,instruction,response,titles,context,category 0,"My father and I haven't had any contact for about 2 years. Our relationship hasn't been easy since I grew up. Over the last few years, we've grown closer again until I finally stopped contacting him. He didn't get in touch with me either. Our last exchange was a text message that I found hurtful. A few things happened in the past that contributed to this. But the main reason is that I don't get on with his personality. My father gets upset easily and then gets loud. I'm a rather quiet person and tend to withdraw, which he just doesn't understand. Sometimes I still think about him and I'm sorry that things have turned out this way. My father will be 70 this year and I don't know how much longer he'll live. On the other hand, the fact that he is no longer part of my life means I have one less stress factor. This week, a mutual acquaintance contacted me. He told me that my father seems to be offended and is therefore not contacting me. But that my father would like to have contact with me again. This acquaintance has offered to mediate between the two of us and would like to meet with me to discuss the situation. As a beginner to stoicism, I would appreciate some stoic advice. My thoughts so far: my father's behavior is out of my control. Nor can I change my own nature; he and I have very different personalities that don't mesh well. When I think of my father, unpleasant memories rise up - but presumably the ancient Stoics would say that the past is also beyond my control and not relevant here. As far as I know, Seneca writes about the duty of children to honor their parents. Does it mean that part of my role as a son is to seek contact and make the first move? I'm not sure if it would make sense to do so, or if I would put a burden on myself.","If you can make use of it - if you are going to him thinking ""I need him to behave differently this time"", and you intend to become offended again if he doesn't, then don't bother: you don't want to reconnect with him, you just want another shot at forcing him to be something other than what he is. Me and my mother have close to opposite personalities. She often behaves in ways I think harm her and those around her. Despite this, we never argue and have a very close relationship - I do not need anything from her and I do not blame her for anything she puts herself through. She made serious mistakes as a parent, not least of all giving me access to alcohol from early infancy - yet I do not even blame her for my subsequent addiction: I took responsibility for my own decisions, beat that addiction as well as a host of other mental health problems I had, and now I have a great relationship with her. I can put my hand on my heart and say I do not wish her to be any way other than she is, although if she addressed some of her problems I'd feel the same way about her new, more healthy state. I have literally no unpleasant feelings about her. As a Stoic, we comprehend that we are placed in charge of ourselves. At some point, I grew up and became capable of reason, and as soon as I had it became unreasonable for me to blame my parents for the state of my life. You do blame your father for things - the unpleasant feelings you have, and the need to have him behave a certain way means you hold him to be the cause of some of the bad things in your life. I say this will all compassion - if you are an adult, he is not responsible for anything in your life. If you can get that straight in your head, you'll be able to interact with him healthily. Depending on his nature, that might involve not talking to him - my mother is a kind person despite her problems which is why we can have a close, loving relationship. Your father might be rotten to his core for all I know. I would guess that his loudness and anger towards you was triggered by you saying something that indicated what you appear to believe - that he is somehow to blame for the state of your life. If you really need to hear him accept that he is, which I can tell you is not true, then there's nothing but another shouting match waiting, and your friend ""mediating"" won't do diddly squick to stop it.",Thinking about getting back in touch with my estranged father,,general_qa 1,"Ive started reading about stoicism recently and whole story is cool and i think everyones goal should be to reach that state of mind of real stoic but i dont know how to do that. Im naturally either very calm, usually when im not intrested in something, or very impulsive and emotional, when i care about something, never in the middle and its not just mental thing its also physical so i cant control it. Is there anyone who was like that but managed to calm down and learnt how to fully control emotions? Any good advices?","The Stoic path is gradual and consistent. Understand that Stoicism doesn't aim to eradicate emotions but to avoid irrational and harmful reactions to them. Balance is key. Begin by observing your impulses without judgment. Awareness is the first step to control. Reflect on why certain things trigger you-use reason as your guide. Practice the discipline of assent: pause when a passion arises and choose not to act until reason has had its say. Remind yourself of what is within your control and what is not. Deliberate on your values and let them guide your actions, rather than momentary emotions. As with any skill, it requires practice. You might never eliminate emotions, nor should you strive to, but you can learn to manage them constructively. Stoicism is a lifelong practice, be patient with yourself.",How to actually become stoic?,,general_qa 2,my dog is 13 - ive had her since i was 3/4 - and is blind with a possible bad eye condition (that's what google tells me because my parents don't want to take her to the vet due to the chance of the inevitable possibility of needing her to be put down) she seems happy but the fact she is ill and that we're on borrowed time scares me. what is some stoic advice you can give me to get through the anticipatory grief that's keeping me awake at night and the grief that will come after,"Unfortunately as someone who also tries to follow stoic philosophy this is something that it's creeping up on me. My dogs my best friend but he's old now and gets sick often. Mentally I have been preparing for it for a long time. Try take as many pictures as possible, live in the moment with them, hug them and say I'm gonna remember this moment for life, take them on walks and drives with you when you can.",my dog is ill,,general_qa 3,"# This disease has destroyed me mentally I'm a 28 year old Italian and I always smell like urine, I only go out to work. For this reason I have no friends because I'm ashamed to go out. Living with this disease is hell you can't do anything everyone makes fun of you no one takes you seriously. I will talk about it with my psychologist even if I doubt it will help to improve things because I he will say to leave the house and socialize but it is precisely leaving the house that terrifies me. How do you deal with this thing, do you not care about people's judgment or do you do like me?","Reminder that posts with the ""Seeking Stoic Advice"" flair are considered as seeking specifically and recognizably Stoic advice. Violations may be removed. Conversely, u/Common-Job-5592 may wish to post question in the New Agora, a daily pinned thread for those who are seeking and offering personal opinions inspired by Stoicism, sharing experiences that may be influenced by Stoicism, or requesting and attempting to administer ""first aid.""",Stoic advice,,general_qa 4,"Hi I'm 23/yo, i want to share something with you guys and seeking for stoic advice. I'm reading currently ""The Daily Stoic."" But I don't know why I'm not able to apply these stoic sayings in real life and most of the time i make impulsive decisions then after sometime obviously i repent those decisions and feel ashamed. I'm a beginner in stoicism so also if you have any book to suggest for beginners please do it. So day after day practicing stoicism but I'm not able to control my emotions and at that time I don't know what I'm saying or doing i lose control over my mind. Please advise something which can help me to control my emotions and think logically so i could atleast stop making those impulsive decisions. Note : If anyone wants to suggest some books for beginners or if you have pdf available please do let me know i want to read something which really could help me to control my emotions and improve my thinking process as well.","I hope you realize that not being able to follow advice you've simply heard of without first needing to verify if it's true is a feature of your mind, not a bug. If you're expecting to assimilate Stoic ideas into your thinking by reading a few articles on the internet, you should also expect to become an architect by looking at a random building on the street. Now, only one piece of Stoic literature exists that was designed to be consumed by beginners, and that is the [Discourses of Epictetus](http://classics.mit.edu/Epictetus/discourses.html) you can start reading from the link provided. A lot of alternate translations exist, and a good chunk of them you should be able to find available for free on the internet. See if you like it - and if you do, your chances of comprehending the philosophy are probably higher than you think.",Seeking Advice,,general_qa 5,I have seen many videos and posts on how to write a journal and it's making me more confuse. Can I get all of your advices on how you write your stoic general. I would appreciate the response.,"There's no right or wrong way to do it. You can experiment with different approaches until you find the one that works for you. Personally I don't journal much because it's not a tool I find especially helpful, and that's ok too. Here are some things to try: - Day in Review. Think about the good and challenging parts of your day. Reflect on what went well and what you could have done better. Consider how you might address a problem differently next time it arises - Study Journal. Using your daily reading of Stoic literature, rephrase the main points in your own words. Consider how you could apply this in your life. Come back and make notes of how the application went, what went well and what you could improve - Premeditatio malorum. If there's something coming up you're worried about, write your concerns down. Imagine the worst case scenario, and then imagine yourself dealing with it perfectly. What would that look like? How would you feel afterwards? Related to this is: - Contemplation of the Sage. Imagine the perfect Stoic Sage, however you see them. How would this ideal person deal with the problems you're currently facing? What can you imitate in that ideal behaviour? Again, come back and write down how it went. There are lots more ways to journal, and as I say the key is to find what works for you.",Hwo to write a journal?,,general_qa 6,"For example, blatant disrespect, someone is like hahaha you're a weak pussy bitch or your daughter/wife is a slut monkey or your family is all shit. It's like shit I have pride in myself and certain things that are disrespected, but when I defend myself i never win cause it keeps going. And you can't physically do anything cause it's illegal. So the obvious thing would be to just walk away, but the emotions still linger like ""fuck that guy"". Any stoic advice for this?","I respect myself enough not to give a shit if others do. Someone else's limited perspective (about anything, including me) is their own problem. But most disrespect is brought on by the individual needing to degrade others in order to elevate themselves. When two people start reflecting off of each other, it amplifies the disrespect by amplifying each one's own insecurity. If you're secure in yourself, it doesn't hit you. It's like a dull mirror. No reflection. No amplification. Walk on by.","What sort of tricks do you use to remain stoic, when people are disrespectful?",,general_qa 7,"I have been having a very difficult time wrapping my head around all of this. My ex moved on with my friend a few months after we broke up. I had still not moved on and even after knowing this, my friend went ahead and started to date her. Upon asking them, they say that they were lonely and found comfort and love in each other. I don't know how to stomach this. It's been 6 months since this incident. I've gone through depression and passive SI. I still have these thoughts going on in my head which I don't know how to resolve. These events have brought immense pain, feeling of betrayal and destruction of my self-confidence. My friend and ex both are extremely happy right now and are very successful while I toil away in my regular routine. All I am filled up is with rage, envy and anger. I don't know what to make of this situation. I don't know if all my emotions are even valid or not. I read a lot about stoicism and it resonated a lot with me. Any stoic advice would be very helpful. Thank you.","So many people not really getting the point, ""Get over it,"" ""what's it got to do with you?"" I'll tell you straight. This practice is not about lying to yourself. You're in pain. You're hurt, and you should be. But the intellectualization has to go. Feel your feelings, respect them. But dwelling is not allowed. You must take action. You leave them be or you do the opposite. This was a lesson.",Friend dating my ex,,general_qa 8,"I was an alcoholic for the past 8 years. In retrospect I was someone who has chased quick dopamine my entire life and alcohol was my poison of choice. This lifestyle did not lead me to having the best community to be around and I was easily corrupted on my morals. Now that I am sober I have so much clarity and realize how my actions could have hurt those around me. For example, I knew being unfaithful or going to strip clubs would hurt my past partners... but could easily convince myself when drinking that ""what they don't know won't hurt them"". I have guilt for being such a selfish person in this regard. I too have been hurt by an unfaithful partner and betrayal and have vowed to never partake in behavior like this again. I was wondering if anyone had any passages for dealing with past guilt and using them as a lesson going forward, or any stoic advice at all?","""Think of yourself as dead. You have lived your life. Now take what is left and live it properly"". ~Marcus Aurelius ""Meditations"" Book 7, passage 56. This can be taken many ways but I find it relevant in anything speaking to our personal and individual past. It is just that, the past. Think only about the now, the present. If you worry about the past or future then it distracts you from the present and your present is all that matters.",Recommended quotes or passages for dealing with guilt,,general_qa 9,"I've been having intense feelings of envy lately. Despite trying to alter my perception of others' successes as stoicism would urge, I find myself getting jealous and incredibly envious of those close to me. I try and look above the lack of opportunities that are given to me, such as constant job rejections and being sidelined despite having a reasonable level of intelligence and skill set. I don't even want the external validation but crave self-actualization. It just seems that those around me are progressing in their careers and hitting life goals as if life smiles brightly upon them, whilst it crushes me down. I try and avoid going down the well of self-pity, and maintain a more positive attitude toward life but lately it has just become so challenging. Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this is in a stoic manner?","I have mentioned this analogy before on this sub, and some seemed to find it helpful: When dealing with envy, it is useful to imagine life as an Olympic swimming match. YOUR performance in YOUR lane is all you can control. If you allow yourself to be concerned with what's going on in the other lanes, you are undermining your own performance. So when envy arises, use it as an alarm to remind yourself to double down on your efforts in your own lane.",Dealing with envy,,general_qa 10,"Hey everyone! I'm seeking advice on bringing more stoicism into my life to maintain a calmer internal dialogue, especially when it comes to work-related thoughts intruding during precious moments. **My Background:** * I am Proud father of a 1-year-old boy, absolutely love fatherhood, and cherish my relationship with my girlfriend. * I am Career-oriented, working in finance (portfolio management). The job is intense, but I find the work interesting and see opportunities for professional growth. * Both my GF and I embrace a frugal lifestyle, though we're open to earning more money to allow us to travel with our kids later and potentially helping them with their first home in the future. **My Challenge:** * While I enjoy my work, I often find myself stuck with work-related thoughts during moments meant for unwinding or spending quality time with family and friends. * I can easily be present in high-intensity activities like skiing/hockey/golf or gaming, but I really struggle to disconnect during more relaxed moments like playing with my baby or engaging in casual conversations with my GF. **My question Question for you all:** * How can one incorporate stoicism to better disconnect from work-related thoughts and fully enjoy quality time with loved. My work related thoughts are more often then not unproductive and anxiety inducing.. Looking forward to your insights and tips!","I have the same question as Gnas about enjoying your work while also finding thoughts of work anxiety-provoking, but I also have a tip that may help you. If you suddenly think of something you need to remember for work, whip out your phone and send yourself a quick message to your work email. Then you know you won't forget when you get in on Monday, and you can relax. That said, one of the best ways to make sure you can enjoy your weekends without work thoughts intruding is to ensure that all your work is tied off neatly before you leave on Friday night. I spend the last working afternoon of my week doing exactly this. I'll leave myself a page of to-do's if necessary, so that I can be confident everything is in place ready for me to pick up on Monday.",Seeking Stoic Advice: Work related thoughts while not being at work...,,general_qa 11,"My mom says we make life hell for her. My mom is so ungrateful for everything. We have a pretty good life, compared to everyone else around us. She has a job as a teacher. I'm in uni and I have two siblings who are in school. And my dad has a good job. He does everything she asks yet she complains about everything. There is not a day she can go without complaining about something. Since childhood she has ruined our happiness. Like a family outing for example she always finds something and starts nagging about it. She always ridicules us and especially my dad. My dad works a 9-5 and then he comes home to her complaints. He takes her out everyday and then she starts complaining by the end of it. I have never heard her say one good word about my dad. And since recently ive started to take my dads side and when i argue with her she always plays the victim and starts crying or projects my question to us even though most of the time it doesn't even make sense. Everyone agrees she is the problem except her. She says her life is hell even though she has everything. And she fails to realize she's making it bad for the people around her. Its so draining arguing with her. She never takes anything we say into consideration. She mocks us and she doesn't realize how it affects us. In her mind only she has feelings. I dont know how to deal with this. But I at least want my little sister to have a better childhood. Shes so passive aggressive and toxic. But she loves us a lot and we are her world I know that for a fact. She's living for us. Whenever I'm away from home, she's always calling me checking in on me. When i moved out to go to uni abroad she cried at the airport. Whenever one of us is sick or has trouble she's always there by our side. Things like these are the reason I know she loves us. And my dad despite everything she talks about him tells me good things about her. Like how she has taken care of me when I was a kid. And she often says now she's just living for my younger sister. Whenever she makes me feel bad i think i should give her the silent treatment, but then i just end up forgetting and forgiving because shes my mom and i think ill be the bigger person and not hurt her. Plus I also believe that if i hold grudges I wont be free. but its a cycle it keeps on happening. my dad has given up too. wtf do i do about her its so depressing. Ive asked her multiple times to seek therapy and her response is always ""im not mental, your dad is"". The real reason of her unhappiness is nothing but herself, she's very ungrateful, whatever my dad does she always complains. and she tells us she's gonna die and we'll know then. How can I deal with this as a stoic? I'm seeking advice",Therapy sounds like a worthy recommendation,Please help me deal with my mother,,general_qa 12,"I don't want to go into too much detail, but a self-destructive, stubborn family member has recently become disabled due to performing hard labor at the ripe age of 80. She has always been like this, and she expects to get right back to it as soon as she recovers (big if). She rejects any practical help we offer, we all also live in different countries, and she only seems to enjoy talking about how much whe is suffering right now. She'd rather whine about her condition than accept a wheelchair. My therapist suggested that if I really want to help her, I need to wittness her suffering... Give her the space to demonstrate her martyrdom, listen to the whines without too much emotional engagement. Being a martyr matters to her more than getting our money or somebody to help her with work around the house. This is incredibly difficult for me because I get sucked into her pain and immediately jump to practical solutions. They all get shut down, it's clear she doesn't want that. So, how can I detach myself enough to be able to wittness? I think radical acceptance of the situation and my own limitations is the key, but I really don't know how to get there. It's devastating and additionally complicated by some resentment I have towards her. But I've decided to do this, now I seek stoic advice because I don't know what else to do. Thanks.","I also was a person that came with solutions a lot. And I don't know if this will help you, but I journal a lot and it helped me to realize that maybe I am not the right person to hand out advice and solutions. Also, I felt I was thinking maybe too much of myself to be the person to help out in a certain situation. I don't know that much at all to be coming up with solutions So after some configuration in my journal I now ask people ""would you like a solution or would you like my ear?"". Then I know and they know. It gives them respect. When they want my ear I basically just listen. I still have a hard time with not jumping to solutions and I am very poorly equipped with comforting comments. But I am learning. Hope that helps",How can I wittness somebody's suffering without getting emotionally involved?,,general_qa 13,"As many of you know journaling is a very effective tool for a stoic. I here this time and time again and I want to start doing it myself, but i'm unsure of where to start. If any of you that journal have thoughts or advice I would be extremely appreciative.","Well Journaling is different for everyone. So my best advice ""Just write"" Write about your day, write about how what happened made you feel. write about how you feel about those feelings now that you felt them. Write about what you thought, write about what you think about those thoughts. Write about some random thing you noticed or heard, Heck, according to stoicism- Just writing a random jumble of words that come to your mind as you are writing in your journal is good enough. ""Dear Journal, today work sucked because some karen came in and bitched about her hamburger being too dry, like we can even control how moist/dry the hamberger is besides hambergers are gross, hot dogs are obviously superior in quality with how they roll around on a grill and are easy to cook even in a microwave. And now I really want a hot dog so I'm going to stop here so I can get a hot dog"" Just do you, everything else will streamline as you go.",Journaling,,general_qa 14,"Hey everyone, I am a high school senior and recently my friend group came to an end over a fight between two of my friends. After this, the different groups that my closest friend have been hanging out with are making me feel uncomfortable and I feel like I don't belong with any of the new friend groups they formed. I've come to realize that some of my former friends have become insufferable and I always feel worse talking to them than before as they constantly talk about topics that make me feel uncomfortable. I wish things could go back to last year where I had a stable friend group with multiple people that cared for each other. Now I feel alone in school which has been making my time there miserable leading to greater burnout and anxiety.","I'm sorry you feel this way - it's a difficult situation to be in. I noticed you said only some of your friends have become insufferable: what if you spoke to one of your former friends, let them know how you're feeling? Maybe it's not that you don't belong with either of the two new groups - perhaps it only feels that way... You could try to form a new group of friends, unconnected to the previous two. I hope this helps",Need Stoic advice regarding school friends,,general_qa 15,"After high school, I decided to take a gap year before heading off to university. While I am grateful for the time with my parents, the loneliness has been quite overwhelming. I have a few friends in different cities, but our conversations are limited to once a week. The lack of daily social interaction is taking a toll on me. There are moments when I open my phone, only to find no notifications, and it feels like a heavy weight on my chest. I've shed a few tears because of it, and the days seem to drag on, making time feel slower than ever. As someone who values Stoic philosophy, I'm reaching out for advice on navigating this lonely period. Despite understanding the principles of focusing on what's in my control, the isolation is taking a toll. Considering getting a cat as a companion to bring some joy and comfort into my days. Would love to hear your insights and any Stoic perspectives that might help me through this challenging time.","It's funny how people can be miserable, yet when they imagine what great philosophers do, they end up imagining the philosophers would advise exactly what is already happening. Right now, you do ""cope"" with loneliness - to copy is to simply endure something. Enduring loneliness feels like being lonely then doing nothing about it. Well, that's the opposite of how a Stoic acts - a Stoic would be saying ""I am feeling compelled to end my loneliness - clearly, I have a need. Frankly, I'd be a lunatic to assume that social contact wasn't a human need. Well, my job is now to adapt my *precognition of loneliness* to the reality of my situation"". A Stoic would sign up to things. They might buy a pet, but frankly that is not the most ideal solution - humans primarily need to socialize with other humans, and cats are far from ideal if you are looking to guarantee your pet views you positively and provides companionship. A Stoic would *not* cower in fear from such tasks. They would not say ""I want to hide from the world, and somehow numb myself to the consequences of that decision"". They would say ""if I want to hide from the world, the cost is crippling loneliness, for I am not satisfying my nature. If I do not want to pay the price in loneliness, I need to face my fear and involve myself in social events"". You don't need to tell me that signing up to a boxing class or getting a part-time job would cause you to socialize with people. That's not news to you - what's news to you is that you are choosing to be lonely rather than do these things. Choosing to be lonely means you don't have to face your fears. That is not Stoicism and you do not comprehend ""focusing on what's in your control"", because the thing within your control would be your decision to face the risk of social rejection by entering some kind of social situation - you've chosen to be lonely instead of facing that risk, which means you've used your ""control"" to shoot yourself in the foot, then you're using Stoicism as an excuse not to take responsibility for the choices you've made.",Coping with Loneliness during my Gap Year,,general_qa 16,"i know that the title is a little cliche and perhaps something that is heard of a lot on this subreddit but i honestly don't know where to go with this i recently got out of a toxic relationship and around the end of it i picked up stoicism and reading stoic works particularly meditations the thing I struggle with in this scenario is dealing with some strange feeling i cant identify i deal with jealousy and while that was something i ignored in the relationship now that i ended things i feel guilty for worrying about who she may or may not be with. its a struggle just to be in the same room as her i have been able to manage my emotional reaction and not make rash decisions based on my feelings but the struggle i face is internal i understand that stoicism is not the practice of not feeling emotions but i do wish there was a way to temper my internal monologue a bit especially when i hear or see things that make me over think. i don't struggle with dealing with an external reaction at all i just struggle with being stoically minded particularly in the sense of what i do and do not control i want to be able to be at peace and happy knowing that she and her actions are not in my control and that it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things one quote in particular ""we often struggle more in imagination then in reality"" comes to mind and im looking for any advice that might pertain to gaining the ability to be at peace internally and not just externally","You are experiencing how treating the [DoC as a problem solving tool](https://modernstoicism.com/what-many-people-misunderstand-about-the-stoic-dichotomy-of-control-by-michael-tremblay/) isn't going to help you with actually difficult life problems. I would suggest you study the Discourses of Epictetus. Remembering quotes and mantras aren't going to give you the same mindset the ancient Stoics did. One thing that really stood out from your post is the lack of pacing and structure in the way you write. I'm not being pedantic - how you write a paragraph very much reflects how you think. Practice slowing down your thoughts. Learn to think deeply, not quickly. The majority of Stoic practice involves analyzing your own thoughts. You can't do this properly if you're not giving yourself time to chew on a thought before moving on to the next one.",Dealing with Breakups,,general_qa 17,"I've been addicted to food for a long time. I'm trying to fight it but it is very hard. Being addicted make me aware that I'm not a good man,let alone a good stoic. More over, I am very ashamed that I'm the only one in my family with that kind of problem. I've searched for some stoic advices but I found nothing. I would be grateful if someone direct me on a outright way.","You aren't addicted for no reason. There's a reason. A string of events in your body-mind that precede addictive behavior. Look into this. Like a scientist. Study it. Don't judge yourself. Learn. Look! If we want to really find sustainable solutions, we have to be willing to turn ourselves and our genuine curiosity towards the issue. Instead of letting ourselves be subsumed by magic bullet or quick fixes - just tell me the answer, let me just do the thing so its better. This is understandable of course, but it's a kind of momentum from desperation, instead of stepping back and learning to apply our full intelligence to the situation.",What is the stoic advice for being addicted?,,general_qa 18,"24 M. Was physically assaulted by club staff (14 v/s 3 of us) 2 years ago. That has given me a great deal of PTSD. I know the usual advice is to avoid physical fights. But if you're having a confrontation with someone and they punch you first, what to do then? What if someone teases my sister or gf? What if they are being unnecessarily physically aggressive? In such cases do I get away and call the authorities or fight?? It's somewhat of a pride thing too. Running way from such situations feels weak and hurts my pride. Thinking about all this has given me great social anxiety. And yes, I am not afraid of getting beaten up. I don't feel anxious in confrontations with known people. It's only with strangers because there's fear of death. TLDR: Was physically assaulted a few years ago. Felt powerless and weak. Got PTSD. Now often get anxious in confrontational social interactions.","Maybe it's just the area but in my entire life I've never been in a fight outside of my job (LEO). Someone teasing your GF is not a reason to start a physical altercation that could lead to death. First off you need to curb your ego, that'll probably keep you out of 90% of fights. Second there's nothing wrong with self defense, but honestly the stoic approach is don't have confrontations with people. It takes two to tango.",Stoic advice on street fights,,general_qa 19,"Hi everybody. I found my Dad yesterday morning. He'd died suddenly in his home, alone. This hurts immensely to think about. Around 8 years ago I also found my mother dead. I thought I'd processed that, but I'm finding all those feelings are coming back up now. Maybe that's natural, I'm not sure. A couple of months back I had started to dabble in Stoicism as a concept. I've listened to Meditations and found it really insightful in reframing everyday life. I was hoping to get some advice on the Stoic approach to grief, as I'm really struggling here to tell you the truth. Could anybody point me in the right direction? Thanks very much.","First of all, time has a curative effect on your mind. So give it some time to start with. Remember Seneca when he wrote to his mother a letter to console her grief: > I realized that your grief should not be intruded upon while it was fresh and agonizing, in case the consolations themselves should rouse and inflame it: for an illness too nothing is more harmful than premature treatment. So I was waiting until your grief of itself should lose its force and, being softened by time to endure remedies, it would allow itself to be touched and handled. - Seneca 11.1 Of Consolation to Helvia I realize that you are suffering. But that is natural. Don't suppress it. Don't deny it. Lean into it, at least for a day or two. Most often you will find yourself starting to come to terms with what has happened. Consider looking up what the Stoics had to say about grief, perhaps the rest of Seneca's letter above. The common themes I used to interrogate my grief were; * Everyone must die, those are the rules of life, why should I desire the rules to be changed just for me? * We are all given a certain amount of time, is there not some gratefulness to be had in that he had this much time rather than this little? * I am not alone for his wisdom lives on in me. Not only in terms of what virtues to imitate but also in his flaws, and what to avoid. * There is no suffering in death, there is no harm. It is no evil. I would feel grief, weep, course correct by interrogating it and then distract myself. And repeat the pattern. The Stoics prescribe a lot different. But personally I wasn't ready to implement all the prescriptions at a time of crisis. It would be like waking up at the olympics and trying to become an athlete while running the race by reading a book while running about how to become a runner.",Advice on Grief,,general_qa 20,"So long story short...I've been an admirer and reader of the Stoics, particularly Marcus Aurelius, for years. What I'm trying to do is to practice the virtues sufficiently that they become habit and second-nature to me - something that probably will take years if not decades to accomplish. It's a really difficult task and I've messed up (pretty badly) on multiple occasions. And so I often ask myself the question ""How did \[insert Stoic\] do it?"" At least for Marcus Aurelius it seems part of the answer was keeping himself accountable with his personal journal - what we read as Meditations today. And Meditations is a beautiful book, just...I've found it really hard to read. The problem might be the version, I'm using the Hicks version, but it's always seemed like a collection impossibly difficult maxims that I could appreciate in a moment of serenity but not in a moment of crisis. Is the problem the version I'm using? Am I studying Meditations wrong? Is it just my fault for being slow-witted? Any advice would be much appreciated.","Studying Stoicism from Meditations is like studying high-school physics from Einstein's private study notes on General Relativity. Yes, it's no surprise you're having problems, it's not a problem with you or a specific translation you're using. Find a book that explains Stoicism as a whole (the bot has already given you a link with some recommendations), and when you understand it you'll be able to put Aurelius' reflections into context. If Meditations is what you really want to start with, check out Pierre Hadot's ""The Inner Citadel"", which is an analysis of Meditations.",How should you actually read Meditations?,,general_qa 21,I wonder what kind of a advice a stoic would give his 20 years old self !,"i wouldn't say a goddamn thing. i wouldn't trade this life for anything. even something like buying bitcoin would alter my life, but i'm truly happy with where my life is right now, and that's with huge issues!!",What advice would you give you're 20 years old self,,general_qa 22,"I'm a generally very enthusiastic and reliable Person, which has lead to me playing a part in wild array of professional endeavours and informal projects. Now people have gotten used to me being there to support them and move things forward, which in turn leaves me with less and less time to regenerate. I'm still doing all the things I say I'll do, but I realised that people rely on me more than I initially thought. Through my general percieved competence (no doubt a result of my stoic doctrin), I'm often expected that I'll handle unexpected upcoming challenges. How can I pull back without a) disappointing others by leaving them to fend for themselves and b) disappointing myself by not living up to my standards of being a leader and problem solver? Thank you for any advice or stoic literature you have to offer on this topic.","1-If you want peace and tranquility, do less. 2-Make a list or your responsibilities in order of what is most essential, to least essential. Start cutting out the least essential, one by one. 3-Eliminate unessential thoughts, since they often lead to unessential tasks. 4-You can't control if others are disappointed. You can control what you value more, keeping others happy, or yourself happy. Act accordingly and accept the result without complaint. You're a ""leader"" and ""problem solver""? Don't take this advice from me. Take it from a Roman Emperor who certainly had more demanded of him than you or I. ""*Democritus has said: 'Do few things, if you would enjoy tranquillity.' May it not be better to do the necessary things and what the reason of a creature intended by Nature to be social prescribes, and as that reason prescribes? For this brings not only the tranquillity from doing right but also from doing few things. For if one removes most of what we say and do as unnecessary, he will have more leisure and less interruption. Wherefore on each occasion he should remind himself: 'Is this not one of the necessary things?' And he should remove not actions merely that are unnecessary, but imaginations also, for in this way superfluous actions too will not follow in their train.*"" -Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book IV, 24",How to cope with expectations?,,general_qa 23,"I'm very new to stoicism, i'm not really a stoic but I thought that advice from r/stoicism might help. Whenever I make a mistake like accidentally locking myself out on the balcony or dropping a plate I just think ""Why are you so pathetic"", that self pity makes me feel terrible but I can't just let go of it. I can't just go ""it is what it is"" and forget it, that feeling still lingers despite me acknowledging that I made a mistake and that it's fixed. I'm very emotionally fragile inside and controlling my emotions is hard, it's challenging for me to press onwards after feeling bad.","I used to think very much like this. *For me*, I couldn't have told myself ""it is what it is"" and walk away unbothered because they were not understood to be small things. *For me* these would have been small examples of a larger ""truth"" I believed about myself. Believing you're pathetic (or worse) isn't a small thing; our sense of self is huge. It can make or break us. It wasn't until I learned about Stoicism that I learned to interpret these events differently, and more importantly, to think about myself and my relationship with the world around me differently, and decades of self-loathing beliefs began to slowly wash away. Slow because it takes time to unlearn a lifetime of habits, but in my experience it was well worth it. You'll get some nice advice here, and you already have I see, but nothing can replace understanding the philosophy, and that comes by study. Here's a good place to start: [Introducing Stoic Ideas](https://www.reddit.com/r/Stoicism/search/?q=%22Introducing+Stoic+Ideas%22+author%3AElAround+&include_over_18=on&restrict_sr=on&sort=new).",How do I stop letting small mistakes get to me?,,general_qa 24,"Hi everyone I would like to ask you what exercises you need to do in order to grow in virtue. I read Marcus Aurelius several times, but I abandoned it in favor of the diatribes and the encheiridiona of Epictetus. I also read Cicero, whom I like very much because of his understanding of virtue. 1 Specific question: what do you think about asceticism as a preferential good that purifies all vices from man? Such as laziness, lack of self-discipline, and so on. Of course, this serves as a preliminary stage, for it is known that the man who tilles the soil, has uprooted the weeds, cut the earth, and sows or plants, that is, develops virtues. That's not to say that he hasn't done it before, but that getting rid of the superfluous helps. What do you think? (P.S. I'm a fan of Cynic asceticism) 2 Can virtue be exercised and will it always be present until we neglect it? I'm afraid that virtue is only an exercise of judgments in the mind that we hold onto, and that when they are lacking, it turns out that there is no virtue and never has been? After all, if it turns out that Stoic virtue is just a matter of the mind, I think I'd rather have Cicero's teaching on virtue than the Greek masters. 3 Do you have any internships that you can recommend to me? The reason I'm asking you this is that I'd rather deal with practices than just theoretical scripts on a lot of websites. I believe I can learn a lot from you, so if you would like to share some advice with me, I will be happy to hear it. Please be patient and understanding, I'm not even sure if I gave the right flair (I'm sorry if I chose the wrong one). I try to learn new things and analyze what I already know, whether what I knew was really right. Best regards!","1. I think Epictetus' take is smart and worthy of attention: temporary asceticism aids one in removing their passions; it does not remove vice, it helps a newcomer reevaluate their attitudes and judgments toward external things they're accustomed to desiring and, when these things are attained, unduly finding pleasure in. 2. Only the sage has virtue. Cleanthes thought it could not be lost, but his successor disagreed. This may be helpful: https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/episteme-techne/#Stoi. Connecting to the first question, it might be worth noting that Epictetus' asceticism was meant to help prepare the student to gain an understanding of virtue and how to reasonably desire it. While the student is practicing restraint from all desire, and until they've reached a certain point there, virtue is out of reach. 3. This post may be of interest: https://old.reddit.com/r/Stoicism/comments/18w70zh/are_there_any_online_stoicism_courses_worth_doing/","On Virtue, Asceticism and the Request for Help",,general_qa 25,"Yeah that's basicallly it. In a nutshell, i was raised by a loving christian family and ended up becoming an atheist a year ago, without them knowing it. I love my family more than anything, and they help me a lot, my brother is like a father to me as he taught me a lot of the values i have today, in which some correlate to that of Stoicism. But the problem is, i stopped believing in God. I am not seeking for religious advice or anything, because it just doesn't make sense to me in believing in a religion again, what i am struggling with is how to deal with it when it comes to my family. I know they would get sad and maybe even exclude me for it... I feel helpless because as far as i am concerned i am the only one in my family that doesn't believe in the religion and that makes me feel lonely and unmotivated. Not only that, but oftentimes i feel like i am being too selfish, in the sense of ""They did everything to me and now you just leave everything"", specially towards my mom who struggled a lot to raise me. Its been weeks i am dealing with this, and this questioning in my head is destroying me, i just can't work properly anymore with all of this. I would like to know how me, as a someone who considers myself a stoic should deal with this, i even considered returning to the faith but i did that twice before and i relapsed back to atheism and i am afraid it could happen again I am aware that Stoicism teaches that i should focus on what i can control, but since i am still underage, the only thing i can still control here is to pretend i am still a believer and attending the church with them.","There's no need, advantage, gain in telling your family about your choice. Unless you're seeking drama for drama's sake.",Afraid of how my family would react to my lack of beliefs,,general_qa 26,"OK, maybe not really like /r/niceguys, I am happily married, and when I was single I had no problems dating, although casually dating, FWB, ONS. My ""problems"" manifest mostly at work, friendships and family members. ----- I am not new to Stoicism, I have read the classics and Pigliucci/Irvine; and I know that Stoicism is not about suppressing one's emotions. I am posting here because the mods allow *""Seeking Stoic Advice""* posts, and because the comments here are the best quality comments across the entire Reddit ecosystem. I am an old(er) Redditor and I have come a long way in my life; up until not long ago I thought that my life was pretty great, then the other day I lost my temper, something that had not happened in a very long time, and that I thought it was gone from my personality; but there I was. And it was ugly. I was ugly. Details withheld because they don't matter. Losing one's temper is uncalled for. Period. But my reflections on what happens has led me to keen observation of my MO(s) and behavior, and I have come to the realization that: 1. I don't perform well in confrontations 2. I don't perform well under stress (stress real or imagined) 3. I play ""nice"" by default, but then turn ugly in situations #1 and #2 above. 4. So really, I am not that ""nice"". I have read ""No More Mr Nice Guy"", as well as ""Not Nice"" and ""The Disease to Please"". Dear members of this Stoa, if you are still with me, besides my Stoic practice of reading and re-reading the classics and selective modern Stoic writers (I don't do Ryan H), daily journaling, daily journaling challenging my belief systems, what resources do you have for me to better myself? I am also looking into my insurance benefits for going to therapy too. I have been in therapy in the past for depression and then declared depression-free (and I believe it). I know I have some problems with anxiety and, of course, anger; but I do believe that anxiety and anger are related. Sorry for the wall of text, and thanks in advance.","I read No More Mr. Nice Guy 3 years ago and realized it was 100% me. I read Epictetus and realized it was 100% not me, but closer to who I want to be. When I get angry, I journal it out. I try to identify what was the impression that I received? Then, what was the judgment I made of that impression? Was my response to that impression virtuous? You could say this is closing the barn door after the horse got out, but it's the only way I know how to get better. Look at Discourses 3.8. Epictetus gives us instructions on how exactly to train our mind to respond to impressions. There's also nothing wrong with using the No More Mr. Nice Guy playbook to review your actions. Did you get upset because you had a covert contract? Were you previously unable to express your displeasure with something because you were avoiding conflict and then it exploded out of you? Taking the time to dissect failures gives you a better chance of finding the right path in the moment next time.",I am one of the r/niceguys. How do I undo this?,,general_qa 27,"I'm in love with an addict, and I recently our relationship. When I broke up with him, I told him that part of the reason I was ending things was that I loved him too much to watch him kill himself. I was experiencing a lot of emotional distress because of his addiction and the way he was letting it impact his life and our relationship. He's a truly beautiful man, with a heart like none I've ever met and more love to give that I ever knew was possible, but was destroying his health and making it impossible to maintain a romantic relationship. From a Stoic perspective, I'm curious how to navigate our post-breakup friendship or whether I should not have one with him. Would growing as a Stoic mean learning to accept his self-destructive tendencies, and choose to serve as a support and friend if he chooses to get sober? Would it mean lovingly holding him accountable when he asks for support, and pointing out his patterns when he wants advice? Or would growing as a Stoic mean accepting that a leopard cannot change its spots, accepting that remaining in his life may be harming us both more than anything, and walking away? I will greatly appreciate any wisdom or experience this community has to share.",">Or would growing as a Stoic mean accepting that a leopard cannot change its spots, accepting that remaining in his life may be harming us both more than anything, and walking away? You know full-well it's this one.",In love with an addict,,general_qa 28,"Hi, I have recently tried to read more about stoicism to combat my anxiety. I bought ""Meditations"" , and I am now working my way trough it. I recently got to know that I am moving, and moving out from my current rental. Which I have had soon over a year. I am worrying constantly and anxious about the landlord fining me a lot of money for wear & tear. Is there any stoic advice that could perhaps help me? Just looking for a way to better myself and my mind.","Paraphrasing Epictetus in Discourses: > ""He who does not worry about the future suffers, at most, once whenever a tragedy happens. But he who does worry about the future suffers twice: once in his imagination before the tragedy, and once when the tragedy itself happens. Indeed, often the worrier suffers only in his mind; tragedy may strike in his mind but not in reality. The mind can imagine torments far more severe than could ever happen in reality""",Seeking advice: Anxiety about the future,,general_qa 29,"I've been practicing Stoicism for a couple of years now, and I do see some improvements. These days I am tackling an issue that I have: when I interact with people I tend to ""forget"" to pay attention to the moment, to be Mindfull, and I react emotionally to most everything. While I know this is not a Stoic matter, there's always a lot of useful advice here, Stoic advice. So, how can I maintain my Mindfullness when interacting with other people? TIA",">These days I am tackling an issue that I have: when I interact with people I tend to ""forget"" to pay attention to the moment, to be Mindfull, and I react emotionally to most everything. In my experience, this reaction is a result of automatic judgments about your circumstances. The way the Stoics understood this mental process was something like this: You experience stimuli like sight and sound (someone is talking to you). Your mind automatically and very quickly creates an impression about this experience (she's angry). This impression is like a proposition of reality. Your mind is suggesting the following is a true statement, ""What I'm seeing and hearing is the result of her anger. Furthermore, she's angry at what I said just now."" This is followed by the next impression, which has to do with her anger, and whether or not it's justified, or you're being falsely accused (each of which inspires the next impression, etc, etc) When you have the time, quietly and carefully look at these impressions and question them, scrutinize them, challenge them against what you know as well (ie, it's not logical to go immediately to a knee-jerk defense without first hearing what she has to say). This is where journaling can be really helpful. Write this out as a court case, make your beliefs defend themselves. Challenge them with every argument you can think of. This will help you identify any [cognitive biases](https://www.verywellmind.com/cognitive-biases-distort-thinking-2794763) and [blind spots](https://effectiviology.com/bias-blind-spot/) (which we all have) that are contributing to your understanding, or misunderstanding of events. As you change your beliefs, the same situations won't carry the same meaning. When we frame our experience differently, we feel differently about it. If you're reacting emotionally to things, it may be an indication you've got a lot of beliefs stumbling over one another and you haven't taken sufficient time to suss them out. ""Mindfulness,"" or being mindful is a product of this process - it is the response to a situation based on the belief that waiting and observing is the often best option. >While I know this is not a Stoic matter, there's always a lot of useful advice here, Stoic advice. How to understand and relate to our experiences is always a Stoic matter. >So, how can I maintain my Mindfullness when interacting with other people? In addition to practice (which includes not shaming yourself for lacking a skill you haven't yet developed), I would encourage you to take some time to really look at those beliefs you hold, the ones that inspire the emotional responses of worry, hurry, and desire to scurry.",How do I maintain Mindfulness when interacting with people?,,general_qa 30,"When practicing temperance in a situation where you are offended how should you respond to the person that offended you. In my situation this person is my father in law and my mother in 2 separate situations. Normally I am not bothered by others options and what they say to me because I do not care what a random person thinks of me. However in this situation I value both relationships and respect both people. I am struggling with how I should feel. Is there any advice or stoic teaching that y'all have read of or used in this kind of situation? Also any links or reading I could do on the topic would be really appreciated. Thank you for your time. -PG","The Stoics argued another person cannot cause us offense since the essence that is us, the thing that identifies us as an autonomous agent, cannot be harmed by anyone or anything. [As Michael Tremblay explains](https://tremblaymichael.wordpress.com/category/stoicism/introduction-to-stoicism/): >Stoicism argues that what we fundamentally are is our *hegemonikon* or ruling-faculty. The ruling-faculty considers information, and then makes a decision about how to act based on that information. As such, it can be roughly understood as our faculty of choice. We are just this choice and nothing else. We are not our possessions, our reputation, or even our body, but just this capacity to reflect upon information, and make a decision. In this way, considering why your feelings were hurt by a comment or experience would give you the opportunity to understand what impressions you hold to be true, and make corrections where necessary. In this light, temperance isn't something you practice, as it's not a behavior to be applied to a situation. Rather, temperance is the knowledge of what goal to seek. You might find this series of posts helpful: [Introducing Stoic Ideas](https://www.reddit.com/r/Stoicism/search/?q=%22Introducing+Stoic+Ideas%22+author%3AElAround+&include_over_18=on&restrict_sr=on&sort=new).",Temperance,,general_qa 31,"I recently began reading a translation of Epictetus' works. In one part of it, he says it is better to be poor and starve to death in tranquility than to live anxiously in abundance. He also says ""you can always win competitions in which winning is up to you"". Now I have recently decided to take a big leap in my career by giving an extremely difficult exam and move abroad. My reasons are that I will be at the top of my career (and very good at my job) with a significant improvement in pay and a better work life balance. My reason for leaving my country is bad work culture & toxicity, being undervalued, bad working hours. The whole process of moving abroad is extremely difficult and taxing. Reading the above stoic advice has got me confused because this goes directly against it. I really do want to achieve things and be pretty good at my job. Pay is secondary. However, I do value a good work life balance. Should I adopt these stoic values and change my mind about this huge step I am going to take? Is there any other view this? Please help.",Epictetus is talking about a choice between poor and happy vs rich and miserable. If your choice was poor and miserable vs rich and happy obviously it doesn't apply.,Stoic values and Career,,general_qa 32,"Some of you might be thinking, aren't t people supposed to be happy and feeling fresh for a new year. Well not so much for me. I'm a teenager. I got to put up with harder subjects, difficult teachers, in a new environment because of changing classes and having to put up with my family's reprimands or strict ideals. I know this might all sound minor. But to top it off, I've experienced possibly the most gruelling period of my life I had ever faced. You might want to read my posts back in around April-July this year. Assuming that you've read my posts, I have developed a trauma towards the whole experience. I do not want to degrade others with much worse traumatic experiences. I'm afraid that next year I will have another ""gruelling period of my life"". Now the one back in April-July left me traumatised, so it makes the fear much more scarier. I'm not traumatized by the event itself, but the process of overcoming it. I went through a lot of struggle just to cope and overcome. And it was so arduous to go through that now I am intensely afraid of experiencing that same pain and struggle of overcoming another occurrence. Sometimes when I come across scenarios where the atmosphere feels similar to one of the situations back then, I would actually start to become self-conscious and panic. I would physically feel my heart starting to feel uncomfortable. Again, from an external view, this might seem a bit minor but for me it was definitely damaging so bear with me. A part of me knows going through it is necessary for growth and learning. Since it was exactly that period of April-July that forced me to find something to help cope with things, that being finding Stoicism. Any similar hurdles in the future may also present the same kind of opportunities. But I can't help but worry and fear that similar things will occur in the next few years of my life. Just imagining having to go through so much of that same traumatic struggle. And this trauma causes the fear of suffering to overpower the fear of remaining static or the lack of growth. I also can't help but worry about the far future of my life as a whole and all the difficult things I need to deal with along the way. But I'll assume I won't live that long, and even telling myself this isn't enough (I am not suicidal by any means). I'm aware that there are many stoic doctrines that can help with my situation or that this anxiety is just fleeting and should just live with it. But despite that I still can't help but worry. And I'm really starting to lose my ground to the present. It just keeps occupying my mind full of these scary images. And I don't have the time or privacy to randomly close my eyes and spend 5 or 10 minutes to mentally rehearse all my approaches(that's how I personally do it). Any advice from fellow stoic practitioners is much appreciated. It's also best if your response can be concentrated on all the aspects I've mentioned and thank you for understanding.",How are you progressing with your Stoic studies? You asked for book recommendations recently - what did you end up buying and what are you currently reading?,Dreading the dawn of a new year and beyond it,,general_qa 33,"I just can't take any responsibility. I can't go to school without outside involvement, I never finish something I started, can't stick to a schedule, I just can't do things on my own will.","Self limiting mindset. You absolve yourself of responsibility by saying you can't do it without outside involvement, which is weakness. A failure of will. > At dawn, when you have trouble getting out of bed, tell yourself: ""I have to go to work-as a human being. What do I have to complain of, If I'm going to do what I was born for-the things I was brought into the world to do? Or is this what I was created for? To huddle under the blankets and stay warm?"" - Marcus Aurelius",Stoic advice on taking responsibility,,general_qa 34,"A friend I considered close has disappointed me and out of curiosity I would like to hear how others may choose to act in this situation (from a stoic point of view). A month ago I had a low point and messaged my friend if she could call me whenever she was free. No response. A month passes and she completely ignores the message. I know she'd been out partying etc. At the very least she could've messaged me just to let me know she's a little busy and will catch up when she's available etc. out of respect. Additionally, I usually spend Christmas with her family because I'm in a foreign country and I've gotten close with them; they are always so caring and kind to me. Before this silent month, she had mentioned the invite from her parents again. But since ignoring my message she also never followed up on that invite or bothered checking on my Christmas plans etc. I also did not feel comfortable reaching out to inquire about coming over for Christmas since she hasn't even had the courtesy to open my message. Finally I receive a lame message from her on the 23rd about how she apparently didn't notice my message and that she's been busy working and fell ill on the week etc. I love her but I know she has tendencies to be...entitled and kind of unreliable. Not only with me but that's her core personality. She does what feels best to herself in the moment dealing with the consequences later. There's also been one other ongoing issue (nothing too serious but still enough for me to get annoyed and insecure) that I've tried to communicate to her but her behavior has not changed and I'm not sure I'm comfortable tolerating it anymore. I haven't bothered to respond to her message yet. I considered just ghosting her myself snd not talking to her again. Is that a bit too strong a reaction?","I am not a psychologist or anything like that, but it sounds to me like your feelings got really hurt because your friend didn't come through in the way you had hoped, and then you tested her to confirm your suspicions. And now you're punishing her by withholding your friendship because she doesn't deserve it. The thing is, the problems you've identified and the solutions you've come up with to resolve those problems aren't effective. These problems will continue to repeat with others because your fundamental understanding of your needs and your relationships is inefficient. If you start with the wrong premise, you'll not find the right solution no matter how genuinely you wish to do so. Stoicism can offer a framework for understanding and navigating the social world. It requires the intention and ability to develop a paradigm shift in some pretty major places. You might find this philosophy to be a helpful guide; I did, and I grew up in a family that acted quite like this (case in point, I talked with my mother this morning and learned of something that would have made me flip my lid, today I just laughed, it's so silly!). I would encourage you to read Epictetus' Discourses. You can find it online in a number of different translations, and if any of it to be poignant, you can read more. I found a few sentences and ideas hit me like a bolt, and it started changing the way I thought of my experiences. Then I read more. I'm not a very fast reader, but it's like looking at those optical illusion paintings - once you see the hidden image that was always there, you can't not see it. Stoicism is that hidden image that was always there.",How would you proceed in my situation from a stoic point of view? Advice for dealing with a flaky friend,,general_qa 35,"I've accepted that I'm going to be single forever and I'm wondering if there's any stoic perspective on how to cope with such a fundamental human desire being thwarted forever. P.S. please to answer the actual question and not give me dating advice.","Epictetus may serve as a role model for you. He never married and had no children. In later life he adopted a child and hired a woman to help care for her. As far as we can tell, he invested his life fully in teaching Stoicism. Other people who never married and yet led significant lives include Jane Austen, Beethoven, Isaac Newton, Queen Elizabeth I, Florence Nightingale and Nikola Tesla. I knew someone who lived and died without ever finding the relationship happiness she was looking for. It does happen, but it doesn't mean your life has to be miserable and meaningless.","Does stoicism offer any advice on coping with being ""forever alone""?",,general_qa 36,I am constantly worried about the smallest signs of that something is wrong and I always take it to the biggest of extremes. I am seeking Stoic advice on this issue to relieve my worries.,"Health anxiety is a challenge in today's western world for sure. We can cure the most amazing things today, if they get to it on time. Getting to it on time is a challenge because the health systems in many countries are still overwhelmed or inaccessible. So people try to look for information on the internet where every diagnosis is potentially cancer. This then trigger the prospect of dying, and doubt. If you fear death, then issues with your health will cause anxiety. If you fear pain, then issues with your health will cause anxiety. I don't think Stoic philosophy has a quick fix other than starting from the beginning and spending a couple of years at it. If it's any consolation, we usually overthink these things. Learn diaphragmatic breathing if your anxiety feels like panic.",Health anxiety,,general_qa 37,"I'm 19 years old and my mom has early-onset alzheimer's disease. She was diagnosed at only 50. It's not been easy at all. I wouldn't say I'm new to stoicism, I've read Meditations, Discourses, and Letters from a Stoic. I've been interested and learning about it for a few years now, since before my mom's diagnosis. The issue is that learning about it and applying it are two very different beasts, which I'm sure you all know. It's silly, but for some reason I feel like this is a true stoic ""test"" for me: facing an insurmountable tragedy I have no way of helping. How do I navigate the future? I understand that this is something I have no power over; it is completely out of my control. But how do I actually *apply* that to myself? When I first started learning about stoicism, it was relatively straightforward to internalize because I wasn't facing something like this. But now that I am... I'm realizing just how difficult this philosophy really is to apply when tragedy strikes. How do I do this? How do I navigate through this? I'm struggling so much and so any bits of advice would be more than appreciated.","Understand that following stoicism doesn't mean not feeling any emotions through this difficult diagnosis. Feel sad, feel frustrated, feel anger - all those emotions are natural and part of the ""navigating."" Where stoicism can help is in deciding how you respond to your situation, what actions you take during this time. You can commit to being the best son you can be. You can be a good sibling and be a comfort to others who also love your mom. Best of luck as you work through this very difficult time.",A Stoic approach to dealing with a parent who has early-alzheimer's disease?,,general_qa 38,"So around two weeks ago, my life was going well, my self esteem was rising from a shit 2022, and i thought i was out of the ringer. Then all that hope was thrashed into peices. bassically this kid that i was sort of friends with made this rumor about me saying that i leaked his home adress. This was a blow as i thought this kid was my friend. Then my popualarity and reputation that i once had crumbled. I thought this was the deepest pit of hell a man can face, all his friends who he realises are fake leaving him, although it got worse, so much more worse. Then he added me to this group chat on snapchat and got this kid to threaten me and press me, no matter how much i tried to explain they would not understamd the truth. They forced me to confess to somthing i did not do under the threat of a beating. And i thought that that was it, it got worse, this was probably the first time i experienced real trauma, and im only a highschooler. They added me to another chat with 15 other kids, who were all gang affiliated although in highschool and they threatened me, harrased me and even said they would stab me. Those thoughts keep me up at night. Anyways i kept this all to myself, my pearents did not need added stress, and i was forced to pay these people 20$ to let me live. It got worse, the next weekend i had a family gathering, in wich took my mind of taht trauma, on monday i checked my snapchat, apparently over the weekend i was placed in another groupchat with even more kids, giving more death threats to me. the things they said made my shiver, i gave one $20 now they all wanted up to 50$ saying they wanted a new vape or a new knife. But when they did not get a response from me as i was busy with the gathering and hanging out with my cousins. They moved on to 3 other kids, pressing them, death threating them, they sent images of their guns and knives and vapes to them, and even took $50 from them. I could not let this slide, i had to make sure this would nto happen again, i got another phone and recorded the whole conversation,this way they would not know i collected this. That should atleast send them to juvie right? But i wanna tell the authorities in a way that would not let them know that i was the snitch, cos if they find out man then idk what will happen... anyways its been 3 weeks, school break has started,i deleted my snap account and blocked them all, i only have my family and becaus of erliar events no friends to spend the break with. I intend to spend the next year hiding from them all, taking a new route home, spending my breakes in the libary. But those thoughtsv still haunt me. I dont know what to do. Could stoisicim help me?","Stoicism can't help you but your parents can. Talk with them, you're not equipped to handle this. Things like this are adults' responsibilities.","I need good advice from some stoic men, because i dont know what will happen to me now, im getting death threats in highschool",,general_qa 39,"Hey everyone. I consider myself an amateur stoic; have read Aurelius and Seneca and am currently reading Epictetus. A little background: So I had a 5+ year relationship that ended late 2021. We ended up remaining best friends to this day. Since then, I wanted to get back with her, but have tabled it due to her wanted to work on herself and heal some personal trauma(due to school and family deaths). Throughout the process, I have really tried to be patient, but the past 6 months or so I have been losing my patience with the situation. The real issue: I am fine with the whole ""single"" dynamic and letting her heal on her own. However, I do have personal sexual needs that are not being met (I have high sex drive). The last time we had sex was Jan 2022. We live together in seperate rooms but still kiss and maintain a closeness. I have tried to work with her and be patient and understanding but there have been so many times where something can happen and she pulls away. At this point, seeing how much I am hurting, she has told me to look elsewhere to get what I need. The problem with this is that I am devoted to her and am not looking for sex in that kind of way. I am at my breaking point. It not like I am addicted or am falling prey to my desires, as I have done without for past 2 years. But I also want to experience fun and life. Stoicism has definitely helped me maintain the past year. But the lack of any progress coupled with my inability to move on is shaking me. Reading Seneca and how he talks about time makes this situation feel all the more urgent to me... Would love some good advice. Thanks for reading","With respect, perhaps you're at your breaking point because you're hanging onto a fantasy that she is unwilling to accommodate, and, fortunately, you realize you're not entitled to demand. The problem is not sex, the problem is your inability to recognize and conform your preconceptions about sex, relationships, and your relationship with her specifically, to your specific circumstances. You might find this article helpful: [The Proper Application of Preconceptions: Curing ""The Cause of All Human Ills"" by Greg Lopez](https://modernstoicism.com/the-proper-application-of-preconceptions-curing-the-cause-of-all-human-ills-by-greg-lopez/). When you get to the fourth book of Epictetus' Discourses, pay special attention to the first chapter. >He is free who lives as he likes; who is not subject to compulsion, to restraint, or to violence; whose pursuits are unhindered, his desires successful, his aversions unincurred. You're not free, you're compelled by your belief that you need sex with her to be comfortable, for your life to be well, to be released from your life of constraint. This is not looking at the matter as it is but as you wish it to be. Until you are able to face any circumstance without believing you require others or to be some way for your well being, you are at the mercy of your haphazardly produced, hastily analyzed thoughts, forever seeking confirmation bias for validation. >What is it, then, that makes a man free and independent? For neither riches, nor consulship, nor the command of provinces nor of kingdoms, can make him so; but something else must be found. What is it that keeps any one from being hindered and restrained in penmanship, for instance? "" The science of penmanship."" In music? ""The science of music."" Therefore in life too, it must be the science of living. As you have heard it in general, then, consider it likewise in particulars. Is it possible for him to be unrestrained who desires any of those things that are within the power of others? ""No."" Can he avoid being hindered? ""No."" Therefore neither can he be free. Your freedom does not lie in the arms of your friend. It does not lie at her lips. It does not lie at her willingness to have sex with you. It lies in your ability to realize these actions aren't necessary to live well. You need to wake up from the dream that this woman, or any woman, holds your relief and freedom. Remove that burden from her, it's unfair, irrational, and hostile. Remove that burden from you, it's tethering you to a fantasy that prevents you from living free. Until you learn to do that, you will continue to feel frustrated.",A unique and frustrating relationship (need good stoic advice),,general_qa 40,It might sound good to feel important but I don't like it cause I wanna be a normal person.,"In order to better ensure that users seeking Stoic advice receive well-informed, Stoic responses, we have decided to [refine some requirements in the subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/r/Stoicism/comments/18f5pc0/one_major_change_and_some_minor_changes_to_the/). Posts that are not specifically and recognizably Stoic advice may be removed.",Why can't I get rid of the feeling that I'm special or important? And do the stoics have advice for this ?,,general_qa 41,"I've been reading about stoicism for about a year now and its had a huge impact on my mental health, however recently my ability to put it to use has been tested to say the least. This may seem trivial compared to other peoples problems, but I have a young cat (soon to be five y/o) who I may lose in the near future. He has a condition he has to be medicated for and this medication has a long list of probable side effects, the biggest one being another illness where I have decided that I would rather put him down than make him go through that treatment. This is not a 100% certanity, but it is indeed a very probable risk and I cannot stop worrying, waiting and bracing myself for the heartache of having to decide to let him go. I have had more time than many others have gotten and I try to be thankful for this and to appreciate each day instead of thinking about the next, but this is constantly on my mind and I feel so sad and anxious about it. Any advice would be much appreciated. Tl;dr: There is a big risk I might have to put my cat down in the near future, seeking advice on how not to waste the remaining time worrying.","My dog just turned 15 and the entirety of the last year I've expected him to need to be put down at any time. I've been able to appreciate the time I have with him and not worry about losing him, though. I mean, I know it's going to suck. But why grieve early? It's not going to shorten the overall time spent grieving! If you stay grounded in the present moment (guided meditations can help with this!) you can easily see-and sense with your other senses too-that your pet is right in front of you. Your floof is a little marvel. A love box. Your friend and companion. Appreciate him fully and put your full attention on the moment, and you won't have space for grief. Also, know that when the time comes, you'll be able to handle it. It will be okay. You'll stay present then, too. Finally, our little loves are never truly gone. You can close your eyes any time you want and feel them with you. Their memory truly does live on in our hearts. Love is everywhere, we only have to be still to feel it arise around us. Wishing you well.",Stoic advice for the probable loss of a pet?,,general_qa 42,"BTW: I wasn't sure if I should be putting this in the ""New to Stoicism"" or in ""Seeking Stoic Advice"" - I've only been interested in Stoicism as a means for dealing with my own circumstances for the past year or so. For some context: I struggle with the actual practicing of Stoicism, mostly due to having ADHD (mostly the Inattentive type). Despite trying to work on it, I can often find the impulsive nature of my mind engages way too quickly. If I'm in a 'hyperfocused' state regarding Stoicism, I can manage that a little better - but the effort it seems to take mentally is exhausting. So: I don't think I've seen this discussed - but how much time and effort is spent mentally going over the practice of being Stoic? I am aware in CBT there are often things like half-hour daily exercises, but these are really more transformative things that are designed to work over longer periods. To me, Stoicism is more a 'way of life' kind of philosophy and thinking - reacting to and interpreting situations and circumstances constantly. That constant examination and practice seems exhausting to me. I'm the kind of person who can become mentally exhausted after doing a client meeting, or having a slightly busier day, or just one of those days where my brain decides to inner monologue about anything and everything constantly. Add to that all the little rules I have to follow otherwise I'll lose things, forget things and generally mess my day up horribly. I often have to force myself to mono-task and try to keep focus even doing a simple thing like making a cup of tea or a sandwich. This is all compounded by my seeing this quote of Epictetus: ""Don't explain your philosophy. Embody it."" when I've been searching for some kind of guidance. To me, to embody something is to take it on completely, utterly - it becomes ***everything***. I guess alternatively - what is a good balance of applying Stoic principles in your mind over just letting things flow naturally to see how well the practices are taking hold? (In my life, and mind, if I'm not actively thinking about a process, then that process can very much not exist at all. So coming into a situation where I *could* practice a Stoic principle, I'll forget that I can and instead do something else, and on reflection, something worse.) I hope this makes sense, it's really hard for me to put down into words exactly what I'm trying to get across (and I'm sure I've probably missed some obvious point I should have made lol).","When you first learn to drive, you have to think about it constantly every time you're in control of a car. Even after you pass your test, you constantly remind yourself ""ok now I take the handbrake off, remember to signal, check the mirrors..."" But after a while driving becomes automatic, and you can listen to music or talk to a friend without making errors in your driving, because you've internalised what you need to do and no longer need to consciously think about it to the same extent. I think changing your mindset to a new philosophy or structure is like that. Initially it takes up TONS of time and energy (like you, I have limited spoons), but after a while it becomes more automatic to question your impressions, withhold assent until the reality is clear, govern your desires and so on. I do recommend that people don't try to implement Stoicism until they have a reasonable grasp of the basic theories. You can waste a lot of energy going off in the wrong direction which would be better used getting a solid grounding in the principles.",How much mental energy or thought process does practicing Stoicism take up?,,general_qa 43,"I'm going to be giving birth in a few weeks. What advice does Stoic philosophy have for me? Has anyone on here faced this experience and found Stoic perspectives helpful? I plan to use pain medication in combination with other coping techniques - I find it most helpful personally to think of childbirth as lying along the spectrum of human experience that we can bring the resources of humanity (modern medicine!) to bear against, rather than a primal/natural event that my body will handle in a way separate from other parts of my life. (Dying is also part of the human experience, and people with a choice in the matter rarely form a goal of ""getting through it without unnatural interventions."") But I also understand that people feel many ways about this topic, and have a great admiration for people who pursue an unmedicated delivery - please don't make this post into a war about which of these approaches is ""more Stoic."" Even though I expect to get an epidural, the education and medical advice I've gotten are consistent in recommending to delay epidurals until fairly late in the game (or at least it seems late to me) to avoid slowing labor. Epidurals can also fail or turn out to be unavailable for a variety of reasons. So I know I'm in for ??? hours of steadily increasing discomfort and pain, in an altered mental and hormonal state I haven't experienced before. I also have never had my pain tolerance tested to an extreme degree, and know that pain tolerance and the experience of what labor feels like varies hugely. I vacilate between using voluntary discomfort as opportunities to practice not-suffering, and trying not to borrow worry/suffering from the future by going too nuts with it. I hold a lot of ice cubes and long yoga poses, and have access to good resources for specific mental management techniques for handling contractions. Stoic perspectives have been very helpful to me during pregnancy, both for pregnancy symptoms (treatable and untreatable) and for thinking about upcoming labor. There is a lot I can't control both about things that are inevitable (pain) and things that are unknowable (what complications arise, if I have back labor or require other medical interventions, if my epidural fails) - and it's very freeing to realize this means that me ruminating about it won't change anything. I don't have a significant formal background in stoic philosophy, so I'd be grateful for both your own impressions as well as specific topics, concept names, or readings that might be relevant. I am interested in any male or female perspectives on this question, so long as they don't amount to ""women just have some kind of special sauce for going through childbirth and they forget it afterward!"" (This question is inspired by the ""voluntary discomfort"" post, and a look through the archives suggests there's only been a few posts on this topic ever. This is my 'pregnancy' reddit account and I'm a regular reader of r/Stoicism on my main account.)","If you trust your obstetrician, lean on their advice for timing, dosage, etc. They do this every day. If they are dedicated to the virtue of quality care, their advice is valuable, based on experience, and better than any you are likely to find on the internet. When my wife delivered, the epidural was helpful and well timed. Epictetus cautions us to wipe our noses when we need to and not waste our time deliberating the why or the injustice of our condition. I am not equating delivery with a nose cold. I am merely saying that your time now might be better spent practicing Lamaze breathing than worrying about things that there are caring experts for. Stay hydrated. Eat well. Ask questions of the facility or team that will be assisting you in your delivery. If you are a Stoic sage, perhaps you will be able to avoid the foul language my wife used during contractions. Maybe you can even avoid digging your fingernails all the way to the bones in your partner's hand.",Stoicism for giving birth,,general_qa 44,"**I prefer X. But X is absent in reality. Y is present. This makes me sad/disappointed/frustrated, etc. What is stoic advice or way of thinking?** For example: * I want the weather to be sunny. But it is cloudy. And it makes me sad. * I prefer people to be happy. But then I go out and few seem to be happy at least when I see them. It makes me disappointed. * I prefer people to be really connected to each other, face to face. I prefer genuine and honest communication. But I see a lot of people on their phone. Not talking to each other in the cafe. * I love people to be thoughtful, wise and have a certain depth in their thinking. But then I see many people who totally lack such characteristics. Result: Despair. * I prefer my life to be a series of successes. But it is not. It is a mixed baggage of success and failure. I feel unhappy.","Stoicism includes, in a large part, the managing of our expectations with reality. You can prefer things such as a sunny day, but to set your expectation on it being sunny will lead to disappointments because none of us can control the the weather. What you are describing, in every instance, are what are called false impressions. You are pivoting your state on an outcome. That in essence, makes you subordinate to things which are not up to you. Stoicism is about working to identify this process within you and then using virtue/excellence/right reasoning on all things, which in turn leads you to avoid this trap. So the real question here is simply: Are you willing to let go of your false reasoning in order to improve your perceived level of happiness?",When my preferences and reality part ways....,,general_qa 45,"We broke up with my partner 2 months ago after 5 years of being together, and my life has been a living hell since then. I lost my job, had to move back in with my parents, I have no friends, everyone in my family is completely unavailable emotionally so I can't turn to anyone for emotional support and the therapist I've been seeing isn't much help either. (she's a great person and she's helped me with other things but I just don't feel like it helps much with this) Meanwhile she started seeing someone else less than a week after we broke up, and she seems very happy without me in her life. I keep having intrusive thoughts imagining of her enjoying life with her current partner, doing things we used to do together, having sex, etc. I rediscovered stoicism recently and tried to apply some stoic principles to my situation. I understand that my feelings of jealousy and betrayal come from a misunderstanding of reality. I don't own or control this person, she is free to do whatever she wants and I should not base my happiness/life on her presence in my life. But I just can't change how I feel. I also can't treat this like a learning opportunity, or to become a better person, because I don't want that. I don't look forward to anything in life, I just want to escape, I just want it to stop. Reason I'm making this post is becaue I have nowhere else to turn and I'm hoping people here may have some advice for me.","In terms of stoicism you really have to adopt the ""it is what it is"" mentality. I know it's hard especially after a 5 year relationship. I've been there twice with long relationships myself. But I'm reality she has this relationship lined up probably for some time and that's why it was so easy for her to go to someone else. In the meantime you have to recalibrate your purpose beyond this relationship and focus on you and what you want for your life. I can completely relate to your situation because I'm in a similar predicament currently, but without focus towards something greater beyond this woman you will constantly have her in your head and you won't be able to function or persevere forward. As Seneca said, ""A gem cannot be polished without friction, nor a man without trials."" Let this be your trial to be stronger for yourself in the future and really carve your character with this trial as if it were a chisel and you the marble. Also this woman you believe to be special isn't that special. She is special to you in your head. There a 8 billion people in the world and half of em are chicks. There will be another in time as long as you make yourself better in the process of what you are going through. And maybe one day when her current relationship falls through or things don't work out for her you'll be the person on her mind and she'll realize she fucked up, and you'll be worlds apart from her in terms of improvement and happiness. You got this my friend.",I have no idea how to handle my breakup.,,general_qa 46,"Hello everyone, i'm relatively new to stoicism although I have been looking into stoic views for some time now. I am having trouble trying to decide the best course of action for my own mental and for my sports team regarding forgiveness of a teamate. A player on this sports team that I will call Jake brings down the entire team. Not just in a bad attitude towards the game way but in an instigator with his own teammates way. Jake and I were previously pretty close friends even spending some time together outside of our sport. Until Jake started being such a douche that I called him out for it. If you can't tell yet, Jake isn't the type of guy to appreciate being called out in front of his peers. We butted heads for many months but never let it affect us on the field. Recently it had gotten much worse as jake said cruel things to my face, gotten physical with me and my belongings/equipment, and tried to convince teamates I didn't belong on the team. Now I am a pretty level headed guy, I didn't let this affect me as I felt sorry for him because he is obviously lacking in some department to have to go after someone like this. What I refused to let happen was my image with others be tampered and for Jake to affect the chemistry of the team where it affects us in game play. During this period I looked at stoicism for guidance and I think I did the right thing. Not once did I raise my voice at Jake, lay my hands on jake, or even talk badly about jake to others. I reasoned that Jake is feeling a certain way and needs to take it out on others. Now I will skip some time and get to the part where i need advice. Jake came up to me personally and grabbed my hand shaking it and said ""i'm sorry for being such a bad teammate, im working on it"" I didn't say ""It's okay"" as being a bad teammate is not okay but i thanked him for his apology. My question is, in stoic principle should I be accepting Jake back into my life as a friend?",I don't view it as forgiveness so much as accepting that they are who they are and not letting their actions into my life.,Should I forgive no matter what?,,general_qa 47,"I'm pretty new to stoicism and I'd like to know what advice stoics have for someone who is really constantly comparing themselves to others. I'm really bad with this and I make everything about myself. If a friend gets a promotion I think ""why not me?"" or they get into a relationship I think ""why not me?"". I feel like nothing good happens to me and I want to learn to focus on myself and improve my life instead of thinking so much about other people's lives and what they're doing.","Consider that it makes no sense to envy someone who you do not know is happy. And consider that you can never know whether someone else is happy. Therefore, envy never makes sense.",How can I stop comparing myself to others?,,general_qa 48,"I am working a job I completely detest. I don't like it at all, and even though I am completing work to the rubrics I've been given, they'll find problems with other things. I was sick a few days and came back with a note from my doctor and that still landed me in a review for my position. At this point I am convinced that if I stay, I'll be fired for the first time in my life. Only issue is insurance. I'm 26 and need the insurance from this job. But every ounce of my soul is saying this job isn't my purpose. I at the same time don't want to leave my girlfriend insuranceless. My stoic reason is telling me quit and have courage and temperance with whatever comes in pursuit of finding a job within my nature. My mom is telling me don't quit lol. Any advice?","I think the answer you are looking for is already in your post. You don't need someone else to tell you what you already know. Either change your situation or accept your situation, there is no other option.",Looking for advice from some elder stoics,,general_qa 49,"Hi, I'm male, 21 years old and I'm wondering if guys know any good stoic quotes and advice for me?","My Stoic advice to young people is to learn about Stoicism. That means reading books like The Practicing Stoic and if Stoicism seems like it makes sense to you, then move on to the classic works of Epictetus, Seneca and Marcus Aurelius. Quotes taken out of context tend to do more harm than good. People get confused and go off on tangents, because they haven't taken the trouble to learn the basic principles. This is how you get absurd nonsense like ""stoicism will make you rich"" or ""stoicism will help you get laid!"" If you want the benefits of the philosophy, you have to put the study in. That's the only way it can really work.",What Stoic advice do you have for people in their 20s?,,general_qa 50,"I got into practicing stoicism two years ago, when I was 16. This month I reflected on the past year and concluded it a failure, though the wisdom and experience I gained is potentially more valuable at the moment than my lost goals. Currently I'm building more discipline in order to be more able to execute the actions I need in order to improve next year. My dissatisfaction primarily stems from wasted academic potential in the past year, procrastinating on my fitness goals, and picking up smoking. I know what to do to get better, yet I'd appreciate reading some motivational words or advice you'd give to your younger self if you were in a similar situation","Your year wasnt a failure. Dissatisfaction is a choice.",Looking for words of advice from fellow stoics,,general_qa 51,"I would like some advice, and I am hoping you Stoics have some food for thought on my problem: I went to grad school in a different country 10 years ago, and during those two years, I had a personal fallout with a person that affected me so strongly, that I started to develop a depression that would take me about 5 year to finally start getting out of. During my studies, I did not develop deep friendships, as I began to withdraw from people due to my mental state. I moved away after graduating, and moved to another country and capital city. There I struggled with my depression for 4 years and then moved back to my own country. Here in my own country, I started to get better and have with the help of psychology left my mental problems behind. My challenge is that I still feel a deep sadness for what I lost during those 5 years of depression - no university friendships, not even strong friendships in the capital city that I lived in for 4 years (as I was coping with my condition and couldn't get close to people) - and now, in my mid 30s, see that most people my age have their great university friends and friends from living abroad - and feel that I am constantly being confronted with my ""wound"". I guess I regret that what happened happened, and I wish things had been different. What can I do? I even find myself meeting people who studied at my grad school (not at the same time, but it's a famous school) and I feel deeply sad and also a bit shameful when we have to ""share"" experiences and they tell me about all their great times and now life-long friends. I thought about starting a new grad school experience, but since most people would be in their 20s, I have a gut feeling that it would not make good what happened back then... I guess that I am longing for going back to that time and relive it again, this time changning it, but because I am older now, that is not possible for me. I guess I am often in a mental frame of ""if only it had been different"". Any thoughts?","The past no longer exists, and neither does the future, the only time you have is the present moment, and the only thing you can really go do in this moment is go out and try and make friends. Forget whatever happened in the past. It is also a mistake to think that just because someone has numerous friends that they somehow must automatically be happy, i think you are looking for happiness in some place external to yourself in this case in friendships but that isn't where it truly lies, you should have an idea where it actually lies, that is in yourself.",What to do with the regret and sadness of what happened in the past?,,general_qa 52,"I experience impulsive reactions sometimes, and sometimes I catch them and sometimes I don't. I usually apologise for them, but I also try to learn from them. It's very difficult to find clarity and it feels like my mind is narrow whenever I face heavy emotions, I started meditating 30 minutes a day and it already does help a bit, but I could use some stoic advice to help me create the awareness and space I need to act accordingly with the cardinal virtues and principles of stoicism.",Keep practising. Stoicism isn't a quick fix. The more baggage you carry when you start the longer it will take to unload.,How can i be consistent with my reactions and my beliefs?,,general_qa 53,"Hi guys, I'm 24 living in the UK and have been in a job for 6 years which isn't that well paid but the company is really good and the people I work with are nice. I would say I've been in a comfort zone for ages now so from last year I have been looking for a new job, starting the gym going 6 times a week, feeling a lot better in myself and have been upskilling myself by doing courses outside of work ect. However recently I've had a knee operation and I feel like I'm back to square one. The main reason for this post is there's so many different paths I could go down, how do I know I'm taking the right one to find my destiny/full potential? 1. Part of me thinks I could go to Uni (I didn't go to begin with because I didn't know what I wanted to do and I still don't so I feel like it could be a waste of money) 2. Keep trying to find a new job- one that could solidify me into my 30s, so that I can afford to move out and eventually have a family. 3. Go travelling (people say you learn a lot and I agree but I don't know how this will help me find a job in the long term) All I want in life is to find peace, retire my parents, become the best version of myself but I genuinely don't know what I want to do and feel a bit lost. It's such a shame because I'm so flexible right now I would go anywhere in the world and start a job if it meant a great opportunity. Any advice would be great, it's annoying because I know I'll smash it once I get a good mentor or find the right company to move up in the world. I try to remain as stoic as possible as I think it's a real test for yourself but recently I feel lost.","Just my opinion but if you are in a job where the company is good and the people are nice you should consider whether you really want to leave even if the pay isn't that great. IMO money isn't everything, i have had jobs where i was better off financially but i felt my life was worse. I don't think there is a ''destiny'' your life is meant to lived in the here and now, I forgot which one of his letters it was but Seneca went on about how even some men in their old age were still desiring and planning on how to become senators or knights. If you are content with the comfort zone you are in now, i don't really see what the problem is, i think it's better to be happy with what we have now not what we think we should have in the future.",How do I find my destiny?,,general_qa 54,"Is there any stoic or non-stoic advice for me? about 5 months ago my ex broke up with me. I started studying stoicism and other schools of philosophy to improve myself and that helped. I am doing so much better than I was doing when the break up happened. But a couple of days ago she reached out to ask me to come pick up an old hoodie of mine. I told her she could throw it away but she refused so I agreed to come. During the time she chose to meet I had a job meeting which I couldn't skip so she said ""I'll come after my treatment"". Then I asked about the treatment and she told me she has stage 2 cancer. Since then I have been feeling tired and sad all the time. I feel helpless and scared and I want to be there for her but I don't know how or if she even wants me to be there for her. I told her that even though we broke up that doesn't mean we can't be friends and told her that I am here for her and she said ""idm being friends"". This removed my doubts that she contacted me as a ""call for help"". She doesn't care but I still do and I am scared that I would lose her without being able to spend more time with her. This situation brought back a lot of feelings that I thought were long gone. I feel like I still love her and care for her although she really messed me up in the past. I know I shouldn't focus on things I can't control but I feel like shit because of this and don't know how to stop thinking about it. Thank you.","I'm new to this sub and while I'm not being too focused on too many things this sub provides. I can totally say that you won't waste a second of your life if you help person you once loved or still loves without getting anything in return. Everything in our life is lesson and you my friend have a lot to learn till we die. So do what hearts tells you to do and don't get too complicated about the choice you made. I guess pain, love, loneliness, anger are emotions we need in order to be a human .",Cancer and Breakup,,general_qa 55,"First of all, thank you for taking some of your time to read this and also; for any advice you can give me. A little bit of background: I have been dating my girlfriend for 7 years now, we have lived together for 4 of those years; and even moved to Spain for the last two years. Since we became a couple, I've known she has a lot of trouble dealing with her emotions, anything that could be considered a ""bad"" emotion she expresses as anger; a very explosive and destructive one at times. I have an anxious personality, so her mood swings really upset me; even though I try to stay calm and let her have some space to deal with her emotions. I took on Stoicism about a year ago, and it has really helped me deal with life: work, family, studies, and my relationship with her. I am trying my best to interiorize that there re things I cannot control, as in this case how she decides to react, and I can only control how I reply and act towards her anger. However, I feel like I am running out of energy to deal with this situation, things that are totally solvable make her rage, and my anxiety starts soaring. I just feel like I am on the verge of having an emotional breakdown myself. I some days find myself fighting with her inside my head since I wake up until we go to bed. I really love this woman and want to have a future with her; however, her unstable emotional intelligence really makes it hard. Every plan we have gets torn to pieces as soon as she gets mad. I have tried recommending a psychologist but apparently, she does not feel comfortable opening up to a stranger. I would love to hear your thoughts and advice, I am in much need of it. Happy Thanks Giving!","Sadly, Stoicism is a philosophy of fundamental re-examination. You've come here saying ""how can I stay in the same wretched relationship I've always been in, dating a woman I know is violent and angry, and somehow feel ok with it?"". The only answer from this philosophy is ""you can't - you are *choosing* to enter into a situation that fundamentally contradicts your need for a stable, supportive relationship. You have chosen to date a person in full knowledge that they believe in controlling you with fear"". Stoic philosophy is not about making yourself ill then trying to ""endure"" the symptoms - it is a philosophy of cutting cancers out at their source: >Whenever we do something wrong, then, from now on we will not blame anything except the opinion on which it's based; and we will try to root out wrong opinions with more determination than we remove tumours or infections from the body. > >Epictetus, Discourse 1:11 ""Concerning Family Affection"" (Penguin Classics) I don't know how you can have practiced Stoicism for a year without understanding this - I'd guess you've been on the ""Ryan Holiday"" rather than ""Epictetus"" side of the philosophy. All I can say is that the *actual* philosophy holds no answers for a person not yet prepared to do the hard work, and in your case that is the work of refusing to date people who control you with violence. The opinion that you should date such people is the cancer in your life, and until you cut that cancer out you are doomed to feel its progressively worsening symptoms.",Seeking Stoic Advice - Dealing with a partner with anger issues and swift mood changes.,,general_qa 56,"I have an annoying habit of reading the news, not just normal headlines, but also diving into regional news of various countries and also global climate news, it often depresses me and makes me anxious, hence why I've been looking into stoicism, I'm buying meditations and Massimo Pigliucci's handbook for new stoics, but I was wondering what advice you'd have for someone like me, or some exercises to keep my mind within a more reasonable scope. Something that drew me to stoicism is when I heard it advises followers to worry only about things within ones control, which is something I sorely need to learn, I'm aware that outside of voting, there is little I can do for issues such as the climate, and for problems in other countries, there isn't anything I can do, so I know I shouldn't worry, but I feel almost addicted to depressing news.","one stoic value is cosmopolitanism. we are members of the world, and are eager to improve the world. ""not being informed"" is not really a stoic virtue. wisdom requires information to act on. it's not the news that makes you depressed and anxious, but your reaction to it. work on that. everything from your very body, out, is an external over which you have limited, if any, control. keep that in mind. you say the middle east is an area that concerns you less because of your knowledge of the history there. i think this is a point worth exploring. your wisdom (applied knowledge) allows you to maintain your equanimity when considering the (objectively brutal) suffering going on there. it's not the news being good (quite the contrary), but your interpretation of it, that allows this.",Advice for someone overly aware of worldly issues.,,general_qa 57,"Hi I'm not sure if this is the right place to put this but anyways. I've always been quite stoic and logical thinker and now I've just crumbled. I have worked hard to get into a masters program through years of study and hard work and now that I'm here I've just crumbled. I'm going through what I presume is depressive episodes unable to get out of bed and constantly suffering from what I also believe is mental burnout. As I've said I worked so hard to be here and now with all this I don't know if I can stick at it as I'm losing my passion for the career due to how I'm feeling. I dunno what to do I feel so lost if life and feel like I'll never amount to anything in life. Im just so frustrated with myself cause I've worked so hard to be here and now my mind has let me down, just feeling sorry for myself more than anything but I'm so disappointed as I think I'll have to defer for the year due to my mental health problems. Has anyone got any advice for a 24/M","If your university enrollment has an attached health insurance plan, use it to get a psychological evaluation. You are paying for it, to not utilize that type of benefit is unwise, unjust (to yourself) and not courageous. It would be an immoderate waste of your efforts up to now to not find out what a councilor or psychiatrist has to say. I have two good friends who failed to complete their degrees due to episodes of depression. They have a difficult time escaping regret and ruminating about what could have been. At a root level, your judgments about your situation or plan are causing you cognitive dissonance. Resolution of the conflicts in your assents is the ultimate solution, but that is unhelpful if you are alone and paralyzed by indecision. Get some counseling and/or try pharmaceutical intervention. You can also try asking your university for a differed enrollment or medical leave so that you can return to your studies at a later time. The first step is asking about the availability of counseling at your institution. Use the benefits available to you.",Feel like a failure,,general_qa 58,"this is rather embarrassing, so please bear with me. thank you for choosing to read this. since my childhood, I've been keen to listening to music and daydreaming. i am 19 right now and I am still doing this to excessive levels to this day. it has reached to a point where i now have the urge to listen to music when I feel provoked, which is why I consider it an addiction on my part, since i have been doing it for years now and have difficulty stopping my urges. i have an important exam that i need to study next year and I'm taking a gap year, yet i waste so much precious time just indulging myself in this. i remember back then when my months once felt like days at the beginning of this year, because i had some other problems and dived into my addiction more. i don't want it to happen next year again. i have tried to stop it, at least 20 tries. and yet i fail each time, just going back to it after at least a few days. my longest win was when I threw away my earphones. i lasted for a couple of weeks and bought a new one again. i have been reading about stoicism since this summer, and feel as if it really could help me overcome this. yet i do not know how to overcome the fear of failing miserably again. I've been a coward my entire life, being afraid of measly things, and i want to stop it; and if i stop this, i will take a really big step forward, and i will be better at being a stoic. the popular videos and advices on the internet appear insincere and I feel i cannot relate to them, therefore I've come to look for people who have dealt with similar problems, or have overcome addictions with how the Stoicism changed their perspectives. if you have any sort of advices you could give me, or wisdom you would love to share, i will gladly listen to you. thank you for reading. have a nice day. EDIT: i have edited this post. after seeing the FAQ as well, asking for a direct advice as to solve addictions ""solely"" was a mistake. a philosophy should not be used solely to solve one single problem. this was not what I was trying to achieve, so let me rephrase myself. i have been trying to apply stoicism in my life. i really have, especially after looking after a sick bedridden grandmother for over a year. hard times push you to change some of the rewirings in your thinking. so please see this OP not as one that asks their problem to be solved, but perhaps one that looks for encouragement to overcome their fear of failure, or rather one that needs a stoic perspective to enlighten the situation better. people who have had similar problems are very welcome to share their situations with me as well. i just need coaching, i suppose. thank you for understanding.","I understand that you don't want a solution friend, but it sounds like ""maladaptive daydreaming"" to me. Especially if its to the point where you can't get everyday necessities done, i.e. studying for your test. HOWEVER, listening to music and daydreaming are two morally neutral things unless you think it's gotten out of control-like a compulsion. Much of the Stoic philosophy involves changing the things you have control over: I think it would be beneficial to seek out counseling for maybe substituting the day dreaming with some better coping skills for when you get stressed. KEEP IN MIND that listening to music when stressed and daydreaming are two very useful and healthy to have in your arsenal and they should be utilized! I would only worry if you feel like your usage is hindering progress rather than helping you cope along the way as you progress. Best of luck! Love and good vibes!",I've been fighting a childhood addiction and failing miserably,,general_qa 59,"So basically theres this girl whom I have a massive crush on and got a lot in common but unfortunately i found out that shes in a 4 year serious relationship.And Since I found that out its been hurting like hell to the point I feel it has interferred in my day to day activities where sometimes I dont feel like eating or getting out of bed which ultimately results in my health declining obviously. Would the ruling of letting go of things we cant control apply to this situation?Naturally as a young man I feel jealousy and Envy even though I know its wrong.. It sucks cause the guy shes with is a great man,I have no shame admitting hes a better man than me,He has his life and priorities sorted out,Hes excellent with his family and deals with them diplomatically and just an outgoing social person,pretty much a good guy where as me Its the opposite in terms of having my stuff sorted out and priorities.. I know its wrong but I get thoughts of hoping and wishing that they break up even though there pretty much married tbh not officially but close...But i know thats wrong cause I will wait my whole life wishing for something that will never happen. Or should I be straightforward and go and ask her out or at least tell her and risk it?Ive had crushed before but not like this were I know were compatible It sucks cause If our time was right,Had i just met her before tbh.....I know ill never get her but im this dilemma where it hurts.. How should I approach this in a stoic manner where I can try to move on or carry on my day to day activities..Any advice is greatly appreciated and Dont worry be honest as possible.. I Hope this query is suitable for this subreddit if not I apologize sincerely.. Peace and Bless you all",">Or should I be straightforward and go and ask her out or at least tell her and risk it? Wait, you want to ask out a woman who already has a partner? Your problem is that you believe relationships create happiness - only believing this could cause you to think ""deceitfully approaching another man's woman is worthwhile - because if she says yes I'll gain happiness, if she says no I'll have lost nothing"". A person who understood what actually makes a person happy would say ""becoming a vile snake of a person who tries to undermine other people's relationships is what would cause me to be unhappy - if I could put my hand on my heart and say I'd never do that, then it is that sense of being a pro-social person that would make me happy, and if the cost of being able to say that was being single then I'd rejoice at being single"". Let's say she said ""yes"" and traded her current boyfriend for you - given that you stole her from him, do you really imagine you'd now live in a state of happiness and security? You *know* she was prepared to immediately abandon one boyfriend or another, you don't think that would be the thing are the forefront of your mind the entire time you dated her? No, you don't think that - in your mind, relationships cause people to be happy. Somehow, a woman saying she's ""your girlfriend"" creates happiness, even if that woman just abandoned her previous boyfriend. None of this is an answer - these are all simply the kinds of thoughts you need to explore in order to comprehend happiness and the role relationships play in it (which is none). Your current theory on that is the source of all of your pain, and it's why you're honestly thinking that disgracing yourself might be worthwhile.","Whats the stoic way of dealing with a love interest/Crush that one is not destined for,Or right person at the wrong time?",,general_qa 60,"hi! my friend recently began to be a Stoic. I don't really know how Stoicism works so I bought a copy of Meditations and I'm trying to get through it so I understand his philosophies. he's a very anxious person with a lot of stuff in his past, so it makes sense he's drawn to this. I'm not very far into the book, but it's pretty good, and I'm glad he's reading stuff like it. I want to help support him in a Stoic way. sometimes when I try to give him advice, he says it isn't ""Stoic enough"" for him, however I'm worried about him. sometimes I tell him to process what he's feeling or take a break to rest and he won't because it ""doesn't follow the logos"". he's wound up like a racehorse 24/7 and I feel like if I don't help him he might get worse. I want to be there for him and support his mental health the way he needs me to. it's a little extra difficult to give him advice when he asks, as I'm a girl and he's a guy, and he seems to be suffering in silence otherwise (his friends say it's just him being him and to leave him alone but I think he's genuinely suffering). sometimes he leaves the room with his head in his hands and he comes back all shaken up. it scares me. I want him to get better and this seems to be the place to go for advice. TL;DR: any tips on how to calm down an extremely anxious, jittery friend using Stoic philosophy? edit: thanks so much for the support! I've responded to as many comments as I can but y'all have so many amazing contributions. much appreciated! I also realized it sounds like I might be forcing advice on him. This has only happened a few times, and only when he asks for advice. the head in hands and stuff is all a long term thing, asking for advice is much more sporadic. sorry for the confusion! :)",Tell him the difference between [lowercase stoicism and uppercase Stoicism ](https://archive.fo/ESWHY),"help advising a Stoic friend who rejects ""emotional"" advice?",,general_qa 61,"Note: If you have time you can read this. Thank you. I may not know each and every one of you but I would appreciate some of your advice. I'm a 19-year-old college freshman, and I've been infatuated with this girl in my class. In the first few weeks, I never really developed a crush on her since my perception of her lacked emphasis, aside from the fact that I found her very pretty. As time goes from those first few weeks I've noticed that she's doing well with her test scores. I'm kinda impressed by it. But my attraction didn't end there and it's slowly turning into a weird infatuation. My infatuation is gradually turning wayward when I'm starting to see myself on her. She's kinda like me on the outside, she never surrounds herself with some of our classmates (like me most of the time), and she just sits there waiting for class to start. She studies a lot with her iPad and I kinda like her ""Not giving a ef"" vibe when she's sitting. She never talks to our classmates except when she needs to. Btw Just to let you guys know, I'm a shy person and I rarely approach someone except when I need to. I also sit by myself and do some of my stuff by myself inside and outside of school most of the time. This emotion is starting to get worse and it sucks so bad. I've tried my best to get over this BS and it's hard. Some of my friends and cousins are telling me to just go and talk to her, but I think they don't understand. I'm tense when thinking of approaching her since I don't even have something important to say or ask. So I've decided to just let it slide and tried my best to avoid being distracted, but man it so daunting. I fear that this external attachment will slowly exacerbate me not to mention there are so many things I don't know about this girl. I'm not sexually obsessed or attracted and all, I'm just preoccupied. I am aware that my perception of her is one-sided. I only see her from her beauty and intelligence but lack the awareness of her values and background. But I'm still being pulled off by this attraction. My questions: - What's your stoic take/approach to this kind of situation? - How do you deal with strong platonic infatuation? - What do I need to improve in this situation? It's okay to answer one question. I'd still appreciate that. Thank you for reading guys. I'd appreciate your advice if you have time. Stay safe!","I don't think there's one stoic philosopher that wrote about asking a girl out. I think you're overthinking this. If you want to get some answers: talk to her, get to know her, ask her out if you think there's a mutual interest. If you want to dwell on your thoughts: don't ask her out.",I wanna get over this girl but I always get diverted,,general_qa 62,"Hello everyone, I need some Stoic advice on how to deal with friendship, unrequited love, and impending loss. I apologize; I am somewhat of a lapsed Stoic, as I've been out of practice for a while now. I can see where my mistakes are, but I need advice and resources on how best to correct them. Here's the story. I met a guy; we're both in college, and we quickly became friends over the last year. Slowly, I began having romantic feelings for him, culminating in me asking him out. He kindly refused and said he would rather stay friends, which I accepted, hoping my heart would follow suit. We stayed close friends, but I noticed I'd become far too attached to him. I tend to get a bit anxious when we don't talk/see each other for a while, for example. I think this is most likely because I still have feelings for him (I wish I could just flip a switch and no longer feel love). I recently realized that once we graduate, we will most likely not see much of each other, if ever again, which fills me with dread. Clearly, I've become too emotionally attached. Therein lies the question: How can I emotionally distance myself from someone without ruining a friendship? In essence, how to make someone a preferred indifferent. The majority of answers I find online are to abandon the friendship and move on, but I value him as a person beyond a mere imagined romantic partner, or at least I hope I do. I am sorry this is a somewhat complicated problem dealing with attachment, love, friendship, loss, etc., but I suppose that is the human condition. Any advice or sources of wisdom for a struggling Stoic would be greatly appreciated.",">He kindly refused and said he would rather stay friends, which I accepted, hoping my heart would follow suit. We stayed close friends, but I noticed I'd become far too attached to him. No, you're not close friends - friendship is a state defined by two people having the exact same view of a relationship as one another, and being content with that view. You never stopped wanting to date him - in fact, the anxiety and ""closeness"" means that all you did was start trying to have a relationship without the relationship ""status"". You and him aren't friends because neither of you agree on the type of relationship you're having, and neither of you are content with what you have. >Therein lies the question: How can I emotionally distance myself from someone without ruining a friendship? You don't have a friendship. You are trying to conducting a secret relationship. There is no way to separate your decision to do that from the constant disappointment you feel when his ""friendship"" model of your relationship fails to match your ""relationship"" model. If you said to him ""look, I've not been conducting a friendship - really, I wouldn't want this if I didn't have romantic feelings for you"" nothing would be ""ruined"". The friendship would be over, but he wouldn't hate you and would likely be brimming with respect for you. So it's not about ""ruining"" a friendship, you're asking ""how can I choose to conduct a secret relationship with this person and not feel any of the disappointment and heartbreak this involves?"" The answer is ""you can't - it's impossible"". It's like asking ""how can I binge drink alcohol without a hangover?"" - it's not possible to take an unhealthy course of action yet somehow be liberated from the causal negative impact of it. For as long as you conduct this secret relationship, the price to be paid is disappointment and heartbreak. These are not bugs they're features - your social instincts evolved to warn you when you were conducting fundamentally unhealthy relationships and your body is screaming at you that you are. The only reason why you have a chance of finding a *good* relationship is because you feel disappointment, shame and misery in a bad one.","Stoic advice for friendship, unrequited love, and loss?",,general_qa 63,"It's very late where I live and I have a bit of a headache, but I'm going to try writing this in the best way I can. I used to have a close friend group who I had been friends with for around eight months. We mainly talked online with group chats and whatnot since I'm homeschooled now. Socializing naturally is something that's very difficult for me, especially online, so I had a hard time feeling like I really ""fit in."" Long story short, one of these friends had introduced a new person to the friend group. It was an biased reaction, I think, but I had instantly gotten that ""bad vibe"" from them. Logically, I don't think they're a bad person, but it was clear that they didn't like me for one reason or another. They'd take my place in conversations, and had copied some of my ideas as well, as the main examples I noticed. They had made the whole ""not fitting in"" thing even more problematic in my head, and I nearly had a mental ""spiral"" (for lack of a better word) over it. Around a week ago, I had left that group chat and distanced myself from most of them. Some of those friends have messaged me privately, but aside from that, it's just plain silence. I'm having troubles with fully moving on from this situation, however. I'm not worried about missing out, because that wouldn't make much sense to me. I also don't want to go back to that friend group. What I'm thinking more about is just that feeling of being replaced. My ""role"" had been taken so easily, and it makes me wonder how much I really matter to people, and how much they really care. This has happened multiple times before. My thought process is moreso cynical than it is Stoic, so I'd greatly appreciate some Stoic advice on how to move on from this.","Things end. We are not special. We all will die, everyone we've ever known will die, and eventually all of us will be forgotten. I am not trying to be bleak, but it is a reminder to let go of the menial. You will find new groups and eventually leave them too only to join others. People come in and out of our lives. It is how it all works. Focus on what you can do to live your best life today, in this very moment. That friend group was yesterday. Part of the past that cannot be changed.",Advice for getting over a friendship?,,general_qa 64,"(I'm unofficially adopted by my friends family, it's a long story - anyway) I know this dilemma is kinda weird but I could really use some advice. I think someone (I couldn't tell who) just made fun of how I was laughing to myself in my own room from another room. The only reason I realized they this was a joke at my expense was that I heard a loud ""SHHH"" right afterwards. Perhaps how I laugh to myself in the ""privacy"" of my own room is goofy af, but I still heard someone make fun of it loudly. How do I proceed? I'm not sure if I should be offended or embarrassed. My reasoning: I'm allowed to laugh to myself as I'm decompressing in my room (and I'm high so ofc I'm going to laugh a goofy ass laugh) as I process the funny things that occurred on campus today. On a side note, this is right after me commuting home from uni. I nailed my differential equations exam, and I reward myself with getting baked in my car sometimes. So I get high before I go inside because the smell of weed is taboo in this household. I think it's wrong for me to be high around my ""family"" because of the stigma their parents have associated with weed. It's just awkward cuz they used to be so strict on my friend when they can tell he's high (usually because he smells like weed, but he's smarter about it now), but don't say anything when I'm high, so naturally I'm just uncomfortable with being around them when I'm high. More so now that I just heard them making fun of my laugh. Furthermore, It's very unclear to me if being high around them is okay. I'm an independent 21 year old adult. I have a large degree of autonomy, and they support me to give me a better life. They have set very few ground rules (I assume) because how I life my life interferes/burdens them much less than other people in this household do. But today someone made fun me probably because I'm high, which they may or may not have known. Does it even make a difference if they knew? I have no clue. So like wtf do I do? What's the stoic approach to coping with certain members of your ""adopted"" family that can be mean and sometimes downright cruel? Just pretend like it never happened? Stop getting high when they might want to talk to me because they might make fun of me instead? I am so ethically challenged that I genuinely don't know the right course of action. Weed isn't generally a problem for me because I consume it in moderation and in solidarity. However even when go through the backdoor because it leads straight to my ""room"", i.e. a curtain partitioning what is now the family room/my room but what used to be a garage, the curtain doesn't block sound well. So then I feel ashamed that I couldn't say hi and that I couldn't participate in the quality family time can I hear them having. I can only imagine what they must be thinking when I get home, clearly i'm settling in, and didn't even greet them at all. There's are my options going forward as I see them now. Someone please alter this paradigm for me. Do I: -Greet them as normally as a high me can -Continue avoiding them when I'm high -Stop getting high before getting home (Not my preference but I could be persuaded I guess) If you have a more ethical solution please elaborate. And in case your wondering, no I cannot translate my laugh into text. I can't even remember what it sounds like because it's my ""nobody better be listening to me right now laugh""","Just to be clear: 1: this family don't approve of weed 2: they've split up part of their living space to accommodate you 3: you get stoned every evening in your car Of course you should stop getting stoned while you're living with this family. They're doing you a tremendous favour and they're not keen on drugs, so you should refrain while under their roof. The fact that no-one has directly challenged you about it is probably more due to their good manners than anything else. You have the obligation to be a good guest under Stoic ethics, as well as under general social norms. You are currently failing in this obligation which is why you're uncomfortable about the situation. You're also most likely hypersensitive and paranoid because you're taking in so much weed, because that's one of the effects it has. I'm absolutely astonished that you characterise these people as cruel when they're going so far out of their way to assist you. Time to take a sober, objective look at the situation.","How do you deal with people in your ""family"" making fun of you behind your back.",,general_qa 65,"I (31 f) work as a heavy duty equipment operator (793 cat) in a very remote mine in Northern Canada (in the arctic circle). We operate very large equipment in very extreme conditions. There is 1 fellow operater who challenges me frequently. Making false accusations about me to my superiors/coworkers, confronting me with vicious language, and not following operating procedures putting my safety directly at risk. Stoicism has helped me through this situation. I am not reacting emotionally, and I don't feel particularly good or bad about this person. I feel slightly grateful that they are giving me the opportunity to practice Virtue and I am proud they have not succeeded in making me act viciously in return. During my current rotation at work, multiple people have told me that this person is taking a combination of drugs while working that is absolutely not ok, and not supposed to be used while operating equipment. I have suspected drug use as there are very clear physical symptoms being displayed. Last week, I informed my foreman about this and he informed the superintendent, yet no action was taken. This person was then operating erratically, and came within inches of colliding with my haul truck while on an icy ramp, which very likely would have resulted in death. Last night's nightshift I made the choice to refuse work due to unsafe working conditions and sent emails to the appropriate management detailing the situation. From a Stoic position, I feel quite confident in my actions. Acting out of rational concern for safety rather than revenge. That being said, I do feel quite uneasy about whether or not management will respond appropriately and whether or not this person will respond to the accusation violently towards me, since it is only just that, accustations, at this point. I know I cannot control other people or situations, and fretting about it will just cause me distress, yet I can't help but be concerned about this. Looking for Stoic advice on how to calm my nerves about this dangerous situation and how to not let this consume my thoughts with what-if scenarios. Thank you","Doing the right thing can complicate your life. Doing the right thing is often not rewarded. Doing the right thing can make people angry with you. Doing the right thing is simply right. It is the path to being OK with yourself even when things are not OK in your environment. If management won't back you on serious safety issues, then you are better off moving on. None of this is easy or comfortable, but it is right.",Stoic advice for a complicated situation.,,general_qa 66,"I'm coming back to this subreddit because I've received some pretty life-changing advice here in the past and I'm dealing with some issues that I'd like to hear your thoughts on. I'm a very routine-oriented person, and I really depend on my routines to keep me moving through life in a decently successful manner. However, recently I've been giving myself ""passes"" when hardships pop up and skipping components of my routine. For example, if my sleep quality wasn't really good, I tell myself I can sleep through my alarm and skip the gym. If I had a particularly exhausting day at work, I tell myself it's fine to order in food instead of cooking and then I end up eating significantly unhealthier and more expensive food. My biggest issue is that I'm caring for a terminally ill cat, and if his symptoms flair up then almost all of my routine completely goes down the shitter because so much emotional energy is drained from me. What is the stoic perspective on balancing being kind to myself while also not allowing myself to take the ""easy way out""? What can I tell myself to convincingly stick with my routines in the face of hardship?","The best coping mechanism that I have is one that is attached to both sociology and neuropsychology. I simply think the following: If this thing X didn't require hardship and effort this very same thing will lose value and as a result, I wouldn't want to pursue it in the first case. The effort is what makes it valuable, and it is what makes others quit. What you truly want isn't the result but the ability to push through the effort, it was never supposed to be easy, smooth, and stress-free. Also, stress is literally what primes neuroplasticity in the brain. If you are never in discomfort, never in a stressful situation, your brain will never seek to evolve. The prefrontal cortex understands concepts, so every time you find effort, recognize it as literally what will get you to grow. Wanting things to be easy and smooth is a human desire that stems from not understanding the truth. If truly everything was easy, life would be pretty boring. No one really wants that.",Advice to help me continue my routine in the face of hardship?,,general_qa 67,"Hi folks, expat in his 30s living in Norway. Need advice on a few subjects as I'm unsure whether this is the life path for me - *no job *no social number /ID *living with partner and son I'm relentless in my pursuit for a happy, meaningful life, so I study, read, cook well, discuss the future, encourage and motivate my partner. I feel that we are drifting apart however. Increasingly I'm told off, told I am shit or not listening or useless. I feel that my life is stagnating here, I used to have solid work, that changed after moving to Norway due to regulation and law. So... I've been grinding, trying to figure out my place in society, staying as upbeat as I can whilst the government immigration office 'process' me it can take over 1 year. Both my son and partner are Norwegian citizens. I love them dearly, I've been trying my best to help my partner, motivate her to secure work etc. I follow principles that should help elevate our lifes, instead I'm becoming increasingly depressed. I suffer during winter, my mood swings are becoming more frequent, I have minor breakdowns. I'm constantly questioning whether my partner would be better off without me, she gets stressed with me on a daily basis now. I love my son very much, invest in him, we have a strong connection, I wish it was the same with my partner. Any healthy stoic advice to assist me process some of these thoughts, I really appreciate this group and the discussions, they have been invaluable. Have a great day :)","Hey , I don't have anything in particular to say, but I can understand how you feel , atleast partially, specially moving to a new country and not being able to get things done. Sorry brother. Btw, you think you can pick up a course in a local university and make a social life ?","Too many thoughts, I need to consolidate.",,general_qa 68,"My ex left me in January with very little context apart from ""not loving me for years"". A couple of weeks later I was informed and shown evidence that she had been having an affair for 3 months and had left me to continue this relationship. Around March I started a new relationship which has been nothing short of wonderful, my ex had some strong reactions to this and made life difficult for quite a while. While i wont go into detail my ex's behaviour was very traumatic for a few months. My best friend is married to my ex's best friend. They were appalled at her behaviour in both instances. They still communicated but would not shy their opinion when she had done wrong. Around mid year my ex asked if we could retry our relationship (we have kids) - bear in mind she was still with her affair partner. I had already put a lot of thought before starting with my current partner that I could never go back. I value loyalty and dedication in marriage too much. Since I turned this down our mutual friends have become very close to her. They have her and my kids over once a week (or more) and regularly catch up outside of that each week. I am struggling with the perception and feeling that I have become the outsider despite how our marriage ended and what my ex had done. I do catch up with my friend but not as often as my ex and very rarely with his partner involved. This year I've started my stoicism journey. I've read meditations and I'm currently working through the practising stoic. I'm well aware that my understanding of stoicism is not up to dealing with this situation, but I am still trying to consider the lessons and manage my judgements and emotions. However, I am finding the closeness of my friends to my ex difficult to interrogate and view logically. Im aware their relationship is outside my control. I see 2 options but im unsure how to proceed: 1. Learn to be unharmed by the relationship between them and focus on my efforts in my relationship with my friends. I have been trying this so far. 2. Step away or reduce my efforts in the relationship. This is not my preference but I'm not sure what choice I have if I am unable to manage my judgements of their relationship. In fact the more I view my judgements the more I think my judgements are fair. For example I don't believe the values of justice or moderation are evident in their relationship. Any advice, insight or relevant teachings would be greatly appreciated.","This is tough. I went through the same thing, minus the part where ex the cheated. All my friends, even my friend for 30 years gravitated towards her. I needed to accept what I can't change that and that's that, I wasn't friends with them any longer. Did I hold resentment? Yes, but I was happy to have the opportunity at some point to have it all. ""Life is banquet, take what is served to you but no more"" i am paraphrasing a quote that basically says don't chase after what isn't yours, or yours anymore but enjoy it while you have it. Regarding your first option, learning to be unharmed can be really just be changing your judgement on it. People change, people may not have been your friend to begin with but only with her. You can't change how they are, but doesn't mean you can't make the effort, but know when to cut your losses, is the suffering worth it?",Ex wife had an affair and mutual friends have gotten closer to her,,general_qa 69,I did so bad on my math final exam today and if I fail this exam it means that I will have to repeat this grade again and I don't want that... I'm already two years gap and I'm so scared what if I fail this exam and repeat the grade again and everyone will be so dissapointed in me.. my family expects a lot from me.. what do I do... I'm so sad rn.. pls give me stoic advices on how to be still happy and okay despite this all,You can learn something from this and use it as motivation so as to change your lifestyle to not get into similar situations again.,Did really bad on my final math exam today. Please give me stoic advices!,,general_qa 70,"Tonight I had a board meeting where one of the board members is delinquent in his HOA assessments, but expects the board to waive the late fees. This is the second time he's requested this when he consistently refuses to accord the same treatment to homeowners, and last time he threatened to sue the board he is sitting on if we didn't give him what he wants. According preferential treatment to board members would open us up to liability for disparate treatment. Two meetings ago, he admitted that he was late because his wife wouldn'tpay the bill. So, when I saw him requesting another waiver, it really made me mad, especially because (a) the delinquency is deliberate, and (b) he threatened the board last time. I failed to be stoic. Sigh. He started claiming that all the late fees were erroneous and I asked him why, then, he had said that his wife wouldn't pay because it seemed like he knew they were behind. Instead of saying something like ""I thought that was it, but . . ."" he said he never said that. He lied to me and a room full of people he said it too and basically gaslit me, acting like I'm just crazy making things up. The other board members didn't say anything, but I think after he left they would have agreed he'd said it and just didn't want to get into a big disagreement. Frustrating in its own right that they wouldn't back me up, so he thinks he's getting away with it. I tried to explain to him that it was the combination of him threatening to sue us before and then saying, basically, that they were deliberately not paying, that was upsetting me. So, he lied about that too and said he'd never threatened to sue. In that prior meeting, the manager told me he said he would sue us if we didnt waive the fees, so, I asked him point blank if he was threatening to sue the board and he confirmed. So, the thing got tabled tonight because the manager wants to review the file. I'd asked if the board wanted to take a vote and one of the other board members I can usually trust for common sense said he wasn't ready to vote on it. I think because he knows the guy is lying - that's just a guess based on how he is. I was really seething with anger and I don't like that. I want toe calm and dignified even if I'm angry. So, I need advice here. I'm usually calm. Almost lethally so when I'm mad. But it seems like lately I have a harder time with it and I didn't handle this well tonight because him lying to my face trying to make me look like an unhinged lunatic when he knows I know he's lying makes me feel helpless. Is there some sort of method or practice I can use to deal with this kind of behavior so that i can keep a stoic appearance? I'm not happy that I got mad. I told him ""so you can just say anything you want and, unless I'm recording it, you can just deny it all?"" His response was ""it's your word against mine,"" which was even more infuriating. Has anyone dealt with this, and do you have any advice for dealing with this type of thing?","A stoic ""appearance"" isn't going to help as much as an actually Stoic understanding of reality. This man doesn't want to pay. You already knew that. You already knew he will lie to avoid paying. You seem to care about this issue more than the other board members do, and your belief that they should feel the way you do leads to your frustration. If you've done much Stoic reading, you'll know that the task now is to examine your beliefs and understand which ones are in conflict with reality so that you can resolve them and move forward in a calm and reasoned way. Note - this isn't acting calm or appearing calm. It's actual calm, because you have correctly understood the situation and have made rational decisions about your next step.",Facing Lying Gaslighting Board Member,,general_qa 71,"**EDIT / Disclaimer:** I'm not looking for quotes or theoretical advice, but rather interested to know how you personally handle this kind of stuff and if you manage to stay truly stoic at all times. Misinformation and hate are peaking. The world is more divided than ever. People seem to be getting more stupid, although there is an abundance of knowledge available. Even the educated people are going crazy. We seem to be heading into a version of WW3. AI developments are leading us into an unknown we don't control. etc. I'm not a scholar of stoicism, but have been somewhat abiding by its principles. The more I spend time thinking about stuff the more desperate and nihilistic I become. Feels like the only way to stay sane is to move somewhere in the woods, buy some land and live there. How are you guys doing it?","It's called *practicing stoicism.* No one is truly Stoic all the time, even Marcus Aurelius. If you actually believe that, you're setting yourself up for failure, unachievable expectations, and eventual implosion. We're human not machines, with imperfect emotions and needs. Stoicism is a tool to keep you moving towards virtue, not a destination in and of itself. When you fail, get back up and practice some more.",How many of you manage to stay truly stoic during these times and how?,,general_qa 72,"18M here requesting stoic advice. So, I sit next to this really smart guy in class. He has the top grades, a leader of a student body and is a really hard worker. He is well loved by his peers and teachers. The thing is, I'm really competitive. I can't help but compare myself with him every chance I get. Whenever we have tests, I would always be thinking about what he was doing. Everything he does would feel so exaggerated and it gets on my nerves. I feel that I could've done so much better in those tests if I hadn't sat beside him. I think I'm being a loser honestly. Am I just jealous of what he has and what I don't have. I'm unsure of what I should do or think to focus better and feel better. Any help would be great. Thank you so much.","Your problem in the Stoic sense is that you are trying to pursue academic success in a way that is counter-productive to that goal. You compare yourself to this person because you've reasoned it will somehow motivate you into becoming more like him, but as you've seen, adopting this judgement instead causes you to become jealous and bitter towards him. You're currently inert, dedicating no time to putting in the work that would actually help you reach the same academic level as him. My advice for you would be to write down the reasons why you're jealous of him, and think of a plan to improve yourself in those same aspects. If you're jealous of his top grades, it could be that you allocate an hour a day to studying for your classes. If you're jealous because he is the leader of a student body, it would be that you make an observation of the qualities he was picked for, and work towards a similar position with them in mind. These are just a few examples. Reasoning through your thoughts in this way is called ""making good use of impressions"" in Stoicism and it will quickly place you into a productive and stable mindset instead of the bitter mentality you hold now.",Advice on focusing in class,,general_qa 73,"I am not familiar with stoicism, but I have read a lot of posts on this subreddit about failure and how to cope with failure. Since conventional talk therapy doesn't work for me, I am curious about how to use a stoic philosophical approach to learn to accept myself. I am a failure. I say this based on what I think is a rational evaluation of all my failures and successes (not that I have many of the latter). All I have ever done is fail at relationships, friendships, family, work, school, finance, sex, health, and every other human endeavor and aspiration. My therapist will call this a ""cognitive distortion,"" but to me, it is the opposite; a cognitive distortion would be thinking I am not a failure when I have failed at everything. I have excelled at or succeeded in no human activity, endeavor, or aspiration. Let's examine this: School: I have consistently failed in all academics. I managed to pass elementary and high school not because of academic merit but because it was believed to be in everyone's best interest that I move on (that's code for the school didn't want the dumb, ""retarded"", speech-impaired, self-harming, suicidal, occasionally institutionalized, autistic child no more). I used to fail myself on tests and assignments, writing ""failure"" or a 0 score on everything I handed in, in case the teacher felt the need to tell me how retarded I was. Later in life, I was too poor to afford college, and I failed vocational training twice, the worst student in the school (I was the only one who failed at all, much less twice). Work: I have never succeeded in holding down a job long-term and have no career. Most people in their 30s have careers, but I am stuck going from one bad job to the next. Friendships/Relationships/Family: I can't make friends, I have no family, and I am not attractive to anyone. I can attend MeetUps, go to clubs, and do everything I am supposed to, but inevitably, it won't work out. Even if they like me initially, they will learn more about me eventually, and that'll be the end of it. I can't hide all the unattractive, failure aspects of myself forever from someone. Health: I've struggled with eating disorders, IBS, weight, and drug problems for the last 5+ years. Now, for success: I self-published a book about international law on Amazon KDP. While I am proud I did this, people have yet to want to read it, not even people I know personally, and self-publishing on Amazon doesn't feel like a great success. Anyone can upload a Word document. After all this, to think I am not a failure strikes me as a cognitive distortion. I have never succeeded or done well at anything in my life. My whole life has been a series of traumas, setbacks, failures, and disappointments. ""Failure"" is supposed to make me stronger, teach me valuable lessons, or something like that, but I don't think that's true. As an example, the vocational training I did, where not only was I the only student to fail, I failed twice. I have tried to deduce the ""lesson"" or benefit I was supposed to gain from being the only failure for ten years, but I haven't found it. I can't find a benefit or lesson that would make being the only failure better for me than succeeding like all the other students. Similarly, I can't find the lesson or benefit in being the ""retarded"" kid my entire childhood and graduating from school not based on academic merit but on my ability to be a liability to a school administration. Neither do simple platitudes or basic self-help advice work. I can practice gratitude and be grateful for the positives in my life, but that changes nothing about the fundamental essence of who I am, which is failure. I can be a failure and still be grateful for things. I can also be a kind, compassionate, and empathetic failure, so focusing on my personal qualities doesn't help ease my failure-ness. Moreover, personal qualities cannot be quantifiably measured and are entirely subjective, making them useless for determining if I am a failure. I am a failure because I have no objective and quantifiable success in life. Maybe this isn't the right subreddit for this kind of post, but I thought a philosophical approach could help me cope with being a failure since traditional talk therapy is useless to me.","Everything drains down to perception. Were these failures? Or lessons? Not lessons on how to try again and succeed necessarily. Perhaps these events, or failures as you've deemed them, have showed you something about yourself that you still don't see. How did you handle them? Did you break? You're still here. You still have time to shape your life to your design. What's your definition of success? Winning the rat race? Too late, it's been won. Respect? It's an illusion. Redefine success unto yourself. Make it mean something else. The average person will tell you success pertains to status, security, meeting vocational and monetary goals. Nay! I say.",I am a failure because I have failed at everything. How can stoicism help me to live with this?,,general_qa 74,"It's been 11 months since I got clean and part of that reason was just understanding myself and reading in to stoicism philosophy. I recently tried hydrocodone a weaker opiate and thought it would allow me to feel how I once did but after that night I just kept chasing the high and I'm back at my original dosage like before and I'm just so exhausted and frustrated with myself. I was wondering if anyone can give me stoic advice on how to make a change, I just have no where else to go and this philosophy has been the only positive thing in my life.","Context: I'm a former addict with four years of clean time (terrifying how time flies) who has been practicing Stoicism for about that length of time. Everyone relapses their way sober - that 11 months was far from ""nothing"", and even though you'll be resetting your clean time, this next phase will be *far* easier than the phase before. I had about a year too before I relapsed - that was my last relapse prior to this four-year span. Stoicism is not a tool for getting sober - right now you're thinking of drugs like they're a bad habit. The fact that you thought weaker drugs might help means you're still saying ""the problem isn't drugs - they're not unique, the problem is *me*"". Well, after 11 months you must have felt pretty fixed - and if drugs aren't the problem you may as well turn to them. You probably were fixed too. The issue is that drugs *were* the problem - they aren't like any other substance or bad habit, they're unique and have a unique neurochemistry that specifically facilitates the formation of addiction. I'm aware 12-steps completely fuck this point up by saying that addiction is a spiritual problem in the addict - it is not, addiction is a biochemical phenomenon. The problem isn't you, it's the drug - the drugs *create* your spiritual problem. That said, I still attended a 12-step fellowship simply to be accountable to others, even if I do not believe their ""spiritual"" advice is any use: recovering from addiction often requires you to eat humble pie in that way, and to be prepared to make things work even if they're less than ideal. If you haven't already, you need to find one of those spaces (so 12-steps or SMART) and admit what's happened and be accountable to people. Stoicism will just become your excuse for using if you try to make it a tool of recovery. Once you've sobered up and amassed a little clean time, then think ""Stoicism"". Personally, it worked for me after I'd detoxed to partial functionality, which took around 3 months.",Relapsed on oxy,,general_qa 75,"As a 20 year old biracial (b&w) man I can't seem to win. It's cliche but it's true when I say I've always been too white for the blacks and too black for the whites. It doesn't help I have aspergers making it hard to relate to others my age, as well as being a deep, intellectual thinker in a generation that idolizes stupidity, ignorance, and monetary meaningless items/relationships. I've recently been interested in listening and learning from Malcolm X and other influential figures in history in that space and it seems society has just fallen so far short of what they had hoped for us. Everytime I meet other blacks I'm told imma lame ass nigga cuz I like to read educational books and don't like to party or 'get bitches'. If I question why we have to retaliate on each other in the ghettos instead of helping each other out I'm told Im not from the hood so I wouldn't understand like I should be ashamed I was raised in nice areas. The crazy part is my father is from Compton and I've seen the hood firsthand we visit our shrinking family (due to violence) over there every other year and it's why I advocate so strongly against black on black crime. I get told I'm weird or a goofy because I like to listen to rap but also switch it up to stuff like Foo Fighters or Zillakami. It's so demoralizing to be shunned for everything I do. The area I live in is predominantly elderly conservative white people with trump flags and confederate flagged trucks, always shooting dirty looks. The (for lack of better words) 'nice/welcoming' white people that are my age to hang out with have this strange obsession with 'acting black' which I hate saying but it's the only way to describe them. They say nigga louder, prouder, and more often than even my black family members in Compton. I can't associate with them because no matter if I get mad and argue or politely ask them to stop it's always 'it's just a word' or 'X rapper says it why can't I?' They put the 'ghetto' accents on around me but all of the ones doing that talk really proper around their parents when they come around so it's not even a genuine type of accent. It's like they want to appear uneducated to me to be cool. And now with these wars and political issues going on in the world I feel my generation is the only one that could fix things before they get out of hand yet nobody cares at all. They'd rather stay blissfully ignorant and discuss Kim Kardashians 5th rebound from Kanye or make fun of gay/trans people or what their favorite celebrity ate for breakfast or did to their hair. The gym has definitely kept me sane but it's not enough to just push the pain into the weights anymore I need mental exercise now. Apologies for the rant, I just have no one to open to about these things and I'm just ready to give up. Life is so simple yet people make it difficult for no reason. I just need a stoics advice and perspective, please don't be afraid to recommend or link resources to learn the ways of stoicism. I've heard of many great stoics but don't know where to get started when it comes to finding their work.",">I feel my generation is the only one that could fix things before they get out of hand yet nobody cares at all. No. This is a lie you tell yourself. >How does a stoic man face opposition from his own people, as well as the community he lives in? A significant person in my life has a white mother and a black father. He has forged his way through poverty and looked to all the avenues to better himself. It took him 15 years, but he now has PhD in chemistry. >Everytime I meet other blacks I'm told imma lame ass nigga cuz I like to read educational books and don't like to party or 'get bitches'. This is a lie this particular small group of people you've met believes about themselves and are throwing it your way. Why would you believe it about yourself? You've got your head stuck so far in the sand, you're hiding from your own ego. Pull your head out, face your ego, throw away your ego, start reading Epictetus, and hang out with people you want to hang out with.","How does a stoic man face opposition from his own people, as well as the community he lives in? *New to Stoicism as well",,general_qa 76,"I've always found it relatively straightforward to take solace in Stoic principles when facing discouraging or upsetting career situations, such as being passed over for a promotion you believed you deserved. Stoicism provides valuable guidance on how to cope with adversity. However, I've encountered challenges when seeking positive career advice within Stoicism, despite the fact that figures like Marcus Aurelius and Seneca were leaders and enjoyed successful careers themselves. I'm curious if there is any Stoic wisdom that has personally aided you in making wise career decisions, aside from dealing with challenging workplace circumstances?","Musonius Rufus gave a lecture specifically about ""career"" - ""What means of livelihood is appropriate for a philosopher"", in which he suggests working on the farms. Here's an excerpt: There is also another means of livelihood in no way inferior to this, indeed, perhaps it would not be unreasonable to consider it even better for a strong person, namely earning a living from the soil, whether one owns his own land or not. For many who are farming land owned either by the state or by other private individuals are yet able to support not only themselves but their wives and children as well; and some in fact attain even a high degree of prosperity by hard work with their own hands. For the earth repays most justly and well those who cultivate her, returning many times as much as she received and furnishing an abundance of all the necessities of life to anyone who is willing to work; and this she does without violating one's dignity or self-respect. Of course I'm not actually suggesting you to quit your job and start a ""career"" as a farmer. The point here is a job, or a career is an indifferent. Even one that involves heavy manual labour while being constantly exposed in the weather is still a worthy job. The only thing that matters is how you do your work. ",Stoic Career Advice,,general_qa 77,"I have been a student of Stoicism for about a year now and it has greatly helped my mental health and how I view the world and process things. It has helped ground me on some things I've struggled with and helped me let go of others, but I have a situation that I am struggling with and it is a little complex. I was born into a high control religion that both my parents and older sibling are members of (I'm trying to keep some of the specifics vague). My siblings kid (a minor at the time) 2 years ago got discovered as having a romantic interest with someone outside the religion and that is a big no-no. That entire situation spiraled out of control due to my siblings anger issues and the dynamics of the religion. My siblings kid moved out and left the religion - which my sibling blamed me for. I can deal with the blame and assumed that would happen. However, over a period of weeks I was verbally threatened with physical harm by my sibling and we went a few weeks without speaking (we live with our parents). Since that time things have cooled down and we are on okay terms. We talk and such but I honestly don't have much of a desire to spend a lot of time with or deal with them. I try to act with virtue towards them but it's hard given those events and some other things he does (or doesn't do) around the house but are not super relevant to this. They are sad we don't have much of a relationship and I feel bad about that but I can't bring myself to genuinely want to spend time or have a relationship with them. Especially after reading up on Stoic thought it has put a larger gap in our world view and some of his ideas and thoughts I find I don't really want to hear. I would appreciate any thoughts or advice regarding this. I'm just unsure about how to approach our relationship and act towards him aside from ""being good"". And aside from all this, I thought I was fine with how I was raised but the more I am getting into the ""real world"" I am seeing how much of a disadvantage I am at in terms of, aside from a couple family members who were not in the religion, I don't have much of a support structure and I have weak social skills because I grew up thinking anybody not in the religion is ""wicked"". I have noticed some animosity building towards the religion generally and my dad specifically and that has been bothering me as well. I guess that's more of an aside you can comment on if you want.","There is an awful lot to unpack here - the simple truth is that you are in the ""collapsing"" phase of a cult. You may not think of your religion in terms of being a cult - I suspect it's a fringe offshoot of an already small offshoot of a more mainstream religion, and I'd wager it was not always cult-like in its administration. Cult-like religions collapse because their leader (and I suspect you know roughly who that is for you, I'd guess they're the so-called ""community leader"") rules through edicts that apparently represent some kind of divine will, yet as soon as you've made that claim the edict cannot be questioned - after all, something divine can't be wrong. But the rule is wrong, and every person who is in a situation where it falls down ends up blamed or ostracised. Of course, each time this happens it creates dissent, for cohesion is the natural state of a family, and the natural drive in all human relationships, and the cult is now directly operating against this reality. Dissent is crushed with yet more edicts from the divine, which open up more holes and more ostracisation, leading to increasing stability over time. Your anger at the religion is justified - you are averse to the thing harming your family dynamic. But the anger is also a passion for it is not going away - that's because you are feeling compelled to re-evaluate your relationship with the religion itself, but you're avoiding doing that. All roads forward involve addressing that anger by re-evaluating your relationship with the religion. This is about the biggest step a person can take in your situation, but it's clear you have family members who have left and are already on the other side - whatever you choose, you won't be alone. You also cannot repair or even decide upon what family dynamic you want until you undertake that process.",Advice on how to move forward handling this family dynamic,,general_qa 78,"Hey guys, first of all, I wanted to thank everybody in the community for this amazing subreddit, I've recently started my stoic studies and I've read John Sellar's Stoicism and now following the advice in this post: [https://www.reddit.com/r/Stoicism/comments/1617471/how\_to\_learn\_stoicism\_systematically/](https://www.reddit.com/r/Stoicism/comments/1617471/how_to_learn_stoicism_systematically/)I've acquired Discourses and Selected Writings by Epictetus. I would like your view in a problem that's been frustating to me.I'm studying to a test to join the Air Force in my country, the content that I need to study is mathematics, physics, grammar, text interpretation and english.In my high school, mathematics and physics were taught very poorly, which are the ones I'm having the most difficult with... I'm having my first contact with many of the subjects (I didn't even knew what a function was).My main problem is that I get easily frustated, to pass on the test, it's necessary to solve dozens of questions on the topics, missing one makes me very angry at myself, I think that I'm not competent enough and that all my effort was useless and then it's one step to get all sort of bad thoughts, which results in me not wanting to study anymore...I admit that reading John Sellars book was maybe a way of escapim from my responsability, I think I was trying to find an answer to my personal problem but I'm afraid it may be just me trying to escape... Also, I get easily discouraged when video lessons are too long (Most math classes are 20 minutes, it's not rare for a physics one to be 1 hour), I don't have the patience, even 20 min classes feel too long and I put the video in 1.5x... Maybe I do this because I feel so behind everybody who already have seen the subjects and are my competition. I would like your advice on my issue, how can I get over my frustation? I know that making mistakes is a step into making progress, but this thought just don't get in my head.","It's good that you recognized your formal education in some subjects were not enough and are putting in the effort to study them by yourself. That already puts you ahead of many people who would rather blame their circumstances and become wretched. Have you tried some ways to study other than video lessons, like books, online resources in text format, private tutoring, etc? I understand you're worried about not making it on time, but rushing the content and then forgetting about it will just end up wasting you even more time. There's a limit to how quickly you can absorb new concepts and there's no cheat or life hack to bypass it. Either you accept and operate within your limit, or you don't and end up getting frustrated while also failing to study anyway. As for Stoic advice, there are a lot of things to reflect upon and it will take time for you to think through all of them. You will be completely on your own in this process because only you know what you truly want. I'll list them out based on what I see from your post, chances are as you ponder through them you might discover even more things worth reflecting upon. * How much importance you place on your choice of career, and why. * Why is it important to pass the next exam instead of the one, or the ones after that? * What is the real value of learning about these subjects? (It's not only about passing an exam) * Is it worth it to force yourself through subjects you don't like? (I suspect this is the real reason for your lack of patience) * Why do you call others who share the same aspirations as you your ""competitors""? Won't they be your brothers and sisters in arms once you pass the exam? * Don't you want the Air Force of your country to include the most qualified people? If so, is it not a good thing that people who are more qualified than you pass the exam?",How to deal with the frustation when studying?,,general_qa 79,"Hi all, Aspiring Stoic here and am looking for some advice. I have been reading some of Seneca (on anger) and some Marcus Aurelius. Some parts of Stoicism is resonating with me, specifically the dichotomy of control and classifying things as indifferent. One reason I came to Stoicism is due to my over analyzation of situations and being upset about the events that transpired particularly getting either sad/disappointed/mad over events that go negatively for any reason, some examples include: \- Getting upset if I lose in a competitive game \- Arguing over minuscule things with close friends \- Caring too much about opinions I shouldn't Note that this isn't a super frequent situation but something I personally want to improve on. My close friends tell me I'm fine and the above is normal (they're good people) but its not the kind of person I want to be which lead me to Stoicism. I am looking for advice on how I can exercise the dichotomy of control, be indifferent to events/outcomes while also caring about the events. I feel like when I try to follow some of the ideologies I am reading about, I start to lean towards ""I don't care about this so therefore it wont affect me"" and I have read enough to know that this is NOT the goal. I very much do not want to fall into that anyways. Please go easy on me if I mispoke on anything or missed some key context, I am new to this and looking for advice or a guide in the right direction. Thanks in advance.","I'm by no means an expert but maybe the answer is already in your post. You said when you start to read some of the ideologies(?) and begin to follow them, you start to not care. It seems like you're not properly applying what you've learned. For example, getting angry in a game. You stop and give yourself a moment. You feel the anger for what it is; a reaction. You choose not to be angered by the game. You say you follow the ""ideologies"" (curious what you mean) and then stop caring. There seems to be a fundamental disconnect between your understanding of the material and what's going on. If you're not caring then you're no longer feeling anger, and thus how are you applying said ""ideologies?""",Struggling with some parts of Stoicism,,general_qa 80,I just need some stoic advice. I am completely devastated. How do I get through this?,"Looking at your post and comment history, my recommendation would be to stop taking drugs. Mushrooms and infant care don't mix well.",Girlfriend broke up with me and left with the baby,,general_qa 81,"What is some stoic advice on how to reduce or even eliminate the fear of taking risk? Such as approaching a cute girl at the bar. I believe that so many of us are so worried about how others perceive us that the actual event of rejection may not bother us but what bothers us is how the people who witnessed that rejection would perceive you. How do I get over this fear of taking risks, getting rejected and what others think about me?","Negative visualization or something, I can't remember it's name but basically think of all the possible worst outcomes imaginable and pretend as if they have happened, embrace them. You will never be disappointed",Stoic way of mitigating the fear of taking risks,,general_qa 82,"Hello so various things 1. I've accepted that my two paths at this point are either to make and save enough money to live on my own away from everyone(hopefully in a large field) in a small house. Or (hopefully not) suicide. Either way, I've made peace with it. Having lost friends because of what I did(deservingly) word has spread. I've "" improved""( at least I hoped although sometimes I feel like I'm lying). I've caused harm and I've made my bed. Might as well deal with it. Amor Fati. I feel like these two things would be the most Virtuous path for me. There's no way I can form any new bonds tbh with you. No one wants to associate themselves with someone like me( especially not with my recent diagnosis). The harm I've caused can't be erased. Moving on from this wouldn't be fair for her. Yet for some reason, a part of me refuses to disbelief that my Fate in this scenario is permanent. I've reevaluated myself, took medication(s), etc. I'm "" calmer."" but idk if I'm better. But. doing what little noble thing I can is the best I can do. No one has any obligation to someone like me. 2. Would it be reasonable, even noble for a person who's proven to be a person that's a danger to society to kill himself so as to no longer harm others? In Stoicism, those with Vice's should be cast out ( I ask this hypothetically ). If that's so, would it be noble for one to do so? It's been said that people who commit my actions. It's said that people who commit these actions don't usually change. Would it be nobler for a rapist who wants to get better to( after paying for the consequences of their actions of course) try to be a nobler man or commit suicide so as to not cause future harm or to give back to Nature? 3. Would it be hypocritical for me to let's say, have any opinions on right and wrong due to my past actions? Or even to do good things(giving someone advice.). Especially since it doesn't erase what I did. I try not to comment on a lot of things because I don't think I have a right. I purposely don't do many things because I don't think it'll be fair for me to have joy or happiness. Would it be me lying if I did something even slightly noble, such as holding the door for someone? Would I be lying to myself and others? Even if I'm genuine. As many people have said, ""If several people are saying you causing trouble, you probably causing trouble."" So am I a liar then? Genuine question. I accept people being skeptical of me tbh, why wouldn't day? I'm just curious about if it's hypocritical to be doing good based on severe bad actions. Is it acceptable for me to attempt Virtue? I frankly don't know. Yeah, I have various mental health issues and disorders but they're frankly not a good excuse. My path is the path of Solitude due to my actions. I wish it wasn't so but I have to. If I come a certain way then I apologize. What is the Stoic way of dealing with this? Should it be to look into the present and be at peace with Nature?","The most ""Stoic"" thing you can do when you have mental health issues is to seek professional help and fully commit to dealing with those issues first.",Trying to Make Peace with Dilemmas,,general_qa 83,"What does stoicism say about hanging around people that may bring you down? I've been doing research on it and I've seen two sides to it: one where we should immediately leave as no matter how clean you are, you will get dirty hanging around dirty people. The other says that we shouldn't let them affect us and to continue moving forward and to accept them as who they are. To give some context, I've been taking some things more seriously in my life and have considered some life changing decisions. I'll still come and hang around with my friend group but now it feels like they're ""bums"". They're sense of enjoyment seems to be shitting on other people that try in life because they themselves are living a life they don't enjoy. They've even made comments poking fun at me for taking something serious that they think is silly. It feels like they're all just waiting around until they're final day comes, accomplishing nothing everyday. Overall, everytime I talk to them it always feels like we're gossiping and putting someone else down for our own enjoyment and it's something I can't get behind now. I'm not really sure what to do. Is it wrong of me to cut them off or distance myself? Isn't it not stoic to cut them off because I am letting what they say and do affect me? Shouldn't I not be bothered by their actions and be able to continue doing what I have to do while enduring their actions? If what I've read is true, aren't my friends prescribed to me in a sense? That they were prescribed to me in life for me to be able to endure harsher words better and for me to be able to learn to block out all the noise? At the same time, there are stoics like Epictetus that say I should just leave and surround myself with people more like-minded no? Any advice is appreciated, in a very confusing spot in my life right now, thanks","Relationships are transactional. It's not a romantic thing to say but what is the value of a bond if it doesn't benefit both parties more than it damages them? First you may want to define what friendship means to you. Seneca speaks about this in his [9th letter](https://en.m.wikisource.org/wiki/Moral_letters_to_Lucilius/Letter_9)""On Philosophy and Friendship"" - section 8, 9, and 10+ in particular. His 3rd letter is also on friendship and he may add to your definition more with that one, but the 9th letter is more to your question.",Feel like I'm outgrowing friends.,,general_qa 84,"Hey everyone! I just recently finished reading meditations by Marcus Aurelius for the first time and it help me get through some very hard times. But often I feel that I have this underlying anxiety at all times that I just can't seem to shake. I meditate, practice stoic wisdom, and try to focus my mind constantly, but nothing seems to make me relax. Aurelius says in his book that he simply ""displaced my anxiety"", but as well as this works for displacing anger, sadness, and arrogance, anxiety seems to be trickier. Just wondering if anyone who has spent more time with stoicism than me has some advice. Also just any advice to a beginner stoic in general is welcome. Thanks!","Well classic Stoic thought on anxiety is that it comes from false impressions, that we maybe want people to think or say something when really their thoughts and actions are their business and not ours. Or we maybe consider that a certain outcome is 'right' or 'good' when actually no outcome of itself is good or bad, but it is up to us to be wise and look for how we can practice virtue in any situation. Or maybe we are catastrophising and that the outcome we are dreading is unlikely to happen, but regardless we can prepare for it and realise that we do have the inner resources to maintain equanimity That is all well and good, and most of the time absolutely fine But for myself, I experience generalised anxiety which is a different beast. Deal with one issue and worry will find another to latch on to. Because this is not an intellectual thing, it's almost like it has its own being, independent of my mind The Stoic can rationalise that another has not returned my call because they are busy, or for other reasons that are outside of my control, but for a gut-worrier this is not the solution. Sure it may be a healthier way to regard the unreturned call. But since the worry exists independently, it has to find something so it just looks around for something else instead. Perhaps that rattle in the car, or the headache I had this morning rationalizing one thing away just sends the worry to latch onto something else. Over many years I have come to the conclusion that this type of worry wants to be heard and that acknowledging it is better than trying to make it go away. So I would quite literally say to myself 'that's my worry caring about me not getting that call, not my reason' or 'that's my anxiety latching onto the noise in the car, I'll chat to my motor mate tomorrow'. It's a slightly different emphasis from pure Stoicism, I don't dismiss the worry more I accept it is part of me that wants to be acknowledged.",Anxiety,,general_qa 85,"I have just begun reading stoic philosophy and the controllables seem to be what one should focus on for a fulfilling life. This sounds right on to me, but I recently did an exercise where I determined my values and one of mine was that I value developing compassion for/with others. This value now seems a contract for unhappiness as it is completely based on the reciprocation of connection from another person (which does sometimes not come about). I have noticed in the past that my desire for this connection with certain people has made me unhappy. Would it be reasonable to determine a different value that I should try to commit that involves a less companion-based outcome? Maybe one with a more self-controllable outcome? Or should I have a different thought process around what compassion is? Or am I thinking of values wrong? I'm feeling very lost so any advice would be much appreciated.","Compassion is a one way street. It is a feeling you feel for another being. There is no requirement for reciprocity. If feeling compassion is a strong value to you, do it without the expectation that they will give you something back.",Is a value of compassion for/with others a path to unhappiness?,,general_qa 86,I have an upcoming job performance review with my boss who tends to have nothing nice to say to me. I'm trying to apply stoic principles which help a bit. But how do you guys cope/deal with a boss who has nothing good to say to you? I tend to freeze (my mind goes blank) during these reviews which are just him quizzing me until he find something I don't know how to answer. So far I've set my mind that he's not going to change the way he treats me but I'd like to know how you guys deal with someone like him during this performance review. Do I agree with him and just tell him he's right and move on? (I'm actively looking for another job BTW). What advice do you have?,"Some people really should not be in a position of authority over others. But, since this is the situation you're in right now, perhaps this will help. Listen to everything he says, and note the things that you believe are actually valid observations of mistakes you made and places you can improve. These are genuinely helpful, because you want to be the best person-in-your-role you can be, and valid criticism helps you do that. The rest can wash over you. It doesn't need to soak in. If he is unreasonable, nitpicky, or just straight out cruel, that reflects more on him than it does on you. The meeting will probably still be difficult, but you can use it as practice for dealing with difficult situations",Stoicism and job performance review,,general_qa 87,"Any Stoic advice for someone that lives in a really dangerous region, how to deal with it? Being realistic the situation will not get better in the place that i live. How to see the life in this case","The Stoic position, one that I have never had to significantly test and so am only explaining academically, is that death and physical harm are not bad and should not be feared because death comes to everyone. The only thing to fear is living poorly.I feel like a hypocrite writing this because this is the epitome of ""easier typed on a phone than done"". But if you can work towards this ideal then you will be stronger than I can imagine. Here is a collection of quotes: https://www.stoicsimple.com/stoic-quotes-on-death-the-best-stoicism-sayings-phrases/#:~:text=%E2%80%9CLet%20death%20and%20exile%2C%20and,nor%20too%20eagerly%20covet%20anything.%E2%80%9D",How to deal with real death threats,,general_qa 88,"I saw in this sub some comments about selflessness and I have struggles to comprehend the concept of stoic cosmopolitanism and the idea that ""the good you do to others is a good you do to yourself"". Because it isn't always the case and it would be irrational to think otherwise. We don't always feel joy from helping someone. So I really don't know how to interpret that statement. Besides, should a stoic always help people even if they can fend for themselves? Your thoughts and advices are welcome.","[Hierocles' Circles](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hierocles_(Stoic)) is probably the most known way to explain this: >Some other fragments of Hierocles' writings are preserved by Stobaeus. The most famous fragment describes Stoic cosmopolitanism through the use of concentric circles in regard to oikeiosis. Hierocles describes individuals as consisting of a series of circles: the first circle is the human mind, next comes the immediate family, followed by the extended family, and then the local community. Next comes the community of neighbouring towns, followed by your country, and finally the entire human race. Our task, according to Hierocles was to draw the circles in towards the centre, transferring people to the inner circles, making all human beings part of our concern. Contemporary Stoic philosophers Kai Whiting and Leonidas Konstantakos, added a further circle of concern to the original set to reflect a Stoic's relationship, and duty of care towards the environment, as discussed in their book Being Better: Stoicism for a World Worth Living In and various academic papers. It's not a transaction where we receive feelings of joy as a reward - it's like treating your family's needs as equally important to your own, which is not some exotic philosophical concept. Stoics believed that arriving at that from childish egoism is a natural process that happens as a person matures, and it expands to larger groups of people. A perfectly wise person would see the entire Universe as one with themselves. They described this as ""oikeiosis"" - ""Oikos"" means something like a household or a social unit, so I think the term means something like ""seeing more people as part of your household"", which includes caring for them. It's also not selflessness as in you're supposed to care for the entire world while forgetting your own needs like some sort of monk. Again, if you think about a healthy family dynamic, it's a good model - everyone's needs should be important and catered to.",Stoicism and selflessness,,general_qa 89,"I am trying to immerse myself in stoic philosophy, but I keep on doing hedonistic things, like waste time on YouTube and eat bad food. The YouTube addiction also distracts my study, my musical training, and my mental maturing. Is there any advice from those who have had this issue on how to overcome it?","It takes intention and focus. One common practice is to include a preparation of your day as part of your mornings. Take some time looking ahead and preparing your responses. You need to know who you are, who you want to be, and the difference between them. Until you come to believe that your study and training is more important than comfort, you'll stay in the trap you're in. It may help to set reminders throughout the day and train yourself to respond to it by asking ""what am I doing right now? Is there something more important to be done?"" (I fat fingered something that posted this comment early before I was done, sorry.)",I am struggling with hedonism,,general_qa 90,"Pretty new to stoicism, in the last 6 weeks but journalising and reading daily, starting with Seneca. But I need some advice. Recently my partner had to have an abortion for medical reasons around a month ago. It hit me really hard. I am mostly at terms with it and was already in therapy anyhow so had support for my side of it. But today I told a good old friend about it all, no filter on the phone and he turned it into a really callous joke. I had to let him know I am not good with that and ended the call. Does anyone know of any stoic advice on when you have been hurt by loved ones and friends?",Stoic ancients said: Stay away from unclean activities and people because it will rub off on you. Nothing wrong with deciding you need a new group of friends - it actually shows growth on your part.,Need a little help here.,,general_qa 91,"Throughout my life I have lived in a constant state of worry, for every thing imaginable. I also have OCD (purely obsessive). This is my biggest enemy and has to be defeated. Does any of you have any stoic advice/resource?","For me personally; it's simply practice, practice, practice. Whatever I'm anxious about, if I practice the skill, I get better at it, and my anxiety goes down. Not only do my skills improve, but I learn that failures aren't as bad as I'm imagined them to be. Good luck!",How can I overcome anxiety?,,general_qa 92,"I have a painful psychological scar from something that happened decades ago. It was a colossal missed opportunity, an immense disappointment, a stupid ""last minute"" mistake which resulted in a personal failure which changed the trajectory of my life. I cannot simply let what happened go as if it were a type of pure external misfortune - such as a weather catastrophe or a stock market crash. *Some* of it was out of my control, sure. I can point to such things as the bad advice I got from others at the time, the unfair nature of the system which I was working within, or the simple fact that there was some critical information I just wasn't aware of at the time. However, what eats me up is knowing that if I had put a little more effort in, made just a few more strides forward in my path, talked to a few more people, been slightly less arrogant about my situation - I know I would have prevailed. In other words, part of it *was* in my control, but I failed to act on it. Is there a Stoic teaching I can look to to help me finally let go of this frustrating regret, this emotional wound - this particular kind of life misfortune that indeed I was partially responsible for?","Because it's in the past, it is beyond your control. The fact that it was in your control back then doesn't matter. It's beyond your control *now*. I know it's not easy and I struggle with my own regrets, but I just try to remind myself of this when it creeps up on me. It's just your mind screwing with you.","Stoicism advises us to let go of things we can't control, but how do we let go of something in our past we *could* have controlled, but didn't?",,general_qa 93,"I've been dealing with a family member who tends to be rude/selfish to people, even to strangers. Cursing and blaming people is a common occurrence in all situations. I try to avoid as much contact with this person as possible but when it happens to strangers while I'm there, I can't help but feel bad. I've tried to explain that what they are doing is wrong but my advice is still ignored (this happened multiple times already). According to stoic teachings, if you can't control the situation, it's best to ignore it but when it affects other people, should I care for this situation?",Focus on your own actions; the best you can do is observe if any action he takes resembles yours and then correct yourself.,Help to deal with a rude/selfish family member.,,general_qa 94,"Hi all. I am a relatively new student of stoic philosophy, although I have always admired it as it seemed consistent with my own ideas and beliefs. I have been reading a lot of original work's recent but am looking for some help in sorting through the ideas in this situation because I feel confused and conflicted by many things. The title is pretty straightforward and would probably be enough, but here's some more context for anyone with time and attention to spare. At the end of last semester, I started talking to a girl from one of my classes who was an exchange student who would be going home at the end of the semester so I didn't think anything would come of it. We met to hang out a few times before she left, and although it was really fun and she was a really cool person, nothing else happened romantically and I thought her leaving would be the end. But after she went home, she continued contacting me and we grew really close with daily texting and weekly FaceTime calls. After about 3 months I asked her what was going on, whether we were just friends or something more, because I had started developing stronger feelings. I was disappointed to hear her say she only saw me as a friend, that she hadn't told me about another guy she was seeing when we started talking, and that she recognized her behavior the last few months had been misleading. But she reiterated how strongly she cared for me and didn't want to lose me as a friend. I told her I needed some space and after a week of no contact she texted asking how I was. Since then we have been talking fairly regularly. In fact, she is almost more talkative than she was before. But there are times we go a day or two without talking, and it actually feels okay now. But although I accept her lack of romantic interest, I can't say I am completely over her yet, and it's hard for me not to consider the future with her despite her lack of interest and the distance. And every time there is a lull in communication she finds something to keep it going. My issue is I fear that by continuing to be friends, I am making this harder on myself and possibly being unfair to her. I am confused by how I can apply some of the teachings of stoicism to my situation. On one hand I feel I should accept what fate has brought me, which is a good person who apparently really wants to be my friend, and stop focusing on the past and future. But I am trying to be wise and just to myself and her. I don't want to be in a situation where I am constantly in pain or where I cannot be a true friend to her. I am trying to accept that I can control so little of this, but I still think that how I act now has some bearing on this relationship and my life overall. I would appreciate any advice into what I have done wrong at any point so far or any misconceptions of the philosophy I may carry. What would a stoic recommend in this situation?","> I would appreciate any advice into what I have done wrong at any point so far or any misconceptions of the philosophy I may carry. What would a stoic recommend in this situation? In my opinion you're looking at this from the perspective of what you can control and what you can't. This is one teacher's reminder to his students to prepare for the bigger picture; you're missing that bigger picture which is why you're stuck, spinning your wheels and not getting anywhere. The bigger picture you're missing is understanding reality as it is, not as you may wish or fear it to be, so that you can calibrate your desires accordingly. I'll go through your post to illustrate what I mean. >because I had started developing stronger feelings. You had cultivated desires and began to imagine a reality for which there was no evidence to support. In short, you were preparing yourself for a world as you wished it to be. And you started to feel frustrated because it didn't work out in reality. One of my favorite definitions of virtue is the disposition of the soul for harmony concerning the whole of one's life. When you lack that harmony you are experiencing the emotions related to maintaining expectations against the backdrop of a reality that doesn't conform to those expectations. >I was disappointed to hear her say she only saw me as a friend, Even though all the evidence supported this reality, you had built up a fantasy reality in your head. The source of your frustration is this clash between fantasy and reality, the clash that you ignored because you desired a potential scenario over reality. >that she hadn't told me about another guy she was seeing when we started talking, She was telling her friend her latest news. This is what friends do. >and that she recognized her behavior the last few months had been misleading. Hold the phone. She didn't mislead you, you misled yourself. >But she reiterated how strongly she cared for me and didn't want to lose me as a friend. You have a good friend there. I encourage you to keep her. Sometimes life comes at us with one challenge after another, and it's nice to have someone in our corner. Be that for her, let her be that for you. You are at the beginning of what could be a lifelong friendship here. That's no small thing. >I am making this harder on myself and possibly being unfair to her. You feel friendzoned, but have you considered if she feels fuckzoned? Have you considered if she feels that you don't value her or her friendship unless sex is a possibility? I'd say that is unfair to her, yes. >I am confused by how I can apply some of the teachings of stoicism to my situation. By analyzing your impressions and correcting any errors in judgment. Epictetus' Discourse 4.1 is all about how to be free from this kind of emotional pain and distress by understanding how to recognize what you genuinely want, and whether or not the solutions you assume will work are actually logical and practical or not. All of Discourses is fantastic in this way. >I am trying to accept that I can control so little of this, I suggest you put to the side any notion of control. You're misunderstanding the concept and so unfortunately your application of it is getting in the way of your own intentions. >What would a stoic recommend in this situation? Read the original Stoics. Keep reading so you can start generalizing the concepts. That doesn't come from quotes, videos, or journal prompts. It comes from reading many different texts so that over time you start to see patterns. Eventually you'll start to notice them in your own experiences. That's when Stoicism really starts making a difference. But a philosophy cannot work until it is understood, and I think you could benefit from reading more. In the meantime, this series of posts is a great introduction and should help clear up some misconceptions: [Introducing Stoic Ideas.](https://www.reddit.com/r/Stoicism/search/?q=%22Introducing+Stoic+Ideas%22+author%3AElAround+&include_over_18=on&restrict_sr=on&sort=new)",How can the principles of stoicism help when you've been 'friendzoned' by someone you like?,,general_qa 95,"So I have a huge crush on my best friend that came on like a switch. I said something she said that made her happy. I was like wtf really? Ok I said can I express more? I'm an enfp artist with controlled bipolar so I'm pretty passionate when I am but it takes a lot. Sapiophile, demisexual. She's been receptive and says all this makes her happy. That she needs to adjust and I'm fine. We are making plans for Halloween. She said she'd be vocal if something wasn't right. We have a completely honest relationship. Then she said she's pretty stoic about stuff. I get confused looking it up and it's hard for me to ask more than I'm good and she's happy with everything. She said she'd reciprocate when she can. I guess I was hoping for a bigger reaction but that's how I'd react. I value independence and self care and her comfort very much. Any stoic advice? Does opening up take longer? Does stoic mean no love? I've seriously never felt like this, brain damage let me rewire things right. I'd do very much to not screw this once in a lifetime potential. Thanks for hearing my ramble, I've got so much love but if someone is not guiding me a bit I'm literally clueless. This is the first time not being attracted to an abuser. This woman changed my type. Says we should explore what I deserve. I don't want entitlement I want a lil reciprocal and I'm just trying to chill and not let past trauma ruin this.","We can't answer this, because we don't know what she thinks ""being stoic"" means. Ask her, not us. In general, ask her about anything she says or does that you don't understand. She's the expert on her.",Help me understand my crush?,,general_qa 96,"I just moved out alone and started a real job, 8-16 every day. I find myself being lonely often at night, this makes me more often use cannabis as a relief. Not being in a relationship with someone makes me feel empty and stuck in past relationships, which only strengthens the feeling of loneliness. I know that a stoic would and should not rely on other people to make him/her feel content in life, but I lack the mindfulness to incorporate this philosophy. I'm 25 and feel I've missed all opportunities to find a romantic partner, I know this is irrational. but I'm looking for some advice on how to tackle the feeling of loneliness. Currently reading discourses but having trouble understanding some of it. If someone has a specific passage from the book they would like to share their interpretation on, what would be great"," First, find the core of your desire to have a partner. Pleasure, companionship, support, etc... Knowing the reason in a more rational way can help you. Also, check if you're not comparing yourself to other people who have partners. Sometimes, you may feel that they are 'more complete' and satisfied, which is not always true. The attention you give to this and the lack of results (because it's not within your control) can consume you and prevent you from evolving in what truly matters.",Loneliness and constant fear of never finding a partner,,general_qa 97,"I have.. an interesting relationship dynamic to say the least. And yes, I know you must be thinking why I'm not posting this on r/relationship_advice or what not. I will be doing that too. To me, this is a problem that i might need, or in this case, will need a lot of stoic advice to carry on and process myself. Thank you all in advance. My story is as follows. Well, the short and long of it as I have yet to fully comprehend what has happened for how long. The gist of it is that after a seriously heated debate between me and my then-girlfriend. She decided that she doesnt want to be my girlfriend anymore. But we've still kept contact since, sometimes texting almost daily. I keep going on the pretense that maybe if I show her how much I care, how hard Im trying, then maybe she'll build enough trust for me to consider getting back. That lasted for a month, or two. And while all that was going on, in the midst of me constantly trying to mend that broken relationship, she was out having fun with another person, flirting with them, all the while still demanding/expecting things from me. Sometimes she would say that she wants to get back together but she is still so hurt by the past that she cant do so. Opting instead to become uncaring towards me and actively showing me that she is willing to defend another person. Something that she has never once done for me in the past. At somepoint in that strained relationship a fight between us broke out because of how she thought i was so uncaring of her, even with her constant disregarding of my feelings. That ended in me cutting ties.. or so I though as I once again messaged her later, simply saying to want to say how much Ive loved her and how I'll be going away. This then resulted in us meeting up, while only after a day from our last, she has decided to become partners with the other person i was talking about before. We talked, and I somehow convinced myself that staying friends with her was the better choice. But witnessing her treat another person how I've always wanted to be treated just breaks my heart. I'm jealous of it, envious of how I can't have been the one. I don't know how to deal with these feelings. Or how to process myself moving forward. On one hand, I would like to stay to maybe gain a chance at rebuilding their trust and affection once more. On the other, I know that by doing so, I risk myself not ever fully recovering from this relationship and tying myself down to it. Any stoic advice is extremely helpful as I do not know what I should be doing with myself moving forward. The thought of revenge does come to mind, but I do not think such shallowness is the right way to fulfillment and me being actually happy. Nor am I able to think of anyways of revenge lol. So please, as Stoics, please give me your advice on this topic... I am in dire need of help. EDIT: I couldnt reply to every comment there is on this little post of mine. Im glad to have so many people give advice and pay mind to my problem. I thank you all for the kind words and will now continue studying the path of Stoicism so that one day I will be lucky enough to be able to apply the teachings of Stoicism to my life. And be able to give out such enlightening advices like the rest of us here. Peace and love be with you all.","You've kinda talked yourself into a hell of your own creation here No contact with the ex. She's moved on, she's keeping you around as some kinda of emotional support because she knows she has you wrapped around her finger. Eventually new guy is going to tell her to stop communicating with you and you'll be cut out anyway. May as well take some semblance of control over the situation.",I feel frustrated that I am staying friends with my ex while they already have a new lover.,,general_qa 98,"I need clarification about how these virtues, personal values and goals fit together. Shouldn't I just set my personal values as the four cardinal virtues, or am I missing something? Why have personal values beyond that? Just living the four cardinal virtues is enough to keep me busy, and I am finding focusing on the cardinal virtues is helping me immensely from feeling lost and overwhelmed. Am I missing something? The way I see setting goals is that they are the practical application of the virtues to my unique roles and responsibilities. For example, in my role as a parent, I have a long-term goal to model stoic behaviour in a way that builds my kid's character. I may then set shorter-term goals that help with achieving this, such as going camping next weekend. It just really seems to work with me to focus on the cardinal virtues and set both short-term and long-term goals, but I think I might be missing something. I would really appreciate advice on this.",">I need clarification about how these virtues, personal values and goals fit together. I'm going to quote you a selection of excerpts from the Discourses on the definition of virtue. >So how is it that, although we are now agreed about the nature of virtue, we still try to demonstrate progress in areas that are unrelated? What is the goal of virtue, after all, except a life that flows smoothly? > >**Discourse 1:4 ""On Progress""** > >Free is the person who lives as he wishes and cannot be coerced, impeded or compelled, whose impulses cannot be thwarted, who always gets what he desires and never has to experience what he would rather avoid. > >**Discourse 4:1 ""On Freedom""** > >What is the good as you feature it?' > >'It means serenity, happiness and independence.' > >**Discourse III 22 ""On Cynicism""** > >The body is the raw material of the doctor and physical therapist. Land is the farmer's raw material. The raw material of the good man is his mind - his goal being to respond to impressions the way nature intended. > >**Discourse 3:1 ""What is the material proper to the good person and what is the goal they should strive to achieve""** > >'Well, whatever you may say, I know good from bad, and have an idea of the good.' You have one, I allow. 'And I put it into practice.' You use it in specific instances, yes. 'And I use it correctly.' Well, that's the crux, because this is where opinions become an issue. Starting with the ideas we take for granted, we get into arguments whenever we apply them incorrectly. If, along with the innate ideas, we came into the world with knowledge of how they should be applied, we would be perfect wise men from the moment we were born. > >**Discourse 2:11 ""Starting Philosophy""** As you can see, there are nuances and complexity to how the term ""virtue"" is used. You won't even understand that most of those paragraphs are talking about virtue - a close study of the Stoic arguments is required. You can't ask reddit what virtue is and how it should mix with your life - this is a comprehension that you would need to build-up over many hours of studying the philosophy and then running many trials in integrating the things it *claims* are true into your life. As a general rule of thumb, if you've not spent at-least 10 hours independently studying and contemplating the Stoic arguments (so that's the Discourses and Seneca's letters), you couldn't possibly have the basic comprehension you would need to start this process. You need to try to get that independent study under your belt. As it happens, every word out of Seneca and Epictetus' mouth (and most of what Marcus Aurelius says to himself in Meditations) is on the topic of ""virtue"". You can't read a single Stoic argument *without* being exposed to its definition, but it's rarely directly. I can tell you that virtue is classified as ""that which brings a smooth flow of life"", but setting that as your goal will be no use: everyone on earth, Stoic or not, is aiming to have a smooth flow of life. Virtue is found in the sum total of the correct arguments about how to reasonably adapt your thoughts and feelings to the realities of your life - that's not an easy thing to understand and it takes a *lot* of study.",Virtues vs Personal Values vs Goals,,general_qa 99,"Hello, Colonoscopy. Prep is very unpleasant though there are some possible ""hacks""ike using a nasogastric tube. What annoys me the most about it is that I have the feeling to lose control over my body. It feels like an agression. It makes me angry and unfriendly towards the nurses. So, how would be a stoic way to deal with the loss of bodily control (the prep causes you to go to the toilet to clean your gut). When I was a kid, four nurses hold me firm and a fifth one introduced a tube to my stomach to pass the product. I never recover from that trauma. I lost the ability to speak for two days after that... Anyway, even if I know the general principles, I need advice. I know, a stoic would say having this Crohn's disease is outside my control so nothing to worry about. However it's in my power to do this colonoscopy, as unpleasant it is, because it is important to check my disease doesn't turn into a cancer. Is there something I could read that would help me ? Thanks a lot","Worry refers to the thoughts, images, emotions, and actions of a negative nature in a repetitive, uncontrollable manner that results from a proactive cognitive risk analysis made to avoid or solve anticipated potential threats and their potential consequences ([wiki](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Worry)). Insofar as you genuinely believe there to be risks, you will naturally worry. Anyone who tells you to just not worry because a disease is out of your control is only sharing that they aren't worried because they don't hold the same beliefs about risks and vulnerabilities. Not only do these people misunderstand what control meant to the Stoics, they are essentially dressing up, in as positive a way as they can, the fact that they really don't care and don't understand why you do. I guarantee those same people worry about different things. No, what the Stoics were saying was that your cognitive risk analysis can be challenged, and insofar as you are harboring beliefs that do not correspond with reality objectively, you will face frustrations and worries. The goal isn't to try and convince yourself not to worry (how long would that even work anyway?), the goal is to align your beliefs with as accurate a representation of reality that you can muster. This is partly what is meant by living in conformity with nature. Furthermore, it is your nature as a human to rely on higher order critical thinking skills and social relationships, so utilize them as much as you can. I can't pretend to know what it's like to have Chrohn's, though I have a friend who asked me to make sure she didn't pass out taking showers at college just before she was diagnosed, so frail and weak had she become. So I don't have any first hand experience, but I know it's not always an easy challenge to live with, and your medical care sounds like it is fraught with a lot of really bad memories. If you are familiar with the philosophy of Stoicism, you'll remember that virtue is the only thing that can be reliably considered good. It is the only thing that cannot be taken away from you, used against you, lost, or stolen. It is the only thing necessary and in fact sufficient for *eudaimonia* (a life of contentment, flourishing). And you can see the evidence of this if you take enough time to find people with your medical condition who don't fear these events, who don't wait with anxiety, who respond to them as inconveniences in the moment but worthwhile endeavors for their greater goal of staying on top of the disease. And you'll find that people who are in great physical health who are miserable, who lack this contentment we all seek, which is further evidence that health is not the important variable here, your ability to understand and process your experiences well is (virtue). I would encourage you to read this series of posts about Stoicism as a refresher if you've read Discourses or some of the letters of Seneca already, or as a starting point if you really haven't: [Introducing Stoic Ideas](https://www.reddit.com/r/Stoicism/search/?q=%22Introducing+Stoic+Ideas%22+author%3AElAround+&include_over_18=on&restrict_sr=on&sort=new). This series of posts will walk you through what impressions are, how judgments are formed, and what we can do to empower ourselves when facing circumstances we'd really rather not encounter. Then I would encourage you to read Epictetus' Discourses. Each chapter stands alone so you don't need to keep track of where you were. Some are longer some are shorter, some will catch your attention right away. Just read through it in whatever order works for you, and read again those chapters that really stand out to you. I would encourage you to take personal notes as well, and start to notice where these thought patterns and beliefs show up in your own day. Anyway, good luck to you. You've been through a lot, I think you might be stronger than you realize.",How would a stoic deal with very unpleasant medical exam,,general_qa 100,"Hello all, Daniel, 22M here. Have been reading up on stoicism for a few years now, but some times I am more stoic than others. Would appreciate any advice, stoic and non-stoic ( I have recieved great advice on this sub ). I feel like I fall in love, too easily, and as a result get heartbroken quite often too. Im average-decent looking I would say. Student-athlete with I would say good social skills. All it takes for me to fall in love with a girl is just a good first date and a kiss, and I feel like today, girls give those away like it's nothing, and im left quite upset as a result. I am no Don Juan, its true that I don't have a lot of options with women. I have had women who loved me, who I wasn't as attracted to - and vice versa. I hate being in love, I hate these ups and downs and how it makes me feel. I hate the uncertainty. Its unnatural. I don't like the game-aspect of it, the chasing and reeling. Why cant it be simpler, easier. We meet, the first date goes perfect, why the games now? Most of my success has been with older women, simply because they don't put up the same games, but I really want a younger girl my age. How would you look at it? What would you do? What am I doing wrong? Thank you, sincerely appreciate it P.S : Please no generic self improvement stuff, I work out extensively, am constantly learning, and I take care of my hygiene and style.","63 year old guy. Thinking back to when I was 22 I had the same problem. Honestly, it has a lot to do with biology and psychology in my opinion. I was a political theory major at 22, heard of the Stoic, never read them. I found later in life, they had great advice on the inevitable nature of being, the losses we will all experience, and our own mortality. At 22 you are lucky to have read these works. I was fairly popular guy at university, fell in love at least once a month, then grieved when things went south. I held on to the loss of one of the most beautiful girls I ever dated in my senior year, held on to the grief of loss for three and half decades. This sounds extreme, but it was very real and affected my life. I finally was able to deal with the situation and then right after I found Stoicism. Stoicism has made me smile and laugh when I think of how I felt less than a decade ago. Relationships have less control over me now, in fact at my age I don't really care about that part of life.",Advice on love and relationships?,,general_qa 101,"So a few weeks ago my ex girlfriend broke up with me out of the blue, totally took me by surprise and has left me in a situation that makes me feel sort of hopeless.....but I know I will come out of this,I have power over my mind and not outside events, I am Just looking for a bit more advice and some words of encouragement from my fellow stoics. So here we go... Me and my girlfriend had agreed that I would move into her house as I live 45-minute drive away from where she lives, we made a plan and i started to put the pieces into place to put the plan into action, over the part of 3 months I made my plan of action and started to think about the future of us together, like what type of job would I be looking out for, what kinda stuff will I cook her for dinner....just all that kind of stuff you think about when taking a relationship to the next level, it was my chance to look after her and make her feel totally looked after. I was so excited about everything, me leaving my job of 11 year's that I hated, me moving out of my hometown to be with the love of my life...or so I thought. Everything was perfect, there wasn't a ripple in the water to tell me that she was thinking about leaving me, like literally nothing, her communication didn't change, her response to text messages didn't change, it was perfect like it has been for the past 13 months. Usually us guys kind of get an inclination that's something is wrong, you know when you say "" is everything ok ? You been really quiet the last few weeks and you don't seem yourself "" that usually leads into the discussion on her end about the breakup but that never happened because she showed no signs of unhappiness or distress about being in a relationship with me..... literally nothing at all. We celebrated her 30th birthday together on a Saturday and we went to a karaoke bar with her friends and family again noting seemed out of question we had amazing time and had an amazing day the next day just kind of having a lazy day and talking about her birthday party, again everything was normal. 2 days later it's Monday and I handed in my 2 week notice of leave to my boss and told him I'm leaving to move out to my girlfriend, he was happy for me and wishes me the best of luck, I am now so fuckin happy that the end is in sight for this job and the next chapter of my life is about to start. The next day ( Tuesday ) is my own 30th birthday, we were supposed to do something on that coming weekend for my birthday because it fell on a Tuesday and the two of us were working, she called me that night for a birthday chat and said "" we can do literally anything you want to do on the weekend for your birthday "".....again everything was completely normal and I was excited to celebrate my 30th birthday and me leaving my job with her on that Saturday coming. So, here we are, it's now Saturday morning, I arrive to her house, excited to go for dinner later for my birthday, I chat to her and her mom for a bit, she heads up to her room to get changed, after a while I head on up to her to see what she is at, I lay on the bed beside her and we chat for a few minutes.......... something feels off, I ask her "" are you ok, is everything alright "" She drops it on me that she doesn't think we are the right match for one another, I just sit there completely speechless.....not a word could I speak, I was in the same shock that I was in when my father passed away and I got that phone call to say "" dad's gone man "" I'm now about 4 weeks and a bit out of the break up, I have used my stoic teachings to realize that I do not own anybody and that any given time I have to give things back to the whole without question. That this is my faith, as painful as it is this is what my destiny is. But the thing is I am now jobless and broken hearted and I'm finding it very hard to focus, some days I focus on trying to find work and getting myself outside for a hike to clear my mind, and some other days I just can't get out of bed because I am dealing with the breakup side of this situation. it is like a double edge sword, one situation is just as hard as the order situation and trying to unpack it all is becoming a little bit hard. So I am asking my fellow stoics what would you recommend that I do in this situation and what insights can you give me that will help me along my path to recovery and to mending my broken heart. I'm dealing with two things, I'm dealing with being heartbroken and I'm dealing with low self-esteem about finding a job.....I'm really stressed about finding a job, I mean she could have ended things before I left my job ya know.....kinda a shit thing to do to someone. Any and all advice is welcome and I appreciate any help given. Thanks you","It sounds like your girlfriend had reservations about the relationship that she either didn't communicate or that you didn't hear. My guess is that the things she had committed to didn't become ""real"" to her until she was about to pull the trigger, and that is when she began to feel her doubts more acutely. Stoicism is all about reframing the events to your benefit. We cannot choose events, but we can choose how we think about them. The facts are that the relationship is over and you are without a job. Your imagined future is going to be different. That doesn't mean it will be bad - that depends on how you look at it. On the plus side, you didn't move in with the girlfriend, live together for a year or two, and *then* have her suddenly end the relationship, which may have been more painful. You are not committed to the new location now and are free to find a new, better job, perhaps in a new area that you never would have considered if you were in that relationship. In five years you may look back at this as the fork in the road that let you have new experiences that led you to the person you were to become.",Being Stoic during a break up,,general_qa 102,"Sometimes with my significant other, for whatever reason, maybe hyperactivity, high energy levels, I find I talk too much and jump from topics of conversation quickly and repetitively and speak about what I'm thinking of too much, no the point it actually can burn her out and annoy her (after a time, she isn't impatient whatsoever) and in afterthought I dislike this behaviour and dwell on how I wish I could keep my casual thoughts to myself without speaking them too much (I have no problem keeping deep thoughts or problems to myself luckily) Any stoic advice on this, does silence and relaxed behaviour come from inner peace or a well ordered mind ? Anyone else have this problem or dislike this about themselves ?","Maybe you can use this quote as a reminder: >""Nature has given man one tongue, but two ears, that we may hear twice as much as we speak."" Epictetus, Fragments 6 Any other Stoic mantra would do the same. Just something you can recall before or while having a conversation that helps you to slow down. Besides that, you can try to change perspectives and think about how your behavior looks like for your conversation partner. Make it a routine so your insights can sink in deeply. You can also do a little role-play. Just change the seats and let the other person talk without taking a breath. This can help to make it more realistic. Hope that helps a little.",Any stoic quotes/advice on not talking too much,,general_qa 103,"Hi, I'm in a pretty rough breakup right now. We were together for about 7 years and I'm thinking about a lot of things, my mind can't seem to settle. I've noticed that I think a lot about drinking alcohol to relax my mind a bit. But that feels weak and not the stoic way. How would the stoic approach this? What would be their opinion?","The stoic approach would be more akin to analyzing (not moping over and agonizing about) the breakup, taking what you can learn from it, allowing the emotion to wash over and around you without drowning you, gathering strength and moving on. If you were to take drugs (and yes, alcohol is a drug) then you're entirely skipping over the process of learning from the breakup. Additionally, you're not fixing the emotional issue - you're worsening it, at high risk, and pushing it towards your future self. Try to be kind to the person you will be tomorrow. Disclaimer: I do not claim to have a perfect understanding of stoic ideals, this is my interpretation, or a ""what I would strive to do"".",Stoic advices / takes on drinking alcohol,,general_qa 104,"If this sounds like a stupid or antagonistic question, I encourage you not to brush it aside. I think it's actually one of the more challenging considerations when practicing Stoicism. I've been getting therapy ads showing weathered old men saying ""don't show emotion,"" ""keep it bottled up,"" ""man up,"" etc. While I know that this isn't actual Stoicism, I do think the practice of Stoic virtues can be mistaken for this detached invulnerability. Not just from the outside but from within. For a healthy example of stoicism: a friend who is new to construction has an old supervisor who's been giving him a hard time. My advice would be to show no sign of grievance and not take it personally, to consider that this bitter dinosaur is that way because he's lived a shitty life and is projecting (and that the reward for not engaging is that you get to be the happy young man and he has to keep being the rusty old jerk). Or maybe I could frame it like ""you can't control the old man's behavior, but you can still find value in the work that you are doing,"" or ""you can line up another job so the boss's rants seem silly and pointless to you."" My point is, I don't think it's hard to find a stoic rationale to resolve that kind of issue. But this can become your default reaction for dealing with everything, and at a certain point, how is that different from ""don't show emotion,"" ""hero it bottled up,"" ""man up."" I ask because in my life there have been times when I feel like the Stoic answer allowed me to shoulder more than I could bear, but then became it's own cop out when I should have been more vocal in seeking help, or allowed my emotions to guide more of my behaviors. That the cumulative effect of letting things roll off me was something similar to toxic masculinity, at least as it regards trying to be stronger instead of softer or more vulnerable or emotionally receptive. It can be exceedingly difficult to identify when is the time to share how you really feel, or let passion guide your actions. So how does a Stoic avoid the toxic trait of becoming an emotionally detached strong man type of guy?","That sort of ""broicism"" focuses on the *appearance* of being stoic rather than being Stoic. It's like a McDojo that has elaborate uniforms and does a lot of board-breaking, but completely neglects the fundamentals of the martial art they're imitating. The point of Stoicism isn't to deaden yourself to your emotions, but to better understand them. It's less ""I'm going to ignore this person making me mad"" and more ""why does this person make me mad? why do they have this power over me?"" The other issue is that a lot of people forget that the dichotomy of control is a *dichotomy.* There are things within our control, and oftentimes it is the virtuous option to take action and address them.",How do you reconcile Stoicism with toxic masculinity?,,general_qa 105,"I'm going to try my best to explain this and I'll probably leave out some important details but please let me know if there's somethings that's unclear. I may also be explain myself in a way that doesn't portray me as I have been acting only because I'm not sure not how to explain this at my best yet. Some of this will also suggest a need for therapy. I'm in therapy. This post is to see if anyone has stoic advice that can apply to this as I have a basic understanding of what stoicism is but of none of the teachings of stoicism The issue: I feel the need to impress people very badly. So much so to the point where I think I come off as a narcissist. I feel like I have this need because I want people to like me. A part of me believes I am not a narcissist but a part of me is starting to come to terms with the fact I may be. For me this is a devastating realization because I live in a family of narcissists and their disinterest in things I went through at very dark moments in my life has made me suicidal in the past. While I don't think I'm as bad as them and not an extreme narcissist, I think it had rubbed off on me a bit. There was a time in my life where I'd do anything for anyone that was my friend. But after traumatic things (eg seeing death, dealing with sexual and emotional abuse and more). I came to terms with the fact that the whole world hates me at times. I also lost interest in helping or caring about other people. I wanted to be special or unique and show people I'm special. I wanted to prove to them that I'm everything they could ever want. To a select people somewhere in the back of my head I think I even felt a need to become successful that they regret bullying me. But I sought this same pursuit while believing the world hates me and I hate it back. In essence this led to me talking solely about myself because in my head even though I never realized it in the moment, I couldn't care about other peoples things. Mainly because the things I've experienced have been so traumatic and so isolating that I just wanted to some to love me. I wanted relief through other people because in my head I love people because there's a certain time in my life I remembered me and people getting along. Those were the happiest times of my life but that was many years ago. I forgot about other people in the process. I've realized this because I've come to a point now where I have to remind myself to ask about other people and I only remind myself after I've realized I spent a whole hour talking about myself. And while me wanting to help people and be there for people is something I do want to do as I want to leave a good impact in the world. I do this while running the risk of trying to look like a saint; When I'm not. At least I don't know if I'm am a good person. If a friend of mine said hey I'm in trouble can you come help I would. But I have to get to the point where they say that first. Also when I first meet people and try to go through this impress people phase and it goes bad on me I get angry at them in my mind when I'm by myself without looking inwards. This is in part to 2 things 1) when I was abused among other things people would tell me I'm paranoid. Yeah maybe I would be worried about a friend of mine going back to a drug dealer who sexually assaulted me when I know this friend of mine had a coke habit and claimed to never want to see him for what he did to me. Maybe saying she's so addicted that she'd go back would be paranoid. But I was right so it wasn't paranoid. 2) my self hatred thoughts are so extreme that I don't want to allow myself to feel bad about myself even if a bad thought about myself is right. hypothetical example I call someone a mean name. I may acknowledge it was uncool but I'll never allow myself to feel bad about it because I'm more scared of going back to darker thoughts about myself i had many years ago when I was suicidal. I am not suicidal now nor have I been for many years because I still believe going from a high school reject to college graduate makes me worth something. But the trauma stays. In simple terms this makes me feel ""I'm never wrong"" Stoic questions now How do I allow myself to feel uncomfortable in these situations where I have these bad habits that in a sense come from a genuine place albeit genuineness turned toxic from trauma? How do I set aside these needs that anyone would have in sacrifice of making my life better Meanness is genuinely a rarity for me despite the example I used but talking about myself is not. (Think I'm so scared of myself I wouldn't want others to be scared of me but sometimes meanness comes out) So idk what is the most important place for me to start, but trying to not talk about myself even for a sentence or two is something I want to work towards most urgently. How do I stop talking about myself when it doesn't come from a place of over inflated ego, but a desperation for wanting to be loved? I want to catch myself in moments of talking to people and recognize others want to feel the same","It seems to me that your primary problem is that you don't have an accurate understanding of how the world works. This is a very common problem, so much so that an accurate understanding of reality is one of the main things Stoicism teaches us to develop. For instance, you have developed the belief that talking about yourself constantly, perhaps obsessively, will make people like you. You believe this so strongly that even in a post when you're asking how to stop the behaviour, you defend it as meeting a need. Of course, it doesn't meet the need. In fact it's counterproductive and drives people away from you. But you're so deeply attached to this behaviour that you ask us how to let go of the need, rather than how to find a rational way to connect to others. You have many other false beliefs too. Eg, that the whole world hates you. Holy self-absorption Batman! 99.9999% of the world's population has no idea you exist, and has no feelings about you whatsoever. So, what is real? Well, people are social animals and we do all seek connection. This is good, and can lead to opportunities to practice virtue (for a definition of Stoic virtue, see the sidebar). How do we connect to others? A generally successful way is by taking a genuine interest in others, in finding ways to help others, in being a reliable person that others can come to. If you struggle to find those opportunities in your usual life, get out and volunteer. For an extra challenge, tell no-one that you're doing it* In every conversation, listen to what the other person is saying. Really listen, don't just wait your turn to speak. Give yourself a challenge to offer nothing about yourself unless directly asked, and to make all your comments questions about the story the other person is telling. If this is difficult (it will be), put your hand on your mouth while listening. A physical barrier will remind you not to speak out of turn. I can't overstate this - the thing you need is to be sincerely interested in other people, in a boundaried and healthy way. All your own stuff is for your therapist, not for people you randomly meet. *In general I encourage people to talk about their volunteering because it tends to result in more volunteers, but this is a special case.",Forgive me if this is confusing but I'm trying to figure out something that is a complex issues that had given me trouble meeting people for years. I am figuring this out as I'm writing this,,general_qa 106,"I know you all hate posts that just ask for advice, but I'm genuinely trying to learn the stoic approach to real life scenarios. I tore my left ACL last year, and after a year of painstaking rehab I return to my sport. In the very first game back, I tear the other ACL. I'm in a state of shock and disbelief. Everything I worked so hard for was just taken from me again just like that. I'm going to lose yet another year of my already limited college sports career, and my schorship is now at risk, let alone having to get/ pay for surgery. My disappointment, stress, and misery is currently immeasurable. How does a practicing stoic remain calm in times of uncertainty and hardship?","I'm going to give you some advice and then the Enchiridion point upon which it's based - I would guess it won't be easy to hear. It is the nature of pursuing a career in sport that you are more likely than not to fail, and that there is a high chance that injury will prevent you from being competitive permanently. If your scholarship is tied to your playing sports, it also means your study is contingent upon the condition of your body. A person shouldn't enter into that field unless they're psychologically willing to accept those facts. Right now, you're not accepting that fact - you've suffered the type of injury that is inherent to playing sports, yet instead of saying ""this is the reality of my choice"" you say ""everything was taken from me"". Nothing was taken from you - your injuries and your at-risk scholarship are exactly what you signed up for. You have been *given* the thing you wanted, and if you are not content with it then the ultimate cause of your psychological instability is your choice to pursue a thing whose nature you don't find agreeable, and you won't feel better until you cease the pursuit or come to terms with the thing you wanted. The relevant piece of Stoic literature is the 29th point of the Enchiridion (which likely refers to a lost Discourse, sadly, but fortunately it's one of the larger summaries). I'm going to replicate it here in full - it's on the specific topic of ""accepting a thing on the terms on which it is offered"": >Reflect on what every project entails in both its initial and subsequent stages before taking it up. Otherwise you will likely tackle it enthusiastically at first, since you haven't given thought to what comes next; but when things get difficult you'll wind up quitting the project in disgrace. You want to win at the Olympics? So do I - who doesn't? It's a glorious achievement; but reflect on what's entailed both now and later on before committing to it. You have to submit to discipline, maintain a strict diet, abstain from rich foods, exercise under compulsion at set times in weather hot and cold, refrain from drinking water or wine whenever you want - in short, you have to hand yourself over to your trainer as if he were your doctor. And then there are digging contests to endure, and times when you will dislocate your wrist, turn your ankle, swallow quantities of sand, be whipped - and end up losing all the same. Consider all this, and if you still want to, then give athletics a go. If you don't pause to think, though, you'll end up doing what children do, playing at wrestler one minute, then gladiator, then actor, then musician. And you - you're an athlete now, next a gladiator, an orator, a philosopher - but nothing with all your heart. You're like a monkey who imitates whatever it happens to see, infatuated with one thing after another. You haven't approached anything attentively, or thought things through; your approach to projects is casual and capricious. Some people, likewise, see a philosopher or hear someone like Euphrates lecture (only, who can lecture like him?) and get it in their heads to become philosophers too. Listen, friend, research the role, then assess your capacity to fill it, just as you assess your arms, thighs and back if you hope to be a wrestler or pentathlete. We are not all cut out for the same thing. Do you think that as a philosopher you can eat and drink, or exercise desire and aversion, as you do at present? You have to stay up nights, put up with pain, leave your family, be looked down on by slaves, suffer ridicule from strangers, be outdone in status, in power, in legal matters - get the worst of it, in other words, down to the last little thing. Ponder whether you're prepared to pay this price for serenity, freedom and calm. If not, then don't go near it - don't, like children, be a philosopher now, a tax officer later, then an orator or politician. These roles don't mix; you have to be one person, good or bad. You have to care either for your mind or for material things; specialize in what is within you or without - which is to say, you have to stick to the role of philosopher or layman.",Remaining stoic in the middle of a storm,,general_qa 107,"I'm yet to reach my goals, The life I want, and Until I reach there why I do feel worthless? Also somewhere I know I'm good enough as I am. Even when I know that I still have to work my self-esteem, my boundaries etc., Makes me feel unless I do that property, first I'm not good enough.","Try celebrating yourself along the way and allow yourself to enjoy the process. Like the best at anything (Kobe, MJ, etc.), they fell in love with the process of getting to where they are at. You won't have fun if you suppress that dopamine release until you reach the ultimate goal. For example, if you want to drop 20 pounds then every time you go to the gym give yourself that positive talk. Even after every set, you can look at the mirror and allow yourself to be happy in that moment. Another example, you want to make $100k. Instead of not feeling any positive release until you reach $100k, break down your goal. Every $1000 I make, give yourself a shout out. You are smart, you continue to be consistent and have a higher power then you will have nothing to fear.","Seeking Stoic Advice: Yet to reach my goals, Personal and professional, so without that How can I feel enough as I am",,general_qa 108,"Hi - keen for some stoic perspective. I was due to do something fun with my family this afternoon. Kids were excited and frankly I was also really looking forward to this simple thing all week. We arrived at the store and turns out they'd written my phone number down incorrectly. They'd try to call me to confirm the booking and I because I (obviously) didn't respond they gave our booking to someone else. They said there's nothing they could do and didn't solve it for us, and we turned and left while the other families got to go and experience their fun. It felt really unfair. Now, this is clearly not a big deal in the scheme of things, but gee it made me annoyed, disappointed and put me in a bad mood. I've been able to deal with some pretty heavy stuff in the last few years so I'm surprised I have reacted so emotionally to this. Any advice on what is going on here?","Sometimes easier to accept things for ourselves, but this involved your loved ones as well I suppose you could have had a plan B just in case. And you could have modelled not letting it disturb your equanimity to them. Life constantly throws up challenges, someone moves the goal posts etc. Think of the Stoic archer.",Injustice/fairness when other people make mistakes,,general_qa 109,"hi everyone! i really want a stoic perspective on this. i have a boyfriend (18) and we've been together since 2021. i always had trust issues because of a bad past experience ( betrayal from my ex dear friends), but first i want to clarify that i'm not possessive because of them, they shouldn't influence negatively my relationship, ofc sometimes he helps me, but i know that i have to resolve them on my own. i'll give you an example, yesterday he went out with his friends, nothing to worry about, in fact i trust him, i know his friends and i trust some of them, i just don't trust other people's actions. i always get that pain in the chest (anxiety). so i'd love some stoic advice for this problem, how can i help myself in this situation. when i get that pain in the chest, i do some self-talk to calm me down, i try to see the bigger picture of the situation, but i don't think that's enough, i still get anxiety the next day. i already know that there are gonna be comments that will say that i have to let go the past experience that i had, and i agree, but i'd love some advices that can help me rn, in this moment. thank you so much in advance. sorry for my english, it's not my first language :)",">In fact i trust him, i know his friends and i trust some of them, i just don't trust other people's actions You don't comprehend what it means to trust a person, and so you're mistaken when you say you trust him. If you trust a person, it doesn't matter what actions other people take - trusting them means that you trust that no matter what actions other people take, then your partner won't respond inappropriately. If you believed your boyfriend would never cheat on you, then you wouldn't be worried about other women offering him sex *because you would trust him to say no*. You don't trust him in this way. There is no easy answer to this, but you can solve your immediate problem, which is denying you even lack that trust, and that will permit you to begin to help yourself. But for as long as you deny you have a problem, or you pretend your problem is merely a matter of needing some kind of breathing exercise, there can be no progress.",i have trust issues f(19),,general_qa 110,"Hi all, I'm 19 and suffering from some mental health discorders such as autism, generalized anxiety discorder, social anxiety and ocd, also I have some kind of voice or speech discorder. I'm very interested in starting to be stoic I'll tell you more about me and would like you to give me stoic advice. All my life I've been bullied mentally I was called retarted I was mocked a lot because of my speech or voice discorder(I'm not diagnosed but there's something wrong with my voice and speech) I always was lonely and never socialized with my classmates. Even my family made some fun of me can you imagine lol they never understand me really blamed me for my difficulties that made me feel ashamed of having mental health discorders. My generalized anxiety discorder is now mild , but my social anxiety is still moderate. I never learned to socialize with anyone I only had 1-2 friends and they also made some fun of me this how I grew up. Because of my mental health discorders I can't have normal job that is very bad idea for me. When I was 17 I made some money online but I made some mistakes and failed I continued trying for half a year but didn't had success and eventually give up until January 2023 I had 5 months left to finish high school and was very worried as I can't work normal job because of my mental illnesses so I tried again I failed a lot but didn't give up and eventually had success and continue getting results in a few months I become the richest person in my family although I live in eastern Europe so it doesn't take much. Despite the bullying and people treating me like and calling me retarted I proved that I'm a capable person. My mindset is that I'm glad what's happened to me because it forced me to adapt my family are poor villagers and if I didn't had these difficulties I'd end up like them for sure. But because of the difficulties I was forced to learn and adapt in order to survive. I have genetic disadvantages for example not only the mental illnesses I'm also shorter and uglier than my father. I never had girlfriend or even talk to woman irl. Also I managed to overcome most of my anxiety without any therapy or medication my anxiety used to extremely severe, but it didn't break me. Most of the time I'm very positive and motivated I feel I can achieve almost anything I want despite the way I grew up I overcome most of the traumas, but Sometimes I feel inferior because I'm autistic and I'm getting sad. I closed in my house I don't have any friends I justt make money and workout that's my lifestyle I never went to parties or anything. I'd appreciate if you give me stoic advice thank you so much and sorry for had English I'd improve soon.","'Memento mori' (remember death). That is the thing which pushes me to accomplish things in life and get out of my comfort zone. Time is limited, you have to take action now. I understand, it's really difficult to meet people especially when one has social anxiety. The aim is to take small baby steps to get out of your comfort zone. Maybe first day, go for a walk. And slowly, as you start feeling comfortable challenge yourself to have a small talk or greet others. There are many classes and courses to which you can join.",I need some stoic advice,,general_qa 111,"It has been a month and a couple of days after me and my ex broke up. I have been reading Stoicism (meditations and Enchiridion of Epictetus) since and trying to study texts on my own. A lot of stoic ideas have been helping me move on and let go, but i am still finding it difficult to do so. There is no sadness from the break up because it was inevitable, no regrets, nothing, i forgive her for hurting me and everything. But I still miss her so much and she is on my mind all of the time. I want advice to let go from her and stop missing her, even stop loving her if possible because people in my place would hate her. I know she is with another guy and cant stop thinking about what they are doing and talking about, and thinking about how she perceive me because I feel like everything i did for her went unappreciated after the break up. Thanks.","Interesting, cause we probably went through similar cycles. It's been a year now since I've been introduced to the stoics. The Stoics would have you keep loving her, just understanding that the love you have for her is no greater than you'd have for another stranger, if you want to hate her, you'll have to find something else. If you want to learn to accept her choice as her doing what she at the time believed in best and coming to terms with the fact that you cannot be angry at her for that, then you have come to the right place. Let's tackle that last sentence ""everything I did went unappreciated."" Notice how with this sentence the entire value of all of your actions are instantly placed on how they are perceived or received. When we as people bestow a benefit, we must do so with the understanding that the act of doing good, be it virtuous or something else, is payment enough for the action. How that is perceived, handled, or ignored does not matter. You should judge yourself based on the motivations for your own actions. Did you do good to do good? Fantastic, then you have acted in accordance to your morals, pat yourself on the back and move on. Did you do something for the recognition? Then you simply don't deserve to feel good about it regardless of why you did it, take solace in virtue and acts of good intention. Take solace in knowing that you did the absolute best you could at the time. Finally a bit of two cents. You are taking yourself on a journey of growth and understanding. You are reading the books that changed the way I perceived my world. My ex cheated on me and not even a full year later, married the man she did with. I'm not perfect so I still make snide remarks.(working on it) but I do 100p believe her doing what she did was the best thing that ever happened to me. I changed my life, overcame so much, and proved to myself I can handle heartbreak. She repeated her same pattern. What to you may see as dark, like you are ""losing,"" as a bad thing, understand that you are not god, that you are limited from an imperfect perception of the world. That this pain may be the key to unlock something greater. Good luck friend:)",Month After Break up,,general_qa 112,I need stoics perspective on the fact that as far as I can remember ( im 30 yo) my brain always goes into this internal dialogue where I debate people or I make up some fucked up situation where I get pissed off at some make believe scenario my brain thought of and i leaves me in this stressed state of fight or flight. I mean I literally have this angry look on my face sometimes from what my brain is creating. Any advice or helpful criticism would be appreciated!,"for me, read "" The power of now"" and it helps on your stoic journey",Fight or Flight,,general_qa 113,"Hey fellow Stoics, I wanted to share a recent experience and seek some advice on handling the anxiety it's causing me. Without disclosing names, here's what happened: Several months ago, I (M, 25) started providing math and statistics lessons to someone who initially appeared to be a kind and motivated learner (F, 40). Over time, this person became increasingly intrusive, seeking a more personal connection beyond the professional tutoring relationship we had established. Despite my attempts to maintain boundaries, the situation escalated. In July, the person confronted me aggressively, making baseless claims about my intentions and insulting me. This encounter left me deeply anxious and disturbed. I decided to terminate the lessons and cease communication. Despite these efforts, this person persisted in seeking contact, even making threats. She brought a letter to my house, in which she wrote she will not give up until I tell her I do not care. The problem is, I have already blocked everywhere two months ago, so I could not have been clearer than that. I decided to contact a lawyer and I had her send a cease-and-desist letter. As a Stoic, I'm trying to apply our principles to cope with the anxiety and discomfort stemming from this situation. In particular, I feel anxious because of how she might decide to respond: coming to my house again, making scenes, sending me other letters, forcing me to spend other time in court. I would appreciate any insights, advice, or Stoic perspectives you might have on dealing with unwanted attention and managing the anxiety it brings. How can I stay true to Stoic ideals in the face of such challenges? Thank you for your wisdom and support.","The idea that Stoics shun all negative emotions and see no role for it is incorrect - this is as unreasonable as saying that they shun all positive emotions. Stoics simply recognize that emotions are how our judgments manifest, and our judgments either do or do not represent the truth. In the case of a negative emotion like ""fear of a stalker"", the *negative* emotion represents the truth: that *really* is a dangerous situation and you *really* should feel negative emotions compelling you to leave it. Those negative emotions are what compelled you to contact a lawyer, and they are what compel you now to pay attention to the issue and not simply assume that the cease-and-desist letter will be sufficient. In short, you *should* feel negative emotions in this situation. If you are still feeling compelled to act, it may also be time to contact the police: my guess is that your assessment that you have not yet been vigilant enough may represent your assessment that a lawyer is more ""legal"" than ""physical"" protection. I suspect that knowing the police have visited this woman and warned her may make you feel better. Knowing the police are aware of the situation, and that subsequent impositions on your life will go into an ongoing case file of evidence against her will likely assuade you. Now I am not denying that it's possible for your beliefs about the negative emotions you're experiencing to become irrational, but right now I see no evidence of this - indeed, were you to try to repress these feelings your ""vigilance"" would morph into ""terror"", the *irrational* form of that negative feeling (this would be a ""passion"" in the Stoic sense).",How to handle the anxiety caused by being stalked,,general_qa 114,"I am not sure if this is the right place to post this and if it isn't, I apologise and request that you direct me to the appropriate place to post it. I have had some amount of interest in stoicism and stoic philosophy for the past few months now but I know very little about it and I also haven't really tried to actively apply it in my life either. However, in a few days, I will go through what I know will be an extremely challenging and difficult part of my life for around four months or so as I am going to be enrolled into a private school's hostel for the sake of my education. Unfortunately, this is completely out of my control and I can't back out of it now, even though it was never my choice in the first place. I know that this will be a hellish experience as I have already experienced it for a few days but I recently came back out due to an eye infection and I will be returning soon. The schedule is extremely harsh with only an hour of two where we aren't in school or studying a day, eating really unpleasant food for every meal, being able to bathe only twice a week, having no contact with my family other than a five minute phone call a week, extremely cramped and frankly unhygenic dorms and bathrooms etc. However, as bad as all these things are, I know that there are hundreds of former students and even my friends who have gone through this and came out the other side. If they are able to do it, I know that I can too. However, I am not in the best mental state and I am afraid I won't come out of the otherside completely unscathed so I am requesting advice on how to best apply the principles of stoicism in my situation so that I can adapt and come out a better person instead of a worse one. Any help and advice given is appreciated and even recommendations on books would be great.","Well even if a person can describe how Stoics think here, the simple truth is that you're *imminently* going to enter into this situation, so your prospect of adopting that mindset before you go is ""zero"". It sounds like you need advice that can be applied immediately. Well, it's obvious that you are making matters worse by imagining how terrible it will be and dwelling on how much you don't want to endure it. Where Stoic philosophy can help you is in the thing it claims you control even without training - your own volition, which is the things you've resolved to do or not do. With no training at all, you can resolve to commit yourself to *trying* to make the best of it, rather than fixating on all of the things you hate about it. You do control your attention, and you control the approach you intend to take to situations (even if you cannot fully execute that approach). Doing that each day, so that you've resolved to face the upcoming situation, will make you feel better about it. You will at-least not go into it kicking, screaming, and complaining. It'll still be scary, but not *as* scary - without any of the requisite reading or practice, that's as good as it's going to get. But that's pretty good. For most people, simply opting to endure difficulty rather than piss and whine through it is enough to live a pretty good life where anxieties are conquered pretty quickly.",Can anyone help me achieve a mental state or mindset that will help me get through an extremely difficult period in my life that I know will come shortly?,,general_qa 115,"Lately I feel like i guess what religious people call a crisis of faith. I follow stoic values or at least the ones I hear of. And in general try and lead the life of a decent person. But the more I go through life, especially lately, the more you find out how indecent people are. For example I know a person who complains about how no one treats him fairly and he's losing all his friends. But he tries to sleep with his friends girls. Or a guy who talks about how crap people are, yet he tries to game multiple women and hide it all from each other them. Or a girl who's boyfriend said he'll leave her if she keeps doing something, does it anyway, and then begs and cries for him not to leave when he packs his bags. It's driving me insane. To be clear, it's not so much that there is bad things in the world. My mind would be more clear if there was just evil people let's say who do evil things. I would be more okay with that. It's more of the fact that people say one thing and do another. They are a crap person themselves and complain or can't take it when crap happens to them. Just don't do the shit thing. And the thing is, they know what they're doing is bad but they do it anyways. That's what's driving me nuts. Any stoic advice for this please. I know I should be indifferent but I think I need more than that if you have any. Thanks.","This chapter of the Discourses of Epictetus should be relevant: [That We Ought Not to Be Angry with the Errors (Faults) of Others](https://standardebooks.org/ebooks/epictetus/discourses/george-long/text/book-1#chapter-1-18) And this one too: [That We Ought Not to Be Angry with Men; and What Are the Small and the Great Things Among Men](https://standardebooks.org/ebooks/epictetus/discourses/george-long/text/book-1#chapter-1-28) >And the thing is, they know what they're doing is bad but they do it anyways. That's what's driving me nuts. Epictetus claimed this is literally impossible for a human (the quote is from the second fragment i linked): >We have the fit and the not fit (duty and not duty), the profitable and the unprofitable, that which is suitable to a person and that which is not, and whatever is like these. Can then a man think that a thing is useful to him and not choose it? He cannot. (...) She thought that to indulge her passion and take vengeance on her husband was more profitable than to spare her children. It was so; but she was deceived. Show her plainly that she is deceived, and she will not do it; but so long as you do not show it, what can she follow except that which appears to herself (her opinion)? Nothing else. Why then are you angry with the unhappy woman that she has been bewildered about the most important things, and is become a viper instead of a human creature? And why not, if it is possible, rather pity, as we pity the blind and the lame, so those who are blinded and maimed in the faculties which are supreme?",I feel like I'm losing my mind. Advice needed please?,,general_qa 116,"Hoping to get a little advice. I am fairly new to stoicism, but already see that this is a philosophy that I want to try and live by. I have read medititations, the handbook, and journal in the morning and the evening, and take a walk every lunchtime just to think and meditate a bit on what I have read that day. The problem that I am finding is that outside of these times, in my normal day to day life, I am finding it very hard to practice stoicism and not not just fall back into what I nomally behave and react to life. For example, at the moment I want to focus on what is and isnt in my control and try to frame my day in that context, however as soon as I finish my journal entry and start my day I pretty much forget about thinking about what is and isnt in my control until the end of the day. So my question is, does anyone have any advise on how to keep stoic thoughs or exercises at the forfront of your mind thoughout the day? I understand that stoicism is a philosiphy that you practice, and the more you practice the better/ easier it gets, but I feel like i need little help in the practical aspect of it. Many thanks in advance.","The problem you're having is simply one of psychology - you're imagining it's possible to instruct yourself to believe something is true. This is akin to believing that a person who does not play the guitar can suddenly write and perform great music by *instructing* themselves to ""play the guitar really well"", and trying to hold the image of themselves playing the guitar really well in the front of their mind. Just as you need to actually comprehend the truths of music theory and have practiced applying it to your instrument in order to be a musician, you need to understand the truths of philosophy and have practiced applying them to your life in order to embody the axioms you believe to be true. Fortunately, testing a philosophy for truth and applying it to your life are done at the same time, in a constant evidence-based feedback cycle. Now a note in your literature - both the Meditations and the Enchiridion are dubious in that neither one presents philosophical arguments. Both are references for an already-learned Stoic, and (by design) they don't contain the learning material itself. Fortunately, both are primarily influenced by the Discourses of Epictetus (although Marcus Aurelius likely received those lessons from the actual Arrian or someone with direct lineage from Epictetus) - *that* is the book you would need to be studying. Each time it makes an argument and claims something is true, you'll be wanting to design a specific test against one specific behavior in your life to analyse the truth of it. You say you start your day then experience some kind of upset - well, you would need to identify the recurring forms of upset to which you are subject, and for each one design a *specific* alteration in your behavior that is within the capabilities of your willpower that changes your behavior to that suggested by the arguments Epictetus puts forward, to see if they really do hold. Right now, I doubt you're absolutely convinced about what is and isn't in your control - I doubt you could precisely describe what is and isn't in your control or even what is meant by ""control"" in that context, so how could you possibly apply it to your life?",Advice on how to practice stoicism throughout the day.,,general_qa 117,"What would be the relationship of a Stoic with wealth? Should one strive/work hard to make money( materialism ) or one should just sit back and relax and enjoy life because happiness is within you and not in external things ( some form of laziness ). I am currently studying to be a Finance and Tax Professional and my major motivation is money, I am interested in concepts of Finance but the motivation for my work would be to earn to sustain myself. Sometimes I feel this is not a virtuous act but at the same time if I don't work hard, I will just be idle and lazy, which is not virtuous either Please advice on this.","Luckily, the Stoics had a lot to say about wealth in relation to the good life. Cicero's *Stoic Paradoxes* might not be the worst place to start. There's a pronounced ""Cynic strain"" in Stoicism, and I'm partial to it. Rufus' *Lectures* 19 and 20 help show what I think to be the best approach.",Major Dilemma : Money and Stoicism,,general_qa 118,"Hello, about a week ago I - in a very unforeseen turn of events - was betrayed by a friend/mentor whom I have loved and respected for years. I felt emotional distress at the beginning, but quickly gained control and handled the ensuing conversation with self control and a calm and collected demeanour and mind. (Not my previous normal of even a year ago, Thank God For Stoicism!) By the end of the conversation I realised that what had been done, though disrespectful and wrong, was not done in malice, but ignorance and human immaturity. I felt sorry for him, but I also believe that because of what was done and how it was handled, that it is right that I remove him from the mentor position, and that I put some separation there. (I don't hate him, I just know that I cannot trust him right now. And he is in no mind frame to earn back trust.) Now to the point of my question; Though in the moment I felt in complete control of myself, I now find that even when I keep control of my thoughts, I find my heart grieving as if he had died. I actually had a beloved man that I looked up to, die last year and these emotional and physical responses are indistinguishable. My head feels slow and foggy, I have difficulties falling asleep, but it takes everything inside of me to get out of bed, I am constantly tired, and I will have very strong half-second bursts of emotion, where I will be fine, not thinking about anything pertaining to the subject, and suddenly I would feel an overwhelming urge to sob, and before the tears that are forming can leave my eye, the feeling has passed entirely and there is no resurrecting it. (I have had depression in the past, I don't believe this to be it.) I know stoicism is not the lack of emotion, but the reining of emotion as a tool. A servant and not a master. I guess my question is, how does one stoically process? I just feel like now, without my control, my emotional processing has been halted, and that it's coming out in other ways. How do I stoically mantle this obstacle? It's not that it's unbearable, and I know it will go away in time; I just feel like there is a better way. Thank you all for reading, and for your responses!",">I know stoicism is not the lack of emotion, but the reining of emotion as a tool. A servant and not a master. Not quite. Emotional homeostasis is a happy byproduct of Stoicism, but emotions are neither tools, servants, or masters. They are an integral part of the cognitive process that includes but are not limited to our complex social relationships. Rather, Stoicism is a philosophy that argues three things are necessary for flourishing (*eudaimonia*). These three things are knowledge of reality, logic, and ethics. A lot of people get introduced to Stoicism as a self-help tool in a roundabout way through ethics, but that's only one part. You're already considering knowledge in the sense that you recognize behavior serves the function to do the right thing, even if the product of someone else's behavior results in something very much uncomfortable for us. >I guess my question is, how does one stoically process? I just feel like now, without my control, my emotional processing has been halted, and that it's coming out in other ways. How do I stoically mantle this obstacle? It's not that it's unbearable, and I know it will go away in time; I just feel like there is a better way. There is a better way, and this series of posts lays the process out very nicely in my opinion: [Introducing Stoic Ideas](https://www.reddit.com/r/Stoicism/search/?q=%22Introducing+Stoic+Ideas%22+author%3AElAround+&include_over_18=on&restrict_sr=on&sort=new). You might consider taking the time to understand and analyze your impressions carefully and logically. You might even want to dig a little deeper and get into more broad impressions and assumptions you have about how the world works, how it ought to work, what it means to be good or bad, right or wrong, in general and regarding what people do and what you believe people ought to do. Epictetus' Discourses is a fantastic illustration of this process repeated through various scenarios, and of course Marcus Aurelius' Meditations is an illustration of one learned philosopher acting as his own court philosopher in order to help him sort his own thoughts. Many people find certain letters from Seneca to be particularly insightful, and someone might offer specific ones for you to consider.",Stoic advice on how to emotionally respond to betrayal.,,general_qa 119,"I'm struggling with rectifying the concept of controlling what is within my control with my natural desire to run/manage/control everything in my family's life. Just because you CAN control something doesn't mean you should. But if you CAN control it...shouldn't you? Example: an argument between my wife and my daughter. I know how to resolve this, shouldn't I step in? That is within my control. But it's...optional. I don't HAVE to control it. Thoughts on this? How do you think about what you try to control vs. leave alone? And what (if anything) do the Stoics say on this? Thanks to you all for all your advice and wisdom over the years.","> Example: an argument between my wife and my daughter. I know how to resolve this, shouldn't I step in? I think there's a bit of arrogance here, to assume that you can just step in and solve other people's problems for them. To assume that your perspective is so valuable in an argument that does not involve you. I struggle with this as well, so I definitely relate. I sometimes have to remind myself that the world is not waiting with bated breath for me to jump in and share my perspective. Something else you should consider is that *faster* is not always *better*. Just because you can step in and get them to stop arguing, doesn't mean the conflict will be resolved to their satisfaction. It just means a third party stuck their nose in and forced them to stop the argument, possibly without a satisfying resolution on either end. You're inserting yourself where you do not belong, and making their argument about your desire to not witness their argument. Leave them be. Your wife and daughter are their own people, not for you to control. It's hard to remember this when you're watching someone handle a situation in a way you don't approve of. If it's upsetting you, then you should try removing yourself from the situation altogether.","""Control what you can control"" as an excuse to try to control everything?",,general_qa 120,"I've dealt with depression in the past and come out mostly on top, however there is one thing which utterly drains me; the feeling of loneliness. I have good people around me in nearly all facets of life, but still I will feel alone, while not actually being alone. What stoic advice would any of you offer to help dealing with the feeling of loneliness?","There are a couple of things you could try: \*consider if you like yourself. really really like yourself. Stoicism the philosophy (this sub) is all about learning to recognise our self-worth, having self-acceptance, learning to be resilient and self-sufficient as much as possible. I'm not sure from your post if you have read many Stoic materials, but have a look around (esp Discources by Epictetus, or some more modern materials) and work on liking yourself. That means that when you are always with your own best friend and never alone. As you are finding, other people ('externals') are never enough to make you happy \*another tack is simply to accept Loneliness as a being. He will come and go in your life, that's true for most people. I was lonely for a while, even around family. My counsellor told me to accept, and the way I did that was to quite literally speak to him. So I would be in my room and Loneliness might creep in. Instead of being scared of him (which gave him power over me) I learned to say 'hello loneliness, have you come to visit me again. what have you been up to, have a seat' etc etc. Like a one-sided conversation. After a while the conversation got boring and I'd say something like 'you gotta go, I've got to have a shower, or tidy my sock drawer or do some other task' and he would go and I'd be fine.",Being alone vs feeling alone,,general_qa 121,"Hi all, I'm still new to stoicism, I've only truly been studying it for the last year. The person who introduced stoicism to me was what I considered a romantic partner for the better part of the last 3 years. He admitted to me yesterday that he's been seeing someone over the last month, despite the fact that I've been talking about our future together and he's been seemingly receptive. It's been hard to grasp that he had been untruthful to me and yet at one point I considered him a shining example of stoicism. It's hard for me to reflect on it in a healthy way, and I feel angered reading the very same stoic teachings he would show to me. I know they can help me, as they've helped me through several trials previously. I just don't know where to go from here, and I don't know how to process all the hurt and reactions I've been having. Any advice would help",The only way out of suffering is to go through it,"Feeling hurt and betrayed, finding it hard to go from here.",,general_qa 122,"I am naturally very stoic and live extremely minimal. I do not see a virtue in being minimal, i just do not desire material wealth. In modern society, people always seem to comment on this and try to act as though it is some kind of a problem - especially women who try to come into my life. I eat minimally, but enough. I usually drink only water. I hardly contact anyone. I am very content with this - i need no luxury. I write and create art. I have very little furniture - mainly books. But women seem to try cause problems over this - call me antisocial, say i need to show more emotion, say i need to decorate, say i need to relax (even tho i am), after we make love they want me to be emotional... Women will literally get mad with me because i am not reactive to things in the same way they wish to be - they get mad when i say i don't want certain possessions, or when i do not see the point in certain status symbols, etc. I can be content with pretty much anything meanwhile they will complain at me... I will interject here and say that obviously if i have a long standing relationship with a women i have been with for years then of course i will be perhaps more lenient for the sake of her happiness because of my love for her. But outside of a situation like that, i will remain laconic and firm. I find myself declining dates with women because they always expect me to break my virtues for the sake of their expediency; especially in regards to buying objects and other material aspects of life. Or when they ask for my advice and i give them Stoic advice - which they hate. Anybody else found this to be the case? Is it best to just not date for a while? How do others go about navigating these aspects of modernity whilst remaining Stoic, when it seems people actively try to go against the path?","Reminder to users that advice offered in ""Seeking Stoic Advice"" threads should be related to Stoicism. Please keep in mind the difference between advice based on Stoicism (the philosophy), and stoicism (the personality trait). The latter is not appropriate for this sub. Violations are subject to removal.",Women trying to make me go against the Stoic path...,,general_qa 123,"I am struggling to control my emotions particularly in relation to anger. This is partly because of my mental state (perhaps mainly, I don't know). I want to practice stoicism to be a better, more controlled, and (hopefully) happier person. Not just for myself but for the people around me. So my question is this. The stoic approach would be for me to learn to master my emotions and suppress my feelings of anger. However, conventional wisdom would have it that its unhealthy to to suppress my anger and that I should let it out ,not allowing it to build up inside me. I'm not violent and have never, will never,physically hurt anyone , but I knew from my own experience how emotionally scarring it can be to others. Any advice? I'm genuinely confused by this.","For starters, it's not really about ""suppressing"" your anger. Ideally, you just won't *feel* angry as often or as much when you learn to control your emotions. Controlling your emotions is learned by practicing over time. For me, it's about letting things go. In order to let things go, you have to really accept that **things happen you do not have control over, and that's okay**. Most bouts of anger come from a place of not having control (after all, if we had control we could avoid whatever is making us angry). You need to learn to accept that **we only have control over our minds**, and that getting angry about something you don't have control over is a waste of resources. I also like to bring in a bit of a Zen approach (see Zen and the Art of Happiness), which is accepting the idea that ""whatever happens is the best possible thing that could happen."" With this mentality you can begin accepting these anger-inducing events as positive challenges to you. The more you can handle them and let them slide the better you'll feel. You'll feel more in control. You'll grow emotionally from feeling like a whining toddler with a temper to a Stoic. Of course, all of this is easier said than done and it takes a lot of practice to really identify how you're feeling at a given point in time and remind yourself to ""let it go"". Remind yourself that there is no sense in letting this thing upset you. You want this bad thing to control you? That gives it even more power against you. You are in control. You control how you feel. Just have to remind ourselves as much as possible.",Anger control,,general_qa 124,"Hi all fellow Stoics. First time poster here but been following stoic principles for some years now and really looking for some thoughts and advice. First I will start by praising the stoic principles by which I live by, they have brought me success, loving family and have made me some what of a pillar in my local community. I do however sometimes feel like a fraud !!! People often mention to me how great my life is and this troubles my somewhat. I wasn't always this person, if anything my younger self was a complete loser with not one stoic principle to show of. Which always leaves me the question of how I manged to get to the situation where I am now. Luck ! Maybe, Hard work? some. I am just not sure which leaves thinking is the person I am really the person I am or just a show. Do any of you feel like this? it would be interesting to hear all your thoughts. Amor Fati","So let me get this straight: you used to be a loser, then you started reading the Stoics and applying their principles to your life with great success, and now you feel like a fraud, somehow? Do you feel like a fraud calling yourself literate, since that dumb toddler you used to be couldn't read Sartre for shit? It sounds to me like you're onto something, man. You took steps and they paid off. Now, as to luck v. work, I don't think there's a clear distinction, psychologically or practically. If you work hard, your ""luck"" will be better. Not perfect, but it'll mod your die roll. And I think you know that luck will only take you so far. The ball can get hit right to you, but if you're not prepared to catch it, what's luck worth? Step back and assess the reality of the situation. Look at the actual, physical state of the universe, unfiltered by your impressions. You're a better dude now than you were before. You're making an effort and reaping the rewards. Doesn't sound very fraudulent to me, brother.",Feeling like a Fraud,,general_qa 125,"Hello there redditors. i lost so many things including people that i love in last several years and it keeps stacking one by one when something happens i always burst out all my emotions and shut myself afterwards and try to be logical while thinking ""its the most stoic way to handle it"" but i kinda started to feel bad about it because step by step it makes me emotionless..people around me is already telling it.. I have problems about showing my real emotions since my childhood not because i feel nothing, viceversa i overfeel, but now i feel like im escaping from every situation and try to stay emotionless.. Any advice for it? Thanks in advance have a nice day.","Can you expand a bit on what you believe ""it's the most Stoic way to handle it""? Are you referring to the Hellenistic philosophy? And if so, are there any particular philosophers or notions that catch your attention the most?",Lost of a loved one,,general_qa 126,"Not a new problem. I have recently been going to college and as a freshman, I find it difficult to communicate my thoughts when asked by the professor about something. I stutter and i feel jittery. I love philosophy and I took it knowing that it will be interactive unlike other teacher to student courses. I also find it difficult to make new friends. Are there specific Stoic advices you could give me?","You might consider taking some time to analyze your impressions about what it means for your participation in a conversation to be ""good"" or ""bad,"" and what those beliefs indicate about what you think it means for things to be good or bad, right or wrong in general. Stoicism challenges you to identify and correct the errors in reasoning that lead to these distressful emotions, because they are errors in your reasoning. From my own experience with social anxiety and general anxiety, I will encourage you to give yourself permission to be patient with yourself. It takes a long time to find, unpack, and ultimately unlearn things you've always assumed are true. This series of posts is a good one I think: [Introducing Stoic Ideas](https://www.reddit.com/r/Stoicism/search/?q=%22Introducing%20Stoic%20Ideas%22%20author%3AElAround%20&include_over_18=on&restrict_sr=on&sort=new), and the FAQ and sub's resources are full of good info. I find Epictetus' Discourses to be particularly insightful as well.",Stoicism for Introverts to help us cope,,general_qa 127,"(Not really seeking for advice, looking more for an answer, but here we go) After reading about a month ago *How to be a Stoic* by Massimo Pigliucci, I kept thinking from time to time about the chapter of love. He centered more the chapter in love as in friendships and not like real love (I mean like relationships) I am curious about how a Stoic would try to find love and what is really love for a Stoic, because being me a teenager (18M) I would like to know how love works and how I should face it, either when maybe looking for it or just how I should face all of the things love carries with it.","Have you considered that the love you're describing might only be distinct from friendship because of your expectations and not because of what it actually is? Can I ask how is it fundamentally different? Maybe there's a reason love of friendship, family, and in your case fatherhood, are all covered by the same word.",Love,,general_qa 128,"I'm 36 and a journalist, or at least I used to be. After 7 years on the job, I was treated with horrible emotional abuse by my bosses, forced to undergo a humiliating Personal Improvement Plan that ended in my termination. That was in 2021. Despite my best efforts, dozens upon dozens of job interviews, getting to the second, third, and fourth round of interviews, I couldn't find another job. I freelanced as much as I could, got part-time jobs to supplement them, but none of them added up to any long-term stability. After offering some financial support over the last few years, my parents finally offered an ultimatum: they would pay for grad school in a completely new field for me. They, and my friends and partner, think this new fields plays to my strengths. Lacking any other options, and failing to come up with any alternatives on my own, I agreed. The plan makes sense on paper. Yet as I approach the beginning of classes, I am met with sudden anger that is very un-me. I get furious at my old bosses even though I know their actions were beyond my control, I get furious at myself for my career even though I know I was only making decisions with the information I had available at the time. I have made stoic values part of my life, and my partner reminds me of them regularly as I try to work through this struggle. Even though I have this new path available to me, and I should be grateful for it, I feel nothing but self-hatred and despair. Any advice for working through these feelings?","It sounds like you are working through these feelings consciously. That is what you need to do. Don't let any keyboard stoics here tell you otherwise. The truth is, we can know intellectually all we want about the dichotomy of control, or about stoic intellectual philosophy. But when it comes down to it, to real big life events, we actually have to WORK THROUGH big feeling responses. That we are having big feeling flow is NOT a failure. That IS the work of the Stoic. To have big feeling flow, and to let Reason/Awareness/Choice lead, IS the work of the Stoic. There is nothing wrong. Don't believe me? Let's have Seneca back you up on this. Where he specifically says having a feeling is not a problem, not even defined as an ""emotion"" and certainly not a failure of Reason. >An emotion, then, does not consist in being moved by the appearances of things, but in surrendering to them and following up this casual impulse. For if anyone supposes that turning pale, bursting into tears, sexual arousal, deep sighs, flashing eyes, and anything of that sort are a sign of emotion and mental state, he is mistaken and does not understand that these are merely bodily impulses.... >A man thinks himself injured, wants to be revenged, and then - being dissuaded for some reason - he quickly calms down again. I don't call this anger, but a mental impulse yielding to reason. Anger is that which overleaps reason and carries it away. So I could go into all kinds of practical advice for actually working through these feelings. But the very first thing I think is foundational here, is that *you are doing it* -- you are doing the work. And that the work is actually learning how to let these big feelings flow! For goodness sake, the modern stoic community is deeply confused here if we think there's something wrong with feelings or that we have to make them go away somehow (aversion!). In 5.25 Marcus specifically says, if there is feeling that rises up into our body, we shouldn't make it wrong or attach to it. We just allow it: >if [passions] rise into the soul by any sympathy with the body to which it is united, then we must not attempt to resist the sensation, seeing that it is of our nature; but let not the soul, for its part, add thereto the conception that the sensation is good or bad. way. I would like to offer you a reframe for this phase of your life, that you will likely see in hindsight in 10, 15 years or something - this is a massive time of growth, a massive phase of transition and character development, a massive learning phase. All the places where feelings rise loudly into your experience are learning opportunities, specifically about how to release any attachment (that reality should have gone differently) and aversion (that this feeling shouldn't be here, that it shouldn't be like this, right now). Having large feeling come up is actually a blessing - because you can work through it and then you are someone who knows how to let feeling flow without it becoming an emotion - a thing that hijacks your Reason. It can actually be fun, and enjoyable to work with big feeling once you see it as the free master class that it is :)",Letting go of anger and finding agency,,general_qa 129,"I have a wife and three children. David who's 8 and the oldest is autistic but goes to a regular school because he functions well enough. He's also gifted. We live in a house right next to a small four-way intersection. We also have a gate to the driveway. My kids all have bikes and it used to be that they could only ride their bikes on the driveway. We recently bought a new larger bike to David which means everybody traded up. Now we open up the gate and let them ride on the street as well. It can be very hard to tell David what to do and what he's allowed to. He can be reasonable but you often have to tip-toe around things or present some things in an off hand way like you just thought of something. David used to be afraid of cars which was great. He had respect for them and the concept of dying. Now he seems to have lost that. He also seems to be in a phase where it's extra hard to tell him things. Since I told him he couldn't ride **in** the intersection and only on the street in the opposite direction he's made a point of doing so. First I tried to stop him but now I let it slide because otherwise things just escalate anyway. I'm usually out there with them and I stay close to the intersection so I can easily pick up on when a car is coming. Yesterday a car came and the driver saw David and slowed down but David still made a point of riding out in front of the car several times. I told him he couldn't do that. He said ""Yes I can"". I got angry. He screamed. I took his bike. It was ugly. How the hell do I stay stoic in this? I mean, being a parent means you literally aim to control other people - to a degree anyway. And this is my kid and the risk of him getting injured we're talking about. And I can't take his bike away. It won't lead to anything. I don't expect you to advise me on autism or parenting but I'll take **any** advice I can get. Fellow aspiring stoics, hit me with what you got!","Quite a bit to unpack here. From a stoic perspective you control what you can control with the virtues in mind. If your son is at risk you have an obligation to his safety and there are elements you can control (such as consequences to his behaviours). Of course, how these work may depend on the child.",Staying stoic when my kid's life is on the line,,general_qa 130,"I've been aware of some practical exercises to apply Stoicism to daily life. However, I find myself still doubtful about which frequency would be adequate for a begginer. I also would appreciate some advices regarding journaling: can any Stoic exercise be applied to written reflections? Thanks a lot!","The most important Stoic practice is having it at hand and that comes from study and understanding the material. You can't use what isn't there and it's only a Stoic practice if it's rooted in Stoic theory. Once it's present in your mind then you work on addressing your own judgments which might take the form of journaling, talking to someone, thinking in a stricter way, and the like. Can I ask what are the practical exercises you are aware of?",How often do you practice Stoic exercises?,,general_qa 131,"Throwaway because too careful and never like to discuss things publicly. And please no advice about breaking up the marriage, just save that please. I love them thoroughly and entirely. Need some stoic advise on dealing with high emotion relationship times. Stoicism has helped greatly in my relationship but still not close to 100% (and nothing is...). Not sure if there are some mantras or practices that could help, but a typical every 3-6 month argument goes: 1. Something triggers it, simple fake example: Tension is high and we both knock over milk. 2 . They get emotional and upset, cry and say mean things: ""You are stupid you spilled the milk because you #$@!$ing clumsy."" 3. I get emotional and say mean things back: ""No you are stupid, you are !@#!ing untidy and left it there!"" Now this is where the issue is. The argument now is about me cussing at them and calling them untidy. For the next 3 days, they wont talk to me, crying, sad, sleeping on couch. To me, we were high emotions, tensions, they start cussing with accusations, and I return... I forgive them for saying I'm clumsy, what they said was a high emotional time, we were upset of the milk... But to them, now I'm the ""POS that called them untidy, this is unforgivable and now what the argument is about!"" I've seen this pattern again and again, and try to walk away. I go to stoic quotes on the reddit and internet, try to think deeply on it. Try to come to them and start healing sooner instead letting it dwell. Stoicism has helped me greatly and I would say it's taken the fuel out of a LOT of argument fires. A possible 3 day fight is over in 2 hours... I love them. But it's not perfect, and over the weekend we had another one. This time I felt like I stayed calm, explained how I felt as calm as I could. but apparently It still hurt their feelings, and now we are both hurt on day 3, and the fight is now about the higher emotion argument. This time they said I seemed mocking (I sometimes chuckle when in tense moments but thats nothing new). I'll own up to it, as I can see what they could have likely seen. Especially if they are at a 10 on emotions and I'm at a 2 and trying to leave the room... But to me is all seems like a trap. If someone yells at you, and if you yell back you are 10x more in trouble... Emotions are high and 1. 'Explaining it' has a high probability of being used against you. 2. 'Leaving' is better but also bad. 3. 'Letting them vent' seems like safest but it puts all the stress on my capabilities which I lack (on top of having my own stressors and vulnerabilities). Hoping to find a mantra, a discussion that I can come back to, to focus on. What are some of your stories? Lessons? Hoping this formats correctly.",">I've seen this pattern again and again, and try to walk away. I go to stoic quotes on the reddit and internet, try to think deeply on it. With respect, the quotes and comments you come across cannot possibly replace learning about the philosophy directly. You don't have to dedicate decades of your life or anything, but if you want to understand how Stoicism can alter your perspective so that you don't get triggered, you need to learn about what it is first. You might find [How To Think Like a Roman Emperor](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/39863499-how-to-think-like-a-roman-emperor) a helpful introduction. Using Marcus Aurelius as a vehicle for introducing Stoic topics, each chapter finishes with cognitive exercises you can start with right away. The FAQ and sub's library provide extensive information as well.",How to not fuel relationship argument fires?,,general_qa 132,"I'm looking for advice. Imagine you wake every morning, and for the entire day, your breath will smell really bad. No cure, no hope. It's not in your head. You then enter a 3 year depressive period after being ostracised by your friends, coworkers, and even yourself. Recently though, you feel slightly better, but the trauma is still there. You have accepted that you give off this smell, and need to move on with your life so that your family can thrive. You also have a small amount of hope in a cure, but you know the way to that is first getting a stable mindset, and keeping your finances up. There are days where you wish to end it. There are days in which your mind is filled with dread and overthinking, negative thoughts. But never less, u keep pushing forward. What stoic principles would you use to help you on this path?","Man, I thought you were describing my life to a T right now. I'm sure there's a good reason you choose to use an analogy to protect yourself; I would do the same thing. As far as stoic principles, I dont have any for you since Im very new to this way of living/thinking myself. What I *have* been doing is reading Ryan Holiday's book 'The Obstacle Is The Way', which I'm sure is a commonly touted book around these parts. Also heavy weight training, Meditation and Yoga regularly have been a gigantic help as well to get me out of my head and into my body and take Action. I would like to hear what others here have to say about this as well.",How would u accept living permanently ostracised?,,general_qa 133,"I love the idea of Stoic philosophy, but instead of doing things that really matter, like reviewing for an exam, or improving my skills, I procrastinate by reading and listening to materials related to Stoic philosophy. What advice could you give me, seems like I am just loving the idea but not the application.","Studying philosophy is what truly matters because it positively affects your future decisions, like whether or not to do the exam review instead of reading Stoicism. _Then wisdom always makes men fortunate: for by wisdom no man would ever err, and therefore he must act rightly and succeed, or his wisdom would be wisdom no longer. - Socrates, Euthydemus_","Instead of doing things what should really matters, I read books and listen to podcasts related to Stoic philosophy?",,general_qa 134,"Hello Stoics. I have a story from earlier this week that's 100% true. I need to know if I handled it well or I should have changed my behavior in case I'm put through this again I live in San Francisco and I was in a dangerous area at night (the tenderloin iykyk) for a meeting. After this meeting, most people hang outside the building for a few minutes to chat before going to a bar. I decided that I wanted a bit of privacy talking to my girlfriend on the phone before heading over. So I walked two blocks away and called her up. There is a group of people (male and female) across the street hanging out. My gf and I were chit-chatting before an initial man comes up to me trying to push. I politely declined. Then, a few minutes later I hear some heckling coming from across the street. I wasn't sure if it was directed my way, but ignored it. Then an empty water bottle was thrown my direction. I was not going to be intimidated so I continued to speak on the phone. Then, suddenly, two men (who were around my height and weight, 6'1"" 215) come up to me and say they'll ""take that phone off my hands."" Again, I refuse to be intimidated. I can see a group of people from my meeting walking to the bar across the street. However, one of them quickly shove a gun into my chest. Basically I said ""I'm out I'm out"" and walked away without a scratch - I even laughed while crossing the street. Because I got away so easily I feel as if they were bluffing and I could have stood my ground longer. As a stoic, I don't want to be rattled or intimidated easily. However, would it have been worth it? What if they weren't? As stoics, at gunpoint, I have this instinct to be like Tommy Shelby. But that's not realistic. It's about making smart choices. What's your advice as a stoic here? Did I handle the situation ok? Was I soft?","What's the upside to staying longer? Fighting, standing your ground in general, is about defending someone or something. Staying in danger for nothing benefits no one.","Was in a dangerous situation, looking for assurance/advice",,general_qa 135,"Been having a rough last couple weeks, seems like ive just been in a rough cycle of getting sick, needing car repairs, having a big bill that hurts my ability to save, and they seem to come just in time to take care of the old problem. Been having some trouble sleeping and been frustrated with work lately too. Looking for some quotes, passages, stoic advice, reflections, theories, etc that relate or seem targeted towards this sort of ""kicked while youre down"" feeling. From a philosopher or personal anecdote, either are welcome. Thank you in advance","Some choice quotes: ""Difficulties strengthen the mind, as labor does the body."" - Seneca ""When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive - to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love."" - Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 1, Verse 1 Personally, I find solace in practicing Yoga and engaging in breathing exercises whenever I feel anxiety creeping in. The focus isn't on pushing myself to achieve elaborate poses or perfect a sequence of movements. Instead, it's about calming the mind and tricking it into a sense of serenity. When you're poised to confront a challenge, your muscles tense, and your heart races as your mind readies the body for action. By fostering focused and rhythmic breathing, the mind interprets that all is well. The stretches that accompany these exercises further alleviate muscle tension. Once I reach this relaxed state, I delve into contemplating the vastness of space and time. I immerse myself in documentaries, books, and articles about galaxies, stars, the Earth's evolutionary history spanning millions of years, the global population, or even the multitude of people engaged in various activities at any given moment. These reflections serve as reminders of the vast scale of existence, underscoring the insignificance of my own life in comparison. My concerns begin to pale in the face of such grandeur. This period of reflection also serves as an opportune time to jot down plans for life after these problems are resolved. While the perspective is clear in the moment, we tend to forget about our worries once they dissipate. Lastly, I believe that actively enduring challenges holds intrinsic value, contributing to one's self-worth. This experience serves as a testament to our resilience, and in the grand scheme of things, it is merely a prelude to the ultimate challenge we will all face-death. Wishing you the best of luck!",Quotes/Ideas for when life seems to keep kicking you while youre down?,,general_qa 136,"Greetings fellow practicing Stoics, I'm seeking your advice on an issue that seems very minor on the surface of it, but has been really bothering me and my wife over the last few days. We are currently getting our new house renovated. My wife has been in charge of the project, and has done a splendid job so far (although I may be remiss in telling her this too often, which is my fault). I had been hands-off for the most part, only weighing in on major decisions. Recently, after a 4 week gap in which I visited the house, I noticed that some new wood had been installed in a large part of the house. The colour and type of wood really bothered me - it completely ruined the Nordic look we were going for. My wife chose it herself; both she and the designer we hired thought it looked great. Ironically, this was the one decision I had not been a part of directly (she'd invited me to the store, but I could not make it then because I thought this was something she could handle). We have been in a major argument about this for the last few days. I've been trying to get past it, but just cannot deal with this wood choice. I've accepted that I can only control what I can control, and am willing to pay the difference (a few thousand dollars) in terms of buying new wood and getting it redone. My wife completely disagrees though. She said that doing it would delay our timelines significantly and that we would be at risk of not meeting our October move in date. She also views it as an attack on her design aesthetic and said that I should have been a part of this decision if I had such strong opinions on wood. As such, I reluctantly agreed to drop this redoing idea, but just cannot get over how this has ruined the look of our house. I am trying to accept it and focus on the good things (I'm fortunate to be in a position where I can buy a house and spend money refurbishing it), but just cannot get over how it makes me feel. I guess I'm bummed to some extent because I was so reluctant to buy a house in the first place. I mainly bought it because my wife wanted one, and I wanted it to be perfect. We were aligned on how we wanted it to look, so I thought this wood selection was something she could handle. Clearly, it didn't work How can I get past this in a Stoic way? I'm annoyed with myself and my wife to some extent. I know it's minor, but I just can't reconcile with the fact that we should both be happy with the house we've spent money on.",why does she think it is good while you find it bad?,Advice on How to Deal with A (Seemingly Minor) Issue,,general_qa 137,"For context, over the past few months I've had a limerence and have obsessed over 2 people. Each one going up and down in intensity. Sometimes it dies down, and then the obsession resurfaces again every once in a while. First one still resurfaces sometimes, second one is about 70% dead but much less still gets triggered. There's a third one but it feels much more unofficial, the obsession was just as intense but dies down much unexpectedly easier, or at least so far. Nevertheless I still have the obsession. Can't say I can go a day without either having the obsessive thoughts or being concerned about this issue. Might as well just be my hormones going through the roof but either way I can just be looking at a picture or have a convo with them and they're stuck in my head for the next few days. I can't seem to shake the feeling as if I'm stuck in a cycle of turmoil. I'm just so worried that I'll crush on or obsess over just about everyone I come across throughout the next years of my life. I am definitely not intending to live with this, unless I really have to. I have some approaches (mantras) for when the obsessive thoughts arise, but they're not 100% effective all the time. And like is this ever going to end? This limerence thing feels forever. Do I really just need to accept the fact I can't erase it completely from my life? I don't want to spend the my life crushing on unrealistic nor real people everytime. And I also face the tempting urges to indulge in the things that triggers limerence such as songs, videos or pictures etc. Very much like junk food, I want it despite knowing it's bad for me. To summarise it, I'm bothered by resurfaces, the feeling of being trapped in a cycle of always crushing on people, the seemingly long lasting limerence, obsessive thoughts, temptations and the inability to accept that I can't fully erase my experiences with limerence, or if I even need to. What do you guys think? What principles can I apply for this? Any advice, solution, strategy, mantra or approach for these issues. I would also appreciate it if it's possible for you to list out some advice for each problem.","Remember that in life you ought to behave as at a banquet. Suppose that something is carried round and is opposite to you. Stretch out your hand and take a portion with decency. Suppose that it passes by you. Do not detain it. Suppose that it is not yet come to you. Do not send your desire forward to it, but wait till it is opposite to you. Do so with respect to children, so with respect to a wife, so with respect to magisterial offices, so with respect to wealth, and you will be some time a worthy partner of the banquets of the gods. But if you take none of the things which are set before you, and even despise them, then you will be not only a fellow banqueter with the gods, but also a partner with them in power. For by acting thus Diogenes and Heracleitus and those like them were deservedly divine, and were so. called. Enchiridion 15.",What would be a stoic approach or what's some advice you guys can offer for my situation?,,general_qa 138,"My time with stoicism has taught me a lot. Especially when it comes to interacting with other people who try to practice stoicism. But one thing is very clear and it's that everyone seems to have a different definition of stoicism. How is it that we're all trying to practice this way of life when we all disagree on it? So many people preach about being stoic in this community and I still see petty arguments like any other subreddit. I'll see stoic advice and some ridiculous insult of a person's character all in the same sentence. It's very disappointing. I want to discuss what stoicism really means to us and how do you define it?","Recognizing emotions and accepting them. Trying my best to control them and not let them influence my decisions. To not sabotage myself aka acting on emotions. Taking time for myself to reorganize myself, at best daily. Try to see myself and the point where I am from the outside. Asking myself questions like \how will this effect me? Just for the next 5 minutes, or for 5 years? Is it just for 5 minutes,let it go and don't look back"". Pretty much something like that.",What does Stoicism mean to you?,,general_qa 139,"I don't consider myself a stoic practitioner just yet. I've only been reading about the philosophy for a few months now. But I have noticed some positive impacts on my life from it, especially not worrying about external things I can't control. I still have self confidence/self esteem issues and am generally introverted, but I feel like I'm getting better. I have friends who genuinely care about me and want me around, something I've never had before now. But one thing missing from my life is love. Romantic love I mean. I've never had a girlfriend. And I genuinely think that, even though I have friends now, I'd still feel lonely in their company because I don't have someone by my side who loves me. There's this one girl in our group who is everything I find attractive in someone: she's smart, funny, loud, outgoing, basically everything I'm not. And I feel jealous that she has a boyfriend. Not in the vindictive sense, mind you. I don't say ""He's not good enough for her. But I am"". They're genuinely happy with each other. And I'm happy that they're happy. But at the same time I get that sense of longing. That ""I wish she was mine"" mentality. I'm just looking for general advice on this. How could I find love? Should I even seek it out?","Remember that in life you ought to behave as at a banquet. Suppose that something is carried round and is opposite to you. Stretch out your hand and take a portion with decency. Suppose that it passes by you. Do not detain it. Suppose that it is not yet come to you. Do not send your desire forward to it, but wait till it is opposite to you. Do so with respect to children, so with respect to a wife, so with respect to magisterial offices, so with respect to wealth, and you will be some time a worthy partner of the banquets of the gods. But if you take none of the things which are set before you, and even despise them, then you will be not only a fellow banqueter with the gods, but also a partner with them in power. For by acting thus Diogenes and Heracleitus and those like them were deservedly divine, and were so. called. Enchiridion 15","What is the general stoic view on seeking relationships, specifically love?",,general_qa 140,"Well, I love a girl who isn't virgin ( 22F) and I am virgin ( 25M), In India it's specifically tough for men to get sex so I am not a minority here atleast.... I love her and I do understand that virginity and stuff hardly matters, it doesn't guarantee loyalty or trustworthiness, just need some stoic advice on this as I follow stoicism.","I find it very odd and a little disconcerting that so many posts in this forum are about relationships from teenagers and young adults... but I guess I appreciate the effort you are making to reflect a bit. We first need to look at the facts and whatever the hell the actual question is that you have buried in here. Facts: * You love a girl * She isn't a virgin. * Virginity is an issue for you So first and foremost: * Does she love you back? If not, then end here because the rest is pointless. Lets assume she does love you, so you have the issue of virginity. You need to ask yourself: why SPECIFICALLY is virginity an issue for you. * There is a huge cultural component here so understand that your beliefs are not your own, they are a product of the environment and culture you were brought up in. Were you born french in france, you would have different values and this would not be an issue. * So is it a values issue for you? * If so, are those values important to you, and if so why are they important to you? * For a lot of people, they are afraid of the communities' reaction. Are you worried your friends will find out and make fun of you? Or your family? * How important is that to you and assuming that virginity is not valuable to you, is that something you will be willing to stand up and defend? In short, you need to really question yourself about extrinsic as opposed to intrinsic values and where you will choose to stand.",What would a stoic do in this scenario,,general_qa 141,"TL;DR \-Had goal of becoming financially independent/ building an automated business in order to live life on own terms \-Achieved goal but now struggles with feelings of not doing enough, loss of purpose, and motivation \-Enjoying/exploring life vs. business/financial success \-Looking for Stoic insight to help break internal loop I started writing in my journal this morning and noticed that each journal entry has a consistent theme. Usually, I pull out my journal on days when I am struggling with guilt/anxiety for not feeling accomplished, to contemplate on where my motivation has gone in recent years, or on the contrary, to talk myself into why I should be more content with my situation in life. Instead of continuing to write the same thing out to myself, I figured that I would come to Reddit to seek some Stoic advice and see if others may have some insight that may help me break my internal loop... To start, I have a great life. I am 36, in a happy marriage, have an incredible 4 month old daughter, and would consider myself financially free (for the moment, at least). I left a corporate sales career in 2018 to start my own business, with the ultimate goal to become financially free and have the ability to travel, play a big part in my future children's lives, and live life on my own terms. After college, I saved up a bit of money and traveled around the world for several years (finding odd jobs along the way to support the shoe-string budget trip) and learned that there were other ways to live besides the 9 to 5 / hustle mindset that is forced upon us in the US. After returning, with less than $10 to my name, I started a career in sales and spent the next couple of years climbing the corporate ladder, but that lesson was always in the back of my mind and after finding the right opportunity (and some inspiration from the book, The 4-Hour Workweek), I took the entrepreneurial plunge in pursuit of a life with more freedom and after a few years of ""hustling"" I achieved my goal. I currently have a mostly passive business that requires less than 4 hours of my time per week to continue operating ""as-is."" There are definitely things that I can do to improve the business, but I have somehow lost the motivation, ability to focus, and execute. I have always viewed these traits as the reasons that I have been able to accomplish any of the success that I have had, as I do not have a specific skill/specialty ie operations, marketing, engineering, etc. It has all happened because I was willing to do/try things that others wouldn't, take risks, and put myself out there - consistently, on a daily basis. When I think back on it, I am in the exact spot that I had dreamed of for most of my adult life. I have a wonderful family, I am able to spend plenty of time with my wife and new daughter, I am able to enjoy hobbies, read, travel, exercise etc. I am in the best physical shape of my life, eat healthily, do not overindulge with drugs/alcohol, and should realistically be able to remain financially free for the foreseeable future. However, I have an almost daily internal battle with myself and am constantly fighting anxiety that I am not doing enough. In the past, I have been most happy/content when I am achieving business/financial related success, but I seem to have lost the drive and motivation to make them happen. I am not optimistic about my current industry and any opportunities that I find I try to find reasons to pass on them. Daily, I find reasons to distract myself from my business ""to do"" list and am normally successful in avoiding it (gym, family time, reddit, golf, reading, meditating, random errands), even though I know that completing it will help to alleviate my anxiety. Part of me thinks that my problem is laziness and lack of discipline, but that never used to be a problem in the past... I used to wake up excited to crush the day. The other side of me feels that I need to learn how to be ""ok"" with not consistently achieving more in a financial/business sense and that I should be proud of what I have accomplished and enjoy the fruits of labor. I feel like these negative thoughts come from being in sales and having the constant grind mindset instilled into me and the culture around me (ie the ""hustle"" type influencers on social media and the types of people celebrated in our media). Both of which contradict the lessons that I have learned from traveling, my initial goal for creating a more free lifestyle, and the spiritual type realizations that I have experienced. I know deep down that there is so much more in life to explore than business/financial success, but I can't seem to shake the underlying feeling that I am not doing enough. Anyway, I understand that this may seem like the ultimate privileged problems post and I am sorry that it ended up so long, but I would love to get some insight from others that may be able to help.","How familiar are you with the fundamentals of Stoicism? The theme that's coming across in your post, very loudly, is valuing externals. And perhaps as you've found - when one does so, it's never ""enough."" The way you feel about all of this will change when you can shift what it is you value in life.",Achieved goal but now feeling lost and unmotivated,,general_qa 142,"Hello, I have been practicing Stoicism for some time now, but I need some advice on one thing. Suppose someone insults us or behaves badly to us. What mantra do you use to keep your inner peace? Next, I would like to ask. I know the Stoics said that you are in control of what you think about the situation. But how do I prevent myself from thinking anything bad about the situation, from being offended, and thus maintain my inner peace? What mantra could help me not to think of the situation as someone trying to bring me down? So far, Amor Fati comes to mind - What is this situation trying to teach me? Next, the dichotomy of control. However, I would like to get other answers to my questions. Thanks a lot and have a great day.","""This person obviously wants a fight. Why would I give them what they want?""",Mantras to keep inner peace when somebody insult us,,general_qa 143,"Hi all, I'm relatively new to Stoicism, and what triggered my interest in the philosophy was finding out my wife of 13 years (20 years together) cheated on me. We are now going through a divorce, and for a time are living together. I'm finding it very hard to suppress my anger and sadness around her and the kids. I understand that I cannot control what she did to me. I understand that I need to do my best to be virtuous. But when such terrible wounds are so fresh and raw and she's in the house already having grieved for the marriage and I'm just getting started... I'm having a lot of trouble. Especially because I'm trying to make it as easy as possible for our two children. Any advice on how to handle a situation like this through Stoic practice would be greatly appreciated!","Journal - get your thoughts out on paper or on your mobile. Exercise- the activity can shift your mind's framing of the situation and help your own wellbeing. The Obstacle is the way- what opportunities (although they may not seem like it now) could you take from this situation. Read- read about remaining calm in adversity, be inspired by other people's stories. Do not suffer imagined troubles. Write a list of everything that is happening and mark against each what is in your control and what is out of your control. Let go of the stuff out of your control- think what you can do with the things that are in your control. A quote that I draw strength from- 'You can't calm the storm so stop trying. What you can do is calm yourself. The storm will pass'.",How should a Stoic deal with co-habiting through a divorce?,,general_qa 144,"I always had the feeling I was the kind of person who takes relationships very seriously, even though I've never actually been in one. When I was depressed and voiced my concerns about being single and having trouble with finding love, people always told me I had to stop trying to find a partner and work on myself instead. All that self-love and self-improvement kind of talk, pretty much. Of course I listened and did just that, because I realised that I was unwell and clearly unfit for a relationship anyhow. Fast forward to now, I'm doing all those things people told me to do when I was depressed. I started going to therapy, began healing my emotional scars and learning to love myself, I found healthier and more enjoyable hobbies, I started volunteering to find fulfillment, I try meeting new people and making more connections. All in all, a big improvement and I'm content with where I am now. Thing is, I still feel like something is missing in my life. I get it, you can't be happy 100% of the time and life naturally has its ups and downs, so you can't expect to be perfectly happy just because you're no longer depressed. But still, despite my life being much better than it used to be, I still feel like it's just underwhelming somehow. It appears to me that the only thing that I am indeed lacking is an intimate relationship, so I started working on pursuing that. And that's when I realised just how unhappy I actually was. I realised that I was distracting myself with other things such as my career or hobbies or friends, and didn't really bother thinking about finding a partner because I felt like I wasn't ready. But now that I am ready, and am confronted with wanting to look for someone now, I can't help but worry about how much this is affecting my mood. Not sure how to formulate what exactly I want help with, but decided to just make this post and see if anyone has any stoic advice to give.","Maybe you're stuck in FOMO. Life is never totally happy or totally fair. No one ever has it all, no one's life is ever perfectly fulfilling. I worry about this idea that you think someone else is going to make you happy. That's not their job, they aren't an object that exists to make you feel whole. It's not fair to expect another person to fill a void you have within yourself. All the movies, tv shows and instagram photos make marriage/partnerships look perfect and amazing, but those are fantasies. Relationships are also a lot of compromise, arguing, and driving each other crazy. (Or worse.) There are a whole lot of people who are in relationships and wish they were single. Everyone thinks the grass is greener. Just remember, other people can leave you or die, so you can't expect them to fix you or prop you up. You have to find fulfillment in yourself. I think the best advice is to stop focusing on what you think you lack in life (this relationship) and instead just enjoy what's going right in your life. Just keep casually dating and making lots of friends and social connections. The more people you know, the more you are likely to find more people to date, and one of them might turn out to be a love match, just don't expect it to make you perfectly happy. Stoicism teaches us to love ourselves,what we offer the world, and our self development above all else. The power of choice. Chose happiness and Forget about your feelings of being single. You were born single and tomorrow you could die single. Love every moment of it. Amor Fati and you will find what you are meant to.",I'm unhappy with being single and I don't know what to do about it,,general_qa 145,"[Here's](https://www.reddit.com/r/Stoicism/comments/157h5ao/my_stepdad_said_that_stoicism_was_the_work_of_the/) the previous post I made about how my stepdad thought I was possessed when he caught me meditating. I'm feeling blindsighted right now yall. So the priest came yesterday decked out in all black and I was expecting some exorcism shit but he was actually nice and took me out to go fishing. Like we were fishing and having fun and I was explaining to him my stoic meditations and the teachings of Marcus and Seneca. Tbh he seemed understanding for the most part and didn't even judge me. After we got done fishing, it was a bit weird cause he asked if he could rebaptize me and I said fine cause he was being nice. So like I didn't want my clothes to get wet so I looked like a fucking deer trying to drink water and tbh it was really fucking uncomfortable. But anyway, we chatted about basketball and like my hobbies and shit and he dropped me back home and left. But I walk in the fucking door and I see that my bed was moved behind the fucking couch and the TV. Stepdad said he needed to make sure I wasn't doing any weird shit but I feel like this is an invasion of privacy. Like I'm at my wits end and I might lose my shit at him and try to do some unstoic business. I need advice man like I can't be here anymore. Do I leave or stick it out for the next few weeks? Also he is forcing me to cast my computer screen to the TV when I use it so he can monitor what I'm doing so I'm writing in on my phone rn so apologized for the typos. Anyways I need yalls help man. Like it's just a few more weeks but I might smack him with a rolling pin at this rate. I literally feel like a fucking fool sleeping in the living room. Please help.","I would stay if i don't have the means to leave. However, I would make sure I'm self-sufficient enough in the future so this doesn't happen. Living like this is a great practice in my opinion. Whatever feeling you have in the moment, you can soak it in. You wanted meditation, you've got it..I think the best thing to do is just leave a lot and maybe hang out at libraries and parks; you can even get in some meditation at these places. When you have to go home just read a lot or listen to music. Listening to music while dancing or cooking or cleaning always relaxes me and gets me out of any kind of negative headspace. Maybe look at it as an opportunity to practice your stoicism but leave or do something to get your mind off the situation if it gets to be too much. Another advice is to read Epictetus' Discourses Book 1 Chapter 19: ""On How We Should Bear Ourselves to Tyrants.","[UPDATE] Stepdad brought in a priest to ""help"" me -- he then moved my bed to the living room when we were gone.",,general_qa 146,"The Stoic writers talk about empathy a lot, but I don't think I feel genuine empathy. I do care about people's misfortunes and want to help them. I try to do nice things for people I know and donate to charities that I think are doing good. But it just seems like it doesn't come from genuine empathetic emotions but rather from a place of ""*this person/people suffering from X is a moral wrong that has to be corrected*"". I'm personally kind of an oddball in the empathy regard, and I wonder if this is part of the issue. All my life, I don't remember really needing to ""vent"" or have a ""shoulder to cry on"" when I'm going through something. I just want it resolved. My emotional problems, to me, are no different than a broken pipe or a car that won't start - my number one priority is fixing it so that I can get on with life. I might ask for advice on occasion (like I'm doing now) but I don't recall ever having this need to pour my feelings out to someone. I've done it before when people ask me to, but I've never found anything therapeutic about it, so I don't do it anymore. I couldn't care less if the world acknowledges and validates my feelings about a problem. In some major events (e.g. death in the family, breakup of long-term relationship, etc) I actually find it very undesirable to speak to anyone at all. People always chide me for ""bottling it up"" but that's not what I'm doing - I'm just dealing with it alone. They tell me it's not healthy and I can't properly come to terms with things unless I talk about them, but I seem to get back to the normal mood and life rhythm as fast or faster than others. That paragraph went longer than I thought, but what I'm getting to is that I think I'm ""treating others the way I want to be treated"", but the way I want to be treated is completely different than how others want to be treated. This leads to a lot of conflict when people are seeking empathy from me. I usually do what I think is the best thing for them, which is steer them towards some kind of solution. I know they don't want that, but I'm just not sure what else to do in that situation. Sometimes I just sit there and listen, but that's quite unpleasant for me - just being honest. I don't like listening to aimless bitching. I don't know how to describe why exactly it's so repugnant to me. It just makes me instantly tired and exhausted. I can't tolerate it. I've left the room before when people start with it because I can't stand to hear it (maybe it's ""empathy fatigue""? I tried to research it but only found info as it pertains to professional therapists/caregivers, not regular people). So I'm not sure how exactly I'm supposed to live. Should I try to communicate to people that I can do a lot of things for them, but genuine empathy is not one of them? Am I supposed to exhaust myself dispensing fake empathy? I understand that most people prefer that I do the latter, but *why* does that make it the right thing to do?","If people want to went, they dont need empathy on the level you want to give them. Often venting is the process to rethink something while talking loudly to oneself. But talking to oneself is something not many people can do in their mind. You are able to do it. You can sort out things by quietly talking to yourself in your thoughts but sadly most people are not able to do this. They need training or someone as the receipient. If such venting begins, they dont look for awnsers. They look to understand themselves. More on a understand what they feel and not why they feel basis. This means they vent to see their feelings. After this venting they need time to understand what they felt. At the moment they understand what they felt they either accept it and dont feel it as important or they start to evaluate the cause. At this point your empathy comes into account. But here is important to understand the diference between narcism and helpfull empathy. Based on you have an idea what is going on, you tell them what is going on and how they should act. Now you are a narcist and not empathic. Dont show them the way, lead them to see a way. If you notice that they are running in circles, ask questions. Short: Venting is not comprehending, giving steps is not helping",Lack of Genuine Empathy,,general_qa 147,"I've been losing interest in my girlfriend a long time ago. At first I didn't jump into conclusions, I just wanted to wait some time, as a stoic, to see what kind of emotion was this and how to manage it. It's been some time now and I feel I'm still with her because I don't want to hurt her feelings nor her family's since it's been 4 years. I've decided that today is the day I'll speak with her about this and probably end the relationship, but don't know if I'll be able to do it once I have the opportunity. Any advice?","Compassionate, with the aim to not hurt her feelings unnecessarily, without bringing your ego into this, and with honesty. Afaik the stoics don't speak about how to do break ups, but they preferred values like Compassion, Honesty and Humility/Humbleness (?)",How does a stoic breakup?,,general_qa 148,"Hey y'all, I'm hoping this is keeping in line with rule 2 (newbie here) I want to preface this by saying I'm not a theologian or an expert on stoicism, I'm just a 22 year old guy looking for direction and resources while I try to make an informed decision. Because I'm neither a theologian or a philosopher I will make some incorrect statements and misunderstandings so I'd love to be educated on any errors I make. I've never shared this with anyone in my personal life, so I apologize if this is too long or I ramble on too long. TL;DR at the bottom. My background in Christianity comes from growing up in the Bible Belt and being raised in the church since I was baptized as a baby. While I love the core teachings of Jesus and the way of life we're supposed to follow, I don't feel like I've truly accepted Christ as my savior. I've struggled with doubt from an early age. I would say they are pretty common doubts like miracles, creationism, literal vs. figurative interpretation, etc. I wasn't really allowed to explore these questions with the people in my life and was dealt with some pretty frustrating answers, like the classic, ""because the Bible says so"". It felt like exploring these issues was wrong and I just needed to shut up and believe. I've also noticed some of the negative aspects of Christian culture that I'm working on deconstructing now like, intolerance of others, nationalism, and political agendas tied into faith. There's so many negatives to christian culture that I find it hard to even want to associate myself with it. Like purity culture, the new satanic panic conspiracies, mega-churches, and all the big figures associated with them. My dissatisfaction with the church and the cultural issues are what led me to exploring Stoicism. As of now, I've only read ""Meditations"" and ""Letters from a Stoic"", so I'll admit I have a long path of learning ahead of me. Despite this, they have left a deep impact on me and I've found myself wanting to pursue the idea of living a stoic life and studying the philosophy. I like that there are similarities between Stoicism and Christianity that make it feel like I'm creating a positive alternative in my life, instead of creating a vacuum. Stuff like living a life of virtue, self-discipline, and not worrying about things outside of your control really appeal to me. As someone who deals with mental health issues, I can also say that I've found more resilience in myself by reading those two books than the nervous reassurance ""God will heal you from this"" that I've received in the past. I'm not expecting Stoicism to fix all my problems or magically change my life in an instant. I also know it's not without its faults, but I think that this is the next best step for what direction my life should take and I want to begin the work. So with all of that, I'd really appreciate advice on what or who I should read to learn more about stoicism and ways to implement it in my daily life, as I continue to explore this transition. TL;DR- I'm a christian debating leaving the faith because of doubt and the problematic culture and looking for resources to research stoicism before I make a switch.",you don't really have to convert to stoicism it is just a set of ideas. you can learn wisdom from it's teachings and continue to practice whichever religion you like the old stoics just reference roman and greek gods because that is what they had.,Wanting to transition from Christianity to Stoicism,,general_qa 149,"I had just started appreciating the philosophy of Stoicism. I want to take action by challenging myself, but I don't know how or what to challenge myself with.","Start reading. Discourses is the best place to start. Beyond surface level understandings, Stoicism really requires a lot of reading and re-reading to go deeper and really apply it in all aspects.",Seeking Stoic Advice,,general_qa 150,"I'm 22 and for my age I am earning a really good amount of money. The job is not laborious which is net positive but the biggest tax is that it provides no meaning to my life, i feel I'm just a number there. I'm neither happy nor unhappy with the situation as the money it provides me with allows me to have hobbies and good times outside of work. I know the stoic mindset is to not be driven by money as it is a partial indifferent but still enjoy it if you have it. But what's the stoic advice for being in a job that is well paying at such a young age but knowing deep down inside that at my age I should be looking towards trying new things and developing a meaningful career? Short version- High paying easy job at young age but no meaning in it. Stoic advice ?","Use it to build experience and financial independence, then reevaluate.",Staying in a easy high paying job knowing i can give more to the world and myself.,,general_qa 151,"I am in a great relationship with an absolutely killer woman who is now my fiance. Being in the military makes it very hard though. I got stationed in England which is 4800 miles away from my home. I wanted to do this to have the experience and story for my children, and to serve my country. We dated for almost a year before I went to basic. After that I went about 2 months without seeing her. It wasn't bad because I was distracted by sergeants yelling at me 24/7 even when we showered . She saw me at my graduation for two days then I was off to school for 4 months. My school was 4 hours away from home so she visited often. I would say probably every 2-3 weeks. We haven't seen each other for 6 months and she came over for 20 days where I proposed and we had the best time. Now I'm just deeply heartbroken. This girl means so much to me and we will stay in touch often, but for many reasons I won't be able to see her for twelve months. I just hate sleeping alone without her and I'm missing her so much. I'm on day two of her being away from me and I am feeling very somber. I just recently before she visited bought a copy of meditations. Although I'm still reading it I love everything about the stoics and what they stood for. I was just wondering if anybody had advice for me as a""new stoic"". Thank you so much and much love","I love what you wrote. I want to start by saying how happy I am that you have found someone for your life that gives you so much joy. I hope some of my advice helps you through your year. A great way to engage with pain and sadness coming from Stoicism is to remember that our emotions are a product of our judgement. And often times, I think our emotions are worth how we judge! You are not somber because this woman you love is apart from you, in a literal sense. You are somber because you have judged her company as joyful and the absence as loss. That which is your delight is now your sorrow. If you were resolved to diminish her in your eyes, that is one way you could reduce your suffering. But I get the feeling you'd far rather suffer than forget how amazing she is. (; And I don't think the goal should ever be to remove all suffering. I think we should understand why we feel what we feel. Sometimes that changes how we feel. If it doesn't, it at least reminds us that we are active agents in choosing our feelings. But it is the practice of virtue that matters. Marcus Aurelius wrote that a blazing fire makes flame and brightness out of everything that is thrown into it. This can be what your year represents to you. You mentioned how your service to country is important to you, and how you want the story for your children. Rather than lament what could be, I think if you fully embraced what is and sought to make brightness out of your discomfort, you may find it as much blessing as anything else. A year far away from one another... How could you make that part of your beautiful story? I imagine having the experience of this longing to be part of the story of love for you. What things does a virtuous man, away from his loved one, do to show his love? Instead of focusing your energy on missing her, see if you can direct it into discovering how many ways the two of you can love one another across this distance. Loss is a void. Filling it, literally, with activities and dreams is often one of the best ways to overcome. Filling it with the practice of virtue will make you feel stronger. You're putting light into darkness. When you miss her, write a beautiful letter and be excited to send it to her. This is *Amor Fati.* Find a way to love this fate, find the gifts in it.",Help with long distance (new to stoicism tag as well lol),,general_qa 152,"I'm 23 years old. I just recently had bloodwork taken. My doctor called me and mentioned my levels are on the lower side at 390. The average man my age has around 650-700. I will admit that I do have a bit of a feminine side to me. I didn't have a father figure growing up. My mom was my role model. She is genuinely such an incredible woman. She's a teacher, and goes through massive extents for others. Hence why Seneca's quote of ""You must live for others if you wish to live for yourself"" resonates with me heavily. I feel embarrassed to have lower testosterone levels. I have come here to get insight from the Stoic community. I would greatly appreciate anyone who can provide me advice.","Thread locked. Reminder to users that advice in ""Seeking Stoic Advice"" threads should be related to Stoicism.",Does having lower testosterone levels make me less of a man?,,general_qa 153,"Before you read, he did not die or anything. The title sounds a little misleading. but I have known this guy for over two years now. He and his family are moving away, and it feels like I'm losing my family. Him and his sister are like my siblings, and I love them so much. It wouldn't be so hard if I knew they would be OK, but I don't think they will. My friend suffers extensively from depression, I try helping him but the only way for me to help him is by being around him. He has told me multiple times that I am all he really has in life. I basically lived at his house with his family for a whole summer, and have been over to his house alot this year. His family is suffering though. There mom is really struggling, but also suffers from alot of issues herself. They are not in a good spot mentally at all, and I fear that I'm not going to be able to help them anymore. I love them so much, and they are all I have. I'm scared of being fully alone, because when they leave I will have no one. I am only 18 and have just started getting my life sort of together, but I don't know how to deal with this. Does anyone have any philosophers I can study that talk about this? Or any books I can read? Just any advice, because I'm honestly am at a lost here. I know it's not my job to help them, and I know that they are just holding me back, I know that this is probably for the best for me. It's just I can't let go, I don't want to let go. I know I'm not going to fully lose them, it's me not being able to help them anymore that is eating me alive. I know it's probably for the best. I just need advice on how to deal with this because I'm at a lost. How would a stoic deal with this","One thing I read in a great book yesterday was: Your friend is not and won't be suffering. You have spared them pain and suffering,yes you will feel terrible(I know,I lost a parent last year) But it will ease gradually. Just go easy on yourself. Some good books: Marcus Aurelius-Mediations. Donald Robertson-How to think like a Roman emperor. Vicktor Fankl-Man's search for meaning Epictetus-Discourses. Ryan Holiday-books/YouTube videos. All the best.",How do I deal with intense sadness about losing a best friend?,,general_qa 154,Feel free to share stories. I find that the philosophy of stoicism adds to my irritation and frustration.... although there are gems of wisdom that I always keep in mind and appreciate from the Stoics. Perhaps I shall find wisdom and advice from this? Thank you.,Yea it has. Realizing that other people's behavior is not under my control and therefore not of my concern is liberating. I concentrate on what I do control - my thoughts and actions.,Has stoicism personally helped you find peace and happiness?,,general_qa 155,"I've recently become a dad for the first time. I couldn't be happier about that fact. I love my son more than I knew I could love anything. That doesn't mean it's all been an easy ride. I'd like to think I'm pretty resilient to the challenges of parenting a newborn in the day, but the nights are a different matter. I've never been my best self when I'm tired. Last night I snapped at my wife for more or less no reason, just that it was all getting a bit much for me to take. Not badly, but enough that I wasn't particularly proud of myself. I'm not looking for advice on practical parenting. What I want to know is how do I stay stoic at 3am, when we've done everything we possibly can but he still just won't settle? Any pertinent quotes, recommended reading, or lessons from experience appreciated.","Try the on anger by Seneca, hope that helps.",Advice/reading for stoic parenting,,general_qa 156,"This is probably the hardest part in my life so far. Last week, my dad threatened mum with a knife. She wanted to leave, we, her children, helped her escape and now she is safe at my place. I cut all contact with dad because I cannot tolerate his abusive, narcissistic tendencies any longer. Last time we spoke I was full of rage ( he is denying anything happened) and I removed myself from the situation, to avoid acting out something I would later regret. This is already tough, but now I find myself constantly alone with mum, supporting her. The most important part is her safety, although I admit I am missing my privacy and peace as she is leaning on me a lot for support, when all I want is to get away from the situation. I understand this is totally not in my control. There is also a bit of friction between me and my brother re the situation, and I am letting thing be for fear that I may say something stupid and ruin our relationship. I understand I need to act rationally and accept what is not in my control. On a less stoic level, I understand I have immense anger at the moment and I have to acknowledge it and dissipate it in other ways, such as the gym. I understand the only thing I can really control in this world is my actions and my reactions. Nothing else. I also understand there is no way through this pain but right through it. (I am also in therapy so that helps a lot.) Lastly, I am slave to my words and master of my silence. Friends, advice is greatly appreciated. I am human and I learned to reach out for support. Thank you for reading.","My advice is to help her find a support group. Abuse victims often return to their abuser because after so many years of isolation and abuse they have no support group. Call around and find a meeting or support group or even something here on Reddit and help get her through the door. You too, not just her. You have a lot to process. Don't give into the desire to push all this down or that you don't need to feel these feelings.",Need stoic advice dealing with a tough situation involving my parents and domestic abuse.,,general_qa 157,"I've pretty much just come back from a party and it was just awful to be honest, the people were great, the music was fine but there was just so much drinking, I don't really go out much and this was my first party where there was proper drinking and it just shocked me, I knew that people drunk at parties but the attitude everyone had was just so nonchalant and they didn't care at all. To me it was such a horrible thing to see, it's kind if my worst fear, losing control and then seeing that no one would even really care, I get that I can drink without getting really drunk and still stay in control but I just don't like doing it regardless. The issue for me isn't that everyone is doing it or that there's pressure to join in, I don't really care about that and just stay strong and don't drink if I don't want to but its the attitude. Two of my friends got really drunk and near the end went off together, no one really gave a shit, pretty much only my girlfriend was worried about them. Yes they can make their own decisions but there should be at least some concern in my eyes. I just don't really know how to deal with this experience it's so alien to me and I don't know what a stoic would say to help me. I'm doing my best to not judge others for their choices and I'm looking back and seeing that there are things I could habe done that might have made the situation better but it's still hard to come to terms with. Any advice would be appreciated.","The stoic philosophy is interesting because when it comes to other people and their actions it really doesn't matter. Nothing is really a ""negative"" experience. What can you learn from this? What do you gain from interfering with how they want to spend their time?",I need advice on how to come to terms with this,,general_qa 158,"Hi there. I've been practicing stoicism for few months. Totally a newbie. Have been reading stuff and trying to apply in my life. But I've met with a very confusing situation which causes me anxiety also. I've been in a relationship for more than an year now. Now my gf thinks that she may identify as a polyamorous person. We started the relationship as monogamous. But it's normal for people to realize things late. Since I've been conditioned in a monogamous way, I'm having troubles to accept that she can love someone else just like she loves me at the same time. I don't like the idea of my gf being with me and loving other dudes. It's not that she already loves someone else, she says there might be a chance and she's comfortable with the idea of polyamory. So from a stoic point of view, since I love her, should I stay with her by accepting the fact that she wants to be in different relationships at the same time or should I let her go? I'm trying hard to accept the idea of Polyamary but I can't. Maybe it's because I have never been exposed to this idea and I was conditioned in monogamous way all these years. Simply I've got only two choices. I'm asking here because I, someone who's interested in practising stoicism, got confused and don't even know which direction should I go to. Couldn't make it short and thanks for taking time to read it. Hope you have an advice or tip to give. Have a nice day!","Reminder to users that advice in ""Seeking Stoic Advice"" threads should be related to Stoicism. Violations are subject to removal.",I wonder how a Stoic would deal with this,,general_qa 159,"I have a job, family, friends, single/no kids, I'm sometimes happy sometimes sad. I just don't know where I want to go in life anymore. Wondering if some stoic people here have had similar feelings and what they did? Any advice?",">I just don't know where I want to go in life anymore. ""Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"" ""That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,"" said the Cat. ""I don't much care where ..."" said Alice. ""Then it doesn't matter which way you go,"" said the Cat. -LEWIS CARROLL, Alice in Wonderland Meaning ""If a man knows not to which port he sails, no wind is favorable""_Seneca Also, don't complain, because much worse might come so easily.","Not sure what to do with my life after turning 30, anyone else?",,general_qa 160,"Firstly, saved up a ton of money to go to europe with a friend who after 3 days of being in France he decided he needed to go home. His decision roughly costed me 3k. After getting back to the states I planned another trip with another friend that is now a week away. Unfortunately, he just canceled on me. Now, both of these ""friends"" I considered to be good friends of mine so it definitely sucked to get screwed over by them especially when I don't have that many friends. I realize that I need to be thankful for the things I do have in life such as my health, my family, my small amount of friends, and the opportunity to be better everyday but I can't lie when I say I wish I had more friends or at least friends that don't routinely screw me over. Any stoic advice on not having friends/low quality friends?","""When you are looking on anyone as a friend when you do not trust him as you trust yourself, you are making a grave mistake, and have failed to grasp sufficiently the full force of true friendship."" -Seneca ""For what purpose, then, do I make a man my friend? In order to have someone for whom I may die, whom I may follow into exile, against whose death I may stake my own life, and pay the pledge, too."" -Seneca",i keep getting screwed over by friends.,,general_qa 161,"hello, I am (24 M), I find myself at a crossroads in life and would greatly appreciate your insights and advice. I'm currently torn between staying in Morocco, where I have a comfortable life, a decent job, and close proximity to my parents, or leaving my parents and my country and seeking a ""better life"" by moving to France. While Morocco provides me with stability and familiarity, it is not without its fair share of challenges. One significant issue is the frequent water shortages that occur in my area. It can be quite frustrating and inconvenient to deal with this problem regularly. Although it is a problem and it will only get worse, I think it is ""manageable"". I want to know as a Stoic, what would be the best decision to make: 1- Leave to secure a better life for me, my future wife, and my children. 2- Stay close to my parents and my home country as there's no actual reason for me to leave except to seek a better quality of life. PS: my parents are healthy, capable, and not in need of me (at the time) either physically or financially, also emotionally I think they are not in need of me (they always encourage me to do what I want, even if what I want obliges me to leave them, it is okay by them as long as I'm happy).","There is no right answer to this, and there definitely isn't a specifically Stoic one. I take it you have already been to France for an extended period of time? If not, do that before you decide to pack up and move there. As others have said, it is quite hard to just move to another country as things may not pan out how you like. However I would also say if you want to move, you should move. You can always move back, but 50 years down the road you may be in a different situation where you do not have the ability to do so and you may regret not having done it in the first place. We only get the one life, so we may as well make use of it.",Seeking Advice: Choosing Between Comfort / Family and a better quality Life,,general_qa 162,I was just promoted into a supervisor position and surprise Ive already had a employee blow up on me. I think I handled myself fairly well I stood my ground without letting myself get as angry as him. But what I'm not proud of is it's bothered me more then I thought and I've found myself ruminating on the event non stop this weekend. Does anyone have suggestions for stoic books on leadership or just advice on how to not let toxic employees bother you?,"There is no right answer to this, and there definitely isn't a specifically Stoic one. I take it you have already been to France for an extended period of time? If not, do that before you decide to pack up and move there. As others have said, it is quite hard to just move to another country as things may not pan out how you like. However I would also say if you want to move, you should move. You can always move back, but 50 years down the road you may be in a different situation where you do not have the ability to do so and you may regret not having done it in the first place. We only get the one life, so we may as well make use of it.",Help with new leadership position,,general_qa 163,"I often struggle with overthinking and anxious worry thoughts, this is part of the reason why I got into stoicism a few months back. I tell myself over and over again not to obsess over that which I can't control but I struggle to truly free myself from the burden of worrying. Usually I worry about whether someone I care about is alright, whether they are safe, and how they are feeling. But I also battle with feelings of inadequacy and even jealousy if I feel someone else is better than I when it comes to caring for and providing for those i hold close to me. Does anyone have any stoic advice for me on how to mitigate this anxiety.","Feelings are like waves, crashing on the beach of consciousness over and over. They won't ever stop coming. It is a constant struggle to release them instead of react. To swim instead of becoming overwhelmed and drowned. Breathe and understand you can't exactly control your emotions, only the reaction to them, or not. Like anything, dealing with emotion takes practice. Focus on making your own ""weaknesses"" into strengths. You sound empathic and kind. Just knowing that your feelings and uncertainty are going to come, even if they don't serve you. Keep practicing meditation and breathe when situations are difficult. Life is wrestling more than dancing. Edit: if your thoughts are creating those feelings, find a new way to identify yourself in the reality of the situations. Look outside of the original thought. Ask yourself, is this worth getting emotional over? The emotions will create a wreck if you allow yourself to accept them regarding thoughts of insecurity. You're going to be just fine, my man. Edit 2: Consider the overthinking, as the root of the overwhelming emotional waves. The thoughts that aren't rooted in reality have created a realistic mental scenario that makes our body go into a self-destructive emotional cycle. You want the best for others. What can you actually do? Become stronger and more reliable in your actions. Use emotion as fuel for your passions and you will be fulfilled, creating purposeful thoughts and action to provide for others as it seems you care a lot. Then who can blame you for being active, caring and effective in your life? You create a state of imperviousness in a way. This will break the cycle of self doubt.",Dealing with feelings of jealousy and worry,,general_qa 164,"Helle ladies and gents, a young man (24) looking for some advice. I've been following and applying Stoicism to my life for the last couple of years. It has helped me greatly during tough times but now it seems I'm in the toughest time of my life yet. I'm not here to wallow about my situation, but rather looking for advice. I'll try to tell my story in full so you guys have a good image of what is going on. Currently, I'm primarily struggling with taking care of my grandma (with my parents), she is dying and because of her mental and physical condition she behaves like a child and it's a challenge taking care of her. Besides that, I still have a heartbreak from a girl who I dearly loved (and still do). But due to circumstances, we had to break up. Previously she was the place where I could find comfort and mental peace. But now she's gone and I can't find proper rest at home I feel alone and starting to sometimes feel pessimistic about life. I understand pessimism doesn't help anybody, so I'm looking for advice so I can find peace in this situation and the strength to keep going in the best way possible. I want to take control of my life and find rest in my own home. I'm looking forward to your stories, advice, and wise words <3","If you can tell us what you have read/watched we may be able to comment on that, and point you the way towards good materials and practices, which will def. help you take control of your life and will help you to make the best choices you can, which will give you peace of mind Now, as to practicalities in your situation: *your grandma. It sounds as if she could have dementia (although we all know not to diagnose on Reddit, so that may be incorrect). Regardless, if her mental and physical health have disintegrated, then you and your family should first look for diagnosis and professional support. Once you have diagnosis, then you can get both care, and support for yourselves, and also you can contact support groups for more info on management of her conditions. While you want to provide the best care that you can, it is really important that you and your parents look after yourselves too, have regular breaks, and maintain as many connections and interests as you can, outside of the home where possible *your girlfriend. It is popularly said that we are the only person in our own life from cradle to grave. Relying upon another person for our equanimity and mental peace is an unsafe practice. Even in a relationship, we need to maintain our stability and be as self-sufficient as possible. Stoic practices help us to be self-reliant, that way we can be the best possible partner to someone else. *yourself. It is a skill that we learn in life to release others, to accept that in the end the life we have to live is our own. Stoicism helps us to identify our core values in life, and helps us to live them and make the best decisions that we can every day. That way, when we look back on events we always know we did our best and that is a great comfort.","Stoic advice is welcome for dealing with heartbreak, loneliness, death, and pessimism",,general_qa 165,"Greetings, fellow seekers of wisdom in the Stoicism forum, I come to you today seeking your insights and guidance as I grapple with a deeply personal and emotionally challenging experience. My husband and I have recently faced our third miscarriage, attributed to a genetic factor that he carries. It has been an arduous journey, and though we can have a healthy baby, it is a fresh roll of the genetic dice with each pregnancy, and so far we have been unlucky. I acknowledge the stoic principle that ""they were never yours anyway,"" suggesting that attachment to outcomes can lead to unnecessary suffering. However, I find myself struggling to fully embrace this perspective in the face of recurrent loss and the inherent sorrow it brings. The pain I feel is raw and profound, and I yearn for a stoic approach that can help me navigate this tumultuous path with greater resilience. While I deeply appreciate the philosophical teachings of Stoicism and the strength it can provide during adversity, I am humbly reaching out to you all for practical advice on how to integrate these principles into my unique circumstance. How can I reconcile my grief with the stoic perspective and find solace in these teachings? I am eager to hear your personal experiences, reflections, and any relevant stoic wisdom that can shed light on this difficult journey. I understand that life is unpredictable and that embracing virtue and maintaining inner tranquility in the face of external events is paramount. However, I seek practical guidance on how to truly embody these principles as I navigate the sorrow of recurrent miscarriage, which I am finding tremendously difficult. [P.S. No fertility recommendations, please, though I'm sure very well-intentioned - we have an excellent geneticist and this is a unique medical situation. We also have no interest in adoption - if we cannot have a biological child, we have decided to live our lives without living children].","My heart goes out to you as you navigate this difficult journey. I cannot imagine the grief that you must feel, but as humans it is natural to try to reproduce, and so it is understandable that you continue to be optimistic and to try again. Def. allow yourself to grieve your losses. There will be those in Stoicism who will say the potential child was never yours, but still you will likely have known the little one was within your body so he/she was physically yours for a while. So too, the plans and expectations that you conferred upon him or her were real, and the losses are real griefs. In time you may have a child, or maybe not. Probably no-one can tell that. You may yourselves wish to set a limit on how many times you try, how many cycles of early pregnancy then grief you are prepared to go through. And that choice may be influenced by how many weeks you go before you miscarry. Keep up your Stoic practices, keep strong, keep many different interests and other people in your life so that this issue does not identify you. You want to be loving to yourself, and a loving partner, and a person of strength and good character. These can define you and make your life worthwhile and a good life. Parenthood if it comes will be a preferred indifferent, not a statement about your value.",Seeking Stoic Guidance: Navigating Recurrent Miscarriage with a Heavy Heart,,general_qa 166,"I've just recently finished both Meditations and How to be Free (had the Encheridion and some sections of Discourses, by A. A. Long) and I've caught my self reflecting a lot on the way I had been living and how I want to going forward. I'm considering getting a note book and writing my own meditations and possibly passing it down to my kids. Has anyone here done something similar? Any advice before I start? P.S. I've been looking for Letters From a Stoic, but many reviews on Amazon mention that a couple are missing? Is there a certain edition anyone could recommend?","Consider this, are you willing to write things that would make your children and ancestors absolutely disgusted with you? Are you able to be as transparent with that objective in mind? It's not necessarily the case that this will make it harder but it can be a barrier, especially if the aim is to write lessons, we might try to add ""bows"" that aren't there. The Meditations is a very practical book in the conclusions of a Stoic however most people do not view the world the way Stoics do, we value external things higher than our own character. Part of the point of a book like this is to address those judgments.",I've been considering writing my own meditations,,general_qa 167,"People always say ""Be happy in the success of others"" but I am just not able to apply it. Instead of getting motivated by the success of other people I get demoralised. Other people succeeding not only makes me jealous, but more importantly, it reminds me of my own failure. It brings about thoughts like ""I couldn't do it but this person could. Am I just not good enough?"" Not only is this bad for my mental peace but it also disrupts any progress I've made and makes me want to give up. It also creates a sense of malice that shouldn't exist. How would a stoic deal with this and channel it to better themselves?","How are you measuring success? I am in my early 50s. I have worked my way to ... Ehh .. upper middle class. My family is by no means wealthy, nor do we go without. I would say, we are financially stable. I have 1 job I hate, and own a business which I love I have a modest home at 900 square feet. I am an honest man who runs an honest business. I sleep well at night on a clean conscious. I have a wife who I believe to be exceptionally beautiful, however, that is because I choose to see her that way. She is 5'6"", around 200 lbs, and somewhat plain looking. She has beautiful eyes, soft Mousie brown hair, her skin is as soft and smooth as a baby. She's exceptionally beautiful to me because I choose to not judge her according to the ""beauty standards"" of others. I have 4 children, some I made, some I didn't. They all love me without question. Even the one who has faltered and is making amends. I have friends with huge homes, I have friends who have the latest cars, beautiful jewelry, latest phones. Many of those friends are 1/2 a million in debt. They argue with their families about many things. Are they more successful than me? I have nearly no debt. I have a wife who I adore, and she adores me. I have kids who are little monsters, but I was too. They know they are loved and I know they love me. They will grow and learn. Check the stick by which you measure success. Be proud of your achievements. Each day, the only person you need to strive to be better than is the person you were yesterday. Find peace within yourself.",How do I suppress jealousy that stems due to the success of others?,,general_qa 168,"I have been following stoicism for under 6 months now and I'm aware of some texts regarding this and how crying is essentially a waste of time. I'm becoming better at understanding my emotions and learning not to simply act on them. But there are days like today, for whatever reason, where I just feel the desire in me to cry. It feels comparable to when I haven't masturbated for some time and I simply want a release. Not an emotional release although It could be from a build up of stress from these new ways I'm trying to handle stress since applying stoic philosophy to my life. Anyone have any advice? Is it ok to ball for a few minutes and then move on? As always, I appreciate your advice.",Yes. You are not a robot.,Is it okay to cry as a stoic?,,general_qa 169,"Hi folks! I'm normally on a pretty even keel and manage to apply the principals of stoicism, however imperfectly, to most of life's troubles as they crop up. But, to use a pretty non-stoic term, the last few days have felt cursed. It's been an absolute festival of the sort of awful stuff (both professional and private) that would normally warrant its own post. The details aren't that important, in a way, because they are pretty much all out of my control. And I'm doing all the ""right"" stuff in terms of mental health, including seeking help and support from friends, and feeling my feelings as they arrive. My questions are - What do the stoic thinkers have to say about situations like this, where things have gone thoroughly ""Book of Job""? - How have you practised stoicism during periods where multiple serious events have occurred within a couple of days? I appreciate your time reading this, and any responses you may have.","When things go really sideways for me I find solace in the thought that things really couldn't have gone any other way. At least for me the worst part of hardship isn't the hardship itself, but the ""what if"" thinking and regretting your own actions and circumstances. So thinking that what has happened is a natural and immutable part of a chain of events that begun at the birth of the universe is a huge relief on the burden of regret. I suppose it's a type of determinism, but it helps in times of deep distress.",Any stoic advice for when you're in the absolute pits?,,general_qa 170,"I try to go tot he gym Monday through Friday and take Saturday and Sunday off. Over the past 6 months I have gotten very good at keeping that fire inside of me and not skipping the gym. Not only do I want to, but I NEED to go every day. Eating right and working out help counteract the not so healthy habits in my life that I'm otherwise ok with but I may feel slightly shitty about, and it really helps with my mental state. Today I am under the weather, I did not go. I feel so bad that I didn't go, it's not that I couldn't, it's that I weighed the pros and cons of going, and I decided it wasn't worth it today, but I still feel like a let myself down, like I let the fat version of me down. Any advice from the ancient stoics about this sort of thing?",Like another comment said you either go or you don't. And since you said you were fat at a point your comment I'd assume you weren't always going to the gym so just think about how far you came. You went from not exercising at all to 6 months straight of exercising so missing one day in the grand scheme of things doesn't matter. I'd suggest you don't stress it.,Stoic approach to skipping the gym,,general_qa 171,"There's a TL:DR at the bottom. I'm someone who has suffered with mildly severe social anxiety since my teens. So I thought stoicism would be a good philosophy for combating that but also helping other aspects of my life. And I've recently started reading the basics. A current situation that is giving me low-key anxiety is the missing submarine diving for the Titanic wreck. At first I just followed the story. Hoping they would be found. But then my imagination started to run away with me. Imagining how terrifying and depressing it would be to be then right now, if they're still alive. It culminated with me, as a fucking grown man, being too anxious to sleep last night in case I had a nightmare about being trapped on board. I guess it is my tendency to dwell on existential thoughts and feelings that messed me up. My dear of death. Human evil. How vast the universe is. I just don't know how to switch off, or deal, with my natural curiosity and empathy. These sorts of situations leave me feeling disconnected from myself. My brain just shuts off and everything is foggy and doesn't feel real. I know this is called derealisation and it used to last a week or so. Now it's getting more frequent but less severe and is lasting less. Between a few days and a few minutes. So swings and roundabouts I guess. I like being an empathic person. But feel like half of my anxieties and issues stem from this. Does anyone have any advice? I've already spoken to a few doctors who just say ""manage your anxiety through lifestyle changes"" TL:DR: I tend to focus on negatives and dark thoughts which makes my brain sometimes disassociate. Is there any stoic teachings that might help with this? Thanks for any advice that comes my way.","Have you considered developing any amount of empathy for yourself, because you say you have an excessive amount but i am not really sensing that. (You can manage your anxiety through lifestyle changes, there is no quick fix and it takes a lot of time, effort, and reflection)",Stoicism vs excessive empathy,,general_qa 172,"I need help. For over a decade I've been addicted to phone/computer & internet. Scrolling through twitter to check news or being in discords talking about stocks. This has cost me easily 6-7 hours a day almost everyday. This may not be the right subreddit but if you were a stoic looking at someone who is unable to break himself off from the outside world, what advice would you give ?","stoicism teqches that we cannot control that which is outside ourselves. i have been thinking lately that perhaps the past, our past actions, fall into this category too, of things we have no control over. in my experience forgiving yourself and viewing your past actions as lessons in a school of sorts helps greatly in giving you perspective. the addictive state wants you to live in the past and try to replicate it fo the future, but the past doesnt exist anymore, and the future is yet to be. ""the past is history, the future is a mystery, and today is a gift. this is why it is called the Present"" - Master Oogway once you have forgiven yourself, and focus on learning the dichotomy of control, a space will blossom for you to make changes some practical tips: 1. put time restrictions on your devices. i use the freedom app 2. read stoic texts daily 3. read dopamine nation by Anna Lemke 4. recognize your triggers. a good way to do that is the simple word HAALT (i added an extra A) H - Hungry A - Angry A - Anxious L - Lonely T - Tired if you are feeling any of these most likely your way to self-medicate is to go to your phone or the internet. know that everything you need is inside you, but also know that it is ok to reach out to help, via this forum, a friend, a support group, and even a therapist. do not let laziness or stigma prevent you from getting the help you need. making the decision to get help is one of the few things that you can truly control best of luck and may you find Eudaemonia",Distractions,,general_qa 173,"I am from India(a status driven society, with strong familial values). I used to a be a good student, graduated from a good universtiy, got a good paying job,etc. But I always felt the pay was still low, despite being in the top earners of country, because my friends were making more. At the same time I made a few dumb decisions regarding career(like quitting my job, without another offer at hand). I was overconfident of getting another job, but reality is such that my skill levels were really low compared to competition and I was overestimating myself. So I lost my job and have been struggling to get a job since. And this has put me in massive shame: that I graduated from a good uni and still jobless. I am also heavily depressed and this makes me procrastiante a lot, and I don't even feel like putting any efforts. Am 24 and I feel like am wasting away my life, while my friends and even others are living their lives. I have ageing parents and they can't work, so I have to earn. However, am not confident of my skills, I can't go back to school, I just sleep. I feel very useless, worthless and depressed. I feel like taking up any job, but then the shame is killing me. My routine is fucked, my future seems fuvked too. I am not even doing the bare minimum, but I always wanted to be exceptional. I feel like a fraud. I am avoiding family and friends. I am new to stoicism, I tried following buddhism for sometime, but even that didn't help. I might have adhd. Nonetheless, what advice would stoics give me. How can I improve my quality of life. How to be more productive, live in less shame, and be useful to society. I was a software engineer, but I have no confidence anymore in my coding skills. I feel like a massive loser.","Hello! I will give you the formula to life. I would start with mourning and giving your shame to God. Ask for forgiveness. Then recognize that we live in a world filled with sin. Sin/Evil = Selfishness Now What counters the evil in the world? Love = Sharing That means that you my friend must do what you are doing now and share your testimony or your feelings with people who care and love you. If not then cry out to God and share with him your pain. As a stoic it's best to ""share"" this pain to people you can love and trust or to the Heavenly Father. Dwelling in the word is actually a sin because constantly thinking ""Me, Me, Me"" in life. Or ""I, I, I"" goes against the stoic foundation of a concept known as ""The art of acquiescence"" where we stop dwelling on how things could be and just accept what is not in our control and have grace and compassion. Master that and you will be more at peace with your life and then commence working towards goals. You also have to understand too that If you want more in life because you aren't happy with where you are at now. Then of course life will be more complicated, so the only way out of being where you are is working for it. Don't do yourself a disservice and the people that Love and care about you a disservice by getting rid of yourself. Remain steadfast and keep working",How to deal with shame?,,general_qa 174,"Id really like some outside stoic advice on my current situation because my mind keeps moving to the future and what if's, and truthfully, it scares me how easily it goes there instead of enjoying what is. So I met this cool chick a few months back, and that's pretty rare for me. Unfortunately, at the time I was too nervous to ask for her info. By chance, I happend to run into her again a month ago and this time I grabbed her number. After some back and forth texting we finally hung out today for a small puppy date. I found out she's moving to Cali in the fall which sucks, but I also accept. The problem comes in deeper seeded, personal struggles that I don't want to effect or influence anything. When I feel there may be attraction(and in this case I'm pretty sure there is both ways) my mind tends to race to possible outcomes and I start examining every little thing from text messages sent to pictures sent. I just want to be able to enjoy the present no matter the outcome. I struggle a lot in understanding only friendships between a man and woman due to things I went through growing up, and if friendships happens to be all this is I really want to be able to enjoy it without the expectations of something happening. A quote I read recently came to mind and prompted me to write this: ""Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you have now was once among the things you only hoped for."" -Epictetus","Great quote at the end there; another favourite stoic quote of mine - *Ask not that the events of your life should happen according to your will; instead, ask for your will to be that things should happen as they do.*",Seeking advice to settle my mind and enjoy the present.,,general_qa 175,"I've just read the Enchiridion. It made me realize that I'm often in social situations where complaining is like a sport. On the whole, these people are good and have many virtuous qualities that I aspire to gain. They are kind, hard working, and not greedy. In short I would never want to cut them out of my life. How do you manage those types of situations?","I'm not sure of the group dynamic or the type of humor they employ. As for the group I work with, I will often paraphrase Seneca when they get to complaining: ""You are bitching and complaining yet you fail to notice that the worst thing about the day is your bitching and complaining."" You could easily substitute you're for your. They wouldn't notice either way. Seneca Letter #96. Short and sweet.",What is the Stoic advice for conversational complaining?,,general_qa 176,"Hello everybody, I need some advice, or maybe just guidance perhaps. I have been studying and applying stoicism to my life for several years now. Of course I am not perfect and sometimes I forget about philosophy altogether, but I try. I constantly need reinforcement. I am getting ready to leave for Navy bootcamp in a month and I will be away from my books and my phone for 10 weeks. How can I prevent myself from slipping when I am with other people and away from stoic resources during this time. Thank you in advance.","I did 10 years in the Navy. Don't worry about that, while at boot camp just live day to day. It's not hard at all. Your days are all planned out, you're told when to sleep, when to wake up, when to eat, and you're busy mostly all day. Use the time to disconnect from all the outside shit and just go one day at a time. It goes fast.",Preparing for bootcamp.,,general_qa 177,"I'm relatively new to stoicism, but it has readily improved many aspects of my life. I've found myself much happier after finally putting a name to many of my actions and applying it to areas that needed it. However... In my job, I am the only one with the background or qualifications to work it. However, I have a co-worker and a team lead who are not qualified and no background. I have no qualm with my team lead, he is a good man and likely stoic himself, but my co-worker is very emotional, often digging at me, my suggestions, shutting me down, etc. I have tried extremely hard to remind myself it's a reflection of them, not me, and that I have no control over their reactions, but it is getting to the point they are actively interfering with my, our, work as a team, and it is getting harder to justify the behavior. I've spoken to my team lead, to no avail, and I'm wondering what stoic advice any can give to assist me better in handling this? Thank you.","Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by ignorance. First understand that it's okay to feel like that, stoicism isn't the practice of rejecting emotion but to manage it. Try speaking to the person about this, you can't control how they feel but you can say your peace of mind ""hey your (blank) actions are interfering with my work please try to stop out of sincerity"". You may come out as some what rude but Marcus Aurelius was regarded as rude but also a big figure in stoicism. It's out of control of how they fell but not what you can say to them, your mouth is completely in your control. Hope this helps!",Work related issues,,general_qa 178,"Hi, I've been loosely following stoicism for a couple years now. I feel like I'm at a point where I'd like to delve deeper into the core teachings and become a better man, a better stoic man. I'd like some guidance on where to start in terms of practical stuff I can do. I'd like any and all advice from practicing stoics. What books I can read (I've been reading meditations) I realise I need some rules and structure in my life and I'd like to deepen my understanding as well as my practice of stoicism more. Finally I'd just like to say thank you to this sub as a whole, I've always found great wisdom in here.",Have you read the FAQ?,Becoming a stoic,,general_qa 179,"Happiness comes as a byproduct of striving for Virtue. I have experienced this in life enough to know that it is true. I have also experienced my lack of Virtue or becoming focused on an outcome going awry and leading to suffering and failure. I strive every day to apply Stoic principles in all that I do. I'm working through how this (it may not) reconciles with the current literature on learning and applying complex physical skills which focus more on outcomes than techniques. If anyone here is familiar: *Motor Control and Learning by Tim Lee et.al. *Thinking Fast and Slow by Daniel Khaneman ...are a couple of the sources I am referring to. They are required reading in my job and the concepts are being applied in training across multiple disciplines in my organization. I'm mostly trying to identify if any inconsistency or contradiction is present in my (attempts at) Stoicism and my teaching of physical skills. If a student were to perceive one and question me on it I'm not sure that I am prepared to answer. If i recall Musonius Rufus has some advice on getting out of the lecture hall and into the field. I'm going to dig back into that for some potential insights though I've only read Rufus once it didn't really do much for me at the time. He wouldn't approve of my furniture. If anyone has any suggestions on where to look in the Stoic texts for help on this it would be much appreciated.","I have read Thinking Fast and Slow some years ago, and as I recall it was about some activities becoming automated (like how I don't think about the details of how to drive my car because I've been driving for years) but other processes requiring active thinking because I need to pay more attention to the detail To me this aligns very well with Stoicism, in that we read the ancient wisdom and it is new so we need to apply it, but after a while it becomes second nature to consider why something is giving us an emotional reaction and to analyse it and see what the message is. etc etc. It becomes automatic to go into 'what can I do here, and what isn't worth bothering about' mode As for your question about outcomes, as I understand it the Stoic position is not to be directly vested in outcomes. It is the process, making good choices and exercising virtue, that is of more importance. That can be applicable to business, because it allows flexibility of objectives as things change. We live in a fast changing world, and outcomes often have to be tweaked.",Technique vs. Outcome,,general_qa 180,"Hello Stoic community, I find myself in a predicament and would greatly appreciate your wisdom and insights. As a follower of Stoic philosophy, I am torn between two conflicting desires: the inclination to explore relationships with other women and the desire to remain in a relationship to my current partner, who is an amazing person and has no fault for me feeling this way. Drawing inspiration from the wisdom of ancient philosophers, I'm curious to hear your thoughts on what advice they might offer in navigating this situation. How can I apply Stoic principles to find clarity and make the most virtuous decision in this predicament? Thank you in advance for your guidance. I look forward to learning from your perspectives and insights. Additional note: Please be aware that I am a good partner as well and I have not acted on the desires, I understand that these are just desires but I am looking for clarity on this specific type of example.","Stoic principles would say that your desires are bad. Your lust for other women is just the same as the lust for money or reputation that they write so much about, it will never be satisfied and it will corrupt your rational capacity. Relationships are externals and are indifferent. They're not worth pursuing for their own sake. Loyalty, friendship and self control are what you should strive for as a Stoic.",Seeking Stoic Advice: Balancing desire for other women and commitment to a good partner,,general_qa 181,"I am struggling to stay consistent in learning about a topic I am interested in. The thing is, when I start learning about a new topic, I realise how much of it I don't know and how much I would like to know about it. Issue is that I am a bit of a perfectionist so this gap in my knowledge stresses me out and I end up moving on to a new topic (and the cycle repeats) or I give up entirely and forget all my knowledge due to lack of consistency. What are quotes or just stoic advice that helps you when you catch yourself procrastinating? How do I deal with this?","I am currently working with a procrastination coach. The experience is what got me interested in stoicism. Here is what I've learned: ""Reward process and not product."" This changed my entire perspective. By focusing solely on your future you make the task harder in the moment and harder to re-start later. While you are performing the task tell yourself ""this is hard, I do it of my own free will, and I love this process of learning"". This gives your brain a reward in the moment and keeps you in the task. When you punish yourself for everything you don't know you make the experience unenjoyable. It sounds like you reward yourself with the idea that you might someday be an expert at something, which pulls you out of learning to the next fantasy. Just look at the actual great work you are doing, and know you are getting better at learning. The ability to learn transfers to all topics. I'm sure you are great at it, you just need to say it out loud. ""I'm learning, and I'm learning to learn!""",How do you avoid procrastination?,,general_qa 182,"Work in retail and ran into someone from school it really startled me and you could visually see my anxiety, i felt like afraid and wanted to avoid this interaction. i had been thinking about them telling people about my work occupation, that im lesser and I almost had to sell that im a worthy person and my accomplishments. (I am very contempt with my job but I think about how others will interpret it) This interaction left me bothered, any stoic advice to navigate this situation and my thoughts.","If they judge you for your occupation then it's really a reflection of their personality. Your value as a person isn't defined by your title. Whether you are earning 5 figure or 8 figure salary, you matter just as much as the next person. It's usually the people unsatisfied with their own choices or shrouded in the veil of ignorance who form such low opinion of people based on a singular factor such as income or vocation. I hope you are proud of yourself for holding down a job (any job) in this economy and while the questions of status quo plague most of us, let's choose to be grateful for having the opportunity and ability to work.",Anxiety from running into people from school,,general_qa 183,Hello people. As of now my hometown is engulfed in an unfortunate events taking place. It's started on 3rd May. All normal life has come to a halt and internet is banned. There is a civil war situation going on. An ethnic clash. Even though I'm in a different state give my college entrance exam I am really worried for my family. No one is safe not even the elites guarded by securities. Insurgents have been coming down and attacking the valley from hills. I am worried for my mum my sister and my grandma my friends. I am worried and going through the exam with an unstable mind is will be a grave situation. How can I overcome this hurdle?,"From what you post, you do have a difficult external situation. Of course, practically you want to do what you can for your loved ones. Consider what is wise, what you can actually do for them Then accept (easy said, hard to do), that you have done all that you can. And concentrate on you. They will want you to pass your exams. That is your focus after you have done everything you can for them. If you have been following Stoicism for a while, you will know it is about doing your best and making the best (virtuous) choices that you can in a situation. Learning to allow your mind to concentrate on yourself and what you can do, and learning not to dwell on what is outside of your influence. You **cannot** directly stop these events, you **can** be wise as to any way you can assist these others, then you must live virtuously and be strong to assist in any way you can depending how future events play out",I'm just worried what should I do? any stoic advice?,,general_qa 184,"As the titles says, but to give some context as I've got a lot I want to ask as I hope maybe I could get some advice and help. So I've been trying to practice stoicism for a while now with varying levels of success, I've practiced journaling and other stoic techniques but after some months I've felt like my stoic practice has collapsed, as I've been suffering from depression, anxiety and thoughts of suicide ( with some attempts of suicide too)for years now and after finally recovering a year ago and being ""successful"" I've felt like I've come fall circle and have failed or fallen off the path. Im 19 and at college atm but after some setbacks I feel totally lost and in all honesty not wanting to live. I've failed my driving test a third time in a row, feel no progress in my hobbies I have like guitar and music production etc, I feel extremely anxious about failing my exams in college as if I do I might not be able to carry onto the career I want, I feel like I can't cope with adult life as I'm anxious around people, worry I can't do my job that I work at properly and feel like I always make myself look like a fool or just act stupid in general. But the TL:DR is I basically feel like I'm trapped in a rut always trying to escape depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts, I feel like I'm making progress towards my goals only to fail and end up right back at the start again. I don't know what I should do or how I could escape this pain. Anyway I'm sorry for such a long post but despite everything I do feel like I want to escape this and live in some form, I'd appreciate any advice people have here.","Amor Fati is something that comes to mind because it has helped me. Failure and success are measurements of comparison. Eliminate the comparison and you eliminate the measurement. Free yourself from the bonds of expectation and your mind is free to experience being alive. This is hard to do and takes practice. Just accept things that you feel as failures or setbacks as just another thing that happens in life. So what if you failed your driving test. That was yesterday. Today is a new day. Even if it takes you 10 times, 20 times, what does it matter? Are you defined by success and failure? No you are not. You are a human being with value because you are adding good to the world by being you.",Suffering and stuck in a rut,,general_qa 185,"I'm a 18 years old guy, attending a university from september, so I will have to leave my hometown. I live in a middle class family, I have a brother who is one year younger than me, my parents are together, but the relationship between them and my brother worsens each day, because he is the most ungrateful child in the world and my parents do not know how to be strict. I would like to explain the problems a little bit more: 1. My brother has everything on the world, but it's still not enough for him. My grandmothers gave us a car (which only he uses), my parents give him money for clothings, fuel, even for cigarette, but it's not enough for him so he works in McDonalds on weekends. My mom cooks everyday but he rarely eats his (instead he buys some shit at McDonalds or KFC). His grades are bad in school, so my parents sent him to private teachers in mathematics and english, but he didn't show up at math classes, because he thought it's useless (he will stop going to the english classes soon, because his teacher said it's pointless if he doesn't put in any effort). You would assume that at least he is not an asshole, but on top of all that he talks in the most disrespectful manner with my parents. Even his friends aren't that bad guys, I know some of them. He always had his flaws, but didn't use to be this big trash of a person. He was kinder and had good hobbies, like working out. He got his driving license in March and the situation has been this bad ever since. 2. My parents cannot handle him. I do not want to trashtalk on my parents, because then I would not differ from my brother, but I have to tell the truth to show a clear picture. My father is overweight, has a bad job but earns good money, he dropped out of school (which my brother uses as an excuse for his lack of academic skills), but he is a really kind person and worked really hard to bring up his children and I respect him for that very much (our family didn't use to live in wellfare, my father learned skills by his own, while working in 3 shifts). Unfortunatelly, my brother doesn't see any of this. 3. Finally, my mother. She always thought that the best way of rearing a child is to give him/her love, because she had a lot of troubles in her family (alcoholic father, her mother died early). Because of that, she can't punish her children really (I never was). She also doesn't have the best job in the world. She wants to give us everything and my brother takes advantage of her. It is also terrible to see that they can't team up against him, because they are weak. I also have my fair share. I was a troublesome kid, I have changed (I've been practicing stoicism for 2 years now), but I set a bad example. I think the situation has been like this for a year now. Deep inside, I feel like my inaction contributed very much to this miserable situation. I'm often viewed the smartest in the family, but I wasn't capable to teach anything to my younger brother. Today, my brother wanted to attack my father (only with bare hand), because they had an argument again (it happens much more nowadays). Despite all that, I belive I can do something (stoicism teaches that we can only control actions). Before I make up my mind on anything, I would like to ask for advices from you, dear stoics: How could I improve the my family's state? How can I use stoicism the most efficiently here? What would a stoic do?","These are not directly your issues, and you need to be mindful of personal boundaries here. Stoicism the philosophy (this sub) is primarily about living virtuously yourself, and learning how not to let 'externals' disburb your equanimity. 'Externals' includes your family, and especially the decisions made by other members of your family You have to accept that they do and say the things they do for some reason that seems right to themselves (eg your mother not being strict because of her own childhood legacy). It is not your 'job' to change their views or their actions. Your 'job' in life if you want to practice Stoicism is to live the best life you can as an individual, and you can only do this by understanding human nature and working through the best way to live the human condition. If you want to practice Stoicism you have to immerse yourself in Stoic thoughts and you do that by consuming Stoic resources eg the book links on this page, or recommendations on this sub, even finding great Stoic youtube or podcast content (always capital S Stoic, little s is an unhelpful toxic offshoot) Once you have started your journey, you will become aware that your role in your family is supportive rather than telling people what to do. You cannot fix them, and you really should not give advice unless specifically asked for. You will of course gain ideas of how you want and don't want to live your own life, but be careful even in that - the example of your mother wanting to 'fix' her childhood by parenting in a particular way demonstrates that the best of intentions can have unintended consequences.",How to deal with family problems as a stoic?,,general_qa 186,"Hello all, I have always appreciate this sub reddit and have read a fair share of stoic books and always try to apply stoicism as much as possible Today early morning. I unfortunately got assaulted on the street by homeless person. Me and my girlfriend were in a rush to get our train and a homeless man asked for some money, when I said ""no"" he seemed very enraged and started to kick something next to him. We decided to fasten our phase as we needed to get our train and also to get from the homeless man as fast as possible. Suddenly he caught up with us again, asking me why we are not giving him any money, I kindly told him I don't have any cash on me but he wouldn't give up. He started to get real annoying and began to invade my person space and trying to stop me, eventually he was in front of me and wanted to punch me on the chin. Luckily it didn't result to any sort of damage and it was a very soft punch. My girlfriend enraged and started screaming at him which scared him away The moments before the punch a lot was going through my head and I was mostly very nervous and kind of frozen. This has to do with my fear of conflict which I have been struggling with for my whole live, whenever I get in a heated conflict I don't seem to have the balls to give a small push or warn the person to back off. Getting punched today really hurt more my ego then my chin, especially as this happened in-front of my girlfriend who also scared him away as I wasn't taking any action, this also makes me not feel like a man at all. My question is what the best stoic way to overcome this situation? Its the whole day on my mind. Also I want to start dealing with my intense fear of conflict, can someone advice any good stoics teachings / books about this. And besides a mindset Would it be advised to learn any mixed martial arts to help get more confident? Thank you advance!","I'm a Stoic and a 3rd Dan in TaeKwonDo. A few years ago someone grabbed me by the neck and I punched him so hard he had to get plastic surgery to reconstruct his face. It nearly became a legal issue, but since he was clearly the instigator he didn't want to push it. Martial arts absolutely can give you the confidence to handle situations like this, but an important skill I was missing was *moderation*. In the situation you described, it's appropriate to respond with blocks, pushes, or amateur punches, but not with a professionally trained punch that was specifically developed in the Korean military to kill enemy soldiers. That is to say, I'd encourage you to learn a martial art, but before you learn how to hurt someone severely, learn how to avoid these situations or how to hurt them less severely in order to protect yourself. As for Stoicism, it clearly is useful here. Martial arts can protect the body, and Stoicism protects the mind. I understand why you feel embarrassed, but you did nothing wrong and everything turned out okay. To paraphrase Marcus Aurelius badly, you have not been harmed if you do not consider yourself harmed. Be glad the situation went as well as it did, as it could have ended with either you or your girlfriend getting hurt or the homeless guy getting hurt and you getting in legal trouble.",Coping with an assault,,general_qa 187,"I used to be able to take a lot of pride in the fact that I just worked hard on something or towards something. assignment for school? I'd make sure to get a high mark on it so I could be proud of myself and feel fulfilled. chores at home? I'd make sure to do my due diligence and do the job well and feel proud of myself. I guess one of the biggest motivators I used to have was just feeling proud of myself, but I think that I've recently developed this mindset of ""pride is poison."" I think generally, pride should not be seen as a good thing, but maybe that applies more to arrogant pride, unlike the pride that I derived some meaning from which was a useful pride. I'm sure the stoics would have thoughts on this and possibly some advice for my relationship with pride going forward, so all advice is welcome :)","Pride is good if it's in a healthy manner. Obviously arrogance is bad, but that's not what you are referring to here. The pride becomes an issue if you, for example, get a test back and did poorly; and your reaction to that would be getting upset. If it doesn't make you upset and you are able to just take that result and learn from it, then that's fine; and of course what you should be doing.",Is This Pride Bad?,,general_qa 188,"Hi, I am in a predicament and could use some guidance. My roommate, a friend of mine, has been causing some issues due to his rather combative and defensive behaviour. Those who've known him longer say this has always been the case. He often comes across as if he's entitled to everything, including always being in the right. Furthermore, his business partner, another friend of his, is working tirelessly to keep their service business afloat. Yet, my roommate appears to be more interested in watching videos in the middle of the day and running off to do more important things than staying at the business desk, meeting clients. It's as if he believes he has a right to reap the benefits without putting in the same level of effort. Additionally, his attitude towards my closest friend is quite disturbing. She voluntarily helps out with their business for minimal pay out of her goodwill and desire to assist. Yet, he accuses her of being money-motivated, which is far from the truth. In general, his communication lacks empathy; he avoids/denies his issues and feels entitled to change without changing... (Basically, he's the opposite of what I wish to be.) Anyway, I'm concerned for him. Certainly now, as I've learned that he's lost friends in the past due to his behaviour. At the same time, I'm scared to confront him directly, as I fear becoming his next target. Others seem to feel the same, as they tend to avoid him and shy away from honest conversations, foreseeing the potential for heated disputes. Neither his family nor his girlfriend seems able to make him aware of the negative impact of his actions. Because every time they confront him, the discussions are so heated it feels like the world is ending. Now they ask me (his girlfriend and my friends) to confront him because they think I'm calm enough to do that, but I'm a rather sentimental person and live with him. So, I'm turning to this community for advice. How should I handle this situation as someone who subscribes to Stoic principles? How can I make him realize that change is necessary? I appreciate any insights you can offer.","You say you subscribe to Stoic prinicples - so from the outset you know that you cannot change him, and it is unwise to give him 'advice' unless he specifically requests it Time is the teacher here, and his mistakes. He will learn that his actions or non-actions have consequences and to try to save him from them would not only be pointless but counter-productive because he will not learn. Likewise, your friend who helps out voluntarily must find her own way. Sure, have a thought out opinion that you can give if asked, but wait to be asked. You need to be clear about your personal boundaries. Sometimes doing nothing is harder than doing something, but sometimes that is the Wiser course. Maintain your virtue. If you are not sure what to do, then think of how what you do choose might be viewed in hindsight. Others may suggest different Wise and Courageous choices open to you, but my take would be that you prepare what to say if asked, but if not asked then you keep up the friendship so he has someone to turn to when he owns his need. And if keeping up the friendship is too difficult for you, then you work out how to go separate ways.",How to approach a self-centred roommate/friend: need Stoic insights,,general_qa 189,"I'm not sure what stoic philosophers thought of masturbation, and I'm wondering what they would think of things like porn and such. My highest score in No Fap was 12 days and I can't reach nor get pass it. I need wisdom or some sort of advice. I need to get rid of this illness so I reach true peace.","""I have to stop in order to be better"" is a claim, not a fact. You assume that's the case but notice what you're also saying. What are you believing about this action? That it's ""bad"" in it of itself and doing it makes you worse? Not only do you think it's an illness, you're likely blaming yourself for causing it. You think ""peace"" is on the other side of this? If you have that expectation then I wouldn't be surprised if the thing actually making you so distraught isn't the action but your guilt. It's not the action, it's the judgment. All the things you likely believe about this action are *opinions* and when those opinions change so will your actions and your peace of mind. If you'd like to change your mind then you have to learn to spot them. Your emotional response are actually your radar to finding your opinions and what things your calling ""bad"". You have the same goal but you've show that the ""weight is too heavy"". How about you lower the bar? Instead of aiming to eliminate this habit you've had for years why is going one day at a time not enough? Why is it so surprising that if you've done something 5000 times it's going to take a while before you overwrite it with some other way of being? Just some ideas. Of course take what is useful and discard the rest.",I have to stop in order to be better...,,general_qa 190,"Hey everyone! Recently I just started doing videos around stoicism and am experimenting with different ideas to grab people's attention. I was just wondering what you guys/girls think about making a series revolving around finding stoic lyrics in popular songs? There's a lot of good ones I thought about such as Frank Sinatra, J. Cole, etc... But was just curious as to how the community views it! Thanks!",Memento Mori by Lamb of God.,Advice: Song w/ Stoic Lyrics,,general_qa 191,"Hello fellow stoics. I just felt the urge to share my experience with stoicism and how I slowly deviated from it and into a more hedonistic lifestyle. After reading a post abt a guy who would listen to the audiobook version of ""The Enchiridion"" and how it changed his life. He said, he listened to it like 50 times. And how this has changed the way he dealt with things outside his control. Long story short I did the same thing, listened to the Enchiridion everytime I did my chores or prepared food. And it has in fact impacted me strongly. And then I wanted to expand my knowledge of stoicism, so I've read Seneca's books, Marcus Aurelius' Meditations, Musonius' discourses, and Epictetus' discourses too. The more I read the more captivated I was. And when I finished these works, I suddenly started to have urges to indulge in different things. And it began very slow. I would for example allow myself a day in the week in which I would eat smth pleasurable, and then as time went by, I became more premissive with excuse that I should have a bit of balance, and I started resenting myself for not adhering to the principles I thought I shouldn't transgress. And the more resentful I became the more I indulged myself in food, video games, and I even slowly stopped practicing stoic exercises to the point of reverting back to the unstoic self I was before everything. So I slowly became more affected by things outside my control, and especially people's opinions / my reputation. I became generally weaker as a man, lost control of myself, became basically a slave to fear and pleasure. And now I feel a great need to try again, but I'm very afraid to betray myself again. Any advice is appreciated. Thanks for reading through.","One quote from Marcus comes to mind. ""Don't return to philosophy as a task-master, but as patients seek out relief in a treatment of sore eyes, or a dressing for a burn, or from an ointment. Regarding it this way, you'll obey reason without putting it on display and rest easy in its care."" Returning to stoicism can be difficult, but it's important to think of it as a relief instead of a task master. It will make your life easier, not more difficult as it seems. Trust that it will help you and it's easier to stick to it. Also remember that the only time that truly matters is the present moment. It doesn't matter how long you've been away, as long as you are stoic in the present moment, you are a stoic sage.","Slowly lost my stoic ways, afraid to fail myself again",,general_qa 192,"i was a stoic person since childhood, i am not the best displayer of emotions or reactions and everybody would think of me as an apathetic dude but i have emotions, i just do not tend to show them outside. couple weeks ago i learned about my grandfather being incredibly sick that he has a risk of liver cancer. my mom and aunt have been talking about it for a while and i was listening from distance while working on my own things. and yesterday my mom randomly shouted and yelled at me for not asking if something's wrong or what is happening, as if i am not aware of the situation. i kept my cool and said that i know what is happening and i am sad for my grandpa, yet she won't understand. i guess i have to cry or be anxious all the time to be considered being aware of the situation. is there anything i can do with this situation, advice is welcome","I don't think she's necessarily asking you to react. She's most likely indirectly asking for comfort. Remember, it's not just that your grandfather is sick - it's *also* your mother nearly losing her father to cancer. Your feelings and your grandpas sickness are not the only factors at play. Your mother and aunts feelings are as well. She's most likely upset that you haven't reached out to her about it. You haven't asked how she's doing or holding up - so she may feel like you do not care. If you haven't connected with your aunt or mother, or offered to see your grandfather, they may see the distance as apathy. It's not so much that you're not emoting enough. It's that you're not emotionally connecting with them during a time where they are emotionally vunerable. Your mother will eventually lose her father. Not now, but eventually. And that is a scary prospect. She's looking to you for comfort.",my mom blamed me because i didn't show any emotion at all after learning about my grandfather's illness.,,general_qa 193,"For the past few weeks (because our friend group spent time with another friend group) I've met a girl and got to know her. We hit off pretty well, we have the same interest and we also (ironically) had a talk about philosophy and the purpose of life and so on. In those past weeks until now, I noticed that I started to develop feelings for her. And with that excitement of having a crush, there is also that fear of rejection and the possibility of it not working out. So the past few days I've had these mood swings between being excited and feeling bad (depending on if I thought whether It's going to work out or not). What bothers me about the situation is that I don't like the vulnerability that comes with it. Because when you have a crush, you are making yourself very vulnerable to their actions and responses. But I have accepted the fact that I cannot control those and that I have to be vulnerable in order to find out if a romantic relationship is gonna work out. I also know that it is normal to want a romantic relationship. Also, I notice how I am ignorant when it comes to the possibility that it won't work out. I think I have the right thoughts, and I am thinking in the right direction, and that I have the puzzle pieces. I just haven't figured out yet how to put them together in a rational/Stoic way. I am seeking for advice not to feel better, but to learn for the future. Since this is a Situation with a lot of emotions and this is a big opportunity to learn on how to be more Stoic. Thanks in advance to everyone who read this and might help me view things from another perspective. I hope you all have a nice day!",The lesson that took me a long time to learn was that it was better to get thing out in the open with stuff like this. The mental suffering we cause ourselves in not facing the possibilty of rejection is worse than the rejection itself. If she does reject you it is good in a sense as it frees you from chewing yourself up and allows you to move on healthily.,Is there a Stoic way to deal with a crush,,general_qa 194,"I (20m) have recently been introduced to Stoicism by my father. I just finished reading ""The Daily Stoic"" and would just like to hear some thoughts, opinions and tips. For background I have not been in a very good headspace mentally for the last 5 years. I feel as though my life is not good enough and I feel as if the expectations I set upon myself are too high and unrealistic. I was a valedictorian in high school and my education and intelligence has always been something I have highly valued however in my first semester in university I failed a class, went to retake it and failed again which had made me harshly question my intelligence and started quite a bad spiral for myself. I had stopped going to the gym daily, stopped eating *as healthy, and watched many relationships I had in my life crumble. I have a very loving girlfriend however I am at a point where i can only see her flaws, as well as issues such as our sex drives being complete opposites, ideals and future visions are also very different. I feel as though I am too driven by money, lust, desire and just overall wanting more out of my life and wanting my life to be successful as my parents (both doctors with multiple degrees and 3 PhDs between them). I also struggle greatly with commitment and confidence to things, I tend to quit when certain things become hard and I cannot find a solution. I know what I want to do with my life and after reading that book I have realized that to get to where I want to be in my life I need to follow Stoicism, so i guess my question is this; how does one use stoicism to get over certain issues, mainly confidence, greed, lust, and overall just becoming a better human for myself. I see lots of users on here who are very knowledgeable when it comes to advice and as I had no one else to really talk to about this I figured I would ask on here. Thank you all for reading","Remember that you must behave as at a banquet. Is anything brought round to you? Put out your hand, and take a moderate share. Does it pass you? Do not stop it. Is it not come yet? Do not yearn in desire towards it, but wait till it reaches you. So with regard to children , wife, office, riches; and you will some time or other be worthy to feast with the gods. And if you do not so much as take the things which are set before you, but are able even to forego them, then you will not only be worthy to feast with the gods, but to rule with them also. For, by thus doing, Diogenes and Heraclitus, and others like them, deservedly became divine, and were so recognized.",I have recently been introduced to Stoicism and would like some help/tips,,general_qa 195,"Long story short: my brother and his wife have been separated for a few years now. But they have a (five year old) son together whom I love more than anything on earth. But my brother, at the moment, is not very financially secure. Between having to take care of his son and paying child support to his wife, as well as taking care of a dog, he's not doing very well. And him and my dad also do not get along and they came to blows last thanksgiving getting into a proper fight. My heart aches for him, and the main reason is because I can't control the situation. I've tried coming to terms with the stoic idea that it's all outside my control but that hasn't helped much. Neither has engaging in negative visualization and thinking about the worst possible thing that could happen (my SIL gets full custody of their son and possibly takes him back to her home country while my brother is all alone, leading to him possibly killing himself). I'm just at a loss on what to do at this point and am hoping someone here can provide guidance. Or if it is outside the purview of this sub, let me know.",">I've tried coming to terms with the stoic idea that it's all outside my control but that hasn't helped much. It's not an idea. It's a fact. After which you get to choose whether to agonize over things you can't control (e.g. the future and other people) or focus on doing what you can as best you can. If you can help your brother, do that. Encourage him verbally, show him you care and let him work to improve his own situation. Help him financially if you can (unfortunately, you may discover that money weakens the bonds of love). You should remember none of these things were forced upon him, from marriage and his son, down to the dog. He picked up these responsibilities. He chose to fight your father. He is a grown man that you are not responsible for. Only he is.",Stoic advice for dealing with my brother and his current familial and financial situation?,,general_qa 196,"TLDR: How do you know when you've truly done enough as a stoic as opposed to a lack of dicipline and allowing the mental elephant to take control and surpass the riders commands? Howdy folks, I'm a 28M and I've been doing well in my stoic practices for a minute now. That being said I've ran into a new challenge. While I have a desire to do more and add things to my list, especially with exercise and chores around my home - I have been absolutely exhausted. Like tired/sleepy. It has been very frustrating as I've got the desire and drive to do more and I have plans to achieve a great deal when I get home after work. But once I'm home, its basically bed time for me. I fast the whole day until dinner time, and I have a typically physically demanding job that I do for about 10-12 hours five days a week. People in my life are telling me I have too high of a bar, and that I have every right to be tired when I get home. I can't help but to think about Marcus Aurelius and his rather detailed take on sleeping in in the morning time. He says to himself ""But we also need to rest."" - ""True, but you have had your fill."" Paraphrasing. But that sits with me often. I am unsure if I'm being lazy or if I have genuinely done enough in the day. Am I setting up too much? Am I falling short of what I am actually capable of and sucumbing to my own lack of discipline? Or am I truly and genuinely at my peak and I can and should rest and sleep? I've always struggled with relaxing and rest so I'd love to hear more input from you guys. Thanks!","From a practical standpoint you might find that you get more done by stressing yourself less. > ""True, but you have had your fill."" You quite literally *haven't* had your fill if you're not eating at all during the day, while working a physically demanding job The more interesting bit from a Stoic angle... > I have a desire to do more and add things to my list [...] I've got the desire and drive to do more and I have plans to achieve a great deal [...] I am unsure if I'm being lazy or if I have genuinely done enough in the day [...] I've always struggled with relaxing and rest [...] How do you know when you've truly done enough Where is this all coming from? This seemingly impossibly high bar of ""doing enough"" and having had a long standing theme of driving yourself too hard without resting and relaxing. The feeling like you need to ""achieve a great deal"" sounds like you're deriving a sense of goodness from external things, which wouldn't be the Stoic way. How long have you held this inner narrative that you need to do more, as opposed to doing well? What value judgements have you placed along the way? What are you judging to be ""bad"" about ""not doing enough""?",Exhausted lately & struggling to balance rest - LF stoic advice,,general_qa 197,"So I recently came back from USA, where I had a decent enough job and lifestyle, to India (Home country). Its been around 4months and I haven't yet got a job and this is making me feel anxious about my future. Even if I have basic necessities taken care off I still feel I might fail in the future or would not make it in the job market. I am working towards few courses to improve my skill set but the overall response towards any job applications are low. My predictment is that even if I get a job today would I be happy in the future or would be still be anxious about something else which lies ahead of me? I am looking for any stoic advice or any success stories of people who overcame this.","You need to understand the dynamics of landing a job in these two countries are different. USA may work with only applications, but India also needs referrals. Learn the dynamics. In the meantime, understand that being anxious won't change the situation, only make you feel worse. What you give is what you get. Give out Positivity.",Feeling Anxious about future,,general_qa 198,"I have a gambling addiction. It's hard to overcome. For those that have read meditations, did it mention anything about how a stoic would pursue gambling addiction? I'm not even sure if this was around in their time. Unfortunately the whole ""let it be it is what it is"" isn't really helping. Thanks!",Yeah. The house *always* wins.,Any stoic advice for gambling addiction?,,general_qa 199,"Context: I'm a 22 y/o brown male and 166cm (barely 5'6). It's probably confirmation bias but now all I can hear is people comparing heights and things like how ""x actor can't play a powerful role because he's only 5'6"" etc. I work in Canada where I'm often the shortest male in the room. Height has repeatedly been emphasized to me as the most important physical trait in a male for any sort of influence, dominance, or even respect. That's where it gets dark for me. I work a relatively prestigious job and this insecurity not only fuels my impostor syndrome, but it also wastes countless hours I can use virtuously. I often feel incomplete. What I've tried: Coping - I've worked out, developed social skills (and dressing sense), and earn a top percentile income. I've also added the illusion of a few extra inches by working on my V taper, adding volume to my hair, emphasizing my posture and opting for heavier shoes where possible. But these things only make me feel worse when my small height gets pointed out cause I feel like an incomplete fraud. I don't particularly like taller women and will definitely not mind a very short girl. I also realize that any girl shorter than me by 3 inches wanting a 6ft guy is only status chasing and not wifey. It still feels really bad to feel incomplete and undesirable and that I have to compensate for a blaring weakness of mine (which is a fact). Meditation - A lot of this is tied to egoic thinking which I've tried to dissuade with meditation. Not helped. Stoic ideas - Dichotomy of control (it's the same game for everyone: no one can coast on their externals and the ones that optimize the things in their control will outperform), Amor fati (enjoy the underdog story arc), negative vizualizations (I realize my height could have been a lot worse). But these don't stop the piercing pain when a comment is passed disqualifying / excluding me. I feel like I can never be a respectable figure. Why I want to improve: I feel like an asshole for worrying about this when it's my only real problem in life right now. I waste so much energy, esteem, and time on this. I realize that any sort of advice would probably boil down to some version of what I've already tried. There's probably no easier way than to fight the demons with these tools. But if something particularly helped you, I'd appreciate the insight.","People who care about height will talk about height. People who don't care about height will not be involved in those conversations. My own experience of being 5'7"" suggests that it's genuinely not that important to most people.",My height insecurity is only getting worse,,general_qa 200,"Hello everyone, I seek for your Stoic advice. Recently I decided to cut connection with my abusive father and I wonder what the Stocisim have to say about it. See abuse in the sense of Stocisim does not exists. I choose to see my father actions as abusive but I can stop seeing it like this. I really like Epictetus and in chapter 30 he says this: Duties are universally measured by relations. Is a man a father? The precept is to take care of him, to yield to him in all things, to submit when he is reproachful, when he inflicts blows. But suppose that he is a bad father. Were you then by nature made akin to a good father? No; but to a father. Does a brother wrong you? Maintain then your own position towards him, and do not examine what he is doing, but what you must do that your will shall be conformable to nature. For another will not damage you, unless you choose: but you will be damaged then when you shall think that you are damaged. In this way then you will discover your duty from the relation of a neighbour, from that of a citizen, from that of a general, if you are accustomed to contemplate the relations I really struggle to get the idea that Stocisim tells you to keep connections with people that hurts you. What is your opinion from stocisim POV? Thanks.","Therapy > Philosophy in this situation. I learned long ago they *anything* can be weaponized... Even the most perfect pearls of wisdom can be leveraged to rationalize denial, cruelty, narcissism, etc. ""Abusive"" might be in the eyes of the beholder, but the question becomes more about that ""beholder"" and whether or not they are able to care for themselves and reject toxicity.",Cutting connection with abusive father,,general_qa 201,"I apologize in advance for the vulgarity. For a year I have been studying Stoicism. On most days when the weather seems fine and I am at ease, it becomes an easy topic to get into. Something you think to yourself, ""Yes, I'm not gonna let these externals control me. I can do this."" But so often, we get hit by a horrific tragedy. Our reactions can get all over the place. It becomes hard to reflect. It becomes much harder to think straight and be the rational human we thought we already are. We would then realize that we are not so in control of ourselves as we thought. It is a very humbling experience. An experience that I am actually currently going through. I am currently in a very bad situation. My account had recently gotten hacked due to a mistake that I did and now the hacker/s are threatening to release crude pictures of myself to my friends and family. I had taken the necessary measures to block, restrict, report, and notify but recently, the hacker had sent me another threat, saying that they were going to send my pictures to the people in my entire class. I was a wreck. The whole situation had given me so much psychological and mental turmoil over the past few days that I could not focus on studying (it is currently my finals season) and I had forgotten to take care of myself (no more sleeping, showering and eating). Now, I have decided to report to the authorities but this may take days (There is another long story as to why I had to wait). During this, I realized how hard it was to be Stoic and to be rational when you are the one in the ditch. The amount of strength that you need was something I never saw in myself. It takes so much courage to face the music and admit your faults. It takes so much courage to brave into the uncertainty of the next hour, next minute, next second even. It takes so much courage to understand that this is out of my control now and the hacker/s are free to do whatever with the pictures they have acquired. I kept thinking to myself that this is just a body and everyone has one (setting it apart for what it really is), but the guilt emanating from the fear of what other people (not just anyone, but my own friends and family) could see and think has an unimaginably strong hold in my mind. It's just so, *so hard*. It's so hard to be strong.","I'm sorry to hear that. It sounds like you are in a difficult situation. I think you made a good choice by notifying the authorities. As far as Stoicism goes, just remember what is within your locus of control. Acknowledge your mistakes and learn from them. We're all just humans. I wish you well.",It is often in our hardest times that best describe how Stoic we are.,,general_qa 202,"I am as stoic as any one of you guys, but there is nothing stoicism can do to help me right now, in situations like these where it normally operates the most. I have my own movie premiere next week! Just now I got a haircut to fix the haircut I already got, that only made it worse. I look like a scruff. I hate it. Oh well, something to tell the grandkids. Not like it's a leg or something, it's only hair, it'll grow back. I just loved how it looked before but it needed a slight bit of work, but it's now fucked up. I don't even hold my hair in this much regard, I'm not a person who generally holds this much care for his looks. Normally it's situations like these where I take a deep breath and say what can you do. I'm finding it difficult right now. Any advice?","Shave your head. Did it last time I got a terrible haircut, and it's incredibly liberating, and also rather convenient. Your hair is not you. It's a pretty powerful move and taught me I'd have no issues with doing it again in the future if needs be.",Bad haircut stoicism,,general_qa 203,"I read meditations. Then I read discourses. Then I got about halfway though meditations, again. I stopped reading it when I had falling outs with my family, both immediate and further out. I've come to the conclusion that, while i definitely have my problems, everyone i talk to is a hypocrite driven by either narcissism or just general closed mindedness or both. I snapped one day in protest to perceived disrespect that I deal with on a consistent basis. I don't think its just perceived, its just so normal that it's expected to not be noticeable or something. I am not financially independent. The history there is mostly psychological abuse during childhood, being homeschooled in a neglectful and abusive environment that taught me nothing about life, although i taught myself to teach myself because at least i had an online curriculum to get me started and i built on it from there. So academically (not in reference to ancient philsophy) i am pretty educated, self educated mostly, but life skills didn't really start to become tacit until a few years on and off of homelessness and severe substance abuse and addiction, not to mention the psychological turmoil that preceded those long term events as well as were exacerbated by those long term events (homeless junkie time(s)). I've dealt with bullying, by certain people i thought were friends, by certain people that would generally be considered family, etc. I don't even have a vehicle because I granted my mother financial control over my destiny, on a psychological level, she has trained me via manipulation through fear, obligation, combining gaslighting and morality to which she suceeded in leading me to the conclusion that i am unworthy of spending my money that I earn on the future I want. This puts her in a beautiful position of power where if i don't jump tthrough her hoops and smile about it, the tumble is pretty steep via eviction or at leadt the constant threatening thereof. Step father has done more simple things like just putting me down and lying about the things he even says. This might be the wrong thread, this has a lot to do with psychological abuse. I'm also not in jail for assaulting my abusers, part of me regrets this fact, as even some of the things i read in discourses mentioned that if the proper handling of situations ends in calamity, even prison, then it might still be proper. It is obvious to me i will never get justice unless i am willing to go to prison. I spend a lot of the time looking at my past history, much of it i am quite upset with myself for, as i have made many bad decisions, not all of them hurting myself. Lately I'm literally walking around in circles, looking for work, mental issues are quite real and making it difficult, and i have reasonable objections toward medications that most people would not even think twice about in a culture where pill popping has been used to attempt to fix people since before they even hit puberty. Now a ton of people are mentally ill, go figure i wonder if there's a correlation. The hypocrisy that one may object to since i've already spent a good amount of time being a junkie and further corrupting my neural circuitry. I spend almost every waking moment, or if i'm being realistic and less dramatic at least half the time either reflecting on past failures, blunders, mistakes, etc or imagining negative things about the future. It's pathological. I make for a horribly practicing stoic. Even though i think i'm implementing some amount of what i've read. About 7 or 8 months ago it seemed like I had finally found the answer to a lot of life's questions when i started to take stoicism seriously, and now it strikes me a bit as a feeling of losing my religion even though i'm fairly convinced a lot of what stoicism offers is closer to the truth than a lot of things. Maybe even most of it. Although there are obviously certain aspects that strike me as having more to do with contemporary culture some 2000 years ago, a lot of which I don't fully understand. I've been dealing with so much stress, i will consider the possibility of it being self induced (at the very least it is consequentially self induced through prior choices if i'm not actually *choosing* the anger now), and on that hormonal/metabolic/neurological level it's doing wonders. Today, this morning, after waking up at around 2:30 in the morning and not knowing what to do but think while staring at a darkened ceiling until around 7:30, i punched my bed a few times. Then i did it again around 5 minutes later, desperately trying to remove a feeling i generally try to meditate away, with some degree of success. Punching my bed is not something i make a habit of, although the last time i did something similar was something like 2.5 months ago, and the time before that i can't remember exactly but i think a much longer stretch of time. I was definitely one of those kids that put holes in walls, and had energy drink addictions to for that matter. At this point though, i know i have cPTSD it's undiagnosed but this is more than my simple PTSD diagnosis, and it's theoretically impossible I do not have a TBI. Which might explain the anger. Not to mention the, you know, drug usage, and growing up on the doctor's personal crack stash as well, facetiously speaking of course. I have to consider the possibility that the anger may actually be a symptom of a medical condition. Or maybe the ruminating. They say nightmares are a big part of PTSD. I'm digressing. I read about psychology a lot too. So yeah this rant might subconsciously be more along the lines of ""motivate me to give enough of a shit about myself to make better decisions and maybe give me some actual advice too"". I realize the unstoic implications of much of what i've written. I take the idea seriously enough that the concepts bounce in and out of my apparently malfunctioning mind.",Do you have access to decent therapist rn? Not CBT... genuinely asking as I know psychotherapy is a privilege and getting a decent therapist nothing short of a miracle,"I'n not sure how to classify a topic for this post, but maybe uncontrolled anger.",,general_qa 204,"I've been a lurker here for years, but I don't often come seeking advice... this is one of those rare occasions. I've been reflecting a lot on my life lately since everything was turned upside-down for me a little over a year ago, and it has occurred to me that, while I can be very forgiving of others sometimes, I am typically very hard on myself. Sometimes it is for no reason, but more often than not it is for screwing something up that I honestly should not have... Like, a situation where I knew better and still made the wrong decision for some unknown reason. Is there some advice from the Stoics that addresses these issues? I desire to be more self-confident, but I keep getting in my own way when I feel like an idiot and beat myself up for days/weeks/months after making a mistake that should have been easy to avoid. Why is it so hard for me to simply let these things go?","Well I'd point out that claim ""I knew better"" because it has no supporting evidence. Would you say someone knew what 2+2 was if they shouted 5? In reality if you did actually know it would have shown in your choice. You may have been presented with the thought ""I ought to do something else"" but you dismissed it because at the time you valued the choice you made more, for whatever reason. Often times we use the information we learned from the experience to judge our actions about the experience, information we didn't have at the time. If you had the same information you have now and wouldn't have made the same choice then it's undeniable you learned something new. It's the same pride that a child has when they're shown the right answer and they say ""I knew that"". In honesty we can't let them go because our beliefs about them are fundamentally flawed and they present dangers for us in the present. ""If I know better and still make the wrong choice what does that mean for me now""! In correcting that judgment we can find calm. I'd also note if a part of you thinks you can heal then that peace of mind is already present within you because you can imagine that clarity to be true in this very moment. It's not something to attain, it's already there. Of course take what is useful and discard the rest.",Forgiving myself for mistakes I should not have made.,,general_qa 205,"I've been a stoic for a while, but one thing that has always bugged me is how to remove these ruminating and intrusive thoughts. I realize I'm focusing on things outside of my control when I let these thoughts take over, but my brain somehow tricks me into thinking if I ignore it then I won't learn from it, then I'll pay for it. These thoughts can be pretty bothersome, some even so loud that I consider suicide. It's really affecting my day to day life and it's hard to do anything without tearing myself up over it. Sometimes acknowledging how short life is soothes me for a time, but it always comes back. It's like a dull stabbing pain that you get used to after awhile, but I've been dealing with these thoughts on and off for at least 3 years. Any advice on how to end this once and for all and take control of my brain?",Don't silence but learn to observe.,How to silence intrusive thoughts?,,general_qa 206,"what are your thoughts on bad-mouthing people behind their backs? I am pretty new to stoicism and I know from the stoic standpoint it is not right to bad-mouth people. So there's this dude I've been helping out. I've been helping him financially and being there for him when he's down and out. But every time I bring up the topic of him paying me back, he totally disappears and dodges me. this person does that to everyone and when my friends were talking bad about him I couldn't help but bring up my own bad experience of him. Do you guys have any advice?","Did you help him with the expectation that he would reciprocate or pay you back? Lesson learned there Understand that people always have a reason for what they do and say, he may have been sponging off you or he may simply not be coping. If you are following Stoic practices, you will be generous in your assessment of him, and wise in your future choices.",thoughts on gossiping and bad-mouthing people,,general_qa 207,"I no longer want to be a husband material. In modern day, being a husband material is degrading, and personally, I also think bad boys do great, in life and also with girls.",">degrading In Stoic thought, it's impossible to be degraded by anything other than your own unvirtuous actions. Nothing outside of you can be degrading, so being a kind and virtuous man certainly won't be. Have you read any Stoic literature?",Need a stoic advice.,,general_qa 208,"I'm seeking advice. I think I can manage when things go wrong, more or less, and I can manage when things don't go my way. External events should not dictate my emotions after all. But I'm struggling to manage my emotions when the unfairness of the world comes from my own parents. When I'm expected more than my siblings, yet I'm given less. When I have to pick my own birthday gift, but since they are busy, also spend time buying, thinking and finding a gift for my siblings. I'm an adult now and this should not bother me, but I put so much effort and I'm taken for granted. It has been like that all my life. I feel like the son that stayed in the prodigal son, they are being celebrated, yet I'm being the one caring/working/staying behind. And this creates a version of me that I don't like, that is not good and that I struggle to control. How would a true stoic face this? Why is it so difficult? Am I being childish?",Talk to them. See what they think.,When the unfairness comes from your parents,,general_qa 209,"last feb i had breakup with my ex gf.. it was a 9 months relationship and she was my first love.. it was a cute ship but we had our ups and downs ..i didn't want to breakup but she told me that she was afraid that things woudn't work in the future and we end up hurting each other .. it ended up on a good terms but inside i didn't really accept it but i can't force it either .. she offered to stay friends because we both didn't want to lose eachother forever but i refused in that time, because i coudn't see her as a friend anymore honestly.. and she repected that.. we didn't talk for the past 3 months until yeasterday .. one of our mutual friends suggusted that we should talk and find a soulation so we don't end things forever like that.. so we talked a little and she still belive that we can be friends again and prefer to not lose me eveantually .. a part of me still refuse the idea because i still have feelings that woudn't go easily.. the other part don't really want to lose someone who loved and treated him well in the past and had a good memories with.. im honestly lost between both of them and i need some powerful wisdom","You can't ""lose"" someone that was never ""yours"" to begin with. And feelings are just that: feelings. They will come and go in time, but they are not the thing that controls you and your actions.",Breakup advice from stoic perspective,,general_qa 210,"As just above, I recently found out about stoicism after feeling depressed and burnt out from working as a physician in training. I work usually 60-70 hours a week with 1 day off and constantly on night shift, which has burnt me out. I found out about stoicism and it has helped me a lot in calming me down to deal with most of the time. However, recently, I started to work even more and right now I feel that I am about burn out when dealing with all the issues from my patients, attendings, co wokers, research projects, and bunch of presentations. I was also expected to read more to improve my knowledge on top of daily work. I really try to focus on the current moment as stoicism but still really feel stressful eith all the work now. I would love to hear any advice about stoic ways to deal with all the work that required.","My favorite phrase to come from Epictetus: Sustine et abstine. Bear and forbear. Bear in mind why you're going through all of this work right now. If your goal is to be a doctor, is what you're experiencing now worth it? Bear the hardship. You want to be a doctor - it goes without being said that it's an incredibly difficult, tiring, and stressful job. Be honest with yourself: if this is too much for you now, will you be able to handle it later? Forbear your desire to slack off, to take shortcuts, to pity yourself, to lament how busy and tired you are. None of this is useful to you or your patients.",Stoicism advices for resident doctor,,general_qa 211,"My wife lied a lot when we both met, she would make up stories, gave me a different age, say things to impress me or sound more mature. I found out a year in, then spent another two years finding out more and more, she never came clean and I would always find out the hard way. The problem is, all these stories and lies were in the past, before we met, there was a few things whilst we was together but they was nothing. But they stress me out to no end worrying if there is more or if I'm being an idiot. It's been 10 years, no more lies cropped up since the last one. She insists that was everything, but it all still bothers me. I'm paranoid and anxious, I worry about what else could be hidden or if there is more. Its not worth breaking up over as our lives are great together, so I need to handle these intrusive thoughts, how could stoicism help me forgive and move forward when these irrational fears appear? (Also please no relationship advice, I just want to understand how a stoic person gets over betrayal and paranoia)","""It's been 10 years....."" Get over it, or get help, because at this point if you can't resolve these issues within yourself then you're not just hurting yourself, you're hurting her too.",How do I get over the past?,,general_qa 212,"I have been reading a lot or stoicism, but I tend to fall back into old habits a lot. I really need advice on one topic, that has been controlling my life for a long time. To understand it, i need to describe my backstory a little bit. So, I was bullied in school. I was the really quiet girl all my life and I was always told by my family to stand up to myself and to not let them control me. I was even told to use anger and force to stop bullies. But my family was not a great example. My mother would be angry about small things and break off contact often times with people. I too, started doing this in school. It was self-protection and I did not know better, when I was 13. Now that I am older and working, I tend to stand up for myself. Meaning that I do that, when people try to overlook me or when they underestimate me, or talk down on me. It has always been this way for me. That people just tend to ignore my presence. And I think that this is because I am a quiet person. But then they also tend to test my boundaries. And i actually like to be quiet. I like be calm. I like to not fight. Every time I get overlooked now, I get really really angry. I tend to explode. And I really don't know how to handle this the stoic way. Any advice?","To be honest, what you are describing does not sound like Stoicism the philosophy to me Stoicism the philosophy (this sub) will help you to identify personal boundaries, and will teach you that the only person you can rely upon is yourself. You control your own thoughts, actions etc and what other people do or say is external and you should largely learn not to be affected by it unless there is some genuine feedback you can consider and learn from Stoicism also teaches that anger is never a helpful emotion. It is so much better to respond to events in a considered and reasoned way. Can you work out how you want to treat these people in advance, and hold a private debrief after an event that upsets you, so that you are better prepared for the next time a similar situation occurs? Seems to me that you are unduly affected by other people, and that a reading of the Stoic book Discourses could be really helpful to you. There are links on this page to a free version or you can purchase a modern version. My favourite modern version is called The Art of Living by Sharon Lebell.",Setting boundaries,,general_qa 213,"To start this I'd like to mention I am a stoic that has practiced the philosophy for a few years. With that being said, it's never a bad idea to ask for help from others. It seems for the past few years I've been dulled, activities usually end up with me being overly intoxicated, simply because if I don't blackout, I may realize how much of a bore this all really is to me, and if I let that happen I'm bound to spiral further into overthinking. Other then that I've been in a state of disillusionment (imagine being in a existential crisis but throughout everyday) I can't stop over-analyzing why I'm even doing what I'm doing, what is it's purpose? What's my purpose? If this is life, god must have no imagination, and humans must be fools for painting their eyes blue to block out the grey sky. I practice most stoic ideas, the self control one's are easy because I don't feel any satisfaction in anything anyways, being a good member of the community is also easy because nothing much matters to me, but I still feel dissatisfied, disappointed, diminished. I guess that's to be expected. The happiest I am is when I'm asleep Sometimes I dream that death is eternal sleep, I know stoics have talked about suicide being possible if you cannot live Virtuously. I know death doesn't matter so why should it be so taboo? Any advice is welcome advice Though I can't claim it will help me it might soothe my aching mind.","I just enjoy being alive. Just witnessing a fraction of time in the existence. No deeper meaning, just wonder.","Cold, Alone and Alive",,general_qa 214,"Hi there. I'm currently doing a PhD and I have almost finished my first year. I start my exams tomorrow but unfortunately I have struggled all year with a complete lack of motivation. It might be too late to be asking for advice seeing as I needed the motivation throughout the year and I'm not sure if I will make it through the exams in order to progress to the next stage of the course (the actual research stage). Seeing as it might be too late, I was about to not ask for advice, but I thought maybe the advice will be useful in life going forward, regardless of how the exams go. I think I was unmotivated because although the exams are in the same field (economics) they are not related to my research. It just feels like an unnecessary hurdle I have to overcome. The coursework is difficult of course, but I don't think it's anything I am unable to do. But every single task felt like moving a mountain. Can anyone give me some wise stoic words for dealing with this? Motivation seems to be out of my control, and without motivation, doing the smallest tasks feel almost impossible.","Why don't you ask for feedback from your supervisor? Or explore if you have to do exactly what is in your PhD description, is there any wriggle room to change it a bit? You could also take some time off. Both my daughter and her partner are doing PhDs (one in BioMed, the other in some sort of drone programming/ engineering) and they are both taking a few months off to travel later this year. So it obviously is possible in some subjects. The other suggestion I would have is to explore job opportunities. Just because you are doing a PhD doesn't mean you have to continue it, it will already look good on your resume. Can you get more into teaching? (I'm assuming there is a teaching element of your research?) You may find Stoicism the philosophy (this sub) is helpful. Explore the links on this page, or the threads on this sub.","I have almost finished the first year of my PhD, but I'm really struggling.",,general_qa 215,"Hi all, I'm new to stoicism (and this sub reddit so i'm sorry if i've chosen the wrong flair) I've been reading Donald Robertson's How To Think Like a Roman Emperor and came across the idea of 'Eudamonia'. I was hoping to share my understanding of it and get some advice on whether I am thinking in the right direction or if there is another perspective I should be considering. The section I read describes Eudamonia as the 'Stoic joy' that results from living a fulfilling and meaningful life. I related this idea to my own understanding of 'purpose' and how we feel fulfilled when we are working towards our purpose in life. In the book, it also says that this Eudamonia is a byproduct of wisdom (I would think it's the byproduct of living virtuously as a whole too). In this way, is it fair to understand that our purpose in life IS to live virtuously? Because it seems that living a fulfilling life is a result of working towards your purpose but, in stoicism, of living virtuously. Appreciate the help!",">our purpose is live is to live virtuously Yes, this is my understanding. Eudaimonia/contentment/the good life come as a result of living according to virtue. I'll just mention here that Stoic virtue is practical wisdom, and doesn't mean virtue in the sense that religions use the term.",Eudamonia & 'purpose' as a byproduct of living virtuously,,general_qa 216,"Currently, I am new to stoicism and have many thoughts I wish to share to other people and ideas. But this low self confidence in myself has made me refrain from sharing the many thoughts and ideas that I have, not only those relating to stoicism. Sometimes I overthink about something that I want to share, even as I make this post I overthink. So is there any Stoic Advice that the community can give to overcome this problem? Any would be greatly appreciated!","Just do it. Maybe you will be hailed as a genius. Maybe you will get critical comments and seen as a fool. Who knows? (Who cares?) Just do it, and feel and digest the experience. You can actively stay out of your head to be with the experience of sharing.","I have many thoughts and ideas I want to share, but I have low self confidence.",,general_qa 217,"I'm a 16yo male in hs pretty big guy, 210 lb powerlifter. I need advice on how to react to people being ""passive aggressive"" at school. I'm a pretty stoic person when it comes to people making jokes about me and other stuff but there's a lot of people at school, even my friends who do things to me like try to pinch my nipples(because I have a very muscular chest)or do something weird like that that I don't like. Whenever people do thing like this to me a take a pretty stoic approach and kind of ignore them but lately it's been getting on my nerves and I don't know how to make people stop.","For words, I'm reminded of a quote from Epictetus. He had recently been heavily criticised by another famous philosopher and his reply was: ""If he truly knew my faults, he would not have listed only those"". Self-depreciating humour can be a good way to deflect criticisms and to make it clear you don't care what they say. As for physical stuff, you absolutely have a right to defend your body from unwanted touch using proportionate force. Clearly tell them to stop and if they don't, deflect or restrain their arm.",Need some advice,,general_qa 218,"My partner often experiences and expresses stress about a great many things. She is quite sensitive about her bodily feelings and also quite preferential about things like timing and tone of voice and volume and many other things. I understand that I cannot control these things, and she also cannot control what stimuli are most apparent to her nor how they immediately affect in any given moment. But I often feel that she stresses over things that are not necessary to stress about, nor reasonable to stress about. I am watching her dog for her at her home this week, which is going well, I believe. A package from her mother was being delivered nearby while she is out of state and she wanted me to go pick it up, but it was not at the usual place we get mail. When I told her about this, she told me that that stresses her out, because she's afraid someone may have stolen it or that it wasn't there somehow. I asked her to consider the fact that we don't know if it was there or not yet. And that maybe I'll go to the other likely location of it and find it there and all the worry about it would be for nothing. But that seemed to be anathema to her because she insisted that her worry is warranted. She also expressed that because she had no control over this that that only stressed her out more, though I did not try to point out how that seems irrational to worry about things outside of your control. (I did end up getting the package anyways) Perhaps I'm wrong about these arguments, but they seem true to me. I don't feel like she needs to even agree with them, but I dislike the feeling I have when she doesn't even entertain my suggestions. But that's my problem, not hers. What I'm asking for advice on is how to handle being with someone who stresses out so much and doesn't seem to have a means of avoiding the stress or mitigating it? Part of me feels like I should not be with her if she will stress herself out and not accept help. I very much dislike her being stressed out, and a bit of my Stoic learning says that I am mistaken to let another's worries bother me so much. But another part of me feels like I would not be a good partner or friend if I'm abandoning her to her struggles. And that sympatheia is all about feeling the struggles of my fellow human being and commiserating. What do you think? Do you have suggestions for how I can handle her stress more? Am I making a mistake somehow? Thank you for reading. I hope that you are all doing well.","Commiseration, taken literally, isn't a part of Stoicism. *Enchiridion* 16 and a commentary may be helpful, as may some of the resources in the ""sex and relationships"" section of the Frequently Discussed Topics page",How much should we care for our partner's stress?,,general_qa 219,"I've really been noticing recently how much time and energy my girlfriend has been spending on being bothered by other people, which means, as a result, a lot of our ""conversation"" is her venting about these people. For example, she was telling me about her parents friends, and how many problems they have. The husband is ignorant of racism (despite his wife being Hispanic, and my girlfriends dad being Hispanic), how the wife is an alcoholic and pops pills the husband prescribes to her, how both the husband and wife treat my girlfriend and her brother as kids despite them both being in their 20s. She told me about the argument her brother and the husband got into over fantasy football and how both guys were genuinely angry and calling each other pussies and bitches. And we spent just about our entire hour long lunch break phone call talking about that (aka her talking and me listening). when we're having conversations like this, with her ranting about things, i can't help but notice how much time and energy were spending on topics that really don't matter. We could be talking about our future goals, we could be talking about things that are important or fulfilling to us. These are people who have their own problems, and aren't the types of people I would ever want to have as friends, so why talk about them for so long? I of course am not talking about her sharing her actual struggles and problems, but there's a few degrees of disconnect with this topic, and this is more gossipy. It's the type of thing where stoic advice could be quite useful for her if she found it herself, but as we all know it's not very effective or worthwhile to offer advice to others, so I'm not looking to try to point out the issues with her ways necessarily. Because of that, I'm not sure *what* to do about this. I don't want her to feel like I don't like hearing her thoughts, or that I don't want her to vent to me, but at the same time, she spends so much energy on people that don't warrant it, and it likely makes her less happy as a result.","You are projecting yourself onto her, you expect her behaviour to be more like yours. Don't you see that it's never gonna work like that? It will only create friction and separation, going down that road. She'll get over it when she is ready, if that's even a negative thing to begin with, because you are the one judging it as negative. Perhaps she thinks of it as positive.",How does a Stoic deal with a loved one spending time and energy on drama/getting upset by other people's behavior?,,general_qa 220,"Hi all, I've been looking into Stoicism for about 6 months now. I've found some aspects quite transformative, particularly the idea of dichotomy of control and also developing a journaling habit for clarity of thought. This sub has been really useful for me, so I would like to seek some advice if I may - I have to break some news to a colleague this week which will leave them extremely disappointed, possibly devastated. Delivering these kinds of messages is not a skill I have a lot of practice with and I'm wondering if anyone can think of any relevant Stoic texts / ideas I can keep in mind for the days ahead. Thank you in advance","You say you subscribe to Stoic prinicples - so from the outset you know that you cannot change him, and it is unwise to give him 'advice' unless he specifically requests it Time is the teacher here, and his mistakes. He will learn that his actions or non-actions have consequences and to try to save him from them would not only be pointless but counter-productive because he will not learn. Likewise, your friend who helps out voluntarily must find her own way. Sure, have a thought out opinion that you can give if asked, but wait to be asked. You need to be clear about your personal boundaries. Sometimes doing nothing is harder than doing something, but sometimes that is the Wiser course. Maintain your virtue. If you are not sure what to do, then think of how what you do choose might be viewed in hindsight. Others may suggest different Wise and Courageous choices open to you, but my take would be that you prepare what to say if asked, but if not asked then you keep up the friendship so he has someone to turn to when he owns his need. And if keeping up the friendship is too difficult for you, then you work out how to go separate ways.",Breaking bad news,,general_qa 221,"So I'm working on my depression and I'm attempting to improve my situation, and hopefully eventually become more content with my life. I'm going to therapy, going outside, exercising, socializing, seeking out hobbies, all of that as best I can. I understand that mental health is a work in progress and requires constant effort. Thing is, even despite my best effort, I still feel pretty darn bad in general. Now before you tell me it could be due to this or that, I already made sure to get checked up by my doctor and it turns out I'm in perfect physical health, and so it's currently in the works to arrange antidepressants for me. What I'm asking about here is advice specifically for dealing with simply just feeling bad all the time. I gather that the stoic mindset suggests that you don't let things, which are out of your control, worsen your mood, and you simply accept the current situation for what it is so you can move on until better times arrive. I have to simply wait until I get my hands on some antidepressants to lift my spirits, but it's not even a guarantee that they will work. It could very well be that they don't even work and I might have to try different ones or something else entirely. So what would the stoics suggest if you're facing an indefinite time of feeling absolutely horrible, and most conventional solutions don't really help?",">I gather that the stoic mindset suggests that you don't let things, which are out of your control, worsen your mood, and you simply accept the current situation for what it is so you can move on until better times arrive. That helped me at first too. It was helpful for me to recognize I could register my thoughts in the same way I registered noises I heard outside my window - they come, they go, another one comes, another one goes, some are pleasant, others not so much, a lot of them are just background noise. I learned to not be so attached to those melancholic or anxious feelings while I was first learning about Stoicism. The real work comes through analyzing beliefs, and that's because our beliefs drive our impulses, including our emotions. When you believe that a situation indicates a particular value, you will feel the appropriate emotion. When you believe an experience reveals a certain meaning, your emotions will follow. Learning to identify and analyze my beliefs to see if I was agreeing with them because they were logical and helpful, or if I was agreeing with them because they were familiar and I had simply assumed what I knew from childhood had to be the truth, was a game changer for me. Look into Epictetus ""discipline of assent"" for more about this. That, along with the disciplines of desire and action will help round out a new approach of thinking for you. I use an ABC journal to uncover new beliefs as I find them. ""A"" stands for the antecedent, or the thing that triggered my bad mood. ""B"" stands for the belief that I currently hold about why I think this event or experience was bad or wrong in some way. This takes time to explore because a lot of our beliefs are predicated on more basic, even more core beliefs. And finally ""C"" stands for the correction in my reasoning I want to remember for the next time I come across a similar circumstance. Anti-depressants didn't work for me, but changing my outlook and focus did. When you change your beliefs, the emotions follow.",Is there any stoic advice for dealing with depression and feeling miserable?,,general_qa 222,Hey guys so my girlfriend her dad is not a nice person and keeps telling her that she's a mistake that she's worthless and all that type of stuff. Do you guys have any stoic advice to help her.,"As someone who grew up with an abusive parent: * Abuse is a out the person doing the abuse, not the one at the receiving end. Really knowing that in you heart and soul helps you keep your own power to yourself. The worse thing that can happen would be for the abuse to take her power away. * Abusers are like most people, they do what they know and with what they have, just like we all act based on our understanding of reality. Knowing that, really knowing it helps with forgiveness. Apart from that, the stoic accepts that this is how the parent is and look at what is a available and in their control to escape the situation and/or temporarily accept that the escape may have to wait. If your girlfriend can't escape the physical situation, reading to try and understand toxic family dynamics or getting psychological/emotional support may help her gain insight that will help her to stay centered and happy inside.",Do you have some stoic advice for a mentally abusive father,,general_qa 223,"I've been studying up on stoicism and incorporating stoic principles into my life the last few years. I've found it positive, and I don't really tell anybody - including my wife of over a decade. I've always been a bit of a closet stoic anyway - I've always found joy and contentment in the small things, listening to music, going to a movie, having a nice meal, going on a hike, and my goal in life now more than ever is to simply live in peace. Lately however I've noticed my wife is going on a particularly non-stoic path, the opposite in fact, and it's putting a strain on our relationship. Lately, she's much more concerned about personal appearance, personal wealth, and material things. She's kinda stuck on the hedonic treadmill, chasing bigger and better things - better clothes, better jewelry, better vacations etc. This year however money is tighter, as life is more expensive (the economy, inflation, cost of living etc.) and it's affecting her mood daily. She's said to me this weekend that she's unhappy and has got ""nothing to look forward to"" - despite the fact that we live in a comfortable home, both have gainful employment, good friends and family, and have at least one good vacation planned for later this summer. I don't know how to get her out of her funk, and it's starting to bring me down - not to mention it makes me a little resentful. I could introduce her to stoicism and some of its principles, but I'm honestly not sure she'd take to it. In fact, I think she'd reject it outright. I get the impression that she thinks I'm not ambitious enough, and don't earn enough money to give her the life she desires. I think she's projecting her negative outlook on me personally. At this point maybe professional counseling is necessary. Any advice? Thanks.","""I get the impression that she thinks I'm not ambitious enough, and don't earn enough money to give her the life she desires"" Putting thoughts in your partner's head is poisonous to a relationship. Ask her point blank, and proceed from there.",Spouse/partner incompatibility/friction due to my stoic world view?,,general_qa 224,"This is a serious question. Stoicism has resonated with me the most out of the philosophies, but holy shit lol. Some of y'all got make the most out of literally nothing. Similar to the meme about the blue curtains in english class. I discovered stoicism when I needed it most and I'm sure some of you have as well, but lads, lighten up. Marcus Aurelius said something similar to ""Give up your thirst for books, so that you do not die a grouch."" I think that can be interpreted as any form of education/growth. Don't get wrong, some of your posts are great. Dealing with your friends falling ill or losing a loved one. It's inspiring to see you apply what you've learn in reality. Just don't make me scroll through 10 paragraphs of how Karen cut you at Wendy's and you didn't lose your shit on her. Same goes for stretching out a mundane inconvenience with big words and other filler. Maybe some of you really do need that much work and this helps. If so, I'm glad you're working towards being better.","Unfortunately its the petty shit that seems to bother most of us as human beings. Getting cut off in traffic, not getting a pay raise, order was wrong, coworkers suck, whatever. A lot of folks take it as ""super serious"" but I think we could learn from the Cynic smartasses like Diogenes too. Being a Stoic is about being virtuous, ultimately. Control in order to *be* virtuous, and not go off the deep end. Not being a sanctimonious prick to everyone else around you by saying how detached you are from their problems. We're supposed to rise* above adversity but do it with empathy for others as well. Edit: rise* not rose",Is this a secret circle jerk sub?,,general_qa 225,"**Edit: So this blew up when I went to work. I really appreciate all of the responses everyone has given. I've taken the time to read them all, and will re-read as well at my leisure. A lot of things resonated with me, and I honestly did not think I'd have such an amazing response to this.** Hello stoics, This is a bit of a rant from the opposite side. I've read some basic stoicism, and honestly I do 100% find value in a lot of the teachings (The Obstacle is the Way got me through losing my job at the beginning of COVID, William Irving's The Stoic Path is a great short series of meditations), but I have trouble with the true depths of it. While I dabbled in stoicism and tried to apply its wisdoms to my daily life as a casual reminder (I was fair weather stoic, I suppose), my partner has completely embraced it as a framework for his life. I supported this, of course, and didn't say anything when he slowly started wearing his headphones all day while listening to audiobooks on stoicism, or meditating for an hour or more each morning and evening. After some time of this I brought up my concerns that I feel like he's disconnected from me a little bit. He confirmed that yes, he's removing attachments in his mind so as to not be bothered by the feelings of other people (i.e. me). But, if I'm coming to him because I'm upset about something, I want him to react. I don't want a blank stare and a ""You can choose to own your feelings or not, but they're not my responsibility"". This is where the turn happens in my mind. There is nothing kind or virtuous or strong in becoming cold towards the people in your life in exchange for building a wall of strength and unmoveability. William Irving fervently insists that stoics being negative human beings is a stereotype and simply not true. But is this cold negativity a phase all young stoics go through before coming out the other side and finding the balance of stoicism, wisdom, virtue, but also love and kindness and personality? Stoic meditation is a practice in appreciating what you have in the present. Things like the Last Time Meditation or Prospective Introspection are purely there to essentially convince yourself that you love your life, despite the fact that it probably sucks. Why would one have to throw themselves to deeply into practicing these meditations if they were happy? Why do you need to convince yourself so aggressively that your life is good? I don't need to meditate for hours a day to feel happy with, and in, my life. **I'd in particular love if someone can change my view on this. I'm very much struggling with this point here.** I really, really hate stoicism right now.","Yeah, your partner's missed the point entirely. Stoicism isn't about removing attachments in order to avoid the feelings of others. That's a cop out to avoid dealing with life. Stoicism is about consciously embracing your own emotions and understanding that nothing is forever. It's about living in the present and appreciating the good things in your life without undue concern about how you might one day lose those things. Mind you, I say ""undue concern"" not ""no concern."" Your partner's burying his head in the sands of theory and ignoring the real practice. A true Stoic is able to deal with another's feelings because they are themselves at peace with their own emotions. It's not about being ""responsible"" for that person's feelings at all.","Stoicism has turned my partner cold and distant. I want to support and embrace stoicism, but I can't.",,general_qa 226,"I'm a teenager (14) and around an hour ago my mother said to me: ""You and your sister are a waste of my time and effort. I wish I never met your father so you could never be born."" Can anyone help me? I've been heavily reading on Stoicism for 6 months now so I think this is the best sub to seek advice. I'd like some thoughts or pointers to texts. Did Epictetus or M.A ever write anything similar to dealing with stuff like this? When she said it to me, I felt hurt but didn't say anything. Right now she's visiting a friend's house so I'm alone right now as I type this. Right now I don't really feel sad or angry, just apathetic to the whole situation. I realize that what she said is out of my control and I should try to act virtuously. My question is how do I move forward from this? How do I do that virtuously? I'm not even sure that writing this post was a rational or emotional decision. Please help, thanks UPDATE: Thanks for all the comments, I had no idea this many people were so generous with their time, especially on a public site. I've read through all of them and I'll take that advice to heart. For some context (and looking back at it), I don't believe my mother was 100% malicious towards me. My father is a good person, but he's a high functioning alcoholic and sometimes he can go too far with drinking, and that really makes my mom angry. My dad was actually going over to his friend's house (to drink) and my mom was going with him to watch over him, so they had an argument about it. A couple hours before that, I admit that I was giving her a little attitude over a disagreement, so she was already riled up with me. I think it was more of an outburst than anything. I also think my mother has some mental problems, my sister had depression so I think it may run in the family. My relationship with my mother is hard to describe. I don't feel like I have a true family (which is fine, I'm sure I'll find one later on), just 3 acquaintances living in the same house. My sister is 25 and out of the house, but my relationship with her is also the same way. To be honest I am quickly getting over the whole thing, but I feel somewhat guilty about it. I feel like I am expected to be more sad about it, but as of now I don't feel anything. Thank you to all the commenters giving advice, I'll remember this post for a long time.","Plan your future. Think about how you want your life to be and build the best springboard you can. Just because your mother hates her life, it doesn't mean you have to hate yours.","One hour ago my mother said she regrets having me and that I'm a ""waste of time""",,general_qa 227,"Ok so this is a long story so please bare with me. I am in the middle of completing a degree when I have decided that I could no longer be with my parents. I have suffered from depression and anxiety for a very long time and this has been extremely amplified by living at home. My dad is the biggest tyrant and bully I have ever met, so much so that after my whole life of him bullying me, I only recently called him a bully for the first time when my counsellor pointed out that he was (he managed to trick me through shockingly powerful manipulation). My mum is very subservient towards my dad and has always turned a blind eye to his actions, when I would bring up that I don't know how she lives with him, she'd always shut down the conversation. This includes when my father physically abused me when I was 6 years old and he has denied it since. This event only came into light recently because, although I remembered this, I always doubted it since my parents would never confirm this when I brought it up and always called me a liar, my mum admitted this happened to my sister as she was concerned that she let my father get away with far too much with me (which is absolutely true). My mum has been a silent witness to all of his evil doings and to me specifically (it stems from him hating his older brother and as I am the oldest son, he has always taken that out on me). My dad calls all the shots in the family and despite having a wife and 5 kids (including me) lives his life pretty much entirely for self-interest as he is very narcissistic (for example he'd go on expensive holidays with friends when we'd be very low on money). He can never be wrong and whenever he is minutely offended about anything I do (this is usually something like me trying to leave the room to do important work when he wants me to hear one of his very racist and homophobic rants) he has always told me that ""I do nothing for him"" and that ""he does everything for me"". When actually I've done everything he's ever asked (I've always been v obedient to his wishes) and he's done only what he approves of for me. They have never been emotional supportive to me but around 1.5 years ago I had an extremely traumatic event (I won't go into details) and I went to them because of it. They were very un-useful and extremely judgemental of what had happened because it disagreed with their religious (catholic) views. So since then I have stopped going to them for support and they have only been a financial support to me for my university studies + I've seen them as little as possible. Soon after this (1.25 years ago) I also came to the conclusion that I am queer. This is against their catholic views completely and I have lived in fear ever since that they would kick me out of their house and give me 0 financial support (I don't live with them whilst I study, only in the holidays). Since then I have been saving up in case I was ever to be cut off financially. Earlier this year I became very suicidal because of this lack of support and acceptance from my parents and most of those close to me at my university neglected me because I was very depressed and antisocial. It was a very hard time and luckily through a couple very close friends + free university counselling I came out the other side alive. Stoicism has been massively helpful in this recovery and I've also made some important realisations about spending time with people who don't actually have your back. I then went home for the summer months were living with my parents continued to be unbearable and as usual my dad talked about how much I cost him and how I do nothing for him. I then found a funding programme for estranged students that meant I can now go on to complete my degree without needing my parents' funding. However, I would need to cut contact with them for 12 months before my final year starts (this means basically from now for the next year). With this, I decided that I would run away from home and study abroad for a year, where they would have no way of knowing where I was living. This is where I am at now. As a striving stoic, I believe that what I am doing is removing myself from malice in my life and giving myself actual freedom to be who I am so I can achieve as close to self perfection as possible. I know that I am doing the best thing for myself but I still feel very attached to my mum even if she has been very judgmental, a silent witness to my suffering and not emotionally supportive. I would really appreciate hugely if I could be given some advise as to how I can use stoicism to help me through this difficult time and/or to justify this? As I have been struggling with this and the part of stoicism that says we need to accept peopel's nature and forgive their ignorance because in this case, their behaviour is greatly harming me. Thank you so much for reading through this!","One of my favorite passages from Meditations covers this exact problem: >""When your sparring partner scratches or head-butts you, you don't then make a show of it, or protest, or view him with suspicion or as plotting against you. And yet you keep an eye on him, not as an enemy or with suspicion, but with a healthy avoidance. > > > >You should act this way with all things in life. We should give a pass to many things with our fellow trainees. For, as I've said, it's possible to avoid without suspicion or hate."" -- *Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 6.20* You should accept your parents' natures because what else can you do? Worrying about it or investing time into trying to change people who refuse to change is a waste. You should forgive your parents because Stoicism teaches us that they are coming not from a place of malice or hate but from ignorance. But that doesn't mean you have to stand there and take the abuse. What Marcus is saying here IMO is to cultivate an attitude where you can say to your parents (maybe not like literally to them) ""I would have preferred if you supported me in my identity and education, but if not then I'm not going to let that stop me from living the life I want to live.""",Permanently cutting contact with my parents,,general_qa 228,"This is my perception, at least. If there is some truth to it, I think it is worth exploring reasons why it is true. At the risk of comparing apples to oranges, I hear a lot from women in Taoist, or say, existentialist discussions. I don't think the same thing can be said for stoicism. Are there any women on this sub who could speak to this? Or men who may have a clue? Could you guys be turned off by a masculine community that idolizes almost exclusively white men? Or does some element of your experience in society that we don't have, or vice versa, render stoicism irrelevant? The disparity is alarming to me, honestly. If it's real, there's probably a reason why. Edit: if some of you guys are offended by me mentioning race, I didn't really mean it as a jab. I just thought it was relevant since I was curious about inclusiveness/diversity in general Edit 2: some of the best answers/ notes I'm seeing: -Although a recent poll reflected 12% representation by women on this sub, many women are here silently, and many more women practice stoicism but don't engage in this community or even call it stoicism -I definitely conflated stoics everywhere with the Reddit community, whoops! -whiteness is a new concept, and many founders of stoicism weren't white even by modern standards. Assuming they all were is pretty prejudiced! -historical silencing / non inclusion of women in philosophy and public forums And much more, thank you so much for the honest and thoughtful discourse!!",[removed],Why is stoicism so overwhelmingly male dominated?,,general_qa 229,"One of my favorite books is The Conquest of Happiness by Betrand Russell. It has many techniques that can be compatible with the practice of Stoicism. However, his main advice is that happiness comes from focusing outward instead of self-absortion: ""Bertrand Russell believed that closing yourself off only leads to sadness and boredom. If we focus only on what is missing in our lives, on our problems, failures, and fears, we lose enthusiasm for life. In this aspect, he coincides with Eastern philosophers and Lacanian psychoanalysis. These two schools of thought believe that the ""I"" is a source of suffering and illness."" https://exploringyourmind.com/happiness-according-bertrand-russell/ I think he is RIGHT. I feel happy when I just do an activity for it's own sake, instead of doing it for improving myself. My problem is that Stoicism seems to encourage self-improvement and thinking about oneself doing the right thing ALL THE TIME. My experience with this is that this mindset make me think too much about myself with thoughts like ""I'm not being productive"", ""I'm so lazy, I need to work on something"". Also, I think It's better to develop many external insterests and work on them instead of trying to be productive for the sake of it. I admire polymaths like Leonardo da Vinci or Bertrand Russell itself. They worked hard because they we're following curiosity, not Virtue. I think that thinking too much about oneself can lead to problems that doesn't even exist in the first place, like feeling guilty for not being productive or Virtuous enough, or even feeling bad for not being happy enough. Focusing on the external things instead of the internal can break the cycle. https://socialanxietyinstitute.org/focus-externally I've found that sometimes distracting oneself with something of your interest can make the problem ""disappear"" (because it's solved subconsciously). I still believe very much of Stoicism philosophy is useful, but maybe analysing all the aspects of your life isn't the best strategy. Maybe we should only focus on our problems when is absolutely necessary: ""The wise man thinks about his troubles only when there is some purpose in doing so; at other times he thinks about other things, or, if it is night, about nothing at all."" Sorry for my bad English TL;DR Thinking too much about oneself is bad, even when you try to solve your problems. It's better to focus on the things that surround us.","I don't think self-improvement is the main goal of Stoicism; it's only a secondary side-effect. The main purpose of Stoicism is to be a good person and, for the ancient Stoics, ""to live in accordance to nature"". Marcus Aurelius compared it to how bees and ants perform their individual tasks. They don't need to stop and think whether they're doing a good job, or compare themselves to others, or get self-conscious about the need to improve. They just collect food for the nest and that's it.",My problems with Stoicism and self-absortion,,general_qa 230,"Recently, i've found that a lot of people who practice stoicism are going through a rough time in their lives. That makes sense, but what about the people who are living great, happy lives with not many troubles? I'm still young, 14 years old, but stoicism interests me very much. I want to be a better person, but i find it's hard to practice stoicism when so much of it is accepting things that aren't in your control. Bad things can happen to anyone, sure, but I'm very fortunate to begin with. Can I still practice stoicism? Edit: Thanks for all the comments and advice!","Absolutely. Personally I think that using Stoicism only as a tool to get you through hard times is a very incomplete practice. There's a lot more to this philosophy - [the FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/Stoicism/wiki/faq) is a very good introduction. The ""in your control"" thing doesn't simply mean you should accept bad things that happen, but that only your own actions and choices are in your control, and all other things aren't. Which means a Stoic focuses mainly on good actions and choices.",Is it possible to embody stoicism even if you aren't going through hard times?,,general_qa 231,"I am mostly referring to Daily Stoics recent Instagram post about justice in regards to the Derek Chauvin trial. There are a sickening number of comments saying ""Quit dragging politics into Stoicism"", ""Look at you virtue signaling"" etc etc.... I mean really people. I couldn't name a moral philosophy more intertwined in political goings on than Stoicism. Not to mention, trying and finding someone guilty of murder is *not* political and if that's something that's up for debate for you, than friend, please do not associate yourself with Stoicism because clearly virtue is not for you. But seriously, why is there such a toxic culture planting their flag in Stoicism? Edit: Ok, wow, this post has illuminated some glaringly obvious disgusting sides of this subreddit. I hope you all are proud of yourselves. Edit Edit: I hear you guys, I understand you guys. I made this post in the heat of the moment this morning, and that energy carried me through the day and colored many of my moments. Talk about a lesson in Stoicism. To any who I have alienated, know that it was nothing personal, I'm just a human with my own set of Biases and neuroses. I don't regret any of this, nor the post, but like Marcus would do, I will take this time to reflect on my own actions and perceptions.","One of the Modern Stoicism podcast episodes discussed this phenomenon, of certain sub-cultures cherry-picking certain parts of Stoicism to both piggy-back in the current popularity of Stoicism content and as a way of legitimizing their views. Going off of memory: - $toicism: a get-rich-or-die-trying approach going around certain entrepreneurial circles - Bro-icism: a macho-man approach aligned with many of the so-called ""men rights groups"". These tend to leverage quotes from Stoic texts around the themes of endurance and resilience, while completely bypassing the search for wisdom and justice. IMHO, when people say something like ""Don't drag politics into Stoicism"", they mean ""don't point out how some of my beliefs don't align with Stoicism"".",What's the deal with people using Stoicism as a way to justify their own cognitive biases and neuroses?,,general_qa 232,">*I'm sure I'll look back ten years from now and view every day I'm out here without regret* This is a quote from a novel I was reading called *Hyouka* by Yonezawa Honobu. After reading this quote in the book, it made me think about the future that lies ahead of me. In ten years from now, I will be in my early 30s and I'm sure the life I have will be very different from the life I have now. If I recall ten years back, I didn't pretty much bother about the future, life is fun and games. But looking at myself now, I just realize how scary it is that life has changed drastically. I already read and practice Stoicism to some extent. I know that *there are things outside my control that I can't do anything about it such as the past and the future*. No matter how much I try to do, I can't change the past or the future. All I can do is accept the fact and move one with my life. Expect that not everything will go as I wish. But here's the things. *I can affect the future by altering the way I live now*. In a way, I can try to choose the way how my future looks. Back to my original question, even if I'm successfully gain the future that I want. The world will be so different in ten years from now. I will be a different person in ten years from now. How do I know I won't regret the past (this presents) that I live in? and what can I do to make my future less regrettable? Sorry for bad English EDIT: Hey everyone thanks for all the wonderful comments!! sorry, I can't reply to any of you but here's my summary of all the things I read from the comments. I hope you all and everyone reading this can learn something from this. # What should I do to make sure in ten years from now I won't regret the life I had today? >**Your life is an investment** What I mean by this is what we do today will ripple into even bigger things in the future. There's a lot of what we can do to make our future better. The most basic is to be kind to our bodies. Health is the most precious investment so make sure we get the most profit from our body. Start exercise, have a healthy diet, avoid drugs, and many more. Something that also needs to be considered is to try to have a stable life and financing. Be generous with your spendings and try not to have debts. >**Forget or forgive** How to have a less regrettable future is to learn how to forgive or forget your past. Know that you will improve as a person to be better than you from the past. One way to do it is to keep a journal recording your life such as milestones, mood, skills that you learned, events in your life, and many more. When you look at that journal you'll know that your past is a journey of life you have in the future. Also no matter how hard we try there will be some way that we will regret the past. Some basic thing to know is that no matter how much we think about the past we still can't change the past. We have to let go of the past and move on with our life. The presents is what we live now, so we better make the best out of it. >**We always life in the present** We are not time traveler (maybe some of you are lol), so we only live in the present. The future will be the present time someday. While we live in the present we can and should make the best out of it, be virtuous. All this to make the future a better day and less regrettable. Also, something that needs to keep in mind is that whatever we do there are always things that can go wrong and won't go as you wish, and that's okay there's always another day. Expect the best but know that everything will you as you expect. Endnote: Sorry if I can't put all your thoughts into this summary but I did read them all and all of them are wonderful, some of them even I never think of. I hope everyone have a nice day and can be proud of the life you have now.","1. Take care of your health. Physical and mental. 2. Get out of debt and save money. Have a financial plan for your future. 3. Be friends with people you aspire to be like. Quality of friends is far superior than quantity.",What should I do to make sure in ten years from now I won't regret the life I had today?,,general_qa 233,"So I recently got out of a pretty toxic and difficult phase of my life, with someone who is no longer in it. I realised that the first couple of months after everything happened, I was an emotional wreck. I'm not sure if this is the right sub for this but I really want to start learning more about myself and grow stronger. One of the key aspects of this for me is not necessarily learning to control my emotions (since I think they're already pretty well adapted and controlled) but just being less emotional and hurt as easily as I am by words and things around me. I am planning to start meditating from today onwards. Other things I've picked up are yoga and plans to read a couple of books by famous stoics. Any other suggestions for specifically managing my emotions in context of stoicism? (Again, not sure if this is the right sub for this and I apologise if this post is misplaced - I will delete it if so.)","Hello there! I think it sounds like you are on the right track. You have been through a crisis and have begun rebuilding and improving yourself. That is so great! What I'm thinking is ""easy, Tiger"". With all those new initiatives you risk burning out before any of your new habits get a solid foothold. I might certainly be wrong, but if I had to start doing those things at once, I would soon just stop all together. Better with a calm begining I would say. So no. I won't give you anything more. I think you have enough to begin and I would wait with meditation or yoga until your new habits have become second nature. I say this from a place of love :)",Advice?,,general_qa 234,"Hello, I'm a senior in high school and new to the philosophy of stoicism. My freshman year was rough, as I underestimated what HS (high school) was going to demand of me; though, I still passed all if my classes and got a 2.83 GPA. Sophomore and junior year went a lot better, and I really began to feel good about school: 4.0 GPA, all A's, school felt like taking out the trash but more interesting to be frank. But, senior year has rolled around, and things feel completely different. It takes so much out of me to get work done on time, among many other things. The major catalyst for me reaching out to others in this subreddit is a writing assignment I have due tonight. Writing has always been a strong suit of mine, and several of my teachers complimented me frequently on my writing in past years, and I had one an annual writing contest held by AVID (a college readiness program, look it up if you feel so inclined) one year. I feel like I've forgotten my ability to write fluently and as well as I used to, I have tried my best to produce the same quality work as I used to so easily, but it feels impossible. It hurts because it makes me question my intelligence, and even worse, the more I stress out the harder everything becomes. I used to be motivated by stress, and could manage it better and use it as a springboard. Now I feel so weak and incapable. I'm not sure what else to say at the moment, so I'll leave it at this for now. Discussion greatly welcome and appreciated.","I get the sense you are feeling something so many people can relate to right now, you are in a rut and feeling stagnant. I obviously cant fully understand the exact situation you are in, but most likely, you're entire world has been shrunken over the last year. You're not physically going to school, you might be missing out on activities you used to enjoy, you spend a lot more time at home, etc. But one thing I feel confident in saying, your current difficulty with writing has little to do with your innate intelligence or skills. From a Stoic perspective, this is a great place to practice the dichotomy of control. You cannot control your current situation due to the pandemic. You can't even control the fact you have a paper due or the fact that something that once came easily is now difficult. You can however control your actions. Break down your writing into actionable steps. If your usual method of writing isn't working, try something else. Outline more, brainstorm more. Look for a change of scenery (staying safe, of course). Go for a drive and ramble to yourself about the topic you have to write about. You can't control where you are, but you sure as hell can control where you are going. Pick a direction and start building some momentum. You've got this!",High School Student Struggling Greatly With Online Classes (new format due to COVID),,general_qa 235,"I almost got hit by a car this morning. I was walking into an intersection when I saw a car coming into the stop sign hot, so I stoped walking. The person looked up and hit the breaks mid-intersection and stoped. His window is down so I say ""Hey buddy, nice stop. Go ahead you're in such a rush"". The guy looked at me with a look of bewilderment (almost angry at me) and drove off. I feel that without anger on my part, I may have made this guy understand what he did was wrong and hopefully because of that he might pay more attention while driving and think twice about running stop signs. I feel like lighthearted sarcasm was better than anger in that situation. I know Diogenes (a Cynic) would hold lantern to the faces of the citizens of Athens claiming he was searching for an honest man (a form of sarcasm). Did the stoics do something like this as well or was this too ""in your face""? I'm not really torn up about this, but it just made me think about the interaction once I got home. I understand I can only control MY actions, but what does stoicism say about shaming via sarcasm to teach a lesson to someone else?","A lesson I learned working road construction: ""No harm, no foul."" If I got upset every time I ALMOST got hit by a less-than-careful driver, I'd never have gotten any work done. It took me too long to realize that I should apply this attitude to other parts of my life. (Now, this doesn't mean that I shouldn't be as careful and respectful of others as possible. I just shouldn't expect the same from random people on the street. Not should I really worry about ""teaching a lesson."")",Shaming (with sarcasm) to teach a lesson,,general_qa 236,"Now dont get me wrong. I like stoicism as a philosophy and what it portrays, to stand upright even in the face of hardship. Being content in thyself. And what it values. Today I had a random thought about why I am trying to be virtues instead of falling for vices. Funnily enough it was not that easy to answer, perhaps because I didn't think much about the counter part. After a while I came to the conclusion that the virtuoes of stoicism bring a certain piece in my mind and self sufficiency to deal with life. While the counter part of doing bad like stealing, harming other, greed... would just causes turbelence and disturbance in myself, as I would harm other I would harm myself in the same way, but the question is how does that happen? I dont know if this questions of why, would lead to a never ending cycle but it seems like it kinda for me right now. Even though I kind of have a answer it feels like something is missing. So I ask you guys for your reasons why you guys thrive for virtues instead of falling for vices?","Well, look at it this way - why do you eat food instead of gravel? When the rain starts falling, why do you seek a roof? Because those things are obviously good for you. It's much more difficult to choose what you see as bad and harmful - unless it helps you reach a goal you consider even more important. So why choose specific things? Because we see them as good for us. If someone thinks harming others to benefit from it is great, then why wouldn't he choose it? There is no reason not to. So it all comes down to knowledge and understanding what is good for us. For example, if I'm convinced that lying on a couch all day, watching TV is beneficial, I will do it. If I find out later it had the side effect of atrophying both my muscles and my brain, then I'll start looking for better ways to spend my time - because now I have better knowledge, and I can make better choices. Why choose the classic Stoic Virtues of wisdom, courage, moderation and justice? Because they are beneficial for us. I can't imagine my life being better in any way if I'm instead stupid, afraid of everything, lacking self-control, and unable to have reasonable relations with other people. This doesn't make sense even if you decide to make pleasure your goal, because you'll be too inept to achieve it. I like to define Virtue as having a good understanding of what is good, and what isn't (or at least being able to make a good guess about it), which allows us to handle life well. Things like not stealing or harming others depend strongly on your understanding of your position in society. Stoics have a concept called Okieiosis, which basically means that we should reach out and treat other people as we would treat ourselves. They believed it is something natural and appropriate for humans. So why not harm others - because by doing so you are acting against your nature as a human, so you are choosing against your own good. Of course that last part is something based on 2000-year old observations, and understanding of science, and not everyone will agree. Personally even if I'm not so keen on Natural Law, I think the Stoic reasoning still makes sense from what I've read about emotional development, and from what I've seen in various people I know.",Why do we good instead of bad?,,general_qa 237,Hi! I have just discovered about stoicism and I am really interested in learning more. I would be really grateful if you gave me some advice on where to start. Thank you!!,"Right here: http://www.reddit.com/r/Stoicism/wiki/faq The FAQ itself is great, and there's a huge list of suggested readings at the end.",Any good books about stoicism for beginners?,,general_qa 238,"Hello everyone, I recently have started reading about stoicism and have even implemented some Stoic ideas in my own life. One big problem that conflicts with me though is the idea that everyone is a good person underneath everything and the people who do bad are just ""lost"". This idea really conflicts with what I have experienced in my life and I just do not understand it. Would a Stoic then believe that serial killers and awful people from history like Adolf Hitler were good people? If so, please explain how that conclusion can be met. Thanks for reading and any input is appreciated!","everyone is a person at heart, good is a judgement call, just like bad is",How can Stoics believe everyone is a good person at heart?,,general_qa 239,"In my practice of Stoicism I feel less empathetic towards people now. I can't feel their struggle and happiness. I used to be a very empathetic person too. I feel callous. I don't care if one of my family goes through pain. And this is alarming. I use to be extremely sensitive to pain, but now that I've adopted stoicism, I'm much less affected by pain because of the techniques like negative visualisation etc. Inversely, that means that when I see someone else suffering I can't connect with the pain they're going through, I just think about how they should adopt stoicism. Essentially I feel much less pain myself, pain doesn't bother me that much. So I expect the same of others and when they're going through pain I don't feel sorry for then as much either. The sharpness of pain had been dulled so I kind of expect others to suck it up too. I'm pretty sure that someone can point me out to how my thinking is wrong, why this isn't stoicism. Any advice is appreciated. Thank you. Edit: Helpful advice came in droves, thank you guys. One piece of advice that was repeated throughout was that although now my pain is dulled, I should remember when I used to be overwhelmingly struck by pain. I should remember that feeling when looking at a loved one going through pain. I should also be grateful that I'm not being affected by pain as much as I used to, and believe me that's really great. Another bit of advice is that my expectations are too high of people. I've been so on my high-horse that as soon as I do something I expect everyone to be there. I should instead seek to meet people at the place they are in their journey and seek to help them. Another thing is that I seem to have a lack of caring about others. I think this was due to a coping mechanism after a pretty rough break-up. I should now begin practising feeling what others feel. Also on the notion of caring for others, I feel that I should take down the coping mechanism and allow myself to care about people. Not to extinguish that feeling at first sight of it. However, Another question I have to ask is in caring for people. Do you not hinge your tranquillity upon their good fortune, which is categorically unStoic? Or is their a way to care about others but not rest your good emotion upon what happens to them?","I've had the opposite experience. Stoicism has made me able to relate and empathize rather than feel their idiots or should adopt some other behavior. People are doing what they feel they should be doing, granted it they are often mistaken/ignorant, but they're not being malicious.",Stoicism makes me feel less empathetic towards people.,,general_qa 240,"A few dear friends of mine do seem happy and fulfilled. However, they do not live a virtuous life in the Stoical sense. They give it their best at work, but they limit the efforts to their weekly 40 hours. Apart from those weekly 40 hours, they do not spend any time improving themselves or becoming better versions of themselves. They spend all their non-work time hanging out with friends and family, playing videogames, playing sports, etc. They invest no time in reading books or learning new skills. From how I understand Stoicism, this cannot lead to a happy and fulfilled life. Yet, they seem like the most happy people I know. They seem carefree and enjoying their lives to the fullest. I'm inquisitive about the Stoic views on people like them. Do they have a happy life in the Stoic sense? Or could they be even more content? How? Because Stoicism is about a happy life, not a perfect life. Thank you for any thoughts you share!","It depends on your definition of happiness. The thing with the naive happiness you're describing is that precisely it is naive. What normal people do is to ignore everything that feels bad or difficult and do everything that feels good and easy. That's what people are taught and encouraged to do without much thought. A philosophy like Stoicism says this isn't enough because the greatest good is to build character and live according to nature, that is all of nature and reality, the parts that feel good and the parts that feel bad. Adversities, challenges, obstacles, these are meant to be taken as a way to overcome your limits and grow. Without these you remain immature, and haven't you noticed how infantile most of society has become? They will enjoy their ""happiness"" quite until they can't afford to look away.",Can you be happy without becoming the best version of yourself?,,general_qa 241,"Hello, recently I've finished reading ""Letters from a stoic"" by Seneca. It seems to me, as if Seneca does not hold much value on physical fitness and sports. Throughout the book he mentioned physical fitness only a few times and he didn't seem to care about it a lot, as the body ages anyway and the physical fitness begins to vanish at some point. I remember him saying that the mind is a way bigger priority. Personally, I enjoy sports a lot. In fact, sports contribute a lot to my mental well-being, and without physical training for a longer period of time I start to get a little depressed. So I wonder: Are there any stoics that talk about physical fitness and sports? I know that Socrates once famously said ""No man has the right to be an amateur in the matter of physical training. It is a shame for a man to grow old without seeing the beauty and strength of which his body is capable."", but I don't think Socrates was a stoic, although he definitely influenced stoicism. What do you think, is physical fitness and sports important for the mentality or does it contradict stoicism, as it puts value in things out of your control (your body to a certain degree)? I cannot explain why sports do me good based on a stoic point of view. I would guess it's because we should live according to nature, and being active is a natural instinct. Do you have any stoic sources on physical fitness and sports? What do you think: How much value does it have in the stoic philosophy? How can the positive effects sports have on the mind be explained from a stoic point of view?","I don't have any sources where physical activity is a subject. Although, I think the quote you shared from Socrates was on point, no matter if he was a devout stoic. I personally think physical activity and sports is very beneficial to mental fortitude and helps up deal with difficult situations. Constantly putting yourself against opposition whether be an opponent, yourself or a situation. Even a simple fitness routine can teach us virtuous life skills such as perseverance, self-improvement, discipline, overcoming challenges, and building self-confidence. Taking care of your physical health is something well in our control as well.",Stoicism on physical fitness and sports,,general_qa 242,"Hello. I've recently embraced the Stoic philosophy and I've found it helps a lot with almost all aspects of my life. But I have trouble reconciling something. Stoicism teaches that we can only control ourselves and that while we may try to help and teach others by nudging them in the right direction, you ultimately cannot control them. The problem is that my brother suffers from extreme depression. My natural instinct is to try and help him, but of course I can only help him insofar as he is willing / able to help himself. If any of you have had depression, I'm sure you'll understand that for an ordinary person (non Stoic) this is far more easily said than done. So while I've talked to him and tried to help him, he only has excuses for why he can't do it (which I understand is the depression talking). So now I feel powerless to help and I feel like I should be able to do something, but I also know that I have no way to actually control this. What does Stoicism say about helping those who are unable / unwilling to help themselves? Edit: Thanks to everyone for the sound advice. I now understand that while I cannot change him or heal his depression, I can at least be there for him, provide compassion, understanding, and guidance (should he seek it). Ultimately I can't do more than be there for him and help him through this. I'm still learning a lot about how Stoicism teaches us to interact with others, so the advice is very much appreciated!","IMO, Stoicism is not what you need for your brother. * I suggest outreach, research, building bridges of understanding and access/experience with him. (I would be glad to discuss and write more specific advice if asked) Stoicism is what you need for yourself.",My Brother Has Depression,,general_qa 243,"I have a coworker that likes to gossip about my personal life from information she gains from my post. I removed her as a follower a few months ago, but recently she has attempted to re add me. I blocked her. My primary struggle is that I am trying to accept the nature of others and be agreeable/sociable as I can. I feel kinda negative about putting up a wall. By practicing stoicism, how do I justify my action or direct decision?","My two cents: What you do, is no concern of hers and what she does is of no concern to you. Unless it somehow harms both parties. Then that requires intervention. You blocked her by making a logical choice to spare you of further malice. This is your way of intervening. Lets hope he/she/it gets the message and moves on.",Blocking Coworkers on Social,,general_qa 244,"In Meditations, Marcus Aurelius mentions that there are 3 kinds of people: 1.) who help someone and immediately look for reciprocity 2.) who are slower to look for something in return but who feel like the person owes them something 3.) who, like a vine which bears grapes each season, move from one good task to another without expecting anything in return. If we believe that we must be aware of the good we did and also make the person whom we helped aware of it, he believes we belong to the 1st category. Our duty is to be part of the 3rd category--help people without expecting anything in return. However, what I have found practicing stoicism, is that you end up just being a good solider to the situation and end up getting all the work while other reap the benefit of complaining and getting no work. In a way, you end up being a pacifist. I also feel that you gotta remind people about your good deeds otherwise they go unnoticed. As the saying goes, the squeaky wheel gets the grease first. In politics, most decisions to get things passed is quid pro quo. I don't know, is my worldview just dark? Thoughts, comments and opinions?"," ""Its possible to be a good man without anyone realizing it"" \- Marcus Aurelius","What's the point of being benevolent when others don't do the same? Life is like the game Survivor, in order to win, there has be a level of manipulation.",,general_qa 245,"Some context: I work in a reference lab and we deal with a high volume of samples to be tested. Management is getting better from what it was a year and a half ago, but it's still a rollercoaster, considering the global pandemic. I've been practicing stoicism for a while now to help me with my mental health. It's been working for me internally - I've become more aware of how I react and deal with stressful situations and learn to focus more on what matters and to deal with it head on. But work... man sometimes do I wish my coworkers would just stfu and work. Yeah, it sucks and it could be better, but they act like they're the only ones working here. I've learned to drown them out, but I feel like I'm a sink hole for everyone to vent out their complaints to. There's only so much a person could take. If only I could tell them, ""if it's endurable, then endure it, stop complaining."" I mean, I have my own problems with management considering how long I've been there and how certain people complain when they have it better than me what with all the extra slack I pick up because of them. tl;dr - How do I deal with coworkers who complain about work all the time, especially when they get paid more than me and I do the most work? At this point, I'm looking for another job similar to this one, but that another situation I can't afford to deal with right now.","You found a coping mechanism that works for you but your coworkers are using a different coping mechanism that harshes your mellow. I've dealt with the same thing at my previous job. You set boundaries. Tell them you're busy and will hear them out later, or that you'd rather focus on work and not hear complaints at all. Or ask if they plan to do anything about their complaints -- that often shuts people up because all they're doing is venting.",How do you deal with coworkers who constantly complain?,,general_qa 246,"Please forgive me for what I am about to say, I'm very new to stoicism but there are parts that I don't understand I understand and support the idea to not get up set over what's out of our control. But what exactly is not in our control? If I don't agree with the law, I could run for office and change it. I could get up and smack the person who is playing heavy metal out of their phone on the plane. My point is mostly everything, besides the weather, is somewhat in our control, Even if we have no intention of trying to control it. We still can. So does that give us a right to get upset?","You can control yourself. That's about it. Everything else you can influence, at best. Using your example, you can run for office; that is in your control. But being elected to that office is not under your control. You campaign to hopefully gain enough favor from people to vote for you, but, ultimately, their choice is not under your control. And, yes, you could smack someone whose music annoys you. But, you would not control their response. They may cower, they may counter-attack, they may call the police because you assaulted them. You only controlled yourself, insofar as you chose to slap them. You could have chosen to not be annoyed by the music. I hope this helps.",A question for stoics,,general_qa 247,"Been subbed for awhile and have been really fascinated by stoics and their way of thinking and that's why I've joined this community! But over the last while I've began to wonder is this sub just another self development/motivation community rather than the actual study of stoicism? Stocisim I feel is something that takes alot of time to learn but can be very beneficial for certain areas of life such as anger and how we should control our emotions rather than lash out etc. Over the last while though I see people asking for advice on a certain life situations their in or how to respond to their girlfriend breaking up with them. I feel that they couldn't give two shits about stocisim and just want a perspective change rather than learn stocisim itself. How do you feel about this?","> But over the last while I've began to wonder is this sub just another *self development/motivation community* rather than the actual study of stoicism? For most part it seems like it is, or a quote repository. If you really want to study Stoicism, reading academic books and articles, watching university lectures is the way to go. Frankly if you want to learn about any topic, I wouldn't put reddit in the top 10 sources of information!",Is r/stoicism another self development sub or is it actually about the study of stoicism?,,general_qa 248,"I just found out my good friend died in a tragic freak accident doing what he loved most in the world. We weren't best friends but I always enjoyed his company and hanging out with him. He had a very infectious energy and was always happy and it rubbed off on all those around him. I often feel quite blase about life, my girlfriend often says how nothing really phases me. I can always calm her down and make her see the good in the bad. I often feel immune to happiness and sadness. I'm not depressed or anything and feel calmly content mostly. This is the first death I have experienced of someone I was close with and yet I feel almost nothing. Is this normal? It just made me think of my own impending death and how I should keep my journal more and stay true to myself. Is this a normal reaction to the death of a close friend? I felt a little empty at my total lack of emotional reaction. Sometimes I wonder if my lack of emotions make me less human. After all human can experience the most intense emotions, the deepest pains and sorrows. Stoicism definitely cemented this aspect of my personality. Would I want to trade my apparently apathetic mind to one that wallows in the full spectrum of human emotions? I'm not sure, I don't think it is for me to choose. Or maybe it is? Is this a normal reaction to death? How have you dealt with death? Memento Mori","Everyone expresses their emotion differently. The way you wrote this long text shows that your thinking your friend that you will never see again. If your words here while writing contains faint amount of sadness then its still emotion. Or what is the feelingof emptiness then? You and yourself can do self reflection on what is going on around you.",My friend died today and I felt almost nothing,,general_qa 249,"Do you think stoicism is a perfect philosophy without room for improvement? Are there modifications you've made to adapt it to your life? If you've modified it, can it still be called stoicism? I'm curious about other's opinions and experiences on this.","Stoicism evolved constantly after Zeno founded the school, and practitioners of the time took it in different directions. There is endless room to evolve it further. None of us fully practice ancient Stoicism, we all pick and choose, and modify it to suit our needs. As for what to call it, that's just a matter of consensus rather than fact. I suppose we could call ourselves Stoic-inspired, and leave it at that. I do think it is important to maintain a distinction between our own beliefs and practices, and our understanding and interpretation of the ancient beliefs and practices. We can assert the latter here freely, but the former ought to be qualified so that no one is inadvertently misled.",Can stoicism be improved?,,general_qa 250,"As the title says I am interested in your opinion on this. Why do you prefere/like stoicism more? Why do you think stoicism is more helpfull? Where do you think epicureanism is wrong? Epicures saw his opponent in stoicism. Even though both of these philosophies say that happiness and a fulfilled life come from inside they take a different approach on reaching their goals. It looks like that stoicism 'won' the battle of time because r/stoicism has ~400.000 followers and r/epicureanismhas ~15.000. Thats why I want to hear your opinion why you think epicureanism has a 'wrong' view on life. Don't get me wrong. I know that you can choose multiple philosophies in your life. You can mix things and pick which ever suits you and helps you in your life. I dont see this as black and white but for the sake of the question I just asked about epicures 'wrong' points.","I'll use the Google definition for Epicurianism: >an ancient school of philosophy founded in Athens by Epicurus. The school rejected determinism and advocated hedonism (pleasure as the highest good), but of a restrained kind: mental pleasure was regarded more highly than physical, and the ultimate pleasure was held to be freedom from anxiety and mental pain, especially that arising from needless fear of death and of the gods. and Stoicism: > 2 an ancient Greek school of philosophy founded at Athens by Zeno of Citium. The school taught that virtue, the highest good, is based on knowledge; the wise live in harmony with the divine Reason (also identified with Fate and Providence) that governs nature, and are indifferent to the vicissitudes of fortune and to pleasure and pain. Obviously, if one feels like virtue is a higher good than pleasure, one will naturally be attracted to Stoicism. This is the sort of answer that is easier to explain to your parents, especially in a religious culture. In many ways, though, practical Stoicism is completely compatible with Epicurianism. Living virtuously can feel very good. Recognizing that things are out of my control can drastically diminish the anxiety I might otherwise feel about death or just bad situations. Only in situations where I must choose between pleasure and virtue do they come into contact, and in most situations I know that abandoning virtue wouldn't likely lead to long-term pleasure, if only because I was raised the way I was raised, so I'd feel guilty about it.",Why did you choose stoicism over epicureanism?,,general_qa 251,"Hi I'm new here, and to stoicism too, so I'm sorry if I don't have a great grasp on the issue. But I read somewhere about how one of the things stoicism teaches you is to control your perception: ""Choose not to be harmed and you won't feel harmed. Don't feel harmed and you haven't been."" - Marcus Aurelius But how does that factor in with emotional abuse, especially gaslighting? If I look back at my last relationship, which was quite emotionally abusive, my ex would gaslight me and tell me that I'm too sensitive and that I hold the power to let his words hurt me- I could simply not care. I can't seem to work out how what Marcus Aurelius says vs what my ex was saying.. was it really my fault? Should I have not been bothered by his hurtful words? Thank you","I appreciate that this Stoic advice can be very hard to internalize, and how it might even sound a little crazy. The truth is, it's really very good advice, and the more you understand of it the easier it is to grasp. Imagine I were to try to convince you of the opposite of what Marcus said - that other people can make you feel bad and that there is nothing you can do about it. Suppose I added that even random events had direct control over your feelings and that you were helpless to resist. Now _that's_ crazy. Any good, modern therapist will tell you that events do not directly cause your feelings. If you spill your coffee in the morning, the spill does not directly make you mad. What does make people mad is their response to the event. I might respond to my spilled coffee with anger, with frustration, with self-blame, and with a howl at the universe itself over how it conspires to hold me back. Or I might see it as nothing of any particular concern at all, and regard the brief task of wiping it up as no different from the task of brushing my teeth or putting my shoes on. I do not howl at the universe when it's time to put on my shoes. I expect it, it's normal, it's OK. Well, spilling my coffee is the same; I expect it sometimes, it's normal, it's OK. This is a crucial thing to understand! If we can apply it to the little things, we can, with practice, apply it to the bigger things, too. Now of course this does not mean that we become passive in the face of events. If I spill my coffee, _I clean it up_, and if it happens over and over again I'll see what the cause is and I'll fix it. What I won't do is just put up with it, unless I absolutely have to. If someone is treating you poorly, they are not your master or your parent. Their opinion is their own, and their actions are their own, and what they think does not need to be of any particular importance to you. But by the same token, if someone is treating you poorly, set a boundary or step back, you don't need to put up with it, either.",Emotional abuse and stoicism,,general_qa 252,"Hi all, I recently went through a bad breakup and became interested in stoicism both as a means to cope with my situation and as a way to improve myself, but I would appreciate some advice for the future about how to approach relationships. I understand that feelings and emotions can be used to guide your actions provides that you understand you have control over your actions outcome, but how do you reconcile being able to love and care about your partner without having to rely on them. I've always thought that in a long term relationship partners should be able to have each others backs, and that without that there can't be trust. Is it possible to be able to trust a partner and have faith that they will support you even if they feel like you can't, and at the same time understand that such things are out of your control and still find contentment from that? It seems contradictory to me to both place that trust and accept the consequences of being wrong to do so.","Give it a try, it works for me and my wife. It is important to not make your happiness dependent on your partner or your relationship, because at the end of the day they are ""external"". You can somewhat influence your relationship but not your partner herself. On the other hand, if you practice virtue, your partner cannot fail you in terms of ""support"", because he/she doesn't know any better and you yourself have given it the best shot. The basic fact that it all is out of my control makes me appreciate it even more, every day. It is like seeing a loved person smile and you enjoy it so much, because this might be the very last time you see that person smile. Memento Mori.",Stoicism and love,,general_qa 253,"I have been going to counseling for about 2 years for various issues, many relating to my emotionally abusive toxic ex wife and PTSD from military and emergency service employment. Along my path of self improvement I discovered Stoicism, which I am reading is common among all of us. I brought up to my counselor that I was reading about various philosophies; she was encouraged by this and asked that I tell her about some that I found interesting. I said that Stoicism was really ringing with me, and the ideas were in sync with my feelings on life and such. She had quite the disapproving facial features. And just said oh. I quickly changed to talking about Buddhism. And the conversation continued without a hitch. Well over the past four or five months, I have studied more about Stoicism, read numerous books from the Epictetus, Seneca, and Marcus Aurelius. As I have implemented more of their lessons into my life, I have really found peace and balance. My counselor has been increasingly encouraged by my progress and even suggested that we decrease the frequency of appointments thanks to my progress. Instead of telling her that I am studying Stoicism. I simply paraphrase the quotes and lessons for her. Like saying that when a urge hits me, I try to detach from it. Analyze the source of the urge and what I hope to accomplish from said urge. Then choose to do it or something else which is actually productive. Productive over destructive choices, always push forward with self improvement. Each time she tells me how wonderful that it is or how amazing of an idea or advance technique this is. Without fail, she endorses the Stoic lessons and rules. Has anyone else experienced this? It seems that Stoicism is part of the base of modern therapy. Or maybe the misperception of Stoicism has caused a biased opinion towards Stoicism.","CBT was literally influenced by stoicism https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy Read the history section",Modern therapy vs Stoicism,,general_qa 254,"In light of everything that's happening in the world, I find it hard to practice stoicism. Ever since I started to take interest on the subject, I discovered more ways to cope with my anxiety because it taught me to focus on the things I could control. To give an example, Epictetus said: ""There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of our will."". I recently read about the injustice that has been occurring in China, particularly the ""ethnic cleansing"" of the Uighurs, and it has sparked an unquenchable rage in me that I could not control. It's pretty depressing how my will to good can never be a disposition to good, no matter how much I try to will it. Feeling powerless sucks and as much as I try to focus on the things I can control, the fact that I am completely powerless in the face of evil is killing me. With that said, how can we, as stoics, approach injustice?","Action against injustice is fine. Both Marcus, as emperor, and Seneca, as a senator, were deeply involved in the affairs of that world. What matters is that you do not make your virtue (or your happiness) depend on the fight or existence of injustice. edit: There is a caveat. I'm not familiar with any positive obligation in Stoicism to fight against injustice. I haven't read enough Seneca to say that with any certainty. I'm just extrapolating based on Seneca's and Marcus' *roles*, not referring to their writings. Epictetus says in Discourses 2.10.7-8 that if we follow philosophy we will be able to better fulfill our roles as sons, fathers, daughters, women, men, and *citizens*. If a component of your citizenship is the fight against injustice then I think that you then can derive a positive obligation from Epictetus. But, again, that's all just exegesis and speculation. Take it for what it's worth.",How can the stoics respond against modern injustice?,,general_qa 255,"Hello everyone! I am new to this subreddit and stoicism as a philosophy. Recently, i had quite a few series of panic episodes and i started seeing a therapist. I have since been diagnosed with general anxiety disorder. I have always been a little more stressed about seemingly mundane things but this stress is getting to me lately and hampering my productivity. I now find myself on edge with thoughts of life and death and purpose and even everyday things like studies and career. All of this makes me feel very muddled and confused and frankly, lost. I was wondering if anyone here could guide me towards adopting stoicism as a way of dealing with general anxiety. Something that helps me ground myself in the present, perhaps? I am reading the Enchiridion by Epictetus and am using it as a guide to calm my fear of death and it has been helpful so far. I still have a long way to go though and need help in staying the present and live a meaningful present. Lately, thoughts about the gone past and the unknown future have been plaguing me a lot. Any books, sayings, comments, suggestions, life stories would be helpful. Thank you :)",'No amount of guilt can change the past. No amount of anxiety can change the future.' I don't know where that saying comes from but that's a good one to remember.,Stoicism for dealing with anxiety,,general_qa 256,"I was struck today reading the Daily Stoic newsletter. I've been reading it for at least a year or more now, and have often found wisdom there , but also a lot of repetition or a meandering essay that might include a stoic thought but not really follow it through. Today the post was about not resigning to injustice, and the essay finished with: ""Thankfully, it's unlikely to come to that today but that doesn't mean we can't take up their spirit and fight in our own way."" This seems incredibly tone-deaf considering what's happening in the streets of the world today. Maybe this post was written months ago and they just drip-feed them out, so it's just bad timing, but even still, that statement caters only to those comfortable enough to not experience that tyranny even before pandemics and civil unrest. It's the most recent example I've found of reading that newsletter and finding an overall middle-road tone that isn't really engaging with the outer world we are faced with, stoicism as only mindfulness, in a way almost abdicating that duty to the community that Marcus Aurelius made such a point to express. Perhaps this is the result of trying to make stoicism and the Daily Stoic into clearly a business, which means the wheel of Content must always turn, churning out content based on that intent vs. a specific, intentional need to express. Something of a rant, but I'm wondering if anyone else has had this same reaction to the blog/newsletter/youtube series? (I say this as someone who really appreciated the work of this newsletter and it was an entry point to me working to live in stoicism, so the criticism is with love. I purchased their Amor Fati coin!) The post in question: [https://dailystoic.com/you-always-have-the-power-to-resist/](https://dailystoic.com/you-always-have-the-power-to-resist/)","I originally got into Stoicism via the William Irvine book many years ago, but as soon as I started just reading the original texts, I never went back to the modern-day explainers, contextualizers, anthologizers etc. I think you are correct that the incentives of living writers are unfortunately such that they need to put out content, and when you need to put out content, it won't always be gold. Time is the best filter for philosophy. These classics are still readable for good reason but I'm not so sure that current popularizations will make it into future history.",Daily Stoic - Watered-down Stoicism?,,general_qa 257,"Hey everyone. I'm new to stoicism and want to learn more about it to better myself. I'm reading meditations and going to read letters from a stoic. But I'm having trouble properly understanding the book It might be the language used or the way it's written. But has anyone else experienced this, if so do you have any advice for better understanding it?","For me, I found just reading a page or so at a time and contemplating what I read was key. Maybe even just one entry. But I wouldn't think you'd absorb anything if you read several pages at once.",Having some trouble reading Aurelius' meditations,,general_qa 258,"I am a Stoic but, also very interested in Japanese culture. Got around to reading about Bushido - come to the realization that it is quite similar to Stoicism's ideals in many respects. Living a life fueled by reason, absolute calm in the face of something frightening or negative, treating your enemies not like enemies, etc. (Aside from killing yourself to preserve honor). Have any of you read about this and what do you think of it? Have you tried to incorporate anything found in Bushido into your Stoic routines? Is there anything you disagree with?","Bushido, while distinct from Stoicism in how each culture expresses its own yearnings for perfection, has at its core the same beating heart: devotion to the Way. How the Way is followed differs; the end result does not: Stoicism teaches the path to freedom through accepting the present moment as it presents itself, and Bushido counsels a mind-set of acting in accordance with a single minded, pure will and intention, referred to as *ichinen,* resulting in the same. From Hagakure: `""All that matters is having single-minded purpose (ichinen) in the here and now. Life is an ongoing succession of ""one will"" at a time, each and every moment. A man who realizes this truth need not hurry to do, or seek, anything else anymore. Just live in the present with single-minded purpose. People forget this important truth, and keep seeking other things to accomplish."" -Yamamoto Tsunetomo` The teachings are rife with similarities, each more profound than the last: `""For what prevents us from saying that the happy life is to have a mind that is free, lofty, fearless and steadfast - a mind that is placed beyond the reach of fear, beyond the reach of desire, that counts virtue the only good, baseness the only evil, and all else but a worthless mass of things, which come and go without increasing or diminishing the highest good, and neither subtract any part from the happy life nor add any part to it?"" -Lucius Seneca` `""A mind free from thought (munen) is one that is pure with correct thought (shonen). Following the Way (michi) is to keep one's mind absolutely uncontaminated from evil, even in a single breath. It is not that there is no thought. The point is to have correct thoughts without letting evil thoughts manifest."" -Tannen of Kodenji Temple` Other aspects of the Way are similarly relevant. Another such is selfless devotion. The Way was all about 'how to follow one's lord and ensure his success.' Replace the ideal of service to one's lord with service to virtue and boom, it's the same. Now, Bushido is, in true Japanese form, a highly stylized yet stripped-down to its core essence, minimalistic reflection of the pursuit of universal truth. Contrast Zen meditation ""just sit"" practices with the symbol-laden prayers of the Christian faith, and you'll have a good sense of the comparison I'm talking about here. They both point to the same thing in the end, and go about it in many similar ways. The form differs, the essence remains the same. `""Write each character without fear of tearing through the paper with your brush. The merits of the character can be decided by a calligraphy expert. Do not be discouraged just because it does not go well."" -Yamamoto Tsunemoto` Bushido teachings also fall prey to many of the same limitations that Stoicism does. For example, the teachings of the Way have a tendency to rely on negatively-bounded principles that restrict rather than empower. `""Knowing the way is to know your own faults. Discovering your imperfections with endless introspection and to remedy them by spending your life training body and mind (shugyo), that is the Way."" -Konan Osho of Soryuji Temple` This focus on ""rooting out your problems"" actually gives your problems more reality than they have. Focus on service, and the ""I"" becomes less of a problem. Focus on the light, embody it, and the darkness fades. Contemporary culture really likes to dive into the Shadow to try and find power and understanding, but it's not really necessary. Still, the road to self-mastery is the same, regardless of the culture: `""I do not know how to defeat others. All I know is the path to defeat myself. Today one must be better than yesterday, and tomorrow better than today. The pursuit of perfection is a lifelong question that has no end."" -Yagyu Munenori` In the end, the only real difference is in how these cultures have decided to frame their choices and apply their energies in support of that frame. These systems of thought are direct representations of the respective collective experience; to one who knows the Way, they see it in all things. Truth is universal. Ignorance is not. `""Think of the life you have lived until now as over and, as a dead man, see what's left as a bonus and live it according to Nature. Love the hand that fate deals you and play it as your own, for what could be more fitting?"" -Marcus Aurelius` `""The Way of the warrior is to be found in dying. If one is faced with two options of life or death, simply settle for death. It is not an especially difficult choice; just go forth and meet it confidently. This is the mind-set of one who firmly lives by the martial Way. Rehearse your death every morning and night. Only when you constantly live as though already a corpse (joju shinimi) will you be able to find freedom in the martial Way, and fulfill your duties without fault throughout your life."" -Jocho`",Thoughts on Bushido?,,general_qa 259,"Hello! Hope you all are doing well today! A few months ago I got started into Stoicism but I haven't been taking it seriously. My friend bought me a book about stoicism, I think the name in English is ""A Guide to the Good Life"" by William B. Irvine. I want to read it and start getting serious on learning more and more about stoicism. What are some advices you could give someone who basically have just started learning about this? Could you recommend some videos, books, pages... That could help someone new into it learn more about stoicism? Thank you in advance! Have a good day!",[FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/Stoicism/wiki/faq) for this sub.,Any recommendations to get started into Stoicism?,,general_qa 260,"What exactly does Stoicism have to say about depression or anxiety? Are there resources for specific techniques? I know cognitive behavioral therapy is influenced by it, but I'm wondering from the Stoics themselves, whether they have specific approaches to depression and anxiety. I would also welcome modern psychology books influenced by the Stoics; I guess I'm just looking for something that doesn't address the everyday troubles we have, but can actually be used to get out of a state like depression (i.e. hopelessness, suicidality). It's hard for someone with depression or anxiety to use the dichotomy of control, let's say, because they attribute very little control to themselves to begin with.","Depression is a disease, and should be treated like one. Although it may certainly help, you can't cure heart disease or cancer with religion or philosophy. Just like how religion can't help a diabetic person create insulin. Our contextual understanding of health science has improved exponentially since the beginning of Stoicism. Medication exists if necessary, although it may be expensive and/or inaccessible. That being said, our mind is powerful. How beautiful is it that we have the capacity for imagination! We can create motivation. We can foster trust and love. As a psychology student, there are a few things that we're taught when it comes to recognising physical symptoms of depression. Address these first, where you can; 1. 6-8 hours of sleep per night, waking at roughly the same time. 2. Eat your required calories, preferably unprocessed. Avoid simple sugars. They're absorbed faster, causing rapid spikes in blood sugar, destabilising your mood. 3. Tend to yourself - brush your teeth, shower, wear clean (and loose) clothing. 4. Drink water. 5. Get a blood test to make sure you aren't deficient in key vitamins or minerals (Vit D, B6, B12, Iron). They can present with similar symptoms. 6. Exercise and sunlight. Going for a 10 minute walk 3x a day. Humans are meant to be moving and active. I understand that sometimes we just can't do things. I've felt it too. But you just need to get the ball rolling. I wish you the best. My messages are always open if you need someone to listen. Be well!",What exactly does Stoicism have to say about depression or anxiety? Are there resources for specific techniques?,,general_qa 261,"I'm pretty new to stoicism, but I really think it's a beautiful concept that could help me better myself. But right now, I have very few friends around and my best friend is treating me like a piece of garbage. So I'm constantly feeling like I've been wronged and can't stop being ""dramatic"" about it. I can't cut ties with her because she is one of the few people I truly trust. But at the same time, I feel like I'm simply done being treated this way despite the many times I've told her about it. So no matter which decision I make, I will feel great pain and the rational side of me cannot make the pain go away, not enough anyways. Yeah yeah, things could be better, I could be dead etc. etc., but that really doesn't help","Please know that negative emotions are part of life. Don't ignore them. Instead accept them with compassion. Find a quiet space, close your eyes, and let the negative emotions pass through you. As they approach, reason with them as they leave, thank them for reminding yourself you are a human that has feelings. We cannot control our environment but we can definitely change the way we respond by looking within ourselves first.","How to deal with negative emotions when they are constantly present and taking over, no matter how positively / rationally you think about them?",,general_qa 262,"I've recently been making the dive into Stoicism after reading a lot of books by Nassim Taleb and Jordan Peterson last year. I like the concept and ability to be content with the way things are, and understanding that there's a higher order within nature that our emotions often cloud us from seeing. I'm about halfway through Meditations now, and there's certainly a lot that has made me look at my life and the world differently and for the better. But when it comes to the parts about not wanting more in life, I just can't get behind it. It seems like something that's so easy to say when you were born rich, grew up rich, and lived rich your entire life. And that's when I realized that a lot of the stoic philosophers were in fact wealthy their entire lives. Choosing to forego luxury doesn't negate the fact that you once lived that life and doesn't change the fact you could return to it at any time. You always have that safety net, you never need to worry. I grew up poor and I have constantly sought to improve myself in life. It's the desire for more that keeps me improving each and every day. Better things, better experiences, to all around become a healthier, happier, and more successful person. And it's this progress that makes me happy, knowing that I'm in control of my life. And this is the human way. Self-actualisation is the greatest thing the human mind could strive for. So it's so easy for these philosophers to be content with nothing after living with everything. Has anybody else had this thought and how did you make sense of it?","Marcus dissociated himself from his former wealthy life. He sold a lot of his possessions to finance the roman army and other government institutions. He spent the last decade of his life living in military camps, - which are far away from beeing luxurious even in the 21st century. He passed laws that have been beneficial for women, children and slaves. This was very dangerous in fact, as it decreases the power of the man in the roman society. And we all know what happened if an roman politician upsets some important roman men. The problems that he faced were the antonine plague, floodings in rome and wars against various germanic tribes. I think he struggled enough despite beeing a wealthy man.",Does anyone stop to consider the fact that Marcus Aurelius and Seneca lived incredibly rich and privileged lives?,,general_qa 263,"Just a question I wanna throw out here, part of stoicism is sitting down once a day to meditate and think about life and its ways. What do you think about when you meditate?(if you do), I'm Curious to hear others meditation practices. For me I sit and think about all the hardships I have been through and try to see a life lesson in these hardships to gain from...which won't work for all things but majority of the time it does give me the opportunity to truly find joy in hardship.","I dont mediate. But today i sat outside for an hour whittling wood and listening to traditional Japanese instrumental music. I didnt think, i only did. This quarinteen has made me feel unbearably lonely, not because i cant go outside but because it has allowed me to realize during this calm and allowed me to think and realize i have very few people who care about me, and even less than very few who actually check on me, actually i cant even remember the last time somebody asked me how i am. This pain wont go away any time soon with any type of philosophy but being outside, putting all my attention into one thing allowed me to forget this heart aching pain im feeling. And even though i dont think ill ever meditate i do think i will allow myself time for doing, and not thinking more often",Do you meditate?,,general_qa 264,"I am fairly new to stoicism, I first discovered the practice of stoicism about 9 months ago and have been wanting to learn stoic principles ever since. I understand a majority of what is said and I take it into my daily life, but some things aren't mentioned as often as others. One of them is generosity, what role does generosity have in stoicism? Is it an optional thing that differs from person to person, or is it believed to be a way to further achieve virtue?","Personally, I don't like to think of it as ""achieving virtue"". It's logic. Generosity improves the society in which you live. This benefits you personally, since you live in that society. It's a win-win. Which makes it a ""good"" thing. Knowing that, gives you a sense of achievement, which in turn makes you happier, which is the end goal.",Where does generosity fall in stoicism?,,general_qa 265,"Reading a lot of these posts, a lot of them inspirational and insightful, it's amazing to see just how many people are reading, practicing and discussing about such an old philosophy. Made me wonder how have you gotten into stoicism? I'm really eager to find out, here's my little story. For a while now I've been interested in philosophy, reading and listening about it, but there was never a philosophy that completely resonated with me, at least not as much as stoicism. When i started going to university last year around october I started listening to a podcast called ""Philosophize this"" (which I have listened to in the past). I was listening to an episode about stoicism and soon realized that a lot of what stoics believe in is something that I do as well. Being an orthodox christian I always believed that everything is fate and that one of the keys to a virtuous life is the control of your emotions and how you react to different people and situations. Started reading some of Seneca's work, and really got into it. I really love stoicism, but I wouldn't call myself a stoic, not yet at least, I've got a lot more to learn before that can happen. Tell me your story!","My wife mentioned that all of my friends and even her friends really look up to me. That actually surprised me and I couldn't understand why because I felt like an average guy that hasn't accomplished anything significant. Somehow in my Google searches while trying to understand what I'm doing to gain that respect, I found stoicism and it was crazy how close it aligned to my values. I thought I was weird for taking so many things in stride (death, job changes, gentrification, people getting angry for seemingly no reason) and thought it was just because I was a history major and understood that these types of things have happened since forever. I was always good at focusing on what I can change and understanding what I cannot. I am also big on self improvement with career, health and trying new things. I just finished Meditations and now follow this sub and it has been so nice to have stoicism philosophy as a guide. Before I went with what felt right based on my values, talking with friends, and usually a lot of online research, but now I feel more confident making decisions myself because I realize I'm aligned with stoicism. I still have a lot to learn, but appreciate this sub!",How did you get in contact with stoicism?,,general_qa 266,"im new to stoicism and was reading The Enchiridion about how one should not care about things outside of ones control. I practiced this for a week and was really surprised seeing just how non-negative i was. I felt much free-er in my mind. But something happened recently. A couple of people made fun of me and i didnt react. i didnt even defend myself, i simply didnt care what they thought or said Later though, i regretted it. I realised that my reputation or value had decreased. My place in the social hierarchy had decreased as people thought of me as a pushover. I contemplated about how this affected the way people treated me and i realised that my respect did indeed decrease. i felt angry at those who made fun of me and also at myself for not saying anything. Then, i got to thinking of how to prevent this from happening again, ways to change the topic, witty comebacks and what not. I realised i was caring about something i did not have full control over Should i continue to seek reputation knowing that it isnt in my full control or should i try to not care. Maybe i could see my comebacks and ways to defend myself as something that are fully in my control but i feel like i would still be too attached to the final outcome i.e my reputation",Abraham Lincoln said that reputation is like a shadow. It's a byproduct of how you live so just do the best you can with what you have,To seek reputation or not to,,general_qa 267,"The third world presents intense and often demoralizing situations, making you feel helpless, depressed and anxious. I am 23yrs, working as a Junior Architect for a firm that pays me 200$ a month (yes you read that right, thats how much we get paid here. Admittedly, its really low even by India's standard, for a graduate.) This is because there are an incredible amount of people vying for that one job that the employer's can exploit the demand and supply channel. But my problem is not with the peanuts I get paid, its with the insane working hours that are chipping away my mental strength. We work 6 days a week from 10am to about 9-10pm regularly, and in case of emergency work, we pull off all nighters, sometimes 2 nights back to back. I feel this is nothing less than modern day slavery but I have no choice. I am very well aware that the job I hate is a dream for thousands here, who have none. And so do my employers, who threaten with firing (and do fire people) if any of us revolt. I try to stay positive and fresh but everyday seems like its trying to break me. I want to meditate,exercise, read a book and play a video game perhaps but I am extremely tired all the time. I am constantly looking for a new job but the economy was really bad here even before the Covid situation and after the lockdown and work from home, I think I will have to stay with my office for a long time. I am an atheist and an optimistic nihilist, and an avid fan of stoicism (read a lot during my college years) but my situation here is something I can't think possibly have peace and rest. Every morning I try to tell myself it's not that bad, you are surviving and you will. But honestly, right now, I really don't mind dying. I love to live, don't get me wrong. I hug my mother everyday and talk to her with whatever time I get, but the anxiety bodes over me all the time. Even in the office I try to joke around just try to enjoy my time there. I talk to myself to calm down, try to analyse the situation and accept it, but the pain never leaves. I just can't leave the job with absolutely no source of income from my side to help my family financially. My father works too but we definitely need more money. I am really helpless and distressed as I have mentioned perhaps a 100 times before, do you guys think there's a way out? I know some responses will be, stick there and you will find a way out, but honestly, I keep remembering Marcus Aurelius' quote regarding when if life gets too overwhelming, suicide is not a bad option.","My first thought is that you should really focus on Epictetus writings. He was literally a Slave Stoic. I'm sure digging into his writings could be enlightening to see how a slave used stoicism on the daily. Here are some pretty solid excerpts: https://movemequotes.com/epictetus-quotes-from-the-art-of-living/",Stoicism in the 3rd world? In need of dire help!,,general_qa 268,"So I was depressed for the good part of 6 years and then I came across stoicism. It's made me feel a lot better, made me understand values and morals and proper virtues and understand my emotions and a little about other people as well. It's made me a lot happier. However, yesterday I couldn't hold it in anymore and I lashed out and smashed up my outhouse, ripped the blinds off the wall and threw the printer and the hoover out the door and they broke. I knew I was having a bad day and I just wanted to print a photo of my great grandad (from ww1) out as it's been restored, but the printer said there's no paper when there was and I let it get to me, so I threw it, mum came in and shouted and said ""you're just like Derrick (abusive ex-stepdad), and I just lost myself totally. I've been doing so well for so long and maybe it's a lot of things built up like a second lockdown (I live in the U.K) and it doesn't help being autistic I know, what can I do to be better? I really wanna be a better person and I don't wanna frighten my mum like that again, she phoned the police on me and the policeman sort of just spoke to me and understood me and made me feel like I was on his level, instead of talking down to me you know?","What you are doing now is one of the ways to get better, you are acknowledging what you did , you understand it's consequence and you want to stop scaring your mom again. Not only acknowledging what happens is a step, but also talking about it as you are now. There is power in verbalizing or typing your thoughts and feelings like you are right now. Some key points you bring up in your text, - Abusive ex step dad , has violence been present in your upbringing? - the corona situation is a test for everyone and already being alone or being in a weakened state of mind can make it tougher - you have been depressed for several years To me your behavior is perfectly normal based on the circumstances you are explaining, I understand that you don't want to feel or let go in this way and be destructive, I'm not sure about your perception about yourself on what happened I hope that you are not self loathing or criticizing yourself further into depression. It is what it is, you know what has happened, what do you think you can do about it? is it possible for you to think about actions you can do? Example actions I can think of. If your relationship with your mom is okay I think both of you would benefit from talking together about what happened, it sounds like you reminded her of past abuse which is the cause of her unfair blame on you for being as her ex. Seeking therapist counseling together about your relation and individual help for yourself is a great forum for guidance. I'm not sure how accessible or affordable mental health care is in the UK but I would recommend you to look into it. Stoicism is a great tool and outlook on life, and I urge you to continue to study the principles but I think you need to find someone to talk to, either a therapist, a friend or find a mentor. I wish you luck, sorry for not really answering your question I hope you find my thoughts valuable anyways",I've been doing so well.. apart from yesterday.,,general_qa 269,"I know it's really weird and dumb question. People like Elon musk or other entrepreneurs who are considered to be stoic or following stoicism partially, always stress on thinking long term like 10, 50, 100years but on contrary stoicism says ""you can leave life right now(meditations)"" or don't give too importance to future. So what's the point of thinking way far in future if stoicism is all about present? Please be easy on me stoics; I'm newbie in stoic philosophy.","""A society grows great when old men plant trees in whose shade they know they shall never sit."" Learn to take joy in the present knowing that your actions are made for the benefit of the future. Practice it. It's a skill. Practice generosity, kindness, forgiveness, giving rather than taking, creating rather than consuming. Find joy in those acts. Be kind and forgive yourself when you falter. Be better at it tomorrow than you are today. Take joy in the practice.",Why think long term when you have a short life?,,general_qa 270,"The past few months I've been studying a lot about Stoicism and how I can practice it in my life. I am beginning to uphold the 4 principles of Stoicism however there is one thing inside me that has been the real enemy, that is my emotion is somewhat immature. When speaking of immature emotion, I am relating this to the relationships I have with my parents and girlfriend. In some ways, I reacted quite similarly towards both of them whenever my needs are not met. This is mostly notable whenever I expect them to understand me, without I say what's troubling me. (This is usually the case for any couple and child-parents relationship). So here I am seeking knowledge and wisdom through the Stoic Ways on how can I change this. And how can I see strength in opening up and be vulnerable towards those I love.","'Begin each day by telling yourself: Today I shall be meeting with interference, ingratitude, insolence, disloyalty, ill-will, and selfishness - all of them due to the offenders' ignorance of what is good or evil. But for my part I have long perceived the nature of good and its nobility, the nature of evil and its meanness, and also the nature of the culprit himself, who is my brother (not in the physical sense, but as a fellow creature similarly endowed with reason and a share of the divine); therefore none of those things can injure me, for nobody can implicate me in what is degrading. Neither can I be angry with my brother or fall foul of him; for he and I were born to work together, like a man's two hands, feet or eyelids, or the upper and lower rows of his teeth. To obstruct each other is against Nature's law - and what is irritation or aversion but a form of obstruction.' - Marcus Aurelius",What is the Stoic solution to emotionally immature person?,,general_qa 271,"New to stoicism, After a life of trauma, I realised philosophy or religion are the only things that can take me through life. Never believed much in God and was always fascinated by philosophy. So all my life, I have worked hard, but was never appreciated. I was plagued by self doubt, self esteem issues. It's called complex trauma arising out of dysfunctional families. I have worked through most of the traumatic experiences. But I still have a strong need for the appreciation but nowhere to get it, does stoicism say anything about not need validation ?","I have a similar thing. I tried the traditional self-esteem route but it actually ended up making things worse. I started to develop panic attacks and fall into deep depressions. Stoicism is what saved my life. Stoicism taught me to abandon self-esteem and self-worth. And taught me to focus on being a good person. My wellbeing now is tied in to my virtue. My intentions, attempts, actions, and thoughts. It doesn't matter if I'm ugly or fat or hated or lonely or poor or worthy or unworthy or confident or meek or whatever. What matters is virtue. Virtue is actionable and powerful by itself. It requires no self-esteem. The mother duck that fights a massive predator to protect her babies has no self esteem in her mind. She only has what is right and wrong. And her babies dying is wrong. And she must be virtuous and protect her babies. Our strength, confidence and peace can come from that. From whether we are doing good things or not. And if you aren't virtuous then you logically wouldn't be happy and shouldn't be confident. It takes time and training but it works amazingly well. Self-esteem has been a corruption. An obsession with the ego and forever wondering if you are attractive enough or whether people will like you or not or whether you can get something or not. We must not live like that. We must live to do the right things, regardless of the consequences. If doing the right thing means someone will hate us, so be it. If doing the right thing means others won't help you, so be it. It's not a philosophy of convenience and easy pleasure. It's a path of virtue and righteousness.",How do stoics tend to needs like need for appreciation and validation ?,,general_qa 272,"Hi, im new to this subreddit and im starting to get into stoicism. I have a friend that has major problems with anxiety (not the social kind) and has had problems with thryoid hormones in the past. She worries so much about trivial stuff it turns into fullblown paranoia. In most cases its something she can control the outcome of. She cant even sleep at night becouse it bothers her so much. I gave her the usual advice ""dont worry about things that are out of your control"" but she just wont take it. She asked me to post this question. I am asking you guys for help to write her advice how would a stoic deal with this, dont be shy with length of text the more the merrier!","Someone else posted a comment on a similar thread so damn good I copied it: Stoicism has been helpful in the sense that it is a philosophy in which you are encouraged to identify what you know you logically need to do to live correctly and then do it, but it was never directly helpful in stopping the anxiety. What I mean is that the general Stoic philosophy of placing a space between stimulus and response really didn't help because I didn't have complete control over it. There was no direct stimulus that let to the anxiety response. What did help was identifying that I absolutely did need to commit to managing the disease with no allowable excuses. I knew alcohol exacerbated the disease, so I committed to quitting. I couldn't really control my immediate annoyance about not being able to drink, but I could control my response to that annoyance, which was to ignore it because that was the logical way forward. Over time, that annoyance faded as I refused to feed that emotion. I knew exercise moderated the disease, so I committed to doing it regularly. If I thought exercise sucked, I couldn't really directly control that, but I could control my response to that suck feeling, which was to do the exercise that I had planned anyway. If necessary, I could decide to research an exercise that I wouldn't think sucked for the next time, but the only logical choice forward was to do the exercise that I had planned. Otherwise I'd trick myself into not exercising at all. I knew that medication had the possibility of helping, so I went to a doctor. I was lucky in the the third one seems to be helping. If it didn't, I'd commit to seeking out other meds or treatments (like CBT). I knew that minfulness meditation could reduce the frequency of my anxiety snowballing into a full blown attack, so now I'm a hippie meditator because it's logically what I need to do to ensure that I am committing to the management of my disease. Finally, Stoicism allows an acknowledgement of an imperfect world. I probably will never be cured of my anxiety, All I can do is accept my fate and control the things that are within my ability control within that fate.",Advice for how to deal with anxiety without medication.,,general_qa 273,"Still new to Stoicism, but over the past year I've been trying to develop a stoic mindset over an ongoing personal difficulty. Some questions have occurred to me recently... Does stoic emotion-management ever become self-inflicted numbness? By refusing to be affected by (or avoiding situations which I know will elicit) undesirable emotions, am I reducing the richness of my life in a negative way? Most strong emotions (in my case, unrequited love) have both good and bad sides.. by disallowing them to dictate my mental state and behaviour, am I missing out on the good stuff? If not, how can I separate these? And if so, when is numbness better than the alternative? Sorry about the vague / poorly written questions.. I would appreciate any thoughts, or reading recommendations about related ideas.","The answer is not to numb your emotions, but manage them by changing your values. For example if I scratch my car and I'm attached to it, I'll be stressed. If I look at it in a ""oh, it's just a car, these things happen, I just need to repair it"" kind of way, there's neither stress nor numbness. Stoics moved their values completely to the realm of their own choices and judgments and stated that everything else is an external and indifferent. This way they weren't affected by anything they couldn't control. Of course this takes practice.",Emotion management or self-induced numbness - where's the line?,,general_qa 274,"Hello guys. I am a 19yr old living in Luxembourg. I started practicing Stoicism to cope with my anxiety 2 months ago, and the results have been very good! However, yesterday, my mom got phone calls from my uncle claiming that my mom burnt the skin of my cousin ( my mom removes hair from females as a part-time job ). He said they were going to the doctor to check out if it was burnt or an infection in the skin, and if it were burnt, they would call the police on us, which is very bad because my mom has a job, and she does this hair removal thing as a hobby without a diploma. The fact is, we've seen the photos of her skin and we are sure it is an infection and my mom had nothing to with it, but I just can't stop thinking about the final outcome, because my family doesn't get along well and they'll do anything to destroy our lives. We have already a hard time being immigrants. I know I should not focus on the outcome, and that always worked for small things in life but this one can be a disaster. What can I do? Please I really need some tips, because I've been dying from anxiety for the last day.","Wow - that sounds like a terrible situation. It sounds like there isn't much you can do yourself except to try to be strong. Hopefully, your uncle will back off. Just try to remember the only thing you can control, which would be your actions and your reactions to your uncle. He sounds like he is trying to upset you all on purpose. Try not to react to him.","I don't focus on the outcome, but the outcome can be very bad. HELP",,general_qa 275,"One of the main critiques of Stoicism is that ""passions"", in the general sense, are condemned. For example, ""the sage does not feel sympathy: when his wife or his children die, he reflects that this event is no obstacle to his own virtue, and he does not suffer deeply."" - Betrand Russell in *The History of Western Philosophy,* Chapter on Stoicism I understand that this way of thinking made perfect sense in the time of the Roman Empire, but how can we develop a modern adaptation of Stoicism that does not involve this intensely cynical element, or as Russell put it, a ""coldness""? Stoicism has immensely helped me center myself, and find a sense of spiritual tranquility, but it does not account for *why* I should pursue my dreams in the face of uncertainty. For this, I have turned to existentialism-- most notably, Viktor Frankl-- but I am curious if any of you have interpreted Stoicism in a different way; A way in which passions, love, dreams, etc. are to be encouraged and held onto, while still respecting their impermanence. It's a practical philosophy, but right now, I need something more than what is practical. Any thoughts about the relation of Stoicism and the modern context of finding purpose would be appreciated.",I'd agree that it's an incomplete philosophy. Frankl is a good place to start. His logotherapy is very interesting. I have a friend from high school who is now a physiologist and uses Frankl method quite often.,Is Stoicism by itself an Incomplete Philosophy?,,general_qa 276,"16/M just started learning about Stoicism. I love reading, and I would like to ask this community to recommend me books about this mindset/lifestyle. Bonus if the books are not that hard to read and understand",The Meditations of Marcus Aurelius. Everyone always says it but it popular for a reason,New to Stoicism,,general_qa 277,"I'm reading Marcus Aurelius Meditations (this is my first approach to stoicism) and I have a question. I read the FAQs here and I think that the section about determinism and free will could have the answer, but I still can't get it and I need your help. As far as I've read, Marcus Aurelius says that men should live according to their nature, and he describes a general human nature that is good because it follows the ""universal fate"" (I don't know how to call it, I'm still new to this, but I hope you understand what I mean. It's related to determinism). For example, he says that a man is like a member of the body: he needs to cooperate with the other members (other men) to accomplish a general purpose (of this ""fate""). My question is: evil men exist, and I suppose that this happens because their existence is necessary for the ""final purpose"". Hence, being evil is their nature needed by the universe. So, when in the book I read how Marcus Aurelius suggests how to become a virtous man, I'm confused: does he think that his concept of virtue is the ""true one""? Or does he think that an evil man is virtuous because he follows his purpose in the universe? I hope this is not a stupid question, but I really couldn't get an answer. He seems to describe a perfect sage, but evil people also cooperate for a purpose, in their own way. I'm sorry about my English and I hope I was clear. Since I'm new to stoicism, I couldn't be more precise.","Living according to nature is living virtuously as you noted. That was because the Stoics viewed virtue (reason and morality) as what made humans, human. So ""evil"" persons, or people not living virtuous lives, are simply not following human nature fully. Epictetus even suggests they are following other animals natures, when they are obsessed with revenge, violence, sex, etc. Help?","Marcus Aurelius and living according to a ""wrong"" nature",,general_qa 278,"As a preface, I dont know a lot about Stoicism but I am a Buddhist, which I have heard share similar principles to Stoicism. I came across this individual who claims to have studied Stoicism for 5 years, which if true, paints a really bad image of Stoicism for me considering their behavior and way of handling differing opinions. First of all, the argument started when another individual was expressing sympathy for a woman who had began tearing up because a waitress had gotten her order wrong. In response, the individual in question claimed that she was being ""way too sensitive"" and that was when shit kinda hit the fan. Looking at their responses, they use a lot of personal attacks like ""you clearly weren't loved enough as a child"" to ""you must have an inferiority complex"" and just overall being extremely condescending to their opponents and undermining their arguments. Others have also expressed some doubts that this individual is truly a Stoic to which they responded by offering their own explanation of what Stoicism is. In their words, Stoicism is ""not about suppressing emotion, it's about controlling it via reason."" ""If something doesn't make you a worse man, it can't be bad for you. Bad things happen, but it's your judgement of the pain that causes you pain, not the act itself. Stoics feel emotions, immensely so, and relish in positive emotion, but make an effort to change their perception of negative emotion."" I dont know much about Stoicism, but this explanation is certainly what I perceived to be a core principle of the philosophy. From my perspective, it seems they are only using Stoicism as a sort of tool in an attempt to give them some... moral high ground I guess? There was no need for them to bring it up as the original argument was about whether or not the woman's reaction was appropriate. They just inserted their claim that they had studied psychology for 4 years at a university and Stoicism for 5 years. I see it as an attempt to give themselves more credibility. Claiming to be an avid Stoic in particular makes it seem like they want to be regarded as ""holier than thou."" They make no effort to acknowledge the opinion of the other party, but instead demean them for having it. Surely this is not how a Stoic should strive to act? I wanted to ask this for the purpose of learning more about Stoicism. I guess a benefit from coming across this individual sort of rekindled my interest in stoic philosophy. As a Buddhist, I was very surprised to see a self-proclaimed stoic act in this manner as I was under the impression that Buddhists and Stoics tend to avoid using personal attacks in arguments and make an effort to understand the other party. I hope you all can help me :) Edit: Thank you to everyone who responded to this post. They have all been very insightful!","I think the best advice I can give you is to check [our FAQ](http://www.reddit.com/r/Stoicism/wiki/faq) so you get a better idea about what Stoicism is about, so you can decide for yourself. There's a section about common misconceptions, and it includes the question about whether Stoicism advocates being hard-hearted or callous to others.",Person claims to have studied Stoicism for 5 years but is incredibly condescending. Is this how a Stoic should act?,,general_qa 279,"I think one of the hardest concepts in Stoicism for modern people to grasp (at least, it is for me), because it is so foreign to us, is the idea that how much effort we put toward a task and how much we care about the outcome of that task need not be at all correlated. This is, as I understand it, the idea behind preferred indifferents. For example: I may work very hard to get a promotion. The Stoics would be fine with this. If someone less qualified than me gets the promotion instead, however, the Stoics would say winning was a preferred indifferent, and so long as I tried my best I should not be disappointed that I lost (it may have been due to other factors outside my control). Modern culture might say that I'm then being complacent. The Stoics would say if I think the promotion decision was unfair and there is something I can do to correct the situation without violating any virtues, then I should still pursue that course of action. Modern culture would then say ""Ah! So you do care about winning!"" To which the Stoics would say ""no, you are indifferent to whether or not you get the promotion"" ""Then why go to the effort to rectify the situation?"" ...and so on. I find this concept very slippery. In a sense I should care a lot about preferred indifferents, because I should put very real and significant effort toward pursuing them. Often more so than the average person. Normally this would mean that I really care about the outcome, because why else would I be trying so hard? But no, I should be indifferent to the outcome. I think I get tripped up because modern language lacks a word for this. When I think to myself that I ""care"" about the outcome, that simultaneously implies that I will put in effort to achieve the outcome, but also that I will be negatively emotionally affected if I fail to achieve the outcome. Is there a word, or concept, to mean the former but not the latter? Said differently, if I am very motivated to work hard to achieve the outcome, while simultaneously being indifferent to whether or not I ultimately succeed in achieving the outcome, then I ~~care~~ about the outcome (what word or concept replaces care?).","My dad was the most Stoic person I knew (before I knew about Stoicism), and he had a word for the Stoic version, as I understand you anyway. He'd call it a ""'druther."" As in, ""I'd rather / I druther get the promotion than not."" And if not, well that's a bummer, especially if you worked hard. But seeing as it's just a 'druther and not a need or a hope, it's possible to attend to the next part of life without being distracted by what you missed. I imagine you're looking for a real word, but in my mind, the difference is in having a 'druther vs. having an emotional attachment to an outcome (ie, hope). Because it really is a difference, even if it sounds subtle.",Is there a word for the motivation that we should use to drive us to pursue preferred indifferents?,,general_qa 280,Trying to improve ourselves in regards to the four cardinal virtues can be very hard at times. It's at those times when I ask myself why I am trying to hard to be virtuous. And I haven't been able to ground a good answer. What does Stoicism have to say about this? Why should we strive to be virtuous?,"The first, and perhaps main, thing to note is that the Stoics actually give several answers to this question, not just one. That's because they stood downstream from a centuries old philosophical tradition that had already furnished many arguments, from different schools and perspectives, to support essentially the same conclusion. Indeed, virtually all ancient Greek and Roman schools of philosophy believed that we should strive to be virtuous, although the Epicureans had a somewhat ambivalent attitude toward virtue. So the bad news is that you're not going to get a comprehensive answer to your question in a short conversation because it's definitely too broad for that. The good news is that there are several simple arguments you can try to pick out of the Stoic literature. One is that as reasoning creatures we're already committed to using reason well and grasping truth and doing so optimally would lead to the virtue of wisdom. Then the Stoics will argue that the other virtues can be derived from that basic commitment to truth and wisdom. Another line of argument is that we typically admire virtues in other people and that it would therefore be inconsistent of us (hypocritical) not to aspire to the same qualities ourselves. A third line of argument (from Plato's Euthydemus) is that the things most people typically judge good or bad (health, wealth, reputation, etc.) can, on closer inspection be used for either good or evil, wisely or foolishly, and that what we really mean is that these things are good if used wisely, from which you can infer that it's actually the ability to use them wisely, i.e., the virtue of wisdom that's the good and that these other things are merely a means to an end, and therefore relatively ""indifferent"", or morally neutral, in themselves. There are, though, other lines of argument and, of course, many other supporting arguments, assumed by the Stoics or stated in their surviving literature.","According to Stoic philosophy, why should we strive to be virtuous?",,general_qa 281,"hello all! I am new to Stoicism, and am currently in the process of my first read-through of Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. I've struggled with assertiveness and setting boundaries in the past, and in reading Meditations, there was a passage that kind of raised some questions. In the third part of Book 4, when talking about complaints one might have in response to other people's misbehaviour, Aurelius says to consider: ""- that doing what's right sometimes requires patience; - that no one does the wrong thing deliberately; - and the number of people who have feuded and envied and hated and fought and died and been buried"" It essentially boils down to not confronting other's misbehaviour, but rather being patient and thinking about how such arguments are a waste of time in the big picture. I'm just not sure how I feel about this! Would this response apply to situations where people treat you unfairly or do things that you are uncomfortable with? My first thought would be that setting boundaries is something that is within your power to do in response to mistreatment, making it a Stoic response, but that is very different to what this section of Meditations proclaims! It is possible that my question may be addressed later in the text, but I was just curious if anyone in this community has any insights that might help me here","Marcus Aurelius wrote his meditations as a journal of advice for himself for specific situations he was dealing with as the Emperor of Rome, and this passage sounds to me like he is talking about exactly that. He explicitly did not even want the book published (which it was shortly after his death). Please keep in mind that nothing in there is meant as generalized life advice for *you*, or that you *must* follow it relative to the situations in your own life. If someone is violating your healthy personal boundaries, then patiently waiting for them to stop doing it without in any way communicating to them that you want them to stop will not succeed as a strategy. People sometimes violate other people's boundaries deliberately. Quite often really. Sometimes they do it on accident too or out of ignorance. In my opinion a stoic response would not be passively letting other people violate your boundaries. Instead it would be to clearly and assertively state your boundaries using nonviolent communication followed up with a request for the person to change their behavior **while accepting that they might not be willing to change their behavior**. The point of the communication is to hopefully convince them to see from your perspective that their actions are violating your healthy boundaries and then they will be willing to stop (out of respect for your shared humanity). These aren't ""stoic"" texts, but you might get a lot out of reading *Nonviolent Communication* by Marshall Rosenberg and *Codependent No More* by Melody Beattie. They seem pretty compatible with the stoic mindset in the sense that they teach you how to assert your needs and boundaries using communication while at the same time acknowledging that you cannot control other people.",what is a stoic way to set boundaries/address issues with others?,,general_qa 282,"so i am sitting and talking to this girl, we are having a good energetic conversation faced towards each other. this guy who is kinda of an alpha and sometimes-douchey, who i know for a fact seeks reputation and power , comes from the opposite side asking a question about our physics paper. the girl turns towards him to answer him, now her back is faced towards me, and i am expecting that this will be a short doubt. But it turns into a long discussion. 1-2 mins into their doubt-solving-convo, i have taken out a book and have started reading but i am still facing this girl bcuz i had adjusted my legs that way when i was talking to her. If i had moved my legs to the front it would have clearly looked like this guy just came in and stole the person i was talking to,so i just sat in a cross reading my book waiting for their convo to end. then this guy turns to me with a smirk and asks me to give him a pen to write the answer in his book. now this part makes no sense. clearly he can ask her, theres nothing i am doing that makes it seem like i would have a pen on me or that she wouldnt. i shrug to tell him i would have to look for it in my bag and the girl cuts me off before i do that to give the guy her pen. I feel like that was a power move by the guy. 1st by making me follow his order he would have set an unspoken authority-subordinate relationship and 2nd to make it acknowledged between us that the person i was talking to so energetically with just a few minutes ago ,was now not because she was talking to him. He left after 5-6mins and the girl turned to my direction again and my convo with her resumed. i know this seems over-analysing but i have seen this guy practice other malicious/not-straightforward tactics with other people to make himself look superior. He doesnt like to be underminded and likes attention and power along with reputation. What should have i done? I feel like i would have lost or felt lower in social standing had she not given him her pen, or if our conversation had not returned back after he left. What would have been a counter-move?should i have moved my legs back and faced in front to act as if i have moved on from the convo or whatever? should i have called him on asking me for a pen -but that would be too aggressive i think. what should have i done?? i feel like in these subtle psychological warfares where social hierarchies are formed sub-consciously in everybody's mind i find it difficult to assert my place properly. stoicism says i should care about things within my control and how i am treated or manipulated by others is something i can control something i can analyse and plan ahead to defend myself. following that line of thought, or arguing against it, i would appreciate any help any suggestion/advice is appreciated.","You can't control how you're treated, only how you respond to it. Your ""social standing"" in a group is something you can't control. You need to act virtuously and accept how your social group arranges itself. Chasing status is a very easy way to fall into vices while you try to fit in and be accepted. Seneca wrote ""be in the crowd but not of the crowd"", as social creatures we need to associate with people and do so virtuously, and always keep in mind that any social connection, recognition or status is an indifferent and you should not compromise your values to gain any of them.",controlling how i am treated,,general_qa 283,"I'm a very result oriented and a loss averse person, prone to abandoning tasks that I can't imagine going my way. It has caused me several losses but I'm unable to abandon the logic itself. It seems to me that putting effort in a project or person that is not beneficial is pointless and a waste of energy. This also confuses me when people have patience in times when they can't possibly imagine a positive outcome or only a very slim chance, given that they have through the possible outcomes and not just blocked them. What can stoicism tell me about this? Is my logic flawed and I should become process oriented than result oriented? Or simply a more realistic desire of the results is suitable? Thanks in advance!",">It seems to me that putting effort in a project or person that is not beneficial is pointless and a waste of energy. The end result of a symphony is silence and the end result of life is death, but the best symphonies aren't the ones played the fastest, and the best lives aren't the shortest. Eventually everything that exists will fade away to nothing. Not only is the happy life the one that is worth living for its own sake, but the idea that you can ultimately achieve anything OTHER than happiness or virtue is a temporal illusion. Everything fades to dust. If you're not doing things which are self-justifying, things which come out of you spontaneously, then you're by definition unsatisfied. If you have what you want, but you're unsatisfied with your state of activity, then you're unhappy. But if something is self-justifying, it's not something which benefits anything else, it's pointless from the perspective of anything else.",Result oriented vs Process oriented mindset,,general_qa 284,"Hello everyone, I have hesitated to express this question but I really would like to get your ideas on an issue. I am a highly interested but new stoic reader and have been going through a rough patch (loss of a family member, romantic relationship coming to an end after 8 years). I would like to get your opinion on something: I am about to finish my master's at a very good university in Germany (with average grades). I have worked a lot on my goals and made sacrifices by moving out of my country only for my studies, started work to pay the bills pretty young and worked on my CV from day 1 to get into one of the 3 big consulting firms. Sadly enough, I have even defined myself with these goals and gave everything to reach them with a big fat resume instead of sometimes preferring my own wellness and joy. Recently I have been applying for those positions and received immediate rejections, which devastated me. We get along in my small circle of friends, whereas some of them applied and got invited to these firms, although they didn't even know of them until recently and didn't even care for them. Although I am happy for my friends and want the best for them, I feel very disappointed in myself for being the only one in our long-time group, who has failed his ideal. Now, most of what we talk about are applications and I am drifting away from them. I know that early texts in stoicism condemn ""comparing oneself to others"" or ""envy that can end up in resentment"" but do you have any good advice for dealing with this disappointment? Or any good experiences? Thank you for your time","Everyone has their own pace and in the end, you will get there as well. What is happening to you is merely a test of your character. Be strong, both in mind and spirit. Do not let this circumstance define you as someone unworthy. You are.",How to deal with failing your dreams and having all your friends reach them,,general_qa 285,"As an avid book lover, practitioner of Stoicism, and a person who studied philosophy extensively, I think this subreddit would benefit from reviews of famous Stoic literature and other related books. The book reviews will not simply be a rehash of what is written in the texts but will try to give a glimpse to the author's intentions, thematic meaning and interpretation, what it teaches us about the Stoic tradition, and what can be criticised or questions we should ask ourselves. I'm about to finish Seneca's ""Letters from a Stoic"" or ""Moral Letters"" and so would be my first one.","I would very much like this. Im new.. just started reading enchiridion... The first half is a very days ready, tend to get bogged down after that as the points become more expanded and become a bit more cultural for that time. Have actually read first half a couple times and going to finish it off before j get too distracted again.. Really would be good to know what I should read next. Onxe I move out (trying to finalize divorce) I will have more free time to tear into stuff. Also been working my butt off to meet deadlines but likely losing job . Don't plan to take advantage of this extra time, also spend more time in the mountains.. maybe do both same time.. :)",Would people here like some reviews on Stoic texts and related literature?,,general_qa 286,"25 year old male here. I have been reading Stoic philosophy and it has resonated with me. It makes perfect sense when things are going well. But to practice it when things are going bad is the difficult part. Today I have an opportunity to practice it. I am a final year computer science student and there is a module I have worked hard. The final mark is 60% exam and 40% course work. Yesterday the professor screwed me over in the coursework viva for some minor error. I know that it is completely unjustified and I personally know people who haven't implemented half the stuff I did and still got better marks. Even he, in the end, admitted that a certain key feature in the CW has only been implemented by a few students including me but because I made this one error he will disregard an entire section of the coursework. And he asked me whether I helped anyone else with that difficult section. I told him that I might have pointed them to resources in learning that. And he said ""that's your problem. You shouldn't give hints or help others in the final year. It's all a competition. The people you gave hints got 90s' while you get a B grade."" At this point there is no other course of action. He is the only person who is specialized in that certain technology the cw is based on. The only thing that happens if I complain further is everyone else will be remarked and others will probably get lesser marks instead of my marks increasing. He is arrogant like that and will never change his mind. My grade is still salvageable depending on the exam marks and this is still out of my control since the exam is already over. Fighting him further will not help me. So, yesterday I was feeling the negative thoughts bombarding my mind on repeat. And I started feeling a painful sensation in my chest. I have recorded snippets of stoic wisdom and play these on my phone. So I understand that this is the nature of life. > Don't demand that things happen as you wish, but wish that they happen as they do happen, and you will go on well -Epictatus > >Only thing we can do is to make the best use of what is in our power and treat the rest in accordance with it's nature"" - Epictetus > >what is under my control and what is not under my control. What I can do and what I cannot do - Epictetus > >good and bad things happen indiscriminately to good and bad alike. But death and life, success and failure, pain and pleasure, wealth and poverty, all these happen to good and bad alike, and they are neither noble nor shameful. - - Marcus Aurelius But even though I know this, I still find myself upset over it, or thoughts about it ruminating in my mind or that slight pain in the chest. And I was speaking to my mother today and I was irritable towards her. I feel that my mood is different. And that happens automatically even though I rationally know that there is no point being upset about something I have no control over. And naturally, I have a tendency to get a bit overly upset over stressful events happening in life which if unchecks develops into depression. I have gone to several psychologists since teenage years but they were not helpful. I feel that most of them are too technical and do not have a broader experience or idea about life. I recently found a more experienced psychologist but I cannot afford therapy right now. This particular incident is not too large to develop into a depression. But I realized how much my mental state is at the mercy of things outside of my control. Please help me use stoicism to develop more resilience in times when things don't go well.","__BREATHE__. Deep and slow. Remember that what others do speaks of them. How you react speaks of you. Remember that you are going to die someday, perhaps even tomorrow. If this were your last day on earth, would the present struggle truly be the most pressing thing in your life? Remember that the obstacle is the path. Every hardship and struggle is an opportunity for you to become a better person, to broaden your experience and train your mind. How you react, positively or negatively, will be reinforcement toward how you react in the future. Remember that no matter what happens __YOU WILL BE OKAY__. As long as you know so it will be so, even in the face of your inevitable death.",It is very difficult to practice stoicism when feeling depressed or when things are going bad.,,general_qa 287,"I'm a 16 year old male and i started to be interested in stoicism a year ago. Since then i've watched a lot of videos about the topic and i've even read parts of the encheiridion and kept up to date with ""The Daily Stoic"" by Ryan Holiday. I have a very unhappy life. I try to stay in a good mindset and apply stoic ideas to my everyday life. I also started journaling, meditating and working out daily couple of months ago. My psychologist recently ended therapy with me and i moved on to group therapy but still it's hard to feel well and live like i stoic while getting beaten and emotionaly abused by my family. I've broken up with my girlfriend wich means i have no emotional support anymore. Some days i lack the motivation to get out of bed and do elearning or my chores. I'm not depressed now but i think i was through out July and August of 2020. I was considering and still sometimes am considering suicide to this day. I don't know how to deal with all of this and sometimes find myself escaping this harsh reality by using alcohol and drugs. I'm quite worried about my well being and i really just want to be happy. It would be very nice if i could get any advice on what to do. Im very thankful for this community because it has already helped a lot. Thank you all. Im polish so english is not my native language. Sorry for any mistakes.","> I've broken up with my girlfriend wich means i have no emotional support anymore. It is not one person's business to ""support"" the emotions of another. We each inhabit only our own minds, and control only our own desires. If having a girlfriend caused you to look to another person to manage your mind, then you are in a significantly improved situation for the lack of one - at least you are now thinking about the problem correctly, which is to say you are thinking ""how might I be better?"" rather than ""how might I get another to manage my business for me"". > I don't know how to deal with all of this and sometimes find myself escaping this harsh reality by using alcohol and drugs But of course, these don't help you. If you could escape that harsh reality with drugs (and alcohol is ""drugs"") then you'd not be here, you'd be escaped. Of course, drugs don't make your problems better - if you are incredibly sad and you take drugs, you are now incredibly sad and high, and then you are incredibly sad on and on a comedown, both of which are significantly worse than simply being as sad as you were before. What is more, owing to the dopaminergic effect of the drug, when you take the drug it induces a craving to try and solve the problem you are trying to solve with more of the drug. When the drug actually hurts the problem you are trying to solve, this creates a pathological and endless cycle of substance abuse we call ""drug addiction"". So there is an obvious first step - quit the drugs. However unwell you feel, you will feel slightly less unwell whilst sober, which means you will have at-least *some* additional mental resources to dedicate to managing your mood effectively. Now it's key to note there are a lot of positive signs from you. You are thinking ineffectively about drugs and relationships, but frankly, you're on a stoicism forum and you've recognized that you can likely think your way out of these problems, which means you are thinking more logically and correctly about your mental health than most people. You should be proud of that given that you are only 16 - many adults are not so aware, and frankly thinking irrationally about drugs and relationships is almost the defining trait of teenagers. See where you get to when any tendency to use drugs is dispensed with. You may find this alone puts you back into the normal process of ""heal and move on"". If it does not, I'd consider formalising your study of stoicism with a journal - writing down your contemplations on the things you read in The Daily Stoic, as well as writing down any difficulties you encounter during the day and devising stoic ""remedies"" for them, is often a highly effective tool when it comes to belief change.",A Hard Life,,general_qa 288,"Is Stoicism really about removing anger? Does Stoicism see anger as merely a feeling or a physical reaction? There is a quote which I've posted once (which I won't include for now) and there's a lot of feedback on a Stoicism book on Facebook where people believe that Seneca means that we ought to remove it entirely, whereas others believe that Seneca didn't mean that. My understanding is that we can't control anger but we can chose to not act accordingly, and Stoicism isn't about removing any emotion but domesticating it and reasoning with corresponding impressions as to brjnf relief. Yet, too many people think its about removing and preventing. What do you think? Could anyone clear it out?","Anger is a destructive emotion that should be expunged. Feeling anger leads to a physical reaction, so the answer to your question is yes. Seneca wrote a book about expunging anger. As Buddha correctly states, ""Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."" Expunging destructive emotions (like anger, hate, and fear) will shift your emotional spectrum to positive emotions (joy, love and happiness). You do this by withholding judgement about what might otherwise lead to your anger. Don't assume the worst or take things personally. Nothing can ""make"" you angry. It requires your consent. If external things ""make"" you feel a certain way, then you are a slave (as Epictetus would say) to those things. You are not free. You free yourself by learning to control yourself. It's not about suppressing destructive emotions. You learn to not feel those emotions --or at least that's the goal. Good Luck!",Stoic approach for anger,,general_qa 289,"Hello dear community, I've started with stoicism about 6 months ago reading Seneca and Marcus Aurelius, 2 months ago I started Journaling my Stoic and overall experience of the day the morning after, I'm also reading a page of the daily Stoic while journaling I practice to view my days as separate lifes and think about them every evening and what I'll take into the ""next life"" tomorrow, this was a great addition to my life because it made me review and reevaluate a lot of day to day routines Now during working days I start my day around 3:30am working from home until the wife and my son wakes up at around 6:00 am, after preparing breakfast I sit down and write my journal for the past day I tried journaling on the evenings but I couldn't stick to it so the morning fits me better, however maybe because of a few hours sleep and being occupied already with 2 hours work I just feel like journaling doesn't give me much value. There are days where I don't know what I should write down from yesterday and can't really see the practical meaning in the daily Stoic, it tends to become something I have to do rather then want to do because I don't really see a meaning in it. However I know that journaling helps me a lot on different things already, because I do it for different subjects on a weekly or daily basis. But with a journal for practicing stoicism.. I guess I just haven't found my way Anyone here has a good journaling habit or any other good experience with journaling for this Stoic endeavor? I would love to hear about that, what questions do you ask yourself, do you implement daily exercise? I really would like to hear your ideas While writing this post I thought about making a weekly instead of a daily journal and just do one exercise a week everyday and write one paragraph per day how I did and how I felt with it.. Maybe this is something worth trying as well Anyway, I'm looking forward to your response","I tend to stick to these points ensuring I end on a high note and get the worst things out of the way first : Did I achieve the majority of my intension yesterday (accountability) What went badly? What went well? Did anything go wrong outside of my control? If yes let it go. What am I grateful for? I then also have a list of today's intension against it.",How to journal with stoicism,,general_qa 290,"Hi, i'm new to stoicism, but recently i've been thinking about what it would be like to lose everything. My family, home, dogs, friends, etc. Or even just one of these things. When i think about this, I immediately push away the thoughts and try to convince myself that there's no way this will ever happen, not right now. Does this mean i'm too attached to things. Epictetus and other philosophers talk a lot about how you only need yourself to be happy. These things, family, friends, etc, will be meant to go when the time is right. But how does one even think like that. If you imagine someone in your family dying, I can't, for one second think I would say, ""it is what it is. This thing is not bad, my judgement is. They will leave this earth and return to their rightful home."" Is this the wrong way to think?","In treating anxiety, cognitive behavioral therapists^^^1 sometimes ask patients ""And then what?"" That is, they ask people to imagine what is likely to happen *after* the crisis that drives their negative rumination. The reason: For many people, the imagination tends to run up to the worst moment of the imagined scenario (metaphor: the tsunami is juuust about to overwhelm the seawall) and then just freeze, or replay on repeat, so the person is left with a constant vision of disaster. Getting people to think consciously through the likely aftermath is a way to weaken this tendency. This is an example of [decatastrophizing](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Decatastrophizing). A good article with more examples is: https://positivepsychology.com/catastrophizing/ ^^^1 As is often pointed out, [CBT is Stoicism-inspired](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy#Philosophical_roots).",Imagining the death of loved ones,,general_qa 291,"Hey all, I'm learning about stoicism and had this question that I can't seem to adequately answer. I understand that sex is a preferred indifferent in stoicism, a natural occurance that can be enjoyed insofar as it doesn't turn into a vice. I also believe that there is nothing inherently wrong with kink/BDSM and that our specific preferences are often out of our control. However, I wonder if it would be within stoic doctine to indulge in kinky sex and to explore various sex acts and to find out what is most pleasurable to us. Of course, it would be a reasonable amount of times per week, and not harmful to oneself or their partner and would be consensual. Is this act of exploring and seeking pleasure inherently anti-stoic? How does a person wanting to apply stoicism in their lives deal with their sexual preferences? Would it be virtuous to limit our exploration? Is it possible to explore kink/BDSM while doing it stoically? I know these are loaded questions and I appreciate the time taken to answer them. Cheers!",Stoicism is a philosophy.. not a religious cult.,Stoicism and kinky sex,,general_qa 292,"I'm assuming anyone that is actively involved in this sub thinks Stoicism is worth practicing. I also understand the views of people who don't understand Stoicism and think that it's unemotional, unfeeling, etc. I'm wondering about people who have practiced Stoicism and made progress, but ultimately decided that it's not a good way to live. Anyone?","Consider stoicism as a state of mind, and that perhaps gives a better idea as to how you should approach your question. If you practice it correctly then you will have a good life regardless of the circumstances which surround you, and anyone, no matter their opinions, will see that this is a good way to spend your days. If you have a stoic outlook on life and live according to these principles then there is no reason to say that this isn't a good way to live. However, what if you are someone whose ideas conflict with the philosophy. What if you naturally find peace of mind by another method? Then we might conclude that stoicism isn't for you. That isn't to say it's not a good way to live, however perhaps for many it is a way of existing which they find uncomfortable. Most schools of thought try and guide you through how to live your life, and although they may have different methods, the ultimate goal of inner peace, completeness and so on is the same regardless of the approach. So yes, Stoicism is a good way to live your life, if you are able to, if you are driven down a different path then stoicism is still a good way to live, just not for you personally. I gave it a shot, not sure how much of this you agree with (if any at all haha) but I thought I'd have my say.",Do you know anyone that has concluded Stoicism isn't a good way to live?,,general_qa 293,"I work pretty hard at school and since it's my last year I've got loads of work to do. I'm meant to do 3 Jiu jitsu classes a week, but because of all my work, I've been too busy, or on the days where I'm not busy, I'm too tired. I eat healthily and I lift weights three times a week so I'm not tired because I'm unhealthy (although a lack of BJJ will impact my cardio but I've started running once a week) - it's entirely due to school. My mate that I train with has managed to go to every class without trouble, so I feel like I should be able to do the same. From what I've learnt about stoicism so far, I believe it would be more virtuous for me to push myself through the tiredness and maintain my discipline in training (I know that rest can be virtuous, I just feel like I'm being a pussy - for lack of a better word - because my mate can find the energy to train, so I should be able to). I've learnt that I should be urgent in the bettering of myself (memento Mori and all that) so I feel like if I don't train now then I might lose the opportunity in the future, which is weighing pretty heavily on me, but also I feel like taking this year easy to focus on my grades (whilst also keeping myself healthy of course) may be a better course of action. I genuinely can't figure out which of these two paths would be more virtuous. Can someone offer me a stoic perspective on this/advice?","Don't compare yourself to others. You don't know your friends situation and he is not you. He may be struggling in other ways or neglecting his school work, you don't have insight into every aspect. Focus on yourself. You are extremely young and have plenty of time to do whatever you want. Don't overcomplicate this. Recognize in the grand scheme of things these aren't the biggest problems. I know that's hard when you're young and everything feels like a big deal but its really not. Your grades impact funding for college and college options. Make sure they are in order, and that you get 7-8 hours of sleep. Outside of that fit in whatever you want, but grades and sleep should always come first, at least until you finish college. Just my 2 cents...","I'm in my last year of high school, I just started practicing stoicism and I need some advice",,general_qa 294,"I'm fairly new here so this might stem from misunderstanding, but isn't Stoicism very focused on ""me"" rather than also those we love and care about? I'd appreciate some clarification very much. Thanks","Stoicism is very much rooted in concern and care for the wider world, at least directly the community and possibly more broadly the country lived in. And this starts with the individual: living a virtuous life in accordance to your own nature, leads to a more balanced and fruitful life, which benefits those around you.",Isn't Stoicism highly individualistic?,,general_qa 295,"Hi everyone, so tho post was kind of hard for me to finally bring up but I've been following Stoicism for about a year now. Don't get me wrong I'm happy not to explode at everything and feel so down on myself but now I just feel so empty inside. Has anyone gotten through this who can give no some advice to feel better. I feel as if I'm a ghost in a shell who doesn't care about anything anymore.",You don't care about aiming to be virtuous?,Feeling empty,,general_qa 296,"I've posted the Epictetus quote ""it's not things that upset us, but our judgement about things"" in front of my desk to remind myself each day, and that hopefully over time, I will continue to grow in this mindset. I absolutely hate the position I am in. I have an extremely boring office job, where I feel that I just push papers around all day and I do literally nothing meaningful for myself or purposeful. The job just makes me feel empty and each hour I am incessantly thinking about all the things I could be doing to better myself and my life. Long story short, I am pushing 30 years old and I am finally In a program to get my bachelor's degree. I spent the longer part of my 20s having no idea what I wanted to do with my life, as well as suffering through anxiety and depression and generally trying to find out who I am. I received an AFA in Fine Art in 2015 but realized I couldn't make money nor was I happy with the chosen field for various reasons. So here I am, with my goal to get my degree by next summer or fall 2021, and finally get into the career that I want to be in yet. Yet, it feel so incredibly far away and my desperation grows every single day to get out of this place. It's a mixture of both the work and the people and it's all just a combined terrible experience. the only reason I am still here is because the pay is not bad and I can work less than 40 hours due to school. How do I stop looking at my degree as a means to an end through practicing stoicism? How do I find contentment in the present and know that my place is so absolutely tiny in the cosmos? I find myself comparing every bit of my life to every around that seems remotely happy or successful. I always seem to fall short. There are days when I can truly understand the words of Marcus Aurelius and Epictetus, and I feel it within in. But when my Ego within starts growing and negativity flows, it takes me days and sometimes weeks to get back to a proper state of mind. Personal wisdom and experience is welcome. Thank you.","Stoicism would probably argue that the pain of doing a job you hate as you get your degree would prepare you well for challenges in the career you want. In a less stoic note- I've been in a similar situation. Just keep going- your doing a good thing in developing yourself and getting a degree and your job will be a good experience in addition if not just a means of making money as you study.","As a (new) practitioner of stoicism, how can I learn to be content in my current job that I completely loathe?",,general_qa 297,"I'm quite new to the teachings of Stoicism and I was wondering what the prescribed response would be to an injustice that has been committed against you by an authority, that entirely was not in your control, but could be ensured against happening in the future with action. What I had in mind is a situation in which an authority of some kind imposes an unfair restraint or penalty upon you, that based on Stoic teachings, you should not worry about since it is not in your control. But, suppose that it is also possible with organized and collective action against the actions of the authority to ensure that an injustice like this doesn't happen to anyone in the future (my thoughts on this are along the lines of organizing protests to bring awareness to the injustice with an ultimate goal of having that action disbanded of). Morally, this sounds like a valid reason to take action and continue to ""worry"" about it because you aren't necessarily trying to rectify your own situation, but rather trying to reduce the suffering of others in the future with the same fate. It would, though, take a lot of time, stress, and ""worry"" to make the protests successful in altering the actions of the authority, and the number one rule of Stoicism seems to be ""don't worry about what you cannot control"". I was wondering, then, if the Stoics have any insight on such a situation? As a Stoic, is it better to accept your fate and not worry about taking action to change the future actions of the authority, or is it recommended in this circumstance as you are also working to reduce the suffering of others? I appreciate any feedback anyone can give me! This is just a silly hypothetical I was considering while laying in bed, so I hope it makes sense.","I find [Christopher Gill's summary on Stoic beliefs](https://stoicpsychology.buzzsprout.com/295505/2232794-episode-13-interview-with-christopher-gill) to be very helpful: * Our happiness depends on us, and we achieve happiness by developing the virtues (wisdom, courage, self-control, justice). * All human beings are fundamentally capable of developing the virtues and making progress towards virtues and happiness. * The development of the virtues transforms the quality of one's emotional life and relationships with other people. * Humans are by nature both social and rational. Ethical development carries with it the deepening and expansion of social and interpersonal relationships, both localized and generalized (cosmopolitanism). * Humans are an integral part of the cosmos, which is unified, ordered, and providential. Development is a matter of coming to understand one's place in the world and thus, learning to live a life most natural for a human being. (Full disclosure, as an atheist I dismiss the idea of a divine cosmos for lack of evidence, but it is what the ancient Stoics believed). As a student of Stoicism, you'll want to develop your character along the lines of the virtues. Arguably, one cannot do that while ignoring the needs and sufferings of others. Selfishness and reclusiveness are not the marks of Stoicism, nor is it a deontological ethical philosophy. Concern for the well being of others, and apportioning our resources and care is at the root of Stoic ethics. The concept is known as oikeiosis, and you can read more about it [here](https://dailystoic.com/oikeiosis/). The part about worrying about what is in your control and what is not comes later, after you have thoroughly analyzed your impression of the events and problems, made sure your personal assumptions and emotions are not clouding reason, and have come to a understanding of the event that most accurately reflects reality, that is, without personal value judgement attached. Only then can you start to work the problem rationally. In order to do this you need to be objective in your approach. To be objective includes recognizing what you can affect, and what is dependent only upon you, and what things will happen whether or not you plan for them. In other words, what you can control and what you can't. The reason you don't worry about what you can't control is because complaining and rumination does no good. It is a kind of mental Turkish Delight that keeps one distracted with the temporary gratification of feeling righteous. And when that Turkish Delight has been taken away, when one realizes things won't happen the way it is \[desperately\] wanted, it can be a crushing emotional blow. You should make sure your reasons are defensible, otherwise you are simply fighting for what you want, and Stoicism does not argue for that. In these things, you must be wise, or you run the risk of fighting for the wrong thing inadvertently. It's not enough to trust your feelings or gut or persuasive arguments you hear, you must be ruthless in your self-reflection. If you have a trusted friend you can work out your argument with, a friend who will let you know when you are appealing to a [logical fallacy](https://yourlogicalfallacyis.com/) is invaluable. We all have cognitive blind spots, a trusted person who can tell you what yours are without worry for making you feel defensive is paramount I think, for even those who fought on the wrong side of history genuinely believed they were doing the right thing. When you decide what the appropriate response to your experience is, keep in mind that many things will come and threaten your deeply held assumptions. You might be accused of being a trouble maker, or disingenuous in your motivations, or guilty of ignoring other, more important issues, or you might be the target of unjustified violence in the hopes of scaring you away. Marcus Aurelius suggests that when these attacks on your character and on your well being are made, try not to take it personally. If you can, think of it as a kind of training at the gym that functions to give you the knowledge and experience to use the learned skills in the real world. >In the gymnastic exercises suppose that a man has torn thee with his nails, and by dashing against thy head has inflicted a wound. Well, we neither show any signs of vexation, nor are we offended, nor do we suspect him afterwards as a treacherous fellow; and yet we are on our guard against him, not however as an enemy, nor yet with suspicion, but we quietly get out of his way. Something like this let thy behaviour be in all the other parts of life; let us overlook many things in those who are like antagonists in the gymnasium. For it is in our power, as I said, to get out of the way, and to have no suspicion nor hatred. Meditations 6.20",How ought a Stoic act in the face of injustice?,,general_qa 298,"I expect many of you had the same experience, that ""discovering"" stoicism merely reinforced many ideas and concepts that already existed in your mind. One of the earliest and more impactful for me was that I quit reading the news - I reached the conclusion that the events I was reading about were outside of my control and knowing about them was doing nothing but upsetting me. That was around 5 years ago and I can tell you that not keeping up with the news has had zero impact on my ability to live my life or make solid decisions. Has anybody else found the same?","Yes, I gave up televised news years ago and read very little news now. As Henry David Thoreau one said about news, ""It's just gossip."" News today isn't to inform us but to manipulate us to vote or to purchase instrumental good. I wonder how many Fox News watchers bought guns last year due to fear manifested from their stories.",How has a stoic mindset affected your consumption of the news?,,general_qa 299,"I've been practising Stoicism for about a year now and follow all of its ideas as strongly as I can. However, right now I'm dealing with a massive lack of motivation. I don't seem to have a drive to do anything. I feel bored frequently and end up sitting around aimlessly as nothing seems to be captivating for me. I end up just feeling tired and unmotivated all of the time. Does anyone have any advice here? It would be greatly appreciated.","There's a series of simple exercises called ""The Five Tibetans"" - this is a great place to start. The exercises shake up lymph and brain/spinal fluids. Lots of versions are on YouTube. Turning on music you like and just letting yourself dance like crazy also helps relieve depression.",Extreme lack of motivation,,general_qa 300,"I sometimes get agitated at small stuff, like ""Why isn't the cat litter being cleaned?"" or ""Who left this on the sink?"" or ""Why is my computer doing this so?"", you knew, small stuff that makes me go ""Fucking why is it like this"". Today, a few of these exact moments happened, so each it did I caught myself....with the cat litter, I looked at it, got angry and said ""Why the fuck isn't it clea..."" but immediately stopped, took a deep breath, messaged my sister and said ""Hey hey, when you're home please make sure your cat's litter box is cleaned"", she wrote ""Sorry, forgot, will do"". I can give a dozen other examples, but is this how stoicism is supposed to work? Each time I got mad I would catch, breath, and tell myself that I won't get mad at it. I would think about the ""issue"" a bit but didn't get angry ruminating about it. Is this how it works and how long before it becomes natural?","Yes, as long as you're not repressing the feelings, but rather bringing them in to light of wisdom. It will take varying times depending on the depth of the emotion and how often you're confronting it. For instance the fear of death might take a lifetime if it's ever even healed, whereas the frustration of bad drivers may only take a month.","Reading is one thing and putting it into action is another. I finished reading Meditations last night and all day today have ""caught"" myself thinking negatively, and adjusting. Is this how it's supposed to work when you start applying it?",,general_qa 301,"I know Diogenes wasn't a Stoic but of course he was one of the main reasons why Stoicism came about. What I would like to know is, would he be classed as mentally ill by today's standards and how much so? He seemed like someone who was able to completely detach himself from his own ego, which I think is a really good thing, however I'm not sure how anyone completely sane could actually achieve this to the extent that Diogenes apparently did. He walked around barely clothed, lived in filth with dogs and shouted at passers-by. Whilst I think that it shows a good example of how we should not care about the external world, especially in order to be happy, these really don't sound like the actions of a sane person. Was he happy? We should believe so from what we've heard about him yet it's hard to believe that someone who was a Cynic and not an actual Stoic could be so happy without any external sources of happiness whilst also being mentally stable.",">We should believe so from what we've heard about him yet it#s hard to believe that someone who was a Cynic and not an actual Stoic could be so happy without any external sources of happiness whilst also being mentally stable. Cynics were actually the hardcore version of Stoics- they claimed that externals aren't indifferent but negative (they aren't Virtue, so spending time on them is wasted), so that actually makes a lot of sense. Zeno, the founder of Stoicism was actually the pupil of Crates the Cynic, who supposedly was a pupil of Diogenes of Sinope. There's a famous story involving lentil soup which showed that his teachings were at times too difficult for Zeno to handle. Still, Zeno respected his teacher a lot. And the way the stories about Diogenes and Crates are presented would suggest that they were greatly admired by their contemporaries, rather than thought mad.",Was Diogenes mentally ill?,,general_qa 302,"I'm quite aware that Stoicism shouldn't be blindly followed like a religion. Also, we shouldn't worry too much about things/people beyond our control. But is there an instance that at some point we call out those who proclaim themselves? This does not include those who are just starting to practice but this is about those who say they're ""pure Stoic"" Edit: Wow! Thank you guys for your awesome answers. I, myself is not practicing stoicism and maybe I just constructed the words that makes it look like that I'm seeking advice which is not. Yet, it's still awesome to hear the thoughts of the Stoicism community","As a quasi-stoic, I don't care what others do.","Do Stoics call out those who call themselves ""Stoics"" or practice ""Stoicism"" yet they doesn't seem so?",,general_qa 303,"Aurelius talks over and over about how the praised and the praiser are both short-lived. Reputation doesn't matter because the famous and the audience will soon be dead. As I've begun to internalize this logic, I find it difficult not to (inadvertently) extend it to wisdom and virtue. Both the wise and the fruits of their wisdom will also soon perish. The virtuous and the virtue will both soon be dead. Why do they matter, and fame does not? I know this is the exact opposite of what Stoicism teaches, but I'm having some trouble following the rationale. Wisdom and virtue are, of course, qualities that are under our control, while fame is not. That I understand - but what I don't understand is why virtue matters at all, considering the heavy emphasis on the fleeting nature of life. Why does wisdom matter if we will all soon be dead? What keeps you from devolving into nihilism?","I saw a short video about a guy who was thinking the same way you are. He went further and further down the hole of nihilism. He had a week's vacation and he spent the entire week sitting on his couch doing nothing. He was depressed. He went to the bathroom when he had to go to the bathroom, he fell asleep when he had to sleep, and he went and got something to eat when he was hungry. And he sat on the couch day after day. Toward the end of that week he was feeling extremely bored and he remembered an old video game he had from years ago. He got it out and was surprised that the controller still worked. He spent an hour playing that game and he won just like he had when he was much younger. He realized two things. One is that the game had absolutely no meaning to anything. The second is that he had fun playing the game. If life has no meaning, no purpose, no relevancy, if it's all going to be gone when you die, you can still have fun playing it. And Stoicism is one of several eudaimonic philosophies of life that talk about how to play the game of life in the most enjoyable way possible.",Why does wisdom matter if we will all soon be dead?,,general_qa 304,"I've got into philosophy maybe a year a go, thanks to stoicism. I've red Meditations, Enchiridion, Seneca's Letters a couple of times, also this subreddit and listen to a couple of podcasts. I'd like to explore more philosophies, but I have no clue where to go. Should I go to the most classic authors (Plato, Socrates...?) or into something more modern (Freud, Nietzsche...?) Full disclosure, besides stoicism, I have no clue about philosophy, I but I want to change that. I'd like to read something that complements, or maybe opposes stoicism somehow, in order to see different points of views, but also how different ways of thinking can complement each other. Appreciate any suggestion!","Just start at the beginning and learn it all. [Daniel Dennett](https://ase.tufts.edu/cogstud/dennett/) said it well in [Intuition Pumps and Other Tools for Thinking](https://www.abebooks.com/products/isbn/9781846144752?cm_mmc=ggl-_-COM_DSAETAFEED_Trade-_-naa-_-naa&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI9cqJv9qe6wIVjLLICh1wgwG6EAAYASAAEgKUwPD_BwE), ""the history of philosophy is in large measure the history of very smart people making very tempting mistakes, and if you don't know the history, you are doomed to make the same darned mistakes."" I particularly enjoy Peter Adamson's [A History of Philosophy Without any Gaps](https://historyofphilosophy.net) podcast. Edit: spelling",From stoicism to other philosophies...,,general_qa 305,"Hi, so i'm kinda new to stoicism and probably not the best at elaborating on the many deeper beliefs that some of you have. I was trying explain to my friend about it and she said that it sounds very similar to Taoism (or Daoism). Do you guys agree with this? I looked it up and there are concepts like ""wu wei"" that are similar but different. Since stoicism originated in Greece, I'm interested about the potential of overlapping beliefs in other regions/cultures. What are the other philosophies/religions that stoicism shares similar concepts with? Edit: I realized I was being broad with my question, I was kinda hoping for specific examples of overlap. I'm wondering what most ideologies agree with. Honestly I haven't dwelled that deep into stoicism, i usually pick and choose my beliefs and try not to identify with one specific philosophy/religion because in my opinion nothing is 100% right all the time.","True wisdom points to the same thing, you will find similarities if you're looking at the end product. Similarities can be equally found from all over the world, which is why we should (if we want to apply wisdom) focus on the differences of practices rather than the similarities of their goals - noticing those similarities will come naturally",Stoicism vs Taoism,,general_qa 306,"I find it very difficult to explain Stoicism whenever I get asked about it in conversation. Its not that I dont understand it but I seem incapable of compressing it and communicating it so I always just recommend a book, which tends to kill the convo. Does anyone have a good explanation of Stoicism that doesnt require any preexisting knowledge of it?","I like this paragraph in the FAQ: >Stoicism is a philosophy of life, a practical guide to applying wisdom to your daily choices, focused on living life as a thriving rational being, characterized by excellence in judgement and the fulfilled happiness that is to the mind what robust healthy fitness is to the body. Stoics believe that, just as physical pain is caused by illness and injury to the body, human distress is caused (at least in part, and according to orthodox Stoicism, entirely) by mistaken judgments and incorrect beliefs, particularly about good and bad. https://www.reddit.com/r/Stoicism/wiki/faq",How to explain Stoicism to someone who has no idea?,,general_qa 307,"I've been studying and practising Stoicism quite seriously for roughly a year now and in doing so have been astounded and very grateful to see so many doing the same on here. It is wonderful to see so many helping each other out with understanding and applying this philosophy here on Reddit but I've never met anyone in my life who at all applied these principles or the philosophy. This may of course be due to the fact that such a small percentage of the population engages in this philosophy at all but this subreddit is not particularly small either with a quarter of a million members. So I wonder, how many of you guys consider yourself to be genuine and practising Stoics or is it just something you like reading about from time to time? I find this rather interesting. Thanks a lot for any replies!","Observation: Many Stoics are reluctant to just come out and say they are Stoics. Instead they append something like ""aspiring"" in front, as a disclaimer, lest they seem pretentious. Yet a `prokopton` is a Stoic. If your definition of ""Stoic"" excludes real and fallible humans like Zeno, Cato, and Seneca, then the word you're looking for is ""[sage](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sage_(philosophy\)#In_Stoicism)"", not ""Stoic."" ^^^1 A distinct reason to avoid directly saying ""I'm a Stoic"" is to [avoid adding to one's identity](http://www.paulgraham.com/identity.html). This one I find more understandable, and myself prefer some version of ""I'm interested in Stoicism.""",How many of you consider yourselves genuine Stoics?,,general_qa 308,"I should probably clarify what I understand by the term - to me, wishful thinking is when you create some scenarios in your mind, that might happen in the future and you wish they would happen, but you can't be sure whether they will happen or not. For example - I sometimes create these awesome scenarios where I meet some nice girl that's exactly my type and I manage to go out with her. Or I imagine how I will have an amazing succes with some project I'm working on. From what I understand about Stoicism, I suppose practicing wishful thinking is considered a bad idea. But I would like to ask how bad exactly it is. And how much should I try to get rid of such thoughts. Thanks in advance for your advice","Desires for particular outcomes are called ""preferred indifferents"". Accordingly, the opposites are ""non-preferred indifferents"". I'm not a fan of hope, as in practice it tends to manifest as passivity. Eating cheetos and playing Minecraft in your mother's basement thinking ""I hope I get a good job"" is not the same as ""I will network, interview, get certifications, and work my hardest to get a good job but understand that my effort is in my control but the outcome is not."" is a Stoic behavior. If wishful thinking is presented as a goal, great. If it's just a lottery-winner fantasy, that's making your happiness dependent on something outside your control and that's not Stoic behavior.",How bad is wishful thinking?,,general_qa 309,"Hello. I am an intermediate Stoic if you will. I know the basic principles and have read meditations. I'm now reading the daily stoic. I have, however, a doubt regarding Stoicism. You see, Stoicism tells me: one is not to wonder about the future. Yet, Stoicism also tells: prepare in advent. Better said, ""devastation is a factor of out and likely we can see that that event in the first place - The Daily Stoic, 24-11"". My question is: how can one not think about the future and yet prepare in advance for its possible difficulties?","Of course Stoics anticipate the future. We'd all die on our first hike if we didn't. We don't _worry_ about the future, and we don't live in our heads, being overly focused on it. It simply gets the attention that reason and good sense would commend. Another way to think of it is that we live in the present, and planning ahead is sometimes the proper task for the present moment.",Doubt on Stoicism regarding future,,general_qa 310,"I've been trying to learn about Stoicism recently and it seems that it has helped me quite a bit. I'm starting to apply stoic practices to my life with some difficulty but I know that it is normal. Something happened recently that made me lose control of myself and just threw all logic out the window. Is this something that can happen to anyone who practice Stoicism? If so, what's a great way to deal with it?","The first thing you must realize about Stoicism is that it is not meant to remove negative emotions, this is impossible, we cannot eliminate the feelings that wash over us in given moments, and also we should NEVER feel bad for having those feelings. Anger, sadness, guilt, rage, all of these feelings and emotions are natural to human beings, it is a part of us, it has been with us since our inception as living thinking beings. These emotions are how our primitive ancestors navigated the world, it was their guide. If something made them feel a certain way, their minds made them react to it and they determined their opinions and ideas about that ""something"" based on those emotions felt. So it is a lost cause to try to fight the inherently emotional nature that comes with being a human being, especially as a modern human. You see the system we live in today, was built to help us adapt. However, we humans adapted so well that we successfully changed how our reality works around us, we now live in a place run by imaginary numbers and truly vapid systems of value placement. So now our inherent emotions often conflict with what is supposed to be our new modern, ""civilized"", nature and system. Now that we determined that emotion and losing control of your emotions are not things to be ashamed of, we can get into the fact that Stoicism is meant to help you control your reactions, not what you feel. So to answer your first question, YES absolutely 100 percent, flying off the handle and losing control can happen to any person no matter how stoic they may be. Of course, the more in tune with stoicism a person is, the better that person can maintain their control, but for us who are learning and not necessarily great at being a ""stoic"" yet, we are susceptible to losing some control over those inherent emotions that rise up within us. As for your second question, there are many great ways to deal with controlling yourself by regulating your perception and how you process what has happened to you. However, in order for me to get any deeper than that, I would need to know what has happened to you, to make you ""lose control"", so that we can break down the thought process, triggers, and reasoning behind the overwhelming flood of emotion that whatever happened to you caused within yourself. The basic answer though is simply, stoicism teaches us that worrying ourselves with what we cannot control is futile and should be avoided, this thought process can relieve tons of stress, and render issues or triggers ineffective against us. For example with me, I have a temper, I can go from feeling fine, to angry, very quickly, but I rarely EVER have episodes where I lash out and lose control because while inside I am feeling a sense of rage creep over me, outside, I hold a calm demeanor. I allow myself to process what triggered me, I ask, ""Can I control what just happened?"", or ""Can I control what this person thinks or just did?"", the answer is almost always unequivocally, NO. So once I determine what I can't control, it is almost always determined that I can't control the action against me or the action or words that offended me, and what I CAN control is how I react, and how I go about responding or not responding to what happened. All of this processing of emotion and reaction is done in mere seconds, but when you are first practicing stoicism it may take longer, you may need to step away or be unable to control your initial outrage, but be able to reign it back in. Eventually, you will get to the point where you can catch the negative emotions and release a stoic reaction within seconds, almost automatically. This process of emotional regulation via stoicism obviously will take practice, and obviously it will take time. The only thing you can do is continue to use Stoicism and its ideas to help yourself regulate your emotions in a way that when negative emotions do inevitably wash over you for one reason or another, you can process and regulate your own behavior in a more acceptable way. Good luck homie!",Is it possible to fall back to who we once were?,,general_qa 311,So I've been practicing well for a week lol and i know i have to buy a load of books to really learn about stoicism. I know of Marcus Aurelius books 'mediations' and all the other philosopher's books but was wondering if Ryan Holidays books are good to start with as I've seen some critique so just wanted to see what you guys thought.,"Personally I find his work full of needless fluff and Personal anecdotes that don't add value but sound more like bragging. Don't get me wrong, there are good lessons in all his books but these lessons can be condensed to a few pages. There are other modern Stoics that are much better. But if you insist on Holiday I would say the daily stoic is the only one worth reading. Personally I would suggest looking up Pierre Hadot, Anderson Silver and Massimo Pegliuci before Holiday.","I'm new to stoicism, are Ryan holidays books good to start with or frown upon?",,general_qa 312,"I was born partially blind and was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome in 2018. I'm 20 now and I feel like my life is just stuck. A lot has happened in the past 5 years and I mean a whole lot. From being beat up by two guys who broke my cheek, which resulted in my diagnosis, to being cheated on by my ex who thought that I wasn't the same anymore. To seeing my mum be abused by my step father mentally, to finding out that my whole family are actually quite horrible people, I've only had my mum. I had to drop out of college because of the attack that happened and subsequent depression, which led university to promise me all the support I needed, however they didn't provide the adequate support I needed until it was too late and I was forced to drop out of studying law. I think that I fell out of law too with the lack of justice that transpired from the attack. So from all of this I ended up deciding that my life wasn't worth living and had planned to end it, twice actually. However, I spoke about it with my parents and the crisis team and I eventually came out of that pit of despair and after going through all of this I'm still here. Sometimes I do feel useless and a bit of a failure but whatever happens happens right? It's made me a stronger person and has made me understand the world and more importantly, myself, a lot more. Which brings me onto stoicism, I actually found out about it last week (I think listening to David Blaine speak about it to Joe Rogan) but it just makes so much sense to me. I've always had the values and morals of a stoic, but I just didn't know about it and I'm excited to learn more. I just thought it would be nice to write a little introduction, maybe some of you can relate to me and some of you may not, but I look forward to learning more ways I can become a happier person and live a positive life. Also, I want to work with computers now, I'm just going to have a break for a while to become more positive and happy, there's not many jobs I could do, but computers suits my needs and it's the future as well. I also feel that I've always thought very logically, maybe it could be the Asperger's and I wouldn't be surprised if some of you were on the spectrum, after all it's not a bad thing, I just see it as a different way of thinking and I've accepted who I am and the cards I've been dealt with in the game of life. Do you have any tips for me or any advice? I would really like that. Thank you.","Welcome. Stoic ethics is literally a therapeutic philosophy. It is intended to make people healthier and happier. As explained in the FAQ: >Stoicism is a philosophy of life, a practical guide to applying wisdom to your daily choices, focused on living life as a thriving rational being, characterized by excellence in judgement and the fulfilled happiness that is to the mind what robust healthy fitness is to the body. Stoics believe that, just as physical pain is caused by illness and injury to the body, human distress is caused (at least in part, and according to orthodox Stoicism, entirely) by mistaken judgments and incorrect beliefs, particularly about good and bad. To completely correct these judgements and correct these beliefs is a difficult task, perhaps effectively impossible, but Stoic study, practice, and exercises aim at least to improve those of the Stoics who practice them. https://www.reddit.com//r/Stoicism/wiki/faq The problems that trouble you - the problems that trouble every human - are always a result of false beliefs. Find the things that aren't true, replace them with things that seem more true. It is a good healthy thing and it has been of enormous help to me.","Just a bit about me, what can I do to become happier? Do you have any advice?",,general_qa 313,"Hi there! I'm quite new to Stoicism. Currently, I'm in therapy because of burnout and anxiety and try to get my master's thesis done. To cope with my noisy mind full of negative thoughts I started using the meditation app ""Waking up from Sam Harris"" (btw. you get free access on his website), which helped a little. Also, it had some introductory lessons about Stoicism by William B. Irvin. This was my first contact with Stoicism and I think this philosophy incorporates all the traits I wish for myself. But at the same time I think, I am as far away from it as one can be. Because of low self-esteem, I always valued the opinion of others over mine. I was always quiet and cautious of saying the wrong thing in fear of leaving a negative impression. But I think what stands most in the way of finishing my thesis is the fear of not accomplishing enough. It doesn't matter if it's study-related or hobbies like playing an instrument or working out. I have always the feeling I could be better. I should be better. I easily get envious of others and start avoiding trying at all. In my understanding, one part of Stoicism is to accept your boundaries and work to the best of your abilities. But how do you incorporate the wish for growth? I think an accomplished Stoic knows when growth is needed and can still be satisfied with his abilities. So, how do you get a healthy balance between these two traits or do they even contradict each other? Thanks in advance for your input.","It sounds like this is your problem: > I easily get envious of others and start avoiding trying at all. Don't compare yourself to others, compare yourself to the person you were yesterday.",The wish for growth,,general_qa 314,"Hi all. I have recently come across stoicism and I really like what I have seen so far! Would someone be able to point me in the direction of any texts / books I could read to help me understand and learn more about it? Thanks in advance!","You can of course read Marcus Aurelius Meditations or any of his teachers and you might like to check out Daily Stoic Ryan Holiday's Youtube channel along with some other fine Youtube publishers. Just search for Stoic on the internet and you'll be rewarded with information galore. Most important is enjoy your life and be kind to all around you, but most of all be kind to yourself. Peace friend.",New to Stoicism,,general_qa 315,"I have a predicament with stoicism, I see all around me natural or undisturbed habitats that are being paved over for trivial retail stores and more and more consumerist businesses. I'm studying ecology and environmental sciences and I understand how harmful it is to our local habitats as a whole, it's getting worse and worse. Every time I see an area being scalped for business and more consumerism I get very upset. I can't tell if I have control over keeping this destruction from happening, which makes it more frustrating to see. I can't just go tell the workers that what their doing is short-sighted and for short term economic gain, they don't care nor do the business owners. Bleak concrete is becoming the new surface of my area. I could always just forfeit and say "" this is out of my control therefore I should just be happy regardless because my emotions are under my control"", but environmental issues are what I'm dedicating my life and career to and I want to stop this endless human growth and race to nowhere. What would I do about this? I feel like i can't just give up and let it continue all around me, but I also feel like theres nothing I can do.","Do what you can. To expand on this... You might be given a story about personal responsability concerning environmental issues. While there is something to be said about the impact of personal choices on the gravity of these issues (do what you can), it's more interesting to see them also, and to a greater extent, as the responsibility of lawmakers and politicians in charge. They too should do what they can, which is usually more than what you can do AND it should be more impactful. So don't be tricked into a false feeling of guilt and confusion. Do what you can, but realize that there are still things outside of your control even if they are within the control of others.",Dealing w/ environmental destruction,,general_qa 316,"About this time last year I discovered stoicism and deeply respected the practices and the ideas behind it. I tried to give it a go but I couldn't for the life of me, my emotions would get the better of me every time. On May 3rd of this year I went to a psychiatrist and was medically diagnosed with Bipolar disorder and given the appropriate medication to help cope with it. I barley know how to keep my emotions in check as an average person, let alone as a stoic. I really want to become more rational since the root of my problems almost always stem from taking things personally or letting my words/actions/emotions get out of hand. Can someone point me in the right direction please?",There is a book called Stoicism and the Art of Happiness that is available on Kindle for $0.99. It has an exercise to practice after each concept. I thought it was a great book. Maybe try to establish some habits of practicing those exercises?,Where to even begin?,,general_qa 317,"Where do I begin my journey to stoicism, know more about the philosophy and gradually apply it in my life.",Read the Meditations of Marcus Aurelius and apply his lessons in your life,"Where do I begin my journey to stoicism, know more about the philosophy and gradually apply it in my life.",,general_qa 318,"Apologies if this post is not relevant but it's something I have been pondering on for a while. I have adult ADHD and I do not take medication for it and as such means the symptoms are quite strong. I lead a good life and am hardworking and achieve the goals I set out. Its just a lot of the time I don't feel able to control my emotions and this is the part of stoicism I struggle with. For example, in certain situations I am very prone to strong emotional change, defensiveness, ego based decision making and outburts of energy. From my understanding of Soticism, its almost the oposite of these things. In my research of Soticism, it is very much how I would like to live my life and in many instances I do so. When I think consciously, it is always with soticism in mind. However, in other times (probaly about 80% of the time) I make impuslive decisions which are very un-stoic, but these I would say are made sub-consciously. Is Stoicism an unobtainable goal for someone such as myself or are these just excuses I am making to not change? It may sound like the latter, but if you have ADHD you can understand how some of these emotional outbursts are subconscious and are often done without thinking.","Stoicism is an unobtainable goal for everyone. No person can be a perfect sage, even the ancient masters fell short of their own ideals. Humans fall short from perfection, it's what we do. We should still strive towards it however we can.",Is Stoicism and ADHD compatible?,,general_qa 319,"What do a lot of you think about cynicism and it's teachings? Would you argue it is worth studying to some degree? Seeing as it paved the way for stoicism I notice a lot of similarities between them with a few fundamental differences. I'm also curious on how many of you view cynics like Diogenes or Zeno, as well as Antisthenes.","The Cynics were a pretty hardcore group, that saw social norms and material goods as being inconsistent with human nature. They basically lived homeless, exposed to the elements, and often expressed a contemptuous attitude towards regular people. Epictetus admired them, but cautioned his students that it was a very challenging path to pursue. https://standardebooks.org/ebooks/epictetus/discourses/george-long/text/book-3#chapter-3-22 The wikipedia chapters on the famous Cynics are very much worth reading, and you can follow all the links and be there for quite some time. Here's a good place to start: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crates_of_Thebes",Cynicism vs Stocism?,,general_qa 320,"I don't know if it's a mental block, but whatever it is, I find myself unfortunately reading all the time but never putting it into practice. Is it just me?","In general personal development culture, such a person would be called a ""personal development junkie"" - someone who avoids their issues by filling their mind with information they never use. In terms of Stoicism, you might be considered a Sophist: [https://oll.libertyfund.org/titles/1477#lf0755\_label\_263](https://oll.libertyfund.org/titles/1477#lf0755_label_263) Ask yourself if you're acting on desire, aversion, pursuit, or avoidance in not putting anything into practice. Also consider if you're maintaining the natural and acquired relations in only reading and not applying. I have trouble putting things I read into practice too, and realizing why I'm having this trouble (thus giving me something to work on) helps me out of it.","There's a term for people who want to become Entrepreneurs and read all about it but never do it, they call them ""Wantrepreneurs"". Is there a term for those who read about Stoicism all day but never put it into practice, because that's me.",,general_qa 321,"I'm coming back from a business trip and have to let them go in the morning when I'm back in the office. They deserve it. They've been rude to the team and have stopped doing their work and started lying about it after we tried to work on a path of improvement. I have been practicing stoicism and moderating my initial feelings for a while now. It's very helpful. But it's usually more abstracted from the moment. Like I get stressed about something at work and then work my way through how I'm ok and the situation is fine and how my amazing team is handling it. But this is going to be much more intense in that exact moment. Do you have any advice for me to help work through this unfortunate task? This isn't exactly something I can pause to take a step back from during the event. Thank you!!","Negative visualization - Basically imagine the absolute worst case scenario. Imagine perhaps that the employee physically or verbally assaults you? Then imagine you sitting there handling it perfectly stoically. Once you have prepared yourself mentally for the very worst, and have handled it virtuously in your mind, then anything less that actually happens should be much more easily handled.",I have to let someone go tomorrow.,,general_qa 322,Recently came into money which I have no need for and want to give back to local community. Wife and I are well enough and see this as an opportunity to do good.,I believe the general Stoic belief is that you have to do good to feel good and donating to your local foster care program (Court Appointed Special Advocates for Children) or some equivalent is definitely doing some good.,What does Stoicism say about charity and giving back.,,general_qa 323,"what does Stoicism says about death and how to deal with a loss? edit: ty anyone for your help, I also looked at older posts regarding death and Stoicism is pretty simple on this matter. edit 2: a person sent me a dm asking if I need help or coping with a loss, my question was just intended for knowledge purposes, I am not involved in any of my posts, I do it to discuss facts.","I like Seneca's take on the matter: ""Death is neither a good nor a bad thing, for that alone which is something can be a good or a bad thing: but that which is nothing, and reduces all things to nothing, does not hand us over to either fortune, because good and bad require some material to work upon. Fortune cannot take ahold of that which Nature has let go, nor can a man be unhappy if he is nothing."" To hear what he has to say about loss, look up Seneca's consolation to Marcia.",Stoicism and Death.,,general_qa 324,"Hey everyone, I have been reading about stocism for a while now. Some books I really enjoyed and think I learned from, others not so much. But it has always been very hard for me to implement the ideas into my everyday life and practice them. Sometimes I could reach out to these ideas and they helped, sometimes they did not. But that's enough of the introduction. So this might be a bit strange post but, I don't know how many of you experienced burnout. I mean sometimes I am not 100% sure I am experiencing it. I mean there is no PCR test for this. I am trying to map some sort of rebuilding plan for myself which will include therapy, meditation and probably stoicism as I sympathize with the basic concepts, so I can come out of this stronger than before. However and here is the tricky part for me, currently I am not acting like a stoic. I have a job that I am leaving in \~2 months, I have some duties still that are very hard for me to do, it's like taking 4-5x extra effort to do the simplest things - compared to what it used to be - and at the end of the day I don't feel I am doing my best, because I feel I can't reach my best currently and this makes me frustrated and stressed. Have any of you had gone through something similar, could stoicism help you? If so, did it help you while you were still in the same position, same work etc?","I can only speak from my own perspective here. Burnout goes hand in hand with not practicing what I believe. Stoicism is hard as hell to live out in the early stages because you have to completely reorient your entire way of thinking about everything, but then after that it becomes relatively easier to maintain, but it still takes concious effort, it's not a given. For me I find that when life goes well I care less and less about stoicism, but when lfe gets rough I cling back to it. I can't blame anyone but myself for that. But if I were to continue the effort even when I didn't want to, life would have been better all along. For me it's a matter of being headstrong and determined vs not. Just my two cents from my own personal experience.",Stoicism and Burnout,,general_qa 325,"What teachings/virtues/concepts do you struggle understanding in Stoicism? Personally, I struggle with an idea that Marcus Aurelius talks about in *Meditations.* He views other people's ignorance in an accepting way, he understands their ignorance and empathizes with them for it. Not only does he try to accept them, but he tries to love them, because he argues that every person has a rational mind that binds us to the ""divinity"", thus making us all equal. Here's a quote from *Meditations* to illustrate what I mean: ""*To feel affection for people even when they make mistakes is uniquely human. You can do it, if you simply recognize that they're human too, that they act out of ignorance, against their will, and then you'll both be dead before too long.*"" - *Meditations, VII.22* *(Hays Translation)* I can understand this teaching clearly, but I struggle to actually *feel* it. I assume Marcus Aurelius did too, otherwise why would he have reminded himself? So, what are some things you struggle with?","Temperance and morality especially, but really all of the main four. I'm far from virtuous person. But it's fine, I'd only have cause to be worried if I thought about this and came up with nothing.",What virtues do you struggle with?,,general_qa 326,"Hello there! First of all, I'm new to stoicism and English isn't my mother tongue, let me know if I typed anything incorrectly. In the book ""A Guide to the Good Life"" Irvine talks about how a man should go out of his way and put himself in uncomfortable scenarios, to give a speech in front of a lot of people for example, to put his stoic principles to test. On the contrary, Seneca in his 28th letter said ""I do not agree with those who recommend a stormy life and plunge straight into the breakers, waging a spirited struggle against worldly obstacles every day of their lives. The wise man will put up with these things, not go out of his way to meet them ; he will prefer a state of peace to a state of war"" So, what do you prefer? A peaceful life, or a stormy one?","I would refer to a third philosopher on this one, and bring in Victor E Frankl. He says overcoming suffering is one of the highest ways of finding meaning in life. However, not if the suffering is deliberately brought upon yourself; that's just foolishness. So I would say be strong enough to face the waves when they come, but don't go looking for them for the sake of it!","A stormy life, or a peaceful one?",,general_qa 327,"I am on a reading bender, which is nice of course. I decided to try out Ryan Holiday's book ""The Obstacle is the way"". I don't know what to make of it. I found it rather flat. It's a nice intro for people who aren't very familiar with Stoicism and the OG's (Marcus, Epictetus, Seneca...), but otherwise it's a bit cheesy. The comparison to great adventurers and accomplished business men is not very compelling. I don't have a big life. I'm a simple creature. I don't have large ambitions. Stoicism is also about remaining virtuous when life is pleasant and small. Maybe that's why I can't relate to it.",I read a few pages and dropped it. There are better introductory books.,"Who's read ""The obstacle is the way"" by Ryan Holiday?",,general_qa 328,"I think I know the answer to this one but I am very conflicted emotionally and could use some advice. My father just texted me today and said that we would like to change his will to give most of their inheritance to my younger siblings. The reason that he gave was that my wife and I are far more successful compared to the other two families. The inheritance in question would be a holdings of Bay area real estate. Saying that, we are all doing well financially. To complicate things, my sister and I have not been on speaking terms for 5 years. This all stemmed from a silly incident where our sons were comparing their penises (at age 3 and 5) and I downplayed the event as normal and she was very upset that her son had been abused. Despite my efforts at reconciliation, she and her husband have blocked me digitally and will refuse to show up at a family event where I am at. I know that stoicism teaches me that I should not worry about the action of others, only my reactions. The reality is that any money they would leave me would be 30 years in the future and probably would not affect my life at all. But my feelings of resentment to my sister and inadequacy to my parents still run deep in me. Also, I feel that I have sacrificed the entirety of my 20s and 30s dedicated to medical training and building my practice that has allowed me to build up a financial reserve while my siblings had a lot more fun during those years plus wasted time dealing with substance abuse. Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated do you help me approach and work through this issue.","Did you truly sacrifice your youth? You helped others, learned discipline and made sure you never *have* to work again. You say your siblings may have had more fun but hedonism and overindulgence doesn't necessarily lead to happiness. Think of Marcus's co-emperor Lucius Verus who loved to party to excess but, according to Marcus, died unhappy and unsatisfied. If your Sister feels like she has 'won' because she will have title to a patch of dirt that is nothing more than materialism and will not make her happy in the end.",Conflicted About Inheritance issues,,general_qa 329,"I haven't finish the book still but for ***me,*** it's a great way to begin to understand what stoicism is. I've come upon, a few post and articles that describe stoicism in a way that is inhumane. It isn't natural at all for us to literally not care about stuff, humans don't work like that. He explains how to be a stoic in a **healthy** way.","If the goal of stoicism is to control your reaction to external forces, then I assume this book would be working toward that goal.","Can ""The subtle art of not giving a f*ck"" be considered a beginners guide to stoicism?",,general_qa 330,"I am new to stoicism, so sorry if that's an amateur question. But after reading about stoicism, I am having a lil contradiction. If I shouldn't care about the external gains then what's the purpose of working towards any achievement? Why should it matter?","See: [https://oll.libertyfund.org/titles/1477#lf0755\_label\_120](https://oll.libertyfund.org/titles/1477#lf0755_label_120). A Stoic wouldn't work towards success in the conventional sense because this kind of success is an external. He would work towards acting in accord with nature ([https://oll.libertyfund.org/titles/1477#lf0755\_label\_128](https://oll.libertyfund.org/titles/1477#lf0755_label_128).) External achievements do not matter. To the Stoic, if they achieve anything that is defined by others as success, it is only as a consequence of acting in accord with their character and with nature.",What would be the motivation for a stoic for working towards success?,,general_qa 331,"I don't want to go too full into detail, as I do not wish to vent, but since I was 12(19m now) I've just felt empty and worthless no matter what I do, I've been trying to work on myself and have been positive until recently I have been looking at myself from a third person perspective and am unhappy with my self image. I will feel 5-7/10 about myself most days but I have these never ending bouts of self worth crushing which after speaking to my friends about I am able to rationalize my view on myself, however I do not wish to depend on others for it, I wish to control my thoughts or tell them to go away but it doesn't work when I try. I have applied stoicism to grave events even before knowing about its existence as a philosophy and when it involves external matters I am completely fine however this is an internal matter and I was simply wondering if anyone has any advice/tips/stoic practices to help wash these draining thoughts out. I feel as though I've dug a hole for myself, and my severe adhd doesn't help either since some days I just procrastinate all day even though I try my best to do things. Thanks in advance, this isn't a post trying to get attention or anything, simply just wanting to figure out how to kill this negative, demonic inner critic and harsh self esteem level","First of all, relax. Your mind can be shaped and it can adapt to whatever. So let there be CHANGE. Change your life in terms of its quality. You simply cannot be happy, full of energy, open-minded, etc. if you are slave to yourself. Only person who is holding you back from a different life is you. Start exercising, quit vices, start cold showers, stop pmo, eat good and healthy, get the fuck out of comfort zone. When you step out of your comfort zone, by doing things, which means TAKING ACTION, thats when life starts to change. You can read thousands of stoic, non-stoic, whatever quotes or books, but you cannot really understand them until you drive yourself to a point of where you love yourself fully. One way to love yourself is you accomplish things, you feel full filled and most importantly you will feel good about yourself which leads to one thing most modern people struggle with - purpose. Not many people today know their purpose, so if you focus on your purpose and start building yourself mentally and physically by taking real action, you literally cracked a code to life. Last but not least do not try to speed things up, things take time, but you have to work on them in order to get them, action, action, action. Thats when your mind is not able to think thousand scenarios per minute and thats where overthinking stops. Wish you the best, take your time, as Seneca said: Sometimes even to live is an act of courage. Be brave stranger. And yes, you live your life, this is what made me feel good about myself, hope something helps",Good stoic ways to deal with feeling worthless?,,general_qa 332,"I have been doing a lot of reading and thinking about Stoicism and related philosophies. To help me be more actionable about putting all of this into practice, I am trying to create a succinct ""every day life decision tree"" of what to do. It should be as concise as possible while being complete. My plan is to memorize and internalize this, apply it throughout the day whenever I can remember, and apply it in theory when mentally reviewing the day. It is not intended to replace the much more complete and nuanced understanding I am working on building, but will hopefully work as a high level summary to help me better apply these principles ""in real time"" when I can't hit pause and ponder the situation for 5 minutes. The main categories of every-day events I thought I might encounter are (1) taking an action, (2) talking with a person or people, and (3a) experiencing a feeling (impression) or (3b) making a decision about what to do. This includes some ideas from other philosophies so not 100% Stoicism, but I would still love any feedback from this community on recommended changes (either high level: ""add / remove this concept,"" or nitty-gritty: ""use this word instead of that word""). Thanks! **Every day life decision tree:** * Start with ""loving kindness"" and being present, then... * Action --> Perform it with excellence and discipline (for myself), enjoy the process & be present in the moment. * Person --> Have no ego. What can I learn from them? * Feeling (or Decision) --> Is the immediate situation fully determinable by my conscious volition? * Yes --> Assent with wisdom and reason. * No --> Accept past or present with reverence; regard future hypotheticals with indifference. * If negative --> Remember things not bad only our perceptions of things, detach myself from my ego (cosmic outside view), opportunity to respond impressively well & practice discipline (decision within my control). * If positive --> Remove expectations, enjoy the moment, remember the fragility of plans. **Edit:** I just found [this](https://www.dropbox.com/s/t3rpjeq4uxw150t/graphic-Stoic%20decision%20making.jpeg?dl=0) online from [this](https://howtobeastoic.wordpress.com/stoicism-101/) website, which is quite helpful and I plan to use it. But I also still want to keep and refine my own decision tree as it includes some mantras and mental cues that I find more helpful.","Hello there, Could you explain the ""distinguis"" - > attempt/result idea for me please? Thanks and have a nice day Ryan","Requesting feedback on my ""Stoic Decision Tree""",,general_qa 333,"I've gotten the idea of stoicism dealing more wuth anxiety, anger and stress, it has definitely helped me with those. But I haven't heard much about depression. I just feel like the ""pursue virtue"" and ""only work for what's within our control"" etc., doesn't really help when someone just doesn't enjoy life one bit you know. Any advice or thoughts?","The Stoic recognises that she is not her body. Feelings, coming from the body, can be observed, even indulged, but should not controll the Stoic's decision-making. To put another way, it's okay to feel bad. It's not okay to act bad because you feel bad. When I am depressed or upset, I try to focus on doing things I dislike - if I'm going to feel bad anyway, I may as well be productive with it. When you're depressed, you don't want to do anything; but wanting is just a feeling, and doesn't change what needs to be done, or what is proper to do. The Stoic doesn't care about wants, the Stoic cares about is proper to do. That's how I see it, anyway.",Do the stoics have anything to say about depression?,,general_qa 334,"So my ex and I broke up around 18 months ago. He came back after a few months of silence on my end. And he came back *strong*. But it only lasted a few weeks and he was gone again. He didn't have the ""time"" for a relationship but he ""loved"" me. The experience broke me and shattered my self-esteem in a lot of ways. He was highly critical of me. Would say big, heavy words, but when the chips were down it seems that he didn't mean any of it. I've done ***a lot*** to repair my self-esteem and sense of self since then. I was finally feeling ""over"" the whole ordeal. Then I accidentally found out about his new girlfriend on social media. I hate myself for doing this but, inevitably, I started drawing comparisons between her and I. I'm more attractive, I'm smarter, I'm more successful. So then I started asking myself, what's wrong with *me?* He didn't have time for me, someone who is ""better"" on paper, but he has time for her? His life is materially the same. Same job. Same friends. But I wasn't ""good"" enough to be part of it, but she is? So then I start thinking things like, well maybe she's funnier than me. Nicer than me. More sociable than me (this was something my ex criticized me for, he said he felt like ""I didn't enjoy hanging out with his friends,"" but that was *far* from the truth. I was just a little insecure. I was quite young and have a case of resting bitch face). Maybe she's tidier than me (my apartment was consistently a disorganized wreck in college). I don't even *want* my ex back. Truthfully, I could do better. He's mediocre all around. He would freak out at the tiniest things. He has very little ambition. He was either extremely nice to me, or quite cruel. I want someone steadier. Someone I can trust with my problems and concerns. Someone I can communicate with effectively. I thought he was maybe that person, but he absolutely wasn't. It was as if he was always playing ""a role."" But in reality, he was selfish, reactionary, and a bit unstable. I wasn't even very physically attracted to him to begin with. Nonetheless, this new girl has made me feel like shit. I don't even know why. I know this is a very human response, but I detest myself for reacting this way. I moved to a new city for law school and I'm heavy in the books. It's a very intense course, so I don't really even have time to date. So I'm over here, on my own, wondering what's wrong with me, all the while harboring bad feelings for a guy I haven't spoken to in over a year and criticizing a girl I haven't even met (who I'm sure is a perfectly nice person). Despite this reaction, I do feel like I've grown so much. Changed so much. I *like* myself so much now. What bothers me most of all is, especially because I've moved far away, **my ex will never get to see this change.** **Even if he doesn't want me, I want him to** ***know*** **I'm happier, I'm less insecure, I've got my shit together, I'm better looking, I'm taking better care of myself, I have great new friends, my apartment is beautiful and neat and tidy, etc.** I fantasize about running into him and impressing him. It's dumb as fuck. It will also never happen because I've moved *so* far away. Part of my self-improvement and better mental health has been down to stoicism. I truly rate it so highly as a philosophy for living. As a non-religious person, it's been so helpful to adhere to a system like this. So, any stoic insight I can apply?","As long as you value other's views of yourself (your reputation) your well being will be in their hands. You obviously crave recognition, most of us do, however you need to shift prioritizing YOUR thoughts about yourself, over theirs, and ultimately dismissing theirs altogether.",How to deal with this is in a stoic way: My ex has a new girlfriend... I'm struggling with it.,,general_qa 335,"So I've been reading about stoicism for close to a year now, but never properly attempted the practice. Ever hour of every day, I'm constantly thinking of ""what ifs"". I have read about merely observing the thought and allowing them to pass by, but right now I'm struggling to do that as their just ruling my mind. My mind is looking for something to be afraid of, in order to make itself safe, when I'm already safe to begin with. Is there a better way I can apply stoicism to these issues?","I read a comment somewhere that defined anxiety as always hearing the boss music but never seeing the boss. I thought that was spot on, lol! There are some concrete practices you can do to help you ease up on this habit. One is to ground yourself by naming (out loud if it helps) 5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear, 3 things you can feel, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. I like it because it snaps my attention out of the imaginary and focuses on the reality. Donald Robertson (Stoic philosopher and cognitive behavioral therapist) suggests things like giving yourself one dedicated time during the day to devote to these worries. Write them down on a piece of paper, put it in your pocket, and don't look at it again until 4:30, or whatever works for you (that's just an example pulled out of my hat of course). Often just the act of getting it out of our head can help remove the need to keep it there in anticipation of our addressing it. You can find [videos like this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A7oGzJ3xciU) where he explains these kinds of practical exercises on youtube. They're not terribly long and I find them very helpful.","I can't control intrusive thought, I want to develop a new way of dealing with these issues.",,general_qa 336,"So as the question states, how would you go about explaining stoicism to someone who is new to the philosophy or has no prior knowledge of the philosophy. I understand there's a faq section in the about page but, I am intrested to hear individualistic takes on stoicism/ modern stoicism.",With as few words as possible,How would you explain stoicism?,,general_qa 337,"I've very recently been shown stoicism by someone in hopes it can help me deal with a situation I've been struggling with. So basically I have this friend that's a girl and while she only sees me as a friend, I've developed feelings for her. A while ago, we've discussed the way I felt about her and that's when she says she only wants to be friends. I stepped back to evaluate everything I have come to the conclusion at the time that I value her friendship so I would try to look past feelings in order to continue being friends with her. More recently though, I've been having a hard time suppressing or overcoming those feelings. This feeling of jealousy arises when I hear about how close she is to her other guy friends than me. I'm stuck on how to approach this and deal with my emotions because thinking about it makes me feel so completely dead and unwanted.","The stoic point of view could be: We are friends,we respect and appreciate each other above all. If I am jealous, it is not her problem, it's MY problem. If my feelings can destroy our friendship, they must be ignored in order keep the friendship we both value. I want to say I am really proud of you. Guys usually get upset in these situations and leave their friend... so it's pretty obvious they don't appreciate the friendship itself. Falling in love with a friend can be painful but if you are able to keep this friendship you will become a high value man & friend. My best friend is a woman and usually I am the only guy in girls groups. Since I don't chase my friends as if I were a horny chihuahua, I have their respect and affection. When I like some girl, they are the ones who talk with the girl and say what a great guy I am. And the best part is not how easy is to get any girl but to hear the compliments from your friends. I wish you the best, man. Do your best!","What would a stoics advice/approach be for dealing with a ""friendship""",,general_qa 338,"Please don't stone me. A non-stoic has infiltrated your ranks. I'm looking for written or recorded debates between a proponent of some form of Stoicism and Aristotelian or Virtue ethics. From what little I know about Stoicism (pretty much just the Meditations), it seems like there its not so much an attempt to describe ethics as practiced by virtuous people, but to create a quasi-dualistic (and dare I say impossible) ideal for absolute detachment. For this reason, Aristotelian ethics seem to benefit from greater prudence. In some cases, I would say, it is right and proper for a particular tragedy to remove a man's peace, as long as the man's distress is proportionate to the tragedy. Now, if I tend to become overdramatic in times of distress, which I suppose would be intemperance, I can aim for the opposite extreme, but it seems like this opposite extreme (which is insensibility in Aristotle) is the ideal for all people in the Stoic view. I need to know more about Stoicism (specifically as it compares to Aristotelian ethics). Help me reddit.","I don't know a thing about Aristotle, but I can comment a bit on your question. First off, Stoicism _is_ a form of Virtue Ethics, although I realize that it's a big category and there are different flavors of that. The absolute detachment thing is interpreted in different ways. People understand that for Zen followers, true enlightenment is an ideal rather than a practical goal. They describe it as a very real thing, but they also understand that most people will never really approach it. Similarly, the Stoics understood that if you take their teachings seriously, a near-complete detachment from grief and sadness should be possible, but it's doubtful that many people really expected to live that way, or ever found their way that far along the path. > it is right and proper for a particular tragedy to remove a man's peace, as long as the man's distress is proportionate to the tragedy. I think everyone would agree with that, but with different ideas of what 'proportionate' should mean in practice. Some children are raised in horrific and abusive conditions, and some fraction of them grow into adults who are remarkably healthy and sweet-tempered, while others descend into violence and self-destructive acts. Which of these children display the proportionate response? Who's the most healthy? Our social norms and expectations, and the natural condition of a healthy human being, might be quite different. We currently live at a time were a substantial fraction of the people around us are walking around with clinically significant anxiety and depressive disorders, so I think there is plenty of room here to reconsider what normal really means. With that said, Epictetus's description of people who can lose their families and homes and not lose their appetite for lunch that day something we can probably all agree is more theoretical than practical. I think I can say with confidence that nobody here is really shooting for that level of daily practice. Stoicism is not about suppression of emotion but correctness of emotion, which follows naturally from correctness of one's world view. If we see things for what they are, we'll naturally respond to them in a correct way. In the Stoic view, external things come and go, and humans are pretty good about dealing with that, once they stop talking themselves into unnecessary attachments and unfounded expectations.",Stoicism vs Aristotelian/Virtue Ethics,,general_qa 339,"As the numbers on the sub increase the frequency of questions which are asked which claim to be stoic ideas also increases. There seems to be a huge gap in understanding of stoicism where we have certain people who study and practice for years and then newcomers constantly arriving which I also believe is wonderful. When I see a teenager talking about the work they are doing it gives me great hope for them that they will have the tools in life. My issue is I've seen posts challenging stoicism being a white men's philosophy and other woke revisionist ideas. While I salute the idea of free thinking that people do, some of these posts are revisionist and claim they are stoic ideas. The issue I see is by not calling these out or requiring some sort of edits, we are misleading some of the new minds who cannot discern or know to discern what is really a stoic idea versus what is revisionist. I'm not sure the right way to moderate this but I think the words people use when they claim things are stoic need to be checked and evaluated objectively versus what someone prefers to be their convenient stoic ideal. I have no issue with the posts as the discourse and forum are essential, it's that they claim they are stoic ideas versus stoic inspired/interpreted ideas.","We've had few similar discussions in the past - what it usually seems to come down to is that it is important to use the right labels for things. Classical Stoicism is great. Modern Stoicism is great. We can happily discuss both ideas in the same place, too, but what we _don't_ want is to give the impression that the new, modern ideas are in fact the classical ideas. It's the misrepresentation that causes the harm. Of course, this gets further complicated when people try to define the difference between classical and modern Stoicism, and disagree about that, too... We could use flair to help sort it out, but the people who most need to use it, won't, because the fact that they most need to use it suggests they don't really understand that there's anything wrong to begin with. I think the best we can do is to make an effort, on our own, to distinguish things thoughtfully as we go. This is arguably a good practice anyway, in every part of our lives.",Stoicism vs Modern Stoicism vs Woke Stoicism vs Revisionist Stoicism which do we want to be?,,general_qa 340,"For context: 17M, been trying NoFap for about a year, currently on a 60 day streak, things have definitely been improving from where I was prior to NoFap, yet I still go through bouts of extreme depression and anxiety, this was set off because I have come far enough to hang out with the girl I like but I get there and it's like everything goes to shit, I can't speak, feel extreme social anxiety, and my personality just dissolves Okay, so right now I am very heavily considering going to therapy for this. I'm starting to believe that there's a much deeper issue hidden within my addiction to porn, that simply stopping watching it and masturbating to it isn't really enough. Stoicism has helped me a lot and I've had some profound realizations, and happier feelings until now. I've gone through feelings of anxiety and depression before and stoicism has helped me through them, but this time I just can't get past these feelings. So more specifically I feel an extreme sense of emptiness, I feel like I just can't get happy, and it feels like when you have to throw up. Problem is I can't just puke it out, or work around it, even Stoicism seems like it's gone to shit because of this. It's like I know what I have to do, but I just can't. I know that I know what to do but I can't calm down enough to figure it out. Please if anyone has any thoughts on this, or wants to reference me somewhere else, please do so, I really can't even explain what this feels like other than being choked, and having to throw up and not being able to. Thanks :)","Happy cake day. I would recommend the therapist. Sounds like you may have some unresolved issues/trauma that are causing the issue to resurface. Get through whatever residual stuff is there. I view stoicism as a great tool to handle life as it happens, but I had to address my ""stuff"" first for it to work. Good luck to you.",How do I let feelings just pass? I've been able to before but this time I'm having a lot of trouble. (NoFap),,general_qa 341,"My response to his offer of becoming a stoic: ""Sorry, I'm highly familiar with stoicism. It isn't for me. It's just not my way. I'm a very intelligent man but I'm very in tune with my emotional sensitivity and it feels like a blessing to be able to feel them to a high degree and connect with people empathically on a higher level. I just can't imagine become aloof, standoffish, and not responsive to anything or I'd lose the passion and reasoning of my altruism and selflessness. It doesn't cater well to me. If I crumble from emotion so be it. I'm sure in time I'll prosper better as I have been currently. I think reasoning and emotion isn't a mutually exclusive thing we should separate when without emotion, we have no drive or impetus to even set out to do anything worthwhile. How we do it is where intellect comes in."" Is stoicism really being uncaring, aloof, stand-offish, emotionally distant and unavailable to people around you just to survive in a world like this? If I'm wrong, I'm not sure where. Maybe I'm familiar with the negative connotations of it that hurt me in relationships?","Maybe stoicism with the small ""s"", but definitely not Stoicism as a philosophy. In short it's about living well, understanding what things are wise to aim for, looking at your impressions about the world and consciously deciding which are the correct ones (like love for your family) and which aren't (like being afraid of discomfort). There is a FAQ on this sub that includes a great introduction.","Someone linked me this subreddit and I don't think this is the right place for me, but I want to post this because I may have a misconception about stoicism...",,general_qa 342,"Emotions feel like the counterforce at work to the logical power I often see promoted by stoic philosophy. However, a lot of modern psychological research has eluded to self empowerment through understanding our emotions and sometimes tapping into them. One example is a study that showed when people who were able to more accurately define what their emotion was, were likely to feel more in control of their emotions. Other psychologists mention self empowerment through listening to emotions as connected to our personal values. A great example of this would be when someone is angry, instead of just bursting into anger or denying it (and then maybe bursting into anger at a later time), the person asks themselves what value (or set of values) was challenged that may have led anger to rise up. Another example would be when someone is sad, asking themselves what idea or value they may need to let go of. So, for those who know way more about stoicism than I do, beyond denial and authoritative control, how are emotions integrated into stoicism and your own ability to function in life?","In addition to this, I'm learning that emotional management of others is an important facet of the Stoic understanding of emotion. Stoicism says a lot about how to manage emotion in yourself but little on how to manage it in others. I have observed that most people use emotional ""reasoning"" in daily life to make decisions, and Stoicism acknowledges this. However, many times, people just want you to acknowledge their emotional states as legitimate without necessarily acting on them. I used to believe that acknowledging someone's emotions would require me to act on them but this is not usually the case. Mostly, it's someone concerned that they are not being respected and demanding their due respect. If you would grant even token acknowledgment of their emotional concerns, that's often enough to make them drop them and allow you to lead them towards a rational approach to the problem at hand. This is less a matter of Stoicism and more a matter of rhetoric, via Aristotle, where appeals to pathos (emotion) can be redirected to an appeal to logos (reason). As irrational and vain as this is, the most effective persuasion often requires appeals to irrational forces. Let's face it, it usually takes emotional investment to be motivated to take action.",Emotional Integration into Stoic Philosophy?,,general_qa 343,"So I've been really thinking about this for a while, but how can I practice mindfulness (staying in the present moment ) and practice stoicism ? Do they not contradict ? I've read people say that they actually compliment each other but don't you need to think and reflect in order to live a more stoic life ? Marcus sure did a lot of self reflection (in my opinion) in Meditations. How would he have practiced mindfulness ? How do we still plan if we are trying to live in the present moment?","I'd also add that mindfulness isn't just about living about the present moment. It's about living in the present moment AND being in an active state of awareness, where you notice your thoughts, sensations, and relationship to the world, and do that noticing with a stance of non-judgmentalness and curiosity. That last part is really important. You cultivate active awareness while also creating a very slight detachment between yourself and the feelings/thoughts/sensations that arise for you. I think that meshes well with some ideas from stoicism, though the underlying philosophies of this type of mindfulness (Buddhism) would probably disagree with how strongly some stoics hold onto personal notions of virtue and values.",How does one combine mindfulness practice with stoicism?,,general_qa 344,"For me, 15. I began early this year and am in a much better state with my mental health as well as just my issues in everyday life thanks to stoicism.","Don't thank stoicism, thank yourself.",How old were you when you first found out about/started practising stoicism?,,general_qa 345,"I am still new to Stoic principles and philosophy, but I have heard that Stoics: \- Learn how to take action on what is in their control. \- Use reason to view the world in a way in which their emotions don't govern their way of thinking and behaviors. But what about the other way around? We know that emotions also influence the way in which we think. For example, someone with trauma might have to work directly with the emotions that have been stored in their body to learn how to deal with them. Rational thought won't be enough to learn how to deal with such strong emotions. For example: *""Traumatized people chronically feel unsafe inside their bodies: The past is alive in the form of gnawing interior discomfort. Their bodies are constantly bombarded by visceral warning signs, and, in an attempt to control these processes, they often become expert at ignoring their gut feelings and in numbing awareness of what is played out inside. They learn to hide from their selves."" (p.97)""* From ""The Body Keeps the Score"" by Bessel van der Kolk. I am aware of how Stoicism influenced much of current cognitive-behavioral therapy, but I would be interested to know how would Stoics deal with overwhelming emotions that are stuck in their bodies.","The ancient Stoics believed that a soul (we can use ""mind"" too in this context) can develop a condition, which means it's prone to certain passions. This can mean both receiving specific impressions (""this situation is dangerous""), value judgments (""this situation is bad, and to be avoided""), and a tendency to believe in and habitually give assent to those impressions and judgments. They viewed it much like regular ""physical"" medicine - a patient can also develop a bodily illness or condition that produces certain symptoms, and can be treated by appropriate means. I think that while it's kinda simplistic, it's also a good model to use when thinking about trauma. Stoics believed the way to healing such a condition is repeated, consistent practice. One possible path is dealing with those impressions directly. We can analyze those impressions and try and refute them (""logically this situation isn't dangerous or bad""), but to be honest this is isn't very helpful when dealing with strong emotions associated with trauma. Or maybe it requires a very specific approach - which is what therapists are trained to do, using specific tools. Another path is a sort of exposure therapy. This means as we encounter similar situations with different outcomes, we slowly retrain our mind to produce different impressions and judgments, which reflect the situation better. I think that modern therapy techniques (which AFAIR are mentioned in that book) are compatible with this in a way. The difference is, they are meant to affect impressions in a different way than ""logically talking and thinking yourself out of trauma"" that is often associated with Stoic practice. Aside from that Stoicism includes a lot of other concepts that can be very helpful for people suffering from trauma. For example the Dichotomy of Control can help with the common feeling of lack of agency. Stoic ideas about Virtue being our only moral value can help with feelings of worthlessness.",How does a Stoic learn to deal with strong emotions that come from trauma?,,general_qa 346,"I got my bike stolen today. I really liked that bike. We don't live in the greatest area, and I had locked it up outside the grocery store while I ran in to get some things for lunch. I was in there for maybe a max of 10 minutes, and when I came out it was obviously gone. I just bought it about 7 months ago so my wife and I could do some form of outdoor activity with all this quarantining going on. I asked around to a few of the homeless people outside and another guy riding his bike down the street. But of course no one saw anything. As I was walking home all I could think about was practicing stoicism. Was there something I could've done to prevent this? What can I do now to fix the situation? Should I be super pissed about this (cuz I was/am), or should I just brush it off and get a new one? Not sure how to approach the situation, and figured coming on here may help me to mentally process everything. Still pissed, though.","Your bike was stolen. Debating yourself about what *could* have been done to prevent it is pointless because it's already gone. Getting angry about it isn't going to bring it back. Nor will punishing yourself for the actions of another bring it back. You accept that it was outside of your control (literally and figuratively,) and think about what you can do next time. Like get insurance to transfer the risk of theft, or use a sturdier lock, or put the bike in better view of the public to deter theft. Even then, these methods aren't necessarily fate-proof. Heck, none of those things may be worthwhile because the bike may not even be that expensive to begin with. Get a cheap bike, so what if someone steals it? Effort should be proportional to the reward. Replacing it might be cheaper than the stress of trying to figure out how to make it theft-proof.",What's the stoic stance on theft?,,general_qa 347,"I've been discussing about this with someone whom I'll class as an extreme skeptic. He mostly says that Stoicism is like the ""self-help"" things which only puts forward things that ""sound good to the mediocre"" and thus attracts a lot of attention. I can't give a total background of what his stance his but he's mostly a totally Academically inclined person, and admires Nietzsche, Wittgenstein, etc and also surprisingly psychoanalysts such as Jung and Freud. What my problem with him is, he says these things aren't Philosophies. He says a Philosophy has to be rooted with ontology and epistemology, and ancient Philosophy (Stoicism specifically) totally miss that. And when examined under the light of modern Skepticism they fail the test and thus are praised just among the ""mediocre"" because they aren't _that_ skeptic. Another thing to mention is , he gets quite ""emotional"" at times I mean he uses ""theological"" terms to make Stoicism sound as a religion, and tries to belittle me for being a ""dogmatic"" believer. Of course I tackled that rationally with the help of Stoics . I would like to hear from you all about this. I myself am a practicing Stoic , and I have tried to argue with him for a while but i would like to know what others think about this.","I'd stop trying to convince him of anything. First and foremost, he's literally fighting you over the definition of a word, ""philosophy"". His skepticism is failing him before it even takes a look at something worth being skeptical about. This is rather lucky for his own ego, because if he were able to get past his dismissiveness, he'd be forced to realize there's not much to be skeptic about when it comes to Stoicism. From how you describe this person, Stoicism would currently be incompatible with his emotional attachment to the pursuit of knowledge, which is noble, but almost always tainted by personal bias. Your friend might be pretty smart, probably smarter than most people here, including myself, but he isn't very wise. Not if he is using those specific words you are quoting. They are very emotionally charged and unnecessarily scathing. Stoicism doesn't require skepticism of anything besides your own ego. This is why he's going to tirelessly fight you on the issue, which is incredibly ironic and humorous. Stoicism is not dogmatic at its core, as no external influence is required for a person to develop a full-suite of Stoic ideals and practices. Stoicism doesn't actually require being taught. You can be a practicing Stoic and not realize it, and you can be Stoic to any degree. 0%-100%. You can be a practicing Stoic and have highly metaphysical and dogmatic ideals about the workings of the universe, or you can be fully skeptic and live a life of ""what you see is what you get."" Doesn't matter. Stoicism doesn't discriminate. Stoicism is not a very complicated philosophy. It doesn't really clash with other philosophies, political stances, or religions the way other philosophies do. It is therefore extremely uninteresting to debate and compare. Stoicism doesn't require you to be a hyper-intellectual to participate. It is the everyday man's philosophy, because virtue is something everyone is imbued with. In this sense, your friend might view it as ""mediocre"", but many quite enjoy our simple, little practice, and are happier as a result of it. That is, unfortunately for Stoicism skeptics, not up to debate.",Is Stoicism (Stoic Metaphysics essentially) dogmatic ?,,general_qa 348,"I started reading through Meditations, and I came across a passage that struck me as something I hadn't considered in stoicism. ""11. You could leave life right now. Let that determine what you do and say and think. If the gods exist, then to abandon human beings is not frightening; the gods would never subject you to harm. And if they don't exist, or don't care what happens to us, **what would be the point of living in a world without gods or Providence?**"" As an atheist myself who has benefitted from the stoic ethics quite a lot, I realised that I never considered what stoicism taught about purpose of life. Something to keep you going when you are feeling unmotivated and existential, and here Aurelius seems to just say that religion is meant to give you meaning. Can secular stoics derive a sense of purpose/meaning from stoicism? Of course, the stoic views on the dichotomy of control and virtue are tremendously useful, but they don't seem to answer any existential questions. So as a philosophy, is secular stoicism incomplete?","Meaning is not inherent, meaning is created. To accept all that the philosophers tell us, without applying our Reason, is to reject their teachings.",Meaning and purpose from a secular Stoic perspective?,,general_qa 349,"I understand the basics of Stoicism. I understand not to worry about externals and things that are out of my control. Even though I mentally understand this, I still often react physically. For example, I have a letter coming today from the IRS. My mind knows there is nothing I can do until I open and read the letter, yet my heart still races at the thought of getting the letter. Has anyone had success making their body act Stoically in addition to their mind?","Our initial impressions (gut reaction) we don't fully control, Epictetus notes this in Fragments 9. What we do control is our beliefs (that largely impact impressions) and if we agree (assent) to them or not. As we continually adjust beliefs and consistently practice the discipline of assent the impressions change, and how quickly we recover does as well (again see aforementioned passage).",How do I control physical impulses even when my mind understands Stoic principles?,,general_qa 350,"So im pretty new to stoicism and only heard about it recently. Ive investigated it a bit today by the use of this subreddit and a few podcasts. Its given me an idea of what stoicism is. I've been personally unhappy for my whole life and have been trying to change that to no success. I was wondering if stoicism could help with that. I'm currently in a situation in which i wanna try applying stoicism for which id like some of your help as im not sure how. My situation is as follows: im currently in my fourth, and last, year of my study. I'm working on my graduation project which i do at an internship. I'm not passionate to my study, but since ive come so far, i do want to finish it. Right now i have a deadline in 4 weeks for my project. However, progress has been slow. I've barely been able to make anything and i doubt that its gonna pass. This has been stressing me a lot. My psychologist told me that it would be best to make peace with possible failure. Think of it with a ""thats too bad, but i still got 80 years to live. Itll only take half a year to try again."". I find it hard however to think this way. I cant help but hate myself for being so little knowledgeable in my field. Besides that, i havent been motivated to learn more. I've been lazy ever since we've had to work home due to corona. Its easy for me to get distracted and i keep shoving the hard tasks to the other day. I try to avoid thinking of the incoming deadline and failure, but it only stresses me more and more. Stress has been having a big impact on my life. Whenever im stressed ,i feel the need for a break. But whenever i get a break, i find it hard to rest, thinking that ""i mightve forgotten to do something."" Or ""ill have to do those other things next after this break"", which results also in a kind of stress. I cant have any peace in my mind. However, im responsible for failing my project. Its my own doing and its basically my choice to fail or work super hard and maybe not fail. im lazy. And therefore i hate myself and feel disgusted that i act as a victim while this upcoming failure is gonna be the product of my own doing. I dont know how to deal with myself. What would be a stoic approach to this situation? What would be a good stoic mindset? Thanks in advance.","It sounds like you know how to do the project so why not just tough it out so you finish your degree and move on to the next chapter? Stoicism is about focusing on the things under your control. Your project is under your control.",Stoicism and dealing with stress and self hate,,general_qa 351,"Good day everyone, tomorrow is my birthday... I hope I can vent out a little to this sub. I recently joined this sub during this pandemic and it sure did helped a lot in making my perspective better and how I look and handle things. I'm pretty much a lurker only here but I sure do read a lot of advices and messages to different people out here, it's making me happy for the most part as I can apply what I've learned to my daily life and share what I've learned here as well. I even bought the book ""Meditations"" since it's highly recommended here but I'm only in the Introduction part so far. But going back, I don't know why but every time my birthday is approaching, it's just a sad day to me always. I'm trying to tackle it a bit better than how I did last year, but I guess it's going to be a sad day again but not as sad as it was before since I'm learning about Stoicism. Is there anything I can do to make myself a bit better? (everyone is busy as of tomorrow, even me as well...) Me and my friends are very busy since it's our last and final semester (graduating), my girlfriend and my parents have work as well. Edit: I'm waiting for my girlfriend to invite me for a short dinner but her parents are strict as hell (which is so irritating in my part before but I'm kinda used to it now) so I understand that she will probably not tell me so. My parents are busy for the most part so it's okay, my friends are okay if they won't invite me since I always see them weekly","Birthdays are fun while you're young but then you realize everyone stops giving a shit. I've learned in life that the more you expect from other people, the more disappointed you get. So now I have zero expectations for my birthday every year and it's brought me a ton of tranquility.",How do stoics handle birthdays?,,general_qa 352,"EDIT - I pushed myself through the ""history"" part and now I'm loving this book .. it's so freaking amazzziiiingg.... I'm glad that I found Stoicism. post - I came to know about Stoicism through YT, and when and learnt more about it. I immediately fell in love with the concept of Stoicism. I've been trying to understand Life's Philosophy, so that I can live a purposeful life. (I'm 22) I'm practicing Hinduism & Zen, but now I've made my mind to switch to Stoicism. I started from reading A Guide to The Good Life by William Irvine, but the problem is that I'm getting bored in the very first part (history). Mostly because, of the Greek/Roman jargons. Can anyone please suggest me a simple but interesting book for beginners? Also, if you'll explain me how to build more interest in the process of becoming Stoic. I really want to pursue Stoicism, my life's philosophy and Stoicism is very similar. Help me out. . ""As is a tale, so is life: not how long it is, but how good it is, is what matters."" ~ Seneca","The Practicing Stoic I like this book. I recently finished this audiobook, then bought the book for my teenage daughter and she is enjoying it. It breaks down different writings from the Stoics, it references each passage so you know where to find the source, and then elaborates on each one in an understandable way",I'm bored. Save me!!,,general_qa 353,"Hi all ! I'm discovering stoicism and trying to better myself with some success but there is one thing that I can't seem to even slightly improve on is dealing with injustice I can't do anything about, and it most likely happens with rude people when driving. Lane cutting, overtaking on the right, waiting for the very last time to insert in a slow and busy lane... It happens constantly where I live and it makes me mad... The thing is I can't do anything about it. I've tried to let it go, to look for legitimate reasons why someone would do that (in an emergency, lost etc...) but that's not really helping because I don't really believe it... I try and see the good in the situation too, being a careful driver I avoided the accident their recklessness could have caused... But sometimes when I'm stuck in traffic and I see some jerk overtaking everyone on the emergency stop lane I just want to go in their right in front of them and ruin their fucking day... But that's the problem : the only way ""justice"" could be served would be completely dangerous, reckless and unjust... I could get severly injured, so could they... They're being jerks, not killing people either... So no matter what, I can only suck it up because nothing I could do would really bring justice. Anyone else dealing with that ?","Driving was and continues to be a good Stoic practice ritual for me. I used to become quite angry or frustrated with others' driving. It has taken consistent practice to improve my mindset while driving. Anger is our primitive response to what we interpret as an injustice. It almost always does nothing to help us. The driving habits of others is completely out of your control. When you become frustrated or angered with the bad driving of others the only true injustice that is committed is when you let your emotions take the reins. You have just enslaved yourself to your own emotions and in proxy to those bad drivers. Stop, breath, focus on the realization of what is out of your control and let go. Genuinely practice in those moments and I promise you will see improvement.",Dealing with jerk drivers and injustice in general,,general_qa 354,"What stoicism has said about stoicism?and how does a stoic deal with procrastination? I've read some stuff but I'm not sure if there's something that has been said before about this.","* ""In your actions, don't procrastinate. In your conversations, don't confuse. In your thoughts, don't wander. In your soul, don't be passive or aggressive. In your life, don't be all about business."" --MARCUS AURELIUS, MEDITATIONS, 8.51 * ""Since habit is such a powerful influence, and we're used to pursuing our impulses to gain and avoid outside our own choice, we should set a contrary habit against that, and where appearances are really slippery, use the counterforce of our training."" --EPICTETUS, DISCOURSES, 3.12.6",Procrastination,,general_qa 355,"I have read meditations by Marcus Aurelius, but find it a little too difficult to apply. I would like to start with something a little easier.","James Stockdale is a popular one. Here's one of his speeches about one of his books. https://youtu.be/pmA_Rn-R2y0",Can anybody suggest me some books about people of the modern age who practiced stoicism??,,general_qa 356,"For context, today we're seeing our first major anti-lockdown protests here in Sydney (at least in a while) and it's resulting in some sense of frustration for me. Things had been going well for almost a year, and now numbers have been rising (and continue to rise) despite the one month of lockdown we've now been in, but now we've got people going out in-mass without masks protesting. I'm very much new to Stoicism (I'm about 70% through How To Think Like a Roman Emperor, my first foray into Stoicism, and I'm really enjoying it), but I don't feel like I have a good sense for how ""the wise man"" would react to this. Specifically: 1. What thoughts do they think to themselves to alleviate and accept these events with ""Stoic indifference""? 2. When in conversation with other people (e.g. friends), how would the wise man discuss it? Would they condemn the protestors? Express frustration? I struggle to imagine how Stoics such as Marcus would have behaved and spoken about these events. I think those around me would (understandably) be somewhat weirded out if I showed no frustration or anger, and simply seemed completely indifferent, but that's what I've interpreted from the book as being the ""wise"" or Stoic response. Curious to hear your thoughts - I of course don't want to get political and that's not my intention here - my questions are more about the Stoic response to these sorts of events that are pretty far outside our control, but where frustration could understandably arise that is directed at other people.","Stoicism isn't going to tell you what political measures to implement or support in particular, but it does teach that it is our nature and our duty to pursue the betterment of our societies/communities. Depending on an individual's values and understanding of their community and their evaluation of the threats posed by either the virus or the measures taken to combat the virus, a practicing Stoic could take either side of the debate and actively work to convince others to join their cause. In either case, their goal would be to promote safety and prosperity, because seeking these things is in our nature, even if the actual attainment of them is not good or bad in a moral sense. Frustration is a sign of some underlying value judgment being out of alignment with reality. Maybe it's the irrational desire to be perceived as being right, or the erroneous belief that it's impossible for someone with a brain to disagree with you. Whatever it is, when the false belief is exposed by circumstances, when our unrealistic expectations are thwarted by cold reality, the inevitable result is our confusion, anger, resentment, anxiety, and overall distress. To sum up these thoughts, you can be politically engaged without sacrificing your morality, your tranquility, or your fellowship and goodwill.","What is the Stoic response to lockdown/""freedom"" protests?",,general_qa 357,"I have been a worrier all my life. I am 21 and most of my life I have spent worrying about events that have already occurred and are no longer under my control. For example, if I have messed up a test, I will keep reflecting on how I could have done better and regret it instead of preparing for my next one. When I came across Stoicism, I felt so empowered. I all made a lot of sense, but I found it so difficult to practice. Whenever I come under some woe, I still get affected by it. How did you set out on your journey? And how successful have you been?","1. Be impeccable with your word. 2. Take nothing personally. Nothing anyone does is about you. They do things, say things, and love or hate you out or their own perspective of the world. 3. Don't make assumptions. If you are so sure about the future, go buy a lottery ticket. Whenever I think I know what is going to happen, what should happen, what someone else is thinking (about me or anything else), I tell myself to go buy a lottery ticket. You know how many times I've won? I haven't. 4. Always do your best. You can't do better than your best and it's always changing, moment to moment. No amount of beating yourself up is going to change your past. All you can do is your best and learn from your mistakes, forgive yourself, and move on.",Stoicism is so hard to practise.,,general_qa 358,"Quite new here, I think I lived a fairly hedonistic life and am in the process of changing my attitude towards it. Was wondering if someone could point out what Stoicism says about personal pleasure. Thanks","The literature you're looking for are the Stoic critiques of Hedonism. Here's a rando blog article that goes into it a bit: https://donaldrobertson.name/2017/06/04/stoic-arguments-against-hedonism/ There's an important difference between physical pleasure ( especially, sexual pleasure ) and emotional contentment derived from moral goodness. Seeking pleasure at the expense of moral goodness is a short term illusory thing. E.g. jacking off to porn feels really good until right after orgasm and then one feels regret and shame. Hookups would be similar. Drugs are worse. In contrast, the long term feelings of pride and happiness that come from standing up for a person being bullied is a deeper and better kind of feeling. Same with building something or doing something important that carries some measure of pain ( e.g. childbirth ) but provides durable goodness for a community. The fact that you're looking into Stoicism after Hedonism is illustrative of the point. Ultimately, personal pleasure is an empty illusion. Edit: spelling and grammar",What does Stoicism have to say about personal pleasure?,,general_qa 359,"I started to seriously practice employing stoicism in my daily life about a week ago. I have also begun implementing Stoic exercises, and they have helped me be more calm and relaxed. Since there is a quarantine in my country I am kind of stuck with my family at home, and my mother's comment yesterday really made me think that what I'm doing is not Stoic. She said that I have changed and have become 'emotionless'. My goal was to be in control of my emotions, not actually suppress them, which is exactly what I believe Stoicism is about. So, I am probably not doing everything right and therefore would like a bit of help. How can I actually control my emotions without suppressing them and becoming detached from my family?",Replace your word 'emotionless' with nonreactive.. but only be this way when relevant.. for all things/situations irrelevant. But don't be a lifeless dud with no spark when it's time to shine.,Am I doing this right?,,general_qa 360,"I just read this passage in a book by John Sellars: 'If we tie out happiness to achieving the outcome, we run the risk of being frequently disappointed, but if we make our goal simply doing the best we can, then nothing can get in our way'. Now, on the surface this seems like a perfectly good attitude to adopt. However, let me apply this to a sporting context to convey why I'm still struggling to get on board with this kind of message. Boxer A and Boxer B are both training for a fight. Boxer A adopts the aforementioned philosophy. He is concerned with doing the best he can and whilst he obviously wants to win, he is more bothered about his personal performance. Boxer B, on the other hand, has made sure that his happiness is dependent on winning this fight and is totally focussed on the outcome. Which boxer do you think is more likely to win the fight? I can assure you, of the top athletes in professional sport, 99% of them will have similar attitudes to that of Boxer B, because that is the attitude of success. The attitude advocated in the quote by Sellars is one of failure, one of apprehensiveness that will limit how successful one becomes. Mental preparation is so pertinent to success in all areas of life and so if fear of not achieving a certain outcome drives you to become better prepared for a scenario, in turn increasing your chances of success, then why should you not utilise it. I've posted similar things on here before and often been downvoted so please tell me if and why you disagree as I'm writing this from a place of wanting to get on board with Stoicism, and it's ideas and queries such as this which hold me back.",">Is Stoicism harmful to your chance of success in a given scenario? >I can assure you, of the top athletes in professional sport, 99% of them will have similar attitudes to that of Boxer B, because that is the attitude of success. The attitude advocated in the quote by Sellars is one of failure, one of apprehensiveness that will limit how successful one becomes. What's the point of discussing this, if you're apparently already convinced about what is the correct answer to your question?",Is Stoicism harmful to your chance of success in a given scenario?,,general_qa 361,"I've been looking into both Stoicism and LaVeyan Satanism for a small while now, and I find myself aligning with views from both ideologies. I know Satanism is painted as ""the big bad"" but the actual ideals (according to Wikipedia) seem really laid back and unbothered, specifically intended to allow you to enjoy life and take pride in your carnal desires/your human nature. There are a few things I don't like about Satanism and a few things I don't like about Stoicism, but for the most part they are both very appealing to me and match my train of thought well. I agree with LaVeyan Satanism philosophy in the sense that I don't allow any entity or belief system to wholly rule my decisions in life, being an outsider by nature and living as I see fit, and living by my own rules as according to my carnal desire. I also agree with Stoicism's philosophy of non-regret and unbothered-ness. I think they are closer in nature than some would like to admit. Stoicism and LaVeyan Satanism are close in some regards and far apart in others, I think the biggest difference is Stoics seem more altruistic and self-denying than Satanists tend to be. By no means am I a philosopher, nor am I deep into ideology or theology; I just find both very interesting and I'm not sure if I identify with one or the other or something in-between. I am curious what the thoughts of a real Stoic are towards LaVeyan Satanism.","The good is good, the wack stuff is wack. It's the same way I think of most things. Just take the bits you like and leave the rest and call this new mix uniquely yours"". I also find all things compatible with a broad enough understanding of their meaning.",Thoughts on LaVeyan Satanism (otherwise known as rationalistic satanism or atheistic satanism)?,,general_qa 362,"How do I stop lying to myself and start embracing logic? Sometimes I find myself acting like I don't have control over my life, even though I know it is within my power to change my actions. Sometimes I avoid my responsibilities compulsively, even though most of the time I know exactly how to do the thing I know I have to do. Sometimes when I remember I have to do the thing, the voice in my brain lies to me, telling me I don't have to do whatever the thing is. Often,\*gasp\* I believe it, but I know it is irrational to do so, and before long I tell end up repeating to myself ""I don't have to do the thing. I can put it off for a little longer."" etc. I have become so sick of this pattern in my behavior, I have brought this burdensome challenge that has been popping up in my day-to-day routine to my fellow Stoic brothers and sisters. Edit: I bet you guys get real tired of the pattern of behavior of people posting about their problems on this sub, so I thought I would add that I think the best part about Stoicism has been its way of getting me to question why I do the things I do. I am very grateful for this because having some Stoic quotes and ideals running about in my head on some bad days helps me ask myself the right questions when they need to be asked. Thank you guys for being an unwavering source of support for me and others. ","First give yourself a break. That part that is telling you ""it's ok to put it off until later"" is also part of you and it's trying to be helpful. Take responsibility for it, but dont blame it, it is not ""faulty"". Then start looking into why you dont want to do the thing that needs to be done. Then practice being truthful with yourself when you notice that procrastination voice coming up. Tell it ""I appreciate you trying to help and I see where you're coming from, but check this out"" and then show it why it's ok not to put it off until later.","Lately, when I look in the mirror I see a little baby boy in a bearded 19-year old's eyes.",,general_qa 363,"With all of the books, articles, subs, podcasts, audiobooks, videos and on and on and on out there to enrich your mind on Stoicism and other topics, how do you all pick something to focus on and feel good about the choice? Choosing any one topic to study comes at the cost of learning something else; it's exhausting. This choice-paralysis is def disrupting my tranquility. If I'm, say, rereading Epictetus, and trying my best to focus, I'm interrupted by a thought saying, ""Well you've never read [x] or studied [y], maybe it's time?"" Anyone have a Stoic take on how to think about these distracting thoughts and information overwhelm?","""If you seek tranquility, do less"" - Marcus Aurelius. If you have sources you have read and trust, you would be better served to meditate deeply on the content of those texts until you have mastered them than to read a thousand different takes on the same source information.",Information Overload,,general_qa 364,"I've been practicing stoicism now for a few years, not religiously and have only lately really been diving into it with more depth. My question is this. Stoicism says we should practice the pre-meditation of evil. So as I understand it is to taking a moment to think through everything that could go wrong with a particular plan. I've also learned that we should be mindful for staying in the present as much as possible, because when we tend to worry about future events that haven't happened it can manifest into happening. When we worry about things that has yet to happen we are only causing grief for ourselves. So when it talks about practicing premeditation of evil, would this only be for big goals, or life events where you're still planning for success but still preparing for the future. Do these not seem to contradict themselves? Of course we should be aware that we will fail throughout our life, and shouldn't be afraid of it because that's where growth happens. Any other thoughts on this?",">So as I understand it is to taking a moment to think through everything that could go wrong with a particular plan Close, but not quite. It's pre-empting the only thing Stoics consider to be ""evil"" - your own maladaptive reactions to situations (potential or actual). You anticipate ways in which you might fail to keep your will conformable to nature, and you pre-emptively prepare for those eventualities.",The premeditation of evil,,general_qa 365,"I just finished my first full year post grad, getting my career and life going in NYC away from my sleepy home town. I love it here, but I am about to get fired and will have to move in with my parents across the country. I am fortunate enough to be able to work for them, and they actually could use my help in certain areas. I think more often then not they are acting in good faith, but they can be difficult. We are very, very different personality types. My mom most likely has a sever personality disorder. We have very different views and lifestyles. They are a bit controlling and close minded. I never try to impose or judge them, but they do this to me. With the election around the corner, they will be brining up politics, then getting mad when I don't agree and blaming me for starting the conversation. They also love me a lot and I'm thankful that they are my parents. Its complicated, but instead of living on unemployment across the country I'd rather do what I think is more dignified. I will try to help them but not become essential to the business, and leave when I can get my career back on track. They will pressure and guilt me to stay, but it's not ideal for either of us. I want to help them find someone to take it over who will be passionate about this. I will be leaving Brooklyn and a young tech company for an assembly operation with mostly 40+ aged people in a small town. I'm not looking forward to this but I don't have another option. I am new to Stoicism, I became curious about it after reading Stillness is the Key. I just started Meditations, I am looking for relatable things to my situation like Marc Aurelius's passages about the plague. Please let me know if you have any suggestions. I would be very interested in something like a great thinker or leader talking about situations like this, dealing with difficult people, negotiating, family, ect. Often with my family it can feel like the USA and the USSR in WWII. Maybe something about tense alliances? Or is political stuff too different to apply to family/business dynamics? idk. I'm not looking for self help, I'm looking for inspiring stories from interesting people. It doesn't have to be Stoicism, but it seems like this is a good place to ask because Mediations is pretty great.","Enchiridion is a quick read(and a small book) that you can carry with you wherever and refer to it as you need. The free audiobook on librivox is only like 50 minutes long too. It provides such a concise but also broad explanation on what Stoicism is, and how we can apply it to our lives.","I am about to lose my job, move in my with family, and help the family business. I am looking for books (Stoic or not) to provide wisdom on how to deal with a situation like this. I would prefer philosophy or a leader's account of how they dealt with something like this. Any suggestions?",,general_qa 366,"I recently decided to pick up reading philosophy and one of the first books I decided to read was Marcus Aurelius' *Meditations.* I found it to encapsulate so much of my pre-existing outlook on the world. As I understand it, Stoicism advocates for you to go unmoved by the actions around you, but I found that it never really indicated how you should go about responding to them. For example, there are many instances where it says to understand why someone did a wrong action, and to illuminate them of their fault, but it never indicates the real world response to such wrongdoings, and I imagine that Aurelius would not have us simply telling murderers or other serious wrongdoers to change. I guess to sum up, the book focused on showing how to best handle the self, but it does not really cover how to act socially or politically, so I was just wondering if anyone had insights or more reading recommendations that would help me better understand those aspects of Stoicism.",">The wise man, therefore, being tranquil, and dealing candidly with mistakes, **not an enemy to but an improver of sinners,** will go abroad every day in the following frame of mind: -- ""Many men will meet me who are drunkards, lustful, ungrateful, greedy, and excited by the frenzy of ambition."" **He will view all these as benignly as a physician does his patients.** - Seneca, *On Anger* (Emphasis mine) And >When a man's ship leaks freely through its opened seams, does he become angry with the sailors or the ship itself? **No; instead of that, he tries to remedy it:** - Seneca, *On Anger* (Emphasis mine) Finally >More evil is done than can be healed by punishment: men seem engaged in a vast race of wickedness. (Take a guess...) The ""justice"" system as we know it is punitive in nature, that is, punish criminals. It's not about preventing crime or changing criminals, it's institutionalized retribution. To the Stoics, the virtuous reaction was to help change behavior, mainly through teaching and example. Never through anger, and only resorting to punishment when all other options had been truly tried and failed. But I get the feeling you're looking for a bit more than that. Next time you encounter something you consider wrong, try this. First, assume all of your initial reactions are wrong. If your first reaction is ""That person is racist"", start by assuming that person is not. Then, Steelman the other point of view, that is, make the best case possible in your mind for why a reasonable person would say or do whatever you object to. Don't fall for the Asymmetric Understanding trap, that is, assuming that your interpretation of the other point of view is better than that of the person who holds it. Don't try to change the other person's mind- you can't. You can offer your own thoughts, though, and do so in a supportive manner. The YouTube channel Charisma On Command has a lot of videos on how to do this- it's worth watching them.",The Social Aspects of Stoicism,,general_qa 367,Will someone explain the basics of stoicism to me like I'm 5? I'm still not quite sure what it's about.,"1. There are only two types of things: Those you can control and those you cannot. If something is under your control, rather than worrying about it, fix it and stop worrying. If something is out of your control, there's nothing to be done and worrying about it is irrational. 2. Do what's right in the moment, regardless of what *might* happen down the road (which you cannot control). Treat everyone with the respect they are due as a human being. 3. Don't get angry over the stupidity and ignorance of humankind. Rather, focus on your own character. Live and lead by example. Marcus Aurelius says, ""You can break your heart, but men will always continue as before."" 4. Peace of mind exists right here, right now, regardless of your circumstances, if only you can master your thoughts. 5. Remember that we are living a tragedy. A wise old woman once told me, ""Life is not beautiful. It's a bit difficult."" Prepare yourself for the absolute worst and you will discover that actually, your worst fears are endurable. So much of what makes us suffer is our insistence on a ""happily ever after"" and our constant labelling of our circumstances as ""good"" or ""bad."" Let go of these illusions and so much of your suffering will fall away. \[P.S. I have mastered none of this myself.\]",Will someone explain the basics of stoicism to me like I'm 5? I'm still not quite sure what it's about.,,general_qa 368,"""When I disagree with a rational man, I let reality be our final arbiter; if I am right, he will learn; if I am wrong, I will; one of us will win, but both will profit."" Chapter: This is John Galt Speaking ""Nobody stays here by faking reality in any manner whatever."" Chapter: The Utopia of Greed ""The man who had lost the capacity to feel? --thought Rearden, and knew that the austerity of the marble face was the form of a disciplined capacity to feel too deeply."" Chapter: The Moratorium on Brains I was reading Atlas Shrugged the other day and it just struck me that there might be certain points that mesh in with Stoicism. If you read through the book, there are plenty of times where it seems quite evident that the Protagonists are able to an extreme feel and care very deeply about things and yet think critically and rationally about it, without letting their emotions dictate how they think or act. For those who've read the book if my observations are incorrect, would love to understand why. (Just as a note, I'm not advocating objectivism as a whole or the running narrative of Atlas Shrugged, just mentioning a few points that seem to mesh in well to me)","They overlap in terms of a strong devotion to rationalism, and a skepticism of emotions. However they differ in conclusions greatly. Stoicism focuses on the social nature of humans while objectivism has been critiqued as being overly selfish and individual. The ideal stoic would be some kind of public servant who never is tempted by corruption and lives a humble life. The ideal objectivist would be some kind of business entrepreneur. The stoic says the only purpose in life is moral freedom and to pursue your nature as a social creature, while the objectivist says the only purpose is to pursue personal happiness. Though they may sound similar and would overlap someonewhat, the stoic would be fine engaging in behavior that might be detrimental for their own personal happiness if it achieves a nobel goal for the rest of society.",Objectivism and Stoicism?,,general_qa 369,"I started reading posts from this page (I don't know what the correct term to refer to this 'page' is; I think it's called a 'sub-reddit' but I'm not sure. I'm very new to using Reddit) and I read the stories of people who find themselves happier having practised the principles of Stoicism. I read those posts and answers and I think to myself ""This is actually what you've been looking for all your life"" and almost immediately, the next thought in my head is something negative either about the person who wrote the post or a response to a someone's question. For example, if someone says that they applied a particular Stoic principle to a relationship and they were able to resolve the dispute having applied said principle and that they're happy now, my mind would have me think things like ""They just think they've solved the problem. They think it's a permanent fix but it's temporary. And even they don't believe in the principle. They just think that they believe in it. It's never going to work."" Or if someone says that they've been eating better and exercising because of the belief that not wanting to do is an internal factor and thus in our control (which is true and I believe in), my first thought after thinking that I can amend my thoughts too is ""LOL. It's never going to work for them. It's going to last a couple of weeks and that's it. They'll give up too. But of course, they won't talk about it here. Don't believe what they wrote in a moment of euphoria"". My mind, thus, is fighting really hard, I think, to stop me from bettering myself. If anyone has any insight on this in terms of their own personal experience and how they overcame it or in general too, I'd appreciate it. Thanks.","Stoicism is not a panacea or a magic bullet to solve all your problems. But it's helped me for more than a decade. Stoicism is rational. You should indeed be skeptical of it. For one thing, there is also selection bias. Even if everyone on the subreddit says it's great, that's only a sample of people hanging around on a subreddit, there might be vastly more people who tried it and abandoned it. If you want to try it, set yourself a reasonable time to try it for, and evaluate it in particular after that time. For instance, you could keep a journal of your emotional state for a month, try practicing stoicism for a month, and at the end review the journal to see if it has improved your life. If it hasn't, post a warning here for others and move on with your life.",Negativity while Going Through this Page,,general_qa 370,"For some context, I learnt about Stoicism a while ago, after watching a Ryan Holiday video. So, I downloaded an app on my phone called ""Stoico"". After procrastinating on it for sooo long, I finally started reading it, but the problem I came across is the english. The old english is written in a way, that I lose my way through it, and sometimes even re-reading doesn't help. Reading ""Meditations - Marcus Aurelies"" right now, so I wanted to know of any sources with simpler english.",Einzelganger on YouTube - this channel got me interested in stoicism and has taught me so strategies for employing stoicism into my everyday life.,Good places to start learning about Stoicism easily,,general_qa 371,"I have been practising Stoicism for almost the entire month now, I stumbled upon it in a moment of darkness and it helped me with a very difficult faucet of life. A few months ago I confessed my feelings towards my best friend of many years, of course the feelings were not reciprocated so I took the answer as a chance to work on myself despite being deeply hurt by it but I never really let these emotions control me. After about a month we re-connected and things were good but the feelings were unfortunately still there, I by all means want to maintain the friendship and remain friends however its become increasingly difficult to control my emotions towards this person and accepting things they way they are especially since we spend a lot of time together in a friend group. I know I must accept things the way they are, I know I have to be rational and realistic about it. Had it not been for this painful rejection I may never have discovered stoicism as a whole or at least taken part in it. Yet I can't help but feel hurt by how things played out, we were once so close and reliant on one another and these days it feels like we are barely on the same level, without a doubt the situation has put us in a position where we are both somewhat close but distant from one another. I know I shouldn't rely on another person for happiness but it's difficult to cope with when two people who were once crucial parts of each others lives slowly drift away. I know that people come and go but it really just eats away at me and I am not sure how I should proceed. Is anyone here able to offer some insight from a stoic perspective or offer any advice/practice that could benefit me in this situation?","Thank you for your post. Firstly, you seem young. Congratulations on your introspection skills and willingness to questions your own attitude. In what way have you been 'practising Stoicism' over the past month, if I may ask? What do you even think Stoicism is? >Is anyone here able to offer some insight from a stoic perspective or offer any advice/practice that could benefit me in this situation? This philosophy does not propose specific choices or rules to follow. Therefore, I cannot give you advice on *what* to do in your (or any) situation. However, the ancient Stoics had a lot to say about emotions, choices, way of life and the value of life. The Stoic perspective/way of life might help people feel calm or even joyful and be able to accept the way things are, but that is only a side-effect. Which answer do you seek? How to be able to cope in this situation, where your passionate feelings can be burdensome? Or would you like to consider your options, e.g. keep seeing your friend or not? Now to answer your question and give you some food for thought. Some people might think this is harsh, but I do not at all. * Dichotomy of control. We can only 'control' our present choice: our present thought/judgement/intent/choice is attributable to us and everything else (also) depends on external factors. The realisation what we can and cannot control might help us accept what we cannot and help us focus our effort on what we *can* influence*.* * That being said. Can you control the feelings of others? Can you control other people's choices? Can you control how others feel about you? Even if you could, would you even desire that power?;) * We can learn, grow and mature through adversity. Things not going our way can help us become wiser people. It might help us understand the nature of the world better; help us understand the 'plight' of other people (and so develop 'sympathy'/'empathy'/'understanding'/'wisdom'). As such, 'external misfortune' is not deemed as genuine misfortune in general, partly because it is a learning opportunity. * ***(Not Stoicism) Specifically, 'unrequited love' is often the stuff of stories. I do not wish to tell you how to feel/think, but what do you think of the fact that you are increasing your experience in life to that 'worthy of story'? It is part of the 'genuine', 'authentic' human experience, no? Would you rather live a life that includes both its 'ups and downs' or one that is 'flat' and 'uninteresting'?*** * 'Virtue is the sole good'. This is the core Stoic idea. Technically, an ideal Stoic ultimately cares about his character: the pursuit of a beautiful character drives the Stoic. External matters cannot hinder or help the ideal Stoic in being virtuous. As such, relationship problems provide opportunity to try and be the best person one can be, as does every other situation. * As a suggestion (take this with a grain of salt): if it is relevant, try not to act on feelings of frustration or resentment. A 'good person' might try to be a 'good friend'. You cannot control what others do, but you can influence your own behaviour. Can this situation hinder you in trying to be a 'good friend' or a 'good person' in general? No need to talk yourself down:) What do you think? Best wishes:)",How do I move past from this?,,general_qa 372,"I know that money is neither good nor bad from the stoic perspective. But trying to study for a well paying job for the sake of money and luxuries? I have no idea what stoicism says about that. I want to study to become a psychotherapist because I like helping people and listening to their problems. But I could help people in many other jobs as well, but I chose theraphy in particular because it pays reeaaally well. I also chose that field because that money allows me to learn to invest and make even more money (I kinda see it as a game to be honest). Also, having a fancy car with massaging seats, head up displays etc. would be pretty fun. But most importantly, I know that money doesn't make me happy, but I can be happy by accepting reality as is and by being virtuous. But I do like feeling good and money certainly has the power to make me feel good. Money also gives me time that I can spend on further improving myself. What are your thoughts on this? I really don't know if this is good or bad.","Does it pay that well? I'm in psychology myself, the road to a psychotherapist is a long one and not very glamorous",Is it necessarily bad to actively chase money for hedonistic pleasures?,,general_qa 373,I don't really know a ton about what stoicism really is but I do know that a pretty big pillar of the philosophy is building discipline and self-control. I've done no fap on and off for the last year or so and (at least for me) it's been a huge test of self-control and I've built discipline because of it. So do any of you take NNN seriously at all? Most people take is as just a meme but I just wonder if you guys might take it a little more seriously.,If you're doing *anything* to such an excess that you feel you need to have an entire month dedicated to *not* doing that thing ... that seems a bit outside of the stoic field guide.,What are your thoughts on No Nut November?,,general_qa 374,"Prior to discovering and practicing Stoicism, I used to be a very emotional guy to the point where I would freely let any emotion consume me freely. Since then I've learned to control my feelings and put my head before my heart in most cases where I needed to. After online graduation was over though, I didn't feel much sadness or longing unlike my classmates and friends who were very open about their emotions and how they miss each other. I didn't feel even a fraction of sadness though, which got me a bit worried. Sure, it was a big step in my life, and I was moving to a college where most of my friends wouldn't be going to, but it didn't feel like it was something to get emotional over. Because of this, I felt alienated when it came to 'saying goodbyes' or posting past pictures. Overall, I don't feel sad at all, just a little worried that I might have missed out with key interactions with friends because I managed to brush it off so easily, maybe *too* easily. It's also not like I didn't have a large enough friend group to care about, since I was pretty close to more than half of my whole batch. Should a stoic be able to 'turn off' their philosophy and learn to empathize more with friends, even if they don't at all feel the same way? Or should I just let it be and mind my own business?","I think it's perfectly fine to not feel anything, I didn't either. High school is such a small portion of your life, when I graduated I was excited to see what was to come. I was happy, I felt like life as an adult was slowly starting. I still feel this way 2 years later, still excited to see what life will throw at me.",Not feeling sad over graduation. Should I?,,general_qa 375,"I was wondering where stoicism stands on issues of globalisation and nationalism. How is the stoic concept of cosmopolitanism similar to or different from globalisation? With the direction where the world is heading now (age of technology and information, liberalized politics), where does a modern day Epictetus, Marcus Aurelius, Seneca, and other great Stoic teachers stand in the globalisation-nationalism spectrum. If you have time to explain, I'd love to know your understanding about the stoic cosmopolitanism, and some bonus insights about globalisation would be nice too. - A philosophy beginner (So I am not really sure if my questions are valid)","You'll get different answers to this, because folks here hold different opinions about how to interpret the underlying ideas. I'll share how I see it, but I think the other views are just as valid, too. The ancient Stoics understood humans to be social animals, like bees. Most of us could not survive for long if we were fully isolated from others, and those that who could would be denied the ability to develop and experience some of their core qualities as human beings. To love, to be loved, to work together is our nature, it's how we thrive and survive and it's what we are made for. If we are made to be sociable, to get along, to inter-depend, and if our physical survival depends upon the survival of the group as a whole, then both reason and human nature strongly recommend being a good member of the group, and caring about the welfare of the group. It's not a duty that obligates us, it's just the sensible reality of what sort of creatures we are. Taking this a step further, if we recognize this as a human quality, rather than, say, as a Greek quality or a Roman quality, then it makes sense that these same concerns would cross tribal and national lines. We are, fundamentally, human first, citizens of the world, of the human race. Discord between groups is as irrational as discord within groups. This makes great sense as theory, but it does face the complication of the rather brutal realities of conflict that were an everyday feature of the ancient world. Socrates himself was a soldier, and Marcus spent most of his reign leading armies in the field. Seneca lived among the knives that played in the shadows of the political world, eventually dying on his own. Epictetus was first a slave, and then an exile. There was a big difference between the utopia that society could eventually become, and the realities of what it then was. (I'll add the the Stoic conception of nature often refers to the ultimate form of a thing, rather than its current form. The nature of an acorn is an oak tree, the nature of a puppy is a dog. The nature of a society is utopia. When we talk about 'nature' in this context, it's important to keep that aspect of it in mind). The Stoics also understood that the external expression of virtue will change from time to time and place to place; a virtuous Syrian will follow different rules in the conduct of his life than a virtuous Egyptian or a virtuous Persian. Local culture and custom, as well as individual nature, allow for such differences. This is why we can look back now on their slave-holding and see that this was not a hypocrisy, just a difference. No one culture, theirs or ours, gets the final say in the outward conduct of life. This is another key element of the cosmopolitan ideal. As for nationalism, sometimes we fight with one another, and sometimes it is proper and necessary to do so. In a more perfect world, where we all shared the same core understanding of things, it would be different, and perhaps it is meant to be different, and perhaps it is our nature to grow into this ideal. But in the meantime, we follow in what life demands of us. I'm not sure what, exactly, you mean by globalism.",Stoicism and Cosmopolitanism on Globalisation,,general_qa 376,"I have been practicing stoicism for about a year now, and I have been wondering what is the stoics stance on modesty? When is a good time to accept others kindness vs being modest? Should we be quick to accept anothers kindness, or hold back?","Every help come with cost. Not financial, usually, but if you get favor, you ""owe"" a favor. Normally, the closer are friends, les precise is this favor counting. Still, some reciprocity is needed for balanced relationship. In moderation this is natural way how to create friends. But if you are too eager to receive help, you may end tangled with people you not really want to.","Trouble accepting help, kindness from others",,general_qa 377,"Hello fellow stoics! Been interested in stoicism on and off the past year now and have a question for the more experienced stoics. As a recent graduate, I've been feeling extremely lost and unmotivated about life in terms of the job I want to do and the direction I want my life to go in which has led me to think such negative thoughts that have been festering for the past year to the point that I just can't seem to not be negative about life. I'm stuck in a job that I don't want to do and I have no social life, the only good thing in my life is my girlfriend. I guess my question is has anyone been through a similar situation and has stoicism helped them get through the rut in life? Is there any particular quotes that have resonated with you in these dark times? Thanks in advance for any replies","Life is a struggle my friend. I'd say every person in this room has hit this same spot where you are at some point. Especially those first few post university years where you are still figuring things out. You feel rudderless and tossed about by the winds and sea. So how do you fix it? Here is what I would suggest: **1: Consciously work on changing your attitude.** One of the basic pillars of Stoicism is learning what [you can and cannot control.](https://dailystoic.com/control-and-choice/) (Check the link for a good article on this) *The chief task in life is simply this: to identify and separate matters so that I can say clearly to myself which are externals not under my control, and which have to do with the choices I actually control. Where then do I look for good and evil? Not to uncontrollable externals, but within myself to the choices that are my own . . .* --[Epictetus](http://dailystoic.com/Epictetus), *Discourses*, 2.5.4-5 Clearly, there are a lot of external forces in your life and not all of them are acting in your favor. So you need to ask yourself the question and I would advise doing a journal entry of this reflection; ""What can I truly control?"" Once you've answered this work on the things you can control. (i.e. your attitude) You may not be able to control certain things about your job but you can control how you react to them. [I love Jocko Willink's G.O.O.D. philosophy.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IdTMDpizis8) No matter what bad things happen in life, there is always good to be found in it if you look. Change your attitude first and other things will follow. **2. Workplace Chess** A career is a chess game. Moves, counter moves and time. It's extremely rare to walk out of uni into the job you want. That's reality. Everyone starts at the bottom and work their way up. If you are in a job in the industry you want to be in and this job is a step in that direction then you are where you need to be. So what do you do here? Master the job you have. Excel at it. Become an authority on what you do. When you are the guy that people can come to for answers and to get things done people notice and supervisors will say if he can do that here I bet he could do that in X position where we need help. This will not happen overnight. But if you put in the work it will come back to you. If you are not in a job that gets you towards where you want to be, then find a job that is. If you do have to switch jobs you will probably have to give up some things. You might have to move to somewhere more conducive to what you want to do. You might take a bit of a pay cut or have to work more hours, etc. If you truly want the job you say you do then you will have to be willing to sacrifice to get it. Once you get that job, then see above with what to do when you get there. **3. General tips** I'm not going to lie, this is going to be tough. But, it's a fight worth fighting. *Life is hard, get a helmet* a friend of mine used to say. While humorous it is true. In your off time study stoicism to help maintain a center balance and keep your attitude in check. Do reflections, journal and most importantly, keep your eye on the goal. On days you don't feel like getting up because you just can't do it, remember Marcus who had to remind himself; *At dawn, when you have trouble getting out of bed, tell yourself: ""I have to go to work -- as a human being. What do I have to complain of, if I'm going to do what I was born for -- the things I was brought into the world to do? Or is this what I was created for? To huddle under the blankets and stay warm?""* *So you were born to feel ""nice""? Instead of doing things and experiencing them? Don't you see the plants, the birds, the ants and spiders and bees going about their individual tasks, putting the world in order, as best they can? And you're not willing to do your job as a human being? Why aren't you running to do what your nature demands?* *You don't love yourself enough. Or you'd love your nature too, and what it demands of you...* --Marcus Aurelius, Meditations Book 5:1-2 If you know when you go into work your going to have to deal with difficult people Marcus has a good one for that too: *When you wake up in the morning, tell yourself: the people I deal with today will be meddling, ungrateful, arrogant, dishonest, jealous and surly. They are like this because they can't tell good from evil. But I have seen the beauty of good, and the ugliness of evil, and have recognized that the wrongdoer has a nature related to my own - not of the same blood and birth, but the same mind, and possessing a share of the divine. And so none of them can hurt me. No one can implicate me in ugliness. Nor can I feel angry at my relative, or hate him. We were born to work together like feet, hands and eyes, like the two rows of teeth, upper and lower. To obstruct each other is unnatural. To feel anger at someone, to turn your back on him: these are unnatural.* --Marcus Aurelius, Meditations Book 2:1 These are but a few Stoic nuggets to help you on your way. There are many, many more. Study Stoicism, keep your attitude in check, keep your eyes on the prize and put in the work. Don't long for the ""better days ahead"". Make these days your best days. I hope all this helps you. You are welcome to PM me if you feel I can assist you further.","Feeling lost, useless and unmotivated in life",,general_qa 378,"Stoicism often gives this ""yeah, life's hard, get over it"" vibe. My friend had her drivers license test and she was soo stressed about it. All of her friends just told her that it'll go great, there's nothing to stress about etc. But I don't think it was helpful. So I told her that it will probably be unpleasant, but it will go fine if she practises beforehand (""all you can do is practise, the rest is not worth being stressed about"") etc. I hate sugar coating reality so I often sound pretty cold, but my advice is usually the one that actually provides something. Is there like a middle ground where I could stay realistic, but also to keep that ""life's hard, get over it"" vibe away?","> Is there like a middle ground where I could stay realistic, but also to keep that ""life's hard, get over it"" vibe away? Perhaps you can temper it to more of an ""it's OK, it's just life"" vibe. After all, in the Stoic view, life isn't hard - it's only hard if we believe it to be hard. A driver's test is, in reality, no different that brushing our teeth in the morning. It's a thing that's proper for us to do at that moment, a sequence of actions, and what happens happens. It's less of a suck-it-up vibe, and more of an it's-OK vibe.",How could I help my friends with stoicism without feeling cold?,,general_qa 379,"As I learn more and more about stoicism, I believe that I have been following this philosophy for the greater part of my life and even as a kid. I am a big picture guy. I have never thought any one event is greatly important in the grand scheme of things even if others around find it Earth shattering.(ie: death in the family, politics, etc) Anyway, to the root of this post, what is the core literature I should read to expand my understanding of this philosophy?","http://www.reddit.com/r/Stoicism/wiki/faq#wiki_what_are_some_recommended_starting_points_for_newcomers_to_stoicism.3F Suggested Readings","Long time practitioner, new follower",,general_qa 380,"Noob here. Penpal is into stoicism so I thought I'd check it out. How does a stoic deal with PTSD? A lot of PTSD is avoidance of panic and anxiety due to X. PTSD often leads to agoraphobia or a limited life. Most therapy is about re-experiencing the trauma or the places that cause panic and anxiety. There's a push from society toward the person with PTSD to get better. To try to improve. To not give up. Not everyone can get better. Let's assume the person with PTSD has talked to their deathbed self and deathbed self reminds the person that s/he tried for decades to get better. Questions: 1. Would the stoic ""give up"" and simply say this is my life and I accept it as it is. I will try to find the joy in the things that I can. 2. Would the stoic re-experience trauma to learn how to stoically react to it? 3. Both? I ask this because PTSD is quite different than the usual vagaries of life. The brain has been rewired. Stoicism (like cognitive behavioral therapy) seems to aim to rewire the brain in a way, rewire the response. But generally, that response is to an outside force -- a person reacting to a death of another, a flat tire, or even cancer. With PTSD it's brain vs brain. Hope this makes sense. Hope this isn't a stupid question.","Welcome, and it's a great question. Here's my favorite paragraph from [our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/Stoicism/wiki/faq): >Stoicism is a philosophy of life, a practical guide to applying wisdom to your daily choices, focused on living life as a thriving rational being, characterized by excellence in judgement and the fulfilled happiness that is to the mind what robust healthy fitness is to the body. **Stoics believe that, just as physical pain is caused by illness and injury to the body, human distress is caused (at least in part, and according to orthodox Stoicism, entirely) by mistaken judgments and incorrect beliefs, particularly about good and bad.** To completely correct these judgements and correct these beliefs is a difficult task, perhaps effectively impossible, but Stoic study, practice, and exercises aim at least to improve those of the Stoics who practice them. False judgements are the enemy here. With that in mind, there are a class of beliefs which are perfectly true, for just as long as they are believed. ""I'm terrible at learning new languages"". ""I could never eat sushi"". So long as we hold these beliefs, they are true beliefs, genuine and real. Everything we experience will only confirm their truthfulness. And the moment we stop believing them, they cease to to be true. If you believe you can't get better, that's as true as god's own word, and you can take it to the bank. And everything you've read, everything you know, and every minute of your experience will genuinely confirm that. It's not like you are deluding yourself or anything. It's true! It really is. So, in the Stoic view, that's the chain that's holding you. If you fully believe that further recovery is impossible, then further recovery is impossible. If there's a part of you that maybe things a little recovery can happen, and that it would be nice? That's awesome. Roll with that and see. The FAQ is a good place to start, and there's a huge list of suggested readings for new folks at the bottom.",PTSD and stoicism,,general_qa 381,"I just found out that I had podcast on Apple so I searched for stoicism and was very overwhelmed with all the different podcasts! Thanks!","Not specifically about Stoicism, but Jocko Podcast applies a lot of stoic principles.",There are a bunch of podcasts about stoicism on Apple Podcast. Which one would you recommend for a person new to the philosophy? Doesn't have to be on Apple either.,,general_qa 382,"I'm kind of annoyed by the total number of people coming up to me to complain about their general problems. One of my friends, constantly complains about her work and when I suggest changes or even as stoicism suggests, change her mindset or environment (she has that ability to switch jobs) she says she has considered that and even plans to do that *in the future*, but ultimately rejects it. But even when I share with her methods to calm her anxiety, she supersedes it by saying she is that way, and she knows what to do, but her anxiety overtakes it and overall, doesn't want to change. The aftermath of it is I see her take it out on other people like servers and waiters in restaurants when we meet up. The thing is that she was very passive aggressive before and now she is ""standing up"" for herself in work and outside. In the past few months we've met, I'm getting more and more turned off to the point that I'd rather not talk to her. However, we've been friends for more than 10 years, so as difficult as it is, I've been initially considering less contact. But that seems a little harsh as I understand that sometimes people need to vent and that has always been our way (even me back then), but I've found out different ways to manage my stress without resorting to complaining to others but more of how I approach the situation. Any advice is much appreciated! Thanks for reading!","You cannot control whether or not people complain. People, without exception, complain. Life is willing and suffering, we suffer and we complain about it. I do it, your friend does it, you're doing it here. If it's getting to the point where you dont even want to talk with her, then you need to do one of two things. One is to cut her out. If she contacts you, be polite, otherwise, you dont contact her. Things dissolve and fade away. Seems easy now but might be complicated in the long run. Loose ends often annoy. They may try to come back into your life, or you may come to regret cutting things off. It often feels a little shady. The other option is to basically tell her what's in this post. Anchor the conversation in your interest in her well-being, point out the poor behavior towards servers and waiters etc. that bothers you, make it clear that you're worried about her and want to help. Be honest. This is hard to do in the moment, but it will not leave any loose ends. If your friend is really your friend, or if you really do need to get away from her, will become clear through direct confrontation like this.",How do you handle complaining from others? (Aka friends),,general_qa 383,"What does it mean to be a good citizen in 2020? You almost never hear the word citizen used today, yet it is what binds us all together. How is it that we all value stoicism so much yet it seems most posts are about using stoicism internally rather than about being a good citizen externally?","It's kinda hard to approach the subject without participating in the political polarization that pervades social discourse. A few wrong moves and it can derail into a shitstorm. However I can safely assume most people identifying as stoics have concerns with their social sphere and do what they can to participate in it, be they conservatives or liberals or independents. They just wouldn't be too vocal about it for the first reasons I mentioned.","What does it mean to be a good citizen in 2020? You almost never hear the word citizen used today, yet it is what binds us all together. How is it that we all value stoicism so much yet it seems most posts are about using stoicism internally rather than about being a good citizen externally?",,general_qa 384,"Hi, I would expect that most of us are familiar with Abraham Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. Here is a nice article if not: [http://webspace.ship.edu/cgboer/maslow.html](http://webspace.ship.edu/cgboer/maslow.html) The pyramid suggests that we have basic needs of food, water, and security and then psychological needs for belongingness and esteem. Maslow categorized these needs as ""D-Needs"". If we didn't have these things, we would feel their deficiency. The apex and fifth layer of the traditional pyramid says that after our D-Needs are mostly satisfied, then we strive for self-actualization. Once you start to ""feed"" self-actualization, once you start to realize it, then the more that you crave it. The idea of self-actualization is that, ""What a man can be, he must be."" In my view, Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs is directionally accurate. Meaning, he's mostly right. That's mostly the order that most people experience life, making exceptions that people in their individual life's can jump around the layers to an extent. Which then leads to Stoicism. Stoicism is appealing because it provides a logical framework to address life. I am going to extremely simplify it. 1. What is your ultimate purpose? Harmony with nature, pursuit of virtue/excellence/arete, etc. 2. Is your passion or desire in line with your purpose? We exercise control of our passions. 3. Are your thoughts, beliefs, and value judgments virtuous or vicious? You apply this framework systematically across your life, meditating on what is virtuous and motivating yourself towards virtuous action. How can I be a better husband, father, co worker, and citizen of the cosmos? While in theory your action towards being a better citizen of the cosmos may lead to self-actualization, I am not sure that Stoicism really embraces that concept. In other words, Stoicism is about being content with regards to your ""D-Needs"", as Maslow says, but not specifically about self-actualization. What about those passions that lead to self-actualization that are virtuous but out of your control? True entrepreneurs have a driving passion to create a business despite many of the factors for success being almost completely out of their control. People have a drive to lead, manage and coach others, not out of a sense of ego or pride, but because they truly have that ""calling"" within themselves to help better other people. People have ""callings"" towards serving country or being a police officer. Are these passions that should be controlled? Are these not healthy drives towards self-actualization? Has anyone found a combination of Stoicism to satisfy your ""D-Needs"" and something else to help define our need for self-actualization? Or how has Stoicism helped you self-actualize? I appreciate your thoughts.","You define self-actualization as "" What a man can be, he must be. "" The stoic says that what a man can be is a rationally thinking agent. He must not be this necessarily because he has been given a choice. If a man chooses to live his life as a rationally thinking agent this would be self-actualization for the stoic. You ask about those passions that lead to self-actualization. The stoics have a very specific definition for passion. Passion is those emotions that hinder us from thinking rationally. So according to the stoics Passions do not lead to ""self-actualization"" but would actually lead away from it. You describe a true entrepreneur as someone who is living without eudimonia. A stoic entrepreneur can have the same success and failure as your true entrepreneur but they're happiness, flourishing, well-being, would be the result of living a virtuous life, ie a life of rational thinking, and not dependent on their success or failure in their business.",Is there another piece to the equation? Stoicism doesn't seem to lead to self-actualization.,,general_qa 385,"I have been trying to self improve and read up on stoicism for the last past 3 months. Im at the moment in a college education im super unsure about but i still try to do every assignment to the best of my abilites i dont want to just give up that is not a good habit to have i will try my best its all i can do. Anyway at this moment i am having the hardest written assignment i have ever done i have spent so much time and energy on this and today we compared our text with other students i hate that shitt i dont like comparing myself to others its not very stoic to do that. And yes my text was not very good and that makes me feel like a failure like i tried so hard but still its not enough how should i think at this moment is it even okay to fail? I have never ever been good at written exams but i still try my best. The problem is not writting its the specific system you have to write in and to be honest i suck at this i cant stand it i almost feel like it hinders creativity but to be honest that is university 101 hinder creativity and self growth just study for this piece of papper that said you studied i dont enjoy this system at all! And i know at this moment i dont sound very stoic but a transformation takes time and at this moment i just feel really angry and exhausted.","There are only two kinds of problems in this world; practical problems (passing a test which you find hard to do) and emotional problems (feeling angry and irritated). The emotional problem is always self-inflicted and will hinder you in solving the practical problem; it eclipses your reasoning skills and steals a lot of energy from you (you mention feeling exhausted). The only way to solve them is to find out what thoughts are causing the emotions, and to see if the underlying (often unconscious) beliefs are true or reasonable. You mention trying very hard but the result not being what you want. I think consciously you understand that the outcome is not under your control, only your intentions are. Arguing with reality is therefore never reasonable, it is at the root of all our emotional problems. To harden this side of the argument; outcome is also not what we value when we look at other people, we admire someone for trying, not for succeeding; like Cato for trying to preserve the Republic, if someone else succeeded in preserving the Republic by accident (without intentions) we wouldn't admire him. In addition, you mention having problems with the school system, which is a practical problem, but will also hinder you when you make it an emotional problem. You may decide to discontinue your study, but do so clear-headed, for the right reasons and be honest to yourself and others. I wish you well :) Some guy on the internet",What does Stoicism say about trying your absolutely best but still failing?,,general_qa 386,"I'm looking to learn more about stoicism and I've heard that Meditations is quite a prominent book in this school of thought. However, I have no idea which translation to buy. If anyone could guide me in the right direction then that would be brilliant. Thanks in advance.","https://www.amazon.com/Meditations-New-Translation-Marcus-Aurelius/dp/0812968255 This is the one I own, it was recommended as a very good translation. It's actually in modern English. Effortless to understand.",What is the best English translation for Meditations by Marcus Aurelius?,,general_qa 387," Lately, I really feel like I'm getting grayed into my everyday life. I do my usual things (work, work out, housework, having fun with friends when we all have free time, I even tried out yoga recently). But the whole thing is starting to converge a lot and I feel like things aren't going anywhere. And I'm starting to feel very apathetic. I'll get my tasks done and the week will start again. I am starting to lose interest in almost everything and I feel that as these gray weeks go by, nihilism and apathy swallow me. A little more insight into my life. I am a 24-year-old man and I live in a small town in the southern part of Hungary (Central Europe). I have a lot of friends, but many of them have moved far away from me, mainly to Budapest (our capital city). I don't keep in touch with my local friends anymore because we had a harsher argument and the atmosphere between us has been quite tense ever since. Luckily, I can go have fun with my former college friends. Getting new friends is quite hard for me because I'm really introverted, although my friends like me a lot for my wholesome and caring personality. I work for an NGO where we help poor people and minorities. Unfortunately, our leadership can be quite corrupt sometimes and they are more interested in money than helping the poor and those who really need support (I never liked that). A half year went by when i was hired after my graduation from university. I have been working for this NGO for a year today. I earn relatively well in our region and my job provides financial support to get a car and a driving license which a lot of people envy here. Even if I'm not rich or famous, I've never cared about these things. I still consider myself lucky. My relationships were often quite unbalanced. I am currently flirting with one of my new colleagues (she's just got hired about a month ago). I have to say that this relationship is also quite unbalanced and I don't think any of us think this too seriously (at least in this early stage of our relationship), plus we're very different. I like the chick, but I wouldn't care if she hook up with someone else, because I think I have quite a few options for women, even if I can be very shy. As I am an introvert, it's easy to say that dating has never gone too well for me. Overall, I feel very emotionless. And compared to how ambitious I used to be, I now feel many times that nothing makes any sense. For example, why should I do good things for society, for my community when many people are exploiting people and they will have no problem with it. I used to say that life has no universal, exact meaning, and we choose our lives meaning. But now I just don't feel like my life (or anyone else's life) has any meaning at all. Or if there is, then I don't know what it is. I got lost somewhere on my chosen path and now I don't know where I am and where I should go. Don't get me wrong, I'm not depressed, I don't want to end my life, I just curious what you as outsiders think of my life, in a stoic way of course. I think that in such a subreddit as this, where there are so many diverse people of common interest, I can certainly have interesting conversations, or maybe even get some directions on my way. Stoicism is a very helpful way of thinking which helped me through my life quite sometimes. TLDR: What do you think about apathy and what do you advise to people who feel the emptiness in themselves.",You may need some goals and hobbies man. New experiences in general.,What o you think about apathy and emptiness? Whats your advise?,,general_qa 388,"Hi I have a question What does stocism say about selflessness? Sacrificing yourself for the good of others was something I did a lot last year and it got me into a depressive state. I felt like my purpose was the help people no matter what. So this year I started taking more care of myself and focused more on myself and Ive been happier. Soon after all that I found stoicism (I'm new to this stuff so please bare with me) and its still unclear to me wether to be more selfless or more selfish in stoicism. I will hear that stoics focus on themselves, but also they help the community. Any answer will be appreciated.","People who ""sacrifice"" until they're depressed are rarely being truly ""selfless"". Mindlessly giving more and more of yourself until there's nothing less is usually indicative of some form of co-dependency, and whilst this may *look* like selflessness it's really driven from a much more selfish place. The reason such ""selflessness"" tends to terminate in depression is because the person giving themselves is really looking for some kind of external validation, or at least some external *something* in other people, and because this is not possible and positive mental states can only come from within, their approach eventually collapses and if they don't say ""perhaps my approach was wrong"" they rapidly fall into a depression, for the only approach they care to adopt has failed to make them happy.",Selflessness in stoicism,,general_qa 389,"I've been practicing Stoicism for a few months now. And studying the philosophy. I've made I'd think good progress on negative visualisation and view from above exercises. I've been failing a lot too tho, giving in to rushes of passions a lot as the most important one but it's a slow work and I'm very slowly improving. My problem really is with accepting the very real possibility / reality? that I might remain alone forever. I know that not everyone finds a romantic partner. I know some do and it's not timeless. But it's seems I just won't. It's not within my control, I am trying to focus on what's within my control, but I don't control the results. I mean meditating on my own death is easier than meditating on remaining alone. I also feel like the more aware I am of the reality that life could end anytime and it will inevitably sometime makes my struggling with being alone worse because I realize, I don't have an eternity to figure out if I can do something about, if there is something I can and should fix. It makes me realise time is running and chances are decreasing. Sharing life with a romantic partner feels to me as one of the most fundamental and natural aspect of our species. Of what we are and yet it seems I'm barred from participating. (Maybe I should add there is no obvious reason as to why that would be the case, at least that I'm aware.. ) It doesn't help that of course being barred from this also makes unable to participate in another of our species most fundamental activity, having children and parenting. This is something I've struggled with a lot when I was 19/20 it was a bit better then, but it's back now (I'm 26) and it seems the years go by and yet alone I remain, and the possibility of that changing reduces... I'd be grateful for any insight that might help me point towards a way to not let that affect me so much anymore. Any exercise or readings recommendation is welcome too. I thank you for reading until here and am grateful for any help. Please be forgiving with any mistakes, I'm not a native English speaker.","Reading through your question, you seem to be resigned to the fact you will be romantically alone forever rather than considering it as just ONE of the possible outcomes of your life. I would suggest you refrain from practising premeditatio malorum as it might lead you to obsess over your situation instead of solving it: premeditatio malorum is a somewhat ""advanced technique"" that requires a lot of emotional distancing, which is something very difficult to achieve in general and especially when you have just started practising Stoicism. Instead, try the ""view from above"" exercise which can give you a better prospective of what you are dealing with and helps you realize what may be lying behind your thoughts. Remember that a romantic relationship is a very preferred indifferent, but an indifferent nevertheless. However, don't try to use Stoicism to suppress your emotions, but rather use it to deal with them. Don't think there are no other possibilities for you other than being alone: actually, there is a WIDE spectrum of possibilities to explore out there, but if you run away you will never seize them. Being a Stoic means being courageous, rational and responsible in your own life while preventing fear from taking control of your mind.",Accepting being alone romantically possibly forever.,,general_qa 390,"I am a seventeen year old male, i recently stumbled upon a video on youtube about stoicism. Learning about the overview of stoicism, I am now interested to go deeper. So what books would you recommend to someone who is new to stoicism?",Check out the FAQ here: http://www.reddit.com/r/Stoicism/wiki/faq,What books about stoicism should I start with?,,general_qa 391,"Hey I'm a high school senior and I've indulged and fully point stoicism towards my life. I've gotten calmer about situations and realized that life is a blessing itself. I love living in the moment everyday. However I want to become even greater and use my new gained philosophy to set a good foundation for a career in software engineering and fully living a blessed life financially , mentally and spiritually? What can I do now to make sure I will be great in the future?",This guy nailed it. Just prepare yourself for lots of growth.,How can I be a better individual all around and prepare myself for life?,,general_qa 392,"Hello Stoics and those interested in Stoicism, I am a Year 12 student currently doing an essay on Stoicism in regards to victimhood. Does anyone have anything they wish to add or comment about on this topic that they believe would be useful for my assignment? Some of these things could include comments on what they believe certain philosopher's views would be on victimhood from the POV of a Stoic or how they should handle things such as sexual assault. Should they play the victim or should they just move on and forget about it? Is there any point in playing the victim? Anything helps! Even your own views on the topic will be interesting. Thanks! A senior studying Stoicism","Stoics are all about keeping their beliefs in line with reality, and dealing with that reality as their best selves. Part of that reality, for a Stoic, is that nobody can injure our core selves. Our bodies can be harmed, but our inner selves belong to us. We are only injured if we believe we are injured.",Stoicism and Victimhood,,general_qa 393,"More of a meta commentary ig In my time exploring stoicism, I find that a lot of stoic values also line up with masculine values. I'm curious as to if this effects who does and doesn't follow stoicism. It also seems to me that in the past, and possibly present stoicism has had more of an effect of men as well. What I'm curious about is if this is still true today? Are there a disproportionate amount of male stoics to female stoics? And if so is that ok? Or probably better put, if there is a disproportionate amount then what can we do to make communities such as this one more appealing to women if we should at all? Looking forward to responses"," When asked about modern people who seem to embody the characteristics of Stoicism, my go-to answer is Mr Rogers, or at least the public persona of Mr Rogers. He does not seem terribly masculine, but he is unflappable, unfailingly reasonable, nonjudgmental, genuine, openhearted, and virtuous in every respect. It's easy for me to imagine even a very feminine person embodying these same traits. The mods did a user survey a while back, and something like 10% of our subscribers self-reported as female. I think this is because most people simply don't know what Stoicism is all about, and the most commonly-held misconceptions of Stoicism cast it in a masculine light. It's only natural that it would seem more attractive to curious men.",Stoicism and Masculinity,,general_qa 394,"I discovered stoicism through ryan holidays. But stoicism taught me to question your reasoning, wich means I can't just take ryan holidays as my only source of info. He is really a great person and one of the best modern day writer. But I feel like even him is not the perfect stoic Idol I need to know where you get your information? Any other writers you know? What I like about ryan is the daily stoic emails and podcasts he send to the people for free ( pay extra if you want more ) I thank him for introducing the basics of stoicism now I am ready to go more in details!",https://www.reddit.com/r/Stoicism/wiki/faq#wiki_what_are_some_recommended_starting_points_for_newcomers_to_stoicism.3F,Your daily dose of stoicism,,general_qa 395,"we know that wars in ancient Rome weren't a rare thing at all, and even Marcus Aurelius conducted wars, but Stoicism says that people have the same minds, they are like eyes, feet and hands, working against each other is unnatural. what do you tgink about it? I'm not only talking about ancient wars, rather wars as a concept.","take middle asia for example, they do not share stoic ideas, and often are prone to wars to show their value. a Stoic country still would have to join that war because if it doesn't it will lose its territories and economy, even if that goes against stoicism itself, it's like there is a danger and we must survive, often going past our values, for example, in modern day society, killing is a crime, but not in war time, it's like they don't consider a man a man anymore, but that man has been killed anyways, could it be me or a soldier. that's what I was trying to bring up in the post.",Stoicism and war,,general_qa 396,"Like back when I was a Christian, I would use [openbible.info](https://openbible.info) to look up what the Bible says about certain things. It works by the user simply typing in a topic and it will bring up relevant Bible quotes to it. Is there a similar resource available for Stoicism, like a website in which you can type in topics and find quotes about them from the Enchiridion or the Meditations or the writings of Seneca for example?","I use this site frequently when I want to look something in the Stoic sources: https://www.stoictherapy.com/elibrary It doesn't have that kind of search engine but just a word search suffices sometimes. It's OK if it takes a bit of elbow grease to learn something.",Is there a resource available for looking up quotes on specific situation from the stoic texts?,,general_qa 397,"We had problems with my wife, we were arguing almost every day. We started to go to a therapist and with his advice, we separated our homes. I was living for 3 days at the other home and 4 days with my wife and daughter. We were about to divorce. None of those is an excuse for my behavior of having an affair but I had after separating the homes. After meeting with stoicism 2 years ago I started to cure myself and tried to become a better person. I moved back home, started to be less angry, ended my affair, stopped drinking alcohol, started meditating. I tried to recover my marriage and actually it was working but as Seneca told: ""The first and greatest punishment of the sinner is the conscience of sin."". So I decided to tell my wife that I cheated her but I've changed and will never do the things I did ever again. This really broke her heart and she told that she wants to divorce and she is right to do this. I am not sure if I did the right thing by telling her the truth or should I have kept it to save my marriage? What to do when you did things that really harm you and others in your past?","Consider your past and find where your responsibility starts and ends, then have the courage to shoulder that without avoidance. Through this process it will be tempting to ruminate, or self flagelate but avoid this trap as it only does more harm. The damage is done, and you dont have the power to change your past actions so you have to accept that and view your past with that acceptance as this will lead to more learning, and growth. Ruminating will stifle your growth as it's a way to avoid action by living in a past you cant change. Today is a new day and every action you take is a testament to your character, so now that you are trying to do better make sure your actions align with that. You know you fucked up. Everyone fucks up. Your daughter will fuck up too, and it's your job as dad to figure out how to deal with a fuckup so you can lead your daughter through her fuck ups. Teach her by example how a good person moves forward and strives for virtue and wisdom in the face of adversity. At least, that's how I see it.",What to do when you did things that really harm you and others in your past?,,general_qa 398,"I've been practicing & reading about Stoicism for the past year, which has really changed my life. I've read a lot from the ""big three"" (Epictetus, Seneca, & Aurelius). I was wondering if there were any philosophers/works that came later, such as medieval times? I've been reading Montaigne's Essays and noticed a great stoic influence and now i'm hungry for more",https://www.reddit.com/r/Stoicism/comments/cbo2uk/definitive_list_of_stoic_sources/,Stoic philosophy and texts after the Hellenistic age?,,general_qa 399,"So recently I've noticed one thing, maybe it's because of my age group that people act like this ( early 20s), that whenever a mutual friend isn't present people start slandering him/her, it might not be malevolent and just banter but still obviously very unstoic, and as people trying to embrace stoicism we should rise above right? I find myself joining the slandering by contributing jokes even though I know I shouldn't, I feel the concept of "" group think"" applies here, everyone making jokes about someone who isn't there, I try to divert by saying "" yeah but he's a nice guy"", people say "" yeah ofcourse"" and then begin their jokes again, and I find myself contributing, a friend of mine said everyone does this and it's human but for sure this has to be avoided right? It would be so classy to be able to not indulge in these acts which are being performed by others who know not better. What advice do you have for me and for this situation? Surely it's not okay to do this? How can I stay strong and have control over myself in these situations?","In my life, a true friend will give you shit/bust your balls to your face. When people talk shit behind someone else's back, it's time to find new friends.",How to overcome visceral urges?,,general_qa 400,"I've been reading alot recently about stoicism and tried a negative visualization exercise yesterday, but have a few questions on how exactly to go about it. 1. Should I think about multiple things in one session or really focus in on one thing? 2. How often should I do it, is it too much to do it daily? 3. How exactly should I think about things, should I focus on how I would feel or more on what I would lose in a negative outcome? Any tips would be appreciated just want to get the most out of the practice.","The point of negative visualization is to get to the feeling of gratitude, we do this by using the comparing mind, so we visualize something bad and then switch to gratitude for what we have So a classic visualization is to imagine being blind and then opening your eyes and being grateful for sight, the point is to touch on being blind not to linger on the experience. You linger in the joy of sight, hope this helps.",Negative Visualisation,,general_qa 401,"I've been learning about stoicism for a few years now and I like the philosophy. I'm certain it has helped me to an extent, but when shit hits the fan, I find it almost impossible to behave as I'd like to. Let's take worrying for example. Say that I've screwed up at work and there's a board meeting about my future, whether I'm being let go or not. I've done the afterwork already: apologized, explained etc. There's nothing for me to do anymore. I know worrying won't help me. I know it's not in my hands anymore. I know that it's not the end of the world and that I'm nothing but a spec of dust and a blink of an eye in history. I agree with all that and it's the advice I pass on to friends and family when they worry about something. But I still worry. I'm anxious as hell in a situation like that. I just can't help it. No matter of logic makes me cool as a cucumber here. Smaller challenges is life I'm usually fine with (possibly with the help of stoicism), and I don't think I'm out of the ordinary in terms of my worrying. Most of my friends agree that the example of possibly losing one's job is something that would worry them too. I just wonder if some of you are able to stay calm in real, shit hits the fan, situations too. For me it's easy in theory, but so much harder in practice.","I success at everything except bravery. I'm often driven by fears and worries. (To an irrational extend to spit the truth.) I can make decisions against my personal benefit, I can confidently claim to not follow any materialistic needs, I regard justice as a duty, but I fail at accepting physical and especially mental suffering. Something inside of me always wants to keep fighting, even when I know that there is absolutely no way of changing the situation. I'm free, I'm just, I'm helpful, but I'm a wimp.",Does anyone else struggle with applying stoicism in practice?,,general_qa 402,"Hey, guys. I recently became an atheist and have been going through an absolute nightmare of existential crisis. I used to have dreams and ambitions of wanting to be successful, rich and make the world a better place for the future generations. Now, I think that even if I become rich, I'll eventually die and everyone dies and what I do will matter maybe a few years and then won't. I overthink all day about this. Two days ago, I came upon a quote by Marcus Aurelius and got hooked to stoicism. So, any advice for my situation? Can I not be a stoic (forgive me if I haven't worded it right) if I am atheist? What do you guys believe in generally? (Or lack of belief in)","\> I'll eventually die and everyone dies and what I do will matter maybe a few years and then won't. this was true when you were religious, as well. \> I overthink all day about this. you may need to see a doctor if this is interfering with your life. \> Can I not be a stoic if I am atheist? yes you can. stoicism fits with many religious beliefs, or none, and also with other life stances. most modern stoics ignore the little bit of woo that is in some of the ancient writings. \> What do you guys believe in generally? (Or lack of belief in) okay, now i'm just speaking for myself. i am atheist, materialist, and humanist, and try to be stoic.",Existential crisis ever since becoming atheist,,general_qa 403,"When I wash my hands, climb stairs, or cook, all I think about is my to-do list or a past event and it makes me stressful or nostological. I find that I can not appreciate the present, do you have any advice Also, I recently discovered stoicism, does stoicism have any recommendations on what to focus","being aware of your thoughts. focused on being effective toward your goals. taking time before your day starts to center self and determine what really needs to be done: Journaling, centered breathing, embracing a sense of slowness (this is contradictory to intuition because we become more effective and productive this way). for inspiration check out the Daily Stoic podcast or website. it's not perfect (but it doesn't need to be either)",How to stop thinking about your to-do list or past event,,general_qa 404,"Due to recent events in my life, my life is thrown into chaos. I lost my balance in my life, my friends, and my work. I have stumbled upon this subreddit and started looking on information regarding this philosophy. To give a background, I got engaged and broken up a couple of weeks ago. I'm in the position where I am left, felt used, hurt, and angry at the person. I don't want to spiral down into self-pity and self-destruction, but at the same time I know myself that this is going to be a process that I have to go through. One thing about stoicism is about letting go and letting go of the things that I can't control. So my question is where do I begin?","Marcus Aurelius, Meditations is a good book to start. Understand what he says and recommends, not just fly over it",Where to start the practice of Stoicism?,,general_qa 405,"Hi, I'm looking for a good audiobook for a person (me) that is interested into getting into stoicism. But before I dive into Meditations and Epictetus, I'd like to listen to some ""modern"" take summarizing and talking about stoicism as a whole. I'm not native english speaker, so I'm looking for something not extremely technical / academical. Any suggestions please?","The total beginner can start with the Enchiridion (literally handbook) of Epictetus. It's very short. 53 passages. I don't know if there's an audiobook version. I'd try to find an audiobook of How to be a stoic by massimo pigliucci. Or find his podcast for brief reflections. Also, there are some fantastic podcast interviews of Gregory Sadler, Donald Robertson, and Massimo pigliucci I recommend (you can just search their names and episodes from multiple producers will pop up).",First audiobook for total begginer,,general_qa 406,"Before I proceed, I would like to clarify that I myself I'm an immigrant too, who moved to a Western European country mainly for studies, followed by a permanent contract, and I can assure you that these last 3 years have been the hardest of my life. I went through chronic depression for the last 10 years, and it was only after my whole struggle, with not only studies, but also money and family. To cut my personal story short, I couldn't help but notice that as soon as I landed in Europe, I kept noticing the same pattern relating itself again and again. The socialist country that I live in brings great benefits to those in need. That I do totally understand and I completely agree with. What I really don't understand and actually feel disgusted by is the fact that immigrants tend to get a lot of children and go jobless and get more than enough money from the government just by repeating the same process for years, before you shut me down, I've noticed this firsthand, not just by my close family, who actually did the exact thing that I've mentioned, but also from most of neighbors (I live in a poor neighborhood) who told me this themselves. I have been struggling with this issues for a very long time now, I did travel to other countries throughout my studies, including a semester abroad in a Nordic country, in which I got to exchange with a lot foreign students and immigrants, and noticed that their mind views really inclined with mine. As someone who has been reading about stoicism for the last 2 years and actually found it very helpful to let go of my own ego and selfish needs and accept others for their flaws, I really find it hard to accept this and I just keep growing and feeding this hatred inside of me towards my own kin, any thoughts would be really really appreciated. Thank you for reading.","It doesn't concern you, what other people do. Even if what they do, is to you, ""bad"". Why think of it?",How do I apply stoicism towards my fellow immigrants knowing that I'm mostly disgusted by their behaviour,,general_qa 407,"As a newcomer to Stoicism I wonder: Marcus Aurelius speaks in Meditations about recognising the divinity that lies within us and to take refuge in it. Then he speaks about the body (which he seems to cast aside as something impure), the soul (which is moved by passions) and the intellect or reason. But I am not entirely sure to which part Marcus adscribes this divinity within. If it is to reason itself, that would be an interesting contrast with other religions/forms of spirituality, because according to my limited understanding, they tend to adscribe divinity as something that goes both beyond the body and the capacity for reason. Also, if divinity is directly linked with reason, would that mean that Stoics do not believe that some of the other animals that exist have a ""spark of the divine"" within them?","I think divinity at the time is what we would call soul or inner goodness, it reflects a belief that we are good at heart and fundamentally divine. I frame this as we are beings of growing consciousness, and that we are all on a spectrum of trying to be better people, which removes the binary judgement of being good or bad","How do the Stoics link the ""divinity within"" with the faculty of reason?",,general_qa 408,"By influence, I mean convincing them. I know that stoicism tells us not to worry about events that we can't manipulate, but how much is it true for other people? Since people can affect others.","Meditations 10.4 ""If they've made a mistake, correct them gently and show them where they went wrong. If you can't do that, then the blame lies with you. Or no one.""",How much a stoic can (or should) influence other people?,,general_qa 409,"Not sure if tbis belongs here but id love advice. Im 22 years old and 3 years ago i fully embraced stoicism. Im very proud of what i accomplished durring my stoic mindset BUT i messed it all up badly. I attempted day trading. I became a lead aerospace welder, welding engine parts for mostly the F-35 fighter jet. I finally started making money trading while welding. Tried my hardest to be a bodybuilder as well I did this for a little over a year and it was incredible. But twards the end of that year i was so burnt out i stopped trading, lifting, and quit my welding job due to the fact that i was making awesome money from trading consistently. For a couple weeks after i quit i didnt do anything. Laid around sleeping. Then i picked up trading again when i remembered thats why i quit my welding job. I snappedy achilles in half helping puch a car then 4 days later i was diagnosed with epilepsy (again) with 15 partial seizures per day. (Its ""better"" now) I lost my stoic mindset. My work ethic, and my ability to continue to improve my day trading skills. Its been 10 months and everyday i try to become stoic again, improve my trading skills (because i make like $100 a day and im struggling to maintain that). But i never stick to it or take it seriously. I just need to stop being a lazy bum. I fell into the victim mentality (embarrassingly) Anyway any advice to get past this? Move locations? New environment? Go back to welding to gain motivation again? I even thought about paying someone to watch over me for a week to keep me on track until to get it through my head that its the life i want so do what needs to be done. Im not happy with this mindset and Im lost lol -Thanks",Try going back to the basics. Pick up a copy of meditations by Aurelius (hays translation is best) or re read a copy your already have. Maybe eliminate any substance issues you have such as pot or alcohol (this helped me immensely). I'm assuming you still have your welding certification so perhaps you could slowly ease back into that after you develop a consistent trading routine? Maybe instead of training to be a body builder you could use your workouts as a way to release tension. If you don't have the mindset of competing in lifting then it makes it more laid back and gives you an outlet.,"Fell back into the ""majority mindset""",,general_qa 410,What motivated you to learn more about Stoicism?,Horrible breakup followed by a nervous/emotional breakdown and existential crisis. A friend gave me Meditations. Good friend.,What motivated you to learn more about Stoicism?,,general_qa 411,"Inspired by [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/Stoicism/comments/fx00gf/i_am_intrigued_about_your_stance/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share), I had some questions that I thought would provide good discussion and clarification. How do you succinctly define traditional stoicism? From my reading, it is the consideration of physics (e.g. determinism) and theology (e.g. description of God) when adopting Stoicism as a worldview. How does being a traditional stoic impact your practice when compared to a modern stoic? What is your personal view of God? Is it mostly aligned with Providence or the immanence of nature? And to those who aren't traditional Stoics but believe in God, what God do you believe in? Deism, theism, pantheism, panentheism, etc.? I look forward to your thoughts.","The dichotomy of control reminds us that some things are within our control, and others are not. It's perfectly sensible to apply this to our external lives - to say things like, well, I can't control if my car breaks down or not, but I can control how well I maintain it. This is good advice, but it has little to do with traditional Stoicism. To the traditionalists, the only things 'within our control' are basically our judgement and our will, and that's it. It has nothing to do with external things at all. Good and bad only have meaning in reference to these internal things. >When Epictetus says that wisdom is good itself and folly is evil, he is not making a consequentialist point. He is not trying to say that having false beliefs will cause us to choose evil actions, like attacking the weak or committing murder. To say this would be to confuse our external actions as having moral worth. **No external acts that I commit can have intrinsic value, either good or bad.** Rather, what he is saying is that being ignorant, or dealing with impressions improperly, **is** the evil. As such, having a false belief is an evil act in and of itself. In fact, it is the only kind of evil act. And having correct beliefs is the only good act. Remember that since we only have control over our rational faculty, then assent to an impression and forming the corresponding belief is the only kind of genuine choice we ever get to make. Thus our beliefs do not cause future evil or good actions in the external world. They _are_ the evil or good actions... https://old.reddit.com/r/Stoicism/comments/dv0urw/quote_of_the_day_michael_trembley/",Questions for Traditional Stoics,,general_qa 412,"Hello everyone, i came to know about stoicism through a friend when i was down very badly due to a break up, been a year since i have applied and try the practices and would like to ask if there is a way to apply stoicism when gaming ?","I'm not sure how to apply it in gaming, but there is this game, Dark Souls, I think that it's philosophies and lore and even game play, covers some teaching of stoicism. Check out the example below, and apart from that, there a various other videos exploring Dark Souls philosophies, if you feel curious about it. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=viP4psS3MUQ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=viP4psS3MUQ)",Soticism in gaming ?,,general_qa 413,"Yeah, yeah. Countless posts like this. But my problem is this. How do I deal with the mental pain that I constantly receive from thinking about all the societal problems (about which I won't go into detail unless necessary) over which I have little to no control? It mostly annoys me because of how powerless I feel over it and that it may negatively impact people I care about, even complete strangers I don't know. I know spending time and energy on pondering issues I have no control over is one of the things stoicism is against, but being completely passive about it sounds like a horrible alternative to me","First of all, you could change your language. It's not the things that hurt you mentally (as you wrote it), rather it's your judgement of things that results in emotional suffering. In regards to the societal problems, you can think about what is in your power to solve them, which is far more than we often think; you could go on hunger strike, sleep in a tent before a government building, start a petition etc. The question is if you think it's worth the effort and priority, and if you think it will get the result. If you decide not to after serious (rational) consideration, than it will be easier to accept or live with it. Keep in mind that the societal problem (in this case) is the only problem. We seem to build emotional (imaginary) problems on top of real problems, which only hinders us in solving the real problems.",How to deal with things that constantly hurt me mentally but are completely out of my control?,,general_qa 414,Anyone have an idea about stoicism and islam.,"Are you trying to ask if there are similarities? I can think of two right off the top of my head. Fasting in Islam isn't too far off from ""voluntary discomfort"" in Stoicism. Also, Islam is something practiced methodically every day, same with Stoicism.",Stoicism and Islam,,general_qa 415,"While reading about early roman history i have noticed that some authors mention how the roman patricians were heavily into stoicism and this showed off in particularly hard times, such as the aftermath of a military defeat or whenever the got captured by the enemy. Was roman stoicism a thing before Cato the younger? When did stoicism arrived to rome? Does stoicism relates in any way to the roman *virtus* and other roman values?",">When did stoicism arrived to rome? 155 BCE. [Link](https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/stoicism/#influence) (6.3 but the entire section is very interesting.) ~~Rome~~ Stoicism is said to have begun in 300 BCE.",Stoicism in the early roman republic,,general_qa 416,"Apologies if there's a better place to post this, but stoicism has greatly changed my life (for the better) this year, and it all started in January 2020. Beginning in January, I took my first internship. I was about 2 hours from home, being paid for the first time for what I'd been going to school for for the last three years. Days 1 and 2 were typical introduction days, and then that first Wednesday. One of the coldest days we'd had in a long time (Central part of Midwest) and I had a horrendous day. I felt like I knew nothing about what I was doing. I was the new person in the office, the most clueless. This was in stark contrast to the classroom where I am typically a top 20% student. I had my first mental/emotional breakdown. I called my girlfriend, talked with her for a while, but when I hung up that feeling of despair and helplessness still sat in my stomach like a rock. In that moment as I sat in my room all alone, I felt worthless. One of the books my older brother had shown me, and which i eventually purchased and brought with me to the internship, was Meditations. He'd listened to the ebook, and told me to give it a try (a $3 purchase wouldn't hurt anything). And then I found the quote that's governed my life from that day forward. ""You don't have to turn this into something. It doesn't have to upset you."" Marcus Aurelius A simple quote to read and understand. Don't blow things out of proportion. I realized I was getting in my head about the smallest things in life. Was I unhappy because of how ""bad"" work was, or was it because I was dwelling on any negatives I could find? I took a pen and wrote the quote on a sheet of computer paper and taped it to my wall. Every single day from then on that I spent in that apartment, I found a new quote (typically from Meditations or googling) and wrote it down and taped it to the wall. By the time my internship got cut short due to Covid, I had 60 quotes plastered above the desk I ate and worked at. It was an extremely pleasing and relaxing exercise, and honestly got me through a lot of difficult days. It gave me something to look forward to. As it put me in a better mood, I also started working out more and my mood got so much better. I'm not going to say Stoicism is some miracle drug that cures all, but realizing that you can't control everything in life, and have to take things for their actual value and roll with them is a very important lesson to learn. I'm so thankful for finding that quote at the right time. And for the other 59 quotes I found throughout my time away. How has reading and following stoic beliefs helped you all?","A quote was found to be attributed to Marcus Aurelius in his Meditations 6.52 (Hays) ^(Book VI. ()[^(Hays)](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:BookSources?isbn=9780812968255)^) ^(Book VI. ()[^(Farquharson)](https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/The_Meditations_of_the_Emperor_Marcus_Antoninus/Book_6)^) ^(Book VI. ()[^(Long)](https://lexundria.com/m_aur_med/6.52/lg)^)",How has stoicism helped you in difficult times?,,general_qa 417,"I (F24) am currently living at home with my mum and sister. I moved back in after I graduated last year. I've always felt young for my age but over the last year I've started acting like an angry 14 year old. All I seem to do is sit on my phone, researching my problems and talking to people about them. I have become abusive to my partner and emotionally shut off from those around me. I seem to resent people and assume they don't like me. I don't have the drive to do any actual hobbies, I'm becoming incredibly self obsessed and self indulgent. I pity myself for situations that I have put myself in, and I do nothing to fix them. I don't feel like I'm living IN my life. I feel like I'm less mature than I was at 18. I talk about myself all the time and have days where I find it hard to think about anyone else. People have tried to help me but I'm set on 'fixing it myself' but after another day of lying in bed researching potential personality disorders I think this is getting ridiculous. My motivation to change seems to disappear so fast. I really dislike myself and don't understand how I'm in this place. The more aware I am of needing to stop acting in my ego the more I seem to do it. I've bought many self help books but don't have the motivation to read them. I've started remote volunteering but am too lazy to contribute much. I promise my partner that I'll get better and communicate better but some days I struggle to connect with my own actions and his feelings. I'm in therapy but paying someone £ to talk about myself AGAIN seems counterproductive. I don't understand how I'm in this place at 24. I thought I would be in a happy relationship or living in France or volunteering with animals or learning how to make clothes but instead I've become a lazy self pitying directionless lump. Even my 19 year old sister has told me to start acting my age. Anyone have any tips on how to grow up? I know stoicism is about acceptance and living by logic so I think that would help. TL;DR : have regressed massively since leaving uni and am now very toxic and immature. I'm not sure how to get out of this slump. Any advice on maturing emotionally greatly appreciated.","This probably isn't a helpful comment, but have you read any of the Stoic works? Personally, after reading Aurelius and Seneca, my viewpoint changed and I became more self-conscious of my bad qualities/behaviors. I have since changed for the better.",How can stoicism help me mature emotionally?,,general_qa 418,"So i'm extremely new to this all. I am currently reading ""How to think like a Roman Emperor"". But i wanted to know what i should read next. I was thinking about the Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. Suggestions would be much appreciated. Honestly any and all suggestions about just learning Stoicism in general would be greatly appreciated.",Check the FAQ http://www.reddit.com/r/Stoicism/wiki/faq,Reading Suggestions?,,general_qa 419,I'm new I was sent here from a user on r/NoStupidQuestions after asking for other was I can improve my outlook and have a more positive life despite the world around me being currently on fire and in chaos. I see a therapist but it's once every two weeks and I've started reading books about science and philosophy (they said I should read books about what I like to help me improve my life). Then as I said earlier they said I should go here for help as well so once again; What is Stoicism? Like the real meaning not the one people often assume the meaning is.,"The description in the FAQ is pretty good: >Stoicism is a philosophy of life, a practical guide to applying wisdom to your daily choices, focused on living life as a thriving rational being, characterized by excellence in judgement and the fulfilled happiness that is to the mind what robust healthy fitness is to the body. Stoics believe that, just as physical pain is caused by illness and injury to the body, human distress is caused (at least in part, and according to orthodox Stoicism, entirely) by mistaken judgments and incorrect beliefs, particularly about good and bad. To completely correct these judgements and correct these beliefs is a difficult task, perhaps effectively impossible, but Stoic study, practice, and exercises aim at least to improve those of the Stoics who practice them. The whole FAQ is good, honestly: https://www.reddit.com/r/Stoicism/wiki/faq",So what is Stoicism?,,general_qa 420,"As i was reading Seneca's letters i stumbled upon the following: No good thing is pleasant to possess, without friends to share it , which is mentioned in the letter ""On sharing knowledge"". Source: [https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Moral\_letters\_to\_Lucilius/Letter\_7](https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Moral_letters_to_Lucilius/Letter_7) My question is that is there anything in Stoicism that talks about a life of isolation? As i believe that i am going to spend my life somewhat isolated (not willingly) and it would help to read about it","When I read I immediately started guessing why you might isolated. Is he going to jail? Does he have some illness or deformity that makes him want to avoid society? Is he going to live in a super remote place..? Anyway.. You probably can use the Internet and read books, and if I were you, I would probably study the classics of literature and poetry. And I'd observe nature! Check out Walden by Thoreau and probably John Muir (though I haven't read his books). (P.S.: If you have some ailment that prevents you from living in society, check out https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Helen_Keller . I recently stumbled over her bio and it's super inspiring.)",How to deal with a life of complete isolation,,general_qa 421,"The other day I was arguing with my dad over what my response should be to not getting the time off at work I requested. I was resigned to it, trying to practice Amor Fati in the moment and not wishing for things to be how they aren't. My dad got flustered at my reaction, and kept questioning me over why I can't ask to get it changed. I was having difficulty expressing how I felt in this circumstance, and to be honest the argument was heating me up too. Got any advice for arguments / conversing with non-Stoics who don't understand anything about Stoicism? (Also, I really am not ready to tell him I practice this philosophy so I don't want to explain Amor Fati to him) Thanks for helping :)","The more grounded in your philosophy that you are, the easier it is to remain calm. Saying something like ""I'm okay with it, Dad"" or somehow figuring out how to communicate without getting worked up will go a long way to diffusing these types of exchanges. It's really hard to not get excited when someone is more upset about something than you are. That being said, if the time off was important and you assessed that there was some angle that you could appeal it, it would be totally reasonable to ask your work. Stoicism isn't about being a victim. It's partially about reasonably assessing a situation if possible before reacting.",Any advice for disputes with non-Stoics?,,general_qa 422,"I agree with a lot of stoicism and I'm a bit natural leaned towards those mindsets before I knew what it was. Though, I can very often see the machiavellian nature of human beings and focus on their actions rather then their words. With that I often conclude that most people are very shallow beings only thinking about themselves (even most people doing ""good deeds"" to boost their own ego, like donating money). I also often prepare for a negative outcome. For example some old friend hits me up. ""How nice"" I thought at first, ""what is he after?"" After some friendly chatting back and forth he starts begging for money. Classic. Am I more leaned towards a cynical mindset rather then stoic?","The Cynics weren't 'cynical' is the way we use the word today, and for that matter, the Stoics weren't really 'stoic' either. This is a good overview: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cynicism_(philosophy) As for the Stoics, our own FAQ is the best place to start: http://www.reddit.com/r/Stoicism/wiki/faq",What is the difference between Stoicism and Cynicism?,,general_qa 423,"For the last five years i'd say ive had dysthymia(depression but more like cycles of it) I feel like my only options are to leave my current circumstance living at home and get out in the world. This will not only destroy my agoraphobia but also make me more independent and force me to be put into stressful situations giving me more of the character that i admire in others. My options right now in my head are to join the military or live abroad. I'm thinking Uruguay. I think the military will instill the work ethic and discipline and financial security that i seek and i know that with this sense of strictness it will eventually free me but it will also give me another entity to be dependent on. Going from my parents to big brother. I don't like the idea of this nor the complete conformity aspect that will make my individuation process more difficult as I denigrate into a pack mentality again. With this being said living abroad has always been a dream of mine and also to learn Spanish. My Spanish is ok right now but i need to work on speaking rather than just reading. I have this problem with people and anxiety and I think that living abroad might push me back into wherever i am dwelling and continue to isolate me but i will be forced to be more of an adult this way and forced to socialize in a foreign language in order to get around. Learn more of me while instead of being told who is me. I have much more I could write about these two things but don't want to make things tldr. Just being in another world from right now will be great although i've been fighting with this decision for years. I chose this sub because stoicism to me is basically a fight on making the right decision even though knowing you won't be able to but putting emotions aside. TLDR; Military or Uruguay. Where should i go?",">I feel like my only options are to leave my current circumstance living at home and get out in the world. Not only are these not your only options, there is no reason to suspect they're even routes to happiness at-all. The next step up from ""depressed and unemployed, living at home"" is not ""soldier"" or ""world trotter"". It is most likely simply ""employed"", followed by ""not living with your parents"". People who have not taken on new challenges in their lives for a very long time often develop delusions of ""transcendence"", in which they stop thinking realistically about what the ""next step"" for them is, and begin thinking about courses of actions that involve a complete transformation of their entire character. If you go over to the meditation forum, you will see people who have been unemployed and trapped for years believing that their problem can be solved by becoming ""enlightened"". If you go over to a bodybuilding forum, you will see people who are struggling to date asking how they can go from a regular-looking person to a Mr Universe-like entity in only a few months, in the belief that this will address their problem. And sometimes, when a person has been stuck at home, unemployed, they begin thinking about ""becoming a soldier"" (which is a complete transformation) or ""traveling the world"" to fix their problems. In many ways, this person is having the same delusion as the person who thinks you can solve depression with ""enlightenment"". The reason people do this is that they are caught in a cycle of feeling they're ""behind"". They are comparing themselves to other people. Because they are not trying to improve themselves, and are in fact trying to ""catch up"" to a standard they have imagined to exist, they do not think in terms of small, incremental improvements in their life, but instead begin to think only about single ""bounds"" that will take them from nothing to everything they believe that should have achieved. Many people end up roped into multi-level marketing schemes this way. I believe there is a chance that you are engaged in this way of thinking. People can linger for decades trying to plan the ""big move"" that takes them from nothing to everything when they think in this way. I would ask yourself whether it would not be more reasonable to think less about ""traveling the world"" or ""becoming a super-disciplined soldier"" and more about ""finding a job"" and ""leaving your parent's house with the money from that job"". You also need a reality check on the army front; the army trains you to be in the army. Very often, soldiers who leave the armed forces are extremely lost mentally and physically and very little of what you're taught has any true relevance to civilian life. Much of it can make civilian life harder, not easier, for many soldiers.",Life decision. Escape from reality through military service or living abroad?,,general_qa 424,"Am I passive and weak? In recent years I feel like I've naturally gravitated towards stoicism. There are so many things I can't control. I will stay very calm and consider whether or not there is a procedure for a given situation. I haven't studied stoic philosophy very much but I like what I've read so far. A coworker was complaining about some pointless task given by our boss. The task was lengthy and probably assigned because they didn't want to take the time to come up with a better task. When asked how I respond to such tasks I said that I do them because I am getting paid. When the boss says to do something, I should do it. Overall, I like my job and from time to time I may get assignments I don't enjoy. I still need to provide for my family. My coworker accused me of being passive and weak. This is someone I trust and the accusation has been bothering me for awhile. Note: if this question is not appropriate for the subreddit please feel free to take it down.","You get paid to do the work. The way I see it that's an arrangement you agreed to. Not passive, its a choice. Your friends emotional reaction to a slight inconvenience seems more like weakness to me, whining doesn't show strength. If he doesn't want to do the work for the wages he is recieving then he should quit, otherwise he is passive. He's the one doing work he doesn't want to do",Passive and Weak?,,general_qa 425,"So a little context before i start: im going to pass away this week, probably not more than a few days away now. My reason for posting here is asking for some advice, maybe some help with reflection on how to remain stoic in a situation like this, or perhaps just someone to wave me off. Im having what can only be described as an incredibly vast mess of emotions raging within me, competing for dominance, anything from fear to sadness, happiness and excitement, and of course confusion. But the one im struggling the most with is how nothing seems to have changed around me. That life moves forwards for everyone else while i seemingly stand still is such a surreal feeling which makes this so unreal. I wake up like any other day, but with the knowledge that its soon over. That im not going to catch the next episode of that TV show, how im not going to read that new novel, or try that new game with my friends. Fear because im afraid of what comes after, if anything at all. That there could be nothing, is just as scary as what could be. Sadness because i have had to distance myself from friends, also a factor in leading me to post here anonymously. Happiness because i wont need to worry about the physical pain and further deteriorating body, that i dont need to question whether or not i have eaten in the past few days. Excitement because of what could be, maybe there is a vast world that i get to explore without being ill. and confusion because all of these emotions exist and act out simultaneously. I opted for not being in the hospital, and instead in the relative comfort of my own home. Im feeling very conflicted as i clean what i can, tidy, throw away things, and generally prepare myself for maybe not waking up the next day. The recurring theme is that none of this feels real to me yet, I expected things to be different, for the world to say something back to me. But all im met with is the little comfort normality brings, although I am feeling disappointed and confused that nothing is different around me. If youve gotten this far, thank you for reading this. That someone is even taking the time to read this means a lot to me, because it makes me feel a just a little bit better, because maybe someone would be able to understand just a little bit of what im feeling through this text. EDIT: To everyone that is reading and commenting, i try to reply to as many as i can, but know that you are already doing more than i could have hoped for from a stranger. All of the comments in this post bring me an amazing sense of calm i could never have imagined I'd get. So many people engaging with me makes me feel a sense of calm in the storm i didn't think was possible, you guys are all giving me the feeling that it's going to be ok. That it's just the next step. That you all have given me the thing i treasure the most right now, your time and attention, so to everyone reading and commenting, thank you. EDIT 2: I believe no time is wasted if it's spent doing what you want or what you enjoy. For me right now with my limited time, i find myself smiling and feeling a sense of companionship to everyone here sharing their opinions, insight, and thoughts with me. That i am able to interact and share meaningful moments with all of you is something i will treasure forever.","I'm here. I've read every word. You've explained yourself so well, and I wish for you peace. I don't know what to say, I have no advice, but I didn't want to read and move on silently. So hello from another random stranger on the internet. Thank you for sharing this with us.",When the end comes the most surprising thing is how nothing changes,,general_qa 426,"I'm 23 and have been with this girl since highschool. She recently broke up with me and left me for my best friend, she told me she didn't feel in love with me anymore but I still loved her with all my heart. I looked into stoicism to try and cope with the situation but I'm having a hard time staying in that mindset. Do y'all have any advice on staying in the stoic mindset? Edit: I appreciate everyone of you who took the time to write! It's honestly made me feel a lot better. I'll give a little more context so you understand exactly how I'm feeling. I treated my friend like a brother, always looked out for him and always tried to help him out whenever I could. And with my ex we would be almost inseparable we had so much in common and saw each other every day but she had always told me that I lacked maturity and always complain about me being too bitter and depressed and stubborn. After her family confronted her and told her they don't think I'm right for her that's when she pulled the trigger. It wasnt a clean cut it was a slow and painful process to undo what we had built for 7 years. And after finding out she had been sleeping with my friend I lost it and started putting her on blast on social media and it just made everything worse, now I'm being threatened by her family. Everything is very messy right now, I turned to stoicism to try and help me have a good attitude about the situation but it's been difficult","I know you feel betrayed not by just one, but two loved ones. I very recently experienced something similar. Here's my two cents. You cannot and should not take responsibility for the actions of your friend or ex. They are beyond your control. The fact that they will have to contend with each other's behaviour at some point in time is their problem now. ""Other people's mistakes? Leave them to their makers."" \- Marcus Aurelius Do not make the mistake of thinking that there could be anything you could have done differently to avoid what happened. This is an illusion, a cognitive distortion that is predicated on the false belief that you have absolute control of your environment and can deterministically define the course of events, in the same way that turning the knob in the shower produces hot water. Look at this as a gift, events turned out to be such that two people that were not right for you revealed this fact to you at the same time. Finally, when grief starts to subside somewhat, start working on yourself and building an identity outside of a relationship that dominated your formative years. What do you love to do? What excites or intrigues you? What's a hobby that sparks joy? Don't try to rush and take each day as it comes. Accept what happened to you and accept that what you feel about it is natural. I don't know you but I have full faith in your ability to overcome this. Take care of yourself.","My GF of 7 years left me for my best friend, I've been lonely.",,general_qa 427,"Let me start by saying that me and my wife will be seeking couples therapy. This post is about what I can do in addition to that from a stoic perspective for my mental wellbeing. A bit long, so there is a TLDR at the end. Me and my wife are married for almost 9 years. We have a 5yo child. She had a relationship during her college days with a guy (broke up before we married) which went quiet after we married. But they started talking a couple of years back and became good friends and slowly developed feelings. The guy and his wife are in a open/polyamorous relationship and by having conversations with them over the course of several months, my wife also got interested in the idea. She has talked to me about the concept of polyamory with me a couple of times and my response all the time was that I am not sure. All the conversations that we had were theoretical/hypothetical and we never agreed to proceed with pursuing it. A couple of months back, my wife mentioned that she needed to take a vacation (to another country) and that she would be staying with the above mentioned guy and his wife. Recalling the conversations about poly earlier, I was a bit apprehensive and specifically talked to her and asked her not to pursue anything during her trip. I said in no uncertain terms that I was not OK with this and I didn't know how I would react if something happens (I said it could be jealousy, depression, disappointment - I even said things may go to divorce). I made sure I was dead serious about this. She went on her trip and she stayed with the guy - they slept in a room the 7 days she was there and had sex. She told me this a day after she was back from vacation. She does tell me that she loves me (I believe her 100% and I love her too) as much as she did earlier, but wants the other relationship also. Now, I am feeling all kinds of emotions: jealousy, betrayal, feeling inadequate/insignificant, anger, worried about our future. I cannot stop imagining her lying in bed naked with the guy and I have bawled my eyes out several times since. The part about dealing with the future of our relationship is definitely something that we will work on with therapy, but for now as a first step, I need to heal from the feeling of being cheated on, betrayed. Please help me work through this. I am unable to function and these thoughts are consuming me. How do I distill this event into external thing/judgement and wipe it out? What can I control? I want to be stronger when I come out of this and I am sure I will but could use some advice. TL;DR: Wife broke the trust in our relationship by sleeping with another guy (even after explicitly mentioning that I was not OK with it) and I am now feeling all kinds of emotions: jealousy, betrayal, feeling inadequate/insignificant, anger, worried about our future. Please help me work through this.",Divorce. Don't use stoicism to make staying more bearable. Use stoicism to make leaving her more bearable. This mistrust will always be in your mind and will be no help to your relationship with her or your children. Cheating is never accidentally or sudden. It always starts in the heart. She cheating on you spiritually LONG before it became reality.,Wife broke trust in relationship - seeking stoic guidance.,,general_qa 428,"I'll try to make this brief. Since I was a child I developed a knee jerk reaction to checking out women. I don't stare but it's like butts and boobs have a tractor beam on my pupils and before I know it I've taken a quick glance at a woman's physique. After reading several stoic books I've begun to feel that I'm not in control of my impulses and desires and now I just feel as Marcus Aurelius might say a puppet being pulled by the puppet strings of desire and impulse. I feel at battle with my logic and my beast like impulses. Secondly, I have a girlfriend and while I would never be what is traditionally viewed as disloyal, I've begun to feel disloyal for it as well and I think rightly so. My intention isn't to debate whether there is a worthy excuse as I'm sure many other men have wandering eyes as well but I am seeking some advice on how I should curb this. I need something besides shielding my eyes every time a woman passes me or shows up on my feed. I'm sure this is comical to some and I admit it is an odd advice request but it is a deeply ingrained impulse which I've been trying to challenge everyday recently and not doing so great.","The impulse is natural, your response to the impulse is up to you. The impulse is only unsettling or disruptive or overpowering because you believe it to be so. It has no force of its own. It's very easy for young men to overvalue the sexual attractiveness of potential or imagined partners. It's easy to imagine that it means so much, that it promises happiness that is incomparable. That's the hook, that's why it's disruptive. We believe it matters, so it matters. If you woke up tomorrow and believed it meant nothing, it would mean nothing. There's no more to it than that. Do your best to examine and challenge the beliefs you have; don't try to change them, but instead, honestly and fairly evaluate them, and adopt the beliefs that you really think are correct. If it's genuine, it works.",Curbing lustful impulses,,general_qa 429,"I need to reach out to other individuals besides my loved ones right now even on the internet. I feel like my whole life is a mistake at the age of 25. I noticed people cause 90% of the worlds problems. 10% is left to physical nature. My girlfriend and I have been trying to find a place for the last month (again) nothing was coming from it. We searched and searched and searched. Some places looked promising but they didn't work out. We live in South Florida by the way so everything is getting overly expensive right now. The last place me and my girlfriend looked at didn't work out either. I talk to her grandmother about the situation. She was trying to get an efficiency with my girlfriends uncle's girlfriends family. I guess no information was relayed to this guy from his mom. He ends up being upset and wanted to talk to my girlfriend and I outside (family gathering). And comes off very offensive so I asked him why he was holding that tone with us and he told me shut up and let him talk. I told him don't talk to us like that then he pushes me on the front lawn and gets ready to fight me... I don't fight unless I absolutely have to. I pick myself up. I'm heated and he gets back in my face. After I tell him to stay where he is. Some family comes outside and points fingers at me and say I have to go. I dropped my phone when he pushed me. His girlfriend blames me. I then storm off in my car trying to commit suicide and end up damaging someones yard down the street (We've been through a lot in a short amount of time). The cops came. Didn't receive a ticket. I'm paying for damages as I should. I don't think her family knows or cares what happened. My girlfriend and I have nowhere to go and we have to move out soon. I'm coming here for stoic advice. Because as a past practicing stoic I was never suicidal. This just started happening last year. I'm trying to practice stoicism again but my life has gotten so hard that any for of philosophical thought has drain out of my mind. Now. I don't like people. I don't trust people. And I need help...",You need to seek professional help immediately. Do not replace proper help with advice from strangers on the internet.,I almost committed suicide today.,,general_qa 430,"Maybe it's just me but I'd love to see this sub go back to being a place to have discussions about the actual philosophy instead of what it has turned into; mostly posts about people asking for advice on how to deal with things like their girlfriend rejecting them, or how their grandma is dying or that they have no job or whatever. Make a separate sub called stoic advice or some such thing for that... Sorry for rant, maybe I'm in the minority here, just seems to be a steady drop in quality here. I think one could even argue turning this sub into a forum for people to complain about every single negative event in their life actually goes against what stoicism teaches.","Philosophy isn't just discussion and thought, though - stoicism is about the *practice* of the philosophy. Those who come here seeking advice are in actuality asking how to practice stoicism.","Petition to move ""seeking stoic advice"" posts to a separate sub.",,general_qa 431,"In 20 days I'm going to be homeless. It is a certainty, parents are kicking me out the day I'm 18. There is nothing I can do to change it, although I searched I could not find a job. I don't even have couches to sleep on as I am generally unfriendly. I don't need life advice (E.g. find a church get a gym membership). I would just like some words of advice to face the challenge of months I will be spending alone trying to finish high school from a tent. Edit: I would please recommend everyone to reread the line ""I don't need life advice (E.g. find a church get a gym membership).""I want wisdom, I am not in need of what-to-do advice","You aren't the first, and you won't be the last. You'll be attending a real classroom and out of the elements for many hours. Clean up your body in the school bathrooms daily and use your locker to store toiletries and important paperwork like a birth certificate and such. Spend your evenings in the library and use the free wifi to complete any online content. At the very least, let a guidance counselor at your school know your transient status. Find out if you're eligible for an extended hotel stay, or get on a waiting list for transitional housing. Familiarize yourself with food handout days from various agencies, and apply for a food stamp card to buy groceries. I don't know if you're in an urban or rural setting, doesn't matter much, but there's a good chance the police and other social service agency personnel will get to know you *in a good way*. You will not go unnoticed. Let society help you, even if you don't make friends easily. In my country, young adults your age get free health care. Don't know about yours. Find out. Let society do what your parents aren't able to do. The fact that you want to finish high school is an excellent intention. You may feel alone, but you are actually far from it. Let the infrastructure of society be your friend, and let the humans who are in positions to help you, actually help you. You don't have to be friends with any of them. Radically accept that humans will help you and want nothing in return. ""WHEREVER THERE IS A HUMAN BEING, THERE IS AN OPPORTUNITY FOR A KINDNESS."" \- SENECA",Facing homelessness. Stoic advice?,,general_qa 432,"I honestly thought that I'd be braver or more stoic about it, but I'm really just fucking terrified. I have severe health anxiety and OCD and I've spent literally years worrying every day about some rare illness that would come along and take me out, but now that it might actually be happening I almost feel like I can't accept it. My mind is like a record skipping - it won't allow me to go beyond fear and into acceptance. I keep going over everything in my head, all the time I spent digging into a pit of despair and worry and not being present in my own life - it was all such a fucking waste. I could have been spending it with my family and with my husband, but instead I was wrapped up in my own shit and naively thought I'd ""fix"" it someday and it would all be okay. The irony of it is that I'm pretty sure all the worrying and all the fear is what made me the way I am now, and what's going to kill me is actually *me*. I know that death is natural. I know that everybody dies. I just don't feel ready to. I feel like the clock is ticking and it's getting louder and louder every minute. I want desperately for this to be yet another one of 'those times' when I was just as convinced, but all the evidence in front of me says this is different. This is for *real*. I've started writing goodbye letters for everyone but I don't know what to say. There's a lot of pressure to say the right thing and leave a good lasting impression. I had hoped to have had the chance to actually say goodbye properly, in person, but that isn't going to happen. I hope the people I love know that I didn't avoid them out of neglect or on purpose, it's just that this beast inside me wouldn't let me live, and I wasn't able to tame it before it devoured me from the inside out. I'm really, really sorry. I hope they can forgive me and that I'm remembered fondly, that they think about me with warmth and affection. I hope they'll be okay. I don't believe in an afterlife, but maybe there is something out there or maybe we'll all just circle back around. Maybe my random collection of atoms will come together again next time and I'll get a chance to do things over. That would be pretty nice. I didn't think this is how it would end for me. Hubris, I know. Why am I so fucking special, right? Spoiler: I'm not. I'm 32 years old and I guess I had a pretty good run, all things considered. That doesn't really help but I think people are supposed to feel that way. I'm not really sure what to do now to make myself more at peace. I just wanted to put this out there so its out of *me*, and maybe this will help calm this fearful part of me down enough so I can spend the last bit of my life actually living it. I'd welcome any words of wisdom or advice if anyone can share some.","OP, from your most recent comments: >Went to the ER and they did 2 EKGs, full blood tests, an hour monitor and a chest X-ray and said there was nothing wrong. The EKG report only said sinus arrhythmia). >I went to my PCP who listened a lot to my heart and said they do not recommend I go to a cardiologist for a Holter monitor and are very very sure that all of my issues are from anxiety (I have severe OCD - the concern re: the monitor is that I would find something to fixate on even if it came out normal). So, I'm kind of stuck now between worrying that there's some underlying issue causing the palpitations that's going to cause cardiac arrest or trying to accept it might really be anxiety and hoping to feel better enough for serious attempt at treating it. You are experiencing anxiety induced panic and delusion. You should be seeing a mental health professional.",I'm pretty sure I'm going to die soon and I'm not as okay with it as I want to be (*Trigger Warning*),,general_qa 433,"It could be that I'm just a bit exhausted from the everyday grind, a bit worn out of the state of the world and the reality of the modern day human condition, or just vibing hard with the Stoic texts I've be re-reading again as of late, namely the Meditations. I'm catch myself feeling a growing disconnect and weariness from the everyday hustle and bustle, the heated discussions people have on meaningless or indifferent subjects, the constant grind for money and keeping up with the jones's. Feels like the more I sync with the Stoic teachings and mindset, the more I feel disconnected from the modern lifestyle, and the things it prioritises. Not really looking for advice here, just thought I'd share. Thanks for reading.","Emil Cioran said something like ""Every form of haste, even towards good, betrays some mental disorder."" I have spent most of my life working my ass for the purpose of generating profit for others. And now I have realized that most of the hardest working are the most exploited. I've been trying really hard lately to internalize the stoic ways and it has been a struggle but I am slowly disallowing my corporate overlords from leaving me in a state of stress, anxiety, and exhaustion. My hate for the system is slowly turning to pity for those who sell their souls to the system. I still hate the system though, don't get me wrong on that.",I feel I'm gradually disconnecting from the hustle and bustle of the modern day lifestyle.,,general_qa 434,"Hello friends, I come here for advice and guidance about a real life situation, that disturbs me a lot when I wish it didn't. Secret Santa at work, with 10€ limit. I bought some nougat, a pack of candy, and some cake. I put it in a postal box I had at home, except part of it was torn. I am an awfully bad wrapper, and somehow I thought it would work out fine once I wrapped it \- although I admit I could have tried harder. Anyway, when a coworker picked my gift and unwrapped it in front of everybody (\~25 people), it just looked like... 3 random food items thrown in a used and partially torn postal box. It looked lame, almost inconsiderate. One manager even made a joke about it in front of everyone, saying another weirdly wrapped gift at least wasn't as bad as mine \- he later came to apologize when other told him how bad that was (thinking he maybe was criticizing the *content* of my gift).I said it was fine... but in fact I felt pretty humiliated (I tend to be really sensitive to jokes at work). I really can't seem to let it go, I even ponder writing back to this manager tomorrow to tell him how I really felt. I am kinda surprised and shameful about how such a minor thing (in the grand scheme of things) can disturb me so much. Any stoic guidance would be welcomed here,cheers ! *PS : tip for your secret santa : just buy a scented candle in its original bag, or some easily-wrapped card game or small book...*","It's highlighting a vulnerability which you weren't aware of and is an opportunity to better know yourself. Quite often I find that with these types of things I can't let go there is usually some deep-seated event, usually from my adolescence, that led me to think that way, but that thinking was derived by an adolescent and I'm now an adult. Reframing past events in a new light is a powerful way to shape your thinking. Consider which part of it is most bothersome to you: judgement by the social group, the quality of the gift, the quality of the packaging, your low-effort approach relative to others, misreading the task, etc.",Extremely bothered by a joke during Secret Santa at work,,general_qa 435,"As in the title. Love never comes to some of us, but from the neurological point of view, it's needed nevertheless. It's not true that love will always find a way. No, it's not a rule, at least not today. However, our brains need it, all the hormones connected with it and so on, because it helped our ancestor survive and thus feel better and we have the same brains as they did. It's pure biology. But nowadays love may never come to some of us since times have changed and we haven't. All the lack of love leads to a huge discomfort in life. Whether I experience love or not, does not depend on me, despite my making an effort in that matter, but my brian just can't understand it. How do I tell my brain not to suffer? Any stoic readings on that? Any advice?","I am happy to explain the Stoic response to this, at least as I understand it anyway. Please understand that I am not trying to persuade you to it, I just mean to point it out. Very simply, the Stoics assert that we do not need any external things in order to thrive and to be happy. This is a foundational Stoic idea, well-explained and well-described in their terms. Love is an external, a thing, as you pointed out, which we cannot control, cannot count on, and cannot hold forever. What we _do_ need is to be loving, to have empathy, to have an open heart, to welcome others as they are, however they are, and we find the relationships we find, and that's that. Our being loving is within our control. That's us. That's what we need to keep right. The consequences are just the consequences, and that's all anyone ever has.",Love never comes to some of us,,general_qa 436,"He has a week or two left. He's my best friend, I'm having a hard time. Is there any good stoic advice that might help?","I saved this for when I need it next. hope it helps you. https://www.reddit.com/r/Stoicism/comments/oshe2b/i_would_like_to_make_sense_of_having_to_put_my/h6p4mnq/?context=3",My dog is dying,,general_qa 437,"Can lack of contraceptives in their times be the reason ? Or is there some other reasons ? Should we abstain from indulging in recreational sex? Please give stoic advice only.","Because intemperance is the enemy of self-mastery. The stoics weren't anti-sex necessarily, but they did believe that all physical pleasure should be approached with a view towards moderation. ""The soul does violence to itself when it is overpowered by pleasure or by pain."" - Marcus Aurelius ""It is the nature of the wise to resist pleasures, but the foolish to be a slave to them."" - Epictetus ""Let the part of thy soul which leads and governs be undisturbed by the movements in the flesh, whether of pleasure or of pain; and let it not unite with them, but let it circumscribe itself and limit those affects to their parts."" - Marcus Aurelius ""Hold fast, then, to this sound and wholesome rule of life--that you indulge the body only so far as is needful for good health. Eat merely to relieve your hunger; drink merely to quench your thirst; dress merely to keep out the cold; house yourself merely as a protection against personal discomfort."" - Senecca",why were the stoics critical of sexual indulgence?,,general_qa 438,"This has me second guessing myself. I have some life circumstances at the moment where I have had a car accident in august that was bad enough that my car needs substantial repairs. Due to covid they had trouble sourcing parts but was assured they could get them and have the car repaired by October. A few weeks out from that date I rang to ensure everything was on track and was told the manager would ring me back later that day. Four days later I finally get the call and was told that they were on track to have my car fixed early next year without acknowledgement that the car was to be fixed end of October. Fast forward to now and they finally sourced the part last month but have yet to start repairs as they are 'busy' but at the same time confirming my car has been at that shop the longest by a wide margin. I have been toing and froing in my mind about what is in my control and what is not. Obviously I can't help a lot of this situation but I read it as there needs to be a level of assertiveness so that my car gets fixed in a reasonable time, but when I think back to those core stoic principles I'm unsure what is a reasonable amount of assertiveness. A small part of me wants to ring them and really give it to them but that would mostly be unproductive. I'm not necessarily wanting advice on my specific scenario but how you define that line of being a doormat vs being stoic? **Edit: Thanks for all the great replies so far, I'm going to go through them all in a bit and really digest what people are saying.** **I feeI need to clarify. I don't think that stoicism causes you to be a doormat but that being indifferent to things outside your control could cause you to be taken advantage of, so in my example, if I have a relaxed attitude because things may not be in my control (covid, parts availability, they actually are having trouble with scheduling) that they may take advantage of my east going-ness.** **Clarification #2: my particular mess is complicated by the fact I'm going through an insurer and the shop is the preferred repairer. So I don't have the option of changing shops. I've already been down that path.**","Being a stoic doesn't mean being a doormat. It's fine to ask questions and make decisions and refuse what you don't agree with, standing your ground. It just means accepting that there are things outside of your control and not letting them affect your actions in an irrational manner. There are rational and irrational ways to deal with problems.",Where's the line between being stoic and being a doormat?,,general_qa 439,"Long story short. I'm in grad school currently and while here i formed a tight friend group of myself and four others. We hung out often and were very close. Just this morning though I got a text message that the group found some political articles I wrote 5 years ago and now 3 of the 4 friends have decided to cut ties with me completely. I'd hoped that we could all be friends despite any differences but they disagree. I feel completely abandoned by them all and while my first response was the stoic mantra ""it is what it is"" deep down I must admit that I'm feeling very hurt and alone. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.","They learned something about you and decided that their morals and values are no longer aligned with yours. Personally? If my entire group of close friends decided something I did or said was so unforgivable that all of them at once decided to cut me out of the group, I would consider perhaps I'm in the wrong. Like, really put my beliefs to the test. Really listen to what they said to me and absorb it. However even if they don't like something you say or do doesn't give anyone the right to tell you not to say or do something, right or wrong, unless it puts them in danger in some way. People can only control their own actions. Alternatively, if I reflected on what I did or said and found no fault I would accept I've made a bad choice in friends. Friends and companions can come and go over your life because we grow and change as people. ""Above all, keep a close watch on this-- that you are never so tied to your former acquaintances and friends that you are pulled down to their level. If you don't, you'll be ruined. You must choose whether to be loved by these friends and remain the same person, or to become a better person at the cost of those friends . . . if you try to have it both ways you will neither make progress nor keep what you once had."" EPICTETUS https://thewisemind.net/stoic-thoughts-on-friendship/",How do I deal with being abandoned by my friend group,,general_qa 440,"As the title indicates. She was given 5 years. I know I have no control over this. I know everything dies. I keep saying the star wars line. ""Rejoice for those around who turn into the force. Miss them do not. Mourn then do not. Attachment leads to jealousy. The shadow of greed that is"" Yoda Yes I know pop culture is not necessarily the best place to go for advice or wisdom. But something about this rings true for me. I love my mom. All that is good in me began with her. I go see her as often as I can. We live close. And my sister too. I've been through to many family deaths were people are basket cases. I don't want to be that when the end comes. I often think of sending her stoic quotes. But I often wonder if that will help. She understands stoicism. And her husband, the man who raised me. Introduced me to stoic thought. ""Deal with the real"" he always tells me. I'm just looking for some advice. Even if it's shut up and get on with it. With respect. fin","I lost my mom almost two years ago to cancer. She had an 18 month warning before she died via her diagnosis. It sucks that she died and that no modern medicine could help her, but such is life: Death inevitably comes for us all, the only real question is the how and the when? My advice is to spend as much time with your mom as you can, treasure it, take pictures, and enjoy the moments you have left together until there are no more future moments to share. You cant control death, but you can control how you spend your life while you both are still alive.",mom has terminal cancer,,general_qa 441," Hi guys, So a year ago I got a divorce from a 17 year long relationship, I was betrayed for a long time and then cheated on at the end (while I was still trying to 'fix' the relationship). It was rather traumatic but was on a good path to recovery from this event and out of the blue met a great woman and we hit it off straight away. However for the first time in my life, I am now riddled with trust issues. I thought I knew my ex wife, then it turned out she had lied and manipulated me for most of our relationship, she told me I was her world one moment then 2 weeks later was sleeping with her colleague who she told me for years was 'just a friend'. I don't want to bring this stuff to my new relationship but I find it hard to trust and I now get jealous in a way I never did before with my ex. It is like I really love this woman, she is great and I didn't know that they made women like this. But I am so terrified of being cheated on or lied to that I almost cringing waiting for the sucker punch. What is the stoic approach to these issues / what would be the stoic advice for one in my shoes?",Beyond all of the stoic approach I sincerely recommend you to go to therapy... Sometimes the help of an expert is of great aid. Particularly in these situations in which our self-esteem and insecurity are damaged. Best of luck,How to deal with jealousy and insecurity like a stoic after being betrayed?,,general_qa 442,"I left home over twenty years ago but still struggle from lingering effects of the abuses and traumas I experienced. I'm going through therapy, taking meds, practicing gratitude and I'm slowly healing, but I still have much anger and hate, much of it directed at myself. I am seeking wisdom from this group on how to heal and be a better functioning adult. TIA","What happened was not your fault. You are here so I think you may know that much is our of our control other than our thoughts and actions, and even those can be limited. I have a similar experience to you, at least in what it would be labeled. We all have trials in our life. This does not necessarily make you stronger. But it has lead you here, to this moment. Amor Fati. Try to remember, those who we think do us wrong, or do others wrong, are not evil. They are without virtue. They most likely did not do what they did thinking they were doing something so evil. It was probably a learned behavior, or at the least it was something they acclimated to. These are not excuses, but we must seek to understand how we ourselves could get there. Think what may cause you to repeat their actions, had you not sought virtue. It probably isn't that difficult to get there. I wager it's one of the easiest things we can do. To give up, become spiteful, normalize brutish behavior. Know that what has happened, is in the past. It cannot hurt you now save for in memory alone, or in night terrors. It's okay for it to hurt. But if you cannot rid yourself, learn to love that part of you. Forgive yourself this. Lean into that side of you, and get to know it well, and know it is as much of you as the rest of your past. Good and evil are judgements that we alone decide for ourselves. I think a lot of Stoic teachings would point to not saying it's good or evil, simply that it happened. Continue therapy. If you're like me and have PTSD and thus nightmares and poor sleep, ask your psychiatrist or doctor about prazosin. It helped me.",What would be a Stoic's advice to an adult who is still struggling to heal from abuses and traumas from childhood?,,general_qa 443,"I have a girlfriend who I absolutely love. I haven't yet built much of a relationship with her parents due to distance (we originally lived 50 minutes apart, and we've been 3 hours apart for the past 3 months and will be until at least the end of April). To put it simply, her parents suck. They're successful and wealthy and from the outside look like they have it all. But they really suck. My girlfriend has panic attacks semi-frequently, and it's almost always related to her interactions with her family. Her dad is unemotional and distant, and her mom is hyper emotional and explosive. They make my girlfriend feel like shit constantly. At this point, I know I need to build a relationship with her parents for her sake, and for our relationships' sake, and I'd like them to get to know me so when my girlfriend and I move in together (most likely some distance away from both of our families) it won't feel like, from their perspective, that she's moving in with someone they don't know. I'm looking for stoic wisdom on how best to view this sort of situation.","Show them the utmost respect, regardless of your reservations. They are essentially your family while you are with this girl. Bear in mind that they may be ignorant in the sense of virtue; their distasteful character traits would be a result of that. Marcus says that those who offend or wrong us should still be treated with respect, as human beings, for he (in this case, you) are privileged to have a proper understanding of virtue where they do not.",Stoic advice on building relationships with poor quality people?,,general_qa 444,20 year old here. curious to see your answers thought this would be interesting,"Never let the actions or inactions of others cause you to have poisonous passions within. You are not in control of other people, and nor should you be. Control your own mind and your own actions, and do good for the community. Lead by example and make the world a better place through science, law, and art.","if you could give your 20 year old self any one piece of stoic advice, what would you say?",,general_qa 445,"I would like some stoic advice please on how to reframe my thoughts re my relationship with my adult daughter. Simply put I haven't seen her for a year and she never contacts me I have tried many times to message her or suggest meeting up but she always says she is busy. Which she probably is. This last week she has been on a work course literally 5 mins from where I work and I have suggested I pop in to her, or she comes round to me but she has brushed both suggestions off. To say I am hurt is an understatement. And I have no idea what has caused this to happen. I am trying so hard to be pleased that she is well and busy but that is not enough for me, I need some stoic advice to help with this grief. Edit: I am female (my daughters mother), not sure that makes any difference to the principles here, but just saying for clarity","There is always a reason. Try to find it and decide what you want to do about it. Often times kids say why, but parents are like ""that can't possibly be it, what I did wasn't so bad"" well evidently it was to her, and you have to listen if you want to repair the relationship. If she truly hasn't even hinted at anything, then ask yourself what about you can be off putting. Do you have friends? Ask them to point out what it could be. If you don't have friends, ask yourself why not. Basically try to figure out why your company is unpleasant, and makes it pleasant. A therapist can also help objectively point out what you may be missing and give advice after getting to know you better. Focus on the things you can control, and don't waste time on the things you can't. I was ""busy"" for years until I finally got the courage to tell my dad that his anger outbursts were giving me a lot of anxiety. His reaction was to swear at me and hang up. And he still sends me emails about how he doesn't understand what he did wrong and why I don't talk to him regularly.",Coping when your relationship with your child falls apart,,general_qa 446,"Hello, I am a beginner to stoicism. I agree to the practices, but fulfilling them is the difficult part. Could you please provide some recommendations some stoicism books, particularly to cater or address my queries. I feel an amalgamation of emotions that coincide with each other. Subconscious fear of school, doing work to the point I procrastinats. I don't have ambitions of goals to motivate, even if I do, they are momentary and elusive. I just don't do anything productive, only wasting my life as each moment dies. This has not become a problem, until recently. Also, I have implemented practices such as avoiding my friends, as I view them as impediments of me doing my work and not being lazy. This is causing a rift between my friendship with them, which I do not mind if it means that I will not be lazy, but it is not working and my friends don't know. But I realise that this practice is realistically artificial as outside of school I slack off into bad habits. Also, I know that I cannot control how people perceive me, but it's harder in practice. I am not concerned about anything that I should be such as school grades, work my health. I cannot fully immerse myself into that fear. I haven't read any books, only read online articles and videos, as I'm relatively new, but I would like to start off with a book that can cater these prominent issues for me.","As others have said, don't neglect your friends unless they're actually making you a worse person. They can't make you lazy. Only you control your actions or lack of, so if you want to get something done and they're wasting time then just tell them ""sorry but I need to do this now"". It's not ignoring them or attacking their character, just setting boundaries for yourself. It sounds like you're a school student. As a teacher I'm sure you are surrounded by opportunities to try stuff and do stuff right now. Try a club at lunch that you've never considered. Invite your friends to it as well and if they don't want to you can meet new people who might share your values. Talk to your own teachers more after or outside of lessons. They probably aren't stoics but they have empathy and the wisdom of experience. They can give you advice if you're finding work hard and suggest ways to learn more and feel more productive. They care about you more than you expect. Think carefully about what you do throughout the day. Literally write down what you do each hour or 30 minutes and identify what things you feel are a waste of time. Then choose a thing that you could be doing at any of those moments which isn't a waste. Maybe revising school work, maybe a hobby, maybe some exercise. Now every time you catch yourself wasting time tell yourself ""This is a waste of my time, I should be doing X"" You don't need a life plan. You're allowed to get it wrong sometimes. Make your ambition to be a better you than you were yesterday. Then everyday you get closer to who you'd rather be. Happy Christmas","Stoic advice on laziness, fear, no motivation, no ambition, concerned too much about other people",,general_qa 447,"She deals with depression and takes a myriad of pills for various issues. She's overweight (probably obese) and pretty much only eats junk. She comes home, goes upstairs, turns on the TV, and rarely leaves her bed. She snacks the whole time or eats giant amounts of ice cream and other junk. She used to ask me to bring snacks and soda to her, but rarely does anymore due to me refusing and us getting into an argument. One time I refused to go get her a pizza, and she was furious. I basically told her that if she was going to drive her health into the ground, I wasn't going to help her, and that I was doing this out of love because what she's doing is bad for her. I was called a bitch, she took my car keys, and accused me of being ungrateful and acting like I know everything. I asked for her perspective and why she was getting so angry, but didn't get an answer. She's sick now, and it's up to me to take care of her (I'm 17), which means bringing her food, which is of course garbage. I offer to make her things and she doesn't want them. I honestly cried today getting her a meal because I felt like I was helping her early demise and her misery. Every time I get her something unhealthy I feel like I'm actively hurting her. I've tried to get her to go to fitness classes with me, I've offered to give her recipe ideas, I've offered to give her the food I make, but she always chooses her current lifestyle and wonders why she's starting to feel bad all the time. Every time she's on the verge of deciding to be healthier I offer my full support, but in the end it goes back to the way it's always been. I don't know what to do. I'll hopefully be moving out at some point in the next year or two, but until then, I'm here worrying about her and secretly hoping she doesn't ask me to get her something. I don't know how to approach this situation from a stoic perspective. Refusing to help her be miserable has direct consequences on my life and drives rifts between us. ​ Edit: There are quite a few replies here, so I might not answer them all at once, but know that I've read them all. Thank you all for your advice ",Unfortunately at the end of the day if people choose not to be helped they cannot be helped. Do not let her attitude flood into your life. Love her and live virtuously and maybe she will follow suit but if not this is not up to you and you must let go of the idea that it is.,My mother is destroying her health and is guilt-tripping me into helping,,general_qa 448,"I think I sexually abused my own little brother when I was younger and I cant move on. I am a 23 year old guy. Fuck, I don't even know how to write an intro. I am just desperate for help, advice, anything. I have had a very very rough year. I have a younger brother, he is about 7 years younger than me. We have a good relationship, he has always seen me as his big brother, the one that he looks up to. When we were younger he used to sometimes sleep in my bed, because we both enjoyed that or whatever, i dont even remember. There is one thing that I remember from this time. I think I was 14 years old at the time. He mustve been 6 or 7. I have no explanation for this, but for some reason I was super curious how it would be to have sex, and how that would feel etc. So one night when my brother and I were sleeping together, I pulled down his pants while he was asleep and tried to penetrate him. I'm pretty sure I didn't ""force"" because I didn't want to wake him up, so I am pretty sure that there was never any penetration. When I did this however, he woke up though, or maybe he was not even asleep. He seemed upset asked me what I was doing, and I felt scared and emberassed. I immediately realized I fucked up big time. I told him I was just joking around, and that I would never do it again. It was never mentioned again. About a year after this had happened, i was probably 15 at this point, I had a panic attack out of nowhere. It was like I suddenly realized I had actually done something VERY bad. Like, I didn't realize before. The thought that I may have abused my own little brother made my world collapse. He is the one that I am supposed to protect, the one that he is supposed to look up to, and now I did this to him? I felt constant guilt, shame and anxiety. This lasted for about a year. School went to shit, etc. But for some reason, and I dont exactly remember how this happened, I just kind of got to live with it. It didnt bother me as much, and I realised I was probably overreacting as he might not even remember it, and even if he did, he might not think anything of it other than just an awkward moment, not as 'abuse'. I just convinced myself it wasnt a big deal. I lived normally, and school starting going well again. I went to university, and the first year was amazing. Things were looking up. Then, 4 years ago, I was driving home from the gym, and all of a sudden this thought entered my mind again. Within a split second all the feelings that i had before came back. I had a massive panic attack. I wanted to die. The guilt. The shame. Everything came back. Ever since that moment, this is all I can think about. I havent been to university in about 3 years, my days are spent trying to distract myself by playing videogames. Any moment that i am left alone with my mind, this is all i cant think about. All i can think about is the guilt, and i question all the time if this will affect him. That's basically where all the anxiety stems from; the fear that he will remember, and that it will impact him. I dont really know what to do. It's been a year, and even though some days are better than others, this is still unbearable. I feel like i will never get over this unless i talk to him about this, but then im afraid that talking about it might actually trigger something for him. Idk, im just so anxious. I am so sorry. It feels like this will always be a big factor in my life. That I'll never get over it. Right now I am not functioning at all and no idea how to accept this. Any help is much appreciated.","I m a teacher and I spent most of last year in a grade 8 class. Let me tell you, that's the age where they do lots of really stupid things. It's peak stupidity IMO. So you aren't alone with that. You did something stupid a decade ago when you were a minor. You feel bad about it, and it's probably good you feel bad about it, but it's not something that should destroy your life now. As mentioned you should seek a therapist. I bet they would help. Never hurts to read Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. Why not. For the record, I don't think you are a bad person by the sounds of it. Kids do stupid things.","I cant deal with this guilt. Please, any Stoic advice?",,general_qa 449,"My Grandfather was not really the talking type but I've always understood him my grandfather is Somali and was born out in no man's land he never really talked a lot but when he did I always listened he told me a very useful advice idk if there is something stoic about it but if so tell me Back in 2018 when I was 13 he told me something in Somali and I remember it he said ""we plan our entire life way before we even know what life is like and we never really knew that life never goes our way and it's one of the best and worst thing depending on how it works for you when your life doesn't go your way you sometimes find it beautiful that it doesn't since it leads you to something that you could've never imagined"" I think my grandpa is stoic but I couldn't find anything on what he told me is there something like this?","Profound. The only words that come to mind are from Epictetus : ""It is impossible for a man to learn what he thinks he already knows."" -- Epictetus",Words from my grandfather who was born in 1942,,general_qa 450,"The way I understand stoicism is that uncontrollable things happen to humans and we must learn to bear it with grace. But does the philosophy apply to our mistakes? 7 years ago I made a huge mistake that caused my fall from a very high paying career. I was depressed and had ADHD, but I didn't know this back then. Now I'm trying to put my life back together. The path forward for me now is harsh but no matter what I do, ill never make it back to the heights I used to be in. Knowing I had full control over my life and still made mistakes is something Im struggling to be stoic about. Does anybody have advice?","You may have had control at the time but you don't have control over those events *now*. The ship has already sailed. All you can control now is your commitment to not repeating past mistakes and making amends however appropriate, if other people (or even if you alone) were negatively affected. You can control/influence your own forgiveness of yourself, but you can't control others' forgiveness. Sometimes we apologise and make amends as best we can and those apologies and amends won't be accepted by those we've wronged, but it's still within our control to learn to accept that.",How to be stoic about past mistakes that you had total control over?,,general_qa 451,"I recently bumped into an old friend of mine. A few minutes after we met, she launched into a rant about her heavy workload in school and her unforgiving teachers. Before I had discovered Stoicism, I would usually mirror people's behavior and try to find something to complain about my day too, or maybe sympathize with her by telling her that she was definitely in the right. But now that I know that venting about my problems and participating in unhealthy gossip doesn't do anyone good, I have no idea how to respond to encounters like this. She was not looking for advice (she was complaining about something she could not control) and I had no idea how to comfort her without seeming insensitive or preachy. Have you guys experienced this sort of situation before? How did you deal with it in a Stoic way?",Be strict on yourself not the others.,How do you handle other people's complaining in a Stoic manner?,,general_qa 452,"Hello, I typically laugh off harsh criticism and let it escape my mind, however, there are certain days and moments where it gets to me and burdens my mind more than it should. Any stoic advice y'all have to advise me to productively move on from it? Thank you.","Consider the source. Would you regard the cawing of a scrub jay as serious? Honest feedback from someone you respect is worth examining; jaw-flapping from some random yahoo in your vicinity, not so much.",How to disregard hateful rhetoric (trash talk) you are receiving?,,general_qa 453,"**EDIT / Disclaimer:** I'm not looking for quotes or theoretical advice, but rather interested to know how you personally handle this kind of stuff and if you manage to stay truly stoic at all times. Misinformation and hate are peaking. The world is more divided than ever. People seem to be getting more stupid, although there is an abundance of knowledge available. Even the educated people are going crazy. We seem to be heading into a version of WW3. AI developments are leading us into an unknown we don't control. etc. I'm not a scholar of stoicism, but have been somewhat abiding by its principles. The more I spend time thinking about stuff the more desperate and nihilistic I become. Feels like the only way to stay sane is to move somewhere in the woods, buy some land and live there. How are you guys doing it?","You have power over your mind - not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength. ...Marcus Aurelius",How many of you manage to stay truly stoic during these times and how?,,general_qa 454,"Hi all. I'm the one who made the poll about buying the leather bound Meditations. I'm a big Ryan Holiday fan. I read all his books, and I credit the Obstacle is the Way with helping me get the strength to pull myself out of personal devastation last year. Now I use and recommend the ""Obstacle is the Way"" approach to solve any problem. I also read other popular Stoic books, am working my way through the ancient texts, and do ""Aurelius Journaling"" where I pick a random passage from Meditations every day and journal about. I am a committed Stoic, understand the principles, but know I have a lot to learn, so I come on r/stocism to learn, and many of you have been generous with the gift of your time to teach me, so thanks to the community. That's me. I know Ryan Holiday is controversial on here, and I spent a lot of time defending him. Maybe I feel that I should because he book helped me so much. Today's Daily Stoic e-mail was about how you don't need much money to be happy, that you should enjoy free or inexpensive things, and it's a waste of time to spend all your time working to earn money to buy luxuries. He passed on the advice of rock star Warren Zevon, (of Werewolves of London fame) when told he has terminal cancer, suggested to ""enjoy every sandwhich."" He said this reminds us of the Stoic moto of Momento Mori.....then he pushed the reader to buy his $30 Momento Mori coin (which I bought before). Therefore, I like to ask the community if we could have an open minded discussion on if Ryan Holiday is a hypocrite. He is weathky and lives on a gigantic ranch, and while he posts practical tips to have work-life balance and says he makes time for his young children everyday, he must work more than 40 hours a week and spend a lot of time away from home a week with how prolific he is with his writing and videos, promoting his work, running a physical bookstore, running his online store, and traveling the county for speaking engagements. We all need to earn a living, and I have no problem with wealthy people. Ryan has already made more than I will make in my lifetime. Retiring early I believe is unhealthy. But if he is truly not into making as much money as possible, why doesn't just writer books, which I'm sure would be a full time job, and quit all these sides gigs? If he makes less money, he can still live an above average lifestyle. That's what I know about him and the questions I ask I pose to the community, to get a debate on the table with this prompt: ""Is Ryan Holiday a hypocrite for teaching the value of not working too hard and enjoying inexpensive things, while he works a lot more than needed and lives a luxury lifestyle?""","Concerning ourselves or speculating what/why other people say and do, in general, isn't a particularly Stoic thing ;) If he puts the concept of Stoic philosophy out there for people to consider and see if it works for them, I think that's a good thing. How much money he might make off of it or what his hourly schedule is - I couldn't care less.",Ryan Holiday Debate,,general_qa 455,"I'm confusing myself to the point where I feel I one day might become clinically insane. I'm overall a pretty confident dude, but in EVERY SINGLE interaction I'm involved in, I feel forced to play it 'strategically' in hopes to be enjoyed by the other person, especially women. Even a simple 'hi' feels like I'm being tested... As if it's a game. I always feel like I need to have the perfect response in the moment, otherwise I'm not worthy. I need some stoic advice to detach myself from my ego or fear of rejection or whatever the hell it is that I'm facing. I'm open to any and all advice, no matter how harsh it may be, I just want to be set free. Sometimes I feel like I wished I was dumb, only because the smart overthink and create their own troubles, even though they may not necessarily be real.","Tell the truth in everything you say, so when the time comes you will never ever face hardship",I'm trapped in my head,,general_qa 456,"So many posts here come from a place of wisdom and optimism. This isn't one (sorry). But I hope someone can either relate or provide me some wisdom. I want to want to say I'm a good stoic. I've followed it's principles for years and keep a copy of the Enchiridion on my desk which I read in Greek. But this past year I've suffered from debilitating bladder issues in my early 30s. My dream trip to Rome I ended up having to accomplish wearing a diaper. It's caused me to always feel anxious and doomed. I know that my body is one of those things ""not in my control"", but now that it feels like it's turned against me I find myself no longer able to withhold from ""finding fault"". As much as I want to say ""it's nothing to me"" it feels empty now when it rules my moment to moment. Then this week I've had a bad case of what's probably just stomach flu. It's getting slowly better snd I've seen the doctor. But with everything going on, I feel hyper-anxious it's connected to my underline issue or that I'll develop a chronic stomach issue like my mom. Don't worry I'm not looking for medical advice here but practical. I simply feel like when I read Stoic works now ... it goes in one ear and out the other. I put it down and just start worrying again. Now that my body seems to be set against me, I can't seem to push past it no matter how hard I try. Any advice or comfort is most welcomed. Thanks to anyone that read my full post.","I've been here as well. The only thing that benefited me during this time are the following: 1) Doing systems check on things that are still good. Eyes can still see? Check. Legs can still walk? Check. I'm grateful for the things that are still good and know it could be worse. 2) Do my best to find the cause of my ailment and do everything in my power to get it fixed. This may mean lots of research, visit to teaching hospitals, Mayo Clinic, etc. 3) Remind myself this may not be forever, things can be fixed or improve on their own. Sometimes things that alluded you and doctors for years is the answer. Keep looking. I just want to say best of luck with this. Chronic illnesses steal from your life. I had chronic pain from a pelvic disorder for nearly a decade. Completely changed the direction of my life. Best of luck to you.",Being chronically sick has made my practice 100x harder,,general_qa 457,"Good day all I have been studying stoicism for about 2 years now but have recently faced legitimate struggles and I would appreciate any concrete practices to stay stoic during these tough times. ​ So the context being that I stay in South Africa, I have had many personal struggles (like everyone) and those have been handled fairly well. But the current situation in South Africa is that our power grid is failing with rolling blackouts being a permanent fixture. A week ago we were without power for multiple timeslots adding up to 10.5 hours daily without power. Obviously, this is terrible for a country with a already struggling economy and makes the overall outlook quite bleak. I would appreciate any \*practical\* advice on how to stay stoic during this? I understand that none of this is in my control, so I should not let it bother me on such a fundamental level where I can't sleep at night. But I cannot see myself starting a family in this country with the future being so unsure. I look around at the people of my country and I feel a deep sadness and hopelessness inside me. Any advice/anecdotal experience/writings on the matter would be greatly appreciated.",">I would appreciate any \*practical\* advice on how to stay stoic during this? I understand that none of this is in my control, so I should not let it bother me It really is a shame that so many people say this, because if people are telling you ""don't let it bother you"" they don't comprehend the dichotomy of control - you cannot *instruct* a person to feel one way or another, because we control our reasoning but not our conclusions. You have reasoned that the situation is so dire that it's not even worth going to sleep - you believe that it's at a point where constant vigilance is required to secure your future. Ok, so you've assessed that you need extra time at night to plan. Well, what are you achieving in that time? Are you writing anything down? Are you investigating anything? If not, then the immediate problem is that you don't productively use the time you've assessed you need to take, so buy a pen and paper (it sounds like a computer is likely to flick off due to a power cut anyway) and start organising your thoughts into something resembling an analysis of the situation and what your options are. Make that your mission tonight - don't try to make yourself sleep, because if you assess that you need to be vigilant more than to sleep, you simply won't be able to sleep. But by writing nothing down and complaining about the feeling the assessment produces, you stop the task ever being ""done"" - if you were systematic and productive in the time you're taking to stay awake, you might find the task of planning what your move is would be ""done"" relatively quickly.",Staying stoic in a crumbling country,,general_qa 458,"I discovered this subreddit about 3 days ago, and I've been reading as much as I can, but I still need advice. 9 months ago, my wife began behaving differently. She was introduced to a new ""friend"" by a former co-worker. 62 days ago, I saw a video, where this new ""friend"" casually sexually assaulted my wife, and my wife wasn't bothered by it. I was bothered by it. We had a ""calm"" fight and I accused her of cheating on me. My wife told me that she was not cheating on me, but she was unhappy, and had several regrets about our marriage. She has been the love of my life for 14 years, and given me 2 beautiful children. I would do anything for her, and for my family. She had absolutely no interest in counseling. So like an idiot, I broke up with her, or ""returned her"", so that she may find happiness with her ""friend"". It has been 62 days. I can report, that my wife is indeed very happy with her ""friend"". I wish I could say I was happy for her, that I am happy that I was able to do something for her happiness, but I am not. With all the stoic principles that I've been studying, I'm still crying every day. Aurelius, Epictetus, and Seneca's words are in my head, but none of it is helping. My therapist finds it interesting that I seem to still be infatuated with my wife, as if the ""honeymoon phase"" never ended. I've heard ""Time heals all wounds"" so many times, I've rolled my eyes until I became dizzy. I have friends, I exercise, I play with my children, I have a full-time job, and it still hurts. Maybe someone reading this has the ""magic phrase"" or analogy to snap me out of this ""whatever"" I'm feeling.","You actually did exceedingly well - your wife was determined to lie about the affair she was having with this person, and you saw through it and did the appropriate thing even though she was actively trying to deceive you. It's a shame you say ""Like an idiot I broke up with her"", because actually you behaved in a distinctly non-idiotic way - you chose to be single rather than choosing to be a cuckold, which demonstrated the virtues of courage and justice. This is the essence of Stoicism. Your problem now is that you're still thinking about your wife - you've ""half"" chosen to leave and are half thinking about somehow resurrecting the relationship. You will begin to feel progressively better when you firmly fix in your mind that your course forward is ""establish a new life as a single person"". Here's a quick hack that'll get you there faster - during your next therapy session, make a pledge to yourself not to mention your wife a single time (and, if you mention her accidentally, say ""actually I don't want to talk about that""). Instead, focus the entire session on nothing except ""how to go about setting up my own life away from my wife, and conducting the divorce"".",Marriage Separation,,general_qa 459,"I've accepted that I'm going to be single forever and I'm wondering if there's any stoic perspective on how to cope with such a fundamental human desire being thwarted forever. P.S. please to answer the actual question and not give me dating advice.","Epictetus may serve as a role model for you. He never married and had no children. In later life he adopted a child and hired a woman to help care for her. As far as we can tell, he invested his life fully in teaching Stoicism. Other people who never married and yet led significant lives include Jane Austen, Beethoven, Isaac Newton, Queen Elizabeth I, Florence Nightingale and Nikola Tesla. I knew someone who lived and died without ever finding the relationship happiness she was looking for. It does happen, but it doesn't mean your life has to be miserable and meaningless.","Does stoicism offer any advice on coping with being ""forever alone""?",,general_qa 460,"I've been going through a rough patch at university, and I wouldn't say I'm being bullied, but the teasing and making fun that I have to endure is starting to cross a line. Let me explain. This will take a while. I have to deal with boys at class who make fun of my language accent (my native language is not my first language; I'm not fluent in it). I had a private education while they had a public one, so they poke fun at me for that. I'm the Class Prefect, of a sort, so they make fun that who chose ME of all people to be a Prefect. I've tried staying Stoic. A few days ago, I was sitting quietly in class during break and minding my own business when one of the boys came to me and asked me if I was okay and if he ever said anything that hurt me. Naturally, I thought he wanted to make amends and said it was all good. Not even a minute passed and he started making fun of me in front of the entire class on my English accent. I wanted to pummel him so bad, but I stayed quiet. This morning, I got in trouble with the teacher for something the same boy and a few others did that they blamed on me (I won't go into details), and the teacher was convinced I was involved being the Class Prefect. I exposed the boy and said that he was the one who did it, which my teacher didn't believe, and which gave the boys an opportunity to tease and make fun of me even more. My parents have said that the only way to deal with this is to show them I'm not bothered, take part in their jokes and fun, and they'll back off. I understand where they're coming from, and this advice would probably work with other boys, but these ones are SPECIAL cases. I'm torn between trying my parents' advice and staying Stoic. The truth is, what else could Stoicism instruct me to do? I've tried staying quiet, when one of them holds me on the arm or shoulder for too long, I politely tell them to remove it. I've stayed unsmiling, and stayed far away from them as possible. But I still need help, or advice if I'm doing something wrong. Please help.","The Stoics tell us to look for the nature or *logos* of things. That means understanding why things are happening and what makes them work. Most young men aren't too different from dogs, in the sense that they have a pack hierarchy which constantly has to be reinforced through acts of aggression and submission. Your role in this situation probably has nothing to do with you personally, although the fact that you have status (as class prefect) probably makes you a target. It sounds like you might have a higher socioeconomic status, too, which also makes you a target. It also sounds like you don't have any kind of support network around you to back you up, so this also makes you an attractive target. Basically, you can think about what's happening to you as a form of economic exchange. The boys are taking a minimal risk (i.e. of you retaliating, or them getting in trouble) in bothering you, and you are giving them a source of emotional drama which they're using to validate and confirm their status amongst each other. Given that nature of the situation, your options are to either make the risk too expensive, or make the social reward for bothering you too little.",What is the Stoic approach to bullies?,,general_qa 461,"I've been feeling behind in life lately. I see my friends in college getting internships left and right, getting work where I seem to be struggling to find even a part-time job. How would the Stoic handle 1) the feeling of envy and being left behind by people who seem to be making more progress 2) the lowered self-worth and panic that comes with that 3) fears of the future?","I'm 42. Made a lot of bad decisions, struggled with mental illness, and had some bad luck. I am still here and most of the time I am okay. There is no one worth trying to impress anymore. I don't need to be approved of by anyone. I don't care how anyone judges me. Call me a loser. Whatever. Fine. So I'm a loser. Will that be all? Okay then. Why are you envious? Do you think if you had what they had, it would be ""enough"" or would you crave even more? You would find someone else to envy even if your financial stats were up and CV looked nicer. You would crave the next step up. And the next. You can go your whole career clawing, fighting your way up and at the end of 40 years of being a miserable cunt, you think you'll be able to switch all that off and allow yourself to be happy. Flip the switch now if you can do it. As for the rest, trust in yourself to survive. You're an adult, you'll figure it out.",Stoic advice on feeling behind,,general_qa 462,"This happens to me many times. I tend to forget my stoic ideas and values easily in a matter of few days. Then I remember on a random day ""oh damn, I was following stoicism, almost forgot."" When this happens, I go back to stoicism related articles and renew the knowledge again, the loop continues. I need advice to remember stoic values for a long time. Its starting to get a little stressful. [also, I'm quite new to stoicism]",">When this happens, I go back to stoicism related articles and renew the knowledge again, the loop continues. Then the simplest solution is to read Stoicism-related articles every day. You can also make it a practice to read one Discourse of Epictetus, or one letter by Seneca every day and reflect on them.",Advice when you feel like you're out of touch with your stoic values.,,general_qa 463," I just moved out alone and started a real job, 8-16 every day. I find myself being lonely often at night, this makes me more often use cannabis as a relief. Not being in a relationship with someone makes me feel empty and stuck in past relationships, which only strengthens the feeling of loneliness. I know that a stoic would and should not rely on other people to make him/her feel content in life, but I lack the mindfulness to incorporate this philosophy. I'm 25 and feel I've missed all opportunities to find a romantic partner, I know this is irrational. but I'm looking for some advice on how to tackle the feeling of loneliness. Currently reading discourses but having trouble understanding some of it. If someone has a specific passage from the book they would like to share their interpretation on, what would be great Edit: Hey guys thank you so much for all the great responses, I truly appreciate it and hope others can find comfort in some of the replies. I will answer the remaining comments tomorrow 23/09, hope you all have a amazing night","I don't think you should romanticize the idea of being in a relationship. A relationship will not fix your issues. If loneliness is your problem, then the solution is simple. Seek out some social hobby. Join a local sports team. Volunteer somewhere, join a board game group etc. A relationship is not the only cure for loneliness.",Loneliness and constant fear of never finding a partner,,general_qa 464,"I'm 23 years old. I just recently had bloodwork taken. My doctor called me and mentioned my levels are on the lower side at 390. The average man my age has around 650-700. I will admit that I do have a bit of a feminine side to me. I didn't have a father figure growing up. My mom was my role model. She is genuinely such an incredible woman. She's a teacher, and goes through massive extents for others. Hence why Seneca's quote of ""You must live for others if you wish to live for yourself"" resonates with me heavily. I feel embarrassed to have lower testosterone levels. I have come here to get insight from the Stoic community. I would greatly appreciate anyone who can provide me advice.","Does missing an arm make you less of a man? Missing a leg? >I will admit that I do have a bit of a feminine side to me. both physical genders have masculine and feminine traits in them. even down to testosterone and estrogen: men and women have both. you have internalized some rather harmful notions about masculinity but the good news is that masculinity has been evolving past the brutish primitive view of ""what it means to be a man"" for some time now.",Does having lower testosterone levels make me less of a man?,,general_qa 465,"Some days I talk too much and annoy people around me. Its starting to become a habit, I know talking is in my control, but sometimes I can't help it. Any stoic advice to deal with this ?","Maybe before you talk you can think to yourself, ""is the person going to find this story interesting? Would i find this interesting?"" 8 times out of 10 the answer is probably no, at least for me it is.",Stoic advice for someone who talks excessively.,,general_qa 466,"I tend to assume the worst case scenario in the majority of situations I'm in. I don't know why I do this, but for quite some time this is how my brain operates. For example, last week I met a really nice girl at an event and we exchanged phone numbers. I sent her a message asking if she wanted to meet up for a drink sometime, and she never responded (even 2-3 days later), so I naturally assumed she wasn't interested. Stoicism helped me with this, as I told myself ""So what if she's not interested? How does that affect you? You did what you could, now forget about it and move on."" But today she sent me a message apologizing for the lack of response, as she had a busy weekend, and she expressed enthusiasm at meeting for a drink. The entire time I was following the false perception generated by my brain, that she wasn't interested - because I assumed that based on the characteristics of the situation, as anyone would. How do I overcome this? The Stoics say to view reality through an objective lens, without any misperceptions, but my entire life I've formed conclusions without necessarily having all the evidence - don't we all do that to varying degrees? Isn't it pattern recognition or something; an evolutionary mechanism? Would appreciate some advice!","I'd say assuming the worst case scenario can be the best thing you can do. We call it the premeditation of evils. It lets you prepare for the worst. That gives you confidence to deal with such a scenario if it should arise. When it doesn't arise, you've already braced for worse and can enjoy the ""easier"" experience. It was one way, now it's another. It was raining, now it's not. That's life. You can have no opinions about these things or ""reserve judgment"". Leave it at what has occurred. Just state the fact of the situation and move on. The same event could be interpreted many ways. If they had interest ""they'd make time to reply"". The inverse, ""they're clearly interested, they didn't have to send you a message"". Why go through them all? Even with what you did do, just reevaluate once the situation changes. You can be flexible. Act rightly in the scenario that presents itself, let that be enough. In this way, we don't need to prepare because we always have the tool for the job, our reason. It's origin isn't all that necessary. The Stoics wrote such useful techniques without our modern theories. If we can find something better, great. Follow your curiosity but don't assume it's necessary to change what's occurring. Of course take what is useful and discard the rest.",How do I stop assuming the worst in situations?,,general_qa 467,"My mother was a psychopath narcissist. She literally stole my childhood. Every penny that was meant for her children she stole because her whole marriage to a relatively wealthy guy was a scam to siphon money into a retirement fund. She literally treated motherhood like it was a job she had to do and very poorly at that. She took yearly holidays with the money she stole. Anyway, long story short, she ruined my childhood. I'm not a normal person in terms of social interaction and always felt 10 years behind my peers in development. I'm in my mid-40s now and going to regular therapy. I try to practice gratitude for my life but I get constant reminders still of how much I lost. In addition to her stealing, she was also physically, verbally abusive and practically imprisoned us in our house. Being threatened murder for the smallest things was normal. I'm trying my best to focus now on the present, but there are times when I get extremely angry that I picture violently murdering that woman or desperately wishing her dead. I know it's not healthy and I'm still allowing her to hurt me. What would a stoic advise to someone like me?","Hi Onyx. I experienced child abuse too, and my advice is not to attempt Stoicism yet. It sounds like you're in a stage of processing your anger and grief about your experiences. That's going to suck for a while, but you've got to get through it before you can get past it. Terms like forgiveness, letting go, moving on are going to be pie in the sky for you right now, and that's ok. You're asking how to run a marathon on a broken leg. Get the leg fixed first, then come back and see about some training. Stoicism will still be here.",What is a Stoic's advice for someone who experienced child abuse?,,general_qa 468,"So a few weeks ago my ex girlfriend broke up with me out of the blue, totally took me by surprise and has left me in a situation that makes me feel sort of hopeless.....but I know I will come out of this,I have power over my mind and not outside events, I am Just looking for a bit more advice and some words of encouragement from my fellow stoics. So here we go... Me and my girlfriend had agreed that I would move into her house as I live 45-minute drive away from where she lives, we made a plan and i started to put the pieces into place to put the plan into action, over the part of 3 months I made my plan of action and started to think about the future of us together, like what type of job would I be looking out for, what kinda stuff will I cook her for dinner....just all that kind of stuff you think about when taking a relationship to the next level, it was my chance to look after her and make her feel totally looked after. I was so excited about everything, me leaving my job of 11 year's that I hated, me moving out of my hometown to be with the love of my life...or so I thought. Everything was perfect, there wasn't a ripple in the water to tell me that she was thinking about leaving me, like literally nothing, her communication didn't change, her response to text messages didn't change, it was perfect like it has been for the past 13 months. Usually us guys kind of get an inclination that's something is wrong, you know when you say "" is everything ok ? You been really quiet the last few weeks and you don't seem yourself "" that usually leads into the discussion on her end about the breakup but that never happened because she showed no signs of unhappiness or distress about being in a relationship with me..... literally nothing at all. We celebrated her 30th birthday together on a Saturday and we went to a karaoke bar with her friends and family again noting seemed out of question we had amazing time and had an amazing day the next day just kind of having a lazy day and talking about her birthday party, again everything was normal. 2 days later it's Monday and I handed in my 2 week notice of leave to my boss and told him I'm leaving to move out to my girlfriend, he was happy for me and wishes me the best of luck, I am now so fuckin happy that the end is in sight for this job and the next chapter of my life is about to start. The next day ( Tuesday ) is my own 30th birthday, we were supposed to do something on that coming weekend for my birthday because it fell on a Tuesday and the two of us were working, she called me that night for a birthday chat and said "" we can do literally anything you want to do on the weekend for your birthday "".....again everything was completely normal and I was excited to celebrate my 30th birthday and me leaving my job with her on that Saturday coming. So, here we are, it's now Saturday morning, I arrive to her house, excited to go for dinner later for my birthday, I chat to her and her mom for a bit, she heads up to her room to get changed, after a while I head on up to her to see what she is at, I lay on the bed beside her and we chat for a few minutes.......... something feels off, I ask her "" are you ok, is everything alright "" She drops it on me that she doesn't think we are the right match for one another, I just sit there completely speechless.....not a word could I speak, I was in the same shock that I was in when my father passed away and I got that phone call to say "" dad's gone man "" I'm now about 4 weeks and a bit out of the break up, I have used my stoic teachings to realize that I do not own anybody and that any given time I have to give things back to the whole without question. That this is my faith, as painful as it is this is what my destiny is. But the thing is I am now jobless and broken hearted and I'm finding it very hard to focus, some days I focus on trying to find work and getting myself outside for a hike to clear my mind, and some other days I just can't get out of bed because I am dealing with the breakup side of this situation. it is like a double edge sword, one situation is just as hard as the order situation and trying to unpack it all is becoming a little bit hard. So I am asking my fellow stoics what would you recommend that I do in this situation and what insights can you give me that will help me along my path to recovery and to mending my broken heart. I'm dealing with two things, I'm dealing with being heartbroken and I'm dealing with low self-esteem about finding a job.....I'm really stressed about finding a job, I mean she could have ended things before I left my job ya know.....kinda a shit thing to do to someone. Any and all advice is welcome and I appreciate any help given. Thanks you","It sounds like your girlfriend had reservations about the relationship that she either didn't communicate or that you didn't hear. My guess is that the things she had committed to didn't become ""real"" to her until she was about to pull the trigger, and that is when she began to feel her doubts more acutely. Stoicism is all about reframing the events to your benefit. We cannot choose events, but we can choose how we think about them. The facts are that the relationship is over and you are without a job. Your imagined future is going to be different. That doesn't mean it will be bad \- that depends on how you look at it. On the plus side, you didn't move in with the girlfriend, live together for a year or two, and *then* have her suddenly end the relationship, which may have been more painful. You are not committed to the new location now and are free to find a new, better job, perhaps in a new area that you never would have considered if you were in that relationship. In five years you may look back at this as the fork in the road that let you have new experiences that led you to the person you were to become.",Being Stoic during a break up,,general_qa 469,"Today I need to choose a project of my scholarship program in college. I really dont know what to get and just that single thought makes me want to quit and have a burnout. I have constant panic or anxiety attacks about how Im going to deal with this and that. I entered to another project of a friend of mine a couple of weeks ago, and I feel kind of worried of not giving it my attention. Also I want to be better at school, build better habits, courses, and overall a more healthy life. I use notion as my software for more time management, but sometimes I feel I dont know how to say no, and even though I feel involucrated in a lot of good stuff, I feel my life as empty and shallow, also due to comparisons of others life and highlights. Any Stoic Advice, how can i eeally manage my time correctly by Stoicisim and how can I live my life plentiful with the life Im building? Thanks","First of all... You're suffering a bit right now right? Great! # Recognize the value of hardship Stoics believed that hardship can help us develop resilience and strength. Rather than avoiding difficult situations, embrace them as opportunities for growth and learning. Remember that the challenges you face today can help you become a better and more virtuous person in the long run. # Practice gratitude You're having a hard time right now, sure. Rather than focusing on what you lack, try to appreciate what you have. Take time each day to reflect on the good things in your life, such as your health, relationships, and opportunities. This can help you develop a more positive and fulfilling outlook. You're in college. You got a scholarship. That is awesome. # On saying ""no"" >*""I entered to another project of a friend of mine a couple of weeks ago, and I feel kind of worried of not giving it my attention.""* \- You ​ >*""I feel I don't know how to say no, and even though I feel involucrated in a lot of good stuff""* \- You While it can be difficult to turn down opportunities, it's important to recognize that your time and energy are limited. Prioritize the activities that align with your goals and values, and learn to politely decline invitations or requests that do not. Nothing prevents you from reaching out to your friend and simply saying: ""I feel guilty for not spending any time on your project, in hindsight, I shouldn't have agreed to help as I'm feeling a little overwhelmed and I need to prioritize differently the next couple of weeks."" Honesty is best rather than let your friend jump to conclusions. # On Anxiety >""*Today I need to choose a project of my scholarship program in college. I really dont know what to get and just that single thought makes me want to quit and have a burnout. I have constant panic or anxiety attacks about how Im going to deal with this and that.""* \- You You may want to see a therapist for 3-5 hours total to cover the basics of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) to learn how to cope with your anxiety and panic attacks. CBT finds its roots in Stoic Philosophy in the sense that it is based on the notion that emotions follow from thoughts. Impression of a situation -> Judgement of the situation -> Emotions. As such, the problem is not the emotion... nor the situation, but your judgement of it. Stoicism makes the claim that your judgement is irrational. Its hard to change that while you're in the midst of a crisis, hence why a therapist may be of help to just teach you some mindfulness and breathing techniques so you can take back control. # On picking a project >*""Today I need to choose a project of my scholarship program in college. I really dont know what to get and just that single thought makes me want to quit""* \- You Irrational judgements of situations lead to irrational aversions of situations. You want to quit because you want to avoid choosing. You want to avoid choosing because you don't want to make a bad decision and live with the consequences. Relax! You should not quit. What you should do is accept that you cannot always control the outcome of your actions and you need to go with the flow as new problems pop-up. Stoics believed in the importance of accepting events as they are, rather than trying to fight against them. Accept that there is a possibility of negative outcomes, and **focus on what you can control in the decision-making process**. 1. Identify the decision you need to make and what your options are. 2. Gather information about your options in the time you have. This may involve some research or talking to mentors and peers. 3. Write down the pros and cons of each option. 4. Make the decision: after considering the options, choose the one that aligns best with your goals and values. **Remember that no decision is without risk**, and it's important to **accept the possibility of negative outcomes** while focusing on what is within your control. 5. Have a bias for action: once you've decided, get to work. When you feel frustration or worry; ask yourself ""what can I do?"". And number 6... you wouldn't be a Stoic if you didn't take some time to reflect after your project if you made the right call... if it was worth stressing out about it... and what you would di differently in the future. # On comparing yourself to others >*""I feel my life as empty and shallow, also due to comparisons of others life and highlights""* \- You This is a very common human experience. I've definitely felt that way. I bet a lot of your fellow students feel that way. We live in a world now where one of your fellow students could potentially curate their online presence in such a way where it just looks like they are happy and successful while they might still feel miserable. My advice is to detach yourself consciously from what you see and stop attributing a ""value"" to what you see as good or bad. Because you don't really know if it is the whole truth... so why judge yourself through it? What matters is you. What you do. Your character, integrity and moral worth. That is what makes a good person. Not what you own, or how you look like. And definitely not what others own, or what they look like.",Having anxiety managing projects,,general_qa 470,"This person is my Dad. He has acted like a bully all his life. He is a good provider, there are definitely some good things about him as well. All goes well as long as you agree with him, but now the situation is no longer tolerable. I am in a place in my life that I personally don't need his support but I do need him to keep things stable at home. I feel to manage the situation is to bully him instead, I don't see any other way, but I do know it will have it's own repercussions. I do know it's not very stoic to think about what may happen, but bullying cannot be the answer right? Is there some stoic advice that anyone can provide on this?","Your dad sounds a lot like my mom. I've tried being the bigger person, talking to her about it, but no matter what I tried she didn't change, and I felt like I was being worse no matter what I did. So I'm leaving at the end of next year, because I won't let her ruin my life. Cutting people off is sometimes necessary, and the best option",How to deal with someone who does not listen to reason and is very short tempered?,,general_qa 471,"It's been 11 months since I got clean and part of that reason was just understanding myself and reading in to stoicism philosophy. I recently tried hydrocodone a weaker opiate and thought it would allow me to feel how I once did but after that night I just kept chasing the high and I'm back at my original dosage like before and I'm just so exhausted and frustrated with myself. I was wondering if anyone can give me stoic advice on how to make a change, I just have no where else to go and this philosophy has been the only positive thing in my life.","Context: I'm a former addict with four years of clean time (terrifying how time flies) who has been practicing Stoicism for about that length of time. Everyone relapses their way sober - that 11 months was far from ""nothing"", and even though you'll be resetting your clean time, this next phase will be *far* easier than the phase before. I had about a year too before I relapsed - that was my last relapse prior to this four-year span. Stoicism is not a tool for getting sober - right now you're thinking of drugs like they're a bad habit. The fact that you thought weaker drugs might help means you're still saying ""the problem isn't drugs - they're not unique, the problem is *me*"". Well, after 11 months you must have felt pretty fixed - and if drugs aren't the problem you may as well turn to them. You probably were fixed too. The issue is that drugs *were* the problem - they aren't like any other substance or bad habit, they're unique and have a unique neurochemistry that specifically facilitates the formation of addiction. I'm aware 12-steps completely fuck this point up by saying that addiction is a spiritual problem in the addict - it is not, addiction is a biochemical phenomenon. The problem isn't you, it's the drug - the drugs *create* your spiritual problem. That said, I still attended a 12-step fellowship simply to be accountable to others, even if I do not believe their ""spiritual"" advice is any use: recovering from addiction often requires you to eat humble pie in that way, and to be prepared to make things work even if they're less than ideal. If you haven't already, you need to find one of those spaces (so 12-steps or SMART) and admit what's happened and be accountable to people. Stoicism will just become your excuse for using if you try to make it a tool of recovery. Once you've sobered up and amassed a little clean time, then think ""Stoicism"". Personally, it worked for me after I'd detoxed to partial functionality, which took around 3 months.",Relapsed on oxy,,general_qa 472,"I have been working on handling my emotions and communicating objectively in all aspects of life and it has been immensely helpful but I cannot control my emotions when someone is certainly wrong but raise their voice, yell and do everything possible to stop me from stating my points. When I have material and logical proof that the person is wrong and all they want is to twist the scenario to make me look like I've done a mistake, I just can't seem to stay calm and collected. The worst part is, logic and reasoning don't matter to these people as much as proving their point does. Although it doesn't make me feel any better, I tend to raise my voice in order to defend myself and walk out. Even though I prepare myself before meeting with such people, I just cannot seem to handle it when this unfurls. Any stoic advice is appreciated","The best revenge is to be unlike him who performed the injury It is said that one day the Buddha was walking through a village. A very angry and rude young man came up and began insulting him, saying all kind of rude words. The Buddha was not upset by these insults. Instead he asked the young man, ""Tell me, if you buy a gift for someone, and that person does not take it, to whom does the gift belong?"" The young man was surprised to be asked such a strange question and answered, ""It would belong to me, because I bought the gift."" The Buddha smiled and said, ""That is correct. And it is exactly the same with your anger. If you become angry with me and I do not get insulted, then the anger falls back on you. You are then the only one who becomes unhappy, not me. All you have done is hurt yourself.""",How would you handle being blamed for something you didn't do in a stoic way?,,general_qa 473,"Don't worry, this isn't actually an advice thread. But I didn't see a ""stoic practice discussion"" flair. Mods, if you have a suggestion of a more appropriate flair, I'm all ears. I was curious to ask the group: How (if at all) has your study of stoicism affected how you respond to conversation starters that putatively ask you to make a value judgment on your life (e.g. How are you, how's it going)? Does that answer change depending on whether the ""how's it going"" is coming from an acquaintance or a friend? Do you ask other people how they are, or do you ask them something else? I've just noticed that this invitation to pass a judgment (good, bad, hangin in there, living the dream) on my experience occurs so many times in the day. I've wondered if there is a way to respond that would help me practice the disciplines but (let me be emphatic here) not make me sound like a total weirdo or have the secret goal of showing off. For example, I would not respond to a colleague's ""what's good, my dude?""with ""Well actually Doug, a student of stoic philosophy, I find that the only good is located in my virtuous response to whatever external situation arises."" But I wonder if anyone has a way to respond that actually strengthens your own mindset while maintaining social cohesion and norms.","""Can't complain""","How does a stoic answer the question, ""How are you?""",,general_qa 474,"I feel a bit pathetic. How to not let this stuff affect me in the future? I had a good Christmas but I have a habit of focusing on negatives and ruminating. All I keep thinking is how rude it is that someone who I considered a friend (14 years) wouldn't even acknowledge me wishing them a merry Christmas. What kind of person would ignore something like that? Are they even a friend? It takes 10 seconds to make a response. Are they playing games, as what kind of message is ignoring me meant to mean? The message has been read and this person only last week told me they were about and they would like to meet up over the holidays. So confused. I kind of think they're being manipulative as this has happened before and unless I message them on Xmas they won't say it to me first. They don't tend to message me on my bday unless I've messaged on theirs etc. Edit: Thanks to those who answered providing stoic advice. Some people here have just used my post to insult me and say nothing to do with stoicism. I'm here because I'm asking for support on how to reflect on something that bothers me and helps me to become a better stoic so there's no need to use this platform as a way to go off topic and be insulting or unkind. There's a reason I've put this issue into this r/ not a relationship one as I'm looking for specific stoic advice.","A possibility is that they saw the message, got distracted before they could reply and then just forgot about it. It happens to me all the time.",Spent all Xmas Day being annoyed that a friend didn't respond to my merry Christmas message,,general_qa 475,"TL;DR Any stoic writing on humility vs self-esteem. I'm generally a very humble person but people associate it as if i have no self esteem. I'm at a crossroads. A very good friend of wife, more like family who helps and is there for us in every time of our need discarded my work without any thought. I'm a designer and brand developer. I made a complete brand identity, YouTube and insta content starting from the logo to videos that were appreciated as some of the best. All for free. Imagine shooting, editing and creating 8 videos for free. She discarded the logo, plagiarised some artists logo from ShutterStock. Which was very Cringey. Treated most of my work as worthless and told me that it was too bad. They were very helpful when the wife had covid. Helped in our tough times but they have absolutely no work ethic. Now wife wants me to suck up my pride and go to their event but I feel too insulted. Update: Thank you for all the advice. It helped me and this community is full of wonderful people. I did go the event, after I went there I realised I gave too much power to the negativity and imagined pain over what actually went on. Use and control every situation to our advantage with Virtue.","Let it go, but don't forget it. Never do anything for them for free. You shouldn't really be doing free work for your family friends anyways. Discounted sure, but never free. It creates exact situations like this. No good man. Let go of the interaction, but don't be so naive as to make the same mistake twice.",Antagonising a close friend of the wife vs having no Self-Esteem.,,general_qa 476,"I have a painful psychological scar from something that happened decades ago. It was a colossal missed opportunity, an immense disappointment, a stupid ""last minute"" mistake which resulted in a personal failure which changed the trajectory of my life. I cannot simply let what happened go as if it were a type of pure external misfortune - such as a weather catastrophe or a stock market crash. *Some* of it was out of my control, sure. I can point to such things as the bad advice I got from others at the time, the unfair nature of the system which I was working within, or the simple fact that there was some critical information I just wasn't aware of at the time. However, what eats me up is knowing that if I had put a little more effort in, made just a few more strides forward in my path, talked to a few more people, been slightly less arrogant about my situation - I know I would have prevailed. In other words, part of it *was* in my control, but I failed to act on it. Is there a Stoic teaching I can look to to help me finally let go of this frustrating regret, this emotional wound - this particular kind of life misfortune that indeed I was partially responsible for?","Because it's in the past, it is beyond your control. The fact that it was in your control back then doesn't matter. It's beyond your control *now*. I know it's not easy and I struggle with my own regrets, but I just try to remind myself of this when it creeps up on me. It's just your mind screwing with you.","Stoicism advises us to let go of things we can't control, but how do we let go of something in our past we *could* have controlled, but didn't?",,general_qa 477,"My best friend and beloved cat Mochi suddenly passed away today and I am at a loss as to how to deal with it. I used to turn to this community a lot a few years ago, but I have fallen away since. Any advice or stoic quotes on how to best deal with this kind of loss is greatly appreciated.","I wrote this to help someone with the bereavement of a loved one, I hope you find it useful. I recognize that all of our time is finite, and it can end at any moment. Whether it is myself, or any other loved one, we will all die at some point, and cease to conciously exist. It does not make a difference how we feel about this information, it is eminant until proven otherwise. I tend to reflect on the positives that their lives have given the world. Even in the most tragic of scenarios, there is always meaning that can be found, and carried and shared with future generations. I find this is very related to how we value our own lives and the lives of others. If you only value the individual, and not the impact their existence has caused, then death is truely tragic. If you look at the way the world has been affected, and what has been shared, be it a moment, a lesson, words of wisdom, warnings of danger, or any other form of world interaction, we can take solace in the fact that they have existed, and have made a difference in the world. Being upset at the death of someone is a sign that they have impacted your life in a meaningful way. Think of all of the other people who would share your feelings of despair, and comiserate in the fact that you all have valued the time that was shared, and are thankful for their impact on you as an individual.",Advice on dealing with the loss of a beloved pet,,general_qa 478,"I repeated this over and over again in my head as I walked into the hospital room to see my dad for the first time in a few months. I said it as a I cried seeing how much his body had deteriorated. I said it as I sat in his hospital room with him for days on end. I said it as I cried back in my hotel room. Over and over again, hoping it would bring just a little bit of comfort. My dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer a few months ago. It came very suddenly, right after he moved all the way across the country. We went to go see him for a week about a month ago, and I'm going to see him again tomorrow. He's too sick for chemo now, so this will most likely be the last time I see him. I know I'll be repeating the same phrase hundreds of more times in the coming days. I've studied stoicism for a year or two now. One quote that had always struck a chord with me, even from my earliest days of studying, was from Xenophon. When he heard the news that his son had died, he calmly said, ""I knew my son was a mortal."" I thought it was rather admirable, how he accepted the ways of nature, realizing that death is also a part of life. And so, I decided to repeat it again and again as I went to see my dad. I'm having a hard time right now. I'm trying to allow myself to grieve without suppressing any emotions, while also trying to apply the stoic teachings. I've accepted it, but it's difficult to deal with it. This situation is hard, but it's a good test, and I suppose it will make me stronger once I come out of it. I'll be okay, even if it's rough right now. I'll cherish what little time I have left with my dad, and try to prepare for his passing as best I can. I knew my dad was a mortal. If anyone has any words of comfort or advice, it would be greatly appreciated. Thank you all for this wonderful subreddit. Edit; thank you all so much for your kind words and advice. I've been reading through each and every comment all day while I've been with my dad in the hospital again. I'll continue to look back on them for months to come. I'm doing my best to reply to everyone, but I'm just really exhausted. Just know that I really do appreciate it. Thank you all so much.","My dad was in hospital for 9 weeks with irreparable lung damage after smoking cigarettes for 45 years. Once the talk of palliative care came up, I went back to basics on momento mori and practised it every morning for the three weeks before he died so I could be strong for my family when the time came. It helped immensely that his death was telegraphed so far in advance and he basically chose to go rather than struggle on in the hospital anymore, which gave me ample time to put my stoic practice into use. Stocism has helped me immensely in my own life since I first started practising it in 2019 its biggest test came with the death of my father just under a month ago. I cried at the time and I miss him still, but having a philosophy of life to follow in difficult times and the wisdom to know that all these dead writers have gone through something similar and yet found peace on the other side of our human tragedy helps so so much. I understand where you are at in life OP and you have my sympathy. I urge you to remember you are not alone and we are all in this together and as Senaca said ""the grief that has been conquered by reason is calmed for ever"".","""I knew my dad was a mortal.""",,general_qa 479,"I was r*ped. I'm having flashbacks and apparently showing symptoms of PTSD. it happened a few months short of a year ago, but it still triggers me time to time. I have had multiple tragedies happen in my life in the past year and was essentially forced to adopt a stoic perspective on life. I want advice on how to deal with rape and sexual assault using stoicism. I can handle seemingly ""heartless"" comments -- these might help actually. Please help. Don't just ignore this, I'm seriously in need.",Are you able to work with a therapist specializing in trauma?,How to deal with this,,general_qa 480,"I started reading more about Stoicism when my ex-girlfriend broke up with me recently. We had been in a relationship since we were 16, roughly 8.5 years of our lives. We were happy and both felt like we would grow old together. I'd always been a little insecure about the idea of never having had any other experience with dating/relationships (partly due to my sensitivity to such comments from friends), but I simply loved her too much to let this get in the way. After moving in together about a year ago we started to experience struggles personally, as well as in our relationship. This, along with a couple of other factors led me to initiate a break: I needed time for myself. After a couple of months, I wanted to try it again as I realized again how much she meant to me. Unfortunately, she didn't want this at the time, although in the following months she said multiple times that she felt that eventually we would be together again. A couple of months later (last week), she told me she was in a new relationship. There have been moments where I felt good about myself (I workout, invest in friends and try to meet new people), and the stoic principle of not focussing on external things you cannot control really resonated with me. However, lately I've found this has become increasingly difficult to keep up. She seems to be doing incredibly well based on what I see on social media (I should probably unfollow her, even though I'm scared of cutting ties), and I know from a stoic perspective that this should not be my business. However, it is getting increasingly harder to think and especially feel this way. It hurts that she moved on so quickly after an intense relationship like ours. At the same time I feel like it is my fault. There are times I'm overwhelmed with sadness, insecurities about myself, insecurities about the future, regret, anger, jealousy and an overarching sense of losing hope. Almost everything seems to remind me of her. There are moments where I can let her go, and then there are moments where hope is creeping in that one day we'll be back together (which I know is ridiculous). ​ Long story short, when these negative emotions become so strong that trying to meditate through them becomes too difficult, how can we deal with this from a stoic perspective? What are practical things we could do and fall back on, in order to cope with overwhelming emotions like these? ​ EDIT: Wanted to express my gratitude to all who took the time to read my post and share their views. Reading your personal experiences and stoic advice helped me to see things more clearly today, and I will definitely revisit this thread a lot the coming weeks. Thanks everyone.","Take this chance to purge old emotions... - So what if there is no hope? Is hope important? Is it real? - So what if someone has what you don't? Does it matter? - So what if you are single? Is it bad? - And what is your insecurity? How would you be without it? Quitting something 100% is 5x easier than quitting it 99%.",Hopelessness after long-term breakup: practical advice?,,general_qa 481,"Hey guys. Running into some (what i find to be) contradictory ideas between whether a stoic should choose to show patience and acceptance towards their old friend group, or simply choose to surround themself with people they aspire to be like. Any advice or relevant quotes from the stoics would be greatly appreciated. Im brand new to the practice btw.","Both. It makes no sense to lose old pals who are not dragging you down. If they drag you down and you cannot improve that situation without creating distance, then create distance. BTW, I recently did a comment in another thread on friendship that I thought brought up some interesting aspects to stoicism and friendships -- perhaps you'd benefit from it: https://www.reddit.com/r/Stoicism/comments/uzr9j8/about_friendship_and_reciprocity/iac51sq/",Surrounding yourself with new friends with similar aspirations versus keeping your oldest friends.,,general_qa 482,"The vicious cycle is like this: Stage 1: I get used to being a loner and find my own joy in doing various hobbies. My mind isn't clouded with unnecessary and destructive thoughts anymore. Restlessness goes away. In a way, I'm at peace and feel like I have at least in some level, followed Stoic principles that I am able to survive and persevere even in being completely alone. It's not that I avoid any socializing activities, but just that there are no chances for socializing and I don't go out of my way to do socializing. But it feels like a fake peace because I can feel some darkness just hiding around the corner, loneliness and anxiety, ready to strike anytime, in some short moments. I currently live and work in Japan but am not a Japanese, I'm an Asian foreigner. Stage 2: When I go back to my home country for a vacation, at the start, I don't go out that much to meet my old friends having gotten used to being alone but I get invited numerous times that I eventually spend time with them. Since it's not like I go home frequently, there's a significant amount of time in between that socializing with people kind of feels new and refreshing. I would enjoy the time however short it is since vacations aren't exactly long. Stage 3: The next stage of the cycle is when I go back to Japan, where my life is pretty much devoid of any socializing. In this stage, my mind just can't calm down. I'm filled with loneliness and anxiety, like a kid who's lost and wanting to go home. It's also in this stage that I would crave for intimacy especially with a girl. Like I want a girlfriend to spend time with and make memories. And since I have none of these things, this restlessness would pervade for even months. Then after a significant amount of time and slowly, I go back to the first stage, getting used to being a loner and kind of at peace. During the pandemic since I haven't been able to go back to my home country and have transitioned to work from home basically everyday only going to the office 1-3 times a year, I've learned to build my own gaming PC and started my hobby of growing rare plants and found joy in these. At the start, for quite some time, I was doing fine during the pandemic especially compared to those who have much more challenging circumstances. But then there's just this limit of having not socialized with another human being physically that for the past months, I can't help getting that bouts of loneliness and depression although not at the level of stage 3. There's no restlessness, just feeling melancholic. Then yesterday, I attended the year end party of the company, and I haven't attended a party for a very long time since in 2020, the cases were high here. There are new employees in the company and I got to know a girl who was attractive though I wasn't able to talk to her that much since I was shy and she went home pretty early. I stayed a little bit longer and talked to my colleagues some more, just about life, job, etc. When I got back to my room, the quietness compared to the liveliness and noise of the party just rings in my ears, it's like I went through the stages of the cycle again. There's this craving for more socializing, and this feeling of wanting to get to know more about that new employee attractive girl I just met. The restlessness and craving is intense to the point it drives me mad. I can't seem to get out of this cycle. During stage 1, because I'm at some kind of peace, I kind of have the tendency to believe that I am finally okay and fine being alone and spending much time with myself just to be proven wrong. Any advice would be much appreciated. I didn't tell my boss about this but I told him that my social life has become totally zero and he suggested I go to the office at least once every 2 weeks to have some socialization at least by eating lunch together for example. There's that worry of Omicron though.","One thing I see a lot of in this sub (and that I struggle with as well), is the inclination to turn inward. If only I could practice better acceptance, if only I could cultivate more awareness. I try to remind myself that the Stoics also emphasized our natural place as parts of a whole, citizens of the world. Epictetus recommended: ""To treat nothing as a matter of private profit, nor to plan about anything as though a detached unit, but to act like the foot or the hand, which, if they had the faculty of reason and understood the constitution of nature, would never exercise choice or desire in any other way but by reference to the whole."" Covid or not, it is pretty darn tough to connect with others and feel like a part of a community. But you've already demonstrated that you're a disciplined Stoic. As others in this thread have said, try to expand/challenge your practice by cultivating connections with others.",Have extensively read Epictetus' Discourses and Seneca's Letters and Marcus Aurelius' journal. I've been living alone for years and I seem to be stuck in a vicious cycle and need advice (am a 30M).,,general_qa 483,"Hi there. I've been practicing stoicism for few months. Totally a newbie. Have been reading stuff and trying to apply in my life. But I've met with a very confusing situation which causes me anxiety also. I've been in a relationship for more than an year now. Now my gf thinks that she may identify as a polyamorous person. We started the relationship as monogamous. But it's normal for people to realize things late. Since I've been conditioned in a monogamous way, I'm having troubles to accept that she can love someone else just like she loves me at the same time. I don't like the idea of my gf being with me and loving other dudes. It's not that she already loves someone else, she says there might be a chance and she's comfortable with the idea of polyamory. So from a stoic point of view, since I love her, should I stay with her by accepting the fact that she wants to be in different relationships at the same time or should I let her go? I'm trying hard to accept the idea of Polyamary but I can't. Maybe it's because I have never been exposed to this idea and I was conditioned in monogamous way all these years. Simply I've got only two choices. I'm asking here because I, someone who's interested in practising stoicism, got confused and don't even know which direction should I go to. Couldn't make it short and thanks for taking time to read it. Hope you have an advice or tip to give. Have a nice day!","Have you taken the time to consider what you really want in a relationship? Conditioning only goes so far, as does the preference of your partner. Neither will tell you what *you* want from a romantic bond. I wasn't conditioned into monogamy - in fact, my upbringing was virtually the opposite. However, I am naturally monogamous. If someone wants to have a poly relationship, they can't have that with me. You are leaping to the decision point before you've actually gathered the data you need to make the choice. Do you as an independent autonomous being want to be in a poly relationship? Do you want to explore the idea? Or do you absolutely know you're monogamous and you're just trying to avoid it so you don't have to face the fact that you and your GF are incompatible? Stoicism means having the courage to face the truth, whatever that is. It means having the integrity to do the right thing, whatever that is. It means understanding yourself so that you know what you prefer and don't prefer.",I wonder how a Stoic would deal with this,,general_qa 484,"Long time lurker, first time poster here. I stumbled upon stoicism through the writings of Nassim Taleb and Ryan Holiday. Here's the situation. I feel like I'm being left behind in my career. I graduated in 2020 with a degree in Engineering. However the job market in my country has been **incredibly bad**. I sought to improve my fortunes by doing freelance work and building skills on the internet , but have unfortunately had very little success with that.This is because I had to move in with my guardians and they have no access to electricity. I really feel that I've been trying so hard to improve my situation and get my career up and running but keep getting bad cards. I really feel bad about myself and my situation. **tl.dr;** Is there any stoic advice you'd give to someone who feels unfairly left behind?","What is in your control, what is not within your control? Make a plan of the things you can do, once you have a definite plan you will feel better. The outcome of your plan is ultimately not within your control, but your actions putting the plan into place are. This will maximise your chance of success. Control the controlables. Also, Amor Fati, you are where you are, embrace it, the obstacle is the way.",Advice For Someone Feeling (Unfairly) Left Behind ...,,general_qa 485,"What does stoicism say about hanging around people that may bring you down? I've been doing research on it and I've seen two sides to it: one where we should immediately leave as no matter how clean you are, you will get dirty hanging around dirty people. The other says that we shouldn't let them affect us and to continue moving forward and to accept them as who they are. ​ To give some context, I've been taking some things more seriously in my life and have considered some life changing decisions. I'll still come and hang around with my friend group but now it feels like they're ""bums"". They're sense of enjoyment seems to be shitting on other people that try in life because they themselves are living a life they don't enjoy. They've even made comments poking fun at me for taking something serious that they think is silly. It feels like they're all just waiting around until they're final day comes, accomplishing nothing everyday. Overall, everytime I talk to them it always feels like we're gossiping and putting someone else down for our own enjoyment and it's something I can't get behind now. I'm not really sure what to do. Is it wrong of me to cut them off or distance myself? Isn't it not stoic to cut them off because I am letting what they say and do affect me? Shouldn't I not be bothered by their actions and be able to continue doing what I have to do while enduring their actions? If what I've read is true, aren't my friends prescribed to me in a sense? That they were prescribed to me in life for me to be able to endure harsher words better and for me to be able to learn to block out all the noise? At the same time, there are stoics like Epictetus that say I should just leave and surround myself with people more like-minded no? Any advice is appreciated, in a very confusing spot in my life right now, thanks Edit: It also seems as if I've changed a lot more as a person and they've continued to stay the same, just to add more context.","Relationships are transactional. It's not a romantic thing to say but what is the value of a bond if it doesn't benefit both parties more than it damages them? First you may want to define what friendship means to you. Seneca speaks about this in his [9th letter](https://en.m.wikisource.org/wiki/Moral_letters_to_Lucilius/Letter_9)""On Philosophy and Friendship"" - section 8, 9, and 10+ in particular. His 3rd letter is also on friendship and he may add to your definition more with that one, but the 9th letter is more to your question.",Feel like I'm outgrowing friends.,,general_qa 486,"Hey guys I love stoicism (like my fate - well, working on that at least) and i can see a number of benefits from its teachings. However, one negative thing I noticed is sometimes a flare up of my ego. Now I am aware that it is not a mistake of stoicism, for stoics never argued that we should be egoistical in any sense. The blame lies solely in me, however l can't seem to eradicate that thoughts. Now i will try to explain how it goes to get you some additional information. I am a person that compares lot of things to each other, and i also compare people and their attributes. What it does for me? Well sometimes good things, for example if i see that people around me are generally better than me in handling critique it gives me a valuable information about myself. (Off course i try to be better even without comparing to other people but that's how it goes sometimes) But often not-so good things. For example if i see that I am lacking in something compared to others it can lower my self-esteem. And the opposite can happen too. Now we get to stoicism and how my lack of good application makes for this negative thing. I am not a person that would feel superior to another because of my looks, possessions or intelligence. But sadly i do feel sometimes superior and when that happens its mostly on basis of me working on myself. I understand that we are born in different circumstances and as a completely different set of beings. And that comparing yourself to others you are focusing on something external and not on your intrinsic value and progress. But the same as i get a drop of self-esteem when i realize that someone is a lot braver then me, the same way i get an ego boost when i realize that while I am trying to get the best that I can someone over here laments of some stupid reason and can't stand up for himself. How can I mitigate these thinkings? Please don't say just focus on what is in your power - I'm not saying that it is not a true and great thing to say - I'm just saying that i already know and try to live by that and although it helps i can't grasp it fully and I would appreciate more advice.","You keep trying. Neuroplasticity is a hell of a thing. The more you think in certain ways the easier it becomes to think in those ways. Imagine the thinking pathway of comparing yourself to others as a grand canyon in your mind. It took ages to form and it was because the water (thoughts) always flowed there. Now you are trying to get the water to flow somewhere else, a relatively flat plain. It doesn't want to flow like that! It keeps flowing into the canyon even when you don't want that! But the more often you direct the flow back to where you want it, the more the water will carve out a new canyon.",How to have healthy self-esteem without ego?,,general_qa 487,"Been saving up money and I decided to treat myself with vacation. To keep it short, I basically got scammed $600, and I feel dumb and horrible. Everything was going okay, I don't make much money so this vacation was a great break. Haven't been scammed in a long time so this kinda got me in a slump. Can any of yal give some advice to get through this? The stoic way","You paid a prize (600$) and got a valuable lesson for it. The other got 600$ and paid a much higher prize: he became a thief.",Got scammed on vacation,,general_qa 488,"Hi reddit, I have some trouble/need stoic advice. Lately my family has beign making fun of me and laugh at me for trying to be healthy. lately I've been exercising and eating healthy, but the opinions and comments of my parents (and little brother) make me insecure and they quite demotivating. This happens when I cook for myself or exercise outside or don't want to eat unhealthy food 3 times a week. Does anyone have any tips or (stoic) advice for me and this situation? How would you react to this or cope with it. I usually don't react and ignore it but deep inside it does something. I have already tried to talk about it with them. What I do isn't unhealthy, I don't train too much or starve myself. (I train 3x a week with sessions of 45 minutes to an hour and just eat a lot of vegetables and meat, and I also feel better than ever)",Keep working out and you will see the results and realize no matter what they say they're wrong and you'll keep making gains if you keep it up.,my family laughs at me for trying to be healthy,,general_qa 489,"I love so much, unnecessarily sometimes... I give and give and almost never take, but somehow I've been completely forgotten about. I'm the guy who always looks out for others and making sure everyone is ok. I try to make everyone better around me and do my best to be a good vibe, but I can't believe no one thinks about ME... only when they need something. No one really cared when I was in the hospital dealing with the worst pain of my life, no one checked to see how that affected me mentally. No one really asked how my semester went, no one really cared when I brought it up. No one really noticed me when I didn't talk for days, or ate nothing. Or how I never slept, or how I abused substances every night. No one wanted to check up, everyone is just doing there own thing and I struggled like crazy. I've feel so alone and such an outcast. I don't feel a mutual love that I give out to so many others and its really fucked with me. I think I want to give up on my emotions. I want to stop progressing friendships, I want to stop trying with the girl I desperately want to notice me. I want to stop apologizing for being an inconvenience or hurting people. I want anger now. I feel rage and its a beautiful motivator. Ive been letting it out more and its fucking working. Love won't get you far but fear goes a long way. If i'm going to be noticed for something its how much I can actually scare people. My attitude, my tone, my speech, my aggression, I saw it today... playing basketball with grown men, I was ruthless and it made me happy, people admired it, no matter how scary I was. I dont know what the stoics say about anger, but its working for me. This aggressive persona I have adopted, so that no one fucks with me, no one can take advantage of me, no one can do anything to me and I hold all the power is working. The thing is, it disappears when im with her. The girl I admire so much but it never being reciprocated. The one I do anything for, i cant help but be a sweetheart to her. I dont know if i'm looking for advice or if im venting but I think I need anger to get over her. This love and empathy that I overindulge in happens too much with her and I think its made me weak. I rather be hated and feared, but known versus being fake loved and forgotten. Flawed mindset, I know, but thats why I'm here. If there is another way, please help me understand.","Hi friend, I used to feel like you. I had issues with co-dependence. For me, it was because I also had a fawn-type response to trauma, meaning I was always trying to please people and I had learned that from childhood. I became angry because I felt no one was kind and no one was defending me. Every day is different, and some days I struggle more than others. These days I struggle less. If you want my opinion, anger isn't the answer. From a stoic's perspective, you are too attached to the reactions of others. The stoic answer, therefore, is not to become angry and thus become attached to the different reactions of others, but rather to let go and focus on your own actions and whatever is in your control. Learn how to fill your own cup and learn how to love yourself, rather than learning how to be hated. If needed, speak to a trusted person or a therapist in order to learn how to set boundaries and care for yourself first. If someone needs to be worshipped in order to show you friendship or love, don't do it and watch those people filter themselves out when they can't get narcissistic supply from you. If you spend all your energy trying to be some tough guy persona in order to force people to show you kindness, you're going to live a life of emptiness because you won't feel safe enough to be yourself with others even if they would have loved you. You also won't draw the right people into your life -- you'll attract people who are attracted to those they fear, rather than those they respect. Love isn't hurting you. Your love is a gift. What's hurting you is giving love to people who don't show you respect or love back, instead of giving it to yourself first and then those who are kind. It takes time, friend. My heart goes out to you, your experiences are challenging and you've been through a lot. I wish for your happiness and your wellbeing.",Empathy and love is hurting me,,general_qa 490,"OK, maybe not really like /r/niceguys, I am happily married, and when I was single I had no problems dating, although casually dating, FWB, ONS. My ""problems"" manifest mostly at work, friendships and family members. ----- I am not new to Stoicism, I have read the classics and Pigliucci/Irvine; and I know that Stoicism is not about suppressing one's emotions. I am posting here because the mods allow *""Seeking Stoic Advice""* posts, and because the comments here are the best quality comments across the entire Reddit ecosystem. I am an old(er) Redditor and I have come a long way in my life; up until not long ago I thought that my life was pretty great, then the other day I lost my temper, something that had not happened in a very long time, and that I thought it was gone from my personality; but there I was. And it was ugly. I was ugly. Details withheld because they don't matter. Losing one's temper is uncalled for. Period. But my reflections on what happens has led me to keen observation of my MO(s) and behavior, and I have come to the realization that: 1. I don't perform well in confrontations 2. I don't perform well under stress (stress real or imagined) 3. I play ""nice"" by default, but then turn ugly in situations #1 and #2 above. 4. So really, I am not that ""nice"". I have read ""No More Mr Nice Guy"", as well as ""Not Nice"" and ""The Disease to Please"". Dear members of this Stoa, if you are still with me, besides my Stoic practice of reading and re-reading the classics and selective modern Stoic writers (I don't do Ryan H), daily journaling, daily journaling challenging my belief systems, what resources do you have for me to better myself? I am also looking into my insurance benefits for going to therapy too. I have been in therapy in the past for depression and then declared depression-free (and I believe it). I know I have some problems with anxiety and, of course, anger; but I do believe that anxiety and anger are related. Sorry for the wall of text, and thanks in advance.","I read No More Mr. Nice Guy 3 years ago and realized it was 100% me. I read Epictetus and realized it was 100% not me, but closer to who I want to be. When I get angry, I journal it out. I try to identify what was the impression that I received? Then, what was the judgment I made of that impression? Was my response to that impression virtuous? You could say this is closing the barn door after the horse got out, but it's the only way I know how to get better. Look at Discourses 3.8. Epictetus gives us instructions on how exactly to train our mind to respond to impressions. There's also nothing wrong with using the No More Mr. Nice Guy playbook to review your actions. Did you get upset because you had a covert contract? Were you previously unable to express your displeasure with something because you were avoiding conflict and then it exploded out of you? Taking the time to dissect failures gives you a better chance of finding the right path in the moment next time.",I am one of the r/niceguys. How do I undo this?,,general_qa 491," I often struggle with overthinking and anxious worry thoughts, this is part of the reason why I got into stoicism a few months back. I tell myself over and over again not to obsess over that which I can't control but I struggle to truly free myself from the burden of worrying. Usually I worry about whether someone I care about is alright, whether they are safe, and how they are feeling. But I also battle with feelings of inadequacy and even jealousy if I feel someone else is better than I when it comes to caring for and providing for those i hold close to me. Does anyone have any stoic advice for me on how to mitigate this anxiety.","Feelings are like waves, crashing on the beach of consciousness over and over. They won't ever stop coming. It is a constant struggle to release them instead of react. To swim instead of becoming overwhelmed and drowned. Breathe and understand you can't exactly control your emotions, only the reaction to them, or not. Like anything, dealing with emotion takes practice. Focus on making your own ""weaknesses"" into strengths. You sound empathic and kind. Just knowing that your feelings and uncertainty are going to come, even if they don't serve you. Keep practicing meditation and breathe when situations are difficult. Life is wrestling more than dancing. Edit: if your thoughts are creating those feelings, find a new way to identify yourself in the reality of the situations. Look outside of the original thought. Ask yourself, is this worth getting emotional over? The emotions will create a wreck if you allow yourself to accept them regarding thoughts of insecurity. You're going to be just fine, my man. Edit 2: Consider the overthinking, as the root of the overwhelming emotional waves. The thoughts that aren't rooted in reality have created a realistic mental scenario that makes our body go into a self-destructive emotional cycle. You want the best for others. What can you actually do? Become stronger and more reliable in your actions. Use emotion as fuel for your passions and you will be fulfilled, creating purposeful thoughts and action to provide for others as it seems you care a lot. Then who can blame you for being active, caring and effective in your life? You create a state of imperviousness in a way. This will break the cycle of self doubt.",Dealing with feelings of jealousy and worry,,general_qa 492,"This hurts. I dont want to do it. I want to reassure him that everything will most likely be alright. He'll get through it and be strong. He'll be one of the few survivors. They could be. But it's not likely. I want to deny with everything within me, to myself and them, the possibility that they might die. I DONT WANT HIM TO DIE! But he might, easily could, and likely will be based on the facts. It's very unlikely he'll get through this, however much I want him to. I can't help but think back to my grandparents, and my vehement denial to myself, and them, that the thing that is *obviously* going to happen somehow won't actually happen and that they'll be immortal and around forever... I can't do it. It's false. It feels wrong to pretend it won't happen. We will all die. Me. You. Everyone I love. Everyone you love. Some people before each other and some people after. But either way, somebody suffers. and that suffering is awful. I want to feel like I am validating their fears by acknowledging rather than denying the very real possibility he'll lose his life quite soon. I want his fears to be understood, validated and heard. I don't want to do what I did before, and pretend everything will be okay. I imagine myself in that position one day, and think of what it would feel like to have everyone lying to me about my prognosis or not even acknowledging my fears and feeling like I was completely on my own at the end, and I just think that I want to be there for him and understand where he is coming from without denying it. Less than five percent of people with his prognosis survive. This guy has had such a huge impact on my life and I love him. I owe him the truth, I want to support him. But everything wants to tell him he is one of the lucky few and that he'll be okay. The other part of me, despite the fact he has a wife (who does not show her love in any way that I'm aware of, currently or historically), wants to spoon him on his hospital bed and squeeze his hands and kiss him. Would this be that bad? Would showing my love physically be such a sin? Because he has helped develop my mind in such a huge way and had such a massive impact on me that there's no way I want it to go unnoticed and unmarked. But I want to do the right thing. Im sorry this post is such a mess. I will probably not hug him. But I want to be there emotionally for him at a time when he is likely dying. What is the Stoic advice on this?","I don't really understand. I get a sense from your post that you feel obligated to tell this man he will most likely die, so that you can talk to him about how much that hurts you **so you can feel better**? And this man isn't your husband and has a wife? Its very likely this man knows his prognosis no? Unless he is of asian origin where doctors have a habit of not telling palliative patients that they even have cancer. Everyone handles death differently. You can't really project your own attitude about it into a person. You may want to give [discourses 1.11](https://www.perseus.tufts.edu/hopper/text?doc=Perseus%3Atext%3A1999.01.0236%3Atext%3Ddisc%3Abook%3D1%3Achapter%3D11) a read. Let me know what you think about this advice. Maybe you feel I misrepresented your position. Ultimately, if I was in your shoes. I would speak with his wife privately about how they understand his prognosis and how you should best behave around him. But it depends on my relationship with them.",Being honest with someone who may die from their health condition,,general_qa 493,"I'm usually pretty friendly to everyone at work. Most people are friendly back. But there are some who critique and judge me for being friendly. I work at a grocery store and some of the cashiers up front have gossiped and said I'm weird because I say Good Morning or I ask how their day has been. It's not like I'm asking them ""how's it going"" every waking moment. It's a once a day passing gesture, say hello and keep it moving. I'm trying to not let it get to me, to realize that it's out of my control and that they might be misguided for judging me like so, but I'm still bothered by it. I often have to repeat to myself that it's not up to me if they think I'm weird. Just be courteous and at least try to greet them because it's the right thing to do. There's also a cashier up front who I think is really pretty and from her friendly demeanor about herself, I kind of developed a crush on her. I asked my co-worker if she had a boyfriend and he told me he would ask her. I suppose that he told her I was the one who asked because after that interaction, her whole attitude towards me changed. I used to have interesting conversations with her and now when I approach, she gives me one word responses and barely even says hi to me anymore. It really hurt my self-esteem, and I feel like I did something wrong. My co-worker even now tells me that she asks why I say hello to her every morning making it seem like I'm sexually harassing her or something. I was planning on asking her out for coffee or something to that extent but now my mind is completely made up that it's not something I want to do anymore. It just bothers me that she judged me without even getting the opportunity to get to know my character. There's nothing I can do about that but let it go at this point but I just wish I wasn't so sensitive about these things like so. I know I can't expect everyone to like me but it is what it is I guess. I know this isn't very stoic and I don't want to fall into hatred of someone's demeanor but is there any advice you all can give me to change my mindset on my issue?","We can't control other people. Not what they think, not what they do. We become frustrated when we **desire** things that are not ours to expect. *If you desire something outside your control, you are bound to be disappointed,* Enchiridion 2 says. *Strong emotions arise only when we fail in our desires,* explains Epictetus in Discourses 3.2. I bolded the word desire. The reason I did that is that we have flexibility in the intensity of our particular wish. Instead of setting our heart on a thing, we can count it among the things we merely prefer. Instead of craving something in particular, we can notice our inclination and deliberate the attributes that we might learn from the thinking. In effect, we are loosening our grip on desiring that outcome and, in return, loosening our dreamed-up desire's influence on our soul.",I'm sensitive when it comes to people being rude or not reciprocating my kindness. I want to change that. How can Stoicism help me with this?,,general_qa 494,"For example, blatant disrespect, someone is like hahaha you're a weak pussy bitch or your daughter/wife is a slut monkey or your family is all shit. It's like shit I have pride in myself and certain things that are disrespected, but when I defend myself i never win cause it keeps going. And you can't physically do anything cause it's illegal. So the obvious thing would be to just walk away, but the emotions still linger like ""fuck that guy"". Any stoic advice for this?","I respect myself enough not to give a shit if others do. Someone else's limited perspective (about anything, including me) is their own problem. But most disrespect is brought on by the individual needing to degrade others in order to elevate themselves. When two people start reflecting off of each other, it amplifies the disrespect by amplifying each one's own insecurity. If you're secure in yourself, it doesn't hit you. It's like a dull mirror. No reflection. No amplification. Walk on by.","What sort of tricks do you use to remain stoic, when people are disrespectful?",,general_qa 495,"I need so advice on becoming stoic, I'm a massive worrier and constantly overthink everything and I need of a big change","Practice, lots of deliberate practice",How do I become Stoic ?,,general_qa 496,"Recently, I(21F) have been thinking that everything is too rapidly changing. As an ordinary person who has to get accustomed to that change in order to get a job and survive, the uncertainty of the future is really suffocating. I never agreed to this and that technology, why should I abandon what I've been doing for a while due to some 'intelligent people'? (Of course, technology makes human's life more convenient and I, too, get benefits from it. However, I don't think convenience is the best value for mankind. It has clear side effects; it makes people lazier and more egocentric.) I wish I could live my life at my own pace. Would you give me any stoic advices? Thanks a lot in advance.","""Don't let your imagination be crushed by life as a whole. Don't try to picture everything bad that could possibly happen. Stick with the situation at hand, and ask, ""Why is this so unbearable? Why can't I endure it?"" You'll be embarrassed to answer. Then remind yourself that past and future have no power over you. Only the present--and even that can be minimized. Just mark off its limits."" - Marcus Aurelius, Meditations Try to cultivate a sense of acceptance and equanimity in the face of uncertainty, knowing that there are some things that are simply beyond our control. By focusing on what you can control and letting go of what you cannot control, we can find a sense of tranquility and contentment, even in the face of an uncertain future.",Fear about the uncertain future,,general_qa 497,"I did an editing job and my mistake was I gave the file before getting paid. Now, it's been a week since the agreed date but everytime I ask her for the payment she keeps giving me reasons. How should I approach this as a Stoic? I'm trying my best to understand that her reasons might be legit after all. If it was the old me I'd probably resort to intimidation. Now i just say ""okay sure I understand"" but now i've already said that 3 times. How should I deal with this in an inward manner? Should I just accept that the mistake was mine since other's actions are not in my control? Edit (again): Legal action does seem to be the best way forward, but the reasons why I'm hesitant to this are: 1.) It's just a small time gig and taking legal action costs way more than the money owed. 2.) The client mentioned used to be a fairly decent friend. Ps: comments and advices are great so far! Thanks for all of yall's wisdom!",">How should I approach this as a Stoic? I'm trying my best to understand that her reasons might be legit after all. Don't do that. It sounds like this is likely a small job, which means you can start the small claims process. You could also have a legal firm send her a letter of intent. But when you're buying editing services you're operating as a business, not a person who needs ""understanding"". When a business reneges on a contract, the appropriate response is a legal process to enforce the contract, not understanding.",A client won't pay me.,,general_qa 498,"Hopefully I don't ramble, but I apologize if I do. As the title states, I am in the military and so is my husband. However, I'm in the support role for the next few months while my husband is gone. This is not at all the first time we've been apart for extended periods of time. In fact, this will be one of the shorter ones, but all of the same emotions are still there. I recently found this subreddit and started browsing, mostly reading comments on posts I found interesting, and am finding that stoicism really speaks to me. I consider myself to be relatively level-headed and logical, but am very aware that my biggest soft spot is my husband and having him away from home has always broken me down in the past. For a little background, I had a pretty traumatic, abusive childhood which caused severe anxiety and ultimately PTSD. I've done extensive therapy work to get through the PTSD, which honestly doesn't effect me too often - not in substantial ways like it used to, at least. Day to day, I really don't have too many problems with anxiety, but as I write this I realize that it's a part of every day on some level, just not nearly as bad as it used to be. It used to be absolutely crippling, but I've always been determined to do the work to make it better. Anyway, I've known for months that my husband and I would have this time apart and felt that I was relatively at ease with it until a few days before he left. Emotion and anxiety seemed to sweep over me out of nowhere and take over and even while it was happening, I knew there was no logic to it. I found some advice on another post that recommended meditation, so I decided from that point on that any time I felt anxiety coming over me, I would do a simple 10 minute meditation, even if that meant I did it 20 times a day. After the first time, I felt calmer immediately, but that was about it. 10-15 minutes later, I felt like a completely different person. I felt like the person I knew myself to be, but felt like I had rarely seen myself this way. That was yesterday. I've meditated 5 times since then, some sessions more effective than others. My first question is to ask others who have gone down a similar path with anxiety for any advice moving forward. The more tools I have the more capable I feel. Second, I'd like to ask how others might suggest looking at military life from a stoic point of view. The first time my husband and I were apart was just 6 weeks after we got married and we spent the following 9 months apart. This was years ago and my anxiety was much worse. My panic attacks were excruciating and I consider a handful of moments during those 9 months to be the most emotional pain I've ever felt. I believe almost all of the anxiety I am experiencing this time stems from that experience and is a reflection of what I am expecting this time to be. I'm working on changing my beliefs in order to change my anxiety. For example, changing ""I can't be okay alone"" to ""I can be okay alone"" has already helped a lot. The worst part so far is being home and seeing things that remind me of my husband and doing things by myself that we always do together. It hurts, but then I realize how almost silly that is because he's not *gone*, he's just somewhere else. But the emotion doesn't totally go away. I expect it to get better as time passes and I get used to being home alone, but I realize that I am working on many things this time that are worse than they need to be simply because I did not work through them last time. I'd like to work through as much as I can right now in order to make this experience and future experiences better. When I feel really good and grounded, I can feel the old pattern of bracing for anxiety to take over, but the anxiety doesn't even appear no matter how much some corner of my brain might be egging it on. There's literally no stress, which is the most incredible feeling. I really don't know if I've ever felt that before in my life. I look at this situation and see the truth of it: there's actually nothing to be stressed about. But that doesn't last, anxiety will come back and I'll have to start over. I'm okay with that. What else can I do during this period of time to solidify my sense of self? What else can I do to be so grounded that when things like this come my way, I'll be strong from the beginning? I'd really like to be able to be so grounded that I can start to support other people in tough times and honestly, truly be okay. I'm getting a taste of it now and it's so incredibly empowering. Thank you all in advance. I'm looking forward to being a part of this community.","Welcome. I stumbled onto Stoicism after a successful experience with CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). CBT is largely based on Stoicism, so it did not take long for my exploration to lead here. Stoicism, like CBT, has helped with my anxiety and with feeling better about life in general. I'm 60ish and in poor health, so the help was quite welcome. There's basically two flavors of Stoicism - 'modern' Stoicism, which is accessible and practical, and the 'classical' stuff, which was the original flavor from long ago. The classical stuff is powerful and deep, but not easy to understand. [The FAQ](http://www.reddit.com/r/Stoicism/wiki/guide), and [this thread](https://www.reddit.com/r/Stoicism/comments/q5ibpa/weekly_faq_link_introduction_beginners_qa_and/), are both good places to start. My advice would be to follow your nose, to read and explore what is most interesting to you and allow that knowledge to open further doors as you go. Don't be afraid to skim the FAQ, it can be quiet dense in places but it'd be a shame to miss what's there. The bottom line, IMO, is that our beliefs drive our experience, and our beliefs are ultimately under our control - it's not always easy, but it is do-able. We can't change our beliefs by putting a nice spin on things or lying to ourselves, we can only change our beliefs with genuine understanding and reason. Stoicism offers a sensible, realistic way to view the world. It works because being sensible and realistic works. Keep that in mind and enjoy your visit, there is much to discover here.",Military Life,,general_qa 499,"Trigger warning: mental health issues involving anger and self harm... I'll admit, am not as stoic as I'd like to be. That is why I am posting here, to learn from those of you who are more experienced with practicing stoicism. ​ About a month ago, I was comparing myself to my more successful friends. I was feeling awful about my place in life (practically jobless, 27M, living with parents). I have bipolar disorder according to my doctors, and maybe BPD as well. Sometimes (rarely) I flip out and chuck my phone at the wall, or glasses or whatever. This time, I saw my episode starting, so i put down all my breakables and went to my room. I couldn't contain my frustration and ended up breaking my hand by punching the floor. I got it treated the next day. It was a boxer's fracture. The doctor heavily suggested to avoid the risk of surgery and just wear a cast for a month, which i did. Today is day 2 of being out of the cast. I am unhappy with how my hand looks and feels. I am naturally boney and veiny and now my hand looks rounded and out of place. Also, the functionality isn't 100% (doesn't bend back as far as normal) so I feel claustrophobic in my own hand, if that makes sense. I think it's too late to get the surgery, which would've yielded better results. I regret not getting the surgery. I regret breaking my own hand. I regret every other self harm i've done and some of the scars still stand out to me today as much as they did years ago. It's hard looking at my own hands. I don't know what to do, how to reframe my thoughts, turn this into a positive or a learning experience or whatever. I feel residual anger from the entire situation, as if i'm worse off emotionally than i was before. I don't have a specific question to ask, just hoping someone will have some insight they'd be willing to pass along. Thank you all for listening. ​ tl;dr: I had an episode of self-loathing where i punched the floor and broke my hand. The cast is finally off, and now I have to live with a wonky looking/feeling hand haunting me every time i look at it. Edit: this received an unexpected amount of support. Thank you everyone for your advice, it means a lot and it gives me a lot to think about. I appreciate every one of you <3","Give it time. Had a boxers fracture a number of years ago. Same deal, didn't get surgery. When I was done with the cast I couldn't even make a fist with my hand. Really freaked me out. Saw a physical therapist and realized it's totally normal. Got a squishy rock climbers hand workout tool that I kept with me all the time. I'd just work on the dexterity of squeezing and releasing each finger individually. I don't ever notice my break anymore. A bit of a rounded off knuckle but no one would ever notice. It took a long time for me to not notice it though. Probably on the order of a year. Only my experience. Hope it helps.",I broke my hand out of anger and am having trouble accepting the consequences.,,general_qa 500,"Forgive me if I'm phrasing this wrong at all but I want to get further into stoic living, and I've read that journaling daily is a necessary component in that endeavor. All I know about the topic itself is that journaling is the first thing a stoic should do when they start their day, and that it must consist of laying out the goals of the day ahead of them and reflecting on the events of the day prior. My question is that: is that all there is to it to journal effectively? Should my writing narrative while journaling be cut and dry to just those points of writing or should I add some narrative flair as though it might be read one day by someone else? Any advice and reasoning is appreciated thank you very much.","It's your journal, write it however you want! I believe the idea is to help you organize your thoughts and reflect on your own actions. So however works best for you to do that.",How to journal effectively as a stoic?,,general_qa 501,"Hello folks. My father in law is dying slowly of kidney disease. My relationship with my wife is going through a rough patch because she is taking care of him. I feel like I'm losing both my wife and my father in law. I need stoic advice because I feel so helpless.","Went through the same thing. Twice. FIL, then MIL. Her attention is where it needs to be. This is a very difficult time for her. Help her through it. Don't take the lack of attention personally.",My father in law is dying.,,general_qa 502,"This is a (possibly fake) quote of the Dalai Lama. It seems to resonate quite well to the stoic way of thinking. And I try to adhere more often than not to this way of thinking. This works well when life is in white and black. When things are clearly decided, there's nothing I can do to solve this, or it is hard, but if I invest enough time and effort into this, it will work, then I completly and utterly agree, there's no reason to worry. But often this isn't the case. Will the surgery succeed? Will he survive? Can I do anything to help him? Would telling him to not do the surgery save him? Would going to another doctor give him a better chance of survival? That's when the worries appear. (This is just a hypothetical scenario :D ) I know that for all I know I did all I could, but this still makes me feel uneasy. It's more a shade of gray. How would you approach this? Any advices, or opinions? Anything is greatly appreciated.","This is a great quote, but you are misinterpreting and overusing it. I mean the most important aspect of stoicism is to accept and embrace fate. Remember what Marcus Aurelius said ""Whatever happens to you, has been waiting to happen since the beginning of time."" I know that you were just using examples, but here are some counter points for when these thoughts cross your mind ""Will the surgery succeed"" - If it's meant to succeed it will, if it's not, it was his fate. There's nothing you could've done since you're not a surgeon and can't predict the future. You cannot control life, you can only control yourself, your emotions, your actions. ""Can I do anything to help?"" - If yes, then it applies to ""If a problem can be solved, what reason is there to be upset?"", if not, then you can't actually do anything, so don't overthink this, you got your answer, there's nothing you can do to help. It's a lot harder to put it in practice in real life, but if you really try, it'll get easier and easier","If a problem can be solved, What reason is there to be upset? If there is no possible solution, What use is there in being sad?",,general_qa 503,"Context: I'm a 22 y/o brown male and 166cm (barely 5'6). It's probably confirmation bias but now all I can hear is people comparing heights and things like how ""x actor can't play a powerful role because he's only 5'6"" etc. I work in Canada where I'm often the shortest male in the room. Height has repeatedly been emphasized to me as the most important physical trait in a male for any sort of influence, dominance, or even respect. That's where it gets dark for me. I work a relatively prestigious job and this insecurity not only fuels my impostor syndrome, but it also wastes countless hours I can use virtuously. I often feel incomplete. What I've tried: Coping - I've worked out, developed social skills (and dressing sense), and earn a top percentile income. I've also added the illusion of a few extra inches by working on my V taper, adding volume to my hair, emphasizing my posture and opting for heavier shoes where possible. But these things only make me feel worse when my small height gets pointed out cause I feel like an incomplete fraud. I don't particularly like taller women and will definitely not mind a very short girl. I also realize that any girl shorter than me by 3 inches wanting a 6ft guy is only status chasing and not wifey. It still feels really bad to feel incomplete and undesirable and that I have to compensate for a blaring weakness of mine (which is a fact). Meditation - A lot of this is tied to egoic thinking which I've tried to dissuade with meditation. Not helped. Stoic ideas - Dichotomy of control (it's the same game for everyone: no one can coast on their externals and the ones that optimize the things in their control will outperform), Amor fati (enjoy the underdog story arc), negative vizualizations (I realize my height could have been a lot worse). But these don't stop the piercing pain when a comment is passed disqualifying / excluding me. I feel like I can never be a respectable figure. Why I want to improve: I feel like an asshole for worrying about this when it's my only real problem in life right now. I waste so much energy, esteem, and time on this. I realize that any sort of advice would probably boil down to some version of what I've already tried. There's probably no easier way than to fight the demons with these tools. But if something particularly helped you, I'd appreciate the insight.","People who care about height will talk about height. People who don't care about height will not be involved in those conversations. My own experience of being 5'7"" suggests that it's genuinely not that important to most people.",My height insecurity is only getting worse,,general_qa 504,"I know you all hate posts that just ask for advice, but I'm genuinely trying to learn the stoic approach to real life scenarios. I tore my left ACL last year, and after a year of painstaking rehab I return to my sport. In the very first game back, I tear the other ACL. I'm in a state of shock and disbelief. Everything I worked so hard for was just taken from me again just like that. I'm going to lose yet another year of my already limited college sports career, and my schorship is now at risk, let alone having to get/ pay for surgery. My disappointment, stress, and misery is currently immeasurable. How does a practicing stoic remain calm in times of uncertainty and hardship? ​","I think the reason people find this sort of thing frustrating is that it feels like advice-seekers want the answer handed to them without doing any of the work, but all any of us can do is point you to the work. What have you read so far? How deeply have you analysed your impressions about your injury and the sporting career you want? Do you know what it means to analyse your impressions? Have you judged your goals against virtue and correctly assessed what will bring you contentment? Stoic practice takes time, study and, well, practice. Turning to it only when you have a problem is like trying to learn to swim once you get thrown in the deep end.",Remaining stoic in the middle of a storm,,general_qa 505,"Please allow me to preface this post with the fact that I've been living my life in accordance with stoic principles for quite a while now, nearing 9 years. Discovering stoicism has been a blessing for me and led to a dramatic increase in my mental health and overall quality of life. I followed the advice of the last great Emperor with a great success, I've read every book, I've learned every Enchiridion flascard by heart, I've mastered the art of focusing on the things I can control and ignoring all the rest, but I don't feel like I can distinguish things that within my power anymore. I live in Russia and what I see is a massive psychosis at the very least. Within a week all independent media is gone, social media platforms are censored or outright prohibited, people getting frisked and imprisoned, cops checking personal messages on your personal phone, words like ""war"" are literally prohibited and replaced with actual bullshit, protests are squashed and people getting fines and prison time, Z symbols and Z billboards popping up on every major street, I feel like if the glasses from ""They Live"" were real, you would see swatsikas instead of these Zs. But that's not even the half of it, the saddest part is that people around me don't seem to care, or outright support these things. As a stoic I believe that I can affect at least something, at the very least I can try to convince my friends and my family, the people I love, I can talk to them and try to wake them up from this reality, but my attempts fall on deaf ears. I can reason with words and wield the truth, I can provide proof of the the lies that our government spews, proof of impending doom and collapse that awaits us in the future if we remain on this course, but I can't even convince my closest kin. I feel conflicted feelings, despair, hopelesness, fear, lack of control and yet still the ever burning desire to do at least fucking something. It's like the reality itself has ceased to exist, the rules of whatever game we used to play has changed completely and the only real way out of it is to turn on the survival mode, to become a rusty mean son of a bitch who has to do what it takes just to make it through.","""Firstly, thank you for improving the world by improving yourself; you are making a difference! I see the struggle in this challenging situation, but can you provide a specific/simple example of where you don't feel like you can distinguish things within your power? It sounds like you know what's in your power (totally up to you), but you want to control more than that. Sending love your way!"" ",Stoicism fails me in the times of collective insanity.,,general_qa 506,"I am facing a lot of health issues right now. Got a busted up shoulder, pretty severe unexplained headaches(could be chronic migraine according to a doc) and what not. It's not enough to incapacitate but my daily life has been adversely affected. Quality of Life has definitely gone down a lot. How do I deal with this as a stoic would? I have tried remaining calm and rational and explained to myself that half of the reason I am upset is my reaction to it and not the thing itself but that's not enough. Have been mentally exhausted and on the verge of crying many times in the past few days. How do I deal with this body of mine who has become my own enemy? I can't treat health as an external or indifferent thing. I feel guilty that I am overreacting and sometimes feel that my health issues are not bad enough and someone out there has it worse. I am very new at practising stoicism and any advice would be much appreciated","In a similar boat, and feeling similarly low (""cease to hope and cease to fear"" well, unfortunately I got hopeful; and now I'm fearful). Hating the body won't change it or will change it for the worse; wishing you did things differently is foolish; fearing for the future would mean the future would have to be certain enough to predict (and yet you're there with your shoulder and migraines and I'm here with either a vertebra or some unwanted muscle on my neck crushing the nerves that go to my ears). All you can really do is go on with your life, continue whatever you can manage, and gracefully pull out of whatever you can't. I've stopped making new plans, but still go when invited. For the feelings themselves, these phases are basically free falls; ain't much you can do once the Passion starts. Be kind to yourself, minimize the damage to your relationships and everything else, wait for respites and use them when they occur. Be grateful for family and any people who stay around you (I live alone far from home). Reading can prepare you for when things calm down (arguments like ""the universe is an ordered, interconnected whole"" or ""no Fortune is truly bad, since it trains the good and awakens the bad"" mean nothing at this particular moment, but will later when I calm down). The only things that will actually give me any relief in the moment are Seneca's Letter 78 and Boethius' Consolation of Philosophy. Best of luck Anon, here's some Seneca: """"But,"" you object, ""my illness does not allow me to be doing anything; it has withdrawn me from all my duties."" It is your body that is hampered by ill-health, and not your soul as well. It is for this reason that it clogs the feet of the runner and will hinder the handiwork of the cobbler or the artisan; but if your soul be habitually in practice, you will plead and teach, listen and learn, investigate and meditate. What more is necessary? Do you think that you are doing nothing if you possess self-control in your illness? You will be showing that a disease can be overcome, or at any rate endured. There is, I assure you, a place for virtue even upon a bed of sickness. It is not only the sword and the battle-line that prove the soul alert and unconquered by fear; a man can display bravery even when wrapped in his bed-clothes. You have something to do: wrestle bravely with disease. If it shall compel you to nothing, beguile you to nothing, it is a notable example that you display. O what ample matter were there for renown, if we could have spectators of our sickness! Be your own spectator; seek your own applause."" -Seneca, Letters 78.20-21",How do I deal with sickness?,,general_qa 507,"I have a job, family, friends, single/no kids, I'm sometimes happy sometimes sad. I just don't know where I want to go in life anymore. ​ Wondering if some stoic people here have had similar feelings and what they did? Any advice? ​",">I just don't know where I want to go in life anymore. ""Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"" ""That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,"" said the Cat. ""I don't much care where ..."" said Alice. ""Then it doesn't matter which way you go,"" said the Cat. --LEWIS CARROLL, Alice in Wonderland Meaning ""If a man knows not to which port he sails, no wind is favorable""_Seneca Also, don't complain, because much worse might come so easily.","Not sure what to do with my life after turning 30, anyone else?",,general_qa 508,"I am 19M, the day before yesterday I was sitting on my couch and realised since past 2 years how many times I've failed in my respective career. I've failed 3 exams, 3 rejections in interviews, 10+ no reply after applying for jobs and internships and since then i started to feel how shabby my future looks. I've been trying to lift myself up by constantly reminding myself that my future is out of my control and I cannot do anything except for giving my best at present. Any advice y'all have for me, will surely help me pass through this difficult times. Thank you very much and have a great day!","Why on earth are you keeping count of these things? What a depressing and useless thing to hold in your mind. Everyone fails all the time, it's completely normal. The thing is to keep trying until you succeed.",Stoic advice on failures,,general_qa 509,"Courage the cowardly dog is a true stoic. Although he's insanely afraid he still fights to protect! All jokes aside I wrote this post to see if any of you guys have advice on courage. It seems to be one of the least talked about stoic topics, mainly because I think people feel courage will just ""turn on"" when you need it. However I'm terrified, I train and train but I'm afraid if the time comes I would simply freeze, or run away. Any of you guys have quotes that pushed you, courageous stories, tips on how to build your courage and spirit? I'm not trying to be a hero or anything.","You might not find this to be immediately helpful, but I can share what I understand courage to mean in a Stoic context. Basically, whenever something is wrong with us, it's because we hold a false belief about things. That's what vice is, vice is literally false belief. One of the things which is commonly wrong with us is that we feel fear. Fear is a result of thinking that something crucially important to us is being threatened. If, for example, we regard our lives as being crucially important, then we will rightly fear anything which threatens our lives. The way the Stoics see it, everything other than our judgement and will are external to us, and everything that is external is not crucial to us. This includes our bodies, our health, and our lives. On the one hand, yes, it sounds crazy, and on the other, this is what sets people free. Now, lots of people don't agree with this, and they see it differently. They will say that it's OK to regard your life as crucial to you, and OK to fear for your life, and that the task before you is to learn to handle your fear. Feeling fear, and doing the fearful thing anyway, is another definition of courage. It's not right or wrong, it's just another way of looking at it, but it's not the classical Stoic way.",Courage (the cowardly dog),,general_qa 510,"i've been finding myself getting angry at the smallest of things. usually the anger comes from being proven wrong. i want to change my mindset regarding the problem first. i've tried meditations and techniques for calming down, but nothing really works in the moment. how would a stoic approach controlling one's anger issues, specifically from frustration of being proven wrong? anything would be helpful (books, quotes, advice).","Thanks for posting and having a willingness to improve your life. The stoic notion at play here in part, is temperance. The issue here seems to be your ego. Part of the issue is waiting until the moment surfaces that you choose to deal with your anger. Deal first thing in the morning. Know there are things out there looking to get your emotions going. Embrace your situation. You can't know everything but you can know more...so read, talk and educate the team. Amor fati -love this life. No one cares if you're wrong more than you. Change that. Imagine the strength associated with a conversation like this ""I was thinking ____ was the answer. What might I be missing?"" People respect that more often than not. Everytime you're corrected you've just been enlightened a bit. That's a great place to be!",How to control anger issues?,,general_qa 511,"People i care about tell me i'm not really empathic. They say they can tell i don't really understand their emotions. And if is kinda true. For example:When my girlfriend is worrying about something which we don't have any control over, she can get really sad. I can't give her stoic advice. I can't solve the problem. So the only thing i can do is try to understand her so she can feel better. But i don't understand her. I can understand the worrying a little bit, but i can't understand the emotion attached to it. So the problem i'm facing: how can i make other people feel better ?","Is it a Stoic trait to lack empathy? No, I wouldn't say that at all. Empathy isn't about making someone feel better though, nor about solving other people's problems. It's about holding space for and understanding someone else's emotional experience. Objectively we might realize that people tend to create more suffering for themselves than need be, out of their own skewed value judgments or personal narratives. But we can still validate someone else's emotional experience and really try to understand where they're coming from. When we understand where they're coming from, maybe there's an opportunity to share an alternate perspective that they might have missed. And sometimes people just want to know that they're understood, more than have someone else try to solve their problems for them. Sounds like an opportunity to exercise quality communication skills.",Is it a stoic trait to not be empathic?,,general_qa 512,I was following stoic advice and not letting my emotions have any control over my anger but today i lost. I was doing so well for over a month today i let my anger prevail and acted on my anger. now I'm feeling down that i let this happen,">""How does it help to make troubles heavier by bemoaning them."" Seneca",I lost,,general_qa 513,"I have recently been getting into philosophy to help combat my bad anxiety, specifically health related. For some background, a traumatic, prolonged and anxiety ridden experience, and a sudden death in my life have manifested a fairly severe case of hypochondria in my life. I get extremely bad physical anxiety symptoms, that make me feel that I truly am extremely ill. Whilst I have had tests, and been reassured it is in my head, so far CBT and counselling has been minimal in helping me adopt a better mindset. I have found thus far, trying to adopt a stoic approach to my affliction and life in general has been extremely useful to me in accepting what has and is happening to me. Marcus Aurelius' meditations has made me look at life in a completely new light. I want to work on a daily basis to become a more stoic person in order not just to move past my anxiety, but because i genuinely know it's the path to a more fulfilling life. So my question is, what would your advice be to someone that is new on this journey?","There is a phrase that is very stoic. I'm not sure if it's origin lies within stoicism but it goes in Latin : ""momento mori"" which means "" remember that you have to die"". Epictetus says that when we kiss our loved ones, we remind ourselves that they're mortal. There will come a time in everyone's life that they will have to succumb to that little black train. Stoicism teaches us that this is a natural process and that we shouldn't fear it. On to emotions, they will come up with everything that is tragic like the death of a loved one. You cherished their presence on this earth and you ultimately desired more time. There is nothing wrong with this. We remind ourselves of death not to block out the emotions that come with it, but to remind ourselves that our time is valuable from birth to death. Our time with the people we love is valuable and the it's important to spend it right.",Stoicism vs Anxiety,,general_qa 514," I'm going to be giving birth in a few weeks. What advice does Stoic philosophy have for me? Has anyone on here faced this experience and found Stoic perspectives helpful? I plan to use pain medication in combination with other coping techniques - I find it most helpful personally to think of childbirth as lying along the spectrum of human experience that we can bring the resources of humanity (modern medicine!) to bear against, rather than a primal/natural event that my body will handle in a way separate from other parts of my life. (Dying is also part of the human experience, and people with a choice in the matter rarely form a goal of ""getting through it without unnatural interventions."") But I also understand that people feel many ways about this topic, and have a great admiration for people who pursue an unmedicated delivery - please don't make this post into a war about which of these approaches is ""more Stoic."" Even though I expect to get an epidural, the education and medical advice I've gotten are consistent in recommending to delay epidurals until fairly late in the game (or at least it seems late to me) to avoid slowing labor. Epidurals can also fail or turn out to be unavailable for a variety of reasons. So I know I'm in for ??? hours of steadily increasing discomfort and pain, in an altered mental and hormonal state I haven't experienced before. I also have never had my pain tolerance tested to an extreme degree, and know that pain tolerance and the experience of what labor feels like varies hugely. I vacilate between using voluntary discomfort as opportunities to practice not-suffering, and trying not to borrow worry/suffering from the future by going too nuts with it. I hold a lot of ice cubes and long yoga poses, and have access to good resources for specific mental management techniques for handling contractions. Stoic perspectives have been very helpful to me during pregnancy, both for pregnancy symptoms (treatable and untreatable) and for thinking about upcoming labor. There is a lot I can't control both about things that are inevitable (pain) and things that are unknowable (what complications arise, if I have back labor or require other medical interventions, if my epidural fails) - and it's very freeing to realize this means that me ruminating about it won't change anything. I don't have a significant formal background in stoic philosophy, so I'd be grateful for both your own impressions as well as specific topics, concept names, or readings that might be relevant. I am interested in any male or female perspectives on this question, so long as they don't amount to ""women just have some kind of special sauce for going through childbirth and they forget it afterward!"" (This question is inspired by the ""voluntary discomfort"" post, and a look through the archives suggests there's only been a few posts on this topic ever. This is my 'pregnancy' reddit account and I'm a regular reader of r/Stoicism on my main account.)","If you trust your obstetrician, lean on their advice for timing, dosage, etc. They do this every day. If they are dedicated to the virtue of quality care, their advice is valuable, based on experience, and better than any you are likely to find on the internet. When my wife delivered, the epidural was helpful and well timed. Epictetus cautions us to wipe our noses when we need to and not waste our time deliberating the why or the injustice of our condition. I am not equating delivery with a nose cold. I am merely saying that your time now might be better spent practicing Lamaze breathing than worrying about things that there are caring experts for. Stay hydrated. Eat well. Ask questions of the facility or team that will be assisting you in your delivery. If you are a Stoic sage, perhaps you will be able to avoid the foul language my wife used during contractions. Maybe you can even avoid digging your fingernails all the way to the bones in your partner's hand.",Stoicism for giving birth,,general_qa 515,"I (31 f) work as a heavy duty equipment operator (793 cat) in a very remote mine in Northern Canada (in the arctic circle). We operate very large equipment in very extreme conditions. There is 1 fellow operater who challenges me frequently. Making false accusations about me to my superiors/coworkers, confronting me with vicious language, and not following operating procedures putting my safety directly at risk. Stoicism has helped me through this situation. I am not reacting emotionally, and I don't feel particularly good or bad about this person. I feel slightly grateful that they are giving me the opportunity to practice Virtue and I am proud they have not succeeded in making me act viciously in return. During my current rotation at work, multiple people have told me that this person is taking a combination of drugs while working that is absolutely not ok, and not supposed to be used while operating equipment. I have suspected drug use as there are very clear physical symptoms being displayed. Last week, I informed my foreman about this and he informed the superintendent, yet no action was taken. This person was then operating erratically, and came within inches of colliding with my haul truck while on an icy ramp, which very likely would have resulted in death. Last night's nightshift I made the choice to refuse work due to unsafe working conditions and sent emails to the appropriate management detailing the situation. From a Stoic position, I feel quite confident in my actions. Acting out of rational concern for safety rather than revenge. That being said, I do feel quite uneasy about whether or not management will respond appropriately and whether or not this person will respond to the accusation violently towards me, since it is only just that, accustations, at this point. I know I cannot control other people or situations, and fretting about it will just cause me distress, yet I can't help but be concerned about this. Looking for Stoic advice on how to calm my nerves about this dangerous situation and how to not let this consume my thoughts with what-if scenarios. Thank you","Doing the right thing can complicate your life. Doing the right thing is often not rewarded. Doing the right thing can make people angry with you. Doing the right thing is simply right. It is the path to being OK with yourself even when things are not OK in your environment. If management won't back you on serious safety issues, then you are better off moving on. None of this is easy or comfortable, but it is right.",Stoic advice for a complicated situation.,,general_qa 516,"So for a bit of context and I'll keep it as brief as possible. I was quite overweight and spent the pandemic vastly improving my physical health. Went on first date since pandemic a few weeks back and it went really well, I really liked her and go on a second date with her. That second date didn't go as well and now she just wants to 'be friends' but still wants to hang out. I am a little heartbroken. Ok, I realise that I may be being a little overdramatic but it hit a little harder than it probably should of but it lead me to start reflecting on things and to finally pick up and read Epictetus' Discourses that has been gathering dust in my room and explore stoicism further. Upon reflecting, I came to realise that a lot of what went wrong was in my control, talking about topics that were a little too personal and poor body language due to back injury I was attempting to power through. I realised also that it was the first date I had been in long time; she just happened to be first girl I had been out with. I had not been assertive enough when the first date went so well, due to a lingering lack of confidence (something I am still working on). And I'm pretty sure I came across as needy during while we were texting. Also, by way of focusing so much on training my body, I have failed in training my mind. Don't get me wrong, I have seen a lot benefit to exercise for my mental health, but I wasn't actively working on it like my body. So in other words, when things go wrong, particularly when dating, I tend to focus on negatives about myself and end up feeling worthless. Even with the little reading I have done so far (certainly still very much a novice), I have felt an immense benefit on how I have been reflecting on the situation. Before, I would have ruminated on the negatives and I would have made myself feel worse. However, the big thing I have taken away from this particular incident so far is gratitude for how the way things played out. This event has given me the opportunity to see things from a different perspective and I can see a path forward for mental self improvement. Now the thing is though, she says still wants to hang out sometime. I am not going to text her but a part of me is still hoping that she is being serious and that I may have another chance of winning her over. I'm trying my best to not dwell on these thoughts but it's hard! Stoic ideas have lead me in a direction where I can see the reality of what happened, where I went wrong and how I can begin to improve for the next time, but I am still ~~optimistically~~ hopelessly wishing for a different result. I am looking for some practical advice on how to not get carried away with these fantasies. Thanks!","One thing of note is you are placing blame on yourself. This is counter productive. It's great to reflect and analyze what you've done but it's useless to chastise yourself over it. Another thing of note is yes you can control topics of conversation and body language to some degree but you cannot control how the other person reacts and you cannot control the pain your back caused you. I would be remiss not to mention that It's great that you are changing your perspective on situations and that's a huge step. My last point is just keep doing what you are doing. Check your emotions and wondering thoughts with logic rather than impulse. This does not happen overnight and takes much study and practice even for experienced stoics.",How do you not get carried away with romantic delusions?,,general_qa 517,"So I have been working in a new warehouse job for the last couple of months, this is my first time ever working in this setting, and from the get go I just realized how slow I was at picking orders and other parts of the job. I show up on time and do my very best to pick up my speed, but am always falling behind. Also on top of this, my company hired a new guy and I feel like he's already better than me at this job and is also likely to get a promotion over me, that's coming up in our department. How do I deal with this, I'm giving it my all but it feels like it's not enough, also this isn't a career but I am using this job to finance me going back to school. I know I shouldn't let externals bother me, but it has been lately, as I end up messing up a order or having to work much harder to the point I skip my breaks to keep up. Any stoic advice would help.",If you are truly doing your best then Stoics believe that is the goal in itself.,"[Advice] Bad at job, but I feel like I'm trying my very best",,general_qa 518,"First of all, English isn't my first language so sorry for any mistakes. I'm a 20 yo architecture student (It's a 5 year journey here to get the degree, I'm in my third), I love architecture but I just lost my passion for it, I have a lovely caring partner and a supportive family, yet I feel like I just want to leave it all, I contemplated suicide for so long but I've never been closer to actually commit. I tried CBT, tried a couple of anti depressants, nothing works for me.. I'm suffering from DP/DR for more than 4 years now and it just keeps getting worse, I lost my touch with the world and I don't know what to do, everything seems pointless at this point. I've read some stoicism earlier, Seneca's letters to be exact, and I'm looking for any stoic advice on how to feel that my life has any meaning again. I'd prefer a practical thing to actually get up and do. Thank you!","This is an incredibly important post with an incredibly important question. So it shouldn't be handled on a fucking subreddit. You are at a point in your life where you need real, in person, therapeutic / medical help and attention. Now. Get off the internet. Go help yourself. For the people who read this and are not immediately suicidal, Stoicism doesn't really offer meaning to life. It removes the idea that meaning is required in order to be happy. What meaning does the sunshine have? What meaning is there, when you realize that the things stressing you out are only stressing you out because you let them? What meaning is there, when every career... every life goal... every choice besides how you use your mind is only preferred, and results only guaranteed if Nature allows them? The stoic answer would be this: You can be happy, in this moment, without any singular meaning to your life. Just read Mans Search of Meaning by Victor Frankl. You can also not commit suicide without a singular life meaning. See myself, who has no singular meaning to life, but still is not committing suicide. Finally, I would encourage you - you, specifically - to stop looking at your situation as binary. (Has helped / has not helped.) What you've tried so far has kept you alive. You should absolutely go get actual help and attention. But then, in your recovery, you should celebrate the 1% improvements. Not just the 100% ones. This is the only real way to create lasting change, habitually.",What to do when life loses all meaning,,general_qa 519,"I have been a longtime lurker on this sub and has taken advice from peoples' opinions. But even so, i have tried, the feeling yet remains. It has been years since we parted ways but the feelings i had for this person still lingers. I have tried to be stoic to things that usually do not matter and I usually am towards it, but when it comes to her, It's the only thing that can make me feel like shit. What can I do?","I think to some degree it's natural for important people to have a permanent imprint on us. There was a gal who left a mark on me when I was 20, and those feelings all came back when we were 37. I've had to let go of her twice. There's still an emotional imprint there, but without attachment or regret at this point. Ultimately you're the only person who can take a look at your own impressions, inspect them, understand them, and shift the opinions you've formed. I think step one is to name and identify what it is you're feeling. From there - what do those feelings usually mean? Anger can come from feeling like we've been wronged or had a boundary crossed. Grief and sadness - when we lose something. Anxiety - a fear of the future. Regret - a judgment the current you is placing on a younger version of you. Once you have that, ask yourself... what's the opinion you've formed here? What's the story you've made this out to be? When you inspect it with reason, does it hold water? Some element of it probably doesn't. Why is it hard to let go... I think it isn't necessarily ""hard"" so much as it just takes effort. If you've subconsciously formed a story or narrative about an outcome it's going to stay there indefinitely until you form a new opinion about it. There's the saying that ""time heals all wounds"" but I don't think it's an accurate one. If I break my leg it might ""heal"" over time... but in a fucked up way that causes me chronic pain :) It's not until we revisit these things and set them straight that the pain goes away.",Why is it hard to let go?,,general_qa 520,"Hello all. Yesterday I (F40) discovered that my partner (M41) has been cheating on me. I know that this is not my fault, is not a reflection on me as a person, and I accept that it is something out of my control. However, that does not mean I do not feel hurt by it. I have been betrayed by someone I am in love with. I am starting to feel a little bit annoyed at myself for feeling hurt, as I know it isn't productive and if I don't tackle it now it will have an impact on my mental health. I'd be very grateful if anyone could point me in the direction of any writing or quotes that might help me feel better about things. I'd be particularly interested in ideas about overcoming difficult times, feelings of betrayal, and forgiveness. TIA","Your approach so far is sound. Something happened to you, not because of you. You are acknowledging your normal human emotions hurt, annoyed, betrayal, etc. you should feel those things. Being a stoic doesn't mean that you don't have strong feelings or emotions. We are all human. We all get angry, sad, happy, annoyed at times. The difference is, I think, that a stoic is not driven by their emotions. You may want to rip your partners face off for hurting you and throw away all of their stuff, but you are able to see that an emotional reaction won't provide any change to the situation other than a temporary release of anger. In fact an emotional response can actually make your problems worse. Stoicism here can help stabilize you while you work through the deep feelings you described. Hurt doesn't go away with a punch to the wall. Sadness won't disappear with a kick to the shins. Together, they will give you a broken hand, a broken toe, regret, and the sadness and hurt are still there. I wanted to also point out that since you mentioned your mental health....you need to take care of yourself. I feel a stoic can be real to themselves as to where they are mentally, and understand what they are and are not capable of at any given time. If you need help, or think you need help, there are qualified people available to speak with you. Be your own best friend and provide yourself with all of the patience and support you would give to others faced with similar situations.",Stoic advice required for someone who has been cheated on,,general_qa 521,"I've been studying up on stoicism and incorporating stoic principles into my life the last few years. I've found it positive, and I don't really tell anybody - including my wife of over a decade. I've always been a bit of a closet stoic anyway - I've always found joy and contentment in the small things, listening to music, going to a movie, having a nice meal, going on a hike, and my goal in life now more than ever is to simply live in peace. Lately however I've noticed my wife is going on a particularly non-stoic path, the opposite in fact, and it's putting a strain on our relationship. Lately, she's much more concerned about personal appearance, personal wealth, and material things. She's kinda stuck on the hedonic treadmill, chasing bigger and better things - better clothes, better jewelry, better vacations etc. This year however money is tighter, as life is more expensive (the economy, inflation, cost of living etc.) and it's affecting her mood daily. She's said to me this weekend that she's unhappy and has got ""nothing to look forward to"" - despite the fact that we live in a comfortable home, both have gainful employment, good friends and family, and have at least one good vacation planned for later this summer. I don't know how to get her out of her funk, and it's starting to bring me down - not to mention it makes me a little resentful. I could introduce her to stoicism and some of its principles, but I'm honestly not sure she'd take to it. In fact, I think she'd reject it outright. I get the impression that she thinks I'm not ambitious enough, and don't earn enough money to give her the life she desires. I think she's projecting her negative outlook on me personally. At this point maybe professional counseling is necessary. Any advice? Thanks.",">don't earn enough money to give her the life she desires Stoicism completely aside, this is a terrible way for one human being to see another. If she wants more money, let her go and earn it.",Spouse/partner incompatibility/friction due to my stoic world view?,,general_qa 522,"I really like stoicism, but I feel like it's too hard for someone like me to act stoic, since I have always had a big anxiety disorder, so my head is always worrying about things inside or outside my control, and anxiety controlling and numbling my thoughts, making it hard to control my mind. Does anyone here also feel this? What help advice could you give for anxiety?","Perhaps instead of learning to 'act stoic' you can take a step back and work on 'thinking Stoic'? What I mean is, it's about examining your impressions. Is something good or bad, how can you look at it differently? I wonder if journalling can be your friend here? You can either gather a list of say 6 questions that you answer every day, or you can write down the things that made you anxious and what you found had a rational basis to your anxiety, and what was your mind playing tricks on you There is heaps on this site about journalling, or you can come back and ask for more suggestions if you want to ...",It's very hard to be stoic when you have anxiety disorder,,general_qa 523,I want some advice. How a stoic would deal with it.,"Start by outlining the damage. Get an accurate number on how ""bad"" the problem is. How many hours a day and week. From there just make progress. Aim for 5 minutes less per day, per week, even per month. It's about making the progress you can make. Be humble here. Be happier that you've made progress instead of belittling yourself about how far you have to go. If you stumble, go back and continue. Don't make it mean anything. Simply state the facts of the situation, time, place, location, and events, add no opinions. Then make a plan. If the plan doesn't work, just make a new plan based on what worked and failed from the last one. Have something to replace the time. Spend 5 minutes doing something you'd be proud of. You get to choose, just make sure you don't replace the new time with something equally as bad or worse. Of course take what is useful and discard the rest.",How to get rid of stress and loneliness related porn addiction?,,general_qa 524,What's the stoic way to deal with lust? I know it's not possible to entirely eradicate it as it's natural but any advice to significantly reduce my urges would be appreciated. Also is it possible to become voluntarily asexual?,"I just rub one out once in a while. That is in my control, doesn't hurt anyone and it simply keeps the urges in check.",How to deal with lust?,,general_qa 525,"I'm 36 and a journalist, or at least I used to be. After 7 years on the job, I was treated with horrible emotional abuse by my bosses, forced to undergo a humiliating Personal Improvement Plan that ended in my termination. That was in 2021. Despite my best efforts, dozens upon dozens of job interviews, getting to the second, third, and fourth round of interviews, I couldn't find another job. I freelanced as much as I could, got part-time jobs to supplement them, but none of them added up to any long-term stability. After offering some financial support over the last few years, my parents finally offered an ultimatum: they would pay for grad school in a completely new field for me. They, and my friends and partner, think this new fields plays to my strengths. Lacking any other options, and failing to come up with any alternatives on my own, I agreed. The plan makes sense on paper. Yet as I approach the beginning of classes, I am met with sudden anger that is very un-me. I get furious at my old bosses even though I know their actions were beyond my control, I get furious at myself for my career even though I know I was only making decisions with the information I had available at the time. I have made stoic values part of my life, and my partner reminds me of them regularly as I try to work through this struggle. Even though I have this new path available to me, and I should be grateful for it, I feel nothing but self-hatred and despair. Any advice for working through these feelings?","It sounds like you are working through these feelings consciously. That is what you need to do. Don't let any keyboard stoics here tell you otherwise. The truth is, we can know intellectually all we want about the dichotomy of control, or about stoic intellectual philosophy. But when it comes down to it, to real big life events, we actually have to WORK THROUGH big feeling responses. That we are having big feeling flow is NOT a failure. That IS the work of the Stoic. To have big feeling flow, and to let Reason/Awareness/Choice lead, IS the work of the Stoic. There is nothing wrong. Don't believe me? Let's have Seneca back you up on this. Where he specifically says having a feeling is not a problem, not even defined as an ""emotion"" and certainly not a failure of Reason. >An emotion, then, does not consist in being moved by the appearances of things, but in surrendering to them and following up this casual impulse. For if anyone supposes that turning pale, bursting into tears, sexual arousal, deep sighs, flashing eyes, and anything of that sort are a sign of emotion and mental state, he is mistaken and does not understand that these are merely bodily impulses.... >A man thinks himself injured, wants to be revenged, and then -- being dissuaded for some reason -- he quickly calms down again. I don't call this anger, but a mental impulse yielding to reason. Anger is that which overleaps reason and carries it away. So I could go into all kinds of practical advice for actually working through these feelings. But the very first thing I think is foundational here, is that *you are doing it* -- you are doing the work. And that the work is actually learning how to let these big feelings flow! For goodness sake, the modern stoic community is deeply confused here if we think there's something wrong with feelings or that we have to make them go away somehow (aversion!). In 5.25 Marcus specifically says, if there is feeling that rises up into our body, we shouldn't make it wrong or attach to it. We just allow it: >if [passions] rise into the soul by any sympathy with the body to which it is united, then we must not attempt to resist the sensation, seeing that it is of our nature; but let not the soul, for its part, add thereto the conception that the sensation is good or bad. way. I would like to offer you a reframe for this phase of your life, that you will likely see in hindsight in 10, 15 years or something - this is a massive time of growth, a massive phase of transition and character development, a massive learning phase. All the places where feelings rise loudly into your experience are learning opportunities, specifically about how to release any attachment (that reality should have gone differently) and aversion (that this feeling shouldn't be here, that it shouldn't be like this, right now). Having large feeling come up is actually a blessing - because you can work through it and then you are someone who knows how to let feeling flow without it becoming an emotion - a thing that hijacks your Reason. It can actually be fun, and enjoyable to work with big feeling once you see it as the free master class that it is :)",Letting go of anger and finding agency,,general_qa 526,"There's someone in my life that has extremely angry reactions to every inconvenience, regardless how minor. As a (aspiring) Stoic I struggle between wanting to do something to placate this person and wanting to make this person understand that this kind of inflammatory reaction is not the only way to approach this. Has anyone been in a similar situation and can you offer any advice?","Use Stoicism to work on your own flaws, not rail against others. Be as virtuous as possible and be the type of person that people ask for advice on life. It's very tempting and easy to have the knowledge and share it with others, but Stoicism is a philosophy of doing. The person in your life will eventually see that your way of doing things is better, or they never will. Either way, outside of your control","Stoic response to ""anti-stoic""",,general_qa 527,"I need a serious advice on this. In my past relation (which is my first), I had been kind and put up with the person calmly (didn't know about Stoicism back then, but been out of kindness, knowing the value of people) but looking back, the person emotionally abused me everyday, like a mind game (I thought a lot of times to end life and tried too, but the person couldn't care less). Though I kept up, and tolerated, I got dumped - no call, no text all, just off. And all of a sudden and people who I thought were 'friends' just took her side making plans with that person, dinner plans and shit (they are opposite sex) and never even bothered to ask me how I am. ( we both never really hung out often with these 'friends', but all of a sudden they became that person's 'best friends' ( from what one of my real friend told, they are mostly opposite sex). It's all like, I feel like a fool. I lost the opinion on words 'Friends' and 'love'. And I don't understand what I did wrong. After knowing Stoicism, I feel like I have only missed the 'keep in mind it's temporary' meditation. I want to deconstruct this in Stoic way and learn from this, help please. a little background about myself - I'm easy to forgive because I lost many people in my life since I was young, parent dying when I was a kid and everything made me kind of introvert. I don't share things with people easily because everyone seems to use them against me.",">And I don't understand what I did wrong. You didn't. Love isn't a ""game"" that you can ""win"", and that if it ends up not working out it doesn't mean you somehow failed to do it ""right"". As for the ""Stoic way of love"", we are encouraged to love as deeply as we can without risking our tranquility and equanimity, and that's a different level for each individual. I love my wife dearly, but I keep her(and my) mortality at the forefront of my mind, not to mention her ability to leave at any given moment. While it sounds depressing, understanding that it isn't fully in my control allows me to appreciate the time with her I do have(the current moment) and be a more passionate and considerate husband, which of course helps the relationship grow stronger. ​ >Never say of anything, ""I have lost it""; but, ""I have returned it."" Is your child dead? It is returned. Is your wife dead? She is returned. Is your estate taken away? Well, and is not that likewise returned? ""But he who took it away is a bad man."" What difference is it to you who the giver assigns to take it back? **While he gives it to you to possess, take care of it; but don't view it as your own, just as travelers view a hotel.** **^(Enchiridion 11)** ^(Edit: typo)",What's The Stoic way of love?,,general_qa 528,"As I understand, in ""The Prince"" Machiavelli argue ways for those who follow virtue to ""rise up"" in society by employing techniques, particularly immoral ones, that successful tyrannical figures achieve success with. While clearly a stoic should not be concerned with acquiring success or political influence, nor can one justify immoral actions for the sake of personal gain, can a stoic still learn from Machiavelli's philosophy, even if used as a guide of what not to do? I became interested in this particular dichotomy when I saw a short video titled ""Machiavelli's advice for nice guys"" (https://youtu.be/GTQlnmWCPgA). It made me wonder if you could establish a middle ground between stoicism and machiavellianism that would allow one to tiptoe the fine line of what's virtuous or even ethical in the attempt to be less submissive (aka a ""pushover""). While stoicism is a far more morally sound system of thought, it seems to limit a person from making significant change in the world, whether in politics (where Machiavelli focuses on), or in day to day life such as changing someone's mind or pushing them toward a more virtuous path. All of this stems my personal belief that no singular philosophy is wholly and truly perfect, and that it's more likely that some conglomerate of ideals from various schools of thought can coalesce into something greater than the sum of its parts, or in other words taking the best from each and discarding the rest.","Machiavelli's is more like a work on psychology rather than the antithesis of stoicism. It is for people who strive for more but cannot understand where they go wrong . If you read in the view of analysing it , you would get the answer "" we're all actors in this acting a specific role at a specific time and the only time you don't act is when you're dead"" it leads you to be stoic all the times as you don't have to get emotional but rather a pragmatic to benefit every situation tp your side . This is my take on the prince","Is Machiavelli's ""The Prince"" antithetical to Stoicism, or a response to it?",,general_qa 529,"I've really been struggling to keep myself on track with my goals recently and I was wondering if there's any stoic advice that pertains to this? (that preferably isn't memento mori, I've heard that one a lot already)","Do you ""combat"" putting your hand on the stove? Likely not at all. You only fight the urge to do what you think is improper. Right now you think working is the wrong choice. Instead of comparing yourself to a figment of your imagination where you do things perfectly I offer to be willing to do them poorly. You can improve what's there, not what doesn't exist. As of now your trying to pull a weight thats too heavy for you, just lower the weight. Look at what you're asking yourself to do and ask for less *until* you start. Work for one minute and let that be enough for a day, it's more than you usually do, why can't that be a victory?",Stoic advice for combatting procrastination?,,general_qa 530,"First things first: this is a throwaway account. I am a frequent reader of this subreddit and the abundance of sage advice given here has been very valuable to me. Thank you all for that. The reason for this post - as the title suggests - is something that has weighed heavily on me for quite some time and I am at a point where I feel like I need help dealing with it. I am sorry if the following is mostly an incoherent mess, the feeling is so intense and has been pent up for so long I don't know how to begin writing it down. I have always been a lover of nuance in opinions and thought. I do not believe that the answer to any challenge is ever black or white, right or wrong, 1 or 0. I believe any issue deserves to be discussed in a neutral manner, where opinions that fall outside of the doctrine accepted by the majority are not ridiculed or rejected just for not being completely in line with the concensus. It is therefore quite distressing to me that public discussion on pretty much anything concerning any type of ideology (in a broad sense) has become increasingly polarized over the past few years - at least that is my impression. On top of this comes the prevalence of the idea that it is each person's responsibility to police their fellow human beings and that outside opinions are something that need to be opressend, changed, weeded out. To me this is starting to take the shape of thought policing, where it does not matter what someone does, rather it is their opinions, thoughts and ideas that need weeding out. This is... scary is not the right word, but immensely sad to me and it feels anti-stoic. As a person who likes to live in the nuances, I feel that I have nowhere left to go. Every forum I subscribe to slowly becomes polarized and posts ridiculing the ""opposition"" or reinforcing the doctrine take up more and more space. And they are not opposed by anyone - or the few times they are, the community is quick to silence the ""rebel"". It is frustrating to me, because I agree on the premise of most modern ideologies, be it the necessity of vaccines, the empowerment of women, the need for climate-action, racial equality and so on, but I think that there are important nuances to discuss in all of them and it is simply not done. Worst of all I feel that it is taking hold of my girlfriend, whom I love with all my heart. She is increasingly preoccupied with what other people do, how they are wrong and how they are (she doesn't actually say this, but sometimes I feel that this is how she feel) subhuman. I realize the irony that I am actually myself preoccupied with other people's actions, although I will say that I do not judge them, they just make me incredibly and deeply sad. What is the stoic response to this world view (wether you agree with it or not)?",">I realize the irony that I am actually myself preoccupied with other people's actions, although I will say that I do not judge them, they just make me incredibly and deeply sad. It's more than just an irony, it is the root of your distress. For some reason, this attribute of human nature seems bigger to you than it really is, and the result is what Stoics call a 'passion', and unreasonable, disproportionate response. Understand why it seems so important, and you'll be able to set things right.",Dealing with a non-stoic world.,,general_qa 531," Hey, Stoic people of reddit. Today, I want to share couple of things and hear what you are going to say. I have this feeling that people see me as a boring and uncultured person. That is the reason I try to avoid any social interactions as much as possible. Also, I have low self esteem and confidence about my personality. I can not explain all my thoughts but still I would love to hear your suggestions, advices(any advice would be great books, quotes etc.)","The modern usage of ""feeling of inferiority,"" interestingly enough, seems to have started with Alfred Adler, who was a psychologist who developed a number of theories significantly inspired by Stoicism. To summarize: Adler suggested that the feeling of inferiority is a universal among humans. We are always aware of ways in which we are deficient--whether it be in terms of survival (as a small child might feel) or adult abilities. These comparisons can be very real and factual. For example, I am an objectively inferior artist, hunter, mechanic, etc. despite having skills in other areas. **Stoic Note:** *These items of inferiority do not need to have emotional judgement attached to them. They are neutral; indeed, the more intense the feeling may be, the more likely an unhealthy response to them will be.* The first step is to evaluate the feeling of inferiority. Might it actually be a feeling of shame, which would be the case if the area you are inferior in is culturally imposed? If so, you need to examine your judgments about whether it is valuable to follow the herd in this area. It's the epitome of pointlessness to feel inferior or make efforts to become superior in areas that you yourself don't value. If it's the product of someone else's value system, you're really wasting your life by feeling inferior or chasing after it. Read Seneca's *On the Shortness of Life* for more on this topic. On the other hand, maybe these domains are areas where you'd like to be competent, and are things that you value--but you are still currently inferior. If this is the case, then there are basically 4 ways you can respond to this feeling of inferiority. * **Inferiority complex:** Many people deal with feelings of inferiority by limiting themselves in some way. For example, one may feel inferior as a writer, but tell oneself ""I just don't have time to write. Once I finally I have time I'll definitely be amazing."" or ""If only I'd had a chance to go to a first-tier school; then I'd be a successful engineer. I guess I'll just have to be satisfied as I am."" This is basically a way to use false causality in order to blame external circumstances, rather than oneself, for inferiority. *More importantly*, it is an excuse not to try. If you don't try, you don't have to fail and continue to feel inferior. You can always give yourself hope that you are just a temporarily limited superior being. * **Superiority complex:** This strategy relies on fabrication, boasting, or ""giving authority"" to boost one's *perceived* superiority in the eyes of others. In other words, one still is and feels inferior, but relies on showing off, bragging about connections, or boasting about accomplishments in order to temporarily alleviate one's perceived inferiority. * **Superior-inferior complex:** This is an attempt to demonstrate a special kind of superior inferiority by invoking victimhood. For example, one might say ""You would never understand what it was like to get my crappy education. I never had enough money for a single book and had to work instead of doing homework."" or ""You'd never understand what it's like to be a social reject like I am. You can't understand what it is like to struggle socially as I have. Someone like me doesn't deserve any attention from others."" The important thing is that this is substituted for real attempts at attaining true superiority. * **Striving for superiority:** This is the only healthy response to feelings of inferiority (in cases where you actually value potential superiority). This requires the opposite of what you're doing; it demands engagement with the object of inferiority. It means having the courage to face trying, failing, and then continuing to try. It means not comparing yourself to others but rather just being as courageous as one can in facing feelings of inferiority, fear of scorn and failure, etc. Your case is actually kind of a classic example. >I have this feeling that people see me as a boring and uncultured person. That is the reason I try to avoid any social interactions as much as possible. Also, I have low self esteem and confidence about my personality. Okay. You think you're boring and uncultured. What are you going to do about it? First of all--you're not going to get anywhere by isolating yourself. If you actually want to spend time with people, do so whether you think you're boring or not. Guess where good social skills and the ability to make interesting comments comes from? Practice. Participation. Even if it's scary. I'm not going to lie--sometimes people might reject you. That's where the Stoic side of all this comes in--you need to be courageous. You need to face this inferiority and put yourself out there--without being super attached to any particular result. There are, of course, things you could do. You could read books about being social. You could talk to a therapist. You could explore your own areas of interest and socialize with people that ""get"" you in these areas. But none of that is going to matter or be worth anything unless you're actually engaging. And all of the above are great ways to develop an inferiority complex and procrastinate actually *doing* what you need to do--which is talk to people. You have low self-esteem and feel people think you're boring. So what? You're not hurting anyone by interacting despite this. And you'll get better. Being boring isn't an inherent part of anyone's personality. You should not, as others have suggested, simply accept your situation and be at peace with your isolated social role in life. *But nor should you set your heart on social success.* Neither is actually the Stoic way. The Stoic way is to find rest and peace in *exercise of the virtues.* You find peace in *doing your best*, regardless of success or failure. Is sociability good? Is it good to have friends or a partner? These are nice things, but your happiness need not depend on them. Nevertheless, they point the way to fields of endeavor that are probably worth some effort, and as such this means they are probably valuable ways to practice virtue. Maybe they don't deserve as much effort as, say, ruling an empire or trying to control/depose Nero. Maybe they don't deserve as much effort as supporting a family or putting food on the table, or pursuing justice. But it is still a valid, natural field of human activity and deserves at least some attention. And if that's the case, then it deserves *virtuous* attention. So try your best and accept the result. Take joy in your exercise of courage. But I do want to point out that you shouldn't be subjecting all this to direction from social values. What I mean is--there is no value in trying to up your social cred with the wrong group. There is no value in just adopting their values and thought patterns. Be yourself, but strive for the best version of whatever that is. By the way, if you'd like to learn more about Adlerian psychology specifically a great book is *The Courage to be Disliked*, which was written by two Japanese authors as a dialogue-based way to teach Adler's methodology.",What does Stoicism suggest about feeling inferior to others?,,general_qa 532,"Hi everybody. I found my Dad yesterday morning. He'd died suddenly in his home, alone. This hurts immensely to think about. Around 8 years ago I also found my mother dead. I thought I'd processed that, but I'm finding all those feelings are coming back up now. Maybe that's natural, I'm not sure. A couple of months back I had started to dabble in Stoicism as a concept. I've listened to Meditations and found it really insightful in reframing everyday life. I was hoping to get some advice on the Stoic approach to grief, as I'm really struggling here to tell you the truth. Could anybody point me in the right direction? Thanks very much.","First of all, time has a curative effect on your mind. So give it some time to start with. Remember Seneca when he wrote to his mother a letter to console her grief: > I realized that your grief should not be intruded upon while it was fresh and agonizing, in case the consolations themselves should rouse and inflame it: for an illness too nothing is more harmful than premature treatment. So I was waiting until your grief of itself should lose its force and, being softened by time to endure remedies, it would allow itself to be touched and handled. - Seneca 11.1 Of Consolation to Helvia I realize that you are suffering. But that is natural. Don't suppress it. Don't deny it. Lean into it, at least for a day or two. Most often you will find yourself starting to come to terms with what has happened. Consider looking up what the Stoics had to say about grief, perhaps the rest of Seneca's letter above. The common themes I used to interrogate my grief were; * Everyone must die, those are the rules of life, why should I desire the rules to be changed just for me? * We are all given a certain amount of time, is there not some gratefulness to be had in that he had this much time rather than this little? * I am not alone for his wisdom lives on in me. Not only in terms of what virtues to imitate but also in his flaws, and what to avoid. * There is no suffering in death, there is no harm. It is no evil. I would feel grief, weep, course correct by interrogating it and then distract myself. And repeat the pattern. The Stoics prescribe a lot different. But personally I wasn't ready to implement all the prescriptions at a time of crisis. It would be like waking up at the olympics and trying to become an athlete while running the race by reading a book while running about how to become a runner.",Advice on Grief,,general_qa 533,"About a month and a half ago my now ex girlfriend completely shattered my heart (Not gonna go into much detail about it. But my post history has a lot about it). I cried myself to sleep every-night for two weeks. I've been somewhat getting better, and haven't been as sad about it for the past 3 weeks or so. Mostly due to stoicism I've been able to accept what happened somewhat. But there's just some residual sadness there. I wouldn't even call it sadness though because I don't really feel that sad about it anymore. It's more like a ""smug"" feeling that's constantly just there all day. I can still go about my life fine. It's just that feeling.. It's just been overall detrimental to my happiness. Is there any stoic advice to shake this feeling and my ex? Feel free to ask if you need more context. Thanks.","You're right, you can't ""shake it"". You have to accept the situation **and** the feelings around it. Day by day, take care of your responsibilities and try to act appropriately regardless of how you feel. Don't skip school to stay home crying, but when the day is over and you're back home, go ahead and cry if that's what you feel. Break ups hit like nothing else, you'll probably feel sad about this for a while. i'm assuming you're young and this is your first love. You will get over it, and most likely will go through the same thing with another girl at some point - probably multiple. I've been there twice. I'm 2 years out from the last one and it still stings sometimes. Stop trying to feel better, accept the emotions as they come. There's no magic switch or perspective change that will take away the pain. Just gotta go through it.",I've been trying to shake my ex girlfriend and that pain that comes with the breakup. But it seems like I just can't.,,general_qa 534,"Long story short: my brother and his wife have been separated for a few years now. But they have a (five year old) son together whom I love more than anything on earth. But my brother, at the moment, is not very financially secure. Between having to take care of his son and paying child support to his wife, as well as taking care of a dog, he's not doing very well. And him and my dad also do not get along and they came to blows last thanksgiving getting into a proper fight. My heart aches for him, and the main reason is because I can't control the situation. I've tried coming to terms with the stoic idea that it's all outside my control but that hasn't helped much. Neither has engaging in negative visualization and thinking about the worst possible thing that could happen (my SIL gets full custody of their son and possibly takes him back to her home country while my brother is all alone, leading to him possibly killing himself). I'm just at a loss on what to do at this point and am hoping someone here can provide guidance. Or if it is outside the purview of this sub, let me know.",">I've tried coming to terms with the stoic idea that it's all outside my control but that hasn't helped much. It's not an idea. It's a fact. After which you get to choose whether to agonize over things you can't control (e.g. the future and other people) or focus on doing what you can as best you can. If you can help your brother, do that. Encourage him verbally, show him you care and let him work to improve his own situation. Help him financially if you can (unfortunately, you may discover that money weakens the bonds of love). You should remember none of these things were forced upon him, from marriage and his son, down to the dog. He picked up these responsibilities. He chose to fight your father. He is a grown man that you are not responsible for. Only he is.",Stoic advice for dealing with my brother and his current familial and financial situation?,,general_qa 535,"Hello everyone, I'm aware of the basic principles and theory of stoicism. However, is there anything relating to the sphere of self respect and self confidence? In a nutshell, I am aware my self confidence and self respect are near an all time low and I was wondering for a stoics opinion or advice on how to come to terms with where I am, what is keeping me here and what actions I need to take to realise the situation and push through them. This isn't a oh I'm worried what others think situation, it is purely, I have recognised this in myself and wish to find a stoics methodology to combat this issue and progress to the next step. Thank you for reading this far In the past I have already... I'm order to remove fears and anxieties I have thought along the practical lines of try it and see. And that has so far kept me well, sometimes it goes well and others it fails but it's better to be aware of the realities and prepare for them and then go ahead with it rather than worry and this has helped me progress in my career and network with people I was too anxious to speak with.","When you say you confidence in yourself is low, what standard are you measuring your capabilities against?",self confidence and self respect questions,,general_qa 536,"So for some back story. I am a 25 year old male who works as an HVAC technician by day. I am the oldest of 5. I have three younger siblings still in elementary school. Two of them are boy girl twins (8 years old) and the last one is a 10 year old girl. Obviously Im very close with them and always try to set an example for them. With covid they were switched over to partial home schooling. My mother works full time and inquired me to help her find a tutor for them to help them in areas that they are struggling. I love to teach, so I offered myself to be their tutor. 3 days a week Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I'm super excited but also sort of nervous. I guess I would like some advice from other stoics who have tutored before. Thank you.","Start them small - their appetite for home-learning will be small at first, and so the lesson should have a short duration. Make the first few lessons easy and short, and easy to ""win"" at. Over 5 lessons or so, ramp up to full difficulty - this will likely be the difference between every lesson being a fight and every lesson being something they willingly turn up for. It'll be routine before they hit any difficulties. If they hit difficulties before it is a routine, their solution will be to try to avoid it the whole thing, and you can't win a battle of wills against a 10-year-old (and you *definitely* can't win against an 8-year-old) - children have iron wills but tiny brains.",Tutoring my younger siblings. General advice and possible ways to introduce them to stoic thought.,,general_qa 537,"A lot of the people in my life are very extroverted and I am the polar opposite. I mean introverted in the sense that I get my energy from being alone and being around others drains me, but I still do want to see people Usually at gatherings I have a great time initially catching up with everyone. But then I inevitably hit the introvert wall suddenly all these lovely people become intolerable to me (just to be clear I have no judgement towards extroverted people, I just it all overwhelming and need alone time). I've developed a lot of coping mechanisms which mainly involve disengaging politely and finding some alone time to recuperate or simply going home. Sometimes however it just isn't an option and I'm stuck with complete sensory overload and can't think straight. Are there any Stoic coping mechanisms for these times when it simply isn't feasible to disengage without being rude?","If I have my own car, I leave if needed. I don't let others intimidate me into staying.",Stoic advice for introverts,,general_qa 538,"(Need Advice) How do i practice being stoic. For all my life my feelings always got the best of me and ended up me being backstabbed and hurt by people based on my value of help and kindness . How do i attain discipline and not give a fuck about the opinions of other people. We live in a world where other people matter so my questions to you fellow redditors is what mental changes do i have to do to become stoic what are the daily exercises to becoming mentally \\stoic' Anger has a a better of me that i make decisions that cause regret later how do i change this","Becoming a stoic is a case of following your head rather than your heart. Emotions are inconsistent. Useful, yes. Necessary, yes. But inconsistent. **Logic** is consistent. You're looking for a way to make the hard things easy, but that will never happen. Don't wish for an easy life. Become strong enough for a hard one. Next time you encounter a situation in which you know what you should do, but want to do something else, **see it as a dragon to be slain.** Say you have to make your bed but you're tired and want to watch tv instead. Recognise this as your test, and overcome it, and when you overcome it, recognise it as a triumph. From there, just keep the momentum. Keep overcoming and staying aligned with your logic. You will not always succeed. But that is not an excuse to fall back into comforts. Try again. Be courageous. Grab the damn sword and keep swinging. Be smart. Be wise. Be brave.",I Plan on becoming stoic help...,,general_qa 539,"Recently I've cut down on material things such as clothes, I've stopped caring so much about money and so on, so I care a lot less about material things not because I'm trying to be stoic or anything just because I literally don't care about them anymore, but now however I've been left with no motivation, what should I be motivated to do? If not to make money or to obtain material things? Well my motivation should be to get a good education get a good job right? But for what? To make money? Which I don't care about? I'm lost so would do with some advice thanks","Money is a useful tool as long as you know what you are going to use it for, but if you do not know what you want to do, just start trying things out and concentrate on the small things. Get moving (literally, go for a walk), find ways to do good, help others, learn skills, read, you can worry about meaning and purpose later.",Materialistic,,general_qa 540,"I always worry about how my voice sounds to others, stumbling over my words, running out of things to say, not doing something that is expected of me in certain situations and looking clueless. I feel like everyone is observing how I behave. Social interaction are terrible for me. I am scared of everyone....","I could tell you about Epictetus or Stoic theory. But that is for after. First... have you considered seeing a therapist specialized in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy? They could literally care less if you stumble over your words, how your voice sounds and so on.they just want to help with specifically your problem. A lot of them can do first sessions over the phone too or face time. CBT finds its roots n Stoicism and is meant to solve a particular psychological problem such as irrational fear of something. Stoicism goes a lot further and also teaches you a way of life.",please I need stoic advice to cope with social anxiety,,general_qa 541,"(I understand that I should really just seek professional help regarding my BPD but please understand that as of now I am incapable of affording therapy) ​ All my life I have had trouble sustaining close relationships with people, especially people I have been closely attached to, romantically or platonically. It was 1.5 years ago that I studied about BPD and a lot of my behaviour started to make sense. Let me clarify that I have not been diagnosed by a medical professional, but my diagnosis is completely autonomous after reading countless articles, watching videos and having conversations with people afflicted with BPD. I started following advice that was given to me by people, or recommended to me by the internet. Quite frankly, that did not prove to be of siginificant help. I ended up ruining relationships with two people in just a matter of a few months because of my impulsiveness, aggression and volitility. I get triggered by the smallest things sometimes. A person cloes to me could look at me differently, and it would make me feel hurt and angry. They might end up doing nothing at all in some circumstances and that would hurt me as well. Whatever actions they perform, even though it might not be inherently bad, it almost strikes me as the evillest thing they could do to me. I had really had enough of my own behaviour and I felt as if I was going crazy. I stumbled upon a video about Seneca, and the whole concept of stoicism was unfurled to me. I feel the need to clarify again that I am not sure where i quite stand as a ""stoic"". I only possess cosmetic knowledge of this philosophy, and have barely even read Letters from a Stoic by Seneca (Just two of the letters, as I remember). I have sort of combined my own ideals with that of whatever I could grasp from the resources on Stoicism to act in a certain way whenever I am going through an emotional outburst. This is what I usually do when I am going through a bad episode- ​ 1. I let my emotions flow through me, and I try to identify exactly what it is that's bothering me. I try to find the root cause. I try to understand my triggers. 2. Once I have understood my feelings, I force myself to NOT act at all while I am still going through a breakdown. I withdraw myself from the situation and isolate myself. 3. Once I am back to my senses, I either decide to take an action after rationally studying the situation, or I do not act at all. This seems to have been working really nicely for me, atleast for the past few months. I have saved myself from ruining several relationships over the past year. There were atleast 3 instances where I strongly felt that I evaded situations that could've destroyed my bonds with the people closest to me. But as of lately, I have been faced with a dilemma that I wish to solve- If I really try to not act on my feelings, am I sort of lying to myself? Am I being unfair to my natural brain chemistry by acting in a way different from what I should be acting as? I am not sure whether I have really controlled my destructive emotions or whether I have been enslaved by them. I feel no less than a caged bird trying to break out. It almost makes me feel as if I am putting restrictions on myself, as though I am limiting my own life by not doing what I wish to be doing. Although I do understand that my actions could lead to harm that I would have a hard time getting over, but the thought of acting on my impulses feels almost tempting during my episodes. When I isolate myself, it almost feels as if my emotions are burning me from the inside. Once I am out of my breakdown, I start questioning myself whether ""burning"" myself was the better option all along, at the expense of not telling the person what I felt in that moment, that could potentially harm the both of us. ​ ​","I can't think of anything better for one who has Borderline Personality Disorder than to study Philosophy (in particular Stoicism). So, Congratulations there! You can and will help yourself immeasurably when you study and apply what you learn. I am not an expert about Borderline Personality Disorder, but I was raised by a Mom who definitely had all the hallmarks of it. As a result of being raised by her I adopted her ""black and white thinking"" which is a handicap, as I am sure you are aware. I, like you, wanted to improve my life and didn't have much money for therapists, so I studied RBT (Rational Behavioral Therapy) on my own. RBT and (CBT Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) are both built on Stoic philosophy. The great news for you and I is that BPD is a thinking disorder and we are in charge of what we think! Identify first what is in our control and what is not. We do not have any dominion over the thoughts and actions of others. Stoicism teaches us that things are not ""good"" or ""bad"" it is our thinking that makes it so. I encourage you to read more about Stoicism and find an author who resonates with you. Many people like Ryan Holiday. I found a lot of value in a book by William Irvine. There are many YouTube videos about Stoicism. Here is a good [introduction](https://youtu.be/seLLJP3H1FU) by Massimo Pigliucci, Professor of Philosophy, he has written some good books too. I'm confident that you can make huge strides in improving your life if you study! Take advantage of all the good people on Reddit who are willing to help you.",I have been using the Stoic Philosophy to counter my Borderline Personality and something bothers me.,,general_qa 542,"People always say ""Be happy in the success of others"" but I am just not able to apply it. Instead of getting motivated by the success of other people I get demoralised. Other people succeeding not only makes me jealous, but more importantly, it reminds me of my own failure. It brings about thoughts like ""I couldn't do it but this person could. Am I just not good enough?"" Not only is this bad for my mental peace but it also disrupts any progress I've made and makes me want to give up. It also creates a sense of malice that shouldn't exist. How would a stoic deal with this and channel it to better themselves? Edit: Thank you for the advice everyone. I have understood a lot and realised what to do now. Thank you.","How are you measuring success? I am in my early 50s. I have worked my way to ... Ehh .. upper middle class. My family is by no means wealthy, nor do we go without. I would say, we are financially stable. I have 1 job I hate, and own a business which I love I have a modest home at 900 square feet. I am an honest man who runs an honest business. I sleep well at night on a clean conscious. I have a wife who I believe to be exceptionally beautiful, however, that is because I choose to see her that way. She is 5'6"", around 200 lbs, and somewhat plain looking. She has beautiful eyes, soft Mousie brown hair, her skin is as soft and smooth as a baby. She's exceptionally beautiful to me because I choose to not judge her according to the ""beauty standards"" of others. I have 4 children, some I made, some I didn't. They all love me without question. Even the one who has faltered and is making amends. I have friends with huge homes, I have friends who have the latest cars, beautiful jewelry, latest phones. Many of those friends are 1/2 a million in debt. They argue with their families about many things. Are they more successful than me? I have nearly no debt. I have a wife who I adore, and she adores me. I have kids who are little monsters, but I was too. They know they are loved and I know they love me. They will grow and learn. Check the stick by which you measure success. Be proud of your achievements. Each day, the only person you need to strive to be better than is the person you were yesterday. Find peace within yourself.",How do I suppress jealousy that stems due to the success of others?,,general_qa 543,"I have been practicing and studying stoicism for the past two years, but sadly, all of a sudden, everything I learned has gone away. For example, everything I thought this philosophy to make me think does not affect me like it used too. I am slowly reverting to my old self. That being worried about everything, thinking too much about the future, I'm not willing to take on challenges and now I am constantly doubting myself. I am at a lose and I do not know what to do. Im afraid. Thank you for reading. Any advice would help.","Alright. With the limited information I have about your situation, my best suggestion is to go back to basics. If you feel you are regressing, return to the starting point of your journey with Stoicism and remind yourself of the basics, why they make sense & why they're important. Have you been working very hard lately? Consider taking some time off to relax. Which stoic writings have you read, apart from Ryan Holiday?",Needing Advice from fellow Stoics,,general_qa 544,"I'm in a pretty desperate place right now and thought I'd see if this community could help me out. To give a little background, one of my very precious cats has a genetic heart disease that seems to be progressing. He's only 7 years old and seems very healthy otherwise, but his heart may be failing. I've known that the day I get bad news could be coming, so I've done some reading on the stoic perspective on grief and loss, but now that I've gotten bad news it seems like all of that work has just gone out the window. I'm a total mess, unable to focus on the tasks I need to complete for the day because I can't stop thinking about this anticipatory grief. I've seen some other posts on this sub related to pet loss, but most of them have to do with older pets that have lived full lives. I'm struggling with finding a stoic way to cope with the premature loss of such a young cat. Please let me know if you have any stoic advice for making it through such a challenging time.","otherize. What would you tell a friend or a stranger in a coffee shop? sometimes thinking in 3rd person as if it is not happening to you helps with the emotional tie of a pet. Some thoughts: The mind that is anxious about future events is miserable. Give yourself the gift of the present moment. Enjoy each day because it could be your last or your pets last. Remember your children (or pets) are not your own, but are lent to you by the creator. Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened. Wishing you peace of mind and life in the present moment.","Advice on how to deal with a young, terminally ill pet",,general_qa 545,"I'm pretty new to stoicism and I'd like to know what advice stoics have for someone who is really constantly comparing themselves to others. I'm really bad with this and I make everything about myself. If a friend gets a promotion I think ""why not me?"" or they get into a relationship I think ""why not me?"". I feel like nothing good happens to me and I want to learn to focus on myself and improve my life instead of thinking so much about other people's lives and what they're doing.","Consider that it makes no sense to envy someone who you do not know is happy. And consider that you can never know whether someone else is happy. Therefore, envy never makes sense.",How can I stop comparing myself to others?,,general_qa 546,"Dear Stoics, tldr: My mother is dysfunctional and her mindset is the cause of her suffering. She doesn't take good advice. Watching her suffer is making me sad, sometimes guilty that I don't try and help more, but I can't live her life for her. So what should I do? I really need some advice. By my own standard, life is great. I enjoy my job, my relationships with friends, physically healthy, financially stable etc. However, my mother who I love unconditionally, who has tried to provide me with everything she could (Extremely low income, immigrant) is the source of my discomfort. As I'm getting older, I'm starting to realise that she is her own worst enemy. She take zero accountability of her emotions and actions, she's financially incompetent, she's illiterate but refuses to learn how to read and write, refuses my advice to go to therapy (abusive childhood and relationship), she can't use a computer or a smartphone, the list really goes on. She's truly a dysfunctional woman, it breaks my heart to say it, but it's the truth. I'm 24, I've spent the past few years trying to help and advice her, but I've come to realise, I can't help her. She doesn't take on any advice. I've spent countless hours advising her, she'll listen but doesn't put anything into action, I know I'm wasting my time. Her demons are greater than me, they started long before I was born. How do I deal with this? I'm starting to accept that she'll die soon, from self inflicted stress. She doesn't sleep, she's overthinking about the past and things out of her control. I don't know what to do. I'm stuck between wanting to dedicate my formative years to helping her become happy, but I also need to live my life. What the fuck (excuse my language) should I do? What would the greatest Stoics do? I'm sorry if this isn't appropriate here or if I'm not coherent or just ranting.","You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. She is on her own journey, and she has to fight her own demons. We all do. You can do little things to help her, but you can't save her. She has to save herself",My mother is breaking my heart,,general_qa 547,"Disclaimer: this post may seem juvenile, but please bear with me, as I am truly seeking advice. Hello everyone. I am quite new to Stoicism, having found the philosophy a week ago and ordered meditations off Amazon. I have begun trying to apply the stoic ideas to my daily life and have immediately seen an improvement in how I manage stress, my obligations, and my outlook on life. One of my goals in 2023 is to divulge my feelings of love to a certain girl, whom I have been wanting to tell for months. However, I fear rejection greatly, as most people do. How would I best use stoicism to help me deal with the result confessing my feelings, whether positive or negative? Would I tell myself that her response is out of my control, so it is no use to worry about? Or would I approach it differently? I have been journaling my thoughts over the last few days, which has helped reduce some stress about it. Thank you all! I hope you have a wonderful day.","You don't ""confess your feelings"" to a person you have a crush on. You tell them you like them and you ask them out on a date. If they say no, then be a grown-up and say, ""No worries!"" Don't approach them about it again. If they say yes, then you can quit stressing about it. Either way, your fear of rejection is irrational. So what if they do ""reject"" you? What happens? Nothing. Your life goes on exactly as it has before, only you know they're not interested and you can move forward with your life. If they say yes, then that's icing on the cake. In both scenarios, you've effectively moved past your fear of rejection. Go get 'em tiger.",How would a stoic go about attempting to enter a relationship?,,general_qa 548,"Our one year anniversary is coming up and she has great things planned for us. We got a opera visit and dates and all that good stuff but I've been noticing, that instead of enjoying my time with her, I feel empty and a lack of feelings towards her for quite a whole now. This puts me in a spot with immense pressure since neither one of us is completely emotional stable and she wouldn't get far without the big emotional anchor I represent to her. I'm a person that even doe im still in school have to show strength and joy to the poeple around me since a lot of them depend on me. Maybe you are able to understand my situation and can give me one of tjose wise stoic quotes or just som words of encouragement and wisdom to help me do the right thing here since it's hard for me to open up to poeple in real life. I'll answer any questions and thank you for the advice in advance :)","> I feel empty and a lack of feelings towards her for quite a whole now. That can only properly end one way. Anything else would be dishonest, and unfair to both of you. How and when are up to you, but delay makes it more costly. The every day together is another day lost.",How do I deal with falling out of love?,,general_qa 549,"Hi all -- A few days ago I went to a party for a friend. I girded myself, knowing that they have some views I find bothersome, that vary from silly and misguided to repugnant and upsetting. But I prided myself on being the quietest person in the room for most of the night, letting those things just slide right off of me. In fact, it was one of my best performances in a long time, and the day after I was very, very proud of myself for letting so much slide. I thought I comported myself as a good Stoic. Trying to approach the conversations with a genuine detachment, entertaining views, or at least doing a good job of holding them at arm's length, not letting them penetrate my inner citadel. I reflected on a few of my favorite quotes in preparation for the night: * You can judge the size of a man by what makes him angry. --Adlai Stevenson (I recently misattributed this to Reinhold Niebuhr on this sub, sorry about that) * Learn to see others' behavior as a reflection of their relationship with themselves. But in the last day or two, I've spent a lot of time going over the things they said that bothered me -- mostly social or political views, in case that wasn't clear. I've spent a lot of time rehearsing arguments, thinking about how I would respond. What I could have said or should have said. Constructing airtight responses in my head... Some of their views, I thought, amounted to a kind of personal attack on me or my profession, and that bothered me. In other instances, they seemed to get angry about all of the wrong things and I could only shake my head. In other instances, they had views that were pretty ridiculous and suggested they had been getting their news from the wrong places, if you get my drift. In other instances, they might have made a worthwhile point but failed to realize that applying that view consistently would also undermine a lot of what they themselves believe, or commit them to other views they probably *didn't* want to take on. And on and on and on. A lot of very sloppy and poorly informed thinking, or a lack of empathy. And all wrapped into a kind of smug self-assuredness. This is one of my greatest weaknesses when it comes to Stoicism -- letting things like this get under my skin, and letting these thoughts fester for days or weeks or *months* after these conversations took place. That's why I was so proud of myself immediately after; because I knew this would be tough and I thought I had done well. But it's all creeping back in now. Any advice would be helpful. Thanks.","You might want to try relaxing into those thoughts. When they start up, just watch them... Don't engage, don't argue, don't back and forth... Just sit there watching. Watch and see how your body reacts and then, try to actively relax and let those reactions pass. If you're not feeding the thoughts with more mental effort, they should fade. You're teaching your body and mind to relax in the face of these things instead of reacting.",Need a pep talk -- bothered by my friends' views and spent a lot of the last few days rehearsing arguments,,general_qa 550,"So I (18/m) have been practicing stoicism for the past few months, but recently ran into a problem I can't seem to get over. A few weeks ago I had my heart shattered by someone I cared deeply about and who I thought cared about me as well. Unfortunately, this could not have come at a worse time for me, as I have exams in a few months with university placements riding on my results. I have not been able to concentrate on my work and my goals because of what happened. I try not to wallow in it and try to do things that bring me pleasure (play sports, serve my community), but whenever I sit down to work my thoughts wander. Unhelpful, intrusive thoughts. Mourning the things that we will do together no more and creating fake scenarios of what we could've been in my head. She also declined to give me any closure, so I feel very alone with this. I still have to see her almost every day and I subconsciously create strategies to try and get her back. I recognise these thoughts and imaginations as unhelpful, but it's almost like the pain keeps dragging me back kicking and screaming into this little personal hell I have created. I need to focus on my work, on my goals, but I simply can't. I thought I was stoic enough, but this is slowly killing me inside and out. Advice would be appreciated. Edit: She wasn't officially my girlfriend as a few people are suggesting. It was one of those horrible almost-relationships where I thought we had something, thus treating it as a proper relationship and investing into it as such. Added context, appreciating all the advice received.","Breakups can be great fuel. Put a saddle on that pain and ride it to greatness. Hit the gym, focus in on studies/career, etc.. Go built a life that bitch will regret not being a part of. A life well lived is the best revenge.",Need help focusing on my goals after a heartbreak,,general_qa 551,"Hello all, Daniel, 22M here. Have been reading up on stoicism for a few years now, but some times I am more stoic than others. Would appreciate any advice, stoic and non-stoic ( I have recieved great advice on this sub ). I feel like I fall in love, too easily, and as a result get heartbroken quite often too. Im average-decent looking I would say. Student-athlete with I would say good social skills. All it takes for me to fall in love with a girl is just a good first date and a kiss, and I feel like today, girls give those away like it's nothing, and im left quite upset as a result. I am no Don Juan, its true that I don't have a lot of options with women. I have had women who loved me, who I wasn't as attracted to - and vice versa. I hate being in love, I hate these ups and downs and how it makes me feel. I hate the uncertainty. Its unnatural. I don't like the game-aspect of it, the chasing and reeling. Why cant it be simpler, easier. We meet, the first date goes perfect, why the games now? Most of my success has been with older women, simply because they don't put up the same games, but I really want a younger girl my age. How would you look at it? What would you do? What am I doing wrong? Thank you, sincerely appreciate it P.S : Please no generic self improvement stuff, I work out extensively, am constantly learning, and I take care of my hygiene and style.",">All it takes for me to fall in love with a girl is just a good first date and a kiss, and I feel like today, girls give those away like it's nothing I mean they are nothing. If your only experience with someone is that you've eaten dinner with them once and kissed them once, then the thing you're calling ""love"" is actually ""barely knowing someone"". And it is *objectively* barely knowing someone - you call such a small thing ""love"" for a reason. It serves a purpose for you to define it this way - in your mind, it probably justifies a lot of extreme, inappropriate behavior that, were you not to brand it ""love"", you'd be forced to acknowledge as problematic. It's likely your entire sense of not being able to solve your problem is the result of ring-fencing certain toxic behaviors as ""unassailable, on account of how this is *love*"". >Most of my success has been with older women, simply because they don't put up the same games, but I really want a younger girl my age. But you've not had success - you're single. Older women are likely far more competent at extracting sex safely from a confused young man whilst not being entrapped by his toxic behaviors. They probably see what you're defining as ""love"", comprehend exactly why you're doing it, and know exactly how to navigate around your confusion in order to get what they want. But younger women are, ironically, not playing games - they want a relationship and by calling such a tiny thing ""love"" (which will cause you to *act* as though it's love), you demonstrate yourself incapable of building a relationship *together* (after all, you've gone all the way to the ""end zone"" without their involvement at all). You are playing games by the way - defining a single date and a kiss to be ""love"" is a game you're playing. Do not waste your time insisting you don't *behave* like you're in love - you do. It wouldn't be possible to define yourself that way and not act it out - to believe something is to live as though it's true. Those incredibly creepy, premature behaviors and why you cannot date successfully. Because this is merely a problem of definition, the solution is simple - you need to work hard and apply your willpower to *restraining* your tendency to define the situation his way. When you begin defining a minuscule amount of nothing as ""love"", you need to consciously apply your willpower to unwind that behavior. When you find yourself behaving as though that is true, you need to expend willpower to focus your attention on the fact it isn't and behave *that* way instead. It won't feel natural at first, but with practice, you'll quickly see the superior results it returns, and then you'll naturally begin to believe that what you were previously defining as ""love"" never was.",Advice on love and relationships?,,general_qa 552,"Hello all, I hope you're having a good evening. I have lurked this subreddit under a different account for sometime and I really appreciate the philosophy here, and attempt to apply it daily. This year has been good to me. I went back to school in January, entered into a relationship, and am on track to get all As this semester. Unfortunately I am feeling really low right now, and I would like some advice on how to handle myself. I am stressed from pushing myself in school, handling work, and a relationship. This path month has been hell on earth for school, I have been so busy. When I'm not working on school, I've been working, and if I'm not doing that I'm with my girlfriend. I kinda broke down in front of her tonight. I feel insecure, like she is going to get tired of me or find someone else. I feel like this is bottled up stress coming out, but I'm just not sure.","""In the morning when thou risest unwillingly, let this thought be present,--I am rising to the work of a human being. Why then am I dissatisfied if I am going to do the things for which I exist and for which I was brought into the world?"" - Marcus Aurelius We are blessed with the gift of sentience and should be happy every day that we get to wield it, regardless of whether the sum of our experiences are good or bad that day. To be alive and feel and think and exist is a wonderful gift in it of itself, and we shouldn't let a day go by without acknowledging the fundamental wonder of our own being. It is always obviously easier said than done, but to acknowledge that life is long and will always have its share of hardship and suffering in proportion with its moments of levity is the only way to come to terms with the fact that existence is also just painful.","Need stoic advice on insecurity, anxiety, and stress management",,general_qa 553,"My poor 11 yr old had an accident in school because of their draconian bathroom rules. I know they are trying to limit kids from goofing off but this is worse than prison. Anyway, he asked to go, was told no and his worst fears came true. He isn't sure if anyone knows and is terrified to go back to school. What can I say to him that might help? I've come up with ""we shouldn't allow ourselves to feel shame for what we can't control"" but trying to find a better way to help him. This is the sort of thing that can traumatize a person for life so any advice is welcome.","I'm the father of a middle-schooler and I really feel for both of you. I think it's a tough age to teach stoicism to; kids are in the grip of their emotions, lack perspective on the relative importance of things, and so on. I think you may get farther with loving support than with suggesting stoic practices to your son. I'd also have a word with the school to get them to lighten up in their bathroom discipline.",Stoic Advice for a Middle Schooler,,general_qa 554,"I have an annoying habit of reading the news, not just normal headlines, but also diving into regional news of various countries and also global climate news, it often depresses me and makes me anxious, hence why I've been looking into stoicism, I'm buying meditations and Massimo Pigliucci's handbook for new stoics, but I was wondering what advice you'd have for someone like me, or some exercises to keep my mind within a more reasonable scope. Something that drew me to stoicism is when I heard it advises followers to worry only about things within ones control, which is something I sorely need to learn, I'm aware that outside of voting, there is little I can do for issues such as the climate, and for problems in other countries, there isn't anything I can do, so I know I shouldn't worry, but I feel almost addicted to depressing news.","one stoic value is cosmopolitanism. we are members of the world, and are eager to improve the world. ""not being informed"" is not really a stoic virtue. wisdom requires information to act on. it's not the news that makes you depressed and anxious, but your reaction to it. work on that. everything from your very body, out, is an external over which you have limited, if any, control. keep that in mind. you say the middle east is an area that concerns you less because of your knowledge of the history there. i think this is a point worth exploring. your wisdom (applied knowledge) allows you to maintain your equanimity when considering the (objectively brutal) suffering going on there. it's not the news being good (quite the contrary), but your interpretation of it, that allows this.",Advice for someone overly aware of worldly issues.,,general_qa 555,"Right now I am 19 years old, and since I was 10 years old, I feel quite serious about life most of the times. I really enjoy jokes, or funny TV programs, but do not watch those often and by no means enjoy chasing girls and partying as much as my peers. I live with a bunch of other University students, of which most of them seem to combinate work and pleasure quite decently. To me though, life is about accomplishing the things you want to accomplish, doing your best no matter what and trying to make use of the talents you've gotten; what buddhists would call *dharma,* and what stoics would call *Pius (Latin).* Since my passion is entrepreneurship, I started my first business still in high school and right now I am in the process of incorporating with two talented lecturers of a University. I enjoy the process of achieving great things, working as an entrepreneur, and love self-development. But since I do not like taking time off to ''chase girls'', party or drink beers as much as other people, I often get the reaction I ""must be missing out on life"". And sometimes, I have this fear too, because I am so serious about things since such a young age; what if they're right, and that I am wasting my young years? I do not at all feel like throwing away my carreer or something, but I am in need of some advice about how to deal with this situation. It's something I find practically no one can understand, because most of my peers will always try to defend the lifestyle of trying to make their life as ''nice'' of ''fun'' as possible, since that's their own lifestyle, too. I also want to add to this that I had a girlfriend when I was 17 years old, but since our break up, haven't done very much with girls. Sometimes, this really bothers me too. Am I just not interested in that sort of stuff? I can't imagine that. And will I regret not chasing them when I am 30? This might not be the most rational ''Stoic'' story you've ever read, but it's the truth of a rational person. I hope someone will maybe be able to give their thoughts on this. Thanks! L.",Bro your Just thinking too much. Do what you want to do no matter what Anyone says.,May I ask for some advice?,,general_qa 556,"I am fairly new to stoicism, and haven't read much yet. I am trying to make time for learning a tiny bit of this ideology everyday and implement it in my life. I get distracted quite easily. Attention span is barely 5-8 minutes on the best days. I also feel really restless while trying to concentrate. And end up scrolling for a long time before realising how much time I have wasted. I am trying to control the screentime by using site blockers and keeping my phone away. But they don't seem to be the best solutions even though they are working. I would like to know what stoicism says about this. Is there any stoic advice that can help me regain my focus and be more productive?","I would take the Marcus Aurelius approach. To be better, do less. You are surrounded by things that don't contribute to virtue. Those websites and apps are created by genius people who spend years in school learning how to optimize their product to manipulate you into spending more time on it and craving it so they can monetize your attention to sell you ads. I suggest removing as much as you can and focusing on what is important (virtue/excellence of character) and then removing things that contribute to vice. As you progress you can try to introduce them back slowly, but that takes a long time",Stoic solution to productivity and focus? (if any),,general_qa 557,"It has been a month and a couple of days after me and my ex broke up. I have been reading Stoicism (meditations and Enchiridion of Epictetus) since and trying to study texts on my own. A lot of stoic ideas have been helping me move on and let go, but i am still finding it difficult to do so. There is no sadness from the break up because it was inevitable, no regrets, nothing, i forgive her for hurting me and everything. But I still miss her so much and she is on my mind all of the time. I want advice to let go from her and stop missing her, even stop loving her if possible because people in my place would hate her. I know she is with another guy and cant stop thinking about what they are doing and talking about, and thinking about how she perceive me because I feel like everything i did for her went unappreciated after the break up. Thanks.","Interesting, cause we probably went through similar cycles. It's been a year now since I've been introduced to the stoics. The Stoics would have you keep loving her, just understanding that the love you have for her is no greater than you'd have for another stranger, if you want to hate her, you'll have to find something else. If you want to learn to accept her choice as her doing what she at the time believed in best and coming to terms with the fact that you cannot be angry at her for that, then you have come to the right place. Let's tackle that last sentence ""everything I did went unappreciated."" Notice how with this sentence the entire value of all of your actions are instantly placed on how they are perceived or received. When we as people bestow a benefit, we must do so with the understanding that the act of doing good, be it virtuous or something else, is payment enough for the action. How that is perceived, handled, or ignored does not matter. You should judge yourself based on the motivations for your own actions. Did you do good to do good? Fantastic, then you have acted in accordance to your morals, pat yourself on the back and move on. Did you do something for the recognition? Then you simply don't deserve to feel good about it regardless of why you did it, take solace in virtue and acts of good intention. Take solace in knowing that you did the absolute best you could at the time. Finally a bit of two cents. You are taking yourself on a journey of growth and understanding. You are reading the books that changed the way I perceived my world. My ex cheated on me and not even a full year later, married the man she did with. I'm not perfect so I still make snide remarks.(working on it) but I do 100p believe her doing what she did was the best thing that ever happened to me. I changed my life, overcame so much, and proved to myself I can handle heartbreak. She repeated her same pattern. What to you may see as dark, like you are ""losing,"" as a bad thing, understand that you are not god, that you are limited from an imperfect perception of the world. That this pain may be the key to unlock something greater. Good luck friend:)",Month After Break up,,general_qa 558,"I've been learning about Stoicism for a little over a year now; I'm not a religious person and I haven't looked into other philosophies but I ran across a video on Stoicism a while back and it really appealed to me. I consider myself to be agnostic, as I don't believe in a traditional God but don't necessarily think the wonders of the universe are a result of coincidence. I have this belief that as individuals, it is important to have some sort of personal religion (for lack of a better word) to help us keep our beliefs and ideals in check--Stoicism has helped me fortify my own personal religion. With that being said, I often struggle finding hope in difficult times. Since reading about the philosophy, I've come to understand that Stoics believed that the universe will never present us with anything that we are not capable of handling. I am all on board with this idea when life is in a pretty calm state or when giving advice to a friend, but once things get a bit shaky for me I forget all about it and sometimes find it difficult to cope. I'm sure I should be doing more than just turning to philosophy during hard times, but I'd like to know if anyone has any advice on how I can be better at implementing Stoicism when I need to the most?",Stoicism is pretty close to buddhism I think.. all yours feeling are normal.. embrace them. one need to develop awareness.. and see yourself from a 3rd person perspective.. then one can objectively make decisions/actions.,Unsure of how to practice Stoicism when I most need to,,general_qa 559,"I've been practicing Stoicism for some months and have noticed remarkable improvements in my thinking and emotional stability. I'm better equipped to manage negative emotions and prevent myself from dangerous mood spirals. And that has led to a healthier sense of self, less anxiety, and a positive attitude. But here's the thing: Stoicism works for me when I'm alone, but I can't seem to apply it in social situations. I know we're not supposed to talk rashly, flatter people, engage in banal talk, or fear others -- but I cannot stop doing these things for some reason. For context, I've had issues with people-pleasing, social anxiety, low self-esteem, and a general lack of confidence *forever*. I'm slowly overcoming them, but it seems like there's no progress. If you had issues with implementing Stoic principles when around people and overcame them, how did you do it? All useful advice and information are welcome. Thank you!",Try to think of the difficult people and things in your life as one approaches a sparring partner. Try to approach each challenge as a way to learn about yourself and grow. If you approach each challenge with that of one that is open to learning then you'll start to see real change.,How to remain Stoic in social situations?,,general_qa 560,"Ever since I adopted a stoic attitude towards life I have been happier. But my mind is still riddled with impressions and memories of incidents which happened way earlier in my life. And I cannot shake the hurt that comes with these memories. I feel incomplete and find myself wanting due to these. Looking for some advice and guidance about how to deal with these memories. Any suggestions? Edit: Thanks for your comments! I will think over what you replied.","I'm sorry to hear the affect that these past memories are having on you. But you must remember, that that's all they are memories, things that have come and gone and now have no physical manifestation. ""If any external thing causes you distress, it is not the thing itself that troubles you, but your own judgment"". The mind is very plastic, if it has the power to make you feel as you do, it also has the power to revert this also. I would suggest talking openly about these past problems, perhaps support groups/reddits of similar situations. This may make you see others have suffered also and help you accept what has come before. In saying that, Stoicism isn't the answer to everything, if these memories are still causing you problems, it may be that you need psychiatric help with the support of Stoicism alongside.",Dealing with painful memories.,,general_qa 561,"I've beat myself up and become pretty down and ragged - mostly because I've realized I seek validation from others. Not just from anyone - primarily my wife. I've felt unappreciated, unattractive - I've felt like there was this unknown expectation I had to meet. When my wife rejects me sexually, I struggle not to feel hurt - invalidated. If the one person that I trust and love doesn't want to be with me - I really struggle not letting that get to me. So much of my ego has been built on validation from my wife. My oh my, what a terrible place that has led me to. I often feel emasculated and weak. I find myself quick to anger with low threshold for coping. I feel trapped and constantly have the urge to run - escape from the situation I'm in (and one I've been trying to change for a long time). I started reading works from Aurelius and have been down the rabbit-hole of Stoic thought for a few weeks now. I'm thankful for this sub and the active members that seem to be genuinely interested in offering neutral opinions and guidance. I have a tendency to get lost in my own thoughts and have become buried in stoic thought. Can anyone recommend specific reading that's related to seeking validation? Any and all advice is appreciated, regardless.","I really feel for you and I think this is a common problem for most human beings including myself. I think Epictetus says somewhere in the Discourses (or Enchiridion) that if I attribute a value to something external I automatically become its slave. If I desire a raise, I become my manager's slave, if I want sex, I become partner's slave, if I desire validation then I become a slave of someone else's opinion etc. So from my understanding his advice is not to desire anything that is external and only focus on what's in my control. I think he goes even further than that and advises not to desire anything at all and only be averse to undesirable in my control. I put an ""I"" instead of ""we"" or ""you"" but you get the picture. So what should I do with a need to be validated by others? I think my strategy would be: 1. I must acknowledge the fact that external opinions are opinions and not facts. They could be right, they could be wrong or irrelevant. 2. External opinions must be examined by me. If an external opinion is right by my examination, then this could give me useful information on what I can do to pursue 4 cardinal values, if not, then I disregard it. 3. I should stop myself from desiring something external whenever I encounter myself doing so, be it a praise ,a woman's body, money, luxury, acceptance, being desired etc. It is wrong to desire external, because it's going to keep me wretched and miserable. 4. I CAN form an independent opinion about myself. 5. I must not blame, accuse, censure anyone who I think has formed a wrong opinion about me. It just seems to that person that her opinion is right. I should accept that someone could be wrong without judging them.",Seeking validation from others.,,general_qa 562,"i (28M) have had unsuccessful romantic relationships throughout my life so far. i believe one of the leading causes of this is my codependency. i have landed upon a great opportunity to practice resolving these issues. i met a new girl. things seem to be going great. I've seen her a couple times and she seems very into me. she very abruptly stopped texting me and even viewing my messages a day after our last date. it has only been a day of silence, but it does seem very strange as she was texting me several times a day prior to this. my mind is racing as to why this is happening. anyways, what do you all advise i do? is the stoic approach to just wait it out? any advice on this issue, or codependency as a whole would be greatly appreciated! Edit: these are some insightful responses. Thanks to everyone who took the time to help me reframe my thoughts and guide my actions in a healthier direction. Strangely, she reached back out to me saying she no longer wants to see me, as she has things she needs to work through personally. I think a lot of the advice you all provided still applies to this situation, and i feel like I'm handling it well, which is huge for me as rejection has been very tough for me in the past. One of you reached out to me via direct message and said ""relationships can never be unnatural"". That helped me a lot as well.","As one general idea, you could map out the actions you take that you are labelling as ""codependent"". Realize that the action itself likely can be done for other reasons. Be weary not to leave a label on yourself but to acknowledge it's a mode of thinking, not an identity. >she very abruptly stopped texting me and even viewing my messages a day after our last date. it has only been a day of silence, but it does seem very strange as she was texting me several times a day prior to this. my mind is racing as to why this is happening. Look at the conclusion your mind seems to be reaching. It's seems to be something like this ""*if* she doesn't text me *then* something ""bad"" is occurring"". Is this the same with your friends and loved ones? Have you ever forget to text anyone? Has life abruptly changed that you've needed to alter your activities and texts slip by? The action in question is texting back. This can be done for other reasons and in such a way where you have concern for the other person and not just your own insecurities (if that's the case). Do some analysis to notice if your care about this situation because they're not okay or if it's because you feel deprived of something. Waiting it out could be appropriate so we don't add onto another person stress. If you do feel deprived of their attention do an inquire into why this is so uncomfortable. Our desires and judgments are what leads us to our emotions, more likely than not there is a belief about reality that is the cause of the trouble, not reality itself. Grab a pen and paper or digitally write out your thoughts fully. After you're done look for the opinions you hold and circle them or isolate them in some way. Go one by one and ask yourself if you want it to be that way or if the situation can be seen in the opposite light. Another way to phrase this, write out *only* the facts of the matter, the ""who, what, when, and where"" without the ""why"" and any emotions. Then write out why you think it's happening then come up with other ""whys"" that could have the same outcome. Both can aid you to identify these beliefs and give you the ability to question them in your own. Of course take what is useful and discard the rest.",resolving codependency issues,,general_qa 563,"I'm 19 years old and my mom has early-onset alzheimer's disease. She was diagnosed at only 50. It's not been easy at all. I wouldn't say I'm new to stoicism, I've read Meditations, Discourses, and Letters from a Stoic. I've been interested and learning about it for a few years now, since before my mom's diagnosis. The issue is that learning about it and applying it are two very different beasts, which I'm sure you all know. It's silly, but for some reason I feel like this is a true stoic ""test"" for me: facing an insurmountable tragedy I have no way of helping. How do I navigate the future? I understand that this is something I have no power over; it is completely out of my control. But how do I actually *apply* that to myself? When I first started learning about stoicism, it was relatively straightforward to internalize because I wasn't facing something like this. But now that I am... I'm realizing just how difficult this philosophy really is to apply when tragedy strikes. How do I do this? How do I navigate through this? I'm struggling so much and so any bits of advice would be more than appreciated.","You might have read stoic philosophy, but you didn't embody it.You are in distress, and you expect the philosophy which you read about to help you.But you didn't put the work in.Its like reading about how to swim, and now that you're in middle of drowning in your emotional distress, you're asking your instructor how to actually swim. You wont learn to swim while drowning. You wont get prepared for a marathon, while running a marathon. The stoic approach to your distress is to understand that nothing external in this world belongs to us, or is promised to us. Your friends, family, romantic partners are ALL temporal. Nothing external to us is permanent. Any day its completely possible that you get a call with catastrophic news about someone you love. Illness, car crashes, murders, natural disasters happen every day to someone, and it CAN and WILL happen to you or someone you know sooner or later. Your lack of preparation for such events are the main reason for your current suffering.You cannot suddenly realize this once the catastrophe comes. Preparation is done when everything is fine, before the trial arrives. Imagine how many worse things could have came knocking on your door. You're not facing War, you're not facing Death, you're not losing your children or your life partner in an instant. Understand that now is the time for you to step up and start pulling more weight than you did so far. Dont be a burden, be a person others can rely on. Im sure your mother deserves you to be the best son you can be after all the years of her taking care of you. Seneca says:""I judge you unfortunate because you have never lived through misfortune. You have passed through life without an opponent--no one can ever know what you are capable of, not even you."" ""Difficulties strengthen the mind, as labor does the body."" Good luck",A Stoic approach to dealing with a parent who has early-alzheimer's disease?,,general_qa 564,"I have.. an interesting relationship dynamic to say the least. And yes, I know you must be thinking why I'm not posting this on r/relationship_advice or what not. I will be doing that too. To me, this is a problem that i might need, or in this case, will need a lot of stoic advice to carry on and process myself. Thank you all in advance. My story is as follows. Well, the short and long of it as I have yet to fully comprehend what has happened for how long. The gist of it is that after a seriously heated debate between me and my then-girlfriend. She decided that she doesnt want to be my girlfriend anymore. But we've still kept contact since, sometimes texting almost daily. I keep going on the pretense that maybe if I show her how much I care, how hard Im trying, then maybe she'll build enough trust for me to consider getting back. That lasted for a month, or two. And while all that was going on, in the midst of me constantly trying to mend that broken relationship, she was out having fun with another person, flirting with them, all the while still demanding/expecting things from me. Sometimes she would say that she wants to get back together but she is still so hurt by the past that she cant do so. Opting instead to become uncaring towards me and actively showing me that she is willing to defend another person. Something that she has never once done for me in the past. At somepoint in that strained relationship a fight between us broke out because of how she thought i was so uncaring of her, even with her constant disregarding of my feelings. That ended in me cutting ties.. or so I though as I once again messaged her later, simply saying to want to say how much Ive loved her and how I'll be going away. This then resulted in us meeting up, while only after a day from our last, she has decided to become partners with the other person i was talking about before. We talked, and I somehow convinced myself that staying friends with her was the better choice. But witnessing her treat another person how I've always wanted to be treated just breaks my heart. I'm jealous of it, envious of how I can't have been the one. I don't know how to deal with these feelings. Or how to process myself moving forward. On one hand, I would like to stay to maybe gain a chance at rebuilding their trust and affection once more. On the other, I know that by doing so, I risk myself not ever fully recovering from this relationship and tying myself down to it. Any stoic advice is extremely helpful as I do not know what I should be doing with myself moving forward. The thought of revenge does come to mind, but I do not think such shallowness is the right way to fulfillment and me being actually happy. Nor am I able to think of anyways of revenge lol. So please, as Stoics, please give me your advice on this topic... I am in dire need of help. EDIT: I couldnt reply to every comment there is on this little post of mine. Im glad to have so many people give advice and pay mind to my problem. I thank you all for the kind words and will now continue studying the path of Stoicism so that one day I will be lucky enough to be able to apply the teachings of Stoicism to my life. And be able to give out such enlightening advices like the rest of us here. Peace and love be with you all.","You've kinda talked yourself into a hell of your own creation here No contact with the ex. She's moved on, she's keeping you around as some kinda of emotional support because she knows she has you wrapped around her finger. Eventually new guy is going to tell her to stop communicating with you and you'll be cut out anyway. May as well take some semblance of control over the situation.",I feel frustrated that I am staying friends with my ex while they already have a new lover.,,general_qa 565,"I have studying stoicism for about a year now. I have found so much benefit with so many things in life such as management of anger during arguments, better discipline in certain areas of my life, voluntary discomfort but the number one thing I struggle with is my phone addiction. I've deleted TikTok recently, I don't play any games on it, I don't like to watch random YouTube videos. I'm obsessed with learning about things. I like to learn about improving my self in all aspects of my life such as nutrition, fitness, sleep etc but I think there comes a point where it's too much. I struggle to sit still with my thoughts, whenever I'm working in my office job I have to be listening to a podcast/audiobook I cannot work in science. This doesn't feel like it's the right way to live life even if it's productive things I am researching! What are your view points on this situation and how would you handle it?","Addiction, of any kind is complicated. It isn't simply the issue of willpower like many assume. You might find two people interesting on the topic, Gabor Mate, and Jonathan Hari. I can't give you the full answer you deserve at this moment, but a helpful idea for you is the idea of Resourcing. When you pull up your phone, and doom-scroll, you are getting something besides the dopamine hit. You are self-soothing your emotional nature. This, we could say, is a less efficient way of resourcing. Improving your life in every aspect, is another addiction. It is another way you escape how you are now, except in our self-help culture, it is accepted, lauded, prided. I'm not saying that self-improvement is bad or doesn't healthily happen, I'm just saying that we are using it in a neurotic way, we've latched on to it with our desperation, it gives us something to hold on to. Generally speaking, if you are struggling to sit with yourself, and simply be, you need to find skillful ways of resourcing, of self-regulating. Sometimes just sitting in silence is not a good idea for nervous systems that are very dysregulated. Movement is very very good in these situations. Notice what *helps*. I'm going to say that again: Notice what helps! Going for intense run? Or a casually, strolling, walk without a plan? Rolling on the ground, stretching, with a foam roller? Lifting weights? Doing a yoga routine? OR intuitively stretching and feeling your body? Notice what helps. What helps bring your body back to equilibrium, ease, rest. It may not be 100%, we're just trying to go in the correct direction. Getting in touch with yourself is the primary thing here. Attuning to self, we can call it. Once you attune to self, let your natural, embodied wisdom guide you, lead you. This is a felt thing, like feeling what's pleasurable in bed. Here, you're feeling what is good, what brings you relaxation, ease, wellbeing. Sometimes you need to burn off energy, sometimes you need something gentle and soothing. The most important thing, like I said, is attunement.",Stoic advice on overcoming phone addiction?,,general_qa 566,"I (19F) have struggled with being really insecure about my face for quite a few years. It is probably a bit of ""body"" dysmorphia , but I also know I'm not super pretty. I'm trying to accept it but its an uphill battle. Especially when I hate 99% of the photos I am in. Its hard to find advice on the issue when most of the conversation is about the rest of your body, which you can change a lot easier. Stoicism has helped me tremendously through the last year and I want to take a stoic approach to this issue but nothing I have come across seems to apply to the issue I am facing (no pun intended lol). I have copies of Meditations, letters from Seneca, and some of Epictetus I think, so specific passages or any other advice is appreciated.","Hello, this is something I too struggle with from time to time, so perhaps what I have to say will help you. There are a few philosophical arguments I hand myself whenever I feel Ugly: * First of all, what is beauty? From what I understand beauty is not so much how looks, but rather: * How much effort one puts into self-care (people who care for themselves naturally look beautiful). A healthy diet is important in this regard. * One's ability to highlight what's good about their features, and minimize the 'bad' (although there is nothing 'bad' about most people's faces) - This is easily done through makeup * Confidence aka Know your worth. You must know that your greatest strength is not (and should not) be looks, but rather your mind and VIRTUE. We all will look ugly in the next fifty years. What lasts is one's ability to bond with others, and in women: one's ability to be great mothers, and for men their ability to be great fathers. Embody these values and a philosophical other will love you for them :) * Next I strongly urge you read ""The Symposium"" by Xenophon, which is about Socrates. In it when someone tells Socrates that his nose is ugly, he argues that his nose is perfect because it does what it needs to do best: facilitate breathing. Think of your features this way. * Finally: Not everybody's going to find everyone beautiful. All that really matters is that just one person find you beautiful: your significant other, which is not very difficult to achieve. Especially if they too are not a 10/10. * Case Study: Danny Devito, who without his personality would look hideous, is good-looking, confident and happily married. The bottom line is acceptance and being unafraid of rejection and to put yourself out there freely. The rest shall take care of itself! Those who will like you will like you, and those who won't won't! No biggie, right?",Insecurity and stoicism,,general_qa 567,"I am very very new to stoic but I think this is what I have been needing in my life. I notice in myself I have a huge tendency to micromanage whether it be at work, at home, etc. I find that most people at my job are either lazy, or just don't care. I see them do basic task incorrectly which puts more work for others. Or will cause issues down the road if not done correctly. So I am constantly reaching out to these people to let them know. I don't do it in a mean way. But I can tell by how often I have to say things. I come across as micromanaging. I think the worst part is they are just my coworkers so I don't really have authority to tell them what to do. And I don't tell them what to do but I point out their mistakes. And I tell myself everyday. Tomorrow you just need to shut up and focus on you. And still I catch silly mistakes done over and over. And my boss does not micromanage AT ALL. He's such a good boss too. I would love to know how he does this. Same with my wife. She will do things in ways I feel so inefficient or careless and it drives me crazy. As I'm sure I do the same with correcting the things she does. I see this a flaw in myself I'd like to work on. Any advice or articles or videos on this??","You're right to identify this as a problem. It will make your coworkers resent and dislike you, and it will not improve their work (which is almost certainly not as bad as you think it is). Instead, try this - do your own work perfectly and efficiently. Give advice *when asked*, but when you are finished with your own work offer to help others with theirs. The natural way of things is for people to ask advice from someone they admire. Be fantastic at the job while remaining humble and personable, and they will naturally ask you for assistance. Follow them around like a terrier yapping about their errors and they will despise you and discard any advice you give because you're the one who gave it. ""Whenever you are about to find fault with someone, ask yourself the following question: What fault of mine most nearly resembles the one I am about to criticize?"" - Meditations",How can I stop micromanaging?,,general_qa 568,"Right now in my life I need somebody that it is mentally strong and very strong in terms of spiritual and psychological mindset to give me advice. I'm still very young so getting advice from people my age is like getting advice from my self. I don't need therapy as I don't have mental issues. I have spiritual issues, I'm confused about life. I don't know how what's the most efficient way dealing with people. A lot of them make me angry and I'm not showing my best side. I need a mentor but we all know how difficult it is to find one. I may sound arrogant but I don't find many people in my daily life ""stoic"". I'm not a stoic when it comes to philosophy but I'm trying to get to a level that may be considered ""minimal stoicism"". Reading helps but you get lost in thoughts, you isolate your self in the end. Wish there were a place where there are people that are legit good people and strong, who have gone through life and have wisdom' year I know some will say go to your grandpa.","CBT builds on stoic principles, so maybe that.","Wish there more Stoic ""therapist"" and philosophers that offer consulting.",,general_qa 569,"I currently struggle to go by because I had to cut a woman that I love out of my life. I did explained to her while having a tea that I was going to block her not because I hate her, but because I need to distance myself from the remeberance of her. I'm looking for the time I will be fine to truly be her friend again. I'd like to use this as an opportunity to master being a stoic person, would you have some advices for me ?","Went through the same recently. Was aiming for a relationship but she backed out. How did I use stoicism to get out of this bad mood? The thing you lost was not something real. You lost a possible future. One door of millions that lies ahead of you. Dont be sad about something that wasnt there in the first place. Take a look on the good things you had. The things that gave you joy. Those were real. Will they vanish just because there is no relationship and only friendship? Most likely not. Dont expect more. How to get this mentallity into reality? Set borders. You are still a human with human emotions. There may be some triggers that trigger those hard affectionate feelings. Set borders to protect those triggers. In my case it was cuddling. Im still going to dance with her, but cuddling is now on hold until My mind isnt triggered by it. You have to look into yourself and evaluate where the triggers are. It isnt always easy but it is possible. I took two days off to go hiking. While hiking I can deep-think about me and my situation. Maybe meditation could help you too. After those two days of intensly thinking about the above I lost the bad emotions I used to have about the situation.",How do deal with a heartbreak as a stoic person ?,,general_qa 570,"Dear Stoics, I would like to ask you for advice when it comes to overthinking, especially in relationships. Every time I get a bit more romantically involved my thoughts tend to get very distracted and are usually negative, as in - I start to think of everything that could go wrong. As a result of this I start to overanalyse and the whole thing continues in a circle. I realise that my mind is too concerned with the future , instead of the present, but I just don't know how to get it back to its natural state.","This is the ""emotion first"" fallacy again - the idea that your emotions come from nowhere, and all you can do is respond to them afterwards. In actuality, your emotions are how your beliefs manifest in the conscious mind. You do not ""overthink"". At all times you think at the same level, and the nature of those thoughts are consistent with your beliefs. When it comes to relationships, you believe that relationships are the only way for you to be happy, and you believe that you will become extremely unhappy if an evolving romance does **not** turn into a relationship. The extreme ***fear*** you experience is simply your belief ""it would be terrible and prevent me being happy if this does not become a relationship"" manifesting in the conscious mind. It is not possible to believe that losing something would be terrible and not fear its loss. So that is what you must do - you need to begin believing that relationships don't make you happy, and that their loss doesn't make you unhappy.",Overthinking,,general_qa 571,"Me and my gf are both almost 40. We finally decided to try to have a child and IVF was the only way. It worked and we were beyond excited to have beaten the odds. Right before the end of the first trimester we found the baby had died. We are both struggling right now. I feel empty, disillusionment and depressed. I'm worried for my gf too and how she feels. Does anybody have any stoic advice for loss of such kind?","It's out of your control. Nor you or her have anything to do with the outcome. Losses in the first trimester are actually very common, don't lose hope and do it again. This doesn't mean there is anything wrong with either of you. Take some time, recover, and do it again. If she wasn't taking any prenatal supplements have her start them the sooner before pregnancy the better.",Any advice in dealing with loss,,general_qa 572,"I'm still learning so forgive me for this angsty post. I can't seem to ease my anxiety about finding the right people to spend my time with. I read Seneca's On The Shortness of Life a while ago and toward the end in his letter to his friend on Tranquility he spoke about spending time with people that add value (I can't remember the exact quote) and so I've come to realize I don't have that. I have friends, but none that share my most precious interests and no matter how much I search for those friends, they are not here (locally). I'm anxious about it. I didn't have the best upbringing, my mom had a few mental illnesses that prevented her from letting me socialize. I did not have friends until my 20's. She forbade me from seeing my Dad which was solidified legally in a nasty court battle so he could not help. I didn't actually learn how to be social until my 20's. I got married young (somehow) and now that I'm settling down at 32 and life seems to have caught up to me, I've been in a sheer panic that I'll never have those friends and that it's too late. Therapy does not help as a lot of therapists are not deep thinkers and do not understand the kind of advice I'm seeking. I'm not sure how to deal with this apart from continuing to try to make friends as I am extroverted and very social now with years of intentional practice. In addition, I'm still bitter toward my parents for my upbringing, though my mother has passed 5 years now. My Dad and I have reconnected, but I do not live in the same state as my family. I envy those that have a close group of friends that they can always hang out with. I do not have that and my heart hurts. Lastly, if you know of any stoic therapists taking clients virtually, I am all ears. I'm seeking advice if it wasn't clear. Thank you if you've read this far.","If you seek friends only that share your interest; you will need to get used to being alone. Everyone is different and even those that share an interest that you do doesn't mean they would be good friends. The key is to keep company only with those who uplift you and whose presence calls forth your best. Focus more on the present; anxiety often is a reaction to anticipation of things to come; give yourself a gift...the present moment.",Advice for an Anxious Person,,general_qa 573,"I want to take back my cheating partner, I percieved their actions as out of weakness and insecurity, I did not feel hurt by them cheating (using tinder) but I did feel hurt when I saw my partner cry for me in pain and I want to take them back if they show change and progress towards becoming a better person without my interference. Any advice would be appreciated as I am a beginner to the stoic practise still. Edit: I believe everyone can change hence why I turned to stoicism in the first place to improve my self. Also I do not intend to be in a monogamous relationship with this partner until they have shown enough change and if I deem it unsatisfactory I will move on. I have also started to date again. Edit 2: I have decided to not take them back and asked for distance. Thank you all.","I'm pretty sure the stoic thing to do is to move on without carrying a grudge. Learn from the lesson and let your ex know this is for their own good and for them to learn from it as well. They showed they weren't trust worthy and by taking them back after they came crying to you probably just means they're going to see you as being weak and easily manipulated. Also, did they freely admit to you about the cheating because they felt so awful they had to come clean and confess or did you catch them and now they're suddenly remorseful? Probably a key detail.",Advice on cheating partner,,general_qa 574,"I'm not very good at my job. I frequently need to ask people for help even though I should just know this stuff by now. I'm a very slow learner, and have poor memory. I forget things easily and have to be reminded frequently. I can't concentrate for more than about 15 seconds without having intrusive thoughts. I'm acceptable but not very good in school. I have to study for hours a day to get B grades. I'm basically just barely below average student. I don't really socialize with anyone because I don't posses great people skills. I spend most of my time alone. I'm not very driven or motivated, I just can't find the will. I've tried to improve myself but I run out of fuel pretty quick. I basically just can't do anything very well. I hate the way I feel, and if I can't actually improve at anything maybe I can just find a way to feel better about this. It's very depressing, I'm always stressed and I don't have anyone to talk to. Is there any stoic advice here that might help me reframe my situation to at least not make me feel so bad all the time?",">I forget things easily and have to be reminded frequently. I can't concentrate for more than about 15 seconds without having intrusive thoughts. Does this sound familiar? * Frequently overlooks details or making careless mistakes * Often has difficulty maintaining focus on one task or play activity * Often appears not to be listening when spoken to, including when there is no obvious distraction * Frequently does not finish following instructions, failing to complete tasks * Often struggles to organise tasks and activities, to meet deadlines, and to keep belongings in order * Is frequently reluctant to engage in tasks which require sustained attention * Frequently loses items, including those required for tasks * Is frequently easily distracted by irrelevant things, including thoughts in adults and teenagers * Often forgets daily activities, or is forgetful while completing them",I feel inadequate at everything. Is there anyway stoicism can help me here?,,general_qa 575,"As a 20 year old biracial (b&w) man I can't seem to win. It's cliche but it's true when I say I've always been too white for the blacks and too black for the whites. It doesn't help I have aspergers making it hard to relate to others my age, as well as being a deep, intellectual thinker in a generation that idolizes stupidity, ignorance, and monetary meaningless items/relationships. I've recently been interested in listening and learning from Malcolm X and other influential figures in history in that space and it seems society has just fallen so far short of what they had hoped for us. Everytime I meet other blacks I'm told imma lame ass nigga cuz I like to read educational books and don't like to party or 'get bitches'. If I question why we have to retaliate on each other in the ghettos instead of helping each other out I'm told Im not from the hood so I wouldn't understand like I should be ashamed I was raised in nice areas. The crazy part is my father is from Compton and I've seen the hood firsthand we visit our shrinking family (due to violence) over there every other year and it's why I advocate so strongly against black on black crime. I get told I'm weird or a goofy because I like to listen to rap but also switch it up to stuff like Foo Fighters or Zillakami. It's so demoralizing to be shunned for everything I do. The area I live in is predominantly elderly conservative white people with trump flags and confederate flagged trucks, always shooting dirty looks. The (for lack of better words) 'nice/welcoming' white people that are my age to hang out with have this strange obsession with 'acting black' which I hate saying but it's the only way to describe them. They say nigga louder, prouder, and more often than even my black family members in Compton. I can't associate with them because no matter if I get mad and argue or politely ask them to stop it's always 'it's just a word' or 'X rapper says it why can't I?' They put the 'ghetto' accents on around me but all of the ones doing that talk really proper around their parents when they come around so it's not even a genuine type of accent. It's like they want to appear uneducated to me to be cool. And now with these wars and political issues going on in the world I feel my generation is the only one that could fix things before they get out of hand yet nobody cares at all. They'd rather stay blissfully ignorant and discuss Kim Kardashians 5th rebound from Kanye or make fun of gay/trans people or what their favorite celebrity ate for breakfast or did to their hair. The gym has definitely kept me sane but it's not enough to just push the pain into the weights anymore I need mental exercise now. Apologies for the rant, I just have no one to open to about these things and I'm just ready to give up. Life is so simple yet people make it difficult for no reason. I just need a stoics advice and perspective, please don't be afraid to recommend or link resources to learn the ways of stoicism. I've heard of many great stoics but don't know where to get started when it comes to finding their work.",">I feel my generation is the only one that could fix things before they get out of hand yet nobody cares at all. No. This is a lie you tell yourself. >How does a stoic man face opposition from his own people, as well as the community he lives in? A significant person in my life has a white mother and a black father. He has forged his way through poverty and looked to all the avenues to better himself. It took him 15 years, but he now has PhD in chemistry. >Everytime I meet other blacks I'm told imma lame ass nigga cuz I like to read educational books and don't like to party or 'get bitches'. This is a lie this particular small group of people you've met believes about themselves and are throwing it your way. Why would you believe it about yourself? You've got your head stuck so far in the sand, you're hiding from your own ego. Pull your head out, face your ego, throw away your ego, start reading Epictetus, and hang out with people you want to hang out with.","How does a stoic man face opposition from his own people, as well as the community he lives in? *New to Stoicism as well",,general_qa 576,"Sometimes with my significant other, for whatever reason, maybe hyperactivity, high energy levels, I find I talk too much and jump from topics of conversation quickly and repetitively and speak about what I'm thinking of too much, no the point it actually can burn her out and annoy her (after a time, she isn't impatient whatsoever) and in afterthought I dislike this behaviour and dwell on how I wish I could keep my casual thoughts to myself without speaking them too much (I have no problem keeping deep thoughts or problems to myself luckily) Any stoic advice on this, does silence and relaxed behaviour come from inner peace or a well ordered mind ? Anyone else have this problem or dislike this about themselves ?","Maybe you can use this quote as a reminder: ​ >""Nature has given man one tongue, but two ears, that we may hear twice as much as we speak."" Epictetus, Fragments 6 Any other Stoic mantra would do the same. Just something you can recall before or while having a conversation that helps you to slow down. ​ Besides that, you can try to change perspectives and think about how your behavior looks like for your conversation partner. Make it a routine so your insights can sink in deeply. You can also do a little role-play. Just change the seats and let the other person talk without taking a breath. This can help to make it more realistic. Hope that helps a little.",Any stoic quotes/advice on not talking too much,,general_qa 577,"Hi, everyone. The reason of this post is that I want some stoic input on how to overcome my negative beliefs. Constantly, I feel that I am not good enough to achieve what I want. I have developed a feeling of unworthiness that is dragging me down in numerous areas of my life. To be more specific, there is a recurring feeling of not being a good enough man, worker, and student in my everyday life. I tend to overthink and doubt my abilities. In my job, I frequently feel that I lack the knowledge and skills to be a good attorney. Sometimes I even wake up at night because I am worried that I did something wrong at work. In my university, I constantly doubt my capacity of participating and giving commentaries in class. Every time I try to do it, I become really anxious and afraid of what others will think of me. In my personal life, I think I am too weak to be a decent man. Even though I do it from time to time, talking to girls I find attractive gives me a really hard time. And when I do not do it, I feel that I lack a spine. Moreover, recently a friend and I got physically assaulted outside a bar. We did not fight back, because we did not want our female friends to get hurt. We made it out, but that experience makes me feel emasculated and impotent. To be honest, I am exhausted of feeling this way. I am willing to change and overcome these negative thoughts. My main enemy should not be my own mind. But it is right now. Please, could you give me some advice on how to address these thoughts and feelings?","I overcame decades of learned helplessness, anxiety, social anxiety, and depression by taking a good, deep look at the beliefs I had about how the world works and my relationships within it. Some of my worries floated away like puffs of smoke, others took significant time to work out. What I learned was that all my troubles were products of problematic thought patterns. In short, my thought patterns produced certain beliefs and perceptions that contributed to my feeling of distress and even despair. The good news is, these are all learned behaviors which means they can be unlearned. I would encourage you to start by reading Epictetus' Discourses. You can find a copy online to read right now as well as look around for a translation or audio book version that works best for you. It's a series of lessons, told in dialog form, between a philosopher and his students. The students are coached to recognize their thought patterns, why they produce distress, and how to correct them. The examples are plentiful which means you get to see the same approach done in a lot of different scenarios. Eventually you learn to generalize this approach with regard to your own circumstances. It's not a chapter book where you need to keep up or lose the plot. It's great for people short on time or with attention span challenges as well, in my opinion. While you read this, I would encourage you to learn new habits to replace your old ones. This thread is a great introduction to the kinds of habits you can start looking for: [Big Discussion: What are the pros and cons of different Stoic exercises? (And how to do them.)](https://www.reddit.com/r/Stoicism/comments/wau509/big_discussion_what_are_the_pros_and_cons_of/) The book How To Think Like a Roman Emperor is a deeper look into this, as introduced against the backdrop of Marcus Aurelius' life (often referred to as the Philosopher King, and for good reason).",How to stop feeling that I am not enough?,,general_qa 578,"Hey everyone! I've been into Stoicism for a while now and enjoy practicing it because it's helping me better handle difficult life situations. I wanted to write this because I've had a conflict come up recently and wanted to hear whatever advice you have on how a Stoic would have handled this. When I was in college a couple of years ago, I came across a political activist group and became a member. There was another group on the opposite end of the political spectrum that would have rallies, protests, and other activities on campus. I disrupted one of their meetings one time because I was an antagonistic little shit and started taking pictures of the people there when they were kicking me out (bad choice on my part). There are two other things I did to them that I feel bad about. First, the leader of our group was an anti Semite who posted anti Semitic crap online and wasn't removed until the other group called us out for letting him do that. I messed up for not leaving as soon as I found out about his anti Semitism because I was too afraid at the time to call him out for it. When I left the activist group and joined a preacher group, I manipulated the other preachers into disrupting a rally the other group was having on campus. Again, bad choice on my part. I've since left the preacher group since it was a cult and cut ties with the anti Semite for refusing to apologize for the crap he posted online. I also reached out recently to the people I wronged in the activist group and apologized for the above choices I made. I typed up a message and copied and pasted it to the people in the group with the names changed, but I understand why that looks bad in hindsight. Some of the people responded saying that they would accept my apology if I sent them money over Cashapp. One of them said that they would like a gift for their graduation coming up and that I'm lucky they didn't send me their bill from their therapist since they felt traumatized when we disrupted their rally on campus. I understand why they're angry because of the shitty choices I made in college, but something about sending them money seemed off to me. It seemed like they were playing on my guilt to get money out of me and that even if I did send them money, it still wouldn't change how they felt. I can put myself in their shoes and imagine times when I felt angry and traumatized by someone who wronged me and how I would respond if they reached out to me years later and apologized for the crap they put me through. I would still feel angry about what they did, but I don't think that would make anyone better off and would rather just forgive them and move on from that. Again, I know that a copy-and-paste apology looks bad, but I still decided to save that money to give to a charity or for my therapy. I told them that and how I understood why they wouldn't want to forgive me. They said that they wouldn't forgive me and hoped that I wouldn't find peace and that my mistakes would continue to haunt me for the rest of my life. Did I make the right decision and how would a Stoic have approached this?","We make mistakes, we learn from them and we do better next time. It sounds like you made a lot, but have you taken the time to really understand why and how you made those mistakes? Has your attitude changed, it seems like you were very sure of yourself when you were doing these things, are you still confident of being right or do you possess a level of self-doubt about your actions now? Do you try to mind your own business now, and let other people make their mistakes or are you still judging them? Do you have compassion for them now? It is up to you you to judge whether you have progressed as a human being, and whether your current actions live up to the values you now hold or want to.","Was I wrong in this situation? If I was, then what would a Stoic do?",,general_qa 579,"I need advice on my problem with talking too much. Ive noticed that whenever I start with smalltalk with someone, I always overload them with information and details they never asked for. It seems as if whenever I talk to anyone including friends and family, I just vomit up all this information and always explaining myself and its like people feel trapped when talking to me. Haha. Idk. Id like to get some feedback from a stoics perspective.","I used to do this too. It was automatic, impulsive, and I would blurt out tons of unnecessary stuff before I even realized it. Trying to change my habits didn't work because, well, this was automatic, lol! I found progress in analyzing my beliefs related to social situations. I found certain beliefs I held that drove this behavior and when I corrected these beliefs, the behaviors were modified automatically.",Talking Too Much,,general_qa 580,"I have had suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks and feeling like absolute trash of a human being, because of what I'm currently facing in my life. Practicing some Stoicism (tbh I'm not sure if I'm doing it right) from what little I have read has helped. Though I'm constantly being overwhelmed by emotion despite trying to rationalize And now I seek some advice on how I should approach my current situation in a Stoic manner. My main issue stems from my unwillingness to get a job as soon as I can. I apologize if what I've written below doesn't make sense, my mind is messy and in a blur right now. Here's a **background** on my current situation in chronological order (this would be a long read): 0. Had a stressful time with final exams in university because of my procrastination habits. Had a lot of close calls, where I would have potentially had to repeat the year or get an unsatisfactory degree classification, at which point I had considered suicide as an option. 1 . Graduated from university with an analytics degree in the last year, fortunately I got a decent grade. But I didn't know what to do (with life and career), decided to take a break playing video games before joining the rat race. 2 . Wanted to learn programming (after 3 months of gaming) to get an edge in the job field that I'm vaguely interested in. Had constantly been procrastinating with it for years because it was tough. Decided to work through it since I would have to work soon 3 . After working through it for 2 months and completed a tough project, I realized I am deeply passionate about programming. It was something I have never felt before. I decided I wanted to develop a career in software engineering and wanted to deepen my knowledge in computer science. 4 . At this point it had been 5 months since graduation. My family were concerned that a huge gap in my resume since graduation would increase my difficulty in getting a job. I gave them a deadline. I broke that deadline.There were multiple reasons, ***(i)*** I felt that I wasn't ready for a job yet (I wanted to get an analyst job since it would be related to my degree. I wanted to refresh concepts related to that, and to learn more on programming so that I could apply it on the job if needed instead of being stuck since I was a beginner), ***(ii)*** I had trouble with sleep from lower backaches that I wanted to fix with physiotherapy (because I couldn't function well otherwise) and ***(iii)*** probably because I was afraid and lazy. 5 . A month later, my mother had late stage cancer. 6-8 months later, currently, shes fine but the process was rough to say the least. I'm sure it affected me and my decisions but when I use this as a reason for being jobless, it feels wrong and an excuse for my shortcomings. 6 . Throughout the period since point 5, I have had tons of arguments and pressure grow in intensity with my family as time went by to get a job. I gave in the first time and started looking for jobs, but I bombed my first interview screening when I couldn't answer a question about my university coursework. I realized I had to do more refreshing. There's no way to sugarcoat it but I lied to my family that I was looking for a job, when all I did was to continue learning on compsci and little progress on refreshing topics of statistics and machine learning which would be essential for an analyst job. 7 . There were a couple of friends and relatives that my family knew, who didn't want to work for various reasons, and they were worried I was going to be like them. At some point I doubted myself, and wondered if I was just making up an excuse of wanting to better prepare for the job/lacking confidence in being competent enough for a job. My lie got exposed twice, and the second time evolved into a major argument and a final deadline, which I intend to keep to this time. As a result of these events, my relationship with my family, especially my older sister, has been at an all time low. ***END OF BACKGROUND*** ​ My sister has a boyfriend a year or two ago and since then, my family and I have felt that she places a priority over her boyfriend (from the way she handled several problems that occurred, unrelated to my current job situation) over my parents and I. It hurts that she would place someone she knew for a year or two with greater importance than us. And at some point my sister mentioned that the boyfriend was worried if they would have to care for me in the future since I seemed to be unwilling to get a job. And for times where we had arguments and I wasn't lying that I was getting a job, my sister would throw her temper at me and would look at me like I'm scum. **My emotions (need advice on how to approach with dealing with them):** 1 . I hate my sister and my family for constantly stressing me when I'm already stressing about the consequences of having a huge resume gap on top of the stress from the problems I face in learning difficult compsci topics, from being afraid of the judgement I get from friends and relatives for having a huge gap in unemployment. I hate how they push their stresses on to me (regarding my unemployment, and my sister worrying about the finances of potentially having to care for me when her boyfriend is a big spender) And I hate myself for feeling this way and that sometimes it feels good to be hateful. I feel like a bad person for feeling this way. 2. The random and intense pangs of anxiety. I have now come to associate arguments with my sister and whenever I see her, I feel anxiety and because of our experiences so far, we aren't getting as well as before and I feel sad. I feel that same anxiety whenever my parents remind me that I'm making a wrong decision in being unemployed, because I know that they are right. But I don't feel comfortable/ready as of yet to get a job. 3. The feeling of being not adequate/competent for anything. Over time I've developed/worsen my inferior complex. I feel like there is something wrong with me for causing my family all these problems and for feeling incompetent when others get jobs right after/before graduation. 4. There are times when after arguments or being stressed by my family, I would have thoughts of committing suicide to end the pain and to spite my family. I won't do it, because I'm a coward and I can't bear to think about how my family would feel if I did it. I'm terribly afraid of being alive paralyzed and having my family care for me after the deed. There are times where it's so tempting though. **END** For now, I have set a deadline with my family for the latest I would start my job seeking and I intend to keep to it. I've been learning a lot and my confidence has fortunately been boosted as a result. Though, it gets beaten down when my family, says things such as: you should get a job soon or everyone won't like you. I don't know why, but it hurts when they say that to me or when my sister looks me like I'm scum. Practicing parts of Stoicism, from the few books I have read on it, has helped, though I still struggle greatly with it and would appreciate any advice given. I feel embarrassed for posting something this personal, but I'm feeling extremely lost.","You begin your background section by saying that the possibility of failing a year or getting a poor mark in your degree caused you to consider suicide. I concur with Ben - you absolutely need therapy. I don't know what has happened in your life to make you think something as minor as failing a year is worth ending your life, but I think you need more help than a Reddit sub can give you.","I'm constantly at my breaking point, how should I approach this with Stoicism?",,general_qa 581,"I am currently struggling to be more stoic or being stoic in general. I have been in the military for 8 years now and learned of stoicism like 3 months ago. It is my goal to be stoic as it is a way of life that is...achievable and it definitely raises the quality of life. Now here is my struggle, I am waiting for my transfer to a new unit. Been through selection for said unit, what a relief, I passed. Gave me a good feeling of my achievement. The problem is that I am now stuck in my current company that just makes me unhappy, subordinates that don't simply don't care and superiors that don't listen and pay attention. I want to scream of anger. But I manage to calm myself down with sports and meditation. At least I try. Is here someone who can give me advice on how not to loose my s***?","I have been there (in the military); not leaving a unit yet and everyday seems like a grind. 100% get it. I think stoic thought can assist you with that. I would say be tolerant with others and be strict with yourself. Lead by example even when all others are not. I believe it was Marcus A that stated I do what is mine to do, the rest does not disturb me. Hold your actions accountable not the actions of others. Soon you will be gone from there and maybe your actions will positively influence one person and set them on a better path.",Becoming a stoic in the military,,general_qa 582,"24 M. Was physically assaulted by club staff (14 v/s 3 of us) 2 years ago. That has given me a great deal of PTSD. I know the usual advice is to avoid physical fights. But if you're having a confrontation with someone and they punch you first, what to do then? What if someone teases my sister or gf? What if they are being unnecessarily physically aggressive? In such cases do I get away and call the authorities or fight?? It's somewhat of a pride thing too. Running way from such situations feels weak and hurts my pride. Thinking about all this has given me great social anxiety. And yes, I am not afraid of getting beaten up. I don't feel anxious in confrontations with known people. It's only with strangers because there's fear of death. TLDR: Was physically assaulted a few years ago. Felt powerless and weak. Got PTSD. Now often get anxious in confrontational social interactions.","Maybe it's just the area but in my entire life I've never been in a fight outside of my job (LEO). Someone teasing your GF is not a reason to start a physical altercation that could lead to death. First off you need to curb your ego, that'll probably keep you out of 90% of fights. Second there's nothing wrong with self defense, but honestly the stoic approach is don't have confrontations with people. It takes two to tango.",Stoic advice on street fights,,general_qa 583,"Hello all, Daniel here, 20M. I've been into stoicism for the past 2 years, and it's really been a game changer for me. It wasn't hard to get into, I'm naturally more of a stoic guy. I'm extremely passionate about football/soccer, and it's one of the few external events that can affect my mood. I put in over 20 hours a week of total training trying to become a professional footballer. More than anybody I know. I try to grab that extra 1% of improvement at every moment. But I'm not talented, and I struggle to start games or get accepted at better teams. It's very frustrating, seeing all this hard work and sacrifice not leading to any results, and I'm not sure what to do about it. The stoic ideas I've came up with to help me out so far are : - internalizing goals. ( Not to be the best player on the pitch, but, to be the best Daniel I can become ) - realizing that this is a part of an athletes life. Like the bees duty that Marcus Aurelius talks about. ( rejection, frustration) Other than that, I do not really know what to do. All stoic, and practical advice would be very much appreciated.","The problem is the way you represent the situation not the situation itself. As in the problem is that you're attached to football (and therefore your worth as a footballer) and want to determine the outcome of your hard-work when you have no control over that. There are temporary remedies for your outlook but it will keep being a thorn in your side unless you find value where it's actually is and not in things that are not 'up-to-you'",Dealing with Frustration as an Athlete,,general_qa 584,"So basically in a nutshell,A guy put his hands on my friend,kinda strangled him to instill [fear.](https://fear.Me)I could have punched him or chocked him or done harm to him easily but instead i grabbed i grabbed the guy from behind and pulled him away..But I regret not hitting him cause this friend has always had my back since day 1 in school when bullies picked on me,he was the one that kinda protected me\[my friend is from the streets and his father and brother are known\]so when the oppurtunity came for me to have his back,i feel i failed in doing that and i think my friend expected me,his bff to have his back and is dissapointed that i didnt maybe?. Im a non confrontational person who avoids conflict out of fear,ptsd from bullying etc but this guy putting his hands on my friend triggered a flight or fight thing where i easily pulled him away in rage,this dude was big but it was sudden i guess but i know i could have knocked him out..keep in mind these people are all drug addicts.. But behind me was another old dude with a wooden chair in his hand ready,so i wonder had i done something would he have hit me in the head from behind.Not that he would have but still you never know..We werent outnumbered though,my friend got his street friends and there were like 10 of us and 4 of them so were safe but still i wish i defended my friend,ALthough i was by his side all the way through..I just need some stoic advice as i havent slept in 2 days its keeping me up..Should i tell my friend and apologize or ask if he feels that way. Long story is some petrol shed guy started a fight with my friends brother\[Their entire family is street tough and it was in their area,pretty much their ""hood""and they have friends who are about that life,although my friend is trying to get out of it\]So basically the whole family went to fight and Unfortunately since i was there at the time i also went cause hes my friend and i felt safe since they pretty much ran the area where even police knows [them.So](https://them.So) like the shed guys got their ass beaten and im the only one who didnt hit them to defend my friend as i was afraid for sure despite being safe.. its confusing but my heart is eating me up idk i need therapy [maybe.I](https://maybe.Im) think its best to tell my mom.idk any stoid advice would be helpful please,Im sorry if this comes off as disrespectful I mean no disrespect and apologize if story is confusing.I hope this post is qualified to seek stoic advice",">idk I need therapy It could help you wrap your mind around your very challenging environment. It doesn't mean that you are a basket case or anything like that. ​ >I think its best to tell my mom That's usually not a bad idea if she is a reliable parent. You are being assaulted on the street by drug addicts. Its not something you should cope with by yourself as a young person if you don't have to. ​ >Should i tell my friend and apologize or ask if he feels that way? I would say: ""Bro, I haven't stopped thinking about this for 2 days. How do you feel about it?"" If your friend expresses disappointment in your behavior; just say ""you've given me a lot to think about. Let me reflect on that for a sec... talk later"". Nobody should be your puppet master. First figure out if you've truly done something wrong. ​ >I hope this post is qualified to seek stoic advice. This subreddit is mainly to discuss Stoic Philosophy, a Hellenic school of philosophy that's over 2000 years old. But ""seeking Stoic advice"" usually means how to apply the philosophy to your problem. I worry that you don't even know the basics, if you do you didn't make it appear so in your post. So I'll do my best. # On Loyalty for friends >But I regret not hitting him cause this friend has always had my back since day 1 in school Loyalty can be a form of virtue, but one that must be balanced against other virtues, such as wisdom and justice. Loyalty should not override one's ability to act with integrity and reason. A Stoic would also emphasize that loyalty to others should stem from a sense of compassion and kindness, rather than a sense of obligation or fear. They might advise cultivating inner strength and wisdom so that one is able to act with loyalty and integrity in difficult situations, rather than blindly following emotions or outside pressures. # On feeling guilty for not using more violence >But I regret not hitting him Don't though. Violence is never the way. Maybe an exception can be made for self-defence. But don't be so hard on yourself for not wanting to be violent. It is the better path not to be. It forms a more stable society and allows people to interact with one another with trust, if you have a society with less violence. # On feeling guilty According to Stoic philosophy, guilt is a negative emotion that arises from the belief that one has acted in a manner that is inconsistent with their personal values or with the universal moral principles that guide virtuous behavior. The Stoics believed that our negative emotions, including guilt, are often **caused by the way we interpret and judge events, rather than by the events themselves**. Therefore, Stoics would advise individuals to focus on their own behavior and thoughts, and to examine their actions and motivations in order to determine whether their behavior was consistent with their values. If they determine that their behavior was inconsistent with their values, they would then **focus on correcting their behavior in the future, rather than dwelling on guilt.** I'll also say that I think if you feel guilty for not using more violence, then you should not feel guilty at all. Perhaps you feel guilty that you were so afraid. Perhaps that is not in line with the person you wish to be? Perhaps this has more to do with courage than with violence? What could courage have looked like in that moment? # What is the goal in life? The goal in life according to Stoic philosophy is to live in accordance with nature and to attain eudaimonia, or happiness and fulfillment. To achieve this goal, Stoics believe that individuals must cultivate wisdom and virtue, and that they must strive to align their thoughts, judgements, and actions with the natural order of the universe. In your case, this means that when you go out with a friend, sometimes it happens that a drug addict will lay hands on you. Next time, also remember how you wish to act in that situation; calm, rationally, smart, courageous, kind.","feeling regret for not physically backing up my friend ..Need some honest advice.[STREET FIGHT,INTENSE READ]",,general_qa 585,"Hi, everyone. I write this post because I have been having a really hard time dealing with personal insecurities. A couple of years ago, I ended a complicated relationship. The breakup was quite hard. In our last conversation, she told me how sexually unsatisfied I made her during the last year of our relationship. Most of the conversation centered on me being boring, predictable, and even too quick in the bedroom. To be honest, I knew we were having problems in the sexual part of our relationship, but I ignored she thought all those things of me. It truly hurt me. At the time, I did not know how to confront my emotions and thoughts. Eventually, I avoided other people and developed acne breakouts. Now, most of my acne is gone. My personal higiene is better, and I exercise regularly. Moreover, I reconnected with old friends and made some new ones. However, I have not been able to have another romantic or sexual relationship with someone since the breakup. For a while, I was alright with it. Being alone helped me to focus on my career and university. But I am willing to have a new emotional connection now. The problem is that I feel insecure around girls when it comes to sex. Even when a girl gives a somewhat intense glance I get nervous. Anxiety overwhelms me, and a feeling of unworthiness appears. Honestly, I feel like I do not have what it takes to have a healthy relationship with someone else. I am exhausted of feeling this way. I understand that these emotions and ideas are only in my mind. But even so, I have not been able to deal with them yet. Simply, I want to build a real emotional connection with someone else and share my sexuality with that person. I am willing to do whatever it takes. Please, I need help to stop feeling so sexually insecure. I do not want these feelings of unworthiness and sadness to determine my life. It is exhausting. In summary, I could really use some of your knowledge and experience from a stoic perspective to handle this. I will truly appreciate an apply any advice that you give me. Thank you in advance","I understand that was hurtful what she said. It would probably hurt me too. Hopefully, I can get through to you when I say that she probably said all those things to hurt you in a moment of anger. Secondly, from a stoic perspective ""worthiness"" doesn't come from sexual performance, it comes from your ability to live up to your standards, not someone else's. Sexual performance doesn't give or take away your value, and it will never pay off to attach someone else's validation to your personal value. Hopefully that helps Edit: Clearfied something",Struggling with sexual insecurities,,general_qa 586,"I just graduated college last year and I got a job in the semiconductor industry but I got laid off a couple months into the job. it was an awesome job and I learned a lot and I'm grateful for the experience, but I do understand that is something I can't control so I've chosen to move on and I got a new job. it doesn't pay as much. actually it pays like $7 less (which money isnt an issue really as long as I can pay my bills) but the hours are long and I just stand there in a lab for 10 hours a day. I've been trying to work on just making the best out of the situation, which I've been pretty good at generally in my life, but what's tough about this job and being a stoic is trying to accept the job that I have get what I need out of it and find a new one in the future. it's really hard staying in it now and I really don't want to stay in it much longer either and I've only been here for a month. any advice on how I should mentally approach this job everyday?","Here is the Gregory Hayes translation if you wanted it or for those who were interested. Thank you for this direction I will meditate on it this week. At dawn, when you have trouble getting out of bed, tell yourself: ""I have to go to work--as a human being. What do I have to complain of, if I'm going to do what I was born for--the things I was brought into the world to do? Or is this what I was created for? To huddle under the blankets and stay warm? --But it's nicer here.... So you were born to feel ""nice""? Instead of doing things and experiencing them? Don't you see the plants, the birds, the ants and spiders and bees going about their individual tasks, putting the world in order, as best they can? And you're not willing to do your job as a human being? Why aren't you running to do what your nature demands? --But we have to sleep sometime.... Agreed. But nature set a limit on that--as it did on eating and drinking. And you're over the limit. You've had more than enough of that. But not of working. There you're still below your quota. You don't love yourself enough. Or you'd love your nature too, and what it demands of you. People who love what they do wear themselves down doing it, they even forget to wash or eat. Do you have less respect for your own nature than the engraver does for engraving, the dancer for the dance, the miser for money or the social climber for status? When they're really possessed by what they do, they'd rather stop eating and sleeping than give up practicing their arts.",Laid off,,general_qa 587,"Hi guys, I'm 24 living in the UK and have been in a job for 6 years which isn't that well paid but the company is really good and the people I work with are nice. I would say I've been in a comfort zone for ages now so from last year I have been looking for a new job, starting the gym going 6 times a week, feeling a lot better in myself and have been upskilling myself by doing courses outside of work ect. However recently I've had a knee operation and I feel like I'm back to square one. The main reason for this post is there's so many different paths I could go down, how do I know I'm taking the right one to find my destiny/full potential? 1. Part of me thinks I could go to Uni (I didn't go to begin with because I didn't know what I wanted to do and I still don't so I feel like it could be a waste of money) 2. Keep trying to find a new job- one that could solidify me into my 30s, so that I can afford to move out and eventually have a family. 3. Go travelling (people say you learn a lot and I agree but I don't know how this will help me find a job in the long term) All I want in life is to find peace, retire my parents, become the best version of myself but I genuinely don't know what I want to do and feel a bit lost. It's such a shame because I'm so flexible right now I would go anywhere in the world and start a job if it meant a great opportunity. Any advice would be great, it's annoying because I know I'll smash it once I get a good mentor or find the right company to move up in the world. I try to remain as stoic as possible as I think it's a real test for yourself but recently I feel lost.","Just my opinion but if you are in a job where the company is good and the people are nice you should consider whether you really want to leave even if the pay isn't that great. IMO money isn't everything, i have had jobs where i was better off financially but i felt my life was worse. I don't think there is a ''destiny'' your life is meant to lived in the here and now, I forgot which one of his letters it was but Seneca went on about how even some men in their old age were still desiring and planning on how to become senators or knights. If you are content with the comfort zone you are in now, i don't really see what the problem is, i think it's better to be happy with what we have now not what we think we should have in the future.",How do I find my destiny?,,general_qa 588,"I just got rejected for a job. It felt pretty bad as I thought I had nailed both the interview and the practical task set after the interview. But I remind myself of Epictetus: ""The chief task in life is simply this: to identify and separate matters so that I can say clearly to myself which are externals not under my control, and which have to do with the choices I actually control. Where then do I look for good and evil? Not to uncontrollable externals, but within myself to the choices that are my own"" -- Epictetus, Discourses, 2.5.4\-5 Is there any stoic advice/quotes that would help heal how I feel right now?","> It felt pretty bad as I thought I had nailed both the interview and the practical task set after the interview Well, who's to say you didn't? You may have done a damn fine job of it, and if so you should be proud of that! Believe it or not there's a line in a Star Trek episode that I think covers this and feels Stoic enough for me: > It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness. That is life.",Job Rejection,,general_qa 589,"My wife lied a lot when we both met, she would make up stories, gave me a different age, say things to impress me or sound more mature. I found out a year in, then spent another two years finding out more and more, she never came clean and I would always find out the hard way. The problem is, all these stories and lies were in the past, before we met, there was a few things whilst we was together but they was nothing. But they stress me out to no end worrying if there is more or if I'm being an idiot. It's been 10 years, no more lies cropped up since the last one. She insists that was everything, but it all still bothers me. I'm paranoid and anxious, I worry about what else could be hidden or if there is more. Its not worth breaking up over as our lives are great together, so I need to handle these intrusive thoughts, how could stoicism help me forgive and move forward when these irrational fears appear? (Also please no relationship advice, I just want to understand how a stoic person gets over betrayal and paranoia)","""It's been 10 years....."" Get over it, or get help, because at this point if you can't resolve these issues within yourself then you're not just hurting yourself, you're hurting her too.",How do I get over the past?,,general_qa 590,"Hi I'm not sure if this is the right place to put this but anyways. I've always been quite stoic and logical thinker and now I've just crumbled. I have worked hard to get into a masters program through years of study and hard work and now that I'm here I've just crumbled. I'm going through what I presume is depressive episodes unable to get out of bed and constantly suffering from what I also believe is mental burnout. As I've said I worked so hard to be here and now with all this I don't know if I can stick at it as I'm losing my passion for the career due to how I'm feeling. I dunno what to do I feel so lost if life and feel like I'll never amount to anything in life. Im just so frustrated with myself cause I've worked so hard to be here and now my mind has let me down, just feeling sorry for myself more than anything but I'm so disappointed as I think I'll have to defer for the year due to my mental health problems. Has anyone got any advice for a 24/M","If your university enrollment has an attached health insurance plan, use it to get a psychological evaluation. You are paying for it, to not utilize that type of benefit is unwise, unjust (to yourself) and not courageous. It would be an immoderate waste of your efforts up to now to not find out what a councilor or psychiatrist has to say. I have two good friends who failed to complete their degrees due to episodes of depression. They have a difficult time escaping regret and ruminating about what could have been. At a root level, your judgments about your situation or plan are causing you cognitive dissonance. Resolution of the conflicts in your assents is the ultimate solution, but that is unhelpful if you are alone and paralyzed by indecision. Get some counseling and/or try pharmaceutical intervention. You can also try asking your university for a differed enrollment or medical leave so that you can return to your studies at a later time. The first step is asking about the availability of counseling at your institution. Use the benefits available to you.",Feel like a failure,,general_qa 591,"Once again, I find myself under performance management at work, supposedly in the less threatening 'initial support stage'. They feel that I am not performing well, fast enough or productive enough. Obviously I'm struggling with my emotions about this, and would love some advice as to how to calm the approach it is a stoic.","At least with me, the knee jerk is to be offended. However, that will only make it worse. Think of it this way, they are trying to tell you exactly what they value and need. Often times there is a specific task you are mismanaging that is irking one of them, and if you do that one task, they will move on. Your ADHD is preventing your brain from assigning the same value to that task, so you need to set a fuck ton of outside reminders. It's a problem with how your brain rewards you, but you can manage that with enough tricks. When it comes to getting over the sting, remember that your job is only one tiny part of your identity. Focus on those other parts of yourself to see what matters.",ADHD and Stoicism,,general_qa 592,"One of my absolute best friends was just diagnosed with a rare degenerative autoimmune disorder. We are only in our 20s, but it is likely that over the next decade her health and ability to function will deteriorate before she dies an excruciating death. The news itself hit me, and I do not know how I will be able to cope watching her decay and suffer. Any advice on what to do now, as well as the next decade moving forward? How would a Stoic approach this?","Memento mori. As a stoic, we must remind ourselves that death and sickness is not an evil, but simply a force of nature. A dissolution or change. We all die, whether it is in sickness or health, whether it is five minutes or fifty years, and we should not grieve or fear the only aspect of our lives and nature that we simply cannot overcome. Marcus Aurelius writes wonderfully about this concept in Meditations, and I cannot recommend the book enough. That being said, you have my deepest sympathy and condolences, and your friend has my prayers. I've lost people close to me as well, it was stoicism that saved me from despair.",Coping with watching deteriorating health,,general_qa 593,"Hi all first post here relatively new to stoicism but have found great comfort in stoic quotes and principles and currently reading meditations i've found stoicism to be a great way to improve myself and am trying to apply the principles to my life i've recently broken up with my girlfriend (2.5 years) and although i know it was the right choice and ultimately is best in the long run i am really struggling to apply what i've learnt so far to this issue any advice for breakups would be great and glad to join this sub","It's OK to feel things, even sadness, regret etc... Stoicism isn't about not feeling, or absolute control of your emotions. It's more about being logical with those feelings and not letting them totally control you. It's OK to grieve your loss, and you should. Remember the good stuff, and feel fortunate that you got to connect with someone so deeply. Marcus Aurelius says: > Dwell on the beauty of life. Watch the stars, and see yourself running with them. And remember there's more to life than just one other person, and you will find someone else: > When you arise in the morning think of what a privilege it is to be alive, to think, to enjoy, to love.",seeking advice RE: breakups,,general_qa 594,"I try to be a stoic, I know what is the outside and the inside. I know i can't control what my family say or think of me, I try to be a better me. But sometimes I am hurt because of things my parents say about me, I feel insulted, like they don't know anything about me or even try to. They have a vision about how a good son should be, what I should do to be successful. I know i shouldn't be upset about that but it's hurt and making me angry. I can't seem to control myself when I am dealing with them, I want to be a good son, I want them to be happy but I can't forget what they said that hurts me. Sorry for ranting and my bad English, I need some advice.","That's unfortunate. You are on your way! Keep studying, learning, and training to change your conditioning. I'm doing the same. > They have a vision about how a good son should be Parents shouldn't have a vision? Turn it around. Should you have a vision of how your parents should be? > Are you naturally entitled to a good father? No, only to a father. -- Epictetus, Enchiridion > I know I shouldn't be upset How do you know that you SHOULD be upset? You are upset. The system is working perfectly. Your judgments are a product of your conditioning, and they are the source of your upset (it sounds like you get this). You'll need to see that your judgments are false for them to disappear. You can talk with your parents to affect the future. Are you doing your best? You and your parents are doing your best according to how the world looks to each of you. ",I keep failing when dealing with a family member,,general_qa 595,"Hi all, ​ Aspiring Stoic here and am looking for some advice. I have been reading some of Seneca (on anger) and some Marcus Aurelius. Some parts of Stoicism is resonating with me, specifically the dichotomy of control and classifying things as indifferent. One reason I came to Stoicism is due to my over analyzation of situations and being upset about the events that transpired particularly getting either sad/disappointed/mad over events that go negatively for any reason, some examples include: ​ \- Getting upset if I lose in a competitive game \- Arguing over minuscule things with close friends \- Caring too much about opinions I shouldn't Note that this isn't a super frequent situation but something I personally want to improve on. My close friends tell me I'm fine and the above is normal (they're good people) but its not the kind of person I want to be which lead me to Stoicism. I am looking for advice on how I can exercise the dichotomy of control, be indifferent to events/outcomes while also caring about the events. I feel like when I try to follow some of the ideologies I am reading about, I start to lean towards ""I don't care about this so therefore it wont affect me"" and I have read enough to know that this is NOT the goal. I very much do not want to fall into that anyways. ​ Please go easy on me if I mispoke on anything or missed some key context, I am new to this and looking for advice or a guide in the right direction. Thanks in advance.","I'm by no means an expert but maybe the answer is already in your post. You said when you start to read some of the ideologies(?) and begin to follow them, you start to not care. It seems like you're not properly applying what you've learned. For example, getting angry in a game. You stop and give yourself a moment. You feel the anger for what it is; a reaction. You choose not to be angered by the game. You say you follow the ""ideologies"" (curious what you mean) and then stop caring. There seems to be a fundamental disconnect between your understanding of the material and what's going on. If you're not caring then you're no longer feeling anger, and thus how are you applying said ""ideologies?""",Struggling with some parts of Stoicism,,general_qa 596,"Hi, I'm a practising Stoic. I have read the big three and Donald Robertson two books, and trying to practise Stoicism. I want to know if I gain anything from The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari, I want to get a Stoic perspective of the book before buying. There are many people who are applauding it but is it a good philosophy? I know we Stoics are open minded about getting a good advice from anyone in addition to the Stoics.","I haven't read it, but why not give it a shot? Trusting the judgment of strangers on the internet about whether or not you will get anything meaningful from this or any other book seems a bit foolish to me. If you have heard someone say they got something profound from it, then I'd say you should read it and take what you can from it; the worst case is that you can donate it to someone who would find it helpful.",Is The Monk Who Sold his Ferrari worth reading?,,general_qa 597,"Greetings, fellow seekers of wisdom in the Stoicism forum, I come to you today seeking your insights and guidance as I grapple with a deeply personal and emotionally challenging experience. My husband and I have recently faced our third miscarriage, attributed to a genetic factor that he carries. It has been an arduous journey, and though we can have a healthy baby, it is a fresh roll of the genetic dice with each pregnancy, and so far we have been unlucky. I acknowledge the stoic principle that ""they were never yours anyway,"" suggesting that attachment to outcomes can lead to unnecessary suffering. However, I find myself struggling to fully embrace this perspective in the face of recurrent loss and the inherent sorrow it brings. The pain I feel is raw and profound, and I yearn for a stoic approach that can help me navigate this tumultuous path with greater resilience. While I deeply appreciate the philosophical teachings of Stoicism and the strength it can provide during adversity, I am humbly reaching out to you all for practical advice on how to integrate these principles into my unique circumstance. How can I reconcile my grief with the stoic perspective and find solace in these teachings? I am eager to hear your personal experiences, reflections, and any relevant stoic wisdom that can shed light on this difficult journey. I understand that life is unpredictable and that embracing virtue and maintaining inner tranquility in the face of external events is paramount. However, I seek practical guidance on how to truly embody these principles as I navigate the sorrow of recurrent miscarriage, which I am finding tremendously difficult. [P.S. No fertility recommendations, please, though I'm sure very well-intentioned - we have an excellent geneticist and this is a unique medical situation. We also have no interest in adoption - if we cannot have a biological child, we have decided to live our lives without living children].","My heart goes out to you as you navigate this difficult journey. I cannot imagine the grief that you must feel, but as humans it is natural to try to reproduce, and so it is understandable that you continue to be optimistic and to try again. Def. allow yourself to grieve your losses. There will be those in Stoicism who will say the potential child was never yours, but still you will likely have known the little one was within your body so he/she was physically yours for a while. So too, the plans and expectations that you conferred upon him or her were real, and the losses are real griefs. In time you may have a child, or maybe not. Probably no-one can tell that. You may yourselves wish to set a limit on how many times you try, how many cycles of early pregnancy then grief you are prepared to go through. And that choice may be influenced by how many weeks you go before you miscarry. Keep up your Stoic practices, keep strong, keep many different interests and other people in your life so that this issue does not identify you. You want to be loving to yourself, and a loving partner, and a person of strength and good character. These can define you and make your life worthwhile and a good life. Parenthood if it comes will be a preferred indifferent, not a statement about your value.",Seeking Stoic Guidance: Navigating Recurrent Miscarriage with a Heavy Heart,,general_qa 598,"So I had my first midterm yesterday. I'd studied enough to get a good grade, but I ended up bombing it. The night prior, I wasn't able to sleep simply because I was way too stressed. I was in bed, unable to sleep for two whole hours. And during the exam, I simply blanked out on questions I easily could've gotten on a typical day. I just felt claustrophobic and could never put my complete focus into any question. I've had the same experience in high school as well. I'd most of the time end up doing way worse than my full potential, all because of stress-related paralysis. I'm seeking Stoic advice from you. I want to do well in college, and knowing that I need to do well makes me feel like every quiz/test/exam is a life or death situation, severely affecting my performance. Also, being in one of the most competitive schools in my country has an effect too. I constantly feel like I need to be at the top of the food chain and be better than everyone else, which obviously is an unhealthy perspective. Please share your wisdom with me. How should I approach these problems? Thank you in advance.","It seems like school brings in a lot of negative stuff. You have to remember that a lot of these things are outside of your control. You can't help the fact that you have to take this exam, that is just how it has to be. From here you can recognise that these feelings of stress and anxiety are only holding you back and making the situation worse. You can remember that you are in control of your emotions and feelings so stopping these negative emotions would be in your best interest, as they provide zero benefit to you as a human, and only promote adverse affects like the ones you mentioned. Remember the Dichotomy of Control. There are two things in this world; those that are within our control, and those that aren't. We should not concern ourselves with those that aren't within our control and instead focus on what is. Good luck fellow student.",How would a true Stoic deal with exam stress?,,general_qa 599,"Note: I'm not actually in a relationship. Just looking for advice if I ever find myself in this situation I know a big thing in Stoicism is accepting that there are things outside of your control and thus you should not worry about them. But you should try and control what you can. I can understand that for every day things like work. But with something bigger and more significant, love, how does one deal with that? What would a Stoic do when, say, they find out their partner has been cheating on them? Or their partner simply does not love them anymore and wants a divorce, despite the two of you having so many happy memories together?","Things happen. Breakups seem bad, unless they needed to happen. Life good and bad makes us who we are",What would/should be the Stoic response to a breakup or divorce?,,general_qa 600,"Hi guys and galls, Long time creeper, first time poster. I need some advice about my current situation: A few months ago I found the love of my life. As somebody who practices Stoicism I keep the reaction and thoughts concerning my emotions in check. But when I first met her I was head over heels in love. Now 10 months later I still am. (She is a lover of philosophy and just an all-around good person). However after 4 months of our relationship she had a burn-out that resulted in a depression. It was aggravated because she had a very physically and emotionally abusive past. Her last boyfriend was not just toxic but pure evil (he knowingly took actions to hurt her). And her mother.... well let's just say she makes Emperor Nero look like a good guy. Anyway, about a month ago she told me that in her current state she is unable to appreciate, even accept, how I act towards her. Not because it is bad but because she is not used to receive appreciation and love just for who she is. So she wanted to pause the relationship. Of course it's a bit more complicated as this but the post is long enough as it is. I have had this scenario in my mind during daily Negative Visualisation exercises so I handled it well at first. I know she does this out of love and I saw is as an good Stoic training moment. However, lately I have the feeling she is slowly moving on from me. Which I am happy about, she deserves the best life she can get, and I will manage. For the first time in her life she is caring for herself. And I can only agree with that. But since a few weeks ago I lost rational control of my emotions. Something that, since I started my Stoic journey, has not happend before. I feel abandoned, rejected and alone, even though I know her actions are beyond my control. But I feel like my ""Inner Citadel"" is crumbling before my very eyes and all my previous Stoic training is failing me. I try to see this as a growth opportunity but the negative emotions feel stronger than me. It feels like I'm heading to a depression, something I never thought was possible for me. My ego, as it turn out, is not as invulnerable as I thought. I am stuck in what to do, what the ethical choise is and how to ""rationalize"" my feelings.The Idea of ""the obstacle is the way"" helped in the beginning, but not anymore. So I call upon you, my fellow Stoic students for advice, sources, exercises or ideas that can help me. Has anybody had previous experience with a sudden lack in strength-of-character? Any help is much appreciated. Sorry for the long post. You guys are awesome.","> about a month ago she told me that in her current state she is unable to appreciate, even accept, how I act towards her [...] lately I have the feeling she is slowly moving on from me Taking everything at face value here - it's certainly a real thing that when someone has gone through trauma or emotional abuse, someone treating them well just does not compute. She may well have some healing to do. In that sense I wouldn't even see it as ""moving on"" so much as refocusing her energies internally. And that's a good thing! I think a question to ask yourself is - are you attached to a version of her that she *could be*, or are you meeting her genuinely where she is *now*? The version of her *now* sounds like it is not in a place to accept and reciprocate a healthy relationship. That's just where she's at on her journey in life and isn't a reflection on your character or worth. That being the case, what do you want and deserve for yourself? Don't you deserve someone emotionally available and healed who can accept and reciprocate what you show them? If that isn't who she is right now, then that's not a bad thing to let go of. I think that's the key impression to evaluate here - who would you *actually* be letting go of? The version she could be, or the version she is in the moment? If you can shift that perspective you may find peace and relief. I can say from personally experience that there have been people I've loved and had to let go of, thought I'd never hear from them again, and they re-appear many years later as if a day hasn't gone by, in some new or different capacity. There's peace as well in having faith that your course in life will work out as it should. Letting go and having space between you may also give you an opportunity for your own perspective and growth. Attachment theory is really interesting to get into; sometimes we are subconsciously drawn to emotionally unavailable people if we have some internal feeling about ourselves or if it matches some pattern in our upbringing. Opportunity for introspection and growth here.","Losing control of my feelings, need advice",,general_qa 601,"I'm planning to order a hard cover for ""Mediations"" from Marcus Aurelius. I'm not a novice Stoic, yet neither an established & sucessful practitioner. I'm seeking some a good Stoic book on how to live life & invevitebly accept some hard to swallow pills -- whilst using them to my advantage & success. Thank you for taking the time to read this & possibly share your advice.","​ [https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/45109. ](https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/45109) . This is a free downloadable copy of The Enchiridion by Epictetus. It is literally a handbook of small paragraphs focusing on stoicism. This link is about Admiral Stockdale, the highest ranking officer held in the Hanoi hilton during the Vietnam War. he was a student of Epictetus and credits the lessons of sticism for helping him survive the hell of that prison.[https://reasonandmeaning.com/2015/03/08/admiral-james-stockdale-and-epictetus/](https://reasonandmeaning.com/2015/03/08/admiral-james-stockdale-and-epictetus/) Another boo you may want to read is one of the finest books ever written. ""A Mans Search for Meaning"" by Victor Frankl. He was a Jewish Psychologist that survived the death camps of nazi Germany in WWII. If you were stranded on a desert island and could only take one book with you, this would be at the top of my list.",Good book for a clear mind & acceptance of reality?,,general_qa 602,"So, this will be a long post and I hope I'll get some stoic advice, especially regarding the discipline of perception. # Part 1: Background I am a 21 y.o. guy from , say, country X. Country X is at war right now. In country X we do have mandatory military service called conscription plus a wartime draft for men. I am a hardcore libertarian and an aspiring stoic (have been studying stoicism for 2-3 years now) and one of the things that are obvious to me is that my body is my property and not government's (an this point is non-debatable no matter what). So, I fought like hell since I was 16 to never be conscripted into military. I was studying hard and working hard and took risks and went from being a broke 18 y.o. to an upper-middle class 21 y.o. with a good career and I moved to study abroad and I have a plan how I will stay in this country (with best and worst case scenarios fully thought through). Remark: I could've solved it by means of bribing much easier, but it's my principled decision to never reward slavery and corruption. Moving abroad was the best way I could actually execute to change the situation in my country by voting with my feet and taxes. So, at this point it's relatively safe to say that until 2027 I will neither be conscripted not drafted with a very high probability (not 100% though, but still high). But legally, there's a chance that I will either be conscripted or imprisoned in or after 2027, because my country may not extend my passport abroad or stuff like that (I have several plans how can I mitigate some of the stuff both using law of my home country and international law, but it's still a possibility). But right now there's no way I can revoke my citizenship before that. Also, at this point I am severely burned out to the point of barely functioning and sometimes having nervous breakdowns because I'm overworked. I won in many ways: career with good income, studies, moving abroad, having to help my refugee mother and coordinate my family and having a healthy and loving relationship with my gf. ## Part 2: My perceptions about it and things wrong with them My situation in neither good nor bad, according to stoicism. Only my judgement and perception make it such. But there are several points when my stoicism breaks apart. The first one is that sometimes my brain goes into anxious hyperfocus on the problem described in Part 1 (of the fact that my government considers me a slave) and in part because my psyche is barely holding together. I know that I need something to do about it, so I was in therapy for Oct 2020 -- June 2021 (after that I wasn't able to afford therapy). Right now I scheduled an appointment with a doctor and I'm trying to get medicated and then in autumn return to therapy (only in autumn for financial reasons). I do understand, even when I'm worried that this worry doesn't do me any good and only takes away my energy, but I just can't stop even though I remind myself that: ​ 1. It's only in my imagination util it actually happens 2. Focusing on what I can't control doesn't do me any good 3. Focusing on what I can control (working on myself, my life etc) does 4. Even if I have only 5 years left, I have to spend them well. The second moment is when my feminist gf starts telling me anything about patriarchy of female problems, I get angry. It's not that women don't face any discrimination or other problems, but that you know, no female problem (in a western country) imo beats being enslaved just because you're a man. Over time, I learned to just listen unless she mentions that men have it better, because fuck this shit. But I still feel some bitterness, because male problems are never talked about and while government tries to protect women from any sexism, it forcibly sends men to die under bullets. And that bitterness again doesn't do me any good. I tried to combat this using Amor Fati principle. I view my situation as my privilege. I have a perfect ""death ground"" motivation: unless I do good and study hard and find a well-paying job, I get deported and either imprisoned or enslaved in the worst case. So I do good and keep soldering on no matter what. If I didn't have that motivation, in some situation I would certainly give up, because I was so burned out I could barely function. ## Conclusion So, I try to act like a stoic and never give up. I try to apply some stoic mindsets and I have a good understanding of them, but sometimes bitterness about my situation creeps into my soul (even though I'm very proud of myself and the life I've built). Some parts may be fixed by consulting a doctor and I'm working on it. But my perception fix is the most important and I need some advice on it. P.S. I also finally made some time to fully rest for 1-2 months, so my burnout should be better.","Thanks, will start practicing meditation (at least for 5-10 minutes) daily",Need stoic advice on a really (really) tough situation. Trying my best to not become bitter and resentful,,general_qa 603,"Hi everyone, I'm a undergrad(20M) and I have feeling lonely and disconnected on campus. Since I'm into stoic philosophy, how can I approach my problem? I really do not like my situation and I was hoping to get some genuine advice. I thought someone could help me out. I am also hoping to make some genuine friends so my dm is open to all. I like gaming, music and physics.",">Since I'm into stoic philosophy, how can I approach my problem? The best places to find others who share your interests is to join any club on campus that caters to physics, gaming and music. You could even apply to be a note-taker for a fellow student. We dont have any difficulty finding attendants for our wheelchair-bound young adults because it seems pairing students who can take notes for other students is a popular activity. We also pair active senior citizens to these students as free mentors. So many are active in the physics club, the gaming community and go to student concerts on campus. I know the fear of peer to peer communication can be a roadblock to feeling included. The Stoic philosophy is based on virtue ethics and how you can foster your best self while building your character. You're on a campus to learn and grow, so even one small step of just exploring what is offered can be eye-opening and give you confidence. Plus, you don't have to commit. You can try on different clubs to see if they fit you. EDIT: you may also have a local philosophy club...you can even start your own. https://www.apaonline.org/page/undergradclubs/Guide-for-Undergraduate-Philosophy-Clubs-and-Groups.htm",Seeking stoic advice on lonliness and disconnection,,general_qa 604,"I'm having trouble after seeing a new petty, unreasonably vengeful side to my closest friend. However, it would be an oversimplification to just call her ""toxic"". She has been with me at my worst, supportive at my best, and always knows how to alleviate my worries... which makes everything so much harder and hurtful. I look to the Stoicism for advice but i dont know how to practice it: Marcus Aurelius said in Meditations, Book I, ""not to shrug off a friend's resentment--even unjustified resentment--but try to put things right"". But in 'Letters from a Stoic', Seneca warns of ""persons who spread vices. And association with them does a lot of damage"". And finally, it seems no matter what decision i make, if i stay friends or cut them off, i will be suffering and hurting in some way, which seems very un-stoic","Curious - how is she toxic? As a general response... Take both pieces of advice. Do your best to communicate that certain things are toxic. Reject that behavior any time you are around it in a reasonable, calm way. Try to course correct in order to save the friendship. However, if your friend rejects your attempts, continues her toxic behavior, and this behavior poses a risk to you, your well being, your state of mind, etc... It may eventually come time to distance yourself. The thing is, destructive people are capable of loyalty. But they expect it in return. Whatever you do, do not reinforce or internalize whatever it is about her that is destructive.",What am I supposed to do about close but toxic friends?,,general_qa 605,"I've been a Stoic for a couple years now. I've read Meditations countless times and I'm working my way through Seneca and Epictetus at my own pace. Stoicism has greatly enhanced my quality of life and I'm very thankful I've found it, as I'm not sure where I would be without it. I love almost everything about it and I think everyone should be a Stoic. Having said that, for some reason I just don't have that strong connection to virtue as I did even a few months ago. Don't get me wrong, I still recognize that virtue is the highest good. And because I'm an atheist, I think it may be the single purpose of mankind, if there even is one. But I've been reading books such as The 48 Laws of Power and the Art of War and I feel like these books have contributed to this feeling of losing such a strong connection to virtue. Maybe it's opened my eyes to the brutal games being played, or that the ever-virtuous would be crushed in building a political movement or military, but I just don't have the same romanticized idea of virtue as I did. Sometimes virtues have to be sacrificed for higher virtues, and being virtuous can bleed over into being walked over. Would it really be virtuous to be constantly defenseless and allow outside forces to subjugate their will onto you? Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't even consider stealing or assaulting someone or even insulting anyone without any serious reflection of admittance of wrongdoing, but being virtuous used to feel compulsive. It hasn't felt that way recently. Maybe this is a moment of weakness for me. Any advice on how to get back to that feeling would be appreciated; sorry for rambling. Thanks! P.S. I would still recommend the 48 Laws of Power and Art of War as I think it can also prepare you for the more dangerous and strategic aspects of the world. As much as I hate to say this, I'm not sure I would want a stoic to have complete control over military or strategy.","Have you read ""How to think like a roman emperor?"" It's an introduction to stoicism, but it talks about how Marcus prevailed against someone rising against him. He didn't back down by any means, as one of the virtues is courage. I feel like some people, including myself at times, thinks being stoic just means being trampled over, but why do you feel trampled over? Is your ego bruised? Do you feel like you have something to prove? In a literal sense, of course you should defend yourself from physical harm, but don't confuse indifference between mental and physical. As I read your post, I remembered a quote that I forget from where that said ""even the sun shines on the wicked"". I don't know if you needed to hear that, but don't get muddied up with those people. Whether you believe in good or evil is one thing, but there's shitty people out there.",I feel I'm losing my sense of virtue. (Need Advice),,general_qa 606,"I have not lost my mom, but she is getting older. She and my family are my world. I do not really like being with friends. I am 22 and male, and I feel myself drifting away from friends. At 22, conversations with friends feel a little awkward (maybe someone could explain why?) The more time I spend with friends, the less time with my family. And I already work and go to school full time. The thought of not having her one day gives me anxiety and sadness. She is my strength. She is wise and unconditionally shows her love and support. I only feel unconditionally loved by my family. And I feel unconditional love for them and for my mom, who is my favorite person in the world. The other day I graduated and presented my degree to her. She hung it on a frame immediately. How can I best enjoy my time with my mom and show her how loved she is? How can I cope when she is gone? Has any stoic written specifically about losing their mom or someone important for them? Did they give a method? Any reading suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time. Writing this has been therapeutic.","Losing someone is part of the contract we agree when coming into this world. Don't focus on her passing away, focus on the now. Enjoy the time you have with her instead of holding to that negative energy. She feels it, trust me. When they time comes, you will find the strength to move pass this.",Stoic advice on losing your mom?,,general_qa 607,She has this guy bestfriend but nonetheless I trust her. But lately she's getting annoyed when I text her or ask her for a favour while being really kind and helping to others. Maybe she's just bored of me/ sick of my bs idk. Or maybe she has feelings for her bestfriend. Idk what I can do in this case. I know I have to confront her over this matter but I just need some stoic advice for in case things take a turn for the worse(which i am expecting it will) and to communicate with her without losing my rationality and being too emotional.,"I notice that you feel you have to ""confront her"" when she's doing nothing wrong. Confrontation in most cases means that all opportunities to discuss the issue maturely and calmly have been ignored. Jealousy is just about the most worthless emotion there is. You risk driving away the person you love because you can't handle her having normal things like friends without fearing losing her. You devalue yourself by thinking you're interchangeable with any other guy, rather than recognising the unique nature of each person's bond with each other person. Relax. Either she'll leave you or she won't, but trying to preempt it with mate guarding behaviour is guaranteed to end badly.",I worry way too much that my girlfriend is going to leave me for some other guy or is losing feelings for me,,general_qa 608,"Hi im 17 and in college atm. I often find a worry and get caught in loops of thoughts that never get me any where when i am left alone. However whenver i am around people i can talk to or am friends with i dont worry or ponder these same thoughts. Its almost as if my brain starts getting more anxious when i am not around people i know. Does anyone have any tips on how i can suppress and not dwell on these pointless thoughts when im alone because i know its all in my head, evidenced by the fact i dont worry about them when i am with friends.","Suppress"" is the wrong word here. To suppress means only to bury and not deal with a problem or issue. ""Mastery"" is a better way to approach such issues like intrusive thoughts, circular thinking, and anxiety. Mastery takes time, but it means that you have better mental and emotional tools with which to work. You never fully resolve problems, but you do find the mental muscle for how to deal with them, and once learned, you have them for the rest of your life. For me, learning deep breathing (belly breathing) meditations was the start; having a physical sensation to focus on during these anxious moments was a helpful, for physicality is concrete. From there I used journaling-there has been research that expressing worries or traumas in words can help resolve PTSD and chronic anxiety, whereas visualizing in pictures causes trauma to resurface. This journaling need not be in an official journal, but your anxious thoughts written out on loose leaf paper (and yes, handwriting is important). You can keep them or throw them away, and no one ever need read them if you do not want to. The point is to purge the thoughts from your head onto the paper, like drawing out an infection. From there, I found it helpful to explore mindfulness meditation. There are a lot of resources online for these things, and YouTube offers guided meditations. And, simplest of all, go for a walk and notice the world around you. Unplug, mute, walk away for an hour. We humans need more sunlight and fresh air.",Worrying about thoughts that make me feel worse and leade to know conclusiom,,general_qa 609,"Ill cut down to the chase;I am a male in his mid-30's, due to family I switched careers a year ago to be able to provide a decent life.Ive been driving for a year but we do tons of manual labor.I work the graveyard shift, 12-14 hours a day, 5 days a week with 1 day off( my day off rotates a day back every week.)I can't switch jobs at the moment especially at this stage of my life.We are barely scrapping by as it is, doing every thing we can to save for a house and pay off debt( Hospital bills due to kids). I used to be very friendly, outgoing, had lots of acquaintances. Now, I barely see my family. I am getting depressed, frustrated with our government, angrier every day. I want to work out, I want to read, and I want to educate myself.What can I do? I want to get in shape. Can I go run every night after work? or will cause damage to my knees? Should I do fasting? or it could cause issues at work since I do a lot of manual labor?","I suggest a regular meditation practice. Try to do it on a regular basis at the same times such as first thing when you wake up in the morning or before you go to bed. Try to do both in order to sandwich the day between sessions. For starters there are a lot of youtube videos on the subject, also a book 'The Mind Illuminated' is great for walking you through the process from beginner to experienced, a sub for it can be found here: r/TheMindIlluminated/. Don't forget your Stoicism as well. Finally, a disclosure. Life doesn't always go the way we want. No shit Sherlock, I know. But you're not alone in this. Epictetus was born a slave during the Roman Empire, was set free during his adulthood and later opened a school of philosophy which taught Stoicism. James Stockdale, a Vietnam vet, was caught while in action and held prisoner for 7 years. I mention them not to belittle your situation. They wouldn't have done that, either. Instead, they reminded themselves that it is better to stop wanting things that out of our control instead of suffering for them. If you have time, I would recommend you check out Daily Stoic for stuff like this.",I am falling into depression.,,general_qa