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-Write a joke for this category,Blonde Jokes,"Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, ""Ready . . . Aim . . .""Suddenly the brunette yells, ""earthquake!!"" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, ""Ready . . . Aim . . .""The redhead then screams, ""tornado!!"" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . .""The blonde shouts, ""fire!!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Blonde Jokes,"A girl came skipping home FROM school one day. ""Mommy, Mommy,"" she yelled, ""we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"" ""Very good,"" said her mother. ""Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"" ""Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."" The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. ""Mommy, Mommy,"" She yelled, ""we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,b, c, d, e, f, g!"" ""Very good,"" said her mother. ""Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"" ""Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."" The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. ""Mommy, Mommy,"" she yelled, ""we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. ""Very good,"" said her embarrassed mother. ""Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"" ""No, Honey, it's because you're 25."""
-Write a joke for this category,Blonde Jokes,"A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action.  The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, ""Now, do you remember what the plan is?"" The blonde sighed and replied, ""Yeah, yeah, I remember..."" The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff.  Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, ""Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!"" The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited. After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving. The security guard yelled, ""Stop! Stop!"" while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind. The brunette frantically asked the blonde, ""What the hell happened in there?!?"" The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, ""What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!""  The brunette paused and yelled, ""YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Blonde Jokes,"A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, ""I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.""""Oh Dear!"" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. ""But, what happened to yourother ear?""""The jerk called back!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Blonde Jokes,"A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY.The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains"" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa."" Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, ""Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer that you'll ask me, I will pay you $500!."" Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. ""What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: ""What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. Afterover an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, ""Well, so what IS the answer!?"" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep."
-Write a joke for this category,Blonde Jokes,"A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. ""I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."" When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. ""Why, that's amazing!"" the doctor said, ""Did you follow my instructions?"" The blonde nodded, ""I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."" ""From hunger, you mean?"", asked the doctor."" ""No, from all that skipping."""
-Write a joke for this category,Blonde Jokes,"This blonde goes to the Western Union office and says, ""I just have to get an urgent message to my mother in Europe."" The clerk says it will be $100, and she replies ""But I don't have any money.... and I must get a message to her, it's urgent!... I'll do anything to get a message to her."" The clerk replies ""Anything?"". ""Yes.... ANYTHING!"" replies the blonde. He leads her back to his office and closes the door. He tells her to kneel in front of him. ""Unzip me..."" She does. ""Take it out..... go ahead."" She does this as well. She looks up at him, his member in her hands and he says ""Well... go ahead... do it..."" She brings her lips close to it and shouts ""Hello?... Mom?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Blonde Jokes,"There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles, so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note: I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bagbehind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow by 7 AM.Signed - ""The Blonde""She pinned the note inside the boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 ina brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Alsoinside the bag was the following note: ""Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would dothis to another."""
-Write a joke for this category,Blonde Jokes,"There is a blonde, a redhead and a brunette on the stairway to heaven. God says, ""There are 3,000 steps and i'll tell you a joke on each 1,000th step you reach. If you laugh you go to hell."" So they start walking and reach to the first 1,000th step. God tells a joke, the brunette laughs and goes to hell. Then on the 2,000th step God tells a joke, the redhead laughs and goes to hell. On the 3,000th step God tells a joke, the blonde doesn't laugh and proceeds to the gate.  Suddenly, she bursts out laughing. God asks, ""what are you laughing about?"", so she replies, ""i just got the first joke!""."
-Write a joke for this category,Blonde Jokes,"A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.After becoming very frustrated with the ""no haggle"" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, ""Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!""The shopkeeper said, ""By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, ""Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Blonde Jokes,"A girl came skipping home from school one day. ""Mommy, Mommy,"" she yelled, ""we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5,6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"" ""Very good,"" said her mother.  ""Is it because I'm blonde?"" the girl said.  ""Yes, it's because you're blonde,"" said the mommy. The next day the girl came skipping home from school. ""Mommy, Mommy,"" she yelled, ""we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"" ""Very good,"" said her mother.  ""Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?""  ""Yes, it's because you're blonde."" The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy,""she yelled, ""we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all theother girls had flat chests, but I have these!"" And she lifted her tanktop to reveal a pair of 36Cs.  ""Very good,"" said her embarrassed mother. ""Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"" ""No Honey, it's because you're 24."""
-Write a joke for this category,Blonde Jokes,"A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, ""I`ve kidnapped you."" She then wrote a note saying, ""I`ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Blonde.""  The Blonde then taped the note to the kid`s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.  The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.  The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, ""How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Blonde Jokes,"A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.  After becoming very frustrated with the ""no haggle"" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, ""Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!""  The shopkeeper said, ""By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!""  Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.  Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank.  Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouted out, ""Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Blonde Jokes,"A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are walking along their island beach when one sees a bottle lying on the ground.It turns out there's a genie in it so they each get one wish.The brunette says: ""I miss my family, I wish i was home again.""With a puff of smoke she disappeared. The redhead wished for the same thing.There the blonde stood, all alone on the beach. She started to cry and said ""I wish my friends would come back"""
-Write a joke for this category,Blonde Jokes,"Three blondes were all vying for the last available position on the local police force. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, ""So you all want to be a cop, eh?""The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a file folder. Sitting back down, he opened it up and withdrew a photograph, and said, ""To be a detect, you have to be able to DETECT. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars, etc."" So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about 2 seconds. ""Now, he said, ""Did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?""The blonde immediately said, ""Yes, I did. He only has one eye!""The detective shook his head and said, ""Of COURSE he only has one eye in this picture! It's a PROFILE of his face! You're dismissed!""The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, ""What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?""The blonde immediately shot back, ""Yep! He only has one ear!""The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed, ""Didn't you hear what I just said to the other lady? This is a PROFILE of the man's face! Of COURSE you can only see one ear!! You're excused, too! You'd never make a good detective!""The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.The detective turn his attention to the last blonde and said, ""This is probably a waste of time, but...."". He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, ""Alright. Did YOU notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?""The blonde said, ""Yes, I did. This man wears contact lenses.""The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, ""You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could tell that by looking at this picture?""The blonde rolled her eyes and said, ""DUH! He has only one eye and one ear, he certainly CAN'T WEAR GLASSES!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Blonde Jokes,"A brunette woman goes into the dr.'s office. She tells the Dr. : ""It hurts all over my body."" He says: ""point to where it hurts"". She points to her shoulder and yells ""OUCH!"". She then points to her hip and yells ""OUCH!"". Finally she points to her knee and screams in pain ""OUCH!!!"". The Dr. asks  her ""Are you a true blonde and dyed your hair brown?"" She says: ""yes, how did you know""? He answers: ""YOU HAVE A BROKEN FINGER!!!""."
-Write a joke for this category,Blonde Jokes,"A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro asked her to take a swing at a ball to see how she'd do. The blonde did so and completely duffed the shot. The pro said ""Your swing is good but you're gripping the club too hard. Grip the club gently as you would your husband's privates."". The blonde took another shot and nailed the ball 275 yards straight down the fairway. The pro said ""That was excellent!! Let's try it again, only this time take the club out of your mouth."""
-Write a joke for this category,Blonde Jokes,There were two blondes going hunting. It was getting late so one of theblondes said to the other that she heard if you ever get lost in the woods to shoot three shots into the air. So she did. A few hours wentby and so she fired three more shots in the air. A few more hours wentby and they fired three more shots in the air. Then one of the blondessaid someone better hurry up and save us...we only have two more arrowsleft.
-Write a joke for this category,Blonde Jokes,"Blonde Cook Book: MONDAY:It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake.The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighborswere nice enough to loan me some extra bowls. TUESDAY:Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe saidserve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What asurprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper. WEDNESDAY:A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughlybefore steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly butI took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any. THURSDAY:Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe.It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed oflettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led upto Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden. FRIDAY:I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put allingredients in bowl and beat it. There must havebeen something wrong with this recipe. When I got back,everything was the same as when I left. SATURDAY:Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken.He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For somereason Bob keeps counting to ten. SUNDAY:Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast.All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flashof genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set thecontrols for roast. It still came out hamburger, muchto my disappointment. GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY.This has been a very exciting week. I am eager fortomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob.If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like tosurprise him with Chocolate Moose."
-Write a joke for this category,Blonde Jokes,1. The water proof towel2. Solar powered flash light3. Sumberrine screen door4. A book on how to read5. Inflatable dart board6. A dictionary index7. Ejector seat in a helicopter8. Powdered water9. Pedel powered wheel chair10. Water proof tea bags
-Write a joke for this category,Blonde Jokes,"A Blonde and a Burnette are watching the news at 6. It is live on the scene. It has been reported that a old homeless man is on top of a large bridge and swears that he will jump off the bridge. The Burnette turns around and says to the Blonde"" I bet you $50 that he will jump. Th blonde says"" You're on. Sure enough the old man jumps and falls to his death. The Burnette snickers to herself and says""I must admit I did watch the news at 5. The blonde says So did I but, I did'nt think he would jump twice!!"
-Write a joke for this category,Blonde Jokes,"A blonde, a brunette, and a red-head all go hunting together. Then they decide to all go their separate ways. When they all come back, the brunette had shot a rabbit. The other 2 ask ""How'd you do that?""She says: ""Well, I followed some tracks,and BOOM, I got a rabbit."" The red-head had came back with a deer. The blond & brunette ask ""How'd you do that?"" She says:""Well, I follwed some tracks and BOOM, I got a deer."" The blonde comes back all beat up and bloody, without any game. They ask ""HOW'D YOU DO THAT?!?"" And she says: ""Well I followed some tracks, and BOOM, I got hit by a train""THE END"
-Write a joke for this category,Blonde Jokes,"A blonde wearing headphones walks into a store and on the window it said 'No Headphones' so the clerk says, ""I'm afraid I'll have to make you take off those headphones.""The blonde paid no attention to the clerk, so he said louder ""If you don't take off those headphones I will!"".The blonde still paid no attention, so the clerk yanked the headphones off of her.Then she fainted all of a sudden.The clerk put on the headphones to see what she was listening to.All he heard was ""Breathe! Breathe! Breathe!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Blonde Jokes,What do u call a blonde with 1brain cell?     GIFTED!What do u call a blonde with 2brain cells?     PREGNANT!What do u call a blonde with 3brain cells?     A GOLDEN RETRIEVER!
-Write a joke for this category,Blonde Jokes,"There's this blonde who goes into an electronics shop, and asks the bloke in there if she can buy this TV. But the bloke says Sorry, we dont serve blondes.      So she goes away, dyes her hair brown, and goes back. Sorry, we dont serve blondes, the bloke says.So she goes back and dyes her hair ginger, but he still tells her they dont serve blondes.Sooooo, she goes back yet again, but dyes her hair black. Again, she asks if she can buy the TV, but yet again, she cant get served.Look, she says, how can you tell i'm a blonde, even tho i've dyed my hair???Soory lady, thats a microwave!!!!"
-Write a joke for this category,Blonde Jokes,"A blonde dyed her hair to red one day, then she takes a walk down the road and comes upon a farm. She walks up to the fenced yard where the farmer is counting his sheeps. The farmer  said hello and that if she guessed how many he had, then she can keep one. The blonde thought it was a great idea, so she starts counting in her head. She finally guessed 26, which was RIGHT!!! The farmer was amazed, but he kept his word. She climbed over the fence and back with the animal in her arms. The farmer takes one look at her and the animal and says, "" If I guess what natural hair color you have, can i have my dog back?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Blonde Jokes,"A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded in the desert because their car broke down. The redhead grabs some water, the brunette grabs some food, and the blonde grabs the car door. They began walking, when the redhead turns to the brunette and says,"" Why did you bring the food?"" She replies, "" Well in case i get hungry, i can eat it. Why did you bring water?"" The redhead replies, "" Well in case i get thirsty, i can drink it."" Then they both turn to the blonde and say, "" Why did you bring the car door?"" She replies, "" Well in case i get hot, i can roll down the window."""
-Write a joke for this category,Blonde Jokes,"A blind man enters a Lesbian bar by mistake. He  finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there  for a while the blind guyyells to the bartender: ""Hey, wanna hear a  blonde joke?' A deathlysilencetranscends the bar. In a deep, husky,  menacing voice, the woman next tohimsays: ""Before you tell that  joke, you should know something. Thebartenderis blonde, the bouncer  is blonde, and I'm a 6' tall, 200lb blonde with ablack belt in Karate.  What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blondeand she's a weight  lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde and she's apro wrestler.  Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tellthatjoke?""The blind man pauses to think, and says, ""Nah, not if  I'm gonna have toexplain it five times."""
-Write a joke for this category,Blonde Jokes,"A blonde was sick and tired of hearing jokes about being dumb. She decided to dye her hair  black and set out to prove to the world just how wrong they were about blondes.   She drove out of the city and into the country where there were many sheep farms. She spotted  a sheep farmer, stopped her car and said, ""If I can tell you exactly how many sheep are in  your field, will you give me a sheep?"" He said ""Sure!"" She counted and said ""131."" The farmer  said, ""That's Right! Go ahead and get a sheep."" The blonde went and got her sheep.   Then, the farmer said, ""If I tell you what color your hair really is, can I have it back?"" and  she said, ""Yes.""   ""Blonde. Now give me back my dog.""."
-Write a joke for this category,Blonde Jokes,"A woman hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house. The woman walked the man through the second floor of her home and told him what colors she wanted for each room. As they walked through the first room, the woman said, ""I think I would like this room in a cream color."" The contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked to the window, opened it and yelled out, ""Green side up!"" He then closed the window and continued following the woman to the next room. The woman looked confused, but proceeded with her tour. ""In this room, I was thinking of an off blue."" Again, the contractor wrote this down, went to the window, opened it and yelled out, ""Green side up!"" This baffled the woman, but she was hesitant to say anything. In the next room, the woman said she would like it painted in a light rose color. And once more, the contractor opened the window and yelled, ""Green side up!"" Struck with curiosity, the woman mustered up the nerve to ask, ""Why do you keep yelling 'Green side up' out my window every time I tell you the color I would like the room?"" The contractor replied, ""Because I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street."""
-Write a joke for this category,Blonde Jokes,"A blonde and a brunette were walking down the basement stairs in the dark to find a wrench when the blonde screamed. ""Something brushed against my rightr leg!!"" ""Oh My Gosh. Are you sure?"" ""Yea and it keeps doing it."" she said as she ran around the basement. Then she stopped and thought for a second. ""Hold up. That was just my left leg."
-Write a joke for this category,Blonde Jokes,"The Secret Service was looking for more employees. They put up a sign and the next day they picked the next three people. They brought the first guy into a room and gave him a pistol and said"" Your wife is in that room go in and shoot her"" The guy looked at them and said"" No I can't do it"" So the Secret Service brought out the next guy and told him the same thing and handed him the gun. ""He went into the room and came back out but he didn't want to shoot her. So the Secret Service who was really desperate brought the last person in. She was a blonde so they were worried. They said"" Your husbandis in that room and I want you to shoot him."" ""Alright"" she announced. She went into the room and the Secret Service heard alot of crashing and banging. They went in and found the man dead. ""What the hell is going on"" ""Oh The gun was a blank so I beat him to death with a chair."""
-Write a joke for this category,Blonde Jokes,"There was a blond a brunette, and a red-head and they were walking down the street. A short man came up to them and said: in that castle there is a magic mirror, if u look into the mirror and tell the truth you will be granted any wish you please, but if you lie you will be banished into the mirror forever The girls went to the castle and the red-head went in first shhe said: I think I am the prettiest out of the blond and the brunette, she got a pot of silver. Next the brunette went in she said: I think I am the smartest out of the red-head and the blond, she got a new car. The blond went in to try her luck she walked up to the mirror and said: I think...    She was vanished into the mirror forever."
-Write a joke for this category,Deep Thoughts,"If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits in your room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your phone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it."
-Write a joke for this category,Deep Thoughts,"I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits andexhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing ""fairly well"" for my age. Alittle concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, ""Doyou think I'll live to be 80?""He asked, ""Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?""""Oh no,"" I replied. ""I've never done either.""Then he asked, ""Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?""I said ""No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!""""Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,ballooning, or rock climbing ?""""No, I don't,"" I said.He said, ""Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?""""No,"" I said. ""I've never done any of those things.""He looked at me and said, ""Then why do you give a damn if you live to be80?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Deep Thoughts,"A little kid asks his father, ""Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"" ""Both son. God is both."" After a while the kid comes again and asks, ""Daddy, is God black or white?"" ""Both son, both."" The child returns a few minutes later and says, ""Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Aviation,"A young man joins the Air Force. He writes his father, saying that he is really frightened about the upcoming parachute exercises. A few months later he gets leave and goes home. His father asks, ""So, how did the parachute jump go, son?"" Son replies, ""Well, Dad, it came time for me to jump and I froze at the door. My drill sergeant comes up behind me. He is a really big tough guy. He said to me that I had to either jump out of the plane or he was going to ""do me"" with his 12-incher!""Father says, ""Well, Son, did you jump?"" ""Just a little at first"" said the son."
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex. ""What's that?"" he asked. She explained to him what sex was and he said, ""Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree. ""Horrified, she said, ""Tarzan, you have it all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly."" She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground, and spread her legs. ""Here,"" she said, pointing, ""You must put it in here."" Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer, and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane screamed and rolled around in agony for several minutes. Eventually, she managed to gasp, ""What the hell did you do that for?"" ""Tarzan always check for bees."""
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.""Twenty bucks,"" she says.He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell it's only twenty bucks. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.""What's going on here, people?"" asks the officer.""I'm making love to my wife,"" the man answers indignantly.""Oh, I'm sorry,"" says the cop, ""I didn't know.""""Well,"" said the man, ""neither did I until you shined that light in her face."""
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"A wife asks her husband, ""Honey, if I died, would you remarry?""""After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would.. We all need companionship.""""If I died and you remarried,"" the wife asks, ""would she live in this house?""""We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would.""""If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house,"" the wife asks, ""would she sleep in our bed?""""Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess she would.""""If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?""""Oh, no,"" the husband replies. ""She's left-handed."""
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"A man comes home from work, sits in his lazyboy in front of the TV and rudely tells his wife, 'Gimme a beer before it starts.' She gives him his beer. About 15 minutes later, he says again, 'Gimme a beer before it starts.' She does. A few minutes later, he asks again for a beer. The wife says, 'Don't you think you're drinking too much beer? It hasn't been half an hour that you got here and you've already had two beers. I'm getting fed up with this.' The husband looks up and mumbles, 'Now it starts.'"
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"An 85 year old man marries a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her new husband is so old, the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate suites. She is concerned that the old fellow could overexert himself. After the festivities, she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting. Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action. They unite in conjugal union and all goes well, whereup on he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night. After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there the old guy is again, ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling, which is again successful, after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is certainly ready for slumber at this point and is close to sleep for the second time, when there is another knock at the door and there he is again fresh as a 20 year old and ready for more. Once again, they do the horizontal boogie. As they're laying in afterglow the young bride says to him, 'I am really impressed that a guy your age has enough juice to go for it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one.' The old guy looks puzzled and turns to her and says, 'Was I already here?'"
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. ""Grandpa, what are you doing?"" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering. ""Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?"" he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said,""Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."""
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"Nice Hotel  A husband and wife are traveling by car from Atlanta to New York. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they decide to stop at a nice hotel and take a room. They only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk explains that $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager. The manager enters the conversation and explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains that they could have taken in one of the shows which the hotel is famous for. ""The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,"" explains the manager. No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, ""But we didn't use it!"" The manager is unmoved. Eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and hands it to the manager. ""But sir,"" the managers says, ""this check is only made out for $100."" ""That's right,"" replies the man. ""I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."" ""What! I didn't sleep with your wife!"" exclaims the manager. ""Well,"" the man replies, ""she was here, and you could have."""
-Write a joke for this category,Medical,"After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to perform in bed anymore.  He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.   Finally the doctor says to him ""this is all in your mind"", and refers him to a psychiatrist.  After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, ""I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."" Finally the psychiatrist refers him to witch doctor. The witch doctor tells , ""I can cure this"", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke........   The witch doctor says, ""This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year!  All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!""   The guy then asks the witch doctor ""What happens when it's over?""   The witch doctor says ""all you have to say is '1234' and it will go down.  But be warned it will not work again for a year!"" The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news.......  So, he is lying in bed with her and says ""123"", and suddenly he gets a massive erection. His wife turns over and says ""What did you say '123' for?"
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a  bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins  to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: ""Hello.""  WOMAN: ""Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?""  MAN: ""Yes""  WOMAN: ""I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?""  MAN: ""Sure, ...go ahead if you like it.""  WOMAN: ""I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2004 models. I saw one I really liked.""  MAN: ""How much?""  WOMAN: ""$60,000""  MAN: ""OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.""  WOMAN: ""Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000.""  MAN: ""Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000.""  WOMAN: ""OK. I'll see you later! I love you!  MAN: ""Bye, I love you, too.""  The man hangs up .The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.  Then he asks: ""Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.  His eyes fluttered open and he said, ""You're beautiful!"" and then he fell asleep again.  His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said ""You're cute!""  Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of ""beautiful"" it was ""cute.""  She said ""What happened to 'beautiful'?"" His reply was ""The drugs are wearing off!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, ""What is this, Father?"" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded ""Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.""While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, ""Go get your mother."""
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, ""Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but I want a divorce.""The husband says nothing but slowly increases the speed to 60 mph.She then says, ""I don't want you to try to talk me out of it because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you.""Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.She says, ""I want the house."" Again the husband speeds up and he is now doing 70 mph.She says, ""I want the kids too."" The husband just keeps driving faster and faster until he reaches 80 mph.She says, ""I want the car, the checking account and all the credit cards too."" The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass pillar, as she says, ""Is there anything you want?""The husband says, ""No, I've got everything I need.""She asks, ""What's that?""The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, ""I've got the airbag!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, ""Did you see anything under the table that you liked?""Jeff admitted, ""Well, yes I did.""She said ""you can have it, but it will cost you $100.""After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday. Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left. Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, ""Did Jeff come by this afternoon?""Totally shocked, Sandy replied, ""Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes.""Next Dave asked, ""Did Jeff give you $100?""Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' Reluctantly she said, ""Yes, he did give me $100.""""Good,"" Dave says.""Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust."""
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"A guy gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and says, ""Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"".The wife says, ""Wow! That's great! I'm so happy! Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?""He says, ""I don't care. Just get the hell out!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, ""I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter.""With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.God got mad and said, ""You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only, one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?""And the man replied, ""I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."""
-Write a joke for this category,Medical,"A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before!All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, ""Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.""""My darling,"" he replied, ""think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."""
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"A man takes his wife to the live stock show. They start heading down the   alley that houses all the bulls. The sign on the first bull's stall   states: ""This bull mated 50 times last year.""    The wife turns to her husband and says, ""He mated 50 times in a year,  isn't that nice!""    They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: ""This bull mated 65  times last year.""    The wife turns to her husband and says, ""This one mated 65 times last  year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!""    They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: ""This bull mated 365   times last year.""    The wife's mouth drops open and says, ""WOW! He mated 365 times last  year.  That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one.""    The fed up man turns to his wife and says, ""Go up and inquire if it was   the same old cow every day."""
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorilla species available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn't very bright. So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Mike was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for five hundred bucks? Mike showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. ""First,"" he said, ""I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."" The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition. ""Well,"" said Mike, ""you've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."""
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"man's business trip is cancelled and he is at home with a rather nervous wife. They go to bed, but about midnight, the phone rings.The man rolls over and answered...""Hello?""""What?""""How the hell should I know, I live in Phoenix.""He hangs up and his wife asks, ""Who was it dear?""""Just some idiot who wanted to know if the coast was clear!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"A couple has been married for many years, and one day the man tells his wife that he wishes she had bigger breasts.""but how am I going to get bigger breasts?"" she asks.""That's simple"", he says, ""just rub your breasts with toilet paper every day"".""And that would do it?"", the surprised wife wonders.""Well,"", answers the husband, ""it sure did work on your behind!""."
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"Two guys were talking at work. ""I've got a problem,"" said the first one. ""What is it?""""My wife has done it to me again. I'm supposed to buy my mother-in-law a present for her birthday, from the two of us. And I am fresh out of ideas. I mean it's HER mother, why can't she buy it?""""What did you buy her last year?"" the other one asked.""Last year I bought her a VERY EXPENSIVE cemetery plot."" ""Hmmmm, hard to top that one,"" said the other.The two guys couldn't come up with anything. So the son-in-law didn't buy his mother-in-law anything for her birthday. When the big day arrived the next weekend, she was a bit upset. At the family gathering for her birthday, she announced out loud to everyone, ""Thank you all for the wonderful gifts. Too bad my daughter and son-in-law weren't so thoughtful!""Thinking quickly, the son-in-law responded, ""Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went. The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the final couple was newlywed. Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint. ''Can of PAINT!'' exclaimed the minister. ''Yeah,'' said the newlywed man. ''She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over.'' The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.''That's okay,'' said the man. ''We're not welcome in Home Depot either.''"
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As Emma undressed for bed, the husband (who was a burly bruiser) tossed his pants to his bride and said, ""Here, put these on."" She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. ""I can't wear your pants"", she said. ""That's right!"", said the husband, ""and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!""With that, she flipped him her panties and said, ""Try these on."" He tried them on, and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap. He said, ""Hell, I can't get into your panties!"" She said, ""That's right and that's the way it's going to be until your stupid attitude changes!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Medical,"A man is having terrible headaches. He can't sleep, eat, think, or do much of anything because of the pain. Several doctors examined him and couldn't determine the cause of his problem. He finally went to one of the top neurological specialists in the country who examines him and says, ""I've found the cause of the pain. Your testicles are pushing up into your spine. The constant pressureon the spine causes the headaches. The only thing I can do is perform surgery and remove your testicles."" The man is shocked to hear this but the decision is not difficult as he know he cannot stand the pain of the headaches. He has the surgery and immediately fells like a new man. The pain is completely gone and he feels like he has a new life. He is so happy he decides to buy himself a new suit. He goes to a small men's shop and tells the old tailor that he wants to buy a suit. ""Sure,"" says the tailor. ""You're a 42 long, right?"" ""Wow, how did you know?"" says the man. ""Hey, I've been in this business a long time. You learn a few things"" said the tailor."" The tailor brought the man a suit that fit perfectly. It looked so good that the man decided to buy a new shirt to go with it. ""16, 34, right?"" said the tailor.  ""Right again!"" said the man. ""You're amazing."" ""Hey, I've been in this business a long time. You learn a few things"". The tailor brought a shirt and tie and they looked great. The man said, ""Hey, let's go for broke. Give me a pair of the silk boxers too.""  The tailor said, ""36 right?"" ""I'm disappointed,"" said the man. ""But 2 out of 3 is still good. I wear size 34 boxers."" The tailor said, ""Hey, I've been in this business for a long time and I think you need 36."" The man replied, ""It's obvious you know your business but I've worn size 34 for as long as I can remember. I'm going to have to disagree with you on this one"". ""Hey look,"" said the tailor, ""I'll sell you whatever you want. But I've been in this business a long time. If you wear a size 34 it's gonna push your nuts up into your spine and give you terrible headaches."""
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"A married woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.""Quick,"" said the woman to her lover, ""into the closet!"" She pushed him into the closet stark naked.The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. ""Who are you?"" he asked him.""I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,"" said the exterminator.""What are you doing in there?"" the husband asked.""I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,"" the man replied.""And where are your clothes?"" asked the husband.The man looked down at himself and said, ......""Well those Little bastards!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"Top 10 Things Not To Say To A Naked Man... ------------------------------------ 1 This explains your car. 2 I never saw one like that before.  3 But it still works, right?  4 Are you cold? 5 I guess this makes me the early bird.  6 Ahhhh, it's cute. 7 Can I be honest with you?  8 Maybe it looks better in natural light. 9 Will it squeak if I squeeze it?  10 Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?"
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they ""oohed and aahed"" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.""It's free,"" Peter replied, ""this is Heaven.""Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, ""what are the green fees?""Peter's reply, ""This is heaven, you play for free.""Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out.""How much to eat?"" asked the old man. ""Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!"" Peter replied with some exasperation.""Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?"" the old man asked timidly.Peter lectured, ""That's the best part . . . you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.""With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.The old man looked at his wife and said, ""This is all your fault. If it weren't for your bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Medical,"Doc, you've gotta help me... my wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?""""Look, I can't prescribe...""""Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I am desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterlyto Hell! You've got to help me.""The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. ""Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental, the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? JUST one.""""I don't know, doc; she's awfully cold..."" ""One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?""""Um... okay.""Our hero expresses gratitude, and departs for home, where his wife hasdinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. Our hero, in fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then an inspiration strikes: he drops one pill into his own coffee.His wife returns with the shortcake, and they enjoy their dessert and coffee, our hero with poorly concealed anticipation. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange smoky look enters her eyes. In a deep, throaty, near-whisper, in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, ""I... need...a man...""His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, ""Me... too.."""
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"A young single guy is on a cruise ship, having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote island. Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing. She's also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship. He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful and says, ""My God, you saved my life!"" He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford!Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island together. They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and they're in heaven. Cindy's fallen madly in love with our man, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night. Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum. ""What's the matter, sweetheart?"" she asks, ""We have a wonderful life together, I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?""He says, ""Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt?"" ""Sure,"" she says, ""if it will help."" He takes off his shirt and she puts it on.""Now would you put on my pants?"" he asks.""Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better,"" she says.""Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?"" he asks.""Whatever you want, sweetie,"" she says, and does.Then he says, ""Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?"" She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, ""Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"One man explaining to another why he fired his secretary:  ""Two weeks ago,"" I said, ""was my forty-fifth birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went into the kitchen for breakfast knowing that my wife would be pleasant and say 'Happy Birthday' and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say 'Good Morning' let alone say 'Happy Birthday'.  ""I said to myself Well that's wives for you. The children will remember.' But the children came into breakfast and didn't say a word. And when I started to the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent.  As I walked into my office, Janet said 'Good Morning, Boss-Happy Birthday' and I felt a little bit better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon. About noon, Janet knocked on my door and said, You know it's such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, so let's go to lunch, just you and I.' I said, 'By George, that is the greatest thing I have heard all day. Let's go.'  ""We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go, we went out into the country to a private place. We had two Martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.  ""On the way back to the office, she said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day we don't need to go back to the office, do we?' I said, 'No, I guess not.'  ""She said, 'Let's go by my apartment, and I'll fix you another Martini.'  ""We went to her apartment. We enjoyed another Martini and smoked a cigarette and she said, 'Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable' and I allowed her as I didn't mind at all.  ""She went into the bedroom and in about six minutes she came out of the bedroom carrying a big birthday cake followed by my wife and children. All were singing 'Happy Birthday' and there I sat with nothing on but my socks."""
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out on a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: ""Pierre, kiss me!"" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. ""What are you doing, Pierre?"", says the startled Marie. ""I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!"" She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, ""Pierre, kiss me lower."" Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. ""Pierre! What are you doing?"", asks the bewildered Marie. ""I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!"" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, ""Pierre, kiss me lower!"" Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, ""PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"" Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, ""I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home, he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. ""Olympic condoms?"", she blurts, ""What makes them so special?"" ""There are three colors,"" he replies, ""Gold, Silver and Bronze."" ""What color are you going to wear tonight?"", she asks cheekily. ""Gold of course,"" says the man proudly. The wife responds, ""Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"Pinocchio had just finished having sex with his girlfriend, and he asked her, ""So ... how was I?"" She said, ""Well, Pinocchio ... I hate to say this, but when we have sex, you give me splinters!"" Pinocchio was devastated. He went running to Gepetto, crying, ""My girlfriend says that when we have sex, I give her splinters! Is there anything you can do?""Gepetto says, ""What you need, my boy, is a piece of sandpaper. Use this once a day, and that'll solve the problem.""About a month later, Gepetto ran into Pinocchio on the street. ""How was that sandpaper I gave you?"" He asked. ""Are you still having problems with the girls?""""Girls?"" Pinocchio asked. ""Who needs girls?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"A man enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table, notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table, alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne to be sent over to her knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note to the man. The note read: ""For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, $1 million in liquid assets, and 7 inches in your pants.""Well, the man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and it read: ""Just so you know -- I happen to have TWO Mercedes in my garage, I have well over $2 million in assets, but not even for YOU, would I cut off 2 inches! Send the bottle back."""
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"Jenny's husband, Charley, was a male chauvinist. Even though they both worked full-time, he never helped around the house. Housework was woman's work! But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished--something's up.It turns out that Charley had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex. The night went well and the next day she told her office friends all about it.""We had a great dinner. Charley even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening.""""But what about afterward?"" asked her friends.""Oh, that was perfect too. Charley was too tired!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers. "" Hi, is Tony home?"" "" No, he went to the store."" ""Well, you mind if I wait?"" "" No, come in."" They sit down and the friend says ""You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."" Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says ""They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."" Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves. A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says ""You know, your weird friend Chris came over. "" Tony thinks about this for a second and says ""Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Crazy Jokes,"Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, ""Someone should go and tell his wife."" Bill says, ""OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."" 2 hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack. Charlie says, ""Where did you get that, Bill?""  ""Steve's wife gave it to me."" ""That`s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"" Bill says,""Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her,'You must be Steve's widow.'"" She said, ""No, I'm not a widow."" And I said, ""Wanna bet me a six-pack?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows in prayer. His friend says, ""Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."" The man then replies, ""Yeah, well we were married 35 years."""
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCISHOUSE OF PROSTITUTION10 MILESHe thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees another sign which says:SISTERS OF ST. FRANCISHOUSE OF PROSTITUTION5 MILESSuddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real. Then he drives past a third sign saying:SISTERS OF ST, FRANCISHOUSE OF PROSTITUTIONNEXT RIGHTHis curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:SISTERS OF ST. FRANCISHe climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, ""What may we do for you, my son?"" He answers, ""I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."" ""Very well, my son. Please follow me."" He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, ""Please knock on this door."" He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in long habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, ""Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."" He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:GO IN PEACEYOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWEDBY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS"
-Write a joke for this category,Bar Jokes,"TO MY DEAR WIFE, During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.The following is a list of wyh I did not succeed more often:54 times the sheets were clean.17 times it was too late.49 times you were too tired.20 times it was too hot.15 times you pretended to be asleep.22 times you had a headache.17 times you were afraid of waking the baby.16 times you said you were too sore.12 times it was the wrong time of month.19 times you had to get up early.9 times you said you weren't in the mood.7 times you were sunburned.6 times you were watching the late show.5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo.3 times you said the neighbors would hear us.9 times you said your mother would hear us.Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:6 times you just laid there.8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling.4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with.7 times I had to wake you and tell you I was finished.1 time I was afriad I had hurt you because I felt you move.TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:5 times you come home drunk and tried to screw the cat.36 times you didn't come home at all.21 times you didn't cum.33 times you came too soon.19 times you went soft before you got in.38 times you worked too late.10 times you got cramps in your toes.29 times you had to get up early to play golf.2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls.4 times you git it stuck in your zipper.3 times you had a cold and your nose was running.2 times you had a splinter in your finger.20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day.6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book.98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV.Of the times we did get together:The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, ""Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?""The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe."
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie said ""I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double."" The man agreed, and said ""I wish I had a mansion."" The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions. The man said ""I would like a million dollars."" The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars. Then the man said, ""Scare me half to death."""
-Write a joke for this category,Aviation,"A man boards an airplane, and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, ""So where are you flying to today?"" She turns and smiles, and says, ""To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention, in Chicago."" He swallows hard, and is instantly CRAZED with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, ""And what's your role at this convention?"" She flips her hair back, turns to him, locks onto his eyes and says, ""Well, I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."" ""Really"" he says, swallowing hard. ""And what myths are those?"" She explains, ""Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who romance women best, on average."" ""Very interesting,"" the man responds. Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed, and blushes. ""I'm sorry,"" she says, ""I feel so awkward discussing this with you, and I don't even know your name."" The man extends his hand and replies, ""Tonto... Tonto Goldstein."""
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulatingenough frequent flyer miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talkingabout all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if theyhave laptop computers, how they make money, etc.Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. ""Just how do you guys doit?"" asks Maureen. ""Pretty much the way you do,"" responds the Martian.Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for thenight and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to abedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie memberabout half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.""I don't think this is going to work,"" says Maureen.""Why?"" he asks, ""What's the matter?""""Well,"" she replies, ""It's just not long enough to reach me!""""No problem,"" he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quiteimpressively long.""Well,"" she says, ""That's quite impressive, but it's still prettynarrow....""""No problem,"" he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, hismember grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremelyexciting to the woman.""Wow!"" she exclaims, as they fall into bed and make mad, passionate love.The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go theirseparate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks ""Well, was it any good?""""I hate to say it,"" says Maureen, ""but it was pretty wonderful. How aboutyou?""""It was horrible,"" he replies. ""All I got was a headache. She keptslapping my forehead and pulling my ears."""
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"Two women where at a pub, having a fun night out, away from their husbands. When they got out and started walking back home, they suddenly had a strong urge to pee. They decided to do it in the cemetery, where they figured no one will notice them. Once they were done, they remembered they didn't bring toilet papers. The first one took her panties off, used it like paper and threw it away. The second used some flowers from one of the tombs. The day after, one of the husbands called the other and said, angrily: ""Looks like our wifes had quite a good time yesterday. Mine came home without her panties!"". The other one answered, even more angry: ""That's nothing. Mine came back with a small note sticked to here ass, saying 'we will never forget you. love, from all the guys""..."
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, ""Is your date running late?"" ""No,"" he replies, ""Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."" The intrigued woman says, ""A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"" Bond explains, ""It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."" The lady says, ""What's it telling you now?"" ""Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."" The woman giggles and replies, ""Well it must be broken because I'm wearing panties!"" Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, ""Bloody thing's an hour fast."""
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"After a long night buying a foxy women drinks, Joe took advantage by giving her a ride home. After the walk to the door, the women asked Joe in for a nightcap... One thing led to another ....After making love Joe rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, Joe asked the girl if she had one at hand. ""There might be some matches in the top drawer."", she said. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, Joe began to worry. ""Is this your husband?"" he inquired nervously. ""No, silly,"" she replied, snuggling up to him. ""Your boyfriend then?"" he asked. ""No, not at all,"" she said, nibbling away at his ear. ""Well, who is he then?"" demanded Joe bewildered. Calmly, the girl replied, ""That's me before the operation."""
-Write a joke for this category,Crazy Jokes,"A guy goes to a psychiatrist. ""Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"" The doctor replies: ""It's very simple. You're two tents."""
-Write a joke for this category,Medical,"41 Rules Men Wish Women Knew  1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down. 3 . Don't cut your hair. Ever. 4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again! 5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it. 7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lent, the shotgun formation and monster trucks. 8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat. 9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period. 10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 11. Shopping is not sport. 12. Anything you wear is fine. Really. 13. You have enough clothes. 14. You have too many shoes. 15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it. 16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too. 17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work. 18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar. 19. Yes, going to the bathroom standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes. 20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress? 21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers. 22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend. 24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. 25. Check your oil. 26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do. 27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived. 28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. 29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days. 30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. 31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the          ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one. 32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are? 33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out. 34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done not both. 35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we. 37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at. 38. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do. 39. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines. 40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Period. 41. Anyone can buy condoms, even you."
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"Why men can't win...If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity. If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference. If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're insensitive. If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor. If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob. If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist. If you're not, you're not ambitious. If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore"
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"A guy goes to the pharmacist and says, ""Listen, these two girls are coming over this weekend, and they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to get me going all night? It's going to be a wild party.""  The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle and says, ""This stuff is potent: drink only one ounce of it, and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know how it goes.""  The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist goes to work and finds the same guy waiting for him on the door-step. The pharmacist says, ""What are you doing here so early? How was your weekend?"" The guy replies, ""Quick, I need Blue Ice"" (muscle pain relief). The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, ""Are you crazy, you can't put that on your crotch. The skin is way too sensitive.""  The guy says, ""No, no, It's not for that, it's for my arm.""  Pharmacist: ""What?? What happened?""  Guy replies, ""Well...I drank the whole bottle of your potion.""  Pharmacist: ""Oh my god, and then what ? ""  ""The girls never showed up!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Science,"German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans had a nationwide telephone network. Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits already had a nationwide fibre optic network. Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing... They concluded that the ancient Hebrews had cellular telephones."
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.  He had an urge to stick his private parts into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.  One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.  ""What's wrong, Bill?"" she asked.  ""Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my privates into the pickle slicer?""  ""Oh, Bill, you didn't.""  ""Yes, I did.""  ""My God, Bill, what happened?""  ""I got fired.""  ""No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?""  ""Oh...she got fired too."""
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: ""The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"" ""How much for a season pass?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than  anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.  Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took a seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great  ambition.    ""Do you think you could give me some tips?"" he asked.   The old man looked him up and down and said, ""Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a lil' lower down on your leg.""   ""Will that make me a better gunfighter?"" asked the young man.   ""Sure will,"" said the old-timer.   The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.  ""That's terrific!"" said the cowboy. ""Got any more tips for me?""    ""Yep,"" said the old man. ""Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer   hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw.""   ""Will that make me a better gunfighter?"" asked the younger man.   ""You bet it will,"" said the old-timer.   The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a  blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player. ""Wow!"" said the cowboy.   ""I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?""  The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. ""See that axle  grease over there? Coat your gun with it.""   The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the  barrel of his gun.  ""No,"" said the old-timer, ""I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and  all.""   ""Will that make me a better gunfighter?"" asked the young man.   ""No,"" said the old-timer, ""but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your butt and it won't hurt as much."""
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"Paul, a guy on the local beach just couldn't make it with any of the girls, so he heads over to the lifeguard tower to see if the lifeguard has any advice for him.""Dude, it's obvious,"" says the lifeguard, ""you're wearing them baggy old swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outtastyle. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Spandex Speedos - abouttwo sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin ya man...you'll have all the babes ya want!""The following weekend, Paul hits the beach with his spanking new tightSpeedos, and his fist-sized potato and it's worse than before. Everybodyon the beach acts disgusted as he walks by, covering their faces, turningaway, laughing, looking sick! So Paul goes back to the lifeguard again and asks him, ""What's wrong now?""""JAHEESUS!"" says the lifeguard, ""The potato goes in front!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, ""Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.""  The man said, ""Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."" The Lord said, ""Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me.""  The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, ""Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing is wrong' and how I can make a woman truly happy.""  The Lord replied, ""You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"THE GAG TEST:Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night). EGGS:When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime. DAIRY PRODUCTS:Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yoghurt.  Yoghurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese.  Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese.  Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already.  Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realise you've never purchased that kind. MAYONNAISE:If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled. FROZEN FOODS:Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wreckedanyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife. EXPIRATION DATES:This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries.  Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen. MEAT:           If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled. BREAD:Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable ""spots"" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread.  Fuzzy and hairy-looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment. FLOUR:Flour is spoiled when it wiggles. SALT:It never spoils. CANNED GOODS:Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a tennis ball should be disposed of. Carefully. CARROTS:A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh. RAISINS AND SULTANAS:Raisins and sultanas should not be harder than your teeth. POTATOES:Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth. CHIP DIP:If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad. EMPTY CONTAINERS:Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with your mother or have a maid. UNMARKED ITEMS:You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them. GENERAL RULE OF THUMB:Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this."
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying, ""I know that in your religion you're not supposed to eat pork. Have you actually ever tasted it?""The rabbi said, ""I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion.""Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, ""Your religion, too... I know you're suposed to be celibate, but...?""The priest replied, ""Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice.""There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, ""Better than pork, isn't it?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"A guy applied to join a nudist club. ""Exactly what do you do here?"" he asked.  ""It's quite simple,"" said the club secretary, ""We take off all our clothes and commune with nature.""  ""Cool,"" said the guy, ""...count me in!!!"" So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off.  As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, ""Beware of Gays."" A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing ""Beware of Gays."" He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground.  He bent over to read the plaque and it said, ""Sorry....You've had two warnings!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed him, questioned her, and then asked if she wished to give her husband any message if they found him. ""Yes,"" she replied readily. ""Tell him Mother didn't come after all."""
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"""Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully,"" the divorce court judge said, ""and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week.""""That's very fair, your honor,"" the husband said. ""And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."""
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"Wandering dejectedly in The Garden of Eden, Eve told God, ""I'm lonely I'm tired of eating apples by myself."" ""Okay,"" God said, ""I'll create a man for you."" Eve said, ""A man! What's that?"" ""He's a creature with aggressive tendencies and an enormous ego. He won't listen very well, he'll get lost easily, but never stop to ask for directions. However, he is big and strong, he can open jars and hunt animals. And he'll be fun in bed."" ""Sounds great!"" said Eve. ""Oh, and one more thing,"" God said. ""He will want to believe that I made HIM first."""
-Write a joke for this category,Police Jokes,"A man was driving down a local street one day and approached a stop sign. He barely slowed down and ran right through the stop sign after glancing for traffic. What the driver didn't know was that a policeman was watching the intersection. The policeman pulled out after him and stopped the car two blocks away. Policeman: ""License, registration and proof of insurance please."" Driver: ""Before I give it to you, tell me what the heck you stopped me for, man."" Policeman: ""Watch your tone sir; you ran the stop sign back there!!"" Driver: ""Man, I slowed down, what the heck is the difference!?!"" The police officer pulled out his night stick and began smashing it over the man's head and shoulders. Policeman: ""Now, do you want me to just slow down or stop!!!?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"One day there was this Teacher who after missing a few days of school because of snow on friday decided to tell her students that there was going to be a test monday no matter what. So the the class clown in class raises his had asks, ""Well what if I have some great sexaul expeirences this weekend and I come in on monday and I am just too tired to take that test?"" Then the teacher responds with, ""Well I guess you will have to use your left hand to write then."""
-Write a joke for this category,Aviation,"Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year and every year Morris would say, ""Esther, I'd like to ride in that airplane.""    Esther always replied, ""I know Morris, but that airplane ride costs 50  dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.""    One year Morris and Esther went to the fair and Morris said, ""Esther, I'm  85 years old. If I don't ride that airplane I might never get another  chance.""    Esther replied, ""Morris, that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 is  dollars is 50 dollars.""    The pilot overheard them and said, ""Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take  you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not  say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word it's 50 dollars.""    Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.    The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a  word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word.  When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, ""By golly, I did  everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't.""    Morris replied, ""Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell out, but  50 dollars is 50 dollars."""
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, ""I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."" With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man. God got mad and said, ""You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only,one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"" And the man replied, ""I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."""
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. ""The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $40 the first time.""He continued, ""Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $90. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $200. Are there any questions?""At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, ""How much for a season pass?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"These two guys meet after not having seen each otherfor many many years. The first guy asks the second guy,""How have things been going?"" The second guy  speakingvery slowly  tells the first guy,  ""I w..a..s.. a..l..m..o..s..t      m..a..r..r..i..e..d."" The first guy says in amazement, ""Hey, you don't stutterany more."" The answer comes,  "" Y..e..s,   I    w..e..n..t    t..o    a   d..o..c..t..o..r..a..n..d   h..e    t..o..l..d  m..e   t..h..a..t    i..fI    s..p..e..a..k.. s..l..o..w..l..y   I    w..i..l..ln..o..t   s..t..u..t..t..e..r.""  The first friend congratulates him and then asks againabout how he was almost married.  ""W..e..l..l    m..y    f..i..a..n..c..e..e    a..n..dI    w..e..r..e   s..i...t..t..i..n..g.. o..n   h..e..rp..o...r..c..h   a..n..d   t..h..e   d..o..g   w..a..ss..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g    h..i..s   b..a..c..ka..n..d  I   t..o..l..d     h..e..r   t..h..a..t   w..h..e..nw..e    a..r..e   m..a..r..r..i..e..d   s..h..e   c..a..nd..o   t..h..a..t    f..o..r   m..e    a..n..d   s..h..et..h..r..e..w   t..h..e     r..i..n..g    i..n     m..yf..a..c..e..""  ""Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?""asks the first friend. "" W..e..l..l     I     s..p..e..a..ks..o   s..l..o..w..l..y,   t..h..a..t     b..y     t..h..et..i..m..e    s..h..e l..o..o..k..e..d.. a..t   t..h..e    d..o..g,    h..e     w..a..s   l..i..c..k..i..n..gh..i..s    b..a..l..l..s"""
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man.  The father invites the fiance to his study for a drink. ""So what are your plans?"" the father asks the young man.  ""I am a Torah scholar,"" he replies.  ""A Torah scholar. Hmmm,"" the father says. ""Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?""  ""I will study,"" the young man replies, ""and God will provide for us.""  ""And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?"" asks the father.  ""I will concentrate on my studies,"" the young man replies, ""God will provide for us.""  ""And children?"" asks the father. ""How will you support children?""  ""Don't worry, sir, God will provide,"" replies the fiancee.  The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.  Later, the mother asks, ""How did it go, Honey?""  The father answers, ""He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."""
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"John walks up to the bar tender and bets him $200.00 that he can take off his ear and place it on the bar..   The bartender thinks to himself, ""I know this isn't possible""   ""OK I will bet you the 200.00 dollars!""  the bartendar told John John took off his ear and placed it on the bar....and then said to the bartender, ""You owe me 200.00!!!    The next day John came to the bar again.  He had a new bet for the bartender!!  ""I bet you 2,000 dollars that I can pee in this shoot glass and get every drop in?     The bartender thought to himself again,"" No way can he do this!"" ""OK I'll bet you!"" said the bartender.   He starts peeing all over the bar, the tables, the chairs, everywhere. ""HA HA I got ya...you owe me 2,000 dollars!!!!"" said the bartender. John said, ""Here's your 2,000....it's ok cause you see that table over there?  I bet them 6,000 dollars that i could pee on your bar without you getting mad!!!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, ""Is this a union house?"" ""No,"" she replied, ""I'm sorry, it isn't."" ""Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"" ""The house gets $80.00 and the girls get $20.00."" Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, ""Why, yes, sir, this IS a Union House."" The man asked, ""And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"" ""The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20.00."" ""That's more like it!!!"" the Teamster said. He handed the Madam $100.00, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. ""I'd like her for the night."" ""I'm sure you would, sir,"" said the Madam, then pointing to an 85 year-old woman in the corner, ""but Ethel here has seniority."""
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"These two men were cellmates at state penitentiary for nine years.  Oneday Larry said to Joe, ""You know man its been a long time since we hadsome sex so you oughta let me screw you.""Joe replied.  ""Are you crazy?!!""Larry went on to say, ""I promise you that it won't hurt and we'll flip a coin and see who screws, who first.So, Joe thought about it for a minute and finally agreed.  They flipped a coin and Larry won.Still having strong reservation Joe asked, ""How will you tell if it hurts or not?""Larry told Joe, ""If it hurts you start making animal noises, and I'll stop. But if it feels good start singing."" Larry started the insertion and Joe screamed,Moooooooo....  Moooooo...  Mooooon River"
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"There was this guy named John that went to heaven. He looked around and saw millions of clocks, some were slow and some were fast. He went to God to ask a question.  ''What's the deal with all these clocks?'' John asked.  ''Well,'' said God, ''these clocks tell how much a person masturbates.''  ''Well, where's my clock?'' asked John.  ''It's in the office,'' replied God. ''We use it as a fan.''"
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"A tourist is in Spain, and goes to a fancy restaurant for dinner. As he looks around, he notices a diner being served a beautifully garnished dish with two gigantic meatballs in the middle. When the waiter asks him for his order, the man asks him about the meatball dish. The waiter explains that the meatballs are bull's testicles, and when the bull loses the bullfight, the bull is brought to the restaurant, and this beautiful dish is made. The diner tells the waiter that he wants the bulls testicles for dinner, but the waiter tells him that only one bull a day is brought to the restaurant, but he can have it tommorrow. The diner agrees. The next day the diner goes to the restaurant, and orders the testicle dish. When his food is brought out, he notices that the meatballs are extremely small. He mentions this to the waiter, and the waiter replies, ''Well sir you have to understand, sometimes the bull wins''."
-Write a joke for this category,Food Jokes,"""May I take your order?"" the waiter asked. ""Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?"" ""Nothing special sir,"" he replied. ""We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."""
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"Sam had been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.  After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a huge, bearded man standing there.""Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road...Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00...""""Great,"" says Sam, ""after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.""As Lars is leaving, he stops. ""Gotta warn you... There's gonna be some drinkin'.""Not a problem,"" says Sam. ""After 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em.""Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. ""More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too.""Sam says, ""Well, I get along with people, I'll be alright. I'll be there. Thanks again.""Once again Lars turns from the door. ""More'n likely be some wild sex, too.""""Now that's really not a problem,"" says Sam, warming to the idea. ""I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?""Lars stops in the door again and says, ""Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."""
-Write a joke for this category,Sex,"A man went to the doctor and said, ""Doctor, I've got a problem, but if   you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh.""   ""Of course I won't laugh,"" the doctor said. ""I'm a professional. In  over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.""   ""Okay then,"" the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers,   revealing the tiniest member the doctor has ever seen.   Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten   minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his   composure.    ""I'm so sorry,"" he said. ""I don't know what came over me. On my honor   as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what   seems to be the problem?""     ""It's swollen."""
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first teeandthe fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking and bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, ""My son is a home builder, and he is sosuccessful that he gave a friend a new home for free. Just gave it tohim!"" The second man said, ""My son was a car salesman, and now he owns amulti-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave one of hisfriends a new Mercedes, fully loaded."" The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, ""My son is astockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entireportfolio."" The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of takingcare of business. The first man mentioned, ""We were just talking about oursons. How is yours doing?"" The fourth man replied, ""Well, my son is gay and go-go dances in a gaybar."" The other three men grew silent as he continued, ""I'm not totallythrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His lastthree boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stockportfolio."""
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"This newfie, one time, wanted to marry a Shieks daughter in Egypt. So the Shiek said to the Newfie, ""You have to complete three tasks before you can marry here.""So the newfie replied, ""That sounds good.""So then the Shiek said, ""There are three tents. In the first tent, there is a forty ounce bottle of rum, which you have to drink in a half hour.""The newfie replies, ""piece of cake.""""In the second tent,"" the Shiek said, ""there is a saber tooth tiger that needs his tooth pulled.""The Newfie replies, ""EASY.""""And in the third tent,"" the Shiek says, ""there is a women that has never been sexually pleasured before, and you have to pleasure her.""The Newfie replies, ""Not a problem""So the Newfie walk in the first tent, and a half hour later, he walks out and says, ""Well, that was easy enough, show me the next tent.""So the Newife walks into the second tent and then the tent started to shake, and strange noises started to sound. A few minutes later, there was silence. The Newfie walks out of the tent, bleeeding and ripped upo clothes and says, ""NOW, wheres that women who wanted her tooth pulled"""
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"A cowboy finds himself captured by indians. The indians decide they are going to kill him, and the chief tells the cowboy he may have 3 last requests granted to him. The cowboy walks over to his horse and whispers something in his ear. The horse takes off running, and then returns in 10 minutes with a young, busty blond. The cowboy shrugs, and takes the blond into a nearby teepee. He emerges 10 minutes later. The chief then tells him, he has 2 requests left.The cowboy goes over to his horse again and whispers something in his ear. Again, the horse takes off and returns a short time later, this time with a young, busty brunette. The cowboy looks at her, and shrugs, taking her into a nearby teepee and then comes out 10 minutes later. He is reminded he has one request left.He goes back to his horse and whispers in his other ear 'For the last time, I said bring me MY POSSEE!!'"
-Write a joke for this category,Bar Jokes,"One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says ""You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him.""So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. ""Excuse me sir"" he starts, ""but I noticed you look just like me!"" The second man turns around and says ""Yeah, I noticed the same thing. Where you from?""""I'm from Dublin"" came the reply.""Me too! What street do you live on?""""McCarthy street""The second man replies, ""Me too! What number is it?""""162"" the first man replies.""Me too! What are your parents names?""""Connor and Shannon""The second man, almost dumbfounded says, ""Mine too! This is unbelievable!"" So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks ""What's new today?""""Oh nothing much, the Murphy twins are drunk again though."""
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his familyincluding his mother-in-law.During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem.George'smother-in-law died.With the death certificate in hand, George went to the AmericanConsulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to theStates for proper burial.The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law  toldGeorge that the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very,very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00.The Consul continues,  in most cases the person responsible for theremains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost$150.00.George thinks for some time and answers, ""I don't care how much itwill cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do,""The Consul, after hearing this, says ""You must have loved yourmother-in-law very much considering the difference in price.""""No, it's not that,"" says George. ""You see, I know of a case  manyyears ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem.  On the thirdday he arose from the dead!  I just can't take that chance."""
-Write a joke for this category,Bar Jokes,"3 men were locked up in jail for 100 years for some terrible crime. They could all have one thing each in jail. The first guy wanted beer, the second guy wanted naked woman and the third guy wanted marijuana. 100 years later they checked up on them. The first guy said ""oh gosh no more beer, full, drunk."" The second guy said ""oh, the woman fight, well im going gay."" Then the third guy said ""Does anyone have a lighter?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"A guy goes into a pharmacy walks up to the pharmacist and asks him for some condoms. The pharmacist says: ""well they come in packs of 3, 9, and 12"". The kid says: ""well im going to have dinner at her place tonight and after that were going out and i think im gonna get lucky and once she had me she wont be able to get enough, so better make it twelve"". Meanwhile he goes home and gets ready and heads over to her house to have dinner and meet her parents. They sit down ready for dinner and they ask him to say grace. He says it and goes on and on and on... The girl leans over and says: ""you didn't tell me you were such a religious person"", and he leans back and says: ""you didn't tell me your dad was a pharmacist""."
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"There was an Englishman,an Irishman  and Scotishman siting on the edge of a cliff having a picnic.The Scotishman says ""Oh god i've got ham in my sarndwiches again, if i get ham tomorrow i'll jump off this cliff"".So the  Englishman looks in his sandwiches and says ""Oh i've got beef in my sandwiches again,if get beef again i'll jump with ya Scottishman.""So the Irishman looks in his sandwiches and says ""Oh i've got bloody tuna in my sandwiches again,if i get tuna again i'll join you two guys"".So the next day they all meet at the cliff and check their sandwiches.""Oh crap,""says the scottishman,""i've got ham!"". So he jumps off the cliff.""Oh bugger,""says the Englishman,""i've got beef again!"".So he jumps off the cliff.The Irishman looks in his sandwiches and says""Bollocks! i've got tuna again!"". So he jumps off too. At the funeral the wifes meet up crying. The English wife says""I only made him beef because i thought he liked it"".And the Scottish wife says""Same here only made ham because i thought he liked it"".Then the Irish wife says""Its not my fault he makes his own sandwiches!"".l"
-Write a joke for this category,Bar Jokes,"Two Buddies were drinking in a bar one night and had became extreamly drunk. One guy was so drunk that he had got sick all over his shirt. He looks at his buddy and says ""My wife is gonna kill me when I get home,this is a brand new shirt! His buddy looks at him and says ""don't worry,just put $20 in your front pocket and tell her that some guy got sick on you and gave you $20 for the cleaning bill. The guy thinks this is a exellent idea and continues to drink. He closes the bar down and heads home. When he arrives and opens the front door his wife is standing there waiting on him. ""just look at you, you drunk bastard! You even got sick all over yourself"". The man replies ""No baby, it isnt like that some guy got sick on me and look here he gave me $20 for the cleaning bill. She pulls the money out of his pocket and counts it and says ""Wait one minute theres $40 here! The guy looks at her and says "" Oh yea, he crapped in my pants too!"
-Write a joke for this category,Bar Jokes,"A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. ""Where have you been all night?"" she demands. ""At this new bar,"" he says. ""The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden.  It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinal's gold!"" The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story. ""Is this the Golden Saloon?"" she asks when the bartender answers the  phone. ""Yes it is,"" bartender answers. ""Do you have huge golden doors?"" ""Sure do."" ""Do you have golden floors?"" ""Most certainly do."" ""What about golden urinals?"" There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling,  ""Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that peed in your saxophone last night!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"A local florist just went out of business, but it was his own fault. He kept getting his orders mixed up. One woman received flowers sent by her husband, who was at a business meeting in Florida. She was perplexed by the message on her card: ""Our deepest sympathy."" 	But she was not nearly as surprised as the woman whose husband had just passed away. Her card read, ""Hotter here than I expected. Too bad you didn't come too."""
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"When the end of the world comes, everybody on earth goes to heaven. God comes and says, ""I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."" With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man. God became angry and said, ""You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"" And the man replied, ""I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."""
-Write a joke for this category,Medical,"A man was in a terrible accident, and his ""manhood"" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic.  The doctor said that the cost would be $3500 for small, $6500 for medium, and $14,000 for large. The man was sure he wanted a large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected.  ""Well, what have the two of you decided?"" asked the doctor.  The man answered, ""She'd rather remodel the kitchen."""
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"A guy walks into a bar with a frog on his forehead and says ""Bartender give me a scotch on the rocks."" The bartender returns with the drink, and being kind of curious about the pair, asks: ""If you don't mind my asking, how'd you end up with that thing on you?""  Immediately the frog replies, ""I don't know, it started out as a wart on my ass!""."
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched bya midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guydoesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range. ""Wow!"" comments the midget. ""Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"" Surprised and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts to move away. ""Listen, I know this is a rather strange request,"" says the little fellow, ""but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them?"" Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request. The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on theman's balls, and says, ""Okay, hand over your wallet or I'll jump!"" ** Shibu **"
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"There are two guys that are trying to get a quick 18 holes, but there are 2 terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball everywhere but where it's supposed to go. The first guy says: ""Why don't you go over and ask if we can play through?""The second guy gets about halfway there and comes back. The first guy asks what's wrong?He says: ""One of them is my wife, and the other one is my mistress.""The first guy says: ""That could be a problem. I'll go over."" He gets about half way there and comes back.The second guy asks what's wrong?The first guy answers: ""Small world!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Food Jokes,"A woman`s garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes won`t ripen. There`s a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and she`s getting tired of it. So she goes to her neighbor and says, ""Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?"" Her neighbor replies, ""Well, it may sound absurd but here`s what to do. Tonight there`s no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they`ll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they`ll all be red, you`ll see."" Well, what the heck? She does it. Next day her neighbor asks how it worked. ""So-so,"" she answers. ""The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer."""
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"4 men went golfing one day. Three headed to the first tee while the other went to the clbhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, ""My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gavea friend a new home for free."" The second man said, ""My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a brand new mercedes, fully loaded."" The third man not wanting to be outdone, bragged, ""My son is a stockbroker, and is so successful that he gave a friend an entire portfolio."" The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking caring of business. The first man mentioned, ""We were just talking about our sons.How is yours doing?"" The fourth man replied, ""Well my son is gay and and dances in a gay bar."" The others grew silent as he continued, ""I'm not tottally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a stock portfolio anda brand new mercedes."""
-Write a joke for this category,Men,"While escaped, a convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, ""Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it.""  ""Dear,"" the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, ""I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you are really cute!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Redneck,"A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a red neck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the red neck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter. The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter. After the trial, the brother went to the red neck's house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000. The red neck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go."
-Write a joke for this category,Redneck,"Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants.Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, ""Hey Jasper, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in.""""But we's privates,"" protests Jasper.""We's sergeants now, ""says Leroy, pulling him inside.""Now, Jasper, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink.""""But we's privates,"" says Jasper. ""Are you blind, boy?"" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. ""We's sergeants now.""So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. ""You're cute,"" she says, ""and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea.""Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, ""Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."" So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign. Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. ""Jasper,"" he says, ""why did you give me the okay sign?""""Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea affects only the privates."" He points to his stripes. ""But we's sergeants now!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Redneck,"A guy was duck hunting in Alabama when the park ranger walks up,""Afternoon sir"", the ranger says, ""You got an Alabama duck hunting license""?""Yes I do"", the redneck replies.The ranger picks up one of the ducks and sticks a finger up it's bum and takes a lick of his finger then says, ""Sorry but this ducks from Georgia, you got a Georgia license?""""Yes I do sir"" , the redneck says,So the ranger picks up another duck with the same results says, ""well this duck is from Mississippi, you got a license from Mississippi?""""Yes I do sir"" the good ole boys says.""Well dang son where you from?"" the ranger says.The old boy stands up turns around, drops his drawers and says:""Well you tell me buddy!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Redneck,"Two redneck hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their pickemup truck. Another hunter approached pulling his along too. ""Hey,"" says the lone hunter, ""I don't want to tell you how to do something... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the opposite direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."" After the lone hunter left, the two rednecks decided to give it a try. A little while later one says to the other, ""Ya know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"" ""Yep,"" the other added, ""but we're gittin' further away from the truck...."""
-Write a joke for this category,Redneck,"An Irishman in a wheelchair rolls into a bar and asks the waitress for a cup of coffee.  He then looks over at the bar and asks the waitress, ""Is that Jesus?""  The waitress says that it is, so the Irishman says, ""Give him a cup of coffee... I'll pay."" A few minutes later, an Englishman with a humped back walks in and asks the waitress for a cup of tea.  He then asks the waitress, ""Hey... is that Jesus over there?""  The waitress nods and so the Englishman says, ""Give 'im a cup of tea... on me."" A few minutes later, a Redneck walks in on a pair of crutches.  He says, ""Hey, sweet thang... how's 'bout an ice-cold coke.  Holy smokes... is that Jesus?""  The waitress says, ""Sure is.""  So, the Redneck says, ""Give the ol' boy a coke... put it on my tab.""  Later, Jesus gets up to leave, walks over to the Irishman, touches him and says, ""For your kindness, you are healed.""  The Irishman gets up out of his wheelchair and dances a jig out of the door.  Jesus walks over to the Englishman, touches him and says, ""For your kindness, you are healed.""  The Englishman stretches out his back and does backflips out the door.  Jesus walks over to the Redneck.  Then, the Redneck gets up, backs away, and says, ""Stay away from me... I'm drawin' disability!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Redneck,"1. Never take a beer to a job interview.2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.DINING OUT1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to ""bruise"" the fruit of the vine.2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with yourfingers covering the label.ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.2. Do not allow the dog to eat from the table...no matter how good his manners are.PERSONAL HYGIENE1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job thatshould be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, asthey tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.DATING (Outside the Family)1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the firstdate.2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: ""I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.""3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say ""Monday."" If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her toschool on time.THEATER ETIQUETTE1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.WEDDINGS1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.4. Though uncomfortable, say ""yes"" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.DRIVING ETIQUETTE1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largesttires always has the right of way.3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession."
-Write a joke for this category,Redneck,"A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, ""Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now.""  He looks at her and says angrily, ""Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so.""  ""Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right.""  To which he replied, ""Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so.""  ""Fine,"" she says, ""Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break.""  ""I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps,"" he says. ""Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!""  So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. ""Honey, how'd this all get fixed?""  She said, ""Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake.""  He said, ""So, what kind of cake did you bake him?""  She replied, ""Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Redneck,"The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced ""Bear."" Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, ""Shot with a .308 rifle."" He was right.They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, ""Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again. Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind,and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, ""I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this blackeye?"" His wife angrily replied, ""I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, ""Skunk, killed with an axe."""
-Write a joke for this category,Redneck,"The first grade class gathered around the teacher for a game of ""Guess the Animal"".  The first picture the teacher held up was of a cat.  ""Okay, boys and girls,"" she said brightly, ""can anyone tell me what this is?""  ""I know, I know, it's a cat!""  yelled a little boy.""Very good, Eddie.  Now, who knows what this animal is called?""  ""That's a dog!"" piped up the same little boy.""Right, again.  And what about this animal?"" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.Silence fell over the class.  After a minute or two, the teacher said, ""I'll give you a hint, children...it's something you're mother calls your father"".""I know, I know,"" screamed Eddie.  It's a horny bastard!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Redneck,"Arkansas State Residency Application  ARKANSAS STATE RESIDENCY APPLICATION Name:(_) Billy-Bob (last) (_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray (_) Billy-Sue (_) Billy-Mae (_) Billy-Jack (_) Billy-Jefferson (Check appropriate box) Age: ____ Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right Occupation: (_)Farmer (_)Mechanic (_)Hair Dresser (_)Unemployed Spouse's Name: __________________________ Relationship with spouse: (_) Sister (_) Brother (_) Aunt (_) Uncle (_) Cousin (_) Mother (_) Father (_) Son (_) Daughter (_) Pet Number of children living in household: ___ Number that are yours: ___ Mother's Name: _______________________ Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank) Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed) Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box) ___ Total number of vehicles you own ___ Number of vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___ Number of vehicles in back yard ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ kitchen ____ shed Model and year of your pickup: ___________194_ Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: (_)The National Enquirer (_)The Globe (_)TV Guide (_)Soap Opera Digest ___ Number of times you've seen a UFO ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO How often do you bathe: (_)Weekly (_)Monthly (_)Not Applicable Color of teeth: (_)Yellow (_)Brownish-Yellow (_)Brown (_)Black (_)N/A Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-Man How far is your home from a paved road? (_)1 mile (_)2 miles (_)don't know"
-Write a joke for this category,Redneck,"You know yours is a Red Neck Church if:Upon learning that Jesus fed the 5000, the men want to know whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em. The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one. The pastor says, ""I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering."" Then five guys and two women stand up. Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday. A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because ""It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."" The choir is known as the ""OK Chorale."" In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory. Baptism is referred to as ""Branding."" There is a special bake sale to raise funds for a new church septic tank. High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling. The baptismal is a #2 galvanized wash tub. The choir robes were donated by Billy Bob's Bar-B-Q, and areembroidered with his logo. The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy."
-Write a joke for this category,Redneck,"You might be a Redneck Jedi if...You ever heard the phrase, ""May the force be with y'all.""Your Jedi robe is camouflage.You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of BudLight.At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgumskeeters.Wookies are offended by your B.O.You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so youdidn't have to wait for a commercial.You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.Your father has ever said to you, ""Shoot, son come on over to thedark side...it'll be a hoot.""You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defenseelectro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of yourland-speeder.You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Dukeshorts.You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to getin through the window.Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba theHutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwooddeck.You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantinascene.If you hear . . . ""Luke, I am your father . . . and your uncle."""
-Write a joke for this category,Redneck,"Dear son,  Im writing this slow cause i know you cant read fast. Your pop read that all accidents happen within 20 miles of home so we moved. Can't send you the address as the last arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them so they wouldnt have to change their address. That coat you wanted, aunt billy-mae said it was too heavy with them buttons, so we took them off and put them in the pockets. Your sister had a baby yester morn. Don't know if its a boy or girl so dont know if youre an aunt or uncle. Three of your friends went off the bridge last week. One was drivig the other two were in the back. The driver lived, he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned, they coulnt get the talegate down. Please write back. It you dont get this letter, let me know and i will send another one. Love, ma"
-Write a joke for this category,Redneck,"A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of themsuddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.He gasps to the operator, ""I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?""The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, ""Just take it easy andfollow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead.""There is a silence, and then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line, ""Okay, he's dead."""
-Write a joke for this category,Money,"1. Go to O'Reillys auto parts and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree. 2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard. 3. Open a beer and drink it. 4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. 5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. 6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it. 7. Place drain pan under engine. 8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench. 9. Give up and use crescent wrench. 10. Unscrew drain plug. 11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process. 12. Clean up. 13. Have another beer while oil is draining. 14. Look for oil filter wrench. 15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off. 16. Beer. 17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow. 18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. 19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18. 20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday. 21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer. 22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first. 23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. 24. Remember drain plug from step 11. 25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. 26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor. 27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame. 28. Bang head on floor board in reaction. 29. Begin a cussing fit. 30. Throw wrench. 31. Cuss and complain. 32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle. 33. Beer. 34. Beer. 35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil. 36. Beer. 37. Lower car from jack stands 38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands 39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23. 40. Test drive car 41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence. 42. Car gets impounded. 43. Make bail; get car from impound yard. Money Spent: $50 parts $12 beer $75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to match! $1000 Bail $200 Impound and towing fee Total: $1337"
-Write a joke for this category,Redneck,"Three rednecks, Bubba, Earl and Jeb, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.""Come have a look over here"", says Bubba, ""It's Zeb Jones' grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87.""""That's nothing"", says Earl, ""here's one named Butch Smith. It says here that he was 95 when he died.""Just then, Jeb yells out, ""But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!""""What was his name?"" asks Bubba.Jeb lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, ""Miles, from Georgia.""."
-Write a joke for this category,Redneck,"The two finalists were a Yale graduate and a redneck. The final contest was for them to make a poem in 2 minutes containing a word that would be given to them by the judges. The word was ""TIMBUKTU"".  The Yale graduate was the first to give his poem:  Slowly across the desert sand, Trekked a lonely caravan. Men on camels two by two, Destination Timbuktu.  The audience went wild. They thought the redneck would never stand a chance against him-a YALE graduate.  Nevertheless, the redneck stood up and gave his poem:  Me and Tim a hunting went, Met three whores in a pop-up tent. They were three and we were two, So I bucked one and Timbuktu.  The redneck won hands down."
-Write a joke for this category,Children,"Little Johnny, Billy and Tommy were walking home from school one warm spring day. As they were cutting through the alleys and backyards, they happened to look through a hole in the fence of one of the yards where a woman was sunbathing in the nude. As they looked through the hole, Johnny suddenly started to scream, left his friends and took off running for home. The next day, as the three boys came home again, they found the same hole in the fence and started to watch the woman. Again, after just a few minutes, Johnney started screaming and ran off quickly. On the third day, the boys were peeping into the hole in the fence again after school, when Johnny turned around and started to run again. But this time, Bill and Tommy grabbed him and demanded to know what was wrong. Johnny replied, ""My mother told me that if I ever looked at a naked woman, I would turn to stone... And I started to feel a part of me getting awfully hard    """
-Write a joke for this category,Children,"One day mom was cleaning juniors room and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her.She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.She finally asked him, ""Well what should we do about this?""Dad looked at her and said, ""Well, I don't think you should spank him."""
-Write a joke for this category,Children,Kid's Books That Should Never Be Written:'You Were an Accident''Strangers Have the Best Candy''The Little Sissy Who Snitched''Some Kittens Can Fly!''The Protocols of the Grandpas of Zion''How to Dress Sexy for Grownups''Getting More Chocolate on Your Face''Where Would You Like to Be Buried?''Katy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her''The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!''All Dogs Go to Hell''The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking''When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It''Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia''What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?''Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?''Bi-Curious George''Daddy Drinks Because You Cry''Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver''You Are Different and That's Bad''Why God Burned Down Disney Land'
-Write a joke for this category,Children,"At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, ""I know the whole truth"". The boy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, ""I know the whole truth."" His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, ""Just don't tell your father."" Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, ""I know the whole truth."" The father promptly hands him $40 and says, ""Please don't say a word to your mother."" Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, ""I know the whole truth."" The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, ""Then come give your father a big hug."""
-Write a joke for this category,Children,"A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.""It's a period,'' said the little boy.""Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."""
-Write a joke for this category,Children,"A little boy returning home from school said to his mother, 'Mom, what's sex?' His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject. When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, 'Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?'"
-Write a joke for this category,Children,"It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. ""Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?"" he says.""That's cool"" says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do.Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.Carrie's father responds, ""Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."" Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it.""Yeah,"" says Carrie's father, ""Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!""Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, ""DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Children,"A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.""Now, class, closely observe the worms,"" said the professor while putting a worm into the water.The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.""Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?"" the professor asked.Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, respondedconfidently, ""Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."""
-Write a joke for this category,Children,"Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week. Johnny said, ""Mommy, guess what? Yesterday, I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady from next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and then Daddy got on top of her and --"" The mother held up her hand and said, ""Not another word! Wait until your father gets home, and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."" The father came home, and the wife told him that she was leaving him. ""But why?"" croaked the husband. ""Go ahead, Johnny. Tell Daddy just what you told me."" ""Well,"" said little Johnny, ""I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of her and they did just what you did, Mommy, with Uncle Bob when Daddy was away last summer!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Children,"Little Johnny's father asked him, ""Do you know about the birds and the bees?"" ""I don't want to know!"" little Johnny said, bursting into tears. Confused, the father asked little Johnny what was wrong. ""Oh dad,"" Little Johnny sobbed, ""At age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Children,"A mother took her little boy to church.  While in church the little boy said, ""Mommy, I have to pee.""  The mother said to the little boy, ""It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper'.""  The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, ""Daddy, I have to whisper.""  The Father looked at him and said, ""Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear."""
-Write a joke for this category,Children,"Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, ""Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."" Johnny looked up and replied, ""Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."""
-Write a joke for this category,Children,"Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ""Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?"" When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ""God Almighty !"" shouted Mary. The teacher said, ""Very good!"" and Mary fell back to sleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, ""Who is our Lord and Savior?"", but Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ""Jesus Christ!"" shouted Mary. The teacher said, ""Very good!"" and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ""What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"" Again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ""If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Children,"HERE ARE SOME CHILDREN BOOKS THAT WILL NEVER BE PUBLISHED:---------------------------------------""You Were an Accident""""Strangers Have the Best Candy""""The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!""""When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It""""Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia""""What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?""""Why can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Socket be friends?""""Daddy Drinks Because You Cry""""Dad's New Wife Timothy""""Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games""""The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables""""The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy""""Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will""""The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead""""How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School""""Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear"""
-Write a joke for this category,Children,"The little boy walks into his father's bedroom and catches him putting on a condom. He says, ""What are you doing, Pop? The father stutters ""I'm going to kill a mouse, son."" The kid says, ""What are you going to do, bang him to death?"""
-Write a joke for this category,School,"Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. ""Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"" ""But why, Mom? I don't want to go."" ""Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."" ""Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"" ""Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."" ""Give me two reasons why I should go to school."" ""Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Children,"The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. A nun made a note and posted it on the apple tray: ""Take only ONE……God is watching."" Further along the line, at the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note: ""Take all you want……God is watching the apples."""
-Write a joke for this category,Children,"This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.""Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named ""Mighty Storm""?""Because he was conceived during a mighty storm.""""Why is my sister named ""Cornflower""?""Well, your father and I were in a cornfield, when we made her.""""And why is my other sister called ""Moonchild""?""We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived.""""Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Children,"A six year old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa. When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into his grampa's room. ""Grampa, Grampa,"" he says excitedly, ""as soon as grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"" ""What?"" said his grandpa. ""Make a noise like a frog because grandma said that as soon as you croaked, we're going to Disneyland!!!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Children,"A little boy goes to the drugstore for some condoms. He goes up to thepharmacist and asked him, ""Sir, can you tell me where the ribbed condoms are?""The pharmacist replied, ""Son, do you know what condoms are used for?""""Sure do"" replied the boy, ""They keep you from getting venereal diseases.""""Yes, that's true,"" said the pharmacist, ""but do you know what the ribsare for?""The little boy thought for a moment, then looked up at the pharmacist and replied, ""Well, not exactly, but they sure do make the hair on the backs of them goats stand up."""
-Write a joke for this category,Children,"Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. They had  to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer,cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting   on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.  One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got  a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into  the creek and floated away.  That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed  after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad replied,""Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it, son?"" The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, ""Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into  trouble because he told the truth.""  The dad replied, ""Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't  in that cherry tree."""
-Write a joke for this category,Children,"Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. ""There's a car being towed from the parking lot,"" he said. ""An ambulance just drove by."" A few moments passed. ""Looks like the Anderson's have company,"" he called out. ""Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."" Mom and dad shot up in bed. ""How do you know that?"" the startled father asked. ""Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,"" his son replied."
-Write a joke for this category,Children,"A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students.The teacher asked, ""Harry what is your problem?"" Harry answered, ""I'm toosmart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarterthan she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!""Ms Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harrywaited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what thesituation was.The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failedto answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade andbehave.She agreed.Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreedto take the test.Principal: ""What is 3 x 3?""Harry: ""9"".Principal: ""What is 6 x 6?""Harry: ""36"".And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-gradeshould know.The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, ""I think Harry can go tothe third-grade.""Ms Brooks says to the principal, ""Let me ask him some questions?"" Theprincipal and Harry both agree.Ms Brooks asks, ""What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?""Harry, after a moment ""Legs.""Ms Brooks: ""What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?""Harry: ""Pockets.""Ms Brooks: ""What does a dog do that a man steps into?""Harry: ""Pants""Ms Brooks: What's a start with a C and ends with a T is hairy, oval, anddelicious and contains thin whitish liquid?Harry: CoconutMs Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,Harry was taking charge.Harry: BubblegumMs Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and adog do on three legs?The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.Harry: Shake handsMs Brooks: Now I will ask some ""Who am I"" sort of questions, okay?Harry: Yep.Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. Iget wet before you do.Harry: TentMs Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. Thebest man always has me first.The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.Harry: Wedding RingMs Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blowme, you feel good.Harry: NoseMs Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.Harry: ArrowMs Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot ofheat and excitement?Harry: Fire truckThe principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, ""Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."""
-Write a joke for this category,Science,"A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released. The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first. ""Tell me,"" said he, ""if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?' The inmate said, ""It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful."" ""Marvelous,"" said the head of the institution. ""Or else,"" ruminated the inmate. ""I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists."" ""Absolutely,"" said the head. ""Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution."" ""An interesting possibility,"" said the head. ""And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle.quot;"
-Write a joke for this category,Children,"The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship. Little Mary led off: ""I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30,"" she said proudly, ""My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."" ""Very good,"" said the teacher. Little Sally was next: ""I sold magazines,"" she said, ""I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events."" ""Very good, Sally,"" said the teacher. Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.""$2,467,"" he said. ""$2,467!"" cried the teacher, ""What in the world were you selling?"" ""Tooth brushes,"" said Little Johnny. ""Tooth brushes,"" echoed the teacher, ""How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"" ""I found the busiest corner in town,"" said Little Johnny, ""I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing. Hey, this tastes like dog crap! Then I would say.............."" It is dog crap."" Wanna buy a toothbrush?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Children,"A husband and wife decided they needed to use ""code"" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.  One day the husband told his five year old daughter, ""Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter"".  The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, ""Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter."" The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.  A few days later the mom told the daughter, ""Tell daddy that he can type that letter now.""  The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, ""Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."""
-Write a joke for this category,Children,"A little boy goes to the local mall to see Santa.  When Santa askes the little boy what he wants for Christmas, the little boy replies, ""I don't know"".  So Santa starts thinking of things that the little boy might like and spells it out.  Each time he says a letter, he pushes the boys nose.  B-I-K-E.  C-A-T.Etc.  Santa runs out of ideas and asks the little boy one more time what he wants for Christmas.  The little boy says, ""I want some P-U-S-S-Y, and I know you have some because I can smell it on your fingers."
-Write a joke for this category,Women,"An old woman is going up in a lift in a very Iavish department store when a young, beautiful woman gets in, smelling of expensive scent. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly: 'Romance by Ralph Lauren, £100 a bottle.' Then another young woman gets in the lift, She also turns to the old woman and sayssnootily: chanel No 5, £150 a bottle.' A few floors later, the old woman has reached her destination. As she gets out, she looks both woman in the eye, then turns round, bends over and farts, saying: 'broccoli, 25p a pound.'"
-Write a joke for this category,Women,"A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip and told his wife that he had lost their entire fortune and that they'd have to drastically alter their life-style.""If you'll just learn to cook,"" he said, ""we can fire the chef.""""Okay,"" she said. ""And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener."""
-Write a joke for this category,Women,"Recently a ""Husband Super Store"" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands... First floor The door had a sign saying, ""These men have jobs and love kids."" The women read the sign and said, ""Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?"" So up they went. Second floor The sign read, ""These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking."" ""Hmmm,"" said the ladies, ""But, I wonder what's further up?"" Third floor This sign read, ""These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."" ""Wow,"" said the women, ""Very tempting."" But there was another floor, so further up they went. Fourth floor This door had a sign saying ""These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."" ""Oh, mercy me,"" they cried, ""Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went. Fifth floor The sign on that door said, ""This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left."""
-Write a joke for this category,Women,"A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, ""Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"" The husband just looked at his wife and said, ""What do I look like, Mr.Plumber?   A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, ""Honey, the car won't start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"" ""What do I look like, Mr.Goodwrench?"" was his response. Another couple of weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he's walking through the door. ""Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"" He just looked at her and said ""What do I look like, Bob Vila?"" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV. One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either. His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, ""Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks, and the car's running?"" She replied nonchalantly, ""Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything."" ""Wow, did he charge us anything?"" asked the husband. ""No, he just said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him"" she said. ""Cool. What kind of cake did you make?"" asked the husband. ""Cake? What the hell do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?"
-Write a joke for this category,Women,"There are two nuns. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most.What can we do?SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.SM: It's not workingSL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too.SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical.Then Sister Logical arrives...SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.SM: And?SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.SM: What did you do?SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.SM: Oh, no! What happened then?SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down........(And those of you who thought it would be a dirty ending, Pray for forgiveness you heathens!)"
-Write a joke for this category,Women,"Three old ladies are sitting in the park on a beautiful spring day feeding the pigeons and the squirrels, when suddenly, a man in a long trench coat jumps in front of them and throws open his coat. He's completely naked under his jacket. The three old ladies haven't seen such a thing in a very long time, and their blood pressure shoots up quickly. The first old lady lets out a gasp and has a stroke. The second old lady sees this and it's too much for her   ” she gasps and has a stroke, too. The third old lady didn't have a stroke   ” she was sitting too far away and couldn't reach."
-Write a joke for this category,Sports,"Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, ""Vietnam, 1969."" The other points his thumb behind him and says, ""Dog crap, 20 feet back."""
-Write a joke for this category,Women,"The father of 17 kids goes to the doc's with a rash on his belly. ""All right"" says the Doc, ""drop 'em and let's have a look."" Having been confronted with the evidence the Doc exclaims ""Yes, you've got a bad rash there, but my word, what brown balls you've got. They're truly remarkable!"".The patient is a bit embarrassed and says ""Look Doc, what about the rash?""""Oh that's easy,"" said the Doc, ""Here's some cream to rub on. By the way, those brown balls are amazing, my I ask.....""""No,"" said the patient, ""You can't. Now, is that all Doc?""""Well, "" said the Doctor, "" You could stop the rash coming back with a bit better hygiene. Tell your wife you need clean underpants every day. And those really are the brownest balls I've ever seen!""The guy goes home and tells his wife that the Doctor says he needs clean underpants every day.""What?"" she yells, ""Clean underpants every day, and me with 17 kids to chase after! Seventeen kids to wash, feed, clothe, get to school, tidy after, and you want clean underpants every day? You must be bloody joking, I haven't even got time to wipe my arse!""""Ah"" he said, ""And that's another thing I wanted to talk to you about..."""
-Write a joke for this category,Women,"A husband and wife went to dinner and celebrated their fiftieth wedding anniversary. Afterwards they returned home and went to their patio to relax with a glass of wine and to reflect on their fifty years together.After a while the husband said to his wife: Honey in all the years together, was there ever a time when you were unfaithful to me?The wife thinks for a bit and then says: Oh yes there was one time early in our marriage. Remember when you had lost your job and the bank was going to foreclose on the house. I made a trip to town, saw the banker and we got the loan extended until you returned to work. The husband thinks for a bit and says: Wow honey, you saved our home; I guess I can  't really hold it against you for being unfaithful that one time. Was there ever another time?The wife thinks for a bit and then says: Oh yes there was one other time. Remember when you had gotten sick and needed an operation or you would die, but we didn  't have any insurance. I made a trip to town, saw the doctor and you got the operation..The husband thinks for a bit and says: Wow honey, you saved my life; I guess I can  't really hold it against you for being unfaithful that time either. Was there another time?The wife thinks for a bit and then says: Well there was just one other time. Remember when you were running for club president and you only needed 58 more votes         .."
-Write a joke for this category,Women,"A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy.The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby.He went to his wife and said, ""I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered.""When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded, ""Have you been fooling around on me?""His wife confessed, ""Not this time."""
-Write a joke for this category,Women,"The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists: two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.  ""We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."" The first man said, ""You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."" The agent replies, ""Then you're not the right man for this job.""  The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. ""I tried, but I can't kill my wife.""  The agent replies, ""You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.""  Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, ""You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."""
-Write a joke for this category,Women,"A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the husband came back from fishing after getting up really early that morning and took a nap. While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside the woman's boat and asks her what she's doing? She says, ""Reading my book."" The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area and she explains that she's not fishing. To which he replied, ""But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and write you up!"" Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady told the warden, ""If you do that, I will charge you with rape."" The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, ""But I didn't even touch you."" To which the lady replied, ""Yeah, but you have all the equipment!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Women,"Women's Bumper-Stickers -----------------------  SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.   GOD MADE US SISTERS; PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.   IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING.   MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.   PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES, SEEKS FROG.   COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN...SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.   DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN.   IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.   DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF.   I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN-AND I HAVE A GUN.   GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO, BUT LIKE...WHO CARES?   NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES.   WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.   OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.   YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP.   ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.   I'M ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE.   HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?   SORRY IF I LOOKED INTERESTED.  I'M NOT.   IF WE ARE WHAT WE EAT, I'M FAST, CHEAP AND EASY.   DON'T UPSET ME!  I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES."
-Write a joke for this category,Women,"Once a woman was in labor; she was having a really tough time dealing with the pain. The doctor came to her husband and her and told them of a new experimental drug that allows the woman to transfer 25% of the pain to the father. The husband feels really bad for his wife so he decides they will try it.The wife takes the pill and a few minutes later the husband says, ""I don't feel a thing. You women are babies. Take another pill I can handle this."" So the wife takes another pill. Same thing happens. Her husband tells her to take another pill. Same thing. By now she has transferred 75% of her pain to her husband. She is feeling a little pain but her husband is still feeling nothing. He is convinced that women are complete wuses. He tells her, ""Take another pill. This isn't hurting me at all. Let me take all the pain away."" So she does. Now they are both feeling great.A few hours later, the wife gives birth to a beautiful baby boy. The next day they take their newborn son home, and there they find the mailman dead on the doorstep."
-Write a joke for this category,Women,"""The car won't start,"" aid a wife to her husband. ""I think there's water in the carburettor.""""How do you know?"" said the husband scornfully. ""You don't even know what the carburettor is.""""I'm telling you,"" repeated the wife, ""I'm sure there's water in the carburettor.""""We'll see,"" mocked the husband. ""Let me check it out. Where's the car?""""In the swimming pool."""
-Write a joke for this category,Women,"Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, ""This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.The driver, obviously confused, says to him, ""Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?""""Ma'am,"" the officer replies, ""You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.""""Slower than the speed limit?"" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!"" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that ""22"" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.""But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time."" the officer asks.""Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."""
-Write a joke for this category,Women,"This guy had a very attractive wife, who was always wanting clothes, jewelry, etc., but he was not too well off. One day his wife came home with a diamond neckless. The guy asked: ""Where did you get that?"" His wife replied: ""I won it at bingo."" The next night she came home with a mink coat. The guy asked: ""Where did you get that?"" His wife replied: ""I won it at bingo."" The next night she came home with a Mercedes Benz. The guy asked: ""Where did you get that?"" His wife replied: ""I won it at bingo. Please go upstairs and run my bath for me."" His wife came upstairs to find a very small amount of water in the tub. The wife asked: ""How come you put so little water in the tub?"" The guy replied: ""I didn't want you to wet your bingo card""."
-Write a joke for this category,Women,"A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.""You aren't so good in bed either!"" he shouted and stormed off to work.By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.""What took you so long to answer?""""I was in bed.""""What were you doing in bed this late?""""Getting a second opinion."""
-Write a joke for this category,Women,"On the fourth day of their honeymoon, the 21 year old bride was begging for mercy from her 75 year old husband. Rather than endure yet another lovemaking session, she slipped out of the room while he was showering and went to the hotel coffee shop. The waitress, who had served the couple breakfast each day, was shocked at the woman's appearance. ""Honey, you're just a young thing,"" she remarked, ""but you look like hell. What's up?""""I've been double-crossed,"" the miserable bride moaned. ""When he said he'd been saving up for 50 years, I thought he meant CASH!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Women,"Father O'Grady was saying his goodbyes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does whenMary Clancey came up to him in tears.""What's bothering you so, dear?"" inquired Farther O'Grady.""Oh, father, I've got terrible news."" Replied Mary.""Well what is it, Mary?""""Well, my husband, passed away last night, Father.""""Oh, Mary"" said the father, ""that's terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?""""Well, yes he did father,"" replied Mary.""What did he ask, Mary?""Mary replied, ""He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun...'"""
-Write a joke for this category,Women,"Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails.   Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee.   They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something.   The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her  panties, use them, then throw them away.   Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was  lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that.   After finishing, they then made off for home.   The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, ""These girls night out have got to stop.  My wife came home last night without her panties.""   ""That's nothing, said the other husband, ""Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, ""From All of Us At the Fire Station, We'll Never Forget You."""
-Write a joke for this category,Women,"A policeman sent his wife and child to a sea resort for a vacation. After a week he joins them in the hotel. Since he's been away from his wife for a week, he wants to make love with her. ""No darling, we can't do it here"" she says, ""our kid is watching us."" ""You're right"" he says, ""let's go to the beach."" After a while, they start to make love on an empty beach. All of a sudden, a policeman appears. ""Put your clothes on immediately, shame on you, you can't do that in public!"" ""You're right"", said the husband, ""but it was a moment of weakness. We didn't see each other for a week. By the way, I'm a policeman too and it would be very embarrassing if you were to fine me."" ""Don't worry, you're a colleague and it's your first time. But this is the third time I caught her making love on this beach in the last week and she'll have to pay for it!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Women,"Three young women in there thirties are on a road trip and are tearing down the freeway. unfortunatley, they lose control, the car flips over the guard rail on to the opposite lanes and gets smashed by an eighteen wheeler. Up at the pearly gates, all three of them are greeted by St. Peter. He tells them. ""All of you led very good lives down on earth, so all of you will be asmitted into paradise. The only rule: DON""T STEP ON THE DUCKS.""confused, they all ask ""um...what?""St. Peter says ""if you step on one duck, it quacks. if a duck quacks, other ducks will start quacking, and...well...you'll see.""With that, the gates opened and the three waltzed inside. And, sure enough, All of heaven is covered with ducks. there is almost no room to walk with the millions of ducks.a day of careful stepping later, the first woman steps on a duck. seconds later, every single duck in heaven is quacking. it's so loud the women aren't suprised if earth could hear it. hours later, when the  quacking ceased, an angel appears with a ver ugly man and chains him to the lady and tells her this is her eternal punishment for the duck-stepping. Not wanting the same fate, the other two women become very cautious for the next week, but sure enough, the second lady steps on a duck.she gets the same punishment as the first lady.The third lady becomes so careful that, a year-and-a-half later, she is still duck-free. then, an angel appears next to her with a very handsome man and chains him to her. Thinking that this must be a reward for her good-doing she asks the man gleefully ""What did I do to deserve this?""And the man replies with a grimace, ""I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."""
-Write a joke for this category,Women,"Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way  up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun  when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. ""Excuse me, miss,"" said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out  of breath from running up the stairs. ""The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a  bathing suit as you did yesterday."" ""What difference does it make?"" Joan asked rather calmly. ""No one can see  me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."" ""Not exactly,"" said the embarrassed man. ""You're lying on the dining room skylight."""
-Write a joke for this category,Women,"After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.  For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. ""We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. ""Kill her!!!"". The man said, ""You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."" The agent said, ""Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.""  The second man was given the e same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. ""I tried, but I can't kill my wife."" The agent said, ""You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.""  Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.  She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.  After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.  ""This gun is loaded with blanks,"" she said. ""I had to beat him to death with the chair.""  Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them."
-Write a joke for this category,Women,"Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, ""What is wrong with you?""Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.God said that he was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.He said, ""This person will gather food for you, cook for you, when you discover clothing, she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.""Adam asked God, ""What will a woman like this cost?""God replied, ""An arm and a leg.""Then Adam asked, ""What can I get for a rib?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Women,"There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy.The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he has ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child. ""Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!"" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, ""Have you been fooling around on me?""The wife just smiled sweetly and said, ""Not this time."""
-Write a joke for this category,Women,"A middle aged woman has a heart attack. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. She sees God, and asks if this is it. God says no, that she has another 30-40 years to live. She recovers, and decides to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, tummy tuck, hair dyed, etc. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and immediately gets hit by an ambulance. She arrives in front of God and asks, ""I thought you said I had another 30 or 40 years?"" To which God replies, ""To tell you the truth, I didn't recognize you."""
-Write a joke for this category,Women,"A blonde suspected that her boyfriend was cheating on her, so she bought a gun. She went to his apartment that same day, with the pistol in hand. Sure enough, when she opened the door, she found her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. Overcome with grief, she put the gun to the side of her head. Her boyfriend screamed, “Honey, don’t do it...” The blonde yelled back, “Shut up! You’re next!”"
-Write a joke for this category,Women,"A husband and wife were having an argument. Suddenly the husband picked up a bottle lying near him and threw it at his wife. The bottle missed the wife and got into the neighbours' house breaking the window glass. Now both the husband and wife got embarassed and went to apologise to the neighbour. Upon reaching the house, they found out a young man sitting on a couch with a smile on his face. Before the couple could say anything, the man said, ""I am a genie. I was enclosed in that bottle for many years, but you two have set me free, so ask for any three boons you want to and it shall be fulfilled. But against your three boons you will have to fulfill one wish of mine"". The couple were so happy that they didn't think twice and presented their wishes.""I want millions of dollars in my account"", The husband said. ""Done"", said the genie.""I want diamond jewelleries in all my vaults"". ""Done"", said the genie.""I want bunglows all over the world"", said the husband.""Done"", said the geniee.Now it was the time of the genies wish. ""So"" the genie said, ""I have fulfilled all the three wishes you have said, and its time for my wish. I have not slept with a women for long. I wish to have sex with your wife. The couple got worried, but the husband explained that it was only a genie and it didn't matter much to him. Besides the genie has given them a lot of things. So the wife consented. The geniee and the wife had a lovely night together. Finally in the morning the genie said, ""it was wonderful but how old is your husband?""""Why, he is just thirty five""""My god "", said the geniee, ""even at thirty five he still believes in geniees""."
-Write a joke for this category,Women,"A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept  for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and  breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only  finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses  her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.  While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, ""Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at  his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist,  don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give  him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he  gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey.  I love  you."" To which the wife responds, ""He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He  told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked  if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong,  honey, I love you, too."""
-Write a joke for this category,Aviation,"On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. Theturbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing isstruck by lightning.One woman in particular loses it. Screaming,she stands up in the frontof the plane. ""I'm too young to die!"" she wails.Then she yells, ""Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes onearth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like awoman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make mefeel like a WOMAN??""For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril,and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of theplane.Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. ""I can make you feellike a woman,"" he says.He's gorgeous! Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes,he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one buttonat a time.No one moves.The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange manapproaches.He removes his shirt.Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the armholding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: ""Iron this."""
-Write a joke for this category,Women,"A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.  After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, ""Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.  ""Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.  ""Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.  ""If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.""  On the way home, the husband asked his wife, ""What did the doctor say?""  ""He said you're going to die,"" she replied."
-Write a joke for this category,Women,"A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement. He was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife, ""Mother of Six,"" in spite of her objections.One night they went to a party. The man decided that it was time to go home, and wanted to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouted at the top of his voice, ""Shall we go home, Mother of Six?""His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouted back, ""Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Women,"A man and a woman were waiting in line at the hospital donation center. Man: ""What are you doing here today?"" Woman: ""Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."" Man: ""Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."" The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the same line. Man: ""Hi there! Here to donate blood again?"" Woman: (shaking her head with mouth closed) ""Unh unh."""
-Write a joke for this category,Women,"A woman gets home, schreeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, ""Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"" The husband says, ""Ohmigod! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"" The wife yells back, ""I couldn't care less... just get the hell out!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Women,"A local bank is very pleased to announce that they are installingnew Drive-thru ATMs where their customers  will be able withdraw cash withoutleaving their  vehicle. Male and Female procedures have beentailored to best reflect the behaviours of those particular  groupings.PROCEDURE FOR MALE CUSTOMERS:1.  Drive  up to the ATM2. Open the car window3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN4. Enter amount of cash required and press ""enter""5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt6. Close  window7. Drive awayPROCEDURE FOR FEMALE CUSTOMERS:1. Drive  up to the ATM2. Reverse back the required distance to align car with ATM3. Re-start stalled engine4. Open the car window5.  Find handbag, empty all contents onto the passenger seat and locate card6. Turn radio down  & end call on cell phone7. Attempt to insert card  into ATM8. Open car door to allow easier access to  ATM due to excessive distance from car to ATM9.  Insert card10. Re-insert  card the right way up11. Ignore the sound of car horn from vehicle behind12. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate diary with PIN written on the inside back page under ""Date of Birth""13.  Enter PIN14. Press ""cancel"" and re-enter PIN15. Enter amount of cash required and check make-up in  rear view mirror16. Drum fingertips on steering  wheel, look at ATM for one minute andthen press ""enter""17. Retrieve cash and receipt18. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate purse and place cash inside19.  Place  receipt in back of cheque book20.  Re-check  make-up21. Drive forward two  metres22. Reverse back to ATM ignoring the sound of car horn from vehicle behind23. Retrieve  card24. Search contents of handbag (on passenger  seat) to  locate card holderand place card in an empty slot25. Drive two or three kilometres Release hand brake"
-Write a joke for this category,Women,"A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiplebruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his neck.Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.  ""Well,"" the man says, ""it's like this; I was playing a quiet round ofgolf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our ballsinto a pasture of cows.  We went to look for them, and while I wasrooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white on itsrear end.  I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, therewas a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it--stuck right in the middleof the cow's butt.  That's when I made my big mistake.""  ""What did you do?""  the doctor asks.  ""Well."" the man replies, ""I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife,'Hey, this looks like yours!'  I don't remember much after that."""
-Write a joke for this category,Women,Politically Correct Woman:She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT. She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE. She is not HALF NAKED - She is WARDROBE IMPAIRED. She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED. She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION. She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT. She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE. She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT. She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE. She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED. She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY. She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is GRAVITY RESISTANT. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE She does not have THIN LIPS - She is COLLAGEN DEPENDENT
-Write a joke for this category,Women,"A beautiful blonde woman is having trouble growing tomatoes... seems she can't get them to turn red.   She knows it is not the weather or the soil as the man next door  has a garden full of big red tomatoes. She asks him about his secret...""twice a day"" he says ""I stand  naked in front of the tomatoes, they blush and turn bright red."" This sounds foolish, but what the heck, so she spends the next  few days standing nude in her garden.  A week goes by and she runs into her neighbor and he asks...   ""have your tomatoes turned red?""   ""Not really"" she says...""but the strangest thing has happened... the cucumbers have swollen up and are standing on end."""
-Write a joke for this category,Women,"This elderly lady went to the doctor for a checkup. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, ""Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive.""  The doctor smiled and said, ""Have you tried to give him Viagra?""  The lady frowned. ""Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,"" she claimed.  ""Well,"" the doctor continued, ""let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing.""  The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.  Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.  ""How did it go?"" the doctor asked.  ""Terribly, doctor, terribly.""  ""Did it not work?""  ""Yes,"" the old lady said, ""It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years.""  ""Then what is the problem, ma'am?""  ""Well,"" she said. ""I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."""
-Write a joke for this category,Sex,"A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.  They are both quite startled.  The man turns to her and says, ""Ma'm, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.""  She replies, ""if your member is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."""
-Write a joke for this category,Women,"Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?A: Single women come home, see whats in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see whats in bed and go to the fridge."
-Write a joke for this category,Women,"A Lady walks into a Mercedes dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, there standing next to her is Andre a salesman. ""Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?""  Very uncomfortably she asks, ""Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?""  He answers, ""Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you are going to wet yourself when you hear the price."""
-Write a joke for this category,Women,"10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo playing geek in 'Deliverance') 9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to do my dad.) 8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.) 7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.) 6. I've got a boyfriend. (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.) 5. I don't date men where I work. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.) 4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.) 3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.) 2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.) 1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and lay. It's the male perspective thing.)"
-Write a joke for this category,One Liners,"1.I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day. 2.Warning : I have an attitude and I know how to use it.  3.Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.  4.Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?  5.I'm a multi-tasker : I can talk and tick you off at the same time.  6.Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.  7.You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.  8.Don't tick me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.  9.Guys have feelings too. But, like . . . who cares?  10.I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.  11.Next mood swing : 6 minutes and counting.  12.I hate everybody, and you're next.  13.Please don't make me kill you.  14.And your point is . . .  15.I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.  16.All stressed out and no one to choke.  17.I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.  18.How can I miss you if you won't go away?  19.They aren't hot flashes, they're power surges!  20.Of course I don't look busy . . . I did it right the first time."
-Write a joke for this category,Women,"A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly she got in her divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up on the shore. Ten-fold she rubs the lamp and out pops a magical genie. The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation the genie informs her that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes. The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting on a pile on one billion one-dollar bills. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars. The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private bach. In an instant it was granted, but then genie then reminds her again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points out at the beach to a small development of ten such mansions. Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the women informs the genie that she wants to make her last wish. But, before she can do this, the genie warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for. “No problem,” said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. “For my last wish, I’d like to give birth to twins.”"
-Write a joke for this category,Women,"A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note : romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstorm and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the note : ""I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my Love"" ""PS The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."""
-Write a joke for this category,Women,"One day a little boy went up to his father to get some help on his vocabulary homework. He had a hard time figuring out what theoritically and realistically meant. He went to his father and asked, ""dad, what does theoritically and realistically mean?""    His father said, ""well son, if you want to know, then this is how you'll find out...go up to your mom and ask her if she would sleep with a complete stranger for $500,000.""     The boy looked puzzled and said, ""but what does this have to do with it?"" ""don't worry about it, just go do it."" his fahter said. So the boy ran upstairs and came running back down 2 minutes later saying ""Dad, Mom said she would do it.""     His Father said, ""good, now go ask your sister the same question you asked your mother now."" The boy became confused again. but...but, ""Trust me son, just go ask her and come back."" So the boy ran into his sisters bedroom and came back out to his father in a matter of a few seconds. ""Dad, sissy said she would do too, but what does this have to do with what theoritically and realistically mean?""   His dad replied, ""well son, theoritically I have 1,000,000 dollars and realistically we have two whores living in the house."
-Write a joke for this category,Crazy Jokes,"A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. ""Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."" ""What's the problem?"" the docotor inquired. ""Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."" ""My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."" The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. ""Did my advice not work?"" asked the doctor. ""It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."" ""So, what's your problem?"" ""I don't have a problem,"" the man replied. ""My wife does."""
-Write a joke for this category,Women,"A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it comes back there are still stains in her panties. The next week she enclosesa note to the Chinaman that says,""Use more soap on panties.""This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to thelaundry.Finally fed up the Chinaman responded with his own note that said,""Use more paper on ass."""
-Write a joke for this category,Women,"One day, this lady is golfing, and she hits her ball in the woods. she goes to look for it, and intead finds a frog in a trap. Hey, it says. Let me go and I'll grant you 3 wishes. Ok, she says. So she frees it, and it says, Sorry, forgot to tell you. whatever you get, your husband gets ten times the amount of whatever it is you wish for. Ok, fine. So, the frog asks, what's your first wish? I want to be the most beautiful women in the world. Fine, it says. Suddenly, she's gorgeous. You are the most beatiful woman. But now your husband is ten times more handsom than you. Thats ok, she say. He only has eyes for me. Whats your second wish? it asks her. I want to be the richest woman in the world. The frog then says, ok, but now your husband is ten times richer. Thats ok she says. Whats his is mine, whats mine is his. OK, the frog says. that is your last wish. what is it gonna be? I want a mild heart attack."
-Write a joke for this category,Women,"A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite sometime. She was afraid she might have something wrong withher, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well known Chinese sex therapist. So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, ""OK, take off all you crose."" The woman did as she was told. ""Now, get down and craw reery reery fass to odder side of room."" Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, ""OK, now craw reery reery fass back to me."" So she did. Dr.Chang slowly shook his head and said, ""Your probrem vewy bad - you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see, dat why you not haf sex or dates."" Terrified., the woman asked, ""Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease? Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied, ""Ed Zachary disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."""
-Write a joke for this category,Women,"What's the difference between female at the ages of 8, 18, 28, 38, 48 and 58? 08 - You take her to bed and tell her a story. 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed. 28 - You don't need to tell her any story and take her to bed. 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed. 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed. 58 - You stay in bed all day to avoid her story."
-Write a joke for this category,Women,"Mr. Smith went to the Doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.The receptionist says, ""I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."" Mr. Smith says, ""What do you mean?"" The receptionist replies, ""Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS. We cannot tell which is your wife."" Mr Smith exclaims, ""That's terrible! What am I supposed to do now?"" The receptionist calmly replies, ""The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town and if she finds her way home, don't go to bed with her."""
-Write a joke for this category,Women,"Little Leroy went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decidedthat he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, ""WellLeroy, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buyyou anything you want. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray forone instead."" After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. Hefinally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.Dear Jesus,I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle.Your Friend,LeroyNow, Leroy knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (brat), so heripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.Dear Jesus,I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle.Your Truly,LeroyWell, Leroy knew this wasn't totally honest, so he tore it up and triedagain.Dear Jesus,I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle?LeroyWell, Leroy looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what hismother really wanted. He knew he had been terrible and was deserving ofalmost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can andwent running outside. He aimlessly wandered about depressed because of theway he treated his parents and really considered his actions. He finallyfound himself in front of a Catholic Church. Leroy went inside and kneltdown, looking around not knowing what he should really do. Leroy finally gotup and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All ofa sudden he grabbed a small one and ran out the door. He went home, hid itunder his bed and wrote this letter.Jesus,I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike!Sincerely,You know who"
-Write a joke for this category,Women,"A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every day. One day, when he came to, he motioned her to come nearer. He whispered, eyes full of tears: ""You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When our house burnt down, you were there. When my health started failing, you were by my side. You know what?""""What dear?"", she gently asked.""I think you are bad luck"", he said."
-Write a joke for this category,Political,"An african ambassador visited Russia and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer. On the last day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, ""As your stay is coming to an end, it's time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."" This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers. Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief. The African ambassador was impressed with the couragous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year. When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, ""Now, time for you to sample our game, African roulette"". He then led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six stunning and naked women. The African ambassador said, ""These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a oral sex - take your pick"". The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, ""Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"" With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered: ""One of them's a cannibal."""
-Write a joke for this category,Women,"A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.   ""Well, it was like this"", said the man. ""I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.""   ""We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball.......... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake...""   ""What did you do?"", asks the doctor.   ""Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!""."
-Write a joke for this category,Women,"A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. ""I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want,"" he insisted.  ""And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules,"" he said. ""Any comments?""  His new bride replied, ""No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."""
-Write a joke for this category,Women,"Seventy-three year old Gus had worked in the garment center all his life, never finding the time to get married. But one day a beautiful seventeen-year-old girl walked into the store and it was love at first sight. Within a month Gus and Rachel were married and on the way to Florida for their honeymoon. ""So how was it?"" asked Gus' friends, on the couple's return. ""Oh, just beautiful,"" replied a starry-eyed Gus. ""The sun, the surf... and we made love almost every night, we--"" ""Just a minute,"" interrupted Gus' Friend. ""At your age, forgive me for asking, you made love almost every night?"" ""Oh yes,"" said Gus, ""we almost made love Saturday, we almost made love Sunday . . ."""
-Write a joke for this category,Women,"A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file. The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, ""I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?""  The woman replied, ""Well, that first hearse is for my husband.""  ""What happened to him?""  The woman replied, ""My dog attacked and killed him.""  She inquired further, ""Well, who is in the second hearse?""  The woman answered, ""My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.""  A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women. ""Can I borrow the dog?""  ""Get in line!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Religious,"Colonel Sanders walks up to the Pope one day and says, I'll give you $5,000 if you change the words in the bible 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken'"".The Pope replys, ""Sorry, I cannot change the words of the Bible"".   Sanders says, ""How about $7,000?"".  ""Sorry, I cannot"", The Pope replys. ""$8,000""?, Sanders tries again. The Pope thinks about it and says, ""Well, alright"". Later he goes to the cardinals and says, ""I have good news and bad news. The good is we're $8,000 richer.  The bad is that we lost our endorsement with Wonder Bread."""
-Write a joke for this category,Medical,"A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination. ""I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time,"" the doctor says. ""Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?"", the man asks.""10..."" says the doctor. ""10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!"" he asks desperately.""10...9...8...7..."""
-Write a joke for this category,Sex,"There were three couples that went to a church and asked to join. There was a newely wed couple, a middle-aged couple, and a older couple. The pastor told them that they had to go without sex for two weeks. Two weeks later they came back to that same church. The pastor asked the newely wed couple how it went. They replied ""It was hard the first week, but then we made it through."" He asked the older couple, and they replied ""we did not have sex at all for the two weeks."" He asked the middle-aged couple and the man said ""She dropped a paint can!"". The pastor said ""She dropped a paint can?. The man replied, ""She bent over with a paint can in her hand and I just had to get her right then and there!"".The pastor said, ""I'm sorry you cannot step foot into this church again!"" The man said, ""That's okay, we can't go into Home Depot either!!"""
-Write a joke for this category,School,"A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said £50.00. ""Why so little,"" she asked the pet store owner.The owner looked at her and said, ""Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.""The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, ""New house, new madam.""The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought ""that's not so bad.""When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, ""New house, new madam, new girls."" The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman's husband Alex, came home from work.The bird looked at him and said, ""Hi Alex""."
-Write a joke for this category,Office Jokes,"""Boss, I've got to have a raise,"" the salesman said to his sales manager. ""There are three other companies after me.""""Is that a fact?"" the manager asked. ""What other companies are after you?""""The electric company, the phone company, and the gas company."""
-Write a joke for this category,Military,"Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral and so the man said, ""Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce."" The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. ""That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest"", the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away. ""Wait sir"", the loan officer said, ""while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"" The man smiled. ""Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"
-Write a joke for this category,Love & Romance,"One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, ""Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, ""Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot.""  ""Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."" George was brokenhearted.  After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, ""Diane said yes! We're getting married in June."" Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. ""Diane is your half sister too, George."" ""I'm awfully sorry about this."" George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.  ""Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married,"" he complained. ""Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister.""  ""Hee hee,"" his mother chuckled, shaking her head, ""Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."""
-Write a joke for this category,Heaven and Hell,"A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw so he sees another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but he can't hear, so he does sign language. He points at his eye meaning ""I"", points at his knee meaning ""need"", and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion.The man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating.The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and says, ""What the hell is wrong with you dumbass? I said I need handsaw!!""The other guy says, ""I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm coming."""
-Write a joke for this category,Bar Jokes,"A pirate walks into a bar.  He has a peg leg, hook for a hand, and a patch over his eye.The bartender asks ""So, what happened to your leg?""The pirate says ""Aaar, I was fighting the British Navy and they blew up me ship, I fell over board, and a shark bit me leg off.""""Oh,"" said the bartender,""what happened to your hand?""The pirate replies, ""Aaar, I was fighting the British Navy again, and won came up and chopped me hand of with his sword.""The bartender then asked,""Well what happened to your eye?""The pirate answered, ""Aaar, I was walking down the beach and I looked up and there were some seagulls and one doodooed in me eye.""""And that caused your eye to be put out?,"" asked the bartender.To this the pirate said,""No, first day with me hook!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Love & Romance,"The Jones's were unable to conceive children, and elected to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, ""I'm off. The man should be here soon.""Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ""Good morning madam. I've come to...""""Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,"" Mrs. Jones cut in.""Really?"" the photographer asked. ""Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies.""""That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."" After a moment she asked, blushing, ""Well, where do we start?""""Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!""""Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me.""""Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.""""My, that's a lot of. . . "" gasped Mrs. Jones.""Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.""""Don't I know it,"" Mrs. Jones said quietly.The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ""This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London.""""Oh my God!!"" Mrs. Jones exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.""And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.""""She was difficult?"" asked Mrs. Jones.""Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.""""Four and five deep?"" asked Mrs. Jones, eyes widened in amazement.""Yes"", the photographer said. ""And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots.Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.""Mrs. Jones leaned forward. ""You mean they actually chewed on your ...equipment?""""That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.""""Tripod?""""Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long.""""Madam? Madam?... Good Lord, she's fainted!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Animals,"A pair of birds were sitting on a branch of a tree when they see a turtle run past them, jump off the branch and flap his arms as hard as he can. He falls to the ground. The poor turtle repeats this process numerous times, and then one bird says to the other ""dear, do you think we should tell him he's adopted?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Military,"A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. ""But officer."" the man began, ""I can explain,"". ""Just be quiet,"" snapped the officer. ""I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."" ""But officer, I just wanted to say...."" ""And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, ""Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."" ""Don't count on it,"" answered the fellow in the cell. ""I'm the groom."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped and hungry. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and realizes that they forgot to bring a bottle opener. Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back. Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food. So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steady. Twenty days pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting restless. ""I NEED FOOD!"" he says with a hint of dementia in his voice. ""NO!"" Joe retorts. ""We promised."" Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to the Burger King down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat. But then, right at that instant, Poncho pops out behind a rock. ""Just for that, I'm not going."""
-Write a joke for this category,Bar Jokes,"A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, ""How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"" To which he replied, ""That would be fine with me."" Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye."
-Write a joke for this category,Holidays,"So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be damned if you are going to take that day off!"
-Write a joke for this category,Marriage,"A man who was called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. ""Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper,"" the accountant replied.Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. ""Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.""Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.""Let me tell you a story,"" replied the Rabbi. ""A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.'But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a v-neck right down to your navel.""The man protested: ""What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?""The Rabbi replied, ""No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."""
-Write a joke for this category,Love & Romance,"One day an out of work mime was visiting the zoo, where he attempted to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he started to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabbed him and dragged him into his office. The zookeeper explained to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla named Sparky, had died suddenly and the keeper was worried that attendance at the zoo would fall off without him. The zookeeper offered the mime a job to dress up as Sparky until they could get a new gorilla. The mime accepted.The next morning, the mime put on a gorilla suit and entered the cage before the crowd arrived. He discovered that it was a great job! He could sleep all he wanted, play and make fun of people and he was drawing bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tired of him, and he was getting bored just swinging on tires. He began to notice that the people were paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbed to the top of his cage, crawled across a partition, and dangled from the top over the lion's cage. Of course, this made the lion furious, but the crowd loved it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper was thrilled, and even gave the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. This went on for some time, the mime kept taunting the lion, the crowds grew larger, and his salary kept going up. Then one terrible day when he was dangling over the furious lion, he lost his grip and fell. The mime was terrified. The lion gathered itself and prepared to pounce. The mime was so scared that he began to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. When no help came, and the crowd looked on in shock, the mime started screaming and yelling.Help, Help me!"" he screamed, but the lion was too quick and pounced. The mime found himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion, who was just inches away from his face when he whispered, ""Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"
-Write a joke for this category,Sex,"Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there. ""Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come.""""Great,"" says Sam, ""after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."" As Enoch is leaving he stops, ""Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'.""""Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em.""Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. ""More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too.""""Damn"", Sam thinks... ""Tough crowd."" ""Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again.""Once again Enoch turns from the door. ""I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too.""""Now that's not a problem"" says Sam, ""Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?""Enoch stops in the door again and says, ""Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"These two convicts were about to be executed. The Warden says to the first one ""Do you have a last request?""The convict says ""Yes. I'd like to hear A Christina Aguilera song one last time.""The Warden says ""OK, I think we can arrange that."" Then he says to the second convict ""How about you? Last request?""The second convict says ""Yeah. Kill me first."""
-Write a joke for this category,Religious,"Several centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked an elderly aged man named Moishe to represent them. Rabbi Moishe's Latin wasn't very good - in fact, he knew very little--but he was a man of great faith and well respected in the Jewish community. The pope agreed. What could be easier than a silent debate?  The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, ""I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay.""  An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: ""First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?""  Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. ""What happened?"" they asked. ""Well,"" said Moishe, ""First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."" ""And then?"" asked a woman. ""I don't know,"" said Moishe. ""He took out his lunch and I took out mine."""
-Write a joke for this category,Military,"As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, ""Anyone here know how to pray?"" One man stepped forward. ""Aye, Captain, I know how to pray."" ""Good,"" said the captain, ""you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."""
-Write a joke for this category,Military,"A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: ""Look, it's not the same hat"" ""Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"" ""Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and another. After a week the parrot said: ""OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Money,"During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, ""Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."" The bartender said, ""That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."" The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. ""Where did you get all that money?"" asked the bartender. ""I'm a professional gambler,"" replied the man. The bartender said, ""There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"" ""Well, I only bet on sure things,"" said the guy. ""Like what?"" asked the bartender. ""Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye,"" he said. The bartender thought about it. ""Okay,"" he said. So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. ""Aw, you screwed me,"" said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50. ""I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye,"" said the stranger. The bartender thought again and said, ""Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet."" So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye. ""Aw, you screwed me again!"" protested the bartender. ""That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars,"" said the man. With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, ""Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."" The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. ""Okay, you're on,"" he said. The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle. The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, ""Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"" The guy climbed down off the bar and said, ""That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"A man charged with assault and battery insisted at his trial that he had just pushed his victim ""a little bit"".  When he was pressured by the prosecutor to illustrate just how hard, the defendant approached the lawyer, slapped him in the face, grabbed him firmly by the lapels and flung him over the table.  He then faced judge and jury and calmly declared, ""I would say it was about one-tenth that hard."""
-Write a joke for this category,Bar Jokes,"A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress and figuring that the fellow was in need of some assistance, proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. But his attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, ""May I help you, my son?""""I dunno..."" came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. ""You got any toilet paper on your side?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Military,"Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, ""If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don't have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."" ""Now,"" he concluded, ""which group do YOU think they are going to send into battle first?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Sports,"Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal.  Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, ""Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this ""pretzel"" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!""  The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold! A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.  Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.  The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, ""How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"" The wrestler answered, ""Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face.  ""I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.  ""You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Love & Romance,"On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.  Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.     Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.  Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.     Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.     The friendship between the two animals was cemented:  Best Buddies, Best Pals.    A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life.  The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he could then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.      The moral of the story?  (Yes, there's a moral!)         ""When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Business,"These are actual warnings given on various products: 1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.  2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.  3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.  4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.  5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.  6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)  7. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles OPEN OTHER END.  8. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?  9. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.  10. On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.  11. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.  12. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box)- DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.  13. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.  14. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.  15. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY."
-Write a joke for this category,Marriage,"An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair. He spoke softly to her, ""Honey, can you hear me?"" There was no response. He moved a little closer and said again, ""Honey, can you hear me?"" Still, there was no response. Finally he moved right behind her and said, ""Honey, can you hear me?"" She replied, ""For the third time, Yes!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Marriage,"The IRS Visit  Joseph was called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), so he asked his accountant for advice on how to dress for the occasion. ""Wear your shabbiest clothing so that they think you're a pauper."" His accountant told him. Joseph decided to ask his lawyer as well. ""Wear your best clothing so they know you aren't intimidated."" The lawyer said. Completely confused, Joseph went to his priest and told him about the conflicting advice he had received, asking for his advice. ""Let me tell you a story."" The priest said. ""A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what she should wear on her wedding night and was told to wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that covered her all the way up to her neck. She also asked her best friend, who told her to wear a sexy negligee with a V neck down to her navel."" Joseph was confused. ""What does any of that have to do with my problem with the IRS?"" ""Simple."" replied the priest. ""It doesn't matter what you wear, you're still going to get the screwed."""
-Write a joke for this category,"Family, Parents","A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play. ""Wonderful. What part is it?"" The boy says, ""I play the part of the Jewish husband."" The mother scowls and says, ""Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."""
-Write a joke for this category,Money,"Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery:- Oops! - Has anyone seen my watch? - That was some party last night I        can't remember when I've been that   drunk.- Damn! Page 47 of the manual is   missing!- Well this book doesn't say that...    What edition is your manual?- OK, now take a picture from this   angle. This is truly a freak of   nature.- Better save that. We'll need it for   the autopsy.- Come back with that! Bad Dog!- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen,   then what's that?- Hand me that...uh...that   uh.....thingie- If I can just remember how they did   this on ER last week.- Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml   of this stuff before?- Damn, there go the lights again...- Ya know, there's big money in   kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two   of 'em.- Everybody stand back! I lost my   contact lens!- Could you stop that thing from   beating; it's throwing my   concentration off.- I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.- Well folks, this will be an   experiment for all of us.- Steril, shcmeril. The floor's clean,   right?- What do you mean he wasn't in for a   sex change!- What do you mean, he's not insured?- This patient has already had some   kids, am I correct?- Nurse, did this patient sign the   organ donation card?- Don't worry. I think it is sharp   enough.- What do you mean ""You want a divorce""!- I don't know what it is, but hurry up   and pack it in ice.- Let's hurry, I don't want to   miss ""Bay Watch""- That laughing gas stuff is pretty   cool. Can I have some more of that?- Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that   one, he's still moving.- Did the doctor know he would look   like that afterwards?- Of course I've performed this   operation before, Nurse!- FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!"
-Write a joke for this category,Love & Romance,"Mrs.O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father Rafferty. ""Hello,"" said the Father, ""and how is Mrs.O'Donovan? Didn't I marry you two years ago?"" She replied ""That you did Father."" The priest asked, ""And are there any little ones yet?"" ""No, not yet Father,"" said she. ""Well, now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for you."" ""Thank you, Father."" And away she went.A few years later they met again. ""Well, now, Mrs. O'Donovan,"" said the Father, ""how are you?"" ""Oh, very well,"" said she. ""And tell me,"" he said, ""have you any little ones yet?"" ""Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles -- ten in all."" ""Now isn't that wonderful,"" he said ""And how is your lovely husband?"" ""Oh,"" she said, ""he's gone to Rome. To blow out the damn candle!"
-Write a joke for this category,Bar Jokes,"After a Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says ""Hey Sen~or, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."" The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says ""I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."" The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says ""I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors."" He gets it. The guy from Guiness sits down and says ""Give me a Coke."" The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask ""Why aren't you drinking a Guiness?"" and the Guiness resident replies ""Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."""
-Write a joke for this category,Money,"A man with no arms walked in to a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him.""Look,"" said the customer, ""I have no arms - would you please hold the glass up to my mouth?""""Sure"", said the bartender, and he did.""Now,"" said the customer, ""I wonder if you'd be so kind as to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth.""""Certainly."" And it was done.""If you'd reach in my right hand pants pocket,"" said the armlessman, ""you'll find the money for the beer.""The bartender got it.""You've been very kind,"" said the customer. ""Just one thing more.Where is the men's room?""""Out the door,"" said the bartender, ""turn left, walk two blocks,and there's one in a filling station on the corner."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Two guys get busted for smoking dope, so they have to go into court on a Friday. They go to court and the judge says, ""If you can convince more than 5 people to stop doing drugs for the rest of their lives, you won't be sent to jail."" So the two men agree and the judge tells them to come back on Monday. So the two guys come back on Monday and the judge asks how they did. ''I got 17 people to get off drugs,'' says the first guy. ''Wow, how'd you do that?'' asks the judge. ''I used circles. I told them that this large circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs.'' ''Oh, that's nothing!"" said the second guy. ""I convinced 156 people to get off drugs.'' ''Wow. How'd you do that?'' asked the judge. ''Well, I used circles too. I told them this small circle is your butthole before prison...''"
-Write a joke for this category,Heaven and Hell,"There was a party that many rich people attended. The host had recently built a tank with many alligators, paranas, and many other things that could kill you. The host said that if anyone could swim across the tank, he would, to the best of his ability, grant them 3 wishes. Well, nobody was up to the challenge, so everyone just started having a good time and doing that ""party thing."" Suddenly, there was this big splash! The host looked and saw a man swimming to beat hell across the tank, and, look and behold, he made it! The host walked over to the man and said, ""Alright, you made it, WOW!. What are your 3 wishes?"" The man replied, ""First, you see that shotgun of yours? give me it, Two, see those bullets over there? give me them, 3, show me the bastard who pushed me in."""
-Write a joke for this category,Aviation,"Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an American  sat down in the aisle seat.  After takeoff, the American kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said,""I need to get up and  get a beer"". ""Don't get up,"" said the American, ""I'm in the aisle seat. I'll get it for you"". As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the American's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the beer, the other Arab said, ""That looks good, I'd really like one, too"". Again, the American obligingly went to fetch it.  While he was gone the other Arab picked up his other shoe and spat in it too. When the American returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the American slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. ""Why does it have to be this way?"" he asked. ""How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes...... pissing in beers?"""
-Write a joke for this category,School,"The girl was supposed to write a short story in as few words as possiblefor her college class and the instructions were that it had to discuss Religion, Sexuality and Mystery.She was the only one who receivedan A+ and this is what she wrote:Good God, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"
-Write a joke for this category,Love & Romance,"Shortly after Bill Gates was killed in a freak accident, he found himself being sized up by Saint Peter. ""Bill, this is a tough call. You've made great technological advancements with Microsoft, but you've also given us Windows 95. I think I'm going to let you choose between Heaven and Hell."" ""That sounds fair,"" Gates replied. ""May I have a look at hell first?"" And so first Saint Peter took him to Hell. ""This is hell? Wow, look at all those gorgeous women, the ones that laughed when I asked them out on dates in high school. And look at those mansions!"" exclaimed Bill. ""And see all those coders? They work 24 hours a day for free just because they really love you, Bill, and live only to please you."" ""Shazam, this is all virtual, isn't it, Saint Peter?"" ""Yep. With no bugs, Bill."" ""If this is hell, what can heaven be like?"" (Saint Peter makes sweeping gesture) ""Like this!"" ""People wearing robes and playing harps while they sit on clouds? What a boring cliche. I'll take Hell!"" replies, Gates. And so two weeks later, St Peter paid a little visit. ""Hey what the hell's going on? It's nearly 200 degrees and the air is terrible. There's no food or drink. Goblins jab me in the ribs constantly. I'm crawling with vermin and weak with disease. They play the Beastie Boys at all hours, for all eternity. There are NO COMPUTERS! Where are the women, the program slaves, the virtual wonders? Where is the splendid hell you promised me?"" cries Gates. ""Oh that, that was just a demo..."""
-Write a joke for this category,Bar Jokes,"A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. ""Where the hell  have you been all night?"" she demands.""At this fantastic new bar,"" he says. ""The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!"" The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone  book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the  place to check her husband's story.""Is this the Golden Saloon?"" she asks when the bartender answers the phone. ""Yes it is,"" bartender answers. ""Do you have huge golden doors?"" ""Sure do."" ""Do you have golden floors?"" ""Most certainly do."" ""What  about golden urinals?"" There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, ""Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!"""
-Write a joke for this category,School,"A girl has brought her fiance home for dinner. After dinner, the fiance  and the girl's father go into the study for a man to man talk.  ""So, what are you doing right now?"" asks the father.  ""I am a theology scholar,"" replies the fiance.  ""Do you have any plans of employment?""  ""I will study and God will provide.""  ""What about the children?"" asks the man.  ""God will provide.""  ""And your house and car?""  ""Again, God will provide,"" says the fiance.  After the talk, the girl's mother asks the father, ""So what did you two  talk about?""  The man replies, ""He has no plans of employment, but on the other hand,  he thinks I'm God."""
-Write a joke for this category,Farmers,"A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things - chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with. Finally, the uncle decided to give them a real treat. ""Why don't you grab a gun, take my prized hunting dogs, and go have some fun shooting?"" This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail. After a few hours, the nephew returned. ""How did you enjoy that?"" asked the uncle. ""It was great!"" exclaimed the nephew. ""Got any more dogs?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Heaven and Hell,"A man walks into the market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25-cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help. A middle-aged, fairly unremarkable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy (who is still standing, but just barely) the man carefully takes hold of the kid's testicles and squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the 25-cent piece, which the man catches in his free hand. Releasing the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him. The man looks embarrassed and brushes off the father's thanks. As the man is about to leave, the father asks one last question: ""I've never seen anybody do anything like that before -it was fantastic - what are you, a surgeon or something like that?"" ""Oh, good heavens, no"", the man replies, ""I work for the IRS."""
-Write a joke for this category,Money,"Q: Why did Kobe Bryant buy a dictionary?A: To figure out what part of ""no"" he doesn't understand. Q: Why is Kobe Bryant so confident that he'll rebound well after this scandal?A: Because he'll be the tallest player on the prison team. Q: Why is Kobe Bryant stacking money in his backyard?A: To practice jumping bail. Q: Why has Kobe Bryant started smoking a little pot?A: To help him prepare for the Big Joint. Q: Why does Kobe wear goggles during sex?A: To keep the mace out of his eyes. Q: What do Gigli and Kobe Bryant have in common?A: Both leave people in tears feeling screwed. Q: Who's the head lawyer on Kobe's legal team?A: The one with dirt on his knees. Q: Why is Kobe Bryant so worried about jury prejudice during his trial?A: Cuz no one likes a rapist. Q: How is Kobe Bryant spending his free time this summer?A: By adding a second bedroom to the dog house. Q: Why did Kobe add the letter ""O"" to his bracelet?A: So it would stand for: ""What Would O.J. Do?"". Q: Why did Kobe buy his wife such a huge diamond?A: Because the weight of it slows down her punches. Q: What did Shaq say when he heard of Kobe's marital infidelity?A: Kobe making a pass? She must be lying. Q: What did President Bush say when he heard that Sprite might drop Kobe?A: ""Who cares, I'm a coke man myself."""
-Write a joke for this category,Farmers,"A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says, ""Ok, old fellow, time to retire.""The old rooster says, ""You can't handle all these chickens . . look at what it did to me!""The young rooster replies, ""Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike.""The old rooster says, ""Aw, c'mon . . .just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you.""The young rooster says, ""Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!""The old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, ""I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race around the farmhouse with you. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop.""The young rooster says, ""You know I'm going to beat you, old man,so just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start.""They line up in back of the farm house, get a chicken to cluck ""Go!"" and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM!......he blows the young rooster to bits.He sadly shakes his head and says, ""Damnit, third gay rooster I bought this week!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Money,"One day, down in the mystical forest, a magical frog was hopping towards a water hole. The forest was so enormous that the frog had never laid eyes on another animal before. But today, by chance a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.  The frog called for the two to stop and said, ""Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant both of you three wishes. Bear, you can go first."" The bear thought for a moment, and being the male he was, said, ""I wish for all the bears in this forest, apart from me, to be female.""  For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.  It was the bear's second turn for a wish. ""Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well.""  The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and roared the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for such idiotic items, because after all, he could have asked for money and bought the bike.  For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, ""I wish that all the bears in the world, apart from me, were female.""  The rabbit grinned, roared the engine, and said, ""I wish that the bear was gay."""
-Write a joke for this category,Sports,"Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound. Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the centre of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green. The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one. Moses turned to Jesus and said, ""I hate playing with your Dad."""
-Write a joke for this category,Sex,"A young woman, who was at her father's funeral, asked her mother, ""Mom, how did Dad die?""  Her mom replied, ""Heart attack.""  ""What was he doing?"" the daughter asked.  Her mother said, ""Well, we were having sex."" This infuriated the daughter, because they were both 80 years old.  The daughter said, ""You guys are 80 years old!  You should have expected something like this!  You're way too old to be engaging in this sort of activity!""  The mom replied, ""Well, you see, years ago, we realized that at noon every day, the church bells rang.  So, we decided to work along to that nice, slow rhythm so that your father wouldn't have a heart attack.  It worked for years too. That poor guy... he'd still be alive today if that darned Ice Cream truck hadn't come along..."""
-Write a joke for this category,Heaven and Hell,"Arthur Davidson, inventor of the Harley Davidson motorcycle  corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter  told Arthur, ""since you've been such a good man and your  motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can  hang out with anyone you want in heaven."" Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ""I want to  hang out with God."" So Arthur asked God "" Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"" God said, ""ah, yes."" ""Well,"" said Arthur, ""professional to professional, you have some  major design flaws in your invention: 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion. 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds. 3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much. 4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust. 5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."" ""Hmmm, you may have some good points there,"" replied God,  ""hold on."" so God went to his celestial super computer, typed in  a few words, and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. ""Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,"" God tells Arthur, ""but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention  than yours""."
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"MacDonald was in poor health. He asked his friend MacDougal if he would pour a bottle of scotch over his grave if he should die one of these days. MacDougal said, ""Sure'n I'll be glad, laddie, but would you mind if I passed it through my kidneys first?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Money,"Three scots and three englishmen are traveling by train to a football match. At the station, the three englishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three scots buy only a single ticket. ""How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?"" asked one of the three Englanders. ""Watch and you'll see,"" answers one of the Scotsmen. They all board the train. The Englishmen take their respective seats but all three scotsmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, ""Ticket, please."" The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The English saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Englishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all. ""How are you going to travel without a ticket,"" asks one perplexed Englishman. ""Watch and you'll see,"" says one of the Scotsmen. When they board the train the three Scots cram into a toilet and the three Englishmen cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Scots leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Englishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, ""Ticket, please."""
-Write a joke for this category,Police Jokes,"An Englishman and a Scotsman are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed.In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on.At this point, the Scotsman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of sherry. He hands the bottle to the Englishman, whom exclaims,'' may the Scots and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The Englishman then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Scotsman, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Three men are traveling in the Amazon: a Canadian, an American, and a Mexican.They get captured by a fierce tribe of Amazons.The tribe leader tells them they will be whipped for entering their territory. The tribe chief says to the Candian, ""What do you want on your back for your whipping?""The Canadian responds, ""I will take oil!""So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him 10 times.When he is finished the Canadian has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.The Amazons haul the Canadian away, and say to the Mexican,""What do you want on your back?""""I will take nothing!, I will take my punishment like a real man!"" says the Mexican, and he boldly stands there and takes his 10 lashings without a single flinch.Finally, it's the Yank's turn and the tribal chief asks:""What will you take on your back?""And he responds - "" I'll take the Mexican! """
-Write a joke for this category,Love & Romance,"Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says ""Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."" Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, ""Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies ""In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."" Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, ""Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."" Again, Johnny instantly replies, ""Our allowance.. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."" By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, ""Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"" Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says ""Well, we've been lucky so far..."""
-Write a joke for this category,Marriage,"A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.  ""What was that for?"" he asked.  ""That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it,"" she replied.  ""Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,"" he explained.  ""Oh honey, I'm sorry,"" she said.  ""I should have known there was a good explanation.""  Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.  When he came to, he asked, ""What the hell was that for?""  She replied, ""Your horse called."""
-Write a joke for this category,Police Jokes,"A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog.  The fireman says ""Hey little girl. What are you doing?""  The little girl says ""I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!""  The fireman walks over to take a closer look. ""Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!"" the fireman says.  ""Thanks mister"" says the little girl.  The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles.  ""Little girl"", says the fireman, ""I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster.""  The little girl says, ""You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!'"
-Write a joke for this category,Love & Romance,"One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts. The next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla. Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, ""Help, Help me!"", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, ""Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Medical,"Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps and one of the aliens addressed it. ""Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."" The gas pumps of course didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. Again there was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pumps haughty attitude, drew his ray gun and said impatiently, ""Greetings earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader or I'll fire!"" The other alien shouted to his comrade, ""No, you don't want to make him mad!"" But before he finished his warning the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap rather abruptly. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, ""What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?""  The other alien answered, ""If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, when a guy has a pecker he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you don't mess with him."""
-Write a joke for this category,Farmers,"A farmer had three very beautiful daughters. One friday they all had dates, as they do every friday. Well the  very protective farmer was sitting in the living room watching television that friday when the doorbell rang. He opened the door to see a man which was clearly one of the girls dates. Well the man says ""My name's Sam and im here for Pam and we're going to go jam"". So the father okays everything and calls his daughter down. the couple leaves. Ten minutes later the doorbell rings and there is another man. He says ""My name's Freddy and im here for betty and we're going to go eat some spaghetti"". Once again the farmer okays everything and they go along on their merry way. Ten minutes later the door belll rings again and the farmer opens the door.The Farmer says you must be here for Cindy. The man at the door says ""Yes actually, my name's Chuck and were going to go-"" The farmer shot him."
-Write a joke for this category,Bar Jokes,"A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and dancing, but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, ""May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, ""I really don't think you should.."" ""Why not?"" the nun asked. ""Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his most private parts are covered only by a fig leaf."" ""Nonsense,"" said the nun, ""I'll just look the other way."" So, the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the stairs, and she preceded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, ""Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"" ""Well, now they know you're one of us,"" said the bartender, ""Would you like a drink?"" ""But, I still don't understand,"" said the puzzled nun. ""You see,"" laughed the bartender, ""every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Holidays,"December 1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Apply gold leaf, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards. December 2 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine. December 3 Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener. December 4 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim. December 5 Grind lenses for new eyeglasses. December 6 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration. December 7 Debug Windows '98 December 10 Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth. December 11 Lay Faberge egg. December 12 Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble. December 13 Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts. December 14 Install plumbing in gingerbread house. December 15 Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade ""holiday scents"" in case tires are shot out at mall. December 17 Blow glass Christmas tree ornaments. Cut tree in Montana. December 19 Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat. December 20 Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture. December 21 Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks. December 22 Float votive candles in toilet tank. December 23 Seed clouds for white Christmas. December 24 Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are. December 25 Bear son.  Swaddle.  Scent manger with homemade potpourri. December 26 Organize spice racks by genus and phylum. December 27 Build snowman in exact likeness of God. December 28 Say it is good.  Rest for five minutes. December 29 Dig up sand from quarry and make new chips for my four computers. December 30 Float wicks in 4000 dishes of oil, place on lawn, and spell out Happy New Year as a greeting to my friends on the MIR space station. December 31 New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call one friend in each time zone of the world as the calendar changes. January 1 Stay out of jail."
-Write a joke for this category,Bar Jokes,"A man walks along a lonely beach. suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG!He looks around: nobody's there. I am having hallucinations, he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG!So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock. The deep voice says: OPEN !Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins. The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO !Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest and walks to the casino. The deep voice says: ROULETTE !So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables, where the players gaze at him with disbelief. The deep voice says: 27 !He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball. The ball stops at the 26.The deep voice says: Damn."
-Write a joke for this category,Love & Romance,"God called down to Adam, ""My child, I have noticed you are lonely down there, so I want you to meet someone. Come and see, I call her woman, her name is Eve...""Adam came to see her, he then returned to speak with God, hardly able to contain his excitement,""Oh, father, she is so beautiful, her shining blonde hair, and those gorgeous eyes! Why did you make her so beautiful?""God answered, ""So that you would love her my son. But check out the smell of that shining blonde hair....""Adam leaves and later returns to speak with God, ""Oh my Lord, she smells like the flowers in the garden of Eden in the sunshine just after the rain. Why did you make her smell so good God?"" he answered....and again God answered him,.""So that you would love her my son....she will keep you company when you feel like you need a friend. Go forth and enjoy her my son, see how much fun you can have together""Hours later, Adam returns, completely shagged out,""Father, she has many great qualities, the sex was great,she can please me greatly physically, I enjoyed that immensely, but Father, why is she so dumb?"" to which God replied, ""So that she would love you my son"""
-Write a joke for this category,Bar Jokes,"There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, ""Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry.""""No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.""""I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."""
-Write a joke for this category,Marriage,"A married couple is sleeping when the phone rings at 3 a.m. The wife picks up the phone and, after a few seconds, replies,""How am I supposed to know? We're 200 miles inland!""and hangs up.  Her husband rolls over and asks,""Sweetheart, who was that?""  ""I don't know,some idiot asking if the coast is clear."""
-Write a joke for this category,Bar Jokes,"One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.The results showed a reading of 0.0.The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, ""Tonight I'm the designated decoy."""
-Write a joke for this category,Heaven and Hell,"Three men were lost in the forest and later captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest with the cannibals and get 10 pieces of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather some.  The first man came back and said to the king, ""I brought ten apples.""  The king then explained the second step of the trial to him. First, he had to shove the fruits up his butt without any expression on his face, or he would be eaten. The first apple went in, but when he tried the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.  The second man arrived and showed the king that his ten fruits were berries. When the king explained the trial to the second man, he secretly thought to it would be easy to shove the berries up his butt. On the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, so he was also was killed and went to heaven.  The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, ""Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!""  The second one replied, ""I know, but I couldn't help it. I was doin' just great when all of a sudden the third guy showed up with all those watermelons!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Bar Jokes,"A wee guy was sitting at a bar staring at his drink for ages. Suddenly, a big biker came along, snatched his glass, guzzled down the contents and laughed, ""Hah! So what you gonna do about that, little man?"" ""Nothing,"" sighed the little guy despondently. ""You see, today has been the worst day of my life. This morning I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss was furious and so he sacked me. I cleared my desk, went to my car, only to discover that it wasn't there - somebody had stolen it. So I got a taxi home, but when it came to paying the driver I realised I'd forgotten my wallet. I then went into my house and I found my wife in bed with the gardener. So I left home and came to this bar. And just when I was thinking about ending it all, you came along and drank my poison..."""
-Write a joke for this category,Sports,"A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seenmany books on the subject, and finally, aftergetting all the necessary ""tools"" together, she made for the nearest frozen body of water.After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, ""THEREARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"" Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice,poured a Thermos of cappuccino. And began to cutyet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, ""THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"" The Blonde, now quite worried, moved way down tothe opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more. ""THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"" She stopped, looked skyward,and said, ""Is that you, Lord?"" The voice replied, ""No...this is the manager of the hockey rink..."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.  The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the stillshaking driver said, ""I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."" The frightened passenger, apologized to the driver, and said he didn'trealize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. The driver replied, ""No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault.  Today is my first day driving a cab.... I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."""
-Write a joke for this category,Religious,"Two foreign nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, ""I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."" ""Odd,"" her companion replies, ""but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."" Nodding emphatically, the Mother Superior points to a hot dog vendor and  they both walk towards the cart. ""Two dogs, please,"" she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil  and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their ""dogs."" The Mother Superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then,  staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, ""What part did you get?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Medical,"Things people actually said in court, word for word: Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral. Q: How old is your son-the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said, ""where am I Cathy?"" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. Q: And where was the location of the accident? A: Approximately milepost 499. Q: And where is milepost 499? A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500. Q: Sir, what is your IQ? A: Well I can see pretty well I think. Q: Did you blow your horn or anything? A: After the accident? Q: Before the accident. A: Sure, I played horn for ten years. I even went to school for it. Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo. Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? A: Yes. Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? A: Yes sir. Q: What did she say? A: What disco am I at? Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he? Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war? Q: Did he kill you? Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision? Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true? Q: How many times have you committed suicide? Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time? Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls? Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, do they go up also? Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you? A: I went to Europe, sir. Q: And you took your new wife? Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male or a female? Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
-Write a joke for this category,Sex,"Bob was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.  He traveled up to Alaska, spotted  a small brown bear and shot it.  Soon after there  was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to  see a big black bear.       The black bear said, ""That was a very bad mistake.  That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices.  Either I maul you to death or we have sex.""     After considering briefly, Bob decided to accept the latter alternative.  So the black bear had his way with  Bob. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Bob soon recovered and vowed revenge.  He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead.  Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.    The grizzly said, ""That was a big mistake, Bob.  That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or I have sex with you."" Again, Bob thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death.  So the grizzly had his way with Bob.      Although he survived, it took several months before Bob fully recovered.  Now Bob was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shoot it.  He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder.  He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, ""Admit it Bob, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Heaven and Hell,"Jeff and Mike were killed in an accident and as Jeff arrives at the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter. ""Where's my friend Mike?""...Jeff asks the old Saint. St. Peter replies...""Mike wasn't as fortunate as you, instead of Heaven, he went in the other direction."" Jeff was deeply concerned by this and asks... ""well could I see Mike just one more time?"" St. Peter agreed to this, so they walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down.  Jeff notices Mike with a sexy blonde on one side of him and a keg of beer on the other.  ""I really don't mean to complain""...Jeff says... ""but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down in Hell.""  ""Look a little closer""...says St. Peter...""for that keg has a hole in it, the blonde doesn't."""
-Write a joke for this category,Bar Jokes,"A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true. ""I'm as sober as you are, your honor,"" the man claimed. The judge replied, ""Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days."""
-Write a joke for this category,Office Jokes,"A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in uptown New York. The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy.  ""I'll only marry you under three conditions.""  ""Anything, anything,"" said the ambassador. ""First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28 inch studded matching necklace for our engagement."" Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, ""Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!""  The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation. ""Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Poconos along with a 40 acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France.""  The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in France, and after his quick conversation, he said, ""Yes, yes, I build, I build!""  The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to.  ""Finally,"" she said. ""I'll only marry you if you have a 10 inch member."" A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, ""Ok, ok, I''' cut half of it off!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.Lady 1: What's that?Lady 2: A condom.Lady 1: Where'd you get it?Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.The next day, the first lady hobbled into the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a package of condoms.The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she was, after all, in her 80s), but politely asked what brand she preferred.""Doesn't matter,"" she replied, ""as long as it fits a Camel."""
-Write a joke for this category,Bar Jokes,"A couple is in bed sleeping when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.The husband rolls over and looks at the clock, and it's half past 3 in the morning.” I’m not getting out of bed at this time,"" he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs, opens the door, and there's a man standing there. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.""Hi there,"" slurs the stranger, ""Can you give me a push?"" ""No, get lost. It's half past three and I was in bed,"" says the man as he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tell his wife what happened and she says, ""That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?""""But the guy was drunk,"" says the husband.""It doesn't matter,"" says the wife.” He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."" So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere, He shouts, ""Hey, do you still want a push?""And he hears a voice cry out, ""Yeah, please.""So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, ""Where are you?"" The drunk replies, ""Over here, on the swing."""
-Write a joke for this category,Ethnic Jokes,"A guy goes into a store and says to the clerk, ""I""d like some Polish Sausage.""  The clerk looks at him and says ""Are you Polish?""  The guy says ""Well, yes I am. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian, or if I had asked for German sausage, would you ask me if I was German?? If I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican?"" The clerk says ""Well, no.""  The guy says ""Then, why do you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage??""  The clerk says ""Because this is a hardware store."""
-Write a joke for this category,Bar Jokes,"A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, ""Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this Parrot?"" The parrot says, ""I was born this way.  I'm a defective parrot."" ""Holy crap,"" the guy replies. ""You actually understood and answered me!"" ""I got every word,"" says the parrot. ""I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."" ""Oh yeah?"" the guy asks, ""Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"" ""Well,"" the parrot says, ""this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."" ""Wow,"" says the guy. ""You really can understand and speak English can't you?"" ""Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology.  You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."" The guy looks at the $200 price tag. ""Sorry, but I just can't afford that."" ""Pssssssst,"" says the parrot, ""I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"" The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by.  The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting,  he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, ""psssssssssssst,"" and motions him over with one wing. ""I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."" ""What are you talking about?"" asks the guy. ""When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately."" ""WHAT???"" the guy asks incredulously. ""THEN what happened?"" ""Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,"" reported the parrot. ""Oh No!,"" he exclaims. ""Then what?"" ""Then he lifted up the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down...."" ""WELL,"" demands the frantic guy, ""THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"" ""Damned if I know.  I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Money,"An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms. The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips. The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him. The man said, ""Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?"" The bartender quickly replied, ""The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street."""
-Write a joke for this category,Police Jokes,"A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied ""I don't know, it all happened so fast."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”"
-Write a joke for this category,Military,"A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune.... ""One US soldier is better than ten Taliban"" The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune, whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes then ssilence. The voice then call out..... ""One US soldier is better than one hundred Taliban"" Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune, and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The voice calls out again.... ""One US soldier is better than one thousand Taliban"". The enraged Taliban commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence. Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander..... ""Don't send any more men....it's a trap....there's two of them!""..."
-Write a joke for this category,School,"Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. They decided to party instead. Their biggest exam was on Wednesday, and they showed up telling the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study.The professor told them that they could have another day to study. That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything.Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to two separate classrooms to take the exam. Eachboy just shrugged and went to the two different parts of the building.As each sat down, they read the first question.""For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom.""At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake, and answered the question with ease.Then, the test continued.""For 95 points, tell me which tire it was""..."
-Write a joke for this category,State Jokes,"A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him  that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.    Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, ""Some idiot wants to buy half a head of lettuce."" As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, ""And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.""    The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.    Later the manager said to the boy, ""I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here.""   ""Where are you from, son?""    ""Texas, sir,"" the boy replied.    ""Well, why did you leave Texas?"" the manager asked.    The boy said, ""Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and football players down there.""    ""Really?"" said the manager. ""My wife is from Texas.""   ""No kidding??"" replied the boy. ""Who'd she play for?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Marriage,"John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, ""Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!""That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!He went home and told his wife, Mary, ""I won the prize for the best toast of the night.""She said, ""Aye, what was your toast?""John said, ""Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in Church beside me wife.""""Oh that is very nice indeed, John!"" Mary said.The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner.  The man chuckled leeringly and said, ""John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary.""She said, ""Aye and I was a bit surprised me self!  You know,he's only been there twice!  Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."""
-Write a joke for this category,Religious,"There where three nuns who never did anything wrong. One day the high priest came to them and told them that in order to become better nuns they had to do something bad and then drink from the holy water. So the three nuns went out that same day and did something wrong. The first nun came and the high priest asked her what she did wrong. "" I took a lollipop from a little kid."" So he let her drink from the holy water. Then the second one came back and the high priest asked her what she did wrong, she said "" I took a balloon from a little kid."" So he let her drink from the holy water. Then came the third. ""What did you do wrong?"" asked the high priest. "" Well"", she said,"" I peed in the holy water."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel  dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed  his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand  several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the  sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.    He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. He is  wearing an IRS ID badge and dull gray suit. There's a calculator in his  pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.    ""Well, kid,"" says the genie. ""You know how it works. You have three  wishes.""    ""I'm not falling for this."" Says the man. ""I'm not going to trust an IRS  auditor.""    ""What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks  like you're a goner anyway!""    The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is  right. ""O K, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink.""    ***POOF***    The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And  he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.    ""OK, kid, what's your second wish.""    ""My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.""    ***POOF***    The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold  coins and precious gems.    ""OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!""    After thinking for a few minutes, the man says ""I wish that no matter  where I go beautiful women will want and need me.""    ***POOF***    He is turned into a tampon.    The moral of the story... If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached."
-Write a joke for this category,Sex,"Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.  Sitting at a café, the little old man says, ""Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind.""  ""Why, yes, I remember it well, dear,"" replies the little old lady with a grin.  ""Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind.""  The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.  The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.  Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.  Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, ""I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!""  The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.  He says, ""Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?""  The pensioner replies, ""Son, 50 years ago, that goddamn fence wasn't electrified."""
-Write a joke for this category,Marriage,"A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain. As it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun watching him to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him. As a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had sex. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and she asked how the party was. He said, ""Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."" Then she asked, ""Did you dance much?"" He replied, ""I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a really good time!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Military,"An officer is sent to a new base and he meets with one of the soldiers. He says ""everything is alright around here but what's up with the camel?"". The soldier replies ""well the soldiers are lonely and sometimes they get uh...urges"". The Officer is disgusted but thinking it over he replies ""I guess it makes sense, keep it"".A couple of weeks later the officer calls in the soldier and says ""I'm getting restless, send in the camel"". The soldier comes into his tent with the camel and leaves. After the Officer is done with his business and zips up, the soldier walks in and asks ""what were you just doing?"", and the officer replies ""well isn't this how you 'ride' one of these?"". The soldier says ""Well, usually me and the guys ride the camel into town and get some chicks."""
-Write a joke for this category,Farmers,"A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease. ""Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?""  ""Sure. Do you know the bulls only impregnate the cows once a year?""  ""Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?"" ""And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?""  ""Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?""  ""Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your breasts twice a day, but only made love to you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Idiots,"A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, ""Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!"" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says, ""Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!"" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up and the rabbit again says, ""Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!"" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the hell out of the rabbit. As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, ""Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"" The lion answers, ""That little fruitcake! He makes me run around the forest like an idiot each time he's on ecstasy!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Love & Romance,"Two beautiful statues in a park, facing each other across the grass, one of a young girl and the other of a young man, looking towards each other like young lovers. These statues gave so much pleasure to people visiting the park that God looked down and decided to reward them with life for 30 minutes, on a Sunday when the park was closed to the public. Immediately when they came alive, they ran together into the bushes and could be heard giggling and cooing with pleasure and the bushes were shaking. After 15 minutes they came out and realised that they still had 15 minutes more life to live. ""What shall we do now then"" said the boy statue. ""Let's do the same thing again"" she replied. ""Okay"", said the boy statue, ""but this time, you hold the pigeons down while I poop on them""."
-Write a joke for this category,Money,"One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, ""My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor.""""Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,"" Mike replies. ""There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor.""So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.The computer prints the following:1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better."
-Write a joke for this category,Religious,"A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, ''I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.  She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.''  ''Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.''  She responds, ''Well, let's see what we can do about that: first, you have to be single and second, you must be Catholic.''  The cab driver is very excited and says, ''Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!''  The nun says ''OK, pull into the next alley.''  He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. ''My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?''  ''Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.''  The nun says, ''That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party.''"
-Write a joke for this category,Money,"A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed. For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad. Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad. Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned. Exasperated, Peter says, ""Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"" The man says, ""There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her. I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face"". ""Wow"", said Peter, ""That's impressive. When did this happen""? ""Oh, about 10 minutes ago"", replied the man."
-Write a joke for this category,Military,"1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.  2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.  3. Aren't you that guy from the Village People?  4. Hey, you must have been doin' at least 120 mph to keep up with me...Good job!  5.  Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on COPS?  6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a cop.  7. I almost decided to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.  8. Bad cop! No donut!  9. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?  10. Gee, Officer...that's terrific...the last officer only gave me a warning too!  11. Excuse me...is stick up hyphenated?  12. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.  13. Is it true that people become cops because they're too dumb to work at McDonald's?  14. I pay your salary!  15. So, uh, you on the take, or what?  16. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.  17. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.  18. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around-that's how far ahead of me they are.  19. What do you mean, ""Have I been drinking?"" You're the trained specialist.  20. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.  21. Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 Magnum!  22. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?"
-Write a joke for this category,Bar Jokes,"A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar slowly getting drunk. A man comes in and asks the farmer, “Hey,why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?” The farmer says, “Some things you just can’texplain.” “So what happened that is so horrible?” the man asked. The farmer then decides to try an answer, “Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over.” “That’s not so bad,what’s the big deal?” The farmer says, “Some things you just can’t explain.” “So what happened?” the man asked again. The farmer relenting, continued, “I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over.” “Again?” The farmer says, “Some things you just can’t explain.” “So, what did you do then?” the man asked, intrigued. “I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.” “Wow, you must have been pretty upset!” but that’s no reason to just sit here getting all depressed.” The farmer says, “Some things you just can’t explain.” “So then what else did you do?” the man asked again.“Well I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. That’s when my pants fell down and my wife walked in…”"
-Write a joke for this category,School,"A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.  ""Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!""  A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, ""What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?""  The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.  When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says,  ""Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,Q: What's the difference between     Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? A: One is made of plastic and is a     potential risk to children.     The other carries groceries.
-Write a joke for this category,Medical,Michael Jackson was announced that he is the proud father of a baby boy.  He asked his wife's doctor how soon after the birth could he have sex.  The doctor told him he should wait until the kid is at least 12 or 13 years old.
-Write a joke for this category,Money,"John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, ""Is there a problem, Officer?"" ""No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"" John thought for a minute and said, ""Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."" Judi, sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, ""Oh, don't pay attention to him -- he's a smartbutt when he's drunk and stoned."" Brian from the back seat said, ""I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!!!"" At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, ""Are we over the border yet?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Medical,"A very well endowed young lady went to the doctor for her annual check up. The doctor told her to remove her clothes and get up on the examining table. Shyly, she said to him, ""Oh doctor, I just couldn't undress in front of you."" ""Ok. I'll turn off the lights for you, you undress, then tell me when you're ready,"" the doctor said. A few moments later, she called out, ""I've undressed, doctor. What shall I do with my clothes?"" ""Just place them on the chair, on top of mine."""
-Write a joke for this category,Love & Romance,"A newlywed couple arrive at their honeymoon suite and prepare to have sex for the first time.  As they start to settle under the covers, she tells her husband,""I've got a confession.  I'm not a virgin, but I've been with only one man.""The husband thinks for a second and says,""Well it's 2003, that's not unusual for you to have had premarital sex.  But can I ask who the guy was?""She fidgets for a minute, then says,""Tiger Woods.""Her husband is surprised by this response but tells her,""Well, he's rich, talented, and good-looking.  I can see why you wanted to sleep with him.""So they make love for the first time and when they finish he gets up and goes to the room phone.  His wife rolls over and asks,""What are you doing?""He tells her, ""I'm hungry.  I was gonna call room service.  Do you want anything?""""Tiger wouldn't have done,"" she says.""Oh really?  What would Tiger have done,"" he asks.""Tiger would have come back to bed and made love to me a second time.""So her husband puts down the phone and gets back to bed and makes love to his wife a second time.  After they finish he gets out of bed and walks to the phone again.  Again his wife asks,""What are you doing?""""Well I never called room service the first time and I'm still hungry,"" he replies.""Tiger wouldn't have done that,"" she again tells him.""Oh really.  And what would Tiger have done?""""Tiger would have come back to bed and made love to me a third time,"" she says.So her husband goes back to bed and makes love to her for a third time.  After finally finishing he rolls out of bed again and goes to the phone.""Calling room service again?"" she asks.""No!  I'm calling Tiger so I can find out what the par is for this damn hole!!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Aviation,"Three guys parachute from a burning plane onto an island and are quickly caught by a bunch of canabals. The leader of the canabals says ""I will spare your lives if you can complete 2 tasks for me otherwise we will eat you on the spot.""The first task is to collect ten items of fruit or vegatables from anywhere on the island""  So sure enough off they go in three different directions with canable escorts.10 minutes later the first man returns carrying ten apples and the second task is layed before him ""You must push all 10 apples up your bum without making a single sound!"" so with little choice the first man begins 1 23...4....5 ""OUCH"" he shouts and sure enough he is torn limb from limb and eaten by the cannables.5 minutes later after the meal the second man returns with 10 berrys and is given the second task. So off he goes...123456.7..8Suddendly the second man burst into laughter and is torn limb from limb and eaten.When the second man reaches heaven he is greated by the first man who is itching to ask him a question ""WHY OH WHY when you had such an easy task did you start laughing????"" to which the second man replies ""There i was inserting berrys up my bum thinking how easy it was when i looked up to see the other fella with a big grin on his face and 10 mellons in his arms!!!!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Medical,"These are actually things which people actually said in court, word for word. Q: What is your date of birth?A: December 30th.Q: What year?A: Every year.Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?A: Yes.Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?A: I forget.Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.Q: How long has he lived with you?A: Forty-five years.Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?A: He said, ""Where am I, Cathy?""Q: And why did that upset you?A: My name is Susan.Q: And where was the location of the accident?A: Approximately milepost 499.Q: And where is milepost 499?A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.Q: Sir, what is your IQ?A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?A: After the accident?Q: Before the accident.A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?A: We both do.Q: Voodoo?A: We do.Q: You do?A: Yes, voodoo.Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?A: Yes.Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?A: Yes, sir.Q: What did she say?A: What disco am I at?Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?A: Yes.Q: And what were you doing at that time?Q: She had three children, right?A: Yes.Q: How many were boys?A: None.Q: Were there any girls?Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?A: Yes.Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?Q: How was your first marriage terminated?A: By death.Q: And by whose death was it terminated?Q: Can you describe the individual?A: He was about medium height and had a beard.Q: Was this a male, or a female?Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?A: Oral.Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?A: No.Q: Did you check for blood pressure?A: No.Q: Did you check for breathing?A: No.Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?A: No.Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
-Write a joke for this category,Money,"A philosophy professor stands in front of his class and fills a  mayonnaise jar with rocks that are about 2"" in diameter.  The professor asks the class if the jar is full...they agree that  it is.   The professor then takes a handful of pebbles and adds them  to the jar, shaking it so the pebbles fill the cracks and asks if  the jar is full and again the class agrees.   The professor produces a small bag of sand and proceeds to  add it to the jar, shaking it so it fill the cracks and asks the  class if the jar is full and for the third time they agreed it is.   ""Now""...the professor says...""I want you to use this jar full of  sediment as a way of looking at your life...the rocks represent  the things that are most important to you, your family, your  partner and your health... things that are the cornerstone of  your life.""   ""The pebbles represent things like your money, your job or  your dwelling,things that are important, but can be replaced.""    ""The sand represents the small things in your life, for instance,  what you wear, who you are seen with or where you eat.""   ""You'll find, if you put the sand in the jar first, you won't have  enough room for not only the pebbles, but most importantly  the rocks.""     ""The same thing goes for your life, if you spend too much time  and energy on the small issues, you focus less on the things  that really matter.""   ""Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness, play with your children, take your spouse out on a date and find  time for that medical checkup, in essences, set your priorities... you must take care of the rocks first, then let the pebbles and  sand fill your jar.""   As the professor finishes, he receives a standing ovation for his  presentation, but through the crowd, comes a pupil from the  back of the room wearing a backpack.   He goes to front of the class, takes a bottle of beer out, opens it  and pours it into the professor's jar.   The student asks the professor...""would you say the jar now full?""   The stunned professor could only watch as the student answered  his own question...""then we must conclude, that no mater how full  your life is...there's always room for beer!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Marriage,"An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida,  his wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email,  unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address,  he did his best to type it from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an  elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.  When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor,  let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint, at the sound,  her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen..... DEAREST WIFE...JUST GOT CHECKED IN...EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW...P.S.SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE."
-Write a joke for this category,Money,"A man walks into a bar one night.  He goes up to the bar and asks for a  beer.   ""Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent.""  ""ONE CENT!"" exclaimed the guy; the barman replied, ""Yes.""  So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, ""Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"" ""Certainly sir,"" replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money."" How much money?"" inquires the guy. ""4 cents"", he replies.  ""FOUR cents!"" exclaims the guy. ""Where's the Guy who owns this place?""  The barman replies, ""Upstairs with my wife.""  The guy says, ""What's he doing with your wife?""  The bartender replies, ""Same as I'm doing to his business."""
-Write a joke for this category,Love & Romance,"What men and women say and what they really mean:    What a woman says, what she really means...  - I need = I want  - We need = I want  - It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now  - Do whatever you want = You are going to pay for this later  - We need to talk = I need to complain  - Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to  - I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!  - You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot  - You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?  - I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I have a severe case of PMS  - Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs  - This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house  - I want new curtains = I want new curtains, new carpeting, new furniture, new wallpaper...  - I need new shoes = the other 40 pairs are simply the wrong shade  - I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep  - Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive  - How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really going to hate  - I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.  - Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful  - You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me  - Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead  - Yes = No  - No = No  - Maybe = No  - I'm sorry = You'll be sorry  - I was wrong = Not as wrong as you  - Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it  - Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep  - I'm not yelling! = Of course I'm yelling, this is important!   What a man says, what he really means...  - I'm hungry = I'm hungry  - I'm tired = I'm tired  - Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you  - Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you  - Would you like to dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you  - Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you  - Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!  - You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you  - What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psycho trauma are you going through now?  - You look upset = I guess sex tonight is out of the question  - Yes, I love your new hairstyle = I liked it better before  - Yes, your haircut looks good = $50 and it doesn't even look different!  - I like the first dress you tried on better = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go!"
-Write a joke for this category,Bar Jokes,"Ever stop to think...and forget to start again? I are proud to be a college studentConserve toilet paper...use both sides Don't come knockin' if the car is a rockin' 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain Keep honking...I'm reloading Don't steal....the government hates competition I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like his passengers!"
-Write a joke for this category,Marriage,"A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been known about the town, and on this very special occasion, a local newspaper reporter paid them a visit. He inquired as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.  ""Well""...explained the husband...""it all goes all the way back to our honeymoon, you see, we visited the Grand Canyon and wetook a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule."" He continues...""well now, we hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled, she quietly said...that's once."" ""We proceeded a little further when the mule stumbled again and my wife quietly spoke...that's twice."" ""You know, that mule hadn't gone a half-mile when it stumbled a third time.""  My wife promptly removed a gun from her purse, hopped off the beast, and shot the mule dead.""  ""I protested over her treatment of the mule, she slowly turned tome and quietly said...that's once."""
-Write a joke for this category,Police Jokes,"A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.  ""I can't do that, officer.""   ""Why not?""  ""Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.""  ""Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."" ""Can't do that either, officer."" ""Why not?"" ""Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.""  ""Alright, we could get a blood sample.""  ""Can't do that either, officer."" ""Why not?""  ""Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.""  ""Fine then, just walk this white line."" ""Can't do that either, officer.""  ""Why not?"" ""Because I'm drunk."""
-Write a joke for this category,Love & Romance,"With Sam dying, his wife Carol was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand praying and crying, this roused him from his slumber.He looked up and his pale lips said...""my darling Carol.""""Hush, my love""...she said... ""rest, don't talk.""In his tired voice...""I have something I must confess to you.""""There's nothing to confess""...replied the weeping Carol...""everything is all right, just go to sleep.""""No""...he struggles...""I must die in peace, I have something to tell you Carol...I cheated on you!""""I know""...Carol whispered as she softly stroked his forehead...""just let the poison do it's job."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"GHOST POOPIE:  The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet. CLEAN POOPIE: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper. WET POOPIE:  The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with stains. SECOND WAVE POOPIE:  This happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poopie some more. POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOPIE:  The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke. LINCOLN LOG POOPIE:  The kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush. GASSY POOPIE:  It's so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling. DRINKER'S POOPIE:  The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet. CORN POOPIE:  Self explanatory. GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOPIE POOPIE:  The kind where you want to poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times. SPINAL TAP POOPIE:  That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways. WET CHEEKS POOPIE (The Power Dump):  The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water. THE DANGLING POOPIE:  This poopie refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done poopie-ing it.  You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose. THE SURPRISE POOPIE:  You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops* --- a poopie!"
-Write a joke for this category,Idiots,"The Perfect Employee?1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be11 dispensed with. Consequently, I recommend that Bob be12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be13 executed as soon as possible.Addendum:That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines."
-Write a joke for this category,Sports,"There are these two guys named John and Cliff. They were best friends and were so obsessed with baseball that they would go to 60 games a year and analyze every scoreboard. They even promised each other that when one of them goes to heaven, the deceased one would come back and tell the other whether there was baseball in heaven or not.One night Cliff dies in his sleep after watching a Chicago White Sox game -- Chicago won, so at least he died a happy man. The next day Cliff returns to earth to see his friend. ""Hi, John."" ""Cliff, is it really you?"" ""Hey, I told you I'd be back to tell you what's up. And, you know John, there's good news and bad news."" ""Okay. What's the good news?"" ""There is baseball in heaven."" ""The bad news?"" ""You're pitching tomorrow night."""
-Write a joke for this category,Ethnic Jokes,"One day an Indian, a Muslim, and a Cowboy were just sittin' around when all of the sudden, the Indian said with a gloomy look, "" Once my people were many, now we are few."", then the Muslim said with a huge smile on his face, ""Once my people were few, now we are many."", the Cowboy replied , ""Oh, that's just because we ain't played cowboys and muslims yet."""
-Write a joke for this category,Political,"George Bush and Colin Powell were sitting together at a bar. The bartender was surprised to see them and walked over to them.  ""What are you guys talking about?"" he says to them.  ""Well,"" Bush respones ""We were just talking about WW3. We are gonna kill 40 million Iraquies and one blonde with an amazing chest.  ""Why would you kill a blonde with an amazing chest?"" The bartender asks puzzled. Bush then turns to Powell and says ""See I told you no one would care about 40 million Iraquies!"""
-Write a joke for this category,School,"Two guys were taking chemistry at the University of Alabama. They were so confident going into the final that two days before, they decided to go up to the University of Tennessee and party with some friends. They had a great time. However, they overslept and didn't make it back to Alabama until the morning of the exam.  Rather than take the final, they found their professor afterward to explain why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to the University of Tennessee for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back, and didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time, so they were late in getting back to campus. The professor thought this over and told them they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day for the final. The professor placed them in separate rooms, and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.  They looked at the first problem, which was worth 5 points. It was something simple. ""Cool,"" they thought. ""This is going to be easy."" They did that problem and then turned the page. Question #2 said: ""Which tire?"" (95 Points)."
-Write a joke for this category,Military,"Woman: ""Is there a problem officer?""Officer: ""Ma'am you were speeding.""Woman: ""Oh, I see.""Officer: ""Can I see your license please?""Woman: ""I'd give it to you, but I don't have one."" Officer: ""Don't have one?"" Woman: ""Lost it 4 times for drinking.""Officer: ""I see, can I have your vehicle registration papers please?""Woman: ""I can't do that.""Officer: ""why not?""Woman: ""I Stole this car and hacked up the owner."" Officer: ""You what?""Woman: ""His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.""The officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away from his car,and calls for back-up. within 5 minutes five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun. Senior Officer: ""Ma'am could you step out of your vehicle please!""woman: ""Is there a problem officer?""Senior Officer: ""one of my men told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Woman: ""Murdered the owner!"" Senior Officer: ""yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please. The woman opens the trunk revealing nothing but an empty trunk.Senior Officer: ""Is this your car ma'am""? Woman: ""Yes, here are my registration papers. The first officer is stunned. Senior Officer: ""One of my men claims that you do not have a driver's license.The woman digs into her bookbag and draws out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer looks quite puzzled as he glances at the license. Senior Officer: ""I'm sorry ma'am. One of my men claims that you didn't have a license, stole this car and murdered the owner."" Woman: ""Betcha the lyin' bastard told you I was speeding too!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Sports,"February 10, 2003    It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.""Hello?"" says a little girl's voice.""Hi, honey, it's Daddy,"" says John. ""Is Mommy near the phone?""""No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred.""After a brief pause, John says, ""But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!""""Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!""""Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house.""""Okay, Daddy!"" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. ""Well, I did what you said, Daddy.""""And what happened?""""Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead.""""Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?""""He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too.""There is a long pause.""Swimming pool? Sorry wrong number."
-Write a joke for this category,Medical,"Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while theywere walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.   When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.    When he went to tell Mary the news he said, ""Mary, I have good news andbad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you wereable to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead.""  Mary replied ""He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."""
-Write a joke for this category,Marriage,"Once there was a man who every week bought a lottery ticket in the local liquor store.  He really didn't expect to win until one day he jumped in joy when he found out that he won 30 million dollars.  The man immidiatly ran to his car, drove home at full speed, pulled up the drive way, ran inside the house slamed the front door behind him.  As soon as he saw his wife, he said ""Honey, I've won the lottery so pack your bags!!!""  The man's wife leaping in joy asked him; ""What should I pack for?, for hiking, mountain climbing or sun bathing honey!?""""For what ever you want, Just make sure you're out by the end of the week!!!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Money,"You know you're from Canada when ... 1. You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup. 2. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. 3. The mosquitoes have landing lights. 4. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car. 5. You have 10 favorite recipes for moose meat. 6. Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas. 7. You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground. 8. You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard. 9. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow. 10.You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons. 11.You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car. 12.The local paper covers national and international headlines on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey. 13.At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant. 14.The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun. 15.Your snow blower gets stuck on the roof. 16.You think the start of deer season is a national holiday. 17.You head south to go to your cottage. 18.You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won't prowl on your deck. 19.You know which leaves make good toilet paper. 20.The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo it's sausage making. 21.You find -40C a little chilly. 22.The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze. 23.You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorrels. 24.You can play road hockey on skates. 25.You know 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction. 26.The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus. 27.You understand the Labatt Blue commercials. 28.You perk up when you hear the theme from ""Hockey Night in Canada"". 29.You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Canadian friends."
-Write a joke for this category,Blind Jokes,"An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol. ""Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?"" the officer said. The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, ""What did he say?"" ""He said you were speeding!"" the old man yelled. The patrolman then asked, ""May I see your license?"" The woman turned to her husband again, ""What did he say?"" The old man yelled back, ""He wants to see your license!"" The woman then gave the officer her license. ""I see you are from Arkansas,"" the patrolman said. ""I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen.""The woman turned to her husband again and asked, ""What did he say?"" The old man replied, ""He said he knows you!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Old Age,"Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject turned to getting older. The first guy said ""Women have all the luck when it comes to getting older."" ""What do you mean?"" asked the second guy. ""Well,"" replied the first. ""I can barely remember the last time I got aroused in bed, but my wife is healthier than ever!"" ""Healthier? How is that?"" his buddy wondered. ""Years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before bed she'd get these terrible headaches."" he answered. ""Now that we're older, she hasn't had a headache in years."""
-Write a joke for this category,Marriage,"Sadie's husband Jake has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet his faithful wife stays by his bedside day and night. One night, Jake comes to and motions for her to come closer. He says, ""My Sadie, you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what, Sadie?"" ""What Dear?"" she asked gently. ""I think you're bad luck."""
-Write a joke for this category,Military,"January 20, 2003       A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. ""There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes,"" he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100, 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. ""What in hell am I doing?"" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. ""I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!"" ""Last week my wife ran off with a cop,"" the man said, ""and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"" ""Have a nice night"", said the officer."
-Write a joke for this category,Heaven and Hell,"Once this girl named Mary died in a car crash and went up to heaven.When she got there, there was an angel there.Mary was dumbfounded when she turned around and saw a whole bunch of clocks.Mary asked the angel why were there clocks on the wall. The angel said ""Oh the clocks are for all the people that died and the clocks calculate all the sins that person made in his or hers lifetime.So Mary asked where was Abraham Lincoln's? The angel said ""Oh it's that one over there,  the clock went only 2 times to the right cause he only sined 2 times."" ""Where's Mother Teresa's?"" Mary asked ""Well that one is on your left, since she didn't sin, The clocked never moved."" ""So where's Bill Clinton's clock?"" Mary questioned. ""Um...I think that one is in Jesus's Workshop. Because I mean ever since the Monica incident, the clock went haywire!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Aviation,"It seems that a young couple had just gotten married and spent their wedding night with the young man's parents.In the morning the mother got up and prepared a lovely breakfast, went to the bottom of the stairs and called for them to come down for breakfast.After a long wait the family ate without the newlyweds. The mother said, ""I wonder why they never came down to eat?""  The grooms young brother said, ""Mommy, I think -- ""  ""Oh shut up, I don't want to hear what you think!"" said the mother, not wanting to hear any inappropriate comments from the younger brother.At lunch time the mother again prepared a wonderful meal and again called the young couple to eat. After another long wait the family proceeded to eat, and after the meal was completed the mother once again said, ""I wonder why they never came down to eat?"" Once again the younger brother started to speak, but was interrupted by the mother.At dinner time once again the mother cooked a very elaborate meal, had the table set perfect and called the newlyweds to join the family for dinner. After another long wait the mother once again questioned why they had not come downstairs all day. The young lad once again said, ""Mommy I think -- "" ""Well what is it that you think?"" asked the mother rather irritated.  ""I think that when my big brother came down to get the Vaseline last night, he got my model plane glue instead."""
-Write a joke for this category,Military,"This is a transcript of an ACTUAL radio communication between a U.S. NAVY ship and Canadian authorities off the cost of Newfoundland, October 1995. Radio log released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10/10/95:    WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP."
-Write a joke for this category,Business,"The new company recruit was lazy. One morning he dialed the number of the cafeteria, but got the wrong number... When someone picked the phone he said, ""I'm don't feel like working today. Can you send up a coffee and a muffin, and I'll just sit around and read the paper?"" ""Do you know whom you are talking to?"" the other side asked. ""No."" he replied. ""You are talking to the director of this company!"" the other side replied. Then our friend asked, ""do you know who is talking on this side?"" ""No."" the director replied. ""Good."" And he put the phone down."
-Write a joke for this category,Idiots,"Man approaches to greet a new neighbor who is just moving into the house next door and asks what he does for a living.  Neighbor 1: I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning.  Man: Deductive reasoning? What is that?  Neighbor 1: Let me give you an example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog.  Man: That's right.  Neighbor 1: The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family.  Man: Right again.  Neighbor 1: Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife.  Man: Correct.  Neighbor 1: And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual.  Man: Yup.  Neighbor 1: That is deductive reasoning.  Man: Cool.  .....Later that same day...  Man: Hey I was talking to that new neighbor next door.  Neighbor 2: Is he a nice guy?  Man: Yes, and he has an interesting job.  Neighbor 2: Oh, yeah? What does he do?  Man: He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University.  Neighbor 2: Deductive reasoning? What's that?  Man: Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?  Neighbor 2: No.  Man: Queer!"
-Write a joke for this category,Holidays,"So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for:There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year, which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!"
-Write a joke for this category,"Family, Parents","A gentleman, fresh out of gift ideas, bought his mother-in- law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. On her next birthday, he bought her nothing.She was quick to comment, loud and long, on his thoughtlessness. The gentleman said only one thing - ""Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year."""
-Write a joke for this category,Money,At age 5 success is not peeing in your pantsAt age 10 success is having friendsAt age 16 success is having your driver's licenseAt age 20 success is having sexAt age 35 success is having moneyAt age 50 success is having moneyAt age 65 success is having sexAt age 70 success is having your driver's licenseAt age 75 success is having friendsAt age 80 success is not peeing in your pants
-Write a joke for this category,Love & Romance,"Just keep in mind this was on live radio.... On the morning show at WBAM FM in Chicago, IL, they call someone at work and ask if they're married or in a serious relationship. If yes, then this person is asked three very personal questions and the significant other's name and work phone number. If the significant other answers correctly, then they are winners. This particular day it got interesting: DJ: HEY! This is Edgar on WBAM. Do you know ""Mate Match""? Contestant: (laughing) Yes I do. DJ: What is your name? First name only please. Contestant: Brian. DJ: Are you married or what Brian? Brian: Yes. DJ: ""Yes""? Does this mean your are ""married"" or what, Brian? Brian: (laughing nervously) Yes I am married. DJ: Thank you, Brian. Okay, now, what is your wife's name? First only please, Brian. Brian: Sara. DJ: Is Sara at work Brian? Brian: She is gonna kill me. DJ: Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work? Brian: (laughing) Yes she is. DJ: All right then, first question: When was the last time you had sex? Brian: She is gonna kill me. DJ: BRIAN! Stay with me here man. Brian: About 8 this morning. DJ: Atta boy. Brian: (laughing sheepishly) Well... DJ: Number 2: How long did it last? Brian: About 10 minutes. DJ: Wow! You really want that trip huh? No one would ever have said that if it there weren't a trip at stake. Brian: Yeah, it would be really nice. DJ: Okay, final question: where was it that you had sex at 8 this morning? Brian: (laughing hard) I ummmmm... DJ: This sounds good Brian; where was it? Brian: Not that it was all that great, just that her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks and she was taking a shower at the time. DJ: Ooooooh, sneaky boy! Brian: On the kitchen table. DJ: ""Not that great""? That is more adventurous than the last hundred times I have done it. Anyway, (to audience) I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this.(Advertisements) DJ: (to audience) Let's call Sara, shall we? (touch tones...*ringing*) DJ: Hey, is Sara around there somewhere? Clerk: This is she. DJ: Sara, this is Edgar with WBAM. I have been speaking with Brian for a couple of hours now. Sara: (laughing) A couple of hours? DJ: Well, a while anyway. He is also on the line with us. Brian knows not to give away any answers or you lose, soooooooo, do you know the rules of ""Mate Match""? Sara: No. DJ: Good. Brian: (laughing) Sara: (laughing) Brian, what the hell are you up to? Brian: (laughing) Just answer his questions honestly, Okay? Sara: Oh, Brian. DJ: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sara I will now ask you three questions and if you answer exactly what Brian has said, then the two of you are off to Orlando, Florida at our expense. This does include tickets to Disney World and Sea World. Sara: All right. Brian: (laughing) DJ: All right, when did you have sex last Sara? Sara: Oh God, Brian...this morning before Brian went to work. DJ: What time? Sara: About 8, I think. (sound effect) DING DING DING. DJ: Great! That's one. Now! How long did it last? Sara: Oh God! Brian...ummm, about 12, 14 minutes I think DING DING DING. DJ: Okay, the judges say that's close enough, I guess she's trying not to harm his manhood. DJ: Last question: where did you do it? Sara: OH MY GOD, BRIAN! You did not tell them did you?!?! Brian: Just tell him honey. DJ: What is bothering you so much Sara? Sara: Well, it's just ... just that my mom is vacationing with us and... DJ: SHE SAW?!?! Sara: BRIAN?!?! Jesus?!?! Brian: NO, no she didn't. DJ: Ease up there sister. Just messin' with your head. Your answer? Sara: Dear Lord... Brian, I cannot believe you told them this. Brian: Come on honey it's for a trip to Florida. DJ: Let's go Sara, we ain't got all day. Where did you do it? Sara: In the ass. (long pause) DJ: We will be right back. (advertisements) DJ: I am sorry for that ladies and gentlemen. This is live radio and these things do happen. anyway, Brian and Sara are off to lovely Orlando, Florida."
-Write a joke for this category,Money,"Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: ""You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees."" The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees. Four weeks later the boss returns and says: ""You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our cleaners has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?"" The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: ""Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?"" A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: ""You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Managers, and Project Managers so no-one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the cleaner!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Medical,"A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed. Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter.  The guy next to him asked: ""Why are you laughing?""  ""I was thinking about my own funeral,"" the man replied.  ""What's so funny about that?""  ""I'm a gynecologist."""
-Write a joke for this category,"Family, Parents","The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, ""Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?""Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, ""They won't let me fart."""
-Write a joke for this category,Love & Romance,"13. The check is in the mail. 12. You get this one, I'll pay next time. 11. You look great. 10. Of course I love you. 9. It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing. 8. ...but we can still be good friends. 7. She means nothing to me. 6. Don't worry, I can go another 20 miles when the gauge is on ""empty."" 5. Don't worry, he's never bitten anyone. 4. I'll call you later. 3. I've never done anything like this before. 2. I'm from your government, and I am here to help you. 1. I DO."
-Write a joke for this category,Medical,"A pregnant woman is in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. asleepfor nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longerpregnant.Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies,""Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came inand named them."" The woman thinks to herself, ""Oh no, not my brother, he's an idiot!""Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, ""Well, what's the girl's name?""""Denise,"" says the doctor.The new mother thinks, ""Wow, that's not a bad name! I guess I was wrongabout my brother. I like Denise!"" Then she asks the doctor, ""What's the boy's name?""       The doctor replies, ""Denephew."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"3 men were walking home to there house one summer. They all lived right next to each other. All 3 of them had a large swimming pool. They were just getting ready to dive into the pool, when a genie popped out in front of them.""It's your lucky day!"" said the genie. ""Just jump and say whatever drink you want, and the pool water will turn into it.""The first man jumped and said ""Budweiser!"" and he jumped into a pool of Budweiser.The second man jumped and said ""Coke!"" and he jumped into a pool of Coke.The third man jumped and said... ""Weeeeeeeee!!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Deep Thoughts,"Star Wars vs Titanic 10. Titanic top speed woefully shy of light speed. 9. Leia is a princess, a senator, and a freedom fighter. Rose is engaged. 8. ""...using an old Jedi mind trick"" much more interesting way to get what you want than saying ""Please, I have a child."" 7. Titanic is egalitarian by portraying poor people as sympathetic characters. Star Wars is egalitarian by promoting bug-eyed amphibians to Admiral. 6. Darth Vader wears black body armor and blows up planets for fun. Cal wears snappy tuxedo and is rude to the poor. 5. Everyone knew the boat was going to sink, but nobody anticipated, ""Luke... I am your father."" 4. There are always enough escape pods in Star Wars. 3. If Luke were handcuffed to a pipe below decks in a sinking ship, he could use the Force to get the key. 2. Han Solo would've steered clear of that stinkin' iceberg! 1. Sure, Leo can dance, but can he bull's-eye Womp Rats in his T16 back home?"
-Write a joke for this category,Sports,"1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country. 2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run thecountry. 3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country. 4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the countrybut  don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however,like their  statistics shown in pie charts. 5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind runningthe  country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave LA to do it. 6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and they did a far superior job of it, thank you very much. 7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's  running the  country, and don't  really care as long as they canget a seat  on the train. 8. The New  York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the  country, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while  intoxicated. 9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is  a country or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is,they oppose all  that they stand for. There are occasional exceptionsif the leaders are  handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs, whoalso happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long asthey are Democrats. 10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but  need the baseball scores. 11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at thegrocery store."
-Write a joke for this category,Money,"A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. ""Good morning,"" said the young man.  ""If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."" ""Go away!"" said the old lady.  ""I haven't got any money"" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. ""Don't be too hasty!"" he said.  ""Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."" And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. ""If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."" ""Well,"" she said, ""I hope you have a damned good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."""
-Write a joke for this category,Marriage,"A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day beforeThanksgiving and says, ""I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.""  ""Pop, what are you talking about?"" the son screams.  ""We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,"" the father says. ""We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."" Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.""Like hell they're getting divorced,"" she shouts, ""I'll take care of this,"" She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, ""You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?"" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. ""Okay,"" hesays, ""they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."""
-Write a joke for this category,Marriage,"Joe asks his wife, Karen, what she wants for their 40th wedding anniversary. ""Would you like a new Mink coat?"" he asks. ""Not really,"" says Karen. ""Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?"" says Joe. ""No,"" she responds. ""What about a new vacation home in the country?"" he suggests. She again rejects his offer with a ""No thanks."" ""Well, what would you like for your anniversary?"" Joe asks. ""Joe, I'd like a divorce,"" answers Karen. ""Sorry, I wasn't planning to spend that much,"" says Joe."
-Write a joke for this category,Idiots,"Read each of the following lines out loud.   This is this cat  This is is cat  This is how cat  This is to cat  This is keep cat  This is an old cat  This is idiot cat  This is busy cat  This is for cat  This is forty cat  This is seconds cat             Now, go back and read the THIRD word in each line, starting at the top."
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade and probably the century.A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars,then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost ""in a series of small fires.""The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued....and won!In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire,without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire,"" and was obligated to pay the claim.Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the ""fires.""NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim andtestimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.ONLY IN AMERICA"
-Write a joke for this category,Farmers,"One day a horse and a chicken were walking along on the farm, talking quietly to themselves. All of a sudden, the horse falls into a hole that he didn't see.  The horse says to the chicken, ""Go get the farmer. He'll know what to do."" So, the chicken runs off. About 10 minutes later, the horse hears a car, and he sees the chicken's head peer over the top of the hole. The chicken says, ""I couldn't find the farmer, but I got his car. Hold this rope, and I'll try to drag you out."" So, after a few minutes, the horse was safely out of the hole. About a month later, both had forgotten all about the hole. They were once again talking and walking about the farm, when all of a sudden, the chicken falls into the same hole. The chicken says to the horse, ""Go get the farmer; he'll know what to do.""  But the horse walks around the hole and says, ""I think I can stand over the hole. Grab my thingy, and I'll pull you out."" And so, about 5 minutes later, the chicken was safely out of the hole. This time, they remembered the hole, and never got stuck again. Moral: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a car to pick up a chick!"
-Write a joke for this category,Crazy Jokes,"Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat. It so happened that John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe a mistook him for John. She said, 'I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible.'Joe thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, 'Hell no in fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle. 'The old lady fainted."
-Write a joke for this category,Medical,"A man goes to the hosital because he is having pains in his stomach. He tells the doc what is wrong and the doc says ""You have constipation, you will need to take one of these suppository's every 6 hours for a week. I can help you with the first one."" So, reluctantly, the man drops his pants, bends over, and the doc shoves it in. Later, at home, he is having a little trouble inserting the next one, so he asks his wife for help. He tells her what to do, drops his pants and bends over. She then puts one hand on his shoulder and starts pushing it in. ""Damn!"" the guy screams, ""What? Did I hurt you?"" his wife replies. ""No,"" said the man ""But I just realized something...the doctor put 2 hands on my shoulders!!!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Crazy Jokes,"Little Leroy went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His Mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, ""Well, Leroy, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. Why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead?"" After Leroy threw a temper tantrum, his mother sent him to his room, where he finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus. Dear Jesus, I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle. Your friend, Leroy. Now, Leroy knew that Jesus really understood what kind of boy he was - a brat - so Leroy ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try. Dear Jesus, I've been an OK boy this year, and I want a new bicycle. Yours truly, Leroy Well, Leroy knew this wasn't totally honest either, so he tore it up and tried again. Dear Jesus, I've thought about being a good boy this year, and can I have a bicycle? Leroy Leroy looked deep down into his heart (which, by the way, was what his mother really wanted). He knew he had been terrible and was deserving of almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can, and went running outside. He aimlessly wandered about the streets, depressed because of the way he had treated his parents. For the first time, he really considered his actions. Leroy finally found himself in front of a Catholic Church. He went inside and knelt down, looking around but not knowing what he should really do. Leroy finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden, he grabbed a small statue and ran out the door. He went home, hid it under his bed, and wrote this letter: Jesus, I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike. From, You know who.?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Money,"A san diego patrolman pulled over a driver and told him that because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5000 in a safety competition. ""what are you going to do with the money? ""the officer asked.""i guess i""ll go to driving school and get my license, "" the man answered.""don't listen to him,"" said the woman in the passanger seat. ""he's a smart alect when he is drunk.""This woke up the man in the back seat, who saw the cop and said, ""i knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car.""Then there was a knock from the trunk, and a voice asked in spanish, ""are we over the border yet?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Bar Jokes,"After being married for 27 years this guy tells his wife that he is bored and is going to the bar to have a drink. As he enters the bar this gorgeous blond call him over. She says instead of you staying down here and drinking why don't you come upstairs to my apartment and we can drink and have sex all night. He is dumbfounded but decides to go. After a night of drinking and crazy sex he falls asleep and when he awakes he looks at the clock and says . O my god it's 3:00 A.m. I must go . It was great but you know I'm a married man and I don't want my wife to find out about this. She says don't worry it was just a one night stand. As he is leaving he says thank you and then asks her if she had any powder. She gives him the powder and he rubs it on his hands. He then leaves to go home. As he opens the door his wife is standing there all pissed off. She says ""and where were you"", He replies I was at  the bar and I met this gorgeous woman and she invited me up to her place for drinks and a night of wild sex. She says ""let me see your hands"" He put out his hands and she says ""DON'T LIE TO ME YOU WENT BOWLING"""
-Write a joke for this category,Medical,"This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, ""I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?""Patient: Well, give me the bad news first.Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left.Patient: That's terrible! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this?Doctor: You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you."
-Write a joke for this category,Love & Romance,"Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "" He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on."" So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, ""Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight."" He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone. The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cabbage cooking. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, Apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!! There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a Happy Birthday!!!"
-Write a joke for this category,Aviation,"The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Ashley said, ""My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying  hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat  of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying  and broke and made a mess."" ""What's the moral of the story?"" asked the teacher. ""Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"" ""Very good,"" said the teacher. Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, ""Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, ""don't count your chickens before they're hatched."" ""That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"" Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle Mike. Uncle Mike was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and his plane got hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine   gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets. Then he killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."" Good heavens,"" said the horrified teacher, ""what kind of moral did your  daddy tell you from that horrible story?"" ""Stay the hell away from Uncle Mike when he's been drinking."""
-Write a joke for this category,Crazy Jokes,"It was autumn, and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their newChief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society he had never beentaught the old secrets, so when he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what theweather was going to be.Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that thewinter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the villageshould collect wood to be prepared.But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service andasked, ""Is the coming winter going to be cold?""""It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,"" the Meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.One week later he called the National Weather Service again. ""Is it going to be a very cold winter?""""Yes,"" the man at National Weather Service again replied, ""it's going to be a very cold winter.""The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect Every scrap of wood they could find.Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. ""Are youabsolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?""""Absolutely,"" the man replied. ""It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever.""""How can you be so sure?"" the Chief asked.The weatherman replied, ""The Indians are collecting wood like crazy."""
-Write a joke for this category,Bar Jokes,"A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3:30 in the morning. ""I'm not getting out of bed at this time,"" he thinks, and rolls over. Then a louder knock follows. ""Aren't you going to answer that?"" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing on the porch. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. ""Hi there,"" slurs the stranger. ""Can you give me a push??"" ""No, get lost! It's half past three. I was in bed,"" says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, ""That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"" ""But the guy was drunk,"" says the husband. ""It doesn't matter,"" says the wife. ""He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."" So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, ""Hey, do you still want a push?"" And he hears a voice cry out, ""Yeah, please."" So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, ""Where are you?"" And the drunk replies, ""Over here, on the swing."""
-Write a joke for this category,Bar Jokes,"IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.AT WORK.....You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle. IN PRISON...You get three meals a day.AT WORK.....You only get a break for 1 meal; you have to pay for it. IN PRISON...You get time off for good behavior. AT WORK.....You get rewarded for good behavior with more work. IN PRISON...A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK.....You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. IN PRISON...You can watch TV and play games. AT WORK.....You get fired for watching TV and playing games. IN PRISON...You get your own toilet. AT WORK.....You have to share. IN PRISON...They allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK.....You cannot even speak to your family and friends. IN PRISON...All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. AT WORK.....You get to pay all the expenses to go to work, and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. IN PRISON...You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. AT WORK.....You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars. IN PRISON...There are wardens who are often sadistic. AT WORK.....They are called supervisors."
-Write a joke for this category,Office Jokes,"While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. ""What's in the bags?"", asked the guard. ""Sand,"" said the cyclist. ""Get them off - we'll take a look,"" said the guard. The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border. Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear. A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. ""Say friend, you sure had us crazy"", said the guard. ""We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were smuggling?"" ""Bicycles!"""
-Write a joke for this category,School,"The judge asked the defendant to please stand. ""You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw.""From out in the gallery, a man shouts, ""Lying bastard!""""Silence in the court!"" the Judge says to the man who shouted.He turns to be defendant and says, ""You are also charged with killing a jogger with a shovel.""""Damn tightwad!"" the same man in the gallery blurted out.""I said QUIET!"" yelled the judge.To the defendant, ""You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill.""""You four-flusher!"" the man from the gallery yelled.The judge thundered at the man in the galley, ""If you don't tell me right now the reasons for your outbursts I'll hold you in contempt!""The man answered, ""I've lived next door to that man for ten years now, and he never had a tool when I needed to borrow one!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Money,"Know Your State Sotto Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Arkansas:   Literacy Ain't Everything ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It, Yet ! ! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Georgia: We Put The ""Fun"" In Fundamentalist Extremism ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru            (Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The           Potatoes Sure Are Real Good ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the ""S"" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Kentucky:  Five Million People;  Fifteen Last Names ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos,                 But That's Our Tourism Campaign  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's                         (For Most Tax Brackets) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Michigan: First Line Of Defense, From The Canadians ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies,                and Very Little Else ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Nevada: Hookers and Poker! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ New Jersey: You Want A Stinkin' Motto? I Got Yer Stinkin' Motto                    Right Here!  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent,                 You Have The Right To an attorney... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ South Carolina: Remember The Civil War?                       We Didn't Actually Surrender ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Tennessee: The Educashun State IS THAT 'WRITE', CUZIN PAUL ??  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Vermont: Yep ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really!  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Wyoming: Where Men Are Men... and the sheep are scared!"
-Write a joke for this category,Marriage,The Shortest Books Ever Written* 1000 Years of German Humor* Everything men know about women* The Code of Ethics for Lawyers* Italian War Heroes* Who's who in Puerto Rico* Americans' Guide to Etiquette* Royal Family's Guide to Good Marriages* Safe Places to Travel in the USA* Jerry Garcia's Guide to Beating Drug Addiction* Contraception by Pope John Paul II* Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors* Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu* Gun Control for The New Millenium: NRA Handbook
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"""Sixty is the worst age to be,"" said the 60-year-old.  ""You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!""""Ah, that's nothin',"" said the 70-year-old. ""When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toiletall day and nothin' comes out!""""Actually,"" said the 80-year-old, ""80 is the worst age of all!""""Do you have trouble peeing too?"" asked the 60-year-old.""No, not really.  I pee every morning at 6:00.  I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all.""""Do you have trouble crapping?"" asked the 70-year-old.""No, I crap every morning at 6:30.""With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, ""Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30.So what's so tough about being 80?""""I don't wake up until 7:00!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Animals,"On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks, ""And get me a whisky you cow!"" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls, ""And get me another whisky you dolt!"". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach, ""I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll whip the snot out of you!"". Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.  Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, ""For someone who can't fly you're a lippy guy!""."
-Write a joke for this category,Medical,"An old man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing. So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked.The Doctor said he could see her in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem.""Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal conversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.""So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room, and he says to himself, ""I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.""""Honey, what's for supper?"" No response.So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away. ""Honey, what's for supper?"" No response.So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away. ""Honey, what's for supper?"" No response.On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. ""Honey, what's for supper?"". No response.So he walks right up behind her. ""Honey, what's for supper?""""For the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!!!!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Three rednecks, Bubba, Earl and Jeb, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.""Come have a look over here"", says Bubba, ""It's Zeb Jones' grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87.""""That's nothing"", says Earl, ""here's one named Butch Smith. It says here that he was 95 when he died.""Just then, Jeb yells out, ""But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!""""What was his name?"" asks Bubba.Jeb lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, ""Miles, from Georgia."""
-Write a joke for this category,Bar Jokes,"A man who drank only beer all his life walked into his regular bar. He asks the bartender, give me a shot of wiskey fast. The bartender says to the man,you have been coming in here for years and all you drink is beer. What seems to be the trouble? The man replys: I just found out my first son is gay.The bartender says ,sorry to hear that. The man drank his drink and left. The next day the same man entered the bar. Bartender give me another shot make it a double! The bartender says what seems to be the problem today? The man repled, I just found out my second son is gay.The bartender replys sorry to hear that. The man drinks his drink and leaves. The next day the same man comes in and says: bartender give me the GODDMN bottle!! Then the bartender asks: doesn't anyone in your family like women? The man said: Yeah, my wife."
-Write a joke for this category,Love & Romance,"There is a bear chasing a rabbit through the forest and they're running and running and they stop because a ginnie appears. The ginnie says "" if you two stop fighting and chasing each other i'll give you each three wishes""They agree. The bear wishes first for the biggest ""package"" of all the bears in the whole forest.And his wish comes true. The rabbit then wishes for an unlimited supply of carrots. His wish is granted too. The bear's second wish is that all the bears in the forest , except him, are female. Then the rabbit wishes for a motorcycle. The bear's last wish is that all the bears fall madly in love with him. The rabbit's final wish is that the bear becomes gay, and the rabbit jumps on his motorcycle and rides away."
-Write a joke for this category,Ethnic Jokes,"One Day Ima go to Detroit to a Bigga Otel, I go down to eata breakfast, I tella waitress, I wanna two pisses of toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I wanta two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say to her you no understand, I wanna two piss on my plate. She say you better not piss on the plate you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she calla me a sonna ma bitch. Later I go to eata lunch ata drake restaurant. The waitress bringa me a  spoon anda knife but no fock. I tella her, I wanna fock. She tella me  everybody wanna fock. I tella her you no understand, I wanna fock on the  table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna Ma bitch.  I don't even know the lady and she calla me a sonna ma bitch.   So I go back to my room inna Otel, and there's no sheet on my bed. I calla  the manager anna tella him I wanna sheet. He tella me to go to the toilet.  So I say, you no understand, I wanna sheet on my bed. He say you better  not sheet on the bed you sonna ma bitch.   I go to check out anda the man at the desk say. Peace to you, I say Piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch.    I go back to Italy."
-Write a joke for this category,Business,"There are three guys in a sauna.  All of a sudden there is a beep.  so guy number one slaps his hand, and guy number two asks what that was.  Guy one says he got his beeper implanted in his hand.  He goes off and reurns his call.  A little while later he comes back and hears a cell phone jingle, and guy number two puts his hand up to his ear and starts talking.  Later, guy number three who was not to up to date on this new technology asks what that was about.  Guy two said he got his cell phone implanted in his hand, because he kept losing it.  Guy number two walks out of the sauna and says he has to get one up on theese guys.  He returns to the sauna and has three feet of toilet paper hanging out of his butt.  At the same time guy one and guy 2 ask what is that, so guy 3 says Don't bother me- I'm receiving a FAX."
-Write a joke for this category,Office Jokes,"A man walk up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice.The woman imediately goes to her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and proceeds to explain why.The suervisor is puzzled by this time and says, ""What's wrong with your co-worker complimenting on ow your hair smells?""The woman replies.""He's a midget"""
-Write a joke for this category,Medical,"The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at 	breakfast. 	As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his 	wife, 	""You aren't that good in bed either!"" 	By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned 	home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered 	the phone. 	""What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?"" 	""I was in bed."" 	""What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?"" 	""Getting a second opinion."""
-Write a joke for this category,Business,"The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. ""What is your name?"" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy. ""John,"" the new guy replied. The manager scowled, ""Look, I don't know what kind of a place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"" The new guy sighed and said, ""Darling. My name is John Darling."" ""Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."""
-Write a joke for this category,Heaven and Hell,"Once upon a time there was a priest and a nun that were traveling on a camel. On a desert. Then in 3 months the camel dies. So the priest and the nun were stuck with each other alone. The priest find no other way to survive.So he says,"" I'm going to show you something that you never seen before."" So he pulls out his thing and says,""this is my tool of giving life."" So the nun says,""really then stick it in the camel so we can get the hell out of here."
-Write a joke for this category,School,"At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They were doing so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an ""A"" so far for the semester.  These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.  Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.  The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.  They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. ""Cool,"" they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, ""this is going to be easy."" Each finished the problem and then turned the page.  On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire?"
-Write a joke for this category,Animals,"Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second was an Accountant, the third was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Worker. To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. ""T-Square, do your stuff."" T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.  The Accountant said his dog could do better, and said, ""Slide Rule, do your stuff."" Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.  The Chemist said his dog could do better still, so he called his dog and said, ""Measure, do your stuff."" Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was great.  The Government Worker called to his dog and said, ""Coffee Break, do your stuff!"" Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home on sick leave. Everyone agreed that was really typical."
-Write a joke for this category,Military,"By the time the sailor pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. ""You've got to have a room somewhere,"" he pleaded, ""or just a bed, I don't care where."" ""Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy,"" admitted the manager, ""and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."" ""No problem,"" the tired Navy man assured him, ""I'll take it."" The next morning the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. ""How'd you sleep?"" asked the manager. ""Never better."" The manager was impressed. ""No problem with the other guy snoring?"" ""Nope, I shut him up in no time,"" said the Navy guy. ""How'd you manage that?"" asked the manager. ""He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,"" the sailor explained. ""I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."""
-Write a joke for this category,Marriage,"A man and his wife were in a fancy resturant.  While ordering, they noticed that the waiter had a spoon in his shirt pocket, and after looking around, they observed the other waiters and busboys each had a similar spoon. So the husband says, ""what's with the spoon?""The waiter said,""well, we had this company come in and evaluate our time management and they found that people drop their spoon 74.8% more often than any other utensil.  So if we carry one with us, we can reduce the trips back to the kitchen by 3 hours per shift.The husband was impressed.  Sure enough, he dropped his spoon during dinner and the waiter replaced it with his, stating, ""I'll just get another when I go to the kitchen for something else"".  While ordering dessert, the husband noted that the waiter had a very thin string hanging from the fly of his pants, as did the other waiters, so the husband asks, "" hey, there's a string on your pants"".  The waiter tells him, "" not all my customers are as observant as you... the same company found that we can reduce the amount of time spent in the bathroom by 2 hours each shift if we tie a string around the end of you-know-what, and when we have to go we just unzip and pull it out with the string completely eliminating the need to wash up and saving time.""  The husband was impressed, but asked, "" it's a good idea but how do you get it back in your pants?"".  The waiter leaned close and whispered, "" well I don't know about the rest of them, but personally I use the spoon."""
-Write a joke for this category,Marriage,"A new preacher told his wife he was going to preach on water skiing,she said you can't preach on water skiing. if you do i am not going, so she stayed home in the house behind the church as the preacher listened to the singing and got ready to preach and thought I don't know anything about water skiing I will preach on sex,after church a deacon walked  by the house and told the preachers wife it sure was a good sermon.and the preachers wife said am really surprised he only tried it twice and fell off both times."
-Write a joke for this category,Money,"One day a blonde was golfing. She hit the ball into the sand and went to retrieve it. She was just bending down to get it when she heard a small voice"" If you pick me up I will grant you three wishes."" ""ok"" she agreed. She picked him up and he said"" Whatever you wish your husband will get 20 times more"" ""alright, for my first wish I want to be beautiful and flawless"" ""Ok that can be done but remember your husband will 20 times more beautiful!"" ""ok"" She became beautiful.""For my second wish I would like to have a trillion dollars"" ""Ok remember about your husband!"" ""I dont mind"" The blonde felt a wad of money grow in her pocket. ""ok for my last wish I would like to have a small, tiny very little heartattack"" ""Ok but your husband will get 20 times..."""
-Write a joke for this category,Science,"Two 80 year old men sat talking over the weather and the latest in medical science, and such, when one brings up the latest male medical miracle, Viagra. The other wasn't familiar with Viagra and asked the first man what it was for. The first man said, ""It's the greatest thing I've ever known. The Fountain of Youth!! Makes you feel like a man of 30!"" The second then asked, ""Can you get it over the counter?"" ""You probably could, if you took two pills"", said the first man."
-Write a joke for this category,Bar Jokes,"There was a little boy who lived on a farm. One morning when he got up from bed his mother told him he needed to start doing his chores around the farm. The little boy said he would take over the chores for his dad. So he went to the barn and milked the cow when he was done he kicked the cow right in the ass.                                                                           Then he went and fed the pig, when he was done he kicked the pig in the ass.                                                                             Then he went to feed the chicken, when he was done he kicked the chicken in the ass.                                     After the chores were done the little boy went into the house and said to his mother ""The chores are done I want some breakfast"". So the mom put a dry bowl of cereal down in front of the little boy, he said, ""What about the milk?"", and the mother replied ""You can't have any milk because you kicked the cow in the ass"". The little boy said, ""Well how about some bacon?"" the mother replied, ""You can't have any bacon because you kicked the pig in the ass"". The little boy said ""Can I at least have an egg?"" The mother replied, ""No, you kicked the chicken in the ass"". In walks his father, who kicked the cat, and the little boy said to his mother ""Do you want to tell him or should I?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Religious,"In the convent a young nun went to see the mother superior.""Mother, I want to quit the veil.""""But why, my child?""""To become a prostitute.""""What? What are you saying?""""I said I want to become a prostitute, mother.""""Oh, you had me worried. I thought you said protestant!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Religious,"After a few days on the new Earth, the Lord called to Adam and said, ''It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her.'' Adam answered, ''Yes, Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?'' The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, ''Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable.'' And the Lord replied, ''Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, I'd like you to caress Eve.'' And Adam said, ''What is a 'caress'?'' So, the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, ''Lord, that was even better than the kiss.'' And the Lord said, ''You've done well Adam. And now, I want you to make love to Eve.'' And Adam asked, ''What is 'make love', Lord?'' So, the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he re-appeared in two seconds. And Adam said, ''Lord, what is a 'headache'?''"
-Write a joke for this category,Religious,"Einstein climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.  Looking up, he asks the Lord... ""God, what does a million years mean to you?""  The Lord replies, ""A minute.""  Einstein asks, ""And what does a million dollars mean to you?""  The Lord replies, ""A penny.""  Einstein asks, ""Can I have a penny?""  The Lord replies, ""In a minute."""
-Write a joke for this category,Religious,"A Chinese man and his Jewish friend were walking along one day when the Jewish man whirled and slugged the Chinese man and knocked him down. ""What was that for?"" the Chinese man asked. ""That was for Pearl Harbor!"" the Jewish man said. ""Pearl Harbor? That was the Japanese. I'm Chinese."" ""Chinese, Japanese, you are all the same!"" ""Oh!"" They continued walking and after a while the Chinese man whirled and knocked the Jewish man to the ground. ""What was that for?"" the Jewish man asked. ""That was for the Titanic!"" ""The Titanic? That was an iceberg."" ""Iceberg, Goldberg, you are all the same."""
-Write a joke for this category,Religious,"A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes a woman comes in and says ""Father forgive me for I have sinned."" The priest asks ""What did you do?"". The woman says ""I committed adultery."" Priest: ""How many times?"" Woman: ""Three times."" Priest: ""Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."" A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says ""Father forgive me for I have sinned."" Priest: ""What did you do?"" Man: ""I committed adultery."" Priest:""How many times?"" Man: ""Three times."" Priest: ""Say two Hail Mary's put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."" The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says ""Father forgive me for I have sinned."" Rabbi: ""What did you do?"" Woman: ""I committed adultery."" Rabbi: ""How many times?"" Woman: ""Once."" Rabbi: ""Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5."""
-Write a joke for this category,Religious,"A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying ""Jesus is watching you"". He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, ""Jesus is watching you."" Freaked out, he shone his light around, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. ""Did you say that?"" he hissed at the parrot. ""Yep,"" the parrot confessed, ""I'm just trying to warn you."" The burglar relaxed. ""Warn me, huh? Who the hell are you?"" ""Moses,"" replied the bird. ""Moses"" the burglar laughed. ""What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"" ""Probably the same kind of people that would name a rotweiller Jesus,"" the bird answered."
-Write a joke for this category,Religious,"A man was wandering in the woods, pondering all  the mysteries of life and his own personal problems. The man couldn't find the answers, so he sought help from God.""God? You there, God?"" he asked""Yes. What is it, my son?"" God answered.""Mind if I ask a few questions?"" the man asked.""Go ahead, my son, anything.""""God, what is a million years to you?""God answered, ""A million years to me is only a second.""The man asked, ""God, what is a million dollars worth to you?""God replied, ""A million dollars to me is worth only a penny.""The man lifted his eyebrows and asked his final  question. ""God, can I have a penny?""God answered, ""Sure, give me a second."""
-Write a joke for this category,Religious,"The head of the monastery wanted to check how strong his priests are in resisting temptetion. He called 3 of them to his room, and ordered them to put a small bell on their member. After that, he went to the first guy, and showed him a picture of a gorgeous naked girl. ""Gling Gling"", went the bell, and the head of the monastary was furious: ""you call yourself a monk? you are as weak as a baby!"". He went then to the second guy, and showed him a cover of a dirty porn movie. ""Gling Gling"", went the bell. ""you are a disgrace! get out of my sight!"". Almost in complete dispair, he went to the thirs guy and showed him a cover of a porn-magazine. There was silent. ""Way to go, son, you are the only man here worth to be call a monk"", the head of the monastery said, while putting his hand on him. ""Gling Gling"", went the bell."
-Write a joke for this category,Religious,"The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and wastaking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if hecould drive for awhile. Well, the chauffeur didn'thave much of a choice, so the chauffeur climbs in the backof the limo and the Pope takes the wheel. The Pope proceeds to hop on 95 and starts accelerating to see whatthe limo could do. Well he gets to about 90 mph and, WHAM !, there arethe blue lights of our friendly State Patrol in his mirror. He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. Well thetrooper, seeing who it was, says ""just a moment please I needto call in."" The trooper radio's in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief""I've got a REALLY important person pulled over and I needto know what to do."" The chief replys ""Who is it, not Ted again ?"" The trooper says, ""No, even more important."" The chief replys, ""It's the Governor, is it ?"",the trooper replys ""No, even more important."" ""It's isn'tthe President is it ?"" ""No, more important"", replys the trooper. ""Well WHO the HECK is it !"", screams the chief. ""I don't know "" says the trooper. ""But he's got the Pope as a chauffeur."""
-Write a joke for this category,Religious,"There was a priest who decided to enter a monastery. This monastery had strict vows of silence. On his first day, the head abbot told him he could only speak two words every ten years.At the end of his first ten years, the head abbot told him he could speak his first two words. ""Bed hard!"" he said. The abbot recorded this in a book.At the end of his second ten years, he was told he could speak his next two words. ""Food bad!"" he said. The abbot recorded this in the book as well.At the end of the third ten years, he was allowed to speak his next two words. ""I quit!"" he stated.""Well that doesn't surprise me,"" said the abbot. The record shows you've done nothing by complain for the past thirty years!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Religious,"An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After a while, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.  One day God called to Satan to mock him, ""So, how's it going down there in Hell?""  Satan replied, ""Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."" God was surprised, ""What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here.""  ""No way,"" replied Satan. ""I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him.""  God threatened, ""Send him back up here now or I'll sue!""  Satan laughed and answered, ""Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Religious,"God was tired and worn out. So he spoke to St. Peter.  ""You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?""  St. Peter, thinking, nodded his head, then said, ""How about Jupiter? It's nice and warm there this time of the year.""  God shook His head before saying, ""No, too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back.""  ""Hmmm,"" St. Peter reflected. ""Well, how about Mercury?""  ""No way!"" God muttered. ""It's way too hot for me there!""  ""I've got it,"" St. Peter said, his face lighting up. ""How about going down to Earth for your vacation?"" Chuckling, God remarked, ""Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL talking about it!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Religious,"Bholaji finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask Bhagwan for help. He goes into the temple and begins to pray.“Oh Bhagwan, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery.” Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Bholaji goes back to the temple. ""Bhagwan please let me win the lotto. I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.” Lotto night comes and Bholaji still has no luck. Back to the temple he goes. ""My Bhagwan, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order?""Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts open and Bholaji is confronted by the voice of God: ""Bholaji, buy a damn lottery ticket first."""
-Write a joke for this category,Religious,"A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees her guardian angel and asks if this is her time. The angel says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital for a few more days and have a facelift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrives in heaven again, sees her guardian angel and says, ""I thought you said I had another 30-40 years!!"" The angel replies, ""Sorry. I didn't recognize you."""
-Write a joke for this category,Religious,"One morning a man came into the church on crutches.  He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches. An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen. ""Son, you've just witnessed a miracle,"" the priest said.  ""Tell me where is this man now?"" ""Flat on his butt over by the holy water,"" said the boy."
-Write a joke for this category,Religious,"After many years, a young Jewish Talmud student who had left the old country for America returns to visit the family.""But--where is your beard?"" asks his mother upon seeing him.""Mama,"" he replies, ""in America, nobody wears a beard.""""But at least you keep the Sabbath?""""Mama, business is business. In America, everybody works on the Sabbath.""""But kosher food you still eat?""""Mama, in America, it is very difficult to keep kosher.""The old lady ponders this information and then leans over and whispers in his ear, ""Isaac, tell me--you’re still circumcised?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Religious,"This lady approaches a priest and tells him, ""Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.""  ""What do they say?"" the priest asked.  ""They only know how to say, 'Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'""  ""That's terrible!"" the priest exclaimed, ""But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship.""  ""Thank you,"" said the lady.  The next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.  The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say, ""Hi, we are prostitutes! Do you want to have some fun?""  One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and screams, ""Frank! Put the Bibles away--our prayers have been answered!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Holidays,"A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. One was terribly pessimistic, and the other equally optimistic. One Christmas their father hit upon a way to cure them of their differences. He went out and bought the fanciest, most exciting train set for the pessimistic boy. For the optimist he got a Christmas stocking and filled it with horse manure. Christmas morning came, and after the boys had opened their gifts, the dad asked each what Santa Claus had brought him. ""Well,"" said the pessimist, ""I got a train set, but I'll probably cut myself putting the track together, and it's got an electric transformer, so I'll probably electrocute myself, and, besides, the whole thing will probably break in a week."" The dad was pretty disappointed that he had failed to cheer up the pessimist, but figured he may still have cured the optimistic boy. ""What about you, son,"" he asked the optimist. ""What did you get?"" ""I got a pony!"" he exclaimed, jumping up and down with excitement. ""Only I haven't found it yet!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Religious,"A priest and doctor were out golfing. The doctor gets up to take his first shot. He swings and misses the ball completely. ""God dammit, I missed,"" says the doctor. The sky starts to darken a bit becoming overcast. ""Don't use the Lord God's name in vain,"" says the priest. ""I am sorry, Father,"" replies the doctor. The doctor steps up again to tee off and misses the ball once again. ""God dammit, I missed,"" says the doctor.  The sky darkens even more and a low rumble resounds throughout the land. ""Don't use the Lord God's name in vain,"" says the priest. ""I am sorry, Father,"" replies the doctor. Once again, the doctor tries to take a swing at the ball and completely misses. He throws his club to the ground and yells, ""God dammit, I missed."" The heavens roared and the storm erupted, sending a lightning bolt down and straight into the priest, which struck him dead. Then a booming voice arose from the sky and said, ""Dammit, I missed."""
-Write a joke for this category,Religious,"Three couples -- one elderly, one middle-aged and one newlywed -- wanted to join a church. The priest said, ""We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."" The couples all agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, ""Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"" The old man replied, ""No problem at all, Father."" ""Congratulations! Welcome to the church!"" said the priest.The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, ""Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"" The middle-aged man replied, ""The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights, but, yep, we made it."" ""Congratulations! Welcome to the church,"" said the priest.The priest then went to the newlywed couple and asked, ""Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"" ""No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,"" the young man replied sadly.""What happened?"" inquired the priest.""My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it,"" said the young man. ""When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there.""""You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church,"" stated the priest. ""We know,"" said the young man. ""We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."""
-Write a joke for this category,Religious,"One beautiful morning a athiest was walking through the forest, admiring natures surroundings...He looked up and saw the trees swaying in the wind high above him and smiled...He saw the river glisten in the sun twinkle like a new born star and it made him warm inside...He thought to himself that mother nature had made a true and wonderful world...The athiest had walked a little further down the track he had taken when suddenly a bear jumped out of the bushes only a few yards ahead of him and started growling, looking hungry and ran quickly towards him...Seeing the big bear bounding towards him he screamed in horror and started running as fast as he could away from the bear...Knowing that the bear would catch up to him and he had no chance, the athiest soon ran out of breath and in a few paces fell to the ground... As the bears shadow fell upon his face and his paws come down upon his chest, the athiest screamed ""oh help me god""Suddenly the trees that he so much admired stopped swaying...The river he loved suddenly stopped flowing..And the sky opened up and a voice begun to speak..""I am god, and even though you dont believe in me, i am here for every being on this earth""The athiest felt relieved a little bit and asked god...""Im sort of in this situation, im only asking if you can help me get out of it""God thought for a moment and said...""I will give you one wish to help you and that is all, you may proceed with this wish""The athiest thought about this wish for a moment and then spoke to god.."" Well i dont really want to become a christian, so i wish the bear to become a christian""God spoke...""So be it done""Suddenly the sky closed up...The river turned back into its flowing glory...The trees began to sway again...And the bear clapped his paws together and said...""Thankyou god for this meal im about to recieve"""
-Write a joke for this category,Religious,"Three preachers and their wives were killed in a car accident, upon their arrival at the pearly gates, they were met by St. Peter.The first preacher walked up and said"" Hello St. Peter, I'm ready to come in"".St. Peter checked his list and said"" I'm sorry your name is not in the book.""""What!"" exclaimed the preacher,"" I have been a preacher for thirty years!"" ""Yes"" replied St. Peter,""However,you are guilty of glutteny, you loved food and sweets so much you even married a woman named Candy.""The pastor,defeated took his wifes hand and walked away.The next preacher came up to the St. feeling pretty certain he would be allowed in. ""I'm ready to come in St. Peter"" he said with a smile.""I'm sorry, your name is not in the book.""  ""HOw can that be?"" asked the preacher, ""I have been a pastor for 20 years!""  You are guilty of the sin of greed, you loved money so much, you married a woman named Penny.""  Defeated, the preacher took his wifes hand and walked away.  The last preacher, certain of the out-come, turned to his wife and said, ""Come on Fanny, I'm not gettin' in."""
-Write a joke for this category,Religious,"One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at thelocal church. ""Reverend,"" she said, ""I have a problem, myhusband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's veryembarrassing. What should I do?""""I have an idea,"" said the minister. ""Take this hatpin with you.I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I willmotion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him agood poke in the leg.""In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticingthis, the preacher put his plan to work. ""And who made theultimate sacrifice for you?"" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.""Jesus!"", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with thehatpin.""Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones,"" said the minister. Soon, Mr.Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. ""Who isyour redeemer?"" he asked the congregation, motioning towardsMrs. Jones.""God!"" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.""Right again,"" said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did notnotice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a fewmotions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet herhusband with the hatpin again.The minister asked, ""And what did Eve say to Adam after she borehim his 99th son?""Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, ""You stick thatgoddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in halfand shove it up your ass!""""Amen,"" replied the congregation."
-Write a joke for this category,Religious,"A man joining a monestary was told he was to take a vow of silence and was only to be allowed to speak two words every five years.After the first five years had passed he walked into the chambers of the head Monk and said ""Bed Hard"", then turned and walked out. After the next five years passed he returned to the chambers of the head Monk and said "" Food Cold "", then turned and walked out. After the next five years had passd he once again entered the chambers of the head Monk and said ""I Quit"". The head Monk looked at him and replied. ""Well, that doesn't surprise me one bit, you've done nothing but complain since you got here"""
-Write a joke for this category,Religious,"there two boys and they live in a small little town in virginia. These two boys are especially bad and are always in trouble. after the two boys got cought for steeling one day there mothers sent them to talk to the town priest. So the two boys went to talk to the pastor and the pastor asked the smallest child to come in and talk to him. well the pastor asked the young child ""do you believe in god?"" the young boy answered shyly ""yes"" so the pastor said ok ""do you know where god is?"" the young boy had a puzzled look on his face and said ""nope"" so the pastor said again ""do you know where god is?"" the boy looked back and said ""i alreay told you no"" so the pastor asked a last time ""do you know where god is?"" at that time the boy ran out the room and to his older brother. The older brother asked ""whats wrong?"" the young boy answered ""were in big trouble now"" ""oh well were always in trouble whats the big deal?"" the young boy answered ""now God is missing and they thing we've done it."""
-Write a joke for this category,Computers,"One day, a mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer, and computer engineer were driving down the street in the same car when it broke down.The mechanical engineer said, ""I think a rod broke.""The chemical engineer said, ""The way it sputtered at the end, I think it's not getting enough gas.""The electrical engineer said, ""I think there was a spark and something's wrong with the electrical system.""All three turned to the computer engineer and said, ""What do you think?""The computer engineer said, ""I think we should all get out and then get back in."""
-Write a joke for this category,Computers,"At a recent computer expo (1996 COMDEX), Bill Gates compared the computer industry to the automotive indusrty by stating: ""If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving cars that cost $25.00 and get 1,00 miles to the gallon."" In response to Bills comment, General Motors issued A press release making the following statement: ""If we (GM) had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: 1) for no reson whatsoever, your car would crash twice per day. 2) Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car. 3) Your car would occasionally stop on the freeway without reason. In order to get started again, you would have to pull off to the side of the road, close all the windowsshut off the car resart it and open all the windows again. For some unknown reason, you would simply do this without question. 4) Occasionally, executing a maneuver, such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to resart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 5) Only one person could use the car at one time unless you bought ""Car95"" or ""CarNT"", but then you would also have to buy more seats. 6) The new seats you would need would force everyone to have the same size butt. 7) You would press the ""start"" button to shut off the engine. 8) The oil warning light, water warning light, and alternator warning light would all be replaced by a single ""Unidentified System Error"" light. 9) The air bag would ask ur freshly mangled body ""are you sure"" before going off. 10) Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you back inuntill you simultaneously lifted the driver side door handle, turned the key, and grabbed the radio antenna. 11) The radio antenna would be internally mounted on the passenger side of the car. 12) buying a new car would force you to also purchase a new set of Deluxe Rand McNally road maps, dispite the fact that you niether need nor want them. Attempting to delet this otion would immediately cause your cars performance to diminish by 50% or more. 13) every time GM introduced a new car, people would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the old controls would function in the new car. 14) Macintosh would make a car that was five times faster, ten times more reliable and easier to mantain, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads."""
-Write a joke for this category,Computers,"Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, ""And what starting salary were you looking for?""The engineer said, ""In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."" The interviewer said, ""Well, what would you say to a five-week vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching your retirement fund to 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?""The young engineer sat up straight and said, ""Wow! Are you kidding?""The interviewer replied, ""Yeah, but you started it."""
-Write a joke for this category,Lawyers,"A lawyer was on his deathbed in his bedroom, and he called to his wife. She rushed in and said, ""What is it, honey?""He told her to run and get the bible as soon as possible. Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea. She ran and got it, prepared to read him his favorite verse or something of the sort. He snatched it from her and began quickly scanning pages, his eyes darting right and left. The wife was curious, so she asked, ""What are you doing, honey?""""I'm looking for loopholes!"" he shouted."
-Write a joke for this category,Lawyers,"An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers. 'As I'm sure you can understand,' she started off with one of the first applicants, 'in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.' She leaned forward. 'Mr. Peterson, are you an *honest* lawyer?' 'Honest?' replied the job prospect. 'Let me tell you something about honesty. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.' 'Impressive..... And what sort of case was that?' The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, 'He sued me for the money.'"
-Write a joke for this category,Lawyers,"A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, ""What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?""""I give it to them,"" replied the lawyer, ""and then I send them a bill.""The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer."
-Write a joke for this category,Lawyers,"A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, ""What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?""""I give it to them,"" replied the lawyer, ""and then I send them a bill.""The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer."
-Write a joke for this category,Lawyers,"Q: What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving?  A: Skeet. Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?  A: Their personalities. Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?  A: A tick falls off of you when you die. Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service. Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand? A: Not enough sand. Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? A: There are skid marks in front of the dog. Q: What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?  A: A Doberman. Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever. Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common? A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being. Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? A: They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on. Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull? A: Lipstick. Q:You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a lawyer. A:You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? Shoot the lawyer. Twice."
-Write a joke for this category,Lawyers,"An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, ""Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place.""So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, ""So, how's it going down there in hell?""Satan replies, ""Hey, things are going great.   We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.""God replies, ""What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."" Satan says, ""No way."" I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."" God says, ""Send him back up here or I'll sue.""Satan laughs uproariously and answers, ""Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Lawyers,"A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing ""Love"" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, ""I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'""""But why?"" asks the man.""I'm a divorce lawyer,"" the man replies."
-Write a joke for this category,Lawyers,"NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn’t return to Earth.The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. ""A million dollars,"" he answered, ""because I want to donate it to M.I.T.""The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. ""I want to give a million to my family,"" he explained, ""and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.""The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, ""Three million dollars.""""Why so much more than the others?"" asked the interviewer.The lawyer replied, ""If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars."""
-Write a joke for this category,Lawyers,"A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bed side and handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelopes in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life.A week later the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an envelope in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell. By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelope he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness. The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergymans sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelope, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others.By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. ""I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000."""
-Write a joke for this category,Business,"Three construction contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from New York, another from Texas, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the tour guide asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were construction contractors, the guide said, ""Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?"" So, to the back fence they all went to check it out. First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, ""Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."" Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, ""Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."" Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, ""$2,700."" The guide, incredulous, looked at him and said, ""You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"" ""Easy,"" he said. ""$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Texas."""
-Write a joke for this category,Lawyers,"An old penny pincher had no friends. Just before he died he asked his doctor, lawyer, and pastor to gather around him at bedside.""I have always heard that you can't take it with you. But I want to disprove that theory,"" he said. ""I have $90,000 under my mattress, and when I die, just before they throw the dirt on me at my burial, I want you each to toss in an envelope with $30,000 within.""The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope in the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the pastor said, ""I must confess. I needed $10,000 for my new church, so I only threw in $20,000."" The doctor then said, ""I must confess too. I needed $20,000 for a new hospital I was opening up, so I only threw in $10,000.""The lawyer looked at them both and shook his head. He then said, ""Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don't see how you could dare to go against that man's final wish. I mean, I threw in my personal check for the full amount…"""
-Write a joke for this category,Lawyers,"For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! ""Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?"" he cried. ""I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"" ""Well,"" she said, ""when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."""
-Write a joke for this category,Lawyers,"A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.""Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!"", he whined.""You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!"" retorted the officer, ""You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!""""Oh my gaaad...."", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, ""Where's my Rolex???!!!!!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Lawyers,"The top ten things that sound dirty in law (but aren't!)10.  Have you looked through her briefs? 9.  He is one hard judge! 8.  Counselor, let's do it in chambers. 7.  Her attorney withdrew at the last      minute. 6.  Is it a penal offense? 5.  Better leave the handcuffs on. 4.  For $200 an hour, she better be      good! 3.  Can you get him to drop his suit? 2.  The judge gave her the stiffest one     he could.And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isn't: 1.  Think you can get me off?"
-Write a joke for this category,Lawyers,"A truck driver frequently traveled through a small town where there was a courthouse at the side of the road. Of course, there were always lawyers walking along the road. The truck driver made it a practice to hit any pedestrian lawyers with his truck as he sped by.  One day, he spotted a priest walking along the road and stopped to give him a ride. A little further along, as he approached the town, he spotted a lawyer walking along the side of the road.  Automatically, he veered his truck towards the lawyer, but...then he remembered his passenger. He swerved back to the center, but he heard a ""whump"" and in the rear view mirror he spotted the lawyer rolling across the field.  He turned to the priest and said, ""Father, I'm sure that I missed that lawyer!""  And the priest replied, ""That's OK, my son, I got him with the door."""
-Write a joke for this category,Political,"""Daddy,"" a little girl asked her father, ""do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? """"No, sweetheart,"" he answered. ""Some begin with 'If I am elected.'"""
-Write a joke for this category,Political,"Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, ""You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"" Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, ""Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"" Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. ""You really ARE Einstein!"" he says. ""Welcome to heaven!"" The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks, ""Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"" Saint Peter says, ""Go ahead."" Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk. Saint Peter claps. ""Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!"" he says. ""Come on in!"" Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, ""Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"" George W. looks bewildered and says, ""Who are Einstein and Picasso?"" Saint Peter sighs and says, ""Come on in, George."""
-Write a joke for this category,Political,"The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado in Kansas, and off they spin to the Land of OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.""WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU WANT?""Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly:""I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage.""""No problem"" says the Wizard, ""WHO IS NEXT?""Ronald Reagan steps forward, ""Well.., Well.., Well.., I need a brain.""""Done"" says the Wizard.""Who comes next before the Great Wizard?""Up steps George Bush sadly, ""I'm told by the American people that Ineed a heart.""""I've heard it's true"" says the Wizard. ""Consider it done.""Then there is a great silence.Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, ""WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY!?""And Willie replies - ""Is Dorothy around?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Political,"Before the inauguration, George W. was invited to a 'get acquainted' tour of the White House.  After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked President Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. He was astonished to see that the President had a solid gold urinal!That afternoon, George W. told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. ""Just think,"" he said, ""when I am President, I'll have my own personal gold urinal!""Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private  bathroom, the President had a gold urinal. That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said, ""Well, I found out who peed in your saxophone."""
-Write a joke for this category,Political,"An Israeli doctor said, ""Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks.""  A German doctor said ""That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks.""  A Russian doctor said, ""In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks.""  The American doctor, not to be outdone, said ""Hah! We are about to take an butthole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day."""
-Write a joke for this category,Political,"Two friends are discussing politics on Election Day, each trying to no avail to convince the other to switch sides. Finally, one says to the other: ``Look, it's clear that we are unalterably opposed on every political issue. Our votes will surely cancel out. Why not save ourselves some time and both agree to not vote today?'' The other agrees enthusiastically and they part. Shortly after that, a friend of the first one who had heard the conversation says, ``That was a sporting offer you made.'' ``Not really,`` says the second. ``This is the third time I've done this today``."
-Write a joke for this category,Political,"The last four ex-U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they whirled to OZ. They finally make it to the Emerald City and came before the Great Wizard.""WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ?""Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly:"" I've come for some courage.""""NO PROBLEM!"" says the Wizard. ""WHO IS NEXT?""Ronald Reagan steps forward, ""Well........., I.......I think I need a brain.""""DONE"" says the Wizard.  ""WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?""Up stepped George Bush sadly, ""I'm told by the American people that I need a heart.""""I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE!"" says the Wizard. ""CONSIDER IT DONE.""There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks,  ""WHAT DO YOU WANT?""""Is Dorothy here?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Political,"A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, ""What are all those clocks?"" St. Peter answered, ""Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."" ""Oh,"" said the man, ""whose clock is that?"" ""That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."" ""Incredible,"" said the man. ""And whose clock is that one?"" St. Peter responded, ""That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."" ""Where's Bush's clock?"" asked the man. ""Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."""
-Write a joke for this category,Political,"A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job.  He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person. The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help.  He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office.  He then reached into the Republican's pocket and got out twenty dollars.  He kept $15 for administrative fees and gave the homeless person five."
-Write a joke for this category,Political,"Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency:""Our largest condom factory has exploded,"" the Russian President cried. ""My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!""""Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you,' replied the President.""I do need your help,"" said Yeltsin. ""Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?""""Why certainly! I'll get right on it,"" said Bush.""Oh, and one more small favor, please?"" said Putin.""Yes?""""Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10' long and 4' in diameter?"" said Putin.""No problem,"" replied the President and, with that, George Dubya hung up and called the President of condom company. ""I need a favor, you've got to send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia.""""Consider it done,"" said the President of condom company.""Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10' long and 4' wide.""""Easily done. Anything else?""""Yeah,"" said the President, ""print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE SMALL' on each one."
-Write a joke for this category,Political,"Attorney General Ashcroft was visiting an elementary school.After the typical civics presentation, he announced, ""All right, boys andgirls, you can ask me questions now.""A little boy named Bobby raised his hand and said, ""Mr. Ashcroft, I havethree questions. First, how did Bush win the election with fewer votes thanGore? Second, why are you using the USA Patriot Act to limit Americans'civil liberties? And third, why hasn't the U.S. caught Osama Bin Laden yet?""Just then the bell sounded and all the kids ran out to the playground.After lunch the kids were back in class and Attorney General Ashcroft said,""I'm sorry we were interrupted by the bell. Now, you can ask me questions.""A little girl raised her hand and said, ""Mr. Ashcroft, I have fivequestions. First, how did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?Second, why are you using the USA Patriot Act to limit Americans' civilliberties? Third, why hasn't the U.S. caught Osama Bin Laden yet? Fourth,why did the bell go off 20 minutes early? And fifth, where's Bobby?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Political,"Here are a few important observations, before the election campaign heats-up:Republican boys always expect to grow up and marry Republican girls and please their parents. But they always date Democratic girls because they think they're entitled to a little fun first. Democrats step on bugs.Republicans call an exterminator. Democrats eat the big fish they catch.Republicans have them mounted. Democrats sit on the dock and fish,Republicans expect to have someone else drive the boat. Democrats make a lot of plans, but   don't do much with them.Republicans are still following the  plans their grandfathers made."
-Write a joke for this category,Political,"Bill Clinton, George Bush, a spectacular looking blonde, and a frightfully awful looking fat lady were in a train carriage. After several minutes of the trip, the train passes through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, Clinton has a big red slap mark on his cheek. The blonde thought, 'that rascal Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face.' The fat lady thought, 'that dirty old Bill Clinton laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him.' Bill Clinton thought, 'George put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me.' George Bush thought, 'I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again.'"
-Write a joke for this category,Political,"One day there were three surgeons who were arguing loudly over who was the best surgeon.""Oh yeah,"" the first one yells. ""One day there was this guy who came in with all his fingers cut off, I sewed them back onto his hand, and he's playing piano for the queen of England!""""Oh, that's nothing,"" shouts the second one. ""One day this guy came in with his arms and legs cut off, I sewed back onto his body, and now he's on the Olympic track and swimming teams!""""Oh, that isn't jack compared to what I'VE done,"" bellows the third one. ""One day there was this guy who was riding a horse, on cocaine, got hit by a subway train, and all that was left was the guy's body and the horse's ass, I sewed them together, and now he's the President of The United States!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Political,"A little old lady calls 911. When the operator answers she yells, ""Help, send the police to my house right away! There's a damn Democrat on my front porch and he's playing with himself."" ""What?"" the operator exclaimed. ""I said there is a damn Democrat on my front porch playing with himself and he's weird; I don't know him and I'm afraid! Please send the police!"" the little old lady repeated. ""Well, now, how do you know he's a Democrat?"" ""Because, you damn fool, if it was a Republican, he'd be screwing somebody!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Political,"Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical composers. Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room. ""Who do you want to play?"" Spielberg asked Bruce Willis. ""I've always been a big fan of Chopin,"" said Bruce. ""I'll play him."" ""And you, Sylvester?"" asked Spielberg. ""Mozart's the one for me!"" said Sly. ""And what about you?"" Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger. ""I'll be Bach,"" said Arnie."
-Write a joke for this category,Political,"A 10pm curfew was imposed in Baghdad. Everybody had to be off the streets or risk being shot. However one citizen was shot at 9.45pm.""Why did you do that?"" the soldier was asked by his superior officer.""I know where he lives,"" he replied, ""and he wouldn't have made it."""
-Write a joke for this category,Political,"At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. ""Isn't it true,"" he bellowed, ""that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?""The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.""Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"" the lawyer repeated loudly.The witness still did not respond.Finally, the judge leaned over and said, ""Sir, please answer the question.""""Oh,"" the startled witness said, ""I thought he was talking to you."""
-Write a joke for this category,Political,"George Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted. The first kid said: ""I sure would like to go to Disneyland."" George said: ""No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One."" The second kid said: ""I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."" George said: ""I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"". The third kid said: ""I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!"" George Bush is a little perplexed by this and says: ""But you don't look like you are injured.""  The kid says: ""But I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Political,"The first ladies of UK, Japan and France were having a meeting with Lady Hilary Clinton. The subject of discussion was the private parts of their respective spouses. The first lady of UK says, ""It is like a gentle man- it stands up, as soon as I enter the room""  The lady from Japan says, ""It is like an army officer- you do not know where he will attack from- front or back..""  The French lady says, ""It is like the screen in the auditorium- once the act is performed, it drops down...""  Then Hilary says, ""It's like a rumor... it moves from one mouth to another..."""
-Write a joke for this category,Political,"Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and lo-and-behold, a Genie appeared. Bill was amazed and asked if he got three wishes. The Genie said, ""Nope...Due to inflation, constant downswing, low wages in third world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...What'll it be?"" Bill didn't hesitate. He said, ""I want to be remembered for bringing peace to the Middle East, instead of that other stuff with Monica, and Jennifer, and the rest of those women. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."" The Genie looked at the map of the Middle East and exclaimed, ""Jeez, Fella! These people have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good. I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."" Bill thought for a minute and said, ""You know, people really don't like my wife. Even though she got elected, they call her a carpetbagger. They think she's mean, ugly, and pushes me around. I wish for her to be the most beautiful woman in the world and I want everybody to like her. That's what I want."" The Genie let out a long sigh and said, ""Lemme see that map again."""
-Write a joke for this category,Political,"In a train carriage there was  Bill Clinton, George Bush,  Janet Reno and Bo Derek.  After several minutes of the trip,  the train passes through a  dark tunnel and the unmistakable  sound of a slap is heard.   When they leave the tunnel,  Clinton has a big red slap mark  on his cheek.   (1) Bo Derek thought -  ""That sleazeball Clinton wanted  to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on  Janet Reno, who in turn must  have slapped his face.""   (2) Janet Reno thought -  ""That dirty Bill Clinton laid  his hands on Bo Derek and  she smacked him.""   (3) Bill Clinton thought -  ""George put his hand on  Bo Derek and by mistake  she slapped me.""   (4) George Bush thought -  ""I hope there's another  tunnel soon so I can  smack Clinton again."""
-Write a joke for this category,Political,"A young lady goes to a new doctor for an examination, and he discovers that she has crabs. He thinks to himself ,""How am I going to her that she has crabs?""After the exam he tells her to get dressed and meet him back in his office. Once there he proceeds to tell her that she has a very unusual condition. She is quite concerned and asks him what it is. He responds that she is suffering from Nixon's Disease.She says, ""What?""He again responds, ""Nixon's Disease.""She says, ""Level with me, Doc, what does it mean?""He responds, ""Well Miss Jones, to put it very bluntly, you've got bugs in your oval orifice."""
-Write a joke for this category,Political,"A lady bought a new Lexus. Cost a bundle. Two days later, she brought it back, complaining that the radio was not working.""Madam,"" said the sales manager, ""the audio system in this car is completely automatic. All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to, and you will hear exactly that!""She drove out, somewhat amazed and a little confused. She looked at the radio and said, ""Nelson."" The radio responded, ""Ricky or Willie?"" She was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven, that's what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it.She was stopped at a traffic light enjoying ""On The Road Again"" when the light turned green and she pulled out. Suddenly an enormous sports utility vehicle coming from the street she was crossing sped toward her, obviously not paying attention to the light.  She swerved and narrowly missed a collision.""Idiot!"" she yelled and, from the radio, ""Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States."""
-Write a joke for this category,Political,"A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read: Dear God, Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00."
-Write a joke for this category,Political,"Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, ""You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?""  Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, ""Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?""  Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.  Saint Peter is suitably impressed. ""You really ARE Einstein!"" he says. ""Welcome to heaven!""  The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.  Picasso asks, ""Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?""  Saint Peter says, ""Go ahead.""  Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.  Saint Peter claps. ""Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!"" he says. ""Come on in!""  Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, ""Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?""  George W. looks bewildered and says, ""Who are Einstein and Picasso?""  Saint Peter sighs and says, ""Come on in, George."""
-Write a joke for this category,Political,"""No clergyman shall tell a funny story from the pulpit"" (West Virginia). In Atlanta, GA, it is illegal to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp.Federal law forbids recycling used eyeglasses in the United States. Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.Elephants may not be used to plow cotton fields. (North Carolina)""Dancing cheek-to-cheek is prohibited"" (California). It was proposed in the Rhode Island legislature in the 1970s that there be a $2 tax on every act of sexual intercourse. ""It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing."" (Texas) An ancient law in Indonesia prohibited men from masturbating. The punishment was decapitation. It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. (Alabama)In ancient Rome, people found guilty of murdering their fathers were executed in a bizarre manner. The punishment was to be put in a sack with a rooster, a viper, and a dog, then drowned along with all three animals. In Colombia, if a Goajiro woman is successful in tripping a man during a ceremonial dance, he's required to have intercourse with her.When gentlemen in medieval Japan wished to seal an agreement, they urinated together, crisscrossing their streams of urine.In Arkansas, law states that the name must be pronounced ""Arkansaw"". Early in 1975, the U.S. Senate actually voted on the following:""A motion to table a motion to reconsider a vote to table an appeal of a ruling that a point of order was not in order against a motion to table another point of order against a motion to bring to a vote the motion to call up the resolution that would institute a rules change.""It's illegal in Newcastle, WY to have sex in a butcher shop's meat freezer.""It is illegal to give a drink of water to anyone unless you have a permit"" (New York).""It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water."" (Arizona)It is illegal to hunt camels in the state of Arizona. In July 1981, a tortoise was sentenced to death for murder. Tribal elders in Kyuasini, a village in Kenya, formally condemned the tortoise because they suspected it of causing the death of six people, apparently through magic. However, because none of the villagers was prepared to risk the tortoise's wrath by carrying out the execution, it was instead chained to a tree. The tortoise was later freed after the government promised an official inquiry into the deaths.In Turkey during the 16th and 17th centuries, anyone caught drinking coffee was put to death. An Athens legislator named Solon passed a law in the 6th century that let fathers sell their fornicating daughters into slavery. It was the law in Scotland in 1288 that for each year known as ""lepe yeare"" any maiden lady could ask the man she liked to be her husband. If he refused and didn't have a good excuse he would be ""mulcted of ye sum of one pound or less"" (essentially, he would owe her a dollar). France enacted a similar law a year later. At one time, there was a law in India that forbade lower-caste people from casting their shadows on a member of the Brahman (the upper class). After January 14th you will be charged a fine for having your Christmas decorations still up. (Maine)In the kingdom of Bhutan, all citizens officially become one year older on New Year’s Day. 'Turtle racing is prohibited within the city limits"" (Florida). Citizens of Monaco are prohibited from gambling in Monte Carlo, but they're exempt from taxation. It's illegal to have sex on a parked motorcycle in London. ""It is illegal to lasso a fish"" (Tennessee).In 1659, the General Court of Massachusetts ordered that anybody caught feasting or laying off from work, or in any other way goofing off on any other day other than Christmas, would be fined five shillings for each such offense.Rapists in Nambia can choose either castration or 20 years of hard labor.""It is against the law to advertise on tombstones"" (Virginia).""Dogcatchers are required to be psychoanalyzed by a psychiatrist to determine if they are qualified to chase stray mutts"" (Texas).Up until the early 20th century, New Jersey and Wisconsin had laws allowing the castration of epileptics.Belgium is the only country that has never imposed censorship for adult films."
-Write a joke for this category,Sex,"A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ""Take this jar home and nbring me back a sample tomorrow."" The next day the 75 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: ""Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand. but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands, and her mouth too, but nothing."" The doctor was stunned. ""You asked your neighbor?"" The old man replied, ""Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the darn jar open!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Political,Hillary Clinton dies and goes to heaven.Standing outside the perly gates ahe ask ST. Peter what all those clocks were for behind him. He says they are lie clocks everyone has one. He says see this one its Abe Lincolns the hands have only moved one time stateing that he only told one lie in his life. And this one is Mother Terasa's it hasnt moved at all showing she didnt tell not one lie. Hillary then ask well wheres Bills clock. To witch St. Peter replies its hanging in Jesus office he is useing it as a celing fan.
-Write a joke for this category,Political,"A little boy goes to his dad and asks, ""What's politics?""  Dad says, "" Well son, let me try to explain it this way:  I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her he Working Class. Now your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.""  So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him, he finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to is parent's room and finds his mother fast asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.  The next morning, the little boy says to to his father "" I think I understand Politics now."" The father replies, ""Good son, tell me in your own words what you think it is."" The boy promptly answers, ""Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is asleep, the People are being ignored, and the Future is in deep trouble."""
-Write a joke for this category,Political,"Hillary Clinton went into a pet shop and found a beautiful parrot. ""Does this parrot talk?"" she asked. ""Yes, he does,"" the manager told her. ""But why is this one only $50 and all the others are $500?"" ""Well, ma'am,"" the manager explained, ""not everyone would want to own this parrot since he spent years in a whore house and his language is somewhat foul."" ""Well, I want him,"" she said. ""Suit yourself,"" the manager shrugged. When Hillary got the parrot back to the White House, she uncovered his cage and admired the bird. The parrot tilted his head to one side, looked her straight in the eye and said, ""New house, new madam."" Hillary laughed. Soon, Chelsea and a friend came in and began admiring the bird. ""New house, new whores,"" the parrot observed. Hillary explained the bird's history to Chelsea and her friend, so they too, laughed. Later, the President entered the living quarters. The parrot took one look at him and said, ""Hi, Bill!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Yo Mama,"Your momma is so poor when somebody asked her where the bathroom was in her house, she said ""pick a corner.""Youre momma is so dumb she tried to drown a fishYour momma is so dumb she stole free breadYour momma is so dumb she got locked in a grocery store and starved to deathYour momma is so dumb she took a spoon to the super bowlYour momma is so old Moses is in her yearbookYour momma is so fat her yearbook picture was taken by sateliteYour momma is so dumb when the baseball coach told her to run home with the ball, she literally ran home with the ball"
-Write a joke for this category,Yo Mama,yo mama so dumb she so dumb that on her way to disney worldshe saw a sign that said disney world left so she turned around and went back home.yo mama so fat she makes godzilla look like an action figure.yo mama's breath stink so bad people look forward to her farts.yo mama so fat when the cops drove by and saw her on the corner they yelledhey you guys break it up.yo mams so fat her belt size is equatoryo mama so fat when her beeper goes off people think shes backing up.
-Write a joke for this category,Yo Mama,"The owner of this drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against the wall. The owner asks the clerk, ""What's with that guy over there by the wall""? The clerk replies, ""Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative"". The owner yells, ""You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives""! The clerk says, ""Of course you can! Look at him; he's afraid to cough""!"
-Write a joke for this category,Police Jokes,"1st Officer: ""Guess who I pulled over in a traffic stop the other day?"" 2nd Officer: ""Who?"" 1st Officer: ""Janet Jackson!"" 2nd Officer: ""What she do, was she speeding?"" 1st Officer: ""Nah, she had one headlight out."""
-Write a joke for this category,"Family, Parents","Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and proudly announced to the first man, ""Congratulations, sir. You're the father of twins!"" ""What a coincidence! I work for the Minnesota Twins Baseball team!"" Later the nurse returned and congratulated the second father on the birth of his triplets. ""Wow! That's incredible! I work for the 3M Corporation."" An hour later, the nurse returned to congratulate the third man on the birth of his quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply, ""I don't believe it! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"" After this, everyone turned to the fourth guy who had just fainted. The nurse rushed to his side. As he slowly gained consciousness, they could hear him mutter over and over, ""I should never have taken that job at 7-Eleven. I should never have taken that job at 7-Eleven. I should never have taken that job...."""
-Write a joke for this category,Office Jokes,"The CEO of a Vacuum Cleaner company was impatient with the poor job his salespeople were doing, so one day he decided to do the job himself. He pulled up to an old house in his Mercedes Benz and knocked on the door. A little old barefoot man wearing overalls answered the knock on the door, only to be confronted by the very well dressed and dignified CEO in a $2,000 navy blue pin-striped business suit, a Hermes silk tie, a starched white shirt with monogrammed cufflinks, $700 shoes polished like black mirrors, and carrying a vacuum cleaner. ""Good morning,"" said the well-dressed and impeccably groomed CEO. ""If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."" ""Get lost, Mister fancy suit!"" said the old man. ""I haven't got any money"" and he proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the CEO wedged his polished shoe in the door and pushed it wide open. ""Don't be too hasty!"" he said. ""Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."" The old man again told him to get lost. And with that, the CEO emptied a bucket of mud all over his hallway carpet. ""If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this mess from your carpet, sir, I will personally eat the remainder. I am the CEO! You have my GUARANTEE!"" ""I got a better idea"" said the old man, ""If you don't clean it all up, I'll swap those fancy clothes of yours fer my overalls. Your nice suit, your tie, your shoes, everything!"" ""Fine, sir!"" said the CEO confidently. ""I'll give you my clothes!"" ""Lemme ask you somethin', pal...Where are you goin' when you leave here?"" The CEO answered very confidently: ""To a VERY important conference! WHY?"" ""Will they let you in if yer barefoot?"" said the old man. ""Of course not!"" said the CEO. ""How much did you pay for those socks you'v got on?"" asked the old man. ""Fifty dollars"" said the bewildered CEO. ""I ain't never worn fifty dollar socks before!"" said the old man. ""It will be kinda hard for you to wear overalls to work, I guess!"" said the old man. ""WHAT?!"" said the confused CEO. ""And will you show how me to tie a necktie?"" said the old man... One hour later, the door of the apartment opened, and the CEO carefully looked out. Seeing that no one was around, his foot appeared. A bare foot. He stepped out into the hallway - dressed only in overalls and bare feet. His expensive executive suit and tie had vanished, along with his confidence and dignity. The old man watched him run away to his car with a grin, admiring the expensive pinstriped suit and silk tie he had just acquired. He then sat down and pulled on the CEO's fifty dollar socks and gleaming shoes. ""Now I gotta see about payin' that electric bill..."""
-Write a joke for this category,Light Bulbs,"Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?  A: One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY? BECAUSE NO-ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12' DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS #@*$!#@ HOUSE!"
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces.To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result -- the door bounced back open.Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said: ""Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.""I have just the thing,"" says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. ""Just place this between your cheek and gum."" The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, ""And what if I swallow it?""""No problem,"" says the barber. ""Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"My wife came home yesterday and said, ""Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is."" I asked her what it was and she told me it has water in the carburetor.I thought for a moment, then said, ""You know I don't mean this badly, but you don't know the carburetor from the accelerator.""""No, there's definitely water in the carburetor"" she insisted.""OK, Honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is the car?""""In the lake."""
-Write a joke for this category,"Family, Parents","The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of West Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court. But custody of the children was a problem.The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children. The judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and replied, ""Judge, when I put a dollar in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Money,"A kid called up his mum from his college and asked her for some money, because he ran out of it. Mum said, ""Sure, sweetie. Mum will send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?""""Uhh, oh yeah, o.k."" Responded the kid.So Mum wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, Dad asked, ""Well how much did you give the boy this time?Mum said, ""Oh, I wrote 2 checks for him, one for $20, and the other for $1000.""That's $1020!!!"" yelled Dad, ""Are you crazy???""""Don't worry hon,"" Mum said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, ""I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 19!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Heaven and Hell,"Three men languished in Purgatory.After a while, they began talking to one another.Eventually, they got around to the age-old question asked by internees everywhere: ""Whaddya in for?""The first man sighed, rolled his eyes heavenward and said ""Allah forgive me!I am a Moslem, and I once drank beer with my lunch.""The second man looked ruefully at his bound hands and said ""May the Master of the Universe be truly merciful!I am a Jew, and I had a ham-and-cheese sandwich for lunch.""The third guy remained quiet for some time, staring at the floor in abject misery.The other two prompted him gently, and finally resorted to shaking him, shouting ""Come on man!What did you do that was so awful?""The third guy, choking back a sob, said ""I guess I may as well tell you guys... you've been so honest with me.I'm an Episcopalian and, God help me, I used the wrong fork!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Old Age,"A guy was invited to an old friends' home for dinner.His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.The guy was impressed since he knew the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, ""I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names.""His buddy hung his head. ""To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."""
-Write a joke for this category,Farmers,"A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.The old farmer said he had buried them.The sheriff asked the old farmer, ""Were they ALL dead?""The old farmer replied, ""Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."""
-Write a joke for this category,Old Age,"A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled. Finally the little girl asks, ""Grandpa, did God make you?"" ""He sure did honey, a long time ago,"" replies her grandpa. ""Well, did God make me?"" asks the little girl. ""Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago,"" answers her grandpa. ""Boy,"" says the little girl, ""He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Q. What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?A. A lobotomy.Q. What did the lawyer name his daughter?A. Sue.Q. Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?A. They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.Q. What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?A. Lipstick.Q. What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?A. Skeet.Q. It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?) ...A. It was SO cold ... that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?A. In the city morgue.Q. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?A. If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, They cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever."
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"The world's most widely seen warning label: ""Intel Inside""Windoze 95/98 Tech Support response: ""It's not a bug, it's a feature.""Apple: ""We may not do everything right, but at least we knew the century was going to change."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,Q: Why do the Spice Girls work 7 days a week?A: So you don't have to retrain them on Mondays.Q: How do you get a Spice Girl's eyes to twinkle?A: Shine a torch in her ear.Q: What do you call a Spice Girl with two brain cells?A: Pregnant.
-Write a joke for this category,Blind Jokes,"One day, this woman went to a bait shop to get her husband a fishing reel for his birthday. After selecting one, she inquired as to its cost. The owner replied, ""I'm sorry, ma'am, but I'm blind and cannot see what reel you have. If you drop it on the floor, I'll recognize it and be of more help."" So she did just that.After hearing it hit the floor, the owner said, ""That's the Johnson Model 9400. It'll be $40.00.""The woman decided to take it so she went to pick it up off the floor. Upon bending over, she laid a stinky, sqeaky fart.The owner rang up the sale and said, ""That'll be fifty dollars."" ""Fifty dollars?!?!"" the woman exclaimed. ""You just told me that is was forty dollars a moment ago!""""Yes, I did"", said the owner, ""But that was for the reel. The duck call is another $7.50 and the stink bait is $2.50."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Joe, the Governor's most trusted assistant, died in his sleep one night. The Governor had depended on Joe for advice on every subject, from pending bills to wardrobe decisions. In addition, Joe had been his closest friend.So, it was understandable that the Governor didn't take kindly to the droves of ambitious office seekers who wanted Joe's job. ""They don't even have the decency to wait until the man is buried,"" the Governor muttered.At the funeral, one eager beaver made his way to the Governor's side. ""Governor,"" the man said, ""is there a chance that I could take Joe's place?""""Certainly,"" the governor replied. ""But you'd better hurry. I think the undertaker is almost finished."""
-Write a joke for this category,Farmers,"A number of years ago there was a proposed merger between Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers. Rumor had it that the new company would be called Fairwell Honeychild.There is a merger in the works involving Polygram Records, Warner Bros. and Keebler. It will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker.There has long been a rumor that W. R. Grace Co. was going to buy the Fuller Brush Co. and Mary Kay Cosmetics and then merge with the Hale Business Systems. This would result in the new mega-corporation Hale Mary Fuller Grace.Don't forget the failed merger between Yahoo and Netscape: Net'n'Yahoo. It didn't work out because they were afraid they would have to relocate the headquarters to Tel Aviv.Others in the works:3M & Goodyear = mmmGoodJohn Deere & Abitibi-Price = Deere AbiHoneywell & Imasco & Home Oil = Honey, I'm HomeDenison Mines & Alliance & Metal Mining = Mine, All Mine3M & JC Penney & Canadian Opera Company = 3 Penney OperaGrey Poupon + Dockers Pants = Poupon PantsKnott's Berry Farm + National Organization of Women = Knott NOWCrabtree & Evelyn and Apple Computer = Crab AppleSwissair & Cheseborough-Ponds = SwisscheeseZippo Manufacturing & Audi & Dofasco & Dakota Mining = Zip Audi Do Da"
-Write a joke for this category,Music,"A woman always wanted an expensive car -- a status symbol to drive around and be seen in. She scrimps and saves, goes to the BMW dealer, and plops down several years of income for a brand new state-of-the-art, computer enhanced dream mobile.She's driving off. Decides she wants some music and searches for the radio. The dashboard looks like a control panel at NASA. She fiddles with this button, that gizmo... jiggles these and those, but finally gives up.Furious, she races back to the dealership and screams at the salesman. Tells him they forgot to install the radio. He assures her it's right there in front of her. It's hooked into the onboard computer. All she has to do is tell it what she wants.He demonstrates:""Classical,"" he says. ""click"" The car fills with the sounds of Paganini.""Blues,"" she says, and ""click"" a B.B. King classic plays.She drives off amazed.""Country,"" she says, and ""click"" a Garth Brooks tune comes on.""Folk"" and ""click"" Joan Baez sings about the night they drove ol' Dixie down.""New Age"" and ""click"" Yanni at the Acropolis snaps on.She's so captivated by this new toy that she isn't paying much attention to the road.Another driver runs a light and cuts her off. ""JERK!!!"" she screams. ""click"" ""Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"The boss called in his star salesman and said, ""I notice on your last expense report you entered '$50 for women' I don't really mind you having a good time and entertaining our clients, but you should be more discreet. From now on list those expenses as being for hunting."" After that, the salesman's expense account regularly included items of ""$50 for hunting."" But then one month the first entry read, ""$300 for cleaning rifle."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer?A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker.Q: What do engineers use for birth control?A: Their personalities.Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.Q: Why did the engineers cross the road?A: Because they looked in the file and that's what they did last year.Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold a road map the wrong way."
-Write a joke for this category,Money,"Dear Bill, I have been unable to sleep since I broke off your engagement to my daughter. Will you forgive and forget? I was much too sensitive about your mohawk, tattoo and pierced nose. I now realize that motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really should not have reacted that way to the fact that you have never held a job. I am sure, too, that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the park. Sure my daughter is only 18 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard on full scholarship. After all, you can't learn everything about life from books. I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses, and you have my full blessing to marry my daughter. Sincerely, Your future father-in-law P.S. Congratulations on winning the Lottery !!!"
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Math through the ages Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.  His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit? Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.  His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit? Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set ""L"" of lumber for a set  ""M"" of money. The cardinality of set ""M"" is 100. Eachelement is worth one  dollar.Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set ""M"". The set  ""C"",the cost of productioncontains 20 fewer points than set ""M"". Represent the  set ""C"" as a subset of set ""M"" and answer the following question: What is the  cardinality of the set ""P"" for profits? Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.  Her cost of production is $80 and her profit is $20. Your assignment:  Underline the number 20. Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger  makes $20. What do you think of this way of making aliving? Topic for  class participation after answering the question:How did the forest birds and  squirrels feel as the logger cut downthe trees? There are no wrong answers. Teaching Math in 1996: By laying off 40% of its loggers, acompany  improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How muchcapital gain per share  does the CEO make by exercising his stockoptions at $80? Assume capital  gains are no longer taxed,because this encourages savings. Teaching Math in 1997: A company outsources all of its loggers.The firm  saves on benefits, and when demand for its product isdown, the logging  work force can easily be cut back. The averagelogger employed by the company  earned $50,000, had three weeksvacation, a nice retirement plan and medical  insurance. Thecontracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a  good move? Teaching Math in 1998: A laid-off logger with four kids at home anda  ridiculous alimony from his first failed marriage comes into thelogging  company corporate offices and goes postal, mowing down16 executives and a  couple of secretaries, and gets lucky when henails a politician on the  premises collecting his kickback. Wasoutsourcing the loggers a good move  for thecompany? Teaching Math in 1999: A laid-off logger serving time in Folsom for  blowing away several people is being trained as a COBOLprogrammer in  order to work on Y2K projects. What is theprobability that the automatic cell  doors will open on their own as of00:01, 01/01/2000?"
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Top 13 best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:  13. ""They told me at the blood bank this might happen."" 12. ""This is just a 15 minute power-nap that they raved about  in the last time management course you sent me to."" 11. ""Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"" 10. ""I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement  and envisioning a new paradigm!"" 9. ""This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"" 8. ""I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance."" 7. ""I was actually doing a ""Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan"" (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made  me attend."" 6. ""I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who  practice Yoga?"" 5. ""Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a  solution to our biggest problem."" 4. ""The coffee machine is broken . . . "" 3. ""Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"" 2. ""I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens  without hands."" And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: 1. ""Amen"""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"The young reporter covering Isreali politics took an apartment within sight of the Wailing Wall. Each day she would watch the faithful pray.One rabbi in particular stood out, so fervent were his prayers.One evening she approached him;""Rabbi, I'm a reporter from America, from my window, each day, I see you pray in the morning and evening at this wall faithfully and with great zeal. How long have you been doing this?""""I pray at the wall, twice a day for 30 years."" was the reply.""Tell me Rabbi, what is it that you pray for?""""I pray at the wall for peace. Peace of mind, peace among nations, peace among families, peace among friends, peace among all people. Each day, twice a day, I come to the wall and I pray."" ""Tell me Rabbi, when you pray, are your prayers answered?""What are you kidding? It's like talking to a wall!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.One old lady turns to the other and asks, ""Do you still get horny?""The other replies, ""Oh, sure I do.""The first old lady asks, ""What do you do about it?""The second old lady replies, ""I suck a lifesaver.""After a few moments, the first old lady asks, ""Who drives you to the beach?"
-Write a joke for this category,Computers,"DR. SEUSS EXPLAINS COMPUTERSIf a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.Quickly turn off the computer. . . . and be sure to tell your mom."
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"11 people were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest.Ten were blonde, one was a brunette.As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn't happen the rope would break and everyone would perish.For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered. Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others.The blondes applauded."
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"A US Commerce Department Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. ""This will look nice on my mantelpiece,"" he decides, and takes it home with him.While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. ""I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!""He gets his Pepsi and drinks it.Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish.""I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside."" Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully.He eagerly gives the genie his third and final wish: ""I wish I'd never have to work ever again.""POOF! He's back in his government office."
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"WHY AIRPLANES ARE BETTER THAN WOMENl. An airplane will kill you quickly...a woman takes her time.2. Airplanes like to do it inverted.3. Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.4. An airplane's thrust to weight ratio is higher.5. An airplane does not get mad if you 'touch and go.'6. An airplane does not object to a preflight inspection.7. Airplanes come with manuals.8. Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.9. You can fly an airplane any time of the month.10. Airplanes don't come with in-laws.11. Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.12. Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you have flown.13. When flying, you and your airplane both arrive at the same time.14. Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes, or if you buy airplane magazines. 15. It's OK to use tiedowns on your airplane."
-Write a joke for this category,"Family, Parents","A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her ""no."" The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, ""Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset.It won't be long.""He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, ""There, there, Ellen, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out.""The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today. The mother patiently said, ""Ellen, we'll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap.""The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. ""I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen..."" The mother broke in, ""My little girl's name is Tammy... I'm Ellen."""
-Write a joke for this category,Sex,"The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest, and asked if the priest would hear his confession.""Of course, my son,"" said the priest.""Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.""""That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess,"" said the priest.""It's worse, Father. I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors,"" continued the old man.""Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly,"" said the priest.""Thanks, Father,"" said the old man.""That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?""""Of course,my son,"" said the priest.The old man asked, ""Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"""My wife dresses to kill.She cooks the same way.""  ...Henny Youngman ""My wife and I were happy for twenty years.Then we met.""  ...Rodney Dangerfield ""I was married by a judge.I should have asked for a jury.""  ...George Burns"
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"A Mr. Jones was sued by a Mrs. Johnson for defamation of character.She charged that he had called her a pig.Mr. Jones was indeed found guilty and fined.After the trial he asked the judge, ""Your Honor, this means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?""The judge said that was true.""Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?"" the man asked.The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig 'Mrs. Johnson' with no fear of legal action.Mr. Jones grinned, looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, ""Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"The Secret Service has added a $1M security system to the President and Hillary's new home in suburban New York. The security system includes bullet proof windows, flood lights, and an alarm that goes off whenever Hillary's on her way home."
-Write a joke for this category,"Family, Parents","MURPHY'S LAWS FOR PARENTS1. The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.2. Leakproof thermoses--will.3. The chances of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.4. The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends.5. The shirt your child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be washed or mended.6. Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than other clothing.7. The item your child lost, and must have for school within the next ten seconds, will be found in the last place you look. [By definition]8. Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters the treatment room.9. Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of the refrigerator.10. Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically increase if you drive your child to school in your robe and curlers."
-Write a joke for this category,Ethnic Jokes,"There are many stories related to the sinking of the ""Titanic"". Some have  just come to light due to the success of the recent movie. For example, most  people don't know  that back in 1912 Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The  ""Titanic"" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery  in Vera Cruz, Mexico which  was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City. The  Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the  loss. So much so that they  declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today. It is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo."
-Write a joke for this category,Computers,"IF OPERATING SYSTEMS WERE THE AIRLINES UNIX Airways  Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come  to the airport.They all go out on the runway and put the  plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what  kind of plane they are supposed to be building. Air DOS  Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump  on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again.  Then they push again, jump on again, and so on ... Mac Airlines  All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents  look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions  about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't  need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done  for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up. Windows Air  The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards,  easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off.After  about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning  whatsoever. Windows NT Air  Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes,  and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius  when it explodes. Linux Air  Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to  start their own airline.They build the planes, ticket counters,  and pave the runways themselves.They charge a small fee to  cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download  and print the ticket yourself.When you board the plane, you  are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the  seat-HOWTO.html.Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is  very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without  a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful.You try to  tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but  all they can say is, ""You had to do what with the seat?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Three convicts were on the way to prison.They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time whilst stuck behind bars.On the bus, one turned to another and said, ""So, what did you bring?"" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could.He wanted to become the ""Grandma Moses of Jail.""   Then he asked the first, ""What did you bring?"" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, ""I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games."" The third convict was sitting quietly aside grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, ""Why are you so smug?What did you bring?"" The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled.""I brought these."" The other two were puzzled and asked, ""What can you do with those?"" He grinned and pointed to the box and said, ""Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating..."""
-Write a joke for this category,"Family, Parents","REDNECK JEDI You might be a Redneck Jedi if..... ==> You ever heard the phrase, ""May the force be with y'all.""  ==> Your Jedi robe is camouflage.  ==> You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.  ==> At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.  ==> You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.  ==> You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.  ==> The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.  ==> Wookies are offended by your B.O.  ==> You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you  didn't have to wait for a commercial.  ==> You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.  ==> Your father has ever said to you, ""Shoot, son come on over to the  dark side ... it'll be a hoot.""  ==> You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock  thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.  ==> You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your  land-speeder.  ==> You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.  ==> You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in  through the window.  ==> Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt  had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.  ==> You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.  ==> You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood  deck.  ==> You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina  scene.  ==> If you hear . . . ""Luke, I am your father...and your uncle"""
-Write a joke for this category,Religious,"A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, ""When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.""So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.He proceed to talk up a storm.Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp it.2.There are 10 Commandments, not 12.3.There are 12 Disciples, not 10.4.Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.5.Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.6.We do not refer to Jesus as the late J.C.7.The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.8.David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.9.When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.10. We do not refer to the Cross as the Big T!11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, ""Take this and eat it, for it is my body"", he did not say, ""Eat Me"".12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as, ""Mary with the Cherry"".13. The reccommended grace before a meal is not: ""Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. Yeah God!""14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's."
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Judi is explaining to Monika the bad day she'd had at work.Judi's boss had suffered a heart attack and died.Monika said, ""How horrible!What did you do?"" Judi shook her head.""There was nothing I *could* do.He kept yelling at me to call 9-1-1, but he wouldn't tell me the rest of the numbers!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Animals,"Top Ten Signs Your Dog Doesn't Like Your Husband:1. Your dog keeps running away, but you alwaysknow where to find him: In front of your ex-boyfriend's door.2. He brings your husband his slippers and he brings you the car keys.3. He eats a load full of grass in the backyard, comes back in the house and waits by your husband's shoes.4. When he eats his dogfood, he gags everytime your husband walks past him.5. After your wedding, your dog played dead for a week.6. You notice that all the other dogs in the neighborhood keep giving your husband dirty looks.7. When he's supposed to bring your husband the paper, the only part he brings are the ""apartments for rent."" 8. When your husband walks the dog, your dog tries to drag him to another neighborhood.9. When you come home, your dog comes running over to greet you. When your husband comes home, the dog sits down and starts scraping his butt along the carpeted floor.10. Your husband's cat has been missing for days."
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"A couple of carpet layers are installing new carpeting in the home of a pompous rich woman. They get the carpet all layed and one of them can't find his pack of cigarettes. He checks his pockets, etc., until finally his buddy spots a lump under the carpet.""Geez, he says, we better handle this before she sees it.""He goes to pull the carpet away from the wall when his buddy says,""Wait, I have an easier way.""He takes his hammer and pounds the lump flat. Just then, the woman comes in and asks frantically,""Have you seen my toy poodle?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Police Jokes,"The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered on the first ring, ""Hello?""Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, ""Is your Daddy home?"".""Yes."", whispered the small voice.May I talk with him?"", the man asked.To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, ""No.""Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, ""Is your Mommy there?"".""Yes."", came the answer.""May I talk with her?"".Again the small voice whispered, ""No.""Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.""Is there any one there besides you?"", the boss asked the child.""Yes"", whispered the child, ""A policeman.""Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, ""May I speak with the policeman?"".""No, he's busy."", whispered the child.""Busy doing what?"", asked the boss.""Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman."", came the whispered answer.Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, ""What is that noise?"".""A hello-copper."", answered the whispering voice.""What is going on there?"", asked the boss, now alarmed.In an awed whispering voice the child answered, ""The search team just landed the hello-copper!""Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, ""Why are they there?""Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, ""They're looking for me!"""
-Write a joke for this category,State Jokes,"The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived.The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo.""This"", he said, ""is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it"".At which a Clever Dick stepped forward - there is always one - and spoke into the Ultimate Computer's microphone. ""Where is my father""? he asked.There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out. On it were printed the words ""Fishing off Florida"". Clever Dick laughed.""Actually"", he said, ""my father is dead""!It had been a tricky question!!The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet,immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?Clever Dick thought, went to the Ultimate Computer and this time said, ""Where ismy mother's husband""? Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights. And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words:""Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida."""
-Write a joke for this category,Animals,"A man running a little behind schedule arrives at a picture theatre, goes in to watch the movie that has already started, and as his eyes adjust to the darkness, he is surprised to see a dog sitting beside its master in the row ahead, intently watching the movie. It even seemed to be enjoying the movie: wagging its tail in the happy bits, drooping its ears at the sad bits, and hiding its eyes with its paws at the scary bits. After the movie, the man approaches the dogs owner, ""Jeez mate, your dog really seemed to enjoy the movie. I'm amazed!""""Yes, I'm amazed also,"" came the reply. ""He hated the book."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Two men held up a bank.They cleaned out the cash drawers and then herded the tellers and clerks into the vault.They were getting ready to make their getaway when one of the tellers whispered, ""Hey, buddy, would you do me a favor?""One of the robbers said, ""What's on your mind, pal?""""Would you mind taking the books, too?I'm five thousand short."""
-Write a joke for this category,Police Jokes,"A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police.Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department. They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department.The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway.The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, ""Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?""The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. He was led to say, ""Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops, a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, ""Big John doesn't pay!"" and sat down at the back.The next day the same thing happened-Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself.So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, ""Big John doesn't pay!,"" the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, ""And why not?""With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, ""Big John has a bus pass."""
-Write a joke for this category,Money,"A man with no arms walked up to a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him. ""Look,"" said the customer, ""I have no arms - would you please hold the glass up to my mouth?"" ""Sure"", said the bartender, and he did. ""Now,"" said the customer, ""I wonder if you'd be so kind as to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth."" ""Certainly."" And it was done. ""If,"" said the armless man, ""you'd reach in my right hand pants pocket, you'll find the money for the beer."" The bartender got it. ""You've been very kind,"" said the customer. ""Just one thing more. Where is the men's room?"" ""Out the door,"" said the bartender, ""turn left, walk two blocks, and there's one in a filling station on the corner."""
-Write a joke for this category,Police Jokes,"The Army Airborne major was used to harassment from Air Force fliers about crazy Army paratroopers jumping out of perfectly good aircraft.""Obviously the Air Force knows there's no such thing as a 'perfectly good aircraft,'"" the irritated officer finally countered one afternoon, ""because they pay you bastards four times as much to stay in one as the Army pays its men to jump.""""You've got it all wrong, Major,"" an Air Force sergeant replied.""The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump out of an airplane voluntarily is gonna be too dumb to complain about the salary."""
-Write a joke for this category,Science,"A guy went into a bookshop and asked the salesgirl if she had a book called, ""How to Master Your Wife.""The salesgirl said, ""Our science fiction section is upstairs."""
-Write a joke for this category,Religious,"Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, ""You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."" Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, ""OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?""""Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."" So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, ""Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"" Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky. ""No, no, just name anyone else,"" Bubba says.""President Clinton, ""his boss quickly retorts.""Yes,"" Bubba says, ""I know him, let's fly out to Washington."" And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, ""Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."" Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.""The Pope,"" his boss replies.""Sure!"" says Bubba. ""My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."" So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, ""This will never work I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."" And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, ""What happened?"" His boss looks up and says, ""I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, ""Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"The distinguished professor and his chauffeur were talking one day on the way to the next speaking engagement, and the driver said, ""I've sat in the back and listened to your presentation so many times that I can give it just as well as you can.""The professor said ""I'll bet you can't. Just to prove it, we'll trade clothes in the hotel, and I'll sit in the back.""The chauffeur delivered the lecture flawlessly, and the audience applauded him roundly. Then a pompous professor from the local university, wishing to impress his colleagues in the audience, stood and asked a very specific question concerning the driver's presentation.The driver said, ""I am amazed that you would ask such a silly question. The answer is so obvious that I am going to ask my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, to answer your ridiculous question."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"A Swede, a Norwegian and a Dane are caught in a snowstorm on the side of a mountain. They stumble across a cave and decide to take shelter.On entering they are greeted by an awful stench which, on inspection, turns out to come from a half-dead goat which has taken refuge in the cave.The three of them debate what to do and the Norwegian agrees to go in first. Five minutes later he staggers out sick with nausea and collapses.Then the Dane goes in and, ten minutes later crawls out and expires.Finally the Swede goes in and, fifteen minutes later.. the goat comes out."
-Write a joke for this category,Heaven and Hell,"The counselor at the ""magnet"" school called a boy (Myrddin) into his office before school started.""Myrddin, I have some good news and some bad news to relate to you this morning. We've just reviewed all of your personality tests and I'm afraid you have definite homosexual tendencies. And now the good news -- I think you're cute as heck!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Heaven and Hell,"Paddy just arrived in America from Ireland on holiday. Now, never having seen a baseball game before, he decides that now would be a good time. So, he goes to the park, and gets himself a bleacher seat.Now, Paddy sees a guy step up to the plate with a stick in his hand. The guy standing on the hump of dirt throws a ball at the guy with the stick, who then *crack* hits the ball and starts running down the side. Everyone around Paddy stands up and shouts ""RUN! RUN!!""A second guy steps up to the plate, and damn, if the guy on that hump of dirt doesn't throw that ball again. And again, the guy with the stick *crack* hits the ball and runs down the side. And again, everyone around Paddy again, stands and shouts ""RUN! RUN!!""Now, a third guy steps up to the plate with a stick in his hands. This time, when the guy on the hump of dirt throws the ball, the guy with the stick doesn't do anything. And the guy squatting behind the guy with the stick tosses the ball back to the guy on the hump of dirt. And Paddy is thinking to himself, ""What's happening? Why didn't he hit the ball?"" This happens three more times, with Paddy wondering more each time.After the fourth time, the guy with the stick drops the stick and strolls up the side. Now Paddy stands up and shouts ""RUN! RUN LIKE HELL!"" and the guy sitting next to Paddy says that he doesn't have to run. So Paddy asks him why, and is told that the batter has four balls.So Paddy shouts instead, ""WALK WITH PRIDE, MAN! WALK WITH PRIDE!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Animals,"During the height of the cold war, the Americans and the Russians realized that if they continued their arms race, they were going to blow up the whole planet.They arranged a top secret summit, where it was decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They agreed to give each other5 years to breed the two most powerful fighting dogs ever.The winning dog's country would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to submit and lay down its arms.The Russians searched their vast country to find the meanest, most vicious Doberman and Rottweiler breeds and crossed them with the biggest, most dangerous Siberian wolves.They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter and fed it a diet of steroids and trained them to be lethal attack dogs. After five years of fierce breeding, Russiahad managed to create the biggest, most vicious dog the world had ever seen.Finally Russia and America met in Switzerland to let their dogs fight for world domination. Although its cage had 4-inch-thick reinforced steel-bars, everyone was afraid to even go near the Russian monster-dog. When the Russians saw the American dog, they burst into laughter. America had sent a weird looking 9-foot-long Dachshund! The Russian breeders felt a little sorry for the Dachshund, because they knew it didn't have the slightest chance to last even 10 seconds against Russia's killer.When the bell announced the beginning of the fight, the Russian dog leaped out of its cage, snarled, and charged the American Dachshund.The Dachshund slowly waddled out of its cage towards the Russian dog. But just when the Russian champion looked like it was going to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened its mouth and swallowed the Russian dog with one bite. The Russian monster was gone!The Russian politicians, shaking their heads in disbelief, walked over to the cheering Americans and said: ""We don‘t understand how this could have happened. We had our best breeders working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler breeds in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves!""""That's nothing,"" an American replied. ""We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"A phone company puts an ad in the paper that they are recruiting workers.The next day, two groups of workers show up. A crew of five Italian men and a crew of five blonde women.The company cannot decide whom to give the job to, so they give them a test. The company boss says, ""Each crew will receive a telephone pole that they must install into the ground. Whoever is able to hammer it in first, they will get the job.""Both groups agree that this is a fair test, so off they go in the company trucks with the long telephone poles sticking out the back.A few hours pass, and finally, at 5:00, the Italian crew returns.""YAY!!"" they shout. ""We came back first, we get the job!!""""Good work, men,"" says the boss, ""However, we must wait until the other crew comes back to make sure that the reason they're delayed is not because of traffic, or that the truck broke down.""""Fine, no problem,"" say the men.An hour passes, two hours pass, three hours. Finally, at 12:00, the Blonde crew arrives. The entire group is flushed and breathing hard, as if they had just gone through harsh labor.""What happened to you? What took so long?"" asks the boss incredulously.""What do you mean, 'what took so long? Do we get the job?""""YOU get the job? No way! The men were back here HOURS ago!""""Well, of course they were,"" say the blondes. ""They only put the pole in halfway!!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Quasimodo goes to his Parisian Cathedral doctor for his annual checkup.""I think something is wrong with your back,"" the doctor says.""Why do you say that?"" asks Quasimodo.""I don't know,"" the doctor replies. ""It's just a hunch."""
-Write a joke for this category,Idiots,"There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally after many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.  The director says, ""This is the most important part, and it has only one line, you must walk on to the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'""  The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again. Finally the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line; ""Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress"".  The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming! ""You bloody fool!"" he cried, ""You have ruined me!"" The actor was bewildered, ""What happened, did I forget my line?"" He asked.""No!"" the director screamed, ""You Idiot! you forgot the damn rose!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Religious,"Father O’Grady is standing at the door after Sunday Mass, when Mary Clancy comes up to him, tears rolling down her face.""Oh Father,"" she cries, ""I have terrible news!""""What is it my child?"" She says,""My husband died last night.""""Oh Mary,"" says the priest, ""That’s terrible news. But tell me- did he have any last requests?""""Yes he did, Father.""""And what exactly did he ask, Mary?""""He said ‘Please, Mary. Put the gun down.’"""
-Write a joke for this category,Idiots,"Remembering the Quips of Groucho Marx...Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?Room service? Send up a larger room.Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others.He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you... He really is an idiot.I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it."
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the city in the evening. They heard moans and muted cries for help from a back lane. Upon investigation, they found a semi-conscious man in a pool of blood. ""Help me, I've been mugged and viciously beaten."" he pleaded.The two social workers turned and walked away. One remarked to her colleague: ""You know the person that did this really needs help."""
-Write a joke for this category,Sex,"Sadie and Esther, two elderly widows, are sitting, people-watching, in a Catskill hotel lobby.""You know, "" says Sadie, ""I've been reading this sex and Marriage book and all they talk about is mutual orgasm; mutual orgasm here, mutual orgasm there, that's all they talk about.Tell me, Esther, when your husband was alive, did you ever have mutual orgasm?""""No,"" says Esther, ""I think we had Allstate."""
-Write a joke for this category,Political,"When President Jaques Chirac retired from public life, the Australian  ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honour.  At the dinner table Carla Zampatti was talking with Madame Chirac.  ""Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on  the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement  will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?""   ""A penis,"" replied Madame Chirac. A shocked hush fell over the table.Everyone heard her answer ... and no  one knew what to say next!  Jaques Chirac leaned over to his wife and helped. ""Ma cherie,"" he said. ""I believe ze Australians pronounce zat word,  'Happiness!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Two nuns went out of the convent to sell cookies.One was Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other was Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far from the convent.SL: Do you notice a man's been following us?SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants.SL: It's logical.He wants to rape us.SM: Oh, no!At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes.What should we do?SL: The only logical thing is to walk faster.SM: It's not working.SL: Of course not.The man did the obvious thing and started walking faster, too.SM: What should we do?At this rate he will reach us in one minute.SL: The only logical is to split.You go that way and I'll go this way.He can't follow both of us. So the man decided to go after Sister Logical.Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent and became worried that Sister Logical hadn't arrived.Finally, Sister Logical arrives.SM: Sister Logical!Thank God you are here!Tell me what happened!SL: The only logical thing happened.The man could not follow both of us, so he followed me.SM: So, what happened?Please tell me.SL: The only logical thing to happen.I started to run as fast as I could.SM: Then what happened?SL: The only logical thing to happen.The man also started to run as fast as he could.SM: And what else?SL: The only logical thing to happen.He reached me.SM: Oh, no! What did you do then?SL: The only logical thing to do.I lifted my dress up.SM: Oh, Sister.What did the man do?SL: The only logical thing to do.He pulled down his pants.SM: Oh, no!What happened then?SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?A nun with her dress up can run faster than aman with his pants down.(And you thought this might be a dirty story! Shame on you.Say two Hail Mary's."
-Write a joke for this category,Aviation,"Flight Training JournalWeek 1Monday: RainTuesday: RainWednesday: No rain; no visibility either.Thursday: Take instructor to lunch. Discover I don't know enough to take instructor to lunch.Friday: Fly! Do first stall - and second stall during same maneuver. Cover instructor with lunch. Week 2Monday: Learned not to scrape frost off plexiglass with ice-scraper. Used big scratch as marker to set pitch.Tuesday: Instructor wants me to stop calling throttle ""THAT BIG KNOB THING."" Also hates when I call instruments ""GADGETS""Wednesday: Radios won't pick up radio stations, so I turned them off. Instructor seems to think I missed something.Thursday: Learned 10 degree bank is not a steep turn. Did stall again today. Lost 2000 feet. Instructor said that was some kind of record -- my first compliment.Friday: Did steep turn. Instructor said I was not ready for inverted flight yet.Week 3Monday: Instructor called in sick. New instructor told me to stop calling her ""BABE"". Did steep turns. She said I had to have permission for inverted flight.Tuesday: Instructor back. He told me to stop calling him ""BABE"", too. He got mad when I pulled power back on takeoff because the engine was to loud.Wednesday: Instructor said after the first 20 hours, most students have established a learning curve. He said there is a slight bend in mine. Aha--progress!Thursday: Did stalls. Clean recovery. Instructor said I did good job. Also did turns around a point. Instructor warned me never to pick ex-fiancé's house as point again.Friday: Did pattern work. Instructor said that if downwind, base and final formed a triangle, I would be perfect. More praise!Week 4Monday: First landing at a controlled field. Did fine until I told the captain in the 747 ahead of us on the taxiway to move his bird. Instructor says we'll have ground school all this week on radio procedures.Tuesday: Asked instructor if everyone in his family had turned gray at such an early age. He smiled. We did takeoff stalls. He says I did just fine but to wait until we reached altitude next time. Three Niner Juliet will be out of the shop in three days when the new strut and tire arrive. Instructor says his back bothers him only a little.Wednesday: Flew through clouds. I thought those radio towers were a lot lower. I'm sure my instructor is going gray.Thursday: Left flaps down for entire flight. Instructor asked why. I told him I wanted the extra lift as a safety margin. More ground school.Friday: Asked instructor when I could solo. I have never seen anyone actually laugh until they cried before."
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Man goes to see the Rabbi.""Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.""The Rabbi asked, ""What's wrong?""The man replied, ""My wife is poisoning me.""The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, ""How can that be?""The man then pleads, ""I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?""The Rabbi then offers, ""Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.""A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, ""Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?""The man anxiously says, ""Yes.""""Take the poison,"" says the Rabbi."
-Write a joke for this category,Money,"The plumber presented his customer, a lawyer, with a bill charging rates of $500 an hour. The lawyer was outraged, saying ""I don't even make that kind of money - doesn't that seem a bit steep?"" The plumber replied, ""That's what I thought, when I was a lawyer."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.""Now, class, closely observe the worms,"" said the professor while putting a worm into the water.The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.""Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?"" the professor asked.Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded confidently, ""Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, ""You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."" With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment,""Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Bill Clinton and his wife Hilary were at a baseball game when the man sitting behind Bill whispers something into Bills ear, Bill Clinton stands up and throws Hilary on the baseball field. The man that was sittingbehind Bill said, ""No, NO, I said throw the first pitch!"
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"One day, Clinton called the White House interior decorator into the Oval Office.He was furious and said, ""Chelsea is very upset because she thinks she has the ugliest room in the entire White House; I want something done about it immediately!""""Yes Sir, Mr. President,"" the interior decorator replied,""I'll take those mirrors out right away!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Money,"A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.The lawyer said, ""I'm here because my house burned down, and all I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything and I'm using some of the insurance money for this trip.""""That's quite a coincidence,"" said the engineer. ""I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.""The lawyer looked confused... ""How do you start a flood?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, ""I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"" St. Peter replied, ""Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Q: Hey, did you hear that OJ is starting a limo service?A: Yeah, he guarantees that he'll get you there with plenty of time to kill.Q: Did you hear about Delta Burke's tragic suicide attempt?A: She tried to harpoon herself."
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Just after the maid had been fired, she took five bucks from her purse and threw it to Fido, the family dog. When asked why by her former employer, she answered: ""I never forget a friend. That was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"It was decided by Microsoft during a brilliant brainstorming session that military service would improve the skills and discipline of their finest technician. So off to boot camp he went.At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.The Microsoft tech looked at his rifle and then at the target again. ""Hmmm.,"" he thought, ""I'll get to the bottom of this in no time.""He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He pointed his still loaded rifle at the ground in front of him and fired. A cloud of dust kicked up, and a little dimple was left there in the dust.""Yep, it's working,"" he concluded.The technician yelled out to the others at the target end, ""The rifle is in working order, and the bullet seems to be leaving this end just fine. The trouble must be at your end!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Religious,"Four Catholic mothers are sitting around bragging about their sons, each of whom is a priest. First mother says, ""My son is a monsignor, and when he walks in the room, people greet him 'Good morning, Monsignor.'""Second mother says, ""Well, my son is a Bishop, and people greet him 'Good morning, your Grace.'""Third mother says, ""Well, my son is a Cardinal, and people greet him 'Good morning, your Eminence.'""The fourth mother pauses, and finally says, ""My son is six feet, ten inches tall and is 300 pounds of pure muscle. When he walks in the room, people greet him 'Oh, My God!'"""
-Write a joke for this category,Religious,"Once in a land far, far away there lived a group of people called Trids. The Trids were happy except for the huge ogre that lived on the mountain. The ogre would periodically terrorize the Trids.The Trids tired of the ogre and sought to reason with him.They thought one of their religious leaders would be a good intermediary.So a group of Trids and their minister went up the mountain and before they could even say one word the ogre kicked them down the mountain. Not being dismayed the Trids thought that maybe the ogre was Catholic, so they sent another delagation, this time led by the local priest.But alas, as they approached the ogre he once again kicked them all down the mountain.The Trids were upset until they thought that perhaps the ogre was Jewish. Unfortunately, no Trids were Jewish, so they wrote to the people of another land and asked them to send a Rabbi to help them with the ogre.The Rabbi arrived and led a delegation of Trids up the mountain.The ogre saw them coming and kicked all of them, except for the Rabbi, down the mountain.The Rabbi, having been told of the previous expeditions, wondered why he alone had not been kicked down the mountain, so he asked the ogre.The ogre laughed and replied:""Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Heaven and Hell,"When the Son of God was nailed to the cross and died, he went straight down to hell from the cross and set free all the sinners who were there in torment.And the devil wept and mourned, for he thought he would get no more sinners for hell.Then God said to him, ""Do not weep, for I shall send you all those who are self-righteous in their condemnation of sinners and hell shall be filled up once more until I return."""
-Write a joke for this category,Crazy Jokes,"Here are a few new perspectives through which to look at life!1. Follow your dream!Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.2. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.Do not walk ahead of me, for Imay not follow.Do not walk beside me, either.Just leave me alone.3. If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone.Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.4. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.5. It's always darkest before the dawn.So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.6. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.7. Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group and the Whatever group.8. Into every life some rain must fall.Usually when your car windows are down.9. When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn. (try to avoid doing this to guys over 6'5"", because they can turn your body into an accordion Jershie :)10. This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting your mother-in-law stay over.11. It's a small world.So you have to use your elbows a lot.12. Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel. It's a lot cheaper than plastic surgery.13. Love is like a roller coaster. When it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't, you can't wait to throw up.14. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.15. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it."
-Write a joke for this category,Religious,"A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!(silence)Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?"
-Write a joke for this category,Children,"Sayings According To First GradersA first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. He gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to come up with the rest. Here is what the kids came up with:Better to be safe than .... punch a 5th graderStrike while the ... bug is close.It's always darkest before ... daylight savings timeNever underestimate the power of ... termites.You can lead a horse to water but ... how?Don't bite the hand that ... looks dirty.No news is ... impossible.A miss is as good as a ... Mrs.You can't teach an old dog ... math.If you lie down with dogs, you ... will stink in the morning.Love all, trust ... me.The pen is mightier than ... the pigs.An idle mind is ... the best way to relax.Where there is smoke, there's ... pollution.Happy is the bride who ... gets all the presents.A penny saved is ... not much.Two is company, three's ... The Musketeers.None are so blind as ... Helen Keller.Children should be seen and not ... spanked or grounded.If at first you don't succeed ... get new batteries.You get out of something what you ... see pictured on the box.When the blind lead the blind ... get out of the way.There is no fool like ... Aunt Edie.Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and ... you have to blow your nose."
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,Etch-A-Sketch Tech Support:Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: How do I create a New Document window?A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?A: Don't shake it.
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.""Now, class, closely observe the worms,"" said the professor while putting a worm into the water.The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.""Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?"" the professor asked.Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded confidently, ""Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."""
-Write a joke for this category,Money,"There were two men who played golf together frequently. One was several strokes better than the other. The lesser player was very proud, and never wanted to take any strokes to even up the game.One Saturday morning, he shows up with a gorilla at the first tee. He says to his friend, ""I've been trying to beat you for so long that I'm about ready to give up. But, I heard about this golfing gorilla, and I was wondering if it would be alright if he plays for me today. In fact if you're game, I'd like to try to get back all the money I've lost to you this year. I figure comes to about a thousand bucks. Are you willing?""The other guy thought about it for a minute, and then decided to play the gorilla. ""After all, how good could a gorilla be at golf?"" he thought.Well, the first hole was a straightaway par 4 of 450 yards. The guy hits a beautiful tee shot, 275 yards down the middle, leaving himself a 6 iron to the green. The gorilla takes a few powerful practice swings and then laces the ball 450 yards, right at the pin, stopping about 6 inches away from the hole.The guy turns to his friend and says ""That's incredible, I would have never believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes. But, you know what, I've seen enough. I've got no interest in being totally humiliated by this gorilla golfing machine. You send this frigging gorilla back to where he comes from. I need a drink; better make it a double, and I'll write you a check.""After handing over the check, and well into his second double the guy asks, ""By the way, how's that gorilla's putting?""The other guy replies, ""Same as his driving.""""That good, huh?""""No, I mean, he hits putts the same way - 450 yards, right down the middle!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,Q: What do you get when you cross a fly with an elephant?A: A zipper that never forgets.Q: Where does virgin wool come from?A: Ugly sheep.Q: How do you tell when a moth farts?A: It flies in a straight line.
-Write a joke for this category,Political,"Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.John F Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.Both Presidents were shot in the head.Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.Both were assassinated by Southerners.Both were succeeded by Southerners.Both successors were named Johnson.Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.Both assassins were known by their three names.Both names are composed of fifteen letters.Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Kennedy.'Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln.'Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.And here's the kicker...A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe."
-Write a joke for this category,"Family, Parents","A worried Father asked his daughter if her latest beau was serious about their relationship.""I'll say he is Daddy."" responded the girl.""Just last nite he asked me how much you make, what kind of meals Mom serves and if you two are easy to get along with."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, ""You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.""The Irishman replies, ""Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I drinks one for each o' me brothers and one for me self.""The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.One day, he comes in and orders two pints.All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, ""I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.""The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.""Oh, no. Everyone's fine,"" He explains, ""It's just that I joined the Mormon Church and I had to quit drinking."""
-Write a joke for this category,Farmers,"Farmer John was taking his cow and it's new born calf to sell in the auction. On the way farmer John got robbed by thieves, who beat him up, stripped him of his clothes and tied him to a tree. Then taking the mother cow and John's clothes, the thieves escaped. They, however left the new born calf behind.Poor farmer John suffered as for two days, he stood tied to a tree, stark naked and hungry. Fortunately, on the third day, some neighbors happened to pass by. They recognized John and untied him. When they did, farmer John picked up a huge stick and started bashing the calf with it.""Why are you thrashing the poor calf?, his neighbors asked? To which farmer John replied, ""I had to tell this beast for the past two days repeatedly that I am not your mother!, I am not your mother .......!!!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"One day a man came home from work and he was greeted by his wife. She told that she has good news and that she had bad news. He said ""Well, give me the good news first."" She said ""The good news is that the air bag works."""
-Write a joke for this category,Heaven and Hell,"The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, ""You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?""The Lord sighed, and said, ""No, I guess not.""Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, ""Why did you let him do that?""The Lord smiled and replied, ""Who's he going to tell?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Heaven and Hell,"A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts.Finally his exasperated partner says, ""What the hell is taking so long? Hit the goddamn ball!""The guy answers, ""My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.""""Well, hell, man, you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, ""Do you serve lawyers here?"".""Sure do,"" replied the bartender.""Good,"" said the man. ""Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."""
-Write a joke for this category,Heaven and Hell,"A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.She looks the man up and down and says, I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"" The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, ""Good heavens, I'm on the wrong bus!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Animals,"After a long day at the office, Chris came home one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth.The rabbit was obviously dead. Chris panicked!""If my neighbors find out my dog killed their bunny, they'll hate me forever,"" he thought.So he took the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house, gave it a bath and blow-dried its fur.Chris knew his neighbors kept their backdoor open during the summer, so he snuck inside and put the bunny back into the cage, hoping his neighbors would think it died of natural causes.A couple of days later Chris and his neighbor saw each other outside.""Did you hear that Fluffy died?"" the neighbor asked.""Oh. Uhmm... Sorry to hear that. What happened?"" Chris mumbled.The neighbor replied: ""We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the strange thing is that the day after we buried him, we went out to dinner and someone must have dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage! There are some really sick people out there!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Farmers,"A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.""$10 for 3 minutes,"" replied the pilot.""That's too much,"" said the farmer.The pilot thought for a second and then said, ""I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10.""The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, ""I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man.""""Maybe so,"" said the farmer, ""But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"A Swede, a Norwegian and a Dane are caught in a snowstorm on the side of a mountain. They stumble across a cave and decide to take shelter.On entering they are greeted by an awful stench which, on inspection, turns out to come from a half-dead goat which has taken refuge in the cave.The three of them debate what to do and the Norwegian agrees to go in first. Five minutes later he staggers out sick with nausea and collapses.Then the Dane goes in and, ten minutes later crawls out and expires.Finally the Swede goes in and, fifteen minutes later.. the goat comes out."
-Write a joke for this category,Business,"The secretary came in late for work the third day in a row. The boss called her into his office and said, ""Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here. Who told you, you could come and go as you please around here?""Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said, ""My lawyer."""
-Write a joke for this category,"Family, Parents","A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. ""I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family,"" said the man. ""To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.""The son-in-law interrupted, ""I hate factories. I can't stand the noise.""""I see,"" replied the father-in-law. ""Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.""""I hate office work,"" said the son-on-law. ""I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day.""""Wait a minute,"" said the father-in-law. ""I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?""""Easy,"" said the young man. ""Buy me out."""
-Write a joke for this category,Heaven and Hell,"When Mother Theresa died she went to Heaven. For a week or two she was fully satisfied that she had to eat only fruits and vegetables, but then one day complained to St.Peter and asked for some cooked meal. - My Dear, - said St.Peter, - and who is going to cook every day for just the three of us?!This Preacher's son asks his father,""Dad, can I have a car?"" The preacher replies,"", I will get you a car IF you get a haircut."" Then his son says,""Dad, Jesus had long hair."" ""Yeah but he walked everywhere."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer was quite taken a back, and requested collateral. ""Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce"", the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safekeeping, and gave him $5,000.Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. The loan officer checked the records and told him, ""That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest."" The man wrote out a check, thanked the loan officer, and started to walk away.""Wait sir,"" the loan officer said, ""while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow?The man smiled. ""Where else could I securely park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"The following is a status report from a business unit to their Y2K coordinator.""Our staff has completed the 3 years of work on time and on budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system.We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change.We are proud to report that we have completed the ""Y-to-K"" date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect the following new standards:Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, Decemberand:Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak Thursdak, Fridak, SaturdakI trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible.And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00? We'll await your direction."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,Q: Why do the Spice Girls work 7 days a week?A: So you don't have to retrain them on Mondays.Q: How do you get a Spice Girl's eyes to twinkle?A: Shine a torch in her ear.Q: What do you call a Spice Girl with two brain cells?A: Pregnant.
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"The distinguished professor and his chauffeur were talking one day on the way to the next speaking engagement, and the driver said, ""I've sat in the back and listened to your presentation so many times that I can give it just as well as you can.""The professor said ""I'll bet you can't. Just to prove it, we'll trade clothes in the hotel, and I'll sit in the back.""The chauffeur delivered the lecture flawlessly, and the audience applauded him roundly. Then a pompous professor from the local university, wishing to impress his colleagues in the audience, stood and asked a very specific question concerning the driver's presentation.The driver said, ""I am amazed that you would ask such a silly question. The answer is so obvious that I am going to ask my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, to answer your ridiculous question."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,Q: Why are the Spice Girls on the pill?A: So they can figure out what day it is.Q: What do you call a fly buzzing around inside a Spice Girl's head?A: space invader.Q: What do you call a Spice Girl with half a brain?A: Gifted.Q: What do you see if you look into a Spice Girl's eyes?A: The back of her head.
-Write a joke for this category,Heaven and Hell,"After a lengthy conference with the estranged husband, the lawyer reported to his client. ""Mrs. LaMay, I have succeeded in making a settlement with your husband that is eminently fair to both of you.""""Fair to both!"" exploded Mrs. LaMay. ""I could have done that myself. What the hell do you think I hired a lawyer for?""-*-After examining the contents of the employee suggestion box, the senior partner of the law firm complained, ""I wish they'd be more specific. What kind of kite? What lake?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: ""If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries.If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.""""Now,"" he concluded, ""which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"""
-Write a joke for this category,"Family, Parents","One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off thelight when he asked with a tremor in his voice, ""Mommy, willyou sleep with me tonight?""The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. ""I can't,dear,"" she said. ""I have to sleep in Daddy's room.""A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:""The big sissy."""
-Write a joke for this category,Heaven and Hell,"Catholic MathLittle Tommy was ding very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last dash effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room and starts studying. Books and papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed.She calls him down to dinner and the her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before.This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great tredpidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math.She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says, Son, what was it?Was it the nuns?Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head.Well then, she replies, was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?Little Tommy looks at her and says, Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they wern't fooling around."
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, ""Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.""The gentleman replied, ""Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Heaven and Hell,"A minister dies and goes to heaven.Before him is a loudmouth man with a loud shirt, chain pants, and a loud hat. Saint Peter asked the guy what he did for a living. He said ""I was the taxi cab driver of moo yawk city. St. Peter hands him a silk robe, and a golden staff.The minister gets up to St. Peter. St. Peter asked the man what he did for a living. He stood up very straight, and spoke in a loud, clear voice ""I am John C. Maxwell, bishop of St. Mary's Church. St. Peter hands him a cotton robe, and a regular staff.""Why"", asked the bishop. You let that taxi cab driver have a silk robe and golden staff but not me? St. Peter said ""up here we work by results.""St. Peter said ""While you preached, people slept, while he drove, people prayed."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"An English professor wrote the words, ""Woman without her man is nothing"" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.The men wrote: ""Woman, without her man, is nothing.""The women wrote: ""Woman! Without her, man is nothing."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Two politicians were carrying on a conversation in a restaurant when all of a sudden, one yelled at the other, ""You're lying!"".The other politician responded, ""I know, but hear me out."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Bill and Hillary Clinton went out to dinner and when the waiter came to take their order, he asked Hillary how she wanted her steak, she replied, ""medium.""Then the waiter said, ""how about your vegetable?""Hillary replied, ""Oh, he can order for himself."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short). In the first year, ""s"" will be used instead of the soft ""c"". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard ""c"" will be replaced with ""k."" Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome ""ph"" will be replaced by ""f"". This will make words like ""fotograf"" 20 per sent shorter.In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent ""e""s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing ""th"" by ""z"" and ""W"" by ""V"". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary ""o"" kan be dropd from vords kontaining ""ou"", and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru."
-Write a joke for this category,Idiots,"A priest went to buy a parrot.""Are you sure it doesn't swear?"" asked the priest.""Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot,"" the storekeeper assured him. ""Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left, he recites the 23rd Psalm.""""Wonderful!"" said the priest, ""but what happens if you pull both strings?""""I'll fall off my friggin' perch, you idiot!"" screeched the parrot."
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up.They decided to party instead.Their biggest exam was on Wednesday and they showed up telling the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study. The professor told them that they could have another day to study. That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything.Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to twoseparate classrooms to take the exam. Each boy just shrugged and went to two different parts of the building.As each sat down, they read the first question.""For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom.""At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake, and answered the question with ease. Then, the test continued. ""For 95 points, tell me which tire it was."""
-Write a joke for this category,Police Jokes,"The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'.Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job. If he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place.The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter. The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, ""Ask him where the money is.""The interpreter signs, ""Where's the money?""The deaf replies, ""I don't know what you're talking about."" The interpreter tells the hood, ""He says he doesn't know what you're talking about.""The hood pulls out a large gun and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. ""NOW ask him where the money is.""The interpreter signs, ""Where is the money?""The deaf man replies, ""The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate .""The interpreter says to the hood, ""He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, ""Rest in Peace"". The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was,the florist replied, ""Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location'"""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Bill & Hillary Clinton host a large bipartisan dinner party in their personal residence quarters at the White House, including a number of current and former members of Congress, former Presidents Carter, Ford and Bush, along with former Vice Presidents Mondale and Quayle.After the introductory speeches during dinner, Vice President Dan Quayle excused himself to use the bathroom, one adjacent to the First Family's. After a couple of minutes, he returns to his seat, looking rather smug, but says nothing to his wife at the time.After the dinner, as the Quayles returned home, Dan turned to Marilyn and said, ""Did you know Bill has a solid-gold urinal in his bathroom? How can he pretend to be serious about cutting the budget after buying that?""Marilyn's initial look of shock turns to a a sly grin as she turns to her husband and says, ""We've really caught him with his pants down this time! As soon as we get home, why don't you call up the paper and give them a little 'insider' information, dear?""""That's an excellent idea, Marilyn!"" says Dan to his lovely wife. ""You know, sometimes you're just too smart,"" as he leans over to hug and give his wife a quick kiss on the cheek.The following morning, after the morning editions of the papers have been delivered to the White House residence, Hillary Clinton opens the newspaper over breakfast only to see a bold headline stating ""CLINTONS SPLURGE ON SOLID GOLD URINAL SAYS QUAYLE"" Shaking her head, Hillary smirks and shouts up to the bedroom, ""Bill! I think I know who peed in your Saxophone!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Religious,"Prime Minister Netanyahu and the Pope have a meeting to explore ways of finding an equitable settlement to the escalating problems in the Middle East.After days of getting nowhere, they decide in desperation to settle their differences by means of a golf match. The agreement is that if the Vatican's player wins, the Pope's views will prevail; if Israel's player wins, Netanyahu's methods will be employed.The Pope decides to recruit Arnold Palmer for the job, but his advisors object that Palmer isn't even a Catholic. ""Not to worry,"" says the Pope. ""We'll make him a Cardinal."" Palmer is promptly ordained.The match is played, with the entire world aware that the fate of peace in the Middle East is riding on the outcome. Palmer loses.The Pope phones him after the match and gasps in disbelief, ""Arnold, what happened?? We were sure you couldn't possibly lose!""Palmer replies, ""So was I, Father I'm devastated. I trained for weeks to prepare for this match. But who could know I'd be up against Rabbi Tiger Woods?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Religious,"The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome.The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers.""What is that phone for?"" he asks the pontiff.""It's my direct line to the Lord!""The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists that the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord.The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him.After hanging up the Rabbi says. ""Thank you very much. This is great!But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges."" The Pope, of courserefuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in.He checks the counter on the phone and says:""All right! The charges were 100,000 Lira.""The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over a packet of bills.A few months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official ""visit"".In the Chief Rabbi's chambers he sees a phone identical to his and learns it also is a direct line to the Lord.The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divineconsultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone.The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away.After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges.The Rabbi looks on the phone counter and says: ""1 Shekel 50!""The Pope looks surprised: ""Why so cheap!""The Rabbi smiles: ""Local call."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"The professors of mathematics and physics were staring away at the flag pole in front of the front of the college building.The professor of English walking by asked, ""What seems to be the problem?""""We,"" said the professor of mathematics, ""were wondering how to measure the height of this flag pole.""The professor of English quickly unscrewed the pole from its moorings, laid it on the ground, whipped out a measuring tape, measured it, and said, ""It is exactly 20 feet long,"" and walked away smoking his pipe.Looking at the English professor's receding back, the professor of physics remarked, ""Smart Ass. We wanted to know the height, and he tells us the length!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces.To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result -- the door bounced back open.Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said: ""Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"An attorney was on his deathbed in the hospital.When a friend came to visit, he found the lawyer frantically leafing through the Bible.""What are you doing?"" the visitor asked.The sick lawyer replied, ""Looking for loopholes."""
-Write a joke for this category,Holidays,"Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources person asked the hot-shot young Engineer, fresh out of MIT, ""And what starting salary were you looking for?""The engineer cooly said, ""In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.""The interviewer said, ""Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - for starters, say, a red Corvette?""The engineer tried to control his excitement, but sat straight up and said, ""Wow! Are you kidding?"" .""Yeah,"" the interviewer shrugged, ""But you started it."""
-Write a joke for this category,Religious,"One Sunday morning, the priest noticed that little Anthony was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The ten year old boy had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, ""Good morning Anthony.""""Good morning father,"" replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.""Father Murphy, what is this?"" Anthony asked.""Well, son, its a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.""Soberly they stood together, staring at the large plaque.Little Anthony's voice was barely audible when he asked, ""Which service, the 9:00 or the 10:30?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Heaven and Hell,"There were two old men who had loved baseball all of their life. They had grown up in the same town where they played together thru grade school, high school and then college. After college they didn't have the skill for professional ball so they learned to be umpires in order to stay around the game. They started in the minors and being very good umpires soon moved on to the majors where they umpired for many years. After they retired, they continued to umpire for youth ball like little league.However, as they grew older and older, they started to worry about what it would be like after they died. Would there be baseball after death?Finaly they made a pact. The first one to die would, if at all possible, come back immediately and tell the other about baseball after death.Finaly Joe died and went to Heaven. After much argument he convinced St. Peter to let him return in a dream to his friend Fred and this conversation ensued:Joe: ""Fred, I made it to heaven and I have both good news and bad news""Fred: ""Well, what is the good news""Joe: ""We don't have to worry about baseball any more. There is all kinds up here. We can umpire from sand lot ball to the major leagues. In fact I have 3rd base tomorrow night""Fred: ""THAT'S GREAT!! What could possibly be bad news after that?""Joe: ""You have the plate!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"An elderly lady from a remote interior village went to one of Philadelphia's most fashionable suburbs to visit her niece and husband. Nearby was a very well known golf course.On the second afternoon of her visit, the elderly lady went for a stroll. Upon her return, the young niece asked, ""Well, Auntie, did you enjoy yourself?""""Oh, yes, indeed,"" said Auntie, beaming. ""Before I had walked very far, I came to some beautiful rolling fields. There seemed to be a number of people about, mostly men. Some of them kept shouting at me in a very eccentric manner, but I took no notice. There were four men who followed me for some time, uttering curious excited barking sounds. Naturally, I ignored them, too. Oh, by the way,"" she added, as she held out her hands, ""I found a number of these curious little round white balls, so I picked them all up and brought them home hoping you could explain what they're all about."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Proposed slogans for Holyfield-Tyson III10. The third Gogh around9. Dahmer vs. Psalmer8. The last supper7. Ear-reconcilable differences6. Grazing Bull5. You wanna piece of me?4. Blood, Sweat and Ears3. Lobe's labor lost2. Bite of the century1. Why? Because I lobe it"
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"""What's wrong with your husband?"" the psychiatrist asked.""He thinks he's a chicken,"" answered the woman.""How long has he been acting like a chicken?""""Three years. We would have come in sooner, but we needed the eggs."""
-Write a joke for this category,State Jokes,Q. Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that they couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body?A. They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Two programmers walked along the street. They saw a beautiful blonde not far away and one of them said, ""Too bad that girls has no standard interface.""""They have,"" replied the other programmer, ""but there is no standard way to get to it."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"In the US, everything that is not prohibited by law is permitted.In Germany, everything that is not permitted by law is prohibited.In Russia, everything is prohibited, even if permitted by law.In France, everything is permitted, even if prohibited by law."
-Write a joke for this category,Farmers,"A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.The old farmer said he had buried them.The sheriff asked the old farmer, ""Were they ALL dead?""The old farmer replied, ""Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."""
-Write a joke for this category,State Jokes,"While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,""Are there any gators around here?!""""Naw,"" the man hollered back, ""they ain't been around for years!""""Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.About halfway there he asked the guy,""How'd you get rid of the gators?""""We didn't do nothin',"" the beachcomber said.""The sharks got 'em."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Her husband had passed on and the new widow was so distraught that she sought out a spiritualist who told her that her husband was just fine.She added further that he was eagerly awaiting a reunion with her.""Is there anything he needs ?"" the distraught woman asked,between tears.The spiritualist went into a transient state, then replied,""He says he'd love a package of cigarettes.""""I'll send a carton immediately."" the woman said joyfully.""But did he say where I should send them ?""""No."" replied the Seer somberly. ""But he didn't ask for matches."""
-Write a joke for this category,Computers,"Staff NoticeWith immediate effect, a toilet policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for staff, ensuring effective time management and equal treatment for all. On the first day of every month, all staff will be issued 20 toilet trip credits which may be accumulated.The doors to all toilets will be equipped with computer-linked voice recognition devices. Staff must immediately provide management with two voiceprints, one normal and one under stress. Once the employee's toilet trip bank reaches zero, the doors of the toilet will not unlock for the employee's voice until the first of the month.In addition, all cubicles are to be equipped with timed paper-roll extractors. If the toilet is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds later, the roll of toilet paper will retract into the dispenser, the toilet will flush and the door will open automatically. If the toilet remains occupied, your photograph will be taken by a security camera and will appear on the Toilet Offenders Board. Anyone appearing three times will forfeit three months' toilet trip credits. Anyone caught smiling when the photograph is taken will undergo counseling by a clinical psychologist.Be advised that workmen's compensation insurance does not cover any injuries incurred while trying to stop the toilet paper retracting into the dispenser.MANAGEMENT"
-Write a joke for this category,Farmers,"A farmer dies and goes to hell. While down there the Devil notices that a farmer is not suffering like the rest. He checks the gauges and sees that it's 90 degrees and about 80 percent humidity. So the Devil goes over to the farmer and asks why he's so happy. The farmer says, ""I like it here, the temperature is just like plowing my fields in June.""The Devil isn't happy with the farmer's answer, so he goes over and turns up the temperature to 100 degrees and the humidity to 90 percent.After turning everything up he goes looking for the farmer. He finds him standing around just as happy as can be. The Devil quizzes the farmer again as to why he's so happy. The farmer says, ""This is even better, it's like pulling weeds in the fields during July.""The Devil, now upset, decides to really make the farmer suffer, so he turns the heat up to 120 degrees and the humidity to 100 percent.Once again, he goes looking for the farmer, and finds him sitting on the floor -- even happier than before! The farmer turns to the Devil and says, ""This is great, it's just like working in the silo with my friends in August.""The Devil says, ""That's it, I'll get this farmer."" He goes over and turns the temperature down to 25 degrees and sets the weather control to SNOW. ""Lets see what the farmer has to say about THIS.""A little while later, the Devil finds the farmer -- only NOW he's jumping up and down for joy and yelling, ""The Packers have finally won the Superbowl!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Coach Walker enters the locker room and eyes one of his players. ""Son, I hate to do this to you. I realize that you're the star of the team, but you're failing your classes and I can't let you play.""""Give me a break, coach!"" pleads the jock.""I'll tell you what - I'll ask you a question, and if you get it right, you can play... what is two plus two?""The jock counts on his fingers, ""one, two, three,... The answer must be four!""""Did you say four?"" asks the excited coach.""Sure did, Coach!""As the coach starts to jump and scream in excitement, the other members of the team can be heard begging, ""Gee, come on coach, give him another chance!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign . . .""Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass.Caution: Do not step on exhaust."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"It was the end of the school year. The teacher had turned in her grades; there was nothing really for the class to do.All the kids were restless and it was near the end of the day. So the teacher thought of an activity. She said, ""The first ones to answer correctly the questions I ask may leave early today."" Little Johnny said to himself, ""Good, I'm smart and I want to get outa here.""The teacher asked, ""Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"" But before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, ""Abraham Lincoln?""The teacher said, ""That's right, Susie. You may go."" Johnny was mad that Susie had answered first.The teacher asked, ""Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"" But before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, ""Martin Luther King!"" The teacher said, ""That's right, Mary. You may go."" Johnny was even madder than before. Mary had answered first. The teacher asked, ""Who said 'Ask not what your country can do for you'?"" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy piped, ""John Kennedy!""The teacher said, ""That's right, Nancy. You may go."" Now Johnny was furious! Nancy had answered first.Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny muttered, ""I wish these girls would keep their mouths shut!""The teacher spun around. ""WHO SAID THAT?"" Johnny said, ""BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Military,"Two men were boasting to each other about their old Army days.""Why, my outfit was so well drilled,"" declared one, ""that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click.""""Very good,"" conceded the other, ""but when my company presented arms you'djust hear slap, slap, jingle.""""What was the jingle?"" asked the first. ""Oh,"" replied the other off hand, ""just our medals."""
-Write a joke for this category,"Family, Parents","Three successful Jewish brothers compared their wealth by the presents they had recently sent their old mother for her 75th birthday.Shlomo, the oldest, said: ""I built a big mansion for our mother.""Moishe, the second, said: ""I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.""Ira, the youngest, said: ""You remember how our mama used to enjoy reading the bible? Now she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the whole bible... Mama just has to name the chapter and verse.""A few days later a letter arrived from their mother.""Shlomo,"" she wrote, ""the mansion you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house.""""Moishe,"" she wrote, ""I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver - he's a pain in the tuchas.""""But Ira,"" she wrote, ""the chicken was delicious!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"A couple married forty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road.The woman said, ""Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago.""The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence and they made love like never before.Back in the car, the guy says, ""Darling, you sure never moved like that forty years ago - or any time since that I can remember!""The woman says, ""Forty years ago that fence wasn't electrified!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Money,"I was attending church as a visitor several weeks ago and heard the following:""I have good news, and I have bad news.First, the bad news: we need a new roof.Next, the good news: we have the money to pay for it!(waits for pleased murmurs to recede)Next, more bad news: the money is still in your pockets."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking alcohol when all of a sudden, the passenger, Bubba, said, ""Lookey thar up ahead, Earl. It's a po-lice roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!""""Don't worry, Bubba,"" Earl said. ""We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.""""What fer?"", asked Bubba.Just let me do the talkin,' OK?"", said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each stuck a label on their forehead.When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff asked, ""You boys been drinkin'?""""No, sir,"" said Earl. ""We's on the patch!"
-Write a joke for this category,Animals,"On her way to work a lady passed a new pet shop. She had a few minutes to spare, so she walked into the store and took a look around. Near the store window she saw a cage with a beautiful red parrot in it. She admired him for a few minutes, when the parrot said to her: ""Hey lady, you are really ugly!“A little upset at the rude parrot, the woman left the store and went to work.Later that day on her way home from the office she saw the same parrot in the window. Again the parrot squawked: ""Hey lady, you arereally ugly!""Mad at the bird, she rushed home.When she passed the pet store on her way to work the next morning, the parrot said it again: ""Hey lady, you are really ugly!""Well, the lady was furious! Cursing in a rather unlady-like manner,she stormed into the store and demanded to see the owner. She told him that she was going to sue him and kill the bird if he didn't stop harassing her. The man behind the counter apologized and promised the bird would not say it again.When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot squawked: ""Hey lady...""She paused and said, ""Yes?""And the bird said: ""You know."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Thorn was in the hospital for a complete check-up. At 11:00AM, they brought him soup for lunch. He refused it.At 2:00PM, they again tried to serve him some soup, which he refused.Again, at 5:00PM and 7:00PM, they tried, and both times Thorn turned down the soup, so they gave up.In preparation for the next day's test, they entered his room at 3:00AM, 4:30AM, and 6:00AM and gave him an enema each time.When Thorn got home from the hospital after the tests, he told his wife, ""Whatever you do, if you go to that hospital and they try to serve you soup, take it! If you refuse it, they sneak in while you're asleep and shove it up your ass!"
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, ""Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses.""""We don't have any."" replied the first blonde. ""Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses."" said the Game Warden.""But officer,"" replied the second blonde, ""we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river.""The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. ""Well, I know of no law against it,"" said the Game Warden, ""take all the debris you want."" And with that, the Game Warden left.As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. ""What a dumb Fish Cop,"" the second blonde said to the other two, ""doesn't he know that there are steelhead in this river?!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Farmers,"A farmer sent his nephew a crate of chickens, but the box burst open just as the boy started to take them out.The next day he wrote his uncle, ""I chased them through my neighbor's yard, but only got back eleven."" The uncle wrote back: ""You did all right.I only sent six."""
-Write a joke for this category,Animals,"Bob was in love with Nancy, the beautiful young woman across the street. Unfortunately Bob had a speech impediment and she wouldn't marry him because he talked funny. One day he read about a school on the other side of the country, that might be able to help him overcome his handicap. So he enrolled for four months.When Bob returned, his buddy Jimmy picked him up at the airport and asked: ""So? Was it worth it? Were they able to help you?""Bob replied: ""Well - sort - of. - But - now - I - must - talk - very - slow - and - be - very - careful - to - articulate - words - properly.""Jimmy smiled and said: ""Don't worry! Nancy loves you. I'm sure she'll marry you.""Later that night Jimmy dropped Bob off at Nancy's house. But about two hours later Bob rang Jimmy's doorbell. Jimmy asked: ""What are you doing here? Does that mean she's not going to marry you after all?""Bob answered: ""No, - I - don't - think - so.""""Why? What happened?"" Jimmy asked.Bob explained: ""Well, - everything - went - well - at - first. - We - were - sitting - on - the - couch - talking - and - I - saw - the - cat - playing - with - the - balls - on - the - Christmas - tree, - so - I - tried - to - be - witty - and - said:""Look, - honey, - after - we're - married, - you - can - do - that - to - me!"" - But - by - the - time - I - said - it - and - she - looked, - the - cat - was - licking - his - butt!“"
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Clinton, Dole, and Perot are on a long flight in Air Force One. Perot pulls out a $100 bill and says ""I'm going to throw this $100 bill out and make someone down below happy.""Dole, not wanting to be outdone, says, ""If that was my $100 bill, I would split it into 2 $50 bills and make two people down below happy.""Of course Clinton doesn't want these two candidates to outdo him, so he pipes in, ""I would instead take 100 $1 bills and throw them out to make 100 people just a little happier.""At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can't stand it anymore, comes out and says, ""I think I'll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to leave him alone and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.""OK, OK, do you see that tree out there?"" he asked, pointing through the mouth of the cave.""Yes, yes, yes!"" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.""Good,"" said the first bat, ""Because I didn't!"""
-Write a joke for this category,"Family, Parents","Three mothers were sitting around comparing notes on their exemplary offspring. ""There never was a daughter more devoted than my Alice,"" said Mrs. Davis with a sniff. ""Every summer she takes me to the Catskills for a week, and every winter we spend a week at Delray Beach.""""That's nothing compared to what my Anna does for me,"" declared Mrs. Jones proudly. ""Every winter she treats me to two weeks in Miami, and in the summer two weeks in the Hamptons, in my own private guest house.""Mrs. Smith sat back with a proud smile. ""Nobody loves her mother like my Jackie does.Nobody.""""So what does she do?"" asked the two women, turning to her.""Three times a week she gets into a cab, goes to the best psychiatrist in the city, and pays him a hundred and fifty dollars an hour - just to talk about me!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"A lady took her Poodle to the parlor for a haircut. When she asked what it would cost, the girl behind the counter told her ""$60.""The lady was outraged: ""I only pay 50 bucks for my own haircut!""""But you don't bite, do you?"" the girl replied."
-Write a joke for this category,"Family, Parents","Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging betweenthem a young man in a three-piece suit.""This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter,"" said one.""No! He agreed to marry MY daughter,"" said the other.And so they haggled before the King until he called forsilence.""Bring me my biggest sword,"" said Solomon, ""and I shall hew the youngattorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half.""""Sounds good to me,"" said the first lady.But the other woman said, ""Oh Sire, do not spill innocentblood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him.""The wise king did not hesitate a moment. ""The attorney mustmarry the first lady's daughter,"" he proclaimed.""But she was willing to hew him in two!"" exclaimed theking's court.""Indeed,"" said wise King Solomon. ""That shows she is theTRUE mother-in-law."""
-Write a joke for this category,Animals,"There was this bloke who had a dog which he was attempting to train, but alas had very little success. He was on the verge of despair when he happened across a very charismatic American evangelist. He unburdened his soul to the American, who promptly informed him to leave the dog with him, and he would have it trained in a jiffy.The next day the man returns, and asks how the evangelist got on. The reply was positive, and the evangelist calls the dog to give a demonstration.Picking up a stick, he throws it and says 'Fetch.' Instantly the dog takes off, grabs the stick and returns. The evangelist says 'Drop' and the dog drops the stick at his feet. 'Roll over' and the dog rolls over.By this time the dog's owner is very excited, and asks if he can have a go.""Sure,"" replies the evangelist.""Heel,"" says the ownerAnd the dog lifts one paw, places it on the man and says, ""I command this sickness to leave you..."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Bill and Hillary Clinton were traveling to Hillary's high school reunion in Chicago when they had to stop for gas. They pulled up to the full-service pump and waited as the gas station attendant came out to fill up the limo. As he was pumping the gas, Hillary said to Bill, ""Gee, that guy looks so familiar!"" A few minutes later, it hit her. ""Bill!"" she said, ""I do know that guy! We used to date in high school!""Bill turned to Hillary and said, ""Well, aren't you glad you ended up with me?""""Why?"" asked Hillary.""Because I'm the President of the United States and he's pumping gas!""""Well,"" said Hillary, ""If I had married him, he'd be President!"""
-Write a joke for this category,"Family, Parents","The big game hunter gets talked into taking both his wife AND her mother along on one of his expeditions.It does not go well. The mother-in-law is, if anything, harder to get along with in the wilds than she was in the city. And to make matters worse, she won't even abide by the simple camp rules designed to keep the safari safe.One night after dinner, the hunter's wife realizes her mother is missing. Panicked, she rushes to her husband and begs him to institute a search.He sighs, and together they set out. But before they've gone far, they hear throaty growling and soon they come upon a small clearing in which the mother-in-law stands, backed up against thick, seemingly impenetrable jungle brush, and facing a huge male lion.The wife whispers urgently, ""What are we going to do?""""Nothing whatsoever,"" responds her husband. ""The lion got himself into this mess, now let him get himself out of it."""
-Write a joke for this category,Heaven and Hell,"It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle, so the elephants decided to challenge the ants to a game of soccer. The game was going well with the elephants beating the ants ten to nothing, when the ants gained possession of the ball. The ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the elephants' goal when the elephants' left back came stampeding towards him.The elephant stepped on the little ant, killing him instantly. The referee blew his whistle, stopped the game, and gave the elephant the red card.""Oh, my God! They've killed Kenny!"" the other ant players screamed.""What the hell do you think you're doing? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?"" the referee asked the distraught elephant.The elephant cried: ""I didn't mean to kill him! I was just trying to trip him!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Heaven and Hell,"The Ballad Of The Y2K(sing to the tune of ""Gilligan's Island"")Just sit right back and you'll hear a taleOf the doom that is our fate.That started when programmers usedTwo digits for a dateTwo digits for a dateRAM memory was smaller then;Hard drives were tiny, too.""Four digits are extravagant,So let's get by with two.So let's get by with two.""""This works through 1999,""The programmers did say.""Unless we write new code by thenThe data goes away.The data goes away.""But management had not a clue;""It works fine now, you bet!Rewriting code cost money,We won't do it just yet.We won't do it just yet.""Now when 2000 rolls aroundIt all goes straight to hell,For zero less then ninety-nine,As anyone can tell.As anyone can tell.The mail won't bring your pension check;It won't be sent to youWhen you're no longer sixty-eightBut minus thirty-two.But minus thirty-two.The problems we're about to faceAre frightening, for sure.And reading every line of code'sThe only certain cure.The only certain cure.[ key change, the big finish coming ]There's not much time, there's too much code,And COBOL-coders, few.When the century is finished,We may be finished, too."
-Write a joke for this category,Political,"A kid was sitting on his lawn with a box of puppies one morning. George Bush was on his morning run, accompanied by some Secret Service workers. Dubya asked the boy what kind of puppies were in the box. The little boy said, ""Republicans."" The President beamed, patted the boy on the head, and said, ""Thatta boy!"" A few weeks later Bush was jogging again, this time with Dick Cheney in tow. Bush stopped at the boy's house, winked at Dick and said, ""Hey kid, what kind of pupies are in the box?"" The boy said, ""Democrats"" Bush looked crushed, saying, ""What happened? A few weeks ago they were Republicans!"" The boy said, ""Well, the puppies opened their eyes."""
-Write a joke for this category,Sex,"Superman wakes up one day and realizes that he has done everything he could done in metropolis and he was totally bored. He flies away in search of something to do. Pretty soon he comes across Batman swinging across a few skyscrapers.Superman yells down, ""Hey Batman, got anything I can help you with?"" Batman shouts back up, ""No, Superman. I've got everything under control.""Superman continues onward. Eventually he flies over the ocean and looks down at Aquaman. Superman yells, ""Hey Aquaman, gimme something to do!"" Aquaman looks up and yells back, ""Sorry Superman, there's nothing for you to do here.Superman by this point is totally exasperated. He starts to fly back to Metropolis when he all of a sudden sees Wonder Woman lying nude on the beach. ""Yes!"" thinks Superman. ""If I zoom down and do her really quick like only I can do, she'll never know what hit her!"" Superman swoops out of the sky, does his thing in about 5 seconds flat, and flies away before he gets caught.Wonder Woman opens her eyes with a shock and says in surprise, ""What was that all about?""Then the Invisible Man rolls off of her and says, ""I don't know, but my butt is killing me."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"A pirate walks in to a bar, he has the whole pirate gettup: peg leg, funky hat,the long beard, and the parrot. But he has a ship steering wheel in his pants.The bartender says,""Excuse me, but you have a ship steering wheel in your pants.""The pirate says,""Arrrggg, IT'S DRIVING ME NUTS!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Marriage,"A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, ""What are these, Dad?"" The man matter-of-factly replies, ""Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."" ""Oh I see,"" replied the boys pensively. ""Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."" He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, ""Why are there three in this package."" The dad replies, ""Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."" ""Cool!"" says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks ""Then who are these for?"" ""Those are for college men,"" the dad answers, ""Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."" ""WOW!"" exclaimed the boy. ""Then who uses these?"" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, ""Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.The frog said to her, ""If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes.""The woman freed the frog and the frog said, ""Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes (naturally) -that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!""The woman said, ""That would be okay,"" and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.The frog warned her, ""You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to.""The woman replied, ""That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me.""So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, ""That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you. "" The woman said, ""That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine.""So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, ""I'd like a mild heart attack."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, ""What would you like, sir?""He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, ""A quickie.""The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, ""What would you like, sir?"" Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, ""A quickie, please.""This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding ""SMACK!"" and storms away.A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, ""Um, I think it's pronounced 'QUICHE'."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"It was way back when buses first came out. There was a young guy who's gramma just died and he needed to get to his other family to tell them. So he gets dressed in a hurry and runs to the bus stop. The bus driver stops and the guy started walking down the aile and the bus driver said to give him a dime(thats how much it cost back then). So the guy says, ""hold on, I'll have to go get a dime from someone."" The guy starts running down the street asking people for a dime and everyone says no. He finds a prostitute and says, ""Mam can I have a dime, I'll owe you forever."" She pulls out a dime drops it in her panties ""If you want it, come and get it but you must use your mouth"" After he's been down there, he gets on the bus and spits it into the driver's hand The bus driver says, ""Hey... how far do you think your gonna get on a scab?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Sex,"Legend has it that in a pub in Newyork has a magic mirror that will grant wishes if you tell the truth.If you don't POOF you're gone in a flash of smoke. A brunette,a redhead and a blonde went to this pub and headed straight for the mirror. The redhead walked up to it and said ""I think I am the most beautiful girl in the world.""  POOF.She was gone. The brunette walked up and said ""I think I am the most sexiest girl in the world."" POOF.She too had disappaered. The blonde walked up and said ""I think..."" POOF!"
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"The phone rings in the maternity ward. Upon answering, the duty midwife is told by a man ""Mrs Jones is about to give birth, her contractions are just 3 minutes apart!"" The midwife asks ""Is this her first Child?"" Bemused, the man says ""No, don't be daft, this is her Husband!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Heaven and Hell,"A couple made a deal that who ever died first would come back and inform the other of the after life. The woman's biggest fear was that there was no heaven. After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his word he made contact. ""Mary... Mary.... "" ""Is that you Fred?"" ""Yes, I have come back like we agreed."" ""What is it like?"" ""Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon - supper - then sex till late at night, sleep, then start all over again."" ""Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven."" * ""Hell no, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"There was a party on top of a large buildings roof. Two guys were off to the corner when the first guy said ""Watch this""! and with that jumped off the roof. To the second man's suprise he just stayed suspended there and floated back.""Wow!"" said the second man, ""I'll give you $20 if you do that again!"" So the first man did it again. Handing over the $20, the second man shouted ""Right! My turn!"" and with that jumped off to his death.Then another man came up and said to the first ""Damn you're a bastard when you're drunk, Superman!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Sex,"After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over,pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. ""There might be some matches in the top drawer,"" she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry. ""Is this your husband?""he inquired nervously. ""No, silly,"" she replied, snuggling up to him. ""Your boyfriend then?"" he asked. ""No, not at all,"" she said, nibbling away at his ear. ""Well, who is he then?"" demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl replied, ""That's me before the operation."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, ""Go ahead, ask me, Iknow all of them."" A friend says, ""OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"" The blonde replies, ""Oh, that's easy: W."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, ""How long before I can get a haircut?"" The barber looks around the shop and says, ""About 2 hours."" The guy leaves.  A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "" How long before I can get a haircut?"" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, ""About 3 hours."" The guy leaves.  A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, ""How long before I can get a haircut?"" The barber looks around the shop and says, ""About an hour and a half."" The guy leaves.  The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, ""Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes."" A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, ""Bill, where did he go when he left here?"" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says,"" Your house."""
-Write a joke for this category,Old Age,"An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, ""Where are you going?"" He replies, ""To the kitchen."" She asks, ""Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"" He replies, ""Sure."" She then asks him, ""Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"" He says, ""No, I can remember that."" She then says, ""Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that."" He says, ""I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."" She replies, ""Well I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."" With irritation in his voice, he says, ""I don't need to write that down I can remember that."" He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, ""You forgot my toast."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Dear God, So far today, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped. I haven't lost my temper. I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent.I am very thankful for that.But, in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed; and from then on, I'm probably going to need a lot more help.Amen"
-Write a joke for this category,Marriage,"If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in."
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Mr. Rabbit was walking down the road when he spotted a crow at the tip top of a very tall tree. He shouted, ""Good Morning, Mr. Crow.""  Mr. Crow shouted back down, ""Good Morning Mr. Rabbit."" Mr. Rabbit shouted up, ""Whatcha doin' today?"" and the answer shouted back down was, ""Absolutely nothin' Mr. Rabbit - Absolutely nothin' and loving it."" Well, that sounded pretty good to Mr. Rabbit, so he shouted back up, ""Do you think I could do that too?"" Mr. Crow shouted back down, ""I don't see why not!"" So, Mr. Rabbit lay down on the side of the road and began Doing Absolutely Nothing. In 30 minutes a fox came along and ate him. The moral of the story is: You can get away with Doing Absolutely Nothing, but only if you are really high up."
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"There was a man sitting in a bar drinking a beer when a truckie came in and drank it all. The guy burst into tears.""It was only a joke, I'll get you another one"" said the truckie.""That's not it,see I went to work and got fired, then I went to the parking lot and my car was stolen, then I went home to find my wife with another man. So now I'm here, and just when I'm about to end it all, you come in and drink my poisoned Beer."
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Tonto and the Lone Ranger were lost one day. The Lone Ranger says to Tonto, 'Use your Indian instincts and get us out of this mess.'Tonto bends down and put his ear to the ground. He turns and says to the Lone Ranger, 'Buffalo come.' The Lone Ranger says to Tonto 'How do you know?' Tonto Says 'Ear sticky'"
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.  One day, she spoke about her problem with a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, ""There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."" ""That doesn't matter,"" replied the blonde, ""as long as I can sell the car."" ""Okay,"" said the brunette. ""Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be problem to sell it anymore."" The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, ""Did you sell your car?"" ""No,"" replied the blonde, ""why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a Family in Egypt and is named ""Amal."" The other goes to a family in Spain; They name him ""Juan."" Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ""But they are twins - if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."""
-Write a joke for this category,Animals,"A little boy came down to breakfast. Since they lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores. ""Not yet,"" said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.  Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. ""How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my ""cereal?"" he asks.  ""Well,"" his mother says, ""I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning."" Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, ""Are you going to tell him, or should I?""."
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which is the other possiblity. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as ""Euro-English."" In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of the 'k'. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replased with the 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer peopl will be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'. During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and similar changes vud, of kors, be aplid to oza kombinations of letas. After ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru!"
-Write a joke for this category,Crazy Jokes,"Just before Thanksgiving, a lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ""Do these turkeys get any bigger?"" The stock boy replied, ""No ma'am, they're dead."""
-Write a joke for this category,"Family, Parents","My uncle once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister.""Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind.""The minister said, ""Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach thou shall not steal, that changed your heart?""My uncle responded, ""No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat."""
-Write a joke for this category,Aviation,"Two mathematicians were travelling in an airplane from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an engine, but not to worry, there were three left. However, instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York. A little later, the pilot again came over the intercom. He announced that a second engine failed, and while they still had two left, it would now take 10 hours to get to New York. Somewhat later, the intercom buzzed again, and the pilot announced that a third engine had died. Never fear, he announced, the plane could fly on a single engine. However, it would now take 18 hours to get to new York. At this point, one mathematician turned to the other and said, ""You realize that if we lose that last engine we'll be up here forever!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"A biologist, a psychologist, and a mathematician were sitting in a bar drinking coffee.Across the street, they watch as 2 people walk into the house, and then 3 people come out.""They must have reproduced!"" cries the biologist.""It can't be physically done!"" cries the psychologist.""You guys are both wrong"" says the mathematician. ""Now there are negative one person in the house."
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Two sausages were in a pan.One sausage turns to the other and says, ""Man, Its getting hot in here.""The other sausage screams and says, ""AH! A talking sausage!!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Religious,"Gravy Ladle In France, the young assistant pastors do not live in the main rectory. That is reserved for the pastor and his housekeeper.  One day the pastor invited his new young assistant pastor to have dinner at the rectory. While being served, the young pastor noticed how shapely and lovely the housekeeper was and he wondered... After the meal was over, the middle-aged pastor assured the young priest that everything was purely professional and that she was the housekeeper and cook and that was that. About a week later the housekeeper came to the pastor and said, ""Father, ever since the new assistant came for dinner, I have not been able to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?"" The pastor said, ""Well, I doubt it but I'll write him a letter."" So he wrote, ""Dear Father, I'm not saying that you did take the gravy ladle and I'm not saying you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing since you were here for dinner."" The young assistant received the letter and he answered it as follows, ""Dear Father Pastor, I'm not saying that you do sleep with the housekeeper and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with the housekeeper. But I do know for sure that if you slept in your own bed... you would have found the gravy ladle by now!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, ""Oh, God! Help me!"" At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, ""I thought you didn't believe in Me!"" ""Come on God, give me a break!!,"" the man pleaded. ""Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,Fellow orders a triple whisky at the bar and stikes up a conversation with the landlord.Fellow: I shouldn't drink this with what I've Got!Landlord: Why what have you got?Fellow: Fifty Pence!
-Write a joke for this category,"Family, Parents","A young virgin marries a Greek man and before the wedding her father tells her that, being Greek, her husband may ask her to turn the other way in bed one day, but the she doesn't have to do it if she doesn't want to.  Sure enough, after a couple of months, her husband asks her to turn over and she says ""No, my father said I don't have to do this.""  Her husband says OK, that's fine by me, but I thought you wanted children."
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. ""I've never been better!"" he boasted. ""I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"" The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, ""Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."" The doctor continued, ""So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle."" ""And do you know what happened?"" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied ""No"". The doctor continued, ""The bear dropped dead in front of him!"" ""That's impossible!"" exclaimed the old man. ""Someone else must have shot that bear."" ""That's kind of what I'm getting at..."" replied the doctor."
-Write a joke for this category,Police Jokes,"A man is sitting in a plane which is about to take-off , when another man with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside. The dog sits in the middle with a seat all to himself.The first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline. The dog handler says to the first man Don't mind Rover he is a sniffer dog, the best there is, I'll show you once we get airborne, and I set him to work.Eventually, the plane takes off and when it levels out the handler says to the first manWatch this. He tells the dog""Rover, search"". The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle to the back of the plane and sits next to a woman for a few seconds, it then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handlersarm. He says ""Good boy"", and turns to the first man and says,That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note ofthis, and the seat number, for the police who will apprehend her on arrival. Fantastic! replies the first man. Once again the man says to the dog ""Rover search"".This time he sent the dog down to the front of their plane.The dogsniffs about,sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and placesboth paws on the handlers arm He says ""Good boy"", and turns to the first man and says, That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of this, and theseat number. That's marvellous, I never seen anything like it! says the first man. Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. He goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone, and then comes racing back, jumps up onto the seat and this time craps all over the place.The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks What the bloody hell is going on?  The handler replies ""Oh god, He's just found a bomb!!"
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested."
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, & are watching the auctioning off of bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: ""A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year."" The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, & comments, ""See! That was more than 5 times a month!"" The second bull is to be sold: ""Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year."" Again the wife bugs her husband, ""Hey, that's some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!"" Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison. The third bull is up for sale: ""And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!"" The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, ""That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!"" The husband was pretty irritated by now, & yells back, ""Sure, once a day! But ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Holidays,"A couple are coming back from their holidays and they're trying to work out how they're going to smuggle the Skunk they picked up for a very reasonable price at Skunks-R-Us through Customs. The husband suddenly comes up with an idea. He turns to his wife and says ""Put it down the front of your knickers"".The wife looks shocked and asks ""What about the smell?""""Well,"" exclaimes the husband ""If it dies, it dies!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"An elderly man and his wife showed up at a doctors office for an appointment for the old man. Once in the office,the doctor tells the old man he needs a urine sample, as stool sample, and a sperm sample. Now the old man, being hard of hearing asks his wife,""What, what did he say?"" At which time his wife yells in his ear, ""He wants to see your underwear""."
-Write a joke for this category,"Family, Parents","Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the Christmas gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, ""I built a big house for our mother."" The second said, ""I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."" The third smiled and said, ""I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well.So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. Ittook elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind.Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."" Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks: ""Milton,"" she wrote one son, ""The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."" ""Gerald,"" she wrote to another, ""I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"" ""Dearest Fred,"" she wrote to her third son, ""You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"There are three blondes walking through the woods, and they come upon a set of tracks.The first blonde says ""Those are deer tracks.""The second blonde says ""No, those are bear tracks.""The third blonde says ""You are both wrong, those are moose tracks.""Then the get hit by a train."
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"An Irish guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. ""What's up ?"" he says. ""I'm having a heart attack"", cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialling, his 4 year old son comes up and says, ""Daddy, Daddy, Uncle Mick's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on !"" The guy slams down the phone and storms upstairs into the bedroom past his screaming wife and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there's his brother, totally naked cowering on the wardrobe floor. ""You bastard"", says the husband, ""my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Medical,"Fred was in the hospital, near death, so the family sent for his pastor. As the pastor stood beside the bed, Fred's frail condition grew worse, and he began to flail about as he tried to speak. Being unable to do so, he then motioned frantically for something to write on. The priest, keeping watch at the side of his bed leaned quietly over and asked, ""Do you have something you would like to say?""  Fred nodded to the affirmative, and the priest handed him a pad and pen. ""I know you can't speak, but use this to write a note, and I will give it to your wife. She's waiting just outside."" Gathering his last ounce of strength, Fred took them and scrawled his message upon the pad which he stuffed into the priest's hands. Then, moments later, he died. The pastor thought it best not to look at the note just then, so he slipped it into his jacket pocket. After administering the last rites, the priest left to break the sad news to the wife. Several days later, at the funeral, the pastor delivered the eulogy. He realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he'd worn the day Fred died. ""You know,"" he said, ""Old Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't read it yet, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."" He unfolded the note and proceeded to read aloud, ""YOU'RE STANDING ON THE OXYGEN TUBE!!"""
-Write a joke for this category,"Family, Parents","A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife ""Mother of Six"" in spite of her objections.  One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.  He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home now Mother of Six?""  His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretionshouts back... ""Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"""
-Write a joke for this category,"Family, Parents","A mother had three daughters and, on their wedding, she tells each one of them to write back about their marriage life. To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to using newspaper advertisements as a ""code"" to let the mother know how their love lives are going. The first one gets married and the second day the letter arrives with a single message, simply: ""MAXWELL COFFEE HOUSE"" Mother got the newspaper and checked the Maxwell Coffee House advertisement, and it says: ""Satisfaction to the last drop..."" So, Mother is happy. Then the second daughter gets married. After a week, there was a message that reads: ""ROTHMAN'S MATTRESSES"". So, the Mother looks at the Rothman's Mattresses ad, and it says: ""FULL SIZE, KING SIZE"" And Mother is happy. Then it was the third one's wedding. Mother was anxious. After four weeks came the message: ""BRITISH AIRWAYS"" And mother looks into the British Airways ad, but this time she fainted. The ad reads: ""THREE TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"A man moved to an unfamaliar area and was very lonely.So he decides to buy some pets.He went walking into town and noticed a man selling chickens.He went up to the man and said: ""I'll take one hen and one rooster."" The man gladly sold him the birds but warned: ""Sure sir, but just be advised we call them cocks and pullets around here, not roosters and hens."" The man joyfully left with his two new pets and decided to buy one more.So he came up to a man selling donkeys.  ""I'll take that donkey"" he said, pointing a particularly healthy looking donkey. ""Sure sir, but first of all we call them asses around here, not donkeys, and this particular one is pecuilar.She will stop walking after a while, but if she does, just scratch her on the back and she will start back up again."" So the man bought the donkey and went on his way home.Sure enough, the donkey stopped walking after a while.The man had his hands full with the birds, so he couldn't scratch her.Luckily, a woman walked by.The man looked at her and smiled saying: ""Will you please hold my cock and pull it while I scratch my ass!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Heaven and Hell,"An Englishman, a New Zealander and a South African walk into a bar for a drink. The Kiwi orders a round of Tequila Slammers for the group.They slam and down their drinks in one.The Kiwi then picks the glasses up in one hand and throws them in the air. He draws a pistol and shoots the three glasses before they hit the ground.The Englishman asks ""Why did you do that?""The Kiwi replies that because they have so much sand in New Zealand it's easy making glasses so they never have to use the same one twice.The South African then orders three Tequila Slammers and they each slam and down their drink.The South African then picks the glasses up, throws them in the air, draws his gun and shoots them before they hit the ground.The Englishman asks why he did it and like the Kiwi explains that there is so much sand in South Africa that glass can be easily made which means never having to drink out of the same glass twice.So the Englishman orders three Tequila Slammers. Each one duly is slammed and downed. The Englishman then pulls out his gun and shoots the Kiwi and the South African.A man runs up and asks ""Why the hell did you shoot them?"" He replies ""Well I'm from Earls Court where there are thousands of 'em. So it means I never have to drink with the same ones twice."""
-Write a joke for this category,Holidays,"One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Johnny's father said, ""Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas."" Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again.The father said, ""Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time."" Well, a couple of days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. His father asked him why he was leaving and the boy said, ""Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and DAMN if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Heaven and Hell,"Freddie Mercury, Gianni Versace and Princess Di arrive at the Pearly gates.St Peter explains that only one can get through and that they each have to put forward their case for entry.Freddie says ""I know I haven't led a perfect life and I've made some mistakes along the way, but I've made some of the most beautiful music in the world. I'll stand at the back of heaven, and serenade everybody with my wondrous songs, making heaven a far happier place to be""""Pretty good, Fred"" said St Peter, ""what about you Gianni?""Versace says, ""I make the most beautiful clothes in the world. I'll completely redesign the fashions up here, from the archangels to the cherubs to the choirboys. As you well know Pete if you look good you will feel good and that will make heaven a much happier place""""Not bad"" says St Peter. ""What about you Di?""Diana doesn't say a word, instead she lifts up her skirt and pulls down her knickers, inserts a full bottle of Evian water into her arse, lets the water shoot up inside her and then gush out all over the floor.""Excellent, you're in"" says St Peter""Hold on a f*cking minute"" says Freddie ""She didn't even say anything""""Bo!!ocks, Fred you know the rules"" says St Peter, ""A royal flush beats a pair of Queens every time...."""
-Write a joke for this category,Marriage,"An American couple was sitting outside a souvenir shop in the desert, waiting for their tour bus. A local salesman approached them. After an impassioned sales pitch yielded no results, the salesman eyed the wife thoughtfully. ""I'll give you 100 camels for your wife,"" he offered. The husband looked stunned, and there was an awkward silence. Finally he replied, ""She's not for sale."" ""What took you so long to answer?"" the wife cried indignantly as soon as the salesman left. ""Well,"" her husband replied, ""I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"To prepare for his big date, the young man went on top of the roof of his apartment building in order to get a little colour for himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof and managed to get sunburned on his""tool of trade"". Being very determined the young man decided not to miss his date because it was with a hot blonde. So, he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze, feeling this should resolve his painful situation. The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young Man treated her to a home-cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up. After several minutes of extreme discomfort he asked to be excused, went to the kitchen, and poured a tall, cold glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief from his pain. The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to find him with his unit immersed in a glass of milk. Baffled, the blonde exclaimed, ""So, THAT'S how you load those things!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"A blonde had just bought two horses but she couldn’t tell them apart. She went and asked a neighbour for some help ""I can't tell these horses apart"" she said.The neighbour told her to cut the tail of one of them off. So the blonde cut off the tail, and that worked great until the other one got it's tail cut off too. So, the blonde goes and tells the neighbour ""I can’t tell them apart again!”.Well says the neighbour “Try cutting off the tip of one of the horses ears.” So the blonde cuts off the tip of the ear. That also worked great until the other one got a part of it's ear cut off. The Blonde goes back to the neighbour and tells him what happened. The neighbour says well measure them that will work for sure. It worked a treat since the white one was 6 inches taller than the black one!"
-Write a joke for this category,State Jokes,"Two cowboys from Texas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking a beer and talking about current cattle prices. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the cowboys looks at herand says,""Kin ya swaller?"" The woman shakes herhead, no. ""Kin ya breathe?""  The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head. The cowboy walks over to the woman, lifts up the backof her dress, yanks down her panties and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. The woman is so shocked, that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the cowboywalks slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer.  His partner says, ""Ya know, I'd heard of that there ""Hind Lick maneuver"", but I ain't never seen nobody do it before."""
-Write a joke for this category,Animals,"On the local rock radio station the DJ was reading out some requests. ""This is a special birthday dedication to Sarah who's one hundred and eleven!"" Puzzled by how someone could be that old and listening to rock music, he re-read the message on the sheet of paper in front of him, and then said ""Oh, sorry, I read that wrong; it's a special birthday dedication to Sarah who's ill."""
-Write a joke for this category,Business,"A nerdy-looking fellow shuffled timidly into the sales manager's office. ""I don't suppose you want to buy any life insurance?"" he asked hesitantly. ""No, I don't."" ""That's what I figured. Well, thanks anyway."" And he turned and made gratefully for the door. ""Hang on a sec, young man,"" the executive called out. ""You know, I've worked with salespeople all my life, and I have to say that was the most pathetic sales pitch I've ever encountered. You have to have confidence, my boy. Shoulders back, look the customer in the eye, believe in yourself! In fact, just to give you a little boost, I'll give you a sale right now. Write me up for that policy after all."" ""Thank you, sir, ever so much,"" said the salesman gratefully, presenting him with the papers. The sales manager signed with a flourish. ""And now that you're feeling more confident, you should learn some tricks of the trade."" ""Quite right sir, good idea,"" said the salesman, grinning; ""Always useful. Actually, the one I used just now is for sales managers."""
-Write a joke for this category,"Family, Parents","A budding actor: ""Dad guess what? I've got my first part in a , I play the part of a man who has been maried for 25 years."" Father: ""That's a good start son, just keep at it and one of these days you'll get a speaking part."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"An architect, an artist and an Accountant were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress because of the passion and mystery he found there.The Accountant guy said ""I like both.""""Both?"" The others asked. The Accountant guy replied ""Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, & are watching the auctioning off of bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: ""A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year."" The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, & comments, ""See! That was more than 5 times a month!"" The second bull is to be sold: ""Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year."" Again the wife bugs her husband, ""Hey, that's some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!"" Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison. The third bull is up for sale: ""And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!"" The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, ""That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!"" The husband was pretty irritated by now, & yells back, ""Sure, once a day! But ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"A duck walks into a bar and says, ""Got any bread?"" The barman says ""No."" The duck says,""Got any bread?"" The barman says ""NO!"" ""Got any bread?"" ""I said N-O, NO!"" ""Got any bread?"" ""For crying out loud - N-O spells NO, and I mean NO!"" ""Got any bread?"" ""NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO"" ""Got any bread?"" ""Look, if you ask me one more f**king time if I have got any bread, I'm going to nail your f**king beak to the f**king bar!"" ""Got any nails?"" ""No"" ""Got any bread?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Religious,"A Jewish man moved into a strict Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday, the Catholics practically went crazy. While they were eating fish, the Jew was in his backyard barbecuing steaks. So, the Catholics finally decided to try and convert the Jew to Christianity. Finally, by long endurance, the Catholics succeeded. They took the Jew to a priest who sprinkled holy water on him and said, ""Born a Jew, raised a Jew, now a Catholic."" The Catholics were ecstatic. No more delicious, but maddening smells every Friday evening! But the following Friday, the scent of barbecued steak wafted through the neighborhood. The Catholics all rushed to the Jew's house to remind him of his new diet. They found him standing over the sizzling steak, knife in one hand, his other hand dipped in a glass of water. He sprinkled water over the meat, saying, ""Born a cow, raised a cow, now a fish!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Two men are standing before a judge. Both men were arrested on the same day and given the assignment to devise a program to prevent others from committing crimes. After spending two days in jail they were ask to present their ideas to the judge.The first man holds up a poster displaying two circles,one smaller than the other. He points to the small circle and says, ""This is the amount of citizens who do not commit crimes. Then, pointing to the larger circle he explains ""This is the amount that do. I will tell people if they commit crimes they will have to endure an overcrowded jail.""The second man grabs the poster and pointing to the smaller circle says, ""I'll tell men this is your butt before jail.""Then he points to the large circle saying.""This is it after."""
-Write a joke for this category,Heaven and Hell,"Three ducks go to heaven.The first duck waddles up to St. Peter and St. peter asks ""What happened, you know, how did you die?"" The duck replies, ""I was just minding my own buisness, floatin' along in the water, i stuck my head under, started blowin' bubbles and a boat ran over my back."" St. Peter lets him into heaven. The second duck walks up and St peter asks the duck the same question, ""What happened?""  The duck replies, ""Same thing here, i was just minding my ouwn buisness, floatin' in the water, stuck my head under the water, started blowin' bubbles, then a boat runs over my back."" St. Peter lets him into heaven. The third duck walks up and St. Peter asks, ""Let me guess, a boat ran you over?"" The duck shakes his head and replies, ""Nope, I'm Bubbles"""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, ""It's not a ship."" The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, ""It's not a boat."" The speck gets even closer and he thinks, ""It's not a raft."" Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and she says, ""How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"". ""Ten years!"" he says. She reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, ""Man, oh man! Is that good!""  Then she asks, ""How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"". He replies, ""Ten years!"" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, ""Wow, that's fantastic!"" Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, ""And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"" And the man replies, ""My God! Don't tell me you've got an internet connection in there!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.  One day, she spoke about her problem with a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, ""There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."" ""That doesn't matter,"" replied the blonde, ""as long as I can sell the car."" ""Okay,"" said the brunette. ""Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be problem to sell it anymore."" The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, ""Did you sell your car?"" ""No,"" replied the blonde, ""why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill.The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, ""My son is a homebuilder and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free."" The second man said, ""My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded."" The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, ""My son is a stockbroker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."" The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, ""We are just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"" The fourth man replied, ""Well, my son is gay and dances in a gay bar. I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."
-Write a joke for this category,Money,"Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way.One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the doted line he realised that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, ""Do you notice anything different about me?"" And the gentleman answered, ""Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears.""Merv got very angry and threw him out.The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, ""Do you notice anything different about me?"" and she replied: ""Well, you have no ears.""Merv again was upset and tossed her out.The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question:""Do you notice anything different about me?"" And to his surprise, the young man answered: ""Yes. You wear contact lenses."" Merv was shocked, and said, ""What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?""The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, ""Well, it's pretty damn hard to wear glasses with no ears!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Computers,"A man goes to his doctor complaining of bad headaches.His doctor says, ""We just got this new machine.You take a urine sample and feed it into the machine, and it tells you everything that is wrong with you."" Thinking this is pretty amazing, the man gives a sample and the doctor feeds it into the machine.It spits out a piece of paper, which the doctor reads.""According to this, you have tennis elbow."" ""But there's nothing wrong with my elbow,"" the man replies. ""It's my head"". The doctor gives him a specimen cup and tells him to bring in a new sample the next day, and they will try again. When he gets home, the man is angry and thinks to himself, ""I'll show that doctor."" So he takes the dipstick from his car and puts some oil in the cup.When his wife and daughter get home, he has each of them urinate in the cup, then he finishes by  The next day he goes back to the doctor and hands him the specimen.The doctor feeds it into the machine, then reads the printout. ""Well, what does it say?"", the man asks,laughing. ""According to this,""the doctor replies,""your car needs an oil change, your wife has crabs, your daughter is pregnant, and your tennis elbow won't get better if you keep"
-Write a joke for this category,Business,"A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, ""Your first job will be to sweep out the store.""""But I'm a college graduate,"" the young man replied indignantly.""Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that,"" said the manager. ""Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"A wife was complaining to her husband, about how less fortunate she was with her breast size. She wanted bigger boobs. Her husband simply replied: ""Rub some toliet paper on your chest, it worked with your butt"""
-Write a joke for this category,Marriage,"A married man had a sweet young thing of a secretary and decided to take her to dinner. He called his wife to tell her that he had to 'work late' and she said, 'no problem.' After dinner they went back to her apartment and had mad sex for hours. On the way home he noticed a huge hickey on his neck. He fell into a state of panic. What was he going to tell his wife? He walked in the door and was greeted by his excited and happy dog. Ispired, he fell to the floor and pretended to fight off the affectionate dog. Holding his neck with one hand he walked into the living room and exclaimed,' Honey! Look at what the dog did to my neck!'His wife jumped up, ripped open her blouse and said, 'That's nothing, look at what he did to my breasts!'"
-Write a joke for this category,"Family, Parents","Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat.  He said, ""Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my trousers and handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here - try these on.' So, she did, and said, 'These are too big,I can't wear them.'So I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the trousers in this family, and I always will.'Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.""  ""Hmmm,"" said Jack. He thought that might be a good thing to try, so on his honeymoon, Jack took off his trousers and said to Jill, ""Here, try these on."" So she did and said, ""These are too large, they don't fit me."" So Jack said,""Exactly. I wear the trousers in this family, and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."" Then Jill took off her knickers and handed them to Jack and said, ""Here, you try on mine. ""So he did, and said, ""I can't get into your pants."" So Jill said, ""Exactly. And if you don't change your attitude, you never will."""
-Write a joke for this category,Animals,"A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to ""Where do pets come from?"" Adam and Eve said, ""Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."" And God said, ""No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."" And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, ""Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."" And God said, ""No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."" And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and as a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail. After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, ""Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.""  And God said, ""No problem!I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."" And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not obey them.And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved. And God was pleased. And Dog was happy. And Cat didn't give a damn one way or the other."
-Write a joke for this category,Sex,"There was this couple who always had sex for twenty years with the light off. So one night the wife says lets have sex with the light on. The husband says ""tomorrow night honey"". That night the wife turns the light on and sees her husband using a cucumber to pleasure her. she screams ""You've been using that thing for twenty years, explain it to me."" So the husband says ""I will as soon as you explain how we have 4 children!!!!"""
-Write a joke for this category,"Family, Parents","This young boy was playing with a dew worm in the yard.His grandfather watching on the porch, yells out to his grandson:""I'll give you $5 if you can shove that worm back into the hole"".The boy grabs the slimy, slinky worm and tries to shove it in the hole. After about 5 minutes, the boy runs inside to get a can of hair spray. The young boy sprays the worm stiff, and sticks it in the hole without a problem.The grandfather, amazed, gives the boy a clean crisp 5 dollar bill.The next day, the grandfather goes over to the grandson and hands him another 5 dollar bill, to which the boy enquires ""What's this 5 dollar bill for""?The grandfather replies, ""Your grandma though it was a pretty good trick too!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Heaven and Hell,"It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home. ""Hello?"" says the little girl's voice. ""Hi, honey, it's Daddy,"" says John. ""Is Mommy near the phone?"" ""No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred.""  After a brief pause, John says, ""But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!"" ""Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"" ""Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house."" ""Okay, Daddy!"" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. ""Well, I did what you said, Daddy."" ""And what happened?"" ""Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."" ""Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?"" ""He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."" There is a long pause................ ""Swimming pool? Is this 555-3097?”"
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades. One knight told his best friend "" My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade.""The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching. Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted. A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend. He said "" Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"A man took his old duck to the Doctor, concerned because the duck wouldn't eat. The Doctor explained to the man that as ducks age their upper bills grow down over their lower bills and make it difficult for the animal to pick up it's food.  ""What you need to do is gently file the upper bill down even with the lower bill. But you must be extra careful because the duck's nostrils are located in the upper bill and if you file down too far, when the duck takes a drink of water it'll drown.""  The man goes about his business and about a week later the Doctor runs into his patient. ""Well, how is that duck of yours?"" the Doctor inquires. ""He's dead."" declared the heartbroken man. ""I told you not to file his upper bill down too far! He took a drink of water and drowned didn't he?"" insisted the Doctor. ""No."" lamented the man. ""I think he was dead before I took him out of the vice."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"There were three women speeding dowm a country road. One was a brunette, another a redhead, and the third a blonde. A cop saw them speeding and put on his siren. The three girls pulled over, got out of the car and each climbed up a different tree to hide.The cop pulled over and tried to find them. He came to the tree where the brunette was and shook it. The brunette said ""CAW! CAW!"" ""Oh it must be a crow."" he thought.Next he came to the tree where the redhead was hiding.""Tweet tweet!"" she said. ""Oh it must be a sparrow"" he thought.Then he came to the tree where the blonde was hiding.The cop shook the tree and the response was ""Moooo!"""
-Write a joke for this category,"Family, Parents","A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, ""I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it"" A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, ""Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!"" The young man waited a moment and replied, ""You know dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."" His father replied, ""Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Walking his blonde date to the front door, Keith said to her, ""Will I see you pretty soon?""""What's the matter,"" she asked, hurt. ""Don't you think I'm pretty now?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"A burglar entered the house of a Quaker and proceeded to rob it. The Quaker heard the noise, took his shotgun downstairs, and pointed the gun at the burglar. He then said gently, ""Friend, I mean thee no harm, but thou standest where I am about to shoot. """
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"A blowhard Air Force major was promoted to colonel and received a brand-new office. His first morning behind the desk, an airman knocked on the door and asked to speak to him. After telling him to come in, the colonel felt an urge to impress the young airman, so he picked up his phone and said, ""Yes, General, I'll get that to the President immediately. Goodbye, sir. ""Then, turning to the airman, he barked, ""Now what do you want?""""Nothing important,"" the airman said, ""I just came to install the telephone. """
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Flight attendant: I'm sorry to inform you, Mr. Jones, but we accidentaly left your wife back in Chicago. Man: Thank goodness!I thought I was going deaf!"
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. ""In English,"" he said, ""A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative. ""A voice from the back of the room piped up, ""Yeah, right. """
-Write a joke for this category,Computers,">A tech support employee once received a call from a disgruntled lady who had purchase one of their PCs. ""The cup holder on my computer broke!I just got some coffee and put it in the cup holder and then it broke, and the coffee spilled all over me! I want a replacement!""The employee was a little confused and didn't know what to say. He finally asked her to describe the cup holder to him. . . he'd never heard of his company selling in-computer cup holders. So the lady went on to describe the cup holder to him. ""Well, it pops out of the little box when I push a button, and it has 40x written on it. . . """
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"A blonde girl just stepped into the bathtub when the doorbell rang. ""Who is it?""""Blind man,"" came the response. Feeling charitable, the blonde dashed from the tub without bothering to put on any clothes, grabbed her purse, and opened the door. The man's jaw dropped and he stammered, ""Wh-where do you want me to put these blinds, lady?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Idiots,"Professor: If there are any idiots in the classroom, please stand up. There was a long pause, then a lone freshman stood up in the back. Professor: So you consider yourself an idiot?Freshman: Well, not exactly. I just hated seeing you being the only one standing."
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"There once was a very happy truck driver that was eating in a diner at night. Three motorcyclists came and and proceeded to pick on the truck driver by pouring pepper and salt all over him, spitting in his coffee, and stealing his food. The truck driver didn't do anything, just stood up, paid his check, and left the diner. ""That truck driver sure ain't much of a fighter,"" said one of the cyclists. The girl behind the counter, peering out into the night, added, ""He doesn't seem like much of a driver either. He just ran his truck right over three motorcycles. """
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Newsboy: Extra, extra!Read all about it-two men swindled. Man:Give me one. Say, there isn't anything about two men being swindled. Newsoy: Extra, extra!Three men swindled."
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"A lawyer sent an overdue bill to a client with a note that said, ""This bill is one year old. ""By return mail, the lawyer received the bill back with a note attached to it, saying: ""Happy Birthday. """
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Doctor: I have some good news and some bad news. Which do you want first?Patient: Give me the bad news first. Doctor: Well, we accidentally amputated the wrong leg. Patient: What's the good news?Doctor: It turns out that your other leg didn't need to be amputated at all."
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"A blonde wearing a brown wig walks in a store and says to an employee ""I'd like to buy that TV"". The employee replies ""Sorry, I don't sell TV's to blondes"", and the blonde leaves the store. The next day, the same blonde walks in wearing a red wig. She says ""I wish to buy that TV"", to which the employee replies again ""Sorry, I don't sell TV's to blondes"". The blonde leaves the store. . . The next day, the same blonde walks in the store, with her hair dyed in black. She says ""I would like to buy that TV"". The employee replies again ""Sorry, I don't sell TV's to blondes"". The blonde is totally confused and asks the man, ""I'm sorry, but I've worn a red and brown wig, and now I dyed my hair black, how did you know I am a blonde?"". ""Well"", says the man, ""that's not a TV, it's a microwave. """
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"A woman went to her psychiatrist and said, ""Doctor, I want to talk to you about my husband. He thinks he's a refrigerator. "" ""That's not so bad,"" said the doctor. ""It's a rather harmless complex. "" ""Well, maybe,"" replied the lady. ""But he sleeps with his mouth open and the light keeps me awake along with the chillness. """
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"A young couple trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle went to a party. The conversation soon came to Mozart, ""Absolutely brilliant…lovely…oh, a fine fellow…a genius, Mozart was. ""The woman, wanting to get in on the conversation remarked, ""Ah, Mozart. You're so right. It was just this morning that I saw him getting on the No. 5 bus going to South Padre Island. ""There was a sudden hush and all eyes were turned toward her. The husband pulled her aside and angrily barked, ""We're leaving right now. ""In the car on the way home the wife turned to the husband and said, ""You're really mad about something aren't you?""""How could you tell? My goodness! I've never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No. 5 bus to South Padre Island, huh? Everybody knows that the No. 5 Bus doesn't go to South Padre Island!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Police Jokes,"Just before a new redneck had his first parachute jump, his sergeant reminded him, ""Count to ten, then pull the first rip cord. If it snarls, pull the second rip cord for your auxiliary chute. After you land, our truck will pick you up. ""The paratrooper took a deep breath and jumped. He counted to ten and pulled the first cord. Nothing happened. He pulled the second cord. Again, nothing happened. As he plummeted to the ground, he said to himself, ""I'll bet that truck won't be there either!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. ""Sid,"" asked Al, ""Are there any Jews in China?"" ""I don't know,"" Sid replied. ""Why don't we ask the waiter?"" When the waiter came by, Al asked him, ""Are there any Chinese Jews?"" ""I don't know sir, let me ask,"" the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, ""No, sir. No Chinese Jews. """"Are you sure?"" Al asked. ""I will check again, sir. "" the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, ""I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere. "" When the waiter returned he said, ""Sir, no Chinese Jews. """"Are you really sure?"" Al asked again. ""I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews. """"Sir, I ask everyone,"" the waiter replied exasperated. ""We have orange jews, prune jews, tomato jews and grape jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese jews!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Idiots,"Two rednecks had just gone fishing and brought in the largest amount of fish they had ever seen. One said to the other, ""Did you mark the place where the fishing was so good?""""Yes, I put an X on the side of the boat. """"You idiot. That if we were gonna take a different boat next time?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten legs on them. Each bird had a sack over its head; only the legs were showing. He sat straight in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the birds' legs and give the common name, habitat, genus and species. The student looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it the madder he got. Finally he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor's desk and said, ""What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?"" With that the student threw his test on the professor's desk and walked to the door. The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn't know every student's name so as the student reached the door the professor called, ""Mister, what's your name?"" The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said, ""You tell me buddy! You tell me!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"A village blacksmith working at his open forge hammering a white-hot horeshoe had just finished the shoe and thrown it on the ground to cool. A real wanna-be redneck walked in at just that moment. He picked up the horseshoe and fumbled with it while howling in pain. He then dropped it and tried to regain his composure. ""Pretty hot, eh?"" asked the blacksmith with a chuckle. ""Naw,"" said the redneck. ""It just doesn't take me long to look at a horseshoe. """
-Write a joke for this category,Sex,"A little boy walked in on his mom and dad having sex and the mom was jumpin all over the dad.So the next day the little boy asks his mom what she was doing. She replies with ""Honey, I was jumping because Daddy is fat and needs to lose weight.""The little boy said ""But Mommy, that won't work because every morning the lady next door comes over and blows him back up!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work. The first one said, ""I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside them is numbered."" ""I think librarians are the easiest,"" said the second. ""When you open them up, all their organs are arranged alphabetically."" The third surgeon said, ""I prefer to operate on electricians. Their organs are color-coded."" ""You're all wrong,"" said, the fourth. ""Lawyers are easiest. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and asses are interchangeable."""
-Write a joke for this category,Heaven and Hell,"Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, ""What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."" The teacher answered quickly, ""That would be the Titanic."" St.Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: ""How many people died on the ship?"" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie, and answered, ""1,228."" ""That's right!"" St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. ""Name them."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Morris walks into Dr. Cohen's office and puts a note on the table in front of the Doctor. The note says, ""I can't talk, please help me!"" The doctor thinks for a while and says to Morris, ""Put your member on the table here."" Morris thinks this is a bit weird, but Cohen is a specialist, so does as he says. The doctor takes a rubber mallet and hits Morris' member with it as hard as he can. The man cries in great agony, ""AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"" Then the doctor says, ""Good, come again tomorrow and we'll learn B!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Religious,"A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their ""freedom."" As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover. After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, ""I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, its my"
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"An American and North Korean are bragging about their countries.The American says ""In my country, our technology is so good that we know who will win an election two hours before the polls close!""The North Korean doesn't blink and says ""Well in my country we know who will win two years before the polls close."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results. ""I'm afraid I have some very bad news,"" the doctor says. ""You're dying, and you don't have much time left."" ""Oh, that's terrible!"" says the man. ""How long have I got?"" ""Ten,"" the doctor says sadly. ""Ten?"" the man asks. ""Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"" ""Nine..."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"A cowboy is riding across the plains of the old west, when he is captured by Indians. The tribe puts him on trial for crimes against the Indian Nation, and he is found guilty. ""You have been sentenced to death,"" said the Chief, ""but, as is our custom, you have three wishes to make as your last requests."" The cowboy thought for a minute and said, ""Well, for my first wish, I'll need my horse."" ""Give him his horse,"" said the Chief. The cowboy whispered something into the horse's ear, and the horse took off like a shot across the prairie. Twenty minutes later, the horse returned with a beautiful blonde woman on its back. The cowboy looked at this, shrugged his shoulders, and helped the young lady off the horse. He then took her into the woods and had his way with her. ""Second wish,"" said the Chief. ""I'll need my horse again,"" said the cowboy. ""Give him his horse,"" said the Chief. Once again, the cowboy whispered into the horse's ear, and once again the horse rode off over the prairie. Thirty minutes later, the horse returned with a beautiful brunette on its back. The cowboy looked up and shrugged, helped the young lady off the horse, and went into the woods, same reason as before. ""This is your last wish,"" said the Chief, ""make it a good one."" ""I'll need my horse again."" ""Give him his horse,"" said the Chief. The cowboy grabbed each side of the horse's head, and put his face right up to the horse's. ""You stupid horse, I said POSSE!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Heaven and Hell,"There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying.But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time she was sitting next to a man.When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.After awhile he turned to her and asked ""You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?""The lady replied ""Of course I do.It is the Bible.""He said ""Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?She replied ""Oh, Jonah.Yes I believe that, it is in the Bible.He asked ""Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?""The lady said ""Well I don't really know.I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him.""""What if he isn't in heaven?"" the man asked sarcastically.""Then you can ask him.""replied the lady."
-Write a joke for this category,Sex,"You may be a redneck if:Your porch collapses and more than six dogs dieYou mow your lawn and find a carYou consider a family reunion as a chance to meet ""Ms. Right""You grab your boots a jacket and a flashlight to go to the bathroomYour idea of ""safe sex"" is locking the car door"
-Write a joke for this category,Religious,"The Seven Dwarfs Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy rushes in and says,""Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!"" Everyone gets all excited and chants, ""We finally get to ask him, we  finally get to ask him."" The next day, they're all standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front  of the other six.All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, ""Go  ahead,Dopey, ask him, ask him!"" The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, ""Do you have a question to ask me,  young man?""Dopey looks up shyly and says, ""Well, yes."" The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask. Dopey asks, ""Well, do....do they have nuns in Alaska?""The Pope replies, ""Well, yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Alaska.""The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, ""Askhim the rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!"" The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey continues, ""Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?""To which the Pope replies, ""Well, my son, I think there must be a few black nuns in Alaska,  yes.""Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, ""Ask him the last part, Dopey, ask him the last part!"" The Pope asks Dopey, ""Is there still more to your question?""To which Dopey replies, ""Well, uh, yeah.....are there, uh, are there any midget black nuns  in Alaska?""The startled Pope replies, ""Well, no, my son, I really don't think there are any midget black nuns in Alaska.""At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors, and the others start laughing, and yelling, ""Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Children,"A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner ""Mom & Pop"" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. ""Oh, no laundry,"" the boy said, ""I'm going to wash my dog."" ""But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.""But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.""Oh, he died,"" the boy said.The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, ""I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."" ""Well,"" the boy replied, ""I don't think it was the detergent that killed him.""""Oh? What was it then?""""I think it was the spin cycle!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"In the days of old sailing ships the captain of the Seahawk went out on deck to get some fresh air, when from above a cry came down from the crow's nest: ""Enemy ship off the port bow!"" The captain said to the ensign standing next to him, ""Get me my red shirt. "" A battle ensued and the Seahawk prevailed. Two weeks later the captain was again on deck when another cry came from the crow's nest, ""Two enemy ships off the starboard bow!"" The captain again says to the ensign, ""Get me my red shirt. "" After the battle was won the ensign asked the captain why he tells him to get his red shirt. The captain said that if he is wounded and the blood begins to flow the crew will not see that he was injured and keep on fighting. The crew overheard this and was proud to have such a brave captain leading them. A week later another cry came from the crow's nest, ""TEN enemy ships approaching!"" The captain said to his ensign, ""Get me my brown pants!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Police Jokes,"A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. ""But officer,"" the man began, ""I can explain."" ""Just be quiet,"" snapped the officer. ""I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."" ""But, officer, I just wanted to say,"" ""And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, ""Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."" ""Don't count on it,"" answered the fellow in the cell. ""I'm the groom."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Q: How are lawyers like nuclear weapons?A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever."
-Write a joke for this category,Money,"Computer Terms 486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC. State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford. Obsolete - Any computer you own. Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete. G3 - Apple's new Macs that make you say ""Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago."" Syntax Error - Walking into a computer store and saying, ""Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."" Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error. GUI - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced ""gooey"") Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors. Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate. Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer. Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips. Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline. Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS. System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software."
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, ""Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"" The third fellow says ""I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."" The first two guys were amazed. ""What happened then?"" they asked. ""She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."""
-Write a joke for this category,Money,"The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Atlantic Ocean. Tragically, they all died and went to the Pearly Gates together. ""Oh, this is terrible,"" exclaims St. Peter, ""I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. St. Peter was fretting, ""Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready. We can't take you in just yet and we can't send you back."" Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, ""Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. I'll owe you one."" Reluctantly, the Devil agreed. Two days later... ""Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey you gotta come get these three clowns. This Pope guy is forgiving everybody, the Graham fellow is saving everybody, and Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. 'So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?' The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying, 'Ehhhh .. 22!' The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. 'And can you tell us your height, please?' The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, 'Five foot two!' This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. 'And uhh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?' The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, 'Mandy!' The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, 'Just out of curiosity, Miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?' 'Ohh that!', replies the blonde, 'That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....''"
-Write a joke for this category,Animals,"A man takes his dog to the Vet and says, ""Doctor, I think my dog is dead."" The Vet told him to put the dog on the table and then left the room. Soon he came back with a cat. The cat sniffed the dogs ears, his nose and then walked all over him. The Vet said ""Yep, your dog is dead. That will be $500 and 35 dollars."" The man said, ""$500 and 35 dollars! What for?"" The Vet said, ""$35 for the office visit and $500 for the cat scan."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"""Mr. Clark, I'm afraid I have bad news,"" the doctor told his anxious patient. ""You only have six months to live."" The man sat in stunned silence for the next several minutes. Regaining his composure, he apologetically told his physician that he had no medical insurance. ""I can't possibly pay you in that time."" ""Okay,"" the doctor said, ""let's make it nine months."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"The Post Office briefly considered issuing stamps with Bill and Hillary's faces on them. However, test marketing verified that the customers would spit on the wrong side of the stamps."
-Write a joke for this category,Police Jokes,"A car breaks down along the expressway one day, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the highway. He jumps out of the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in trench coats.The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. This results in one of the worst pile-ups in history. When questioned by police why he put two deviates along the side of the road, the man replied, ""I broke down and was just using my emergency flashers!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him. ""What is it?"" yells the President. ""It's this abortion bill, Mr. President. What do you want to do about it?"" the aide asks. ""Just go ahead and pay it."" responds the President."
-Write a joke for this category,Sex,"A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients. However, a little voice in his head said ""Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients so its not like you're the first..."". This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said, ""... but they probably weren't veterinarians""."
-Write a joke for this category,"Family, Parents","An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, ""I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners."" The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, ""So, what's the catch?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Money,"Businessman's DepressionA businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody - it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe. When he had finished, the priest said, ""Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do."" A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a donation in thanks for his advice. The priest recognized the benefactor, and was curious. ""You did as I suggested?"" he asked. ""Absolutely,"" replied the businessman. ""You went to the beach?"" ""Absolutely."" ""You sat in a beach chair with the Bible on your lap?"" ""Absolutely."" ""You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"" ""Absolutely."" ""And what were the first words you saw?"" ""Chapter 11."""
-Write a joke for this category,Police Jokes,"A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down. Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph. He then relayed, ""...and you're not going to believe this, but there's guy on a 10-speed bike honking to pass."""
-Write a joke for this category,Police Jokes,"Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, ""Why'd you do that? The trooper says, ""You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."" Driver says, ""I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."" The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick. The passenger says, ""What'd you do that for?"" The cop says, ""Just making your wishes come true."" The passenger says, ""Huh?"" The cop says, ""I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that sucker would've tried that with me!'"""
-Write a joke for this category,Computers,"A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says:""The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars"".""Why does the parrot cost so much?"" the customer asks.The owner says, ""Well, it knows how to use a computer.""The customer asks about the next parrot and is told ""That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.""Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot and is told ""That one costs 2,000 dollars.""Needless to say this begs the question ""What can IT do?""To which the owner replies ""To be honest I've never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, ""I want you to give me 12-year scotch, and don't try to fool me because I can tell the difference.""The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with 5-year scotch. The man takes a sip, scowls and says, ""Bartender, this crap is 5-year scotch. I told you I want 12-year scotch."" The bartender tries once more with 8-year scotch. The man takes a sip, grimaces and says, ""Bartender, I don't want 8-year scotch like this filth. Give me 12-year scotch!""Impressed, the bartender gets the 12-year scotch, the man takes a sip and sighs, ""Ah, now that's the real thing."" A disgusting, grimy, stinking drunk has been watching all this with great interest. He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says, ""Hey, I think that's really far out what you can do. Try this one.""The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries, ""Yechhh! This stuff tastes like piss!"" The drunk's eyes light up and he says, ""Yeah, now how old am I?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Military,"You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as ""Area 51?"" Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their ""secret"" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying ""you-did-not-see-a-base"" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way. The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, ""Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Police Jokes,"A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, ""Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did *I* get the ticket?"" ""Ever go fishing?"" the policeman suddenly asked the man. ""Ummm, yeah..."" the startled man replied. The officer grinned and added, ""Ever catch *all* the fish?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"A cowboy runs into a bar and says to the bartender, ""Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!""The bartender pours out the shots, and the cowboy drinks them as fast as he can. The bartender says, ""Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast.""The cowboy replies, ""Well, you'd drink that fast too if you had what I have.""The bartender says, ""Oh my God! What is it? What do you have?""""About fifty cents!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Three blondes were stuck on an island. then, a magic fairy appeared and gave them each a wish. The first one asked to be really smart, so the fairy turned her into a red head and she swam off the island. The second blonde asked to be even smarter, so the fairy turned her into a brunette and she built a boat and sailed off the island. The third blonde asked to be smartest of them all, so the fairy turned her into a man and he walked across the bridge."
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"His And Hers ATMs HIS: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Insert card 3.  PIN number and account 4. Take cash, card and receipt HER: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Check makeup in rearview mirror 3. Shut off engine 4. Put keys in purse 5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine 6. Hunt for card in purse 7. Insert card 8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it.9.  PIN number 10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes. 11. Hit ""cancel"" 12. Re- correct PIN number 13. Check balance 14. Look for envelope 15. Look in purse for pen 16. Make out deposit slip 17. Endorse checks 18. Make deposit 19. Study instructions 20. Make cash withdrawal 21. Get in car 22. Check makeup 23. Look for keys 24. Start car 25. Check makeup 26. Start pulling away 27. STOP 28. Back up to machine 29. Get out of car 30. Take card and receipt 31. Get back in car 32. Put card in wallet 33. Put receipt in checkbook 34.  deposits and withdrawals in checkbook 35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook 36. Check makeup 37. Put car in reverse gear38. Put car in drive 39. Drive away from machine 40. Travel 3 miles 41. Release parking brake"
-Write a joke for this category,Heaven and Hell,"There was once a young lawyer, age 29, who was on his way to work when he was hit by a bus. He goes to heaven and meet's St. Peter and pleads, ""I am much to young to die, there must be a mistake!"". St. Peter thinks about this for a moment and goes out the back to consult with God. Ten minutes later he returns saying, ""There's no mistake, according to the hours you have billed your clients, you are 176 years old""."
-Write a joke for this category,Sex,"Two guys are in a bar discussing their sex lives. One guy says to the other, ""How's your sex life, buddy?"" The other guy answers, ""Not too good. Every time me and the missus have sex, she loses interest half-way through. It's very frustrating. "" The first guy says, ""Yeah, I know what you mean. I used to have the same problem, but I found a cure. I hid a starter pistol under the bed. When she started to run out of steam, I simply fired the starter pistol. It gave her such a fright that she got all excited, and couldn't get enough. I wish I'd done it years ago!"" The other guy says, ""Hmmmm... I think I'll try that."" The next day they are back in the bar again. The first guy says, ""How did you get on with the starter pistol?"" The other guy says, ""Don't talk to me about starter pistols! Last night we were having a little 69. As usual, she lost interest half way through, so I fired the bloody starter pistol, just like you said."" The first guy says, "" So??? What happened?"" The other guy says, ""She bit my whang, pooped on my face, and a naked man came out of the closet with his hands up! """
-Write a joke for this category,Police Jokes,"A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. ""Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!"", he whined. ""You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!"" retorted the officer. ""You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"" ""Oh my gaaaad..."", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was. ""Where's my Rolex???!!!!"
-Write a joke for this category,Holidays,Top Ten Reasons Hurricane Season is Like Christmas 10. Up on a ladder in bad weather; either decorating the house or boarding up windows. 9. You drag out boxes of supplies you haven't used since last season. 8. Last minute shopping in crowded stores. 7. Favorite TV shows pre-empted for 'specials'. 6. Family comes to stay with you. 5. Long distance calls from friends you don't usually hear from. 4. Buying food you don't normally buy - and in large quantities. 3. Days off from work. 2. Candles are your light of choice. And the number one reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas... 1. At some point you wind up with a tree in your house!
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: ""My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."" ""Well put,"" the judge replied. ""Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."" The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out."
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"The man was in a hurry to board the airplane and didn't have time to do the paperwork to get his little doggie on board. So the man stashed the puppy down the front of his pants and sneaked him on the plane. About 30 minutes into the flight, a stewardess noticed that the man was squirming in his seat. ""Are you OK, mister?"" the stewardess asked.""Yes, I'm fine,"" said the man. Time went by and again the stewardess noticed strange movements. ""Are you sure you're all right, sir?""""Yes,"" the man insisted, ""but I have a confession to make. I didn't have time to do the paperwork to bring my puppy on board, so I hid him down the front of my pants.""""I see,"" the stewardess said. ""Well, as long as he's housebroken, I guess it will be OK.""""Oh, he's housebroken,"" the man replied. ""The problem is, he's not weaned yet!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, ""Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"" ""What do you mean? I'm fine."" ""What about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."" ""Well,"" said the pirate, ""We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the Doc fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."" ""Oh yeah? Well what about that hook? The last time I saw you, you had both hands."" ""We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the Doc fixed me up with the hook, and I feel great, really."" ""Oh,"" said the bartender, ""what about that eye patch? The last time you were in here you had both eyes."" ""One day when we were at sea some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye."" ""You're kidding,"" said the bartender, ""you couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird crap!"" ""Well, I really wasn't used to the hook yet."""
-Write a joke for this category,Money,"A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, ""It's a lot of money!""After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!)The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, ""$165,000!"" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, ""Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. ""Where did you get all of this money?""The old lady replied, ""I make bets.""The president then asked, ""Bets? What kind of bets?""The old woman said, ""Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.""""Ha!"" laughed the president, ""That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!""The old lady challenged, ""So, would you like to take my bet?""""Sure,"" said the president, ""I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!""The little old lady then said, ""Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?""""Sure!"" replied the confident president.That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: ""$25,000 says the president's balls are square!""The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president did. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. ""Well, Okay,"" said the president, ""$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.""Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, ""What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?""She replied, ""Nothing, except that I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."""
-Write a joke for this category,"Family, Parents","""Do you believe in life after death?"" the boss asked one of his employees. ""Yes, sir,"" the clerk replied.""That's good,"" the boss said. ""After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."""
-Write a joke for this category,Heaven and Hell,"In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, ""Just what the hell you are doing?"" ""Well,"" said the guy, ""you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"" ""That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!"" the guy replied. ""I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"It had snowed in Washington DC and Hillary had just arrived home and was walking into the White House when she noticed that someone had pissed in the snow, ""I love you Hillary"". Outraged she asked a secret service agent to find who had done this disgusting act. A while later the agent came back and Hillary asked if he had found the culprit. The agent said, ""I have good news and bad news. The good news is that the piss is Bills but the bad news is that the hand writing is Monica Lewinsky's.""."
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, ""I bet you don't know what day this is."" ""Of course I do,"" he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office. At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived . Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. ""First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!"" she exclaimed. ""I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back to his wife, Jean. Unfortunately, he mistyped a letter and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson, the wife of a preacher who just passed away. The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted. When she was finally revived, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: ""Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"A beautiful, well-dressed blonde seats herself in the first class cabin on a cross-country flight, and settles herself in for the trip, smiling prettily at admiring passengers seated around her.Underway, a flight attendant soon approaches the blonde and says, 'Miss, I'm sorry, but I see that your ticket is for coach, and you're seated in first class I'm afraid you'll have to move.' The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a model.' Slightly incredulous, the attendant alerts the senior flight attendant. The senior attendant approaches the blonde and says, politely, 'I'm sorry, Miss, but since your ticket is for coach, you'll have to move back.' The blonde replies, sweetly, 'I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a model' -- and shows no signs of moving. Frustrated, the senior attendant informs the captain, and he says he'll deal with the problem. He turns over flight control, walks to the rear, and observes the blonde seated comfortably in first class. Approaching her with a smile, the captain leans over and speaks quietly into the blonde's ear. Almost immediately, the blonde gathers her things, gets up, and moves quickly to the coach compartment. Amazed, the senior flight attendant asks the captain, 'Captain, I'm impressed ... what did you say to her?' The captain grinned slyly and said, 'I just told her that the first class cabin doesn't go to New York.'"
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, ""I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."" ""That's quite a coincidence,"" said the engineer. ""I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."" The lawyer looked somewhat confused. ""How do you start a flood?"" he asked."
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, ""Would you like to dance?"" The girl says, ""I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you."" The guy says, ""I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants."""
-Write a joke for this category,Farmers,"There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country. The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, ""Mmmmm, I smell sausage. The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said ""Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes."" The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. The baby mole said, ""The only thing I can smell is molasses."""
-Write a joke for this category,Religious,"In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wit's end trying to control them. Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys. The father replied, ""Sure, do that before I kill them!"" The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest. The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, ""Where is God?"" The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing. Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked ""Where is God?"" Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to boy's nose, and asked, ""Where is God? The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, ""We are in BIIIIG trouble."" The older boy asked, ""What do you mean, BIIIIG trouble?"" his brother replied, ""God is missing and they think we did it."""
-Write a joke for this category,"Family, Parents","Top Ten Reasons Why The Computer Industry Is Finally Opening Up To Women 1. It's easier for a woman to ""turn on"" a computer2. Women don't have motherboard fixations.3. Women are much better at FDISK-ing a hard drive4. When lost on the Internet, women are willing to ask for directions.5. Women can communicate gossip and rumors quicker than the fastest modem.6. Only women (I think) can marry Bill Gates.7. Women see a 14 inch monitor they think it's a 14 incher and not a 20.8. Women have bigger SMART drives.9. Women don't think with their joysticks.10. Women actually read installation manuals."
-Write a joke for this category,Heaven and Hell,"President Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an administrative foul up, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope was sent to hell. The Pope explained the situation to the devil, he checked out all of the paperwork, and the error was acknowledged. The Pope was told, however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix the problem and correct the error. The next day, the Pope was called in and the devil said his good-byes as he went off to heaven. On his way up, he met Clinton who was on his way down. They stopped to chat. ""Sorry about the mix up"" says the Pope. ""No problem,"" replies Clinton. ""Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven."" Clinton asks, ""Why's that?"" ""Well, I've always wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.""President Clinton replies, ""you're a day late""."
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"There was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead stranded on an island. The nearest land was about 20 miles away. Well, they're all getting sick of one another, and the brunette decides to swim the 20 miles to land. So she swims, and swims, and swims, gets about 10 miles, about half way, and she is exhausted. So she puts up her arms...and drowns. The redhead is thinking, ""She must have made it!"" So she swims, and swims, and swims, gets about 10 miles, about half way, and she is exhausted. So she puts up her arms...and drowns. The blonde is left on the island thinking, ""They must have made it!"" So she swims, and swims, and swims, and gets 19 miles! She can see the beaches and the tall buildings, but she is exhausted! So she puts up her arms... and swims back to the island. :-)"
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. ""There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."" Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question. ""Will I be acquitted?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Money,"There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him. An angel hears his plea and appears to him. ""Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."" The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed. Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Peter seeing the suitcase says, ""Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"" But, the man explains to Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, Peter checks and comes back saying, ""You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check it's contents before letting it through.""Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, ""You brought pavement?!!!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Attorney to witness: ""And where was the location of the accident?"" Witness: ""Approximately milepost 499."" Attorney: ""And where is milepost 499?"" Witness: ""About halfway between milepost 498 and milepost 500."""
-Write a joke for this category,Medical,"A young woman was in the hospital, recovering from major surgery. She hated being stuck in the tiny little room all day and to make matters worse, the daily routine was starting to get to her. Every morning, for example, the nurse would bring her breakfast (which always consisted of an egg, piece of toast, and glass of apple juice). She would then return a little bit later to empty the urine bottle. And so it continued... Finally, one morning, she decided to have a little fun. She ate the eggs and the toast, but went to the bathroom where she cleaned the urine bottle out, then poured the apple juice into it. When the nurse returned later that morning, he took a look at the bottle and a frown came over his face. ""Obviously, you enjoyed your breakfast, but something must be wrong because this looks a little cloudy,"" he said, pointing to the urine bottle. ""Oh, really?"" she replied, picking up the bottle in question and putting it to her lips. ""In that case, we'd better run it through again..."""
-Write a joke for this category,Religious,"About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed. The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, ""I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."" An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what had happened. The Pope said, ""First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"" Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. ""What happened?"" they asked. ""Well,"" said Moishe, ""First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."" ""Yes, yes,.. and then???"" asked the crowd. ""I don't know,"" said Moishe, ""He took out his lunch, and I took out mine."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"An Irishman was in the South of France and could not understand why Pierre had attracted so many girls on the beach and he had attracted no one. So he asked Pierre, ""How do you manage to attract all the girls and I attract no one?"" Pierre said, ""Take a potato and tuck it in your swimming costume, it drives the women wild."" So the Irishman stuffed a potato in his costume and paraded up and down the beach. After a great many hours, however, he still failed to arouse a woman. So the Irishman went to see Pierre again and said, ""I've tried it Pierre, it doesn't work!"" Pierre took one look at the Irishman and said, ""You might try putting the potato in the front of your bathing suit!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Sex,"Two women were at a bar. One looked at the other and said, ""You know, 80 percent of all men think the best way to end an argument is to make love.""""Well,"" said the other woman,"" that will certainly revolutionize the game of hockey!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Money,"HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine & dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.... HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN: Show up naked. .... with Beer"
-Write a joke for this category,Computers,"A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says:""The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars"".""Why does the parrot cost so much?"" the customer asks.The owner says, ""Well, it knows how to use a computer.""The customer asks about the next parrot and is told ""That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.""Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot and is told ""That one costs 2,000 dollars.""Needless to say this begs the question ""What can IT do?""To which the owner replies ""To be honest I have never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Heaven and Hell,"Bill Gates dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him, ""Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."" Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says ""I'll take this option."" ""Fine,"" says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. ""That was Bill Gates!"" cried Lucifer. ""Why did you give him the best place of all?"" ""That's what everyone thinks,"" snickered Satan. ""The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't."" ""What about the PC?"" ""It's got Windows 95!"" laughed Satan. ""And it's missing three keys."" ""Which three?"" ""Control, Alt and Delete."""
-Write a joke for this category,Bar Jokes,"Every night, after dinner, a man took off for the local tavern. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home very drunk around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine. One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all. The friend listened to her, and then said, ""Why don't you treat him a little differently, when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways."" The wife thought that might be a good idea. That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door, and quickly went to it, and opened the door, and let Harry in. This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to him, ""It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed, now, don't you think?"" At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, ""I guess we might as well. I'll be getting in trouble with the stupid wife when I get home anyway!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Crazy Jokes,"There were three fathers to be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for their babies to be born. The nurse came out and told the first father, ""Congratulations, you're the father of twins!"" ""It figures,"" the first father said. ""I'm the manager of the Minnesota Twins."" Five minutes later the nurse came out and told the second father, ""Congratulations you're the father of triplets!"" ""It figures,"" the second father said. ""I work for 3M."" At that the third father fainted dead away. The second father turned to the first and asked, ""What's the matter with him?"" The first father replied, ""He works for 7-Up!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Animals,"Two brothers, John and Richard lived  in the same town. John with his 12 year  old cat, Richard with their 88 year old  Mother. John's whole life was his cat.  He never went anywhere without her.  One  day he was faced with a terrible decision.   He had to go to England on business for  his company and he could not take the cat  into England with having to quarantine her  for 14 days. He wouldn't do that so he was  faced with either losing his job or leaving  his cat.   Finally he decided to trust his brother with  the cat for the week he would be gone.  He  gave Richard detailed instructions, schedules, food, etc. Finally he flew to London and  called Richard every few hours to make sure  Gracie the cat was ok. 4 days of this went by and John was really getting to be a pain in the  neck.  On the fifth day when he called, John asked  Richard how Gracie was and Richard told him.  ""Gracie is dead!""  Well as you can imagine, John nearly had a heart attack.   When he recovered he said to Richard, ""that was  the most cruel thing I ever heard.  You know  how much I loved that cat, why couldn't you  have broken it to me gently. You know like when I called said something like, 'well she's OK but  she is up on the roof.' And then when I called  the next time, tell me 'oh oh, bad news, she  fell off the roof and she's at the vets'. And then the next time break the news that she  passed away. At least I would have been a little  prepared for the bad news."" ""Yes, you are right John. I am sorry for being  so heartless."" John accepted Richard's apology for being so  uncaring, and then said, ""oh, by the way, how's  Mother?"" Richard then said, ""well, John, she's OK, but she's  on the roof!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Heaven and Hell,"An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.  St. Peter  checks his dossier and says, ""Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."" So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.  Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.  After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, ""So, how's it going down there in hell?""   Satan replies, ""Hey, things are going great.  We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."" God replies, ""What???  You've got an engineer?  That's a mistake--he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."" Satan says, ""No way.  I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."" God says, ""Send him back up here or I'll sue."" Satan laughs uproariously and answers, ""Yeah, right.  And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Heaven and Hell,"We all know how Cinderella wanted to go to the ball but her wicked stepmother wouldn't let her and then the fairy godmother pops up and gives Cinderella some good news: The fairy godmother tells Cinderella that she will provide for her, everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. Cinderella asks what she needs to do and the fairy godmother replies, ""First, you must wear a diaphragm.""   Cinderella's mouth drops open and says, ""You must be crazy!  I'm on  the pill, and I don't need to wear a diaphragm.""   The fairy godmother reminds Cinderella about all the handsome princes  that will be attending the ball that night, and Cinderella agrees to  wear a diaphragm. ""Well, what's the second condition?""  Cinderella asked. The fairy godmother replies, ""You must be back home by 2:00 A.M. Well, Cinderella explains that if she's gonna go party with the princes, she wants to be out all night long.  The fairy godmother tells Cinderella that if she's not home by 2 A.M., then her diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin. She goes on to say that at least she'll be with the princes most of the evening, so Cinderella agrees to be home at 2 A.M... At 2 A.M., Cinderella doesn't show up...3 A.M., no Cinderella...4 A.M., no Cinderella...finally, at 5 A.M., Cinderella shows up at the door with a huge grin on her face. The fairy godmother stands up and looks at  Cinderella and says, ""Where the hell have you been?  Your diaphragm  was supposed to turn into a pumpkin 3 hours ago!!!"" Cinderella tells the fairy godmother that she met a prince and he took care of it for her.  The fairy godmother wonders about a prince with this type of power and asks Cinderella his name to which she replies, ""I can't remember, but it was Peter Peter something or other...."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"A woman goes to the doctors, and says, ""Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem.  I'll have to take my clothes off to show you.""   The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe.   She does so, and the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready.  ""Well, what is it?"" he asks. ""It's a bit embarrassing,"" she replies, ""These  two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs.""  The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is.  Then he suddenly asks, ""Have you been having an affair with a gypsy lately?""  The woman blushes and says, ""Well, actually I have.""  ""That's the problem,"" the doctor says, ""Tell him his earrings aren't made of gold!!!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from  the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town.  ""I'm lookin'  for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!"" he said to the bartender.   ""We got her!"" replied the barkeeper.  ""She's upstairs in the second room on the right."" The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and two beers.  He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and yelled, ""I'm lookin' for the meanest,  roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!"" The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, ""You found her!"" Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.   ""How do you know I want to do it in that position?"" asked the miner. ""I don't,"" replied the whore, ""but I thought you might like to open those beers first."""
-Write a joke for this category,Sex,"An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.  As soon as he had a chance,  the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered,  ""Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years.  Just cooperate with anything he wants.  If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it.  Our lives depend on it."" ""Dear,"" the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, ""I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a  really nice, tight-looking butt!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Idiots,"A couple on vacation was driving their RV through Wisconsin. As they approached the town of Oconomowoc they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth as they entered the town, and continued to bicker while they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter the husband asked the cashier, ""Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"" The girl leaned over the counter and said, ""Burrrrrr-gerrrrrr-Kiiiing."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.  When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.  At the second house they presented him with a  box of fine cigars.  The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.    At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.  She took him by the hand, gently led him through  the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the  bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had  ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she  fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles,  and fresh-squeezed orange juice.  When he was truly satisfied she poured him  a cup of steaming coffee.  As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.  ""All this was just too  wonderful for words,"" he said, ""but what's the dollar for?""   ""Well,"" she said, ""last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.  I asked him  what to give you.  He said, 'SCREW him.  Give him a dollar.'  The breakfast was my idea."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.  The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.  But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the bannister for dear life.  She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned,  ""Whatever happened to you, honey?  You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!""  The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak,  ""Ohhh God!  He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York on a dark night.  The passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk, and stops inches from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, ""Look friend, don't EVER do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"" The passenger apologizes and says he didn't realize that a ""little tap"" could scare him so much. The driver, after gathering himself together replied, ""Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving hearses for the last 25 years!"
-Write a joke for this category,Light Bulbs,"Q: How many software people does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. That's a hardware problem. A: One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down. A: Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project."
-Write a joke for this category,Light Bulbs,"Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb? A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fee (binary only). A: Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it usually drops it, and the others call for a planning session. A: Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number of one of their subordinates to actually change it."
-Write a joke for this category,Light Bulbs,"Q: How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb? A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again."
-Write a joke for this category,Light Bulbs,"Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years."
-Write a joke for this category,Science,"Q: How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go back on."
-Write a joke for this category,Light Bulbs,"Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb. A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in."
-Write a joke for this category,Light Bulbs,"Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three:     One to write the light bulb removal program,     one to write the light bulb insertion program, and     one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time."
-Write a joke for this category,Light Bulbs,"Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare."
-Write a joke for this category,Light Bulbs,"Q: How many [IBM] Technical Writers does it take to change a light bulb? A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only, ''This page intentionally left blank,'' and 20% of the definitions are of the form ''A"
-Write a joke for this category,Light Bulbs,Q: how many cabbage patch dolls does it take to change a light bulb? A: the question is irrelevant since you couldn't find the dolls even if you knew how many. Notes: Topical to 1983 and the difficulty of obtaining cabbage patch dolls
-Write a joke for this category,Light Bulbs,Q: How many ''pro-lifers'' does it take to change a light bulb? A: 6: 2 to screw in the bulb and 4 to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing.
-Write a joke for this category,Light Bulbs,"Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed? A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile..."
-Write a joke for this category,Light Bulbs,"Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end."
-Write a joke for this category,Light Bulbs,"Q: How many referral agents does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago."
-Write a joke for this category,Light Bulbs,Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
-Write a joke for this category,Light Bulbs,"Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. It's left to the reader as an exercise. A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke. A: One. He gives it to five Oregonians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke. A: In an earlier article, zeus!bobr writes:"
-Write a joke for this category,Light Bulbs,"Q: How many libertarians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Libertarians never change light bulbs, because someone might enter the room who wants to sit in the dark."
-Write a joke for this category,Crazy Jokes,"A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, ""Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."" The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. ""Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."" Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, ""All right buddy, what's your name?"" ""Sam,"" the man moaned. ""Where ya from, Sam?"" With pain in his voice Sam replied ""The balcony."""
-Write a joke for this category,Animals,"Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, ""What are you up to there, Nancy?"" ""My goldfish died,"" replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, ""and I've just buried him."" The neighbor was concerned, ""That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"" Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, ""That's because he's inside your stupid cat."""
-Write a joke for this category,Animals,"A farmer rears 25 young hens and one old cock. As the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer buys one young cock from the market and puts it in the pen with the old cock and the hens... Old Cock: Welcome to the farm. We'll work together towards productivity. Young Cock: Whattya mean? As far as I know, you are old and should be retired. Old Cock: Young boy, there are 25 hens here, can't I help you with some? Young Cock: No! Not even one, all of them will be mine. Old Cock: In this case, I challenge you to a competition and, if I win, you let me have one hen. If I lose you have them all. Young Cock: Okay. What kind of competition? Old Cock: 50-yard dash. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 yards. Young Cock: No problem! We race tomorrow morning. Confidently, the following morning, the Young Cock allows the Old Cock to start off and when the Old Cock crosses the 10-yard mark, the young cock chases him with all his might. He was right behind the old cock in a matter of seconds and -- BANG! Before he can overtake the old cock, he is shot dead by the farmer, who sighs and says, ""Damn. That's the fifth gay chicken I bought this week."""
-Write a joke for this category,Animals,"A man walks outside to his car for work, when he notices a gorilla in his tree. He rushs to his phone book and finds the animal control number, calls and asks them to send over someone who's a gorilla expert. When the man arrives, he is carrying a shotgun, a chihuahua and a pair of handcuffs. The man says,''What are all of those for?'' The animal control officer says, ''I'll climb up in the tree, knock the gorilla down, the dog will bite him in the nuts and you must slap the handcuffs on his wrists.'' The man asks, ''What is the gun for?'' The animal control officer responds, ''If I fall first, you shoot the dog!'''"
-Write a joke for this category,Animals,"A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home. The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened. He kept on increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept on coming home before him. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there. Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asked her, ""Jen is the cat there?"" ""Yes, why do you ask?"" answered the wife. Frustrated the man said, ""Put that cat on the phone, I'm lost and I need directions."""
-Write a joke for this category,Crazy Jokes,"This guy suspects his wife is cheating on him. He comes home early and she meets him at the door in a bathrobe, her hair a mess. ""Where is he?"" he shouts. ""Where's the guy who's been sleeping with you?"" ""I don't know what you're talking about"" she says so he tears the house apart looking for this guy. Finally he's on the second floor, in the kitchen, he looks out the window and sees some guy sitting in a Volkswagen. ""Aha!"" he thinks, ""That's the guy who's been sleeping with my wife."" He's so furious he picks up the refrigerator, throws it out the window at the guy, has a heart attack and dies. So St. Peter meets him at the gates of Heaven and asks ""What are you doing here?"" The guy says ""Well, I knew my wife was cheating on me so I came home early from work, saw him sitting in his Volkswagen out on the street, threw the refrigerator at him, I had a heart attack and died."" St. Peter says ""You don't belong here; go to Hell."" He pulls a big lever, a trap door opens up and the guy disappears. A few minutes later another guy comes up to St. Peter at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter asks ""What are you doing here?"" The guy says ""I don't know! I was just sitting in my Volkswagen, minding my own business, when suddenly somebody throws a refrigerator at me."" St. Peter wags his finger and says ""I heard about you... you go to Hell too."" He pulls the lever and the guy disappears. A few minutes later another guy comes up to St. Peter at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter asks ""What are you doing here?"" The guy says ""I don't know! I was just sitting in a refrigerator, minding my own business..."""
-Write a joke for this category,Religious,"A married man goes to confessional and says to the priest, ""Father, I had an affair with a woman... almost."" ""What do you mean almost?"" question the priest. ""Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."" ""Rubbing together is the same as putting it in,"" explains the priest. ""You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."" The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then decides to leave. The priest quickly runs over to the man and exclaims, ""I saw that... you didn't put any money in the poor box!"" ""Well Father, I rubbed up against it and, like you said, it's the same as putting it in!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Sports,"One Sunday afternoon, a guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender said, ""Sorry, pal. No pets allowed."" The man replied, ""This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and you'll see."" The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turned on the game. The guy said, ""Watch. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips.""  The Jets keep scoring field goals and the dog keeps flipping and jumping. ""Wow! That's one hell of a dog you got there. What happens when the Jets score a touchdown?"" asked the bartender. The man replied, ""I don't know. I've only had him for seven years."""
-Write a joke for this category,Sports,"A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run....run! The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: ""R-r-run you bastard, r-run will you!"" A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams ""R-r-run you bastard, r-r-run will you!""  The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling ""R-r-run you bastard, r-r-run!"" All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whisper, ""He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."" After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, ""Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Animals,"A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, ""You can't bring that dog in here."" ""You don't understand,"" says the man. ""This is no regular dog, he can talk."" ""Listen, pal,"" says the bartender. ""If that dog can talk, I'll give you a hundred bucks. ""The man puts the dog on a stool, and asks him, ""What's on top of a house?"" ""Roof!"" ""Right. And what's on the outside of a tree?"" ""Bark!"" ""And who's the greatest baseball player of all time?"" ""Ruth!"" ""I guess you've heard enough,"" says the man. ""I'll take the hundred in twenties.""  The bartender is furious. ""Listen, pal,"" he says, ""get out of here before I belt you."" As soon as they're on the street, the dog turns to the man and says, ""Do you think I should have said 'DiMaggio'?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Children,"It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a bite. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice next to him.  The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass. The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. Shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch. The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer. ""Son"" he said, ""I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?""  The boy responded, ""Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."" ""What was that?"" the old man asked. Again the boy responded, ""Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."" ""Look,"" said the old man, ""I can't understand a word you're saying."" The boy spat the bait into his hand and said... ""You have to keep the worms warm!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Business,"An American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.  The Mexican replied, ""Only a little while."" The American then asked, ""Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more fish?"" The Mexican said, ""With this I have more than enough to support my family's needs."" The American then asked, ""But what do you do with the rest of your time?""  The Mexican fisherman said, ""I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life."" The American scoffed, ""I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing; and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat: With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor; Eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then Los Angeles and eventually New York where you will run your ever-expanding enterprise."" The Mexican fisherman asked, ""But, how long will this all take?"" To which the American replied, ""15 to 20 years."" ""But what then?"" asked the Mexican. The American laughed and said that's the best part. ""When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions.""  ""Millions?...Then what?"" The American said, ""Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."""
-Write a joke for this category,Religious,"An Irish priest loved to fly fish, it was an obsession of his. So far this year the weather had been so bad that he hadn't had a chance to get his beloved waders on and his favorite flies out of their box.  Strangely though, every Sunday the weather had been good, but of course Sunday is the day he has to go to work. The weather forecast was good again for the coming Sunday so he called a fellow priest claiming to have lost his voice and be in bed with the flu.  He asked him to take over his sermon. The fly fishing priest drove fifty miles to a river near the coast so that no one would recognize him. An angel up in Heaven was keeping watch and saw what the priest was doing. He told God who agreed that he would do something about it. With the first cast of his line a huge fish mouth gulped down the fly. For over an hour the priest ran up and down the river bank fighting the fish. At the end when he finally landed the monster size fish it turned out to be a world record Salmon. Confused the angel asked God, ""Why did you let him catch that huge fish? I thought you were going to teach him a lesson."" God replied ""I did. Who do you think he's going to tell?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Crazy Jokes,"Last winter, while sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. The guy could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, ""Are there any gators around here?!"" ""Naw,"" the man hollered back, ""they ain't been around for years!"" ""Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, ""How did you get rid of the gators?"" ""We didn't do nothin',"" the beachcomber said. ""The sharks got 'em."""
-Write a joke for this category,Bar Jokes,"There's this guy in a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: ""Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."" ""No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison..."""
-Write a joke for this category,Crazy Jokes,"Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, ""What is three times three?"" ""274"" was his reply. The doctor says to the second man, ""It's your turn. What is three times three?"" ""Tuesday,"" replies the second man. The doctor says to the third man, ""OK, Your turn. What's three times three?"" ""Nine,"" says the third man. ""That's great,"" says the doctor. ""How did you get that?"" ""Simple,"" says the third man, ""I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."""
-Write a joke for this category,Old Age,"An old man went to the doctor for his yearly physical. His wife came along to keep him company. The doctor checked his reflexes, looked down his throat, and listened to his chest with a stethescope. He made a few notes and said, ""I need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."" ""What?"" said the old man, being hard of hearing. ""I need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample,"" repeated the doctor loudly. ""What did he say?"" shouted the old man, looking at his wife. ""What's he want?"" His wife yelled into his ear, ""He needs your underwear!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Animals,"Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable because no matter how legitimate my illness, because I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway because the truth was to humiliating to reveal. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown. In this case, the truth hurt. I mean it really hurt in the place men feel the most pain. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty As the daily routine prescribes, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. ""Ed!"" she harkened. ""The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it."" ""You know where the button is."" I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). ""Reset it yourself!"" ""I am scared!"" She pleaded. ""What if it starts going and sucks me in?"" Pause. ""C'mon, it'll only take a second."" No logical assurance about how a disposal can't start itself will calm the fears of a person who suffers from ""Big-ol-scary-machine-phobia,"" a condition brought on by watching too many Stephen King movies. It is futile to argue or explain, kind of like telling Lloyd Bentsen Americans are over-taxed. And if a poltergeist did, in fact, possess the disposal, and she was ground into round, I'd have to live with that the rest of my life. So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was, not without consequence, but it was I who would suffer. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She (""Buttons"" aka ""the Grater"") had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step procedure. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a ""fight or flight"" syndrome; men, in this predicament, choose only the ""flight"" option. Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter. My wife told me I should be flattered. At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. ""What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"" If they had only known."
-Write a joke for this category,Animals,"Now I lay me down to sleep, The king-size bed is soft and deep.. I sleep right in the center groove My human cannot hardly move! I've trapped her legs, she's tucked in tight And here is where I pass the night No one disturbs me or dares intrude Till morning comes and ""I want food!"" I sneak up slowly to begin my nibbles on my human's chin. She wakes up quickly, I have sharp teeth- And my claws I will unsheath For the morning here and it's time to play always seem to get my way. So thank you Lord for giving me This human person that I see. The one who hugs me and holds me tight And sacrifices her bed at night!"
-Write a joke for this category,Animals,"** DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an ""outside"" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs. ** CHAIRS and RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot. ** BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare. ** HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called ""helping"", otherwise known as ""hampering."" Following are the rules for ""hampering"": a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted. b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself. c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you. d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim -- to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time. e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump. ** WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills. ** BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move round. ** PLAY: This is an important part of your life. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal games. Below are listed several favorite cat games that you can play. It is important though to maintain one's Dignity at all times. If you should have an accident during play, such as falling off a chair, immediately wash a part of your body as if to say ""I MEANT to do that!"" It fools those humans every time. CAT GAMES: ""Catch Mouse"": The humans would have you believe that those lumps under the covers are their feet and hands. They are lying. They are actually Bed Mice, rumored to be the most delicious of all the mice in the world, though no cat has ever been able to catch one. Rumor also has it that only the most ferocious attack can stun them long enough for you to dive under the covers to get them. Maybe YOU can be the first to taste the Bed Mouse! ""King of the Hill"": This game must be played with at least one other cat. The more, the merrier! One or both of the sleeping humans is Hill 303 which must be defended at all costs from the other cat(s). Anything goes. This game allows for the development of unusual tactics as one must take the unstable playing theater into account. WARNING: Playing either of these games to excess will result in expulsion from the bed and possibly from the bedroom. Should the humans grow restless, immediately begin purring and cuddle up to them. This should buy you some time until they fall asleep again. If one happens to be on a human when this occurs, this cat wins the round of King of the Hill. ** TOYS: Any small item is a potential toy. If a human tries to confiscate it, this means that it is a Good Toy. Run with it under the bed. Look suitably outraged when the human grabs you and takes it away. Always watch where it is put so you can steal it later. Two reliable sources of toys are dresser tops and wastebaskets. There are several types of cat toys. Bright shiny things like keys, brooches, or coins should be hidden so that the other cat(s) or humans can't play with them. They are generally good for playing hockey with on uncarpeted floors. Dangly and/or string-like things such as shoelaces, cords, gold chains, and dental floss also make excellent toys. They are favorites of humans who like to drag them across the floor for us to pounce on. When a string is dragged under a newspaper or throw rug, it magically becomes the Paper/Rug Mouse and should be killed at all costs. Take care, though. Humans are sneaky and will try to make you lose your Dignity. ** PAPER BAGS: Within paper bags dwell the Bag Mice. They are small and camouflaged to be the same color as the bag, so they are hard to see. But you can easily hear the crinkling noises they make as they scurry around the bag. Anything, up to and including shredding the bag, can be done to kill them. Note: any other cat you may find in a bag hunting for Bag Mice is fair game for a Sneak Attack, which will usually result in a great Tag match. ** FOOD: In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed *NOW*; and hunting for it oneself. The following are guidelines for getting fed. a) When the humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip of your tail in their dishes when they are not looking. b) Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the table. c) Never drink from your own water bowl if a human's glass is full enough to drink from. d) Should you catch something of your own outside, it is only polite to attempt to get to know it. Be insistent -- your food will usually not be so polite and try to leave. e) Table scraps are delicacies with which the humans are unfortunately unwilling to readily part. It is beneath the Dignity of a cat to beg outright for food as lower forms of life such as dogs will, but several techniques exist for ensuring that the humans don't forget you exist. These include, but are not limited to: jumping onto the lap of the ""softest"" human and purring loudly; lying down in the doorway between the dining room and the kitchen, the Direct Stare, and twining around people's legs as they sit and eat while meowing plaintively. ** SLEEPING: As mentioned above, in order to have enough energy for playing, a cat must get plenty of sleep. It is generally not difficult to find comfortable place to curl up. Any place a human likes to sit is good, especially if it contrasts with your fur color. If it's in a sunbeam or near a heating duct or radiator, so much the better. Of course, good places also exist outdoors, but have the disadvantages of being seasonal and dependent on current and previous weather conditions such as rain. Open windows are a good compromise. ** SCRATCHING POSTS: It is advised that cats use any scratching post the humans may provide. They are very protective of what they think is their property and will object strongly if they catch you sharpening your claws on it. Being sneaky and doing it when they aren't around won't help, as they are very observant. If you are an outdoor kitty, trees are good. Sharpening your claws on a human is a definite no-no! ** HUMANS: Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important to maintain one's Dignity when around humans so that they will not forget who is the master of the house. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent. You will then have a smooth-running household."
-Write a joke for this category,Animals,"Dashing through the park With our noses to the ground Walking on our ears Pretending to be hounds Not using our eyes We navigate by smell If its over an inch high Then, it’s got a tale to tell Oh, Doggie smells Doggie smells Outside of our home Oh we love those doggie smells When on the leash we roam Doggie smells Doggie smells Marking every tree All our other doggie friends Have stopped right here to pee!"
-Write a joke for this category,Animals,"Markin' around The Christmas Tree What a doggie holiday Just doin' what comes naturally Even though it's Christmas Day Markin' around The Christmas Tree Gotta squirt each present twice Spreading our scent on all this stuff It's a doggie paradise There may be some screaming when the humans rise at dawn (but remember) Grandma wraps her gifts in plastic Hey - come on - it's nothing drastic Markin' around the Christmas tree We just do what boydogs do Doin our duty gracefully And we'll share our loot with you Markin' around the Christmas tree All precautions were in vain We must own everything we see So we stake our doggie claim Markin' around the Christmas tree We don't see the problem here But if we're caught we know that we Will be dragged off by the ear People shout and tell us we are evil little curs (but remember) We're not trying to be snotty YOU installed this indoor potty Markin' around the Christmas Tree Gonna check our list off twice When Santa visits, we know he Can just sniff out who is NICE!"
-Write a joke for this category,Animals,"Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four forty four a.m. by his ringing telephone... ""Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake,"" said an angry voice. Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up. The next morning at precisely four forty four a.m., Bernard called his neighbor back ... ""Good morning, Mr. Williams.... Just called to say that I don't *have* a dog."""
-Write a joke for this category,Computers,"Dear Sir, I've been having some conflicts between programs lately. I've been running the original version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 as my primary application and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately and it works okay. GirlFriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself. Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while. I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions. The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly, I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally object-oriented. A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancé 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus. Well, it turns out that the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 also came with MotherInLaw 1.0 which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off. I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he'd heard that if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then, Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources."
-Write a joke for this category,Computers,"Costello calls Abbott with some questions about UNIX Costello: What is the command that will tell me the revision code of a program? Abbott: Yes, that's correct. Costello: No, what is it? Abbott: Yes. Costello: So, which is the one? Abbott: No. 'which' is used to find the program. Costello: Stop this. Who are you? Abbott: Use 'who am i' not 'who r yoo'. You can also 'finger yoo' to get information about yoo'. Costello: All I want to know is what finds the revision code? Abbott: Use 'what'. Costello: That's what I am trying to find out. Isn't that true? Abbott: No. 'true' gives you 0. Costello: Which one? Abbott: 'true' gives you 0. 'which is program name' Costello: Let's get back to my problem. What program? How do I find it? Abbott: Type 'find / -name it -print' to find 'it'. Type 'what program' to get the revision code. Costello: I want to find the revision code. Abbott: You can't 'find revisioncode', you must use 'what program'. Costello: Which command will do what I need? Abbott: No. 'which command' will find 'command'. Costello: I think I understand. Let me write that. Abbott: You can 'write that' only if 'that' is a user on your system. Costello: Write what? Abbott: No. 'write that'. 'what program'. Costello: Cut that out! Abbott: Yes. those are valid files for 'cut'. Don't forget the options. Costello: Do you always do this? Abbott: 'du' will give you disk usage. Costello: HELP! Abbott: 'help' is only used for Source Code Control System (SCCS). Costello: You make me angry. Abbott: No, I don't 'make me' angry but I did 'make programname' when I was upset once. Costello: I don't want to make trouble, so no more. Abbott: No 'more'? 'which' will help you find 'more'. Every system has 'more'. Costello: Nice help! I'm confused more now! Abbott: Understand that since 'help' is such a small program, it is better not to 'nice help' and 'more now' is not allowed, but 'at now' is. Unless of course 'now' is a file name. Costello: This is almost as confusing as my PC. Abbott: I didn't know you needed help with 'pc'. Let me get you to the Pascal compiler team."
-Write a joke for this category,Computers,I'm sure you've heard the old story referring to optimism and pessimism that is determined by whther you think the glass is half-empty or half-full. Here are the reactions when somebody leaves a half glass of milk next to the keyboard.
-Write a joke for this category,Computers,"Disclaimer to be used when purchasing software:  This check is fully warranted against physical defects and poor workmanship in its stationery. If the check is physically damaged, return it to me and I will replace or repair it at my discretion. No other warranty of any kind is made, neither express nor implied including, but not limited to, the implied warranties of Merchantability, Suitability for Purpose, and Validity of Currency. Any and all risk concerning the actual value of this check is assumed by you, the recipient. Even though I or my agents may have assured you of its worth, either verbally or in written communication, we may have had our fingers crossed, so don't come whimpering back to me if it bounces.  The money, if any, represented by this instrument remains my property. You are licensed to use it, however you are not allowed to copy the original check except for your personal records, nor are you permitted to give the money itself to anyone else. Neither may you allow any other person to use the money. Remember, you may have it in your possession, but it still belongs to me, and I'm going to call on you from time to time just to keep tabs on it. This agreement supersedes all others between us, including the equally ridiculous one you have undoubtedly pasted on the back of your packaging, or concealed somewhere in the middle of it. The location of your version of this or any other covenant between us is irrelevant to its inapplicability here. Only this one pertains, and I really mean it. In fact, this one supersedes yours even though yours may say that it supersedes mine. Why, even if yours said it would supersede mine even if mine said it would supersede yours even if yours said... Oh well. You get the idea. You may decline this agreement by returning the uncashed check to me within twenty-four hours. If you attempt to cash it, however, you have implicitly accepted these terms. You may also implicitly accept these terms by:"
-Write a joke for this category,Computers,"Judy was having trouble with her computer. So she called Tony, the computer guy, over to her desk. Tony clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, Judy called after him, ""So, what was wrong?"" And he replied, ""It was an ID Ten T Error."" A puzzled expression ran riot over Judy's face. ""An ID Ten T Error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"" He gave her a grin... ""Haven't you ever heard of an ID Ten T Error before?"" ""No,"" replied Judy. ""Write it down,"" he said, ""and I think you'll figure it out."" (She wrote...) I D 1 0 T"
-Write a joke for this category,Computers,"Face it, you're gonna have to go outside eventually.  Sure, Amazon.com will deliver right to your door and now even Taco Bell does deliveries, but, mark my words:  some day you're going to HAVE to push away from the computer and go ... OUTSIDE!!!  Here's a guide:"
-Write a joke for this category,Computers,"""Honor System Virus"" This virus works on the honor system. Please delete all the files on your hard disk, then forward this message to everyone you know.  Thank you for your cooperation."
-Write a joke for this category,Computers,"Like every other techie, I couldn't wait to get my hands on the just released, state-of-the-art, 64-bit, 128 mega-RAM, 48x, 24/7, in your face, out of your control Microself Windows 2001. Yes, that was me at the front of the line in our local Get-a-Life Software store, waiting, waiting, for the moment when the future went on sale. And now that the future is installed in my computer, there's no looking back. To be truthful, I don't use computers. They use me. They use me as a portal between the glittering new world of information and the mundane world where ordinary people have to eat and talk and sometimes be sad. Computers use my nimble fingers to unlock their codes, releasing raw information into the ether. Taking my mission as seriously as I do, I wanted the most up-to-the-second tool on the market. And that's why, the day after I installed Windows 2001, I was back at Get-a-Life buying the upgrade, Windows 2001, version 2.0. With Windows 2001 2.0, I don't process information. I download it into my body. Using Windows' revolutionary US-ME serial port installed in my navel, I plug myself into my computer. Like the umbilical cord that fed me when I was mere flesh, the US-ME cable feeds raw data straight into my bloodstream. There it flows until it reaches the central processing unit I used to call my brain. And there, Windows' revolutionary Brain Bot - a tiny microchip embedded in my cerebrum -- turns that raw data into wisdom that makes me smarter, richer, and so much wiser than the rest of you. Did you know that the capital of Uganda is Kampala? That Soupy Sales had a lion puppet named Pookie? That the square root of 3 is 1.732? And that today's kids will spend 23 years of their lives on the Internet swimming through vital data like this? O, it's a changing world, my friend. When you leave your Silicon Valley job for two weeks of R & R, take a cruise to Antarctica, step onto an ice floe and see penguins crowded around a laptop checking out The Weather Channel, get worried! But I'm not worried, I'm wired. Wired to the upgraded upgrade I bought last weekend. Windows 2001 3.0 is the one with HandPrint, the printer driver that drives my digital age. Using HandPrint, I don't need an ordinary printer. I just click a button on my wrist and my hand begins scrolling across a blank page printing my raw data in any of 1,257 perfect fonts. The moving hand writes, and having writ, gives way to ear-mail. I know, I know. You all have e-mail accounts. You can e-mail Bill Gates if you want. The Pope. Your dog if you're on vacation in Antarctica. But only Windows 2001 4.0, which I bought yesterday, has ear-mail. When I hear a voice from the ether saying ""You've got mail!"" I run to the nearest phone. Then I run my ear-mail cord from the phone to an input implanted below my left ear. Within seconds, I'm hearing the mail read by a soothing voice that sounds a little like James Earl Jones on Prozac. To reply, I simply speak my answer, press the same button on my wrist, and presto. I unplug and go back to my daily duty of becoming richer, smarter, and wiser. There's also a wireless version of e-mail but that won't come out until version 5.0 is released tomorrow. I plan to get in line at Get-a-Life sometime before midnight. But where, you ask, is this wireless world headed? To be truthful, I'm not sure, but it sure is fun. Perhaps when I'm even richer, smarter, and wiser than I am now, thanks to Windows 2001 6.0 due out this weekend, I'll have an answer. Until then, you'll have to excuse me. I have mail."
-Write a joke for this category,Computers,This is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to all IBM Branch Offices. The person who wrote it was very serious. The rest of us guys find it rather funny.     P/N 33F8462 - Domestic Mouse Balls     P/N 33F8461 - Foreign Mouse Balls
-Write a joke for this category,Computers,"Loading, loading, loading, Damn this Java coding, Feeling of foreboding, Reload! The Applet says it's running, And that big gray block is stunning, But the screen remains as blank as my mind Netscape crash, Boot 'em up! Net goes down, Dial back! Logging on, Still off-line! Reload! Try it now, Still not up! Netscape crashed, What, again? Boot it up, Log it in, Reload! Tighten, tweaking', smoothen, They say the codes improvin', So how come I'm still usin' ""reload""? I'm tired of all this waitin', Just give me .gif animation, This code is only good for wasting time, The applet says it's running, And gray block is quite stunning, But the screen remains as blank as my mind,"
-Write a joke for this category,Computers,"For immediate issue: Password Security Guidelines V2.2b Due to new security policies, the following guidelines have been issued to assist in choosing new passwords. Please follow them closely. Passwords must conform to at least 21 of the following attributes."
-Write a joke for this category,Computers,"The Lord is my programmer, I shall not crash. He installed His software on the hard disk of my heart, All of His commands are user friendly, His directory moves me to the right choices for His name's sake. Even though I scroll through the problems of file, I will fear no bugs, for You are my backup; Your password protects me; You prepare a menu before me in the presence of my enemies; Your help is only a key away. Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life, And my file will be merged with His and saved forever."
-Write a joke for this category,Computers,"Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed, A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed, But one day he was talking to a recruiter, Who said, ""they pay big bucks if ya work on a computer..."" UNIX, that is... CRTs... Workstations... Well, the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer. The kinfolk said ""Jed, move away from here"". They said ""Arizona is the place ya oughta be"", So he bought a box of donuts and he moved to Ahwatukee... Intel, that is... dry heat... no amusement parks... On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube. Fed him mo' donuts and sat him at a tube. Said ""yo project's outta budget, but we know just what to do. Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52!"" OT, that is... unpaid... mandatory... The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad. Schedules were slipping and the boss was getting mad. They called another meeting and decided on a fix. The answer was simple... ""We'll work him sixty-six!"" Tired, that is... stressed out... no social life... Months turned to years and his hair was turning grey. Jed worked hard while his life just slipped away. Waiting to retire when he turned to 64, Instead he got a call and escorted out the door. Laid off, that is... lead hand shake... unemployed... Now the moral of the story is listen to what you're told, Companies will use you and discard you when you're old. So gather up your friends and start your own firm, Beat the competition, watch the bosses squirm. Millionaires, that is... Bill Gates... Steve Jobs... Y'all come back now... ya hear'"
-Write a joke for this category,Computers,"***** WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. ***** This is straight from DC: If you receive an email entitled ""Badtimes"", delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the strips on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.It will program your phone auto-dial to call only 900 numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING. It will drink ALL your beer. FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING?? It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and you Nair with Rogaine, all the while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card. It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye. It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences. If the ""Badtimes"" message opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, It will also refill your skim milk with whole milk."
-Write a joke for this category,Computers,"If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report! If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash, And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash! If the label on your cable on the gable at your house, Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall. And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang! When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC, Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM, Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!"
-Write a joke for this category,Computers,"QUESTION: Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my computer? ANSWER: The characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask:"
-Write a joke for this category,Computers,"I had run across the term cyber sex a few times lately, so I decided to try to figure out what it meant.  I figured it had something to do with the computer, so I started trying to find the sex drive on mine.  I looked everywhere, in all the folders on the My Computer section, the add/uninstall software, install hardware part of the control panel, then I got out all the manuals and went through them.  I finally came to the conclusion that my computer is not equipped with one."
-Write a joke for this category,"Family, Parents","A weary mother returned from the store, Lugging groceries through the kitchen door. Awaiting her arrival was her 8 year old son, Anxious to relate what his younger brother had done. ""While I was out playing and Dad was on a call, T.J. took his crayons and wrote on the wall! It's on the new paper you just hung in the den. I told him you'd be mad at having to do it again."" She let out a moan and furrowed her brow, ""Where is your little brother right now?"" She emptied her arms and with a purposeful stride, She marched to his closet where he had gone to hide. She called his full name as she entered his room. He trembled with fear--he knew that meant doom! For the next ten minutes, she ranted and raved About the expensive wallpaper and how she had saved. Lamenting all the work it would take to repair, She condemned his actions and total lack of care. The more she scolded, the madder she got, Then stomped from his room, totally distraught! She headed for the den to confirm her fears. When she saw the wall, her eyes flooded with tears. The message she read pierced her soul with a dart. It said, ""I love Mommy,"" surrounded by a heart. Well, the wallpaper remained, just as she found it, With an empty picture frame hung to surround it. A reminder to her, and indeed to all, Take time to read the handwriting on the wall."
-Write a joke for this category,Medical,"A class from a nearby university was visiting a major drug manufacturer.  The tour guide led the students to a glass-enclosed room.  They could see several people in white lab coats.  With her back to the glass, the guide announced:  ""In this room researchers are actively searching for a cure for cancer."" She stopped short as the group broke out laughing.  Puzzled, the guide turned to look. Through the glass she saw three scientists in animated debate, flipping through the Yellow Pages."
-Write a joke for this category,Medical,"Female Pharmacist A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with. The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism. The man agreed and began by saying, ""This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?"" The pharmacist said, ""Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."" When she returned, she said, ""We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month living expenses."
-Write a joke for this category,Medical,"""This should be taken care of right away."" I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself. ""Welllllll, what have we here...?"" He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue. ""Let me check your medical history."" I want to see if you paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you. ""Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."" I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time..or..I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit. ""I have some good news and some bad news."" The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it. ""Let's see how it develops."" Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured. ""Let me schedule you for some tests."" I have 40% interest in the lab. ""I'd like to have my associate look at you.""  He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.  ""I'd like to prescribe a new drug."" I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig. ""If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call.""  I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself. ""That's quite a nasty looking wound."" I think I'm going to throw up. ""This may smart a little."" Last week two patients bit off their tongues. ""Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"" I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here? ""This should fix you up."" The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff. ""Everything seems to be normal."" Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all. ""I'd like to run some more tests."" I can't figure out what's wrong maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one. ""Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"" You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me..."" ""There is a lot of that going around."" My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this. ""If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."" I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week!"
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting, well, now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet!   Except for cats that eat like people -- such as getting lots of table scraps -- most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). The Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food.  Good Luck!   DAY ONE   Breakfast:  Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more the .75 per can -- and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room. Lunch:  Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house. Dinner:  Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die. Bedtime snack:  Steal one green bean from your spouse's or partner's plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning.   DAY TWO   Breakfast:  Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it. Lunch:  Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf. Afternoon snack:  Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed. Dinner:  Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food -- tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.   DAY THREE   Breakfast:  Drink part of the milk from your spouse's or partner's cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find. Lunch:  Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with. Dinner:  Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own.  Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor.   FINAL DAY"
-Write a joke for this category,Sports,Lineup: Conscience is left behind at the gate. Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosom is being pressured. Passionate Lady is caught by Thighs and Big Dick is in a dangerous spot!
-Write a joke for this category,Sports,"It was a 5-2 loss that started the bleeding A loss to Mats and his country of Sweden Next up, it's easy - but just a 3-2 win By a bunch of young fellas from united Berlin They can't hit the net, they can't even pass it There not chance in the world they're gonna beat Hasek It's the bloody big ice, it's a number of things They don't want it as much, they got their cup rings But a 33 tie, with a late goal you would like Scored by none other than Joe Nieuwendyk The one that they thought was too slow and too old Has not given up the quest for hockey gold. Then things started changing, all for the best They beat Selanne and Finland, lets take on the rest. Then Sweden was next, they'd better get loose But the Swedes were beaten by who... Belarus! And then the ladies from out of the blue Against the favoured Americans, knew what to do The Yanks threw our flag on the floor they were told So they captured our hearts and captured the gold Then suddenly the Great one, our hero of youth Told the hockey world the absolute truth He said they don't like us, they want us to lose We need to get meaner and inflict the odd bruise So a North American Final was set us and the States This time they were ready, they laced up their skates This game was about skill, speed, and the odd chance It would not be decided by a dumb judge from France The yanks scored first, we sucked in our chest But our boys came out and they played their best Sakic, Lindros, Iginla, Lemeiux And Gold is ours... Canada, 5 Yanks, 2 Despite the bad press and media opinions We danced in the street like crazed Palestinians From Victoria to St. John's we screamed and we shouted Like Don Cherry predicted, the Yanks... they were routed When we play hockey there is no English or French There is no division among us; it's just the guys on the bench They played the game for our Country, they played it true And on behalf of the Country I say thank you. For this game is now ours, there is no longer a debate About the lack of finesse or the way that we skate This nation of Canada has gotta' lot of class But if you wanna' play hockey ... we'll kick your ass!"
-Write a joke for this category,Sports,My first is in kendo but not in Olympics. My second is in hurdles and in hunting. My third is in bowman and in bowling. My fourth is in cycling and in golf. My fifth is in flying and not in swimming. My last is in running and not in dancing. My whole is a sport. What am I? See Answer below... .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. The answer to the Riddle is - Kung Fu
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"During taxi, the crew of a US AIR departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.  The irate ground controller (a female) screamed, ""US Air 2771, where are you going?  I told you to turn right on ""Charlie"" taxiway; you turned right on ""Delta"".  Stop right there! I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's & D's, but get it right!"" Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, ""You've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out.  You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to!  Then, I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air 2771?"" The humbled crew responded, ""Yes, Ma'am.""  The ground control frequency went terribly silent; no one wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high. Then an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked, ""Wasn't I married to you once?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport.  After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, ""Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.  Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles.  The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.  Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"" Silence. Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, ""Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap.  You should see the front of my pants!"" A passenger in Coach said, ""That's nothing.  He should see the back of mine!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"To ensure that you have a good time on your trip to Australia, your team members have planned and developed a special itinerary to fill the time during your leisure hours. Agenda follows:"
-Write a joke for this category,Holidays,"Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house I searched for the tools o hand to my spouse Instructions were studied and we were inspired, in hopes we could manage ""Some Assembly Required."" The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds, while Dad and I faced the evening with dread: a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot! And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot! We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat- let no parts be missing or parts incomplete! Too late for last-minute returns or replacement; if we can't get it right, it goes in the basement! When what to my worrying eyes should appear but 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear, With each part numbered and every slot named, so if we failed, only we could be blamed. More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out, all over the carpet they were scattered about. ""Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there! Slide on the seats, and staple the stair! Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."" ""Honey,"" said hubby, ""you just glued my hand."" And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact that all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact to keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night with ""assembly required"" till morning's first light We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work, till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt. The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin before we attached the last rod and last pin. Then laying the tools away in the chest, we fell into bed for a well-deserved rest. But I said to my husband just before I passed out, ""This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt. Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring, and not have to run to the store for a thing! We did it! We did it! The toys are all set for the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!"" Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefull went, though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded- I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!"
-Write a joke for this category,Holidays,"Dear Santa, I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and  career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of  my fashion choices.  I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of  some issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and  desires. First of all, I, along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment - the bitch has everything. I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dreamhouse, Corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases the ability to change our hair style.  I personally have only 3 outfits  which I am forced to mix and match at great length.  My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice. I too would like a change in my career.  Have you ever considered ""Decorator Ken"", ""Beauty Salon Ken"", or ""Out Of Work Actor Ken""?  In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as:  ""S&M Ken"" , ""Green Lantern Ken"",  ""Circuit  Ken"", ""Bear Ken"", ""Master Ken"". These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets. And as for Barbie  needing bendable arms so she can ""push me away,"" I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb.  Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations - we've talked about this issue before.  In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo from hell will result in action being  taken by myself and others.  And Barbie can forget about having Joe - he's  mine... at least that's what he said last night. Sincerely, Ken"
-Write a joke for this category,Holidays,"To: All Employees From: Management Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council). In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday."
-Write a joke for this category,Holidays,"A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated....Please read the following carefully....... I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Differences such as:"
-Write a joke for this category,Holidays,"'Twas the night before Cat-mas and all through MY house, Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse...(I ate it). My kitty stocking was hung by the cat door with care, In hopes that Santa Claws soon would be there; The humans were nestled all snug in their beds, While we cats in the darkness danced on their heads; Big Owner in his ""sleepy's"", and me his loyal cat, Had just settled down for a long winter's nap, When out in the 'hood there arose such a clatter, I sprang to four paws to see what was the matter. Away to the window I flew like a flash, Eating curtains and shades (I threw up the sash). The street lamp outside shined eerily below, Maybe two cats fighting?  Paw to paw, blow-by-blow? No, wait!  What my sharp kitty eyes should detect, But a miniature cat box, and that Devonshire Rex. A little old driver, all hairy with paws, I knew in an instant it must be Santa Claws. More rapid than hairballs his coursers they came, And he howled, he meowed, he called them by name; ""Now, BOMBAY! now, BIRMAN! RAGDOLL and BURMESE! On, PIXIE-BOB! on KORAT! on, PERSIAN and SIAMESE! To the top of the fence! To the top of the tree! My felines are awaiting, they are all purring!"" As dry heaves that before the wild furballs fly, When he meets with an obstacle, they jump to the sky, So over my shingles the kitties they flew, With the carriage full of cat morsels, and Santa Claws too. With a turn of my ear, I heard on the roofpole The scratching and clawing of each kitty's sole. I drew in my head, and was spinning around, When through the cat door Santa Claws did abound. A long hair in fur, of course, from head to foot, And his hairs were all shiny, well coiffured, nicely put. A bundle of cat toys he had flung on his back, You'd swear he was pedigree just him with his pack. His eyes -- how they twinkled!  His whiskers how bold! His cheek hairs so soft, his nose...oh, how cold! He shed not a hair, each strand in its place The most famous of all of the proud feline race. The stump of some cat nip he held tight in his teeth, Its aroma encircling his head like a wreath; An imposing cat with the biggest belly in history, That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of Friskies. A grimalkin of breed, a right jolly old cat! Did I say grimalkin, how could I think that! A twitch of the whisker and a twist of his head, Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread; He mewed not a sound, but went straight to his work, Filled my stockings with kitty treats; then turned with a jerk, And laying a talon aside of his nose, After giving a nod, out the cat door he goes; He sprang to his cat box, to his team gave ""MEOW!"" And away they all flew, like the wind they did howl. But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight, ""MEOWY CAT-MAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD-NIGHT!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Holidays,"Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including the species of domestic rodent known as Mus Musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning caloric apparatus pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of Saint Nicholas. The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof. Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this fenestration. Noting hereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself. Thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance, drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer. Piloted by a minuscule aged chauffer so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his ungulate motive power traveling at what may have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen: ""Now Dasher, now Dancer"", et al.. Guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities. As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180 degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved -- with utmost celerity and via a downward leap -- entry by the way of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebon residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle. His orbs were scintillating with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his molar regions and nasal protuberance were engorged with blood which suffused in subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the later that of the Prunus Avium, or Sweet Cherry. His amusing sub- and supra-labials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small tabular and columnar crystals being. Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose gray fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of pectinous fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. He was, in short, neither more or less than obese, jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head to one side he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless. Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the afore-mentioned hosiery with various of the afore-mentioned articles of merchandise extracted from his afore-mentioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of his task, he executed an abrupt about face, placed a singular manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating, in reverse, the smoke passage. He propelled himself in short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audibly immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: ""Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to that self-same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Political,"Good afternoon.  I'm Al Gore, and I'd like to tell you about myself.  I know a lot about hardship, because I came into this world as a poor black child in a tiny town in the backwoods of Tennessee.  I was born in a log cabin that I built with my own hands.  I taught myself to read by candlelight and helped support my 16 brothers and sisters by working summers as a deck hand on a Mississippi River steamboat. My mother taught me the value of education, so every day; I would walk 5 miles to a one-room schoolhouse.  I was a mischievous, fun-loving scamp, though I never dreamed that one-day, my youthful escapades would serve as the inspiration for ""Huckleberry Finn"". Back then, black folks in the South were second-class citizens. One day, a traveling minister came through town, and I asked him if anyone was ever going to do something to guarantee civil rights for all Americans. Well, I guess I made an impression. You see, the minister's name was Martin Luther King, Jr. My father was a United States Senator. He once perched me on his knee and said, ""Son, if you work hard and listen to your mama, someday you can live in a hotel in Washington, D.C., and go to an exclusive prep school."" But life of privilege was not for me.  After getting my high school diploma, I took a job in a hot, dirty textile mill.  I was so appalled at the treatment of the workers there that I organized a union.  Later, that experience inspired a movie - which is why, to this day, my close friends at the AFL-CIO call me ""Norma Rae"". When word got out what an 18 year old factory worker had done, Harvard called and offered me a scholarship.  I captained the hockey team to four consecutive national championships, but I also played football and was good enough to win the Heisman Trophy.  During my college years, I lived in a housing project and moonlighted playing lead guitar for a little rock band.  You may have heard of it -- the Rolling Stones. But there was a war going on, and I felt I had to serve my country. So I enlisted in the U. S. Army and went to Vietnam.  I was deeply opposed to the war, but I did my duty as a soldier and came back home with the Medal of Honor and the Croix de Guerre. When I got back, I took a long journey across this great land of ours.  I've crossed the deserts bare, man, I've breathed the mountain air, man, I've traveled, I've done my share, man, I've been everywhere.  And the people I met at truckstops and campgrounds and homeless shelters on that journey all said the same thing: ""Al, we need you in Washington."" I knew they were right, but first I had to take care of some other business -- building the World Trade Center, founding the Audubon Society, doing the clinical research that proved smoking caused cancer, and coming up with the recipe for Mrs. Field's chocolate chip cookies. Finally, I deferred to the demands of the people of Tennessee and allowed them to elect me to the House of Representatives and the Senate, where I established the US Strategic Oil Reserve.  And then one winter day nearly nine years ago, for no particular reason, I answered the call of the people once again and took the oath of office as Vice President of the United States. Since then, I've been part of the most successful administration in American history. And, in my spare time, I invented the Internet. Many times Bill Clinton has been pondering some grave decision and has asked me what to do.  And when I would give him my thoughts, he would invariable say, ""Of course.  That's brilliant.  Why didn't I think of that?"" During the darkest days of the impeachment battle, the president told me he only wished he had listened when I told him to stay away from that dark-haired intern. So after I decided to run for president, I sat down with him and asked if he had any suggestions about how to conduct my campaign.  And Bill Clinton gave me a few simple words of advice -- words I'll never forget.  He looked me in the eye and he said, ""Al, just tell the truth, it's always worked for me."""
-Write a joke for this category,Political,"Clinton died and went to heaven-or to be more accurate-approached the Pearly Gates. After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared. ""Who goes there?"" inquired St. Peter. ""'Tis I, your lordship, President Bill Clinton."" ""And what do you want?"" asked St. Peter. ""Lemme in!"" replied Clinton. ""Soooo,"" pondered Peter. ""What bad things did you do on earth?"" Clinton thought a bit and answered, ""Well, I smoked marijuana-but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had extramarital sex-but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't really have sexual relations. And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury."" After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, ""OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."
-Write a joke for this category,Political,"During his visit to the United States the Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour, as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary President Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media. The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success. He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was going home to the White House to be with his family. A few minutes later, the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked tired, discouraged and was practically in tears. Sadly he announced his meeting with the President was a failure. Incredulous, one reporter asked, ""But your Holiness, President Clinton just announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed."" Exasperated, the Pope answered, ""Yes, but we were talking about the Ten Commandments."""
-Write a joke for this category,Political,"From the law offices of Johnnie Cochrane, Esquire, here are the top ten proposed closing arguments in the matter of the United States v. William J. Clinton:"
-Write a joke for this category,Political,"Priceline.com's stock soared and eBay created an entire new section on their online auction site to accommodate the US Congress' overhaul of campaign financial law. Senator John McCain, in a speech from Capitol Hill, praised his fellow Senators's choice to ""name your own price"" for Congressional influence.  ""This is significant legislation that will turn around a stagnant economy by pouring millions into politicians' pockets."" In the new law, private citizens will be able to log onto Priceline.com and ""name their own price"" to influence a member of the House.  Citizens wishing to purchase a Senator need to logon to Ebay. William Jefferson Clinton has replaced William Shatner as spokesman for the new Congressional Priceline.  In an ""off-camera"" remark, as Mr. Clinton held his crotch, he said, ""This is going to be *big*, really *big*."""
-Write a joke for this category,Political,"""Florida Lottery"" Guess what?!?!? I won the lottery..I'm gonna be rich!! I won the Florida lottery! I'm now a multimillionaire! Can you believe it?!?  I'm bouncing off the walls here! You see, my ticket doesn't have the exact winning numbers on it, but I meant to pick those winning numbers. The ticket was very confusing when I was filling it out and so I ended up with the wrong numbers on my card. But since I really meant to pick those other numbers, they're going to give me the money anyway!!!!  They really shouldn't make those darn cards so hard to fill out!!!  And even though I was confused, I didn't ask for help because no one would have helped me anyway and I didn't want to appear like I didn't know what I was doing.  Isn't it nice of Florida to give the money anyway. I know, if the FL State Lottery won't give me the money, I'll just sue them!!!"
-Write a joke for this category,Political,"George W.  Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair.  The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. George W.  approached the man and inquired, ""Aren't you Moses?"" The man ignored George W.  and stared at the ceiling. George W.  positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, ""Aren't you Moses?"" The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W.  tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, ""Aren't you Moses?"" The man finally responded in an irritated voice, ""Yes, I am."" George W.  asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, ""The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert."""
-Write a joke for this category,Political,"Well dere once was a story 'bout a man named Bill; Da poor president couldn't keep his willie still; Den one day he was workin' at his desk, When in walks Monica and shows da boy her chest... Boobs, that is.  Two of 'em.  Bodacious ta ta's. Well da next thing ya know, Monica is on her knees, Mouth open wide and as happy as you please; Bill sez, ""oh yeah now-don't say a thing,"" ""If you do a good job then we'll have a little fling."" Blow job, that is.  Phalli osculation. Well, Bill lost his load and it fell upon her dress, He said, ""Clean it up, 'cuz you really are a mess, And you're invited here to dis fine locality, To have a heapin' helpin' of little Willie C."" Da wiener, that is.  Da presidential staff. So week after week, Monica is on her knees Keepin' Willie and his Wiener just as happy as you please, But then she figured out dat the fling had gone too far, And she blabbed it all to Linda Tripp who blabbed it all to Starr. Bad girl, that is.  Cigars.  Bodacious ta ta's. Well it weren't too long till we all knew the score, 'bout da stuff dat went down behind da oval office door; Da country's in da toilet and da people cry, ""No More"" But if we oust da cheatin' jerk, den we gotta live with Gore. Boob, that is.  Great big one.  Head stuck up his rear. So now ya know da story 'bout Bill our president, Wonderin' if dis fling's gonna cost him every cent; So da moral of da story is to do it quietly, And stay outta trouble with dat bitch named Hillary."
-Write a joke for this category,Political,"President George W. Bush is visiting an elementary school today and he visits one of the 4th grade classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, ""tragedy."" So the President asks the class for an example of a ""tragedy."" One little boy stands up and offers, ""If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."" ""No"" says Bush, ""that would be an accident."" A little girl raises her hand: ""If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."" ""I'm afraid not"" explains the President. ""That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS."" The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room. ""Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"" Finally, way in the back of the room, a boy named Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, ""If Air Force One, carrying you and Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy. ""Correct"" exclaims Bush, ""that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"" ""Well,"" Lil' Johnny said, ""because, like you just told us, it wouldn't be an accident, and it sure as heck wouldn't be a great loss."""
-Write a joke for this category,School,"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please listen to all your options before making a selection:"
-Write a joke for this category,School,"A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, ""Johnny what is your problem?"" Johnny answered, ""I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!""  The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions are explained to him and he agrees to take the test. Principal: ""What is 3 x 3?""    Johnny: ""9"". Principal: ""What is 6 x 6?""    Johnny: ""36"". And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, ""I think Johnny can go to the third grade."" The teacher says to the principal, ""Let me ask him some questions?"" The principal and Johnny both agree. The teacher asks, ""What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?""  Johnny, after a moment, ""Legs."" Teacher: ""What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"" The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny replied, ""Pockets."" Teacher: ""What does a dog do that a man steps into?""  Johnny: ""Pants"" Teacher: ""What starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?""   Johnny: ""Fire truck."" The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, ""Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I missed the last four questions myself."""
-Write a joke for this category,Military,"Three generals, one from the Army, one from the Air Force, and the third from the Marine Corps, were having a debate about whose soldiers were the bravest. To prove his point, the Air Force general calls over an airman: ""Airman! Climb that flagpole, and once you are at the top, sing 'Wild Blue Yonder', and then jump off!"" ""YES SIR!"" replies the airman. He takes off for the flagpole like a shot, scales up it, sings the anthem, salutes and jumps off, hitting the ground at attention. The general dismisses him. ""Now that's bravery!"" exclaims the general. ""Bravery, nothing,"" snorts the Army general. ""Get over here, private!"" ""YES SIR!!"" replies the private. ""Put on full combat gear, load your rucksack with these rocks, scale that flagpole, come to attention, present arms, and sing the National Anthem, salute each of us, and then climb back down, head first."" ""YES SIR!!"" replies the private, and completes the task. ""Now that is a brave man! Beat that!!"" They look to the Marine. ""Private,"" the Marine Corps General commands. ""YES SIR!!"" ""Put on full combat gear. Put these two dogs in your pack. Using only one hand, climb that flagpole. At the top, sing 'The Halls of Montezuma', put your knife in your teeth, and dive off, headfirst.""  The private snaps to attention, looks at the general and says, ""TO HELL WITH YOU SIR!!"" The general turns to the others and says, ""Now THAT'S bravery!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Military,"The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between any two points he chose. The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000. The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked away with a check $960,000. Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third as to the additional bonus check. When the third general was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, ""from the tip of my penis, to the bottom of my testicles."" The pension man said that would be fine, but he'd better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring. The Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop his pants...he did.... The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. ""My God!"" he said, ""where are your testicles?!"" The general replied, ""Back in Nam!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Business,"Have you ever worked in an office where someone insisted upon listening to their voice mail using the speaker phone (at full volume, naturally)?  It can really begin to bother you after a while. I found a fairly easy fix for that, though. I have my wife call his desk when he's not there and leave a message like ""Hi, this is Candy from 1-900-HOT-BABE. You haven't paid for the 'toys' we sent you, you naughty boy. You wouldn't want me to come over there and spank you, would you?"" It is the last time you hear that particular speaker phone, I can assure you."
-Write a joke for this category,Business,"Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as  Casual Day so that employees may express their diversity.   Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.   Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.   A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4  p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. Fashion show to follow.  Attendance is mandatory.   As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, the Committee On Committee's has appointed a 14-member Casual Day Task Force to prepare guidelines for proper dress.   The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual.  A copy of ""Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company  Standards"" has been mailed to each employee. Please review  the chapter ""You Are What You Wear"" and consult the ""home  casual"" versus ""business casual"" checklist before leaving for  work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness  of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before  7 a.m. on Friday.   Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been discontinued, effective immediately."
-Write a joke for this category,Business,"A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following:  ""HELP WANTED. Must be able to type,  must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal  Opportunity Employer."" A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside.  He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the  idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager  looked at the dog and was  surprised, to say the least. However,  the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside,  the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, ""I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."" The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type  out a perfect letter.  He took out the page, trotted over to the  manager, gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager  was stunned, but then told the dog, ""The sign says you have to be  good with a computer."" The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time it ran. By now, the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog  and said, ""I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have  some interesting abilities.  However, I *still* can't give you the  job.""  The dog  jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put  his paw on the sentence that told about being an Equal Opportunity  Employer. The manager said, ""Yes, but the sign *also* says that you  have to be bilingual"". The dog looked at the manager calmly and said ""Meow."""
-Write a joke for this category,Business,"The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from one generation to the next, says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in modern business and government, because of the heavy investment factors to be taken into consideration, often other strategies have to be tried with dead horses, including the following:"
-Write a joke for this category,Business,"Are you overworked, under paid, over-regulated, under-leisured, and underbenefited? Take heart! Not only could it be worse, it has been. This notice was found in the ruins of a London office building. It was dated 1852:"
-Write a joke for this category,Business,"FROM: OPERATIONS SUBJECT: Restroom Use Policy In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective immediately, a Restroom Trip Policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for each employee's restroom time and ensuring equal treatment of all employees. Under the policy a ""Restroom Trip Bank"" will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given twenty Restroom Trip Credits. These credits may be accumulated. Within four to six weeks, the entrance doors to all restrooms are being equipped with personal identification stations and computer-linked voice print recognition devices. Before the end of the month each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal and one under stress) to the Human Resources Department. The voice print recognition station will be operational but not restrictive during the entire month. Employees should acquaint themselves with the stations during that period. If the employee's Restroom Trip Bank balance reaches zero, the doors to the restrooms will not unlock for that employee's voice until the first of the next month. In addition, all restroom stalls are being equipped with timed paper roll retractors. If the stall is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty-seconds after the alarm sounds, the roll of paper will retract into the wall, the toilet will flush, and the stall door will open. If the stall remains occupied, your picture will be taken. The picture will then be posted on the bulletin board located in the Employee Relations Office. Anyone's picture showing up three times will immediately be terminated. If you have any questions about this policy, please ask your supervisor. They have all received advanced instructions."
-Write a joke for this category,Business,"To:        All Employees Subject:   Special High Intensity Training In order to assure that we continue to produce the highest quality work possible, it will be our policy to keep all employees well-trained through our program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.).  We are giving our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other company in the country. If you feel you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your supervisor.  You will be placed on top of his S.H.I.T. list for special attention. All of our supervisors are particularly qualified to see that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle at your own speed. If you consider yourself to be trained enough already, you may be interested in helping us train others.  We can add you to our Basic Understanding Lecture List, Special High Intensity Training (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.). If you have any further questions, please address them to our Head of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.). Thank you,  Boss in General Special High Intensity Training (B.I.G.S.H.I.T.) PS.    With the personality some of you display around here, you could easily become the Director of Intensity Programming, Special High Intensity Training."
-Write a joke for this category,Business,Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees.
-Write a joke for this category,Business,"In our complex technical environment there are many opportunities for a competent technical individual to be the subject of technical harassment. Sometimes it can be so subtle that you may not even be aware you are being harassed. Worse yet, you may inadvertently technically harass another person by accident. Following are some guidelines to help you determine if you are being technically harassed. If you are repeatedly asked the same technical question you may be the victim of technical harassment.  While it is most common to be asked the question repeatedly within the same conversation, some instances have been identified of habitual technical harassment.  Habitual technical harassment is not uncommon and has been known to exhibit group tendencies where members of a group may ask the same question repeatedly.  Untreated, these instances of group technical harassment can continue for years. If you are asked a technical question by a non-technical person and they do not write your answer down it is likely the question is frivolous.  Most non-technical people are not capable of remembering a true technical answer for more than 30 seconds. If you are forced into a discussion where a person uses more than three (3) buzzwords in one sentence the person is most likely a fake and you are the unwitting victim of technical harassment.  One note of caution, competent technical people have been known to inadvertently use buzzwords after reading mindless drivel like PC Week or LAN Times.  If the person has been known to use more common technical terms in the past such as ""stuff"" and ""things"", they are most likely victim of computer magazine brainwashing. If during a troubleshooting session a person uses the term ""trick"".  For example ""maybe we could trick the database into thinking it has been updated"". This is a sure sign of technical harassment. If a person explains that a needed feature will be provided by a vendor and that person is nontechnical then you are at risk of being technically harassed. If you believe that person, you have definitely been technically harassed, if you don't believe them you have only been technically annoyed. If when trying to resolve a technical problem with a product from a vendor and you are instructed to call the salesman that sold us the product you are being set up for technical harassment.  It is a common reaction for a non-technical person when they have purchased technical equipment to call another non-technical person.  The dialogue between two nontechnical people usually provides some sense of comfort that they aren't the only ones who are confused."
-Write a joke for this category,Bar Jokes,"After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, ""Hey Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."" The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, ""I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."" The bartender gives him one. The guy  from Coors says, ""I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.""  He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, ""Give me a Coke."" The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, ""Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?"" The Guinness president replies, ""Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."""
-Write a joke for this category,Bar Jokes,"An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the Irishman says, ""Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"" The others agree that sounds like a nice place. Then the Italian says, ""Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink."" Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar. Then the Polish guy says, ""You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this place, Warshowski's.  At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"" ""Wow!"" said the other two. ""That's fantastic!  Did that actually happen to you?"" ""No,"" he replied, ""but it happened to my sister!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Bar Jokes,"I watched an ant climb a blade of grass this morning. When he reached the top, his weight bent the blade down to the ground. Then, twisting his thorax with insectile precision, he grabbed hold of the next blade. In this manner, He traveled across the lawn, covering as much distance vertically as he did horizontally, which amused and delighted me. And then, all at once, I had what is sometimes called an ""epiphany"", a moment of heightened awareness in  which everything becomes clear. Yes, hunched over that ant on my hands and knees, I suddenly knew what I had to do... Quit drinking before noon."
-Write a joke for this category,Police Jokes,"Her car was speeding along Interstate 80 at well over 80 miles an hour when it passed by a State Trooper's position... Obviously, the officer was compelled to pull the young female driver over and he asked to see her license. After looking it over, he said to her, ""It stipulates here on your license that you should be wearing glasses."" ""Well, I have contacts,"" the woman replied. ""Look lady, I don't care who you know,"" snapped the officer. ""You're getting a ticket."""
-Write a joke for this category,Police Jokes,"A man has too much to drink at a party. His friends offer to drive him home, but the says no--he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from the party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a call for a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell him to stay put; they will be right back - and they run down the street to the robbery. After a few minutes, the man decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day. A few hours later, the police knock on the door. They ask if a Mr. X lives there, and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day. The police ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door--where they find the police car, lights still flashing."
-Write a joke for this category,Police Jokes,"A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says, ""Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now."" The Mexican man pleads with them, ""No, noooo Señor, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!"" The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself--I'm going to make it hard for him--and says, ""Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use three English words in a sentence."" The Mexican man of course agrees. The Border Patrol Agent tells him, ""The three words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in one sentence."" The Mexican man thinks really hard for about two minutes, then says, ""Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green--I Pink it up, and sez Yellow?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Police Jokes,"According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are ""unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes,"" committed by young male repeat offenders who apparently don't know the first thing about their business. This information was included in an interesting, amusing article titled ""How Not to Rob a Bank,"" by Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac. Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disguise, 86 percent never study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the loot. Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed:"
-Write a joke for this category,Police Jokes,"Kentucky:Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.  South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately. Indiana:A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter. England:A German ""tourist,"" supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a ""handicap"" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag. Arizona:A company called ""Guns For Hire"" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail. Texas:A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years. (Location Unknown):A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask. (Location Unknown):A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole--are you ready for this?--the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.) (Location Unknown):A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it. (Location Unknown):A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled--leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars."
-Write a joke for this category,Police Jokes,"A dyslexic cop is severely reprimanded by his captain because the spelling on his police reports is incomprehensible. ""How can you expect anyone to read this! If you file just one more report with any and I mean *ANY* words misspelled, you are going on report!"" screams the captain."
-Write a joke for this category,Religious,"Brother John entered the 'Monastery of Silence' and the Abbott said, ""Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."" Brother John lived in the monastery for a full year before the Abbott said to him: ""Brother John, you have been here a year now, you may speak two words."" Brother John said, ""Hard Bed."" ""I'm sorry to hear that,"" the Abbott said. ""We will get you a better bed."" The next year, Brother John was called by the Abbott. ""You may say another two words Brother John."" ""Cold Food."" said Brother John, and the Abbott assured him that the food would be better in the future. On his third anniversary at the monastery, the Abbott again called Brother John into his office. ""Two words you may say today."" ""I quit."" said Brother John. ""It is probably best."" said the Abbott.  ""All you have done since you got here is complain."""
-Write a joke for this category,Religious,"A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, ""Father, the dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?""  Father Patrick replied, ""No, we cannot have services for an animal in the church, but there's a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal.""   Muldoon said ""I'll go right now. Do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?""  Father Patrick asked, ""Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Religious,"Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, ""We only have one rule here in heaven ... don't step on the ducks."" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.  Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, ""Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"" The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along come St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same punishment as the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, tan, muscular, and with good hair. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, ""I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"" And the guy says, ""Well, I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."""
-Write a joke for this category,Religious,"On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident.  The couple is sitting outside heavens gate waiting on St. Peter to do an intake.  While waiting they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven.  St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him.  St. Peter says, ""I don't know, this is the first time anyone ever asked. Let me go find out,"" and he leaves. The couple sits for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. ""What if it doesn't work out?"", they wonder, ""Are we stuck together forever?"" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. ""Yes,"" he informs the couple, ""You can get married in Heaven."" ""Great,"" says the couple, ""but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"" St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. ""What's wrong?"" exclaims the frightened couple. ""Jeez!"" St. Peter exclaims, ""It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer!?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Religious,"In the Beginning God created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the cease and desist order for the earthly part.   Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative. Then God said, ""Let there be light"", and immediately the officials demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining?   What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire: that he would obtain a building permit; and to conserve energy, would have the light out half the time. God agreed and said he would call the light ""Day"" and the darkness ""Night"". Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.   God said, ""Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed"". The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, ""Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth"".   Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.   Everything was fine until God said he wanted to complete the project in Six days. Officials said it would take at least 200 days to review the application and impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be 10-12 months before...   At this point God created Hell."
-Write a joke for this category,Religious,"A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was about a year away from his Bar Mitzvah, but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith. To remedy this, he sent his son to Israel to experience his heritage. A year later the young man returned home ""Father, thank you for sending me to the land of our fathers,"" the son said. ""It was wonderful and enlightening; however, I must confess that while in Israel I converted to Christianity."" ""Oi vey,"" replied the father, ""what have I done?"" So, in the tradition of the patriarchs, he went to his best friend and sought his advice and solace. ""It is amazing that you should come to me,"" stated his friend. ""I, too, sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian.""  So in the tradition of the patriarchs, they went to the Rabbi. ""It is amazing that you should come to me,"" stated the Rabbi. ""I, too, sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian. What is happening to our sons? Brothers, we must take this to the Lord,"" said the Rabbi. They fell to their knees and began to wail and pour our their hearts to the Almighty. As they prayed, the clouds above opened and a mighty voice said, ""Amazing that you should come to me. I, too, sent my Son to Israel...."""
-Write a joke for this category,Religious,"A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, ""The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"" They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car. ""Leave us alone you religious nuts!"" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard a big splash. ""Do you think,"" said one clergy to the other, ""we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out' instead?"""
-Write a joke for this category,Religious,It has come to our attention that the pastor you received was shipped with a slight defect: he/she is not psychic. This defect necessitates certain special procedures to ensure optimum performance of your unit.
-Write a joke for this category,Religious,"In our search for a suitable pastor, the following scratch sheet was developed for your perusal. Of the candidates investigated by the committee, only one was found to have the necessary qualities. The list contains the names of the candidates and comments on each, should you be interested in investigating them further for future pastoral placements. The Pastoral Search Committee."
-Write a joke for this category,Religious,"A Jew, a Greek, and an Italian man all die in a plane crash.  They are standing before the Lord, and the Lord tells them, ""I am going to give you one more chance.  I'll send you back to earth on one condition: that you give up your bad habits.""     They all say, ""We will, we will.  Please let us live again!""  The Italian man agrees to give up eating compulsively. The Jewish man promises to give up thinking of money all the time. And the Greek man vows not to constantly think about sex.     Suddenly they find themselves back on earth, walking down the street.  Before they even get a chance to say anything to each other about what has just happened, the Italian man sees a restaurant and begins to salivate.  He starts running toward the restaurant when POOF!  He disappears in a cloud of smoke.     Just then, the Jewish man sees a dime on the street a couple of feet away.  He steps forward, bends over to pick it up, and POOF!  Both he and the Greek disappear."
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Driver's swear ..... are you listenin', At the Mall .....folks are bitchin', A miserable sight ..... they're sorry tonite, Drivin' in New Jersey's TrafficLand! Gone away ...... are your tires, meter has ......  just expired, They towed you away, while you shopped today, Parkin' in New Jersey's TrafficLand! On the Parkway we will have a breakdown, We'll be stuck and threathened on the side, If we're lucky, muggers might come mug us, And if we plead they may give us a ride! Santa's sleigh ..... was impounded, All the Elves ...... were surrounded, He's now in a cell .... for ringin' his bell, Living in New Jersey's TrafficLand!"
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual cup of morning coffee listening to the weather report coming over the radio.  ""There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets.""  Ole got up from his coffee and replies ""Well, okay."" Two days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of morning coffee and the weather forecast is, ""There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared.  You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets.""  Ole got up from his coffee and replies, ""Well, okay."" Three days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast is, ""There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared.  You must park your cars on the..."" and then the power went out and Ole didn't get the rest of the instructions.  He says to Lena, ""What am I going to do now, Lena?"" Lena replies, ""Aw, Ole, yust leave the car in the garage."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error. In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been 'called home to glory' following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife From: Your Departed Husband Subject: I've Arrived! I've just arrived and have checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. (P.S. Sure is hot down here!)"
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"One of the worlds most famous blondes turned 40 in 1999. She doesn't look a day over 18, well maybe 27.  No cellulite on her thighs, no wrinkles, no sagging breasts.  Her figure is the same as it was twenty years ago.  Many girls from around the world are familiar with this famous blonde.  Some would say she is more famous than Madonna. Yes, Barbie Millicent Roberts turns forty in 1999.  Is it time to give up the mini skirt for something more conservative?  You be the judge, but the folks over at Mattel don't seem to think so.  On the other hand, some women have suggested a few changes to the world's most popular doll.  Something more fitting for the now middle aged blonde.  Here's a list of possible new Barbies..."
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Mrs. Brown is the church Matron, and she has become very famous for the baked beans she makes for every picnick or church potluck. The annual Mother's Day Pot Luck Dinner was tomorrow, and as usual Mrs. Brown set about preparing her baked beans for the meal. She had set everything to going on the stove, and was called away to the door. Mrs. Brown's son Billy came running into a freshly waxed kitchen, with his BB Gun in one hand and a fist full of BB's in the other. He slipped on the freshly waxed floor, and wouldn't you know it, the BB's flew right into the pot of baking beans. Mrs. Brown walked into the kitchen and scolded little Billy for running indoors, but not wanting to get into any further trouble he said nothing about the BB's going into the pot of simmering beans. The next day came, and the Pot Luck was an enormous success. As usual, Mrs. Brown's beans were the favorites and were quickly eaten all up. Not a single bean left in the pot. The next morning Mrs. Brown receives a phone call from the church secretary. ""Mrs. Brown,"" she says, ""Um, I loved your beans as always, but did you perhaps add anything, or change your recipe?"" Mrs. Brown replied, ""Why No, it was the same recipe as I always prepare, Why?"" The secretary says, ""Well, um, I bent over to feed my cat this morning, and I shot the Canary!"""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Warning: Pregnant women, the elderly and children under 10 should avoid prolonged exposure to Happy Fun Ball. Caution: Happy Fun Ball may suddenly accelerate to dangerous speeds. Happy Fun Ball Contains a liquid core, which, if exposed due to rupture, should not be touched, inhaled, or looked at. Do not use Happy Fun Ball on concrete. Discontinue use of Happy Fun Ball if any of the following occurs:"
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"A woman wants the inside of her house painted, so she calls a contractor in to help her. They wander around the house, and she points out the colors she wants. She says, ""Now in the living room, I'd like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm."" The contractor nods thoughtfully, then goes to the window, leans out, and yells ""Green side up"". The woman is most perplexed, but she lets it slide. They wander into the next room. She says, ""In the dining room, I'd like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy."" The contractor nods, then he goes to the window, leans out, and yells ""Green side up"". The woman is even more perplexed, but still she lets it slide. They wander further into the next room. She says, ""In the bedroom, I'd like blue. Restful peaceful, cool blue."" The contractor nods, then once more he goes to the window, leans out, and yells ""Green side up"". This is too much. The woman has to ask. So she says, ""Every time I tell you a color, you don't even bother to write it down, but then you yell out the window ""Green Side Up"". What on earth does that mean? Are you even paying attention to the colors I want?"" The contractor recites her color choices from memory, then shakes his head and says, ""I have four Finns laying sod across the street, and I have to keep reminding them which side goes up."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Are you interested in making $$$$ fast? Here's an incredibly simple way to do it, and there is nothing to buy, no investment to make, no money to lose!                    Try it now!   Follow this simple procedure:"
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"I pulled up to the drive-thru of a fast-food restaurant and ordered coffee.  I asked the clerk to put some ice cubes into the cup so that I could drink the cool coffee quickly. At the window, there was a delay. Finally, a teen-aged girl came to the window looking frustrated. ""I'm having a problem,"" she announced.  ""The ice keeps melting."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Picard: Sigma Indri, that's the star, So, Data, please, how far? How far? Data: Our ship can get there very fast But still the trip will last and last We'll have two days 'til we arrive But can the Indrans there survive? Picard: LaForge, please give us factor nine. LaForge: But, sir, the engines are offline! Picard: Offline! But why? I want to go! Please make it so, please make it so! Riker: But sir, if Geordi says we can't, We can't, we mustn't, and we shan't, The danger here is far too great! Picard: But surely we must not be late! Troi: I'm sensing anger and great ire. Computer: Alert! Alert! The ship's on fire! Picard: The ship's on fire? How could this be? Who lit the fire? Riker: Not me... Worf: Not me! Picard: Computer, how long 'til we die? Computer: Eight minutes left to say goodbye. Data: May I suggest a course to take? We could, I think, quite safely make Extinguishers from tractor beams And stop the fire, or so it seems... Geordi: Hurray! Hurray! You've saved the day! Again I say, Hurray! Hurray! Picard: Mr. Data, thank you much. You've saved our lives, our ship, and such. Troi: We still must save the Indran planet -- Data: Which (by the way) is made of granite... Picard: Enough, you android. Please desist. We understand -- we get your gist. But can we get our ship to go? Please make it so, PLEASE make it so. Geordi: There's sabotage among the wires And that's what started all the fires. Riker: We have a saboteur? Oh, no! We need to go! We need to go! Troi: We must seek out the traitor spy And lock him up and ask him why? Worf: Ask him why? How sentimental. I say give him problems dental. Troi: Are any Romulan ships around? Have scanners said that they've been found? Or is it Borg or some new threat We haven't even heard of yet? I sense no malice in this crew. Now what are we supposed to do? Crusher: Captain, please, the Indrans need us. They cry out, ""Help us, clothe us, feed us!"" I can't just sit and let them die! A doctor MUST attempt -- MUST try! Picard: Doctor, please, we'll get there soon. Crusher: They may be dead by Tuesday noon. * COMMERCIAL BREAK, COMMERCIAL BREAK * * HOW LONG WILL THESE DUMB ADS TAKE? * Worf: The saboteur is in the brig. He's very strong and very big. I had my phaser set on stun -- A zzzip! A zzzap! Another one! He would not budge, he would not fall, He would not stun, no, not at all! He changed into a stranger form All soft and purple, round and warm. Picard: Did you see this, Mr. Worf? Did you see this creature morph? Worf: I did and then I beat him fairly. Hit him on the jaw -- quite squarely. Riker: My commendations, Klingon friend! Our troubles now are at an end! Crusher: Now let's get our ship to fly And orbit yonder Indran sky! Picard: LaForge, please tell me we can go--- Geordi: Yes, sir, we can... Picard: Then make it so!"
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"A Jewish man, a Polish man, and a man from India are driving around looking for a hotel.  Unfortunately a convention happens to be in town that night, and there are no rooms available. They wind up driving to the outskirts of the city where at last they come across a motel with a VACANCY sign.  They stop and go in to register. ""I'm sorry,"" says the clerk, ""but we only have one room left and it's only a double."" The three men explain how desperate they are, and so the clerk says, ""Okay, I know what we can do.  One of you men can sleep out in the barn.  Don't worry, though, we'll put a cot out there and make it nice and comfortable for you."" The clerk then shows them to their room, and as he is leaving he says, ""It's up to you three to decided who is going to sleep in the barn."" Without hesitation, the man from India says, ""No problem, I'll sleep in the barn."" He leaves, and a few minutes later, as the other two men are getting ready for bed, they hear a knock at the door.  They open it, and the Indian man is standing there.  ""So sorry,"" he says, ""I cannot sleep with the sacred cow."" ""So, I'll sleep in the barn,"" says the Jewish man, and he leaves. A few minutes later the other two men hear a knock on the door.  They answer it, and the Jewish guy is standing there.  He shrugs and says, ""Can't sleep with the pig."" So the Polish guy says, ""I guess I'll sleep in the barn."" He leaves.  The Indian and the Jewish man are beginning to undress when they hear a sound at the door. They open it and the pig and cow are standing there."
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into their personalities. Choose which method best describes your favorite method of eating Oreos:  Your Personality:
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,Read each line ALOUD: This is this cat This is is cat This is how cat This is to cat This is keep cat This is a cat This is dumbass cat This is busy cat This is for cat This is about cat This is forty cat This is seconds cat Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top.
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Once uton a pime in a corn funtry there lived a geautiful birl and her name was Rindercella. Now Rindercella lived with her two sad blisters and her mugly other. Also in this corn funtry there liv inviting all the geautiful birls from riles amound. But Rindercella gouldn't co. She had to make dancy fesses for her two sad blisters and her mugly other. While they all went off to the bancy fall, Rindercella just cat down and shried. She was just citting there a shrying when there appeared before her - her jerry mud father! ""Rindercella,"" she asked, ""Shry do you why?"" Rindercella mold her jerry mud father of her werrible tork. Just then her jerry mud father made Rindercella a geautiful bown and took two mield fice and a tumpkin and purned them into two stighty malions and cig boach! Off to the bancy fall went Rindercella, with the warning that she must go home before the mid clock struck night. As Rindercella entered the bancy fall the pransome hince saw her through a widden hindow and thought she gas worgeous! They danced and danced and soon they lell in fove. Suddenly, the mid clock struck night and fearing her cig boach would purn into a tumpkin, Rindercella staced down the rairs. But as she beached the rottom, she slopped her dripper. Well the nery vext day the pransome hince searched the corn funtry for the geautiful birl who had slopped her dripper. He tried it on Rindercella's mugly other, but if fidn't dit. He tried it on her sad blisters... Then, the dripper fit only Rindercella at last. Now the storal of the mory: If you ever go to a bancy fall to meet a pransome hince with the hopes of lalling in fove, don't forget to slop your dripper!"
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"... Have I Got a Deal for You! More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars.  According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their ""next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts.  Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets.  Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views.  Trips to the moon also available.""  Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars... ... Did I Say That?! Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, ""Give me all your money or I'll shoot"", the man shouted, ""That's not what I said!"" ... Are We Not Communicating? A man spoke frantically into the phone: ""My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"" ""Is this her first child?"" the doctor asked.  ""No, you idiot!"" the man shouted. ""This is her husband!"" ... Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. ... Counter Thought I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed.  When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched. ... Idiots & Geography After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, ""Really?  Where is Monosyllabia?"" Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia.  He replied, ""Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"" ... Advice for Idiots An actual tip from page 16 of the Hewlett Packard Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees: ""Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."" ... Idiots in the Neighborhood I live in a semi-rural area.  We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there."
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"DETROIT As of Friday, June 24, 1994 the Ford Bronco has officially been selected as the vehicle of choice in the United States. The Conclusive California road test, as seen on national TV, proved without a doubt that the 1994 Bronco can successfully hold off 15 or more police cars, 3 helicopters, and the entire population of the United States for more than an hour and a half, while never exceeding 43 miles per hour.  The vehicle even works as well parked in the driveway of your residence. If you are a felon, then we have a special deal for you on a brand new Ford Bronco.  Just go to your local Ford dealer and ask for the new O.J. Package.  This specially equipped Bronco comes with a .30 caliber pistol, twenty five rounds of ammunition, blood resistant upholstery, cellular phone with speed-dialing for 911 calls, $10,000.00 cash, a passport, a former famous football player blow-up doll, and a high-powered well-qualified lawyer who will greet you when you arrive home. Picture yourself leaning comfortably back in your seat, listening to the gentle swirl of helicopter blades and police cars purring.  And if you act now, we will throw in the O.J. Magical Disappearing Ginzo Knife at no extra charge.  Be the first in your cell to own the new 1994 O.J. EDITION BRONCO. See your Ford Dealer now."
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Carnac the Magnificent was one of the highlights of the Johnny Carson Show. In the ongoing sketch, Carnac would draw a sealed envelope from a mayonnaise jar, and hold it to his forehead. He would then answer the question sealed inside the envelope. What is missing here is his delivery. Great sketch - and you might get lucky enough to find it on Nickoleodeon."
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"There are four basic types of chain letters:  Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds.  Oh, and a reminder- if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly and a mad goat will rape your dead body.  Thanks again!!      Wasn't that fun?  Hope you made a great wish.  Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do.  First of all, if you don't send this to a certain number of people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and then thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It's true!   Because , you now, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!! Here's how it goes. Send this to 1 person: One person will be upset with you for sending them a stupid chain letter. Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be upset with you for sending them a stupid chain letter. 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be upset with at you for sending them a stupid chain letter. 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be upset with at you for sending them a stupid chain letter. 20 to 674,951 1/2 people: 20 to 674,951 1/2 people will be upset with you for sending them a stupid chain letter. Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!    Queer Horror Story #1 Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it.  She then tripped in a crack in the side walk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poop, and went flying out over a waterfall.  Not only did she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!! Queer Horror Story #2 Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it .  Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way, especially at Oklahoma City University).  They both died and went to hell. They continued to suffer in hell where they were both cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity.  This Could Happen To You!!! Remember, you could end up like Pinsley and Bip did.  Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be Ok. Of course, there's the guy in Peoria Illinois who DID forward this on and then he married his secret crush, they moved to the suburbs, had 2.3 children and lived happily ever after. Right up until he started working late every night, started an affair with his secretary and boozing.  Then she started sleeping with the golf pro at the local country club, became addicted to sleeping pills and their 2.3 children got into gangs and drugs. Then everything went to hell, and they got divorced.  She got the house and the kids, and he got the car and child support payment, and got to keep the mortgage payment, lost his job and his car and now is working the midnight shift at the local McDonald's.   As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote.  Send it to every one of your friends.   - A friend is someone who is always at your side, - A friend is someone who likes you even though you smell like a wet dog, - A friend is someone who likes you even though you're disgustingly ugly, - A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself, - A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your loser life, - A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be raped by a mad goat and then thrown to vicious dogs, - A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet and vacuums and then gets the check and leaves and doesn't speak much English no, sorry that's the cleaning lady, Now pass this on! If you don't, Satan will send dogs in heat to your room in your sleep!!  Remember, the moral of the story is, if you get a chain letter, ignore it. TRASH IT!!!  If it's a joke or something, send it, sure! Just don't forget to delete the chain letter part.  But if it's gonna make people feel guilty  (i.e. the willieless boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen) or nervous (i.e. Miranda Pinsley who ended up in a waterfall of poop), just DELETE it. Do yourself a favor, and everyone else in the world, and say NO!!! to BLOODY CHAIN LETTERS!!""  Thank you.''"
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"A Twinkie was left on a window ledge for 4 days, during which time an inch and a half of rain fell. Many flies were observed crawling across the Twinkie's surface, but contrary to hypothesis, birds -- even pigeons -- avoided this potential source of substance. Despite the rain and prolonged exposure to the sun, the Twinkie retained its original color and form. When removed, the Twinkie was found to be substantially dehydrated. Cracked open, it was observed to have taken on the consistency of industrial foam insulation; the filling however, retained its advertised ""creaminess""  A Twinkie was placed in a conventional microwave oven, which was set for precisely 4 minutes -- the approximate cooking time of bacon. After 20 seconds, the oven began to emit the Twinkie's rich, characteristic aroma of artificial butter. After one minute, this aroma began to resemble the acrid smell of burning rubber. The experiment was aborted after 2 minutes 10 seconds when thick, foul smoke began billowing from the top of the oven. A second Twinkie was subjected to the same experiment; this Twinkie leaked molten white filling. When cooled, this now epoxylike filling bonded the Twinkie to its plate, defying gravity: it was removed only upon application of a butter knife.  A Twinkie was dropped from a ninth-floor window, a fall of approximately 120 feet. It landed right side up, then bounced onto its back. The expected ""splatter"" effect was not observed. Indeed, the only discernible damage to the Twinkie was a narrow fissure on its underside; otherwise, the Twinkie remained structurally intact.  A Twinkie was placed in a conventional freezer for 24 hours. Upon removal, the Twinkie was not found to be frozen solid, but its physical properties had noticeably ""slowed"". The filling was found to be the approximate consistency of acrylic paint, while exhibiting the mercurylike property of not adhering to practically any surface. It was noticed the Twinkie had generously absorbed the freezer odors.  A Twinkie was exposed to a gas flame for 2 minutes. While the Twinkie smoked and blackened and the filling in one of its ""cream holes"" boiled, the Twinkie did not catch fire. It did, however produce the same ""burning rubber"" aroma noticed in the irradiation experiment.  A Twinkie was dropped into a large bucket filled with water, the Twinkie floated momentarily, then began to list and sink. Viscous yellow tendrils ran off its lower half, possibly consisting of a water-soluble artificial coloring. After 2 hours, the Twinkie bloated substantially. Its coloring was now a very pale tan -- in contrast to the yellow, urine-like water that surrounded it. The Twinkie bobbed when touched, and had a gelatinous texture. After 72 hours the Twinkie had increased roughly 200 percent of its original size. The water had turned opaque, and a small, fan-shaped spray of filling had leaked from one of the ""cream holes"". Unfortunately, efforts to remove the Twinkie for further analysis were abandoned when, under light pressure the Twinkie disintegrated into an amorphous cloud of debris. A distinctly sour odor was noted.  The Twinkie's survival of a 120-foot drop, along with some of the unusual phenomena associated with the ""creamy filling"" and artificial coloring, should give pause to those observers who would unequivocally categorize the Twinkie as ""food"". Further clinical inquiry is required before any definite conclusions can be drawn. Greg Ricker Westinghouse Security Electronics"
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Britain decided it was time to switch left lane traffic to right lane traffic, as everywhere in Europe.  So they gather to plan the whole thing and nobody seems to come up with any viable solution, so they send out some help-me type faxes. A couple of days later, answers come back. The French fax read: ""As your neighbors, we are deeply touched you requested our help,"" etc., etc., ""but we have no idea at all how to do it.""  The German fax read: ""We are Germany, the most organized country in Europe, but we have not had this problem before and we do not know how to handle it.""  The Polish fax read: ""As you know, we are Poland, a country that has done a lot on the path towards democracy and economic resuscitation. ""We have a great deal of experience in such transition processes. But, as to overcome the inherent difficulties and to avoid social problems, any and all transitions must be done gradually. ""So, it is our proposal to handle the situation in three big steps. The first year, it should be mandatory only for the trucks to ride on the right lane ..."""
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-Irish accords. The crowd is huge - thousands. Her Majesty and His Holiness, can't help but have a little rivalry, both being heads of churches and all. The Queen says to the Pope, ""Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?"" He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd. Gradually the cheering subsides. The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. So the Pope says to the Queen, ""Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever of this day and rejoice. They will recount it to their grandchildren and they to their descendants."" The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. ""One little wave of your hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me."" So the Pope slaps her."
-Write a joke for this category,Miscellaneous,"Letter to Xerox and the Reply Dear Kings of Kopiers:(feel free to use that) I just started a new job as an exterminator's assistant, and part of my job is mailing out invoices to our clients.  Today, while printing all the invoices, I ran out of printer paper, so I ran down to the local office supply store and picked up several boxes of Xerox MultiUse Paper. While the invoices were printing, I noticed something on the package of paper that concerned me, and I thought I'd better check with you about it. On the box, there is a little thing that says 99.99% jam free.  I know that sometimes wood finds its way into paper, but jam? I was always taught to keep all food and drinks away from computer equipment, especially something as sticky as jam. Now, I realize that it is a very small amount of jam in each piece of paper, but we use an awful LOT of paper, my friends, and all that jam is sure to add up.  Won't that adversely affect the life of our printer?  I mean, I'm sure you know what you're doing when it comes to paper, but we use more than the average consumer, so maybe we would be better off with a ""Jam-free"" paper, if you offer such a product.  I will look for it next time I am shopping, which will be soon, as I don't want to use any more of this paper until I find out if it's really safe. If it is safe, why not say ""Contains .01% jam, but it's perfectly safe"" in big letters, since I'm sure that I am not the only one who has this concern.  You may end up selling a lot more paper that way. By the way, I'm curious as to why you would even put jam in paper. Does it help bond everything together so it doesn't look like confettii? Just curious.  Also, I'd appreciate a Xerox keychain. Thanks, Dave Cilluffo PO Box 731 Edinboro Pa 16412-0731    Thank you for your message. We greatly appreciate your taking the time to send us your feedback regarding our 99.99% jam free paper.  We have restricted the manufacture of paper to the morning because we have so many folks who eat jam for lunch.  Nevertheless, it has been our experience that small amounts of jam have found its way into the paper via morning bagels and jam-filled donuts. Our tests have shown that the .01% jam isn't harmful to machinery and you may continue to use it.  In fact the jam has improved the overall quality of the finished print.  However, you may have to keep a can of ant spray around.  You may wish to enhance paper performance by using the 99.99% jam free paper with our new line of 99.99% peanut butter free paper.  They absolutely work best when used together.  Or if you prefer you can save time by using the 99.99% PB & J free paper.  Whatever you choose we are sure you will be pleased with the results.  In appreciation of your e-mail, we will be sending you a Xerox T- shirt. If we can be of other help in the future, please let us know."