on being in a masters program. You are in a unique place. So few have reached that level. You should give yourself a pat on the back. Confidence is not something that comes naturally. But can and does come with practice. Having gone through two masters programs I can sympathize with your your dilemma.  So how is the stress affecting you? Is it serious enough to stop you from presenting or is it just ""butterflies""? There are many ways of dealing with the anxiety and stress. Much depends on how serious the stress is. So here are a few ideas: 1. Practice in front of a mirror. Sounds strange but the practice helps. 2. Ask some friends to listen to your presentations.  Not so much for their input as to just get used to presenting. 3. Focus on the material you are presenting.  The subject matter is what you want to get across. Step away from your nerves and get into the facts you want to present. Let the material you present be the focus.  4. Remember everyone else is just as nervous as you.  Share your fears with some of your classmates and gain support from them. Focus on a friendly face during the presentation. Be a support to them in return. 5. ""Fake it, till you make it"".  Yes it sounds blunt.  But sometimes that's what it takes. Even if you feel like it, you won't die. So much more can be discussed with a competent counselor. Take the time to let a professional help you work through this. Again you have come a long way to be in a graduate program. Congratulations you have done great work so far. It's just one step at a time, take the steps. " +"My wife is always accusing me of cheating and telling me that I'm doing things she finds disrespectful even when I don't mean it like that. For example, she gets offended when I call someone at work ""sweetheart."" I wish I had a penny for every time she accused me of cheating on her. She doesn't, and never will say she was wrong. How do I get her to understand?","Hello. That must be very frustrating for you to feel that you to be reminded of constant wrongdoing in your relationship, especially when you feel that your wife does not admit to any fault. This could lead you to feel inadequate in the relationship that can harm your relationship in the long-term. Based on what you are reporting and without knowing your wife's side of the story, I would say that you are raising 3 different concerns.  One is that there seems to be some concern of infidelity from your wife that you feel is not justified. It may bear clarifying how each of you define ""infidelity"". Currently, there is no uniform definition of infidelity because it can emcompass a hook-up, chatroom texting, extensive phone calls to a female friend, viewing pornography, a massage with happy ending, physical intercourse, or intimate emotional sharing. Depending on whether any of these circumstances have occured, you may need to reflect whether there is any truth to what she may be accusing you of and for you to share with her your reasons for engaging in these activities. If there is no truth to it, then my clinical intuition is that she may be accusing you of infidelity as a way of saying, ""I feel you distancing from me."" In other words, it's not so much about whether you are actually unfaithful but a statement of how she feels as she witnesses your distancing from her. Often times, accusing a partner of cheating is likened to a cry or a yearning for closeness. If so, what you want to do is to reflect to her that perhaps she is saying that you are unfaithful because she senses that you are moving away from her emotionally. If this is true, you may wish to share with her why you are pulling away and then discuss the kind of support you may need to feel closer to her again. Otherwise, if the focus becomes about who is right and who is wrong, the conversation will never touch at both of your core emotional needs.  The second issue touches upon how to interpret calling someone a ""sweetheart."" The term has been loosely used in a variety of contexts to mean ""you're so sweet and kind"", ""my dear"", or in a flirtatious manner to mean ""sweetie."" The intention behind the use is known only to the speaker. You may want to reflect in what context you meant to use the term and share it with your wife. If your wife overheard the comment not knowing your intentions or context, it is possible that she may have misinterpreted what you have said.  If she finds the term disrespectful, it may be her way of expressing, ""I want to be the important person in your life and if you call someone else a sweetheart it means that I am not valued as much."" Therefore, arguing about who has the right or wrong interpretation may be missing the mark. Rather, the issue is about how do you wish to treat or show consideration of each others feelings? You may wish to explore how do you show her that you value her and that she is important to you? Is saying ""sweetheart"" to another woman conducive to that or is it sending mixed messages to your wife? That said, if you have expressed and shown her that she is important to you on many occasions with open discussions and by understanding, accomodating and prioritizing her needs, then her actions may be a reflection of her personal insecurities. She may need to speak to a therapist about her feelings and her fears. The last issue you raised concerns your wife never admitting she's wrong. Indeed that must be frustrating for you to hear often that you are doing something wrong. In the absence of her admitting to any faults, it could seem like you are the one with the problem. Unfortunately, blaming invites defensiveness and a withdrawn behavior because most people who feel blamed do not feel good about themselves and wishes to distance themselves from the person who is making them feel unhappy. This pattern can also trigger the partners' insecurity as they witnesses the distancing, which could make them angrier and more accusatory - creating a vicious cycle. Finding a healthy way of reaching out when your partner is in turmoil to help calm her emotions and being able to speak about your own feelings and needs is at the heart of a very secure attachment. This kind of conversation can be guided by an experienced professional to help both of you to express your feelings and needs in a safe and secure way to foster a secure bonding. We sometimes take for granted the simple expression of, ""I'm sorry."" However, it requires a certain comfort with being vulnerable to express that. In my practice, when a client tells me that his or her partner never says ""I'm sorry"", I am often observing the first partner to see if they are able to express vulnerability. If neither of them express it, then it makes sense to me because why would one risk being vulnerable and then getting hurt if they open up if the other partner doesn't do it.? These insights in therapy can sometimes lead to a different relationship building conversation, which can help couples to to feel safer with each other rather than blaming and alientating.  For more information about these services, you are welcome to read my materials on my website at www.PsychologyResource.ca or to contact me at (514) 690-2469. " +"My boyfriend shows affection, but I just push him away. Every time my boyfriend tries to kiss, hug, or touch me I almost always push him away. I'm on birth control and it has killed my intercourse drive. + + I love him so much. Why do I do this?"," There could be many reasons that you push your boyfriend away. It could be part of how you were raised, it could be because of culture, it could even be your own insecurities about yourself that are then outwardly manifested in you ""pushing"" him away.  What is important in all this is that you both find a way to connect. So what if you aren't a hugger, a kisser, or a toucher you have to find what works for the both of you and your relationship. There are many ways to show affection that aren't physical (words of affirmation, giving of time and/or gifts, etc). If your boyfriend wants the physical attention then work on ways that are comfortable for the both of you making sure to start out slow and to work your way up to more physical touching. " +"My wife is always accusing me of cheating and telling me that I'm doing things she finds disrespectful even when I don't mean it like that. For example, she gets offended when I call someone at work ""sweetheart."" I wish I had a penny for every time she accused me of cheating on her. She doesn't, and never will say she was wrong. How do I get her to understand?", Here is the truth: You will never get her to understand! because that would mean changing her and we can't change other people we can only change ourselves. I would recommend to take the time to self reflect on what exactly it is that you are doing that is contributing to the mixup. You both have very valid feelings and those won't magically go away until you address the root problem (which could be many factors).  I am curious to know more about past relationships the both of you have had and how that plays a role in your current relationship. Many times we don't realize how past relationships truly impact our current behaviors.  +"My husband and I have been married for seven years, and in that time, we have only had intercourse four or five times. Others have told me that most men would have left me by now. Honestly, I think I have a low intercourse drive or neither one of us actually knows what we are doing. I want to be better connected with my husband."," I work with many couples that experience a wide range of intercourseual and relationship challenges. The one aspect I tell many folks that I work with, is this: Every person and relationship is different. There really isn't a ""normal"" amount of intercourse a person should have or want to have. If having intercourse 4 to 5 times in the course of your relationship is satisfying to you and your husband, there is nothing wrong with it. If you or your husband would like to have intercourse more often, I suggest talking with a counselor about this to find ways to engage in a intercourseual life in which you are both satisfied. The aspect of connectedness is an important one. While intercourse can be very connecting for many couples, it isn't the only way to connect. I find that communication about the matter of frequency of intercourse, checking in to see how you and your husband feel, as well as communicant about your needs for connection are an important start to fulfilling this need. " +"My husband and I had our first threesome recently. Everyone was drinking and he was on her more then me. + +He and I talked about it afterwards and it made me feel better, and now I'm craving more of it. But before it gets close to happening I get this empty feeling. Why am I feeling this way?"," Hello, and thank you for your question. Nervousness, when doing something new, especially something intercourseual that can feel so personal, is very common. Indeed, despite the fact that nervousness can be uncomfortable, it is also part of the excitement of trying something new. Many people who engage in open, polyamorous, and/or other-type relationships, will tell you that difficult feelings, such as jealousy and anger, do show up sometimes. This doesn't prove that there is something wrong with the relationship, it just shows that you retain normal human emotions while in one. And many people who are in polyamorous relationships have written about the work it sometimes takes to make such relationships work. Of course, all relationships take work, so polyamorous and other types of relationships are simply not an exception. There could be several reasons why you are feeling the way you do. One reason could be that you are simply not as comfortable with the idea as you think you are. Some time and good communication with your husband may help you with this. Another reason this may be bothering you is because, on some level, you are aware of the messages society gives us about marriages. They are supposed to be monogamous, heterointercourseual, etc. etc. Just because you may not agree with these beliefs doesn't mean that you haven't been influenced by them. We all have. Another reason this may be upsetting you is because it may feel a little frightening. Perhaps there are a lot of ""What ifs"" going on in your mind. When you get the ""empty"" feeling, it may be helpful to try to really nail down the emotions that are attached to that feeling. One thing that I do think is very important is that you communicate these feelings to your husband. It may even be a good idea to talk about expectations or ""ground rules"", if you will. It is important that you are both on the same page about what this is, and why you are doing it. If you continue to struggle, I suggest finding a counselor who has experience in intercourse and intercourseuality.  I wish you well. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCC " +"My husband and I had our first threesome recently. Everyone was drinking and he was on her more then me. + +He and I talked about it afterwards and it made me feel better, and now I'm craving more of it. But before it gets close to happening I get this empty feeling. Why am I feeling this way?"," As someone who specializes in intercourseuality and polyamory, I can tell you that your experience is incredibly common. It can be helpful to keep in mind that alcohol lowers our inhibitions, and for first time threesomes or any new intercourseual behavior really, we humans tend to enjoy a little extra oomph to our courage levels. That being said, it also lowers our ability to make well thought-out decisions. This combined with the brain rewarding novelty (new lover, new experience with our partner etc.) and maybe even some over-zealousness and performance anxiety could likely explain why your husband was on her more than you. My encouragement to you is to try not to overthink it at this stage. Now, IF you two choose to bring her or someone else into the bedroom again and a similar thing keeps happening, I would definitely push the issue and see what's up from his perspective. The empty feeling could be any number of things including: Or like Robin alluded to, preconceived notions about what culture, religion, family and friends etc. say about what marriage and intercourse ""should"" look like.  I also agree with her encouragement to explore the empty feeling further and see what nuances of other feelings are in there...jealousy? insecurity? shame? regret? longing?  When you can identify and name them, they are easier handled. Some of the resources I recommend poly/ intercourseually open couples are: Personally, I find your cravings to be healthy and quite normal. The key is to make them work well for you and your partner(s). Robin's also right about communication being key. Some of the suggested resources above can help get those conversations started. And if you need further assistance, absolutely I would find a intercourse-positive, poly-positive counselor to chat with. Best of luck to you! Tamara Powell, LMHC " +"We weren't long distance until he joined the military. I love him and I know he loves, me but it's complicated. He said he's not going to find someone else, but I'm afraid. How do I keep our relationship going?"," Hello. You are asking a very good question about how to sustain a long-distance relationship. Although maintaining a long-distance relationship has its challenges, with the proper communication, commitment, and understanding, many long-distance couples are able to thrive and maintain a close connection.  Without knowing more about the ""complicated"" nature of your relationship, I wonder whether your boyfriend has given you reason not to trust him that makes afraid that he will find someone else. Has he cheated on you in the past and has shown romantic interest to another person that made you fear losing him?  Or, is your thought just a fear but not based on evidence? Knowing that distinction is important because if it is the latter, you may benefit from refocusing on the wonderful qualities about your partner that makes you feel good about him and the relationship rather than focusing on the unknown or uncertainty of the future. The more you focus on ""what if"" situations, the more you may feel anxious about a reality that is not accurate and make you act in ways that are insecure.  However, if there is reason for you to question his fidelity, you may have to speak to your boyfriend about how to build trust in the context of a long-distance relationship. To help the conversation, you may need to consider what you may need to experience or receive as support to feel safe in the relationship to build trust. Is that you wish him to contact you regularly, or to include you more in his life, or to make a clear commitment? For many of my clients in my private practice, that may include talking to their partner often and using a variety of modalities including text, phone, and Skype. It's hard to believe in a relationship when you never talk to your partner, and it's hard to build a relationship when you don't know what's going on in your partner's life. Other times, it is Making sure they talk often to their long-distance partner so that they can participate in each others lives and to feel their presence.. Regular communication, understanding and caring is the key to sustaining any relationship, but this is especially true for long-distance ones.  Dr. Virginia Chow www.PsychologyResource.ca " +"We weren't long distance until he joined the military. I love him and I know he loves, me but it's complicated. He said he's not going to find someone else, but I'm afraid. How do I keep our relationship going?"," You're right that long-distance relationships can be complicated. If he loves you and you love him, that's a great start. I wonder if you would be able or willing to have a discussion about what you love about each other and what makes each of you feel loved, valued, special, and appreciated. When having important discussions, consider the following: Consider what questions you would like answers to. For example, are you wondering: Gary Chapman is famous for his books about the 5 Love Languages. He has one specifically for military families: The 5 Love Languages Military Edition: The Secret to Love That Lasts. Here's a list of books related to loving from a distance: http://www.longdistancerelationships.net/bookstor.htm I have not read these books myself, but I have read other works by a lot of the authors. One final tip: Consider making a list of times when you work together and both feeling calm, safe, and comfortable. These memories could be helpful to you during difficult moments. Best wishes to you. Remember that you could each see therapists in your respective locations if that would be helpful to you. " +"I want to live with my mom. My dad gets angry and makes me feel like everything is my fault. I still talk to my mom although My dad tells me that I'm no allowed to. I'm scared I will make the wrong decision and that my dad will hate me. + +How do I tell him that I want to live with my mom?"," There is a lot of information that needs to be filled in first.  So what the custody arrangement? Does your dad have full custody? Is the custody shared?  What does your mom think about the situation? Is she willing to go to bat for you? What is your age? Usually you have the right to choose based on age requirements set by the state. Legally you can't be kept away from your mom unless there is some legal complications that prevent it. Is your father abusive and should you seek protection? Many details need to be filled in. You can seek counseling without your parents approving or knowing, depending on your age. Find counseling through school or local agencies. You have rights and one of those is the right to choose. " +"I feel so alone. I have so many people around me, but it seems as they just listen and dont understand. They say it will all be okay, or they don't listen to me st all. Everyone says they are here for me but it doesn't feel like they are. Why do I feel so alone?"," You ask a very deep and sensitive question which reflects good self-awareness. It is possible you are a more sensitive and aware person than the people whom you describe as listening and not really hearing you. Not everyone has the same capacity or willingness to pay careful attention to what is going on in life. Maybe for right now, until you are able to find in person friends whom you're able to feel hear you the way you'd like to be heard, find online forums and groups of likeminded people. If you google a topic which you wish your friends would be better at understanding, there will be scores of groups, including google groups, which come up. You're not alone in the sense that there are definitely people on this earth who are sensitive, caring, and willing to talk and understand others. " +We've been in a long distance relationship for two and a half years. I recently saw his phone and saw the people he texts the most and one of them was a female coworker. I don't know how to approach this situation. How do I ask him about it?.," If you'd like to ask a question, then go ahead and ask! Boyfriend/girlfriend is a close relationship and it is usually understood as an exclusive relationship.  You're definitely entitled to know if your wishes to not have him texting another woman, are being respected. Often people are afraid to ask because they fear the truth will hurt them. In the short term this is definitely true. In the long term, knowing you are getting what you want and at the very least stating your expectations to your boyfriend, will clarify for him, what is meaningful in your relationship. " +"We weren't long distance until he joined the military. I love him and I know he loves, me but it's complicated. He said he's not going to find someone else, but I'm afraid. How do I keep our relationship going?"," You're wise to be aware of possible changes to your relationship once your bf is away from you for extended time periods. All you both can do is state your intentions and wishes, keep in contact as much as possible, and wait to see how your relationship unfolds. To a large degree, each of you is relying on faith that if the relationship is meant to last for a while, then it will.   The military may add stress. This doesn't necessarily mean the stress will dissolve the relationship. Sometimes all anyone is able to do, is try. " +We've been in a long distance relationship for two and a half years. I recently saw his phone and saw the people he texts the most and one of them was a female coworker. I don't know how to approach this situation. How do I ask him about it?.," I agree with Sherry that in a close intimate relationship, you are entitled to ask questions about his relationship with significant others. These questions help couples to build connection and trust. It's based on the idea that if you reach out to him for whatever reason (support, openess, understanding, empathy), you can count on him and can expect him to be responsive. How he responds to your question will give you an idea whether he helps you to feel more emotionally secure and builds trust or if you feel that you cannot be open with him. If your partner responds in an open and understanding manner, it usually indicates that he cares about your feelings and values your importance. If he responds in a defensive manner, it could mean that he does not like that you are questioning your trust in him or that he has something to hide. Either way, you may wish to explain that building trust is something that is very important to you in a relationship and that talking to him openly helps to foster that. If he continues to be defensive or evasive, then there might be some bigger issues at stake and the two of you may benefit from couples counselling or having a discussion about the values that are important to you in the relationship and how the two of you will go about supporting those values with actions. Dr. Virginia Chow www.PsychologyResource.ca " +I feel like I hate myself physically and emotionally sometimes. How can I start accepting myself and be more confident?," This happens slowly and can be done. You already are at the first step of realizing that you hate yourself, not that the feelings of self-loathing are the best of what you're able to expect from life. A way to start building confidence is to pay close attention to the way you handle interactions and make decisions. If you start to notice what you'd like from an interaction, and afterwards, reflect on how well you handled yourself, especially with any unexpected circumstances, you'll build confidence in your ability to be good at something. Do you know why you hate yourself? This answer may help you address within yourself , a new type self talk which has more positives in it than what you've been accustomed to telling yourself. " +I'm obsessing about a terrible breakup. Everything is a constant reminder. How do I move on?," Let yourself know what you feel.    There is no timetable or known length of how much time a particular person requires in order to feel that the dissolved relationship is behind them. Probably the more you allow yourself to acknowledge your sadness from seeing the reminders, the sooner you will feel fresh and new again. " +"My wife is always accusing me of cheating and telling me that I'm doing things she finds disrespectful even when I don't mean it like that. For example, she gets offended when I call someone at work ""sweetheart."" I wish I had a penny for every time she accused me of cheating on her. She doesn't, and never will say she was wrong. How do I get her to understand?"," You may not get her to understand your point of view with any more success than your wife is having with you to do the same. It is possible you are a balanced couple in the sense of neither one of you understanding the other. The deeper question to ponder is whether each of you can accept the other person even though you each have very different terms for defining ""cheating"". You will find either there are enough strong similarities to keep the two of you happy as a couple, or there aren't these similarities. Then, the new question would be whether either of you want to address your findings or not. " +"I have a fear of something and I want to face that fear to overcome it, but I don't know how. What can I do?"," Hello, and thank you for your question. Overcoming fears is something that everyone struggles with at one time or another. Sometimes we come across something that scares us, we push through it and suddenly we aren't afraid anymore. But sometimes it can seem like our fears just take over and we cannot overcome them. There are some options: 1. You can go to a counselor and receive some type of treatment. What kind of treatment would depend on the type of fears you are experiencing. For example, if you have a general phobia about something, they may use various techniques to help you manage it.  2. There are different websites and even some self-help books that you can use to try to overcome your fears. When it comes to overcoming certain fears or phobias, exposure therapy well-studied and proven to work. A therapist would help you with this, but some websites give instructions for how to do it yourself. I am not sure how well it works when you try it by yourself, but here is a link to a website that does offer some tools. http://psychology.tools/anxiety.html Some colleagues may offer you some other types of advice. Be well. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCC " +"I feel so alone. I have so many people around me, but it seems as they just listen and dont understand. They say it will all be okay, or they don't listen to me st all. Everyone says they are here for me but it doesn't feel like they are. Why do I feel so alone?"," Although we can have moments when we feel alone, even with the presence of family and friends, feeling alone most of the time could be a sign that there is a lack of connection between you and your loved ones. Generally, the lack of connection can occur when you don't feel heard, understood or valued. These are common emotional needs that result in a good and secure emotional connection that reduces feelings of loneliness.  You mentioned that ""they listen but don't understand."" Do you communication clearly about what you need emotionally (understood, accepted, valued, heard, empathized)? To help you ask for the right type of support, you can ask yourself what it is about the situation that is bothering you and how you would wish for your friends and family to respond to you. The result may be an answer that is more informative to your loved ones. For example, you might say, ""Thank you for listening to me. When I feel alone, I feel like nobody cares about me because everybody seems busy with their lives. I just wanted to hear and feel that I'm valued by receiving caring messages and phone calls.""  Dr. Virginia Chow www.psychologyresource.ca " +"I know I'm ruining my life with a lot of the decisions I make. I consistently tell myself I need to make some serious changes in my life, but I just can't seem to even though I really want to. Why can't I force myself to change?","Hello, and thank you for your question. Changing unwanted behavior is one of the hardest things a person can do. I agree with Sherry that being patient with yourself is important. Here are a few things I would suggest: 1. Get clear on the behaviors you really want to change, and make sure they are behaviors that CAN be changed. Sometimes we will set a goal like, ""I want to be more confident"" but that is hard to measure and prove to yourself that you accomplished it. Saying you are going to accept a date or go on a job interview is something you can actually do, and something that you may consider to be demonstrating confidence. Whatever your change of behavior is, make sure it is something you can actually change. 2. If you are going to give up a behavior, decide what you are going to do in place of it. So, if you are going to stop showing up late for work, then you are deciding to be on time for work and demonstrating your value of being punctual. 3. If you are going to make changes, really nail down WHY you want to make them. What is it about making these changes that is important to you as a person? For example, if you have the goal of weight loss, the reason this is important to you as a person may be because you value self-care. Knowing WHY you want to make changes is both your motivation and your compass for getting there. 4. Once you know WHY you want to make these changes, I strongly suggest setting small goals. If you set too high of goals you may not accomplish them and just feel worse. So, make the goal small, realistic, and guided by the the things you want to be as a person. 5. As Sherry mentioned, finding a counselor is sometimes a good idea if you really feel stuck. Any counselor who does work with goal-setting and motivation can probably help. Be well, Robin Landwehr, DBH, LPCC " +"My husband and I had our first threesome recently. Everyone was drinking and he was on her more then me. + +He and I talked about it afterwards and it made me feel better, and now I'm craving more of it. But before it gets close to happening I get this empty feeling. Why am I feeling this way?"," Hello there.  As you have courageously explained your soulful dilemma. I can appreciate the complexity of this situation.  You have identified some key factors that may be contributing to your sense of feeling ""empty"".  One, is the ultimate goal here able to be acquired from this arrangement?  Are you trying to have your fulfillment with another woman while in the presence of your husband but not with him 'on her' as much or at all?  Are you trying to ask him to be more passive participant?  Perhaps be careful of not drinking too heavily... In the whole event, how do you want to feel intimate or connected ?  Were you craving all along, him to really be all over you along with her?  These are questions that arise; maybe not solutions.  Its always good to be very clear with oneself of what is the ultimate target here... And always measure the potential danger..  Peace - keith " +"I feel so alone. I have so many people around me, but it seems as they just listen and dont understand. They say it will all be okay, or they don't listen to me st all. Everyone says they are here for me but it doesn't feel like they are. Why do I feel so alone?"," Hello there.  Thank you for sharing your heart here.  I want to start off by saying, in kind of an ironic way, your struggle is something many people go through, I might say quite often.  Many feel alone with one another quite frequently.  THe reasons for feeling alone vary much between person to person.  In reading how you presented things, I will just respond from how this strikes me.  Sometimes feeling alone might be the result of not completing the second half of the equation; meaning that although people ""listen"" it wont necessarily equate the elimination of being alone. Instead, its when you follow up by inquiring and listening to others that you  may discover they feel and think and struggle just like you do. And as a result, you discover you really were never alone; when people discover common struggle and feelings, we are connected.  Second, we as humans are sometimes feeling alone because we may be lacking some self-acceptance.  Not fully accepting myself or situation , can be in the way of feeling the presence of others or the hearing the voice of others too. Or in other words, not bein 'ok' with myself makes it difficult being with others.  Third; feeling alone may be us not clear on what we are really needing from another person?   These are just some thoughts to consider.  Aloneness feels so real; and yet it has much to do with our perspective and view of things...  we are all alone in a crowded world until we speak and listen more closely. Kindly -keith hughes M.A.  keithcounseling.com " +"Sometimes, I'm fine and can go out or meet people, but other days, my heart races and words physically cannot come out of my mouth. I've always thought it was normal and I was just nervous, but the other day, it took me almost 30 minutes of sitting in my car to find the courage to enter Target by myself."," Feelings of anxiety can be scary and sometimes we're not aware of the triggers that lead up to moments of anxiety, i. e., heart racing, sweaty palms, sweating, shortness of breath. It's important to realize that in moments of anxiety our body & mind are experiencing a reaction from our primal or reptilian brain that is signaling the flight or fight response within us, which kicks the hypothalamus into action flooding our body with chemicals, like adrenaline or cortisol.  So, one way to work with anxiety is to find out what the triggers are that lead to anxiety, such as fear, stress. negative thought patterns, not enough food or sleep. Keeping a daily journal can help you track the patterns and triggers and once you identify the triggers you can ameliorate them by learning new skills & techniques and by reducing stress and getting enough sleep. One quick way to reduce anxiety is by taking deeper breathes, sometimes this is called belly breathing. When you breath in make sure your belly rises and expands and as you breath out the belly deflates. Many of us do shallow breathing up in our chest which does not allow for a full breath, and getting a full breath is so important as a tool to help relax us in times of stress & anxiety .  " +"Often times I find myself thinking scary thoughts and sometimes I even scare myself into thinking that something bad is going to happen to me. Once it starts, the thought continues going through my head and I can't get it out. How can I stop these thoughts?"," Scary thoughts can feel overwhelming at times as well as feeling quite real. I want to acknowledge how scary they can feel, but there is hope and new skills you can learn to work with these types of thoughts. The first step in working with scary or negative thoughts is to acknowledge that they are just thoughts and we can choose to follow the scary thought streams or work with cutting them off or ignoring them. I also realize that might seem really hard to do, but here's a good way to think about the brain and how thought patterns work. Thoughts arise in the mind all the time, our brain is a thought machine. Many thoughts drift by like clouds and we don't pay any attention while other thoughts arise and they trigger us in a particulate way, i.e., scary, angry, happy, sad, and when those thoughts arise we can chose to pay more attention to the thought which can lead us down that particulate thought stream that will lead to fear and anxiety. So, how do we work or stop those scary thought streams? One new skill to implement comes from the work of Rick Hansen, he wrote the book Buddha's Brain,"" he teaches that we need to give more energy and attention to the positive thoughts or positive memories we hold in our mind and pay less attention to the negative thoughts. Hansen asks us to imagine the brain this way, the brain is like Velcro with negative thoughts and like teflon when it comes to positive thoughts. There are reasons that our brain works this way, but I don't have time to go into all of that in this response. So, it's just important to remember we have to work at positive thinking, actually pausing throughout the day to focus on positive feelings and memories,  this will help the mind reinforce positive thought streams and help reduce negative thought streams over time. If a scary thought arises try to replace it with a happy experience for at least a couple of moments, and see if that helps reduce the negative charge connected with that scary thought.  " +We've been in a long distance relationship for two and a half years. I recently saw his phone and saw the people he texts the most and one of them was a female coworker. I don't know how to approach this situation. How do I ask him about it?.," I think honesty is the right approach in this situation. Share with him that you looked at his phone, as well as sharing with him any fears or concerns that you're having about the long distance relationship. Trust is the foundation of any successful relationship and when doubt & distrust creep into a relationship it can undermine the long term health of the relationship. Hopefully, he will understand your concerns and appreciate your honesty. This also might be a good time to seek couples counseling to work on relationship & communication skills. " +"I suffer from adult ADHD, anxiety disorder, and depression. It has been difficult to find a doctor in my area and my primary physician won't help. I am unemployed and overwhelmed. What would you suggest I do?"," I would check out agencies that offer affordable counseling based on your income or very low cost counseling sessions, i.e., Pacific Clinics, Hathaway Sycamore, Pasadena Mental Health Center, Burbank Family Center. If you google affordable or low cost therapy in your particular area you will find resources to help you.  " +"Sometimes I can't stop thinking about life after death. I was raised in a religion that teaches that we will live on forever either in hell or in heaven. +When I think of living forever (even if it is in heaven which should be good), I feel overwhelmed. I don't like the thought of living forever and ever and ever. Sometimes I just can't get the thought out of my mind and the thoughts lead to panic and anxiety. +Am I crazy? I don't think these thoughts are normal."," Religious questioning is a complex and often philosophical topic, and these types of questions, especially around heaven, hell, and an afterlife can bring up a host of difficult & confusing feelings. What I want to focus on is the fear & anxiety you seem to be feeling that are deeply connected to your questions. Scary thoughts, negative thoughts, obsessive thoughts sometimes feel like they're out of control and there is nothing we can do to stop them, but I want to offer two techniques that might assist with your panic & anxiety. The first step in working with scary or negative thoughts is to acknowledge that they are just thoughts and we can choose to follow the scary thought streams or work with cutting them off or ignoring them. I also realize that might seem really hard to do, but here's a good way to think about the brain and how thought patterns work. Thoughts arise in the mind all the time, our brain is a thought machine. Many thoughts drift by like clouds and we don't pay any attention while other thoughts arise and they trigger us in a particulate way, i.e., scary, angry, happy, sad, and when those thoughts arise we can chose to pay more attention to the thought which can lead us down that particular thought stream that will lead to fear and anxiety. So, how do we work or stop those scary thought streams? One new skill to implement comes from the work of Rick Hansen, he wrote the book Buddha's Brain,"" he teaches that we need to give more energy and attention to the positive thoughts or positive memories we hold in our mind and pay less attention to the negative thoughts. Hansen asks us to imagine the brain this way, the brain is like Velcro with negative thoughts and like teflon when it comes to positive thoughts. There are reasons that our brain works this way, but I don't have time to go into all of that in this response. So, it's just important to remember we have to work at positive thinking, actually pausing throughout the day to focus on positive feelings and memories,  this will help the mind reinforce positive thought streams and help reduce negative thought streams over time. If a scary thought arises try to replace it with a happy experience for at least a couple of moments, and see if that helps reduce the negative charge connected with that scary thought. I would also suggest when you're having the thoughts about death take a moment to notice how you're breathing. Often when we are feeling anxiety we are doing shallowing chest breathing rather than taking in a full, deep breath or what is called belly breathing. If you take a moment to focus on your breathing and allow a couple of full breaths, bringing in the breath so the belly rises and then the belly natural falls as you exhale, just noticing the breath and practicing breathing can slow down the anxiety cycle as it begins. " +"My husband and I had our first threesome recently. Everyone was drinking and he was on her more then me. + +He and I talked about it afterwards and it made me feel better, and now I'm craving more of it. But before it gets close to happening I get this empty feeling. Why am I feeling this way?"," You need to have an honest conversation with each other about WHY you both want a threesome. Evaluate the status of your relationship with each other. Are you having issues? Fighting? Not feeling satisfied with each other? How has your intercourse life been with each other?  If there are any problems, insecurities, issues, introducing something like this may only make your relationship worse.  Open relationships and threesomes rarely work out well. Sure, there are some who successfully live this lifestyle, but it only works when both people are completely secure in their relationship with each other, harbor no jealousies or insecurities, and aren't looking to someone else to satisfy needs that aren't getting met by their spouse.  Let me say that again: This is not likely to work out well for you if either of you are insecure, jealous, or looking to have needs met by this other person that you aren't getting from your spouse.  That empty feeling you're having - listen to it. Dig deep to find out where it is coming from. What thoughts are going through your head when you feel that way? You'll get the answer. The other thing that helps make something like this work is for both of you to listen and respect each other. If you don't like it that he paid more attention to the other girl, he needs to know that, and he needs to respect that.  If you're going to do it again, he needs to know what you're comfortable with and what you want. Set the limits before you're in the moment, before it's too late to take an action back. Turn it around and ask him what he would be comfortable with if it were a man instead of a woman. It is perfectly natural to be curious and want to experiment. A lot of people get that out of the way before settling down in a monogamous relationship. People who marry young and/or inexperienced may still feel that curiosity about things like that and want to experience them, but don't want to hurt their spouse. The REASON you are both doing this matters a lot. If there are problems in your relationship, this is likely to only make things worse. " +"I'm 17 and I'm sick and tired of going back and forth. I'd like to stay at my mother's house. This problem has really affected me. I've had anxiety attacks and suicidal thoughts and self-harm in the past. + +Currently I'm going through anxiety and my thearapist is not available. How do I handle this?"," I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. Divorce can be so disruptive in a child's life. I'd really need a lot more information about your situation before I'd feel comfortable offering any advice or suggestions. There are so many variables, and not knowing the whole story, any advice could possibly make your situation worse. I do see some positives, though.  One, you say you have a therapist. That's great! I hope you're able to talk to them about this soon. Still, they can't give you legal advice, and a lot of this situation may be dictated by the law. What your therapist can help with, though, is dealing with whatever situation you have to follow by law. If you can't change the situation, you at least need to learn how to cope with it better.  Two, you're 17. When you're 18, you're legally an adult and will not be bound by any custody rules or visitation plans in place.  Honestly, teenagers usually have a lot of say with the courts in custody arrangements. Since you didn't specify more on the situation, I have no idea what your specific situation is. Were your parents ever married? Are they separated or divorced? Was there ever a court hearing for custody? Not all couples have an official court order arrangement. All families are different, too. Was there abuse between your parents? Towards you by one of them? Does either of them have addiction issues, major health or mental health issues, or anything like that? You mentioned that you want to live with your mom, but didn't say why. Are you afraid to tell your dad you want to stay with your mom? Is mom the lenient and fun parent while dad is the more strict one, or is there something else going on? This isn't a decision that should be placed entirely on you, and it also isn't a decision that anyone else needs to make on your behalf without your input. But advice on what to do needs to come from the people who know more about your situation so they can help recommend the best thing for you.  Whatever you do, hang in there! 18 will be here before you know it. Focus on that. Freedom. College. Plan for your future that YOU control, and focus on making it the best it can be. Do not let the anxiety and depression cloud your thoughts and make you do something irreversible.  " +"Cheating is something unacceptable for me but because we have two daughters I decided not to break up the family. +However, now I am struggling to forget and forgive what happened. I feel like I cannot trust him. Without trust, I cannot stay in this relationship. On the other hand, I do not want my children to get hurt. I'm not sure how to move forward?","It is completely understandable that you are struggling to forgive and forget this betrayal, and I'd like to echo the sentiment of Danielle Alvarez: infidelity takes time to heal from, so allow yourself to grieve and find the support you need. I'd highly suggest going to couples therapy and addressing all the issues that Danielle raised, especially whether he has expressed genuine remorse and is being completely transparent with you and is taking responsibility for the choice he made, including acknowledging the immense impact it had on you, your relationship, and your ability to trust him.  If you have doubts about being able to trust him, he needs to be willing to earn back your trust and do whatever it takes to do so. If he accepts this challenge, then that is a good sign you are on the path toward healing your relationship. Also, please don't ever forget that regardless of what led him to cheat, it was his decision to take that action rather than addressing whatever issues he was having in your relationship. Couples affected by betrayal typically have some underlying issue(s), whether it is a lack of connection or intimacy or another factor, and it is possible to heal and grow even stronger as a couple after betrayal. Because you are grieving, though, allow yourself to acknowledge and accept your feelings of hurt and pain, as they will likely come in waves, but the pain will lessen over time and with supportive therapy, along with the commitment to repair your relationship-from both you and your husband.  Also, in regards to your concern about hurting your children, keep in mind that parents model healthy relationship behavior for their children. If your relationship with your husband remains disconnected, untrusting, or bitter, your children will see that and not only feel sad that their parents are both suffering, but also grow up feeling that experiencing such ongoing pain is tolerable or even normal in a relationship. Having parents who learn to handle conflict or heal deep wounds in healthy ways is crucial for children's emotional and psychological development. Whether they see you heal together as a married couple or heal separately as loving but divorced co-parents, they will learn what it is like to expect healthy communication and boundaries in relationships, which I'm sure you want for your children! Take care of yourself, and I wish you much peace and healing.  Also, here is a good book I would recommend, along with books by Gottman, as Rebecca Wong suggested: Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy " +We've been in a long distance relationship for two and a half years. I recently saw his phone and saw the people he texts the most and one of them was a female coworker. I don't know how to approach this situation. How do I ask him about it?.," Just ask him. I'm not sure how you saw his phone if you're in a long distance relationship, because long distance means you live far apart from each other and don't get to see each other in person. Therefore, I think we may have a different understanding of the definition of ""long distance relationship"" which makes it hard for me to adequately answer this question for you. I don't know how old you are, but if you're an adult, after two and a half years, I don't think it's unreasonable to have an open and honest talk with each other about where the relationship is going and what you both want and expect. Long distance relationships are difficult to keep alive because you don't ever see each other in person. Talking, texting, and video chatting isn't enough, and the longer the physical distance remains, the more difficult it becomes to keep an emotional closeness. It may be time to evaluate the situation, figure out when (if ever) the two of you will be able to be together in person, and if you can and want to wait that long. Do you both want the same things out of life? If one of you wants to take the relationship to the next level but the other doesn't, then it doesn't matter if it's long distance or not - if you aren't on the same page with the relationship, it is going to be difficult to make it work. Trust is important. Issues with trust, insecurity, jealousy, lying and/or hiding things from each other, being afraid to speak up and have an honest conversation - these things can ruin relationships if not addressed. I know confrontation of any sort can be hard for some people, but it is necessary at times. Evaluate your true feelings for him. Are you with him for reasons other than love, such as being afraid to be alone or thinking you wouldn't be able to find someone else? Has he ever given you reason to be suspicious of his female coworkers or friends before? Some people, unfortunately, develop a track record of indiscretions and give their significant others ample reason for distrusting them. However, if this is not the case, you may be unfairly judging his texting through the eyes of your own insecurities.  It may be time for you both to take an honest assessment of your own reasons for being in the relationship, figure out what you want, and make a decision. This may result in bringing the two of you closer and taking the relationship to the next level. Or, it could lead to a decision to end things. I know that can be difficult, but you both deserve to be happy and to be allowed to make the decisions that will lead to your personal happiness. " +My girlfriend just quit drinking and she became really depressed. She told me that she wants to move. What can I do to help her? I want her to stay.," You're probably not going to like my answer. Your question says a lot about what YOU want rather than what she wants or what may be best for her. Sometimes, what's best for a person is the hardest thing to do, and may be completely opposite of what YOU want. Addictions don't happen in a vacuum. If you've had any experience with addicts at all, then I'm sure you've heard the term ""enabler"". A lot of the times, when people think they're ""helping"", they're actually enabling the addict to continue their self-destructive behavior. Tough love and clear boundaries are needed in a lot of situations, but especially with addictions. Family and friends are often the biggest contributing factor to someone choosing to use/drink, continuing to do so, or relapsing back into it. You said she recently quit. You said she is depressed. She wants to move. When a person receives counseling for addictions, they are encouraged to make changes like this. They need to break the habit, and this means removing people from their lives at times. It means moving to new locations. Anything that may trigger a relapse needs to be identified and removed. Not only that, but the addict needs to do a lot of personal reflection to figure out WHY they use/drink in the first place, and not only break the physical addiction to it, but deal with whatever is the root cause that led them to use in the first place. She may need some time alone to figure out who she is as a person, time to make some decisions for herself and do what she needs to do to be healthy. Don't pressure her to stay. Let her have the freedom to do what she needs to do. If she stays, the decision needs to be hers and hers alone. It doesn't need to be made under pressure. That will only lead to resentment. Support her, but don't try to change her or make her do anything, especially for selfish reasons. Let her go. It sounds like she needs some time to focus on herself right now. It wouldn't be a bad idea for you to do the same. " +"I have a fear of something and I want to face that fear to overcome it, but I don't know how. What can I do?"," Biologically, fear is designed to protect us from harm. Fear is not always a bad thing, and in fact can be quite healthy and appropriate depending on the situation.  A phobia, however, is different. You used the term ""fear"" rather than ""phobia"". A phobia is an irrational fear - meaning it is not rational for you to fear that thing. If your situation is a phobia, exposure therapy can help. This consists of gradually exposing yourself a little at a time to the thing you are afraid of. Some people with phobias find that the irrational fear interferes with their life and they do need to overcome it. Someone who is afraid to drive over bridges may go to great lengths to avoid routes that have bridges. People who are afraid of elevators may always use the stairs instead, which may not always be feasible. If overcoming a phobia will improve the quality of your life, then by all means, seek professional help to overcome it. Everyone has fears, or things that make them nervous. Public speaking, asking a person out, fear of failure. Examine what your fear is and try to determine the reason for the fear. When you can get to the root cause of the fear, you can deal with that issue. A lot of times, it is a self-esteem issue. You may be able to peel back the layers of the fear and find out what's causing it and deal with the real issue.  Some fears are caused by trauma. Someone with PTSD is going to have an exaggerated fear response and will find themselves being kicked into ""fight or flight"" mode over things that someone without the trauma experience wouldn't notice or react to. In cases like this, exposure therapy would be the wrong approach and could actually make things worse. If there is a possibility that a past trauma is the cause of your fear, I strongly urge you to seek a therapist - not just any therapist, but one who is trained to work with trauma and abuse victims. " +I feel like I hate myself physically and emotionally sometimes. How can I start accepting myself and be more confident?," The answer would require a more in-depth knowledge of you and your situation.  A lot of times, these feelings are the result of the people in your life treating you a certain way. You internalize it and accept it as your reality.  The first step is to evaluate the people close to you, especially your parents. Even if you are an adult, think back to your childhood. Children who grow up in an unstable home often grow up to be adults with insecurities and emotional problems. The obvious, such as being abused, can certainly lead to a person having little to no confidence and self esteem, but there are other situations that might surprise you to hear they can be damaging to a person. You may have never been physically or intercourseually abused, but what about emotionally? Were you yelled at, berated, put down? Were you told you'd never amount to anything? Were you compared to siblings and felt like you always fell short, couldn't live up to expectations? When you hear something over and over again, you start to believe it. Maybe you weren't yelled at. Maybe it was the opposite. Studies show that children who grow up with a parent who is depressed show signs of emotional neglect. A chronically depressed mother, for example, may have seemed cold, detached, emotionless. She may have been less likely to show interest in a child's life, not give praise for accomplishments or show support by going to ballgames or performances.  If one of your family members were chronically ill while you were growing up, chances are, a lot of the attention went to them, which could have led to your needs not being met. Any of these situations could cause a person to grow up feeling unimportant, unheard, unloved, or like they don't matter. Maybe nothing I've described here fits your situation. If you can't pinpoint what has caused you to feel this way on your own, a counselor can help. I am not saying ""blame it on your parents"" or telling you there's nothing you can do to change it! Quite the opposite! Understanding WHY you feel that way is a first step towards making the changes needed to feel better. Cognitive behavior therapy focuses on cognition - figure out the WHY. Then behavior - the HOW.  " +"My dad makes me feel like shit and like I'm worthless. He calls me names and makes me feel depressed. I want to move out because I swear if I stay here, I'm going to lose it. What can I do?"," Are you old enough to move out? Then by all means, what's stopping you? If not, is it possible for you to move in with another family member? If you're a minor, CPS may need to step in. They often do in cases of abuse. Your safety is the number one priority. It's difficult to offer advice without knowing more about your situation. But I can say this: Don't let other people define your self worth. You can choose NOT to allow him to make you feel anything. It really is that simple. By looking at it as a choice you make, you will be empowered to take control over your emotions and learn to feel better about yourself because your self-worth will no longer be defined by what someone else says about you or how they treat you. Let me say that again in a different way: Your self-worth is NOT defined by someone else. The way he treats you is a reflection of who he is as a person - not you. Don't take ownership of that!  I understand that if you are a minor, setting healthy boundaries and refusing to accept this kind of treatment can be difficult. Reach out to others for help. But if you are 18 and over, there is absolutely no excuse for you to be there having to put up with maltreatment. Put up some boundaries and create the distance needed to protect yourself emotionally. You owe it to yourself, and deserve to live a healthy, happy life. Anyone who tells you otherwise is wrong. " +"My boyfriend shows affection, but I just push him away. Every time my boyfriend tries to kiss, hug, or touch me I almost always push him away. I'm on birth control and it has killed my intercourse drive. + + I love him so much. Why do I do this?"," I sympathize with you! It is actually quite common for one partner to have a higher intercourse drive than the other, and can lead to discord in the relationship. The good news is, there are ways to deal with this. You may have already answered your question. There are many medications that can alter one's intercourse drive. If your birth control pills are the cause of this, talk to your doctor about switching to a different brand. You may even consider alternate methods for birth control, such as condoms. However, there are some other things to ask yourself. First, you used the term ""affection"" but then talked about intercourse. They're not the same thing. There are different kinds of intimacy, and many different ways to show love for someone. A book you might find useful is ""The Five Love Languages"". Defining what ""affection"" means to you, and to him, and discovering all the ways you both can show this towards each other, may help lessen some of your anxiety over this. Humans are hard-wired to need appropriate physical touch. In fact, studies have shown that newborns/premies who can receive skin-on-skin contact with their parent can recover faster than babies who don't receive this touch. It's called Kangaroo Care.  Children who have grown up in neglectful environments where they're not hugged and kissed and shown appropriate physical contact can often be unable to show this to their partners and children when they're adults. One question to ask yourself is, were you having intimacy issues before starting the medication? If so, there may be other, deeper issues at play here. For someone who has received the wrong kind of intercourseual/physical touch (intercourseual abuse, physical beatings) it can be difficult to allow someone to be physically close to you. A therapist could help you work through this. Sometimes, a person may lose their intercourseual feelings for their partner due to issues in the relationship. Once those issues are resolved, the intercourse drive comes back. Examine your relationship and see if either of you are unhappy, if you've been arguing a lot, or if there are any problems in your relationship that need to be addressed. Finally, look for the other ways that the two of you may be intimate in a non-intercourseual way. You may be doing things for each other that you don't even realize, and noticing these will help you appreciate it more. Take the stress off of the intercourseual gratification and focus on showing your love in other ways. Some people like to give gifts, do the other person's chores, or do other things they think the person will appreciate. If, after all of this, you still have a discrepancy with one of you having a higher intercourse drive, there are many articles online that offer advice for couples dealing with this situation that you may find useful. It is a very common issue for a lot of couples. " +"I have a fear of something and I want to face that fear to overcome it, but I don't know how. What can I do?"," Fears are not that difficult to deal with, first you need to train yourself to relax using some relaxation strategy, once you are able to employ that in your daily life, you then need to start facing your fear, for instance I'll use an example of a man who has a fear of driving over a bridge. We would build a hierarchy of fears, that is a list of fears ranging from least to most, for example the man may want to start by looking at a picture of a bridge while employing his relation technique, then he may want to see a real bridge from a distance while employing that same relaxation technique, then moving closer to the bridge, then maybe standing on a bridge, all the while moving closer to his fear while relaxing, until you come to most fearful proposition which is crossing that bridge, or you can also engage in flooding which is for example, if you were scared of an elevator, go into an elevator until you are not panicking anymore, in the movie Batman Begins, Bruce Wayne who has a great fear of bats, goes into this cave and allows himself to be surrounded by bats until he is no longer fearful of them. Secondly, look at your fears, do they even need to be worked on, some fears are healthy, for example if i was a therapist in New York City and someone came to me and said ""I'm scared of snakes"", I would probably say that is OK because there are very little snakes left in Manhattan Hope that helps C " +"We weren't long distance until he joined the military. I love him and I know he loves, me but it's complicated. He said he's not going to find someone else, but I'm afraid. How do I keep our relationship going?"," Loving someone in the military is hard. My husband and I joined the USAF two months after we got married! How long do you expect to be apart? Do you have access to Skype or something similar? How far away from each other are you? Can you meet half way periodically? I have a number of military friends who have dates over the miles with facebook live. They pick a restaurant, order, and talk about their day. It's super cute and sweet. What are some things that you have tried? " +My daughter is in later elementary school. She can't color in the lines. Her words jumble together when she writes unless there are big spaces or she skips lines.," There could be a number of things going on here. For instance, have her eyes been checked by an optometrist? She might just not like writing or coloring. She could be rushing through assignments so that she can spend time with friends, play games, or do something else. She might need some extra help with fine motor skills. What are her grades like? Does she rush through other things like cleaning her room or getting ready for bed? " +"I have been diagnosed with posttraumatic stress disorder due to my military experiences. Not a year ago, I had a car accident. Could this experience add more problems?","Post Traumatic Stress Disorder can occur after any traumatic event where a real and present threat of harm or loss of life to yourself or others is present. Yes, a car accident could increase PTSD symptoms such as hyper-vigilance, anxiety, nightmares, re-playing the event, etc. Depending on the severity of the accident new triggers might exist. This is not to say that you cannot recover. Are you currently experiencing additional trauma symptoms? " +I need to get on base to see my doctor. My ID card was in my wallet which was stolen. I'm unable to reach my husband at this time. He is only one who can take me on base in order to get a new ID so I can continue to see doctor. Is there anything I can do?," As a prior military spouse myself I can happily report that you have several options in this case. First, you can go to the visitors center and let them know what has happened to get a temporary pass for a new id. Also, you can call the squadron commander or other official from your husband's unit to get them to tell you how to proceed. You can also contact the military personnel flight for more information The best thing is to get a new id as soon as you can. There should be no problems because it was stolen and yu might need to report it to the military police or security forces on base. " +"My fiancé and I have been together for 3 years and our relationship has always been good. The only issue we had was that he felt like he wasn't getting enough intercourseual attention from me. + +I recently found out he cheated on me with another women. He says he wants his family back but I'm confused on what to do. Is it possible for us to get past the cheating, or should I just move on?"," I think there are many different directions we could go as far as answering your question.  I think the first and most important question you need to ask yourself is do you truly believe in your heart that you can forgive him and trust him again?  Once you answer that question honestly then you can move in one of two directions.   First, if you truly love this guy and see yourself being with him long term and for the ""long haul"", so to speak...and you genuinely want to forgive him and trust him again, that is completely do-able and possible if you both put in the work.  But, there's a greater issue here that needs to be addressed.  You say your relationship is ""good"", but there's been a intercourseual disconnect between the two of you and that usually indicates some type of emotional disconnect is at the core.  Would you agree with that, or what are your thoughts?  Were you giving him less intercourseual attention than you normally do or were you guys never on the same page about intercourseual needs and having compatible intercourse drives?  If you are more of an emotional person than he is, you may have been less interested intercourseually because he hasn't been meeting your emotional needs.  For instance, if you hadn't been feeling loved, cared about, validated, appreciated, cherished, and special to him than you may have felt less connected physically and been less interested.  This is a common issue with couples, and can easily be addressed if the communication in your relationship is strong and you can find a way to express to him your frustrations.  In essence, many women tend to have more emotional needs than men, this is the way we are hard-wired, and there are exceptions to this of course, but if you have been feeling neglected emotionally than your lack of interest in intercourse is actually completely understandable and NORMAL!  Until he understands this, and can learn to tune into your needs emotionally, you may struggle with feeling you are out of sync emotionally (and intercourseually).  This leads to you both being frustrated, but if all this is ringing true to you, he seriously probably has no clue what's going on and may not know how you're feeling.  You need to communicate your needs to him; if you are super lost with how to do that, there's an awesome book called The Five Love Languages.  It's not that long, and it's very approachable and easy to apply the concepts to your relationships. Invaluable resource for relationships and truly eye opening; really!! This is a long post, I'm sorry!  But this is such an important issue that is very common and many people feel lost about how to handle it.  So back to the second direction you can go....you feel very betrayed, you aren't sure if you can ever trust him again and you see yourself perhaps being paranoid forever and never being able to completely get over this.  For instance, if he says he is working late, or if he doesn't call or text right away when he usually does, you may immediately jump to the worst case scenario that he is cheating again.  Of course, it may not be true, he may have legit reasons for his behaviors, but the point is if you are going to be in paranoia-mode OR you just will always be unsure whether he loves you and is committed to you and only you, then the trust may not be able to be re-built.  You need to think long and hard about this, and if you decide you have the capacity to forgive him and rebuild your foundation of trust and honesty, then you need to let him know very explicitly what you need him to do to earn that trust back.  You can't just tell him vaguely ""I need to trust you again""; if he wants his family back and he's willing to do the work, you need to line out exactly what he needs to do and he needs to do it.  But, be prepared that he might throw out there that he cheated because he felt you weren't attracted to him anymore (or he tries to put the blame on you somehow because he says you weren't meeting his physical needs)...if he throws that out there, but you weren't showing him the affection because you were frustrated emotionally, then it all starts with you communicating that to him.  Get that book! In conclusion, if you feel in your heart there is no way you will be able to trust him again and you will always wonder if he's cheating when his behavior isn't spot on, you will be a nervous wreck and perhaps cutting your losses now would spare you the continued heartache.  There is certainly a way to work through this, but you both have to be motivated and you have to get to the source of why the cheating happened in the first place.  Rebuilding trust can be a long process, maybe even years, and for some people, they may never be able to fully trust and let go of the past.  I truly recommend starting with the book, and then going from there.  If you decide you want to stay with him, you would really benefit from couples counseling, as it sounds like a professional could help you strengthen your communication and ability to trust again. " +"Often times I find myself thinking scary thoughts and sometimes I even scare myself into thinking that something bad is going to happen to me. Once it starts, the thought continues going through my head and I can't get it out. How can I stop these thoughts?"," I'm sorry you're going through this problem of scary thoughts in your mind. None of us are able to directly stop thoughts from coming. What is possible is to question their value, accuracy, and believability. Maybe if you examine the thoughts which upset you, you'll be able to feel better by understanding that the thoughts are not very relevant to your actual life. Also, another choice of what to do with the upsetting thoughts, is to redirect them.  When a stressful or frightening thought shows up in your mind, give it a happy resolution.   Basically, turn the fright into something pleasant or at least bearable. I hope this helps you at least a little bit! " +"I'm 17 and I'm sick and tired of going back and forth. I'd like to stay at my mother's house. This problem has really affected me. I've had anxiety attacks and suicidal thoughts and self-harm in the past. + +Currently I'm going through anxiety and my thearapist is not available. How do I handle this?"," Have you told either of your parents that the current house rotation of where you stay, bothers you? Since each parent has an interest to be together with you, I imagine that to some degree, each cares how you feel. If these conversations are not getting your problem solved, then maybe your therapist can have a family session with your parents together and depending on the outcome, with you and each parent. " +"I have high functioning autism and I have been on a lot of dating sites like meet me, match, and zoosk. I haven't had any luck on any of the dating sites I have been on. + + I really want a boyfriend but I don't know what I should do. I just want to be in a relationship. How can I meet someone?"," Are there dating sites for people who have autism on the high functioning end? If not, then find out the names of different organizations which support people who have autism.  At least one of these groups will have some guidance as to social activities for dating or even specific sites for dating when autism is a criteria. All the rejection on dating sites is rough for anyone to handle. How do you know that you're being passed over by guys who are on dating sites because you have autism?    Any reason is possible. Unless you've heard from a few particular guys that their reason for looking beyond you is because of your autism, it is possible you're in the same boat as everyone else who feels similarly frustrated by dating site rejection! " +"My fiancé and I have been together for 3 years and our relationship has always been good. The only issue we had was that he felt like he wasn't getting enough intercourseual attention from me. + +I recently found out he cheated on me with another women. He says he wants his family back but I'm confused on what to do. Is it possible for us to get past the cheating, or should I just move on?"," It's possible but challenging. Both partners need to be feel motivated enough to repair the relationship and dedicated to the work needed to address whatever underlying issues led to the serious breach of trust. For some people, cheating is an absolute deal breaker—for others, the context of the cheating allows them to see it as a mistake that they can forgive their partner for. So it depends on how you feel about the relationship and whether you want to put in the work to repair it. If you're not sure how you feel, counseling can help you resolve the ambiguity, either individually or with your partner. Then, depending on what you decide, a counselor can help you either repair the relationship or decouple from your former partner. " +"I just don't know what I want in life anymore. I'm can't figure out what it is that is keeping me distracted and unfocused. I can't put things into perspective at all. I'm just stuck, and I'm disappointed with my lack of accomplishments."," If you are a people-pleaser type or a natural caretaker, you can slowly ""lose yourself"" over time if you are always tending to the needs of others and neglecting yourself.  If this sounds like a familiar pattern for you, this may have happened without you even realizing it if you were raised in a family where you had to pick up the slack alot.  Maybe your parents were addicts or they might have even just worked all the time and you learned to ""take care of everything"" because that is what you had to do to help the family run smoothly.  Over time, a person who grows up in this type of environment learns that you put the needs of others before your own.  You might also be stuck in these types of patterns in intimate relationships as well; if you completely give yourself over to your significant other and you don't create a life for yourself with your own interests and supportive friends, you are at risk of losing what is unique and amazing about you.  If you grew up in a family where you learned this role out of survival or because it was needed to take care of your family, it's easy to re-create this in adult relationships. In both scenarios, if there is no awareness that this ""self sacrifice at the expense of others"" is going on, your identity is shaped around being a caretaker/enabler/people-pleaser and down the road it can lead to depression, low self esteem, and a confused sense of self.  Basically, you spend so much time helping other people that you don't make time for yourself or create a life of fulfillment.  Before you realize it, you have been living a life for others instead of yourself and you have no idea who YOU are.  Supporting loved ones and friends is important and certainly admirable, but if you are always that person that rescues, those that rely on you begin to take advantage of you and they will suck you dry if you let them.   In conclusion, learning to set boundaries with those in your life that are too needy becomes a really important part of the process when you begin to recognize that you are unhappy and unfulfilled in life.  It sounds like you may be at that crossroads right now.  Take one small step at at a time.  Identify the worst offenders in your life that suck time and energy, and limit your contact and/or set some strong boundaries with those people so you can refocus and do some soul-searching.  Meanwhile, engage in pleasurable activities with people you enjoy being with, get yourself outside in the fresh air, get some good sleep, and eat some nourishing food! " +"My ex-wife married and used me to have a child. She now uses that child as a pawn. I know my child misses me, but I need to move on and not live in the past. How do I do this? Do I see my child as much as possible or very little? Is it more confusing for the child?"," You can ""move on and not live in the past"" in the context of your ex-relationship, but that does not mean moving on from your child. ""Moving on"" then would involve accepting the end of the relationship and developing a civil relationship with your ex-partner as far as is possible for the sake of your child's development. Generally, it's good for a functional (non-abusive) parent to spend time with his/her child, but only insofar as that doesn't cause your child unnecessary stress. That requires the two adults to act like adults with each other for the sake of their child. What's confusing for children is seeing their parents act uncivilly or manipulatively. Children also do well with routines so regular dependable visitation is preferable to random visitation or, worse, not following through on commitments. But if one person is exploiting their child to harm their ex-partner, then visiting your child in that context may be stressful to him/her (depending on what you mean by using your child as a pawn). When dealing with a hostile ex-partner, your first challenge is to negotiate rules and boundaries with your ex-partner about appropriate behavior for the good of your child. If you cannot come to an agreement, a counselor can help mediate a conversation. If that's not an option, then it may be possible to turn to family court to stipulate visitation rules (for which you'd have to consult with an attorney). " +"I have a fear of something and I want to face that fear to overcome it, but I don't know how. What can I do?"," This answer could be very different depending on the fear, the degree of it, and what it connects to. I wonder the following: " +"I'm 17 and I'm sick and tired of going back and forth. I'd like to stay at my mother's house. This problem has really affected me. I've had anxiety attacks and suicidal thoughts and self-harm in the past. + +Currently I'm going through anxiety and my thearapist is not available. How do I handle this?"," OK first things first. We have to think of your safety and take care of those thoughts of hurting yourself. Yes, this is a major problem for you and can cause anxiety and depression. You have the right to be sick and tired. Kids often are pawns in this marital problems that their parents have. I'm sorry that this is happening to you. I am not sure of your rights in the state you live in but as far as I know you as a 17 year old you have the right to stay where you want.  So your'e going through an anxiety episode and your therapist is not available.   If I'm the therapist we would have already set up a plan so that if you are in this situation you would know what to do. In the worst case scenario you would be able to contact me. But I would have given you several exercises to help reduce your anxiety. Staying with your mom should be your choice. I know you probably don't want to hurt anyone's feelings but there are ways to ease the tension. Maybe with your permission and their agreement, we all could meet together for a session or two to ease your tensions and get over and through this hassle.  " +"Often times I find myself thinking scary thoughts and sometimes I even scare myself into thinking that something bad is going to happen to me. Once it starts, the thought continues going through my head and I can't get it out. How can I stop these thoughts?"," Hi there, I first want to let you know that having these thoughts is completely normal. Studies have been done that show that 80% of human thoughts are ""negative"" so you are not alone.  I like to think of thoughts as a tornado... if you are in a tornado, you are completely consumed by it and it is nearly impossible to do anything beneficial. However, when you are, let's say, a mile away from a tornado, it is still scary but you have the option to do something that is important to you such as get shelter or make sure your family and friends are safe.  When unhelpful or scary thoughts arise, we tend to start a ""war"" with them, which is the equivalent of jumping into the tornado. This makes the thoughts and emotions bigger and intensifies the feelings that go with them.  So the question I imagine you have is ""how do I get out of the tornado?"" There are 3 steps to doing this:
  1. Get distance from your thoughts by adding ""I am noticing I'm having the thought that...."" to the front of them. For example, ""I am noticing I am having the thought that something bad is going to happen to me.""   The purpose of this is not to decrease your fear or get rid of the thought. These thoughts might always be there and that is okay because that is how the mind naturally works so struggling with that is a waste of time and energy. The purpose is to gain some distance from the thoughts so you don't get swept away by them. You can imagine them floating along like leaves in a stream or clouds in the sky (and often the same thought will come back again and again but that's okay... just continue to notice it with curiosity). I imagine the thoughts get in your way of doing what really matters to you so if you can get a little bit of distance, you can do things that are fulfilling and meaningful to you. 
  2. Tune into your body and notice what sensations come up and where you feel them most intensely. Then breathe into them and make room for them. Our 5 main emotions are: joy, sadness, fear/anxiety, shame, and anger. ALL of these emotions are part of being human and there is no escaping them. So again, struggling with them ends up intensifying them. Instead, let them be and make a little bit of room for them. Often a side effect of this is the intensity will decrease but it might not. The purpose is to keep them from becoming more intense. 
  3. Contact the present moment. Notice what is happening here and now. One way of doing this is tuning into the five senses. What are some things you hear, see, taste, smell, and feel? Another way is to notice what is happening in your body (without trying to change it). How deep are your breaths, what is happening with your heart rate, are you cold/warm, etc?
Implementing these three steps can help you to refrain from getting caught up in your unhelpful thoughts. Unfortunately there is no way to get rid of thoughts or feelings completely. So the only option that works in the long run is to accept them while continuing to do what matters to you and what is fulfilling to you. I hope this helps! " +"I have a fear of something and I want to face that fear to overcome it, but I don't know how. What can I do?"," Fear is a part of life. In fact, our five main emotions are joy, fear, sadness, shame, and anger. We tend to spend a lot of time and energy running away from or trying to get rid of most of those emotions and the more we do that, the more we set ourselves up for failure and disappointment.  As a result of viewing our human emotions as ""bad"" or ""wrong,"" we often get caught up in a trap of thinking we have to overcome them or get rid of them before we can do what matters to us. In reality, you can do what is important to you while having your fears!  My question for you is, what would you do if this fear was completely gone? What behaviors would you have if you were the ideal you? What skills, knowledge, or personal qualities would you develop? What kind of relationships would you have? I imagine your fear has kept you from achieving those goals because your mind tells you you can't do it until the fear is gone. I challenge you to do the following exercise:
  1. What is a goal you would like to achieve? Example: I would like to change careers
  2. What actions are necessary to complete this goal? Example: see a career counselor to determine my ideal career, go back to school/get a certification, network with others in my desired industry
  3. What thoughts, feelings, or urges might get in my way? Example: thoughts of ""What if I fail? I'm not smart enough. I can't do it. I'm too busy to put energy into this."" Feelings of fear, shame, excitement. Urges to distract myself through drinking or watch tv instead of taking action.
  4. It would be helpful to remind myself that: example: It is natural to have these thoughts, feelings, and urges but I can take action anyway. I deserve to have a fulfilling life.
  5. The smallest and easiest step I can take now: example: research career counselors in my area and write down their phone numbers
  6. The time, day and date that I will take that first step, is: example: Tonight at 7pm 
At least think through these answers but it is most beneficial to write them down. I hope this helps! " +Does counseling really do anything that can help people?," Yes, Counseling provides an area for people to speak to an unbiased professional about their concerns to address their unique needs. While length of time varies, counseling is a process and can be done from as little as one session to multiple sessions. Counseling provide a safe, non-judgmental, empathetic atmosphere from a professional helper provide the service  " +My girlfriend just quit drinking and she became really depressed. She told me that she wants to move. What can I do to help her? I want her to stay.,"You should start by speaking with her about what has her so down. Have their been some significant events in her life that have affected her? Have their been significant events in your relationship that can be affecting  you both? If she just stopped drinking, she may be struggling to finding an alternative and healthier behavior. This is something the two of you can explore together. Also, if need be perhaps she can speak to a therapist to discuss her feelings about quitting alcohol. It sounds like you really care and right now she could use all the support she can get despite her pushing you away. " +"It was over 20 years ago, but the pain has resurfaced again now because I have started seeing her Facebook posts about how great her life is. I feel so angry. How can I handle this?","Affairs and infidelity are tough areas to address. The power of the affair comes from the feeling of injustice that seems to have happened to you. The struggle I notice people have is with the forgiveness. Forgiveness is something that is asked of you from your partner but also you have the power to give. I assume you want to forgive or have forgiven. However, the forgetting part is difficult.  It seems that image of her happiness may have triggered something in you that isn't happy. I'm not sure how often you are triggered by her but it seems there is something there you need to process. The forgetting part sadly is difficult to put past your mind. However, it's being able to see the unfortunate situation they did and be able to walkthrough it even though it's painful. I think maybe speaking with a local therapist about this as it's often difficult to process alone. Also, see how you are feeling as days go on. Do you find yourself obsessed? If so, you may need to seek a professional counselor.  " +What makes a healthy marriage last?," This answer varies based on you relationship. However, I do believe their are some basic fundamental areas that are beneficial for a healthy marriage: 1.) Effective Communication 2.) Trust 3.) Love/Passion 4.) Loyalty.  5.) Unconditional Positive Regard.  Everyone has their favorite qualities they feel best fit a marriage. However, these are what I think are great starting points.  " +We've been in a long distance relationship for two and a half years. I recently saw his phone and saw the people he texts the most and one of them was a female coworker. I don't know how to approach this situation. How do I ask him about it?.," The best way to get an answer is to just ask. I would defintely let him know you are asking out of concern and not to judge or criticize. Allow him to explain his answer and see how you feel about it. Try to ask him when you both are already discussing other topics and just say, ""Can I ask you something?""  Earl Lewis www.RelationshipsGoneRight.com " +Does counseling really do anything that can help people?," Hi there! Thank you for your question. It's a great question and one that many people want to know the answer to. The short answer is, YES! Counseling can be very helpful to people struggling with many different things. There has been a lot of research conducted to prove that counseling is an effective way to help people with mental health concerns, life stressors, and many other issues. In addition, there are many people who would tell you that counseling made a positive, profound impact on their lives. Indeed, some would tell you that counseling saved their lives. Now, not everyone would tell you that counseling helped. But when you think about it, there are many medical treatments for a variety of healthcare issues that also do not help everyone. So, is counseling guaranteed? No. But, it is something that is worth trying if someone is suffering or is just wanting some perspective or support. Also, there is many different types of counseling. Different counselors have different styles and have different training for various issues. This means that you are likely to find someone who has a good style and expertise in an area that you want to work on. If you don't know where to go, I suggest contacting your state's counseling association. They can help. I think the real question that most people have is, how? How does it help? That question is a bit more complicated, because there are many different models of counseling/therapy that work in different ways. What I can tell you is that, regardless of the model of counseling, the relationship between counselor and client is the most important factor. I don't mean that the relationship has to be ooowy goowy... but it does have to be one where there is trust and openness. A counselor will spend time to make sure that you are working together as a team toward a common goal. If you go to counseling and you don't feel this is the case, tell your counselor. An ethical counselor will welcome your feedback. I hope this is helpful, please ask more questions! I hope some colleagues add some other thoughts, too. Be well, Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCC " +Does counseling really do anything that can help people?," Counselling offers a number of ways to help one to improve their situation.  For some, this process can take a very long, winding path of self-discovery, while, for others, they are seeking a purposeful, solution-based way to approach and manage a specific problem. It's important to remember that there are different styles of therapy, some of which will work great with some, but poorly with others, specifically to help those to decide how they wish to move forward. I often recommend speaking with a number of therapists before beginning treatment to find out more about how they practice, in order to make sure their style aligns with your goals.  On a more specific note, there is myriad research out in the world that indicates both counselling and medication can have an affect on changing our moods and behaviours.  However, medication is not an effective way of treating the problem, as it treats the symptoms of that problem (increased anxiety, lowered mood, etc.) and research has shown that the most effective route for better mental health care comes from a combination of counselling and medication.  " +Does counseling really do anything that can help people?," There are multiple ways that counseling helps people. The most basic is that it gives you someone to talk to about and through what you are facing. It is better than a friend because this is a space for your stuff and you get to focus on what you need and don't have to worry about the other side. This is also a place where you do not have to worry about how else the other person is involved in the situation. Beyond this basic level, a counselor will have expertise they can bring in terms of how people, including you, can effectively deal with this kind of situation. The counselor may also be aware of connections that you would not otherwise see. A good counselor will also recognize if and when you need other help or support in the situation. Why wouldn't you benefit from having someone walk with you in your journey to peace and wholeness.  " +"On the first day of school I wore a bra that was too big so that it would look like I had bigger boobs. I did that the whole school year and my parents never found out. But now I can never hang out with my friends at my house or invite them over because it would be around my parents and my friends would see there is nothing there on my chest. + +How do I fix this?"," Sometimes we let our insecurities get the best of us, causing us to make some interesting choices.  Honesty is always the best policy, but honesty comes with risk.  Perhaps you may want to start with your family first, explaining to them what you have done and why.  Perhaps they can help you to practice talking about your insecurities with your friends.  Another way is to start, slowly, to dress more and more like yourself and your true body shape. Some of your ""friends"" may make fun of you, true, but then you must ask yourself...why do you want to be friends with people like that?  " +"I have been diagnosed with posttraumatic stress disorder due to my military experiences. Not a year ago, I had a car accident. Could this experience add more problems?"," A car accident can be a traumatic event. Especially,  if it was serious, you could have feared for your life, felt everythingvwas out of control and had normal reactions to an abnormal situation afterwards.  This may or may not be related to the traumas that you experienced in the military. If it is then it is possible that you will see a direct effect in triggering off PTSD symptoms. Even if it didn't, it is possible that the complexity of the two situations will interact inside you to be a combined response.  Having already been diagnosed with PTSD, this might be a good time to reconnect with the help system you had around military experiences and explore it a little bit about the new experience. The right exploration does not have to make things worse and can be a good source of prevention.  " +"I've been depressed for quite a while. I've been trying to work through it, and my boyfriend has been my rock. He is honestly the only person I trust enough to talk to about anything, but he decided to break up with me because of my depression. I cannot afford to see a therapist or anything, so he saw no hope in staying with me. My insurance has a $5000 deductible, so I'm screwed. I've had everything from suicidal thoughts to trying to quit my job. I have no one. My family doesn't care about me; they kicked me out when I turned 18 a few years ago. I had friends, but they have all moved on with their lives and have no time for me. My ex-boyfriend is trying to help but is making things worse because every time I see or hear him, I break down into tears. I found out that I will never be promoted now because of my depression."," It sounds like you have been struggling with this for quite some time, using many of the same coping techniques that feel tried and true to no avail. Often, we fall back on coping techniques that would be helpful in other problems (stress, social anxieties, etc.) for our depression, but the truth is that depression requires it's own little tool kit.  Depression is all-encompassing, and, based on what you've written, the symptoms are already affecting work and your personal life in myriad ways.  The best route forward would be to seek out counselling, admittedly, but if your insurance deductible is too high, that can be very expensive. I would recommend contacting your Employee Assistance Program (EAP) if offered by your employer. If not, you can look into community centres for counselling options, check if your doctor will give you a referral or your local religious organization.  If, however, you are motivated to get your depression under control, there are some great workbooks out there that you can use on your own or with your therapist (as long as your therapist is trained in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, or CBT), such as ""Mind Over Mood"".    " +Does counseling really do anything that can help people?," A counselor can do a few things that can be helpful: 1) Give you a space where you can explore what's in your head without worrying about being judged or punished. 2) Help you better understand yourself, your choices, your motivations. 3) Give you tools and information you can use to help create change in your life.  Ultimately, though, it's up to the client to take action, because action is what creates change. So, a counselor can't create change ... but they can facilitate and support it.  " +I'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together?," Hard to say a whole lot without knowing more. However, if you focus your attention on her, what she's saying, what she's feeling instead of trying to make yourself heard and understood first, that's often a good step. Also, work on building win-win agreements with her, and follow through on them.  Those are the areas I see men fall short on most often. Hope that helps! " +"I'm 17 and I'm sick and tired of going back and forth. I'd like to stay at my mother's house. This problem has really affected me. I've had anxiety attacks and suicidal thoughts and self-harm in the past. + +Currently I'm going through anxiety and my thearapist is not available. How do I handle this?"," Sounds like a lot is going on right now at such a young age. I'd start with discussing with mom your concerns and ideal situation. I'm unsure what prevents you from staying there, but whoever you are staying with, it should be brought to their attention. In regards to your anxiety attacks, deep breathing is always a benefits. I have a link you can use to help to do this online if you are interested. In addition, finding ways you usually cope with anxiety and what's worked before can help and if it isn't, exploring new way to calm you down can be beneficial. This is something you can speak with your therapist about going forward when they are available. In regards to feeling suicidal: I would call suicide prevention hotline (You can google them) if you truly feel the ideation is getting worse. They are professional agents who can speak with you about your ideation and help you through the process. Hope this helps.  " +What makes a healthy marriage last?," This is a fantastic question. In one sentence, I would say the following: As for ways that may strengthen any relationship, even the great ones, this is what came to mind. There are certainly more specific unique answers or elements for different people as far as the details, but here are some general ideas: Relationships are always in progress and constantly changing. Some anxiety around change is typical. Being able to effectively discuss the anxiety and actually listen to one another without being defensive, name calling, finger-pointing, or asking each other to change is a true gift. You may enjoy this quote: ""Connection is the energy that is created between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment."" ~Brene Brown " +Does counseling really do anything that can help people?, Counseling provides a safe environment for people to explore the beliefs about the challenges in life. The various types(modalities/techniques) of counseling serve as guides for specific individual's personal journeys. +Does counseling really do anything that can help people?," Hi!  Great question.  I believe counseling does help people! Of course, I am a therapist, so I would think that! :)  Seriously - I think therapy and counseling allow us to understand ourselves, our motivations and the things that bring us happiness and discontent.  Therapy can create opportunities to try new skills and enhance positive attributes that are already present in someone.  I like to think of therapy as an unbiased ""aerial view"" of our lives. Someone outside can often help us notice things we might otherwise miss. Hope this helps!  " +"Often times I find myself thinking scary thoughts and sometimes I even scare myself into thinking that something bad is going to happen to me. Once it starts, the thought continues going through my head and I can't get it out. How can I stop these thoughts?"," Such a great question! I'm so sorry you are struggling! You may be experiencing Intrusive thoughts.  These are thoughts that seem to come from no where and victimize us.  I can strongly recommend a book called ""When Panic Attacks"" by Dr. David Burns.  It helps you to identify the thoughts, and the help you create ways to counteract them!  There is another technique, called Thought Stopping. Thought Stopping can be as simple as saying ""Stop!"" loudly (if you are alone) or in your head, if you are in public.  It's a quick way to distract you from the distressing thought, and allow you to refocus.  I recommend using this technique, followed by some deep breathing, while visualizing something that helps you feel relaxed (a favorite place, a pet, etc.).  These three things in conjunction can be of great assistance.  One key component in addressing anxious thinking is building the skill of relaxation.  I recommend an App called Headspace which teaches relaxation through some simple guided mediation. Super easy to do, and a great way to begin to build relaxation skills.   Plenty of sleep and reducing caffeine intake can also be things to explore. Hope this helps!   " +Does counseling really do anything that can help people?," Counseling definitely helps people!  I have seen so many positive changes from those willing to engage in the counseling process.  Having a safe place to openly share concerns with an objective listener really is therapeutic and can make a huge difference in your life.    Many times people don't feel heard or validated by people in their lives, counseling call help validate your feelings and help you become more self-aware.  You can learn new skills to better manage your life as well.  I find the people who get the most out of it are the ones most willing to make changes. " +"I love my girlfriend so much. I get an erection even just thinking about her or seeing her. But the two times we tried to have intercourse I couldn't get an erection. We've only had intercourse once and it was a long time ago. + +Why this is happening and what can I do about it?"," intercourseual desire seems to be straightforward - I like someone and I become aroused at the thoughts of being intimate with them - but that idea does not always take into account other factors.  Stress can have a huge effect on our body and how it performs.  When we are overstressed, for example, we often find ourselves ill at the same time.  Can you think of any part of your world that may be causing you some additional stress? Additionally, focusing on your erection may also be increasing the level of stress you feel about being intimate, which could also effect your ability to get and maintain an erection.  While this may seem counter intuitive, it makes sense in the word of stress! Finally, it's never a bad idea to follow up with your doctor, as well. You did not mention your age or intercourseual history outside of this relationship, but it is always a good idea to check in with medical staff to make sure there is nothing physically responsible for changes in our body, as well.  " +Every winter I find myself getting sad because of the weather. How can I fight this?," Seasonal Affective Disorder (S.A.D.) is a term that reflects how many people are affected by the changing seasons, especially fall to winter.  Everyone suffers with some form of this (lessened activity levels, increased isolation, etc.) while some find that this time of year can put them into a deeper depression. If you have noticed that this happens frequently, there are some ways you can definitely help yourself going forward: 1. Attend therapy to learn strategies and tools to help you to manage your mood.  It's important to stay within the therapy until you feel you have mastered these tools.  2. Push yourself to interact more with your social groups and other positive activities. It's easy to go out and spend the day outside in the summer months, when the temperature is warm and the sun shines for long periods of the day, but it seems harder to find fun ways to spend your time when the temperature drops and darkness comes on so quickly.  Perhaps winter time could become the time of year where you and your friends have weekly board game nights, complete with hot chocolate and a fire? 3. You may want to consider the purchase of a S.A.D. Light.  These are lights that expose you to additional ultra violet light to increase the vitamin D in our bodies, as well as the release of growth hormone (which releases when we wake up). There are mixed reviews of these products, however, and they can be expensive.  " +"My depression has been reoccurring for a long time. It all started when I was being bullied in high school. In ninth grade, my principal told me I needed to stay home for a couple days to protect myself while she spoke to my classmates. I needed professional help for my stress because I was having crying spells from the stress of going to school and confronting my classmates. After that, I was fine for a couple of years. I entered my first year of college in a really tough program with high demands of expected work. I believe my depression re-booted from there with the stress. I began to cut myself because a friend of mine at the time told me how she used to do the same and it used to feel good for her. Obviously, that wasn't the right choice. I regret ever doing that, seeing as even though I'm not self-harming anymore, I always look back at that time whenever I feel very stressed. I have a big problem with handling problems in life. Whenever a problem arises, I get stressed and I feel hopeless, as if it's not going to get better. I get way too stressed from my problems, which leads to overreacting a lot (especially when talking to others), which then leads to depression. I have a hard time coping with stress because I know that if I could handle it easily then I wouldn't be sad all the time, and I would say and do the right thing instead of overreacting to my loved ones."," I couldn't help but notice that you did not specify your age, so I am unable to set the total chronological order and length that you have suffered in this way, but I want to start by commending you on seeking out additional coping techniques on your own.  Unfortunately, it sounds like you were offered some that were more dangerous than helpful, but be proud that you were able to curb those before they caused too much harm.  From what you have written, stress has always been a difficult thing for you to manage.  Often, when I am working with those who offer the same concern, there is a degree of people pleasing that comes with that stress.  When we are trying to make others happy, especially when we are unable to distinguish the proper ""rules for success"", it can make even the simplest of tasks overwhelming.  Stress management is just that, management; of our own anxieties about the needs of others, about our skills and the ability to complete a task and having multiple requests at any given time. Each of these aspects requires a separate sets of ""tools"" to manage them accordingly. For example, assertiveness communication training could aid in communicating with your colleagues to manage their expectations of your deadlines and abilities, but it will not assist you with managing your own anxieties. Try to separate the different areas of the problem, in order to help yourself to find a solution and work on them in their own time.  Perhaps keeping a journal will help you to better understand why you are so easily overwhelmed by stress and help you track some of your less-helpful responses to stress. For example, does a certain person's style of communication always make you feel undervalued and therefore push you to finish their requests first? Is there a certain time of the day where you start to fall off in productivity?  Is that the time fo the day where you also tend to pile up your requirements? Try to ask yourself some of these harder questions and see where they lead you. " +Every winter I find myself getting sad because of the weather. How can I fight this?, Light therapy is very helpful. You are not alone. The name for the condition is Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). You might want to see a therapist to assist you putting in place a behavioral program to help change the way you feel. +Does counseling really do anything that can help people?," Yes, counseling helps a lot of people, especially when there is a good rapport between the counselor and their client. Knowing your counselor is someone who is really on your side and wants to see you grow past your difficulties into a healthy, happy, successful life is more important than what kind of counseling method they use. If you are looking for a counselor, take your time and be sure you feel heard and respected as well as challenged to grow. " +Every winter I find myself getting sad because of the weather. How can I fight this?, +Does counseling really do anything that can help people?, +Every winter I find myself getting sad because of the weather. How can I fight this?," Thank you for sharing. It seems like since the ""winter blues"" happens to you every year it may also be impacting your quality of life and possibly relationships. What you report sounds like you may be experiencing Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) and is quite common to many from about fall thru winter seasons; but, also can impact folks during the Spring and summer months. The best care and treatment for SAD includes discussing it with your PCP (primary care physician), integrating light therapy (full-spectrum lighting) throughout home and workplace (where possible), psychotherapy, and possibly medications (e.g. Wellbutrin XL, Aplenzin). Be sure to exercise good self-care and checkout the Mayo Clinic's website for SAD here: http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/seasonal-affective-disorder/basics/definition/con-20021047.   " +"I love my girlfriend so much. I get an erection even just thinking about her or seeing her. But the two times we tried to have intercourse I couldn't get an erection. We've only had intercourse once and it was a long time ago. + +Why this is happening and what can I do about it?"," First off, I want to acknowledge the emotional pain you must be experiencing about not being able to experience an erection -- you're not alone. And, it took a lot of courage for you to post your query here. Below you will find excellent advice from skilled clinicians regarding your question and concern. If you haven't done so already I'd encourage you to checkout the Mayo Clinic's website on this very topic (http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/seasonal-affective-disorder/basics/definition/con-20021047). Once you've ruled out any medical-organic issues with either your PCP or Urologist I recommend you work with a Certified intercourse Addiction Therapist (CSAT) and/or Certified intercourse Therapist (CST) and do some psychotherapy around attachment/family-of-origin, intimacy, self-image, trauma history, intercourse history, pornography, etc. ). There is hope. " +Every winter I find myself getting sad because of the weather. How can I fight this?," There can be lots of different factors contributing to this. Here are some possible tips: " +Does counseling really do anything that can help people?," A lot of things affect how helpful counseling is for each person, including at least these things, but often many others: Some people also ask how counseling is different from friendship. There is a similarity in the sense that hopefully both counselors and friends will listen to what you are experiencing, but that is really the end of the similarities. Some differences are: In general, I would say the following: " +"My brother has been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and has not been taking his medication. He's been using methamphetamine and alcohol and was found sleeping naked in my step mom driveway in 12 degree weather. + +I was adopted in by his dad (who just passed) and his mother will not Get involved because she's afraid of financial responsibility. + +Do I have the rights to be able to sign my brother into mentalhealth facility?"," Thanks for asking this question. I know it can be really difficult to deal with issues like this. To answer your question, you might be able to get you brother some mental health help, even if he doesn't recognize that he needs it. In most states, an individual can request a mental health evaluation of a family member if that family member poses a danger to themselves or someone else, or if they are unable to take care of their own basic needs. You can always call 911 if you are concerned about his immediate safety (for example if you find him sleeping outside in below freezing weather.  As an alternative to calling 911, you might also be able to request an evaluation from an authorized mental health provider.  The deatsils of who you would contact vary from state to state. Here's a link with some additional resources: http://www.treatmentadvocacycenter.org/someone-i-know-is-in-crisis He's lucky to have a brother who cares for his wellbeing as much as you do. " +"My brother has been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and has not been taking his medication. He's been using methamphetamine and alcohol and was found sleeping naked in my step mom driveway in 12 degree weather. + +I was adopted in by his dad (who just passed) and his mother will not Get involved because she's afraid of financial responsibility. + +Do I have the rights to be able to sign my brother into mentalhealth facility?"," I'm sorry to hear that your brother has been having such a rough time. He's lucky to have you on his side (although he may not always see it that way). As far as whether you can sign him in, that depends on a lot of different things. I would suggest that you Google the state and county that you live in as well as some phrase similar to ""crisis hotline."" They can tell you how it works in that county. My guess is that you could sign him in as long as he met the criteria for admission at that moment, but I can't  be entirely sure.  You could also ask the person on the phone about financial responsibility. I have not heard of that being a problem, but I guess it would depend on insurance. If you have trouble finding a local  hotline, consider calling the national crisis number (800-273-8255) and ask them to help you find someone local. " +I'm 15 and my girlfriend is 14. Am I a pedophile because I'm attracted to her and she's under 18?," You are not a pedophile. You are both under 18 and your age is appropriate for a relationship. There would be a possible problem if she was 10 or younger.  Pedophelia, is a whole other problem that you probably should not be worried about. I would be happy to talk with you in more detail about this. " +"I'm a Christian teenage girl, and I have lost my virginity. My boyfriend is a Christian teenager too, but things just got out of hand between us in a intercourseual manner. I planned to abstain from intercourse but I guess I wasn't clear about this because I was also tempted and led him on. We continued to have intercourse. Does it mean that he isn't the one God planned for me? We're so young, but that doesn't stop me from dreaming of a potential future together. I really do feel like he is in my life for an important reason. I'm incredibly happy for I was able to escape from several abusive relationships because of him. I love him very much."," Having intercourse with your boyfriend is and was a mistake. Mistakes can be forgiven and you can make amends. But it is not the end of your relationship or God's will for you. Have a serious talk with your guy and get back on track with where you want to be. Talk to a counselor or your priest/pastor. Get someone to be your guide and mentor. Check in with them regularly. Getting back to square one could actually strengthen your relationship. Have a plan for the future where you will not be put into a place of temptation. Group dates, public places and no alone time where temptations might arise. Forgive yourself and move on. " +Does counseling really do anything that can help people?, Counseling can go a long way in improving your mental health.  Counseling helps you to get new perspective on your life and problems. Talking about your problems with a counselor gives them substances and something to get a handle on. Talking about your problems gives you a chance look at your situation from a new angle to help solve your problems. The counselor is a neutral listener that can help give direction and answers to your needs. Counseling can help you solve your problems but also can set up a plan for the future. Counseling can help you to deal with things before they get out of hand. Give counseling a try. +Does counseling really do anything that can help people?," Counseling allows us to have a sacred space, a space that is set apart from the outside world, it is a space of non-judgement and exploration. Being that the universe is not made for us and that the the world tends to be a fairly untamed place at times, this sacred space allows us to explore ourselves. It allows for greater reflection upon our attitudes, our behaviors and our feelings. Imagine if you will a small goldfish swimming around the usual fish tank, although I dont attest to know what a goldfish thinks, I would imagine he does not see the world outside of him, he only sees the small fishbowl, oblivious to the outside world, when one comes into the counseling room, one is trying to gain insight that was not previously there. Remember the observer affect, one cannot truly act objectively with the world, we are in a dynamic relationship with life, it reacts to us and we to it, the time in the counseling room allows us to gain an understanding that is beyond the normal limits, allowing us to see what was before hidden, often times in plain sight. " +"Every time I send a message to someone or a group message on Instagram, iMessage, or snapchat people will read my messages but then they won't answer me. + +Could it be that there is something they don't like about me? I don't understand why they won't answer my messages. How do I get people to respond to me?"," I'm sorry that you are having a difficult time. I wonder about how your friendships are in person. If you get along well with people and have effective conversations with them face-to-face, there could be some kind of technology-related problem. Have you tried gently talking to people about how you send a message and they didn't answer? If you can phrase it in such a way that they recognize that you are asking for information and not blaming them for not answering you, that could be effective. I'd also encourage you to consider how much this is bothering you. If it is causing a significant amount of anxiety (say, more than 5/10 if 10 is really anxious), I would suggest talking with a local therapist. In the meantime, consider talking about this with someone you trust to whom you can get more details to get a more specific answer. " +"My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore."," It is understandable that it's very hard for you to hear daily complaints from your mother regarding the caregiving of your niece. You cannot change your mother's feelings and responsibilities, which could create feelings of frustration and helplessness. It must be equally hard for your mother to assume full responsibility for your niece at a time where your sister cannot take care of her. This type of responsibility usually produces an enormous amount of stress and pressure because your mother and niece would both need to adapt to this new relationship, living situation, and the feeling of being ""abandoned.""  Not knowing the history of your relationship with your mother and how you respond to each other in times of need, it may be difficult to fight the right recommendation on how to deal with this situation. Nonetheless, it is not easy to have to face daily complaints and you may have to set a healthy balance between empathy and boundary setting with your mother and some personal boundaries for yourself.  It is likely that your mother's ""complaints"" may be her desperate cry for help because she does not know how to cope with stress or how to ask for the right kind of support. In this case, you could calmly and respectfully tell her the next time you hear her complain, ""This must be very difficult for you because I hear the stress in your voice almost everyday. It's very hard for me to hear you feeling so overwhelmed. I feel helpless in this situation and would like to suggest that it might be helpful for you to seek some professional help and support to deal with such a big matter of importance."" When empathy and understanding is communicated, recipients are usually more open because they hear and feel the caring behind it and are more likely to seek additional help. After sharing this message of empathy and encouragement to seek help, the next step is to protect yourself by explaining to your mother where your limits are so that she understands what she can expect from you. This means that you can decide the kind of support or help you are willing to give your mother and/or niece that is within your ability to provide without feeling overwhelmed. This could involve inviting them to dinner occasionally, taking them out to see a movie or inviting your niece over to give your mother respite. You could then say to her if she complains again, ""I cannot change the way you feel in this situation and I encourage you to seek professional advice about that but what I could do is .........(explain what you could do to help)."" www.PsychologyResource.ca " +"I've never been able to talk with my parents. My parents are in their sixties while I am a teenager. I love both of them but not their personalities. I feel that they do not take me seriously whenever I talk about a serious event in my life. If my dad doesn't believe me, then my mom goes along with my dad and acts like she doesn't believe me either. I'm a panintercourseual, but I can't trust my own parents. +I've fought depression and won; however, stress and anxiety are killing me. I feel that my friends don't listen to me. I know they have their own problems, which I do my best to help with. But they don't always try to help me with mine, when I really need them. I feel as if my childhood has been taken from me. I feel as if I have no one whom I can trust."," Teenage years are rough for anyone, and this is a time for self-discovery and experimentation. Having older parents can certainly pose challenges. Most kids feel like their parents don't understand them, but yours are older than the average parents of teenagers. They're from a completely different generation than you are. It sounds like they love you, but may not understand you. The problem here is the generation/age gap, and there's not a whole lot you can do about that. What you can do is accept the situation and perhaps look at it a little differently. It seems like you're looking for affirmation from them, looking for their approval and understanding. It's never a good idea to look to others to define who you are or to get a self-esteem boost. Who you are and how you feel about yourself needs to come from inside, not from outside. One way you can have a better relationship with your parents is to stop looking at all the things you aren't getting from them that you want, and rather look at all the things you are getting from them. Yes, this is a glass half full or half empty point of view, but it works. The negative will overshadow the positive if you let it. Start looking for the good things in your relationship with your parents and your feelings towards them will become more positive. I'm not sure how your friends/peers made you feel like your childhood has been taken from you. That's a curious statement, and requires a deeper conversation to understand where that came from. However, I do understand feeling different and out of place, especially in high school. Find the strength within yourself rather than looking to others in your life to make you feel better or feel like a complete person. It helps to have friends and loved ones, but you can never rely on them to fulfill all of your needs. Set some goals for your future, work towards them. Focus on being the best YOU that you can be, and the right people will enter your life at the right time.  " +"I know that I need to get past my feelings for this person I fell in love with, but t's so difficult to move on because he showed me feelings I've never felt before. + +I feel like I don't want to be without my genuine love for him, but logically, I know I need to be without him. I can't discuss this with anybody in my life because the conditions surrounding our love are considered ""wrong"" by a lot of people. + +How can I get myself to just move on?"," It's difficult to move on and let go, especially when you've experienced things for the first time with someone, or feelings you've never felt before, as you said. I like the fact that you are looking at your situation ""logically"".  Feelings can take time to fade, but you seem to understand, even if it is subconsciously, that it's the feelings he stirred up in you that are keeping you tied to him, not necessarily the person himself. Realize that you can and will experience those feelings again with another person - the RIGHT person. Don't hold onto someone who is wrong for you just because of something like this. You're wanting those feelings and wanting a relationship - but with him necessarily? Or with anybody? You said you don't want to be without your love for him - not you don't want to be without him. In fact, you said you know you need to be without him. It seems like it's the LOVE that you can't let go of, and the feelings. Not the person. Trust me, you will find that again. Take some time to let this fade. Don't try to force him or anyone else into a role that is meant for someone else. Cherish the memories and the experiences you had. Sounds like it's been a valuable learning and growth experience for you, but you have your own reasons, and I don't know what they are, for thinking this person isn't good for you. Trust your gut instinct and be glad you've had this relationship. Not all are meant to last. But all shape you into the person you are and will become, and all teach us important lessons. " +"My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore."," Buy the book ""Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin."" Read it. Apply it. Seriously, I'm not joking. You're not wrong to ""not want to hear it anymore"" but if you don't maintain healthy boundaries, you will allow your family to make you feel guilty for ""not wanting to hear it anymore"". That's not fair to you. Give a copy to your mom, too. No, I didn't write the book nor do I have any affiliation with it - I simply recommend it because it's a wonderful book and it helped me out a lot. I recommend it to a lot of people. It should be required reading! " +"I don't remember when the voices in my head started, but I remember Hearing them when I was little. + +I know it's not normal to hear voices that aren't your own. I fight the voices and I want them to stop. They've been here so long and I want them gone. How can I make the voices stop?"," This isn't something you can do on your own.  If you haven't already, you need to see a medical doctor ASAP to rule out medical causes for this. Many diseases, illnesses, and conditions can cause hallucinations. In the elderly, sometimes it's something as simple as a urinary tract infection. Some medicines may have that side effect as well. However, you say you've been hearing them since you were little. I have no idea how old you are now, but something that has been going on for many years does lead me to think it could be a type of schizophrenia. A psychiatrist could diagnose that after taking a complete look at your history, medical history, etc. There are medications that they can put you on that will help.  One thing that I find encouraging is that you recognize you're hearing voices. This means you are not so far into a delusion as to believe it is real. A lot of people that hear or see things that aren't there are not able to have the awareness that these things are not real. They fully believe what they're hearing/seeing. It's completely real to them. Because you have the awareness that you do, I feel this is a very good sign that with treatment you can live a normal life (assuming you are not already receiving treatment for it. If you are and are still hearing the voices, please know that medications often need to be changed and adjusted, and the voices may never completely go away but medicines certainly help dull them a lot. Always talk to your doctor when it seems your symptoms are getting worse so that they can make the necessary medication adjustments for you). If at any time the voices are telling you to do something, please go to an ER as this is an emergency. Sometimes people hear voices telling them to harm themselves, harm someone else, or do other things that are against the law. Do not try to deal with something like that on your own. There are people who can help. " +"There is just no communication at all between us. She sleeps constantly all day (not at night). She acts angry and unfocused and stays in her very messy room all the time. The only time she comes out is to eat. + +She has aches and fatigue, weight gain, hair loss and skin problems. She does not look after her health. + +I don't know how to communicate with her. She is not open to any suggestions. How do I get through to her?"," 1. She's an adult. 2. She lives in your house? She follows your rules. 3. What you're describing could be any number of things, but could potentially be a medical issue that needs attention. Thyroid issues, autoimmune diseases - there's a ton of medical possibilities for her symptoms. I'm not a doctor; this is a forum of therapists. 4. I recommend the book ""Codependent No More"" which may help you navigate your rocky relationship with your adult daughter. You may be inadvertently making things worse by ""helping"" her which can instead enable her to continue her behaviors. Another book you may find helpful is ""Boundaries: Where you end and I begin"". You cannot control another person, especially an adult. The only person you can control is yourself. Tough love is sometimes needed, and she is an adult - treat her like one. Maybe then she'll act like one. If we were having this conversation in person, you would interrupt me at this point with a ""but..."" and then explain all the reasons why you can't tell her to move out, get a job, get up and cook or clean the house, etc. I already know that you have a myriad of excuses for things being the way they are. Yes, I said excuses instead of reasons, because that's what they are. You may feel stuck and like you have to take care of her, but you have choices - you just may not like them. I know that when children are small, parents' lives are focused around them (some more than others) and decisions are made around what is best for your child. But you said your daughter is an adult. The relationship dynamics must change if the relationship is to be a healthy one. I know how difficult it is to watch your child make life choices that you wouldn't want for them, no matter what that choice may be. As a parent, we want to force them to do what we think is ""the right thing"" but trying to do that only results in frustrations for everyone involved. Whether the issue is a hair color, a tattoo, a lifestyle choice, a job, or choosing not to work or take care of their health, or doing drugs, or drinking - the choice is theirs and theirs alone and so are the consequences of those choices.  " +"My brother has been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and has not been taking his medication. He's been using methamphetamine and alcohol and was found sleeping naked in my step mom driveway in 12 degree weather. + +I was adopted in by his dad (who just passed) and his mother will not Get involved because she's afraid of financial responsibility. + +Do I have the rights to be able to sign my brother into mentalhealth facility?"," Family members sometimes get Power of Attorney over vulnerable adults. If you had this, you could do something like that. I'm assuming that you don't, though. There are steps family members can take through the court system to get someone involuntarily committed, but it is a long process.  I deal with situations like this everyday on the job. The only time an adult can be committed against their will is if they are deemed by the doctor (such as at an emergency room) to be a threat to self or others. For instance, if he had suicidal thoughts and a plan to carry out the action, or if he had homicidal thoughts against someone else and a plan to carry it out, he could be placed on a short hold, but these holds only last for a few days. This still isn't a long-term solution.  An adult has the right to refuse treatment and the right to make their own choices, no matter how bad those choices are. If you have a way to get him to an ER whenever things like that happen, such as being found sleeping outside in 12 degree weather, it will help a lot. They may or may not do a short term commitment for treatment based on the situation that brings him to the ER, but it's a start. They can help set him up with appointments for psych and he can get on medications. You can help by taking him to appointments and making sure his medications get filled. However, you can't force him to take the meds, so this may be something that happens a lot. With enough of a paper trail of many ER visits and that sort of thing, you'll stand a better chance of getting a court appointed psych ward stay.  Some tips about ER visits: Don't send him alone. Always go with him or have someone go with him, because you will be able to give the treatment team better insight into what's going on than he will. He may say everything's fine and he wants to leave, so they won't have any reason to keep him if that is the case. Go with him.  If you do get Power of Attorney, take the paperwork with you when you go to the ER and to doctor's appointments because they aren't just going to take your word. They need to see the actual paperwork. Having it on file in their system isn't good enough because paperwork expires, etc. Take it with you at all times. You can also compile his medical records and that sort of thing to take with you so they can see a full history of what's going on. Keep in mind that if you do get Power of Attorney, this makes you his guardian and you have to take care of him. Otherwise, you can get reported for vulnerable adult abuse and neglect. In fact, your mom ignoring and not helping may already put her at risk of that because she is willingly doing nothing to help someone who clearly needs the help. She won't be financially responsible for the hospital or doctor bills, but should be held responsible for his safety. Someone should. There are group homes for people with schizophrenia. "" Being responsible"" for someone doesn't mean you have to pay their bills, it just means you are going to make sure they get the care they need. That care may be placement in a long-term care facility like a group home or a nursing home. Psych inpatient hospitals aren't long-term, so you do need to look into other long-term options. Psych inpatient stays are temporary and are to stabilize him, they're not where someone stays forever. Good luck, and keep up the good attitude! Work with his treatment team. Ask for a social worker. If they see family that is wanting to do the right thing and wanting to help, they'll help you even if it does take a while to get things sorted out. The worst thing any of you can do is NOT go to appointments and that sort of thing.  " +I'm 15 and my girlfriend is 14. Am I a pedophile because I'm attracted to her and she's under 18?," No, that's perfectly normal. You're under 18, too. You're only a year older than she is. This is absolutely normal. What would be wrong is if you did anything to her against her will. Always remember that NO means NO, respect her, respect yourself, and be a normal teenager! Have a healthy relationship. Holding hands, kissing, and more should only be done when both are comfortable with it and agree to it. Although it is frowned upon by a lot of people, it's no secret that teenagers do have intercourse (even if their parents and perhaps religion would definitely not want them to do it). Only you can make the choice that is right for you. Just be responsible in the choices you make. Some states have laws on what age is old enough for consensual intercourse. You'd be surprised how young those ages are. A 14 year old having intercourse with a 20 year old would be against the law, but someone the same age as her, or just one year older is not. ""Wrong"" can be defined in a lot of different ways, though. Is it against the law? No. Is it against your religion? I can't answer that for you.  You can, however, have a relationship that is not physical in any way. It's okay to just be with her and enjoy her company. You can hang out, watch movies together, go on dates, do whatever it is that both of you enjoy doing. Your relationship can be anything you want it to be.  " +"I've never been able to talk with my parents. My parents are in their sixties while I am a teenager. I love both of them but not their personalities. I feel that they do not take me seriously whenever I talk about a serious event in my life. If my dad doesn't believe me, then my mom goes along with my dad and acts like she doesn't believe me either. I'm a panintercourseual, but I can't trust my own parents. +I've fought depression and won; however, stress and anxiety are killing me. I feel that my friends don't listen to me. I know they have their own problems, which I do my best to help with. But they don't always try to help me with mine, when I really need them. I feel as if my childhood has been taken from me. I feel as if I have no one whom I can trust."," First, thank you for sharing such deep personal information. It can be difficult to share such intimate information. To begin, it sounds likes your primary concern your desire to speak to someone who takes your mental health seriously. You've tried talking to your parents and your friends and neither have made that connection in the area you need. I'm sorry to hear that. it's unfortunate. However, I think a couple things can be done to try to address this.  If you want support 1) Parents- Sit down with one of them and tell them with all seriousness that you need to talk about something that is affecting you deeply. Perhaps speaking to both can be too much for one room. If you try to speak to mom or dad by themselves, it may create that intimate atmosphere needed to understand where you are coming from.  2) Friends: Like parents it can be difficult to speak to your friends about challenges with your mental health. When you're feeling down and anxious, friends can be great help or not their at all. With friends, it may be one of those things where you also need to create an intimate environment with one friend to speak to about your sadness and anxiety. If anything, speak to the fact you're hurt and help them understand that if they can't understand the depression If you don't want support  Coping Strategies: Identify coping skills and strategy that help you when you're feeling down.  Ideas: A.) Journaling B) Painting C) Exercise D) Music E) Reading Affirmation F) Listening To Motivation Videos " +"My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore.", I just want to understand before I answer. Who exactly is complaining? +"I have been married for 11 years. Within the past 2 years we have drifted far apart. We coexist together but there is very little personal interest in each other. I often feel that my husband has ""friends"" at work that he is more emotional invested in than me. I feel very alone and just uncared for. Is there anything I can do to feel reconnected?", Absolutely. Your question shows that you are going through a lot of pain and I'm sorry for that. Many couples go through this disconnect and hope to come to reconnect before things get to a breaking point. What I think can help is the following:  1.) Understand what his primary concern is 2.) Understand what your primary concern is 3.) What would you like to see different? 4.) What would he like to see different?  5.) Be honest about your concern with him having friends (Be ready for honesty) 6.) Help him understand you feel alone without him feeling guilty. 7.) Let him know how committed you are to making this relationship despite the two of you drifting apart. 8.) Sometimes if you just acknowledge the elephant in the room. 9.) Couples/Marriage Therapy +"Every time I send a message to someone or a group message on Instagram, iMessage, or snapchat people will read my messages but then they won't answer me. + +Could it be that there is something they don't like about me? I don't understand why they won't answer my messages. How do I get people to respond to me?"," Sorry to hear your friends aren't responding to you. If these friends are in-person as well as online, perhaps going to them in person and asking talking to them about your concern. Perhaps it's the way you send messages or the way they are receiving them. if they say no, then a simple request to respond to your messages. Measure the result and notice if there are even small differences.  Also understand, why this is so important to you. Ask yourself, why it's so important for you to receive these messages from friends. What does it mean when they don't respond.  " +I'm 15 and my girlfriend is 14. Am I a pedophile because I'm attracted to her and she's under 18?," No. You are not a pedophile. You are both under the appropriate age where it would be seen so. Your both only a year a part so this shouldn't a worry to you. Like Frank said below, Pedophelia is a problem that won't apply to this situation.  " +"I know that I need to get past my feelings for this person I fell in love with, but t's so difficult to move on because he showed me feelings I've never felt before. + +I feel like I don't want to be without my genuine love for him, but logically, I know I need to be without him. I can't discuss this with anybody in my life because the conditions surrounding our love are considered ""wrong"" by a lot of people. + +How can I get myself to just move on?"," One of the most challenging areas for people to deal with is getting over the the person you have loved so much. It's a catch 22. You know mentally that it's not healthy to think about them. However, your feelings are still there. Moving on is tough. It takes time for feeling to go away. That's the thing, it's not the person you're trying to get over, it's the feeling and the idea of them that is that makes it difficult. You've learned a lot from the relationship and time will help.  Activity will also help. Are you actively living your life? If not, go out and maybe it's time to date and find new love. Grow with new relationships and it will help create focus on someone who may even be better than the love you previously experienced. You can do it! Earl Lewis www.RelationshipsGoneRight.Com  " +"Cheating is something unacceptable for me but because we have two daughters I decided not to break up the family. +However, now I am struggling to forget and forgive what happened. I feel like I cannot trust him. Without trust, I cannot stay in this relationship. On the other hand, I do not want my children to get hurt. I'm not sure how to move forward?"," To begin, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Like many of the professionals have stated, infidelity is a very difficult obstacle to move forward from. It's not impossible. While forgetting is probably the hardest part, forgiveness is something that can and will happen. There are things you can do to help yourself.  The first this is identifying what you feel is best for yourself and your children. That means being honest with how you feel being in this relationship on a daily basis and understanding how it's affecting you.  Second, how is your relationship affecting the children. Do you feel that by staying in the relationship that it's affecting your daily interaction with them. If so, that' something to keep in mind.  Next, Really looking at the pros and cons of staying in the relationship. A specific breakdown of what benefits come with staying and what are the ramifications. Vice-versa for leaving. Include your partner. I think being honest with him and letting him know what you are thinking is could be a great option. At least you aren't keeping something inside yourself to manage. Rather, you are being transparent to them. Sometimes a couple can come to an agreement that it may be time to end things and other times it may be best to keep moving forward with a serious plan to how to move forward. Regardless, if you can't trust him and that feeling will never go away it's time to address it. Couple therapy can be beneficial as well as a therapist can provide professional counseling to you.  Earl Lewis www.RelationshipsGoneRight.com " +"My fiancé and I have been together for 3 years and our relationship has always been good. The only issue we had was that he felt like he wasn't getting enough intercourseual attention from me. + +I recently found out he cheated on me with another women. He says he wants his family back but I'm confused on what to do. Is it possible for us to get past the cheating, or should I just move on?"," Hello. Thank you for your question. Many couples that experience infidelity in their relationship face this important question - ""is it possible for us to get past the cheating, or should I just move on?""  Deciding to stay or leave is such a personal decision, one that only you can make. When an affair is disclosed or found out, it can have a traumatic impact on the betrayed partner. The betrayed partner might be overwhelmed by intrusive thoughts - Wanting answers to specific questions - Wanting details. And the partner that had the affair might be feeling overwhelm around ""Will their partner ever forgive them?"" ""Will they trust them again?"" ""How long will it take to regain their trust again?""  While it is possible for couples to get past the cheating, it does take a commitment from each partner to do the work needed. Because of the complexities cheating has on the bond couples have with each other, I would recommend seeing a couple therapist that specializes in working with the issue of infidelity. When infidelity happens, there are usually a number of secrets that accompany it, and this can be incredibly difficult for couples to work through on their own.    " +"My fiancé and I have been together for 3 years and our relationship has always been good. The only issue we had was that he felt like he wasn't getting enough intercourseual attention from me. + +I recently found out he cheated on me with another women. He says he wants his family back but I'm confused on what to do. Is it possible for us to get past the cheating, or should I just move on?"," Finding out about an affair is quite an emotional experience. It's usually jarring. I encourage you to give yourself some compassion about emotions that you have. You asked whether it is possible to get past the cheating and the answer is that it can be. It depends on many factors. I would recommend that you see a therapist who specializes in working with couples. There are certain ways that both of you could learn more about yourselves and each other that may actually serve to make your relationship stronger. Sometimes there are motivations for having an affair that can be discussed in therapy in a way that you become more aware of what each other is experiencing and where you want to go from here. It could be that learning to communicate differently would be helpful. Regarding whether you should ""just move on,"" I recommend talking about with a therapist as well. At the very least, you can discuss more about what you are thinking and feeling and what your choices are as far as where you want to go from here. " +What makes a healthy marriage last?,"A resource I think is helpful to learn more about ""what makes a good marriage"" and steps toward doing so is Dr. John Gottman's book: ""Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.""  Dr. Gottman is a leader in this field and has done extensive studies with couples to determine what behaviors are key in making a marriage work and what behaviors could predict divorce. I think this book might be a good start if you're wanting to learn more about how to have a long lasting relationship.  " +"I've never been able to talk with my parents. My parents are in their sixties while I am a teenager. I love both of them but not their personalities. I feel that they do not take me seriously whenever I talk about a serious event in my life. If my dad doesn't believe me, then my mom goes along with my dad and acts like she doesn't believe me either. I'm a panintercourseual, but I can't trust my own parents. +I've fought depression and won; however, stress and anxiety are killing me. I feel that my friends don't listen to me. I know they have their own problems, which I do my best to help with. But they don't always try to help me with mine, when I really need them. I feel as if my childhood has been taken from me. I feel as if I have no one whom I can trust."," One of the most difficult challenges we face is not being heard! It is incredibly frustrating and hurtful when others, especially parents, do not listen. While your parents surely love you and want to understand you, it may be difficult for them to fully understand your feelings and experiences. They are quite a bit older and have likely not dealt with some of the struggles that you face. I would suggest communicating your feelings to them about not being heard. Talk to them during a non-emotional moment when the discussion is not already heated. In other words, do not wait until an argument ensues to have an open discussion with them about how you are feeling. Prepare them by asking them what time is good for them to talk. Let them know you have something important to get off your chest. Try and avoid using exaggerated or extreme language such as ""you NEVER listen,"" ""you ALWAYS say..."" and stray away from placing blame. Instead of beginning your statements with ""you"" try using ""I"" by letting them know how their behavior effects you. Finally, let them know that they are important to you and that having their trust and support would mean a lot to you. Perhaps giving them suggestions as to what you wish for and would like to see change would help them to better understand. I would also suggest that you seek guidance from a therapist, teacher, or school counselor if possible. Most schools have counseling resources on sight in which a trained professional is available to talk with students looking for help. Best of luck to you. " +"I know I need to deal with my depression. But I don't know how and I don't want to tell anyone. + +How can I deal with depression without telling anyone?"," Hello, It is completely understandable that you would not want people to know about your depression. I would first like commend you for realizing that you need to help with your depression by reaching out here. That is a great start, and you've taken the very first courageous step.  Depression can feel debilitating and overwhelming. Depression is also a very personal thing and no one has know but you and the therapist. The best way to begin learningand dealing is to pick up the phone and call a therapist or email a therapist and schedule a session.  The great news is that with professional help you can feel better and you will learn how deal with and manage the depression. There are many ways to help with depression that a therapist can teach you and help guide. You do not have do this alone. Asking for help and going to therapy is a strength! This can be done in a private and confidential setting. Depression should be treated by a therapist, in a safe, confidential office setting. The therapist can then discuss your depression with you in more detail to figure out the underlying cause, how long you've been feeling this way and identify what brings on these feelings.  There is hope and depression can be treated with great success, you CAN feel good again. Depression can be managed appropriately by seeing a licensed therapist. Often times therapy will offer relief because you would have someone there simply to listen to you, validate your feelings and listen to your story. The therapist will be able to offer professional insight and perspective on the situation and help you think outside the box.  The therapist can do many things with you, provide insight and offer many ideas to help you learn new coping skills and ideas of things you enjoy, encouraging you to re engage in hobbies you once enjoyed or even discover new things you may enjoy. There are creative ways to learn to cope too! Your therapist will also be there to support you, without judgement, at your pace, through the entire process. But the first step is finding a therapist and beginning to identify the cause your depression. Healing is possible and getting your happiness back is also possible.Feel free contact me for additional help or information Laura Cassity, LMSW, LMAC " +"I have several issues that I need to work through. However, I am afraid of and do not trust therapists after a horrible experience. I'm dealing with grief and guilt over losing my sons due to drug use. I have a very complicated traumatic relationship issue that is causing me severe anxiety and fear."," I am sorry that you had this experience. Therapy should be a healthy positive experience off g growth.  You have the right to look for certain high qualities in a therapist and finding the right one. Each therapist is bound by a code of ethics and clients should have high expectations. You are trusting them to guide, support and help you achieve the absolute best outcome and success.  You should never be or feel judged, and you should feel comfortable and feel as though your therapy process is moving along with YOUR GOALS IN MIND.  Speaking as a therapist, I encourage my clients to always let me know how they feel, even if they disagree with me, they also have the right to inform me if something I'm doing simply is not working for them, communication is critical in maintaining a healthy therapeutic alliance/ therapeutic relationship.  I'm able to offer ways of thinking and strategies to my clients they may not have thought of. Its important to listen to my clients. It's also critical for clients to feel they can share in a environment that feels safe, non judgmental and confidential. Remember, you are the driver in your healing process, you should be the one in control because you know what your life struggles are. Speaking as a therapist, I'm here to guide my clients toward achieving their goals, encouraging and empowering my clients in what is meaningful to them to achieve. You should feel comfortable speaking your thoughts, my advice would look one who open hearing toy feel, even it's regarding them a therapist. That they are open to feedback. With all of that being said, it will take time to trust again but remember, ask questions and communicate with the next therapist  share  your experience and how it made you feel and that trust and being spoken  in a respectful , non judgemental and non condnscending way is critical for you. Be honest clearly state your expectations from start.   I offer free 50 minute first sessions for clients. The reason. I do this is because I feel that clients deserve opportunity observe the environment, ask me questions and have the opportunity to determine their level of comfort and decide if it's a good fit. Other therapists sometimes offer the similar, try finding one willing to offer a  consultation as that could give you the opportunity to feel things out and set forth expectations. The article below is an excellent article about what to look for in a therapist. It is worth your time reading because you are WORTH FINDING THE BEST HELP AVAILABLE!  This article was written based on both evidence from research and clinical experience. I would strongly encourage anyone searching for help to read this and even use it as your guide. I hope this was helpful. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/insight-therapy/201603/10-ways-spot-good-therapist Laura Cassity, LMSW, LMAC " +"I don't remember when the voices in my head started, but I remember Hearing them when I was little. + +I know it's not normal to hear voices that aren't your own. I fight the voices and I want them to stop. They've been here so long and I want them gone. How can I make the voices stop?"," First, let me express my support and compassion for what you're going through. Hearing voices can be incredibly difficult and can feel like you can't get a moment's peace, even in the privacy of your own mind. And not everyone will necessarily understand what you're dealing with, so I imagine you may also be feeling isolated or somehow different. Atta girl/boy on reaching out for help!  Many people find benefit to taking medications, such as risperdal, seroquel, and so on. These should be prescribed by a nurse practitioner or psychiatrist -- I do not recommend a primary care doctor venture into this area, as a general rule. Discuss the options thoroughly and insist on a good rapport with your prescriber, if you decide to go this route.  Some people are having results with a talk-therapist to develop coping strategies. There is a new and somewhat less conventional approach to challenging voices with a professional to assist you, rather than to suppress the voices, which medication will do. There is peer-run organization and a general approach that attempts to live with voices in a different way.  You can read about it in Living With Voices by Marius Romme. I have heard interviews but have not read the book(s) and can't speak to its efficacy.  No matter what steps you decide to try, managing your stress, sleep, exercise, healthy food is essential -- in other words, just the daily care and feeding of yourself should be included in all of your efforts and bears surprising benefits to your brain and emotional health.  Best wishes to you, Karen Keys, LMHC, CASAC " +We're in an eight year relationship. My boyfriend drinks a lot. He experienced childhood trauma. I don't know how to deal with violent outbursts.," First, let me extend my compassion to both of you -- it sounds like you have a lot on your plates. Childhood trauma carries its negative effects into our adulthood and affects everyone who loves us.  Your question is brief, so I'll just try to give general answers as best I can. From my experiences treating many people with your boyfriend's experiences, the short, healthy answer is that you can't fix the situation and maybe not even be able to help. He needs a professional. Period.  What you can do, is take care of yourself. With his background, it is not likely that he will be able to help you or take care of you in a healthy way. Your task needs to prioritize your own safety and well-being. Trauma and substance abuse are the definition of being out of control, unable to set and manage appropriate boundaries, manage his own emotions and behaviors. So your boyfriend is unlikely to be able to change in the near-term, certainly not without professional help. You might also benefit from help and support, to understand your own role in your relationship and how you can make changes in your life. I am NOT blaming you for any aspect of your boyfriend's behavior, only acknowledging that there are two people in every relationship. If you have accepted your boyfriend's drinking and violent outbursts in the past (by staying in the relationship), that is likely to perpetuate his behavior. And there isn't any way to ""handle violent outbursts."" They shouldn't be handled at all, and if you have to be away from your boyfriend during his outbursts in order to be emotionally and physically safe, then that may be what you will have to do.  We can never really change anyone else. The only person we can change is ourselves. Sometimes our behavior changes the odds of another person's behaviors, but it doesn't control it. I would recommend that you work with a professional to first, ensure your own safety above all. Then make decisions about what behavior you are willing to accept or be connected to, and which you want to separate from. Whatever your boyfriend does in his life, you will be happier if you manage your own feelings, set boundaries, etc. Let me say again that you also would benefit from some good insight and support as you continue your journey.  Wishing you and your boyfriend healing and recovery.  " +"My brother has been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and has not been taking his medication. He's been using methamphetamine and alcohol and was found sleeping naked in my step mom driveway in 12 degree weather. + +I was adopted in by his dad (who just passed) and his mother will not Get involved because she's afraid of financial responsibility. + +Do I have the rights to be able to sign my brother into mentalhealth facility?"," Hello, My heart goes out to you, your brother, and your family, dealing with a very painful and difficult situation.  In New York, you can't institutionalize someone else directly. You can, however, call the police or EMS. If they agree that he would benefit from hospitalization (and it sounds like they would), he can be held in the hospital for up to 72 hours, whether he agrees or not. Some hospitals will not hold a person that long, in spite of what we might want. I have seen many patients in and out of hospitals countless times, and it has been my experience that it can be extremely difficult to hold a person long enough to achieve good stability and an appropriate after-care plan. Hospitals in NYC tend to take a ""patch and release"" approach more often than I would like.  It's been my experience that family makes a difference. Assertive, knowledgeable, persistent family can improve the quality of your loved one's care. Hospitals are highly pressured to discharge people quickly but they can not discharge a homeless person without someplace to go. If your family is willing to accept your brother, that will be the path of least resistance for the hospital. If the family refuses, they will be forced to find another path for him. You can also pressure the hospital to refer to rehab after psychiatrically stablized (which may only take a few days) and that may give your brother more time to begin making clear-headed decisions.  If your brother has a psychiatrist, that person should be actively involved. I had a patient patched-and-released three times, in spite of my advocacy and him literally begging to remain and stop his voices. We finally got a 90 day hospitalization because I strong-armed his psychiatrist into demanding that the hospital stabilize his patient.   If your brother has a history of non--compliance with oral medications, you can push the hospital for injection, which again will help your brother stay stable for longer.  Best wishes to you and your family.  " +"I am in my 30s with 2 kids and no job and I'm behind on the bills. I've been trying everything with no results. I feel like everyone else puts their needs in front on mine. I give intil it hurts and I'm afraid that I'm going to fail my babies + +I've been struggling for 5 yrs in a relationship with no communication and no alone time. How can I get some support?", I would want to know where do you put your needs? Often times we show people how to treat us based on how we treat ourselves. First identify how to practice good self care which can only happen when you are authentic and real about your needs and desires. You cannot pour from an empty cup and must take find the time to explore your purpose in life. It may be helpful to seek out additional support to work on your intrapersonal relationship.  +"My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore."," It is difficult to implement healthy boundaries when the person is a parent or family member. I would encourage you to identify how it makes you feel after talking with your mother. Work on establishing healthy boundaries where you do not feel obligated to engage the complaining daily. Maybe setting a time limit to talk with your mother and practicing how to be assertive and not disrespect or aggressive. Helping your mother understand how you feel using  ""I"" statements  i.e  ( I feel _____ when you call to talk about my sister). Maybe asking your mom how can you be supportive of her during this time other than listening to her vent. It may also be helpful for your mother to get connected with support groups to help her cope with this life change.  " +Every winter I find myself getting sad because of the weather. How can I fight this?," Seasonal depression can be difficult due to the weather being a primary trigger. Understanding that we have very little control over the weather, therefore we can focus on the things we can change. Exercising, meditation, guided imagery, and deep breathing can be beneficial to combat seasonal depression. It may help to join a support group and seek out therapy to assist you on this healing journey. " +I'm obsessing about a terrible breakup. Everything is a constant reminder. How do I move on?," The best way to move on is to give yourself sufficient time and space away from your ex so you can heal.  That means no checking out your ex on social media platforms and no contact.  In order to move on and diminish the obsessions, help yourself recognize and accept that the relationship is over, and make sure to get sufficient support in processing all your feelings.  Once that takes place, it can be useful to explore and process with a professional the meaning of the relationship and to understand your part in what transpired. Sometimes people obsess because they have difficulties accepting what's already taken place and want things to be different.  The key to moving forward is to be loving toward yourself, to give yourself permission to grieve the loss, and to start cultivating new and healthy habits/patterns.  Reengage in your present life, ask yourself what you want your life to look like, and start creating goals and taking small steps to create the amazing life you want for yourself.   " +"I've always thought that there wasn't much good out there for me. Now that things are actually going well, it kind of scares me. I spent most of my life feeling unwanted and figured I would be alone. I recently met a great woman who seems to really like me, and I don't know how to process this. It's bothering both of us."," Hi! Thank you for your question. It's tough to be in a healthy and loving relationship when we believe we are not worth it. Quite often being in such a relationship is very uncomfortable as it goes against everything we believe about ourselves.  First, I want to say you are very brave to open up yourself to the relationship with this wonderful woman you met.  Second, I would like to invite you to treat yourself with compassion as you are entering this unknown territory for yourself. Doing something new and totally unfamiliar can be scary, so it's vital that you are kind and gentle with yourself. Acknowledge that what you are doing is scary and uncomfortable and that it will take some time to get used to it.  Don't judge yourself and force yourself to feel a certain way. It's important that you are patient with yourself and tolerant of your discomfort. With time, space, kindness, and tolerance your discomfort and fear will start to dissolve. Invite your new partner to also relate to your feelings in the open and compassionate way.  The worst thing that you or your partner can do is to rush your feelings, pressure you to feel in a different way or to say that there is something wrong with you cause you feel a certain way. Please be gentle with yourself and celebrate and acknowledge every small victory. Every time you do something little, like holding hands or receive a compliment and it no longer scares you as it did a week ago - celebrate that progress!  " +"I have PTSD. The side effects are really bad and have impacts on intercourse, anger and my relationships. I even lost my job month ago. + +How can I get my life back?"," Hi there,  I hear you, PTSD has a very debilitating effect on your whole life. I know that from personal experience. Recovering from it is possible and doable!  First is step is to acknowledge to yourself that your PTSD symptoms are a normal reaction to an abnormal and traumatic event. The nightmares, the anxiety, the heightened startle response - are all typical human responses following exposure to a frightening event. It's important that you don't blame yourself or your body for reacting this way, rather approach yourself with compassion and kindness that you would extend a friend who is hurting.  The second step is to start taking steps towards healing. I would really encourage you to see a counselor or therapist specializing in trauma recovery so that you have a guided, step by step support. But if this is not an option, you can begin your healing on your own using a step-by-step approach outlined in the book, Healing Trauma, by Peter Levin. It's a very hands-on book and even comes with a CD audio guide. It has concrete exercises that you can do to help you eliminate dissociation, feel grounded, and decrease your anxiety response. I have used myself and with my clients with great success!  You can begin your recovery journey now with this video with Peter Levin's approach to Trauma Recovery: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nmJDkzDMllc One last thing, I suggest consulting with a nutritionist or a doctor to help you boost your healing with supplements, vitamins, and minerals. The stress from PTSD is very draining on the body, and you use up a lot of energy and resources, so at times of trauma supplements are quite necessary for recovery (Magnesium, Omega 3, Zinc, Vitamin C....etc) " +"My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore."," This sounds like a possible boundary issue. Boundaries are important in relationships. They are invisible lines that we will or will not cross. It is up to us to create and hold them. We have the ability to rethink them and change them as needed. It sounds like you have thought it through and would like to makes changes in the relationship between your mother and you. In the main question, you want to avoid the family member, however in the following comment, it sounds like you may just want the avoid that conversation, not so much your mother.  Once we review the issue and decide what we need (create the boundary), I suggest opening talking with the person when everyone is calm (not in the middle of a stressful moment when we often are unable to focus and hear the other person). Always understanding that we had time to think about this issue and the other person has not (catching them off guard). State clearly your need. Such as ""I am not comfortable with hearing about my sister. It stresses me out. I would appreciate it if you would not bring it up anymore. If you do, I will not respond and I will change the subject "" It is important to use ""I"" statements. I feel"" this way"". I will ""do this"". We only have power over our actions. Also when we use ""you "" comments, the other person can become defensive and unable to hear what we are saying.  Once we let ourselves know what we need, then let the other people know our new boundary, then it is up to us to follow through. We will make mistakes. Not follow through every time with our boundary. That is okay. Start again. It gets easier with practice. It is also appropriate to reconsider and change your boundary as needed. Just let the others know when you need to change it. Remember, they can not read our minds.  I wish you much strength and hope the best for you and your family. www.parishhealthandwellness.com " +"I'm a female in my mid 20s. Lately I tend to over drink and I've become a very angry drunk. + +In the past, I have even cheated on my boyfriend while I was under the influence of alcohol. + +But now, even if I don't do anything wrong and don't embarrass myself, I still feel really guilty after a night of drinking. I don't understand why I'm feeling this way. Does this mean I have a problem?"," Hello, I commend you for your courage in taking a look at the role alcohol has in your life. It sounds like you're concerned about what happens when you drink too much and I suspect you already know the answer to your question about whether you have a problem or not. I imagine you would like to stop feeling guilty and would like to avoid cheating on your boyfriend or other negative consequences and maybe have a fear of being or becoming an ""addict"" or ""alcoholic."" You might have a ""problem"" but that does not necessarily mean that you are an addict.  I don't have information to know if ""addiction"" or ""dependence"" or other words would best describe where you are with drinking, but it sounds like it's begun to have some negatives, so forgive me using words like addict, dependence and so on. I mean it more as a road map than a diagnosis. The feedback I'm writing here is very general and doesn't address physical dependence and many other factors that might apply to your situation.   One of the ways to think about substance (mis)use is to think of addiction as a disease of avoidance. Let me repeat that: it is a disease of avoidance. Your ultimate task in living a balanced life is to figure out what you're avoiding and develop other ways to manage those feelings, experiences, and so on. And of course, along the way, you may want to look at triggers, situations, biological vulnerability, social pressures, coping skills, relapse prevention planning and so on. Depending on where you are in your drinking, you might very well benefit from expertise and support.  Remember also that alcohol depresses our central nervous system and disinhibits us. That means that alcohol is often a substance of choice to relax, destress, calm down, etc. Also, it allows feelings, thoughts, and behaviors that we usually inhibit to be expressed. If you were unfaithful and often angry, that's your first signpost. For angry drinkers, it is often true that you don't drink and then get angry, you drink in order to express anger.  I recommend you find someone you can speak frankly with, who is knowledgeable about addiction. Wishing you the best health and wellness.  " +"My ex-wife married and used me to have a child. She now uses that child as a pawn. I know my child misses me, but I need to move on and not live in the past. How do I do this? Do I see my child as much as possible or very little? Is it more confusing for the child?"," You're in a difficult situation and on behalf of you and your child, I commend you for trying to find the right thing to do. Short version: your child needs you as much as possible. period. Always. We used to think that children were almost always harmed by divorce, unless there was extreme conflict or violence. More recent data shows that children are not necessarily harmed by divorce if they keep both their parents. In other words, the damaging part is losing half of themselves and losing the value of being connected to everyone who loves them, especially the other parent, in addition to the extra benefit there is from the other parent's perspective, strengths and so on.  The best thing for your child is for you to be available and loving and doing everything possible to allow the child to be whole - a person who incorporates BOTH parents. It's a tragedy for everyone to use a child to achieve adult aims, like getting back at a former spouse. In such a circumstance, your child needs you more than ever. If you and your wife have different rules and so on, your child will learn to adjust and adapt, just as they would if you remained in the household. A child quickly learns that they talk to mom about x,y,z or get away with whatever, but has different rules with dad. He/she will not be too confused in the long run.  Please stay the course in dealing with a difficult ex-wife for you and your child's wellbeing. Best of luck to all. " +I am going through a very hard time and I'm so depressed. My parents are getting a divorce and a lot of bad things are happening. I want to lull myself.," It sounds like a tough time and it's normal to feel down when your family is going through a divorce or other hardship. There's a difference between feelings like sadness, discouragement, grief, loneliness and depression, though. Sadness is sadness and sometimes we have to go through a grieving or other process, that is a normal reaction to events in our lives. Depression, on the other hand, is more about being stuck.  Lulling yourself with self-care sounds like a healthy response and a way to give yourself support. So as to the uncomfortable but healthy part of your feelings, do the best you can to put names to it and share with a trusted other person. You will find comfort.  The part of your situation that's depression -- feeling stuck, not able to get out of bad, concentrate, changes in sleeping and eating, loss of enjoyment in living, poor hygiene, feelings of hopelessness, that's different. First step, identify your own symptoms of depression. If you have any thoughts of hurting yourself, tell someone. If you're not sure, you can try 800-lifenet or other support line to get feedback.  First aid for depression includes: daily care and feeding, good sleeping and eating, lots of exercise--even when you don't feel like it-- healthy socializing, and focusing on talking to yourself in a positive way. If you aren't able to move yourself out of your depression,  work with a professional to make short-term goals and get some support. You may also talk to your doctor or psychiatrist about trying an anti-depressant to give you a little lift while you go through a rough patch. Best wishes, Karen " +"I've always thought that there wasn't much good out there for me. Now that things are actually going well, it kind of scares me. I spent most of my life feeling unwanted and figured I would be alone. I recently met a great woman who seems to really like me, and I don't know how to process this. It's bothering both of us."," You're in a lot of good company and it's great that you're in a positive relationship. Congratulations! I often hear people talk about loving yourself and self esteem. We often seem to blame ourselves for not ""loving ourselves"" enough or put ourselves down for having low self esteem. It seems to me that since we are essentially socially beings and in fact, need each other for our survival, we really know who we are through our many interactions with others and with our environment. In other words, you can't just snap your fingers and voila! now I love myself, where there was an empty space or self-doubt before. We grow that warm coal inside ourselves through the friction of contact with others who value and validate us.   Allow yourself to be patient with yourself as you experience this new relationship. You are learning a new model of who you are and how you fit into the world. What a marvelous gift for you!  You may also have fears that the current joys may be temporary or unreliable. These fears of loss may get in your way, however understandable. If you are truly close to your companion, you can share with her that you are loving your relationship but sometimes fear it will go away and sometimes have trouble really trusting it. Such a conversation may bring you both closer.  Hang in there. You're working on co-creating a new normal with a great woman.  " +I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?," It is totally normal - you have a lot riding on this and you're invested! Think about why you feel so shaky - is it something about the therapist or their style? If so, it would be a good idea to talk with them about it so you feel more at ease. In any case bringing up your feelings about therapy in therapy is totally appropriate and even necessary. Good luck! " +I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?," I would be more concerned with how is this being addressed in therapy. Therapy can be a rewarding process, however often times we do not pay much attention to the messages being sent to our bodies. I believe in somatic therapy which deals with our mind & body connection. I would think it may not be a question of normal or abnormal however if it is impacting you then you must pay attention to that. It would be helpful to explore the feelings you're having  with your therapist. It may be something that needs addressing to help alleviate those feelings or have a better understanding of why they are showing up when it is time for therapy.  " +I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?," Thank you for your question. It's completely normal and natural to feel nervous before a therapy session. Many people report having felt this way.  I can't say enough regarding the amount of courage it takes to reach out and attend a therapy session. For many people, it can take weeks, months, or even years of contemplating whether to see a therapist or not before actually contacting one and attending the first session. It takes courage to want to work through any struggles you may be having or personal growth you aspire toward.  In your question, you mentioned that you've ""gone several times and are still feeling nervous and shaky."" If you feel comfortable with your therapist and it's a good fit for you, I would suggest talking about this with your therapist. You don't have to struggle each time you have your appointment. Together, you and your therapist can work toward helping you have a different experience.  " +I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?," Everyone has different experiences going to therapy. Being nervous can be a typical emotion one might feel. Emotions are our body's way of telling us important information about ourselves. I would suggest talking openly in your sessions about this. That way you can process your thoughts and feelings with the guidance of your counselor. There are probably underlining emotions (fears or insecurities) that are being stirred up during your therapy sessions. Your counselor might suggest individual counseling depending on what you learn about your anxiety. In individual therapy you would have time to deal with your own stressors. As you address your issues, then you will have tools and skills that will be useful in addressing the couple relationship.  " +I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?," Hi there,  Thank you for your question. It's absolutely ok to feel nervous going to therapy. I have experienced anxiety going to see my own therapist. There can be a few reasons why you might feel this way.  First, it is always unnerving to see a person who is a stranger and to share intimate things with that stranger. You mentioned it has only been a couple of sessions. Your anxiety might subside as you continue to see your therapist and grow more comfortable with him/her.  Another reason why you might feel particularly nervous is perhaps you are not comfortable sharing things. As children, we might have bad experiences opening up to others. Someone might bully or ridicule us, and that experience can stay with us for a long time, making it extra scary to share our intimate feelings and thoughts with others. If this the case, as you continue with your sessions and have positive interactions with your therapists, this anxiety will subside with time and you will re-learn that it is safe to share.  And the last thought why you might feel the shakes is perhaps you know that you need to talk about some past experiences or memories that are uncomfortable and difficult.  Regardless of the reason, it might help you to bring up your nervousness in your session and share how you feel with your therapist. Having an open dialogue about your anxiety with your therapist can help you resolve some of that anxiety and built greater trust with your therapist.  " +"My husband and I have been married for seven years, and in that time, we have only had intercourse four or five times. Others have told me that most men would have left me by now. Honestly, I think I have a low intercourse drive or neither one of us actually knows what we are doing. I want to be better connected with my husband."," Hi there,  Thank you for your openness about the challenge you are experiencing in your relationship. intercourseual intimacy is an important part of many people's life, but how much importance is placed on it varies from couple to couple.  The first step would be to have an open conversation with your husband. It's important you are both open about what you desire from intercourseual intimacy and how much intimacy each one of you wants. For example, asking your husband how often does he want to have intercourse/ week or /month. When having this conversation, it's important that you are both respectful and open with each other. The point of the conversation is to get to know each other and not to solve a problem, yet.  There are couples who enjoy fulfilling platonic/friendship relationships with minimal or no intercourse because both partners are not interested in it. If you are both on the same page - lack of intercourse might not be a problem.  If there is a difference in your intercourse drive and frequency of desire, I would recommend seeing a professional relationship & intercourse therapist as a couple to help you explore your current intercourseual dynamic, what's creating it, what's getting in a way of connecting intercourseually and to assist you and your husband in finding creative solutions.  " +I'm obsessing about a terrible breakup. Everything is a constant reminder. How do I move on?," Hi,  Break ups can be very devastating and even traumatic. Recovering from one is a process that is unique for everyone person and will take time. It's important that you don't compare yourself to others. Each and every person will experience this grieving process differently. Here are a few tips to help with your recovery:  1. Make sure you surround yourself with people who love you and support you, friends and family. Even though you might feel like being alone, make an effort to be around them.  2. Although you might not feel like it, try to take care of yourself as much as possible: eat healthily, get regular sleep, & vigorous or gentle exercise (depending on your mood). The last thing that we want to do when we are physically sick (e.g. flu) is to take care of ourselves even thought that's what we need the most. But when we do get that chicken broth, sleep and vitamins we recover much faster and with less discomfort. That's exactly the same when it comes to emotional pain. Take care of yourself, keep yourself strong and healthy so you can recover faster.  3. As much as possible, put away reminders of the relationship. You might not be ready to throw things out, but try to put them away in a box in the storage or in a closet. And also block Social Media reminders. There is a lot of wisdom in the saying ""Out of Sight, Out of Mind.""  4. Once the initial shock and intensity of the break up wear off, try out something new. In a relationship, we often forget and give up on things that we always wanted to do or to try. Now it's time to bring out that dusty bucket list and start trying something new.  5. If possible, change your scenery by going away on vacation with a friend or even by yourself. Changing your surroundings can really help you change your thoughts, mindset and forget your ex even if just for a few hours. Even a weekend getaway with a couple of girlfriends can do wonders.  6. In addition, to help you make sense of your past relationship and what went wrong, I would highly recommend seeing a professional counsellor or therapist.  " +I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?," ""Normal"" can be an insidious word to use because it can undermine your sense of worth.  It implies there's one particular way you should be behaving and can leave you feeling crappy and ""abnormal"" if you're not behaving according to that prescribed standard.   Instead, what I'd recommend is to pay attention to your emotional experiences when you're attending therapy.  Explore your feelings and thoughts without judgement and try to reflect and understand what's going on that's causing you anxiety.  Once you figure out the underlying meaning of the anxiety, you can figure out a way to handle it and action steps to take to diminish it.   " +I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?," Hello there.  You ask about being nervous and shaky walking in to your therapy session and want to know if its normal? ...  I realize there a few ways to look at this.  I presume you weren't anticipating feeling this way; and probably hoped to feel the opposite..  Well, my initial response is yes, sure, it can be within reason to feel this way.  Have you been in therapy before? Is this somewhat new? That could be part of the reason. But either way; new or not, I think when are entering into a meeting that holds potential evaluation of deep things about you and your heart and soul, it can cause anyone to tremble. The soul can be anticipating some things could be shaken up here, and it can feel scary to look at these things and then change.  Looking deep at our life can feel daunting and scary; so your response just might be regards to potential growth trying to happen.   OR, is there something about the therapist you don't feel confident about?  This too might be in play as a reason for your feelings...  Maybe you lack confidence in that therapist ?  Have you let your therapist know how you feel?  That would be good to explore... I would like to encourage you to look at these ideas.  Hope it helps.   Let me know Kindly, keith keithcounseling.com " +I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?," It's normal to feel a little anxiety--after all it's an important encounter for you.  My suggestion is to discuss this with your therapist, let him/her know how you're feeling, especially if you feel as though your level of anxiety is impacting the quality and benefit of your sessions.  You might try some relaxation techniques prior to starting the session, deep breathing, progressive relaxation, core muscle dis-engagement--If you're not familiar with these techniques ask your therapist or write back. " +I am becoming a Water Safety Instructor but I didn't have enough for a proper swimsuit. I was told by a boy in class that my top was displaying everything. I was very embarrassed.," As far as I can tell, you received unwanted attention, but you didn't do anything wrong.  What did your instructor say? Anything? If the outfit was not appropriate then the instructor should tell you--If he/she didn't then assume the swimsuit was okay, but the gentleman in the class wanted your attention and took it upon himself to comment, in order to get that attention.  If you don't want his attention then you have a couple of choices--wear a shirt  over the swim top, find an inexpensive swim top to replace the one you have, or wear what you have as long as the instructor doesn't say anything, and if you get unwanted attention say in as confident, slightly loud, voice as you can muster.  ""I don't appreciate your critique of what I'm wearing, we're here to take a class, let's just focus on that. Then,  Turn on your heel and walk away. " +"My ex-wife married and used me to have a child. She now uses that child as a pawn. I know my child misses me, but I need to move on and not live in the past. How do I do this? Do I see my child as much as possible or very little? Is it more confusing for the child?"," If you have a good relationship with your child then you have already accepted and been accepted as this child's parent and you have a commitment and an obligation to play that role.  If you suddenly absent yourself from this child's life then you may be doing real damage. Working out an arrangement with the child's mother for regular visits the child can count on and committed to by both parents will serve the best interest of the child, which I assume is what both parents are truly concerned with.  The visits don't have to be every day, once a week, even once a month, is better than hit and miss with long absences in between.  Best of luck to you, and the fact that you asked the question says volumes about your parenting potential.  Feel free to follow up with me, on line or in person. " +"I'm always listening to my husband, but it feels like he never listens to me. + +How do I get my husband to listen to me instead of me listening to him all the time?"," Have the two of you ever discussed how you feel?  I know given the nature of your question that's probably not likely, but I'm going to suggest it any way.  He needs to understand that how you feel about this issue equates to not being as happy in the relationship as you could be or he thinks you are.  So start there, that may be more of an attention getter than ""you never listen to me"" yes I do etc.  Direct opener:  I'm not as happy in this relationship as I think we both deserve.  Pause, and if you won't let me talk about it then it's only going to get worse.  Then explain you don't feel listened to, you try to be a good listener but you don't feel you are getting the same in return.  If he interrupts put your hand up in the sign of a stop, then say please just let me finish.  You are right to raise this subject with him because a good marriage can't exist in a communication vacuum. In fairness to him, he needs to understand the seriousness of your concern and have a chance to do better.  If he refuses,  tell him you want to seek couples counseling then do it, with him or without him. " +"I've been suppressing it for quite some time, but there are days when I can't make eye contact with her. I think she knows, and we both admitted there was some type of vibe, but the overall discussion was vague. I think she could possibly be dating someone that works with us. It's driving me crazy. As an act of expression, I have purchased a gift for her that's personalized. I haven't given it to her yet.", There are many possible ways dating your boss could go awry and jeopardize your occupational well-being so my recommendation is to hold off on presenting your boss with a personalized gift and instead focus on building attraction and romantic interest with someone who is not at the workplace.   Sometimes the element of power and unavailability can heighten our intercourseual interest but that doesn't mean it's a healthy idea to pursue someone who is in a position of power over you at your workplace.   +"I've never been able to talk with my parents. My parents are in their sixties while I am a teenager. I love both of them but not their personalities. I feel that they do not take me seriously whenever I talk about a serious event in my life. If my dad doesn't believe me, then my mom goes along with my dad and acts like she doesn't believe me either. I'm a panintercourseual, but I can't trust my own parents. +I've fought depression and won; however, stress and anxiety are killing me. I feel that my friends don't listen to me. I know they have their own problems, which I do my best to help with. But they don't always try to help me with mine, when I really need them. I feel as if my childhood has been taken from me. I feel as if I have no one whom I can trust."," I'm sorry you feel so alone and isolated, those feelings in and of themselves can lead to depression, stress and anxiety.  So job one is finding someone you can talk to.  A good friend or an open parent can be as helpful as a professional counselor, but if you don't have those, then by all means call your local Mental Health Association, suicide prevention, or go see your school counseling department. There are many of us now who do on-line, FaceTime, phone counseling so that is an option to consider in your situation.  On the other hand,  If you want to script a conversation with your parents (I'm a great believer in scripting) not that you're going to read it to them, but if you write down exactly what you want to say, read it over a few times before you're ready to have the conversation.  Why?  You'll be much more likely to do it if you're prepared, and you'll  have a better chance of saying everything you want to say in a calm but forceful way.  The same with your friends--you are probably a great listener and therefore attract people who want to talk--so you need to let these friends know you need something in return.  If you practice asking for equal talk time, then perhaps these friends will respond and surprise you, or if you make those demands you'll start attracting people who are looking for equality in friendships.  Now back to that script--first decide do you want to talk to both parents at once, or one at a time.  Then begin to write down the points you want to make such as:   I love you, and I know you love me but I don't feel as though I can trust your love to be unconditional enough to tell you who I really am, and how I really feel.  Find your own words to describe your own feelings.  If I can help, get in touch. You are right to reach out starting here, there are no prizes for suffering in silence and, as you already know, little joy in going it alone.  " +"My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 2 years. I've been really sad lately and for the past few months I've realized I'm just way too dependent on him. It makes me really upset to be so dependent on someone else, but I can't help it. I don't even know who I am without him. + +How can I be less dependent on my him?"," Recognizing that you're too dependent on your boyfriend can be a wakeup call and an excellent opportunity to work on your own personal growth and independence.  It sounds like it's time to explore and develop your own interests and engage in some activities that excite and challenge you.  If you have time, it could be useful to begin a new activity or class, cultivate friendships outside of your relationship with your boyfriend, and begin to reflect and meditate on ways to enhance your own personal fulfillment. " +"My husband and I have been married for seven years, and in that time, we have only had intercourse four or five times. Others have told me that most men would have left me by now. Honestly, I think I have a low intercourse drive or neither one of us actually knows what we are doing. I want to be better connected with my husband."," In order to develop a better intimate connection with your husband, it's important to first cultivate a strong connection with yourself.  I would take some time to explore your own body, notice what feels pleasurable, and play with different ways to achieve orgasm on your own.  Explore your own willingness to be open emotionally, intercourseually, and to play and have fun. Once you've engaged in a process of self exploration, I would check in with yourself and be honest about why you're not enjoying intercourse.  Are there specific reasons you're not enjoying intercourse with your husband?  Sometimes the reasons might be of a intercourseual nature and other times there could be emotional blocks (or anxiety) or other reasons that prevent you from wanting to be fully open and let go with your partner.   From a intercourseual perspective, I would explore what you can do to increase your own pleasure, learn ways to communicate your needs in a loving way, and focus on pleasure and play (rather than outcome and orgasm).   Begin by taking the pressure off orgasm and enjoy a naked massage together-- focusing on exploring what feels pleasurable.  Lastly, if you're wanting to learn new skills, check out a local intercourse workshop.    " +I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?, It is absolutely a typical response.  Many of my clients are nervous the first couple of times we meet.  This is essentially a stranger with whom you are sharing your feelings.   +I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?," of  I would love to know a little bit more about what's going on in your life but I will attempt an answer.Yes, you could still be shaky and nervous going to therapy. This therapy thing your doing is sometimes scary.  First, because your opening up things that you might have never wanted to.  Second, your still building a relationship with this therapist person. You may never get over that. The therapist really can't be your ""friend"". They are there to push the buttons that you might not want pushed and help you heal.  That in itself is scary and can make you anxious.  Third, you really never know where this therapy thing will go. Yes, there are goals. But sometimes side roads need to be taken and sometimes that is scary. Know this you are in the right place. You are taking steps to change.  " +I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?," Hello. First, I am so sorry you are experiencing these feelings. They can be intense, I will do my best to offer some suggestions or thoughts that I hope will be helpful to you. There could be a number of things occurring. Therapy is a delicate, private decision and I would first like to commend you for the fact that you are not giving up, that you are working to figure this out, and make this work, it sounds like you are engaged and motivated to receive support from a professional, your continued  dedication and motivation will take you far. I would first start by asking if you have discussed this with your therapist, if you feel comfortable enough telling your therapist what is going on, maybe inform the therapist that  that you feel nervous and shaky. I am a firm believer in open communication between the client and therapist as this builds a healthy therapeutic relationship that yields positive outcomes, if this can be obtained and well received. This is YOUR time for healing and therapy should be a safe, supportive environment to not only process but to seek support and guidance from a professional who can help you move past the barriers. If you feel you are comfortable and able to speak to your therapist, that would be my first suggestion, is to tell he or she how you are feeling. If they know then they can help determine the potential cause and allow you to process and move forward. If this is left un resolved it will be hard for you to move forward. If you are not comfortable discussing this with your therapist, this may be something to take into consideration and worthy of thinking about: why you are not comfortable speaking to the therapist. I understand this is difficult. If I may offer one more suggestion, breathing exercises are very beneficial. Remind yourself what you are working to achieve, close your eyes in a safe moment and breathe in and out slowly, in slowly through your nose and out through your mouth with pursed lips. Breathe in for approximately 5-10 seconds, then let it out slowly. Be sure and do this when you are in private, and feel safe environment. When you begin, I suggest putting your hand on your stomach, over your belly button to feel yourself actually taking in those deep breaths. I know it may sound kind of silly but they really work and are incredibly helpful. We often forget to breathe, especially when we  are feeling anxious. You are supported here and try taking yourself through the above thought process and breathing and practice the breathing several times a day. I hope this shaky and uneasy feeling eases. Wishing you the very best! Laura Cassity, LMSW, LMAC " +"I have family issues, and my dad was both violent and a cheater."," In general, our past is always somewhat alive and does inform our present experiences.  All past experiences, both positive and negative are what have brought you where you are today, physically and emotionally.    That being said, your father's behavior does not have to define you or your future.  You have power over your life and your future.  By learning more about yourself, you can learn to incorporate your past into your present life, without being defined by past traumas.   The best way to grow and learn how to do this is to talk with someone about your experiences.  By talking about your past and present struggles with a trusted confidante or helping professional you will hopefully learn how to be at peace with your past.   " +I'm very depressed. How do I find someone to talk to?," If there is no one in your life with whom you feel comfortable, I would recommend identifying someone on this site, psychology today or goodtherapy.org who is in your area, then give that therapist a call to see if you would be a good match.   " +"My boyfriend is in Ireland for 11 days, and I am an emotional wreck."," It sounds like you and your boyfriend are very close.  Do you typically spend most of your time together?   If so, it may be important to reflect on how you feel when you are apart.  If any separation is difficult, you may need to examine why.  Think about what it is that you miss and what you are anxious, upset or worried about.  If you examine the causes of your distress you likely will experience some relief.    It is important to learn how to be happy when you are alone, it will only improve the way you feel when you are with your boyfriend.   " +I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?, Certainly.  +My boyfriend called me a particular profanity and I broke up with him. This is the third time he's called me this and I'm just completely done with giving him chances. He knows how much it bothers me. I just want to know if I'm over reacting.," It sounds like you are reacting to an issue in communication patterns, rather than a particular word.  The ability to listen considerately to your partner and to have your partner listen to you is one of the keystones of a successful relationship.  If your partner is not listening to, acknowledging and remembering your wishes, that is likely an indicator of some fissures in the foundation of the relationship.  " +"My fiancé and I come from a strong Christian background but both went off the ""straight and narrow"" once before. He is having a hard time accepting my past, especially that I'm not a virgin. He has a hard time in general accepting himself and others. + +His insecurities are hurting our relationship. How can I help him let go of my past and decide to live in the present?"," One of the sometimes difficult things about being in a relationship is the fact that you can make goals for yourself, but you can't make goals for your partner. If your fiancé wants to learn to live more in the present and learn to let go of the past or move in a different direction, you can certainly assist him, but you can't independently make it happen. I wonder if both of you would be willing to have a discussion where he is able to explain to you what he is experiencing and you are able to listen for five, 10, 15 minutes in a way that is not blaming or pointing fingers or asking him to change, but just listening (kind of like an investigative reporter) so you can have more details and ask questions that you may have about what certain things mean, when it feels like to to him when this is discussed, etc. At that point, maybe he would willing to listen to your thoughts on the subject as well. Also, if he wants to make a change, it may be helpful to see a therapist who specializes in working with couples. Sometimes changes such as these require a great deal of personal awareness and there can be quite a bit of emotions attached, so it is often helpful to have someone there to assist. It may also be nice to have a discussion where you consider what makes you feel valued, appreciated, special, or loved, and also consider what makes your fiancé feel that way. " +I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?," Well, it's generally okay to feel anxious or nervous about going into therapy, particularly in the beginning because the process of being open about what you are going through, much less to someone who you don't know well, can be anxiety-producing. It's also common to feel anxious when you are discussing something that is important, difficult to discuss, or you are making changes that are very difficult for you. The most important thing I can tell you, though, is to discuss with your therapist this idea that you feel nervous and shaky. Some anxiety can actually help to motivate or lead you toward change. There are also level of anxiety that can be counterproductive, so it's a good thing to discuss. Personally, I can tell you that I would want my clients to tell me about anxiety they feel 100% of the time. That opens the dialog to discuss whether it is the level of anxiety that they want to sit with and learn about in discovering more about themselves and their experiences and/or whether they would like to do something to lessen the feeling of anxiety. Thanks for writing here. If it caused anxiety for you to do so, I hope that feeling is diminishing for you, at least related to writing here. " +"I'm always listening to my husband, but it feels like he never listens to me. + +How do I get my husband to listen to me instead of me listening to him all the time?"," Thanks for writing. There are many different house of things that may be helpful here. I can give you some general ideas, but if some of these things don't get you to where you would like to go, consider seeing a therapist who specializes in couples: " +I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?, For some people it's absolutely normal to feel nervous about coming to therapy.   It's sometimes hard to share our emotions and feelings with someone --- no matter how warm and caring the therapist is.     Are you comfortable with your therapist?  Is it a good relational fit?      Maybe this is a good thing to discuss with your specific therapist at the beginning of your next session --- maybe they can help you find some strategies or tools to make it easier?   +I'm obsessing about a terrible breakup. Everything is a constant reminder. How do I move on?," Breaking up can be a very difficult thing.  I'm sorry you're feeling badly.    The first thing is to be really sure you are taking care of yourself --- that means eating well, exercising, getting good sleep, spending time with friends/family and making sure you are taking care of important things like work, rent, bills etc.    Secondly, it's important to do things that make you feel better and not worse.   If looking up your ex on social media makes you feel worse stop doing it!   It's important to concentrate on you and not them.    Thirdly, it's super important to make sure you're really looking at the situation accurately and look for the good things that still exist in your life ---  what is still good?   Even though your emotions are hurting and you are feeling badly, can you see the light at the end of the tunnel?  Do you feel hope?  If you do try to concentrate on that hope feeling.   If the obsessing continues and really gets in the way of living your life?   Maybe contact a therapist or counsellor that can help you through this difficult time?  " +I'm very depressed. How do I find someone to talk to?, Sorry to hear you are feeling that way.    Is there a 24-hour helpline where you are that you can call?   Here is a website with some numbers to call:  https://psychcentral.com/lib/common-hotline-phone-numbers/      You could talk to your family doctor and they could help you find a therapist?   You could also use this website to find a therapist.  https://therapists.psychologytoday.com.  I sincerely hope you find someone to talk to.   +Every winter I find myself getting sad because of the weather. How can I fight this?," Change your total daily routine, different route, different lunch, different afternoon.  Sit outside for 10 minutes three times every day, use a therapy light during the day, aroma-therapy oils for stimulation, but....keep your routine bedtimes and wake up times......and exercise at least 3 times per week,  if after several weeks you are not feeling better....talk with your doctor. " +"I just don't know what I want in life anymore. I'm can't figure out what it is that is keeping me distracted and unfocused. I can't put things into perspective at all. I'm just stuck, and I'm disappointed with my lack of accomplishments."," Thank you for sharing! It can be very disorienting not to know what you want and where you are headed. Sometimes we are so focused on something we haven't achieved yet or on comparing ourselves to others that we lose touch with what we actually want and need. At times like this, it's important to go back to basics.  Try out this simple exercise, take a few minutes to write down all your present responsibilities. For example: make meals, complete homework...etc.  Then in the column next to it, write down the things that you do for yourself to recharge yourself and to enjoy your time.  Is your list of responsibilities way longer than your list of stuff you do for yourself? It is easy to get lost in the sea of responsibilities and disconnect from what you want and need. To fix that, write another list of things that you enjoyed doing in the past for yourself and start incorporating them into your schedule on a regular basis. This will help you re-connect with yourself, and bring focus and clarity to your life. " +"I'm always listening to my husband, but it feels like he never listens to me. + +How do I get my husband to listen to me instead of me listening to him all the time?"," Unfortunately you can't directly change another person's behavior. However, you can give him feedback on how his not listening impacts you. The best way to provide feedback is in 3 parts. The first part is telling him the emotion you are experiencing when he doesn't listen, such as hurt, sad, and unloved. I would stay away from feelings such as frustrated, angry and irritated and use a more vulnerable emotion. The second part is what he does specifically to make you feel that way, be specific! Example: when I get home and tell you about my day and you don't look away from the tv. Be objective as possible when you describe his behavior. And the last part is the most important, tell him what you want him to do, and again be specific! Example: I would rather you turn off the tv, give me eye contact and reassure me about my day. Here is an example with all 3 parts together: I feel hurt when you don't say anything to me when I tell you about my fight with my friend, I want you to hug me and tell me you understand how I feel. Hope that helps!! " +"If I tell him I don't like certain things, he does when it pertains to me. He tells me it's not like that. He never has anything to say about me until I tell him something about himself."," It sounds like there are issues with communication between you and your husband.  Your perceptions of interactions that you are having don't sound like they match up.  It would probably be helpful for you both to work on communicating using ""I"" statements (I feel----when you---).  This is a more effective way of communicating your needs than directly criticizing the other person.  If you work on communicating in new, less critical ways you both may learn more about your spouse's feelings and perspective.   " +I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?," If you have only been to a couple of sessions, it makes sense that you might still feel apprehensive at first. Therapy is hard work! You may be talking about some things that you never talked to anyone about before. Opening up to stranger can be scary. After you feel comfortable with your counselor, and trust has built up and you feel understood in session, you should feel more relaxed. I would encourage you to talk to your counselor about feeling a little shaky. Sharing what the process is like for you is important in your work. If you still feel unsure about sharing after several sessions, it is important to take a look at that and try to understand where that may be coming from. For example, are you and the therapist not a good fit? But, again if you are just starting out in working together, feeling a little bit nervous makes perfect sense, and I encourage you to give it a bit more time and to talk to your therapist about how you are feeling. " +"I'm in my mid 20s with a husband and children. I love my family, but I feel like I've lost my identity, and I don't know who I am other than a mom and wife. At times, all I can think is what I gave up and how I feel unhappy and trapped, but I know I'd feel like worse without them. I loathe myself at times. I have an amazing life, so why can't I just enjoy it?"," It is not easy being a wife and mother. You have shifted roles in your life. You went from having a career to focusing on your family. Transitioning can be hard, especially when we feel we gave something up that we really wanted. I want to acknowledge you for wanting to be the best wife and mother you can. I think it is great that you are self-aware and want to work on this. Feeling ""unhappy and trapped"" may also mean that you are  believing these negative thoughts are absolutely true. We have lots and lots of thoughts throughout the day. Sometimes we pay a lot of attention to some and some we ignore. Right now these thoughts are getting a lot of your attention and perhaps you are thinking because you are thinking them they are true.  Is it really true that you trapped? You also said that you have an amazing life. It doesn't sound like you are only having negative thoughts. You have some positive ones, too. However, you are giving a lot of weight to the negative thoughts, more weight than the positive ones. I also wonder if you are struggling with the fact that you are even having this thought. One thing that can be helpful is to recognize that you are having a thought, that it is a negative thought, that thinking it does not make it true, and to let it go. This is the basis for mindfulness work that can be really helpful. It is a great place for you to start so you can balance out your thoughts and emotions. Best of luck to you! " +"My fiancé and I come from a strong Christian background but both went off the ""straight and narrow"" once before. He is having a hard time accepting my past, especially that I'm not a virgin. He has a hard time in general accepting himself and others. + +His insecurities are hurting our relationship. How can I help him let go of my past and decide to live in the present?"," Sometimes we have difficulty keeping the past in the past. The best way to build a great relationship and have a great future, believe it or not, is to be firmly placed in the present. That means that when we stay in the moment with our partner and can notice what we are experiencing in the here and now we reap the best benefits of that relationship. We notice the good things that are happening in the moment. We are reacting to what we are experiencing in the moment, not reacting to a worry about the past. We notice, especially, who the person is right now and not who they were in the past.  We can connect with the things we love about them, too. I think it is great that you want to help him and the choice to stay in the present and move forward in the relationship will mostly be up to him. We cannot change another person. It sounds like couples counseling might be a great step for you because you can both learn the skills you need to stay in the present and also learn some helpful ""active listening"" skills so that you can really listen to one another and understand each other. Communication skills can really be helpful. You can both have the opportunity to hear each other and support each other. We cannot change the past, but we can create the future we want. Best of luck to you both!  " +I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?," Yes, it is completely normal to feel anxious about therapy. Therapy often explores topics and feelings that are uncomfortable. The ultimate goal of therapy is to feel better but the process itself can be uncomfortable. " +I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?," It is absolutely normal to be nervous about therapy.  Many people take years to make the decision to start counseling and although it is a safe place to explore feelings, it may be the first time you are facing certain issues.  It takes courage to face issues head on.  Being nervous is part of the process.  The fact that you are continuing to go to therapy sessions despite feeling nervous demonstrates your strength.  Keep it up! " +I'm obsessing about a terrible breakup. Everything is a constant reminder. How do I move on?," Relationships can be extremely enjoyable and satisfying.  When relationships end, however, it can be devastating.  It is normal to go through a grieving process after a breakup.  Denial, bargaining, sadness, anger and eventually acceptance are all normal stages of grief.  You may experience these feelings all at once or one at a time.  Allow yourself time to grieve by expressing your emotions - talk to a friend or write in a journal.  Take care of yourself during this time by exercising, eating and sleeping well and spending time with friends.  After some time you should start feeling better.  If you feel like you're not feeling better and you don't know what to do, you can see a therapist to help you get through this difficult time. " +"My fiancé and I have been together for 3 years and our relationship has always been good. The only issue we had was that he felt like he wasn't getting enough intercourseual attention from me. + +I recently found out he cheated on me with another women. He says he wants his family back but I'm confused on what to do. Is it possible for us to get past the cheating, or should I just move on?"," Betrayal in a relationship can be one of the most difficult things a relationship can sustain. Sometimes feelings about the betrayal may also trigger past wounds. The fact that ""it only happened once"" may not make it any easier to move forward. I highly recommend working with a mental health professional who has experience working around the issue of infidelity. Together, you can work on healing the wounds and moving forward. I do believe it is possible to move forward, if both partners are ready and willing to do the work to move forward together and create a new vision for their relationship.  " +I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?," Yes, feeling nervous for the first few or several sessions of therapy, is completely normal. Therapy is an unusual way to have a conversation with someone.   The person is an expert in recognizing and understanding dynamics of human interactions.   For some people the fear is that the therapist knows more about you than you do yourself. In general terms hopefully your therapist has worked with many other people who've faced problems similar to yours. In this sense the therapist has a general idea of the basic dynamics you most likely are handling. No therapist could possibly know your particular details and your particular areas of upset or in what ways you feel unsure of yourself. Once you start to trust both your own right to tell your particular story and start to also feel that your therapist is listening attentively and cares what you tell the person, your nervousness will start to disappear all on its own. Good luck in getting the most from your therapy sessions! " +My daughter is in later elementary school. She can't color in the lines. Her words jumble together when she writes unless there are big spaces or she skips lines.," If your daughter is the same age as most of the other students in her class, and the other students easily complete the tasks you list here, then there is a problem in the performance of these tasks for your daughter. Without knowing more about the context of your daughter's life, for example, is she a new student to the school and class, are there major stressors in the home environment, does your daughter have friends, does your daughter have the same problems she has in school, when she is in other environments? Also, who is telling you she has these problems?   Are you the one who notices what you describe here or is your daughter or is her teacher telling you these facts? Depending on your answers to the questions, start to get clarity with the classroom teacher and the school guidance counselor as to the source of your daughter's problem. Good luck!  " +"My fiancé and I come from a strong Christian background but both went off the ""straight and narrow"" once before. He is having a hard time accepting my past, especially that I'm not a virgin. He has a hard time in general accepting himself and others. + +His insecurities are hurting our relationship. How can I help him let go of my past and decide to live in the present?"," Your patience with his pace of accepting your past, is the factor most in your control in this situation. Everyone accepts a new understanding at their own particular rate.  Yours may be faster than his pace. Since it is possible he may accelerate his pace of accepting your past if he knows that this is a priority for you, tell him about your own discomfort . Even if knowing how you feel does not motivate him to a quicker pace of accepting your past, you will have the peace of mind to know you gave him all the information you possibly had to give. " +"I'm always listening to my husband, but it feels like he never listens to me. + +How do I get my husband to listen to me instead of me listening to him all the time?"," Does your husband want to listen to you? Find this out by asking him the question! This way you know whether the goal you'd like to reach is even possible. Some partners prefer that one person is the rule maker or the only one who is entitled to talk about themselves. If your husband tells you he wants to listen to you, or even that he does listen to you, then you can explain in detail the way you define ""listening"", which may be very different than his definition. Basically, no one can directly change someone into being more openminded. What is possible is to tell him your wishes, your willingness to be patient while he develops the habit of listening to you and point out that a relationship is more fulfilling when both partners feel they are receiving from the other one. " +I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?," Therapy does not work overnight, oftentimes it is a lifelong struggle, the therapists job is not to ""cure"" you or to remove something but rather to make you strong enough to live your life with your own peculiarities and struggles, remember we are human and constantly fallible. Another important thing to note is that although you go to therapy, that is just a room, most of the magic and work takes place in your real life outside of that room. " +"My fiancé and I come from a strong Christian background but both went off the ""straight and narrow"" once before. He is having a hard time accepting my past, especially that I'm not a virgin. He has a hard time in general accepting himself and others. + +His insecurities are hurting our relationship. How can I help him let go of my past and decide to live in the present?","This suffering and clinging to the past, especially a troubled past or a past that we dont like, may be  amplified due to the Christian framework that may be built into your life. I am not averse to religion, i just think that many times it puts unreasonable expectations on us and helps us to form a guilt complex or perhaps even insecurities, we are humans and humans make mistakes. you mention the straight and narrow, this is a notion that you must give up on and let go, humans can never travel the straight and narrow for their whole lives there are bounds to be mistakes, we are the most fallible species on the planet and please tell your fiance to have some mercy on himself, he is not perfect. Here is a story about clinging on to things you may find useful to mediate on: Once +there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great crystal +river. The current of the river swept silently over them all -- young and +old, rich and poor, good and evil -- the current going its own way, knowing +only its own crystal self. + Each creature in its own +manner clung tightly to the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging +was their way of life, and resisting the current was what each had learned +from birth. + But one creature said +at last, ""I am tired of clinging. Though I cannot see it with my eyes, +I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall let go, and let +it take me where it will. Clinging, I shall die of boredom."" + The other creatures laughed +and said, ""Fool! Let go, and that current you worship will throw you tumbled +and smashed against the rocks, and you will die quicker than boredom!"" + But the one heeded them +not, and taking a breath did let go, and at once was tumbled and smashed +by the current across the rocks. + Yet in time, as the creature +refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the bottom, and +he was bruised and hurt no more. + And the creatures downstream, +to whom he was a stranger, cried, ""See a miracle! A creature like ourselves, +yet he flies! See the messiah, come to save us all!"" + And the one carried in +the current said, ""I am no more messiah than you. The river delights to +lift us free, if only we dare let go. Our true work is this voyage, this +adventure."" + But they cried the more, +""Savior!"" all the while clinging to the rocks, and when they looked again +he was gone, and they were left alone making legends of a savior. + " +"I'm always listening to my husband, but it feels like he never listens to me. + +How do I get my husband to listen to me instead of me listening to him all the time?"," It's hard when you feel as if you're the only one that's taking the time to listen to your spouse. But, I would look at this as an opportunity to see if you can become aware of what exactly is happening between you, when you try and talk with your husband.  Sometimes, it can be in the way dialogue is approached. I would suggest paying attention to the way you begin dialogue with your husband. See if blame and criticism are present. When blame and criticism are included, bids for connection, can quickly go off track. This can sometimes start off with something like: ""why don't you..."" ""you aren't..."" ""you don't..."" Partners can quickly go into defensive mode if they feel they are being attacked and sometimes starting off like this can feel like an attack.   Also, become aware of the time of day or evening when you approach your husband. Sometimes, this can make a big difference for couples as far as when they can truly be present for one another.   If you find this pattern continues, you might consider seeking professional help through couples therapy. A trained couples therapist can help you both understand more about what's happening between you.  " +"I have been married for 11 years. Within the past 2 years we have drifted far apart. We coexist together but there is very little personal interest in each other. I often feel that my husband has ""friends"" at work that he is more emotional invested in than me. I feel very alone and just uncared for. Is there anything I can do to feel reconnected?"," Feeling alone in your marriage is one of the most painful feelings. Wanting connection with your spouse yet feeling the all too familiar distance that's keeping you apart can be so hurtful. But, change is possible. You might be able to move closer toward each other on your own but since there has been two years of distance, I would suggest looking into couples therapy with a trained couples therapist. They are trained in helping couples begin to examine what's been happening that has caused a drift in your marriage.  I'm also curious if there was a significant event that occurred around the time you started feeling distant. If there was something that occurred during this time that is hard for you both to talk about, couples therapy can help with this also. It can provide a safe and supportive space for you both.  " +I'm obsessing about a terrible breakup. Everything is a constant reminder. How do I move on?," Dealing with a breakup is difficult. We have high hopes and then those hopes and dreams are dashed and we feel at a loss for how to deal with this sudden change in our lives. First, it is important to acknowledge that losing a relationship is a loss and we need to grieve that loss. If we don't allow ourselves time to process and move through the grieving process, we may remain stuck and it may make it hard to move on. So in some ways, you don't want to move on too soon by just trying to ignore your feelings. Instead, take good care of yourself, talk to friends and give your self time to heal. The second most important thing is to forgive yourself; this is also an important part of taking care of yourself. You might be blaming yourself and re-living moments when you wish you would have done things differently. By replaying those thoughts you remain stuck. When we begin to forgive ourselves, we truly begin to heal. Lastly, in my experience the people who have the most difficulty moving on have not really severed all ties with their ex. They are still following them on social media or even checking in with texts. This is probably the hardest part for some people, but to move forward there needs to be a clear boundary and a clear ending. If you have a clear ending, you can have a new beginning. I hope this helps. Take good care of yourself!  " +"Every time I send a message to someone or a group message on Instagram, iMessage, or snapchat people will read my messages but then they won't answer me. + +Could it be that there is something they don't like about me? I don't understand why they won't answer my messages. How do I get people to respond to me?"," I understand the feeling of not being liked due to not having any responses on the sites you list. More than likely the non-response has less to do with liking you than w liking the way you write your messages. Have you tried asking a question in your posts?   This would be one way to invite people to answer your post. When you write,  imagine yourself as the reader of the post. If you think about the wording of a question which would motivate you to respond, then this formula will very likely be the same for many others who read your post. Good luck! " +"My dad doesn't like the fact that I'm a boy. He yells at me daily because of it and he tells me I'm extreme and over dramatic. + +I get so depressed because of my dad's yelling. He keeps asking me why I can't just be happy the way I am and yells at me on a daily basis. Is this considered emotional abuse?"," Maybe this is emotional abuse. It certainly is irritating and annoying to be yelled at for being yourself. Maybe at a time when he's not yelling you can bring up the topic of your own willingness, if this is true, to discuss questions he has about your gender. There's no guarantee he won't start yelling midway through a dialogue like this.  Only then you will be on firm ground to excuse yourself from the conversation since you already explained that you're willing to talk with him and not to be yelled at by him. " +I'm very depressed. How do I find someone to talk to?," Great that you realize talking with a professional counselor about how you feel, would be helpful! If you'd like a very fast response by phone, then google ""depression hotline"" for where you live.  And, if you have a specific topic which upsets you then google around with this topic to see if there are services specific to your interest. If you've got time to invest in looking for the best fit therapist for yourself, then google ""therapy' or ""therapist"". There will be many, many names which come up. I know I sound like I work for google only it is the easiest way to find lots of information. I send you good luck! " +What makes a healthy marriage last?," I appreciate your question. The answer of what makes a ""good marriage"" are as varied as there are marriages. Basically, similarity, like mindedness in beliefs and values, makes a good marriage.  The best chance of getting along with someone on a longterm basis is when two people see life and the world in similar ways. Even though ""opposites attract"" this is a short lived dynamic which breaks apart when there aren't enough similarities in common between the partners. " +I'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together?," I'm glad to read about your willingness to develop new ways to invest yourself with your partner. The easier way to fix a relationship is when both people are helped to recognize the ways the couple dynamic falls short of what each person would like. Couples therapy is exactly this. Still, relationships can change if one person changes since changing one part of a system will change the system itself. Besides starting to work with a therapist on what you can do differently, reflect within yourself on the situations when problems arise between the two of you. See if you can figure out what you wanted and what you partner wanted in that particular moment.  Was one of you trying to help the other and the person felt insulted by the suggestion of needing help? This is only an example of how intentions are misread or not welcome by one partner from the other. Also keep in mind there is a limit to everyone's flexibility. Reflecting and self-awareness are the first step. The second step is to know when you've reached the end of possibilities to change yourself and not be accepted for who you are. This raises the question of whether the two of you are far apart in similarities in order to be happy together. Good luck in enjoying the changes you will try to make! " +"My wife and I got separated because I asked about her contact with a male friend of hers. The next day, she kicked me out. She let me move back two days later. Yesterday, she said she wanted a divorce then quickly changed her mind. I asked if the other guy was a factor, but she says it's not my business."," When ""threats"" of leaving, such as what you described in your question (""kicking you out, wanting divorce"") are continuous in your marriage, it can start to erode at the foundation of your relationship, impacting both partners. And, if you're concerned about the influence of another male in the relationship, and are unable to express your concerns or fears to your wife, it's extremely difficult to build a secure functioning relationship.  From the information provided in your question, it seems as if there is some avoidance evident in your relationship. Avoidance of being able to express yourself and have honest communication about your relationship. If your wife is willing, I would recommend seeing a marriage counselor to help you both during this time. Or, for you to talk with an individual therapist, if marriage counseling isn't an option.   " +"I've only been married three months. Every week, we argue about something, and it seems to be getting worse."," One key factor to consider is, are you able to repair after your arguments? It seems from your question that repair is lacking after any disagreement or argument. When couples are able to repair after an argument, they have an opportunity to learn more about each other's needs moving forward.  I'm also curious if you're having the same type of arguments over and over? If you're stuck in a particular pattern, and can start recognizing what happens between you when this pattern happens, then you can start to name it. Once you name it, then you can take a break to cool off and come back to each after your nervous system has had a chance to calm down (about 30 minutes). The key here though is to make sure you have a plan in place - when things are good between you - an agreement between you that when you both start to get escalated, you'll name it or have an agreed upon code word to signal you don't want to continue this cycle, and then agree to cool off and come back together at a later time. That way, when this is enacted during an argument, nobody feels abandoned during the cool off time. Rather, both partners know they will return at a time when they can truly hear each other and hear their needs.  " +"My ex-wife married and used me to have a child. She now uses that child as a pawn. I know my child misses me, but I need to move on and not live in the past. How do I do this? Do I see my child as much as possible or very little? Is it more confusing for the child?"," I am really glad you reached out. When parents get divorced, they still need to figure out how to have relationship so that they can parent their child. We might divorce our partners, however, we don't divorce our children. If anything our children need to know that we are still a stable force in their lives. Unfortunately, in some relationships children get used as a bargaining piece and I am hearing that may be happening in your relationship.  You can move on from the relationship with your ex while still maintaining a relationship with your child. It is possible and it takes both parents to agree to do the right thing by their child. It is important for your children to have some consistency in his or her time with you. For example, if you and your ex don't have a parenting schedule it is something that you want to create so that you can not only decide for you when you will see your child, but your child can know when you will be available just for her. This will lay the foundation for consistency and allow your child to have some security in troubled times. I would highly recommend you sit down with your ex and discuss how you can both be a positive source in your child's life. How you can both be there to help raise her. If this is not a conversation that you can have on your own you might seek out help from the court. There are parenting experts and mediators who might be able to assist you. Remember, in any discussion keep the focus on what is best for your child and you will be moving in the right direction. Best of luck to you! " +I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?," It takes a lot of courage to go to therapy.  I have gone myself as a Counselor and know what that feeling is like. This is normal but hopefully you have become more comfortable with your therapist. This might be something to bring up to your Therapist and openly discuss (scary to do but its ok) this may even relieve some of your anxiety.  If it continues, you may want to consider trying another therapist as this one may not be the best fit for you. " +"I was raped a couple months ago, Since then, along with other unfortunately events that have occurred, I have been having trouble feeling emotions. It's almost as if I'm a sociopath lacking any feeling. What can I do to change this?"," First and foremost, be gentle and patient with yourself. It is normal to feel a range of emotions after a severe trauma including no emotions at all. Try not to push yourself to feel, just notice the lack of emotion you are experiencing right now. Maybe write about your emotions and the lack of them or talk about it with a safe person. Unfortunately recovering from trauma can take time and it's best done at your own pace. If you aren't feeling there may be a reason you aren't feeling. For severe trauma I always recommend working with a trained trauma professional who has the training to guide you on your path to healing fully. " +"I'm always listening to my husband, but it feels like he never listens to me. + +How do I get my husband to listen to me instead of me listening to him all the time?"," Thanks for reaching out. This is a great question. Communication is definitely a 2-way street. One person cannot participate in a discussion. It takes a talker and a listener. Furthermore, communication will breakdown if each party is only focusing on his or her agenda and is not open to what the other person is saying.  since I can't ask you questions about what is going on, I am going to make a guess at one situation that comes up a lot when I work with couples. One person focuses more on solving the issue, than listening to their partner.  This can be frustrating for the partner who wants to just be ""heard."" I understand that you are working really hard to listen to him and he might not be putting as much effort into listening to you. That can be really frustrating and difficult and I want to acknowledge you for wanting to improve your relationship. One of the best strategies to gettting heard, is actually to BE A GOOD LISTENER to someone else. I know you are probably already a good listener and for you to work on listening skills may seem counterintuitive, right? You want to get heard and now you are the one doing the listening. But this can really create more effective communication if you invest time working on doing some active listening in your relationship because then you get to model those skills for your husband and allow him to see what it feels like to be listened to and then you can even teach him some of those skills. In other words, you practice specific techniques that you can use and then teach later on.  Here are some skills for you to use consciously and then you can teach: I believe when we can model these kinds of listening skills, and the other person feels heard, they will be more likely to listen to us. If you don't find that this doesn't spill over in that way, then have a discussion about what you are practicing and that you are learning these skills to be a better listener so you can understand him better. Then explain how it might be helpful if you both tried it. If there is push back from him, set up a trial period to just try the skill, perhaps for 2 weeks and see if it helps. If communication is really breaking down, then it might be time to work with a counselor who can help with these skills. Best of luck to you! " +"I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends. + +I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?"," It's completely understandable that you would have male friends and that you would want to spend time with them.  When you cross over from friends to a relationship, it does change things.  Some people are very easy going and wouldn't feel threatened by what you did  Others would be upset.  If your boyfriend is upset by you spending time with this male friend, then you need to talk about it.  Each of you needs to express your feelings about the situation and listen to the other with patience and respect.  Then you can make a decision on what is best for you and your relationship.  Maybe he wouldn't be upset if you saw this friend while you were with your boyfriend.  Or maybe your boyfriend would feel better if he got to know this person better and could trust him.  Most likely you can come up with a situation that will make both of you comfortable going forward.   You didn't do anything ""wrong"" because it doesn't sound like you intended to hurt your boyfriend.  But if you really care about your boyfriend, then you probably care about making him upset.  Instead of looking at this issue as a problem, try to look at it as an opportunity to connect.  If you can both listen to each other and understand each other, your relationship can become even closer. " +"I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends. + +I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?"," Thank you for submitting this question. I think this type of situation can be common for many couples struggling with how to keep friendships with past relationships while being in a new relationship.  For me, more information is needed here...but given the information provided, the way I interpret the question is...I'm assuming your boyfriend didn't know you were going to spend the weekend with your good friend?   Working off of this assumption, I would suggest beginning an open and honest dialogue with your boyfriend about what specifically upset him? And to talk about your point of view regarding spending the weekend with him. I would also suggest talking about how you both envision your relationship when it comes to spending time with others.  If you feel like you can't have this conversation without it going off track, please consider seeing a couples therapist. They can help you begin these important conversations that can help shape and develop the relationship you and your boyfriend long for.   " +"I crossdress and like to be feminine but I am attracted to women, but yet that seems to bother girls I date or ask out. + +How can I approach them about it? should I hold back and keep it a secret, or should I just be up-front about it. I wonder if i should stop or if I should continue to do it since it makes me happy. What should I do?"," Keep doing the crossdressing since you like it. Your problem sounds more a matter of timing and reason to tell the girl about it. Not keeping a secret is a good attitude regarding meaningful parts of your life.  Usually our relationship partner is someone whom we trust as a safe person to know all about us. Once you feel at ease with your potential partner then bring up your crossdressing.  Based on their handling of this intimate part of your life, you will know more as to whether or not you feel more or less drawn to them. Secrets held within a relationship usually get worse with time.   The person who feels unsafe in truly being and stating themselves eventually will end up feeling ashamed of parts of them which prior to the relationship, felt good or at least not worrisome. " +"I don't know how else to explain it. All I can say is that I feel empty, I feel nothing. How do I stop feeling this way?"," Your question is very broad because feeling empty can develop for many different reasons. You're certainly not alone in feeling this way! Try to follow the logic of your feelings by asking yourself questions about the empty feeling.   Doing this may open up a discovery about the reason for the emptiness feeling. When do you feel empty, are there certain situations it happens more often than another, what helps the feeling go away, what or who is helpful in relieving the empty feeling. Sometimes people need a little help to get started in understanding how to recognize their feelings. Consider a therapist, any disciplined practice which encourages self-knowledge, such as some yoga practices, and a creative discipline like photography or music.  As long as you concentrate on increasing your self-understanding, eventually you'll find the answer to your question! " +"People who are parental figures in my life have, in the past, hurt me, and some continue to do so. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough for my husband or the life he provides me. I have had jobs, but I am going through a lot of my past garbage and trying to figure out when it all went wrong. Any time I bring these things up, I am expected to be over the issue. These are people that you can't just cut out, but I have never received apologies for so much of my pain. I don't know what to do any more. I don't know who I am anymore."," Hello. Adults who come from abusive home histories (physical, emotional, or even psychological), may take a long time to heal from that abuse. We carry our past with us everywhere we go, and it is up to us to find resolutions to past hurts. This is often easier said than done, but it is possible. From the perspective of those with whom you have shared your concerns, it might be assumed that based on where you are in life and who you are now, that you have already worked through any issues from your younger years. Some of our deepest scars in life are indeed invisible and suppressed. We have to get to the place where we can take care of the inner child that is still hurting, by recognizing that those who hurt us - however they did, might have had their own challenges which prevented them from functioning and behaving in ways we might have deeply needed.  Those who have directly hurt you, may not be capable of acknowledging and understanding how you were affected by their actions - even in the worst of cases. They themselves may be doing what they can, either out of shame or heartbreak for their own actions, to work on forgetting how they behaved toward you all those years before. How are they behaving toward you now? Can you find it in your heart to forgive those who have hurt you? Forgiveness is the gift we give ourselves, and isn't dependent on an apology from an offender. By forgiving (even in the absence of any apology), we are releasing the weight of the burden we are carrying that reflects the offense we feel was committed against us. Sometimes therapy can be helpful in this process. Talking with someone who can be non-judgmental and reflects an empathetic position toward you might be what you need right now. Seeking out a therapist to help you work through these negatives feelings and thoughts is much easier, than trying to go it alone. I would encourage you to reach out and find someone who resonates with you on that journey, so that you can begin a path toward healing. Warm regards, Shawn Berthel, M.S., LMHC " +"I've been going through a rough time lately. I been into nothing but women. I've never thought about men until a week ago. I'm very upset and depressed about this. It's not normal to me. I looked at gay porn more than once to prove that I'm not gay. I get the same results each time, and I feel disgust. This is tough on me. I'm scared that I looked too many times. I keep thinking about it and shake all the time."," Hello. Coming to terms with the idea that you might be of a intercourseuality other than the one in which you were socially raised to be, can be emotionally disturbing, and quite unsettling. It creates anxiety, maybe even panic, and leaves us feeling confused and uncertain about our own sense of identity. It becomes important to first ask yourself how you feel when you are thinking of being intimate with guys, or if you desire them to be intimate with you. It is important to know what impact this has on you, because it can determine your level of follow through and desire in pursuing intercourseual activity with someone of the same intercourse. I am not going to pass judgment on you either way - even for having the thoughts. I have worked with the lesbian, gay, biintercourseual, transgender, queer (LGBTQ) community in various ways over the years. Many I speak to, say they had to struggle to come to terms with this awareness about how they see themselves intercourseually. Maybe you are biintercourseual, and don't have an exclusive attraction to the same intercourse. You might consider doing some searches online for community support groups in your area, to explore the feelings and issues around this topic. Talking to someone who you trust can be helpful too. Running from your feelings is not a good idea, and others in a support group for intercourseuality issues, might be able to relate to you and what you're going through right now. This will offer you perspective, as you think on how this plays out in your life. Counselors are typically well trained to provide clinical services to clients who are experiencing feelings and thoughts much like the ones you are having now. I encourage you to consider reaching out for help. You are not crazy or insane for thinking of working with a counselor, nor of having feelings of same intercourse attraction. If you decide you are indeed gay, then know that you are not alone and never will be alone in that feeling. There is a huge community of support for you. Additionally, we all need help sometimes dealing with all sort of issues. A counselor can work more in depth with you to examine the motivations behind the feelings, and help you come to terms with them more directly. I hope that you come to a place where you feel less alone and more secure with yourself as you examine this area of your life. No matter what, do not fear being yourself. Again...you are not alone, I promise. Warm regards, Shawn Berthel, M.S., LMHC " +Every winter I find myself getting sad because of the weather. How can I fight this?," Sometimes its quite literally the lack of sunshine that can affect our mood - in these cases it can be worth experimenting with a sun lamp, to boost your dose of vitamin D, when the sun isn't naturally out. Also consider, what is it that the change in weather, changes in your life? If for example, when its sunny you are an outdoorsy, active person and when the weather changes, you're whole activity level changes along with it, you could explore how to get some of that activity replicated indoors in the winter months. " +I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?,"Therapy can feel very weird to begin with - think about it, how often do we go and tell a relative stranger our deepest, darkest thoughts in the rest of our life? So I think its reasonable to expect a certain level of nerves as you get used to your therapist and to the whole process of talking about yourself and vulnerable topics. That said, its definitely worth bringing to the attention of your therapist (if you haven't already) to see if there is anything that they can do, or that the two of you can explore together, that might make the process feel less intimidating to you." +I need help knowing how to deal with stress. What can I do?, Learn how to meditate. I recommend a Mindful Based Stress Reduction MBSR program. +"I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends. + +I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?"," That is a difficult situation and there is no right or wrong. You both need to discuss it and come up with a solution that works for the both of you. You want to spend time with your friend but your boyfriend  may feel betrayed by you spending quality time with another man you have been intimate with. There may be a way for you both to get your needs met. Maybe you only spend short periods of time with your friend, not a whole weekend. Or you check in with your boyfriend  periodically when you see your friend. It really depends on the two of you. If it becomes too difficult, you may need a neutral party to help you establish appropriate boundaries around this issue. Good luck! " +I'm very depressed. How do I find someone to talk to?," Hang in there! Feeling depressed sucks but talking with someone can really help - so its awesome that you're already trying to figure out how to find that person. Tons of good suggestions already but to add my two cents - you can find therapists in your area and read a little bit about them to find someone you like the sound of via this website, and also via www.psychologytoday.com; if you have health insurance your insurer might be able to make recommendations as to therapists covered by your plan, or if you happen to be in school, the school itself should be able to connect you with either their own counselor or a center that they recommend nearby. Finding someone can take a few calls or a bit of research so if you need some immediate support, or find yourself having thoughts of hurting yourself, you can also call the great folks who run the Suicide crisis line https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org - they are great in moments of crisis. " +"I'm dealing with an illness that will never go away and I feel like my life will never change for the better. I feel alone and that i have no one. + +How can I overcome this pain and learn to be happy alone?"," I'm so sorry you're feeling like things will never get better. Try to remember that whatever illness you are dealing with, you are not the only person to have dealt with it and you are not alone! Out there, just waiting for you, is a group of people that will totally understand what you're going through and will be able to share how they coped. Try searching for a support group for your illness - google and www.psychologytoday.com are both good places to start for those groups. " +I need help knowing how to deal with stress. What can I do?,"Our body reacts to stress typically by breathing more shallowly, increasing our heart rate and tensing our muscles - so one thing that I find really effective is to try to do the opposite of that, which sends the signal to our mind that we are relaxed. So that means, taking slower, fuller breaths and trying to relax any areas where we might be gripping our muscles. Check out meditation apps such as 'Breathe', which can talk you through a relaxing breath exercise. I recommend using the app daily, whether you feel stressed or not, and then also using it when you re feeling particular moments of stress - that way you are practicing the skill when you feel calm(wish) and it'll be ready and able to help you when stress hits hard." +"I am in my early 20s and I still live with my parents because I can't afford to live alone. + +My mother says that if I live under her roof I have to follow her rules. She is trying to control my life. What should I do?"," You're among many millennials who live with their parents due to financial reasons. Does your mother mean rules pertaining to the way your family household organizes its daily or does she mean something else? Every household needs rules as responsibilities to keep the house clean, who does the grocery shopping, the way costs are distributed for this and all the other carrying charges  and tasks of maintaining the house in decent order, as well as respecting the privacy and noise level requests of others who live in the home. This set of responsibilities applies whenever more than one person lives with another person. Have you tried simply telling your mom that you're willing to be a responsible household member and that you prefer to keep the details of the way you live the rest of your life, to yourself? This would show respect to your mom and start the discussion as to the areas of your life you feel deserve privacy and how you would like to handle when your right to run your own life overlaps with any household duties. " +"My ex-wife married and used me to have a child. She now uses that child as a pawn. I know my child misses me, but I need to move on and not live in the past. How do I do this? Do I see my child as much as possible or very little? Is it more confusing for the child?","What are the ways your ex-wife uses your child as a pawn? This answer determines the best ways to handle particular situations. Basically, distinguish that your father relationship to your child lasts has great meaning for your child and as the adult, the responsibility for managing this relationship falls on you. Your relationship to your ex wife took place between two adults and therefore you are only responsible for your own actions to repair the damage done to you. From what you write, you already have a plan in progress to do this by separating yourself as much as possible from contact with the ex. In a way the challenge of keeping active as a parent while also distancing and clearing your emotions of the hurt and betrayal done to you, will establish both a solid relationship with your child and grow more acceptance and self-forgiveness of having been taken advantage of and tricked. " +"I'm concerned about My 12 year old daughter. + +About a month or two ago she started walking on her toes, as well as coloring and writing very messy. This all happened very suddenly. She has never walked on her tiptoes and has always colored and written very neatly. + +Is this something I should be concerned abou? Any advice will help."," Have you asked your daughter why she's doing the behaviors you describe? Often the best way to find out why someone does something is to simply ask them their reason. Her answer will give you some guidance as to next possible steps. If she's pretending to be a fantasy figure or trying to find out how being taller feels, or walking on high heels or some other image then knowing this rules out that she has some unbearable pain in her arch which may require more practical answers such as new shoes or even indicate a medical problem. Ask if she's noticed any change in the way she walks.    Maybe she doesn't know she's doing this and maybe she feels embarrassed to tell you she's doing something a bit odd. Since usually 12 year olds don't color, is it new that she started coloring? Maybe given the fact of messy handwriting, she's in a phase of pretending or reflecting on good times as a young child. Then this becomes the topic of examination. Does she feel insecure about being on the cusp of adolescence? Some of these questions can be asked directly and some are for you to first decide based on what you know of your daughter, which questions and what direction to take in understanding your daughter's motivation.    " +"A few years ago I was making love to my wife when for no known reason I lost my erection, + +Now I'm In my early 30s and my problem has become more and more frequent. This is causing major problems for my ego and it's diminishing my self esteem. This has resulted in ongoing depression and tearing apart my marriage. + +I am devastated and cannot find a cause for these issues. I am very attracted to my wife and want to express it in the bedroom like I used to. + +What could be causing this, and what can I do about it?"," First step always is to do a medical rule out so that you're sure the problem is psychological and emotion based, not a medical condition which requires care and attention. If you are medically clear in the reasons for losing your erection, then reflect on what may be creating a loss in confidence in either who you are and what you're doing with your life, or whether your wife has these sort of problems within herself. Often a problem transfers ownership of who shows it. If you are a sensitive person its possible your erection problem reflects your wife's insecurities and self-doubt.  If she is someone who is reluctant to talk about feeling unsure then in a certain way by you showing a problem, she can avoid looking at herself. There may not be a direct cause such as usually exists in a medical problem. Medicine looks for symptoms to treat. Our emotional lives are much more indirect. If you feel stress at work or are unhappy in the place you live, for example, then your frustration may show up in your intercourse life. Basically, do a broad inward search of your life and what it holds and maybe ask your wife to do the same. You may clear the air within yourselves and between each other so the problem goes away. " +I need help dealing with stress. How can I handle it all and feel less stressed out?," In case you feel some relief to know you're feeling the tone of our times. We live with crumbling of our values which then gives rise to insecurity everywhere.  If someone doesn't know what their values are then its difficult to do anything, and right now everyday we hear uncertainty in what used to be our basic assumptions. You're more normal for noticing and feeling stressed than if you imagine life felt fine the way it is! One road to take is to accept that there are no clear roads forward.  This means to change long term goals into shorter ones. Also, in general the more focused you can be as to your particular wishes, motivations, interests, and people about whom you care, the greater will be your sense of confidence that your personal world is as secure as it can be for right now. And, it helps too to know that nothing lasts forever, eventually all of what is up in the air will start to land in a much more clear way. " +"I know I need to deal with my depression. But I don't know how and I don't want to tell anyone. + +How can I deal with depression without telling anyone?"," It can be really tough to tell someone - anyone - that you're feeling depressed. But finding that supportive person that you can share with is a big part of the battle with depression. Depression thrives on being secret, it seems to grow the more we isolate ourselves and hide it away so I'm with Laura Cassidy, when she suggests finding that professional support person so you can start fighting back against your depression. If that feels like too big a step right now, maybe check out a book or two... I'm a big fan of a book called 'Feeling Good' by Dr. David Burns if you want some practical thoughts on tackling depression and on 'Radical Acceptance' by Tara Brach if you prefer something a little more spiritual. " +"I've been bullied for years and the teachers have done nothing about it. I haven't been diagnosed with depression, but i have been extremely sad for years. + +How can I deal with being bullied at school when the teachers won't help?"," That's a very difficult situation that you are in. But you are not alone. I have several school-aged clients who find little to no assistance from their teachers at their schools regarding bullying. There are a few options that are available to you to help deal with being bullied at school. One option that I would suggest is for you to talk to your support network. Friends and family can sometimes be good sources of support. Another option would be to speak with us about your counselor, if you have one. And third, there are some excellent online sources of support regarding the bullying at school (www.stopbullying.org). " +"A few years ago I was making love to my wife when for no known reason I lost my erection, + +Now I'm In my early 30s and my problem has become more and more frequent. This is causing major problems for my ego and it's diminishing my self esteem. This has resulted in ongoing depression and tearing apart my marriage. + +I am devastated and cannot find a cause for these issues. I am very attracted to my wife and want to express it in the bedroom like I used to. + +What could be causing this, and what can I do about it?","When I'm working with men with this type of situation, I always suggest a medical examination to rule out any type of organic reason for a difficulty in maintaining interaction. In cases where there is no medical reason for the loss of erection, I find that many men have a similar situation in experiencing negative intrusive thinking during lovemaking. My counseling approach for this situation is to incorporate the use of mindful intercourse." +I need help dealing with stress. How can I handle it all and feel less stressed out?," Part of handling stress is making sure that your perception of the stress is accurate. Sometimes stress can seem more than it really is. One thing that I encourage my clients to do is to ask themselves, ""What is this stressor really about?"" Simplifying stress is a key to minimizing stress and leads to feeling less stressed out. " +"I don't know how else to explain it. All I can say is that I feel empty, I feel nothing. How do I stop feeling this way?"," A feeling of emptiness can be from a lack of awareness and acknowledgment for the things, the people, the places that you have in your life. The use of affirmation and gratitudes helps to remind ourselves of all of the aspects of our lives. " +"I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends. + +I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?"," This can be a very complicated situation. The boundaries of relationship include the rules to follow in the relationship. It is important to follow the rules of your relationship  in regards to each person being able to spend time with exes. If you and your boyfriend agree upon a rule about spending time with exes, then there should be no problem.  " +"A few years ago I was making love to my wife when for no known reason I lost my erection, + +Now I'm In my early 30s and my problem has become more and more frequent. This is causing major problems for my ego and it's diminishing my self esteem. This has resulted in ongoing depression and tearing apart my marriage. + +I am devastated and cannot find a cause for these issues. I am very attracted to my wife and want to express it in the bedroom like I used to. + +What could be causing this, and what can I do about it?"," For starters, know that this is a normal experience for many men at some point in their lives. While this can certainly cause some embarrassment, a diminished intercourseual esteem or relationship problems, it is important to know you are not alone. I am going to move forward assuming that you have already checked with a medical professional to rule out any medical problems that may be related to this. Assuming that is the case, for most this happens for two primary reasons. It is either a short term biological shortage of blood flow to the penis. This can be caused my diet, lack of exercise, even stress. Another primary reason for loss of erections are anxiety. Have their been recent relationship issues? Are you feeling as though you aren't satisfied in the bedroom? These are just a few aspects that can cause subconscious anxiety and loss of erection. My suggestion to you would be to seek out a counselor that specializes in intercourseuality that can assist you in moving forward with this.  Best of Luck! " +"My fiancé and I have been together for 3 years and our relationship has always been good. The only issue we had was that he felt like he wasn't getting enough intercourseual attention from me. + +I recently found out he cheated on me with another women. He says he wants his family back but I'm confused on what to do. Is it possible for us to get past the cheating, or should I just move on?"," As a relationship therapist I work with couples all the time that are in the repair phase of their relationship after infidelity. The short answer to this, is not only is it possible to have a satisfying and fullfilling relationship after infidelity, it happens more often that we may know. The current rate of infidelity is high, while it's not important to go into many reasons, it mau be important to know you aren't alone in this! My biggest suggestion for you would be to seek out a professional counselor that specializes in working with couples healing from infidelity. Best of luck! " +Does counseling really do anything that can help people?," Hello. Yes, counseling can be beneficial to many people. One of the effective components to effective therapy, is when the client becomes willing to participate in the counseling. I don't mean just show up and listen to the counselor for 45-50 minutes, but also that the client themselves opens up and shares with the counselor the issues that brought them to counseling in the first place. This requires you to be vulnerable, capable of moving past your protective measures of showing the best of yourself, and allowing the counselor to see the sides of you that likely are not as favorable. Therapy works when you and the counselor engage openly, honestly, and with mutual trust that both of you will work for common goals - your improvement of self. It does take time, and there are no quick fixes (usually), so be prepared to invest in yourself and explore the dark places. You'll thank yourself later, knowing that you are more connected to yourself and might even feel more whole after the process. Be well. " +Does counseling really do anything that can help people?,"I love this question! Some people shy away from counseling because they think since they already talk about how they feel to their relatives or friends they shouldn't need a counselor. However, if you are having a difficult time, counseling can be beneficial in helping you move forward and get your life back on track.  Counseling is not like the kind of talking we do to people we know. For one, your counselor does not have a history with you and has no expectations of how you will act and what you will do. In that way, counselors come to a session without judgement and expectation. This gives you the platform to truly explore your thoughts and feelings. A counselor can also help you understand your motivation and help you integrate your past experiences and recommend coping skills that can help you if you are feeling overwhelmed by your emotions.  Over time, as you work with a counselor you will get feedback and also be able to share new insights. The work you do is based on you and where you are at. Oftentimes, when we talk to friends they bring their own agenda to a conversation, and while they mean well they may offer solutions that work for them and not you. A counselor will help you uncover the solutions that work best for you and help you find the motivation to follow through with your plan. Best of luck to you! " +"I'm dealing with imposter syndrome in graduate school. I know that by all accounts I am a phenomenal graduate student, and that I am well-published. I am well liked by students and faculty alike. And yet I cannot shake the feeling that I'm going to be found out as a fraud. + +How can I get over this feeling?"," It would be very helpful to identify with you eventual pattern where the imposter syndrome is more or less present. Are there specific situations where you've noticed the feelings of ""I'm going to be found out as a fraud"" becoming more strong? It seems that shaking this feeling is very important to you. In my opinion, before shaking that feeling, we need to get closer to it and understand its roots. If you would like to get closer to the feeling, you might consider asking yourself questions such: ""What is the trigger for this feeling? How does it feel in the body? What is the thought process I engage with after noticing this feeling? All the best. Rossana Mag. " +"I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends. + +I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?"," It is not the case of being right or wrong, in my view. If you are asking, I believe you truly care for your boyfriend. It seems like he is having difficulties in establishing trust in this relationship. The ideal would be to come closer to his upsetness and to show him that you are there for him. I hope all goes well. Rossana Mag. " +"I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends. + +I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?"," Ideally you and your boyfriend will reach a balance point where you and your boyfriend are each happy with the level of involvement you have with your former boyfriend. Start w a discussion with your current boyfriend as to what specifically he doesn't like about your friendship with your former boyfriend. It is possible that you can answer his concerns as well he can find out from you more as to what the friendship is all about. As a therapist, I've never seen a former romantic relationship become only a friendship.   As sincere as you may be in your intention to only keep the friendship with the former relationship partner, if  your former boyfriend secretly has romantic feelings for you, then at best, you've got an unclear friendship with this person. The obvious possibility is to socialize together with your current boyfriend and your former one. If neither guy would go for this, then this would show there is an undercurrent of competition for your romantic attention. Basically make your romantic partner's feelings and your own, the major considerations and discuss from this perspective. " +"I'm dealing with imposter syndrome in graduate school. I know that by all accounts I am a phenomenal graduate student, and that I am well-published. I am well liked by students and faculty alike. And yet I cannot shake the feeling that I'm going to be found out as a fraud. + +How can I get over this feeling?"," First step is to remove the label of your behavior as a syndrome and instead understand the reasons for it. ""Imposter syndrome"" sounds like a name someone made up to write a book and have lots of people buy it bc it gives the feeling they know themselves by calling themselves this name. Instead, consider your own unique qualities including your fears of being recognized as adding value to people's lives. If you were told growing up that you're worthless, or if your chosen career goes against family advice and expectations, or if you simply are a shy person, then these would be the starting points to understand your reluctance to believe in yourself. The more you understand yourself and trust the truths you find as to who you are, the less you will feel fraudulent. Good luck in your career work! " +How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client?," From the very beginning of counseling sessions I emphasize that the work will and must end at some point. In counseling there is an arc to the process. A beginning, middle and end.  I am always digging, searching and exploring.  There comes a point where things come to there natural ending. I always leave an opening for continuing counseling in the future. At least as a check in. " +How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client?," There are different reasons why a counselor may seek to terminate with a client and these will each have different processes by which the counselor will come to that decision. Here are a few examples.  The counselor may determine that the client's needs are outside what the counselor is competent to be able to work with. A person may have come to the counselor talking about a particular issue but either when they first met or as counseling progressed, it may become clear that the issue is in fact something different or that there is an additional related issue. If that issue is outside the competence of the counselor, the counselor should look for alternatives, the most common of which would be to terminate and refer. Beyond clinical issues, this could also come up around particular other related facts, such as the culture of the client or linguistic issues. This could also be the choice of the counselor if they know someone that they feel would be a better match for the client's issues.  Another reason for discharge (and possible referral) would be if the relationship does not seem to be a good fit. No counselor is the right person to work with everyone. If the right level of connection is not happening, the counselor will often look first at what they are doing, might talk about it with the client and ultimately will admit that things don't seem to be working to allow the desired therapeutic process to work. A similar process would be followed if the counselor determined that the client might not yet be ready for counseling as evidenced by lack of engagement such as frequent cancellations, not doing any agreed on work between sessions, showing up late or being really guarded in session.  The easiest situation to decide on is when a person has met their counseling goals and have nothing new that they are working on. While this is the easiest one to determine, it is also probably the hardest one for the counselor as they may be like the client in not wanting the relationship to come to an end. However, counselors know that this is part of the process. They will also determine this by regularly reviewing the treatment plan or by sending in the sessions that the work has come to an end. This type of termination maybe final or may be with the intent that the client will return later to address other things that have been identified but for which they are not ready to move into.  All of these (and other) situations involves the counselor being open to the relationship ending, to monitoring how things are going, then engaging in self reflection, possibly talking with the client and then coming to a conclusion on which the counselor  follows through.  " +How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client?," This is a question that is very specific to each person. There are definitely some variables, but I can give you some general ideas for when counseling might end: I'm not sure why you are asking this question, but it is also something that is often discussed at the beginning of treatment. Oftentimes ""discharge goals"" change as treatment progresses because more is known about clients, their goals, changes in their goals, and many other things. Changes are normal, but your counselor probably has discharge goals in mind, at least generally, from the beginning. I strongly encourage you to ask about it! " +How does a person start the counseling process?," Usually people call me by phone, they introduce themselves, we chat for a bit, then we schedule a time for their appointment " +How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client?," Hi there,  There are a number of reasons why a therapeutic relationship might end including, but not limited to the client reaching their goals, the client reaching a place of acceptance where they wish to remain or even a breach within the relationship.  The last aspect should likely be taken to supervision in order to be fully processed.  All of these things could happen, and usually happen organically (again, except for the last example).  Your question, however, was about the counselor ending treatment. This is a bit more difficult and can be very nerve-wracking.  It may be beneficial to take this with you to supervision, as well.  It's important to understand why you feel the need to end or terminate with the client, as well. Do you feel that they would be better suited for another therapist, have they achieved their goals or is it something else? In regular, open-ended sessions, I try to make a point of checking in with the clients fairly frequently. In these check-ins, I use the time to ask the client how they feel about the sessions and if there is anything they wish to focus on more astutely.  I also ask if they have any immediate goals that they would like to prioritize.  In goal-oriented sessions, I check in more frequently to ensure that both the client and I remain focused and, should they wish to shift their focus, that they recognize it is part of my responsibilities to make sure we move back to the desired goal.  Often, especially in longer term therapeutic relationships, we as clinicians can see that the client has reached their goal, however they are apprehensive about ending therapy.  This is actually a great place to go with them; why would they feel unable to handle issues in their external or internal environment without you? Often, having this open discussion can increase empowerment and mastery. That said, it could also highlight other issues which the client may have been apprehensive about going into within therapy and now, as the relationship seems to be ending, feels more confident in bringing these up.  In the case where the relationship is a toxic one, terminating with a client may be the best option for both of you. It's a difficult conversation, but recall that part of the role of the therapist is to model that these discomforts can be managed.  I hope that this brief response can assist you going forward! " +How does a person start the counseling process?," Hello,  There are many ways to approach a counselor and starting the process, however they all start with picking up the phone.  It's most definitely an uncomfortable feeling, but once that first step is taken it is often met with a wave of relief.  My recommendation is always to call and speak with a therapist over the phone before scheduling an appointment. Listening to how they converse, use their tone and inflection, may give you a brief insight to how they will respond to you and increase your comfort right away. You may also discover, rather quickly, that this therapist is not the right match for you. Regardless of how you go about it, I like to remind all people who call, email, text or walk-in, therapists are a bit like pizzas - if you don't like the toppings, send it back! There are hundreds of therapists offering all kinds of styles of therapy - take the time to pick one that suits you.  " +How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client?," There are typically three reasons why therapy is terminated: 1) Client has met therapy goals 2) Client is not progressing  3) Therapist is not a good fit for client In order to properly assess whether therapy is helping and what progress is being made, the therapist needs to have ways of consistently checking in with clients sessions-by-session to determine what is helping, what isn't, and where the client is at in relation to their original therapy goals. When a client has met their goals, that is a good time to end counselling sessions unless the client has new goals or simply wants to check-in periodically to make sure that they are still on track (sometimes referred to as relapse prevention).  When a client is not progressing, and feedback has been taken and attempts have been made to make the therapy more helpful for the client but to no avail, than it is considered unethical to continue to work with the client. In these circumstances, referring out to another therapist who may be a better fit is a good idea. " +"I'm in my late teens and live with my dad. The only time I go out is for my college classes. Sometimes when I see my friends I want to talk with them, but sometimes I won't want to talk to them for days or even weeks. + +Sometimes I feel i'm not worth knowing or i'm never going to do anything right. + +Are they right, am I depressed?"," I'm alway wary of assigning a term to a feeling, as often that term becomes more important than the feeling itself. From the very little that you have written, it is clear that you are going through something that has made you extremely low, affected your self-esteem and motivation, limits your enjoyment of formerly pleasurable activities and affects your feelings of self-worth. All of these are aspects of being depressed, though you can be depressed and still not have ""depression"".  Counseling is definitely a place where you can go and sort out why you have had such a sudden a drastic change to your mood. Sometimes our mood can be effected by changes in our routine, losses or significant disappointments. Talking with someone will not only help you to better understand why you are feeling this way, but they will also help you to ground yourself and learn strategies and tools to help you to manage your mood and strategize for the future.  I do hope that you will reach out. Feeling alone can be harmful over long periods of time, as it can stop us from seeking out the support we need.  " +How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client?," Hello. The end of the counselor/client relationship is one of mutual respect and engagement. Counseling sessions can end for any number of reasons. Among them are the client's inability to make forward progress in therapy; the clinician's inability to help the client (for a variety of reasons); a mutually agreed upon time frame for a number of sessions to be provided; or the financial challenges of the client who decides that they need to put their resources elsewhere. In this last case, a counselor should never cancel sessions with a client simply on the basis of the client's inability to pay. That is traditionally seen as an unethical practice. Other arrangements can be made to provide care to the client, which in itself should be paramount. When the client and therapist decide that services are done, it is best if there is at least one or two more sessions to allow a case file review to occur, and to bring an appropriate psychological sense of closure to the client (and vicariously to the clinician as well, those this is perhaps not as important). This transition gives both a sense of having reached the end of a journey...rather than some abrupt departure from it. (An abrupt ending in therapy can have a varying level of impact both emotionally and psychologically on the client and therapist). Sometimes the closure of therapy is the result of a program of therapy being formally completed, in which there is a mutually known (albeit perhaps approximate) date of when that program will be finished. In this case, the client is likely feeling that impending closure and has time to prepare mentally and emotionally from a place of being the client in therapy, to a place of healing, growth and situational resolution. I have always worked in therapy with the following slogan (if you will), that I learned years ago during graduate school: ""Not every therapist is good for every client, and not every client is good for every therapist."" It is perhaps one of the most important guiding views I hold in working with clients. The therapeutic relationship is driven by mutuality - the desire of the client to get better at living life, and the therapist's desire to truly see the client heal and grow. When there is a block in this process from either side that prevents that synergy from occurring, the relationship that should be established may not be able to form. Or, if already formed, may at some point be unable to move forward. In these instances, referring the client to another type of service or clinician is appropriate. Usually, this can be seen pretty quickly by either party, though sometimes it is not always clear. Ultimately, the client and counselor need to work together to discover if the needs of the client (which is paramount) are being met in the therapeutic engagement with their current counselor, or if other arrangements need to be made to go elsewhere. If both are observant in this process, they can work together to maintain that sacred space and continue to reach the goals that have been set. Eventually, therapy will end, but hopefully based on the client's successful journey to the place where they wanted to go, and thus opening the next chapters of their life to a space that is more whole and brighter. " +How does a person start the counseling process?," Hello. Counseling often begins way before the client ever actually calls the local therapist. There is often a tipping point in the internal struggle that the client experiences, where they can no longer deal with the issues on their own and thus giving the motivation to seek external help. That said, clients usually go seeking therapists based on what their insurance will cover, or what is likely to be more and more the case in the near future...what they are able to pay for out of pocket. That first phone call to a prospective counselor can often feel like torture, but it doesn't have to stay that way. Counselors are well trained to acknowledge the inherent goodness of all clients, and should be able to see and hear the sense of fear in the client of being judged or put down in some way. The counselor you select should be compassionate, caring, able to join with you on your journey to resolving your issues or concerns, and to do so without negative judgment of you as a person of worth. Once you have found a counselor you want to work with, you would then schedule an appointment to meet. That first session is often very low key. There might be some forms for you to complete, which will help the counselor address your concerns and learn a bit more about you. The counselor will typically provide you with what we generally call in the profession a professional disclosure or practice statement. This document (which may be several pages long) usually outlines the counselor's credentials; practice rules; forms of payment; office hours; emergency contact details; and confidentiality guidelines under state and federal law, among other details. All of this benefits you as the client, so that you are well informed and can focus your attention on why you are meeting with the counselor. In the first session, it is absolutely okay to be nervous. Here's a really big secret (which is important to keep in mind as counseling begins): Counselors are often as nervous (if not more) to meet a new client, as the client is to meet their new counselor. It's true. We as professionals are trying to put our best foot forward to impress you with our awesome counseling skills. While simultaneously hiding all the troubling unwanted issues that we ourselves have in our life too, and being worried that we might not know if we can help the client sitting in front of us. What makes it even more challenging, is that counselors are often put on a giant pedestal of perfection by clients (all while we as counselors tend to look at it like we're standing on a three legged stool). This is normal for us when seen from the eyes of the client. Counselors and clients are both human, and we both make mistakes. Coming from that place of understanding, might bring a sense of ease to both the client and the therapist as they seek to work together.  Part of this perception of perfection held by clients toward counselors, is that the skills of the counselor might look like they have all the answers. We honestly do not, plain and simple. Counselors come from life experiences (where they might be farther down on life's road than you); they hold completion of various forms of training; and have advanced education. Yet we are in the end, imperfect beings struggling to help imperfect people. This makes it easier to be compassionate to new clients walking through our door with the hope that we will receive that same compassion in return. Very often, we can find ourselves reflected in our clients' lives with their struggles and can become more effective at helping if we have resolved similar issues in our own life. So as you begin to seek out a therapist, try looking for one who is aware of their own life issues and is actively working on them too. Someone who can meet you where you are at emotionally and can understand your sense of your struggle that you are facing at the present moment. That counselor may be a good example for you as you enter into therapy and build your own strength, and thus begin dealing with the issues more effectively you bring up in therapy. " +"I'm dating this guy, Peter. My friend Jennifer used to date him a while ago, and she's fine with us dating. My ex-boyfriend, Paul, broke up with Jennifer, and she's devastated about it. Peter and I are going through a rough patch in our relationship. All of a sudden, Paul is in ""love"" with me, and he wants me back. I don't know what to do because I can't hurt my friend or my boyfriend, but I think I might Paul again."," Hello. The dynamics of having a romantic relationship with someone is not always clear. Sometimes we jump from one relationship to another without giving ourselves a chance to adjust and grieve for the one we had to leave behind. When you find yourself in a situation where a previous partner is coming back into your life and desires to be with you again, it is important to ask yourself what the motivations are prompting that return. Is the person afraid of being alone? Are they jealous of your current relationship? Do you feel the same way about this returning relationship as you did before it was ended? How long and/or how committed is the current relationship you are in now with your current partner? Does your former partner not like being ""dumped"" and maybe they just want to get back together with you so that they can ""dump"" you instead? Some of these questions you may not be able to answer, and some of them might require your own internal reflection. You likely want to make a good decision, and you also might want to consider who it will impact, and how that will happen. Other friends might be upset at this sudden change, and it could create a strain on your friendship. You will want to carefully consider the value of that friendship before you take any actions that could damage it. Also perhaps think about what led you to end the relationship with your previous partner in the first place. Has there been a change in events or behavior that would cause you to think of a valid reason to give that person a second chance? How it will it impact your current relationship? Going into relationships should be done with reflection, patience, and full awareness. Ultimately you choose who is in your life, so you want to make those choices based on appropriate decision making, and with the ability to protect yourself from harm. No one else can make this choice for you. However, gaining the insight of friends or family can be helpful, as can seeking out the counsel of a therapist. In your heart, you will likely find the right answer. Learn to trust that more, as that is where the core of emotion tends to be when you need it. Use your mind to analyze things, but allow yourself to also feel your way through the situation too. The answer will arrive if you let it. " +"I am in a high stress position for a tech company. I am being overworked and underpaid for my contributions and it is not only giving me anxiety, but also demoralizing. + +What can I do to manage my stress?"," Hello. Workplace stress is one of those areas of living that troubles many people who need an income to survive. The interactions between you and coworkers is a mixed bag, and sorting that out can be difficult. Also, if you are feeling under appreciated and not well paid, this can add bitterness to your lot of emotions. A few questions can be kept in mind as you work through your situation. Do you have the option of talking to your employer about your experiences and feelings with regard to your current work? Do you have local resources that you can use to find different jobs in your field? Do you have connections with employment counselors or agencies that can support you with strategies in dealing with workplace stress? These questions might cause others to bubble up, and could begin a new journey into a new field. While still at your job, what can you do to take care of yourself? Are you taking breaks? Do you eat lunch at the office, or do you go somewhere away from the office to eat? What do you do when you have a few moments to breathe? Understanding that you can indeed find even the smallest strategies useful for self-care, can help bolster your energy and give you some support as you move through the day. Seeking the support of family and friends can be helpful as well. Knowing your personal limits and when to pull back and take a break will give you a chance to recharge your mental and physical energy, thus helping you face the demands of your job.  " +How does a person start the counseling process?," Hi! Great question! My suggestion would be to google therapists in your area.  One great website is called Psychology Today, which is a National site.  You can search for therapists in your zip code and search more specifically for the issue you are seeking support about.  It's a great way to find out if they therapist has a speciality, accepts insurance and whether they offer a free phone consultation. I would then make a list of the ones that may be a good fit and then give them a call!  :)  Hope this helps. Remember you get to ask anything you need to, to determine if someone is a good fit.  Don't be afraid to ask anything!  :)  Best of luck! " +"I crossdress and like to be feminine but I am attracted to women, but yet that seems to bother girls I date or ask out. + +How can I approach them about it? should I hold back and keep it a secret, or should I just be up-front about it. I wonder if i should stop or if I should continue to do it since it makes me happy. What should I do?"," Thanks for asking this question. I think the most important part of what you mentioned was that you do it because it makes you happy. For that reason, I would encourage you to keep doing what makes you happy. As far as telling girls or keeping it a secret, I don't really think that it's necessarily one or the other, at least not the first time that you meet. In other words, one part of your decision-making could be whether it is something that you always want to address in the first date, or perhaps something that you address after you've known each other for a couple of meetings. The answer to that question may also change depending on who you are dating. I would imagine that each person that you are with mainly due to a different decision this was when to disclose this.  It sounds like this is an important part of you, so I would think that if you were going to date someone long-term, you would want them to know about the most important parts of you, including that. I also encourage you to remember that if you meet someone who is not comfortable with this, that does not mean that there is anything wrong with what you are doing, but rather something that the other person is in some way deciding not to continue learning about or choosing to have someone they are dating like to cross-dress. I'd also ask you to consider this: Are the people who you say this to expecting it? My guess is that the answer is probably not. Along with that, Are they going to have questions? I would imagine so. Are you comfortable answering questions? I wonder if you could figure out yourself or with friends (or perhaps even with a therapist) how you would answer these sorts of questions: There could even be ways that you can start the conversation by asking them to be open to listen to you and ask questions about what they are thinking before they make any quick decisions about you or the relationship. I certainly hope that you find the right person for you. I imagine that having this conversation could be stressful, especially considering the idea that you have had some negative reactions in the past. Remember that talking this through with a therapist could be very helpful. " +How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client?," Hopefully both the client and counselor would together decide when to terminate counseling sessions. It's really helpful for the client to leave counseling with a solid sense of what he or she has accomplished in counseling, so it can be a good idea to spend some time acknowledging that in the last session or sessions. Sometimes, however, a client has needs beyond the scope of the counselor's expertise. That's a good time for a conversation about those needs and ideas of  how best to meet them, whether by adding in care with an additional mental health professional or transferring care entirely to a new mental health provider. " +"My daughter seemed to be developing at a normal rate until about the age of 10. She then started to act younger than she is. + +Now she only wants to play with younger kids and she doesn't act her age. I don't know why this is happening. Is this normal?"," Good for you to know your daughter's friendship circles and to notice when these have changed. While friendships are key relationships, they are not the only indicator of someone not developing normally. Is your observation and opinion that your daughter isn't normal based on other factors or just this one? If this is the only factor then start with reflecting on what circumstances may be influencing your daughter to socialize with younger kids. Has she ben ostracized or bullied by her peers and may be retreating to avoid further emotional hurt? Is she keeping up with her school work? Sometimes kids who feel overwhelmed by schoolwork will regress into conditions in which they feel more success and control. Are there family circumstances such as the death of someone with whom your daughter felt close?   Or, is there a new younger sibling in the family or a younger sibling who due to their own circumstance receives more attention than your daughter may wish for herself. Once you've reflected on which areas may be affecting your daughter, gently ask her some questions about her comfort with what you theorize may be the source of the problem. Its also possible that offering her your extra time and interest may increase her sense of self so that she feels secure enough to increase her social time with her age group. " +"After first meeting the client, what is the process that a counselor facilitates?", Great question which I imagine many other people have as well. The therapist will want to know your main source of life discomfort.  In what areas are the problem interactions which you hope will disappear? The therapist is trained to listen for your emotions to your story.   And to open these up to you in a kind and safe way so that you'll start to see your circumstance in a new light in which you feel more of your own authority to handle the troubling conditions. The therapist and you will refine your thinking and theories.    The therapist will ask questions to help you prepare for any stumbling blocks along your way of creating your own new answers to the problem you brought to counseling. I hope you'll enjoy learning and creating new thinking and interacting patterns! +"I am in a high stress position for a tech company. I am being overworked and underpaid for my contributions and it is not only giving me anxiety, but also demoralizing. + +What can I do to manage my stress?"," Recognize your reason for continuing to work for this place. Sometimes ""overworked and underpaid"" is tolerable bc of the valuable learning which the person will take with them when they've decided the time has come for these lessons to end. Or, are you in this place bc it is an easy commute to your home or fits well with other parts of your life such as education or some health related program? As long as you have a good reason to be there, you will feel there is good purpose. If there is no good purpose and every day you wake up to work for a place you can't stand, then its time to look for a new position. " +"My son was diagnosed with autism a few years ago and I stopped working so that I could take care of him. I also was dealing with an abusive relationship (mentally, physically, and emotionally). Now I live like a recluse and I always feel nervous around people. + +How can I feel more comfortable around other people?"," Probably a good portion of living like a recluse was necessary so you had time to rest and recuperate from so much major adjustment in your life. Have you told some of the people in your life about the many changes you've been through?   It is possible people sense something different about you and aren't sure whether to ask or not ask questions. Also, understand what type of qualities you'd like to offer and receive in a friendship.   Given that raising a kid who has autism takes a lot of energy and time, the way you socialize will change. Start with one person whom you're pretty sure would welcome you and whom you would gain by bringing them into your life. As a result of how this interaction goes, how you decide to spend your time together, what you'll discuss, you will know more about yourself and what you require to feel good around other people. Then, you can consider if you're ready to add others into your world. " +What are the basic skills a good counselor needs to have?," To be non-judgemental, know who they themselves are, be able to step forward and ask questions with ease and grace into painful emotional areas. Also to respect human difference in accomplishing basic life tasks and everyday living.  " +How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client?," In my therapy practice the decision to end therapy is mutually made together with the patient. Otherwise, the person can end up with a sense of tremendous rejection and abandonment. The way you'll both know therapy is coming to a close is that the discussion will feel lighter and move easily. The person's mood will be better, they will smile more, sit in their seat in a more relaxed way, look more at ease, take better care of their appearance. One of the ways to end therapy is to gradually decrease the frequency of the sessions. Sometimes people who are in my practice start to come each three weeks, then monthly, then every three months. This gives a sense of security, friendliness, and casualness to the therapy, and de-medicalizes it as though the person was treated for a medical symptom and the symptom stops completely one day. Talk therapy is about life and life problems usually end gradually. I end my therapy in a way which mirrors the life process in which many interaction and situation problems show their effects gradually and show different effects over time. " +How does a person start the counseling process?, Phone or email a counselor whose profile you've read and which feels right for you. Ask to get a feel as to the way the person would handle your problem and work with you. In my practice I offer a phone consult which generally continues for twenty minutes. I feel it is only fair that a prospective patient has a feel for the service they are about to purchase before they can be expected to pay money for a service which may not be to their liking at all. +I don't understand why this is happening. Why do I feel this way?," The first step to answer your question is to reflect on what is going on in your life overall.   If you're in the midst of severe stress, whether within your relationship or effort to establish a relationship, upheaval in family dynamics, some type of significant loss like a job or someone with whom you feel closely attached, then you may simply be creating the solitude which is necessary to better understand and absorb the meaning of these changes. I assume you mean you are by yourself when you are indoors. What you write sounds like you're not happy with this recent urge rather than that you and someone or others are having great and fun times together. One way to encourage yourself to go back outdoors is to connect w a friend or search for an interest within you to develop. This way with either of these, you'd feel a little bit of motivation to join and get more involved with either of these. " +"I'm in my late teens and live with my dad. The only time I go out is for my college classes. Sometimes when I see my friends I want to talk with them, but sometimes I won't want to talk to them for days or even weeks. + +Sometimes I feel i'm not worth knowing or i'm never going to do anything right. + +Are they right, am I depressed?"," The answer to the question of whether or not you're depressed, is less meaningful than what you are doing to feel strong and secure in your life. Otherwise, people shortcut themselves to go deeper in understanding who they are and what they'd like to do with their lives, and accept ""depression"" as though it is their new name. What you write sounds like classic depression. What to do about this feeling is to get closer to yourself in an accepting way.   Assume that what you do in daily living is somehow necessary.  Unless you are doing immoral or illegal actions to other people, to accept your own wishes as truth will open you to appreciate why you do what you do. Make believe you're interesting and find out more about who you are, if you have trouble to start with thinking of yourself as worth understanding. The more you appreciate who you are and your unique strengths, vulnerabilities and fears, the more these will dissolve by what seems on their own. In fact they will disappear bc you are believing in yourself and your ways. Good luck! " +"I'm in my late teens and live with my dad. The only time I go out is for my college classes. Sometimes when I see my friends I want to talk with them, but sometimes I won't want to talk to them for days or even weeks. + +Sometimes I feel i'm not worth knowing or i'm never going to do anything right. + +Are they right, am I depressed?"," Hello. Being a teenager in our society today can cause depression quite easily. We look at the world in which we live, and the doubts we have about being able to make a contribution, or to have value and worth with the people around us, and we begin to internalize those messages of self-worth. If that alone were not enough, you are trying to figure out where you want to go in life, and who you are supposed to be in the world. Teens are faced with pressures of being judged by your peers for how you present yourself; following current fashions; possessing the trendy things; and hanging out with the ""in crowd."" Here's a ""secret"" that might help with most of those issues: Not much of those problems I've just described will really matter as they might seem to right now, in the real world. If you are feeling depression because you feel you lack some of those things that are seen as important by others (like your peers), I can assure you that being someone who is kind; compassionate; understanding of another person's suffering; and the effort you make to be the best person you can become in the world, will far outweigh anything you experienced in your teen years. When we are young, we judge everything based on what our peers have, what they say, the way they dress, who's popular, who's not popular, and for the most of it, all of that is external. So the question becomes, are you trying to fix the feelings on the inside (the internal stuff), with the trappings of all the stuff on the outside (the internal)? That is to say, do you feel that if you had what your friends have, you would be happy and less depressed? Depression is usually a symptom of something much bigger, it is not typically a problem by itself (just as a person who experiences a high temperature may likely have a cold). So fixing the symptom requires looking at the possible causes. In your post, you mentioned that you live with your dad. Are your parents divorced or separated, or has your mom passed away? Either of these circumstances could certainly cause depression. Finding out when you started feeling depressed, might be able to pinpoint the trigger that caused it, which requires looking at when you last felt really happy. It is also important to keep in mind, that as a teenager, your emotions are often being experienced very randomly, and sometimes without cause. It is part of your emotional development, but as you grow older can learn how to manage those emotions better and practice doing things that help you feel better (without causing harm to yourself). Have you tried talking to your dad about your feelings, or maybe another relative if you feel safer doing so? Do you have a friend who is your best friend...someone who is there for you no matter what? If not, there is a service you can use that is a national number for teens to talk with teen peer counselors. They are teens like yourself, but they have some insights that might be helpful. Its called Teen Line (https://teenlineonline.org/). It helped me when I was in my teens, and has helped lots of other teens as well. You might find a place to get some referrals to other local services in your area. If you want are in Washington state and would like to connect with me directly, you call link to me via my profile page. Or perhaps finding a counselor in your local area might be useful. Most towns and cities have some form of low cost counseling. You might also check with your school for assistance. Don't be afraid of not always knowing how you are supposed to feel. Adults don't always have a handle on it either. Being a teenager carries a lot stress, fear, and uncertainty. But you are not alone, and there is help if you reach out for it. I wish for you the very best, and bright future.  " +"I have a relative who is in his twenties. He was in a drug rehabilitation program and got kicked out for using drugs again. No one informed family that he was using drugs again. He subsequently overdosed and was found dead. +Is their accountability of counselors, therapists or the halfway house for not reporting that he had relapsed? Is there a legal case for failing to report?", I am so sorry for your loss.  Generally therapists only have a duty to report self harm to ones self or others if it is expressed to them.  Often times they will not report relapses due to the fact that proper releases were not signed or patient has specifically asked them not to for fear of shaming or failure again.  I understand this may not be the answer you were hoping for.  I would encourage the family to seek therapy themselves for help coping with such a loss.  +"My husband has had issues with alcohol addiction in the past (he'd never admit to this). A while back (3 years ago), I asked him to stop drinking so much, and he agreed. I caught him one night drinking behind my back. I confronted him and he lied, but I told him I knew he was lying because I counted the beers in the fridge and four of them were missing. He admitted and apologized and promised he wouldn't do it again. Lately, my husband has been drinking on and off, but I noticed it was every single night. I didn't like this. For our New Year's resolution, we decided we were going to limit our alcohol consumption. He was on board—no more drinking every night. +The other night, I counted the beers in the fridge just to see if some were missing. It took a couple of days, but tonight, I discovered a few were missing along with a shot of vodka. He was passed out on the couch when I decided to wake him up and confront him (poor timing, but I couldn't wait). I asked him if he'd come to bed with me (when he drinks, he snores and I cannot sleep—it's a dead giveaway he's been drinking). He slurred a bit and said no. I asked if he had been drinking, but he snapped and said no. I went into our room to sleep, leaving him on the couch. +I'm not sure if I'm overreacting or not. I just feel like I'm so honest with him about everything, and I expect the same honesty. He is a good husband in every other regard."," It can be very frustrating being lied to.  The one thing that struck me was the sentence he had a alcohol addiction ""in the past.""  Addiction is not something that comes and goes.  Once you have addict tendencies they are here to stay.  You may be able to fight them off for awhile but the will enviably rear their ugly head again.  Some of the things that we would suggest is taking the access away.  If the alcohol is not conveniently in the house he would have to go seek it out elsewhere.  You can think about it in other terms.  If chocolate cake was your favorite food and you were a diabetic, you would not have chocolate cake lying around all the time because you know you would eventually eat it.  Remember there are no temporary addicts. " +"I have bipolar II disorder, I'm addicted to alcohol and weed, and I'm hopeless. I keep drinking even though it's harming myself and others."," You are not hopeless, as you can see there are many people who care about your well being and believe you can overcome this.  I would suggest that you first get evaluated for your alcohol consumption.  Alcohol is one of the addictions that you may need to seek inpatient treatment for.  If not inpatient then be monitored by a doctor.  Once you are evaluated and or complete inpatient treatment I would suggest you participate in a form of outpatient therapy on a consistent basis.   " +I need to speak to someone about intercourseual addiction and binge eating immediately., There are plenty of online providers within the mental health field that would me more than happy to speak with you immediately.  Many of them provide treatment on a sliding scale fee.  I would google online mental health treatment providers and that should lead you to a list of providers that can help you.  +"Or how to send him somewhere that can help him, something like The Baker Act.", Your dad needs to be aware that he has a problem and be willing to make some changes in order for him to be motivated to stop.  Often times individuals will be forced to stop when they were not ready.  Remember we can not ever make someone do something they do not want to do.  There needs to be at least a little willingness on the other party to make some changes.  I would encourage you to reach out to your family or other loved ones and have a conversation with your dad regarding your concerns.  +"I'm planning to have baby, so I have to quit smoking - but it's hard. Sometimes it's not a physical need, it's mental. + +I cannot help myself from thinking about smoking. What can I do to get rid of this addiction?"," It can be challenging to quite anything once we set our mind to it.  We often crave the things more that we know we can not or should not have.  With that being said I would encourage you to become aware of the chemical dependency part that cigarettes have on your brain and your body.  Then make yourself aware of the mental part the habit part.  Often times people will engage in smoking again just from the mere social aspect of it.  Make yourself aware of these and devise a plan of the things you will do instead of going out on smoke breaks, or the ritual of smoking in the car on on the back porch.  There are plenty of support groups out there to help with this as well.  Smoking cessation is a good resource.   " +"My son was diagnosed with autism a few years ago and I stopped working so that I could take care of him. I also was dealing with an abusive relationship (mentally, physically, and emotionally). Now I live like a recluse and I always feel nervous around people. + +How can I feel more comfortable around other people?", I would look at  getting engaged with a support network of individuals who may also have autistic children.  They will understand some of the things that you are experiencing at home and you may also find someone who feels that same way as you. If you have not sought professional counseling for the abusive relationship I would seek out a therapist who can help you process through it so you do not repeat similar choices in your next relationship.  +"After first meeting the client, what is the process that a counselor facilitates?", A good therapist will discuss what brought you to therapy in the first place and devise a therapy plan with you on some of the things that you may want to work on.  The plan is not set in stone as things may arise during your therapy sessions. You also agree on how often and when you would like to meet.  +How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client?," In the best case scenario, it's a mutual discussion and decision. If not,  I've had the discussion initiated both ways, by me, when I sense the client has gone has far as they want, by lack of interest in accepting or completing homework assignments, missing or cancelling appointments, usually at the last minute, lack of participation during sessions.  Client initiates by asking me pointed questions about why the need for homework assignments,, by forgetting their calendar, or their checkbook :) , by suggesting that we make appointments over longer intervals (once a week to once a month, for example).  I rarely have had to terminate a working relationship--that's why I don't charge for the first visit, so we know if we are a good fit before we start working together.  Then I periodically ask whether the client feels we are making progress, moving in the right direction, talking about the most relevant issues etc. " +"My ex-fiancé (whom I am still seeing) left me because of the pressure from all three of his teenage daughters. They wanted him to try to work it out with their mom (his ex-girlfriend of 20 years). He and I split three months ago, but I have been seeing him pretty regularly despite the fact that he is living back with his ex-girlfriend and kids. He is ""co-existing"" for the kids and fighting all the time with his ex-girlfriend. His daughters don't want their dad with me because my two boys (grown adults and on their own now) had bad reputations and issues with drugs. His daughters say it is embarrassing for him to be with me. He and I had an absolutely amazing relationship and connect on so many levels. He is getting a lot of pressure from his family and his longtime friends to ""do the right thing"" and stay with his ex-girlfriend for the kids. He says he wants me to wait. We were going get married last year. He bought me a $1000 dress, we had invitations made, and everything set up, but then his girls told him they'd never speak to him again if he married me. He says he's trying to mend his relationship with them."," Hello. It seems you are in a set of circumstances that are highly uncomfortable for you. Do you feel those circumstances are healthy? Do you find pleasure being in such a place of uncertainty? Why do you continue to be in this situation? Without meaning to appear that I might be lacking in compassion, you do have the option to leave the connection completely if the harm it is doing is more that the pleasure it brings you. Is there a benefit to being in this relationship? Do you consider this situation to be for your highest good? Is it healthy to be involved in something that is not likely healthy or perhaps could even be seen as dysfunctional? In truth, only you can decide the answers to these very important questions. I would encourage you to think of who benefits by being in this situation, and how you might be able to find happiness in other relationships that are healthier and more positive. In my clinical view based on what I read, this particular relationship does not carry the joy I am sure you want, nor the healthy interactions you would expect in a functional romantic engagement with another person. Beating yourself up about potentially wasting all this time waiting for the other person to come around will not serve a positive purpose. It likely will only lower your self-esteem. There is a time to wait to see how things develop, and a time to move on to other experiences. You are the one to make that choice, but I would encourage you to connect with your inner higher self, for the most clear answer. Chances are, you already know the answer, you just need to embrace it. Getting in touch with a counselor in your area can also help ferret out some of the deeper issues that you might not have felt comfortable expressing here. " +"I was raped a couple months ago, Since then, along with other unfortunately events that have occurred, I have been having trouble feeling emotions. It's almost as if I'm a sociopath lacking any feeling. What can I do to change this?"," You are describing a very legitimate reaction to trauma.  Rape is an aweful experience and I am very sorry that happened to you.  When horrible things happen, people often react in a way that interferes with the ability to live a normal life and function the way they did in the past.  This is very common and the goal is to help you manage the stress caused by dealing with negative events and with help you can regain emotional well-being.  This is especially important if you have had more than one negative thing happen.  Oftentimes, the unconscious reaction is to become numb and avoid all feelings, especially if more than one negative event occurred.   A big part of what causes people trouble are feelings of guilt.  We often blame ourselves when bad things happen. It is actually difficult to comprehend the concept that we don't always have control of what happens in life.  In addition, when you mentioned feeling like a sociopath, it sounded like you feel like your reaction is wrong.  The first thing you can do is realize that your feelings and reactions are o.k., you aren't doing anything wrong, and nothing is wrong with you.   The next step is to start dealing with the impact of these traumatic experiences. Identifying your feelings, and knowing the thoughts and beliefs that are behind those emotions can help you regain your sense of happiness.   Research shows that understanding and expressing those thoughts and feelings can help.  If doesn't sound like you need to do anything to change yourself, but talking to a counselor can be helpful in managing your reaction to a incredibly traumatic experience.   I hope this helps you understand your feelings and can get to a place where you enjoy life.   " +"I'm planning to have baby, so I have to quit smoking - but it's hard. Sometimes it's not a physical need, it's mental. + +I cannot help myself from thinking about smoking. What can I do to get rid of this addiction?"," Quitting smoking can be difficult. It's also true that there is part that is sometimes a physical need and a part that is often connected to emotions in some way. From the way that you wrote this, it sounds like you may have been able to stop smoking physically, but still have cravings. One thing you can do is talk with your primary care physician or OB/GYN about whether there is anything that you can take to help with the cravings. Sometimes that can very helpful. As far as the more emotional or mental piece, these things come to mind: I give you a lot of credit! " +"I'm planning to have baby, so I have to quit smoking - but it's hard. Sometimes it's not a physical need, it's mental. + +I cannot help myself from thinking about smoking. What can I do to get rid of this addiction?"," It is very good news that you realize the risks of smoking cigarettes while pregnant and are willing to stop. Thinking about smoking is a typical and frequent reaction to being without the substance. Be creative with what you know about yourself to distract you when this psychological urge comes up.   My suggestions are to imagine smoking if you find this would relieve the sense of wanting to smoke. Or, do the opposite and remind yourself of all the good reasons to not smoke. Also, since you're planning pregnancy then ask your partner for ideas on how to make the psychological feeling to want to smoke, feel less intense. Another suggestion is that your partner is your texting buddy to stop smoking.   With AA groups, a sponsor is always available for the alcoholic who feels distress about the urge to drink.    Having a trusted and caring person to tell about your problem helps in many situations.  Maybe it will help you to stop smoking. Good luck! " +I'm a teenager and I've been sneaking out of my house at night for a year now. I've been caught several times. I want to stop doing this but I don't know where to start. How do I stop?," Where do you go and what is your reason to go wherever this is? Try to understand these reasons because the answers may give you good guidance as to other ways to get what   it is your trying to reach by sneaking from your home at night. If for example, you're sneaking out because your parents are arguing and you feel hurt by this and want to escape hearing their arguments, then you can come up with other ways to hear less of their arguments. If you sneak out bc your parents restrict your friends or time to socialize with your friends, and your friends are doing legal and safe behaviors, then maybe you could do some socializing online w them. Also, I wonder the reason why either of your parents isn't aware that you leave the house.  Do you feel your parent would offer and would you ask your parent to give their suggestions so you feel more motivated to stay home? " +"I keep having these random thoughts that I don't want. Things like ""you aren't worth anything."" I know they're my own thoughts but it feels like someone else is saying it. + +What is wrong with me, and how can I stop having these thoughts?"," Those  critical thoughts most likely came into your mind as the way you understood what one of your parents or some other adult who was very meaningful to you, at a very young age. When we are too young to distinguish whether what a grown person tells us, feels accurate, we absorb their opinions as our own. Your question shows you've reached the point of emotional maturity to know that your opinion about yourself is not the same as what is inside your emotional brain and stored there since you were too young to know that someone else's opinions are not necessarily your opinions. Nothing is wrong with you, everything is right with you to wonder how to more firmly establish your own point of view. Start the habit to revise any viewpoints about yourself which don't feel true. Then replace these thoughts with better ones which you decide on your own. After a while of doing this you'll either automatically think the more positive thoughts about yourself or at least be in the habit to know that negative viewpoints about you are not necessarily true. " +How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client?," Counseling ends when the client has received the maximum benefit from the therapist. Even if the therapist believes the client is not making progress, the client may feel they are improving and receiving a benefit. And the therapist may see a benefit and the client does not. It is best to have ongoing dialogue with the client to determine when termination is appropriate. " +How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client?," There are several reasons for a counselor to decide to end counseling.  A major reason to end counseling is if the counselor feels that he or she does not have the skills or experience to work with the client.  This may happen during the intake process or after working with the client for some time.  If the clinician feels that the client is not benefitting from the therapy, it is ethical to suggest that the client terminate the therapy.  The process of termination must not injure the client and, if necessary, the clinician may need to refer the client to other treatment modalities.  Another reason to terminate working with a client is if the client needs a higher level of care.  If the client has a crisis or is at risk of hurting himself or someone else, he or she may need a higher level of care.  In this circumstance, the clinician may need to involve outside services such as a crisis unit.  A third reason to terminate with a client is if the clinician feels that he or she cannot remain professional with the client relationship.  For example, if the issues that the client is working on bring up something significant for the clinician and the clinician feels that he is unable to separate that from the professional relationship.  In this instance, the clinician should refer the client to another therapist.  Finally, if the client has reached her goals for therapy and no longer needs treatment, the clinician and client should terminate treatment. " +What are some difficulties that a counselor can encounter when dealing with a client?," Each counselor will have their own list of ""difficulties"" in doing therapy work with a client.  Even if clinically trained similarly, since counselors are human then their response to your question will reflect their unique differences as humans. On my list is when the emotional pain I feel for someone describing some type of injustice or unfair treatment by another, feels very deep. Sometimes I feel like avoiding the pain I feel by asking questions which will steer the conversation away from the painful areas the client talks about. What in fact is necessary to clear out their pain, is to step further into so as to realize their emotional pain isn't greater than who they are. " +Does counseling really do anything that can help people?," Yes, counseling can help people. How this happens is bc the counselor can guide the person or couple into deeper areas of their thoughts and emotions than the person or partners would typically avoid or not even realize they are avoiding. Also, a counseling session offers emotional safety because the therapist will intervene with thoughtful questions if someone's strong emotions overwhelm them. This is different than in everyday circumstances.  When someone feels overwhelmed by their own or someone else's feelings, there is no one who asks reflective questions. Last, people get better in therapy because often therapy is the first time the person has a chance to trust someone with their confidential information and know this information will always be protected. " +"I'm planning to have baby, so I have to quit smoking - but it's hard. Sometimes it's not a physical need, it's mental. + +I cannot help myself from thinking about smoking. What can I do to get rid of this addiction?"," Hopefully you feel you have the time to follow this procedure. 1. For a week - log when you smoke - time, place and activity 2. Plan on cutting back 10% for a week.Cut out the easiest times. 3.Next change the times and and activities for 3 days - consider water or candy or gum if it is very tough.  4. Cut another 10% each week until you are done.  " +How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client?," I will work with clients and continually review progress with them and determine if counseling is helping.  If a client appears to have less to talk about in sessions, appears more stable for a period of time and has reached therapeutic goals I will talk about termination.  Some clients however I may continue with on a monthly or bi monthly process to allow for check-ins to see how they are doing and if they need more help at that time. " +"I am in my early 20s and I still live with my parents because I can't afford to live alone. + +My mother says that if I live under her roof I have to follow her rules. She is trying to control my life. What should I do?"," Hello. It sounds like you and your parents are not balanced in your communication and awareness of expectations. Your growth is not only reflected in your ability to understand and apply new knowledge and skills, it is also reflective of your parents acceptance of your understanding and application. Have you tried talking with your parents to let them know your concerns? This talking is best when face to face and during non active conflict ( can't begin stating rules during an argument, etc). Sometimes it is even helpful to write down ways you feel you can be supported by them and supportive to them. Maybe share this list or reflective piece with them to review, or use when communicating the expectations. Unfortunately, until there are clear expectations stated and expressed, the scale will be uneven and frustrations will increase. Dr. T " +"After first meeting the client, what is the process that a counselor facilitates?"," After meeting a client, many Counselors will ask you lots of questions in order to complete a thorough assessment of what you came to counseling for. This assessment is required by most insurances and allows the Counselor to give a diagnosis, which is also required by most insurances in order for them to pay the Counselor. If you are paying out of pocket, this diagnosis is not really required for payment, but many Counselors will still perform a comprehensive assessment because we really want to know what the issues are that brought you to us. The better we understand what it is that bothers you, what you would like to get out of the counseling, and all the various things that tend to affect people such as family upbringing and medical issues, the easier it is for us to help you reach those goals. How the counseling actually plays out from there depends a lot on the theory that the Counselor uses to direct their approach to counseling, and that information is too much for this little post. " +"I start counseling/therapy in a few days (I'm freaking out) but my main fear is that I'll cry and embarrass myself, is it something to worry about?", Many people cry during their therapy sessions. Actually most people cry in their therapist's office. I tell my clients that it's safe to cry in my office and crying isn't a sign of weakness. It's a normal human response to pain. People actually do more harm to themselves by trying not to cry than by crying. Crying is very cleansing and an important part of the healing process for many people. +How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client?," In general, I usually let the client decide when this should occur, sometimes with some clients it will be a joint agreement, but even in that case it should weigh mostly on what the client feels. In short, therapy ends when you feel your done. C " +"I've been bullied for years and the teachers have done nothing about it. I haven't been diagnosed with depression, but i have been extremely sad for years. + +How can I deal with being bullied at school when the teachers won't help?"," To be bullied is very painful. I'm glad you know the bullies are doing the wrong thing and whatever they are telling you is pure meanness. Depending on how independent you feel, why not tell either your classroom teacher or schedule an appointment with the vice principal? Bullying other students is taken very seriously in some states and schools are expected to address the bullying until the victimized student feels safe. If you hesitate to do this on your own, then would you ask either of your parents or even a friend of yours who is also in the school, to report the problem? In case you are afraid the bullies will retaliate for reporting them, then tell this to whatever school authority you decide to ask for help. You're entitled to be protected by your school. " +I need help knowing how to deal with stress. What can I do?," Something different works for each of us. There are the outward answers of self-pampering and making your home and work environment as pleasant as possible. A deeper level way to decrease stress is through exercise or alternative practices like yoga or tai chi. If the stress is more deeply rooted than temporarily feeling irritated for a few days, then give yourself some time to reflect and clarify what the meaning of the stress is to you. Self-understanding and appreciating your efforts to know yourself may decrease stress because you'll be more focused and attentive to who you are.  This will influence you overall to make good decisions for yourself and these will naturally be ones which decrease stress as much as possible. " +"I've hit my head on walls and floors ever since I was young. I sometimes still do it but I don't exactly know why, + +I have anxiety and I had a rough childhood but now I'll start to hit my head and sometimes not realize it but I don't know how to stop or even why I'm doing it. + +How can I help myself to change my behavior?"," Hello. I have to wonder from a behavioral perspective if what you are doing is useful for you. In other words, does it serve a purpose in some way when you find yourself doing it. Yes, this could well be an expression of anxiety, or maybe some type of coping skill you have developed over the years to deal with stressful situations. Yet it sounds like you have developed a sort of knee-jerk behavioral conditioning that causes you to do this behavior during specific (or perhaps even non-specific) circumstances. Do you think it is a self-soothing behavior? Do you feel good after you have done it? The behavior itself is likely causing some form of slow physical damage, so I would recommend you have yourself checked by a doctor, to rule out any injury. If none exists, this obviously doesn't excuse the behavior, it just says that for the moment luck is on your side. When we do any behavior of any kind, it is good to ask if what we are doing has merit or value. Is the behavior helping us to solve our problem, or is it merely creating yet another problem by doing the behavior in the first place. In the same way that a person might drink excessively because they are stressed and need to cope with some unresolved issue, when they are done drinking the original problem will still likely be there, but now they are intoxicated. No closer to solving the issue. When we deal with things like anxiety or depression, we need to do things that work on dealing with the symptoms, but also get to the root issue that created those feelings and find effective solutions. So the things we do to cope with life events need to not be ones that cause us harm, but rather support us as we move forward and work to deal with what life throws at us. Sometimes seeking support from a friend or a counselor is a good idea. Being given the opportunity to express your feelings about what is going on around you and getting feedback and insight from others is much more effective than actions of self-harm, wouldn't you agree? So I would encourage you to find a counselor or a trusted friend who can help you find positive behaviors you can take to deal with your feelings, as you also work to find the answers to the day to day issues of living a life filled with promise and opportunity. Reach out if you need help...there will likely be a hand there waiting for you. " +Every winter I find myself getting sad because of the weather. How can I fight this?," One theory is that instead of ""fighting"" your feelings, accept your sad feelings and work with them.   Feeling sad may open many doors to reflect and make peace with the source of your sadness. Also, I believe fighting against the natural cycle of rest and hibernation may not even be possible to succeed.   Winter for most creatures is a time of withdrawal and slowdown.  Our bodies and moods are part of nature as well.  Fighting what is part of nature seems like a tiring fight which the person will lose. Last point, there are the winter holidays to break up the dark and cold of winter.   Maybe you can invent some of your own winter celebrations so you'll have a few gatherings to look forward to hosting. " +"I've never been able to talk with my parents. My parents are in their sixties while I am a teenager. I love both of them but not their personalities. I feel that they do not take me seriously whenever I talk about a serious event in my life. If my dad doesn't believe me, then my mom goes along with my dad and acts like she doesn't believe me either. I'm a panintercourseual, but I can't trust my own parents. +I've fought depression and won; however, stress and anxiety are killing me. I feel that my friends don't listen to me. I know they have their own problems, which I do my best to help with. But they don't always try to help me with mine, when I really need them. I feel as if my childhood has been taken from me. I feel as if I have no one whom I can trust."," Life sounds extremely frustrating for you right now. As long as you've reached your conclusion that your parents do not take you seriously when you would like to speak with them on a serious topic, and that you feel unable to trust either of them, then work with your own information. Many people don't know how to listen and aren't trustworthy.  As painful and aggravating as having parents who fit this description, you're better off to honor what you realize than to continue fighting what is not in your hands to change. Since you write about having a similar problem with friends, then maybe this comes about because you pick friends who are similarly unsatisfying to be with as are your parents. The first step out of this dilemma would be to accept how crummy you feel about the way your parents are toward you. If you're able to live with the sadness and resentment of having parents who don't want to know how to understand you, then you'll start to develop a new and more satisfying definition of what you expect from the behaviors of your friends. Trust yourself that what you feel and see is accurate, then it becomes easier to trust and welcome new people who are formatted differently than either your parents or your friends who sound very similar to your parents' ways. " +"My brother has been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and has not been taking his medication. He's been using methamphetamine and alcohol and was found sleeping naked in my step mom driveway in 12 degree weather. + +I was adopted in by his dad (who just passed) and his mother will not Get involved because she's afraid of financial responsibility. + +Do I have the rights to be able to sign my brother into mentalhealth facility?"," The answer depends on what State you live. Since the description you write here is that your brother may be a serious risk to himself and others, it is worth contacting a mental health hotline or one of your local area hospitals and talk to a social worker or other professional level person in their psychiatry department.   Ask the same question you posted here.   Your question is a good one and merits serious follow through. " +"I feel like I am internally screaming all the time. Externally, I am calm, but I have this intense, unidentifiable emotion constantly. I don't feel sad. I don't cry a lot. I feel rather emotionally distant other than the internal screaming. It kind of feels like I'm a caged animal."," It sounds like you are trying to find a label to help you to understand why you are feeling the way you are feeling.  Sometimes there are no labels for how we feel.  Sometimes there is no name for the emotions that we are experiencing. Regardless, you do not have to continue to feel this way, no matter what you call it.  If you are seeking to experience an internal calmness such as your external calmness, you may want to try some mindfulness practices or meditation.  However, being able to get at the root cause of what you are feeling may be what you need to help you release this feeling for the long term.  I recommend seeking support for this to allow this internal screaming to get some air and begin to breathe.  " +How does a person start the counseling process?, The first thing to do is to reflect on what you want to seek counseling. Search online and then set up a phone consultation. A person can find out a lot about a counselor and the services that they offer over the phone. After a consultation then set up an intake questions. The overall goal is to make sure that you are comfortable with the counselor and the services they can offer. +"I keep having these random thoughts that I don't want. Things like ""you aren't worth anything."" I know they're my own thoughts but it feels like someone else is saying it. + +What is wrong with me, and how can I stop having these thoughts?"," First off, there is nothing wrong with you.  In fact, having random thoughts we feel we cannot control is actually quite common and normal.   Sometimes our thoughts think they are protecting us (if we think we aren't worth anything, it won't hurt when we get rejected) but they are actually doing quite the opposite.  They are keeping us ""stuck"" and creating a self-prophization.  (If I think I am not worth anything, I don't have to try, and I will keep proving to myself that I am not worth anything).   There are many techniques to work through and start to change our negative self-talk.  There are actually many self-help workbooks that can help with this as well.   A technique I like to use is meditation or mindfulness.  This can teach us to accept our thoughts (not fight them) and then learn to let them go.  Release the power they have on us.  If we can learn to release these and not ruminate on them, this will give us the space to allow more positive and supportive thoughts to come in.   Mantras can help with this as well (I AM worth a lot, I AM important, I have value).  Saying these to yourself everyday over and over (even if at first you don't believe) can retrain our brains to believe it (and allow us to believe it).  I have even wrote positive mantras to myself in my bathroom mirror so I am forced to look at these throughout the day. Please remember to not be hard on yourself as you begin to attempt to change the automatic thought patterns.  It took a while for you to get where you are and it will take a while for this change to kick in and feel normal.  So allow the process to happen slowly and allow yourself to accept you as the amazing and brave person you are.   " +"I'm a female in my mid 20s. Lately I tend to over drink and I've become a very angry drunk. + +In the past, I have even cheated on my boyfriend while I was under the influence of alcohol. + +But now, even if I don't do anything wrong and don't embarrass myself, I still feel really guilty after a night of drinking. I don't understand why I'm feeling this way. Does this mean I have a problem?", Speaking with a licensed therapist will help you figure out if indeed you have a problem or not.  I would say the first question you should ask yourself is why you are drinking? The second would be why you feel the need to drink in excess? It may be due to a life event or the crowd you are running with.  Either way a therapist will be able to help you through this as you already made the first step in admitting you are having a difficult time.  +My boyfriend is in recovery from drug addiction. We recently got into a fight and he has become very distant. I don't know what to do to fix the relationship.," I would first suggest you sitting down with him and voicing your concerns about how distant he has been, or more importantly you have felt that he is.  This will give clarification to the situation as we need to remember that everyone's perception can be different. Remember that relationships take work and take communication. " +How does a person start the counseling process?, I think it is important that you are able to convey what you are looking for in a therapist even if that changes over time.  You need to look at it like you are interviewing the counselor and that they will be able to provide you with the therapy you need.  To many times we do not know and it ends up not being a good fit and then people are left with a bad experience and do not want to re-engage.  Remembering you are basically hiring someone to help you so I would treat it as such. Do some research and be clear as to why you are coming to therapy and ask questions as how they will be able to help you.  +"My brother has been a heroin addict for years, and he's now in his mid-30s. He has taken from me my mom and my grandparents. He's sick in the head. Now he moved his girlfriend into the house because they both manipulated us. Today, my mom and my brother went toe-to-toe over his girlfriend not helping around the house and always being high. I ended up hitting my brother for getting so close to my mom's face. I feel terrible, but he's always picking his girlfriend over us. Mind you, he tells other girls that he hates his girlfriend, he's single, and she's only living here because he feels bad. We tried kicking them out and everything, but nothing is working. They do nothing to try and help.", I think the best thing for you is to speak with someone on how you can best cope with the situation.  It can be challenging living in a household with someone who is currently addicted.  It is also important that you realize that you can only work on yourself.  Other individuals need to take the same accountability.  Enabling often happens in households with addiction. It can be a challenging environment to live in.   +"I am in my early 20s and I still live with my parents because I can't afford to live alone. + +My mother says that if I live under her roof I have to follow her rules. She is trying to control my life. What should I do?"," Unfortunately I think most of us have heard this, so you are not alone.  If you are still under her roof she has leverage as to what her expectations are while you are living there.  I would consider therapy for the both of you to see if there could be a middle ground that could be agreed upon.  Often times a 3rd party can help with conflict.  If there is no resolution then I would look to get creative in finding a place of your own.  " +"I have three children: a biological daughter, a stepdaughter, and a stepson. I found out my stepdaughter overdosed today. My daughter blames me. I told her to stay out of it. I'm scared of all three kids now. They all blame me for their choices they made. All three have drug addictions. I had a stroke in 2013 so I need to depend on people from now on."," Blaming others is one of our greatest coping mechanisms.  It is not just for addiction, and often we blame the ones closest to us.  You can not stop them from blaming you, you can stop yourself for taking on the burden.  We are all in charge of the choices we make.  No one makes us do something other than our self.  We choose how we internalize and react to situations.  I would find a good therapist who understands family dynamics and addiction to help you cope with your current environment and help you move forward.   " +She's my stepmom. I'm pretty sure she's illegally buying the drugs and hiding them from my dad., I would suggest having a conversation with your dad and then having a conversation as a family with your stepmom.  Usually there are other signs of use that can often be missed.  Be aware of behavior changes and mood swings.  Be supportive and ready to listen often times individuals suffering from addiction will deny use until they are ready for help.  +I recently lost a friend to suicide. I'm smoking marijuana and drinking more to cope with it. How can I handle this better?, First I am so sorry for your loss.  Most people go through the grieving process.  I would get a better understanding of what that process is.  Everyone has their own way of handling loss.  You are taking the first step in realizing that you are having a difficult time coping with it.  I would reach out to a therapist that has experience treatment patients with loss. I would also recognize that drinking and smoking are both substances that will not make depression or depressive thoughts any better.   +"My friend is abusing her prescription medicine. Even though she told me she didn't have any more pills, I found she has prescriptions for anxiety medications.", Your friend needs to admit they have a problem.  If not no matter how many pills you take they will find a way to get more.  It is also a federal offense to take someone else's medication so if you did take it she could have you arrested.  In other instances it can be more dangerous to take medication away than slowly tapering off of them.  Like anything we put into our system our tolerance builds up and can effect us in different ways.  I would listen to her and discuss why she feels that she needs to be on the medications rather than playing bad cop in this situation.  Encourage her to get help and let her know you re there for her.  +"My boyfriend and I recently broke up. One week, we were fine, and the next, he told me he needed space. He completely deleted me out of his life. He does have an opiate addiction. He claimed he was sober, but since we've split, I've heard many lies from him. Could he be using again, and does this addiction affect the mind?"," Studies have proven that addiction affects the brain, there are many coping skills that addicts use to enable their addiction as well.  I would recommend that you speak with someone abut your relationship and your concerns.  Not only so you can have more clarity in the situation but we often tend to gravitate around or toward the same types of individuals.  Being more aware of your relationship will help you in the future when re-engaging in personal relationships.  " +"I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends. + +I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?"," The most important thing to ask yourself here is, ""how did this action affect my relationship, and is it worth the consequences?"" Regardless of your intentions in this action, your boyfriend is uncomfortable with this type of behavior. From here, we can objectively decide if spending time with your previous partner (because that is likely what your boyfriend sees them as) is worth harming the relationship you currently have. It is very rare that a person would be comfortable with their partner spending more than a very little amount of time with their exes. Many times, it just gives the wrong impressions. It is very possible that your partner may believe that since you spend so much time with them, that they are still a contender for the most intimate relationship you have to offer, and truth be told, they kind of are. The best intimate relationships, are friendships first and foremost.  It is also a good thing to consider what you are getting out of the relationship with your ex that you are not getting out of the relationship with your current boyfriend. If you go to this person for emotional support before your boyfriend, then it is very likely you're involved in some ""emotional infidelity"". When we turn to others instead of our partner, it is as if we ""ran into another person's arms"" instead of theirs. No matter who you are, that hurts.  " +"I'm in my late teens and live with my dad. The only time I go out is for my college classes. Sometimes when I see my friends I want to talk with them, but sometimes I won't want to talk to them for days or even weeks. + +Sometimes I feel i'm not worth knowing or i'm never going to do anything right. + +Are they right, am I depressed?"," Although some people managing depression feel sad or ""down"",  it is a possible to have depression without an obvious sad mood.  Many people indicate that they feel numb or flat.  People managing depression often have low motivation. They may stay in bed for long periods of time and only get up for absolutely necessary activities.  People with depression may also feel inappropriate guilt or shame.   If you have been experiencing the symptoms you described for more than two weeks, I recommend that you see a counselor to get a more in-depth evaluation.   The symptoms you are experiencing are typical of depression, and with a bit of support, you could regain energy and improved self-esteem.  The stigma surrounding mental health can make a diagnosis or a label of depression seem scary.  The important thing to remember is that mental health disorders are as important as and as treatable physical health disorders.    Hang in there.  Healing is possible!  " +How does a person start the counseling process?," Approaching a counselor can seem intimidating at first, but most mental health professionals want to help you feel safe and heard.  You can often find counselors using search engines like CounselChat or Psychology Today.  These websites allow you to get to know therapists before you take the next step.  These days, counselors have websites where you can learn even more.  These websites usually have clear instructions for contact.  Typically, you can reach out via phone or email to request a consultation.  During a consultation call, you can ask the therapist questions about their credentials and areas of expertise.  If you feel like you connect, you can schedule a first session where you will tell them more about yourself and why you are seeking therapy.  The thing to remember is that therapists want you to reach out to them, and they are happy to be approached for support.  Good luck!   " +"I just took a job that requires me to travel far away from home. My family and I really need this job. + +People keep telling me I have ""anxiety"" and I'm terrified of having an anxiety attack on the road. This is all new to me. What can I do?"," First of all, congratulations on your new role! Transitions can be challenging, and it sounds like you are experiencing a lot of change.  This would be difficult for many people, and it seems that you have an added layer of challenge.  I recommend visiting a therapist to determine the root cause of your anxiety and working to unravel those causes piece by piece. I know seeing a therapist can be challenging when traveling, and online counseling could be a good solution. In the meantime, here are a few of my favorite anxiety stopping strategies.  1. Grounding Exercises: When you feel your anxiety increasing, take a deep breath and begin things in your room (or where ever you are) that have things in common. For example, name all of the blue things that you can see.  You can also do non-visual grounding exercises like naming all of the hte sports teams you can think of or all of the state capitals.  This will get your mind off of your anxiety and connect you to space.  2. The pretzel: This is a seated pose that will stop any anxiety attack in its tracks.  Start in a seated position and cross your dominate leg over your nondominant leg. Then, stretch your arms out in front of you with the back of your hands facing one another.  Cross your arms in front of each other so that your palms are touching.  Flip your arms into your body.  You will end with your elbows by your side and your hands crossed under your chin.  Close your eyes and take long breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth.  This calming pose will help you get through even the toughest of panic episodes. 3. Bilateral stimulation and visualization: Start in a seated position with your hands placed on your knees. Tap each knee in an alternating pattern. Close your eyes and begin visualizing a peaceful setting. The combination of bilateral stimulation and visualization will help calm your body and mind.  I could go on and on, but these techniques should get you started.  These techniques should help you manage anxiety in a pinch.  Best of luck!  " +I just wanted to get to know one so I can hear about their college experience and the courses they took. I also wanted to know if they enjoy their job and how long they were in school.," Mental Health is an exciting and rewarding field.  I hear you saying that you want to be a psychologist, and that is one path to working in mental health.  You could study psychology, social work or counseling to become a practicing therapist. I am a Licensed Professional Counselor Associate and a Licensed Clinical Addiction Specialist.  I currently provide assessments and supervise several counselors in a large clinic in Asheville.  I also have a private practice online. I studied Sociology and Interpersonal Communication as an undergraduate, and then I received a counseling masters degree.   My master's degree was comprised of several supervised practice courses and theory courses.    I really enjoyed my education, and I find my career equally rewarding and enjoyable. If you are considering working in the field, I recommend emailing several counselors, social workers, and psychologists in your area and setting up an informational interview.  Not everyone you contact will be willing to give you their time, but many may.   This will help you determine which path to therapy may be right for you.  Licensing restrictions and abilities vary state to state and a local practitioner may be able to provide you with a specific list of challenges/triumphs about their particular license and education.    Psychologists are usually PhD level practitioners and require more education to begin.  LCSWs , LPCs and LMFTS can practice with a master's degree.  Best of luck! This is an exciting time.   " +"How do I make myself happy without the people who made me happy? Now that they're gone, I feel sad. It's been two months now but I seem to be unable to stay okay and independent."," Hello. So, someone made you happy but is no longer around? I am sure that feels devastating. As a counselor I usually have to ponder this kind of thought because it lends itself to suggesting that happiness comes from the external, rather than the internal side of a person's life. Happiness is formed within ourselves. All the external trappings of happiness are usually quite fleeting, and temporary. Even relationships fo not last forever. If we get to a place where we are reliant and dependent on those around us to create happiness in our lives, then we lose the opportunities for us to do it ourselves. We are entirely capable of finding ways to be happy. Sometimes this entails working out issues that are holding us back from reaching a place of peace, or resolution to a specific problem. What I would offer to you, is to find ways in which you can develop happiness for yourself. What do you like about your life as it is right now? What can you do to create change in your life to increase your happiness? These kinds of questions can be valuable to you as you seek out ways to make happiness an internal rather than an external event. Mourning the loss of a social connection (in whatever way that occurred), is part of the grieving process, but it is not permanent. It is a path to healing and moving forward. From this, you can seek out new sources of happiness. I encourage you to remember that happiness is independent of the external experience you have in the world. Happiness is an expression of the internal feelings, so that will be the source or the font of positive emotion from which you really draw. If you are lacking in happiness, then it becomes important to examine why that is, and what you can do about it to promote self-care. Seeking out a professional counselor can also be a good option as you move through the grief/loss process and examine the reasons happiness is not in greater supply. I wish you happiness for every day of your life. Best wishes. " +"What am I doing wrong? My wife and I are fighting all the time. What can I do? We don't agree on anything and she usually jumps to conclusions, which are usually wrong on how I feel. She is very family-oriented while all of my family left me on my butt, abused, ignored and messed up with me mentally. I'm not a family-oriented person. I only have two people in my life - my best friend and my wife. + +My mother forced my father out of my life so I do not know who he really is. We've gotten in contact but he just makes comments on how much I look like her when in fact I look more like him. This makes me mad because I don't want to look like my mother. I hate her. All that she did was bring me down and make me homeless, which she was successful at. I need guidance in my life. I don't want to lose my wife but we need to have a space because we usually hit each other and it's not healthy. I'm dying to make our relationship healthy. I've never wanted anything more than this. Please help me. I need your advice."," Hello. It sounds to me like you are carrying an enormous amount of emotional weight, and maybe even an equally enormous amount of guilt and feelings of failure about your marriage. I cannot imagine how challenging this is for you right now. Marriages take lots of work, and often the only examples we tend to have are of those we saw when we were young - good, bad, or indifferent. There are no easy answers to your questions, and I won't presume that my response to you will be the linch-pin that heals all your pain. But I can maybe give some thoughts and reflections. First and foremost, cut yourself some slack. No one is perfect. We fail more often than we succeed, but in the end we learn, and that learning helps us grow. Yes, you're right, the abusive aspects of your marriage are not good, and need to stop. You probably are doing more harm than good in that regard, and this will quickly destroy anything you have in your marriage that is even remotely in your favor. Seeing a therapist for yourself, and then seeing a therapist as a couple is a good approach. You have issues that you need to resolve, that, while they impact your marriage because they are part of the history of your life, they are separate from your marriage in many respects. Joining a marriage support group can also be helpful. You can find these through local counseling resources. Sometimes your local crisis numbers can provide services in your area that can be helpful. If you belong to a religious or spiritual community, then you might see if there is any type of counseling offered for free or at a reduced rate. Sometimes pastoral support is focused on the spiritual side of any issues addressed, so if you feel this is important it might be a viable option for you. Lastly, parents are imperfect. Yep...its true. They had no more of a guaranteed parenting success manual than you do at having chances for a perfect marriage. We limp along and do our best. Having said that, we can still take the best from our past and apply to our future, no matter how small or insignificant it might be for us. The bad stuff serves as lessons of what to avoid, and we are each responsible and accountable for our actions in this life. Both with ourselves, and toward other people. So this becomes a guiding principle in our actions. It may be that you discover that the marriage you are in is not a good fit.  I am sure that remains to be seen, but either way you both must be involved in saving it. If only one of you cares, then 100% of the energy to salvage the marriage rests on the shoulders of one person. That's not fair. So be sure you have a clear understanding from your wife about what she wants, and work to create an amicable solution. All of this said, seek out supportive friends, and actively work to do your part to make the changes you want to see in your life. One way or the other, you will benefit from it. Be well. " +"I am in a high stress position for a tech company. I am being overworked and underpaid for my contributions and it is not only giving me anxiety, but also demoralizing. + +What can I do to manage my stress?","It sounds like you are experiencing burnout and have very little, if no job satisfaction.  There are some aspects of this that are in your control and others that are not.  What type of work do you typically enjoy?  Do you enjoy high stress work? What keeps you in this job? Is there a reason you have stayed?  Is your boss reasonable to have a conversation with?   I recommend a few things.  For one, you may want to have a discussion with your boss about your job duties and see if there is a way to either eliminate some responsibilities or get higher pay.   Another option, if you are unable to have an open conversation, you can start to look at an ideal work situation, what would you like/ be OK with/ absolutely hate about a job. Then possibly try to look for a new job that fits these qualifications.  If you are unable to leave your job, you may want to attempt to balance your work life with more activities that create joy outside of work.  Sometimes that balance can help you tolerate work more.   I recommend that you find a supportive person to talk with and process these frustrations as burnout can lead us to do things we may regret.   " +How does a person start the counseling process?," The easiest way to start the counseling process is to do a little research online. A quick search for the type of counseling you are looking for can be helpful. There are lots of Counselors out there to choose from, so many times you will have to take it a few steps further than that. Check out their website, social media, and any reviews (but remember, people are not always very nice). If you plan on using insurance to pay for at least part of the services, look for one that is in your network. You can find out if someone is in your network by looking for providers on your insurance's website. If your coverage isn't that great and you know you're going to be paying for it all anyway (because you're an all-star and verified your coverage already with the insurance company), then you can really pick any Counselor you want, but working with one that is at least out of network will give you the benefit of having it applied to your deductible. If you have any questions about that process or just want some help in getting your benefits from the insurance company once you've started counseling, Better is a good option. Once you've found a Counselor you think is a good fit for you, normally the best step to take here is to call and schedule your very first appointment. With many Counselors you can now send an email, but a phone call can normally tell you quite a bit about someone and their clinic. Once you're all scheduled, they will either get you to do some paperwork before you come in, or many times they just let you fill it out once you get there. From there, all you have to do is show up! " +I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?," It can be uncomfortable talking to someone about your life in the great detail that is normally necessary for counseling to be beneficial. Since you're already going to counseling, congratulations on taking that big, first, stress-inducing step. Hopefully by now you are starting to feel a little more comfortable with your therapist. It can be helpful to address this big ""elephant in the room"" and talk to your therapist about this. I do my best to help people feel comfortable when they come to counseling, but regardless of how hard we try, sometimes it is just a little hard to get accustomed to. The good news is, the more you keep at it, the more ""normal"" it will become.  " +"I'm in my late teens and live with my dad. The only time I go out is for my college classes. Sometimes when I see my friends I want to talk with them, but sometimes I won't want to talk to them for days or even weeks. + +Sometimes I feel i'm not worth knowing or i'm never going to do anything right. + +Are they right, am I depressed?"," I would not focus on what other people say. Do you feel what you have described impacts your day to day functioning? Try to evaluate how is your self esteem, motivation and self confidence. How about negative thoughts or hopelessness? Any concerns about your grades sliding down? If you answered yes to any questions, may be its time to see a counsellor. " +"I keep having these random thoughts that I don't want. Things like ""you aren't worth anything."" I know they're my own thoughts but it feels like someone else is saying it. + +What is wrong with me, and how can I stop having these thoughts?"," Life is beautiful without unwanted thoughts and stress. With proper strategies and tools it is possible to regain control over your thoughts. I guess you are just having ""thoughts"" and not actually ""hearing voices""? My suggestion is to see a therapist and go from there. " +"I don't remember when the voices in my head started, but I remember Hearing them when I was little. + +I know it's not normal to hear voices that aren't your own. I fight the voices and I want them to stop. They've been here so long and I want them gone. How can I make the voices stop?"," You are right. It is not normal to hear voices that aren't your own but the fact is some people do. In my experience, medication seem to help. It is also important to understand when you hear voices the most - meaning it is important to understand what the triggers are. It is also important to understand when the voices are the least - meaning what helps you deal with the voices better. My clients have reported that their triggers are being in social gathering or around strangers or for some even the TV. Trying to identify your triggers is helpful for some people. Clients have also reported that listening to music, watching TV, being with friend or family helps them deal with their voices. Every individual is different and you need to figure out what works for you and what triggers your voices. My suggestion is to see a therapist / health care provider and then go from there. I hope this helps.   " +"I've hit my head on walls and floors ever since I was young. I sometimes still do it but I don't exactly know why, + +I have anxiety and I had a rough childhood but now I'll start to hit my head and sometimes not realize it but I don't know how to stop or even why I'm doing it. + +How can I help myself to change my behavior?"," Give yourself a lot of empathy and care for having had a rough childhood and realizing that life can be better than how you were treated when growing up. Be patient with yourself too bc lasting change takes time.  Alternatives to hitting your head require constant gentle reminders to do these new behaviors, or if you've discovered a satisfying alternative in one moment, time is required for you to repeat this alternative until it feels natural. Anxiety usually means someone did not feel well understood growing up and was rushed to comply with the wishes of others who were a regular part of their lives. Anxiety lessens as the person starts to know and accept their wishes and needs as valid.  Allow yourself to learn who you truly are in the spirit of accepting whatever you discover about yourself. The behaviors will naturally change with your new understanding and self acceptance. Good luck and enjoy this self discovery project! " +"I know that I need to get past my feelings for this person I fell in love with, but t's so difficult to move on because he showed me feelings I've never felt before. + +I feel like I don't want to be without my genuine love for him, but logically, I know I need to be without him. I can't discuss this with anybody in my life because the conditions surrounding our love are considered ""wrong"" by a lot of people. + +How can I get myself to just move on?"," Love is a deep and nuanced feeling so start to accept that a simple cutting of emotional connection isn't possible. Honor the love you felt for this person.  Acknowledgement of your love feelings will most likely help you find a dignified way to accept them while at the same time slowly developing new ways to live your life in a way which does not include the actual person. Your feelings will always belong to you.  The newly discovered sense of how love feels will be with you and positively influence all your relationships.  There is a benefit to feeling loved even if it is not forever in this lifetime. Also, your partner opened your feelings, the feelings which showed in fact already were within you.  He opened the door and this door belongs to you. I hope you will find ways to appreciate having been loved and to be open that your feelings of being loved are a positive influence in all your relationships. " +How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client?,"For a therapist, deciding to end counseling sessions or terminate working with a client is a thoughtful and intentional decision. One that is not entered into lightly.  While there are many considerations counselors take into account, to help answer this question, I'll offer an example of two areas that counselor's take into consideration when ending counseling sessions: While this question is specific to the counselor, I'd like to also add that a client, at any time, can end counseling. " +How does a person start the counseling process?," Starting the counseling process can be daunting but here are some ways that hopefully help make the process a little less overwhelming.  First, Next,  " +"My son was diagnosed with autism a few years ago and I stopped working so that I could take care of him. I also was dealing with an abusive relationship (mentally, physically, and emotionally). Now I live like a recluse and I always feel nervous around people. + +How can I feel more comfortable around other people?"," It sounds like you have taken on a caretaker role for a while as well as experienced some pretty severe interpersonal trauma.  It makes sense that you would feel nervous around people.  Working through the trauma of an abusive relationship in itself can be a difficult process.  And then to add on the caretaker part can make things even more difficult.   First off, you may want to seek support to work through what you have experienced.  Many cities offer support with survivors of domestic violence and there is a hotline to help with this 888-724-7240 as well as online resources.  Processing the isolation of this relationship as well as working with your son can help to overcome the anxiety related to others.  Accessing autism support networks may be of support as well.  Other parents that will understand your experiences are a good and tend to be safer place to start in attempting to connect to others. Very importantly, go slow and be kind to yourself as you begin to adapt to a new life of allowing others to care for you as you so clearly have for others. " +"I don't remember when the voices in my head started, but I remember Hearing them when I was little. + +I know it's not normal to hear voices that aren't your own. I fight the voices and I want them to stop. They've been here so long and I want them gone. How can I make the voices stop?"," How is your life going overall? Since you hear voices since you were young I wonder whether you mean the thoughts each of us has about what to do, our opinions, including self-criticism and praise. I try to understand how severe a problem these voices are if you've managed to get to a point in life of awareness about the voices. Usually when mental health people hear about voices the immediate thought is you need drugs bc you are psychotic. Since this is going on for a number of years, I wonder if the problem is something different. " +"I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends. + +I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?"," Hello. There are a number of factors playing into this situation. A former romantic partner coming back onto the scene during a current relationship; you spending alone time (and spending the night) with that former partner; and the uneasy feelings experienced by your current partner (boyfriend). Now those are the ones you have openly expressed. There are very likely other issues that prompted this behavior on your part. You ask if you were wrong. It is not a question I will be able to answer, because it is not one I am meant to answer. It is up to you to find that truth. Now, if you are feeling guilty, was it because of some intercourseual engagement occurred when you spent the night? If so, you might want to look at why that happened. Do you feel secure in your current relationship? Is this the relationship you want, or do you want to be with the former boyfriend? Important questions, but ones you need to ask and answer. Odds are, there is something that triggered this event to occur and it becomes a focal point in discovering any unexplored discomfort or other issues with your current boyfriend. Seeking relationship counseling can be effective in sorting this out, so be open to that possibility to help you clarify your thoughts and feelings. Best of luck to you. " +"There is just no communication at all between us. She sleeps constantly all day (not at night). She acts angry and unfocused and stays in her very messy room all the time. The only time she comes out is to eat. + +She has aches and fatigue, weight gain, hair loss and skin problems. She does not look after her health. + +I don't know how to communicate with her. She is not open to any suggestions. How do I get through to her?"," I'm sorry for what sounds like a frustrating situation. For how long has your daughter lived the way you describe and did it start all of a sudden or more gradually come on? What you write sounds like a major depressive disorder and this can start for a variety of reasons and improve in just as many different ways. Start with how you are feeling about the situation.   Ask yourself for how long you will be able to tolerate the way your daughter lives and if you feel any satisfaction in your mother daughter relationship. If she is of legal age, and you don't want her to live with you,  you've tried convincing her to get medical care for its own sake and to more clearly see her emotional and psychological health, and she is unwilling to take care of herself, you can discuss your options with the adult protective services agency in your state. The first step is to know what exactly is her problem so you can decide if its own you are willing to take care of or not. " +I'm 15 and my girlfriend is 14. Am I a pedophile because I'm attracted to her and she's under 18?," You wrote that each of you is under the age of 18.   A 15 year old cannot be a pedophile because you're not an adult. Also, if you mean ""girlfriend"" in a romantic way then this makes sense bc romantic relationships include physical attraction to the other person. " +How does a person start the counseling process?," I always suggest that you find the right fit. You have every right to interview the therapist and ask as many questions as you need. It is our job as a therapist to explain our approach and philosophy. This gives you a good overview of the therapist. Just call and say that you would like to talk to the therapist. Say your interested in the services but unclear about how the process works. From there a seasoned therapist should be proficient in helping to guide you through the process with ease and comfort.  www.lifecounselingorlando.com " +"I am in my early 20s and I still live with my parents because I can't afford to live alone. + +My mother says that if I live under her roof I have to follow her rules. She is trying to control my life. What should I do?"," Unfortunately you seem to have yourself in a double bind. By living with your mom she is not going to stop her attempts at what you perceive as ""controlling"". There is no use in trying to debate or get her to ""see your point"". As long as your there and you personalize her attempts at control, then you will find yourself frustrated and resentful. Try to find an extra job or a roommate so that you can do the natural process of moving on out. www.lifecounselingorlando.com " +"I feel so alone. I have so many people around me, but it seems as they just listen and dont understand. They say it will all be okay, or they don't listen to me st all. Everyone says they are here for me but it doesn't feel like they are. Why do I feel so alone?"," We feel alone because we are not comfortable with being our self. When you find that nobody is around do you feel alone? Your never alone. Once you take the journey to really understand who you are and unconditionally loving all that is you, there will never be an alone moment.  We seek outside of self to fill inside. This is the big lie of the planet. All you need and have ever needed you supply yourself.  www.lifecounselingorlando.com " +"My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 2 years. I've been really sad lately and for the past few months I've realized I'm just way too dependent on him. It makes me really upset to be so dependent on someone else, but I can't help it. I don't even know who I am without him. + +How can I be less dependent on my him?"," From what you write you've got good motivation to change and awareness as to what you'd like to change.  These are very good predictors that you'll be successful in what you'd like to change. Try, the next time you realize you're depending on your bf instead of friends, yourself, to interrupt whatever typical action you'd take. Do something different instead! If when you'd like advice and usually ask your bf, ask a different trusted someone. Or, when you feel lonely, contact a friend or introspect on your own if usually you'd contact your bf. Also, being dependent on a bf is part of a trusting intimate relationship.   Dependency in the sense that you each are reliably available to each other, is a good quality. Only if it seems excessive, such as you're isolating yourself from other close friendships, is dependency on a partner, a problem. " +"My fiancé and I have been together for 3 years and our relationship has always been good. The only issue we had was that he felt like he wasn't getting enough intercourseual attention from me. + +I recently found out he cheated on me with another women. He says he wants his family back but I'm confused on what to do. Is it possible for us to get past the cheating, or should I just move on?"," Definitely yes, it is possible for a couple to trust each other again and become close with each other. Since your trust was broken, your fiancé would need to earn back your belief that he is faithful to you. Do you feel he empathizes with how you felt to find out about his cheating? Before you have this question answered, based on what you write there is a sense of your own doubt as to whether you are with the right partner. Before you and he address regaining your trust, first decide if you'd like to work on this. Ask yourself if the intercourseual attention he felt he wasn't getting from you was bc you're not as interested in him as you imagine or once felt in the past. If each of you sincerely wants to be together, it is possible to talk about your respective needs and help the other person feel safe again with the other. " +"I'm dealing with an illness that will never go away and I feel like my life will never change for the better. I feel alone and that i have no one. + +How can I overcome this pain and learn to be happy alone?"," Is it possible that even though your illness is chronic, that it goes through phases in which you are more comfortable and that it requires less focus from you than at other times? I think the idea of having a lifelong illness is frustrating and can be depressing to think about.   Thoughts are not necessarily the truth of what will actually happen though. Illness makes negative situations look worse so be sure you are concentrating on specific areas of your life and not just assuming they will work out badly because you are ill. One way to be happy alone is to love and appreciate, nurture and be kind to yourself. This frame of mind may generate new answers to find ways of being among other people too. " +"After first meeting the client, what is the process that a counselor facilitates?"," Each counselor may have a different process, so I'm not the end all authority here.  For myself, I review policies and confidentiality concerns with people first and answer any questions they have.  Then I'll let them know I'll be writing a lot in this session and I have an assessment form that I like to get completed, but I want to have a conversation and I'll ask questions as we go.  My first question is usually, ""How do you feel I can best help you today?""  Some people are very at ease and tell me many details.  Others are a bit more reserved and I have to demonstrate more curiosity.   Even people who have been very apprehensive are usually feeling very relaxed by the time the session is over.  Usually, when we get close to end of session time, I'll summarize what I think are the biggest concerns from what I've heard and confirm whether or not the person wants to work on those things.  I also try to give an exercise targetting my biggest concern for them to work on in between sessions.  For instance, a relaxation method if they are very anxious.   Counselors are just humans as well, so it does take a bit of time to really get to know another person.  I always tell people that are apprehensive to give the counselor 3 or 4 sessions to determine if they really connect with them.   I hope that helps,  Allison  " +"I have a fear of something and I want to face that fear to overcome it, but I don't know how. What can I do?"," Your fear may have deeper roots within your sense of who you are, than you realize.   Fears are sometimes irrational so that logic doesn't get rid of them. Think about whether you felt secure and confident as a child.  Also, did any major bad events happen to you with other people or situations when you were growing up? Often these overwhelming situations of childhood stay with us as fears of situations in our adult lives.  If the root of the problem w the fear is from long ago, then probably a therapist who can ask you questions which help you remember upsetting childhood circumstances, may help you to dissolve the current fear. Another possibility is CBT, cognitive behavior therapy which teaches people short term mantras to do something which is safe, say being a passenger in a commercial airplane, which feels frightening to a person. CBT is short term and results are limited to specific fears.   It is a much quicker approach than self-understanding. " +"I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends. + +I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?"," While you can't be responsible for your boyfriend's feelings, relationships do come with expectations.   Both people in a relationship bring their own expectations into it.  These expectations are usually unspoken, but result in conflict as you are experiencing here!  Your boyfriend expects you not to spend the weekend with this guy.  He may expect you not to spend the weekend with any guy at all.  He may expect you to spend every single weekend with him!   You'll have to decide if his expectations are ones you can live with.  Relationships do require some compromise out of concern for our partner, but you get to choose how much you compromise.  We get upset about things that make us feel insecure.  You spending the weekend with an ex makes your boyfriend feel insecure.  That doesn't mean you did anything wrong.  It just means that you have to decide if it's more important for you to maintain your freedom to spend weekends with whomever you wish, or to help your boyfriend feel secure in your relationship.  Good luck!  Hope that helps, Allison  " +"I start counseling/therapy in a few days (I'm freaking out) but my main fear is that I'll cry and embarrass myself, is it something to worry about?"," Lots of people do cry in session, but your therapist won't be uneasy with this.  Crying is a natural response and it also releases toxins, so some might say it's necessary!  Remember that you can be in charge of what you talk about in your session and if there's something that feels too uncomfortable, just say, ""I'm not ready to talk about that.""  Your counselor wants  you to feel at ease and will probably not push you right away to a very uncomfortable place.  As you get to know your therapist, you will feel more relaxed and even not worry so much about how you appear to them.   It's normal to be anxious going into a new situation especially when you might not feel in control of uncomfortable emotions.  Don't give up, go and put your best effort in!  Hope that helps,  Allison  " +"I crossdress and like to be feminine but I am attracted to women, but yet that seems to bother girls I date or ask out. + +How can I approach them about it? should I hold back and keep it a secret, or should I just be up-front about it. I wonder if i should stop or if I should continue to do it since it makes me happy. What should I do?"," While this might not be the first thing you want to discuss when you meet someone, it is important for you to be yourself.  It's better to weed out 10 people who can't accept you to find that one who can.   " +"My fiancé and I come from a strong Christian background but both went off the ""straight and narrow"" once before. He is having a hard time accepting my past, especially that I'm not a virgin. He has a hard time in general accepting himself and others. + +His insecurities are hurting our relationship. How can I help him let go of my past and decide to live in the present?"," You are right that his insecurities are at the root of the issue.  You cannot change that for him.  He will have to do the work to handle those emotions on his own.   What you can do is reassure him in whatever ways possible, but always recognizing that you can't ""fix"" this for him.   When I work with people who struggle with their partner's past experiences, I always frame it like this:  Everything that you've experienced has resulted in you being the person you are today.  The person they claim to love.  If you had not gone through some of those experiences, you would not be in the position you're in now, ready to commit to him and know that you're satisfied with that.   Just as when bad things happen to us, we have to find a way to appreciate the lessons learned your fiance has to accept that you're the person you are today because of what you have gone through.  Celebrate that you have moved through that and have landed in this perfect position with him! Hope that helps,  Allison  " +I'm obsessing about a terrible breakup. Everything is a constant reminder. How do I move on?,"Initially, everything is a reminder because there is a trace of that other person present in everything in your life.  When we lose someone, we're saying goodbye to what we thought our future was going to be.  Accepting that's changed and allowing ourselves to envision a new future is necessary to ""move on"".  Start learning something new or try a new activity that you've always wanted to do.  Find whatever is ""good"" about being out of the relationship and focus on those things.  This can be an exciting time of transformation for you.   As time goes by, you'll add new things in your life that aren't entwined with this relationship and those things will begin to crowd out those things associated with the relationship.   Give yourself a little empathy, no one goes through a breakup without being sad.  It's ok to be sad.  It's even ok to feel devastated.  Loss of a relationship touches a primal need we have to belong.  It makes us feel insecure, unanchored.  In truth, we are ok, safe even.  This experience will open different perspectives for you.  There are lessons you'll take from it that will add another facet to you as a person.  Maybe in time, you'll even appreciate this experience.   I'm sorry you're hurting right now.  Best wishes to you,  Allison  " +"I have PTSD. The side effects are really bad and have impacts on intercourse, anger and my relationships. I even lost my job month ago. + +How can I get my life back?"," It is brave of you to speak out, PTSD is not a joke and it can quickly take a toll on all aspect of life. Please, know that you are not alone and with the right help you can overcome these challenges.  Living with PTSD can be very emotionally exhausting, but you can learn ways to cope with its challenges and find fulfillment in your life again. This means being proactively involved with the process, learning about the problem and positive ways to manage it can be a good start. This can also mean seeking professional help. It is important to address the problem both at the physiological and psychological level, this can mean using medication that is prescribed by a MD to reduce the intensity symptoms and also working with an experienced licensed professional. Having healthy life habits such as good sleep hygiene, healthy diet, staying away from self-medicating with drugs and alcohol, and exercising can help reduce the intensity of the symptoms as well. Please, consult with a licensed professional close to you to get more information on resources you can possibly find helpful to you.  " +"My daughter seemed to be developing at a normal rate until about the age of 10. She then started to act younger than she is. + +Now she only wants to play with younger kids and she doesn't act her age. I don't know why this is happening. Is this normal?","This is certainly an important issue to look into, It is always helpful to speak with the child's pediatrician since they are most familiar with the child's developmental history. Also, children tend to regress behaviorally when facing events and interactions they feel to have no control over, this can be as simple as a loss of a pet, a recent move, death in the family,  and/or as serious as intercourseual abuse, and other things. If you have not spoken to the school that can be a good starting point. " +"I keep having these random thoughts that I don't want. Things like ""you aren't worth anything."" I know they're my own thoughts but it feels like someone else is saying it. + +What is wrong with me, and how can I stop having these thoughts?","Talking to a licensed profession who can discuss this in greater depth can be best.  As a general information, in short, I can say that our thoughts are greatly influenced by our early life experiences. Our thoughts are processed through schemes, these are mental images or templates by which we make meaning of the world around us.  While our upbringing has a great influence on the way we see and interact with the world around us as adults, However, we are not condemned to abide by them for life, in psychotherapy, you learn to change negative schemas with positive ones. Yeah, if you had less than optimal childhood you would have some sort of negative schemas that unconsciously lead to self-sabotage your efforts for success and happiness. The research in the field of interpersonal neurobiology suggests that without conscious awareness and reflective practices we tend to interact with the world by repeating old habits of mind. On the other hand, in psychotherapy you can learn helpful strategies to increase your conscious abilities to stay in control of your mind in the present moment and reduce intrusions of negative mind habits.  Yoga, meditation, and tai chi are also found to increase self-awareness and lessen the intrusions of negative self-judgment on one's psyche.   " +"I just took a job that requires me to travel far away from home. My family and I really need this job. + +People keep telling me I have ""anxiety"" and I'm terrified of having an anxiety attack on the road. This is all new to me. What can I do?"," Bravo, on your success in securing a job and also for being proactive with your need. Starting a new job can be scary and having to travel away from your home and family can make it even more anxiety provoking.  Do allow yourself to be anxious about this new journey, we can be hard on ourselves, think if it was a friend that was turning to you for help, what solutions would you have offered them, but also continue to seek to secure right support as well. Talking to your physician is always a good place to start; your physician can tell you if there are organic influences causing your anxiety that may be out of your control. Additionally, talking to close or compassionate family and friends is always good. It is important that you turn to supportive people at the time of emotional need, talking about our challenges can help break the cycle of anxiety at least momentarily.  Remember, to further your success, it requires a healthy self, if you have supportive relationships relying on and turning to people who can be there without judgment is great. Healthy lifestyle like eating right, sleeping enough, and regular exercise also never fails to help improve overall emotional health.  Additional self-care measures such as repeated relaxation practices can help you become more familiar with your nervous systems reactivity and you can implement strategies to ease anxiety in various situations as it demands. The more resources the better you will be equipped to manage challenges and concerns at the time notice.  You can find a lot from the internet too, use your best judgment as what may not be appropriate for you there are some wonderful apps on most smartphones that can help you learn and practice grounding strategies to ease anxiety.  If you have access to a therapy you find more specific strategies that would best fit your needs. Good luck, wish you a happy journey and much success. " +How does a person start the counseling process?," First, identify the areas that you need help with. What are the issues that are most troubling you? Are these situations creating an impact on your daily routine? Second, do some research as to the type of counselling service you are looking and that would best suit your needs. Are you looking for individual sesssions, couples/family sessions, etc. And research potential therapists in your area that focus their counselling approach on your therapeutic needs.  Third, contact the therapist (most don't answer the phones, so leave a message or send an email). Don't be affraid to ask questions. You want to make sure that this professional is a good ""match"" for you and will work with you at working toward your therapeutic goals (the things you want to address/work on during the sessions). Fourth, have the expectation that, depending on the issues, you will need multiple sessions/appointments with the therapist to really address the issues and work toward your therapeutic goals. It takes strength and courage to reach out for help, but I know you can reach your goals. It takes time, patience, and practice do really address your needs.  Good luck! " +"I love my girlfriend so much. I get an erection even just thinking about her or seeing her. But the two times we tried to have intercourse I couldn't get an erection. We've only had intercourse once and it was a long time ago. + +Why this is happening and what can I do about it?"," I'm sorry to hear of your problem. First step as always when a possible medical explanation exists, go for a urology check up to either your internist or a urologist. Once you know there is no medical reason which would prevent an erection, then we can consider the psychological and emotion based factors. Maybe you're nervous about your intercourseual performance or that your gf may be disappointed in your performance. Men often mistake their own fears of performance failure with the assumption that their partner thinks about intercourse as a performance. Talk with your gf about whatever is on your mind which may inhibit you from enjoying intercourse. The reasons are endless. What matters is to have a heartfelt dialogue with each other. The emotional support which comes through such an intimate conversation may very well be the catalyst for a more relaxed and satisfying approach to intercourse w your gf. " +"I know I need to deal with my depression. But I don't know how and I don't want to tell anyone. + +How can I deal with depression without telling anyone?"," Love yourself more and treat yourself kindly, with empathy and compassion. Usually when people feel depressed they also feel lonely and isolated.  Since at this time you wouldn't want to tell anyone about the way you feel, which includes the possibility that a few of the ones whom you tell would offer you emotional support, give this to yourself. Also consider to make a goal of eventually telling someone whom you are reasonably sure would understand and empathize, about your depression. This will help alleviate the sense of shame, unworthiness and pervasive guilt which often comes along with depression. Sending you good luck! " +My girlfriend just quit drinking and she became really depressed. She told me that she wants to move. What can I do to help her? I want her to stay.," People often have very different values and opinions when they are drinking excessively and when they stop drinking so much. Did the two of you share drinking as an activity?  If yes, then did you stop drinking too? Often when partners meet each other as drinking buddies when one gets sober, the relationship ends.  Once the terms of any relationship changes, one possibility is that it dissolves. The best way to go is to start the conversation of what you genuinely want.  This is the only way she'll really know your thoughts. Ask her to give serious consideration and discussion over at least a few weeks or months, to moving away from you.  This is a fair request since you are in a relationship. If she's changed so much by giving up drinking, which is possible, that she no longer wants to be in relationship to you, then you are better off being without a drinking gf, even if the truth she delivers is a hurtful one. " +"I am in my early 20s and I still live with my parents because I can't afford to live alone. + +My mother says that if I live under her roof I have to follow her rules. She is trying to control my life. What should I do?","Hello. Even though legally you are an adult, it is a matter of courtesy to respect the homes of your parents. As long as you live there, you should be considerate of their needs. At the same time, there should be conversation about what each of you considers appropriate as it pertains to communication between a parent and an adult (even though you are still her offspring). This will require openness, honesty, and a willingness to give from both sides in a respectful way. Healthy boundaries can be established and honored when each is willing to do their part in this new relationship. Your mother knows you are an adult, but has not had as many years of treating you like one. So mentally and emotionally this will take some time for her to adapt. Share your concerns with her, and see if you can come up with a set of rules that you both can honor. It will be a great stepping stone for both of you as you move into this new chapter together as you begin relating a little differently. Reach out for help to a counselor if needed. You don't have to sort this out on your own. And lastly, take good care of yourself in the process. You are moving through some exciting times in your life. The more you can have support as you explore new events, the better you might feel less stressed. Warm regards. " +"Our relationship ended about 7 years ago, but don't know how to let go. How can I get over that person and move on?"," What you're most likely trying to get over is to be attracted to the qualities which you felt attracted to in the person. The problem isn't releasing yourself from the person, per se.   Letting go of a person means separating yourself from the qualities in a partner which you value. Two possibilities exist. Either you continue to feel strongly that the qualities in the past relationship are still meaningful and you'd like to base your next relationship on these qualities. Or, the person had qualities which are no longer relevant or necessary in your life and this is the reason the relationship ended. It is possible that even if you had an adequate exposure to certain qualities in someone that you simply miss the companionship of a relationship. See if you can figure out whether you need the qualities this person gave you or whether you simply like being part of a couple. If you like the particular qualities of your previous parter and these are still relevant to your life, you'll attract a partner who has similar qualities. Basically people attract what they need. The more open you are to attracting what you need in a partner, the more likely your next partner will have these qualities. In this way, you'll get over the particular person and still have the satisfaction to be in a relationship.  " +"My husband and I had our first threesome recently. Everyone was drinking and he was on her more then me. + +He and I talked about it afterwards and it made me feel better, and now I'm craving more of it. But before it gets close to happening I get this empty feeling. Why am I feeling this way?", Because the acrobatics and excitement of intercourse has nothing to do with the meaning of deeper emotional attachment to another person with whom we are in a relationship. Try to distinguish between your feelings of excitement from the novel intercourseual arrangement and what you feel is necessary in order to feel emotionally close and attached to your husband. +"I have PTSD. The side effects are really bad and have impacts on intercourse, anger and my relationships. I even lost my job month ago. + +How can I get my life back?"," Slowly is the rate at which you'll get back your life. Being traumatized means not feeling safe in almost all areas of life. Be patient with yourself as you try to regain trust that people will not harm you and will be sources of satisfaction in your life. It is possible that the trauma in your life requires such great attention on your part to your own inner emotional safety that you are better off with a less intensive job than the one you recently lost. Try to prioritize restoring your emotional and psychological health.  With this as the top area of your attention then you may have an easier time to accept a lesser degree of involvement in your work and relationships. When you feel angry, try to examine if underlying the anger are feelings of stress, fear, insecurity regarding your position in relationship to the person toward whom you feel angry.   Anger is often the surface reaction to more destabilizing emotions like fear and insecurity. Gradually by nurturing and comforting yourself, living at a pace which is uniquely comfortable to what and how much you can handle, you'll regain your trust in both yourself and relating to others. " +"After first meeting the client, what is the process that a counselor facilitates?","There are probably no two therapists alike because first and foremost we are human beings! And...our personalities may somewhat guide how we go about getting to know you, identifying what you would like to be different in your life and developing a plan to get where you would like to be. The very most important thing that will determine a successful outcome is the healthy therapeutic relationship between you and your therapist.  If you don't feel safe, comfortable and ready to work together, then it is likely not a good fit. And that's OK...speak up and the therapist should assist you in finding someone you can readily work with. " +"I'm in my late teens and live with my dad. The only time I go out is for my college classes. Sometimes when I see my friends I want to talk with them, but sometimes I won't want to talk to them for days or even weeks. + +Sometimes I feel i'm not worth knowing or i'm never going to do anything right. + +Are they right, am I depressed?"," If we were in my office together, I would offer that most likely you are feeling somewhat depressed. It's most important for me to impress that you ""don't have to live like this...""  Other helpful information: Have you experienced similar symptoms before?  Anyone in  your family been depressed before?  Based on other physiological signs, like quality of sleep, appetite, energy/motivation, I would present you with some treatment options, one of which would be to consult with a medication management provider to assess your symptoms and provide additional information for you to consider. " +"I know that I need to get past my feelings for this person I fell in love with, but t's so difficult to move on because he showed me feelings I've never felt before. + +I feel like I don't want to be without my genuine love for him, but logically, I know I need to be without him. I can't discuss this with anybody in my life because the conditions surrounding our love are considered ""wrong"" by a lot of people. + +How can I get myself to just move on?"," There is no wrong or right way to define a relationship. I believe each relationship we are in is an opportunity to expand and to know self on a deeper level. We are conditioned to believe that we are not valued, or worth much without the confirmation of others and the world around us.  Give yourself time and try to not go to those who are toxic and enjoy the drama of others lives as s way to avoid looking at themselves.  " +"I want to live with my mom. My dad gets angry and makes me feel like everything is my fault. I still talk to my mom although My dad tells me that I'm no allowed to. I'm scared I will make the wrong decision and that my dad will hate me. + +How do I tell him that I want to live with my mom?"," Yes, from what you wrote, your dad doesn't accept responsibility for the way he feels and blames you for his feelings. I'm glad you recognize he's handling himself less as a grown person and more like a young child. I also understand your hurt and frustration that your father handles himself in a way which shows for now that he is unwilling to respect your wishes. Your decision is not surprising since most people wouldn't want to live with a parent who shows little interest to respect their kids' decisions. In terms of how to tell him your choice, do this in simple and most basic information terms.   ""I've decided for now to live w mom"". I suggest to not offer reasons to him bc he doesn't seem interested in hearing them.   Giving him reasons would likely trigger him to rebut them. If he asks questions, answer them as simply as possible. If and when you feel he is more willing to understand and know you, then you'd feel more free to have genuine dialogue with him. Right now he doesn't seem very ready to handle this. " +"We rent from from my boyfriend's parents. His father drops by unannounced and stays for long periods of time. He lets himself into our home when we aren't there on a daily basis and takes our dogs to his house. He picks up our mail. He has NO boundaries. + +He's an opinionated, rude pushy person. He expects to spend every weekend around us, gives unsolicited advice on child rearing and does not respect our privacy at all. He barges in with no warning. He has a key and lets himself into our house without asking permission. I need help. How do I address this?"," You're expecting reasonable behaviors from your boyfriend's father. Since the father is his, your boyfriend is the person in position to speak directly with his dad about the expectations you and he have of the father. If your boyfriend has a good relationship w his dad, which is not what this sounds like, then great! If your boyfriend has a stressed and tense relationship w his dad, then somehow he needs to develop or be coached and encouraged by the people in his life who truly care about and know him, a way to state the very reasonable standards you describe here. If all else fails, then a new living space is always another possibility!  " +"My dad makes me feel like shit and like I'm worthless. He calls me names and makes me feel depressed. I want to move out because I swear if I stay here, I'm going to lose it. What can I do?"," If you're actually able to afford to move out and support your own life, then this is a reasonable choice. If you're not in such a position and must continue for a while to live w your dad, then emotionally protect yourself from him. Doing so is much more difficult than maybe it sounds. Do you have privacy in your house and can you spend more time in a self-created safe space than around your dad? Also, limit the amount of dialogue you have with him so you don't offer him a chance to feel invited to criticize you. Are there other people who live in the household w you and dad? If yes, then are they similarly called names or are you singled out by him?  What do the other family members do when they hear your dad calling you names? Is it possible the other family members don't realize how hurt and upset you are by your dad's behavior? If yes, then make a project for yourself to tell the other family members that you suffer from your dad's name calling. It is possible the other family members will step in and tell your dad to stop. Not necessarily that he will stop.  Knowing the others support you emotionally and find you credible is helpful on its own. " +"I just took a job that requires me to travel far away from home. My family and I really need this job. + +People keep telling me I have ""anxiety"" and I'm terrified of having an anxiety attack on the road. This is all new to me. What can I do?"," Anxiety or panic attacks can be very frightening.  Here are a few ""tools"" you can use that will help in the short term:  Keeping your mind occupied by listening to books on tape may help;  Counting backwards from 100 in 7's; Naming cities that begin with each letter of the alphabet; Keeping some ice or an ice pack in a cooler beside you, which you may take out and hold in your hand or to your face; Soothing self-talk such as ""This is uncomfortable, but I can handle it"" or ""I've been through this before and can make it through again"".  I recommend that you seek out a Therapist to help you with some long-term solutions to the anxiety.  Additionally, learning to breathe into the abdomen and practicing this daily is another long-term solution.  Yoga and meditation would be great! " +How does a person start the counseling process?," Most counselors are very approachable and many offer a 15 minute chat by phone to allow you to talk about your issue, and to get a feel for the counselor.  If you like what you hear by phone, the next step is to set up a face-to-face meeting. Studies show that the most important element in effective therapy is that you feel a connection with your counselor.  Trust your instincts and if you don't feel comfortable, let him or her know that you don't think it's a good fit.  Many counselors list on websites like Psychology Today and Good Therapy.  Visit these websites to learn more about therapists in your area. " +"I keep having these random thoughts that I don't want. Things like ""you aren't worth anything."" I know they're my own thoughts but it feels like someone else is saying it. + +What is wrong with me, and how can I stop having these thoughts?"," Many people have thoughts like those you describe, and often it feels like someone else is saying it because they are things that may have been said to you when you were very young.  When young children hear negative things about themselves they tend to internalize these negative ideas and to form negative core beliefs.  The good news is we can learn to stop these thoughts and to replace them with healthier thoughts.  The first step is to catch yourself when you are thinking these thoughts, and to stay ""stop!""; then replace it with another thought.  So for instance, maybe you fail a test or get rejected by a romantic interest.  You catch yourself saying ""you aren't worth anything"". Stop this thought, and replace it with ""You didn't do as well on that test as you would have liked.  Let's figure out how you can do better next time.""  Or ""she may not want to go out with you, but someone else will"". So the idea is to develop a voice of a ""friend"", who can tell you the kind of things you would say to your own best friend.  You might also pick up the book, Feeling Good, by David Burns. He gives many tips for how to change Negative Self Talk. " +"I'm planning to have baby, so I have to quit smoking - but it's hard. Sometimes it's not a physical need, it's mental. + +I cannot help myself from thinking about smoking. What can I do to get rid of this addiction?"," Breaking any habit is no easy feat.   Cutting down or cutting out cigarettes is very challenging, and there aren't any one size fits all solutions.  Fortunately, there are a lot of tricks and tools that you can use to stop smoking.  1. Many habits that we have are paired habits. If we do one thing, then we will do the other thing.  Think about the activities that you do when smoking and try to pair those activities with another activity other than smoking.  For instance, many people smoke while they drive.  Consider planning another activity to do while driving. (It might not be driving for you, but you get the idea! :)).  It might be taking a walk instead of smoking on your break at work.   2.  Create distance between you and the habit you are trying to break.  This approach could be used in a variety of different ways.  If you smoke first thing in the morning, consider leaving your cigarettes in a different room in your home.  Walking the extra couple of feet could help you decide not to smoke.   Leave your credit or debit cards at home and carry less emergency cash than a pack of cigarettes.  With this strategy, you are trying to create some distance between you the cigarettes so that you have to jump through extra hoops to get them.   3.  Consider cutting back before cutting out.  If you are smoking 10 cigarettes a day, try smoking 9. Then cut back to 8 and so on.  Having a plan to reduce harm may be more sustainable than cutting things out altogether.  4.  You could also talk to your doctor about the safety of nicotine patches. If you aren't already pregnant, this could be a great resource to help boost your success.   5. Focus on what you are gaining instead of what you are loosing. You may be losing cigarettes, but you are gaining money, health, taste buds, an increased sense of smell, lung capacity, a healthy baby etc.  You could plan small rewards/ treats with the money you save from decreasing cigarette purchases.  I recommend making these purchases small and frequent to keep up the momentum rather than waiting for a big payout a couple of months down the road.   Good luck! Cutting out cigarettes will be good for you and your baby.   " +"I am in a high stress position for a tech company. I am being overworked and underpaid for my contributions and it is not only giving me anxiety, but also demoralizing. + +What can I do to manage my stress?"," Being in this position is tough. If seeking another career opportunity isn't viable, there are a couple of things you can do to manage stress on the job.   1. Have a ritual to begin the day:  Consider setting a one sentence intention and plan tasks for the day 2. Take the breaks you are offered. I know it can be difficult to step away from your desk to eat lunch or take 10-minute breaks during the day, but prioritize this if you can. Sometimes 30 minutes of downtime and fresh air can help you feel better.  3.  Have a ritual to end the day:  If you commute by car consider an end of the day playlist.  Take a walk. Light a candle.  Clear your desk and write tasks for the next day. Whatever it is, send a signal to your brain that it is time to end the day. 4. If you do work from home or are expected to be available after hours, set boundaries where you can.  Set a timer for answering emails and stick to that.  Have phone free meals.    Try to engage in activities that are rejuvenating like spending time the friends and family.   5. Try to limit alcohol/ drugs.  Move as much as you can.  Get outside in natural sunlight.   These are just ideas/ suggestions.  Even doing one of these things could be a step in the right direction.  Best of luck!  " +"I'm dealing with imposter syndrome in graduate school. I know that by all accounts I am a phenomenal graduate student, and that I am well-published. I am well liked by students and faculty alike. And yet I cannot shake the feeling that I'm going to be found out as a fraud. + +How can I get over this feeling?"," It sounds like you are on the right track. Recognizing these nagging thoughts of self- doubt as ""imposter syndrome"" is a huge step in the right direction.  From what you have written here, it appears that you are able to challenge your own thoughts and provide yourself with evidence that counteracts the imposter syndrome.   Continuing to remind yourself of what you have accomplished and looking at the facts at hand can help diminish doubt.  Remember, many successful people battled imposter syndrome on the way to the top (and still manage it).  It might be helpful to read some of their stories so that you don't feel alone.  ""The Cut"" has a great article on ""25 Famous Women on Imposter-Syndrome and Self-Doubt"".   Business Insider has a great article about men and the imposter syndrome too.   Remember, if you jumped through all of the hoops to get into school and get published-- you belong.  " +I just feel sad all the time and I don't like anyone in my family. I feel like they're trying to control me and won't let me grow.," Understandably the idea of someone who tries to control you, is good reason to feel sad. Your feelings sound like they are very strong and meaningful in your life. Keep in mind that your feelings about others has more to do with one's own self-view than with what the other person is actually doing. Unless the people in your family are actually interrupting and impeding your life in practical ways or by intimidation or other verbal ways to inhibit you, then there is a great chance your feelings of being controlled by other family members has more to do with your fears to be who you are than with any family members' actions. " +I don't know how to tell someone how I feel about them. How can I get better at expressing how I feel?," ""Practice makes perfect""! Simply by expressing yourself and listening to if others listen and understand you, then modifying your next try with whatever improvements you think of based on the impressions you feel others have of you, will progress your self-expression. Also, one way to lessen the tension before speaking to someone is to tell them you feel unsure on how best to express yourself.  This way you've prepared them to be patient with whatever words you do state. " +"My mother is combative with me when I say I don't want to talk with her about my depression. + +She hasn't been supportive of me in the past and she isn't someone that I feel comfortable opening up to. She constantly tries to instigate conversations where she asks me questions that I don't want to or can't answer. I tell her I don't want to talk and she starts arguments with me. + +How can I get her to understand?"," Your situation sounds extremely frustrating. You're doing the right move to state you don't want to discuss your depression with her. I guess you could ask if she would like to know your reason to not speak w her about your depression.  If you feel she can handle a reasonable conversation, and you would like to tell her your true reason, then schedule this or bring up the topic at a neutral time, not in the middle of an argument. Having an unsupportive mom is difficult enough to accept.  You may feel greater success and peach of mind to meditate on accepting her lack of understanding than to engage in arguing when she starts this. " +"I am in my early 20s and I still live with my parents because I can't afford to live alone. + +My mother says that if I live under her roof I have to follow her rules. She is trying to control my life. What should I do?"," Hi!   I'm sorry you are having such a tough time with this situation.  I have worked with a number of young adults in their 20's who have had to move back home after college , or even stay at home through the college years.  Bottom line is that either way , it is so difficult when you are trying to discover who you are and what you want your life to be , to have to live at home.   I have even heard much older adults clients  say that when they visit their childhood home , they suddenly feel like a ""kid"" again .  The old dynamics between adults and their parents and siblings can pop right up as if they have gone back in time and are no longer adults ! I would suggest that you approach your mom and say something like ""I am hoping we can talk about the best way for us to manage me living here.  I really appreciate that you are giving me a place to live until I get on my feet , and I want to be respectful of you and our home ; at the same time , though, I feel like it's important for me to have more independence than when I was younger because I am growing up and trying to learn more about myself and become more autonomous. Can we talk about what might be fair rules that we can  both live with ?""  If she is receptive , maybe you can each write a separate list of what you think would be fair and reasonable and then compare lists and try to make compromises and come up with a list of ""guidleines"" that feel fair to you both .   If this is too hard to do alone , perhaps you and your mom can meet with a therapist a few times who can help you to come  up with some kind of ""compromise contract.""   This is not an easy situation , but if you can approach your mom in a calm and ""mature"" way and suggest a planned, structured discussion that doesn't take place in the heat of the moment , your mom may be impressed by your maturity and even more receptive to working out some rules that you can both live with. Good luck !! Elissa Gross " +"My daughter seemed to be developing at a normal rate until about the age of 10. She then started to act younger than she is. + +Now she only wants to play with younger kids and she doesn't act her age. I don't know why this is happening. Is this normal?"," Hello. It sounds like you are really concerned about your daughter because you have noticed a significant change in her behavior .   It's really a great first step that you are reaching out to get some ideas about what might be going on .  You are clearly an observant and hands on  mom who wants to be sure that her daughter is ok. This is a tough question to answer without more information .  With that said , I have found that ""under stress people regress.""  In other words , many people , children and adults alike , often regress and behave differently - as if they were younger than their actual age - when under stress .   Therefore , my first question would be : has anything been happening recently that is causing your daughter stress ?  This could be anything from conflict at home , recent changes such as moving , divorce , a loss of some kind , switching schools , or losing a friend or friends .   Additionally , sometimes if children are feeling bullied or left out by same age peers , they may gravitate toward younger playmates as a way to boost their social confidence .    I would suggest that you think about what stressors / changes may have occurred recently.  You may also want to check in with her teacher (s) to see if they have noticed any changes in your daughter's behavior at school . I also think that you can have a conversation with your daughter in order to see if you can get a sense about whether or not something has been bothering her.  Something as simple as "" I have noticed that you aren't spending time with the friends you used to hang out with ; it seems like you have been playing with a lot of younger kids lately .  Am I right about that ? "" and then if she says yes you might ask a few questions such as : ""did something happen with your friends that  is making you not want to be with them?"" ""Has something been bothering you lately ? Are you feeling upset or worried ? ""  If she denies that there is anything wrong you might even say "" I know that sometimes when I feel stressed or worried , I tend to act a little differently - sometimes I withdraw from my regular group of friends , or I get cranky and feel less like myself .  I wonder if something like that is happening with you ?""  If you are really concerned and not getting any answers from her and / or her teachers , perhaps you can consult with a therapist to discuss your concerns further and decide if it might  help for your daughter to talk to a therapist a few times , or at the very least you can get more specific tips from a therapist about how to approach this issue with your daughter more effectively . The more detail you can provide about what you have noticed with your daughter , including any changes or new stressors ,  any possible patterns to this behavior , if school has become more difficult socially and or academically , the more a therapist can guide you about how best to handle your concerns and talk with your daughter in a way that is helpful to her.  Good luck!   I believe that this may just be a phase and it seems to me to be well within the normal range of children's behavior.  I do, though, think that you will feel more assured about this  if you can get to the bottom of what's going on .   " +"After first meeting the client, what is the process that a counselor facilitates?"," Hi.  This is an excellent question !   I think that the answer probably varies depending upon the particular therapist .  In my work with people , once we have met and I have gotten an idea of the person'a concerns and the issues they want help with , I spend the next few sessions gathering as much history and as much information about the client's current concerns in order to formulate some ideas about what may be causing distress .  I would then share my thoughts with the client to see if they feel I am understanding them and on the right track.  We would then discuss the best plan to address the client's concerns .  Usually I will suggest strategies that I think may be helpful and ask the client for feedback about whether or not they think my suggestions feel helpful .   I always encourage clients to be really honest with me about this.  I tell them that I would hate for them to agree to try things that they know they won't try just to avoid ""hurting my feelings"" or ""offending me.""  I want to be helpful and while I have the expertise as far as typically helpful  strategies, I really like to work collaboratively and have clients tell me what they do and don't like / agree with or not agree with when I share my thoughts about a treatment plan .  We the   work together to come up with a plan that will be helpful , but also realistic and then revise it and try new things if necessary as we go along.   If things aren't improving , I am very happy and willing to try something new !  I hope this is helpful for you !  " +"I start counseling/therapy in a few days (I'm freaking out) but my main fear is that I'll cry and embarrass myself, is it something to worry about?"," Hi there !  As someone who has practiced as a clinical psychologist for 25 years , I would say that crying is NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT AT ALL ! Almost every single person I have worked with has cried at one point or another.  Starting therapy takes a lot of courage; when you work with a therapist ,once you feel safe ,  you talk about a lot of very private and potentially emotional things that you may have never discussed with anyone before.  I have seen  people cry with sadness , cry with relief at releasing painful things they have held onto for a long time, cry because they feel so relieved that they finally feel heard.   I myself have sometimes cried with clients because some things they talk about are so profoundly moving.    I can assure you that most , if not all , therapists expect clients to cry  and there is nothing to be embarrassed about.   Crying can be very cathartic and can allow us to release a lot of painful feelings we have been stuffing down.   Crying is  often a sign that you are really working things through and getting in touch with feelings that you need to get in touch with in order to heal . So , to summarize , don't worry at all about crying! It will probably feel uncomfortable  at first , but I promise you , you will not be judged for crying in therapy.   And it will be less embarrassing once it happens a time or two and you are assured that your therapist will be there for you and won't judge you ! Good luck !! " +"My ex-wife married and used me to have a child. She now uses that child as a pawn. I know my child misses me, but I need to move on and not live in the past. How do I do this? Do I see my child as much as possible or very little? Is it more confusing for the child?"," The thing that confuses a child the most is for a parent to come and go from their life. Children have a way of making things their fault, even when they have done nothing wrong. Because of this, when parents cut off contact, the child thinks it's their fault.  As hard as that already is for a child, it is even worse when a parent pops in and out of their life. This makes the belief even more strong for them. They start to think, ""why does dad keep leaving? What am I doing to keep making him go away?"" I believe a child needs both parents in their life. Whether she used you for a child or not, that child still exists and never asked for this. They didn't ask to be born into drama and two parents that can't make things work.  You can move on and start over while still maintaining a relationship with your child. If you start over far away, this may mean less visits but you'll still be a part of their life. Just make sure when you make a commitment to this child to stick to it. Every child deserves that much.  Good luck to you! :-) " +My grandson's step-mother sends him to school with a pink Barbie backpack as a form of punishment.," Absolutely not!  It is never in a child's best interest to use humiliation as punishment. This can lead to issues in the relationship between parent and child as well as the child's social relationships. Kids have a hard enough time. To then go and cause them embarrassment is unconscionable.  The entire job of a parent is to prepare their child to become a successful, healthy adult. You do this by using healthy ways to teach a child when they make a mistake. Discipline shouldn't be seen as punishment. It should be seen as a way to teach a lesson. What lesson could this possibility be teaching him? Absolutely nothing.  Meanwhile, she is most likely damaging her relationship with him and causing great distress in his school day and peer interactions.  She should be one of the people he can come to when he's hurting; not someone who causes him pain. " +My boyfriend is in recovery from drug addiction. We recently got into a fight and he has become very distant. I don't know what to do to fix the relationship.," I'm sorry you have tension between you and your bf. A relationship means two people who relate, right?!   If only one person does all the work to change their approach, what they expect, what they offer the other, then this becomes the new problem to solve. If you've already done a significant amount of reflection and change in the way you relate to him, then the next step may be to be patient as long as possible while he decides what to change about his part in the relationship toward you. Substance abuse recovery requires profound effort and reflection.  If it is successful then the result will show very different qualities in your bf than the ones you know currently. He may be so absorbed in the recovery that he can only concentrate on this.    Of course if the fights persist and you have been patient for what feels too long, then there are different questions to address. " +"The birth mother attempted suicide several times while pregnant. The adopted mother was terminally ill upon adopting the baby and died when the child was just over one year old. The adopted father then remarried to a physically, psychologically, and emotionally abusive woman. The child was placed in foster care at 11 years old. + +What might be the long term effects on an adult with this childhood history?"," The true answer is, ""no one can really say with certainty"". The variables are the way this child absorbs and adjusts to these significant changes in their life.  All anyone can do is guess at this point and there's no good reason to guess. The only general certainty is that the adult whom this child becomes will have had a profound encounter with the biggest types of human losses a child can go through. Some people become great teachers, therapists and philosophers who have this background.  Some give up on life and hide away from others. The best anyone could do who knows this child is to offer love bc this is the greatest guarantee to show there are good people on this earth. " +"I think adult life is making him depressed and we often sleep in on weekends untill 1 or 2 pm. We just eat, smoke weed, watch movies, and he'll go on his phone all day. He doesn't seem motivated to do much and he's often angry. + + I have no clue how to help him take his mind off the negative, or to distract him into a different light. How do I help him?", How do you help yourself to believe you require more than what he offers to you? What do you get from this relationship which feels satisfying? To answer this question may in the longterm be the best way to help your bf. +"I just took a job that requires me to travel far away from home. My family and I really need this job. + +People keep telling me I have ""anxiety"" and I'm terrified of having an anxiety attack on the road. This is all new to me. What can I do?", hmm this is a tough one! +What does it mean to have a mental illness?,"Mental illnesses are health conditions that disrupt a person’s thoughts, emotions, relationships, and daily functioning. They are associated with distress and diminished capacity to engage in the ordinary activities of daily life. +Mental illnesses fall along a continuum of severity: some are fairly mild and only interfere with some aspects of life, such as certain phobias. On the other end of the spectrum lie serious mental illnesses, which result in major functional impairment and interference with daily life. These include such disorders as major depression, schizophrenia, and bipolar disorder, and may require that the person receives care in a hospital. +It is important to know that mental illnesses are medical conditions that have nothing to do with a person’s character, intelligence, or willpower. Just as diabetes is a disorder of the pancreas, mental illness is a medical condition due to the brain’s biology. +Similarly to how one would treat diabetes with medication and insulin, mental illness is treatable with a combination of medication and social support. These treatments are highly effective, with 70-90 percent of individuals receiving treatment experiencing a reduction in symptoms and an improved quality of life. With the proper treatment, it is very possible for a person with mental illness to be independent and successful." +Who does mental illness affect?,"It is estimated that mental illness affects 1 in 5 adults in America, and that 1 in 24 adults have a serious mental illness. Mental illness does not discriminate; it can affect anyone, regardless of gender, age, income, social status, ethnicity, religion, intercourseual orientation, or background. +Although mental illness can affect anyone, certain conditions may be more common in different populations. For instance, eating disorders tend to occur more often in females, while disorders such as attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder is more prevalent in children. +Additionally, all ages are susceptible, but the young and the old are especially vulnerable. Mental illnesses usually strike individuals in the prime of their lives, with 75 percent of mental health conditions developing by the age of 24. This makes identification and treatment of mental disorders particularly difficult, because the normal personality and behavioral changes of adolescence may mask symptoms of a mental health condition. +Parents and caretakers should be aware of this fact, and take notice of changes in their child’s mood, personality, personal habits, and social withdrawal. When these occur in children under 18, they are referred to as serious emotional disturbances (SEDs)." +What causes mental illness?,"It is estimated that mental illness affects 1 in 5 adults in America, and that 1 in 24 adults have a serious mental illness. Mental illness does not discriminate; it can affect anyone, regardless of gender, age, income, social status, ethnicity, religion, intercourseual orientation, or background. Although mental illness can affect anyone, certain conditions may be more common in different populations. For instance, eating disorders tend to occur more often in females, while disorders such as attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder is more prevalent in children. Additionally, all ages are susceptible, but the young and the old are especially vulnerable. Mental illnesses usually strike individuals in the prime of their lives, with 75 percent of mental health conditions developing by the age of 24. This makes identification and treatment of mental disorders particularly difficult, because the normal personality and behavioral changes of adolescence may mask symptoms of a mental health condition. Parents and caretakers should be aware of this fact, and take notice of changes in their child's mood, personality, personal habits, and social withdrawal. When these occur in children under 18, they are referred to as serious emotional disturbances (SEDs)." +What are some of the warning signs of mental illness?,"Symptoms of mental health disorders vary depending on the type and severity of the condition. The following is a list of general symptoms that may suggest a mental health disorder, particularly when multiple symptoms are expressed at once. +In adults: +Confused thinking +Long-lasting sadness or irritability +Extreme highs and lows in mood +Excessive fear, worrying, or anxiety +Social withdrawal +Dramatic changes in eating or sleeping habits +Strong feelings of anger +Delusions or hallucinations (seeing or hearing things that are not really there) +Increasing inability to cope with daily problems and activities +Thoughts of suicide +Denial of obvious problems +Many unexplained physical problems +Abuse of drugs and/or alcohol + In older children and pre-teens: +Abuse of drugs and/or alcohol +Inability to cope with daily problems and activities +Changes in sleeping and/or eating habits +Excessive complaints of physical problems +Defying authority, skipping school, stealing, or damaging property +Intense fear of gaining weight +Long-lasting negative mood, often along with poor appetite and thoughts of death +Frequent outbursts of anger + In younger children: +Changes in school performance +Poor grades despite strong efforts +Excessive worrying or anxiety +Hyperactivity +Persistent nightmares +Persistent disobedience and/or aggressive behavior +Frequent temper tantrums" +Can people with mental illness recover?,"When healing from mental illness, early identification and treatment are of vital importance. Based on the nature of the illness, there are a range of effective treatments available. For any type of treatment, it is essential that the person affected is proactive and fully engaged in their own recovery process. +Many people with mental illnesses who are diagnosed and treated respond well, although some might experience a return of symptoms. Even in such cases, with careful monitoring and management of the disorder, it is still quite possible to live a fulfilled and productive life." +What should I do if I know someone who appears to have the symptoms of a mental disorder?,"Although this website cannot substitute for professional advice, we encourage those with symptoms to talk to their friends and family members and seek the counsel of a mental health professional. The sooner the mental health condition is identified and treated, the sooner they can get on the path to recovery. +If you know someone who is having problems, don't assume that the issue will resolve itself. Let them know that you care about them, and that there are treatment options available that will help them heal. Speak with a mental health professional or counselor if you think your friend or family member is experiencing the symptoms of a mental health condition. If the affected loved one knows that you support them, they will be more likely to seek out help." +How can I find a mental health professional for myself or my child?,Feeling comfortable with the professional you or your child is working with is critical to the success of the treatment. Finding the professional who best fits your needs may require research. Start by searching for providers in your area. +What treatment options are available?,"Just as there are different types of medications for physical illness, different treatment options are available for individuals with mental illness. Treatment works differently for different people. It is important to find what works best for you or your child." +"If I become involved in treatment, what do I need to know?","Since beginning treatment is a big step for individuals and families, it can be very overwhelming. It is important to be as involved and engaged in the treatment process as possible. Some questions you will need to have answered include: +What is known about the cause of this particular illness? +Are there other diagnoses where these symptoms are common? +Do you normally include a physical or neurological examination? +Are there any additional tests or exams that you would recommend at this point? +Would you advise an independent opinion from another psychiatrist at this point? +What program of treatment is the most helpful with this diagnosis? +Will this program involve services by other specialists? If so, who will be responsible for coordinating these services? +What do you see as the family’s role in this program of treatment? +How much access will the family have to the individuals who are providing the treatment? +What medications are generally used with this diagnosis? +How much experience do you have in treating individuals with this illness? +What can I do to help you in the treatment?" +What is the difference between mental health professionals?,"There are many types of mental health professionals. The variety of providers and their services may be confusing. Each have various levels of education, training, and may have different areas of expertise. Finding the professional who best fits your needs may require some research." +How can I find a mental health professional right for my child or myself?,Feeling comfortable with the professional you or your child is working with is critical to the success of your treatment. Finding the professional who best fits your needs may require some research. +If I become involved in treatment what do I need to know?,"Beginning treatment is a big step for individuals and families and can be very overwhelming. It is important to continue involvement in the treatment process as much as possible. Some questions you will need to have answered include: +What is known about the cause of this particular illness? +Are there other diagnoses where these symptoms are common? +Do you normally include a physical or neurological examination? +Are there any additional tests or exams that you would recommend at this point? +Would you advise an independent opinion from another psychiatrist at this point? +What program of treatment is the most helpful with this diagnosis? +Will this program involve services by other specialists? If so, who will be responsible for coordinating these services? +What do you see as the family’s role in this program of treatment? +How much access will the family have to the individuals who are providing the treatment? +What medications are generally used with this diagnosis? What is the biological effect of this medication, and what do you expect it to accomplish? What are the risks associated with the medication? How soon will we be able to tell if the medication is effective, and how will we know? +How much experience do you have in treating individuals with this illness? +What can I do to help you in the treatment?" +Where else can I get help?,"Where you go for help will depend on the nature of the problem and/or symptoms and what best fits you. Often, the best place to start is by talking with someone you trust about your concerns, such as a family member, friend, clergy, healthcare provider, or other professionals. Having this social support is essential in healing from mental illness, and you will be able to ask them for referrals or recommendations for trusted mental health practitioners. Search for mental health resources in your area. +Secondly, there are people and places throughout Nebraska that provide services to talk, to listen, and to help you on your journey to recovery. Thirdly, many people find peer support a helpful tool that can aid in their recovery. There are a variety of organizations that offer support groups for consumers, their family members, and friends. Some support groups are peer led while others may be led by a mental health professional." +What should I know before starting a new medication?,"The best source of information regarding medications is the physician prescribing them. He or she should be able to answer questions such as: 1. What is the medication supposed to do? 2. When should it begin to take effect, and how will I know when it is effective? 3. How is the medication taken and for how long? What food, drinks, other medicines, and activities should be avoided while taking this medication? 4. What are the side effects and what should be done if they occur? 5. What do I do if a dose is missed? 6. Is there any written information available about this medication? 7. Are there other medications that might be appropriate? 8. If so, why do you prefer the one you have chosen? 9. How do you monitor medications and what symptoms indicate that they should be raised, lowered, or changed? 10. All medications should be taken as directed. Most medications for mental illnesses do not work when taken irregularly, and extra doses can cause severe, sometimes dangerous side effects. Many psychiatric medications begin to have a beneficial effect only after they have been taken for several weeks." +"If I feel better after taking medication, does this mean I am ""cured"" and can stop taking it?","It is not uncommon for people to stop taking their medication when they feel their symptoms are under control. Others may choose to stop taking their medication because of its side effects, without realizing that most side effects can be effectively managed. While it may seem reasonable to stop taking the medication, the problem is that most often, the symptoms will return. If you or your child is taking medication, it is very important that you work together with your doctor before making decisions about any changes in your treatment.\nAnother problem with stopping medication, particularly for stopping it abruptly, is that you may develop withdrawal symptoms that can be very unpleasant. If you and your doctor feel a trial off your medicine is a good idea, it is necessary to slowly decrease the dosage of medications so that these symptoms don't occur.\nIt is important that your doctor and pharmacist work together to make sure your medications are working safely and effectively. You should talk with them about how you are doing and if there are side effects that make you unwilling to continue treatment. They will work with you to develop strategies for minimizing these side effects, or will create a plan for switching to a different treatment that will be a better fit." +How can I get help paying for my medication?,"Some pharmaceutical companies offer prescription assistance programs to individuals and families with financial needs, while others offer special drug discount cards. These programs typically require a doctor's consent and proof of your financial status. They may also require that you have either no health insurance or no prescription drug benefit through your health insurance.\nIn addition, there are prescription programs you might qualify for. Visit Healthfinder.gov to learn more." +Where can I go to find therapy,"Different kinds of therapy are more effective based on the nature of the mental health condition and/or symptoms and the person who has them (for example, children will benefit from a therapist who specializes in children's mental health). However, there are several different types of treatment and therapy that can help." +Where can I learn about types of mental health treatment?,"Mental health conditions are often treated with medication, therapy or a combination of the two. However, there are many different types of treatment available, including Complementary & Alternative Treatments, self-help plans, and peer support. Treatments are very personal and should be discussed by the person with the mental health conditions and his or her team." +What are the different types of mental health professionals?,There are many types of mental health professionals. Finding the right one for you may require some research. +Where can I go to find a support group?,"Many people find peer support a helpful tool that can aid in their recovery. There are a variety of organizations that offer support groups for consumers, their family members and friends. Some support groups are peer-led, while others may be led by a mental health professional." +Where can I go to find inpatient care?,"If you or someone you know is in crisis, inpatient care can help. Inpatient care can help people stabilize on new medications, adjust to new symptoms, or get the help they need." +Where can I go to find other local services?,"There are likely plenty of resources that can be used to help you find mental health treatment in your community. These resources can help you find the right therapist, and enable you to better understand viable treatment options and the treatment process." +Where can I learn more information about clinical trials?,"Sometimes, consumers of mental health services may consider participating in a research study when they have not experienced improvement despite having tried a variety of medications and treatments. Research studies (also known as clinical trials) may involve the use of new medications or new treatment approaches whose safety and effectiveness is being tested. While we support innovation in the field, consumers should be cautioned that there are risks associated with clinical trials – make sure you're aware of them before you enroll." +Where can I learn more information about creating a Psychiatric Advance Directive?,"Similar to a medical advance directive or a health care power of attorney, a psychiatric advance directive is a legal document completed in a time of wellness that provides instructions regarding treatment or services one wishes to have or not have during a mental health crisis, and may help influence his or her care." +What is mental health?,"We all have mental health which is made up of our beliefs, thoughts, feelings and behaviours." +What do I do if the support doesn't help?,"It can be difficult to find the things that will help you, as different things help different people. It's important to be open to a range of approaches and to be committed to finding the right help and to continue to be hopeful, even when some things don't work out." +Can you prevent mental health problems?,"We can all suffer from mental health challenges, but developing our wellbeing, resilience, and seeking help early can help prevent challenges becoming serious." +Are there cures for mental health problems?,"It is often more realistic and helpful to find out what helps with the issues you face. Talking, counselling, medication, friendships, exercise, good sleep and nutrition, and meaningful occupation can all help." +What causes mental health problems?,"Challenges or problems with your mental health can arise from psychological, biological, and social, issues, as well as life events." +What do I do if I'm worried about my mental health?,"The most important thing is to talk to someone you trust. This might be a friend, colleague, family member, or GP. In addition to talking to someone, it may be useful to find out more information about what you are experiencing. These things may help to get some perspective on what you are experiencing, and be the start of getting help." +How do I know if I'm unwell?,"If your beliefs , thoughts , feelings or behaviours have a significant impact on your ability to function in what might be considered a normal or ordinary way, it would be important to seek help." +What should I do if I'm worried about a friend or relative?,This may depend on your relationship with them. Gently encouraging someone to seek appropriate support would be helpful to start with. +How do I deal with someone telling me what to do?,"Some people may advise you on good evidence of what works with the best of intentions, but it's important to find out what works best for you." +Why do I need to keep informed?,"It may be tempting to try to block out the world altogether to avoid bad news, but it's important to keep yourself informed. We all have to step up during a pandemic because we all have a part to play in reducing the spread of the virus. It's important that you know what must be done and how you should do it. This is important for the health of your neighbours and your own mental health, and taking action can help counter difficult feelings like hopelessness and despair. + One study from people in China found that people who had reliable up-to-date information about the coronavirus and COVID-19 illness and accurate instructions on how they should act (such as instructions around hand-washing and wearing a mask) felt more resilient and felt better able to handle the virus. People who received good, accurate information reported lower levels of stress, anxiety, and depression. This research is available for free at www.mdpi.com/1660-4601/17/5/1729. + Of course, it's okay to set limits. Staying informed does not mean that you have to follow the news all day. Check in a few times a day, sticking to trusted sources and media outlets. While social media can be a great way to keep in touch with family and friends, social media can also amplify bad advice, vague or untrue stories, and other unhelpful information. Be sure to use good critical thinking skills." +How can I tell if health information is good or bad?,"Anyone can post anything online. It's up to the readers to think critically about information to decide if it seems helpful, truthful, or safe. Here are key points to keep in mind as you determine which information is worth considering and which information doesn't pass the test. + It's so easy to spread information online, and we can't assume that the source we're reading or watching is the original source. Before you can evaluate anything, you need to know where the claims come from and determine if it's a reliable source. + Reliable sources on the coronavirus and COVID-19 illness include the World Health Organization (WHO), Government of Canada ministries and agencies like Health Canada and the Public Health Agency of Canada, the Government of BC ministries and agencies like the BC Ministry of Health, and the BC Centre for Disease Control (BCCDC). Scientists and researchers at universities and other institutions and health sciences professionals are also important sources of information. + Headlines and titles need to be simple and short, so they can sometimes be misleading on their own. They may also be purposefully shocking or controversial to entice you to click to read more. + Websites that belong to governments, government-funded agencies, well-known health providers, universities, or groups of medical professionals are generally the most reliable. Be careful of sites that don't list the author or don't tell you much about themselves. Double-check the author and the credentials of any 'experts' quoted or cited to see if they are actually experts in the topic being discussed. + Can you find other evidence from other sources to support the claims? Does the author list their sources? Are the sources legitimate, like research journals? + Unhelpful sources want you to feel a certain way: scared, angry, distrustful, vulnerable. Phrases like ""Skyrocketing rates of infection"" are sensational and they're meant to make people feel afraid. On the other hand, factual statements like ""We have 50 new cases in BC"" give you important information without playing into your emotions. Helpful news or information sources want you feel informed and empowered. + Who is paying for the site? What products or services are being advertised? What links or other sites do they promote? Are you learning something from a story or experience, or are you simply being directed to buy a product or service? + Social media can be a great way to keep in touch with family and friends, especially as we practice physical distancing or self-isolation. Social media can also be an important way to learn from health experts and connect to support services and mutual aid groups in your community. + Like any other source of information, it's important to use good critical thinking skills when you use social media. Studies find that searching for health information on social media generally has very mixed results. You'll see both very poor-quality sources next to good-quality sources, and it's up to you to decide which is which. In addition, social media posts tend to be short and rarely capture everything you need to consider. They are generally useful as a way to start learning or exploring different points of view rather than a place to gather all the information. + Visit www.mediasmarts.ca to learn more about digital and media literacy + Visit www.healthnewsreview.org to learn more about thinking critically around health claims (this resource is no longer updated daily, but all toolkits and lessons are still available) + This page is adapted from the Evaluating Mental Health and Substance Use Information info sheet." +Why do I need a plan?,"There are a lot of things you can't control. You can't control what happens next, how governments respond, or how your neighbours react to the pandemic. What you can do is make a plan and decide how you'll manage the things you do control, like your ability to stay safe, follow public health measures, stay connected with loved ones, and take care of your mental and physical health. + Events like a pandemic change a lot over time, and that uncertainty can add to fear and stress. The truth is that we don't know what will happen next—but that doesn't mean we're all helpless. You can do a lot. You can: + Map out a daily schedule, including times you can connect with loved ones online or by phone + Plan out daily tasks and goals + Give yourself a schedule to look up current information + Make sure you have 14 days of healthy food and household supplies at home + Keep medications on hand and talk to your doctor for advice if you're at increased risk + Educate yourself on public health measures and figure out how you'll follow those instructions + Figure out how you'll manage increased childcare demands, working for home, or other changes to your usual routine + Determine if you'll need financial supports like the Canada Emergency Response Benefit or BC Temporary Rent Supplement if your job is affected by COVID-19. If you anticipate a need, you can find application instructions and gather any documents or other pieces of information ahead of time + Figure out how you'll manage times when you feel overwhelmed or hopeless, like calming activities, the number for a local support or crisis line, a video chat with a loved one, or a way to connect with your mental health care provider + Look for local support organizations, neighbourhood groups, or mutual aid groups if you need extra help or support or would like to help others in your community + Some planning will be straightforward, but you may also encounter situations or times when it's harder to see a solution or good plan of action. This is a great time to practice problem-solving skills. Problem-solving is a method that helps you break down a complicated situation into manageable pieces, look for realistic and unbiased information, brainstorm possible solutions, and test the solutions that you think might work well. Problem-solving is a helpful skill no matter what else is going on in the world, and it's an empowering, methodical approach when you might otherwise feel overwhelmed or lost. + Check out the following resources for more information about problem-solving: + Wellness Module 4: Problem-Solving: www.heretohelp.bc.ca/wellness-module/wellness-module-4-problem-solving + Problem-solving worksheet from Anxiety Canada: www.anxietycanada.com/sites/default/files/ProblemSolving.pdf + Effective Problem-Solving in The Antidepressant Skills Workbook: psychhealthandsafety.org/asw" +How can I maintain social connections? What if I feel lonely?,"A lot of people are alone right now, but we don't have to be lonely. We're all in this together. + While you may be physically separated from friends, family members, and other loved ones, it has never been more important to maintain those social connections. Social connections are an opportunity to seek and share support, talk through difficult feelings, share a laugh, keep up-to-date with loved ones, and help each other cope. This pandemic is a lot for one person to deal with on their own. While measures like physical distancing and self-isolation are necessary to slow the spread of the virus, the physical separation can amplify a lot of challenging emotions like loneliness and fear. + Think about the different ways to connect that are most meaningful for you. For example, you might prefer a video chat over a phone call, or you might prefer to text throughout the day rather than one set time for a video call. Then, work with your social networks to make a plan. You might video chat with your close friends in the evening and phone a family member once a week. + Remember to be mindful of people who may not be online. Check in by phone and ask how you can help. + The quality of your social connections matter. Mindlessly scrolling through social media and liking a few posts usually doesn't build strong social connections. Make sure you focus on strategies that actually make you feel included and connected. If your current strategies don't help you feel connected, problem-solve to see if you can find a solution. + Everyone feels lonely at times—maybe you recently moved to a new city, are changing your circle of friends, lost someone important in your life, or lost your job and also lost important social connections with coworkers. Other people may have physical connections to others but may feel like their emotional or social needs aren't met. Measures like social distancing or self-isolation can make loneliness feel worse no matter why you feel lonely now. + Reach out to the connections you do have. Suggest ways to keep in touch and see if you can set a regular time to connect. People may hesitate to reach out for a lot of different reasons, so don't be afraid to be the one who asks. + Look for local community support groups and mutual aid groups on social media. This pandemic is bringing everyone together, so look for opportunities to make new connections. These groups are a great way to share your skills and abilities or seek help and support. + Look for specialized support groups. Support groups are moving online, and there are a lot of different support lines to call if you need to talk to someone. To find community services in BC, call or text 211 or visit www.bc211.ca. + If you need extra support, you can talk with a psychologist or counsellor for free: + You can access a free phone call with a Registered Psychologist though the Covid-19 Psychological Support Service from the BC Psychological Association. Visit www.psychologists.bc.ca/covid-19-resources. + You can access free, phone-based, short-term support with a counsellor from a new group called the BC COVID-19 Mental Health Network. Email bccovidtherapists@gmail.com to receive an appointment time. + For youth people ages 12-24, you can talk with a counsellor for free through Foundry Virtual. Visit foundrybc.ca/get-support/virtual/. + Call the BC Mental Health Support Line at 310-6789. It's available 24/7. + Chat online with a Crisis Center volunteer at www.crisiscentrechat.ca (daily between noon and 1:00am) + For older adults: Call the Seniors Distress Line at 604-872-123 + For youth and young adults: Chat online with a volunteer at www.YouthinBC.com (daily between noon and 1:00am) + For children and youth: Call the Kids Help Phone at 1-800-668-6868 or visit kidshelpphone.ca + For tips on managing loneliness, check out the following resources: + Coping with Loneliness from the Canadian Mental Health Association: cmha.bc.ca/documents/coping-with-loneliness/ + Loneliness and Social Connection issue of Visions Journal at www.heretohelp.bc.ca/visions/loneliness-and-social-connection-vol14 + Wellness Module 3: Social Support at www.heretohelp.bc.ca/wellness-module/wellness-module-3-social-support" +How can I take care of my physical health?,"Taking care of your physical health is also good for your mental health. It's more important than ever to keep yourself healthy. + Try to eat as well as you can. It may be easier to reach for unhealthier comfort foods and snacks while you spend more time at home, but try to keep a balanced approach. When you stock up on groceries, don't ignore fresh fruit and vegetables—we still have everything we need to prepare food. Now that we're advised to limit the amount of time we spend in public spaces like grocery stores, this is a great time to try out new fruits and vegetables that keep at home for longer periods of time. + If it's safer for you to stay home or you are in self-isolation, reach out for help. Many grocery stores and meal prep services offer safe, no-contact delivery. You can also ask family or friends to bring you groceries, or look for local COVID-19 support groups on social media. It's safest if others leave food and other supplies outside of your door to avoid spreading the virus. + Exercise is an important part of mental health and well-being, stress management, and health sleep. However, it's something that many people give up when they start to feel stressed or overwhelmed. + If it's safe for you to do so, spend time outside. You should still avoid busy areas or groups and stay at least two metres away from others, but there is no reason to avoid walks, runs, or other safe outdoor activities. (Note that some municipalities, BC Parks, and Parks Canada have restricted some outdoor spaces to reduce crowds, so check the status of your local parks or trails and respect closures—they're just keeping everyone safe.) + If you prefer to exercise indoors, you can also find many different exercises classes online. You can try yoga, follow a barre class, work on your cardio, pick up a new dumbbell routine, and keep up with Crossfit WODs from the comfort of your living room. Look for no-equipment exercise routines or classes if you don't already have equipment. + Poor sleep can make even simple problems feel a lot worse than they really are. Poor sleep can affect your mood, your outlook, and your patience. Unfortunately, stress and anxiety can really take a toll on your sleep. If you're having a hard time sleeping, be proactive and practice healthy sleep habits. For more, check out Wellness Module 6: Getting a Good Night's Sleep at www.heretohelp.bc.ca/wellness-module/wellness-module-6-getting-a-good-nights-sleep. + If you have other health problems like a chronic illness, check in with your doctor or health care team to see if you need to take any additional measures or precautions. Remember to plan ahead and do what you can to keep prescription or over-the-counter medications, medical supplies, supplements, or other health needs on hand." +How can I use distraction to manage difficult thoughts or feelings?,"Distraction is a very valid tool to help you cope when everything feels overwhelming or when you feel lonely or isolated. + If you don't have a lot of energy or focus right now, try low-effort distractions like watching TV, browsing Youtube, listening to a podcast or audiobook, playing a game on your phone, reading an easy book or magazine, or working on a simple art project. + If you have more energy and focus, give yourself a to-do list every day: you can clean and take care of projects around your home, work on hobbies, connect with family or friends, read a new book and catch up on your favourite TV shows. You can find interesting opportunities to take online courses from universities all over the world through MOOCs and other online learning platforms, you can learn a new language online or through apps, and you can learn new hobbies and activities. As more people have to practice social distancing or self-isolation, people are finding creative ways to bring the world into their homes: you can tour museums and art galleries, Skype with a scientist, watch animals at zoos and nature preserves, and more. + When normal schedules are disrupted, it's easy to fall into unhelpful habits. Look for ways to keep yourself on track with healthier habits. You could set yourself goals every day or turn activities into a fun competition with friends or family—whoever takes the most language classes wins! + Many communities are using social media platforms like Facebook to organize support and help for neighbours. If you are healthy and it's safe to do so, you can sign up to walk dogs, pick up groceries and household supplies, and help others who can't go out at the moment. This can be a great way to make new connections in your area, and helping others is good for your own mental health. Just be sure to follow good hygiene practices and physical distancing—your own health is important." +How can I reframe the situation and find more balanced perspectives?,"How you think about something impacts your feelings and your behaviours. + When we feel stressed out, angry, or fearful, it's hard to look at the situation realistically and see all of the options we have. (Remember: we all control our own actions and reactions, no matter what's going on in the world. We can call do something about this pandemic.) + People often overestimate the negative parts—their own feelings, their own abilities to manage a difficult situation, or the situation itself—and underestimate positive parts—their own abilities to care for themselves and loved ones, their support networks, and opportunities. + How does the thought ""We're never going to make it through this!"" make you feel? It likely doesn't feel good—and it isn't even true. + Challenging negative, unhelpful thoughts can improve your mood, validate your ability to get through this, and help you see new options or opportunities to stay well. + Stop and notice thoughts that come up. How do they make you feel? Do your thoughts seem realistic if you look at the situation more objectively? How can you reframe the thought to make it more productive or hopeful? Can you find any positive aspects or think of new ways to approach the situation? + Here are a few example: + ""I'm so mad that my event was cancelled! This sucks!"" + ""I know this is the safer option for everyone. When it's rescheduled, I'll enjoy it more because I won't have to worry about getting sick or spreading the illness."" + ""I hate spending so much time at home. This is so boring."" + ""I'm doing my part to keep my neighbours safe. It's worth it because it keeps people healthy."" + ""I'm having a hard time getting used to my new schedule. This is so frustrating."" + ""I'll get used to this soon, just like I adapted the last time I had to change my schedule. Now that I'm home more, I'll have more time to finish the projects I haven't touched in months and I'm excited to see the end results. + ""I'm really scared and I don't know what to do. I feel so overwhelmed right now."" + ""It makes sense that I feel scared—people are getting sick and we don't know when things will go back to normal. But there are a lot of things I can do to keep healthy, and I'm going to do some research so I can do my best. When I focus on the things I can do, everything feels more manageable."" + ""We're going to be stuck inside forever. I'm already sick of this."" + ""I understand that it will take some time to manage COVID-19, and I trust that health care professionals and scientists are working as fast as they can. I know this will end eventually and life will go back to normal."" + The goal is not to ignore the bad or uncomfortable parts of the situation or deny that there's a problem. Instead, this exercise can help you understand the situation more realistically and see the parts that you can control right now." +How can I challenge thinking traps?,"What you tell yourself about a situation affects how you feel and what you do. Sometimes your interpretation of a situation can get distorted and you only focus on the negative aspects—this is normal and expected. However, when you interpret situations too negatively, you might feel worse. You're also more likely to respond to the situation in ways that are unhelpful in the long term. + These automatic thoughts and assumptions are sometimes called thinking traps. Everyone falls into unbalanced thinking traps from time to time. You're most likely to distort your interpretation of things when you already feel sad, angry, anxious, depressed or stressed. You're also more vulnerable to thinking traps when you're not taking good care of yourself, like when you're not eating or sleeping well. + Here are some common thinking traps: + Thinking that a negative situation is part of a constant cycle of bad things that happen. People who overgeneralize often use words like ""always"" or ""never."" + I was really looking forward to that concert, and now it's cancelled. This always happens to me! I never get to do fun things! + Seeing things as only right or wrong, good or bad, perfect or terrible. People who think in black and white terms see a small mistake as a total failure. + I wanted to eat healthier, but I ate too many snacks today. This plan is a total failure! + Saying only negative things about yourself or other people. + I made a mistake. I'm stupid! My boss told me that I made a mistake. My boss is a total jerk! + Predicting that something bad will happen without any evidence. + I've been doing what I can to stay home and reduce the risks, but I just know that I'm going to get sick. + Focusing only on the negative parts of a situation and ignoring anything good or positive. + I know there's a lot I can do at home, but I'm just so sick of this. Everything is terrible. + Believing that bad feelings or emotions reflect the situation. + I feel scared and overwhelmed right now, so that must mean everything is very bad and will never get better. + Telling yourself how you ""should"" or ""must"" act. + I should be able to handle this without getting upset and crying! + Here are helpful strategies to challenge common thinking traps. Many people find their mood and confidence improve after working through these skills. You can also find worksheets to help you go through each step at www.heretohelp.bc.ca. + Don't try to get out of a thinking trap by just telling yourself to stop thinking that way. + This doesn't let you look at the evidence and challenge the thinking trap. When you try and push upsetting thoughts away, they are more likely to keep popping back into your mind. + Ask yourself the following questions when something upsetting happens: + What is the situation? What actually happened? Only include facts that everyone would agree on. + What are your thoughts? What are you telling yourself? + What are your emotions? How do you feel? + What are your behaviours? How are you reacting? What are you doing to cope? + Take a look at the thoughts you've listed. Are you using any of the thinking traps and falling into distorted thinking patterns? It's common to fall into more than one thinking trap. Go back to the thinking trap list and identify which ones apply to you and your current situation. + The best way to break a thinking trap is to look at your thoughts like a scientist and consider the hard facts. Use the evidence you've collected to challenge your thinking traps. Here are some ways to do that: + Try to find evidence against the thought. If you make a mistake at work, you might automatically think, ""I can't do anything right! I must be a terrible employee!"" When this thought comes up, you might challenge it by asking, ""Is there any evidence to support this thought? Is there any evidence to disprove this thought?"" You might quickly realize that your boss has complimented your work recently, which doesn't support the idea that you're a bad employee. + Ask yourself, ""Would I judge other people if they did the same thing? Am I being harder on myself than I am on other people?"" This is a great method for challenging thinking traps that involve harsh self-criticism. + Find out whether other people you trust agree with your thoughts. For example, you might have trouble with one of your kids and think, ""Good parents wouldn't have this kind of problem."" To challenge this thought, you can ask other parents if they've ever had any problems with their kids. + Test your beliefs in person. For example, if you think that your friends don't care about you, call a few friends and make plans to start a regular video call. If you assumed that they will all say no, you may be pleasantly surprised to hear that they do want to see you. + Once you have worked through some challenges, try to think of a more balanced thought to replace the old thinking traps. Let's use the following example: + I feel sad and overwhelmed. I'm having a hard time figuring out what to do. + I'm the worst! I should be able to handle this! + Labeling + 'Should' statements + Examine the evidence: I have a lot of challenges right now. I'm worried about my family and everything seems to change so quickly. I've successfully handled complicated situations in the past, so I know I can do this. + It's okay to feel upset right now—there's a lot going on. I'm going to think about how I got through past situations and see what worked for me. I'm trying to do a lot on my own, so I'm going to talk to my family so we can make a plan and work together. + Try the Healthy Thinking Worksheet at www.heretohelp.bc.ca + Check out Anxiety Canada's articles Helpful Thinking and Thinking Traps + This page is adapted from Wellness Module 8: Healthy Thinking at www.heretohelp.bc.ca/wellness-module/wellness-module-8-healthy-thinking." +How can I manage grief?,"While a lot of people think of grief in terms of losing a person or pet, grief can come up whenever you lose something important. This includes: + Losing security, like losing your job or wondering how long you'll be able to pay rent + Losing stability or routine, like finding yourself working from home or navigating childcare closures + Losing your sense of safety, like fearing you or someone you love might end up with COVID-19 + Losing your social relationships, like missing time with family and friends now that everyone must practice physical distancing or self-isolation + Losing hope for the future, like feeling that life will never go back to normal + Losing important goals, like finding your classes, sports competitions, or performances are cancelled for the foreseeable future + Losing important milestone celebrations like graduation ceremonies and weddings + Grief bring up complicated feelings. You might feel sad, angry, frustrated, fearful, or hopeless. You may have a hard time eating or sleeping, or feel very tense. You may feel overwhelmed and tired. You may wonder if life will ever feel normal again. + Everyone grieves in their own way and their own time. Here are some strategies to try as you navigate your own journey. + Acknowledge and express your feelings in a healthy way. Give your feelings a name and find healthy ways to express them, such as by talking with a friend, writing in a journal, or making art. + Give yourself as much time as you need. Grief follows its own schedule. Give yourself permission to use this time to take care of your well-being. Let go of expectations, tasks, or other obligations that can wait. + Seek support. Grief can feel very isolating, even though a lot of people are experiencing some sort of loss right now. Reach out to friends or family and share your feelings. Look for ways to help and support each other. + Take care of yourself. Ignoring health and well-being can make difficult experiences feel worse. Eat as well as you can, try to get enough sleep, spend time outside if it's safe for you to do so, and exercise regularly. Think about self-care activities or strategies that have helped you cope with challenging situations in the past and make time for those activities. + Know that feelings of grief will pass. Grief may feel intense at times, but those feelings will become more manageable over time and will eventually pass. + Connect with a mental health professional if you're having a hard time. If you're having a hard time getting through the day, coping in unhealthy ways, or having a hard time managing difficult thoughts or feelings, it's a good idea to seek help from a professional like a psychologist or counsellor—many now offer online or phone appointments. To find help: + For everyone + BC Psychological Association: Find a Registered Psychologist at www.psychologists.bc.ca/find_psychologist + BC Association of Clinical Counsellors: Find a Registered Clinical Counsellor at bc-counsellors.org + BC Mental Health Support Line: call 310-6789 (no area code) for to learn about services in your area or just to talk with someone right now + For young people + Kids Help Phone: Talk to a counsellor at 1-800-668-6868 or chat at kidshelpphone.ca (available 24/7) + Foundry: Contact your local Foundry office at foundrybc.ca for Foundy Virtual and information about local resources (for youth ages 12-24) + Youth in BC: Chat with a crisis line responder at youthinbc.com (available every day from noon – 1:00am) + That Discomfort You're Feeling Is Grief in Harvard Business Review at hbr.org/2020/03/that-discomfort-youre-feeling-is-grief + Grieving from the Canadian Mental Health Association at cmha.ca/documents/grieving + Coping with Grief and Loss from Mind Your Mind at mindyourmind.ca/wellness/coping-grief-and-loss" +"How can I find a doctor, psychiatrist, psychologist, or counsellor?","To find a family doctor (general physician), visit the College of Physicians and Surgeons of BC to use their Find a Physician tool. You can also see a family doctor at a local walk-in clinic, though it's helpful to find a regular doctor if you have ongoing care needs. You can also find a psychiatrist through the College of Physicians and Surgeons of BC. Be aware that you almost always need a doctor's referral to see a psychiatrist. + You can find a registered psychologist through the BC Psychological Association and the College of Psychologists of BC. + To find a clinical counsellor, visit the BC Association of Clinical Counsellors. + For more on the differences between these service providers, see the article The Right Path for You: Finding your way to and through services in BC from the Finding the Right Help – Navigating the System issue of Visions Journal." +How can I see a psychiatrist?,"A psychiatrist is a specialist doctor. In BC, you need to ask your doctor for a referral. If you don't see a regular family doctor, you can ask any doctor at a walk-in clinic for a referral. + In some cases, you may be able to ""self-refer"" or make an appointment with a mental health program yourself, but that may not get you access to a psychiatrist. Contact your local mental health centre to see what's available in your area. You can search for mental health centres at www.gov.bc.ca/mentalhealth. If you need help finding your local mental health centre, call HealthlinkBC at 811 or visit www.healthlinkbc.ca and use the Find Health Service tool." +How can I see a psychologist?,"To find a Registered Psychologist, visit the BC Psychological Association. You can make an appointment on your own. You don't need a doctor's referral to see a psychologist. + Registered Psychologists are not usually covered by MSP, so you'll have to pay for the cost of the appointment yourself. Workplace extended health benefits or Employee (Family) Assistance Programs may cover some costs. Some psychologists offer a sliding scale based on your income. If you're facing financial hardship, you can ask when you make the appointment. + If you want to learn more about lower-cost options to access counselling (though not usually by Registered Psychologists), email us with your location and our information and referrals team can see what options there may be in your community. + If you see a Registered Psychologist through a public mental health centre like a mental health team or outpatient psychiatry program, it will still be covered by MSP. Talk to your care provider if you have questions or want to learn more." +How can I see a counsellor?,"You can find directories of counsellors through their professional organizations. + Registered Clinical Counsellors: visit the BC Association of Clinical Counsellors + Canadian Certified Counsellors: visit the Canadian Counselling and Psychotherapy Association + Canadian Professional Counsellors: visit the Canadian Professional Counsellors Association + For more specialized counselling professionals, such as Marriage and Family Therapists, see the Federation of Associations for Counselling Therapists in British Columbia. + You can make an appointment on your own. You don't need a doctor's referral to see a counsellor. + Counsellors are not usually covered by MSP, so you'll have to pay for the cost of the appointment yourself. Workplace extended health benefits, Employee (Family) Assistance Programs, or private health insurance plans may help cover some costs. Some counsellors may offer a sliding scale based on your income. If you're facing financial hardship, you can ask when you make the appointment. + Learn more about lower-cost options to access counselling or email us with your location and our information and referrals team can see what options there may be in your community. + If you see a counsellor through a public mental health centre like a mental health team or outpatient psychiatry program, it will still be covered by MSP. Talk to your care provider if you have questions or want to learn more. + Indigenous community members can access some counselling services locally or through the First Nations Health Authority. Contact your local Band or local Friendship Centre, or contact the First Nations Health Authority." +How can I find a support group?,"Support groups are a way for people with a common experience to help each other and learn from each other. There are support groups for people with any experience of mental illness, support groups for people with a specific diagnosis, support groups for family members and friends, and more. + Support groups are offered by community organizations, mental health service providers, schools, campuses, and support agencies. Here are some general resources to help you find a mental health or substance use related support group in BC: + Talk to your mental health care provider. They might be able to make recommendations. + The Mood Disorders Association of BC offers a network of peer support groups around the province for people who experience mental illnesses like mood disorders or post-traumatic stress disorder. They also have groups for family and friends. Groups are drop-in. + Many Canadian Mental Health Association branches offer support services, including support groups. If your local branch doesn't have their own program, they can recommend other services in your community. + The BC Schizophrenia Society maintains a directory of support groups and other regular events for family members of people with a mental illness. + For groups related to alcohol or drug use, call the Alcohol and Drug Information Referral Service at 1-800-663-1441 or 604-660-9382 in the Lower Mainland. + For groups in the Lower Mainland, search the Red Book Online. + If you are at school or on campus, talk to a school counsellor or your campus' health and wellness office. + For online support, see some suggestions at www.heretohelp.bc.ca/discuss. This can be particularly useful if you don't have a group in your community or have trouble getting to an in-person group. + In order to benefit the most from a support group, you need to feel safe enough to share your experiences and thoughts, and you need to feel comfortable supporting others. It can be helpful to contact the group facilitator or organizer ahead of time to see if a particular group might be a good fit for you. We have a checklist to help you evaluate support groups—including when it might be time to leave one. + Sometimes a group just doesn't work for you, and that's okay. If you feel comfortable, you can try talking to the facilitator to see if they can recommend another group that you can try." +Where can I find child and youth mental health services?,"To find help for a child or youth, you can: + Encourage your child to talk to a teacher or school counsellor + Talk to your family doctor or pediatrician, or go to a walk-in clinic + Contact your local Child & Youth Mental Health office on one of their walk-in days + Use Kelty Mental Health's Help Finder Tool to find specific services and providers + Contact the Institute of Families for Child and Youth Mental Health's Youth-in-Residence or Parent-in-Residence for guidance, information, and support. Youth-in-Residence and Parents-in-Residence are located around the province. If you don't have one in your community, a Parent- or Youth-in-Residence at the Kelty Mental Health Resource Centre can help you by phone or email + Visit www.familysmart.ca for information and resources on child and youth mental health + For young people ages 12-24, visit foundrybc.ca to see if there is a Foundry Centre in your area. Foundry offers easy-to-access mental health care, physical health care, social services, and support out of one office." +Where can older adults find help for mental health concerns?,"Mental health concerns are a serious concern at any age, and everyone deserves help and support. If you're concerned about your mental health, you can: + Talk to your family doctor or go to a walk-in clinic + Call the Mental Health Support Line at 310-6789 (no area code) for information about services in your area + Find your local mental health centre or program at www.gov.bc.ca/mentalhealth (you may need a doctor's referral to access some programs) + Find your local Canadian Mental Health Association branch at www.cmha.bc.ca and ask for information about local services + Contact a local senior's support organization or group and ask for advice. You can search for organizations at www.bc211.ca + For general information about senior's mental health: + Find resources from the Canadian Coalition for Seniors' Mental Health at www.ccsmh.ca + Find info sheets in the Seniors and Depression Series at www.heretohelp.bc.ca/factsheet/seniors-and-depression-series + If you are concerned about a loved one: + Be honest about your concerns, like changes you've noticed or problems that have come up + Give your loved one a chance to talk about their perspectives. They may have a different take on the problem or have different priorities in their health care + Be patient—it will probably take more than one conversation + Whenever possible, aim for cooperation. Focus on finding an action or solution that everyone can agree on + Remember that asking for help is hard for many of us, and it can be even harder as people's roles and abilities change. If your loved one isn't willing to talk about their experiences with you right away, offer alternatives like the BC Mental Health Support Line (310-6789—no area code needed), the Seniors Distress Line (604-872-1234) or a local seniors support organization (search for organizations at www.bc211.ca) + Seek support to manage your expectations and your own well-being. It can be very stressful to see a loved one experience health problems. But adults who can care for themselves and aren't at risk of harm are free to make their own choices—and that includes refusing help" +Where can I find self-help materials for depression?,"Self-help resources are not a substitute for diagnosis or treatment. If you have concerns about low mood, it's best to talk to your doctor first and rule out physical causes for your symptoms. However, once you've checked in with your doctor, self-help materials can be a great way to learn more about depression and practice different skills at your own pace or in between treatment sessions. Here are some resources to check out. + The Antidepressant Skills Workbook was created by two BC psychologists. You'll learn more about depression, learn and practice different skills to help improve your mood, and learn how healthy changes in other parts of your life can impact your mood. They also have similar workbooks for specific groups: + Dealing With Depression: Antidepressant Skills for Teens + A workbook for people who experience problems with depression at work called Antidepressant Skills at Work: Dealing with Mood Problems in the Workplace + A workbook for expecting or new moms called Managing Depression: A Self-help Skills Resource for Women Living With Depression During Pregnancy, After Delivery and Beyond + A workbook for people who experience health problems called Positive Coping with Health Conditions: A Self-Care Workbook + On the HeretoHelp site, our Managing Depression series offers three info sheets: Dealing with a Diagnosis of Depression, Working With Your Doctor for Depression, and Preventing Relapse of Depression. The series helps you be an active partner in your health care, build healthy coping skills and self-management strategies, and more. + Often depression can affect your concentration and motivation to work through self-help materials on your own. If you'd like self-help materials with a bit of extra support from a person, Bounce Back: Reclaim Your Health is a guided self-help program for British Columbians who experience mild to moderate depression, low mood, stress, or anxiety. You can get a DVD of tips to help you recognize and manage symptoms of depression, or you can learn more in-depth skills in a series of workbooks you complete at home. You also work with a trained coach from the Canadian Mental Health Association who will offer support and advice by telephone or video conference. Bounce Back is free with a doctor's referral. For more information, visit www.bouncebackbc.ca (If you want to access the Bounce Back materials without a coach or referral, you can do that online in BC at www.bouncebackonline.ca). + The Mood Disorders Association of BC has a number of videos on mental health, seeking help, and other topics + Kelty Mental Health Resource Centre also maintains a comprehensive list of websites, toolkits, books and other resources for young people and families + Heads Up Guys offer tips and strategies for healthy living strategies for men who experience depression + The BC Reproductive Mental Health Program of BC Mental Health and Substance Use Services has a self-management guide for women who experience postpartum depression called Coping with Depression in Pregnancy and Following the Birth. They also have a guide for Aboriginal women and their families called Celebrating the Circle of Life: coming back to Balance and Harmony + The follow resources are based outside of BC, but they offer a lot of good information. + MoodGYM Training Program is a web-based self-help course for people who experience depression. It is based in Australia but is available for free to anyone + Moodjuice is a UK initiative that offers self-help workbooks, including one for depression + There are many books and workbooks available to help people who experience depression. Talk to your mental health care team for recommendations. You can find many from your local bookstore or special bookstores specializing in mental health like Odin Books in Vancouver (you can also order online). Within British Columbia, you may also borrow books for free from the Family Support and Resource Centre at BC Children's and Women's Hospitals. They have many self-help and reference materials on depression for women and their partners, for parents, and for children and youth." +Where can I find self-help materials for anxiety?,"Self-help resources are not a substitute for diagnosis or treatment. If you have concerns about low mood, it's best to talk to your doctor first and rule out physical causes for your symptoms. However, once you've checked in with your doctor, self-help materials can be a great way to learn more about anxiety and practice different skills at your own pace or in between treatment sessions. Here are some resources to check out: + Anxiety Canada has self-help resources, toolkits, worksheets, and videos on anxiety and anxiety disorders for children and their parents, teens, adults, expecting and new moms at www.anxietycanada.com. Their MindShift app teaches skills to help users manage anxiety, relax, and live well. Although designed for teens and young adults, other adults can also benefit from it. + Kelty Mental Health Resource Centre has a list of recommended websites, toolkits, books, and other resources for children and for teens. + The BC Reproductive Mental Health Program of BC Mental Health and Substance Use Services has a self-management guide for women who experience anxiety during and after birth called Coping With Anxiety During Pregnancy and Following the Birth. + Moodjuice is a UK program that offers self-help and information on a number of mental health concerns, including their anxiety self-help guide. If you'd like help for a specific anxiety disorder, visit www.moodjuice.scot.nhs.uk to search for other guides. + There are many books and workbooks available to help people who experience anxiety problems. Talk to your mental health. Talk to your mental health care team for recommendations. There are bookstores that specialize in mental health and well-being materials, such as Odin Books in Vancouver. Within British Columbia, you may also borrow books for free from the Family Support and Resource Centre at BC Children's and Women's Hospitals. They have many self-help and reference materials on depression for women and their partners, for parents, and for children and youth. + If you'd like self-help materials with a bit of extra support from a person, Bounce Back: Reclaim Your Health is a guided self-help program for British Columbians who experience mild to moderate low mood or anxiety. You can get a DVD of tips to help you recognize and manage symptoms of anxiety, or you can learn more in-depth skills in a series of workbooks you complete at home. You work with a trained coach from the Canadian Mental Health Association who will offer support and advice by telephone or video conference. Bounce Back is free with a doctor's referral. For more information, visit www.bouncebackbc.ca. If you want to access the Bounce Back materials without a coach or referral, you can do that online in BC at www.bouncebackonline.ca." +I'm having a hard time coping with a physical health problem. Where can I find help?,"Physical health can have a big impact on mental health! Here are some resources to help you cope with the emotional challenges of living with a chronic health problem: + Self-Management BC offers free programs for adults of all ages who are experiencing any ongoing physical or mental health issues. Find information and strategies to help manage symptoms and take action toward the best life possible. Family members, friends, and loved ones are welcome to attend. Programs are available in languages other than English, including Chinese and Punjabi. On their website, you learn more about self-management research and find a workshop or telephone-based support program. Visit www.selfmanagementbc.ca or call toll-free 1-866-902-3767. + A group of BC psychologists and doctors have created a self-guided workbook called Positive Coping with Health Conditions for anyone who is dealing with a health problem and anyone who supports a loved one that experiences a health problem. The workbook discusses the links between physical health and mental health, and teaches you different skills to help you manage problems and difficult feelings well, get active, and work on healthy relationships. + Bounce Back: Reclaim Your Health is a guided self-help program for British Columbians who experience mild to moderate depression, low mood or anxiety. You can get a DVD of tips to help you recognize and manage symptoms of depression, or you can learn more in-depth skills in a series of workbook you complete at home. One of the workbooks, Reclaim Your Health, is focused on living with chronic health conditions. You work with a trained coach from the Canadian Mental Health Association who will offer support and advice by telephone or video conference. Bounce Back is free with a doctor's referral. For more information, visit www.bouncebackbc.ca. If you want to access the Bounce Back materials without a coach or referral, you can do that online in BC at www.bouncebackonline.ca. + Reclaim Your Life: From illness, disability, pain, or fatigue is a booklet from the Canadian Mental Health Association that offers practical tips and strategies to help you cope with a problem and get back to your usual routine. The booklet is available for purchase at www.livinglifetothefull.ca. It is part of a program called Living Life to the Full, an eight-week program that helps people make helpful changes in their lives. It's offered throughout the province, and you can find course listings on the website as well. + Many organizations support people who experience a particular illness or health problem. These organizations can often help people find appropriate support services or may even offer support groups of their own. You can also ask your health care team for recommendations. If you can't find support in person, you can see if there are any support groups online. + If you're having a hard time coping and feel that you need one-on-one support, a therapist or counsellor can be a great option. You can find more information on finding these professionals at www.heretohelp.bc.ca/ask-us/how-can-i-find-a-doctor-psychiatrist-psychologist-or-counsellor." +When is substance use a problem? Where can I go for help?,"Each person has a different relationship with substances like alcohol and other drugs, and people use substances for different reasons. What's beneficial for some may cause problems for others, or for the same person in different situations. + To learn more about substance use, check out Understanding Substance Use: A health promotion perspective. For more on supporting someone else, a useful resource is Helping People who Use Substances: A health promotion perspective. + To help you think about your relationship with substance, You and Substance Use: Stuff to think about...and ways to make changes is a great workbook. Another series, Making Healthier Choices about Substance Use: Tips for cutting back or quitting, has a lot of useful tips and resources if you want to change the way you use alcohol, marijuana, medications, methamphetamine, and tobacco. + If you or someone you care about needs more help, contact the Alcohol and Drug Information Referral Service to find support in your area. To get help anywhere in BC, call 1-800-663-1441. In Greater Vancouver, call 604-660-9382. + To learn more about substance use, visit the Centre for Addictions Research of BC." +Where can I find free or low-cost counselling?,"Mental health services like counselling or therapy may be covered by your BC Medical Services Plan (MSP) when you access the service through a hospital or mental health clinic. Find your local health authority to learn more about counselling services in your area. HealthLink BC's Find Services tool and Locator app can also help you find services. You often need a doctor's referral to access these types of programs. + Without a doctor's referral, you need to access care through the private system, which is not funded by the government. Private mental health services can be expensive. This can be a real barrier to finding good care. While there is no simple answer, there are several different places you can look: + If you have health benefits at work, ask about your coverage. Some plans will cover a certain number of private counselling or therapy sessions. In addition, a workplace Employee/Family Assistance Plan may offer some services or may refer you to community services. + Some psychologists, clinical counsellors, or other service providers may offer a sliding scale, which means that their costs are based on your income. Try contacting service providers directly to ask if they offer a sliding scale. One private clinic in Vancouver has a good list of lower-cost counselling options in the Vancouver area. For those outside of the Lower Mainland, you can still look at this list and see if any similar organizations might be in your community. + Contact a mental health organization like Anxiety Canada, the Canadian Mental Health Association, BC Schizophrenia Society, Institute of Families for Child and Youth Mental Health, Mood Disorders Association of BC, or Jessie's Legacy. They may offer services in your area, or they may have local connections that they can refer you to. + You can also email us and we'll try and give you some recommendations for your community." +Can I get help paying for prescription medications?,"BC PharmaCare covers the cost of some medications through Plan G, the Psychiatric Medications Plan, for people who need a medication to be well but cannot afford them. Your doctor or nurse practitioner must apply for your coverage on your behalf. Coverage usually lasts for one year, and then you can reapply if needed. Talk to your care team if you're interested in Plan G." +How can I pay for mental health care?,"Mental health services provided through the government-run (‘public') system, like services you receive through your local mental health centre or team, an outpatient psychiatry at a hospital are most often completely covered by MSP. As long as you are eligible for MSP, you won't have to pay to see someone. + For mental health services that aren't covered by MSP, such as psychotherapy or counselling with a private practitioner, you will have to cover the costs yourself. It's no secret that these services can be expensive, but you may be able to offset the costs through: + Extended health coverage from your own or an immediate family member's workplace benefits + Employee (Family) Assistance Program from your own or an immediate family member's workplace benefits + For students, school or campus mental health services + For Indigenous community members, services offered through your Band, Friendship Centre, Indigenous support organization, or the First Nations Health Authority + Cultural or faith communities may offer some mental health services + You may be able to claim some larger costs related to treatment of a mental health condition on your income tax return under health expenses + Some providers offer lower-cost services or a sliding scale, usually based on your income. Email us with your location and our information and referrals team can help you look for options in your area. + If costs are a barrier to health care, talk to your doctor to see if there are any services in the public health system (covered by MSP) that may be a good fit for you. You can also called the Mental Health Support Line at 310-6789 (no area code) for more information on local mental health services." +How do I apply for income assistance?,"Provincial income assistance has three income levels: basic assistance (also called welfare), Persons with Disabilities benefits (PWD), and the Persons with Persistent and Multiple Barriers to employment benefits (PPMB). All are administered by the Ministry of Social Development and Social Inclusion. Depending on the situation, mental illness may considered under PWD or PPMB. Addictions may not be included in PPMB applications. + PWD benefits are for people who have a disability that prevents them from working or going about their daily activities. Find information from the Ministry and read a fact sheet from the Disability Alliance of BC with information about the application process. + PPMB benefits are for people who experience multiple barriers to work. Find information from the Ministry and read a fact sheet from the Disability Alliance of BC with information about the application process. + The Disability Alliance of BC (formerly the BC Coalition of People with Disabilities) and help you navigate PWD and PPMB programs as well as Canada Pension Plan benefits. They have in-depth information on preparing your application, working through the application process, and handling appeals. PovNet can also connect you with an advocate to help you through the application process. + For more on provincial PWD benefits and advocacy tips, see Getting By on Social Assistance: Navigating the ‘welfare' system or read other articles in our Income issue of Visions Journal." +What is MSP?,"MSP stands for Medical Services Plan. It's a health insurance program managed by the government for people who live in British Columbia, Canada. MSP pays for things like doctor's appointments, appointments with specialist doctors like psychiatrists, and hospital stays you need to treat a medical problem. + Everyone who lives in BC must enroll in MSP. You pay a monthly fee based on your income. Some workplaces cover the costs of MSP fees for you. + Learn more about MSP here. If you have questions about applying for or managing your MSP coverage, call Health Insurance BC at 604 683-7151 in the Lower Mainland or 1-800-663-7100 in the rest of BC. They are open Monday – Friday from 8.00am – 4.30pm. You can also get help in person at your local Service BC office. + If you are new to BC, you have to wait three months before registering for MSP. + Bring your Care Card or BC Services Card with you when you go to medical appointments or use the pharmacy." +What is a referral?,"A referral means someone recommends you to another service. In health care, it usually means a request from your doctor to see a specialist like a psychiatrist. + To access any specialist in BC, you first need a referral. You may need to meet certain criteria, like a specific diagnosis or specific symptoms, to access some specialists. Your doctor can tell you what to expect. + Once your doctor has made the referral, the specialist's office will contact you with an appointment time. Make sure your doctor's office has your current contact information so the specialist can reach you. + The process is the same whether you see the same family doctor or visit a walk-in clinic. + Not all mental health programs in BC require a doctor's referral. This is good news for people who are looking for help! A ""self-referral"" means that you ask to see someone, and then you will be evaluated to see if you meet the criteria to receive services. Contact your local health authority to learn more about programs in your area:" +What's the difference between a psychiatrist and a registered psychologist?,"A psychiatrist is a medical doctor with extra training in mental health who can choose to prescribe medications. Some use psychotherapy (‘talk therapies') approaches like cognitive-behavioural therapy to treat mental health problems. Many psychiatrists work at hospitals, clinics, or health centres, and some have a private office. As they are specialist doctors, you will almost always need another doctor's referral to see a psychiatrist, and fees are covered by MSP. If you have a valid BC Services or CareCard, you do not need to pay to see a psychiatrist. + A registered psychologist focuses on different talk therapy or counselling approaches to treatments, but they don't prescribe medication. They have graduate degrees in psychology. There are two different ways to access registered psychologists: the public system and the private system. Registered psychologists in the public system work in some hospitals or schools. You may need a doctor's referral to access the program, and costs are usually covered by MSP. However, most people need to access registered psychologists through the private system. To do this, you can contact the psychologist yourself—you do not need a referral. Costs are not covered by MSP, but they may be covered by employee health plans. A registered psychologist's fees charged by hour vary, and some offer lower fees to people with lower incomes. + You've probably noticed that a lot of the differences come down to how you pay for different services and how these professionals are educated. The practical differences in how they work are not always so clear. When it comes to your treatment and care, the most important part is finding a professional who supports your own goals. Are you really focused on fine-tuning medications? Are you looking for a particular therapy approach? Does the professional's philosophy of care make sense to you? Do you like the professional you're talking to and do you feel safe sharing your experiences? Ultimately, your relationship with the professional is what matters. Instead of focusing on designation, look for a professional who meets your needs and your expectations. + Talk to your family doctor and ask for their recommendations + Ask local mental health organizations for help. You can find local branches through the provincial organizations behind HeretoHelp + Ask a community health centre, outpatient psychiatry program, or mental health team for suggestions + For a list of psychiatrists near you, search under ‘Specialist' in the College of Physicians and Surgeons of British Columbia's Find a Physician Tool but remember that you will first need a referral from a doctor (like your family doctor) + For a list of psychologists near you, search in the British Columbia Psychological Association's Find a Registered Psychologist tool and you can also learn more about finding a psychologist from the College of Psychologists of British Columbia" +What's the difference between psychotherapy and counselling?,"Psychotherapy and counselling have a lot in common and usually mean the same thing. Both are used to describe professionals who use talk-based approaches to help someone recover from a mental illness or mental health problem. Many different professionals may provide counselling or psychotherapy, including registered psychologists, registered clinical counsellors, psychiatrists, other therapists and counsellors, family doctors, psychiatric nurses, and faith leaders. + It's useful to talk to someone about any problem—a lot of people find that simply talking with friends or family can help them feel better. A professional therapist or counsellor can offer more: they have training, experience, and emotional distance (since they don't know you). They use different theories to listen to you, support you, and approach different problems or patterns. For example, a psychotherapy called cognitive-behavioural therapy is based on the theory that learning skills to change your thinking and actions can positively impact your emotions, well-being, and future thoughts and behaviours. A therapist could help you learn and practice these skills. + There are many psychotherapies with good evidence of being effective for different problems or illnesses. A few examples include cognitive-behavioural therapy, interpersonal therapy, dialectical behaviour therapy, solutions-focused brief psychotherapy, narrative therapy, and emotion-focused therapy. + In general, some aspects of therapy and counselling are the same, no matter which approach you choose: the expectations you bring to your counselling sessions, the match between your understanding of the problems and your therapist's understanding of the problem, and the trust and rapport that you have with your therapist. In fact, one research review found that 50% of the improvement seen in clients who just received active listening and support from a counsellor (called non-directive supportive therapy) was due simply to the relationship between client and therapist.1 Psychotherapy can and does work, but the professional you choose, and their match with your values, is also very important. + When you're looking for a professional, it's always a good idea to ask if they are a member of a professional organization (like those listed in the next section)." +What's the difference between CBT and DBT?,"CBT (cognitive-behavioural therapy) and DBT (dialectical behaviour therapy) are two forms of psychotherapy or “talk therapy.” In both, you work with a mental health professional to learn more about the challenges you experience and learn skills to help you manage challenges on your own. + Cognitive-behavioural therapy or CBT teaches you how your thoughts, feelings, and behaviours influence each other. For example, if you believe that people don't like you (thought), you might avoid social situations (behaviour) and feel lonely (feeling). However, CBT teaches you how to use these relationships to your advantage: a positive change in one factor (changing a thought or behaviour) can lead to positive changes in all factors. CBT is an approach that has been proven by research to work for many different mental health problems, including depression, anxiety disorders, eating disorders and substance use problems. + CBT is structured, short-term, goal-oriented and focused on the present. It starts with education around the particular mental illness or challenge and how the illness or challenge affects you. Next, you'll learn and practice skills and strategies like problem-solving or realistic thinking to help you make changes in your thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. You'll learn how you can use your new skills to deal with problems in the future. + Dialectical behaviour therapy or DBT is based on CBT, with greater focus on emotional and social aspects. DBT was developed to help people cope with extreme or unstable emotions and harmful behaviours. DBT is an evidence-based approach to help people regulate emotions. It started as a treatment for borderline personality disorder, and current research shows it may help with many different mental illnesses or concerns, particularly self-harm. + Key differences between CBT and DBT are validation and relationships. DBT teaches you that your experiences are real, and it teaches you how to accept who you are, regardless of challenges or difficult experiences. Relationships are also very important in DBT—including the relationships between you and your DBT practitioner. You may have frequent check-ins to talk about any successes or problems. Treatment may include a mix of one-on-one sessions and group sessions. In addition to CBT skills, you'll learn skills around managing your emotions, building relationships with others, coping well with problems or distress, acceptance, and mindfulness. + As with many talk therapies, it takes time and effort to enjoy the benefits of CBT and DBT skills. But once people master skills with support from your CBT or DBT therapist, they often find that their new skills and strategies become second nature—they are tools that last a lifetime." +What's the difference between antidepressants?,"There are many different types of antidepressant medications, and they each work in different ways. Antidepressants are divided into “classes” based on what they do and which chemical messengers in the brain (called neurotransmitters) they are thought to influence. Each class may contain several different medications, which each have slightly different ways of working. Below, you'll find common classes and examples of common medications. The first name is the generic name and name in brackets is the brand name. + SSRIs or selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors: fluoxetine (Prozac), paroxetine (Paxil), citalopram (Celexa), escitalopram (Cipralex), and sertraline (Zoloft) + SNRIs or serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors: venlafaxine (Effexor) and duloxetine (Cymbalta) + NDRIs or norepinephrine-dopamine reuptake inhibitors: bupropion (Wellbutrin and Zyban) + NaSSAs or noradrenergic and specific serotonergic antidepressants: mirtazapine (Remeron), which can also be classed as a TeCa or tetracyclic antidepressant + SARIs or serotonin antagonist and reuptake inhibitors: trazodone (Desyrel) + There are other classes of antidepressants (such as MAOIs or triclycics) that are much older and have more side effects or restrictions. They are usually prescribed when newer antidepressants don't work. Other medications such as lithium, thyroid medication, or antipsychotics may also be prescribed, often in combination with an antidepressant to boost its effect. Antidepressants are not only used to treat depression—they may be prescribed to treat other illnesses like anxiety disorders. + Only medical doctors like family doctors or psychiatrists can prescribe antidepressants. If your doctor recommends that you consider antidepressants, keep in mind that most people have to try a few different options before they find the right medication. It can be a frustrating process, especially when you feel unwell, but it's important to find something that works for you! Side effects and benefits can vary significantly between different people, and it's difficult to predict how a medication might work without trying it out first. Everyone responds to them differently. It's very important to have ongoing discussions with your health care team regarding your medication so you can bring up any problems or concerns—or even ask more about how your particular antidepressant works." +I received a diagnosis but I don't think it's right. What can I do?,"If possible, bring up your concerns with the professional who provided the diagnosis. That way, the professional can answer your questions and you can better understand their decision. + If that doesn't resolve the situation or a follow-up appointment isn't possible, you can ask for a second opinion. A second opinion is an assessment from a different professional. This can give you better understanding of what's going on and what to do about it. Second opinions are common when it comes to major health decisions—you won't hurt anyone's feelings and your doctor will try to accommodate reasonable requests for a second opinion. Talk to your family doctor (or go to a walk-in clinic) to discuss your options and get a referral to a different program or health professional, if needed. + For more how to get a second opinion, see HealthLinkBC's factsheet at www.healthlinkbc.ca. + For general tips on managing a diagnosis of a mental illness and working well with health care professionals, see HeretoHelp's Managing a Mental Illness series." +I was prescribed an antidepressant or other psychiatric medication but I don't think it's working. What can I do?,"If you're concerned about your medications, it's important to talk with the doctor or psychiatrist who prescribed your medications. While it can take a few weeks to really see improvements with many antidepressants, it's still a good idea to talk to your doctor about what to expect. + Talk to the doctor that prescribed your medication if you experience symptoms or side effects that are distressing you. If you want to talk to a trusted professional about the most common side effects, call your pharmacist. You can reach a pharmacist by phone after-hours by calling 811. + It's also best not to stop taking the medication or changing the dose on your own without first talking to a health care provider. While it might be tempting to stop taking your medication when you start feel better, it's important to follow your doctor's instructions. + In some cases, people can have an allergic reaction to a medication. Some reactions are not serious, like a rash. In these cases, you can call the pharmacist or call 811 to reach help after-hours. If you have a serious reaction like difficult breathing, dizziness, or confusion, call 911 right away. + When you start a new medication, your pharmacist will give you a printout with information like side effects, signs of an allergic reaction, how long it might take to work, and other information. It's good information to keep on hand, but it isn't always easy to read. When you pick up your medication, you can ask the pharmacist to go over the information with you so you understand what you should look for. + If a particular antidepressant or psychiatric medication just isn't working for you, there are many different options! Unfortunately, finding the right medication can take some trial and error. Different people can have very different experiences with the same medication, and often you need to try something to see if it works (or doesn't work) for you. This can be a frustrating process, especially when you want to start feeling better, but it's important to keep trying and work with your doctor so you understand your options. Many people feel intimidated talking to health professionals, but it's important to share information so you both understand what's going on and can make good, informed decisions about your health care. Some people also feel embarrassed talking about symptoms or side effects like changes in intercourse drive or digestion, but its important information for your doctor (and they know that changes in intercourse drive or digestion are common concerns). You can find strategies, including a mood journal, to help you work with doctors and other health care providers in our Working With Your Doctor toolkit." +An adult in my life seems ill and won't find help. What can I do?,"It's difficult when an adult child, sibling, parent, friend, co-worker, or other important person is struggling or behaving in ways that are causing harm. This can be a tricky situation—you want to help, but most adults are responsible for their own care. + There are two important points to think about. First, diagnosing a health condition, especially when symptom-checking is so easy online, can be dangerous. Diagnosis is still always best left to professionals who can look at the whole picture. Remember, too, that the person you care about may have a very different idea of what's causing their difficulties and what the negative impacts are on their life. Second, except in rare cases, the person being treated needs to be an active player in their own recovery to continue with their treatment, just as they would for any other health problem. If the vast majority of cases, you cannot do this work entirely for them—and trying to do so may damage your relationship. + Be honest about your concerns, the impacts you are seeing that worry you, listen to their point of view and work together to find a solution that works for everyone, even if it means a compromise. You may want to offer to go with them to an appointment, encourage them to do an online screening self-test, or involve someone else close to them who may be similarly concerned and may have more influence in encouraging them to notice changes and seek help. Because you may be feeling frustrated and helpless, it's important to get care and support for yourself during this time, especially if you're very close to the person you're worried about. + In serious situations, the BC Mental Health Act allows someone to be held for a period of time for psychiatric assessment without their consent if they are at risk of harming themselves or others. While it's necessary in some situations to get someone the care they need, it can be traumatic for everyone involved. For more on the BC Mental Health Act, see the Guide to the Mental Health Act." +I'm worried about my child or teenager. Where can I find help?,"It can be hard to figure out what to do if you're concerned about a young person in your family. Many people start by talking with their family doctor. If you don't have a family doctor, you can find a doctor through the College of Physicians and Surgeons of BC. You can also visit a walk-in clinic. Depending on the situation, your family doctor may offer everything you need. If your child needs more specialized services, such as psychiatry services, your family doctor needs to make a referral for your child. Many family doctors can also recommend community services or supports in your community. Learn more about the role of family doctors in the info sheet What to Expect from Your Family or Walk-In Clinic Doctor. + If your child's difficulties affect their performance or behaviour at school, the school may be involved. If your child's school has a counsellor, talk to them about services you can access through the school. School counsellors can also suggest community services. See the info sheet What to Expect from Your Child's School. + Kelty Mental Health Resource Centre offers information, resources, peer support, and system navigation to children, youth, and families experiencing mental health or substance use challenges. Their Help Finder tool and help you navigate the mental health system. Kelty Mental Health is based at BC Children's Hospital in Vancouver, but they support young people and their families across the province. + Institute of Families for Child and Youth Mental Health advocates for healthy young people and family support. They offer resources and education events across BC. + The Canadian Mental Health Association's BC Division offers Confident Parents: Thriving Kids, a phone-based education and support program to help parents or caregivers manage mild to moderate behaviour problems for children ages 3 to 12. This program is free, but it requires a doctor's referral. + You may also want to check out these resources from HeretoHelp on child and youth mental health and substance use:" +Someone I care about has a brain injury. Where can I find more information?,"A brain injury itself isn't the same as a mental illness, though someone who experiences a brain injury may also experience mental health problems. These mental health problems may stem from the injury itself or from thoughts around the injury (like feelings of loss, anger, or frustration when quality of life changes). In some cases, mental health challenges may not be related to a brain injury at all. The good news is that mental health problems are treatable, even if you or someone you care about has experienced a brain injury. It may be helpful to find a service provider who is familiar with both brain injuries and mental health. + For more information and support, visit the BC Brain Injury Association. You can also find local and regional groups and organizations in BC through the Brain Injury Association of Canada." +Someone I love has been diagnosed with depression. How can I help?,"We naturally want to help a loved one who isn't feeling well. How we can or should help may seem fairly obvious when a loved one experiences a physical health problem, but many people say they're not sure how to best help when a loved one experiences a mental illness like depression. Here are some tips: + You don't have to understand exactly what someone else is experiencing, you just need to recognize that it's a difficult experience. You can try something like, “I can see that this experience or these symptoms are really painful for you,” or, “I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling unwell.” If you have experienced depression yourself, you might say, “I know how you feel.” Just remember that everyone experiences illnesses like depression differently, and empathy is about recognizing the impact of the illness, not comparing symptoms. + You don't have to be an expert, but learning more about depression can help you understand what's going on (and maybe dispel some of the unhelpful myths around depression). Our Depression info sheet is a great place to start, and we have a list of resources at Q&A: Where can I learn more about depression? + Sometimes talking about problems or concerns can really help—in fact, many people who experience a mood disorder say that they just want to be heard. It's important to understand that talking about something difficult like experiences of depression can be very hard for your loved one. You cannot force them to talk about it, but you can invite them to, and create safe and quiet spaces to talk. If a loved one opens up to you, listen actively—that is, without distractions like your phone or the TV. Really pay attention to what they have to say. Listen with empathy and without judgement. Even if you don't understand the problem or see the problem in a different way, your main concern is the distress or difficult feelings your loved one is experiencing. You can find in-depth tips on listening and communicating well in Module Three of the Family Toolkit. Some people are not ready to talk about everything at once, or at all. That's okay! Respect your loved one's boundaries and let them tell you what they're ready to talk about. + Even when you have the best intentions, unsolicited advice can be unhelpful. You likely can't fix the problem, and you may not know the whole story. If you'd like to share what worked for you in a similar situation, you can ask if the other person would like to talk about strategies that worked for you. + Different people need different things—don't assume you know what's best! Some people need emotional help, like someone they can talk with. Other people may have a good relationship with a counsellor or other professional, but they might need practical help, like help around the house or help sticking to their treatment plan. And others may simply want to be included in some social events. By asking what a person needs, you may also be less tempted to give advice. + When people experience an episode of depression, they can have a lot of very negative thoughts and feelings. This can take a real toll on others. It's a good idea to seek support for yourself—there are support groups just for family members and friends. The BC Schizophrenia Society has a directory of family support groups around BC for any mental illness. + If your loved one isn't happy with their treatment or would like to try a different option, you can also help them seek different resources or services. You can find general advice in the Ask Us section of HeretoHelp. To find local services, call the BC Mental Health Support Line at 310-6789 (no area code) or email us. + This is very important! You are not responsible for your loved one's treatment (unless your loved one is your child under 19)—but you can support them as they work towards recovery. In most cases, your loved one's treatment and recovery plans are their choice—you are there to offer support and encouragement. + In order for any treatment to work, your loved one needs to be actively involved. Forcing or threatening treatment generally doesn't work and will only hurt everyone involved. In most cases, anyone 19 years of age and older is free to make their own choices. And their choices may include refusing treatment or choosing a treatment you disagree with. It's important to be respectful and keep honest communication open between you. You can learn more about dealing with this situation in Ask Us: An adult in my life seems ill and won't find help. What can I do? + If your loved one says that they have thoughts of ending their life, it's important to take action. Call 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433) at any time or message online at www.crisiscentrechat.ca between noon and 1am. If you think your loved one is in immediate danger, you can always call 911 or go to a hospital emergency room." +Someone I love has been diagnosed with schizophrenia. How can I help?,"We naturally want to help a loved one who isn't feeling well. How we can or should help may seem fairly obvious when a loved one experiences a physical health problem, but many people say they're not sure how to best help when a loved one experiences a mental illness like schizophrenia. Here are some tips: + You don't have to be an expert in schizophrenia, but learning more can help you understand what's going on. There are a lot of myths about schizophrenia, so it's a good idea to find some trustworthy resources. Our Schizophrenia info sheet is a great place to start. You can also find a lot of information from the BC Schizophrenia Society. + Sometimes talking about problems or concerns can really help. It's important to understand that talking about something difficult like experiences of schizophrenia can be very hard for your loved one—and the symptoms of schizophrenia can also make conversations difficult. If a loved one opens up to you, listen actively—that is, without distractions like your phone or the TV. Really pay attention to what they have to say. Give them time to finish their thoughts, even if it takes a bit longer than usual. Listen with empathy and without judgement. Even if you don't understand the problem or you see the problem in a different way, your main concern is the distress or difficult feelings your loved one is experiencing. You can find in-depth tips on listening and communicating well in Module Three of the Family Toolkit. Some people are not ready to talk about everything at once, or at all. That's okay! Respect your loved one's boundaries and let them tell you when they're ready to talk. + Symptoms of schizophrenia like hallucinations (sensations that aren't real, like hearing voices) or delusions (beliefs that can't be true, like believing that you are being followed by a spy) can take some time to stop even when people are receiving treatment and following their treatment plan. As a group, these very distressing symptoms are called psychosis. Many people have a hard time responding to a loved one's hallucinations or delusions. It's best to avoid arguing about these experiences. Remember that delusion are symptoms of schizophrenia—they are not thoughts that you can talk someone out of. Telling someone that their experiences aren't real or aren't true doesn't help when the experiences feel very real to that person! A better approach is to empathize with the feelings that hallucinations or delusions bring up—without confirming or denying the hallucination or delusion. For example, if a loved one is frustrated or upset when they hear voices, it isn't helpful to say something like, “You're okay! It isn't real. I don't hear anything.” Instead, you might say, “I can only image how upsetting that voice must be. I can see the voice makes you feel scared.” Know that with good treatment and support, symptoms like hallucinations and delusions become much easier for people to manage and lose importance. + Ask how you can help. When people experience a serious mental illness like schizophrenia, they may want to plan how they can take action if they start to feel unwell again, especially if they have dependent children. These plans, such as advanced directives or Ulysses Agreements, are made when a person feels well and are meant to communicate their wishes to loved ones and their care team. Ask your loved one if they have a plan in place so you know what they need if they need help. If you'd like to learn more about planning for care, see the BC Schizophrenia Society. + If a loved one is experiencing an episode of psychosis or is recovering for an episode of psychosis, they might need extra help. For example, people who are actively experiencing hallucinations or delusions might need a lot of personal space and feel uncomfortable being around a lot of people or even making eye contact. When people are recovering from an episode of psychosis, they may need a quiet space and a lot of rest. Sometimes people can get back into their usual routines fairly quickly, while other times it may take a lot of time (and effort) to get back into routines. Keep in mind that too much help can be a bit counterproductive. It may well be faster and easier for you to take care of your loved one's tasks or chores yourself, but rebuilding activity and confidence are a big part of recovery. Encourage and support your loved one as they take on daily responsibilities, and let them tell you when they need extra help. + Schizophrenia can be a difficult illness—for everyone. During episodes of psychosis, your loved one may experience frightening sensations that you can't understand. They may act in ways that you don't understand. Other symptoms of schizophrenia can make it hard for people to express emotions or feelings, communicate clearly, or seem interested in others. It's important to know that these are symptoms of an illness. They are no one's fault, but they can still be hard to cope with. Consider reaching out to a family and friends support group for your own support. The BC Schizophrenia Society has a directory of groups around BC at www.bcss.org/monthly-meetings-calendar/. + As a family member, it's important to take care of yourself. Try to maintain your regular schedule and activities, such as your exercise routine and hobbies. Ask another family member or good friend to provide help with caregiving, especially in the early days of your loved one's illness. If you need help balancing time for self-care with caregiving duties, check out the BC Schizophrenia Society's Family Respite Program. + Try to maintain your friendships or the network of people that you have in your life. These will later become important supports as your loved one recovers. Educate them and update them on your loved one's recovery. People are sometimes afraid to ask questions about schizophrenia and this will put them at ease. + This is very important! You are not responsible for your loved one's treatment (unless your loved one is your child under 19), but you can support them. Schizophrenia can make it difficult for people to make and go to appointments and follow their treatment plan. With your loved one's permission, you may choose to help by reminding them of appointments, taking them to appointments, or whatever helps in your situation. If your loved one isn't happy with their treatment or would like to try a new approach, you can encourage them to talk with their care team, like their doctor or mental health team—it can be dangerous to stop or change a treatment without a doctor's support. + Treatment can be a difficult area for loved ones. It's hard to see someone you love in pain. You might be scared of the things your loved one is experiencing. You want to help. But in order for any treatment to work, your loved one needs to be active in their care. Forcing or threatening treatment generally doesn't work (or if it does, in the case of an emergency, only for a short time) and can often hurt everyone involved. In most cases, anyone 19 years of age and older and not at risk of harm is free to make their own choices. And their choices may include refusing treatment or choosing a treatment that you disagree with. It helps everyone if you can be respectful and keep honest communication open between you. You can learn more about dealing with this situation in Q&A: An adult in my life seems ill and won't find help. What can I do?. + If you think your loved one is at risk of harming themselves or others and they refuse help, it is possible to have them evaluated by a psychiatrist under the Mental Health Act. This process may involve police and other first responders, and it can be a difficult and stressful process for everyone. But it can also be a necessary step if someone is in danger. You can learn more about the Mental Health Act in the info sheet Families Coping with a Crisis and you can find the Guide to the Mental Health Act at www.health.gov.bc.ca/library/publications/year/2005/MentalHealthGuide.pdf. For a more in-depth discussion of the Mental Health Act, see a video with lawyer and health law consultation Gerrit Clements. + If your loved one says that they have thoughts of ending their life, it's important to take action. Call 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433) at any time or message online at www.crisiscentrechat.ca between noon and 1am. If you think your loved one is in immediate danger, you can always call 911 or go to a hospital emergency room." +I'm a young person and one of my parents has a mental illness. What can I do?,"Someone else's illness is not your fault. You also can't control how someone else feels, their illness, or the things they do or say. What you can do is take care of yourself. + Learning more about your parent's illness can make it a bit easier to understand what they experience. On this website, you can find easy-to-read booklets on mental illnesses as well as longer info sheets on many different mental illnesses. You can also find information for young people from the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health. + It's important to take care of yourself, too! A lot of people have a big mix of feelings when a parent isn't well. You might feel angry, embarrassed, scared, or many other things. These feelings and experiences can have a big impact on the way your think about yourself and other people. When you're on an airplane and the flight attendants go through the safety demonstration, they tell you to put your own oxygen mask on before your help other people. That's because it's hard to help someone else if you aren't well yourself. Here are some programs specifically for young people: + Kids in Control Support Group Program from the BC Schizophrenia Society helps children and youth ages 8-18 understand mental illnesses, cope with challenges, and take care of their own health and well-being. If Kids in Control is not currently available at your local branch, your branch can order materials so you can work through them on your own. + Super Saturday Club from CMHA Vancouver-Fraser is a free recreation group for children and youth ages 8-17 who have a parent that experiences a mental illness. To learn more, visit www.vancouver-fraser.cmha.bc.ca. + If you're having trouble coping with something going on at home, ask for some help! Here are some places you can go: + A teacher or counsellor at school + An adult you trust, like a friend's parent or another family member + Kids Help Phone: visit www.kidshelpphone.ca to learn about taking care of yourself and chat with a counsellor, or call 1-800-668-6868 to talk with a counsellor + YouthinBC: Visit www.youthinbc.com to chat with a trained volunteer (noon-1.00am Pacific Time) + BC Mental Health Support Line: If you ever need to talk to someone or you'd like to see what kind of resources are in your community, call 310-6789 (no area code) at any time" +"I have thoughts of suicide, or someone I care about is talking about suicide. What should I do?","If you need to talk to someone or you aren't sure how to help someone you care about, call 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433) at any time. Or type your concern using live chat (like texting online) at www.crisiscentrechat.ca between noon and 1am. They can help you, and they can suggest good local resources. If you're at risk of harm or think someone else is in danger and you need help right now, call 911. + It's scary to have thoughts of suicide or hear that someone you can care about has thoughts of suicide. Thoughts of suicide don't mean that someone will end their life, but it's a sign that they need extra help or support. If you have thoughts of suicide, it's important to talk with your doctor or mental health service provider. If you're supporting someone else, encourage them to seek help. + Coping With Suicidal Thoughts is a good resource to help you understand and manage difficult feelings. + Our info sheet on suicide has information on suicide, helping someone else, and finding help. What is Suicide? is a booklet with audio in plain language for lower literacy readers. + The Centre for Suicide Prevention has many resource toolkits on suicide for different audiences, including people serving in the military, young people, teens, older adults, Aboriginal community members, and LGBT community members." +"Cannabis is legally allowed to 19+ but there are doctor groups saying it's potentially harmful to age 25. Any use or certain use? What's myth and what's fact? If I'm a parent, what should I tell my young adult?","Using cannabis has the potential for benefits and harms. Young people use cannabis, like other psychoactive drugs, to feel good, to feel better, to do better or to explore. Trying cannabis out of curiosity, as an experiment, or while socializing with friends, is related to moderate use and lower potential for harm. Using cannabis to cope with daily life, deal with unpleasant feelings, or fit in with a social group has higher potential for harm. This is because dealing with these kinds of issues is associated with frequent and heavier use, less thought about potential harms and little consideration of alternatives for coping such as talking with a parent or trusted adult or physical activity with friends. + Evidence suggests that the younger a person is when they start using cannabis and the more often they use, the greater the potential for harms. The legal age to use cannabis in BC is 19. However, our brains do not finish developing until about age 25. Delaying cannabis use until early adulthood may reduce potential harmful effects on the brain. + Some young people, especially those with many factors predisposing them to serious and persistent mental health issues, should probably not use cannabis. Cannabis has been associated with an increased risk for psychosis and schizophrenia in this small group of people. Some people with serious mental health issues have also reported that using cannabis has helped them cope with their illness by helping them feel less anxious or stressed. As in most situations, balancing potential benefits and harms of using cannabis will be key for young people who have serious mental health concerns. + Mixing drugs, such as cannabis and alcohol, can also increase the possibility of experiencing harms. Intoxication may be more intense and long lasting and the young person may not appreciate how impaired they are. We often suggest, “Not too much, not too often, and only in a safe context” as a simple way to gauge your use of any psychoactive substance. + As a parent or caring adult, an open respectful relationship with a young person is one of your best resources and ways to prevent harms from substance use. Letting the youth know they can approach you at any time to talk about cannabis, other substances, or anything else of concern to them, says they matter to you and you are ready to listen and engage in dialogue with them. This is a great place to begin addressing anything that might come the young person's way in life! + The Canadian Institute for Substance Use Research, formerly CARBC, is a member of the BC Partners for Mental Health and Addictions Information. The institute is dedicated to the study of substance use in support of community-wide efforts aimed at providing all people with access to healthier lives, whether using substances or not. For more, visit www.cisur.ca." +What's the difference between mental health and mental illness?,"‘Mental health' and ‘mental illness' are increasingly being used as if they mean the same thing, but they do not. Everyone has mental health, just like everyone has health. As the World Health Organization famously says, “There is no health without mental health.” In the course of a lifetime, not all people will experience a mental illness, but everyone will struggle or have a challenge with their mental well-being (i.e., their mental health) just like we all have challenges with our physical well-being from time to time. + When we talk about mental health, we're talking about our mental well-being: our emotions, our thoughts and feelings, our ability to solve problems and overcome difficulties, our social connections, and our understanding of the world around us. + A mental illness is an illness the affects that way people think, feel, behave, or interact with others. There are many different mental illnesses, and they have different symptoms that impact peoples' lives in different ways. + Health isn't like an on/off switch. There are different degrees of health. People move on a continuum ranging from great or good health to so-so health to poor health to illness or disability. For example, some people have good health and have no problems going about their lives. Some people experience serious health problems, and their poor health has a very negative impact on their life. Some people have serious health problems that last for a long time, and others have serious health problems that resolve very quickly. Many people fall somewhere in the middle—they're generally in good health, though the occasional problem may come up. Mental health is the same way. + Just as someone who feels unwell may not have a serious illness, people may have poor mental health without a mental illness. We all have days where we feel a bit down, or stressed out, or overwhelmed by something that's happening in our lives. An important part of good mental health is the ability to look at problems or concerns realistically. Good mental health isn't about feeling happy and confident 100% of time and ignoring any problems. It's about living and coping well despite problems. + Just as it's possible to have poor mental health but no mental illness, it's entirely possible to have good mental health even with a diagnosis of a mental illness. That's because mental illnesses (like other health problems) are often episodic, meaning there are times (‘episodes') of ill health and times of better or good health. + With the right supports and tools, anyone can live well—however they define well—and find meaning, contribute to their communities, and work towards their goals." +Where can I find more information about depression?,"Our info sheets on mood disorders, bipolar disorder, and depression offer information on mood problems, treatment options, and resources in BC. We also offer What is Depression? It's a booklet with audio in plain language for lower literacy readers. You can take a screening self-test for depression (and other mental health concerns). The adult depression tool also screens for signs of bipolar disorder. + If you want to go beyond the basics, our Managing Depression series can help you deal with a diagnosis of depression, work with doctor, and prevent relapse of depression. You'll also find many experiences and perspectives around depression—reading personal stories can help you feel less alone." +What's the difference between anxiety and an anxiety disorder?,"Anxiety is a normal reaction to many different kinds of events and situations in our lives. Anxiety is one of our internal warning systems that alerts us to danger or other threats and prepares our bodies to fight back or get out of a dangerous situation. (Scientists call this the ‘fight, flight, or freeze' response.) + A manageable amount of anxiety from time to time can be helpful. For example, it can motivate you to prepare for a test a school or finish a task at work. Even happy events like moving to a new home or celebrating an important milestone can bring up anxiety—all of this is just part of being human. + Anxiety is a problem when it becomes overwhelming or unmanageable and it comes up unexpectedly. Anxiety disorders are mental illnesses that have a big impact your life. People may avoid going about their daily lives in order to avoid anxiety. They may experience a lot of uncomfortable physical sensations and physical health problems. Many people say that they know their anxiety isn't based in reality, but they feel ‘trapped' by their thought and feelings. Anxiety disorders can be treated. It's important to seek help if you're concerned about anxiety in your life. + Normal anxiety... + Is related to a specific situation or problem + Lasts only as long as the situation or problem/p> + Is proportional to the situation or problem/p> + Is a realistic response to a realistic problem or situation/p> + When someone experiences an anxiety disorder... + Anxiety may come up unexpectedly, for seemingly no reason + The anxiety response to a situation or problem may be much stronger that they would expect + They may experience a lot of unrealistic anxiety, such as fear of a situation that likely will never happen + Anxiety may last for a long time, even when the situation or problem has been resolved + Anxiety may feel impossible to control or manage + They may avoid situations or things that they believe to trigger anxiety symptoms + Here's an example of normal anxiety and an anxiety disorder. Many people are a bit nervous about flying, which is a totally normal reaction. Yet, if they have to travel for work, they can can get on a plane without any problems. Someone with an anxiety disorder, on the other hand, may not be able to travel to the airport—even if it puts their job in jeopardy. + *Formerly classified as an anxiety disorder and currently classified as Trauma- and Stressor-Related Disorders + **Formerly classified as an anxiety disorder and currently classified as Obsessive-Compulsive and Related Disorders" +What's the difference between anxiety and stress?,"Stress and anxiety are often used interchangeably, and there is overlap between stress and anxiety. Stress is related to the same ‘fight, flight, or freeze' response as anxiety, and the physical sensations of anxiety and stress may be very similar. + The cause of stress and anxiety are usually different, however. Stress focuses on mainly external pressures on us that we're finding hard to cope with. When we are stressed, we usually know what we're stressed about, and the symptoms of stress typically disappear after the stressful situation is over. + Anxiety, on the other hand, isn't always as easy to figure out. Anxiety focuses on worries or fears about things that could threaten us, as well as anxiety about the anxiety itself. Stress and anxiety are both part of being human, but both can be problems if they last for a long time or have an impact on our well-being or daily life." +What's the difference between sadness and depression?,"Sadness is a normal reaction to a loss, disappointment, problems, or other difficult situations. Feeling sad from time to time is just another part of being human. In these cases, feelings of sadness go away quickly and you can go about your daily life. + Other ways to talk about sadness might be ‘feeling low,' ‘feeling down,' or ‘feeling blue.' A person may say they are feeling ‘depressed,' but if it goes away on its own and doesn't impact life in a big way, it probably isn't the illness of depression. + Depression is a mental illness that affects your mood, the way you understand yourself, and the way you understand and relate to things around you. It can also go by different names, such as clinical depression, major depressive disorder, or major depression. Depression can come up for no reason, and it lasts for a long time. It's much more than sadness or low mood. People who experience depression may feel worthless or hopeless. They may feel unreasonable guilty. Some people may experience depression as anger or irritability. It may be hard to concentrate or make decisions. Most people lose interest in things that they used to enjoy and may isolate themselves from others. There are also physical signs of depression, such as problems with sleep, appetite and energy and unexplainable aches or pains. Some may experience difficult thoughts about death or ending their life (suicide). Depression lasts longer than two weeks, doesn't usually go away on its own, and impacts your life. It's a real illness, and it is very treatable. It's important to seek help if you're concerned about depression." +What is dysthymia or persistent depressive disorder?,"Dysthymia, now called persistent depressive disorder or PDD, is a mood disorder. It is related depression (major depressive disorder). The difference between the two is in the number of symptoms and the amount of time that they last. Someone diagnosed with PDD would experience two to four of the symptoms below for at least two years with no periods of wellness during that time, while someone diagnosed with major depressive disorder would experience five or more of the symptoms below for at least two weeks. + Symptoms of PDD include: + There is a myth that PDD is not as severe an illness as major depressive disorder, but research shows that the disability of the illness, like the ability to work productively and enjoy hobbies, may be as severe in PDD as it is in major depressive disorder. As PDD involves a smaller number of symptoms that last for a very long time, many people begin to assume PDD is just part of their personality rather than an illness that can be effectively treated. So you should most certainly talk to a doctor or mental health professional if you think you might have PDD." +What is cyclothymic disorder?,"Cyclothymic disorder is a subtype of bipolar disorder. Much like bipolar disorder, the symptoms of cyclothymia include three or more symptoms of hypomania, and five or more symptoms of depression. Like bipolar disorder, people may experience wellness between episodes of hypomania and depression. + Symptoms of hypomania include: + Symptoms of depression include: + Talk to a doctor or mental health professional if you think you might have cyclothymic disorder." +What does rapid cycling mean?,"Rapid cycling means that someone diagnosed with bipolar disorder (or depression) experiences four or more episodes of depression and/or mania in one year. + Rapid cycling can happen any time someone experiences bipolar disorder—about 10-20% of people diagnosed with bipolar disorder experience rapid cycling at some point. In many cases, rapid cycling eventually goes away on its own and people return to a pattern of longer and less frequent episodes." +Where can I find information and help for borderline personality disorder?,"Borderline personality disorder or BPD is a treatable illness. It's made up of five groups of symptoms around behaviours, emotions, relationships, sense of identity, and awareness. You can read our info sheet on borderline personality disorder. We also have an entire issue of Visions Journal on BPD, where you'll find information on treatments and support and personal stories from people who are managing BPD and living well. + The Borderline Personality Disorder Society of BC offers a support group in Victoria and a resource library, and they have a listing of services in BC. + In Vancouver, the DBT Centre of Vancouver offer dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT) ad specializes in helping people who experience BPD. The offer individual, group, and family counselling, and they have a useful blog on DBT skills. + There are several good, helpful books available now, including:" +What is schizoid personality disorder?,"A personality disorder is a pattern of thoughts, feelings, and behaviours that last for a long time and causes some sort of problem or distress. + Schizoid personality disorder or SPD affects social interactions and relationships. People with SPD may have a hard time relating to others and showing emotions. They may avoid close relationships and prefer to spend their time alone, seeming distant even to close family members. Many people don't respond to strong emotions like anger, even when others try to provoke them. On the outside, people with SPD may seem cold or aloof, showing little emotion. + While they have a similar name, schizoid personality disorder isn't the same as schizophrenia. + Schizoid personality disorder is believed to be relatively uncommon. While some people with SPD may see it as part of who they are, other people may feel a lot of distress, especially around social interactions. Some medications may help people manage symptoms and psychotherapy may help people build new skills and improve relationships. + To find help for schizoid personality disorder, talk to your family doctor, find a psychologist through the BC Psychological Association, or call 811 to talk to a HealthLink BC navigator." +What is antisocial personality disorder?,"A personality disorder is a pattern of thoughts, feelings, and behaviours that last for a long time and causes some sort of problem or distress. + Antisocial personality disorder or ASPD affects the way people think about the rights of others. Someone with ASPD may disregard laws or expectations, lack remorse when they hurt others or break the law, make reckless decisions, and believe they are superior to others. People may see someone with ASPD as overly dramatic, impulsive, manipulative, and deceitful. Some people may appear charming, at least on the surface. Like all mental illnesses, antisocial personality disorder is a spectrum. Some people may only occasionally act out, while others may break the law often and spend a lot of time in the criminal justice system. + ASPD is only diagnosed in adults, but people with ASPD start to have problems with conduct or antisocial behaviours at a young age. They may be diagnosed with conduct disorder during childhood. + Treatment for antisocial personality disorder, usually psychotherapy, can help reduce the harms of ASPD and help people build empathy towards others. ASPD is treatable and it may improve as a person approaches middle age. + All of us have hurt someone else or acted without thinking of others' needed. It's important to remember that antisocial personality disorder is an enduring pattern around lack of empathy and lack of remorse. Only a doctor or mental health professional can diagnose illnesses like ASPD. + To find help for antisocial personality disorder, talk to your family doctor, find a psychologist through the BC Psychological Association, or call 811 to talk to a HealthLink BC navigator." +What is obsessive-compulsive personality disorder?,"A personality disorder is a pattern of thoughts, feelings, and behaviours that last for a long time and causes some sort of problem or distress. + Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder or OCPD is about control. People with OCPD have very inflexible thinking and expect everything to be ordered, perfect, and done their ""correct"" way. This happens at the expense of other important things in life, including relationships with others. Work can take priority over every other part of life, too, and people with OCPD may seem excessively dedicated, but may be unable to complete tasks due to perfectionism. They may struggle to delegate and may distrust other people's contributions. People with OCPD may not tolerate uncertainty and may have a very rigid understanding of the world—something is either right or wrong. They may also have a hard time spending money on themselves or others, and they may experience hoarding, the inability to throw away items from their homes. The conflict between the desire for neatness or order and the inability to throw things out may cause a lot of anxiety. + While obsessive-compulsive personality disorder and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) have a similar name, they are not the same illness. People with obsessive-compulsive disorder usually understand that their obsessions and compulsions are illogical and usually experience a lot of distress, even though they may not be able to stop obsessions or compulsions. Compulsions are an attempt to reduce anxiety, not to find pleasure. People with obsessive-compulsive personality disorder may view their thoughts as part of who they are, see their thoughts as logical, and may find pleasure or benefit in completing compulsive tasks. They may experience a lot of distress when they can't achieve control or the perfectionism they want. + Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder is one of the most common personality disorders. Treatment may include some combination of psychotherapy, medication, and self-help strategies. To find help for OCPD, talk to your family doctor, find a psychologist through the BC Psychological Association, or call 811 to talk to a HealthLink BC navigator." +What is binge-eating disorder?,"Binge-eating disorder or BED is a type of eating disorder. It involves episodes of eating a lot of food in a short amount of time, past the point of feeling full, and feelings of being out of control or unable to stop eating. People who experience binge-eating disorder may binge even when they don't feel hungry. They may feel temporarily comforted by food, and then feel depressed, upset, guilty, or ashamed of their eating. As a result, many people try to keep binge-eating symptoms a secret. You can't tell if someone experiences binge-eating disorder just from the way they look or the way they eat around others. + While a lot of people have the experience of eating too much a few times and feeling uncomfortable after, people who experience binge-eating disorder experience many binges for a long period of time. + Binge-eating disorder is treatable. Talk to your doctor or a mental health professional if you think you might have binge-eating disorder." +What's the difference between dissociative identity disorder (multiple personality disorder) and schizophrenia?,"Sometimes, people confuse dissociative identity disorder, formerly known as multiple personality disorder, and schizophrenia. Schizophrenia does mean “split mind,” but the name was meant to describe the ‘split' from reality that you experience during an episode of psychosis, as well as changes in thoughts, emotions, and other functions. Dissociative identity disorder, on the other hand, does cause a split or fragmented understanding of a person's sense of themselves. + Dissociative identity disorder is really more about fragmented identities than many different personalities that develop on their own. Most people see different parts of their being as part of the whole person. For people who experience DID, identity fragments may have very different characteristics, including their own history, identity, and mannerisms. A key part of DID is dissociation—feeling detached to the world around you. People who experience DID may have many unexplainable gaps in their memory, forget information they're already learned, or have difficulties recalling things they've said or done. Unlike portrayals of DID on TV or in movies, DID may not be obvious to others, and it can take a lot of time to come to the diagnosis. + Schizophrenia is a serious mental illness that causes hallucinations (sensations that aren't real) and delusions (beliefs that can't possibly be true, in addition to other symptoms like jumbled thoughts, jumbled speech, and difficulties expressing emotions. People who experience schizophrenia may hear or feel things that aren't real or believe things that can't be real, but these aren't separate identities." +What's the difference between psychosis and schizophrenia?,"Psychosis is a syndrome or group of symptoms. Someone experiencing an episode of psychosis is having a ‘break' with reality. Major symptoms of psychosis are hallucinations and delusions. Hallucinations are sensations that are not real, such as hearing voices or sounds that aren't real. Hearing voices is a common hallucination, but hallucinations can be experiences with any sense—hearing, sight, smell, taste, or touch. Delusions are strong beliefs that can't possibly be true. Common delusions include the belief that someone is following or monitoring you, or the belief that you have extraordinary powers or abilities. Other symptoms of psychosis include difficulties concentrating, completing tasks, or making decisions. Thoughts may feel ‘jumbled' or confused. Some people have a hard time following conversations or speaking clearly. Psychosis can even affect the way people move or express their emotions. + Schizophrenia is a mental illness that causes psychosis, but schizophrenia also has other symptoms. And it isn't the only cause of psychosis. In some cases, other mental illnesses cause psychosis, including depression, bipolar disorder, dementia and borderline personality disorder. Psychosis may come up during times of extreme stress, a major lack of sleep, or trauma. People who are using or withdrawing from certain drugs or medications may experience psychosis. Psychosis may also be caused by a brain injury, neurological problem, or other health problem. So while psychosis can be a part of schizophrenia, it can be caused by many other things too. + Psychosis and schizophrenia are treatable. It's important to seek help as soon as possible." +What are positive and negative symptoms?,"Positive and negative symptoms are medical terms for two groups of symptoms in schizophrenia. + Positive symptoms add. Positive symptoms include hallucinations (sensations that aren't real), delusions (beliefs that can't be real), and repetitive movements that are hard to control. + Negative symptoms take away. Negative symptoms include the inability to show emotions, apathy, difficulties talking, and withdrawing from social situations and relationships. + There is also a third group of symptoms, usually called cognitive symptoms. This includes anything related to thinking, such as disorganized thoughts, memory problems, and difficulties with focus and attention." +What is a prodrome?,"Prodrome is a medical term for early signs or symptoms of an illness or health problem that appear before the major signs or symptoms start. + Psychosis, a group of symptoms found in disorders like schizophrenia, is one illness with a specific prodrome. With psychosis, prodrome signs and symptoms start before full symptoms like hallucinations and delusions appear. + Common symptoms in the prodrome of psychosis include: + These symptoms are found in many other mental illnesses, so it isn't always clear at the time if this is a prodrome of psychosis or schizophrenia or something else. It's best to seek help whenever you are concerned about your mental health or a loved one's mental health. Psychosis and schizophrenia are much easier to manage and treat when treatment starts early." +I'm an adult and I think I might have ADHD. What can I do next?,"While we think of attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder as an illness that affects children, it can last into adulthood—and some people aren't diagnosed until much later in life. + ADHD is diagnosed like any other mental illness, so your family doctor is a good place to start. Your family doctor may be able to assess your mental health and start treatment, if needed, or they may refer you to more specialized mental health services. + There are a few organizations that can help you find good resources and find some support: + The Canadian Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder Resource Alliance (CADDRA) is an organization that supports health professionals who research ADHD, treat and support people diagnosed with ADHD, and trains professionals. In the ‘Public Info' section of their website, you'll find more information on adult ADHD and the assessment process. You'll also find extensive resources and recommended publications. + The Centre for ADHD Awareness, Canada provides education and advocacy for Canadians who experience ADHD. They have a section on their website for adults, including information on symptoms and assessments, treatments, ADHD in the workplace, resources, and a reading list. + CHADD Vancouver offers a monthly support group for adults in the Vancouver area." +What's the difference between substance use and addiction?,"People tend to use the word “addiction” to mean very different things. “I am addicted to shopping” might mean only that the speaker likes to shop. On the other hand, “He is addicted” might mean the speaker thinks the other person is completely unable to control his own behaviour. When people use the word about psychoactive (mind-altering) substances like alcohol, tobacco, or other drugs, they often assume these drugs are dangerous and have the power to control human behaviour. + The evidence, however, suggests a quite different picture. While substance use can clearly contribute to health and social problems, substances can be beneficial for some people in some situations. Many people celebrate a special occasion with a nice glass of wine, for example. Some people use tobacco as a powerful symbol in cultural and spiritual ceremonies. In fact, substances have been used by humans throughout history for many reasons: to feel good, to feel better, to improve performance, for cultural/spiritual reasons, and to have new experiences. + Substance use is more complicated than just “good” or “bad.” It's helpful to think of substance use along a continuum, from beneficial use to harmful use. Along the middle of the continuum, substance use may be both beneficial and harmful. You have an enjoyable night out with friends, but feel a little ill the next day. At the far end of the continuum, some people develop dependence—they need to continually use the drug in order to feel normal and will keep using even when that leads to financial difficulties, problems at home or at work, health problems, or legal problems. + In general, substance use is a problem when it causes problems for you or others—and how much use causes problems will be different for different people in different situations. The reason a person uses a substance influences the risk of developing problems. For instance, if a person uses a substance to have fun, only occasional social use may follow. But when a person uses a substance to cope with a long-term problem such as social anxiety, then more long lasting and intense use may follow. Managing our risk involves being aware of why we are using and what impacts our use is having on ourselves and those around us. The wisdom of our ancestors suggests a guiding principle—not too much, not too often, and only in safe contexts." +How can I find help for an alcohol or drug use problem?,"Seeking to make changes in the way you use substances like alcohol or other drugs? This can be an important step! + Some people are able to reduce their substance use or quit altogether on their own or with self-help materials. But most of us need support from other people—family members, friends, health professionals, or other people struggling with substance use problems. The right help for you depends on many factors. These include the type of drug you are using, how much and how often, your health and social situation and, of course, your own preferences. Getting help doesn't mean giving up control of shaping your own path. You are still the one who makes the final decisions about the type and degree of change you make. + One way to get help is to talk to a doctor you trust and feel comfortable confiding in. If you aren't comfortable talking in person, you can also get advice from a registered nurse (along with advice on programs or services in your area) by calling HealthLink BC at 8-1-1. Since some drugs are illegal, many people worry about what might happen if they talk about drug use. It's important to know that in most cases, doctors have to protect your privacy—it's the law. + In BC, the Alcohol and Drug Information Referral Service can help you find information on treatment options, support groups and other resources throughout the province. It's free, confidential, and available 24/7. Call the Alcohol and Drug Information Referral Service at 1-800-663-1441 or 604-660-9382 in the Lower Mainland." +How do I know if I'm drinking too much?,"Sorting out if you are drinking too much can be complicated. You are unique and your relationship with alcohol is unique. No one has the same combination of life experiences and influences that you do. So even though you and your friend may choose to drink, how and why you use alcohol may be different. + Those of us who drink, seek benefits from alcohol, not difficulties. But sometimes we start using more, and more often, than makes sense. As a general rule, drinking alcohol becomes a problem when it negatively affects our life or the lives of others. Many people imagine this refers to people who consume alcohol “all day every day.” But even drinking too much on a single occasion can lead to a problem, for instance making a poor decision such as driving while impaired. + What's also important to recognize is the potential for negative consequences related to drinking in various contexts (i.e., places, times and activities) and over time (e.g., coping with chronic problems). You can get personalized feedback related to your pattern of drinking as compared to Canada's Low-Risk Alcohol Drinking Guidelines via the Alcohol Reality Check screening app. This short, simple screen can be used by people of all ages. + All alcohol use involves some risk. The reasons people use alcohol can influence their risk of developing problems. For instance, if a person uses alcohol to enhance special celebrations, only occasional social use may follow. But when a person drinks to cope with a long-term problem such as social anxiety, then more long lasting and intense use may follow. + By reflecting on your pattern of drinking you can manage your risk for immediate injury or death, your chances for long-term health consequences such as cancer or heart disease, and your risk of developing habitual patterns of drinking that may lead to these harms. + Whenever you decide to drink alcohol, it is helpful to know what steps you can take to ensure that your drinking behaviour is the most rewarding and least harmful possible. The following are some useful guidelines to consider. + Not too much. Managing how much you drink on a given occasion helps decrease risky behaviours. + Tip: Drink slowly and alternate between non-alcoholic and alcoholic beverages. + Not too often. Drinking in moderation helps to reduce harms to ourselves and others over time. + Tip: Keep less alcohol at home and set limits on how much you are going to drink each week, avoiding drinking on some days. + Only in safe contexts. Making informed decisions about where you drink helps to minimize alcohol-related harm. + Tip: If going to a bar, stay with a group and choose an establishment that is well lit and near safe transportation options. + For information on treatment options and resources throughout BC, call the Alcohol and Drug Information Referral Service at 1-800-663-1441. In Greater Vancouver, call 604-660-9382. + To better understand how substances play a role in your life, visit the You and Substance Use workbook on the HeretoHelp website. + The Canadian Institute for Substance Use Research, formerly CARBC, is a member of the BC Partners for Mental Health and Addictions Information. The institute is dedicated to the study of substance use in support of community-wide efforts aimed at providing all people with access to healthier lives, whether using substances or not. For more, visit www.cisur.ca." +"If cannabis is dangerous, why are we legalizing it?","Cannabis smoke, for example, contains cancer-causing toxins. However, the risk of developing some cancers (e.g., mouth, tongue and lung) is less for cannabis smokers than tobacco smokers, partly because they tend to smoke less than tobacco users. And, while all drugs have an effect on the brain, the particular properties of the drug influence the level of risk of harmful consequences. The negative effects of cannabis on the brain, for example, seem to be less than the effects of some substances such as alcohol. + Legalizing cannabis provides an opportunity to put in place regulations to minimize potential harms. The danger of buying and using any illegal drug is that we can never know for sure what exactly is in it. Cannabis is legal in Canada as of October 17, 2018. Adults (over age 19 in BC) are now permitted to possess up to 30 grams of cannabis in public. Cannabis is regulated by the Province of British Columbia and will be sold through the Liquor Distribution Branch. Cannabis will be tested for quality. + When drugs are produced and obtained inside a regulated system, it is possible for us to know about the contents and dosage of what we are taking. This helps us manage the risks. However, it is likely that cannabis will still be available outside the government system. It is important to know that the quality of cannabis obtained from a dealer or a friend is unknown and may contain contaminants like mold, mildew, or fillers that may be toxic. + The legalization of cannabis also provides us with openings to engage in honest and thoughtful discussions about drug use with our families and communities. When dealing with complex issues, like cannabis policy, no one has all the answers. But as community members, we all have thoughts, feelings and experiences around drugs and drug use to share with each other. Engaging together to explore and share ideas will help us discover how to manage use, as individuals and communities, in ways that maximize benefit and minimize harm. + The Canadian Institute for Substance Use Research, formerly CARBC, is a member of the BC Partners for Mental Health and Addictions Information. The institute is dedicated to the study of substance use in support of community-wide efforts aimed at providing all people with access to healthier lives, whether using substances or not. For more, visit www.cisur.ca." +How can I convince my kids not to use drugs?,"You can't. But you can influence their capacity to make good choices in a world where alcohol and other drugs are available. It's about helping your child develop the skills to assess what might be helpful in achieving their goals in life. It's also about nourishing a supportive relationship, so they know where to go with questions or problems. + Opening up a discussion about drugs can help strengthen your relationship with your child. Inviting and allowing open, honest conversation about drugs (or any other subject) makes your child know that what they are thinking, feeling and experiencing matters to you. The goal is to get your child talking and sharing their thoughts and feelings. + When young people are asked thoughtful, open-ended questions exploring what they think, it helps them become interested in their own thoughts and behaviour. This process of self-reflection is part of developing critical thinking skills, a part of good decision-making. Critical thinking skills are actually an essential part of reducing the risks related to using drugs. Once young people have considered something carefully, they are a lot less likely to act out of impulse or in response to influence. + There is no rule about how or where a conversation about alcohol or other drugs should start. Even young children know drugs are a part of our culture. They see people drinking around them and are exposed to drugs on TV and in advertising. This makes it a subject that can be brought up naturally while getting ready for a family celebration where alcohol will be present, or if you are planning to visit a relative who uses tobacco, or while swapping stories at the dinner table about what happened at work and school that day. + Talking with teens and young adults about drugs as they make choices on the path into adulthood helps them to develop personal standards, minimize risks and critically assess popular beliefs about drug use. This can be particularly important as they transition to the legal age for using alcohol or cannabis and move out of the family home. While young adults have more independence and more legal rights, parents can continue to be an important sounding board on which to try out their thoughts and ideas. + The Canadian Institute for Substance Use Research, formerly CARBC, is a member of the BC Partners for Mental Health and Addictions Information. The institute is dedicated to the study of substance use in support of community-wide efforts aimed at providing all people with access to healthier lives, whether using substances or not. For more, visit www.cisur.ca." +What is the legal status (and evidence) of CBD oil?,"Cannabidiol or CBD is a naturally occurring component of cannabis. It is extracted from the cannabis plant and often made into an oil for use. CBD is not psychoactive, and does not produce the ‘high' of THC (tetrahyrocannabinol), the primary psychoactive component of cannabis. CBD is legal in Canada and has been used in the treatment of various medical conditions. + All cannabinoids, including CBD, produce effects in the body by attaching to certain receptors in the brain or immune system. The human body also produces its own cannabinoids. It seems that CBD does not attach directly to receptors. Instead, it directs the body to use more of its own cannabinoids to produce the therapeutic effects associated with CBD. + Research suggests that CBD may provide relief for chronic pain. Sativex is a proprietary medication that combines THC and CBD and may be prescribed for the relief of pain associated with multiple sclerosis. There is also some evidence suggesting that CBD may be a promising support for people with opioid use disorders. The researchers noted that CBD reduced some symptoms associated with substance use disorders including anxiety, mood-related symptoms, pain, and insomnia. + After researching the safety and effectiveness of CBD oil for treating epilepsy, in 2018, the United States FDA approved CBD (Epidiolex) as a therapy for two rare conditions characterized by epileptic seizures. Other evidence suggests that CBD may be useful in the treatment of schizophrenia, though further research is needed before introducing CBD into medical practice. + There is some initial evidence that CBD may help people in the early stages of Alzheimer's disease keep the ability to recognize the faces of people that they know, and thus slow progression of the illness. Again, more research is needed in this area. + Because of the way cannabis and its products are metabolized, scientists believe there is a potential for interaction with other drugs, although nothing significant has yet been recorded. CBD has been found to be generally safe. Reports from patients indicate that negative drug interactions are not common. As with any other treatment, it is important to monitor your use of CBD and seek assistance if you experience any problems or have questions or concerns about its use. + The Canadian Institute for Substance Use Research, formerly CARBC, is a member of the BC Partners for Mental Health and Addictions Information. The institute is dedicated to the study of substance use in support of community-wide efforts aimed at providing all people with access to healthier lives, whether using substances or not. For more, visit www.cisur.ca." +What is the evidence on vaping?,"""Vaping"" is the term for using a device where liquids, often flavoured, are turned into vapour (hence, vaping) and inhaled. A vaping device consists of a mouthpiece, tank or reservoir to hold the liquid, a heating element and a battery to power the element. The liquid is heated to become a mist, inhaled through the mouth into the lungs where the nicotine or cannabis enters the bloodstream. Any residual vapour is exhaled. Vaping devices come in several types, shapes, and sizes, referred to as e-cigarettes, vape pens, vapes, mods, tanks, or e-hookahs. Vaping liquid (e-liquid, e-juice) consists of a solvent, usually propylene glycol or glycerol, flavour, and nicotine or cannabis, though it may not contain anything. In British Columbia you must be 19 years old to buy vaping products. + The number of young people who smoke cigarettes has declined over the past few years, while vaping has increased. E-cigarettes were developed as an alternative to smoking. The first devices were available in 2003 and looked much like a traditional cigarette. Nicotine vapour contains significantly fewer toxins and other particles than smoke from cigarettes. Vaping is a less harmful alternative to cigarettes and evidence suggests, it may help some people quit smoking. Evidence suggests vaping is likely not a gateway to smoking tobacco. + Though less harmful than smoking cigarettes, vaping still carries potential harms. There is a small exposure to nicotine and possible carcinogens in the vapour. (A carcinogen is a substance that has the potential to cause cancer). Some evidence suggests that young people may be unaware the vaping liquid often contains nicotine. E-cigarettes are not controlled and the nicotine content of vaping liquids varies significantly among brands. Other chemicals, flavourings, and heavy metals present in vaping liquids, have not as yet been well studied. Long-term health risks from vaping are thus undetermined. More research is needed in these areas. + Marketing strategies for vaping products, often on social media, are designed to appeal to young people. The range of flavours available, especially those that are fruity and sweet, and the look and feel of vaping devices attract youth. Young people can see vaping as fun and a way to socialize with friends and 'smoke' in a less harmful way. + Making the time and space for discussion and exploring the issues around vaping is one important way we can support young people and indeed, each other, in making good decisions about if, when, or how much to vape. We offer, ""not too much, not too often, and in a safe context"" as one way to think about using any substance. What this means to you may be a place for talking to start! + The Canadian Institute for Substance Use Research, formerly CARBC, is a member of the BC Partners for Mental Health and Addictions Information. The institute is dedicated to the study of substance use in support of community-wide efforts aimed at providing all people with access to healthier lives, whether using substances or not. For more, visit www.cisur.ca."